I need advice, though this is partially to vent, I want to get my thoughts and feelings out there, so that maybe something someone says can help me. I (F18) live in my childhood home with my father (M55), mother (F50), sibling (NB14), sister (F21) and brother in law (M23). I get along great with everyone, except for my father. I've known my father, mother, and sister as long as I can remember, my sibling is 3 years younger than me, and we've known my brother in law for about 5 years.
In childhood, my father was never really present in our lives. He worked a normal job with normal hours, but when he got home all he did was watch TV. I remember this very distinctly as we were kicked off the TV at 5, when he came home. Even when he was off of the TV, he was distant and never really involved with us. Even when he did take one or more of us out, it was just to something we liked for a small amount of time, then we had to go to a hardware store or something with him for hours. All of us quickly learned to not accept his offers of going to McDonald's for a quick meal. He'd occasionally trick us, saying it was a reward for something, then drag us somewhere anyway.
His distant behavior became worse when his dad died, and his mother came to live with us. To make a long and horrible story short, she put me and my sibling through hell, bullying us about weight, appearance, behavior and anything you could ever think one would nitpick children for. This was when I was 13-14, and it left a lot of issues for myself and my sibling to deal with. At first he denied anything was happening, but then it got so bad I slipped to my therapist that I wanted to end my life, and he took me seriously after that. My father's mother was kicked out, but I was in rough shape.
Ever since then he has treated me like a fragile flower, always trying to say things like "You can always talk to your mom or I", but he knew this wasn't the case. I could never bring up anything with him as he would just tell me to go to mom, and never really supported me emotionally. He has depression and anxiety just like myself and my sibling, but unlike us he doesn't take his meds or go to therapy; he basically just doesn't do anything to improve himself.
But it really got bad when my sister graduated from high school and moved out. She had been with her boyfriend for about 3 years when they got engaged, and were married. This sent my father on a downward spiral. According to my mother, he had a bad drinking problem in the past, and had calmed down for a while, but this is when it started up again. My sister was always his obvious favorite; she looked like him, was athletic, smart, extroverted, and she had none of the mental issues he did. So her "leaving" him was very hard. He just couldn't deal with her growing up. I think it was partially because he never spent time with us, since after that he kept asking me to spend time with him, but at that point I had checked out of the relationship as much as he had.
He started spending more time in front of the TV. It really didn't help that he had an injury at work and had surgery on both of his shoulders, and he was being bullied when he did work. At this time, my mother had gotten a job to help pay for everything, and I was mostly home with my father, and he decided this meant I would do everything-all of the chores, cleaning up after him, cooking... everything my mom would normally do. They operated on his non-dominant shoulder first, so he could've helped, but no, he's just a poor helpless baby. I was 16 at the time, and also trying to learn to drive. His "driving lessons" consisted of him scolding me occasionally if I did something wrong, but not helping me learn at all.
I wanted to find a job, but between school and taking care of the house I was unable to. I got an allowance, but it was rather pitiful, and didn't even partially compensate me for the hours of endless work. Then there was an incident. My mom had told me to watch out for him when he'd been drinking, and I can easily tell when he was drinking. This was a day where I could tell he was drunk, but he came in asking for my help with something. He said that our truck was having issues and he wanted to look at the engine, so he asked me to help him wipe it off. I agreed. I went out with him, and my "helping" him was him watching while I wiped off the hood. Then he started to get angry.
I was focusing on the hood since he said he needed to lift it to look at the engine, but he told me to focus on the windshield. I was obiviously confused, but he grabbed another wiper and started to violently break apart the snow and wiping it off. I was still confused and kept wiping off the hood, but that made him more angry. He was moving in a way I knew would hurt him, but he was now raising his voice with me, angry and showing it. I started to dissociate, as that is my coping strategy, so I don't remember the exchange very well. All I know was there was a lot of swearing and yelling and calling me useless. Eventually he threw down his scraper and stormed off to the house.
I remember I was cold, sad, and I wanted to cry and run off into the woods never to be seen again. I wanted to scream, sob, punch a wall; but I did none of that. All I did was stand there for a while, then remember it was garbage day and take the garbage cans down. When I got inside, he was in his chair, watching TV, whistling to a song. I went to my room and cried. I hated myself, him, and the world so much, and that day I broke a streak of almost a year of self harming. I wanted to do more, but my dog helped me not to.
I wish I had let him go. I wish I had let him drive. At that point I still had some slight love for him, and that made me want to prevent his death. I honestly regret that now. He often got mad and snapped at mom, but it was never directed at me before. I knew that mom, with all the stress she was going through with her job and being both the house- maintainer and breadwinner wouldn't be able to handle that he had snapped at me. So I downplayed it, just telling her what happened and she said he probably either wanted fast food or alcohol, both of which he is addicted to. I still haven't gotten an apology.
I'm going to skip over some time here, as honestly his behavior is too frequent and habitual to mention every frustrating thing, so I will fast forward to the worst of it. A few months before my sister's wedding, it got really bad. He had yelled at my mom a few times, and every time we just took the dogs into our rooms, and we had gotten door knobs with locks specifically for this sort of thing. It happened often enough that all it took was a text to the other, and my sibling and I knew what to do. The worst happened on March 23rd, 2023. I don't know how it started; we never knew, but it didn't matter. The worst part is, my sibling was stuck in the bathroom when it started, right next to where my dad was screaming at my mom. They can't use that bathroom now when he's home because of this.
All I knew was I got the text and got our 2 dogs in my room. All I could hear (I was on the 2nd floor and this happened on the 1st) was how my mom was a bad person, getting the kids to hate him, she was a female dog, etc. Again it's a little fuzzy, but it got worse when he got to the 2nd floor. When you get to the top of the stairs, to the right there is their bedroom, and down a short hallway there is a bathroom and 2 bedrooms, one being my sister's old room. He went in to their room, and all I can remeber is him screaming over and over, "And you can just go F YOURSELF", all while slamming their bedroom door.
He did this for a while. All I know is that I, my mom, and my sibling all recorded it, but I am not willing to listen through that recording to figure out how long he was yelling at the top of the stairs, but the recording is 10 minutes and 47 seconds. Eventually his slamming of the door got too forceful, he broke the whole door frame, and the door ended up wedged in the staircase. He knocked himself out in this process somehow, and was out for a while. When his friend came (mom had called him), he even tried to fight him, but he was put into bed. He says he doesn't remember this whole night.
There was an intervention after, with mom and his friend, and he agreed to stop, or at least slow down. He didn't. There were some more screaming fits, and the last major one was in the beginning of December. But now, instead of screaming, he'll just get mad and snap at mom for nothing. I hate seeing her cry, and this affected my sibling and I as well. My sibling hates him, and is just waiting for him to die. They felt conflicted about this at first, but after father corrected himself after using their correct pronouns and made a comment around them about how anyone who's trans is just mentally ill, they lost the tiny sliver of affection they had for him. I have done my best to be a good older sister, assuring them it's normal, and helping them come to terms with their feelings. Now they just say we really are just waiting for him to die, and they feel nothing towards this idea.
Father has gone to therapy once, after a screaming fit where I wrote down how much him doing this made me want to die, but he says he doesn't want to go back. He continues to drink, and to not take his meds. My reason for this post was yesterday. Mother's Day.
Despite both mom and I working later than him, he still does minimal house work. If he does anything, it is to empty the dishwasher into the dish drainer, then bug mom for praise. Mom, sibling and I do almost all of the housework. I thought maybe he'd pitch in on mother's day, but no. I told mom she was not allowed to do any housework, and I did all of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. The only thing I couldn't do was cook. But then, as I'm cleaning off the countertop and the table, father walks in and asks mom, "So what are you planning on doing?"
I wanted to punch him. He had been drinking, too. He'd been at least slightly drunk since noon. But HOW DARE HE. I think that was when I lost all hope for him. Then mom said, "I was just gonna leave it to you", and he had the audacity to look surprised, and even a little mad. He then walked away, I think to get stuff, but I don't care. I looked at mom, and she had the same baffled, amazed, and angry look I assume was on my face. But she looked a little sad, too. He couldn't do even this one thing on his own, on mother's day.
I had been angry with him for a long time, but at that it just grew into this huge raging fire. I hate him. With every bit of me. His disrespect and unwillingness to fix himself made me want to scream at him, give him a taste of what he gave us. But I couldn't. For the rest of the evening, mom couldn't just sit there; he needed to know the temperature and time things needed to cook, and she was just so frustrated.
Everything's at a boiling point. I want to tell him off, tell him how I feel, how much he's hurt everyone, and just how much I hate him. But I know I can't. If I do, he'll take it out on mom. Mom's too stressed already, as her job is hard and she's saving to separate if needed. She won't divorce him, since he could take the house, though they are both on the title, and she doesn't want to risk it. He's unhealthy as it is, my sibling is right; we really are just waiting for his liver to give out from all of the alcohol. But still, I am having a hard time living in the same house.
Sorry for the length, I get long winded when emotional. I'm just ignoring him for now, but I feel like my emotions could explode any day. Please give any advice you have. Thank you all.
TL;DR!: My father who is abusive has made me reach my limit, but I can't say anything. If I do, he'll yell at my mom, and I don't want that. I can't move out and she doesn't want to risk a divorce, in fear of losing everything, what do I do?

I was born in 1989 and my parents got divorced when I was about 2 years-old. I clearly have no memory of this as I was too young. I spent the next 2 years (approximately) bounced from home to home. Living with aunts and random people who’d take me in. When I was 4 years-old my mother remarried some guy and moved us from NY to Miami. For the first 2 years or so I would hear from my father pretty consistently. He’d send me gifts and call me regularly to check up on me. Then all of a sudden all communication stopped. When I asked my mother for an explanation, she said she didn’t want to hurt my new step dad’s feelings. As you can imagine, that created a lot of tension between my step-dad and I. Then I was forced to call my step-dad “dad” and I wasn’t allowed to mention my father again. Around that time is when the physical abuse began at the hands of my step-father. Keep in mind that I was about 5 or 6 years-old and he was an adult and a 3rd degree black belt. He’d beat me so bad that I wasn’t allowed to go to school the next day. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over or have much of a social life. I was then sent to live with my mother’s aunt in another country without any kind of explanation. After spending some time there I was allowed to come back. But it wasn’t long before the abuse resumed at the hands of my step-father and the emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of my mother. On top of the abuse and everything else, they spread continued rumors about me stating that I was difficult and the cause of the problems. This continued for years till I was about 11 when my mother and I took a summer trip to the islands (where I’m from) and left me there. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No warning or explanation. I was left there for an entire year before I was able to come back home. Where once again the abuse began for another two years. When I turned 13, I hit puberty and grew about 6-inches and put on another 50lbs in weight. Keep in mind that my step father is 5’7 and now I tower over him at 6 feet tall. At this time I recognized that no one was coming to save me, as many family members knew I was being abused and kept it quiet. So I began defending myself and fighting back as much as I could. When I was younger my step father took to his martial arts classes at the request of my mother and when he saw how fast I was progressing, he pulled me out. He was all about maintaining dominance and control. Because I was older now, I made it clear that he doesn’t dictate my life and I began doing what I wanted despite what he wanted. I figured if I was going to do the time, I might as well commit the crime. This continued till I was 18 years old. By this point I could hold my own we were pretty evenly matched and I no longer feared or respected him as a man. After all, a man who beats on a defenseless child is not a real man in my opinion. Once I turned 18, I went to my mother and demanded she give me my father’s phone number. I planned on reaching out to him and hopefully at some point moving in with him back in NY. The next day after my phone call with my father I came home from work to find the house full of people. When I walked in, I quickly ushered into a room with my mother and my closest aunt. I thought someone died. I was then told that the man I spoke to wasn’t my biological father and that she wasn’t my biological mother. She told me my biological mother sold me to her and that my father died a few years ago. She knew he was sick but chose not say anything and let him die. After dropping this bomb on me, my step told me to pack my things and that I was no longer welcome in his house. I was only allowed to take a garbage bag of clothes and nothing else. The last thing my mother said to me as I was leaving was “you’re a stupid failure and you’re not welcome in my home”. So I left and dedicated the rest of my life to proving them wrong. My whole entire family has now turned their backs on me cause I refuse to have any communication with my “mother”. Years later she was in a car accident and was seriously injured and also tried to un-alive herself. A family member reached out for me to go see her and I politely declined. I told my “mother” that until she comes clean about all of the lies she told over the years about me, we couldn’t have a relationship. Not to mention I could never forgive her for robbing me of a relationship with my father before his death. AITA? Keep in mind, there was a lot of abuse and things I left out of here.

The Hanging Tree By John Westrick

The ball streaked towards little Jimmy Hanson, covering the distance uncomfortably fast. The scrawny boy two sizes too small with the aviator glasses, cringed out of the way. It landed directly where he had been standing, and like that the game ended.
“Damnit Jimmy, you're supposed to catch the ball not hide from it!” a fat kid with a glove on one hand cried.
A skinny boy with glasses turned from the pitcher's mound to look at Jimmy disdain clearly visible on his face, “This is the third run you’ve allowed, and you wonder why we never let you play with us. You’re dog shit! Actually, I apologize to all loads of shit out there, you’re even more useless. I’d prefer to have Roger Morris on our team and he can’t see a damn thing with those bug eyes.”
An easy-going boy with blonde shaggy hair and a confident smile strolled up to Jimmy, extending his hand to assist, and said, “Here let me help you up. After all, you're the best player on our team. MVP hands down. Come on boys, give him a cheer!”
The boys chanted Jimmy’s name in a mocking parade of triumph.
“I don’t need your help, David,” said Jimmy.
Dirt smeared and face growing hot, the embarrassed boy attempted to climb to his feet. The hand extended to help, struck lightning-fast, catching the smaller boy squarely in the chest. With a groan of pain, the dirty boy hit the ground for the second time that afternoon.
“Well, if I knew you liked to eat dirt so much, I never would’ve offered to help,” said David, a wolfish smile forming on the landscape of his face.
A chorus of cruel laughter echoed all around.
“I hate you David Baxly,” said the wheezing boy.
David looked at Jimmy with disgust, giving him a savage kick to his left kidney. “Why don’t you do us all a favor and die. I doubt even your family would miss you.”
The rest of the boys walked away leaving the bleeding Jimmy whimpering on the ground.
No longer crying from pain but seething anger, slowly he began to crawl to his feet. “I wish I could go somewhere else. Just pick up and move and never have to see those shitheads ever again,” said Jimmy speaking to no one in particular.
It was thoughts of revenge that occupied his mind, half-baked plans, he didn't have the courage to act upon. No matter, it wasn’t revenge he truly sought, but a friend. The idea of having people look at him and truly see him. Humiliation for David Baxly was just an added bonus.
The bloody boy was still fantasizing about these things, when he found himself staring at the intersection of Jackson and main street in the sleepy town of Brookhollow, Tennessee. Brookhollow is like many rural towns, so tiny that it doesn’t even appear on the map. There are 876 residents in the tight-knit community, according to the 2008 census. Main street boasts one general store, a gas station, the town hall, and Debbie’s Diner.
It was on the outside of the later building that he saw the missing sign of Jack Dunkin, a 12-year-old boy from a neighboring town a few miles to the west. Jack was from Polk, a slightly larger town and known rival to Brookhollow. Even though Jack was in the same grade as Jimmy, they had never met.
Jimmy looked at the picture and saw that the boy had been missing for nearly 3 months. He wondered how his mom would react if he was missing that long; he reached the conclusion that she probably wouldn’t even notice. Ever since she took that job at Debbie’s to pay for the remainder of her husband’s gambling debts, she was hardly even home.
She was gone when he woke and didn't come back too well after he was asleep. The only time Jimmy had any communication with Laura Hanson was on Sundays. Even this small exposure was tainted by the bone deep exhaustion. She may have been present, even so, she wasn't there. Laura wakes, eats, drinks, uses the bathroom; yet she isn't really living. She reminded the boy of those cheesy horror movies they sometimes play late at night. The walking dead.
As little as his interaction with Laura, at least she still lived in the ramshackle motorhome right off the main highway. His dad, if he even still qualified to be called that, left some time back, draining the joint bank account and leaving the two of them penniless. Jimmy didn’t even know where he stayed, let alone had a phone number for the bastard. A few years back he received a postcard from him. He was shelled up in some two-bit motel in the thriving city of Las Vegas. On the back of the card was a charming little note, it said, “Jimmy, I wish you could see the city. Maybe you could come out and visit. I’d love for you to come and hang with my friends. Ps. Could you have your mom send me some money, I’m in a little bit of trouble here.
This led to his first real fight with his mom. He was adamant on going and meeting his father, thinking that if he got to know him he could change him. Bring him back. His mom wanted nothing to do with the man, nor did she want her son to be hurt again. The argument got heated and words were exchanged. In the end, he stayed, but some things chafe over time. Things were never quite the same.
If the boy was honest with himself, he would have to admit there is no one in his life. He has no friends in school, there is no one waiting for him at home, and he is not a part of any extracurricular activities. He goes to school, comes home, does his homework, makes dinner for his mom, and goes to bed. It has never occurred to him that he is lonely, the fact is he has never known anything else.
Jimmy doesn’t actually live in Brookhollow, his house is about two miles north up highway 29. He lives outside of the school’s jurisdiction, so he is unable to take the bus. He walks to school every day. The walk is peaceful and he actually looks forward to it. The boy possesses an overactive imagination and gets lost in his fantasies. A little less today, his ribs ache with every step. But not even this inconvenience can ruin the solitary 2-mile trek back home. He makes no turns, highway 29 is main street. All he needs to do is walk straight and he will arrive at his house.
But he is not walking in rural Tennessee anymore. He is a pioneer exploring the Great Frontier. Native Americans and wolves stalk him at night, he must be aware of the dangers that lie beyond every turn. He can see his way through any situation with the help of his trusty companion and best friend, One-eyed Pete. Pete used to be an outlaw that robbed and cheated people, but changed his ways when Jimmy saved him from being hung on the hanging tree.
A shutter runs through his body every time he remembers the hanging tree. It’s the largest oak he had ever seen. He loves to climb trees but would never dream of climbing that one. It is twisted, not a single leaf on its branches. If evil was ever a location, it would be at the heart of that gnarled tree. Jimmy doesn’t like to think about it. It always seems to ruin his mood. Poison his mind. His fantasies always turn darker when he thinks of the oak.
Suddenly he is aware of exactly how alone he is. A full mile out from the safety of the town. No one is nearby. It’s just him, the trees, and his own tormented imagination. He wishes he wouldn’t have thought of that tree. He wishes he had a dad to pick him up from school, but there is no rescue for him. In Jimmy’s experience, heroes only exist in the story books.
“The hanging tree is in your mind, Jimmy, it isn't real,” he tells himself over and over as if to ward away evil. And why not? For that tree is most definitely evil, the hideous villain in an insidious plot.
In the primal portion of his mind, he senses danger. The same skittish feeling the antelope experiences shortly before the concealed lion pounces and feasts on flesh.
“Trees don’t eat little boys,” murmurs the frightened boy.
“Maybe so, yet that oak could hardly be classified in the same league as other trees,” responds his own treasonous thoughts.
The boy's mind splinters; warring factions jockeying for supremacy. Paranoia seizes him, inky black hands clawing the air out of his lungs. A young boy unaware of the inward mutiny happening amidst his own wits, completely left to his own demented imagination. Yet, the stakes of this adventure are a great deal higher than any he has yet to experience.
His mother was fond of telling him, “What you think, you become.”
A truly awful thought slinks into his mind unbidden. What if the stories his mind conjures could gain reality too? The thought overwhelms the boy. His eyes shift back and forth searching for threats. Jimmy’s senses are keen to his surroundings. Every twig snapping, a creature stalking. Every bush rustling, a hungry beast ready to devour. Yet, the petty fears of a child's tormented mind pales to the unearthly wrongness of the hanging tree.
“What if mom is right?” says the concerned boy to the emptiness. At this unwelcome thought the boy slams his eyes closed in a futile attempt to banish the horrific idea.
“The hanging tree isn’t real,” says Jimmy, knowing in his heart this isn’t true. In the back of his mind, the boy is certain that the moment he opens his eyes, he will see it. He will see the strands of rope dangling from the gnarled branches. He will smell the smell of decaying bodies. He will hear the creak of rope swaying gently in the cool breeze.
The boy doubles his efforts in a vain attempt to keep his eyes closed. He sees red due to the strain he is putting on his muscles. He hears the steady pulse of his blood rushing in his head. The boy also understands that all this effort is for naught. He must open his eyes at some point. Jealousy creeps into the boy’s heart. Envy for the man born without sight. For the boy understands the moment he sees, there will be no coming back.
The moment has come.
Jimmy can no longer keep his eyes shut. Seconds before his eyes fling open, he feels the gentle touch of someone's hand on his shoulder. This touch startles him, and the boy throws wide his eyes.
Sure enough a few hundred yards in front of him, stands the abomination. A lone tree on the top of a bald, scarred hill. Not a living thing to be seen. No vegetation growing on the hill, no squirrels scuttling about, just a great oak, standing; an obscene gesture to the god of this world. The only fruit of this tree the decaying flesh of dead men, and likewise, the only cup the curdled blood of those hanging. A final meal set for the boy, an unholy communion.
The hand, whose was it? Was it even human? The little boy left visibly shaking at the touch of the unknown. Is this death? The icy grip of the Reaper himself here to harvest with his scythe. No marriage, no children, not knowing the pleasures of true friendship. Life cut short, a lamentable state of affairs.
It was in this line of thought, where true courage was mustered. A strength measured not by the size of his muscles or the amount one could lift, but the more impressive type, the type quantified in the amount of shit one can wade. Identified in the amount of crap hands dealt without bowing out altogether. Young Jimmy Hanson did the unthinkable, he turned and faced death looking it in the eyes.
Eyes, yes, but death perhaps not. It was no titan of horror, nor was it the poster child of demented evil. Child it was, but this boy was familiar. Not anyone from his class, yet he knew the boy. In a moment of clarity, he recognized him. It was the missing kid, Jack Dunkin.
He looked identical to the poster on the side of Debbie’s Diner. He wore the same black and white Van’s tee shirt, ripped blue jeans, and some tattered Nike tennis shoes. The thoroughly terrified Jimmy stood staring at the missing boy, mouth ajar.
Jack with an easy-going grin plastered on his face, said, “It's about time, someone comes looking for me. I've been waiting for you Jimmy, far too long.”
With an audible click the boy shut his gaping mouth and responded, “Ja- Jack, you've been missing for nearly three months. Have you been out here all along? Are you alone? Are you hurt?” Jimmy fired these questions in rapid succession, growing more suspicious with each word.
“I’ve been right here, waiting for you to come and play with me. You see, I am like you. I never had anyone to play with either. Now you are here, and you must stay with me,” said the bigger boy with a smile on his face.
Jimmy’s mind quieted, for the first time in his life he saw himself clearly. A boy with no friends, no father, hardly a mother, bullied every day, and no way of escape. Clarity revealed the harsh truth. A day had not gone by that he wasn’t lonely. There was no one in his life. There was no life for him.
The undersized boy looked at the other with longing in his eyes. He thirsted for a friend, like a man lost at sea. He hungered for companionship, like a man stuck in the wilderness. It wasn’t just a desire; he was desperate for a friend. If the bigger boy would leave, Jimmy felt as if his soul would tear in half. His heart would shatter into a thousand pieces unable to be put back together. The boys' eyes were a mirror reflecting the same sad truth, they understood each other. Both had lived, and neither had anyone to share it with.
The boys bound by shared hardships grasped onto each other refusing to let go. The combined burden of loneliness lessened by two backs, instead of one.
With few words exchanged, the two of them created soul ties. Not the ties of lovers, but of lifelong friends. The type one dies for. The rare type of friendship that most people never form in their entire life. It was rich. It was wholesome. Jimmy felt as if his life was complete. The one thing he always desired truly fulfilled.
Jack grabbed the smaller boy’s hand and guided him towards the tree.
Jimmy, not wanting to get anywhere near that monstrosity, tried to pull back.
“Don’t worry. The tree is a good place. It will take us to a new land filled with boys and girls just like you and I. No David’s or bullies like him,” said a smiling Jack.
“How did you know about David? You’ve been missing all this time,” said a concerned looking Jimmy.
“Jimmy, I hear whispers. My friends tell me things. They will tell you secrets too. If you want to be friends with me, that is.” The bigger boy looked down at his ragged shoes. He looked so pitiful and Jimmy was so starved for companionship, how could he not follow the boy.
Jack led the two of them to the scarred trunk of the tree. Here he let go of Jimmy’s hand, telling the boy, “Do exactly what I do.”
Jimmy’s fear bottled up deep in his guts. He felt as if he was going to explode. The tree was sinister and twisted. Evil through and through. Yet, the little boy had never had a friend. He was not willing to throw that away so easily.
Jack walked to the lowest hanging branch. He reached up and grabbed one of the dangling nooses. He wrapped it around his neck and looked at Jimmy. “Don’t worry, no pain is felt. The hanging tree is magic. You’ll close your eyes on this world, and wake up in a better place with me and all of my friends,” said a smiling Jack.
“Ja-Jack, I don’t think I can do this. It seems dangerous. I need to go back home soon. My mom will be waiting for me,” said a terrified Jimmy.
A heartbroken Jack looked at the smaller boy and said, “Jimmy, I can’t believe you would lie to me. Your mom isn’t home and she wouldn’t even notice that you are missing. Come with me. I am the only one who cares for you.”
Tears streaming down the smaller boy’s face, he responded, “Please don’t make me do it! This place frightens me. Can’t you just come home with me?”
“No! This world despises people like you and me. We weren’t made for it. We were made for the hanging tree. This is where you belong,” snarled the bigger boy.
Jimmy, eyes still running, reached with trembling hands for the dangling noose. He seized it. With one final glance at his friend, the little boy placed the loop around his neck. Immediately the noose drew tight. It felt as if the tree was hauling him up by it. The boy kicked and squirmed. Trying to shout for help, but his airflow was cut off. He managed to make a choking noise, then with one final twitch all was still. Still as the glassy surface of a lake on a spring day.
Little Jimmy Hanson had finally made a friend.
The two boys remained dangling together, gently swaying in the stale autumn breeze.

SPOILERS FOR THE DLC AHEAD.
I am a big fan of Kingdoms of Amalur. I discovered it years ago through YouTube, fell in love with the characters and the world and the story and at Christmas, I recieved the game and got to play it myself. I finished the story, ended the war, explored the Teeth of Naros and hunted the Dead Kel on Gallow's End....and was very curious what would happen in Fatesworn. I had avoided most spoilers but got the inpression that many were dissapointed by it. So I prepared myself.
Fatesworn is.....odd. Mithros is a beautiful region. I love the ice and snow, the northern lights, and the new ruins. I like many of the characters they introduced. Colette and her band are nice, Ivan is great, Maisie is a very sweet woman... Making the Fateless One basically Mithros' version of Batman was certainly a....twist I didn't see coming. Some of the new weapons and armor sets are pretty nice looking. In those regards the DLC is great. Very enjoyable.
The things that make Fatesworn less enjoyable however are all related to the story. Both the leader of the Fateweavers and Skald feel out of place to me. They don't fit as nicely into the story as the other characters. Especially Skald. I am getting slight "Delphine" vibes from her. Something about this woman doesn't sit right with me. Also, is she supposed to be part of this Secret Organisation me and Alyn were part of?
Then we have Telogrus. The God of Chaos and King of Destruction. I couldn't quite connect with him. He feels like he should play a bigger part and do more. Sow Discord. Manipulate. Or at least taunt us telepathically instead of sending just another Niskaru. Despite being much, much less powerful, the Dead Kel left more of an impression on me than Telogrus. I expected to....maybe chase him through his Chaos Dimension or dive into his mind to seperate Wulf and Telogrus. Nope. It's just a straight forward fight against a man in the ugliest armor I have ever see. A part of me actually expected to see the "King" of the House of Sorrows again. We're supposedly traveling to Esharra and the "King" is staying in Esharra to guard the Sorrows. What a perfect opportunity for a cameo and to ask for help or at least advice from an old friend!
Chaos and everything that has to do with it. I was aware that the Niskaru Demons would be a big threat in the DLC, but I underestimated how much Skald Atlas alone could use the word "Chaos". Chaos this, Chaos that.....I get it. Please stop. Call it The Big Purple Spooky Thing for all I care! Chaos Enemies are annoying. I didn't like Shielded Enemies in The Secret World and I don't like them in Fatesworn. The Chaos-colored Spiders and Trolls looked kinda cool but after the fifth Portal I was starting to get sick of them already. Purple might be my least favorite color after this DLC. 😤
The Unbound. I admit, I still don't know how to feel about the Unbound. I was intrigued at first, expecting a faction I could help create.....only for it to turn into a religion. A part of me felt weird about this, not wanting to be turned into a Saint, but another part of me wanted to see where things would go. As it turned out: nowhere. I am not there once and immediately all Hell breaks loose: people die, spirits get broken and I get blamed for not being omniscient and protecting the followers that I didn't ask for. The Unbound make me a bit sad. Not just because they are a tiny group in a ruined temple but because I feel like their quest didn't really go anywhere. Sure, the attack is a big blow, but shouldn't they be able to recover? Same with the Giant Slayer Quest. I expected a small adventure with an experienced Monsterhunter....instead I end up being the Asshole for taking out all his targets.
And then there is, of course, the part that surprised me the the most: The Ending.
When I heard about "The Fateless One has a dissapointing ending" I expected something bizarre like somehow becoming a god and dragging Telogrus back to Esharra or sacrifcing myself to repair the damage done to the web of fate. Both didn't sound very plausible. The actual ending is more mundane but no less weird and dissapointing. In the Elder Scrolls Games the heroes vanish too but it's usually painted as their free choice. In Fatesworn we pretty much have to leave if we don't want to doom Amalur and ,according to Alyn, apparantly we never come back. What kind of ending is that supposed to be? Listen, Game. I have a castle on Gallow's End that needs to be ruled over! I have a Champion Title in the House of Valor that needs to be defended! It is a sad ending but for me it is mostly a dissapointing ending.

Hi, I’m 23F. Yesterday I broke down in front of my family and basically, I ruined Mother’s Day. I personally feel like I am NOT the asshole but my family thinks otherwise.
Important context: My mom died 13 years ago. After she died I pretty much took on the ‘mom’ role at 10 years old. I pretty much raised my brothers and became my dad’s emotional support which has become a huge burden for me.
I can’t go into too much detail but I cook, clean, take my brothers to appointments, I’ve attended parent teacher conferences, etc. I may not be a mother, but I sure as hell acted like one for the last 13 years.
So, yesterday morning, I expected I’d get a break. A break from cleaning, and cooking, doing the dishes, everything. Maybe this is selfish of me but I expected flowers or something. But no.
The first thing said to me yesterday morning was “Do this dishes and clean the kitchen.” I was upset but I did it.
Then later, my dad told me to cook dinner for everyone. That’s when I lost it. I started sobbing in front of my entire family and, yes, I screamed at them. I just let everything that I’ve been holding on for 13 years out. I told my family I was sick of them being unappreciative, and how extremely unloved I felt. My brothers stayed silent as my dad yelled at me and told me how ungrateful I was, and that on Father’s day he doesn’t expect to “sit around and do nothing.”
I went down to my room sobbing. Nobody came to check on me. Nobody sent a text asking if I was okay. And then, they ate dinner without me.
So. AITA for ruining mother’s day?
EDIT: I also want to add that usually, we take flowers to my mom’s grave on mother’s day. This year, my dad didn’t get any flowers. So I went and bought some myself and pretty much had to drag my family out to her grave with me. Maybe that was insensitive of me, there were probably reasons why they didn’t want to go. It just felt strange that they were willing to simply NOT do something we’ve done every single year.

Okay, fourth rewrite, I'm making this in hopes that their is someone who can help me in some way. Maybe someone knows the answer to it all and can guide me, though unlikely. I'll just list out all my issues in seperate paragraphs and hopefully their is just someone out their to help, if you can help me just please do, I really need help or at least someone and you reading this and giving me advice would truly mean a lot to me. Anyways
I feel stupid: I honestly feel braindead, I hate my mind so much. Sometimes it's hard to think or do, sometimes I can't think or do. My mind is so numb, everything about my mind just feels wrong and dead. My mind has felt dead for a year or two now and I just wish it was alive, I want my mind to be normol, I want it to actually work. I also want confidence in my mind, any failure or lack of underatanding makes me defeated and feeling like a dunce. Anything I can do I say was just luck or something anyone should know. I don't know if I'm stupid or not but dam I feel like I am the dumbest in a room. I would give it all to be intelliegent, I wish I was smart, well read, well informed, well versed. I so desperately want to know, so desperately want to be smart. I wish I could understand stuff. I just want to be smart and have a bright alive mind, but my mind is so dead and desolate and compared to the rest worthless. I hit myself in my head whenever I'm mistaken or just feel so stupid, and I honestly deserve it. If I were to kill myself my mind being numb and stupid would be the reason or a big reason why, I just want to be smart. You can likely tell just how much of an idiot I am by reading this via grammer, spelling, complaints. That "likely" was meant to be "probaboly" but I'm just stupid and worthless to spell. If there was just a way to be smart and not such a moron, I fucking hate my life.
I have body issues: I without doubt have body issues, the biggest of which is my weight. As of now I am 5,9 (1.7M) and 211lbs (95.7KG), I was 246lbs (111kg) to begin with and it was also my heaviest. Despite losing a good amount of weight I am not happy and have no pride, I'm still fat and thats all I see sadly. I don't want to be fat or skinny, I want to be muscular:big arms, built chest, flat stomach, no abs (don't like them) that sounds appealing, it's what I want. Unfourtunely I as of now can't work to this goal, I don't have money for a gym or equipment, famliy funds can't do it ethier and awhile ago I turned down a weight bench since I wasn't confident, now I regret that choice. I hate being fat so much, and this deep hatred and desperation has led to a embarassing cycle, for two years now I have been downloading images of muscular bodies. They're all drawings or from videogames since I'm to embarresed to have real images and as mentioned it's a cycle, Download and store -> have them and look at them for awhile -> get ashamed of myself -> purge it all -> regret -> repeat. Like stated this has been going for two years and as of now I have ten different images. Apart from weight I also have some other physical insecurites, acne being a big one. I been suffering from acne for years, fifth grade, early sixth grade is when it started so five years of this. It mostly effects my chin and cheeks badly but also effects more of my face, sometimes the acne hurts and it often even bleeds. I hate touching my face and feeling grime and ripping off a bunch of skin and dried shit. I wash every night and try to be frequent with morning witch-hazel but it dosen't relent. I also hate it when it gets mentioned, it is irratating to be reminded and noticed and nobody points it out more then my own mom who also cliams it would go if I just washed. I do, I fucking do! It's not working and you don't understand that! I also have body acne I don't know how to fix, I like sleeping shirtless which I know is the reason, also inconsistent with bedding which isn't right. Even if I did wash sheets weekly it wouldn't be enough, I would still get acne on my body. I just want to sleep shirtless and not get acne, I wish I could find a way. Another insecurite but not really is my height, I don't mind being 5'9/5'10 I mean it's about average height and I beat out my 5'4 father. But I'm sixteen which mean I still have possibilty to get taller and I wonder, will I? If I do, just how tall? Could I reach 6'0+? All of this speculation makes me a bit insecure, also with being fat I look short and round in the mirror which is defeating. I'm secure besides speculation and weight but at the same time I truly want to be taller, I think any man tall or short wishes they were taller, I wish I could break 6'0 that would be cool (to me). But I don't think that will ever happen, my dad is 5'4, my mom is 5'6 I made it 5'9/5'10 and my chart is stagnating, should just stop thinking I'll get taller. Another phsyical insecurite and likely the last one I'll mention unless I think of another worthwhile one is my hair, I'm insecurie of my hairstyle. Or lack of hairstyle, my mom says I have independence in this choice but whenever I make a choice she complains about it. Any agreement is one sided or changed up a little so she likes it. I have always hated my hairstyles over the years, even now and as of now it's ethier her way or a unorgainzied thick mess that will soon be her way. I hate it, wish I could make my own "independent" choice, even if I could my mom would likely hate it and always bring it up which is something I don't want to deal with. My mom is more for short cuts and fades etc, I hate fades and while I do admire short hair have always taken liking to shagger and longer styles, more rugged style. I have also always liked long hair and even wanted it. I used to openly want long hair for a long time but my mom opposed, I tried to convince her but she was opposed. She wasn't only opposed to it she made sure to express that it was gay and feminine etc, etc. She made me close off and forgot the desire but even now she won't let go. She is so sure to tell everyone: famliy, her friends, the hairdresser, hell maybe even strangers, she tells everyone about how much I wanted it and what she thought of it etc. Often I have been embarresed like this while I was right there, I have expressed that this embarreses me and want it to stop mutiple times yet she'll continue almost as if it's purposeful, she will also bring up an old friend T who had long hair as an example of it looking bad. But he didn't take care of it or do anything, most he would do is give into his moms begging and have her brush it. If I had long hair I would actually take care of it and do stuff to it! She also claims I got the idea from him, but no I liked it since elementary being inspired by personal inkling and rock. I no longer want hair but am starting to find styles I really like, but first I need to get my mom to fuck off. And second I would want to grow a beard, which is another issue of mine. I'm sixteen I shouldn't expect a full beard but I have seen peers with actual good facial hair, patchy beards, five o'clocks, some actually have a beard. Then there is me, with some sideburns and a bunch of peachfuzz, I want to be able to grow a beard and the peachfuzz plus sideburns bother me, I want it to actually devlop, I want a beard. I am also worried about devlopment, worried acne will hurt or even stop growth. I'm upset about my lack of growth though I definetly have unrealistic expectations. Lastly with hair is my chest hair, I'm quite hairy and I like it. And I have chest hair but barely and I just wish I had more over a greater coverage, more of a funny insecurite, lol. One more insecurity I forgot about is my voice. I'm loud when talking and my voice isn't as deep as I wish so that sucks.
(copy and paste from older write) I wish I had a father: I don't have a father or any form of father figure, I'm fatherless and it hurts a lot. My father has been out of my life since I was elevenish/twelveish (the peak of covid passed), we kicked him out because he is and was a meth addict in and out of the jail. He was a fuctioning addict so not violent and not as obvious of an addict but the meth still took him over. My mother says she kept him around and gave him so many chances because she wanted him to be in my life as a father. But he was no father when he was around, he didn't parent me, he didn't play his role as a father and guide as a masculine role model, hell he likely didn't even truly care for me. My only memories of him really are going to McDonold's with him, after which he dumpster dived behind the plaza as I begged for us to go back home. Or me wanting to bond with him so he sets up the brilliant idea of dragging me around with his skechy friends, to skechy places, even at skechy times. I don't understand why I knew sooner, guess I was a stupid basterd but I started picking up that my dad was a bad person around fifth grade. By then I quickly found out more and more and tenstion was growing, by eleven we we're going to kick him out but covid struck it's height and our household seemed palpable. But very quickly we said fuck it and threw him to the curb, we weren't going to have it no longer. Soon after around thirteen I was happy that he was gone but slightly disappointed that I no longer had a father (even if he was useless) and I hoped my mom would find someone, not only for herself but for me. By fourteen this really layed in heavy on me and the lack of a father really bummed me out, I got really stupid and desperate using bitlife to create guys then add me and my mom in to create step father famlies even adding step siblings and shit. By late fourteen it was made clear to me by my mom that "we don't need no man" and that she was done with dating. I very well do need a father figure, every child needs one. Hell I as a guy truly need(ed) one, there are so many lessons and things that come from a fatheson relationship that are crucial to a boy and I missed out on them. Hell even when my dad was around I missed out on lessons, I still remember he was tasked to teach me how to tie my shoes but got mad at me struggling and walked away. He refused to help afterward and I refused to try and never to this day learned the proper way to tie, instead I have my own far less efficent method. I missed out on so much by not having a father and it hurts to know that and I just wish I had the knowledge, without a masculine role model I have definetly missed out what it is to be a man and likely am even a loser of a man. I just want a father so badly, I want what a father provides so badly, I want the bond that it comes with. I wish I just had a guy to talk to and bond with, I want a dad just so badly. I wish I had someone who taught me how to change a tire or fish and all that shit, but I'll never have it and it angers me, I am angry to be fatherless, I am angry and lost without a father figure, and I'm jealous. I kind of want to have children when the time comes, I wonder if I'll fail them as well.
Friends: Growing up I was always a bit introverted, I think it was of my nature but was amplafied by life. In elementary I often acquainted myself with people never having any close friends outside my after school program. Jumping to middle school I had a good friend-group but it turned out my good friend T was really an ass and I was pushed out by him in early nineth grade. Later in nineth I met my good friend, my best friend M. This year in tenth I was introduced to a friend named D by M. These are my only two friends and I'm happy with them, though there are a few issues. Not anything major but just a few things, like how we never do anything outside of school. The only thing I really miss about my old friendgroup is that we actually did shit: springs, houses, events, parks, attractions, food. Now me, M and, D don't and have never done anything outside of school and the computer. M likely couldn't do anything because of his famliy and D just seems completely disinterested and worried about money. But I wish we could really do something, sure videogames are fun but it would be fun if we could just goof off somewhere, be stupid. This is really the only general "issue" apart from that no major strain or issue in the friendgroup. But I do have a few personal grievences, starting with D. I think D has a darker side of him, he seems to not respect or care for me and will sometimes show it in nasty ways. He had told both me and M to kill ourselves, he attacks insecurites, he says rude shit, etc. Also with D, we have never truly connected, never gotten to know each other personally. Without M we would be mere acquaintance, M is the only reason why me and D are friends and being alone with each other is mostly silence and maybe him showing me a TikTok. Then M, I have no personal issues with M only small factors of our friendship I'm upset or worried about. Starting off with is school, halfway through this year (tenth) M started a FLVS-hybrid. I am happy for him and it's something we both expressed wanting but now I never really see him. I could see him at lunch but he dosen't really come in and only other time I can see him is leaving campus. I ethier catch him and barely have a conversation worthwhile or he's to far ahead and I got to give up trying to reach him. The only way to talk to my best friend nowadays really is Discord, and that isn't even reliable since his parents are often controlling the WI-FI or taking his stuff away. This means when I do talk to my friend it can suddenly be ended as he disconnects or I can't even. This sucks, it feels like I can't even talk to my best friend that much. But that isn't all, because I'm worried for my friend M. His parents don't sound the best from all he's told me, I won't share his issues but just as an example he didn't have a bedroom for two months. Hearing what we gose through is alreadly dishearting but something that I worry deeply about is him talking sucide. He has talked and half joked about it several times and it's worry, I been trying to discourage but he continues with it so now I'm just trying to ignore it. That is likely the wrong way of handling it but I just don't know what to do. I hope it's always bluff and he moves out and moves on with he can, I don't want him to kill himself.
I'm lonely: I'm sixteen but I'm lonely. I am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a relationship, I am not the most worried about that, I don't want to date just to date, I want to date to love. But hell I still wish I had a relationship, even just a sterotypical high-school one. But what I truly want is true love, I want a woman I love with all my heart and a woman who loves me with all of hers, I want a woman to provide for, to protect, to matter to. I want to marry and possibly have kids. I want to love someone, be there for someone. But will I ever even have that? I'm alreadly a loser who no woman would want and even then from what I've heard, "modren dating is terrible" so what chance do I even have? Will I ever have someone to love? I hope.
School: School makes me so misereble and dead, this place makes me genuinely want to off myself I hate it so much. And it seems to revolve around my whole life, even at home it's all my mom wants to bring up. I just need a break from it all but it seems like it's the only thing in my life, I don't really have anything else. I failed my nineth grade year, I failed since I'm a stupid, worthless peice of shit. But they "passed" me onto tenth, gave me tenth grade classes, test, etc but say I'm still nineth, tell me do nineth grade "remedation" online. Now I'm failing like a worthless peice of shit once again! I wish they held me back to try again but they didn't they just pushed me on, still likely would've failed like a worthless bitch but I could have had a chance. I fucking hate myself I'm so stupid and I hate my school for pushing my stupid ass onward and onward, I should just kill myself at this point. And when I try to reach out to my counselor in any hope for some chance of help the piss poor communcation at this school means it'll take days for a response, I can't even get reliable help over school. Back in middle school I had a GPA in the high 3s, I made honor roll every other quater or so, I had high grades and sucess. But in high-school, in nineth grade I failed with straight Fs and got a GPA of 0.7, now in tenth I have a 1.7 and sometimes get high grades but mostly fail. I just wish I wasn't so stupid, I just wish I was smart and successful at school. But I'm not, I'm a fucking idiot and an embarssment at school. And maybe it would all be okay if it wasn't for the assholes I am surrounded by, my fellow peers of this overcrowded hell hole. Just seems like I can never catch a break with having to deal with people. I just want to be left alone but they're is just always somebody wanting to bother me, harass me. Can sit at a desk then have a bunch of cunts around me, harass me, call me burgundy because of my shirt. Can sit down and be snickered at by the guys in front of me for whatever reason. Sit down and have paper, pencils, even ice hitting me. Sit down and have some imbecible pull up a chair and use my desk as his and block me in my seat because fuck me, am I right? Just want to be left alone but never am, nobody ever dose it's always something. I can't even get respect, not a single bit, just always mistreated. Hell just the other day when I was given my packet I was also mistakenly given the packet of a nearby girl, I get her attention and hand it to her and she just snaches it and mumbles something, because I can't even be respected, I'm worthless. And even when I'm not being directly bothered I got to deal with slow walkers, idiots who don't know how to inconvience everyone else in the halls, the over crowded school. It all fucking sucks I hate it all, everyday I think I'm on the verge of snapping but somehow just have more patience, I don't know how much more of this shit I can or have to endure. At least my mom finally reconsidered my old forgotten pleads for online school and reopened the idea, maybe by some miracle online school will save me and "help me get caught up and ahead" but I doubt it, I'm an idiot who deserves to die. Why am I so fucking stupid, why am I like this? Why must I exist this way?
No hobbies or interest: I used to love a lot of things: reading, history, coming up with things in my head, videogames and, anything really. Now I have grown apathic to it all except videogames and even that dosen't bring much joy. I want to have my old hobbies back but lack the will to return. And I want new hobbies but yet lack will but also lacking knowing what I want to try. I'm lost with my freetime, it's all bleek and I want to fill my life with pastion. I still love videogames, always will but I need more then just gaming, I want more then gaming. I just want something, anything. I don't want to have such a lack of interest, God I fucking hate my life.
I have no future career goals: I'm sixteen and have no idea on what I want to do as an adult, some may say thats okay but it's not, not for me at least. I want to have a goal in the adult world, and even if that goal led to a path I don't like then I can always go down another path. Despite having no idea on what to do I at least know I don't want to be in an office. I could handle an office job, and be content with an office job but an office job isn't me, it isn't what sounds interesting, I would likely do blue collar or be my own boss. Some jobs I've considered and would do still are: police, SWAT police, house flipper, 911 operator, port worker, mechanic or something tinkeassemble like, enterpuner my book, film and games ideas or, open a store or bar or something. These are some jobs I've considered in the past that I would still see myself doing, I have also pondered over military/reserve but not sure. My childhood dream career that I still have a desire for is SWAT but I don't think I have what it takes, in fact I don't think I have what it takes for anything. I think all my life is destined to is dying homeless on a street corner, it's all I'll ever be "worthless".
I had so much planned, now failed: At age fourteen I planned to by now have a license, a job, a banking account, start savings. I planned to lose weight, I planned to have an idea outside of school, I had a plan. But I'm just a worthless peice of shit and a failure to myself, I don't even have a permit, no job, no savings, still fat, have no idea about the future, I failed myself.
Fidgeting: I can't stop but want to, at school I can't help but twiral a pencil around. I do it all the time at school but been trying to stop, I hate doing it. Worst part is I'm being immated by worthless cunts by it which is annoying. I want to stop this.
Masterbation addiction: I have a severe and low life addiction to masterbation. I do it at least once a day and sometimes mutiple times a day. The longest I was ever able to refrain was just a little over a week and only failed because I got bored. I need to jerk it to be able to sleep unless I'm desperately tired but even then. Also since I "need" it to sleep I regulary soil my sweatpants then sleep in it which is nasty. I can't control this vice, this low appetite and I'm deeply unhappy about it. Also unhappy that I might be ruining my endurence, a bit TMI but just another reason why this is harmful. I want to refrain or atleast drasticly cut out this pratice and fix myself.
I likely have more issues eating me inside as I waste away as a shell of a person but I can't really think of them. I am told my mom is looking into thearpy so that might be nice. Please just help me, I'm so lost and broken, I sometimes consider just ending it all but I just hope it can get good.

The following is an original work of fan fiction. It will only make sense if you’ve read Corpies and SP4
“Fucking bullshit cock-garglers!”, Hannah, formerly known as Hexcellent, uttered louder than she intended.
Luckily, she was sitting by herself in a third floor private room in the brand new wing of the Sizemore undergraduate library. On the main floor, any sound louder than a fart would’ve earned a collective, “shhhhh,” and annoyed stares from half the people studying. And frankly, as difficult as these Gen Chem practice exams were, the former PEERS would be spitting out a few more expletives before she was done.
Hannah glanced at her watch and sighed heavily. It was 4:43 PM. She still had two and a half hours before she’d need to head to the lift to meet Devon and Kacey, two other first year HCP students, for some evening training. Okay, you got this girl. You just fucked up some amped criminal supers, you can handle goddamn mass to mole composition formula and stoichiom-whatever-the-fuck, she thought to herself. With resigned determination, the HCP student began swiping through class presentation slides on her tablet, reviewing problems she had trouble with. For a solid 2 hours her eyes never left the material and she honestly started to feel more comfortable with what she needed to know. Hannah was in the zone. That was until she was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“What. The actual. Fuck?“, Hannah said slowly as she looked up towards the door and the adjacent window.
The summoner saw two boys standing outside , one of whom was a short muscular guy with dark brown hair that she recognized. She was fairly certain his name Lucas, and that he was another HCP first year. He was in the alternative class though, while Hannah was in combat, so they hadn’t been around each other a whole hell of a lot. The other seemed familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger or on where she’d seen him before. They were each moving their mouths, and pointing a finger at themselves and into the room clearly asking if they could come in. Hannah got up and opened the door.
“Hey, Helen, right? You think that we can study in here with you? All the good tables downstairs are full. I just met Tristan here and he’s in the same predicament as me,” said Lucas before he lowered his voice to a whisper, leaned his head in, and pointed to the boy he referred to as Tristan. “He’s in the same ummm…special program as us. In his 2nd year.”
With that information, Hannah realized where she’d seen that guy. He was at the freshman party hosted by the second years. She remembered thinking that he came off as kind of a douchebag by the way he was standing around, nursing the same drink with a smug look on his face the whole time.
“Yeah, sure, whatever. As long as you guys dont act like complete assholes and make a bunch of noise. I gotta focus for about another 30 minutes then the room is yours. Cool?”
“Cool,” the boys said in unison.
“And it’s Hannah by the way. Not Helen. You’re Lucas, right?” She held out her hand towards him.
Lucas politely shook her hand. “Sorry about that Hannah. I’m terrible at remembering names,” he said with a slight shrug. “Just gonna grab a seat on this side so I can stay outta your way.” He held out his arm towards the opposite side of the table from where Hannah had been sitting and started walking over there.
Tristan walked in and closed the door behind himself. He gave Hannah a simple head nod and smirk but never formerly introduced himself. Very similar to his demeanor at the party; as though he couldn’t be bothered.
Yep, arrogant douche, she thought. Then she pictured the look of surprise on the 2nd year’s face if she were to manifest her big furry friend to accidentally-on-purpose kick him in the balls.
Hannah had often wondered if anyone in the HCP realized her summon was the same giant bunny that helped save Brewster almost a year ago. Titan had told her the DVA would hide any association between the tower-sized rabbit and her PEERS persona but she figured that once classmates saw her summon for the first time they’d make the connection. That didn’t seem to be the case though, at least as far as she knew. It helped that when she summoned Hopcules these days, he was about the same height and stature as Titan. None of her combat training took place outside yet, so no one in HCP got to see her manifestation at his full potential size. He’d also taken on more humanistic facial expressions lately and had been appearing in a variety of different clothes and accessories. Hell, the last time she trained with Kacey, the hulking rabbit materialized in a denim vest, a blue bandanna on his head, metal spiked leather bracelets around his wrists, brass knuckles, and with gold chains around his neck. Kacey couldn’t stop laughing during their sparring session until Hopcules had her bound and hog tied. Even with her enhanced strength, she couldn’t break free of what evidently weren’t just plain gold necklaces. It hadn’t dawned on Hannah until later that, the night before, she’d fallen asleep to an old 80s action flick about a renegade cop taking on a vicious street gang. She wondered if tonight her childhood protector would show up in a lab coat, holding a periodic table. The Sizemore freshman briefly shook her head to snap herself out of her thoughts and sat down to resume her work. She’d gotten fully back into her study mode until…
“Yo, does sound carry out of this room?” Tristan asked.
“Seriously?! You do remember that whole bit about NOT being obnoxious assholes, right?”Hannah asked incredulously.
“Damn girl chill. I just wanted to ask my guy here a question and didn’t want to risk being overheard. You should smile more girl. You know what I mean?“
Relax. Breathe. You don’t want to be seen as a troublemaker. It would not be a good idea to kick this fucker’s ass while inside of the school library. Or would it be? No. No. Definitely not a good idea, she thought to herself.
“Well unless you two were standing outside of here practicing at being mimes as a back up in case you don’t make it to graduation, I’m pretty sure this room is well insulated to sound.”
Tristan grunted in indignation and sarcastically replied, “you’re hilarious.”
“I’m definitely going all the way through. No way I won’t graduate,” Lucas chimed in, seemingly oblivious to the tension that’d just arisen between the other two people in the room. I’ve known I wanted to be a hero ever since I was little. My parents have spent a fortune sending me to an elite training camp for the last seven summers to make sure I’d be prepared as possible for the HCP. Plus I’ve had personal coaches work with me for years on new ways to use my power.”
“Bro! That’s what I was wanting to ask you about. I saw the logo on on your bag. Holy shit, did you do the SETA training camps?” asked Tristan.
“Yeah, I take it you’ve heard of it.”
“Hell yeah I have. The Super Elite Training Academy. Who hasn’t? I hear those workouts are so intense. No wonder you’re so jacked. You must’ve been in great shape for your first day here. Mad props bro. Is it true you get to fight against human looking robot…”
“Hey! Tweedledum and tweedle-dickless, I honestly didn’t know there was such a thing as a two-man circle jerk, so I really appreciate the show but is there any chance I can get back to work without any more distractions?“
Lucas had mixture surprise and guilt run across his face. He opened his mouth as though he was about to say something, but then glanced over at Tristan and stayed silent.
“What? You mad because you’re realizing you can’t stack up against the competition. Guess what. My guy here isn’t the only one who’s been preparing for this program long before he was admitted. I’ve been getting ready for years too. Trained in jiu-jitsu and boxing on top of honing my super abilities. Have you even done anything? Or did you just apply and cross your fingers?”
Hannah could see where this was going in. She decided in that moment to just let it play out. Fuck it, she thought. She was basically done studying. Even if she failed the final, which she was confident that she wouldn’t, she’d still pass the class. She stood up, pressed an icon on her tablet touchscreen and began putting other things away in her bag while she spoke. “Actually, I never had any special training as a kid. To tell you the truth, I shouldn’t even be here. I got into some trouble years ago. The kind of trouble that normally prevents one from getting admitted into an HCP. But, I was on a PEERs team for years and I got to do a lot of…
“Ha! You’re telling us you’re fucking a Corpie. Can you believe this, dude?“ Tristan nudged Lucas, looking for his agreement. To his credit, Lucas appeared visibly uncomfortable and leaned away from the other boy.
“Don’t know what it says about your class if they’re letting Corpies in,” continued Tristan with a sneer. “I guess you really do need to study. Obviously you’re the one that needs a back up plan. And here’s another thing little girl. It’s not just about how much you’ve trained beforehand, it’s also about who you know. And I know people. My mom‘s best friend is related to the Hero, Unseelie. So I’ve actually met a few Heroes who I’m sure will vouch for me when the time comes. Pity you can’t say the same. We all know Heroes don’t give two shits about Corpies.”
For a moment Hannah’s face expressed a flat affect. Then suddenly she burst into laughter. And not just some derisive laugh as though she was trying to convey to Tristan that she didn’t take his comments seriously. But an eye watering, oxygen depriving, honest to the Gods belly laugh. The kind of laugh that would’ve been contagious had she been around friends. She carried on for a minute until her amusement died down to a just a mild chortle. Hannah wiped her eyes. “You know people?“ She started laughing again, even louder than the first time. “Oh my Gods. Stop. Stop. I can’t breathe. Is this your fucking power?” Hannah was bent over at the waist still laughing hysterically, holding out one finger as to communicate, “give me a second.” After another minute, she wiped her eyes again, took a big gulp of air, and collected herself. “Woooh. Now that was some funny fucking shit.”
“Who in the hell do you think…“ Tristan started to say through gritted teeth.
“No no no. Please don’t get me started again. I don’t think my ribs can take it,“ said Hannah still chuckling some. “Let’s see what have I done and who do I know? You know I always knew that eventually I’d tell people about this, I just didn’t think it would go down like this.” The summoner raised her hand, then slowly curled it into a fist. Standing 3ft tall and leaning into the corner so as not to be visible to anyone who happened to be looking into the room at that moment, was Hopcules, adorned in the same armor he’d worn on the day he helped to save Brewster. “Look familiar to anyone?”
“That looks like the giant rabbit that fought robots with Titan. Hare-a-clees or something like that. My little sister has like 5 of its t-shirts ,” Lucas responded.
“Wow kid, you really are shit with remembering names. Hop-cu-les is the name I gave him when I was just a kid. Surprised the shit outta me that he came out the size of a skyscraper when those robots nearly killed me and my team, ” Hannah stated nonchalantly as she waved her hand and made Hopcules fade away.
With a grudging realization, Tristan began to ask, “wait, you’re not actually saying…”
“Oh look, captain mc-douche-nozzle is catching on. Somebody give the kid a prize. Yes, dumbass, I’m actually saying I fought with Titan, yes, thee fucking Titan, with every other Hero team in Brewster to stop those mechs from destroying the entire city. I’m saying the strongest hero alive is my personal mentor and it was his recommendation that got me into this program.”
Lucas looked back and forth between Hannah and Tristan having already realized that the sophomore might be one of those guys who’d lash out over his perceived inferiority. Lucas was so curious though he had to ask, “but… But, that rabbit is everywhere these days. Not just T-shirts. Toys, a cartoon, and I just read there’s going to be a next-gen console video game based on his character. If you own the rights to that image, you’d be loaded.“
“Eh,” Hannah said with shrug. “Youre leaving out the movie deal Lenny just got for me, but not something I talk about too much . It leaves me enough to be comfortable and to be able to donate a library wing to the university thats giving me a shot at being a hero.” Hannah responded. She gave Tristan a quick wink and glanced over her shoulder towards the door.
Tristan looked in the same direction and noticed something he hadn’t bothered paying attention to before, a small engraving on the center of the door of a bipedal rabbit. This would’ve been the most surprising thing that he’d seen since he set foot in the room if it wasn’t for the photo that appeared on Hannah’s tablet now facing him. It was an image of five people: Graham De Soto, the new head of the DVA, Titan in his iconic Hero costume, Dean Jackson, a large muscular young man with a shit eating grin who Tristan didn’t recognize, and another person in a generic gray mask, presumably female, and wearing a smile of malicious enjoyment, the same as the women standing before him.
Hannah saw what caught his attention and picked up her tablet. “Oh, did you notice this? I love this picture. Titan called me in for back up as a Temporary Emergency Hero Asset. We beat the shit out of a literal army of enhanced criminal supers and took this picture after everything calmed down. All the other HCP deans were there too. Mr. Desoto actually told me if I ever needed a favor, he owed me one.” Hannah wore a wistful expression as she thought back on that day with fondness.
“Anyway, I gotta get outta here. S’posed to meet up with my training partners. Cause no matter what your background is or who you know, no one is a shoe-in for the final 10. Lucas, feel free to meet us in the combat cells tonight if you want to get a work out in and get tired of hanging out with this fuckwad. Later losers!” Hannah said this last part as she turned around and headed towards door while holding up her middle finger for all to see.
Tristan was obviously livid. His hands had been visibly shaking as he stood and listened to all the ways this 1st year had accomplished more than he’d even thought possible for student. Who does this little bitch think she is? She’s full of shit. She has to be. I’ll show her. From his elbows down, Tristan‘s arms began to darken. In seconds the two appendages looked like small tree trunks, with his fingers elongating into barbed tendril-liked branches rapidly moving towards Hannah.
Although Lucas had worked for years to improve his ability to cast his energy based illusionary environments-referred to by one quirky coach in the past as a “holodeck”- speed was an element that he continued to struggle with. He began to cast a simple illusion of darkness, so as to blind Tristan, but he knew almost immediately that it wouldn’t reach him in time. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw furry white movement. The miniature Hopcules had reappeared and was running towards the back of the chair Tristan had been sitting in. With a parkour maneuver that would make Jackie Chan jealous, Hopcules leapt from the floor to the chair, then from the chair to the rear wall. He torpedoed off of the wall with the force of both hind paws and made contact Tristan’s head, knocking the arrogant second year to the floor. He laid there dazed and confused about what had just struck him as his branches retracted and his arms returned to normal. The summon vanished before he even touched the ground.
Hannah smiled as she exited the room. Thanks be to the Gods. I was hoping that piece of shit would try something so I could have self-defense as an excuse. Kacey and Devon better be ready. I’m already warmed up.

Hey, I (19f) went to a university party last week, its a kind of party that starts a 10 p.m and ends with the morning, we go to dance, kiss and drink, it was open bar (those kind of partys are pretty commun in my country). Since I was planing to stay there until the end I wanted to enjoy the most, so I drank a good amount of alcohol, enough to get me completely drunk at the middle of the party but to be sober by the end of it, I figured out it was going to be ok because I planned it, and I was with my friends, I'm the shy kind, so I needed the alcohol to become more outgoing and relaxed. Anyway, until the middle everything was going wonderfully well as planned, I was dancing, talking to everyone, really having my time you know and I've kissed plenty of the people that I was willing to including a friend that we will call Kevin, Kevin and I have being friends for about a year and a half, not the closest type but he helped me in some difficult times and used to say he would aways be there for me, I used to trust him with all my heart because he had proved more than once that he was the reliable kind, I think it's important to address that we, in fact, had something physical a couple of times, but not anything in the romantic side, just two friends helping with each other's needs, I also kissed a guy that I've met at another party a week prior, let's call him Steve. At some point at the party I realized that my phone was missing and immediately started to panic, I've forgotten it in my back pocket and someone just toke it, I went running to the security and warned them about it but they said there was nothing that could be done since I didn't see the thief, by this time the friend that I went with to the party, we can call him Theo, found me and started to help me calm down along with Steve that had also found me, I was literally having a major panic attack because I had just finished paying for my phone and everything I had was on it. Theo than received a call from other friend of his telling that someone had drugged him, I told Theo that I was fine and he could go help his friends, after all it seemed more of a emergency than just a missing phone and a panic attack, with this I ended alone with Steve, I decided then that it would be more effective if I went to inside of the party and warn everyone that I knew about my phone and to search for me if they found it, so I did it, as I crossed the party more drunk and more desperate I became, I warned Kevin and his friends group and then I spotted my ex with some old friends of mine that I don't keep contact anymore, I truly didn't want to bother but at this point I was completely freaked and thought that the more people knew about my phone bigger were the chances of getting it back, so I approach them and told what happened and that I was getting really drunk, I also asked my ex to text my mom so she could track my phone (she had my location), they didn't pay much attention and a girl told me to recompose my self gave me a water ticket, since they weren't really open to my presence I left to get the water and sit outside of the party again, keep in mind that the whole time Steven were by my side and clearly bothered with me talking to everyone. Outside a girl and I boy, friends of Kevin I assume, started taking with me and asking what happened, I told the whole story again and my panic just increased alongside with it the alcohol finally hit with all its strenght and I realized I couldn't remember where I lived or even my mom's number, I realized that I was completely waisted, without a way to communicate, alone, surrounded by completely strangers, one of then, Steven, even made it clear earlier that he wanted to have intercourse with me, even though he had being respectful with me (even if clearly bothered) I was still afraid, after all I was still a girl alone in a party. I decided then that I should ask Kevin for help since I've known him for what a consider a long time and I truly trusted him, I ignored Steven protests and went back to the party search for Kevin, when I found him he was with a girl but I figured a friend in clearly danger would be more important than kissing a stranger, so I asked him if he was drugged or drunk, he said no to both questions, so I asked if he was sober enough with he said he was, I looked around and saw that Steven was still behind me so I grabbed Kevin's arm and started to pull him somewhere else and said that I really needed his help (keep in mind that he knew about my phone and I was with a look of completely terror in my face) Kevin them pushed me with the arm that I was grabbing him, not strong enough to hurt me, but enough to scare me (I am a really petit girl and Kevin is really strong and almost 6'7) and said that he didn't want me, that was my breaking point, I started crying and shaking as he walked away from me, a girl that I suppose was friends with him saw this and came to my help, I explained to her about my phone, that I was drunk and scared and that Kevin had helped me in situations like this before, she nodded and went to talk to him because she believed that he misunderstood me, but when she came back she said that he told her that was just a "crazy girl that he never saw in his life", oh man those words were like knives in my heart, and are still hunting me, I were helpless. I did the only thing that I could think at the time, asked the girl to stay by my side since I didn't want to be alone with Steven and went to talk with my ex and my old friend group, I pushed a girl aside and told her everything and how scared I was, she immediately took me to the other people and said they needed to help me, again, nobody gave that much of importance, I said that my ex knew were I live and maybe could help, so they called him and he asked if I still lived in ***** , I said I couldn't remember because I was too drunk and they started to get inpatient and said they would call my mom to come and get me than, I freaked out (my mom let me do anything since I don't die or don't bother her) and started asking them to please not call her, cause I knew it would just cause more problems and she probably wouldn't even help, other girls in the group said that then they could do nothing to me, nobody disagreed with her and they kind just let it aside, Steven just said to me go with him and nobody protested so I left, feeling that I didn't really had a choice. Outside of the party Steven's friends were still waiting for us, I returned and started crying again, feeling abandoned and betrayed, they tried their best to get me to say were I lived but soon they saw that I couldn't talk anything that would make sense in that moment, so they calmed me down and stayed with me till I was sober enough, the girl that I've just met was a Saint, she got really protective and didn't let any man come close to me, when I was finally able to inform my address they (Steven, this girl and the other friend of his) took me home, it was around 4 a.m when I got home, I was a mess, all the feelings came like a wave, I cried myself to sleep and since then I've been a disaster, sure I'm that I lost my phone but what really hurts me is what happened after this, I can't wrap my mind that completely strangers were more worried about me than my friends and people who once had a important role in my life, matter of fact I kind understand my ex and his friends, I was a really shitty girlfriend back then, even though they having a reason don't make it hurt less, but Kevin?? I've never done anything bad to him, never being anything but a good friend, why would he do thus to me? I just want to text him and ask why, sometimes I want to course him because I'm so mad, he didn't even bother to write a text asking if I was okay the next day, nothing, he just keeps seeing everything I post in silence, I feel so hurt, so depressed, so angry, I feel that I'm on my lowest since everything.
Ps: just wanted to say sorry for my bad grammar, English isn't my first language and I'm literally shaking while I write this, I'm truly a mess

The first time, he was on tinder only put pictures with his body showing (he is in great shape) he was on tinder for a year and a half and only met up with one person on the side of the road, at night, going on a run. It took a year for me to ever be intimate with him again. Just recently, these past three months I have finally felt content and I was hopeful for our marriage. I told him I forgive him fully and never loved him more. We have been through a lot of traumatic things together and asked to never hurt me again.
An old friend of mine messaged me a few days ago, with a tinder profile of my husband. This time 7 photos of him fighting and shirtless and in his underwear showing his face. She matched him and she asked about me, he unmatched her. I confronted him he said. That we do not have enough sex and he wanted more and he was only 30% sure he was going to follow through with it and was only on it 4 days before getting caught. He did not try to cheat on me when we had no sex for a year. Suddenly I start having sex with him again and he said it made him want more. I just had a major surgery 4 months ago for a rare compression. I also have more health issues and another medical procedure coming up.
We have a young child together who is very clingy. My husband works 46-50 hour weeks. But we have gotten a lot of financial help from my father’s money who died 3 weeks before my son was born. So he isn’t the only one that contributes to our household. He even had to take my car because he didn’t want to pay to fix his. But still I am grateful and praise him for his hard work. When he gets home, I have eveything taken care of, dinner made so he can just relax for an hour and then we have to get ready for bed. Our child is about to start kindergarten, I told him it will be easier to have some time together then. I also have taught our son to read, write, add, subtract, and he knows his multiplications already before even going to school. I put a lot of my energy into our child. I quit drinking and smoking when I found out I was pregnant and never touched it again. I understand what it’s like to have an itch. I just never acted on mine.
Unfortunately, our sex life is not the greatest. Mostly it consists of oral and hand jobs at most 5 times a week. They are short lived as my son will ask for me. I’m still scared of penetration since he gave me an sti last time that spread to my reproductive organs. But I have had it. I feel like he would cheat regardless, but I still feel at fault. We had a long talk where I got him to stop saying if we had more he would not of looked to cheat, that it was about variety that’s what it was about last time. He also thought if he scratched the itch and actually had a good experience sleeping with other people that he would be able to stop thinking about it. I told him it would do the opposite as when he cheated the last time he had issues getting hard with me.
I feel like an idiot typing this out. He’s a good father. I don’t think I can ever trust him again. Divorce is not an option for me. He now agrees with me and says he is happy he got caught now because he would have made things worse. I can’t help feeling that some of it is my fault though. That I am not giving enough. I asked how much he would need then to not cheat and he said “every day, I don’t know.” And he said it has to be vaginal sex. He can’t even give me straight answers. I don’t think he could have sex everyday with his work schedule and a girl on tinder, but who knows. I don’t know what I’m asking after. Just if anyone can decipher this mess and give me some sort of advice on how to come to terms with this situation.

I'm a long time lurker here, what, I think, kinda speaks for itself. Made a throwaway for this. I'm not a native english speaker, but I hope I can express myself in a decent way.
Right now, I (M30) really feel like reflecting my drinking behavior, because yesterday I felt like dying. AGAIN. Like I have so often already, but the cycle starts over and over again so quickly that I just can't get ahold of it and it seems like i just go with that "flow" like forever...
I'm from Germany, where we have a huge drinking-culture. Everyone seems to enjoy their drink like anytime and all over the place and it's just viewed as perfectly normal. And well, it kinda is - it sometimes appears to me that drinking is what connects and holds our rather distanced and self-centered german society together in some way, I don't know...
My parents both are big time alcoholics - my mom actually went to rehab and keeps being sober for almost 8 years now - I'm extremely proud of her! My dad doesn't even see an issue with his drinking, since it's "just beer". Literally all day, everyday, but "just beer", so from his pov it's non-problematic. I grew up with both of them, but I moved out at 16 because of, well, reasons, so I don't have the best relationship with them whatsoever.
I drink regulary since I'm 13 years old. Sometimes more, sometimes less but never have I didn't drink and I've never really seen a problem with that. There's been periods of daily binge-drinking for several months straight in my teenage years, it then got less in my 20s. Now the average german village-dude would probably say I shouldn't adress this "little" regular drinking as a problem. But I will from now on, because it is...
I currently live with my lovely wife in a nice flat in a fine big city and I work a great job where I feel valued and respected. And rather surprisingly I get to manage all of that pretty well despite the drinking... but I feel like that isn't going to work very much longer.
I have a lot of good friends and a smaller circle (5) of long term "best friends" who I really love from the bottom of my heart. We went through a lot of together so it really feels deeply familiar to be around them. We hang out quite a lot and by hanging out you could say we're basically getting shitfaced together... Every damn time...
We all (and especially myself) have literally zero self-control when it comes to alcohol, so when we start (and we do always start at some point) we just don't stop until it's all "empty and late". Even then it's not uncommon to visit another 24h-store or a club/pub to drink a couple more, sometimes in the middle of the night on a tuesday... For many many years now, we meet 2-4 times a week in various constellations and just have ridiculously huge quantities of beer and wine together, sometimes liqour on the weekends, and we basically just drink, talk and goof around for hours. I mean sometimes we play football or basketball, go on a hike or a bicycle-tour, or we cook dinner, visit a concert or partys/ events but man we're always drinking like there's no tomorrow. And in those moments it always feels so damn right...
But when reality snaps back into my body and mind again, I feel like an empty piece of weak and hurt shame and it's getting worse with every drinking-session... lately my health definitely seem to suffer a lot more than I'm used to, I am extremely nauseous and dizzy the days after drinking, suffer from extreme headaches and feel enormously depressed and anxious. And life just goes on and on while there is no break to be seen...
I lost my keys, wallet and phone multiple times the last few years, had multiple (minor) accidents while drunk-driving my bike, got into fights with random (drunk) people, did drugs just because "why not", got arrested for stupid bullshit I'd have never done sober, disappointed my wife and friends because I couldn't get my hungover ass up for planned activities, forgot or canceled a few important appointments... it's actually like: half of the time I'm drunk and the other half of the time I'm hungover, on and on and on, and it's getting more and more exhausting to the point I feel like Im about to break down in the future... I archieved a lot of great things in the past 10 years and am proud of myself in many ways, but suddenly I feel like I've lost control a looong while ago and am now starting to realize it and that's kinda terrifying...
My friends and I talked about general drinking a lot throughout the years and kinda agreed on "yeah, we're basically 'functional alcoholics', but as long as everyone of us gets his stuff together and is happy - why not?". That never felt wrong, because I've always been indeed a rather happy person and got my stuff indeed quite good together. My wife (who btw also enjoys to have her drinks with us sometimes, but absolutely knows her limit and is inspiringly reasonable) is super sweet and supportive in any way, but she too has been worried lately as she realizes I'm starting to not do feel too well...
On saturday another 3-day-streak had come to an embarrassing end - the 5th time that week I was really really drunk... Monday and Tuesday the usual "let's grab a beer and hang out" (both days lead to 8-10 beers and at least 2 bottles of white wine), on Thursday I've visited a concert (blackout drunk), on friday a friend celebrated her birthday (like 8 beers and a few cocktails amd shots) and saturday I helped another friend moving so I of course "needed a beer to end the day" - Came home in the morning and slept with all my clothes on the couch, can't remember nothing after like midnight... Yesterday I literally just laid in my bed, scrolled through senseless apps for hours and felt physically and mentally deeply sick...
It's been the nicest weather all day, my beautiful wife went out to the lake with her friends, birds singing, children playing, air smells like BBQ... and I was here, alone, feeling like a dead sick self-pitying waste of space, asking myself what I'm doing with this wonderful life... I feel a desperate need for change, but right now I don't know how and I cannot imagine how I should gather the strength to just not drink at all from now on. I don't even seem to have the strength to drink just a little less soentimes ffs... but definitely IWNDWYT - I got to start somewhere...
Thanks for reading, I needed to let that out...

Hey, I (19f) went to a university party last week, its a kind of party that starts a 10 p.m and ends with the morning, we go to dance, kiss and drink, it was open bar (those kind of partys are pretty commun in my country). Since I was playing to stay there until the end I wanted to enjoy the most, so I drank a good amount of alcohol, enough to get me completely drunk at the middle of the party but to be sober by the end of it, I figured out it was going to be ok because I planned it, and I was with my friends, I'm the shy kind, so I needed the alcohol to become more outgoing and relaxed. Anyway, until the middle everything was going wonderfully well as planned, I was dancing, talking to everyone, really having my time you know and I've kissed plenty of the people that I was willing to including a friend that we will call Kevin, Kevin and I have being friends for about a year and a half, not the closest type but he helped me in some difficult times and used to say he would aways be there for me, I used to trust him with all my heart because he had proved more than once that he was the reliable kind, I think it's important to address that we, in fact, had something physical a couple of times, but not anything in the romantic side, just two friends helping with each other's needs, I also kissed a guy that I've met at another party a week prior, let's call him Steve. At some point at the party I realized that my phone was missing and immediately started to panic, I've forgotten it in my back pocket and someone just toke it, I went running to the security and warned them about it but they said there was nothing that could be done since I didn't see the thief, by this time the friend that I went with to the party, we can call him Theo, found me and started to help me calm down along with Steve that had also found me, I was literally having a major panic attack because I had just finished paying for my phone and everything I had was on it. Theo than received a call from other friend of his telling that someone had drugged him, I told Theo that I was fine and he could go help his friends, after all it seemed more of a emergency than just a missing phone and a panic attack, with this I ended alone with Steve, I decided then that it would be more effective if I went to inside of the party and warn everyone that I knew about my phone and to search for me if they found it, so I did it, as I crossed the party more drunk and more desperate I became, I warned Kevin and his friends group and then I spotted my ex with some old friends of mine that I don't keep contact anymore, I truly didn't want to bother but at this point I was completely freaked and thought that the more people knew about my phone bigger were the chances of getting it back, so I approach them and told what happened and that I was getting really drunk, I also asked my ex to text my mom so she could track my phone (she had my location), they didn't pay much attention and a girl told me to recompose my self gave me a water ticket, since they weren't really open to my presence I left to get the water and sit outside of the party again, keep in mind that the whole time Steven were by my side and clearly bothered with me talking to everyone. Outside a girl and I boy, friends of Kevin I assume, started taking with me and asking what happened, I told the whole story again and my panic just increased alongside with it the alcohol finally hit with all its strenght and I realized I couldn't remember where I lived or even my mom's number, I realized that I was completely waisted, without a way to communicate, alone, surrounded by completely strangers, one of then, Steven, even made it clear earlier that he wanted to have intercourse with me, even though he had being respectful with me (even if clearly bothered) I was still afraid, after all I was still a girl alone in a party. I decided then that I should ask Kevin for help since I've known him for what a consider a long time and I truly trusted him, I ignored Steven protests and went back to the party search for Kevin, when I found him he was with a girl but I figured a friend in clearly danger would be more important than kissing a stranger, so I asked him if he was drugged or drunk, he said no to both questions, so I asked if he was sober enough with he said he was, I looked around and saw that Steven was still behind me so I grabbed Kevin's arm and started to pull him somewhere else and said that I really needed his help (keep in mind that he knew about my phone and I was with a look of completely terror in my face) Kevin them pushed me with the arm that I was grabbing him, not strong enough to hurt me, but enough to scare me (I am a really petit girl and Kevin is really strong and almost 6'7) and said that he didn't want me, that was my breaking point, I started crying and shaking as he walked away from me, a girl that I suppose was friends with him saw this and came to my help, I explained to her about my phone, that I was drunk and scared and that Kevin had helped me in situations like this before, she nodded and went to talk to him because she believed that he misunderstood me, but when she came back she said that he told her that was just a "crazy girl that he never saw in his life", oh man those words were like knives in my heart, and are still hunting me, I were helpless. I did the only thing that I could think at the time, asked the girl to stay by my side since I didn't want to be alone with Steven and went to talk with my ex and my old friend group, I pushed a girl aside and told her everything and how scared I was, she immediately took me to the other people and said they needed to help me, again, nobody gave that much of importance, I said that my ex knew were I live and maybe could help, so they called him and he asked if I still lived in ***** , I said I couldn't remember because I was too drunk and they started to get inpatient and said they would call my mom to come and get me than, I freaked out (my mom let me do anything since I don't die or don't bother her) and started asking them to please not call her, cause I knew it would just cause more problems and she probably wouldn't even help, other girls in the group said that then they could do nothing to me, nobody disagreed with her and they kind just let it aside, Steven just said to me go with him and nobody protested so I left, feeling that I didn't really had a choice. Outside of the party Steven's friends were still waiting for us, I returned and started crying again, feeling abandoned and betrayed, they tried their best to get me to say were I lived but soon they saw that I couldn't talk anything that would make sense in that moment, so they calmed me down and stayed with me till I was sober enough, the girl that I've just met was a Saint, she got really protective and didn't let any man come close to me, when I was finally able to inform my address they (Steven, this girl and the other friend of his) took me home, it was around 4 a.m when I got home, I was a mess, all the feelings came like a wave, I cried myself to sleep and since then I've been a disaster, sure I'm that I lost my phone but what really hurts me is what happened after this, I can't wrap my mind that completely strangers were more worried about me than my friends and people who once had a important role in my life, matter of fact I kind understand my ex and his friends, I was a really shitty girlfriend back then, even though they having a reason don't make it hurt less, but Kevin?? I've never done anything bad to him, never being anything but a good friend, why would he do thus to me? I just want to text him and ask why, sometimes I want to course him because I'm so mad, he didn't even bother to write a text asking if I was okay the next day, nothing, he just keeps seeing everything I post in silence, I feel so hurt, so depressed, so angry, I feel that I'm on my lowest since everything.
Ps: just wanted to say sorry for my bad grammar, English isn't my first language and I'm literally shaking while I write this, I'm truly a mess

She is the mother of my half big brother so that’s why she is still in the family. I hope I’m allowed to post here, if not I will delete my post.
I think she might be a narcissist because of several signs:

1. She never apologizes and has only done it once in my big brother’s life time (he is 45 years old now)
   
2. She always smokes inside despite knowing I have a heart condition and I can’t tolerate the smoke
   
3. She always blames me and my dad for using her, even though she wants to get going and sort things out
   
4. She blames her friends for using her when they literally bought her a car and said she could pay them back by doing food shopping for them every now and then and they didn’t even give her a deadline for the payback
   
5. She has a constant Mr. Jekyll & Hyde behavior, one moment she is calm and the next she wants to sort out everything and then gets angry and blames us for being lazy
   
6. She always criticizes me for being slow, I can’t walk fast due to my heart condition. If I’m not fast enough she gets angry and upset. When we are going food shopping she gets angry and very impatient and stressed if I’m just a bit too slow. I also have autism so I need time to make decisions while food shopping
   
7. My dad’s dog had to be put to sleep last week and the first thing she does is calling me to tell me I’ve never done enough for the dog, but that’s not true I’ve done more than my siblings because they are always busy, I’ve learnt him tricks and petted him a lot and gave him love this way. She also said she was angry because I was in my room and that I SHOULD stay with my dad, but I was with him when his dog was put to sleep and it was a very emotional and difficult moment. But I did it for my dad. So I needed to process what happened in my room. And my dad also said it was completely understandable
   
8. The next day she sent a love bombing message where she said she was sorry to hear about his passing but she didn’t apologize for her behavior. But she also said that “you won’t get over this pain, just like losing your mother” as if these pains can be compared wtf. These griefs can never be compared, my mum died of cancer 5 years ago and now she is using that against me too to remind me of that pain
   

It’s not only these instances that makes me feel like she might be a narcissist, she has always been like this, but only to her close family and usually not to friends or outsiders
What do you think? And how do I deal with her in a healthy way?

I lost my pup 2 weeks ago now & I thought as days went on things would start to feel a bit “easier” but for me there have been mixed feelings… sadness, guilt & anxiety.
We discovered my 11yr old lab had a large mass on her liver after a scan that we were told to get because her liver enzymes were extremely high on bloodwork.
I was told surgery was the only option and was very hopeful of recovery. Unfortunately, during the surgery the surgeon found out the tumor was adhered to the organ and surroundings. It was very fragile and at high risk of her bleeding out. I was shocked to get a phone call from the surgeon mid surgery with my girl on the table asking if he should proceed and risk her bleeding out/ dying or just take a biopsy and close her up. I chose the second option as I wanted more time with my girl!
Unfortunately it was cancer & I think surgery caused a quicker decline. I only got 8 more weeks with my girl after this. I chose to do a scheduled at home euthanasia which I highly recommend but up until that day she was still walking & eating. Which made it tougher. Despite her living on pain killers and still constantly panting, yelping & losing a lot of her weight.
My guilt came even before putting her down.. maybe I could have gotten her bloodwork done sooner or possibly a second opinion or scan showing that the surgery was a bad idea! My rational mind says I know I tried my best given the info I had and I didn’t let her suffer more.. but I still feel some guilt all the same.
My anxiety comes in when I am alone.. I’ve had my dog since I was 18. I live alone now for the first time in my life. I find myself getting rushes of anxiety at night before I am about to fall asleep. I am terrified whenever I hear a noise in the house. I never worried about this before. My lab barked and protected the house.. if it was someone trying to break in she’d tell me.
I can’t fall asleep comfortably or stay asleep. I have nightmares and find myself waking up and not being able to fall back asleep for hours. I do have a bit of ptsd induced anxiety from a traumatic childhood/ teenage years. I didn’t realize how much she was helping me with this until now that she’s gone..
I’m not sure I can live without a dog.. but then the guilt comes back in if I am getting another dog too soon. 😔
Maybe this will subside? Has anyone else felt like this?

Hey Fellow Redditors I’m(22yr Old Male) here to talk about my bad experience with a THC Vape in hope that maybe I’m not the only one that’s gone through something like this i’ve never been a true smoker only would take a couple puffs off the homies Joints on rare Occasions & did a couple puffs off friends Carts back in Highschool . So On 4/19th / 2024 I had bought a Stizzy a “type of weed pod” the THC percentage like around 80. Something off a friend I grew up with in Highschool to enjoy for 420 I end up trying it that night I took a puff from it held it for like 5-10 secs and maybe 5 minutes later it’s hitting me hard I watch a movie for like maybe a good hour knock out watching it & wake up perfectly fine the next morning. On 4/20 i started the day doing laundry & after a few hours ate 2 chicken sandwiches with some fries anyway about maybe an hour and a half later I went out to the alleyway & Took two puffs of the pod this time off the first hit I was coughing for maybe a minute & a half so I went in for another hit after the coughing stopped I was Dying from Two puffs I didn’t feel bad instantly but I was just laying on my bed when I got hit with anxiety after walking around for a bit I literally was seeing my life flash before my eyes anxiously walking around I had convinced myself that I was dying so I tell my siblings I didn’t feel well & needed to go to the Emergency Room i told them I felt like I was gonna die , I think my dog started to catch on that I wasn’t feeling well because she would just whine at me following me around this led me to panic even more so we head out I’m not even thinking about how I’m gonna drive there but I just start the car & we head out once we get to the hospital I tell them that I don’t feel well at all & that I would have to wait and sign paperwork before anything . So I sign the paperwork and tell me to sit tight I sit with my younger sister and notice my chest full of sweat and my left hand & leg shaking like crazy after maybe five minutes of waiting like this they do an ECG / EKG and the readings show I’m fine so they tell me to wait outside so they can get me a room , 20 minutes pass my parents are here my mom noticed my lips were dry & I looked pale so I drank some water ,I felt a bit better after drinking water but kept shaking my fingers after another ten minutes of waiting they lead me & my mom to a room give me a gown & say they’ll be right with me shortly well after 8 hours they never came by so by then I felt calm with my mom by my side having drank some more water I asked them to be discharged as I felt better & wasn’t being attended anyway so after 15 minutes they give me a paper with the diagnosis being (Cannabis intoxication without complication / HCC)I should contact my healthcare provider as soon as possible next day so I contact my doctor and she give me an appointment in two days , well within those two days I ended up not being able to sleep well at all because I was having palpitations & anxiety so I go to the Emergency Room again this time at a different hospital & they do a EKG right away it comes out as abnormal so they get me a room & do blood tests they end up coming out fine except for my LDL cholesterol kinda high (116) they tell me it’s a extremely low chance I would have a heart attack so that relieves me a lot , they tell me I should concentrate on breathing & ignoring the palpitations, so the day I go see my doctor she does more blood work ,I tell her I’ve been having anxiety & palpitations she asked if I want to talk to someone about it and I said no as I wasn’t feeling too bad at the moment so she prescribes me Hydroxyzine HCL 10MG for anxiety & sleep which I haven’t taken at all because I seen online sometimes they make palpitations worse so i haven’t touched them as I think they would make me more anxious about my heart so I’ve just been looking up natural things that would help me. Fast forward to now 5/13 it’s been 3 weeks I’ve been toughing it out I’ve changed my diet completely avoiding foods with too much saturated fat like pizza burgers etc , I began drinking a lot more teas & water I still get anxiety from time to time but noticed distracting myself with things to do like Going to work , laughing with friends & family going out for walks with my siblings and my dog playing video games here and there etc I don’t know what exactly the explanation is for what I’m going through is but I haven’t lost hope that I can recover seeing my parents breakdown telling me they believe in me and are with me all the way make me want to push through this even more I’ve gotten closer to god as I’ve been going to church again with my parents I hope this makes my siblings want to get close to god & come along with us to church every Saturday . As of right now I’m still following my diet eating mainly chicken ,turkey vegetables fruits & drinking black teas & peppermint teas to help me sleep I’ve also been taking a (magnesium +malate + Glycinate + Citrate)supplement and have noticed my brain feels a lot less foggy I still feel anxiety & my fingers twitch from time to time but distracting myself with anything else helps so much I also still struggle sleeping I find laying down will make me anxious triggering my palpitations with a tight feeling in my upper left chest causing me to panic sometimes if I’m focused on just my palpitations , box breathing and deep breathing drinking a bit of water seem to help me ignore them . I’m currently waiting on my appointment with a cardiologist next week 5/22 for more reassurance that nothing is wrong with my heart. Prior to this incident I would say I had little to no anxiety at all I’m hoping it’s not any serious condition & maybe just my body dealing with the trauma & if it happens to be anything serious I have hope I can learn to continue living a normal life without much of a learning curve . Anyway I know this is super long but if anyone has gone through or had something like this before leave any tips or comments below of things that could help please & thanks god bless us all .🙏🏽

Original Posted 4 days ago 9May24

My stepdaughter Becca (14F) died 4 weeks ago. I’ve been in her life since she was 7 years old, we were extremely close.
My husband Derek (40M), his ex-wife Sam (38F), and I (35F) get along very well, there has never been an issue in the 7 years that I’ve been with Derek. Sam has always been kind to me, she didn’t even care that Becca called me “mom” too.
Right after Becca’s passing, Sam had so much anxiety and depression that she was unable to be by herself (she has no family besides us), so we invited her to stay with us.
Sam hardly leaves the house, she mostly just sleeps in Becca’s room, which is completely understandable. I always tell her that I’m here if she needs me and that I want her to take her time with grieving and that there is no pressure to go back to her home.
Today I needed to run some errands, so I asked Sam if she’d like to join me to get out of the house a little bit, but she declined and said she’d rather just stay at the house and sleep. I told Derek that I was leaving and that I would be back in 2ish hours (he works from home), I also told him to check on Sam every once in awhile, and maybe try getting her to eat something.
After stopping at the post office, I realized I forgot my library book that I needed to return, so I went back home to get it.
As soon as I walked in the door, I heard moaning coming from mine and Derek’s bedroom. I immediately knew what was happening… and my heart completely broke in that moment.
I wasn’t completely sure what to do, but I ended up deciding to confront them, so I walked to the bedroom and opened the door and began yelling at them both. Sam started having an anxiety attack and ran to the bathroom while Derek kept apologizing profusely.
I asked him what the hell was happening, he told me that he made himself and Sam some lunch and they began talking about Becca, and shared some memories. And then Sam ended up kissing him and he didn’t pull back, and then it ended with them in our bed.
They’re begging me to understand that it was just grief that caused them to become intimate and that they both made a mistake.
I don’t know what to do. I love this man. And I love Sam. I’m heartbroken that they did this to me and put me in this position. I feel so stuck.
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Update Posted 3hrs ago 13May24

UPDATES: My stepdaughter died 4 weeks ago and I just caught my husband and his ex wife in our bed.
Sorry about this post being removed a couple days ago. I didn’t realize there was an update rule, so here is the update again, along with some questions answered.
I decided that I’m filing for a divorce. I can’t ever trust him again. It sucks because we had an amazing relationship (I thought), he’s always been great, so this was a complete shock to me.
Last night, Derek came over to talk. He confessed to a lot. Turns out it wasn’t their first time having sex like most people thought. They’ve been having sex since 3 months before Becca died. I am completely shocked and heartbroken.
Sam also reached out last night and thanked me for everything I’ve done for her, and told me she was sorry. I didn’t respond, I blocked her.
I did so much for Sam and considered her a friend so this hurts a lot, more than I can handle.
This is all too much.
As hard as this is gonna be, I need to leave Derek and cut them both out of my life. I am ready to do so. I am done.
Also, some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better than to let Sam into our home, around Derek. But, you need to understand that I’m a giving person, I trust people more than I should, I truly thought Sam was an amazing person. I know it’s unusual to become friends with your husband’s ex wife, but it’s just how it went for us and I shouldn’t be blamed for what happened.
Thank you to everyone who commented nice things and for the kind messages. You’ve all been helpful during this insanely difficult time, I appreciate it.
I’m getting lots of questions about some things so I figured I’d answer a few of them.
• Have I told anyone about what happened besides my mom? — Yes, I told a few friends and some family members. Most of them are supportive of my decision and aren’t speaking to Derek.
• Where is Derek staying? — Currently, he’s staying at a hotel. Our friends refuse to let him stay with them. He’s lost a lot of people due to his awful decisions.
• Has he tried fighting me on getting a divorce? — Yes, he begged me not to file for divorce, but when I told him I needed him to just let me go, and that I was too exhausted to fight him on this, he let it be and agreed to getting a divorce.
• Why isn’t Derek staying with Sam? — He told me he didn’t wanna continue to hurt me, so he told Sam he was done with her for good. And that they have no reason to speak to each other anymore. I have no idea if that’ll last and if they’ll just end up together, but I truly don’t care what they do anymore. I just want peace.
• What was Derek’s excuse for cheating? — He told me that they just “accidentally” reconnected one night when I was away at my mom’s. He was stressed we weren’t conceiving and were having miscarriages, so he vented to Sam, and then somehow that led to sex. Disgusting of them both, I know..
Feel free to ask anything else, and I’ll try to answer. Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

My best friend has been with his girlfriend for just over a year. He lives on his own currently and can’t afford the rent. Recently, his dad passed away and he has been struggling to process all of that along with everything.
In the past couple of months she has been badgering him to move in with her. Things have to be her way or she doesn’t like it and there is one rule for her and another for him. Barely being able to afford the rent living on his own; he has now agreed to move in with her with his half of all the rent and bills being way more than what he pays currently and he can barely afford that. He hasn’t found a permanent job yet either so has very low income.
When I have asked him whether he really wants to move in with her, he doesn’t sound excited and constantly mentions how it will be easier as he is saving money. He has also mentioned to me in private how he thinks a year is too quick to move in together. He hasn’t mentioned this to her. She has begun to show her true colours more and more as she doesn’t particularly like me and him hanging out as we are apparently “bad influencers” on each other when all we do is meet up, have a couple of drinks and have a laugh. She has said to him to not expect me being round a lot but it’s ok for her friends to visit whenever as she’s already mentioned all the people she wants round to the new flat. She has also said all the stuff she wants in the new flat and he hasn’t really got a say in the matter. He’s had to chuck out a lot of his stuff from his old flat as she doesn’t like it or prefers her stuff better. More and more red flags pop up and I am seriously worried that he is going to end up trapped or unhappy.
A couple of weeks ago when I checked in again and I asked him if he is sure, he replied with “I haven’t really processed my dad dying so I’m dealing with all that.” When they both finally found a flat and got accepted he said they both had a brief moment where they both questioned whether they really wanted to do it. I’m convinced that they are both rushing in. Anyway, I told him to seriously think about what he is doing and to make sure that what he is doing is the right and honest decision for him and to not put up with how she acts with him. Otherwise, he will end up being unhappy!
AITA for being honest and telling him how I truly feel or should I have kept my mouth shut? I just have a funny feeling that when this happens him and I will see less of each other because she won’t want us to and he’ll do it to keep her happy even though it isn’t what he wants. I am also sceptical that he says some things to me and then says the opposite to her which could explain a few things.

Or rather, in a dedicated repost, because silly me couldn't read the pinned post and wait a few hours before posting my text the first time.
​
After giving a proper rewrite to Ayano, it's now time to do the same for her love interest. But first, I must give my apologises. The title of my post is "Reworking Taro", but it's actually misleading because there was barely any work to redo to begin with. Ok, there was the easy jab at the original character. Reading my previous rewrite posts isn't necessary to understand this one, but would allow you to grasp the differences with the official game better. If you're too lazy to do so, just keep in mind that my rewrite is a bit more social-focused. Anyway, here's my full-fledged take on our senpai.

Just an ordinary upperclassman: Daiki Tanaka (田中 大樹)

Although Taro Yamada is a perfectly valid Japanese name, it's literally the Japanese equivalent of John Doe. This name just gives me the impression that nothing really matters about him, and that it isn't even worth the effort thinking about a proper name. That might have been the dev's intention, given Taro's characterisation in the game, but I personally can't consider being so lazy about the second most important character. So, rather than keeping this name that makes Senpai seem like some background character, I chose names that actually are very common in Japan in order to keep the "average guy" feeling. The most common Japanese surname is Sato (佐藤), but that sounded a bit too generic for me, so I opted for Tanaka (田中), another widespread name that you might already have seen in some anime. Surprisingly, despite also being common, Yamada (山田) doesn't even come close. For his first name, "Daiki" (written like this: 大樹) means "big tree". It's a fairly popular boy name during the last decades and doesn't refer to anything particular, except maybe the fact that he is a big brother.
Just like many other mediocre harem MC, the main problem with Taro is that he is extremely bland. There's literally nothing worth noticing about him. Now don't get me wrong, making one of your main characters an Average Joe isn't a bad thing in itself, and I know that a yandere having a crush on ordinary people is nothing uncommon in modern Japanese media. However, even the most boringly average person that you can think of still has defined personality, goals, and passions that makes them at least more interesting than a slice of stale bread. In our case, you could replace Taro with a random object and the story would still make as much sense, which usually isn't a good sign for a story meant to have a serious tone. Just like my name choice suggested it, I wanted my version of Taro to stay ordinary. However, I tried to flesh out the little characterization he originally has to make him stand out in his own way, so that the numerous girls' interest in him would feel a bit less unbelievable.
This is Daiki Tanaka, a 17-years old Japanese boy living with his parents and his little sister. Like many other Japanese high-schoolers, he goes to high school from Monday to Friday, attends classes, studies for his tests, and hopes he will be accepted in a good university. And just like many other teenagers, he is is having interrogations about what he wants to do after graduation, how his classmates view him, and whether he'll find himself a girlfriend. Clearly, he's just an average student. Among the typical students you can find in a school, Daiki is a hard-working one. Pressured both by his parents and himself to get the best opportunities he can to settle his future, he is self-conscious about his academic performances and is always trying to improve his grades. Thus, he preferred to remain clubless and spend his free time alone to focus on his studies. Most of the time, he is seen studying at the school library, or reading a book of classic literature next to the fountain. But behind this ordinary reserved bookworm loner appearance is a kind and cultivated boy with a strong sense of justice and a clear passion for the old texts he's reading, making him actually quite a charming person to spend time with for those who can see past his plain exterior. Ayano, of course, is one of those few people, but little did she know that she won't be the only one interested in her dear senpai.

Gameplay role

According to the wiki:

Gameplay-wise, Taro is more similar to a "moving obstacle" rather than a regular interactive student, as he cannot be interacted with normally.

And you see, to me, that's a big problem. You spend the entire game keeping rivals away from Senpai by killing them, making them uninterested in him, or ruining their reputation, and after all the bad experiences he had with those (rather) normal girls, you expect me to believe that the girl Senpai, the perfectly normal guy at all levels, ends up choosing is the creepy lonely student that he has barely spoken to? Nah, I don't buy it. This is why, in my rewrite, my Senpai would be (most of the time) considered as a regular student that you can actually interact with. That means, first, that Ayano wouldn’t get immediately flustered by him when approaching him. I understand that people, especially teenagers, can act shy, nervous, or a little clumsy when their crush are at sight, but seriously, the depiction of this behaviour in the game is completely ridiculous. So, in my hypothetical game, you will have a small amount of time where you will be able to act normally near Daiki and talk to him before your heart starts beating louder and the screen gradually turns pink. Past this point, things pretty much happen the same as in the official game, since Ayano is emotionally unstable. Naturally, the more you interact with Daiki, the longer you will be able to remain calm in his presence.
Now that Senpai can be interacted with, it’s time to explore the potential of this addition by giving him another feature regular students have: tasks. Even if you can withstand his aura a bit better than in the official game, most of the conversations you’ll have with him won’t be long due to Ayano’s shyness. So, if you want to befriend Daiki, those little errands are the key to increase your affinity with him. For a more immersive narration, Daiki's tasks won't be your usual fetch quests that you can accept or refuse, but small talk where you must pay attention and figure out what to do to by yourself. The tasks will be at first very simple, like bringing him his schoolbag that he forgot in his classroom or gifting him the book he wanted to buy. Then, as he feels more comfortable around you, he will start talking a bit more openly about his life and his preoccupations, naturally leading to more complex tasks with more vague formulations and less obvious solutions, such as helping him become less invisible among his classmates. What would be the point of doing all that, will you ask? Having a higher affinity with Daiki will allow Ayano to make him follow her if you need to tactically move him for one of your eliminations. He will also be more likely to reject the rivals’ love confessions in case you don’t have the time to deal with them yourself. Moreover, narrative-wise, I think having the main character interact with their love interest would be a more realistic and healthier depiction of romance in the story. Well, as “healthy” as a yandere can be. But of course, you could also completely ignore this mechanic and focus on eliminating if you want to.
Finally, I would like to improve the reactions he has regarding students' disappearances. Despite all those things happening near him, he is shocked for a bit and then just kinda... accept it like nothing strange happened? The second most important character of the game, ladies and gentlemen. I get it, Senpai is a loner, he is passive, and he is dense. But at this point, that's not being passive anymore, that's being a wooden plank. So, this is my take: Daiki's sense of justice and passion for literature gave him a natural curiosity for crimes because of its depiction in novels. When facing murder, he will mostly act according to the loner archetype. However, if too many deaths or disappearances near him stay unresolved by the police and his sanity is high enough, he will find the courage to take a more active role and investigate on the crimes himself. Obviously, Daiki won't be able to arrest anyone by himself, but he has the advantage of being directly at the crime place and closer to the people at school than the police. Thus, he could report them additional details that they might have missed, like a student acting stranger than usual, missing tools or places cleaner than usual. This could put you in trouble unless you cover your tracks very well, or just prevent him from investigating. And of course, I would also implement Senpai's sanity meter that has been promised for I don't know how much time (but honestly, are you still hoping for it to be implemented after all that happened?), although slightly reworked. Daiki's sanity would decrease with any person dying. The closer the person is to him, both physically and figuratively, the lower it would drop. The deaths that would affect him the most would thus be those of his sister, his childhood friend, or anyone murdered right in front of him. On the opposite, a random student dying at the other side of the school would barely have any effect. A low sanity would have various effects on Daiki depending on its value and the amount of time he has spent with the other students. Those effects could be taking private lessons due to his grades dropping, joining a certain club to feel safer, or shutting himself in at home in one of the worst scenarios. In any case, this would affect his routine. Just like in the official concept, he would be able to recover sanity with a long enough crimeless period or giving him gifts. Only now would the rivals also be able to use the later method to gain affection, making them act a bit more like romantic rivals. I hope you don't mind actually caring about your senpai's mental health.

Relationships with other characters

The rivals
Obviously, a reworked senpai means reworked dynamics with your main targets. Since detailing everything would be way too long for a single post, I'll just link here my take on the romantic rivals that I decided to keep in my hypothetical game, and here, what I'd do with the discarded ones. Since they are Daiki's closest people, and the most likely to affect his mood in the game, I'll still put here what I have in mind for my version of Osana and Hanako.
His sister
Just like his canon counterpart, Daiki loves his sister very much. A feeling that is reciprocated a bit too much. Unlike her brother who has a balanced lifestyle, the middle-schooler is a very clingy girl who can't imagine being away from him. She has the bad habit of leaving her school during lunchtime just to visit him, which greatly embarrasses Daiki. Even if he appreciates the time they spend together in the end, he knows that this behaviour is unhealthy, and hope that, one day, his sister will find the confidence to become more independent. In my rewrite, the little sister isn't a romantic rival, but someone that I'd call a "big obstacle", as her role is mainly to appear at random (or maybe not, I haven't decided yet) days during lunchtime and potentially mess up your planification for the day. You wouldn't want to kill someone in front of your crush's beloved sister, right?
His childhood friend
Daiki and his sister have known their neighbours' daughter for more than a decade. All three of them used to play together during their childhood. The neighbours' daughter is a brash and impulsive girl, whose personality clashes with Daiki's quieter nature. Despite frequently being at odds and arguing about trivial things, both of them deeply care about each other and would be the first person to help the other if they were having problems. Daiki and his friend didn't have many occasions to see each other since elementary school, until the girl coincidentally transferred to the same high school as him. Even if he is now more serious and reserved than before, deep inside, he is still the same kind boy that she knew. Now that they can once again spend much time together, the girl has come to realize she was in love with her dear friend, but her internal turmoil and her personality make it difficult for her to act sincere and confess her feelings. She stays otherwise pretty similar to Osana, except for the greater consequences when dealing with her by using lethal eliminations, and maybe the fact that she won't be the first rival to appear.
Budo (or whatever name I'll end up giving him)
Yes, you read it right. That guy that overshadows Senpai among the fans is one of his friends in my rewrite. Because even the most introverted individuals are able to develop relationships with people that aren't potential romantic interests. The leader of the martial arts club is an outgoing action-oriented boy who is pretty popular at school. Unlike Daiki, Budo always knew in his heart that his place would be in a dojo, and thus doesn't have much interest in academics. But despite having such different backgrounds and personalities, both boys share the same sense of justice and admiration toward heroes. When he's not attending classes, studying or reading, Daiki hangs out with Budo, and is sometimes invited to watch the martial arts club members practicing. If too many dangerous events happen around Daiki, Budo, as an aspiring hero and good friend, will propose to escort him at certain periods, becoming basically a part-time bodyguard.
Ayano
Nothing much to say here. Daiki unknowingly reminded Ayano, who has locked her heart for years, how great it is to have feelings when they first met, and now she wants to make sure nothing stands between them. How she will reach her ends is your decision. If she decides to spend time with him and do his tasks, he will think of her as a peculiar, but well-intentioned girl. Just like in canon, Daiki is oblivious to Ayano's feelings, but it's more due to the fact that they barely know each other.

Trivia

• Regarding his career choice, Daiki is hesitating between becoming an author, a lawyer or a criminologist.
• Like Taro, he also likes nature and gardening, but to a lesser extend.
• Sometimes, instead of a book of classic literature, you can see him reading the latest crime novel at the fountain. With a pen and a writing pad, because he's just that invested.
• Since he is friend with Budo, he sometimes feels too plain and boring compared to him regarding romance. If you use matchmaking to eliminate a rival, his self-consciousness will grow a bit stronger.
• He has never bought a panty shot from Info-chan, but honestly, do you really find this surprising, or even relevant? He has never even contacted Info-chan.
• I had quite the choice among popular Japanese boy names. Daiki could've been named "Yamato", "Daisuke", "Hiroto", "Yuto", "Yuu", or even "Satoshi" instead.
• In the official game, if Ayano commits a crime in his sight while wearing a mask, Taro will rip the mask off her face with no regard for his safety or his character consistency. I would like to get rid of this behaviour for Daiki, except for one specific circumstance.

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And that was my full-fledged take on Taro. When you have an ordinary person as a character in the middle of very colourful ones, the key to make the public care about him is to give them tangible preoccupations that, even if they aren't always relatable, make this character at least feel like a real person with human struggles and dreams, and not just a barebone plot device. And that might seems obvious, but if you have to write a love interest, make sure you actually show your public what your main character likes about him. That's even more important in the case where many people are attracted to this character. I tried to take those two things into account when rewriting Taro, and I know it's far from perfect, so don't hesitate to tell me what I should improve. In any case, if you made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to read this long post. I hope I'll find the motivation to do the same with other characters.

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⚠️ WARNING: Maasverse Spoilers—Proceed with Caution ⚠️

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Part 1: Characters and Courts (sorry for those who already saw this post and now it's gone. I realized after publishing that Reddit formatting deleted a solid CHUNK of detail after the fact. Gimme a few days and I'll get it back up and published)
Part 2: World Map, Items, Terms & Other - YOU ARE HERE
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If this is the first post you've landed on, see Part 1 above for an introductory explanation to this two part post.

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UK + IRELAND

PRYTHIAN

A combination of Prydain, the old Welsh name for Britain, and Brython, which translates to “Ancient Britons” from Welsh.

HYBERN

A riff of Hibernia, the Classical Latin name for Ireland.

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Artist of Prythian map: P-dulcis on redbubble

ADDITIONAL EUROPEAN-PARALLEL LOCATIONS

ILLYRIA

The Ancient Greeks used the term Illyria to define a region in the western part of the Balkan Peninsula. The numerous peoples who populated those areas were known collectively as the Illyrians. The region itself is quite mountainous.

THE MIDDLE

May refer to the Midlands, the central part of England, though geographically the Prythian map places the Middle central to Prythian, not central to England; with the Prythian inclusion of Scotland, the Middle on Prythian maps is located further north than the actual Midlands of England.

UNDER THE MOUNTAIN

A potential nod to the Schiehallion, a cone-shaped mountain often referred to as the center of Scotland. It's name comes from the Gaelic Sìth Chailleann, meaning "fairy hill of the Caledonians." On the southwestern side of the mountain is said to lie the well-concealed Uamh Tom a' Mhòr-fhir, a cave serving as an entrance to the underworld.
As the Schiehallion lies in the middle of Scotland (the Night Court) and not the middle of mainland UK (Prythian), the Sciehallion could instead be representative of Ramiel.

THE WESTERN ISLES

May refer to the Outer Hebrides, also known as the Western Isles, which is an island chain off the west coast of mainland Scotland. They are also sometimes known as Innse Gall, a Gaelic term meaning "islands of the foreigners/strangers" which was originally used by mainland Highlanders when the islands were ruled by the Norse.
ACOTAR role: The Prison is located in the Western Isles.

THE PRISON

Though located in the Inner Hebrides of Scotland rather than the Outer, the Prison may be a nod to Beinn Shiantaidh, which is Scottish Gaelic for "holy mountain." It is located on the western side of the Island of Jura and is the second highest peak of the Paps of Jura.
Fun fact: Pap is of Old Norse origin and means breast.

VALLAHAN

Valhalla is the hall of slain warriors in Norse mythology, located in Asgard, where those who die in combat live in peace under the leadership of the god, Odin. They are said to dwell in Valhalla until the events of Ragnarök, where they will then march out to fight in aid of Odin against the jötnar, a type of being in Germanic mythology.
ACOTAR role: Vallahan is a faerie territory located in the northwest portion of the Continent.

ADRIATA

The Adriatic Sea is located in Southern Europe and separates the Italian Peninsula from the Balkan Peninsula. It contains more than 1,300 islands.

BOG OF OORID

The Oorid Lough is a freshwater lake in the west of Ireland.

CRETEA

Crete is the largest and southernmost island in Greece.
ACOTAR role: Cretea is where Miryam and Drakon's people lived following the War.

LAPPLUND

Lapland is a geographic region in Northern Fennoscandia which covers much of the Nordic countries. It is also a province of Sweden and the largest region of Finland.
ACOTAR role: Lapplund is where the Cauldron was hidden.

ITICA

Ithaca is an island featured in the Odyssey and was the island home of Odysseus. It is also a real island in Greece. The Kathara Monastery is located in Ithaca.
ACOTAR role: Itica is one of three temples where the feet of the Cauldron were hidden.

MONTESERE

Montserrat is a mountain range near Barcelona.
ACOTAR role: Montesere is a fae territory located in the Continent's NW and is considered generally wealthy. They allied with the loyalists in the War.

RAVENNIA

Ravenna is located in Northern Italy and was the capital of the Western Roman Empire.
ACOTAR role: Ravenna is a fae territory on the Continent and allied with the Loyalists during the War.

DUNMERE

Dunmere is a hamlet in Cornwall, England.
ACOTAR role: Dunmere is a town located within the Night Court, between Velaris and the sea.

NEVA

The Neva is the fourth-largest river in Europe and is located in northwestern Russia.
ACOTAR role: Neva is one of the largest human cities on the Continent and is where the Archeron sisters' father travels to trade.

SCYTHIA

The Scythians were an ancient Eastern Iranic equestrian nomadic people who migrated from Central Asia to the steppes of modern-day Ukraine and Southern Russia.
ACOTAR role: Scythia is one of the territories of the human lands on the Continent, ruled by Queen Vassa. They are said to be a horse loving people.

ROSEHALL

Rosehall is the name of a remote hamlet in the Scottish Highlands.
Fun fact: The 2nd Duke of Westminster acquired the Rosehall estate and his mistress at the time, Coco Chanel, redecorated the interior to her own liking. Winston Churchill, a close friend of the Duke, also visited the estate.
ACOTAR role: Rosehall is mentioned in ACOFAS and is theorized to be the place where Azriel's mother resides.

AFRICA-PARALLEL LOCATIONS

THE BLACK LAND

Black Land translates from Kemet, a popular ancient name for Egypt, which is derived from the color of the fertile black soil along the cultivated area of the Nile valley.
ACOTAR role: The Black Land is a region of the continent where human slaves were ruled over by a High Fae queen. Miryam and Drakon joined the mortals in the War and freed Miryam's people by crossing the desert and eventually the sea.

THE ERYTHRIAN SEA

The Erythraean Sea, originally an Ancient Greek geographical designation, has been used as a name for the Red Sea which lies between Africa and Asia.
ACOTAR role: Drakon used his magic to split the Erythian Sea.

ASIA-PARALLEL LOCATIONS

XIAN

Xi'an is the the most populous city in Northwest China snd the second most popular tourist destination in China.
ACOTAR role: Xian is a Fae territory on the Continent and allied with the Loyalists during the War. A large majority of the Dawn Court is made of Fae from Xian, including Thesan's mother. Feyre remarks that Amren may have molded her mortal body after their peoples.

BHARAT

Bhārat is one of the two principal official short names for the Republic of India.
ACOTAR role: The Archerons lost their fortune when their father's ships sank on the way to Bharat.

RASK

May refer to Rask, a city in Iran, that serves as both capital of its county and district.
ACOTAR role: Rask is a Fae territory on the Continent and allied with the Loyalists during the War.

ADDITIONAL LOCATIONS

VELARIS

Possibly derived from the Latin vēlo*,* meaning "to veil, cover, wrap" along with "to hide, conceal" and "to clothe in." Could also derive from the Latin vēlum, meaning "to veil, curtain" and also indicates a tarpaulin acting as cover for outdoor spaces.

THE WALL

No singular reference, but the presence of a wall separating one race from another, often humans from mythical beings, is rife throughout history, mythology, and fantasy.
One from each category that has loose ties to ACOTAR: (1) Hadrian's Wall, ie the Roman Wall, a defensive fortification of the Roman province of Britannia. It spanned from coast to coast, cutting across the entire width of Northern England. (2) In Norse mythology, the Master Builder asking for the hand of the goddess Freyja as payment for constructing a wall around Asgard to defend the gods. (3) The English village of Wall in Neil Gaiman's Stardust, named after the wall separating the land of Faerie from the mortal realm, highly guarded and cautioned against for mortals seeking to pass through.

THE MOONSTONE PALACE

Romans linked moonstone to the moon goddess Diana (goddess of wild animals and the hunt) and Ancient Greeks linked it to their lunar deities Artemis, Hecate, and Selene.

SIDRA RIVER

Sidra is a name of Latin origin and means "Goddess of the stars" or "like a star."

RAMIEL

Ramiel is a fallen Watcher, a type of Biblical angel, one of the 20 Watchers that rebelled against God by mating with mortal women, therefore creating the Nephilim (Shadowhunters, anyone?). Ramiel means "God has thundered." Ramiel is sometimes conflated with Remiel, also known as Jeremiel, meaning "God shall have mercy," as is listed as one of the seven Holy Angels. He is the archangel of hope and is responsible for divine visions and guiding the souls of the faithful into Heaven.

POOL OF STARLIGHT

No plausible connection found, though there is a famous pool in Greek mythology—a pool Mnemosyne presided over in Hades, counterpart to the river Lethe. Dead souls would drink from Lethe to wipe their past lives from remembrance when reincarnated. Those who drank from Mnemosyne's pool remembered and halted their transmigration of the soul.

ATHELWOOD

Ethel (also aethel) is an Old English word meaning "noble." Athelwood can mean "noblewood."
ACOTAR role: Athelwood is Morrigan's estate located in the Night Court.

GOLLIAN MOUNTAINS

Göll is one of the named Valkyries from Norse mythology. Her name means "tumult," or "noise, battle."
ACOTAR role: The Gollian Mountains are where the Valkyries were slain during the War.

MYRMIDONS

In Ancient Greek mythology, the Myrmidons were an Ancient Greek tribe. In the Iliad, they are the soldiers commanded by Achilles. Myrmidon has also come to mean "a follower or subordinate of a powerful person, typically one who is unscrupulous or carries out orders unquestioningly."
ACOTAR role: The Myrmidons are a set of mountains serving as the border between the Day Court and the Night Court from which the Illyrians migrated.

CESERA

No direct reference found, but may allude to Caesarea, the name of numerous cities and locations throughout the Roman Empire.
ACOTAR role: Cesera is one of three temples where the feet of the Cauldron were hidden.

SANGRAVAH

No direct reference found (and I lost my mind searching for one). Closest I came to was the similarly sounding Angharad, a feminine Welsh name, long associated with Welsh royalty, history, and myth, including Arthurian legend.
ACOTAR role: Sangravah is one of three temples where the feet of the Cauldron were hidden.

GREENFIELD VILLAGE

No direct connection found, though Greenfield is the name of several villages of England.
ACOTAR role: Greenfield village is a neighboring village to where Feyre grew up and where Isaac Hale's wife is from.

WINDHAVEN CAMP

No connection found, though a separate Windhaven also appears in Tower of Dawn in the TOG series. Altun—Windhaven being the rough translation—is located in a three-peaked mountain range and is the home of Sartaq's hearth-mother and family.
Fun fact: Windhaven is the name of a science-fiction novel by George R. R. Martin and Lisa Tuttle following a group of humans who crash-landed on a foreign planet and learned to craft their own wings out of the spaceship wreckage.

THE WOLF'S DEN

No connection found, BUT fun fact: there is a named Wolf's Den castle in George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series (aka Game of Thrones) that now serves as a prison. "All the days were much the same inside the Wolf's Den, and any change was usually for the worse." A Dance with Dragons, Ch 29
ACOTAR role: The Wolf's Den is the name of the worst tavern in Velaris that Nesta is known to frequent.

SILVERSPRING CREEK

No plausible connection found, BUT fun fact: "Silver Springs" is a song written by Stevie Nicks, performed by Fleetwood Mac, and is so strongly ACOTAR-coded even my non-loving playlist-to-book self can't deny it. If you want more bread crumbles that SJM is a Stevie Nicks fan, "Rhiannon" and it's lyric origins have potential ties to the Rhiannon of TOG.
You could be my silver springBlue-green colors flashin'I would be your only dreamYour shinin' autumn ocean crashin'
Time cas t a spell on you*, but you won't forget me*I know I could have loved youBut you would not let me
ACOTAR role: Silverspring Creek is a stream running through Feyre's human village, near where she hunted rabbits.

STRYGA'S CASTLE

No direct reference found, but due to Stryga/the Weaver resembling a female demon akin to a vampire in Slavic mythology (see the Monster section above), it is possible Stryga's former home, before she was confined to her cottage, is reminiscent of Bram Stoker's 1897 Dracula and the Transylvanian Castle complete with three vampiric sister brides who entice men with their beauty and charm before proceeding to feed upon them.

The Night Sky

ARKTOS

Arktos, also written Arctus, means "bear" in Ancient Greek. Arktos was a centaur who fought against the Lapith spearmen. The Arktos Megale (aka Ursa Major, the Great Bear) is one of the original 48 constellations listed by Ptolemy who drew on earlier works by Greek, Egyptian, Babylonian, and Assyrian astronomers.
ACOTAR role: Arktos is one of the three regarded holy stars (the furthest left star) of the Illyrians and serves as part of the symbol for the Night Court. The echelon of Arktosian is reserved for Illyrians who survive the Blood Right but fail to reach Ramiel.

CARYNTH

May refer to Corinth, an ancient city that was one of the largest and most important of Greece, or Carinthia, the southernmost Austrian state in the Eastern Alps, noted for its mountains and lakes.
ACOTAR role: Carynth is one of the three regarded holy stars (the middle star) of the Illyrians and serves as part of the symbol for the Night Court. The echelon of Carynthian is reserved for Illyrians who scale the summit of Ramiel during the Blood Rite and are considered elite warriors.

ORISTES

Orestes (also spelled Orestes) means "stands on a mountain" and he is the subject of several Ancient Greek plays and myths concerning his madness and purification.
ACOTAR role: Orestes is one of the three regarded holy stars (the furthest right star) of the Illyrians and serves as part of the symbol for the Night Court. The echelon of Oristian is reserved for Illyrians who make it to the Ramiel during the Blood Rite but don't reach the top.

Locations not listed: A slew of various more minor locations have not been listed, including the Four Market Squares of Velaris, certain cottages and houses, and even the Ironcrest Illyrian war-camp.
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THE CAULDRON

There are many magical cauldrons present in various mythologies, one being the Pair Dadeni in Welsh mythology, a magical cauldron able to resurrect the dead, and the coire ansic of Irish mythology, the cauldron of the chief god of the Tuatha Dé Danann, which never ran empty.

TRUTH-TELLER

Possibly inspired by Fragarach, an Irish mythological sword known as "The Whisperer" or "The Answerer." It was the sword of Nuada, the first high king; it was said that no one could tell a lie with Fragarach at their throat and that the sword inflicting wounds from which no one could recover.

THE HARP

May refer to the uaithne, the magical harp of the Dagda, the chief god of the Tuatha Dé Danann in Irish mythology. It could control men's emotions and change the seasons.

THE MASK

In Egyptian culture, death masks were designed to guide the spirits of those mummified into the next world.

THE UNKNOWN 4th TROVE ITEM

Seen in a vision by Nesta via Lathys, which we now know to be the Horn, and may refer to the Gjallarhorn of Norse mythology, the sound of which is said to herald the beginning of Ragnarok.

ATARAXIA

Ataraxia, in Ancient Greek philosophy, was a state of calmness untroubled by mental or emotional disquiet, ie tranquility of the mind. It was considered the ideal mental state for soldiers entering battle.
ACOTAR Role: Nesta's Made sword.

GWYDION

Gwydion is a name meaning "born of the trees" and is the given name of Gwydion fab Dôn, a magician, hero, and trickster of Welsh mythology. Caer Wydion, the castle of Gwydion, was the traditional Welsh name for the Milky Way.
ACOTAR role: The Starsword and twin to Truth-Teller.

NARBEN

No direct reference found, though narben in German means "scar."
ACOTAR role: Narben is a lost sword from the Dread Trove.

OUROBOROS MIRROR

The ouroboros is an ancient symbol of a serpent or a dragon eating its own tale, first present in ancient Egyptian iconography and the Greek magical tradition, the term itself deriving from Ancient Greek. It has been used frequently and extensively throughout fantasy literature. It often symbolizes the cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

BOOK OF BREATHINGS

The Books of Breathing are a set of ancient Egyptian funerary texts that are intended to enable those deceased to continue their existence in the afterlife. It is a simplified form of the Book of the Dead.

VERITAS ORB

Veritas is of Latin origin meaning "truth." It is the name for the Roman virtue of truthfulness and in Roman mythology, Veritas is the Goddess of Truth. Universities and colleges such as Harvard use the term veritas as their motto.

SYMPHONIA

Symphonia is Greek in origin and was used to denote a variety of musical instruments.

AMARANTHA'S NECKLACE AND RING (JURIAN'S FINGER AND EYE)

Jurian's finger bone and eye, kept by Amarantha, are reminiscent of relics and reliquaries, often religious in nature. Relics typically consist of the physical remains or personal affects of a saint and the reliquary is the container that holds them.

FAEBANE

Possibly inspired by wolfsbane (aka aconite or monkshood), a poisonous flower ancient Greeks would poison arrows and bait with to hunt wolves. It is lethal and often fatal and is an oft-used plant and poison within the fantasy genre.
Fun fact: In Shakespeare's Hamlet, Hamlet himself was killed with an aconite-laced blade.

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DAEMATI

Potentially a combination of the Greek word dae (to give) and the concept of mati, labeled as "the evil eye" in Greek classical antiquity. Daemati may effectively mean "to give the evil eye."

THE WEAVER'S SONG

The Weaver's song, sung when Feyre was stealing Rhysand's ring from her cottage, is similar to "The Twa Sisters," a traditional murder ballad dating back to mid 17th century England. It tells of two sisters who travel down to a body of water where the older one pushes the younger one in. A harp or a fiddle is then made out of the murdered sister's body, which plays itself and sings about her murder.

my grandma was my everything. she was the reason i was alive, she was my reason to keep on going. she was there for me when nobody was, she was my grandma, mom, rock, caregiver, anchor, best friend and every person you would ever need in your life.
she was amazing, she packed me lunch, made me food, made me tea, made me breakfast, cared for me, loved me, watched my stupid "poppies" because i wanted to watch it, watched the news with me, took me to do fun stuff, studied with me, took me to eat out, took me to do so many things.
she supported me, loved me and she was just perfect. i would give so much and do so much to have her back. i would do so much to just give her one last hug. so to my grandma: dankie. vir alles. vir die persoon wat ouma was, en vir die persoon wat ouma my gemaak het. dankie vir alles wat ouma vir my gedoen het en vir alles wat ouma my geleer het. dankie dat ek die beste paar jaar van my lewe langs ouma kon wees. ek is bitter lief vir jou en wens jy was nog hier.
my grandma never failed me, she never dissiapointed me, she was never mean to me, she was never bad to me. she was always good to me and she cared so well for me. having that abruptly taken away from you hurts so much, i wasnt able to say goodbye and i wish i could. i wish i was able to give her one last kiss and tell her i love her and how much she meant to me.
i miss her so fucking much man, everything she said, did and believed in. i miss everything about her. her passing has caused the most pain ive ever felt in my life. i will never be the same as i was, i will never be anything like i used to be. this will stick with me forever. learning that she was in the hospital was already bad. but when that doctor said she was gone, it was like my whole heart, life, future and everything i had was ripped out of me. without my grandma, i was nothing, nobody. i was insignificant.
that phone call killed me, it ripped all of me away and threw it in the ditch. those first few days were painfull but the next few years were the worst. the worst pain ive ever experienced, a constant dreading feeling, a constant feeling of never having anything ever again, along with my family being the way they are, it was not much help.
the feeling that i felt on that night was empty. i felt like nothing, i felt numb and just dead. nothing felt real, i couldn't accept the fact that shes gone, everything ive ever had is gone, the most amazing woman ive ever met, was just gone. no goodbye, nothing. it was like a spear piercing through my heart. a slow growing pain that just seems to grow even more when i didnt think it could. subtely killing relationships, hobbies and me. it was like nothing ive experienced before.
the loss of my grandma was like the loss of my mother. she was my mother. her loss was the reason for everything, the person i am now and the person ill be in 50 years. i will never mive forward and never be okay.
i will always walk around with this pain. the rest of my life will be for her, all the pain and all the suffering is because of her. im not mad at her, im mad at the universe. for putting me through that at such a young age. she didn't see me go to high school, never saw me finish primary school, never see me get married, and ill never forgive myself for not being way better for her. she deserves the absolute world. i love her so much and will never forget her.
i like to think that in the end it will all be okay but in reality, i know it wont. i know there will always be a part of me that is gone. a mother figure, my mother. my best friend. my everything. its gone, i will only see her once i get to heaven and it hurts so much. i wish she was still here, with me. i would literally sell everything i own if it means i get to see her one last time and hug her. i would sell myself to just hug her and kiss her one last time.
i never want to experience such a pain ever again. i just want to be okay nowadays. i just want to feel normal. i want to feel like everything is going to be okay.
in reality i walk around every day with the worst pain you can imagine inside my heart, people dont see it becuase i hide it. some days it hits me harder than others and my whole day is fucked, my whole mood changes. i get quiet. its because something someone said or did reminded me of her and then its just a whole spiral of emotions.
i dont understand. what did i do? say? who did i hurt? what made me deserve this. ive been dying inside slowly but surely for the last 4 years and it never seems to get better. the pain just comes back and its stronger every time. it just comes in and escapes different every now and then. i can't seem to move past it, get over it. it just keeps hurting me further and further. it just keeps killing me.
i suffer in silence. ive just been trying to survive these last few years and its been hard. it was all going so good, i was so happy and everything was perfect and then suddenly, its all gone and ill never have it again. ill never truly be "okay" or "stable". ill always be this emotional wreck that doesnt know what to do. society says, you're a man, you shouldn't cry. while others say that having emotions is fine.
just the thought of my grandma can ruin everything. like first its all happy and then it just stabs me in the back.
all this was the reason i started vaping. that few seconds of a head rush felt so good, one time where i can focus on something other than the deafening pain constantly eating at me. it was like an escape, and i know im an addict but ive noticed that since i stopped, ive been getting happier. like the vaping just reminds me of the pain and why i do it. i need to find other things that make me happy to replace it.
the reason i became depressed i personally think is the fact that after my grandma passed, there was nobody. nobody at home i could talk to. i was just there, with my Playstation, feelings and thoughts. nobody ever spoke to me and nobody ever tried to speak to me. ive never been asked if im okay, if i need anything, if anyone can do something for me. after her death it was just me, at 13 years old, against the world. constantly battling with my parents, and constantly trying to handle the pain. it was me, and only me.
to this day, nothing is able to bring me back to life fully.

This is my first attempt and thanks so much in advance for any help at all. The novel itself isn't super plotty so I struggled a little with the query letter. Also have been lurking for ages in this sub and wanted to ask your opinion on whether the prose is "good enough" to count as Lit Fic, or if I should query as Upmarket or Contemporary? My mentor says its firmly LF, but neither she nor I have too much industry experience. And so so sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but will my pitch look overconfident if I call it Literary Fiction but I haven't got an MFA etc? As in, is it advisable to query it as LF if I don't have the credentials for it?
Thanks SO MUCH in advance
(Intro)
After his teenage son dies in an attempt to burn down an arms dealership, a migrant oceanographer develops a fascination with collective bioluminescence: a phenomenon called kavaru in Kerala and mareel in the Shetland Islands.
Jomon had sworn off politics altogether when his card-carrying Marxist father was dragged off to jail under Indira Gandhi's dictatorship, leaving his fifteen year old son to look after the large family for half a decade. But after three degrees, 25 years and a move to Scotland, Jomon is greeted by a knock on his door and the news that his teenage son, the fiery anarchist Madhav, had perished during a foiled attempt to set fire to an arms dealership.
A meditation on grief, foreclosed revolutions and insurgent inheritances, The Best and the Brightest intertwines three "failed" migratory trajectories with the punitive borders that enabled them. It follows Jomon in the year immediately after Madhav's death, as he attempts to neutralise and navigate the public reaction to his son's death, and develops an obsessive interest in mass oceanic bioluminescence, a fixation inherited from the boy himself. Across 85,000 words, the temporally and geographically acrobatic narrative pins itself to "little uprisings" in the lives of the revolutionary patriarch Matthai, the apolitical scientist Jomon, and the radical antiracist activist Madhav.
(Closing - I haven't picked comps yet, but I'd say COVENANT OF WATER for sure… Do LMK if anyone has suggestions)

• 300 -

It is two years ago and they are in Kumbalangi, where the air tingles with the onset of a thunderstorm. The three of them have gone to the end of the world to fetch a cure for Madhav's relentless need to save the world, even as Jomon's bones tell him it is much too late. Wind howls in his ears, and somewhere a thousand clocks are ticking like ritual drums.
"Ithanu ninte priyapetta kavaru," says his father to his son, fondly, chest-deep in blue fire. "Ithreye ullu, kandille?"
Here is your precious shimmering sea. This is all it is, see?
Madhav, waterlogged knee-scabs and all, gives a conspiratorial nod. Yet another word in the language of changing-the-world Jomon excluded himself from. For him, it had always been plankton or little unicellular organisms or something along those lines and frankly if it turned out kavaru was in fact something fantastical beyond Jomon's understanding then so be it, he didn't give a damn. But Matthai is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with his son and he feels an uncharacteristic, unnecessary pang of envy. Ennokoru chukuilla, he thinks blindly, I don't give a damn.
Madhav's back is turned and steady but his glee is obvious. He is turning to stone before Jomon's eyes and no matter how tightly he holds him he cannot save him. He clenches his fist and raises it in the air as if a laal-salaam could hold the little lights forever. But the luminescence fades from his skin with a thundering black stillness. The boy turns around, meets his eye, and says: "imagine it was just like this, the whole world wide".
Every clock inside of Jomon stalls, then stops.