I (15M) live with my mum (46F) dad (45M) and sister (13F). My sister has ADD and has medication for it but never takes it for some reason, and my mum has bipolar disorder which she takes medication for and some sort of disorder where her hormones are through the roof during her periods much more than the average person, I don’t know what the disorder is called specifically.
Every single day, my sister drives me crazy. She does things that are so malicious, but so sneaky, it drives me insane. Everything she does, it’s so little by itself but it builds up so much that you can’t help but go insane, and she uses to say in arguments that ‘its just a little thing why are you so worked up?’ and she knows what to do and say to get on my nerves every single time. She does things that are so horrible, that she made my dad, who is the strongest, happiest and cheerful man I know, cry in the living room because of her actions. She routinely drives me, my mum and my dad fucking insane.
My mum is usually a great mother, the perfect mother even. But once every month, she turns into a crazy woman no one can control. Her actions are random and us as a family, especially my dad, have gotten so used to her actions that we have routines to avoid her rage. I know she can’t control her bipolarness, but her days of just being the worst person in my life drive me insane. Everytime she has these psychotic episodes, afterwards she overcompensates by giving showers of affection and love, buying me whatever I want and much more. After that, she starts guilt tripping, acting like nothing happened and guilt tripping again until I forgive her. It’s so emotionally and physically draining, I don’t know what to do.
Today, her and my sister went out for shopping, but even before then, tensions boiled. She wantes to buy me new school clothes since I had lost significant weight and my old clothes were too big for me now. She insisted on going to a place around 8 kilometers away from where we lived, when there’s a shop 10 minutes away by bus that sold school clothes because “she needed to buy my sister some things too.” I had just come back from the gym, so I said I would go to the shop close to us tomorrow, and she could go with my sister without me. I could tell she was mad at me, but didn’t say much about it then. My sister was doing her usual thing like spending 40 minutes in the toilet doing God knows what and taking hours to get out of the house, so my mum got angrier by the second. When she returned a few hours later, she instantly shouted at my sister for “closing the door too loudly” and told me to try out the school clothes she got me, even though I told her I would by them myself tomorrow, and that she shouldn’t buy them yet. I was in the middle of something I was doing, so I said not now, I will try them on in 10 mins, but just like usual, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried the clothes on, and like I expected, she got them the completely wrong size. The trousers were way too tight, barely fit and looked like skinny jeans. I told her that I should have just bought them tomorrow and that I told her she shouldn’t have bought them and that I’ll return them tomorrow too. After I said those things, she went completely ballistic on me, calling me all sorts and basically dehumanising me. This wasn’t the first time I had heard this, but when my dad started calling and asking what happened, something snapped in me. My dad is on business in my home country Turkey, which he goes to for his job around once every 2 months, and every time my mum has a fight with one of me and my sister, she always calls him to solve the situation. When I realise she warped the story to make herself look better, I went on a massive hour long rant on the call to my dad about how much I have been enduring about the little things my mum and sister does that gets on my nerves ever second of every day and how they both never listen to anything I say, and how I had to bottle in all of what I’ve been feeling for so long, and how my dad is the only one who actually understands me and what I’m going through and how my mum never takes no for an answer no matter how many times I tell her and many more things that I won’t say because of the length of this post already. This is the first time I’ve ever been on a shouting anger filled rage like this, which shocked my parents, especially my dad because I had always stayed calm during arguments because I bottled in what I was actualy thinking all the time. He just told me I needed to be calm and that thats what he does when things are as bad as this. Honestly I admire that man so much, I don’t know how he dealt with my mum and continues to deal with her for nearly 30 years now.
A few hours after the phone call, my mum came into my room and basically said that she’s my mother and that I had to talk with her, since I hadn’t talked with her since the fight and she had continued like nothing happened. I understand she has mental conditions, and thats why I’ve bared with her for so long, but I can’t deal with her anymore. My dad doesn’t come back for another week or so, so I don’t know what to do. My sister of course sided with my mum just to piss me off, and the only person on my side, that actually understands me, is thousands of miles away. I usually just play games like FM or EAFC, or listen to music or go to the gym to ease my mind but none of those are working right now.
I’ve been holding in my anger for so long and I don’t know what to do with my sister and mum’s bullshit anymore. What do I do?

I am 28F, 5'7 and currently fluctuating around 130-140 lbs. Goal weight is 120 lbs.
My primary exercise is jogging in place for the last few years (I wanted to start a routine that would be very easy for me to do at home every day with no special equipment or commuting to the gym. I always struggled to stick to exercise routines in the past because I would get bored and it was a chore, so I tricked myself into loving my jogging by jogging in place while watching TV).
I aim for about 100 minutes total of jogging in place per day (usually I split it up and do say, 30 min jog in the morning) and several more 20-30 min jogs throughout the day). I also ice skate (I am learning/training to play Ice hockey so I got ice skating to practice, usually for about an hour 2-5 times per week)
I eat semi-low carb. Not full Keto, but I don't eat bread, rice, or pasta. I eat some small amounts of healthier carbs (like root veggies), and I couldn't completely give up sweets, so the limited carbs I do eat are usually small portions of dessert or dark chocolate.
I count my calories (and I know we are often inaccurate in how we guesstimate calories so I always try to over-estimate). Usually I eat on average between 1200-1600 calories per day, and my exercise is my jogging.
I track alories burned with a fitness app, and for the last few years, I feel like there has to be something wrong with my body.
Based on my fitness apps and my own calorie calculations, ALMOST every day, I'm eating at least 500+ calories LESS than I should be burning, based on my TDEE (which was around 1500 last time I checked) PLUS my daily exercise. I struggled with my weight and eating disorders for a long time, but a few years ago finally kind of found a balance and have been around this weight ever since.
I want to be healthy and I've gotten to a point where my ED mindset and some of the behaviors are still there, but I am NOT actively starving myself or doing anything else I shouldn't be.
And it's a real struggle because I feel like whenever I eat even a little more than I usually do, my body is VERY quick to gain weight, yet I can’t seem to get to 120 no matter what I do.
I feel like something HAS to be wrong, because with my diet and exercise, I should be thinner, and I WANT to fully recover from my eating disorder and I know my current eating habits are not healthy but whenever I change them I start gaining weight immediately and I’m SO afraid of getting fat if I try to eat more normally, yet I don’t want to starve myself again and risk really backsliding into ED territory.
What could be wrong? Are there any medical conditions it could be? What am I doing wrong?
TL;DR - I am 28F, 5'7, my weight fluctuates between 130-140. GW is 120
I eat on average 1200-1600 calories per day and have a limited variety of 'safe' foods, and jog in place for 60-100 minutes EVERY day, and my fitness apps tell me that I usually burn 600-1000+ calories MORE than I'm eating each day, yet I still can't lose any weight. I previously suffered from an eating disorder, and this is REALLY hindering my recovery because I want to have healthier more normalized eating behaviors but every time I eat more 'regular' meals or more than usual I start gaining weight immediately, yet can't seem to stay under 130 for very long even though I should be in a calorie deficit every day and I know my diet is disordered but I can't eat 'normally' or else I gain weight and I don't want to gain weight.

I (30M) grew up with a mother who has bipolar disorder. She left my father when I was a baby, I've never seen him even in pictures. She then got together with a man who raised me and together they had my halfbrother. She then left him for another man and my then-stepfather took my brother away and I haven't seen him in more than 10 years. She then got obsessed with money, alcohol, and "success". She moved to Europe with her new lover and I live alone since I was 17. To make things up she paid for my college abroad. I majored in music. It's always been my passion. I came back home after getting my degree and been working as a professor and composer (not much money involved). After breaking up a 10 year relationship due to cheating on her side, I moved to my mother's apartment while she was in Europe (thought she couldn't do much harm from another continent). These couple of years I've been putting my life together again, met my recent gf who is awesome and worked on my music, research, and teaching. My mother came to visit this January and she's worse than ever. Drunk all day, arrogant, has told me horrible things to make me feel like shit. She even once got drunk and threatened me to call the cops on my for sexual aggression against her. I was able to see how manipulative she was and left her apartment two months ago. I'm staying with friends and my gf. Got no money to move to another place and there aren't any jobs around for my field (looking on other fields, whatever works). I don't know how things got this messy this fast. My mother is now alone, she's lost control. I don't care for her anymore I just want to put the pieces together and move on. My whole life has been so unstable. I hope I can move past all this and build my own future.

It's been a while since I've posted. Things got better the past month, with the fruits of mindfulness.
I want to share with the community my personal anecdote, with what was key for me and how the seemingly inert practice on those worksheets that psychs gave me has benefit.
The first key insight is that who I am is not a paragraph that I can write to you. It is not a story. It is not a roleplay. It is not my memories. It is not any idea of what characteristics I do or don't have.
This is because, those are thoughts. Who I am is not so fake and transient as thoughts. Thoughts are basically like farts and should be treated as such.
The second insight is that mindfulness is a safe space. Let's look at the status quo and then look at how mindfulness changes it.
Imagine a dungeon cell. In there there's you, and in a dark corner, you can vaguely sense a child. And the sad reality is that you abuse that child. It's existence is so abhorrent to you that you demand it stay silent and in the darkness, and you don't care how it feels. If it makes any noise you cause it more pain.
That dark imagery is fitting for how I was treating myself and am still conditioned to treat myself. It's shame. Deep shame is at the core of this.
Mindfulness, changing this status quo, says "hey, I see you in there, and I'm here for you if you want to show yourself. I'll help you and take care of you because I want you to feel at ease." This is the re-parenting therapists mention sometimes.
So I sit and watch for how I feel in my body and I try to embrace it like that. This is instead of self-abuse. And I've been able to connect with this disconnected part, and how it shows up in my body and mind.
So "who am I?" does not have an answer that can be written. But it does have an answer.
I speculate that the disorder of self in BPD and CPTSD is basically a conditioning to deeply shame the true self that's in that dark corner, and to look out of those iron bars at the passers by and try to become a child to them and be what they want, instead of being an adult to the child inside.
To put it concretely, take a look at polyvagal theory. Conceive of states of hyperarousal and hypoarousal as the pain of that inner child. And know that I was able to remediate this by being mindful without hate but with compassion.
The mindfulness is not "I'm look at you so that you can shut up and get back in the corner and leave me alone."
The mindfulness is "I'm really here for you. I have space for you. I'll never leave you, we're together forever."
Somatically, it caused me to relax like I had never relaxed before.
Hope that made some sense to someone. It's a personal anecdote, not advice.
Hope everyone is well and happy and at ease. Take care of yourselves.

Here is a passive study of us from posts we have made. I certainly didn't post this to frustrate anyone as we certainly have way more than our share of that. I posted it so that you can see a write up of a study of the rhetoric used by people talking about these crimes on the internet. It also gives a few outsiders, that have shown enough interest to complete this work about us, opinions about what is happening.
I posted this so we can see their thoughts and opinions, look at a little analysis of the language we use when posting about our experiences, see some of the false delusion outsiders have, consider the delusions they feel we may have and as piece that can be included when determining the current state of things and how we can progress to having this all finally end.
Thoughts on the paper?

Linguistic Analysis of Online Communication About a Novel Persecutory Belief System (Gangstalking): Mixed Methods Study

Monitoring Editor: Rita KukafkaReviewed by Jun Wen TanAndrew Lustig, MD, MSc,📷#1,2 Gavin Brookes, PhD,#3 and Daniel Hunt, PhD#41 Department of Psychiatry, Faculty of Medicine, University of Toronto, Toronto, ON, Canada2 Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, Toronto, ON, Canada3 ESRC Centre for Corpus Approaches to Social Science, Department of Linguistics and English Language, Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, Lancaster University, Lancaster, United Kingdom4 School of English Studies, Faculty of Arts, University of Nottingham, Nottingham, United KingdomAndrew Lustig, Department of Psychiatry, Faculty of Medicine, University of Toronto, 1051 Queen Street West, Toronto, ON, M6J1H3, Canada, Phone: 1 416 535 8501 ext 32841, Email: [ac.hmac@gitsul.werdna](mailto:dev@null).Author information Article notes Copyright and License information DisclaimerGo to:

Abstract

Background

Gangstalking is a novel persecutory belief system whereby those affected believe they are being followed, stalked, and harassed by a large number of people, often numbering in the thousands. The harassment is experienced as an accretion of innumerable individually benign acts such as people clearing their throat, muttering under their breath, or giving dirty looks as they pass on the street. Individuals affected by this belief system congregate in online fora to seek support, share experiences, and interact with other like-minded individuals. Such people identify themselves as targeted individuals.

Objective

The objective of the study was to characterize the linguistic and rhetorical practices used by contributors to the gangstalking forum to construct, develop, and contest the gangstalking belief system.

Methods

This mixed methods study employed corpus linguistics, which involves using computational techniques to examine recurring linguistic patterns in large, digitized bodies of authentic language data. Discourse analysis is an approach to text analysis which focuses on the ways in which linguistic choices made by text creators contribute to particular functions and representations. We assembled a 225,000-word corpus of postings on a gangstalking support forum. We analyzed these data using keyword analysis, collocation analysis, and manual examination of concordances to identify discursive and rhetorical practices among self-identified targeted individuals.

Results

The gangstalking forum served as a site of discursive contest between 2 opposing worldviews. One is that gangstalking is a widespread, insidious, and centrally coordinated system of persecution employing community members, figures of authority, and state actors. This was the dominant discourse in the study corpus. The opposing view is a medicalized discourse supporting gangstalking as a form of mental disorder. Contributors used linguistic practices such as presupposition, nominalization, and the use of specialized jargon to construct gangstalking as real and external to the individual affected. Although contributors generally rejected the notion that they were affected by mental disorder, in some instances, they did label others in the forum as impacted/affected by mental illness if their accounts if their accounts were deemed to be too extreme or bizarre. Those affected demonstrated a concern with accumulating evidence to prove their position to incredulous others.

Conclusions

The study found that contributors to the study corpus accomplished a number of tasks. They used linguistic practices to co-construct an internally coherent and systematized persecutory belief system. They advanced a position that gangstalking is real and contested the medicalizing discourse that gangstalking is a form of mental disorder. They supported one another by sharing similar experiences and providing encouragement and advice. Finally, they commiserated over the challenges of proving the existence of gangstalking.
Keywords: internet, discourse analysis, psychosis, delusions, linguistics, language, online discourse, corpus linguistics, computer mediated communication, schizophrenia, eHealthGo to:

Introduction

Gangstalking is a novel persecutory belief system whereby those affected believe they are being followed, stalked, and harassed by a large number of people, often numbering in the thousands [1,2]. In contrast to traditional forms of stalking that are usually organized by a single person [3], those affected by gangstalking are unable to identify a single person responsible for their persecution and experience it as a widely distributed and coordinated effort of co-conspirators. People who identify as affected by gangstalking self-identify as targeted individuals.
Although specific experiences of gangstalking vary between those affected, the various expressions of this polythetic belief system include a number of common elements. In particular, the campaign of harassment that affected individuals perceive is frequently experienced as an accretion of innumerable individually benign acts such as people clearing their throat, muttering under their breath, or giving dirty looks as they pass on the street. Perceived as deliberate, connected, and malicious, intense distress is experienced as a cumulative effect of these acts over a prolonged period. Individuals affected by gangstalking are frequently unable to pinpoint a clear motive for the harassment, which is a further source of perplexity and distress. They frequently describe that the apparent goal is to make them appear mentally ill, to cause them to be discredited and disbelieved, and sometimes to encourage or precipitate their eventual suicide.
Interest in gangstalking is increasing over time and the popular press reports the activities of those affected with growing frequency [4-7]. As shown in Figure 1, the popularity of the Google search term gangstalking has increased steadily over the past decade [8]. When targeted individuals present to clinical attention, they are frequently diagnosed with psychotic illnesses and the gangstalking is conceptualized as a persecutory delusional system by psychiatric professionals. The gangstalking belief system is similar to some other well-established persecutory delusional belief systems, such as the Truman Show delusion [9], where those affected believe that their lives are surreptitiously being continuously recorded and produced into a reality television show and that everyone or nearly everyone they come into contact with is complicit in the deceit. As with many stigmatized beliefs [10,11], individuals affected by gangstalking reject the psychiatric formulation of their condition and turn elsewhere for support.
Continued, as always this link is clean ttbomk
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7980115/#ref1

I’m a 24 (f) overall healthy woman, just struggle with bipolar 1 and endometriosis. However….
Since August of 2023, one night I woke up having drenching night sweats and clammy skin. I had to get up and change the sheets, my clothes and get a different pillow. I had never experienced night sweats nor clammy skin before in my life. But ever since that night, it has been a nightly occurrence.
I have addressed the night sweats with my physicians. I did hormone tests with my obgyn and everything was normal. Next is probably ultrasounds and other stuff.
Also, the medications I’m on aren’t the cause either, these night sweats began before I started them.
At first I thought that maybe me being on cymbalta was suddenly causing this, but my psychiatrist had me discontinue the medication to see if it persisted, and it did. No change.
The last two CBC’s I had performed were a month apart. 10/03 and then 11/03. Both CBC’s were normal, everything was within a normal range.
However, when reading my labs my Neutrophils levels dropped from 65.3% to 38% and my Lymphocytes increased from 25% to 50%. I didn’t have any active infections or illnesses at the time, so I’m wondering what could cause these drastic shifts.
I haven’t gotten a CBC since, they don’t think it’s necessary to perform one, however as a scientist, I have some concerns.
I just need to know if my concerns are valid or if I’m just over thinking everything! Thank youuuu!❤️

F26. Diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Medications: Ritalin SA, Sertraline, Loratadine [daily] and depo shot every 90 days.
My smoking history:
I have smoked cigarettes semi-casually since 13y/o. However, once I finished high school, I fell into the wrong crowd and my habit turned into a pack or more per day. I also started smoking weed through a bong at this time, which became a daily habit almost instantly.
Between 18y/o to now, on average, I’ve smoked 20-30 cigarettes per day. I started smoking joints instead of bongs about 5 years ago, but I’ve always been really heavy with the amount (5-7g/day on average for all these years).
Diagnoses/testing:
• No diagnoses (except for the obvious substance abuse disorder) • Only test I have had is a lung function test at 23y/o - lung capacity was at 42y/o
I hate how little I am concerned with the long-term impacts because of my current lack of health issues. I do well in my physically active job, I’ve only had two known respiratory infections in my life, one being asymptomatic COVID. I’ve always had an intolerance for activities that smoking would impact (such as running) so I haven’t noticed those effects much. The only thing I notice is the coughing and phlegm, and having blocked sinuses.
I am near the tail end of my degree (in biomedicine) and I thought the information I learnt would scare me into quitting, but it hasn’t, I just feel so apathetic about the situation. I want to be scared into quitting, but even with the knowledge I have, I’m not.
I guess my question would be: Docs, do you have anything to input that might actually scare me into getting to the ‘contemplation stage’ of quitting?

22F - this is my first post so bare with me 🫠
✋I don’t know how the trigger stuff works, but I mention some heavy feelings. I also mention past abuse but it is not detailed. So if that is something you would not like to read please scroll.✋
With everything going on in other countries, I can’t help but feel selfish sitting in my parents house and feeling the way I do. I feel useless, empty and just done. All my friends have moved on, gone to school, moved out of state. I know that they would listen to me if I told them how badly I felt. But I just won’t be that person and I don’t want them to bare that weight. I try so hard to lift others up to make them feel good, heard, and seen. But I don’t think anyone will ever understand me. Some days feel fine, but on days like today I want to disappear. I just want everything to stop, so I don’t feel so bad.
I love my family with everything I have, and I hate the thought of not being there for them, or them being there for me. But I don’t have the energy to fight all my thoughts, so I just sit and think, and the thoughts spin.
I would love to go out and be active but I recently got diagnosed with an immune disorder. I am in constant pain. I don’t talk about it with anyone so people think it’s just a small thing, or that I’m not hurting as bad as I am. It is unbearable, and it is exhausting having to deal with everything on your own.
I feel my own dog doesn’t want to be around me, I feel like this clump of negative energy when I’m alone. But the people who are around me say that I’m this great person, personable, funny. But I don’t see it when I look in the mirror. I just see this thing that used to be so happy and full of life. I just want her back.
With all that being said, I’ve heard writing and reading are good ways to compartmentalize/ distract myself. But every time I try to sit down and write I feel my mind is too scattered to actually write something. The noise is too loud. So I just listen to music and cry, stare off, workout, but nothing helps. I’ve been doing this for so long/so often that I’ve found that I’m in the best shape that I’ve been in for a long time- but I still feel horrible. It doesn’t take away my pain, or make it better, but it makes the voices in my head quieter for as long as I do it.
Back in February I ended a relationship of about 7 months. He was terrible to me, and every time I left his house I left with a new bruise, scratch, or thought that he had embedded in my brain. Nobody knows, or really knows the extent of what had been done to me. I was and am, too ashamed to speak about it. I felt weak and small, and I know none of it was my fault. Sometimes I can’t help but think about the times he was nice to me, and I miss him. Like my mind is forgetting the bad parts, and I feel guilty for leaving. I know he was hurting too, but it’s not fair that he got to take it out on me. I gave him everything I had, and it was never enough.
I know this was all over the place, but I just wanted to say something in the case that someone may be dealing with a similar situation. If you read this far, thank you. If you’re dealing with some of the same thoughts or feelings, you’re not alone. You are loved, and you matter. ❤️

To give context about the situation, I met a girl about 5 years ago. We dated for 2 and a half years. She was undiagnosed bipolar (now diagnosed), a compulsive liar, and I found out she had affairs she hid from the relationship when we were figuring things out and still seeing each other. She probably cheated.
Fast forward 2 years later, I made contact with her just to see how she was. I felt like I had developed a lot as a person and wasn’t mad about the situation anymore because so much time had passed. She expressed that she had changed her entire life, began taking antipsychotic medication, got a proper diagnosis for her bipolar disorder, and has been working non-stop with a therapist. She had a fairly high-paying job as a manager. She explained that a lot of trauma had happened to her in her life when she was younger, which she needed to work through. This made me feel happy for her.
She said she wanted me back. She said there’s no other guy she ever imagined herself being with. She saw her eventually marrying me and having kids. So, we started talking for a few months. The night I went through her phone, I told her that it was hard for me to be with her because of the lack of trust and lying in the past. She started crying and telling me how much she loves me and would practically do anything for me. That she envisions marriage and kids with me and never lie again. It made me feel better, but I had a gut feeling.
I went through her phone that night, which I was reluctant to do. When I looked inside, I found messages and conversations with her friends about her having sex with a lot of people. This was right before we started talking again. There were some flirtatious texts with people while we were talking. I was kind of revolted because she was having sex with a lot of men, and they were really low-quality people. On another note, I saw her also talk really well about me to her friends and family.
Now the issue was this. I talked to her, and I had asked her if, when we weren’t talking last year, she was dating or sleeping with other guys. She said only 2 people, basically. I knew this was a lie, and it made me pretty mad. I told her that a friend of mine knew a guy who got with her, then she said it was years ago they slept together. I told her it was recent and that I knew. She got worried and admitted she lied and only had sex 1 time. I said I knew that was a lie, and she needed to leave. She admitted she lied again and said it was a lot of times. She got super emotional and said, fine, one guy extra was all she was with. She had no idea I went through her phone still at this point.
She left. Later in the day, I asked her another question because she’s bisexual. I said, 'When was the last time you hooked up with a girl?' She told me years ago, when in fact it was only a few months ago. I told her I knew, but she denied it, not possibly understanding how I would know.
She said again she didn’t have any more sex with other people. I gave her the initials of the person’s name with whom she was also sleeping. She denied it and deleted messages to screenshot them to me to make it look normal, but I had just seen the messages where she had asked for sex and where she had deleted them.
I started to get mad because she really thought I was stupid. So I flat out told her, 'You shouldn’t try to be sneaky with the passcode 1234.' She called me, and I told her I literally saw everything; she was hysterically crying.
Am the bad guy for going through her phone to find out the real her? Im not mad at her for having many sexual partners while we weren’t together. I care that she is lying to me again after proposing the idea she’s changed and wants a serious relationship. I am done with her now.

First post in this group, but I'm having a real hard time controlling my emotions at this moment and I felt like I needed to communicate with people who get it. Not sure if advice is what I'm after. I just...ugh... okay, the thing is my spouse is wonderful, and accepts all my issues and trusts that I'm getting the right help, and I am, but there is a metric ton of weight on their shoulders these days, lots of it having to do with mental health issues at their job (they're a 2nd grade teacher in an underserviced community). Plus, they're on the spectrum so it's hard for them to relate to this. They love and care for me immensely, and though they're willing to talk about it, sometimes all they can say is "I don’t know what to say."
Lately I've been on manic level eleven. Ugly crying in my car in the parking over nothing for like a half hour. I have an eating disorder (ARFID) and I've barely eaten in days. Yesterday it was all loud techno music and "lets get dressed up!" to go to a school function for my stepdaughter, and I went with what I'd wear to the club (nobody cared but it was totally a manic flex). Today I spent the whole day in my room, afraid to make things worse after having a complete emotional breakdown over a stupid disagreement on facebook. To my credit I did not behave badly, no outbursts, didn't overload my spouse. But all the same, I hate how lonely this makes me feel. Not to play the "no one understands me" card, but the non-bipolar people in my life just don't understand, and unfortunately I'm the only one I know.
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone finds their way to peace.

Hi Everyone. I'm not even sure what I'm posting yet, but been spiraling pretty bad with several ruminating thoughts that I just can't figure out.
I'm stumped again. My lease is ending in less than 3 weeks and I'm not working and frankly haven't for about 4 years. I keep thinking I'm going to be OK, that a great job is right around the corner, but it's delusional. I'm not good. I'm not stable at all. Just now is my treatment team coming around to the bp2 diagnosis and just recently, it's quite apparent to me, thanks in large part to this sub and now from reading, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder.
I do have another apartment lined up, but as lots of us know, rent prices are ridiculous and it's getting so expensive where I live. When I was speaking to my father briefly, he was trying to find places near him, which are a tad more affordable and so he can "help" me. But my parents have been incredibly hurtful and abusive. My mother (as I can see now) is bp2 as well (so was her father, and his father); and fed me so many paranoid thoughts throughout my life, was cold/distant one minute, loving the next; but never hesitated to let me know how awful I was in my worst, dark, desperate moments. My father, has belittled me, screamed at me, laughed at me while crying more times than I can count. I am currently not speaking with them as it's so triggering to hear from them. I wish I had family to turn to.
I have no idea what to do. I'm living off savings and will continue to have to do so until that runs out. I know I first and foremost need to get stable as much as possible with meds and treat things that need treated, things I've never even opened up to my treatment team about bc I've lived with this for so long (I'm in my 40's and just now getting the diagnosis).
I've lost everything over and over again. I've never been able to maintain employment for a super long time (I made it almost 3years at one place, then they fired me). I demanded divorce from my ex wife 2.5 years ago and still can't believe what I did, how I treated her, how I abused her the exact same ways my father and mother abused me. If only I could've had this diagnosis then and known how to treat it, to give names to my irritability and explosivity. Names for the non stop racing thoughts, the paranoid delusions and now realizing, accusatory hallucinations as well. The insomnia. Sensory overload. The deep deep sadness, self loathing, suicidality. Fuck. It's so sobering to know everything you've lost to this illness.
I keep holding out hope sometimes. Maybe I'll get stable somehow. Maybe I can ride things out just a little while longer and things will change. I just don't know. Maybe one of you can relate, have been in this predicament before. Maybe had to face this illness and diagnosis all alone? Thanks all.

Just putting this here so I can refer to it. This is a partial transcript from the Madly In Love episode of this podcast- https://kimberlybeamholmes.com/#podcast

Kim: Her name is Dr. Helen Fisher and she has been a pioneer in the field of Anthropology. She took the work of Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who was the original researcher to coin the term "limerence", and she has been the person to spearhead that work. And she has studied romantic love and what it means to fall in love and to be madly in love, and how to stay madly in love with someone for the majority of her research history. She's a biological anthropologist, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and she's the chief science advisor to Match.com. She's conducted extensive research and written six books on the evolution and future of human sex, love, marriage and the brain, and even how personality styles shape who you are and who you can fall in love with.
[...]
Kim: What is the difference between romantic love and limerence?
Helen: I don't think there is any difference. I used to know [Dr. Dorothy Tennov] and I guess she wanted to invent a new term, and that was fine. I don't mind that, but I actually like the term of romantic love. Her concept of limerence was a rather sad one. It had a sad component to it. Anyway, she created a new term. It's a perfectly fine term. I could have used it myself. I decided not to because I felt that the term romantic love had meaning in society and I didn't see the need for a new term. But I certainly liked her work. I certainly read her book. I certainly knew her. I admired her. And I didn't happen to adopt the term limerence, but if people want to use it, fine with me.
Kim: Well I don't know if you know or not, but it's used a lot on YouTube now.
Helen: Oh, so they picked it up, okay, whatever.
Kim: Well, a lot of people who probably don't know anything about it talk about it. That's pretty much what's happening.
Helen: Do they understand what it is? I mean do they understand that it's basically infatuation and intense romantic love? What do they think it is? Do they have it right?
Kim: I think they have it right, yes. So it's that it's—and this is my understanding of limerence—is that it has a shelf life, but it is a feeling of infatuation, intense, that feeling of being madly in love that dominates your thoughts. It dominates several different behaviors that you might have, but because it is so intense, that's why it has a shelf life. Typically I think what we believe is like 3 months to 24 months or 48 months, something like that, to which it begins to subside. I was thinking of it when you were talking about the romantic love going into attachment, because when that super intense part of being madly in love subsides, well what's left to keep you together because you can't biologically, from my understanding, operate in that feeling of limerence for the rest of your life. It's too demanding mentally and physically.
Helen: So I don't entirely agree, and I've proven that that's wrong.
Kim: Let's talk about it, yeah.
Helen: First of all, it is, it's very intense. There's no question about it. I mean when you are madly in love, I mean people pine for love, they live for love, they kill for love, they die for love. I mean when you are madly in love, it's hard to think about anything else. What people will do, haha, when they are madly in love or limerent, whatever you want to call it, is very dramatic. Of course, it evolved as a very intense experience so that you could leave everything behind and focus on a particular individual and start the mating process. So, I completely agree with that. I also do think that it can subside to some extent.
Americans do believe that it cannot remain long-term. I've proven that to be incorrect. I and my colleagues have put over a hundred people into the brain scanner using fMRI. And we had people coming into the lab who were, I don't know, they kept on saying—they were in their 50s and 60s—and they kept on saying "I'm still madly in love with him". I'm madly in love with her." The vast majority of these people had grown children, but yet they were still in love, not just loving, but in love with their partner. And so we put them into the brain scanner, because Americans don't believe it just like you said, and sure enough we've found the same activity in those basic brain circuits among people who were in long-term "madly in love", as in short-term "madly in love." So it can remain long-term, but I have to say, I mean, that very early intense thing where you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't think of anything else, you're willing to move to China, you know, quit your job, you know, grow long hair, whatever you're gonna do, I do think that some of that does go. Because just like you said, it's not adaptive. But I disagree that it can't be sustained at a little bit more practical level.
I, for example, have been madly in love—madly in love—with a man for nine years. I wake up in the morning—and I'm married to him—and I wake up in the morning, and see if he's written me if we're not together. If the phone rings, I hope that it's him that calls. I do think that you can remain in love. Now, that very early intense—no, I don't—I'm not up all night wondering why he said this or that.
Kim: Right.
Helen: But I think it's a misunderstanding to think that it can't on a more reasonable level be sustained long-term if you pick the right person and know how to compromise.
Kim: What do you think does lead to it being sustained long-term in some people versus others?
Helen: Well I think you've got to pick the right person, let's start with that.

Note that Helen has commented on Wakin & Vo and the idea that 'limerence' is a disorder: https://web.archive.org/web/20080210054316/https://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-02-06-limerence_N.htm
(From her material she is aware of some weirder stuff as well, so she isn't naive with her comments on this podcast. See for example https://limerence.fandom.com/wiki/Abandonment_Paranoia)
Also see this essay for some more context https://limerence.fandom.com/wiki/Limerence_Is_Romantic_Love

In August 2023, I started talking to this guy online. I was, and still am, pretty inexperienced both sexually and relationship wise back then. The whole thing was purely online and heavily sexual, but he lovedbombed me and fetishized my lack of experience. It ended by him blocking me after 1,5 month when he either got into a relationship with another girl or thought they got serious enough that it's time to ghost me. They've broken up and he spined the block on me probably less than a week after the fact. I knew from the get go that he wasn't going to treat me seriously and I wouldn't allow myself to even consider commiting to him after all the disrespect. He has bipolar disorder, is a drug abuser and is generally into really weird things I wouldn't want my future partner to be into.
But I still talked to him and we met up last wednesday since he moved to my city (to live with his ex lol). There was no sex involved (penetrative or oral), but we did some things. The conversations weren't that great. I didn't exactly feel "butterflies" around him, but there's just a part of me that's so strongly drawn to him, even though I know that's not someone I should consider investing emotionally into. Everytime I tried to date in those past few months, the thought of him crawled back into my brain and I just couldn't escape it. He blocked me again today for making a stupid joke and I know that he will most likely come back, but I feel so empty and depressed over this whole thing. I just want to erease him from my brain, but he knows exactly how to trigger my abandonment wounds. I internalize his treatment of me so much, when I know he's mentally ill and used to do opiates since he was like 15. I always run back into thinking that he would change, but just not for me and that I'm the problem. I just get nauseous when thinking of him being a good man to his ex or someone else, even though I have no proof of it ever becoming the case. I want to talk to his ex so bad and ask how their relationship went down, but I know that's stupid, invasive and will most likely ruin my chances with him forever

When I start to get hungry, I get in a hurry to fix food and eat. But if I let it go too long and get really hungry it triggers anger and being in a hurry really bad! I mean just so bad that I'll spill things and rush to eat as soon as possible! I know I think I have GERD? I'm not sure but also dealing with bowel issues as well. So I'm wondering if my digestive issue is triggering me to get super angry / manic? This has happened when I took ziprasidone last year and now I'm on 150 mg lamictal and the same thing is happening! So I'm wondering if the kind of medicine I'm taking triggers it too?
Also when I get triggered like that it makes my sensory issues even worse! So I'm not sure what is causing this and what to do about it. Trying to eat more fruits and vegetables but SSDI benefits are just so low and EBT at North Carolina for someone in my situation is only $25! Struggling to get the food banks and back with my sensory issues etc. So yes I know! I already know diet is a huge factor with having a mood disorder but boy oh boy is it such a struggle to get consistently healthy food into my kitchen and eat it such low government funding and other issues like transportation! So frustrated with many things but this digestive issue is utter misery. It's not only getting triggered when I'm starting to get hungry but I always feel hungry too! I can eat a pretty decent size amount of food and it literally an hour later my body is screaming at me to eat again! And of course that's probably due to the crappy diet I had eating lots of soda cheese and sugar the past 2 years. I've cut down on the sugar a lot and cut down on my dairy milk intake. Dairy milk has messed me up with mood and digestive issues for years. And I've cut down on it quite a bit but I'm still having these mood issues couple with the digestive issue!
Any suggestions would be helpful, me there's a supplement I can take that may help with the bipolar slest I just have issues? I've tried magnesium citrate and standard magnesium. Took them both for 1 to 2 weeks, no benefit.

I feel really down right now and could use some people to talk to/vent safely. My doctor is really short with me and I feel like my friends and family don’t understand.
TLDR: my doc recommended phentermine, I’m desperate to lose weight and mentally struggling but scared with my history of yo yo dieting and weight loss/gain that phentermine will just be another thing to hurt my already damaged metabolism.
My doctor recommended I try phentermine but I’m worried I’ll ruin my metabolism or somehow end up worse off in the long run. However mentally I’m desperate to lose this weight, it’s making me depressed.
Currently I’m 32F, 5’3 185lbs. I feel so horrible about myself but I have a complicated history with my body and weight.
As a kid I was a little heavier but not unhealthy overweight. Although I was always larger than many of my friends. I think this was because I never was in sports and was chronically under nourished. I was always hungry.
Once I was on my own at 16/17 I could afford my own food and I reached my heaviest weight of 215lbs. About age 19 I realized I wasn’t healthy and learned all about nutrients, learned how to exercise etc etc. I got down to 150lbs over about a year to 2 year period. Then I worked at a gym for an extended period 5/6 years) where I was super active and had borderline eating disorder because I would deprive myself, lose weight to get to like 135lbs, then over eat, go back to 150lbs etc. it was a cycle of losing and gaining weight. I was always stressing about calorie counting, doing weird fasts, over exercising and completely obsessed with food.
Then about age 25 I went through a divorce. Without even trying I was down to 125lbs. I really enjoyed it, but looking back I did not look healthy. Over a year I gained 10lbs and was a healthier 135lbs. Then… I got pregnant. Through my pregnancy I gave up my diet mentality. I gained 60lbs. When I went to the hospital I was close to 200lbs, but I didn’t care because I was pregnant.
Once cleared to exercise following pregnancy I started counting calories and exercising again. I got down to about 165lbs. Stayed there for about 2 years. Then decided to go “hard”. Dieted more, starved myself with 1200 calorie a day diet, running, insanity workouts etc etc. I managed to get down to 155lbs.
But then I had a major rebound. I felt so sick and so hungry from the months of starvation dieting. Mentally I was sick and couldn’t stand myself and constantly just thinking of food. What can I eat what will I eat next. Just so obsessed and mentally tormented by food constantly.
So I decided to give up dieting again. Within 2 to 3 months my weight shot up to 180lbs. Now I’ve been 180-185lbs for about two years. Last summer I dieted and lost 15lbs but as soon as I stopped dieting I gained it all back. And I hate it. Every time I try to lose weight though by calorie counting or exercising more intense I all of a sudden get that out of control obsession with food. Or I feel so hungry and then don’t lose weight because I’m eating back calories I burn.
It’s just been such a horrible cycle of losing and gaining weight my whole life. I hate where I’m at right now but am so tired mentally of the battle with food/ my body. I tried the last three months to lose weight with exercise and dieting but ended up gaining two pounds (not muscle). So discouraging.
My doctor says I have estrogen dominance so I’m on some progesterone and she recommend a supplement for me. She said my weight is hormonal and recommended phentermine to help me out. But I’m worried because I feel like I already destroyed my metabolism through excessive dieting and yo yo weight loss/gain. Is phentermine going to make that even worse? Or will it possibly help me through and end my obsession with food and my body? I don’t want to be 125lbs again, but 150 would be nice and I’d feel more comfortable and healthy.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I’m at a low point and feel like I don’t know what to do.

I have bipolar disorder and this thing is getting out of hand. I am an international student and don’t speak German so getting any help is impossible! Why is getting help for mental illness so hard here? Every psychiatrist you call, will say they don’t have an appointment or don’t treat Public Insurance or don’t treat English speakers. Then you call 116117 and they literally said sorry only Deutsch, I mean cmon atleast listen to what the person has to say. Please i need help otherwise I’ll probably end up killing myself.
Sorry I know this sub is mostly in German so I have put a translated version below:
Ich leide unter einer bipolaren Störung und die Sache gerät außer Kontrolle. Ich bin ein internationaler Student und spreche kein Deutsch, daher ist es unmöglich, Hilfe zu bekommen! Warum ist es hier so schwer, Hilfe für psychische Erkrankungen zu bekommen? Jeder Psychiater, den Sie anrufen, sagt, dass sie keinen Termin haben oder keine gesetzlichen Krankenversicherungen behandeln oder keine Englischsprachigen behandeln. Dann rufen Sie 116117 an und sie sagen buchstäblich, tut mir leid, aber ich spreche nur Deutsch, ich meine, hören Sie sich wenigstens an, was die Person zu sagen hat.

This is a throwaway account because honestly this is embarrassing. It's also a bit long.
Okay so for a bit of context, I (20F) was already in a pretty dark place before all of this happened. I'm a med student, which is enough to break some already, and a little more than a year ago, I realized I was trans (MtF) and began my transition. My family being muslim and hence homophobic/transphobic, I no longer have any contact with them and live alone. I have three close friends, but it's really hard seeing them (we see each other once every two months). So yeah I was already pretty depressed, and on top of that I developed what I suspect is Body Dysmorphic Disorder in relation to my gender dysphoria (I can spend hours obsessing in front of a mirror on bad days) and some mild eating disorder. And I'm failing classes, obviously.
But you know, I still had hope. I could retake the year, work this summer to pay for FFS, and I was motivated to get help from my doctor about my depressive state and see a therapist.
One morning last week, I had an exam at the hospital. I spent all night reviewing the material, slept very little, and come morning I skipped taking a shower for the fourth day (I know, this is embarrassing and dirty, but at this point in my life it could happen that I don't have the energy to wash for two days, but the vast majority of the time I stick to at least one shower every two days). That morning on the bus, I see signs that maybe, I do smell, but still subtle enough that I could convince myself that I was just imagining things because I was expecting to smell bad. Once at the hospital, while waiting with the other students, they comment soon after I arrive that they smell "waves of a cigarette smell" (I don't smoke btw), which they attributed to the fact people on break smoked outside and the ventilation brought the smell inside. I couldn't see any ventilation in the room, but I was semi-convinced and the subject didn't come up again. We had the exam (I did okay-ish, clearly not worth the effort of not sleeping), and I went home to finally take a shower and change my clothes.
I thought that was it. I went to uni for a group project in the afternoon, and on my way home, again, signs that I may smell bad. The man sitting in front of me had his scarf up his nose. I was mortified and went home running. I decided that maybe it was my clothes, especially my jacket that I hadn't washed since a while. I put it in the washing machine.
Next morning, I take a shower, put on fresh clothes, including the washed jacket and different shoes. But it happens again, on the bus and at work. Mind, it's still subtle enough that I'm still considering I've gone paranoid — especially since I didn't smell a thing. Apart from the man with his scarf, there was no clear sign. Just people walking up the aisle then changing their mind, them sitting next to me less frequently than usual, and the sound of sniffing. But I wanted to be prudent.
Same as the day before, I had a group project that afternoon. I went home at noon and took another shower, and I noticed I had a bit of build up in my earlobe piercing (thay I did 2-3 months ago), and it looked a bit red. I thought that maybe it was infected and that was causing the smell, so I elected to go to the piercing place and have them take a look as they had advised me.
I couldn't get there. On the bus, people were clearly awkward. They went up the aisle then spun around. Someone was about to sit next to me before he stood up again. A teenager got on the bus and clearly said "It stinks". I couldn't take it anymore and got off, and hid in a public park, on the verge of tears. I went home walking. I wasn't going to live that humiliation again.
As soon as I was home, I broke down. I cried all evening and just wanted to die. I already had kinda suicidal thoughts before, but more in a "I wouldn't mind if I died" way. That evening, I actively looked up ways to off myself, and even came up with a clear plan. Just smelling bad, while embarrassing, might seem pretty innocuous (although when you can't find the reason it does get pretty maddening). But as I said at the beginning, I was already in a pretty dark place, and this was more like the last straw after a long list of blows to my mental health. Even now, I'm still pretty suicidal.
I still tried to solve the issue. There are four main possible reasons : - I'm paranoid and lost my mind. I think it is unlikely. While I didn't smell anything at all, the signs were too obvious and COVID probably fucked up my sense of smell anyway. It's unlikely that is the root of this problem, but now I will definitely constantly be paranoid of my odour. This will do wonders to my mental health. - Personal hygiene. The showers didn't solve this. But I now take between one and two showers a day. And my piercings have nothing abnormal anymore. - Clothes. Changing and washing clothes didn't do a thing. The only article of clothing that escaped all this was my backpack, that I bought a month ago. So the culprit is either my backpack, my detergent or my washing machine. I read online that it could grow mold, and I didn't see nor smell anything of the sort except a bit of dust and hair. Still cleaned everything though. - My home / environment. Probably the most likely. I clean where I live, but probably not as often as I should. I tend to let things accumulate until the last possible moment, always on the edge of what is acceptable. For example I had garbage bags sitting in my kitchen for a week, but I wasn't about to let them stew to two weeks. You can probably guess how hard it can be to just clean when you're depressed.
So this weekend, I cleaned everything. I ordered groceries online as I wasn't about to step a foot outside. When I say I cleaned everything, I mean everything. I took out everything in my drawers, cleaned inside, and then put it back all in order. I put all my clothes, even the clean ones, in the laundry basket and am in the process of washing them all. I cleaned the inside of the washing machine, and bought a new detergent. I did the dishes, cleaned the toilets, took out the trash, sweeped and scrubbed the floor and changed the bedsheets. When I say I cleaned everywhere, I mean everywhere. I bought a new deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, and lit scented candles and opened the windows for far too long. I also ordered new clothes and new shoes, just in case.
I must admit, it feels good to live somewhere clean again. But I'm still deeply anxious it will happen again. I dread stepping outside, going back to the hospital. It would absolutely crush me if despite everything, whatever everyone seems to smell but I can't is still there. I'm this close to commit to my other, definitive solution. I plan on skipping going tomorrow, but I can't reasonably do this forever. Even if I manage it, I fear that the anxiety will never disappear. This is my new phobia. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what advice could I get. I can't talk about this to my friends, I will appear either as mad or dirty, and probably both. I should definitely go see a therapist or a doctor, but how can I even go outside in the first place? This is killing me, quite possibly literally.
But yeah, I'm asking anyway. Do you have any idea where that smell could come from, something I might have overlooked? And how the fuck can I overcome that fear of going outside? How can I manage living with that anxiety while my life was already a shit show before this happened to me?

Hi everyone,
A Baseline rep told me they're partnering with Metabolic Mind, which is why I signed up for this app. I was also told that the first 300 people who sign up for the beta version "get the app for free for life!"
The following info. is from Baseline's 4/28/24 Instagram post. bipolar_baseline*
At Baseline, we’re pioneering the future of mental health support with our innovative app designed specifically for those living with bipolar disorder. We understand the journey, and we’re here to make it smoother and more supported.*
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This just feels like ableism. Lots of people online in social media love victim blaming pointing fingers playing arm chair psychologist psychiatrist and label others with scary villain like bad guy labels when you do something they don’t like.

I did NOT cook
Poem: “To Paint a Water Lily” (Ted Hughes) Prompt: Read the following poem carefully. Then write an essay discussing how the poet uses literary techniques to reveal the speaker’s attitudes toward nature and the artist’s task.
To Paint a Water Lily
A green level of lily leaves
Roofs the pond's chamber and paves
​
The flies' furious arena: study
These, the two minds of this lady.
​
First observe the air's dragonfly
That eats meat, that bullets by
​
Or stands in space to take aim;
Others as dangerous comb the hum
​
Under the trees. There are battle-shouts
And death-cries everywhere hereabouts
​
But inaudible, so the eyes praise
To see the colours of these flies
​
Rainbow their arcs, spark, or settle
Cooling like beads of molten metal
​
Through the spectrum. Think what worse
is the pond-bed's matter of course;
​
Prehistoric bedragoned times
Crawl that darkness with Latin names,
​
Have evolved no improvements there,
Jaws for heads, the set stare,
​
Ignorant of age as of hour—
Now paint the long-necked lily-flower
​
Which, deep in both worlds, can be still
As a painting, trembling hardly at all
​
Though the dragonfly alight,
Whatever horror nudge her root.
In Ted Hughes' "To Paint a Water Lily," the author employs juxtaposition of the chaotic environment surrounding the still and resilient water lily, as well as a uniform couplet structure to demonstrate the author's fascination and admiring attitude towards nature and the artist's task to portray to complexity and cohesiveness of the described environment.
The auditory imagery of clashing sounds of insect screams and chirps juxtaposed to the still and calm water lily, unaffected by the cacophony surrounding it, demonstrates the speaker's admiration in the complexity of nature. Firstly, the narrator depicts the environment as tumultuous, with insects constantly in competition and battling for their own survival, demonstrated in the quotes "the air's dragonfly that (...) bullets by" (lines 5-6) and the "battle-shouts / And death-cries" (lines 9-10). The use of plosives, diction in "bullets by,"(line 6) and the imperfect rhyme in "take aim"(line 7) emphasizes the idea of the chaotic activity constantly occurring between the insects that is masked by the serenity of the water lily. The vast difference yet close proximity of the insects' ruckus and the indifference of the lily speaks to the speaker's view of the complexity; how violent and bloody battles are masked by sheer beauty. He sees nature as a complex yet cohesive structure, how nature is both serene and idle, yet is filled with horrors if one admires it closely. The shift, marked by the caesura, further proves his deep admiration as the passage shifts from describing an incredibly dynamic image of bugs battling and bulleting, to the artist carefully painting the resilient lily that stays still despite its environment. The narrator's address also switches, from a third person limited perspective describing the lily and its habitat to directly addressing the artist. The artist's task is to depict the complexity of the environment, inhabited by clashing characters that live in close proximity.
The use of couplets along with imperfect rhyme in the poem also demonstrates the cohesiveness of the natural environment the lily resides in. The consistent structure of couplets along with the enjambment throughout the majority of the poem demonstrate how despite the chaotic environment and the still painting being vastly different on the surface level, there are still many parallels in the two. The imperfect rhyme used during the author's recount further emphasizes the seemingly uniform, yet complex characteristic of nature. Although the poem seems to be uniform in terms of structure, the imperfect rhyme adds to the degree of the author's attitude. The imperfect rhyme used to describe the tumult caused by the insects evokes a sense of disorder and chaos in the consistent stanzas, which reflects how the lilies, seemingly still and serene, covers the violence and struggles that the flies and dragonflies constantly experience. The enjambment also builds upon the complexity, as the rhythm of the poem is consistent and speaks to the parallels between the painting and nature, both masked with a surface level beauty but have deeper connotations and events that are present. The artist has the challenge of trying to encapsulate the complex image, masked by a seemingly basic plant, and has to try and depict clashing characteristics in the serene appearance and chaotic reality of nature.
The complexity yet cohesiveness of nature, described by the narrator, depicts the serenity and sheer wonder of the water lily, still amidst the chaos. The constant flow of the poem along with the juxtaposition between peace and chaos creates a task for the artist; to successfully depict both the surface beauty and the violent and cacophonous sides of nature. The author uses a uniform structure in stanzas, yet an imperfect rhyme scheme to portray the varying degrees of nature's characteristics, and how most overlook one of the two ends of the spectrum.

I’m 19 years old, and have never had a psychotic episode before. That said, my whole life I’ve had pretty strange thoughts, and I’ve been plagued with mental health issues. I’ve had pretty bad solipsism anxiety my entire life. I actually remember coming down into my parents room at the age of 7 or 8, crying to them because I was scared they “weren’t real”.
I would frequently break down and cry in school anytime a teacher chastised me. This lead me to getting diagnosed with Bipolar disorder at a very young age. Some doctors have questioned if I actually have bipolar disorder, due to the fact my most of my symptoms can be explained by anxiety and Autism (two other things I’m diagnosed for.) The fact that bipolar disorder runs in my family on my dad‘s side was probably a major factor in my diagnosis. It’s not just the doctors, I too question if I actually have bipolar disorder due to my lack of manic episodes, however I clearly have severe outburst issues (specifically regarding my parents) considering I’ve screamed at my dad before telling him I “wished he were dead”.
Whether or not I have bipolar disorder, I definitely have some concerning symptoms. These symptoms have been brought to the forefront ever since I had a derealized panic-attack brought about by existential anxiety. I’m pretty sure I have existential OCD because I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE ABSURDITY OF EXISTING. Just yesterday I had a mini-panic attack over the fact that I exist, and it’s a truly terrible feeling. I cannot stop questioning reality. I think this has been significantly worse by the fact that this is the first time in my life where I‘m not in school, so I just have all the time in the world to sit around and think about these things.
I‘ve had such dreadful panic attacks as of late that I literally turned myself into the mental hospital out of fear that I was going into psychosis. The panic attack that did this to me was so bad that my face was literally going numb from fear, and I felt like I was going to have a seizer. While in the mental hospital, the doctors found out I have hyperthyroidism, and told me that’s quite likely the cause of my increased anxiety and brain fog. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. Either way, my brain is not doing great. I genuinely feel like I’m loosing it.
I begged my doctors to put me on anti-psychotics, which they didn’t do because they wrote my symptoms off as “anxiety“. Instead they put me on anti-anxiety meds (specifically Lexapro), and while I think Lex has helped somewhat so far (I can go about my life without feeling overly at risk of a panic attack, where as before I contently felt like I was on the edge of, one), When the existential dread kicks in, it’s still BAD. The kind that makes me feel like I’m dangerously close to thinking I’m god.
Keep in mind, I’ve gotten this existential more-or-less without the help or drugs. I don’t drink or do weed. This is all my own anxiety.
I want to know what I can do to prevent psychosis, or know how close I am too it. I’m constantly worried I’m on the edge of loosing it and I want to get better.

Salaam,
I am a revert of 3 years and I started wearing my hijab during Ramadan. I love being Muslim, I love Islam, but recently I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don’t know if anyone is familiar with the mood disorder. But I think I became Muslim when I was in a manic state and that makes me wonder if I should even be Muslim. If I need to relearn the religion. Even with wearing my hijab I was in a manic state when I put it on. I love wearing my hijab but I do feel a bit odd. And I feel like I want to dress modestly but not wear my scarf. I don’t know im all over the place. And I just don’t know where everything fits with this new diagnosis. I don’t know where it all fits in. If it fits in anywhere.