School excuse

This probably doesn’t even matter, but I still want to know. I (19) live with my brother (15), mother, (43) and father (48). We also have 2 foreign exchange students living in our house (both 17). For the sake of this story, I’m only giving my brother and mother pseudonym. I’ll call my brother Garret and my mom… mom, I guess.
So, Garret has a huge appetite, he eats literally anything he can get his hands on. Typical for a teenage boy, I suppose. The thing is, my mom’s gotten used to buying food for just the four of us, not the extra 2 kids living with us, so food runs out fairly quickly. Garret knows this and still continues to eat like a glutton.
I work graveyard shifts at a fast food establishment, so I typically don’t eat dinner at home and instead eat at work because the food is free. Garret does not work and relies on our parents to make him food.
So here’s the issue. On multiple occasions, Garret has eaten food half an hour before dinner, and then gotten upset at us because he couldn’t eat with us. Today, he came home from school, played his video games for a few hours, then came upstairs and grabbed a bag of cereal. He said he was going to eat cereal because “he was bored” and when I told him that’s not a good excuse to be eating a whole meal, he said ”I meant to say I was hungry.” Uh huh. I told him mom was making dinner and he said he “didn’t fucking care”, but as soon as mom found out he’d eaten and said he didn‘t need dinner, he got mad at her, saying it wasn‘t his fault that he… ate food before dinner?
My parents have threatened to put locks on the pantry door before, on account of him eating so much food in the past, but I’m wondering if I’d be in the wrong to actually tell them to consider it. WIBTA?

So, I've kind of posted about this in other threads, specifically on askreddit, but by some users request, I will do my best to fully relay this entire tale up to the current point, as well as provide as much context I am able (and will provide missing context if asked in comments).
TL;DR
A friend of mine of 4 years drank himself into liver failure and his wife cheated on him, so I offered him a free room to try and put his life back together, and I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own, but honestly, it's probably not that bad.
Part 1: CONTEXT
Me and my wife have been together since early 2014, and married in late 2017. We have been through much together, including two extended deployments, one of which was 10 and a half months long. We have traveled the world together, lived on both coasts of the US, and despite much of our struggles and how things eventually went down, I was always convinced we would work as a team to overcome any issues.
The friend in question was, largely, an online friend. We met playing an MMO during covid and we quickly formed a very tight knit, but small, community that were very close that included me, my wife, my friend, his wife, and 4 other friends. Covid was a wild time and I was surprised how easy it was to form friends in this group and we kept in touch, as a whole, even once quarantine had ended and most of us had moved on from that particular game. This was a group that, while it started online, we have met most of these people several times IRL and had vacations to spend time together and just hang out.
Part 2: His Problems
Fast forward to about January of 2024. My buddy, from here on out I will refer to as Z (and for a quick add, I will refer to my wife as D), contacts us to tell us his condition is dire and he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver as a consequence of his extensive drinking. Shaken, we quickly charter a flight out to visit. Within a week, we're staying with him and his wife and his roommate and a couple members of his family who are taking care of him. This man is bloated, yellow, and probably about 350lbs now. We are worried, but stay supportive and positive that help can be found, especially since he seems keen on changing his lifestyle for the better. Some of his family start a gofundme that we donate to, and many of the people in our gaming circle who have grown close also donate several thousand dollars (One member of our raid team donated 10k. You never know who is stealth rich on the internet I guess). Me and several other friends discuss the possibilities of helping him get on disability and even getting ourselves tested as compatible living donors. Sad, but hopeful, we depart about a week later, and stay in constant touch.
About a month later, I'm getting a call from one of our mutuals letting me know that "Hey, so I may have goofed up." and tells me how Z's wife had visited him and had a 3 way with him and his wife. I am obviously irate at this and turn to back Z up with comments like "So much for in sickness and in health, huh?" I do what I can to stay supportive, and my wife, D, also makes it a point to stay in touch with him as he has found himself banished to the couch of his apartment. Not even allowed to sleep in his own bed and frequently uncomfortable even being in his bedroom to use the PC.
I'm not particularly rich, but I am not poor either. I served in the military and have a high VA rating which means a constant income and have a steady job and a couple side gigs that pay well enough. My love language, in many ways, is gift giving. I pride myself on being able to pick a good gift, even if it's a little early for an occasion such as a bday or christmas, and will often pull the trigger on something if it means a lot or I think it will help. In this case, my brother was selling an old steam deck because he wanted a new OLED model, so I figured "two birds, one stone", and buy the steam deck off him and send it to Z so we can still game together.
In the intervening months, Z and D start playing games that I have no interest in (Disney Dreamlight Valley), but I am happy to play other games and hang out and chat. Really, nothing seems amiss, but since his banishment, me and my wife are both pushing for him to come and take up the spare bedroom we have in our home. Soon enough, I buy him a plane ticket and he arrives with little more than the clothes on his back and we take him in, no cost other than the expectation that he might help around the house a bit (he was a chef, so having a cook and someone to help clean was ideal for me who often did not have the time or energy to handle these tasks as thoroughly as I would like).
Part 3: The Incident
Now, I am skipping ahead a little bit here, but there's not much to be said about the time between. My wife worked part time hours, and when she did go to work, she'd have him tag along just so he wouldn't "Sit and stew with bad thoughts" at the house alone. I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs because I trusted him, but more importantly, I trusted her with my life.
One new, frequent argument I found myself having with her was she would fall asleep on the couch, and when I finally tried to go to bed, I'd do my best to wake her and drag her upstairs. These became extremely frequent occurrences and I expressed to her how frustrated I was that I had to fight with her just to come to bed so we could sleep (mind you, this is not even about sex. Often I'm taking her to bed at like, 1am and I work at 7, so I really just wanted her to be sleeping in the bed). Hell, one time, I started catching the vibes that the longer I sat and waited for her to be ready to go upstairs, she just never would be, because they were waiting for me to leave so they could talk in hushed tones. On THAT particular night, I went upstairs alone with her finally awake, and she did not join me for another half hour.
Finally, the day arrives. Its Sunday. We are all downstairs hanging out. One of their newest habits I can't really stand but just dealt with is that she'd sit and crochet while he doomscrolled or strummed on a guitar I bought him and listen to music videos on youtube endlessly. Eventually, I grow weary and give my wife a kiss and tell her I'm gonna go upstairs and play some GW2 for a bit.
About an hour passes, and she enters the game room and tells me "I am uncomfortable. I really need to talk to you. Oh, you're dying!" (As she entered the room, I immediately turn face to talk to her and disregard the game, but she decided that my Charr was more important that what was about to happen, so she of course warns me.) We step into the bedroom and close the door.
"You're going to hate me," she says through tears, "me and Z kissed!" At this point, my brain short circuits and I recall one of my first thoughts being "Oh lord, here we go." and just a general desire to not be a part of this conversation. Shock sets in almost immediately. Still with a healthy dose of denial, I talk to her about what had happened and told her that it needed to end. Even at this point, I did not want to send this man home. Was it shock? Denial? Probably a mixture of the two, or some other additional emotional responses. She gets up after some discussion and goes downstairs, promising to shut him down, but comes back about 15 minutes later sobbing "I couldn't do it! I couldn't end it..." (Side note: In my confused haze of a mind, I feel personally threatened, and after she leaves the bedroom, I lock the door and grab a metal water cub I keep at my side and prepare to actually fight if it comes to it, but once she returns, I back off that idea again.)
Talking with her more, I present her with two options; Couple's therapy, or divorce. BOTH of these options are world ending to her, and she even goes so far as to suggest that just because I said the "D word" that it was what I wanted, which was objectively untrue. We talk back and forth about things I don't quite recall at this point, aside from one point where she comes back and locks herself in the master bath and tells me to call 911, she doesn't care, because she's going to take a bunch of pills, but after a couple of hours, Z shows up to the door and knocks and asks if he can come in. I tell him he may enter, and we talk for a bit. After about 5ish minutes, we decide to go downstairs to the living room and continue the discussion.
Once I sit down on the sofa, I immediately feel like I'm being positioned as the bad guy. I'm in the corner of our sectional, and she's on my left, he's on my right. She tells him "He said it's either a divorce or couple's therapy." "Oh, so he gave you an ultimatum?" I continue to argue that yes, those are the two only options. Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." I am thoroughly baffled at this statement.
D: I didn't think it was possible and I didn't mean for it to happen, but I have fallen in love with another man. My heart has room for two. I truly have two soulmates. I have never been happier than sleeping on the couch next to my two boys.
Z: There is no reason you guys can't stay married, and we can explore what we've found. I mean, look at how happy she has been since I have been here!
Sick to my stomach, I get up to go vomit in the toilet. Now, I wore a silicone wedding ring, and often find even with a hand wash, a little water tends to get trapped under it. After I finish and wash myself up, I come back and am playing with my ring to dry it. She sees this as a sign that I am uncomfortable again wearing my ring, and takes off her ring as I sit back down and hands me her wedding ring.
Me: Uh, excuse me?
D: This is what you want, I can tell.
Me: No? I was washing my hands and water gets stuck under my ring...
D: Oh... I thought... okay. (And she takes back her ring from me)
I tell her, very clearly, the options are to either end things with him, or end things with me. At this point, I'm still in shock, but sober in mind enough to decide that this is not worth fighting over. I will not argue with my own wife my merits or why she shouldn't just pack up and leave with a jobless, now essentially homeless man, and if she cannot figure that out herself then I will eventually move on.
Crying, sobbing, she sits down in front of him and says, "I'm so sorry, I fought for you. I really did. I told you I'd fight for you and I failed. I loved being your girlfriend, but I need to be a good wife and stay."
Z says "Alright." and starts to go gather his things to leave. As he does, she grabs him and says "No, wait! Please don't go. I don't know what I want."
Z: Ok, well if we're getting all this out in the open, I want to say this. I love this girl. I love her with my whole heart, and without her, life is not worth living. I will not leave this house if you (me) tell me to. Only her. You are taking this very well right now, I can tell you want to hit me (Still in shock, no, I can genuinely say that emotion or thought had not actually registered outside of the event upstairs earlier), but this is my stand.
D: OP, we had a good run. I'm sorry.
And with that, I get up and go to get my sandals and leave the house to get some air. As I try to go, she runs to the door and he follows her. She pushes the door closed and says "No wait, please!"
Me: No, this is the deal. I'm going out to get some fresh air. I am not threatening self harm to "win you back".
D: Will you be back?
Me: I don't know.
Z: Man, I'm telling you, you don't understand, you think I am your enemy, but I am not.
And with that, I leave and shut the door.
In the about, hour, I am gone, I drive around near the house and I call my supervisor who I have a very good relationship with (and I did not want to involve direct friends or family yet because I'm afraid it's too early to start spreading this news). I go over to her house nearby and we chat shortly. After our talk, I have at least something of a clear head and go home, with words for both of them.
As I arrive home, there is no one downstairs. I go upstairs. His door is closed. I knock on the door.
Z: Uh, one second.
I wait for about 5 agonizing seconds, but I refuse to be shut out of rooms in my own home and open the door. He is shirtless, and she is hiding in the corner just out of sight of me. I look him in the eye.
Me: Really?
Z: Yep.
Me: Get out of my house.
And with that, they both silently pack their things and leave.
The second I hear the front door close, I start calling people. I am not above pettiness, and the first person I call is her mom, whom I have a good relationship with. She is SHAKEN and immediately calls her. (I find out later that it was a particularly harsh verbal beating by her, but it really doesn't change anything.)
When I come downstairs to check the state of the house, I see her wedding ring on the counter. I call out of work the next day and lay down and hope I die.
Part 4: Her Problems
So, there is some additional context that I did not add in part 1 because a lot of it is red flags I ignored over the course of our relationship that, in the days following, started to become more and more obvious. There are many that I spent much effort playing off or covering her for, but I will try to briefly list much of what I see as glaring issues in the relationship that were never remedied.
This woman is 30 years old and cannot drive. She can drive and HAS driven my vehicle at the start of the relationship (albeit illegally), but after one tiny little accident where she hit a pole and knocked my side mirror off (which she paid for and fixed before telling me, it really wasn't a big deal. I was on deployment), she never drove again. Attempts to get her behind the wheel would end very quickly after they started, and the conditions to get her in the seat were often extremely time limited, scheduled, or something would come up, and every time I told her "okay, this month we're getting your license for sure" it just wouldn't happen and I'd end up feeling like the one who was at fault.
She does not have her Bachelor's degree because she did not turn in her final project for one single class. Not only that, but she has never truly pursued a career with the things she learned from the coursework, or even used her AA.
For half of the relationship, she did not work at all. When she did, it was often part time work, and if she was saddled with full time hours or, god forbid, overtime, it was a world-ending affair. She would come home and constantly be tired from her few hours at work and would do little more than sit around and crochet.
Our agreement when we bought our house was that she was going to work full time and we were going to split household duties, but I would definitely scoop the cat box because she was allergic (but she wanted cats) and wash dishes (because she hated them), and she would do laundry (because I hated it). In practice, all her version of laundry turned out to be was to throw loads in when one of us was out of clothes and just hit wash and then rotate, and then leave all the clothes in a pile on the bed. EVERYONE KNOWS folding the laundry is the worst part! Come on! Men's clothes are easy! I don't wear that much! (When we would fold, I often finished in a third of her time and would just hang out and chat until she was done)
Ultimately, this meant that for many years now, she was working barely more than part time if she was working at all, and would sort-of do laundry. Meanwhile, I am scooping litter, folding laundry, doing dishes, doing all related yard work, doing all the household cleaning, handling all the finances, I did MOST of the cooking, and all of the grocery shopping (often going alone), driving her from work if I could (she'd uber it if not) and picking her up and driving her home, as well as just generally being a chauffeur for her for 10 years, while working a full time job and a side gig online. Many nights I'd have to stop what I was doing to pick her up at closing hours, and then would sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes while she did tasks like vacuum her little crystal shop that she definitely could have done before close so I didn't end up waiting so damn long. Then we'd come home hang out and eat while we watched TV, and then if I wanted to try and go upstairs to do another hobby, I'd be silently guilted about it because she wanted to sit on the couch and crochet.
Part 5: My Problems
I am not perfect, and admit I have flaws. One of her favorite things to claim to our friends now is that I was "emotionally neglectful", and if there is truth to it, I think I can pin down the day. Before I started working full time again, I was going to school on the 9/11 GI bill. I was not a good student in my younger years, but in time, I have become rather good at school. My first two semesters back I easily maintained a 4.0 GPA. Over the summer in 2022, I, woefully, decided to take a Calc 2 class online because I could not find one in person and wanted to be ready for Calc 3 in the Fall to fill a prereq for my bachelor's, and I really liked the instructor for that Calc 3 class. This calc 2 class was painful. The instructor had clearly recorded all his lectures during Covid and we were simply given the full course of videos and given work assignments and said "Email me if you have questions." This is not how I learn, but I figured, hey, it's one class. I'm working again, but one class isn't a huge deal. I can knock this out.
I was wrong.
After the second exam, I had a low C in the class and I knew I couldn't keep up. I withdrew from the class feeling no other option. I tend to be pretty good at math, and ultimately my dream was to work with 3d printing on an industrial scale with a Mechanical Engineering degree- and if that failed I had my military history (which is engineering relevant) and a degree to fall back on and work should come easily. After clicking that withdraw button, I saw those dreams vaporize. After that, I threw myself into my government civilian job full time and slowly fell into depression. By the end of our relationship, with the toll of doing 99% of the work around the house and for her and with my dreams dead and buried, at age 33, I would wake up and pray I died. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to just die. I felt backed into a corner. I still did everything I could to support her and hoped that one day, she would pick up some of the load and maybe, just maybe, I could go back, but that day did not come (At least not in the way I expected).
Part 6: The Aftermath
This post is already too long, and if I include every single detail that has come to light since, I might actually hit the post cap, but I will go over at least some of it here.
I have had my friends come out in droves. Both of them have been effectively exiled, at least from what I can see, from every friend circle we have. After a couple of days, they flew back to live with, I guess, his parents in Vegas while they sorted shit out, because after I spoke with Z's previous roommate, he adamantly explained he was tired of all the "fucking drama" that Z had been bringing into the house and was just done with it.
I have spoken with many, many people and gotten even more context and even receipts of some of each of their conversations to our mutual friends, and some of the shit I read is just hilarious. He is "not ashamed of pursuing happiness, he is just sad that people got hurt". She is "coming to terms with emotional neglect and felt trapped, but now, yes now, she is free."
I got my neighbors to watch the cats, and took my dog up to visit my closest friend of 20 years and spent about a week and a half drinking, smoking, and talking about all this while surrounded by some of the most beautiful nature the US has to offer. Truly, without this man, I don't think I'd have gotten this far as quickly as I have. He really has been a lifesaver and I truly, to my dying day, will always appreciate him.
Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her, but she is woefully immature and incapable of adequately performing in an adult society. I have quit my job and am returning to school with a much lighter budget and will be getting that degree I desperately need.
It's been hard, real hard. I have put every ounce of my being into this relationship, and I truly felt like she was part of me, and nothing like this could ever happen. But it's that trust that allowed this to happen. I do not hate her, I'm just disappointed. I will pick up my pieces and, hopefully, find myself whole again soon.
Part 7: Rambling anecdotes
These are some stories I wanted to include in the previous body of text but didn't feel like it kept the same flow (if there even is any at all, I'm not proofreading this). If I remember any others after I post, Ill just toss them in the comments.
Early after Z came to live with us, my mother came to the house to drop off a package. I am pretty sure I was at work, but when my mother came to the door, both of them answered the door and the way my mom describes it "First of all, do you answer the door at your friends house? Also, the way he hovered over her made me uncomfortable. They were in the doorway and he was right up behind her poking his head out." She said my wife had told her that I was feeling unwell and was upstairs sleeping. I can't even be sure at this point.
Shortly before all the things happened, my parents were going out of town to celebrate their own anniversary, and I had agreed to dog-sit their 5 month old puppy (who, while cute, has WAY too much energy and was EXTREMELY difficult to handle, and I have raised several dogs at this point). We met up and took the dog, and then ALL of us (including Z) went to dinner. At dinner, my mother looked at my wife and asked, directly "And so how long have you been married? 6, almost 7 years? Well at least you missed that 7 year itch, huh" and my wife shortly followed with a comment about how she was not hungry and did not eat dinner that night.
All of this happened WHILE THIS CRAZY PUPPY was running around the house, and part of me thinks he pushed this to happen when it did because he could not stand having to help take care of this dog any longer (2 days).
About a week after all this happened, my wife did not text or call me, or respond to any messages or emails I sent her (I didn't send many, but they exist). Frustrated, I text her and tell her I need to talk to her about logistics moving forward, specifically about her belongings. She told me "I will talk to you when I am ready." We did not talk for another week. Also, she told me to stop talking to her mom. (I have a good relationship with both of my in-laws and while her step-father tried to remain impartial to the best of his abilities, he gave me some of the best advice I could possibly have gotten at that time, mostly about how to move forward and cope, as he has personally dealt with this with smaller relationships 3 separate times in his life which he gave me details on, and we are still on good terms.)
Their favorite TV show to watch together was Outlander, which, if you aren't aware, is basically a story about a woman who time travels and has two men in her life.
One of our biggest constant points of contention was my friendship with an old high school buddy (who I spent much of the time in the aftermath hanging out with while healing). We believe, with good reason, that she hated this man because after I had almost been hospitalized for psych reasons due to stress, he had told me I needed to talk to her about working again and doing more to help around the house. She figured out, obviously, who was telling me to say these things, and sent a very, very angry text to his wife. They all apparently made up, but I know she never let that grudge go.
One of the fairly recent hobbies I got into was D&D. It seemed like a good fit for all of us. She loved fantasy and gaming, I enjoyed 3d printing and story telling. She needed friends, and a party of people hangin out would give her at least a few connections to start. Every night she "participated" in D&D, she mostly sat quiet and did not do anything. Hell, I tried to get her to participate in 2 different games, and after she left the first one, she asked to just sit quietly in the discord call (This first one was online only, second was in person) and listen, which was super awkward. In the in person game, after 3 months of playing, she did not know how to play her character at all, and mostly spent her time at the table crocheting. (My buddy even made a comment about how at one point, he was proud of how good I was getting at DMing and I was giving particularly good exposition, and she interrupted me to hand another player at the table a dice bag she made. I don't remember it, but I absolutely believe this happened.)
The day of "the incident", she had a meltdown about how a friend of hers had ghosted her. I told her it was okay, she was much younger anyway and people grow apart. She's probably going through stuff and we should respect that path she's on. She cried about how she has no friends.
Also the day of "the incident", we were in the shower together and she told me she had met her sister's new BF on facetime. I asked "why did she break up with her old one?" "Well... she cheated on him." "Oh, that's a shame. Cheating is probably the most cowardly act a person can do to another. If you're going to start a new relationship, you need to grow a pair and end it before starting a new one." She clearly took my words to heart.
One of my biggest pet peeves about cleaning the house is our dog sheds, a lot. If I see a hairball roll through the house it immediately drains me a bit. We had a roomba. She would send that thing home when it started and never start it again. It barely ran. She would not vacuum.
One of the most common descriptors of her I've heard used by many people now that they're "allowed to" is "She was there, doing the thing with us, but it was like she wasn't there."
Something she thought that I apparently hadn't figured out by the time we talked after everything happened was that they had been talking since February. I told her I wasn't stupid and had figured it out already that this wasn't out of the blue.
Z's wife is currently pregnant with the baby of the man she cheated on him with. (And he is also married)
Anything else I remember Ill leave for comments, I know there is much, much more.

So I’m 35, living at home with a decent job that would have gotten me a house years back, but pays too little with inflation for that dream now. But let's start when I was younger and see where I went wrong. Let's see, I was able to attend private school, was put in tutoring when I had reading comprehension issues. While I never did pass geometry(failed twice), I was okay at math and use it pretty regularly in my line of work. And to top it all off, I took extra classes in highschool, and was able to graduate highschool. I then had half my vocational schooling paid for, so I'd have a decent job to help continue to pay for community college. Looking back, I had every opportunity to succeed and here I am at a park near my parents home with my little sister (she wanted to tag along but chooses to sit 35-40ft from me) because honestly, there’s no comfortable place to work/type. I will be forever grateful to my parents for giving me as much as they did and allowing one of their oldest children to move back home (yet again) due to my poor choices in life.
Yes, I'm aware there are many of us living at home because of the state of the economy but I could have managed money as well as staying on top of class work, instead of spending and not going to class. I have reasons for not continuing school, but honestly, they’re just excuses. Not saying school would have changed too much considering that a good number of millennials seem to be suffering regardless of education, but perhaps staying in school would have helped me be the type of person to see things through, instead of quitting. Guess l’ll never know.
The schooling I did get was in the food industry, so most of you know that type of work, the hours and the pay…it’s all shit. So I spent my twenties working two jobs, falling asleep on the road or anywhere I could sit really. If it weren’t for my ex, idk how I would have survived. We split bills when we moved in together when I was 19 but it was clear, my pay was hardly enough to cover my share. I’d have to wake him up at 4 in the morning just for gas money sometimes…back when twenty bucks could get you a ½ a tank of gas. At least I was slightly on my own, and had a good taste of freedom for a grand total of 6 years.
I moved home at 28 and spent recklessly because I could. Yep, I was the millennial who couldn’t afford to move out but I could afford stitchfix, amazon crap, doordash and little vacations because I didn’t get to experience those things in my early twenties. So my early thirties were spent having the fun I rarely had, and getting in relationships I didn't get to experience. ALL of that left me with 8000 in debt…still debating if it was worth it.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for hate either. I take full responsibility for where I’m at right now. The idea of owning a home or condo or anything at this point seems like a fairytale. Having a family and kids seems irresponsible considering everything. I’m not angry, but I am envious of those who chose a different path and have those things.
But I am wondering, are there others out there in the same or similar predicament as mine? I in no way hate my life, but it could have been much better. I answered a reddit about what I liked to do in SF and my answer seemed to concern someone enough to alert reddit who then sent me a message listing resources to get help. Part of what I said was, “contemplating the meaning of my life”. Not it a suicidal way, but a reflective way.
I also know that things can change. I am doing what I can to save and such, but I have to sorta be okay with where I’m at, so I can wake up and keep it pushing. I have to deal with my reality and be grateful for what I have so I can hold onto some type of happiness.

Idk any doctor’s office that types out a work or school excuse. They’re usually form fill letters. Also, I’m pretty sure they don’t put the diagnosis on the excuse, only that you were seen, are being treated and the dates you’re excused.

Hey Step Parents,
I want to know how I can support my partner through this and what we can do to support SD too (4F).
Last week we were picking SD up from her mums when her mum said "SD are you gonna tell dad or am I?" in a very passive aggressive tone - we both assumed SD has been in trouble at school again. SD got very uncomfortable and BM told us SD doesn't want to come and see us anymore because she doesn't get to spend anytime with mum.
I was livid.
SD lives with BM and Dad only sees her Wednesday evenings (5-8pm) Friday overnight from 5pm, takes SD to swimming lessons 8am Saturday and drops her home to mum by 9am Saturday. He gets her through to Sunday EOWE.
They do not have a court order, this is just to suit her work schedule (back when she was working). (He could do 50/50 but she won't allow it)
It is very obvious to us that SD feels ignored by her mum, especially since moving back in with her new BD and having a newborn baby (5mnths). Her mum never plays with her and never takes her anywhere, and esp since having bub she uses that as her excuse to say no to SD. I feel so bad for SD, she loves quality time and her mum just hands her an ipad.
Anyway we gently did try to explain to SD that she only sees dad 2 days out of the week and that she feels this way because Mum doesn't play with her. Was shit but it needed to be said, there was literally no other excuse we could have given her. We then reassured SD that mum shouldn't have put SD on the spot like that and that it should have been a grown ups conversation without her (or me tbh) there.
Do we reduce Dads custody even less until SD asks to see him??
Do we continue custody as usual?
Should he make a stand and demand 50/50 custody? He pays well above legally required child support.
I know he HAS to have that awkward conversation with BM and say look you are borderline neglecting SD and THATS the reason she feels she's not spending time with you, I just know it'll bite dad in the ass cause BM is an angry person.
SD has serious behavioural issues since moving back in with BM new BD to the point where she's going to be expelled from her school because of the tantrums but she's never like that with us. I wholeheartedly believe this child acts out with her mother is because she does not feel seen or heard.
This had made us start to make arrangements to be even closer to SD so we can request 50/50 or even just more than what we currently have.
How can we support SD?
How can I support Dad?

ive noticed my parents have recently been acting as if ive done somthing, pretty much constantly acting as if ill do something i wont. it hasnt really bothered me that much except for the fact that now my dad just barges in my room to see if im doing my school work on my laptop (which i am). also, something which has REALLY annoyed me is that fact that my mom pretty much admitted to checking AND deleted my things on my phone behind my back, which even though i have nothing too hide, i still find it uncomfortable and i feel backstabbed. pretty much, i was in my room with my phone and my mom asks me how to check my deleted photos. i obviously question why she wants to see them anyways, but i show her that she has to use my passcode anyways. when we enter the thing, i realize that literally ALL of my memes and funny stuff have been deleted. i know that she always checks my messages n' stuff which i already felt super uncomfortable with, but yet again, i had nothing to hide. but i feel like this is WAY too much. you cant just entirely intrude your teenagers privacy and then DELETE his stuff and then get angry when i question it and get uncomfortable with it. they used my age as an excuse, and i understand checking my social media (which either way i dont have any social media apps?), but checking my messages with my real life friends (because i dont talk to people online on my phone), and then checking all my photos and then deleting them is wayyyy too far. is this acceptable at all?

All right I need a little bit of advice so I've made this friend in Middle School he's not the best he says he has habits and I keep on trying to help him and be patient and I've told him to like don't be rude don't say that please don't do that it's like I've said this to him a thousand times already but he doesn't listen and he's also rude to other people and he always has excuses like he's into my classes and he wasn't getting good grades and he just kept on telling my teacher which the classes study skills he keeps on telling the teacher oh my schedule got changed so this is why I got to f oh I'm feeling in this because blah blah blah it's just annoying sometimes and one day I told him if he keeps on doing this I don't want to be your friend anymore and he took it as me not wanting to be his friend anymore he went to the counselor he went to the study skill teacher and they both talk to me about it and they asked me to give him a second chance but I don't want to let me give you guys some backstory I had this friend of a friend and I kept on giving him second chances he kept on doing extremely rude and homophobic and transphobic slurs to one of my friends and I kept on giving him second chances I gave them too many not that I realize it he was terrible and now I don't know what to do cuz I have a little bit of trust issues because of him I just need some advice what do I do

Hello reddit friends, I’ll start off with an obligatory I’m posting from mobile so please excuse any typos or errors.
I (23F) have a friend trio K (22F), and N (22F). N and I have been friends since early childhood as she used to be my neighbor until her family moved away. We lost contact in high school but eventually reconnected around my senior year. I had met K in middle school and we too lost contact during high school as we went to different schools before reconnecting also in my senior year. K was with me the day N called me and we reconnected and all three of us have been really close ever since.
N has experienced many hardships in her life, including (but unfortunately not limited to) being abandoned by her mom, grandma, being put into foster care, and worries of homelessness. I’m not saying this to excuse her actions but to help better paint a picture of how my friend ended up with BPD, abandonment issues, and anger issues.
Anyway, the other day my friend K and I went to this new cat cafe that had just opened up and it had origami cats rather than real cats which was perfect for me since i’m allergic to cats. I took some pictures of the kitties and my drink and posted it to my social media not thinking about it. Then this morning I received a call from N saying she had hurt herself that morning. My first thought was she had relapsed and SHd because she has a past of it, but she went on this long rant about how it was inconsiderate and rude of me to have posted those pictures to my social media knowing that she loved cats and she would’ve loved to join us. She was especially upset that we didn’t invite her and she took me posting as me rubbing it in her face. I apologized for how I made her feel and tried to explain that I wasnt even thinking of how it would affect her and how it was just a spur of the moment thing because K had only told me the other day about it. She was crying and saying we should have been more considerate and she brought up how she and I had talked about how K and I’d friendship can sting sometimes. This is true as we’ve had this conversation many times where I assure her that I dont love one more than the other, that its a different kind of love that you can’t even compare, but she doesn’t seem to ever fully understand what I mean. I dont know what more I can do to placate her especially since I didnt think a simple post would push her over the edge like it did. I ended the phone call feeling very guilty for making my friend feel bad, but feeling even worse thinking about what I could possibly do to show her I do love and care about her.
I talked to K about this situation and she said although she understands where N is coming from, it shouldn’t have been made out to be such a big deal. My mom said the same thing in a far more unpleasant delivery, which I should’ve expected since my mom doesn’t like to beat around the bush. I still feel bad for unintentionally hurting my friends feelings, especially knowing how she feels about everything, but I feel stumped at this point and sort of tired of having to argue my innocence to deaf ears.
So reddit, AITAH for going to a cat cafe without my cat-loving friend?

OK, so basically I’m gonna make this as short suite as possible. I’m 36m who just started dating a 42f who lives in Lafayette, Colorado. A little backstory, I had gone on a couple dates with her in the past ended up becoming more like fwb. But during the process, I got to know her pretty well. Got to know her two daughters pretty good. one stone high school and one just graduated from college. It was my decision to move in a different direction. because I got like really strong noncommittal vibes even though the whole time she’s telling me she’s looking for a monogamous LTR. Then we just completely lost contact with each other for a couple months. And by couple months, I mean like four or five months. Well randomly she hit me up and asked if I would like to go out with her to watch the nuggets game. We go to her favorite place Hoffbrau last weekend. I will say there was something kind of off while we were there. Maybe felt like she was keeping an eye out for somebody maybe. But then she would be real touchy and wanna hug and kiss and like grind up on me. Aside from that wehave a really good time. Go back to the hotel later on that night thave some adult fun. that night and the whole next day she just keeps talking to me about wanting to be in a relationship with me (exclusive). Which was something I just wasn’t really trying to entertain due to how the past turned out. so I agree to dating but non-exclusive with the idea of a long-term relationship. However, since that night, I haven’t seen her. I tried to spend some time with her for Mother’s Day, which she told me she already had plans with her daughters to go to get a pedicure and what not. So totally understood but I still thought you know hey there’s 24 hours in the day. I’m sure I could be able to spend at least a half an hour with her give her Mother’s Day present that’s it. I am I end up spending the whole day texting and calling her to no avail. Like she can’t answer one of the calls or respond back in a text like hey I’ll call you back later. Nothing! Since then, I’ve tried to hang out with her two other times were both times she just used her daughters as excuses to why she couldn’t make any availability. Also doesn’t answer her phone response to text after I send them. It kind of makes me feel like she might be in a relationship and I’m the other guy. And some weird coincidence I’m correct and you are in a relationship with a woman whose initials are BB! And fit a lot of the criteria of what I’ve already spoken on. Let me know.

I am NOT THE OOP, that is u/ExotiqueMagnifique
Trigger Warnings:>! Infidelity, Forced Marriage!<
1st Post: June 19th, 2023
So, I (18m) was born in Port Said in Egypt when my mother was 21 and my father was 38. My father had invested into my grandfather's business and helped stop it from failing and getting married to was pretty much his "reward". It sounds icky to think about but that's how it is in places like that sometimes. When I was ten, my mom admitted to my dad that she'd been having an affair with a guy named Sayid who was eight years younger than her and asked for a divorce.
Somehow, my dad got actual proof of the divorce beyond just her words and from what I understand, infidelity can be treated as a serious crime in Egypt. So, he got her to agree to a divorce where she gave up full rights to me in exchange for complete silence from him. Later that year, my dad and I moved to Canada and my mom and Sayid got married.
My mom would write me letters for a bit and mail presents so I knew that she and Sayid got married, moved to Cairo where they both got jobs and they had a daughter. From what I've been able to tell from the letters is that she's happy and I don't really ever remember her being that way. Eventually the letters became less frequent and now I get like three a year. I got one earlier this month where she told me how proud she was that I was going to graduate from a Canadian school and it made me cry.
After graduation in July, I'm going to Egypt with my uncle to see family in Port Said. My girlfriend is going too because her family is in some city in the Sinai. I told my uncle that I want to take some time to go and see my mother and he seemed uncomfortable with the idea because to him, the idea of the trip was to introduce me and my girlfriends' families to each other so we can get married after university. He talked to my dad about it and my dad told me I'd be wrong to go.
My dad pointed out that while he'd taken full custody and may have been wrong to do so, my mother had never done anything other than write me a letter, she'd never tried to add me on social media, she'd never come to Canada to visit, she hardly ever phoned anymore. When I tried to argue he started talking about how if she'd wanted to be with Sayid she would have divorced the right way and what she did showed that she didn't think about me. When I told him that I still want to meet her he huffed and said he was disappointed and seemed very sad afterward. I know she really hurt him but am I the asshole for wanting to see her?
2nd Post: May 1st, 2024
Thankfully, I didn't make a big post so I got a few comments which were focused on being helpful.
I did go with my uncle to Port Said and I did meet with my girlfriend's family and I think that I won them all over. We're not formally engaged or anything but we will be in about a year. Egypt is a lot different than I remember as a kid, people are a lot less open and more guarded. My girlfriend's family thought that because I was from Canada, I'd be partial to the MB because apparently immigrant kids are. It was really weird.
But I did go to Cairo to see my mom even though I promised my dad that I wouldn't see my mom. I know that what she did was wrong and I do resent her for doing it but I don't want to be the guy who didn't see his mom at all when he was a kid. I mean, if I'm getting engaged next year then I won't be a kid then, I'll have to actually grow up. I don't know, it's a weird thought process but it's mine.
So I convinced my uncle and we went to Cairo. He called my mom to tell her that he wanted to meet her but he didn't tell her that I was coming because he didn't want word to somehow reach back to my dad. They don't talk so that was weird but I didn't bring it up because I was happy that he agreed. My mom works in finance for one of the biggest film studios for Cairo so she took the day off when we went but her husband was at work and her daughter was at school (she's doing some kind of summer classes or something). We went early morning so we could leave before they came back.
It's weird because my mom isn't how I remember her exactly. She has short hair now and she looks really, really young. She wasn't wearing anything traditional. And weirdest of all is how tall she is, she was almost as tall as me and was taller than my uncle. I mean obviously as a kid I thought she was tall but we all do then but she's legitimately like six foot one or something.
She let me and my uncle in when we went but she didn't recognize me at first and it was awkward so I didn't say anything but then she suddenly did and she hugged me and broke down crying and kept saying thank you to my uncle and she actually fell because it was like her legs couldn't hold her up and I had to. My uncle excused himself and said he was going to go meet with some friends in the city and it was nice being alone and when we were, I started crying too. And I think it was because she kept calling me by all the babynames she had for me in Arabic and saying things like "my heart is back".
After we both calmed down I asked her why she stopped writing and she told me that she started hating herself for not being in my life and started believing that I hated her. That she doesn't have social media so she couldn't find me online and that email wasn't personal. She eventually tried something drastic and her husband got her mental health help which brought her to a good place but it led to her writing a lot less.
She was sad when I told her that I would be leaving when my uncle came back because we'd be going back to Canada in a few days but she said it didn't matter because I was still her heart. She promised to write more again. She also said that she knew she couldn't come to Canada for my engagement and my marriage when it happens but pretty much begged me to livestream them all and that way my dad won't know. She barely told me anything about her because she kept making me tell her about things I've done but she did tell me about her job and all the actors that she's met.
It sucked when my uncle came back and I had to go and we cried again but I felt better about it, even though my uncle made me promise not to tell my dad. Since then, she has been writing to me a lot more and we've been emailing as well. She actually sent me a video of her and a top actress in Egypt where she got the actress to say hi to me and my girlfriend.
I don't know how many of you are going to read this giant thing that I wrote, but I am thankful for the few of you who helped me out and helped me make my mind. I guess I have felt a lot better since then because I know that my mom loves me.

So this is a long one. Like, I'm going back over it and damn. This is longer than I thought it would be. Throwaway account, I've only made one other post to this relating to what's going on. Instead of updating the other post, I figured I'd make a separate one about the whole shit show I experienced, and the shit circus I uncovered and avoided. I'll try to keep this in as chronological an order as I can.
As the title says, my abusive/narc mom and pos/delusional/golden child brother started trying to reach out to me a few months ago wanting to make amends and build bridges with me again. There were a few people that commented on my previous post in another subreddit that may be a little disappointed in me for how I handled this, and a few that might enjoy that I handled it the way I did. Someone commented to not let them use my good nature. My nature is dependent on who I'm dealing with, and when it comes to that side of my family, I'm more stick than carrot. So their attempts did not go ignored, and did not go unpunished.
Growing up, I was always closer with my Dad than my mom. My brother was the epitome of "pampered mamma's boy". He started having seizures as a child and was diagnosed with epilepsy, which I thought was why my mom babied the absolute fuck out of him long into adulthood. He would go a year or 2 without any seizures, and then there would be a few months where he'd be having them every other day. At Anytime he got in trouble at home or school, my mom would find a way to blame me, for not making sure he knew whatever he was doing would get him in trouble, or she would blame my dad for not being "involved enough in their baby's life." My dad was in the Navy and I remember any time he'd deploy, I'd dread every day until he came back. My brother would taunt me that he knew whatever he did, I'd be the one to get in trouble for it. My dad would always make things up for me when he got back from his deployments though. We'd often have weekend trips just the 2 of us. And then around my 12th birthday, my mom insisted on sitting us all down and explain to that she and my dad were getting a divorce. We got the whole talk about how they still love us and they just can't be together anymore, etc. my dad told us both that he still loved us and he would be there for us whenever we needed him. He explained that he would be moving out, but he would be by to pick us up to spend the weekends with us. I was nervous and honestly scared of what it would be like without him. But I was looking forward to the weekend when I got to see him again. That never happened though, and that was the last time I ever got to see him.
Right before his weekend with us, my mom explained to us that my dad didn't want anything to do with us anymore. There was some news story about a father that killed his kids when he had custody of them and she used that to terrify my brother and convince him that our dad wanted to kill us to start his life over. We left damn near everything behind and moved in with my mom's brother in Florida (from Virginia) a couple days before my dad was supposed to come get us. After that, she went to great lengths to make sure we had no contact from him.
Years went on, my mom seemed more indifferent towards me than ever. She never seemed interested in anything I did unless my brother also seemed interested in it. She didn't show any interest in my wanting to learn guitar until my brother also showed interest in it. Then we got one guitar that we had to share, I'd take lessons on the condition that I taught my brother whatever I learned in them. My brother eventually wound up breaking the guitar and I was blamed for not storing it in the case it came with. I had to share my N64 with him whenever he wanted to play it. I was playing perfect dark one day and having a hard time killing the skedar leader at the end of the game. My brother burst into the room saying he wanted to play his MegaMan game, to which I just replied "give me a minute, this boss fight is hard, once I'm done you can have your turn" He didn't like that. He left the room and came back with a hammer and smashed the console while I was still playing. My fault for not letting him play it. The only thing I had that he could not use was a pair of roller blades my aunt got me for my 14th birthday. I specifically asked for roller blades to get around instead of a bike because my brother and I had different shoe sizes, so he couldn't wear them Because of constant shit like that, I never really put much value in having things growing up. I didnt want to buy something or get something as a gift just to have it fucked up in a few weeks or months. At some point, my "little" brother became the larger one, so my clothes all became "hand-me-ups" as he outgrew everything. So, because I didn't really have any distractions at home, I turned into a high achieving student, rarely got in trouble. made the honor roll all throughout school. But that wasn't something to celebrate as it was expected of me. I had long since decided that I was moving out as soon as I could once I turn 18. I got a job working at a Walgreens as soon as I could and started saving up for a car. My mom however took issue with this and would never agree to take me looking for one and absolutely refused to ever have it put on her insurance. This is where my Aunt comes in. She and her son are the only 2 on my mom's side that aren't some sort of degenerate. She had her son young, but put herself through college while raising him alone and eventually got her MBA and a cushy upper corporate job. She told me to tell my mom I had to go in to work on one of my days off, that she would pick me up and she would take me car shopping. So that's what we did. I couldn't quite afford a cash car, but she helped me with the financing. I put down what I had as the down payment, the arrangement she made with me was that 1- as long as I was in school, she would cover the insurance and payments for me, however, if I got into an accident, I was responsible for paying the deductable. And 2- as long as i was living with my mom, the car remained in her (Aunt's) name. And if anything happened to it, to let her know so she could get the appropriate authorities involved. My mom was PISSED when she found out I now had a car. Her reasoning (that she said in front of my aunt) was that she didn't think it was fair for one of us-either me or my brother- to have something the other couldn't use. Due to him being 13 and having epilepsy, he couldn't drive, so why should i have a car if my brother doesn't? That turned into a long shouting match between my mom and Aunt that basically ended with my aunt explaining that since it was her car, and all paperwork on her name, I was just on the insurance for it so I could drive it. But if anything at all happened to it while I was living at my Mom's, that the police and insurance companies would get involved. My mom still kept track of all the miles on the car to "make sure I was only going to work and school and wherever she told me I could go". Most of the time, when I hung out with friends, I wasn't the one driving. From that that point though, my mindset was very much "keep my head down and nose clean until I can leave." I graduated a month before my 18th birthday. After graduation, my mom and i got into an argument about me contributing to her bills. I eventually dropped the ball that I planned on getting back in touch with my Dad and leaving. She started laughing. Something about that laugh made me really uncomfortable. She then said "well, you can certainly meet up with him whenever you want! I'll supply the gun if you buy the bullet!" And told me my dad had died when I was 15. That. Fucking. Broke. Me. Later that night, i called my best friend and vented everything to him. He was in the DEP program for the Navy and would be shipping out in a few months, he told me to come by first thing in the morning and talk with him and his parents about the whole situation. I basically packed up all of my clothes and left the day after my 18th birthday. I just left my house key and a note that said "I'm not your problem anymore." I couch surfed for a little while until after my best friend left for boot camp, then I was able to move in and live with his parents (chosen parents basically). My only real rules were keep the house and my space clean and make sure I had a job and/or going to school. I spent a few months mourning my dad and kind of in a haze. Since he was in the Navy though, that meant I was reliable for financial aid for school. My second dad helped me get everything put together to start receiving that so I could start college.
Well, after a couple years of this, my brother, who had spent his time at school more as "forced socializing" instead of learning, was expelled from public schools for allegedly setting off a fire extinguisher in a classroom. He had to enroll at an alternative school called "the drop back-in academy" that was specifically for dropouts or anyone that got the boot from the public school system. My mom reached out to me and asked me if I would drive him to this school in the mornings, she'd pick him up in the afternoons, and she'd pay me $20 a week.I agreed to it thinking this was out of character for her, but she surprisingly held up to that agreement. I drove him for a couple years until I was ready to start my bachelor program. My second parents were getting ready to move back to their hometown and I was going to start school on the other side of the city. So, I was moving to that side of town and couldn't really drive out of my way to pick up and drop off my brother anymore. He continued his enrollment at this place for another 3 years (5 years total) and it turned out, he was never attending. I would drop his ass off there every day and he'd just walk home immediately after I pulled out of the parking lot. He'd just tell my mom that he finished his work early and decided to walk home instead of wait around for her. One afternoon, I'm coming home early from work and my brother is just sitting on the steps to my studio apartment. He tells me that he and our mom got into a really big argument and he needs a place to stay. I (reluctantly) let him in. I'm stuck thinking he must be really desperate if he's coming to me for help. But I start thinking at this point, he's 24, jobless, and probably needs to learn some self discipline and responsibility, and our mom just never did that for him. So I try to help. I ask him what their fight was about and he tells me that he started dating this girl at his alternative school. She was 21 and got the boot from the school system for being too old to attend (we actually have several relatives that were kicked out of the school system for the same reason) and that he accidentally got her pregnant and our mom did not take kindly to that. I called my landlord and explained the situation to him. He was okay with it, so I let him crash on my couch for a little bit (until the end of my lease, then I'd be moving) and just told him to clean up after himself, take care of himself, etc until we could all work this out. He crashed there for a few months and did Jack shit. He would complain that I didn't have a computer for him to use (I only had a laptop I bought for school) and I didn't have any video game consoles for him to entertain himself with. So he was stuck there bored all day. I got tired of the complaining and lack of effort and told him he had to go back to our mom's if he wasn't going to be an adult. We started shouting at each other until he dropped this little bombshell. He yelled "I can't go back to Mom's!" And when I asked why, he just blurted out "because it's to close to that elementary school!" That stopped the whole thing. "And why is that a big deal now?" I asked him. I already knew why that would be the problem, but 1% of me was holding onto the hope that he was got jumped by a gang of 5th graders and the trauma was too much for him to bear. I told him he could either tell me what's going on, or I could make a phone call and get every last detail I needed. He confessed that he had been leaving that school and going over to his "girlfriend's" house and waiting for her to get home. And that one day, her mom ended up catching them in the act. I explained to him that he was leaving out important details if that was the reason he couldn't be near a school.
He told me she was 14, not 21. I. Lost. My. Shit. Everything after that is kinda fuzzy, but he was arrested, mom posted bail, and since she lived right around the corner from an elementary school, he couldn't stay there. So they told his parole officer that he'd be staying at my address until his court date.. his PO had swung by a couple times, but I was always either at work or school or out somewhere. At this point, I told him the lease was up in 6 weeks, I couldn't stand to be around him. I packed my stuff early, moved out into a storage unit, and I stayed at an extended stay hotel until it was time for me to move. Called my landlord and told him what was going on, and if my brother was still there the last week of the lease, nail him for trespassing. My landlord was a good guy. I never had any problems with him. I paid up the last 6 weeks and threw him since extra cash for his troubles as I knew I wouldn't be getting my deposit back. That was the last time I saw my brother. After I moved out of state, I cut all contact with everyone in that family except my Aunt who was the only one that ever helped me out or even had my back. But even then, it was just through email. We'd mainly email birthday and holiday wishes to each other. Updates from my side on how life and career are going.
I never had a myspace or a Facebook growing up. I either never had a computer to check it on, or I was just so accustomed to not having any online distractions that I just never got around to making one. I did finally make a Facebook and I did get in touch with my dad's side of the family and reconnected with them. I hadn't seem most of them since I was 4 or 5. Some of them had been in contact with my brother (he fucking knew our dad died) and was spinning some sort of web about how he graduated high school early, had gone to college for pre-med and then got some sort of full ride scholarship to some prestigious medical school in Florida. He told them I wasn't on social media because I had been arrested for selling drugs and that he was taking me in after I got released. He was also using my senior portrait as a profile pic. They were surprised when they saw me and how I "looked just like my brother!" I had set the record straight. They looked dumbfounded when I told them that he couldn't get himself out of the 9th grade in 10 years, and now would likely never complete his high school journey due to the fact he can't be within 100 yards of a school.
So, fast forward to last week. I checked my email for the first time since late January (for my aunt's birthday) and noticed a few from her saying my mom wanted to reach out, then several emails from a new address. It was my mom's first initial and last name. Subject lines usually read "please respond" and "let me know you're okay" and stuff like that. I'd copy some of them over, but holy shit this is already a novella. Basically she got my email address from sneaking my aunt's phone (aunt did not sell me out). She's trying to apologize for how she treated me growing up and trying to excuse it by saying I reminded her of my dad and then she was going through menopause and just any excuse to dishes full accountability it seems. She acknowledges that it was wrong to hold me accountable for my brother's fuck-ups but dismisses that by saying he didn't know any better and she needed me to be a good role model for him. Things have been hard for her since I left, since she "had" to take my brother back in (I would've left him on the street or in jail), she had to sell her house (she was only 10 years into her mortgage) and buy another smaller one further from a school for him. He never did get a hs diploma or GED because how can he? And she's been going through breast cancer treatment for the last several months and just doesn't have the energy to take care of her 33yo baby anymore. She asked me if I lived close enough to them to take him in for a little bit while she focuses on her health. I left Florida 8 years ago and haven't even lived in the same time zone in 6 years. She can only check her email at work since she no longer has Internet at home. She had to cancel her home Internet service because of him. So, I decided to just put my brother's name into a search bar and the first thing that pops up is a FDLE sex offender's page. And holy shit has he gone downhill. He had a second arrest when he was 27 for the same thing, and then was caught in communications with another girl (like Chris Hansen sting) and was released from prison at the beginning of the year. And the mugshot.... You know the pale lady from the scary stories to tell in the dark movie? Think that, but with a patchy beard. Beady eyes, bad skin and all. According to the sheriff's office inmate search, he's been arrested 5 times in the last 10 years. Twice for lewd and lascivious battery of a minor (aged 12-15), once for solicitation of a minor, and twice for probation violations.
The TL/DR: abusive mom took all her frustrations out on me, blamed me for everything my brother did, hid my father's death from me until I was almost 18, and reaches out after 8 years of no contact and wants me to take care of her pedophile son while she's in poor health.
I'm attaching my response to her below.
Hi. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm also not okay with you contacting me, especially under the circumstances that you violated the privacy of your own sister to get my contact information. I have read your apologies and excuses and I do not accept either. You say I reminded you of Dad? He spent more time with me and showed more interest in my well-being than you ever did, and that's including the 6 years he was absent from my life by your own selfish design. Menopause? I find that hard to believe as this went on for the better part of half a decade and not once in that time did your attitude towards brother change. You always treated him with the same coddling infantile obsession and patience that one would show a toddler. It was and is clear that you have a preferred child as that adult-sized pile of shit is still living comfortably with dear old mama. I'm guessing no one else is willing to take him in? Are Uncle and Cousins afraid of him doing something to their daughters or grandchildren? I do believe you when you say you want to rebuild the bridge that you nuked from orbit years ago, but I can't believe it's not for your own selfish desires. And I can't find any reason or way my quality of life could be improved with your presence. The reality is, my life has been far better without you than it could be with you. I've never said this to anyone, but if there is a sense of karma and balance in the universe, your current situation is proof of that. The next time I see your name on my computer screen, had better be for your obituary. But since you and the monster you raised both decided to keep Dad's death a secret from me, and remove any choice I had to mourn or pay my respects, I'll return that kindness to you.
Please die away from me.

Today, I had history. My teacher (female) was checking off an assignment that was meant to be complete over the weekend or Friday. I did not complete this assignment because I was picked up before lunch ended and was taken on a family trip to a desert resort with a golf range on Friday. This trip would last until Sunday and I obviously did not bring school supplies/hard items required for completing assignments with me for a trip. The reason for this trip was my Father‘s birthday and Mother‘s day, as EVERYONE knows. Yesterday, I was attending an end-of-the-year concert for my school band which lasted from around 4:30 to 7 pm. I had little to no time to complete my assignment. So today, in history, my teacher asks me if I had completed the assignment. I say I wasn’t able to. She says I was. I say I wasn‘t able to. She says I was again. I tell her how I went on a trip and how it was two important holidays and how it would be rude to work instead of spending time with my family. She straight up FUCKING SHAMES ME for using my dad‘s birthday as an „EXCUSE“ to not work. I am so tempted to whisper „fuck you“, but her attention was on me, so she would have definitely noticed. I feel like telling my dad about this predicament, but I feel more comfortable telling strangers online about it since the chances of it spreading are 1 in multi-billions. Thanks for listening.

Hey x
Got home not long ago and just got into bed.
How comes you stopped taking the prescription? Is it because you’re in taking a lot of other stuff at the moment already? Hopefully the lay down does you good.
Did a quick shop after work then just sat in the car park eating cold fried rice and a few bites of a plum. Still didn’t really have an appetite but did feel like I needed to eat. Thank you again. If you pack lunches anything close to that for missys packed lunch at school then other kids are going to be envious for sure! I really appreciate it. As well as jumping out of the house as soon as it happened. Superman ain’t got nothing on you for sure.
Whilst I was in my own thoughts eating in the car, someone came and knocked on my window and asked if I could help jump start their car. Which I did. Just had a thought that this is the first time that excuse has come true lol.
When we do look back on all this, there are certainly stories to be told. Unfortunately, a lot of them car related! Maybe if I had just let you drive me home all them years ago, it would have shaken off this car damage curse!
If you’ve fallen asleep already, hope you have a good night. Will be up around 8 in time for the guy to do what he needs to do so will keep you updated in the morning x

the school is hosting an event that i am not allowed to attend due to absences and tardies from medication changes. i sent in an official doctors note and they still refuse to change anything. i'm so furious to the point where i called into the attendance office and left a voicemail of me cursing out the school, saying they don't care about the mentally ill no matter how hard they pretend. i said the f word around three times. how in trouble am i?

Thought I'd make some closing thoughts on the CS experience at this school for future/current students.

1. Figure out what the goal of college is for you - to get a job, to get into academia, to strengthen your knowledge in CS, to go out to bars and make lots of friends, or a combination of all/some of these. This will save you lots of time when making decisions. Should you work all night to bump that MP from 85 to a 95, or would you rather go to happies with your friends. Would you sacrifice your grades to make new friends and gain leadership experience in RSOs. If you know your goal, it is relatively simple to make these decisions.
2. You don't need to know exactly what you want to do within CS, but do not let that be an excuse to do nothing. Don't know if you want to do machine learning, cybersecurity, backend, ui/ux, frontend, product management, or leadership? Doesn't matter. Choose something, and dive deep into it. If you like it, great! If not, move on to the next thing.
3. Being kind gets you further than being smart. I'm not saying being technically competent isn't important -- it is. but, DO NOT BURN BRIDGES. TALK TO EVERYONE. BE KIND TO EVERYONE. This is especially valuable for freshman. I'm not telling you to be the most outgoing person or spend all your time trying to make random friends just for the sake of it. But when you run into people you met once, say hi! This is very dependent on the type of person you are, and why you are even in college, but in general I notice that people who are just kind and get along with everyone tend to do better in life lol.
4. If you want to go into further education, do research. or, have connections with some faculty/professors. You cannot get into most masters program without some academic letters of rec, so be a face that some professors know. I graduated with a very high gpa, but didn't apply to a single masters program because I had no connections in the university.
5. Almost everyone around you is cheating. It is pretty wild how UIUC is ranked so highly with a HUGE proportion of students cheating in classes like Data Structures and Systems Prog. Again, if you know your goal is to just explore computer science topics and expand your knowledge, this wouldn't bother you. However, if your goal in college is to land a high paying job or get into higher education, it will definitely bother you that others are taking easy routes to potentially take your job/college spot. My best advice is to either ignore the issue or join them. Complaining tends to do nothing. I'm sure professors know and don't care, either because they are lazy, or because if you cheat in college you are usually just cheating yourself out of an education.
6. College isn't designed to be a pipeline to a job. I found myself many times wondering why I'm spending all this time on a course/topics that I won't need in Software Engineering. However, the curriculum is designed to give you a wide breathe of computer science topics, not software engineering topics.
7. Go out more. Make deep, real connections with people as well as some not-so-deep friendships. Make mistakes, make dumb decisions. Messing up now is way better than messing up in the real world.

Hi I'm wondering has anyone ever had any actual satisfaction from a primary school in regards to bullying??Its a mainstream school not a unit..I have a child with multiple intellectual difficulties who has been beaten punched and mocked on multiple occasions by the same group of kids in the class for over 2 years,teachers stand there and speak and eventually after the damage is done and its to late they try and "intervene".My child has been left black and blue and has been made to apologise to her tormenters twice like shes done something wrong,but there untouched and just simply told to stop..The bullying is non stop both physical and verbal and is just wiped under the rug and were told well monitor it and we will keep an eye.If you have ever been in a similar situation and think you can give any advise,I'm all ears.Weve contacted guards and tusla..we've requested board of management meetings on multiple occasions.At this stage we both think the school is trying to keep its "reputation" rather than address the actual problem itself.The school has a stay safe policy and an antibullying policy but im genuinely thinking that this policy is only for show or for them to use when it suits them.My child is defenseless when it comes to these kids it's 3 on 1 and to be honest she's sick of it herself. Needless to say I have one very traumatised child here tonight sleeping along side me .Please comment if you have any further advice in regards to this issue.Am I allowed to name and shame them ??I have a paper trail of everything including pictures and videos from the first incident when we were "pawned" off with excuses, up until today when her father had to carry her home in his arms as other parents looked on.Any advised is very much appreciated.Tia

I grew up in a very homophobic country where the mere thought of being gay was inconceivable—girls were expected to grow up and marry men. When I was 21, I moved to the US. Even before I could shed my ingrained homophobic views, I started dating a man, eventually marrying him. We had two kids, but by the time I was 35, he left me. I think one of the main issues was our sexual relationship; I never enjoyed being intimate with him, especially not in the past ten years, and I used every excuse to avoid it, even sleeping separately. I had convinced myself I was asexual. So he found someone else, since I know how sexually unsatisfied he was.
The first three months after he blindsided me were filled with pain from the betrayal, anger, and worries. But this week, my friend asked me a seemingly innocent question: "Hey, now that it’s been three months, do you find yourself looking at guys and thinking—this one is cute?" That question made me realize I had been finding people cute, but they were all women. First, there's this mom at my kids' school—just seeing her makes me feel happy and safe. Second, I remember looking at a woman in the car next to me at a stoplight and thinking, "I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is." Third, I often find myself thinking about boobs; I’m curious about them and enjoy looking at them. I haven’t felt even a twinge of attraction to a man in these past three months, but I wonder if that's just due to the trauma of being hurt by a guy...
I’m very confused and unsure how to resolve these feelings. My preteen child so effortlessly knows they are attracted to both boys and girls, yet here I am at 35, still uncertain. I’ve always found women more attractive than men, but I assumed that was universal. Maybe it’s because one gender is inherently more attractive? I love reading Alison Bechdel and looking at pictures of naked women. Though I’ve had crushes on men, I’ve never allowed myself to acknowledge a crush on a woman. I’ve never liked the idea of being intimate with a man, and I detest the thought of male anatomy, perhaps due to being sexually assaulted by a man when I was a child.
I find safety in thinking I’m asexual—it allows me to focus on my job, my kids, and my friends without exploring sexuality, which frightens me. But am I denying my true self? I often feel like an imposter.
I would welcome any tips or thoughts. As a keen reader, are there books you could recommend? If I decide to explore dating women, how would I even begin to meet someone?

Excuses for "met" a stranger
Hi everyone, I'm 16 years old and there's a girl a little younger than me that I always see in the morning on her way to school, I'll start by saying that the title is a bit fake, I don't even know how to explain it but I like interacting with girls, what I'm looking for is neither a relationship or anything like that, but simply an interaction. The sense? I don't even know, but I'd like to interact, it seems a bit maniacal, but in truth I suffer from incredible social anxiety especially with people of my age, I think it's precisely because of this that I developed this thing of interacting. Even talking to her dealing with her for 1 minute or even less is enough for me, it would make me feel incredibly satisfied. (Don't ask any questions) But how can I do it? I thinked about dropping some coins (Money) so maybe she helps me pick them up and let's say a few words. Please help me, school will be over soon and I will most likely never see her again.
(Im sorry for some gramar error im from italy.)

I just genuinely failed a class and I'm freaking out about how I'm going to tell my parents.
I take college classes as a Junior, and at first, I was just taking the bare minimum to meet graduation requirements, which was a manageable course load for me. This semester my mental health totally just did a complete 180 and after a year of getting over an absolutely massive depressive episode, I'm literally back where I started. (Which is bad.)
I can really only get myself out of bed to shower every day, let alone find the motivation to actually try in school. Even my high school grades are on a steady decline. I went from having all As and a 3.9 first semester to Bs and Cs this semester.
I was wise enough to withdraw from the english and marketing courses I was taking at a local community college, but not enough to drop the government course I was taking. It was a fairly easy online course that I genuinely found very useful and interesting. Plus, there was only an assignment a day, so I assumed I could handle it.
I fell behind one week and just never picked it up again, and as much as I tried, I couldn't finish all the remaining course work in time to get an A. I missed an entire unit, resulting in a F. (Which I acknowledge is totally my fault.)
I honestly have no idea how to tell my parents. I didn't even tell them I withdrew from the english course I was taking, just the marketing one. My weighted GPA is currently a 3.5 because of the shitty Bs I got in my college courses first semester. My parents already have high expectations for me for academics, not to mention they're really the only thing I have going for me when it comes to applying to college, and even then—they're pretty average.
This entire situation is my fault and it's something I can't just get out of. The F is going to be on my record, it's going to tank my GPA even further, and I'm .5 credits behind. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't even have the energy to conjure up an excuse as to why I failed other than "I was sad," which my parents will not appreciate.
I really need some advice as to how I should bring this up with my parents. Do I just be honest? (Probably.) Should I even bother to mention the stupid depressive rut I'm in right now? I'm clueless and stressed about this.
tl;dr: i failed a class for the first time, it's a college course, i am now .5 credits behind, and i have no idea how to tell my parents i failed (and explain why) without them freaking out on me.
(I hope this is coherent ? lol. I'm on mobile and it's weirdly laggy. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors 😖🙏 I also had no idea what to flair this under so I apologize for that too haha.)

My first season of track ended, and I was not committed at all. I did not try at practices, and didn't work on anything at home. I ended the season with a 27.5 200m at 15y/o 5'11 173lbs and ~22% bf. I've been pretty unatletic and unfit all my life and I pretty much used that as an excuse for being slow.
Our season ended and I guess I've just been reflecting. I want to genuinely try and get faster over the summer. Unfortunately I'm pretty busy with finals and other projects till the end of the school year, but I'm trying to work on an off-season plan.
From my knowledge, my coach is really old school. Most of his practice consists of high volume workouts such as 3x250 100%, 200-200-400-500-400-200, etc. These were 6 days a week. Again, I wasn't the most consistent person at showing up to practices, half because I'm lazy and half because of shin splints, so that's the general idea of practices from my knowledge.
I've been doing research on the FAQ and other places, to try and develop my own plan. One that I would stick to because of my friends motivating, but also one that genuinely makes sense to do. I know a more than average amount of sprinting workouts for speed, but the main thing I'm having trouble with is the programming layout. If someone, or some resource was able to tell me: how many times should I sprint and lift a week, and in the 12 weeks of off-season sprinting, what should the workouts look like.
My un-realistic but possible goals are to run a sub 26 sec 200m and a sub 13 sec 100m by the end of summer. Hopefully under, but I have not much clue about how progression works.
TLDR: It would be helpful if someone structured the sprinting portion of the 12 week off-season sprint plan. If someone told me what type of speed training for each day of the week, I could most likely find a good workout for each day.
ex. Mon. - Accel Tue. - Rest Wed - Max V Thur. - Rest etc.

TW: SA
For some context, I 22 (F) have a sister 21 (F). Ever since we were 15 and 16, she has had these crippling migraines. She has been to over 18 different specialist all around the country trying to figure out what is wrong with her, and they have found absolutely nothing wrong with her. Over the years she uses her migraines as an excuse to get out of anything she doesn't want to do, for example church, school, family events. But her migraines miraculously disappear as soon as something she does want to do comes up. Personally, I suffer with migraines as well our difference is mine was diagnosed from the TMJ that I now have from dislocating my jaw when I was 12. She loves to use her migraines as a way to either get out of something she doesn't want to do or uses it to garner sympathy from friends' family and strangers.
In 2019 she used her migraines as an excuse to not go to school at all and used them to get a doctor's note stating that even though she cannot attend school she should still graduate. 2020 rolls around and we can no longer go to school because of Covid and miraculously she has no migraines and goes out day and night to hang out with friends. Then when she goes off to college all of a sudden, these migraines come back coupled with severe dehydration to the point where she has to be hospitalized on multiple occasions, except these migraines only occur Friday Saturday and Sunday mornings after her sorority throws a party.
Summer of 2021, she gets the opportunity to participate in a college work program in Florida for the whole 3 months of summer. She goes and after only 3 weeks of being there her migraines get so bad that she has to come home. It is important to note that she comes home the day before Father's Day. Father's Day comes and we all go to church and out to lunch and have a great time. That night however my parents come to my room to ask me if I have spoken with my sister this evening and I tell them no. They proceed to tell me that my sister has runaway to Virginia (we live in Oklahoma) to live with her Boyfriend 26 (M) and that she has sent them a video to explain why.
This video states that she is leaving and never coming back because she has been assaulted on multiple occasions by multiple men in her life and that it is too traumatic to even be in the state so Shes leaving. She then follows with telling my parents that they are horrible people who have never loved or cared about her and that they are the reason this is all happening. She also sent similar videos to her friends as well. This video absolutely crushed my parents, it was the first time I ever saw my dad cry.
We grew up in a strange family, my parents couldn't have children of their own so they adopted us. But our biological families are all still very much in our lives. Our parents are the most amazing and caring people in the world and would give life and limb to anyone in need. So, to hear her saying these things about my parents not only hurt them but it also hurt me to see her putting them through all that.
She was only gone for a month because eventually my father flew out to her to get her and bring her home. Now I am someone who has to know everything, I cant leave a topic untouched, I always have to investigate and get every side of the story. But in that month, I ended up uncovering a few things about the stories she told in those videos she sent to my parents and her friends. In that time, I uncovered that the stories of abuse that she was speaking about were of previous boyfriends that she had had. Every single boyfriend had a story of abuse, and these stories had credible witnesses attached to each and every story. While combing through all of this information I come to the educated conclusion that they are false and told only in a specific way to frame her as the victim using a way that no one would dare call her a liar because who would blame the victim?
When she came back it was really hard on everyone because we had all been heavily affected by this experience that she has put us all through, but she just acted like it never happened and continued to act like she deserved everything. But anytime anyone would mention anything about what happened she would absolutely freak out scream and curse and throw a massive tantrum and storm off and slam her door. In this time, I have personally decided that I will just act like she doesn't exist, I won't speak to her or acknowledge her.
Fast forward to now January 2024, she has convinced my parents that the best thing for her is moving to Florida to go to school because in her words "it is the one place I don't get migraines". I pointed out to my parents that the last time she lived in Florida she only lasted 3 weeks before claiming migraine. Apparently, she only lasted a month at the school before dropping all of her classes and just living it up in her apartment that my parents pay for. And she only informed my parents over spring break that she dropped out because her migraines were too bad. She is now home and living with my parents again and continues to spread her stories of assault and abuse as well as her stories of migraines to literally anyone that will listen.
I'd like to add that throughout all of these years she never fails to make sure I am the one that somehow suffers through it all. Throughout her Migraines I was the one that had to take care of her, I was the one that got in trouble when she screwed up, I was the one that had to pay for all of her mistakes. After years and years of watching her lies not only hurt me and my family but also slowly chip away at what used to be a happy and close nit family I don't think I can live with it any longer. My mother continues to stand by her side and call me a liar anytime I call my sister out on her lies, and my relationship with my mom has suffered for it. My father knows my sister is lying but fears speaking up because it might anger my mom. This whole experience has divided our family.
Another thing of note is that I value honesty over everything else, I will call anyone and everyone out on their bull. This last weekend we were at a graduation party and sitting there and listening to her speak and talking about all of this to literal strangers and because we were in public I had to physically literally bite my tongue to keep myself from speaking which resulted in me actually biting off a piece of my tongue. I honestly have come to the end of my rope of patience and I don't want her in my life anymore. So am I the asshole?

It's been a long time since I last used Reddit, but this has been on my mind lately and I wanted to know what other people think about this since It's a really sensitive topic for me and I just can't stop thinking about it.
I (16M) have my best friend (19F) who broke up with her boyfriend (17M) some months ago, I'll call her Lucy, and her ex, Jack.
A lot of things happened for them to break up, I'll try to keep it short.
First of all, Jack and I met when I was 12 through an Instagram group since we both liked art and that stuff. Lucy was already my friend by some months by that time, and we both hated Jack. He was extremely racist, homophobic, transphobic, everything. There was not a single good thing about this man. He used to sexualize me for being a trans guy, commenting gross things on my posts whenever it had my face, and much more.
And for some reason, Lucy and him ended up dating. I don't know how. But I accepted it since she was my best friend and thought "well if she's happy then I'll just keep up with it".
At the same time, I was in a relationship with a guy (16M), through the internet. I'll keep it short, he sexually abused me, deteriorated my mental health, cheated on me 3 times, and this is just the beginning.
Lucy and Jack knew about this, but Lucy couldn't help me because I was 12, whenever she would've talked to me about his toxic behavior I'd just brush it off because I "loved him" and he was just confused or whatever excuse I'd find to keep him as the good guy.
And including Jack wouldn't let me and Lucy talk a lot since he would get "jealous" saying that he "wanted to be my best friend" and not her. He would check her chats and see our conversation and TEXT THROUGH THEM to try and talk to me when I wouldn't answer him.
Time passed by and I got off that relationship when I was 14, met someone else at that time and started dating them. But it was kind of toxic too, we broke up once because I couldn't communicate properly, then he came back and asked me to try again, he broke up again with me because "distance wasn't his thing". So I let him go.
He made a lot of gross comments about my at the time boyfriend, and kept sexualizing me and trying to make my boyfriend leave me just because "he was there first."
I had it and blocked him, I spent months having to deal with his non stopping messages about how sorry he was through Lucy, since she was kinda by his side.
Well, some months ago he broke up with her because, in his words, he couldn't handle being with her because he still missed me a lot and the fact she was my best friend made him feel miserable.
Oh well.
Time passed by and some weeks ago Lucy told me she found something I might wanna see, when I checked her messages she had sent me screenshots of her ex talking shit about me in a DISCORD SERVER. I guess he was having another conversation when he said this because things before don't make sense, so I'll quote exactly what he said to like a hundred of people in that server about me:
" Oh yeah, I had a friend who fell in love with a 17 year old chilean guy when she was 14. I mean, 14 when she started dating him. But I guess they actually started having something when she was 13."
The others changed topics, and he kept on talking, but now about my newest ex.
" Because she was a dumbass blinded by love and she forgave him 3 times. She doesn't knows how to live without someone's love. "
Again changed topics, and he talked again.
" And she had the audacity to stop talking to me just because of her boyfriend. Just because he was from the USA and German. Just because she's a gold digger, to get a better future and blah blah blah."
" But then I'm the bad guy, he breaks up with her because he got bored and when I do something slightly bad I'm blocked from fucking everywhere, and the fucking stupid bitch forgives him and not me."
"So she's just a bitch with no self-love."
First of all, I wasn't 14, I was 13 when that guy was 17, and started "dating" when I was 12.
Second of all, he changed the whole story to keep as the "cool nice guy" in front of his friends. And not only that, he used female pronouns on me knowing I've been a trans guy since I was 9. There's no excuse to call me "she" when he knew from the moment he met me.
It's humiliating to know he told everyone about it, and I got an Instagram notification about him taking screenshots of old NSFW drawings I did of me and my groomer when I was 13, and showed to him because I didn't know who else to tell since Lucy wouldn't talk to me because of him.
I feel gross and I honestly don't know what to do. He texted all those things on December 2023, and it's been months since then but I don't know if I should do something. I feel like letting go is the best option but I can't stop thinking about how he's just spreading the SA I went through to everyone and I'm just here, suffering the consequences of it. Since when I was 14 I went through the same at school because of my cousin who looked through my phone and found erotic pictures of me and conversations I used to have with my groomer and told everyone the next day. I was harassed for months.
Anything that I could do? I'm confused and at the same time so mad, but sad.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was long, I needed to get a lot of things out.