65th birthday toasts for mom

Long time lurker, first time poster here!
I’ve decided to reach out for advice here as I’m in between therapy appointments and don’t have anyone outside my family who has familiarity with this situation.
For context, I (27m) have lived with my amazing fiancé (27m) outside of my family’s house for about 2 years now.
I grew up with an alcoholic/addict father, who was in and out of recovery for most of my life. He’s doing OK now, however, my mother has become the alcoholic. Growing up, my mother was constantly trying to manage my father’s addiction, and has become very insecure and controlling. Over the past 5 years, my mother has began drinking heavily, which leads her to lash out at everyone in the family household. She has hit me, screamed at me, treated me horribly to the point where police have been called. Our relationship has only survived due to me moving out (an uphill battle in itself) and myself being diagnosed with CPTSD and finding a great therapist. Currently working on boundaries.
They all live together - my mother, father, grandmother, and my brother with his wife and 2 children. My brother hates my mom, and has told me so on many occasions - he says the only reason he lives there is because they are wrapped up in the mortgage. My mother has amassed debt due to online gambling, which is stressing them out. I’ve been doing my best to stop placing peacemaker and focus on my own life.
However, I often have to return for family events like weddings and birthdays (despite my mom wanting me to be there every weekend). I love seeing my grandmother and my niece and nephew, who I love as if they were my own kids, however I feel very sad when I go. My mother will get the children to grab her beers while she gambles, my cousins will say inappropriate things and “trick” the kids because they think it’s funny, and everyone is depressed because of my mother’s negative influence. Honestly, I’m the only one who is going to therapy and lives away from the house.
The problem is, I’m finding when I’m not even there, I worry immensely about my other family members - especially my niece and nephew who are still under 10 years old. I worry about what’s being said around them, if they’re seeing anything traumatizing, if my mom is making people anxious and sad. I trust their parents to a degree, but I’ve often seen them just let the kids wander around the house four hours with no supervision. Sometimes it feels like I wish I could just be their parent to make sure they have a happy and healthy environment.
Has anyone else felt this way when not living at home, and if so, what helped you move past it? I keep telling myself I’m not their parent, and sometimes I feel like maybe I’m trying to protect them in a way I never felt protected as a kid.
TL;DR: Living away from the family but still feeling the need to make sure everything is under control and the kids are looked after. Any advice?

First heartbreak at 26 y/o how to deal with it
After spending a few days working on this, there has been some progress. So, to summarize: I've been dating this girl for 9 months. About a month ago, I confessed my love for her, but she didn't say it back, instead expressing affection in other ways. A couple of weeks later, she sort of ghosted me for a weekend, apologized, and we had a conversation. During that conversation, I went to her place seeking comfort because one of my friends had passed away. That's when she mentioned she wasn't sure about continuing the relationship because our feelings weren't on the same level. We agreed to give it another month, and that week was amazing. However, now she's ghosting me again, but for a longer period. We talked on Monday, but this time, I've been feeling limited in what I can say. I haven't reached out since, and it's been radio silence. She mentioned that her grandmother in the UK is getting worse and she's been reconsidering our relationship. She's been dismissive lately. I've been working every day for the past two months and doing therapy for a few weeks. I've lost 40 pounds due to a lack of appetite, but I'm coping. Physically, I'm getting stronger, but mentally, it's tough. I'm tempted to send a voice note just to check in and let her know I'm here. I've done a lot for her, like making her birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Christmas special, and she was good to me at some point. I feel like I'm spiraling.
On the bright side, I've been doing well for myself. I recently styled an MLB player, got sponsored, and was interviewed for Style Canada, but I still can't find happiness.
During therapy on Monday, I was crying and asked my therapist for advice. She couldn't tell me what to do, but she suggested I block her on TikTok and Instagram, where she often posted about her social life, which made it harder for me to move on because she’d be shaking ass and partying while I’m here crying and it felt like she was trying to get into competition with me since she wants to start taking content creation seriously and I have a big following already I offered help but she declined
The reason it's been hard for me to let go is because she showed me how to have fun and be myself. We went to many concerts and had late-night adventures together. She was also my first sexual partner at 26 years old and the first girl to make my birthday special.
Blocking her felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders, and it feels like life is just beginning now.
The last time we talked was on Wednesday when I saw her. She barely kissed me and wasn't "feeling it." I even got her food and flowers (I kinda over did the flowers I get her flowers every month or so) said she was meeting a guy friend looked excited and I felt jealous because she’s avoiding dates with me and etc. She said she'd try on a dress I made for her that night but later messaged me saying she was going to bed because she finished her tasks late. I said okay and left it to her to message me, but I haven't heard from her yet.
I was the first guy to meet her mom and she met my family and it’s just one day she went cold turkey. Said she got love for me but not in love with me and thought she would be “dulu” and also said that since she never been in a relationship she has nothing to base it off of (which I didn’t buy) she also said that came from a broken home and can’t give me what I want but at the beginning she said could (I want what my parents have, they been together for 35+ years strong faith humans)
How do you guys handle this?

Okay, so this is going to be a long one. I (31F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 13 years, going on 14 years. We married young. I was 17, and he was 19. (Yes, I know that's crazy young) My husband, i will call him (" hubs " in this post) has 2 brothers. I will refer to his brothers as ( "John" and "zack"). Hubs is the oldest of the three boys. Zack is the second oldest brother (26 M), and John is the youngest brother (24M).
For years, I have had issues with zack. He has continually bullied me in the past. I used to have a lazy eye (I've had surgery to correct it), and he would make fun of it. Asking me which eye i was looking at him with. I have 3 kids, and before I started working again, he made a recommendation to me while having him as a guest at my home.. the recommendation was that I get up and give my chair to my husband so he can sit and relax because he "actually works." As a teen ( he was 17ish), he shoulder checked me (HARD) into a brick wall while I was pregnant with my second daughter. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I lived with my in-laws for a while, and he would make up lies about me to "get his way" with his parents. Stupid lies. Like I was hogging the TV remote, or I was being "mean" to him. Because he is their child and they did not know me well, of course they believed him. Since then, it's been non-stop little things. And jokes that are very distasteful and inappropriate. (No im not a karen these jokes were concerning sex or race and he would say them around my young children) (they are no longer allowed around zack without me or hubs present due to this issue) These things continued to happen up till about 3 or 4 years ago.
My husband's family has regular family gatherings. For every holiday, and in-between the holidays birthdays. For YEARS, I have continued to go despite me being uncomfortable. I respect Hubs mom and grandmother a lot. I also have a good relationship with them. So, to keep the peace, I just dealt with it. That is until my 30th birthday. I then decided that I wouldn't sacrifice my peace on every holiday ect to make someone else happy. So I told my husband's mom that I would only be attending 1 or 2 a year because I no longer wanted to be put in uncomfortable situations.
Zack found out about this. I'm assuming his parents told him. He called and apologized to me. Altho I do forgive him. I don't trust him. So I still don't go much. (Also, zack had been a lot better... untill now)
Rewind a bit..
Now to the SIL Zack got married a few years ago. We will call his now wife "jan" (24F). Jan is 3 months older than the youngest brother John. Despite my distaste for zack, I have tried to keep the peace with Hubs' family. I didn't want to be the cause of family issues. So when I found out about Jan, I had her and zack over. The first time I met Jan, she "scoffed" at me. I joke around with hubs a lot. I call him "baby daddy." We were standing in my kitchen, and I said, "Hey baby, Daddy, can you hand me my drink?" she looks over and scoffs and rolls her eyes at me. Again.. this is our first meeting and we are in MY house. As time passes, she does this quite often. A few years ago, I got breast augmentation, and I was honest about it. I didn't hide it. After three kids and breastfeeding, I wanted to love my body again, and I felt I needed to normalize things like this. (Also, I didn't get them huge.. not that it would matter if I did but for context in 5'4 145 lbs my bottom half is "thicker" so dr said larger implants would "even me out" i got DD's and they do look Portionate) Well I was passing zack and Jan at hubs grandmother's house I over heard them laughing about it. (I don't remember their exact words) Then after that, I found out from other family members that she was going around talking bad about me and my augmentation behind my back.
After that happened, my children went to my mother in laws house. ( zack and Jan moved next door to them), and Jan went to MIL house with her four-wheeler. Then Jan and FIL let my (at the time 11 year old) son get on without an adult with no prior experience and without our knowledge and with no gear. He drove it around the property. I found out about this, and hubs spoke to his parents and let them know that we were not comfortable with that. I called Jan and politely told her that we don't like him on things like that by himself. (My hubs best friend died on something similar when he was 15) and asked that the next time she would call to ask, and maybe we could at least get protective gear for it. She snapped at me and wouldn't let me finish my statement, and with an attitude said "okay I get it, you're the parent," and hung up.
Following this there was also a family wedding that she was very rude at. John got married to a lovely and sweet girl. I will call her lisa. Mine and jans kids were both hin johns and lisas' wedding. So we were in the room with lisa and the bridesmaids. Jan was so rude that the bridesmaids in the wedding noticed. However, Im really close to John and really do see him as my brother. So I kept my mouth shut and held it together because I didn't want to start anything on his wedding day.
Fast forward to now
We recently had a family get-together. I don't go often, as i stated above. But I haven't seen the family in a while (and I am really close to them) so I decided to go. Zack was working, so he wasn't there, but Jan and her two kids were. Lisa and I talked for a while (we are close and get along great!) then I talked to the rest of the family a bit. Jan walked past me and said hi, so to keep things cordial, I smiled andnsaid hi. But that's all I said to her while I was there. When I left, I hugged everyone goodbye (not jan).
A while later, I got a phone call from another family member saying that zack called them ranting about how jan told him i was mean to her. How I didn't hug her goodbye and accusing me of trying to "steal lisa." (Like you can steal a human being 🤦🏻‍♀️) Then zack told this family member that if I continued, he was going to go back to his "old ways."
I'm taken aback by this. I do not want a relationship with zack or Jan because I don't think they are good people. They have both been constant drama and just distasteful. Zack had gotten better, but now this... and still... Why would I want a relationship with them. Or go out of my way to physically hug someone who is hateful to me? Also, i don't even go to most of the family gatherings. How am I trying to steal the other sister in law? Lisa and I hung out outside of the family because we bonded. I even spoke at their wedding. This was already known information. Why would it be weird that I talk to her? I get that jan may feel left out, but in my opinion, you can't make your bed out of rocks and then be upset that it's not comfortable... why should i once again have to make myself uncomfortable to please her? Or them? Jan claims that she just wants a relationship with me (she didn't tell me this. She told another family member)(and this was the same day she and zack call a different family member to rant about how mean i am), but i think she just likes playing games. Because if she did, she wouldn't treat me the way she continues to. (Also, I'm not the only one who notices the way she has treated me) I think she wants to be a victim 🤷🏻‍♀️ Most of the other family members understand my POV. But some think I should "give her a chance," but i do not understand the logic of jan and zack. And i do not have a desire to have any form of a relationship with them.
AITA For not wanting to involve myself with her and her husband? What do I do? If I don't go to any family functions, I'm letting them control me. So I'm definitely not doing that, but what other options are there?
Also, NOTE- My husband hates zack and Jan. He is on my side with this. Also, sorry for any typos. I wanted a biased opinion on this, and I'm about to have to leave for work, so I typed fast 😅

hey, this is my first reddit post and i'll try to be as precise as possible and not prolong this too much.so sorry for grammar mistakes or if this seems chaotic i really don't know where else to turn.
so it all started before i was born. my mom is a woman raised where i was raised as well and my dad came from a country near by due to war. my mom was raised by an abusive mom (my abusive grandma) and by an absent dad(my grandpa was working a lot in the US). my dad was raised by okish parents, his dad died of lung cancer which is a thing my dad never overcame, and my grandma was a teacher who was strict but my dad has a lot of siblings so i guess they managed.
my mom has a brother who is older then her and is a successful businessman. my dad is the oldest of them 4, and is a teacher as well.
my mom and dad met bc of my dad being a teachers assistant and my mom going to his lessons. he is 7 yrs older then my mom so its not as weird as it sounds. eventually they started dating and got me in March of 2000. they divorced in 2006. officially, and were not together since 2004.
so early on i was in care of my abusive mom. she was emotionally and physically abusive from my first memory since 2014. when i decided to run away from "home" forever. i never had a place to call home. my moms place was always cluttered and i could not get any privacy o relax for a second or she would loose her shit. she was diagnosed with depression and cancer in 2017. and that crushed her to a spiraling depression and led me to be forever scared. my mom was so abusive that i had to put foundation on to cover bruises when i was 9 or 10. she called me a slut, garbage, a failure, a bitch etc. all of that stuck to me till this day. i was a straight A student but if i were to get B or god forbid B- i was punished in front of my friends, my relatives or at home. NOBODY SEEMED TO CARE. but everybody knew.
my dad had a very good job at the time. he had quite a bit of money so he'd send some to my mom to spend on me but now remembering i cant say that i remember her spending that amount on me. also i had no concept of money. i was a child. then i hit the age of 10\11 and developed some idea that this was not normal. so every time my mom would harm me i would find a way to call my dad and be crying and begging him to come and get me. i loved my dad the most back then. he would always brush it off or say we'll go to grandmas this weekend but it was only Wednesday so will i survive till then? but it didnt matter i trusted that man with my life.
and so after endless sleepless nights (thats why im short btw) and the never ending abuse, my dad would randomly show up and pick me up from like kinder garden or school like a was some kind of a cute lil pet. and not just that! he would buy me that one thing i wanted as all kids i think at least, have that one thing they like. so he'd buy it for me. and we would go to Mc Donalds since my mom forbid me that kind of food (i was a model and played flute so i ate only small amount of usually boiled rice and fish). so based on all this my dad was a superhero. i loved that man so much.
i forgot to mention but, i was in a mental institution since my dads wife is a doctor and a bitch so she thought it was a good idea to lock me up with seriously dangerous kids and make me stay there for 20 days till it was claimed that i am ok, just has a teenage behavior. i think i will never forgive them for that. im not sure but i think it was 2016.
until October of 2014. i decided to end this vicious cycle. my mom was hitting me and i had enough. i punched back. hard. and i ran through that door like my dad did and never looked back. mom and dad were looking for me for the whole night since i didnt grab my phone while all this was happening. i didnt care. i was with a guy who ended up to be the love of my life and would be killed by his friend in 2018.
after all of this i started to realize i was not small and vulnerable as i was before. so i started to live on the streets. i didnt eat, sleep or shower at home. sometimes i would sleep in front of peoples doors in buildings. i started to fail school. and again it was all my fault. my whole life was my fault. always.
one day my dad had enough since he was always looking for me and not sleeping. so he decided to put me in a campus while im in high school. thats not rly common over here btw. so i went. and i was mad since 150km from my hometown was a lot and my bf(that dude i talked abt already) was in jail so i felt like i was in jail too. i was bullied a lot. and s/harassed. my parents have no idea abt this tho.
so 2018. rolles up. my mom has survived cancer, my dad is proud cuz i graduated and everything seems to be fine. but it rly wasnt. as i mentioned my bf was k!lled that summer(a few days before his birthday) so i was completely alone now. i had some relationships but they didnt matter at all. i was and maybe still am, dead inside.
after that summer i came back to my hometown. this time my dad has planned for me to stay at my grandmas since shes far away from the city center and also has a whole house to her. thats when i developed a bunch of mental disorders, had my first panic attack, went to the hospital o the daily bases, was harassed on the street and had to seek help from a psychiatrist again. only this time i found out that i had depression and this and that and the other. after months of trying to figure out what is wrong with me my latest dr said that it was cptsd and anxiety and since then i have never been the same.
i have had recently an epileptic seizure as well so i am now 10x more terrified of the world. i cant go anywhere without really preparing for it. i was paralyzed for months and suddenly i live w my now boyfriend who doesn't understand shit, have parents who aren't capable of helping led alone love, and with a few friends. and a mean like 3 friends.
i feel so bad. i feel like i don't want to live anymore. please help me im too embarrassed to talk to anyone.
tnx if u read

So this is my first time posting, and english is not my native language so bear with me please. My partner of 6 years has been having some problems with his parents that escalelated about a year ago but have been going on for much longer looking back. His parents have a very different way of life as us like anti vaxx no sugar gluten Meat dairy extremely healthy kind of people. This rubbed of on their Kids in a in my upinion unhealthy way ( scared of foods,medicine other stuff) so much so my partner was scared of eating pringles when I met him. I was not raised this way and obviously have a very different take on life but never commented or made any remarks about this to them, I always made sure when they were coming over to have something they could eat and drink and cleaned the house (dust allergy) also I made sure I did not wear any strong perfumes or have any scented products (sensitive to smells). Every time I saw them they always made some kind of remark about something like my weight or the way we decorated the house. Lets Just say I always was very aware they did not see me as a good match for their son. Now on my partners birthday the situation escalated, his mom went behind his back and called his sister to say it was stupid of him to invite her because she was allergic to cats. His mother has a big thing about cats and absolutely hates them and cant accept we got one in our house, my partners sister called my partner to tell what Just happend and my partner got upset and called his mom for an explenation (no he did not get mad or started screaming or anything) she got extremely upset about this and cut off contact. This lasted about a year before my partner decided to contact them and talk with a mediator present, they were absolutely not happy about the mediator but after a lot of back and forth agreed. The first conversation with the mediator started with a discussion about Who was going to pay for this and nothing really got resolved in this conversation. Now to the most recent conversation with the mediator note that I am not present at these conversations. My partner asked somewhere in the conversation what their opinion is on me and they were very clear that they dont like me and as his dad said he could never have a romantic relationship with me ( I dont see why this is relevant) my partner asked why and they did not specify. My struggle with this is I do want my partner to have a good relationship with his parents and I would never ask him to choose between us but I do get the feeling this is the thing his parents want him to do, how do I handle this situation without feeling I am standing between him having a relationship with his parents. They did not mention wanting to talk to me.

Hi charlotte! Luv your videos. So me (F-17) And friend (F-17) we can call friend; Tiffany (not her real name) Me and Tiffany have had lots of issues. We first met at one of my best friends birthday parties. i always got the sense that Tiffany didn’t like me being friends with “her bestfriend” but i just ignored it and moved on, Me and Tiffany bonded, and Tiffany invited me to her party. We were all having fun playing games, and then cake time came around. I was sitting there eating peacefully, and she then brought up something weird about this guy that we ALL hated. I said “thats disgusting” as a comment on what she had said. But Tiffany and her mom took that offensively and thought i said that about her cake, which was obviously not true, so they were framing me (i guess to get rid of me so Tiffany can have her “best friend” all to herself) I just thought it was weird how Tiffany was framing me, and making rude comments about me. So i texted her to make sure she understood that i was not talking about her cake, i texted in quote “Hey, im sorry about saying something that came off as rude, but i promise you i was talking about that guy, not your cake” I even asked a couple of the other people who were at the party if what i said was okay, and they all said that they thought i was talking about the guy, not the cake. So the next day i went to school, thinking the misunderstanding was resolved. Wrong. Me and Tiffany have a class together, so I walked into class and she almost immediately said “My mom said i’m not allowed to be friends with you anymore” i was shocked and confused, as we are both almost adults, So why would her mom have to make decisions for her. She knew that the comment wasn’t about her cake, but I decided I would ignore it and if she doesn’t want to stick up for me towards her mom, than so be it. We made up quite a bit over time so me, Tiffany, and a couple other friends, all went to the mall for a girls day. (Keep in mind i am short and small) We stumbled upon a store that had baby clothes, and she said “Oh look! You could fit in those!” Very snobby/petty-ish while pointing to a couple baby clothes. I don’t like people commenting on my height, and she knew that. I tried to ignore it, but eventually confronted her as this went on at least three times in the whole day. She just rolled her eyes and said “whatever” when i had confronted her, and if she doesn’t care about my bounderies, then buh-bye. So even though we are not friends, we are on good terms right now but she does make rude comments, and laugh about them, etc. (Btw the only thing i ask for is for people not to comment on my height bc i get made fun of for it)

I have no one to talk to at the moment and I am just trying to stop crying while at work. I have been dealing with depression from feeling guilt of working full time and not being there for my son and all the physical changes from after having a child. My son is a year old. I had been doing better these past few months, going to therapy, and feeling better in the morning. I cannot stop crying today because of how my mothers day weekend went and fighting with my husband.
A couple weeks ago we went shopping as a family to get birthday presents for my dad and brother-in-law. while we were out, my husband surprised me with a awesome set of bath bombs from lush, which are my favorite and said they were from my son. I was so grateful and I noticed that they are really expensive so I told him please don’t buy me more expensive gifts for Mother’s Day as we are trying to save for a family vacation. I didn’t think that would translate into not doing any type of gesture on Mother’s Day. I woke up on Mother’s Day with no card or even a hug and kiss wishing me happy Mother’s Day. My husband comes from a broken family and did not have the best relationship with his mom, so I tried to let it go and remind myself that it might not be the same for him as we did growing up. I remember that would be the first thing I would do in the morning is find my mom and wish her a happy mother’s day with a big hug…
We still had a decent day together (I always look forward to our weekend time) and I tried to hold it in but I cracked and said something. My husband felt bad and then wrote some cards at the end of the day for me. My son has been teething so bad and been really cranky for the past week so on top of his dysregulation I am struggling, and I am an OT… I help my students regulate every day. This morning, my husband snapped at me when I was trying to position my son on the couch and told me he doesn’t like to sit like that. I immediately left the room and got ready for work and just left. My heart can’t take criticism right now, I already don’t feel like I get to do mom things enough. I guess I am better off just being at work, yet I am hiding in my treatment room just crying.

So today I was served with a restraining order. My ex filed one against me two days after I filed mine and was granted a TRO. He was not granted a TRO against me, however our hearings are tomorrow. The restraining order is so triggering. I’m so upset. I just returned to our apartment after a week away (seeing my brother and his partner graduate). Most of his things are gone thank god. But he took with him some of my daughter’s toys his family had bought for her. He also took over $200 cash that I had been saving, I was waiting until after her first birthday to create a savings account. All of that money is from my family and I. I ended up calling the police about it because that is her money and at this point he and is family cannot be trusted. I’m waiting for my legal advocate to call me and go over the restraining order further and speak about the judge assigned to our case. The officer I spoke with about my daughter’s money was so helpful and kind, he said he’d look into seeing if there was still probable cause to arrest him for disorderly.
I’m so grateful to be in my home, all we’re missing is a couch but I hated his anyway. Trying to shower and eat. It’s hard being here alone but I know this is the best choice I ever made. His actions after the fact have solidified it. Truly wish I could share what he and his mom wrote the restraining order. They are grasping at straws.

I’ve been dating someone across the state since December. We see each other quite often and have been on one vacation. Sometimes a couple weeks between visits, which are quick as I’m a single mom with full custody of littles. He’s very successful and treats me so well. He has problems with boundaries though, and a people pleaser. I grew up lacking in those areas too, until recent years with lots of therapy as to not get myself in past situations with toxic/narcissistic individuals. Anyhow! I’m concerned about a couple who were previous employers of vendors of his, no longer are because that business shut down they were working for. The female has no sense of boundaries either she calls my guy and talks about her sex life. My guy has been finding that couple’s resort visits to his town. They hype him up telling him they just want to hang out with him, come to town to see him, etc. That way he pays for their gambling, fine dining, etc. He recently made a huge purchase (19k) on an off-roading vehicle, and the female basically planned that the three of them should go on vacation during my guys birthday weekend for 4 days. Guaranteed my guy is paying for it all. He told me I have an open invite to join. I don’t really care for them. They’re nothing like the rest of his friendship circle. I find them very lacking in class. We’re late 30s, they’re mid-50s. I have nooo problem if he wants to continue that friendship. I just don’t want to be included. And I feel sad he didn’t want to plan something with me for his birthday? Do I go and just suck it up? I would likely just stay for half of it and dip out after the birthday celebrations. My close circle is divided. Half say express, half say let him figure it out himself and suck it up. I’m an empath and it’s hard to not wear my emotions. Four days would be too draining on me energetically in this situation.
ETA: they never hung out in social settings until Jan of this year.

Did we do it?
Working, raising kids, running a household. I can barely do anything....it's hard. I've got to plan around my body and whatever it's going through that day.
Ladies and Gentlemen...how in the Fu€k did we get do much done?
I used to work full time, run the household and all that entails (my husband had to learn how to clean and cook 🙄 and I love him but he sucks at both, no wonder I'm so skinny). I had a part time gig as well.
I mowed the lawn most of the time. An acre and a half. I have 2 huge raised vegetable gardens...22' X 22' ....and did it by myself I'd like to add.
I did most of the landscaping, hired most of the contractors (married to one and yes he doesn't do it for our home, unfortunately) . Dealt with repair people, snaked stuck drains and toilets myself, as well as changed a faucet.
Clean the upholstery, carpet every year. Cleaned the oven, the appliances, windows, woodwork.
Decluttered everyone's closets, drawers. The dusting, cleaning the floors, the bathrooms (3) . All the laundry. All the shopping. All the cooking with a couple of exceptions.
Took care of each of my grandkids while my daughter worked (and I was doing my second job).
All the birthday's, holiday shopping and decorating. The strong woman in my clan who everyone comes to for help.
I'm exhausted typing this out.
We aren't rich, and we live "close to the vest". I'm a saver. So I "do it myself" like a lot of women. And that includes what is typically "a man's work".
Truth is I was raised more like a boy, and I was my father's right hand "man" lol. I regret nothing. I learned how to tear a motor apart and rebuild it.
I made my own tools, back in the stone age with old toothpaste tubes. Did carpentry. Plumbing. All the painting...I've painted the inside now 4X in 37 years.
People, my family are either spoiled or out of their minds.
Please help me. I know you don't think cleaning is important, but it is. Look at what the house looks like from the last year .....holy hell. It's disgusting. That's what happens when momma has cancer.
You'd think at least they'd be neater and cleaner.
I spent 3 hours scrubbing the master bath ..and you come in and leave toothpaste blobs all over the counter and floor. C'mon. It feels disrespectful, and I'm getting pissed at you people.
Mom is NOT "all better ", mom is STILL in ACTIVE treatment, give me a damn break already.
Sorry. I needed to type it out.
Now I'm going to find help on Angie's list.
I may just say to husband; I'm too sore, weak and unless YOU HELP ME, I'm hiring a cleaning person.

Hi! I won’t get into all the details but it’s enough to have me still in therapy 9 months postpartum. Some of the major things are MIL lying about having COVID because she was “denied her hospital experience”; causing LO to be admitted to the hospital for weeks and has breathing problems 8 months later. She also demanded to take LO out of the country to “show her off to her friends” (at 3 months old) and said I was evil and not allowing her to be a grandma when I said no. My AIL threatened to induce me 3 weeks early because “the family” wanted “the family baby” to have a specific due date. My GMIL threatening grandparents rights (she’s not even my child’s direct grandparent) and calling me “it” or “that girl” my entire pregnancy. as well as seeing me as an incubator for “the community baby”. All these people hate me for “stealing DH” from them and genuinely expected me to just hand my newborn over because they are “family”.
ANYWAYS… DH cut off basically his whole family for how disgustingly they have treated me and LO (they see her as a facebook prop and something to get their “fix” in). MIL met LO once and no one else has. We have been NC for about 7 months. Although he has never texted back; they do occasionally beg for pictures of LO to post because that’s all they care about (DH hasn’t blocked them). Their facebook ego is all that matters to them. It’s hard to play grandma of the year when the only pictures you have are of a 2 week old.
While I’m proud of DH for standing strong in his NC; it is a little odd to me that he hasn’t just blocked them. Especially since they still continue to send manipulative messages (demanding pictures, for us to travel to them, etc). We live across the country from my in-laws so that helps a lot. DH does still talk to FIL which I have no issue with as he’s never been hateful. Unfortunately he does sometimes push for us to just get over things because “that’s family”. He doesn’t understand NC and thinks it’s a phase. He will occasionally ask DH if he has talked to his mom, grandma,etc. He knows the answer because we are literally NC. I feel with enough pushing and time passed that DH will give in just to make FIL happy.
DH really wants another child when our current baby is 3ish. I do also but refuse to go though the hell of pregnancy and postpartum his family put me though. He’s given me no reason to doubt him and said they will never be involved in our lives; new baby or not. I guess I’m just terrified. LOs birthday is coming up in 2 months and that will be the big test.
Do I let them “win” by not having another baby? Or do I risk being “stuck”? Having 2 kids would be so much harder to manage/protect if DH ever wanted to regain contact with them. (ex. holding one child while everyone harasses the other)

Not sure how else to phrase it, because I love him but he has a really bad way of being thoughtless and selfish. Our first Christmas, I was impressed with a gift that he made for his mom. It was cheap, literally just a bunch of notes in a paper bag labeled "reasons I love you" and each was a sentiment or story or inside joke. It was cheap and I understood because he was a broke-ass teenager who couldn't hold down a job.
Since then, though, I've come to experience his assumption and expectation for what he will be receiving for birthdays and Christmas. For example, he'll assume we were going to spend a few hundred dollars on gifts, and ask for it in cash instead of gifts. He asked for us to renew his medical weed permit ($250 at the time) and claimed that's all he wanted, then acted all shitty when there wasn't much else to open. He knows he gets money from his grandpa, so he's asked for advances on it. Every gift he treats as an expected transaction, taken for granted, not as a gift. For Christmas, his mom got him a necklace I think, that was sort of silly but there was a reason she got it. If he didn't like wearing it, I didn't blame him, but he could hang it from a tac on his wall or something. Instead, he actually gave it back to her right there within moments of opening it, saying it wasn't his style.
What finally pissed me off enough to write this was Mother's Day. I asked him weeks ago what he was going to do for his mom. He's 24 and no longer lives with us, but he has a job and is still getting food stamps from his brief unemployment, Actually has more than he needs to the point of stocking up before the benefits expire. Anyway, I remind him weeks ago that Mother's Day is coming up, his mom doesn't want anything but a nice heartfelt card or note because we know he's working hard and trying to save for a car and a better place. We tell him Mom wants to go to ihop, nothing fancy at all. We didn't offer to pay, but I assumed we would. We pick him up and take him after work. While we are waiting for our food, he gives her a card.
The card was literally a picture on the front and a sentence on the inside that he said "this kinda says how I feel so I didn't write anything else." And to be clear, what I mean is: the card had a sentence printed on the inside. He did not write anything, he didn't even sign his name. If we wanted to return the card, we could have. It was literally right off the shelf, and obviously a last minute purchase that he bought from work just moments before we picked him up.
Number one, I hate how shitty it makes me feel when WE show emotional investment in him with not only our thoughtful gifts but also very sincere cards and notes. We show a ton of support, love, and appreciation for him and everything he does and has done. For him to gloss over that while searching for the money inside the card is like holy shit, you're an adult, are you not aware of how selfish you look? If you're going to be an asshole, at least pretend to not be one in front of us. Second, and this is important: You will not be successful in relationships if you are an emotional slug like that. I can't imagine how his girlfriends would feel or how his wife would feel with this approach to her birthday or anniversary. You cannot half-ass something that is significant to you in any way, especially when it is equally or more significant to people you love.
My wife, who often suppresses her reactions to these kinds of things, actually broke down and told me how disappointed she was when she got that Mother's Day card. If she's willing to say something about it, I can only imagine it's more than what she's expressed because she doesn't want to be negative toward her son. I get that. So I can't imagine how low she felt when after all that she's done for him, especially in the past year, his only gift is a last-minute purchase of convenience, no thought, and not even his own words. Not even a signature.

Had another eye opening mother's day with the Nmom and Nbrother. Sent her mother's day and birthday gift this year instead of hand delivering since the last 2 years my brother planned the day and excluded from it. So I wasn't expecting anything nor planned to be there until she asked me if I was coming over. I asked her what the plan was and time before agreeing. She said we're bbqing. My husband and go over, do the family hi and hugs, sit down to eat some food, and everything seems fine.....
My dad tells me in a casual conversation he's glad I came over and was annoyed at mom for having to force her to invite me over to eat. Strike One, mom never wanted me to come.
My brother casually says how they're all planned up ready to celebrate my nieces graduation the next day. Strike Two, my husband and I aren't invited and it's further disclosed that he stopped inviting us to all her events for the past year or so.
And Strike Three, when we said our goodbyes, mom thanked us for coming, we thanked her for inviting us, and she said well it's mother's day, I don't know why you wouldn't come over. My response, well we didn't want to intrude after the chaos of how everything was planned on the last few mother's days. We wished them all well, congrats to my niece, and safe journey to her graduation and back.
Lesson learned, triangulation is still on, my husband and I are excluded from any and all events. They basically just want to support my brother and force me to deal with his drama, support him, and allow us to continue disrespecting boundaries and lack accountability for all actions to be included. Nothing new there. We're going to see my MIL next year instead.
How was your mother's day?

F26, fiance is M26. Together for over 3 years and live together.
In March, he went through a completely unexpected and severely traumatic event.
He floundered a lot in the beginning trying to cope with what happened.
In the first few days/first week following, he was struggling to manage all the texts/calls/etc from family & friends- not because they were doing anything wrong, it was just a lot during a traumatic time. He asked if I'd mind being his POC for the time- he didn't want his loved ones to be wondering/worried but could not handle the extent of it. I was happy to do so.
As he came out of the initial trauma, he obvs began reaching out to people himself and spending more time with them. His siblings live in our city but his parents live farther away so they haven't seen him.
His mom however still calls me daily for updates and has been asking me about things that are really unnecessary and/or none of her business. I know she's extremely worried about him but they talk on a regular basis now.
For example, she asks me what chores he's "been able to do" and gets upset when I say at this point he's pretty much doing the same chores as before, and says I should be doing them for him since he's recovering, etc. She's asked me weird questions pertaining to our sex life and how the trauma has impacted it, that she hopes I'm not expecting too much of him, etc. Multiple calls/texts per day and always an implication that I'm doing something wrong or pushing him to do too much too fast after a severe trauma.
Over the weekend he made me a beautiful birthday cake and I texted MIL a picture and raved about it and got an upset phone call the next day about how I shouldn't be making him do things like that for me and how unfair I'm being toward him.
I spoke to her Sunday night and told her that for the time being I am no longer going to be taking calls, and am happy to answer texts that do not pertain to "updates" about my fiance, but I won't currently be discussing our daily lives or his trauma with her. She will have to contact him directly.
MIL is extremely upset with me and has been texting paragraph upon paragraph. She's accusing me of isolating him from his family and of negatively impacting his trauma recovery. She has also heavily implied that I could have done something to prevent what happened to him. She keeps posting and sharing very passive aggressive Facebook posts about me and is telling me that she may withdraw her part of funding our wedding if I don't reconsider (her and FIL had previously offered to fund the entire rehearsal dinner and a large airbnb for the wedding party).
We're not worried about that, but I'm frustrated with the way she is acting and her constantly contacting me and posting about how I'm the asshole. Her and I have always gotten along great with no issues and I understand that she's devastated and stressed about what happened to her son. Not sure how I could/should be handling this differently. AITA?

Ok (20f), so this is new for me because dreams like this usually don’t go well for me, but it started with me in my living room. I was sitting on the couch. It was August, a little after my birthday, and my mom was like, Come on, we have to go to the hospital. We left the hospital, which was like down the street from my house, and we walked in and checked me in because I was 9 months pregnant (not pregnant in real life). So I’m a bit nervous with this information because my mom is strict, but she was really supportive along with the rest of my family, so it was a plus. I was in a hospital room with my family, just waiting for the baby to come, and a few hours later, the doctor came and said that I could go home because the baby wasn't yet due. So we leave to go back home, and my family decided to have a family dinner. I was washing dishes when I felt a small stomach cramp. I started to panic a bit because I saw blood, and I was like, Oh no, so I’m rushed back to the hospital, and I give birth to a healthy baby girl. After this, it’s like a time skip to a week or two later, and I’m texting my boyfriend about how the baby is his and stuff. He just shows up, saying he got an apartment. Let’s live together. He was acting very fatherly to the baby. She was giggling a lot, I remember, so then I tell my mom, and she’s silently upset. I just shrugged and left. The apartment was fancier than I thought it would be, but then I'm woken up by my mom to drink the new water she had. I just want an interpretation.

For the sake of the story and to avoid confusion the man who I thought was my bio dad I’ll call him NBD and my actual bio dad I’ll call BD, Step dad will be SD, and my mom will just be mom.
Two years ago, I was gifted a 23andMe test, I was excited to find out where I came from ethnically.
When I finally got my results I noticed 3 things immediately, I wasn’t Albanian, I WAS Polish, and it linked me to a great great aunt I never heard about. I called NBD mom and asked her about the great great aunt and she had no idea who it was, so I did my own digging.
I reached out to the great great aunt’s daughter and she listed family names I could look into. I eventually found someone who told me their aunt might know who my real dad was and she’d get back to me. When she finally did get back to me she apologized and said her aunt told her she would not help and that people were entitled to their secrets. I was pissed. I was entitled to the truth!!
I finally reached out to my mom and while busy she told me to send her screenshots and she would get back to me. My mom called an hour later sobbing, apologizing, up-and-down. It was then that the fact NBD wasn’t my dad really hit me. It was really traumatic finding out everything I thought I knew about myself was a lie, like I wasnt a whole person just, fragments. I wanted to be angry or sad but I was just numb. I just wanted to know who my dad really was. my mom told me she had recognized the name and immediately knew who my dad really was. She told me she had called him before calling me back and told him what was happening and that if I wanted a relationship with him, he was more than willing, but if I didn’t want a relationship with him, he was fine with that too. My mom sent me his number and I sent him a text and told him to call me whenever he could.
About a week later, I went to go meet BD for the first time as his daughter that year, my birthday ended up landing on Father’s Day (yay me) so I brought him a first Father’s Day card for a new dad as a joke to break the ice and he had bought me flowers. I was so worried he wasn’t going to like me and that his girlfriend wouldn’t like me either but they are the best!!! They had to be one year old daughter and an adopted his gfs nephew. I gained two new siblings over night. They had another baby girl last year so I added another sibling to the mix
It turned out the aunt that didn’t want to spill the family secrets is my grandmother BD mom. She apologized for not sharing, but she didn’t want me to hear it from her and wanted me to hear it from my mom. It’s been two years and my relationship with BD is amazing he texts me randomly list to let me know he loves me and to check in.
The downside is NBD family is really weird towards me now, I get that they are mad at my mom but it doesn’t feel fair to be treating me differently. Anytime I bring the situation up at all to my mom she begins to feel bad and starts crying so I can’t talk to her. BD is just so chill he doesn’t seem bothered at all so I just don’t bring it up with him really but do occasionally talk through it sometimes with his GF who I now also call mom. I’ve had some not great remarks made to me by family members basically saying that the situation should be kept quiet to avoid embarrassment or that peoples lives were ruined. Like gee thanks sorry I’m an embarrassing bastard child that ruined peoples lives. I feel like some burdensome mistake that people would be better off without and it’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong yet how I exist is viewed as a shameful and hushed topic rather then an honest mistake. Don’t get me wrong I’m upset I could have had a present dad rather then someone who wasn’t really around till I was 18 but COME ON. In any case I know I probably need to see a therapist about this, but it’s nice to finally vent my feelings somewhere that isn’t just in my own head. Thanks for listening.
TLDR; 23andMe test revealed my dad wasn’t my dad. I met my bio dad and he’s amazing. Definitely need therapy so cause this was traumatic but also the situation just makes me feel numb?
EXTRA CONTEXT: my mom genuinely thought NBD was my dad if there was even a doubt in her mind she would have checked. Having NBD as my dad was not a choice she would have made for me or her.

I (13F) have 5 siblings (17F, 16M, 15M, 10F, 8F) and 3 step siblings (14M, 11M and 9F) as well as a half brother (4M).
My middle step sibling is my 11 year old stepbrother Bryer. His mom died 7 years ago when he was 4, this is the same year my parents divorced. My mom started dating his dad a year after this happened. They got married in December last year and this is our first Mother’s Day together.
Bryer has been the one who is the most okay with all of this, he never mentions his mom when my other step siblings do. He’s said he was never really that close to her, which makes sense because the only people he’s close to are his friends from school who he plays basketball with. Those boys are the only people who he will allow to hug him and the only people he seems to like talking to. Bryer isn’t close with me or any of his siblings, he’s not close to his dad or my mom either. He will buy birthday gifts and Christmas gift, but even at family parties, he will spend most of his time on his phone taking to his friends. He’s always been like this according to my stepdad. I’ve always thought it was weird.
On Sunday, Breyer and I had some fights over how he was acting on Mother’s Day and I don’t think I did anything wrong, but my mom and stepdad are upset at me.
The first fight happened while we were going to lunch for Mother’s Day, Breyer is a very picky eater and he was getting all nervous over not finding a menu online for the place we went to. I told him to chill out and he could look at the menu when we got there, but he was freaking out about if they had nothing he liked. I told him if they didn’t have anything he knew he liked, he should try something new but he said he was worried he wouldn’t like that either. When we got there, he saw some things he liked on the menu and he was fine, and I told him he shouldn’t have been so dramatic and that I told him so, and my mom told me to knock it off. I tried to explain to her my opinions, but she told me that it’s “ok to be a picky eater” and how she read an article online about young people having “menu anxiety”.
Another fight we had was over the gifts he got her. My mom’s favorite animal are elephants, she thinks they’re cute, but she doesn’t spend all day thinking about them or watching movies about them. Bryer often goes out to the thrift or antique stores with his friends, and he had a bunch of elephant stuff for her, from little figurines to shirts to books and more. He said anytime he saw something with an elephant, he got it for her. He was keeping the collection at a friend’s house and had to bring it in a trash bag because it was so much stuff. Bryer does this with basketball stuff, from shoes to posters to trophies, anything basketball he sees in a store he wants. It’s all he ever talks about and he knows a lot about it. I told Breyer that she didn’t need all of this elephant stuff, but he said he was right for getting it and how he wants her to have a collection of the stuff she loves, we literally need to get a new cabinet for the living room to put all of them in.
We had another fight when he started to have a temper tantrum when our plans changed, we were supposed to see my great grandma’s spot at the cemetery, but my mom decided that it would be too much for her and wanted to do something fun instead, so we decided to go to the donut shop on the way there instead. Breyer was freaking out because he didn’t have plans for what he wanted at the shop and didn’t know what they had. Everyone there’s even a minor change like this, he starts to cry and fidget. My mom and his dad claimed him down, I told him he needed to grow up and know that as an adult, sometimes things change.
Later that night, my mom told me that I was overreacting to Breyer’s behavior and that he’s always been a bit quirky. She told me about a guy she had in her school in elementary school that reminds her of Breyer, she said he would go on about cats and knew everything about them, etc. He moved after elementary school. She said he now owns a cat cafe a few towns over and she wants to visit it now. She said he’s a very happy and successful man, and she was talking to him on Facebook. He told her not to worry about Breyer and how it’s ok to be shy like he was. She said that if I continue to talk about Bryer's quirks that I would get in trouble. She said they love Breyer for just the way he is, that nothing is wrong with him and that “everyone has a bit of weird in them, including you, Breyer is just a bit more weird than average”. AITA?

To be honest, I wasn't sure that the Advice sub would let me post this there so I'm posting it here because it's so fucked up. And it didn't seem right for Let's Not Meet, either. But I do need advice, because I feel I'm losing my fucking mind.
So I (30F) have always been very close to my cousin (30F), let's call her Angela. Because we're the same age, our parents (my mom and her father are siblings) went through all the same stages with us and as such, we were more or less raised like siblings due to how much time our families spent together.
We even had homes in the country in the same township, which is where I think this happened. And I can't really tell my family this because it will make me sound legitimately crazy. And some part of me even doubts this memory, but at the same time I know in my heart that it's true. It's a complicated feeling, and this memory was brought to light last week when my suspicion I've had for years was more or less confirmed.
One winter, sixteen years ago, when Angela and I were both fourteen, both of our families were at our cottages, a twenty minute drive from each other. Angela and her little brother (my cousin, let's call him James) parents (my aunt and uncle) were going skiing one morning, and I wanted to go too. So I spent the night at their cottage, like I often did when we all went up north.
Angela's bedroom had two single beds in it, and James' room was down the hall. The whole house was open concept, so the hall from Angela's room to James' room did not have walls, but rather was bordered by two railings over which you could see down into the main floor, the open concept living and dining rooms.
James is four years younger than us, and when he was 10, he was such a typical little boy/little brother, it's almost cartoonish to look back on. Like, I'm talking *constantly* bothering us, putting a stink bomb on a remote control car that he would sneak into our rooms, trying to read Angela's diary when we weren't in her bedroom, just all the stuff. But never anything cruel or out of the ordinary or sinister, just a massive handful.
The basement of James and Angela's cottage was filled with storage and old toys, and sometimes (on the rare occasion) that we'd willingly play with James, we'd all go down to the basement and try to freak each other out. Anyway, one of the toys in the basement was your typical Raggedy-Ann doll from the 60s or something. I think it belonged to my uncle when he was a kid and then Angela when she was a baby. Her name was Trilly. I forget who named it. Anyway, I have vague memories of playing with it when we were much younger and pretending it was our third cousin or our little daughter. But since then she'd sat in storage in the basement.
But, what great nightmare material! Right?! A creepy, limp, smiling doll. So the night I stayed over, before we went skiing in the morning, James, Angela and I were up to our playing in the basement, and I remember we tried to freak James out by pretending Trilly was alive or something like that. Whatever. Game over, we all had dinner with the parents, then watched a movie as a family and went to bed. James to his room and Angela and me to Angela's room.
Now this is the thing. Angela and I still joke about this night, and she remembers it just like I do, which is why I sort of wrote off my hypothesis until last week. That night, in the middle of the night, I started tossing and turning. I woke up and could tell that Angela was stirring as well. One of us said to the other, "are you awake?" and the other said "yes," and we realized that we both couldn't sleep or were woken up by the same thing or were both just feeling restless. But then, at the other end of her room, Trilly was sitting in the fucking desk chair.
I think it was Angela who pointed it out. We saw a shadow, thinking it was a person, freaked out, and then relaxed briefly when we saw it was just the doll. But then we got freaked out all over again and were like, "why the FUCK is this FUCKING doll in your room!?!?", murderously standing up and going over to it to pick it up and throw it in James' room and pound the living Christ out of him.
We turn on all the lights, turn on the hall light, stomp down the hall into his room and turn on his lights, and see he's not in his bed. We then go downstairs (my aunt and uncle's room was on the main floor), Trilly still in Angela's hands, and hear my aunt and James in the washroom. Turns out James had been sick for the last few hours and my aunt had been up all night with him as he was throwing up in the washroom. And when we saw the scene we immediately could tell that James had nothing to do with Trilly. Like, it was just one of those really believable situations where we could tell James truly had no idea what was going on. We even felt bad for him. And, to top it off, when we told him the story in the morning it scared him so much that he didn't go into the basement for like a year. Anyway, it just seemed really sincere.
So Angela and I went back up to her room and we were like, "are we *sure* we didn't bring this up here last night? Are we sure? We must have." Anyway, while we were really freaked, we figured that it was explainable. We knew the doll obviously didn't walk itself upstairs like it was some horror movie. But, because we were fourteen and all for the drama (and I remember us having the "better safe than sorry" mindset) we called her dog upstairs (Bella, a poorly behaved black poodle). We started playing tug-of-war with Bella, using Trilly as the toy, and eventually Bella ripped her to shreds.
Anyway, funny memory, making the dog rip up the doll, we laughed and thought we were tough and cool, then we went back to bed.
The next morning, instead of all of us going skiing, it was just Me, Angela, and my Uncle, because James stayed home with my aunt on account of his stomach flu. But when we woke up, Angela was acting weird. Nothing too noteable, just really bizarrely quiet as she moved around her room to get her clothes out of her drawers and get changed. She didn't, like, acknowledge me in her room. I said something like "morning" when she didn't acknowledge me, and she looked at me and then turned back to her drawers and kept getting changed.
And she was looking around weirdly, I remember that too. Almost like she'd misplaced something, but a little more dazed than that. Just moving strangely. Then she went downstairs without saying anything to me at all. I thought maybe she was just super groggy... but it still felt really weird.
When I went downstairs, she was standing at the island in the kitchen buttering toast that my uncle had put in for us. I distinctly remember walking up beside her and the toaster, pulling a piece of toast out of it, putting it on the plate that had been set out for me, and when I dipped the knife into the container of butter, Angela smacked my hand away, hard, and looked at me and snapped, "what are you doing? Don't take things that aren't yours". I was shocked. It honestly felt like being struck in the face. She'd never spoken to me like that before, and even though we were like siblings, I still felt that kind of mortifying embarrassment you feel when someone calls you out on misbehaving, even though I wasn't doing anything wrong; but it *was* her family's butter and bread? I don't know. That's what I remember thinking. But it was awkward and weird and I just said, "um, what?" and then she didn't say anything, just kept buttering her toast, and I mumbled some apology.
The three of us then drove to the ski hill and, I kid you not, Angela and I didn't speak the whole way there. I had no idea what was up, but I didn't want to ask with her dad in the car.
Then when we got to the ski hill, we went skiing just the two of us and on the chairlift during the first run I mustered up the courage to say "Hey, did I do something wrong? I feel like you're really mad at me or something". And she turned to look at me and was confused. Not friendly, not warm, not reassuring, but confused. It was almost as if I was a stranger and she looked at me as if to say, "sorry, who are you? why are you talking to me?"
And she responded in a formal way: "Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about". The distance in her voice was really eerie, and I started to think maybe this had to do with the doll incident the night before and either she was trying to extend the prank, and she was the one who had put the doll on the chair, OR she felt guilty that we ruined this family doll and she resented me for being a part of it. Anyway, when we got to the top of the hill, she skied down quickly and didn't wait for me to go back up again, and we ended up skiing separately.
I felt awkward and embarrassed like I'd done something wrong. I ended up skiing with my uncle who asked me what was up with us, and I just said I didn't know. Then after our day of skiing, he dropped me off at my family's cottage and continued on home with Angela.
For the rest of that whole school year (we were in ninth grade), Angela and I didn't really speak. It was really sad. We were like sisters before, but better because we weren't actually sisters, but cousins, and so we were like best friends that were related. Seriously, we were really close. And it really messed me up, I felt like she just ghosted me. I would text her and call her house but she was always "fine" or "with Jessica" (her best friend). I chalked it up to her just outgrowing me, and it really fucking sucked. But, to be honest, it was so jarring and such a stark shift that I was more confused than hurt. I talked to my mom about it and she explained to me how rough it can be to be a teenage girl.
But that following summer, we were up at our cottages again, and our family had a barbecue and invited over my aunt and uncle and Angela and James. I had seen Angela at family things a couple of times since and she would just kind of ignore me and spend the whole time texting, which is what I expected this time.
Sure enough, that's what happened for the first bit of the barbecue. But then when the food was ready, she came up beside me as we were dressing our hamburgers at the condiment table and said, "oh my god, remember that night we got Bella to ruin Trilly?" and I was so shocked by her friendly tone, by her acting as though she were picking up a conversation we just were having, that I just stared at her and said, "yeah, that was crazy". And she said, "yeah, so funny. Anyway, how've you been?" again, really different and formal. I almost couldn't get past how altered her tone was, like we'd never even met. In fact she seemed so sprightly and kind that I thought she was mocking me.
And our relationship since that barbecue carried on just like that. She started talking to me more, but I'd reference inside jokes or ways we used to be or things we used to do and she never really latched on to any of them. I was caught between thinking she'd outgrown me and thinking she was like embarrassed of our closeness before or something and was trying to move on. I talked to my mom about this, and again got the speech about how teenage girls can be really cruel/strange sometimes.
So until we were about 22, we were like that. Nice to each other, talking sometimes, not that close, and I learned to not try and act like we were all close or that we had been close. I talked to my friends about it too and they said it was normal for friendships to change like that. But something felt off about this. I started to honestly feel crazy for hanging on to this "before" memory of Angela so much.
Then when we were 22, we grew apart. This time, it was mutual and natural. I moved cities, and she got engaged and became a real estate agent and we just had nothing to talk about. It was gradual and I didn't notice it much. Which brings us to eight years later, just last week.
I was travelling in Iceland. I had to be there (very randomly) for a conference/workshop I was leading for work, and turned it into a vacation. Rented a car, decided I was going to drive across the island after the conference was over and stay on the east part and explore a bit.
Day four of my seven-day long road trip. It's mid-afternoon, I'm hungry. I've been driving for three hours and have come across no sign of civilization at all, and it was fifty miles to the next town. But then, voila! A little gas station/general store/cafe! Perfect!
Ah, fuck. I literally can't believe I'm writing this. It makes me sound fucking crazy. But here I go.
I park in the little three-car parking lot. I get out of my car, step onto the gravel, the sky is white, expansive, there are mountains everywhere around me, fields, sheep. The air is fresh. Seriously middle of nowhere. I walk up the wooden rickety steps and push open the door and hear the door chimes go. A man walks out from the back room and greets me, and the place is cute. There's a little handwritten menu above the cash register and I asked him in my pathetic Icelandic/English mix if I could have the gravlax toast. He's very friendly and kind and says yes, asks if I want a coffee, I say yes please, blah blah, he rings me up at the cash register, and I go and sit at the one table they have and wait for my food.
I look around - it's mostly a fishing supplies store with some general groceries. The man opens the door to the room from which he came, the kitchen I suppose, and says the order to the lady in the back who looks like she's doing some prep cooking. Immediately I stop. It's freaking Angela!!!! Or I thought it was.
Now, remember, I hadn't seen Angela in about eight years. Since her dad passed away when we were twenty-three, and because I'd moved cities, we just had no reason to really see each other especially after growing so far apart.
So, like, OH MY GOD, it's Angela! She's working at a random little general store in middle-of-nowhere Iceland! But wait, I thought. No. This is obviously not-fucking-Angela. Angela is a real estate agent in my hometown. I'd obviously know if she lived in Iceland lol. Right? I don't really use social media but the odd time I do, she'll pop up here and there. But I guess not enough for me to *confirm* she still lived in my hometown.
But anyway, she looked enough like Angela that I went right up to the cash register and rang the little bell and the guy came back out and when he opened the door I was able to get another look at her, and my heart skidded. A chill spread across my crown. It was one hundred percent Angela. Like, my full-on cousin. So, looking over the guys' shoulder, RIGHT AT ANGELA, I smile and say, "Angela!! Oh my god!!" and before she could respond, the door shut again.
And the guy at the cash smiled really big, a nice, friendly, smile and he looked surprised as well, and pointed back over his shoulder and then at me, as if to say, "you two know each other?!" which confirmed for me that her name was Angela, because he seemed really delighted at the coincidence. Expecting her to emerge from the kitchen, I walked around to behind the cash register (the invitation was implied by the guy) and he put his arm back to open the door for me, or for Angela, whom we both expected to be making her way over to me, too.
When he opened the door, she was head-down again, chopping vegetables. I walked through the door and said, "Angela? Angela!" smiling, thinking she hadn't seen me yet or realized who I was, all context considered. She looked up at me, and then quickly, as though avoiding my eyes, looked down. "Hey", she said, quietly, at the cutting board.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON? Before I could ask anything, she said, "I'm really sorry, okay?"
What?
She repeated herself and then continued: "I'm really sorry okay? But we can't talk".
I actually, like, had no clue what was happening. I was looking into the eyes of my cousin whom I hadn't seen in forever in some random fucking shack in Iceland and she was acting skittish and afraid. I opened my mouth to protest and she said, "I need you to leave," then she called the guy's name and said something to him in Icelandic. She can speak Icelandic??!
The guy came in, his demeanour totally different. Almost like he was a bouncer. He gestured to my coffee and toast that were ready to go, took them in his hands and ushered me out of the kitchen and I could tell I no longer was welcome. Either I wasn't welcome or I was in danger, or both. It felt more like the former. And I don't think the guy had any idea what was going on, either. I think she must have said something to him like "I don't know this person, this person is crazy" or something. That's how he was acting toward me.
I got in my car, I drove five minutes down the road, and pulled over. I miraculously had service and I called my mom and told her everything. She kind of just laughed at me and was like "Many-Patient2894, that obviously wasn't Angela". And joked about me making some poor Icelandic woman feel extremely weird. But based off the guy's reaction when I said her name, her name was Angela, and the way she spoke to me and said sorry and said we couldn't talk, like, she knew me too. I told my mom all of this and I sounded fucking crazy and she just was basically like, "Haha, yeah, weird". I think she thinks I was making up the part about the apology.
I told all of my friends this, when I was still in Iceland, and they all reacted like my mom did. At this point, I had four days left in the country, and I kept wanting to return to the cafe/general store. But I didn't. I started to think maybe the woman thought I was someone else. But then I kept coming back to, but wait, this person was Angela. Her name, her body, her face, like I just didn't know what to do.
This brings me to two days ago, the day before yesterday, when I returned to Canada, where I live. It's eight o'clock in the morning and I'm on my way to work. In my car. Just picked up a coffee. Exhausted. Not thinking about Angela at all. Thinking about my laundry, my bills, what I'm going to make for dinner. The traffic is bad and it's a miserable day outside.
My phone dings. It's a random number. The text reads: "Hey! It's Angela! How was your trip?"
Haven't heard from her in eight years (except for our run-in in Iceland, if indeed it was one). No "how have you been??", no "I miss you!!" no "long time no talk/see!". I also hadn't posted anything about my trip on social media. Unless you were a friend of mine, you didn't know I was there.
I immediately call my mom, who follows Angela on Instagram, and ask her to look at her profile. Sure enough, Angela (not at all to my mother's surprise), is posting stories of the bachelorette party she's at in Miami. She's, like, not at all in Iceland.
I have no idea what's going on. And the way Angela/the woman spoke to me in the cafe had the cadence and softness that Angela had, and in my memory, lost, starting the morning of the skiing after the incident with Trilly and the dog. For some reason I'm fully back there in my memory now, realizing that that was the first morning of "the new Angela", the one that seemed to have no emotional memory of me at all. Like, the Iceland Angela seemed more like the "before" Angela.
I haven't replied to the text. I have no idea if it was bachelorette party Miami Angela or Iceland Angela that sent me the message, the area code is from neither Angela's hometown or Iceland.
I need advice, I have no idea what to do or who to talk to. Do I reply to the text? What do I say? I feel like the real Angela is fucking trapped in Iceland or something and has been for a long time. Or I don't even know. I have no idea what to do.