This is long and confusing, so I will try my best to keep things chronological and concise. I think I need to tell someone my story, because I hope it will help someone somehow. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will help a stranger. Maybe it will die in the history of the internet and live on after I am gone. If anything, I have this saved on my computer so maybe if I am struck down with dementia someone can read this to me a la The Notebook (I think that was the plot…I don’t remember). This is assuming I make it to old age and want to remember my personal journey. I don’t know. If you get through this post and want to comment, okay. But if your comment is ‘go tell this to a therapist’, know that your concern is truly appreciated and think of this as me practicing what to say and how to say it.
This is not a “woe is me” story. I am realistic enough to look back and think I had somethings good, but I am also honest enough with myself to know I have seen some crazy shit.
NOTE: My memory of the following has a lot of holes, but I think I have most of the ages/years down, well enough. Hopefully you, the reader, can follow along well enough.
FOR REFERENCE:

• My mom’s children from oldest to youngest: sister #1, brother #1, ME, brother #2 (eight years later would come sister #2 and brother #3)
• My grandma’s children from oldest to youngest: uncle, aunt, MY MOM
• Ruth: my best friend, the youngest of 3 kids (had two older brothers)

BACKSTORY: FIRST MEMORIES TO JUNIOR HIGH
I grew up poor, in a sense. We grew up in a rural “city” notorious for violence (drugs, prostitution, murders, etc.). My mom was a young, single parent and was a stripper up until I was 4yo (obviously I did not know that is what she was doing for work; I just knew she wasn’t home some nights and we would stay with my grandmother). I remember living with a constant fear that she would die. I had three siblings (an older sister, an older brother, and a younger brother—the older brother lived with his father most of the time).
Just before I turned four, my mom was arrested and I lived with my grandmother (maternal, obviously) for about four years, along with my older sister and younger brother. To this day it is still unclear why my mom was arrested, but I have 90% of the story. My mom’s older brother killed a man. (There is no disputing this; he called his mom [my grandma] and my mom and they met him after the murder.) Some people in the family said that my mom drove the victim’s car, hid it, and burned it; some people say my mom burned the getaway car my uncle drove. My mom said she refused to testify in court. (About what? I don’t know. No one in my family likes to talk about it.) Regardless, my mom was sentenced to eight years in prison (she would only serve 3 or 4 years), so I, along with my older sister and younger brother, would live with my grandma and step-grandfather (who was ~15 years younger than my grandma). My grandma would not take us to visit our mother until two years into her sentence. (My mom said that my grandma wanted her to confess to the murder because ‘a woman with children would get a lighter sentence’ and that my grandma ‘did not want to lose her only son’. I don’t know if this is true, but my grandmother wasted every last dime trying to get her son out, which would never happen.) My grandma’s house was a dilapidated trailer: there was no AC/heating, there were holes in the floor covered with plywood, and the walls in the shower were covered in duct tape. I was too little to be embarrassed by the squalor we lived in, but when I think back on it now, I understand why I never had friends over. (Our town was small, and my friends’ parents probably wouldn’t feel comfortable sending their children over, understandably.)
Despite everything, I had a happy few years there. I LOVED my grandma and grandpa, and being so young, I eventually forgot about my mom. My grandma read cheap paperbacks all the time, so I got into reading. We didn’t have money for books and at the time my county didn’t even have a bookstore, but I would save the fifty cents I got for snack money everyday and order books from the paper Scholastic magazines I got from school. (I didn’t even know to be embarrassed handing the teacher my order form and paying for $13 of books with a plastic bag of nickels and dimes.) To this day, I think reading saved my life. It gave me a world to escape into.
My grandma had a dark past. She was from a different state and one of five kids. (Two brothers died in a house fire when they were kids, one sister was hit and killed by a car as a teenager, and the other sister was sent to live in a mental institution as a teenager.) My grandma refused to talk about her family, and I had never met them. (All this information would come to light years after her death, and I would eventually meet her “crazy” sister once—I was nine and she came to my grandma’s house and showed me a dead baby bird she had in a coin wallet she kept in her purse, and I believe she is dead now.) My grandma was an alcoholic and homewrecker, by all accounts, and would disappear for months, sometimes years at a time, while her own children were growing up.. She had three children and the father of those children is debatable. My uncle (the one who killed a guy) would rape his sisters (this is confirmed), and when my grandma found out she sent him to a boy’s facility (think juvie). It has been hinted that after this my grandma would pimp out her preteen daughter at bars to older men (this is my aunt—-the middle child—who was pretty distant, understandably, in my younger years).
~~~~~~~~~~~Writing interrupted. My mom just called me to see what I was doing. I lied and said I was working on my book (isn’t this Reddit post a book, though? Where’s the lie?) in a ‘not now’ manner, and she quickly got off the phone. I refuse to tell her happy Mother’s Day. Now let’s get back to the story.
This backstory of my grandma’s was obviously unknown to me as a child. I had seen her drink twice in my years with her. I thought she was fucking Mother Theresa. She took us (her grandkids) to a Pentecostal church faithfully and had a seemingly good relationship with the ‘brothers and sisters’ of the church. I hated church as a kid and am the only one to have never been baptized. My grandma, however, was not Pentecostal. She wore pants, cussed, all that jazz, and she never enforced the religion on us. But we had to go to church, and if I spent the entire sermon reading a Junie B. Jones book, she would not correct me. She asked us if we wanted to be baptized and when I said ‘no’ it was no big deal. (To this day, I am not sure why we went to church. I think she wants a spiritual relationship with God and some type of exposure to the atmosphere for us. But sometimes we would go five times a week and I hated it.)
When I was about 7yo I started to feel ‘embarrassed’ about my home life. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, but no one wanted to play with me. I wasn’t the ‘stinky kid’ and I wasn’t the ‘weird kid’, but I was definitely the ‘smart kid’ and I still think that it alienated me. I had one friend, who I had made in Pre-K, but she even seemed to be gravitating towards the ‘popular crowd’. (Cliques start young, huh?) Luckily, when I was 8yo a new girl came to my school. She had been home-schooled and came from a Pentecostal family but had moved to town and was living with her mom and two brothers while her parents went through a nasty divorce (that would drag out for eight years.) Let’s call her ‘Ruth’. At the time, my only friend started hanging out with Ruth at recess. I was jealous that I was left alone and hate Ruth whole-heartedly. Ruth, as it turned out, was jealous of me and hated me too. Needless to say, after two months of mean-mugging each other we became the best of friends. If reading saved my life, Ruth was this reason I was alive in the first place.
INTERMISSION: ABOUT RUTH
Thinking back on it now, Ruth was the first love of my life. Her father was an extremely wealthy businessman who lived in a big city two hours away from our town (I would only meet him three times). Her mother was a teacher who was renting a house in our town and although there were financial struggles throughout the divorce, Ruth’s mom was solidly middle-class. (I remember going to her house for the first time, complete with a ‘breakfast room’, four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a pool, a ‘dining room’ lined with encyclopedias, they had a COMPUTER with INTERNET, she even had a horse!—It was all so fancy for my hick brain.) Ruth could also say words like ‘slut’ and ‘ho’ and ‘freak (in place of FUCK)’, which were cuss words at my house. Her mom would just always say “Ruth MIDDLE-NAME, I rebuke that in the name of Jesus” and Ruth would laugh it off.
Needless to say, Ruth’s house was the tits and I would ride the school bus home with her every Friday afternoon and stay until her mom dropped me off after Sunday morning service. But Ruth definitely lacked a lot of things.
Ruth’s mom was weird. She was an ‘older mom’ and had a nice house that was never clean and she never cooked. Her kids lived off take-out, frozen pizzas, and TV dinners—-which was cool as hell to 8yo me. She was not there much, spending most of her time at Women’s Church Conferences or working. Her mother was a religious-nut. I say that with caution because she is a lovely and important figure in my life, but I would wake up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and her mother would always be convulsing on the living room floor, speaking in tongues, praying. This was typical behavior. I think her mom let me hang out with her because I, too, ‘grew up Pentecostal’....but we know that’s not really the case, huh? Obviously two 8yo girls don’t sit around and talk about God all day. Ruth believed in her faith, but she NEVER asked if I believed in it or tried to convert me. We were happy and accepting of one another.
Ruth had two older brothers, one who was ~6 years older and another that was ~3 years older. The oldest was mean, and Ruth and him fought like cats and dogs. And I am talking they would draw blood. Ruth’s oldest brother definitely gave off I-am-going-to-be-atheist-to-piss-off-my-mom and brooding-dark-may-grow-up-to-be-a-criminal-vibes. His mom constantly said he was possessed by a demon and needed to turn to God. I remember that, although I was not scared of him, he seemed uncomfortable around me from the beginning. He did not speak with me much and spent most of his time in his room playing video games. He was obsessed with guns and knives and the back of his bedroom door was obliterated from him getting angry and taking it out on the door with his knives. It was strange because his mom kept trophies from his younger years for all the statewide Bible Competitions he won. (He knew the bible better than anyone I have ever met.) It was all a big red flag, looking back. But, for the most part, when I was around he disappeared. He was in high school when I first started coming around and would move out in a couple of years. The other brother, the middle child who I will call ‘David’, was awesome. He spent most of his time building computers in his room, but would smile and say hi to me in the hall when I was over. He had a Mitch Hedberg sense of humor. He wasn’t super attractive, but he was cute and all the girls at church thought so too. (My grandma did not go to their church, but I attended Sunday morning service with Ruth thousands of times and knew their youth group pretty well.) In high school, he would have a lucrative side-hustle fixing people’s computers, iPods, and smartphones and would buy Ruth and I candy and snacks all the time. Remember, we are talking 2002-2010 era, and he had the ‘emo’ hair, skateboarded, and was a nerdy-comedian type who could build computers—he had it going on. He was my first childhood crush, but he definitely saw Ruth and I as adoring and annoying little sisters.
Ruth herself was not very interested when it came to schoolwork. She definitely was not the homeschool-child-prodigy stereotype. But she knew how to play multiple musical instruments and was an insanely talented artist. Over the course of our friendship I developed a love for art and music—she made me into a creative person when I had always been a very analytical person. (Today, I am a fairly skilled artist and I play guitar.) But I had an effect on her too. I was a very clean person and cleaning had always been a coping mechanism for me. (My grandma always said ‘Being poor is no excuse for being dirty’.) In the early days I would go to Ruth’s messy house and I would convince her we should clean her room ‘for fun’. I didn’t like messy places, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I would explain to her that cleaning was something I liked. I got her hooked on cleaning, because we would end up detailing the disgusting kitchen ‘for fun’ every weekend and she started keeping her room in meticulous order, although the rest of her family lived like slobs. (And yes, dear reader, cleaning and joking around with her are some of my favorite memories. I remember detailing the inside of the kitchen fridge with her in vivid memory.) I also got her hooked on reading and interested in schoolwork. Needless to say, she gave me the confidence to be more creative and I taught her how to put a little bit more structure in her artsy-chaotic world. I was feeling true happiness.
~~~~~Writing NOTE: There are some events/details in here which bleed into the next section but seemed best placed here. The next section will pick up when I am 8/9yo and my mom is released from prison.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
The Gospel
John 17:6–19
6I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.
7Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee.
8For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.
9I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.
10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
11And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are.
12While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled.
13And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.
14I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
15I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil.
16They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.
17Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.
18 As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.
19And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
Commentary on Today’s Gospel Selection:
Today’s text, is a very poignant prayer made by Jesus shortly before his arrest and persecution, culminating with his death on the cross. I suggest that this is a poignant prayer, one that arouses deep emotion, because of the implications of verse nine.
“I pray for them: I pray not for the world , but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.” (v. 9) This is a very interesting passage, Jesus is openly saying that he IS NOT praying for the entirety of humanity, but only for those God, his Father, has given him. At face value, it seems to contradict his words to Nicodemus in John 3:16; “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” However the answer to this presumably paradoxical position is found in the words of John 3:16, “whosoever believeth.” He is not praying for those openly hostile to his teachings and those of his Father’s, but rather he is praying for those who have accepted the calling from God to believe in him.
Just as God chose the Israelites out of all the people of the world as his own, he now chooses all humanity, he so loved the world, he so loved humanity that he gave his only Son so that those who make the decision to believe in him and his teachings, those who make an effort to live in the light of his teachings, will be saved and not perish, but have eternal life.
Some have suggested that those hostile to Jesus’ teachings, those who openly choose to deny him, are guilty of the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to blaspheme against the Spirit. But to openly deny the existence of God or the life and resurrection of Christ, is this not also akin to blaspheming against the Spirit?
Therefore we can at least surmise that, Jesus is not praying for those openly hostile to him, God his Father, or even his disciples and devout Christians; but rather those who are receptive, who hear the word of God and cling to it.
“What strikes one… most in our Lord’s prayer is not even (Jesus’) moving loyalty to his friends, …but rather his unmistakable pride in them” (Gossip, 746).
It seems astonishing that Jesus would claim to be glorified in these disciples. They are a small and ordinary group of people who exhibit no unusual intelligence or talent. They seem unable to learn from the numerous clues that Jesus gives them concerning his future. No matter what Jesus says, they just don’t get it. How can Jesus claim to have been glorified in them?
Keep in mind that this Gospel was written quite late, probably after most of Jesus’ original disciples had died. The author has seen that, somehow, through the grace of God and the work of the Spirit, Jesus has indeed been glorified by these disciples. The church is growing and spreading. However imperfect these disciples might have been, they have succeeded in glorifying the Lord. In fact, when Jesus says that he has been glorified in them, he uses the perfect tense, suggesting an already completed glorification, showing full confidence that they have glorified him and will glorify him.
At the time when he made this prayer, Jesus has been the disciples’ protector, and gives his Father an account of his stewardship (v. 12). Now he is preparing to depart, so he asks the Father to assume the role of protector to these disciples who are in the kosmos (world) but not of the kosmos—those who belong to the Father but, but will continue to dwell in a hostile world.
In modern times, various ecumenical movements have worked to bring denominations together organizationally, their efforts reflecting concerns both for this petition of Jesus and for the church’s witness. The unity for which Jesus is praying, however, is deeper—a unity of heart and purpose. Denominational unity is only a first step. We must be equally concerned about disunity within denominations—within congregations—among individual Christians.
This is a prayer that, in many respects, has not been answered. The church has fragmented into many denominations and factions. Christians have spent too much time fighting one another.
And yet, in some respects, Jesus prayer has been answered. Christians work together across denominational lines in many ways—from sponsoring community worship services to financing relief efforts. There have been a number of efforts to bring together denominations, either in formal mergers or through shared initiatives and mutual recognition of clergy. It is not enough, but it is a beginning.
“And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” (v. 13) Some might believe that Jesus is implying here, that by following his teachings his followers will feel his pride in them, so to speak, but they would be wrong. Here Jesus is referring to that joy one feels from being creative and productive in service God and others. The joy of being in a correct relationship with God, the joy of knowing your feet are planted on a firm foundation—the rock Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:24—the joy of knowing and serving truth; these are the joys he is speaking of in this prayer.
Jesus has given the disciples God’s word—God’s logos—and that word has made them different. These logos-people do not belong to the kosmos-world—the world that is opposed to God. Their new identity, their separateness, draws the world’s ire.
The kosmos-world is suspicious—afraid of those who have rejected its ways. Kosmos-people feel insecure except in the company of other kosmos-people—those who accept their values and seek the same pleasures. We see that with drug-addicts, who cannot abide the addict who has quit using drugs. We see it in the criminal world that cannot abide the person who has “gone straight.” Kosmos-people know that the person who no longer belongs to them is especially dangerous, because that person knows their secrets but no longer shares their loyalties.
We see something similar in the shadowy world of enterprises (legal or illegal) that profit from people’s weaknesses—manufacturers of cigarettes or alcohol, people who run casinos and bars, pimps, sellers of pornography and the like. Kosmos-people move among a small circle of colleagues and see the rest of the world as their enemy. They hate anyone who opposes them, whether overtly or by wholesome example, and respond viciously to any perceived threat to their kosmos-enterprise.
We see it in the movies, where Christians are seldom portrayed in a favorable light—and in the news media, which seldom reports anything good about the church but delights in clergy-gone-awry stories.
Jesus has not overstated the case at all when he says that the kosmos “hated” the disciples “because they are not of the kosmos.” That hatred is fueled by guilt, fear of exposure, and fierce resistance to change.
The mission Jesus assigned to the disciples, has not changed but this torch is passed on from one generation to another, even to us. It is a mission to carry on Christ’s work in the kosmos-world. As Christians—the followers of Christ—we are to work in a world to which we no longer belong and in which we no longer feel wholly comfortable. The old gospel song comes to mind: “This world is not my home; I’m just a-passing through.” The poetry might be less than wonderful, but the sentiment is correct.
Jesus does pray that God will “keep them from the evil” (v. 15). Jesus prays not that the Father will give the disciples of that day or us for that mater, pain-free lives, but that he will protect us from succumbing to the evil one.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” (v. 16-17). The disciples are flawed people—just as we are— people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future. Nevertheless, as disciples, we have become different, because Jesus has given us the Father’s word.
This passage is a good one to keep in mind when you read or hear the incessant rants of those modern day counterparts of those who were hostile to Jesus, in his time on Earth. Like the disciples of two millennia ago we, modern day disciples, are flawed people who have failed Jesus in the past and who will fail him again in the future, but we have been given the Word, the Logos, of God and we are making an effort to—as he told the woman in John 8:11—“go and sin no more.”
Modern day Pharisees, those choosing to live and believe in their own self-righteousness, who like the Pharisees of old twist the scripture to justify their own ends by conflating Jesus’ teachings of brotherly love and compassion with not just tolerance of sin, but acceptance of abominable sins, twist scriptures so as to guilt the unwary Christian—tearing down his defenses—in an attempt to get these unwary Christians to succumb to the snares of the evil one. These modern day Pharisees try to convince you that you are not to help a sinner out of the proverbial gutter, but to wallow in the gutter with him.
“Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” Jesus said whoever commits a sin is the servant of sin. When we learn the truth, the Word of God and what it means, we choose to be a holy people and choose to sin no more, we are sanctified in the Holy Word of God. Remember Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” You will no longer be a slave to sin.
Jesus is not of this world, but emptied himself so that he might take on human form and live in the kosmos-world on a mission of mercy and salvation (Philippians 2:5-11). At the time of this prayer, he was preparing the disciples to continue this incarnational ministry in a world that will often require them to take up their crosses to follow Jesus.
Likewise, in a world that was already hostile to Jesus—but growing exponentially more hostile to Christians each day—we are often found having to “pick up our own cross” to follow Jesus.
“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.” Jesus is saying he is making himself Holy, sanctifying himself for service to God so that we may be made Holy by the grace of God—set apart for a Godly purpose—”sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ”
As Jesus’ prayer works with the dynamic of ‘the world’, this passage certainly reflects the heightened tension of his farewell to his disciples. Its main elements, which constitute Jesus’ pleas on behalf of his disciples, include what it will take for them to continue functioning as disciples after he leaves them, the same elements that are necessary for us to function as Disciples even today.
Benediction:
Almighty Father, whose blessed Son before his passion prayed for his disciples that they might be one, as you and he are one: Grant that your Church, being bound together in love and obedience to you, may be united in one body by the one Spirit, that the world may believe in him whom you have sent, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

I am 110% Fiona to the point I feel like the producers have stalked my life and I've never met more of a real life Fiona or real life Shameless family in my life (at least not yet!)
I had to take care of my seven younger siblings (I was the oldest of 8) from the time I was six years old. My mom was severely bipolar and dad was extremely physically abusive (for example throwing us down stairways, kicking pregnant mom in the stomach, giving us black eyes and broken bones, punching and kicking us with full force on a daily basis for little to no reason etc) and then abandoned the family a few years ago.
Our family dynamics were so complex there's no way I could explain it all here in a few paragraphs, but Shameless is the only show I've EVER seen in my life that even remotely relates to the amount of chaos my family went through/still goes through on a daily basis.
I missed out on so much because I decided to put everyone before myself. It caused a lot of resentment, and younger siblings started to take advantage of me. And then started disrespecting the fck out of me and expecting things and acting totally entitled to my time, money, energy, etc, while I was completely suffering and no one noticed or cared. It got so bad I ended up forming a serious opiate pill addiction to cope with everything.
I had siblings who were terminally ill and literally laying on the floor dying, addicted to hard drugs, became prostitutes, drug dealers, gang members, etc. And I did EVERYTHING in my power to help/stop them. I took care of my sick mom and my schizophrenic/hallucinating brother and anorexic little sister who had heart failure. I spent every single penny to my name to try to get them treatments that could possibly save their lives. I worked 4 jobs and was in school at the same time. I sent my brother to Mexico for an alternative healing treatment which costed me 10s of thousands of dollars and I tried my best to renovate a new room for him to return to...
They all ended up dying anyway, just last year, literally one after another - My mom, then 3 months later, my sister, then 3 months later, my brother. I didn't leave any of their sides until they were dead...Despite the insanity, we were all so close I knew for sure once my mom died that some of us would go with her and unfortunately, I was right...
Whenever anything goes wrong, people find ways to blame me or put me in the middle of it even though I've been the one there for them the entire time doing everything in my power to prevent these things from happening to begin with.
My youngest sister (Debbie to a T) went absolutely insane OVERNIGHT (it seemed) and purposely got pregnant at 19 with a random homeless pimp/drug dealer she met on the street and even after I offered her an amazing life in a great house, she chose to cut off the entire family and just disappear after making dozens of death threats to all of us and doing thousands of dollars of damage to all of our cars, houses, property, sentimental items, etc etc. She slandered all of our names publicly and tried to have us arrested and killed multiple times.
She's been in and out of jail and mental hospitals, and I have no idea where she is now but she claimed to have killed several people by shooting them in gang violence situations and by drugging them. She became totally evil, and I'm still terrified for my life and hope she never comes back. I purchased 7 security cameras for my new house and car.
Our original family home was SO bad off, but we lived in it FOREVER, literally until last year when it finally had to be demolished due to code enforcement kicking us out.
It was filled with black mold, rats, roaches, holes in the floors, walls, ceilings, broken windows, glass all over the floor, hoarded piles of trash, people sleeping on the floor all cramped, raccoons, random cats, possums and all kinds of wild animals would just run in and out of the house due to some areas having no walls and how big the holes were. NOTHING in the house worked properly. Sometimes, I'd have to sneak into a random gym or hotel to take showers, use a working toilet, etc.
We had nowhere to live after that, so we all stayed in a hotel where there were shootings, drug deals, and pimps fighting in the parking lot daily.
Then, finally, last year, I saved up and got us a really nice big rental place, and all my remaining younger brothers and 1 sister live with me, and I'm still parenting them...
We've been discussing how I need to step back and take a break and live my own life, so I had them agree to all pay equal rent in order to move in and to help pay bills and get groceries etc.
Things are very slowly improving in some ways, but the "parenting" unfortunately never ends. I had to bail one of them out of jail just LAST WEEK when they got arrested OUT OF STATE...making matters way worse...
Things were so bad at our old house for the longest time, every single time I'd drive around the corner my heart would start pounding and I'd be internally praying, "PLEASE don't let there be cop cars, firetrucks, EMTs, CPS, or FBI outside, someone overdosing or dead, house on fire, etc" and any time there WASN'T one of those things going on, I'd feel a small moment of relief but still scared to see what I'd find inside each day...
I'm 34 years old now, I graduated with a bachelor's degree in psychology and another degree in art. I feel like I've never been able to fully focus on myself, I've never had anyone older to look up to, I'll never know that nurturing feeling that the rest of my siblings get to feel from me. It causes me to enter into toxic relationships with men twice my age because I guess I want to feel taken care of for once in my life and I just want to be "the younger one" for a change.....
I've always been extremely naturally athletic, but my dad banned me from sports and the gym "because I'm a girl." But I was finally able to join a combat sport 2 years ago; I'm getting pretty good at it now, beating guys twice my size. I have over 15 trophies/medals so far, and it's given me something to focus on. It's one of the only things that helps me get out of bed. My coach completely took me under his wing and I've been entering national competitions lately.
Anyway, ideally, I'd like to find the energy to get back to working on my art and get into a gallery soon. 💖🙏 I used to have pretty good success selling my art here and there but all of this stuff that happened over the past few decades just absolutely drained me to death.
I've never been to therapy in my life and at this point I just have to work on my extreme debilitating fatigue and exhaustion, PTSD, severe anxiety, insomnia, etc. And find a way to stop constantly putting everyone before myself.
Once I get past those things, I hope to be able to help more people and change the world through artwork with positive messages and using my psychology skills to help counsel others and improve their lives too. 🙏💖💖💖💖💖

Before we begin, here's some links to the previous stories:
The Tale of Skeptic
The Tale of Mess
The Tale of Sicko
The Tale of Ego
And now, let us begin with this recollection fo tales concerning another friend of mine.
Warning: mentions of meltdown, truly insane conspiracy theories, and slight bigotry.
When I started writing this one, I knew it was going to be looooooong, for there is a couple of premises to be made:
First of all, I do not hate the (sometimes) problem player I will talk to you about.
He is my friend, but I need to vent and ask for advice, for he is often unwillingly infuriating to talk to, not to mention to have at a table.
Second of all, both him, I, and everybody in our playing group are on the spectrum.
The problem is that in my country, Autism is still heavily misunderstood: some people think it's just a made-up excuse to try and be “weird and disobedient”, and it can be literally “healed” via physical violence; others formed their entire “knowledge” on the subject matter by watching “Rainman” once; still more think it's just a synonym for whatever completely unrelated mind condition they THINK they understand.
This is NOW.
Imagine fifty and more years ago, when my friend was born; the ignorance about Autism was insanely pervasive, to the point that many literal medical schools actively refused to teach about it, because someone decided that it wasn't real.
This led to my friend, whom I shall call “Condor”, never having a chance to actually work on his condition, and it bloody shows.
Now, his autism is not THAT severe, in many aspects: cognitively-wise, he has no issues, and he knows how to pass off as neurotypical in public.
However, in other aspects, his condition proves to be heavier than a Neutron Star.
The biggest issue is that Condor doesn't have opinions: he KNOWS how things are and how they should be.
Anything that doesn't conform to his personal vision of the world, even if it is just a fictional element of a fantasy series, is automatically objectively wrong.
Practical Example: he HATED “Puss In Boots 2: The Last Wish” because... Kitty's name wasn't Nyx and she wasn't Baba Yaga's familiar.
For those not in the know: Baba Yaga isn't even featured in the movie at all, and the name change would have a negative amount of impact on anything, but since the movie was not made with these insanely specific minutiae in mind, it's shit.
Try and make sense of this.
This lack of ability to comprehend that his insanely specific and niche point of view isn't the objective truth, can lead him to be incredibly offensive, while using the patented Ben Shapiro excuse of “I'm not being offensive, I'm just stating facts, and if that hurts you, that's because you can't handle facts”.
The problem is that Condor genuinely believes it.
Still, he seems to understand that some things he says can be offensive, so he sometimes manages to keep them to himself.
The key word being “sometimes”.
Just to give you another, more detailed example of how his mind functions, there was the time the rest of the group and I were watching some Mortal Kombat XI cutscenes; we just started, so it was the scene in which Evil Raiden was torturing Shinnok with his lightning powers.
Once we explained to Condor the context, he made up an absolutely apeshit narrative about how and why that scene was put in the game that way.
Brace yourself, it's gonna get a little weird, gonna get a little wild:
*Evil Raiden's lightnings are red.
*Therefore, they don't look like lightning (???).
*Therefore, the developers wanted to make sure that not-lightning looks evil.
*Therefore, the purpose is to make actual lightning look good by contrast.
*Therefore, it is all a plan to make people not suspicious of electricity when the 5G will start making us all infertile.
*Therefore, since gay couples can't have biological children by having sex, they're part of this conspiracy.
*Therefore, the entire modern part of the Mortal Kombat Franchise is being pressured by the Gay Lobby and the 5G Industry to promote their ideologies and goals.
All because, at the time, he was obsessed with the dangers of 5G, therefore EVERYTHING had to have to do with it, no matter how little sense it actually made.
It doesn't matter that there is a HEAVILY less demented explanation (aka that red is more easily associated with danger and negative emotions, therefore Evil Raiden was simply being color-coded), he didn't even consider this point of view, and started spewing the conspiracy theory.
It is what he believes, therefore it is a proven fact, and everything that disproves it is a deep-fake.
Of course, that never applies to anything that he can use to prove himself right.
On another occasion, this man literally picked up random data, stated that they proved him right without even consulting them, and when someone pointed out that they actually proved him wrong, Condor said that “data need to be interpreted”.
As if 2+2=4 is open to interpretation.
Before anyone asks: yes, I am still his friend, because I know there is no active malice in the way he acts or speaks, and because, despite his clearly COMPLETELY MENTAL vision of many, MANY aspects of the world, he is not a bad person, and when he doesn't allow his obsessions to distract him, he tries and often manages to be genuinely helpful (more on that at the end of the tale).
That doesn't mean he can't do damage, especially when he tries to help, ironically, because, as they say, “The Road to Hell” and so forth.
He literally actively caused a meltdown to another autistic person, because he decided that it would help said autistic person to vent and then feel better.
How could that be the wrong thing to do? It was what Condor DECIDED to do, therefore (and justly) it was objectively right.
And after a way too long premise, necessary to understand the individual, let's get into the parts relevant to this subreddit: the TTRPG-related ones.
First of all, during our homebrew 5E campaign, the one mastered by Guild, he fucked up badly in a pretty important social interaction scene on purpose.
The party needed to play their card wisely, using a delicate combination of wits, charisma, bribing, truths, lies, and calling in old favors, in order to create an alliance between two factions (the High Academy and the Merchants Guild) that had bad blood running since times unknown.
While my Warlock was doing his best Jack Sparrow impression (you know the one, when he starts being “diplomatic” with the use of complacent big-sounding words to make everybody think he is on the side of each and every one of them specifically), Condor decided that, since the scene was tense and serious, it meant that everybody at the table was on the verge of an anxiety attack, they just didn't know that, yet, and so he had the SOLEMN DUTY to actively ruin the atmosphere of the scene by trying to steal from the insanely influential factions we were bargaining with.
Because, since in his mind a touch of comedy was what was needed, he just HAD to try and be the most actively disruptive Rogue stereotype imaginable.
THAT is Condor's issue: once he gets an opinion on something, forcing that opinion in the current situation, even if it has nothing to do with it, or if it is bound to make the situation worse, becomes mandatory, because he genuinely believes that it would help all the parts involved.
By the way, I'm not assuming his intentions: he later explained them to me in great detail, and of course he decided that the only reason our GM, Guild, was annoyed was because Guild was “being autistic”, not because Condor literally wanted to ruin the mood.
Because Condor is never at fault.
Another time I was telling him some ideas I had for an attempt at an original TTRPG (yes, I'm trying, thank you), but when I started to describe the playable races, he was having none of that.
See, his most prevalent “special interest” at the time was a pseudo-mystical theory that a human is a human even if his soul transmigrated to a non-human body, so, in his mind, just by stating that a game had different sentient species, each and one of them with physical traits, I wasn't just wrong, I was actively attacking him for being right: he was obsessed with the fact that biology is less important than the spirit, therefore stating that a game had races with biological traits was a mistake he HAD to correct.
He offered absolutely 0% constructive criticism, only saying that I was wrong because, basically, I didn't plan the game in advance to be an extension of his own obsessions du jour, and when I decided to end the subject there (because I realized that it would go nowhere and that I would only manage to get aggravated), he even got offended, as if I had some sort of duty to agree with him and to let him shit on my ideas until he said the entire speech he had to say.
Another TTRPG experiment of mine is a ruthless satire about the very concept of battle boarding and power-scaling: I admit it, I'm kind of a weeaboo myself (people who read my other posts might notice an unhealthy desire to master a game based on the Nasuverse, FFS), but nonetheless, I can poke fun at the genre.
Basically, the game would be set in a future version of our world (more or less) in which, after a properly pyrotechnical war with enough explosions to satisfy an entire space-time continuum made entirely of Michael Bays, regular humans became so grotesquely enamored with super-powered individuals, that social stature is now directly linked to how much powerful you're agreed upon to be by the general public.
Basically, if you have vast enough legions of fanboys praising you for being able to atomize a moon by looking at it with mild annoyance, you're seen as deserving to rule a nice chunk of the setting.
The satirical aspect comes from the fact that a world like this is barely functional, because being powerful doesn't equal being a responsible and capable leader, but the vast majority of people in the setting actively refuse to acknowledge this evident fact.
One of those leaders literally has a negative amount of fucks to give about making his dominion work, because he only likes to fight, and can only be forced to do his duty when the few people who can match him in combat threaten to stop sparring with him if he doesn't get his shit together and at least pretends to be a responsible adult.
Yes, he is a Goku parody, why do you ask?
There is also an element of existential horror in the fact that, in a world of Gokus, Pegasus Seiyas and the most inanely broken of Isekai Protag-kuns, the players are (at least at the beginning) relatively normal people, the ones that, in a battle shounen, would be annihilated by the mere presence of basically everybody with a power level in the positive digits, so that the BIG, RELEVANT CHARACTERS can shine more.
So, it should be crystal clear that the entire premise is that this world is decidedly demented specifically and exclusively because almost everybody values big, spectacular super-powers above anything else, right?
Well, Condor managed to miss the point entirely, or, more probably, he actively ignored it because it wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear and see.
Basically, he told me that my setting needed a heaven-like place where you can only enter if you're weak, and that all the powerful characters ACTUALLY want to get there, and are stopped by the fact that they're strong, which makes them understand that power holds no value whatsoever.
He downright stated that my setting was bad if I didn't add this thing, and that if I defended my original idea I was “being close-minded and autistic, unable to see what is actually right and necessary for the story to be good”.
Who gives a shit if, thematically and narratively, the existence of a place where power isn't valued, and that is objectively better than the regular world, completely screws the meaning of the game over, sideways and under?
Condor had an idea, therefore that idea was the only good one.
People, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm not gonna lie: in both occasions, I was this close to literally physically attacking him, and had to repeat to myself “He means no harm, he is not actively trying to hurt your feelings” to refrain from hitting him.
I'm not proud of having thought to assault him, but I was feeling like shit: ideas I liked, that I thought had the potential for one day become actual, published TTRPGs, and on which I already spent time and effort to make them work... were being shat on because they were not what he wanted, and I was basically being insulted for defending myself.
Then there was the time he asked my help to create his own idea for a TTRPG.
Against my better judgment, I decided to at least hear his idea out.
And boy oh boy, the premise was, unironically, delightfully insane and over the top.
Basically, in a far future, in which mankind joined other alien races and we all together managed to become the absolute masters of both science and magic, basically gaining god-like powers, we met an obstacle: we expanded to the limit of this plane, and now we can not conceptually evolve or expand further, therefore we are about to end the natural resources of the entire Universe because we grew too insanely big an powerful to sustain ourselves.
Then, primordial fish-dragons made of stars from beyond conventional space-time decided that it would be fun to give us the means to access Hell to go and plunder, using our exaggerated super-powers to export some gigatons of democracy towards the forces of Inferno.
I read his ideas, and while they needed work, they could basically be described as “If literally every single battle shounen and fantasy beat'em-up tried to be DOOM, but refused to even pretend it was an even slightly realistic thing”.
Picture this: the Doom Slayer could be all out of ammo, heavily injured, and surrounded by more demons than the entire DOOM franchise canonically hosted... and then he would just ZA WARUDO the scene to have time to get some health back, shoot a string-theory-imbued Kamehameha in the Icon of Sin's face, and finish the massacre by summoning a sentient fairytale on steroids to roundhouse kick Ascended Demon Prince Josif Dzugasvili “Stalin” Vissarionovic in the front teeth.
One of the things you could do is to force matter to have both Baryonic and Non-Baryonic properties at the same time, thus basically giving a middle finger as powerful as the attraction force of a Quasar to a couple of fundamental laws of physics.
A relatively “normal” combat scene could very easily be some “Asura's Wrath”-level madness, only with the protagonist of “Dante's Inferno” as a trans-human mutant with the power of the metaphysical concept of memes, while in another point of the battlefield a cybernetically-enhanced Immortal of Taoism (who is also a living mummy from Space Atlantis) calls upon the aid of the 300 Spartans but redesigned by Tetsuya Nomura.
THAT is the kind of ludicrous fuckery we're talking about.
Heck, your party could be comprised of equivalents of a Space Marines special character, Lord Liu Kang, a Mighty Morphing Power Ranger and The Fastest Gun in the West but able to channel the power of Nyarlatothep by shoving a tuning fork on his rifle as a bayonet.
I'm sorry if I gave you too many unrequested details about the game, but it is to make it clear how much I loved the concept, and why.
If WarHammer 40K rewritten by Kinoko Nasu, a High Fantasy-themed DOOM mod, and every single combat-focused fantasy ever, had an Epic Metal Child, and the adventures of said child were written to make “Axe Cop” or “The Adventures of Dr McNinja” look tame by comparison, without actually going into full-fledged self-parody territory, the end result would be this game.
I'm not gonna lie... all of that could actually work.
Maybe this was the time Condor actually managed to consider how to make a thing that someone else could like, instead of just deciding that whatever HE wanted was what everybody was SUPPOSED to want!
Therefore, I had an almost mathematical certainty that this could be turned into one Hell of a working game.
I wuz WRONG.
I send him some ideas with an e-mail.
His answer was four pages long, with a single sentence addressing my ideas (and proving he barely read them) and the rest was a series of disjointed rambling about principles of theoretical physics that he was adamant to implement in the game, despite admitting he wasn't understanding them at all.
I was now starting to be afraid that any attempt at doing exactly what he asked me to do would be a waste of time and effort.
But, being I the optimistic cretin that I am, I endured and kept trying, because I'm a masochist and simply crushing my ballsack with a sledgehammer is too mainstream.
I started creating monsters for the players to face... and he didn't care about my efforts.
Like, at all.
His only comment was that he didn't like the name I chose for said category of enemies.
They were “The Impure Ones”, semi-sentient, animalistic monsters born from coagulated impurity... and he decided that they should be called “The Incoherent Ones”, despite the name not making sense with their concept, simply because “coherence” is what I like to call “his autistic magic word”, a word he thinks he can use to mean everything and the opposite of everything and to justify anything he fancies.
Finally, we abandoned the project after he insisted that every weapon shouldn't have stats of any sort, but just a list of how the physical principle “force=mass X acceleration” influenced it.
Which made it all but unplayable.
You may now ask why do I and my group keep subjecting ourselves to his company, right?
Well, two reasons.
The first is that, whenever he manages to keep his obsessions in check, he can be INSANELY insightful and helpful, giving solid advice on every subject, be it narrative, games, or even how to face a difficult IRL situation.
The second reason, more relevant to this subreddit, is that... whenever he is a DM, he becomes pretty much THE perfect Game Master.
He never fully shoots down a character concept, but manages to help every player make the character fit as much as possible in the adventure, he crafts genuinely creative and entertaining campaigns, and he is genuinely excellent at making sure everybody is having a blast at the table.
Heck, he managed to make my very first TTRPG character actually work in a serious mistery-themed Mages Chronicle.
Which is one Hell of an accomplishment, since my dumb young self created, as a character...
Sigh...
I created the electricity-manipulating gunslinger pimp, whose first interaction with the other characters was saving one of them from being framed for a murder... by convincing the police that said character was, at the time of the crime, busy being dommed by one of the pimp's girls.
I was young and a cretin, alright?
This to say that Condor can be pretty darn good and friendly, when he wants, and for now, it is enough to forgive his “less tolerable” outbursts.
As of now, I have only two tales left to recount.
One will be significantly shorter... and the last one will be, at least in my opinion, just the worst.
Be seeing you...

I haven't dug into any theories aside from a few LB reviews on the film. I believe I have a good approximation about the events of the movie but want to hear opinions on if I'm completely off the mark. I'll start with a literal interpretation then mention some of the symbolism afterwards. Also, I'm aware about the official "clues" but completely disregard it as unnecessary.
What literally happened?
Mulholland Drive is basically about Betty who wants to make it big as a Hollywood actress. She lands an audition for a leading role in Adam's new movie but loses it to Camilla. Evidently, she becomes depressed, envious, and ashamed, feeling like she's disappointed her parents. Desperate, she hires a local pimp named Joe to murder Camilla and force Adam to cast her, Betty, as the lead. The plan works out but soon the police start coming around her place asking questions. Because of the conspiracy and growing fear of getting caught, she begins to experience intense guilt-ridden dreams. The psychological distress, however, is so intolerable that she ends her life in bed.
To expand on the symbolism:
The Dream
Everything leading up till Camilla's opening of the blue box is a dream happening entirely in Betty's head. This is the guilt-ridden dream I was referring to above. Because it's a dream, the characters Betty saw or met in real life are scrambled and reincorporated as different characters just like in dream logic. For example, how you might see a random man crossing the street then dream about him later that night. Betty's dream does this with people as well, such as with the two random men in the Diner scene, the Cowboy (likely a cast member in Adam's film), and the female landlord. So when you ask yourself: "who is that random guy in this movie?" It's because Betty met or saw them in real life in some way.
Camilla
Camilla is dead the entire movie. The Camilla we see is just a dream interpretation conjured up by Betty's interactions with her when she was still alive. Every time you see Camilla on-screen, you 100% know Betty is dreaming or experiencing some kind of flashback. But it is never the present moment. Camilla was the one who impressed Adam and won the lead role much to the chagrin of Betty. Camilla's "amnesia" is actually Betty's desire to forget about the guilt she feels in hiring Joe to get rid of her.
Camilla x Betty relationship
The lesbian angle is two things: (1) Betty lost the role to Camilla and is deeply envious meaning she "wishes to be her" or "exchange places with her" and (2) Betty had Camilla killed and is deeply guilty meaning she "wishes to trade her life to make up for it." In both senses, Betty basically wants to trade places with her in some way. At first it was envy but then, once Joe did his job, it became morbid. Hence, we see duality between the two in multiple ways, such as kissing, shots in bed with their faces overlayed on the side, and the wig Camilla wears to look like Betty, so on.
The Scary Bum...*
...is Camilla. Or Betty's imagining of Camilla's dead corpse buried in the woods beneath the soil. Joe disposed of Camilla's corpse around the woods where the opening car crash happens. How exactly it played out is up to interpretation. For instance, you know how Joe is a pimp? Well it could be that the joy riding girls in the opening crash scene were with Joe that night. Maybe Joe intercepted Camilla's limo by crashing into it then shooting her as she got out? Maybe the limo drivers were paid conspirators and delivered Camilla to Joe, no questions asked? Whatever the case is, the point is that Joe killed Camilla in some way and Betty is merely recreating the details in her dream.
The Old Couple
The old couple are Betty's parents before she left for LA. In the film, they arrive with her but it makes more realistic sense that it was actually her memory/dream of her parents sending her off before she boarded the plane. The old couple are seen riding the same limo Camilla was seen which can be explained as another "dream logic" scenario where things in real life get mixed together. I believe the old couple being in the limo serves no symbolic purpose besides emphasizing the surreal quality of the film and referencing Camilla.
The Blue Key, The Box, and The 2nd Blue Key
The two blue keys are easy. The 2nd one is simply Joe's sign to Betty that he was able to get rid of Camilla. Notice how we first see the 2nd key only AFTER Betty wakes up from her dream. By this point, she is in the present moment where Camilla is dead, she is depressed, and the police are looking to speak to her. On the other hand, the 1st Blue Key is merely the dream version of the real life one but serves a different purpose for unlocking the box instead.
When it comes to the actual box, however, I have to say I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to mean. I believe there are 2 important scenes to suggest what the box represents but I've yet to gain a confident interpretation of my own. First is the opening of the box. If you remember, just when the blue box is about to be unlocked, Betty disappears leaving Camilla to open it by herself. Once unlocked, she too disappears, leading Betty to wake up in real life. The second important scene is the Bum (who I believe to be Camilla) dropping the box on the ground (just like how Camilla dropped the box on the ground before she disappeared) which then leads to the escape of Betty's miniature parents.
Because of these two scenes, I suspect the blue box might be Betty's sadness at disappointing both her parents. Not only did she fail her parents by failing to become a Hollywood star, but they will also soon discover that she is an accomplice to murder, which only adds further injury. Note how Betty is chased by the old couple as she screams and reaches for the gun. It's most likely that the blue box is connected to Betty's parents but I just fail to find the right words or angle to explain it in a succinct way. I do believe the box is meant to represent Betty's secret or something she wants to avoid even if it costs her her life. Hence, silencio (silent.)

Warning: WALL OF TEXT
• Control (2013): Kendrick addresses Drake, along with 10 other rappers, in his verse, prompting passive-aggressive reactions from Drake. Drake downplayed the verse in interviews and seemed genuinely annoyed he had to constantly discuss Kendrick during the rollout for his next album, Nothing Was the Same.
"And that goes for; Jermaine Cole, Big K.R.I.T., Wale, Pusha T, Meek Mills, A$AP Rocky, DRAKE, Big Sean, Jay Electron, Tyler, Mac Miller."
"I got love for you all but I'm trynna murder you niggas, trynna make sure your core fans never heard of you niggas. They don't want to hear not one more noun or verb from you niggas."
• The Language (2013): After months of hating in interviews, Drake finally addresses "Control" on wax, albeit subliminally. He makes it clear he doesn't view Kendrick in the same light as critics do and believes Kendrick is only doing this to get a reaction out of him. Both points would end up common themes whenever Drake addresses Kendrick.
"I don't know why they been lying but your shit is not that inspiring."
"Fuck anybody that's talking that shit just to get a reaction."
"I am the one with the motormouth I am the one you should worry bout."
• BET Awards Cypher (2013): Drake's subliminals on "The Language" prompt Kendrick to make the most direct shots so far, during TDE's cypher at the 2013 BET Awards. Directly referencing Drake's latest album "Nothing Was the Same" only 3 weeks after it released, calling Drake a sensitive rapper, a trend that would continue through this beef.
"And nothing's been the same since they dropped Control and tucked a sensitive rapper back in his pajama clothes."
"I got my thumb on hip-hop, and my foot in the back of your ass."
• Sh!t REMIX (2013): Drake takes the position of Kendrick's big homie, a trend that would also continue in this beef. He makes multiple mentions of helping Kendrick out by giving him a feature and bringing his tour to Los Angeles in 2011 when Kendrick was a much smaller artist.
"Took niggas out the hood like I'm from there, so you know it's all good when I come there."
"I hear you talking about you're city like you run there, then I brought my tour to you're city, you my son there."
• 0 to 100 / The Catch Up (2014): On "The Catch Up," Drake vents to a woman about rappers mentioning him in verses and coming to terms with the fact he's top dog now and the problems that come with that. An obvious reaction to the quick back and forth they had after "Control," he's framing Kendrick, and other rappers, as clout-hungry envious haters that just want his spot.
"Imagine how it feel to watch another nigga at the top, you know that if you wasn't you you would be dissing you dawg?"
• Pay for It (2014): Kendrick goes on the offensive for the first time since the BET Cypher. He directly responds to Drake's "motormouth" lyric from "The Language" and lets Drake know this isn't a warning shot, it's war now.
"Been dissecting your motormouth, til' I break down the engine."
"This ain't no warning shot, this a relevant henchman."
"Ending our friendship, baby I'd rather die alone."
• Used To (2015): Drake references a 2013 interview with Elliot Wilson, where he alleged he saw Kendrick days after the "Control" verse, and his demeanor was quite friendly.
"They gone say you're name on them airwaves, they gone hit you up right after like it's only rap."
• 6PM In New York (2015): On one of Drake's classic timestamp records, he takes shots at a bunch of artists, most notably Tyga. But towards the end of the track, he takes subliminal shots at BOTH Kanye West and Kendrick Lamar. Mentioning "Money Trees" and "Blood On the Leaves" making it clear he's ready to go there with artists of any caliber.
"Why you rapping like you come from the streets? I got a backyard where money seems to come from the trees, and I'm never ever scared to get some blood on my leaves."
• King Kunta (2015): Kendrick subliminally addresses rappers trying to sit on his throne. Most notably though, are the bars about rappers with ghostwriters. When this song first released nobody knew who Kendrick was referring to. But months later, after Meek Mill exposed Drake for using ghostwriters, it became obvious who King Kunta was referencing. It was at this exact point the entire dynamic of the beef began to change.
"I got a bone to pick. I don't want you monkey mouth motherfuckers sitting at my throne again."
"I can dig rapping, but a rapper with a ghostwriter? What the fuck happened?"
"I swore I wouldn't tell, but most of y'all sharing bars like you got the bottom bunk in a 2-man cell."
• Hood Politics (2015): While there are no direct shots at Drake, Kendrick does make reference to reactions to the "Control" verse. He talks about people in our culture being too sensitive and that further dissing could lead to violence because of that. But makes it clear he can press the "red button" and get the West Coast involved if it has to go there. More directed towards East Coast vs. West Coast than Drake, but still relevant to the lore.
"Unless you talking about power, yeah I got a lot of it. I'm the only rapper next to Snoop that can press the button."
"Had the coast on standby, 'K Dot what's up? I heard they opened up Pandora's box, I'll box 'em all in by a landslide."
"I resolved inside that private hall while sitting down with JAY (JAY-Z), he said 'It's funny how one verse can fuck up the game.'"
• 100 (2015): Drake makes another big bro maneuver. Featuring on a Compton legends song (The Game), while filming the music video in Compton. The verse seems to be a reaction to the praise Kendrick received for "To Pimp a Butterfly" he wants Kendrick to know that if he felt like it, he could make an album just as great as TPAB. He also claims Kendrick's recent music gets no play in the club and when it does, the reaction is lackluster.
"I would have all of your fans if I didn't go pop and I stayed on some conscious shit."
"I'm in the club every time they play the competition, if they even play the competition, and I seen the response they get."
• Darkside/Gone (2015): Kendrick one ups Drake. Likely upset a Compton legend allowed Drake to diss him on a song, Kendrick teams up with THE Compton legend on an album named "Compton" to respond to Drake. Directly referencing Drake's song "Enemies" and pokes fun at the constant subliminals Drake continues to send.
"But I still got enemies giving me energy I want to fight now."
"Subliminal sent to me all of this hate, I thought I was holding the mic down."
• Deep Water (2015): The more direct of the Compton soundtrack disses. He again references a Drake song, this time "Started From the Bottom," asserting that unlike Drake, he really started from the bottom. There are also references to the number "6" which Drake has a known affinity for.
"Motherfucker know I started from the bottom."
"They liable to bury him, they nominate six to carry him. They worry him to death but he no vegetarian."
"The beef is on his breathe, inheriting the drama better than a great white, this is life in my aquarium."
• Summer Sixteen (2016): Phase two of the beef begins here. In 2015 President Barack Obama was asked who would win in a beef between Kendrick Lamar & Drake. Barack Obama picked Kendrick, and obviously, Drake doesn't agree. A quick sub to Kendrick on a song mostly focused on the Meek Mill beef.
"Tell Obama that my verses are just like the whips that he in, they bulletproof."
• Untitled 02 (2016): Kendrick pokes fun at Drake, parodying his "If You're Reading This" flow on the last verse. No real direct shots but some possible subs.
"I can put a rapper on life support, guarantee that's something none of you want."
• Untitled 07 (2016): On the penultimate song from Untitled Unmastered, Kendrick addresses a few artists who sent shots at him after TPAB. Though the Jay Electronica shots are most notable, he does take a second to remind Drake that he's not ready for war. Essentially calling Drake a bitch.
"You niggas fear me like y'all fear God."
"Before you poke out your chest, loosen your bra."
"The mastemind, and til' my next album, more power to you."
• Grammys (2016): While there are no obvious shots at Kendrick, this is an important song in the lore. On this song Drake starts the "Top 5" discussion in hip-hop, and saying his spot there is not for debate. This would be referenced on many disses moving forward.
"Most niggas with a deal, couldn't make a greatest hits."
"Y'all a whole lot of things, but you still ain't this."
"Whole city going crazy, top 5 no debating. Top 5, top 5, top 5."
• For Free (2016): One of the more weird instances in this beef. Drake makes a sly reference to Kendrick's 2015 song, For Free? (Interlude). It's not clear if this was an attempt at being friendly again, or a petty pot shot. Although seeing how things played out after, I'd assume this reference was VERY tongue in cheek.
"And like your boy from Compton said "You know this dick ain't free."
•4PM In Calabasas (2016): On another of Drake's classic timestamps records, he shouts out Kendrick once again. This song reads as a post-Views victory lap. But Drake is still clearly taking the position as Kendrick's big homie, the guy that took him on tour when he was a starving artist. Also the first time Drake ever mentioned Kendrick's name on wax.
"When they told me take an R&B nigga on the road (Chris Brown), and I told 'em no and drew for Kendrick and Rocky"
• Gyalchester (2017): Drake makes a direct reference to Grammys. Asserting that's he's no longer just top 5, he's top 2 and he's not #2. Kendrick would obviously take exception. The artist he's been compared to for the last 4 years just claimed the #1 spot on record.
"I know I said top 5 but I'm top 2, and I'm not 2, and I got one, thought you had one, but it's not one, nigga nah."
• The Heart Part 4 (2017): Kendrick becomes the big dog. In the two years since TPAB, Kendrick received a ton of criticism from other artists. Downplaying the impact of the record, downplaying Kendricks skill as an MC. He was being boxed in as the "Black Power" rapper and artists not named Drake (Big Sean, Jay Electronica, Lupe Fiasco) were beginning to feel very comfortable shooting at Kendrick. Then comes The Heart Part 4. This was almost like Kendrick's 5AM in Toronto. He's now established as a top dog in the game, and he let's everybody, including Drake, know. A lot of bars on here could be interpreted as Big Sean disses, but Kendrick counting up to 5 and proclaiming himself as the greatest rapper alive was clearly a response to Gyalchester. Kendrick also name drops JAY-Z, referring to him as Hall of Fame. This could be interpreted as a shot at Big Sean, who has an album of the same name, or Drake, who had just had a public feud with JAY-Z the year before.
"My fans can't wait for me to son you're punk ass and crush you're whole lil shit. I'll big pun your punk ass, you a scared little bitch."
"Tip toeing around my name nigga you lame, and when I get at you homie don't you tell me you was just playing."
"Yelling one, two, three, four five. I am, the greatest rapper alive."
"Hoe JAY-Z hall of fame, sit yo punk ass down."
"Go celebrate with your team and let victory vouch you, just know the next game played I might slap the shit out' you."
"A difference between accomplishments and astonishments."
• ELEMENT. (2017): Much like The Heart Part 4, this song is also seen as a Big Sean diss primarily. But the 2023 leaked version shows Kendrick was prepared to use this song to kick off the Drake beef officially. Obviously, things changed and he went with a more commercial version, but still had shots. The most direct shot to Drake being a reference to Drake being in Compton shooting the "100" music video, and another call back to the Top 5 lyrics from Grammys. This was also the beginning of the "Bogeyman" narrative surrounding Kendrick, as he begs any rapper to say his name on wax.
"I don't do it for the gram, I do it for Compton."
"If I gotta slap a pussy ass nigga, I'ma make it look sexy."
"Mr. one through five, that's the only logic."
"Niggas want to flex on me and be in LA for free huh? Next time they hit the 10 freeway, we need receipts huh?"
"Most of y'all throw rocks and try to hide your hand. Just say his name and I promise that you'll see candy man."
"Last LP, I tried to lift the black artist, but it's a difference between black artists and wack artists."
• GOD.* (2017): Kendrick once again trolls Drake's flow. This time copying the flow from Drake & Kanye's song "Glow" no direct shots or subliminal's really.
• Mask Off Remix (2017): Kendrick's post-DAMN. Victory lap. After years of Drake being able to big bro him in the beef, Kendrick outsells and outperforms Drake in 2017. Kendrick now takes the position of being just as commercial as Drake, while still being true to himself. The gap had finally been closed, authenticity and artistry begin to play an even bigger role in the beef.
"Platinum, platinum, platinum, gotta look at yourself and ask what happened."
"How y'all let a conscious nigga go commercial while only makin' conscious albums?"
"How y'all let the braids on the TV? How y'all let the hood at the table?"
•Family feud (2017): Interestingly enough, at this point it had been 2 years since Drake sent any direct shots at Kendrick. And honestly at this point there wasn't much he could say. Kendrick was still active, moving the culture, and just as relevant as Drake. These bars are seen as a warning to Meek in case he wanted to start the beef again, but I think it's more directed at Kendrick. Drake sees the gap closing, but makes it clear he can still go there with Kendrick if need be. Possibly the biggest reach of this list, but it tracks.
"But this ain't all about calling truce I'm, still dishin' out verbal abuse. That shit could get reintroduced if somebody got something they urging to prove nigga"
•All the stars (2018): Kendrick had a monster 2017 with the release of DAMN. So monster even Drake had to recognize it. I can't find an exact link to the article, but Drake congratulated Kendrick on his success during an interview. Possibly another olive branch like For Free, but Kendrick clearly wasn't feeling it. He tells Drake to keep his fake praise to himself. And even just plain out states he doesn't like Drake.
"Fuck you and all your expectations, I don't even want your congratulations"
"I recognize your false confidence and calculated promises. All in your conversation"
"You endorsin'? Motherfucker, I don't even like you"
"I want the credit if I'm losing or I'm winning"
•Diplomatic immunity (2018): Possibly a little upset at Kendrick dismissing his congratulations, Drake goes back on the offensive for the first time since "100". He reaffirms his position as Kendrick's big homie by referencing songs from To Pimp a Butterfly, U and I. Essentially telling Kendrick he got too much dip on his chip after 2017, and to remember where he came from.
"They try to compare us but, like a job straight out of high school there's no U and I"
"I taught you everything you know now you got student pride"
•Sandra's rose (2018): In 2018 Drake had a lot more to worry about than Kendrick Lamar. He spends the majority of Scorpion going at Kanye West & Pusha T, but made sure Cornrow Kenny caught a stray too with a reference to "Mortal Man" from TPAB. After this we would see Kendrick withdraw from the game for a while due to personal reasons and the 2020 pandemic, essentially surrendering the throne to Drake. At least for the time being.
"I walk in godly form amongst the mortal men"
•Family ties (2021): In the 3 years since Sandra's rose, Drake has continued to run the score up. Going on an insane run of #1 hits, and establishing himself as not only the biggest act in rap, but arguably the biggest in the world. With the change in sound hip-hop was going through, some wondered if Kendrick still had a place in this game as a top rapper. Could he still make hits and be relevant to the culture? Or was he going the André 3000 route? This banger with Baby Keem answered all those questions. Kendrick comes with a refreshed energy, addressing his absence, and making it very clear he still sees himself as the best rapper in the world. He once again references the Drake "Top 5" line from Grammys, and makes allegations that Drake's numbers have been falsified. Baby Keem even gets a shot in towards the end as he alleged Drake or, Number 2, was messaging his girl. Reaffirming to Drake they still see him as #2, and insinuating Drake is a thirst god.
"Smoking on your top 5 tonight" "Don't you address me unless it's with four letters"
"Last year, y'all fucked up all the listener, who went platinum? I call that a visor. Who the fuck backin' 'em? All been falsified"
"#2 DM'ing my bitch, that's cool, I don't ask why"
•No friends in the industry (2021): Drake's responds to Family Ties with his most direct shot since Sandra's rose. Much like Scorpion, Drake was pretty preoccupied with Kanye West for this project, but made sure to let Kendrick know he can't touch him in the numbers game anymore.
"Fuck debating who the GOAT. Better not make this shit about the numbers all I know, better not make this shit about the summers all I know"
•Father time (2022): After Kanye and Drake got back together in 2021 for a Larry Hoover concert, a lot of fans were confused, Kendrick being no different. He likely saw some of himself in Kanye, and wonders how somebody with a mind like Kanye links back up with somebody who's taunted him and his family for years. You can literally hear the disappointment in Kendrick's voice, but he uses it as an opportunity to self-reflect and wonder if he's going about his issues with Drake the wrong way. This was also Kendrick's first time saying Drake's name on wax since "Control".
"When Kanye got back with Drake, I was slightly confused. Guess I'm not mature as I think, got some healing to do"
•Churchill Downs (2022): Drake finds a new angle. With Kendrick returning to the game with Mr. Morale and The Big Steppers, not everybody was so impressed. Drake begins to poke at Kendrick's height, and his lack of presence in the game since 2017. He almost seemed offended that somebody who took 5 years off could still be mentioned in the same breath as him.
"All I hear is tall tales coming from little men"
"Same ones that say they run the game when they not even in it"
•The hillbillies (2023): A hilarious parody of "Sticky" from Honestly, Nevermind. No direct shots or subs, but Kendrick and Keem are clearly poking fun at Drake for making a mediocre dance album.
•AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM (2023): Scary foreshadowing. Kendrick admits that the spirituality he's showcased since Mr. Morale has been a little inauthentic, because there's somebody out there he still REALLY wants to slap the shit out of. He also warns this artist's day one fans to have some facts on them. Just insane, and makes you wonder how long Kendrick has really been scheming.
"Truthfully I be lying in my rap songs, cause I always fail to mention I'll slap homie"
"His career didn't come with no life insurance, hope his day one fans got some facts on them"
•First person shooter (2023): This is an interesting one, because Drake doesn't really send any shots. Besides calling himself the GOAT, and comparing himself to Michael Jackson, not much on here can track back to Kendrick. J. Cole does mention Kendrick as a member of the Big 3, but then says the Spiderman meme is me looking at Drake. Likely asserting Kendrick's lack of activity puts Cole in that #2 spot officially. It feels like a narrative was being pushed that Drake & Cole were the top 2. Kendrick once again takes exception to this, wondering how these guys are BFF's all of a sudden. Wondering how somebody like Cole aligns himself with somebody like Drake. Hearing Drake flex beating a Michael Jackson record, while giving Cole his first #1. Cole and Drake claiming the top 2 spots? This was the moment Kendrick decided to go nuclear.
"Who the GOAT? Tell me who you really rooting for. Like a kid who act bad from January to November, nigga it's just you and Cole."
"Love when they argue the hardest MC. Is it K-Dot, is if Aubrey or me? We the Big Three like we started a league, but right now I feel like Muhammad Ali."
"Rhyming with me is the biggest mistake, the Spiderman meme is me looking at Drake."
"Everybody steppers, well fuck it, then everybody breakfast and I'm bout to clean up my plate."
"Niggas steady talking 'bout when this gonna be repeated, what the fuck bro? I'm one away from Michael, nigga beat it."
"Stories About My Brother (2023): Once again some insane foreshadowing. This song is Drake once again reaffirming his status as top dog, and shouting out the shooters he keeps around him. He also talks about artists banding together to put a dent in his armor. He then addresses Kendrick, telling him Mr. Morale was 'buns'. He also wants Kendrick to know nobody would care if he retired, saying he's not 'Kobe Bryant' to us, possibly a reference to Kendrick & Kobe's 2017 interview. Though some argue these are Kanye West shots, the Kobe reference swings it towards Kendrick in my opinion. The final chapter of subliminals. Clearly Kendrick had enough.
"Your last album was buns, you niggas Hawaiian as fuck."
"I can't wait for the day you choose to retire your stuff, takin' off the sneakers cause you tired of lacing 'em up."
"That's how you gonna find out you not Kobe Bryant to us."

I started rewatching CritCrab and realized I have a story that I think is pretty funny and is kinda dumb. Nothing insane, but I feel it worth posting :)
I’ve been playing in a homebrew 5e game as an Artificer, with two of my friends, the DM and someone who isn’t really relavant to the story. We wanted to pick up random players for this too so we had one random and the problem player, Max.
During session 0, the DM asked that we all pitched our backstories and a few npc’s that your character knows, so he has some things to play with specific to our characters. He wanted us to kinda be grounded with the stuff we wrote, as this was supposed to be a more serious kinda game. Max suggested him and I had a shared backstory, which I was ok with at the time, as I wanted to make the randoms feel chill joining our game. My character was a serial killer, who struck at night on drunk wanderers who were out just a little too late, he wasn’t like a murder hobo or anything, just did what he needed to to survive. He started getting known in town as “The Pale” as he would drain the blood of his victims for religious purposes. I thought it would’ve been super fun to play with a big secret that could leave my character in ruins if it got out.
Max described himself as well off and was the offspring of some demon and his mom, with his human dad trying to step in and teach the boy right, as his dad ran a successful business. He described his dad as a “cuck” and a complete pushover who was deeply in love with his mom who abandoned them or something. I don’t remember the details specifically, but Max basically suggested that his character supported me during the day using his dad’s funds and would help me pick targets out at night or something, and that we had a brotherly bond. Didn’t make the most sense for my character to be a murderer if he was being supported, but I was fine with it at the time.
Session One starts and Max comes to my house, banging on the door. He asks the DM if there is any work that we can do for the day, and drags my character to a brothel with him once I show him I can cast Thorn Whip. We talk with the owner and the owner suggested that I can use the whip to give to the employees working to use on customers or something, and to show up later that night to start work. As we leave, Max for whatever reason decided to say, “I’m like a pimp for The Pale hehe.” I ignored the pimp comment that implies he owns me, and instead was worried that he immediately name dropped me and let my secret out in the middle of the brothel. We hurry out of there, convinced no one heard him after rolling bad on our insight checks.
We wait throughout the day, which Max kinda goes and disrespects the rest of the players in some ways and says that he’s my pimp again, and we come back to the brothel later that night, and before we even start work, Max was demanding the owner to pay us and was making a big fuss of it. The owner of the brothel, after being haggled by some kid who wasn’t even working, decided to spit into a bag of money and toss it his way. Max never gave me any money but kept holding it in front of me and would say “it’s our money.” I began work and would just give the thorn whip to whichever employee would need it, and as I’m working, Max decided to start a fire in an isolated corner. My character at this point smells fire and starts to freak out, and Max tries to justify it by saying “He spit on our money, that’s fighting words.” My character at this point just wanted to get out of there, so he starts to book it, and at the time I was starting to think Max was kinda new to DnD and so wanted to try to make sure he got out too. So we both booked it through this brothel that many people were flooding out of.
The owner sends some Guards to chase after us which were much stronger than us, as we were just level 1. We get cornered in an alleyway and I try to stand in between the guards and my “brother,” who is just calling them names in the corner. These guards ask us to lay down our arms and come back with them, but I refuse and begin to fight. I was getting torn up. Luckily, a guard rolled a 1 and dropped his katana, and so I took that opportunity to book it and the guard started chasing me without grabbing his sword. Max took this time to scale a building and hide on the roof, and I’m struggling to outrun these guards.
When I realize I’m not going to lose him, I stopped in place, and just asked the guards if it was too late to surrender. One of the guards sized me up and said, “If my sword is still in the alley, then no.” As soon as the guard said that, Max asks the DM if his sword is still in the alley. The DM says yes. Max says, “I go down and pick it up, before returning to the roof.” At this point I knew Max was simply trying to screw me over for no reason.
Guards and I pull back up to the alley and I get impaled with one of the other guy’s swords, and since I was already low from fighting them, I’m already rolling death saves and being dragged back to the brothel. Max made sure to peek up from the roof and look at my character being dragged away. My character gets back to the owner of the brothel that MAX burned down, who leans in and says “now owns The Pale,” and at this point I’m texting the DM kinda bummed and pissed. I was very excited to play this character and didn’t expect one of the players to out my secret AT SESSION ONE FOR NO REASON.
Max gets back with the other players and tried to rally them to come get me out of the brothel and kill the owner, but their characters had no strong bond to mine so they weren’t the most on board with risking their lives to save me. Max then decides he needs to ask his father for help. He goes to his father’s house, who had some random women with him, and Max immediately started arguing with the DM. “My dad wouldn’t do that, he loves my mom way too much to cheat!” The DM and him argued for a bit, and then Max asked his dad to hire some people to get me out of the brothel, to which his dad said, “Look, that’s going to be a lot of money and could put our business at risk, I’m not going to do that. You guys got yourselves into this,” to which Max once again started yelling with “My dad wouldn’t do this, he doesn’t stand up to me like this and would do what I say because he wants me to love him.” To which the DM says, “Quite frankly, I don’t know why your dad would even tolerate you if this is how you’ve always acted with him,” and more arguing begins.
The session ends shortly after, and everyone is mad at Max. Max continued to argue his reasonings in the discord chat about why his character did everything he did that just so happened to screw mine over for a little while longer. I’m not entirely sure what compelled him to do this later, but he sends a message in that chat that read, “I feel like session 1 didn’t go too well. Let’s all list 3 reasons why we wouldn’t kill each other.”
I was dumbfounded by that message and thought it was hilarious. My DM kicked him shortly after he sent that. Have not heard from him since, and two years later, we’re still running that same campaign with one of the original randoms and two more randoms added. I’m still using the same character too. I’m the only player who hasn’t had a character die yet which is a nice brag. We keep joking that Max and his dad will be back as villains and I’m excited to get my payback at some point. Been the best campaign I’ve been in and I really enjoy everyone that’s involved. We keep Max’s last message he sent pinned and go back to it when our characters argue with each other.
TLDR: random player deliberately does what he can to ruin my character, aka “his brother,” and then after the session, asks everyone to say 3 reasons why we wouldn’t kill him
Edit: added msgs to Imgur to show some of this teehee Evil Messages

Text an escort and didn’t get a reply so I blocked the number. Got a message a couple of hours later . Saying it’s a pimp from the cartel and they have my name and address in the message. Also saying they will hurt my family. They want me to call them to work something out. Should I be worried?

Worst Mothafucka never loved us Fucka never loved us You ain't know, now you know now Still at it, scrub J's with a toothbrush Shit! Niggas still playing my old shit But your shit is like the police askin' us questions Nigga, we don't know shit Flexin' Nigga, I'm just flexin' Nigga never loved us Do it look like we stressin'? Look at you, look at you and look at you Aww, I'm glad that they chose us 'Cause man it's a mission, tryna fight to the finish Just to see if I'm finished
On my worst behavior, no? They used to never want to hear us Remember? Mothafucka never loved us Remember? Mothafucka! Remember? Mothafucka never loved us
I'm on my worst behavior Don't you ever get it fucked up Mothafuckas never loved us Man, mothafuckas never loved us Worst behavior, mothafuckas never loved us Fucka never loved us, worst behavior
Hold up, hold my phone Mothafuckas never loved us Fucka never loved us Now you want to roll one Mothafucka never loved us So everywhere we go now, full cup Always hated the boy, but now the boy is the man Mothafucka, I done grown up You know me? You know me? I'm liable to do anything When it comes to that you owe me You owe me, you owe me Bitch you better have my money When I come for that shit like O.D.B
On my worst behavior, no? They used to never want to hear us Remember? Mothafucka never loved us Remember? Mothafucka! Remember? Mothafucka never loved us I'm on my worst behavior Don't you ever get it fucked up Mothafuckas never loved us Man, mothafuckas never loved us Worst behavior Mothafuckas never loved us Fucka never loved us, worst behavior
Who's hot, who not? Tell me who rock, who sell out in stores? You tell me who flop, who copped the new drop, whose jewels got rocks Who else making rap albums, doing numbers like it's pop? Same old pimp, Drake, you know ain't nothin' changed With these funny style niggas, we done put on in the game I just ask for some blessins at my grandmother's grave
And it's back to L.A., open the mail, starin' at the check Enough to make you throw up, man it's gross what I net I'm with my whole set, tennis matches at the crib I swear I could beat Serena when she playin' with her left Oh, where I reside it look like a resort inside Nigga, where your shit from? I imported mine Bar mitzvah money like my last name Mordecai Fuck you bitch, I'm more than high My momma probably hear that and be mortified This ain't the son you raised who used to take the Acura 5 a.m. then go and shoot Degrassi up on Morningside For all the stuntin', I'll forever be immortalized Yeah, back and forth across the border line Hate to leave the city, but I've got to do the overtime Gone all the time, even the important times I should let you know ahead I'm comin' back on my worst behavior
Remember? Remember? Mothafucka! Remember? Hold up, hold my phone They used to never want to hear us Remember? Mothafucka never loved us Remember? Mothafucka! Remember? Worst behavior

Warning: Contains domestic violence, small town drama, and idiocy. Read at own risk.
My brother's major downhill spiral started with jealousy over my house, but only got worse thanks to this next part. He started smoking pot more heavily and drinking harder. And that was making him more aggressive and violent. He got in a brawl outside of a bar for reasons I still don't know. But he got his ass handed to him on a platter. He eventually found out his ex has been seeing someone else. And ironically that someone is another friend of mine. Which was news to me. But it's not like he wasn't around my brother's ex a fair bit. They're both fairly social people, and were also friends for years. Once the secret was out, he confessed to me it wasn't planned. But my brother's ex Sara (Fake name) and my friend just clicked one day about a year ago. This sorta thing can only happen in a town like ours. I admit, Sara is very beautiful. But I've always seen her as a big sister figure ever since she started dating my brother in highschool. So I never thought of getting with her myself. She kept her new boyfriend a secret for some time. I didn't even know until someone else spilled the beans. And the word traveled. When my brother found out, that was the last he could mentally take.
My brother was hoping for years that Sara would take him back. But no such luck there. When he lost his mind over the fact my friend was dating Sara, he started hunting for the poor guy. My friend is not a fighter, and a self described beanpole. So that's what I'll call him. Sara seems to like Beanpole because he's everything my brother is not. He isn't really a brave person. And came to me when he found out my brother was looking for him. He has a rather distinctively painted car. So it's easy to spot. My brother caught wind Beanpole was at my place, and came roaring his truck down the street.
When my brother showed up to my house, he started screaming and banging on my door because he wanted to kick Beanpole's ass. And when I refused to let him in, he attacked me. We had a redneck brawl right there in my front lawn. I want to say I won. But the fight only stopped when one of my friend/tenants yelled he was gonna call the cops. I sucker-punched my brother while he was distracted, and told him to never come back to my house again. And if he ever tried to hurt Beanpole again, I'd make sure he'd up in the hospital with two broken legs. This was backed by the other friends/tenants I had there. My brother is an idiot. But even he knew that pissing off my entire friend group was not a good idea. So he picked himself up off the ground and started leaving. But he clearly looked like he wanted to do something to my truck because he stopped and just stood there staring at it with his hands in his pockets, like he was debating scratching the paint with his keys. I yelled at him that I have CCTV. But then he turned around, pulled his pants part way down, and started rubbing his ass directly onto my truck's passenger side door. Then he forced out a nasty fart and said he sharted a little, and laughed like a nutbar when he took off. I immediately got the hose. I'm just glad I didn't leave windows open or doors unlocked. Otherwise he'd have done far worse. And the smell of what he did was pretty much what you'd think.
Everyone already knew Sara was never going to take him back. She avoided dating for years because my brother is so unhinged that she knew he'd do something like this. That's why she and her new boyfriend kept it secret. I went to ice my bruises and call Sara. But my brother was already calling and texting her. Over and over again, he wouldn't stop. He was begging she break up with her boyfriend and take him back. He even said he wanted to marry her and move to the northwest. Not sure why he specified that part of the US. Maybe because we live in the southeast. But she flatly told him no, never again, not happening even if hell froze over. He cried that it wasn't fair, because she was his first love (she wasn't), and they have a daughter together. Then he started sending her flowers, love letters and gifts. She sent them all back. Then she announced online that she and Beanpole had been dating for some time, and recently made plans to eventually move in together. That's when my brother really went off the deep end.
A few hours after he saw that post, my brother got wasted and then barged into Sara's parents' house by body ramming the back door. He actually cut his face because the door had a glass window. But he was so drunk that he didn't notice he was bleeding. Sara understandably freaked out, and my brother grabbed and tried to force her to kiss him. She pushed him away and he hit her for refusing him. He slapped her and threw her to the floor really hard like an angry pimp wanting his money. And his daughter saw it all and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Sara screamed too, and my brother fled. Police were called, and Sara was taken to the hospital. My brother threw her down so hard that she had a dislocated shoulder. My brother was found by police at his camper, where he was even more drunk than before, and half his face was covered in blood. He had to be taken to the hospital, where he got stitches. Then taken to jail. He got charged with trespassing, breaking and entering, and assault. (Surprisingly not DUI too, as he'd actually walked there) When our parents and I found out, well the family finally couldn't take it anymore, and went into an uproar. Our parents had it out with my brother after he bailed himself out from jail, and then he tried to fight our dad when they argued. And no surprise, he tried to blame everything on me.
My brother actually said I let Beanpole steal his woman. But couldn't really explain how. He also refused to believe I did not know until recently. Then he said that Sara was supposed to be his. Dad not only disagreed, but told my brother that he was a fucking disgrace, and that was an absolutely disgusting way to talk about Sara. She's not his property. And then my brother shoved dad as hard as he could. Dad got knocked to the floor, and my brother started kicking him. Dad isn't a small man. But he's old with a bad back and a bad knee. And needs a cane just to get around. Since we knew my brother would only have gotten crazier if he saw me, I was hiding in another room with the door cracked and listening in. I knew he might do something crazy. So I insisted on secretly being in the house when he was confronted. And I'm glad I was, because I came to dad's defense before my brother could do too much damage. I knew we were roughly even in a fight. So I ambushed and hit him in the back with a rubber mallet, and then beat the shit out of him. No police were called that time. I attacked him in defense of our dad. So he probably would have been screwed if he tried to get me charged anyway. And then he'd have gone right back to jail. Someone also once asked me if I enjoyed beating up my brother that day. I did not. I was just in an adrenaline fueled rage protecting my dad. But all things considered, I could have done far worse to my brother with that rubber mallet, as he only really got bruises. My dad gave hm a good smack in the face with his cane too though. But it's just hollow aluminum. Not exactly a damage dealer.
Our parents (mainly my dad) disowned my brother as I threw him out the door. And he spent some time crying on the porch and saying he was sorry and didn't mean it, then switched to saying we could all regret this, and we could go fuck ourselves before finally leaving. My mother spent hours crying. She'd stuck up for him before, and this was how he repaid her. My brother managed to avoid real prison time, or a trial for attacking Sara by taking a guilty plea deal. He signed away custody of his daughter. And Sara got a restraining order against him. My brother got a fine, somehow only a couple months in county jail, probation, has to abstain from alcohol for six months, and he had to pay for the property damage. Sara's dad already put in a new door, and billed my brother for it. My brother also understandably lost his job due to the situation.
Our mother secretly kept in contact with my brother, and agreed to look after my brother's truck and camper while he was serving his two month sentence. And she didn't ok it with dad first. He was pretty pissed at her for going behind his back. But she reasoned that it would be the last thing they ever did for him, because she didn't want my brother to have no place to go after getting out of the clink. And even she made it clear it was the last of her good will towards him too. Once my brother got out of jail, mom drove his truck and camper to a store to meet him, and gave him back the keys. She told me there was barely a word of thanks from him. Mostly just grunts when she tried to get him to talk to her. Dad said he still looked like an ungrateful sod. After that my brother lived wherever he could park his camper for a while until one of his remaining friends somehow got him a new job as a welder in another town 40-ish miles away that he was having to commute to with his camper for a while. But he was back every weekend. Apparently he only got the job by agreeing to work for less than what the job would normally pay. So he could move there permanently as soon as he got the ok from his probation officer. Which said officer didn't make easy I heard. I don't know the red tape of it. But he managed to pull it off. He can't leave the state. But he could still move to another county it seems. He's probably renting a space in a trailer park right now or something. And maybe he's back to doing his side hustle of hauling trash for people.
Before leaving town, my brother showed up outside my house to give me the double middle finger and dance around like a monkey while cursing at me in the street when he knew I was watching from the window. I guess it was his stupid way of trying to get in a last laugh without breaking the law or something. But then I got an idea. I've heard plenty of people say to kill with kindness. So I tried it in my own way. I grabbed an unopened bottle of my favorite honey whisky from the pantry because I know my brother really loves that stuff too. Then I went outside and walked right up to him, and shoved the bottle into his hands. I think it was the last thing he expected me to do in the moment. And I know he'd NEVER willingly break a bottle of good booze. Especially when it's free. Then I told him to have a drink on me to start his new life. I could barely keep myself from laughing when I turned to walk away. When I looked at my CCTV footage later, he actually stood there looking really glum while just staring at the bottle, and then moped back to his truck.
And then he was gone. Off to start his new life as a career welder. My brother is a childish, narcissistic, misogynistic, asshole to an extreme degree. But he's actually damn good at welding. Both with steel and aluminum. Mostly self-taught too. It's practically his only real talent. He's even done basic forging and auto body work. I've seen him do shit with scrap metal I wish I could. But that's the only real compliment I can still say about him. Maybe he'll make a decent new life and career for himself doing metal work elsewhere. He's better off away from us, just like we're better off away from him. He deleted all his social media, and I assume blocked us on everything. Not that we'd bother to contact him. One of his few remaining pothead friends in town told me my brother wants to legally change his name when his probation ends. Knowing him, he'll likely do it.
Things are much more peaceful and far less dramatic without my entitled leech of a brother here. Some part of me missed him for a while. But he's just a terrible person. And the only one who's still missing him, is our mother. She's still kinda broken up about it. But dad has been unwavering that they did the right thing by disowning him. He made his own bed. Now he's lying in it. I doubt my brother will come back any time soon. And if he does, he will not be welcome.
Edit: Got home and cracked open a bag of salt & pepper pork rinds, and was half expecting hundreds of comments like last time. I'm thankful it wasn't. Still, I'm also thankful to everyone who gave their support. To answer some questions I got in comments and DMS. I've got cameras inside and outside my house. Beanpole and Sara are still dating. But they've put off moving in together for now. My niece is doing good. But says she has no daddy anymore. My brother was barely a father to her anyway. Yes I know it was a bit much giving a known alcoholic a bottle of booze. And good booze at that. But I knew he wouldn't be able to drink it for months anyway. Which is why I was trying so hard to hold back laughter when I gave it to him. Besides, he's just gonna drink like a fish on his own dime when his court ordered sober time runs out.
I'm hoping this is the last post about current antics involving my brother. Maybe I'll tell other past stories about him. Or the story of my cheating ex. Still couldn't bring myself to post that. I typed it out and everything. But I guess it still ate at me because I really liked that woman. And yeah, this situation with my brother eats at me too. But he's toxic. And I'm better off without him in my life anymore.

Every nigga is a star, ay, every nigga is a star Every nigga is a star, ay, every nigga is a star Every nigga is a star, ay Who will deny that you and I and Every nigga is a star?
Hit me! When the four corners of this cocoon collide You'll slip through the cracks hopin' that you'll survive Gather your weight, take a deep look inside Are you really who they idolize? To pimp a butterfly
At first, I did love you But now I just wanna fuck Late nights thinkin' of you Until I get my nut Tossed and turned, lesson learned You was my first girlfriend Bridges burned, all across the board Destroyed, but what for?
When I get signed, homie, I'ma act a fool Hit the dance floor, strobe lights in the room Snatch your little secretary bitch for the homies Blue-eyed devil with a fat-ass monkey I'ma buy a brand new Caddy on vogues Trunk the hood up, two times, deuce-four Platinum on everythin', platinum on weddin' ring Married to the game and a bad bitch chose When I get signed, homie, I'ma buy a strap Straight from the CIA, set it on my lap Take a few M-16s to the hood Pass 'em all out on the block, what's good? I'ma put the Compton swap meet by the White House Republican run up, get socked out Hit the prez with a Cuban link on my neck Uneducated, but I got a million-dollar check like that
We should never gave, we should never gave Niggas money, go back home Money, go back home We should never gave, we should never gave Niggas money, go back home Money, go back home (Everybody get out!)
At first, I did love you (love you) But now I just wanna fuck (I just wanna fuck) Late nights thinkin' of you (of you) Until I get my nut ('til I get my nut) Tossed and turned, lesson learned You was my first girlfriend Bridges burned, all across the board (across the board) Destroyed, but what for?
Yo, what's up? It's Dre Remember the first time you came out to the house? You said you wanted a spot like mine But remember, anybody can get it The hard part is keepin' it, motherfucker
What you want you? A house or a car? Forty acres and a mule, a piano, a guitar? Anythin', see, my name is Uncle Sam, I'm your dog Motherfucker, you can live at the mall I know your kind (that's why I'm kind) Don't have receipts (oh, man, that's fine) Pay me later, wear those gators Cliché? Then say, "Fuck your haters" I can see the baller in you I can see the dollar in you Little white lies, but it's no white-collar in you But it's whatever though because I'm still followin' you Because you make me live forever, baby, count it all together, baby Then hit the register and make me feel better, baby Your horoscope is a Gemini, two sides So you better cop everything two times Two coupes, two chains, two C-notes Too much ain't enough, both we know Christmas, tell 'em what's on your wish list Get it all, you deserve it, Kendrick And when you hit the White House, do you But remember, you ain't pass economics in school And everything you buy, taxes will deny I'll Wesley Snipe your ass before thirty-five
Yeah, lookin' down, it's quite a drop (it's quite a drop, drop, drop) Lookin' good when you're on top (when you're on top, you got it) You got a medal for us Leavin' metaphors metaphysically in a state of euphoria Look both ways before you cross my mind
We should never gave, we should never gave Niggas money, go back home Money, go back home We should never gave, we should never gave Niggas money, go back home (tax man comin', tax man comin') Money, go back home (tax man comin', tax man comin'!)

I made a post a few days ago ranking my 5 favorite characters from the show, and I mentioned how Otto was a close contender (got beaten by Aegon), but now I’m in the move to talk more about Otto because I don’t think I’ve said enough lol
Let’s get the things I hate out of the way:
Pimping out Alicent

• I’ve seen some people post on other subs how Otto wasn’t really pimping out his daughter, it was just the way of life. And I agree, but only to an extent. I get that in Westeros, it’s a noble father’s job to arrange marriages for his children that will politically advance either him or his house.
• But Otto didn’t just arrange a marriage for his daughter. He had her go and secretly meet with the king, her best friends father, in order to “seduce” him (she didn’t sexually seduce him, more of a “oh she likes me and hangs out with me she’d be a good wife” type thing). He put her in her dead mother’s dress, which shows off more of her body. Some people might not say that she’s wearing more revealing clothing, but there are slits in the arms of her sleeves going up to her shoulders and shows more of her chest than her previous dress. Remember, this is a medieval-esque setting, so her showing marginally more skin is a big deal.

Ignoring (most) of his grandchildren:

• I only say “most” because there are a few scenes of him interacting with Helaena that are really sweet and seems like he has a least somewhat of a good relationship with her
• But on to his other grandchildren. Aegon is plastered after Laena’s funeral, and what does Otto do? Yells at him and drags him off to bed. He does absolutely nothing to correct Aegon’s behavior in any way, and considering Aegon is who Otto plans on being king, one would think he’d want him to be prepared to rule. (Though this could be viewed as Otto trying to make Aegon easy to control, and plus alcoholism wasn’t really quite as big a deal as we in the modern world view it, but still. It’s his grandson).
• And Aemond and Daeron? Well, there’s nothing. (Correct me if I’m wrong) but he never really interacts with Aemond at all, and well, Daeron . . . we’ll see (though perhaps there’s something to say about Daeron being sent to be a cupbearesquire for Ormund Hightower, Otto’s nephew and Alicent’s cousin)

Now the stuff I love:
Ambitious

• Call it a cliche if you want, but I’m freaking obsessed with the “ambitious second-son” trope. It’s one of the reasons why I love Aemond so much, because it’s clear that these people are capable of being leaders/rulers, but they aren’t really able to because they’re the younger son.
• As much as I hate what he did to Alicent (having her go see Viserys in his chambers alone) it was a smart ass move. I don’t think Viserys would have married Alicent if Otto had straight-up proposed it – there aren’t really advantages to marrying her since Otto’s the second son, and he may have viewed it as a power-grab. So sending Alicent to meet with him in private was a really really strategic and politically advantageous move, as much as I hate the fact she had to do that as a young (14-16ish) girl.
• And we see it again when Aemond loses his eye – he isn’t super concerned over the fact that his grandson was mutilated, he just recognizes how much Vhagar will benefit them if it comes to war (I’m not sure if Otto knew they would fight a war for the throne, but Vhagar still gives them a huge advantage when it comes to warfare and getting other houses to fall in line)

Political Intellect

• Even though I may not like a lot about Otto, I can’t deny his political intellect. A lot of the issues he raises as Hand are valid. For example, having Rhaenyra named heir over Daemon. Daemon was an extremely polarizing figure – he was viewed as a whoremonger, a drunk, his actions in the City Watch are extremely violent – it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to think that he’d be a second Maegor. We don’t see Otto and Daemon interact prior to Daemon showing up in the Small Council after the night with the Gold Cloaks, and one of the first things Daemon says is about Otto’s dead wife. Based on the things we see of Daemon in the first half of the season supports everything Otto has said about Daemon, and it makes sense why he thinks Daemon shouldn’t be king.
• He proposes that Rhaenyra and Aegon should marry. Yeah, Aegon was only 2 years old and there would be a substantial age gap, but it really would have stopped the Dance. Rhaenyra might not have been able to rule in her own right, Aegon might have been viewed as the “real” ruler, but the family would not have been as divided. Both of Viserys’ eldest children, the one who he named heir and the one everyone assumed would be heir, would be united, at least to an extent.

His relationship with Helaena

• I mentioned it above, and in a previous post about the Last Supper scene, and I know all we really got are breadcrumbs, but I still love it. Helaena doesn’t seem to have anyone in the show (in the books, Viserys spends a good bit of his time at the end of his life with Helaena and Jaehaerys and Jaehaera), so it was a cute moment to see some semblance of a relationship between Helaena and one of her relatives.

Those are all the moments I can think of right now, but he’s just such a fun character to watch and I see a lot of hate sent his way because of his actions with Alicent and his obvious desire to have his blood on the throne, so I wanted to highlight some of the good parts of his character (or, at least things about his character that I enjoy)

I have worked in various fields, such as strip clubs and in close proximity to young adults due to my other field, and i have encountered many adult victims/survivors of child sexual assault (CSA). There is a threatening and dangerous group that I RARELY hear about: Adults who target and groom other ADULTS who are CSA survivors. I have seen it repeatedly, and I even knew of a group of men (usually elderly 40+), who know ALL about borderline personality disorder and ways to manipulate adult CSA survivors until they gain their trust. Their purpose is often sexual for their own benefit, but also often financial and group and prostitution.
I witnessed men sharing techniques on how to target women, so I beg you do not share your survivor stories attached to your real name on any social media, because this is what they look for in their media searches. Knowing that many victims have a fixation on their abuse prototype, they follow these common steps. Some key elements to be aware of: they will ALWAYS agree with you until they gain sexual activity to gain your trust. Use that against them.

1. make contact explaining how sympathize and only they understand. They will always agree with ANY position (political or emotional) you have and they will never argue. So if you want to find out if someone is using this technique, communicate about something you hate but tell them you love it (like "Don't tell my liberal friends, but I love Trump.") They will find some way to agree. Even if you then reveal you hate so-and-so, they will find a way to reverse it and agree. Keep planting false info (because after all if you love feminism you don't want to be with someone who doesn't)
   
2. After contact, they will take their time to gain trust NEVER suggesting meeting, only suggesting fun events they are attending in the hopes that you attend. I saw one man target an autistic girl telling her he was doing a rafting trip (it was in a cold month of September and she was the only one invited) even tho he made it look like many were coming.
   
3. Exposure to graphic sexual images. Many CSA survivors have a fascination with nudity or male genitalia, and adult groomers will find a way to send a photo in a bikini or sexual imagery, usually making it seem as a natural conversation. This is LONG after gaining trust.
   
4. IN person exposure. The person in question will always seem like a beneficiary even when meeting. He won't suggest anything sexual, he just wants to be around when the CSA victim does feel sexual. MOST (not all) CSA survivors have a hypersexuality moment, usually after their period but also in exposure to images. The groomer is trying to always be there when it happens, even working into conversation when their period is ("Oh if you're cranky, I understand, your period must be coming up." They want to be present when it happesn
   
5. When hypersexuality does happen, and they are there, whether you invite them or not, they will engage in sexual intercourse (yes many will even rape the survivor), knowing that post sex, the borderline personality disorder will make the survivor believe they are in love.
   
6. They will try to engage in sexual conduct immediately after, within 1-3 days, to show a pattern that they are indeed in love.
   
7. At this stage, the beneficiary behaviour changes to abuse. The groomer will then start making the survivor do things ("Oh I cant come to pick you up, you come to my house") or ("I didn't get you anything to eat, you'll have to sit there and eat my scraps"). They will VERY SLOWLY turn up this manipulation, using words like "If you love me, you'll do this." This extends into EVERYTHING from anal sex to giving money. This is a similar mentality that PIMPS use on prostitutes and its why prostitutes give the pimp their money earned.
   
8. SOmewhere while 7 is going on, the groomer will isolate their victim from all friends and family, using manipulative advice "Oh if hes trying to get you away from me, he's jealous, don't trust him." One by one the victim will cut off all friends and family who disagree with her choice.
   
9. Once total isolation occurs, the groomer will increase the sadism. Suddenly all his friends will be there (this can happen not always, some groomers just want their personal sex lave), and all the friends will be invited to have sex with her, making her believe she wants this. You will see this at DOM/SUB fetish group activities as well. Almost all Dom/Sub relationships are based on CSA survivors.
   

10), once the groomer is bored, he will use the current victim to gain access to other friends, as most her friends will be similar in nature and use her to gain trust of future victims. Or in the case of the group I know, they shared their victims with each other.
11) It reaches a point where most groomed victims become so desensitized to sex that it no longer matters, they will do whatever their groomer says, at this point he turns her out to prostitution, or gets her to max out all her credit cards. He either dumps her or releases her to the street. Some introduct drugs and alcohol.
HOW TO COMBAT IT:
Watch for the signs. Someone who knows you are a CSA survivor should not ever be considered as a partner. This is not the same as telling your partner you are a CSA survivor, this is when people use the info to gain access to you. Watch for the jovial kind older man who will always help you or look after you. Beware of the man who agrees with everything. Beware of phrases like "If you loved me, you would..." OR "They don't understand you the way I do." Anytime a stranger communicates you, run it by your friends, and create a NETWORK of people (if you don't have friends) of CSA survivors, and share the communication. BLOCK PEOPLE, don't even enter into communication. If you do decide to let that person in your life, LISTEN to your friends, but beware your mind is not yours anymore. BPD makes you believe you love the person.

CSA #adultgroomers

Back in the ’90s I operated a titty bar called “The Bearded Clam”. It was an upscale joint, ya know what I’m sayin’? We did not discriminate at all against the Jews and the A-rabs, just the blacks. Even knife fights were rare in my joint! Who am I? Well, due to legal reasons I am told not to disclose my real name. So you can call me “Sal”.
We didn’t allow no prostitution in my joint, unless the guy gots money. If he gots money, then I would set him up in a back room I had fixed up in the back. I stored our cleaning products back there. But I threw a twin mattress on the fuckin’ floor and covered it up with plastic. Presto!! It is Casa La Amore. I would put da client back there with one of my goils, collect the guy’s dough, and set an egg timer for 10 minutes. You gotta “ding” before that bell rings! You know what I am saying? HA HA HA HA!!! Otherwise, I will have my nephews, Brutus and Hercules, drag your sport ass out to the pocking lot and beat the living out of you. Capisce? You get none of MY goils’ cooch unless ya pays me for it!
Well, that was a long time ago. Eventually I got pinched for taxes and the fucking IRS shut me down. They tried to put me away, but I told da feds a couple little stories I knew about some greaseballs we both know, and they cut me a deal. They gave me a new identity and set me up in the suburbs out in the Midwest. But now I am 78 years old and living in a retirement village in Florida. I run the numbers racket in here, see? I even got a couple of these old broads here on payroll. I pimp them out for a hundy a hump! It provides me with a little piece of spending money and keeps me outa trouble.
All in all, things could be worse. I could be rotting in some shit hole federal prison and sharing a cell with one of those jig-a-boos, I guess. Here at “Aging Acres” I got a roof over my head. I get 3 meals a day. I got a cute little Spanish chick with a tight little ass I slip a few bucks to every Saturday night to blow me while she sticks her finger up my ass. She looks like that ding bat in Congress. What’s her name? IUD? No, no.. wait… AOC!!! Yeah, that’s the one!
So, back in 1998, I think it was … Let me tell ya this story. Back in 1998, I think, I had this VIP come into my joint with his son. He was a real high roller. He said his name was Joe Diden, and that his son was Huntley Diden. These were obviously not their real names. I recognized that dirty motherfucker as soon as he set foot in my joint. He came into the joint with the kid, spent a lot of money at the bar, and bought several lap dances.
Both of them were wearing ties and coats, like they just came from their white collar jobs. But instead of pants, they was both wearing sweat pants. They thought they were being cute. They thought they was gonna rub their little pencil dicks up against my goils, through them flimsy pants. But I been in the business a long time, so I know these stupid games the assholes play. So I decided to keep a close eye on these two fucking perverts. One drop of jizz and I was going to put Brutus and Hercules on these two ding dongs, Sicilian style.
Well, I had business to attend to off the premises. I had this thing I had to do. I had to go get rid of a thing, Capisce? So I left my manager, Renaldo, in charge of the joint. He was a poof ball, but otherwise a good guy, and a hard worker. I figure a poof is good in this line of work because they won’t constantly be trying to fuck the goils, ya know what I mean?
Well, at around midnight me and my cousin, Johnny Lasagne, were finishing this task for which I took my leave from my joint. We were putting our shovels in the trunk of Johnny’s Monte Carlo when my cell phone rang. It was Renaldo. He was hysterical. It seems that those two sweat pants wearing motherfuckers were touching my goils and creeping them out. I told Renaldo to get Brutus and Hercules up there and wait for me to get back. I wanted to take a few whacks at these two fuckin’ gibrones myself for disrespecting my goils. I told Johnny, “Don’t take them shovels home just yet, ok?” He nodded.
When I got back to my joint I found Hercules applying a choke hold on Huntley. The kid’s face was already turnin’ blue. Daddy was busy trying to fast talk his way outa this shit with Renaldo. Brutus had Daddy’s pants and shorts pulled down and holding his nads tightly with a pair of pliers. His nads were turning blue too. Brutus was threatening to pop Joe’s nuts like a zit on some pimply face kid. I intervened.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?”, I demanded to know. It turns out that the kid, Huntley, busted a nut through his sweat pants during a lap dance. This is a BIG no-no in the business, and gets ya a brutal ass kicking, you know what I fuckin’mean? These little pricks … I don’t know what kind of dick shriveling disease these fuckers have. I don’t want my goils exposed to that shit!! The first time one of my clients get the clap after dinkin’ one of my dick cozies and word gets out?!? I AM FUCKED!! This would fuck up my business like nothing else could.
Then, as if jizzing my juicer without paying weren’t bad enough, the old man started going up on stage and sniffing my dancers’ hair. It creeped the fuck out of my goils. I don’t blame them either. That is some weird shit right there! But it was when he started grabbing their tits and shit that he truly crossed the line. DON’T FUCK WIT MY WHORES!!! Otherwise, you is going THROUGH the fuckin’ door, amigo. Capisce?
Well finally this old prick got reasonable, probably because one of his balls blew out under the pressure of Brutus’s grip. Joe offered me $10,000.00 cash, for “my troubles”. I said, “Let me see da fuckin’ cash, ya degenerate maggot.” Hercules escorted Huntley to his Beamer to retrieve it. When they returned, Huntley was carrying a brief case and sporting a new shiner he did not have a moment before.
Huntley opened the brief case to expose what turned out to be nearly $20,000.00 in cash, along with a lot of doping paraphernalia and little baggies of coke and a bunch of rubbers. I closed the briefcase, then violently slammed the edge of it into Huntley’s balls. “I will take it all, you no good, degenerate prick”, I said. Huntley hid the floor hard. He laid there and was whimpering like the pathetic little bitch dat he is.
Then I walked over to the old man. He was staring at me with his mouth hanging wide open. I told the old fuck to empty his pockets. He was carried $2.34, a hotel room key, and a receipt from Ben and Jerry’s. I said, “You pathetic prick. Why can’t you act like a fucking MAN!!” Then I bitch slapped him. “WHAP!!!!”
Finally, I called my oriental goil, Ding Dong, over. I asked her if either of these two jerkoffs had touched her. She said the old guy sniffed her hair while he had his hands down his pants. I had Hercules make the old guy vertical. Then I said, “Ding Dong? I want you to shit on his fucking face!” She promptly obliged my request. After that I told Brutus and Hercules to ride both of these two cock suckers out into the middle of Gater Swamp and dump them out, then to sink their fucking Beamer into Wood Booger Bayou.
After dat I had one of my black boys clean up the mess. I went home and went to bed. That was the last time I seen them Diden boys. Good riddance, ya know what I am sayin? Ha ha ha!! What a couple of stupid fuckers, thinking they can do whatever they fucking please with no consequences. Fuck that!!
It weren’t long after that occurrence that I started having IRS problems. Heh heh heh!! Motherfuckers!! But I had my ace in da hole that old Joey did not know about. All I had to do was drop dime on a couple of swarthy drug king pins and PRESTO!! Not only am I a free man, but the feds are putting me up at their expense!!

I don't know why I still try with my mom. It hurts so bad every time. I feel like I get so close to a working relationship with her, and always, every time, she does something or says something that is so cruel and unfeeling that I question why I ever tried to mend the relationship in the first place.
Take 10 minutes ago. I am in town for my grandmother's funeral. Normally I am very far from their southern American town, and I limit communication to only a few texts every couple weeks, if that. I usually stop texting when the pro-Trump conspiracies or pro-Israel rants come out. Btw, all Palestinians are basically Hamas! Did you know? Because I didn't! Lol. It's nuts. Oh and the students protesting at Columbia University (I live in NYC) they are antisemites determined to not let Jewish students get into any buildings, it's nuts(I know several people currently protesting. I'm in the protest chats on Lex. It's confirmed that about a 3rd of those protesters are members of the Jewish Student Union, fyi.)
So they're kind of nuts. I have been conditioned to look past this.
Anyways. 10 minutes ago. I put on 80’s music while I made dinner with my mom, so I could drown out some depression thoughts I've been having whilst here. I have been pretty emotionally shut down for the past 4 days of being here, so as to not let myself get hurt. I feel like a zombie. Every time I have to be around them the thoughts come back. Anyways. The 80’s music always puts my mom in a good mood and has her dancing. So I think, maybe, since she's in a good mood, maybe I can talk about setting a boundary with her.
To set up the boundary, I am a skilled singer. I have been since I was 4. And since I was 4, my parents really enjoyed “showponying” me: having me sing for their friends and strangers wherever we went. At every party. Restaurants. Gatherings. You name it. They were so proud of me, and they want to show off those voice lessons that they paid for.
Obviously, when I entered my incredibly emotional puberty era, it became all too much. I begged them to stop. I would get so embarrassed when they asked me to sing, that I would have to find a bathroom and cry and hide for hours. I would tell them I couldn't handle it right now. I was going through a lot – “friends” bullying me, horrible menses, a fun little eating disorder. “You're being selfish, we paid for those voice lessons, you better show them off!!!” That was painful to hear. It's still painful to hear till this day, because my mother will never drop it. I'm 30 now and she can't let it go.
(Btw, this is a small event out of hundreds of larger, more hurtful events. Physically hurtful events.)
So we're singing. Well, I'm fake singing and she knows it. I'm just trying to show that I am enjoying the moment so she doesn't make a comment like “if you're going to be so depressed around us then why come at all?” She starts trying some high notes, and asks me to teach her. I freeze up, that emotional PTSD hitting me in the damn face. I REALLY want to hide in the hallway bathroom. I try to work through it and “teach” her. She says “show me!” And I ignore it. No more singing from me.
We finish dinner, eat with my Dad, and all are still in a relatively good mood, thank God. My dad and I are talking while my mom is distracted, and I actually think we had a constructive conversation where I set a real (unrelated)boundary. My dad is a much better listener than my mom. So I've built up some confidence.
My mom is singing a little while playing her phone game. I am cleaning up the table, and I tell her, “You know I would love to sing with you if you weren't weird about it, I actually love to sing” (bad choice of words)
Mom: “What! When have I ever been weird about you singing”
Me: “Do you know what showponying is?” (Btw I have defined showpony for her about once a year. To be fair it's not commonly used in this way, unless you're an improviser. The real phrase that I want to say is that she “pimps me out” but she would be very distracted by the use of the ‘curse word’, “pimp”.)
Mom: “No, did you make that word up?”
Me: “Well it's when you ask someone to do something, like sing, for others, just for your own enjoyment, without caring whether the singer wants to or not”
Mom: “oh my GOSH, STOP!! WHEN have I ever done that to you!!!!”
Me: “Yesterday (at a family gathering), the day before(a different but similar family gathering), and also the day before that(when I was trying to practice privately for a song I was singing at my grandmother's funeral). I really don't like it and it hurts my feelings. If you promised to stop I would sing with you whenever you want! I'd be happy to”
Mom: (shuts down at this suggestion) “I do not do that to you ever. Of course you can turn any conversation negative. I'm done talking, leave me alone so I can play my game. I'm tired and I don't want to deal with that nonsense right now”
I want to push back so bad. I know it's hopeless.
Me: “Well, I'm just trying to set a boundary with you so we can have a better relationship…”
Mom: “Just stop. I can't handle your negativity.”
Me: “well I'm sorry but you were the one who made it negative”
She walks away.
I'm so messed up now. I am a 30 year old grown ass woman and I am on the floor of our hallway bathroom just bawling my eyes out. Why do I try?? Why do I think things will change????
Because I have hope that I can one day have a relationship with them. I'm so jealous of my best friend, who tells her mom everything. I just wish I had that.
It's stupid and I know I have to stop, but I also know that I'm addicted to trying at this point. Is anyone else here still trying? Can anyone relate? Or is it just too foolish.
UPDATE: she went looking for me. Calling my name throughout the house. I am choked up with tears, and she HATES it when I cry. She gets so angry. So I don't say anything. I let her walk throughout the house screaming my name. She gets to the hallway bathroom where I am. She discovers it's locked, and goes to get something to unlock it. I pull myself together. While she's picking the lock I tell her to stop, that I don't feel good. She asks if it's my stomach. I told her no. She says "Wow. Well okay then, just wanted to say goodnight but I guess not" and she walks away. 😭 Why didn't I just say it was my stomach. I had a way out. But I wanted to see if she might say something to comfort me. I don't know when I will give up, please pray that I do.
TLDR: Mom likes to force me to sing. I ask her to stop because it hurts my feelings. She gaslights me again, says she's never done that, and insinuates that I have hurt HER feelings by saying that. I know I shouldn't try to work things out with a narcissist...but I know I'll go back to her out of dumb hope and I hate myself for it. It's just sad that I feel like a piece of me is missing without her. Please tell me that someone can relate.
UPDATE for the 19 people interested: I showed her this conversation that I typed out, because we were talking about it today and I just wanted to make sure I'm being accurate when I show it to my therapist. Apparently I lied about every other thing that she and I said! So no one can trust me. I can't even trust me! I'm making everything up and I had no idea until just now. So I'm sorry if I lied to everyone I guess. /s

Posting this here because I can't find my normal abusive parents subreddit, I guess I'm too messed up to remember the name. So if you see this post twice, I apologize.<

I don't know why I still try with my mom. It hurts so bad every time. I feel like I get so close to a working relationship with her, and always, every time, she does something or says something that is so cruel and unfeeling that I question why I ever tried to mend the relationship in the first place.
Take 10 minutes ago. I am in town for my grandmother's funeral. Normally I am very far from their southern American town, and I limit communication to only a few texts per week, if that. I usually stop texting when the pro-Trump conspiracies or pro-Israel rants come out. Btw, all Palestinians are basically Hamas! Did you know? Because I didn't! Lol. It's nuts. Oh and the students protesting at Columbia University (I live in NYC) they are antisemites determined to not let Jewish students get into any buildings, it's nuts(I know several people currently protesting. I'm in the protest chats on Lex. It's confirmed that about a 3rd of those protesters are members of the Jewish Student Union, fyi.)
So they're kind of nuts. I have been conditioned to look past this.
Anyways. 10 minutes ago. I put on 80’s music while I made dinner with my mom, so I could drown out some depression thoughts I've been having whilst here. I have been pretty emotionally shut down for the past 4 days of being here, so as to not let myself get hurt. I feel like a zombie. Every time I have to be around them the thoughts come back. Anyways. The 80’s music always puts my mom in a good mood and has her dancing. So I think, maybe, since she's in a good mood, maybe I can talk about setting a boundary with her.
To set up the boundary, I am a skilled singer. I have been since I was 4. And since I was 4, my parents really enjoyed “showponying” me: having me sing for their friends and strangers wherever we went. At every party. Restaurants. Gatherings. You name it. They were so proud of me, and they want to show off those voice lessons that they paid for.
Obviously, when I entered my incredibly emotional puberty era, it became all too much. I begged them to stop. I would get so embarrassed when they asked me to sing, that I would have to find a bathroom and cry and hide for hours. I would tell them I couldn't handle it right now. I was going through a lot – “friends” bullying me, horrible menses, a fun little eating disorder. “You're being selfish, we paid for those voice lessons, you better show them off!!!” That was painful to hear. It's still painful to hear till this day, because my mother will never drop it. I'm 30 now and she can't let it go.
(Btw, this is a small event out of hundreds of larger, more hurtful events. Physically hurtful events.)
So we're singing. Well, I'm fake singing and she knows it. I'm just trying to show that I am enjoying the moment so she doesn't make a comment like “if you're going to be so depressed around us then why come at all?” She starts trying some high notes, and asks me to teach her. I freeze up, that emotional PTSD hitting me in the damn face. I REALLY want to hide in the hallway bathroom. I try to work through it and “teach” her. She says “show me!” And I ignore it. No more singing from me.
We finish dinner, eat with my Dad, and all are still in a relatively good mood, thank God. My dad and I are talking while my mom is distracted, and I actually think we had a constructive conversation where I set a real (unrelated)boundary. My dad is a much better listener than my mom. So I've built up some confidence.
My mom is singing a little while playing her phone game. I am cleaning up the table, and I tell her, “You know I would love to sing with you if you weren't weird about it, I actually love to sing” (bad choice of words)
Mom: “What! When have I ever been weird about you singing”
Me: “Do you know what showponying is?” (Btw I have defined showpony for her about once a year. To be fair it's not commonly used in this way, unless you're an improviser. The real phrase that I want to say is that she “pimps me out” but she would be very distracted by the use of the ‘curse word’, “pimp”.)
Mom: “No, did you make that word up?”
Me: “Well it's when you ask someone to do something, like sing, for others, just for your own enjoyment, without caring whether the singer wants to or not”
Mom: “oh my GOSH, STOP!! WHEN have I ever done that to you!!!!”
Me: “Yesterday (at a family gathering), the day before(a different but similar family gathering), and also the day before that(when I was trying to practice privately for a song I was singing at my grandmother's funeral). I really don't like it and it hurts my feelings. If you promised to stop I would sing with you whenever you want! I'd be happy to”
Mom: (shuts down at this suggestion) “I do not do that to you ever. Of course you can turn any conversation negative. I'm done talking, leave me alone so I can play my game. I'm tired and I don't want to deal with that nonsense right now”
I want to push back so bad. I know it's hopeless.
Me: “Well, I'm just trying to set a boundary with you so we can have a better relationship…”
Mom: “Just stop. I can't handle your negativity.”
Me: “well I'm sorry, but actually you were the one who made it negative, I was just trying to solve a problem...”
She walks away.
I'm so messed up now. I'm a 30 year old grown ass woman and I am on the floor of our hallway bathroom just bawling my eyes out. Why do I try?? Why do I think things will change????
Because I have hope that I can one day have a relationship with them. I'm so jealous of my best friend, who tells her mom everything. I just wish I had that.
It's stupid and I know I have to stop, but I also know that I'm addicted to trying at this point. Is anyone else here still trying? Can anyone relate? Or is it just too foolish.

Yesterday I happened to turn on an old fanmade best-of compilation and it made me so happy and nostalgic that I decided it will be good for my soul to go back and experience it all from the beginning. As AH slowly wound down and faded, I didn't realize exactly how big of a positive impact that watching AH in their hayday had on my life. I miss it so much. I realized that there was a huge part of my heart missing.
While watching the compilation, I found that I won't remember 99% of the content, having only seen it all once as it came out over the years. Even the bits I see that I do remember will be exciting to see again. "Oh yeah it's THIS episode!" Or "this is where this happens, heck yeah"
I'm thinking more and more about just how much content there is to rediscover. I have so much to look forward to:
Minecraft with their competitions for the Tower of Pimps, Sky Factory, and everything else
GTA with the airport nonsense, cunning stunt races, parkour challenges, heists, muggings, and general chaos
Worms and their stupid names and funny self-destructive mishaps
Gmod murder games and TTT
Play pals
Golf games...
There's SO much! The only downside is that certain other members will be present through it all, but I will still think back on the good times.

DISCLAIMER:
This is mostly me venting and ranting with a little bit of satisfaction at the end.
OK, welcome. Thanks for following the clickbait title that is actualy not clickbait, but will develop quite different from what you expect.
This takes place in Viena, 05.05.2007 (Yes, I did note that date down)
I just finished my apprenticeship in the metal industry, got a job at the lower end of the average payment for this job and had a little side-hustle as a drink server. Basicaly; I was the guy in those stalls serving beer and coke and all, to pimp my income a bit.
I literaly worked my ass off for this side hustle, because if you did good work, you get to choose a working spot on the realy good gigs. Elton John, Brian Addams, Pink, you name it; see them life, front seat AND earn a little bit of money. Yeah, sure, you need to actualy serve drinks and do actual work and all, but thats not as much of a downer as one might think; especialy during the big songs there is allmost no customers. Because, well, they listen to the big songs. Dream-deal for then 23 year old me, if there ever was one.
So, Thats the general situation. 050507 was a very special thing; Metalica. In Viena. An my team ( I was not team leader, but my team leader landet us the spot) where planed for the stall aaaal the way back. This means: low amount of customers and a perfect view for the stage.
However, shit happens; After we had just prepared the stall my boss droped by and basicaly draged me out of the stall, because I was a relieable and hard worker. So, I was relocated to the center stall. In front of the stage. The place that was avoidet like hell by everybody for obvious reasons.
Now its time to talk a bit about pricing policy in these stalls;

• 1 Big beer (1L) -> 9.80€
• 1 Small beer (0.5L) -> 5.00E
• 1 Softdrink (Coke, Fanta, Sprite etc...) (0.5L) -> 3.20€
• 1 Water (0.2L) -> 1.20€

Also, there was a pawn-system in place:

• 1L cup -> 1.00€
• 0.5L cup -> 0.60€
• 0.2L cup -> 0.20€

So, I was there, in literal service-hell, working my ass off to server customers, when one of the customers... well, took out his shlong and peed into the stall. I was just in shock, looked him in the eyes and he just stared back. I skiped serving him.
And then... A person that looks like a Kevin appears. As far as I remember, his order happend like this;
"I would like to have 3 big beer, 2 small beer, 3 coke, 2 waters... and no, scratch 2 of the big beers and make them small. Also switch 2 cokes with a big beer. And no Water, replace the water with lemonade. And in addition I like to have 2 more small beers... (this did keep going for quite a while, rapid-fire-style, while he handet in return-pawn-cups and droped a literal shitton of coins on the counter)
My brain was in overdrive, calculating returned cups versus given out cups. And then, a random Karen appears, voicing her Opinion;
"If you are too stupid for basic math just Quit!"
...and... thats what I did. I picked up all the smallchange money coins they put on the table, droped them into the pawn-cups they handet over to me, returned it all and walked away. Kevin Screamed at me: "What are we supposed to do now?"
Angerd, exhausted and just over with it all, I replied:
"Ask that guy!", while pointing to the guy who had his dodo still hanging out and standing in a puddle of his own pee.
I searched out my Boss and told him that I quit. He rejected and insisted that I take a break. Kevin and Karen screching from the top of theire lungs while Metalica started "Nothing Else Maters" was the icing on the cake.. looking back, it was an exhausting day... but a good one, after all.