An open letter to Benedictine College and Harrison Butker
I first came across the Harrison Butker’s 2025 commencement speech at Benedictine College on Twitter. It was a short snippet of the speech and I was in disbelief of what I heard. Intrigued, I went to YouTube to find a recording of the whole speech before drawing further conclusions. Now, I am nearly beyond words.
I grew up in the Catholic Church, attended a Catholic high school, and do still consider myself to be Catholic, although not without my own qualms with the church. However, this is not about that. I am also a more recent college graduate. I graduated from a large public university 5 years ago and am looking forward to obtaining my graduate degree next year, both degrees I have worked incredibly hard for and am immensely proud of. I don’t remember my own commencement speech, but if it was anything like this, I am glad I don’t- I loved my undergraduate experience and will be proud to have my diploma framed and hanging one day. Harrison Butker’s speech is condescending, out of touch, and against the very values of your school. You both, Benedictine College and Harrison Butker, owe these graduating students an apology.
As a proudly Catholic college, I do not hold issue you or your choice in speaker with promoting Catholicism and the beliefs of the Catholic Church, even in regard to politics; while I may not agree, that is your choice to do so and one that underlies the foundation of your school.
The class of 2025, as with many recent graduates and current students, have had to work through a unique set of hardships as a whole, beyond the personal hardships we all face. Mr. Butker is not a recent graduate, nor is he working directly with a school or university. College is a change for everyone from high school, with the course load, schedule, and independence, but beyond the nervousness and uncertainty that comes with this new phase, students are able to rely on the fact that since its inception, the college experience has been relatively stable, until the COVID-19 pandemic. Students, and faculty, were forced to rapidly adapt to a situation that we knew very little about and had no history to guide us. To minimize that, say that “it is not unique,” especially as someone who was not experiencing it from an educational aspect, is disrespectful to students and faculty, regardless of beliefs on the issue. Pandemics are not new, nor are controversial policies, but what these students faced, was new. I know of no other time during our history, where thousands of students were nearly overnight told to immediately leave their housing and worry about their finances and shelter as not everyone has the means to find new housing or go back to their parents, have food outside of the dinings halls, or access to a computer and internet to complete their coursework where they had planned on attending in person or using university resources, when these things are apart of what students pay thousands of dollars for or take loans to afford as part of their college expenses. Whether or not you support these policies and changes, that does not lessen the unique hardships faced or make a student wrong for adhering to them when failure to do so could result in greater consequences. If there is another time where this has happened, I am happy to be referred so that I can learn. It is one thing to say that the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety around new policies and adapting to them are not unique, but another to say that the challenges these students faced as a result of policy is not unique, it is disrespectful, condescending, and completely out of place as someone who did not experience it.
Beyond this, it is even more disrespectful to diminish the accomplishments of particularly the female graduates of your university by allowing your speaker to advocate forgoing using their degree and instead, choose being a wife and mother. To Benedictine College, if this is what your school advocates, then why charge tuition to your female students? How will they pay for it or pay off their loans for it? Do you expect your female graduates to marry a man who will pay off their debts? What happens if they don’t or if they choose a vocation in religious life, are their debts forgiven? To take it a step further, why admit female students at all if their degree is not meant to be used? A yearly tuition of $35,000 seems a greedy ask to attain what becomes a useless degree. Maybe this is not something you support, but I have yet to see any statement indicating dissent with this position. The Benedictine sisterhood and St. Scholastica, its founder, take pride in education and she herself do not choose the vocation of marriage. How would St. Scholastica be able to attend your college when she found her vocation to be in the religious life? To Harrison Butker, how dare you? I am happy for you and your family that your wife can be a homemaker if that’s what she wants to do, but that is completely out of touch for what nearly all of these students will face as they graduate. Your family can comfortably live on just your salary of over $4 million per year, but you are a minority in this situation. You speak of not allowing cost of living to prohibiting where you live, but with your salary, I’m sure there are few areas you cannot find suitable housing and access to food. Is one supposed to choose to live in circumstances where they do not have a stable shelter in favor of a more traditional priest? Earlier in your speech you mention “accepting your lane and staying in it,” I believe you should have taken your own advice, because your lane is far wealthier than mine and likely all of the graduates you are speaking to. Most families will need two salaries to live in even a fraction of the comfort you live and even then, may not be comfortable. From what I understand, you went to GT on a scholarship, another minority, factor in student loans, and the comfort fraction becomes even smaller. Should a family live in a constant state of worry about money so that a woman can be a homemaker? You spoke of charity and the platform God has given you, but I do not see you using your wealth for charitable acts to support the lifestyle you advocate in these graduates. You decide to speak for women and presume they are most excited at the prospect of marriage and children when you are speaking to congratulate them on a major accomplishment that has little to do with their future as a wife or mother. Can a woman not find fulfillment and a calling as a valuable member of the workforce and a wife and mother. As a woman who anticipates graduating from medical school in one year, is being a doctor not part of God’s plan for me? As I understand it, my vocation, is not between being a wife and mother or being a doctor, but of the calling to serve as a married, single, or religious person. You make it seem as though I cannot be both a doctor and family woman one day. You make remarks about controlling how and when children are conceived. You condemn IVF and surrogacy when a large portion of woman and men in this country struggle with infertility or health conditions making a pregnancy incredibly dangerous. If a woman cannot naturally have a child then is she not to be a mother? Do you also condemn adoption as it a choice and controlled method of becoming a parent? Is it only if a woman is unable to conceive naturally that it is acceptable to work rather than be a homemaker? I have always been taught in my experience with the Catholic Church to welcome children into your life whenever they come about, not as a barrier to being a working mom. You have laid out the options as black or white, mother or worker, when I believe the advice is to be open to and welcome God’s plan for you in both areas of your life. Not only do you advocate for the females graduates to forgo the workforce when this is an unrealistic path for most, but in doing so, you add extra pressure to the male graduates to provide in an unrealistic way. At what cost do men take higher paying jobs they are unhappy in so that their wives can be homemakers? You have worked hard to get to where you are, say you are doing something you love, and are able to show the fruits of that labor, should these graduates not show all of the knowledge and skills they have gained through earning their degree?
To Harrison Butker, I, too, am Catholic. I believe we also are similar in that we question right from wrong and do not just blindly accept the things that are fed to us. You say that our priests and bishops are anointed by God, but quickly question that anointing. I now question you, in who you are to question who has been anointed by God. You point out it is your duty as a father to lead your son. In our faith, we call our priests Father, but you call us to question and right them, should they not lead us? Should we not follow the quote you use of trusting our priests to translate the teachings of the Bible for us? Does your son question you and what is your response? You call for priests and bishops to be righted but also to stay in our lane. I do not mean to support the actions of our church leaders either way, but as an individual am not following what you ask of these graduates.
To Harrison Butker, you say you speak from experience, but it seems your experiences are vastly different than most of the graduates you speak to. Your statements contradict one another, in questioning our church leaders, staying in our lane, and even speaking of your wife as someone who converted to Catholicism but later question being with someone of a different faith, not allowing for change. As I have stated before, it is one thing to speak of shared feelings, but another to speak of a shared experience. You give advice in black or white rather than ideas for consideration and reflection. Listening to your commencement speech, I can’t imagine I would have found excitement for the future and wisdom as I start to move forward on my own. Had this been my speech to give, I couldn’t speak to a lot of the challenges these students faced, but can empathize with the fears of stepping out of the student life and uncertainty about my future. I could speak to how being able to adapt to challenges, facing hardship in my own way has made me strong and able to persevere and that they too have grown to be stronger and able to persevere too, even if they are not confident. I could speak to how money is not always the most important thing in life, your church, your family, your community are all things to reflect on when making decisions about the future. But, this was not my speech, it was yours. My ideas may not be right, maybe it has more “fluff” than yours, but they do not tell me the right or wrong way to live my life, as that is between me and God.
To Benedictine College, much of this is address to Harrison Butker. However, this is the person you chose and supported in giving a commencement speech. What is address to him, is also a reflection of what you support and believe, and the message you hope to send your graduates off with. I am not one of your graduates, happy to say I am not with this speech, but at least for me, this is the representation I have of your school.
To Benedictine College and Harrison Butker, you both owe the graduates an apology for these disrespectful and confusing sentiments as they enter a new and stressful chapter of their lives.
To the Benedictine College class of 2025, congratulations!

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Chapter 15: For What You’ve Tamed
“We’ve come a long way, Vikri. Let’s finish your story,” Rayner said as he sat down in the same chair, crossing his legs in the same way.; small consistencies that made the task of talking about my past seem a little more routine. “I understand you lost someone important to you that day.”
I shifted slightly where I sat. “Yeah,” I answered coarsely. I grabbed at the poncho hanging over my shoulders. I remembered what it felt like in my dreams. Radiant warmth always seemed to emanate from it. Not necessarily the poncho itself, but Tenga’s memory. I realized that as long as I had those, then he was still here in a way. I’d much rather have him here than his memory though.
Rayner nodded. “I know what that’s like,” he said in a near whisper.
I shook my head. “It’s not just that I lost him. I…I failed,” I rasped. “I could’ve saved him. Maybe if I’d gone back I could’ve gotten the equipment before the fire did. I was too afraid.”
Rayner nodded slowly. “And now you feel responsible.”
I remained silent as I clutched my tail on the couch beside me. Rayner already knew the answer. He pursed his lips. “Yeah…I know exactly how that feels.”
I looked up at him. For the first time, his eyes weren’t on me, but on the adjacent wall as he seemed to ponder something. “You think about all the things you could have done differently. Things that are so obvious in hindsight,” he sighed and adjusted his glasses. “If only it were that clear in the moment.” He looked up at me, clasping his hands together. “So walk me through what happened.”
I could still vividly remember the moment Tenga got shot. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. So quickly in fact, that it even took Tenga a moment to realize there was a hole in his torso. Minutes of continuous tension shattered with a hail of gunfire lasting less than a second. The echoes continued to howl through the mountains long after the bodies met the snow. My friend was fatally wounded, the snow around him dyed bright red with his blood. And I had to leave him.
The entire time I was in the belly of the federation destroyer with danger lurking around every corner, all I wanted to do was to get this done as quickly as possible and get back to him. I was enraged that they’d done this to him and to billions just like him.
“Tenga was all I thought about the entire time,” I croaked. “And I…I was willing to kill everyone onboard to get back to him, even if there was no way I ever could. I… did things I could never have imagined myself doing even just days ago. I tore a chunk out of my leg just to be able to get to the Krakotl pinning me down with a crowbar.” I inhaled deeply, staring down at my reflection in the water, recalling my bloodshot eyes in the reflection of the ship's monitor. The grimly colorful bloodstains in my fur from several different species.
Rayner nodded. “It was a desperate situation. Many don’t see themselves doing things like that until they’re put in a situation where it's necessary. A situation where it's do or die. No one can fault you for that, especially not with all that depended on you.”
“I guess I just…It’s just worrying knowing that there’s a part of me capable of that.”
The doctor tapped his pen on his notepad as he seemed to think for a moment. “Do you worry that you may have violent outbursts?”
I scoffed. “Well, the events of a few days ago provided good grounds for worry.”
Rayner nodded. “Aggression is common for PTSD victims. It can be difficult to manage intense emotions when your mind is already dealing with so much.
I shook my head. “That’s not the person I want to be.”
Rayner nodded. “I know Vikri. That’s why it's so crucial for you to talk about this stuff. The less all of this weighs on you, the better you’ll be able to control those emotions when they arise.”
He finished writing on his notepad before taking off his glasses and leaning forward slightly. “So what happened to Tenga?”
The question made my heart sink. My mind went quiet. The second hand of time sounded like the footsteps of a giant marching toward…something. My body seemed to go cold and numb. “He died…” I croaked, staring down at the table. That was the first time I’d admitted that to myself verbally in such a direct way. “And I tried so hard,” I choked, tears now streaming down my face. “I did everything in my power to save him. I even put Querek’s life in danger.”
I felt the heat. I could feel cold water dripping from my paws as the burning ship melted the frost accumulating in my fur. I remembered the terrifying hopelessness that gripped me as I gripped Querek and pushed him into the snow. He tried to sacrifice himself for Tenga. What if I had let him? Would it have even worked? Could Tenga accept that?
I recalled the story to Rayner, battling to keep my composure. “I…I watched him die,” I choked. “And I was furious. Reese had to pull me off of him. I wanted to do…something, anything, but…he told them not to bring him back. I think he…” I winced at the thought of him considering this. “I think he’d rather have died sacrificing himself over…going rabid.”
Silence perforated the room for what felt like several long minutes. Rayner sat with his legs crossed, his hand propped up against his mouth. He seemed to become lost in thought for a moment before speaking. “I know how that guilt feels,” he admitted quietly.
I looked at him, somewhat surprised. “You do?”
Rayner nodded, rubbing his hands together. “My son,” he said plainly, taking a long pause before he continued. “He and Jesse were very close as kids. Practically brothers.” He tapped on his clipboard with his pen. “I was…not so available in those days. I was a very different man than I am now. I was still in school. I was always busy, always stressed. I hadn't even considered becoming a therapist. I was deadset on becoming a neurosurgeon.” He scoffed at himself, his head gently shaking back and forth as his gaze grew distant. His delivery lacked that matter-of-fact candor I was so used to by now. He was much quieter; less animated. His eye contact was sporadic and he never stopped fidgeting with his pen. Everything about him seemed suddenly mired in an emotion that was difficult to read. That was when I saw everything we'd done over the past few days for what it really was. Rayner wasn't invincible. He never claimed to be. He was hurt; I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a person reaching down into the mud and yanking me out by the nape of the neck. He was man covered in mud himself. He wasn't an untouchable hero. Merely a guide.
He continued as that realization struck me. “I loved him as much as a father could. But I was so busy that…well I wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been. That put a big strain on our relationship.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses a few times before he continued. “One night we got into an argument. He’d just gotten his license. He had an old beat-up car I'd bought him for his birthday,” he chuffed. “A teen’s first car is always…eccentric. Thought it was a great deal at the time.” He sighed and nodded slightly before continuing. “He left the house enraged, speeding down the road. After a few miles, he lost control, swerved off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The airbag never deployed. The car crumpled like a soda can.”
I stared at him, speechless as he concluded in a near-whisper. “He was declared dead at the scene.”
The room felt hollow for a few long seconds. I searched for a reply but couldn't fathom the right words to say. Fortunately, Rayner didn't stay silent for long. “Like you, I blamed myself for a long…long time.” He sighed. “And it nearly destroyed me.”
I stared at the floor, fidgeting with my tail. “How did you…overcome that?”
“Well it didn't happen overnight,” he replied, flashing a brief smile. “It takes time but, at some point, you have to carry on living. You have to continue loving.” His eyes creased slightly as he looked down at his own hands. “You have to keep loving,” he repeated in a low whisper.
Loud silence claimed the room again as his words sank in. He was right. It was either accept what happened or live like this forever. Looking at it that pragmatically, the choice seemed easy. Emotions are never so logical though. It wasn’t as if he relieved himself of that burden either, it was obvious he still carried it. It just…didn’t weigh as much now. Not because it got lighter, but because he got stronger. I eased into speaking again. “I…I'm sorry. About your son.”
Rayner nodded. “I'm sorry about your friend.”
We both stewed in silence for a minute before Rayner spoke up. “We’ll send you home today.”
“You…really think I’m ready?”
Rayner nodded slowly. “I think so. The medication seems to be working, you haven’t had any breakdowns since you’ve been here. You’ve gotten much better at discussing these things. I think you’re equipped to face this now.”
“...I’m afraid,” I croaked.
“Of what?” Rayner asked, leaning forward
“Of…seeing Lucky again. I'm doubting whether I even should. I was never prepared to be her master. I’m just a danger to her.”
“Vikri,” Rayner exhaled and leaned forward. “You made a mistake. We all do. But you have a responsibility to her. You should at least see her and face that mistake, or you’ll never have closure. What you decide after that is your choice, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.”
“I hope so,” I sighed.
Rayner clicked his pen and set his notepad aside. “We’ve made you some medication to take home, same stuff you've been taking. The plan is to keep lowering the dosage until you’re sleeping without it. We’ve made you some sheets with all the daily doses on them and when to take each one. It’s enough to last you two weeks, then once they’re out, you’ll come back here for another session, then if you need it, we’ll get you more and keep weaning you off them.”
He leaned forward, emphasizing his next words. “And I cannot recommend enough that you go to Jesse’s support group in between our meetings. Those will help you tremendously, I’m sure of it.”
I nodded. “I have his number. I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”
“You won't regret it,” Rayner assured me. “Jesse was in the same chair as you not too long ago for similar reasons. He has knowledge from first-hand experience. I can vouch for him, he’s a great guy.” He inhaled. “Well, is there anything else Vikri? We won’t be seeing each other again for a while, so if there’s anything else, now’s the time to talk about it.”
I thought for a second. We’d covered almost everything. I’d never discussed those days in so much detail. It felt like being submerged in icy water. It was miserable at first, but over time it became easier, even comfortable. I’d relived so much pain over the last three days, but here at the end of the whole story, It felt less like a nightmare, and more like reality. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally replied.
“Then I’ll clear you to go home. Andrea is here, she’ll give you a ride, I’m sure. Here.” He reached over and handed me a small business card. “That has all my contact information on it. I’m usually here in my office until late at night, so feel free to call if you need anything. If the sedative gives you any issues at all, any side effects, make sure to call and let me know. We followed the recipe to a tee, but it’s wise to be cautious.”
A familiar silence flooded the room as Rayner and I seemed to, for the first time, have nothing left to say. Finally, the doctor spoke. “See you in two weeks, Vikri.”
///////////////////////////////
Golden strands of light danced between the digits of my paw as I moved it in front of the brilliant summer sun. An intense beacon of warmth floating in a sky as blue as Earth’s oceans. The rumble of Andy’s car occupied the air as we cruised down the highway. Vivri was sound asleep in the backseat. The gentle white noise and vibration seemed to knock her out cold. I watched the sunrays dance as I waved my paw in front of me, before turning it around. Several spots on my paw still had obvious scars. I even still had burn scars from the electrical systems aboard the crumbling Cardinal.
I curled my paw closed into a fist and rested my head against it, watching the lush, green mountains pass by in the distance. After three days I was set loose into the world once again, hopefully better armed than I was before. Even after all the weight I doffed from my shoulders in Rayner’s office, a crushing mass still rested on my chest. Lucky.
The weight only became heavier as the car slowed, and rounded a corner into the parking lot of a large animal hospital. Andy gently brought the car to a stop in a parking space in front of the entrance. Occasionally people would walk in and out with their pets, many of which were dogs on leashes.
Vivri stirred awake after we stopped. “Oh…We’re here,” she muttered nervously. “There’s…a lot more animals here than I was expecting.”
Andy chuckled. “It’s an animal hospital girl, there’s gonna be all kinds of critters here.”
I turned around to face her. “You don’t have to go in there. You and Andy can wait here.”
Andy scoffed. “You might wanna tell Rayner they screwed up those meds, ‘cause you’re delusional if you think I’m letting you go in there by yourself.”
“Well I don’t want her to be alone out here,” I argued.
“I’ll go in, just…stay close, please?” Vivri interjected.
I looked back at her, ears tilted. She was dead serious. I sighed and shook my head. “This is gonna be a disaster,” I groaned.
Andy opened her door. “I’ll wait with her in the lobby, you go talk to the vets. It’ll be fine.”
I looked back at Vivri one last time as Andy stepped out. “Alright, just stay away from the cats.” I opened my door and began stepping out into the summer air.
“C-cats?”
“Small felines. They're demons with mind control,” I replied just before closing the door.
Vivri scrambled out of the car and followed right on my heels. “Well don’t just leave me!” she squeaked.
I laughed. “I’m kidding. Well, mostly.”
Walking into the building, I realized that Lucky had been in a very similar place as me over the past three days. The lobby felt eerily similar to the one at the medical center. Everything went silent as Vivri and I walked in. Immediately I could feel dozens of eyes on us. Vivri hid close behind me as Andy gestured for me to follow her to the desk.
I doubted any of the humans there meant any harm, but dozens of binocular eyes snapping onto her in an instant had Vivri more unsettled than she already was. It didn’t help that several dogs were either on leashes or in carriers in the lobby, which were no doubt just as curious. I grabbed Viv’s paw. “They don't see many Venlil,” I whispered. “Just ignore them.”
I approached the desk with Vivri still hiding behind me. “E-excuse me?” I stuttered. The woman at the desk looked up, clearly caught off guard by two venlil standing before her. “O-oh! Excuse me, you must be Lucky’s owner, right?”
“Yeah. Vikri.” I could feel Vivri shivering behind me.
“I’ll let Doctor Gavin know you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before turning to Vivri. “Are you sure about this?” I whispered.
“Of course! It’s just for a few minutes, right?” Her body language gave an entirely different answer. She seemed like she might faint at any moment.
I looked up at Andy. “Keep her close, would you?”
Andy wrapped her arms over Viv’s shoulders. “Of course. I’ll keep little Vivi safe from all the big, bad puppy dogs and mean kitties,” she said in baby speak, twisting her side to side. She giggled. “We’ll be fine.” Her tone suddenly shifted as she locked eyes with me. “Will you?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. This entire time my heart felt unbearably heavy. Standing there, I felt nauseous. So much so that I made it a point to know exactly where the bathroom was when I walked in. The weight on my chest made breathing a laborious task. I heaved in a deep breath. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in there but…I have to do this. For both of us.”
Andy exhaled and nodded, seemingly just as nervous for me. Right on cue, the door at the back of the room opened with a heavy click. “Vikri?” a male voice called out. An older gentleman in burgundy scrubs surveyed the room. It didn’t take long for him to find me. He nodded toward me as he adjusted his glasses. “Right this way, please.”
“We’ll be right here,” Andy whispered, her hands still resting around Viv’s shoulders, who agreed with a tail flick.
I nodded and walked toward the man, leaving the cozy waiting room behind, and entering a long, sterile hallway. The doctor’s shoes clicked against the tile as he walked just in front of me. The weight bearing down on my chest only got heavier with each step. After a few agonizing seconds, the man finally spoke up as he stopped outside a door. “I’m Doctor Gavin,” he said breathily, extending a hand. “I performed Lucky’s surgery.”
I took his hand with my paw, which he could no doubt tell was trembling by this point. “Vikri,” I choked. “S-so…How is she?”
“She’s good,” Gavin answered in a higher pitch. “She’s recovering remarkably fast. Really lived up to her name.” He opened the door and stepped through into a kennel area as he continued. “The bullet hit one of her ribs and shattered. A couple of fragments pierced her lung, one of them was just inches from her heart. There’re still a few very small ones lodged in her tissue, but we’d be doing more harm than good by trying to remove them. They shouldn’t cause any issues and come out on their own after some time, but we’ll keep track of them with x-rays.”
As he spoke we passed by kennels, some empty, some with dogs that barked or jumped up on the cage as we passed. I scoured each one for Lucky, my dread building with each one we passed. Suddenly, the doctor stopped in front of me. He inhaled deeply. “I should mention…Given the…circumstances of how she got these injuries, me and some staff will stay with you just in case she becomes aggressive. That’s not to say that I think she will,” he added hastily, “she’s been great with everyone here but…you know, just to be safe.”
“I get it,” I breathed. It made sense. If Lucky attacked me, it would be far more deadly than it would be for a human. And I was confident even a human wouldn’t last long against a half-wolf her size. Fittingly, a group of four humans were gathered at the end of the hallway, catchers in hand.
Time seemed to slow as I approached the pen. The staff members all looked over at me with the same anxious expression. I felt like a prisoner walking toward my judgment, and that perhaps it was me that belonged behind these cages. I swallowed and took a long, slow breath as Gavin opened the gate. He walked in ahead of me. “Hey there big girl,” he said in a chipper tone. I heard the familiar thumping of Lucky’s tail against the floor. Gavin chuckled to himself as the remaining four staff calmly and quietly filed into the pen. Once they were all inside, the final human leaned around the corner, looked me in the eyes for a long second, and nodded once.
A new reality awaited around that corner. My sentence was about to be read. It felt so cripplingly helpless; wanting so desperately to finally be reunited with my best friend, yet trembling at the thought of rounding a corner to run face-first into the consequences of my actions. I steeled myself one last time. I nodded back at the catcher and took slow, deliberate steps toward him. I finally rounded the corner, and for the first time since the incident, I saw Lucky.
She lay on a large, fabric bed, with food and water bowls close by. Her right front leg was bound in a cast, tied up close to her body. A large patch of fur had been shaved away around her chest and halfway up her neck. She seemed thinner than I remembered. It reminded me of the scared, hungry pup I’d met so long ago.
Her eyes tracked onto mine instantly, and I felt an ache that defied all imagination. The same gaze that would send almost any other Venlil scrambling down the hallway instead gripped some inner part of me in a cold, numb stasis. I couldn’t move. Part of me wanted to run to her and spill out how sorry I was. Another wanted to curl up on the floor right there and sob, returning to that familiar numbness that seemed akin to the ancient enemy of life itself. The cold. That bitterness that pierced through fur, through flesh, through bones, and any ideal held by the naive child that sat next to Tenga’s corpse that day. It ran through until there was nothing left.
Then, I felt a warmth as if someone had draped a blanket over me. I gripped my poncho around my shoulders, grabbing it tightly. I made a quiet promise to myself there and then. Not a promise to my sister, or my parents, or Andrea. Me. I wouldn’t lie down in the cold. Never again. One more hill.
“Hey Lucky,” I said, my voice coarse and breaking every syllable.
The silence was abruptly broken as Lucky, though seemingly frail, shot to her feet. Everyone in the room shifted, prepared for the worst. I didn’t dare move, but I could feel my heart pounding in my legs, my body preparing to bolt. The staff watched her carefully, their grip slightly tightened around their polls. Lucky made no sounds, only stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she gathered my scent. Her right front leg was useless, immobilized against her body. She shifted her footing to steady herself. Then I saw something that replaced fear with tears. She was shaking like a leaf, never taking her eyes off me. She could care less about the others. She was scared. Of me.
I felt myself fall off a ledge in a sensation I’d become all too familiar with over the last few weeks. Tears streamed down my face, my breath hitching as I brought my paws up to my face. I fell to my knees, the presence of the staff had become irrelevant. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I exhaled between gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
So there it was. My new reality. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it was what I expected. I didn’t know what I’d do then, and I didn’t know now. Could I go on without Lucky? She was the one fortress in the turbulent seas of my broken mind. She was the one I could always count on. The one that I knew would always be there, no matter what. Now I was convinced she was terrified of me.
I sat there a shattered mess for a long moment, tumbling off that cliff and reaching out for anything to catch myself, but found nothing but jagged stones. I felt a hand on my shoulder, Doctor Gavin attempting to comfort me, I assumed. Until I felt something touch my knee. I looked up, thrown out of the spiral abruptly. Lucky was now just in front of me, licking my leg. I froze, confused. She gently laid down, careful of her bandaged leg as she rested her head on my leg, looking up at me. That was the same leg she’d broken months ago. Finally, I got it. “I hurt you, and you still loved me.”
A wave of relief rushed through me and I looked down at her, eyes glossy with tears. I bent down and rested my head against hers. I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. For the first time in days, I felt whole again.
Lucky still loved me.
First Prev [Next]

This past year has been a crazy ride, and I need somewhere to let it out.
On this day last year, I(27M) received a FaceTime call from my parents. They're based in Asia while my brother (25M) and I work / go to school in the US - so we have a set time for weekly catchups over the phone. But this time it was weird that they didn't just call. It was the first time in years since they video call me.
Mom(55F) and dad(57M) showed up on my phone screen, but mom didn't have any hair. They told me that she had been diagnosed with late stage cervical cancer a few weeks back and that she had immediately started chemo. My parents got their annual checkup just a few months back, but she was unlucky. The cancer had developed quickly in an area hard to detect, so it was found at a late stage. But fortunately she was receiving the best treatment available, and her company was helping our family with medical expenses. I cried after hanging up. I never thought I'd have to think about my mom's mortality this early. It felt like I was caught in some nasty prank, and I didn't know what to do. At least on screen my mom seemed lively and optimistic with the situation at the time.
I quickly decided it was best I fly over to Asia and help out my parents. Luckily I had recently quit my full time job to start my own business, so I wasn't tied to a company or a geographic location. My brother was starting a program at his dream grad school later that summer, and I was happy to help him focus on it. Instead he would immediately head to my parent's and stay with them until I wrapped up my life in the US and moved over. I had my last hoorah with my friends, gave away my furniture, and packed up my suitcase. I had been living with my girlfriend at the time, and carving myself out of the apartment was more painful than I ever expected. Saying goodbye sucked, especially when I didn't know when I was coming back.
Fast forward a few weeks, I moved into my parent's house. The next few months would be a blur of numerous trips to the hospital, a life in a different country. We were getting into the groove of things, and chemo actually started chipping away at my mom's tumor. But spending large chunks of each week at the hospital, working on my business at night(my work requires me to match US time zones), and having no social life in the country started taking toll on me. I barely knew anyone in the city and I'd have days and weeks not physically speaking at all. My mental and physical health deteriorated, and eventually after much thought I decided to break up with my girlfriend of four years. I just didn't think I was being a good partner with all that was happening in my life, and I had no clue when all this would end - especially given the time difference and distance. It was rough ending things with the most serious girlfriend I ever had, but I had to focus on my family and she understood.
I soon realized that my mom's cancer wasn't the only thing I had to face. I had to figure out my complicated relationship with my dad. I wouldn't call him a bad guy. He has good intentions but he's a troubled man haunted by his job and childhood tragedies(death of siblings, relationship with family, his parents stopping him from pursuing his dreams, etc) Since I was young he struggled with communicating his thoughts / emotions and abusing alcohol. He was never really present in my upbringing, as he sunk away to his room after work to watch TV without helping around the house much. Yes there were moments where he drove us to school a few weeks and took us fishing a couple times, but those gestures faded away by the time my brother and I were 10. When drunk, he broke things around the house regularly, and at his worst he physically assaulted me when I was a teenager. We never really had a legitimate conversation since (he never really talked unless he was drunk), and my mom acted as a sort of a shield / translator between us throughout the years. But he did work and provide for the family for decades, and I should not forget that. Now that I'm older I do see why he was so upset and aggressive back then. I'm finding myself slowly forgiving him over the years. But it also can't be an excuse for what he did and I still find myself deeply affected by his actions.
My dad's aloofness continued into December 2023. In some ways it felt like he was denying to accept the gravity of the situation. He continued drinking heavily and depending on my ill mom for housework / meals. I was upset because it seemed like my mom was still carrying most of the burden even with cancer and he was doing the bare minimum to help our family. I was tired and depressed. I uprooted my whole life, and for months I haven't been able to make much progress in my personal, professional, and social lives. But he wasn't contributing much for our family. I guess he thought improvements in my mom's health would continue and she'd recover soon.
Around new year, chemo stopped making progress, and my mom's condition began worsening week by week. Some of her organs started having issues, bringing debilitating pain. The doctors tried different treatments, radiotherapy, etc, but the situation kept on heading south. Her stays at the hospital grew longer, and she started cry more often. At times her pain would be so terrible that she'd scream into my arms saying that she doesn't want to continue living anymore. Every day I can still hear her cries and it's messing with me. I hate losing someone strong / kind like her inch by inch. After seeing my mom's state worsen, my dad started turning around and investing more time / attention to our family. He cut down most of his drinking and began spending most of his free time with her. I think he finally started realizing that he could actually lose his wife. I do appreciate him stepping up, and he and I started cooperating on nursing mom and getting through house chores. Sometimes I feel guilty for this, but I'm still having difficulty trusting him 100% given all we've been through. It's still tough to spend 1:1 time with him.
Fast forward to now, the situation hasn't improved much and my mom hasn't been home in months. Even phone calls and texts are difficult for her now. The doctors are planning on trying one more treatment, but if it doesn't work we'll likely have to begin preparing for the worst. I saw on reddit that old photos help cancer patients a lot, so I went through our family album to show digital copies to my mom. I can't remember the last time I cried that much. Thankfully, my brother is now in town on vacation for the next few weeks, and he's been very helpful. We're grateful that he had a successful first year at grad school, and him returning has been a breath of fresh air for our family. Seeing my brother has been helping my mom a lot as well. I'm sure my brother is feeling his own shock and guilt with all that's happening to our family. I hope he's able to find strength within himself.
But I need to face the fact that my mom started taking morphine and that the doctors began discussing hospice. My parents and I took the past few weeks to organize my mom's finances, taxes, and legal work. It's still surreal that I had to go through my mom's stuff. She has been strong / stoic throughout this whole process, but I can't imagine what pain / thoughts she's dealing with when my dad or I'm not around. I can't imagine what it's like to even begin thinking about the end. A miracle could happen, but nothing is guaranteed. All I can do is just take each day as it is and keep moving forward.
I took a pause on work in the last few months to focus on helping my family and recovering my health. I'm slowly but surely spending up my savings though, and I feel like I'm being left behind professionally and socially. I'm finding myself depressed not being able to make progress with my life and career. I have no friends and I can't remember the last time I took a legitimate break. I can't help but wonder how my business will work out, whether I can become social again, and what my future will look like. But it's been so difficult to plan anything because any day / week my mom's situation can shift drastically. And at times I feel guilty thinking about myself when my mom is suffering this much. I'm trying really hard to keep a routine with exercise and work so I can keep myself healthy to continue helping my parents. It's been a challenging fight to keep all these things balanced.
But I also can't deny that I've seen a lot of beauty in life as well in the past year. So many friends and family helped us out, and I sat down with my mom with deep conversations on life. I've also changed / grew tremendously, and my perspective on life / death matured a lot. I learned the importance of mental / physical health. This dark period in my life also could be the beginning of a relationship with my dad. I don't do social media but so many friends remembered our family and reached out proactively. Thank you everyone. All of the other problems I had in life seem so small / solvable now, after all I've gone through. Imagine how easy those obstacles will feel once all this is over!
I have no idea how all of this will resolve, but I just hope my mom doesn't go through much pain. Sometimes I just want to drop everything and give up but I want to help my mom as much as I can until the end. She always tried her best to give my brother and me the best possible life. A few weeks ago, she told me that she has no regrets because she gave us all her love over the past 20 to 30 years, a feat that other moms might take 50 to 60 years to accomplish. She really did her best and she was the greatest mom I could ever have.
I'm curious what kind of person I'll become after the dust settles. Daydreaming about what's to come after these tough times keep me going. The rest of the year probably won't be pretty though, especially if my mom's health worsens. In whatever way this situation resolves towards, I won't disappoint her. I hope I can stay strong throughout and I'll keep giving life my best.
And I hope this past year does stay the toughest year of my life lol

Hey,
We have an 11yo daughter, who originally I co-parented with her birth mother 50/50, my girlfriend at the time then moved in with us and shortly after that the co-parenting changed to more like 80/20 that we had her as her birth mother is a trainee nurse and had to do we placements, meaning she wasn't around much. OK, we still would get a few days for us when her birth mother was at home to have her.
To note, my Fiancée and daughter get on really well.
The background:
In February 2023, our daughter poured her heart out to me on the drive home from school one afternoon and then to me and my Fiancée that evening, about how she didn't want to live with, see or have any contact with her birth mother any more and she gave a lot of reasoning and had clearly thought about this a lot.
I made notes, we recorded what was said and we were on a very thin line between her birth mother needing to be reported for child neglect & endangerment. I called her school the next day and told them what had happened the night before and I kept her off for a couple of days so that she could collect her thoughts, chill out and recoup from what she told as she was in pieces.
We told her that OK, we'll keep her here a bit longer than she would have and tell her birth mother that she'd asked to stay longer and we need to sit, think, talk and go through everything that she told as there was a lot for us to unpack.
My Fiancée and I thought, we talked and we agreed that with the information she's given us, if it's true (not doubting her, but we all embellish things at times), the only option is to honour her wishes, BUT she had to tell her birth mother, either on a video chat, a letter or somehow.
It ended up that the initial conversation was a video chat, where our daughter was beyond upset trying to say what she needed to, so I had to say the words and she nodded and agreed while crying her eyes out. This followed a letter that she wrote, hand written, where she wrote down why she made this decision. I met her birth mother and we sat and had coffee while we went through and she admitted to what our daughter was claiming, no embellishment, no lying, it was all true.
So our daughter now lives with us full time and has no contact with her birth mother. We have tried to encourage that maybe they just meet for a hot chocolate, in public with us sat either there with them, the other side of the room, whatever small morsel of contact, but our daughter is not interested at all.
Now:
Its hard, its so hard going from co-parenting to full time parenting, especially with no time to prepare or even really process what's happened. I had been expecting this to come, but not for another few years as I had no idea things were so bad, so its been easier for me than my Fiancée as this all happened in such a short space of time after she moved in.
She's still struggling with all the added things being a full time parent brings with it, the lack of time for us, the teenage hormones & changes (like her being too lazy to brush her teeth), no break from being a parent as this isn't what the plan was, even the silly things like being able to run to the bathroom nekkid. Our sex life has been heavily impacted as we live in a small 2 bedroom flat and my Fiancée hates that our daughter can probably hear what's going on and she old enough to understand what she's hearing.
There's also the back and forthing of what our daughter calls her, sometimes she refers to her as mum, other times she will introduce her as her step-mum & other times as her dad's girlfriend, but at home she's called by her name (which my Fiancée is fine with). I've talked to our daughter about this and it's getting better slowly.
Family wise, I have 2 brothers, but 1 works shift patterns so isn't available to have our daughter much at all, my other brother has 2 kids of his own and doesn't really have the room to have her but he does every couple of months and my parents have passed away. My Fiancée's parents live 4 hours away from us, so its not so easy for them to have her, although they sometimes have her in the school holidays for a few days for us.
We're having date nights again more now as we are able to leave our daughter at home for a little bit on her own, as she has her phone (and everyone's phone numbers), we have security in the home and she is very mature for her age, but we still don't have a healthy balance and I'm not sure what else to do.
Does anyone have any idea's what we could do to help bring in a healthier balance for everyone? Any suggestions, or anything will be greatly appreciated.
TIA! C

Or really any country whose health system has been nationalised.
So South Africa is passing the NHI Bill and officially nationalising our health system. That means public and private hospitals will cater to the entire population of almost 60 million people, medical aids will be scrapped, and about R200 billion will be found somewhere to fund this endeavour.
This has been discusssed, debated and fought over for years - doctors and nurses on the ground have been especially vocal about how terrible of an idea it is. Honestly? The timing of it is especially heinous - the president is signing it into law TWO WEEKS before elections.
Anyway!
How is the NHI / NHI equivalent working out in your own home countries? Are doctors and nurses guaranteed jobs? Are patients all well taken care of? Is everything working well? Or... well enough?

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The best medical universities in Russia for Indian Students are highly reputed for their high-quality education and affordable tuition fees. The medical schools in Russia offer a variety of courses in medicine, dentistry, nursing, and pharmacy. The duration of the MBBS course in Russia is six years, which includes one year of internship. The course is taught in English, so students from all over the world can easily understand and follow the lectures.

Reasons to study MBBS in Russia

The average MBBS costs in Russia range from 2.5 to 5 lakhs per year. Russian government provides subsidies of 70% to students enrolled in MBBS in Russian Colleges. Russian Fees are Affordable and Feasible.
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Technology-enabled education and technologically equipped education MBBS is supported by the latest equipment and cutting-edge teaching techniques widely used in medical institutions around the world.
Many specialization courses The reality is that Russian medical schools offer students many options and specializations. Students can choose a specialization in more than 100 areas.

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Russia is situated within Asia as well as Eastern Europe. Moscow is the biggest global city and the capital city of Russia. It is home to the Russian currency is called the ruble. The official and local Russian language used is Russian. Russia has a land frontier with Finland, Belarus, Latvia, Ukraine, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, China, Norway, Estonia, Lithuania as well as Poland, Mongolia, and North Korea. The Russian government is based on a democratic system of government.
The world's most renowned medical schools are accredited through the WHO as well as the NMC. 20,000 Indian students are studying at the university! The ranking of Russian medical schools 30th position among the top 100 medical schools, according to the "Directory of World Medical Schools" of the World Health Organization (WHO).
Studying MBBS in Russia is an excellent option for students who want to pursue their medical education abroad. The universities in Russia offer quality education, world-class infrastructure, and internationally recognized degrees. The low tuition fees make it an affordable option for students who cannot afford to study in other countries. If you are planning to study MBBS abroad, then Russia is worth considering.

For context:

• I am an international student, and do not have a SSN.
• At the time, I was under a student insurance plan (provided by my university)
• I had a checking account, which is now closed.
• My old phone number has been passed to another person
• My school email is closed
• This occurred in Pennsylvania
• My F-1 visa is expired, my passport number has changed, I no longer hold insurance

In fall of 2021, I was admitted to a mental health facility. I stayed for a week, and had a pending charge of around $1000. I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time, and was majoring in architecture, so I never got around to paying. In spring 2022, I tried paying my bills online, but was unable to pay because the website didn't have a record of my stay. Pushing it off again, I never called my insurance provider or the hospital regarding this.
Currently, I'm staying in my home country until around 2027, where I will study in the U.S. for a year. Towards 2029, I plan on either starting a masters program, or applying for an internship/entry level position (likely with a J-1 visa).
My questions:

1. Will the unpaid medical fees pose issues when applying for my J-1 visa?
2. Will my future credit score be affected, even after the 7 years?
3. Could I face legal action? Both before and after the 4 year stature of limitations in PA
4. How do I know if my debt has been sent to collections?
5. Will this affect my insurance rates and eligibility in the future?

I'm young, and still figuring out how debt and finances work. Also, I want to know if I should pay this or sweep it under the rug. Let me know if there's anything else I will need to know. Thank you.

Before I moved in to that house, my roommate was a fairly good friend because she was close to my ex who had recently passed from a heart condition. We got close while grieving his passing and felt a responsibility to help when we could. I had blessings coming in by the multitude and asa Buddhist I must give to receive or lose even more than having. She fell back into active addiction and since she put her home in her mom's name during her divorce 3-4 years prior, her mom was threatening to kick her out if changes weren't made because she has been covering all the taxes and living expenses of her and her then boyfriend, who lived with her at that time. I offered her a job working for me and offered to help with bus fare and provide lunch on days she worked. Her relationship was getting pretty toxic and she worked 2 days, asked to be advanced for 4 more days she never worked, and stopped answering my messages entirely. It out the blue 2 months later she reached out and I told her I was moving out because my lease wasn't getting renewed and had to pick where I wanted to move to and fast. She told me she wanted him out and was going to get a TPO so he couldn't fight her on leaving and wanted to be able to sell his tools and things as"revenge for the abuse she suffered". I didn't agree with that but agreed to support her and her keep her safe. She begged me to move in to help reinforce him needing to stay away. I ignorantly accepted and moved in to her 2nd bedroom. The 2nd day there we sat down and hashed out the details with her mom who at the time said "sounds like you ladies know what you're doing so I'll leave you to it." She let her mom come by every day it seemed like but the home was "good thing she's not your landlord or we'd be screwed!" After her ex stayed away a while she got bored or lonely, not quite sure which. She tracked him down and has him over while I was working one night. I was furious as he JUST burned his friends house down to the ground and caught him trying to pour my diffuser oils on paper and they had burn marks on them like he wanted to set my room in fire. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her being around him and want happy that he was there. So he stole my house key while sleeping. No matter how many times I asked, I couldn't get them to give me another one after that. That led to me having to stay at hotels I would walk to when I couldn't get inside and had only 5 or 6 hours before my next double shift. One day coming home she stopped him walking away from the house as we were pulling up so she pulled up next to him and invited him over. I got mad and went inside after pulling up to the house and packed a bag to go stay with my boyfriend who I had to make leave after she asked him to move in too but we went with it and wasn't one of the big problems. I feel asleep early and woke up to ask kinda of messages about her not narcaning him but thinks she should. She thought he might not be breathing but then sent memes and made some jokes. This man couldn't stand opiates, he hated her doing them and was the heart of what they broke up over. He despised them and wouldn't have willing done fentanyl when you couldn't get him to take a Vicodin after pulling his wisdom teeth. He was on life support for 4 days and his family took him off when time he was brain dead from losing oxygen for so many hours. She was a licensed nurse. She knew what to do and how to help him. She said so many times. She's proud she did it and that terrified me. Not enough to destroy my spiritual livelihood and lie and cover up such serious violations. Her mom called me twice during the week he was on life support and once after. 2 days after I refused the last time to give the story of him being on drugs already, her Mom busted into my room and screamed at me demanding for me wake up and come to the living room immediately. She told me I was to get out immediately because I broke in when I was locked out and used my bedroom window to get in and left the house unsecured 2 times that she found when she came by to "check on things". I knew that's not how things in the real world go so I just avoided her and paid my rent as usual. Turns out earlier that day she went and filled for an eviction and had worked out with her daughter how to hide it. She was to remove all notifications and not mention anything so I would keep paying and wouldn't take my belongings and she could make money or keep them if she wanted like she got to do with her ex's things. She has most everything he owned on marketplace 24 hours after he passed. Online the court even notes that "service made to: adult female roommate" and labeled it "successful service" even though she was operating with a huge conflict of interest and nobody questioned it. I lost my job as she was hired by me to transport me back and forth. I couldn't afford hotels very long. I lived in abandoned houses. I'm back in hotels on vouchers now. I'm working and saving for a car to get a better job and get around. I got my cats back from her 6 months after but with wings and scabs on the one she didn't like. Obviously she abused her and I had to pay her to give them back in that condition. My other cat is pregnant but an indoor cat so I guess she let her out anyways. I was sent a message that my things that were left would be placed at the road at a specific time and told to come get what I wanted it it was going to the trash. When I showed up I was meet with police and her video recording me and my helpers in our faces taunting me about being on welfare and wanted to know where my free lawyer was because I would need one when she sues me for storage fees when I was refused the ability to retrieve my belongings 4 times prior. I set up mediation and she started and then ended it 10 minutes in. Nothing has been done about the murder. I still have all the proof and evidence. As well as witnesses. I feel like they are getting away with murder AND so much more. I was left without so much as a cell phone or transportation. I slept in streets. I have trauma from this crap and I'm overwhelmed with what to even to after her for. There's nothing legal about any of this whole situation. At one point when I was allowed to get a few things but not much, her mother drive right beside me while I carried my things tormenting me and laughing at me for being homeless and poor because "i was learning who I was f*ing with and getting the consequences for it". She literally said "bet you wish you would change your story now, didn't Cha?" NOBODY HAS EVEN TAKEN A STATEMENT FROM ME!! there's no story told as of now. Am off this was done preemptively. And no lawyers claim to take care like mine. Where the heck do I turn then? Am I just left to accept this because they have money and were able to take all mine? I'm in Ohio btw. This was September of 23

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

Las Vegas, known for its vibrant nightlife and bustling casinos, is also home to a less glamorous but equally persistent pest: fleas. These tiny, wingless insects are not only a nuisance but also a potential health hazard, capable of infesting homes and causing discomfort to both humans and pets. In this comprehensive guide, we'll delve into the world of fleas pest control in Las Vegas, exploring effective strategies to combat these troublesome critters and reclaim your home.
Understanding Fleas
Fleas are ectoparasites that feed on the blood of mammals and birds. In Las Vegas, they are commonly found infesting homes, particularly those with pets. These pests are known for their remarkable jumping ability, allowing them to easily hitch a ride on unsuspecting hosts and spread throughout the household.
Signs of Infestation
Identifying a flea infestation early is crucial for effective pest control. Common signs include:
Itchy red bites on humans and pets.
Visible fleas or their feces in pet bedding or carpets.
Excessive scratching or grooming behavior in pets.
The Importance of Professional Pest Control in Las Vegas
While DIY methods may provide temporary relief, professional Fleas Pest Control In Las Vegas offers a more comprehensive and long-lasting solution. Trained technicians have the expertise and tools to accurately assess the extent of the infestation and implement targeted treatment strategies.
Integrated Pest Management (IPM)
Integrated Pest Management (IPM) is a holistic approach to pest control that emphasizes prevention, monitoring, and targeted interventions. In the case of fleas, IPM may involve:
Inspecting the property for flea hotspots.
Treating affected areas with insecticides.
Implementing preventive measures to deter future infestations.
Effective Fleas Pest Control Strategies
In Las Vegas, where flea infestations can be particularly stubborn, it's essential to employ a combination of preventive and treatment measures to eradicate these pests effectively.
Vacuuming and Cleaning
Regular vacuuming and thorough cleaning of carpets, upholstery, and pet bedding can help remove flea eggs, larvae, and adults from your home. Be sure to dispose of the vacuum bag or empty the canister promptly to prevent fleas from re-infesting the area.
Pet Treatments
Pets are often the primary carriers of fleas, so it's essential to implement preventive measures to protect them from infestations. Consult with your veterinarian about flea control products such as spot-on treatments, oral medications, or flea collars that are safe and effective for your pets.
Environmental Treatments
Treating the environment is crucial for long-term fleas pest control in Las Vegas. Insecticides specifically formulated for flea control can be applied to indoor and outdoor areas where fleas are likely to breed, such as carpets, pet bedding, and outdoor resting areas.
Choosing a Pest Control Provider in Las Vegas
When selecting a pest control provider in Las Vegas, it's essential to choose a reputable company with experience in flea eradication. Consider the following factors:
Licensing and certification: Ensure that the company is licensed and certified to perform pest control services in Nevada.
Experience: Look for a company with a proven track record of successfully treating flea infestations in residential properties.
Treatment methods: Inquire about the pest control methods and products used, ensuring they are safe and effective for your family and pets.
Preventing Future Infestations
Once fleas have been eradicated from your home, it's crucial to implement preventive measures to avoid future infestations. Here are some tips:
Regularly groom and bathe your pets to remove fleas and prevent re-infestation.
Wash pet bedding and blankets in hot water regularly to kill fleas and their eggs.
Maintain a clean and clutter-free environment to minimize hiding spots for fleas.
By following these proactive steps and partnering with a reputable pest control provider, you can effectively manage flea infestations and enjoy a pest-free home in Las Vegas.

Im just going to preface this and say that this is not towards all NP’s or PA’s, and I’m just sharing my experiences. I’m not trying to discredit them, but once again this is my experience. I’m not a Karen, I swear. I’m a young adult who has a handful of health issues that I just want help with.
I am someone who has a bit of health issues, and I have for mostly my whole life, yet these past few years it has only gotten worse. And because of this, I frequently have to go to the doctors or get referrals. This being said I swear that whenever I go to an office for the doctors all I can get is a nurse practitioner or a PA. So, typically I give them the benefit of the doubt and just see how it goes. So far 7 times out of 10 they genuinely have no clue what I am talking about or have no explanation, or just a general lack of training.
I had this really good dermatologist who was very very intrigued with how my body works. My body is very sensitive to the environment, and frequently break out into hives over things I can control, I can even trigger it if I wanted to. He attentively listened to everything I said, look at the proof I have on my phone, would perform tests in office and educate me thoroughly on my conditions. I have cold urticaria, pressure urticaria, cholingeric urticaria, as well as dermatographism. So sadly my doctor had to move to a different state, and I had to get a new dermatologist. So, I walk into the new place and she introduces herself, and she is a PA, okay great. However, upon explaining to her what I had been diagnosed with and need help with, when asking questions, she could not help me. She couldn’t help me with educating because she had no clue what they were herself. The only thing she knew was the cold urticaria which she solely focused on and performed another test on me so she could see it herself. I had to inform and educate her on my conditions.
Okay, another example is I had to go to a psychiatrist, and the office referred me to a NP. Once again, okay great. I went in there explaining my issues and I would tell her basic things and I don’t know what she couldn’t comprehend. She couldn’t explain things, wouldn’t even explain my supposed diagnosis. Id ask her questions and she would beat around the bush. What really made me mad about this NP is how she acted with me when I tried to get her to give me a doctors note for accommodations for schooling. For one, she made me wait four months for it even though once a month I had to see her. I had to beg her up and down for it, and I gave her the requirements and everything. She gives me a paper finally, and it looks like I drafted it up myself so the school wouldn’t accept it. I told her that they wanted her license number at least because she wouldn’t even put it on a header. She flipped out on me, she refused to give me her license number and told me she wasn’t giving it, and if they wanted it that bad they can look it up themselves.
I go to a new gynecologist the other day, and what do they put me with, a NP. Well, I was going in there for valid concerns, and plus I needed a new once since my other one became a professor. However, I explained to her my past with medical stuff. TMI it was irregular periods. And I swear to god this woman, who should know all about this could not give me an explanation by saying that I’m just young, that’s all it is. Girl, it’s been about decade with a period, it should be regulated now when it was fine for years. Then when we were talking about me and autoimmune disorders (which is a whole other story), she once again had no clue. I ask her a couple more questions so I could educate myself, and her response is “yeah that is weird. I don’t know.”- girl, come on now.
Then, I was at the ED because I was having heart issues. My heart rate would go into the 170-180s and plummet, and they assigned me a NP who looked at me for one second, said I was fine, sent me home. My ekg results came out as abnormal, and on top of that I had to go to a cardiologist where I was diagnosed with a heart condition. On top of this, I was irritated at her because they had be in the waiting room for about 6 hours, brought me to a flex room that didn’t even have a bed, it was a chair, and I was sent out immediately. I had to wait a few more hours and eventually I said to my mother, I don’t feel good, I want to go home. So we go to the desk to discharge, and they are like “are you sure you want to leave, your doctor was just about to discharge you?” First of all no doctor came over to us, second of all the woman I seen for 1 second had come into the waiting room FULL of people announcing my test results and blood work.
All I’m asking is for someone who can explain things and know what they are doing. But once again, they don’t have the same training as doctors. Doctors had pre med, medical school, residency, attending, etc. and only a couple for the others.
This is my experience.
Also, I can also admit I’ve had some good NP that I’ve seen in urgent cares and such.

For the record I do not have any trauma related disorders, personality disorders, or mental disorders other than MDD and severe anxiety. That being said I truly share symptoms across a lot of different disorders which confuses the hell out of me.
I had a normal childhood until about middle school. There I experienced a moderate amount of social isolations but still managed to make friends. A few of these friends tended to mess with me and try to make me feel as if I was lesser. I know I am not overreacting because other people have told me this and they act differently toward others. I think this was due to my appearance at a younger age and my anxiety. I cut them off because I realized they didn’t keep me around for other then making themselves feel good. I kept a few friends that I never Really considered close but largely I feel didn’t want to hangout with me lying about reasons not being able to hangout. I caught them in lies multiple times posting stories being somewhere when they said they were too tired to do anything or had a family event. I wantd to do something maybe once every two weeks and when they were busy maybe once a month but they managed to hangout with other people every weekend. High school I isolated myself and experimented with different personalities to try to make friends but nothing really worked that well. In my Highschool friend group I eventually had enough and argued with them over something relatively unimportant and they stopped associating with me after that with no more than a text asking if I was ok after being hospitalized a few days after. I had a bad reaction to prescribed medication that wasn't my fault. Never talked to a few of them after that in person and till this day and they think I am crazy. One said I don’t have it that bad when I tried explaining why I was so upset and how I struggled with a lot of things because a family member had an autistic son and I could never have it that bad. I was forced to go into group therapy in h s as well because of a screw up with the school and long story short my parents agreed it would be best to pull me out for a bit. I was by far the most emotionally stable person in each group I was put in no matter which person it was. I was also the only male except for a couple younger guys that were there for ASPD or OCD. I hate that I actually enjoyed being around all of the people in there. I still hate how I wish I never met any of these people because I think about them way to often and it hurts me. I felt too much in common with girls that had PTSD, BPD, and severe childhood trauma. I know that sounds awful but I truly wish I could switch lives with them because of the true horrors many of these kids experienced. the main reason I am even religious is because I do not know how a human being could torture another human soul so badly without remorse or reason without being influenced by true evil/demon/possession. I will not go into any detail because I do not feel it is my story to tell. All I will say is the light seemed dull in many children's eyes in that place. The only reason I have cried in the past like 8 months is because I remember the stories these people have told me. I hate how the closest I have every felt to a human being was with a girl that had BPD who I barely know and I felt was kind to me with no reason. I hate how I see these people around my city without it actually being them. I hate how I stay up at night thinking about our conversations. I hate how I feel they did not like me because I was even in there. I felt annoying and disrespectful without trying and I felt everything I said was stupid and came off weird or wrong. I hate how no one understands me as well as some of these girls did. Like why am I actively having good conversations with someone who seems to feel the same emotions I am feeling do not wish to have children because of the way I feel and the risk associated with them experiencing something horrible. I have also never seen myself living super long due to me being high stress and the fact I just have too much weird situations happen to me. I feel every major goal of mine has been ruined by things outside of my control I only have happiness in fleeting moments but I have experienced pure joy in a handful of moments in my life. My baseline is depressed and anxious but manageable. I feel I am lucky enough to not experience true trauma but unlucky enough to keep having bullshit mess with my life plans and happiness. There is more stuff I intentional left out because its too specific and I don't like talking bout them.
Symptoms list:
Mind racing, hypervigilance, feeling everyone is against me without proof, paranoid or more so anxious bad things will happen to me, always on guard in public; feels like people are making fun of me, intense anger toward others the world and myself, sensitive to specific words and topics, intense sensation of hollowness, backseat driveidentity issues [really only preset during extreme bouts of physical and mental stress such as not sleeping, eating or illness], I don't ever get headaches unless I am insanely stressed or depressed, sharp disconnect between myself and my feelings or feeling is should feel, I imagine crazy unrealistic but statistically probable dangerous situations happening to me when I am in public, have an intense almost idiotic need to prove my toughness and would rather die than back down to someone
My doctors have never thought I have autism and the only reason I have ever looked into that is social difficulties and when I am sleep deprived or under extreme stress/ anxiety I am not good in social situations. This has gotten better as I have gotten older though.
I do not have OCD even though I have a borderline extreme obsession with my chosen sport to the point I have to stop myself from talking about it all the time.
I don't hallucinate or have overly grandiose ideas/delusions
Don't fit criteria for PTSD as my symptoms are manageable enough to function at a high level and I have not really hit any of the trauma criteria under the DSM-5
Bipolar out of the question as I only ever experience manic symptoms when I am sick and cant get enough sleep and my mood is relatively stable. My psych told me to stop telling my therapist I have experienced mania because he believes its only due to sleep related insomnia. Even though they did say it is possible its not likely.
bipolar same with schizophrenia don't even come close to this one
Personality disorder I have no immediate family that has any of these and I did not have an exceptionally hard childhood. No severe trauma to cause this plus my mood is to stable and antidepressants help me regulate for the most part also antipsychotic actually make me worse even atypical ones suck.
My docs and therapist just say I am really unlucky and have MDD severe anxiety and to get over my past but I feel as if it is apart of me and if I let go of it that all my pain was meant for nothing. I don't know why but I would rather go a lifetime of suffering because I feel that is a better alternative for me personally and is more honorable to society than the alternative. I Truly for some reason don't have a quitting bone in my body and sometimes wish this wasn't the case. I think this is party due to spite and hate and the fact I cant believe all this was meant for nothing.

Hi folks. I (M 40+) have suffered from chronic low back pain on and off since my teen years, but really got worse in the last 10 years.
Have done tons of physical therapy which helps for the most part. I maintain exercises and stretches at home as well.
I go snowboarding hard, and have no issues. I recently started a new circuit based strength training class (only free weights and body weight), and no issues (at least nothing that I felt in class or right after).
I am making sandwich for the kids and suddenly I feel the back. Gets inflamed and I know it will be bad. A couple of days with a lot of pain, starts improving, and a week or 2 to feel better. This is just the most recent case. Usually happens with the most mundane activities. I get acute pain a few times a year and have to nurse it (OTC pain medication, stretches, heat) back over the course of a few weeks.
From an MRI a few years ago: L4-L5: Mild disc bulge, facet arthropathy. Mild bilateral neuroforaminal stenosis. No central canal stenosis. L5-S1: Facet arthropathy. No neuroforaminal or central canal stenosis.
There is gotta be something else I can try. I am desperate. Not only hurts a lot each time, but I can't help much around the house, be productive at work, it's depressing.
Has anyone seen success with cortisone shots or stem cell treatment?
I used to have chronic knee problems, tons of PT over several years and it would always come back. One day, one cortisone shot, some more PT, and never had the problem again.
Any advice?
Thank you very much

I was diagnosed stage 3 NSC Lung cancer almost four years ago (36 yo male). Family situation was/is My dad lives here in Ohio and so does my brother (34) . My sister (38) lives in Chicago. My mom lives in Florida it comes up here for the summers. I was always close with my family and coworkers before I was diagnosed. I had that overwhelming wave of support you get when everyone you know finds out your cancer. It was all phone calls, texts, and emails for the most part. My diagnosis wasn’t the best as the cancer had spread to my adrenal gland and lymph nodes. My dad really stepped up and he was my rock. I’m lucky I had him during that time. He drove me to chemo the first couple of treatments and sat in on the dr appointments as a second ear. I was going to be doing 5 rounds of chemo every three weeks and immunotherapy for 12. The chemo killed the tumor so they cut out the upper lobe of my right lung. Immunotherapy wasn’t great but I got through it.
I was incredibly happy that I survived it all and got back to work. However some things really bothered me such as my mom never came back home during my chemo. She came home for my lobectomy in November 2020 and visited me in the hospital and held my hand like I was her baby boy again when they removed all the breathing , catheters, and drainage tubes. When I got home I noticed phone calls and texts weren’t coming in. It also bothered me that my sister never came to see me and she’s about four hours away but not four days. My brother was in town and only came once during the year of treatment.
Another thing that bothered me is none of my coworkers would call or text during my time off. I really worried when I got a letter from my employer of ten years that I was terminated. It was a really tough time and I was on so much medication and my whole routine was sitting on the couch and watching YouTube. I slowly descended into a very dark place and became scared of going in public places because I thought people were staring at me because I looked so sickly and dying. My bank account was getting down to nothing and I asked for my old position back and luckily they hired me again. It was excruciatingly difficult physically and emotionally to sell cars that hot summer of 2021. I had heat stroke three months of being back and thought I was done. I was really sick and weak. I was miserable with so many things. When I did see my family I’m sure that attitude wore off and I soon was getting comments that I was too negative.
My kids mom hates me and was in cancer research and sent me this factoid sheet from the American Cancer Association that said my five year survival odds were 3%. She said I was wasting my time I had left. She fueled my fire to live just to prove her wrong but at this point my kid wanted me to die because he thought he’d get lots of life insurance money. Then I had to take custody unexpectedly of that same kid who wanted nothing to do with me. I was barely selling enough cars to keep my job and now had to take care of and raise a 13 year old with angst. That’s when my family truly disappeared and I think it’s because they’re worried my cancer would cone back then they’d have to care for my kid.
Fast forward to now and my son is reunited with his mom. His and my relationship has never been better after getting to spend 16 months living together. My health is I’m still alive obviously but my lungs are getting much weaker and my volume is shrinking and i also originally diagnosed late stage copd and have to take steroids to help me breathe. So my health is back on the downslope and my family is completely gone. My dad never calls or talks to me, and neither do my brother or sister. I see my mom once every couple of months when she’s home from Florida . We’ll go to Cracker Barrel and she’ll give me this half disgusted look and I get about 45 minutes of her time
I’m just sad that they’re gone but realized they’re kind of not the best family so I might be better. I truly believe they were looking at my custody and health situation as a hot potato so they all ran for the hills. Now with my breathing is getting more and more along with seizures it’s difficult and it’s real I’m going to die young and possibly soon. it’s really effecting my memory and stamina. I get confused and need naps. Its sometimes an insurmountable task for me to go greet a customer on the lot and begin the five hour process of selling a car and getting dirty looks from customers because I look like shit because well Ive been through some stuff. My sales are failing and they want me gone. I need health insurance and what little money I do make to support my son. Im worried all this financial, parental, and physical stress is going to bring back my cancer just because im stressed and just feel hopeless. I think of how I’ll die from COPD and how horrifying it seems to die that way. With my family gone and my coworkers wanting me gone I know it will be alone or at a state hospital with some hospice nurse I have no clue is. I don’t look for your pity but I’d like any advice you might have to how I can find solace in this lonely isolated place I’m trapped in. I’m angry at my family but I love them.I feel like I was supposed to die and even though I didn’t die then physically I died to them mentally. Maybe it’s too tough to watch someone you love struggle and know you’ll have to do it again
The only thing besides spending time with my son that really makes me happy is painting. During all of this I somehow found out I love to paint and since a June 2022 I’ve painted a couple of hundred paintings. Painting gives me hope.

Idk if anyone is even gonna see this but I have hit the biggest wall in my entire life and I'm actually so annoyed rn. I'm 17, 18 soon and I'm currently sitting my A-level/CAPE for sciences and communication studies (unit 1). I was fixated on going to medical school because I was thinking "Damn, sciences are so hard and I struggle with them especially cause I have such horrible memory, but I love learning all 3 of them and I like the challenge plus I'm passing" you get me? So I was saying I wouldn't wanna do all this, put in all this hard work (to me, its probably light work to someone else but idc bout them) to just stop at being a nurse, cause everyone is in my damn ears about being a nurse nurse nurse NO!!! I wanna go down a career path that'll be worth this hard work and I think that's fair. So I did some research and saw if there were any type of doctor that I was interested in and anesthesiology caught my attention and I was interested in It, so you know I continue to do deep research surrounding anesthesiology and those stuff to just know more about what's going on and I decide aight, imma do this!!!
So now I'm looking for schools cause I plan ahead, FAR ahead. And I see my 3 options....well 2, cause 1 of them is like half way across the country. So I check out my other two options right??? So option one is UWI faculty of medicine and I'm gonna admit that schools reputation is looking mad good which is good but it's so EXPENSIVE !!!! And i know medical school won't be cheap but oh my lord, so yeah I looked into school 2 and it's CSMSJ but they're weird, I tried calling and got nothing, emailing and got nothing and the aren't frequent with their posting on social media (to give options) so I was skeptical and my mom was too so I was telling my bf about how the school is weird and he looked into and said it seems they aren't so authentic cause their reviews are AI generated so I was REALLY bummed out.
So my home country is kinda wack with how the do things, so I'd have to go overseas to further my education anyway. So I was thinking...again, why not find a school in Canada that has a M.D program, offers residency in anesthesia and so on so forth. And I was then again researching, but schools this time with a distance limit. My boyfriend lives in Winniepeg so I'd have to stay close to there cause I'd be staying with him and his family if this was gonna work right??? But oh my goodness the amount of heartbreak I went through during this process is actually unfathomable. So there's 17 and 7 don't accept international students for medicine SPECIFICALLY and ig I can understand why-ish (btw one of these schools was University of Manitoba), and the others like University of Toronto and that one in Quebec is too far but they do accept international students, and today I found out about another one; University of Calgary and I thought they accepted international studies for medicine but then I'm seeing that they don't and now I'm a bit confused about that so I just set it aside for now.
Mhm...so going back to my home country, I'd probably have to go to UWI cause its literally the only option now, idc if its expensive but ik who will. My parents, they had not a single penny of college funds saved up for this moment, they make very poor financial situations and now the bank accounts are running dry, so I have to think about that too. I really do not know what to do cause sure I could go there but how wouldi complete my residency? Maybe they'd (a canadian med school) accept me then cause I'd actually have some qualifications [UWI offers a Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery program (M.B.B.S) and its 5 years full time and I think they have a pre med too that's Bachelor of Basic Medical Sciences (BBMedSci) and its for 3 years full time]. I would look into other schools in other regions but idk anyone from the US (family member I mean probably would have to ask mom or smtg) and I have my grandma in the UK so ig I could think of there too.
I just want someone, anyone, whether with experience or not I just wanna know what to do because all I do and know is sciences, I did some business and Information Technology too but those aren't at A-level, so I would prefer to do a occupation which requires sciences. My bf was telling me maybe I just have to switch career paths bc this is a veeerryy long process that will require money that I don't even have, I'll admit I got a bit upset with him because he's basically telling me to give up now, I mean whatever I haven't actually started but I was prepared and I was ready and now it's all these different problems popping one after the other and maybe I should listen to him and just do something else apart from obtaining generational debt. Idk and I just wanna get this figured out before it eats me alive !!! Please help, what should I do???

i just came accross a Snapchat story, don't know the person personally, jus an acquaintance thru few of my friends, and she posted this story of a panel of doctors operating a patient out there. Like how come she is even allowed to sneak in her smartphone inside an OT, no matter how severe the surgery is, idts any nurses/jr. nurses are allowed to do so, OTP she even recorded it live, i ain't accusing anyone right at this point but the authority whose carelessness go south sometimes, Is this somewhat common in private hospitals/medical Colleges, no strict surveillance?lack of proper discipline?