Extended metaphor poem about family

The SA tag is only for a minor mention, but i figured it would be appreciated nonetheless. No graphic detail is given.
So I (17 F) recently went on a camping trip with my Dad (41M) and his half of the family (my parents are broken up). In the past, among other things, my father yelled at me for not telling him when I was sexually assaulted. It happened when I was in 6th grade (I was 11) and my dad wasn't told until about a year and a half later when I was 13; he screamed at me for not telling him, and started threatening the kid (not that I blame him for that). He did all of this with my uncle on the car who didn't say anything, but his presence added to the humiliation I already felt about the whole topic.
My dad didn't apologize for this incident until my sister (only a year older than me) and My uncle practically forced him to. Since then, our relationship has obviously been strained since to me the apology felt insincere given that it was pretty much him crying to me that he felt bad for "putting a wedge between us" rather than actually apologizing for screaming at him. I was put in a position where I had to comfort him.
So, shortly following all of this, me and my sister decided to move in with our mom. But would still visit our dad's half of the family for the sake of still seeing them for birthdays, camping trips, large events, etc with me and my sister extending invitations to them for my theater production and her wrestling matches. In both cases, in the event that they showed up, they would leave halfway through because of whatever excuse they gave.
On the camping trips in particular, my dad would get me or my sister alone and start nearly-sobbing about how much he misses us, Despite the fact that he never once has made an effort to reach out first. This has led my sister to stop attending these trips, and I hear an earful about it every time I go without her.
So, that brings us to the most recent trip. Memorial day weekend this year, I was stuck watching my cousins pretty much the whole time. This stressed the hell put of me, and at one point one of the kids even started lashing out at me (this kid is my dads girlfriend-but-not-really's kid), resulting in me lashing back and screaming at him. Looking back, I deeply regret this. Even in my overwhelmed state, it gave me no excuse to scream at him so publicly. I apologized to him about an hour later after everything had settled, and gave him the same sentiment as stated above.
Soon after I screamed at the kid, I was still heated. Feeling lasting anger, and obvious guilt I went into the camper to get away from everything and just talk to my grandma for a bit to clear my head, since she's one of the 3 whole people on that side of the family with an ounce of common sense. But my dad already was in there, and was watching the kid who was still screaming, trying to get me to come back out (this kid is, like, 9 you guys.) but I tuned him out.
So, the mother and my dad both stand up and look at me. I try to explain what happen and just end up crying, mumbling and trying to explain myself, and my dad darts out the door and starts threatening to take the kid back home (and making a very large scene of it too) while the mom goes out to try to calm everyone down.
I tune out a lot of what happens next since my cousins want to play with my hair and I let them, but the kid ends up staying. Once everything is settled, we get a weather warning that it is going to rain so I start helping get the clothes off of the clothing line and bringing it into the camper (where my grandma sleeps) as I was instructed. Once I was done, I sat down outside at one of the picnic tables that each campsite got since the clouds rolling in made the sunset really pretty and it was a nice quiet way to decompress.
But, of course, my dad has to come around. He sits down asking if I'm alright, and I tell him that I am. There is a long pause before he turns to me and says "you know, I like to tell you girls what I get addicted to so you know what to avoid (he has never done this, and in fact has lied to our faces when he got addicted to meth), and I got into gambling recently. I won 13,000 dollars." I give a nod and congratulate him on the money before he continues, "I have enough money to get cruise tickets. Enough for me, you, and your sister. It'd be a great opportunity to bond again." It is at this point that I want to shrivel up and fade away.
I try to end the topic there, saying something like "you should bring this up when we're both here" or something like that, but he pretty much doesn't hear me. "I never get to see you guys anymore, I miss you," he pouts and continues before I can talk "You say you have your summer open until you get a job. I'm going to start feeling some kind of way when you reject my ideas but say you have your whole summer open."
I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything before he adds. "You know, I really thought you guys loved living with me, that you loved life. I don't know what I did wrong." His eyes are watering at this point, and I want to bolt, but I'm practically glued in place. I try to tell him politely that we still love him, that he has good intentions, and I see that, but he never reaches out. He acts like he doesn't hear me, so I backpedal, and eventually my cousin pulls me away (bless her heart) so they could go to the river one more time before the river flooded. After that, I dodged my dad for the rest of the trip, and it's been a couple weeks since.
They do an annual trip for the fourth of July, and given how the last trip went, I really don't want to go. But I feel obligated since nobody else really gives their full attention to my cousins or the other kids like I do.
Would I be the asshole if I didn't go just because of my dad?
TLDR; I think my dad is kind of manipulative, and it's deterring me from the entirety of his side of the family. Nobody else really watches the kids on the trips, so, would I be the asshole if I didn't go to the next trip?

My boy Kyle Hamilton (Bmore baby lets get it) said online that Drake made the best rap song of the beef when he dropped "Family Matters."
Lets get Walter White levels of fuckin crystal clear here:
If you think "Family Matters" is a better rap song than "meet the grahams," you do not understand the genre.
"meet the grahams" showcases complex lyricism, intricate storytelling, and flows that ride the beat with unparalleled finesse. The metaphors and wordplay in the verses demonstrate a mastery of the craft that "Family Matters" simply doesn't match. Not even remotely.
Rap isn't about catchy hooks or mainstream appeal; it's meant to be the essence of hip-hop – its the raw expression of feeling, the skillful delivery of bars so concise that your mind does backflips thinking of all the entendres, its packing layers of depth into a narrative that you lay down in seemingly one stroke.
If you can't see how "meet the grahams" does all that and then some, you're missing the true artistry that defines great rap music, and I cant fuck with you.

I43f have been with my husband 22 years. We have 5 kids together, 2 being out of the house already, and 3 being 17, 15, and 12. I am currently pregnant with baby number 6, and most people would think I’m nuts. It wasn’t expected no, but my husband has an incredible paying job and I work with the school system so we do well for ourselves. We decided to wait til we were out of the first trimester to tell the extended family because I’m considered high risk “geriatric” but it’s all went smooth so far. We decided to have a bbq at my home and have my husbands siblings come, and our parents. When I had announced it people seemed excited and congratulated us, later on tho I was making a plate by myself and my SIL came up to me and said are you sure this is the right decision? I asked her excuse me. She then went on to say how I would be starting over almost all my kids are out of the house, and that our child would have an old mom.
She then went on to say how she had just spoken to my husband about other options and that she’s chosen them in the past and never regrets it bc it’s for the greater good. I asked her how dare she say these things to me, and speak to my husband about this matter before me, she said she was allowed to he was her brother and we were making horrible decisions that could easily be fixed. We started arguing and I ended up telling her to leave now.
It’s been 4 days, and my husband family has been spamming my husbands phone saying I was out of line, that she can talk to him all she wants(which I don’t have an issue with it was the matter of the situation.) I even got a text from my MIL saying I’m letting my past issues with her out in this situation and I was being “problematic.” (This sister and I have never gotten along, because this isn’t the first time she’s put her nose in business that don’t concern her.) my husband is defending me and taking my side, but it’s causing havoc for him and extreme family drama. AITA?

Let's now delve into Abby's perspective.
Abby's equivalent of the Wyoming Museum is her scenes in the aquarium. I find the choice of this particular ocean biome interesting. Throughout her journey in Seattle, Abby gradually distances herself from the WLF. The aquarium serves as a clandestine refuge where Abby and Owen seek solace away from their WLF responsibilities, a sanctuary amidst the chaos of the city. The ocean represents a hidden world, a sanctuary that other surface animals cannot penetrate, symbolizing a refuge from the conflicts and chaos above. Abby's character in Seattle is symbolized by a crab—outwardly strong yet internally vulnerable, much like herself as depicted by Owen's observation that she appears tough but is soft at heart. This symbolism extends to the imagery of a giant crab adorning the doors leading to the tragic fate of Owen and Mel. Upon her return from the island, blood stains beneath the doors. I think this is supposed to represent how by her actions she brought death to her friends, akin to bearing the weight of guilt or "dirty hands." Throughout her narrative, various other depictions of crabs persistently follows Abby.
Abby's Seattle setting is aquatic, but it wasn't always so. Prior to her father's death, her symbolic habitat was the jungle. In her initial flashback in Salt Lake, she stands at the zoo entrance, surrounded by banners portraying jungle and savanna creatures like tigers, elephants, apes, and antelopes. She can also find a flyer of the zoo ad with the tiger on it. In Santa Barbara, when visiting the Firefly outpost, Lev asks why the children's room depicts animals and a forest. Abby explains that it is a thing parents can do and that her father painted her a jungle in her room when she was little. I think deep within, Abby identifies with a tiger, and she actually re-finds herself with Lev's encounter. The tiger represents her true essence, her totem animal, while the crab represents what she turned into in Seattle. The crab, with its hard exterior and soft interior, also mirrors Abby's hardened exterior developed from her experiences with the WLF.
Yet, subtle hints throughout her narrative suggest a rediscovery of her true self as a tiger that coincide with what she's going throught. One instance that really striked me is the big cartoonish tiger she encounters in a cafe on the road to the hospital, sat in a position of meditation, coinciding with her growing bond with Lev. This moment signifies her gradual return to inner peace and authenticity. Another significant occurrence is the depiction of a tiger hidden behind a counter during her escape from the island with Yara and Lev, labeled with "mean streak." This moment precedes a pivotal confrontation with her former allies, symbolizing Abby's re-embrace of her tiger nature—a resurgence of strength and determination as she confronts her past and fights for her newfound family. The reappearance of the tiger symbolizes Abby's journey of self-discovery and resilience, marking her reclaiming of inner strength and ferocity in the face of adversity.
During the Salt Lake flashback, as Abby finds her father and they continue through the park, they enter the aquatic biome, greeted by a crab facing exactly towards the banner depicting a tiger, symbolizing Abby's future transformation in Seattle. She enters the mouth of a whale, symbolizing her immersion into the aquatic world. In the very next flashback, she will exit from the mouth of a shark, marking her transformation complete.
Owen is symbolized by a spotted seal. The first time they ever entered the aquarium, Owen get out of the water and place himself right in front of a seal depiction named "Oscar", saying some things to Abby. You can see a little crab right under. Hints in dialogues also point at Owen being a seal. During the scene in the aquatic dome underwater, Owen concludes their conversation by expressing his intention to spend some time with the seals. Another subtle clue to Owen's future role as a father is found within the aquarium's main room: a statue depicting a seal and its cub. This imagery hints at Owen's impending journey into parenthood.
I'm going to talk about Tommy in Abby's section because it mostly striked me while doing her parts, with the exception of this dinosaur looking like a horse head in the wyoming museeum as mentionned in my first post. Right after letting Yara at the "Big Fat Crab Shack" to get to the marina, she stumble upon Manny who's being targeted by Tommy. Interestingly, if you look behind Abby, you'll spot the "Big Fat Crab Shack" logo again with its giant crab, while directly in front of her, just a couple of meters away, is an advertising van for "Manke" beer. The logo on the van is a horse, accompanied by the tagline "made with the finest ingredients of southern America," which resonates with Tommy's Texan roots. This van appears again later not far, in the parking lot where Tommy shoots at Abby, instigating an attack from the infected.
However, what puzzles me is why Abby doesn't perceive Tommy as an aquatic animal like she does with others. My only lead on this is that the aquatic version of Tommy is a seahorse. This notion is reinforced by the presence of a seahorse symbol at the Serevena Hotel, where Ellie and Dina encounter men tortured by Tommy. Honestly not 100% convinced on this seahorse part.
Lev is seen as a shark by Abby. A whole section of the aquarium is dedicated to sharks and their importance in the ocean ecosystem ( you can also see a little crab under one of the shark depictions ) When Abby and Yara seek a gift for Lev, they deem a shark plushie as the perfect choice, emphasizing his connection to this creature.
A prominent shark exhibit features a large specimen seemingly poised to attack a diver's cage, adorned with scars on its mouth sides. The image of Lev braving the seas on his boat to rescue his mother on the island further reinforces this association, evoking the image of a shark cutting through the waves with determination.
In Abby's perception, Lev embodies the qualities of a shark, yet he identifies himself with a cat, ( or it's his totem animal ) First and foremost, we can clearly see Lev's agility and fearlessness, particularly evident in his comfort with heights, mirroring a cat's nimbleness and independence. Additionally, Lev expresses fears akin to those of a cat—water and dogs. During Ellie's parts, I found this board on the ancient communication agency swarmed by scars ( in front of the tramway ). There this little text on a board from a meeting to pitch a product, back in the days. It says :
"Client pitch meet ideas - emotional angle - comedy angle - personnification of cat ? "
Even though it might be a bit of a stretch, this corresponds perfectly to what happens between Abby and Lev. She feels pity for him upon learning his story and comes to love him, thus the emotional angle, and Lev also makes some jokes or blunders, like asking Abby what's going on between him and Owen at the worst possible moment, or when he doesn't know certain common words due to his life among the Seraphites.
The more obvious sign that Lev is really a cat can be found in the same cafe where we found the tiger in meditation pose, on the left walls. Just like Owen, we can witness Lev positionning himself right in front of this animal and get some dialogues. He say something like it's weird to represent humans as animals / humans from before were weird doing this. This particular artwork features two cartoonish cats adorned in rock-inspired attire, captured in a lively dancing pose. A male and female, holding hands. This really striked me as being a representaion of Lev's gender duality. Abby mentions Lev's "punk-rock" spirit not long before this, hence the outfits.
Yara is a sea otter, simply because she wears this shirt with a sea otter at the aquarium.
The WLF obviously are wolves but Abby actually sees them as Orcas. Upon awakening at the stadium, Abby is greeted by a rug adorned with an orca motif. Then she gets to the mess hall, there's one wolf banner on one wall but also depictions of orcas adorning pillars and inscriptions proclaiming "Home of the Orcas" on the walls. Orcas are kinda wolves of the seas, share several characteristics with wolves, such as being large predators that hunt in packs, exhibit complex social structures, and are territorial. By associating the WLF with Orcas, Abby's perception elevates them to a level of strength, cunning, and dominance akin to these apex predators of the ocean.
Scars are possibly herons. I found some herons in the wyoming museeum as mentionned in my first post, but also some depictions while Abby is crossing the chinese district to get to martyr's gate. They communicate throught whistling like birds including herons. They also go throught the city by the airs, basically. Theres not much hints, but I do feel like the herons correspond really well to Seraphites due to their way of life and behavior. Firstly, herons are often associated with aquatic areas such as marshes and rivers, where they patiently and strategically hunt their prey. Similarly, the Seraphites have established themselves on an isolated island, resembling a marsh, where they practice an ascetic and contemplative form of living in harmony with nature, living in wooden houses. Furthermore, herons are patient and methodical predators, silently observing their surroundings before taking action ( Remember that arrow in Ellie's shoulder ? ) The Seraphites also exhibit a deliberate approach in their lives and interactions, emphasizing discipline, reflection, and strategic planning.
During the visit to the Chinese district, theres a peculiar creature: the dragon. Numerous depictions of it adorn this area. There might be a connection to the Seraphites, evidenced by the presence of Martyr's Gate and the increased encounters with them following this section. However, it's challenging to pinpoint its exact representation; my guess is that it symbolizes a broader concept rather than a specific character or faction. Might also just be because it's the chinese district.
Abby seem to be also linked to whales and octopus, I think each representing one concept. Ellie's collection of cards includes one intriguing card featuring a whale named "Big Blue." The description of the card reads:
"Big Blue is an extra-dimensional entity who has taken on the appearance of a blue whale. First arriving on Earth over a billion years ago to keep watch over nascent life forms, they use their infinite well of knowledge to help guide the human race in times of great need and upheaval. Their unfathomable age has one major drawback: days appear to pass as microseconds. However, this time dilation effect is offset if they hold their breath—which they can do for several years at a time."
The whale, as an entity with ancient wisdom and knowledge, could be seen as a manifestation of destiny itself. Just as the whale has existed since the dawn of life on Earth, destiny is a force that has shaped Abby's life from the very beginning. It has guided her path, leading her to the pivotal moments and encounters that defined her journey. Despite the challenges she faces, destiny continues to steer her toward her ultimate purpose and fate.
In many cultures and mythologies, the octopus is often associated with aspects of mystery, danger, and conflict. Its tentacled appearance and ability to camouflage itself in its environment make it a powerful symbol of the struggle and complexity of human conflicts. In the game, the giant octopus present at the aquarium can be interpreted as a visual representation of the internal and external conflicts that the characters, especially Abby, must face. The octopus's tentacles seem to stretch out and envelop the environment, evoking how conflict can feel omnipresent and difficult to avoid. Furthermore, the octopus is a formidable predator in the marine world, using its tentacles to capture and subdue its prey. This imagery can be associated with how the characters in the game are ensnared in the conflicts surrounding them.
And finally, Abby sees Ellie as a Stingray. Ellie's journey to get to Abby in Seattle final moments is symbolic of her descent into the aquatic world : to get to the hidden crab in the secretive ocean, she must transform as an aquatic animal. As Ellie approaches the aquarium, the challenges intensify, marked by increasingly stormy weather and turbulent seas. Despite the obstacles, Ellie perseveres, ultimately reaching her destination, not before falling into the ocean. Few notes here, first of all there's this outdoor kids' play area, a crab faces towards a whale and a shark, while an orca wing and a seahorse stand behind them. Could be a representation of how Abby is leaving her past behind and her newfound responsibility towards Lev. Next, right before kneeling to get under the fence, a sign featuring a stingray lies on its side, urging one to "become a member today". Further symbolism unfolds as Ellie encounters a shark depiction just before her fall from a broken window, with a stingray positioned EXACTLY on the floor where she lands. On the same note there is a stingray positionned on the floor exactly where Ellie kills Mel & Owen. The cafe section of the aquarium, named "Stingray Bay Cafe," features murals depicting a beach with palm trees, foreshadowing the events to come in Santa Barbara. Abby's exploration of the aquarium with Yara while looking for Lev reveals a section named "Shipwreck Cove," dominated by a giant stingray overhead, further hinting at the impending encounters and sequences involving boats, serving as a metaphor for both characters feeling like shipwrecks by the end of their tumultuous journey.
Also, The use of animal symbolism during Ellie and Abby's confrontations adds a layer of complexity and depth to their dynamic. During their intense fight in the theater, the actions of Ellie and Abby mirror the characteristics of the animals associated with them. Abby's brute force and relentless attacks, smashing Ellie into the floor and causing them to fall to a lower level, hitting her with her fists or grabbing her, align with the symbolism of the crab and its claws. She also headbut Ellie ( bison ). In contrast, Ellie's actions, repeatedly tries spiking Abby with her knife like a stingray hitting its prey, reflect a more tactical and predatory approach. I invite you to re-check their fight at the theater with that in mind, it's really striking.
As we've discussed, these symbols are not merely decorative but serve as powerful storytelling devices, conveying concepts or themes of identity, transformation, and growth. Whether you've noticed these subtle details yourself or are discovering them for the first time, it's clear that the developers at Naughty Dog have crafted a meticulously designed world filled with rich symbolism and meaningful connections.
So, what are your thoughts? Have you spotted any other animal motifs or symbols ? Let me know your theories !

I don't know how to tag the original post, but if you look at my profile you'll find it.
Amnio results came back. Baby is healthy and I am the father.
Her friend and I have become pretty close over the past few weeks. I stayed at his place for the weekend and since then he comes over a couple times a week or I go to his place. He legitimately is a very nice person and we share a lot of interests. Last weekend while she went to visit family, we spent Friday night and Saturday watching the LotR extended editions and playing video games.
I don't remember if people speculated about her being in love with him, but that's the case. She loves him, but for his part, he said that because their friendship/relationship started as a result of her trauma and his helping her through it, he put a block in his head against her.
She wasn't aware of it, but he's poly and is currently in a couple of relationships with people that he's met at something called a munch or on dating sites tailored for open relationships.
Since things have worked out pretty well and they've been open with me, we've all been able to move forward and he's helping me get the last bit of baby preparation done this weekend once he gets off work.
Tomorrow afternoon we're going to have a cookout and he's going to invite a couple of his girlfriends and their husbands/boyfriends. My wife has been pretty excited about not having to hide things anymore, and it turns out he was pretty stoked about not having to hide his relationships by saying that they were just friends or friends with benefits.
I have a lot to do with the nursery today and then prep for the cook out tomorrow, but I'll be happy to answer any questions when I get the chance later.
Also, I just want to say thank you to some of the previous commentors.

I was a damaged person. But I was on the mend.
I had a pretty traumatic break up with my childhood best friend, turned girlfriend. I had known her since we were 8 years old. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend since we were 13 and had been so for 9 years until my junior year of college when she cheated on me in a very cruel way. It came to light that she had cheated on me many times before as well.
I loved her so god damn much! I thought we were one of those stories where two souls were knitted together from eternity to eternity, or some hallmark card bullshit like that.
I was emotionally shattered and it took me a while until one day about 2 years later, I woke up and thought about her, but then realized that I hadn't thought about her at all the previous day. It was glorious and I knew then that I was on the mend. After that, my healing process sort of exponentially snowballed and I was back in the saddle as far as relationships went. I started going on dates and meeting up with women.
I was a software engineer working for a large corporation. Because I was good at my job, and because I didn't have a family, I was given the opportunity to move to Singapore and lead a project there for what would be a couple of years but turned out to be 7 years.
The great thing about Singapore is that they speak the "King's English" when they're not speaking "Singlish" (a patois of mostly English with funky grammar, but with Malay, Chinese, and Hindi thrown in). So I didn't have to learn a whole new language to fit in. I just had to learn how to translate Singlish to English, which wasn't too hard after a couple of months of trying. I even learned the lingo and it would amuse my coworkers a whole lot when I spoke Singlish. They thought it was hilarious.
I was a good looking guy (still am!!) but I really let myself go in my depression. I was a tall, muscular 210 pounds when I broke up with my ex, but I had ballooned up to over 300 pounds. I started a workout regimen and lost it all but the workout regimen became sort of an obsession. It was the one thing that grounded me. After I went to Singapore, one of my business perks was a gym membership at "Fitness First", a local gym franchise. I was down to my previous weight, but I had to practically camp out at the gym because the best thing about Singapore is the FOOD. The food is incredible! However, you WILL pack on the weight if you don't get your ass to the gym.
The meet cute
I was working out one day much later than normal due to some overtime on my project and I saw a girl on a treadmill. The treadmill was the one I usually use because it was in the back and kind of out of the way. The girl was stunning! The thing that stuck out to me was that she was had her hair in a pony tail through a ball cap, which is a look I find very attractive. I was a little nervous because, even though I was fairly confident about the way I look, I was definitely batting out of my league with this girl.
I went to her and chatted her up after she got off of the treadmill. She didn't look me in the eye and didn't really engage. I figured that I had acted like what is now known as a "gym creep" and I figured it was a "swing and a miss!" I apologized and said I wouldn't bother her anymore. I stuck out my hand and said "I'm OP, by the way. What's your name?"
She hesitated and looked at me for a bit and said "Lilly" (not her real name).
I remember this exactly because she later said that it was what intrigued her about me. At the time, she was an actress/model who had done some print/public billboard type ads, product demo booths at expos, and even a bit part in a local tv (Mediacorp) series. She had started to attract public attention because of these (mainly the TV show and the ads that were hanging all around town at that time) not just from men but from women too and it was super uncomfortable for her.
The fact that I had no idea who she was relaxed her and made her think that I was attracted to her for her and not because her face was everywhere at the time. After she told me about it, I did notice her face everywhere. But photoshop was a thing even back then, so I didn't recognize her from her ads and I really don't look at ads, tuning them out. I also didn't watch her TV show because it was in Mandarin Chinese and I don't speak or understand any Chinese, and I wasn't in a position where I was required to attend or arrange trade shows.
In the years prior to meeting me, Lilly had undergone a lot of plastic surgery (breast, eyelid, facial contouring, nose job, lipo, etc). She said it got to where she didn't recognize herself in the mirror and it disturbed and depressed her. She hadn't particularly wanted the surgery but she got the procedures done at the behest of her family who wanted her to bring in more money and the people in charge of her career development (don't know the term). It was all very expensive and she felt like she owed her family and the talent people who managed her.
Later, I found out that she hated the public recognition. Not just from men, but mostly from women who were really catty about her plastic surgery. The people in charge of her were pushing her to start singing but she didn't have a good voice and would need a bunch of training for that. She was depressed due to not recognizing herself in the mirror any more and didn't want to follow the career track that she had been on. They were pushing her to do more figure/body modeling which was why she was in the gym. She was SUPER uncomfortable with that and constantly hungry and pissed off.
She was afraid that she would do some more modeling and then get married off by her parents to some rich mainland Chinese man that she would be ambivalent about (she preferred Caucasian men) and she'd be forced to be a traditional pampered Chinese wife living in Beijing.(Doesn't sound that bad to me. Some of those Chinese businessmen live crazy luxurious lifestyles.
Since I was working a lot of overtime, I kept going to the gym later at night and we saw each other and I would wave and smile and she would smile and wave back. OK I was kinda hoping to meet her regularly. I spotted her on a couple of exercises and we began to chat with each other a bit. A couple of times I had to steady her because she was fainting from being hungry and working out at the same time. I used that as an excuse to take her out to a hawker center, which like a mall food court but with delicious local food (not chain restaurants). We chatted and got along really well. It became a regular thing until I confessed I had a crush on her. We started dating after that until it got to a point where she practically moved into my place.
She, of course, had her share of guys interested in her. She was on livejournal at the time (remember livejournal??) and she was doing that and posting pictures of herself for her career mostly, but I'm sure she did enjoy the attention. She had one guy from Belgium who was really after her. He actually bought her 800 thread count sheets, which is an oddly practical but vaguely inappropriate gift. He actually visited Singapore on business (he was a tech sales guy) and wanted to meet up with her in a public place, a hawker center. I still had trust issues from my previous "love of my life" betraying me. To this day, I cringe at my behavior at the time, but I laid down a clear boundary. She could absolutely go see and hang out with this guy if she wanted to, but if she did, she'd be doing it as a single available girl and we would be through. She said she saw my face "turn to stone" and it was clear that she would lose me if she went to meet up with that guy. That honestly gave her pause about our relationship and she really considered ending it at the time. I didn't know that until much later, though. Certainly, I'm glad that she didn't. She didn't go meet up with the guy. To this day, we call the incident "The Belgian Waffle". OK so I call it that, she thinks it's stupid.
Meeting her family
Eventually, Lilly asked if I could have dinner with her parents, saying that they wanted to meet me. I bought some gifts, basically Japanese cookies in really nice packaging, and then we met. I did the traditional thing and formally introduced myself and asked them about their family and history.
At the time, Lilly got some criticism from her extended family because I am a white guy. There was a certain stigma attached to local girls who liked white guys. They called those girls "SPGs" which stands for "Sarong Party Girls", a derogatory name for the prostitutes who would entertain British expats at after hours parties "back in the day".
Over the next few months, I won over her family mainly by eating their food and being accepting of their culture. I grew up in Texas, so pickled jalapenos were common in my house...like salt and pepper, we put them on everything. Later on, I was the kind of guy who put tabasco or sriracha on everything. So eating their spicy food was no problem for me. I remember us both going shopping at an open air market and seeing an older woman cutting up cili padi. I asked if I could try some. She looked at my pale face and then at Lilly and she said I could. I bit into one and chewed it up as the woman looked at me with an amused look on her face. She was waiting for me to jump up and down with fire shooting out of my mouth, I guess. I disappointed her, but she and Lilly were impressed. She later told her mother and she was impressed too. She wanted me to eat one for her as well. Oh well, trained monkey time I guess.
The real test came when I tried Durian for the first time. This is the same food that "defeated" Andrew Zimmern, the "Bizarre Foods" guy. I actually liked it. I had a D24 durian, which admittedly is like the "beginner version" of durians. There are like 16 different types. When you get past the smell and actually taste it, it doesn't smell that bad any more. It's very sweet and creamy. It's like the taste overwrites your disgust of the smell. I think that's what really impressed them to an extreme degree. They started calling me an "egg", because I was "white on the outside but yellow on the inside."
I would visit her grandmother with her. In true Chinese fashion, Lilly and her brother Johnny were raised by their paternal grandparents while their parents worked full time jobs, so her grandmother was like her mom. She was in an elder care facility at this point, though. She didn't like living there, but it was all they could afford. We would visit her every week and she'd be very happy. She didn't speak any English at all so she and Lilly would just chat speaking Hokkien Chinese while her grandmother would pet my hairy forearms like I was a dog. She was absolutely smitten with my hairy forearms.
Meeting my family
After a little over a year, I took her back to Texas to meet my family. It was quite the culture shock. Lilly was amazed by red barns and hay bales, black and white Holstein cows, things she saw in movies about the USA. She particularly was impressed by the cluster mailboxes lined up on country roads ("So cute, leh!") We actually had to stop the car and take pictures of her standing next to them, smiling goofily for the photo. I made sure to take her to the Texas hill country during spring, when the hills are covered with soft green grass and festooned with bluebonnets, sunflowers, indian paintbrushes, black eyed susans, daisies, etc. I had to practically hold her down to keep her from picking them. It's not illegal or anything, it's just frowned upon and tradition to leave them alone. OK, I let her pick some. Give me a break, I was in love with the girl.
Driving was also something that kind of boggled her mind. Texas is huge, and traveling from my parents' place to visit my brothers and their families was a seemingly endless trek. Driving from Houston to Austin, to Corpus Christi was crazy long, even with the stops to visit my relatives.
Lilly was practically agoraphobic at the big sky in Texas. She was used to being in a forest of tall concrete and steel buildings, with only strips of blue sky available at the top. In Texas that sky went from horizon to horizon. She was also amazed at the uncountable numbers of stars at night away from the city lights. She later told me it was like visiting Narnia or something.
In Texas, she got her share of looks from guys, especially in the bigger cities. I wasn't jealous. I've never been a jealous guy, although my experience with my ex "love of my life" really put my radar up, I still was proud that other guys were attracted to her. My attitude was "go ahead and eat your hearts out, she's with me!"
When she met my oldest brother, it was like a cultural thing with her, so she was very deferential and respectful. I knew that my oldest brother was attracted to her because he was stumbling and stuttering when he was speaking to her, looking at her but kind of avoiding looking at her. I wasn't too concerned because he was a married guy with 2 sons and not a scumbag, but it was still pretty amusing to see "Mr. Smooth-don't-let-em-know-you-want-em-kid" at a loss for words.
My parents met Lilly finally (she was super nervous but she did really well) and later my mom brought me aside and asked me if she should re-set her mother's diamond engagement ring. I thought about it a bit, and then told her "yes". My mom's eyes started sparkling with images of unborn grandchildren and she smiled bigger than I had ever seen her smile (kind of unsettling actually). My dad later brought me aside and basically told me I couldn't do any better and I would be a "god damn fool" if I let her get away from me. I agreed. My dad then told me something that remains with me to this day: "She will make your life sparkle, son." (she has).
Before our time in the US was up my mom gave me the ring and I asked Lilly to be my wife in a field of wildflowers, which had become her favorite place to be in Texas. She said yes. Looking back, that was one of the happiest days of my life. It was up there with losing my virginity to "the love of my life" (who turned out to be a duplicitous crazy person but at the time it was really special), my wedding day to Lilly, and the births of our children.
The Engagement
When we got back to Singapore we had to pretend we weren't engaged because I had to ask her parents for their daughter's hand in marriage. I spoke with them and explained how my prospects in my career were good. I told them that I loved their daughter and that my family also loved their daughter. We had to schedule a phone call between my parents and her parents.
I had clued my parents in as far as the traditions go. In Chinese culture, the groom pays for the wedding rather than the bride. The groom also has to give the bride's parents certain auspicious gifts. My parents luckily had done a tour of China a few years before and knew all of this beforehand, having befriended their local tour guide who was saving up money for his own wedding at the time. On the call, they agreed upon a pinjin, which is basically "betrothal money". We started to plan the Guo Da Li ceremony which would take place in 3 months time, and 3 months before the wedding.
Unfortunately life threw us a curve ball and Lilly's grandmother died. It was bittersweet because, while Lilly missed her, her grandmother had become very old and infirm to the point where her quality of life was pretty low. All wedding stuff was put on hiatus until the funeral was over plus 100 days for mourning.
After that, we were able to do the Guo Da Li ceremony. I gave my future in laws a red packet of money plus special cakes and 12 mandarin oranges and gold jewelry. It all went very well.
Wedding planning started in earnest. I got some money from my dad (who insisted) but the lion's share was out of my pocket. During this process I was able to meet some incredible people. The stand outs were Richard and Jimmy. Rich and Jimmy were tailors and dressmakers. They were a couple and they gave my fiancée a really good deal on a wedding dress and cocktail dress if she agreed to do some print modeling for their business. They also made me a tuxedo and a suit. I offered to model for them as well and we all had a good laugh at that prospect (OK they were doing most of the laughing - ego still hurts from that one, guys).
The venue we were using was Chijmes. It's the same one used in the move "Crazy Rich Asians". It was back when they had first started offering it up as a venue so it wasn't crazy expensive at the time. Plus, it was a smaller venue for weddings. Usually weddings are held in large hotel ballrooms and are huge affairs (this is what I was told). The families both invite everyone they've ever met to come: Neighbors, business contacts, everyone. They all bring red packets filled with cash. We opted for the "small" wedding.
The Bachelor Party
We had planned bachelobachelorette parties on the same night (separate venues). Lilly's MOH threw hers while Rich and Jimmy threw mine. My best man was my dad (because he's the best man that I know) and so cigars and brandy would have been disappointing to my work friends and my future brother in law and cousins. I don't think anyone was prepared for what happened.
We had the party at the sushi restaurant of a friend of Rich and Jimmy's. It was after hours. We had some incredible sashimi and rolls. I even tried fish sperm. Didn't like it. I asked Jimmy are you sure it's FISH, sperm?? He said of course he'd never do that to me. To be fair, it did taste and smell very fishy. I don't know how human sperm tastes like (or maybe I do now, I don't know).
After the sushi was done, it was time for the entertainment, and oh boy. Rich and Jimmy hired a trans entertainer who sang show tunes. The thing is, she had an incredible voice. She was obviously biologically male, but she really carried herself with a lot more femininity than I've seen from biological women. She sang and told jokes and roasted me pretty thoroughly. My dad was there and he thought it was funny as hell. My friends from work, especially the Aussies and Brits, thought it was great, my future BIL and most of my future cousins did too. Other cousins politely excused themselves and left. I think the free flowing booze and beer kept most people there, though.
After her thoroughly entertaining performance, it was time for the dancers. This is kind of where it went off the rails. Rich and Jimmy hired exotic dancers...but they were all male or trans. Now, to be fair, it wasn't like they didn't tell me about it beforehand. They did. Personally, I thought it would be hilarious to announce that the strippers were here and then have male dancers come out. I have a twisted sense of humor, I suppose. I certainly wasn't going to cheat on the most beautiful woman in the world mere weeks before our wedding, so prostitutes and female dancers were completely out of the question for me. They jokingly suggested male dancers it and we laughed. I thought about it a bit and I guess I'm "take-the-joke-too-far" guy so I encouraged it. Lilly knew about it and thought it was funny as well and wanted me to video tape it while it happened. ("Yeah right you just want to ogle the dancers" "Of course, lah!")
What I wasn't prepared for was the PLATOON of banana hammocks that marched out into the restaurant. Smooth greased up Asian chests everywhere! My dad was of course shocked at first and then looked at me and we started laughing and the ridiculousness of it. My dad stood up and clapped his hand on my shoulder and put a mock serious look on his face. The people immediately around me witnessed my dad telling me that he loved me and accepted my life style choice and that nothing I could say or do would ever change the fact that he and mom loved me and accepted me. Thanks, dad. I was laughing during the whole thing and my future BIL and work buddies who were around me were laughing as well. My dad excused himself and said he had to go find my mom and tell her the "bad news about her future grandchildren" and left ("Can adopt, lah! Can surrogate, meh!" Thanks for the support, guys). My future BIL laughed and said that since all of the available male dancers were at my party, there were none available to attend his sister's party, so she was "safe".
Among the highlights of the evening is that I discovered that a few of my co-workers and future cousins were in fact gay. I was told to stay out of the ladies' room no matter what. I wasn't planning on going in but thanks for the warning. I was proud that we all only vomited in the trash cans and not on the floor (what a waste of some damn good sushi....and fish sperm). Rich and Jimmy stayed next to each other all night. I even saw them holding hands and looking at each other lovingly. To my shame, I was under the common misconception that all gay men were very promiscuous and I kind of expected them to pair off with the dancers. What I saw that night was a very loving monogamous relationship.
The Wedding Day
The day of the wedding came a few days later and I had the good fortune of being the first one in my family to experience the fun and interesting experience of a groom going through a Chinese-style wedding. I say "Chinese-style" because while we did do a lot of the traditions from a Chinese wedding, we did say vows to God before a Christian minister. This was something she insisted on as her family had converted from Taoism to Christianity (but still kept the Taoist traditions and festivals).
First up was the gatecrash. I went over to the her family's apartment and the MOH and bridesmaids stood at the door refusing to let me in unless I gave them $9999.00. Nine is a significant symbol to them. It means "longevity" I think. So the whole idea is for me to haggle the price down by doing challenges and games. I had to do a handstand and walk with my hands. I had to answer trivia questions ("What is her nickname for you?" "Cranky old man" "What is your nickname for her?" "Baby"). BIL and I had to do "the worm". I haggled them down to $99 which I paid to them in a red packet. My BIL and wife chided me for not going lower but my dad was there and was in his 70s and couldn't do any feats of strength.
After I "secured" my bride, we did the traditional tea ceremony with her parents and my parents. Lilly was dressed in a traditional red silk qipao, tailor made by Rich and Jimmy. I gotta tell you people, the qipao really does it for me! Not gonna lie, it was like cupid gut punched me when I saw her dressed in it . My parents were pretty stoic throughout but my mom sympathy cried with Lilly's parents when she tearfully did the tea ceremony with her mother and father. We received red packets from each set of parents. I was told the red packet her parents gave us had most of the bride price we paid in it. Her mom gave her her grandmother's jeweled antique watch and my mom gave her a sapphire ring (sapphire is my birth stone). As we left her home to go to Chijmes, I told her "we're keeping that dress, understand me??" She laughed.
We got to Chijmes, did the photos and she walked down the aisle in a beautiful white dress with a small train behind it with sequins on it. My dad gave me the ring. He was my best man. He was my best man because he's the best man I know. After the wedding, she changed into a champagne colored strapless cocktail dress another Rich and Jimmy original. THREE wardrobe changes, people! THREE! All with different hair and make up and she did it super quick. I don't know what wizardry was invoked but we may be indebted to the hoary netherworld.
We honeymooned at the Fullerton Hotel. The old British colonial Post Office was converted to a luxury hotel in 2001. We stayed there for 3 days ordering overpriced room service ("Go to hawker center, lah! Much cheaper better food, meh!).
Emigration and Immigration
So a little bit before this time, a little event happened in New York. You might have heard about it. Anyway because some sexually repressed incels decided to murder thousands of people, USA's immigration was all jacked up. The INS went bye-bye. Then we had the BCIS for a brief moment, followed by the USCIS. I saw that my project was ending and my company helped me with her immigration. It was a pain, though. It seems like we had new forms to fill out every week while the old ones became obsolete. That's how I remember it, anyway. It was a pretty frustrating time and I almost had to leave her behind (it wouldn't have been permanent but it would be a long time). Luckily we were able to make it time.
For explanation purposes, we didn't get LEGALLY married in Singapore. We had the religious ceremony but no "government contracts" were involved. This is because, at that time at least, it was easier to bring over a fiancée than a wife, for some reason. So Lilly was a "90 Day Fiancée"!! We got married at the county courthouse when we finally were able to go to my new project. We didn't wait 90 days. We did in three (jet lag).
Unfortunately for her, we moved from Singapore, a 24 hour international class city, to a sleepy seaside town in the USA near a military base. Lots of fun was had with that. A total fish out of water story for another time (What is this "coin laundry"? Do you Americans have a place to wash your coins?).
My BIL got married to a beautiful girl and moved to Australia and opened a Bait and Tackle store in Surfer's Paradise on the east coast of Australia. He has 2 daughters. In 2012 he was caught cheating on his wife and lost everything. She moved back to Singapore with his kids, and he kind of struggled for a while. He got another bait and tackle store eventually and tries to see his daughters whenever he can. They don't have a good relationship.
Rich and Jimmy celebrated the decriminalization of homosexuality in Singapore in 2022, but they still can't get married. We still talk from time to time. Writing this, I find myself missing them. I had some really fun times because of them. I've never had better conversations in Singapore than with them while at Lilly's dress fittings (and my suit fittings).
We have been married for 21 years. She has never given up being a Singaporean citizen. She keeps her passport current. She's a "permanent resident" here in the USA. We have three kids, two boys and a girl. We are still married. She still wears her hair in a pony tail with a ball cap when she works out. She still wears that qipao on special occasions, which I try to achieve as often as possible. She's still my Baby and I'm still her Cranky Old Man.
Thanks for reading.

I know this is a touchy subject no pun intended.
My therapist is a slightly older male and I am a female in my early 30s. The problem is I want a hug from him so much. It's not a romantic thing at all, as sad and pathetic as it will sound, I have no extended family, the two I do have are abusive. I do however, have my husband and children. ( So even though he's effectively a stranger and a professional that's not related to me, to me, he has become my fake extended family. I am fully aware he is not my family, will never be a friend etc. it's just comforting to me to think of him as a surrogate for that even though he isn't. And this is why I think I want a hug from him. Like he's a nice caring dad or uncle figure that I never had. (Maybe not a dad I don't know how much older he is than me but whatever)
How do I navigate this? Do I find another therapist? My problem is I have no mother and dont want to go through therapists having this problem, I see it now, attaching to a female therapist as a surrogate mother. I don't know what to do about this. I chose a male therapist because I read that it could help to have a supportive male figure in my life opposed to the awful ones I have. (Husband not included).
It just feels really pathetic and sad and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I have asked for a hug once in the past and he told me he is not going to do a hug today out of professionalism.

Why else would she make this comment about her extended cousins, as this girl or family never accepted me or ever will. Does anyone else see this as a way to try and intimidate an individual?

Hello Reddit Family,
From the jump, we've experienced nothing but delays and minimal communication with our entire house building process. We would continually reach out to our realtor, only to take a backseat to the builder and their schedule laid out for them. At first, we felt sympathetic to our realtor and gave them the benefit of the doubt. We started establishing point-of-contacts internally with the builder to get things done. In the meantime, the realtor was no where to be found; taking vacations, extended weekends, and deciding they wouldn't be available 2 days out of the work week as their days off. Once again, we all need a balance of family/work: but I truly believe this realtor was abusing the system - which could of been the reason they were let go from the builder's real estate team. This happened sometime ago and we've been managing without them for about a month. Well, they just sent us a message saying they're still representing us and giving us an update of the build (which is two weeks too old communication). We feel slighted and our kindness taken advantage of. I think there's better deserving agents out there and want our monies to go to them. What choices do we have here in Alabama when it comes to Dual Agency where one party has released the realtor from their obligation? Thank you for reading...

So my flight is delayed for about 8 hours, fortunately I found out before I left my hotel room so I extended my stay for a bit vs having to share space in the airport with the huge amounts of family’s coming and going on vacation. I thought I’d try to pass the time and see if there’s any females online who’d care to chat. If so please drop me a line. Thanks.

i’m an eighteen year old transmasc that started t just a few hours ago at the time of writing this. i’m going to be moving out of my moms apartment by the end of the summer to go to college in north carolina and living with my extended family. i’m not all that concerned about coming out and truthfully, i don’t think it would make much of a difference if i did. i have a complicated relationship with my mom but the rest of my family is….weird about me transitioning anyway.
moving on, im in average dose t-gel and i know it usually takes a little while for significant changes to show but my therapist brought up a valid point that has me doubting everything.
since im going out of state, my moms gonna be paying for my tuition and all that stuff at least for the first year or so. im grateful for it. but she doesn’t know that im trans (even though i dont make it a secret) and my therapist asked me “do you think she would stop paying for your school if she found out?” and now im doubting everything. i know i dont owe her an explanation and i dont need to tell her everything but this didn’t really cross my mind until now.
tldr; are there any other transmen who started hrt while the people you’re around are oblivious?

First off, burner account.
Second, present status: My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 4. We have a 3 year old girl and she's been the center of my world since my wife got pregnant.
Third, in my opinion on reflection, our relationship is fundamentally unhealthy, rooted in codependency, resentment, and insecurity. This fed into cycles of abuse and dishonesty that have further damaged the root of the relationship. I will not cast blame at her entirely nor will I fall on my own sword entirely. When we met I was basically friendless and without anyone to confide in a new city after being there for a few months. We bonded very quickly (probably too quickly) and I centered my world around a new girlfriend and my job. This honeymoon period was good more or less but I had no other support structure in place and got hyper attached and latched onto her to fulfill my emotional needs.
When we were one year in I caught her snooping on my phone, which to be fair I forgot had explicit photos from an ex I received before my now wife and I started dating. She got upset at the photos (I swear to this day I completely forgot they were there), I was frustrated she went behind my back on my phone, it was messy. This happened in front of my entire immediate and extended family and she used it as a wedge between my parents, my brother, and me (and on occasion brings it up in arguments to this day). Because I had grown to be so dependent on her for my emotional and egotistical needs I basically groveled for her to take me back and pushed the wedge further between my family and me by demanding they apologize to her for standing up for me to "prove my loyalty." Thinking about this makes me feel not so great about myself.
For extra context, my wife has a temper. If we get into a dispute or I push back hard enough on a disagreement/crossed boundary, she is very likely to start screaming, throwing things at the wall, and slamming doors. She will weaponize past transgressions or missteps on my part that she at one point "forgave." She has never directly struck me but there have been some close calls and she certainly doesn't mince words. She's also made casual comments of suicidality. It's not an all the time thing, but it does happen and my response is to typically turtle up and/or fawn until it blows over, we "make up", and inevitably act like nothing happens. I'm no saint either though. I can be fairly critical and easily annoyed by what are fairly innocuous things, and since I do tend to bottle up my frustration and emotions, when I do occasionally lash out I will invariably "go for the throat" and say something fairly personal or harsh. I also tend to be bad at listening and get "tunnel vision" sometimes when heated. Again, not something I am proud of but I am working on it in therapy and am trying to be transparent here.
A few years later we relocated a couple states west of where we met (NYC) so we could find better paying jobs for a lower cost of living. I made out pretty well on paper, finding a stable career (electrician) that paid enough so we could afford a home. She found a job that doesn't have to do to much for but she barely tolerates it and it has eaten away at her sense of pride wrt her career. We make mostly the same amount of money and keep separate bank accounts (at my own behest). She has tried on and off again to find a new job but she can never seem to seal the deal. This obviously has had a huge negative impact on her overall mental health and it contributes to a lot of frustration and resentment between the two of us, her at my career successes, me at her constant need for me to be her sounding board.
On that latter part, I do realize the hypocrisy compared to where I was historically in the relationship being the needy and emotionally dependent one. The thing is in this place we've been for the past 5 years I've made an attempt at a social life (as best as one can with COVID) whereas she never wanted to interact with people or form emotional bonds independent of me. I became more of her therapist than her romantic partner and spouse and in that process my sense of romantic love for her faded, mostly to be replaced by a sense of responsibility and care much more akin to a friendship or caregiver.
Just after we got the house, my wife got pregnant with our girl and that coupled with the fading romance basically killed our sex life. She didn't want to initiate and I got tired of being rebuked. At times I'd get a wandering eye but I never acted on it and just opted to take care of the issue of sex drive myself through masturbation. There would still be fights over stuff, blow ups around our respective issues with spending and financial irresponsibility, assumptions around the nature of cross-gender friendships (my wife being consistently insecure that I'd leave for a few different female friends of mine). I just sort of accepted that this is what marriage looked like because in a lot of ways this is what my family looked like growing up.
After a certain point in the cycle of fight, fawn, ignore, resent, repeat, I snapped. I realized I did not love my wife romantically anymore and mostly just tried to appease her on a day to day basis in hopes she'd be happy and not flip out on me. At this point, I don't know how it happened (probably needed my ego and vanity stroked), but I engaged in a month long emotional fantasy with a sex worker on OnlyFans. I fully realize that was a fantasy and not a relationship beyond a business or casual online friendship. Most of the time we didn't even discuss sexual stuff, we mostly just talked about our days, dreams, and wants in life. I terminated it a few weeks ago realizing what a compromising situation this could be legally speaking, but I do miss the friendship if I'm being completely honest. She was even a voice of support and clarity in a moment of grave concern wrt my wife and daughter (see below).
And that's really the part that eats at me because I realize I don't even have that same level of support and interaction with my spouse. She will say she loves me but it's always in relation to how she feels and what she wants. After years of constant arguing, manipulation, and mutual resentment I feel as if the sort of love she feels is a possessive one that is more about benefitting her than one that is rooted in mutual appreciation for each other as individuals. It is the love of an object and less of someone you are genuinely excited to talk with, learn from, and experience life with.
I know infidelity is a hard boundary for her and I have thought about telling her and to request divorce to get out in front of it and focus on our daughter's development and happiness in life. And I was prepared to do that until last month when I woke up from a nap to her screaming at our child for acting up and being physically aggressive with her. I confronted her about this and at first she acted confused and bewildered saying I misheard what was going on. Then she started to cry and then she accused me of manipulation so that I'd take our daughter away. At this point I realized I was not dealing with someone I could openly communicate with and walked back what I confronted her with, basically appeasing her and saying "Ah yeah I must have misheard. I'm sorry I accused you of anything off-putting." And now a month or so later we are back to acting like nothing happened.
I am legitimately concerned about what steps I take next as I don't want to disturb the tentative peace. I offered an olive branch of amicable trial separation but that turned into a huge blow up and ultimatum from her on me leaving (and potentially losing custody of a child I believe is potentially in danger) or staying and going to couples counseling. The latter in theory sounds fine but I have heard horror stories about couples counseling, especially when aggressive personalities are involved. In a brutal twist of irony she has become aggressively more sexual in light of these recent disputes and has been acting way more like the first year we dated in the bedroom. On one hand that's great but on the other it leaves me sick to my stomach afterwards, especially when it's followed by what feels like is a lot of love bombing.
I am legitimately concerned about my wife's behavior and mental state at this point considering her history and am now concerned as to how it might blow back on our child. I feel stuck in acting like everything is normal to ensure my daughter is safe in the short term. Do I lay low and establish a plan of action to keep me and my child safe in the event of a serious blow up? I hate being dishonest (I know). I don't want to go to war in court. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her mother but I feel responsible in fostering a situation that will lead to scorched earth (or worse) if I press the issue any further.

Part 2
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It was late when I got back home but for as tired as I was, I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep a wink.
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I went into my computer room and opened up my laptop, before plugging in the USB the bartender had given me. There were four folders on it, each one containing the feed from a different camera in the Rooster. I clicked into one of the folders at random and picked through the video files inside, looking for the stretch of footage that I needed. It didn’t take me long to find it either.
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I clicked into one of the video files, and watched as the chaos of the Red Rooster played out before me. People drinking, flirting, laughing. Living their lives. Nothing I hadn’t seen before. I let the footage play for a bit, before getting up to grab myself a couple of beers from the fridge. When I got back, I started skipping through the video, waiting for the moment my two victims showed up.
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When I’d taken the bartender's statement, he’d told me that he’d seen the two before, both separate and together. He didn’t know their names, but he knew their faces. Other patrons recognized them too. One of them had identified the red haired girl as ‘Kayley’ and had mentioned she lived down at River Ridge, a trailer park outside of town. Nobody had been able to name the Elegant Woman, although a lot of patrons had said they’d seen her around before.
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Apparently, both of them usually came to hook up, leaving with a different stranger on most nights. Odds are, they’d why they were there on that night too. They’d come in at around 8:47. The Elegant looking dark haired woman seemed to be the one taking the lead, and seemed to be the one doing most of the talking. She and Kayley went to sit at the bar, talking amongst each other all the while. I couldn’t say for sure what they were talking about. Even if the file had audio, I doubt I’d have been able to single them out over the crowd. They looked at ease though.
​
They shared a couple of drinks. Nothing seemed that out of the ordinary. I took a sip of my beer, watching them. Eventually, Kayley got distracted talking to a man further down the bar, while the Elegant Woman stayed at the bar, drinking casually as if she had all the time in the world.
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The man in the suit came in at around 9:12.
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My attention shifted to him the moment he came in through the door.
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He fit the description that every witness I’d spoken to had given about the shooter. A tall man with a red beard in a black suit who was wearing a pair of reflective sunglasses despite the fact that it was 9 at night. Even beneath his suit, it was easy to tell he had a good physique, and his crew cut implied a military history to me.
​
Red Beard took a seat at the bar, a few seats down from the Elegant Woman. He ordered a drink, and nursed it for a bit, discreetly looking around at the other patrons of the bar but not seeming to look directly at either the Elegant Woman or Kayley. He just drank his beer, and when he was finished, he got up and switched seats, moving to sit beside the Elegant Woman. She looked over at him, putting on a charming smile as they talked. I almost got the impression that they were flirting with each other.
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They kept talking for a while and as they did, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. If I didn’t know what was coming next… it would have caught me completely off guard. When she turned to take a sip of her drink, the gun appeared in his hand, almost without warning. She didn’t even have time to react before he shot her at point blank range. Three bullets straight to the chest.
​
I saw Kayley spin around and freeze up. Her entire body tensed, as if she was ready to lunge at the shooter. If that was her intention though, she never got the chance. He put two bullets in her without even thinking, then without so much as a glance backward, he took off toward the door.
​
I rubbed my temples, watching as the chaos of the aftermath unfolded. Some people called 911. Some, like the bartender, ran to the aid of the bodies. I saw myself run in through the door less than six minutes after the shooting had happened.
​
That was where I stopped the video.
​
I took another sip of my beer, and sighed. I rewound it a little bit, watching as the shooter came in and watching as he left. I might recognize this man on the street if I saw him, but other than his red hair and sunglasses, there wasn’t really much to go off of.
​
The way he left… he walked away almost casually, as if he had someplace to be. He didn’t run. He didn’t panic. He was cold, calm, and professional. I guess that fit with the other murders, didn’t it?
​
I steeled myself to review the footage again, this time from another camera. Maybe there’d be something from one of the angles that I didn’t see. I checked the angles of the other three cameras. Two of them wouldn’t offer me much. One of them didn’t even catch the shooting. But the last one…
​
The last one looked promising.
​
It was situated near the back of the bar and through it, you could see out a window onto the street. It wasn’t the best view… but it was different.
​
From that angle, I could see a black sedan pull up to drop the man in the suit off. I saw him walk in the door and sit by the bar and from there, the scene played out the same as it did before. The man in the suit shot the two women and he left.
​
He strode out toward the sedan parked out front, got in the passenger seat and the sedan took off like a shot. There’d been a getaway driver. Interesting…
​
I set my unfinished beer down. I could drink the rest of it later. I needed to go on a little drive.
​
It was around 4 AM when I returned to the Red Rooster. I parked my car on the street, exactly where the black sedan had parked, and got out. The downtown area around me was dead silent. Lifeless almost. There wasn’t another soul in sight. But that was fine by me. That just meant that there were no distractions.
​
It didn’t take me long to find what I was looking for. There was a bank across the street and I walked toward it. The doors were locked, but that was fine. I could see what I needed through the windows.
​
Bank machines.
​
More specifically, bank machines with cameras. Cameras that were pointed right at the Red Rooster.
Perfect.
​
***
​
I was off shift the next day, but that just gave me time to get some actual work done. It was probably better I do it all from home. This case was Di Cesares now. I wasn’t sure what she’d do if she caught me working on it, and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to find out. Judging by those fangs in her mouth, she wasn’t human either. Hell, I wasn’t sure if she was actually even from the State Police… I got the impression that Sheriff Smith didn’t seem to think so. But if she wasn’t with them, who was she with? Why hadn’t the State Police sent someone else? Had she done something to them? Even if she had, I couldn’t just believe that the State Police wouldn’t notice something like that.
​
No… there was something else going on here. But I could figure that out later.
​
First things first - I needed to review the footage from the bank machines. The bank was more than willing to give me access to the footage when I asked. They knew who I was, they knew what had happened and they knew why I was asking.
​
Once I got back home, it didn’t take me long to find what I was looking for. Just as I’d hoped, the bank machines had recorded the car that had been waiting outside the Red Rooster. I couldn’t make out the license plate from the footage… but I could see enough to identify the make and model of the car.
​
An Audi A6 Sedan.
​
I’m not much of a car guy, but I can say that there’s not a lot of Audi’s in rural Ohio. Even without the license plate, this shouldn’t have been hard to find. I made a call to a buddy of mine in the BMV, told him what I was looking for and within the hour, he had the results for me.
​
It turns out, there were actually only eight Audi A6 Sedans registered in our county and all of them were registered to the same company.
​
Apostle Security.
​
Naturally, I did a bit of research on them. Apostle was a mid-sized private security firm based in Cincinnati, although they had a few other offices in Ohio and some of the surrounding states. It’d been started by a man named Joseph Cray about ten years ago, although beyond that I couldn’t find out much about their history and really, I didn’t care. Their website didn’t list any offices in my county… but the BMV seemed to say otherwise. My friend there had given me an address outside of town and even if I was off duty, I figured that no one could give me any guff for taking a little scenic drive. And if I just so happened to see some black Audi’s that looked like the one that had been parked outside of Red Rooster last night… well, maybe I’d pass that information along to whoever was on duty at the time. I’m pretty sure it was Biggs and Hoffman. They could decide whether or not to tell Di Cesare. It would be completely out of my hands.
​
I headed out to my car, plugged the address I’d gotten into my GPS and took a little drive.
​
As I drove through the backroads leading out of town, I felt a sense of quiet apprehension. Maybe I was being naive, putting my hopes on this lead. But I’d done the work. If Apostle really was behind this, it would make sense for them to have some sort of location in the county. If I was right, maybe I wouldn’t find all the answers to this surreal mess of a case, but I’d at least find the shooters. That was something. At least people wouldn’t be dying anymore.
​
Christ… I still didn’t know what to make of the victims. The gills on Kayley, the fangs on Patricia Russell, the fractures on Geoffery Vickers bones. Maybe these people really were monsters? If so… maybe these shooters knew that. Maybe that was why they did it.
​
But even if that was the case - I still couldn’t just leave a roving kill squad to wander around unchecked. The way things were going, it was just a matter of time until one of the victims was just some innocent bystander. I passed by a familiar sign as I neared the edge of the county. An advertisement for the local Volkswagen dealership.
​
‘You’re in Smith Country!’ It declared, along with a prominent smiling photo of Aaron Smith himself. I’d always found that sign a little creepy. The eyes and the smile were both a little too wide. It made the man look downright unhinged. I’d never actually met Aaron Smith in person, despite working for his older brother. The Sheriff would mention him from time to time and I could see the family resemblance, but it was hard to imagine the face on that sign sitting down to an odd Sunday dinner with Sheriff Smith.
​
To be fair, they probably didn’t talk much. I don’t think Aaron Smith himself even lived in town anymore. He owned a bunch of other dealerships scattered around southwest Ohio. Smith Volkswagen was just the oldest. But the sign had been there forever, and why fix what ain’t broken, even if it is creepy as hell?
​
Either way, just past that unsettling sign was my destination. Once upon a time, it’d been a small auto garage that had long since gone defunct. It’d been closed down since before I moved to town. From what I’d seen, Smith Volkswagen had used the property as an additional lot to store the cars they had no room for, from time to time but it didn’t seem like they did that anymore. Now the place just looked completely dead. There were no cars parked out front, Audi or otherwise.
​
I pulled into the parking lot, and checked the address I had to make sure it was correct. This was definitely the place. I parked my car and got out, before making my way to the front door. I found it locked.
​
Naturally.
​
Guess my luck had to run out somewhere. Maybe this was a dead end? I already knew I probably wasn’t getting inside without a warrant, and I didn’t exactly know what my chances were of getting one.
​
I tried the door again. It still didn’t open. From the corner of my eye, I noticed a security camera by the door. I stared up into it. The presence of a camera probably didn’t mean much. Whoever owned this property probably wanted to deter adventurous kids and urban explorers from going in. Maybe it was nothing, but I still couldn’t help but find it interesting.
​
I considered just going back to the car but didn’t want to feel like I’d wasted my time, so I figured I’d snoop a little bit. I took a quick walk around the perimeter, peeking in through the windows that I passed. I didn’t see much, but judging by what I could see, this place wasn’t abandoned. I didn’t see anyone inside, but the inside looked awfully clean for an abandoned building.
​
Going out around back, I noticed that there were garbage bags in the dumpsters out back. Not a lot… but enough to confirm to me that there were people here. Maybe this wasn’t a dead end…
​
I heard a sudden mechanical whirr from the other side of the building that made me pause. I rounded the corner, moving along the back of the building just in time to see a convoy of five black Audi’s rolling out of the garage door, one after the other. They turned onto the road, moving almost in perfect sync as they headed toward town. I felt a knot form in my stomach as I watched them go.
​
I’d found the cars I’d been looking for… although if they were going somewhere, odds are that we’d be getting a call about it all too soon.
​
My heart was beating faster in my chest.
I knew I couldn’t just sit there and watch. I knew I needed to do something.
So I did.
​
I ran back to my car as fast as my legs could carry me, leaping behind the wheel and keying the engine. I tore back out onto the road, speeding after the convoy. I didn’t know what my plan was. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew that if I didn’t do something, people were going to die.
​
The convoy turned away from downtown, following the river north. They passed by the River Ridge RV park, moving further down the road towards the outskirts of the county. It was hard to say exactly where they were going. There wasn’t much out that way, not for several miles. But they were moving with purpose and so was I.
​
About ten miles past River Ridge, I noticed something up ahead. Flashing lights, like what you’d see on a squad car, although there was no color to them. They were just white.
​
The convoy in front of me finally began to pull off the road. I could see them passing another Audi, this one outfitted with an LED bar. Two men on the road waved them off. Both of them were dressed in well pressed suits and wore reflective sunglasses. One of them was bald with a very thick dark stubble, and the other had a familiar red beard and military crew cut.
​
The knot in my stomach grew tighter as I drove toward the men, waiting for them to stop me. I reached for my pistol, ready for them to make a move. They just waved me on, barely even looking at me. I still kept my hand on my gun as I drove past, watching Red Beard and Baldy like a hawk.
​
I could see two other men behind the parked Audi with the flashing lights out of the corner of my eye. They were on the ground, fidgeting with something. It took me a moment to figure out what it was.
​
Spike strips.
​
I’d seen them before. We’d used them back during my army days at vehicle checkpoints and while we’d never had to use them while I’d been working as a city cop, we did have them.
​
They were setting up an ambush here. The five Audi’s that had pulled off the road parked along the shoulder further down. I could see men in suits getting out of them. I didn’t see any guns… I guess they were still partially trying to be subtle. But I still had a feeling that they were armed.
​
I kept on driving, going further down the road. Stopping and confronting these men wasn’t an option. Maybe they weren’t interested in making a mess by shooting any random schmuck who passed by their little trap, but that didn’t change the fact that they were probably dangerous. Charging in and dealing with them by myself wasn’t a smart idea. So instead, I reached for my phone, and I called Biggs.
​
He answered on the first ring.
“Hey Sawy-”
“Ethan, we have a situation,” I said. “Who’s on duty with you right now?”
“Right now it’s Hoffman, why what’s going on?”
“Call Hoffman, call the Sheriff and call Lopez. There’s going to be another attack.”
“What? Where?”
​
“I’ve spotted some suspects setting up some kind of ambush ten miles north of River Ridge. How soon can you be here?”
“Twenty, thirty minutes, maybe?” He said, “Sawyer, where are you right now?”
“I just passed the ambush point. They’re gearing up for something, now move your ass!”
“Y-yeah, of course!”
Biggs hung up immediately, and I pulled off to the side of the road. I took a deep breath, before checking the magazine of my pistol and getting out.
​
I wasn’t going to charge in needlessly… but I needed to have eyes on this situation. It’d be easier if I could get closer on foot. Leaving my car behind, I dipped into the woods along the other side of the road, letting them hide me as I walked back along the road toward the ambush.
​
The river whispered beside me as I crept through the trees, and the steep incline leading down toward the river helped keep me low and hidden from sight.
​
I could see the flashing white lights of the parked Audi, and watched as they suddenly went dark. Red Beard was speaking into a walkie talkie, and on the far side of the road, I could see several men waiting by the five parked Audi’s. This time, they had guns. Assault rifles, by the looks of it.
​
I was right. There was another attack coming and it was coming now.
“Fish market’s on the move, gentlemen. Put out the nets!” Red Beard said.
​
On his order, I watched one of the men pull the spike strip across the road, while Red Beard addressed the men on the far side of the road. He spoke like a drill instructor and the men he addressed carried themselves like soldiers.
“As of right now, we are locked in on this operation! We run things smooth, we run it clean, we get the job done. No mistakes like last time! No stragglers! Understood?”
“Sir yes sir!” Came a familiar chorus.
​
After a few minutes, headlights appeared further down the road. I watched them from my vantage point, praying they belonged to Biggs. But the oncoming vehicle was too big to be a squad car. This looked more like an RV.
​
No…
​
This was a whole convoy of RV’s. Most likely coming from River Ridge.
​
I couldn’t count them all, but they were all heading towards the ambush… and that was when the pieces slowly began to click into place.
​
Kayley, the girl who’d survived… the girl the people at Red Rooster had been able to ID. She’d lived at River Ridge. If she and her friend from the other night weren’t human… then there was a damn good chance that there were others just like them there. Other women with gills. I guess River Ridge would be the perfect place for them… it was quiet, away from the hustle and bustle of downtown and close to the water. Whatever these people were… it’d just about be the perfect place for them.
‘Fish market’s on the move.’
​
That’s what Red Beard had said.
​
The other killings hadn’t exactly been low key… if there were more girls like Kayley at River Ridge, odds are they’d heard about them. And odds are that once they realized they were being targeted too, their first instinct would be to get the hell out of dodge. That would explain why they were carrying out this attack in broad daylight too. They weren’t going off of their own schedule, they were trying to catch the monsters as they fled. And now their targets were here… drawing closer and closer to their massacre with each passing second.
​
There was no sign of Biggs or anyone else. They still had to be at least fifteen minutes out… probably more.. By the time they got here, the shooting would probably already be over.
​
I couldn’t let that happen.
​
For the record - I knew that what I was about to do was extraordinarily stupid, but I didn’t see a whole lot of other options. I couldn’t allow them to ambush those RV’s. I couldn’t. I didn’t really stop to weigh the pros and cons in my head. Sure, I knew that what I was about to do had a chance of survival that was damn near zero… but hey, everyone dies sometime, right? This was the only option I had available to me. In a lot of ways, it wasn’t really even a choice I made. I just did it. I took aim at the nearest target, and I fired.
​
I saw one of the men by the car, the bald one with the scruff grab his shoulder and stumble back a step. He wasn’t dead, but he was hurt. I shot at him again, but he was low enough to the ground and far enough away that I didn’t hit him. He hastily dragged himself off the road and behind the Audi. He still managed to stand, so clearly he wasn’t in that bad a shape.
​
The moment he heard the gunshots, Red Beard spun around, drawing his own pistol as he did. I knew that he saw me. I could see his expression creasing into a scowl the moment he did. Our eyes locked for only a split second before the air was filled with the sound of gunshots.
​
POP. POP. POP.
​
I felt a white hot pain sting across my arm as one of his bullets grazed me, and even though I returned fire I doubt I hit him. Red Beard dove behind his Audi, but behind him I could see his little kill squad moving in.
​
I couldn’t count how many of them there were. More than ten. Fifteen, maybe? Twenty at most? Who could say.
​
I retreated back into the trees, skidding down the forested incline toward the river as I waited for the gunmen to come for me.
“Keep off the road!” Red Beard snarled, “Watch your fire! Wait until you have a shot!”
He must’ve been trying to salvage this operation… Although from where I sat, the RV’s looked to be slowing down. Seems they’d noticed the gunfire.
​
Red Beard glanced in the direction of the RV’s, and I could see the gears in his head spinning. This was all going wrong… but he didn’t seem the type to give up. On the road, the lead RV moved to make a U turn. I could see Red Beard watching it, and took a pot shot at him. It didn’t hit him, but it did shatter the driver's side window of his Audi.
​
Roaring in frustration, Red Beard fired three shots back at me.
“Goddamnit! Fuck it! Squads 1 and 2, kill that son of a bitch! 3 to 5, intercept the convoy, NOW!”
​
I saw some of his men back off, running back to their cars. The rest moved onto the road, coming after me. I fired at them, and I saw one of them stumble back as I shot him dead in the chest. But he didn’t die. He stumbled, but picked himself right back up.
​
Great, they were armored too.
​
I was punished for poking my head out by a burst of machine gun fire. The trees by my head splintered as I dove down into cover. I lost my footing, sliding further down the incline toward the river. The only reason I didn’t fall all the way down was because I caught myself on a tree. Looking up, I could see about eight figures at the top of the incline, coming down off the road. One of them spotted me and opened fire. All I could do was scramble out of the way and roll further down the hill toward the water.
​
Gunfire followed me, but I couldn’t see who was shooting. I couldn’t see where they were. I couldn’t stop to try and get a shot. There were too many of them. I dove down to safety behind a fallen old tree. Bullets rained down on it, tearing off chunks of bark and sending splinters raining down on me.
​
I gripped my gun tight. My blood rushing in my ears. Somehow… I always wondered if I’d die like this. Dug into the dirt, with bullets whizzing past my head. Maybe there wasn’t any other way for me to die? Who’s to say? But I’d be damned if I didn’t take at least one of those bastards down with me.
​
I took a deep breath. Steeled myself for what I was sure was going to be my last stand.
​
Then, gun in hand I rose to return fire.
​
Only when the rifles went off, they weren’t aimed at me.
​
I could see the eight figures standing in between the trees, but they’d turned away from me. They were shooting at something else now, although I couldn’t immediately see what. I just saw a shape, moving between the trees. I heard the ground shift and saw a cloud of dirt fly up. One of the armed men was sent screaming down the incline, into the river. I wasn’t sure if he’d survived the fall or not.
​
One of the other men opened fire, only for the shape to grab his rifle, I saw them force it down, before lunging at his throat. He screamed as they sank their teeth into him, but didn’t seem to be able to put up much of a fight otherwise. Two of his friends opened fire on him, hoping to kill the shape that had him in its grasp. The ground seemed to shift beneath them, sending both of them down the incline and into the river. Within seconds, whoever or whatever the hell this was had just taken out half of the men who were supposed to be killing me.
​
They tossed the man they’d just bitten to the ground and for the first time, I got a good look at my savior. Clementine Di Cesare’s mouth was smeared red with blood. Her sunglasses were absent and in her blue eyes I could see an unsettling calm. As if this wasn’t so much different to her than any other mundane chore.
​
The remaining gunmen seemed to freeze at the sight of her, not seeming to know how to react until Di Cesare moved. She was fast. It was hard to tell if she was running, or if the ground simply shifted beneath her. She lunged for the nearest gunman, kneeing him in the stomach and tossing him aside like he weighed nothing, although while she dealt with him, the man beside him got off a lucky shot.
​
Before Di Cesare could deal with him, he emptied half his magazine into her chest… but she didn’t fall. Hell, there wasn’t a scratch on her. The guy who’d shot her on the other hand?
​
Blood dribbled from his mouth. His body jerked violently as he collapsed to the ground. It was as if he’d been the one who’d gotten shot, not her. Di Cesare barely paid him any mind, regarding the final two men with that eerie calmness.
​
I could see one of them stumbling away, trying to get back up the incline. The other one just gritted his teeth and decided to fight on until the end. He was smart enough to know that shooting her wasn’t going to work, so instead he pulled a combat knife from his jacket and charged at her, as if it would do him any good.
​
Di Cesare barely even reacted. She sidestepped him and casually sent him down the incline into the river below. I saw him tumble down into the river before crashing into the water below with a final scream.
​
Di Cesare watched him fall with a quiet disinterest, before her attention shifted to me. I took a step back, half expecting her to come for me just like she did with the others. Instead, she simply wiped the blood from her mouth before she turned away from me, and headed back up the incline, moving with purpose.
​
I hesitated for a moment before following her. Di Cesare stepped out onto the road and surveyed the scene before her with an intense gaze. Whatever Red Beards plan had been… clearly everything had gone catastrophically wrong. I could see some of the black Audi’s on the road, trying to follow the RV’s, although the one that got the closest to one of the RV’s near the back of the convoy got rammed by it and sent careening off the road.
​
The tires of Red Beard’s Audi screeched as it tore back out onto the road. I saw him behind the wheel, sparing Di Cesare and I a single glance as he took off at top speed. I raised my gun to shoot at him but Di Cesare seized me by the wrist, stopping me from doing so. I looked over at her, confused.
“Let them run,” She said calmly. “We know where they are now.”
​
She looked down the road, back toward the fleeing RVs, and seemed momentarily content. One of the five parked Audi’s, driven by the survivor of the group who’d gone after me sped onto the road and Di Cesare regarded it with quiet disinterest before walking over to the road spikes and beginning to move them.
“Help me with this,” She said coolly.
​
I hesitated for a moment before doing exactly what she asked.
“You called for backup?” She asked, as we dragged the spikes off the road.
“I did,” I said. “Wait, you’re not with them?”
“No,” She replied plainly. We packed away the spikes but left them at the side of the road. Someone else could collect them as evidence. “I was with the RV convoy.”
​
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“You were with them?” I asked. “So you knew about the attack?”
“I knew it was likely,” She said. “Although I didn’t expect you here, Deputy Sawyer,”
She tilted her head at me.
“Working behind my back, I see.”
​
“I was following up on a lead,” I said. “I tracked the vehicle that last night's shooter used to a garage just on the edge of town. I saw some cars leaving and figured it was probably bad news, so I followed them here.”
“I see… you’re quite sedulous, aren’t you?”
“Well I couldn’t exactly sit around given the past few days, could I?” I asked. “What the hell just happened back there, on the incline? How did you… what the hell did you do? I watched someone shoot you, then die of their own gunshot wounds! How the hell did you do that? What the hell are you?”
​
The questions spilled out of me without much thought, although Di Cesare didn’t seem to care much.
“That’s a question with a complicated answer,” Di Cesare replied.
“Uncomplicate it, then!”
“I’m an old soldier, same as you,” She said. “Maybe I know a little bit of magic… maybe I’m not entirely human anymore, but that’s what I am at my core.”
“Vampire…” I said quietly.
She didn’t answer, but there was a look in her eyes that told me I was right. At this point, after seeing what I’d just seen, I wasn’t in much of a state of mind to doubt it.
​
“So that trick with the bullet wounds… was that a vampire thing or a magic thing” I asked.
“Attribution spell,” She said. “Makes me harder to kill. Not a lot gets through it. I’ll tell you what. Give me your car keys, and I’ll answer any questions you have later.”
She extended a hand to me.
​
“I’m sorry, my car keys?” I asked, “Why?!”
“I need to follow the RV’s to make sure they make it out of the county safely. You said you’ve called in backup. You still need to be here for when they arrive. So… I’ll be borrowing your vehicle.”
I hesitated for a moment, before swearing under my breath and handing my keys off to her.
“Do what you’ve got to do…” I said under my breath.
​
She nodded.
“It’ll be returned to you when I’m done, no worse for wear.”
With that, she pushed past me and walked toward my car and all I could really do was just watch. She took my car, and sped off after the RV’s, leaving me in the road to clean up the mess.

This morning i've been very big emotions. My truth is in my family of origin.There was not healthy love. My father deeply loved my surrogant. She did everything possible to make all our lives miserable because of her own brokenness. The more I lean into this feeling , the more I realize how they robbed me of the opportunity of a healthy socialization.
In fact, in my entire life I have never wanted anything of a relationship like the one my surrogant had with my father and her future partners.Because they were all toxic and abusive most of the abuse being perpetrated by her.
Yes, I could also see how my father tried to give me a different perspective.In my childhood he would take me and her on a date every Sunday because he said it was important to take people out on dates.It was a way of showing love. My surrogant would always protest because she would rather be home watching tv. Which was parter of a larger dynamic of her disfunction because she never had anything nice to say about my father or me. Which I understand is also part of her brokenness.She can't be nice unless she can somehow manipulate the situation to get something she wants. I just can't heal. I feel so many emotions about how unfair this was.I mean she has ripped every piece of joy out of my entire existence because that's her brokenness she constantly needs to destroy everything because she likes everyone to be as miserable as she internally feels..
I've gone to a therapy to understand that she just reinforces misogyny and she's a believer that women shouldn't be valued, shouldn't be appreciated and has been a strong catalyst in my entire existence to make sure that nobody appreciated loved and valued me as an extension of her perpetual abuse of me even well in to my adult life.
It is because of her that I have no relationship with my extended family because she put everyone against me because I refused to have a relationship with her.
Thanks yo ACA and many therapist I set the boundary and I said I will no longer allow you to bring your brokenness into my life.And yet still I wake up every morning and go like.Wow I really hate her.
There was a time in my 15 year therapy journey where I really was trying to at least allow her to exist on the outskirts of my existence.And I am so saddened by myself because I don't think she even merited that.
The big emotion that's really resonating with me today is the way she consistently minimized my feelings and would often tell people that cause me harm not to worry about my feelings that I would eventually just forgive them on my own because she had that much power over my emotions,
That today I can recognize as insanity and part of her psychological abuse.
What i learned in ACA is if someone causes harm they ought to be expected to apologize and amend the harm yhey caused. Further more she has never had a right to interject into my relationship with other people. In fact, nobody has a right to interject in my relationship with other people. If I set a boundary, that's my boundary..
It's sad to look back on my entire existence and realize how her perpetual abuse and brokenness has caused me so much psychological damage. I've even in some conversations been able to recognize that my intimacy disorder and how that manifested in my adult life are directly correlated to her and how in her broken parenting style I didn't develop a healthy concept of love.
I feel proud that in my relationship with my own child.I never did that.My child always knew and always has known that I am here to hold space to love them through the hard parts.Love them through the fun parts and validate every single emotion they have.
all of the things I did not have in my childhood.
It's sad to think that her brokenness is so warped in reality that she assumed that she had a right to control my emotions my reactions and to determine on my behalf when I needed to let things go and when I need to experience different emotions because she said so, and it's like wow. That is beyond insanity.
She is pretty much in my mind nowadays equivalent to Hitler, forcing her will on everybody else, with no caring compassion about people's feelings. Although I kind of feel like that's an insult to hitler cause he wasn't that cruel..

Something that occurs to me from what I know so far about the field of digital migration studies is that when you look at the two main thrusts of the quote excerpt that I've posted in the group description, almost every human being who uses the internet is a digital migrant.
We all use the World Wide Web to position and situate ourselves as normal -- as local and as belonging -- with reference to the internal logics that we personally believe about the world. We use the Internet to exhibit and rationalize our own personal iterations of classic functions and indices of human behavior and identity. More than the couple hundred or so nations that exist in the world; more than the several ethnicities, tribal affiliations, extended families, chosen families, and other group movements that do not hold a formal seat on the United Nations assembly floor; the Internet is a place where everyone else (the observer) is "always already" invited to join a nation of one -- the best nation on earth, at the moment of posting and publication -- the nation ruled by the content creator's own internal logic.
Nuances of sex, gender, language, health status, and so on are inherent in the digital records that we choose to create and archive of ourselves.
The digital humanities are a new trend within society, highly relevant to the navigation and survival of life in the COVID and post-COVID era. And within that trend, digital migration studies is a powerful and potentially controversial way of redefining what it means to employ knowledge production tools to produce something of worth.
We kind of like, as human beings, to perform our digital migrations in silence. Wherever we are each going, the world-historical plane has so many invasive laws, norms, and boundaries that conventional migration. If conversation moves to the plane of also creating a legal structure to govern the way that we navigate our Internet-based migrations, I don't know that we as human beings have really demonstrated sufficient maturity to make someone feel confident that the scope of "rule-by-majority" legislation over freedom of movement on the Internet will be equitable and safe.

I'm currently in a streak of wanting to self harm, or just not be around anymore and it's caused by like the dumbest thing imaginable.
None of my partners have ever been physically attracted to me, they lie for a little while that they are and then they drop the act.
It's to the point that in the beginning of our relationship, I asked my current bf to go home and really think about if he was into me or not because I didn't want to get a few months in and be told he's not attracted to me again.
He promised that I was his type and he was attracted to me, a few months later he told me he wasn't attracted to me and had a crush on another woman we see almost everyday.
At this point I've given up, I'm only 22 but it's not possible that I'd just have 3 of the 3 men I've dated tell me the same thing in one way or another by chance.
To add, my appearance has never changed drastically in these relationships, I stay within 10lbs of my weight prior to the relationship and the only major change has been my hair color ( it's gone from blonde to black to brown and red for a while) but none of them have ever cited my hair as the problem.
But, I am fat and plain looking. I have a small ass and pretty bad love handles, the only positive feature I have are my boobs. I'm top heavy and muscular under the fat due to my work ( construction)
I've lost the weight before, got down from 200 to 120 and was still unattractive, I lost any definition I had besides slight muscle, I was still top heavy and would have needed extensive surgery to like how I looked.
I've always been bullied for my appearance by my family, and now my partners.
My current partner hurts the most, I have to go through everyday knowing he's not attracted to me, he's lied before and told me he is, but he's told me twice that he's not physically attracted to me and because of the conditions I was told in I believe the ladder statement.
I try so hard to be what he wants, but it's constantly changing, I've bought so much useless shit just to make him happy and then it changes.
I feel like it extends to other parts of our relationship too, we don't live together and usually just spend weekends together.
The last 2 days he's been more or less ignoring me, the first day he took literally the whole day to jerk off and ignored me, because he can't focus if we're talking the second day I think was the same.
It was our anniversary.
To be fair it wasn't a year or anything important just 10 months but it still hurt to have my messages ignored and my call only last 34 seconds.
That's not even to mention all I do that doesn't get reciprocated, I'm the one to make him go to work, he does doordash and won't usually work unless I'm there which just means we spend our weekends getting him paid.
I buy all of my own food and his 90% of the time, I clean everything because he refuses to, I cook everything because he doesn't know how to and refuses to learn.
I have to shower with him, because he won't by himself, I have to tell him not to argue with his parents, I have to make him pay his bills.
He does do something very important and I don't want to devalue it, I don't drive currently and he picks me up and drops me off when we go out to do what he wants on any particular day.
Which is a lot, but I pay for gas and never ask to go anywhere out of the way, I usually just walk wherever I want because it's never more than a few steps away from wherever he wanted to go.
I buy him small gifts alot and large ones pretty frequently, to which he's admitted he doesn't find as much value in what I give him as what he buys himself.
On the flip side him buying me anything is an extreme struggle, an example being for his birthday I spent $300 on all his gifts and we spent the day celebrating.
For my birthday I had to go half on my gift and we spent the day working and he bought me Taco Bell afterwards.
I just don't feel valuable in any way, I'm not attractive so I'm not valuable in that sense and pretty fucking obviously what I do isn't valuable either.
I used to beg the universe or God or whatever you want to call it to give me someone that loved me and now I'm realizing that it's not what I wanted.
I wanted someone who would love me and desire me, someone who didn't treat me like I'm their mother and they're a bratty child
Someone who would want me around for my presence, who wanted to touch me, to come to bed with me, to cuddle.
But that seems like too much to really ask for, so I think I should just settle for being loved and whatever way someone can love me, even if it's not what I view as love.
Just to add I don't really want to leave my boyfriend he and I have the same issues in a lot of ways and he understands me,
he doesn't get angry when I make random noises or say dumb things or make bad jokes,
he understands that I might have meltdowns and want to be alone, and he kind of understands what I need in those moments.
I can't lose that and be alone again.
I doubt anyone will read all of this, but I'm glad I got to rant about all the things I can't talk about.

Hi Reddit,I don’t even know where to begin.
It feels like my life is falling apart and I have no idea what to do, and I have no one I can talk to. Please excuse any typos, I’m pretty drunk right now.
I’ve (35 M) been married to my wife Jenny (34 F) for the last 10 years. We have two beautiful children, an amazing son and a little warrior princes. I was very happy. Was.
To skip to the end, my wife cheated on me. Again.
Jenny grew up in a very odd family. Think of a typical bogan family from Australia if they were somhow also super-spiro, ultra conservative christians. They were extremely clannish, and she grew up very sheltered. In particular they were very anti-medication for any mental illness, and boy was there mental illness in that family.
On the other hand, I’d being absolutely feral, attention seeking, poor decision prone dickhead growing up. I grew up in a very religious family but I was what one would call a black sheep.
Not long before we met, I had been living in a major city away from where I grew up… in a long term abusive relationship. She was manipulative, and prone to bursts of violence. At the end of it, I was actually still living with my ex, paying her rent, cooking of her, cleaning for her, while she was bringing other guys home. More of an unintentional one-sided open relationship. I was drinking myself to unconsciousness every night. Things got pretty dark.
I remember one night I was wondering about painless alternatives to life. It got really bad. Then for some reason I remembered the preaching in my child hood church and I asked God, if you’re real, I need help. It felt like a massive hug enveloped me. I cried and cried and became a christian that night. I started going to church (for real this time), I prayed and that gave me the strength to reach out to an old friend, and move back to where I grew up.
It was at that church that I met Jenny. I had sworn off dating. I was not even remotely interested in dating. I’d also promised myself that I wouldn’t passionately hug unless I was married.
I’m aware that this is already developin into an essay, so I’ll skip the details but after becoming friends we just grew to love each other. She pursued me. I even said no because I was still hurting but she just kept loving me and encouraging me and pursing me.
Please don’t misunderstand, Jenny was a virgin. When I say pursue, I don’t mean dirty talk and throwing herself at me. It was genuine and caring and loving. It was deep and I had never experienced anything like that. I had never known that a woman like her existed, yet alone wants to be with me.
We got engaged one year later, and married the year after. It was amazing, and I could not have been happier. The Woman of my dreams and my best friend wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
Then the first problems started. Because of the way she had grown up in her family… absence only had been stamped into her psyche and she had some deep fears around making love. It was all heavy breathing and great foreplay but when we got to the business end of things, she couldn’t do it. I loved her so I told her it wasn’t a big deal. Every other part of our life was amazing, and I’d had enough crazy-monkey time in the past that I was happy to wait.
Two years later, we still hadn’t done it. I suggested counseling, talking to the women’s pastor, talking to family. During this time I read The Five Love Languages book and I was determined to be the best husband ever. I did all five, every chance I could. I planned for it. She just kept losing it and saying that she wasn’t a real woman, spiraling lower and lower. I kept encouraging her and telling her I love her no matter what. I later found out that her mother, who, she was very close with before she past away, had told her that since we hadn’t consummated the marriage that as far as God was concerned we weren’t really married. Can you believe that bollocks?
Her mental health was just getting worse and worse and so I encouragedd her to go out with her friends and get her mid off things. And she did… a lot. It started slowly but then she started going out every weekend. So what? I’d partied enough for a lifetime, how can I begrudge her getting pissed with her friends, yeah?
Then she cheated on me. First, I didn’t even know about it. She just started being closed off, and mean, and so out of character. I kept asking what was wrong, but she would say the infamous “nothing” or “I’m fine” or you’re what’s wrong because of something I did or didn’t do. I thought it was just her still struggling so I doubled down on the love and attention. Finally she broke and told me that she had gotten drunk and been unfaithful. I was fucking crushed. I was devastated. She asked me if I was going to leave but I told her I had made a vow for better or worse.
I won’t pretend it wasn’t bad. Again, I don’t want to extend this essay, but there were some massive struggles, fights. We finally got some marriage counselling and, slowly things got better. We built trust again. One of the things that came up in counselling was that trust was a choice. So I chose her. I chose to trust her each and every day. Our love became deeper and better than ever.
We spent three years living in domestic felicity when we decided to try for children. Jenny was also worried that if we didn’t try soon, we’d have trouble. So we had 2 kids under 2. A pigeon pair. We were so happy. Anyone who has had kids knows how amazing and yet how tough this can be. If you haven’t had kids… you have no idea.
My kids are now 4 and 6, and over the last six months, Jenny’s started struggling again. Really manic highs and dreadful lows. I’ve often encouraged her to see a therapist or psychologist because she often has erratic behaviour. She has our whole marriage. She gets massive manic highs, and crashes with periods of depression. But we get through it. I’m not a medical professional in any way so I’m not going to try and diagnose her, but I’m diagnosed on the autism spectrum and so I had lots of exposure to psychologists when I was younger and as a teen I had a fascination with psychology. I can see lot’s of indicators that make me think shoe could benefit with professional client centred assistance. But again, because of her family she thinks that any suggested to get help is me calling her crazy.
To meet the bills, I’m working around 60+hours per week but every spare moment I have I spend with the kids of with her. All of my friends have drifted away over the past five years but why should I care? I had the woman of my dream right? I have the two most phenomenal kids in the world right now, what could be more important than that? I have less time with them so I try to show all five love languages to all of them, save for quality time as I have so little time to spare. I never want any of them to doubt that they are loved beyond measure. I mean, between the kids and work, Jenny and I had very little time together (and when we did have time together one or both of us we always tired) and our matrimonial polka had become at best monthly. This is a normal thing that families go through, it’s just a season and we’ll get through it right?
I feel like a fucking moron.
Jenny started hanging out with her family more and more. She’d go out partying with her sister, or her cousin, or some church friends. They’re family so it’s ok I thought. The people she’s going out with are Christians so it’s ok I thought. I even encouraged it. She was low more often and no matter what I tried I couldn’t get her out of her funk. But when she spent time with her family or friends she seemed to come home refreshed! I can’t be her everything, so whenever she wanted I took the kids so she could fill her social battery and get that need met. I am most defiantly not a people person, and with young kids and no one that wife trust to watch them but us, it seemed like finally I could help her.
…and then she started acting closed off…and mean… so out of character…
Our bedroom hot yoga also became completely non-existent.
I saw the signs, so I confronted her. Yeah, she did it again. With two different men. One guy when she was high. Another when she was stone-cold sober but she “felt like she was free of her life.” (Not a direct quote, but a paraphrase.)
I have no one I can talk to. I know my family and if my mum found out she’d burn everything down. I have barely spoken to my friends in 5 years, so how do I say “hey, I know we haven’t spoken in ages but her is a giant pile of shit for you to wade though!”
I don’t believe in divorce. God said that marriage is for life. But… I’ve been praying and I’m getting nothing. No big rush of love and peace. No calm assurance. Nothing.
I feel like I’m back in my previous life I had left all those years ago: giving my everything to someone who gives very little back and cheats. Almost nothing back if I’m honest. She’s not violent like my ex was, but I’m starting to see that she might be just as manipulative and deceptive.
With her mental health the way it is I don’t even care too much that she cheated! I care that she was gaslighting me and lying to me and giving half truths! At first when I kept pushing she told me that something almost happened, but she got out of there. So I told her that I understood and I think she needs therapy or we need some marriage counselling again. Then she got worse. So I kept asking. Then the story changed. Then she got worse. Now she said she’s told me everything but I just don’t fucking know!
And worst still is that I feel like a complete failure. I have given her all I have the power to give.. and that’s not enough.
I’m completely crushed. So whilst Jenny is out with friend, I’m three-quarters of a bottle of Bundaberg deep writing this.
I now trust is choice. But I’m just so fucking tired.

Maybe Johnny kept her around for himself and told the rest of the family that he killed her, and his lines about her being dead was just him carrying on the ruse. I don’t think there’s much reason as to why the other family members would keep someone alive for an extended period of time.
Petals at least doesn’t show her being killed, maybe he called Bubba off and said he’d finish her himself. (Although even then I found its canon status dubious.)

My long term partner of 8 years and I have arrived in Spain. We are both 25. I have an Irish passport (EU citizen) and we both have New Zealand passports (meaning he can stay 90 days visa free). We are trying to live and work in Spain and obtain my partner the rights to work here by means of a family member of an EU citizen based on our long term stable relationship status.
The process is very confusing, however, we do not want to spend our funds on hiring a lawyer or advocate.
We have 1 month booked in an airbnb with my family (edit: my extended family are paying for this which is why it is affordable, it would not be for us, we are couch surfing!) and are hoping to sort out the process in this time.
From my understanding, I am required to first register as an EU citizen of Spain. Then I need an NIE number in order to work here. We have been to the local police station but they sent us away to fill out forms online.
Can anyone clarify: once I have my NIE number, can my partner obtain his ‘permit’ of sorts as a partner of an EU citizen in Spain to also work and live here visa free with me? Or do I need to have a job contract first?
We both have travel/health insurance for the year and jointly about 25,000 euros savings between us. Back home, I am a lawyer and he is an engineer, but we don’t want to work in those fields here.
Any info or clarification would help.

Does anyone else here struggle with unsupportive family? For context, I’m recently divorced (34 f) from an abusive ex husband who still lives nearby and I have to have a tiny bit of contact with him. Some days I’m okay, but on other days, like days when I have to have contact with him, I feel so, so low. I’ve noticed that when I turn to my immediate family, my mom and sister have really judgmental, shaming reactions that I can no longer ignore, but I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve been working hard to go out, meet people, attend events, break out of isolation, attend therapy, and create a range of supports so I’m not over-relying on anyone too much. I don’t think certain people understand that divorce is like a death; they treat it like a sad breakup that I should be over by now (it’s been less than a year, and the end was really sudden). I’m pretty self aware but this doesn’t mean I am in full control when my mental health takes a dip. I guess I’m wondering if I need to try to accept that my mom and sister just can’t be trusted or counted on when I most need support. There’s grief in that too. Has anyone else dealt with this?
For example, I would say that my mental health is pretty fragile right now, and no grace or understanding is extended toward me by anyone but my dad. A few months ago, I was having thoughts of self-harm and tried to talk with my mom and sister about feeling low. My sister then bitterly said that she’s struggling too but not as visibly. She made some horrible remarks about how she’d “never tell me her problems,” straight up blamed me for my parents beating the sh*t out of me when I was a kid, and so forth. She then called 911 on me—not out of concern, but as this weird “well you asked for help so here you go” thing that ended up being very traumatizing.
My mom also has some sort of empathy issue where she identifies very strongly with my sister’s personality, and aligns mine with my dad’s. Lots of projection going on. When I told her I was having feelings of hopelessness, she scoffed and said, “you don’t sound hopeless, you sound angry! I’m going to bed.” Then hung up. It seems that if I sound “angry” (not that they bother to confirm), they feel justified in just like leaving me to deal with everything alone. They have no qualms telling me I’m a burden, too, which is why I never turned to them when I was married and dealing with abuse.
I don’t want to view myself as a victim. I’m strong but I do need social support and I feel so alienated. It feels like if things do get to a point where my life is in danger, my mom and sister’s reactions could actually push me over the edge. I’m glad I have been able to cope so far, but I worry about the future. Does anyone else have family members who just like, don’t get it? How do you cope? My therapist offered to speak with them about how to be more supportive, but I fear that this would make things worse. I’ve never felt more alone.

I was raped on a carnival cruise trip
I’m a social media influencer and I’ve seen so many people share their stories of their SA experiences and I am so terrified of sharing mine because I don’t want me family and friends to go crazy because of it. I never reported what happened so talking about makes me feel better. This is my story when I was on a carnival cruise trip. It was the last night of the boat. I always blamed myself because I should have fought them both. But I’m extremely small framed, short and these guys were way bigger than me. I was in the club Got a text being invited to chill in room Thought it was a friend (I gave out my # to a ton of people so I was curious) Let everyone know I was leaving Said I would meet my other friend in exactly 30 minutes in his room Headed to the room and saw a guy leave the room I had to go to Knocked no answer Knocked again the door opened I walked in and saw a guy on one bed so I sat on the other bed They asked me wassup and what I want I said what did they want cuz they invited me They laughed We bantered back and forth about their tv being messed up They asked what I was doing I said they interrupted my last night with everyone in the club and I needed to say goodbye They asked what I do in the club and about me singing They said they saw me dancing and I was fine af I asked when did I give them my number because I didn’t remember them and I only gave my number to a guy who wasn’t them And he said I gave it to him at the club I brushed it off and he asked for a hug and said that I was distant. I said I didn’t wanna get up and so he came to me and said get up I stood up and he gave me a hug and then he said I touched his but when in reality my hands was by his head and his hands almost touched mine We laughed it off and I said I was gonna beat his ass and he said I can try but I wouldn’t succeed They then asked me about my virginity and my sexual past and about if they were cute and I didn’t answer the cute all I said was I had been with a lot of people but then I said I was a virgin and they caught me contradicting myself Then I said I don’t know much about them and one said he was 17 and the other said he 18 and they both from Chicago and they are friends. Neither of them looked their age I kept making jokes about the younger one age and the older one said that I need to stop so I did The alleged 17 year old asked if I could give him a lap dance and I laughed at him and they both asked if I could twerk and I said no and they said I was lying because they saw me in the club I asked him the story again about how we met because I didn’t remember and he said I was drunk (I didn’t drink but once and I threw up so I never got drunk) I brushed it off once again despite the face that I felt weird. The older one began to lick his lips at me and I told him don’t do that And he said why and I said because he can’t look at me like that and he said I was fine Then they asked me to put on music I would dance 2 and I said no I’m not dancing and I told them they should since they asking me and they said no because they can’t and I said then I can’t if they can’t They said why and said again they saw me in the club and I said this ain’t the club and they made a joke flickering the light I asked them what’s their favorite music and they said random shit idk and we all agreed we liked booty but I didn’t wanna play it I was texting my friend I was supposed to meet and kept extending the time because they was pulling the feelings card. Then my friend thought I didn’t wanna fw him and I was texting him that wasn’t the case and he was ok with it and said he was gonna wait for me in the room He (the older guy) took my phone and said he wants to pick a different song and I said ok and then he played booty I took my phone back and sat back on the other bed and sat my phone back down on the bed and the younger one commented on me sitting on the other side and the younger one asked if he could lay with my cuz that’s his bed and I said no so the older one took my covers (I was freezing) and I got up and took it back. And they said since u over here u might as well stay. I sat there for a sec in silence then asked for my phone and key card from the other bed and he got it (the older one) and he came back and said he would give me a massage and I could go because I said I was hella tired and needed to meet my friend So he starts giving me a massage and then the other one starts massaging my vagina and it felt super good and I asked them to stop because I could feel myself getting turned on and I didn’t wanna do it l/because I had to meet my friend and I didn’t wanna do 2 guys One said who said anything about doing us 2 and Then they went harder and I asked the time and the older one lied to me so I could stay longer. I reached for my phone and it said a way other Time than he said and I said I had to go and they went harder and one went for my shirt and I moved his hand and the older one didn’t stop so I turned over to get up and he pulled down my skirt and massaged my ass and the other one was blocking my way to leave and I said I had to go and pulled up my skirt and at this point one was under me and the other was behind me and when I sat up the older one started thrusting from behind and I said what are u doing and the younger one was pulling down my top and I pulled it back up saying stop and I heard a noise behind me from the other guy but I was 2 busy dealing with the younger one so I didn’t trip because it sounded like he left to get a plastic bag or was opening something (come to find out it was a condom) and when I tried to leave grabbed me from behind and shoved his penis inside me and thrusted very roughly. And I started to try to scream but I didn’t have a voice so I tried to make a noise loud enough to draw attention but the younger one covered my mouth while the older one held my arm down and raped me The younger on scooted back and aligned his dick with my mouth and I said I don’t want too and he thrusted up and choked me with his penis and thrusted fast and I couldn’t breathe. The older one asked if I wanted him to stop and all I could say was it hurts, ur hurting me. Please st—-and the other one shoved his dick in my mouth before I could ever say stop and all I could do is cry and try to make noise and if I tried to get loud he went deeper. I gagged constantly and was still being raped from behind without mercy. They laughed whenever I tried to run and continued the same cycle. I could only get so far. And the older one continued to ask if I wanted him to stop and when I finally got the chance I said YES and he went harder and faster. He said what’s my name, call me daddy and I couldn’t talk all I could do was try to make enough noise to draw attention but it didn’t work. He was pulling my hair while doing this. The older one asked me did I like it and I said no and so he said u know u like this. It feels good. They did it till my body went numb and then limp. Once they were done all I could do was sit there. I layed there. they asked if I was ok and asked if I was gonna say if it was rape. I said no thinking they would let me go and afraid that if I said yes they would hurt me and also so I could tell my friend what happened and get help. and just when I thought it was over and I was free the younger one dragged me back on the bed further And they switched and the younger one was more rough when he was behind. He didn’t asked or say anything he just kept going harder and harder. The older one tried to put his penis in my mouth standing up and I accidentally bit his penis and he said NO TEETH and I wouldn’t listen so he said to the younger one he would be back and he was gonna get his cousin. He went a little longer and then another guy walked in which happened to be the first guy who left the room. The cousin used the bathroom and then came out and I asked for my clothes and the 17 year old said the cousin didn’t care and left the room. The cousin watched me get dressed and stared me down like I was a piece of meat. He asked was I crying and I said no and that I couldn’t find my stuff. He asked me to stay longer I asked why and he said just because he wanted to chill and I said I gotta meet someone and he started touching himself So I left out the room and ran then I ran into the friend I had to meet and I cried in his arms. I don’t know anything about these guys. I think they changed their number. All I remember is one guys face and that they were from Chicago. One guys name was Omarion. To this day I wish I could find the cousin so I could ask him if they admitted what they did to me to him. Or if he snitched on them or even felt something was off. I always felt like I should have fought harder and maybe it wouldn’t have happened but there is a part of me that felt like if I would have fought then they would have beat me or forcibly retrained me and raped me. It has been over five years since it happened and I still think about what happened everyday. Random scenarios on how the situation could have played out different consistently go through my mind and it makes me feel sick that I even think about it 24/7. I even get random scenarios in my head everyday of random men forcing themselves on me and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.