Funny things to put on yard sign for 30th b-day

I won’t be disclosing my age, but just know that I am a minor - who goes to secondary school- and I live in England. Growing up, I was quite oblivious to the fact that my parents had not raised me ‘normally’ - so I when I got into secondary school, I didn’t even know what the word ‘gay‘ meant, I didn’t know how to wash my hair, I didn’t have any social media (me posting this is one of my forms of teenage rebellion - that, and secretly watching funny commentary YouTubers) and I didn’t know what a period was. Only when I got into secondary school and made some friends there, did I realise that their rules weren’t exactly normal. Turns out, my friends were allowed to choose their own clothes and hairstyles, watch films and tv shows on their own, go out and join clubs, have sleepovers, eat at any time they want… Over these past few years, I’ve seriously debated whether or not my parents were just strict, or borderline abusive. I’ve never been hurt physically by them, but emotionally is a different story. Anytime I cry, or talk about my insecurities, I get shouted and screamed at, rather then hugged - which is weird, because that’s what my teachers do. Also, they are heavy drinkers (I think - definitely in comparison to my mates’ parents) and spend long times at restaurant, obviously leading to fights that get us kicked out. I’ve grown to dread going to restaurants, even without my parents present, I get panic attacks. They comment on my weight - according to my friends, I’m pretty skinny - and call me ugly. Furthermore, it just seems that my brother gets special treatment. I’ll give an example: one time, he pushed me into a busy road because I made a joke about Fortnite or something, and I got told off for provoking him. He got icecream. I also always seem to be blamed for things - the wine running out, them feeling tired, etc. There is quite a bit I have not mentioned - my dad is a schizophrenic, my brother has anger issues to the point they get violent and my mum is extremely strict and harsh. I’ve not mentioned my own worries and mental health issues, not to mention the period complications that my mum refuses to get checked because it is a ‘waste of time‘. I cry myself to sleep, sometimes waking up from a sudden panic attack. I feel so lonely, even though I have a bunch of friends, because I feel like none of them would understand. So please, I’ve tried talking to friends and pastoral team at school, but to no avail. I have had to learn everything on my own - how to shower, brush my teeth, put on a period pad etc. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill, are my parents just strict? Feel free to ask me questions, I just want some clarity. I hope everyone on this subreddit is okay. :)

My husband, my son, and I all went out to dinner last night. We weren’t feeling the full sit down restaurant so we went to a self-serve buffet. The only thing the staff do regarding tables is fill drinks, take dirty plates, and clean tables. Everything was great until it came time to pay.
We waived down one of the employees and asked if we pay at the table or go up front. He said he’d be right back with the check. He comes back and the check is $40 which is around what we expected. My husband had worked yesterday, and per company policy they will pay for dinner if you work over 12 hours (which he did). However, it is not supposed to exceed $35. No problem, I take a $10 bill out of my wallet and put it down with the check and the card, so the card doesn’t go over $35. The guy quickly walks by and grabs it as he walks by. The guy comes back and my husband looks at the receipt which still reads $40. My husband asks “did you take the $10 off and put the rest on the card?” The guy responds “I assumed it was a tip” and stands there waiting for my husband to sign the check. No apology, no let me fix that for you. My husband is awkward when it comes to confrontation, so he signs it and is upset. We were planning on tipping, but he could get in huge trouble for going over the limit on the card.
We walk up front and I encourage my husband to say something before we leave. He ends up telling the girl up front what happened and she calls the guy over and makes him give her the $10 and refunds the card $10. The guy looks pissed, but I don’t care. Had he said “I’m sorry let me fix that for you” and taken care of it himself when we brought it up to him I would’ve still tipped, but no way I was after he just stood there waiting for us to sign. It felt like we were forced to tip, and a 25% tip at that for someone who didn’t even wait on us!

We broke up 5 weeks ago and have been no contact. We had a bit toxic relationship but I still have a lot of feelings for her and a single argument abruptly ended our relationship. I have thought that she wants nothing to do with me but our mutual friend said “we both know that she doesn’t want nothing to do with you.” My mutual friend told me that she still talks about me a lot and makes comments about our relationship. I came over to our friends house yesterday because I was going to watch the Mavericks game with my friend and she and her friends were there with one of our mutual friends (not my friend that’s watching the game) and I did not speak to her at all and simply said hi to her friends and walked to another room. I stayed away completely and did not go back into that room for the rest of the night. They were going out to Dave and Busters and my ex left her car there. When I left (before they got back) I saw a white flower in the yard and put it under her windshield wiper and then left. I left it as a gift, a symbol of peace, and to show her that I still think of her. We have both eachother blocked on everything after the argument that ended our relationship so I don’t know how she reacted to it when she got back from Dave and Busters.
For some reason, I have been overthinking today and my anxious mind is telling me that it was super weird to do that. I felt a major urge to extend an olive branch towards her and felt like this one flower could be a very distant way of letting her know that hold no anger towards her after everything that went down between us. I just need some extra input:
Is this a weird thing to do? How would you react if your recent ex of 5 weeks did that? Did I overstep a boundary? I know we are supposed to be no contact but I feel bad for doing this now
Tl;dr I left a white flower as a gift to my ex if 5 weeks and feel weird about it all.

I've lived a consistently miserable life. And a very peculiar one. From age 6 I was being gaslit by my mother who has a narcissistic personality disorder. I was being provoked by her until she got me to have mental breakdowns and to behave erratically. Even if I didn't behave erratically, things would be taken out of context and then she would use them in a smear campaign against me, convincing everyone around me I was an aggressive, insane delinquent. She isolated, manipulated, and controlled me everyday of my life. She was regularly sadistic towards me and fed on my constant emotional distress. I grew up in the south, where children are seen not heard, so when my mother told the CPS workers involved with our family, my therapists/psychiatrists, family friends, my father, troubled teen program staff, etc I was the problem, they accepted the situation as such. At the very least, I was considered pitiable for being crazy, and at most I was seen as a monster. Like the kind of kid reality tv shows about out of control kids make episodes about for money.
I was just completely demonized and it was insane considering how I was regularly a victim of abuse from my mother and the peers she involved. I was pretty much the victim of an angry mob. The raw cruelty that flowed out of people was jawdropping. A lot of it came from people's archaic views, but I think some of them were just power hungry people looking for a socially acceptable reason to abuse people. If you justify your actions as discipline against monsters, your sadism becomes socially justified.
It was complicated, because I was being advertised as crazy and the experience itself eventually made me crazy. I began to slip from the constant pressure of mind games. That didn't help my case. The abuse never seemed to end.
When we moved to the north when I was 15, I was met with a sizable amount of people's doubt of me, but for the larger part, finally believed. Significantly believed. People were able to see I was telling the truth. Still, when I moved out of my mother's house about a year later, the damage had been done. Despite being a good student, I dropped out of high school because I was too occupied with my cptsd and other accumulated mental health issues, and beginning to struggle with being scatter brained. Since then, I've been living like a shell of a human being, working through layers of various mental health issues with no improvement. Everyday is just miserable.
I am now at a point where I am considering that the universe or whatever divine power out there has been purposefully putting me through these things my whole life as a lesson and/or punishment, and that I've just been blind to how deserving I've been of it all. I have been recently asking the universe/the divine for signs of confirmation this is the case, and I've gotten them. They seem too on point to be coincidental. They are thorough.
I think that either I was put through these things because I deserved the misery for being guilty in the way everyone around me thought I was, or in the context that while I wasn't guilty in the way everyone around me considered me to be, I was/am guilty of being a fucked up person. Maybe it was a way of bringing karmic balance. I was never seen as guilty for being corrupt in the ways I actually was, so the divine planned for the world to see me as guilty and make me miserable for the things I didn't have wrong with me. Either as a punishment, a lesson, or both.
And if either of these scenarios are the case, my first instinct is to say it's not fucking fair. I've been trampled my entire life, and still I'm supposed to view the things that have happened to me as deserved or my fault? That I need to take accountability and realize I'm the problem? Are you fucking kidding me? I feel like I don't, nor did I ever deserve that shit. But the divine seems to disagree. And you can't disagree with the divine, they're always right. I'm a mere stupid human. I want this to all be in my head or just random coincidences but the manner in which these signs are showing seems too real.
Maybe me thinking I'm not the problem is the mistake I consistently make. And if that's the case I don't want to continue to make that mistake. Both because I feel like the divine will continue to punish me/teach me this lesson, and because I don't want to be blind and I want to make things right.
Making this post in itself feels like taking a step backwards. Like I'm fishing for people to tell me that's not the case, and that I didn't deserve what happened, because for the most part I don't believe I deserved any of this. If someone else said this about their trauma, I'd tell them how that's just their trauma talking. But I've always been an outlier situation. Maybe I'm just a unique brand of fucked up that warranted that pain.
Between the weird trauma I have and the signs I've seen, I feel like I'm cursed or haunted or being disciplined spiritually.

Sorry in advance for the long post, but this is really important to me.
So, my ex (31, F) and I (33, M) were dating for about 1.5 years. We were long distance (about 3.5 hrs from each other). Before we started dating, we had been close friends for a decade. She was really my first attempt at an adult relationship. Mainly b/c I had a traumatic incident happen in a relationship from when I was younger (20) where I thought my gf at the time and I had a daughter together, only to find out it wasn’t mine. After years of focusing on my career and isolating myself for the most part, I finally felt like I was ready to take the leap and start dating again. I was wrong.
My ex and I had flirted for years before we started dating. I thought she had led me on in the past and I had built up a bit of resentment around that, but I never really took a solid shot, so I really shouldn’t have blamed her. Anyway, I eventually took my shot and we started dating. From the beginning, I started fucking up left and right. I struggled to communicate my feelings and instead would let it build and eventually lash out, my financial habits were a mess, and I was struggling to feel confident in my own skin b/c I was trying to be who I thought she wanted me to be and had abandoned any semblance of a self-identity I had.
Fast forward 1.5 years and we’ve had plenty of ups and downs. Some days we were happily together and others I could feel all the ups and downs just building a cloud over the top of us. I started going to therapy because I was emotionally abusive at times when I would lose control of my anger. Of course, I always would feel guilty after those bouts, but it doesn’t matter how I feel if I can’t control it and stop hurting her. So I said enough, i was so confused as to why I couldn’t control myself and I just wanted to figure out my truth whether it was “sexy” or not. I just wanted to unravel everything and fix the things I should’ve fixed years ago. I wanted to mature emotionally at all costs. I went to my therapist and instead of talking about my partner and I (which was typically what I did) I told her I wanted to focus on me. I discovered I struggle w/ codependent behaviors (lack of boundaries, resentment, jealousy, fear of abandonment, etc.). In short, I’m codependent.
Behind all of the issues was a deep level of care for one another. However, it was almost like she just didn’t want to give up on her good friend who was trying to work through his problems with her. I often felt like my actions were me subconsciously pushing her away b/c I knew I would hurt her again. If it was any other guy, I don’t think it would’ve lasted half a year. I think a part of me thought that if I just kept trying my hardest, I would eventually work through everything and we’d be a strong and happy couple. I tried my best to maintain awareness of what I was doing and how I was hurting her. But when we’d fight I’d often blame her for my resentments and emotions; losing control and saying things like “fuck off” and sometimes worse.
I ended up putting myself in a tough spot financially that jeopardized my and her future together. It led to a series of fights and blame shifting on my end about how she lost faith and how that made me hopeless. Bullshit I know. Especially with her body being on a time clock, me knowing this, and disrespecting her timeline. Truly chaotic and heartbreaking. We really were close friends and there were plenty of really good times mixed with plenty of rough patches. Some days filled with so much love. I know we will always have a soft spot for the other.
After our last fight, where I said some “fuck offs” and “fuck yous”, she said “Alright, I’m done.” This has been said many times, but we never wanted to truly give up on one another before. This time, I could tell she meant it. She even said she felt like I forced her to breakup with me. As soon as she hung up I felt that sense of familiar dread wash over me. I did it again. I lost control and disrespected her.
The following day I texted her an apology. Something she’s beyond used to. I blocked her phone number and on social (not to be spiteful, but b/c I knew I needed to take space, heal, and grow). After a few days, I unblocked her number. We haven’t spoken and i can’t help but think she either A) never responded to the apology and we’ll never talk again (she’s very ‘what’s done is done’ but I’ve always thought I may be the exception), B) told me to never talk to her again or “don’t contact me anymore” or C) any other response about what was next.
It’s been a week of NC since we last spoke. The problem is I only mentioned NC during a fight, but we never really decided on anything. Maybe there wasn’t much left to decide. A truly painful week as the reality has set in. I started going to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings and am trying to get involved in a Church where some old friends go (just to build faith and community). I’ve been reading books and working through workbooks on codependency as recommended by my therapist.
I keep reading that abusers never change and that is terrifying to me. I never thought I would be this way. Regardless, I abused her. I manipulated her. I take that seriously and should’ve figured out how to stop before. Now, I’m desperate to make sure I fix this for my sake. I eventually want a happy family. I should’ve done more self-introspection after my first traumatic relationship. That’s on me.
I really do care for my ex outside of our romantic relationship. A part of me still believes we would’ve worked if I handled my codependency issues before we dated. Knowing the damage is done, I worry if I don’t apologize soon, we’ll never speak or have a shot again. On the flipside, I know I need to go through some painful self-discovery and I struggle to do so peacefully if we were to make amends again. At this point, it’s hard to see why she wouldn’t just focus on healing and moving on to someone else. But I know we have a bond that makes that difficult.
What do I do?
TL;DR - Do I contact her?

~First~
A Scion of Many Worlds
Observer Wu was not sure about this next call. There had been rumours, rumours stories and absurdities from first to last. But this was one he would need to investigate thoroughly. He steels his face to a neutral position as the call goes through.
“You’re on a drone observing. I am working.” Is the first thing that comes through. A voice simultaneously deep but accompanied with a chorus of tingling bells. The image shows an enormous figure that appears to be primarily composed of shimmering white fur looking over the 3D model of a building as he directs things through the air with his right hand. Support structures, beams and building materials all soar at his direction and quickly slam themselves into place to quickly construct a large structure. “I am capable of speaking as I work, so if you have questions then ask them.”
“I am Observer Wu from Earth. I am looking for Mister Blue.
“I am one of the Blues.” The enormous figure states. “Jasper Blue, also Emmanuel Skitterway.”
The camera zooms in before something white catches onto it and it’s forced back. “Apologies, the drone is not of the best quality.”
“I would assume that a... God Emperor would have better?”
“I am directing these resources into infrastructure. Things like this sewage processing plant will not build themselves and the components that the camera drone requires are better spent ensuring that pathogens are kept out of the water, or that a medical scanner has appropriate redundancies.” Emmanuel replies as the panelling to the outside of the building start attaching itself at his direction and they’re quickly left with a solid looking structure with numerous tanks to the side.
“Alright the building is finished! Painters! Have your way with it!” He calls out and numerous people rush up with decorating supplies. “There is more for me to do. While many of the relief ships arrived with prefabricated buildings there was an unfortunate and nearly universal blindspot in their considerations.”
“Which is?”
“That while the world is settled by many respects, it was at a late iron age level at best, borderline tribal in other areas. Sewage treatment and sanitation concerns like that are simply not in their proper place. Every major and minor settlement requires a massive overhaul of it’s infrastructure in order to bring the living standards up to even industrial levels, let alone galactic levels.” Emmanuel states.
“This seems rather menial for someone ostensibly in charge of an entire planet.”
“Delegation. I have any communications and status updates relayed to me through that pursuing drone, it’s a hand’s free system, so while it is not always at one hundred percent satisfaction it allows me to lead while I also work. After all, many of the legislative concerns can be easily taken care of by my numerous assistants, but only a handful of people have the sanitation know how and willingness to work and put together sewage containment.”
“A little demeaning for one worshipped as a god.”
“I am a Primal. I’m going to be regarded as such whether I indent a throne with an ever widening rear or gunk out sewer lines, and of the two only one of them actually makes things better.” Emmanuel dismisses.
“Really. Yet you’re still not getting dirty.”
“I could do things less efficiently to look like I’ve been working hard, but honestly it’s all in the Axiom. The truth of the matter is that sewer work with even just a small amount of technology is more boring than dirty.” Emmanuel states before turning, the camera turns with him. It now shows where an entire army of workers are installing the pipes and systems for a proper sewage network. “Still, not bad eh? One year ago this place was an abandoned wreck of a smaller city. The population all but mind controlled by a group of religious fanatics who convinced them to abandon their homes and any dignity. They’ve come a long way since.” Emmanuel states.
“Have they?”
“This was the Greenstone Alliance Territory, a breakaway state from The Empire of Miru. To them the cannon was the military innovation rocking the nation.”
“I see...”
“Now they get air conditioning, indoor plumbing, heating in the winter, canned food for the leaner months, telephones to speak with their loved ones over a distance, radio for alerts and entertainment and far more.” Emmanuel states as he indicates an antenna being set up.
“All that?” Observer Wu remarks. “You seem a little... involved for a supposed god.”
“There are two so called gods on this world.” Emmanuel replies. “I, who have personally conquered much of it, wheeled and dealed with other nations and proved myself as warrior and leader both, and Yserizan. Yserizan is either the mother, grandmother or great grandmother of at least a quarter of the world population.”
“And your relationship to this Yserizan?”
“One of my wives. Our union was also a unification of Lablan as a single strong point on this world and...”
“What’s this?” A new voice asks and the camera reorients to a young woman with glowing golden hair.
“Just a camera drone, nothing to be concerned about.” Emmanuel states.
“Oh. So it’s watching us?”
“Yes.”
“And the image of the person on top of it?”
“The person watching.”
“Who is he?”
“Observer Wu.”
“And why is an Observer needed?”
“Do you recall whenever Earth or the Origins of Humanity are discussed?”
“A little? Every time I seem to get a little bit more education it just lets me see how much more there is.”
“Oh that’s very normal.” Emmanuel replies.
“If I may be introduced?” Observer Wu asks.
“I am Empress Zaviah Enlightened Luxen Divine Ascendant, ruler of Miru Reborn.”
“Miru Reborn is?”
“One of the largest empires upon Lakran. Consisting of Central Miru, The Greenstone Territories of Northern Miru and The Goldlands Unification of Southern Miru. Our population is primarily Erumenta of all types, but other peoples are of course welcome.”
“And what brought about this rebirth?” Observer Wu asks and his eyebrows go up as Zaviah points right at Emmanuel.
“Heh, guilty. Everywhere I turned the planet seemed to just be full of more and more problems that needed to stop sometime ten years ago and no one else was available. So I did the best I could.”
“And then broke armies, nations and all known limits upon people.”
“All presently known limits, what I did is only impressive when it’s weighed in that I started with only Horace’s memories and didn’t even understand how an Urthani body fully worked at the time.” Emmanuel states.
“Yes. I read that report. It was absurd.”
“It was accurate. We have all the parties involved to attest for it here on planet if you care to speak with them.” Emmanuel notes as he checks a device and nods. “All right, next is...”
“Break.” Zaviah tells him.
“Excuse me.”
“Grandmother has given ME the authority to force you into rest father!” Zaviah says with relish in her tone.
“She wouldn’t!”
“She has! If I see that you’re working too hard I can tell you to stop.”
“You do know she legally has no such authority over me right?” Emmanuel asks pointing a diamond plated claw at the comparatively tiny Erumenta who’s grinning widely at this.
“Yes, but she’ll be so disappointed that her little boy isn’t taking care of himself anymore even though he promised to and...”
“It was a mistake working so hard to make the two of you friends.” Emmanuel says in a note of false despair. “Just a moment I’ll instruct the work crew on the next few communities to proceed without me.”
“That sounds like work.”
“A text to go with Plan B rather than Plan A is not work, it’s good manners.” Emmanuel protests and raises an eye ridge as a much smaller girl tries to glare him down. “Are you sure you want to put so much force into your day by day interactions while...”
A tiny dark shape slams into Zaviah to the Erumenta’s audible protest as Magrica starts gushing about how cute it is for the little girl to finally have some grit in her gut and how she’s going to braid her hair and take her monster hunting and get her a battleaxe to go with that attitude...
Emmanuel turns to the politely puzzled Wu and shrugs.
“Motherhood does amazing things to some women. Magrica was much more openly fierce before, but she decided that all my children, adopted and otherwise, were hers to teach and nurture into proper warriors.”
“And how did she take the fact that you are technically the step parent of a quarter of the world’s population if what you told me about Yserizan is correct?”
“She has an entire squadron of Nagasha she’s training to be monster hunters. It’s actually going pretty well. The Jungle Nagasha are really appreciating it more than the other types, but the few Cloud Nagasha they have as scouts and aerial reconnaissance are fully embracing the role.”
“And how are you taking to... godhood?” Observer Wu asks his eyes penetrating.
“It grows more comfortable unfortunately.”
“Unfortunately.” Wu repeats. Not questioning, but certainly prompting.
“I’ve had to put aside my own prejudices in the matter. Humans have a bad track record with self proclaimed gods and messiahs. Too many fakes and too many holy wars. To say nothing of the cults, witch-hunts and the like. And Urthani would follow any number of faiths, but the divine figure was either some kind of Divine Truth, a more abstract theology, gods that embody concepts or something animist for the most part.”
“Did you look to The Nagasha for a better example?”
“I did, and that’s what caused me to grow more comfortable with the title. Primal Nagasha aren’t worshipped in the way humans would a prohet or saint. Seeing them as nigh infallible. No, a Primal Nagasha is simply the very best that a Nagasha can be and it can neither be stopped nor denied. While most of them are indeed leaders to follow, authorities to obey or the sources of philosophy to accept, they are not regarded as unquestionable or infallible.”
“And that is what helped?”
“It is. I was terrified that someone would misinterpret me, either honestly or malevolently, and cause immense damage in my name. A crusade to cull any politician that isn’t in the military through fire and steel, or an Urthani Colony deciding that they deserve the entire world and since not only have the strength now, but a god of their own, that they are righteous in slaughter... I had several kinds of nightmare when I let my mind wander.”
“And?” Wu prompts.
“I had a conversation. An important one with an important person. She helped me put everything in perspective. But she’s not the type to appreciate too much attention. So she’s requested I keep things quiet. But, I can say that she is an authority on the subject. And she had a fair amount to say.”
“So you’ve spoken to other so called gods of the serpent people.”
“Primal Nagasha, and yes. One has arrived already, she lives her life as quietly as she can. Another is soon to arrive. The first wanted my measure, the second wants to ensure that as a more militaristic Primal that I’m up to standard as she calls it.”
“Oh?”
“I’m part of the smallest stable demographic in the galaxy. Primals. Apparently we’re a very self policing people.”
“So in other words, you’re more a celebrity in multiple fields than some object of worship?”
“Closer to actual worship than celebrity worship I’m afraid. Still, it’s not mindless, and those that are looking for an excuse... well they’ll find another one if it’s not me. At least if someone’s trying to use my name to do something horrible it means I have all moral authority to let them know how stupid such a thing is.”
“I suppose that is an upside to an insane cult deciding that it wants to go on a rampage in your name.”
“But that’s just the thing I really had to internalize, if they’re going to do that, then they’re going to do it and I’m just their excuse. They’ll find another if I’m not available. I’m responsible for the example I set, the actions I do and the things I say. I am not responsible for how they are interpreted.”
“Interesting. Still, is there a reason you’re sharing this in particular?”
“I figured the most distressing thing that Earth would consider about my situation was my rise into divine stature. A powerful soldier can be understood, a powerful politician or businessman can also be understood, but someone being regarded as a god can not be understood within a positive context thanks to the rather terrible history of such on Earth.” Emmanuel says.
“That... is an interesting concern. However, you do not think your conquering an entire world to be a bad thing?”
“Considering that it was basically in unending war, competition and self sabotage? Yes. You see, this world was suffering over an unending brain drain due to the fact that all male colonists were lost in the initial crash of the colony ship. There were surviving males, but they were in stasis and could not be retrieved. The method that was used to ensure there would be a future population was flawed, intended as an emergency stopgap. But they didn’t have the means to move past it. So it was used over and over again. This world was nearing the breaking point.”
“And that justifies conquering it?”
“When the nation states are tearing themselves apart through mindless pride? Scheming for the sake of scheming? Or are outright predating the other states? Yes, yes it does. To not intervene would have killed, far, far more people.”
“So you justify things by saying that thye will thank you some day?’
“They thank me now.”
“And it’s sincere?”
“Yes, considering that I’ve had a woman weep with relief at getting something as simple as a pair of glasses, or another outright beg for her child and herself to be healed of the degeneration they’ve suffered. How can I consider it anything but sincere?” Emmanuel asks.
“Oh? Who are you speaking with?” A new voice asks before a massive serpent woman slithers into Wu’s field of view. Her hood is fully flared out to reveal her as Lady Yserizan as she regards things. “A human friend?”
“An Observer from earth, they’re struggling to believe all the things they’ve been told.”
“Considering some mornings I wake up scarcely believing how my life has changed for the better I don’t blame them.” Yserizan notes happily. “Still, is there anything this... Observer wants to know in particular?”
“In particular I want to know many things. I’m just saying my first hello and listening to whatever anyone wants to say to me. I’ll be visiting that world before I return to Earth so make of that what you will.” Observer Wu says.
“Of course, it might be interesting to show you the temple my daughters made for me.”
“I will admit, receiving a tour of a living god’s temple from the god themselves will be a new experience for me.” Observer Wu admits.
~First~ Last

We broke up 5 weeks ago and have been no contact. We had a very toxic relationship but I still have a lot of feelings for her. I have thought that she wants nothing to do with me but our mutual friend said “we both know that she doesn’t want nothing to do with you.” I came over to our friends house yesterday because I was going to watch the Mavericks game with my friend and she and her friends were there with one of our mutual friends (not my friend that’s watching the game) and I did not speak to her at all and simply said hi to her friends and walked to another room. They were going out to Dave and Busters and my ex left her car there. When I left (before they got back) I saw a white flower in the yard and put it under her windshield wiper and then left. I left it as a gift, a symbol of peace, and to show her that I still think of her. We have both eachother blocked on everything after the argument that ended our relationship so I don’t know how she reacted to it when she got back from Dave and Busters.
For some reason, I have been overthinking today and my anxious mind is telling me that it was super weird to do that. I felt a major urge to extend an olive branch towards her and felt like this one flower could be a very distant way of letting her know that hold no anger towards her after everything that went down between us. I just need some extra input:
Is this a weird thing to do? How would you react if your recent ex of 5 weeks did that? Did I overstep a boundary?
Tl;dr I left a white flower as a gift to my ex if 5 weeks and feel weird about it all.

Sorry it's so late this week. I'm an ex Seoul Dynasty player as well and I was a bit too busy so I kind of just listened to all for it and then got way too busy for a few days with work. Here's the loose translations for episode 5 of Overwatch University. Rush had to leave very early on due to Internet issues and Moon who was watching at the time volunteered to help as a lot of the talk was in regards to the Seoul vs Shanghai Rivalry anyways so having both POVs was insightful
Topic 1 Intros and Seoul Dynasty Season 1
Aid: Have you seen Overwatch University given you have been invited by NineK
Tobi: Not really. I've skimmed around and seen pieces of the Crusty interview and Moon interview.
Aid: We're going to go over Tobis lengthy career as we were both pros
NineK: Isn't it kind of disrespectful to Tobi for you to group him up with you?
Aid: I had a lot of talent I just got cursed with a shit Coach like you NineK right Tobi?
Tobi: True
Aid: See two instances of your failures
NineK: What does that make the people who won under me? You two must've been the problem.
Aid: (pulled up Seoul Dynasty s1 roster and Tobi just explains who all of them were) Honestly you guys didn't do amazing right?
Tobi: No we were bad we went 7-3, 7-3, 5-5, and then 3-7. Just mid
NineK: Did you feel in preseason scrims you were in trouble?
Tobi: No I didn't we did very well even in the preseason games we won everything.
Rush: There any problems we didn't know about you can tell us?
Tobi: I can tell all the potential members we could've had though. Carpe, Fury, Gesture, Jjonak
NineK: Wow you started and ended with Seoul now that I think about it.
Aid: So we heard lots of rumors about Seoul but I heard you had unique member rotations where only allowing certain players for certain stages?
Tobi: If I'm clarifying a bit the split rosters was more of a season 2 decision with an A team and B team where eventually the roster mixed together. Biggest issue was the coaches couldn't agree. So sometimes they would just take turns like coach A gets to decide today then coach B gets to decide what to do and then coach c.
NineK: I heard you basically did that with a new coach per stage.
Rush: Who was your head coach?
Tobi: 4 coaches + extras
Aid: How did you decide who played what?
Tobi: Honestly the meta was so hard locked at the time the biggest issue was the coaches disagreed how we should play and it was very confusing how we should do it. We basically went back and forth with a coach of the day deciding what we did.
NineK: Too many games too. That's how Shanghai went 0-40 cause there was way too much. Not to mention no one wanted to scrim them cause it's not like you wanted to be their first victory either.
Tobi: We scrimmed them a bit
NineK: Wow you're nice people.
Tobi: They've invited us over at times and made food for us too.
Rush: Yeah there's pictures of it.
NineK: Cause of the Korean members?
Tobi: No this was way before that
NineK: Wow so kind. Isn't it cause your results weren't good either?
Tobi: Uhhh... Where were you in season 1?
NineK: I came in late. Stage 3. Season 1 was fun though
Aid: Honestly getting dragged back and forth by your coaches must be stressful. As a player there has got to be times when you do something one way and think to yourself why the heck does he want me to do it this way instead
NineK: Also they'd probably never had that many members to work with either since they just added players to Lunatic Hai
Tobi: True. We had 11 starting members and then acquired Gambler when I was having wrist issues. Then we lost another member and went back to 11. I truly believe having 12 members was so pointless
NineK: I agree like it's good if you can make it work but if you don't it just makes people feel awful. I don't know why people insisted so much on large rosters.
Tobi: Lots of people lots of possibilities I guess?
Rush: Also this is when OWL wanted to copy traditional sports so they got a bunch of players on their rosters
Tobi: They did invest more in OWL back then
NineK: They were really the team designed to win everything weren't they?
Rush: I remember an article saying they had an 80% chance of winning
NineK: People don't get how hard this time was cause of the random Mercy meta. Honestly probably wouldn't have been this bad for Seoul if patches came out like they do now
Tobi: Meta was unfavorable sure but we just played poorly to be honest
NineK: Wow so honest very cool
Topic 2: Ryujekong
Aid: Everyone was so confused by Ryujehong on Tank I want to hear what happened
Tobi: Honestly it's been so long I don't remember this time very well. I also wasn't even scrimming or playing at the time because of my wrist. I was basically just going to the doctor. We had kuki who for reasons was having troubles so he stopped playing and then Miro was having a lot of struggles at the time as well with how the meta was playing. It's mostly because of the comms cause obviously Miro had better mechanics Jehong sucks at primaling too but he would take space well and call out commands for the team to help
Aid: How did your scrims go?
Tobi: I don't remember
NineK: He can't help but not remember there were only scrims allowed at the practice facilities at the time and kids that were ill like him straight up just didn't even go. There were set times
Aid: So this isn't Jehongs main position and he was forced to tank must have been hard.
NineK & Rush: Must be
Tobi: It absolutely was. Imagine how sorry he felt to Miro. He was a support replacing Miro. If he fails not only does he get ridiculed for it but people slander Miro for being replaced by a tank of this caliber he felt very burdened feeling sorry that Miro might get insulted more than he did
NineK: I remember at the time a lot of people said Jehong had a bad Zenyatta as well but I thought it was good
Aid: Yeah I don't really see how he was particularly bad
NineK: Honestly the way things were he was probably just getting compared to Jjonak who was a beast at the time. The flame for Jehong was insane at the time
Aid: I remember his team would just hyper pocket Jjonak and have him just frag. NYXL were so defensive and good at pocketing.
NineK: In another way of seeing things that playstyle not being meta anymore might be why NYXL couldn't hack it in finals.
(Watching VOD of Seoul vs London)
NineK: Damn Munchkin fucking sucked at Tracer
Rush: Wait why is Fleta playing Widow?
Tobi: He was really good at Widow
NineK: He was
Rush: Then what is Munchkin good at
NineK: Just Cassidy Soldier. But Widow was so broken back then
Aid: Monkey could never catch her cause of her grapple cooldown
NineK: Nearly all the monkeys sucked at primal dribbling too. If a Mercy pocketed her she never died either. Who was good then again? Carpe...
Tobi: Linkzr Surefour Pine
Aid: Wow such names from my memories
NineK: Gesture Fury were way too good at Monkey D.va. Honestly there's so much shit about London I wanna expose
Aid: Bring Profit
NineK: I'll get Rascal easily. Wow Bdosin looks so young here what the he'll.
Topic 3: End of Season 2 VOD of Jehong Tobi Crying Post Elimination to Spark
Aid: I didn't know this happened at the time but NineK mentioned this happened can you explain?
Tobi: At the time role lock got forced and doomfist hanzo reaper were good. At the time we were kind of really good in scrims but lost to a team in tournament we never lost too in scrims. Jehong was already out there crying and I didn't want to come out and Danny kept forcing me to come out even though I said I didn't want too. But I was afraid the broadcast would get delayed or ruined cause of me so I was forced to.
Ninek: At the time we were preparing for our game up right after them but our GM was so fuxking angry at the time like how could you force them to do this right after they lost he complained a lot to Blizzard. Cause just imagine, thank God you brought out two veterans and media trained players. Imagine if you brought out complete noobies if it was this hard for these 2 veterans imagine what they might let slip on a broadcast when emotions are this high. This is also right after their season ended and they were officially eliminated.
Rush: From Blizzards POV these 2 were icons of the game and they probably felt like they could really show the importance and feelings toward this game to the audience watching
NineK: But like RIGHT after they lost is insane to me. Like let them process instead of fucking ambushing them as they're coming down from the stage.
Rush: But it's important cause this is when they're at the peak of the emotions being felt so I get it.
NineK: There's actually so many players who went down that stage to the hallways down crying
Aid: Of course they work hard and it didn't work.
Tobi: When we scrimmed we only lost to 1 team ever. Shock. We beat Vancouver NYXL Spark everyone else.
NineK: Wow so strong
Tobi: But in the end we just lost to Spark
NineK: I can say this now but we scrimmed Hangzhou a lot at this time. They didn't have a coach we were their coaches. Literally they would scrim us and copy us the next day in games. Since GOATs they basically decided they couldn't beat us so they copied our opening strats positioning skill usage everything. That's why they did decent
Aid: So Seoul lost cause of you
Tobi: We regretted a lot because of some of our microplays. There was a thing when double shield was first happening where Moria sprays her heals on the tanks right? The enemy Sigmas could shoot their shield out behind the Orisa to block the heals. And we thought this was possible but went and said it wasn't going to be a difference maker and ignored it
NineK: Wait we were doing that since day 1 lol
Tobi: We lost to Spark because of that. We felt awful cause this is something we thought could happen but ignored. At the time Marvel was our Sigma and Michelle who was a traditional offtank was forced on Orisa. We had Fissure who was good at Orisa who retired so we had no Orisas.
Aid: Timings always been off for Seoul I guess
NineK: No wonder you felt so many emotions. I was so sad seeing this. Seoul was honestly so good in season 2 but always somehow was just one step short. It hurt my heart to see them.
Aid: Players don't like to cry like that so they have to have been feeling so much to cry like this
Topic 4: Seoul vs Shanghai
Aid: We had Moon and he said some stuff on this we were all in the West and we would just see the results but this May Melee where you were up 3-0 and got reverse swept... your stories about this?
Tobi: We didn't get ahead of ourselves Shanghai was always good at Gibraltr and we thought we would lose this map but win the rest for a 4-1. I'm not sure how we lost Busan though
Tobi: We won a lot with our double shield
Rush: Fearless wasn't supposed to play
Aid: Fearless told me at the time he didn't get to scrim even once and then came in and won everything
NineK: Wow
Aid: Yeah no scrims at all
NineK: Wait Tobi why us Bdosin on Brig and you on Baptiste?
Tobi: I played the Baptiste for Seoul at the time cause Bdosin fucking sucked at Bap. This mother fucker could never use his abilities properly. He must've gotten sick in the head watching Viol2t play or something cause whenever he had cooldowns he would be on some high ground alone shooting and scream "Aghhh" and die off on his own
NineK: I remember now it wasn't super locked who played what because no one had Briggitte experience at the time
Tobi: Also if this happened there would be cases where in double shield mirror your Brig had to swap to Zenyatta but at the time Gesture had too many complaints about coordinating his pulls with Bdosin
NineK: I have no idea how Seoul lost this right now
Tobi: There's no absolutes in Overwatch. But the only thing I remember is our loss in Junkertown
Aid: For Kings Row I remember the Felta carry with Widow this was probably in all of those OWL top 5 highlights. I still can't believe how far Shnghai got in Junkertown though
NineK: Wow even Fearless is playing Orisa here
Tobi: That's why we thought we would win here. It's such a double tank focused map. Fits was randomly flanked high on the left and I td him to get down but he died on our A defense.
NineK: Wow you guys got out ult cycled like crazy
Rush: The Torbjorn choice here leaves a lot to be desired
NineK: I agree
Aid: So then there is that little celebration Shanghai did how did you feel
Tobi: Can I curse?
NineK: Seoul is just so ugh... like back in season 2 they beat New York during GOATs who was supposed to be top 2 but Seould couldn't take those next steps to greatness here as well. There are those super important games that once you win you just go on a roll and Seoul never got to do it
Tobi: I really hated losing to Shanghai cause I could've been on the team.
NineK: Really?
Tobi: Yeah I received offers from them on 3 separate occasions but ended up choosing Seoul. I wanted to believe I made the right choice so I wanted to win
Topic 5: Tobi Happy. Season 3
Aid: There's this gif of you happy after a win
NineK: It's so funny you took your glasses off before cheering
Tobi: At the time we lost to Shanghai so often but then finally beat them
NineK: The thing is Seoul was lucky cause they actually shouldn't have been in the season 3 finals originally.
Rush: Washington was the biggest offender
NineK: Off memory it felt like a "everyone suffered because of COVID so everyone gets a chance" thing
Tobi: But the thing to note is we did well in the West before we were forced to go to Korea and beat Glads and Valiant. We won like all of our scrims at the time.
NineK: Fine I'll give you that
Rush: Seoul was honestly really good during the online era
Aid: What did you think of the Hog meta?
Tobi: I was a huge doubter. Like at the time it was Zarya Hog or Sigma Hog. It just had none of the fundamentals of Overwatch I was used to seeing. I just couldn't believe it.
NineK: Tobis a purist "where do you come from thinking Hog could ever be a main tank"
Tobi: His ability to take space was unreal at the time. But Gesture was really into it and Wizardhyeong pushed for it
Aid: Gesture was a really good Hog though
NineK: All the guys there had good Hogs. Gesture Super Smurf Fearless were all good at it
Rush: But Shanghai didn't play it
NineK: I don't know Shanghais reasoning but I know Shock played how they did cause Viol2t fucking sucked at Ana lol. The thing is he did win with it but his scrim results as Ana was terrible
Rush: Viol2t Ana is known in the community as weaker though
NineK: But he doesn't think so
Tobi: I heard it got to the point where Crusty said he would do better if he played than Viol2t
NineK: That's why Architect played it for a bit. They had Twilight but I have no idea why they didn't use him more. I don't know how much I should say when there's no Shock rep from the time here but as far as I Know Super wasn't supposed to play. Smurf was but he didn't fit with his playstyle and the team well enough at the time
Tobi: If I have to point out regrets in the Shock game it was not using Zenyatta on Busan
NineK: But shouldn't you playing something other than the Ashe?
Tobi: No this was when Ashe was super broken and Profit was really good at her
Aid: The more I see it the more I really feel regrets about Seouls performances
NineK: That's what I've been saying Seoul was almost never bad and had huge upside a lot for different points in time. Honestly they're Asia's Philly Fusion
Tobi: You know how it is NineK if one thing changed with your Hotba strategy or Rascal not waking the monkey
NineK: I had a team with Tobi and Carpe and caught the 2nd place curse
Tobi: Woah why are you blaming me I've won plenty.
NineK: I did too before meeting you guys
Tobi: Then it's Carpes fault
NineK: I guess it is lol
Aid: At this point we need to have Carpe on to defend himself
NineK: We're going to go watch his games this Saturday
Tobi: The Hollwood bug pissed me off too
(Vod review where Tobi popped Valkyrie in spawn and the D.va bomb from Choi killed Tobi in the respawn room) this and Viol2t living at 1 health
Aid: Wow you guys are just destined to not win that day
Tobi: It was everything against us honestly
NineK: Honestly in the regular Hog comps Seoul and Dhock were about even but Seoul couldn't beat Shocks Hog and Ball Comp
Tobi: I actually wanted to go Numbani here instead of Hollywood
NineK: I remember at this time Choihyobin was getting gapped by Hanbin a bit and all of us joked his time was over and Hanbin would replace him as the new offtank goat
NineK: I remember at this time Shock felt Bdosin was scarier. They took more maps with him. Even though they defended better with Creative
Tobi: I think at the time he wasn't getting too much scrim time so he just said to let Creative play
Topic 6 Coach Tobi
Aid: You came back after being a player for Fusion to being Head Coach of Seoul Dynasty how was that for you?
Tobi: I kind of just stopped feeling the desire to compete like "I definitely can still compete mechanically but guess it might just not work out from here"
Tobi: Was worried that newer players he hadn't yet played with wouldn't follow his leadership well
Aid: So who was the player who least listened to you
Tobi: Everyone below me followed very well
Aid: So did you work well with the other coaches given it was mentioned there were previously conflicting visions?
Tobi: Oh these people were later coaches and we had very good talks together and worked well together
NineK: Since we wanna wait for our other guest when we talk about the next topic let's move on and talk about our time together in Fusion
Tobi: There were a lot of regrets weren't there?
NineK: The biggest problem for me was I didn't know we would be playing in Korea when I made the roster and heard it from someone from another team.
NineK: I felt sorry to Carpe for that. He's like Seoul where certain key moments not working out it feels like de-railed everything for him.
Aid: What did you think when you joined and first got to know NineK?
Tobi: When I joined I did so because I heard so much good stuff about him. Like he just knows a lot about Overwatch so I was curious about him and learned a lot. There's Crusty NineK Moon and Rush that are the coaches that are very well talked about that I was curious about. I got to meet NineK and Wow I'd never believed someone could get so angry over this game he would slam on the desk yelling while coaching. But the thing was while doing that he would always be right about what he's saying
Topic 7: Moon Joins
(Moon joins the podcast because Rush was lagging out)
NineK: So is it true you sent offers to Tobi
Moon: I guess I should say hi first. My name is Coach Moon who tried to get Tobi every year but failed.
NineK: I tried that with Fury
Aid: Is one of the reasons you wanted to beat Seoul no matter what because you didn't get to recruit Tobi?
Moon: No actually around that time I got in a lot of trouble with my wife. She said I talked to Tobi more than her. This was before we signed LeeJaeGon
Tobi: In 2020 season Shanghai actually had a lot of players I wanted to play with. Fleta Lip and such. As well as just giving a better offer out right.
NineK: Void too.
Tobi: Yeah always keeps contact with him too. But I really wanted to run it back with Ryujehong one last time because of the regrets of our last 2 seasons together to redeem ourselves. But he ended up choosing Vancouver and as I ended up wanting to go to Shanghai instead, they ended up already getting LeeJaeGon instead
Aid: Man the timing has just never worked out for Tobi
NineK: When he was on Fusion with me he used to always joke "damn if I was on Shanghai at least I could've been winning while benched"
Moon: So at the time LeeJaeGon and Tobi were my first choices but LJG told me he didn't want to join because he wanted to go to Mayhem with other Runaway members and then Tobi was looking at Seoul so I almost ended up with no one. But eventually LeeJaeGon chose us and tobi reached out the day after that.
NineK: So you regret not getting Tobi?
Moon: I mean you can't argue this given our results...
Tobi: They did so well
NineK: Tobi would've made the team fun for you though. That season was really bad for us but we had a lot of fun
Topic 8: Seoul vs Shanghai KickOff Clash
Aid: It looked like Seoul was happier beating Shanghai in winners finals than beating Philly in finals
Moon: The thing was the situation was so terrible for us at this time. We were quarantined with nothing.
Tobi: This team was the one we wanted to beat more than anyone else. It's why Profit was crying at the end of it all.
Moon: I will say their strats against us were very good they deserved the win regardless of what circumstances we had
Tobi: This gave me PTSD cause there was a moment when we were reverse swept in May Melee where Bdosin got pulsed with Rally. I told Vindsim no matter what to hold your shield up when he has it and in this one moment in the VOD he got stuck by fleta but thankfully Profit clutched
NineK: I will say when we got to the Hawaii LAN Shock picked you guys at Shanghai and I'll just say I didn't want to pick you.
Aid: Ahh it was the eternal rivals (implying Crusty chose Shanghai for revenge)
Moon: This time was really tough for us and we had a bunch of retirements after this. I think we thought more about what we would get to eat the next day or when we would be able to go to a Koreatown for the food we missed
NineK: It was so long
Moon: Honestly it was the hardest times for us.
NineK: It was really tough for us as well lockdown was so long.
Moon: I honestly don't want to hear lockdown complaints from anyone around me. If we were offline and I told you our horror stories everyone here would cry.
NineK: I mean everyone suffered but this sounds like military stories lol. Like everyone thinks they had it the hardest. Anyways Tobi tell us how you did things that led to that win.
Tobi: So you know there are things a lot of us say behind the scenes about coaches right? Like this guy is more of just a caretaker or this guy is more just strategies but I really wanted to be the coach who wouldn't have players feel bad I was their Coach. It's why I asked for a lot of help from previous coaches I worked under. I wanted all of my least favorite aspects of coaches I've seen in the past to not be things my players go through I let them all speak casually to me so they wouldn't be uncomfortable with me
NineK: Moon has the opposite take. He said his players can never act chummy with him and will always refer to him as coach
Tobi: My feelings were that I had previously worked with a lot of these players in the past so it feels okay
(VOD shows Seoul winning Kick off Clash 4-0 over Philly Fusion
NineK: Oh Carpes expression came out (literally half covered in shadows)
Aid: I didn't want to become a useless coach. Every explayer wants to be the opposite of the coaches they hated
Tobi: When I first won I was so happy to finally get a star under the Seoul Dynasty banner for Gen G.
NineK: I thought at the time though "all that for a stage win?"
Aid: We were like Wow they really are happy for a stage win
Moon: Well it was their first win of course they're happy and they beat us to do it
NineK: As coaches we can tell whether they just got lucky or actually were prepared. Poor Carpe though
Topic 9: Q & A
Aid: If you became a coach again and had to form a team which players would you want?
Moon: Wait but isn't the answer for those year very obvious?
Tobi: Yeah just erase Moons name and put me in
NineK: Then mix and match a bit
Tobi: Smurf Stalk3r Lip Chorong seems very good and then Shu
NineK: That's basically Crazy Raccoons. I'll just say this is cause he doesn't watch it
Tobi: I watched all the big games actuall
Moon: If he was really keeping up with the scene wouldn't he have picked Donghak?
Aid: If Gen G or T1 asked you to coach or team up with Ryujehong again for OWCS?
Tobi: I already got an offer to play with them and said no
Aid: Oh really why?
Tobi: Cause I knew what would happen lol. The kids nowadays level of play is so high
NineK: Just for fun I guess
Tobi: Well yeah if I streamed it and stuff sure but the team even with me or without wouldn't have done well
Moon: Honestly the player gap between the experienced old guard and the new is high right now but you'd hope it would get closer by next year
NineK: More than player gaps I'd rather be worried about the coaching level. It's really just Moon Crusty Rush again. Tobi isn't coaching anymore either... so tobi this is to say coach again please.
Tobi: I did get an offer but the timing didn't work out.
Aid: Always the timing
Tobi: Before Falcons formed I think it could've worked but Smurf was gone and all the teams were formed and then I got the call and was a decent offer. But the timing was bad.
Moon: Where the players weren't available anymore. But just swipe them from their teams
Tobi: But I didn't wanna steal players with offers of contracts
Moon: Why not?
NineK: The difference between a dirty person and clean person
Moon: But the thing is they don't have contracts
NineK: Yeah wait they definitely would want money
Moon: That's my point he could've offered stability to more players in the scene
NineK: Then you are at fault Tobi
Tobi: There was a condition though. The org really wanted to win and asked if I could form a team to win.
Moon: Oh that would be hard (smiling in Crazy Raccoons)
NineK & Aid: (dies of laughter at the humble brag)
Moon: I did work really hard to swipe the good players.
NineK: Was it a foreign org?
Tobi: Yeah it was
Moon: I wish more teams came into the space
NineK: If tobi even at least coached Genesis they would've been better
Tobi: I did get that offer but said no
NineK: Didn't want to work for bottom feeder teams?
Tobi: Well I wasn't close with any of the players either
NineK: You shouldve just gone to orga offering up super teams and swiped like Moon did.
Moon: I just had a skeleton crew formed and did mine
NineK: Whatever it was it's just kind of sad Tobi isn't coaching actively right now is all
NineK: I like this question. If Coach Tobi could speak to player Tobi of the past what would you say to them?
Tobi: Probably to be sure of yourself and confident in your play and your decision. I used to basically fly to whoever screamed for help no matter who was in a bad position trying to help. I definitely learned afterwards and worked really hard to improve my Mercy
NineK: I remember at that time Yobi worked really hard to improve his Mercy and it was really good I agree. It's sad to hear given how things went for Seoul but it is a cool answer
Aid: ProFits from friend POV to players POV
Tobi: Profit whether as a friend or player was a great and reliable friend. Fits was the hassle
Aid: How so?
Tobi: Never listening always whining just a big baby. Cute little brother while Profit was a reliable friend
(Just chatting while looking for interesting questions)
Moon: I'm saying this now but Shanghai starting at 0-40 we worked so hard to hit that 40-40 and it took so long. We won so much and still took a while
NineK: A fun thing to ask whenever we have an ex-player is have they ever felt like watching a scrim they would do better?
Tobi: I have scrimmed actually. Vindaim was ill and in the hospital so I played. We won.
Ninek: You say yes to this question if you win the scrims if you lost you would say it didn't happen
Tobi: True
Tobi: Here's one about Seoul I like. Why did you when you had LeeSooMin and Krillin make Krillin a main support? The answer is Krillin said during Washington he got to try a bunch of heroes and LeeSooMin was pretty decent at Kirik at the time. I had worked one year with Vindaim and it was good for us so I hoped for the same to happen. The initial meta was good for us too until we hit the Sombra meta
NineK: I think the only ones happy to hit the Sombra meta was Atlanta
Moon: (struggling to find a good question when smurf comments in chat) Yo Smurf don't you need to go practice right now?
Moon: Sorry that was a joke
NineK: Oh I like that one
Tobi: So there's a question about our 2023 roster and I wanted to talk about it. Right after 2022 going into 2023 was to keep Smurf Profit then get Lip who was receiving some offers at the time keep Vindaim and get Twilight. This would've been my personal choice if I had the money to form my team but everyone ran out of money. I even had back ups for everyone but like Bernar planned but everything fell through
Moon: Do you regret picking up Void?
Tobi: No I don't
NineK: What about losing to former players of yours and stuff?
Moon: Want me to call Void and ask him what it felt like losing to the Fleta Tank?
NineK: Oh my god that sounds so good
Tobi: I think he's working right now
Moon: Oh that's right he would be working right now
NineK: Man I'm so curious. I hate losing to my former players
NineK: Wanted to know if back in OW1 you had a team fully built around you who would it be and would you win?
Tobi: Honestly looking at my history I'm kind of bad at forming teams lol. Honestly I could've been on NYXL in season 1 as well.
NineK: Wow.
Moon: I can say one thing. I've literally walked to his house before. He thought a lot about it. Like I didn't think it should be this hard a decision when I was so convincing.
Tobi: I just really wanted to run it back with Jehong one last time and Fearless wasn't in the planned roster at the time either.
Moon: True it was very early on in the team formation
Tobi: Yeah it's regrettable isn't it?
NineK: Tobi does make bad choices that's why he joined Fusion under me
Tobi: Timing worked for that time period though
NineK: Alright back to the question make your super team only caveat is you can't change them and have to run them seasons 1 through 6
Tobi: To be happily teamed with them Carpe Profit Gesture Fury...
NineK: Wait a second Ryujehong isn't being brought up
Tobi: We are excluding him from this but honestly there's way too many good flex supports so I don't know. Shu was really good but Viol2t is also nah just Shu.
NineK: Shu is fun and good.
Tobi: He's good at like everything. Even since season 2 when I'd play Mercy he would shoot me so much more than everyone else as Ana
NineK: When you went game 5 against MightyAOD any players that stood out to you?
Tobi: Did we go game 5 against MightyAOD? I genuinely can't remember the Lunatic Hai games that well outside of just like finals games anymore. I'm sorry but it's been years.
Moon: Ooh how did you feel about Prophet being on your team and then once he was dropped and went to 02Blast losing to him?
Tobi: He was good but the thing is whatever we put him on just didn't fit with how the team played and the Sombra meta was at its peak as well. We were tired and he was tired cause it just wasn't the best fit for either of us. I wanted him to keep doing well so I could be confident it was just a mismatch and that my scouting ability was still good. But then the meta swapped to like Widow Hanzo.
Moon: Oh wait so once again it's a choice Tobi made he regrets...
Tobi: Well no technically in the last game versus them we did win to be fair. Honestly though when he did win damn I felt low key a little bit upset/betrayed
NineK: Did you see him do the X on the Dynasty symbol spray?
Tobi: I didn't mind that all the players do that
NineK: Hears something funny for Moon to answer. " I heard Lip purposefully made sure not to wear the Fusion skins for Asia Finals is it true"
Moon: I specifically checked his PC to make sure he wasn't wearing it "Are you wearing a Fusion skin or not? Yes or no."
NineK: Wow you check their PCs?
Moon: Yeah I made sure none of them wore Fusion skins for Asia Finals
Tobi: Carpe might need to come on here at this point
Moon: I don't believe in jinxes like this but my players do so I did it just so they don't have to think for a second there is some Fusion curse that will make them lose
Tobi: Like you don't want unnecessary factors creeping into their minds
Moon: Exactly
NineK: Did you have any of those jinxes or lucky charms as a player?
Tobi: During Lunatic Hai I would on game days only eat noodle dishes and then we would win. I'd wear the same pair of socks for all the big games as well. But then I went to the League and kept losing and none of that stuff applied anymore
Moon: Yeah I don't believe in it as a supernatural force but whatever makes people more confident the better
(Randomly scrolling for questions)
Moon: I really did wanna try coaching Dynasty once.
Tobi: Why?
Moon: You know as a Korean it was kind of sad seeing the Korean team under perform I wanted to go there after my contract with Shanghai ended and try to get them a big win
Tobi: I see
Moon: Now that I'm thinking about it I never got an offer from Seoul ever
NineK: Really? I think I got an offer from Seoul basically every year since 2019
Moon: Oh one thing I really wanted to ask was how you beat the Infernal (Dynasty vs Infernal early 2023 when Infernal scrimbux was way better than everyone else)
Tobi: Oh that? They just played poorly.
Moon: I was so curious cause they were supposed to be so good
Tobi: Yeah they must have been nervous or something we didn't win cause we were better they were just worse that day.
NineK: When Tobi first joined Fusion he actually beat Dynasty and was so happy about it. He was such a good player to have he was on the bench for quite a while initially but kept his mental up and was a very good teammate for us.
Final Words
Tobi: I'm not actually retired from coaching. I still keep up with the League and love the game. I hope Overwatch keeps growing and I want everyone to know I'm not gone just yet. If there's a chance I'm ready whenever
NineK: Honestly I will say a lot of Overwatch kids have this issue not just Tobi where they hope opportunity will fall on their laps.
Tobi: I'll agree. It was my first time doing this stuff and I had no idea what the scene was going to be like.
Moon: I was very proactive and quick about it for sure
NineK: Do you have any team you'd like to join? Quickly before we end the podcast appeal to Moon for a job
Tobi: Well if you just give me the call I'm ready
Moon: Well one thing I will note when Tobi was talking about coaches he asked for advice on being a coach he didn't contact me at all? Even though we talked for hours?
Tobi: I only contacted the people I actually worked under. I didn't want to bother everyone with my questions. It's not like I could expect other coaches that don't know me as well would divulge their secrets
Moon: I would've. I think it would have been very cool if you asked for my help
Tobi: Well to be fair before you joined I did say Crusty NineK Moon and Rush were the coaches I really wanted to try working with
NineK: It's not too late Tobi he's here now
Aid: Anyways final thoughts from you Tobi?
Tobi: It's been a while since I got to see fans of Overwatch and sit down with fellow coaches. I hope you all keep supporting Overwatch University and myself in the future.
NineK and Aid: Thank you to Moon as well for helping us last minute.
Moon: It's no problem I saw Tobis face and wanted to join right away.

Me (20) and my now ex-girlfriend (29) were together for a year (I was 19 and she was 28 when we met). We met due to studying the same course at university and we instantly hit it off. The start of our relationship was very intense. It felt perfect. We had an amazing connection, things seemed to flow so naturally, and things therefore moved very quickly. I even visited her home country and met her family after only a month of being together. We spent so much time together and we seemed perfect for each other. As a result, we both became very quickly attached to one another. Despite how perfect things were in the beginning, there were occasional glimpses of our own issues making their way into the relationship. For example, I started noticing small, sudden shifts in her moods and behaviour towards me. She was always so talkative, bubbly, and enthusiastic towards me, but there were a few instances during which she suddenly became more distant and silent, and her behaviour felt different than usual. This confused me, especially considering I didn’t know what the reason was. It left me guessing if there was perhaps a problem between us or if it was just a natural shift in her mood. Sometimes, it was due to her having a problem with me and other times it was just a natural fluctuation in her mood. However, I would always have to guess which one it was and as a result I started to become very aware of her moods and I felt like I had to start paying a lot of attention to the relationship to not accidentally upset or disappoint her in any way. When things were good between us, I rarely felt insecure, but when I suddenly started noticing shifts in her mood or behaviour towards me, I started to feel anxious and insecure.
To further elaborate, at times in the relationship, I found it difficult to read, predict, and understand her moods and her behaviour towards me: her behaviour felt inconsistent to me at times. One day she was super loving, talkative, and interested in me, and the next day it felt different. However, I didn't know if my feelings were justified or if I was simply overthinking and overanalysing her behaviour. Since she didn't tell me what was the matter even when I asked her, I was left confused and still guessing why there were these shifts in her mood.
She did tell me that she found it scary to trust others and, therefore, to be fully open with me. She told me that was why she would push me away sometimes, meaning that my feelings were not completely unjustified. She admitted herself that she could be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She was also older than me and more the independent type, and didn't always need a lot of attention, which is also an explanation for her change in behaviour. However, I didn't know that at the beginning of the relationship.
There were times where it felt like I had to follow an exact script on how to act or what to say to not upset her. She would become upset at times, because she didn’t think I appreciated her or because I didn’t give her the reaction she had in her mind. When I didn't live up to these unspoken expectations, she became more distant and silent (or even slightly pasisve aggressive), like I mentioned before. She wanted me to naturally know what she wanted, since in her mind it was obvious and she didn’t feel like she was a hard person to to read, but it wasn't obvious to me. This didn’t happen too often, but it still had an effect on me.
To give an example of how she could deal with these unspoken expectations, there was an instance when we did grocery shopping together. I paid for it at the time, but she told me to send her a payment request for half of it and when I did so a few days later, I immediately noticed a slight change in her energy towards me. When I questioned her about this, she told me that there was nothing wrong, but when I came round her place later that day. she was extremely cold and unaffectionate towards me. Her reaction was like I had cheated on her. I wasn't allowed to sit or be close to her, she was visibly upset, she wouldn't talk to me, and I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed. I even mentioned if me sending her a payment request was an issue, but she told me that it was fine since she had told me that I could send her one. The next day she was hot and cold towards me, going from acting normally towards me to cold and distant again. Only after I became very upset and questioned her about it again did she tell me that the reason she was acting that way was because she wanted me to offer to pay for the groceries. She had paid for the groceries last time, so she wanted me to pay for them this time (I would have had no problem at all with paying, but since she told me to send her a payment request, I did). She told me that she became upset when I hadn't offered to do so naturally, which caused her to feel like I didn't appreciate or care about her enough. This was the most extreme example from our relationship, though. However, this situation caused me to lose some trust in her and her words.
Her behaviour wasn't intentional. It seemed to be due to a mix of her character and the things she had gone through in her past. It seemed like it was more of a coping/protective mechanism for her. She was aware of this, but her awareness wasn't always enough for her to cope in a different way.
In the cases where I felt like there was a shift in her behaviour, mood, or energy, it left me guessing if there was anything wrong. I had learned to associate a change in her mood as there potentially being something wrong. I was just afraid of there being a problem between us and not knowing about it, like the payment request situation (and other situations).
At times, my insecurities, anxious attachment, and my resulting codependency from this relationship significantly affected her and put a strain on the relationship. For example, there could be absolutely nothing wrong and I would create a problem out of nowhere. I was dependent on her for my happiness and if there was even a slight bit of attention focused on someone else, it would bother me. Sometimes, this would make me overly needy and controlling. This frustrated and triggered her a lot, because she also wanted to give other people attention and felt suffocated by my unreasonable demands. This was also a reoccurring pattern in the relationship.
My fear of there being a problem between us which I might not know about, my fear of not being as important to her as she was to me, and therefore, my fear of losing her became too strong at times, which caused me to become insecure and worried. Especially the times where my insecurity and worry was unjustified affected her a lot. During those times, she felt like I was causing issues for no reason and she felt upset and frustrated that, despite her giving me lots of attention the days before, I would still need reassurance and interpret her behaviour as there being something wrong between us. This made her feel drained, annoyed, suffocated, and upset.
Her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive towards me. I understand her reaction, because her feelings were completely justified, but she chose to respond in those ways to vent her frustration. She would tell me that I was annoying, way too needy, that I should stop overthinking her behaviour, and that I should work on my insecurities. She was correct though. During these moments, I would become very apologetic. I just wanted things to be good between us. There were also times I felt like I was taking responsibility for things I didn't feel responsible for, just to make sure things were okay. She wasn't completely wrong regarding what she was saying to me, but it was harsh. It was absolutely not my intention to cause a problem or to frustrate or annoy her, but because it seemed to affect her enough for her to become so defensive, I thought that my behaviour was unacceptable and blamed myself a lot. I also started feeling like my feelings were completely irrational and therefore I started doubting myself more.
Therefore, at times, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid of bringing up a situation in which I thought there was something wrong between us, because I was afraid of being wrong and her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive. She also felt like she was walking on eggshells at times due to my tendency to overthink her behaviours. She didn’t want to cause a problem either, since even small shifts in her behaviour could worry me.
During the relationship, I could at times become jealous when I was insecure, for example when she spent time with her friends or family without me, either through texting or in real life. This would obviously frustrate her a lot and was one of the most difficult parts of the relationship for her, since she was just spending time with others and didn't see how that could be a cause of insecurity for me. I tended to be rational and calm when I was insecure or jealous, but there were occasional instances where that wasn't the case and I acted in a more passive aggressive or guilt-trippy manner. I am not usually a toxic person, but I did display some toxic behaviours at times during this relationship.
We both had past issues which we projected onto each other at times. The relationship was very intense and that meant there were also many highs and lows. We had a deep affection and care for one another and we both thought the relationship was too good to be true. For me, it felt too good to be true be in a relationship for the first time and to have a romantic experience with someone I cared so much about, because I had never experienced that before. For her, it felt too good to be true that I was so kind and caring to her, because she had never felt that before from anyone else to this extent. She had always felt let down by people before in her life and she couldn’t believe that I wasn't like them. We were both afraid of losing each other. For me, it was expressed by going above and beyond for her, a tendency to be more clingy and have a need for reassurance, wanting to always feel close and connected with her, and things like that. For her, it seemed like she could show a combination of becoming distant and pushing me away, but also becoming very vulnerable at times too and showing me lots of love and affection.
My ex told me a lot about her past trauma and how life had been quite difficult for her the past few years. Her grandmother had passed away a 6 years ago and during that time she lost her group of friends (which included her best friend) after a big conflict in which she felt unfairly treated. It seemed like she had had quite a few friendships in which she didn’t feel like her needs were being met and she tended te feel unfairly treated. It was a reoccurring theme in her life.
Her other grandmother passed away ahalf a year before we met. She didn’t really have many friendships to rely on either at that time, because she studied abroad and her friends and family were obviously not present to support her. She also struggled a lot with academic stress during our time together. She had failed a few exams and fell behind, which compounded her struggles, especially since she was still grieving the loss of her grandmother. Then, her family dog passed away very suddenly 10 months into our relationship. It felt like her dog passing away was the last drop that made the bucket overflow. She loved that dog so much and it really affected her. Her grief was very intense. These incidents played a massive role in her mood shifts, especially considering she is an emotionally sensitive person and her moods already seemed quite easily affected at times.
She wasn’t emotionally stable and her emotional regulation seemed to be lacking at times too, especially considering she was 29. I was 9 years younger than her and in general life situations, I felt like the more stable and mature person for most of the relationship. I didn’t always act that way during our conflicts, though, but in general life it seemed like I was more regulated and rational. I was also the one who tended to take on a more caretaker role in the relationship due to my codependency.
Her emotions could be intense and easily triggered by other people or life stressors. She tended to attribute her behaviour and reactions more on external factors, such as her past experiences or the bad things happening currently in her life. Of course, she did take responsibility too, but often after the fact. Initially, it always felt like the world was against her. She was often the one feeling the most hurt from her past friendships. It was hard to not feel bad for her.
As a result, during the last two months of the relationship (after her family dog passed away), her emotional instability reached its peak. It was like her world fell apart. Her moods were very up and down, and she had depressive episodes during which she broke down crying a lot. During that time, I was pretty much her only emotional support. I took care of her a lot during that period. Things became very draining for me. Towards the end, I had given everything I had for her and had put all of her needs above mine. I felt more like a parent than a boyfriend. During this difficult period, we started triggering each other more frequently. I was often worried about her well-being due to her not taking care of herself very well during this period. I was starting to find it very hard to be supportive since I had become emotionally numb around that point. I had nothing left in me anymore. When I mentioned to her that I felt drained, she would feel upset. She interpreted it as me saying that her emotions was too much and she felt invalidated. Granted, I could have worded it more clearly, but I definitely didn't say it how she interpreted it. Towards the end, my behaviour also became slightly passive aggressive and controlling/possessive at times (I told her once that it bothered me how much she was texting her friends and that I wished she would text them less), and I had made an insensitive comment. I mentioned to her that I had become slightly less attracted to her and that she had gained some weight. I had become a caretaker for her, she wasn’t really taking care of herself, and I felt like this relationship was very draining to be in, and as a result I found myself feeling slightly less attracted to her. This feeling really bothered me, because I didn't want to feel that way. I loved her and wanted to feel 100% attracted to her. I thought it would be best to simply be honest with her. However, I should have worded it differently, because it obviously hurt her a lot. I should have not made it about her attractiveness or weight. I did apologise a lot and tried to reassure her that I did still find her attractive, but the damage was already done. I meant well, but I was very naïve in thinking that bringing that up was not going to have an effect on her. That is a harsh lesson learned from my side. I still feel bad about it.
However, I also felt very unfairly treated by her during that last part of our relationship. I did so much for her during that period relationship, yet she still managed to interpret some of my behaviour as me not caring enough sometimes. She seemed to become upset more frequently about very small matters and at times it seemed like she was nit-picking problems or finding reasons to become upset at me. This resulted in her becoming distant and passive aggressive towards me. That was very frustrating and exhausting to deal with, especially when I was already starting to become emotionally drained. She would say things like “Sorry for existing then” or “I guess I’ll just stop that then” when I felt bothered by something. This was also due time her own struggles and her grief at the time, so I fully understand.
Towards the end, my needs were not getting met. I just wanted to help her through this immensely tough period and it was more important to me that her needs were met than mine. I just wanted to see her happy, because as long as she was happy, I was happy.
Overall, she was generally a very loving, funny, kind woman who obviously cared a lot for me. We created so many amazing memories together and I will never forget her or the relationship. At times, things would be absolutely perfect between us and it felt like a dream. The relationship wasn’t constantly negative. We shared periods of stability and there are many examples of times when we were able to communicate in a loving and healthy manner. We shared a real love and had an amazing connection with one another. We were together for a year so that obviously counts for something.
The relationship became unhealthy for both of us, especially towards the end. There were toxic behaviours from both sides rooted in our own issues. However, there were also periods of stability and calm. It wasn't always a constant rollercoaster. Looking back, I believe we we did share more good memories with each other than bad ones, but in the end the relationship seemed to reach a point beyond repair. She felt very drained by my constant overthinking, and my insecurity and jealousy. She felt like she had to constantly prove herself as a result, which upset her a lot. She already had her own struggles and it seemed like my insecurities became too much for her and that the relationship became too unhealthy and upsetting towards the end. This was my experience so it will undoubtedly be biased in some ways. However, it is still a valid experience and I have tried to acknowledge her side as well.

Hi everyone! I have been signed to a well known agency in the midwest since April of last year. Around February or March, I reached out to both of my agents to request a copy of my contract. It wasn't for any specific reason, but I thought I should really hang onto it. My request was ignored. I have asked again and again (over text because they prefer it) with no response. I have even gotten texts back later about other things I've asked, so it's not that they don't see the texts at all.
Fast forward to the end of April. January 30th and 31st I did a job for a very large company through my agency. I was to be paid approx 400 per day (800 total) with a 20% agency fee. My agency claims that we are to be paid within 90 days. I worked another job with this company on March 6th and 7th. On the 90th day after my first job, April 30, I text my agents. I remind them that it's been a full 90 days and I've gotten nothing from this company. I asked again for my contract, realizing something may actually be sketchy now. They do not respond to any of my texts. A few days later, on May 3rd, a man calls me from our agency's finance department. He tells me that the company I did the jobs for had filed for bankruptcy in March. He said I'd probably not get the money from the March job, but that the company had sent the money for the January job to my agency and that I would get it very soon. He confirmed, in words, that my agency had the money.
It is May 16th. I have since texted my agents asking again for my contract and to have an update on my payment. I called the finance guy this morning with no response and left a voicemail.
When does this become a legal matter?
My biggest concerns are that I literally cannot contact anyone within my agency. No one will respond to me, so how do I even begin to "get out?"

... sorry, I didn't mean to write a book. but it did feel good.
tl;dr wife is unhappy in our marriage and wants to separate; our home and place where our son has grown up isn't where she needs to be for her mental health, but she wants 50% minimum custody. We can work out all the financial aspects, but I'm opposed to uprooting him from his childhood home, school and friends and moving back to from is NOT conducive to my own mental health. Even if I was okay with uprooting him, I'm not okay with only seeing him 4 days a month, which is what she offered if I stay here.
Wife (38F) and I (39M) have been together for 14 years, married for almost 10 (10th anniversary is next month... ugh..). The first five years of our relationship were dreamy.
We did the thing where we tried to decide our entire lives up front. Got married, got pregnant, moved to a new city to be closer to her sister, bought our first house. She was going to try to go to nursing school and the plan was for her to eventually take the reins financially for a while so I could find a more resonant line of work. Had our whole future planned out and it was going to be peachy.
We moved and our house was a total lemon (but of course the inspection report was squeaky clean).. like, foundation crumbling, infestations of termites and fleas, roof failing, finished basement flooding, asbestos inhibiting any repairs, ... it would be easier if I asked you to name a problem and I could tell you if we didn't have it.
At the same time, my job became unbearable, giving me daily panic attacks. Then our son was born, and the birth was horrific. Son ended up in the NICU, she ended up with an unmedicated triple episiotomy, the works. Super traumatizing. My job was only going to give me two weeks of parental leave, which with the intensity of it and everything else going on, wasn't going to work. So I quit to spend those first months at home.
We thought we had a good friend and support network, but as soon as we became "those people" with a kid and responsibilities, a large number of them abandoned us.
It became clear she wouldn't be able to go to nursing school, and I took on the full financial responsibility, and along with a lifetime of good old fashioned American patriarchy brainwashing, I tried to put on the stoic provider hat, dealing with all the house repairs (no prior experience), training myself and making connections to get a new job, and trying to show up as a dad and friend as best I could.
I succeeded at the provider parts of the equation, but failed as a partner. She asked basic things of me ("can you please make one meal a week?" -- I didn't, and don't even remember it). We got the house fixed, and agreed to move to a smaller town an hour outside the big city- great! Everyone from the big city loves this small town, I'm happier because I have access to things that I know are good for my mental health, everything's good right?
Except it wasn't. Apparently, she secretly didn't want to move, but decided to go along with it for my sake. As things stabilized, my mental health improved, and I doubled down on my unfulfilling career as it became clear that she wasn't going to contribute financially and I NEEDED an exit.
Meanwhile, she was feeling isolated, building resentment, and begging for my attention, which I did give to her, but not in the quantity and ways she needed. She still maintained the public image "we're just not city people" even as she spent increasing amounts of time back in the city, finding communities she found more resonant. I was happy to see her finding her own outlets, as they gave me time to invest in my hobbies and decompress from my stressful job.
I finally reached a point where I felt like I could disengage from my unfulfilling career while still feeling financially stable, but by then it was too late. She was feeling traumatized, unfulfilled, isolated, resentful and pretty much done with the relationship. I sensed her slipping away and reacted with my own trauma reactions rooted in my fear of abandonment. I started snooping on her even though she never gave me any reason not to trust her.
We entered couples counseling as it became clear the damage was relationship-threatening, and I think she was pretty much already done by the time we started, but I was panicking and trying desperately to save my marriage and family. I embraced radical empathy, deeply accepted her point of view, which cast me as possessive bordering on emotionally abusive, engaged in self-discovery and self-work, which still continues, made every effort to correct behavior and admit fault, to no avail. Too little, too late for her.
So, here we are. We've still managed to raise a crazy well-adjusted son, with high emotional intelligence. We've built a homestead farm in a stunning geographic location. I feel like I'm now the perfect piece to complete a puzzle that's in flames. I can show up in all the ways she no longer is receptive to. She wants to move back to the city to be near the community that carried her through the rough years, and she wants to take our son with her.
I have faith we can figure out all the financial details. I have no desire to hurt her or prevent her growth. If we didn't have a kid, it would be clear- she'd move back to the city, be close to her sister and our friends, and I'd stay on the farm and build where I've found resonance. But our kiddo (9M) is the sticking point. She agreed (in writing) to hang on for a year at the farm while I get an apartment 20m away to keep him in his school and home and to split parenting duties 50/50. I signed a lease and wired $13k to pay six months rent up front (housing is INSANELY scarce and competitive where we live-- this was the only way to make sure I got it). I triple-checked with her to make sure it was OK. I'm devastated at her deciding to leave and I don't want to leave the farm, but I thought she'd at least be able to maintain continuity with the things she'd be building there.
Then, she comes back to me last night and says she needs to go to the city for her own mental health. WTF!?? I've been RACING to catch up to her in the need to separate, fighting my own urges to beg her to stay, respecting her need for space, bending over to make it easier for her. And we're already $13k in the hole for this apartment that she no longer wants me to move to. She was expecting me to just either say "OK, I'll cancel the lease. You can move to the city and take our son with you, and I'll accept minimal custody," or "I'll move to the city with you guys and uproot myself and our son from what we know and feel as resonant."
I'm trying SO HARD to meet her where she wanted me to be and to be supportive of the separation. I want her to be OK mentally and financially, but holy FUCKING FUCK this is breaking me. I'm a GREAT dad. I can't only see my son FOUR DAYS a month. We have already told him he'll be able to go back to fourth grade. I've already signed a lease and accepted this diminished, shitty version of the life I wanted... and now this. How do I handle this? 😭

Me (20) and my now ex-girlfriend (29) were together for a year (I was 19 and she was 28 when we met). We met due to studying the same course at university and we instantly hit it off. The start of our relationship was very intense. It felt perfect. We had an amazing connection, things seemed to flow so naturally, and things therefore moved very quickly. I even visited her home country and met her family after only a month of being together. We spent so much time together and we seemed perfect for each other. As a result, we both became very quickly attached to one another. Despite how perfect things were in the beginning, there were occasional glimpses of our own issues making their way into the relationship. For example, I started noticing small, sudden shifts in her moods and behaviour towards me. She was always so talkative, bubbly, and enthusiastic towards me, but there were a few instances during which she suddenly became more distant and silent, and her behaviour felt different than usual. This confused me, especially considering I didn’t know what the reason was. It left me guessing if there was perhaps a problem between us or if it was just a natural shift in her mood. Sometimes, it was due to her having a problem with me and other times it was just a natural fluctuation in her mood. However, I would always have to guess which one it was and as a result I started to become very aware of her moods and I felt like I had to start paying a lot of attention to the relationship to not accidentally upset or disappoint her in any way. When things were good between us, I rarely felt insecure, but when I suddenly started noticing shifts in her mood or behaviour towards me, I started to feel anxious and insecure.
To further elaborate, at times in the relationship, I found it difficult to read, predict, and understand her moods and her behaviour towards me: her behaviour felt inconsistent to me at times. One day she was super loving, talkative, and interested in me, and the next day it felt different. However, I didn't know if my feelings were justified or if I was simply overthinking and overanalysing her behaviour. Since she didn't tell me what was the matter even when I asked her, I was left confused and still guessing why there were these shifts in her mood.
She did tell me that she found it scary to trust others and, therefore, to be fully open with me. She told me that was why she would push me away sometimes, meaning that my feelings were not completely unjustified. She admitted herself that she could be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She was also older than me and more the independent type, and didn't always need a lot of attention, which is also an explanation for her change in behaviour. However, I didn't know that at the beginning of the relationship.
There were times where it felt like I had to follow an exact script on how to act or what to say to not upset her. She would become upset at times, because she didn’t think I appreciated her or because I didn’t give her the reaction she had in her mind. When I didn't live up to these unspoken expectations, she became more distant and silent (or even slightly pasisve aggressive), like I mentioned before. She wanted me to naturally know what she wanted, since in her mind it was obvious and she didn’t feel like she was a hard person to to read, but it wasn't obvious to me. This didn’t happen too often, but it still had an effect on me.
To give an example of how she could deal with these unspoken expectations, there was an instance when we did grocery shopping together. I paid for it at the time, but she told me to send her a payment request for half of it and when I did so a few days later, I immediately noticed a slight change in her energy towards me. When I questioned her about this, she told me that there was nothing wrong, but when I came round her place later that day. she was extremely cold and unaffectionate towards me. Her reaction was like I had cheated on her. I wasn't allowed to sit or be close to her, she was visibly upset, she wouldn't talk to me, and I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed. I even mentioned if me sending her a payment request was an issue, but she told me that it was fine since she had told me that I could send her one. The next day she was hot and cold towards me, going from acting normally towards me to cold and distant again. Only after I became very upset and questioned her about it again did she tell me that the reason she was acting that way was because she wanted me to offer to pay for the groceries. She had paid for the groceries last time, so she wanted me to pay for them this time (I would have had no problem at all with paying, but since she told me to send her a payment request, I did). She told me that she became upset when I hadn't offered to do so naturally, which caused her to feel like I didn't appreciate or care about her enough. This was the most extreme example from our relationship, though. However, this situation caused me to lose some trust in her and her words.
Her behaviour wasn't intentional. It seemed to be due to a mix of her character and the things she had gone through in her past. It seemed like it was more of a coping/protective mechanism for her. She was aware of this, but her awareness wasn't always enough for her to cope in a different way.
In the cases where I felt like there was a shift in her behaviour, mood, or energy, it left me guessing if there was anything wrong. I had learned to associate a change in her mood as there potentially being something wrong. I was just afraid of there being a problem between us and not knowing about it, like the payment request situation (and other situations).
At times, my insecurities, anxious attachment, and my resulting codependency from this relationship significantly affected her and put a strain on the relationship. For example, there could be absolutely nothing wrong and I would create a problem out of nowhere. I was dependent on her for my happiness and if there was even a slight bit of attention focused on someone else, it would bother me. Sometimes, this would make me overly needy and controlling. This frustrated and triggered her a lot, because she also wanted to give other people attention and felt suffocated by my unreasonable demands. This was also a reoccurring pattern in the relationship.
My fear of there being a problem between us which I might not know about, my fear of not being as important to her as she was to me, and therefore, my fear of losing her became too strong at times, which caused me to become insecure and worried. Especially the times where my insecurity and worry was unjustified affected her a lot. During those times, she felt like I was causing issues for no reason and she felt upset and frustrated that, despite her giving me lots of attention the days before, I would still need reassurance and interpret her behaviour as there being something wrong between us. This made her feel drained, annoyed, suffocated, and upset.
Her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive towards me. I understand her reaction, because her feelings were completely justified, but she chose to respond in those ways to vent her frustration. She would tell me that I was annoying, way too needy, that I should stop overthinking her behaviour, and that I should work on my insecurities. She was correct though. During these moments, I would become very apologetic. I just wanted things to be good between us. There were also times I felt like I was taking responsibility for things I didn't feel responsible for, just to make sure things were okay. She wasn't completely wrong regarding what she was saying to me, but it was harsh. It was absolutely not my intention to cause a problem or to frustrate or annoy her, but because it seemed to affect her enough for her to become so defensive, I thought that my behaviour was unacceptable and blamed myself a lot. I also started feeling like my feelings were completely irrational and therefore I started doubting myself more.
Therefore, at times, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid of bringing up a situation in which I thought there was something wrong between us, because I was afraid of being wrong and her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive. She also felt like she was walking on eggshells at times due to my tendency to overthink her behaviours. She didn’t want to cause a problem either, since even small shifts in her behaviour could worry me.
During the relationship, I could at times become jealous when I was insecure, for example when she spent time with her friends or family without me, either through texting or in real life. This would obviously frustrate her a lot and was one of the most difficult parts of the relationship for her, since she was just spending time with others and didn't see how that could be a cause of insecurity for me. I tended to be rational and calm when I was insecure or jealous, but there were occasional instances where that wasn't the case and I acted in a more passive aggressive or guilt-trippy manner. I am not usually a toxic person, but I did display some toxic behaviours at times during this relationship.
We both had past issues which we projected onto each other at times. The relationship was very intense and that meant there were also many highs and lows. We had a deep affection and care for one another and we both thought the relationship was too good to be true. For me, it felt too good to be true be in a relationship for the first time and to have a romantic experience with someone I cared so much about, because I had never experienced that before. For her, it felt too good to be true that I was so kind and caring to her, because she had never felt that before from anyone else to this extent. She had always felt let down by people before in her life and she couldn’t believe that I wasn't like them. We were both afraid of losing each other. For me, it was expressed by going above and beyond for her, a tendency to be more clingy and have a need for reassurance, wanting to always feel close and connected with her, and things like that. For her, it seemed like she could show a combination of becoming distant and pushing me away, but also becoming very vulnerable at times too and showing me lots of love and affection.
My ex told me a lot about her past trauma and how life had been quite difficult for her the past few years. Her grandmother had passed away a 6 years ago and during that time she lost her group of friends (which included her best friend) after a big conflict in which she felt unfairly treated. It seemed like she had had quite a few friendships in which she didn’t feel like her needs were being met and she tended te feel unfairly treated. It was a reoccurring theme in her life.
Her other grandmother passed away ahalf a year before we met. She didn’t really have many friendships to rely on either at that time, because she studied abroad and her friends and family were obviously not present to support her. She also struggled a lot with academic stress during our time together. She had failed a few exams and fell behind, which compounded her struggles, especially since she was still grieving the loss of her grandmother. Then, her family dog passed away very suddenly 10 months into our relationship. It felt like her dog passing away was the last drop that made the bucket overflow. She loved that dog so much and it really affected her. Her grief was very intense. These incidents played a massive role in her mood shifts, especially considering she is an emotionally sensitive person and her moods already seemed quite easily affected at times.
She wasn’t emotionally stable and her emotional regulation seemed to be lacking at times too, especially considering she was 29. I was 9 years younger than her and in general life situations, I felt like the more stable and mature person for most of the relationship. I didn’t always act that way during our conflicts, though, but in general life it seemed like I was more regulated and rational. I was also the one who tended to take on a more caretaker role in the relationship due to my codependency.
Her emotions could be intense and easily triggered by other people or life stressors. She tended to attribute her behaviour and reactions more on external factors, such as her past experiences or the bad things happening currently in her life. Of course, she did take responsibility too, but often after the fact. Initially, it always felt like the world was against her. She was often the one feeling the most hurt from her past friendships. It was hard to not feel bad for her.
As a result, during the last two months of the relationship (after her family dog passed away), her emotional instability reached its peak. It was like her world fell apart. Her moods were very up and down, and she had depressive episodes during which she broke down crying a lot. During that time, I was pretty much her only emotional support. I took care of her a lot during that period. Things became very draining for me. Towards the end, I had given everything I had for her and had put all of her needs above mine. I felt more like a parent than a boyfriend. During this difficult period, we started triggering each other more frequently. I was often worried about her well-being due to her not taking care of herself very well during this period. I was starting to find it very hard to be supportive since I had become emotionally numb around that point. I had nothing left in me anymore. When I mentioned to her that I felt drained, she would feel upset. She interpreted it as me saying that her emotions was too much and she felt invalidated. Granted, I could have worded it more clearly, but I definitely didn't say it how she interpreted it. Towards the end, my behaviour also became slightly passive aggressive and controlling/possessive at times (I told her once that it bothered me how much she was texting her friends and that I wished she would text them less), and I had made an insensitive comment. I mentioned to her that I had become slightly less attracted to her and that she had gained some weight. I had become a caretaker for her, she wasn’t really taking care of herself, and I felt like this relationship was very draining to be in, and as a result I found myself feeling slightly less attracted to her. This feeling really bothered me, because I didn't want to feel that way. I loved her and wanted to feel 100% attracted to her. I thought it would be best to simply be honest with her. However, I should have worded it differently, because it obviously hurt her a lot. I should have not made it about her attractiveness or weight. I did apologise a lot and tried to reassure her that I did still find her attractive, but the damage was already done. I meant well, but I was very naïve in thinking that bringing that up was not going to have an effect on her. That is a harsh lesson learned from my side. I still feel bad about it.
However, I also felt very unfairly treated by her during that last part of our relationship. I did so much for her during that period relationship, yet she still managed to interpret some of my behaviour as me not caring enough sometimes. She seemed to become upset more frequently about very small matters and at times it seemed like she was nit-picking problems or finding reasons to become upset at me. This resulted in her becoming distant and passive aggressive towards me. That was very frustrating and exhausting to deal with, especially when I was already starting to become emotionally drained. She would say things like “Sorry for existing then” or “I guess I’ll just stop that then” when I felt bothered by something. This was also due time her own struggles and her grief at the time, so I fully understand.
Towards the end, my needs were not getting met. I just wanted to help her through this immensely tough period and it was more important to me that her needs were met than mine. I just wanted to see her happy, because as long as she was happy, I was happy.
Overall, she was generally a very loving, funny, kind woman who obviously cared a lot for me. We created so many amazing memories together and I will never forget her or the relationship. At times, things would be absolutely perfect between us and it felt like a dream. The relationship wasn’t constantly negative. We shared periods of stability and there are many examples of times when we were able to communicate in a loving and healthy manner. We shared a real love and had an amazing connection with one another. We were together for a year so that obviously counts for something.
The relationship became unhealthy for both of us, especially towards the end. There were toxic behaviours from both sides rooted in our own issues. However, there were also periods of stability and calm. It wasn't always a constant rollercoaster. Looking back, I believe we we did share more good memories with each other than bad ones, but in the end the relationship seemed to reach a point beyond repair. She felt very drained by my constant overthinking, and my insecurity and jealousy. She felt like she had to constantly prove herself as a result, which upset her a lot. She already had her own struggles and it seemed like my insecurities became too much for her and that the relationship became too unhealthy and upsetting towards the end. This was my experience so it will undoubtedly be biased in some ways. However, it is still a valid experience and I have tried to acknowledge her side as well.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just wanted to write out what I'd been feeling and put it somewhere. I'm using a burner account, and no real names, I just needed to vent this somewhere
I dated my ex (I won't bother with names) for 4 years, and broke things off last summer. Like all relationships it was complicated, but now - nine months later - I still have no idea if I did the right thing, and am left feeling rudderless and adrift.
I'm 41, she's 32 - we met online four-ish years ago, immediately hit it off and started seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We started dating in Jan 2020 ... two months later, covid hit, and our entire state was essentially locked down. We went from dating to basically living together after two months - which, at the time, was great with me .. we were in love, and things seemed great. My parents split up when I was 19. In my 20's and early 30's, I'd made some bad choices with romantic partners - and chased after people who were emotionally unavailable, fundamentally. It took many years of therapy and introspection, but I had been actively making and effort to only date people I saw a real future with.
She (at 28) had never really dated anyone before. She explained she had some very severe trauma as a child, and coupled with abusive parents, she had never put herself out there really, and had focused on work, and fitness, and school. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was a child, and she knew about it (from a very young age). I heard all this, and tried to be as empathic and understanding and reassuring as I could -> after all, it wasn't anything she had done, and I thought she was a badass for overcoming that kind of abuse. We hit it off straight away, and seemed to have tons in common, and those first few months together were incredible. She still lived at home, with her parents - and for the duration of our relationship never moved out, or found her own space.
Things started to get strange when one day, I liked a female friend's post on Instagram ... this was someone I'd known for 5-6 years, and I was friends with long before I knew my gf. In retrospect, my friend's post was a bit thirsty .. your classic "I'm powerful, self possessed" look-at-me photos that showed a bit too much skin - and I should have just kept browsing, but I tapped 'like' (one of probably 20 posts I liked that day from all kinds of different friend) and moved on.
A few hours later, my gf called me, furious, and accused me of using her 'as a place holder' because - in her mind - I obviously REALLY wanted to be with this other friend of mine, and was using her. This came completely out of left field to me, and we had a 2-hour phone argument where I apologized, told her I'd remove the 'like', whatever she wanted. She kept circling back again and again that it was "totally normal" to go through a partners friend list / liked posts because "anyone can see them, they're public". We went back and forth, I was frantic and after we got off the phone, I went through my Instagram and basically purged any attractive female friend I had, and removed any likes I had to any post that might be weird or suspect. From them on I rarely used social media at all - but every few months my ex would find a new friend on my social media she didn't like, or suspected - even after I stopped interacting with social media at all.
This same sort of low-level suspicion persisted throughout our relationship. If I was looking at my phone, she wanted to know what I was reading, who I was talking to, etc. I have never cheated on a partner in my life, in fact I had been cheated on twice - so the sort of dull, constant suspicion really upset me - and after a while it almost felt like she was trying to manifest / discover some kind of secret infidelity. The tragic part is that we got along great otherwise, she loved my (male) friends, loved my family, and we had a relaxed and loving relationship besides occasional flare ups. But the suspicion never went away, or changed - and this sort of underlying insecurity was a constant background white noise of our relationship. She especially took a disliking to my roommates girlfriend, and made it a point to always talk about how much she disliked her, how they weren't going to last - etc (I can't say I blame her, the girl in question was not awesome .. but I never understood why his g/f should have such an outsized effect on our relationship). Despite all this, I thought she was an a kind, empathic, intelligent woman - and I saw a life with her, I saw starting a family with her - as real possiblities.
She grew very attached to my family, which also started to make me wonder what was going on. Many times, first thing in the morning, before coffee or anything else, she'd ask me "how's your mom? how's your dad?" - and would always want to know if she was 'still their favorite'. The first few times I thought it was charming - but it kept going on, to the point I had to push back and ask her "hey, please stop asking me first thing in the morning about the status of my family" ... for reference, I lived on the opposite side of the country from them, and would only get to see them for the holidays (which she was always invited to). I had a very challenging period of my life with my family, from 15-30 my family was fractured, my parents split up, it was messy ... but through years of effort, and time and patience forgiveness, I had built strong, loving relationships with both my parents individually, and my siblings besides. I sometimes got the sense that she even loved my family more than me, and that I was - weirdly - almost an obstacle between her and them. I told her as much, that sometimes I almost was jealous of how much she loved them, and wished that she could point that in my direction sometimes - knowing that they would be part of the package. She never did that same work with her own family - who were deeply dysfunctional, combative and sometimes outright hostile to one another. As crazy as it sounds, I often felt like she was almost trying to reap the rewards of the many years of hard work I had done - without an appreciation for how hard it had been to build new, adult relationships with my parents.
After a year and a half she found a new job, in a new industry, at a high profile company - and for the first six months she was there, she seemed to be able to manage the stress. I asked her if she wanted to maybe find a place together, to move in together for real ... but she kind of brushed it off. I would ask her again every few months, and would be met with the same sort of half-maybe-sorta-we'll-see ...
She suffered a major concussion two years into our relationship, which is when things really started to change. She never went to therapy, or saw a doctor to get treated ... and as the months went by, she became obsessed, almost addicted, to her job. It was all-consuming for her, and occupied all her thought and effort and time ... our relationship became an afterthought, and would mostly be relegated to her staying over (because my apt was closer to her office than her parent's house) - then me cooking her breakfast and seeing her off in the morning - and getting take out when she got back at night. She became more and more locked into her job, and our relationship became more and more platonic and less and less romantic / sexual... which is not uncommon when people are stressed out, or exhausted - but we couldn't seem to find time or space to fix what was happening. We talked, and communicated - but her reaction to stress was to go inside herself, and cut the world off -> and my stress reaction has often been the same.
We grew more and more distant over the next year, I also got a new job that ate up a ton of my time, so we would only see each other for an hour or two in the evenings, or on the weekends when we were up for it. I have a habit of pushing the people I care about away when I am not doing well emotionally .. it's the biggest recurring issue I've had in my life. I've been to therapy for it, and have ways to manage stress including meditation, exercise and a healthy diet - all of which allow me to function. But as the months went by, I got more and more stressed out as we became more distant - and I started to fall apart, and started to feel more and more alone and isolated. I'm sure I could have been better, or more attentive, or more patient ... and I in no way want to trying to pin any blame on her. After all, I'm just 1/2 of the relationship, and 1/2 of the story. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I had to go out of town for a week for my job - to deal with a long and stressful convention ... and when I came back, we didn't see each other for another week.
I wanted her to come see me, but couldn't come out and say it ... I wanted her to intuit my needs, which she OF COURSE was not able to do. She wanted me to tell her I desperately wanted to see her, which she couldn't articulate because she wanted ME to intuit her needs ... and round and round it went. Lack of communication.
We did see each other eventually, what started as a small disagreement blew up. It started after my ex starting talking about my roommate's girlfriend, or she said something nasty about her. I was upset because we hadn't seen each other in weeks, why would this girl be the first thing on her mind? What about us? I totally overreacted and pushed her away - it was a long and stupid argument, where we both ended up dredging up things from months and years before .. we broke up, she left. In my self-righteous indignation, I felt justified in the moment ... but as the hours passed, and days passed, I was miserable and knew I had made a horrible mistake. My friends at the time told me I'd done the right thing, and that we had long standing issues that I had been mentioning throughout our relationship ... she liked her well enough, but wanted me to be happy, and told me that I had, ultimately, done what I thought was right at the time - and not to doubt myself. But I did, I got fully stuck in my head about it - and was desperate (yes, the D word) to try again.
Over the next few weeks she totally ignored me, wouldn't respond to my calls, or messages. I didn't expect her to - but I practically begged her to give it another chance with me. But she had totally shut down, and in her (later) words "she was never going to speak to me again." She did, eventually, after a few weeks, respond to me. We talked, I apologized, tried to explain that she was the world to me, and I knew I had made a massive mistake, and desperately wanted a chance to try again - to make things right.
She agreed, eventually. We met up for dinner, and slowly talked things out - I was still honestly pretty upset, but we kept seeing each other, started making it a point to go on dates, to get to know each other again. She believed I had cheated on her, that I had met another woman and that this had all been a pretext ... I caught her going through my phone after I got out of the shower. There was nothing to find, but I couldn't believe that she still, after years together, suspected I had been unfaithful to her. But that was just a bump in the road, we talked it out. Things seemed to be getting better. We shared an amazing thanksgiving together, and I genuinely felt like we had turned a corner and were as close as we had ever been ... so did she.
The next Monday, at work, she got another concussion - worse than the first. From this point on, her entire personality shifted ... Which I have learned, in the months that followed, is just something that can happen with head trauma. She didn't want to spend time together nearly as much, she fully retreated into herself, and her family. She wouldn't come visit at all anymore - even if I was willing to pick her up / drop her off ... she would only agree to meet for platonic dinners at a halfway point between our houses. She started seeing a doctor, a neurologist, doing PT work ... but she just kept seeming to get further and further away. If I invited her over, she was always want to know if my roomate's g/f "might" be there, or if we'd be alone ... and if there was even a chance this girl would be there (even though we could spend time in my room, or in the common living room without interference) - my ex would just stay home.
Six or seven months of this went by ... we kept sort of drifting apart, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to communicate, or bridge the divide between us (which, to be honest, it felt like I was doing 3/4 of the work to keep this thing going) - we just kept drifting. After her second concussion, we stopped being intimate all together ... she was still convinced I had been with other women while we were apart, and demanded I get tested for STDs for her to trust me again. I let my pride get in the way, and should just have done it - but I had not been with or dated anyone else in the few weeks we were apart, and I couldn't get over that she still wouldn't trust me at my word.. after almost 4 years together, I still had to prove myself.
But I didn't, I was stubborn and dug my heels in - so our last potential shot at intimacy evaporated. We became basically platonic buddies ... we still loved each other, said we loved on another every day - but I always felt like I was chasing her, hoping for some kind of emotional connection or breakthrough or common ground that never manifested. By the time July rolled around, I was a total mess ... I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the person I knew and loved had drifted off, and there wasn't a way to get her back. For two months I said that I was really struggling, I was feeling really disconnected and that I missed her all the time - that I wanted to get back to baseline but didn't know how, and that I wanted her help or guidance. She said she felt like she was gradually getting back to where she started, but had no clear picture of how long that might take, and couldn't give me any kind of definitive answer if things would get better again - or how things might get better again.
It never happened. With another month-long work event looming on the horizon, and my stress levels climbing and climbing, I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Eventually, after one of our platonic dates, I had a full on breakdown, and tearfully told her how isolated I was feeling, how I felt like I'd lost her, and how I felt totally clueless how to fix things. She had no ideas to offer, no guidance on how to navigate any of this, and no suggestions how to get back to some kind of baseline. It all poured out from both sides ... she didn't feel like she could trust me ever since we'd got back together, I felt like she neve really let me back in. But we both agreed that that one thanksgiving had been amazing ... and we wished we could find a way back to that place - but had no idea how.
I told her I needed a month, or two, I needed to start seeing a therapist, I needed to put myself back together because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her I wished that we could take a breathe - and come back on more solid footing because I had fucked up when I broke things off before. I had come back from a place of sadness and desperation - and had not given either of us a chance to heal before trying to undo the damage I'd caused. I wanted to meet her on even footing, from a place of mutual strength and try again ...
To her, this was just me breaking up with her again.. which I tried to say "no, I don't want to lose you, but I'm fucked up and need to just right the ship a bit in my life because I am totally losing it ..." But, sometimes it doesn't matter. To her, I was leaving her again, giving up. I had no idea if she'd speak to me again, but I felt so broken I didn't know what else to do.
I took two months, without contact, and started seeing a therapist, started exercising again, got through my hell-month at work. I tried reaching out again to her, multiple times after that ... but I never heard back. A few months went by - I missed her more and more, I didn't heal or get better, I didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. My friends told me I had, my family was supportive - my friends especially have told me time and time again that ultimately, I did the right thing, that I did what was right 'for me' ... but to me, the reassurance didn't matter. There was a giant, gaping hole in my life that I had no idea what to do with. This was a woman I had wanted to marry, that I had wanted to life with, to build and share a life with -> and at one point, I know she wanted the same. I felt so terrible, and couldn't handle the memories of the place I was in, that I resigned from my job (which was ok, it was a horrible grind, that while it paid ok, didn't have any kind of upward mobility) .. and after a lot of thought, I moved back across the country because it was too painful for me to be in that place, surrounded by the memories - living with the ghosts. My friend group had been slowly dispersing, getting new jobs in new cities, having kids and getting on with life - and I didn't see a reason to stay anymore. I debated reaching out to my ex to let her know I was moving - but it had been months without a word, she had not responded to any of my attempts to talk to her, to meet her even for coffee, or to return the few things of hers I still had - and I knew that if I did reach out - it would ultimately be a selfish act, hoping that somehow she might say 'oh no, he's leaving for good' ... so I didn't. I'm still not sure if she knows I left.
I've been saying with family, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I'm taking classes, and plan on switching careers into a new field that I may actually am passionate about. I'll find my own place again in a month or two, but truth is I missed my family dearly, and have been helping both my aging parents with years of neglected repairs and yard work - and seeing my siblings and their families again after a decade of living on the opposite coast and getting to see them 'maybe' once a year around the holidays. Plus after paying insane rent to random landlords for over a decade, its been nice to have a few months of feeling grounded, and to put work into where I'm living. My family has been thrilled, and glad to have me around again.
But it's made no difference, really. I still think of her every day. Some days are easier than others, and I can manage to stay focused on classes and work and fitness - but in so many ways my life feels totally hollow now. I'm stuck wondering if I completely fucked up a good thing, and wasted what might have been my last shot at starting a family of my own, of having a real partner. I'm 41, realistically my chances get slimmer by the year. Or maybe I did totally the right thing, and I got out of a degenerating situation that had been nagging at me for months and months that something was deeply wrong. Or maybe it was somewhere in between those two poles. There's no way to know, and I'm limited to my own side, and my own perspective - and trapped in that middle ground of wondering how things "MIGHT" have gone had X Y or Z happened differently. I wish I had some kind of clarity, or certainty, but I don't.
I guess things are getting a bit easier, as the days and weeks and months go by - but its only by fractions of a degree. I miss her, or maybe just miss the person she used to be, if that person still exists. Head trauma is ... complicated - because the person looks the same, sounds the same ... but the person you knew, the person you fell in love with, isn't really the same person anymore. Its almost like, mourning the death of someone who is still alive, if that makes sense.
So here I am, taking it one day at a time, hoping for some brighter tomorrow, some slow healing or revelation or clarity that I did the right thing - but all I have are doubts. There's no closure to be found because all I ever got was silence. I've done everything people have recommended - focused on myself, focused on health and fitness, focus on learning new skills, on meeting new people, gone on dates, focused on family, focused on growing -> but it hasn't helped the giant, gaping hole in my life, and the never-ending uncertainty.
I expect no sympathy, or empathy ... and knowing reddit, I'll get a lot of people piling on to tell me what a piece of shit I am, lol'ing at how I fucked up my own life, and telling me she's better off without me. But then again sometimes even Reddit can surprise you with the insightful and thoughtful responses. More than anything, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, anywhere - to get it out of my head and my heart. Because the more it stews, the worse I feel. Thanks for reading, if you managed to make it this far.. its a long, messy, meandering story without any real ending. Will I hear from her again? Probably not. Will I get over her? Eventually I'm sure ... but what happens between now and then is anyone's guess. What ever it is, it'll happen on day, one moment at a time.
tldr; sometimes things just end - without someone cheating, or abusing the other person, or any real good way to sum it up. Life and relationships are long, complicated, nuanced and messy. Take care all, appreciate what you have while you have it, take it one day at a time

I had DI w/ free Nip Grafts at Reformkliniken in Malmö on 18th April! Dr Tuve was my surgeon. I wanted to leave a review here since a few things happened that I wasn't prepared for and maybe this'll help anyone else!
I am from the UK and decided to have surgery privately with Dr Tuve as it was much cheaper than the UK. The cost of the surgery was 65000 SEK which is about £4800.
I flew from Manchester to Copenhagen, and then took a train to Malmö. It wasn't that expensive and very easy to figure out directions in person.
I went for 2 weeks and 4 days so I could go to in person appointments before and after the surgery. I'm also autistic and felt I needed the extra time to ground myself in a new country. I stayed at the Scandic St Jörgen hotel which was only a 5 minute walk from the clinic. Hotels are quite pricey and it has it's pros and cons. Pros - close to clinic, hotel cleaners, free wifi, close to food shops and restaurants, easy to get to train/transport. Cons - more expensive than airbnb, no fridge so had to have takeout a lot, they did a laundry service but it was VERY expensive.
In the end I do think the hotel was right for me and my needs, but I know many others are not as privileged to be able to stay that long in a hotel.
I had my pre op appointment on the 16th, which I was dreading but it went a lot better than I thought it would. Dr Tuve asked me a lot of questions about my gender, how long I've wanted top surgery, is my family accepting, etc. He then examined my chest and asked what kind of results I'd like. He let me get changed before he stepped in which I was grateful for. They asked if I had picked up my prescription (meds needed before surgery), however I hadn't had any notification about this prescription at all. They were very quick to give me a new one, which I collected the next day.
The 18th was surgery day, and I was told to arrive at the clinic at 7am. My partner walked me there, and we said goodbye outside the clinic doors. I had to fill in some paperwork, have an anti bacterial shower, and pee before surgery. I was really nervous for the anesthetic and going under, plus the IV, but it was a lot better than I thought it'd be! The nurse who did my IV was very kind and did it quickly, and it wasn't painful at all. I was called into surgery at around 8:20am. I had to lay on the surgical table, which was honestly the scariest part. The anesthetic took a few minutes and then it all kinda hit and once. It felt like a very deep long nap. I was out of surgery and awake by 12:20pm.
I was very sleepy for a few hours and apparently I sent a lot of videos of me to my partner but I don't remember taking them! They are funny to watch back! I was feeling quite nauseous so out of the food options I had some granola and apple juice. I was offered a sandwich too but that was too much for me. I kept falling in and out of sleep for a bit. The nurse was encouraging me to try go to the toilet, but I was really nauseous. I did end up being sick a lot, it was whenever I sat up. We ended up wheeling me in a wheelchair to the toilet to try pee (which was a success!). I was given some anti nausea meds. Before I left the clinic, the nurse took off my post op binder, nips dressings, and large dressing, and I felt a lot better. I got to see my chest for the first time (my nips were still covered by gauze). It looked really good for the first day! The nurse showed me how to wrap the binder myself and what to do with the nip dressings. He then wrapped me back up, but I immediately threw up which he realised was from the pressure of the large dressing. He decided to take off the large dressing so I was just wrapped with the nip dressings and binder. He only allowed this because I wasn't that swollen!
I left the clinic at 7pm, and my partner picked me up. I was able to walk easily, just sore on top, and I was on a lot of painkillers so it wasn't that bad.
The instructions from my dr was to have a shower daily, antibiotics twice a day, pain meds twice a day, more pain meds can be taken if needed (I did for the first few days). My partner helped me shower the first 3 days as I couldn't really reach anything, but after that I was slowly more independent. We had a shower head we could take off the wall which was very handy and made it a lot easier. I had to sleep on my back, which is quite painful since I had a curved spine, but I found ways to cope with it (pillow under lumbar region, pillow under feet for elevation). I brought a travel pillow and a mastectomy pillow with me. I honestly didn't use the mastectomy pillow for what it was made for, as it hurt to put my arms in the side holes. I used it more to stop myself rolling to the side. The travel pillow is a must. It helped stop a lot of neck pain, and I could fall asleep a lot easier laying on my back with my head surrounded by the travel pillow.
Unfortunately I got really ill on my 4th day post op. I track my periods, and knew one was coming up, so I was already expecting pain the week before (normal for me). This pain was a 10/10, I couldn't move and threw up a lot. We called the clinic and apparently it is normal for surgery to affect periods and cycles. I wasn't expecting anything quite this intense, so I thought I'd leave this in here in case anyone else experiences it! No-one else that I knew that was having top surgery experienced this, but I know I have a lot more intense symptoms of periods normally so this may have contributed to it. Luckily this only lasted 1 day.
The rest of the week was a lot better, and I managed to eat a lot more and do a few more things. I went on daily walks as advised by Dr Tuve, but nothing too far.
On my 9th day post op I had a random allergic reaction. My body really went through it! My face was swollen and red, and I had hives all over my body. We had no idea where it had come from since I was just doing the same stuff as normal, however I am almost certain it is linked to my autism/stress levels (I have had random intense illness related stuff flare up from overstimulation and stress a few times). I was given some antihistamines and they worked slowly over a few days.
On my 12th day I had my post op appointment where a nurse removed the gauze from my nips and any visible stitching from them. I was super nervous going to this appointment as my nips smelt really bad and I was worried they were infected. Luckily all was good ! Apparently I had a small hematoma, but it didn't have fluid so no need to drain. I was instructed to wash my nips 2-3 times a day, have my daily shower as per usual, and change the tape on my insicions once a week. I also had a small bandage gauze I taped to my nips which I had to do til they were dry. My nips were dry by 2 days after this appointment, but I used the small bandages for about a week as I was nervous of the binder causing irritation on my nips. I also had to keep wearing the binder, which I have to do til 4-6 weeks after surgery (depending on how swollen I am).
I flew back home on 2nd May, and it was all good health wise.
Since then, recovery has been good! I'm very happy with my chest. My insicions look super thin and the nips look great too.
Overall, my experience with Dr Tuve and his team was great! Here are my main pros and cons:
Pros - Cheaper and high quality results! - Very lovely nurses and Dr. I felt I was in good hands. - They are happy to answer any questions, post op and pre op. - The clinic is very nice. Felt like I was in a hotel! - You do not need to be on T or have a gender dysphoria diagnosis. These things can help the process, but are absolutely not necessary.
Cons - Most documents were in Swedish and I had to translate them using Google Translate. You can call up the clinic to ask questions, but I am not good with phone calls! - The documents/help sheets aren't super clear on post op care, it is mostly for pre op information - Sometimes a lack of communication, such as with the lost prescription.
I hope this helps anyone!

Two months ago, I lost a job I had been very happy with for the better part of 3 years due to not acting soon enough to prevent the narcissist from destroying my reputation. I was the (only) administrator and customer service rep for a small company that produced a very specialized product. Having come from supervising a department in a large corporation for 13 years prior to this (and laid off during Covid), the new small office atmosphere was a breath of fresh air for me at the time. Everyone was friendly, collaborative, and willing to help - including the CEO, who I had a great relationship with. The manager that hired me eventually left to do his own thing and someone else was hired. It took some getting used to, but my new manager turned out to be awesome and we worked really well together. He also left to do his own thing after about a year, which meant that there was about a 3 month stretch where there was no true "manger," meaning I had to essentially run the production department by myself while we found someone new.
In walks the Narcissist. On day three of his reign, I walked in, greeted him, and sat down at my desk to start my day. Instead of greeting me back, he said "I didn't know I was your boss, too." I said well yes, I report to you because you have access to my time card, but I answer to everyone here. My job is to do what needs to be done to keep daily operations running smoothly." He then told me that he was disappointed that I didn't wish him a happy bosses day (which happened to be that day). I laughed it off, thinking he was joking. He wasn't. The next week, I had to leave early one day for a doctor's appointment. While I was gone, he answered an email from one of our vendors FROM MY ACCOUNT, basically chewing them out for something and adding, "I am You_Minivan's boss..." I didn't even know how to react when I saw he had done that. This made it clear to me that he had a complete lack of boundaries. He would also constantly sit in my very small office for long periods of time while I was trying to work and voice-text people. Even the CEO joked that it was weird to always find him in my office and not his own.
The company had recently acquired and absorbed another company, so a project came up where we needed to transition our customers to a new website. Being that I was the admin for all of our websites and had experience doing a very similar project before he got there, I thought he would allow me to take the lead in this transition. Instead, he completely took over and refused to acknowledge that I had any useful information that could help with the process. At one point, I mentioned that one specific application had created a lot of issues during the last transition, and I knew how to handle it as I was the only one with experience since I used the application every day. He said, "I've never heard of that application, so I'm sure it doesn't matter." It did matter. It put us months behind, and we ended up losing a lot of money and customers because he refused to believe I knew what I was talking about. The customer backlash affected only me directly, being that I was the first point of contact. The CEO was furious, but of course, I'm the one who was blamed because "I should have told the narc this would happen."
On another occasion, I needed him to communicate with the sales manager about a client issue so that I could continue with next steps. He kept putting this off and minimizing how severe this issue could become if I did not get an answer by a specific date. The date comes and goes, things go as badly as I knew they would, and then he wrote me up for "mishandling" the escalation. I spoke with the sales manager, who confirmed that he was asked (read: told) by the narc to stop sending me weekly updates from his department, which were crucial for me to make informed decisions. He said he was asked to talk to Narc Boss first and that he would relay any relevant information to me. I finally went to HR (one person) to let them know that I was unable to do my job properly because he was intentionally withholding information from me. She seemed to understand and said simply, "Document everything." So I did. I started documenting everything and filled up at least 20 pages front and back in a notebook. Some highlights from my notebook:

• Frequently peeked his head into my office with rage in his eyes after berating another coworker, saying, "The nerve of that guy...!"
  
• Told me that he thought his title should be "Director of [Industry]" This title didn't exist and would have made him everyone's boss, including other managers.
  
• Misspelled the names of products on customer facing media. When I figured out why these items were not being picked up on our production sheets, he said "Oh yes, I've known that for months and nobody noticed."
  
• Explicitly told me not to do a project that the CEO asked me to do because it "wasn't my job." Asked me to gather the info an essentially do the project myself anyway, then presented it to the CEO as his own work and told him I had refused to do it. This happened with multiple smaller projects I was asked to do for other departments too.
  
• Told me I should appreciate how much he was "protecting" me from the CEO. Protecting me from what, I still don't know. Told me that he was "training" the CEO how to approach me.
  
• Told me that nobody in the company respected me, but he did, and that's why I shouldn't do the projects I was being asked to do or continue doing day-to-day tasks that had always been a part of my job.
  

I could go on and on, but I'll cut to the point where I completely lost it and started to grey rock. The CEO suddenly started complaining to me that he couldn't tell whether or not I was answering email that came through to a shared inbox. I didn't have access to the settings of the inbox, which must have changed at some point, but I did everything I could to make sure it was clear that all communications were answered. I eventually complained to Narc Boss that I didn't understand why the CEO would suddenly think I was not doing something I had been doing without issue for over three years. The next day, I didn't even get a hello from the CEO who walked past my office every morning on the way to his. He just completely stopped talking to me or even acknowledging me. After I asked Narc Boss what he had said to the CEO, he said "well, I think you need to start copying both of us in to every email that you send." Fine - I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I didn't appreciate the sudden micro-management, and I didn't understand how it would help the situation. Narc Boss started reprimanding me for mishandling email responses. In most cases, he had not read the emails carefully enough to realize that the "issues" he was pointing out were actually responses from the CEO, not me. I had enough. I grey rocked until...
One day, I walked in and Narc asked to talk to me really quick.. I said sure. He said "It's clear you aren't happy here, so effective immediately, your position is terminated. I smiled - I honestly thought he was joking for about 5 minutes. He told me he was serious and told me I had 10 minutes to gather my things. I said I'd prefer to be able to speak with someone first. Here's the kicker: This was day one of the HR manager's two week vacation. I asked to speak to the CEO, who was conveniently not there yet. I kept asking him why - what did I do, can you be specific? He told me that the CEO and HR had both already signed off on this and refused to give a reason. He just kept saying "I am your manager - I don't have to give a reason," repeatedly, with his head tilted up and his chin sticking out like some sort of white collar criminal pleading the 5th. After about a half hour of absolute shock and confusion, I handed in my keys and left. My co-workers were all equally as shocked when he held a meeting afterwards, saying I was let go for "personality differences."" One of them ran to see if I was still in the parking lot to give me a hug, but Narc made sure I was already gone. He then ran up to the HR office only to find out she was also gone. The Narc had won, as they always do, but did finally get one thing right. I have major "personality differences" and do not work very well with narcissists.

Heya! I posted this in /SanJose as well, but you happen to be in or around the South Bay, here are some fun things that are happening around here this week:

Thursday, 5/16

• Off The Grid Night Market Gordon Biersch (357 E. Taylor St., San Jose) 5-9 p.m. FREE Groove to music from San Jose Jazz while you sample over 50+ food trucks and brews at the inaugural event. (Runs through 7/11)
  
• Bay to Breakers Shakeout Sunnyvale Bay Trail (293-327 W. Caribbean Dr., Sunnyvale) 6 p.m. FREE Don your Bay to Breakers gear and run, jog, or walk to your own pace at this running series.
  
• Dwight Clark Legacy Series California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $30-$287 Along with lively conversations with current and former 9ers players, NBC Sports hosts a presentation of the Dwight Clark Awards.
  
• Drink and Draw Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 7 p.m. FREE Bring out your inner artiste while you sip on a tasty beverage and enjoy the sound of Digging Sound Collect. Crayons, paper, pencils, and other utensils provided.
  
• Chris Porter San Jose Improv (62 S. Second St., San Jose) Thu 8 p.m., Fri 7:30 + 9:45 p.m., Sat 7 p.m. + 9:30 p.m. $22-$72 From NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” and his Netflix special “Ugly and Angry,” this comedian has distinguished himself as a no-frills, no-sound cues, no puppets performer. (Runs through 5/18)
  
• Austin Nasso Rooster T Feathers Comedy Club (Address) Thu-Fri 8 p.m., Sat-Sun 7 p.m. $25 Admission, $35 VIP You may know this former Microsoft software engineer from his recurring appearances on “The Howard Stern Show.” (Runs through 5/19)
  
• Pressure Drop DJ Night Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE Join DJs Norbert + Fuchsia for a night of punk, ska, reggae, soul, and R&B.
  

Friday, 5/17

• Salsa y Cerveza Garden at the Flea (1590 Berryessa Rd., San Jose) 5-9 p.m. FREE Learn to Salsa dance and browse flea market deals while you groove to Union Timbera and gnosh on bites from local food trucks.
  
• Movie Night in the Park: “Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” Meadowfair Park (Corda Dr. + Barberry Ln., San Jose) 6-10 p.m. FREE Bring your blanket + lawn chair, and enjoy lawn games, crafts, and food trucks as you watch one of the coolest, most stylish animated films from last year.
  
• SJBP - Bikers of the Caribbean Ride! Berryessa BART Station (958 Berryessa Station Way, San Jose) 7:30 p.m. FREE Dress like a pirate, or wear your street gear to join other bike enthusiasts for a 15-20 mile ride through North San Jose.
  
• Bay FC vs San Diego Wave FC PayPal Park (1123 Coleman Ave., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $20-$196 After losses on the road to Chicago and Portland, our team returns home for a “Bay Area Unite” game.
  
• Sofia Niño de Rivera California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $49-$109 You may know this comedian as Mexico City’s “Woman of the Year” 2016, or from the Netflix dramedy “Club de Cuervos.”
  
• Dark Satellite + Orbit 17 + Dear Banshee Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $15 Advance, $20 Day of Show Bay Area indie rockers collide at a stellar showcase of prog, jazz, and otherworldly riffage.
  
• Alicia Villarreal San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $39.50-$149 See the two-time Latin Grammy Award-winning singer for her “Donde Todo Comenzo” tour.
  
• Electric Feels: Indie Rock + Indie Dance Party The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 9 p.m. $15-$20 Advance, $25 Day of Show From MGMT to Vampire Weekend, alt-J to Hot Chip, dance along to your favorite indie tracks from yesteryear.
  
• Panacea + HRIF + Perarez Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE Chunky riffs, ear-splitting growls, and dense-packed crowds fill one of the most intimate venues in the South Bay.
  

Saturday, 5/18

• Bored Teachers Comedy Tour California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. $35-$55 Ring in the end of the school year with the No. 1 teacher comedians in the world performing skits and stand ups.
  
• Culture Night Market Discovery Meadow (180 Woz Way, San Jose) 4-10 p.m. FREE Featuring local vendors, food trucks, and businesses, to hoppin’ stage performances from Universal Grammar, Los Jefes, L James, Thatfool Al, Sutro, DJ Say, and Real Ignorant.
  
• All Out for Al-Nakba San Jose Peace and Justice Center (48 S. Seventh St., San Jose) 4 p.m. FREE Join community members and activists for a screening and discussion of Al Jazeera’s “Al-Nakba: The Palestinian Catastrophe 1948” documentary series as a part of Anti-War Action Network’s national week of action.
  
• Hey Girl! Sexy Slumber Party Splash Video Dance Bar (65 Post St., San Jose) 6 p.m. FREE before 7:30, $10 after Dress in your best pajamas or sexy sleepwear and dance along with fellow fems, femmes, and femme fatales to the tunes of local DJ Rogue Mermaid.
  
• Nate Jackson San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $39.50-$200 You know he has to be funny, because his tour’s called the “Super Funny World Tour.” It’s just science.
  
• The ABBA Concert Experience Montgomery Theater (271 S. Market St., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $39-$59 This family-friendly singalong show highlights the enduring success of one of the world’s most beloved pop supergroups.
  
• San Jose Earthquakes vs. Orlando City SC PayPal Park (1123 Coleman Ave., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $22-$185 Join the Quakes for Vietnamese Heritage night, with special merch for sale, and limited items with purchase of a ticket.
  
• Take on Me: The Ultimate 80’s Party The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $17-$20 Advance, $20 Day of Show Don your favorite hot pants and pastel colors for this celebration of synths and gated reverb drums.
  
• Nineteen Jazz Orchestra Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $25 Advance, $30 Day of Show Along with classic soul, jazz, and R&B, this local professional jazz group will be performing “Obama Suite,” composed by their their former trumpet player, the late Eric Bolvin.
  
• Nature of the Beast SJZ Break Room (310 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $25 Bay Area jazz legends return to the SJZ stage to perform select songs from Herbie Hancock’s discography.
  
• Dead River Rebels + American Standard + Akira XX Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE DIY punk meets stoner rock at this showcase of local talent.
  

Sunday, 5/19

• Boogie Music Fest Downtown Campbell 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Sunday FREE Admission Enjoy food, beer, and wine, plus artisan booths, a kids zone, and a funky “Best Dressed” contest, with live music on two stages both days.
  
• AAPI Pride Brunch Holiday Inn San Jose - Silicon Valley (1350 N. First St., San Jose) 11 a.m.-3 p.m. FREE Celebrate Asian American Pacific Islander History Month with local drag performers, poetry, Mahjong, and trivia games.
  
• Halfway to Halloween Rumble City Boxing (866 Park Ave., San Jose) 2-6 p.m. FREE From spooky wares to Halfoween artistry, check out local artist booths with live music and food.
  
• Homayoun Shajarian + Anoushiravan Rohani San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 5 p.m. and 9 p.m. Two legendary performers, one from Tehran and the other from Iran, blend Eastern and Western musical traditions.
  
• Jakob’s Castle + The Happys The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $15 Advance, $20 Day of Show SoCal rock and ska royalty Jacob Nowell brings his sublime punk sensibilities to the stage.
  
• Sammy Obeid San Jose Improv (62 S. Second St., San Jose) 8:30 p.m. $30-$90 One of my favorite comedians of all time, Sammy’s been a part of the Bay Area comedy scene for the past two decades. Check out some of his bits on Instagram/TikTok!
  

Thanks so much for reading!

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• Gregg

Hello I am going to keep this as anonymous as possible and really only looking for way I can help. The father is a great dad kind, let him be free, and is a great communicator, but still his son has been not liking him recently. So for context I 22F (will call me Ashley) am dating a 32M (will call him John). He has a 3y old (will call him Bo) with his ex 32F (will call her Jessica). Jessica and John have only been apart a year, and currently he has 5d w Bo and she 2d. So recently Bo has been saying that he doesn't want dad, he wants mom, doesn't like dad and one time I have heard him say he hates dad. To add other thing they used to split time up evenly 3/4 day and would swap, so someone had him 4d one week and 3d another. Within the last two-three months Jessica has been requesting to have sat and sun off to "drink and organize her week" and then three days a week she works as a nurse so she cannot take him. So now it is at 5d with dad and 2d with mom. From then Bo had begun to talk about mom more and I figured typical since it is his mom and he sees her less and we do what we can to let him know she is just working and will come back to get him and we don't discourage him from talking about her. Within the last month I noticed Bo call things moms (ex: that's moms candy, that's moms cereal, that's moms tree, that's moms toy) most of the things of course are not hers as were either at a grocery store or at his dads were he's gotten new toys, and I personally don't do much to correct it. I mean he is a kid, and maybe sometimes I will be like no that's coco pebbles to help teach him the name of things but often time I am not sure what to say and just ignore it. Then too within the last month Bo hasn't been wanting to come to dads it really started one day we had to pick him at 4PM and she had just put him down for a nap and she decide instead of us coming back she was just going to wake him and that made him a bit cranky and he didn't want to leave her house and kept talking about going back to lay down. When he does come back from hers I notice often time he has heavy bags under his eyes and often make John put him to bed an hour or two early just to try to get some sleep. I wish I was kidding but sometimes I am like he should go to bed now cause he'll have double bags and just glossy eyes and noticeable irritable from being tired. Other things I notice too that whenever he comes back from hers A. he has begun to hit the table or will clap at you and point and grunt to get you to do something B. he will also be more upset when we ask him to say please or thank you and says "I don't want to I want to point" C. I understand that she had bought him nerf guns for Christmas he turned one (?? idk what john says) so she plays fight and hits with him so he will hit a lot more the day after hers as well and he doesn't understand when to play hit and sometimes he'll get really ruff and rude with his grandpa especially (his grandpa can barely hear especially high pitched voices so Bo will often hit him after grandpa doesn't hear him and respond). Very boy thing to be rough we get it so we just do our best to say we don't hit and to be kind and move on and D recently (I have picked up on it but from phone calls I have over heard she will say things like "Bo you are such a selfish boy" in like a giggly silly way and he's a huge copy cat so he'll say it back (as he'll say most everything back). Another thing I noticed every time the last 6 times we've picked him up he's got moms favorite, moms epic dude, momma boy, momma something on his shirt. WHICH again is great and cool, but I believe its more of a manipulation thing. A lot of this behavior from her is recent and not typically within the last 4-5M it has started. Ever since I got introduced to Bo he has wanted me and wants to talk to me and accidently called me mom for a month and talks about loving me a lot and about 4-5M ago she did send a huge text to John explaining she wants me nothing near her son and I am trying to take him and how she hates me, then after all that its been all super sweet talk, all mommas boy, they have also been going out more to museums and she's been bragging about taking him everywhere. So after all that context my big question is what can I do to help my boyfriends son from not talking like that and seeing that his dad is good or is there just anything I can do to help or is it just a phase? P.S yes he does punish him and he gets very angry about that, but its only for serious thing like hitting to hard sneaking out of the house or throwing grandmas decorations and smashing them knowing not that's not good, but I cant and probably actually can believe that she doesn't punish him cause she only has him two days shes off both days and can do whatever he wants plus she begged and pleaded for the house John bought so she doesn't have to live at her parents were they have they have more rules cause they don't want their stuff broken our "floor ruined" (I think it sucks but its were he lives and its who his parents are and I get it so, we also have other things to work around)

When I was preparing to take this course I wish I had a detailed review like this, so hope this helps...
General thoughts: I would be lying if I said this class is "easy." It's definitely not a class you can not study for at all and get perfect scores in. You need to put in the work. But it's not impossible, and definitely not as horrible as some people make it out to be.
Part 1 (Professor Ahmet Yildiz):
I went into the first section of the course thinking I'd need to memorize a bunch of amino acids, pKa's, etc.. There was not a lot of that. Yildiz is a professor who prefers application/conceptual understanding over brute force memorization. Take this with a grain of salt because the fall/other professors may have a different approach to the first section of 102. There is still quite a bit of info you need to memorize, but not to the extent people make it out to be.
His lectures are fairly dry. He did not know how to keep track of time/pace himself very well so he would often go thru only half a slide deck and need to pick back up during the next lecture. Thankfully he stuck to his word and did not expect us to learn info he didn't get to. Important to note that he has a fairly thick accent and talks quite fast so it can be difficult to catch every word he is saying at times. Nonetheless, his slides were pretty clear.
Exam was difficult but honestly not as bad as Ochem exams were for me. There's a mix of mcq, true/false, short answer, calculations, etc... The calculation questions were the hardest imo. Keep in mind he's a biophysicist so you'll see some of his physics background show up in the lectures & the way he frames his calculation-based questions. Regardless, the practice exam he gave from last year was definitely reflective of his exam.
He was the only professor to hold in-person office hours (helpful) and did stop for questions during lecture. Unfortunate part was that very little practice questions written by him were provided besides the practice exam.
Part 2 (Professor Evan Miller):
This section was quite content heavy, but was honestly my favorite section of the course. I attribute that to Miller's teaching. Miller is just amazing at what he does. He's super clear, succinct, articulate, knowledgable, and easy to follow along. His lectures pack in quite a lot of info but it never felt like that because he would annotate on his iPad alongside us as he taught. He always finished his lectures on time and was never in a rush. It's pretty obvious he has been doing this for a long time. He incorporated a lot of learning strategies in his section (active discussion/share-outs during lecture, pre/post surveys to assess student understanding, activities during discussion section, etc...).
Miller provided plenty of practice questions that were reflective/helpful for the exam. We received numerous problem sets, 2 practice exams, and practice questions built into the lecture. His exam was really long but because there was so many potential points - each question was not worth a whole lot (more room for mistakes). He was very upfront with his expectations and very helpful in office hours (held via Zoom).
Miller's section did incorporate some Ochem mechanisms but there were only 2-3 mechanisms on the exam. His section requires a combination of pattern recognition, memorization, and application. Very little to no math. After doing a bunch of practice questions you really get a feel for the type of questions he likes to ask.
Part 3 (Professor Ross Wilson):
People told me this section would be the easiest of the course. Not necessarily the case.
Professor Wilson is an extremely kind and easy-to-talk to/down-to-earth guy. He was always smiling, laughing, and making it easy to approach him. Nonetheless, his section's structure was not very helpful. Lectures were pre-recorded videos from 2020 that we were expected to watch on our own time. During the scheduled lecture time, Wilson would occasionally (on select days) show up to the lecture hall and do a Q&A / mini-review of the most recent lecture videos. Keep in mind these pre-recorded lectures were often an hour or longer. Wilson also stuttered/mumbled a lot. He would say something and then start questioning what he himself said or take something back. Or he would post a "correction" to something he said in the lecture videos. When people would ask questions during his in-person sessions, he would often get thrown off or not have a clear answer. I'm sure he's a smart guy but not necessarily the best teacher.
Wilson would provide really short assignments to complete (1-2 questions) but would then tell us that these questions were very hypothetical, not the best questions, too challenging, etc... Wilson constantly said he would not write such tricky questions on exams, but this wasn't necessarily the case. He was also constantly making comments about how he could have worded certain things better.
He was nice enough to provide ALL exams he's given while he's taught this course. He told us the most recent practice exam (2023) was going to be the most reflective, which was not 100% true because that exam was much much easier than ours and had questions straight up copy/pasted from previous years. Our exam was much harder than I expected it to be because the fill in the blank questions/MCQ's were each worth a lot of points. Getting one word or question wrong was quite costly. It was sometimes unclear what Wilson was asking for, or two answer choices seemed correct for the MCQ. It was kinda shocking because Wilson made it seem like his exam was going to be the easiest/ most straightforward when in reality it was quite challenging.
Content-wise, Wilson packed a LOT into his lectures. It was hard to sense what was essential info and what was more supplemental/examples. The way he structured his lectures often felt out of order. The man did provide an "elements to know" list with essential terms/concepts however, which did help.
I would argue part 3 was the hardest section of the course because of the structure/teaching style though Wilson is a hella chill guy.
Overall thoughts:
This course definitely takes foundational concepts from Bio 1A and builds on it (with some added Ochem ideas/principles and a bit of math).If you liked Bio 1A you will probably enjoy the course content. The professors were pretty decent but had 3 different teaching styles/course formats so I could see people getting lost with expectations/deadlines/assignments if they didn't attend class in-person. It would have been nice if things were consistent across the three sections.
One issue I had with the course was the lack of transparency regarding course grading. It took many weeks for the first exam to be graded and then the regrade process was a little chaotic. The professors never brought up grade bins during class nor was there anything about grades in the syllabus. I never knew how I was doing or what grade I might get in the class. People kept telling me that to get an A you had to do approx 1.5 stdv above average, which definitely caused some anxiety.
If you have to take this class I'd recommend it in the spring. For the spring semester, you get a 4x6 cheatsheet notecard for every exam (not always useful but still better than nothing). Lecture recordings are always provided (which I heard isn't the case for all 3 sections in the fall). The professors ended up being very generous with the final grade bins for the course. We weren't provided with final cutoffs, but the head GSI suggested that approx 60 percent of the class got some form of A's or B's.
I was fortunate enough to do well in the course, so here is my advice for future students... 1) Don't skip lecture/ always attend in-person! I never missed a single one so keeping up with the material was not an issue. It's super easy to get behind in this class yet significantly difficult to get back on track once you slip up 2) Attend professor OH: I did this off and on but when I did go they were helpful. 3) Go to all review sessions - I attended GSI review sessions, professor review sessions, and the SLC ones - you have nothing to lose by going (more exposure to material the better). 4) Grind out ALL the practice exams/problems provided. They are 100% the best way to prepare for exams. 5) Take good notes and actually review them frequently. 6) Make Quizlet or Anki your best friend: I used flashcards to prep for every section and studied them on the daily. 7) Ask questions on ED or during discussion section: GSI's are very kind & willing to help.
I used the textbook a little bit for part 1 (was somewhat helpful) and did not for parts 2 & 3. You don't need it, nor would I recommend going searching for Youtube videos. Lecture has everything you need. Oh, and there's no cumulative final! Midterm 3 (section 3 exam) happens during the allotted final exam time. Workload for the class is on the lighter side - just some problem sets that are graded on completion.
All in all, I actually enjoyed the course to some extent. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions / a challenging journey, but I think if you put in a lot of work/effort and remain positive - an A is not out of reach. This is not a Bio 1A/1B or Chem 1A where you can simply study the night before and still do amazing (all 3 exams had averages between 55 and 60 percent btw). But it's not at all the horrible class people scare you into thinking - it's likely easier than the physics series here and some upper div MCB courses. I wish people didn't make this class seem like it's straight out of a horror movie, but at the same time hearing people's experiences definitely pushed me to work harder.

Hello All, I posted on here about a month ago about my struggle of figuring out my relationship with my husband who is also questioning his sexuality. You can read it here. Appreciated all the kindness received.
Anyway the more I explore this and accept the truth of who I am. The more I realize that #1 you have to talk about it. Whether that’s in therapy, to your friends or to the strangers on the internet. Even all of the above like I’ve been doing. Every time you share, that weight you’ve been carrying lightens a little. #2. The topic of this post and why I’m expanding on my story instead of half sharing the truth. If I can help someone not go through the trouble I have then my internet sharing is worth it.
Going through this journey it’s been really helpful to me to think about my past, present and the most difficult how I see my future.
I’ll start with my past, both behaviors and stuff that made me want to hide those behaviors. Also trigger warning abuse and SA present, but truth helps.
My parents were teen parents and divorced by the time I was 2. I was in custody of my mom who was very unstable. One day she would be amazing and we would read books all day and normal fun mom stuff. Some days she wouldn’t leave bed. Other days she’d have so much uncontrollable anger she’d break everything in our house. It was a dice roll everyday of my childhood on if she was gonna be dead, nice or a raging bitch.
When I was 5 years old, I was obsessed with the Spice Girls. Particularly Sporty Spice. I wanted to be just like her. My mom told me “why can’t you be into any of the other ones that aren’t lesbians” Funny because to my knowledge Mel C is not gay and just prefers to wear athletic clothing. Still not off to a good start.
Pretty much exclusively only played with boys because I could not understand how to relate to girls. Anytime I played pretend or Barbies with girls, I wanted to be Ken or the dad or whatever. That definitely weirded some friends out. So I mainly had friends that were boys that I could play sports with. My mom would always make comments about how hanging out with boys was “unladylike”.
My dad got remarried and my step-mom was not having my little tomboy self. She made my mom look like a saint. Literally forced me to wear makeup and clothes I did not want to wear, by any means necessary. I was smacked by a variety of objects. Told me I would not be allowed to see my dad if I continued to want to “act like a boy” said I was a bad influence on my step - sister. I was literally just existing as I always had with my more stable parent. Unfortunately my dad loves this woman and followed along. It is what it is. Naturally even though I love my half brother and step-sister. I stopped visiting except at extended family holidays.
Through out my childhood my mom would have “boyfriends”. In a sense they were but really these men were people my mom was using for a house or drugs or whatever she thought she was into at the time. So my role model for relationships was sleeping with men will get you where you want to go. Some were very nice, some were extremely not.
Enter my half sisters dad/ my step dad. My mom married him around the time I was going through puberty. He was noticing that I exclusively hung around boys and assumed I was interested. Took it upon himself that he should teach about sex. He started with making me watch porn with him and then would start to suggest I practice stuff with him where it was safe. I was 11. I had learned from dealing with my mom that voicing my feelings just lead to blow ups. So I went a long with it even though I was uncomfortable. Luckily they divorced when I was 13.
So a trauma response when you can’t fight or flee is to disassociate. You just go off in make believe land until the danger passes. My make believe land was always my pretend relationships with girls I had crushes on. Anytime throughout childhood that’s where my mind went when I was stressed.
By the time I got to high school I had started having trouble making friends. I couldn’t hang out with guys anymore because they naturally wanted hook up with me. I couldn’t hang out with girls because I couldn’t separate attraction and jealousy from friendship. No home life. This ended up with me attempting suicide my sophomore year.
Luckily I survived. I stay kinda quiet but I’m able to find an outlet in sports and I am so thankful for that. Once I found out sports scholarships were a thing, and could help me escape my home I was all in.I also at this time began the same pattern as my mom. I was dating a boy who was two years older than me and living on his own. I lived with him and put up with intimacy because I was out of my house. He dumped me when he found out I was going out of state for college. He was also always very jealous I was excelling at my sport and getting offers.
College I joined a sorority and started hooking up with lots of guys. In my head it wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to men. It was that I was afraid of sex due to my childhood and I could exposure therapy myself into liking it. As you can guess that doesn’t work. I stopped because it was not helping my emotional well being whatsoever. I told myself the next guy I hook up with is going to be someone I “love”.
I met my now husband 2 years after graduating college. He was perfect. He was not actively trying to get me to have sex with him ever. We had similar experiences of not being able to connect with others in school. We truly enjoy each other’s company. We can’t figure out sex though. I thought it was just an aversion because of my traumatic childhood. Not being attracted to him never crossed my mind.
So now the present. You can only repress yourself so long. On paper my life looks incredible. Stable job, husband is enjoyable to be around, upper middle class shit. Literally the life I longed for as a child. But I feel empty, trapped, stuck. I’m still disassociating with fake women relationships all the time. Thoughts I assumed would just go away when I got married, they don’t.
I think the best thing that’s helped me lately navigating this is asking myself “am I doing this because I want to or because I think someone else wants me to”. Is it because I’m scared of reaction or because I want this. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that if I’m worried about my husband’s feelings at the expense of my own, I’m never going to have fulfillment or feel like I’m living life.
I still have a lot to unpack and deal with because I still am afraid of homosexuality due to the literal beating of it out of me. What I can tell you is at least accepting I’m attracted to women has given me a confidence I have never felt in my life. I look forward to finding out more of who I am, when I’m not avoiding others reactions. I am so grateful I stumbled on this community. I encourage everyone to keep sharing. You never know who you may be helping.

Rant TLDR: I am upset that bicyclists and motorists don't follow the rules of the road
I have had multiple incidents commuting via bike in the past couple days where people in cars have blatantly disregarded the rules of the road and put me in danger. I get that a lot of bikers don't follow the rules (eg don't signal, don't yield at stop signs (washington law says we can treat stop as a yield as long as we are going at a reasonably slow speed) but I don't think that is reasoning for putting people in danger. The most recent examples of this that I have had are someone laying on the horn at me when I was turning left on 43rd and University Way. Bicyclists can turn here (the sign says that cars have to go straight, but there is a thoroughfare for cyclists) and I was as far to my left as possible without impeding oncoming traffic so people can go around me and I was doing the left turn arm signal. I yelled the the person (admittedly out of anger because they were laying on their horn) "I AM TURNING" and they flipped me off and sped away. I like to think that I am a pretty considerate biker all things considered. I signal when I turn, I pull over when safe on hills because I know I am slower than a car, I obey the same rules of the road as cars except when there are specific ones for cyclists, but this shit keeps happening and its very frustrating.
Today I had something similar happen at an all way stop (the nightmare all way stop near Ravenna Park). I made my legally required yield at the stop sign (at the time there were no cars) and was proceeding through the intersection when some lady made a california stop at the stop sign then drove right in front of me, causing me to slow down. I would get it if I was far enough away that she could get away with it, but I had to slow down to avoid her hitting me despite me having the right of way. I get that nothing happened and I was able to keep myself safe, but all way stop right of way rules are there so that there is a clear order in which people proceed through these situations and, believe it or not, that means sometimes you have to actually stop at the stop sign and let the bicyclist who is almost right in front of you go first. Again, I would get it if I was far away, but like she almost hit me jetting in front of me.
Also rant for fellow bicyclists: Please follow the rules of the road because this makes it a lot safer for everyone. Use turn signals, yield at stop signs, stop at stop lights, bike ON THE ROAD (the sidewalk is not where you can go 25 an hour and shout for ppl to get out of the way) and for the love of god stop lane splitting. Not only is this a nuisance and also kinda feels like someone is cutting you in the lunch line but now other vehicles need to guess what you are going to do and suddenly the established rules are out the window and there isn't a clear procedure.
Anyways rant over. Cyclists and motorists both need to learn the rules of the road so we can safely share until Seattle builds proper bicycle infrastructure.