I (16 f) had a girls night at my house recently. I invited my whole friend group which all up was around 15 people. I had planned snacks, movies, dinner etc. I paid for the expenses and the cost turned out to be around $200. I was fine with it and knew I was going to have to pay some fee to have a good time with my friends.
I should also mention since the girls night was big and involved alot of people, my parents said I could host it however I wouldn’t have a birthday party later that year as they tend to struggle when accomodating people, feeling like they can’t let anything bad or anyone get hurt otherwise it’s their fault. I understand and honestly fair enough.
Anyways I had all of these things planned and fast forward to the night I had spent ages decorating, tidying, setting up and making everything look nice. Everyone showed up and at the start it was really fun. We played twister and talked about school and whatever. We eventually headed into the lounge room and started talking.
One of the girls in my group (let’s call her Marissa) has always had an issue with me. We have had arguments and disagreements before with me always ending up having to be the bigger person. One time she was talking shit about me behind my back and then when I confronted her she said that it wasn’t her fault and we just weren’t similar enough. I even ended up apologising for prying. To say the least we haven’t always been on good terms yet we finally were normal and I didn’t want to not invite her because ik that would cause a stir in the group.
We were all talking and she asks me which of my friends that are guys, don’t like her. I said I wasn’t comfortable saying that, that I thought she would go and contact them afterwards and also the wool group was there and no one needed to know nor did she have a reason. She kept begging me and calling me a gate keeping bitch so I reluctantly agreed to tell her privately in another room and if she promised to not go to them or anyone else afterwards.
She agreed and I told her. I instantly regretted my actions but said nothing as we both headed back to the lounge room. Without a second of hesitation she jumped on her phone and started texting someone.
I asked her if she was texting someone who I had told her and she said no.
I checked my phone a few minutes later and 2 of my guy friends had contacted me furious that I had said what I did. I apologised profusely because I know what I did was wrong. I then revived messages from other people in my class about what I had said (not people I had said to Marissa) and it sounded like she had completely exaggerated and twisted everything around. I was so upset. I went to go back to the lounge room and act like nothing had happened when I heard her talking shit about me. In my own home.
I stayed in my bedroom for most the night with a few girls staying with me unsure of what had happened.
School started two weeks later and Marisa was acting as if nothing had happened. I had tried to let the incident go over the break but when she started acting normal(except for giving me the cold shoulder) I was furious.
I contacted her that night demanding to know why she would break the promise she made to me and then proceed to talk about me. She left me on read so I kept sending her texts saying I wanted to work things out and if she was going to ignore me on text she couldn’t at school.
I showed up at school the next day to see her mom at the front office. I was concerned but tried not to think much of it. I was called to the deputy office later that day. The deputy told me that Marissa was saying I was harassing her and bullying her. Her evidence was screen shot of my texts that yes did involve swearing as I was angry but nothing violent. She showed them to her mum who apparently was asked by Marisa to take it up with the deputy .
I told the deputy my side of the story and luckily she believed me. Otherwise I would have been suspended or worse. I later found that those were her intentions.
This completely divided our group with majority of them siding with her as she told them I was bullying her but continently never showed them the messages. The news spread fast and now I have a bunch of people talking about me and rumours are spreading about what a horrible person I am. Sorry this was so long but AITA?

hello all,
i will give more context later in the post, but for people who don't want to read all of that mess: what do you do about a pwBPD trying to break up your relationships/friendships because you "don't pay attention enough to them anymore"? my partner already recognizes the abuse so there's not really a risk of me getting broken up with, but i'm worried about the pwBPD reaching out to our mutual friends. i'm mostly afraid that our mutual friends are going to think i'm trying to control the narrative or cover something up or anything weird like that? which is kind of ironic because it's what she's doing already, i just don't want to be forced to get on her level lol. at this point im so done with this pwBPD i don't care what they think of me, just would really like to keep my other friends.
i'm thinking about just asking my friends something like: "hey if this friend (pwBPD) messages you trying to talk badly about me or my partner, can you let me know so i can talk to her some more? it's something we're trying to handle privately between us 3 but unfortunately we found out she's already talking about us behind our backs to other people so we would really appreciate it if you ignored it for now if it comes up. i'm so sorry about any stress this might cause you, please let me know if you want to talk more about it" or something along those lines. i don't want to give them too much information or anything out of respect of everyone's time and privacy but i wonder if giving more details would help? is this a good start or would you guys recommend saying something else?
more details, you don't really have to read past this point but it helps for background information & gets into detail of the abusive behaviors:
it's just such a huge mess i just wish i never met this person. she's trying to get my partner kicked out of their housing situation already, and turning their other school friends against them to the point where my partner might have to move back in with their parents. she was originally introduced to me by my partner and they had been best friends for a really long while so they cry to my partner every day like "how can you be dating someone that hates your best friend", demanding my partner come home from doing stuff with me to 'help' her with the stupidest stuff like going to a routine doctor visit (??) or fixing her laptop, etc. and she will throw fits and say stuff like "friends sometimes just have to do things they don't want to help their friends or even just make them happy for a little while" when all this person does is scream at my partner at this point. and then when i try to talk to her too so she leaves my partner alone (we were never really too close to start with) she just brings up our relationship and says stupid things like "so how's *that* working out for you" or asking really weird invasive sexual questions? it's part of the reason i'm scared to talk about it with friends - i'm worried if they ask me for proof of what this person is doing i'll have to show them all the awkward texts of her being weirdly sexual and i don't want my friends thinking about what me and my partner do in private haha 😅 it's almost like she o*nly *spews sexual-related abuse over text and then keeps the rest in-person or over the phone so we don't have any proof against her that wouldn't be extremely awkward. it's really sickening to me how quickly she turned on us when she has been stable / on medication / in therapy for so long. i almost wonder if she was interested in one or both of us romantically/sexually or something and us deciding to date put her over the edge... she seems really fixated on me specifically despite never making any real effort to talk to me 🤷‍♂️ besides occasionally sending me tiktoks, but she sends them to me on the tiktok app... which she knows i have had uninstalled for almost a year now? really confusing and frustrating person, she will also try to bait people into talking to her through vague facebook statuses and typical passive aggressive stuff like that, but never outright ask anyone besides my partner (her 'best friend') to hang out with her because she thinks everyone else hates her 🙄 i didn't hate her at first, but now it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy for her
my partner originally tried to reassure me that she wouldn't do anything like this but she's clearly already started, so we're trying to figure out what to do and i figured it would be best to ask here. thank you guys (sorry for formatting / english too, and how this got a little rant-y)

I want to be hopeful and optimistic but the vast number of online disappointments make it difficult. Here are some things I don't want. Please don't contact me if you are not interested in reading the post. or do not want to talk long term and would be planning on ghosting me or disappearing within 1-2 days.
I am someone who is quite a sweet and effortful person. I would love an online connection with someone similar to me and have good, intellectual conversations and also share some laughter and affection. Affection can light us up and make us happy. (Even platonic connection is fine.) I like giving and receiving affection in the form of cute, little nicknames for each other, checking up on each other, asking about each other.
I hope my words sail to some worthwhile eyes on the winds of destiny.
I have grown wary of superficial connections, no effort replies and even abrupt ghosts.
I would like someone with whom I can exchange sweet words with. I am quite a romantic person and I was more so as earlier. A lot of responsibilities were thrust upon me with time, but I have rediscovered that side of myself. I would love to have a pretend romance with an online companion - where we pretend like we are long lost soul mates and trade fiery words of sweet passion for each other.
But, that is completely optional. I am fine with a wholesome, platonic connection as well.
If you've reached this far, it's because of some happy confluence of my words, the Reddit algorithm and fickle fortune.
Our meeting seemed to dangle so much on fate, it's only fair we pay our dues. Give it our best shot. Do justice to the matchmakers of heaven - The directors of this romance.
I'm on the quest for a sweet companion. Someone with a good heart. Kind and empathetic - Like my own. The good person at the end of the romcom when the attractive antagonists lose their allure.
I love bonding with someone through heart to heart conversation. Through exchanging genuine care and concern. Through passionate exchange of our interests and hobbies. Through clockwork logging of our daily lives. Through mindful curiosity in each other's interests. Through mutual preference for glitter over gold, depth over deception, charm over carelessness and symphonies over superficiality.
The conversation starts out with pleasantaries and outward introduction of our demographic information - the most rudimentary. The most formal. Gradually, the outer layers crack and a mild joke cuts across the mask and we're another layer deep. Common or different tastes in art are the usual social custom for making new acquaintances.
Soon, our conversation flows like a roaring river eliciting deep intellectual and emotional responses from both of us.
We're discussing prized memories and cherished fantasies of the future. Chalking out hypotheticals and admiring the other's world views. Pretty soon, we're suddenly bare and feeling a strong bond by virtue of what we've shared.
Small silences punctuated the conversation. These silences were not awkward. It was a comforting waterfall of connection. It was the silence that followed from both of us knowing and enjoying the bond created by our hearts.
I loved the feeling of ending a conversation with a stranger on the first day with the feeling you've known them for years. I harboured romantic beliefs that such a connection must be the byproduct of a relationship in a previous life !
Here are a few things about me -

• I love staying at home.
• I do not drink or smoke and don't like going to noisy pubs. Although there are times when friends or office parties are conducted there, it's something I just tolerate.
• I love reading. I am interested in programming, Mathematics, Chess, Science, Psychology, Geopolitics, Space, Literature (fantasy particularly or late but I like all kinds) and Self Help (Productivity and Positive Psychology) - and a lot more ! I'm generally intellectually curious and a lifelong learner.
• I love following updates on things I'm passionate about and sharing them regularly. I love following podcasts and blogs and videos on them and sharing and discussing them. I also love explaining a new thing I have learnt as it helps me understand it better.
• I tend to be positive and look at the brighter side of life usually. But I also like sharing the problems I am going through and like listening to your's.
• I love animals. I have a lot of pets. I am also quite close to my family and am surrounded by my loving pets (5 dogs and 4 cats). I recovered from dengue last month and they were always around me all the time. It felt very good.
• I love putting in effort into messages and writing effortful messages and generally use complete words and not much abbreviations. I love crafting a symphony of text.
• I am usually quite calm and supportive and remember things that are told to me in conversation. I like getting emotional and expressive and am soft hearted and sensitive. I am also quite mature and enjoy talking to similarly mature people.

Do not reach out to me if you're just bored, did not read the post, don't like anything about me or my profile or don't know what you want or don't want to invest in having a good connection or don't even have the intention for talking for a few weeks. I am already quite hurt at repeated ghosting so please do not even reach out to me if you intend to ghost by tomorrow or next week.
Here's what I would like from us

• Genuine interest, care and empathy for each other - Making each other a priority though we are strangers at first. That's part of the excitement in jumping head first into this ! That does not mean we do not respect each other's busy schedules or commitments. I'm looking for something really genuine.
• Regular effortful messages, and remembering things the other says
• I love sharing or explaining anything new I learn, whether it is a blog post, podcast, video, book or a general thought that came through my mind. It would be great if you love listening to good explanations and are interested in such things. I'd also love it if you too like sharing blogs or podcasts on topics that you are interested in but it's not necessary.
• I also love self improvement and sharing progress or motivation as we are doing things towards our goals and dreams.
• I love voice calls as I love the sound of voice. I would love it if you are someone who is excited at having regular voice calls (2-3 times a week) or at least exchanging voice messages at times !
• We don't need to have similar taste in art (music, TV shows, movies). I am open to learning about new kinds of interests and new subcultures !
• Openly sharing our thoughts on the bigger ideas and arcs of life and also venting about the smaller frustrations
• Being excited at receiving messages from the other person every time we light each other's phones up.
• [Optional] Some online romance where we sometimes say things to each other that make us blush like our first crush. A little romance to brighten each other up. Though this is completely optional. Sometimes sharing sweet, romantic messages with each other and maybe even doing this on voice calls too.

Also would be nice if we can just share photos so we can visualise what we look like as I like sharing photos when I go somewhere. I just like getting this out of the way. It doesn't matter to me what you look like, but I do like to know whom I'm talking to make us blush like our first crush. A little romance to brighten each other up. Though this is completely optional. Sometimes sharing sweet, romantic messages with each other and maybe even doing this on voice calls too.
Also would be nice if we can just share photos so we can visualise what we look like as I like sharing photos when I go somewhere. I just like getting this out of the way. It doesn't matter to me what you look like, but I do like to know whom I'm talking to.

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.
NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

• Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
• Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
• No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
• Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
• This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

• Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
• Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
• Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
• Crossposting anything from /stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

• If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
• No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
• If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

• Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
• If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

• Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
• Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
• Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

• This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
• Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
• Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

• We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
• Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
• Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
• Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

• We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

• Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
• Read it in full here.
• Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
• If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
• Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

• This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
• Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
• No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
• No advertising without prior mod approval.
• No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
• For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

• Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
• This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
• Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

• Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
• Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
• If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
• New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
• We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
• The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
• We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
• The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

• Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
• Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
• You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
• Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
• Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
• We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

​
​

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

• Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
• The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
• Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

• "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
• If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
• Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

• Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
• If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
• If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

• Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
• Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
• Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

• Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
• If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

• While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
• We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
• Examples that are not allowed:
  • "My SD is such a little bitch."
  • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
  • "My SS acts like a pussy."
  • "My SS is such a beta male."
  • "You are all fucking whores."
  • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
  • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
  • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
• Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
• Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
• As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

• We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
• We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

• Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

• When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
• If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

• No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

• Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

• No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
• Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
  • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
  • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
• Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
  • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
  • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

• We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

• Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

• Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
• Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
• Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
• Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
• We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

• If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

• Report it.

What if they are being really mean in comments?

• Report it.

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

• Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
• Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
• Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

• Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

• Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

• Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
• If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

• Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

• Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
• This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

• Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

• No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

• That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

• A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
  • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
  • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

• "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

• The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

• Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

• The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

​
​

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

• Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
• Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
• Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
  • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
  • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
  • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
  • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
  • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
  • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
  • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
  • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
  • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
  • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
  • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
  • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
  • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

• Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
• There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
  • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
  • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
  • Seeking resources for your partner
• There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
  • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
  • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
  • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
  • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
  • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
  • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
• Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /coparenting, /parenting, /parents, /blendedfamilies, and /singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

• At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

• Check out the Common Acronyms wiki page. We try to keep this updated as new terms are introduced to the sub.

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

• New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

• Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
• Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

• All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

• If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

• Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
• Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
• If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
• New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
• We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
• The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
• We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
• The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

• Due to an influx of harassment from users with specific user histories, we have employed a user history ban bot as described above. If you think this has affected you and wish to appeal, please message the mods.

Why was I banned without warning?

• There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

Hey guys,
So my partner and I have been working on a Pitch Deck for our feature length film and would like some feedback before we go into Photoshop and more-or-less finalize every slide. The design is very much a WIP but the content is basically all here (for example, you may notice red boxes around certain text snapshots, this is to track the words that'll end up being colored red in Photoshop). Since this film is based on actual historical events, the 1944 Hartford Circus Fire, we've dedicated the first 9-10 pages so they quickly summarize the history before delving into the story components. Fair warning, the images are pretty high in quality, so you may experience some delayed load-in times here and there. Especially if you're on your phone.
The purpose of this pitch deck is for if/when we pitch to execs, studios, other writers, etc. We also have a short film, a film treatment, a mood board and a script that will act as accompanying material.
Thanks and would appreciate any feedback whatsoever!!
Here's the logline: Based on true events, a young arsonist must piece together memories from his harrowing past as authorities unravel conflicting accounts of his involvement leading up to the 1944 Hartford Circus Fire
Here's the link to the pitch deck: https://drive.google.com/file/d/177ITWJMVvbw6fy8D2npUrKZFcOVV5Vyb/view?usp=sharing
And here's the first 30 pages if you're curious: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1dKc6WdTySVsBt_cOj0-mZyAft-jktFVL/view?usp=drivesdk

I (25M) matched with a girl (24F) on hinge. We were texting each other once every day or so for just over a week then organised to go on a date. The date went great - she did mention that she has accounting exams coming up soon with her job so she was going to be busy the next couple of months. But we both had a great time and I had no doubts we wanted to see eachother again after the date - she even gave me her umbrella to take home as it was raining and she got a taxi home.
We continued texting once a day - finding out more in common and I mentioned that I’m a fan of Mexican food and she said she is too and she said that could be our next date idea. She then asked when I was free and I booked a restaurant (2 weeks after the first date as she was busy due to a family wedding the weekend after the first date). She also mentioned that as it’s September now, it’s go time in terms of revision.
We met up at the restaurant and the date went fine, again no doubts and lots in common. She mentioned that due to a health condition she doesn’t like to drink alcohol when it’s super hot so she ordered a mocktail instead with her food.
We then went to a rooftop bar afterwards which I’d booked as the weather was really warm. When we got to the rooftop, the girl said it feels hotter up here than it does downstairs (which it did) and she asked me to push a button on my side of the table (I think she assumed it may have been connected to a fan). But when I pushed the button the outdoor heaters turned on which was quite embarrassing and the people in the bar started laughing. I laughed too but it did throw me off and make me feel awkward. The girl did apologise to me and them and was laughing too.
But we sat down and continued chatting - I felt the conversation wasn’t flowing as well due to the awkwardness but there were no awkward silences. I ordered a cocktail but the menu was a little limited for mocktails - I did ask her if she wanted to go somewhere else but she said don’t worry it’s ok. She ended up just having water.
Once i finished my drink, she said she’s going to head off so we walked to the train station together - we didn’t stay at the rooftop for very long. I was still feeling awkward as the last part of the date didn’t go how I’d hoped but I asked if she wanted to go out again and she said yeah definitely so I gave her a quick kiss and said bye.
I messaged her on instagram while I was on my way home and just gave her my phone number and said let me know when you’re home.
She texted me that evening and said ‘hey thanks for dinner tonight - honestly next time you have to let me get the bill! It was v good to see you again. Hope you got home okay x’.
I replied that Thursday evening and said ‘hey no worries it’s all good, but you’re organising the next one’. She then reacted to that message with a little heart on Saturday and said ‘how’s your Saturday been, sorry for the late reply been super busy my sister is visiting😂’ - she did mention that her sister was visiting before we went on the second date. I replied on the Sunday with general convo. She replied on the Monday as usual, being communicative, telling me about her weekend and all the things she did and also asking me more about what I was doing. She also said ‘so not a productive weekend in terms of revision😭’
I replied on the Tuesday, making general conversation again. I didn’t hear back from her on Wednesday, Thursday (which was when I started to get anxious) or Friday. I assumed she had a busy week with work and revision so I’d hear back Friday evening. I also noticed that at some point after the second date she changed one of her prompts on her hinge dating profile - a small change from ‘give me travel tips to Thailand’ to ‘give me travel tips to Miami’. She didn’t update any pictures or anything else and as we’d only been out twice I’m guessing this is normal? She also mentioned on the second date that she’d booked her Miami holiday.
I still didn’t hear back from her and then made a massive mistake Saturday morning and sent her another message which said ‘if you weren’t interested why not just say. You’re a bit of an arsehole to say you wanna go out again, pay and all that then just ignore me’. She responded an hour and a half later and said ‘I wasn’t trying to ignore you - I was genuinely busy this week. But you calling me an arsehole is so uncalled for and tbh I don’t want to see someone who’s going to call me names so I’d rather just call it a day’. I called to try and apologise but she didn’t pick up so I messaged ‘I get you’re busy with exams. Like I fully understand that but it takes 2 seconds to say hey I’m busy right now I’ll get back to you. Tbh it comes across like you’re not interested and a bit rude. So I’m sorry I called you an arsehole but I called you as I wanted to chat to you quickly’. She replied and said ‘sorry missed your call - I’m out. Yeah fairs I get that but the exams are my priority. I feel like I’ve said what I need to say and think it’s just best if we leave it here’. I messaged again trying to sort it out but she didn’t reply. I gave it three weeks and apologised more sincerely and she said it’s all good no hard feelings but she’s got a lot on right now so she doesn’t think it would be best to give it a second chance. I said if it’s the exams I don’t mind if you wanna speak again after they’re all done, but she didn’t reply to that message.
I reached out again after a couple months as I saw her on the same dating app and her profile was updated with new pictures and she said she just doesn’t see this going anywhere and good luck with everything - she then blocked me. I’m assuming she was finished with her exams by this point.
I fully understand that I was completely in the wrong with the way I reacted and I’ve learnt the lesson and won’t ever speak to anyone like that again - I regret it so much because I could see myself liking her and she honestly seemed like the most perfect girl, although we only went on 2 dates and spoke for a month. But do you think it was me calling her an arsehole that caused her to end it (completely valid if so) or if she just wasn’t feeling it before this and I gave her an easy way out?

First time posting. Looking for advice and opinions regarding phone monitoring and trust in a relationship after it's been broken. I'm not interested in any advice on wether or not I should end the relationship. TL:DR at the bottom.
I met my boyfriend at work. (I know, dating coworkers isn’t a great idea, but here we are). I developed a crush on him, and after several months I eventually asked him if he’d be interested in going out/hooking up He hadn’t been in a relationship in over 10 years, and was a bit of a loner. His previous girlfriend was his first. They were together 7 years. She constantly cheated on him and left him, before they finally split for good. My boyfriend still suffers some PTSD from it, and has developed a bit of an avoidant attachment style.
We began seeing each other early last year and became intimate quickly. I felt myself falling for him rapidly, but one thing that began to bother me after several months of seeing each other is that he didn’t seem to be very interested in making our relationship official. I had asked him several times if we could be exclusive/boyfriend and girlfriend, but he always seemed to dodge the question.
A few times during my visits to his apartment, he had let slip that he’s still talking to his ex, and he still has feelings for her. This made me worried. I asked him many times to clarify where I stand with him, but he was never able to answer. During one of my visits, he told me that his ex had sent him nudes. I asked if he had sent any back. He said he didn’t. I asked him if we’ve been exclusive since we started seeing each other. He said we had been, and we agreed to continue being exclusive, even if we weren’t official yet.
After about 5 months of seeing each other, he still would not commit to me. I felt like he was hiding something about his ex. While he was at my place sleeping one night, I decided to go through his phone. I discovered that he had been sexting and flirting with his ex the entire time I had been dating him, and she had no idea he was also seeing me. I found messages saying how much he still loved her. It crushed me.
I sent his ex a message on Facebook to ask if he had told her that he has been seeing me. She said he mentioned me once, but she didn’t know we were still dating. She said she made it clear to him that she doesn’t want a relationship with him, but entertained his advances out of loneliness. I confronted him about this, and asked if they had hooked up since I had started seeing him. He said no. I later found out that was a lie. They had hooked up several times when he was supposedly at his parent's house. He got upset with me for invading his privacy, and we didn’t talk for a few days.
After a few days, we worked things out. I decided that he didn’t technically cheat on me since we weren’t officially a couple yet, but he did lie to me about his ex and about us being exclusive. After his ex made it clear to him again that she isn’t interested in dating him, he finally decided to make me his girlfriend. I was happy that we were finally an official couple, but still heartbroken over how we got there.
My trust in him was broken at this point. He lied about his ex to me several times before I discovered his big secret. Even when I had the evidence in my hand that he had been lying, he minimized it, and only gave me trickle truths to the things I could directly prove. So, in order to rebuild trust, I asked him to give me his Facebook password, so I could make sure his conversations with his ex remain Platonic. At first, he declined, but after about a week he finally gave it to me. At the same time, however, he changed the lock code on his phone.
He stopped seeing/flirting with his ex, but the fact that he changed the passcode to his phone made me feel like he was still hiding something. He insisted that he wasn’t hiding anything. He said that he felt it was needed after I went through his phone without permission, because he uses his phone to access his bank online sometimes, and is worried that I would try to steal from him. (I’ve never asked him for money, I make the same amount of money he does, I’m completely financially independent, and I pay for most of the meals when we order food). I told him I understand his concern, but his banking account/apps should already be password protected, so there wouldn’t be anything to worry about. This went on for several months until I was finally able to convince him to change his passcode back in order for me to trust him again.
A few weeks after he gave me access to his phone again, I decided to check it. He goes out of his way to cover his digital footprint. He has a habit of deleting emails, messages, and call logs as soon as they’re no longer needed. He also exclusively uses an incognito private browser. This is all fine, but it’s an important detail. While checking his phone, I decided to also check cached website data in his browser. I found cached data for a hookup website. I made a burner account on the website and found his profile. I was able to log into his account, since he used the same password for Facebook. I discovered that he signed up for the website using an email address that I had never seen him use before. I found several messages he exchanged with other people on the site asking them to meetup.
I confronted him about my findings, and he dismissed my concerns, telling me that he never actually intended to meet with anyone, he just likes to chat as an alternative to porn (I don’t mind porn.) I didn’t believe him, though. He quickly deleted his profile. Shortly after confronting him, I decided to try accessing the secret email account he used to check if he had anything else he was hiding. Unfortunately, he had already scrubbed the emails and deleted his account.
After a few days of arguing, we eventually reconciled. I told him that I can’t trust him anymore unless he allows me to install monitoring software on his phone/computer. He said no. This didn’t sit right with me. He kept insisting that what he did wasn’t a big deal, that he loved me, and that he wasn’t hiding anything else. I had my doubts. So, without his knowledge, I decided to install hidden tracking software on his phone and computer. I kept an eye on him for about 3 weeks. However, while I was checking the logs, I became increasingly disturbed by the porn he was choosing to view. This wasn’t anything illegal, but it was definitely not normal and a bit disturbing. I finally broke and admitted to him that I had bugged his devices. He flew off the handle and broke up with me because I betrayed him, and he couldn’t trust me anymore.
We eventually reconciled again after ~a week. I felt very hurt by the betrayal, but decided that I wanted to try to work things out. However, we couldn’t agree on what level of access to his devices/accounts is appropriate. He told me that monitoring his devices was never okay in any situation, no matter what he has done, and that my actions were creepy and cyberstalking. I told him I’m sorry for going behind his back, I felt like I needed to know the truth. (During my time monitoring him, I didn’t find any evidence of him cheating, but I will also note that I was not able to monitor everything he did, so he still could have cheated without me knowing.)
I told him that I would like for him to give me his blessing to monitor his devices so that we can rebuild the trust he broke. He refused, so I broke up with him again, but we ended up getting back together a few days later.
*Side note: I moved to this town a few years ago from out of state, I don’t have any friends or family out here, and don’t really have any friends in general.
I still had access to his Facebook account, and still checked it every few days. I found some messages to an attractive female friend of his where he had gone to her house the day after we broke up. The wording of his messages implied that something sexual may have happened when he was there. I asked him if anything sexual happened when he visited his friend. I told him that since we were broken up during this time, I wouldn’t hold it against him if they slept together, but for the sake of rebuilding trust, I felt like it was important that he at least be honest with me about it. He said nothing sexual happened.
A few days later I was reading the messages again and noticed that some of them were deleted. I asked him again, and he admitted that they made out a little bit, but nothing sexual happened. I still felt like he was holding back more detail, and kept pressing the issue, but he insisted that nothing more happened. (I found out a month later that he did in fact sleep with her.)
About a month later, I was doing my usual check of his accounts that I had access to. I found an email exchange he had been having for a couple of days with someone he found on a Craigslist type site. He had posted on the website soliciting hookups. In his email, he talked to this other person and made plans to meet up. There was no date set in stone, but they agreed he would go over to the other person’s house.
I confronted him about this. Asked him several times if he has anything he’s hiding from me. He insisted he wasn’t hiding anything. I told him I found his post/email chain. He got upset and said I shouldn’t have been snooping. Shortly afterward, he changed his passwords to all of his accounts that I had access to, and enabled 2FA. I broke up with him after that, and told him that I would only consider reconciliation if he agreed to let me install monitoring software on his devices. He is very careful to delete his history and cookies, never saves passwords, only logs into websites with incognito mode. He’s used secret email accounts in the past, which is why I believe that simple access to his devices and accounts isn’t enough to earn my trust back.
He refused my conditions for reconciliation, but insists he still wants to be together. We got back together after I broke down and walked back on my requirement.
TL:DR - My boyfriend has cheated, lied, and broken my trust several times. He and I both want to remain together and work things out. The only way I feel I would be able to trust him is if he allowed me to install tracking software on his phone since he keeps everything deleted. He refuses. What should I do?

Men usually have to deal with other guys hitting on their girlfriends/wives and if they’re insecure about it they’re told to suck it up get over it because she chose you over them which most of the time is useless and not helpful. It is even expected as a man to deal with such men on almost a daily basis so we learn to deal with it and get over it. This advice mostly comes from women and sometimes guys themselves. But I can guarantee you that if the roles were reversed women would be just as insecure and jealous as men or even more.
Most guys don’t have random women hitting on them or following them on Instagram, texting them on WhatsApp or even talking to them so it’s a foreign concept to most women since they don’t have to deal with female orbiters and can’t relate to it. And there’s an easy way to prove it, women on Reddit and in real life get angry when their boyfriends just follow attractive women on Instagram, guys aren’t even talking to them just looking and that is enough to make women insecure. Now imagine if those women who he’s following initiated a conversation with him and started complimenting him, liking his pictures, and even sending him her number, or they are hitting on him right in front of you. Women would go crazy with insecurity and jealousy.
Just as an experiment, put your phones together on a table and look at WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook or even Tinder, open the messages and compare who’s getting more attention and conversations from the opposite gender, who’s liking who’s pictures more. You’ll notice that women’s social media is more busier than men’s. Now I ask you ladies, how would you feel if your boyfriend/husband was getting all that attention from other women?

Hi, I posting here as I don’t know where else to post and who to ask for advice.
Briefly, I met a guy last year on a dating app, we had a couple of dates and nothing happened at all. After a few weeks, I kinda lost interest due to my personal life and circumstances and I told him and ask him if he would accept to be my friend. He got a bit mad and said that for him we had a mental relationship even though we met every now and then and nothing had happened and conversation were not sexualized at all nor was there any seduction or I would have put a stop to it… He stopped talking for a few weeks and then came back by himself saying he accepted but that he was not that close to friends and that we were going to talk occasionally which I agree with. Months passed and we kept talking by messages and on the phone and he started being or trying to be ambiguous so I had to restate that we were friends as we had agreed on. But at that moment he said that he wanted more and that if I didn’t want then we would be friends and not talk that much. I agreed with it since I never initiate contact almost and he is the one calling etc. He tried to put some dilemma on me like if you expect me to talk this much (we have a call once every few weeks and messages probably once every other day) otherwise I won’t do it etc. I told him his definition and modalities of what a friendship was fine to me and that we could follow his rule. Here is when he started saying that he didn’t need any more friend and that this wasn’t a friendship. I told him that I didn’t understand as talking to someone casually the way we do is very much of a friendship to me, how else could we call it ? Especially after having defined and agreed on it a few months back. I felt bad of having responded to his texts and calls as I do for other friends as I have the impression it mislead him even though I am particularly careful with my words and actions so as never to be ambiguous (I even mentioned many times our friendship etc). Although, I am by nature a friendly and caring person with my friends I don’t believe I could have given him wrong signals. Or is it already too much to talk and be nice to someone ? But isn’t it what friends do ? Also I am not dating right now but the day I will I usually have no problem talking about that with friends, how will he react ?
Something else that makes me question his personality is that he said that what we were doing was not being friends. I am surprised to say the least as I have the chance of having friends and this is usually what happens with them, I mean we talk and call and see each other just to enjoy time together. He asked me what these friendship bring to me and I said joy and happiness. And he said that he is busy and only has friends that bring him something and help him through his life goals. I said I respected his concept of friendship but I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t a bit particular way of thinking… Also I asked him if for him there was no value in time shared with loved ones just for the sake of it even with family, and he said no and that he would only for example spend time with his mom to pay her back for what she did for him. I was astonished but I didn’t comment further.
Am I wrong ? Did I misbehave ? What is happening ? Is it me or this is a strange way from him to try to “force” something with me ? How could he still want something with someone who told you “no” so many times ? Should I put some more space between us ?
Edit: for clarity, he ended up accepting to be friends but I am wondering if this could be healthy… I am a bit taken aback by this way of reacting and the concept of friendship he has especially considering he is in his 30s already. I don’t want to sound picky but I care about my friends and I am careful who I let into my life so I don’t know what to think.

Salam everyone,
I 25f was married (technically still am as it's my Iddah) to my husband 28f. We met off of Muzz, and he asked for my hand within a few weeks. We ended up married after a month or so.
Things went downhill drastically. I have mentioned elsewhere on Reddit that, he wouldn't want to hug me, he wouldn't want to sit with me. I had to "quickly" kiss him. He wouldn't provide for me usually, I was a uni student, and my mum would help me out, and I would tutor. He didn't look after me when I was sick with the chickenpox or when I partially tore my muscle. If I chew gum for longer than a few minutes he doesn't like it because my breath smells, I can't walk normally apparently, I am too loud, etc.
His family would be mean. They'd laugh at my suggestions of baby names, tell me I'm not their blood, that I'm psychotic and jealous because my family don't sit with me, or jealous because I can't have a baby (don't think that's true...I think I can).
I have tried hard believe me. I tried to soothe him when he wanted to divorce me over another woman. I tried to be patient when his family were being awful. I tried to be patient when he didn't want me. I tried to be patient when I moved to my mum's after uni for a job and he didn't come to visit me because he doesn't want to or he's tired.
Except..in the marriage he would threaten to divorce me. Every few months. First over another woman, then, because he is overwhelmed, and now...he has actually divorced me on paper because apparently my personality is different to his. I am bubbly and outgoing and he wants to be left alone. He says our marriage is causing fitnah for everyone else and he can't cope.
I tried reconciling, I even have paid for him in the past, got him gifts, you name it. He said, he's not interested. And he can't balance me and his family. He's sorry. He blocked me off everything too, except text.
Recently...he's unblocked me. He hasn't messaged me.
The thing is I know I should move on, but here's where it gets more complex. My father SA'd me and was emotionally and physically abusive, so I no longer have contact with him, I have been raped. And I don't really have a wali except for my paternal cousins who can be toxic.
I have 19ish days left of my Iddah, but I am struggling. I feel like I am turning towards sin. I am struggling immensely, crying, doing haram.
I have previously also sinned. The abuse started when I was 5 and then became sexual at 15ish onwards till I was 20ish. I know it's no excuse, but I am diagnosed with BPD, I struggle immensely.
I want to find someone else. I'm worried of the judgement and worried that the wali thing may put them off. I don't know how to approach people, my mum has a very small circle. I feel so let down. I thought my husband would be my final stop after all this abuse...
The divorce happened over the phone and was formalized in writing. He hasn't come to see me since Jan.
When I tell people my divorce is due to my personality, they think I'm joking, until some of them see the texts.
I feel terrible. It's not getting easier. Idk what to do.
Posting here too as from an Islamic point of view people may understand more.
Jzk! Any advice would be appreciated.

I want to be hopeful and optimistic but the vast number of online disappointments make it difficult. Here are some things I don't want. Please don't contact me if you are not interested in reading the post. or do not want to talk long term and would be planning on ghosting me or disappearing within 1-2 days.
I am someone who is quite a sweet and effortful person. I would love an online connection with someone similar to me and have good, intellectual conversations and also share some laughter and affection. Affection can light us up and make us happy. (Even platonic connection is fine.) I like giving and receiving affection in the form of cute, little nicknames for each other, checking up on each other, asking about each other.
Of late, I have been watching a lot of couple pranks on YouTube. They teach me a lot about couple dynamics (what kind of dynamics are healthy and what are toxic). It would be nice to have someone to discuss these kinds of dynamics with. Sometimes I like those pranks where one pretends to be angry and the other kind of comforts them. It would be nice if we could enact that sometime.
I hope my words sail to some worthwhile eyes on the winds of destiny.
I have grown wary of superficial connections, no effort replies and even abrupt ghosts.
I would like someone with whom I can exchange sweet words with. I am quite a romantic person and I was more so as earlier. A lot of responsibilities were thrust upon me with time, but I have rediscovered that side of myself. I would love to have a pretend romance with an online companion - where we pretend like we are long lost soul mates and trade fiery words of sweet passion for each other.
But, that is completely optional. I am fine with a wholesome, platonic connection as well.
If you've reached this far, it's because of some happy confluence of my words, the Reddit algorithm and fickle fortune.
Our meeting seemed to dangle so much on fate, it's only fair we pay our dues. Give it our best shot. Do justice to the matchmakers of heaven - The directors of this romance.
I'm on the quest for a sweet companion. Someone with a good heart. Kind and empathetic - Like my own. The good person at the end of the romcom when the attractive antagonists lose their allure.
I love bonding with someone through heart to heart conversation. Through exchanging genuine care and concern. Through passionate exchange of our interests and hobbies. Through clockwork logging of our daily lives. Through mindful curiosity in each other's interests. Through mutual preference for glitter over gold, depth over deception, charm over carelessness and symphonies over superficiality.
The conversation starts out with pleasantaries and outward introduction of our demographic information - the most rudimentary. The most formal. Gradually, the outer layers crack and a mild joke cuts across the mask and we're another layer deep. Common or different tastes in art are the usual social custom for making new acquaintances.
Soon, our conversation flows like a roaring river eliciting deep intellectual and emotional responses from both of us.
We're discussing prized memories and cherished fantasies of the future. Chalking out hypotheticals and admiring the other's world views. Pretty soon, we're suddenly bare and feeling a strong bond by virtue of what we've shared.
Small silences punctuated the conversation. These silences were not awkward. It was a comforting waterfall of connection. It was the silence that followed from both of us knowing and enjoying the bond created by our hearts.
I loved the feeling of ending a conversation with a stranger on the first day with the feeling you've known them for years. I harboured romantic beliefs that such a connection must be the byproduct of a relationship in a previous life !
Here are a few things about me -

• I love staying at home.
• I do not drink or smoke and don't like going to noisy pubs. Although there are times when friends or office parties are conducted there, it's something I just tolerate.
• I love reading. I am interested in programming, Mathematics, Chess, Science, Psychology, Geopolitics, Space, Literature (fantasy particularly or late but I like all kinds) and Self Help (Productivity and Positive Psychology) - and a lot more ! I'm generally intellectually curious and a lifelong learner.
• I love following updates on things I'm passionate about and sharing them regularly. I love following podcasts and blogs and videos on them and sharing and discussing them. I also love explaining a new thing I have learnt as it helps me understand it better.
• I tend to be positive and look at the brighter side of life usually. But I also like sharing the problems I am going through and like listening to your's.
• I love animals. I have a lot of pets. I am also quite close to my family and am surrounded by my loving pets (5 dogs and 4 cats). I recovered from dengue last month and they were always around me all the time. It felt very good.
• I love putting in effort into messages and writing effortful messages and generally use complete words and not much abbreviations. I love crafting a symphony of text.
• I am usually quite calm and supportive and remember things that are told to me in conversation. I like getting emotional and expressive and am soft hearted and sensitive. I am also quite mature and enjoy talking to similarly mature people.

Do not reach out to me if you're just bored, did not read the post, don't like anything about me or my profile or don't know what you want or don't want to invest in having a good connection or don't even have the intention for talking for a few weeks. I am already quite hurt at repeated ghosting so please do not even reach out to me if you intend to ghost by tomorrow or next week.
Here's what I would like from us

• Genuine interest, care and empathy for each other - Making each other a priority though we are strangers at first. That's part of the excitement in jumping head first into this ! That does not mean we do not respect each other's busy schedules or commitments. I'm looking for something really genuine.
• Regular effortful messages, and remembering things the other says
• I love sharing or explaining anything new I learn, whether it is a blog post, podcast, video, book or a general thought that came through my mind. It would be great if you love listening to good explanations and are interested in such things. I'd also love it if you too like sharing blogs or podcasts on topics that you are interested in but it's not necessary.
• I also love self improvement and sharing progress or motivation as we are doing things towards our goals and dreams.
• I love voice calls as I love the sound of voice. I would love it if you are someone who is excited at having regular voice calls (2-3 times a week) or at least exchanging voice messages at times !
• We don't need to have similar taste in art (music, TV shows, movies). I am open to learning about new kinds of interests and new subcultures !
• Openly sharing our thoughts on the bigger ideas and arcs of life and also venting about the smaller frustrations
• Being excited at receiving messages from the other person every time we light each other's phones up.
• [Optional] Some online romance where we sometimes say things to each other that make us blush like our first crush. A little romance to brighten each other up. Though this is completely optional. Sometimes sharing sweet, romantic messages with each other and maybe even doing this on voice calls too.

Also would be nice if we can just share photos so we can visualise what we look like as I like sharing photos when I go somewhere. I just like getting this out of the way. It doesn't matter to me what you look like, but I do like to know whom I'm talking to make us blush like our first crush. A little romance to brighten each other up. Though this is completely optional. Sometimes sharing sweet, romantic messages with each other and maybe even doing this on voice calls too.
Also would be nice if we can just share photos so we can visualise what we look like as I like sharing photos when I go somewhere. I just like getting this out of the way. It doesn't matter to me what you look like, but I do like to know whom I'm talking to.

I am a 20-year-old guy. I was in a long-distance relationship that got very toxic, and we broke up in April. My girlfriend (19) was preparing for her exams, and I was also looking for jobs. I got a good internship at a good company, but she was still struggling with her preparation. I always helped her with her math. We were having so many fights; she always brought up breaking up and blamed me for everything in our relationship.
Just as I was about to start my new internship and move to a new city, we got into another fight because I wanted to talk to her, but she didn't and just went to sleep, ignoring me. After that fight, I tried to fix things, but she kept saying we couldn't stay together and that we were not compatible. Similar things had happened in the past, where we had a break just before I started my previous internship, and I cried for 10 days straight, telling her I was sorry. In the end, she said, "I love you, let's give us another chance." Due to that experience, I didn't want to repeat the same for this opportunity too. I said, "Fine, let's break up," because I was so devastated and had tried everything to fix our relationship. At that moment, I felt like I couldn't do anything alone. She was also worried about her exams, and I didn't want her preparation to be affected by me, so I said let's take a break.
As days passed, I avoided contacting her. Then a situation arose on my end: my university was having problems with me switching my internship, and they said they were going to detain me for the semester. It got very serious, so I had to work from home and travel quickly to my university. I told her about this, but she was very cold and showed no reaction. I thought she would say something different, but she didn't. I booked a flight immediately and traveled that night. On my way after the flight, my phone got stolen in the metro. At my university, the situation was also not good. Despite all this, I thought she would call me and speak with me, but she didn't. I didn't want to disturb her because her exam was in two days. I waited, thinking I would talk to her after her exam.
My university was pressuring me so much that I couldn't do my work. I didn't have a phone, and my university was not listening to me. There was no solution at that time, and I was feeling very down. The day of her exam came, and I texted her to ask how it went. She said, "Not so good." I told her it was okay and not to worry, that she tried her best, and I motivated her. She thanked me, and then I asked if we could talk. She said no because she wasn't in a good mood, and I wasn't either. I insisted that we should talk to avoid things getting worse between us, but she refused. We had a call where she wasn't paying attention to me. When I told her I wasn't fine and needed to talk, she said nothing. My phone's battery drained very fast, so I texted her how much I wanted to talk to her and how much I needed her, but she didn't reciprocate.
I eventually gave up and texted her some harsh things to get a reaction out of her, and she finally started replying, which was kind of funny. I apologized immediately and continued to apologize the next day and the day after that. I suggested taking a break and then getting back together, but she said no to every possibility. I concluded that it was over.
I felt like, what's the point of this relationship if she can't help me in such a situation? I was there for her, but she was not there for me.
I waited a week, hoping she would message me, but she didn't. Then I thought I should visit her next month after getting my salary. I was very anxious at that time. I tried to speak to her, but she again said no. After that, I was very confused. A friend of mine told me, "Bro, do whatever gives you peace." At that moment, I realized that even if I visited her, things wouldn't change because I was ready, but she was not. I realized I had been dumped, and I had anxiety attacks and other issues. I also had to perform at my job, and everything was very messy. She blocked me during all this time.
After two weeks, I realized I should move on. I started talking to a girl I met on a dating app. We had night-long calls, and she seemed cool. She was into art, and I felt like I wanted to learn art to express myself. I thought of dating her to see where things would go. For our first date, she invited me to her place, which was weird, but I didn't think much of it because if something bad happened to me, I would be fine with that (I was suicidal). We watched a movie, and before I left, she moved close to me, and we kissed. After that, I asked more about her past relationships, which were not that great.
I suddenly realized what a mistake I made because I knew I wasn't going to stay with her long. On our second date, I conveyed this to her, and she said it was fine. She also didn't want any attachments and just wanted to go with the flow. We made out again (no intercourse). After the second date, my guilt got to me, and I told her I couldn't be physical with her if we weren't going to be together because I didn't want that. She said, "Chill, it's okay, we're both having fun," but I stopped talking to her. However, the guilt of moving on too quickly and the realization that I wasn't going to be with my ex ever hit me hard.
I felt like I had lost all my chances. My ex was the love of my life, and now I realize she just needed time to work on herself. If I had been patient, everything might have been fine. After a few days, I had a call with my ex, breaking the no-contact rule, and it turned into an argument. The next day, she called me, apologizing for her mistakes. After that call, I started having feelings for her again. I got desperate and forgot all the bad things that had happened in the past. But I didn't have the courage to tell her what I had done in the meantime. I told her I was very confused and wanted her back, even though I hated her a few days ago.
I was getting very messy. She told me we couldn't be together, that she didn't want to give me hope, and that we should work on ourselves and see what happens. I agreed. We both had an unspoken plan to meet after 3-4 months once she got into college. But the guilt of making out with another girl got to me, along with the hope of getting back with my ex and the thought that she might not change.
I wanted to kill that hope. At first, I thought I would confess to her when we met, but I didn't want to be stuck on that thought for months. One day, she messaged me, and I told her everything. She hung up the call and blocked me. The next day, I called her from my friend's phone and apologized. I said I was very confused about what I wanted and that I didn't know what I was doing. I asked her not to think of me as a bad person and to forgive me. She said I should have waited and that I am the kind of person who moves on easily. She hung up the call again. And here I am.
TLDR: Am I the asshole for moving on from my girlfriend who wanted me to move on from her? She said lots of heartbreaking things to me at the end, and I gave up and moved on too quickly, which I regret now.

A bit of info before I start, I am F(28) and my partner is M(39), we aren’t the same nationality and come from two different countries in Europe. We’ve been together for well over 4 years, are planning to get married and have kids. For the past year my partner has been incredibly ill which prevented him from working (he had a very well paying job), it has been very difficult for both of us. My moms side of the family never truly got to know my partner well as they do not speak English. Sorry for this being a long post, I’m not great at storytelling.
About a week ago, I’m visiting my grandparents along with my mother. Me and my mom are planning a trip to another country which we are very excited about so obviously the conversation starts there. My mom goes off about how great it’s going to be, what we’re going to do there and so on, when my grandma suddenly interrupts to say to me “oh and maybe you can meet a nice man when you’re there there.”
Me being obviously shocked by the comment as I already have a nice man, I say “I don’t need to find a nice man there, I already have a nice man.”
This is when she starts this big speech about everything that she believes to be wrong with my partner. Her main points were to say that he is ugly, sick and old. Me not knowing how to react I asked her if she’s serious - she was. She basically said that us not being married and not having kids made our relationship a failure. That because of my partners illness I “never leave the house” - which is not true. That I need to find myself someone better, who is not sick, because he is just bad.
At one point during her speech I decided that I am leaving, I could not take the belittling of my partner much longer, the only thing o said back to her is that I hope that if she is ever sick, people will stick around and not leave her because she’s a burden.
As soon as I walk out, my mom follows me trying to convince me to come back inside and we can all talk. At that point I’m in tears, trying to get an Uber back home. At one point my grandmother approached me, I honestly thought she’s came to apologize - nope! She tells me to stop it and get over it.
Since then I have been completely ignoring her. She sent a text message apologizing but I ignored it. In the text she said that she’s sorry but she just wants the best for me - to me that means that she still stands by what she said. She has made a few attempts to talk to me on the phone but each time I’ve ignored her.
My family believes I should accept that she’s “an older lady” and doesn’t know better so to let it go. I on the other hand have no clue what to do. I feel that even if I do forgive I cannot forget and it would be so Wierd to bring my partner around her at any family events. I told him the whole story and he also doesn’t really want to be around her any time soon and I can’t blame him. From what I have heard from my mother, my grandmother is now complaining that I’m not giving in and that I am making a big deal out of nothing.
So AITAH? What should I do?

I’ve made posts on here before about how unstable AP is. They have constantly caused issues and have tried reaching out anytime they get the chance even when blocked. They will create fake numbers and social media accounts to stalk us and get their friends to do so. They originally messaged me claiming they had “no idea my WP was with someone else”, only to find out that was a lie and they essentially have begun stalking me now too.
My WP claimed AP SA’d them later on. When AP reached out to me and wanted to meet up to show me “proof” of my WP cheating, they touched me inappropriately multiple times despite me asking over and over for them to stop and even then tried to full on have sex with me. This resulted in me getting out of there as soon as I could, which was extremely hard to do with how they were behaving.
My WP knows this and they also know I have a lot of trauma from being SA’d in the past, so this really hit home for me and my mental health hasn’t been very well over it. Instead of being supportive, they have actually just continued to accuse me over and over of “probably lying about it because I most likely slept with AP and am hiding the truth”. They constantly tell me they have “no reason to believe me” and that “maybe I shouldn’t have gone to AP’s house in the first place”.
This hurts on such a deep level I can’t even describe it to you. I have not been sure if I’ve wanted to re-enter into R with my WP for awhile now. They keep insisting on trying for R, but there’s just been so much damage. The reason I’m writing this post though, is because I found out tonight they unblocked AP again and have been talking to them. This started last Sunday when they told me that “AP tried calling them, but they didn’t answer and AP is blocked anyway, but their phone lets them see when blocked numbers call them”.
This didn’t make any sense to me, because while I know their phone does in fact show in the call log if a blocked number has tried to call, it wouldn’t ring/go through, and they gave away that the phone did ring by saying they “didn’t answer it”. So obviously AP was not blocked, but I knew prying wasn’t going to make them be honest with me about it. I tried move on from this best I could, until a few days ago they decided to tell me what actually happened. They told me they never blocked AP because they “forgot”, and that AP actually texted them and they had a full blown conversation, but that they told AP they didn’t want them in their life whatsoever.
They told me AP then tried to call, but WP didn’t answer and blocked them. As if that wasn’t enough, tonight I find out that they unblocked AP and talked to them again. When I asked why they unblocked them at all, they said “to see if AP would listen”. So I asked what they said to them since it sounds like they messaged AP first. They swore up and down AP messaged first, which makes no sense because then why would you unblock them to “see if they would listen”? Listen to what? They claimed they wanted to “see if AP would listen and not message them, since my WP told them to not reach out again the last time they spoke to AP”.
I tried asking more details, to which none of the answers made any sense and they were half-assed. They told me it sounds like AP is “keeping tabs on them which was unsettling”, but they didn’t further elaborate and honestly that adds up because AP has stalked both of us for close to a year. They said they blocked AP again. I lost it. I told them they obviously unblocked them because they want this person around, want to talk to them or at the very least enjoy the attention they’re getting from them.
WP got mad and said that wasn’t the case, but I told them there’s no other reasoning for them to unblock them. If they genuinely didn’t want AP around and were as unsettled by AP’s actions as they’ve claimed to be, they wouldn’t be unblocking them just to “see if they would listen and not reach out like they said they would”. Why would you even want to know if this person reached out at all? This makes zero sense and nobody who genuinely didn’t want to speak to someone would do this.
What hurts me the most though, is they are actively keeping a person around who they know tried to SA me. They know this person makes me feel uncomfortable and severely stressed out. They know this person has posed a physical danger to me and apparently SA’d them too, so why are they keeping them around? Why do they want to be engaging with someone like that?
I told them I don’t want them in my life anymore. I told them to do whatever they want, but to keep me out of it and to not contact me again. I told them if I ever am contacted again by AP or their friends or if I see them around here, I will be calling police. They haven’t responded and to be honest, I’m just a mess. I was debating R and now I don’t think that’s an option whatsoever anymore. How could anyone do this to someone they claim to love?

TLDR: MY daughters dad showed up 2 years ago and has been inconsistent at best in these two years. AITA for wanting to block him and proceed as if he never contacted us?
AITA
This is gonna be probably pretty long and all over the place but I'll try and keep it straight and to the point.
So I have a daughter. She is 11 almost 12. For the first 9+ years of her life her dad had not been involved. ( She was a fortune product of a one night stand) When he showed up almost two years ago it was with some fabricated story that a child support case worker alienated him and threatened him with harassment if he pursued a relationship with his daughter. I did try to reach out a couple times when she was younger trying to encourage a relationship between them and all attempts went ignored. He says this is because he was afraid I was setting him up. Well up until this past December I took him at his word. He was semi involved until that point. In December he met a woman and all contact stopped minus a few check ins and multiple inappropriate messages to me considering he was in a relationship. Each time this happened I would lay a boundary. During one of these contacts he promised he'd send his child support and $100 for Christmas/Birthday gift for her. That did not happen. He instead sent me a dirty video saying he "hoped that made up for it" 🤮🤮🤮 at this point I lost my iiisssshhhhh on him and told him essentially he was in a relationship and needed to knock it off. I didn't want to see that and it was disrespectful to me and his partner.
He moved in with this partner within a month of meeting her. Red flag right?
Before he met her I was trying to help him find an apartment locally as he lives 200 miles away. I absolutely advocated for him to have a relationship with his daughter from the second he showed up because I've never been the type to keep my children from their father unless it was for good reason. He was supposed to get her a phone and pay for it so they could maintain contact. Never happened. I supplied the phone and the service and it was silent.
After he had sent me that video I had put him on restricted on FB so I didn't get any messages from him. I finally get a call from him on Valentine's day apologizing for his behavior and letting me know he was sending some child support that day.
Then at some point in March he reaches out again saying he was no longer with this girl and he was sorry for his absence and he'd do better. The following week our daughter's phone caught fire and I let him know (not that he was contacting her anyways). The next day he said his cousin had gifted him a phone and he wanted to send it to our daughter. Cool. Let's do it. Then he texts a few days later saying he would be in a town 45 miles south of me and could I meet him and said girlfriend to receive the phone and bring our daughter so he could see her. (At this point the last I knew him and chick had broken up). I said no thanks you can drop it in the mail and I would not be bringing our daughter to meet him with the on again off again girlfriend. I found that extremely disrespectful as he had stopped contact with our daughter when he met this woman and I did not feel comfortable bringing my daughter to meet her or even really dealing with her myself. They obviously have an unstable relationship. He called me petty, we had som choice words and again I didn't hear from him.
Two days ago our daughter was admitted to a psychiatric facility after I found some very concerning diary entries by my daughter talking about Una living herself.
Since coming into our lives my daughter has turned into a mean spirited person. She will fat shame her brothers, hit and push her you get siblings and is just kind of generally abusive to everyone around her. She's told me multiple times she's angry at him and very hurt.
Anyways, I figured he ought to know she's being admitted as this is pretty serious. His response was "we are trying to figure a way up there". As in him and the girlfriend were going to come up while our child was in crisis. I went off again. Telling him again he has chosen this woman over our daughter and how dare he think it's appropriate to bring this woman up here while outr daughter is in crisis. I told him it is up to our daughter if they are involved and just showing up ESPECIALLY with the person she feels (justifyibly so) that he chose over her while she's in crisis. He come back with he has no idea why I'm bringing it back to him and the girlfriend when we should be focusing on getting our daughter better. My stance is, he brought it up. He asked for eventually for us all to be able to be cool and again he implied he was going to try and bring her up here to visit our daughter in the hospital. I laid a boundary. And some how I am the one not focusing on our daughter right now.
This was yesterday and I have not heard one word from him. He has not inquired as to how our daughter is, what facility she is at, how he can contact her. Nothing. I am so irate at this point I am seeing red.
AITA for being so angry at him? In my state abandonment is after 6 months. He was gone for 9 years. He has been inconsistent at best especially the last 6 months or so. Would I be justified in just blocking him and continuing on with our life like he never showed up?

Someone transferred my mother 3000 rupees this morning also checked the bank statement and Google pay history the amount is received but now the person is asking over and over to pay her back the suspicious part is the person called from weird phone numbers 7 times 9 and then some digits or 91212121212 something like that and even sent a text message from a uk number is it another scam or is it someone who actually lost his money?

Someone transferred my mother 3000 rupees this morning also checked the bank statement and Google pay history the amount is received but now the person is asking over and over to pay her back the suspicious part is the person called from weird phone numbers 7 times 9 and then some digits or 91212121212 something like that and even sent a text message from a uk number is it another scam or is it someone who actually lost his money?

I (19F) have been keeping this secret since I was a 12 year old girl. Obviously for confidentiality I'm not saying exact names. So I was 12 years old and in seventh grade I had just recently moved and my sister "ann" (age 26) had just moved in beside us she had also just been recently married to this guy named "Mark" (age 25 or 26). At the time I was deathly afraid of men because a few years earlier I was molested by my older brother. So initially I was afraid of Mark because of that. I had started to want to go over to my sister's since she was next door. For awhile I would just go and have fun. I eventually learned that Mark was a decent guy because he was nice to me. Sometimes he would be too nice. He would smack my butt and tell me I was cute or other things I'm not going to mention yet. At my sisters house they had a garage separate from the house with a side room for storage. Mark had made it into a gaming room for him and his friends. Of course I always wanted to play games on his Xbox since my mother hated video games. So the only place I could play was over there. One day I was in the side room playing Minecraft and I sat on a small stool beside Marks recliner chair. I was focused on building a house and then I feel a hand on my leg. I look at my leg and don't say anything thinking he was just messing around. He then moves his hand down to my privates and whispers in my ear "can I?" Of course being 12 and afraid I didn't say anything because I was frozen in shock. He proceeded to touch me. At the time I had such mixed emotions because I trusted him and I didn't understand because I was molested prior. The thing is that I liked it but I didn't want to like it. He ended up doing the deed while I had no emotion from shock. He took my virginity and I had no say in it. He went on and continued to "grape me" until I was 17. He divorced my sister and I thought I was free. He moved out of my sister's house and would visit because they had a son together. Ok these visits he would tell my mom that I should come "hangout" with him because I'm his "best friend" so my mom would make me go. We would go to the beach with my nephew and he would touch me under the water when his son wasn't looking. Eventually I moved away hoping that was the end. He messaged me the first week I had moved away because before I was 18 I had never had a phone due to my mom. He texted me saying we should meet up. I said no and then he said we were just going out to lunch. I agreed because he offered to pay and I was hungry. So I saw him and his new girlfriend. We ate and then he said he forgot his wallet so I paid 50 for our food. Then he said I should stay with him and his girlfriend the same night. He had driven me and I was scared so I said yes because i didn't know what he would do to me. He ended up doing it again right beside his girlfriend. I ended up going home in the morning and wanting to unalive myself because I couldn't get out of it. I then learned he had moved away shortly after the encounter. He would text me and say vulgar things and I would ignore him. One day he texted me and it said I have a free place for you. I said I'll think about it and he said I have two weeks before the place was gone so I needed to decide. I declined him and told him I wasn't risking my family for him after he "graped me" He told me I liked it and I needed to calm down. I ended up blocking him and no one has ever known I had $ex with him. It's always been "our secret" I've wanted to tell my sister but she would disown me forever. I don't know what to do and there's even more to the story I left out. If my sister ever sees this know that I'm sorry and there's nothing I can do to change what I did but I'm sorry.

Ministers apologise and return £7,000 in benefits to woman, 93, with dementia
Government ministers have formally apologised and repaid £7,000 to a 93-year-old woman whom they held responsible for running up benefits overpayment debts even though they were told she had dementia and was unable to manage her affairs.
The case, which the minister for disability, Mims Davies, admitted was “disturbing”, was brought to light by the Guardian as part of its investigation into carer's allowance overpayments.
The agreement to write off the debt of the 93-year-old, whom the Guardian has chosen not to name, comes as ministers have promised to try new ways of sharing information with carers to try to prevent them building up months and years of overpayments.
Read the full article on theguardian.com
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DWP confirmed that it is developing an ‘enhanced notification strategy’ to alert carer’s allowance claimants to possible overpayments
Notifications designed to encourage claimants to report changes in income and so reduce the risk of being overpaid.
As part of its policy paper, Fighting Fraud in the Welfare System: Going Further, that was published earlier this week, the Department says (at paragraph 78) -

'In carer’s allowance we are progressing an enhanced notification strategy as part of our existing commitment to improve customer engagement, building on our existing communications with customers. As part of this notification strategy we are considering all forms of targeted contact to find the most effective and efficient solution, such as exploring the use of targeted text messages or emails to alert claimants and encourage them to contact the Department when the DWP is made aware of a potential overpayment.'

The Department added -

'The new strategy will help claimants understand when they may have received an earnings-related overpayment or are at risk of doing so, and will encourage claimants to contact the DWP to meet their obligation to inform the Department of changes in their income and other relevant circumstances. This will reduce the risk of those customers being overpaid.'

Note: having expressed concern that the DWP had 'done nothing' to stop carers building up huge overpayments of benefit despite knowing what people are earning, Work and Pensions Committee Chair Stephen Timms called on the National Audit Office to investigate problems with the carer's allowance system and, in particular, its failure to prevent or rectify overpayments.
Stephen Timms has also written to Secretary for State for Work and Pensions Mel Stride highlighting concerns about the DWP's lack of progress with overpayments since the previous committee's report in 2019. Mr Timms' letter repeats the committee's recommendation that the DWP increase the rate of carer's allowance and goes on to call for the DWP to review both the amount and the cliff-edge nature of the earnings limit and for the removal of the 21-hour study rule.
For more information, see Policy paper: Fighting Fraud in the Welfare System: Going Further from gov.uk
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Carers UK has welcomed the DWP's plans, noting this is the 'minimum' they've been calling for to tackle carers' overpayments. However, Director of Policy and Public Affairs Emily Holzhausen also highlights that implementing the strategy is 'urgent', asks that the whole issue be moved out of being branded benefits fraud, and that carer's allowance be reviewed as it should be 'modernised to reflect the realities of caring'.
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DWP-commissioned research highlights how the carer’s allowance earnings threshold influences decisions about how many hours carers work
Report also makes clear that the Department was made aware three years ago that there was room to improve claimant understanding and possibly reduce mistakes leading to overpayments by improving its communications.
The research, Experiences of claiming and receiving carer’s allowance, explores how and why people claim carer's allowance; their caring roles; experiences of combining paid work and care; and how well claimants understand the rules associated with the benefit. While carried out in 2020/2021, the research has been published today against a backdrop of calls for the wholescale reform of carer's allowance as a result of evidence that claimants who have earned above the carer's allowance earnings limit have been left with large overpayments and, in some cases, prosecuted for fraud.
While the research found that many claimants in employment felt there was a practical limit to the hours they could work, with many saying it was only feasible to be working part-time due to their caring responsibilities, it also found that -

• the earnings threshold appeared to influence decisions about how many hours some people worked. Even though claimants often denied that the threshold influenced their choices, they acknowledged being mindful to stay below the threshold. One claimant felt he had to refuse shifts at work that would take him over the threshold;
• in another example, the earnings limit led a claimant to reduce her hours as her wages increased, and eventually she was working so few hours that her employer felt it was not worth employing her due to her limited availability; and
• some claimants in paid work felt they might work more hours if not for the earnings threshold, and even suggested tapering the carer’s allowance earnings rule to encourage claimants to work more.

Published on the same day that the Work and Pensions Select Committee said that there has been insufficient progress in addressing the problems with carer's allowance that it highlighted five years ago, the research makes clear that the Department has been aware of the issues for some time. For example, it highlights confusion relating to the complexity of the earnings calculation, including how deductions such as childcare expenses and pension contributions are taken account of, and whether wages can be averaged if you earn more in a particular week.
In addition, with the Chair of the Select Committee Stephen Timms having said recently that the DWP has done nothing to stop carers building up huge overpayments despite knowing what people are earning, and the Committee having called on the National Audit Office to investigate the problems with the system, the research found that -

• poor communication on the part of the DWP meant that not all of those that had been overpaid benefit were clear on the reason for the overpayment;
• some said that while they were initially notified or questioned about an overpayment there was then no follow-up from the Department; and
• when the overpayment was initially raised, several claimants felt that they were spoken to or treated by DWP as though they had intentionally committed fraud when the overpayment had been a misunderstanding.

As a result, the research says -

'... there is room to improve claimant understanding and possibly reduce mistakes leading to overpayments by improving communications around eligibility criteria. Since claimants did not engage with the detail of their benefit regularly, possibly only considering it once a year when they received their annual letter, more frequent communications may improve clarity of knowledge around carer’s allowance.'

Other key findings include that -

• most claimants cared for close relatives, with two in five caring for a child (39 per cent), a quarter caring for a spouse or partner (25 per cent), and one in five (22 per cent) caring for a parent;
• caring was a long-term and high-intensity commitment, with half of claimants (52 per cent) spending 65 or more hours caring per week and more than half (54 per cent) caring for between 5 and 20 years;
• only 16 per cent of carer's allowance claimants were currently in paid work, tending to work part- time in lower paid jobs that they were able to fit around their caring responsibilities, with most (81 per cent) working 20 hours or less a week;
• of those not currently in paid work, seven in ten (69 per cent) said this was due to their responsibilities as a carer, with other barriers including a lack of flexible working options, claimants’ own health and confidence issues; and
• there was a lag between starting caring and claiming carer's allowance, with seven in ten claimants (70 per cent) caring for 5+ years, but only 3 in 10 (34 per cent) having claimed carer's allowance for that length of time.

For more information, see Experiences of claiming and receiving carer’s allowance from gov.uk
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Almost 135,000 people currently have an outstanding carer's allowance debt, with more than £250 million owed in total, according to figures supplied by DWP Minister Paul Maynard
DWP Minister also confirms that women represent 68 per cent of those with an outstanding debt.
Responding to a written question in Parliament from Work and Pensions Committee Chair Stephen Timms, Mr Maynard said -

'As of 14 May 2024, the volume of people who have an outstanding carers allowance debt is 134,800 with a total value of £251 million. This figure represents the total stock and as such the total monetary amount may have been accrued over multiple years. Those who have an outstanding carers allowance debt may no longer be in receipt of the benefit.'

Mr Maynard added that -

'Women make up the majority of carer’s allowance claims, and this is reflected in the proportion of those with an outstanding carer’s allowance debt. As of 14 May 2024, there were 42,800 (32 per cent) males, 91,900 (68 per cent) females and 100 (less than 1 per cent) not identified, with an outstanding carer's allowance debt.'

The Minister also confirmed that, as of November 2023, there were more than 991,000 people in receipt of carer's allowance, consisting of around 271,000 (27 per cent) males and 720,000 (73 per cent) females.
Mr Maynard's written answer is available from parliament.uk
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Total value of benefit overpayments in 2023/2024 increased to almost £10 billion, representing 3.7 per cent of benefit expenditure for the year
New DWP figures also show that official error underpayments remained at around £1 billion, and that people could have claimed more than £3 billion more 'if they had provided accurate information about their circumstances'.
In Fraud and error in the benefit system: financial year 2023 to 2024 estimates, the DWP calculates how much money it overpaid or underpaid as a percentage of total benefit expenditure for the year (£266.2bn) - for benefits including universal credit, housing benefit, personal independence payment, employment and support allowance and pension credit - and how many claims were paid an incorrect amount.
Note: the statistics no longer include estimates of claimant error underpayments as these are now published separately, as confirmed in recent DWP guidance.
In relation to incorrect payment rates across all benefits for the financial year ending (FYE) 2024, the figures show that the total rate of benefit expenditure overpaid was 3.7 per cent (£9.7bn), compared with 3.6 per cent (£8.3bn) in 2022/2023. In addition, the total rate of benefit expenditure underpaid was 0.4 per cent (£1.1bn), compared with 0.5 per cent (£1.2bn) in FYE 2023.
Looking in more detail at the figures for individual benefits, the statistics include data showing that -

• for universal credit, expenditure increased to £51.9bn in 2024 with an overpayment rate of 12.4 per cent (£6.5bn) and underpayment rate of 0.3 per cent (£180m), compared to expenditure of £43.4 bn, overpayments at 12.7 per cent (£5.5bn) and underpayments at 0.6 per cent (£240m) in FYE 2023;
• for personal independence payment (PIP), the overpayment rate was at the lowest recorded level of 0.4 per cent (£90m), compared with 1.1 per cent (£200m) in FYE 2023. However, the underpayment rate went up to 0.4 per cent (£80m), from 0.3 per cent (£60m) the previous year;
• for pension credit, the overpayment rate was 9.7 per cent (£520m) in FYE 2024, compared with 6.8 per cent (£330m) in the previous year, with underpayments remaining unchanged at 0.3 per cent (£50m) for both years; and
• for housing benefit, almost £1bn (£980m) was overpaid in FYE 2024 (6.3 per cent of expenditure), compared with £860m (5.7 per cent) in 2023. Underpayments remained stable at 0.4 per cent of spending (£50m in FYE 2024 and £60m in FYE 2023).

In addition to the fraud and error statistics, the DWP has also issued Unfulfilled eligibility in the benefit system: Financial Year Ending (FYE) 2024, in line with its decision to remove claimant underpayments from its main fraud and error estimates. The new statistics set out the percentage of benefit expenditure that could have been paid to people with unfulfilled eligibility 'if they had provided the correct information', and show key findings that include -

• the unfulfilled eligibility rate for 2024 is 1.2 per cent of expenditure (£3.1bn), compared with 1.0 per cent (£2.3bn) in the previous year; and
• universal credit, PIP and disability living allowance (DLA) account for around three-quarters of the total value of unfulfilled eligibility (at £730m, £870m and £750m respectively in FYE 2024).

The DWP highlighted that -

'PIP has the second highest unfulfilled eligibility rate [4 per cent] of all benefits and fairly high expenditure [£21.6bn], so due to this combination, PIP accounts for around one-quarter of total unfulfilled eligibility in FYE 2024. DLA has the highest unfulfilled eligibility rate [11.1 per cent] but relatively low expenditure [£6.8m], so even though its rate is higher than PIP, it accounts for a similar amount of total unfulfilled eligibility in FYE 2024. Universal credit has a lower unfulfilled eligibility rate than DLA and PIP [1.4 per cent] but its high expenditure means that it also accounts for a similar amount of total unfulfilled eligibility in FYE 2024.'

For more information, see Fraud and error in the benefit system: financial year 2023 to 2024 estimates and Unfulfilled eligibility in the benefit system: financial year 2023 to 2024 estimates from gov.uk
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Work and Pensions Secretary Mel Stride has set out the DWP's plans to scale up its 'fight against fraudsters'
New measures include using machine learning to detect and prevent fraudulent claims, as well as introducing a new Bill to enable benefit fraud to be treated like tax fraud.
Issuing a written statement in the House of Commons on 13th May, Mr Stride said -

'In the continued fight against fraud, today the Government will publish a new paper setting out the progress we have made in tackling fraud and error in the welfare system - Fighting Fraud in the Welfare System: Going Further. The paper sets out the progress we have made in delivering the commitments in the Government's 2022 command paper Fighting Fraud in the Welfare System and it demonstrates where we are going further to protect taxpayers’ money from fraudsters.'

Highlighting that the Data Protection and Digital Information Bill, currently before Parliament, will enable the Department to work with third parties such as banks to identify claims that signal potential fraud and error, Mr Stride says that the new measures being introduced include -

• bringing forward a new Fraud Bill in the next parliament to treat benefit fraud like tax fraud, by providing for the ability to make arrests and conduct searches and seizures by warrant;
• exploring a new civil penalty to punish fraudsters, potentially broadening the scope of cases that can receive a penalty when the courts are not prosecuting, and increasing the value of the civil penalty;
• tripling the size of the Targeted Case Review programme to reach almost 6,000 staff with the aim of saving £6.6 billion by 2027/2028; and
• making changes to universal credit including new partly automated checks on self-employed income, new online prompts for claimants to re-declare their circumstances (such as if they have moved in with a partner), and increasing checks on capital when people claim the benefit to ensure they are eligible.

Note: the Department confirms that final decisions on accepting or stopping a claim will, however, continue to be made by a member of DWP staff.
For more information, see DWP updates Fraud Plan from gov.uk
In response to the above article the Disability News Service reported that the government's fraud policy paper ignores coroner’s concerns over review of disabled woman’s universal credit claim. Read the DNS article on disabilitynewsservice.com
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Less than half of legacy benefit claimants who were sent a migration notice between July 2022 and March 2024 have made a claim for universal credit, according to new figures from the DWP
However, new DWP statistics also show that 60 per cent of households that claimed universal credit have been awarded transitional protection.
In Completing the move to Universal Credit: statistics related to the move of households claiming Tax Credits and DWP benefits to Universal Credit: data to end of March 2024, the DWP sets out figures for the period since July 2022, noting that -

'In the period covered by this bulletin, the vast majority of migration notices have been sent to tax credit households whose likelihood of claiming universal credit and receiving transitional protection may be different from DWP legacy benefit claimants, the majority of whom had not yet been sent a migration notice in the period covered in this bulletin.'

The statistics include that -

• a total of 824,050 individuals (in 540,070 households) were sent migration notices up to March 2024 - up by around 300,000 and 200,000 respectively compared to the totals for December 2023;
• a total of 400,940 individuals (49 per cent of those sent migration notices), living in 275,980 households, have made a claim for universal credit;
• of households that have claimed universal credit, 166,860 (60 per cent) have been awarded transitional protection;
• a total of 238,990 individuals who were sent migration notices are still going through the managed migration process; and
• a total of 184,120 individuals who were sent migration notices have had their legacy benefit claims closed.

Move to Universal Credit statistics, July 2022 to March 2024 is available from gov.uk
Note: the DWP has also published Universal Credit statistics, 29 April 2013 to 11 April 2024­ which show that there were 6.7 million people on universal credit in April 2024 (300,000 more than the 6.4 million in January 2024) and that half of households on universal credit that received a payment in February 2024 included children.
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Department for Communities also confirms that claimants in receipt of other legacy benefits will be issued with migration notices 'in the coming months'
The Department for Communities (DfC) has confirmed that the 'Move to UC' rollout in Northern Ireland has expanded this week to include people receiving tax credits along with housing benefit.
Announcing the expansion of the process, Deputy Secretary of Work and Health at the DfC Paddy Rooney said -

'We continue to take a measured and carefully managed approach to migrating legacy benefit recipients to universal credit. We have already successfully completed issuing migration notices to tax credit only recipients and we will continue to take every step possible to ensure that everyone receives the help and support they need during this next phase of Move to UC.'

The Department also confirmed that once it has issued migration notices to all those receiving tax credits with housing benefit, the following groups will be contacted in this order -

• people claiming income support;
• people claiming housing benefit only, and those claiming child tax credit with income-related employment and support allowance (ESA); and
• people claiming income-based jobseeker's allowance.

In relation to the bringing forward of managed migration for ESA and ESA/housing benefit claimants in Great Britain, announced by the Prime Minister on 19 April 2024, the DfC says that it is working to assess the impact of this on the region. It also confirms that it will align with the DWP's aim to complete the migration of legacy benefit claimants to universal credit by March 2025.
For more information, see Tax credit with housing benefit recipients next to 'Move to UC' and Rollout of Universal Credit for Tax Credit and Legacy Benefit customers - screening from ni.gov.uk
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57,000 adverse universal credit sanction decisions were made in January 2024, according to new DWP statistics
DWP statistics also highlight that around 95 per cent of decisions are as a result of failure to attend or participate in a mandatory interview.
In Benefit sanctions statistics to February 2024, the DWP reports on both the rate and duration of sanctions for universal credit claimants who are in conditionality regimes where they be applied.
Key findings include that -

• in February 2024, 30.1 per cent of claimants were in conditionality regimes that were subject to sanctions and, of these, 6.52 per cent were sanctioned - down 0.64 percentage points from the previous quarter;
• over the last year, 94.9 per cent of adverse sanction decisions were for failure to attend or participate in a mandatory interview; and
• in February 2024, there were 20,000 completed sanctions in the 4 weeks to 13 weeks sanction duration band, 4,800 in the over 13 weeks to 26 weeks duration band, and 4,000 of over 26 weeks duration.

In addition, while the total number of claimants in conditionality regimes where sanctions can be applied has remained largely stable since May 2022 (currently at 1.95 million), the total number of adverse sanction decisions stood at 57,000 in January 2024, the highest since March 2022.
The DWP notes that -

'Comparisons with universal credit prior to February 2024 ... should not be made. This is because the data sources, methodology and rules of the benefits differ from those used for universal credit currently.'

However, it adds that, following the reinstated duration measures and rate methodology improvements, the data is now determined stable and fit for purpose and, as of May 2024, it is published under the 'Official Statistics' label as opposed to 'in development'.
For more information, see Benefit sanctions statistics to February 2024 from gov.uk
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DWP has admitted missing multiple opportunities to record the 'vulnerability' of a disabled woman whose death was later linked by a coroner to failings at the heart of its UC system
The Disability News Service reported on the case of Nazerine (known as Naz) Anderson, from Melton Mowbray, who died of an overdose in June last year, after receiving a UC review notice.
According to a prevention of future deaths (PFD) report sent to the department by coroner Fiona Butler, the DWP missed six opportunities to record Anderson’s “vulnerability” on its IT system while it was reviewing her universal credit claim, and had failed to act on the mental distress she showed in phone calls about her claim. It also repeatedly failed to act on requests to direct its telephone calls and letters to her daughter.
The DWP admits multiple universal credit failures before disabled woman’s death article is available on disabilitynewsservice.com
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Number of emergency food parcels distributed across the UK by the Trussell Trust has increased by 90 per cent over the past five years
Food charity reports that it distributed more than three million parcels last year, with more than a million of them going to children.
In Emergency food parcel distribution in the UK: April 2023 - March 2024, the Trust says that it distributed 3,121,404 food parcels, the most parcels that it has ever distributed in a financial year, representing a four per cent increase on last year's record-breaking numbers for 2022/2023 and a 94 per cent increase since 2018/2019.
The charity also highlights that the number of parcels provided to children has continued to rise, exceeding 1.1 million in 2023/2024, and that food bank support is provided disproportionately to children, compared to the proportion of children in the UK population. In addition, it notes that pension age households are increasingly likely to need to use a food bank, with food bank support for these households having more than quadrupled between 2018/2019 and 2023/2024 (an increase of 345 per cent), compared to an 81 per cent rise amongst households without someone of pension age.
Also sharing statistics on the reason for referral for an emergency food parcel - which include health, benefit issues, work hour changes, insecure housing, changes in personal circumstances, immigration status and domestic abuse, as well as income and debt levels - the Trussell Trust says -

'Across all households the most common reason for referral was due to issues with income and debt levels. The vital role of the social security system in driving these trends is clear from the fact that the majority (78 per cent) of people referred to food banks were reported to solely have income from the social security system, with a further 8 per cent having earned income as well as income from social security.'

Trussell Trust Chief Executive Emma Revie said -

'It’s 2024 and we’re facing historically high levels of food bank need. As a society, we cannot allow this to continue. We must not let food banks become the new norm ... A supportive social security system is the bedrock on which we end hunger for good. Building on this, we need much more effective employment and financial support for parents, carers and disabled people, and action to ensure everyone can have the security we all need to access opportunities and have hope for the future, through more secure and flexible jobs and investment in social housing. Food banks are not the answer. They will be there to support people as long as they are needed, but our political leaders must take bold action to build a future where everyone has enough money to afford the life’s essentials. The time to act is now.'

For more information, see End of Year Stats from trusselltrust.org
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Employment Minister Jo Churchill has provided a House of Lords Select Committee with an undertaking that the administrative earnings threshold (AET) in universal credit will not be increased again without a 'sound evidence base'
However, Minister's evidence to Lords Committee fails to address its dissatisfaction with DWP's explanation for not publishing robust evidence to support previous increases in the threshold.
Further to the Lords Secondary Legislation Scrutiny Committee's report on new regulations that implemented a further increase in the AET from 13 May 2024 - that criticised the ‘inexplicable’ lack of data evaluating previous increases in the threshold in September 2022 and January 2023 - the Committee held a one-off evidence session yesterday to question the Minister and DWP officials.
Introducing the session, Committee Chair Lord Hunt acknowledged that the DWP had agreed to share its informal findings supporting its AET policy. However Lord Hunt added that -

'... similar, no doubt to the material that the Social Security Advisory Committee saw but correctly declined, if information is not available to the House and the public, then we feel unable to consider it either.'

The Committee then questioned the Minister about the Department's failure to publish evidence providing an assessment of the impact of increasing the AET either before or after implementing the change.
In response, Ms Churchill highlighted that the Department did publish a randomised controlled trial evaluation in 2018 providing the highest level of evidence on the impacts of increased in-work conditionality that Ministers have had sight of. When challenged that this evidence is somewhat outdated and 'a bit threadbare' - as it has been relied on for three increases in the AET - Ms Churchill indicated that Ministers also had early sight of unpublished research (a Regression Discontinuity Design (RDD) study) that compares the experiences of claimants who are just below and just above the AET.
When pressed on the expected publication dates for this and further evidence, Mr Churchill said -

'I have asked for [the RDD study] to be available as soon as it can be, and the date I was given was spring 2024 ... I would like it out the door as soon as possible, so you have more data ... RDD is the next piece, the next building block and then, the longitudinal study will come through in 2025.'

Concluding the session with a final question, Lord Hunt, speaking on behalf of the whole Committee, said -

'... we're looking for an undertaking from you, not to further expand the cohort until the Department can publish robust evidence of its effects. Are you able to give us that undertaking?

Ms Churchill responded -

'So are you alluding to us holding 15 hours or with this latest laying at 18? Because I could certainly say to you, I think with all confidence that at 18, we want to understand the iterations and make sure that we've got a sound evidence base from there.'

NB - the increase in the AET in January 2023 was based, for individuals, on the equivalent of them working 15 hours per week at the National Living Wage, and this week's increase to the equivalent of them working 18 hours per week.
Despite welcoming the Minister's reply, Lord Hunt went on to say -

'... we accept your undertaking, except we are still as dissatisfied as we were because you haven't provided, in the view of the Committee, sufficient explanation yet. We are awaiting this robust evidence, which I think that we now expect in June 2024.'

The evidence session Regulations to increase the Administrative Earnings Threshold (Legislative scrutiny) is available from parliament.tv
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Work and Pensions Select Committee has called on the government to bring forward proposals to compensate women born in the 1950s who suffered as a result of the DWP's communication failures when their pension age was increased, and asks that it does so in the current parliamentary session
Committee chair highlights lengthy delay and urgency for affected women and calls on government to act on Parliamentary Ombudsman recommendations before summer recess.
Writing to Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Mel Stride, Committee Chair Stephen Timms requests government support for 'urgent action' following the Parliamentary Ombudsman's final report in March 2024 which recommended a remedy based on level 4 of its severity of injustice scale, putting awards at between £1,000 and £2,950.
Mr Timms says that the Committee does not seek to question the Ombudsman's proposal for compensation at level 4, but instead has focused on what a remedy may look like -

'The evidence we received indicated support for a rules-based system. This would be a system where payments would be adjusted within a range (based on the PHSO’s severity of injustice scale) to reflect the extent of change in the individual’s State Pension age and the notice of the change which the individual received. This would mean that the less notice you had of the change and the bigger the change in your SPA, the higher the payment you would receive. While not perfect, the advantages of such a system are that it would be: quick to administer; applying known data to a formula to determine the amount due; and relatively inexpensive (compared to a more bespoke system).'

The Committee's recommendation also includes some flexibility for individuals to make the case for further compensation in the event that they have experienced direct financial loss, for example where a woman whose divorce settlement was less than it would have been because it was based on the expectation that she would receive her state pension at 60.
Mr Timms also asks the government to consider -

'... the need for urgent action, given that the Ombudsman started to look at this issue in 2018 and that every 13 minutes a woman born in the 1950s dies ... Implementing a remedy will need parliamentary time, financial resources, and the data and technical systems only available to your department. It cannot happen without government support. We would ask you to bring forward proposals for a remedy by the summer recess.'

Mr Timms' letter to the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions is available from parliament.uk
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The government is set to initiate firefighting support using Japan’s Quasi-Zenith Satellite System Michibiki in Thailand, where air pollution from forest fires is severe. Information about forest fires will be transmitted via satellite to ensure smooth communication, rather than solely relying on potentially unstable mobile phone signals. This approach aims to speed up firefighting activities to prevent the spread of substances that can cause health damage.
The government has been conducting trials utilizing Michibiki since the end of 2022 in Sri Lanna National Park, located close to Chiang Mai in Thailand. Sensors installed in the park detect smoke and transmit information about the location and scale of the fire. This information is sent to a ground station in Japan, then relayed to Michibiki and finally transmitted to a dedicated receiver for the smartwatches of firefighting teams in the national park.
Unlike the U.S. GPS system, Michibiki can send not only location information, but also text messages from space. It orbits over Japan and Southeast Asia, transmitting signals unobstructed by mountains or buildings. This enables message delivery even in national parks, where mobile phone signal strength is low.
In Thailand, air pollution caused by wildfires and agricultural burning in rural areas, particularly in the northern and northeastern regions, has become a significant issue of public concern. This pollution results in levels of airborne PM2.5 particles, which are carcinogenic, often exceeding safety standards. Air pollution in the region has already caused health issues, including asthma. In March, Thai Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin visited the national park to observe the pilot initiative. The Japanese government is keen to further enhance cooperation with Thailand to lead to rapid practical application of the system.
The Japanese government also hopes that the support initiative will lead to expanded sales channels for equipment and systems developed by Japanese companies. In the trial initiative, Sony Group Corp. is responsible for developing smoke-detection sensors, while NTT Data Group Corp. is building the information communication system for the firefighting teams. The government hopes to expand future business opportunities for Japanese companies throughout Thailand and in other countries.
Yomiuri Shimbun

For anyone who commented or chimed in on my last post, I thought I'd pass along a brief update.
To summarize: Since my (31M) wife (30F) returned from a work trip last July, she has cared more about her looks than she used to, is more protective of her phone, and may have dropped hints of doing things in bed that we haven't done together (I explained in the other posts about "Never Have I Ever"). Recently, right before another work trip, she bought very sexy thongs that aren't what she normally would wear.
On the advice of several commenters from the last post, I hired a PI to look into her work trip. While she was away, I also went and got myself tested and arranged to take some time off from work when she came back, in case the PI found anything out and I needed to make some major life choices.
I am relieved to say that nothing incriminating came up on her work trip. I know that doesn't mean something didn't happen on other trips, but it does mean that there is nothing definitive from this trip she was so excited about.
Regarding my tests, I didn't test positive for anything. Also, the results weren't delivered in a letter. So to those of you who said the letter I thought I saw might not have been test results, you could be right after all.
This week, once she returned from her trip, I checked out her routines going to the gym and going for long walks after work. I felt gross using my time off from work to sneak around, but without evidence from the trip, I wanted to check on things myself.
I found nothing. She worked out alone at the gym and just listened to music and briefly sat in the park during her walk.
Her change in behavior still feels weird to me, but I don't have any concrete evidence to confront her with, and I still want to try to give her the benefit of the doubt. When I recently asked her again about some of her behavior, she said that her turning 30 made her want to focus more on staying fit and beautiful, hence her going to the gym a lot and caring about her looks more. She didn't have much to say about being glued to her phone other than that she is just as protective as anyone else would be.
Coming up empty on several searches for evidence, I would like to know does anyone have any other suggestions on where to look? We don't have the same cell phone plan, so I wouldn't be able to easily check on those logs. I also did confirm that she does not have any dating apps downloaded or incriminating messages (at least that weren't deleted) on her phone.
TLDR: I didn't get anything incriminating from searches into my wife's work trip, gym routine and walks after work. Her behavior still feels strange, but I have no concrete evidence of infidelity. Any suggestions on what to do next?