There is more to it than the title. I was engaged to be married to a woman I was with for almost four years. In our last year together, she pretty much treated me like a ghost, ignoring messages, not wanting to go on dates, and the last straw was blocking me on social media. I did everything to keep the relationship alive, working long hours, going to visit her in her city every month, trying to talk to her, but she kept pushing me away. Eventually our last conversation was over the phone, at night, and her last words to me were "I don't love you now," "I am seeing someone else," and "I need you to back off." This was after Valentine’s Day, after a hard day of work, after I sent her a valentine gift. I was devastated and pretty much cursed out God, blamed the world, blamed myself for the relationship ending after I did everything I could to keep it. To this day I have doubt I am worthy to be a child of God, that I failed my family, I failed myself, and I failed at life. I was severely depressed for a long time. I am still depressed, but I have a better handle on it now.
A few months after the relationship ended, I have mixed feelings of love and hate towards my ex. I cannot forgive her, no matter how hard I tried. I have tried deeply and daily to forgive her, but I do not believe I can. I have not spoken to her since Feb 2023. I have blocked her on all social media. The only way she can contact me is by email, letter, or by going to my parents’ home. I have already told myself, if she ever wants to talk to me, it must be in person, no other way. I will not talk to people solely through social media anymore, it must be face to face or on an actual voice call (no voice messages) if we live in the same city.
In June 2023, I move to China and am working as an English teacher. I wanted to get far away from the past and I did. My family are supportive of my decision.
In July 2023, I met this sweet and intelligent woman through a language exchange app. We simply wanted to help each other practice English, Spanish, and Chinese. After a week or so she asked to have dinner with me as friends and I thought nothing of it. I was still recovering from the last relationship and wanted nothing to do with a new one. She chose a cool restaurant, had a bar, Mexican food, and great drinks. I expected the meetup to be about 30 minutes. It ended up being 3 hours. We had no idea that time flew quickly. The conversation we had was fun. The day we had dinner was the last day I was staying in her city, I had to move to another Chinese city in China for work. I never stopped thinking about her.
Few months pass by and its December 2023. I told myself “Screw it." I went online and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her home. Once the order was made, I thought nothing of it and continued my routines for the next few days. The flowers were going to be delivered on Christmas. Christmas is not a big holiday in China. I got anxious as the day got closer. I thought “what am I doing? I only met her once in person, we are language partners, I live in a different city, she and I are full time workers… blah blah blah.” At this point there was nothing I could do; I could not cancel the order. Christmas day comes, its dinner time, I am chilling with other foreigners, and I got a notification from the woman saying, “thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful.” I asked if we could chat, and she said of course. I do not know what came over me, I was scared but I wanted to be honest with her.
She told me “This is not a gift for a friend.” I responded in honesty “I have been thinking about you since the night we had dinner and I want to know if you could give me the chance to impress you and become your partner.” She said, “I had been waiting for you to do that, I do not know if it is romantic, but I do like you and would like to know you more.” This was a great feeling. I was happy and thankful. I thanked God and myself for doing it.
We met up a few weeks ago in her city and we had a wonderful dinner, we spent the entire day together, talking, walking, exchanging ideas, enjoying each other’s company. We even challenged each other to be healthier. Next time I see her, I must do 30 pushups and she has to do 1 pushup (not fair, but if I win, she has to ride a bike with me around a park). We have given each other cute nicknames; she calls me “Winnie the Pooh” and I call her “Honey.” She asked me why I call her “Honey” and I told her because, “Winnie the Pooh likes Honey.”
We kept our language exchange schedule, and we understand that we are both busy with work and taking this relationship slow is good for us. She has told me multiple times that she wants me in her city. Whether she wants me or not, I have always planned to go back to that city. The weather is nice, there are more things to do, it’s closer to other major cities.
There are so many times I want to talk to her, but the fear and past experiences shake me to the core. I TRULY want to talk to her, about anything. Hearing and listening to her speak about her passions and hobbies is joyous to me. We always exchange ideas in our weekly exchanges. I do not want to say, “I love her,” I am too scared to say that. However, I want her as my girlfriend. I just do not know what to do to overcome this fear and progress our relationship further.
Note: If anyone is wondering, yes, she is Chinese. I am American but my appearance is Hispanic.

We been having issues in our marriage & I kept telling him what I needed from him so i would heal. He used to like sexy women on instagram & had a few chats with a woman he had a thing with in the past one message that I read said “ we would of had sex if you had a condom “ my husband replied back “ yes I know” instead of him shutting that down & stop being friends. Then later he started doing OF “only fans “ when we worked some stuff out he was still doing it behind closed doors when I thought we were good. He spent almost $700 on women but didn’t surprise me with small gifts like flowers or take me on a date. But he spent money on other females. That hurt me more… then he finally deleted instagram… recently added it back on because he wanted to help a friend promote disc golf stuff. Then I started thinking about everything he’s put him through. Shortly a few months later he’s busy with work more bc he’s active navy but he goes to play one day out of the weekend disc golf ALL day sometimes a full weekend Saturday/Sunday at least every 4-6 weeks. But he’s tired the day he’s actually off. So I’ve been telling him I don’t feel connected to him, that I need to feel loved & wanted & work on our marriage because we have problems. I finally snapped big time & now we are in the separation stage where we are taking turns sleeping in different places in the house. It’s weird because all the small things that meant something stopped… now what do we have ? Because he’s saying we need to work on ourselves… but then come to find out he’s been getting closer to a female co worker this past year so he just told me that he finally realized how much he’s hurt me & how our marriage isn’t healthy & I don’t deserve this & he wants me to heal & for him to be better. But took him over 7 years to realize all the pain he caused me? But he made a BEST Friend that’s a girl & he said “ I was there for her during cancer, during her custody battle with the ex , she opened up to me about when she got raped & we had the cancer thing in common because of my family has been through it. He’s offered her that if any emergency that she can call him & he will help if he can ( but he needs to get me & her to meet each other) like what? How do you allow yourself to get that close to a female & say you didn’t get emotional connected to her? Because I’m telling him how I feel he’s tired from work & he doesn’t have patience with me or my emotions & I been over thinking that maybe he’s doing too much at work for work related plus with this friend that he’s so close to …. I’m really hurt. Because we met when I was a single mom I fell in love with him less than 6 weeks because he was so sweet & caring & now he’s telling me he’s there for her & offering his help to her. I feel like I’m not important to him.
I even mentioned to him to call his mom to talk to him because she will understand what I’m going through & I gave an example to him saying @ because your dad did nice gesture & it lead to an affair sexual affair… he got so mad & said I’m nothing like my dad … his dad lied & cheated to his mom before that happened. But the gesture situation was his mom’s best friend the god mother.
So he talked to his mom, his mom said as long as you are being open & honest to your wife then I don’t see anything wrong as long as you know your boundaries… so im upset that his mom said that after her best friend got with a married man… how do you know that my husband won’t fall for the woman he told me they are becoming more than just friends… closer friends … yes that’s what he said. Then wants to say best friend. But he doesn’t consider the guys he plays with close friends that he’s been playing for about 2yrs with. But a woman less than a year he feel closer to her & that’s his best friend!!!
Also she talks to him about our marriage. After she just finalized her divorce. He’s saying that she is trying to help him to reconnect with me.
I’m heartbroken right now. Because he wants to now use the whole thing that I brought up his parents as an example. Saying that I hurt him & broke him even after I explained & how I didn’t compare him to his dad is was an example that a nice gesture can lead to things.
Is my husband trying to find a way out of our marriage? I’m so confused & hurt right now.
I work 24/7 & weeks have 5 kids … 2 from my previous marriage, 3 with him… almost 8 yrs married this summer… I help him pay for half of the bills & I pay for all of our extra expenses when things pop up & pay for vacation. But I feel like I’m not good enough for him as a wife or mother.
My anxiety has gotten worse today. Depression getting bad as well. I struggle with under active thyroid but I try my best to do a lot & this isn’t healthy for me right now I can’t think clearly.
Please help me make sense
Thank you

I am 30M she is 27F. We never officially broke up but things ended January.
Throughout the relationship she continously broke my trust by doing something and lying about it, doing a shady action, etc.
Each time these events happened, I broke communication, said we are done, and went on my way. Then came the flood of letters, texts, love notes, her begging, everything. She would say she loves me and I changed her world. She would call non stop. And promise to work on things. So. I took her back. Each And everytime.
The begging and asking got less and less as I lowered my self worth each time I thought I would be working to increase our trust together.
Then started the next phase of suicide. Anytime something not ok happened and I tried to address it and talk. She would attempt to kill herself. This would include grabbing a knife and locking herself in a room. Attempting to jump off a balcony. Slamming her head on the balcony rail multiple times. Breaking a glass, grabbing a shard, and locking herself in her car and trying to slit her wrists. Even starting panic attacks to knock herself out from lack of oxygen.
I got so afraid. I was left helpless. So I pulled back on bringing up anything that was wrong. When I did even in a subtle way - she would also say she was the worst person ever, and go into a spiral of messages that no one loves her.
Well after all of this I feel she lost love, respect, and interest in me. After 4 years I became an after thought and things ended with her telling me to never call her, text her, or see her again. Out of the blue.
Since then in the start I attempted to reach out and she ignored me for 3 weeks. After that she would breadcrumb me every so often. Every 2-3 weeks she's sent emails saying how I'm the love of her life.
About a week ago she sent me a long message saying that she feels guilt about how she treated me but she just wants the guilt gone.
This week she sent songs saying that she maybe lost the love of her life but she will never open the door again, maybe she will open the window to look at me.
And finally she sent my parents a letter today telling them how appreciative and happy she was to meet them.
It's been so long since we've ended and I feel like I am on the path of recovery but I keep getting destroyed by new things she does. My self worth is gone. She took took it away completely. I go to the gym everyday but don't see how anyone could ever like me.
I just want to escape this hold that she has on my life. I don't know how. I really don't. And it's destroying my life. It's wrecking my future.

This is probably an odd way of thinking but I’ve realized that there is something on a subconscious level that gets in the way of my discipline. I don’t feel loved or wanted by anyone. And I feel because of that I have nothing tethering me to any place or person. It’s like I’m a helium balloon cut off from its string. My parents don’t care about me, they haven’t paid any attention to me since I was 13. I moved around a lot and I lost every friend I ever made until when I became an adult and stopped making any altogether. When I graduated I didn’t go to my graduation because my parents didnt care to come and I wasn’t close enough with anyone to ask anyone else to come. That moment in my life sent a deep message to me that I’ve been coming to terms with: no one’s going to show up for me. And I started letting that seep into the rest of my life to the point that I’ve altogether stopped showing up for myself. I don’t manage to get out of bed most mornings because I don’t see the point if I can’t be loved. I think of my 13 yr old self, 16 yr old self, 19 yr old. and no one showed up for me then. And I genuinely like who I was and I lost that because I can’t see anything good in me anymore. I feel like those versions were way better than I am now or could ever be again, and no one loved me when I was at the “closest to perfect” versions of myself so what’s the point if it’s doomed anyway? And I know logically what the truth is and that I can still be loved and do great things but I don’t believe in anything anymore. It’s sad knowing the truth and not being able to feel it.

I am writing this because my friend told me I should start journaling about my situation. My situation is not too uncommon but I need to get this off my chest. I was recently in a relationship that lasted for 1 year. The break up literally tore me apart because he did everything he was supposed to do from spending time to going on dates. He was so engaging that we would have never ending conversations. We related on so many levels. As we got to know each other we developed what I now see as unhealthy behaviors. He was in a profession that allowed him to make his own schedule, I was in a profession that allowed me to take off time but I was unable to make up the hours missed. All of that was ok because we made plans on how to get right financially. He lived with his parents which was ok. We planned that he would move in with me because I own my house and if we went together on the mortgage it would be less for both of us so we could get our financial situations together. I loved hanging out with him so much that I began to make my schedule reflect his. Essentially working part time. I had a bad habit of drinking that i often told him I didn’t want to bring into our relationship. He agreed but then developed the same habit. We had so much fun together.. drunk. I hated it and loved it at the same time. Out of 365 days we were together 350, he never gave me no clue of cheating.. so I thought. One day we got drunk together… of course.. and he passed out on my couch. While he was out I was still up drinking. I reached down one the couch and felt his phone… my first thought was.. let me see if I know his code. First code I put in …correct. Me still clueless I go to his text messages thinking I won’t find anything, this man didn’t play about me. I scroll through and I see mostly clients, then I see a text that says “I love you” I open it. Scroll back over the whole year we had been together and see that he was planning a future from moving in together to having kids with this woman I now know to be one of his exes F/30… I could not breathe. I then go to his Snapchat and see conversations with a woman named Laura, again another ex.. I scroll though it and the whole year the same thing, planning a future from moving in together to having kids another F/30.. at this point I’m almost on my death bed.. question… what do I do?

I am writing this because my friend told me I should start journaling about my situation. My situation is not too uncommon but I need to get this off my chest. I was recently in a relationship that lasted for 1 year. The break up literally tore me apart because he did everything he was supposed to do from spending time to going on dates. He was so engaging that we would have never ending conversations. We related on so many levels. As we got to know each other we developed what I now see as unhealthy behaviors. He was in a profession that allowed him to make his own schedule, I was in a profession that allowed me to take off time but I was unable to make up the hours missed. All of that was ok because we made plans on how to get right financially. He lived with his parents which was ok. We planned that he would move in with me because I own my house and if we went together on the mortgage it would be less for both of us so we could get our financial situations together. I loved hanging out with him so much that I began to make my schedule reflect his. Essentially working part time. I had a bad habit of drinking that i often told him I didn't want to bring into our relationship. He agreed but then developed the same habit. We had so much fun together.. drunk. I hated it and loved it at the same time. Out of 365 days we were together 350, he never gave me no clue of cheating.. so l thought. One day we got drunk together... of course.. and he passed out on my couch. While he was out I was still up drinking. I reached down the couch and felt his phone... my first thought was.. let me see if I know his code. First code I put in ...correct. Me still clueless I go to his text messages thinking I won't find anything, this man didn't play about me. I scroll through and I see mostly clients, then I see a text that says "I love you" I open it. Scroll back over the whole year w had been together and see that he was planning a future from moving in together to having kids with this woman I now know to be one of his exes F/30... I could not breathe. I then go to his Snapchat and see conversations with a woman named Laura, again another ex.. I scroll though it and the whole year the same thing, planning a future from moving in together to having kids another F/30.. at this point I'm almost on my death bed.. question... What do I do?
TL;DR;: he left me. For his exes. I think I messed up. Is this going the right way?

Last week, my best friend passed away. I’m not gonna get into details, but it really hurt.
I didn’t know my ex was in a relationship went down but the night my best friend passed away. I reached out to my ex and I called him and told him about it as he knew her from when we were dating, spoke to her and stuff like that, so I decided to tell him I thought he would be there for me as he dealt with death in his family before , me and him have been friends and known each other since 2022
I didn’t expect after me telling him my best friend passed away that he would block me. I started crying because I couldn’t believe that he would block me, especially during a time like this.
My friend ended up, reaching out to him, asking him why he blocked me during a time like this he ended up, unblocking me, and reaching out to me, telling me his girlfriend made him block me this girl he has known sense preschool, who has been dating for a week and already proposed to his parents know by the way she made him block me
He reached out seeing how I was doing and I asked him how he was doing with this and everything as well. I asked him it doesn’t seem like you genuinely care, but he said I’m spending time with my fiancé his girlfriend response to me on the behalf of Logan during a time like this, he told her everything about my best friend dying and she accused me of manipulating and gaslighting because I said like genuinely it doesn’t seem like you care especially with him blocking me the night I told him
I reached out to him today and asked him if he could politely not have his girlfriend message me on his behalf because you don’t see that for me,
he ends up being rude saying First of all you texted me when I was spending time with her, you called me on Thursday while I was with her. I unblocked you because one of your friends started fucking guilt tripping me.
I didn’t know he was in a relationship the night I lost my best friend. I didn’t know he was hanging out with her. I just wanted my ex to be there for me as a friend in a time like this who has experienced some thing that I am going through before.
I texted my ex how I respect his relationship. I respect his girlfriend, but all I asked was for him to be understanding and to be there for me and not to block me after finding out I asked him to be a good friend and then I wasn’t trying to fight or start anything am I wrong or is he in the wrong, I don’t know what to feel
Because all I wanted was for him to be there for me when I felt like I needed to go to him as a friend during time like this

Made a post a few days ago about how I run a DnD campaign for some kids in an after-school program I run for the YMCA, and subsequently how the parents of one of the kids was trying to get the game banned and whole operation shut down. I wasn't sure the best way to make an update, but I linked the whole original post above so you can have a read if you'd like ^{^}
So firstly genuine genuine genuine big thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond with input and suggestions. It means a ton and really helped a lot. So I'm just gonna jump right in with what happened.
Firstly, I took the advice about getting testimonies from parents who were super happy that I was playing this game with their kids -- we weren't allowed to have outside visitors involved in the actual meeting with HR, but I got emails and messages from mostly every parent (besides the one complaining about it lmao) to voice their support and why they think this is not a harmful thing, and in fact actually a good thing. I really think this helped a lot and was a big factor, so thanks everyone who suggested. It's not something I would've thought to do on my own ahahah.
I didn't want to come in toooooo heavy with the articles and very clear scientific proof about the benefits of developing minds playing TTRPGs', because (as it turned out) this was actually more just conversational and "pleasant" than I thought it was gonna be, at least from HRs side. I did mention to them the multiple studies done on this exact scenario, but it turned out I didn't even really need them. There were definitely moments of tension, but this was a more civil conversation than I anticipated from all parties involved. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the parents who complained had to talk to me in person WITH my bosses and HR reps present and it calmed them down a bit? But yeah anyway.
I wish it was a more dramatic story, but basically I just levelled with them person to person.
People who said they were betting on it being a Christian, satanic-panic angle: you were right, mostly anyway. As in, that was definitely a main part of their argument. They are in fact Christian and were concerned, but it was really coming from a place of ignorance about what this game is about, and they specifically didn't understand the fact that the DM (me) can entirely control what the contents of it is. I'm assuming they just googled DnD and probably saw some things they didn't agree with, but once I explained that the way we were playing it included no demon spawn or worshipping, or any killing of other humans, or allowing of murder-hobo activity, they softened up a bit. I told them it's a strictly G/PG rated experience that I'm curating for them. And of course I explained the social and academic benefits of DnD, and how much of a bonding activity this is for the group, and how much their son in particular loves it. This helped big time.
Ironically, it was their other argument about wanting active engagement for their child (ie; sports lol) that was a little harder to combat. From their and HRs perspective, this whole program and the YMCAs MO IS in fact healthy active engagement. I explained that most days of the week we are doing just that. I'm a tennis instructor as well and have played sports all my life (and they know this), so I tried to assure them that I get their child a SOLID amount of engagement (plus free tennis lessons effectively haha). I'll save you the whole back and forth, but this was a majority of our 45 minute meeting.
Im trying to wrap this up with a bow but not sure exactly how, so I'll just finish with the bullet points from the end of the discussion:

• The game is not banned! HOORAY HOORAY!
  
• I am now only allowed to play it with them once a week (on Friday), but all things considered I'll take this as a win!
  
• and best of all, the complained parents are letting their kid continue to play!!!! I'm sending them a detailed summary of the contents of my game so they can look it over, but they said with it now "officially" only being once a week, and with a better understanding of what it actually is, they will let him to continue to play. I'm so unbelievably happy.
  

So boom. Happy ending. Again big thanks to everyone for giving their advice and linking resources; it helped so much and meant a lot. This is a big win for "the community" I feel, at the risk of sounding too corny. You are all the best. I love this game so much 🥹

I am in so much pain today.
On Friday May 10th as usual I was speaking with my friend through messenger like we did every single day for years now, we have lead pretty much the same life career wise,both in our 30s, only difference is he didn't want kids. Every little thing we talked about, even if we had nothing to say I would see a traffic jam in his area and I'd be concerned that he might get delayed by it or itd be annoying for him I would give him a heads up even if he already knew. ( I am a trucker and so was he).
These past months have been different I could never put my finger on it things were different we used to speak for hours on the phone up until 6 months ago, I left the industry the phone calls became more difficult to have because our schedules changed so significantly, and about 3 months ago they just stopped, I would try to reach him but he just wouldn't answer anymore. He would always respond to messages though, except for the weekend that's when we both disconnected the best we could from our phones to try to be more present with family, but during the week we each would have 13 to 17 hour long days at work and it was always nice to know someone was there if needed.
This brings me back to May 10th a day I will regret forever. It started with me getting to my truck ( I started driving again after the 6 months because I myself had a mental breakdown from it at the time and I've only been back for about a month) at roughly 330am and the dam thing had a electronic issue, sensor somehow got damaged after sitting there all weekend, I just casually message him complaint " oh it's going to be one of those days showed up and this happened (sent him pictures of my dash and error warnings that it was showing) and within minutes even being so early in the morning bam there he is " dam man that sucks, it's probably (offers all the knowledge he has which in fact was the right answer)" we joke around a bit, I get to take the day off paid now because the truck going to sit in a shop.
Later that day I'm sitting at home and I tell him the shop confirmed it he was right, he just responds with " my trucks engine blew today and finally after getting to the shipper I lost the bill of lading for my delivery and they were pissed". I respond with a "You win" the bad day contest that we seem to have had so many times before in the past.
Sometime passes an hour or so and he finally responds " I told (my wife) that I'm not going to her parents tomorrow (may 11) Im not dealing with this this weekend" ( his wife's dad was the owner of the company he runs a truck for) I agree with him say best not to bother with it (father in-law ) he will just blame you somehow even though nothing you could do about.
This is where I should have known something was wrong. A short time passes and all he says is "I'm done" I respond with " done for the day or some working for (father in-laws company)? He responded with "Just done" which then I immediately sent 2 responses of " days off are needed for sure" and " if you need to talk I'm here as usual"
Now being a Friday night we both do our disconnect from phones him always alot more dedicated to it then me, I usually see him pop online once or twice but nothing all weekend. Monday rolls around and I send him a good morning text just to start up our usual conversation, around noon I notice my message hasn't sent and he still isn't online, I go up to my wife with alot of dread and state there's something wrong with (my friend) I don't know what it is but I can feel it.
3 hours later his wife posts from his account that he had suddenly "passed" away on Saturday May 11th. I jumped out of my chair ran out side and just screamed, I haven't stopped randomly crying since I read the Facebook post, if only he has called, if only I pushed harder for him to speak to me, the more I think about the more I believe it's my fault, I knew about his past, I knew he had be going through new medications, this man was like a brother to me I could always rely on him and he could always rely on me I just wish he asked for help from me and I didn't weigh him down with my insignificant in comparison problems.
It's selfish but I just want to talk to him again. I don't want anything else at this point. These years have been so hard and he has saved me more then once I never got to return the favour in such a way

I've been having this gut feeling that my GFs cheating on me for the past 1-2 months and am reaching a breaking point. I don't believe it's healthy for these feelings to be left to fester and am wondering whether I'm being crazy or reasonable, and if so how to start this conversation/resolve these feelings.
This started a few months ago when my GF made two new friends (M) and (F), unsure of their ages. They began hanging out, with one of their first being from 9 PM - 3 AM at a store that closes at 10 PM. They spent the remaining time in the parking lot of this shopping plaza and I heard from her maybe once during this time. Eventually, they began hanging out at the M friend's house (he lives with his parents), and she would be out until 4-5 AM with 1-2 text messages.
When I asked her about these hangouts there was 0 detail, no references to conversations had or activities they did. Eventually, I had a conversation with her about this asking her for more detail and she would slightly increase it, "We talked about music" or "We played a few games of so and so", but nothing more. Additionally, with other friends, she'll tell me distinct conversations and stories from them, however none with these friends.
I also asked about her few responses to my texts or FT calls when she's out. She explained that when she's out with friends she likes to focus on the people she's with and won't text frequently or respond to my FTs/calls when she's out with people.
I feel similar (if it's random friends), but if she were to text me or call me when I was out I would pick up without a thought. This explanation confused me and personally doesn't resonate but I feel as though it does make sense and we just have different feelings regarding this topic.
A week or two later she went out alone with M friend to play basketball and visit a gym together, from around 9 AM - 1 PM. Later that same week, the two of them went out to lunch again for multiple hours without a word from her. During the hanging out I noticed her location showed the parking lot of her community gym for ~30ish minutes. We talked later in the day when I asked if she had gone to the gym which she said she hadn't. Her gym has an outdoor seating area as well, which she's previously used and has mentioned to me before. This worried me, why are you in a parking lot for that long with another man?
This recently happened again, in the same parking lot, and this time ~45 minutes or so before a response, but this time she said she was with the F friend. This was at 10:30 pm after previously being at the outdoor seating area. Why would you move from your outdoor seating to a car for that long and that late at night? Was she really with her F friend? When I'm with her and we hang out as soon as whatever planned activity is finished she wants to leave. She doesn't want to hang out in either of our cars, she just wants to go. I'm confused and hurt as to why it seems different with her friends.
After feeling worried about this, I asked her if I could meet her friends and she was vehemently against it. She said that she 'barely knows them' and would feel awkward introducing me to them. This seemed incredibly suspicious to me. She's hanging out with them 1-2 times a week for 4+ hours at a time, and why would it be awkward to introduce your partner to your friends?
TLDR:

1. She spends a lot of time with friends without responses in 'suspicious' areas such as empty parking lots or M's friend's house.
2. She gives little detail about these hangout situations.
3. She is strongly against me meeting these friends.
4. She seems to be willing to hang out longer and in parking lots during 1 on 1 situation with her friends but not me.

I'm willing to accept that I could be being toxic/controlling or whatever it might be and work on that, but just letting this fester in my head is only intensifying my fears. What do you guys think? Am I being a bit crazy? If there's something there how would I go about resolving this?

The Beginning of the story:
https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/comments/1cmwdrb/aitah_for_not_hosting_mothers_day_brunch/
https://www.reddit.com/BabyBumpsCanada/comments/1cihbmt/sil_judgmental_about_csection_bc/
After everything that has gone on with my SIL in the past couple months I don't feel like a parent. I feel like I'm just faking being a mom and I know cognitively that I am but I'm having trouble feeling like a mom. I've been called an imposter so many times and have received so many nasty texts, messages and emails in the last few days that I don't know if I need a break or should just give up. I have all of these nasty thoughts running through my head and am worried I have failed my son. We are in the process of determining why he's missing gross motor milestones including a possible cerebral palsy diagnosis. We're in physio once a week and have a referral to BC Children's and Sunny Hill for further evaluation. What ever diagnosis we get my SIL will blame on me and make it all my fault because I had a c-section and have an autoimmune disease .
With everything that's going on I don't feel like a real mom. I just feel hollow and like I'm going through the motions. I've called my counselor and psychiatrist to get the next available appointment with both. Part of me wants to take my son and leave my husband because of the abuse from his sister that never ends. I know she's not capable of change or recognizing her actions but I can't live like this and I won't raise my son to think he's less than his cousins. I could move back in with my parents temporarily if things don't improve with my in-laws.
I just feel like I've failed and haven't been able to do what's best for my son from day one. I feel like it's an uphill battle every day. I don't know if I can do this with all of the negative comments and put downs. I don't feel like a parent or worthy of being a parent. I'm so stressed I'm not sleeping, I can't eat. I can't keep feeling like a second class citizen for making the choice to have my son and I both live. I can't be punished because he needs some extra help meeting milestones.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MediumGrouchy5547
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
I found my sister who disappeared from everyone more than 15 years ago after she ran away from home
Trigger Warnings: abandonment, depression, self-harm, eating disorder, possible mental health issues
Editor’s Note: TCA stands for trastornos de la conducta alimentaria which translates into “eating disorder”
Rastafarian: a religious movement
Original Post: April 26, 2024
I'm really happy and confused and I really don't know if I can talk about this with friends and family but I need to share my experience with someone because I missed my sister. I don't need or want any advice since no one really knows the situation to be able to give a good advice without assuming things they don't know and it's weird to read people talking about my sister like if they know what she lived, I just want to share this and I know a lot of people have had experiences like this too so maybe someone can relate.
When I was 10 years old my older sister who was 22 at that time disappeared after leaving a note to our parents saying that she's okay and just wants to start over her life.
My sister was always a lonely but outgoing person, she always told me that she enjoyed solitude from time to time and noisy things took away from her quality of life because tbh it was loud LOUD where we lived and it was annoying even for me (we lived in a dangerous neighborhood so it wasn't too safe and she hated not being able to go for a walk at night or do things at night alone), she was depressed and I remember seeing her suffering from severe anxiety attacks, she used to hit herself to stop them and she had a strong TCA that triggered those things. She suffered from other mental issues as well and talked freely about that, she talked about those things in front of me and these are things that leave a mark on you.
She was the favorite of the whole family although mi parents never out pressure on her, they always let us do our life (my brother who was 19 at that time knows that, my sister was the golden child), my grandfather always made it clear that she is his favorite granddaughter, even now. She was the calm but funny kind of person, she was the closest to my parents and uncles so when she disappeared from one day to the next no one understood what was going on.
Even my sister had never traveled alone except to go to work and she always notified my mother that she was okay for safety reasons. She left a long note clarifying that she doesn't want to be searched but she loves us. It was a big blow for the family, I remember my mother wanting to report to the police but they said that my sister was not a minor and the note said that she left by her own so they can't do anything.
In a way, my other brother knew that this would happen at some point, since our sister mentioned a lot that she wanted to leave everything and go live in the countryside or become a nun and live in a calm place without any worries but nobody took her seriously about that. She was always the kind of person who did things without telling anyone, she liked her solitude sometimes even if she was always friendly.
The first months and weeks were strange, it wasn't that she had passed away but that she disappeared because she wanted to, I remember my mother missing her because they always shared the afternoons together.
I also missed her a lot, Even years later my family missed her and at Christmas or her birthday someone would always say "maybe she'll show up now" or we would wonder how she's doing or if she was alive.
Back to the present. I'm on vacation in the south of my country (This part of my country is very expensive for a tourist and I am the only one in my family who was able to come now that I am an adult), it's a place full of villages and while I was exploring I came to a place where they sold typical handicrafts of the place.
While shopping I can swear that the first thing I saw was my sister looking at some crafts on a shelf, she looked more adult but obviously I recognized her instantly, we are really similar after all.
I didn't really knew how to react after so many years and I didn't know how she would react, but I went over and said her name. What I didn't expected was that she would smile instantly when she saw me and called me by my nickname. I thought she had escaped because she didn't wanted anything to do with the family even if in the note she said she loves us, but she was greeting me as if nothing had happened.
She told me that she didn't expected to see me there and asked me if I was on vacation, she said that the village used to be not so touristy but now more people started to go and many villagers opened stores for the tourists. I was upset, I was angry with her for leaving us and pretending that nothing happened but I couldn't react so I just asked her if she lives in that town and she said yes, It's a place filled with old people.
We talked for a few seconds, she asked me what I'm studying and if everyone at home is okay, she told me I'm taller and thinner. Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that if I have a few days off I can go visit her but she doesn't have a cell phone so she told me that she's almost everyday there. My sister also told me to send hugs to our parents.
I'm confused and full of questions about her, she doesn't even wants to hide, she didn't looked or talked to me like someone who wanted to run away from something and hide. She was just happy to see me and happy to know that we were all good.
But I also feel resentment for her when I think about all that our parents and grandparents suffered when she disappeared, making my mother feel that she was a bad mother because she couldn't protect her.
But I'm ambivalent as I'm also happy to know that she's okay and that she doesn't hate me or the family but I'm also confused, Her behavior wasn't that of someone who is hiding or who doesn't want to know anything about her past, she was just happy to hear about us.
Edit: I'm sorry but there are people who clearly don't read the post, there are literally people saying that I didn't even knew my sister and commenting as if they knew her and taking things for granted about her life, there are even people saying that they don't understand why I'm 'angry' (it's just a feeling, a normal feeling, it's not that I hate her and I will treat her badly, god. Nor will I talk to my family without talking to her first, at what point in the post did I say that I'm going to expose her? I'm never going to treat her badly either because I have no reason to do so, It's crazy how half the comments draw silly conclusions) with my sister when i literally say it up there, even if my English is bad because it's not my first language, just read the post before you want to get a few likes for some unnecessary advice.
Additional Information from OOP on his sister’s note

OOP: My sister in the note said that she loves our parents, my brother was 19 when our sister left and he himself knows how much our parents loved and supported her when she was having a hard time with herself but the outside always affected her badly.
I was ten years old but I wasn't a baby and I remember what the family dynamic was like, I remember the feeling of my family, my parents are not narcissists and my sister loved them and they love who's my sister, she just had her own problems.
How could a parent miss the idea of their children? There's not a day when my parents don't miss everything about my sister, they miss sharing the day with her, my father even missed when she was cranky. My parents always let us go our own way and I can assure you that they never pressured us to be what they wanted us to be, I don't even know what they want us to be.

Relevant Comments
Mil1512: Is your sister neurodivergent?
With the hitting herself when struggling with anxiety and enjoying solitude.
I'm neurodivergent and my family live in another country. I honestly forget to talk to them most of the time and only really do because my mum messages me first. If she didn't we just wouldn't talk. Not due to any hate or anything, I'm just happy doing my own thing.

OOP: She's not. My sister had a lot of self-destructive behaviors and hurting herself was one of them when she felt 'fat', she also had eating disorders and panic attacks because of that. I don't remember too much but she did other things to not eat besides hitting herself, she was very open about her TCA and yes, she has a diagnosis from a professional.
My sister was always in touch with my mother and everyone in text, she always used to keep in touch when she was going out until the day she left, now she doesn't even have a phone. In her note she just said that she wanted to leave everything

mikuzgrl: It almost seems like the sister has been in contact with someone for a while and thinks news is being passed back and forth.

OOP: I never thought about that but I don't think so, seeing how my parents miss her I think the first thing the family would do would be to at least tell my father that she is okay :/

 
Can people just stop with the aggressive messages? Weirdos: May 1, 2024
I understand that many reflect their personal traumas in this site, but I literally received passive-aggressive messages calling me idiot or even telling me that I would hate my sister if she were neurodivergent or claiming that my parents abused her.
What's wrong with y'all? Go to a psychologist and stop reflecting your unresolved traumas in the story of a person you don't even know. Go out and touch grass and talk to a real person instead of literally sending private messages like that.
I didn't asked for any advice and just wanted to share my story because that's the point of that subreddit, but many took it the wrong way and decided to turn something positive into a way to fight.
I don't even understand why out of nowhere I started getting those kinds of messages or if someone share that post on a weird place.
 
Editor’s Note: TLP is trastorno límite de la personalidad which translates into Borderline Personality Disorder
Update: May 7, 2024
On sunday I finally found my sister again, she was selling things in the park with other stands, all of them are rastafari, not hippies or a sect. I walked over and she greeted me just as happily, we talked a couple of things and my sister told me that she doesn't have a cell phone so it was impossible for her to tell me that she wouldn't be there on Saturday.
I spent the afternoon with her at her stand and after that we went to her house, she lives alone (and sometimes with her friends). We talked for a while and at one point she broke down and hugged me, saying she was trying to stay calm all this time and didn't knew how to react because she didn't wanted to make me cry too bc she remembered that I was really sensitive but she couldn't hold it anymore. We cried and talked a lot.
My sister was tired of people, she said that our house was her safe place but hated the idea of having to work everyday and I didn't wanted to study anything, she was our parents' golden child, so they let her do whatever she wanted, but she knew that at some point she had to make something of her life. She was tired of how stupid and empty everyone was, of the politicians, of the TV showing empty things, of the noise everywhere outside when she wanted peace, even sleeping in our home was stressful for everyone because of the noises outside during the weekends when she wanted to be alone to smoke and listen music (tbh, In my memories as a child I didn't remember the obvious smell of joints that my sister had all the time)
That added to the pressure that society put on her to be physically perfect make her want to leave everything behind.
She didn't wanted to die but realized that my parents were miserable when they saw her being miserable, this is something I didn't know, but my sister said that our father had two jobs to be able to pay for her psychologist and medication, also my father used to spoil her a lot with the only food she eat without guilty. Running away was like dying symbolically.
My sister says that although our parents always supported her, she felt like a failture for not being able to improve and always relapsing, she felt bad to see our father working so hard and also wanted to live according to her spiritual mentality, free from all that is toxic in society.
All of those things make her ran away from everything, she felt like a burden and also didn't wanted to live a life working and miserable like everyone.
Sis told me that she never contacted us because she doesn't wants to have a cell phone and a trip to our province is too expensive to her because it's basically going from one end of the country to the other.
She hates capitalist society with all her soul and doesn't even have a TV. My sister said that she is much better now away from the city. My sister told me that she wants to talk to our parents but doesn't knows what to say and we don't want to give them parents a shock since our dad was sick a few days ago and is recovering from dengue.
I'm writing this with her beside me and doesn't understand what's the point of this site (The last social network she used was fotolog in 2007) but said that she doesn't mind if I post this. She wanted to write something but said she doesn't like writing in English haha
My sister was reading the comments and wants me to clarify that she never suffered any kind of a abuse, she has a lot of friends and never had any problem with anyone but likes to be alone from time to time to meditate.
And she's not neurodivergent (She said her behavior was normal because of her TLP), suffers from ED, borderline personality disorder and see a psychologist twice a month.
During her adolescence, the blogs Ana and mia were trendy, her friends had that 'aesthetic' and she was popular in fotolog (according to my sister, at that time it was taken as an aesthetic and even a book about that was really popular between teens, maybe someone from my country knows Abzurdah?). She hated going out when she felt fat, she couldn't have imperfections like cuts on her arms so she hurt herself with a rubber band when she overate, something she read in those blogs. Now she's in a good weight but it took her really long to not relapse again. It's been a long recovery for her and once you're anorexic you never stop being anorexic, she's always afraid of relapsing.
So that's it for now, we don't know how we're going to talk with our parents without making them freak out. And also my sister after seeing the comments on the post saw other reddit posts and said that her life is definitely better without a cell phone, she says that things like fotolog was the beginning of all evil haha
Relevant Comments
OOP on his sister being involved with Rastafari

OOP: Idk how it is in other countries to be honest, my sister doesn't live in community and there are no camps, she's one of the few who has a house because most of them prefer to travel around the country.
I really think it's impossible for them to be 100% Rastafarian here tbh because we are from South America and the Rastafarian community here is obviously totally different from the REAL Rastafarians, they just follow most of the philosophy
Edit: for example, my sister doesn't consider herself Rastafarian but she share some points of the philosophy they have, I don't know how the rest of them thinks

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AdhesivenessMurky204
Originally posted to AITAH
AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: PTSD, mentions of abortion, domestic abuse, verbal abuse, sexual assault, rape
Original Post: April 28, 2024
My husband (28M, who I will call Jack) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years, we have 2 young children and I am pregnant again. I have been pregnant for what feels like most of our relationship. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. We got married a month before our daughter’s 1st birthday and ended up with a honeymoon baby. After our son was born, I talked to my OB and she put me on birth control and I have been taking it militantly.
My daughter is now 3 and my son is 2. A little over a month ago I discovered I am pregnant again, despite taking my birth control religiously. Abortion is banned in my state, and the pregnancy was discovered too far along to attempt to obtain one out of state. While Jack and I were nervous, we also love being parents and decided that 3 young kids would be a challenge, but 3 was a good number for us. Then we went in for the first ultrasound and got some unexpected news - it’s twins.
Things have been tough financially, and while we were stressed but excited for a third child, we were not expecting a third and fourth child. Beyond the finances, I am the primary caretaker and I know that twins is going to be a lot, three children under 5 is already a lot, but 4 children under 5 is going to be really really difficult for me. Physically, I am tired of being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding the majority of our relationship. It’s exhausting, it feels awful, and I don’t recognize my body anymore.
Four children is enough. I don’t want more. I told Jack that I was done with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant enough, I’ve been experimenting with different types of birth control for over a decade and I still can’t stop getting pregnant, abortion isn’t a valid option where we live, we need something more permanent. He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no - if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live. I’ve had both control fail me multiple times already and I’m not taking the chance, so I suggested a vasectomy. He was not open to the idea, and was even upset that I suggested it and told me I should get my tubes tied. I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it. He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility, and topped it off by saying “that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.” That’s when it went from a discussion to a full blown fight.
See, when I was 19 I had another birth control failure with my boyfriend at the time (who I will call Tom). I wanted an abortion, Tom did not because he was opposed. I told him I was getting the abortion since it was my body and my choice, and Tom said some horrible things to me, including threatening me. I broke up with him and got the abortion. In response, Tom ended up following me one night and attacking me. I don’t want to go into detail but it was horrible, and he ended up going to prison for a number of charges related to the attack. Not only do I have a number of scars and some long lasting physical effects, but I have PTSD as well.
Jack knows about my history and diagnosis, and has known from the beginning. I have a pretty prominent facial scar so I was upfront about it early on in our dating. Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that. I got really emotional and started crying and shouting, and it turned into a full-blown fight.
Eventually I said that birth control is a two-way street and so far I’ve been the only one managing it and he said “and now we have 2 kids and 2 more coming, great job.” I told him he sounded like Tom and he got super pissed, basically said how dare you compare me to him, and maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend. I was stunned and horrified. I said “well then let’s not waste any fucking time,”then packed up myself and the kids and drove to my parents place.
It’s been about a week since the fight. I’ve spoken with Jack a few times and he has since apologized and said he was out of line and was speaking from a place of anxiety after finding out about the twins, but also that I said things that were out of line and it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure. He said that can move on from the things I said and that he wants to see his children and be a family again. I told him no, that I didn’t want to “move on” from the things he said to me. I can’t just get over that and I think we need space apart. Jack was upset by this and while we talked I brought up getting a separation agreement to manage custody and finances while we figure things out. He did not like this suggestion, said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this.
I haven’t told a lot of people about what’s happening but my family and a couple close friends. My sister and best friend both think I should throw the whole man away, but my brother (who is the only other one married with kids) thinks that I’m being extreme for what sums up to a fight between two scared people who both said nasty things. My mom is trying to be supportive but is occasionally reminding me that I “don’t want to be a single mother of 4” and telling me not to let my PTSD drive my decisions, while my dad is being completely unhelpful (he thinks jokes are helpful - like calling me Doorknob because I “can’t stop getting knocked up”, telling me to let the oven cool down, real knee-slappers). I don’t know what to do. My kids are happy to be at grandma and grandpas house but they miss their daddy, I’m 4 months pregnant and already uncomfortable as hell, I wish I could go back to being a happy little family but I’m so hung up on the things he said in that fight. Am I destroying my family over one bad night? Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband to get a vasectomy?
Edit: I've noticed a lot of people recommending condoms. I have gotten pregnant with condoms twice. Our second child and my first pregnancy were both conceived using condoms properly (correct fit, put on correctly, single use, not expired, no breaks, etc). I do not trust condoms enough to not fail a third time. I know the failure rate is supposedly small, but it's not personally small enough for me. Edit to the edit: I'm sorry, I didn't expect so many comments so fast and I can't keep up with them. By the first pregnancy I mean the pregnancy with Tom. With Jack I was on the patch when I got pregnant with our daughter, condoms with our son, and the pill with the twins. So far I haven't ever suspected that Jack has tampered with our birth control and always presumed that I'm a fertile Myrtle.
I recognize the comments and just want people to know I'm seeing the suggestion. I'm not dismissing it, but the thought of it is deeply upsetting and has provoked a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to make it clear that if the suggestion is only based on the condoms, that the condom pregnancies were with two different partners. While I know I always used condoms properly with Tom, I do believe that Tom could have been fully capable of sabotaging the condoms.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs
Relevant Comments
deepsleepsheepmeep: NTA. Your husband is though. Your body has already been through A LOT. A tubal ligation is a serious surgery and you are right about being out of commission for a while when recovering. If he is more concerned with an imaginary future wife than he is for you, I don’t think there is much hope for this marriage.
We have 4 close friends who all got vasectomies. None of them bitched about it like your wimp of a husband. We actually had fun vasectomy themed parties for them.
On the off chance he does end up getting a vasectomy, make sure to do the follow up appointments. One of the vasectomy fab 4 did not follow through and ended up with a post-vasectomy baby.

OOP: Thank you, I feel like this is a lot of what has been so upsetting has been that he's thinking about some imaginary future wife when I'm right here, his actual wife, the mother of his children. It's like he's already imagining a future without me.

 
Update: AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?: May 3, 2024
I didn’t expect so many comments and literally couldn’t go through them all. It seemed like the majority of people said I was NTA but I did get a lot of YTAs telling me I was trying to force him to get a medical procedure and telling me to get one instead. Besides already addressing my reasonings why I made my request in the original post (which I want you to read with real "per my last email" energy), I in no way am *forcing* him to have a medical procedure, but I am saying that I do not want to be with a partner who is not willing to be snipped. This is an issue of compatibility. The number of children you want, the methods of birth control you’re willing to use, those are issues of compatibility and a reason relationships end all the time. If he doesn’t want to be sterilized that’s fine, but then that means that we’re not compatible anymore, since it means he wants more children and I don’t. Beyond that there were some YTA comments and some DMs that were just nasty, calling me a murderer and saying my body is a cemetery. Sadly enough, I expected those types of comments, because I know there are a lot of Toms out in the world.
First I wanted to address a couple things that kept coming up, because last post turned into thousands of comments that all said about 5 different things, so to avoid my inbox becoming another echo chamber:

You’re 100% going to have a C-section anyway so just get a tubal while giving birth.

No, I’m not 100% going to have a C-section anyway. Twins are not an automatic C-section. With my birth history there is no reason to presume that a C-section is in my future. My OB agrees, and has discussed the possibility as doctors have to do but also said that based on my past two birth experiences, I'm a "perfect candidate" for vaginal delivery.
I also am not going to mince words: tubal ligations are *less* effective than vasectomies with a *much higher* likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy can *kill me*. In fact I got a PM from a woman who is a fellow fertile Myrtle who had an ectopic after a tubal. I am rejecting birth control options that, if they fail, would lead to my likely death. I don’t want to be pregnant again but I also don’t want to die and leave my children motherless, and in no way should anyone assume that traveling to another state to obtain an emergency abortion will continue to be an option in the future - we live in scary times, and Gilead is a real possibility. The comments seemed to have the vibe that people think that ligations are magically more effective than vasectomies and vasectomies are more of a whisper of sterility than an actual sterilization method so for those in the back VASECTOMIES ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN TUBAL LIGATIONS, FULL STOP. So I really need y’all to shut up about it.

Go to another state and obtain an abortion anyway.

I appreciate the personal offers to help I received in DMs deeply, but no. I’m in my 2nd trimester, which I know is still legal in some places, however I am at a point in my pregnancy where I personally as an individual do not feel comfortable obtaining an abortion, considering I would be *even farther* along by the time I could travel (which is not only finances, but logistics as well). I am 16 weeks pregnant now, these babies aren’t just clusters of cells to me anymore, and I’m not going to expand on that since it’s not up for debate.

Why not adoption?

With love and respect to everyone who has gone through adoption in all its aspects, adoption is absolutely not for me. This is a thought process I already went through 8 years ago, and now that I’m a mother and not a scared teenager I know it’s even less for me. I personally could not go through with it and come out the other side intact. Going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me.

Leave him and give him full custody of the twins

No. Because going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me. Jesus, some of y’all.

Just have a sexless marriage.

No. I love banging my husband, obviously lol. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage and anyone who has been to an abstinence-only high school knows that abstinence is not the way lol. There were a lot of comments assuming I would be perfectly fine withholding sex from my husband and having na dead bedroom, and I wouldn't. I have a sex drive. I'm going to want to bang my husband. Wanting to have sex with your spouse is *normal*.

What you would do about birth control if you divorced and dated in the future?

I’m not thinking of dating anyone else right now, because I’m thinking more about saving my actual marriage instead of an imaginary relationship. And if theoretically I did, I would probably seek out a partner who was snipped or was ready to be to be honestly, or a woman. I’m bisexual so there’s a very good chance that my future partner wouldn’t have the right parts to knock me up anyway lol.

Jack is sabotaging your birth control

I clarified my methods in the original post (as per my last email), but I did want to address this because it came up a LOT. I don’t have reason to believe that Jack sabotaged my birth control. A number of other fertile Myrtles showed up and brought up they or their family members repeated pregnancies in the face of birth control, including tubals. Accusing my husband of reproductive coercion for no reason other than I keep getting pregnant is a big leap and a weighty accusation. I am not the only fertile Myrtle out there, there's a reason there's a whole term for it.

Your husband is a narcissist, abuser, psychopath, and he does no childcare

My husband and I historically have a really healthy and loving relationship outside of this fight. In fact, this fight is the first time we’ve really had a fight, we’ve only ever had little arguments that we’ve been able to talk through. He’s an active father, the reason that I do the majority of childcare is due to circumstance between maternity leaves, our job schedules and the fact that I breastfed my babies. Someone also presumed I’m the breadwinner, which isn’t quite true. Jack makes more than me, but we do not have deeply significant differences in our incomes. When he is home he does his fair share of cleaning and cooking (arguably more than me at times), and parenting. That being said, the things he said in the heat of the moment were deeply concerning, and we’re addressing that together.
So to get down to the nitty gritty of the real update: since the last time I posted, Jack and I have sat down together and had a real come to Jesus talk. I’m not going to go through the whole breakdown, but it basically boiled down to this: it’s the vasectomy, but it’s more than the vasectomy. It was wrong of me to compare him to Tom but it was wronger of him to weaponize my trauma against me in a very malicious way. The way he intentionally used the same language my abuser used in an effort to hurt me was not acceptable and damaged the trust between us. He agreed it was not acceptable and said that in the aftermath he was horrified and ashamed his own words, and that he (as an explanation and not an excuse) kind of snapped under the stress. Oh and what he said about his “next wife” was not an indication of him not being committed to me but was because he felt hurt and wanted to hurt me back. He has apologized numerous times and seems to feel genuinely bad about it.
As for the separation, I am still going forward with it. I need space and time and I need to take that before the babies come. I am still staying with my parents who, for the record, are not sick of me or the kids. We’re a tight knit family, I only moved out when I moved in with Jack, and my sister moved out about a year ago so they have been empty nesting, and my mom doesn’t like that we live “too far” (an hour) away. What I have realized with space and time is how deeply triggering it was, in a way that I cannot explain to those without PTSD from DV, those who know will know. It’s deeply unsettled me and I’m having a hard time “getting over it” so to speak. There is now a lot of fear of my husband that was never there before and it’s going to take a lot to repair that trust and sense of safety. I cannot make a decision while I’m in this space, and I am addressing this with my personal therapist. Overall, I told him that if he wanted to stay married to me I needed two things from him: marriage counseling and a vasectomy, and even then I still cannot guarantee him anything. He understands, but I do not know what will happen with the vasectomy right now, we focused more on talking about the fight, but he is very aware that it's now a dealbreaker. And we have a marriage counseling appointment set up for next week. I'm hoping that counseling will bring some clarity to the situation, and in the mean time for the next couple months I'm focusing on giving my kids lots of cuddles and preparing myself for two new babies to come into my world, with or without Jack.
Additional information from OOP on her relationships

OOP: I've been through a trial to convict my ex-boyfriend of trying to kill me because of an abortion in a deep red, deeply religious area. I've definitely heard worse things, and I typically have pretty thick skin. That being said, I am pregnant and pretty emotional, so it's not the best experience. That being said, I do appreciate the level-headed comments when I see them through the sea of comments kind of saying the same stuff over and over. I'm not reading a lot of them if what I can see in the comment notification starts off nasty, so a lot of it is just inbox white noise. My favorites are the ones that start off with "I'm not going to read that BUT..." and I just think lol same. Like you don't want to read my post but expect me to read your comment that was made without even reading the situation? lol nope. And there are a lot of people conflating "providing someone with a hard choice" with "forcing someone into a medical procedure" and it just makes wading through for the actually helpful comments more tiring. Thank you though, I very much appreciate the kindness. Sorry, I've gotten so much of the same nonsense I guess I needed a little vent lol.

OOP on wanting her husband to make a decision and be on the same page

OOP: I want to be honest with him about where I am emotionally because I want him to make an informed decision. While the vasectomy is a deal breaker, it's really my secondary concern. My primary concern is the way he acted during the fight and his intention exploitation of my trauma because he was mad and scared. I think that telling him "get the snip to stay with me" and then deciding to leave anyway because there are deeper issues and/or I don't feel safe anymore would be cruel. He deserves to have the full picture before he makes a choice, doesn't he?
If he doesn't want the vasectomy, that's his choice. It's not what I want, but it is what it is. If he wants to call it quits at 4 kids, then it is what it is and if he secretly wants to be the next Nick Cannon then it is what it is he should be free to do that. That is part of why I don't know where he is on the vasectomy right now and we didn't really discuss it much when we talked, I'm focusing on discussing the bigger issue for me which is trust and safety within the relationship. The only way for him to make an informed decision about whether or not he get a vasectomy is for him to have all the information about the situation. If that makes him want a vasectomy less, then it is what it is. It's not about making him want to have a vasectomy. It's about being on the same page.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/justathrowaway282641
Originally posted to TwoHotTakes + her own page
Previous BoRU #1, BoRU #2, BoRU #3, BoRU #4, BoRU #5, BoRU 6
Editor’s Note: removed all relevant comments from older posts to make space for new updates. To see all older relevant comments, check out the previous BoRUs above
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
[New Update]: My family forgot to invite me to my grandparents funeral, but they are convinced I was there.
Trigger Warnings: death of loved ones, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, harassment
RECAP
Original Post: November 14, 2023**
I’m 30s F and caused a major blowup in my family and now none of them are talking to me. For background, my hometown is tiny (500pop) and when I went 2 hrs away to “the city” (15,000pop) for college, I loved it. I ended up staying after graduation, got married, and am happy here for a decade. I visit my home town every few weeks or so, call/text my family near daily, and thought we were all good. My family’s pretty small. Just my brother, mom, step dad, dad, step mom, and an aunt and uncle (mom’s siblings, never married, no kids). My mother's grandparents moved to my home town when I was in high school and were just down the street from us. My family has always been pretty drama free (aside from my parent’s divorce when I was a kid) and we’ve been happy. The step-parents were blended in perfectly and we share holidays and celebrations together. We’re all super close and just the perfect little group.
Ever since I moved away, the topic of “when am I moving back?” is constant, and I’ve always laughed it off. My home town has nothing. You have to drive 30 minutes for milk and bread. 60-90 minute one-way commutes to work. And floods shut down the main road every Easter. I love the town, but I love here more. I have parks, stores, community events, a library! The “city” is great. My family grumbles that I need to move back, but I refuse. I've been trying to encourage them to come here, especially since it's not an hour drive to the nearest medical facility.
Now to the meat and potatoes: both my grandparents passed over COVID times. They were both old and their health had been failing for a while so it was only a matter of time. Thankfully they didn’t catch it, but it made visiting them impossible and we survived mostly through FaceTime. They both passed in their sleep months apart. Both were cremated and kept securely under the kitchen sink for safe keeping while the pandemic blew over. That was 2021.
Well, I just found out my family held a funeral for them and scattered the ashes in my uncle’s maple grove over the summer. No one said a word to me about it. I’ve visited numerous times before and after and not one word. I only found out because my great uncle from California posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that he is entering hospice and was so thankful his health stayed strong enough for him to see his little sister (my grandma) to her final resting place. I was confused and called my mom. She was all “Yeah, the funeral we had in July, remember?” Ya’ll, I visited them for the 4th of July. They did the funeral the 8th. Not a word about it to me. They had planned this for months. Long enough to arrange for my infirm great uncle to be brought over from the other side of the country. Apparently, they talked about it “all the time”.
Everyone is convinced I was at the funeral. They SWEAR I was there. I can prove I wasn’t because Google’s got my location history. My hubby is baffled because he was supposedly there, too, but he had to work every weekend in June and July. Time clock doesn’t lie. My family straight up forgot about me. I’m hurt. I’m sad. And they’re pissed at me “for lying”. They think I’m causing drama over nothing. Nothing I say can convince them I wasn’t there. My family is united in this. And they’ve all put me “on read” until I admit I’m wrong. They think I’ve gone nuts. Either there’s a doppelganger of me attending events, or my family doesn’t want to admit they screwed up. I’m not backing down.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and my family’s been vague posting on Facebook about “forgetful kids” and mental health. It’s so freaking weird and I don’t know if I’m in bizzaro world or what’s going on. My mom’s best friend reached out and said I should just admit I was wrong and apologize, that I’m causing my mom so much unnecessary stress. I asked her if she’s checked everyone’s home for CO2. She hung up on me. (We checked our CO2, and our testers are running just fine.) I have reached out to a few people in my home town to check in on my folks, and they all say they're fine. I even spoke with the local volunteer fire fighter group to see if they could check for gas leaks. Not sure if they were able to.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve shown them the proof I wasn’t there, but they know I’m tech savvy and just assume I’ve Photoshopped it. Hubby says we need a break, and we’re going to be staying home this holiday season.
Edit: I don't know the update rules, so I'll post updates to my profile should anyone want them.  
Update #1: November 27, 2023
Not sure how to do updates on posts, so figured I'd post anything on my profile. Folks have private messaged me and this will be easier I think?
It's 11/27 and Thanksgiving just happened. Hubby and I stayed home. We got a small turkey and made our own little thanksgiving. It was nice. We ate around noon, then watched a movie, and later sat outside with a bottle of wine to watch the sun set behind the trees and neighbor houses.
We usually take the day before off, drive to my folks, stay the night, and help with the Thanksgiving Day cooking. So it wasn't until Wednesday night that my mom broke the silence. Mom called and asked when I was showing up, and I told her we were staying home this year, but for them to have a happy Thanksgiving, and to give the rest of the family my love. She was quiet for a long time after I said that, and I think she eventually mumbled an "okay", or something, and hung up. It wasn't an angry hang up. Just a hang up. On Thanksgiving day, I sent a group "Happy Thanksgiving!" gif to our family group chat. I received a few "happy Thanksgiving"'s back. No one's said anything else. There's been no posts on Facebook.  
Update #2: December 12, 2023
So, I think I mentioned in one of my comments that my dad and I usually talk on the phone every Sunday morning. We're both early risers so we'd chat over our morning coffees and watch the sunrise. Him and I haven't really spoken since this all went down and it's been tough. I'm used to talking to him, you know?
Well, I was sitting outside in my usual spot, watching the sun rise and freezing my butt off, and he called me. I'm not entirely sure how to describe the emotions I felt. It was a mix of panic, hope, terror, happiness, and dread. I ended up answering because I just had to know what he wanted. It was an awkward conversation. He didn't address the current "drama", but instead tiptoed around the situation with all the grace of an cow on stilts. For instance, a simple "How are you doing?" Type question was answered with a "Not good." And the whole conversation would stall out for a bit because he knew why I wasn't doing well. So we ended up talking about the weather, the various winter birds we'd seen in our feeders, and the Christmas decorations around town. Things like that.
Eventually he asked if we were coming out for Christmas, and sounded sad when I told him we weren't. He asked if him and step mom could come visit us instead, and I told him it wasn't a good idea this year. That hubby and I were going to spend a quiet holiday together. I let him know he should be receiving some gifts at his PO Box any day now, so to please pick them up from the post office and put them under the family tree for everyone. He said he'd ship ours to us as well.
And that was pretty much it. No crazy drama to report. The only posts on Facebook have been the usual Christmas excitement ones, countdowns, photos of Santa, silly gift ideas, photos of company Christmas parties.
On a personal note: Hubby and I are doing alright. Our health is good, our spirits high, and we're as solid as ever. We each got Christmas bonus' at our jobs, so we're excited about that. They're not large, but we're happy to have them. We have also done advent calendars for the first time ever. I got him a Lego one, and he got me a hot chocolate one. We're going to do the calendars again next year. Maybe make a tradition out of it.
Everyone please have a safe and happy holidays.  
Inheritance: December 16, 2023
I've received a lot - A LOT - of messages and private DMs urging me to check into inheritance and such. I'm really touched a lot of Internet strangers are worried about me and I wanted to ensure everyone that inheritance is most likely not an issue here. I'd almost be relieved if it was, because then it would at least make some sense. Money does weird things to people, you know?
No one in my family is wealthy by any means. After my grandparents' passed, their small estate was used to pay for their end of life expenses and remaining assets split up. Everyone directly related got an equal split (so excluded my dad and the step parents). I don't remember the exact amount I received, but it was around $5k if I recall. My brother gave me his share, too, so I could finish paying off my college debt while the interest freeze was active.
The great uncle from California has kids and grand kids, and great grandkids of his own, and also isn't wealthy. I think one of his kids makes good money doing something in finance, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't imagine he left us anything, as we hardly knew him. My mom, aunt, and uncle only met him a few times in their lives, and my brother and I even less. Grandma and him were close, but I don't think he liked my grandpa much.  
Christmas: December 25, 2023
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I've received a lot of support through my posts and I'm really grateful. Writing these updates have had a therapeutic effect.
Yesterday was Sunday, but I didn't answer my dad when he called. I just really didn't feel up to a pointless chat, so let it go to voicemail. He tried to reach me a few times throughout the day, but I didn't answer.
Our bestie last minute invited us over to his house for Christmas day lunch (today), so husband and I were busy all Christmas Eve making cookies, peanut brittle, and homemade suckers/hard candies for his kids. Mom tried to reach out as well, but I also ignored her calls.
We had a BLAST at lunch! Our friend's kids are a lot of fun to be around. They got some techy presents from their grandparents (Quest vr headset and steam decks, lucky little rascals) Friend and his wife aren't good with tech, while hubby and I are, so we helped get them set up while our friend played a good host to his folks and inlaws. The grandparents didn't realize that a Steam deck required a Steam account, so we got the kids all their own accounts set up, added them to our steam friends lists, and gifted them some games. We also bought them a few VR games for their headset, and they were off to the races with Beat Saber in no time.
As for my folks: My brother texted and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. I think me ignoring mom and dad has caused some kind of upset. Which they deserve.  
Brother’s call: December 26, 2023
Spoke with my brother over the phone this morning.
For starters, he apologized for everything. Him and I are good (for now). For a bit of background, my brother and I are only 2 years apart. There weren't a lot of kids around growing up, so the two of us were often stuck doing stuff together. So we have a lot of shared interests and passions. He's been pretty silent on this whole matter, but still "part of the group", if you know what I mean. I think the thought of losing him out of my life was probably the most painful, because he's always been there. He was my rock until I met my husband. He's definitely a Mama's boy, though, so anything mom wanted, he made sure she got. I'm happy to have him back.
Without further ado, here's the story from the horse's mouth:
Mom apparently had a cancer scare late last year (which no one told me about, go figure), and dad had a stint put in his heart back in January (which I did know about). This "sense of mortality" has apparently lit a fire under Mom's ass to get me back home. But since I wasn't reacting to her passive aggressive hinting, she and step mom decided to go full crazy. My great uncle's health was bad, and he'd been asking about funeral arrangements for his sister (my grandma) for a while, so the moms decided to plan it. And use the event as a giant middle finger to me. They kept all the planning pretty hush-hush between the two of them, so no one on our side of the family actually knew about the funeral until like 2 weeks before. The moms said they'd invited hubby and I. No one thought anything about it. No one thought to mention, confirm, or check with me.
The plan was to scatter the ashes, say a few words, and maybe head to town for lunch. It was a small affair. The mom's didn't even tell the family that our great uncle was coming for it. Like I said, it was a small thing. Barely a footnote. No one thought it was odd because we're pretty chill people.
4th of July happens. Hubby and I are out. No one thought to mention it, as we were all busy celebrating and having a great time. Any time the topic of "this weekend" would start, the conversation would be quickly shifted by one of the moms. We went back home.
8th of July happens. Great uncle rolls into town with a few of his kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, and it's a surprise to everyone (but the moms). Everyone drives to the maple grove and the moms have brought a ton of food and stuff. It's a full blown party. No one on my side noticed I wasn't there, because there were so many extra faces outside the usual group. They did the spreading of the ashes, they said their words, they ate, they had a great time. It wasn't until our great uncle left, and all his side left with him, that they realized I wasn't there. And hadn't been there.
And this is where the crazy went up a notch. My brother says the moms were happy no one noticed I wasn't there. And that this was proof to everyone that I needed to move back because I was so easily forgotten about. Because none of them thought to reach out, right? They basically did a ton of guilt tripping manipulation bullshit and it made everyone upset at me for not showing up. Somehow it was my fault for being excluded. So suddenly everyone was on their side with "sticking it to me".
But then a few months went by, and tempers cooled, and then I guess the horror of it set in. Followed by the shame, but by then they were "in too deep". How do you undo something like this? And since I hadn't brought it up, I guess they figured they would all just stay quiet about it and hope I never asked about a funeral.
That's when I discovered the situation from my great uncle's Facebook and called my mom, who panicked and went with the stupidest solution. Claiming I was there. Don't I remember?
I ended up talking with a few friends from high school, mentioning the situation, and word got back to those in town. So suddenly town gossip and little old church ladies got involved. Was I, or wasn't I at the funeral? Did my family forget to invite me to the funeral of the only grandparents I'd ever know? Or am I just causing a ruckus? My brother said they all just went with mom's answer. Of course they wouldn't forget me. Of course I was there. Of course they're good people. And it just snowballed.
The family expected me to eventually fold. I'm usually a nonconfrontational person, so me sticking to my guns was unexpected. And then I missed Thanksgiving. And now Christmas. With no sign of backing down. And I guess the realization that I could just stop being part of their lives is setting in and my parents are panicking. He's tried just getting them to apologize and explain, but stubbornness prevails. They want to rug sweep, but I'm not letting them.
My brother is upset with everything that's happened. He's realized just how crappy it all has been and he wants nothing to do with it anymore. But since he lives with my mom, he can't "get away from it".
He has asked if he can come stay with us for a little bit. I spoke with hubby, and he's in agreement with me that my brother can come crash in our spare bedroom for as long as he wants. Brother works remotely, so it's no trouble for him to pick up and go. I believe he's making the trip today or tomorrow. Not entirely sure, but I expect crap to hit the fan when he arrives.
On a side note, hubby's stoked that my brother and I made up. The two usually game together, but haven't due to "the situation". He's downstairs right now setting up his man cave in preparation for my brother's arrival. I'm happy to see him so excited.  
Brother's Here: December 27, 2023
My brother rolled in late last night. He'd obviously been crying and when I opened the door, he just held me and sobbed. I'd never seen him like that before and soon both of us were just standing in the doorway crying into one another. He kept apologizing. Over and over again. Said he wasn't sure why he went with it. Just kept saying sorry. Hubby got him all set up in the spare bedroom while brother and I talked. My brother's a wreck. He's always been a big guy, but he's lost a lot of weight and his clothes just hang off him. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was on drugs. We talked for a little bit before bed and he re-explained everything for my husband. I'd told hubby the story, but it was just so weird that hearing it again helped.
This morning my brother was up at dawn making some coffee and getting his work day going. Hubby's off all week (lucky) so hubby made us working folk some pancakes and bacon. So far everything's peaceful. We've decided not to answer any calls from our family. They've been made aware that he arrived safely, and that we are going to spend the New Years together, and that we're not answering any calls until January 1st. They may text if they wish. I'm sure they're losing their minds. Serves them right.
Everyone, have a safe and happy new years! Don't drink and drive!  
Happy 2024!: January 2, 2024
I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable holidays, and may the new year be full of joy and happiness!
Not too much of an update. Things here have been quiet. My brother's settled in nicely and he's a great housemate. Our place isn't very big, but we have full basement and a nice outside patio/porch area so it doesn't feel crowded at all with the extra addition. He's a quiet and clean guy. No hassle at all. He got some fresh clothes from the Walmart, a haircut, and trimmed his beard, so he's more "presentable" now. He's a lady killer when he gets cleaned up. He's made nice with the (very nosy, but kind) retired couple next door and is adapting to "city living" nicely.
Folks back home have been mostly well behaved. There's been a few texts back and forth, as we're not answering calls. Mom mainly wants to know when brother's coming back, but he's keen on staying here for a while. Mom said I can't "keep him" and I told her he's a grown ass man and can do what he wants. Brother says he has her blocked after she ORDERED him to return home.
Brother has tentatively asked if he could stay long term, should he decide to, or at least longer than a usual visitor would stay. Which we're fine with. He has a good paying job and could afford an apartment, but he's never lived on his own and I would guess he has some anxiety about it. Should that be the case, he'll start paying us some rent and we'd probably adjust to give him the basement as his own space.  
Had to change the locks: January 17, 2024
My brother is officially staying with us for the long haul. Hubby and him spent all Sunday organizing the basement and shifting things around so he now has his own area to be comfortable in. He's pretty handy and has also started fixing little things around our house. Our windows and doors have never closed and locked/unlocked smoother. He even fixed one of the closets we never use because we can never get the darn door open. Sadly, he also had to change the locks on our house and get us all new keys.
This is because while hubby and I were out this Saturday, the moms showed up. They'd been calling and texting us all week, but we weren't really answering them, so I guess the two decided to drive over and hash it out in person. They have emergency keys to my place, and just let themselves in. Brother told them to leave, they argued, and my nosy (but kind) neighbors called the police when they noticed the commotion. So, we get a call from neighbor's wife, return home to some cops in our yard, all the neighbors out "vacuuming their trees", and my nosy (but kind) neighbors standing on my porch with my brother behind them, doing their best Gandalf "You shall not pass" impression.
Had to talk with the cops, explain that we were having a family dispute and word vomited. I don't really remember what all I said, and was shaking a lot. Our local cops are really great. Fantastic guys and gals in blue, and took it all in stride. It's really cold here, so one had me join him in his cruiser with the heat on, and gave me a bottle of water to calm down while we talked. They asked if we wanted the moms trespassed but I wasn't sure if that counted as a criminal charge so just asked the cops if they could just make them leave, which the cops did with no fuss. I think the moms were shocked we were taking this so seriously. They didn't fight or scream at us. Just left quietly.
My dad promised me he'd make sure his wife left us alone. "Or else". He said he'd also have a stern talk with my mom. Him and I talked Sunday morning, and he seemed absolutely at the end of his rope. Husband jokingly told my dad he could move in, too. To which he declined.
Not sure where to go from here, but we're getting some ring cameras installed once they arrive. And everyone but my dad is blocked. Hopefully they all just leave us alone.  
Nothing New To Report: February 2, 2024
Had a lot of DMs for updates, but don't have much anything to report on. The moms are behaving themselves. All's quiet on the western front. Felt weird ignoring or copy/pasting "no updates" to everyone, so here's what we've been doing, should anyone care.
Dad got a new bird/squirrel feeder from Amazon (looks like a little picnic table for a child's dolly but has a mesh top for the bird seed. I think it's supposed to be for chickens?) It's totes adorbs. To his horror, it also works as a Cooper hawk feeder, so now he's "fortifying his defenses" and putting up some trellises around it. He'll have to wait till warmer weather before planting anything to grow on them.
We had some ring cameras installed and put in a motion-activated camera that double functions as a light bulb. It goes in the light fixture outside the front door and is pretty cool. Video quality isn't all that great, but it's a nice addition I guess. It does overlook the bird feeders, so I've been watching it on my lunch breaks on the days I have to go into the office.
Hubby and brother are feuding. They started a coop farm in Stardew Valley a few days ago and they both want to romance Leah. My husband confided in me that he's also been romancing Sebastian as a backup. I'm not sure why he's keeping this a secret, but he's pretty smug about it.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
fractal_frog I hope your dad can outsmart the hawks!

OOP: He'll be able to, I just know it. He's used to dealing with the wildlife and having hawks about, but he just wasn't expecting one to snag a meal right from his new feeder.
I told him it was "technically" still a bird feeder. Just....for bigger birds. Which he thought was funny. He said he might make a little "no hawks allowed" sign to put up next to it.

MissOP: keep the updates coming. the moms are so close to folding it's just a little bit more. LMAO also, the bro mance between your husband and brother is so cute. lol Honestly, I think your husband making sure he has a side piece of Sebastian is absolutely the play.

OOP: So far still no word from the moms, but I hope you're right. I would love an apology and for us to begin moving past this. But I NEED that apology. I feel selfish saying that, but I refuse to "be the bigger person" on this. I just won't.
As for my brother and husband, yeah, they're basically soul mates. The two hit it off immediately when they first met, and they've been thick as thieves for years.  

Update: February 27, 2024
My dad came out for a visit over the weekend. We had a good time and the weather was lovely for some grilling and beers. It was really nice to see him again and he seemed healthy and in good spirits.
Here's his report from back home: Step mom (dad's wife) has started to realize she's screwed up. I credit her change of mindset to the fact that my dad sat her down and laid it out for her: she leaves his kids alone, or she's getting divorce papers. That apparently shut her up right quick, because they had a prenup done when they married and I'm not sure the details of it, but it wouldn't end favorably for her. She hasn't worked in years, so I imagine she'd be eligible for alimony? But I'm not versed in any of that legal mumbojumbo. Dad didn't seem too worried about it, so I'm not gonna worry about it.
Step dad was pissed the police were involved in the last "mom visit" (despite no one getting arrested or anything) and was in a "the kids are out of control and need to be reigned back in" mindset. When my dad pointed out that "the kids" in question were all in their mid-30s, it took some of the steam out of stepdad's sails. According to my dad, even my mom looked a little surprised when he said that. So, part of me is wondering if a good chunk of this whole thing is my mom not truly realizing that her kids were grown, and no longer children she could make demands of. Both of the moms have left us alone. I expected my mom to continue to kick up a fuss, but I think the cops spooked her.
There was a wonderful suggestion by a comment or to get their pastor involved, which I passed along to my dad. Dad has since spoken to their pastor about everything. He's a young guy, relatively new to their church, and joked that his first month on the job he had to do 3 funerals in a row and his new "flock" were just dying to get away from him, so he's got a sense of humor which is nice. The new pastor agreed to sit down with everyone and help the family hash it all out in a true "Come to Jesus" type moment next month, so that maybe we could celebrate Easter together as our first holiday as a family. Dad said the pastor was aware our family was having some troubles, but unsure of exactly what was going on, and since he was new, the pastor didn't want to pry. He has also agreed to do a small service down at my uncle's maple grove later in the summer, as it usually floods and is a muddy mess all spring. According to my dad, my aunt and uncle are so over all the drama and just ready to move on, so I expect hugs and apologies from them when we next meet.
Stardew Valley Update: My brother was victorious in the grand fight for Leah. It was a hard battle. Well fought. When my husband exposed his plans to woo Sebastian all this time, it was quite the betrayal. Dramatics aside, their farm is really cute and I'm so happy they're enjoying the game!  
Update 4/1 - Final one I think - April 1, 2024
Happy April Fools everyone! I hope you all check your caramel apples for stray onions before taking a bite! I also hope your Easter weekend was a delightful one.
It is with great joy that I tell you all about our most recent update! Possibly even a conclusion to this whole ordeal.
The entire family (aunt, uncle, moms, dads, brother, me, husband) and pastor met at my dad's house and we all sat down to hash the situation out. As expected from what my dad said, my aunt and uncle greeted us all with apologies and hugs, which was nice. My uncle usually helps host the Easter egg hunts with the church and he brought our Easter baskets to give to us in case us kids weren't sticking around the for the weekend. I'm not sure why but seeing it made me tear up and feel stupid, because it was just a basket of candy but it meant a lot to me for some reason.
The pastor led us in a prayer and talked about forgiveness and such. He then asked us all to talk one at a time about how we're feeling and what we want the end result of today to be. No one was allowed to interrupt so everyone got to talk. It was nice. The consensus for the group was that most everyone wanted things to go back to "normal". The only ones who had any variance off this was my mom and step dad. They both wanted all us kids to move back to the area.
The pastor asked them why they wanted us back, and neither could give a good reason other than "because family", and the pastor asked us if we were thriving where we were. And we said we were. He asked if we were happy there. Which we were. He then asked my mom and step dad if they wanted us to give up our happiness to make them happy.
And Mom broke down and said no. We all had a good cry. The pastor then asked about the funeral and lies that led up to it and followed it and how it made us all feel and what we wished we'd done differently if we had the chance. It was all very emotional, but in a good way, you know? Everyone apologized and admitted they f-ed up and did a really crappy thing.
We all talked for a long, long time and the pastor was a great mediator. Eventually we all reached some sort of resolution and I think we're good now. Emotions are still high and a little raw in areas, but we stayed for Easter weekend and had a nice time. We're going to keep moving forward slowly and try to repair the relationship, but I believe we're well and truly out of the woods.
As for my brother, he's still staying with us, and mom will stop trying to guilt trip him back home. He's thinking about renting a small apartment in our area but we're not pushing him to make a decision. He knows he's welcome to stay as long as he wants. I think he wants to try dating (he's had a few girlfriends but never anything serious) and is embarrassed to bring any girls around our place, lol. He's been going to a few random classes/bookclubs at the local library for something free to do and hitting it off with all the little old ladies who attend, and they keep trying to hook him up with girls his age who they know. He has been on a few lunches/coffee dates with a couple girls, but I think he's too embarrassed by the attention to give it a real try at "dating" any of them. He's happy, though, which is all I could ask for.
I'm not sure if there will be any more updates, as I think it's all be resolved about as much as it can be at the moment. I wanted to thank you all for your words of advice and giving me a place to vent and scream into the void. Please be kind to one another and to yourselves. Thank you.
Relevant Comments
emjkr: What a nice and hopeful update, I’m really glad you stuck to your guns when everyone threw sanity out the window!
But, could your mother explain how she thought this would work out in her favour?

OOP: I don't think mom thought too far ahead. I believe she assumed it would all just magically work out the way she wanted it to. She said she wasn't sure what she was expecting to happen (which I think was a lie, but I wasn't going to push it).

mak_zaddy: This was a great update! But ummmmmm no stardew valley update? What gives? Has Sebastian been woo’ed? How’s Leah? What’s happening?

OOP: Sebastian has indeed been wooed (and whoohooed) There's kids and cows and chickens. The two are still having a wonderful time at the game. They're working on completing the community center but it's slow going as they aren't trying to speedrun and just doing things as they want. I believe they're thinking about going into the desert mines once they complete that bundle, but they're both super chicken shit about it!

-my-cabbages: I don't really understand what you had to apologize for ... but I'm glad you're happy and the situation seems to be settling down

OOP: There wasn't much of an apology on my end, as everyone agreed I had done nothing wrong. Mine was more of a "I'm sorry you didn't feel as though I would listen." Type apology, which I don't really believe is a proper apology because apologies like that push the blame back on another. I mostly expressed my feelings and the shock of it all, and how betrayed I felt.  

----NEW UPDATE----

Small, happy update: May 7, 2024 (1 month later)
Things as wonderful as the moment. Still doing baby steps with The Moms. We're texting and talking on the phones more, which is nice. Very civil.
Dad "accidentally" bought a bunch of hand crafted bird feeders at a craft fair. By accidentally, I mean: he had a little too much fun in the beer tent, went for a stroll while step mom wasn't looking, and stumbled upon a guy's booth and bought "one of each". He wouldn't tell me how MANY "one of each" was, but he cackled like a witch when I asked. Step mom said she's forcing him to give a few to me, so I'm expecting a delivery or a Dad-visit any day now.
My brother is officially "going steady" with a girl. We've met her a few times and she seems like a real sweetheart. She's our age and has a little boy (5-6 years old, I haven't asked) from a previous relationship (The dad's not in the picture from what I can gather). She's the granddaughter of one of his Book Club members, so the old ladies made good match makers in the end. The relationship is still very new and I'm routing for them.
No new Stardew Valley updates. Work has been a little crazy lately and I haven't been able to play much of anything, and brother has been distracted by his new lady friend. So, husband finally started Baldur's Gate 3, and fell for Gale's "magic trick" so now those two are a thing. I expect him to be sufficiently distracted from reality for the next few weeks.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I have a sister who is a single parent to two kids in elementary school. She’s divorced and her ex is a shitty person. She has her kids most of the time and has a job with a decent amount of work travel required.
I am the only local immediate family member she has. I live about 30 minutes from her and most of the rest of our family lives hundreds of miles away.
Almost every time she asked me to watch her kids for a few hours, I tell her yes. Several of these requests have been on extremely short notice and I always travel to her house to watch the kids. I’ve also never asked to be paid for the babysitting.
Recently in a group text message she has been lashing out at me and our siblings by saying we aren’t supportive and she doesn’t feel we desire to have a relationship with her kids.
I have acknowledged to her many times that her situation is really horrible. I’ve also reiterated over and over again that my capacity is that I’m able to watch the kids from time to time for a few hours.
I’ll still continue to help her out occasionally with her kids when she asks me, however, I am going to low contact with my sister. It’s too much for me to be on the receiving end of her anger at her situation/her ex. It’s been this way for years and even before she was a single parent she’d still lash out at us for not traveling 3+hours each way to babysit.
Has anyone else childfree experienced something similar?

I (26M) caught my girlfriend (23F) in a web-of-lies.
I'm extremely devasted and my mind is clouded as I write this, but I have caught my girlfriend (23F), with which we have been dating for 6 years in a web-of-lies 3 Times in our dating period.
She has left me in my lowest point.
In the beginning of our releationship I caught her deleting a messages on her Iphone. I then confronted her and she told me that she deleted those messages because I would get the wrong impression of them and would end the releationship. She told me that she was scared to lose me, as I'm jealous of other males, which in fact is true, but I think my feelings were right all along.
I forgot the content of the message.
I let it slide, since we were in the beginning of our releationship (Maybe 1-2 years into it) and I also wasn't faithful at that time. I have even shared this with her at some points of the releationship, as I'm honest. The thing is that she said that she loves me so much that she would never do such a thing to me.
Slowly - I let my guard down, as she was with me during very hard moments in my life, where she could have easily left. As I let my guard down - I started adoring her and the thought of other girls started to dissappear.
She was extremely sweet, innocent and loving. No matter what I did - she was always there for me to support me and was always on my side.
I started focusing more on work, we were seeing each other everyday and everything was flourishing, but I never stopped being envious when she came with me at a disco/bar with friends or where there were other males.
I always felt as she had an eye out for some of them and always felt like I didn't satisfy her completely, as she had previously made remarks about our sexual encounters, which were above regular.
I slowly started to trust her more, as she continiously gained my trust by her action. Meanwhile I was 100% focused on my businesses and success.
She was working in a kid's playground and selling cakes. I was always there and supporting her.
As my success progressed - we started to go out on world trips on the most beautiful places and fell deeply in love (or so I thought)
4 years had passed by. She was still good an innocent (or so I thought).
On the 4th year - I made a project that made me life-changing money. I took her in Dubai with my whole family and spent a fortune to please them. Unfortunately - she was not happy there, I felt like she didn't support me at that moment. She didn't care what I did, she didn't care about my success. She tells me 'This is your success, not mine' 'This is your money, not mine' I told her I want to buy a house for us and she said 'This will be your house'
I then fell into an emotional pit, because everything I do is to support my family and create one wit her.
I got extremely mad, this feeling didn't fade away. I wanted to end it with her, because she didn't acknowledge anything.
The summer was approaching, we got into a fight over something (I Think I caught her again) - We separated for a month, she started crying and was working the whole month. - I went on a vacation with friends, where I cheated on her (Only kissing) and started approaching other girls. But while doing all this - My girlfriend never left my mind, I was extremely sad that I ended it with her.
I opened up her Instagram Account and saw on her story how she is on vacation with two good girls from her work and one baby (She was lonely by the looks of it and extremely sad)
I got back from the vacation and started working things out with her, I took her on a vaction, we had a bonding there, but something didn't feel right... She seemed sad.
I started gambling on crypto futures... I lost 20% of my networth... I got extremely mad.
We went back in our country and then I took her on another trip. I bought her everything she wanted, I took her everywhere she wanted, I did everything to please her. My focus at that time was entirely on her.
She wanted to go in the casino - we went. I lost money, but gave her, since she wanted to stack an amount for a nose operation.
(Not because the nose was broken or something, but because she wanted to look better)
Business started getting bad, my income vanished.....
I started trading more in order to get back to my previous amounts...
I lost it almost all.. I had 1 reserve fund which was locked and I waited a couple of months to take the funds out. She was there with me even when I lost.
She finished her operation.
I got the reserve fund. I started trading, I made half the amount back. She wanted me to buy her a car - I did. I bought a land as well, on which I wanted to start building our house.
After all that - I lost all my funds again...
She had been constantly in a fight with her parents and wanted to move out.
I had one small income left - with all the funds I had, I rented an apartment for 6 months.
During those 6 months - I focused on working, but was losing due to my gambling habbit.
She got a new job. She started going out with friends. Sexual intercourse decreased by a lot.
I told her that I don't like her going out till 6 AM in the morning. This just isn't right with me, so I got suspicious.
I hacked her laptop... she saw a notification and rushed to the house... I was able to see a lot of things, but it appears - she was deleting evidence, so I asked her to give her phone. - She gave it to me.
Unfortunately - I knew how to see deleted messages on an Iphone. I saw only one message, the content was:
'Don't message me anywhere again.'
I got filled with rage and we had a fight. She was fighting with me to get her phone back. I gave it and told her I want to end it.
As he was a famous greek singer - I was able to analyze when he had concerts and saw that on those dates - she had been visitng those concerts...
3 Days later - we talked and worked it out.... I was madly in love with her at this point. She told me that she arranges stages for him. (It's related to her new job)
My gambling habits were in full force. I lost a lot of money and couldn't afford a rent of a high-cost, so I told her - Let's move out to my mother's place and in the next 1 year I will make sure that I succeed again. (My mother isn't living inside the house, but my brother is)
She agreed roughly. So we moved and I started working, but unfortunately - The money I felt I was making was not enough, not nearly enough to buy an aparatament or build our house. She was acting kind, innocent.
I went out on a birthday party and my friend created a circumstance, where I would sleep with a girl next to me. I knew she really liked me and hooked up. We were going to have intercourse, but as I did anything - my girlfriend was on my mind and I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than kisses... I just couldn't.
She started going out with friends again. She was going nightclubbing with them, but assurred me - she was doing it for her own fun.
She was meanwhile stacking money to get a boob-job done. - She did it, made her boobs bigger. She assurred me that she was doing it for her own fun.
6 months have passed. - I stopped gambling, but she told me that she doesn't like my house, doesn't like that I'm living with my brother and she doesn't see a future with me.
She told me she would leave and go in her cousin's apartament, but he doesn't want me there.
I told her that I want to break up with her, because she doesn't want to be with me at my lowest point. I told her that she probably wants to leave the house to go out nightclubbing and find someone better than me. She felt offended (Or so It seemed), but I think that was the truth. She told me that she wants to have kids with me, she loves me, etc.
The next day: She goes out of city without telling me anything about her location. At night: she goes in a nightclub with her friends + other males.
I ask her in 2 AM - 'Where are you right now'? She comes in and out of 'Online' status. and at 4 AM I notice a follower increase on her Instagram, she follows him back - I send her a video and ask who the f is that? She responds 'What do you want', 'This is an old friend', 'Stop being envious'
I get extremely angry and stop responding. The next day I check the live photos of the nightclub and pray to god to give me a sign that I'm not delusional and exactly the next photo - She is on the same table, with the same guy, with her friends and other males. She told me she was sleeping.
1 Day passes - she starts messaging me and sending me photos with the quote 'Let's promise we will never leave each other and fix everything when things go wrong.' 2 Day passes - she starts messaging me, so I show her that I don't want to talk with her. 3 Day passes - no one messages. 4th day she messages me: "Are we breaking up?" and I told her "Do you think I want to be with someone, who constantly lies to me, goes out nightclubbing and adds some r*tards in Instagram?" She told me - "First of all - I'm not lying about anyhing" Then I ask her - "Why have you added this person in 4 AM in the morning"? She replies: "I have had him for some time now, he is an old friend" I told her that I monitor her followers and know if he is old or new" I told her that she looks like trash in my eyes at this point and she got angry She told me she isn't obligated to tell me anything and she hasn't added him in 4 AM, she will not be repeating her self.
I ask her: - Can you tell me where were you at that time (The night that this happened) ? She tells me: - Like every night - at home. I sent her a photo of the live nightclub photo where she is with him, her friends and other male friends. I tell her 'I hope this is gives you an answer for everything' 'My girlfriend died a long time ago' She starts sending laughing emojis and says: "It's good, right?" "You killed her more likely and made her what she is today" I tell her "It's possible" She responds "As you can see - he is with his girlfriend, DON'T THINK WRONG THINGS OF ME" I told her: "Don't explain yourself" "This was my last question." She is now telling: "This is a driver of... and some time ago my friend hooked up with him, this is from where I added him, I haven't added him now" I told her: "I don't think anything of you." She responds "The last two years you have not thought of me anyway" WHICH IS NOT TRUE. I tell her "I wish you all the best, I hope you find what you are looking for" She responds "Me too, be happy" I respond "I have only one question left" "When did my girl die?" She reponds "You can always contact me if you need any help" I respond: "Thank you, but I don't think of searching for contacting you anymore" She asks: "Which is your girl?" I respond "The good girl that loved me and was always with me or was this just a product of my imagination? Be honest" She said: "Whatever you feel like" I respond "Okay, good night" Then I forward the message "You can always contact me for help" and I say: "I really loved you and will miss you" She reponds: "I will never stop loving you. There is no way to stop loving a person with which you have been in a releationship for 6 years" "Good night, I will not upset myself anymore" I ask her "Why would you do this to me?" She ask "What did I do to you?" I told her "It's pointless to say, I have a lot more information that on the photo" She says "We were in this town for a doctor checkup, after that we went to a nightclub and accidentially met them (The person and his male friends)" I ask her "Will you stop with the lying?" She says "I'm telling you" I respond "Good night"
Now my question is:
I'm a sucker for her love. Maybe I'm just in love with the old her. I have never loved any girl as much as I love her. I feel absolutely terrible. Maybe part of this was my fault. Maybe it was my fault that she became like this..
What do I do from here? I don't think I will ever love a person this way.. I wanted her to carry my children and raise a family with her.

This is going to be a long one. I just need to write it out so I don’t end up talking to anybody about it IRL (I don’t want many people to know - because I can’t handle anybody saying “but she is your mother” at this point), I just need to write this all down to get it out of my system.
And yup, definitely mommy issues here. I grew up with only her, only child, and she isolated us from everybody else because of her hoarding (and her personality). I feel like I have been living my life like an orphan trying to raise myself, combined with the strange mix of being a child who never felt like a child, who was trying to be the parent for my parent.
I’ve had a lot of… unfortunate events take place in my life, things that when I have told people 5% of it they would say it sounds horrible, that no person should experience things like that (in a variety of categories). But… I am dead set that the one thing that has affected me the most in my life is my mother’s neglect.
She did her best, it wasn’t good enough.
It’s been almost 6 months since I went no contact (well technically very low contact since I have exchanged maybe 5 - 6 text messages in the past half year) with my mother, and it got me thinking what pushed me over the edge to go no contact this time around - considering my mother hasn’t changed that much at her core. Sure, she has gotten older and even more rigid, but she is still my mother, with the same personality traits she always had.
I went to visit her three times last fall. I tried to help her. Be her “parent”. Take her to various doctors after she has neglected her own health for years. Arrange for home help. Clean up the worst of the hoard (like the literal rotting trash). Get the bathroom and kitchen back into a functional state so she can continue to live in her home. Try to clean up the worst parts of how she has neglected herself and her surroundings (her apartment).
That in itself didn’t make me go no contact.
It wasn’t that I came to a hoarded, dirty house that made me cut her out.
It wasn’t that she blatantly lied and said she had cleaned the apartment to bait me into coming visiting in the first place that made me go no contact.
It wasn’t that she refused to accept help from anybody but me until I put my foot down and pretty much forced it through.
It wasn’t even that she was so rude to both nurses and me, always either wanted to have power over someone or being the victim.
It was wasn’t even that she has so little interest in me or anything about me that she has no idea about what is going on in my life.
All of those things are sad, devastating even, but those things didn’t make me say “enough”. I’ve been living with her as my mother for close to 40 years. Of course, all of these things were some of the underlying factors, but I what drove me over the edge was a ridiculous, tiiiiiiiny little thing, tbh. And to explain that tiny little thing, I need to give some back story.
When I moved back from another country I had brought back a blanket from that country that I used on my bed. I used it when I lived with my previous partner in this other country, I used it when I lived alone in that country, and I used it when I moved back to this country and stayed over in the tiny room in her apartment I cleaned out so I had a base to help her with the rest of the apartment.
Because of Covid (and my reluctance to go back into her hoarded apartment), I had not been in that apartment for 4 years (2019 - 2023). In that apartment there was a tiny 6 square meter room that I cleaned up.
When I say “clean up”, it is an understatement. That room had been completely been blocked off because of her hoard from top to bottom from when I was younger. To the point where the door did not open and it was impossible to enter the room. I literally had to pry the door open, and try to pull out item by item until there was enough space to actually open the door.
But I cleaned the entire 6 square meters over the years! I bought a little foldable bed, a pillow and a duvet, some furniture, sorted my stuff in there, and my mother promised that this could be “my room” in her apartment. This was because she really wanted me to come visiting (and she needed my help), and the rest of the apartment is… unsanitary. I had two specific requests for that room - that she would not put any of her hoard in there, and not let the cats in there - since I am allergic. (I can take an allergy tablet and be fine around cats, but I can’t live in an environment with a ton of cat hair.)
When I returned for the first time in 4 years in 2023, the little room I’ve kept clean years prior was covered in cat hair and cat puke. And she has started hoarding there again as well. So she broke that promise - to keep that ONE tiny room cat- and clutter-free. (Technically she also flat out lied and said she has cleaned her apartment so I would come visit in the first place, but I thought that it sounded so far fetched I didn’t believe it in the first place. But the ONE tiny room though, I trusted she could keep that tiny space in her house - and her heart - for me.)
I got both sad and angry when I saw the state of the room. I had to buy a new pillow, and a new duvet, new sheets - which wasn’t covered in… cat piss, puke and hair. But my blanket, my dear blanket… I said that the least she could do was getting it dry cleaned. That was on visit number one last fall.
I even found a place she could hand the blanket in, and we even went there together and made sure they could clean the blanket for like 50 dollars (not a terrible price in this country for that type of blanket).
The blanket was completely covered in cat hair and what I presume to be cat puke (despite her swearing that the cats had never been in that room EVER or on that blanket on the bed EVER. She really took delulu is the new solulu to another level. I really think she believes her own lies). I cleaned off as much haipuke as I could from my blanket. Then I packed it up in a sealed bag, so it was ready to go to the dry cleaners.
Came back a second time, about a month later. She hadn’t taken the blanket to the dry cleaner yet. My itinerary was packed, following her to doctors appointments, setting up home help, the whole shabang.
Came back for the third time last fall, about a month after that again. She still had not taken the blanket to the dry cleaning. It was right where I left it, gathering dust.
So that is what broke me. That god damn blanket is the catalyst to why I went no contact. I haven’t been there since November 2023. (She lives a 7 hr train ride / 45 min flight away).
I will contact her at the end of May, and ask her if the blanket has been dry cleaned.
I am willing to bet a substantial amount of money that it has not. Despite me finding the place she can hand it in to be dry cleaned. Despite me packing the blanket up in a bag for easy transport.
I honestly don’t know where to go from here when I will (most likely) confirm that she hasn’t gotten the blanket dry cleaned. The place to hand it in is literally 5 min away with car, 7 by bus, 25 min to walk. And if she hasn’t been able to do that for me in 6 months - it is baffling to me if she doesn’t understand why I have to limit contact with her?
I know this is such a tiny thing. It’s just a blanket. But this is how every little tiny - and big - thing is with her.
I chose the flair that says “support through advice”, and I guess what I am asking is not how I can change her or her habits - I have lost most hopes she will change - but if someone can tell me if there are other solutions than no contact here? I feel so guilty. She doesn’t have many people in her life. I am an only child. She has no partner. Very little contact with friends. But at the same time I felt enraged whenever I had to communicate with her last fall before I went no contact. I thought maybe the no contact would have her reflect on her behaviors, but clearly this is a moot point. So where do I go from here? I don’t think I can ever forgive myself if she were to pass away and I would have been no contact. But I also feel so bitter and angry just thinking about picking up any contact with her again.

Let me start by saying that my mum and I are not that close. We don't have anything in common, we are very different personalities but she would like people to think we are practically best friends. I am an only child.
Growing up, my mum always wanted me to be a ballerina, she put me in dancing 4 nights a week and 2 classes on weekends. I was good but as soon as I could quit I was out of there so fast. My real passion was horses, and I understood that mum was not ever interested in horses and we probably couldn't afford one on her single parent income (up until I was 11). That never bothered me, I just hung out on fences watching them or rode neighbors horses any chance I got.
Fast forward to now, I have my own horse that I am very proud of, and we were finally entered in our first competition. This was terrifying for me as I still get PTSD from stage fright from dancing. I asked if mum would come to watch.... know I'm a grown adult but the important thing here is that I found out I was pregnant right before it, and I was super excited to do my competition- the first, and last for a while- and then I would announce the pregnancy to her.
I had told her months prior that I would be doing the comp and she agreed to come. The week prior she told me that coming for both days wouldn't be possible due to the drive (that's fine, at least if she came for the second day she would see 2/3 events).
She arrived 5 mins before my showjumping, which was a HUGE accomplishment.. and as I got off my horse she said 'I'm leaving now.'
I was shocked. It meant so much that she would be there and my husband knew it meant alot to me too. I said "that's fine. See ya" and walked away as my husband grabbed my shoulders while I was crying.
I really thought it was going to be a 'healing my inner child's moment where she finally showed an interest in my passion, but she couldnt have stayed for the extra hour? She was only there for 30mins and it was an hour drive.
I messaged her to let her know I was hurt and she ignored me.
I wrote a lengthier message to detail why I felt hurt, how much it meant to me that she would be there and that I was honestly quite upset with her now giving me the silent treatment. I wrote that it is important that she acknowledged that I was hurt and that I won't be chasing her for contact.
She said 'I respect your choice'.
The last message I sent was "I need to clarify that you've heard I feel hurt, and you don't see any reason to apologise?" And she blocked me.
As a kid, when she'd give me a silent treatment I would apologies even if I thought I was in the right. I didn't like being ignored.
It has been 4 and a half weeks and I haven't heard a word from her.
I want to announce my pregnancy, and I also don't want her to think she can hurt me and get away with it.
Would I be the asshole for announcing it without her?
I know it will hurt her, and that's not my intention, but I don't like the way she digs her heels in to prove her point that she is never in the wrong. I want to prove my point- she hurt me.
MORE INFO; I just want to clarify that the reason she needed to leave after the first event was that the night prior she had driven 2 hours north of where she lives which is 3 hours north of where I live, to watch a dance show... So she was very tired.
I also want to clarify that I'm more upset that she was giving me the silent treatment and that how she is handled me being hurt has resulted in no communication. Not just because she left early.

Context: I’m 22 he’s 23. We’ve been together for almost 10 months. His family invited me along on their trip to Greece (we live in US) for two weeks and we’ve been so excited about it. Last night he was showing me something on his phone and while switching apps I see tinder open with a message to a girl. He had asked her out to drinks while I was talking a nap. I almost thought I was seeing things at first bc the man I knew would never do this and he tried to lie to my face about it at first but eventually pulled up the message. We had literally been having a serious conversation about marriage about 10 minutes prior to this. Up until about two months ago he was the sweetest man in the world, cooked me dinner all the time, always kept flowers in my apartment, was just so kind. He’s always struggled with alcohol abuse but I think the excitement of our relationship being so good just made it better for a while. Anyways he started drinking more heavily and he wouldn’t get mean or anything he’d just turn into a completely different person and lie to me about whether or not he was drinking, whether or not he was driving stuff like that. He kept making all the empty promises about stopping and I was being pretty patient with him but he went on a few benders leading up to the trip where he would go “fishing” and end up turning his location off for a while and come back drunk or high and lying about it. I wasn’t going to put up with the lying for long but the one thing I never thought he would do was cheat on me. Looking back on it this definitely wasn’t the first time. I cried about it to his mom and sister last night because they’re the only people I have in this country. They said they wanted me to stay with them but wouldn’t blame me if I left. My question now though is what would you do in this situation? I’m at the start of this trip with a very detailed itinerary for the next two weeks. We were supposed to be island hopping for a few days at a time.
Forgiving him isn’t an option and I can’t just go along with the trip acting like nothing happened. We also work together in a very small office which makes things extra complicated. I live out of state from my parents so besides a few friends he’s pretty much all I have back home. Were supposed to get on a 4 hour boat ride from Athens to Naxos tomorrow and I think I’m going to at least go along from there and either get my own hotel for a few days or fly home early. I have enough money of my own to stay here for maybe a week but I’m scared that it’s just going to be more lonely than ever in a country where I know nobody and have just had my heart broken. I’d appreciate any advice, I feel so lost.

For context we have not been in contact since a pretty big falling out that culminated in our father kicking me and my siblings out on Christmas (we live out of town). He has not attempted to reach out until now and included us all in this email. I’m not sure what to make of it.
“So much time has passed since we last saw each other. It’s been far too much time. I know that I hurt you on Christmas night, and I know that I hurt each of you in the past as well. I want you to know that was never my intention. I always tried to be the best man and the best father that I could be …but I know that at times, my best wasn’t good enough.
I have learned a lot about myself over the past 16 months. I have been actively participating in therapy sessions, and I’ve realized some of the mistakes that I’ve made. I’ve also learned a lot about family through this enlightening process. I have learned about how the experiences from my childhood have impacted me as a person, and as a father. I wasn’t raised in a happy, functional family. That’s the kind of family that you deserved, and I tried to break the cycle of generational trauma in order to give that to you, but it was difficult as a single father with no personal nurturing parental experience to refer to.
I now know that you needed more patience, understanding, attention, and love from me. I know that I haven’t been perfect and I know I will continue to have imperfections …but I will try my best to improve. I am hoping that you can give me your co-operation, patience, and compassion to give me the chance to be the father that you need.
I hope we can reconnect and start communicating again. I would like to work on this together. I sent this email to everyone, but please feel free to message me individually. I really look forward to hearing from each one of you, when you are ready. If not today, then hopefully one day soon.”

So here’s the story. In 2018 I went through a horrible depression. Could not go outside or I would have a panic attack. I went got therapy and slowly started feeling better. I was on a dating app and match with her. She was cute and I am well not so confident. It was just supposed to be a hook up but it obviously did not turn out that way. She was a absolute alcoholic. Before she met me she would hang out with guys for alcohol. I being stupid and young gave her the same thing. We hooked up the second date and I felt in love. Stupidly I told her I love her and she said I love you. Our first bit was just us getting drunk and not giving two fucks. Then I kinda stoped wanting to do it cause my friends put some light in my head. But she was out of control. She would tell me she is not drunk but was absolutely gone. I would tell her please tell me the truth and she would not. It got really bad. I would time and time again say if you don’t fix this and get help then im done. But honestly in the back of my head I was too weak to lose her. It got to the point when she would steal it from my mom and I lost it on her. I sat her down and said im done if this continues I can’t be with you. And actually it worked. That was all in the first year. We would fight constantly. I would say im done to try and put fear into her. She would snap so quick I like to think im a good guy but she honestly brought the worst out in me. She would drink here and there but it was socially. Fast forward 3 years and we ended up getting a place. Things would be so good but when things where bad they where horrible. I was so lazy I would come home from work and just lay down. Not clean not take good care of myself. I think I was depressed but maybe didn’t realize it. She would be so good. But you say the wrong thing and it was so bad. The drinking gave me horrible trust issues and when I would ask her things she would be pissed at me. Saying “why don’t you trust me” and then I was the bad guy. I gave her so much. I would of done anything for her. The past couple months she has got back into drinking. She was honest with me. But she would get drunk probably every day. Finding reason to why. “My boss was too much today” “my pet died” I would try and help but one ear and out the other with her. Her problem was hard liquor I said we can drink but only on weekends. I hated her drinking hard liquor. So about a week ago now. I went to pick her up from her friends. And I could tell instantly she was drunk. I said “ your drunk how much did you drink” and she said “I only had 3 coolers” honestly I snapped cause it was getting out of hands. Her so called friend would allow her to get drunk at her place when she knows she is trying to not be a alcoholic. My friends would give me shit if I did something like that. And I’m great full for them. I said I’m done not meaning it trying to put fear hoping she would wake up. But this time she was done. Her friend probably gassed her up saying she does not need me. I begged her I apologized. I asked her if we can fix it and she just said no she has no more love for me. Side note I want to have kids someday soon and my believe was she would too I mean she would always say not right now and I said it’s no rush. But that night she just said she does not really want children. I was so fucking hurt. She lied. She was done . For 2 days I tried to fix it and all she would say is leave me alone. Then she went back to her parents. I would message her nonstop begging for another chance. She said give her space. She said we can talk in a couple days. I was relieved. Then one day she said she was going to come by. And if I could pick her up. I was out so I could not. When I came home a lot of stuff was gone. (Her stuff) so I messaged her I guess your done? And she said it’s not going to work out. Never gave me the chance to talk. I was so lost I would look at pictures of how happy we where and think of her with other people and get sick. I spammed her with messages begging but she would just ignore me. I made her feel like the winner even though she fucked it up. She was my first love. I thought she would be mine forever. But no. I’m scared that in 2 weeks from now she will try to get back together and I will be too weak to say no. BPD is not fun. And I’m so hurt rn. Everything I do I think about when it was with her. If you read all of this thank you. Sorry if grammar is not the best.