Hi, I’ve asked a few doctors this before but they always just shrug. Google provides little insight. Around 2020 I started noticing that whenever I would get sick and take Sudafed I would start to menstruate even if I was NO where near my cycle start.
I always forget this and am currently battling a nasty head cold and have taken Sudafed to help me sleep/breathe. I am currently technically on day 9 (RIP lol) of my period, and I was tapering down and sure enough, this evening it’s like I’ve re started my cycle from day one. Fresh blood and all. The weirdest thing is that it’s not at all like my normal periods which are riddled with unbearable cramps. I’m uncomfortable and have sciatic pain, but it’s not as bad.
Relevant history: 30F Endometriosis- diagnosed with excision surgery in 2019 Pelvic congestion syndrome- diagnosed 2022 Hypertonic pelvic floor- 2022 Ehler’s Danlos Hypermobility type- diagnosed 2023 ADHD- 2018 PMDD- 2016 History of ovarian cysts and fibroids Typically I have low blood pressure
Family history also includes endometriosis, fibroids, migraines
Currently on the mirena IUD as of September 2023, previously on Kyleena, and Skyla twice before then.
I suffer from hemiplegic migraines and can’t take estrogen.
I take adderall 20mg xr, lexapro 10mg, and 400mg of gabapentin daily (my newest addition, has helped immensely with my hot flashes). I take antihistamines like Allegra with no problem.
Pretty much just curious as to why this happens and if I should be concerned?
I’ll bring this up with my gynecologist at my next appointment, but wondering if that should be sooner rather than later lol.
(I do see a doctor at Mayo Clinic about every four-six months, I’m due to see my pain doctor mid-May next)
Thank you!

19 AFAB
Recently prescribed adderall XR and it definitely does what it’s supposed to but the nasal congestion is bothering me, clumps my mucus like a bitch. Been taking sudafed almost daily to deal with it. Really puts me off from the med- which sucks because I FOR SURE need it but it jacks with my eustachian tube dysfunction and clogs my hearing. I already have enough sinus/mucus issues as is. know it’s due to it being a stimulant and is a common side effect, but so is the sudafed and it doesn’t have that effect on me. (My lexapro does this as well, my sinuses seem to be sensitive to most medications)
Is there another med that is less likely to cause this? Or is it more of a person-to-person type thing? Would prefer to stay on the stimulant route before I try a non-stim though. Thanks!

I am a 39 yr old Male, take adhd meds and Wellbutrin
Whenever I take pseudoephedrine I feel like a new person/ I can think/ I have energy/ my anxiety is much lower, I am also less depressed and brain fog is gone. I’ve tried adderall also and it seems like it’s more jittery vs relaxing to md like pseudoephedrine.
Is it the sympathomimetic profile of Sudafed that is helping me here or is it doing something with my sinuses to give the above affects. Has anyone ever come into your office like this?

I have been having this weird reaction when using Sudafed - the nasal decongestant pill.
I’m not talking about the Sudafed you get on the shelf. I’m referring to the Sudafed you have to get behind the counter at any pharmacy.
Whenever I use it (when I’m sick) my penis becomes REALLY sensitive. When I poop, semen will just kinda drool out of my penis while completely soft. Yesterday, I was just taken a piss (while completely soft) and I felt that weird sensation in my groin area. So then I gave my penis a few strokes, maybe 3 or 4 and then semen just began dripping out. It was a lot too.
This also happened back in college when I tried adderall. Has this ever happened to any of you?

Hi everyone. I have an in person interview at a firm Thursday - it is 4 hours long- 4 individual interviews, lunch with three associates and then a 5 person panel interview. And I am sick.
Tested negative for flu and Covid, but literally am blowing my nose what seems to be every other minute. If I don’t blow it’s literally just running down my nose (sorry TMI!). Its disgusting. My sinus are so swollen my under my eyes is puffy and red from the pressure. I’m already on an antibiotic for something else and have tried everything otc- allergy pill, thermaflu, advil, Mucinex, vitamin c, zinc, nose spray, tried breathing the in apple cider vinegar steam- Nothing is helping! Also thinking ab getting the Sudafed they keep behind the counter but I’m prescribed adderall already so sounds like that is not a good combination.
Yes, I could go and try my best, but I feel like I am going to make a horrible impression showing up like this especially so close to Christmas… god forbid anyone got sick after the interview I’m sure they would think I gave it to them. Plus it’s just not very impressive to be blowing your nose 10x during panel questioning.
On the other hand, this is my dream job and I’m afraid I’m throwing away my chances by calling in and trying to reschedule! Does anyone have any advice, if you have done this before how did it turn out? Did they pull the job or let you reschedule? If you went, how did you get through it?

so my PO is extremely chill and nice. i had an appt today but tested myself yesterday and am still popping positive for thc and …… methamphetamine. before i get shit on, i was buying adderall from this guy and i was stupid to think it was real but obviously it was pressed meth pills. well. i have a focalin prescription but that would just pop up as an amphetamine. i heard sudafed, benadryl, vicks vapo inhaler and many more things can pop up as a false positive but this isn’t going to be a flash positive. i told her i had food poisoning today and rescheduled for wednesday. the last time i took the “adderall” was saturday. is there any way it will be out of my system by then? i used those dumbass pills consistently. so i’m not sure how much meth is built up in my system. and im afraid if i tell her it was sudafed or some other OTC med , she’ll send it to a lab and it’ll come back as actual meth. what do i do? is there anyway it will clear itself out of my system by wednesday? and if not, what do i tell her? i don’t want her to not trust me bc i really like her. but im so scared and don’t know what to do

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Sorry in advance for the long post. There is a long history and I'm not sure what's relevant and what's not.
26M 170lbs 6'1" Caucasian. Other requirements contained in this post.
I started drinking a lot in high school. The summer after graduating I drank, literally, every single day for about 3 months, blacking out for most of those days. In undergrad I drank 5-6 times a week, often blacking out. I didn’t start getting hangovers until nearly the end of undergrad and they were mostly mental. I started getting “hangxiety” for a couple of days after drinking – really bad social anxiety. It also caused a weird sensation in my head, the strong feeling as though there was something gunky that needed to be pulled out of my brain. Not physically painful, just uncomfortable. This feeling started occurring every time I went on a multi-day bender but never lasted more than a few days.
Fast forward to March 2022: spring break. I went on a multi-day bender, the first in a while as I stopped drinking as much in grad school (since 2020). The anxiety and gunky feeling came on but this time they never really went away. It started feeling as though there was something constantly tugging on my brain, as if it was constantly “recoiling” from anxious thoughts and like it was constantly trying to physically relax but couldn’t. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I don’t know how else to describe it. It was like that gunky feeling but on steroids.
At that time I was wrapping up my thesis and pulling a lot of all-nighters or near all-nighters and so I chalked it up to stress and did my best to ignore it until I defended my thesis. Almost immediately after I defended (April 2022) I went to San Diego with a bunch of classmates and we drank a lot. I blacked out. As we were driving back the next day I started feeling a physical pressure sort of sensation deep inside my head. It wasn’t painful and didn’t feel anything like a headache, just very uncomfortable. Sort of like the gunky feeling I had felt before, but again on steroids and more intense and focused into a pinpoint location somewhere central behind the bridge of my nose.
Since that day it started getting worse and worse. I slowly started developing a bruised, tingling, electric sensation on the bridge of my nose that got progressively more intense and hasn’t gone away, at all, in the last 14 months. This feeling is very superficial (like it’s between the skin and nasal bone) and is reduced when I pinch the bridge of my nose, but comes back as soon as I let go. The gunky pressure, tension, tugging feeling in my brain that is so hard to describe never goes away (almost – more on that below). It feels like it tugs on all areas of my head now – my temples, the back of my head, top of my head, cheeks, etc. At the same time I started not being able to breathe through my nose at all, and trying to do so made the pressure in my head so much worse. I developed a constant tickling sensation that felt super deep inside my nasal passages and I kept blowing out globs of thick, white mucus from very deep inside my nose.
Since then I’ve been to so many doctors I’ve lost count. I’ve been to ENT’s, neurologists, allergists, psychs, even pain clinic doctors and gastros. I started allergy shots and started using neti-pots with budesonide, and now I can breathe pretty well again, though there’s still a constant mild tickling sensation inside my nose. A list of drugs/tests/procedures I’ve had is below. Sort of related, although no tests or imaging showed anything, I did remove some large blockage from my nose myself. Read more in this reddit post. I told all of my doctors but none of them seemed concerned.
The only thing that has really helped is a sphenopalantine ganglion block, transnasal injection method. All the pressure and tension in my head went away, along with a great deal of anxiety and depression. It was the first time I’ve felt like I’ve been able to think clearly in 14 months. But it only lasted for 2 days. On the 3rd day it was back to baseline. It also did absolutely nothing for the bruised, electric feeling on the bridge of my nose. My insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s almost $600 per injection if I want to keep getting them. Gabapentin and tizanidine help a little but not much. More info in the lists below.
I pretty much don’t drink now. I’ve not had a sip for about a month and before that only a couple of drinks at a time. But even a couple of drinks sends me into an intense, anxious depression now for well over a week so I’m not touching it at all. I’m not even sure if all this shit is drinking related. It seems correlated but there’s a ton of variables. None of my symptoms go away even slightly when I stop drinking, besides the anxiety being less intense.
Drugs that didn’t do anything:

• Motrin
  
• Tylenol
  
• Allergy pills
  
• Mucinex
  
• Sudafed
  
• Various types of nasal sprays including Flonase, Astapro, Nasonex
  
• Prednisone
  
• Z-pak antibiotics
  

Drugs that do a little (currently on all of these):

• Montelukast (feels like my nose opens up a bit)
  
• Gabapentin (slightly reduces the bruised, tingling sensation; 900mg 3x/day)
  
• Tizanidine (slightly reduces the tension/pressure in my head; 8mg at bed)
  

Other drugs I’m on:

• Adderall IR 5mg 1x/day (I’ve been on Adderall daily since 2020 for ADHD. The dose I was at, 20mg XR, seemed to exacerbate my symptoms. I stopped taking it completely for ~4 months. Nothing changed. Now I’m back on the IR and it doesn’t really affect my headache anymore.
  
• Strattera 100mg 1x/day (Started this when I stopped taking Adderall but did not discontinue when I resumed).
  

Procedure that did a lot:

• Sphenopalantine ganglion block: eliminated the gunk/tension/pressure in my head almost completely. I haven’t felt so calm and at peace for over a year. Did absolutely nothing for the bruised, electric sensation on my nose however. Effect only lasted for ~2 days.

Tests I’ve had:

• Blood tests. Everything came back normal. If you want to know any specific results let me know and I can tell you.
  
• CT scan and MRI: nothing abnormal – only a few notes that every doctor said was completely normal:
  
  • Incidental cavum septum pellucidum
  • Slight small vessel ischemic disease vs. slight migrainous angiopathy
  • Mild mucosal thickening within the bilateral maxillary sinuses including two small retention cysts or polyps within the right maxillary sinus
• Upper endoscopy: nothing abnormal.
  
• Testosterone: On the lower end of the normal range, but normal.
  

Other things that exacerbate my symptoms:

• External stress from work (pressure and tension)
  
• Driving and meditating (feels like the bruised sensation is intensified when I have nothing else to focus on)
  

Other things that reduce my symptoms:

• Being in nature hiking/backpacking. I’m so much more at peace when I’m out in nature.

If you got this far, thank you. Does anyone have any insight as to what might be going on? The closest thing I can find that is representing my symptoms is idiopathic external nasal neuralgia (see: External Nasal Neuralgia: An Update. 2017. Nierenburg & Swift Morris) but none of my doctors know anything about it as it seems very rare.
If you have any questions or want more information please ask and I will do my best to answer, I know this is a long, possibly scatter-brained post.

Hello,
I am a 28 year old female. I’m taking birth control pill and adderall. Here’s the backstory:
I’ve had ongoing sinus issues most of this year. I was prescribed Amoxicillin and Flonase 2/27/23 after 10 days of a sinus infection with no improvement. I was prescribed more Amoxicillin 4/20/23 after I tested positive for Strep. The doctor at that time noted that I had a lot of congestion separate from the Strep and prescribed more Flonase. Since then I’ve continued to have congestion but I chalked it up to bad air quality or allergies.
On 7/15 I felt sick again (congestion, body aches, headache) and by 7/17 I had excruciating headaches whenever I moved my head or stood up. I went to immediate care and they said it was likely my sinuses and told me to take Sudafed. On 7/20 the congestion was worse and I had moderate to severe ear pain. The NP prescribed Amoxicillin for an ear infection.
Today (7/26), the headaches and ear pain is better but still present. I’m almost done with my 7 days of Amoxicillin. I feel fine in the mornings but by the afternoon and evening, I feel the headache and ear pain getting worse. Should I go back to the doctonurse again?
This is all very unusual for me. I never had ongoing issues with my sinuses like this before this year. I’m getting quite sick of it and I’m wary of how much Ibuprofen, Tylenol, Sudafed and Mucinex I’ve taken over the past several months.
Editing to add: I also have post nasal drip and a sore throat on one side from that. That has also improved but is definitely still present. I also have been continuing to use SimplySaline and Flonase.

Sooo. I recently dealt with a prolonged case of priapism. Self induced with Trimix. I already have ED due to post finasteride syndrome which I’ve had it for 12 years and was the whole reason i was using Trimix to begin with but I digress. The priapism lasted about 2 days. Got the hard on friday night and I finally got sudafed to get it to go down. It sucks because I had the fucking injectible antidote and when i went to grab it somehow it was gone. Spilled out I guess. Fucking retarded. I was also on xanax and adderall on friday plus we took a little molly. I’m not sure if the boner stayed hard the entire time cuz i really wasnt paying attention but probably not. It wasn’t the type of boner that your dick feels like its gonna explode or anything but it was definitely erect. It probably wasn’t at explosion level because of my post finasteride syndrome and the other drugs that i was on which im hoping is a good thing for me. I would say the priapism lasted around 36 hours. From around midnight friday night until sunday morning i finally got sudafed. I know. Bad! So after it went away my dick was basically flaccid but I still had sex one more time after that. Got erect no problem. I also had sex monday morning before I went to work. Skip to next friday I used trimix again and had sex once again. No issues other than my dick hurt a little. So… after that it when i started to notice some issues. I can barely get erect and the problem seems to be getting worse. I still have all of the feeling in my dick and i can still cum and everything but the ED is significantly worse. it’s a wet noodle when i jack off. which im used to because of my PFS but it’s definitely worse. Skip to a little later and trimix was barely getting it up. But i was using low doses because of the incident. I’m about to see a urologist and have it looked at to see what damage I did. Im also noticing it feels like a small lump under my skin towards the end which is making me think there’s scarring and possibly the beginning of peyrones disease. Soo… What I am personally thinking right now is that I’m kinda lucky… Ive heard this coulda been muchhhh worse.. Im 34 years old and fairly healthy. The fact that Ive had sex a whole week after the incident seems like a good sign. If Trimix will no longer work for me for sex then I’m fully prepared to get an implant. I still have all of my feeling which must be a great sign. And if the lump at the end of my dick under my skin is plaque like I think it is then Ive heard there’s treatment options for that called xiaflex which they would inject me. Soo… I’d love to hear some input from yall about this. Anyone’s 2 cents is welome. Please let me know how bad you think this is gonna end for me. I’m actually kind optimistic

I'm going to England and will not be able to bring my adderall with me because it is expired and I don't have a doctor's note saying that I need it. My ADHD is severe, non stimulants don't work, and I'm wondering if anyone has experience here. I will not be able to stay awake or function well without it, and this is a condensed study abroad trip so I'll have to be doing a lot of classwork.
I'm thinking that because Sudafed works somewhat for me in the US, it might help some if I buy some while I'm there and take it to help manage symptoms. In the research I've done though, Sudafed is different there, and I would likley have to purchase it when I get there.
Does anyone know if it will help from experience?
Can I safely take it most days for 2 weeks?
Is there anything else OTC in England that is a stimulant that will help from your experience that isn't caffeine?
Thank you in advance.

Any of you guys drug up before playing? No judgment here I'm a libertarian and think everything should be legal. I frequently take Sudafed + caffeine, or as I like to call it Adderall light to improve my focus. But I'm also keeping separate and simultaneous counts for side bets. Just wondering if anyone else does this. I definitely know when I'm playing next to someone on coke tho lol

So currently right now I have the cold from 🤬. My husband had it last week he is a long hauler from Covid so his asthma acted up. I stayed home with him for the week and saw my patients remotely. Anyway I began symptoms on Friday. I’m just really congested. So I remember as a kid my psychiatrist wouldn’t let me take any cold medicine unless I was off my Ritalin cause of fast heart rate. It was horrible off meds and sick I couldn’t rest I would be restless and up and down etc. so my mom finally got fed up and gave me my meds. Now as an adult I asked my psychiatrist about this and he said your a healthy adult. I am on adderall and have been taking DayQuil and Sudafed with no issue. I wonder did anyone’s doctor do this to them as a kid? I remember having pneumonia as a kid and was on something I had to stop my Ritalin it was hell.

Male, 26, no known health issues, I take Adderall since July 2021
Since Jan 4th, I have been dealing with ringing in my ears. This has stressed me out to the point where I had a vasovagal syncope over it and was taken to the ER. After screening me for the vasovagal, they checked my ears and told me there was a buildup of middle ear fluid causing the issues, so I have been taking Sudafed and Mucinex to try and rid myself of the fluid for about 7 days now. I have also been opening my mouth to pop the pressure in my ears to the point where my jaws are now sore and inflamed.
Two nights ago, I felt an odd tingling feeling on the back of my head, almost like someone was playing in my hair around the left side base of my neck and head. I have had a few occasions where I felt it behind my ear as well. Well I just pushed for a bowel movement and felt a pulse on the top left side of my head and behind my ear. My neck has also been feeling stiff. I read that this can signal a problem with the arteries.
Am I about to have a stroke and need to go to the ER?

Hello,
Personal background info: 26 y/o male, normal weight, somewhat active, no known health issues. I take Adderall as prescribed for adhd.
Approximately 2 weeks ago, I noticed odd, but minor changes in my hearing. As a musician, I thought this may have been temporary or permanent hearing damage, so I took a break from my music starting later that week on Friday January 6th. The issues involved tinnitus (ringing in ears) that got louder with external noise. This was troubling and I began getting anxious that I was rapidly losing my hearing ability.
On Wednesday January 11th, My anxiety about hearing loss progressed to the point where I was not managing the anxiety, resulting in a vasovagal syncope episode which made my wife take me to the ER (we didn’t know what was happening to me). After the ER doctors checked me out for the vasovagal episode, they thought to check my ears which is when they noticed fluid behind both ear drums. They sent me home with antibiotics and recommended decongestants, assuming there was an ear infection.
I have been taking the antibiotics as of Thursday Jan 12th with Sudafed oral decongestants, the kind from behind the pharmacist counter. Symptoms seem to be gradually improving and there definitely seems to be less fluid once the decongestant starts working. I noticed I can feel fluid and hearing distortions start up again soon after my oral decongestant wears off. I am also noticing random bouts of pressure in the roof of my mouth and sinus area.
I have not had any of the classic symptoms of infections such as fever or nasal congestion. This is the main reason why I couldn’t even believe there would be an infection in the first place. I don’t have a history of being bothered to this extent by any allergies either. The weird hearing issues also began around January 2nd - wouldn’t an ear infection have resolved on its own well before January 11th when the ER doctors discovered fluid? Shouldn’t fluid be lessening at this point instead of coming and going?
I am worried about the possibility that there was no infection at all and the root cause of the fluid in my ear may not be known or resolved. I have an ENT appointment set for January 31, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to take decongestants every day until then assuming the fluid doesn’t stop before then.
Any thoughts?

Hi there, doctors of Reddit. Thank you in advance for reading this and for your help.
​
I am a lifelong music fan and have been attending concerts since I was 13 years old. When I was 17, I stood too close to a drum set and directly after that show developed permanent mild tinnitus (with no chronic pain). It was annoying and hard to adjust to, but I got used to it after a couple of weeks and invested in professional grade musicians' earplugs custom molded for my ears by an audiologist. I've worn the earplugs religiously to every show I've attended since I got them. (Granted I still attend multiple concerts most weeks due to my work as a music journalist and concert promoter.)
​
I thought that given my use of my earplugs that I wouldn't have to worry much about further ear problems (besides perhaps a bit of hearing loss further down the line). However, back in March 2021, I had what turned out to be a very awful incident. I hadn't attended any live music during the pandemic besides a couple shows in the park. But on this night I had joined a friend a large, noisy dive bar (recorded music playing through speakers; lots of people talking and shouting). I drove home and played music on my stereo (loud, but not much louder than usual -- maybe a 22 on the stereo instead of 20).
​
When I got home, I noticed my ears ringing louder than usual. This would happen every once in a while after shows and would always resolve itself by the time I woke up the next day. Unfortunately, when I woke up, the ringing was still as loud as the night before. This freaked me out, so I dedicated my weekend to watching TV very quietly alone in my room.
​
At some point in the next few days, when I had adjusted to the current level of ringing (it's now either the same as it was before, or barely louder), I started to notice that I was wincing at everyday sounds (dishes clattering, the toilet lid hitting the rim, car engines, sirens, honking, people shouting, dogs barking).
​
I made an appointment with the audiologist and took a new hearing test and my hearing was still almost perfect despite this newfound sensitivity. A specialist taught me about hyperacusis and showed me how to do some sound exposure exercises with videos/audio online that could help reintroduce me to normal levels of sound. I am now fairly adjusted to everyday sounds again (as best I can be -- I take a klonopin when I'm overwhelmed and carry my earplugs if I know I'll be somewhere noisy, but don't use them much besides at concerts or sporting events still).
​
However, the real problem for me is that somewhere between a few weeks and a few months after the hyperacusis began, I also developed a nearly nonstop pain in both of my ears. I forget if it was a CT or MRI or both, but I had imaging done of my head for tumors or anything of that sort, and the doctors saw nothing abnormal.
​
The pain is there almost constantly from when I wake up to when I fall asleep and ranges anywhere from a 2 to a 7 (on that kind of rating system nurses use). It is most often a dull aching deep in the ear, but occasional is burning. It is almost impossible for me to focus on mental tasks (writing is an important part of my job and something I'm passionate about, and I now can't do it for more than a few minutes without feeling exhausted). The pain also, obviously, makes my baseline irritability higher.
​
So far, the only things I've gathered that calm the pain are the following:
-Alcohol: Getting drunk always knocks it out completely for the day, but this obviously isn't healthy. I gained `~10lbs at one point since this was the only thing working. I developed a tolerance at some point (which is quick to return), so now I'm only drinking about once or twice a week, rather than four or five.
-Klonopin: I have a prescription for .5mg and I take 1 or 2 a day on average. They only work for 30 minutes or a couple hours, so I would quickly run out if I took them every time I was in pain.
-Eating and showering: Probably has to do with dopamine, or at least the distraction.
-Gabapentin: Prescribed by a pain management specialist. 600mg x2, three times a day, the maximum dosage. This only gets rid of the pain for one third or half of my day at most, and if I accidentally miss a dose, it takes at least a couple doses before it's back to working again.
-Adderall: I've been given a small handful of XR capsules (by a longtime trusted friend, from her own prescription) and the pain for most of the days I've taken those (while not completely gone) was much lower than usual (when I also took the gabapentin). Maybe also due to the dopamine at play? I asked doctors about this and they said they didn't see a reason it should work as a treatment, though these are the days I've felt the best in the last year, but maybe that's because the pain is lower and I'm able to write at my full ability again.
​
I know that hyperacusis has a sort of emotional trigger response in the brain that's trying to protect the ears from damage by sending pain signals, so I'm guessing that my own response to that loud night out in March '21 (and my weekend in my room following it) has something to do with it. There's also the possibility, I'm guessing that there may be also be some sort of nerve damage in my inner ear that somehow doesn't impact my actual hearing ability.
​
I've tried treatments given to me by my primary care doctor, multiple audiologists, a neurologist, a dentist (to rule out TMJ issues), and a pain management specialist. Prescriptions and treatments I've tried that have not worked include the following: Cymbalta, Lyrica, Nurtec, Topamax, Propanalol, Sumatriptan, sudafed/anefrin/mucinex/ambroxol, gingko biloba, Lamotragine, lipo flavinoid, CBD, and THC.
​
I also tried an increased dosage of the Nortriptyline I take for my chronic facial migraines (which I began having in March 2020), which did not work.
​
Other health history: Mild asthma; allergies to penicillin, animals, and tree nuts; broken nose/concussion at age 15; broken wrist at age 8; gall bladder bile duct surgery at 13; hernia at age 12; abscess in jaw after wisdom tooth removal at age 21; hypospadius at birth; avascular necrosis in leg/hip (discovered over a year after the hyperacusis began). Mother of Ashkenazi descent, father not. No important family medical history I know of.
​
It's been discouraging how little help all of the doctors I've seen have been able to give me (as kind as they all were; I'm sure they've tried their best). I've been letting the pain management specialist try different prescriptions and dosages with me every month for almost a year now, but no luck at all aside from the gabapentin/kpin combo.
​
The pain isn't any more intense than it was when it began (even after I returned to live music, though I took weeks off -- PLEASE do not suggest that I find another job/passion. It's all I live for outside of my family and one of the very few things I'm good at), but the longer this goes on and I have to sit in this pain day after day, the more my mind creeps into passive suicidal ideation (I've never been actively suicidal or had any other mental health issues aside from very low level anxiety).
​
I don't think I qualify to the government as disabled (you can't really quantify my inner ear pain, I don't think), but I can't function at a high enough level to sustain myself with the workload I need to take on. I'm about to be off my parents' health insurance after my birthday just over a week from now and I'm extremely worried about my future.
​
Please let me know if there is any advice you can offer. Thank you.

Hello all, I’ve taken 600 mg of Lamictal/lamotrigine every day for 10 years and normally don’t experience any side effects. I learned in college I can’t take adderall or else I get double vision. Okay, nbd.
In the last few years I’ve noticed that when I get sick and take flu medicine (NyQuil, Sudafed, or Coriciden HBP) I’ll experience double vision a few days after.
Has this happened to anyone else? If so, have you found a cold/flu medicine that works for you?
Thank you!! Fellow Epileptic

-Coming in right after their dr appointment expecting their perscription to be filled talking about "they said it would be ready" WHO? Because they don't know shit about our process and workload!

• People having insurance and having co-pays that aren't unreasonable asking to use good rx.

-Opiate/Stimulant users calling on the earliest day they can legally get their perscription filled asking if it's ready and when it will be.
-Its always the pts with controlled perscriptions calling and saying they're "going out of town" and need their rx soon and early. Those people ARE ALWAYS going out of town.
-The c2'ers calling as soon as we open asking for their c2s! We just fucking opened!
-The nonstop calls from people asking if we have adderall!! Saying they NEED IT! You don't fucking need it you can survive without it stfu!
Also;
People who come in for Sudafed and pseudoephedrine products. The process is a pain in my ass! Good God it's 2022 why haven't we came up with a quicker process?!
And don't get me started on the old people. They are insufferable! They don't know what the fuck is going on or how shit works. I've got regulars that I have to remind everytime they pick up to sign the fucking signature machine and they act all like it's brand new to them. They leave their card in after paying and it beeps forever as they fumble in their wallet. They can't fucking hear so I have to shout out what medicine I'm handing them. Everytime I hear that beep beep beep of the handicap carts I want to pull my hair out. Some of them smell like piss.
Hi are you here to pick up? "Yes I should have a few here for me I just left the Dr's office" (Looks up name and status in the workflow) I'm sorry but we just received it and it's not ready. "What do you mean it's not ready?!! I left there 17 minutes and 42 seconds ago it should be ready by now!! Are yall just screwing around back there or what?!" Sir, respectfully, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO WENT TO THE FUCKING DR TODAY AND HAS A PERSCRIPTION THAT WAS SENT HERE!