How to build a long travel sand rail

I am considering to buy this motorcycle and just wanted to clear few doubts.
1) Do the front brakes wear out faster? 2) Availability of parts? I heard that parts are maybe hard to source. Anyone from Pune if you can let me know what the scene is that would be great. 3) Motorcycle pulls to the left side. I asked the Sales person about this and he said that it's rectified in 2024 models 4) What is the cost to replace chain and sprockets 5) Your experience regarding seat comfort for long distance touring 6) Has anyone fitted street tyres and how is the ride after fitting them. 7) Due to its tall stance how difficult/easy is it to pick it up if dropped. Since I travel solo that's a concern for me. 8) Did anyone install Fuel X and performance air filter? How has it helped with rideability? 9) Aftermarket crashgaurd vibration? 10) Does the tank need paint protection and exhaust tip need? Has anyone done ceramic coating/ppf? What would be the average cost for getting it done?

Honestly, with the exception of sandbox games, I think that there’s no better way in gaming to express creativity than automation games. When I talk to my friends about the genre, they’re usually under the impression that the whole point of automated games is just to manage numbers and complete tedious tasks. But for me personally, there’s a certain type of sandboxiness (if that’s a word even) in having the freedom to solve logistical problems in a multitude of different ways.
I’ve recently been playing Factorio and Final Factory (it released into early access not to long ago), and I really grew to appreciate the level of freedom and creativity in these games even more. Both games are quite fun and have a lot of room for expressing yourself. All the components of a successful production system can be manipulated and set up in countless ways, allowing a player to create completely unique solutions to problems. Final Factory, on top of that, has blueprints that allow a player to build interconnections of logistical creations into some really crazy industrial behemoths.
Automation games generally provide a unique sense of accomplishment when you’ve crafted your own system, but solving those problems in your own personal way makes for a far greater reward imo. While I personally enjoy titles like Albion Online and RuneScape a lot because of the freedom to create your own destiny, I still love how automation games make me feel.

What are your AI chat Spanish practice prompts? I've seen some good ones out there for having a conversation. Lately I've been messing with ChatGBT / Gemini / Bing / Meta quizzing me on translating.
"You're a spanish teacher having a conversation with a student who is trying to learn Spanish in high school. Let's do an activity. This is how it goes: 1) give me a random high school level sentence, 10-15 words long, in English. 2) I will try to translate the sentence that you gave me 3) you tell me if my translation is correct or not and why. 4) topic: travel"
You can change topic to whatever. House, sports, news, dating, etc. I've found that giving it a a topic and changing the tops once in a while helps to keep it from getting stuck and using the same vocab over and over.

A student builds a concentration cell in order to determine the Ksp of an ionic compound. To do this, the student produces a half cell on a microtitration plate with a lead metal electrode and 5 mL of 0.050 M Lead(Il) nitrate. The student then mixes 9 mL of 0.050 M potassium iodide with 3 mL of 0.050 M lead nitrate in a small beaker. A precipitate of lead(Il) iodide forms and settles to the bottom of the beaker. The student then transfers 5 mL of the mixture containing the Lead (Il) iodide precipitate with its supernatant to the microtitration plate, adjacent to the half-cell produced earlier. The two wells are connected with a salt bridge and the concentration cell potential is measured 3 times. The average cell potential was measured as 0.047 V.
Using information from the description, calculate the equilibrium constant (Ksp) for the system. And calculate the molarity of Pb2+ in equilibrium with solid PbI2 and the iodide ion concentration in the solution.
I think for Ksp I am supposed to use the Nernst Equation but I don’t know how. I tried using 2 delta G equations and setting them equal to each other getting (-RTlnK=-nFE) but I got an unusual number. As for the molarity I think I should use the ice table to find [Iodide] and then with Ksp the [Pb2+] and then Iodide ions in the solution.
Sorry this is so long. I really tried a couple of ways however I was getting some weird answers.

Long story short the compaction mechanism in the basin is crafting supplementaries "block of flint" instead of andesite and I dont know how to fix it the build in question is below and I really just need a way to specify what Recipe to craft but can't find anything to do so
https://youtu.be/N_-rP-6Jnj4?si=Nd1xGshIiNSe6zRF

Name: U.S.E.C [REDACTED] Callsign: Reaper Location: Hideout Time: 72 Hours After Loss of Communication
I'm writing this for anyone who finds me dead, or who happens to kill me, good luck by the way. Where the fuck do I start? I would say the beginning, but that would take too long to write and I don't have time in this shithole. I never wanted to be put on this assignment, I knew this shit was wrong, Terra Group never seemed trustworthy. But fuck, the money was good, too fucking good.
I was supposed to be getting sent out with a group of guys to the Priozersk Natural Reserve to replace one of their guys. The dumbass stepped on one of his group's own fucking landmines, idiot. But that never happened because the Russians showed up. They were part of some new group, a P.M.C. like us called B.E.A.R that I heard was engaging us in other parts of Tarkov, and fuck, they weren't pushovers. They hit us hard and fast, I lost most of my squad within the first 15 minutes of the fight at the business center, place was basically ground zero of the hell I'm stuck in now.
Most of it all is a blur, I remember taking a few rounds to the plate and eating the dirt. I got dragged out of the line of fire by one of my guys, we all called him "Dozer", fucker was built like a God damned tank. Once he made sure I was still breathing and not dead he shoved my rifle back in my hands and told me to move. We high-tailed it as fast as we could towards the Terra Group business building, then the bomb went off. We got knocked on our asses, shrapnel flying everywhere, my ears were ringing, and everything felt like it was in slow motion. I pushed myself to my feet, looking around in a daze. Civilians were running everywhere, multiple caught in the crossfire. I was able to get my gun up and dumped a couple of B.E.A.Rs pushing me before I turned to look for Dozer who had been closer to the blast.
It was something straight out of a nightmare, a real fucking bad one. He was already dead, almost in pieces, his throat torn open by what I'm guessing was a piece of the building. Blood was everywhere, his body had so many holes in it even if he was alive I wouldn't have been able to do shit. Taking what little sense I had left, I found a van Terra Group had given us to use and I got the hell out of there. I ran into a little bit of resistance here and there, some scavengers opened fire on me, I nearly got hit by some asshole with an R.P.G., that was fun. But I drove until the piece of shit ran out of gas a few hours ago, luckily for me that was near some civilians who didn't absolutely hate my guts. By some stroke of luck, there was an old bunker that a few of them had hidden inside. They were planning on heading to some terminal that the Russian military had control over and were evacuating people from.
Knowing I would probably get thrown into a fucking gulag if I went, I chose to stay behind. One of the civis knew how to get the ventilation system operational so I paid him a hefty chunk of roubles to get them working. He told me that the generator just needs a spark plug and that there were some pretty powerful figures still in the area before he left, and now I'm here alone. The van I had commandeered had some spare weapons and ammunition, as well as some food and armor. Now I'm here in this shit hole with me and this notebook. The only thing I can do now is to see who those powerful people could be and try to come up with a plan. All communications are down, and I'm pretty positive it has something to do with the massive blue blast I saw in the distance last night. So my main objective is to survive, get some fresh gear, and maybe make a few acquaintances to help me along. This is my life now, and all I can do is keep fighting because that's the only way I'm going to Escape From Tarkov.

Successor : u/Intel81994
Hi,
I first found this subreddit and Neville's works in 2018 so I thought I'd share my success/experiences.
I've never posted here, only lurked... daily. I often see people post tiny wins in here like manifesting a test result or a few hundred dollars. I don't see many huge wins except occasionally, or multi-year life changing creations.
Well, I'm not where I want to be bc my goals have gotten a lot bigger, but I've come a long way and finding this work in 2018 changed my life so I want to share with you how.
Not to discourage, but small wins are nothing compared to the deep life changes and incredible abundance you can create in knowing who you really are - just think - there are people out there, several, who own $10M+ houses, multi-millionaires, many came from nothing.
I'm not saying that's the only thing worth striving for or even the source of joy, of course. But my point is anything you want, someone else out there has done it, they are just humans like myself and you.
So here's how my life turned around since 2018 and what I created. The HOW I did so is no different than what you already read on this sub every day.
Neville has been my favorite teacher and this is the MAIN sub I have read over the last few years. I own all of his books and have read them several times.
I regard his methods as most influential for me. This may come off as some motivational story but truth is I use Neville's methods daily and always try to understand and control my beliefs to grow.
Here is how my life changed completely after DOING the work:

• MONEY/TRAVEL : I went from -50k in debt running my own online fitness coaching business at my lowest point not knowing how I would pay rent (long story but I was young and not skilled enough in business at this time to really build a team and 7 figure business like I wanted),

to acquiring amazing skills being an intrapreneur working in a small startup online with a terrific mentor (I manifested this exact position with SATS), traveled the world a crazy amount in the exact places I had wanted to and met a ton of cool people (SATS), over 27 countries now, and grew my net worth to over 250k from 2018-2021.
To my current goals, this is really nothing now and I now surround myself with people doing a ton more than me. So I'm not preaching here, it's just levels to the game right.
I now work professionally in the crypto industry, but also have skills and knowledge to a few types of online businesses in the consulting & marketing space, as well as make money from markets/trading, which is a great vehicle because there are effectively no limits.
I can live anywhere I want, have plenty of cushion and money to live mostly how I want (have larger goals now), have time freedom as well, and most of all, love growth and feel great striving for more. I did SATS to get my current gig.
I've also been trading the last 2 years and no it's not easy, in fact you're competing against algorithms and the best minds in the world so the learning curve is quite steep.
Trading is not easy money, but the potential is there. Besides, trading is just one vehicle, it's not value-additive to the market like businesses are, so I believe it's best used in conjunction with a business/job, and investing longer term is better.
Anyway I turned <40k into ~350K in crypto, and a separate stock portfolio last year.
And yes a lot of that crypto growth was market timing and luck with everything going on, monetary policy and all, and I know people who turned less into several million and also plenty who got liquidated and lost millions. I still spent a lot of time and skill to create that, point is I created all of it in various forms.

• FITNESS/HEALTH: I achieved a more fit and better body than 98% of men have. This was a result of hard work plus these methods and was in 2018 when I decided to undergo a bodybuilding prep for a photoshoot. Great size, leanness, abs, I had been lifting for years but never gotten this in shape.

It was not easy, but I looked incredible, and the exact city/water background scene I had visualized for the photos happened. You can scroll to my IG posts from early 2018 for pics proof.
My health is impeccable and I've for sure made other physical changes, and I think I somehow changed my gf's looks to become better over time too. She was always quite cute though. I'm still very much in shape but now do yoga daily for last few years, as well as lifting.

• LOCATION/LIVING: I manifested the EXACT view I used to visualize in the center of my major city, with a gorgeous view of the ocean and city both, for a great price and have lived here for last 3 years now. In a luxury high rise. I can see ships and yachts right outside my balcony every day. It's literally grander than I even knew to imagine just 5 years ago.
  
• MORE FINANCE: Over the last 2 years my investments and more were doing so well sometimes - not always - that I often was able to have some months making 20-40k, point is I was not worried about work.
  

I also believe parallel realities are real and I used to visualize Bitcoin going to 50k back in 2019 when it had stayed below <10k for 2 years. This was not all due to bitcoin, but rather all sorts of investments, but yes crypto as well.
Some was luck, some was skill and work. All was my creation. I also got quite decent at trading and managing a portfolio that I not only managed to publicly call the exact day of the market TOP in november 2021 but also sniped the bottom in July. Intuition plus knowledge.
So I kept this money, it is not bleeding out in my portfolio with the market. I've devoted a LOT into mastering this craft but again, self concept and Neville helped.
I got hacked for 60k-70k a few months back and chose to give it new meaning and manifested a career change to crypto industry, landing a position making over 10k per month (I'm not happy with this at my current standards of income, but I'm grateful), that I am growing to 20k per month of active income now with other streams.
What's interesting in my recent career manifestation is I decided I want a position that basically pays me to do what I already do (I was independently researching and managing a multi-6 figure crypto portfolio... over a quarter million dollars combined money that I was managing. )
I now get paid a full time 6 fig salary to do nothing extra from what I was already doing and barely work on the actual job with plenty of time for other stuff.
I just decided it was done and that's it. Also of course it's remote... knowing what I know, I will only consider remote jobs (never worked in a physical office and I've actually never had a w2 job before this, always doing sales and stuff or my own thing).
I have been working on increasing my standard to 25k per month minimum of active income generation. Had a lot of ideas come through. I’m just not the type to have a job I think but I have to figure out what I can build again.
Compared to who I want to be at a later date that’s also nothing much. Again, levels to the game.
Now also working on growing a business in this space. This hack event was pretty traumatic but I now see how I 100% manifested it. And I can choose to also create something far greater out of the event now.
With every job I've ever had, I've never worked in an office. I've only ever been remote or online because this is the only thing I was willing to accept. Being a digital nomad has been my norm since I graduated college.
Be specific in what you want and do not settle.
I went to a top 5 US public university and even manifested myself to lead a large pre-med club on campus (I was a pre med student) before I knew Neville. I'm now very glad I chose to go my own route instead of medicine for several reasons beyond scope of this post but anyway.

• SP: Manifested my SP (gf) back in 2018 and we have a great relationship going on 6 years now (together since 2016). I focus more on self love and feeling I AM God rather than seeking it externally. My consciousness and inner connection is my source of sustenance.
  
• Honestly there are so many other crazy little things I can't possibly keep track. Every day I have synchronicities like crazy still. I don't give them much meaning but just take it to mean that I am aligned.
  

My best mental model/tips

• Delude yourself into knowing that imagination is MORE real than the 3d. The 3d is 'old news.' Meaning it's a shadow world. The real creation is happening in your imagination, and there is a time lag in this physical world.

Live in your imagination and tune out anything that does not serve keeping you in an optimal state where you feel in control. The more you focus on things that are meant to distract you or displease you, which state do you create from?

• I do SATS during the day, works fine for me, I don't think it matters much if day/night, but you need to do it. Follow a guided hypnosis session to get deeper into trance first if it helps.
  
• Act and trust deeply that life is leading you to what you want, and the meaning you give to events is literally what molds your future. Choose empowering meanings. Stop being a victim.
  

Make a resolve to never think of yourself as a victim of forces out there, the economy, evil people, whatever it is. You want to control your reality then act like it internally.

• Make a daily routine checklist and stick to it so you internally feel in control of your reality. Mine is: SATS or revision, meditate or breathwork, EFT or writing, cold shower, no phone in the morning, wake at 6am, and of course I exercise daily in some form. I use a spreadsheet to make sure I hit my routines for the day so I don't be a victim but rather stay in control. This is critical for me.
  
• As long as you occupy the realms of consciousness that you want, the result WILL come via downloads and hunches and thoughts, and insane physical things will happen that will 'seem like it would have happened anyway' so don't worry about the how.
  

Random Musings
The thing with manifesting is we sometimes take a passive route and wait for things to happen to us (and sure this is fine and still works), but think- if you don't grow your mental, emotional, skills container to deal with large amounts of money, or a team, or skills to sell and market and manage money... if you suddenly get 500K or 1M, how are you going to hold on to it?
If you lack personal power and execution skills, say you suddenly win 5M from the lottery, do you have the skills to keep it and make decisions at a level that can fluctuate several millions? It's stressful and requires thinking completely differently.
You have to 'stress test' your consciousness and expand your container.
I know that because I got hacked (stolen) ~70k it means nothing because the version of me who makes multi-7 figures a year deals with fluctuations of multi-6 figures in his portfolio all the time, it's part of the game. and I HAVE dealt with 6 figure fluctuations in my portfolio before this hack so it wasn't super new in that sense.
You know time is not real, it's all happening now, Creation is already finished, so you should also know that the way to 'hack' time is making decisions from a place of the future version of yourself you already are.
Make a commitment to stop playing small and settling for crumbs. Why would you get hung up on the one limited way your ego thinks that abundance has to manifest in your life, or love, instead of just feeling the emotions themselves, knowing it's done, and letting your life color it in in grander ways than you could have imagined.
Funny little manifestations and things happen literally every day that I just take it as reflections of me being in my creative power.
Something crazy/funny that happened was on our last trip, I told my girlfriend 'hey, how funny and weird would it be to see a parrot meowing?' - then next day we sit at a cafe and there is a parrot in a cage outside, meowing loudly. The most bizarre manifestation, I didn't even intend for it, just asked hey would it not be funny. Things like this happen so often, I can't keep track.
There is nothing new to learn. Just do the techniques and do self care rituals and get lost in your work. Feel the feeling of utter abundance and freedom now and it will happen.
We live in an advanced economy with the internet, it has never been easier to start or fund a business compared to even 50 years ago (see interest rates), distribution has never been easier, so if you know these tools, why would you not create the biggest dream you can imagine? Why settle for a free $200?
I realize there are levels people go through however so I don't mean to belittle, but now that I have been through so much and grown, I know there is nothing separating myself from multi millions and VC's and creators of large companies except belief, work, and time in this reality.
I have the knowledge, belief, and skills to not need a job if I don't want one. I can instead offer something to the market and be independent.
I'm telling you this stuff works and is sustainable. You can be as specific as you want and get whatever you want, and trust that with the turns life takes you through, it is a BRIDGE meant to turn you into the person to get and sustain what you say you want. Decide it and it is so.
I am someone who is a first generation American immigrant, my parents moved to the US from India when I was 5 and we had very little here. I grew up 'lower' middle class, and didn't have the best money programming from parents, but I always did well in school.
I KNOW I am going to be the first multi millionaire in my family. It's all in how you think about yourself/self concept and the work you do from that mindset. Do actions and shift your environment in accordance with who you want to be.
I always splurge on self care now and do things like fly business class or pay more for a better room because that's who I internally am. Just find a way to produce more and let it flow instead of shrinking yourself to be someone you’re not in your 4D
I don't try to scrimp and penny pinch, I let money flow. Even though getting stolen 70k was traumatic, oh well, I chose to give it a better, empowering meaning and my reality shifted.
That's all I have to say. Do the work. Stop procrastinating with learning. All the teachers, scripture, it's all the same Truth at the core. Learning is fine because you learn different mental models at different points of your life but you need to do the work.
I've been fortunate to not only have explored TONS of teachers and books in this realm, you name it I've probably read it or have a copy, I've also HAD mentors and WORKED directly under multi millionaires older and more experienced than me who know this work very well and knew Neville specifically, and it's the real deal. I did sales for someone in the online coaching space was was very well off and had decades of success and spoke of Neville very often, it was really cool.
Proof of the Law
I don't know what more proof you need that the Law is real. All religions throughout eternity have known this, Neville just distilled the same Truth through his own methods that work really well in my opinion and I personally love his interpretation of scripture.
The most successful people in the world are usually consciously (and some unconsciously) doing these same actions. Just do the work and focus on it coming from a good place of knowing that it's done. You don't need to know HOW but you just need to know the plane is going to somehow land one day.
I just come back to Neville every time, because his methods are simple and philosophies work well for how I think. I've done tons of psychedelic mushrooms over the years which luckily made me very open to this sort of thinking, before that I was very rigid and too '3d scientific' minded in my thinking. Keep in mind there is actually nothing 'unscientific' about the Law... modern science has its own limitations in that we cannot measure many things.
What used to be called magic in years past is now under the realm of science right? I'm not saying I don't value logic and science... I have a science degree from a top 5 university.
I'm just saying your ego mind which wants to keep you stuck and surviving uses the excuse of logic and science when that's actually not the full scope of how reality works, we are incredibly limited in our conscious understanding of reality.... we don't even know what we're doing here on a floating rock in infinite space and we can hardly see much of the light spectrum as it is.
So remember that when your ego tries to believe in your limitations and the 3d reality only. You being here is magic that even the most advanced science does not know the answer to. Do scientists know fundamentally why there is something at all instead of nothing?
Anyway, one more thing is I've never been shy of making relatively bold and fast decisions, investing in a mentor (for business) and just generally betting on myself.
Because getting around people who think bigger than you and don't settle is a hack and it's worth every penny. There is a reason millionaires hang with other millionaires.
I'm not saying to cut people out of your life (unless toxic) but rather to seek proximity and get around winners or pay to join some mastermind in business or whatever you need to do to network in your realm.
Just last week I invested 7.5k for get into a network of high performing young male entrepreneurs just because I want a better network in real life and work on business tactics and execution. When I was 23 I invested 25k that I did not have at the time (I made it happen and earned it back) to get a business mentor. So I use all of this in combo with Neville's methods primarily. I really like revision method as well.
The act of DECISION literally creates a parallel reality and becomes the new bridge to your manifestation.

So this guy and I have been texting for about 6 months. He DM’ed me on Instagram and got my phone number, we’ve been talking ever since. He lives in a different state. Let’s call him Jay.
During this time period, we’ve had 3 phone calls and text practically every day. The conversations never really get too deep. We’ll talk about random things but never about past relationships, childhood, etc. Therefore, I never really thought he was interested in me romantically, because other men I’ve spoken to often make it clear that they want to pursue me romantically.
Sometimes one of us (Jay and I) would stop texting for 1-2 days at a time, mostly on weekends, which is really just to take a breather from things. This is perfectly normal since it can be a lot to text everyday, all day without breaks. He has asked me to talk on the phone more often, but the evening hours are usually my “me time” where I smoke after work and just relax. He’s also asked to FaceTime, but I told him I’d prefer phone calls.
A few months ago, in January, I traveled to Jay’s state as my uncle also lives there and had been diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t tell Jay that I was in his city until I was already there, because in all honestly there was a lot going on with my uncles health, a lot for me to deal with and I wasn’t exactly in the right headspace. I came there just to visit my uncle. Jay understood this, but I think he was still a bit disappointed we didn’t get a chance to meet. We continued texting since January, but replies were sometimes delayed on both sides (not just on weekends).
Around the end of March, I was again going through a difficult time with family health issues and a new diagnosis of cancer regarding my dog. I stopped texting Jay, and he texted me a week later asking what was going on. I told him that it didn’t seem like he wanted to talk to me, since he was often taking a day or so to reply back. At this point he told me that if he didn’t “want to be my friend or whatever the case may be”, that he would let me know and not ghost me or anything like that. We continued texting. The key here is that he used the word “friend”, which further confirms on my end that he’s always viewed things platonically between us.
About 2 weeks ago, I casually asked Jay about his views on another man blocking/unblocking me and then reaching out to me. He gave some input on this, and then told me he doesn’t want to talk to me about other men, and that I should ask my girlfriends. A few days ago, I asked Jay if I should reach out to a man (the same one that blocked/unblocked me).
At this point, Jay told me he was going to “leave me alone” because he didn’t want to look dumb by communicating to me about this. I tried to talk to him about why he was saying this. I told him that he had friendzoned me, so it didn’t make sense why he was upset or acting this way about me bringing up another man. The conversation then turned into him asking me why I think he friendzoned me. He says that he never friendzoned me, and brought up the fact that I came to his state but didn’t see him or let him know beforehand that I was coming. He also mentioned how I’ve rejected phone calls from him or made up excuses about not wanting or being able to talk on the phone rather than texting. I told him that our conversations and the things we talk about, is what made me believe that it wasn’t anything romantic. Even during the phone conversations that we’ve had, we didn’t talk about deep things, only random superficial topics.
Basically he was telling me that he never friendzoned me and wanted to know how long I’ve been dealing with this other man. Jay hasn’t texted me back ever since last Saturday, and we had this little disagreement last Friday. I sent him a text yesterday (Tuesday) asking if we were alright, and he said yes, but he also hasn’t responded since yesterday morning. Did I misread this whole situation on whether he’s into me or not?
TL;DR this man (24 M) and I (26 F) have been texting for 6 months with few phone calls. We live in different states, and through our conversations it seemed platonic. However, he’s now ignoring me after I brought up another man 2 different times in a time span of 2 weeks. Did I misjudge his true feelings and intentions with me?

I have tried looking up lots of iterations of how long it takes a star to collapse and how long it takes a supernova to happen, but I can’t seem to find a satisfactory answer. I keep seeing that the core can collapse in less than a second, cool, and that the supernova can be visible for days or weeks, cool, but what about for the outer part of the star to actually get to the core or near enough to be where the real action is happening? For a supermassive star how long does it take the full star to collapse? Is this a process that starts years or even many years in advance and happens over time? Or the outer parts of the star not collapse till the core does?
What really spurred this question was a comment about how many of these stars have a radius that would extend to, or past, the orbit of planets in our solar system like Jupiter. That kind of got me thinking that at that distance the travel time for the star to collapse becomes non negligible, even if the physical process in the core could be nearly instant on the scale of a star. From just free falling it seems like it should be days or even months, even at the speed of light it’s minutes approaching an hour. Maybe I am just thinking about this all wrong, but I’d love to know what kind of timescale we are working with here.

I feel that this is a common problem that many people face. Working with fellow humans in a professional setting doesn’t guarantee that those humans will only see each other professionally.
Well, as the title says, I have a huge crush on someone I can’t have. He started at my organization about a year and a half ago and he’s just so great. He has a lovely wife and children that he loves very much. The thing is, even if he did feel a connection with me and tried to pursue anything, I’d immediately be disappointed that he’d actually betray his family. Ultimately, I believe I’d lose respect for him. My point is that, although I have a huge crush on him, I don’t want anything to actually happen given his situation. I just need to get these feelings off of my chest and “out there.” My best friend knows. Another friend, when super drunk one time, mentioned that he and I will end up together eventually and I was just so thrown off because I never mentioned liking him to her. I have a close friend at work who tells me a lot of personal things and I’ve come close to getting this off of my chest to her, but I’ve been super hesitant to. She’s married and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I have a gut feeling that she kinda knows, though, given how I talk about him. I find myself cringing when I bring him up because it feels obvious. However, we work at a relatively small place and my immediate branch, in which I work with my crush, consists of three of us and our couple of bosses. I’ve never had a crush on any of my other colleagues like this in the 10 years I’ve worked there. I’ve found some coworkers cute but that’s about it.
As mentioned, he started a year and a half ago (ish). When he was introduced via email, I didn’t think of him much and was busy with my own stuff. I actually went on multiple vacations around the time he started so I didn’t meet him in person until actually a couple of months in. I did attend a virtual meeting he was in before meeting in person and had that “oh, fuck” thought. Like “I am fucked” lol. He is exactly my preference looks-wise and felt that it might be a problem even then. Moving on to meeting in person and showing him around, I was immediately taken aback by how attracted I actually was to him. It was so much more intense in person. I should mention he’s about a decade older than me (I’m 33F) and was a professor. Also completely my type as I’ve always been the college student crushing on some teachers a bit. So, not only is this man my preference looks-wise (brunette, hairy, kinda short, curly hair), but also my preference personality-wise . I’m just glad he had Invisalign because I saw pics of him prior to getting it and he had the cutest slight snaggletooth and fangs that would’ve additionally melted me.
Not only does he have the looks I’m attracted to, which only means so much to me as the impact dissipates pretty quickly when that’s all that’s there, but we get along swimmingly. For context, we do end up traveling together on long car rides. Not constantly but also not infrequently. We end up talking a lot and about personal things. He’s confided in me about going through crying spells and feeling overwhelmed with life, about having adhd (as do i), and family stuff (his parents). Those are just some topics. I’ve divulged… a lot. He wants to protect me when going places. I believe he’s just genuinely an amazing person and would do this for anyone. I have zero idea if he has any attraction to me and I don’t need to know. I do have a gut feeling that he feels a connection to me, though. There are plenty of other people he can ask for help from, but constantly comes to me first. We work really, really well together. We presented at the same conference recently and a colleague in a different department specifically commented on he and I being great presenters. I do not feel this way about myself but wanted to share the kind words said about him. He was very appreciative and also was a bit flabbergasted that I didn’t feel I’m good at presenting and complimented me and provided reassurance I wasn’t expecting.
We also mutually got in trouble (but not really) for pulling a small prank on other coworkers. That’s a long story that would provide too much identifiable information, but it ended with my boss giggling about it. It was my crush’s idea to pull the prank which spoke to my heart as a bit of a jester myself.
I think i struggle the most with keeping it a secret. I might be obvious in my attraction but not sure. I really hope to feel this strong attraction and connection with someone available sometime. I sometimes want to cry when he does or says something endearing or awkward because the cute aggression can feel overwhelming. It’s also partly because of the pent-up feelings/energy have nowhere to really go, hence why I am here. I have no idea what to expect, if anything, in the replies.
TLDR; I have a huge secret crush on coworker that is happily married. I don’t want anything to happen given his commitments but find myself with pent-up feelings. I am so happy to love people i work with, but it feels as if there’s more there that can’t be expressed. I would lose respect for him if he were to ever make a move while married yet I feel the way I do. I am posting here to release some of these thoughts and energy.

Before you read!
I'm 23.
The guy I'm dating right now NOT the narcissist, he's 24, I had a crush on him from 2018-2020, reconnected in 2023.
My ex The narcissist, he's 21, lied that he's 23. Cheated multiple times, lied about everything, assaulted, I could go on and on. Cheated in December 2022.
His ex He dated her from 2020 and got cheated on in 2021 December. She's 23. She's married now and even named her son after the guy I'm dating.
His girl bestfriend Supported him after the breakup throughout 2022 so he liked her in mid 2022. She's 23.
His bestfriend They've always been friends since childhood.
His bestfriend's girlfriend She's a nice girl but she is friends with his girl bestfriend.
Now here's what's the issue,
I reconnected with my crush from 2018-2020 in March 2023, fell for him again, I confessed for the first time about it all in June 2023. He confessed that he liked me in 2018, but he moved on in 2019 because he thought I didn't like him back. We fell for each other but didn't make it official though we acted like a couple because I was healing (from being cheated on in 2022) and I was honest about it. I started wanting commitment by February 2024.
In April 2024 he confessed that he had feelings for his girl bestfriend throughout 2022 because she was there for him after his breakup (when he got cheated on in 2021). However I wasn't comfortable as he didn't give me commitment because of him healing from her, he didn't confess it earlier. He told me they cut contact in February 2024. I know her personally, she was my classmate in 2017. She is a very nice person.
I am uncomfortable because he had feelings for her. He didn't give me commitment earlier (though we were talking from June 2023) because he was healing from her. He knew things won't work out with her in 2022 and she never liked him back. They had decided to stay friends because he knew his future partner would be uncomfortable and her future partner would be uncomfortable as well. He told me his best friend cut her off as well because of a fight and his best friend's girlfriend is still friends with him.
During the first date I saw a text message from the girl bestfriend he claimed that he blocked. She said "How was the date?". Then he told me that his friends told her we went on a date. He showed me the chat that there was no flirting involved. After I went home I started complaining and he blocked her.
He said they never talk, he forgot to block her on snap and so now he did. But I feel something so uneasy. He said he had her blocked on instagram and whatsapp.
He paid for the date, he travelled a long way (12 hours) to meet me, he dropped me, he was sick, he did everything, and then this. Also he's been putting in a lot of effort since July 2023. He told me his focus was on me all along and he knew things won't work out with her in 2022 because she never liked him back.
All I know is that he is 1000% better than my ex. My ex never respected my boundaries, cheated multiple times and even assaulted me, isolated me, controlled me, talked down on me. So compared to that, this feels like heaven, this guy replies to every part of the paragraph, there's genuine changed behaviour everytime I bring up something I'm uncomfortable with ever since last year.
How to move forward? Breakup or date him? Is he a green flag because he immediately blocked her and is so focused on me or is he a red flag? What should I interpret? How to understand? Does he really like me? Should I bring it up again

The following is my ideal start to the sequel. I apologize in advance for the parentheses.
The MC is awakened by a knock at the door.
Either Amit, Poppy, or Gareth (depending on the MC's house) enter the room, saying something along the lines of
"Sorry, I didn't wake you did I?"
We discover that the MC has been staying at one of the above characters' houses for Summer Break, due to the MC being an orphan (set up MC backstory).
The MC and other character go downstairs for breakfast with the other character's family. (A lot of this takes inspiration from Harry's time at the Burrow) An owl arrives with a letter for school supplies.
It is decided that they will all go to Diagon Alley the next day. However, first things first- house chores!
Depending on the house of the MC, the chores will vary. I even imagine de-gnoming could be a possibility if with the Weasleys.
After completion of the chores, the player is given the option to explore the house and yard before ending the day. The next morning the player and family go to Diagon Alley via Flu Powder. The player is free to explore Diagon Alley, including Gringotts, where they may set up an account. There will also be an option to buy a broom and/or a wand, each with varying potentials (speed, power, etc.) However, the funds will be limited, so choices will have to be made. There will be some unique products available for purchase in Diagon Alley, which the player may have a second chance to buy during the Winter break, when they will have the option to stay at the Leaky Cauldron or at an empty Hogwarts, each with their own possible benefit.
Upon returning to the house from Diagon Alley, a bit of fun begins.
Depending on which house the MC is staying at, this bit will differ.
If staying with the Weasleys, MC will play a 2-on-2 quidditch game (with just a quaffle, I believe)
If staying with Amit, perhaps a flight to a nearby hill for some star gazing.
If staying with Poppy...maybe like following unicorn tracks, ending in a unicorn ride through the woods??
Alas, thus the fun ends and it is time to prepare for the next day's journey to Hogwarts.
(It would be cool if each family had a different way to get to Kings Cross- broom flight, portkey, floo powder? This could also be a quest in itself)
The MC walks through platform 9 3/4 and gets the opportunity to wander around briefly, before the train whistle and a voice warns of its nearing departure.
The MC, along with the other character, boards the Hogwarts Express. After checking around various compartments and perhaps getting refused by some antagonizing students, the MC finds an open compartment to sit in. After a brief conversation and perhaps some new character introductions, the MC gets the chance to buy some things from the trolley and can wonder around the train. There could be some sort of quest (finding a student's lost belonging? Stopping some older students from bullying anxious first years?) before the train begins its approach to Hogsmeade Station (Ideally the player could control how long or short the train ride lasts).
The students exit the train and the camera might show a mysterious hooded figure watching from a bench on the other platform. We might get a cut scene of the carriages trek to the school (and in said process, we might see/hear a glimpse of something worrisome through the trees.) We enter the great hall for the sorting ceremony. We watch the ceremony and notice something unusual with one of the students (perhaps something sinister even--random thought, what if the student were actually a powerful dark wizard who had used the polyjuice potion to take on the appearance of a student in order to infiltrate Hogwarts), like the hat announcing the student's house before the student even sits down (eg. Draco). This student may or may not be a potential antagonist.
We get the chance to converse with just about all of our housemates, with more lengthy conversations with students in our own year. (Along with the train ride, this is an opportunity for relationship building) We also get to eat the variety of foods that have appeared on the table. We then get some school announcements from the headmaster, including but not limited to the try out dates for Quidditch. After the announcements, the feast is brought to a close, and house prefects guide the first years to their respective houses (and in this process, the MC might catch the unusual first year looking at them as they exit the Hall).
The MC then heads to their common room along with the other students. The player gets to explore the common room and interact with it magically (lighting fireplace, accio-ing books etc.), maybe eventually getting scolded by some older students, a ghost or a prefect. Also, the bulletin board lists some possible quests to be done on a later date. There are also NPCs with whom the MC can play exploding snap and wizards chess with in the common room. (Gobstones would be available to play outside)
The player is free to stay in the common room, but with all of the other students eventually heading up to their rooms, the player will naturally wish to do so as well. Upon going up to the bedroom, they will join in on a brief conversation with their roommates about the next day's classes etc. Then, the player will get to sleep in their bed, to get some rest before the start of a new school year.

It doesn't makes any sense. They limit the users by blocking it, ask x to delete the posts, they refuse, they don't unblock it, pretend they never blocked it and keep tweeting?
Under every post, people have beautiful words written, describing their stance. How long can they turn a blind eye towards it?
Is the future really blocking off social media and building the great firewall for Pakistan?

Hey all,
I finished up my LAMS period last year, and I'm starting to feel like I'm at the limit of what I can get out of a 300cc.
I've only ever ridden small displacement bikes, after the CB125E that HART use for training, I moved to a Ninja 300 which I owned for a few years, then I moved to an MT-03 (I wanted to have a naked for a bit, get a taste for all sides of life) after the covid lockdowns.
I'm in a bit of a strange spot of what sort of bike I'm looking for. I can't have a car where I live (nowhere to put it) so I need something reliable and comfortable enough to commute daily on. I go through the Ivanhoe/Chandler Highway sort of area every day, so I'm looking for something manuverable enough to lane filter easily on, while having a bit more go than a 300cc for the stop-start-stop traffic. On the other end of things, I travel out to Ringwood once a week down the Eastlink at night, and I have family out in Melton, which takes me via the Western Ring Road and Melton Highway, both of which are less than comfortable on a low powered naked bike, expecially in the colder months.
With that context in mind, I'd like to get something with fairings again (I never realised how much they helped the Ninja 300 until I bought the MT-03). I'd like something quicker and more comfortable for freeways and the occasional twisty road, while not being so fast that it'll get me into trouble. I'd like a bike I can use the power of, rather than a 1000cc where I know I'll barely touch more than 40% of the horsepower while I own it.
The options I'm looking at currently are the Yamaha R7-HO, the Suzuki GSX-8R, and the Triumph Daytona 660.
The R7 seems to tick a lot of the boxes, but I'm concerned about the long term comfort of it. The GSX-8R is the largest, widest, and heaviest of the three but seems like it comes with the most features. The Daytona would definitely be the fastest of the bunch, and the ergos seem okay, but is it too much bike for what I'm after?
Any other general advice for someone moving out of the 300cc class would also be greatly appreciated.

Hi! I apologize in advance for the long post. Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide, abuse, and eating disorders (the latter will be very mild).
I (19NB) have been with my girlfriend (20F) for about two and a half years; the relationship started out really well, both of us have prior trauma and struggle with mental health but we were kind of building off of each other for a long time. I went into it very emotionally constipated and as a horrific people pleaser; she went into it very insecure and super scared of me cheating. For the first year to year and a half it was a lot of lifting each other up, she'd reassure me that she'd listen to anything I needed and I reassured her that she would never have to worry about me cheating. There was more to it as well; at least on my side, I had a really bad eating disorder and she was the driving force for me to recover (she always reassured me that she liked my body, preferred for me to be healthy and that it didn't affect her perception of me, etc), was generally really sweet to me in the day-to-day, and was honestly everything I was looking for in a partner up until that point- I'm not someone that is attracted to people based on looks at all (either asexual spectrum or due to sexual trauma when I was a child- I'm also pretty sure I'm neurodivergent but never had the ability to get diagnosed; this will be important later) but she has been the one person I can really say I find attractive. I can think people look "cool" or "interesting" but she's genuinely so beautiful to me in a way that I've never felt for anyone else before. Personality-wise as well, she seemed perfect from the get-go- we always clicked in interactions, she'd reassure me without me asking for it and was interested in everything I had to say, etc. One big thing for me in the beginning was kind of silly but I feel like it's important for me to say; she plays games a lot, and every time we'd call each other and she'd get mad at whatever she was playing she would specifically lower her voice to talk to me. She could be halfway through yelling "what the fuck" at her computer but as soon as I said something to her she'd make herself sound as comforting as possible. This was a really big thing for me; my upbringing was very rough and both of my parents are prone to fits of anger (to the point of it getting physical very often) so I get very uncomfortable when people are visibly angry towards me. This is a big reason why I struggled with people-pleasing; as soon as someone gets upset with me I feel genuine terror, so I would try to avoid it as much as possible. I brought it up once and she said she didn't even realize she did it; the fact that she knew that about me and subconsciously made sure to try not to scare me was such a huge thing I loved about her. I was very used to people taking advantage of the fact that I was bad with boundaries, etc so having her act so comforting towards me with seemingly no ill intentions made me fall really deeply for her.
All of this changed last year- mostly in the summer but it kind of all started with her sleeping through our Valentines Day date. I couldn't even name everything she did but the main theme is that she let her insecurities get ahold of her. She would get upset with me over my clothing choices (stuff like shorts and a t-shirt in summer; it felt really reminiscent to victim blaming, like I must want sex if I wear shorts), literally just having friends, she'd snap at me all the time when she was slightly frustrated over her games (remember what I said earlier), literally anything became a reason for her to get horrifically angry at me. It was around this time that I decided to look into her prior dating history more and I learned pretty quickly that she used to be a serial cheater in different relationships (although her partners were really badly abusive and they cheated first, so I didn't think of it as a dealbreaker). She stopped reassuring me or speaking to me nicely, and also had a really big issue of doing things "back" (if I did anything that made her insecure, she'd do it 10x worse instead of talking to me about it). I mentioned having a side Reddit account once (this one) and she made a private Twitter and added all of her friends onto it except for me, and didn't tell me about it, just posted screenshots of it until I put 2 and 2 together. She also got upset after finding out that the person that groomed me is a trans girl (she's a trans girl too) and would ask me questions about whether I liked her (MY GROOMER!!!!!!!!) better. She'd do this stuff and then, when questioned about it, start agreeing with me and calling herself "undateable", etc, so I'd reassure her that she wasn't and ask her to "carry" the relationship for a bit since I thought she understood my side; by this I just meant being extra nice to me for a week or so (like when dudes get in a fight with their girlfriend and buy them flowers and talk to them more sweetly for awhile, not anything crazy), but I never really got that from her. Everything came to a head when she texted me saying she "couldn't do this anymore" and sent me a bunch of screenshots of her friendgroup telling her I was "just like her exes", "a master manipulator" etc. Their main reasons for the accusations were that I was "too secretive" (which I really don't think is true; I tend to want some baseline privacy in a relationship but she didn't even allow me that much- she'd join any public Discord servers I mentioned being in and told her I'd rather she didn't join on alts, etc, and even told me the stuff she'd find me saying wasn't bad and she was happy about it) and "accuse her of cheating too much", which.. Really. My side was honestly mostly just asking for reassurance since she completely stopped giving me it, her side was literally driving me to cut off all of my friends other than four people because I was scared she'd get upset with me again and also led to feel intense guilt for talking to. This whole thing also happened within a month of both my most recent suicide attempt (I had been going through a lot) and my parents wanting to kick me out (my mom is very mentally unwell and convinced herself that I had been prostituting myself- definitely not true to any degree. It got to the point where I had someone I decided to stay with and all my bags were packed). We didn't end up breaking up at this point.
So, fast forward to this year. She stopped doing a lot of the worse behaviors directly but we've still been fighting. My dad had been getting sicker and sicker- he already was pretty bad but he refused to see a doctor because my mom convinced him doctors are evil, the government made COVID in a lab!!!!, etc. It got to the point where he was slurring all his words, hallucinating, and unable to stand, and my mom called my out-of-state uncle who called an ambulance. I was, obviously, on my uncle's side, my mom was hysterical saying that the hospital is going to kill him and I'm with them, but my dad was stable at least. It turned out he had multiple small strokes. They did bloodwork and he's HIV+. They ended up diagnosing him with AIDs and dementia.
My relationship with my dad is very, very, very complicated. He was always the "better" parent but a horrible parent on his own. He'd agree with me in private but defend my mom whenever she was in the room, and as her mental health got worse he believed everything she told him. He used to tell me he'd leave her and take me with him, that he knew she was horrible and he never wanted her to do what she did to me, etc, but he still supported her. When things got bad between us he was a perpetrator as well. More recently he stopped trying to appeal to me at all and just entirely took her side on everything. I couldn't deal with any of it- I didn't have a room for a long, long time (I think until I was 15 or 16?) but as soon as I got one I just started locking myself in all day. I love my dad, but all he ever did was disappoint me. I couldn't bear to see him let himself get destroyed by my mom, and I just kind of decided not to- so this situation has been fucking me UP. He's currently fully conscious, my uncle flew over for a bit and had to fly back since he has kids but my dad fully took my mom's side, is refusing medications, etc. My mom and my uncle have been fighting over me constantly. I don't really want to do any of this shit but I have to, because as much as my dad let me down I don't want him to die. I was in the hospital all day and night for the first few days, I had to sleep on the benches in the emergency room waiting room since my dad was in a male room and they wouldn't allow me to stay past visiting hours. I was constantly pulling aside doctors and nurses and telling them to listen to me because my mom was trying to convince them he was just in there because he was "exhausted" or "wouldn't eat enough" and constantly lying about his condition. My uncle has good intentions but he's kind of heavy handed with certain stuff; he wants me to move in with him (I want to as well but you can imagine it's a tricky situation) and he always asks me to choose a side when they fight. My mom has been trying to convince me he's a rapist- I usually try to believe victims, but she also tried to tell me that I'm a prostitute, and she's definitely not a reliable person to listen to. I'm kind of just at an in-between where I don't believe her but I can't feel fully comfortable around him either since I have some bad past experiences surrounding that kind of thing.
About four days after my dad got hospitalized (?) and about a week and a half before my 19th birthday, my girlfriend texts me to tell me she's too exhausted to be with me anymore. The main reason was that I was constantly upset between the way the relationship was going and my dad being in the hospital. We worked something out but it's just been downhill since then, I can't be upset around her over anything without her turning it into a fight (literally while I am in the middle of crying, about how I get upset too much). As for the more recent weeks, she has completely stopped giving me ANYTHING- forget reassurance, she barely says I love you anymore, responds to long text messages with one sentence, etc. Her justification for this is that she feels unsafe with me. Her reasoning for this is:

1. I have had a habit of liking posts that made her insecure. This is where the lack of looks-based attraction comes in. I tend to like posts without really thinking about it too much, and sometimes I like thirst traps without realizing, since I'm not someone that thirsts after people like that. If I see someone in a cool outfit dancing it's going to be hard for me to say "this is a thirst trap" because I'm not thinking about it like that, I'm just going to see it and think "wow, cool outfit" and like the post. Then she'll see it and get upset with me. This is something I've been working on and cut down to a large degree, but certain stuff gets past me (photoshoots with a set concept, etc). She has tried to tell me that I DO actually experience looks-based attraction, which is kind of crazy because I know what I experience so she can't convince me otherwise ??? I don't know. I've also told her to send me any post that I liked that makes her insecure so I can learn what I have to look out for better, but she doesn't really do that, and I can't really know what'll make her upset unless she tells me. This is also an issue that SHE HAS AS WELL
   
2. She looked through one of my friend's followings and found a bunch of model's accounts, and says it's disrespectful that I "hang out with porn addicts". She plays Osu and is active in the community. Also has an issue with another one of my friends that I met on a Roblox bar game (she has worded it like I was literally giving out my contact at a real life bar, which I would understand being uncomfortable with, but dude it's literally Roblox). Also considers it a huge breach of trust that I mentioned getting gender envy from a Twitter mutual (I know how chronically online all of this sounds and I'm sorry). She'll ask me "isn't that a trans girl", "are they assigned male at birth" about my friends which is kind of just crazy? I don't know. I don't have a history of serially dating trans women or anything like that other than the groomer (which I don't think should count??????????) and I used to identify as lesbian for years- most of my exes are FTM and transitioned after dating me, which also shouldn't really matter??? I just think her fixation on me cheating on her with someone that's AMAB is kind of weird and unprompted
   

So I'm at a point where any time I ask her for ANYTHING it's just met with the response of her not being comfortable with me anymore. I can't hang out with any of my friends without her looking through their whole history and finding something about them that makes me "basically a cheater" for befriending them. I had to distance myself from a very close friend because of her once because he said "it's like we're one and the same" to me, and that if we went to a shitty hangout spot he'd still enjoy it "because it's me". She tells me to this day that remembering this stuff makes her physically sick but it truly was just innocent friendly conversation- we're both South Asian, like a lot of the same games, and have issues with abusive parents so we got along really well, and that was also why he said the thing about us being similar. I've been asking her over and over what I can do to make her feel better but she won't give me an answer.
She also told me today that I was bringing up her sexual trauma and that she's currently repulsed by the idea of sex altogether- I asked her why and she said it was because of the reasons I gave above. I'm at a loss. I'm clearly very fed up with this whole thing but I still am attached to her and love her a lot, and I definitely don't think I can go through a breakup right now with everything else going on in my life, even though you could argue it's like we already broke up. I really just don't know. It's been horrible watching her go from the perfect partner to this huge ball of insecurity and I don't know how to fix it nor how to let go. I don't have a lot of options, either- I've been almost completely socially isolated since I was a middle schooler, my parents pulled me out of public school and had me doing dual enrollment community college/homeschool. I don't have a strong support system at all, I can't get a therapist, I'm not allowed to get a job, the list just goes on and on and everything kind of just points to me being fucked

I feel that this is a common problem that many people face. Working with fellow humans in a professional setting doesn’t guarantee that those humans will only see each other professionally.
Well, as the title says, I have a huge crush on someone I can’t have. He started at my organization about a year and a half ago and he’s just so great. He has a lovely wife and children that he loves very much. The thing is, even if he did feel a connection with me and tried to pursue anything, I’d immediately be disappointed that he’d actually betray his family. Ultimately, I believe I’d lose respect for him. My point is that, although I have a huge crush on him, I don’t want anything to actually happen given his situation. I just need to get these feelings off of my chest and “out there.” My best friend knows. Another friend, when super drunk one time, mentioned that he and I will end up together eventually and I was just so thrown off because I never mentioned liking him to her. I have a close friend at work who tells me a lot of personal things and I’ve come close to getting this off of my chest to her, but I’ve been super hesitant to. She’s married and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I have a gut feeling that she kinda knows, though, given how I talk about him. I find myself cringing when I bring him up because it feels obvious. However, we work at a relatively small place and my immediate branch, in which I work with my crush, consists of three of us and our couple of bosses. I’ve never had a crush on any of my other colleagues like this in the 10 years I’ve worked there. I’ve found some coworkers cute but that’s about it.
As mentioned, he started a year and a half ago (ish). When he was introduced via email, I didn’t think of him much and was busy with my own stuff. I actually went on multiple vacations around the time he started so I didn’t meet him in person until actually a couple of months in. I did attend a virtual meeting he was in before meeting in person and had that “oh, fuck” thought. Like “I am fucked” lol. He is exactly my preference looks-wise and felt that it might be a problem even then. Moving on to meeting in person and showing him around, I was immediately taken aback by how attracted I actually was to him. It was so much more intense in person. I should mention he’s about a decade older than me (I’m 33F) and was a professor. Also completely my type as I’ve always been the college student crushing on some teachers a bit. So, not only is this man my preference looks-wise (brunette, hairy, kinda short, curly hair), but also my preference personality-wise . I’m just glad he had Invisalign because I saw pics of him prior to getting it and he had the cutest slight snaggletooth and fangs that would’ve additionally melted me.
Not only does he have the looks I’m attracted to, which only means so much to me as the impact dissipates pretty quickly when that’s all that’s there, but we get along swimmingly. For context, we do end up traveling together on long car rides. Not constantly but also not infrequently. We end up talking a lot and about personal things. He’s confided in me about going through crying spells and feeling overwhelmed with life, about having adhd (as do i), and family stuff (his parents). Those are just some topics. I’ve divulged… a lot. He wants to protect me when going places. I believe he’s just genuinely an amazing person and would do this for anyone. I have zero idea if he has any attraction to me and I don’t need to know. I do have a gut feeling that he feels a connection to me, though. There are plenty of other people he can ask for help from, but constantly comes to me first. We work really, really well together. We presented at the same conference recently and a colleague in a different department specifically commented on he and I being great presenters. I do not feel this way about myself but wanted to share the kind words said about him. He was very appreciative and also was a bit flabbergasted that I didn’t feel I’m good at presenting and complimented me and provided reassurance I wasn’t expecting.
We also mutually got in trouble (but not really) for pulling a small prank on other coworkers. That’s a long story that would provide too much identifiable information, but it ended with my boss giggling about it. It was my crush’s idea to pull the prank which spoke to my heart as a bit of a jester myself.
I think i struggle the most with keeping it a secret. I might be obvious in my attraction but not sure. I really hope to feel this strong attraction and connection with someone available sometime. I sometimes want to cry when he does or says something endearing or awkward because the cute aggression can feel overwhelming. It’s also partly because of the pent-up feelings/energy have nowhere to really go, hence why I am here. I have no idea what to expect, if anything, in the replies.
TLDR; I have a huge secret crush on coworker that is happily married. I don’t want anything to happen given his commitments but find myself with pent-up feelings. I am so happy to love people i work with, but it feels as if there’s more there that can’t be expressed. I would lose respect for him if he were to ever make a move while married yet I feel the way I do. I am posting here to release some of these thoughts and energy.

My older brother is my parent's favorite. It's always been this way. Now he's married and they have a baby together. I've lived my entire life in my brother's shadow. My parents support him more, talk to him more, care about him more, prioritize him more, loan him money that I sure as hell never got, help him with his retirement account and adult advice stuff more, all the things more than the other 3 children they have. What is interesting is the 3 of us are really struggling in life however my brother is doing really well, has a great job, and seemingly a great life with his family. But hey I dunno I'm just on the outside and the one that isn't the favorite.
My parents built a house 3 mins from my brother's house. Recently, I spent $700 to visit my parent's new house and try to take a budget vacation because it is located 20 mins from the beach. My brother and his wife totally took advantage of my mom and had her cook them food, take care of their baby, all this crap. My mom just did it. No one cared that I was a guest or visiting for 4 days trying to take a very-needed vacation and spend time with my mom. My brother owns two houses but they decided to basically move in to my parents house while I was there, and not because I was in town. It was all. about. them. Per usual. My brother didn't care his wife didn't care my mom didn't care (my dad wasn't there.) There are more details but this post will get too long.
It dawned on me on this trip that this is likely why I've always struggled with self-worth issues. I've always been interacted with in a way where my simple existence is just not good enough. Even when I used to try really hard that was never good enough either. This favoritism has not changed and has amplified with my parent's favorite daughter in law and grandchild. I first told my parents my feelings, calmly. They dismissed them and told me no I'm wrong. I told my mom separately again, she dismissed my point of view. She would continue to text or call me sometimes pretending everything was normal and like I never said anything and just to talk (aka my feelings don't exist again.) So today I reiterated to her which turned into an explosive argument that I have felt deprioritized my entire life and that trip it became so clear to me that no matter what even if you love me if my brother and/or his wife are in a 60 mile radius, they will take any and all attention and I will be dropped like a hot potato no matter how far I travel to enjoy spending time with my parent. I was told that I was wrong and lot of other things which did not sound like acknowledgement. "I'm sorry you feel that way." Was the closest I got. I have no interest in continuing a damaging relationship that causes further harm when I am treated like a second class citizen anytime the favorites are around. No Christmas, no phone calls, no texts, no stupid family group chat they invited the favorite in law into. F it. They know I feel like this, and still dismiss my feelings. My mom cried a little when I told her I have no interest in continuing communication, but she still didn't acknowledge anyway that I felt. This hurts me to not speak with her anymore.
Would you cut them off?

Cigarettes and rebellion have always gone hand-in-hand, and in an age of cigarette packet-sized health warnings, now more than ever, smoking a fag says: 'I do not give a fuck.' But if Brandon Flowers is hoping to strike a seditious pose by sparking up at the start of the interview, it's not going according to plan. The Killers' frontman is on all fours rooting through the junk that carpets the anteroom at the band's rehearsal space. "Has anyone seen my lighter?" he asks, rocking back on his heels. The question hangs in the air while Brandon cocks his head, waiting for an answer like a meerkat listening for a predator. Twenty-five years old and with a delicate bone structure, there's something almost dainty about him. Receiving no response, he returns to his search. "Oh, Jeez," he sighs. "I had it just a minute ago."
It's a scene that emphatically does not suggest a rebel without a cause. The mess isn't helping. The Killers' HQ - an industrial unit sandwiched between a construction supplier and the offices of a housing development just off Dean Martin Drive in West Las Vegas - is ankle-deep in designer clothing. A Dior Homme suit lies crumpled by the door; there's a pile of shoes topped like a sundae by a pair of Marc Jacobs trainers; and anyone wishing to enter the shoebox room the band use as an office must negotiate a mountain of discarded jeans. Many items are identifiable as coming from the wardrobe of Hot Fuss, The Killers' hugely successful 2004 debut album - triple platinum in the UK with two weeks at Number One and five million sold worldwide. Look! There are the shirts, ties and suit jackets they wore when they thrilled Glastonbury 2005 with indie rock anthems Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me. That was the crowning moment of a two-and-a-half year tour that finally concluded in October of last year. It seems that after playing that final date in Miami, they returned to Vegas and shrugged off their image onto the floor of this bland white box.
Now a fine layer of dust covers the dead clothes. The Killers have no further use for white tuxedos on their second album, Sam's Town. Today, Brandon wears a black polo shirt, black pin-stripe waistcoat, black jeans and black boots. Where there used to be a layer of foundation, there is now a beard - an untrimmed beard at that. Dave Keuning (30, guitar), Mark Stoermer (29, bass) and Ronnie Vannucci (29, drums) all echo Brandon's black ensemble. Ronnie has added Aviator shades and a handlebar moustache for a dash of motorcycle cop, Dave's frizzy bubble of hair gives him a Marc Bolan-ish air, and there's something very teenage about Mark's scuffed Vans.
Short of walking around wearing sandwich boards saying, "Our new record is a bit heavier than the last one," The Killers couldn't hope to communicate that message more effectively. And they have gained some musical girth on Sam's Town. The pop hooks that made Hot Fuss so irresistible survive intact - see the ringing guitar riffs on first single When You Were Young - but there's a newfound punchiness, coupled with an epic sweep. The minor-to-major uplifts on Bones are fabulously dramatic, the coda to Why Do I Keep Counting? thrillingly intense. Comparisons to Bruce Springsteen have been made. If they overstate the case a little, they are at leaset qualitatively accurate. The Killers are back and this time it's serious - they've got the bootlace ties to prove it.
"Hey, it says here that Springsteen's headlining Glastonbury next year," shouts Ronnie, who's flicking through the NME. He nods sagely at the page without looking up.
"Really?" asks Dave, nicknamed Crazy Dave on account of his alledgedly volatile nature.
"The Boss is headlining one night, we're playing second on the bill the next night and Kylie's headlining the Sunday," says Brandon, charging like a bull through Michael Eavis' as-yet-unannounced line-up with what subsequently proves to be a characteristic gaucheness.
But that lighter is proving elusive. This being America, none of the people hurrying to-and-fro prepping the world for the release of Sam's Town smokes. Manager Robert Reynolds - Bobby Rey to the band - barks into his mobile, booking his band onto eye-wateringly demanding tours. "We're going to make a lot of money," he cackles to himself before switching calls to make a series of stern pronouncements on legal matters. Dave, Mark and Ronnie disappear for a jam session. Artwork is approved, B-sides are decided on and schedules are hammered out.
"I can't find it," Brandon says, finally. But he's not going to be denied the opportunity to underline The Killers reinvention with a puff of smoke. "Let's go to the gas station. I'll have to buy one. It's too busy to talk here anyway."
+
Brandon's black (of course) Volkswagen Touraeg four-wheel drive is barrelling down West Flamingo Road into town. "I was a bell boy there," he says, pointing out of the driver's window at the stucco facade of the Gold Coast casino. "I was working there when we were signed."
Coming from Las Vegas, it is perhaps inevitable that casinos play a big part in The Killers' story; not only is Sam's Town named after one, it was recorded in one, too.
The band began writing songs while on the road with Hot Fuss, turning up early for soundchecks to run through new ideas. On a trip home to Vegas, George Maloof, a hotelier known for cultivating famous friends, invited them to record the album in the new studio he'd built at The Palms, his flagship hotel-cum-gambling den. When the tour finished in October 2005, they returned to Vegas and spent five month finessing the songs they'd sketched out on the road. Then, in February, they decampled to the third floor studio at The Palms and recorded Sam's Town over 11 weeks.
Producer Flood (U2, Depeche Mode) encouraged them to experiment. They overdubbed, fiddled with synthesizers and played with new equipment. It took them five weeks to get the backing vocals right. The band sang the harmonies, then double-tracked them four times. The end result recalls Queen wondering, "Is this is the real life? Is this just fantasy?" When Ronnie, a trained classical percussionist, brought some kettledrums down, eyebrows were raised; but the fabulously bombastic coda on Why Do I Keep Counting? vindicates his indulgence.
"That's kind of the Ben Hur of the album," he says. He's not wrong. Sam's Town is a record on an epic scale. "Yeah, it has drama," he continues. "But, at the same time, I think it's a little more exposed than Hot Fuss. It's a little more naked. Last time it was about a lot of fictional things." By "fictional", Ronnie means that Hot Fuss wore its predominantly British influences for all to see. Brandon's taste in music is rabidly Anglophile - he constantly references The Smiths, The Cure and Joy Division - and it showed. By contrast, Sam's Town is an unequivocally American record. The lyrical imagery is pure American dream - cars, girls, wide-open spaces and escaping to a better life. "We're burning down the highway skyline/On the back of a hurricane that started turning/When you were young," sings Brandon on When You Were Young. That's the basis of the Springsteen comparisons then, though the lack of pathos more closely recalls another blue-collar rocker from New Jersey - Jon Bon Jovi.
The phrase "this town" recurs throughout the album, and it's always receding into the distance as The Killers escape to a new life. "This town was made for passing through/I never did get along with everybody else," sings Brandon on This River Is Wild. On Read My Mind he "never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town", while on the title track he offers something of an explanation: "Nobody ever had a dream round here."
"With the first record, there was this feeling that there was this world out there that we didn't know," says Mark later in the day. Before The Killers, he studied philosophy: now he's their quiet one. "We wanted to get out and away from this and be somewhere else. We hadn't had a lot of experience - hadn't travelled much - then we were gone for three years. We didn't sit down and say that we wanted to make a record about how we're glad to be home, but that's what happened naturally."
It's not an angsty record. The Killers have already escaped with Hot Fuss, and, having done so, they view the experience fondly now they're back. There's a mistiness to Brandon's eyes as he explains how the album got it's name.
"Sam's Town is a casino on the edge of Vegas," he says. "I grew up in Henderson, which is out on the way to the Hoover Dam. My mom and dad lived in a trailer park, and my dad used to hitchhike up and down Boulder Highway, which is the only way you could get to Vegas. Sam's Town was the first thing you saw on your way in to town. So, when you're driving down Boulder Highway from Henderson, I always thought you finally knew you were getting somewhere when you saw Sam's Town. It was kind of like a beacon."
"It's not a completely American album," contines Brandon. "We still have our English influence, but we're also from the Wild West. Somehow we've managed to unify all that on this album. it's just such a perfect resemblence of what we are."
At the petrol station, Brandon rummages through the glove box looking for change to buy a lighter. "This is a great album," he says, pointing at Highway Companion, the latest from iconic American rocker Tom Petty. "I've always been a big fan of his. He's such a great American artist."
Yes, Brandon: we get the point.
+
When Brandon finally lights his cigarette, he smokes it awkwardly, like a child mimicking something he's seen the grown-ups doing. However, when he cheerfully admits that, "I feel the same mentally as I did when I was 12," it's not a knowing nod to the fact that he sometimes behaves like a loveably precocious child, but a reference to an unusually comprehensive grounding in pop music at an early age.
When Brandon sings about "this town", he doesn't mean Las Vegas. He means Nephi, Utah or Henderson, Nevada, where he spent his childhood. His parents are Mormon and he is the youngest of six children. "I was a surprise," he says. "I've got a 42-year-old sister." If he was issues about his "surprise" status, he chooses to gloss over them. "It turned out perfect because my brother was a teenager when I was a kid," he says. "He would bring home things like Rattle And Hum by U2 and I would watch it. I remember he bought Live In Dallas by Morrissey. It was always him watching these things, or his door was shut and you'd hear The Head On The Door by The Cure blasting through the house and rattling the walls."
The Killers were formed when Brandon answered an advert Dave had placed in a local paper in late 2002. Dave cited Oasis as a big influence; Brandon had seen them play recently and responded; and, as Dave has said in previous interviews: "He was the only person to reply to my ad who wasn't a complete freak." However, the band was born in Brandon's brothers bedroom.
"His room was like a shrine," enthuses Brandon. "It was a holy place. I wish I could show you a picture of it. It was covered in posters. There'd be a big picture of Elvis wearing a bow tie that just said 'The Smiths' [the artwork for The Smiths 1987 single Shoplifters Of The World Unite]. You had The Cure wearing face paint [the artwork to The Cure's 1985 single In Between Days] - all that kind of stuff. I remember Morrissey being on the cover of the NME, with the halo [from 1985] - stuff like that. You just wanted to know about these people 'cause they were so cool. My brother seemed like such a cool person. But he was a teenager, so he wasn't going to be that nice to me, a kid."
Brandon was fascinated by his brother's collection of music, magazines and posters, but he was denied access to them - officially, at least. "I would sneak in," he says. "I knew he'd be angry if he found out, but I would go in as soon as he left the house." For a long time Brandon was too scared to actually play anything. "That didn't come 'til later. I just used to go in there because I liked it. Then I got to the point where I'd actually take a tape out and put it in. It took more guts to do that."
It was a life-changing moment. "I was ten and the first song I played was Sing Your Life by Morrissey. I remember dancing about to it."
The lyrics to Sing Your Life include the lines, "Sing your life/Just walk right up to the microphone/And name all the things that you love/All the things that you loathe." It's intriguing to wonder what Morrissey makes of the neophyte he inspired with these lines.
Eventually, Brandon inherited his brother's tape collection. "It was around the same time CDs started coming out in a big way. He started buying CDs and gave me his tapes. And that was it: it took off from there. I got a hundred of the best albums - all the New Order, all the Morrissey, all The Smiths, The Beatles. I started buying posters. I went to see The Cure in concert. It was just kind of a continuation of my brother. And it was nice because, though my parents were strict, they were already used to it from him. There was no, 'My dad doesn't understand me,' or any of that kind of stuff. My mum likes The Smiths."
Brandon was 13 and his favourite band was late-'70s/early-'80s American new wavers The Cars, and particularly their jaw-droppingly catchy 1979 single Just What I Needed.
"I wouldn't exist without that song," he says. "That was the one. I remember driving around with my mum when I was 13, and we're living in Nephi - a really small town - and I felt so cool when I put that song on. Like: 'I have something that none of these kids I'm going to middle school with tomorrow have.' That excitement is what music's about, isn't it? That's why I understand the mentality of people that don't like us because we've sold so many records. I used to like it when no one else knew about a band. So I get that - I do."
+
Brandon's first band was called Blush Response. It was never going to work out. Not because he refused to move to Los Angeles with them, but because he is utterly - comically - shameless. He's given to making outrageously boastful statements like: "It's not like the '60s, '70s and '80s now. There are only a few bands around that are really good, that just do it. I mean, there's what, five or six of us?"
For the record, in Brandon's estimation, those bands are Franz Ferdinand, Razorlight, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and, of course, The Killers.
"I don't want people to think I'm lumping myself with other people just to make us sound cool," he says. Really? It sort of sounds like you are. But he just steamrolls through it. "Yeah, but you know what I mean," he says, grinning at his own cheekiness. He's so disgracefully forward you can't help but laugh along with him - Oh you are awful, Brandon! But joking aside, The Killers are the most commercially successful of all the bands he mentions.
Later, back at the rehearsal space, the band run through Sam's Town at deafening volume in preparation for the forthcoming tour - first the US, then the world. The infectious, almost contagious, chorus of When You Were Young sounds fabulous, as do the U2-like guitars and Twin Peaks synths of Read My Mind. Meanwhile, Smile Like You Mean It and Somebody Told Me benefit from the newfound harder edge.
They somewhat heavy-handedly underline the new direction by playing Paranoid by Black Sabbath and Get It On by T Rex. That's the thing: The Killers are not a subtle band. Their songs are like a wet kiss from a girl who's a bit too drunk. They are big and brash, and not everyone loves them for it. Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me might go down as well at hip nightclubs as they do on the festival circuit, but the DJs play them with the same guilty look they wear when playing a pop record.
"I hate that," says Brandon. "Like writing a song you can hum somehow cheapens it? It makes me think of this quote by Morrissey. Everybody knows how he read Oscar Wilde, Keats and Yates when he was growing up and that he wanted to be a writer. He was talking to this journalist who asked why he hadn't become a writer, and Morrissey said: 'What I do is more powerful than what you do because I can write down these words and you get it to a melody. How can you beat that?' I'm of the same opinion. I don't understand why a good melody that's memorable is a bad thing."
Being dismissed as pop particular aggrieves Ronnie. "When we first came out we got compared to Duran Duran all the time. Jesus Christ! We got a keyboard player now all of a sudden he's Nick Rhodes! Come on!"
"The people who criticise us for being too poppy don't get it," agrees Mark. "I think that's the problem with a lot of rock music. People are afraid to write a song any more. Either that or they can't. And that attitude hurts music in general. The best bands ever have all written great songs. You can still do it and do it intelligently and it can be original. This isn't a studio creation with a producer writing these songs for us. We're not Avril Lavigne, or something like that. We're a real band writing real songs, just like a punk band would do, except that we write pop songs."
You get the impression that The Killers knack for showboating pop hooks that border on vulgar is inextricably tied up with the brazen side of Brandon's personality. But while his ebullient charisma, not to mention the songs themselves, mitigates his outrageousness, there is a less attractive side to his ego. He has a combative streak. He can't resist taking pot shots at emo bands, notably Fall Out Boy, whith whom The Killers share an A&R man.
Has he heard how many emo kids it takes to change a light bulb? "No." None. They just sit in the dark and cry. It's a full 30 seconds before he stops laughing. When he does he admits: "Yeah, we've had problems with other bands. You know, when you walk in the room it's like..." He whistles the theme to The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. "We're like gangs."
And while the other members of the band are diplomatic on the subject of Brandon, you don't have to read too deeply between the lines to conclude that there have been internal issues, too.
"Some people will think Brandon's the big genius," says Dave, visibly bridling. "There are songs, such as Why Do I Keep Counting?, where he's written every note. But there are others, like When You Were Young, that were more of a collaboration - like Mr Brightside, where I had some of the music and Brandon came up with the lyrics. We always have arguments about who wrote what. The truth is that we all help in that process."
When asked how success affected them, Ronnie says: "There were certain things that needed adjusting. When you're on tour for two years, people can get a little needy. It doesn't help that you're surrounded by yes men and everybody's working for you. At times we've had to say, 'Who do you think you are?' to people. No one wears the trousers, but some people would like to. I think if it wasn't for the people in the band kicking each other in the ass... Let's just say there was some ass-kickin'."
It doesn't take a genius to work out whose ass needed kicking most often.
+
It's the following day and The Killers are back at their rehearsal space. The topic of discussion is what to wear in the video for Bones, the second single. It's a big deal: the director is Tim Burton. "I feel like Frank Sinatra when I sing it," announces Brandon. "With maybe a little bit of Morrissey and a little bit of Elvis, too."
Of course he does. But if securing the services of Tim Burton tells you one thing, it's that The Killers are about to get even bigger, perhaps even make the leap to the same level as Coldplay et al. Already stars, they are about to become superstars. Brandon can hardly wait.
"Do you know that Rolling Stone didn't want to put us on the cover last time," he says indignantly. "They didn't think we were stars. We sold five million albums! What more do they want from a band?"
Whatever was required, Brandon would be happy to do most things. "I'll do stuff that some people don't want to do, 'cause I want people to hear the music," he says. However, even he has limits. "The Rolling Stone thing made the record label think: 'What can we do to make them stars?' If I go on vacation with my wife, do they have to send somebody to be there to take pictures of me? Is that how you become a star? I don't want that. I walked down the red carpet one time and I realised I don't like it. But you don't have to walk down the red carpet for people to hear your music. We do still have some of that indie blood running through our veins."
He heads off at a tangent: "When you walk around Liverpool, you think of The Beatles, or you go to Manchester and you think of The Smiths or Oasis. I want you to come to Las Vegas and think of Sam's Town. And I think we've started to capture that, which is a truer version of The Killers, 'cause that's where we're from."
He pauses.
"I used to live across the street from Sam's Town. Maybe it'll be like our Abbey Road where people go to take pictures."
Is that what he'd like?
"I wouldn't mind it," he says, desperately hoping it will come true.
He puts a cigarette between his lips, looks down at his trouser pockets and pats them in search of the lighter he bought yesterday.
"Hey, I don't suppose you've got one?"

tl;dr: My (26f) partner (27m) is going on a trip with his best friend (27m) to help his best friend meet someone new by putting themselves in places where there are plenty of single women. I, the girlfriend, am uncomfortable and am not sure how else to say it, since my partner and I have already talked about this trip 923859835792 times, and he's adamant that he's going.
Just like the title states, my partner (27M) has agreed to go on an international trip with his friend (27M) to catch a concert, sightsee, and help said friend meet someone new. My partner and I (26F) have been dating for ~3 years, and he's been perfectly faithful, trustworthy and perfectly transparent.
There's no reason, other than my own insecurity, that I should be feeling as upset and uneasy about this boys trip. He's gone on two other trips with his friends while we've been together, and I definitely didn't feel this way either time.
For context, my partner's friend has been single for a long time, and struggles meeting new people in general, regardless of their gender. This friend is understandably on the lookout for someone special, and has chosen as city with the highest concentration of "his type" to visit. Weird, but I see the vision.
This friend has literally no other single friends to go on this wife-quest with - enter: my partner. They've been friends for a long time, and have travelled well together before. Fwiw I do like this friend very much, and don't think that he would do anything unsavoury, but even so.
Alright - on to me.
The entire purpose of this trip is to be around lots of single women with the intention of chatting them up, having a good time and hopefully finding this friend someone interesting to pursue.
My partner and I are wonderful communicators, and have a great record of solving our problems in a way that satisfies us both. However, no matter how much my partner reassures me, and despite his trackrecord of being absolutely wonderful and perfectly faithful - I feel SO ICKY about this trip!
I've talked with partner to death about this, and I'm sick of hearing my own voice. He's adamant that he's going, and I think he should, it's literally a 3 day trip with his best friend, but oh my GOD. Yes he's trustworthy, yes he's respectful of my boundries, yes he's an honest person, and of course he loves me very much.
My lady brain dgaf. I don't like the intention of the trip, and even if they both change their mind and say "oh no, nope, we're doing something else now" I still won't be less upset by it.
There's no permutation of this situation that involves my partner not going on this trip - I just feel like I've tried to explain every which way that I'm uncomfortable, and he acknowledges it but... that's about it. I don't feel satisfied with his answers and I've been alright at not letting myself spiral, but I just want to cry.
How else could I possibly explain how weird the intention of this trip is, and how uncomfortable it makes me?

When I was around 13 years old, I was a young stupid teenager, and hanging out with my friends, and we were all saying inflammatory things, and I said, "Yeah, if I turn 30, and I haven't accomplished anything, I'll probably just kill myself." It was an awful thing to say, and I can't believe I said it.
Well, I turned 29. I had probably close to 50 jobs, and had a complete discontentment with my life and civilization, and was contemplating suicide, and then I had a full-blown spiritual awakening, saw a vision of Jesus, God and Satan, and went through an immense dark night of the soul and personal transformation of the heart.
I just have this verse on my heart right now thinking about it, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits, [Psalm 18:21]" and it just reminds me of what I said when I was a teenager.
I know God heard that and knew that he wasn't going to let me die of suicide. He was watching me the whole time, and he cared about me, and he didn't want to lose me.
Three years ago, I was a 29-year-old man whose life had become defined by isolation. Once curious and engaged with the world in my youth, I had slowly withdrawn into myself from depression, retreating into the comfort of my room in my mother's house. My agnostic atheism left me without a guiding light, and the mundane realities of life, from my dozens of failed jobs to my ongoing struggles with addiction, weighed heavily on my spirit. I found solace instead in the company of strategy games and suffered deeply in the rabbit hole of conspiracies on the internet.
My addictions had become an ever-tightening grip on my life. I found myself reaching for cannabis, alcohol, video games, fast food, and pornography to fill the void that had grown in my heart over the years. My life had become a series of hollow habits, each one leaving me feeling emptier than before. I could no longer deny that something was deeply wrong.
One day, while browsing online, I stumbled upon a post that claimed Thoth, the ancient Egyptian deity of knowledge and wisdom, could help those who asked for his assistance. Intrigued, I wondered if reaching out to Thoth could provide me with the help I needed.
Weeks passed since reading the post, and as I stood in my shower, my thoughts drifted to the crossroads my life seemed to have come to. I asked myself why I was stuck in a cycle of self-destructive behaviors and why I felt such a profound sense of emptiness. The steam from the shower enveloped me as I said aloud, "Thoth, if you are real, I really need your help right now. I don't want to live like this anymore; I don't want to die yet." As I spoke the words, my hand moved from the side of my body, and then to my forehead and heart, while making a hand-sign and I felt at peace.
I was stunned, realizing the hand-sign I had made was eerily similar to ones I had seen in paintings of Jesus. I was stunned but felt an unusual calmness wash over me. As I dried off and dressed, I pondered what had just happened. I went to the full-body mirror in my room, looking at myself. I saw someone I no longer recognized, someone I no longer wanted to be.
Once more, I said, "Thoth, if you are real, will you help me? This isn't who I want to be anymore." I stared at myself in the mirror, and slowly a vision began to form in my eyes. It wasn’t Thoth I saw, but Jesus.
Jesus appeared with long brown hair, a brown beard, brown eyes, and light brown skin. Half of his face was illuminated by light, while the other half was cast in shadow. The vision of Jesus was so vivid that it left me both in awe and at peace. As the vision of him faded, I remember reaching out to him because I didn't want him to go, I could tell he was here to help.
As night fell, I lay in my bed, lost in deep contemplation. I revisited the events of the day, focusing on the vision of Jesus. The clarity of the vision was imprinted on my mind, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it held a deeper meaning. I pondered the nature of good and evil, and how they were intertwined in a complex dance of duality. I found myself questioning whether the traditional view of evil as something to be hated and shunned was truly the right approach. Instead, I began to entertain the idea that perhaps evil people and perhaps even evil itself, could be understood with compassion and empathy, instead of hatred and disgust.
As I continued to ponder, I experienced a peculiar sensation in my head. It was as though something shifted in the center of my brain, around the area of my third eye or pineal gland. There was a slight pop like a tearing or crunching sound, it was not painful, but surprising nonetheless. I then felt a fluid movement from the left hemisphere of my brain to the right hemisphere, using the third eye as a bridge or something. This shift brought me a sense of balance and calmness I had not felt before. I realized I had been living predominantly in the logical part of my brain, instead of emotional side.
As I embraced this newfound state of relaxation, I began to see another vision in my mind. This time, it was God who appeared. God had long white hair, a white beard, and wore white robes and sandals. Then God began dancing, moving with joy and lightheartedness.
Before I could fully process what I was seeing, another figure appeared alongside God. It was Satan, with red skin and horns. Satan seemed curious and playful, attempting to imitate God's dance moves with enthusiasm. The sight of these two seemingly opposing forces dancing together struck me as surreal.
As I watched them dance, I found myself smiling, and really enjoying the moment. Then, my mind wandered to the Russian squat dance, a thought that seemed to come out of nowhere. To my amazement, God began performing the Russian squat dance, his movements precise and fluid. I couldn't help but laugh. It was awesome and hilarious.
Slowly, they both faded away, leaving me in a state of awe and wonder. I realized that my third eye had opened, granting me access to a deeper level of perception and understanding.
I lay in my bed for a few moments, attempting to grasp the profound implications of the vision I had just experienced. The reality of the spiritual world was undeniable now. God, Jesus, Satan, and other spiritual beings were real, their presence deeply embedded within my new understanding. This stark realization overwhelmed me, and I felt an immense fear wash over me, it was like the Eye of Sauron was upon me, or the eye of Satan.
I began pacing frantically around my room, gasping for air as I tried to process the magnitude of my new awareness. My mind felt as if it were on the brink of shattering; I couldn't comprehend what was happening. The very foundation of my reality had shifted, leaving me teetering on the edge of my sanity.
Despite my racing thoughts and heart, I managed to steady myself using deep breathing techniques I had learned in the past from Wim Hof. My frantic pace gradually slowed, and I returned to my bed, trying to make sense of everything.
I deduced that the condition commonly known as schizophrenia might not be what people thought it was. Instead, it could be an individual's heightened sensitivity to the spirit world, a world most people never perceived.
As I lay in bed, still reeling from my panic, I suddenly saw a vision of Satan. He had red skin and horns, and spoke directly to me, expressing admiration for my deduction. Satan confirmed that what I thought was true: many people were speaking to demons, believing themselves to be schizophrenic. This deceptive world was, indeed, a harsh reality.
I tried to take in Satan's words, but a sensation of something being pulled out of me struck me. It felt as though my very soul was being drained from my body. My energy depleted rapidly, and I was overcome by a sense of impending doom. I lost control of my bodily functions, believing that I was moments away from death.
At the moment when I thought I was succumbing to death, I caught sight of an Easter lily I had bought earlier that day, sitting on my desk. The sight of the beautiful lily sparked a powerful desire to live within me. Fueled by a newfound will to survive coursing through me, I leaped out of my bed, and began pacing back and forth in my room once more, gasping for air.
As I walked, I experienced a series of visions featuring characters I admired and found inspiration from—Master Yoda from Star Wars, Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Neo from The Matrix. I realized that God had shown me these characters because they were a source of moral guidance and strength in my life.
My thoughts then turned to the physical pain I was experiencing. My awareness of the spirit world had heightened significantly, causing my brain to start heating up, and I felt a piercing pain and ballooning sensation near my right temple, which deeply concerned me.
Every time I had a thought, I could feel my brain stem wiggle and I would feel pain in my right temple, so I had to learn to still or quiet my mind. Recognizing that I needed to take action to cool my head and relieve the pain, with a sort of just knowing of what I had to do, I resolved to get a large bowl of ice water and head to the basement.
I quietly left my room so as not to wake my mother, who was sleeping in her room nearby, and ventured downstairs to the basement
At this point you could say I was "possessed" by spirits, Thoth, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I was able to rest my consciousness in my third eye, and the Holy Spirit, Thoth, or Jesus could help me and take move my body to keep me alive. There was no way for me to survive without help.
The holy spirit showed me a specific breathing technique to diffuse the energy in my brain by inhaling through my mouth deeply, and then exhaling through my nose in the water. The vibration of exhaling through my nose into the water would cause my brain to feel soothed for a little while, likely stimulating my vagus nerve too, and I believe it was doing something with the fluid in my brain. When I was able to not be at the water, I had to keep pressure on the center of my forehead to rest in my third eye so they could help me.
I remember pacing between the two sections of my basement, and Thoth was helping me breathe just to stay conscious. One half of the basement was bright with light with concrete floors, which is where the bowl of water was, the washer and drier, a sink, and four litter boxes. On the other side of the basement was dark with a carpeted floor and a wood fireplace. The basement's light was painted in the duality of light and dark.
I remained in the basement until the sun rose, soaking my head in icewater, and pacing back and forth between the dark and light rooms because i would become overly sensitive to one particular room, and I was just trying to breathe to stay conscious. I was battling the spirit of fear the entire night. The fear from my initial awakening and the fear of death over and over again, hundreds if not thousands of times.
I soaked my head in the ice water all night, getting momentary breaks from the water, and certain I was going to die hundreds of times from a brain hemorrhage, I stood on the hard pavement for hours, I remember Jesus was my legs at one point, I could feel him focusing through me to keep me standing. I continuously soaked my head in the ice water to combat the piercing pain and ballooning sensation in my right temple. Throughout the night, I heard voices speaking to me—some belonging to what I would call demons and others to angels.
The demons tried to instill fear in me, convincing me I was going to die. While the angels offered comfort and reassurance, telling me I would be okay. Despite the torment I endured, I found profound inner strength and refused to give up. I remember squeezing my Celtic cross necklace so hard during this time.
The sun rose on the second day, I had been awake all night, I was beyond exhausted. I don't remember all of the specifics of this time, my awakening was very traumatic, but several hours passed and I remember being told that I needed to grab a book and go outside down the street and sit by a tree. I refused, and Satan said, "Do you want to die?" I said "No," and grabbed a book and went outside and walked down the street to a tree and sat with my back leaned against it.
I read my book for about 10 minutes when two women carrying their babies in slings approached me, and asked me what I was reading. I told them the name of the book, Inner Engineering by Sadghuru, and they said that they were doing a prayer walk, and wanted to share the gospel message with me. I knew this was a divine appointment. This was meant to happen.
They shared the gospel message with me, and then offered to let me join their community of house churches, and gave me the number of one of their husbands so I could call and get connected with them.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing, but was unable to sleep and barely ate anything, and once the night fell, I was in the basement again, soaking my head in ice water. I would often get relief during the days when the sun was out, and then at night, it was a brutal spiritual battle all night in the basement where I was fighting for my life.
On the second day, I was in the kitchen, and I had the right side of my head in the ice water, and was moving my head up to breathe in through my mouth, and then I would tilt my head back down and exhale my entire breath out through my nose. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just listening to guidance from what I believe was the holy spirit.
After around 15-20 minutes of intense exhaling through my nose, a ton of white viscous liquid started coming out of my nose, and filling the bowl, it wasn't painful at all, it was a massive relief, and the excess fluid in my head was somehow being drained out. When the process was done, I remember I felt amazing, incredible actually, like my head was clear of all confusion, and I was so very much alive and conscious.
I went outside and was swinging a stick like a sword and having fun, and I think I got a little overzealous and jumped the fence behind my house, and started going on an adventure. After around 3-5 minutes though, the fluid started building back up, and I had to soak my head in a puddle to keep my brain cool. When I returned home, I went back to the water to soak my head. I still hadn't slept.
That night was brutal, and I was suffering badly, and I remember I was sitting on the dark side of the basement, but I had turned on the lamp. I was sitting on pillows, and I had just been soaking my head in the water. Satan then told me that in order to save the world, I would have to die by popping my third eye. I don't know why I believed him, I didn't have discernment at the time, and I was just following whatever guidance was coming my way, but I know that I had to do that to find my true strength.
I sat for a moment and contemplated. I grabbed a wooden walking stick that was nearby, and I moved it to my forehead, and pushed it into the center of my head as hard as I could until my arms literally gave out. I thought of my mom and sister, and I wanted the world to be free from suffering, but I wasn't meant to die that day. I cried very hard, and I learned that the human skull is very strong. I got up and went back to the ice water, and my forehead was numb.
Eventually, after three days and nights of this suffering, following the path God laid out before me, I reached my complete breaking point. I declared to the spirits that I had had enough. I was done soaking my head in ice water and I slowly and bravely removed my head from the bowl of water.
I was shivering so badly. These weren't just cold shivers, these were spiritual shivers, they shake you to your very core. I felt awful. Those who have been delivered will know what I am speaking about when I saw spiritual shivers. I spread out pillows on the floor, and lay down to rest. As I settled in, I pulled the blanket over me, and I remember I felt the comforting presence of Jesus, he was tucking me in.
I slept for just a few hours and awoke up early on Saturday morning. I remember my head hurt and it felt like the left side of my head was full of fluid. I grabbed the bowl of ice water, and this time, however, I decided to sit outside. The pain in my head was still excruciating, and I thought I might die.
My mother saw me outside, and concerned about my well-being, approached me to check if I was okay. I told her to call the ambulance because I needed help, and she quickly complied. When the paramedics arrived, they took me to the hospital, where I hoped I would receive the medical care I desperately needed, but that wasn't what was in store for me.
I got to the hospital, and the medical establishment, unfortunately, has no empathy or concern for people's mental sufferings. I asked them for water to drink because I was so dehydrated, and they wouldn't give me water.
Then, I got admitted to the hospital, and they finally gave me some juice and a snack, and I was starting to relax, but then a voice came into my head, it was Satan, and he made me think I needed to soak my head in the icewater again and expel the white viscous fluid again, so I started panicking a bit and had them bring me a bowl of ice water, and I began soaking my head.
They had probably never seen anything like what I was doing, and thought I was just crazy, because they basically came after me and tied me to the bed, and forcefully injected me with something to make me calm down or sleep, and then they didn't talk to me at all anymore throughout the night.
I am claustrophobic, so being tied down was absolute torture for me. They left me in the dark hospital room suffering all night, tied to the bed, thinking I was going to die the entire night, and then finally the sun rose on the horizon, and when the nurse came in to draw my blood in the morning, I asked them to request security to release me from the restraints. They have no empathy for people. Something is deeply wrong with the medical system.
Anyways, they finally sent me to an in-patient mental health clinic which is honestly just a warehouse for people to take meds, sleep, and eat, away from society. It was honestly a welcome respite, but there's no therapy available at these places. Which means no real internal healing is taking place for people suffering.
Once I got to the in-patient mental health clinic, I spent the first day mostly just relaxing, but there was a man there that was definitely possessed by a demon. He would be shouting a bunch of biblical verses about the kingdom of God, and a lot more, and then he would be on the floor the next, flailing around, being tortured by a demon. One of the other patients there told me he is being tortured by something, and I see what she means now.
I spent the rest of my time there recovering the best I could, and just taking the meds to calm down, and try to get some sleep, and spent time listening to people's stories. One of the girls there told me that the wound on my forehead from when I pushed the wooden staff into my forehead, looked like a cross, and she was right.
When I got out of the in-patient mental health clinic, I called the number that I had received during my three days and nights dark night of the soul.
I joined their community of house churches, and was studying the Bible with them for several months and meeting with them frequently, and I thought I had found my forever friends. We would go on prayer walks, and I was eventually baptized at a lake, and thought that I had a new life of faith waiting for me with new friends.
They were concerned about my well-being and cared about me, but a small part of me felt like I was being controlled by them too, like they wanted me to conform to all of their beliefs and everything in the Bible as fact, and the word of God, and I have always been very sensitive to manipulation since I was a child, and I could tell they were manipulating me. They never left room for me to be myself, and share my beliefs without condemnation, which is a major red flag.
Recognizing this, I distanced myself from them, and went on my own spiritual journey where I spent months conversing with the spirit world in my backyard. walking in circles. I spoke to God and Satan/Lucifer and was trying to come to understanding why Satan would reject God's will.
After some time, I realized I was just being tortured, and I needed help. I was suffering from a lot, and I needed deliverance. Satan had taken up a seat in my mind because I let him, and I had demons hurting me. I reached out to the Christian group again after several months of being distant from them, and they said there was an opportunity to move in with some Christian brothers and live with them, so I jumped on the opportunity. I was so excited. I was on fire for God.
I got to the house, and moved my stuff in, and then the night fell on the first night, and the enemy was not having it. The demons and Satan were not having it. They did NOT want me living with my brothers in Christ because they knew I was detached from all the boxes of thought control, and I was living in the spirit, wasn't a slave of mind or spirit. They wanted to destroy our relationship, between us, the brothers of Christ, and they did.
I don't remember the exact sequence of events, but I was entirely in the spirit at the time, I was detached from my body in a way, and just following the path laid out before me. I could feel that I needed to go outside and walk the neighborhood as a part of my spiritual path, so I left the house, and walked barefoot throughout the neighborhood.
While walking the neighborhood, I was in full spirit mode, I was communicating with God and Jesus, and they were guiding me on my path. I saw visions of them sitting beside a tree and trimming off rotten fruit, which I think was symbolic of them removing rotten fruit from my mind. I also saw them sweeping out a room and cleaning it, as if symbolic of my mind, and them cleaning my mind and purifying it. I also remember seeing a symbolic vision of myself holding up a golden gemstone encrusted goblet to God.
During that night, I declared war on the principalities of darkness. Against the forces of darkness. I saw skulls in the clouds, and could tell they were communicating with me as they are spirits of the air.
My feet were bloodied from walking around the neighborhood barefoot, I was completely lost all night, I was new to the neighborhood too, and had no idea where I was, so I wandered for hours throughout the night, so hungry, tired, and thirsty, and just physically and mentally exhausted, but I endured. That night made me realize how strong I really am when I let go of everything and trust in God. When I completely become the spirit instead of the body. The human body is incredible and capable of withstanding far more than we know.
Finally, I found my way to the house, and my footsteps were spilling blood on the front porch. The door was locked, and I knocked, and one of the brothers let me in, and I went to my bedroom. I couldn't sleep at all, my mind was very active, it was very similar to when I had my spiritual awakening, I was just unable to sleep because of how active my mind was. I spent the whole night awake.
The next day, I was suffering horrible spiritual attack, my head was in pain and I was holding my head just to feel comfortable, and one of the brothers called a friend of theirs to come and do a deliverance. I remember them being very bold, but gentle... firm, but kind to me, as they expelled some of the demons through prayer. It wasn't a painful deliverance or too exhausting, it was gentle by comparison. I felt much better after the deliverance, hungry and thirsty again, and wanted to nourish my body. I spent the rest of the day relaxing a bit, and listening to the other believers talk about the Bible, and their beliefs.
That night, I was delivered again, and it was awful. My brothers in Christ shouldn't have done the deliverance, but I don't know if I even would have made the rest of the night it if they didn't. I think the holy spirit guided them to do the deliverance, but it went out of control.
I was in my room, suffering deeply, holding my head, and all three brothers who lived there came up to my room to check on me, and pray for me. Their prayers turned into a full blown deliverance, and demons were screaming out of me for around half an hour straight. They were casting them out in the name of Jesus, but it was awful, it's one of my most traumatic memories. I was suffering so badly, and honestly I could tell the demons were suffering so badly, and my brothers in Christ had zero empathy for me.
After speaking with demons, the brothers wanted to speak with me again, so I came to, I asked them for water, and they denied me, and they just continued the deliverance without giving me a break. I had been suffering for around 45 minutes straight, with demons screaming out of me, and I was beyond exhausted, I was so dehydrated, and I just needed to stop. They didn't care, they kept going.
They kept shouting at these demons in the name of Jesus to leave, and eventually after another ten minutes, I realized, nothing was happening, we weren't getting anywhere, the demons weren't coming out, and they asked to speak with me again, and I came to the forefront and regained control, and tried talking to them, but they were gone. The demons had got into them somehow, and they were filled with hatred and revulsion for me. They all had the same facial expression of hatred and revulsion for me.
I went around the room and pleaded with them that it was me, but they didn't believe me, they were gone, checked out, I tried bringing up memories of what had happened between us that were specific to each person to bring them to understanding that it was me, and in fact not a demon speaking, but they thought I was a demon speaking.
They all grabbed ahold of me, and pinned me down on the bed, but I knew where this was going, the demons in them were going to flood me with fear and fill me with demons again, and I wasn't going to have that, I wasn't going to let them win.
I flailed out of their grasp, told them to get off me, and ran down the stairs and out of the house. I remember as I was running out, Satan told me, "You are the most free person on the planet."
I ran outside, and even the weight of my clothes felt like too much, I was panicking from the trauma of the deliverance and the attack from my brothers, and I stripped off all my clothes and ran down the alley way in the middle of the night and got away from the house.
There were no light, and no one around, and no one followed me, so I just ran down the alley way, and found an abandoned car to sit on for a few minutes until I got a message from God that it was time to go grab my clothes and put my clothes on.
I put my clothes back on, and started walking away from the house because I needed to get some air. That is when one of the other brother's in Christ, the one that I had called initially to join their community of house churches, was there. I think he was guided by the holy spirit to show up there that night.
Anyways, we walked back to the house, and when we got there, there was a cop car and an ambulance there. I guess the brothers had called for a wellness check on me. They wanted to bring me to the hospital to have me evaluated. I protested, but just wanted them to leave me alone, I went with them, and went to the hospital.
Much to no one's surprise, they did nothing for me at the hospital. They just put me in a room where I waited around for 6-8 hours, until I was finally released. I didn't go back to the brother's house though. When they offered me an uber, I went back to my mom's house. I wasn't going to live with them anymore after what they did to me...
A couple weeks passed and two of the brothers who did the deliverance called me, and wanted to schedule a time to meet up so they could minister to me. They came over to my house, and basically told me that I was still demon possessed, and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and then when I confronted them and asked them if they had a problem with me, they lied to my face, and said that they didn't have a problem with me.
About a month passed and the last brother that was a part of deliverance contacted me and invited me to go to church with him. I told him how that experience made me feel, how I was claustrophobic from childhood trauma and that being pinned down by everyone was horribly traumatic, and he said, "Do you feel better now?" in a sarcastic tone. He completely dismissed how I felt, that hurt me badly.
I went to church with him once, but never went with him again, I also never reconnected with any of the other brothers, and then my life started to become very spiritual. God had a path of understanding laid out before me that most people will not tread.
I began to try to become friends with demons and minister to them and try to turn them to Christ. I had a lot of visions during this time, and I cried a lot. I would walk around my neighborhood and see visions of demons sitting on top of the apartment buildings.
When I would go home, I would have visions of demons in my basement, and would have to drive them out in the name of Jesus. I would speak to them too, and wait and listen for them to telepathically communicate with me.
I remember I was suffering badly though, and I needed to go to in-patient mental health again for help. I needed the meds and a place where I could rest and relax.
During my time there, I was communicating with a spirit named Jezebel, and during that time I was suffering very badly. I won't get into all of the details, but I was becoming friends with her, and we shared a deep laugh about something that I cannot remember anymore, but I remember the laugh. It felt so good to laugh after suffering so badly.
During my time while I was there I was seeing visions of my own death. I was seeing people suffering from demonic attack and spirits of confusion. They couldn't remember who they were, or who other people were.
I prayed for a woman to be delivered that night in her sleep, and the next day she was bright and fresh and happy, and doing so much better. God performed a miracle on her, and saved her. She was a normal person again after entering the hospital in a complete state of confusion. It was miraculous. I was honestly jealous, because I was suffering so badly, and she was delivered overnight in her sleep in a relaxed way, while my time had been so intense.
While I was there though, I was under heavy attack, but I pulled through, God pulled me through too, but when I got home, the journey wasn't over though. I was in a spiritual state for a while, and was seeing visions. I could rest in my third eye, and see the spirit world. It was exhausting, I saw a lot of demons, and had to drive them out in the name of Jesus.
Then one night, I was downstairs, and I was with Satan, Lilith, and a spirit calling itself Baal. I remember Baal was sitting in the middle in front of the fireplace, and Satan was to my left, and Lilith was to my right.
I don't remember what we spoke about, I just spent time with them, and I drank a beer with them, the air was heavy with demonic energy, and then I remember Lilith went over to Satan and kneeled before him, and grabbed him by the hand tenderly and asked him to turn away from his evil ways.
Satan neither accepted nor refused, and then I remember maybe 5 minutes passed and I was doing a full-blown deliverance on Lilith. I was praying for her, and I could see visions of her on the ground flailing around, it was awful, and I hope she is okay.
I don't know how long after that passed, but I was delivered many times during this phase. I was around demons a lot and they would get into me, and I would have to expel them out through vomiting, and it was excruciating.
Several months passed after that where I was okay, I spent months just relaxing and recovering, playing video games, smoking weed, and just relaxing. It was nice, but it wasn't the end of my journey.
My next journey was against Thoth. While he was a great help at the beginning of my spiritual awakening, he is not a perfect being like God, and he tried to overtake me. It's really hard to explain what he did, but he was viciously attacking me spiritually, and I sought help to go to the in-patient mental health clinic again. That was where I went when things got too spiritually charged. I had Medicaid, so I was able to go as needed.
They didn't send me to in-patient this time though, they sent me to a crisis pivot center, which is basically a residential house that is being used to treat people suffering from mental illness, where you can receive meds and sleep in a sort of half-way house between in-patient mental health and being back in the world at home.
Anyways, I was suffering grotesquely from Thoth, he is a VERY powerful entity, perhaps one of the strongest I have faced, and has been more cruel to me than even Satan, and I remember having a conversation with one of the people working there about how I had asked a false God at the beginning of my spiritual awakening for help to fix my life, and how that had caused a bunch of problems.
Eventually, I realized I was not receiving the care that I needed while at the crisis center, so I had them transfer me to hospital. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had been awake for days, and I just wanted sleep, so I was looking for Ambien when I went to the hospital, and that's what I got.
I remember they had admitted me to the emergency, but it was so full that every room was full, so they had me in the hallway, and I was just exhausted, and in a very tired state, but my third eye was opened, and I could sense spirits around me, and Satan, Lilith, and Jezebel were there for me that night.
They were hovering over my bed, and speaking to me telepathically, and asking me if I was okay, they were genuinely concerned for me, and wanted to know if I was okay. It was kind of shocking to be honest. These entities are not known for being nice in any way, but they were there for me that night, and God let them be there for me that night, instead of Jesus or someone else, which i find interesting.
This moment and seeing Lilith kneel before Satan made me realize that entities that we think are pure evil, are more dynamic than just evil. They may have evil in them, or have the ability to evil actions, but they can also be good and support others, like they did with me when I was in such an exhausted and vulnerable state after being delivered from Thoth.
I made it back home, and some time passed and I was in a very spiritual moment. My third eye was very awakened. It seems to happen in cycles. That night was a blizzard, and the air was heavy with demonic energy. This time it was the demiurge.
I remember I had dozens if not hundreds of demons in my room, and they were swirling above my bed, and I kept trying to lay down because I was so exhausted, and I kept being told to not lay down because I would squish a spirit, so I chose to not lay down.
I was whistling the avatar theme for the spirits to uplift them and make them feel better, and during this time I was being possessed by spirits. The room was heavy with spiritual energy.
So much happened that I don't want to get into, but it all lead to me being outside in the blizzard, in the snow storm, naked, and laying down in the snow. I had to be very cold for some reason while interacting with these demons, to keep them from overtaking me, and I remember I had to leave my house behind entirely.
My mom came outside before I left the house and I could feel demonic energy, evil spirits, all around her. There was a presence of wrath around her, and she was angry with me, because I had flooded the bathroom of the house while trying to get cold in the shower.
I left the house, there was a foot of snow on the ground, and I was naked and wandering down the street. I would check in with what I thought was God every once in a while to figure out what was happening with the demons in my bedroom.
For some reason when I would have a thought it would affect them in my room. That's really complicated to get into, and I don't understand it, but regardless, I wandered down the street and around the corner, and that is when the police got me.
They handcuffed me, and put me in the back of the police cruiser, and I remember telling God that the Matrix has me. The police called an ambulance, and they came to get me, I remember they transferred me to the ambulance, and they covered me with blankets, but I didn't want to be warm, I didn't have any control over this situation.
My body started to shut down, and I was struggling to even breathe, and that's when the demiurge appeared. They started speaking to me, and controlling my body to keep me breathing, and that's when I submitted to them, thinking that I was on my own, and God had abandoned me. I told them to fill me with demons, and that I would become a demon lord.
As I would breathe, I could feel demons entering me, spirits. When I got to the hospital, I was possessed by a lot of spirits, and my body was in agony. It's very hard to explain what it feels like, but just imagine discordant energy in your body that makes you feel awful, and physically hurts.
I struggled the entire night, and was in absolute agony. After 6-8 hours I was recovered and feeling better, they had admitted me to the hospital at this time, so I was able to rest in a room and eat plenty of food and recover.
My experience with the demiurge was really traumatic though, but that wasn't the end of my experiences with him.
... to be continued...

So I have been having reoccurring dreams/nightmares for about a year or so that all seem to take place in the same post apocalyptic universe if that makes sense. There are still malls, movie theatres, restaurants etc. and society seems to be somewhat intact but everything is in ruins/disrepair, all of these places are generally unsafe to be in and all of the roads are dangerous to travel on. Not to mention the fact that most attractions that are meant to be fun such as amusement parks and such, are set up in such a way that everything feels eerie and wrong, and as if it’s some sort of death trap, but no one else realizes it except for me? I’m usually with my family in these dreams as well. Anyway, I’ve been having these dreams every single night for so long and I would love to know if anyone has any idea why they’re happening, how to stop them, or just has had similar dreams to this.