The perfect situp

This isn't anything specific but I just need to rant. I've always been the "fat kid," since I can remember one of my favorite things was to eat food that tastes good. At some point in high school I was 250lbs but I've gotten down to around 200lbs since, can't say what exactly cause home weights aren't 100% accurate but usually reads around the 205 mark. I don't look it, I have a belly and big thighs and a bit of a double chin, my stomach stands about an inch or so out from my chest when I stand profile. I wear size 36 pants, XL shirts (tho could probably fit into an L, I just like my shirts a little baggielonger). What I'm saying is I'm on a weird cusp of fat enough to be fat but far from your imaginined fat guy.
I know my issue, I eat like a pig. I love food, I can't lie. I have some mental issues so I guess foods always been a comfort for me, but man I feel guilty eating anymore. I worry every year about problems I don't actually have. I fit on roller coasters and in 1 airplane seat, and I've always had good friends and never felt like my weight super contributed to my dating life, no more than other issues. I'm in just a bad state where I know it could be worse, but i can't look in the mirror without just seeing... fat. I feel like I look fatter than other guys around my weight. At my lowest moments I Google "5'11 200/250lbs guy" to see how I compare to them. Idk. Maybe I'm being 200 lbs wrong.
It's definitely effected how I view myself. I don't like to approach people first, I worry about coming off as creepy or weird. I don't think anyone else could ever find my pretty or desirable. It makes me scared to go to things sometimes, I'm either the fat guy by themself or the fat friend. But again it could be worse. But it's what it is.
I try to do 3 sets of 10 situps daily as often as I can, if I'm not too tired from work or just too lazy. I doubt it helps much. I sometimes. walk/run on a treadmill trying to burn 200 calories if I can, that's new this year, haven't for a bit (mix of trips, work and general depression) but I did it. I'm not putting as much into fixing it as I can, I know, but just... it's hard man. When you're a 19 year old trans person taking a gap semester you got other things on your mind I guess. Maybe that's not an excuse, maybe I'm just lazy.
I'm not asking for anything, I just need to rant. I hate looking like this, being like this, I worry every year pants won't fit me anymore or I won't fit on roller coasters or whatever. I know body dysmorphia is a thing and I can't tell if I'm that fat or I just hate myself that much. I just feel like I'm in the perfect middle spot to be fat and have all those issues, but not so fat that it's... I guess important? I barely got any thoughts together here just... I don't know anymore man. It's rough.

So, when i was young (12ish) i was already overweight. I wasnt when i was still an actual kid. I was swimming competitive about 4-5 days a week since i was like 4 and also just a very active 12-16 yr old. Skating, running, hiking, i was always up and running. I was always badly overweight and bullied too.
At 14 i decided to do one of those shake diets. I thought they shakes were so gross, i decided just skip the shakes and just eat diner (,bc mom would notice) and less and less dinner. Turned into a terrible eating disorder. At 16 i was not home a lot, i moved out for school reasons and i got by for about a year on an apple a day . I wasnt losing more weight and i was never underweight. I felt huge and fat. I also worked out like crazy crazy. Situps every hour for instance.
Anyways. At 20 i was pregnant and decided that i couldnt do this to myself. I had traveld for a year before that and eventho i barely ate, i gained weight super easily and was up 5-10 kg (which was a lot on me from 60-65 kg). I was eating good when pregnant and gained like a mf. Ended the pregnancy in 95 kg. Lost it "easy" the first few kg then when she was 6 months old started working out like crazy and eating healthy for about ,3 yrs but i never got to a "health" Weight. Best i could do was around 75-79 kg which was very hard and literally one bad meal away from going up. Im 171cm.
I couldnt afford the gym anymore and with that kinda stopped looking at the scale, mostly because i didn't get "where i needed to be" anyway. I felt super fat and disusting but i loved my kid. In a year i weughed about 85kg aavagrge but i stayed there with normal eating and little workouts (but always loads of walking) btw i was a single mom all that time
And then my life took a turn, when my kid was almost 4, i met someone. We had two more kids pretty fast (hes older,) and after those two kids incannot lose more than 2-3kg just to gain it back. I lost willpower bc i saw that doing it perfect didn't work at all.
I followed a perfect diet for 3 months. Weight fluctuates between. 92-96 but i "needed" at 93,5 and decided the constant keep up with what im eating, logging everything and also therefor feeling terrible for everything i ate, was doing me terribly. I felt the same way when i was eating only an apple. So i stopped. I eat normal now. I stopped crazy working out and just walking and small workouts when i have time.
And i thought "this is good".
Untill i hit the scale. 97,5.
Ive always hated the whole "just eat healthy and workout" i eat less then most people i known. I know bc im obsessed with what i and others eat.
I love my kids and being a mom but i cant help but be so sad and stressed about my weight. It doesn't let me go. I cant his those 100, i would rather die. But i said that about 80 and 90 kg too. I cant just keep gaining. I hate myself.

17m here. I met a Navy recruiter and we discussed about the SpecWarfare program. While I do really want to be a medic/corpsman, SpecWar seems really interesting to me and I've started focusing a lot more on my fitness. However I've come across some problems
Stats:
HS Junior
5'7
131 lbs
American/North Indian (I dunno know if my race/ethnicity will affect me)
I currently am injured, with a TFCC injury in my left wrist. It's been about 3 months. I can't really figure out a way to heal it, so I just ice and keep it strapped when working out.
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Pushups: I can get about 48 in 3 minutes, sets of 10 with 20 second breaks in between. Throughout the whole day, I do about 200 pushups, but I'm struggling on how to break past 49 pushups in under 2 minutes. Due to my TFCC injury, I've had to do fist pushups, and even use dumbells to support me better. I really want to increase my pushups in less time.
Pullups: I don't really have access to a pullup bar, so I have to make-do with monkeybars at a local playground, and the bar is really thick. I can get about 5, with 1 minute break in between sets. I'm very new to these, so I'm guessing practice will make perfect
Situps: I can get about 36 in 1 min 30 sec, but my tailbone gives me some problems around 29 situps. I want to aim for 55 by the end of this month.
Running: I'm a cross country and track and field distance runner. My avg mile time is 8:09, but on good days 7:35. I've been eating a lot more ever since I started going to the gym, so bloating sets in a lot for me when running.
Swimming: I drowned 6 years ago. My family is poor, and we don't have access to a swimming pool or swimming lessons. I'm determined, but at the same time scared since I never went back in the water ever since I drowned. I haven't mentioned this to my recruiter, though I probably should.
Mental Health: I'm being abused everyday. My brother beats me and my parents also. I've been holding in my anger everyday for since the age of 8, and really, just want to get out of the house and never see these people again. I want to hard reset my life. Fitness has given me something to look forward to, but I'm afraid that my circumstances will affect me later on in bootcamp if I make it. I don't want help from enforcement either. I'm almost gonna be 18, and soon I'll be gone.
Any advice would be awesome. I understand that the point I am currently at, I'm nowhere close. But I want to get in to the SpecWar program. I apologize if it sounds l'm making excuses with everything I wrote. It's just the way I talk, to sort of reflect off my current self.

WARNING VERY LONG: JUST SKIP TO CAPITALIZED SECTIONS TO GET TO MOST RELEVANT PARTS, BUT I PROVIDE ALL THIS FOR CONTEXT ON HER BEHAVIOR AND YES I AM MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER.
I can't believe I'm writing this. I am not using a throwaway either. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. It's the longest and most serious relationship I have ever had by far. It is not her first relationship of this length, and the guy she dated before me had 3 kids she played stepmom for. She ultimately ended up cheating on him for 6 months with an ex of hers and then eventually broke up with him. She told me all this and said because of how bad she felt by it she would never ever cheat ever again. As far as I am aware she has kept that promise. We throughout our relationship have lived in separate houses. I have a roommate but have the master bedroom, while she has a standalone apartment separate from her mom's house. She works as a server. When she met me I was working out 6 days a week, building muscle heavily. I was at 6'0 tall and put on up to 190 lbs, mostly muscle but definitely fat in there since I was bulking. About 8 months into dating, I started to become a lot more irritable, tired all the time, feeling lazy and unmotivated to a pathological degree. I didn't know why, but I did suffer panic attacks for the first time 2 years prior to dating her for inexplicable reasons that would occur every day spontaneously. I fixed it with diet, or so I thought, until one day it came back around this period of time while dating her at the 8 month mark. This would continue off and on for several months until I started also getting stomach pains and was tested and diagnosed for h pylori. Those of you who don't know h pylori can sometimes be difficult to treat and can cause a whole heap of neurological symptoms such as anxiety, depression, muscle loss, eye problems, weakness, tiredness, exercise intolerance, hormonal issues / mood swings, avoidant. etc.
THIS SECTION IS MOSTLY ABOUT H PYLORI AND HOW IT HAS AFFECTED ME / US LATER BUT YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART:
This of course is happening during the peak of the pandemic in Dec 2020, where I have additional reason to feel anxious. She (30 at the time) told me she wanted me to start working again and start applying to jobs or else she will break up with me as she wants to have a family soon and doesn't feel like I would be a good fit in my current state. I decided to treat the h pylori naturally with herbs, teas, diet, and oils, and my symptoms rapidly improved. My anxiety came down and my gut stopped hurting and I got a job in sales soon after with her support and motivation. I ended up being wildly successful and making a LOT of money very quickly over most the year in 2021. Despite, I still had symptoms come and go in waves of h pylori (I never got retested to see if it was gone, I just assumed it was). Until one on a trip, that had been particularly turbulent due to a mix of my inability to maintain emotional stability and snapping at her for things I felt were common sense, and anxiety. It all came to a point where I realized I was still significantly sick as we went to an amusement park and when I tried riding a roller coaster (that I had enjoyed and been on plenty of times before) I had for lack of a better term a "shell shocked" experience. It was probably the MOST traumatic experience I have ever had. My heart felt like it was stopped the entire time, tears streamed down, I was screaming in agony, not excitement, the entire ride. By the time it was off I looked exactly how a soldier would look crawling out of a foxhole after being shelled the entire night and seeing a few of his friends blow up. It felt like that. My heart rate maintained a steady 135 the entire day no matter what I did it did not calm down (it normally is around 60 when I'm sitting). This all was from h pylori and I didn't know for sure at the time still. I went and tried to continue anyway with my sales job when we got back home and still managed to make a few more sales, but I was struggling to make it through these appointments. Eventually I had to excuse myself multiple times during these appointments as I was starting to have panic attacks / hypoglycemic episodes (even while on a keto diet with no diabetes) and feeling like I was on the verge of collapsing at any moment with brain zaps that would take away my train of thought. I eventually couldn't make it through the appointments any more after 3 failed appointments in a row due to this. I decided to take a break to focus on my health and went and got retested for h pylori again, still positive. I decided to hire a naturopath of sorts to help me finally get rid of it. I'll cut to the chase and just say I spent a year with him and tens of thousands of dollars on supplements, tests, and his monthly appointments and I saw minimal improvement and was still testing positive. I lost ALL my muscle and became skinnier than I have ever been in my life as I fell down to 154 lbs. My anxiety came down a bit, among other symptoms, but whenever I stopped taking the massive amounts of supplements my symptoms would come back and everything would go to crap again. Not to mention the supplements themselves weren't making me feel too great either. I had exercise intolerance and doing any kind of exercise, even some pushups and situps, would cause me to feel an unholy extreme amount of fatigue that would last for 36 hours, like I couldn't even keep my head up or think about anything kind of fatigue. This was pretty much my entire year of 2022. I barely remember much of it if I'm being perfectly honest. I'm surprised she stayed the whole time but I could tell she was getting quite tired of it and starting to check out.
RELEVANT PARTS TO TODAY:
2023 came around and I finally started to get some progress with natural treatments but I still wanted to avoid antibiotics (stupid of me). My GF, now 33 at this time, and I were having a lot of issues by this point. She was having sincere doubts as I basically hadn't worked for an entire year now and was telling me she wanted to break up. I managed to convince her not to as I'm so close to getting better, or so I thought, and once I get better I can be a better boyfriend, start earning an income, start going on dates again. We even made a list of desires we want in a partner and what we don't want, and we had a lot of things in alignment, although some were misaligned I didn't feel them to be significant difference enough. I knew she was on a biological clock as she wants kids and so do I. She had told me early on the limitation of this circumstance. She had stuck with me for 2 years now at this point despite me not working for half of it. Luckily I had made so much money I was able to live off it as I mostly lived frugally except for my expensive natural treatments. But it seems our time was coming to an end considering she was breaking up with me on average every 3 months.
We ended up going back and forth often, with her breaking up with me (or at least trying to) and me doing something convincing enough to change her mind. Whether it was seducing her, listening to her grievances, having a heart to heart all night discussion about our relationship, or just being apart for a few days, or even weeks, before coming back together again. We ended up breaking up for good in August 2023 however. And she meant it for real this time. She wanted to work on herself among other things. During this time I decided to have no contact with her, told her I knew what I needed to do, and that I would be working on myself. This was easier to do as I had been working on my h pylori naturally this whole year and felt some significant improvements, or so I thought. I started finally able to work out in the gym again, eating more, getting the calories I needed to get more muscle again. Started to try to make connections for my sales job again. All the things started to fall in place. I was missing her the whole time, and she apparently was missing me too. She would sometimes call or text me randomly but I would always ignore them and not respond. Eventually, after a month of being broken up, she said she was going to come over to drop some stuff off and requested to see me in person when she did. She didn't date during this time, however I may have gone on a couple dates but nothing more than once nor anything ever came from them. She ended up staying the night and we had a great time and we decided we'd work on things again, especially since she saw the progress I was making as she noticed more muscle on me and knew I was working on my job again, or at least starting to get the ball rolling.
However, this all came to a screeching halt once again when I got sick with some other weird illness in October 2023, just a few weeks after we got back together. I ended up having this extreme fatigue likely viral infection that would not go away. It lasted for 4 weeks and it was insane. I felt like I could sleep all day and could barely lift my water bottle to drink, while also having no appetite. I still to this day do not know what this was but ever since this happened she started to pull away again. This is now 3 1/2 years into the relationship and I've been sick for pretty much all of it, with only pockets of time where I was not suffering from some ill effects of something. I don't blame her for wanting to pull away and being tired. I know she finds me attractive and loves me, but is also disappointed and believes that we are not a good fit, likely due to my avoidance and general malaise presence I've more or less inherited from the h pylori. I was not always like this, I was really never like this before. H pylori really messes you up if your particular case starts causing havoc in other areas of your body, including your brain with emotions, hormones, thoughts, and behaviors.
I eventually came out of it in December 2023 feeling better and re committed to being better and stopped taking my natural supplements that I had been taking for almost 6 months straight in order to retest. I was certain after following many different studies on different potential or possible natural treatments that this would work this time! Well it didn't. But what is annoying is you have to wait 4 weeks of no supplements in order to get an accurate test result. Usually I'll start to develop symptoms before then due to stopping the supplements, but still need to take the test to be sure it's gone (or still there). I finally tested positive again in the end of January. I decided that I would finally look into taking antibiotics and did a bunch of research on that. During this time we were doing well but I could feel my symptoms coming on again, I could feel myself losing control of my thoughts and emotions and slowly the anxiety started coming back again, the irritability came back, my inability to get good sleep or feel rested slowly came back. Along with it my general positive mood slowly slipped away and became unobtainable. I told her that I needed a bit of time, that I would beat this, but it is something she has heard time and time again for 3 1/2 years now. I told her I would take the antibiotics and they don't take 3 months to see significant improvement, it would only be 2 weeks! I told her just hold on and give me patience. She reluctantly agreed.
THIS IS THE PART THAT REALLY STARTS TO KICK OFF AND IS MINDFUCKING ME HARD RIGHT NOW
I then started the antibiotics the end of february and they were not as bad as I was expecting to be. I did have some anxiety episodes here and there but nothing too bad compared to before. About 8 days into the 14 day antibiotic therapy she tells me she wants to break up. I practically beg her not to as I told her I'm so close to being done with this once and for all and we can just live our lives finally but she didn't seem convinced. We had long all night discussions about everything and eventually she told me she met someone that she's interested in. I want to remind you all that I haven't really taken her on many dates throughout our entire relationship due to my illness. Most dates were her suggestions, I can probably count on two hands the numbers of times I suggested a place or created an idea that WASN'T just going to each other's houses for dinner or movie or something like that throughout all 4 years of our relationship. We just didn't go out and it was mostly because I couldn't eat most things due to my stomach and lack of finances but also the avoidance aspect of anxiety plus covid (not anxiety just from covid either but it didn't help, I had anxiety in any new situation due to my h pylori).
So she tells me she met someone a couple times out and about and they exchanged numbers. He took her out for dinner and she really enjoyed herself and then she told me she wanted to break up. I told her how I would be the best boyfriend I could be and be the man I want to be finally as I've been plagued by this illness for so long and I'm finally going to get rid of it with the antibiotics I should have taken a long time ago! She ends up sticking to her guns and saying no. We talk the next day on the phone and I tell her I have a date for the night (which was true). I met her on bumble. I only revealed this to her because we had been on the phone for a long time with mostly me trying to convince her to reconsider due to the circumstances. I eventually tell her fine I guess I'm gonna agree to go on this date tonight and told her I had to rush to get ready. This set a fire in her and she started crying and telling me that she understood and how deeply sad she felt but knew it was fair for me to do this now. She told me she was sick to her stomach and began dry heaving and hung up. I began getting ready for the date. She ends up texting me that she wishes she could just bang on my chest and beg me not to go and fix our relationship, I texted her back that I wish she would. She calls me while I'm in the shower and directly tells me she doesn't want me to go and wants to go out with me instead, and that she should be the one to go out with me after all we've been through. I said sure. She said she wanted to go to this jazz music concert thing and I said sure. We end up meeting there and I pay for the tickets (she knows I don't have money, this is just credit card debt at this point). We had a nice time filled with laughter, cute glances, kisses, and cuddles. We ended up getting dinner after, something we hadn't done in a very long time, and it was filled with more lustful interactions. I take her back home to my place and she stays the night and we end up being intimate that night and again in the morning. She leaves happy to go to work the next day. Things seem like they are falling into place. However the next day she tells me she is still interested in this other guy and she cannot decide. I tell her I'll decide for you and I'll just tell you to go with him because I'm not going to wait around for you to date someone while dating me. She realizes that was bad thing to ask and takes it back, but doesn't say for sure she wants me or not and I just hang up. She ends up begging me to talk to her and rushes over to my house unannounced and plays a very sentimental album that I showed her, she says she thinks of me every time while hearing it and it is her favorite album. She asked to cuddle and listen to it with me. She cried though most of it and apologized and said she wanted to make the relationship work. She said how about 3 months (which is what I suggested earlier to get my life back in order after taking antibiotics as I hoped I would be better by then and start working again). I said sure but I also felt resentful to her and ultimately said I was not as interested any more after she made me cancel a date with someone else, but then still tell me she wants to go on a date herself with another man. She ended up staying the night and we were intimate in the morning. I thought we'd work things out but then I saw a text on her phone from the guy when she was leaving. I didn't know him personally but found his information and who he was. He's basically a very wealth business owner in a field that she really likes and is passionate about. He is older (40) and divorced with 2 kids, but is a big presence in the area we live in and is well known. She told me I am more physically attractive and taller than him, if that counts for anything. But obviously she likes that he has money and is established in a field that she has interest in, and I'm sure he's not a bad guy either.
Anyway, the next day she calls me again and begs me to try to make it work and tells me how she wishes she had been more "all-in" in the relationship and wishes she could have been there more for me and etc. And wants to see my shine and grow and beat this and live happily and she wanted to reap the reward of being through the worst sides of me, the worst chapter of my life truly due to my h pylori illness (which may have been other gut bugs in addition to h pylori that also caused massive issues). I push her away at first but then after sleeping on it I called her the next morning telling her I want to commit fully and she agreed and said let's do 3 months. She said she then called the guy she had been on a date with and said she can't see him anymore. then about 3 days later, on Saturday, she ends up texting him while she was nearby for a work related event and asks him to meet her for lunch (she didn't tell me this til about 5 days after this happened). She said she didn't kiss him but allowed him to put his arm around her and hold her hand briefly. We had made plans to hang out during the week but she started to become more distant in text by Sunday. On Monday afternoon she was giving short dismissive responses. on text, if any. She ended up dropping a note off at my house that I didn't find til much later that was essentially a break up letting and telling me that the last week had been a mistake, but still was meaningful and was nice to have but ultimately she was doing it for the wrong reasons, which were comfort and fear of disliking her for leaving. I ended up immediately driving over to her house again and talked to her about it. She was not having it. I thought we had just recommitted to at least 3 months I told her I just needed time and to just let me take her out on some dates, something I haven't done in so long, but she said it's too late. At this point she told me about how she texted the guy to meet up that saturday a few days ago, despite her saying she was not gonna talk to him anymore. She then told me she had plans to meet him again on wednesday night for dinner. I was furious. I told her I wanted to take her out tuesday night but she said no. Eventually we continued to talk and I was trying to understand how she could flip flop so much in such a short time frame. We ended up staying up most the night and I eventually just collapsed. I told her before I fell asleep that if she meets him on wednesday, then I would be blocking her on everything, I would never speak to her again, I would be completely done with her and that she would effectively not exist any more to me. She then became nervous about the prospect of losing me forever and didn't want to say she would continue on, but eventually she said she would choose him over me and I said fine, and proceeded to block her on all account and her number while she slept inches from me. She tried to be flirty and cuddle with me in defiance but I pushed her away and went to sleep. The next morning, now Tuesday, I immediately put on my clothes and walked out the door. Upon seeing me leave she sprung up quickly and confronted me, telling me to wait, but I ignored it and kept walking. I made it out far enough to almost be out of view, hoping she would try to stop me, but she didn't. I caved and walked back without her yelling, but her intense gaze still on me. We ended up talking more about everything and she was clearly flustered and conflicted with the gravity of what might about to happen. After some time we ended up cuddling before I'd leave, but this of course turned into intimacy, but this time it was... VERY intense. Like very intense love making that eventually had us both looking into each other's eyes yelling "I love you" over and over and we ended up going again just minutes after the first time, and it was equally passionate and intense. We held each other and kissed each other for some time and then we both had to leave. I asked once more on her driveway if I could take her out tonight for dinner and she said if I really want to respect and honor her and to work on our relationship then I need to respect that she was tired ( we were up pretty much all night). She however agreed to get breakfast with me Wednesday morning instead. We text throughout the night about what we want on Tuesday night and it seemed like she was again wanting to make the relationship work, but was obviously not as convinced but at least willing to cautiously try. I ended up meeting her for breakfast on wednesday morning and spent the day walking around the different shops downtown and making light conversation and jokes. It was pleasant and she was affectionate, kissing me and holding my hand most of the time. Eventually she had to leave for a hair appointment, and I asked her if she was still planning on meeting that guy tonight for dinner? Her hands got sweaty and she looked visibly nervous and said nothing for what seemed like an eternity, I thought she didn't hear me so I asked again. She said 'yes I plan on keeping those plans'. She said she had been desiring this and felt pulled to do this and felt that if she didn't she'd be betraying herself, like she has every time we got back together almost as quickly as we broke up. She felt like she was not able to trust her own instincts or betraying herself by never following through and so decided she would follow through on this one. I'm obviously very insecure about this as this guy is very wealthy and established and well known. She basically told me that the last 10 days had been crazy hectic up and down and although they were meaningful she had that intense love making session with me when she was basically sleep deprived and not thinking as clearly she said. Despite this she said she still wanted to go roller skating with me Thursday evening, a plan we had made days ago. She said she was really looking forward to it and I asked her if she'd still want to go regardless of what happened on her date tonight, and she said yes. I tried to play it cool, as yelling at her that I didn't want her to go didn't really work. I decided that I couldn't argue at this point, and she was already running late for her hair appointment. I hated the fact that she was getting her hair done and would be presenting it to him and not me. She kissed me with tongue for like 30 seconds before leaving while I grabbed her butt then she got in the car, I kissed her hand and told her I love you, she replied back after some hesitation that she loved me too, but it was sincere in my opinion.
This whole time she made it seem like she wouldn't be doing anything physical with anybody for a long time when she talked about being single, she has not kissed him or anything like that either. However, I felt just a sinking feeling in my gut. I texted her around 6pm asking her how her hair turned out, she didn't text me back until 830pm that it turned out well and that she'll show me tomorrow (thursday) "when we go skating!" I replied"haha okay then". I started getting a deeper sinking feeling in my gut and texted her good night at 1030pm, which is usually around the time she goes to bed, and given how sleep deprived we both were I felt it reasonable for her to be asleep by then. Well she didn't text me back. and I started worrying she was with him still late at night. She usually has dinner around 7pm. I thought maybe she got back from the date when she texted me at 830 and may have just gone to sleep. I decided to drive by her house to see if her car was there... it wasn't. I start freaking out and start driving to other possible places she might be and I never found her car in any of those places either. She eventually texts me just past midnight and says "good night :)" I have a sense of relief and think oh she must have just got home. I text her back almost instantly and say "oh you're still up? i ended up not being able to sleep, figured you were already in bed" She didn't respond. I text her again 15 mins later "are you home?" she didn't respond "I texted once more just a single "?" and still nothing. I call her and it goes straight to voicemail, it's off. She always turns her phone off right before she goes to sleep, it's something she always does. I figure she's home now and is sound asleep. I decide to drive back by her place just to to see if her car is there. It's not. Now I'm panicking. It's almost 5 am and I still cannot sleep. I'm totally wired. I know this guy owns this giant gated million dollar mansion and I'm scared to death thinking she is there right now in his house being intimate and staying the night there or whatever is happening, being wooed by all his impressive wealth to a woman that wants a provider and protector so that she can start a family ASAP. She has never lied to me before, she technically hasn't yet either, but I am going crazy wanting to know where she is right now. I can only give benefit of the doubt she called an uber after having a couple drinks and got home that way but I don't know. I want to position myself to be able to catch her in a lie if she is lying, and if she is I don't want to see her again and I will make do on my initial promise of blocking her on everything and her being nonexistant to me. I don't know why I didn't fight more before she got in the car and left after our breakfast date, but I was worried in that moment if I did it would just push her away further and set me back more, or set me back permanently.
Reddit, I know this all sounds so fucked and stupid, and I know most of you will say to move on, but that's not really the advice I want or need right now. I do love this woman and she loves me, she also is just conflicted by the constant disappointment I've given her by not being the man she needs for pretty much our entire relationship, due to my h pylori infection. But I know that now that I've finally completed the antibiotics I'm feeling better and hopefully consistently better and will be cured once I retest in about 2 1/2 weeks to make sure it worked and it is finally gone!
What should I do or the mindset I should have at this point? Again take into account she has stuck with me and been a comfort for me in what was the most difficult time in my life and I want so badly to bring her into the best times of my life. I know she is hopeful and wants it too, but has been disappointed so many times before when I start to get better and then I test positive again and we have to repeat this 4 months process again of taking supplements, feeling like crap, going through detox / die off reactions, weening off for 4 weeks, retesting, waiting a week for results, and finding out it was pointless and have to repeat it all over again. That's what I get for only doing natural treatment and not doing antibiotics. One part of me wants to just block her from everything and not wait for an explanation, the other part of me wants to move past it and give it the benefit of the doubt that she took an uber home or something. The third part of me wants to sneakily try to catch her in a lie and hear her out to see if she's lying, or be pleasantly surprised she was being honest and didn't stay the night with him.
P.S. I feel like I'm getting basically cucked, which is a kink I've never tried but had in the past fantasized about and now that it is actually happening in a really shady messed up way, I am sick to my stomach. No I didn't ask her to do any of this.
TL;DR: I had a chronic h pylori infection that basically made me a shitty person and life partner that developed AFTER we started dating and I couldn't get rid of it naturally after 3 years so now finally trying antibiotics. She stuck around for 3 years anyway (4 total) with constant ups and downs and me not being all that active within the relationship through most of it. She breaks up with me, then gets back with me, finds a super rich successful guy, goes on a date with him, break up with me again, gets back with me when she finds out I would go on a date with another girl, I don't go on date with said girl and go with gf/ex-gf instead. Gf then says she's conflicted and doesn't know who to choose, eventually chooses me, and tells other guy she's not interested. Hits up other guy literally 2 days later for a lunch date and makes plans for dinner date for 4 days later. She breaks up with me again via letter left at my door. We make love and get back together again, have breakfast date and it goes great. She decides to keep the date plans with other guy anyway despite this, but still makes plans with me for after the dinner date with the rich guy. I drove by her house to see if she went back home or not, and she didn't, despite her texting me good night at midnight. I can only assume she's staying the night with him now. I feel conflicted on what to do now?
UPDATE: Drove by dude's mansion. Her car is there early in the morning. She stayed the night with him confirmed. I don't know what to do. I won't tell her I know
SECOND BIG UPDATE: I took a picture of her car at his place before I left in th morning. No denying now. She called me this morning in a cheerful mood. She wanted to see me today still. I asked why not now? She said sure. She said she stayed at her friend's house last night who was out of town. Funny I drove by that house last night and her car was not there. She said she had been there since at least 9pm. I drove by at midnight and it was not there. So now I showed up at her friend's house and she is now in a joyful cuddly mood and wants to kiss me which I denied. I don't know what to do now. Do I confront her? Do I play it easy. I asked her a lot of prying questions about times and where she was exactly and she told me every bit of it except the part where she stayed at his place. So I don't know how to handle this.

The final challenge of the situp contest is 100% rigged for you to lose. It is impossible to win against Jules.
Even when I make literally 0 mistakes and I execute all buttons perfectly, he always beats me 49 to 50. It is NOT possible to get more than 49 situps in the final round and Jules gets 50 every time. The best possible that Tifa can get is 49.

I genuinely think Angie Yonaga is a morally white character. In this writeup I'll evaluate her decisions over the course of V3. Spoilers for the entire game.
Let's start by discussing Angie's background. This isn't meant to be a character analysis, so I'll try to keep it brief.
Free Time 1 (wiki link):

Shuichi: Ah, right, but... Where is [your] island? What is it like?
Angie: It's a tiny, divine island. It used to be much bigger...
But Atua used a natural disaster to make it smaller cuz He thought it would look cuter.
[...]
Angie: My island has lots of plants and flowers too, y'know?
Shuichi: Ah, is that so?
Angie: But most of the plants and flowers on my island like to attack people.
Shuichi: They attack people!?

In Angie's first FTE she explains that a cataclysmic natural disaster recently destroyed much of her home island. She plays this off as God thinking the island would 'look cuter' if it were smaller. She also casually mentions that her island is filled with plants that prey on humans. Angie's island is a dangerous place, and she doesn't see that danger as something unusual. We can also see this in Love Across the Universe:
Love Across the Universe - Video Room 3 (wiki link):

Shuichi: It's hard to decide what to watch...
Angie: On my island, that kinda indecision can get you killed.
Even the slightest hesitation can mean your doom.
Shuichi: Damn, this is awkward...

Here Angie gets annoyed with Shuichi for taking too long to make a decision, because on her island indecisive people die.
The takeaway here is that Angie is really... "hardcore", for lack of a better word? Her home island is incredibly dangerous. Growing up she probably saw a lot of kids she knew die gruesome deaths. Angie's background is actually most similar to that of characters like Ryoma or Maki, she just doesn't really talk about it. I think not understanding this is the source of a lot of the fanbase's suspicion when it comes to her intentions. Angie has a cold, pragmatic view of morality because she grew up in an environment where prioritizing anything but survival got people killed. As such, every decision she makes is based solely on what seems the least likely to get people killed. This is a good thing to keep in mind as we move forward.
Angie's efforts to end the Killing Game start in Chapter 2 with Himiko's magic show (Ch.2-3, 23:30) Here Angie first explains her philosophy of accepting life within the Ultimate Academy by turning it into a 'heaven on earth'. The reasoning's simple: if people like life in the academy, they won't try to escape by committing murder, and the killings will stop. The goal of the magic show was to prevent killings indirectly by raising morale and bringing the class together. Angie's original plan was just to organize a bunch of fun community events for the others to enjoy.
After the second case, Angie realizes things are worse than she realized - a quarter of the class is dead, the seemingly trustworthy Kirumi betrayed the class, they have no leads on the mastermind, no prospects of escape, and Monokuma could attempt to instigate another murder at any moment. The class is already in a crisis situation. The Student Council is formed in response to that crisis.
(the fandom sometimes paints angie as some sort of power-hungry opportunist, so I think it's good to acknowledge that the council was really more of a last resort. angie's a reclusive artist, she's not actually that interested in leading.)
The idea behind the Student Council is for a group of trustworthy students to take organized action against Monokuma and the Killing Game. They have two directives:

1. Nighttime Rule: Students stay in the dorms during nighttime (10 PM - 8 AM).
2. Smash Rule: Monokuma's motives will be neutralized before they can cause a murder.

The Nighttime Rule is pretty straightforward. Night is the best time to commit a murder because there are fewer witnesses walking around. Kirumi's complicated plan to frame Himiko was only possible because she was able to move freely at night. So if no one is allowed to walk around at night, fewer killings will happen. Some students object to the Nighttime Rule on the grounds that it limits their freedom (Ch.3-3, 8:45). However, that misrepresents the situation. The Nighttime Rule is less about limiting freedom, and more about prioritizing one kind of freedom over another. Namely, prioritizing the freedom to not live in fear of homicide over the freedom to do situps outside at 2AM. The Student Council also never physically enforces the Nighttime Rule, despite absolutely having the means to do so. The freedom criticism isn't especially valid.
The Smash Rule is more controversial. Every motive Monokuma introduces is meant to provoke a murder somehow. So if the class does nothing after Monokuma introduces a motive, it's safe to assume a killing will happen. However, if the class takes immediate action to neutralize Monokuma's motive, deaths might be prevented. Each motive is unique, meaning the best way to neutralize them has to be judged on a case-by-case basis. I'll explain the approach to each one.
Flashback Lights (Destroy)
The previous murder was instigated by Kirumi and Ryoma's motive videos, which were stated to have memory-restoring properties similar to the flashback lights (Ch.2-T2, 2:02:55). The class comes to an agreement at the end of the second trial that watching motives is a bad idea and they should avoid them, but apparently do not extend this policy to the flashback lights, despite confirming they work the same way.
The flashback lights are especially dangerous because they implant slightly different memories in each person who uses them. We know this because each student views the flashback from their own perspective (Ch.2-2, 8:32). This means that even if the entire class watches the light together, it's possible for someone to secretly receive a motive without anyone else being the wiser. The flashback lights are essentially more insidious motive videos. The class tried just ignoring the motive videos in Chapter 2, and that promptly gets two people killed. Breaking the flashback light is the obvious thing to do.
Imagine if Monokuma designed the flashback lights so that each person in the class, including those not present, had a 10% of instantly dying whenever one is used. No one would be in favor of using them, but that's actually still a better deal than what the cast of V3 agrees to! With a 16-student class, around 1.5 deaths would be expected on each use, with fewer casualties as more people die off. Compare this with the 2 deaths each in Chapters 4 & 5.
Even without that knowledge, breaking the flashback light is not an unreasonable decision. The class is already aware that Monokuma is responsible for their memory loss. Monokuma would only wipe their memories in order to manipulate the class via their lack of information. It should be obvious that whatever information Monokuma chooses to provide, truthful or not, will only serve to further the Killing Game.
After death, Angie's decision to destroy the light is immediately vindicated - every murder after Chapter 3 is instigated by a flashback light. In Chapter 6, it's revealed that the flashback lights created false memories (this is unsurprising).
Death Road to Despair (Ignore or Block)
Monokuma's intention with the Death Road is to demoralize anyone who tries to escape, possibly even to the point of committing murder out of desperation. From that perspective, preventing access to the Road is logical. However, leaving it unblocked never causes any real harm. There might be an argument for blocking the Road if some people were still trying to force their way through, and became frustrated or injured as a result, but nothing like that ever happens. The class just ignores the Road after failing in Chapter 1. Blocking it isn't a bad idea in theory, but in practice all it did was piss people off.
The Necronomicon (Destroy or Use)
It's left ambiguous whether the resurrection ritual would have succeeded, but we should probably assume it would. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, Monokuma is extremely insistent about the Necronomicon's validity, even after the Chapter 3 trial, when he has no reason to lie. It's also unlikely that Monokuma would provide a discoverable fake motive within the Killing Game, because that would only undermine the validity of any future motives he tried to provide. Secondly, Monokuma has been shown to have access to an insane level of tech - robots with sentient AI, flashlights that restore lost memories, the Exisals, and a literal supercomputer on the third floor. Remember, when Monokuma first introduced the flashback light, the class thought it was too outlandish to work (Ch.2-2, 4:48). After what they've seen Monokuma do, it's not unthinkable that he'd be able to repair the damage to a corpse and revive it Frankenstein-style. Lastly, flashback lights are capable of implanting false memories. This is how every member of V3's cast was created. Monokuma can 'revive' a student by nabbing some random loser off the street and overwriting them with the returnee's memories. If he's feeling sadistic, the replacement doesn't even need to look like the original.
Next, we should establish how the Necronomicon was meant to be a motive. There are a lot of theories about this, but thankfully Monotaro gives us a hint (Ch.3-2, 41:39). Monotaro recommends using the Necronomicon to revive someone and then kill them immediately. The Blackened's murder plan is usually limited by having to lure their target to a suitable murder location. The Necronomicon lets the Blackened simply summon the target at will. It's also great for framing people - if the Blackened steals and uses it, whoever was last known to have the book is suspect. The Necronomicon is a motive because whoever has it can commit the perfect crime. Disagreements over how to use the Necronomicon, or who can be trusted to hold it, could easily cause infighting within the group.
Any attempt at neutralizing the Necronomicon needs to address these issues. Ignoring the book isn't an option - the longer it's allowed to exist, the more likely it is that someone will use it to kill. The correct responses to the Necronomicon are to either use it immediately or shred it to pieces so it can't be used at all. The latter option is safer, but not ideal. Kaede, Rantaro, Kirumi, and Ryoma are some of the most intelligent, level-headed people in the cast. Bringing back any one of them would be a great boon to the group (aside from Kirumi, who would kill again). There's also a moral angle to consider. If the Necronomicon really is capable of saving one of their dead classmates, the class has a moral obligation to at least attempt the ritual.
The Student Council is in a unique position to make this decision because they act as a group. Consider what would happen in a scenario without the council. Given how the class reacted to the Necronomicon, it's unlikely they'd attempt the ritual immediately. Given the reaction to Angie breaking the flashback light, they definitely wouldn't commit to destroying the book. So the class decides to do nothing in particular, the worst possible option. Eventually someone tries to steal the book, probably Korekiyo or Ouma (there's nowhere the group can hide the book that will prevent Ouma from finding it). I don't think I have to explain why this would be a bad outcome. Instead, the Student Council uses their numbers to force a decision and neutralize the Necronomicon as soon as possible. You can quibble over their manners, but it is effective. None of the Chapter 3 deaths are due to Monokuma's motives.
The most controversial aspect of Angie's usage of the Necronomicon is her plan for the returnee - Angie proposes that in the event of another time limit motive, Rantaro should be sacrificed to save the group (Ch.3-3, 20:09). This is an uncomfortable thought, but it's important to consider the context. When Monokuma declares a time limit, someone is guaranteed to die. If the class tries to ignore the time limit, there are only two possible outcomes. Either everyone gets slaughtered, or someone commits murder out of sheer desperation, eroding trust and endangering the entire class. Sacrificing the returnee is grim, but it's better than the alternative. It's worth noting that when Angie makes this announcement, the others are alarmed, but no one can make a good argument against it. That's because there are none; the time limit is a lose-lose situation. The sacrifice plan actually reflects well on Angie, because it shows that she's apparently the only person left who understands that people die in a Killing Game. At this point in the story the class has given up on seriously trying to escape, so they're essentially just sitting around waiting for Monokuma to screw them over again. Angie might be cutthroat, but at least she's not in denial.
(that said, the details of the plan needed work. rantaro would never let himself be sacrificed. angie also never explains why she thinks the returnee should be the one to get sacrificed, either. drawing lots is probably the better option.)
Lastly, let's talk about Saihara's attempt at talking Angie out of the ritual (Ch.3-3, 43:25). Angie initially believes that the Necronomicon will work because the dead students aren't really dead - when the ritual is completed, Monokuma will simply allow the returnee back into the game. Saihara disproves that theory with Maki's help, explaining that the corpses they found were definitely real. Saihara then goes on to say that a 'soul' isn't something that can be replicated with any technology. Angie concedes this, but decides to go ahead with the ritual anyway. Shuichi and company decide Angie can't be reasoned with and retreat.
Some will point to this scene as an example of Angie being unreasonable, but I disagree. There are three problems I see with Shuichi's argument. The first is that he doesn't acknowledge why Angie wants to use the Necronomicon in the first place - reviving a student would be hugely beneficial to the group and is good enough reason to attempt the ritual even if you don't expect it to work. Second, Shuichi can't convincingly argue that the ritual won't work. He asserts that Monokuma can't possibly have the technology required to revive the dead, but the class has already seen that Monokuma has tech beyond anything they can imagine. Again, remember that when the flashback light is introduced in Chapter 2, the class refuses to believe it can work, and are immediately proven wrong (Ch.2-2, 4:48). When Monokuma says he's capable of something, best policy is to just accept it and ask questions later. The final problem is that Shuichi, like everyone else who opposes the ritual, never explains how the Necronomicon will be dangerous. He can only say, "If Monokuma wants us to do it, it can't be good." This is actually a very naive perspective. As we've established, Monokuma's motives need to be judged on a case-by-case basis. The Necronomicon is a motive that requires immediate action. Angie already understands this, so Saihara's vague apprehension can't sway her.
(this scene is a microcosm of everything that annoys me about the student council arc. the non-council students are always staunchly against anything angie wants to do, but fail to make sufficiently reasoned arguments as to why. when they've been backed into a corner logically, kodaka has angie spout off about god to make her look like a fanatic. meanwhile, the valid points she/the council make are swept under the rug.)
Doesn't Angie Brainwash People?
(brainwashing isn't real, but for the sake of discussion let's assume it is.)
In V3-3 every character who isn't with the council seems to believe they've been brainwashed into following Angie. This theory is repeated constantly in-game, so most players end up believing it. However, I don't believe the brainwashing theory holds up under scrutiny. There are two ways we can interpret the word 'brainwash'. The first is mind control facilitated by some sort of handwavy plot technology or magic. The second is as a general term for psychological manipulation.
There are three mind-control devices Angie could realistically have access to: flashback lights, hypnotic paintings, and hugs. Each of these theories has its own issues, but this post is already long enough, so I'll use the easiest argument against all three. Tenko is a member of the council and claims not to be brainwashed. She asks Shuichi to talk Angie out of the resurrection ritual (Ch.3-3, 37:10). Tenko's phrasing in this scene is interesting. While she calls the Student Council 'brainwashed', she never actually mentions a method of brainwashing. That's weird, because Tenko's been part of the council from the start - she's watched Angie recruit all the members firsthand. If anything nefarious happened, Tenko would know, but the worst she can say is that the council 'idolizes' Angie and won't go against her. To be clear, Tenko hates Angie. She wanted Angie dead even before Chapter 3. If Tenko saw Angie forcing people into submission with some secret brainwashing macguffin, she'd absolutely bring it up to discredit her. The fact that she doesn't means there was nothing like that involved.
So Angie can't have been using mind control. Is she just really manipulative, then? We should start by making a distinction between manipulation and influence. Both are methods of convincing someone to do what you want. The difference comes down to transparency and intent. A manipulative person will hide their true intentions and use the other person for their own benefit, with no regard for their best interests. To call Angie manipulative, we would have to be able to prove she acts that way. Let's compare Kokichi's recruitment of Gonta in Chapter 2 to Angie's recruitment of Gonta in Chapter 3.
(Ch.2-3, 43:02) Kokichi's goal in Chapter 2 is to force a motive video viewing party. The Insect Meet-and-Greet's purpose is to get the class all in one place so he can break into the dorms and steal everyone's videos. Gonta is not told any of this - instead, Kokichi tells Gonta that the rest of the class hates bugs and wants to kill them all, and that Gonta can only save the bugs by changing everyone's minds at the Meet-and-Greet. Kokichi lies about his intentions. He also doesn't have Gonta's best interests in mind - the Meet-and-Greet has the opposite effect of what Gonta had hoped. Most of the students who attend end up hating insects even more than they did before. Kokichi's happy because he got to watch Maki and Ryoma's motives, while Gonta is left with nothing but regrets. It's safe to say Kokichi manipulated Gonta.
(Ch.3-2, 48:50) Angie's goal in Chapter 3 is to end the mutual killings. She and the council ask Gonta to help protect the academy's peace, and Gonta agrees. Angie explains her intentions to Gonta openly and honestly. The partnership is mutually beneficial as well - Gonta has a strong desire to protect the others, but knows that trying to fight the Exisals is futile. This leaves him feeling aimless and frustrated. The Student Council provides a proper outlet for his desire to protect (the alternative being Ch.4), and in exchange they get a new member. Even after Angie's death, Gonta remembers the Nighttime Rule fondly and doesn't seem to regret his time in the council (Ch.4-1, 42:25).
Gonta isn't an exception among the Student Council members. The other true members also have valid, non-religious reasons to join. Himiko's already Angie's friend, and the council's policies are in line with Keebo's prior opinions in Chapter 2 (Ch.2-2, 35:49). We never see Angie lie to or exploit a council member to get them to do things, and they never describe her doing anything along those lines, either. Barring Tenko and her jealousy, no character who spends a significant amount of time with Angie has anything bad to say about her. Angie's really persuasive when she wants to be, but it's not fair to call her a manipulator.
Conclusion
Angie implemented rational solutions to the urgent and life-threatening problems facing the class at a time when no one else could propose a real alternative. The Student Council's policy of neutralizing Monokuma's motives before they cause harm gets immediate results - it's notable that the Chapter 3 murders are the only killings in the entire game not instigated by one of Monokuma's motives. The council's opposition are vocal in their disapproval, but incapable of producing coherent arguments as to why. They instead resort to defamation, labeling the Student Council as a fanatical, dangerous cult brainwashed into doing Angie's bidding. The protagonist trio of Shuichi, Kaito, and Maki also fall into this camp, which causes many first-time players to accept this viewpoint unquestioningly. However, when the text of the game is examined impartially there is insufficient evidence supporting theories of brainwashing.
DRV3's writing tries very hard to frame Angie as an antagonist, and it really isn't deserved. Angie is a person with uncommonly pure intentions who consistently prioritizes the safety and well-being of the entire group. She did everything she could to protect her classmates, even the ones who hated her guts, and it kind of sucks that she gets so much abuse.

Disclaimer: These are my personal opinions as someone that has trained only Muay Thai as well as the warriorfit conditioning program at Evolve, for an average of 10 hours a week over the past five years. As such, do not use this post as a reflection of the training in BJJ or MMA at the gym. This is a 100% subjective opinion that is not meant to diss the gym outright, but to share some of my thoughts on why turnover is increasing and why members may seek greener pastures elsewhere.
I will start my post by saying this. After five years of training at Evolve, 10 hours on average, I have decided to call it quits. I’m not sure if I will be choosing to head to another MT gym or just take a break for a bit and do something else, but I think that I need to shake things up as there are things about the gym that I feel are starting to really limit my enjoyment. I will share my reasons why below.
Cost:
EVOLVE in fairness has not increased its price that much over the years, but that being said it is still on average ~$4.2k SGD a year for unlimited classes. That puts it as the most expensive MT gym in Singapore, with the next higher tier being Pineapple MMA at around $3.5k, and subsequently most gyms will have a yearly package for $2.6k or so. Stuff is expensive in Singapore and I understand that, so previously I didn’t mind cause you get discounts the longer you re-sign with Evolve, and I felt the quality and experience was there to justify it. Unfortunately I can no longer say this is the case.
Class structure:
Evolve has levels for its classes – level 1, level 2, level 3 etc. (I know how this community feels about grading and I will not disagree) sparring is only unlocked above level 2 and on average most people will take 8-12 months to get level 2. Beyond that though there doesn’t seem to be any real criteria for who gets promoted, although there are whispers it is based on duration spent and from observations I would have to agree. (level 3 guys ive seen that have really poor form).
For the past year, I will not exaggerate and be brutally honest as this is the crux of my frustration. The classes have lost all form of passion and variety. There is a very strange choice to put only Level 1 classes at peak hour in the evening when people come off work, with level 2 classes only being available after 8pm and sparring at 9pm. This means that a lot of level 2 or level 3 students often have to go to level 1 classes purely because well, we have lives to live after 7pm.
This means that for long term students, the majority of their experience like myself will plateau out fairly quickly as we do not have convenient times to do more advanced drills. Previously instructors around 2020-2021 would at least try to give you some advanced combos and drills to shake things up, and there was good variety back then even in beginner classes. The problem now is that there seems to be a culture that are comfortable just purely doing drills and not actually teaching into popular timeslots from 530pm onwards, when most adults get off work.
What I mean is that I can enter a class and know almost exactly what to expect. A 1 hour class can be the following:
5 mins warmup
6 mins running
6 mins skipping
15 mins basic heavy bag reps (50 roundhouse kicks each side, 50 push kicks each side, 100 knees, push on the bag for a minute or so, you get the drill)
Maybe if you get lucky you get some shadowing for 5 mins or so of an instructor where he does some combos and you follow
One round of pads that lasts around 2-3 mins (you do your own drills or some simple combos while waiting your turn)
more drills, pushups situps and end class
As you can imagine, if you have been doing this for the past year over and over again you would pretty much lose your mind, especially when you are more of an advanced student and you know what this gym used to offer. This is the main reason I feel myself and many others do not renew. I get that muay thai is about repetition and perfection over time, but it feels that the instructors and us are just going through the motions. No one is excited to show something new or spontaneous, and sometimes the instructors wont really bother to correct obviously wrong form as well. I was inspired to write this after a particularly stale class.
Lack of continuity in instructors and no real theme of training:
Back in 2019, there was plethora of high quality instructors. Like, I was genuinely spoilt for choice. Nong O, Yod, Sam A, Dej, Nontachai were around all the way up to 2022. I get that people leave and times change, but those guys were always pushing you to be better and wanting to teach new things. Yod who is currently at Pineapple would kill you in padwork even if you are a beginner and is till date the single best pad holder I know. Now, maybe this is personal preference but the current experience is too sterile. The instructors are still nice and friendly, but there are also less of them now and this means they are stretched a bit thinner and padwork becomes more of an obligation. As such, they develop the same rhythms and again ties back to my point earlier about lack of spontaneity. The turnover in instructors has become a lot faster as of late as well, and therefore it does feel that theres no particular focus in what they want to teach to students.
Turnover
From observation I would say the average evolve student does not break 2 years at best, and in recent years a year even. There could be a plethora of reasons but again I would like to tie it to my earlier points. It has become a very “first beginner class” experience increasingly. Maybe this is intentional and their model is to just milk money from rich Singaporeans/foreigners coming ovs for a stay for work for a year. But in terms of longer term flow it is difficult to create any culture or community when people leave so quickly as well.
In conclusion, there are things that I really do like about Evolve. They have the best facilities of any MT gym I’ve browsed in SG, and they have a very packed class schedule so timing wise you will not have to wait much as every 30 mins a new class starts somewhere. That being said, I feel that the lack of variety has increasingly hurt the MT classes in recent years and as such it is no longer good bang for your buck. You likely will enjoy it as a beginner but like myself and many others, there simply isn’t enough variety or sense of progression to keep you past a year or two – and ive observed this among my friends who have all left long ago.
Carpe diem

Disclaimer: Most of you would know Evolve as the gym that Chatri, founder of ONE owns. These are my personal opinions as someone that has trained only Muay Thai as well as the warriorfit conditioning program at Evolve, for an average of 10 hours a week over the past five years. As such, do not use this post as a reflection of the training in BJJ or MMA at the gym. This is a 100% subjective opinion that is not meant to diss the gym outright, but to share some of my thoughts on why turnover is increasing and why members may seek greener pastures elsewhere.
I will start my post by saying this. After five years of training at Evolve, 10 hours on average, I have decided to call it quits. I’m not sure if I will be choosing to head to another MT gym or just take a break for a bit and do something else, but I think that I need to shake things up as there are things about the gym that I feel are starting to really limit my enjoyment. I will share my reasons why below.
Cost:
EVOLVE in fairness has not increased its price that much over the years, but that being said it is still on average ~$4.2k SGD a year for unlimited classes. That puts it as the most expensive MT gym in Singapore, with the next higher tier being Pineapple MMA at around $3.5k, and subsequently most gyms will have a yearly package for $2.6k or so. Stuff is expensive in Singapore and I understand that, so previously I didn’t mind cause you get discounts the longer you re-sign with Evolve, and I felt the quality and experience was there to justify it. Unfortunately I can no longer say this is the case.
Class structure:
Evolve has levels for its classes – level 1, level 2, level 3 etc. (I know how this community feels about grading and I will not disagree) sparring is only unlocked above level 2 and on average most people will take 8-12 months to get level 2. Beyond that though there doesn’t seem to be any real criteria for who gets promoted, although there are whispers it is based on duration spent and from observations I would have to agree. (level 3 guys ive seen that have really poor form).
For the past year, I will not exaggerate and be brutally honest as this is the crux of my frustration. The classes have lost all form of passion and variety. There is a very strange choice to put only Level 1 classes at peak hour in the evening when people come off work, with level 2 classes only being available after 8pm and sparring at 9pm. This means that a lot of level 2 or level 3 students often have to go to level 1 classes purely because well, we have lives to live after 7pm.
This means that for long term students, the majority of their experience like myself will plateau out fairly quickly as we do not have convenient times to do more advanced drills. Previously instructors around 2020-2021 would at least try to give you some advanced combos and drills to shake things up, and there was good variety back then even in beginner classes. The problem now is that there seems to be a culture that are comfortable just purely doing drills and not actually teaching into popular timeslots from 530pm onwards, when most adults get off work.
What I mean is that I can enter a class and know almost exactly what to expect. A 1 hour class can be the following:
5 mins warmup
6 mins running
6 mins skipping
15 mins basic heavy bag reps (50 roundhouse kicks each side, 50 push kicks each side, 100 knees, push on the bag for a minute or so, you get the drill)
Maybe if you get lucky you get some shadowing for 5 mins or so of an instructor where he does some combos and you follow
One round of pads that lasts around 2-3 mins (you do your own drills or some simple combos while waiting your turn)
more drills, pushups situps and end class
As you can imagine, if you have been doing this for the past year over and over again you would pretty much lose your mind, especially when you are more of an advanced student and you know what this gym used to offer. This is the main reason I feel myself and many others do not renew. I get that muay thai is about repetition and perfection over time, but it feels that the instructors and us are just going through the motions. No one is excited to show something new or spontaneous, and sometimes the instructors wont really bother to correct obviously wrong form as well. I was inspired to write this after a particularly stale class.
Lack of progression:
This sort of ties in to the above point, but the fact is that there is no real sense of progression if you don’t become a fighter under the gym banner eventually. It becomes kinda a predictable HIIT workout which sucks.
Lack of continuity in instructors and no real theme of training:
Back in 2019, there was plethora of high quality instructors. Like, I was genuinely spoilt for choice. Nong O, Yod, Sam A, Dej, Nontachai were around all the way up to 2022. I get that people leave and times change, but those guys were always pushing you to be better and wanting to teach new things. Yod who is currently at Pineapple would kill you in padwork even if you are a beginner and is till date the single best pad holder I know. Now, maybe this is personal preference but the current experience is too sterile. The instructors are still nice and friendly, but there are also less of them now and this means they are stretched a bit thinner and padwork becomes more of an obligation. As such, they develop the same rhythms and again ties back to my point earlier about lack of spontaneity. The turnover in instructors has become a lot faster as of late as well, and therefore it does feel that theres no particular focus in what they want to teach to students.
Turnover
From observation I would say the average evolve student does not break 2 years at best, and in recent years a year even. There could be a plethora of reasons but again I would like to tie it to my earlier points. It has become a very “first beginner class” experience increasingly. Maybe this is intentional and their model is to just milk money from rich Singaporeans/foreigners coming ovs for a stay for work for a year. But in terms of longer term flow it is difficult to create any culture or community when people leave so quickly as well.
In conclusion, there are things that I really do like about Evolve. They have the best facilities of any MT gym I’ve browsed in SG, and they have a very packed class schedule so timing wise you will not have to wait much as every 30 mins a new class starts somewhere. That being said, I feel that the lack of variety has increasingly hurt the MT classes in recent years and as such it is no longer good bang for your buck. You likely will enjoy it as a beginner but like myself and many others, there simply isn’t enough variety or sense of progression to keep you past a year or two – and ive observed this among my friends who have all left long ago.
Carpe diem

Hello everyone. If you guys could read the prologue of my book Project Eden and tell me what you think thjat would be awesome. I for one think it is too fast-paced but tha could just be me. Anyway, here it is:Dr. Reynolds paced around her office, her fingers tapping nervously on her lap; she was waiting for the results, she had recently found the planet they had been waiting for; an Eden.
The door to her lab swung open, and in stepped her partner, Dr. Duke, he handed her a brown envelope. She stared at the envelope for a long time; she could feel her heart in her throat. She gently took the envelope from his palm.
"Have you checked...?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She looked down at the envelope in her hand once more, it was hard to believe something so small, could decide the fate of over nine billion people.
Dr. Duke shook his head. "I've been too nervous..." he admitted, a hoarse chuckle escaped him. "It's hard to believe... such a small thing could save humanity, isn't it?" She nodded, a bitter smile playing on her lips.
Both of them made eye contact, and an unspoken agreement was made: this had to work, this was the only shot humanity had.
Dr. Reynolds gently opened the envelope. "It's now or never..." They both swallowed; she removed the paper from the envelope and allowed the envelope to fall to the ground.
She opened the paper and gasped, tears filled her eyes. "It's a success!" She yelled, tears falling from her eyes. "T-the planet is perfect! I-it has the perfect oxygen levels and vegetation for human life." She sniffled. "We're saved." The two grown adults began to sob, they held each other closely as they collapsed on the floor, pure happiness filled them.
"You did it, Lauren!" Dr. Duke says. "You saved us." They held each other once more and began to cry, they had done it.
The months that followed this accomplishment were a blur, Dr. Lauren Reynolds had been gifted a noble prize, but she didn't have the time to enjoy it. The planet, Project Eden, was approximately 151,371,687,561 292,800 light years away, It will take sixteen years for the shuttle to arrive, even at the speed of light.
Dr. Reynolds had come to a hard decision, in other for this mission to be successful, teenagers would have to be sent into space; they needed the agents up there to be at their best.
A few months later, Dr. Reynolds told the world, what she knew they didn't want to hear: "For project 54514 to be successful, I am afraid children will need to be sent up there." Her news had caused an uproar, but she continued. "They will be put in CryptoSleep, we will do everything in our power to make sure those children are protected and safe."
The next step was picking the children that would be sent to space. This was the easiest part. Many children lined up on the day of the choosing, they had all been nervous, but determined to be chosen.
The choice wasn't a normal test. Not only were they tested for intellectual ability, but they were also tested for several other skills, such as Athletic ability, Leadership skills, Creativity and teamwork.
Finally, all thirteen children had been chosen. Amara, Kai, Raven, Isabella, Santos, Crystal, Kira, Charlie, Rose, Thorn, Imani, Julian and Kat.
All thirteen of these children were orphans. They had no one else and had been living by themselves for as long as they could remember. They were all exceptional in their way.
As Dr. Reynolds read their files, she couldn't help but feel a tightness in her chest. She was sending thirteen innocent children to their possible death. What would she do if they all died, how would she sleep at night? As a scientist, she had a duty to earth. But what about as a woman? A human?
She opened her drawer and placed the files in it. She closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. She started to cry. How had they let the world get so far gone? Why did it take the earth being destroyed, to find an escape? Did they even deserve restoration?
Hot tears overflowed from her eyes. She couldn't do this to those kids. They were exceptional, surely she could find something safe for them to do on earth.
Someone knocked on her door. She sniffled and wiped her tears away. "Come in." Her voice was stern, betraying none of her previous sadness.
Dr. Duke walked in, a sad smile on his face. "I know what you're doing, Lauren." Dr. Reynolds raised an eyebrow at the use of her name. "You're double-guessing our choice." She looked down. Dr. Duke's blue eyes flashed in annoyance, but they disappeared as quickly as they came.
He walked towards her. "Lauren," he began. "They are the human race's only chance of survival. We will go extinct."
"What if we deserve it?!" She snarled, her hazel eyes ablaze. "We did this! We destroyed our world!"
Dr. Duke looked shocked for a moment. He sighed. "What about all the children out there? Do they deserve it?" She looked down, biting her lip. "Lauren, I know we did this. We warned them for decades but they never listened. But the children should not have to pay for our mistakes."
"Isn't that what they are doing anyway?! If we send those children up there... aren't they still paying for our mistakes...?"
Dr. Duke refused to look her in the eyes. "...Lauren, what do you think will happen, if we abandon the mission?"
Dr. Reynolds knew what he was trying to say. If they abandoned this mission, everyone was sure to die. Earth's oxygen was getting more toxic every day, the only reason they went dead was because of the greenhouses spread around the world and the dying bacteria.
"If we abandon the mission, we all die. We have no chance of survival." He placed his hands on her shoulder. "If we continue, the children could have a better future."
Dr. Reynolds shrugged his hands off. "I don't want his children to die. They've...." She closed her eyes. "They've been through enough." She opened her eyes. "I don't want to be a murderer."
Dr. Duke sighed. "We got into science, to build a better world for our children. Lauren, this is our childhood dream. Please...? If you want this mission over, I will end it."
Dr. Reynolds took a long shuddering breath. "We'll continue. I hope those kids never blame me."
"Why would they?"
♤ ♧ ♡ ◇
All thirteen of the teens had been gathered in the hangar room. They all wore their space suits, excitement and awe on their faces.
They had never been in such a large room. The hanger room seemed to go on for miles; it was a plain room, with all corners being painted a dull gray but what they were mesmerized by, were the spaceships. Every corner of the hanger was filled with different kinds of spaceships. They came in all different shapes and sizes.
Dr. Reynolds stood in front of the teens. Her gaze was stern and cold, she wasn't getting attached.
"Listen up!" Her voice pulled the children back to reality. "You all will be put in CryptoSleep for sixteen years." She began to walk around the teens. "Now, for those sixteen years, you will be fed through a tube. This substance that will be given to you, is not food. Instead, it is an unspoilable liquid, that will give you everything you need."
Thorn raises his hand, a sly smirk on his face. Dr. Reynolds asks him to speak. "We already know all this. So, why are we truly here?" Dr. Reynolds frowned.
"You are here to train." She stopped walking. She was directly in front of them. "There are six months until you will be sent to space. By the time the six months roll around, I intend to make sure you are all in the best shape of your life."
Amara raised her hand smiling ear-to-ear. Dr. Reynolds gestured for her to talk. "Will we get abs?!" Everyone laughed, causing her to pout in annoyance.
Dr. Reynolds sighed. "Yes." She smiled, shaking her head. "You will get abs." Amara beamed.
The first day of training was by far the hardest. They had never had a day of exercise in their life, now suddenly they had to do pushups, lunges, situps, burpees and more unspeakable things.
By the time the say was over, they were passed out on the floor. But the day wasn't over yet. Dr. Reynolds dumped water on them, waking them up.
She sighed, shaking her head. "If you're tired after that; we have a lot to do." The kids groaned. "We're not done yet. Time to see if you have any idea how a ship works."
"Can we have a break, Dr. Reynolds?" Charlie asks desperately.
"No. If you all are to be astronauts, you need to be at your very best. If you are not, you will die before the mission truly begins. So GET UP."
Everyone couldn't help but wonder: Was this truly worth it?
Thank you for making it his far :)

Hi, I'm new to the gym. I trained at home with dumbbells only for the better part of the last 10 months. I trained all the muscles except for my legs. I started going to the gym 2 weeks ago. I plan on working out 5 days a week. I tried to make a good all around split to cover all muscle groups as much as possible. You will notice I'm mentioning home below each day, as I'm looking to squeeze in some extra sets at home with dumbbells, which is why I'm also not using DB at the gym that much, except for chest.
I have accounted for forearms being worked on the majority of exercises, so I only do 6 sets in total targeting them specifically. I am also alternating exercises between muscle groups to give time to each group to recover so I can load it properly to gain the most possible hypertrophy. I'm not mentioning any number of reps as I'm doing every exercise to technical failure. The moment I cannot perform full ROM with perfect form, I consider it failure and take a break. I'm not a fan of half reps or less than full ROM.
I also do high intensity cardio for 20-25 minutes daily.
Chest+triceps+legs - Monday
Barbell flat bench press 2 sets
DB flat bench press 2 sets
Upright dips 2 sets
Standing 90 degree cable flyes 2 sets
Triceps cable rocking pushdowns 2 sets
Horizontal leg press 4 sets
Lying triceps DB pullover 2 sets
Leg raises machine 2 sets
Home: Triceps kickbacks 2 sets + Declined pushups 2 sets to failure
Back+biceps - Tuesday
Pull-ups 2 sets to failure
1 arm half kneeling lat pulldown 3 sets
Bicep curls EZ bar 2 sets
Deadlift 2 sets
EZ bar preacher curls 2 sets
Barbell row 2 sets
Cable biceps curls 2 sets
Home: Dumbbell alternating curls 2 sets + Dumbbell row 2 sets
Shoulders+abs+forearms - Wednesday
Machine shoulder press 3 sets
Leg raises 3 sets
Cable lateral raises 2 sets
Declined situps 2 sets
Cable crunches 2 sets
Home: Arnold press 2 sets+ Rear delt row 2 sets + Palm facing up forearm curls 3 sets+ Palm facing down forearm curls 3 sets
Chest+triceps+legs - Thursday
DB inclined bench press 2 sets
Low high cable crossover 2 sets
Triceps pushdown 2 sets
Barbell inclined bench press 2 sets
Squat 2 sets
Lying triceps extensions 2 sets
Leg press 4 sets
Home: One arm DB overhead triceps extensions 2 sets + Declined push-ups 2 sets to failure
Back+biceps+abs - Friday
Pullups 2 sets to failure
1 arm half kneeling lat pulldown 3 sets
EZ bar curls 2 sets
Lat pulldowns 2 sets
Leg raises 4 sets
Seated cable rows 2 sets
EZ bar preacher curls 2 sets
Declined Situps 2 sets
Home: Dumbbell row 2 sets + Hammer curls 2 sets
Total:
Chest sets: 16
Back sets: 22
Biceps sets: 14
Triceps sets: 20
Forearms sets: 6
Shoulders sets: 9
Abs sets: 13
Legs sets: 12
What would you change? Why?

​
Hi, I'm new to the gym. I trained at home with dumbbells only for the better part of the last 10 months. I trained all the muscles except for my legs. I started going to the gym 2 weeks ago. I plan on working out 5 days a week. I tried to make a good all around split to cover all muscle groups as much as possible. You will notice I'm mentioning home below each day, as I'm looking to squeeze in some extra sets at home with dumbbells, which is why I'm also not using DB at the gym that much, except for chest.
I have accounted for forearms being worked on the majority of exercises, so I only do 6 sets in total targeting them specifically. I am also alternating exercises between muscle groups to give time to each group to recover so I can load it properly to gain the most possible hypertrophy. I'm not mentioning any number of reps as I'm doing every exercise to technical failure. The moment I cannot perform full ROM with perfect form, I consider it failure and take a break. I'm not a fan of half reps or less than full ROM.
I also do high intensity cardio daily for 20-25 minutes.
Chest+triceps+legs - Monday
Barbell flat bench press 2 sets
DB flat bench press 2 sets
Upright dips 2 sets
Standing 90 degree cable flyes 2 sets
Triceps cable rocking pushdowns 2 sets
Horizontal leg press 4 sets
Lying triceps DB pullover 2 sets
Leg raises machine 2 sets
Home: Triceps kickbacks 2 sets + Declined pushups 2 sets to failure
Back+biceps - Tuesday
Pull-ups 2 sets to failure
1 arm half kneeling lat pulldown 3 sets
Bicep curls EZ bar 2 sets
Deadlift 2 sets
EZ bar preacher curls 2 sets
Barbell row 2 sets
Cable biceps curls 2 sets
Home: Dumbbell alternating curls 2 sets + Dumbbell row 2 sets
Shoulders+abs+forearms - Wednesday
Machine shoulder press 3 sets
Leg raises 3 sets
Cable lateral raises 2 sets
Declined situps 2 sets
Cable crunches 2 sets
Home: Arnold press 2 sets+ Rear delt row 2 sets + Palm facing up forearm curls 3 sets+ Palm facing down forearm curls 3 sets
Chest+triceps+legs - Thursday
DB inclined bench press 2 sets
Low high cable crossover 2 sets
Triceps pushdown 2 sets
Barbell inclined bench press 2 sets
Squat 2 sets
Lying triceps extensions 2 sets
Leg press 4 sets
Home: One arm DB overhead triceps extensions 2 sets + Declined push-ups 2 sets to failure
Back+biceps+abs - Friday
Pullups 2 sets to failure
1 arm half kneeling lat pulldown 3 sets
EZ bar curls 2 sets
Lat pulldowns 2 sets
Leg raises 4 sets
Seated cable rows 2 sets
EZ bar preacher curls 2 sets
Declined Situps 2 sets
Home: Dumbbell row 2 sets + Hammer curls 2 sets
Total:
Chest sets: 16
Back sets: 22
Biceps sets: 14
Triceps sets: 20
Forearms sets: 6
Shoulders sets: 9
Abs sets: 13
Legs sets: 12
What would you change? Why?

Hi all! This thread really helped me get ready for surgery, and now that I am six weeks post-op, i'd love to share a positive experience with you all! (Let me also say: this is not to discredit anyone's experience whose were more challenging- this is such an individualized experience so just want to share mine!).
My hysterectomy took everything except for my ovaries laparoscopically and vaginally. I am 28 years old, and had the surgery due to fibroids. This was my 5th surgery in 11 years! Knock on wood this is the last reproductive i'll ever experience! My restrictions were: no more than 10lbs, nothing inside the vagina, no bathing for 6 weeks. I absolutely encourage you to listen to these restrictions and lean heavily into recovery-- you only get to recover once! Giving myself the grace to go slow, to relax, to really heal made a world of a difference.
Pre-surgery: I work as a personal trainer, so I placed a precedence on getting my body and mind as strong as possible beforehand. I really do think that played a huge role in recovery. I focused on core engagement, building muscle, staying as active as felt good, therapy, and self-care. The next best thing I did beforehand was throw a Bon Voyage Uterus party. We had uterus balloons and a banner, a cake that said, "Bye Bitch', and boas for everyone. It helped get my mind in a celebratory mode rather than solely anxious!
1 day post-op: surgery went well, no complications. I was admitted at 11am, surgery at 1pm, woke up around 4:30pm, and left the hospital at 10pm. Woke up in a little pain, but nothing more than standard cramps. The worst part for me was getting up to pee I stood up too fast and almost fainted. Don't do that. I would have been discharged earlier, but had to pee beforehand and just did not have the urgency too. Once they told me they may have to put a catheter in me, it's like my bladder heard that and finally it worked, lol! Car ride home was fine-- I brought a cheap bed pillow for the car to hold over my stomach and told my boyfriend to drive very slow.
First week post-op: definitely felt exhausted and like I did 1000 situps. My core felt pretty distended and I felt the gas shoulder pain people talk about. I took the oxycodone for the first three days, which made me very sleepy and not very hungry. I walked around the grocery store veeeeeery slowly on day three to get out the house, and made sure to walk around the house frequently those first few days. The most difficult part of the first week was sleep for me- I didn't feel comfortable sleeping in any position other than my back, which I don't usually do. I did have a U-shaped pregnancy pillow which helped, but I ended up moving to the couch to sleep for the first week. After I stopped taking the harder pain meds and switched to ibueprofen/tylenol, I definitely got my appetite and energy back. I still moved fairly slowly, but I felt good enough to run easy errands, go on a neighborhood walk, chores, etc. First BM was 3 days post-op. It did hurt to pee for the first week, and I did not feel a sensation to push, but that all went away after maybe day 5. My belly button incision was the most tender! By the end of the first week, I took a 3 hour road trip for a staycation to get out of the house. I emphasized protein and hydration heavily for the first few weeks.
Weeks 2-6: I went back to work at week 2, but that is because my main job is a WFH position (I did not do any personal training until week 6). For me this felt very doable. In addition, I felt good enough to hop on the treadmill for longer walks (with doctor's ok). I live in Chicago, so did not really want to get outside as much, so would put on a tv show or read a book and do 30-60 min treadmill walks for movement! That really relieved some gas pain and soreness (and general boredom). I went out to eat a few times, hung out with friends, and went to a work holiday party. After week 2, I felt completely back to normal. No pain, discomfort, bloating--I was able to go back to sleeping on side/stomach by week 2/3. There were a handful of times I would feel sore or the phantom tampon feeling if I was overdoing it, and when I felt this sensation I would immediately stop what I was doing and relax. Glue feel off (I had it on my two sides and bellybutton) around day 10!
Things that I highly recommend:

• U-shaped pregnancy pillow
• Heating pad
• Gas x
• A car pillow
• Books on books on books
• An at home treadmill (not very accessible, I understand)
• Gatorade
• Stool softeners
• Having friends come over for company
• Daily walks
• Ninja Creami (also a splurge but looooooved smoothies and ice cream)
• Therapy!
• Make a bin of supplies to keep by you: snacks, drinks, coloring books, books, meds. This was the best idea someone told me ahead of time!

Things I didn't end up using:

• Abdominal brace - tried it once, did not like the sensation of pushing against my incisions.
• Incline pillow- just slept on couch instead
• Any kind of grabber-- I was able to sit up, reach high, and bend over without issue)
• Tshirt dresses- I was cold so wanted loose pants and tshirts

Foods that came in clutch:

• Soups
• Fairlife chocolate milk
• Cereal
• Smoothies
• Acai bowls
• Frozen burritos
• Pizza rolls (zero shame)
• Oatmeal
• Perfect Bars
• Berries and yogurt
• Pasta cooked in bone broth

I hope this helps a little bit give a positive perspective! I feel really lucky to have had a smooth recovery and would do this surgery experience all over again in a heartbeat. I am happy to help anyone with any questions or fears they may have!

Hi, I am Zach M 30 I was raised by my parents we’ll call them Mack M 51 and Morgan F 49 I am their eldest child Mack has a daughter from another woman F 33 named “Sandy” then there’s my younger sister F 28 named “Alex” to start from the beginning, I was born in a small town in Virginia when I was born I was very sick. I have an auto immune disorder. When I was 2 Mack went into the military. I didn’t see him again until I was eight when he came back stateside we moved to Kansas to be with him, which is kind of where my story starts. He was extremely strict and back in those days very cruel. He expected me to be perfect, but wouldn’t show me how any mistake I made was met with a beating, or sometimes he would drive me around in his car, just me and him and scream at me And he was like that until I got used to the whoopins at that point he would make me do push-ups situps, squats, or run around the house until he got tired of watching me Morgan on the other hand was very protective of me up until I was like 12 years old they would fight a lot how he treated me, but at some point she flipped the switch and it became them versus us and as for Alex she was very intelligent even at a young age she learned that she could throw me under the bus and fly under the radar so I would say I got punished about 10 times more than she did. Now I’m not gonna sit on my parents too much all the things I said are true, but at times they are great I took us on many trips, Disneyland, Six Flags, etc. gave us a bunch of toys and presents and actually had good quality time with them as well I remember me and my dad used to stay up all night playing DEF jam fight for New York another video games and my mom will take us on shopping spree, and day trips, and stuff like that I know I’m rambling. I just wanna get the point across that for all of the negative things that happen as a child for me there was a lot of good as well at the end of the day. I just think my parents were very immature people when they had kidsand it took them a long time to figure out how to be good parents and unfortunately I had to bear the front and it took them a long time to figure out how to be good parents Sandy would visit visit us every summer but for the most part she live with her mom so she didn’t really know what was going on so that’s pretty much my backstory current day. My life with my parents is very good. We currently live together and have live together since I got out of prison in 2015 currently both of my sisters are no contact with me and my parents for Alex. The reason is she is pretty much a full-blown sociopath lol pretty much when she was 16 she decided it was a good idea to get in relationship with a 24 year old man. My parents understandably freaked out and put her on lockdown. There was a whole lot of drama surrounding that time that I wasn’t really around for because I was doing my own thing but because she couldn’t have her own way, she called the DEA on my parents cause they smoked weed She also lied and told a therapist that my dad molested her and when cops were going to be involved, she told them that she lied and took it all back and then when me and her boyfriend were doing B&Es together, she told the cops it was all me to save him and then when I went on the run, she found out where I was and then called the cops and they came and got me. I personally love my family a lot, so I forgave her for all of that, just like I forgave my parents for my childhood, but I don’t forget so when she had a daughter , just like I forgave my parents for my childhood, but I don’t forget so when she had a child of her own she act like she was the best mother around and constantly talk about how our parents were such bad parents and they in fights a lot and it was a time where they would fight and make up and fight and make up and then that kind of ended when we all pretty much got tired of her and told her that she is just a piece of shit is anybody else’s in this family and remind her of all the fucked up things she’s done to us and then she got contact Sandy on the other hand would come and visit us quite often until I was like 17 and then one of our visits ended and I tried to contact her a few times after that and she never responded. I tried to contact her cousins and her mom no response. She pretty much ghosted me and I don’t know why I try to get in contact with her once or twice a year, but never works out. As of now, me and my parents have a pretty good relationship, but there is just one problem and that is they don’t treat me with respect in anyway, as a matter of fact, you could bring a random person off the street and they would treat them with more respect then they would treat me, I consider myself a very respectable individual I work hard every day I do my share of the chores. I don’t ask them for anything I pay my share of the bills which ends up being $2000 a month and it’s been that way since I moved in with them, but no matter what I do how hard I work how perfect I am I can’t get respect from them, and I keep getting disrespected and I’ll let it go things they will do to me even if I thought about doing the exact same thing of them, it would be a huge issue like going through my drawers in my room, opening my mail, taking things out of my room that don’t belong to them things like that and this morning I wake up and my mom is putting up the Christmas tree so I go to help her. She starts putting on the lights and I just voiced my opinion which at the lights were space too far apart and she tells me to shut up out of nowhere and I was about to say no I’m not gonna shut up because I’m a grown man and I should be able to say what I want to say but in that moment, I realize we were just gonna be in an argument, and nothing would change, so I walked away and started doing laundry and some other stuff I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore i’m thinking about moving out I can live comfortably on my own, but I don’t think my relationship with my parents will ever change so any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the long ass post. I just figured I should give context

Background:
I'm a 30-year-old woman who rarely exercised before the pandemic but got really into hiking, trail-running, and climbing when the rest of the world shut down. I was that kid who refused to run the mile in middle school PE. I did not do any organized sports. I dabbled in fitness a tiny bit in college but the extent of my workouts pre-2020 were 15 minutes of running and a few situps.
By 2022, I was either running or climbing daily and hiking most weekends -- doing my best to be better than a weekend warrior, you know how it is. But I wasn't (and still am not) very organized about any of this. I just do what I want on any given "training" session.
I spent November 2022 in New Zealand, mostly backpacking and doing a bit of trail running. My childhood best friend got stuck there during the pandemic and is never coming home to the US now because why would you? It's beautiful there. She's run a number of marathons and was talking them up the whole time I visited, so when I found myself in Queenstown the day of the marathon last year...I signed up. My plan was to run the half, which still would've been a stretch. At the time, the longest run I'd ever done was 11 miles (and that was during the trip to NZ). But the half was sold out, my friend had to drive back to her little town, and I had a day to kill before my flight back to the States, so a full marathon it was! I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I spent some time madly googling, was well-informed that what I was about to do was very dumb, and decided to do it anyway.
Race info: Queenstown Marathon November 19, 2022 26.2 miles/1400 feet elevation change Goals: - Don't die (or get any major injury) -- achieved! - Run as much as possible -- achieved! (though tbh idk how I could've missed it) - Don't like get lost or something -- achieved! (unless you count falling in a lake as getting lost) - I should have included "don't fall in any bodies of water" but who would have thought to include that? Finish time: 4:59:59 Splits: 1 -- 9:52 2 -- 9:00 3 -- 9:29 4 -- 10:07 5 -- 10:21 6 -- 9:41 7 -- 9:37 8 -- 10:46 9 -- 10:14 10 -- 11:22 11 -- 10:24 12 -- 12:05 13 -- 10:36 14 -- 11:49 15 -- 10:26 16 -- 12:43 17 -- 11:31 18 -- 10:57 19 -- 11:28 20 -- 10:36 21 -- 11:46 22 -- 10:31 23 -- 13:45 24 -- 11:46 25 -- 12:54 26 -- 11:22
​
Training:
As noted, I did not explicitly train at all. I had no plans of running a marathon any time soon, though it was on my mind as an idea for the future. Maybe sometime in the text year.
That said, I was in very good shape when I attempted this, and probably would not have tried if I hadn't been. For most of 2022, I was running 3-5 miles 4x per week and going to the climbing gym the other 3 days. My primary mode of transportation was my bike. Most weekends, I did long hikes, averaging 10-25 miles and a lot of elevation gain. I'd guess I ran 15 miles, cycled 50 miles, and hiked 20 miles in any given week throughout 2022. In short: my cardiovascular fitness and leg strength were both quite high.
And then I spent the three weeks leading up to the marathon in a sort of bootcamp without intending to do so. The friend with whom I was staying is an ultrarunner. We did multiple 10-mile trail runs after work, spent three consecutive weekends doing backpacking trips involving about 15 miles/day off-trail over-land hiking, and on our "rest days" went gravel biking or climbing. I spent those three weeks perpetually hungry and sleeping incredibly well due to the exhaustion, but I quickly got whipped into the best shape of my life.
I signed up for the marathon on a Thursday which was already meant to be a rest day -- the first complete rest day of the entire trip. After signing up, I obviously did not do the hike I had originally planned for Friday. That meant I went into the marathon with two full days of rest, which is about as much rest as I have ever given myself in my entire life, and left me feeling totally antsy by Friday night. I drugged myself with Benadryl in order to sleep.
Race Morning:
I got up with my alarm feeling weirdly good at 5am (for an 8:20am race, where the last bus to the start line was at 6:45am). Since I didn't really have a race day nutrition plan, I ate my normal breakfast of a banana and peanut butter (with a bit more peanut butter than usual) and coffee, and brought an extra banana to eat right before the race. Then I walked to the bus stop and waited nervously with two other marathoners, also from out of town, all of us not at all sure whether the bus would come. It did, and we made it to the start line!
It was lightly raining and there were tons of people. The weather felt perfect and the energy felt good. I had an audiobook downloaded and ciabatta in my pocket; how could I fail?
The Course:
Most of the route is on hard-packed dirt/gravel trails. A small section is on boardwalks or bridges (I walked because I was afraid of slipping here). The remainder is on paved roads.
The course follows a river until the second aid station at 7 kilometers, then briefly a road until the 3rd aid station, then loops around a small lake for aid stations 4 and 5 until 18 kilometers, then follows a road until it picks up a river again at the 7th aid station at kilometer 26.5. After that, most of the elevation and all of the road running is done, and it's very pleasant along a river and then the lake past 4 more aid stations until kilometer 42. It finishes right in downtown Queenstown and runs right along the popular touristy waterfront, so there were lots of spectators. Running this far really highlights how small of a town Queenstown is, though -- most of the course you feel really far from town!
To summarize:
Aid station 1 after 3km
Aid station 2 after 7km
Aid station 3 after 10.5km
Aid station 4 after 13.5km
Aid station 5 after 18km
Aid station 6 after 22.5km
Aid station 7 after 26.5km
Aid station 8 after 29.5km
Aid station 9 after 32km
Aid station 10 after 35.5km
Aid station 11 after 39km
Finish at 42km
Since I didn't have any experience with a run this long, I used the aid stations to pace myself. Each one meant water and snack. I also used the portapotties more often than I probably needed to because I did not want to be caught without one.
The Race: I was probably the chillest person at the start line because I did not care how it went beyond surviving. I also had no idea how fast I was going to go so I started among the slowest group, then ran far too fast for them (and me, let's be real), then slowed way down when I realized I was being dumb and going too quickly. For reference, I ran my (longest ever) 11 mile trail run at about 9:30 pace, so there was no way I was going to do that for more than double the distance. I probably should've started out running 10:30-minute-miles, but I don't have a smartwatch so I wasn't paying that much attention. I also did not carry much of anything with me because I never do on runs and didn't want to start during a marathon. My plan, which I pretty much followed, was to slow to a walk when I saw an aid station, drink the water and eat the snacks they gave me, then continue to walk for a couple minutes before resuming running, while otherwise running the whole time. It worked well and I didn't feel nauseated. I did shove some ciabatta into my pockets that morning because I figured I'd need extra carbs and that was a good decision because I don't love goos or chews but I do love bread. Even smashed up bread that has been in a pocket for several hours.
Because I did not have a speed goal, I figured I should appreciate the route. For me, this meant touching every body of water, something I always do when traveling. If you read the title, you can see where this is going. Somewhere about mile 8, I skittered down an embankment to touch a lovely lake. This was ill-advised, because the embankment was absolutely covered in the slipperiest moss you have ever seen, and I ended up touching that lake with my entire body. Invigorating! 10/10 recommend when you're flagging on a long run -- a surprise cold-plunge really gives the adrenaline rush you may need. Running the rest of the route all wet was less ideal.
The portion up to the lake had passed pretty quickly, but miles 9-15 really dragged, possibly because I was soaking wet. This was also the portion of the race mostly on the road instead on trails, and I don't generally run on roads if I can avoid it. I let myself walk a little bit of each km, right at the km markers. This was great psychologically, because a kilometer feels like nothing! If I get a break every kilometer, I'm basically taking constant breaks! When we were back on the trail again, I resumed running more consistently.
I finished in under 5 hours (barely barely barely). I hated the people shouting "you can do it", especially the ones very close to the end because like dude I know I've run 25.9 miles I can manage 0.3 more! When I finished, I was so single-mindedly obsessed with acquiring a pizza that I didn't even take any pictures at the finish line. Oh, and then I had to walk three miles back to my Airbnb because all the roads were closed and I had not come up with a transportation plan. Don't be like me. But if you are like me, make sure you bring more ciabatta. And possibly a swimsuit.
​
Lessons Learned:

• Well, obviously, don't run a marathon without training.
• Beyond that, though, I'd say the biggest thing I did right was not trying anything new. I ate food and drank water and wore shoes as I would on a long hike. It all went pretty well. If you're going to jump into something kind of absurd like I did, try to make it as much like something you've done before.
• I was hurting when it was over, but I didn't feel terrible. Walking back to my Airbnb was totally doable. Getting on a 15-hour flight the next day wasn't the most fun, but it was okay.
• Eating is super important also, which I knew well from mega hikes. Fuel your body. Eat that entire pizza. Drink a lot of water. (The temperature was low so I didn't sweat much, but still).
• Since I didn't do much to prepare, I focused a lot on recovery, which for me has always been about sleeping a lot and eating a lot. I know there's a lot of opinions out there on how best to recover, but doing some gentle yoga-like moves to get my muscles to engage and then getting out of my body's way is my go-to.
• I did an easy hike the next day to keep my body moving, but nothing crazy. I didn't run again for 2 weeks, but I did cycle and climb within that window.

Will I ever run another marathon? Who's to say. Knowing me, probably.
I had a pretty bad knee injury this year so I'm just getting back to running right now, which means it won't be any time soon. But I would love to do an ultra. Maybe next summer?
I promise I'll train for that.

Not a fighter nor a serious enthusiast but I've been doing no-clinch MT since start of the year.
I went to Bangkok and gym-hopped. Some notes

1. Buy a Thai jump rope and focus on it, pushups, pullups, situps, and squats a couple of weeks before you visit.
2. Related to 1, you'll get the most of your training if you have good endurance. You don't want to be tired just after warmup (their warmup is almost a full workout).
3. If you're already training, ask your coach if you can add a 30-second burnout for each round of padwork. Trainers will adjust to your experience but expect them to push you until you can't punch.
4. It's actually beneficial to find a place with a ~15min walk to gym. Walk to/from gym really helps in training.
5. Learn basic Thai. Don't expect them to adjust to you.
6. Come to the gym with confidence. Act friendly but keep small talk to bare minimum (especially during training).
7. 100% don't slump or suddenly stop during padwork. Did this and got scolded and was told to sit down. Instead, just throw with lower power.
8. Ask before you take pictures and photos.
9. When sparring, throw more, check more, parry more. It doesn't matter if you get hit but it's your responsibility to attack and defend your partner and vice versa.

Sangmorakot Gym

• good place to start as it's an active gym (many Thais training here)
• ~15 mins rope, stretching, (at least) 4 rounds padwork, ~8 rounds bagwork, shadowbox
• They really, really focus on technique. My teep was bad and they had me teeping the bag for 3 rounds with a trainer watching.
• The manager may give you tickets to shows in Bangkok
• Will definitely come back. Good gym to get your basics correct... the Thai way.

FA Group

• Spar in the morning, clinch in the afternoon, minimal padwork (at least for newbies like me)
• Most physically demanding as you get to clinch with bigger guys, Thais, etc. I got paired with a Japanese MT champ and then a teenage girl (active fighter). My neck and traps were ultra sore the next day.
• Do a private with Yothin if you have no clinch training. He will teach you the basics (just enough to keep up with your partner).
• You can also do private with Petchboonchu (great teacher) but it's better if you do a session with him once you're more experienced in clinching

Superbon Camp

• Least intense gym as my class were mostly tourists
• But trainors will notice if you know some MT and they will really, really help to perfect your form (my straight after a switch was too predictable and they fixed it)
• More focused on fitness but the fighters (training on the ring) had some CLEAN technique
• Got to see Nong-O do pads - immaculate form

​

Edit: I feel cold and empty, more than ever. I can't even explain my own thoughts in a way that other people can understand. Everyone's asking questions or giving me advice I've either already gone over, and then getting mad at me when I don't understand what they don't understand. I just wanna be understood, but clearly I can't do that. I'm not smart enough to have the right vocabulary to explain my thoughts and feelings and situation, so you guys aren't getting the full view and are filling in the gaps with your own assumptions and no no no no no stop it! You're not understanding me! No one understands me. And it's because I'm stupid, I don't have the intelligence to describe what's happening to me. It's like there's a color inside me but no one has seen it so I can't describe it and I just get angry and even more depressed because I just want to be understood and share this color but I can't, and I can't describe it because there's no words to describe a color that doesn't exist.
I'm sad and angry and I just want someone to understand me.
 
I don't wanna do any of this anymore. My friends, my family, no one understands me, and it's become clear I physically cannot make them understand me. If God is real, what a sick fucking joke he likes to play.
 
There's simply no future or hope anymore. I'm very tired, I'm gonna shut my eyes for the long sleep now. Goodbye everyone. I wish you all the best. I hope the people in your life understand you :')
 
 
 
 
Hello everyone, my name is Shylo (not real but internet name). I have been single since I was in my senior year of High School, about 8 years now.
No matter how hard I try or don't try, whether I just be me or try to do those tricks and tips stuff, I never have any success.
I'm a normal-looking man skewing towards the unattractive side in the face area. I'm not hideous but I'm definitely not a picture you'd hang in your office.
I do pushups and situps and stuff (not a workout, just keeping some shape) a couple times a week, so my body does look decent, but again not a model body you'd put on a magazine.
This next part I say with all the modesty I can; I think I'm pretty funny! I'm a real goofball and I frequently make my friends, family, and strangers laugh. I enjoy nothing more than making the person behind the counter laugh and have a better day!
I've been told since I was a kid about the whole fake confidence thing, and I've gone my whole life giving off an air of confidence but making sure I don't come across as boastful or arrogant.
I work a good job with easy hours and great pay, I love my coworkers and they all seem to like me! I have my own house and maintain a nice-looking car, so I hope I come across as someone you can count on/successful/has his shit together (not sure the right word to use).
So overall I'd think I'm a good 5/10! But in practice I'm a 0/10. I'm cursed! Lol
Women I meet in person, whether it be at city or hobby events or outings; we'll have some sort of light-hearted discussion and I'll make jokes and try to make a new friend! If she's flirty or seems open to it, I'll advance to deeper conversation and from there usually we discuss something cool like the hobby we're currently enjoying or something else she's interested in (I just spoke with a woman recently who does civil war reenactment, for example). I almost always get their number (asked or offered) but then 9 times out of 10 we'll keep texting and she will say that they like me but only see me as a potential friend. The other 1/10 times is just getting ghosted over text.
Women I meet online, whether it be Tinder or Bumble or Match, etc; When I match with someone on these applications, I'm always the first to initiate conversation. I like to come up with a joke related to their interests in their profile. This has always gone well and I've always had good discussion and more laughs come out of this. Then we'll meet for a date and everything goes perfectly. Then sometime after the date, I get that dreaded text that they think I'd be a much better friend and aren't interested in dating me.
Women I meet online, videogames and fiction circles; I've met a handful of very wonderful Women online, usually when playin videogames but a handful of times through fiction fan groups (like TV show subreddits or Book subreddits)! These are always the best dates because we have the most chemistry and fun! But again, after the date, I get the classic "let's be friends, no dating" response I've become so used to.
I've asked, at this point most, of them politely why or if there's anything I could have done better and I never get a legitimate response, EVEN when I pick out individual things about myself and they go "no, I didnt notice that" or "no, that's not a big deal/bother me". It's always just some variation of "idk, you feel like a great friend, no romantic interest in you at all though". This is proving to be more and more hell each time it happens.
I do have very bad depression, but I don't feel like I've ever shown it. Even my best friend had no idea until I told him I've been struggling with depression since I was 5. I make sure I don't show my disappointment with dating or wear it publicly, especially when talking to a Woman, so I know it's not me being depressing or anything, especially as I'm usually making them laugh right up until they open their door to go home. Can the people I'm talking to somehow sense that I'm not happy inside?
I don't even care about sex anymore, that ship sailed years ago. I just want to care for someone and love them, to shower them in affection and spend our days happy together. I don't care how they look anymore, I've been on several dates with women I would consider very very unattractive but it's always the same result the next day. I just wanna Love. I should never have broken up with my high school girlfriend, I think she's cursed me, lol. Maybe if me and Barbossa hadn't tried to get that pirate treasure, our souls would be un-cursed :p
I just wanna know I'm not the only one in this boat. I feel like I'm genuinely doing everything I can short of wearing a 3-piece suit everywhere, and I still cannot find Love. No one wants to Love me, they like when I make them laugh or be happy, but no one wants the same back for me.

Hello everyone, my name is Shylo (not real but internet name). I have been single since I was in my senior year of High School, about 8 years now.
No matter how hard I try or don't try, whether I just be me or try to do those tricks and tips stuff, I never have any success.
I'm a normal-looking man skewing towards the unattractive side in the face area. I'm not hideous but I'm definitely not a picture you'd hang in your office.
I do pushups and situps and stuff (not a workout, just keeping some shape) a couple times a week, so my body does look decent, but again not a model body you'd put on a magazine.
This next part I say with all the modesty I can; I think I'm pretty funny! I'm a real goofball and I frequently make my friends, family, and strangers laugh. I enjoy nothing more than making the person behind the counter laugh and have a better day!
I've been told since I was a kid about the whole fake confidence thing, and I've gone my whole life giving off an air of confidence but making sure I don't come across as boastful or arrogant.
I work a good job with easy hours and great pay, I love my coworkers and they all seem to like me! I have my own house and maintain a nice-looking car, so I hope I come across as someone you can count on/successful/has his shit together (not sure the right word to use).
So overall I'd think I'm a good 5/10! But in practice I'm a 0/10. I'm cursed! Lol
Women I meet in person, whether it be at city or hobby events or outings; we'll have some sort of light-hearted discussion and I'll make jokes and try to make a new friend! If she's flirty or seems open to it, I'll advance to deeper conversation and from there usually we discuss something cool like the hobby we're currently enjoying or something else she's interested in (I just spoke with a woman recently who does civil war reenactment, for example). I almost always get their number (asked or offered) but then 9 times out of 10 we'll keep texting and she will say that they like me but only see me as a potential friend. The other 1/10 times is just getting ghosted over text.
Women I meet online, whether it be Tinder or Bumble or Match, etc; When I match with someone on these applications, I'm always the first to initiate conversation. I like to come up with a joke related to their interests in their profile. This has always gone well and I've always had good discussion and more laughs come out of this. Then we'll meet for a date and everything goes perfectly. Then sometime after the date, I get that dreaded text that they think I'd be a much better friend and aren't interested in dating me.
Women I meet online, videogames and fiction circles; I've met a handful of very wonderful Women online, usually when playin videogames but a handful of times through fiction fan groups (like TV show subreddits or Book subreddits)! These are always the best dates because we have the most chemistry and fun! But again, after the date, I get the classic "let's be friends, no dating" response I've become so used to.
I've asked, at this point most, of them politely why or if there's anything I could have done better and I never get a legitimate response, EVEN when I pick out individual things about myself and they go "no, I didnt notice that" or "no, that's not a big deal/bother me". It's always just some variation of "idk, you feel like a great friend, no romantic interest in you at all though". This is proving to be more and more hell each time it happens.
I do have very bad depression, but I don't feel like I've ever shown it. Even my best friend had no idea until I told him I've been struggling with depression since I was 5. I make sure I don't show my disappointment with dating or wear it publicly, especially when talking to a Woman, so I know it's not me being depressing or anything, especially as I'm usually making them laugh right up until they open their door to go home. Can the people I'm talking to somehow sense that I'm not happy inside?
I don't even care about sex anymore, that ship sailed years ago. I just want to care for someone and love them, to shower them in affection and spend our days happy together. I don't care how they look anymore, I've been on several dates with women I would consider very very unattractive but it's always the same result the next day. I just wanna Love. I should never have broken up with my high school girlfriend, I think she's cursed me, lol. Maybe if me and Barbossa hadn't tried to get that pirate treasure, our souls would be un-cursed :p
I just wanna know I'm not the only one in this boat. I feel like I'm genuinely doing everything I can short of wearing a 3-piece suit everywhere, and I still cannot find Love. No one wants to Love me, they like when I make them laugh or be happy, but no one wants the same back for me.

Hello everyone, my name is Shylo (not real but internet name). I have been single since I was in my senior year of High School, about 8 years now.
No matter how hard I try or don't try, whether I just be me or try to do those tricks and tips stuff, I never have any success.
I'm a normal-looking man skewing towards the unattractive side in the face area. I'm not hideous but I'm definitely not a picture you'd hang in your office.
I do pushups and situps and stuff (not a workout, just keeping some shape) a couple times a week, so my body does look decent, but again not a model body you'd put on a magazine.
This next part I say with all the modesty I can; I think I'm pretty funny! I'm a real goofball and I frequently make my friends, family, and strangers laugh. I enjoy nothing more than making the person behind the counter laugh and have a better day!
I've been told since I was a kid about the whole fake confidence thing, and I've gone my whole life giving off an air of confidence but making sure I don't come across as boastful or arrogant.
I work a good job with easy hours and great pay, I love my coworkers and they all seem to like me! I have my own house and maintain a nice-looking car, so I hope I come across as someone you can count on/successful/has his shit together (not sure the right word to use).
So overall I'd think I'm a good 5/10! But in practice I'm a 0/10. I'm cursed! Lol
Women I meet in person, whether it be at city or hobby events or outings; we'll have some sort of light-hearted discussion and I'll make jokes and try to make a new friend! If she's flirty or seems open to it, I'll advance to deeper conversation and from there usually we discuss something cool like the hobby we're currently enjoying or something else she's interested in (I just spoke with a woman recently who does civil war reenactment, for example). I almost always get their number (asked or offered) but then 9 times out of 10 we'll keep texting and she will say that they like me but only see me as a potential friend. The other 1/10 times is just getting ghosted over text.
Women I meet online, whether it be Tinder or Bumble or Match, etc; When I match with someone on these applications, I'm always the first to initiate conversation. I like to come up with a joke related to their interests in their profile. This has always gone well and I've always had good discussion and more laughs come out of this. Then we'll meet for a date and everything goes perfectly. Then sometime after the date, I get that dreaded text that they think I'd be a much better friend and aren't interested in dating me.
Women I meet online, videogames and fiction circles; I've met a handful of very wonderful Women online, usually when playin videogames but a handful of times through fiction fan groups (like TV show subreddits or Book subreddits)! These are always the best dates because we have the most chemistry and fun! But again, after the date, I get the classic "let's be friends, no dating" response I've become so used to.
I've asked, at this point most, of them politely why or if there's anything I could have done better and I never get a legitimate response, EVEN when I pick out individual things about myself and they go "no, I didnt notice that" or "no, that's not a big deal/bother me". It's always just some variation of "idk, you feel like a great friend, no romantic interest in you at all though". This is proving to be more and more hell each time it happens.
I do have very bad depression, but I don't feel like I've ever shown it. Even my best friend had no idea until I told him I've been struggling with depression since I was 5. I make sure I don't show my disappointment with dating or wear it publicly, especially when talking to a Woman, so I know it's not me being depressing or anything, especially as I'm usually making them laugh right up until they open their door to go home. Can the people I'm talking to somehow sense that I'm not happy inside?
I don't even care about sex anymore, that ship sailed years ago. I just want to care for someone and love them, to shower them in affection and spend our days happy together. I don't care how they look anymore, I've been on several dates with women I would consider very very unattractive but it's always the same result the next day. I just wanna Love. I should never have broken up with my high school girlfriend, I think she's cursed me, lol. Maybe if me and Barbossa hadn't tried to get that pirate treasure, our souls would be un-cursed :p
I just wanna know I'm not the only one in this boat. I feel like I'm genuinely doing everything I can short of wearing a 3-piece suit everywhere, and I still cannot find Love. No one wants to Love me, they like when I make them laugh or be happy, but no one wants the same back for me.

Hello everyone, my name is Shylo (not real but internet name). I have been single since I was in my senior year of High School, about 8 years now.
No matter how hard I try or don't try, whether I just be me or try to do those tricks and tips stuff, I never have any success.
 
I'm a normal-looking man skewing towards the unattractive side in the face area. I'm not hideous but I'm definitely not a picture you'd hang in your office.
I do pushups and situps and stuff (not a workout, just keeping some shape) a couple times a week, so my body does look decent, but again not a model body you'd put on a magazine.
This next part I say with all the modesty I can; I think I'm pretty funny! I'm a real goofball and I frequently make my friends, family, and strangers laugh. I enjoy nothing more than making the person behind the counter laugh and have a better day!
I've been told since I was a kid about the whole fake confidence thing, and I've gone my whole life giving off an air of confidence but making sure I don't come across as boastful or arrogant.
I work a good job with easy hours and great pay, I love my coworkers and they all seem to like me! I have my own house and maintain a nice-looking car, so I hope I come across as someone you can count on/successful/has his shit together (not sure the right word to use).
 
So overall I'd think I'm a good 5/10! But in practice I'm a 0/10. I'm cursed! Lol
 
Women I meet in person, whether it be at city or hobby events or outings; we'll have some sort of light-hearted discussion and I'll make jokes and try to make a new friend! If she's flirty or seems open to it, I'll advance to deeper conversation and from there usually we discuss something cool like the hobby we're currently enjoying or something else she's interested in (I just spoke with a woman recently who does civil war reenactment, for example). I almost always get their number (asked or offered) but then 9 times out of 10 we'll keep texting and she will say that they like me but only see me as a potential friend. The other 1/10 times is just getting ghosted over text.
Women I meet online, whether it be Tinder or Bumble or Match, etc; When I match with someone on these applications, I'm always the first to initiate conversation. I like to come up with a joke related to their interests in their profile. This has always gone well and I've always had good discussion and more laughs come out of this. Then we'll meet for a date and everything goes perfectly. Then sometime after the date, I get that dreaded text that they think I'd be a much better friend and aren't interested in dating me.
Women I meet online, videogames and fiction circles; I've met a handful of very wonderful Women online, usually when playin videogames but a handful of times through fiction fan groups (like TV show subreddits or Book subreddits)! These are always the best dates because we have the most chemistry and fun! But again, after the date, I get the classic "let's be friends, no dating" response I've become so used to.
I've asked, at this point most, of them politely why or if there's anything I could have done better and I never get a legitimate response, EVEN when I pick out individual things about myself and they go "no, I didnt notice that" or "no, that's not a big deal/bother me". It's always just some variation of "idk, you feel like a great friend, no romantic interest in you at all though". This is proving to be more and more hell each time it happens.
I do have very bad depression, but I don't feel like I've ever shown it. Even my best friend had no idea until I told him I've been struggling with depression since I was 5. I make sure I don't show my disappointment with dating or wear it publicly, especially when talking to a Woman, so I know it's not me being depressing or anything, especially as I'm usually making them laugh right up until they open their door to go home. Can the people I'm talking to somehow sense that I'm not happy inside?
 
I don't even care about sex anymore, that ship sailed years ago. I just want to care for someone and love them, to shower them in affection and spend our days happy together. I don't care how they look anymore, I've been on several dates with women I would consider very very unattractive but it's always the same result the next day. I just wanna Love. I should never have broken up with my high school girlfriend, I think she's cursed me, lol. Maybe if me and Barbossa hadn't tried to get that pirate treasure, our souls would be un-cursed :p
I just wanna know I'm not the only one in this boat. I feel like I'm genuinely doing everything I can short of wearing a 3-piece suit everywhere, and I still cannot find Love. No one wants to Love me, they like when I make them laugh or be happy, but no one wants the same back for me.

It's great to hear that you're willing to work and change :)
This is going to be a long, long post FYI.
This may seem overwhelming. But I can help you simplify it into a 'learning routine' so you don't have to think about it too much and you know what to do every day.
Just let me know if you want help there as well.
1st, while it doesn't feel this way, there are a couple truths to recognize:

• Like a newborn isn't broken for not being able to walk, you're not broken either. You simply haven't learned the right skills yet.
• You'll never run out of people that you can potentially become friends with.
  • There are 400,000,000+ native english speakers on the planet. If you made a fool of yourself in front of 10 people each day, for the next 5 years (18,250), there would still be 399,981,750 other people that have no idea who you are.
  • So, while looking stupid in front of someone can feel like the end of the world, it's a feeling that is a lie.
  • You can always start fresh.

Actions
1. Social Anxiety. This can have many causes, but the most common are general anxiety, lack of social skills, fear of being not liked.

1. General anxiety. Try these first, then see a professional if necessary:
2. Get lots of sunlight, especially in the morning. Keep lights very dim at night.
3. Physical activity. Walk a couple miles & do some simple pushups/situps.It doesn't have to be too intense. Just move.
4. Primarily consume plants and animals & water (not stuff that has a list of ingredients).
5. Unplug. Replace 30 min of screen time with quiet and silence (in the beginning you'll feel bored and restless). Ideally you keep increasing screen time with real world time.
6. This is all for biological reasons. The human body was designed to be outside moving all day in the sun, heat, and cold. No screens. No fake lights. Getting back to those behaviors puts the body back in it's natural environment.

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1. Lack of social skills. Most people are anxious when they have to play a game but they don't know how. Building the right skills will remove that concern.

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1. Fear of not being liked. This is common, but we can solve with exposure therapy. It's just like building a tolerance for alcohol or spicy foods. Over time you'll realize that people's opinions don't matter much.
2. Do some small things that are selfish. Or that seem weird. The goal is to get used to 'not pleasing people' or 'looking weird' and not caring.
3. Ask for a discount at the store for no reason.
4. Wear a weird piece of clothing or outfit in public. Maybe just go for a walk to do it.
5. Don't wear makeup. Or do it so it looks kind of odd.
6. Don't hold the door for people but go in first.
7. Work out in public at a park or gym.
8. Start publishing videos of you talking on social media or Youtube (this may be when you're comfortable / advanced in your fear busting).
9. etc.

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2. Filled with Interesting things to say
1. Being interesting

1. Hobbies. Pickup a common hobby and an uncommon hobby. One lets you relate to people. The other is something curious that you can teach people about. A common hobby may be photography or the piano. An uncommon hobby may be restoring old radios or cellular anatomy. Just explore different things until you find a couple that intrigue you.
2. Personal Experiences. You may not have many of these yet. But record any personal stories you can think of in a list. However I expect that you have family/acquaintances that have interesting stories.
3. Current Events. Read a few news articles each day. Get them from different sources so you have multiple views. You'll find over time that many topics repeat. And you'll be able to form an opinion on various topics as well as find crazy stories. You'll also discover that some topics interest you more than others which may be a source of personal interest/hobbies.
4. Opinions. Take common topics or controversial topics and research them. Try and find the truth. Try and understand the reasons why you have formed your opinions.
5. Start to try new things. It's scary to leave what you know or go somewhere alone. Find one or two things that are intimidating but you think would be fun. Go and do them, even if you're by yourself.

2. Always something to say (trains my brain to 'fill up' instead of'empty").

1. Random topic practice.
   1. Google 'random noun generator' so you can get a random word. Set a timer for 1 min. Then talk about everything you can think of relating to that word. Questions, stories, experiences, opinions, jokes, news, etc.As you get better, add time. As you get better try to start with a random word but try to end on a topic you're interested in.
   2. Check a news source. Pick a headline at random. Set a timer for 1 min.Then talk about everything you can think of relating to that word.Questions, stories, experiences, opinions, jokes, news, etc.
2. Asking good questions
   1. New Question Practice. Here I take 3-5 min to try and think of interesting & novel questions to ask a stranger. So nothing common like'hows the weather'. This helps me think more creatively in conversations. People respond with more interest to a question they've never heard than to one that is common. - "Why do you think peacocks have bright tails?" is more intriguing to most people than "hows the weather"?
   2. Question re-frasing. Here I take 3-5min to try and think of a different way to ask common questions. Instead of 'what's the weather' I may think of 'wouldn't it be weird if it snowed a foot today'. I want to take boring questions and try to make them more intriguing.
   3. Observational questions. Try to come up with questions based off the environment. Example: At a coffee shop look at a person and try to come up with as many questions about them as you can. See how many questions you can come up with about the inside of the coffee shop.(You can also do this to different scenes or people on TV shows)

3. Articulate and intelligent with words

1. Write daily
   1. Keep a daily journal. Writing helps the brain organize it's thoughts clearly. Express events, goals, and how you feel.
2. Explain topics
   1. With the current events you read about or opinions you have on topics, try to explain them. Practice writing them. Practice verbally explaining them (to yourself). Record yourself on your phone trying to explain a topic and and review/critique it.
   2. To really boost your results here, start publishing your videos to youtube or social media. You'll get used to not being perfect and feeling the pressure of 'performing'.
   3. Listen and read others who are articulate
3. Association & Osmosis.
   1. Are there public figures or peeps on YouTube that speak well? What books or writings do you admire? Consume their content. Try and dissect how they speak, what they say, how they move. This is really building your analytical muscles. But as you get better you'll see things you want to incorporate yourself.
   2. Here are a few people I refer to for their articulation, you can find them on all socials.: Tom Bilyeu. Lisa Bilyeu. Alex Hormozi. Leila Hormozi.
4. Professional Sales and sales copywriting.
   1. If you want to get great at communicating, these are to rabbit holes you should go down. Way too much to address here.

4. Mannerisms

1. Politicians and celebrities have image consultants that work with them to do the exact same thing that you want to do. They help them speak and carry their body in the most appealing, attractive, convincing ways.
2. Find mannerisms you like / want
   1. Who is charismatic or impressive? Watch their content. Record notes or take video if it's real life. Write down specific behaviors they do or don't do. Youtube is a great place for this. The big men's and women's channels are filled with people that have worked their asses off to become attractive presenters. Celebrity interviews on late night TV can be a great resource. Also Charisma on Command is a decent resource although it does skew towards men. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhGFHWouHHw
3. Critique yourself
   1. Watch or record yourself trying to explain something. What do you do that you like? what don't you like? What can you change.
   2. Watching yourself in the mirror and recording yourself are the biggest hacks. You feel uncomfortable looking at yourself. But over time you get used to it and you get waay good at discovering the perfect mannerisms.
4. Emulate others
   1. One by one, start replacing your mannerisms with others. Try this in front of the mirror to get the movements right. Do it over and over and over. Then record yourself, without a mirror, to see your progress. It really comes down to the repetitions so you reflexively behave the right way all the time.

5. Good at talking to guys

1. Getting decent at conversations in general is 3/4 of what you need here.But for the rest I'm going to refer to you Matthew Hussey as the most thoughtful and practical source I've ever found for the women side of dealign with romance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndra_xByibg

6. Excited to talk to new people
his comes naturally as you get more comfortable in conversations and start to see people responding to you. It's a snowball effect. The better you get the less fear you have, the more success you see, the more you want to be around other people.
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There are other exercises we can do to 'polish' your skills once you have the basics down. Almost everything here you will do by yourself. Round 2 is when you start to actively talk to new people and start conversations.
If something here doesn't make sense please let me know so I can further explain.
It does seem like a lot of work. But really, 30-60 minutes per day and you'll be amazed at how fast you improve.