Suring basa tata selo ni rogelio sikat

I'll go first. Super deserving si KAILA ESTRADA maging artista, if yall watched cbml, sila lang ni maris ang natotolerate kong panoorin pagdating sa actingan. John and janice's talent was really passed to her.
Di deserving, DONNY PANGILINAN. I'm a fan don't get me wrong, i've been wtaching him since jpd era pa. I even made a donbelle twt acc way back 2020, kaso as someone who has been in the industry for 8 years ganyan pa rin acting niya? Sure nag improve siya, i've watched every film of his (fan nga eh) and makikita mong nag improve siya sa love is color blind kaso stagnant na eh. Di pa rin siya aktor na disente umarte knowing na ang dami niya ng leads at ang tagal niya nang umaarte. Artista siya, trabaho niya yan, pero di ibig sabihin ay pabanjing banjing nalang siya dahil sikat siya. He could've been a matinee idol next to rico yan knowing na he embodied such intelligence, wisdom, eloquence, and physique. Tall, dark, handsome guy who went to brent int school and UP, a christian who has modern beliefs, well mannered and gentleman, in a family of well known actors, businessmen, and politician, and everytime he talks seriously he's eloquent, classy, and intelligent plus points for his political stance. see? Perfect na sana eh, ayusin niya lang trabaho niya. Wag puro mukha at pakilig kay belle. I think the loveteam destroyed belle and donny's potential as an actor, but it did open doors for the both of them.
This is a constructive criticism, i hope everyone takes it lightly. And sa mga nagsasabing di nepo baby si donny, he is. Sinong normal aspiring filipino actor ang makakapunta sa birthday ni julia b para mascout? Ik di ginamitan siya ng connection ng mama niya (who knows lol), pero may name eh. May privilege to meet the scout manager. May privilege to be at that party so nepo baby siya please lang. Haha how about kayo?

Bear with me lang kasi napakahaba nito. Haha. Parang entire relationship namin iku-kwento ko na. I just need to let it all out.
I (26, F) just recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend (29).
Backstory lang -- nagpursigi talaga siyang ligawan ako kahit na ilang beses ko siyang inayawan nung una. Eventually, I fell for him. There's just something about him that was very charming and endearing. In this case din, totoo yung 'he fell first, but she fell harder'. Lol.
Nung una okay naman kami. Like any other normal relationship, may mga away but we always fix things. Usually, the fights were caused (directly or indirectly) by his strong personality. He's egoistic and admittedly, mayabang. Masyadong mataas ang tingin sa sarili. Sure, he did have redeeming qualities pero we weren't really compatible given na I'm the meek and unassuming type of person naman. Still, I accepted those not-so-good traits. Wala, mahal ko na eh. I also always tell myself na despite my imperfections, he still loved and accepted me. Kumbaga, I'm seeing him through rose-colored glasses 'di ko napansing sobrang red flag na pala niya. Haha.
So, our problems started a few months into the relationship. I didn't know or noticed before, pero sobrang alcoholic nya to the point na inuumaga na ng uwi. Wala naman siyang maoy or what and it seemed like mataas lang talaga alcohol tolerance niya so parang 'di nalalasing, so at first, pinagbibigyan ko lang. Sabi nya, yun nalang naman daw ang pahinga nya at enjoyment. So kahit naiinis ako, eventually I got used to letting him be. And there he went, abusing the freedom and leniency I gave him.
Nagsimula yung 'di na siya naga-update 'pag nasa inuman siya with workmates. Nagpapaalam, oo. Alam niyang papayagan ko siya eh. Pero simpleng updates man lang kung ano nang ginagawa niya a few hours after niya magpaalam, or kung pauwi na ba siya, 'di niya kusang gagawin hanggang 'di ko kukulitin. And 'pag dumating na yung point na naiiinis na 'ko sa pinaggagawa niya, ako pa yung masama at di nakakaintindi. Gaslighter amp.
There's this one time na galing siya sa isang event somewhere outside Metro Manila nang isang weekend. He promised na after ng event, he'll visit sa bahay para naman makasama ko siya. I suggested it because I missed him and weekends was the only time we get to spend time together. I have always valued it. So dumating ang 9 pm, 10 pm. Ni ha, ni ho wala. I was crying when he finally picked up my call. Turns out, sa barkada pala dumiretso. Setting my pride aside, I begged him to just stay the night at our house (he sometimes did with my parents' permission). He promised again na he'll do just that so I would stop crying. Still, he broke that promise. Dumating ang 12 am, tinawagan ko yung barkada at yun nga, natulog na lang ang lolo niyo dun. This was probably where all the disrespect started. Pero dahil tanga ako, pinatawad ko at nagpatuloy pa rin ang relationship namin.
A few days naman into our anniversary, we had the biggest fight. Eto talaga 'di ko makakalimutan. So, I started getting jealous of this one girl na he was constantly stalking online. Mestiza si girlie, maganda at sexy. Typical tiktokerist na medyo sikat online, ganun. I didn't want to confront him about it kasi I don't wanna come off as insecure (even though I was feeling that way na deep inside). I'm not unattractive in any way, pero nakakababa naman talaga ng self-confidence yung ganun. So with that in mind, I admittedly started being paranoid 'pag lumalabas na naman siya with friends, especially 'pag may babaeng kasama.
At eto na nga, he was out drinking and I was pestering him with calls kasi 'di na naman macontact. When he finally answered, I heard typical bar noises but what really stood out was a female voice beside him at dun na nagpanting 'yung tenga ko. He ended the call na siya pa 'yung annoyed while there I was, feeling sick to my stomach. I wasn't thinking straight and decided to go where he was. Nag-book ako ng ride against my mom's will dahil gabing-gabi na. Pero I didn't care dahil gusto ko siyang puntahan. I sent him a message na I'll come pick him up para sa bahay nalang siya matulog. Silly me, pagdating ko dun sa bar, wala na sila nung mga kasama niya. Tried calling him a few times, no answer. So I ended up crying alone in 7-eleven like the idiot I was. Lol.
And didn't I say na biggest fight? Kasi it turns out, my mom intervened this time. Seeing me do stupid things and cry my eyes out for this person must have really struck a nerve as a mother. She sent a lengthy message to him, with all the hurtful and insulting things she could probably think of. Natural, nagalit si ex. I woke up seeing his message with a screenshot of my mom's chat and to him being furious and not wanting to talk to me. Despite what he has done the other night, I was the one apologizing. I panicked and went to his house, wanting to reconcile. What shocked me was, he suddenly wanted to end things. I was desperately sobbing, begging him not to leave me. I haven't cried that much my entire life. Stupidly, I even called my mom and asked her to apologize for the things she said. (Looking back, I was really such an asshole to my mom who was only looking out for me). Ang ending, we patched things up. Even celebrated our anniversary. Things we're starting getting back to normal. Or so I thought.
November 2023, he went out drinking again with a friend. Now, I didn't really like this friend of his because he just screams trouble. But because of everything that went down the past few months which almost ruined our relationship, by this time, I already learned to be more compromising and chillax lang sa relationship namin. So I obliged. I woke up at 3 am, no updates. I just had this feeling na something was very wrong. I started getting worried and tried videocalling him numerous times, no answer. A few minutes later, he called (not vc, audio lang), saying na nasa bahay na daw siya at natutulog na. Hindi ako naniwala and tried vc-ing him some more. Nung nakulitan sa'kin, saka lang umaming nasa labas parin kasama netong friend niya. He lied daw para 'di na ko mag-worry at matulog na ulit. 'Di naman daw siya gagawa ng kalokohan. I was so mad but decided to let him be. I have work that day and again, I don't wanna be the overthinkeparanoid type of girlfriend anymore.
The next day, 'di siya nagmessage maghapon. 'Di rin ako kumain maghapon. Nagchat lang siya para magpaalam nalang ulit na a-attend ng birthday party. Tuluyan na 'kong nawalan ng gana all the way through dinner. At dahil dun, I fainted and had to be rushed sa ospital. That's the only time he decided to show up. I don't know if it's out of love or guilt lang talaga, pero he stayed by my side and everything was okay again for a while.
December 2023, few days before Christmas. We were spending time together sa room nya. Nung nakatulog siya, I started getting this nagging urge to check his phone. We knew each other's phone's passwords and at first puro okay lang naman yung mga nakikita ko. Until I stumbled upon this private folder sa gallery niya. There were several files. I just knew I had to see it. With some luck and divine intervention na rin siguro (thank you Lord), I successfully opened the folder. At 'di ko kinaya yung mga nakita ko. Parang gumuho 'yung mundo ko that time and my mind just went blank. In that folder, there were sex videos of him and a woman I don't recognize. Nanginginig yung buong katawan ko at 'di ko na nagawang tapusin lahat ng recordings. Pinaghahampas ko siya habang tulog at pinakita yung nadiscover ko. Dahil wala na siyang lusot, inamin niya lahat. And again dito na naman papasok yung drinking problem niya. Lasing daw siya at 'di niya na alam yung ginagawa niya. Nakilala niya lang daw itong random girl na 'to and they hit it off. Nagbook pa sila ng motel. He said na one night stand lang yun, it doesn't mean anything and walang affection dun. I was having none of it. What's worse was that it happened the same night he went out with that friend and the day before ako na-hospitalize. All this time na inaalagaan niya ko, may tinatago na pala siyang kalokohan.
I thought of leaving his house and coming home, pero I was worried of how my mom would react if she finds out. The I-told-you-so's would have added salt to the wound. So again stupidly, I stayed. I cried my eyes out alone in his room while he went out dahil alam niya daw ayaw ko siyang makita. Lol, damn right. I was in such a bad shape physically, emotionally and mentally and had no one else to talk to. Then, I thought of opening up to this friend/workmate of mine who also knew him and his tendencies. Note that my then boyfriend hated this guy's guts for some reason. I've come to realize, maybe because they're complete opposites in terms of values and principles.
Like any person with common sense, this friend advised na I should think of myself first and with how my then boyfriend is causing me so much pain, I should assess our relationship. That I should think carefully and decide what's right for me. What's frustrating is, looking back to how many times this friend told me to always think of what's best for me, I still went back to my ex again and again. Konting suyo, bibigay agad. I just can't stay mad at him for too long. Nakakatanga nga talaga ang pagmamahal.
January 2024 came and we were still together. I wanted a fresh start and leave all the worst things that happened behind. We decided to finally live together, and again this caused conflict between us and my mom. But I knew deep in my heart that this was all that we needed to keep our relationship from falling apart. Boy, I was so wrong.
The first few months, I was genuinely happy. We still have our fights here and there, but otherwise everything was smooth-sailing. He was still his old alcholic self too, but at least he wasn't being unfaithful. Again, akala ko na naman yun.
Firstly, nakikipagkwentuhan siya sa IG dun sa isang workmate na kilala ko lang sa mukha. Now, I'm not against him having female friends and I even knew some personally and have good relationship with them. Pero this one's just different. With the way their conversation was going, I knew there was something wrong. Too personal and minsan ako pa yung topic. I was uncomfortable with what's happening na kahit wala pa namang ginagawa yung girl, naiirita ako pag nakikita ko siya (for context, we have common friends so we saw each other a few times). When I finally confronted him about it, itinigil naman nya. I thought that was the end of it.
But here comes the hellish final weeks. The first time was nung nahuli ko na naman siyang ini-stalk yung dati niyang kinukursunada (remember the mestiza girl?). He would again say na wala lang yun, lasing lang siya kaya niya sini-search sa socials. Or yung friend niyang may gusto dun yung nang i-stalk gamit yung account niya.
At eto na nga yung di ko kinaya. One day last March, I went home around 11 pm to see him sleeping but almost naked with his private part sticking out of his underwear, with you-know-what spilling out. Obviously, he did that thing men do when they're alone and horny. It was so sick and I was so hurt. I wondered who he was thinking of while doing that. I was so dumbfounded with what he said too when I woke him up. Lalaki pa rin naman daw siya. Like wtf. Ang masakit pa, before ako umuwi, he asked for food kasi di pa daw siya kumakain. Ako naman 'tong si tangang excited bilhan siya ng kini-crave niya na food dahil alam kong matutuwa siya. Ako naman ang kini-crave, appreciation. Nagkanda-dapa dapa pa ko on the way home. Haha. I was feeling so helpless at this point I couldn't do anything but to just cry alone sa CR. Haaay.
One day naman, one of his friends/workmate came over and nag-inom sila until they drop. Imagine the shame and disrespect I felt when he made that guy sleep in the very same room we shared together. I just couldn't take the humiliation he's putting me through and the absurdity of the situation, so I told him I wanted to go home. He just wouldn't understand na babae ako at kahit siguro sino 'di magiging komportable sa ganun. But he wasn't budging and told me to just sleep. Then he just had to ask this question: 'Gusto mo bang makatikim ng ibang lalake?'. I just snapped. Nanginginig buong katawan ko sa galit and I went out. I just had to get out of there. Mukha akong tangang umiiyak in my pajamas pa sa labas ng bahay but I didn't care anymore.
I didn't know sinundan niya ako at nakita niya kong nagbubook ng ride. Inagaw niya yung phone ko and told me he'll just take me home. Pero tapos na daw kami pag umuwi ako. Admittedly, naduwag ako. At that time, I still love him very much. Being my indecisive self, we just sat there by the road, arguing. Me sobbing uncontrollably, him telling me na bakit daw ba ako nakikipag-close dun sa friend/workmate ko (the one who I open up our problems to). At my friend was the reason pala kung bakit tinanong niya yung kadiring tanong na 'yun sakin (kung 'gusto ko daw ba makatikim ng ibang lalake'). I kept reassuring him na he's just a friend, pero all he did was throw insults at this person. Para kaming tangang dalawang nakalupasay sa kalsada sa harap ng bahay nila. In the end, I just decided to stay and sleep no matter how uncomfortable and disgusted I felt. I was so drained and numb.
The final straw was this one time na hindi na naman niya sinasagot yung mga tawag ko after his shift ended. Nung ako na yung nag-out from work (I work 'til late night), I saw that my messages were still left on delivered. De javu, I thought. Tried calling him a few times, 'di pa rin sinagot. I'm halfway home nung nag-chat na siya, saying he was at home the whole time, nag-iinom with workmates. I can smell his bullshit from miles away. Tried confirming sa mga kasama namin sa bahay while nasa byahe ako, at tama nga yung hinala ko, kakauwi palang niya. Once at home, nakita ko na siyang tulog. I checked his phone. At dahil pinalaki ako ni Detective Conan, nalaman ko kung saan talaga siya galing. Sa isang condo. Wala akong ibang kilalang may condo unit kundi yung kinalolokohan niya. At this point, I didn't even cry despite the betrayal. Manhid na 'ko. I just needed for him to tell me the truth. In the end, deny to the max pa rin. Nasa ibang lugar daw siya at kaya lang daw hindi nagpaalam at nagsinungaling ay dahil magagalit ako at mag-aaway kami. That's when I realized I've finally had enough and decided to move out the next day.
It's been more than a month since we broke up. The tables have turned and now he's the one begging. Because of that, I had to go through a lot of relapses and mental breakdown. Part of me aches for him since he has no one else na (he doesn't have any real family members anymore, he does live with his foster family though). Tells me na ako lang kakampi niya pero iniwan ko pa rin siya. Na kasing sakit ng pagkawala ng mother niya yung pag-iwan ko sa kanya. Na his world fell apart when I left and that he now realizes my worth. But the bigger and more rational part of me just wants to let go and have my peace back.
I can also see how the situation is really killing him. I've never seen him so unfocused at work (he takes his job very seriously) to the point na nagbabagsakan talaga performance scores niya. I've never seen him this desperate to win me back na kahit magmukha siyang tanga sa harap ng ibang tao like my work friends, okay lang. I keep on pushing him away and I'm feeling a bit guilty for the pain he's going through right now. I know he deserves it, pero he's on the verge of ruining his life. Kanina lang nalaman kong 'di siya pumasok nung Friday dahil nagpakalasing magdamag.
Sorry na agad sa word vomit but ABYG for leaving him? Sabi kasi nila if you really love someone, you work things out and not give up on each other. I'm afraid that it will just be the same vicious cycle if balikan ko siya (not that I plan to) but I still care for him a lot.
Also, g@g0 rin ba ko for falling out of love kahit one month palang kaming nag-break kasi I'm starting to feel admiration for someone else now? (the very same friend/workmate of mine he hates so much)
TIA sa mga magtitiyagang magbasa at sumagot. It feels good to let it all out.
Edit 1: For typos and clarity. Thank you so much sa insights niyo so far and pag confirm na GG ako kung babalikan ko. Haha.
Edit 2: Appreciate y'all talking some sense into me. I finally blocked him on all socials para wala na talaga kaming connection. I was delaying doing just that for a while now because I still care about him nga and in case lang rin of emergency since nag-iisa na nga siya sa buhay (wala naman kasing pakialam talaga sa kanya yung foster family niya).

I have a stable job as I work in a government agency. Senior Officer nang maituturing. Middle Manager. Above average salary but I cannot really say that's it's high paying.
Okay naman yung work noon. Naffulfill ako, nag eenjoy ako. Hindi siya same sa routine office job. Nagbabago ang ginagawa palagi yun nga lang may mga regular programs na inaantabayanan every month. Lately, sobrang nabburnout ako to the point na every night na akong umiiyak and atat na atat nang magresign. Bf says mag resign na ako kung hindi na ako masaya at makakagawa naman ako ng paraan. Ayoko namang gawin though dahil ayokong walang fallback.
Panganay kasi ako at may pressure to provide although hindi ako pinipilit. But you know what I mean? Nandun pa rin yung feeling na kailangan mo.
Iniisip ko nga wag muna ako magprovide at may lupa akong na acquire back in pandemic and currently tinatrabaho ng parents ko iyon. Lahat ng yield ay sa kanila and di ako kumukuha ng share kahit ang usapan namin noon bibigyan ako ng share dahil sakin nakapangalan. Pero hinahayaan ko dahil gusto ko pag nagkasakit sila ay may pagkukunan sila ng pera. I know nahahandle naman ng nanay ko yung pera na lumalabas and pumapasok sa lupa.
Anyway, nabburnout ako kasi sobrang dami ng trabaho na lahat ng oras ko trabaho nalang. Walang sabado o linggo o gabi o madaling araw. Kailangan anytime ready ka. May point pa na may mga outing kami pero sa sobrang anxiety ko ay nagdadala ako ng laptop just in case tawagan ako. Hindi bayad yung mga OT at wala ring compensatory time off. OTy lang. feeling ko hindi rin ako naaappreciate. Laging hindi sapat kahit na sa competition between offices ay rank 1 naman ang mga hinahawakan ko. May time din na pinagsasabihan ako sa harap ng ibang tao at minemention sa gc na para bang lahat ng ginagawa ko ay mali. Ang sakin lang, hindi ba pwedeng private conversation ang mga ganitong bagay? Feeling ko I am always being shamed. May mga bullies din na tumanda na sa trabaho and sobrang demanding na akala mo sila ang nagpapasweldo sa amin. Yung tipong hindi ko na trabaho pero para macomply ko yung hinihingi ng higher offices ay ako ang gagawa for them. Nagagalit naman din sila pag hindi sila pinagbigyan sa mga pakiusap nila. Pakiramdam ko ngayon ay hindi ako competent, bobo ako at hindi ko deserve ang lahat.
Kaya naman sobrang dalang ko magpost about work. Any achievements or recognitions ay di na nagccause ng saya sakin.
Basically low morale na talaga ako. Ibibigay ko yung best ko sa trabaho pero hindi na ako nag eextra mile. Hindi naman nila nakikita eh. Hindi na talaga ako masaya.
Sabi ng ibang napagsabihan ko, baka ngayon lang to at bugso ng damdamin pero mahigit isang taon na kasi hindi na siguro bugso ng damdamin ito. Sabi rin nila huwag akong aalis at sayang ang government position lalo na at sure akong aakyat pa pero nasa point na ako na wala na sa akin ang position. I want out.
Also, narealize ko na ayoko na ring mastuck sa ganito nalang ang gagawin ko hanggang tumanda ako na hindi ako makakabuild din ng more skills at maraming network at experiences.
Para makaalis, nagpplano ako magstart ng business. Photo mirror booth habang kaunti ang nasa market ay papasukan ko na with a plan to expand and offer more services. Maliit and limited resources muna. Mahalaga makasimula. Nasa events naman ako noon though hindi ko lang nasustain and nabuild yung network dahil medyo di ako interesado noon at nagstart nga ng work sa government in which akala ko ito na ang gusto kong gawin habang buhay.
Sabi ko sa bf ko, magresearch and survey muna ako and try kung makaconnect ulit sa mga dating kilala ko sa events pero sure akong gagawin itutuloy ko ito. Kaso, lalong tumindi ang anxiety when one day, hindi sadyang nagkita kami ng dating kasama ko sa isang organization sa isang lugar. Event supplier sila. Established na name nila sa industry. So you know, nakita ko as opportunity, medyo kapal muks at lumapit at nangumusta hanggang sa naipasok ko yung plan ko na magopen ng photobooth.
Diniscourage nila ako dahil mahirap na raw pasukin yung ganung business, matindi ang competition, may mga businesses na kahit marami raw ang equipment at sikat dati ay napipilitang magclose, maliit daw ang kita, and may enough network daw ba ako. Ang nasa isip ko lang that time is 'hala ito yung pinakamalapit sa something na nageenjoy akong gawin. Photography.' Nagssideline kasi ako as photographer back in college. Kahit 1.5k per events ng mga friends ko noon ok na as pambaon.
So ngayon, nagddoubt na ako if kaya ko ba ipenetrate yung industry... if di kaya ipenetrate, ano nang gagawin ko. Iniisip ko kaya naman siguro, kailangan ko lang ng malakas na marketing, get few clients, and eventually mabbuild ko yung network and name. May vision naman ako kung anong gusto kong mangyari sa business. Ganun naman sa simula minsan start ka sa zero. Pero napapaisip din ako, magwwork ba kung walang tutulong saking magsimula sa industry? No boost?
Hindi naman sa nagmamadali ako makaalis na pero ayokong umabot ako sa edad na marrealize ko na eto pa rin ako at hindi na nakaalis. Andito ulit ako sa point na lost nanaman ako kung anong gagawin ko. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ako and feeling ko lumulutang pakiramdam ko.
Sabi ni bf, isang perspective palang naman yun... hindi lang yun yung perspective nam meron and it should not affect me and my plans pero u know what i mean? Paano kung imposible talaga?

Hi mga par, nag install na ako reddit kasi ala na talaga akong masabihan. Sobrang bigat na sa pakiramdam.
I (25) had a girlfriend (25) for 3 years (ex ko na now), she was my first sa lahat. Nung una masayang masaya kami, I made her my world. Lahat binuhos ko sa kanya kasi ganun ko nga sya kamahal. I stood by her nung akala nya walang taong mag s'stay sa kanya and walang may magpapahalaga sa kanya. I made sure na maparamdam ko sa kanya na mahalaga sya and worth loving. Umabot na sa point kung saan mas pinipili ko sya kesa sa mga kaibigan ko kasi she always wanted me to be around and she gets jealous sa mga close friends ko whenever we hang out.
Being my first relationship, akala ko okay lang yun kaya di ako nagdadalawang isip na mag decline sa lahat ng invites ng mga friends ko para makasama sya. Inintindi ako ng mga kaibigan ko and wala namang bad blood sa kanila about it. They still treated me the same kahit most of the time MIA ako, or pag nakakasama man ako sa kanila, panay kausap lang din ako sa girlfriend ko.
Almost 1 and a half year na relationship namin pero hindi nya parin ako kayang ipakilala sa family nya and friends nya, samantalang sa akin legal na legal na kami. Hindi ko yun ginawang big deal tas piniling intindihin lang sya. 2 years naging kami, nakagraduate and work na. Akala ko this time kaya na nya akong ipakilala sa side nya pero wala parin. As usual, pinipilit kong intindihin. Nung mga panahong yun, nagsimula din syang maadik sa mga online games, dami nyang nakilalang bagong 'friends' through the game and hinayaan ko lang kasi she claimed na wala syang mga friends sa kanila. Walang problema yun sa akin, gusto ko rin sya makitang may mga kaibigan.
Then isang gabi, inaya nya ako maglaro with them, pumayag ako kahit di naman ako marunong maglaro. Buong time wala sila iba ginagawa kundi asar asarin gf ko sa isang guy sa team. Tawa tawa lang sya and hindi manlang pinapatigil kaya kinausap ko sya. Sya pa 'tong nagalit sa akin kasi daw selos ako eh wala lang daw yun. My feelings were invalidated and nag cause pa ng away namin. Tumigil ako mag laro kasi di ko talaga kinakaya yung mga flirting nila, sa presence ko pa.
Fast forward, inaaya ko sya palagi mag date. Nakapagset na kami ng schedules ng mga lakad namin, planado na lahat, hintay nalang kami dumating yung mga araw na yun. I would wait for her for hours, kahit anong tawag sa kanya hindi sya sumasagot. Nakakapagod. Magrereply sya after 3-4hours na para sabihing next time nalang kami mag date kasi naglalaro sila ng mga kaibigan nya. I felt numb. Paulit ulit ganun. Inopen ko sa kanya yung problem pero pinalabas nyang kasalanan ko pa kasi nasasakal daw sya sa akin? Wtf lang? Lahat isinisi nya sa akin kasi ang bilis ko magselos, di ko raw sya hinahayaan, etc. Seryoso ba sya? Pero alam nyo na nangyari, ako yung nag beg na ayosin ulit.
2 years and a half, nalaman ko nalang na nag hotel sila ng friend nyang kakilala nya lang and nag inom. Di nya raw sinabi sakin kasi alam nya di ako papayag. T*nginang reason yan. Once again, ininda ko sakit. Ubos na ubos na ako. Ni hindi man lang sya gumagawa ng paraan para bumawi sa akin. Ni wala man lang syang ginagawa to return the affection I have given her all those years, and yes, di parin kami legal sa side nya.
3rd year in the relationship, I started pulling myself away from her. Hindi na ako nag e'effort for our dates, no more gifts, ang dry na ng conversations, kung di ako unang mag memessage wala rin akong matatanggap. Hanggang sa kinausap nya ako, inaaway nya ako kasi raw wala na akong ginagawa for 'us' di na raw ako nag bibigay effort to make her happy and feel special. Naiinggit na raw sya sa mga nakikita nya online. I told her my reasons, I told her na pagod na akong hintayin sya to see my worth. To make me feel na hindi lang ako yung nasa relationship. Na gusto ko rin maramdamang enough ako at mahal ako.
Pagod na akong ibuhos lahat sa kanya pero wala syang ginagawa para sa akin. Napaka one-sided nung relationship namin. Nagalit lang sya sa akin. Nagalit sya kasi demanding daw ako. Di raw ako marunong mag appreciate. Lahat binaliktad nya. I just felt numb. Pinag mumura nya ako, sinisi nya ulit sa akin lahat. "Ayoko na." yun nalang nasabi ko sa kanya. I wasn't even surprised nung nag agree sya na makipag break. It was so easy for her.
Gusto ko lang naman na makita at malaman nyang napaka unfair nya. Yung isinugal ko lahat para sa kanya pero sya ni hindi man lang ako kayang ipakilala sa pamilya nya, kahit sa mga kaibigan nya. Nakikita ko parin sya ngayon, masaya naman sya. May bago na. Parang walang nangyari.
Samantalang ako, hanggang ngayon, tinatanong saan ako nagkulang, saan ako nagkamali, at kung pwedeng tanggalin yung sakit na nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko rin alam pano mag move on from her. Hanggang ngayon mahal ko parin, kahit paulit ulit akong sinasaktan.
And yes, hanggang sa naghiwalay kami, di ako kilala ng family and friends nya. Pero yung bago nya hard launched agad.
Edit:
I have enough savings from my salary. Hindi nanghihingi fam ko sa akin kahit piso kaya nakapag ipon ako ng decent amount. I was supposed to buy a lot this year para magpagawa ng house and propose sa kanya. I guess it really was a blessing in disguise. Pero sakit parin. HAHAHA

So meron akong last post dito about sa bagong crush ko non, si squidward. And if may mga naka basa non, you'd know na malala selos ko kay heather HAHAHHAHAHA
WELP. Turns out mali pala pinagseselosan ko. So sabi nya sakin nung nag confess ako sa kanya nung valentines, "Let's see where this goes". Edi yon. Fast forward to April 24-25 madaling araw, nagchat sakin kaibigan ko. Tinatanong nya kung anong klaseng tao raw ba si squidward, pano ako in-apptoach, kamusta na raw ba kami, nag uusap pa ba kamo etc. Edi sobrang na curious ako kung bakit, nainis na rin dahil ayaw nyang sabihin sakin bakit bigla syang nagtatanong about samin ni squidward eh wala namang pake yon sa kung anong ganap sa ibang tao. Turns out HAHAHAHAHHAHA nag confess raw pala si squidward sa kaibigan nya at sinabi ng kaibigan nya sa kanya, then sinabi nya sakin.
Then sabi ko kakausapin ko si squidward, kung bakit ganon bakit di nya man lang sinabi saken ganon (kasi alam nya na umaasa ako). Sabi ng kaibigan kong yon wag na raw eh makulit ako 💀
So kinausap ko nga sya. Kalagitnaan ng pag uusap namin nainis raw sya kasi di ko man lang raw sya pinapasalita, putak ako ng putak ng di man lang sya nag karoon ng chance mag explain. Edi si ate gurl, nag shut up at pinasalita sya. Kesyo that day pa lang raw naman sya nag confess doon sa girl and sasabihin naman raw talaga nya sakinn pero naunahan ata sya ni friend ko ig 💀 pero kahit na that day ka pa lang nag confess, bago ka pa umamin alam mo na sa sarili mo na gusto mo yung tao so bakit di ko na agad ako nireject??? Syempre di ko yon sinabi BWAHAHAHAHHA. Edi ayon. Dahil sumuway ako sa sinabi ng kaibigan ko na wag kausapin, nalaman nung girl na sinabi ni friend sakin. Dahil sinabi rin ni squidward kay girl 💀 (sa isip isip ko bakit di nalang kaya kami gumawa ng gc 🤔 HAHAHAHA). Kinut off daw sya nung girl yung friend kong yon. Hahahahaha. So ngayon galit sakin kaibigan ko, dahil hindi ko sinunod sabi nya na wag kong kausapin.
Additional information, yung girl pala na crush ni squidward is ex rin ni elmo (see this BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

been here for a week and nagbabasa-basa. so far valid yung mga points na naraise and it aligns dun sa mga napapansin ko lately:

1. mahaba ang pagkakatipon - sayang yung oras kung focus sana sa aralan ang pagkakatipon. yung lord's supper nakakakabigla yung bilis kasi wala ng fillers which for me ay di ikakapahamak ng mga ditapaks kung tanggalin yun. okay lang yung magpaalala pero kung matagal na naipaksa kaso di na pagpapaalala yun kung kapapaksa pa lang. di ko masabi na recap kasi ang understanding ko sa recap ay concise version ng paksa, wala ng reenactment, walang example analogies, at hindi mas mahaba dun sa totoong teksto.
2. lower quality yung analysis nung aral as compared before though napansin ko noon pa yung paksa ni BES ay ginagamitan lang word search then pagdudugsungin yung mga sitas na lalabas then oks na. yung ngaun kay KDR kasi wala na kahit anong structure, then yung level of analysis ay pang pilosopo (ex. bakit kailangan magsalo-salo, kasi hindi magkakasama). mas okay pa actually si chatgpt gumawa ng teksto kasi hindi mafifilter unlike ngaun na kahit kasama dun sa word search kapag hindi sasang-ayon, hindi babasahin yung sitas. hindi na nagevolve yung aral, nagretrogress pa sya, fake news yung sinasabing bago yung aral e matagal na yan napaksa. di ko lang sure baka kina-cater yung understanding ng mga bagong anib but for me kasi it is intellectual dishonesty to say something that it is not.
3. online vs f2f na pagkakatipon. tulad nung sa pahahabain ang pagkakatipon, baka masama lang isip ko kasi mas kikita ang lokal at yung mga businesses na captive market ang mga ditapaks kapag mas mahaba ang pagkakatipon and lalong walang kita kung f2f. sakin kasi mas mataas pa yung risk na matisod ka or may matisod sayo kapag nasa pagkakatipon ka ng f2f kesa sa online. i prefer online kasi mas maliit yung gastos na pede idagdag sana sa contributions.
4. sense of grandeur for KDR. I understand na broadcaster ang background nya and as a public person talagang malaki yung attention towards him. di ko lang gets yung parang rockstar ang treatment ng mga ditapaks and cringey talaga pag nakikita ko sa AVP, bordering na sa sya sa idolatry for me.
5. nagsikap ako para umunlad sa buhay, nag-aral ng mabuti, hindi na nakapag-asawa non kasi nga diniscourage non mga kabataan kaso bakit parang hindi naman totoo kasi yung mga nasa sangbahayan ni BES at KDR, asawahan at anakan kahit wala pang mga naipundar. Nakakalungkot lang kasi yung aspiration mo na maging well-off ka as compared before ay aalisin pa sa yo dahil sa pinaksang wag na magnasa yumaman. yung kapatid kong manggagawa di na nagtipon yun kasi nga para saan pa daw pero kamukat mo madaming business at assets yung mga namiminuno. dalawang dekada na kami kaanib at hindi talaga kami umunlad, pero di naman na kami naghihirap sa awat tulong. hindi ko mareconcile yung sinasabing reason na baka ikapahamak ko yung pagyaman. unfair lang kasi may double standards akong nakikita.

i am weighing the pros and cons kung mag-stay or hindi but I am still trying to make sense of the previous teachings kasi personally naramdaman ko na may totoo somewhere, wag naman sana budol yun kasi I've kept this for more than 20 years, nasira yung familly namin dahil sa ADD sa totoo lang dahil pinanindigan yung pananampalataya.
worry ko lang yung contributions ko sa account ni Brod Chef (nakalimutan ko name) napupunta through fund transfer, di ko kasi trip na tumayo at maghulog sa box even before pa kaso may nabasa ako na hindi transparent ang finances.
i would also like to say na hindi ako comfortable sa mga hate speech dito and pagname(shame) to people. let's call out siguro yung mali but it won't make our points more valid or better if we resort to those ad hominems. this won't matter to those na exit na talaga but then nadidiscredit yung genuine appeal and it only sows hate toward the persons. same goes dun sa recipient nung not so nice words, their first response it to get pissed, di mo makukuha gusto mo dun sa isang tao kung ang una mong ginawa ay galitin sya, best you can get is to be ignored which is yun ang ginagawa ngaun, worse is to get back at you with harsher words but since hindi nila ginagawa, they are now in a better position as a bigger person and now you are left with one less candy to cry for.

LONG POST INCOMING
Let's name my friend Dee. Back in high school ko siya nakilala and we've been good friends. Kabanda ko pa nga eh. Siya rin nagturo sakin maglaro ng sikat na laro noon. Madami na rin ako nakwento sa kanya and madami na rin siya nakwento sakin about anything under the sun. High school pa lang nahalata na rin naman namin ng buong friend group ko na may pagkababaero siya. Andami niyang mga ginagalawan noon (binabasted lang din naman lagi lol) kaya sa tuwing nagkakagusto siya sa bagong babae tinatawanan nalang din namin siya. Mga shinashare niya rin sa facebook/twitteinstagram parang sobrang tigang na tigang para sa babae. Then pandemic came kaya we didn't see each other for a looooong time.
Middle of pandemic bigla niyang binalitaan samin na may girlfriend na siya (crazy right) kaya medyo suprised din naman kami na may pumalag sa kanya (hindi siya physically attractive pero "mabait" naman). Kaklase niya daw sa uni niya and nagusap-usap lang daw sila hanggang sa nagkadevelopan na. Of course masaya naman ako para sa kanya na nakahanap na rin siya ng babaeng nagmamahal sa kanya. Believe me, mahal na mahal talaga siya nung girl. Let's name her Vee. Pinakilala ni Dee samin through discord and mabait naman siya kausap. Nakikisakay pa nga sa trip and tawanan namin. May mga araw pa nga na hindi namin nakakasama si Dee sa dc kasi nanonood sila ni Vee ng movie or nagkekwentuhan lang sa chat. Naiintindihan naman namin ng friends ko kasi siempre "mahal" ni Dee eh.
So dito na nagstart. One random night, naglalaro lang din kami ng mga friends ko pero wala si Dee. Bigla ba naman siya pumasok sa call namin and sinasabi niya "pre i'm a stupid mf." Edi siempre nagtataka kami ano meron. Sabi ni Dee nasa probinsya daw kasi siya uminom daw siya kasama mga kaibigan niya don. Ang kaso, kasama din daw ex niya. First time daw ulit nila magkita ng ex niya so nag catch up sila habang umiinom. Uminom daw sila sa bahay ng kaibigan niya don and sila sila lang daw andon. Ayon, dinala ni Dee yung ex niya sa isang bedroom daw don and alam mo na kung ano nangyari. First time daw ni Dee yon and sinasabi niya "ambobo ko pre pero gago ansarap talaga." The fuck? Tinatawanan namin siya pero at the same time sinasabi namin na kailangan niya aminin kay Vee yon. The next week, nagdate sila ni Vee. Sweet pa nga ng post niya eh. Sa close friends ng ig nga lang yung post and kamay lang din nilang dalawa ni Vee.
Mga last year ininvite kaming magtropa ni Dee na mag-club sa malapit sa condo niya. Never na never pa kami nag-club so i guess worth a try. Pag dating namin don pinakilala kami ni Dee sa mga kaklase niya from uni and ayon uminom na kami and so on and so forth. 4 hours into the night lasing na kami and lumalabas-pasok ako para makapagpahinga. Nakausap ko pa nga yung isang kaklase ni Dee sa labas. Pag balik ko sa loob, etong si Dee may kausap na babae. Tinanong ko yung isa naming friend kung nakikita niya ba ginagawa ni Dee. Sabi niya oo and kanina niya pa daw pinagmamasdan si Dee. Nung uwian na, kinekwento samin ni Dee yung kausap niya. Kung ano name, san siya nag aaral, sino mga kasama niya. Pinaalala lang ulit namin si Dee na may girlfriend siya. Sabi lang niya "kausap ko lang naman yon grabe kayo." Sige sabi mo brother eh.
A few months after ininvite ulit kami ni Dee sa club kasi pa-birthday niya daw. Medyo hesitant na ako pumunta kasi di talaga for me mga ganong places but since "tropa" ko naman, i decided to go pero last na rin for me. When we got there andon din si Vee. First time namin siya makita in person so reintroductions were in order. Then ayon we started drinking na and the night went smooth so far. Sumasandal pa nga minsan si Dee kay Vee eh. Yun nga lang, nung medyo may tama na kami, nag libot-libot din kami around the club to meet new faces. Single kami lahat maliban kay Dee at the time so why not mingle. Si Dee, good boy naman, tumatabi lang kay Vee. Kaso bigla siya lumapit sakin and sabi niya "sayang andito si Vee di ako makasama sa inyo sa paglibot." Nagkunwari nalang akong wala akong narinig. Bigla ba naman gumawa ng "choking" gesture tong si Dee. Soooo nasasakal siya kay Vee?? Di siya makapambabae?? Really? Habang andon gf mo?? Nakita din ng iba kong friends yon so at least alam kong di ako nagkakamali sa nakita ko.
Months later ulit, napapansin namin sa ig stories ni Dee na napapadalas na yung pagpunta niya sa club. Ewan ko lang sino mga kasama niya pero base sa mga nakita ko noon, most likely di kaaya-aya yung nagaganap. Fineflex niya pa nga minsan sa gc namin na may mga "new friends" siya sa club. Siempre di na kami nagulat nung sinabi niyang puro babae. Again, sinasabi namin na may gf siya and magagalit si Vee for sure. Anong ginagawa ni Dee tuwing sinasabi namin yon? Sad or haha react lang. Gago ba naman oh.
Ayon, tama nga hinala namin. Tinawagan ni Dee yung isa naming tropa and sinasabi niyang nasa may intramuros daw siya and may kasama siya. Ang mahirap dyan hindi daw si Vee. Nakilala niya daw sa club and pabalik daw sila sa condo nung kasama niya. Ayon. Straight up cheating na nga. Di na kami nagkulang sa pagsabi kay Dee at this point. Binabalewala niya lang din naman sinasabi namin kaya bahala na siya magkamali. Around this time, medyo close na rin kami ni Vee kasi nakakausap ko din minsan kapag sumasali siya sa discord calls namin. Admittedly, mali ako na hindi ko pa sinabi kay Vee mga pinaggagawa ni Dee. At the time, my friends and I had a general consensus na hindi namin sasabihin kay Vee kasi di naman namin relationship yan but at the same time kailangan namin sabihan si Dee na mali yung pinaggagawa niya. That was so wrong.
New year's day, bigla akong tinawagan ni Vee, umiiyak pa. Hiwalay na daw sila ni Dee. Grabeng hagulgol ni Vee kaya I let her speak. Di na daw sila masyado lumalabas ni Dee and sa tuwing magkasama pa daw sila parang out of it daw si Dee. Si Dee daw yung nakipaghiwalay and yung reason niya daw is hindi na daw kasi siya masaya. Nasasakal na daw siya kay Vee and matagal niya na daw nararamdaman yon. Siempre si Vee, hindi niya matanggap tanggap daw kasi lagi niya naman pinagbibigyan si Dee. Sa tuwing nag-cclub hinahayaan niya lang. Sa tuwing may kausap daw na babae si Dee naniniwala naman siya sa mga palusot ni Dee. Kapag gusto maglaro ni Dee kasama kami pinagbibigyan niya daw. Eh wala. Nasasakal daw eh. Di na daw siya masaya eh.
A week later tinawagan ulit ako ni Vee. Nakita daw ng isang kaklase nila na may kasama si Dee sa may glorietta daw nung December. During that time sila pa ni Vee and may ka-date tong si Dee na iba. She confronted Dee about it and inamin na nga ni Dee na may kabit siya. Nakilala niya daw sa club and ilang beses na daw may nangyari sa kanila. Vee was breaking down so hard sa call I couldn't help but feel sorry and guilty na wala akong ginawa/magawa to prevent or at least mitigate the pain and betrayal she felt. Matagal ko na dapat sinabi kay Vee mga ginagawa ni Dee. But I didn't. A regret I'll carry to my grave. The most heartbreaking part is mahal pa talaga ni Vee si Dee. Tatanggapin niya pa nga daw si Dee kahit na nagcheat siya basta di niya daw ulitin. Kaso yun nga, pinapili niya si Dee kung sino gusto niya. Needless to say hindi si Vee yung pinili ni Dee. I could hear Vee's world crumbling through the phone. I let her pour out all her emotions. Iilang oras din siya humahagulgol and nagsself doubt. I couldn't do anything and I hated it. Eventually, kinwento din daw ni Vee sa iba kong friends. We were talking about it and iisa lang din naman sinasabi naming lahat. Ang fucked up ni Dee for doing that.
A few weeks ago biglang nagyaya si Dee na kumain. Out of town ako noon pero even if I wasn't ayoko pa rin sumama sa kanya. Cherry on top, ipapakilala niya daw samin yung kabit. WTF????? Ang kapal talaga ng mukha. When I read yung aya niya sa gc namin i expected that my other friends wouldn't want to go din. I expected that they'd at least turn him down. To my dismay, madami nag-g. Iilan lang din kaming hindi pumunta pero majority ng friend group namin sumama pa. I couldn't get kung paano pa nila nasstomach yung behavior ni Dee na ganon. Nakasakit ng tao si Dee and they still treat him like a friend. I might be wrong but I cannot, in good conscience, associate myself with a cheater. But my other friends, kinakalaro pa nga nila si Dee and yung kabit sa iba't ibang online games. I was so disappointed in my friends. I still am. Sinasabi nila, di naman kasi sila yung ginago ni Dee so di sila galit kay Dee. Di naman kasi sila yung humahagulgol gabi-gabi, nagbbreakdown, nagsself doubt, kaya wala naman silang pake. That was so heartbreaking for me but I chose to keep my silence kasi I'm a minority in my sentiments towards Dee.
A few days ago, habang nasa dc kaming magttropa, bigla daw chinat ni Vee yung isa naming tropa and tinanong ni Vee if kasama daw sila sa mga kumain kasama si Dee and kabit niya. Sabi ng isa pa naming tropa, "nugagawen? Eh gusto namin kumain eh wala na dapat pake si Vee don." I was so surprised with what my friends were saying that for the first time in my life legit na speechless talaga ako. Pinagmumura nila si Vee na "stupid bitch" daw siya na kinakausap niya pa daw si Dee and naniniwala pa siya sa mga pangako ni Dee na magbabago na daw siya. Although I agree naman na mali nga naman si Vee na ineentertain niya ulit si Dee (sinabihan ko na rin naman si Vee about not talking to Dee anymore kasi no good will come out of it for her). Anlala ng iba pa nilang sinasabi so I just left the call nalang.
Now I'm distancing myself from them. Sad thing is baka I need to separate from them na rin talaga. I made a promise to myself na I will try to be a better person everyday pero I don't see myself changing for the better if the people I associate myself with are cheaters and enablers.
I thought I knew my friends. Hindi pala.

As a concerned ate/kuya, please shut up.
Okay so this is getting out of hand, i’m starting to get cringe and annoyed with all these costacc drama and rants posted on reddit. Bawat rant, nirreddit. Bawat reklamo, reddit. Bawat ganto ganyan, reddit. Okay I get it, to rant in a public platform is an avenue for us to express our concerns para mabago/maitama yung concern na yun, pero please this is getting too much. I don’t get it how y’all were able to involve a professor’s gender with how she’s being attacked online. Stop taking this thing personally, for fs sake. It doesn’t make sense. Sa tagal ko ditong nasa reddit, second year palang ako non, lahat naman ng profs na nagkakaron at nagbibigay ng negative experience sa estudyante, na nagkakaron ng “issue/tea/criticism”, nappoint out naman dito sa reddit. Believe me. Some concerns may not be as loud as the others, pero nirrant yon lahat dito. BAKA NAKAKALIMUTAN NYO OR HINDI KAYO AWARE, yang professor na binabangga nyo, yang professor na pinagppyestahan nyo dito, KAIBIGAN YAN NI DEAN. i’m not pointing this out for yall to give her that pass from her shortcomings porke mataas posisyon nya, thats not the point. pero respeto naman. Ma’am 88 is not my professor, and surely, she doesn’t require you all to like her, i know for sure. Naka interact ko na sya and she really gives that strict vibes, but don’t you think she deserves a respect atleast? YOU ALL DON’T HAVE TO LIKE HER, BUT YOU HAVE TO RESPECT HER. SHE’S A PROFESSIONAL FOR FS SAKE.
Nakakasawa na paulit-ulit nyong nirrant yang costacc testbank/reviewehandout/ppt na panggatekeep. Kung tutuusin, mali naman talaga na i-gatekeep. For those defending that professor, let me tell you, that “intellectual property” thing won’t work in this institution kase sige, bigyan nyo ko ng page sa handbook or rules ng college na ‘to na may right ang professor mang-gatekeep ng materials. Professors may have their own discretion over these course materials but at the end of the day, they should uphold that responsibility of ensuring fair access to educational resources to students. Period. Totoo nga naman, how can you expect your students not to “gatekeep” materials from their co-students if you couldn’t manifest that to your class environment? Right? Domino effect lang yan.
Looking at a bigger perspective, mali naman both sides. May pagkakamali both sides. Alam nyo pano lumaki ‘tong issue na ‘to? Kase paulit-ulit yang mga rant nyo to the point na nammersonal kayo, kung ano ano na sinasabi nyo na wala namang connect sa issue. Lumaki tong issue na to solely because pinalaki nyong lahat. Hindi dahil sa kung ano mang gender ng professor na inaattack nyo, or dahil sa “past” issues nya or what. Hindi rason yung iggang-up nyo yung prof nyo porket may pagkukulang sya. LAHAT NG PROFESSORS DITO MAY KANYA KANYANG EFFORT. Pinalaki nyo kase pinagpyestahan nyong lahat. Nagbasa basa ako and nakita ko namang may nagprovide naman na ng gdrive link/handouts from her students kaya, I DONT GET IT WHY THESE FRESHMEN KEEP GOSSIPING/HATING/YAPPING ABOUT IT. LIKE STOP. In the end, may napala ba kayo? Naresolve ba? Yang pagrrant nyo? Wala. Lumaki lang yung gulo.
To be frank, one thing i’ve learned as a “retired” non-stop yapper amvian student, yapping over unfair circumstances na nangyari sakin dito is nonsense and tiring. Wasting all my energy to rant about something na pwede namang idaan sa usapan didn’t benefit me in the long run. It just exhausted me. I realized that at the end of the day, sarili ko lang talaga makakampihan ko. That at the end of the day, i should take full responsibility as a student. NO EXCUSES, NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. Kung yung prof ko hindi nagtuturo, okay go. I’ll double my efforts. Irrant ko sya pero hindi ko uubusin energy ko para sakanya. Kung yung toxic ang environment ko, gagaya pa ba ko? Wag nalang. Mag aadvance reading nalang ako at sasayangin ko oras ko para sa mas importanteng mga bagay. Hindi naman ako ipapasa ng mga rant na yan, hindi ba? Anong gagawin ko? Mag rally ako dyan sa labas ng albertus? Mang recruit ako ng mga blockmates ko para magkaron ng hate train over these professors? Ano mapapala ko dun, sige nga? It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I learned it the hard way.
I’m not saying this to stay “silent” amidst the unfair treatment, because we all have that right, we all have the freedom to address our concerns online, but y’all should understand to NEVER EVER SOLELY DEPEND YOURSELF to your professors. NEVER. Hindi ko dapat lahat dinadaan sa reklamo porket ganto, porket ganyan. Nakakafed up minsan. Sa totoo lang. nakakarindi kung wala kang narinig kundi reklamo. Double EFFORT dito sa college na ‘to. Hindi mo dapat lagi sisihin ang professor mong hindi nagbibigay ng handout, nanggatekeep, mali magturo, hindi pumapasok, dahil lang hindi ka nakapasa. You have that responsibility as a student to maximize your connections, gather resources online, watch yt vids, ask for help, source testbanks/handouts to people. May nakita ba kayong 3rd/4th year dito na nagrrant pa over these similar circumstances? None right? Bakit kaya? Because we know how to use our time wisely. We know how to keep ourselves ahead. Nalaman namin pano dumiskarte na dapat hindi lahat nirereklamo sa professor para pumasa. BASICALLY, GALINGAN MO DUMISKARTE.
Alam nyo, lahat kayo, mapa freshman o hindi, kapag nag review school kayo for CPALE, sasabihin ng mga professors nyo don na huwag nyo sisisihin sa mga profs nyo yung pagbagsak nyo sa subjects nyo kase responsibility nyo as a student gumawa ng paraan, mag compensate, wag dinadaan lahat sa excuse ma validate lang yung pagbagsak nyo. Oo may responsibility sila, pero iaasa ko ba talaga lahat sakanila? Hindi ko sinasabi to para bigyan sila ng excuse para hindi magturo ng maayos, pero wag kayo magpapa spoon feed. Hindi na kayo mga bata, hindi na tayo mga bata. Dapat may initiative na tayo. para mo nalang din sinabing naging mahirap ang isang pamilya kase hindi sila sinuntentuhan ng gobyerno. What a BS MENTALITY RIGHT? BLAMING ENTIRELY TO YOUR PROFESSORS IS NOT IT. I LEARNED IT THE HARD WAY. Natutunan ko yan sa mga naging profs ko, at profs ko ngayon —kila Sir Caliwan, Sir Albert, Sir Eli, Sir Gerber, Ma’am Ireneo, Sir Gor, Sir German, Atty. JCD, Atty. Kid, Atty. Macmod, Sir Tabag, Sir Dayag, Sir Timbang, Sir Ian, Atty. Bagayao etc. mostly kay Dean over the years that i’ve been studying as an amvian. You know, These professionals got to where they are right now because surely, they made big sacrifices and initiatives to get where they want to be, to reach what they wanted to achieve. For sure, these professionals learned it the hard way too, hindi sila for sure dumipende sa mga professors nila entirely. BS Mentality na kasi yon.
Sa tingin nyo, sino mas papasa? Yung panay reklamo ginawa or yung dumiskarte para matuto? To tell you honestly, it is much better if directly sa admin/professobatch rep, even better sa student council diba? The voice of the student body sila diba? Kung gusto nyo talaga na ma address concerns nyo, sakanila nyo dalhin. Dun nyo makikita if effective din ba talaga yang mga binoto/boboto natin diba? Let’s give them that work. Shall we?
Nagsisimula at nag aadjust palang kayong lahat dito sa amv i get it, kaya here's a tip. one thing i wish i knew as a freshie? Sana mas natuto ako dumiskarte para sa sarili ko. Sana hindi ko inubos lahat ng energy ko, nandamay ng kaibigan or blockmate, para magreklamo sa gantong sistema. Narealize ko na nandito lang naman ako para pumasa, para grumaduate, para maging CPA, at hinding hindi ko hahayaan na ang toxic environment na kinalalagyan ko ang magpapabagsak sakin. hinding hindi. if hindi man ako sobra at totally nagbbenefit sa handouts? if minalas man ako sa professor? sige, gagawan ko yan ng paraan. wala na kong time para ireklamo pa yan. One thing I learned too? Professors get hurt too. They sometimes take these rants personally because I’ve seen it.
Alam nyo, hindi naman first time nangyari yung ganyang issue ng panggatekeep ng materials. But you all know what makes this different? We didn’t and don’t act like kids crying over spilled milk. Ang liit na bagay na pwede nyong pag-usapan as a batch. (Incase sanay kayong mag address ng mga concerns privately, yung hindi lahat dinadaan sa reddit, na pati pag hingi ng TOS during deptals/prelims/finals, hinihingi sa reddit. like wala ba kayong gc or representative for that?) hindi nyo kailangan i-rant lahat dito, seems like some of you are already trying to attack the professor personally and that’s way over the line already. She may have these shortcomings as a professor but it’s not a reason para pag pyestahan nyo syang lahat dito. I know ALOT of professors in AMV na nagbabasa dito sa reddit, even more, nag ccomment/nagrereply pa sila. Alam ko yan because kilala ko kung sino sino. Imagine the embarrassment and disgrace to feast over a professor na walang kalaban laban dito. Kung may reklamo kayo sakanya, GO, CONDUCT AN OPEN-FORUM SESSION AS A CLASS? AS A BATCH EVEN. and dun nyo lahat i-address lahat ng concerns nyo hindi yung manddamay kayong lahat dito kasi eto mas nagpapatoxic sa “toxic” na environment na kinalalagyan nyong lahat. IF TOXIC, THEN DON’T BE ONE. LET THAT START WITH YOU.
I’m sick of going to reddit, and lahat ng nababasa kong information dito negative. That energy is so contagious, don’t you think? I go to reddit for information, for chismis, for updates and such pero for a rant/issue na paulit-ulit? It’s such a bad energy. Alam nyo, lahat naman tayo nagsstruggle dito so I think that the least we can do atleast is to keep and maintain a healthy space for everyone. Most especially ang bibigat lahat ng cours subjs natin, most esp 4th year na nag iirc. Please kahit inspirasyon nalang ishare nyo dito, pwede ba? Like please, settle all this privately. Overall, I am neither here to attack the lower batches, nor to attack that professor because either way, It wouldn’t benefit me anyway. I just let this out because we can all do much better than this. Nakakahiya. Huwag kayo mag manifest ng gantong environment cos it doesn’t make the situation any better. Nakaka drain lang lahat. I am just really bothered for letting all of your emotions get in the way. Do better than this.
edit: since this post is blowing up, dagdag ko na rin na sana huwag na kayo magdamutan sa handouts, testbanks, and study materials. LIKE, JUST DON’T. END THAT CYCLE NA. Simulan nyo sa mga sarili nyo, if may nanghingi sainyo, bigyan nyo, period. it doesn’t and won’t make you any better as an amvian student. HINDI GANYAN ANG KULTURA DITO. LAHAT, EVEN UPPER BATCHES, NAGBIBIGAYAN NG HANDOUTS YAN. NAGSSHARE. WALANG MADAMOT DITO. HINDI TO HIGHSCHOOL PARA MAKIPAG-LAMANGAN KAYO. LIKE HELLO, LAHAT NG GAMIT NYONG TESTBANKS AT HANDOUTS AT STUDY MATS GALING SA SENIORS NYO YAN. MGA NAPAGLIPASAN NA YAN. NAGAMIT NA NG ILANG ESTUDYANTE YAN AT ILANG BATCHES YAN. hindi kayo nauna dyan, so i don’t get it why yall acting so superior keeping that stuff you don’t technically own in the first place? 😬 Mahirap na sistema dito, mahirap na inaaral nating lahat, bakit nyo pa papahirapin yung isang bagay na kaya nyo namang i-control. Ang simple lang mamigay ng handout, bakit nyo pa papahirapan yung mga kapwa nyo estudyante. Hindi ko gets. Wag kayong feeling superior dito. Y’all don’t know the long term effects of that yet for sure, kaya kayo ganyan. You probably haven’t experienced that this college will humble you, noh? Because if it did, you wouldn’t gatekeep, and you would understand. But if not yet, i’m certain it would. For sure. In the future. Along the way. Simula palang ng AMV yang subjects nyo. someday, It would definitely come back to you. Yang pang ggatekeep nyo? Babalik sainyong lahat yan. You definitely will experience how it felt like na mapagdamutan sa oras na hirap na hirap ka na. I wouldn’t wish that on my enemy. Mag self-reflect kayo please. Yall aint a damn kid no more, so stop acting like one. Huwag nyo dalhin pagiging oa dito, doesn’t make you look cute. MAN UP AND BE MATURE.
At the end of the day, parte lang ang mga professors sa success mo, pero ikaw mismo dapat ang magdadala at magbubuhat sa sarili mo para makamit mo yon. sabi nga ng isang reply pa sa isang post, “sums up this generation, why not man up, just study and focus on things you can control instead of whining all over the place. life is unfair, it happens to everyone. focus on what you can control, don't waste your energy for things you cannot.”

Yes, this is about the sikat nga portable aircon nga butangan rag ice. So sa ka init sa Cebu ron ni try kog palit since barato ra sa shope.e haha. So, pinaka straight forward nga review noh is PWEDE NA! hahaha. Di man jud sya kadaog og large rooms noh pero if sa kwarto ra nimo, madala najud sya. Just add more ice than water and make sure duol2 ka sa fan. Mao to, worth the try raman pud sya, abi nakog trash buy jud sya pero magamit raman pud sya given the price for around 299 pesos ra.

Poslednjih 6 meseci lupam glavu kako zaostajem za svetom i ne znam šta mogu da uradim bolje, pa me zanimaju tuđa mišljenja povodom svoje situacije:
Imam 21 god i trenutno se bavim regrutacijom sa skoro 3 godine iskustva, za sad imam 2 klijenta koja me placaju preko svoje paušalne agencije i to izađe na 2000e neto mesečno, ako zaposlim nekog moze da mi i uleti bonus od 250-1250e u zavisnosti od tezine pozicije.
Radim ceo dan i bukvalno nemam vremena da se bavim bilo čime drugim, za vikend ugl iskuliram sa drustvom ili devojkom i stvarno ne bih da se bilo čime ozbiljnim bavim tad. Od imovine nemam ništa i živim kod mojih, plan mi je da se odselim u neko selo gde bi mi kirija jedva prelazila 150e a troškovi zivota minimalni, muka mi je od grada, a posto radim remote nema razloga zasto ne.
Nisam nista od novca sacuvao ili investirao do sad jer jelte hteo sam da se izivim, za sad planiram da investiram u zlato jer mi se cini kao solidna opcija za koju je potrebno minimalno vremena kog ionako nemam.
Ujedno planiram da uzmem auto, al koliko para da skupim nemam poima.
Planirao sam da stedim za kucu, al za tako nesto ce mi trebati barem jos 1000e na base platu i dobrih 5 godina da bih imao dovoljno za kucu+ da je opremim, tako da me i to malo demotiviše, pomislim da zaradjujem mnogo, a onda kad vidim koliko je to malo zapravo naspram nečeg poput skupljanja za stan smorim se jos vise.
Šta mislite da mi je najbolji plan moving forward da imam finansijsku sigurnost?
Side note: Kako izdržavate 16h posla? Mene ubije kad završim dan, umoran od rada i stresa jer sam 16h radio i onda se setim da postoji barem 6 ljudi koji ne rade ništa al bitno da im mama i tata daju dzeparac na nivou svih mojih prihoda. Trudim se da ne razmisljam o tome ali stvarno ne mogu nekad psihički da podnesem kad vidim koliko se trudim da bih imao nešto za šta većina dobije, a ni ne trazi..

long story ahead
na confined ako sa hospital for a month and last week nilipat ako ng ward.
i met this guy na naka mullet cut.
same kami ng illness and both of us is okay naman at waiting na lang for discharge order.
eventually, first day ko sa ward na iyon naging kakwentuhan ko na si mullet guy and yung iba pang mga bantay ng patient doon.
most of the time nagpaplay siya ng music sa room niya with max volume so naririnig namin lahat sa mga katabi ng room niya.
but i enjoyed it since same kami ng playlist.
ang ganda ng boses niya, raspy na fit for alternative rock and punk genre.
after that, ako naman nag play ng playlist ko. of course sinasabayan ko yung kanta and siya rin kumakanta rin sa room niya since alam niya mga songs na pinatutugtog ko.
kapag walang ginagawa sa mga room ang mga bantay and patients, tumatambay sila sa mga pinto ng room nila and nagchichikahan kami.
me and mullet guy shared some info about our illnesses, kung ilang days na kami naconfined sa hospital.
3 days after napapadalas kwentuhan namin sa hallway.
i did not expect na magiging crush ko siya, ang nice niya kasi
inooffer niya na siya kumuha ng hot water for me kapag need ko.
nag aalok din siya ng food niya sa ibang bantay.
siya rin nag aasikaso sa elder na patient doon na walang bantay, siya nagtitimpla ng coffee and nagpapakain kahit siya mismo is patient din.
he's even funny, favorite siya kakwentuhan ng mga bantay doon dahil nakakaaliw siya kakwentuhan.
five days after nilipat ako ng room, medyo napalayo ako sa tropahan namin at 2 days din ako don sa room na iyon.
luckily, binalik ulit ako sa ward na iyon at nakakwentuhan ko ulit sila and si mullet guy.
eto ako, hindi ko alam na unti-unti akong naaattract sa kaniya.
may times na nag wiwish ako na sana paglabas ko ng pinto is nakatambay din siya sa hallway para makakwentuhan ko siya.
and yes, many times ganoon ang nangyari and we shared laughs and inside jokes na within our tropahan.
one time, nalipat ako sa tabi ng room niya and medyo open space iyon.
since tulog pa ako around 7am, may sinag na ng araw which is good if magpapaaraw ka.
i saw him na nakatambay and nagpapaaraw, nakaupo siya sa monoblock pero ung sandalan is nasa harap niya at nakatalikod siya sa sikat ng araw.
since medyo naalimpungatan na ako
he said "goodmorning sunshine"
i don't know what happened pero after seeing him first thing in the morning while sunrays touched his skin and saying those words makes my heart beat faster.
kinilig sobra hahahaha
kinabukasan ng gabi nilipat ako ulit ng pwesto since nandon nga ako sa part na open space and may nilipat na ibang patient doon sa pwesto ko.
kinabukasan nung nagkukwentuhan ulit kami sinabi niya na nagulat daw siya na wala na ako doon sa pwesto sa open space dahil binabantayan niya raw ako. pagkagising niya raw is iba na yung patient na naroon.
noong narinig ko iyon lalo ko siyang naappreciate sa pagiging thoughtful niya.
medyo in denial pa ako sa feelings ko sa kaniya. paano ba naman hindi yung appearance niya ang type ko sa isang guy.
mukha pa siyang tambay or adik hahahaha, sorry ang judgemental ko pero ayun yung first impression ko sa kaniya.
pero getting to know him each day mas lalo akong nafafall sa kaniya. sobrang interesting niyang tao.
fastforward
kinabukasan, nabalitaan kong ididischarge na siya. im happy for him at first dahil makakalabas na siya.
yung nurse attendant asked me bakit di pa ako nadidischarge, i told him na
"ilabas niyo na ako dito" sabay tawa.
sabi naman ni mullet guy
"kapag di niyo nilabas yan, itatakas ko yan."
even kahit joke lang iyon, doon ko na confirmed na gusto ko na nga talaga siya.
kinabukasan habang nagbbreakfast ako nakita ko siya na dumaan sa room ko.
and then after 20 mins. isang bantay doon nagtanong kung nasaan si mullet guy, sabi nung isang bantay umuwi na raw.
of course pagkarinig ko noon bigla akong nalungkot. parang na hurt ako hahahahaha hindi ko alam bigla nawala yung energy kong kumain.
ako naman itong parang timang na gustong mag-isa sa sulok. after 5 mins nakita ko siya dumaan sa room ko na basa ang buhok.....
naligo lang pala!
biglang bumalik yung energy ko dahil nakita ko yung full body tattoo niya na super ganda.
nakakainlove.
as someone na nonchalant, masungit, at introvert. hindi ko ineexpect na sa kaniya ako maccrave ng attention at love.
tinamaan na talaga ako sa kaniya.
after non, mas lalo akong naging eager na mapalapit kay mullet guy. ako na madalas nauunang lumabas sa hallway para abangan siyang tumambay din doon.
one day before his discharge, doon ko nalaman na madidischarge na rin ako.
mas lalo na akong nag isip if anong mangyayari paglabas ko. excited na rin akong makaalis sa hospital.
the day comes na madidischarge na siya. siyempre anxious dahil babalik na kami sa mga buhay namin.
then around 5pm, pumunta siya sa harap ng room ko.
nagulat ako dahil never naman siyang tumambay sa pinto ko. ayun pala may sasabihin siya. he said
"oh paano ba yan, mauuna na ako ha. bisitahin na lang kita dito."
sabay smile.
i know he's just joking, pero i'm hoping na sana seryoso siya doon sa mga sinasabi niya. hahaha pero imposible dahil sino ba naman ang nadischarge sa hospital ang gugustuhin na bumalik sa loob.
yet im happy na naisip niya yun. napaka thoughtful and considerate talagang tao.
1 hr before his discharge, nakita ko siyang nakaayos at naka-cap.
aalis na nga talaga siya.
i was planning to take picture with him but im shy. kahit man lang remembrance na nakilala ko siya. but i wasn't able to do that since nag-aasikaso na siya sa loob ng room niya.
30 minutes before his discharge
i saw him sa hallway, nakikipag chikahan sa mga bantay na alam na aalis na siya. habang ako nasa loob ng room dahil di ko alam paano siya haharapin.
ayokong umiyak sa harapan niya at magmukhang ewan ahhahahaha.
at ayun na nga, paalis na sila at nagpaalam na siya sa mga tao sa ward.
then dumaan siya sa room ko, he said "ikaw, pagaling ka ha" sabay alis at nakita ko na lang yung kamay niyang kumaway sa pinto ko.
"sige, ingat!" pasigaw kong sabi.
and then sadness kicks in........
hindi ko akalain na tutulo luha ko sabay ng pag-alis niya.
grabe. ganito pala feeling........
doon ko lang narealize na hindi ko alam pangalan niya. after all this time na nagkukwentuhan kami sa hallway, nagtatawanan, nag-aasaran.
ni hindi ko man lang natanong pangalan niya.
buti na lang may nakadikit na surname niya sa pinto ng room niya. tinignan ko iyon...
BINUYA
tinandaan ko yung surname niya at tinignan sa facebook. but i did not find him and told myself na it's okay
eventually, i told myself na siguro may plano si lord kaya ko siya nakilala at mahulog sa kaniya kahit hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya....
naiinis ako sa sarili ko bakit ko ba kasi sinayang ang mga pagkakataon na mayroon ako habang nandito pa siya.
eto ako ngayon, iniisip na baka paglabas ko dito ay magkita kami. hindi man ngayon or bukas, baka sa mga hindi inaaasahang pagkakataon.
magkita kami na maayos na. kung mangyari man iyon, lalakasan ko na ang loob ko.
pagkakataon by shamrock
(favorite niyang song dahil lagi niyang pinaplay sa playlist niya)
"I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory." - Rose, Titanic

Hello! Ask ko if naay modawat ug books from different genres here sa Cebu? Di ko sure if naa pa gihapon tong sa SM na pwede ka magdropoff ug books sa ilang own bins. Needed nako ni kay aron maclear up akong space for new books and some of these books are just catching dusts ra sa akong bookshelf kay nahuman na nakog basa. Thanks!

tldr: gusto ko na mag quit sa trabaho kasi stressed out nako at apektado na din health ko kaso may cancer ang mama ko at mag isa lang akong anak.
Before anything else, sorry na agad kung mahaba tong post/question ko. Gusto ko din kasi ma share sa inyo yung pinag dadaan ko lately para maka kuha ako ng magandang advice/feedback sa inyo.
Moving on, stressed out nako sa work ko for about a year (almost 4 years nako dito sa company namin), to a point na gusto ko ng mag quit dahil pakiramdam ko sinasayang ko na yung buhay ko dito kapalit ng pera.
Ano bang work ko? Isa akong renewals manager sa isa sa pinaka sikat na teleconferencing service provider, bale ang ginagawa namin is to setup a meeting with clients before their contracts expire to discuss renewal options, negotiate terms, at address concerns (yang concerns yung pinaka ayoko sa lahat). Build strong client relationships to foster loyalty and encourage renewal saka to analyze usage data and metrics para ma identify yung mga renewal risks saka para sa upselling opportunities. (then follow up pa yan via email, call or chat.) Unlike sa ibang mga work, walang template approach dito, dahil talagang mabusisi at personalize yung mga solutions per client, my guidelines pero na ooverwrite namin basta kaya mo ipa approve so parang wala din)
Ok lang sana kung mga manageable yung number ng clients per quarter or isang meeting lang ok na lahat kaso hindi, may mga clients na minsan 2 months na wala paring resolution or sobrang barat na halos ibigay nalang namin ng libre yung service, ibang harap harapan gumawa ng storya, mga client na entitled, pa victim, at ang pinaka gusto ko mga religious organization pero demonya yung mga representative nila at literal na Karen pero syempre di mo naman sila ma decline or ma grant basta basta, lahat may approval. I sama mo pa yung mga Sales team na ng sscam ng mga clients para lang sa commision nila. Then yung mga onshore team namin na napaka hostile ng pakitungo sating mga pinoy. First time ko naka salamuha ng ganong onshore team na kala mo tagapag mana ng kumpanya at parang naiinsulto sila na may mga pinoy na nag cha chat sa chat channels nila para humingi ng tulong sa department nila.
Nag simula yung stress ko dahil di ko naman talaga field to, IT ako pero since di ko natapos dahil sa financial issue pinanghinaan ako mag apply as IT, (pakiramdam ko di ko kaya makipag sabayan) kahit passion ko talaga mag code at laman nako ng mga forums na IT related since HS days.
Ito yung mga stressors ko sa current work ko:

1. Di ko kayang I express yung sarili as in parang may ibang personality ako pag english na conversation. Kung email email or chat lang wala akong problema since kaya ko mag back read at mag edit ulit ng message.
   
2. Ayoko talaga na kumakausap ng tao hanggat maiiwasan lalo sa mga bagay na wala naman akong interest (introvert kasi ako)
   
3. Sobrang disorganize ko na sa work, minsan sobrang overwhelmed ko na (kasalanan ko din naman) na tinatakasan ko na yung work. (in the end tumatambak lang sila)
   
4. Di ko kaya mag multi task, kaya pag nasa meeting ako tapos need ko mag pull-up ng say stat report para ma present ko sa client struggle talaga kasi naba blanko yung utak ko. Matagal ko na tong ginagawa pero di ko parin magawa ng maayos.
   
5. Di ko ramdam na tanggap kami ng mga onshore team na part kami ng company, monetary/compensation wise saka sa mga benefits ramdam fair sa part na yon, pero sa work napaka unprofessional nila at di talaga mawalala yung racial discrimination. Di ko nilalahat pero majority sa kanila. Unlike sa ibang company ko before.
   
6. Sa tuwing bubuksan ko yung email inbox ko parang pinipiga yung sikmura ko, same sa calendar ko. Sa dami ng naka pending kong emails at meeting sabayan mo pa ng mga adhoc task from other department na nahingi ng tulong samin, at mga client na nag pa follow up sa request nila.
   

Bakit gusto ko na mag quit sa work:

1. Super stressed out nako tinatakasan ko na yung trabaho ko. At given na business owners yung mga kausap ko for sure pati welfare ng ibang mga tao nasisira ko na. Nagiging cancer nako sa company pati sa business ng mga client.
   
2. Apektado na yung physical at mental health ko, malungkot nako kahit sahod di nako napapasaya, nagkakaron na nga din ako ng mga suicidal thoughts, naiisip ko para isahan nalang. Yung mga bagay na nag papasaya sakin dati wala ng epekto sakin. Mga hobbies ko inaalikabok nalang, same sa pag gi gym wala nakong drive. Di nababawasan yung timbang ko pero pag kinumpara ko yung pictures ko a year ago ang payat ko na at parang di healthy ung ichura ko.
   
3. Wala nakong ibang nasa isip kundi yung trabaho, dumagdag pa yung pagiging remote worker ko so mas mahirap I alis yung isip sa work at sa tutoong buhay. Di kagaya dati sa office naka set yung utak ko sa work then pag uwi chill na since iba na yung environment ko.
   
4. Di na mawala sa isip ko na isang beses lang ako mabubuhay, at di worth it na sikmurain ko nalang lahat to, sabihin na natin na ito yung source of income ko pero di ko naman din ma enjoy yung kinikita ko dahil stressed out naman ako. Nakapag Japan ako kasama mga mahal ko sa buhay last month dahil sa work kong to, pero di ko naman na enjoy dahil iniisip ko yung trabaho na nag hihintay sakin pag uwi.
   

Bat di ko magawang mag quit:

1. Mag isa lang akong anak at naka sandal sakin yung Mama at lola ko, si Dad hindi sila kasal ni mama at namatay na din sya 10 years ago. So ako lang maasahan, naiisip ko ang unfair dahil di kagaya ng mga pinsan ko magkakapatid tulong tulong sila financially at kung may emergency man atleast yung gastos devided sa kanila evenly, ako wala akong katulong wala akong karapatan mag pahinga, wala akong karapatan mag fail.
   
2. May cancer si Mama at malaking tulong yung health insurance na provided ng office namin sa treatments nya. Kaya ko naman I shoulder pero kung makukuha ko naman ng libre edi idagdag nalang namin sa pang gastos yung pera ko diba.
   
3. Di ko na gustong mag trabaho after nito, di worth it ang stress, gusto ko mag venture sa business kaso given my situation above di ko kayang mag take ng risk. Specially sa family namin mga tito and tita ko ako din ang takbuhan financially dahil ako nalang ang walang sariling pamilya saming mag pipinsan.
   

salamat sa pag babasa, sana may ma suggest kayo or kahit feed back good or bad ok sakin para ma realize ko din.

a ? an exclamation such as ah, oh, or ha a ? used for emphasis, emotion or confirmation a ? used to denote emotion, to emphasize or confirm the preceding word, phrase or sentence, in conjunction with the written exclamation mark or replacing it akesi ? herptile, reptile, amphibian akesi ? a scary or ugly creature akesi ? reptilian, amphibian, or otherwise resembling as such akesi ? to be or turn into a reptile or amphibian ala ? nothing, nothingness ala ? negation ala ? zero ala ? no, none ala ? hardly ala ? to do nothing ala ? to nullify, to annihilate, to erase, delete ala ? not ala ? no, not ala ? used between a reduplicated verb to mark a yes-no question ala ? no alasa ? to hunt, either violently or nonviolently alasa ? to collect, to forage, to gather, to harvest alasa ? to search, to seek, to pursue, to chase, to explore alasa ? to try to, to attempt alasa ? hunt, forage alasa ? search, pursuit, quest alasa ? hunting, foraging alasa ? searching ale ? alias for ali ale ? everything, anything ale ? life, existence ale ? the universe, everything that exists ale ? abundance, plenty ale ? all, every, each, any ale ? entire, whole, complete, full, total ale ? abundant, countless, bountiful, plentiful ale ? universal ale ? comprehensive, thorough ale ? general ale ? to pervade, to be everything or in every part ale ? to commodify, to make universal or thorough ale ? to generalize ale ? one hundred anpa ? bottom, floor anpa ? underside, the area beneath anpa ? to lower anpa ? to bow down anpa ? to defeat anpa ? low, at the bottom anpa ? down, downwards anpa ? humble, lowly anpa ? down ante ? difference, distinction ante ? change, alteration, variation ante ? transformation, transition, adaptation, conversion ante ? contrast, counterpart ante ? to differ, to distinguish ante ? to change, to alter, to modify, to edit ante ? to transform, to adapt, to adjust, to convert ante ? other, separate ante ? different, distinct, unlike ante ? altered, changed, modified ante ? opposed ante ? differently ante ? used before la, otherwise, or else ante ? used before la, used to change subject, anyway anu ? or, either anu ? to choose, to decide anu ? choice, selection, election awen ? to stay, to remain awen ? to wait awen ? to keep, to retain awen ? to preserve, to protect, to conserve, to defend awen ? to continue, to keep on awen ? unmoving, stationary, sedentary, still awen ? permanent, remaining, enduring awen ? waiting, pause awen ? safe, protected, defence awen ? left (remaining) awen ? a wait, stay awen ? protection, safety awen ? endurance awen ? amen e ? Precedes the direct object e ? and (between multiple direct objects) en ? and (chiefly between subjects) epiku ? humorous, epic, cool, awesome epiku ? epicness, the quality or state of being epic epiku ? to be, or to turn epic esun ? shop, store, market, fair, bazaar, retail, place of business esun ? transaction, trade, deal, sale, purchase, commerce esun ? business, enterprise, franchise, company esun ? to exchange, trade, to barter esun ? to exchange for money, to buy, to sell esun ? of or relating to business, commercial, financial esun ? traded, exchanged ijo ? a thing ijo ? object, item, entity, element, stuff ijo ? matter, substance, material ijo ? idea, action, phenomenon ijo ? sentient being ijo ? situation ijo ? something, anything ijo ? to be or turn into an object, to objectify ijo ? to do something ike ? bad, unnecessary ike ? wrong, evil, mean ike ? harmful, unhealthy, nasty ike ? unneeded, irrelevant ike ? conflicting with the philosophy of Toki Pona, overly complex, especially to its detriment ike ? badness, evil ike ? bad state or condition ike ? problem, issue, error ike ? negativity ike ? to be bad, to suck ike ? to make bad or worse, to worsen ike ? to make overly complex ike ? oh no, oh dear ike ? woe, alas ilo ? tool, device, machine, instrument ilo ? technology, software, app ilo ? to be or turn into a tool, to use ilo ? mechanical, technological insa ? inside, centre, core insa ? internal organ, stomach insa ? in between insa ? content insa ? inner, internal insa ? central, core insa ? neutral insa ? to be inside insa ? to insert, to put, or send inside jaki ? gross, disgusting, nasty, repulsive, obscene jaki ? dirty, unclean, unsanitary, filthy jaki ? toxic, infectious jaki ? unhealthy, sickly jaki ? dirt, filth, junk jaki ? garbage, pollution, waste, feces jaki ? infection, disease, bacteria, virus jaki ? to be or to turn dirty, to pollute jaki ? ew, yuck jan ? person jan ? human (Homo sapiens) jan ? a being with equivalent sentience to a human, such as an alien, or that was or sometimes is a human, such as a werewolf jan ? somebody, anybody jan ? of or relating to humans jan ? personal jan ? to turn into a person or human form, to personify, to anthropomorphize jan ? to personalize jasima ? to reflect, to resound, to echo jasima ? to be on the opposite/polar end of jasima ? reflection, mirror, echo jasima ? opposite, reverse jelo ? the color yellow jelo ? to be or turn yellow jelo ? yellow, yellowish jelo ? orange, golden jo ? to have, to contain, to own jo ? to hold in one's hand, to carry, to grasp, to grip jo ? to equip jo ? possession, ownership jo ? property, that which is possessed jo ? contents jo ? possessed, owned, carried, contained kala ? sea creature, an aquatic or semiaquatic animal, such as fish kala ? aquatic mammals, such as whales and dolphins kala ? aquatic, marine, semiaquatic kala ? swimming kala ? to be or turn into a sea creature kala ? to swim kalama ? sound, noise kalama ? music, song kalama ? voice, scream kalama ? utterance, recitation kalama ? to be or to make noise, to make sound kalama ? to play (an instrument) kalama ? to recite, to utter aloud kama ? arrival, the coming of kama ? the future kama ? to come, to arrive kama ? to happen, to come to pass kama ? to cause to happen, to bring about, to summon kama ? to become kama ? to manage kasi ? plant, such as an herb or tree, vegetation kasi ? part of a plant, such as a leaf or wood kasi ? thing resembling a plant, such as fungi or coral kasi ? of or related to plants, botanical kasi ? made of or including plant matter, herbal, vegetated kasi ? to be or to turn into a plant kasi ? to grow as a plant, to vegetate ken ? can, may, to be allowed ken ? to be able or possible ken ? to allow, to enable ken ? permission ken ? ability, capability ken ? possibility, chance, luck ken ? possible ken ? maybe, perhaps kepeken ? using, with, by means of, via kepeken ? use, utilization kepeken ? to use, to utilize, to interact kepeken ? used kijetesantakalu ? procyonid, such as a raccoon, coati, kinkajou, olingo, ringtail or cacomistle kijetesantakalu ? musteloid, such as a ferret, weasel, otter, or red panda kijetesantakalu ? an animal that resembles a procyonid, such as a lemur or raccoon dog kili ? fruit, vegetable, nut, edible part of a plant other than a grain kili ? offspring, result, product kili ? fungus, mushroom kili ? to be or to turn into a fruit kili ? to fruiten kili ? to result kin ? alias for a kin ? also, too, as well kin ? indeed, really kin ? also, additionally kin ? me too kin ? indeed, really kipisi ? to split or sever kipisi ? to cut, to slice kipisi ? part, piece, portion, cut kipisi ? separation, division kiwen ? a hard object, such as metal, wood, bone or plastic kiwen ? rock, stone, mineral kiwen ? hard, tough kiwen ? solid kiwen ? of or relating to rocks, rocky kiwen ? to be or turn into a rock ko ? semisolid or powdery substance, paste, powder, goo, clay ko ? shape or mass that sticks or clings, a clot, a thick or viscous lump, a clump that can be reshaped ko ? semisolid, squishy ko ? powdery ko ? to stick, to cling ko ? to turn to goo or powder, to squash, pulverize kokosila ? to speak a language other than Toki Pona in an environment where Toki Pona is more appropriate kon ? gas, air, steam, smoke kon ? scent, fragrance kon ? breath, wind kon ? spirit, soul, ghost, unseen agent kon ? essence, meaning kon ? hidden reality kon ? definiton (of a word) kon ? gender kon ? gaseous kon ? breathing kon ? unseen, invisible kon ? abstract or intangible kon ? to be or to turn into air, to vaporize, to sublimate kon ? to breathe onto ku ? interacting with the Toki Pona Dictionary, a descriptivist English–Toki Pona dictionary compiled by Sonja Lang and published in 2021 ku ? to read, or otherwise interact with, the Toki Pona Dictionary ku ? interaction with the Toki Pona Dictionary ku ? the book Toki Pona Dictionary itself kule ? color, hue, paint kule ? spectrum kule ? any intrinsic or sensory attribute, such as flavor, smell, timber, pitch and texture kule ? to be or turn colourful, to colour, to paint kule ? colourful, pigmented, painted kule ? on a spectrum, diverse kule ? of or relating to the LGBT community kulupu ? group, collection, set kulupu ? community, nation, society, tribe kulupu ? company, organization kulupu ? system, set of alters kulupu ? grouped, in a group kulupu ? communal, of or relating to a community kulupu ? to be, to become or to make a group, to group kute ? ear kute ? sense of hearing kute ? to listen, to hear kute ? to pay attention by hearing, to obey (something heard) kute ? of or relating to hearing, auditory kute ? of or relating to the ear la ? in, to, for, so, therefore. -ly la ? follows a context phrase or clause la ? used to form conditionals, so, therefore la ? used to express tense-like or adverb-like information la ? moves a prepositional phrase to the start of a sentence, either preserving or replacing the preposition lanpan ? to take, to seize, to steal, to catch, to receive lape ? sleep, rest or a period thereof lape ? to sleep, to rest lape ? to cause to sleep or to rest lape ? to lay, to lie down lape ? sleeping, resting, asleep lape ? of or relating to sleep laso ? blue, green, blueish, greenish laso ? turquoise, cyan, lime laso ? the color blue or green laso ? to be or turn blue or green lawa ? a head lawa ? the mind lawa ? the state of control or leadership lawa ? a ruler or leader lawa ? to lead, control, rule, regulate, or plan lawa ? head, leading, in charge leko ? square, cube leko ? block, brick, corner leko ? stair, stairs len ? cloth, fabric, textiles len ? clothing len ? cover, a layer of privacy or secrecy len ? fabric len ? clothed len ? hidden, private len ? to weave len ? to clothe or be clothed len ? to hide, to secretize lete ? cold, cool lete ? uncooked, raw lete ? the cold, coldness lete ? to be cold, or to cool, chill, or freeze li ? precedes the predicate, unless the subject is only mi or only sina li ? marks a verb (especially in conjunction with e) li ? and (between multiple predicates) lili ? little, small, short, a bit lili ? few lili ? young lili ? unimportant lili ? smallness lili ? scarcity, insufficient lili ? to be, become, or make small lili ? to reduce, lessen, shorten, or shrink linja ? a long, thin, flexible, floppy thing, such as a cord, hair, line, rope, thread, or yarn linja ? a connection, especially to the internet linja ? long, thin, and flexible linja ? linear linja ? hairy, bristly linja ? to be linear or linearize lipu ? an object with a flat surface lipu ? something that can be written on, such as a card or paper lipu ? a document or record lipu ? a medium of information storage, such as a book, file, or website lipu ? to document loje ? the color red loje ? red, reddish loje ? to be or turn red lon ? located at, in, or on lon ? the present lon ? real, true, existent, actual lon ? presence, existence, truth lon ? to exist lon ? to be present, real, or true lon ? there is, it is lon ? to be awake lon ? to cause to exist lon ? to create, actualize, or bring about lon ? to prove lon ? yes, that's true luka ? an arm or hand luka ? five luke ? manual luka ? to press luka ? to physically touch or feel using the arm or hand lukin ? alias of oko lukin ? an eye lukin ? the sense of sight lukin ? to look, to see, to watch, to examine or read with the eyes lukin ? to pay attention by looking, watch out, or obey something seen lukin ? to try lukin ? visual lukin ? ocular lupa ? hole, pit, orifice lupa ? doorway, window, portal lupa ? opening, gap lupa ? door lupa ? rigid plane lupa ? holed, holey, apertural lupa ? to be or turn into a hole or pit lupa ? to dig, to perforate, to dent ma ? land, earth, ground, soil ma ? the outdoors ma ? a world or place, especially a terrestrial one ma ? a territory such as a country ma ? of or relating to land, terrestrial, national ma ? to be or turn into land, such as to reclaim land, compost, or terraform mama ? parent, ancestor (inclusive of mother and father) mama ? caretaker, sustainer mama ? originator, creator mama ? parental, of or relating to parents mama ? to be or turn into a parent or a creator mama ? to birth, to create mama ? to take care of, to raise, to rear mani ? money, currency mani ? cash, wealth, savings, capital mani ? a large domesticated animal, especially regarded as an asset mani ? livestock mani ? monetary mani ? to be or to become of monetary value mani ? to cash in, to liquidate mani ? to be or turn into a large domesticated animal meli ? woman, girl, lady meli ? wife, girlfriend meli ? femininity meli ? female, feminine, womanly meli ? to be, to become or to make feminine meso ? middle, midpoint meso ? space inside or between meso ? medium, mediocre meso ? neither one nor the other, neither fully is nor fully isn't meso ? to be or to turn medium or mediocre mi ? first-person personal pronoun mi ? I, me mi ? we, us mi ? my, mine mi ? our, ours mije ? man, boy, sir mije ? husband, boyfriend mije ? male, masculine, manly mije ? to be, to become or to make masculine misikeke ? medication, medicine misikeke ? pill, vaccine misikeke ? to cure misikeke ? medical, clinical moku ? food or drink moku ? something that can be consumed moku ? a meal moku ? to consume, to eat, drink, or use up moku ? to swallow or injest moku ? to cause to eat, to feed moku ? to be or turn into food or drink moku ? to be, become, or make edible moku ? edible moku ? of or relating to food, drink, or consumption moli ? dead or dying moli ? deadly, fatal, lethally dangerous moli ? to die moli ? to kill moli ? death monsi ? the back or area behind monsi ? the buttocks monsi ? back, rear monsi ? to be or send to the back monsuta ? scary, monstrous, disturbing monsuta ? dangerous monsuta ? scared monsuta ? scary creature or entity, monster, demon, predator, beast monsuta ? something scary, a source of fear, horror monsuta ? a danger or threat monsuta ? fear, dread monsuta ? to be scary or monstrous, to be a monster monsuta ? to turn something or someone scary or monstrous monsuta ? to turn something or someone into a monster or an object of fear monsuta ? to scare monsuta ? to fear mu ? onomatopoeia for any animal sound mu ? meow, woof, moo, etc mu ? a general onomatopoeia (humorous) mu ? an animal or other sound mu ? to meow, bark, moo, etc mun ? a celestial object, such as a moon, planet, or star mun ? a glowing light mun ? a light in the dark mun ? celestial mun ? lunar, planetary, or stellar mun ? related to the visibility or orbit of the Moon mun ? glowing mun ? to be or turn into a celestial object musi ? fun, entertaining, recreational musi ? funny, comical musi ? playful, frivolous, silly musi ? artistic, artful musi ? interesting musi ? fun, entertainment, game, play musi ? art, work of art musi ? to be or to become artful or fun musi ? to amuse, to entertain musi ? to play, to have fun (with) musi ? to laugh mute ? many, a lot, much, several, multiple mute ? very mute ? multitude mute ? quantity, amount mute ? to be or to turn into many mute ? to multiply mute ? at least three mute ? twenty n ? used for thinking or humming n ? used for humming, repeated to represent how long the humming is namako ? spice namako ? embellishment namako ? extra, additional namako ? spicy, piquant namako ? to be or make extra or embellished namako ? to spice nanpa ? precedes an ordinal number nanpa ? -th nanpa ? a number, rank, or measurement nanpa ? numerical or numbered nanpa ? to be a number, enumerate, rank, measure, or order nanpa ? marks the following phrase as a rank or edition nasa ? weird, unusual, strange nasa ? eccentric nasa ? unexpected, random nasa ? silly nasa ? foolish, crazy, stupid nasa ? intoxicated, drunk, high nasa ? psychoactive, causing intoxication nasa ? strangeness nasa ? silliness nasa ? randomness nasa ? intoxication nasa ? to be or turn strange nasa ? to be or turn intoxicated nasa ? to become or drive crazy nasin ? a way (literal or figurative) nasin ? a custom, doctrine, method, manner, system, or philosophy nasin ? a path, road, street, or other route used for traveling nasin ? the act of following a way or philosophy nasin ? customary, systematic, philosophical nasin ? navigational nasin ? to be or turn into a way, to systematize or trailblaze nasin ? to follow a way or philosophy nena ? bump, protuberance, protusion nena ? button nena ? nose nena ? hill, mound, mountain nena ? cone, pyramid nena ? spike, thorn nena ? bumpy, protuberant nena ? convex nena ? of or relating to the nose, nasal nena ? to be or turn into a bump or protuberance nena ? to interact with the nose, to nuzzle nena ? to smell, to sniff ni ? this, that ni ? to do this; to do that nima ? a name, a word nima ? nominal, lexical nima ? to be or turn into a name or word nima ? to name, or to coin a word for noka ? a leg or foot noka ? the lower part, the bottom noka ? the area at the base, but not underneath noka ? leg-like, or foot-like noka ? pedestrian, of or intended for walking noka ? to be or turn into a leg, foot, or lower part noka ? to physically touch, feel, or strike using the leg or foot noka ? to kick noka ? ten or negative five o ? oollows a name or other phrase as a vocative particle; hey; o o ? hey o ? forms commands, taking the place of li o ? used as an optative particle to express wishes oko ? eye, vision oko ? alias for lukin oko ? ocular oko ? to be, or turn into an eye olin ? to love, have compassion for, respect, or show affection to olin ? to be or cause to be loved olin ? love, compassion, respect, affection olin ? something beloved or respected olin ? beloved or loving olin ? in a relationship centralized around love, compassion, respect, or affection, such as a romantic relationship or marriage ona ? third-person personal pronoun ona ? he, she, it, they ona ? its, his, her, their open ? to begin; to start open ? to be, become, or make open open ? to turn on, to activate open ? a start, a beginning open ? the act of opening or activating open ? of or at the start, initial, larval pakala ? botched, broken, damaged, harmed, messed up pakala ? accident, mistake, blunder pakala ? destruction, damage pakala ? to be, become, or make broken or ruined pakala ? to break or fall apart pakala ? to botch, damage, harm, or mess up pakala ? a mild expletive expressing negative emotion pali ? to work pali ? to function, to operate pali ? to work on, to make, build create, or prepare pali ? to act, to do, to perform, or carry out pali ? the act of working pali ? a project, activity, or deed pali ? active, working, operating palisa ? a long, mostly hard or inflexible thing, such as a branch, rod, or stick palisa ? long and hard or inflexible palisa ? to be, become, or make long and hard or inflexible pan ? grains, cereal, such as barley, corn, maize, oat, rice, sorghum, wheat pan ? food made from grains or cereal, such as bread, flour, injera, pasta, porridge pan ? baked goods, such as cake, cookies, pastries pan ? starchy food, such as breadfruit, cassava, potatoes, yam pan ? carbohydrate, carbs pan ? of or relating to grains or cereal pan ? to be or turn into grains or cereal pana ? to give or provide pana ? to send pana ? to put or place pana ? to release, to emit pana ? to be or turn into something given or emitted pana ? the act of giving pana ? a gift or emission pana ? of or relating to giving pana ? given, provided, or emitted pi ? introduces a postmodifying multi-word phrase pi ? of pilin ? the heart (physical or emotional) pilin ? A feeling pilin ? an emotion pilin ? a direct experience or sensation, the sense of touch pilin ? a belief pilin ? of or relating to the senses or emotions pilin ? emotional pilin ? to be, become, or cause to be a feeling; to feel; to sense; to touch pilin ? to think, to believe pimeja ? black, blackish pimeja ? dark, unlit pimeja ? the color black pimeja ? darkness, shadow pimeja ? night pimeja ? to be dark or darken pini ? completed, ended, finished, done pini ? past, ago pini ? of or at the end, final pini ? end, finish pini ? extremity, tip pini ? the act of closing or deactivating pini ? to finish, to end pini ? to be, to become or to make closed pini ? to close pini ? to turn off, to deactivate pipi ? insect, bug, pest pipi ? of or relating to insects pipi ? of or pertaining to insects pipi ? to be or turn into an insect pipi ? to annoy poka ? a hip poka ? a lateral side poka ? the vicinity poka ? the area next to poka ? near, nearby, neighboring poka ? beside, at the side poka ? to be or put next to poki ? a container or vessel poki ? a bag, bowl, box, cup, cupboard, drawer, glass poki ? of or relating to a container poki ? to be or turn into a container poki ? to contain, to box pona ? great, yay pona ? coherent with the philosophy of Toki Pona pona ? good, positive, healthy, or helpful pona ? goodness, positivity, simplicity pona ? ok, cool pona ? to be, become, or make good pona ? to rock pona ? to improve or fix pona ? to simplify so as to make healthy or useful pu ? interaction with Toki Pona: The Language of Good pu ? official pu ? the book Toki Pona: The Language of Good itself sama ? the same or similar sama ? about equal sama ? of the same kind sama ? like, as sama ? similarity or equality, the same way sama ? a sibling or peer sama ? to be, become, or make the same sama ? to resemble, equate, equalize seli ? fire seli ? heat, warmth seli ? chemical reaction seli ? heat source seli ? to heat, warm up seli ? to cook seli ? hot, warm seli ? cooked selo ? outside, surface, outer layer selo ? skin, bark, peel selo ? shell selo ? boundary seme ? what, which seme ? whom, whose, who, who's, whomst seme ? why, how seme ? a question word sewi ? top, up, sky sewi ? overside, area above sewi ? peak, highest point sewi ? to raise, to rise sewi ? high, at the top, sewi ? up, above, superior, elevated sewi ? holy, divine, sacred, supernatural sewi ? God, god, religious sewi ? awe-inspiring, magical sijelo ? body sijelo ? torso sijelo ? physical state sike ? ball, round or circular thing sike ? circle, sphere sike ? wheel sike ? cycle sike ? round sike ? cyclical sike ? of one year sin ? new sin ? fresh sin ? another, extra, additional sin ? anew sin ? again sin ? to be new, renew, renovate, or freshen sin ? newness sin ? renewal sin ? novelty sina ? you sina ? yours sina ? second-person personal pronoun sinpin ? front sinpin ? chest, torso sinpin ? face sinpin ? wall sinpin ? foremost sitelen ? picture, image sitelen ? symbol, representation sitelen ? mark, writing sitelen ? to draw sitelen ? to write soko ? mushroom, fungus sona ? knowledge, wisdom sona ? intelligence sona ? to know, understand sona ? to be skilled in sona ? to have information on, be wise about sona ? to know how to soweli ? land animal, hairy animal, land mammal soweli ? meat from an animal soweli ? flightless bird soweli ? animal, creature suli ? size suli ? to enlarge, lengthen suli ? big, large, tall, long suli ? important suli ? adult suli ? heavy suno ? sun suno ? light, glow, radiance, shine suno ? brightness suno ? light source supa ? horizontal surface supa ? a thing to put or rest something on supa ? piece of furniture suwi ? candy, sweet food suwi ? to sweeten suwi ? sweet suwi ? sweet, fragrant suwi ? cute, adorable suwi ? innocent tan ? origin, cause tan ? from tan ? by, because of taso ? only, sole taso ? but, however tawa ? movement, transportation tawa ? to go to tawa ? to move, displace tawa ? to walk, travel tawa ? to leave tawa ? moving, mobile tawa ? to, towards tawa ? for tawa ? until tawa ? from the perspective of tawa ? precedes the indirect object telo ? water, liquid, fluid, juice, wet substance telo ? beverage telo ? sauce telo ? to water, wash tenpo ? time tenpo ? time, a period of time tenpo ? duration tenpo ? moment tenpo ? occasion, situation toki ? language, speech, communication toki ? speaking, verbal toki ? to say, speak, communicate, use language toki ? to think toki ? hello, hi tomo ? building tomo ? house, home tomo ? indoor space, room tomo ? indoor tomo ? domestic, household tomo ? to interact using a building tomo ? to enclose, to shelter tonsi ? non-binary, gender-nonconforming, genderqueer tonsi ? trans, non-cisgender tu ? two tu ? duo, pair tu ? to double tu ? to separate, bisect unpa ? sex unpa ? sexuality unpa ? to have sex unpa ? to have sex with, sleep with, fuck unpa ? to have sexual or marital relations with unpa ? erotic, sexual uta ? mouth, oral cavity uta ? lips uta ? jaw uta ? oral utala ? conflict, disharmony, violence utala ? fight, war, battle utala ? competition utala ? strike, blow utala ? argument utala ? to hit, strike, attack utala ? to battle, challenge, compete against utala ? to struggle against walo ? white, whitish walo ? light-colored, pale walo ? to be or to turn white or light walo ? to whiten, to lighten wan ? one wan ? unit, element, atom wan ? part, piece wan ? to unite wan ? unique wan ? united waso ? bird waso ? flying creature waso ? winged animal waso ? to be or to turn into a bird or another flying creature waso ? to fly waso ? of or relating to birds or other flying creatures waso ? flying wawa ? energy wawa ? strength, power wawa ? to strengthen, energize, empower wawa ? strong, powerful wawa ? fierce wawa ? energetic, intense wawa ? loud wawa ? sure, confident weka ? absence weka ? to throw away, get rid of weka ? to remove weka ? away, absent weka ? missing weka ? ignored wile ? want, desire wile ? require, need wile ? consent wile ? to want, to wish wile ? require, to need, have to, must wile ? to consent (to) wile ? to want to wile ? of or relating to wants or desires wile ? consentual 

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Sikat na news na yung copyright issue ni shaira sa "selos" na kanta. Im also against stealing someone's artwork or music. Pero curious lang ako, paano pala ung ibang parody songs dati. Paano nila na pull off na d sila nakasohan? Like andrew E's banyo queen and mga kanta din ni michael bustos, nagpaalam ba sila?

Honest to god, I'm doing my best to move on from her na. Yesterday and today wala ko ni skwela kay mag depression nap rako the entire two days. Tomorrow I think mo skwela nako but for sure di gihapon ko makatulog karon. Lisod gyud diay mo move on from matters of the heart sa. Suwayan nako magpa member balik sa gym akong gi adto sauna tomsie.
I've run out of tears to cry for her gali, I cried in front of my mother after telling her what happened gali(nasuko siya sa girl kay ngano daw gi duwaan rako). Salamat sad sa mga taw nga ni reach out sa akoa, you helped a lot in easing the pain even for a little. Ang akoa lang gyud problema ron is how do I sleep. Pag dominggo and lunes ni try gyud ko matug ug sayo(for my standard). Pero it seems like akong mind kay in chaos gihapon. She cut off contact na and I wanted to block her pero di pa nako kaya although gi unfriend nako niya maka chat gihapon ko and to my surprise kay delivered akong chats, so nakabasa ra siya.
That means I can still chat pero di na siya mo reply, Don't worry wala nako nag chat niya as I really am trying to move on. I can't think of ways to cope better, the chats with people from here nga naka experience ug same situation helped validate my feelings. I really di appreciate everyone nga ni reach out. And even though isa sa favorite things I liked doing kay mag stroll sa IT park ig kadlawn, I find myself tired and not wanting to do that anymore.
Right now I'm just playing video games kay mao man ang isa gyud nako nga hobbies that has helped me think about things profoundly. I use video games to think about life but also use it as an outlet. Some might think nga loser ko for playing video games to cope and I respect your opinion bisag lahi ta. Pero I just really want to move on and have her out of my mind already. Once again, thank you sa pag basa sakong mga rants and I appreciate everyone nga ni reach out and gave me their own stories.

Someone over on /eurovision requested the titles of this year's Eurovision songs in other languages, so I thought I'd give translating them into Toki Pona a shot. I'm still a beginner, but here's what I've come up with. Does this all seem reasonable?
Albania (TiTAN): sewi suli
Armenia (Jako, a person's nickname): jan Jako
Australia (One Milkali, "one blood"): wan telo loje sijelo
Austria (We Will Rave): mi mute li tawa nasa wawa
Azerbaijan (Özünlə apar, "take me with you"): o tawa e mi lon poka sina
Belgium (Before the Party's Over; this one was hard and I'm still not sure about it): kulupu musi li pini la
Croatia (Rim Tim Tagi Dim, the rhythm of a dance; it's supposed to flow when you say it, so I had to take some liberties due to "ti" being forbidden): len ten take ten
Cyprus (Liar): jan lon ala
Czechia (Pedestal, about learning to put oneself on a pedestal): ma sewi
Denmark (Sand): ko kiwen
Estonia ((nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi, "we (sure) know nothing about (these) drugs"): ko nasa (ni) la mi sona ala (a)
Finland (No Rules!): lawa ala a!
France (Mon Amour): jan olin mi
Georgia (Firefighter): jan utala e seli
Germany (Always on the Run): tenpo ale la mi tawa
Greece (ZARI, "dice"): ijo kama e pona e ike
Iceland (Scared of Heights): sewi la mi pilin monsuta
Ireland (Doomsday Blue): laso tenpo ike a
Israel (Hurricane): kon wawa suli
Italy (La noia, "boredom"): musi ala
Latvia (Hollow): poki li jo e ala
Lithuania (Luktelk, "wait a bit"): o awen lili
Luxembourg (Fighter): jan utala
Malta (Loop, as in being "on loop"): sike
Moldova (In the Middle): lon insa
The Netherlands (Europapa): jan Elopa
Norway (Ulveham, I think it means "wolfskin"...it's something about a wolf, anyway): selo soweli mun
Poland (The Tower, with an emphasis on its sturdiness in context): tomo awen
Portugal (Grito, "I scream"): mi kalama suli
San Marino (11:11): wan wan wan wan
Serbia (Ramonda, a type of resilient purple flower): kasi loje laso awen
Slovenia (Veronika): jan Pelonika
Spain (ZORRA, "female fox"; an insulting term for a woman): soweli meli jaki
Sweden (Unforgettable): jan la sona li weka ala
Switzerland (The Code, as in binary): ala en wan
United Kingdom (Dizzy): nasa
Ukraine (Teresa and Maria, as in Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary): sewi Telesa en sewi Malija

My bestfriend R and I are both bisexual. I am closeted, she is not. Siya lang ang may alam sa sexuality ko (except sa mga ka hook-up na guys), kahit mga ex-girlfriends ko walang alam. It's one of the reasons why we became so close.
We met in college. She befriended me because gusto nyang harutin yung isa ko pang bestfriend, si K (lalake). Naging close kaming tatlo, pero siguro sa lakas ng gaydar nya o baka sensitive lang siya sa mga ka competition, nahulaan nya na may gusto ako kay K. Si K walang kaalam-alam. May feelings din talaga ako kay K noon (he's straight, never ako umamin), and matagal-tagal din akong naka move on. Actually buong 4 years ng college, aaminin kong infatuated talaga ako kay K, to the point na minsan lang ako nagkagirlfriend and ang ikli lang ng mga relationships ko.
So all of college, we would joke and tease each other about K and our rivalry over K. Akala ko talaga magkaribal kami ni R, kasi meron talagang mga moments na parang nag-iiba ang mood nya pag magkasama kaming tatlo compared sa pag kami lang dalawa ang magkasama. Para siyang biglang nalulungkot or naiinip. Akala ko noon pinagseselosan nya lang ako. Akala ko gusto nya lang solohin si K. Tinutukso ko pa siya noon. Yun pala ako na gusto nya.
Buong college hindi siya umamin. Actually naging girlfriend pa nga nya yung isang lecturer namin na 9 years older when we were seniors (yes I know it's weird pero 22 naman siya non). Umamin na lang siya sakin this year, habang iniiyakan nya yung lecturer namin while lasing siya (kasi break na sila). “Iniyakan din kita ng ganito noon” sabi nya. And dun na nga nya inamin lahat. Na si K hanggang crush lang daw and ang bilis daw nawala, na ako daw talaga minahal nya. Yes, ginamit nya ang M word. Gulat din ako, ang heavy nun. Minahal nya daw talaga ako. Naiiyak daw siya sa selos noon pag nakikita nya kaming dalawa ni K na nagbabasketball lol. Naiinggit daw siya pag may ginawa akong kahit ano para kay K. Pumupunta daw siya sa simbahan on weekdays at magsisindi ng kandila para ipagdasal na mahalin ko rin siya. Pero take note, ang pagkwento nya pajoke. And tinatawanan nya ang past self nya the whole time. So ibig sabihin nakapagmove-on na siya sakin. Siyempre move on na talaga siya, ibang tao na iniiyakan nya eh. So it was just a funny story to her. At that time it was just a funny story to me too.
Ngayon hindi na nakakatawa. Napaisip din ako, bakit nga ba di ako nagkagusto sa kanya? Sa lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay siya ang pinakamalapit sakin and pinaka may alam sa lahat, like I said siya lang ang may alam sa sexuality ko. Nagawa ko na rin lahat kasama siya (maliban na lang sa physical stuff) na kahit sa mga ex ko hindi ko nagawa, like sabay mag grocery, kumuha ng passport, sabay luminya sa Philhealth, etc. Naisip ko marami-rami din kaming nagawang mga favors and mga out of our way na kindnesses para sa isa't isa. Sinasamahan nya ako palagi sa airport kahit madaling araw ang flight ko. One time buong gabi wala akong tulog kasi nilipat lipat ko siya ng ospital para maghanap ng may surgeon na pwedeng tumahi agad sa sugat nya nung nahulog siya sa motor. Hell, binigay ko nga ang motor ko sa kanya for free. Maraming mga bagay na sa isip ko ginagawa lang ng mga nagmamahalan. Naisip ko na ang tanga at bobo lang na di ko siya minahal. It makes so much sense na magmahalan kami.
Tinry kong tanungin siya sa inuman, pajoke lang, what if magkagusto ako sa kanya ngayon? Tumawa lang siya, sabi nya ang sama ko daw kung mangyari man yun. Magagalit daw siya. FO daw, di na nya ako kakausapin. Sayang daw ang ilang taong effort nya mag move on sakin kung ganun. Di ako sure kung seryoso kasi patawa naman nya sinabi. So ngayon halos kalahating taon na akong nagnunurture nitong nararamdaman ko at nagtitimpi.
Alam kong mahal ko siya kasi iniiyakan ko na siya haha. Ngayon may kausap siyang guy from Bumble. Date date pa lang naman, di pa naman daw seryoso. Minsan pag nagkataon, hinahatid ko siya sa mga dates nila, nanginginig talaga ako sa selos. Tatambay muna ako sa parking lot para kumalma lol. Naiinip ako pag nakikita ko yung lalake kahit mabait naman sa kanya at wala namang ginagawang masama. Minsan I catch myself thinking incel thoughts like "Bakit siya nakikipagdate sa isang 5'8" na masakitin kung nandito naman akong isang 5'11" na malakas ang immune system" hahaha matatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko. Pero naisip ko parang karma ko na lang din, noon iniiyakan nya ako, ngayon ako naman ang iiyak lol. Minsan napapanaginipan ko ang mukha nya na umiiyak habang nanonood siya na nagbabasketball kami ni K and magigising akong naluluha kasi ang sakit isipin na pinaiyak ko siya ng ganon noon.
Malapit na talaga akong umamin, promise. Nasa tip of my tongue na. Kada inuman yun talaga iniisip ko, na umamin na, bago pa siya mafall dun sa kadate nya. Pero naghehesitate ako pag naalala ko yung sinabi nya, na FO daw pag magkagusto ako sa kanya. Sa isip ko parang tama lang din naman, I deserve it, bobo and tanga din naman talaga ako. Pero syempre ayaw kong mangyari yun. So ang plano ko muna is suyuin siya, go out of my way para samahan at tulungan siya araw araw, but that's the problem. I already do that! Nilista ko yung mga bagay na dapat ginagawa para sa gf, I already do it and more. And mga bagay na I expect from a gf (besides intimacy), she already does it. Diba ang bobo ko? Matagal na pala kaming umaastang parang mag-asawa, bat ba ngayon lang ako natutong mahalin siya? So ano bang extra na dapat kong gawin BESIDES CONFESSING. Aamin din ako but not yet. Ang gusto ko when I confess she sees from my actions na seryoso ako, hindi ako nagjojoke. Kasi palagi nya akong tinatawanan, sinasabihan nya akong masama at unfair daw pag naghihint ako sa inuman na ako na lang idate nya lol. Masama daw ako kasi bakit ngayon lang na nakamove on siya. Pero at least wala siyang sinabing any hint of ayaw nya sakin. I know I have a chance. So ang dami kong problema. Right now na naghihint pa lang ako I know that when I confess, 1. Hindi siya maniniwala, akalain nyang joke lang BUT 2. If she does believe me, she'll say I'm being cruel and unfair and baka i-FO nya ako. Syempre takot akong i-FO pero iniisip ko hayaan ko na lang kaya and then when she ignores me or cuts me off I double down sa pagsuyo pero syempre takot din akong maging creepy stalker and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Grabe, do you feel my anxiety ba? I'm not giving up pero ang daming angles of attack, ang daming possible bad ending. Basta hindi ako papayag na hindi maging kami. It does not make sense for us to not be with each other! Sorry, asking for advice post sana to eh pero bigla akong sinaniban ng audacity in the middle of typing. Salamat reddit, kahit hindi ko pa nasubmit tong post, natulungan na ako. Red flag na kung red flag, aagawin ko siya sa lecheng 5'8 na yun if I have to. Bye