Should abilify be taken by itself

DiWHY

2013.11.20 22:18 IAMmojo DiWHY

Ever try fixing things on your own? Didn't come out the way they were supposed to? Do you stand there questioning your whole life? If so, post your results here to DiWHY (Pronounced: Dee Eye WHY). Where shitty projects from DIY live prosperously. If at any time you feel that a specific post isn't living up to the sub (be gentle as this is a humor sub, not meant to be taken seriously), please feel free to report (give exact reason) and let your voice be heard with downvotes and comments.
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2008.08.26 18:54 A place for birders to be

Birding. bird watching. twitching. listing. Whatever you want to call it, if you are looking at or listening to birds, this is where you should be.
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2011.09.13 01:56 keraneuology Classic lines from other posts

This reddit was inspired by a post by The_Big_Salad - when I read "mystery cloth on the guy's head turns out to be his underwear" I knew it had to be done.
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2024.03.29 06:39 ItsMeHello121 Legal advice for Malpractice

Is there treatment for when a person is overwhelmingly medicated to the point where all they got was side effects and the medications still hurt them years later after being off of them? I was first sent to The Meadows in 2017 and put on Zoloft and Risperidone which both combined didn't even help and then later that year once I got off of them I was put on Abilify Maintena 400mg, I took that which was still debilitating and did nothing then I was instutionalized to The Meadows again in 2018 and was put on Zoloft and Abilify Tablets which again exacerbated my side effects even more and later on in the year I got off of the medications and still had problems with side effects which I still noticed years later but less amplified but still it's not professional and not healthy to be on multiple medications which have little to no benefit to anyone. I feel the only solution is to sue because I am not going to get the help I want for it. Zoloft shouldn't be combined with Risperidone or Abilify, I honestly think every antidepressant should be taken by itself without a combined antipsychotic because that's fucking stupid to combine drugs with drugs it doesn't interact well regardless. I thought this stuff was taught in medical school? I've also noticed that my sleep was affected too because I have struggling years later with it literally everyday almost but before when I never had any medications my sleep and body was normal and healthy.
submitted by ItsMeHello121 to statecollege [link] [comments]

2023.12.01 04:46 adiposity256 Was Amber's substance abuse as Johnny described?

This is an attempt to summarize a conversation I had recently (which ended in me being blocked) about Amber Heard's alleged substance abuse. Johnny Depp accused Amber of substance abuse of various kinds, in this statement:
I remember that before the release of The Lone Ranger in July 2013, I had had another five day stint in rehab and had not been drinking prior to the release of that film. Ms Heard, on the other hand, continued to drink and take amphetamines, MDMA, magic mushrooms and other drugs in front of me. It was not uncommon for her to have two bottles of wine in a space of just over an hour. She never supported me in my attempts to be strong and to avoid alcohol and drugs.
After this, for the most part of our relationship, and with very occasional lapses, I would use marijuana and drink wine; whereas Ms Heard took ecstasy, cocaine, MDMA, a lot of magic mushrooms, and would use a type of amphetamine similar to speed almost daily. At times, we took drugs together: MDMA, mushrooms, cocaine. However, these were not common occurrences, whereas Ms Heard's drug taking was extensive and constant. I consider her to have an addiction to both cocaine and amphetamines.
Here he alleged that Amber:
Amber's response to these allegations is as follows:
  1. Johnny says I often drank more than him, and that I am a regulaheavy drug user. That’s just not true, although of course I drank more than him during the brief periods when he was sober. If he was sober, then to be respectful, I would usually check with him that it was okay for me to drink wine in front of him. He would say yes and often insisted on pouring my wine.
  2. I am not a habitual drug user. During our relationship I would say that I could count the number of times I attempted to smoke marijuana on two hands. I don’t like it. I am not a personality that likes to be out of control. I did not take cocaine at all when I was with Johnny. I have taken MDMA or mushrooms a handful of times with friends. I was not under the influence of recreational or illegal drugs during any of the occasions set out in my last statement.
  3. I was prescribed Provigil in my twenties, as I was having a hard time with sleep and that was causing problems with my work schedule: I was sometimes falling asleep in the middle of the day. I saw a sleep specialist who prescribed me the drug, which I take to this day in the prescribed dosage. I have not upped the dosage since I first started taking it. I am not addicted to it and I have never taken it outside of the way that it is prescribed.
  4. I do like to drink wine, but I don’t like to get drunk. I have never drunk two bottles of wine in an hour as Johnny claims; I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t want to. I rarely drink to an extent that would get me past what I would characterise as “tipsy.” Johnny’s usage was something else entirely, as I have said. I was not drunk on any of the occasions that I talk about in my last statement. I was not drinking heavily on my birthday as Johnny says; my recollection is that I had not been drinking a great deal that evening.
Amber also stated in a different statement:
I was not drunk, but I did take a small amount of mushrooms and MDMA. I quickly discovered that I was not psychologically in a good place to do that. Part way through the festival I started to feel intrusive thoughts about was happening in my actual life. I took Rocky aside and communicated that I did not want to ruin anyone’s experience, and I did not want anyone to know that I was not having a good time, but I just wanted to go home and watch movies....Starling alleges that I threw up at least once in the parking lot. Not that it matters a great deal, but this is not true. I did not throw up at all during that weekend.
Amber has suggested that:
The question is whether Depp misrepresented Amber's substance abuse issues by his statement, or whether Amber downplayed her own use in her own statements.

Drank Alcohol

There is no question that Amber Heard drank alcohol during the relationship. In her witness statement 3 days after JD's, she spoke about drinking with JD a few times:
"We would hang out sometimes with the director, just drinking wine and talking"
"The first night we drank red wine together late into the night."
"He wasn’t drinking, and I remember he had gotten really into tea. In the evenings I drank red wine."

Took amphetamines (similar to speed)

This is an inaccurate statement as it was missing the context that it was Provigil, a prescription medication. Furthermore, as pointed out in the comments, Provigil is not classified as an amphetamine, though it is a stimulant. Kate James had described it in testimony as "very speedy," and I think despite the misclassification, Provigil must be the stimulant that Depp was referencing. He may not have known it is not classified as an amphetamine. Another possibility is Adderall, which is an amphetamine. We know that Amber was prescribed Adderall in 10th grade, and it's unclear if she still takes it.
During her 2016 deposition, Amber was also asked about Provigil, but this was heavily objected to, and she did not give any details about it. Perhaps accusing her of amphetamine use was a strategy to force this into the open.
According to Amber here:
I was prescribed Provigil in my twenties, as I was having a hard time with sleep and that was causing problems with my work schedule: I was sometimes falling asleep in the middle of the day. I saw a sleep specialist who prescribed me the drug, which I take to this day in the prescribed dosage. I have not upped the dosage since I first started taking it. I am not addicted to it and I have never taken it outside of the way that it is prescribed.
So Amber has helpfully answered that she did take a non-amphetamine stimulant, Provigil. Her explanation, which cannot be confirmed, is that it was given to her by a "sleep specialist," due to trouble staying awake. However, this is a known use for Provigil. It has also reportedly been tested to help with meth and cocaine addiction. However, studies show it is not necessarily helpful for this.
Erin Falati notes state:
(8/30/14)
Ct alerted RN upon waking and self-administered Latuda 20mg and Provigil 200mg at 1300....Ct self-administered Provigil 200mg at 1530.
(9/1/14)
Ct given Latuda 20mg and Provigil 200mg at 1230 ... 1900 Ct informed RN she self-administered Neurontin 100mg at 1345, Provigil 200mg at 1445
(9/5/15)
Ct awake at 0815. Administered Provigil 200mg and Latuda 20mg at 0820. Neuron tin 100mg and Provigil 200mg self-admin at 1205 per ct.
Here we have 3 instances of Amber taking 200mg twice per day. In two cases about 2.5 hours between doses, and one case about 4 hours between doses.
See here: https://reference.medscape.com/drug/provigil-modafinil-343000
Indicated to improve wakefulness in adults with excessive sleepiness associated with narcolepsy 200 mg PO qAM
Doses up to 400 mg/day, given as a single dose, have been well tolerated, but there is no consistent evidence that this dose confers additional benefit beyond that of the 200 mg/day dose
This seems to suggest the typical dose is 200mg, but 400mg is sometimes prescribed (as a single dose, or split dose based on other research I did).
Hughes notes on Adderall:
how you not use[?] - obvious to me, and then adderall -I could see how it could be like a drug - still so scared of taking it - my genetic chemistry + common sense
[Jan 18 2021] Meds - 0 (zero?) Adderall, 0 Sleep meds
That she's noting that Amber is not taking Adderall in 2021 suggests she had been prior.
Other thoughts, Amber would have had access to Johnny's medications (Adderall) and she told Hughes that her mother took speed.

MDMA:

Amber Heard May 4, 2022
But I'm 26, maybe-ish, and I wanted -- you know, I never heard of anyone making MDMA like what I had-- I had done MDMA before. You know, I thought it's a lovey drug. You know, it's like a kind of - I never knew anyone to get violent on it....I took a capsule, and Johnny took several. [she] got friendly, just like MDMA friendly, you know
Erin Falati notes 5/11/16
Ct admits to illicit drug use during the trip, and states she ingested mushrooms and MDMA simultaneously while also consuming alcohol....
Amber Heard 20 July 2020
Yes, I took MDMA and mushrooms on my birthday trip to Coachella, following the night prior to my, to the trip, which was the night I celebrated my birthday party
So plenty of agreement that Amber took MDMA at least two times that we can confirm. Additionally Amber seems familiar with the drug, referring to behavior as "MDMA friendly, you know" as if it's common knowledge. She notes she had done it before, and calls it a "lovey drug."

Mushrooms:

Amber Heard May 4, 2022
we were going to do, you know, like, laughy, as we said, laughy drugs like mushrooms, eat mushrooms, sit by a campfire. There's really not a whole lot else to do out there. It's like a getaway.
Amber Heard May 5, 2022
The bridal party, we had planned to do a cuddle puddle, have mushrooms, and drink wine and, you know, have our, like, you know, girl party separate.
So again, we have 3 instances of Amber confirming she did mushrooms. She says there's "not much else to do" in Hicksville, confirms she planned them for her bridal part, and we also know about the Coachella instance.

Other drugs

Erin Falati (8/27/14)
AH reports history of substance abuse, including an addiction to cocaine and liquor. Ct reports abstaining from cocaine "for a couple years" but was unable to report exact dates.
Josh Drew:
The question is: In general, what drugs does Ms. Heard use? So to the extent that you know.
THE WITNESS: Mushrooms, LSD, cocaine, Ecstasy.
So to the list we can add cocaine and LSD. Josh Drew was also asked about frequency of use, and he said he couldn't say. When questioned in the UK, he confirmed he never saw Amber use cocaine himself, but he was aware that she used it. How exactly he became aware is unclear, but as his girlfriend was Amber's best friend, that seems like a likely source.
Raquel Pennington said she had done cocaine with Amber on a number of occasions, but stated that Amber hadn't done it since she was with Johnny. But as Josh Drew only knew Amber during the period she was with Johnny, it seems likely this is not true. Additionally, Amber in the UK started to explain she had done cocaine after Johnny:
Q. From the time when you ceased taking cocaine as a teenager, did you ever take cocaine again?
A. No -- one time I did.
MR. JUSTICE NICOL: Just a minute. (Pause) One time you did.
A. Yes. Many years after the divorce, I took it one time, quite literally halfway through ----
Q. Well, is this after 2016?
A. Many years.
This testimony is cut short as it is deemed not relevant. It is interesting that it is "many years" after 2016, even though this testimony itself is only in 2020.
Amber's testimony is that she stopped doing cocaine when she was a 19:
I used cocaine a few times when I was 18, 19 years old, but stopped using any drugs including cocaine when I got into a relationship with my ex-partner. She was very against that, and I'm glad for it.
Now, oddly, Amber here claims she only used cocaine up to the age of 19, but also stopped using drugs including cocaine when she started dating Tasya. This would have been in 2008, when Amber was 22 years old. So why is it that Amber has stopped doing cocaine two times, seemingly, once when 19 and once again when 22? Or are we meant to understand that she really had stopped at 19, but that dating Tasya somehow precluded her from future use? And of course, we know that between 2016 and 2020, Amber acknowledged using it again. According to her UK testimony, she had stopped as a "teenager."

Sometimes drank 2 bottles of wine in "just over an hour"

If you use a blood alcohol content calculator, you can see that drinking two bottles of wine (roughly, 10 drinks) is quite a feat (about .37 see here). This is the one accusation that strikes me as unlikely--regardless of what we can prove how much she drank, the side effects at this level would be "Stupor, central nervous system depression, loss of understanding, lapses in and out of consciousness, low possibility of death."
Erin Falati reported:
She reports consuming 1-3 glasses red wine each day.
Hughes reported:
Typical: 1-2 glasses red wine at dinner
Amber also noted in testimony:
Johnny and I shared in common, a love for wine, red wine.
Josh Drew deposition:
Q Did you ever see her drinking alcohol?
A Yes.
Q Did you ever see her drink to excess?
A Yes.
Q On how many occasions did she drink to excess?
A Honestly, I couldn't tell you.
There is, however, one large caveat to these calculations. Amber was taking high doses of Provigil, and this article reports:
As a rule, you should not mix alcohol with Modafinil.
Others experience a heightened alcohol tolerance and difficulty feeling drunk despite having more drinks than normal.
Alcohol and Modafinil are two substances that have opposite effects on brain chemistry. Alcohol increases the activity of the neurotransmitter GABA and decreases the activity of glutamate. Modafinil is a GABA antagonist that decreases GABA production and increases glutamate production. The overall effect of combining these two substances is a tug-of-war between opposing neurotransmitters. Modafinil stimulates activity in one direction while alcohol depresses brain activity in the opposite direction. The side effects can be unpredictable.
This site suggests that because Modafinil has a half-life of 15 hours, it is ok to drink the next day after taking it (but not the same day). Although, as Amber took double the typical dose, even this may not be recommended. But what we can surely say, is that Amber was not taking Provigil the way it is prescribed, because she drank alcohol regularly, and took Provigil regularly.
Falati notes also say:
RN also educates client that alcohol intake can effect prescribed medication, including new medication Latuda. Ct states she understands but continued to consume wine.
Is 400mg of Provigil enough to enable someone to drink 2 full bottles of wine? I cannot say. It is enough to muddy the waters, that something that seemingly counteracts the effect of alcohol would have been present in her system regularly (at a high dose). Furthermore, it is completely possible that she took more than 400mg at times, further enabling her to drink more (I do not suggest this is likely, but the possibility exists).
So although I continue to find this one claim to sound exaggerated, and not in line with what she reported to Falati, it is not necessarily impossible. There are not enough studies, and we don't have enough information about what she might have consumed on those days, to say it couldn't have happened.
Continuing to Amber's statements:

She likes to drink but not get drunk/She rarely drank past "tipsy"

Referring to Josh Drew's statement that he saw her drank to excess, and couldn't identify how many times (suggesting more than a few), this seems like a false statement. Again, referring to Falati's notes of her self-reporting up to 3 glasses per day, again it is hard to believe she did not frequently get drunk.

She took Provigil according to a prescription

It is unclear what her prescription was.
Hughes noted: Provigil Lunesta 2mg. Notably, she does not record the dose for Provigil
Cowan did not list Provigil under her meds (Abilify 5, Neurontin 100, melatonin). However, he made a note that she had been diagnosed with narcolepsy and wrote "Provigil," again with no dose.
200mg is a typical prescription and 400mg is less so, but both are possible. But what is clear is that she did not follow instructions as she frequently drank alcohol with her medications.

She took MDMA/mushrooms a "handful" of times

We know of a few specific times, and Josh Drew confirmed that was on her list of drugs. Beyond that, it is unclear.
Falati stated that on one occasion not confirmed by Amber, she took both:
Ct laughed and also reported using illicit drugs (mushrooms and MDMA) on 5/9/16 at home with a high-profile male acquaintance. Ct reported that her husband was not aware of the male visitor, nor her illicit drug use.

She did not take cocaine with Johnny, and only "attempted to smoke" marijuana no more than 10 times while with JD

Hard to say, but we know she took photos at her apartment of carefully cut lines of cocaine with no one in the frame, and seemed to brag about it to others. She also took a photo of a large amount of marijuana on a couch. What the purpose was of "documenting" the existence of these drugs is unclear, but it's doubtful that JD would have needed proof that he had drugs around.
In her 2016 deposition, Amber claimed to "hate" that Johnny did marijuana. Yet, she texted him on her birthday to "bring up something to drink and/or a joint. I'm in if you are." While this does not contradict her claim, it is evidence she wasn't against his use, and even proposed it herself. And this raises the question of whether she used it more frequently, as well.

She never threw up at Coachella, just had "intrusive thoughts" after taking a "small amount" of drugs

In a text to iO, Amber wrote:
As I told you earlier that last evening, and wasn't ABLE to articulate later that night as I was having the worst trip of my life - and damn near thought we were going to have serious trouble... Even I though I might be fucked was going into convulsions and couldn't quite stop to explain, "I'm having the worst drug reaction I've ever experienced and the most painful trip and convulsions and I'm worried I might lose consciousness and then we're really fucked - not to mention how a trip to the ER for this would affect my probation... But please, sit down will ya?!" The worst experience of my life...
Pennington testified as follows:
MS. LAWS: And Ms. Heard took drugs as well?
A. I believe so, yes.
...
MR. JUSTICE NICOL: Sorry, Whitney was with you.
MS. LAWS: What do you say about whether she was drinking and taking drugs?
A. She was not.
Q. During that weekend, Ms. Heard at one point became so intoxicated she was vomiting?
A. Excuse me, what is the question?
Q. Do you remember that?
A. Do I remember her vomiting?
Q. Yes.
A. Privately, yes.
Falati notes state:
[Amber] states she ingested mushrooms and MDMA simultaneously while also consuming alcohol, and states she vomited and was "high for at least 24 hours straight."
Clearly, the evidence contradicts her account of not using alcohol, and not having vomited. Both Falati and Pennington confirm she did vomit, which at least partially corroborates Starling's statement that she vomited (Pennington does not agree that it happened publicly, but confirms it did happen).
​
In summary, it seems the statement Johnny Depp wrote is partially true, partially unconfirmed, and quite possibly exaggerated when it comes to two bottles of wine--with the caveat that Provigil may have enabled Amber to drink far past what a normal person could. Amber, for her part, denied any serious use, but we can confirm she likely downplayed her drinking, probably did not tell the truth about cocaine use, and almost certainly lied about her experience at Coachella (at a minimum, that she never threw up from overuse, and probably about drinking). We don't have her Provigil prescription, and none of her medical professionals seems to have documented the actual dose she may have been prescribed. The best we have is Falati confirming she was taking 400mg on some days.
submitted by adiposity256 to deppVheardtrial [link] [comments]

2023.07.19 20:44 onthisearth68 switching from pristiq to trintellix

So I have been on pristiq 50 mg for about a decade, then it started not working as well last August when I got anxiety attacks one night. So I added back 7.5 mg of mirtazapene and 1 mg of clonazepam (.5 taken before sleep and on waking) which I had done when I was first on pristiq after switching from lexapro which also failed after a decade or so (although I did find during that switch that 50 pristiq and 5 lexapro was better than the 50 pristiq alone, but after a while I was able to wean off of all the other medications except pristiq). There have been times I felt better but at this point it seems my body is not getting the benefit from pristiq that it once did. Today my pdoc had two options for me, to try abilify (which I am terrified of, health anxiety is really bad for me when this crap acts up and one of its possible side effects is akathisia which I experienced some decades ago when I tried prozac, dont want to ever feel that again, nor do I want any kind of metabolic disorder problem, have a friend who became ravenous on it). I have panic disorder, GAD, and MD though no outright pure panic attacks for years, though a panic attack is what started this mess in my early 30s. She gave me some samples of 5 mg trintellix and told me to go down to 75mg pristiq and take the 5mg of the trintellix which I will start doing tomorrow morning. She said trintellix has been really good for getting her patients off effexor and pristiq and itself is not hard to withdraw from due to its long half life. She did tell me it does make folks nauseous but for most it goes away eventually. She also said its not always good for the physical aspects of anxiety but does make the worry/obsessing part of it go away. Plus the klon should prevent an outright panic attack. I'm also hoping it drops my heart rate which has gone up on pristiq especially with the recent increase to 100 and possibly my bp as well (for which I take 25 mg hctz). She said not to change the mirt for now, it pairs well with trintellix she said. FWIW I am also finished the first third of TMS (second round, last round was 6 months ago, this is the MERT version and the first eeg reading did not show improvement so far this time though it was better than when I first began 6 months ago). I realize we are all different but I would like some positive stories of those who changed from pristiq to trintellix via a cross taper and how long before you felt better. My mornings are the absolute worst, by evening I am usually better but then dread the next day's morning. Also I have had years of success in the past with zoloft, lexapro, serzone and nortriptyline (but am too old to tolerate the tachycardia of the latter at this point) so usually when I find something that works it will work for a while, also I eventually slowly taper off the clonazepam when that happens without issue (but I always seem to need it to be able to tolerate the increase in anxiety that getting on ADs initially creates). Thanks!
submitted by onthisearth68 to trintellix [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:47 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to mentalillness [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:46 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to AskPsychiatry [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:45 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to Biohackers [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:45 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to selfmedicate [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:44 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to Anxiety [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:43 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to AnxietyDepression [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:41 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to socialanxiety [link] [comments]

2023.03.19 22:39 MrNeverEverKnew Cycling Meds for Depression/Social Anxiety

I suffer from depression and social anxiety since I was 15 years old (symptoms occured even before but with 15 I started noticing it very clearly, with 17 I first started going to a psychiatrist and therapist). Now I'm 23 and tried 3 different forms of therapies as well as over 14 different types of meds. Nothing helped so far, nothing reduced my symptoms. It's now called treatment resistant depression and even my doc says normal therapy is not effective for my type of depression, it definitely is caused biochemically/neurologically/biologically.
Except for my very last one: Lyrica. Lyrica helps at least a bit and makes my anxiety and depression a bit better. But I know Lyrica can cause dependance and horrible withdrawal as well as tolerance, so best would be to not use it daily but only as rarely as possible. I don't want to use any substance daily at all anyways, cause I've been through many horrible withdrawals. Hence my plan of cycling substances, meds, supplements, whatver to finally have a painless life.
My doc wanted to try every possible med left with me, so she's very open for new meds, which I'm too. She mentioned Tianeptine to try on me soon as - as said - Im trying my 15th med now without success or symptom reduction, for years, 2 depth psychological (analytical) and 1 cognitive behavioral therapy failed to help. I also do sports weekly (tennis and/or gym, skiing sometimes).
I might just take it if needed then, even if she prescribes it for daily. I mean, if it‘s an opioid and one says even harder to get off than oxy… Maybe if needed same as my Lyrica so one can switch them to reduce risk of tolerance/dependance/withdrawal of each. A 3rd med of different class would still be better to have a good cycle and get maybe at least 3, maybe even 5, worthful to live days and free of suffering days a week. 2 days completely off then.
Any idea? Lyrica is gabapentinoid = calcium channels, a teeny bit of GABA receptors itself too. Tianeptine is opioid = opioid receptors. What else could be added but not using the same receptor or system? What about Buspirone, Hydroxyzine, Clonazepam? So far I only have found Lyrica & Kratom to be helpful (even if it's not "curing" me, just making my day and symptoms by maybe 20-50% better, but only if not taken daily - hence the need for a cycle and not taking any similar chemical daily)
As I don't want to use any similar chemical daily or many days in a row or a week at all and in the best case only one neurotransmitteCNS system once a week max, I thought about cycling following, each one only once a week to reduce any risk of possible dependance, withdrawal or tolerance:
Voltage gated calcium channels (Gabapentionoid):
Opioidergic:
GABA:
Dopamine and/or Norepinephrine:
Other psychiatric medication (with need of a prescription by my doc) I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
OTC meds/supplements/herbs I thought of to add to cycle for the other left days in my week full of suffering that may be helpful for finally making my life painless and livable:
Some probably very weak herbs having no sense to try for my severe treatment-resistant depression and social anxiety:
Sure, last resort for me is also still:
submitted by MrNeverEverKnew to antidepressants [link] [comments]

2023.02.20 09:32 HughEhhoule Hollow Promises Book 2 Part 1

Hollow Promises Book 2 Part 1
Winter in new York is a grey, wet, diesel reeking slog. 4 months of walking through snowstorms or cramming into packed subway cars that havn't figured out how to not smell like piss in 80 years.
I chose the former, trying to pull my black suit jacket tighter to stave off the cold as I made my way to the squat, dilapidated VFW building.
We buried Eli earlier that day, small service, mostly old military friends, ( both literally and figuratively.) myself, and the ancient Rabbi.
But this was where the real memorial was going to happen.
I see some familiar faces, mostly folks I've crossed paths with during the course of my career or people that knew Eli long before me,. Back when he wasn't my best friend , but a top level medic patching up folks wounded on the type of special ops that the fate of the world hinges on.
I see a familiar face, at one point in time the two of us were out for each other's heads. A rivalry that left me with half of my teeth as broken splinters, and her with a left pupil that never contracted, just to name the highlights.
But the only constant in life is change, over my 10 year career her, and her superiors have came to a strained kind of peace with Eli and myself. Out of all of the flamboyant psychos she works with, I actually respect her.
She's six and a half feet of bulk, built like a wrestler, her hair is short and black, sunglasses cover her eyes despite the grey gloom of the November afternoon. The long brown trench coat she wears flaps in the wind as she struggles to light a cigarette.
She notices me walk up, but not lift the pack of Marlboro Red's from her coat pocket, i take one, offering her her own cigarettes back with a smirk.
She curtly takes the pack, shaking her head, and in a moment of anger, throws her useless plastic lighter across the street. My zippo has less trouble, i light her cigarette, then mine as we stand there, silently.
It's not uncomfortable, just the easy interaction of two people who are closer than friends, or lovers. Two people who have had each other's lives in their hands, time and time again, and never decided to close their fist.
"He was a good man Mike, crazy, but a good guy." Sam says, taking a long drag snowflakes making the tobacco sizzle and pop.
"Thanks." I say, taking a shuddering breath.
I've been crying in fits and starts all day, small, periodic breakdowns that never seem to put a dent in the tide of depression and rage that followed Eli's death. But i compose myself, stinging tears begining to well in my eyes.
"How are you taking it?" She asks, her tone level, but her concern evident.
"You mean, personally, or professionally?" I say, unintentionally sounding accusatory.
"Both, I guess. Not asking on the record, just asking." Sam lights another ciragette from the butt of the first before throwing it away. How she manages to wear a 200 pound suit of kevlar and strike plate in the field like it's cosplay gear, while puffing these coffin nails, i don't understand.
" I'm gutted, i jumped right the hell off the wagon, been on a 3 day bender, and I'm probably not going to stop until my puke is more blood than food.
If it wouldn't be spitting on what we were doing, I probably wouldn't be around any more to tell the truth. The guy survived the actual Nazis, all the crazy shit him and I did, not to mention everything in between, to be killed by what? A fucking blood clot. " I shake my head, trying to stop the free flowing tears," And as far as professionally? I should probably just pack it in.
It's been ten years, and I'm running on fumes, not just mentally either. If I listed you everything wrong with me, it'd sound like I was doing an old George Burns bit."
"But it's not like you go around immolating gang leaders and Jason Voorhees'ing violent Cults much anymore is it? That's why we like you, Mike, your reputation stops more violence than you committ.
You're sad, so am I, Eli was a legend, and you were closer to him than just about anyone. But life goes on, and you and I both know you are not going to move to Idaho and go back to being a birthday clown.
Finish your bender, puke your blood, and get your shit together, please. " her last sentence was spoken with more care and understanding than i could hope to convey with just words. She throws her second smoke away, walking into the building, i work up the courage to do the same a few minutes later, sitting at the back of the low ceilinged, wood-panelled meeting hall/bar as friends and fellow soldiers take it in turns to share old war stories, anecdotes and anything else they could think of relating to Eli.
I stayed silent, after all, what could I add to the conversation? The things the old man and I got up to were not exactly meant to be shared with a crowd.
The speeches stop and the drinking starts, i feel more in my element as the booze starts to flow and those around me without a deep seated alcoholism start to get hammered.
As afternoon turns to evening the crowd thins, i try and leave, but just can't bring myself to do it. As stupid as it sounds, it feels like I'm walking away from Eli himself.
So I sit in the decades old folding chair, deep in my mind, my choices, both future and past….
"So here he is, the homo that's been taking advantage of my dad for ten years." the voice is like gravel, i know who it is only by description, Eli's son. The Cliff's Notes? The guy is a piece of shit, as evidenced by him showing up hours late to his own father's funeral.
I don't want trouble, I stand, the little prick can't be more than 5'7, a full head shorter than myself, with faded meth scars and not so faded gin blossoms dotting his nose.
Not that i have any right to judge the last part.
"I was just leaving Steve, but for the record, you are extremely wrong about me and your dad." I say, trying to get past the scrawny addict.
Of course he isn't smart enough to just let me.
" I don't think I am actually, what other reason would a 30 something year old be spending all his time around some old guy? Always thought the old man was bent, so no surprise.
But the way I see things, is you got a lot of shit coming to you that is mine by right. I'm his son, not you, you Marlyn Manson looking, lurch shaped piece of shit. " Steve smiles up at me, and i think of how easy it would be to snap his spine over the back of one of these chairs.
I keep my voice low, and calm," Steve, what I 'get' is to clean out my dead best friends apartment, because you are his only family, and clearly are incapable of putting down the syringe long enough to move a box or pick up a broom.
I don't care if this is guilt at being a hemmerhoid on society for your entire life, or just a cash grab, but I'm not playing. "
I try to walk forward, push by the scum bag, but i feel a small prick in my stomach. He's holding an oversized folding knife, low and discreet, his black toothed smile spreading.
Quicker than he can react I grab his right hand in my left, releasing the lock on the cheap gas station knife, my right clamps down on the blade, catching his fingers between it and the handle.
"Shhhh" I whisper" if you make a sound you lose the fingers", i squeeze the blade until I feel bone, to underline my point.
Blood pours down his hand all but invisible in our corner of the dimly lit room.
"I'm going to let go in a couple of seconds. Then, you're going to stick your had in your pocket, walk outside and take a cab to the hospital.
If you do anything else, if you so much as stop to sneeze, i'will have you out of this building before anyone notices, and I'll leave you bleeding to death in an alley. " i keep my eye's locked to the bloodshot orbs of the addict, i take the knife, and for the briefest of seconds I see a flicker of defiance run through the man's eyes.
But he's smarter than he looks, and follows my request to the letter.
I left the wake a few minutes later, and find myself standing in Eli's apartment, half a buzz on, and the other half sitting on his tattered couch in the form of 6 40 oz bottles of Grey Snow malt liquor.
At first glance the place is a nightmarish horder's den. Boxes of erata stacked to the ceiling, every available surface holding some cup, knick knack or half repaired electronic, but all of this is just a facade, just something to throw off anyone that might want to start sniffing around, police, or otherwise.
But the place, really, is half armory half evidence locker. Organized via cypher, anything we felt we could use that we came across was here somewhere hidden among hundreds of warped records and fake dead cats.
At this point, you've probably asked yourself what the hell is it that I actually do. Let me clear that up as best I can.
If I'm being unbiased, there are 2 answers to this question.
The first, is that I'm a lunatic who slapped together an absurd moral arguement to take out his worst desires on other people. Then weaved a web of delusion around himself involving secret government agencies, serial killers, and a war vet.
Now, the second answer, is the one I'd prefer you to believe. And the one I tell myself every day is the truth.
I'm a guy who broke one day after seeing evidence of the worst type of crime. Who went to go out in a blaze of glory, ridding the world of one vile man, and ended up failing upwards, turning a handful of brutal, if deserved acts, into an urban legend who sits in the back of the minds of the worst people out there, making them question just how much of a reputation they can amass before coming face to face with me.
There's more to it than that, of course, but that's a whole other story.
The first part of the night goes quickly, getting rid of all the general crap Eli had amassed over the years. Just general old man junk, magazines from the 80's, expired canned food, medications he really should have been taking, nothing that required any thought to sort through.
So I drank, my mind wandering, my legs stumbling and my eyes crying as I dropped boxes of useless crap down the rusted garbage chute in the hallway.
When the last faded playboy and ball of rubber bands had been thrown away I was left with the real task ahead of me. The decade worth of what police would likely call "Evidence of serial murder.".
I'm dismantling a massive custom handgun using a cold welder and a hacksaw, when I'm hit with everything all at once.
I remember us laughing at how useless the thing was, the man wielding it was a bloodthirsty leader of a half gang half cult, but this tacticool nightmare was so impractical he didn't land a shot within 5 feet of me as I calmly sauntered up to him, and and stove in his skull with a lead cored lucite walking stick.
And that one brutal, stupid memory starts a flood of every negative emotion that has been brewing inside of me since I found his body, still in an armchair, taped re run of All in the Family still playing on the television.
I feel disconnected, surreal, i rock and shake, swearing, crying and raging at nothing in particular besides the series of bad luck and decisions that lead to this point.
Way in the back of my mind, I hear it, the voice, one of 2 actually. Whispering to me.
Mental health is at least as important as physical health when you spend your life doing shit that no decent person wants to do. That's why a handful of psych meds are as much a part of my equipment as any gun, knife, disguise or first aid item.
But ever since I gave up making people laugh and devoted my life to trying to make people safe there have been 2 little voices that no amount of abilify or Seroquel can touch. I call them Norman and the Boyscout. They don't talk to me, so much as I find my brain tuning into them from time to time. Personally, I think they are real people, out there somewhere, but I'm well aware that most scitzophrenics would say the same.
Norman, he's a dark scary piece of work. He knows how to stalk, lie, and feel like a million bucks while doing it.
The Boyscout, he might be crazier than I am. He talks like a golden age comics character meets a brain injury victim. But everything about combat i didn't learn from Eli, i learned from him.
I drown out Norman with more of the vaguely skunky tasting beer, and force myself to keep plugging away at the apartment.
Every item brings up a new memory, but one stands out among the rest. It's simple, an old cracked blackberry phone. It belonged to Doctor Alfred Grochowski, a man who I made sure never made it into any top ten serial killer lists. The bastard had a body count more like a disease than a man.
But originally, it wasn't him I was after.
The media called him the "Eighth Street Ogre.", stupid name for an average sized guy with almost no discernable features. His M. O was to find an isolated 24/7 party store, kill the clerk, steal the person's uniform, then proceede to brutalize a handful of customers through the course of the night before disappearing.
No video, only the odd witness from across a street, or deep in an alley. The exact type of scenario Eli and I loved to get involved in.
After weeks of dead ends and bad leads, either luck or skill lead to us finding the ogre, though not before he had decapitated the lone clerk in the comcally small bodega.And true to reports, he wasn't anyone obviously dangerous.
Short, with a wavy mop of dark hair obscuring his eyes, the only feature that stood out was his waxy almost feverish skin.
the store had 3 customer's jammed into it, likely violating a handful of fire codes. The rusted bell rings as i bring that number to four.
The orgre notices me, I notice the mangled body behind the counter.
Remember Sam talking about me being a birthday clown before? Well, she was being an asshole, but not totally off. Before all of this, I was a professional, registered, facepaint on an egg in Paris, clown. And to answer your question, yes the job prospects for that are exactly what you would assume, but it did leave me with a few skills.
One of which was the uniform I was wearing. A black and red tramps outfit, hanging off of my lanky form. It breaks every rule of the art of clowning, and is an eye straining disaster, just subtle enough to walk the streets in, just distracting enough to make someone wonder how much of a threat I could really be?
I hold the walking stick, 5 pounds of giveless lucite, and point it at the dead eyed man.
" We need to go outside and have a little..." i stop mid sentence, jaw just about hanging, the guy is half way across the tiny store before I register he moved.
I havn't even taken a step before he tackles a 50 year old man into a glass fronteted beer fridge. In an instant the floor is flooded with razor sharp shards and foaming liquid.
The other two patrons, a tall rough looking guy who I would have assumed was the scary one in the store and a young, drunk looking woman stare at the scene, immobile.
The ogre bludgeons, tears and slams his victim, never once pausing to pick up a weapon, or Adress any of the massive, yet barely bleeding cuts on his own body. I've seen every kind of killer, professional, talented amateur, rage, and every other color of the worthless psycho rainbow. But never someone who can turn a person into a mangled lump of flesh In a matter of minutes, using nothing but his bare hands.
The killer is silent, turning on me, and i wish i had came in with more than a stick and a knife. Walking around armed is risky, and i thought i was going to be dealing with some guy with sedatives and a lead pipe not... Whatever the hell the demon in front of me is.
The ogre lunges, i swing with the cane, demolishing his jaw, splitting it into a flapping, almost insect like looking mandible.
This should have killed the man, and if by some miracle that didn't happen, it should have turned his lights out in an instant, Ir left him bleeding to death from his face.
Drops of thick red blood slowly fall from the wound, but the dead eyed rage of the ogre doesn't skip a beat, he throws aside a cheap stell rack, stomping toward rough looking man.
Finally the two sheep tune into their situation and start to scramble out of the store, i run at the ogre trying to grab him, take him to the ground, i'm met with the stiffest elbow I've ever experienced directly between my eyes.
I'm on the ground dazed, and before I can shake the black spots from my vision he's on top of me.
Every blow feels like a cinder block, he wrenches my shoulder out of socket, i manage to draw my knife for all of about 2 seconds before he sends it flying across the store.
Sound goes dim, one of my eyes is swollen shut, and it's all I can do to put up one arm and try and gouge, tear and poke my way free of death.
None of this makes sense, the human body doesn't work like this, i see no technology, or even clever weapons on the guy. What i do see is no less than three wounds that should have killed him long before he started taking me apart.
I hear 4 loud pops, and feel blood hot enough to sald splash across my face. The ogre's chest sports 4 ragged, quarter sized wounds. Bad grouping, cheap ammo by the sounds of it, not Eli.
Finally the invincible bastard seems to notice a wound, getting to his feet, and stumbling almost drunkenly out of the store. The girl is gone, but i see the pig eyed, man standing, shaking, holding a pawn shop pistol and likely on the verge of a heart attack.
Eli copies and erases the security footage, the man wanted nothing to do with the cops, and i spend my time recuperating assuming that whoever the ogre was, he died a slow death after whatever the hell was on wore off. Bad grouping or not, four shots through the chest after everything else is three stooges leaves of body trauma.
My shoulder hadn't even stopped clicking before we began to see similar police reports and news segments.
And sure enough, a few weeks later I found myself staring and the same short, waxen, man, crimson stained hands pretending to sort lottery tickets.
This time I was wearing nothing more attention grabbing than a pair of blue jeans and a large hooded parka. The night was clear and I was hidden well, watching this human pipe bomb get ready to do his thing.
Sorry if it seems cold to watch someone murder a handful of people in a knock off 7-11, but in the real world, there are things you can fix and things you leave the hell alone. This situation was rapidly approaching 'leave the hell alone status'. Usually when this kind of thing happens Sam gives us a call, and at least a bit of reasoning, and we leave it alone. But neither her, nor anyone she had favors to call in from knew anything about the ogre.
Without the distraction of me trying and failing to put a stop to his rampage, the hunched, animalistic little man tore his victims apart at his leisure.
Long after he stalked off into the night, i made my way into the store, the bent steel, shattered wood, limbs torn from bodies, my first thought would be some kind of explosive, but i watched, as this place was nearly leveled, blow by blow, scream by scream.
So, that night Eli and I had ' The Talk'.
Eli, at one point was the type of guy who, when something was 'need to know', needed to know. He'd read the X-Files, and kept going to Y and Z, if you get what I'm saying.
But this, was the moment we both knew could happen, even if all evidence pointed toward it being bulls hit. The moment we find something actually paranormal.
Sounds stupid, i know, but when the evidence is dripping from the walls, things get a little hard to ignore.
So instead of hooking up with some scary guys selling scary guns, or maybe calling in a few friends in low places to even the odds I spent a month dealing with the most shit stuffed assholes on the face of the earth.
Psychics, cryptozoologists, ghost hunters, occultists, every word out of their mouths made my brain revolt, and every penny I gave them for their time made my soul cry, I knew even if I found one that got me on the other right track the other hundred were still con artists and horrible human beings.
I was convinced this had to be a vampire, nothing else really made sense, not that any option in the Woo Woo rainbow did, but this felt like the cleanest end of the turd to grab.
Eli was, ironically more of the mind this was a real urban legend, not some guy like me, using overactive imaginations to create a paper tiger, but some blight on the city, and spent his time trying to sort through creepypasta and psychotic ramblings.
The last time i was face to face with the ogre was in a massive, overnight grocery store, victims were plentiful, homeless folks looking for a warm place to be, shift workers getting frozen food, and all the other assorted misfits who frequent vendors in the wee hours of the morning.
He was pushing a mop, haphazardly across the canned food isle, but i watched him as he stared at his prey, his body twitching in anticipation of violence and bloodshed.
I'm wearing a leather jacket thick enough to stop a bullet, and while I could be just another face in the crowd, every stitch of clothing I wear is reenforced, or holding one of the handful of occult 'weapons' I brought with me.
I'm almost disapointed when he doesn't seem to recognise me, giving me no more of a look than any of the victims milling about the store.
My hand untwists the vial of the bottle of holy water, i stopper it with my thumb as I close the distance between us. I'm close enough to smeel an ammonia reek coming off of him, like urine and sweat in competing excess amounts, as I pull the bottle from my pocket, splashing it in the creatures face.
He recoils, stumbling backward, and i smile as I realise this fight is going to go a lot different than the first.
I shouldn't have smiled.
He was shocked, and stumbled backward, wiping at his face, because, well, that's what anyone would do when someone splashes an unknown liquid in their eyes.
No smoke, no hissing, no half melted walking corpse, just a wet, angry man shaped thing holding a broken mop handle like a dagger.
Can you guess what effect the silver bullets had?
Anyone think garlic worked?
And for extra credit, who can answer if a cross did anything to even slow the ogre?
Anyone who the questions positively has not been paying attention.
It was the worst beating I had taken, and handed to me by a guy using nothing more dangerous than his own flesh bare hands. To add insult to injury, he casually extinguished life after life as he did it.
Thrown ten feet through a plate glass window, saved only by the tattered remains of leather and steel from my outfit, i crawl through the parking lot. I roll onto my back, watching the oger walk through the window, heedless of the shards of glass tearing strip from his legs.
I can't do anything but try and breathe as the creature walks over to me, pausing a moment to take in the broken man below him.
I don't close my eyes, i want to see what fate this thing has in store for me. Eli has to be watching, maybe whatever it does will give him some kind of clue as to how to take it out.
I take what I assume is going to be my last breath as the Ogre falls upon me, but before I feel those steel fingers tearing into me half of the things head evaporates, I honestly expect the wound to repair itself, of the Ogre to keep going, heedless of the wound, but he drops, lifelessly as I'm sprayed with what used to be his grey matter.
I look in the direction of the gunshot, and there stands Eli, holding the largest handgun I've seen to date. On the ground below him, is a tall man in his mid 50's who would be photogenic if not for the severe facial bruising somehow caused by my octogenarian partner.
Dr. Grochowski, not that I knew that at the time.
He fixes me with a cold stare that tells me that if there wasn't the barrel of an elephant pistol aimed at his head, he wouldn't be going quietly.
He should have taken the chance Eli was as blind as he looks.
We took him to a warehouse Eli rents, worst lot in the worst block in the city. But the soundproof room worked for times when we needed to ask questions people didn't want to answer.
The good doctor didn't start talking until a week in, long past the point of pulling fingernails and keeping him up for days. It wasn't until I started in on his hands that he finally opened his corpse like lips.
In a world that wasn't hell bent on being a tragic joke, Dr. G would have been the kind of guy to cure cancer, or invent an artificial heart. But instead this once in a century genius saw that as below him.
The good Doctor wanted to make monsters.
But after decades of trial and error, he found something medical science won't fully understand fot another 50 years or so.
The exact limits of the human body.
This depressed the lovecraft hero wannabe as he realised his dreams of an army of uber mensch were not, nor ever could be attained. Monsters don't exist and they certainly can't be made.
So he set his sites lower, if he couldn't create monsters, he wanted to create a legend.
When we found the old farmhouse he had been using to store and mutilate his victims, that's when i stopped feeling bad for taking pieces of the man. Human beings, packed together, dead from starvation and exposure, treated with no more concern than a forgotten jar of tadpoles.
I wasn't fighting a single bullet proof, steel muscled monster.
Each ogre was a victim, made identical to the last by what may be the most skilled surgeon on earth, and pumped full of a cocktail of drugs that are a guarented death spent in a lobotomised haze,
He promised them freedom for a set amount of kills in the store, giving their slowly shutting down brain one goal to focus on till strokes, broken bones and incidental trauma left them as much a mangled corpse as their victims.
He seemed so proud to say he "cracked the twenty minute mark", in regards to survival time. I don't like to think of myself as someone who likes the violence I have to commit, but I took the man's eye for that remark.
We whittled that man down to a sightless torso to gain every bit of medical knowledge inside that twisted mind of his. I lost a bit of my soul doing what I did to him, but what we learned was a true torch in the darkness, showed us we didn't live in a world of monsters, the universe is ran by logic and reason, easy to understand once you know the rules.
I box the last of the useful items, and turn the last grenade into unidentifiable scrap. I grab a box to go back to my apartment, files, and a few dubiously useful firearms and explosives. And think of how two grown men, well versed in just how surreal the world can be still went full medieval peasent the second their worldview was questioned.
And questioning your worldview is where this story truly starts kids.
What, you thought this was going to be a story about a group of cut rate superheroes bonding over tragedy and saving the world one last time?
Fuck no.
First, as a story, that one has been told to death.
Second, as an event, it doesn't usually go that way. Tragedy, more often than not, is a wedge that gives people the excuse to part, versus the kind of relationship superglue media would have you believe.
No, I'm no hero, and I sure as hell am in no way super.
This story starts as that door closes behind me, and I notice I'm standing in a building that I've never seen, wearing clothes I've never owned, and holding not a box of of disturbing facts and violence, but a bag of groceries, and a set of keys.
My story starts in a city that calls itself New York, but bears little resemblance to the metropolis I've spent my life in. In a place that's two steps off of normal, streets with different names, landmarks with different histories, a place with plenty of dark corners containing things i couldn't dream of, a place of dangerous whispers and, Hollow Promises.
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2023.02.20 09:31 HughEhhoule Hollow Promises Book 2 Part 1

Hollow Promises Book 2 Part 1
Winter in new York is a grey, wet, diesel reeking slog. 4 months of walking through snowstorms or cramming into packed subway cars that havn't figured out how to not smell like piss in 80 years.
I chose the former, trying to pull my black suit jacket tighter to stave off the cold as I made my way to the squat, dilapidated VFW building.
We buried Eli earlier that day, small service, mostly old military friends, ( both literally and figuratively.) myself, and the ancient Rabbi.
But this was where the real memorial was going to happen.
I see some familiar faces, mostly folks I've crossed paths with during the course of my career or people that knew Eli long before me,. Back when he wasn't my best friend , but a top level medic patching up folks wounded on the type of special ops that the fate of the world hinges on.
I see a familiar face, at one point in time the two of us were out for each other's heads. A rivalry that left me with half of my teeth as broken splinters, and her with a left pupil that never contracted, just to name the highlights.
But the only constant in life is change, over my 10 year career her, and her superiors have came to a strained kind of peace with Eli and myself. Out of all of the flamboyant psychos she works with, I actually respect her.
She's six and a half feet of bulk, built like a wrestler, her hair is short and black, sunglasses cover her eyes despite the grey gloom of the November afternoon. The long brown trench coat she wears flaps in the wind as she struggles to light a cigarette.
She notices me walk up, but not lift the pack of Marlboro Red's from her coat pocket, i take one, offering her her own cigarettes back with a smirk.
She curtly takes the pack, shaking her head, and in a moment of anger, throws her useless plastic lighter across the street. My zippo has less trouble, i light her cigarette, then mine as we stand there, silently.
It's not uncomfortable, just the easy interaction of two people who are closer than friends, or lovers. Two people who have had each other's lives in their hands, time and time again, and never decided to close their fist.
"He was a good man Mike, crazy, but a good guy." Sam says, taking a long drag snowflakes making the tobacco sizzle and pop.
"Thanks." I say, taking a shuddering breath.
I've been crying in fits and starts all day, small, periodic breakdowns that never seem to put a dent in the tide of depression and rage that followed Eli's death. But i compose myself, stinging tears begining to well in my eyes.
"How are you taking it?" She asks, her tone level, but her concern evident.
"You mean, personally, or professionally?" I say, unintentionally sounding accusatory.
"Both, I guess. Not asking on the record, just asking." Sam lights another ciragette from the butt of the first before throwing it away. How she manages to wear a 200 pound suit of kevlar and strike plate in the field like it's cosplay gear, while puffing these coffin nails, i don't understand.
" I'm gutted, i jumped right the hell off the wagon, been on a 3 day bender, and I'm probably not going to stop until my puke is more blood than food.
If it wouldn't be spitting on what we were doing, I probably wouldn't be around any more to tell the truth. The guy survived the actual Nazis, all the crazy shit him and I did, not to mention everything in between, to be killed by what? A fucking blood clot. " I shake my head, trying to stop the free flowing tears," And as far as professionally? I should probably just pack it in.
It's been ten years, and I'm running on fumes, not just mentally either. If I listed you everything wrong with me, it'd sound like I was doing an old George Burns bit."
"But it's not like you go around immolating gang leaders and Jason Voorhees'ing violent Cults much anymore is it? That's why we like you, Mike, your reputation stops more violence than you committ.
You're sad, so am I, Eli was a legend, and you were closer to him than just about anyone. But life goes on, and you and I both know you are not going to move to Idaho and go back to being a birthday clown.
Finish your bender, puke your blood, and get your shit together, please. " her last sentence was spoken with more care and understanding than i could hope to convey with just words. She throws her second smoke away, walking into the building, i work up the courage to do the same a few minutes later, sitting at the back of the low ceilinged, wood-panelled meeting hall/bar as friends and fellow soldiers take it in turns to share old war stories, anecdotes and anything else they could think of relating to Eli.
I stayed silent, after all, what could I add to the conversation? The things the old man and I got up to were not exactly meant to be shared with a crowd.
The speeches stop and the drinking starts, i feel more in my element as the booze starts to flow and those around me without a deep seated alcoholism start to get hammered.
As afternoon turns to evening the crowd thins, i try and leave, but just can't bring myself to do it. As stupid as it sounds, it feels like I'm walking away from Eli himself.
So I sit in the decades old folding chair, deep in my mind, my choices, both future and past….
"So here he is, the homo that's been taking advantage of my dad for ten years." the voice is like gravel, i know who it is only by description, Eli's son. The Cliff's Notes? The guy is a piece of shit, as evidenced by him showing up hours late to his own father's funeral.
I don't want trouble, I stand, the little prick can't be more than 5'7, a full head shorter than myself, with faded meth scars and not so faded gin blossoms dotting his nose.
Not that i have any right to judge the last part.
"I was just leaving Steve, but for the record, you are extremely wrong about me and your dad." I say, trying to get past the scrawny addict.
Of course he isn't smart enough to just let me.
" I don't think I am actually, what other reason would a 30 something year old be spending all his time around some old guy? Always thought the old man was bent, so no surprise.
But the way I see things, is you got a lot of shit coming to you that is mine by right. I'm his son, not you, you Marlyn Manson looking, lurch shaped piece of shit. " Steve smiles up at me, and i think of how easy it would be to snap his spine over the back of one of these chairs.
I keep my voice low, and calm," Steve, what I 'get' is to clean out my dead best friends apartment, because you are his only family, and clearly are incapable of putting down the syringe long enough to move a box or pick up a broom.
I don't care if this is guilt at being a hemmerhoid on society for your entire life, or just a cash grab, but I'm not playing. "
I try to walk forward, push by the scum bag, but i feel a small prick in my stomach. He's holding an oversized folding knife, low and discreet, his black toothed smile spreading.
Quicker than he can react I grab his right hand in my left, releasing the lock on the cheap gas station knife, my right clamps down on the blade, catching his fingers between it and the handle.
"Shhhh" I whisper" if you make a sound you lose the fingers", i squeeze the blade until I feel bone, to underline my point.
Blood pours down his hand all but invisible in our corner of the dimly lit room.
"I'm going to let go in a couple of seconds. Then, you're going to stick your had in your pocket, walk outside and take a cab to the hospital.
If you do anything else, if you so much as stop to sneeze, i'will have you out of this building before anyone notices, and I'll leave you bleeding to death in an alley. " i keep my eye's locked to the bloodshot orbs of the addict, i take the knife, and for the briefest of seconds I see a flicker of defiance run through the man's eyes.
But he's smarter than he looks, and follows my request to the letter.
I left the wake a few minutes later, and find myself standing in Eli's apartment, half a buzz on, and the other half sitting on his tattered couch in the form of 6 40 oz bottles of Grey Snow malt liquor.
At first glance the place is a nightmarish horder's den. Boxes of erata stacked to the ceiling, every available surface holding some cup, knick knack or half repaired electronic, but all of this is just a facade, just something to throw off anyone that might want to start sniffing around, police, or otherwise.
But the place, really, is half armory half evidence locker. Organized via cypher, anything we felt we could use that we came across was here somewhere hidden among hundreds of warped records and fake dead cats.
At this point, you've probably asked yourself what the hell is it that I actually do. Let me clear that up as best I can.
If I'm being unbiased, there are 2 answers to this question.
The first, is that I'm a lunatic who slapped together an absurd moral arguement to take out his worst desires on other people. Then weaved a web of delusion around himself involving secret government agencies, serial killers, and a war vet.
Now, the second answer, is the one I'd prefer you to believe. And the one I tell myself every day is the truth.
I'm a guy who broke one day after seeing evidence of the worst type of crime. Who went to go out in a blaze of glory, ridding the world of one vile man, and ended up failing upwards, turning a handful of brutal, if deserved acts, into an urban legend who sits in the back of the minds of the worst people out there, making them question just how much of a reputation they can amass before coming face to face with me.
There's more to it than that, of course, but that's a whole other story.
The first part of the night goes quickly, getting rid of all the general crap Eli had amassed over the years. Just general old man junk, magazines from the 80's, expired canned food, medications he really should have been taking, nothing that required any thought to sort through.
So I drank, my mind wandering, my legs stumbling and my eyes crying as I dropped boxes of useless crap down the rusted garbage chute in the hallway.
When the last faded playboy and ball of rubber bands had been thrown away I was left with the real task ahead of me. The decade worth of what police would likely call "Evidence of serial murder.".
I'm dismantling a massive custom handgun using a cold welder and a hacksaw, when I'm hit with everything all at once.
I remember us laughing at how useless the thing was, the man wielding it was a bloodthirsty leader of a half gang half cult, but this tacticool nightmare was so impractical he didn't land a shot within 5 feet of me as I calmly sauntered up to him, and and stove in his skull with a lead cored lucite walking stick.
And that one brutal, stupid memory starts a flood of every negative emotion that has been brewing inside of me since I found his body, still in an armchair, taped re run of All in the Family still playing on the television.
I feel disconnected, surreal, i rock and shake, swearing, crying and raging at nothing in particular besides the series of bad luck and decisions that lead to this point.
Way in the back of my mind, I hear it, the voice, one of 2 actually. Whispering to me.
Mental health is at least as important as physical health when you spend your life doing shit that no decent person wants to do. That's why a handful of psych meds are as much a part of my equipment as any gun, knife, disguise or first aid item.
But ever since I gave up making people laugh and devoted my life to trying to make people safe there have been 2 little voices that no amount of abilify or Seroquel can touch. I call them Norman and the Boyscout. They don't talk to me, so much as I find my brain tuning into them from time to time. Personally, I think they are real people, out there somewhere, but I'm well aware that most scitzophrenics would say the same.
Norman, he's a dark scary piece of work. He knows how to stalk, lie, and feel like a million bucks while doing it.
The Boyscout, he might be crazier than I am. He talks like a golden age comics character meets a brain injury victim. But everything about combat i didn't learn from Eli, i learned from him.
I drown out Norman with more of the vaguely skunky tasting beer, and force myself to keep plugging away at the apartment.
Every item brings up a new memory, but one stands out among the rest. It's simple, an old cracked blackberry phone. It belonged to Doctor Alfred Grochowski, a man who I made sure never made it into any top ten serial killer lists. The bastard had a body count more like a disease than a man.
But originally, it wasn't him I was after.
The media called him the "Eighth Street Ogre.", stupid name for an average sized guy with almost no discernable features. His M. O was to find an isolated 24/7 party store, kill the clerk, steal the person's uniform, then proceede to brutalize a handful of customers through the course of the night before disappearing.
No video, only the odd witness from across a street, or deep in an alley. The exact type of scenario Eli and I loved to get involved in.
After weeks of dead ends and bad leads, either luck or skill lead to us finding the ogre, though not before he had decapitated the lone clerk in the comcally small bodega.And true to reports, he wasn't anyone obviously dangerous.
Short, with a wavy mop of dark hair obscuring his eyes, the only feature that stood out was his waxy almost feverish skin.
the store had 3 customer's jammed into it, likely violating a handful of fire codes. The rusted bell rings as i bring that number to four.
The orgre notices me, I notice the mangled body behind the counter.
Remember Sam talking about me being a birthday clown before? Well, she was being an asshole, but not totally off. Before all of this, I was a professional, registered, facepaint on an egg in Paris, clown. And to answer your question, yes the job prospects for that are exactly what you would assume, but it did leave me with a few skills.
One of which was the uniform I was wearing. A black and red tramps outfit, hanging off of my lanky form. It breaks every rule of the art of clowning, and is an eye straining disaster, just subtle enough to walk the streets in, just distracting enough to make someone wonder how much of a threat I could really be?
I hold the walking stick, 5 pounds of giveless lucite, and point it at the dead eyed man.
" We need to go outside and have a little..." i stop mid sentence, jaw just about hanging, the guy is half way across the tiny store before I register he moved.
I havn't even taken a step before he tackles a 50 year old man into a glass fronteted beer fridge. In an instant the floor is flooded with razor sharp shards and foaming liquid.
The other two patrons, a tall rough looking guy who I would have assumed was the scary one in the store and a young, drunk looking woman stare at the scene, immobile.
The ogre bludgeons, tears and slams his victim, never once pausing to pick up a weapon, or Adress any of the massive, yet barely bleeding cuts on his own body. I've seen every kind of killer, professional, talented amateur, rage, and every other color of the worthless psycho rainbow. But never someone who can turn a person into a mangled lump of flesh In a matter of minutes, using nothing but his bare hands.
The killer is silent, turning on me, and i wish i had came in with more than a stick and a knife. Walking around armed is risky, and i thought i was going to be dealing with some guy with sedatives and a lead pipe not... Whatever the hell the demon in front of me is.
The ogre lunges, i swing with the cane, demolishing his jaw, splitting it into a flapping, almost insect like looking mandible.
This should have killed the man, and if by some miracle that didn't happen, it should have turned his lights out in an instant, Ir left him bleeding to death from his face.
Drops of thick red blood slowly fall from the wound, but the dead eyed rage of the ogre doesn't skip a beat, he throws aside a cheap stell rack, stomping toward rough looking man.
Finally the two sheep tune into their situation and start to scramble out of the store, i run at the ogre trying to grab him, take him to the ground, i'm met with the stiffest elbow I've ever experienced directly between my eyes.
I'm on the ground dazed, and before I can shake the black spots from my vision he's on top of me.
Every blow feels like a cinder block, he wrenches my shoulder out of socket, i manage to draw my knife for all of about 2 seconds before he sends it flying across the store.
Sound goes dim, one of my eyes is swollen shut, and it's all I can do to put up one arm and try and gouge, tear and poke my way free of death.
None of this makes sense, the human body doesn't work like this, i see no technology, or even clever weapons on the guy. What i do see is no less than three wounds that should have killed him long before he started taking me apart.
I hear 4 loud pops, and feel blood hot enough to sald splash across my face. The ogre's chest sports 4 ragged, quarter sized wounds. Bad grouping, cheap ammo by the sounds of it, not Eli.
Finally the invincible bastard seems to notice a wound, getting to his feet, and stumbling almost drunkenly out of the store. The girl is gone, but i see the pig eyed, man standing, shaking, holding a pawn shop pistol and likely on the verge of a heart attack.
Eli copies and erases the security footage, the man wanted nothing to do with the cops, and i spend my time recuperating assuming that whoever the ogre was, he died a slow death after whatever the hell was on wore off. Bad grouping or not, four shots through the chest after everything else is three stooges leaves of body trauma.
My shoulder hadn't even stopped clicking before we began to see similar police reports and news segments.
And sure enough, a few weeks later I found myself staring and the same short, waxen, man, crimson stained hands pretending to sort lottery tickets.
This time I was wearing nothing more attention grabbing than a pair of blue jeans and a large hooded parka. The night was clear and I was hidden well, watching this human pipe bomb get ready to do his thing.
Sorry if it seems cold to watch someone murder a handful of people in a knock off 7-11, but in the real world, there are things you can fix and things you leave the hell alone. This situation was rapidly approaching 'leave the hell alone status'. Usually when this kind of thing happens Sam gives us a call, and at least a bit of reasoning, and we leave it alone. But neither her, nor anyone she had favors to call in from knew anything about the ogre.
Without the distraction of me trying and failing to put a stop to his rampage, the hunched, animalistic little man tore his victims apart at his leisure.
Long after he stalked off into the night, i made my way into the store, the bent steel, shattered wood, limbs torn from bodies, my first thought would be some kind of explosive, but i watched, as this place was nearly leveled, blow by blow, scream by scream.
So, that night Eli and I had ' The Talk'.
Eli, at one point was the type of guy who, when something was 'need to know', needed to know. He'd read the X-Files, and kept going to Y and Z, if you get what I'm saying.
But this, was the moment we both knew could happen, even if all evidence pointed toward it being bulls hit. The moment we find something actually paranormal.
Sounds stupid, i know, but when the evidence is dripping from the walls, things get a little hard to ignore.
So instead of hooking up with some scary guys selling scary guns, or maybe calling in a few friends in low places to even the odds I spent a month dealing with the most shit stuffed assholes on the face of the earth.
Psychics, cryptozoologists, ghost hunters, occultists, every word out of their mouths made my brain revolt, and every penny I gave them for their time made my soul cry, I knew even if I found one that got me on the other right track the other hundred were still con artists and horrible human beings.
I was convinced this had to be a vampire, nothing else really made sense, not that any option in the Woo Woo rainbow did, but this felt like the cleanest end of the turd to grab.
Eli was, ironically more of the mind this was a real urban legend, not some guy like me, using overactive imaginations to create a paper tiger, but some blight on the city, and spent his time trying to sort through creepypasta and psychotic ramblings.
The last time i was face to face with the ogre was in a massive, overnight grocery store, victims were plentiful, homeless folks looking for a warm place to be, shift workers getting frozen food, and all the other assorted misfits who frequent vendors in the wee hours of the morning.
He was pushing a mop, haphazardly across the canned food isle, but i watched him as he stared at his prey, his body twitching in anticipation of violence and bloodshed.
I'm wearing a leather jacket thick enough to stop a bullet, and while I could be just another face in the crowd, every stitch of clothing I wear is reenforced, or holding one of the handful of occult 'weapons' I brought with me.
I'm almost disapointed when he doesn't seem to recognise me, giving me no more of a look than any of the victims milling about the store.
My hand untwists the vial of the bottle of holy water, i stopper it with my thumb as I close the distance between us. I'm close enough to smeel an ammonia reek coming off of him, like urine and sweat in competing excess amounts, as I pull the bottle from my pocket, splashing it in the creatures face.
He recoils, stumbling backward, and i smile as I realise this fight is going to go a lot different than the first.
I shouldn't have smiled.
He was shocked, and stumbled backward, wiping at his face, because, well, that's what anyone would do when someone splashes an unknown liquid in their eyes.
No smoke, no hissing, no half melted walking corpse, just a wet, angry man shaped thing holding a broken mop handle like a dagger.
Can you guess what effect the silver bullets had?
Anyone think garlic worked?
And for extra credit, who can answer if a cross did anything to even slow the ogre?
Anyone who the questions positively has not been paying attention.
It was the worst beating I had taken, and handed to me by a guy using nothing more dangerous than his own flesh bare hands. To add insult to injury, he casually extinguished life after life as he did it.
Thrown ten feet through a plate glass window, saved only by the tattered remains of leather and steel from my outfit, i crawl through the parking lot. I roll onto my back, watching the oger walk through the window, heedless of the shards of glass tearing strip from his legs.
I can't do anything but try and breathe as the creature walks over to me, pausing a moment to take in the broken man below him.
I don't close my eyes, i want to see what fate this thing has in store for me. Eli has to be watching, maybe whatever it does will give him some kind of clue as to how to take it out.
I take what I assume is going to be my last breath as the Ogre falls upon me, but before I feel those steel fingers tearing into me half of the things head evaporates, I honestly expect the wound to repair itself, of the Ogre to keep going, heedless of the wound, but he drops, lifelessly as I'm sprayed with what used to be his grey matter.
I look in the direction of the gunshot, and there stands Eli, holding the largest handgun I've seen to date. On the ground below him, is a tall man in his mid 50's who would be photogenic if not for the severe facial bruising somehow caused by my octogenarian partner.
Dr. Grochowski, not that I knew that at the time.
He fixes me with a cold stare that tells me that if there wasn't the barrel of an elephant pistol aimed at his head, he wouldn't be going quietly.
He should have taken the chance Eli was as blind as he looks.
We took him to a warehouse Eli rents, worst lot in the worst block in the city. But the soundproof room worked for times when we needed to ask questions people didn't want to answer.
The good doctor didn't start talking until a week in, long past the point of pulling fingernails and keeping him up for days. It wasn't until I started in on his hands that he finally opened his corpse like lips.
In a world that wasn't hell bent on being a tragic joke, Dr. G would have been the kind of guy to cure cancer, or invent an artificial heart. But instead this once in a century genius saw that as below him.
The good Doctor wanted to make monsters.
But after decades of trial and error, he found something medical science won't fully understand fot another 50 years or so.
The exact limits of the human body.
This depressed the lovecraft hero wannabe as he realised his dreams of an army of uber mensch were not, nor ever could be attained. Monsters don't exist and they certainly can't be made.
So he set his sites lower, if he couldn't create monsters, he wanted to create a legend.
When we found the old farmhouse he had been using to store and mutilate his victims, that's when i stopped feeling bad for taking pieces of the man. Human beings, packed together, dead from starvation and exposure, treated with no more concern than a forgotten jar of tadpoles.
I wasn't fighting a single bullet proof, steel muscled monster.
Each ogre was a victim, made identical to the last by what may be the most skilled surgeon on earth, and pumped full of a cocktail of drugs that are a guarented death spent in a lobotomised haze,
He promised them freedom for a set amount of kills in the store, giving their slowly shutting down brain one goal to focus on till strokes, broken bones and incidental trauma left them as much a mangled corpse as their victims.
He seemed so proud to say he "cracked the twenty minute mark", in regards to survival time. I don't like to think of myself as someone who likes the violence I have to commit, but I took the man's eye for that remark.
We whittled that man down to a sightless torso to gain every bit of medical knowledge inside that twisted mind of his. I lost a bit of my soul doing what I did to him, but what we learned was a true torch in the darkness, showed us we didn't live in a world of monsters, the universe is ran by logic and reason, easy to understand once you know the rules.
I box the last of the useful items, and turn the last grenade into unidentifiable scrap. I grab a box to go back to my apartment, files, and a few dubiously useful firearms and explosives. And think of how two grown men, well versed in just how surreal the world can be still went full medieval peasent the second their worldview was questioned.
And questioning your worldview is where this story truly starts kids.
What, you thought this was going to be a story about a group of cut rate superheroes bonding over tragedy and saving the world one last time?
Fuck no.
First, as a story, that one has been told to death.
Second, as an event, it doesn't usually go that way. Tragedy, more often than not, is a wedge that gives people the excuse to part, versus the kind of relationship superglue media would have you believe.
No, I'm no hero, and I sure as hell am in no way super.
This story starts as that door closes behind me, and I notice I'm standing in a building that I've never seen, wearing clothes I've never owned, and holding not a box of of disturbing facts and violence, but a bag of groceries, and a set of keys.
My story starts in a city that calls itself New York, but bears little resemblance to the metropolis I've spent my life in. In a place that's two steps off of normal, streets with different names, landmarks with different histories, a place with plenty of dark corners containing things i couldn't dream of, a place of dangerous whispers and, Hollow Promises.
submitted by HughEhhoule to cryosleep [link] [comments]

2022.10.15 03:17 Trash_Butterfly Wondering if Abilify can cause precocious puberty

This may be a sensitive topic for some individuals.
When I was seven my doctor at the time thought it would help to put me on Abilify. Within just six weeks I went from a normal seven year old to suddenly developing breasts, hips, hair, and periods. My mother was terrified, no parent should ever have to experience what my mother did.
When I was taken for a checkup my doctor told my mother ”It was not Abilify” and that “It was tested.” to which my mother responded with “On whom? It is illegal to test on children so the side effects on children cannot be known. There‘s your test subject on the table.” At first he was completely insistent that Abilify did not cause precocious puberty. When he and my mother spoke again he told her that he was on the fence on if Abilify caused precocious puberty or not. I don't blame him for what happened because he had no idea it would happen and it is not like he was the one who came up with the medication itself. I have respect for someone who can admit that they are unsure as I see it is a willingness to question and learn.
While I am still currently unsure if this was caused by it due to lack of research, ever since my period started at seven I have had horrible pmdd. At the time due to pmdd being so unknown my mother and doctors thought I was just too young to handle the hormones my body was suddenly making. Due to this the decision was made to put me on birth control shots up until I was twelve in hopes I would be old enough then to ”naturally develop”. Unfortunately, my symptoms started up again instantly once I was off the birth control shots and it was only when I was in grade ten did I hear about pmdd from the school social worker. Given I was focused on school and our current family doctor had retired (different doctor than the one that put me on Abilify.) it was not my main focus to get properly diagnosed. It wasn't until recently at eighteen I was able to get a proper diagnosis for pmdd from our current family doctor.
I would not wish precocious puberty nor pmdd on anyone it is literal hell.
I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this sort of issue?
submitted by Trash_Butterfly to Antipsychiatry [link] [comments]

2022.10.15 02:37 Trash_Butterfly Can medication induced precocious puberty cause pmdd?

This may be a sensitive topic for some individuals.
When I was seven my doctor at the time thought it would help to put me on Abilify. Within just six weeks I went from a normal seven year old to suddenly developing breasts, hips, hair, and periods. My mother was terrified, no parent should ever have to experience what my mother did.
When I was taken for a checkup my doctor told my mother ”It was not Abilify” and that “It was tested.” to which my mother responded with “On whom? It is illegal to test on children so the side effects on children cannot be known. There‘s your test subject on the table.” At first he was completely insistent that Abilify did not cause precocious puberty. When he and my mother spoke again he told her that he was on the fence on if Abilify caused precocious puberty or not. I don't blame him for what happened because he had no idea it would happen and it is not like he was the one who came up with the medication itself. I have respect for someone who can admit that they are unsure as I see it is a willingness to question and learn.
While I am still currently unsure if this was caused by it due to lack of research, ever since my period started at seven I have had horrible pmdd. At the time due to pmdd being so unknown my mother and doctors thought I was just too young to handle the hormones my body was suddenly making. Due to this the decision was made to put me on birth control shots up until I was twelve in hopes I would be old enough then to ”naturally develop”. Unfortunately, my symptoms started up again instantly once I was off the birth control shots and it was only when I was in grade ten did I hear about pmdd from the school social worker. Given I was focused on school and our current family doctor had retired (different doctor than the one that put me on Abilify.) it was not my main focus to get properly diagnosed. It wasn't until recently at eighteen I was able to get a proper diagnosis for pmdd from our current family doctor.
I would not wish precocious puberty nor pmdd on anyone it is literal hell.
submitted by Trash_Butterfly to PMDD [link] [comments]

2022.06.19 10:58 MLG_JETFUEL My experiences.

I'm an artist. I play guitar. I've jammed with plenty of people. I used to do graffiti. Now I'm taking art classes.
​
That being said, I've been to the psych ward three times. (I've been hospitalized more than six times.) The first time was because of sleep deprivation and cannabis. I was a minor at the time. It began the night prior to the incident. I was coming home from work and smoking. I called my dad while driving and stoned, and he immediately feared for my safety as I was expressing my confidence in being so honest to him. I recalled driving past my house, doing a U turn, flipping him off, then driving to a friends house. I wanted to smoke more. I remember returning home after my father had staked out my friends house for hours outside, following me home a whole two blocks.
​
After I pulled up to the driveway, I remember locking the car door. I didn't want him to exert any more authority upon me. I vividly remember calling him Joseph, in a context to Jesus's father, and him yelling "NO, NO NO" in the driveway at me. He was slamming my car window. I was defiant. I didn't unlock the car until hours later, when he went up to bed, and after doing so, I unlocked the car, wandering the night, writing stream of consciousness notes in my phone until morning. I felt like a real transcendentalist, and in only that night, I felt as though years and decades could pass in those few hours.
​
​
Eventually, I returned home. I remember being tired that day and out of it after coming clean to my father about my marijuana usage. At the time, I just felt bold to speak open and honestly about my usage. I even asked if he wanted to try some-- he never shared with me any experience of his own. He found that my offer convinced him on a deeper level that my confidence was psychotic or manic. After taking the marijuana cartridge from me, he told me I should sleep. After tossing and turning, I climbed down my balcony ( I was an avid rock climber at the time) and tried talking to my dad. He in turn called the police on me and that was when I landed my first 5150. My father contributed to the worry of my mental state claiming my cartridge was fake, and I was detained in a police car after refusing to tell the police my middle name. I would describe my psyche as this: I was only perturbed, annoyed, tentative, yet talkative. I had no ill intent to myself or others. I felt playful--like responding to some questions and not to others. I was having a real social insight acting so flagrant.
​
But I did not feel convinced nor do I to this day feel that this flagrance of character justified being tied down or medicated. My feelings are woodchips anyways. Yes, I've seen therapists.
​
My first 5150 was not terrible. I was 5250'd for refusing meds.
I remember taking the 5250 to court. I wrote the judge a letter about my mental state, and how I really didn't have a problem. I never received any solace for trying, but I did make it important to myself to try. You really never win these.
My dad gave me plenty of books to read, because he believed I probably just needed something to do, a sense of quiet somewhere away from busyness to learn. I don't remember taking medication that time, but I remember that the kids were interesting. He gave me "On the Road" and "Start with Why." They were great.
​
About 9 months pass.
My second 5150 seems less innocent I'm sure. At this point, my father and mother split up, and I was living with my dad in his condo. My mother lived about 10 blocks away. I was trying to understand more about consciousness, by talking about it. Recklessly talking about miracle saints in India.
You can see where this goes.
I tried talking to my dad about consciousness and the love of God a lot more than he was willing to respond I supposed. He did something very insulting that I am still hurt by. He recorded me talking and stared at me. Like a pompous loser cunt.
​
Can you express to me how a truly delusional person should feel about being recorded while they talked? It was every boundary of confiding trust lost. Believe that I was truly delusional in this situation, because I was delusional in believing I could explore talking to my dad in any different way at all. Obviously, evidence speaks for itself.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him, and you're right to believe that. Maybe the audio evidence he recorded is concerning; I'm losing direction in my life. Maybe I'm thinking out loud too much. But you have to be right--he's obviously concerned, but he's unconcerned with what I'm saying. That wouldn't be frustrating to anybody, or at least slightly demeaning would it? Of course my opinion is obvious. My sarcasm feels way too extreme. The audio would speak for itself. I'd arguably believe that I myself would admit some lapse in thought. But I wanted to imagine what lecturing would feel like. Being a professor who explained the abstract concepts of life was something alluring at the time. I thought trying to do so unknowingly to my dad wasn't a terrible experiment.
​
Thinking about this lets me conclude one thing. He made me afraid of talking too much.
Everything someone expresses is the expression of the way they feel. I wasn't exhibiting feelings of violence, hate, malice, or mania. I just wanted to think out loud about consciousness.
​
To this day, I trust catholic priests in confession more than I trust my own father with how I feel, and more than how I filter speech. Freedom of speech right? How about reckless talking? Does that justify psychosis enough?
​
I remember continuing to speak, irked by his betrayal.
It wasn't "you've talked long enough."
It wasn't "that's enough for me kid" with the laugh that my grandfather has when I explain a topic too abstractly for him.
It was his convinced, silent, hurtful way of expressing that I'm so crazy I should just be recorded and judged. He didn't play it back to me. He just got on his phone and silently called the police and a mental health ambulance.
​
I remember the police arriving as I was reading out loud the last pages of "On the Road." It was the line that invoked Jesus's name when I was called outside to sit with police men by a tree. I really detest the way these police officers acted. They talked playfully and imaginatively, joking about numerous things in the way they conducted their job.
​
It felt dishonest because they weren't giving any analysis on my mental state, the domestic situation with my dad, or my proclivity to harm myself or others. They were just sitting me out, telling me they'd let me go and I wasn't under arrest.
​
The ambulance woman my father was talking to up the street was getting an earful of my past behaviors already.
(These stories probably include: How I've taken too much acid before, how I've taken too many shrooms before and expressed a fear to my dad in the night of the inescapable future.)
They strapped me in for the modern monastery again. Anyways, I was taken away. I was 5150'd. After having medication the first time, I learned that my submission to it didn't teach me anything. I was then 5250'd as a court order for refusing medication again. I took medication and was on Abilify for a couple certain months.
​
Another thing. Doctors don't expect any metric of results to happen from people taking medication. They don't measure your success with the drug as much as they notice your peaceful disagreeability in refusing a chemical written with your name on it by a judge that really doesn't know much about you.
​
​
About 2 years pass,
I was alone in Long Beach. I was returning home to Orange County after spending four months homeless in Santa Monica and Beverly Hills. I'd been writing poetry, drawing, and reading and annotating the Bible everyday. I prayed the rosary everyday now that I can attend mass on Sundays. I keep myself busy. I never tried to find street drugs, but I did come upon rolling papers for cigarettes and a couple dead drops of weed (2-3grams each in a glass jar in a trash can and more in a ziplock and on a brick wall next to a house fence garden entrance). I also found a quarter filled and charged dab cartridge just walking the road the night prior to deciding to leave LA and head home. I was already leaving town at that point. I didn't take any drugs worse than Robitussin that entire period of time.
​
So, I am alone in Long Beach. I lose my weed. Disappointed in my only source of entertainment for my walk to come, I climbed the roof of a donut shop and sat on the edge. It's only as high as a McDonald's building. I'm praying and thinking while watching the traffic.
​
Police show up. Talking to me normally, they ask me to come down. They then arrest me and don't listen to me telling them I left my other bag across the street. My fucking clothes, man. My blanket. I end up at the psych ward.
​
If you are ever homeless, an experience I seriously recommend for anyone wanting to understand poverty, you have to really just give shit up. If you sleep in a nice place that's not a tent, like an upside down couch on a rug in a lot, expect to find someone else sleeping there. Being depraved is good. It's not like I paid for the stuff I had. I survived, I was hardened. Now that I have returned to the sheltered life, I do not have trouble seeing the appreciation of my things the way I used to overlook them. Being depraved is good.
​
Anyways, back to my third 5150. This was my worst experience in the psych ward. I refuse medication for the first couple days. I read the Gideon New Testament. I even finished it in there with annotations. I don't provoke anyone.
​
​
This asian woman was starting to bother me. She kept coming on to me, but I kept getting this *way* too lonely vibe from her. It wasn't annoying, it was fearfully bothersome. It made meals painful because I'd lose my appetite when she touched me. It was disrespect and attraction at the same time. She would not listen to me.
​
Anyways, I was still refusing medication. In the end, the nurses are really just conflicted with my refusal because of how normal it is to medicate the patients. These practices are dangerously normal to them. They kept threatening me with Haldol injection. Like I was a bad dog. I was sitting on a roof and ended up here, how crazily should I really think about this? I was 19 years old man.
​
Of course, they eventually restrained me with guards for refusing enough times, they shot me up into docility, the same way it happened to my roommate a couple hours prior.
Guy he was.
He was named Austin. He was willingly taking the medication everyday, telling me we were going to be roommates in Las Vegas, he worked for the CIA, Jesus Christ was a schizophrenic cave dwelling author of the Bible, and how the nurses staffed were racially profiling him. He felt as if he was going down for social justice, those racist nurses. He tried to pick a fight with a chubbier guy, under the belief that he was being bullied for his skinniness. He got restrained and booty juice'd for that.
Once I felt the injected Haldol in my brain as I turned over from the booty shot, I felt such a deep sense of fear. A Truly crushing fear. A recurring fear of yourself being alone after reading the bible for too long. Your mind is filled with flames. It's the type of fear that you could imagine happens to a sexually abused person. They aren't afraid of being touched, they are afraid of feeling nothing about wanting to be touched ever again. They'd fear they won't end up with anyone else in the world, and they'd only have their abuser for company.
Fear of asexuality. Fear that boners don't work anymore. Fear that comes with wanting to be attracted to people again, but feeling no instinct to be that way.
It's how you feel no way at all that scares you. It's how you deeply want to fling yourself to at least a humiliating level of knowing someone else.
A Truly crushing fear. A recurring fear of yourself being alone after reading the bible for too long.
Fear of Asexuality.
Fear of actually becoming, believing yourself sinless, and wanting less loneliness as if that's all you want.
This experience, no matter how debilitating, allows me to grow into a better person. I give nothing to the injustices of my life. I am given everything from its grace.
I actually remember leaving my bedroom out of fear and joining the other patients in the mess hall. I sat across from the same asian lady I was terrified of. She really wasn't terrifying, she was innocent and cute. Still older than me though. I realized I was only terrified of socializing my sexuality. I remember playing footsie with her, and how she made me smile like I was coming out of puberty.
(still makes me cringe 2 out of 5 times reading it believe me)
Sometimes I confuse my fear of this moment to where I've made it in my life. It was the same pressure that pushed me into hating status. The Haldol made me care about how other people thought in a weird instinctually lonely type of way.
Dude I was restrained and given antipsychotic. That must mean something about how crazy I must be or must appear. I was judged as mentally unfit as all of the rest of these people, even though I never acted out to the police defiantly. I saw through all of my beliefs and fell into a state of hellish nothingness I was unfamiliar with. Usually nothingness was a blissful state.
​
I don't hold this fear at all since then. It was good to revisit this. At the time I believed I was exploring life with the economic means I had (none). I definitely feel more developed now. Being depraved is good.
I was so debilitated with how I'd been teaching myself religion my entire life alone, even though it led me to deeper introspective practices. Religion made me so resistant to any sexually involved conversation with people I had caveats with. I can only imagine now how awkward and weak women feel denying men's feelings as well.
Overcoming adversity. That's what it's about. Even the medication. Everything comes together. The drugs go well with the book you're reading. Don't believe your worrying self; it's better to be in denial until you are really afraid. It's better to watch your personality crumble into its prepubescent state of weakness while totally afraid rather than avoiding it.
​
I applaud myself for avoiding the medication to this day. I wouldn't have such an insight into facing fear unless I had been so adverse.
If I went about being medicated flagrantly, I'd have nothing to learn.
With medication, it's really about intention. I knew I really had to know what it would feel like to keep denying somebody in the face of the easier way out my entire life before going into anything with open arms again. That way I'd never regret a possibility I didn't attempt.
I "stayed" (unfit to be homeless--forced into a Board & Care) for three months. 5250'd for three months.
​
I hate the psych ward. I hate being falsely diagnosed psychotic even more.
Not because of the people, but because you have to be there with the patience of not being anywhere else. As someone who had wandered the entirety of Los Angeles County, (+600 miles in 3 months homeless) I learned cabin fever is the only real psychological bullshit detox. I never enjoy going there.
Yes, life is hard. But is being stuck somewhere on a waitlist with drugs you don't trust everyday that bad? No, but it only gets worse when you know people barely believe what you say. You're as crazy as they come.
I wish they had more books.
​
I know I've forgotten something. Just writing this to admit my sanity.
I liked writing this though. Thanks for reading. Cheers & Blessings.
submitted by MLG_JETFUEL to PsychWardChronicles [link] [comments]

2022.03.05 05:14 haplesspigeongirl My Emom is Changing?

I’m new to Reddit and this is my first post ever, please be understanding if I commit a faux pas :). I know this is long winded but there is so much I’m having trouble processing about the situation and I just don’t know what to do.
So for context my (17F) parents are two immigrants in America who were raised in impoverished slums in the Philippines and who have worked very hard (at least my mother) to get to where they are today. I am also BP and ADHD, and have been exhibiting symptoms since prepubescence to the extent that others noticed my behavior (pediatrician, despite requiring court intervention to get me treatment at 16). Though I’ve always been at odds with my parents, the true dynamics of their relationship, motivations, methods, etc. are becoming clearer to me now? And I’m afraid that I’m becoming soft on my Emom to the detriment of future plans to escape.
The current issue I’m having with my parents is not at all new. My Ndad and I have always had a particularly “intense” relationship, and my older sister (20F) and mother have a history of siccing him on me because I was unresponsive to their attempts to control me. But recently I think my mother could see what I saw of Ndad and his cruelty.
Months ago, my mother and I had a spat that resulted in her getting my psychiatrist to double my dose of prescription antipsychotics from 5mg of Abilify to 10mg (which I had already complained about making me feel numb and a shell of myself) and I couldn’t stand the idea of losing myself even more. I am prescribed Abilify, or rather the generic aripiprazole, but I don’t take it for that reason. My medication is a massive point of contention between us and I didn’t want them to find out I wasn’t taking the drug that made me so “pleasant.”
To hide this noncompliance, I tossed some of the pills in the trash along with a negative pregnancy test (I was nauseous from my period actually), tied off the bag and deposited it in the outside garbage area beneath the porch. I forgot about it and tried to let the anxiety go about the whole operation, but on the day of the incident, I asked my parents if I could go out with my friend (17M) to get breakfast around 8 am cuz he had work at 10. My mom had this weird look on her face when I asked her and then she told me to ask my dad and so on. Cut to like 15 minutes later and a conversation I was intentionally made aware of but not privy to prior to the confrontation, they came down to the basement (where they had me sitting alone for that waiting period). My dad had this weird like, excited look on his face. It was creeping me out especially when he asked me what I wanted to tell them. I denied any knowledge of course because I thought I’d flown under the radar cuz that trash was literally weeks old at this point.
Surprise! I can’t remember exactly how it happened but it went something like, then how do you explain the XANAX we found in your room?! Of course I was incredulous. I don’t do any drugs recreationally, even marijuana, because I struggle with feeling out of control sober, why would I seek something out that is guaranteed to remove what little autonomy I do have? So they proceed to show me their “evidence” which is a little white pill that says ARI on the front and 10 on the back. That is my Abilify. That I am prescribed. That my mother made me increase the dosage of.
I’m shocked first of all to their conclusion that I was doing drugs and that their first thought wasn’t, hey do I know what the miracle zombie pills my daughter takes look like? But most of all I was just like shocked (but not surprised) with Ndad’s behavior. He has always been cruel to me but in this incident he was outright laughing and smiling and telling me that he was gonna tell my therapist, my psychiatrist, the police, the student assistance coordinator at my school, God and everyone pretty much, that I was addicted to Xanax (of all things! I just had to google why people might take it recreationally because I literally have no interest in that!) and that I would be going to prison or the streets and I was going to have nothing. This of course, made me cry hysterically and scream at him for his cruelty and enjoyment and when he got in my face for like the third time, looming over me and screaming with like flecks of saliva spewing on me, my mom finally broke her silence and told my dad to calm down. He wouldn’t, so she tried to physically make him sit down and stop yelling- no hitting, just trying to use her much, much smaller frame to push 300 pounds of oversized Napoleon down. He got so angry with HER not allowing him to bully me that they literally still aren’t talking. It’s been two weeks.
This week on Wednesday (today is Friday) my mom let me stay at home so I could work on scholarship stuff for college cuz I’m going away and she knows that. I’d been avoiding both of them at this point because I’m really really trying to just keep my eye on the prize and get out, but she insisted that we talk and forced her way into my room. The conversation itself was really heavy but I let her know the stuff I’d been thinking about for a long time. She was crying but it wasn’t the exaggerated wobbly stuff she did for my psych to increase my dose, or to curry sympathy from my Ndad, but it was like quiet and hurting. She has been giving me little plates of food and drink lately because I leave my room even less these days, and trying to check up on me.
I’m sort of used to that mothering song and dance that happens when she feels guilty about what’s “happened” to me. But for some reason it just hit a lot harder that night. After it was all blown over and she stormed out cuz I wouldn’t let her excuse herself or my father, I cried for a very long time.
The morning of the day after that, she and I accidentally caught each other at the kitchen island and she threatened to tell my boyfriend’s parents “about me.” I called her out for trying to use other people to make me miserable cuz it’s over. There’s nothing else she can say to me now that will excuse the bad behavior I’ve endured at the hands of my parents can say or do now that’s going to make me change my mind. She said she would do anything she could possibly do to keep me from leaving and I just stopped engaging with her after that. Crying so much in so few days costs weeks in emotional burnout. Then just tonight when I was supposed to go to church but was instead eating the first sit-down, home-cooked meal I’d had in a week (my father, in his compulsory silence has taken to spending unnatural amounts of time in the kitchen/dining room), she tried to get me to go to youth group and we came to blows again. She acknowledged her willingness to do anything that would prevent me from leaving house. I was cried out for the week so I couldn’t do more than reply in monotone that there wasn’t anymore point in fighting. No one was going to change and her nonstop fasting and working wasn’t going to change the fact that God isn’t gonna repair our relationship and that no amount of money would be worth more than my life to me. She broke down and told me she’s tired of me and Ndad. She’d be fasting for like 25 days about me, asking God to heal our family, and working crazy hours to keep saving money for me to go to college local, and stuff about obligations to break promises of confidentiality with me etc., etc. But in that moment, and in the ongoing overripe spot that I have been dealing with lately what with the reality of escape that I’ve used as my reason to live for the past 7-8 years, I actually saw her as my mom. I’ve always admired her and her commitment and dedication to a lot of stuff but she’s always been a figure that was aligned with Ndad and therefore evil too. But she told me that they’d agreed that he’d stop talking to me and that she’d do all the talking instead cuz I’ve made it clear that I don’t have any fondness toward him at all.
I’m feeling really confused and nervous about these new feelings I’m having about my mom. I was originally planning on going NC with my parents when I left but I feel like my mom is just being held back by Ndad. After all, he was the one with the means to get them into America and start the family and lifestyle that she had idealized in her impoverished childhood. I see where her motives lie, but I also can’t excuse what she has done, continues to do, and tries to excuse for herself. I don’t wanna get ahead of myself and start thinking of ways to reintroduce her into my life when I’m on my own, but I’ve always wanted a mom. The timeline for this shift in my mom is probably spurred on by the realization that one of her kids is definitely leaving her, and she doesn’t have more time to fix what’s broken like she thought, or nearly as much power to do so either, but I just hate suffering of any kind and I want to reassure her that I want her in my life (which, I'm not sure I do). But I don’t know how to reconcile the past outright-malicious woman I knew with this woman, even though this woman still has a long ways to go. It’s not like she has much of a choice to put up with Ndad: she’s a devout Christian, Ndad is a pastor, and they preach about the submission of wives and children to the husband. Aughhh so confusing!
tl:dr, my Emom is starting to take action against Ndad’s cruelty and be affectionate/protective, but it feels like too little too late as I’m going away to college soon.
I'm not sure how I should proceed, any advice or perspective is much appreciated :)!
submitted by haplesspigeongirl to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]

2022.01.18 12:34 courts1212 My fight in the mental health institution, false diagnosis's, unlawful actions and defamation of character.

Introduction
My letter of complaint, to the tamarind center, Royal Darwin Hospital (RDH), NT police and head of Psychiatry DR. R PARKER. I’m demanding a portfolio, a written investigations into my case, this falls under a civil rights matter and needs to be dealt with promptly. I am taking further actions to the supreme court and complaints will be made to the commissioner’s government system and my complaint will be forwarded to independent bodies as well.
What others have told me about their forceful treatment, that I couldn’t fathom to believe. Is now happening to me, for the past 8 weeks I have been abused within the government system and people closely engaged in my case, have discriminated against myself because I am a “unwell” patient, regardless of me being in a state of being “unwell” I still need to be treated as such with dignity, respect and listened too.
I have experienced for myself, the corruption, within the politics is horrendous and inhumane to a person’s lively hood. In an urgent matter such as myself, I have been placed under an order and comply to the regulations, regardless of my health concerns. where I have been forced immediate attention and now that I follow guides and regulations, my urgency of care is now being delayed and ignored.
Regardless of all my unfortunate troubles I have remained stern and strong among the system of the corruption and will do everything within my power to do something about mine and others mistreatment within the mental health/ health and government systems. This is not what you call a democracy.
These are my complaints and concerns during my whole ordeal, please read on.
Diagnosis
From what I know and can remember about my diagnosis, my diagnosis is schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder. But here is a brief overview of my past encounters with the mental health sector in regard to my formal diagnosis.
From what I have been told, it has been very confusing to know what disorder I have, regarding my mental health status. I’m being told on different occasions I have schizophrenia and on other times, it’s schizophreniform/schizoaffective disorder.
I, myself having to live with this mix-up from professionals in my team and receiving misleading information about my misdiagnosis and to receive the wrong care in a medical sense has been very debilitating throughout my life in the past 2 years of being the outpatient.
This is obviously very alarming to have made more sense of my situation, in my case and future dealings with the corrupt system of how the government is operating. Here is a brief overview of my case.
It was the year, mid 2019 when I first became aware of my mental break down and admitted myself voluntarily to seek support, from the referral of my DR. from the Tiwi medical center, to seek support from the tamarind center. Among my first admission into the Cowardy facility, my stay lasted almost 3 months and I was cared for and attended too. I remember knowing what was going on with my mental health distortion, everyone knew my story, DR’s. were in awe of my insight into what was happening to my mind, I can explain in a practical manner in order for others to understand through analogies, to see what goes on in my thought process.
Upon my stay in the facility, I got the care I needed and made sure I was cared for appropriately. I cooperated and did not have any problems with the facility. When released, my first appointment at the tamarind center. I was greeted and met with a new DR. who was a white woman, only for her to declare my formal diagnosis of schizophrenia, when in the space of 1 or 2 weeks before I was told I had a different diagnosis on 2 occasions, and this has been appalling for me to realize. I thought I was in a place of trust and feel betrayed by the system.
Rights as a voluntary/ involuntary patient
From the very beginning of my voluntary admission as a voluntary patient, my rights were never given, or provided to myself in proper etiquette. I was told I could have the ability to withdraw myself from the mental health community, but I was coerced by my social worker Peta Fausey to stay in the system of the mental health sector. These are the complaints I am bringing back to light towards my unprofessional, untrustworthy team and the mental health/ health government system, that is somewhat governed by ROB PARKER.
The unlawful, illegal decisions, made with my case to make myself an involuntary patient, again my rights were never spoken to me in a proper manner, whether it be with my social team and upon the police arrival and this is alarming for me. I was emotionally manipulated and taken advantage of, because the system deemed me as “unwell” an unsuitable person in the society and towards myself, which is very wrong I still require and demand the dignity/ respect regardless of my mental health status that deemed myself to society as “unfit”.
Criminal/ Warrants
I had 3 warrants issued for my arrest by DR. R Parker, but, covered up to make me think it was DR. Rajiv, who gave unlawful consent to apply for the warrants to be processed, that did not apply to me from the very start because of how the system of everything has unlawfully operated, from my first voluntary admission. These warrants will never apply to myself, because upon every assessment done, I was not deemed a threat, “unfit” or “unwell” among the community, I am a mother who is of very sound mind.
Although these warrants do not apply to me, they are now my property because my name is broadcasted on the papers, I have every right to verbally request to read the warrants for my arrest. But I was told misleading information and refused to look at my personal papers ordered against myself from DR. R Parker.
The warrants made me a criminal in the system and so my confidential information has been spread through to other government bodies in the Northern Territory and therefore I could not receive any assistance, blacklisted in every government funded facility and told to go private for an assessment, this was so very wrong for a person in an URGENT position. Who the department deemed “unwell” and a threat to society/ community, I needed URGENT help and it was not available to me?
3 warrants to my name and its unexplainably hard to request these warrants through a request of information, helped by the community visitor program and still nothing to be given upon official request. It is hard to fathom the malicious reasoning for all of these ill intentions towards me, on these referrals.
I know all 3 warrants have been issued by DR. R parker and I know it is getting covered up by DR. RAJIV. This right here is a criminal act because all of this escalated from an official, unlawful assessment done by a “social worker”, a messenger, who has NO AUTHORITY, jurisdiction what’s so ever on this type of matter, Peta Fausey is not a qualified physician, DR. for this to be to her duty in making assessments or acting improperly because of an order made by the head of psychiatry.
Police
The NT police have been nothing but agitators when dealing with my case and would not let me read my warrants, that are rightfully my property, that is my information and I have every right to request upon verbal demand, the government are liable for delay and neglect in hiding my information from me.
This needs to be clarified in writing, about the ill intent to purposely hide my information and I am demanding a written apology and I want to know their malicious intent towards myself in writing from the department commissioner and the officers who refused to show my information and didn’t engage in a respectful manner towards me.
I deserve to know why and get accurate, proper, answers for the reasoning behind all of this and I demand everything come to light, that’s the respect and dignity I deserve.
Communication
I am very well aware of coercive abuse and all the manipulation tactics behind everything they do and have done, I was coerced by my social worker Peta, to stay in the mental health for the rest of my life, even if I had to be on the smallest dose for the rest of my days. With her professional knowing, as a social worker, I was a voluntary patient and knew I could withdraw from the Mental health system.
The miscommunication, unprofessional works between myself and “my team” have been really and very inadequate, unreliable from the start of the 2 years. I know within myself what is right and wrong with in the legal system of the government. These complaints I have about the communication breakdown from the DR’s. team, the tamarind center, are maliciously wrong towards me and other patients the department deems “unwell” through their government.
Assessments I know have to be done with a patient present in the room with a qualified DR. During the downfall of my mental health, according to health professionals associated with my team and case. My assessments were done without me being there, they were done in secret; deliberations or scheming for better words, when I have been admitted at the RDH. I was Waiting in the Ambulant area while having to wait and be told an assessment was taking place without me being present and I know that is wrong to be doing that in the first place.
My rights were never given to myself upon arrival of the mental health team at the tamarind centre or the arrival of the NT police, it almost seemed like one officer was an agitator in my instance. This officer who would not and just refuse to hand me my warrants, did not even cross their minds to verbally express my god given rights to myself, or to have the ability to wait upon legal representation? I have shown a sound mind, to represent myself with out legal representation available.
The communication towards myself has been horrible. I have been spoken to in a manner in which manipulates the mind of the vulnerable “unwell” person, deemed a threat to society in an unlawful, unjust system of how they manipulate the system and claim to be just in the eyes of the laws.
I am being purposely lied to, spoken in a manner to be coerced and manipulated in front of people. Spoken to, to be humiliated and feel the humiliation of being spoken down to by authority and on numerous occasions a haughty nature. These actions that made me assertive and defensive with my words, I am perfectly within my right to defend myself because I am not a commodity to the government system who have no jurisdiction on me because we live in a democracy.
Being giving false information, by people closely involved in my case. I have been misguided, misled and this is a crime and does not in any way support or help me as a patient in the mental health act. I am the consumer, you are working to support me and obey to my decisions whether you like them or not, or at least come to a mutual agreement, in my medical/ rehabilitation support or even in my disconnect, resignation from the health system.
Most recently telling me to take accountability for my action and I know this is manipulation and it is downright appalling really; DR. Rajiv and Peta are very unprofessional, untrustworthy in even suggesting I take accountability for my actions, that led them and other parties to make illegal/ unlawful decisions with my case, is only their wrongdoing and not my responsibility. I do not owe anything to anyone within the mental health, Health and the NT police or anyone who had ill intent towards me, throughout my turbulent ordeal, nor will I take any accountability for any of the department’s actions to create a crime within the law system, that is something for the department to deal with and not myself or any other mentally ill patient.
speaking in a manner that is in context to manipulate an “unwell” person, especially a person in the mental health sector. This type of behavior is a power and control tactic to make the victim (me) second guess my nature and the true cause of the situation. I know all too well of this behavior, type of manipulation. This is an abuse of the power and training provided by the government system. It is downright wrong to have done this in a setting, to detour my thoughts and make me feel bad, invalidate whatever has happened to me within the system.
Working Government Officials in a place that prides itself in truth and honesty, lied/ misled myself to believe my diagnosis was schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder, which I know is only a temporary disorder. All the while, the whole time I have been really unwell and taken advantaged of in my most vulnerable state, manipulated by the system and the workers. I have been told I have schizophrenia which is a lifelong illness, this is all misinformation and no communication in the matter to confirm the final, diagnosis of schizophrenia in 2020. I am contesting everything and want full clarity on this matter and myself as well as others, deserve so, properly answered questions answered to the fullest truth, with good will and intent. To bring closure and justice.
But I do know that this label does not define me as a threat to society, myself, or even having a lifelong illness and deemed “unwell” for the rest of my life when that is far from it. When I have been told on numerous occasions the label means nothing and can change with reviews and doesn’t mean anything, the department only treat the symptoms.
Negligence in the system and delay with care
In my case which is an URGENT matter, for health reasons and concerns, this is all a life-threatening matter and within my vulnerable state I cannot function properly to the best of my abilities. In my severe state, my case is very URGENT, but everyone has been taken it with a grain of salt, my ordeal was not taken care of with any urgency, I was experiencing signs of severe adverse side effects, and I am completely belittled taken advantage of by the government authorities that all come across my case.
And all of this will fall under communication, that doctors thought, I was pretending and would treat me as such to a normal person. They are desensitized, really, that is neglect to think of such a thing, having no regard for me because of the stigma of mental health, we are the minority faction in this world and look down on and be humiliated. Shame on the government for pushing such a divided agenda.
The negligence through the government system in the form of scheming a delayed urgent assessment on so many occasions and phone calls are being ignored because I needed answers as to why I have been falling/ fainting and living within death and different levels of consciousness. All of what I have been experiencing with my care under professionals’ duty of care, has been all but, appalling and unprofessional in my eyes and others can vouch and agree with me with the unprofessionalism.
I was showing all signs of an URGENT matter and being told otherwise and having officials shrug it of like this is nothing and as if I should just accept their council, because they represent the government is just absurd. All is what corrupt and unjust to me and fellow patients under the mental health regime.
I was told by my case workers the appointments were not until January, to not have to deal with me now. If it was not for my persistent nature to get an early appointment on request, they would make me wait and suffer for my days, I wanted true answers of their intent, but instead I’m fed misleading information and lies upon my appointment and spoken to in a manner that would detour a person thought, manipulation and an abuse of power.
Ignored my stern request to ask for a new team. When I know it does not matter the situation a consumer is in. The request to ask for a new doctor and team, has to be changed rapidly and promptly, not to cause any emotional harm, or any future disturbances to the patient or the community or society. They are liable of any wrong doings, of self-harm and threats to the society because of the aggression cause by the intent to ignore a consumer’s request to have a new reliable treating team.
This type a delay is disgusting and in humane, taking extreme measures and gone to the lengths of breaking the law, within the laws. The officials within the field, trained to manipulate people when things are risky, to take their time to plot and scheme, put down on record to show I am a criminal, when I am no threat to the community. The coercive nature in which to put me in a position, to not be able to seek support. I am blacklisted out of the government support system, that is rightfully supposed to support and protect myself or if I am such a threat to society, then they would have to monitor myself frequently and diligently, but all of this has not happened and been a delayed care of duty, with their obligated duty of care.
I have sufficient evidence showing on all my records, that show a lot of positives in my mental health rehabilitation. So, this new evidence does not apply to me at all, that has made me into a mental health criminal and a threat to society.
A desensitized person within an organization in which people work, with zero care or consideration for causing emotional/psychological trauma brought to my children and to others as well. I, their mother had to be taken in by the police. The Emotionally scarring for my children to see; that breaks my heart, and it sure did do something to my 3 kids, and I will make sure the mental health/police sector are now accountable for these coercive actions against my family. My children now have a scared unstable feeling. The government officials have now created a new mental health and I am demanding action to be taken and further investigations into the consideration of this type of situation, that many others have to unlawfully deal with.
Negligent in the form of how my mind has been meddled with because of the medication, I cannot make decisions to the best of my abilities and my thought process is swayed and damaged by the vaccination I have been forced to take, which is not fair, and this is a real concern and something I have observed over the duration of having to forcefully take this medication and being held at ransom.
I am now codependent on my boyfriend because of the above concern I have; I am very reliant on him and can’t go anywhere without him. To elaborate on the matter, he has to spell check and check all of my documents to see if it all meets political correctness and look after me to make sure I am doing fine under his watchful eye.
Medications
Here is my history of my medical journey within the last 3.5 months, upon my first encounter with the RDH throughout this ordeal, I was showing a sound mind, when questioned and harassed, coercively abused/ pressure by the staff at the (RDH) royal Darwin Hospital. Because I showed a complete sound mind and articulated everything really well and presented myself to my fullest abilities, I was then discharged with 10mg of olanzapine which was perfectly fine for me in oral form.
But I understand and acknowledge the background pressures to have me forcefully be injected with the dose of 300mg ABILIFY! Against my own will and threatened with brute force of 3 huge men attacking and holding me down, to get the deed done. This is all deemed appropriate measures, ordered by the head of psychiatry ROB PARKER, who put in a complaint towards the head of health on duty on the day of my discharge with the 10mg of olanzapine a monthly dose.
Let me change the words here for a better understanding and to open your eyes. Stop calling them “symptoms”, when the side effects are causes of the medication, to eventually make a severely “ill” patient die of natural causes, cause by the medicine that is injected into our blood stream to have a quicker affect or induce thoughts and actions for a patient to eventually commit suicide.
In my case, I was going to die, and this was all caused by the medication and quite possibly my death is going to be blamed on natural causes when I am perfectly healthy. Nor do I have any serious health abnormalities, to be dropping and fainting the way I have been since having to take this medication Abilify.
I know this medication because I did have it before, but it was not smooth sailing or great for me as I was severely suicidal for the first year of my treatment. This was all positive reactions according to the mental health, Abilify induces such side effects to make a human more ill, than what they really are. Can’t have anyone getting better? That’s an atrocity for the government system. We are not a commodity to the system, and I refuse to be treated like one.
The medication is a lower strength to olanzapine, but this, by all means to induces such serious reactions on a person, who the mental health system claims to be “ill” or “unwell” and this raises alarm bells for me.
I am showing signs of an overdose from Abilify/ aripiprazole which is fainting and lose of consciousness or in and out of consciousness. On a regular basis and this is believed to be nothing to worry about by DR saminthika and the head of psychiatry. Which is so poorly executed by the government system, and they are liable for a cause of death, if I am to die of natural causes or commit suicide, both in which are caused by the medication Abilify.
Assessment
DR RAJIV saw fit that a qualified clinician, a “social worker” makes a report, an official assessment of my symptoms to the higher person in charge DR Rajiv. Which is unlawful and I know my rights and the process in which the assessments have to be done, this is not acceptable behavior to be breaking protocols and the law, to be doing things that are unjust within the system of the government when people who work within the government system, are in a place of trust and honesty. This has all been a game of Chinese whispers and we all know how things can change, Peta has been an agitator, an abuser in the system of how everything is run within my case. Giving a person with low/ no qualification, the authority and duty to make an assessment is so wrong and illegal.
The state government law/acts.
If a law that creates an offence, provides that strict liability applies to a particular offence/s.
This would apply to many diverse offenses committed by the mental health, that has happened to me over the duration of the 8 weeks.
There is sufficient evidence to show case and the cause of fault because of the officials demeaner, that led to breaking the law and this is an extreme liable matter and is inexcusable.
Nor will I be responsible, or hold any sort of accountability, for any wrongdoing to has happened with in the legal systems of things, laws that have been broken by government officials. I was deemed unfit and unable to make conscious decisions, therefore, I could not be tried under sections.
None of which has happened to myself, apply to me, I have been advocating in my own defense through the unlawful system, in which your departments illegally operated unjust treatments.
Defense is accurate and suffice in the matter in Courtney’s defense, she demonstrated a sound mind in her own matter, regardless of her mind now being tampered with by the medication. That none of all that has happened to her in the situation of the 8 weeks and longer, she does not hold any responsibility for her decisions, because of your ill mistake to inform courtney of proper courting etiquette to withdraw from the mental health system. She is not fit to be tried, nor is she the source of your decision making to break the law, I know this this to be unjustifiable.
Officials will hold accountable and liable for their coercive misconduct, upon my mistreatment and troubling. The trials should not have been tried to me, you deemed myself as unfit to be tried in the mental health, nor should any other patients be tried, while deemed unfit through the mental health of both voluntary/involuntary position.
To conclude in my case, I want truths about my ordeal come to light. Strict liability/ responsibility applies, to the governing body, of all that has been unjust.
The laws were broken in secret and coercive force was used to impair the subject and scare tactics to adhere to officials demands.
That’s not a democracy, you are “worked” to support courtney, community and society. I see this has been far from your duties and to go beyond your limitations is an unlawful act.
The communications to hold courtney accountable for her actions is manipulation to the highest and unjustifiable to have to do this to any patient. Nor is any patient liable for any DR’s, wrong decision to break the law, this is a corrupted matter.
Questions to be answered in full truths
​
submitted by courts1212 to Corruption [link] [comments]

2022.01.18 12:30 courts1212 My fight in the mental health institution, false diagnosis's, unlawful actions and defamation of character.

Introduction
My letter of complaint, to the tamarind center, Royal Darwin Hospital (RDH), NT police and head of Psychiatry DR. R PARKER. I’m demanding a portfolio, a written investigations into my case, this falls under a civil rights matter and needs to be dealt with promptly. I am taking further actions to the supreme court and complaints will be made to the commissioner’s government system and my complaint will be forwarded to independent bodies as well.
What others have told me about their forceful treatment, that I couldn’t fathom to believe. Is now happening to me, for the past 8 weeks I have been abused within the government system and people closely engaged in my case, have discriminated against myself because I am a “unwell” patient, regardless of me being in a state of being “unwell” I still need to be treated as such with dignity, respect and listened too.
I have experienced for myself, the corruption, within the politics is horrendous and inhumane to a person’s lively hood. In an urgent matter such as myself, I have been placed under an order and comply to the regulations, regardless of my health concerns. where I have been forced immediate attention and now that I follow guides and regulations, my urgency of care is now being delayed and ignored.
Regardless of all my unfortunate troubles I have remained stern and strong among the system of the corruption and will do everything within my power to do something about mine and others mistreatment within the mental health/ health and government systems. This is not what you call a democracy.
These are my complaints and concerns during my whole ordeal, please read on.
Diagnosis
From what I know and can remember about my diagnosis, my diagnosis is schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder. But here is a brief overview of my past encounters with the mental health sector in regard to my formal diagnosis.
From what I have been told, it has been very confusing to know what disorder I have, regarding my mental health status. I’m being told on different occasions I have schizophrenia and on other times, it’s schizophreniform/schizoaffective disorder.
I, myself having to live with this mix-up from professionals in my team and receiving misleading information about my misdiagnosis and to receive the wrong care in a medical sense has been very debilitating throughout my life in the past 2 years of being the outpatient.
This is obviously very alarming to have made more sense of my situation, in my case and future dealings with the corrupt system of how the government is operating. Here is a brief overview of my case.
It was the year, mid 2019 when I first became aware of my mental break down and admitted myself voluntarily to seek support, from the referral of my DR. from the Tiwi medical center, to seek support from the tamarind center. Among my first admission into the Cowardy facility, my stay lasted almost 3 months and I was cared for and attended too. I remember knowing what was going on with my mental health distortion, everyone knew my story, DR’s. were in awe of my insight into what was happening to my mind, I can explain in a practical manner in order for others to understand through analogies, to see what goes on in my thought process.
Upon my stay in the facility, I got the care I needed and made sure I was cared for appropriately. I cooperated and did not have any problems with the facility. When released, my first appointment at the tamarind center. I was greeted and met with a new DR. who was a white woman, only for her to declare my formal diagnosis of schizophrenia, when in the space of 1 or 2 weeks before I was told I had a different diagnosis on 2 occasions, and this has been appalling for me to realize. I thought I was in a place of trust and feel betrayed by the system.
Rights as a voluntary/ involuntary patient
From the very beginning of my voluntary admission as a voluntary patient, my rights were never given, or provided to myself in proper etiquette. I was told I could have the ability to withdraw myself from the mental health community, but I was coerced by my social worker Peta Fausey to stay in the system of the mental health sector. These are the complaints I am bringing back to light towards my unprofessional, untrustworthy team and the mental health/ health government system, that is somewhat governed by ROB PARKER.
The unlawful, illegal decisions, made with my case to make myself an involuntary patient, again my rights were never spoken to me in a proper manner, whether it be with my social team and upon the police arrival and this is alarming for me. I was emotionally manipulated and taken advantage of, because the system deemed me as “unwell” an unsuitable person in the society and towards myself, which is very wrong I still require and demand the dignity/ respect regardless of my mental health status that deemed myself to society as “unfit”.
Criminal/ Warrants
I had 3 warrants issued for my arrest by DR. R Parker, but, covered up to make me think it was DR. Rajiv, who gave unlawful consent to apply for the warrants to be processed, that did not apply to me from the very start because of how the system of everything has unlawfully operated, from my first voluntary admission. These warrants will never apply to myself, because upon every assessment done, I was not deemed a threat, “unfit” or “unwell” among the community, I am a mother who is of very sound mind.
Although these warrants do not apply to me, they are now my property because my name is broadcasted on the papers, I have every right to verbally request to read the warrants for my arrest. But I was told misleading information and refused to look at my personal papers ordered against myself from DR. R Parker.
The warrants made me a criminal in the system and so my confidential information has been spread through to other government bodies in the Northern Territory and therefore I could not receive any assistance, blacklisted in every government funded facility and told to go private for an assessment, this was so very wrong for a person in an URGENT position. Who the department deemed “unwell” and a threat to society/ community, I needed URGENT help and it was not available to me?
3 warrants to my name and its unexplainably hard to request these warrants through a request of information, helped by the community visitor program and still nothing to be given upon official request. It is hard to fathom the malicious reasoning for all of these ill intentions towards me, on these referrals.
I know all 3 warrants have been issued by DR. R parker and I know it is getting covered up by DR. RAJIV. This right here is a criminal act because all of this escalated from an official, unlawful assessment done by a “social worker”, a messenger, who has NO AUTHORITY, jurisdiction what’s so ever on this type of matter, Peta Fausey is not a qualified physician, DR. for this to be to her duty in making assessments or acting improperly because of an order made by the head of psychiatry.
Police
The NT police have been nothing but agitators when dealing with my case and would not let me read my warrants, that are rightfully my property, that is my information and I have every right to request upon verbal demand, the government are liable for delay and neglect in hiding my information from me.
This needs to be clarified in writing, about the ill intent to purposely hide my information and I am demanding a written apology and I want to know their malicious intent towards myself in writing from the department commissioner and the officers who refused to show my information and didn’t engage in a respectful manner towards me.
I deserve to know why and get accurate, proper, answers for the reasoning behind all of this and I demand everything come to light, that’s the respect and dignity I deserve.
Communication
I am very well aware of coercive abuse and all the manipulation tactics behind everything they do and have done, I was coerced by my social worker Peta, to stay in the mental health for the rest of my life, even if I had to be on the smallest dose for the rest of my days. With her professional knowing, as a social worker, I was a voluntary patient and knew I could withdraw from the Mental health system.
The miscommunication, unprofessional works between myself and “my team” have been really and very inadequate, unreliable from the start of the 2 years. I know within myself what is right and wrong with in the legal system of the government. These complaints I have about the communication breakdown from the DR’s. team, the tamarind center, are maliciously wrong towards me and other patients the department deems “unwell” through their government.
Assessments I know have to be done with a patient present in the room with a qualified DR. During the downfall of my mental health, according to health professionals associated with my team and case. My assessments were done without me being there, they were done in secret; deliberations or scheming for better words, when I have been admitted at the RDH. I was Waiting in the Ambulant area while having to wait and be told an assessment was taking place without me being present and I know that is wrong to be doing that in the first place.
My rights were never given to myself upon arrival of the mental health team at the tamarind centre or the arrival of the NT police, it almost seemed like one officer was an agitator in my instance. This officer who would not and just refuse to hand me my warrants, did not even cross their minds to verbally express my god given rights to myself, or to have the ability to wait upon legal representation? I have shown a sound mind, to represent myself with out legal representation available.
The communication towards myself has been horrible. I have been spoken to in a manner in which manipulates the mind of the vulnerable “unwell” person, deemed a threat to society in an unlawful, unjust system of how they manipulate the system and claim to be just in the eyes of the laws.
I am being purposely lied to, spoken in a manner to be coerced and manipulated in front of people. Spoken to, to be humiliated and feel the humiliation of being spoken down to by authority and on numerous occasions a haughty nature. These actions that made me assertive and defensive with my words, I am perfectly within my right to defend myself because I am not a commodity to the government system who have no jurisdiction on me because we live in a democracy.
Being giving false information, by people closely involved in my case. I have been misguided, misled and this is a crime and does not in any way support or help me as a patient in the mental health act. I am the consumer, you are working to support me and obey to my decisions whether you like them or not, or at least come to a mutual agreement, in my medical/ rehabilitation support or even in my disconnect, resignation from the health system.
Most recently telling me to take accountability for my action and I know this is manipulation and it is downright appalling really; DR. Rajiv and Peta are very unprofessional, untrustworthy in even suggesting I take accountability for my actions, that led them and other parties to make illegal/ unlawful decisions with my case, is only their wrongdoing and not my responsibility. I do not owe anything to anyone within the mental health, Health and the NT police or anyone who had ill intent towards me, throughout my turbulent ordeal, nor will I take any accountability for any of the department’s actions to create a crime within the law system, that is something for the department to deal with and not myself or any other mentally ill patient.
speaking in a manner that is in context to manipulate an “unwell” person, especially a person in the mental health sector. This type of behavior is a power and control tactic to make the victim (me) second guess my nature and the true cause of the situation. I know all too well of this behavior, type of manipulation. This is an abuse of the power and training provided by the government system. It is downright wrong to have done this in a setting, to detour my thoughts and make me feel bad, invalidate whatever has happened to me within the system.
Working Government Officials in a place that prides itself in truth and honesty, lied/ misled myself to believe my diagnosis was schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder, which I know is only a temporary disorder. All the while, the whole time I have been really unwell and taken advantaged of in my most vulnerable state, manipulated by the system and the workers. I have been told I have schizophrenia which is a lifelong illness, this is all misinformation and no communication in the matter to confirm the final, diagnosis of schizophrenia in 2020. I am contesting everything and want full clarity on this matter and myself as well as others, deserve so, properly answered questions answered to the fullest truth, with good will and intent. To bring closure and justice.
But I do know that this label does not define me as a threat to society, myself, or even having a lifelong illness and deemed “unwell” for the rest of my life when that is far from it. When I have been told on numerous occasions the label means nothing and can change with reviews and doesn’t mean anything, the department only treat the symptoms.
Negligence in the system and delay with care
In my case which is an URGENT matter, for health reasons and concerns, this is all a life-threatening matter and within my vulnerable state I cannot function properly to the best of my abilities. In my severe state, my case is very URGENT, but everyone has been taken it with a grain of salt, my ordeal was not taken care of with any urgency, I was experiencing signs of severe adverse side effects, and I am completely belittled taken advantage of by the government authorities that all come across my case.
And all of this will fall under communication, that doctors thought, I was pretending and would treat me as such to a normal person. They are desensitized, really, that is neglect to think of such a thing, having no regard for me because of the stigma of mental health, we are the minority faction in this world and look down on and be humiliated. Shame on the government for pushing such a divided agenda.
The negligence through the government system in the form of scheming a delayed urgent assessment on so many occasions and phone calls are being ignored because I needed answers as to why I have been falling/ fainting and living within death and different levels of consciousness. All of what I have been experiencing with my care under professionals’ duty of care, has been all but, appalling and unprofessional in my eyes and others can vouch and agree with me with the unprofessionalism.
I was showing all signs of an URGENT matter and being told otherwise and having officials shrug it of like this is nothing and as if I should just accept their council, because they represent the government is just absurd. All is what corrupt and unjust to me and fellow patients under the mental health regime.
I was told by my case workers the appointments were not until January, to not have to deal with me now. If it was not for my persistent nature to get an early appointment on request, they would make me wait and suffer for my days, I wanted true answers of their intent, but instead I’m fed misleading information and lies upon my appointment and spoken to in a manner that would detour a person thought, manipulation and an abuse of power.
Ignored my stern request to ask for a new team. When I know it does not matter the situation a consumer is in. The request to ask for a new doctor and team, has to be changed rapidly and promptly, not to cause any emotional harm, or any future disturbances to the patient or the community or society. They are liable of any wrong doings, of self-harm and threats to the society because of the aggression cause by the intent to ignore a consumer’s request to have a new reliable treating team.
This type a delay is disgusting and in humane, taking extreme measures and gone to the lengths of breaking the law, within the laws. The officials within the field, trained to manipulate people when things are risky, to take their time to plot and scheme, put down on record to show I am a criminal, when I am no threat to the community. The coercive nature in which to put me in a position, to not be able to seek support. I am blacklisted out of the government support system, that is rightfully supposed to support and protect myself or if I am such a threat to society, then they would have to monitor myself frequently and diligently, but all of this has not happened and been a delayed care of duty, with their obligated duty of care.
I have sufficient evidence showing on all my records, that show a lot of positives in my mental health rehabilitation. So, this new evidence does not apply to me at all, that has made me into a mental health criminal and a threat to society.
A desensitized person within an organization in which people work, with zero care or consideration for causing emotional/psychological trauma brought to my children and to others as well. I, their mother had to be taken in by the police. The Emotionally scarring for my children to see; that breaks my heart, and it sure did do something to my 3 kids, and I will make sure the mental health/police sector are now accountable for these coercive actions against my family. My children now have a scared unstable feeling. The government officials have now created a new mental health and I am demanding action to be taken and further investigations into the consideration of this type of situation, that many others have to unlawfully deal with.
Negligent in the form of how my mind has been meddled with because of the medication, I cannot make decisions to the best of my abilities and my thought process is swayed and damaged by the vaccination I have been forced to take, which is not fair, and this is a real concern and something I have observed over the duration of having to forcefully take this medication and being held at ransom.
I am now codependent on my boyfriend because of the above concern I have; I am very reliant on him and can’t go anywhere without him. To elaborate on the matter, he has to spell check and check all of my documents to see if it all meets political correctness and look after me to make sure I am doing fine under his watchful eye.
Medications
Here is my history of my medical journey within the last 3.5 months, upon my first encounter with the RDH throughout this ordeal, I was showing a sound mind, when questioned and harassed, coercively abused/ pressure by the staff at the (RDH) royal Darwin Hospital. Because I showed a complete sound mind and articulated everything really well and presented myself to my fullest abilities, I was then discharged with 10mg of olanzapine which was perfectly fine for me in oral form.
But I understand and acknowledge the background pressures to have me forcefully be injected with the dose of 300mg ABILIFY! Against my own will and threatened with brute force of 3 huge men attacking and holding me down, to get the deed done. This is all deemed appropriate measures, ordered by the head of psychiatry ROB PARKER, who put in a complaint towards the head of health on duty on the day of my discharge with the 10mg of olanzapine a monthly dose.
Let me change the words here for a better understanding and to open your eyes. Stop calling them “symptoms”, when the side effects are causes of the medication, to eventually make a severely “ill” patient die of natural causes, cause by the medicine that is injected into our blood stream to have a quicker affect or induce thoughts and actions for a patient to eventually commit suicide.
In my case, I was going to die, and this was all caused by the medication and quite possibly my death is going to be blamed on natural causes when I am perfectly healthy. Nor do I have any serious health abnormalities, to be dropping and fainting the way I have been since having to take this medication Abilify.
I know this medication because I did have it before, but it was not smooth sailing or great for me as I was severely suicidal for the first year of my treatment. This was all positive reactions according to the mental health, Abilify induces such side effects to make a human more ill, than what they really are. Can’t have anyone getting better? That’s an atrocity for the government system. We are not a commodity to the system, and I refuse to be treated like one.
The medication is a lower strength to olanzapine, but this, by all means to induces such serious reactions on a person, who the mental health system claims to be “ill” or “unwell” and this raises alarm bells for me.
I am showing signs of an overdose from Abilify/ aripiprazole which is fainting and lose of consciousness or in and out of consciousness. On a regular basis and this is believed to be nothing to worry about by DR saminthika and the head of psychiatry. Which is so poorly executed by the government system, and they are liable for a cause of death, if I am to die of natural causes or commit suicide, both in which are caused by the medication Abilify.
Assessment
DR RAJIV saw fit that a qualified clinician, a “social worker” makes a report, an official assessment of my symptoms to the higher person in charge DR Rajiv. Which is unlawful and I know my rights and the process in which the assessments have to be done, this is not acceptable behavior to be breaking protocols and the law, to be doing things that are unjust within the system of the government when people who work within the government system, are in a place of trust and honesty. This has all been a game of Chinese whispers and we all know how things can change, Peta has been an agitator, an abuser in the system of how everything is run within my case. Giving a person with low/ no qualification, the authority and duty to make an assessment is so wrong and illegal.
The state government law/acts.
If a law that creates an offence, provides that strict liability applies to a particular offence/s.
This would apply to many diverse offenses committed by the mental health, that has happened to me over the duration of the 8 weeks.
There is sufficient evidence to show case and the cause of fault because of the officials demeaner, that led to breaking the law and this is an extreme liable matter and is inexcusable.
Nor will I be responsible, or hold any sort of accountability, for any wrongdoing to has happened with in the legal systems of things, laws that have been broken by government officials. I was deemed unfit and unable to make conscious decisions, therefore, I could not be tried under sections.
None of which has happened to myself, apply to me, I have been advocating in my own defense through the unlawful system, in which your departments illegally operated unjust treatments.
Defense is accurate and suffice in the matter in Courtney’s defense, she demonstrated a sound mind in her own matter, regardless of her mind now being tampered with by the medication. That none of all that has happened to her in the situation of the 8 weeks and longer, she does not hold any responsibility for her decisions, because of your ill mistake to inform courtney of proper courting etiquette to withdraw from the mental health system. She is not fit to be tried, nor is she the source of your decision making to break the law, I know this this to be unjustifiable.
Officials will hold accountable and liable for their coercive misconduct, upon my mistreatment and troubling. The trials should not have been tried to me, you deemed myself as unfit to be tried in the mental health, nor should any other patients be tried, while deemed unfit through the mental health of both voluntary/involuntary position.
To conclude in my case, I want truths about my ordeal come to light. Strict liability/ responsibility applies, to the governing body, of all that has been unjust.
The laws were broken in secret and coercive force was used to impair the subject and scare tactics to adhere to officials demands.
That’s not a democracy, you are “worked” to support courtney, community and society. I see this has been far from your duties and to go beyond your limitations is an unlawful act.
The communications to hold courtney accountable for her actions is manipulation to the highest and unjustifiable to have to do this to any patient. Nor is any patient liable for any DR’s, wrong decision to break the law, this is a corrupted matter.
Questions to be answered in full truths
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submitted by courts1212 to Abilify_Aripiprazole [link] [comments]

2022.01.18 12:24 courts1212 My fight in the mental health institution, false diagnosis's, unlawful actions and defamation of character.

Introduction
My letter of complaint, to the tamarind centre, Royal Darwin Hospital (RDH), NT police and head of Psychiatry DR. R PARKER. I’m demanding a portfolio, a written investigations into my case, this falls under a civil rights matter and needs to be dealt with promptly. I am taking further actions to the supreme court and complaints will be made to the commissioner’s government system and my complaint will be forwarded to independent bodies as well.
What others have told me about their forceful treatment, that I couldn’t fathom to believe. Is now happening to me, for the past 8 weeks I have been abused within the government system and people closely engaged in my case, have discriminated against myself because I am a “unwell” patient, regardless of me being in a state of being “unwell” I still need to be treated as such with dignity, respect and listened too.
I have experienced for myself, the corruption, within the politics is horrendous and inhumane to a person’s lively hood. In an urgent matter such as myself, I have been placed under an order and comply to the regulations, regardless of my health concerns. where I have been forced immediate attention and now that I follow guides and regulations, my urgency of care is now being delayed and ignored.
Regardless of all my unfortunate troubles I have remained stern and strong among the system of the corruption and will do everything within my power to do something about mine and others mistreatment within the mental health/ health and government systems. This is not what you call a democracy.
These are my complaints and concerns during my whole ordeal, please read on.
Diagnosis
From what I know and can remember about my diagnosis, my diagnosis is schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder. But here is a brief overview of my past encounters with the mental health sector in regard to my formal diagnosis.
From what I have been told, it has been very confusing to know what disorder I have, regarding my mental health status. I’m being told on different occasions I have schizophrenia and on other times, it’s schizophreniform/schizoaffective disorder.
I, myself having to live with this mix-up from professionals in my team and receiving misleading information about my misdiagnosis and to receive the wrong care in a medical sense has been very debilitating throughout my life in the past 2 years of being the outpatient.
This is obviously very alarming to have made more sense of my situation, in my case and future dealings with the corrupt system of how the government is operating. Here is a brief overview of my case.
It was the year, mid 2019 when I first became aware of my mental break down and admitted myself voluntarily to seek support, from the referral of my DR. from the Tiwi medical center, to seek support from the tamarind center. Among my first admission into the Cowardy facility, my stay lasted almost 3 months and I was cared for and attended too. I remember knowing what was going on with my mental health distortion, everyone knew my story, DR’s. were in awe of my insight into what was happening to my mind, I can explain in a practical manner in order for others to understand through analogies, to see what goes on in my thought process.
Upon my stay in the facility, I got the care I needed and made sure I was cared for appropriately. I cooperated and did not have any problems with the facility. When released, my first appointment at the tamarind center. I was greeted and met with a new DR. who was a white woman, only for her to declare my formal diagnosis of schizophrenia, when in the space of 1 or 2 weeks before I was told I had a different diagnosis on 2 occasions, and this has been appalling for me to realize. I thought I was in a place of trust and feel betrayed by the system.
Rights as a voluntary/ involuntary patient
From the very beginning of my voluntary admission as a voluntary patient, my rights were never given, or provided to myself in proper etiquette. I was told I could have the ability to withdraw myself from the mental health community, but I was coerced by my social worker Peta Fausey to stay in the system of the mental health sector. These are the complaints I am bringing back to light towards my unprofessional, untrustworthy team and the mental health/ health government system, that is somewhat governed by ROB PARKER.
The unlawful, illegal decisions, made with my case to make myself an involuntary patient, again my rights were never spoken to me in a proper manner, whether it be with my social team and upon the police arrival and this is alarming for me. I was emotionally manipulated and taken advantage of, because the system deemed me as “unwell” an unsuitable person in the society and towards myself, which is very wrong I still require and demand the dignity/ respect regardless of my mental health status that deemed myself to society as “unfit”.
Criminal/ Warrants
I had 3 warrants issued for my arrest by DR. R Parker, but, covered up to make me think it was DR. Rajiv, who gave unlawful consent to apply for the warrants to be processed, that did not apply to me from the very start because of how the system of everything has unlawfully operated, from my first voluntary admission. These warrants will never apply to myself, because upon every assessment done, I was not deemed a threat, “unfit” or “unwell” among the community, I am a mother who is of very sound mind.
Although these warrants do not apply to me, they are now my property because my name is broadcasted on the papers, I have every right to verbally request to read the warrants for my arrest. But I was told misleading information and refused to look at my personal papers ordered against myself from DR. R Parker.
The warrants made me a criminal in the system and so my confidential information has been spread through to other government bodies in the Northern Territory and therefore I could not receive any assistance, blacklisted in every government funded facility and told to go private for an assessment, this was so very wrong for a person in an URGENT position. Who the department deemed “unwell” and a threat to society/ community, I needed URGENT help and it was not available to me?
3 warrants to my name and its unexplainably hard to request these warrants through a request of information, helped by the community visitor program and still nothing to be given upon official request. It is hard to fathom the malicious reasoning for all of these ill intentions towards me, on these referrals.
I know all 3 warrants have been issued by DR. R parker and I know it is getting covered up by DR. RAJIV. This right here is a criminal act because all of this escalated from an official, unlawful assessment done by a “social worker”, a messenger, who has NO AUTHORITY, jurisdiction what’s so ever on this type of matter, Peta Fausey is not a qualified physician, DR. for this to be to her duty in making assessments or acting improperly because of an order made by the head of psychiatry.
Police
The NT police have been nothing but agitators when dealing with my case and would not let me read my warrants, that are rightfully my property, that is my information and I have every right to request upon verbal demand, the government are liable for delay and neglect in hiding my information from me.
This needs to be clarified in writing, about the ill intent to purposely hide my information and I am demanding a written apology and I want to know their malicious intent towards myself in writing from the department commissioner and the officers who refused to show my information and didn’t engage in a respectful manner towards me.
I deserve to know why and get accurate, proper, answers for the reasoning behind all of this and I demand everything come to light, that’s the respect and dignity I deserve.
Communication
I am very well aware of coercive abuse and all the manipulation tactics behind everything they do and have done, I was coerced by my social worker Peta, to stay in the mental health for the rest of my life, even if I had to be on the smallest dose for the rest of my days. With her professional knowing, as a social worker, I was a voluntary patient and knew I could withdraw from the Mental health system.
The miscommunication, unprofessional works between myself and “my team” have been really and very inadequate, unreliable from the start of the 2 years. I know within myself what is right and wrong with in the legal system of the government. These complaints I have about the communication breakdown from the DR’s. team, the tamarind center, are maliciously wrong towards me and other patients the department deems “unwell” through their government.
Assessments I know have to be done with a patient present in the room with a qualified DR. During the downfall of my mental health, according to health professionals associated with my team and case. My assessments were done without me being there, they were done in secret; deliberations or scheming for better words, when I have been admitted at the RDH. I was Waiting in the Ambulant area while having to wait and be told an assessment was taking place without me being present and I know that is wrong to be doing that in the first place.
My rights were never given to myself upon arrival of the mental health team at the tamarind centre or the arrival of the NT police, it almost seemed like one officer was an agitator in my instance. This officer who would not and just refuse to hand me my warrants, did not even cross their minds to verbally express my god given rights to myself, or to have the ability to wait upon legal representation? I have shown a sound mind, to represent myself with out legal representation available.
The communication towards myself has been horrible. I have been spoken to in a manner in which manipulates the mind of the vulnerable “unwell” person, deemed a threat to society in an unlawful, unjust system of how they manipulate the system and claim to be just in the eyes of the laws.
I am being purposely lied to, spoken in a manner to be coerced and manipulated in front of people. Spoken to, to be humiliated and feel the humiliation of being spoken down to by authority and on numerous occasions a haughty nature. These actions that made me assertive and defensive with my words, I am perfectly within my right to defend myself because I am not a commodity to the government system who have no jurisdiction on me because we live in a democracy.
Being giving false information, by people closely involved in my case. I have been misguided, misled and this is a crime and does not in any way support or help me as a patient in the mental health act. I am the consumer, you are working to support me and obey to my decisions whether you like them or not, or at least come to a mutual agreement, in my medical/ rehabilitation support or even in my disconnect, resignation from the health system.
Most recently telling me to take accountability for my action and I know this is manipulation and it is downright appalling really; DR. Rajiv and Peta are very unprofessional, untrustworthy in even suggesting I take accountability for my actions, that led them and other parties to make illegal/ unlawful decisions with my case, is only their wrongdoing and not my responsibility. I do not owe anything to anyone within the mental health, Health and the NT police or anyone who had ill intent towards me, throughout my turbulent ordeal, nor will I take any accountability for any of the department’s actions to create a crime within the law system, that is something for the department to deal with and not myself or any other mentally ill patient.
speaking in a manner that is in context to manipulate an “unwell” person, especially a person in the mental health sector. This type of behavior is a power and control tactic to make the victim (me) second guess my nature and the true cause of the situation. I know all too well of this behavior, type of manipulation. This is an abuse of the power and training provided by the government system. It is downright wrong to have done this in a setting, to detour my thoughts and make me feel bad, invalidate whatever has happened to me within the system.
Working Government Officials in a place that prides itself in truth and honesty, lied/ misled myself to believe my diagnosis was schizophreniform/ schizoaffective disorder, which I know is only a temporary disorder. All the while, the whole time I have been really unwell and taken advantaged of in my most vulnerable state, manipulated by the system and the workers. I have been told I have schizophrenia which is a lifelong illness, this is all misinformation and no communication in the matter to confirm the final, diagnosis of schizophrenia in 2020. I am contesting everything and want full clarity on this matter and myself as well as others, deserve so, properly answered questions answered to the fullest truth, with good will and intent. To bring closure and justice.
But I do know that this label does not define me as a threat to society, myself, or even having a lifelong illness and deemed “unwell” for the rest of my life when that is far from it. When I have been told on numerous occasions the label means nothing and can change with reviews and doesn’t mean anything, the department only treat the symptoms.
Negligence in the system and delay with care
In my case which is an URGENT matter, for health reasons and concerns, this is all a life-threatening matter and within my vulnerable state I cannot function properly to the best of my abilities. In my severe state, my case is very URGENT, but everyone has been taken it with a grain of salt, my ordeal was not taken care of with any urgency, I was experiencing signs of severe adverse side effects, and I am completely belittled taken advantage of by the government authorities that all come across my case.
And all of this will fall under communication, that doctors thought, I was pretending and would treat me as such to a normal person. They are desensitized, really, that is neglect to think of such a thing, having no regard for me because of the stigma of mental health, we are the minority faction in this world and look down on and be humiliated. Shame on the government for pushing such a divided agenda.
The negligence through the government system in the form of scheming a delayed urgent assessment on so many occasions and phone calls are being ignored because I needed answers as to why I have been falling/ fainting and living within death and different levels of consciousness. All of what I have been experiencing with my care under professionals’ duty of care, has been all but, appalling and unprofessional in my eyes and others can vouch and agree with me with the unprofessionalism.
I was showing all signs of an URGENT matter and being told otherwise and having officials shrug it of like this is nothing and as if I should just accept their council, because they represent the government is just absurd. All is what corrupt and unjust to me and fellow patients under the mental health regime.
I was told by my case workers the appointments were not until January, to not have to deal with me now. If it was not for my persistent nature to get an early appointment on request, they would make me wait and suffer for my days, I wanted true answers of their intent, but instead I’m fed misleading information and lies upon my appointment and spoken to in a manner that would detour a person thought, manipulation and an abuse of power.
Ignored my stern request to ask for a new team. When I know it does not matter the situation a consumer is in. The request to ask for a new doctor and team, has to be changed rapidly and promptly, not to cause any emotional harm, or any future disturbances to the patient or the community or society. They are liable of any wrong doings, of self-harm and threats to the society because of the aggression cause by the intent to ignore a consumer’s request to have a new reliable treating team.
This type a delay is disgusting and in humane, taking extreme measures and gone to the lengths of breaking the law, within the laws. The officials within the field, trained to manipulate people when things are risky, to take their time to plot and scheme, put down on record to show I am a criminal, when I am no threat to the community. The coercive nature in which to put me in a position, to not be able to seek support. I am blacklisted out of the government support system, that is rightfully supposed to support and protect myself or if I am such a threat to society, then they would have to monitor myself frequently and diligently, but all of this has not happened and been a delayed care of duty, with their obligated duty of care.
I have sufficient evidence showing on all my records, that show a lot of positives in my mental health rehabilitation. So, this new evidence does not apply to me at all, that has made me into a mental health criminal and a threat to society.
A desensitized person within an organization in which people work, with zero care or consideration for causing emotional/psychological trauma brought to my children and to others as well. I, their mother had to be taken in by the police. The Emotionally scarring for my children to see; that breaks my heart, and it sure did do something to my 3 kids, and I will make sure the mental health/police sector are now accountable for these coercive actions against my family. My children now have a scared unstable feeling. The government officials have now created a new mental health and I am demanding action to be taken and further investigations into the consideration of this type of situation, that many others have to unlawfully deal with.
Negligent in the form of how my mind has been meddled with because of the medication, I cannot make decisions to the best of my abilities and my thought process is swayed and damaged by the vaccination I have been forced to take, which is not fair, and this is a real concern and something I have observed over the duration of having to forcefully take this medication and being held at ransom.
I am now codependent on my boyfriend because of the above concern I have; I am very reliant on him and can’t go anywhere without him. To elaborate on the matter, he has to spell check and check all of my documents to see if it all meets political correctness and look after me to make sure I am doing fine under his watchful eye.
Medications
Here is my history of my medical journey within the last 3.5 months, upon my first encounter with the RDH throughout this ordeal, I was showing a sound mind, when questioned and harassed, coercively abused/ pressure by the staff at the (RDH) royal Darwin Hospital. Because I showed a complete sound mind and articulated everything really well and presented myself to my fullest abilities, I was then discharged with 10mg of olanzapine which was perfectly fine for me in oral form.
But I understand and acknowledge the background pressures to have me forcefully be injected with the dose of 300mg ABILIFY! Against my own will and threatened with brute force of 3 huge men attacking and holding me down, to get the deed done. This is all deemed appropriate measures, ordered by the head of psychiatry ROB PARKER, who put in a complaint towards the head of health on duty on the day of my discharge with the 10mg of olanzapine a monthly dose.
Let me change the words here for a better understanding and to open your eyes. Stop calling them “symptoms”, when the side effects are causes of the medication, to eventually make a severely “ill” patient die of natural causes, cause by the medicine that is injected into our blood stream to have a quicker affect or induce thoughts and actions for a patient to eventually commit suicide.
In my case, I was going to die, and this was all caused by the medication and quite possibly my death is going to be blamed on natural causes when I am perfectly healthy. Nor do I have any serious health abnormalities, to be dropping and fainting the way I have been since having to take this medication Abilify.
I know this medication because I did have it before, but it was not smooth sailing or great for me as I was severely suicidal for the first year of my treatment. This was all positive reactions according to the mental health, Abilify induces such side effects to make a human more ill, than what they really are. Can’t have anyone getting better? That’s an atrocity for the government system. We are not a commodity to the system, and I refuse to be treated like one.
The medication is a lower strength to olanzapine, but this, by all means to induces such serious reactions on a person, who the mental health system claims to be “ill” or “unwell” and this raises alarm bells for me.
I am showing signs of an overdose from Abilify/ aripiprazole which is fainting and lose of consciousness or in and out of consciousness. On a regular basis and this is believed to be nothing to worry about by DR saminthika and the head of psychiatry. Which is so poorly executed by the government system, and they are liable for a cause of death, if I am to die of natural causes or commit suicide, both in which are caused by the medication Abilify.
Assessment
DR RAJIV saw fit that a qualified clinician, a “social worker” makes a report, an official assessment of my symptoms to the higher person in charge DR Rajiv. Which is unlawful and I know my rights and the process in which the assessments have to be done, this is not acceptable behavior to be breaking protocols and the law, to be doing things that are unjust within the system of the government when people who work within the government system, are in a place of trust and honesty. This has all been a game of Chinese whispers and we all know how things can change, Peta has been an agitator, an abuser in the system of how everything is run within my case. Giving a person with low/ no qualification, the authority and duty to make an assessment is so wrong and illegal.
The state government law/acts.
If a law that creates an offence, provides that strict liability applies to a particular offence/s.
This would apply to many diverse offenses committed by the mental health, that has happened to me over the duration of the 8 weeks.
There is sufficient evidence to show case and the cause of fault because of the officials demeaner, that led to breaking the law and this is an extreme liable matter and is inexcusable.
Nor will I be responsible, or hold any sort of accountability, for any wrongdoing to has happened with in the legal systems of things, laws that have been broken by government officials. I was deemed unfit and unable to make conscious decisions, therefore, I could not be tried under sections.
None of which has happened to myself, apply to me, I have been advocating in my own defense through the unlawful system, in which your departments illegally operated unjust treatments.
Defense is accurate and suffice in the matter in Courtney’s defense, she demonstrated a sound mind in her own matter, regardless of her mind now being tampered with by the medication. That none of all that has happened to her in the situation of the 8 weeks and longer, she does not hold any responsibility for her decisions, because of your ill mistake to inform courtney of proper courting etiquette to withdraw from the mental health system. She is not fit to be tried, nor is she the source of your decision making to break the law, I know this this to be unjustifiable.
Officials will hold accountable and liable for their coercive misconduct, upon my mistreatment and troubling. The trials should not have been tried to me, you deemed myself as unfit to be tried in the mental health, nor should any other patients be tried, while deemed unfit through the mental health of both voluntary/involuntary position.
To conclude in my case, I want truths about my ordeal come to light. Strict liability/ responsibility applies, to the governing body, of all that has been unjust.
The laws were broken in secret and coercive force was used to impair the subject and scare tactics to adhere to officials demands.
That’s not a democracy, you are “worked” to support courtney, community and society. I see this has been far from your duties and to go beyond your limitations is an unlawful act.
The communications to hold courtney accountable for her actions is manipulation to the highest and unjustifiable to have to do this to any patient. Nor is any patient liable for any DR’s, wrong decision to break the law, this is a corrupted matter.
Questions to be answered in full truths
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2021.03.17 00:31 MartinRead123 From Kaleb R

Kaleb R (2018) (Surgery with Dr. Goldstein)
Introduction
My name is Kaleb Rutherford and I have been afflicted with PSSD since experiencing withdrawals from Lexapro 20 MG and Abilify 5 MG by a Psychiatrist who took me off both medications cold turkey. He stopped the Abilify completely, dropped the dose of Lexapro in half, and two weeks later, took me completely off Lexapro. Those withdrawals would forever change my life as my Mind, Body, and Soul were forever damaged and sentenced to a life of hell on this earth.
This was back in January of 2016. I would suffer through the worst misery and torment of my life. My family suffered and my marriage was hanging on by a thread. I tried special diets, supplements, looking at my gut, examining all things as I researched day and night, and attempted to find anything that could give me hope. I reached out to doctors, forums on the internet, and alternative medicine, but nothing worked. I was thrown out of two different doctors’ offices (in front of patients at one location)--told to never come back as a patient--told I was crazy--and even laughed at.
I had people doubt my faith, tell me what I was experiencing wasn’t possible, or try to tell me that God was judging me for sin in my life. While I do believe I was far away from God and from the things I needed to do, this was not the judgment of God coming down upon me. This was the carelessness of man: By allowing drugs that alter the chemistry of your brain, not testing what happens when people go off them before mass marketing them, programming doctors to give pills to patients instead of trying to work out issues, and using drugs as a last resort.
What is PSSD?
I contemplated suicide many times. I cut myself, I hurt myself, I did anything I could to make my pain go away. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, I am referring to a disease known as PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Disfunction). The term PSSD is really a bad one. While it impacts you physically and sexually, this also destroys your ability to have emotion, to laugh, to enjoy life, to do things you used to find fun and exciting, to bring pleasure of any kind to yourself. This also impacts the relationships around you as you can no longer be a friend, a sibling, a spouse, a parent, or a belong to any family or group. You are all alone.
This bleeds over to you spiritually as well. You are completely and utterly a spiritual robot with no ability to feel the presence of God. Prayers will bounce off the wall and slap you in the face, and what once was a joy to participate in Sunday services will soon look and feel like complete craziness. That God has no way to speak to you or have power to even reach you. This has to be fake and can’t be real—at least I thought.
If I could also put this in one other way. I was Emotionally Numb, Spiritually Numb, and Physically my body was completely damaged beyond repair. If you have ever read the agony of the story of Jesus Christ on the cross, in His pain and suffering he cries out to God: Father— Father Why have You Forsaken me??? This is the power of the Cross as Jesus Christ, God who became man, took on the sins of the world past, present, and future, and died a death of a sinner so you don’t have to. While I haven’t and never could bear your sins, that is the only picture I can paint to show you just how terrible the Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Numbness, or anhedonia, is.
PSSD is much more than a sexual issue. It impacts “the trinity” of what makes you uniquely human: Your Mind (emotions), your Body (Physical and sexual issues), and your Soul (your spiritual nature). This completely destroys a person and leaves you as an empty vessel that has no hope to live in this life, no hope of survival, and no way to find anyone who can understand and care.
My Last Hope
As I reached the end of my rope and lost all hope to keep living life, I kept having a name pop up on all web searches I did: Dr. Irwin Goldstein. I couldn’t find much information about him except people spoke about he really cared and he was willing to talk and try to help people. I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t really think I would be around much longer. What could one more thing hurt?
In fact, my only other option, outside of Goldstein, was to go locally to a hypnotist and get them to trick me into thinking I was okay. I spoke to one of the top 25 hypnotists in the country and she was unwilling to proceed with me. She was pretty certain it wouldn’t work and didn’t want me to waste my time. I decided to call Dr. Goldstein.
San Diego Sexual Medicine
Dr. Goldstein works at the San Diego Sexual Medicine, or SDSM, office located in San Diego, California. As a patient, I have learned about how Dr. Goldstein, his staff, and SDSM operates. In my experience and knowledge, Dr. Goldstein doesn’t do virtual appointments and requires you to come visit him no matter where you are in the world. Once you have visited him once, you have to come out once a year to maintain that relationship as a patient for him to continue writing you prescriptions.
For those of you located outside of the United States—these same rules apply to you but he is unable to write you any prescriptions outride of the US because he doesn’t have the ability to currently do this.
Things change and policies can change too. This is what information I have gathered as a patient of Dr. Goldstein at SDSM. Perhaps in the future, other methods for obtaining an appointment and getting treatment from them will be made available if you are unable to visit in person. I would advise you to ask these questions to SDSM directly.
Why No Insurance?
SDSM does not take insurance. This was a big issue for me because I had health insurance and I wanted to use it. While they will provide you the forms and resources to submit an “out of network” claim with your insurance provider, they won’t file on your behalf. Why is this? I cannot personally answer this because I do not know and haven’t had these conversations in detail.
What I can say is that Dr. Goldstein spends an INSANE amount of time with his patients. You can call and get a free 10 minute consultation with him. He will briefly hear your story and tell you if he thinks he can help you. Once this is done, he will email you details about the conversation and his recommendations. You can speak to the front desk at SDSM and they can go over availability of appointments, costs for the visit, costs for the tests Dr. Goldstein wants performed, and information about labs they want performed before you come out to see them.
There are many patients who fly out to see Goldstein early in the day and fly out late that evening. There are others, like myself, who make a mini vacation out of it. San Diego is a beautiful part of California and there is lots to do!
You may think I am a walking advertisement for San Diego Sexual Medicine and Dr. Goldstein. I will be upfront and tell you I am not employed by them. I do not gain a single thing by referring or recommending them. They saved my life and I am eager to share that life saving treatment with you.
Details About Appointment
When you go see Goldstein in person, he will speak with you for about 45 minutes to an hour, you will also meet with other team members like the Nurse Practioner who is there that day, the sex therapist in the office for counseling, a physical therapist, and have any tests done that Goldstein recommends and you agree to do. You can always decline any of this.
During my first visit with Dr. Goldstein in March of 2017, I had no idea what to expect. I came with a lot of questions and got the chance to ask them all. My wife came with me to support and help in any way she could. I got bad news about how poor my bloodwork was. The tests came up with many issues we would have to work on. Also, there wasn’t a lot of hope to get full healing at this point. I spent about 8 hours over two days my first trip to see Goldstein.
Dr. Goldstein knew of PSSD but wasn’t willing to acknowledge it by name when I saw him in March of 2017. This changed later in 2017 as he began to see more patients like me and he began thinking outside the box and researching to find a cure.
The Healing Begins
It took from March 2017 until May of 2018 for my labs to look normal. A different doctor really messed me up and we slowly worked to get this fixed. This came from adjusting medications and checking labs again every 2 to 3 months. I hit many roadblocks and certain drugs and treatments didn’t work for me. I stayed in constant communication with the office and got to know one of the Nurse Practioners very well. At one point, I was calling almost daily to get help. The office and staff didn’t ignore me and treated me like I was their only patient.
It would have been easy to give up when things weren’t going well. PSSD has to be treated for your individual case and you have to keep your doctor informed so they can continue adjusting and helping you. If you stop talking to them and give up, you are wasting everyone’s time.
Medication and Initial Steps
Dr. Goldstein saw that my hormones were very bad. We tried to “jumpstart” my body to make my own testosterone but I couldn’t ever get my numbers high enough and I ended up doing Testosterone Cypionate injections subcutaneous in the stomach twice a week at a dose that we worked on until the numbers were right for me. To balance out my testosterone so I could conceive more children in the future (if we wanted), I also did the same subcutaneous injections, in the stomach, two other times in the week at a dose that was right for me. There are other options to adjust hormones. The best case scenario, for a man, is for your own body to make enough Testosterone. This can be done through using a larger amount of HCG subcutaneous injections or taking Clomid a few times a week. Unfortunately these other forms to increase my hormones did not work for me in my case. However, your story may vary. Remember, hormones require a doctor who really knows what is going on. Don’t go down this path without help from a professional.
In addition, I was put on a drug known as Addyi. This is FDA approved for women with Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSSD) but was tested on men as well. This drug is key in solving the damage done to your brain emotionally and spiritually. The numbness, or anhedonia, to your emotions and soul are very hard to correct and I would go as far to say you will never receive healing without this drug. It is key.
During my journey to recovery, I have learned that some people do not respond as well to Addyi as others do. Some of these people have taken it on their own and others took it from someone like Dr. Goldstein. I have on Addyi since around the end of March 2017, and I saw some good changes but I wasn’t progressing as fast as I would like. By September 15, 2017, I decided to start taking a 15 MG CBD Softgel. By Thanksgiving 2017, I was a new person. My Emotional and Spiritual Anhedonia was melting away and I was transforming into a new person.
I do not believe you will ever be able to stop taking Addyi if you want healing from PSSD. For some of you, this will be a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended). Trust in a drug when a drug caused all these issues? But you are suffering from permanent damage. Many other diseases are unable to be healed from without the aid of medication to manage the symptoms. PSSD is no different.
I also believe the combination of CBD + Addyi was key here. While it may not be necessary by all, this may be a combination you have to stay on for potentially your whole life.
For those who have seen the effects of Addyi “wear off’ after a short time or its not helping them to its full potential, I would argue that they haven’t been on it long enough. When we are trying to fix anhedonia, it requires something to help the brain out. This is a long process and can’t be fixed overnight. While I am not a doctor and would never advise you take anything unless you are under the care of a doctor, I would say you would need to be on a combination of Addyi or Addyi + CBD for a minimum of 8-12 months before saying it doesn’t work.
The Spiritual Side of Healing
I will add here that as I started taking CBD Oil, I also began to mediate on the daily reading of the Bible and a brief prayer time every morning as I got ready. I did not feel like doing this and most days I did not want to. But during September 15, 2017 until Thanksgiving 2017, I began to transform as I did this. I do believe God healed me through my disciple in seeking His face.
For those of you who are settled on who God is (or if there is no God), I would strongly consider you to reconsider this position. But if you are settled on this, I would recommend you set aside time to mediate on whatever you can find to put your focus on your healing. This is probably one of the most key steps you can take!
More on Medication
I also was taking Cialis 5 MG daily to help with physical issues to be able to have any type of sexual activity. This is a drug that you may always have to take if you have issues as a man.
In addition, I was taking Anastrozole to control estrogen levels from getting out of control. I also took Buspirone and Ropinirole. I think both of these drugs are probably optional in most cases. Ropinirole has a side effect of increasing your Libido and may be something you are advised to take, by your doctor, depending on your particular case.
Goldstein’s Theory
As I was healing, Goldstein was hard at work in trying to discover how to fix all of the issues plaguing people with PSSD. No doctor on earth had been able to figure out how to fix this but he has a brilliant mind that loves to tackle new problems and bring new life to his patients.
As 2017 continued on, I spoke several times to Goldstein and they were all excited to hear about my progress. As we entered 2018, Goldstein became convinced that he had found a potential way to fix PSSD.
I visited him, in person, for the second time at my annual checkup in May 2018 with my wife.
He told me about PSSD begin a “Perfect Storm” of negative events your body is experiencing due to the withdrawal of SSRI drugs. Each of these issues much be treated as a separate issue that needs to be handled by itself.
While most PSSD sufferers want to have their disease gain notoriety and be solved by a single pill, procedure, or supplement, this is not likely to ever happen. In a perfect storm, you have all of these elements coming together to create a massive storm with huge waves, winds, and rains.
Your body is completely overwhelmed and no longer operates the way it once did.
Emotionally and Spiritually, your numbness, or anhedonia, is handled by the use of Addyi and CBD Oil.
Your physical body is then treated with hormones, Cialis, Ropinirole, Anastrozole, etc depending on your particular case.
But what about sexual sensation—or numbness people have? What if even after all of this, you can’t fully enjoy sex or feel pleasure during sexual activity? Goldstein theorizes that PSSD sufferers that have a lack of sexual pleasure have a preexisting back issue that happened prior to taking the SSRI drug.
Nerve Testing
While you may not currently have back issues or experience any uncommon pain or discomfort in your back, the nerves in your spine go down your to your legs. This would go through all of your sexual organs as well. What if nerve testing was done to see if your nerves responded poorly?
I opted to go along with this theory and the nerve tests were all abnormal. In fact, my nerves responded, in some cases, twice as slow as they should have. I also did not have any abnormal back pain or discomfort. I also had a back injury many years ago that was healed through rehab.
MRI Tests
A MRI was ordered of my Lubmar and Sacram with and without contrast. Once this was reviewed by Dr. Goldstein and his team--which includes Dr. Kim--a spinal surgeon--it was determined that I had a small annular tear in my L5-S1. This was a very small tear and a normal surgeon would never operate on me or consider it an issue.
Dr. Kim
I was then sent over to Dr. Kim who ordered me to get a Spinal Steroid only injection in my Right side L5-S1. If the theory was correct, I would have temporary relief of my sexual issues during the next 5-7 days, after the injection, and then be a candidate to have surgery to permanently fix the issue.
The spinal injection was done in July 2018 and was one of the most painful things I have ever gone though. However, within about 30 minutes I began to feel the inside of my leg different.
Over the next 5 days, my sexual anhedonia was completely gone and I noticed that my legs all felt differently than before.
This was short-lived, however, and is not meant to last for longer than 7 days. It wore off and so too did all the improvement I felt. I had another call scheduled with Dr. Kim and he said I would be a candidate to get a micro Laser back surgery LES or a microdiscectomy. Both outpatient procedures would do the same thing but only the microdiscectomy was covered under insurance.
Surgery and Recovery
Surgery was scheduled roughly a month later at a “outpatient surgery center” in San Diego, California. I arrived a day before surgery and had a pre-op appointment with Dr. Kim in his office. This was actually the first time I met Dr. Kim in person.
Surgery was performed the next day and requires a person to take care of you. You are not allowed to drive after surgery and you cannot lift anything over a few pounds. I wasn’t even able to lift a gallon of milk for the first month after surgery! I was also told to not take drugs like Ibuprofen 4 weeks prior to surgery and four at least 4 weeks after surgery.
Because surgery was performed in an outpatient facility, you are not expected to stay overnight.
We arrived to the specified facility very early in the morning and heading to our hotel roughly 5 or 6 hours later. Patients respond by either sleeping well or not sleeping well after surgery.
Unfortunately for me, I did not sleep well. Dr. Kim can prescribe you something for sleep if you want. Your response to anesthesia and the surgery may vary. Just know, if you do have issues sleeping, it will get better.
I was in pain for many days after surgery. However, I don’t think the surgery hurt as much as the steroid only spinal injection did. I was also on pain medicine like Percocet and Tramadol. These were requested by me because I don’t tolerate pain medicine well. Pain medicine is required to take for at least a few days after surgery. This is especially needed if you are traveling home. It is advised to take a less potent pain medicine as soon as possible after you get home. That is when I switched to Tramadol.
A side effect of pain medicine, for me, is it impacts my mood and can make me depressed. You also may be down because you can’t perform simple tasks immediately after surgery. I didn’t like how pain medicine made me feel and worked to get off all of it as soon as possible. I ceased taking all medicine around one and a half weeks after surgery.
A back brace is provided by Dr. Kim in your pre-op appointment and you are asked to use it for any significant traveling or moving about. Dr. Kim encourages his patients to be as active as possible. The more active you are, the better you will feel. I was walking down the halls of our hotel room several hours after having surgery. The day after surgery, I also slowly walked down a huge flight of stairs to go to the beach and eat at a favorite Taco place by the beach. For those curious, this place is called The Taco Stand and it is near a beach in Encinitas, California.
My surgery took place on a Tuesday morning. After one full day of rest and recovery, I had a post-op early on Thursday and we flew home later that afternoon. Traveling home on the plane was extremely difficult. I couldn’t lie down and had to stay in a very stationary position for a 3 1/2 hour plane ride from San Diego back home to the DFW airport in Texas. It is vital that you do not carry anything and your partnefriend will have to carry the load. You also will be moving EXTREMELY SLOW. Be patient. This is hard but you will feel better in the coming days.
Physical Therapy
After your surgery, you need to do some basic movements that Dr. Kim will advise you about. They recommend that you begin Physical Therapy after your surgery and will write you a prescription for this. You can then take it to a location of your choice. If you happen to reside near their offices, they can assist you in finding good locations for your Physical Therapy.
The purpose of Physical Therapy is to strengthen your “core” so you no longer need the use of a physical back brace and return to your normal activities. In my experience, the term “strengthen your core” varies by location. I ended up having the worst Physical Therapy possible. They questioned any pain I had by asking me “is that pain or discomfort?” I told them I was hurting and what did it matter. They said I was only hurting because the doctor had restrictions on me.
This was not true and I repeatedly told them this.
I think this location must handle a lot of Worker’s Comp cases and they are pushing people to just get back to work instead of looking at the individual situation. The exercises and stretches they had me do, caused me to experience a “flareup” to nerves that the surgery fixed every time I saw them.
Dr. Kim’s office says that flareups are a common thing. However, I didn’t experience any negative flareups during my recovery until I began physical therapy.
What Does a Flareup Do?
A flare up is a temporary inflammation of the nerves the back surgery fixed. For our cases, this has some bad side effects. The sexual sensation that was fixed starts getting worse. You may start feeling some aches and pains. These are nerve pains flaring up. For a regular flareup, you could have stood too long or done some sort of activity that caused this to occur. To fix this, you need to ice, rest, and do your correct Physical Therapy exercises. It will get better. When it does get better, all sexual sensation will also return to what it was before.
However, if you keep doing things that cause these flareups, it goes from a temporary flareup to something more intense and longer-lasting. I was in constant communication with both Dr. Kim and Dr. Goldstein about these flareups.
I ended up “firing” my Physical Therapy location and finding a new one who provided better care. Through their help I am strengthening my core, and slowly getting back to things I was doing before. I am a bowler and haven’t been able to bowl since the surgery. I can’t wait to get back to bowling and our current plan is to get me there in the near future.
A good Physical Therapist will listen to you. If you have pain or discomfort, let them know. They should adjust what you are doing so your nerves aren’t acting up. If they do act up, it is important to recognize what caused this and to adjust what you are doing. You will get back to your normal activities and normal routine. Just be patient and keep doing the exercises you are provided.
I have also worked with Dr. Goldstein and his Physical Therapy team, that works out of his office, to come up with a plan to provide exercises other patients can hand their individual therapists to have a strong foundation of things to try that should not cause major flareups. If your particular case leads you down this path, I hope you have much more information to have a better experience with Physical Therapy than I had!
Just remember--it is impossible to stop all flareups. This is going to happen during the healing and this can occur from possibly up to 6 months. These flareups should occur less often and be less severe as your body heals. Nerves are complicated and your body may respond differently than me. Just remember this is part of the healing and if you have the proper Physical Therapy in place and are being careful, you will get better. This is all part of the journey.
A Few Other Details
I tried to return to sexual activity a little less than a week. I was able to do this but pain medicine made it very difficult. However, pleasure had returned even in less than a week. As the days went by and pain medication was stopped, sexual pleasure was completely Pre-SSRI! The flareups caused some of this sensation to go away. But as flareups vanish, the sensation comes back just as strong.
I am now stable enough, have seen enough, and can be confident to state that I am 100% recovered through the use of surgery and managing other symptoms via medication.
Does this mean you have to get surgery? No, this is an optional thing even if you meet all the requirements of it. However, no drug fully can bring back sexual pleasure by itself. Surgery appears to be the only way if your tests all show it would work for you. To recap, let me go over the medication and tests/procedures I had done:
My Medication List
I strongly advise you to work under the care of a doctor who is trained in drugs. Only they can help you if you encounter any issues or have bad reactions to drugs. DO NOT TAKE ANY DRUG ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT THE GUIDANCE OF A DOCTOR.
Some of these drugs I plan to stay on and some of them I will work to taper off.
Testosterone Cypionate
HCG
Addyi
CBD Oil
Cialis
Anastrozole
Buspirone
Ropinirole
Tests
Doppler of genital area
Nerve Tests
Heat, Cold, and Vibration Tests
MRI of Lumbar and Sacram with and without contrast
X-Rays
Labs as needed to monitor the effectiveness of your treatment
Final thoughts
You may not believe in this story. You may not believe in my recovery. You may not believe that the spine could have anything to do with this. You may not feel the medication should work or will have lasting effects.
Guess what? if you are reading this and you have not been healed, you have no authority to argue or tell me what is right or wrong. I have been 100% healed from PSSD and I feel that gives me the authority to speak on this matter. If you find a way that brings complete healing to yourself, let’s have a conversation about it. The more viable and lasting options we have to help people, the better off everyone will be. Also, I do not believe anyone heals on their own. There is no “healing over time.” These stories are simply not true. People who claim this happens have only accepted what they are and have learned to live with it. There is nothing wrong with that route if you want to go that way.
I am not going to run away from the PSSD community. I am available to coach and mentor you through this process. This is a lengthy journey that takes a long time. You will not be fixed or healed overnight and your story may vary slightly from mine.
HOWEVER—I do think you can be healed of PSSD. I do think the best person in the world to get you there is Dr. Goldstein. He was the person that was instrumental to my healing. I have been to hell, walked through it, and lived to come out on the other side as a brand new person. I am a better man today than I was before PSSD and I would go through this again in order to be the person I am today.
You have hope and you can have healing. Please reach out to me and talk to me with questions or concerns.
I am in no way affiliated with or paid by Dr. Goldstein, Dr. Kim, any office they work for, or any drug or supplement company. I have paid out of pocket for every test, service, medication, or supplement I have taken. I have paid for airfare, rental cars, food, hotels, and all expenses while traveling to see Dr. Goldstein and surgery with Dr. Kim. I also have not received a discount for anything I have mentioned in exchange for speaking about it.
I have nothing to hide and you have nothing to lose except getting your life back. So don’t sit back and pretend you are better or hope for a better day. Don’t complain about healing and how nobody can fix this but never try what I did. Your story of healing can sit alongside of mine in the future.
Please let me know how I can lift you up in prayer on this journey. I don’t want any of you to suffer any longer.
submitted by MartinRead123 to pssdhealing [link] [comments]

2020.05.13 23:54 Goiira 9th anniversary of major life event coming up this fall. The most powerful experience I've ever had on this earth.

This will be long. Skip to the bottom and if you resonate read the entirety, please reply or PM me. I've had so few authentic validations for what I've experienced and little to none direct guidance in my spiritual journey.
BACKGROUND:
I was raised in Utah in the LDS religion (Culty off branch of Christianity). 6 older siblings and divorced parents from the age of 1. When I was very young I had an inquisitive mind and could think very abstractly at a young age. My mother consulted with a child psychologist on how she should approach my questions about reality because they were.. complex. Too simple of an answer and It wouldnt answer the question and cause me to become frustrated. Too complex of an answer and I would simply lack sufficient life experience to comprehend it.
The psychologist accused my mother of lying about my behavior and seeking personal validation. saying for how young I was "it was not possible to be thinking that way"
My mother was ecstatic to finally have a child who was sincerely interested in the more mystical and spiritual aspects of life. Although.. I hated going to church. I'm sure it was an intuitive knowing. (Not neccesarily referencing ALL religions. But if you know about the LDS church then well.. you just know)
When I was 13 (lucky number! Truly is a magical symbol) I began researching chakra's, meditation, making "chi balls" and using breathwork to move prana. Dial up internet was all there was and I remember just sitting there on google with a strong desire to find an answer to a question I didn't know how to ask. It would be a long while before I learned the word kundalini or discovered the Tao among many other sources of wisdom.
then of course began the juvenile initiation of challenging the status qoe. Became very rebellious and expiremented with drugs.
During Christmas break of my junior year of highschool we visited my sisters house for Christmas in Colorado. Because of my teenage rebeliousness, Instead of going directly home, we took a detour. I didn't know what was happening until I was already in the custody of a youth wilderness rehabilitation program.
I spent 7 weeks without technology (no flashlights, matches, plumbing, or even toilet paper!) We were on a vegetarian diet and mostly just hiked around. The culture there was phenomenal. Anasazi, was the name. And it was one of the best experiences of my life.
4 weeks in, I faced my shadow. Then I began focusing intensly on my heart Chakra everyday. 5th week in, I was a completely different person. (This occurred towards the end of January 2011) my heart Chakra was bursting! I experienced several powerful omens there. The most profound was hiking with a white butterfly on my left ring finger for several hours. (Symbols of transformation, and ring finger association with the nerve going directly to the heart)
For this awakening, I was gifted an honor name. "Amber-Heart of scarlet" by a very wise man whose trail name was (we all had one) "walks with the wind". A very intuitive soul.
A very intense form of happiness, peace, and fulfillment was found in the wilderness of Northern Arizona.
When I came home in February (missing my highschool sweethearts birthday, and valentines day) I felt like everything would be okay. I was wrong.
She thought I had abandoned her because she didn't get any of my letters. She made poor decisions and it caused us to be separated with no contact. Her family moved across the state pretty quickly and I was left with a void.
My opened heart, felt like it had been physically torn out of my chest.
Life... is probably just how we choose to respond to suffering. For we all will suffer. But suffering can make you bitter, can fuel your darkness or.. we can take it upon ourselves to learn how to heal. And to feel our pain reverently.
That summer was "one for the boys". Me dealing with heartbreak and other rites of passage. It was a good summer all things considering. Although in the background there was a foreboding sense of hopelessness. That is until..
THE EVENT: The last day of summer before my senior year of high school me and my close friend knew we had to go out with a bang. This would be the last day of a school summer we'd ever have. So we took a some mushrooms.
I wanted to explore the realm of consciousness while utilizing the tools I had been developing for the last 4 years. Through focusing intensley on my on my 6th chakra. Trying to open it the same way I opened my heart. I meditated on it for 20-40min. Gathering prana there. I felt a very gentle pop. Like smoke coming out of a bubble in the middle of my brain outwards. A cool little sensation but I was excited for an epiphany or a grand insight.
I was not prepared for what I recieved.
5 hours later. Me and 2 friends were in a garage relaxing, smoking and Conversing. I must of felt tired, or I'm not sure. But for some reason I found myself with my eyes closed sitting on the chair.
When suddenly, almost out of nowhere. I saw an incredibly bright flash of light, like.. literally saw a bright flash (my eyes were closed). But the "light" was filled with information. It was like.. a picture, of a thousand pictures. Concepts unfolding like Russian dolls all happening instantaneously.
I saw duality. I saw yin-yang. I honestly barely remember because I was so caught up in trying to capture the experience into words, for a fear that I would forget it. Yet, the more I tried to cram it into language the more incomprehensible it became.
So I calmed down and tried to just let my mind ponder upon it.
This time I VISUALIZED. Myself as a ball of light. A consciousness, moving through space-time. With the unique ability to choose what experiences I wanted. BAM instant cure for depression. Life suddenly became incredibly simple and profound. I would visualize what I wanted. And then I would follow the "path" through spacetime to experience that desire. Whether it be longboarding 10 miles away to see some friends, or spending 2 hours working with leather to weave a bracelet. There were no limitations. There weren't even obstacles. There was just a mathematic equation of how badly you want something vs how hard it is to get it. And for some reason, my desires became incredibly pure.
I remember longboarding home for 2 hours and using my hands instead of feet because I was so tired. But I was HAPPY. I was always moving towards a space-time I desired. Which is much more harmonious than fearing the reality that you don't want.
Suddenly I was happy ALL the time. It was pure nirvana. Pure bliss. I didn't care about drugs, I didn't care about sex. I was just.. overjoyed. I was in this afterglow state for about a week. For the first time I was ecstatic to wake up early and go to school. To do all tasks to the best of my ability. Ideas, thoughts, concepts, philosophies poured into my consciousness on the constant. I learned how to be fully present, and ENJOY the presence. I was suddenly uninhibited, outgoing and confident. It was like Anasazi, but a higher mountain peak all together.
I influenced the emotions of others around me to the extent that I was magnetic. People wanted to be around me! And that was new cause I've always been a loner, never having a constant friend group. Synchronicities occurred extremely frequently I was amazed at the miracle of life.
We played volleyball in P.E and I was VERY competitive. I dove for the ball. I scraped my knees and made them a bit bloody, but I was having FUN. Fully immersed in the moment. But the other kids. They wanted to act "cool" like they didn't really care. I just didn't care about what they thought or not.
Except.. i was acting unusual. I was breaking away from the herd, i was standing out. And NOBODY had ever tried that hard in that teachers P.E class. And that teacher never saw the happy version of me. Only the shy depressed version.
They were suspicious I was abusing drugs. The cops were called. I got called up to the front desk of school. And detained by 4 police officers.
I felt I had just reached Mount Olympus, and finally could walk forward and have success in life. And now, it was topling over. I was falling back into subjugation. Fear washed over me and through me. I knew that I needed to feel it, let it pass through. Not to resist it. Or repress it. I knew that I had this power of reflection within me. That, this negative dark pit, would serve as a vector point for me to experience an equal version of positive light skys.
And then reality cracked. I think it was the fear response that was the catalyst for a psychosis, perhaps fight or flight? Adrenaline. Maybe I opened my 3rd eye, and fear caused my awareness to travel to the reptilian brain. Either way. Reality started to warp and bend and this was entirely a new experience for me.
I felt like I was sending out SOS signals energetically when suddenly a man in plain clothes opened the police car door and said "Would you rather ride with me?"
Uhh.. duh! Most definitely. His energy was much more harmonious than the police officers. I got in his plain white sedan (pretty sure I was still cuffed. I'm not sure..) and he drove me to AT. A juvenile holding facility, DT is where you go when you get sentenced. I was just staying there until I was released to my mother.
He was the facility director. Which is why he had authority to transport me. Still.. a bit unusual no?
His name sounded eerily similar to WEST. and I began to think of him as the personification of the direction and symbol. The GOD OF WEST. he definitely wasn't a wicked witch lol. He knew about chakra's and we talked about the heart Chakra and how he believes his in his "life of the heart". I no longer felt fear. I was happy, yet again.
He could tell I was acting a little strange and asked if I had done LSD. (my mind registered that question as "have you EVER done lsd"
So I replied "yes"
So the rest of the day he thought I was just tripping on LSD. and I was "tripping" just not off any drugs. Which made it more confusing to me. If I didn't take any mind altering substances then how could I be experiencing altered states of mind..
I did have full blown hallucinations though. Vivid ones. One of the AT rooms was a bright pink carpeted girls room. With a double bunkbed and the girl inside was being punished, so she was made to clean this room. She didn't want to, and I found it odd that she was being punished in a way that actually benefitted her and she was upset! Its like gettijg punished for rolling in the mud by getting a nice hot soapy shower. I thought it was odd.
However
I KNEW that what I was seeing wasn't real. But then.. how was I seeing it? And why? That I didn't understand. She was really in there cleaning, but the room was not pink. And it was not a permanent girls room.
I thought that the flies we had to kill were "manifestations of negative energy" and we had to constantly clean our environment, energetically. Or that West had 7 wives, one from each continent, and I needed 7 wives as well.
All these delusional thoughts had very strong symbolic and metaphorical meanings that I later integrated. 7 wives I assume was related to the chakras. Kundalini must marry each chakra to reunite with Shakti in the celestial marriage in the crown chakra. Each chakra is a gatekeeper. And when kundalini reaches them. POWERFUL life lessons and tests are doled out.
I felt i could do anything with an open mind, i just needed to let myself be teachablel. I would let not only my elders teach me, but also the tree's and the wind. I realized so much of our reality is an illusion. Most fences do not keep anyone out. Anyone can hop over. But the fence is a psychological barrier. The physical form is a symbol of that. And many people without thinking recognize that symbols. "Oh i need to stay out of there"
Except the FENCE is an illusion because it alone can't keep anyone out. our beliefs in limitation is what limits us. So what are the illusions we have about ourselves? I started to see these things increasingly as metaphor and symbol, And their direct connection to the esoteric symbols I've been studying.
At one point I was walking by a farm. And the big sprinklers were going. I would catch a glimmer of a rainbow and thought. "Follow the rainbow to the end" so I followed it. The mist soon surrounded me and the most curious thing happened.
The rainbow became a circle, there was no end to the rainbow, but the pot of gold? Why what was that in the center? It was a reflection of the sun itself! A mirage of the sun with a rainbow around it. What metaphor did this teach me in that moment?
I was the gold. My soul was the treasure at the "end" of a rainbow. Now walking out of the field soaking wet.. i didn't like walking in worn out. Nasty, smelly, and now wet shoes. So.. i kicked them off and walked barefoot. I didnt even bring them back. I just threw them away right there. And it felt so liberating! (Although I did where black socks as a makeshift shoe just to keep my feet clean.
Another really strange thing happened. At one point was wondering around trying to get to school but the bus schedule didn't make any sense because I just couldn't comprehend time anymore. So, I kept missing it. So finally I got frustrated and stuck my thumb out (this was a small suburban town) And a few moments later im picked up by this old beat up car thats missing a radio. Some college kid who I qoute "likes to drive around at lunch time and offer rides to those who need them" he had a very feminine aura which I associated with the color blue. Was he the divine feminine manifested out of thin air to aid me? Fuck if i know, but I know exactly how crazy that sounds.
Its like he spawned out of thin air. My logical brain just says, well, law of attraction and there's such diversity in human beings that maybe he does just enjoy helping people out when he can. But there's another side, that speculates.. its all just too perfect of a coincidence. Especially when I was in such a high vibrational state.
I noticed if I was too hot outside, in that moment I would plead/desire/ almost ask internally but not quite, and suddenly a very cooling breeze would manifest right when I was focused on the heat the most. Idk I experiened ALOT of little things like that.
Anyway, I show up to school late so I had to be signed in with a slip. But the lady at the desk had hundreds of thousands of dollars on her desk and she was rolling them up. I felt "tempted" to grab the money and run. But.. I had a very strong suspicion that it was a test. Yet here's the thing. I KNEW the money wasn't real. And honestly didn't really care about materialism that much anymore. I really didn't care for much else than the joy of being alive and watching life unfold.
I also remember starting to get the "i am christ" thought pattern. Didn't know about christ consciousness yet, but started to wonder if people saw me as christ. I however rejected the ego trip and knew I wasn't here to be "the christ to die for all mankind"
Also, I would step on very thorny weeds barefoot, confident they wouldn't harm me. And they didn't. And a few people who saw it were astonished that I wasn't getting "pricked".
Maybe a smaller version of firewalking? Idk It wasn't about how great am I that "I" cannot be hurt. It was more. "Awe your such a cute lil plant and you know I don't judge you as being a mean weed. I TRUST that you won't hurt me.
The phenomenon of mother nature not harming me where sometimes she harms others. Popped up alot.
Respecting the mother was also a HUGE download. Your real mother, the divine mother. Its like the Tibetans believe. All mothers, are your mother in one of your reincarnations.
Anyway, I existed in this altered state for roughly 30 days. Which led to multiple hospitalizations, a whole shitload of pharmaceuticals and a near death experience from dehydration in the mountains of park city Utah.
During this experience I remeber comprehending very clearly that the human body is a blueprint, a map, built into its structure. How this map, points from the base of the spine upwards. How each organ is placed in a certain order and fashion to promote this blueprint. This pathway. This guide. A living scripture. A breathing testament. And it was just so... obvious. (Probably a 3rd eye thing)
Reality kept cracking around me though. I was supposed to go camping with my family. Instead of packing actual useful items I packed DVD's and crystals/stones. I thought I was going to be joining my soul tribe. And they exist. In the past. And I was bringing them the gifts from my journey.
So.. yeah, i end up at my dad's house, acting a bit strangely. We're gonna leave in the morning. We'll we put on a movie. "A river runs through it" and i noticed something.. the interplay of two aspects. The dance of yin and yang. The two brothers are each an aspect of yin and yang (Brad pitt was yang) and its a constant interplay of push and pull.
I saw this pattern EVERYWHERE. Playing out in different ways yet... in the exact same way..
I stayed up all night and then left the house at 5am.
I had gone about 30-40hrs without sleep and 27 hrs without food or water , the last 14 were spent heavily hiking (sometimes running) in the heat of the sun. From 5am to 7pm. In the mountains of park city. I went into a bit of a deluirem from dehydration. So I was pretty far gone. I was initially trying to walk through the portal of the sun.. yeah..
However I did see myself returning to "my people" my brothers, my family, my tribe. And there was a length of time as well. A 10,000 year journey.. and i still don't know what that means. Maybe nothing.
I also could visualize myself, and feel myself as imbued with the essence of a wolf. Like.. i was a human. But very strongly felt the wolf totem within my being. Like I was wolf who had evolved to a human, and now possess all the intelligence, language, emotion etc of a human. (Had zero desire to eat people lol so don't worry)
I was so exhausted I laid down in a pile of leaves. If I would of fallen asleep there. I would of died no doubt. But I heard two men walking nearby.
"What's he doing?" "He's pretending to be a tree again" "Well throw a rock at him"
I wasnt afraid, I wasn't startled. But suddenly and without thinking I jumped up and started full sprinting! (I believe the "rock" is what Robert Monroe defines as a ROTE. A ball of energetically charged information. And the rock said "run!")
Lol it probably saved my life. Cause I wondered on a bit and then gave up, sat down and started counting down from 100. I was visible from a road from that exact spot.(Somehow I heard the police talking about me even tho they were incredibly far away. All my senses were incredibly heightened. (Probably from the dehydration)
After getting an IV and a quart of water put in my blood im taken on the ambulance to the emergency room. I remember hearing an odd phrase, "you don't want to supernova like last time do you" Like last time?.. am I a star? Is there a quantum connection with my body on earth and a star in the universe? Hmm.. all I know is they were stabilizing my physical vessel and it felt good.
I heard a girl screaming in the curtain over. They were going to take her to salt lake city behavioral mental health. I wasn't sure if "she" was really there. But the pain in her voice was wrenching. I wanted to save her. It sounded like to her it was the worst place on earth. And she had been there before..
That's where I stayed for the next week.
A 40 min drive strapped to a gurney with a police officer. The same police officer that had assaulted me. Slamming my neck down on a gurney when I started asking questions about what was going on. When we got to the hospital, they told him to leave, and he become irate and cussed at them. Like... super weird Why was he even there? I didn't get a criminal charge.
That hospital was more like requiem of a dream. It was hell. I was an unconcious zombie the first two days because I was brought in with an iv already attached and they drugged me as we got on the elevator.
I literally started "coming too" and realizing I was walking around and being told to sit and watch TV, or shower, or walk to the mess hall for food. Very low, dark energy was here. I felt that the divine feminine was being.. extracted here. Was being raped. Maybe not literally.. but then again.. weird things were happening.
I was given several expired sleeping pills at night, but then was too paranoid to sleep, so I started going further into deliriums. Psychoactive compounds are the LAST thing you want to be taking when you're going through a spiritual awakening or transformation.
Two things led to my release. My dad was on the phone with the head doctor who did my intake. The call "ended" but my dad could still hear the dr. And he preceeded to talk down about my father to the other people in the room. Namely that he was an idiot. My father is a civil engineer and can talk circles around anyone. This enraged him.
Plus my mom is a nurse and asked for paperwork that layman's usually don't know about. And they crossed several ethical boundaries, especially since I had showed up after being in a deliurem from dehydration.
when she found out what they had done. She freaked out so hard on them that they finally released me. My parents had tried multiple times to release me or transfer me, but somehow, there was a bureaucratic process involved that thwarted their attempts. Which was weird because i was a minor and hadnt commited any crimes, was never charged with a crime. And my parents just wanted me at a closer facility. Not a state hospital that felt like a prison. My father said the insurance company NEVER got a bill for my week stay there. So.. definitely something sketchy going on. My mom thinks that for a day or two while I was there. There license had expired, and if they would of been hit with ANY type of lawsuit it would of ended really badly for them.
There's WAY too much to add to this post about everything I experienced. So feel free to ask more questions if you want more info.
After that hospital, I spent time with my father and outwardly acted Normal while inwardly I was still in wonderland. At one point I believed me and my father were in the spirit world and as we stopped to eat food, Our bodies on earth were still traveling in the car. I thought my father was God omnipotent, and he accidentaly made a copy of himself and i was disrupting his creation with my own power of creation. And I don't think him misprounouncing the medication I was given post hospital release, as "ability" instead of "abilify" helped with my delusions of granduer.
I also believed I was merging with the power and essence of God. And the Supreme God head. But i resisted. That weight was HEAVY. To be the source of all things, constantly? For everything? I didnt want it. But it felt like.. a mission was being thrust upon my shoulders.
Maybe you need to not want the power of kundalini to be worthy of it? (Like a king who doesn't want to be king usually makes the best kings!)
I saw a lot of weird multiverse stuff, (like parallel versions of myself) and things that I was pretty sure weren't real. Like a man wearing gloves, a hoody and a mask stand right next to me at the store and put a gallon of milk under his sweater.. like... that couldn't of been real. That's literal insane human behavior.
Now, concept of time didn't make any sense at all during this whole experience. I was living in the 4th or 5th dimension. I spent an eternity in an evening and another eternity in the morning.
I was functioning tho. I was working out so I would be tired, I was doing schoolwork packets. Helping my dad with his work. Its just.. sometimes i thought I needed to "pay" the old man sitting in the waiting lobby with prana energy in order to get the oil changed on my dads truck.
People that looked low on energy would "tap" their foot, really slowly. Like once every 2 seconds. Psychologically to me. It felt like a energetic tugging. And it was irritating. The moment I breathed energy through my being and projected it towards these people. They would just leave! Like.. they wouldn't interact with the cashier, or take a phone call. It was creepy. I don't think they were aware that they were in such desperate need for energy that they couldn't produce their own anymore.
Maybe I was delusion.. thats up to you dear reader. But this experience has been a one time occurrence. I've never had a repeat of these types of experiences. Yet... hopefully... but just maybe with more balance and control.
My parents got increasingly worried from me just acting strangely and decided I needed another hospital. This time a good one. There they took me off all medication and gave me melatonin for sleep.
I started to realize that I had a bunch of energy oscillating in my upper chakras. And needed to "ground it down". So I started doing breathwork and gounding yoga and meditation visualization.
And then boom
I was back. Full awareness of what had happened. What was erratic behavior and what was sane. Could differentiate between my own imagination/thoughts and objective reality. Had total logical functioning back. But had learned ALOT. About myself, being a human, the nature of well.. natural reality. That moment and for the next few weeks I have never ever felt so elated. I felt empowered, I was calm, yet very confident, clear headed, sharp witted, competent. I felt strong. I felt like a man. Well, I felt like a warrior of energy. A shaman king.
AFTERWARDS:
Since I would turn 18 in 3 months. About 10 "professionals" advised my parents that once I'm 18 they can no longer have me committed against my will. So they better do something with the time they have left..
luckily, my father asked me if i wanted to go to this residential facility. which I didn't. And he felt like it wouldn't be too helpful anyway. He was always a smart guy. But I relented because I felt.. it would make everyone feel better if I did. It could calm their FEAR. Anyway, I described the emotion as "leaving a beautiful cabin in the woods, to go on long perilous journey across a vast valley while the sky darkens overhead."
I spent 3 months in a residential facility (polar opposite of the wilderness camp) they sucked the very soul out of me. I regressed emotionally back to age 13, came out of there suicidal af, bottled with hurt and anger. Extremely depressed, numb. Low self esteem. Low self worth. Zero will power, little motivation. Life was grey again. Life was.... a drag barely worth living.
All the beautiful things I had learned. I could no longer comprehend. I could understand them as intellectual concepts (like be here now, love vs fear etc etc). But I no longer embodied them. Things got so bad, even my hand eye coordination was lost while I was in that facility. I have a natural talent for sports and healthy competition. But there i would stumble over my own feet during "excersise" time.
I was attacked emotionally for being inauthentic because I told the truth from day one and let myself be vulnerable. But all the kids that go there literally are forced against their will. They wake up in their bed with 2 macho men ready to escort them to the facility. So when I show up and bare my soul raw to them faults and all. Attempting to use this 3 months to actually further my growth They accuse me of lying and manipulating them. Which just caused me to shut down more and more.
That place taught me a great deal about how to not give up your power, but also, what the true cost is if you do.
EPILOGUE?
So anyway, my life has been rocky since then.. Almost every year since then. With highs and lows. Happiness and depression. Its almost been like I had intense bi polar but each episode would last several months at a time.
I never hurt anyone, never became violent or threatening, but through all this I learned one thing. My happiness is like fire, and it scares people. Mostly to those who don't want to look at their own illusions, and so desperately try to control me so I don't shatter my own.
I've gone through ALOT of healing. Delved Deep into the pain in my heart and just held that space.
This August/September will be my 9th year anniversary of this experience. I've been waiting for another spontaneous like thrusting of kundalini power, and I've been doubtful. Is it really worth the practice? I had friend claim to go into a psychosis purely from sexual transmutation. It's been over a year and he still feels like he hasn't recovered.
But I didn't need to recover from the psychosis. I only needed to recover from the mental abuse I suffered while in the residential facility. Took about 4 months until I was sort of close to where I was at anasazi. But I've NEVER felt as amazing as I did those few weeks after the 2nd hospital. It felt like a victory.
I don't believe I was just "crazy" because its not a chronic issue I deal with. I've never full blown hallucinated like that, no auditory ones either. Plus I've taken WAY more psychadelics. And a bunch of different kinds too. So its not that my mind is unstable.
I either opened ajna, or stirred kundalini or both.
Either way, I travelled the Astral realm while embodied and found my way back.
Sometimes I get super interested in trying to raise kundalini because whatever this process is, it doesn't feel complete. It feels.. like the process got halted. Got sidetracked, was sabatoged. Or thwarted by bad energy or environments
But I'm not obsessive about it. I just want change. I want my life to change. But I also want myself to change. It seems.. i change constantly, but yet, I'm always stuck in the same nature. I keep trying to overide my nature, be the captain of my vessel but then I get stuck in the same ruts. Idk if kundalini will help with that. But its a struggle dealing with myself because well.. I'm stubborn hahaha.
I've tried sleep hypnosis, NLP, affirmations, breathwork, juice feasts, mantra's, etc and I'm just not having then "thing" occur. Its frustrating.
I don't really have a question. Just looking for an answer idk how to ask. This event is on my mind quite a bit. Its just.. so odd. So unusual. Especially to western ideaology.
My experience greatly resembles kundalini psychosis. Definitely what can happen when a novice plays with advanced esoterics. But what's next? Is my damaged kundalini experience just that? Damaged? Could it possibly been a vision of when I will have a complete kundalini rising in the future?
TL;DR I delved into esoteric and spirituality at a very young age. And later used tried to use shortcuts to act as a catalyst for my spiritual growth, went into a clinical psychosis for 30 days which I believe was more so a spirit voyage. Yet resulted in several hospitalizations and a near death experience from exposure/dehydration. Came back to reality, never had another similar episode, and this fall will be the 9 year anniversary.
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