I use GPT to compute a lot of math based equations however today it started presenting all math in the LateX format (which looks like this: (begin{array){ccc/cc} y[2] & yI1] & [3] & U[2] lend{array}). Unfortunately this is making GPT absolutely unusable due to how difficult it is to read sequential steps involving large equations. I’ve tried using different browsers and it still isn’t changing anything, For some reason the IOS app seems to be outputting the text in normal/symbolic format perfectly fine for the exact same conversations,
Has anyone else had this issue and does anyone know how i could fix this?

Seeking advice: Why do I do this to myself? So my mom is increasingly harder to get along with. It’s a combination of me putting up boundaries, calling her out on mean or cruel comments and behavior, and her simply being always in a bad mood and shitty. BUT she is also sometimes kind, sweet, supportive, and funny. She is also helping me and my child financially through tuition payments and future college tuition, while I work my butt off just to support the day to day. She doesn’t live in the same state anymore, and whenever we try to have visits, we end up fighting. She’s always in a bad mood or irritated. She has a tons of past trauma, refuses to see a therapist, while I have done a lot of work on myself. Also she denied that I was sexually abused as a child by a family member for most of my life. Anyway, I’m trying to find a common ground. I want to include her in things sometimes because I know she will be gone someday (she’s close to 70 now). I do what I can like send her photos and letters but I refuse to text anymore because she’s passive aggressive and weird in texts. Anyone else have a similar situation? How would you include this person in your life? It sucks to not have a mom but whenever I try to go back it never works. I think she truly thinks I’m a selfish person and she’s completely innocent. It’s gutting.

So recently my friend mentioned on a bus ride that she dealt with anxiety and I also have it and deal with it and know how isolating it can be. So I wrote her a letter saying how I'm always here for her and if she needs to call me or even just text me she can at anytime no questions. Should I give it to her? I don't want her to think I'm annoying and diving into her life too much. So should I?

My uBPD mother got placed on hospice almost two months ago now. My brother and mother have been estranged for about 20 years, since he was about 22 years old, I believe. My brother and I have had a difficult relationship. However, we were both trying harder to get something going between us before the hospice happened. Now, it’s all over. I thought he would be a partner with me in this, I really, really did. Brother and me against the world, right? Too bad I can barely get him on the phone. I can barely get a text back in any reasonable time, let alone coordinating any care. I told him everything she needs and everything I’ve done, but it’s like he can’t see it/doesn’t understand/doesn’t care. I cleaned for 5 days and he didn’t give me one crumb of acknowledgement. He tells me he doesn’t know what he can do. I realize they are estranged, I’m not asking him to see her. I’m asking for help with money, logistics, etc. I never thought he would just leave everything up to me and just go dark. I literally never thought he would do that. Last week, I was just floored and heart broken.
I decided I will send him a list of ideas, one final last letter. He can help or he can not help, but I expect nothing now. I’ll send all the paperwork related to him I’ve found, even his SS card and birth certificate. He’s lucky…I feel like dumping it all.
In some respects, I’m finding it's a relief. For years, he always had me chasing him around for contact. He was always either annoyed, jealous, awkward, or contemptuous Being around him was more of a chore, like obligation. I can’t be myself around him. I’ve rarely had a blast with him my entire life. I’m sure he feels the same about me.
The interesting thing is that he and my mother have a lot in common, more than they can see. They both are entitled, lazy, and think they don’t have to work but everyone else does. After my mom dies, my brother is also dead to me. I will stop everything. His youtube, his amazon, sharing my location, listing him as 911 contact, etc. I’m scrubbing him out. He’s not worth it to me anymore. I’m only waiting because he says he will pay for the cremation. I’m tempted to just forget that too. Might be more trouble than it is worth.

New hire girl at work and we immediately clicked. Had first date within the week and it went too well. I had been looking for a new job months before she arrived because I wanted to move back closer to my family. Fate has ways to play with my feelings and this happens often. I thought everything was going well, I've settled enough being away from family and friends, now I have a date who I know would become my gf soon enough.
2 days after the first date I get the offer letter and I accepted it. I resigned and before I get to tell her my boss spreads the news around and because of it, she takes it the wrong way. We had plan to watch a movie at my place that night and she became distant as she consults to her guy best friend (I'm not comfortable with as I feel they may have feelings with each other but I put up with it as it's not my place to separate them). I convinced her to come and she mentioned she almost didn't as her best friend said not to.
I explained the whole story and she was understanding. We began watching the movie and halfway through we're making out and continued to go further. We stop before reaching third base as she thought it would be a bad idea and I respected her wishes.
We continued to date but she decided to switch to being friends as she didn't want to miss me when I move in a week. This hurt a lot, I got drunk that night to fall asleep. Overtime she became more distant and made reasons to not making it to our hangout plans the rest of the week. She decided to hangout on my last day not to hangout but needed me to help her move an appliance. I feel used and still hurting knowing she doesn't want to be with me. I understood but i had hopes maybe we can try long distance.
Weeks after my move I found out she's flying her best friend to her place whose at the opposite of the country to hangout for over a week. She wanted me to take her to hiking as I knew the place very well but my assumption that her best friend will be visiting so they can go instead without me in the picture. I think I'm overthinking but I'm hurt and bawling my eyes knowing she's moved on when she says she still wants to meet. We tried to text since I moved but she has been very dried in replying that I can't message back anymore. It just hurts.

New hire girl at work and we immediately clicked. Had first date within the week and it went too well. I had been looking for a new job months before she arrived because I wanted to move back closer to my family. Fate has ways to play with my feelings and this happens often. I thought everything was going well, I've settled enough being away from family and friends, now I have a date who I know would become my gf soon enough.
2 days after the first date I get the offer letter and I accepted it. I resigned and before I get to tell her my boss spreads the news around and because of it, she takes it the wrong way. We had plan to watch a movie at my place that night and she became distant as she consults to her guy best friend (I'm not comfortable with as I feel they may have feelings with each other but I put up with it as it's not my place to separate them). I convinced her to come and she mentioned she almost didn't as her best friend said not to.
I explained the whole story and she was understanding. We began watching the movie and halfway through we're making out and continued to go further. We stop before reaching third base as she thought it would be a bad idea and I respected her wishes.
We continued to date but she decided to switch to being friends as she didn't want to miss me when I move in a week. This hurt a lot, I got drunk that night to fall asleep. Overtime she became more distant and made reasons to not making it to our hangout plans the rest of the week. She decided to hangout on my last day not to hangout but needed me to help her move an appliance. I feel used and still hurting knowing she doesn't want to be with me. I understood but i had hopes maybe we can try long distance.
Weeks after my move I found out she's flying her best friend to her place whose at the opposite of the country to hangout for over a week. She wanted me to take her to hiking as I knew the place very well but my assumption that her best friend will be visiting so they can go instead without me in the picture. I think I'm overthinking but I'm hurt and bawling my eyes knowing she's moved on when she says she still wants to meet. We tried to text since I moved but she has been very dried in replying that I can't message back anymore. It just hurts.

Hi, I have been independently developing a unique theory of etymology that is based in part on Onomatopoeia sound and visual lette sound-meaning symbolism. While this may sound esoteric, in my opinion this is a highly logical system. Some of the ideas explored have been discussed by plato. For example, Plato wrote that the letter i may represent small things. He also wrote that the letter O may represent round objects; in English the words oval and orbit can fit into this paradigm. I have a lot to discuss and share and am wondering what would be the best platform for this? I also just started a YouTube channel with a small number of videos. Where could I introduce myself and my ideas? Can I post a link to my YT channel or videos here?

Encampment social media posted about this (see text in comment) just a little bit ago and are demanding a response before 8am or else they'll escalate... or maybe they'll escalate either way?
("As violence continues to escalate in Gaza and Rafah, we will continue to escalate our efforts.")
Just a heads up that things might be a bit hectic tomorrow on campus. I mean... surely they gave him more than 12 hours notice (which is fully outside of business hours)... but I'm not sure that the final sentence gives me much hope either way:
"Thus, if the administration is committed to conversations in good faith, we call on the Office of the President to cease falsifying neutrality, and cede to the demands listed in this letter. We will consider this as the only meaningful step towards dialogue."

I know you're not going to text me back and I don't blame you. It took me years to process how we ended and how I fucked up. Writing a letter to you, which admittedly is an apology, was one of the hardest things I've done. I never even wanted to send it in the first place because I didn't want to disrupt your life or trigger you in any way. But someone on Reddit commented that this is the apology that many others would have wanted but never got, so how can I not?
While I am relieved that I finally reached out, I know that I can't expect anything in return. But a part of me still wants to hear from you -- How are you doing? How's your family? How's your heart? I have no intentions of trying to get back with you or work my way back to your life. I just want to know that you're okay. I just want to see you win. I just want to see you thrive. I just want to see you bloom.
This probably won't mean anything to you (at least anymore), but you were a big part of my character development. The worst mistake I made was hurting you but please know that I've worked on my mind and I've worked on my heart. I owe this to you and I owe this to myself. I will always wish you the best, send love your way, and be grateful for you.

def add_experience(self, experience): self.experiences.append(experience) def simulate(self): quantum_instance = Aer.get_backend('qasm_simulator') optimizer = COBYLA(maxiter=100) vqe = VQE(ansatz=RealAmplites(self.num_qubits, reps=2), optimizer=optimizer, quantum_instance=quantum_instance) result = vqe.compute_minimum_eigenvalue() return result.eigenvalue 

def add_symbolic_sequence(self, sequence): self.symbolic_sequences.append(sequence) def enhanced_introspection(self): return sum(len(seq) for seq in self.symbolic_sequences) 

toolbox = base.Toolbox() toolbox.register("attr_float", np.random.rand) toolbox.register("individual", tools.initRepeat, creator.Individual, toolbox.attr_float, n=10) toolbox.register("population", tools.initRepeat, list, toolbox.individual) toolbox.register("evaluate", lambda ind: (sum(ind),)) toolbox.register("mate", tools.cxTwoPoint) toolbox.register("mutate", tools.mutGaussian, mu=0, sigma=1, indpb=0.2) toolbox.register("select", tools.selTournament, tournsize=3) population = toolbox.population(n=100) algorithms.eaSimple(population, toolbox, cxpb=0.5, mutpb=0.2, ngen=10, verbose=False) return population 

[CW: talk of ableism and trauma]
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TL;DR: My dad said to my mom when I took out my new fidget toy after a fairly traumatic day: “he’s (not my preferred pronouns) just going into ‘Autistic Mode’”. He said that he would look into group homes tomorrow again because I “treat them like shit”. I shut down around them, and have been doing so for at least a week or more. I don’t have a job, freshly graduated from college as of December, and I have been struggling to get interviews. I have been using my university’s career services and got accepted into Vocational Rehab, but my parents keep threatening to kick me out of the house and be done with me.
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For reference, I am highly confident I am Autistic and ADHD, but I have not been officially diagnosed. I have a referral and am in the process. My med manager is treating me with non-stimulants which work well and have increased executive function. I have also been exploring my being queer over the last few years, but only recently tried to explain to my parents in totality last November.
I knew they are queerphobic, and I knew that I annoy / upset them when I don’t talk and engage, and that when I talk it’s too much and not about the right thing. I just wanted to believe I was wrong. I wanted to believe I was reading into things because I’ve had so many past experiences where what I felt and what I thought turned out to be false. And they say they love me, and they love me so much that they hate to see me in pain, and so I wanted to believe that it’s true.
The last few days have been hard. My parents had family friends over (that have known me since I was a baby, and they have two adult children that didn’t come this round) for memorial day weekend from out of state. Since seeing the friends last, I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and further accepting the queer parts of myself. I hadn’t been planning to change my name, until by happenstance I found one online that I wanted to be mine due to it's simplicity and androgynous nature. But my parents (and my brother, though he has trans friends) have not been supportive. I just thought they raised me and gave me a name they picked out and so didn’t want to use a new one. It doesn’t make it better, but it’s something.
But they have made it clear in past conversations that it would be unfair for me to tell family friends and extended relatives. And so I spent all of last week before the weekend trying to debate whether I should tell the family friends that were coming over in a text message before they arrived. I tried to summon the courage, but I ended up not doing that. So when I first saw them, I shut down when their first words were “Hey, ”. I decided that I would make myself scarce because I knew I would just keep shutting down and having trouble speaking with them. Literally, it would be the same as with my parents where either the words don’t come or I don’t have the energy to get them past my throat.
So, I tried to be polite when I saw them and just didn’t engage in extensive conversation. When they left, my dad told me I was rude and selfish, and that I need to write them a letter to apologize. I ended up sending them a text today to apologize (didn't explain everything), but I didn’t want to send a letter because I am tired of using my dead name, and I would need to sign it.
I have been trying to avoid my parents even though we live in the same house because I don’t have a job yet. I recently graduated from college in December, but I have not been able to get interviews. I have been making use of my university’s career services and made appointments with the head of engineering to make my resume more appealing in terms of software engineering. I graduated with Interdisciplinary Studies focusing on Computer Science, Creative Writing, and Linguistics. I just want a job right now, and computer jobs pay well. I am hoping to figure out something beneficial in Creative Writing later, maybe Ghost Writing or something that might pay better than that. I also got accepted to use Vocational Rehab, and so I have been working with them.
But, since I am avoiding my parents, they believe I am trying to make it clear that I hate them. They consistently say that I “treat them like shit” and I am “lazy and just want an easy life”. Today has been a hard day after all the turmoil over the last week, and so I have had very little energy. I thought I could be experiencing depression, but I know what that feels like and where it leads. I am not there yet. So, I think the best word to describe it is probably dejected. Like the people who are constantly in my life don’t want me. In the late afternoon, I decided I didn’t just want to sit up in my room anymore, so I drove down to my bookstore to browse, and then checked to see if I could refill my meds. I had about an hour where I started feeling happy and enjoying myself, especially being able to browse the books and look at the descriptions on the back and recording the ones I want to read for later.
When I got home for dinner so my parents didn’t get mad, it was like all that happiness disappeared the moment I saw them. I could not move my face even if I wanted to, to pretend like I was cheery and all right. We got dinner out, and then I sat down. The counselor I like seeing at career services is also an ADHDer. I saw her last week to go over more plans for jobs, and she showed me the various baskets of stim toys she keeps on her bookshelf to hand out to students. She gave me one that’s a tightly knit, long rectangle and has a small glass ball inside. You squeeze it and the ball moves back and forth.
I haven’t used stim toys much growing up because I thought I was supposed to bear all the frustration and anxiety. But I have been trying to treat myself kinder over the last few months. So, I’ve been taking that stim toy with me, and had it when I went to the bookstore. With dinner set up, my parents were trying to get me to interact and “be better”. Without thinking, I took out the stim toy. My dad said I was going into “Autistic Mode” and that they can’t do anything. He will look at group homes again tomorrow.
…
Up until that moment, I had doubts. I thought that they really were trying to accept me and it was just hard, especially with all the queerness and years of mental health management (since 2019 when I broke down). But over the last month or so, I’ve had various times where I needed to record my mental health history for intake and I started talking about my parents and how I am starting to recognize the gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I have also been trying hard to remember the good moments. But I can't remember a moment where I was showing signs I am clearly Autistic or ADHD, and that they genuinely enjoyed and loved it. Especially as I've gotten older. I remember them expecting me to get good grades in school from the beginning. If it wasn't "A"s they were upset, and if I failed a test they told me to study again and took me down to school to convince the teacher to let me test again. If I couldn't prove I knew the material and the teacher didn't let me retake it, then I was shunned on the way home.
I want so much to be wrong. I want so much for them to be right and that it's me who is abusing them like they say it is. I don't know why--I don't really feel any emotional love for them and I don't think I ever did, I just don't want them to suffer--but if I am the one who's hurting them then maybe I can change and stop. Maybe I can get better and show them love and be nice to them like they deserve. I wouldn't need to make a plan to estrange myself from them when I am on my feet to better take care of myself. I wish it was me.
I don't know why I am writing all of this. You all have your own problems and don't need to load on mine, and I am not going to pretend I have it the worst even just in my own city. I also feel manipulative, like I am only writing the bad parts and that I should try to remember and describe the good parts.
I just don't have anyone I can talk to right now. I have been out of therapy for a few months. I have been on wait lists for more experienced therapists dealing with gender-affirming care, since that has become a bigger problem. I have something scheduled for the middle of next month with a more general therapist and a referral to a specialized therapist as well.
But I just want to talk to someone who understands. I don't have that in my life. When doctors ask me if I have anyone I can just vent to or trust, I can't think of anyone. I have one friend, but since graduating we only meet up once a month. I can share a lot with her and she is supportive, but then I feel like that one meeting is filled with me trying to vent and seek therapy from her. I don't really want more social interaction, but I want to feel like someone sees me, the real me, and they actually like what they see.
I plan to call the suicide hotline tomorrow. Not because I am suicidal, but because I was told I don't need to be suicidal to call. I know my parents will hear me on the phone if I call tonight, and I don't really want to spend a long time writing out the words in a text to the text number to explain everything when the person on the other end might not be able to fully understand, and so they would just tell me what they think I need to hear. But I guess I'd get the same from the phone call.
I don't know how to wrap this up, and it sounds when I read this over like I am quite lucid and therefore being petty by putting this here. I am lucid, but it doesn't really help me feel better. I can't lie to myself anymore; I've been trying so hard to not lie to myself when I spot it. I am sorry for the long rambling and various tangents. I just want to put this somewhere where people might understand.

I'm listening to the expanded The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien at the moment, and thoroughly enjoying Samuel West's reading. I've listened to B&L, FoG, UT and FoN where he narrates with his father Timothy (an excellent way of distinguishing between the main text and editorial contributions, as well as representing the fatheson relationship between J.R.R. and Christopher).
I would love to hear Samuel West read The Lord of the Rings. He "possess[es] a tone and quality... somewhat cool and clear" (to borrow Tolkien's own words about the effect he wanted to achieve in his legendarium) which I greatly appreciate, especially the way he uses emphasis for clarity rather than conveying emotion or drama - something I prefer to let the words do (and the reason I find Andy Serkis' narrations unbearable). He reads long complex sentences well, does a good job of reading poetry, and seems to be competent in his pronunciation of Elvish. He's a better reader than Rob Inglis, who doesn't always stress words or phrases appropriately, and often changes "cannot"/"do not" etc to "can't"/ "don't", sometimes in places where it is not in keeping with the elevated style of the passage.

I just read a post about how Eunchae should be protected more, and I could not agree more in that the vitriol towards her has gotten way out of hand.
In that post, I noticed that people kinda brushed passed the controversy of her teasing high school students as a non-issue (which, don't get me wrong, it definitely is), but I'd like to provide some cultural context because it was this specific moment that garnered the most hate for her among Korean kpop stans. Coachella doesn't even come close.
I want to explain why her comments generated so much outrage, and in particular, how her words were taken out of context and purposely made to sound so much worse.
The Situation (and the context)
On a 3/17 Weverse ~11min, Eunchae made a bit of a joke where poked fun at students having to get up early, saying that "That must be hard~ I had to do that too at one point too~~" and the conversation then continues onward with the other members about how difficult it was to get up that early during their student days.
This was combined with another live on 9/07 ~27min (though the context starts a few minutes prior) with Kkura. In it, the two of the discuss conversations with their non-celebrity friends. Boomer Kkura tends to just talk or text, which surprises Eunchae, since she almost always prefers to facetime instead (don't worry Kkura, same). Kkura mentions that the first thing she asks her friends are, "you haven't gotten married yet right?" whereas Eunchae says that her friends have been recently talking about becoming high school seniors. That topic closes with Eunchae talking about a recent conversation she had video call she had with her close friend, who complained that she had to get up early, upon which Eunchae teased her and says, "I start at 11 tomorrow! Hella lucky~"
Maybe a bit of a crass joke in the first clip, but nothing too major, right?
The Attack (and the twisting of facts)
This is where the usual suspects come in: Twitter.
Disclaimer: I'm going to be completely honest here. I don't follow Pann or FMKorea or all the other niche online communities except since the HYBE/MHJ situatio, but while researching this topic, I searched Eunchae's name on both sites to see how the situation unfolded (I can't really search theqoo very well because that site has the worst user-friendliness I've ever seen).
The situation blew up on March 15th (as far back as I can find), with this Twitter post blowing up and a Pann post (now deleted, restored w/ Wayback).
(Note, regarding the deleted Pann post, it was referenced in this YouTube video by one of those trash drama Youtubers and had 150k+ views at the time of their video)
There were also some pretty weird posts on Pann around this time, nitpicking her response in an EASY interview to say she thinks LSF was successful and spreading twitter posts of private documents to prove that she didn't get accepted to Hanlim (I will not be sharing this one.) Many comments at that point on Pann are still quite sympathetic to Eunchae, with the top comments defending her and telling the twitter bitches to go away (although the doxxing post still got 600+ upvotes and 300k+ views)
After this though, the narrative began to change, combining the clips above and turning it from Eunchae teasing students, to Eunchae teasing High School Seniors. And things began to take a huge shift.
After this began to spread, March 23rd, comments started to become more negative (example posts on March 17th and March 23rd).
Alright, I can hear you saying, students, high school students, so what?
Korean Seniors and the Suneung
If you're at all familiar with Korean culture, you know where I'm going with this.
The Suneung is the Korean equivalent of the American SAT, except it is so much more than that. If I had to explain it, the Suneung is your entire life. Imagine your college application, except screw your class grades, your extracurriculars, your letters of rec, your essay. The only thing that really matters is your SAT score.
It is a huge deal. The entire nation BBC article falls silent on the day of the Suneung. Stores close, construction stops, traffic is redirected, the stock market opens late. On the day of the Suneung, there are no flights.
It happens 1 time a year. Just once. If you miss it or get a bad grade, you repeat a year just to get a chance to retake it.
And high school seniors carry all of that stress. They are studying for a test that is the culmination of their entire education and determines their entire future. There are many, many stories of students falling into deep depression, even after doing well on the Suneung, because studying for that test consumed them to the point that they don't know what to do after it's over. These students study in excess of 15 hours a day, from 7am to 10pm.
You do not touch high school seniors, ever. There is a saying that even parents tiptoe around their kids once the test date nears.
Also, keep in mind that the primary demographic for kpop are young adults. People that are in school, preparing for this test that they will eventually have to overcome. Some of those people might be repeating a year (or two or three or four) while studying for that test.
And so, when the narrative shifted from Eunchae teasing a close friend about having to get up early to Eunchae making fun of High School Seniors for having to get up early, things turned ugly quick.
And then Coachella happened. And then MHJ opened her big mouth. And you guys know the rest.
So that's my little story. I hope this provided some insight as to why it seems like the hate for Eunchae seemed so particularly loud on the Korean side, and how she suddenly switched from nearly universally loved to the opposite.
In conclusion, fuck Twitter yo.
P.S. Is this post worth posting on the kpopthoughts subreddit? I'm split because it provides context, but also this has kinda flown by international eyes and I don't really want to accidentally add fuel to the flame. LSF and Eunchae have it hard enough as it is.
P.P.S. Sorry mods, I noticed the other post was removed. If this post breaks the rules, feel free to remove and I'll repost it in the weekly thread or something.

As a Tarot Card Reader, my writing is often affected by the cards that I encounter. I was excited to learn the story behind the Major Arcana, and if you are interested in exploring more, start with these promotions questions that are based on those 22 cards and their themes.
I will post more, and I am also interested in a variety of spiritual traditions, religious texts and themes, as well as discussing these aspects of writing in genres that I am exploring.
As I stated, this group is only bound by whatever it's members want. If this isn't something you want to explore, simply scroll on by :)

1. Journey of the Fool: How can embracing unpredictability, like the Fool in the tarot, lead to unexpected personal growth?
   
2. Magician's Mastery: In what ways can we tap into our inner magician to manifest positive changes and opportunities in our lives?
   
3. High Priestess Wisdom: How can the intuition of the High Priestess guide us in making decisions aligned with our higher selves?
   
4. Emperor's Authority: Reflect on instances where embracing structure and authority, akin to the Emperor, has fostered personal growth and resilience.
   
5. Chariot's Triumph: How can the Chariot's victorious journey inspire us to navigate life's challenges with determination and grace?
   
6. Strength Within: Explore moments in your life where inner strength has emerged, taming challenges and fostering personal development.
   
7. Wheel of Fortune's Spin: Reflect on the cyclical nature of life. How has understanding the Wheel of Fortune influenced your perspective on ups and downs?
   
8. Justice Served: In what ways can embodying the principles of justice lead to personal growth and harmony in relationships?
   
9. Hanged Man's Perspective: Share an experience where embracing a different perspective, like the Hanged Man, brought unexpected insights and personal growth.
   
10. Death's Embrace: How has embracing transformation and letting go, akin to Death, paved the way for renewal and personal evolution?
    
11. Temperance Alchemy: Reflect on times when finding balance, like Temperance, has been a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth.
    
12. Devil's Dilemma: Explore how confronting personal demons and temptations, similar to the Devil's dilemma, can lead to profound inner transformations.
    
13. Tower's Revelation: Share an experience where the Tower's upheaval shattered illusions, paving the way for profound personal insights and growth.
    
14. Starlit Path: How has following the guidance of the Star brought hope, inspiration, and spiritual growth into your life?
    
15. Moonlit Shadows: Reflect on navigating the unknown, as symbolized by the Moon. How has embracing uncertainty contributed to your personal development?
    
16. Sunshine Blessings: Explore the positive impact of basking in the warmth of the Sun's energy on your overall well-being and personal growth.
    
17. Judgment Day: Reflect on moments of self-awareness and reflection, similar to the Judgment card, leading to transformative spiritual growth.
    
18. Worldly Perspectives: How has understanding the interconnectedness of all things, represented by the World card, influenced your spiritual journey?
    
19. Tarot Archetypes Explored: Reflect on the archetypal themes present in tarot and how connecting with them has deepened your understanding of yourself and others.
    
20. Fool's Wisdom: Share a moment where embracing the Fool's journey into the unknown has led to valuable insights and personal growth.
    
21. Magician's Magic: How can harnessing the magic within, similar to the Magician, empower us to create positive change in our lives?
    
22. High Priestess' Veil: Reflect on times when tapping into your intuitive wisdom, like the High Priestess, has guided you on your spiritual path.
    
23. Empress' Embrace: Explore the nurturing aspects of the Empress. How has cultivating abundance and creativity led to emotional and spiritual growth?
    
24. Emperor's Legacy: Reflect on how establishing structure and a lasting legacy, similar to the Emperor, has contributed to your personal development.
    
25. Hierophant's Teachings: Share experiences where seeking wisdom from spiritual teachings, like the Hierophant, has provided guidance and growth.
    
26. Lovers' Harmony: How has experiencing deep connections and harmonious relationships, akin to the Lovers, impacted your emotional and spiritual well-being?
    
27. Chariot's Conquest: Reflect on moments where conquering challenges, like the Chariot, has empowered personal growth and resilience.
    
28. Strength Personified: Explore instances where tapping into your inner strength, akin to taming the lion, has led to personal triumphs and growth.
    
29. Hermit's Wisdom: Share experiences of seeking solitude and introspection, similar to the Hermit, and how it has contributed to personal insight and growth.
    
30. Wheel of Fortune's Spin: Reflect on the cyclical nature of life and how understanding the ebb and flow has influenced your perspective and personal development.
    
31. Justice Prevails: In what ways has embodying principles of fairness and justice led to personal growth and harmony in your relationships?
    
32. Hanged Man's Reflection: Share moments where surrendering to a different perspective, akin to the Hanged Man, brought unexpected insights and personal growth.
    
33. Death's Doorway: Explore experiences where embracing transformation and letting go, similar to Death, paved the way for renewal and profound personal evolution.
    
34. Temperance Alchemy: Reflect on times when finding balance, like Temperance, has been a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth.
    
35. Devil's Dilemma: Explore how confronting personal demons and temptations, similar to the Devil's dilemma, can lead to profound inner transformations.
    
36. Tower's Revelation: Share an experience where the Tower's upheaval shattered illusions, paving the way for profound personal insights and growth.
    
37. Starlit Path: How has following the guidance of the Star brought hope, inspiration, and spiritual growth into your life?
    
38. Moonlit Mysteries: Reflect on navigating the unknown, as symbolized by the Moon. How has embracing uncertainty contributed to your personal development?
    
39. Sunlit Blessings: Explore the positive impact of basking in the warmth of the Sun's energy on your overall well-being and personal growth.
    
40. Judgment Day: Reflect on moments of self-awareness and reflection, similar to the Judgment card, leading to transformative spiritual growth.
    
41. Worldly Wonders: How has understanding the interconnectedness of all things, represented by the World card, influenced your spiritual journey?
    
42. Tarot Tales: Share personal stories of how engaging with tarot archetypes and narratives has deepened your self-awareness and personal growth.
    
43. Magician's Mastery: Reflect on moments where harnessing your innate abilities, like the Magician, has empowered you to overcome challenges and manifest positive changes.
    
44. High Priestess' Veil: Explore the wisdom gained through intuitive insights, similar to the High Priestess, and how it has guided you on your spiritual path.
    
45. Empress of Creation: Share experiences of cultivating abundance and creativity, akin to the Empress, and how it has contributed to emotional and spiritual growth.
    
46. Emperor's Dominion: Reflect on the impact of establishing structure and a lasting legacy, similar to the Emperor, on your personal development.
    
47. Hierophant's Teachings: Share insights gained from seeking wisdom through spiritual teachings, like the Hierophant, and how it has influenced your personal growth.
    
48. Lovers' Union: Explore the impact of deep connections and harmonious relationships, akin to the Lovers, on your emotional and spiritual well-being.
    
49. Chariot's Triumph: Reflect on moments where conquering challenges, like the Chariot, has empowered personal growth and resilience.
    
50. Strength Within: Share instances where tapping into your inner strength, akin to taming the lion, has led to personal triumphs
    

i'm working on a novel and would like to know if anyone could tell me any improvements i could make to the first chapter and prologue
Prologue
The day had started the same way it had for the past two years. The only difference was that I was going home. The hallway was crowded with people walking to and from their classes. Everyone was crowded next to each other so the halls were making the area feel claustrophobic. All the people talking mixed with the summer heat made me feel like I was locked in a sauna. I walked with Preston to the last class we would ever have together and as usual he was smiling. I never got why he always smiled even in situations where people should be sad he still smiled. He knew what today meant for me and he tried to keep light of the situation. I kept my head down away from what was ahead of me. My mind was too clouded about returning to see my family to notice anything in front of me. I walked into another student. It felt like I had walked into a wall. I knew immediately I had walked into tree. I stumble onto the ground and the commotion around me slows down to make room for us. He turned his bulky body around and apologized profusely without saying a word even though I had walked into him. He helped me off of the ground before hurrying down the hall.
“Alexandria, are you doing okay?” Preston said he had tilted his body downward so I had to look down to look him in his eyes. The way he was standing made him look like an idiot but he didn't seem to care. The way he acted made me laugh, which caused his smile to widen.
“I'm doing fine, just got lost in my head.”
“Thinking about how you’ll leave soon,” he said
“Was it that obvious?” He was the only person I told about me being an exchange student. I came to spend high school in Newkinawa and he was the only person I ever hung out with.
“I see what you mean,” he said “Newkinawa is a beautiful place with beautiful people to live in it…myself included”
“You wish,” I say with a smile we continue walking through the hallway “I'm just not excited to go back yet”
After I say that his smile grows wider “So you will miss me after all”
“I wouldn't say that much” I responded whilst smiling.
We had made it to our last class only to see it closed with a sign labeled “Uma incident” Uma was a student known for messing with the chemistry lab and destroying school property in the process. I've never actually met her but Preston says “She's a little weird but still nice”
“Guess class is canceled for today,” Preston remarked with a smile “Wanna go out to the court till the bell rings.”
“Sure let's go” I respond
The place we ate every day was outside. It used to be a tennis court before I moved in. Now they put trees and flowers all over the place. Preston really liked the blue color of the flowers but it just never clicked for me. I look over at Preston and he's staring up at the sky. There are a number of clouds in almost enough to block the sun but it still pokes its rays through and lands on Preston's face. The clouds swim in front of the sun till they block out the sun's light. Preston faces towards me.
“I'm gonna miss you Alexandria” he says
“You know you can just call me Alex,” I replied. I start to smile again. “I'll miss you too!" He smiles toward me again as we get up to leave as the clouds start to clump together and rain slowly falls. As we're walking back to the school there's a loud tearing sound followed by screams as the ground shakes.
The ground tears itself apart as the dirt and stone erupt from the ground. The sky blackens and a pale blue light escapes the earth. Then creatures erupt from the ground in a violent ejection from the earth creating a white pillar diffusing as they reach higher in the air. Some are clawing their way out of the cracks like maggots out of a corpse. People are swept into the updraft screaming for their lives.
The creatures descend like a tidal wave and tear apart any people caught in their path. They storm out of the crack in hundreds as more cracks in the earth form. Me and Preston started running away as people were screaming behind us. A girl running next to us has her legs slashed by a creature. The monster begins to tear open her chest as she chokes on her own blood. The monster shovels her lungs and innards into its decrepit mouth. Me and Preston keep running until we're met at the entrance of the school and we catch the attention of a monster as it begins to savagely rush toward us. The monster resembles ghosts my father told me about. But this one looks monstrously horrific. It floats in the air and opens its mouth so wide it nearly replaces its entire torso; its jaws hold savage teeth each the same old gray color of its body. Its eyes glow a rotten yellow color through the dark. It stretches out its arms showing its giant hands and claws like fingers. It swipes at us leaving a giant claw mark on the door behind us but Preston ducks my body down to avoid the attack. We run around it as the monster swaps its focus to another bystander. Screaming past us. Me and Preston run into the parking lot as people scream around us. We hide next to a car.
“What the hell is happening!?” I yell to Preston. More of the creatures fly over us and swoop down to people like vultures on roadkill devouring the fleeing people.
Preston starts to breathe heavily ”we need to get out of here and someplace safer”. As we were talking one of the monster phases through the car we were hiding next to forcing us to run into the street.
“Lets go to your house till things cool down” i say to Preston through panted breaths
“Wait couldn't we head to your house instead” Preston says.
“Why would that matter your house is closer anyways” i respond
“But-” Preston is interrupted by two creatures swooping above us to grab another person. The two monsters begin to pull the person apart while he writhes in pain before having his flesh be torn in half and having his organs be devoured.
“Come on lets go!!” I say as I grab his hand and run even faster.
By the time we reach Preston's house any living person is gone. On the street are just corpses laying torn and mutilated on the roads and sidewalk. The air in the neighborhood feels cold despite the season being summer. When I walk down the street I can still hear the occasional horrific wail the monsters give off. We move closer to Preston's house and I can see him sweating. He looked more worried than before when the creatures were chasing us and he kept darting his eyes away from his home.
“Preston, are you feeling okay?” he doesn't respond to my question and keeps darting his eyes. He walks slowly behind me and as I reach for the door handle and when I touch it it feels nearly freezing. I wrap my hoodie around my hand and slowly open the door. The house is quiet so me and Preston creep further into his house. The inside is cold and damp as if we were locked in a freezer. The further we move into the house the louder a subtle chewing sound is heard.
“It sounds like rats are eating a dead cow over there” I whisper. Preston continues to stay silent behind me. We slowly walk closer towards the kitchen and the sound gets louder and louder and louder until we reach the room.
We're met with a rancid smell of vomit and blood. My blood starts to run cold and every instinct in my body is telling me to run. I can feel Preston breathing get heavier as we get closer. We turn the corner and see Preston's mom lying on the ground dead with one of the creatures hunched over slurping her intestines. The sight causes me to vomit alerting the monster to our presence. The creature turns around and its mouth turns into a mortifying grin as it flies into Preston's moms body. The corpse begins to rise and spur splashing blood over the kitchen. When the corpse stops spasming it picks itself up from the ground and with glazed over eyes it holds its intestines in its hand and gives us the same grin it did when it was outside her body. The possessed corpse lunges at me and starts to chase me around the kitchen. The body is running into the walls and cabinets spraying its blood and other loose organs around the area as I'm avoiding its assault. The corpse leans over and ejects one of its loose intestines towards me, wrapping me in it. It pulls me towards it so fast I'm flung towards the ground. The corpse limbers over to me and raises its free hand aiming for my head. The creature's deranged smile causes the corpse’s cheeks to tear apart. It places both of its bloodied and demented hands on my face and starts to press my skull into the ground. I struggle to breathe. The room starts to get dark and blood escapes my head.
Until Preston jumps on top of his mothers corpse with a kitchen knife and repeatedly stabs it in the head. The possessed body tries to shake him off but he keeps stabbing, blood gets in on his face and tears start to escape his eyes. The creature violently ejects from the corpse's mouth causing her head to nearly explode and Preston stops stabbing the body. The body falls over in a splash of blood and organs. The monster leaves phasing through the roof leaving Preston crying over his mother's body. As the blood mixes with the tears he collapses to his knees crying. I walk over and hug him as the air around us turns bitter and the chill of death leaves the room and us with it.
Chapter 1 Eclipse
It's been 2 months since the apocalypse started. We've kept ourselves alive by looting grocery stores and houses, we hide from the creatures as we have no way to fight back against them. Preston came up with the idea to call them glanter’s. He’s looking better since we left his family home but I can tell something is wrong with him that he's not telling me. Everytime I ask him about it he tells me it's no big deal. I asked him earlier today and he just told me
“don't worry about it, I'm over it” without even looking at me. Now we're walking through the street and I'm walking behind Preston, I can barely see his head past the giant bag we're both carrying on our backs we use to carry supplies. I look up at the sky and it's still pitch black except for the moon giving us any amount of light. Preston turns around to face me.
“Let's check out that house, it might have some cool stuff in it” he points to a white house to our right. The house is a two story building with steps leading to the front door. There's a generator poking out from the backyard. The driveway is empty save for a couple of dried blood stains and tire marks. It's similar to the other houses in the neighborhood except for a couple broken windows.
“Sure why not” We head over to the house and I see something shining on the side of the house in the corner of my eye. I turn my head to look at it closer but it quickly disappears before I can see it clearly.
“Probably squirrel or something” I mumble to myself. Preston walks up the stairs to the house and I walk up the steps behind him as a breeze blows past my face. Preston tries to turn the door knob but the door is locked. I start to pull out a lockpick I grabbed at the store earlier. I motion towards Preston to move out of the way as I kneel down to pick the lock. It takes me a couple of minutes to unlock the door so I walk inside the house and Preston follows behind me while closing and locking the door. The doorway of the house leads to a dark room so I take a flashlight out of my bag to illuminate the area. Were put into the living room and bookshelves are on the walls and a large TV sat in front of a large black couch with smaller chairs surrounding it. Dust is covering every surface of the room and spiderwebs litter the corners of the walls. The area smells like moth balls and there's a lack of blood anywhere nearby.
“Guess the owners got out before the Glanter’s got in, '' I say to Preston. When he doesn't respond I turn around and he's already looking further into the house. When I find him he's managed to find a flight of stairs that lead to a lower portion of the house.
“I'll check on him later,” I think to myself as I headed towards the kitchen to see if we could restock on food. I walk past a bedroom and remark on how childish it looked. The walls were painted with blue and green stripes and a bunk bed sat on the right wall. There's a chest at the foot of the bed so I walk over and lift the top off of it. The box is layered with children's toys, a multitude of dolls, bears, and figures all jut out of the box. I notice a small robot toy and inspect it in my hands.
The cold metal makes my hand shiver and the sharp body shape makes the robot bigger than my hand. There's red lining around the robot's buttons surrounded by the cold gray of the robot's “skin”. It reminds me of a toy my little brother had. My heart feels heavy as I worry about what happened to my family. If they're alive, dead, or worse…possessed. The thoughts send a chill down my spine but I push them aside for now. I put the toy in my bag and exit the bedroom.
I can see the kitchen is down the hallway so I walk down the hall and enter. The kitchen is pretty clean except for a couple of dishes in the sink and the dust. There's a table seated for 3 people in the center of the room. I start opening the cabinets in search for any food or water. There's boxes of cereal leftover on top of shelves and a mix of chip bags and cookies in neat boxes stationed in the cabinets.
“Score,” I say to myself as I begin to put the snacks into my bag. When the cabinets are empty I look inside the fridge. The inside of the fridge ran out of power so most of the food inside is rotted. There are a couple of bottles of water in the front so I shove those in my bag. There's also a bag of oranges that still seem to be healthy in the back. I grab them and toss them on the table. There's rotten sandwich meat hidden in the drawer of the fridge.it smells like a dumpster outside of a butcher shop. I wrinkle my nose at the smell. I look around the kitchen for any bread with no luck.
I continue to look through the fridge until I hear Preston scream from another room. Immediately I bolt out of the kitchen leaving my bag behind and run towards the lower part of the house. I run down the stairs and nearly trip on the steps. The stairs lead to a big room. There are posters to tv shows and movies I don't recognize. The walls are painted black and there's a bear skin rug on the floor. I notice Preston standing next to a really big TV hyperventilating. I walk over to him and ask him.
“Are you ok? What happened?”
He talks through deep breaths “I… saw a… spider.”
“What?!” I respond in confusion.
“It was really big and I had jumped at my face”
“Sure it was.” I say while laughing “Let's go upstairs there's some food in the fridge we can eat”
“Wait, I think you should check this out.” He says while pointing towards one of the walls. I grab Preston's flashlight off the floor and face it towards the wall. Hanging halfway off the wall is a large map labeled Newkiwana scavenger hunt of 76.
“I think we should take it,” Preston says “You can read a map right?”
“A little but I'm not the best at it,” I say to him “can you read a map?”
“it shouldn’t be too hard it’s mainly pictures any way I'm sure I can figure it out”
I walk over to the wall where the map is hung there are trophies covering tables and shelved in their own personal cases one of them reads “1st place 100-meter swimming competition for 1986 Zack Hemmingway” and another one reads “2nd place 100-meter swimming competition for 1989 Zack Hemmingway”
“Guess this guy really liked swimming,” Preston remarks while staring at a wall of newspaper clippings. All of them are about the same person in swimming competitions. All labeled different things like “a new record for Zack “the dolphin” Hemmingway”,
‘Zach Hemmingway our star plans for the future” all the newspapers are about this kind he has paler skin and a bulky enough build to swim pretty well. Most of the pictures have him coming out of the water in a pool, his long black hair soaked and sitting at his shoulders. Another one has him sitting at a desk over a pile of books and his hair in a knot , “vicious wipeout ends the Dolphins career”, and “ex-swim champ Zack Hemmingway found in a drunken stupor outside strip club.
“Everyone has their own hobbies I guess,” I say as I take the map off of the wall and fold it up. “Sucks what happened to Zack though” I walked over to Preston’s bag and put the rolled map in one of the pockets. I walk back up the stairs and Preston grabs his bag and follows behind me.
We make our way towards the kitchen and Preston starts looking through the fridge for anything to eat. I grab an orange from the table and throw it at his head. The fruit bounces off his head and rolls on the floor. He turns around and grabs the fruit from the floor
“Why did you throw an orange at me?”
“It's the only food we have unless you plan on eating spoiled a sandwich“ He starts to peel it while walking towards the table. We both take a seat and start to eat the oranges from the bag. He plants his feet on top of the table and bites into the fully peeled orange. I grab a water bottle from a bag and start to drink from it as Preston says.
“I saw a dvd player in that man cave downstairs we could watch a movie if it still has power”
“Sure it could be fun.” Me and Preston spend the rest of our time eating until the bag of oranges is emptied and we head back downstairs. Preston grabs the DVD player from under the table and blows the dust off the top of it; he plugs it into the wall as I plop myself onto the couch. He plugs the DVD player into the TV and sits on the recliner next to me. He presses a few buttons on the remote and the TV lights up. I squint my eyes at how bright it is. It's the most amount of light I've seen that didn't come from a flashlight. I notice there's a box filled with DVDs. I pull the box over towards me. I ruffle through the box and see movies like Silence of the Lambs, Terminator 2, and Home alone.
“Dude some of these came out just before the world turned inside out” I say to him.
“Really? Let's play one.” He responds. I toss him Terminator 2 and he puts it into the DVD player.
We spend the next couple hours watching movies and laughing together. It's some of our only moments of peace we’ve had since the end of the world and to me it's the most fun I've had yet. We're putting in the next DVD when there's a loud crash outside and the TV shuts off. Preston goes behind it to see if it's still plugged in.
“I think the generator outside is busted” i say
“It seems that way” Preston replies while backing away from the tv” i'm gonna go check it out”
“Don't worry I got it” I say as I hop out of my chair. Preston waves goodbye as I head up the stairs. I make my way back through the hallway leading to the living room and front door. I reach the door and start to turn the knob. I open the door wide as a car speeds down the street. I step out of the door to see what had happened when I hear the screech of a glanter. It cuts through the sky like an unholy opera singer. A group of them fly by and chase the car as I rush back inside the house. I slam the door shut and look through the window as I see a couple of smaller glanters grab and shake the car violently looking for the driver. They tear at it, ripping off doors and breaking the windows. The driver screams as the seats cover with blood and he's ripped out of the car as multiple smaller glanters tear and bite off parts of his body like piranha's until his body is completely devoured. I run back to the man cave to warn Preston about what had happened. I spot him laying in his chair spinning a DVD disc on his finger.
“It's not safe outside right now”
“Why not?
“There's glanter's outside, they just ate a dude in his car”
“Did they see you come inside?”
“I don't think so , they flew off before I went inside.”
“well we're not dead so I'm gonna say they didn't see you. But let's stay here for a couple more hours just to be safe”
“Sounds good i'm gonna go find the master bedroom.” I start to walk back up the stairs to the house
“ Hold on why do you get the master bedroom” Preston says while walking after me.
“Because I'm gonna find it first” I say as I start to run to find the bedroom. He chases after me in pursuit of the bedroom. Me and Preston run around the house looking for the master bedroom. We look through room after room finding closets, the garage, a bathroom and a door leading to a balcony in the back of the house. I manage to run into the bedroom and yell out to Preston.``Found it!!”
He comes walking into the room breathing heavily from the running. We both check out the room. The walls are painted a cream yellow and the bed takes up most of the room's center. The bed has burgundy sheets poking out from its bottom and a quilt with multi-colored floral designs lay sprawled out on top of it. There's a wardrobe built into the wall and a black leather couch sits comfortably on the left wall.
“Dibs on the bed” I say as I jump on top of it. I stretch out on top of the quilt and search for a comfortable part to sleep in.
“Where am I supposed to sleep then?” Preston complains
“You can sleep on the couch it looks soft enough” I respond while pointing towards the couch “I saw some spare blankets in one of the closets”
“Alright i’ll be right back” he mumbles to himself “why do i always get the couch”
“ I'll be right here if you need me,” i call after him. I sit up on the bed and start to look around the room more. I notice the entrance to the wardrobe is cracked open slightly. I hop out of the bed and grab a flashlight from my bag as I walk into the wardrobe. I turn on my flashlight and stare in awe at how many clothes are in there. The room is only half as big as the bedroom but it's still bigger than any closet I've ever had. The wardrobe is full of shirts, dresses, pants, and shoes for men and women. I immediately start to look through the shoes to see if any fit my size. I throw a pair of black high heels behind me as Preston finds me in the wardrobe. He looks around before asking me.
“What are you doing?”
“Finding a new pair of clothes to wear cause I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for waaaaay too long”
“Fair enough. Is there any guy stuff in there?”
“Yeah right there” I hook my thumb behind me to point to the other end of the closet.
“I'm sure they won't mind if we take a couple of things…they're probably dead by now anyways,” Preston says with a slight grin on his face. The way he said made me spin my head to look at him but he was already on the opposite end of the wardrobe looking at suits.
I shake away the thought and continue looking for any pair of sneakers in my size. 40 minutes pass before I walk out of the wardrobe holding a new pair of jeans and a black guns-N-roses t-shirt. I toss the clothes on top of the bed and check to see if the shower in the bathroom still works. I turn the dial and wait for a moment. The shower head chokes a little before water comes pouring out. I reach my hand under the showerhead to feel the water. The water is cold, it causes my hand to shiver when I take it out. I shake the water off and say to myself.
“Good enough” as I start to take off my old clothes and get in the shower. The cold water bounces off my skin, it sends shivers down my spine but I still get the old dirt from the last few months off of me. I step out and see a couple of dry towels hanging off of the door. I grab one and dry my body off and grab another to wrap around my head and dry my hair. I step out of the bathroom and Preston is still inside the wardrobe. I put on my new clothes while his back is turned and walk over towards him when I'm finished.
“Still haven't found anything,” I ask him
He turns around “Nothing yet, the only thing interesting was this coat.” He holds a leather coat up to me. The coat is made of black leather and has a skull covered with blue flames on the back. There's a black shirt inside the coat with a skeleton hand making a thumbs-up embroidered on the front.
“ That's pretty cool, it's better than what you're wearing right now at least” he's outfitted in a blue hoodie with holes on the chest and tears at the sleeves. He also has a shirt with a faded picture of a blue flower printed on it.
“I guess you're right” he gets up from the floor and exits the wardrobe. He lays the clothes on the couch along next to the blanket and pillow he brought into the room.
“The shower works so you can get yourself clean In there,” I say to him
“You know, a shower sounds really good right now.” He gets up from the floor and grabs a pair of pajama pants that were laying next to him. He leaves the wardrobe and enters the bathroom, closing the door behind him. After a moment the water turns on and I hop on the bed to get ready to sleep. I squirm myself into the quilt and rest my head against one of the pillows. I shut my eyes and fall asleep listening to the passive sound of the shower like rain on a car.
I'm in a void. It feels like I'm standing in a puddle of water that reaches to my knees. I wade my way forward looking around for anything in the darkness. In the distance I can see 3 figures l. I moved closer to them and their silhouettes get clearer. I realize they are my dad and brothers. I start to run towards them kicking up water behind me until something grabs my leg. It pulls down violently forcing me under the water without a breath of air. I kick at the thing grabbing me until something grabs my other leg. I look down and see two glanter's each with a monstrous smile on their faces. They stare back at me and one of them tugs my leg harder than before and tears it off of my body. The water around me turns red as the glanter laugh's. The other smiles wider as it starts to fling me around the water forcing any air left in my lungs to be forced out as I scream in pain. The glanter throws me away and I can see my family slowly fade into the distance as I'm flown away.
I struggle to swim back to where I was, one of my legs is missing and the other is broken. The glanter's find me again and I try to get to the surface to escape them. I'm flapping my arms in any attempt to escape as one of the glanter's flies in front of me and grabs my arm. I look at the monster with tears in my eyes as it bites my arm and tears my body away from it. It flings my body away and with my remaining arm I clutch the wound as the water floods into my body leaving me in the void I started in. I look around and the glanter's seem to have left. I turn behind me and see my family again, this time I'm closer than before.
I grit my teeth and drag my body towards them slowly as I leave a trail of blood and tears behind me. I finally reach my family and grab one of my father's shoes. I stare up and he looks at me. His stare causes me to feel cold as a grotesque smile grows on his face. I stare in shock as my brothers each have the same look as my father.
I shoot up from my sleep panting heavily in a cold sweat.
“It was just a dream..just a dream…just a dream” I look at my hands as tears fall into them. I look around the room and see Preston sleeping peacefully on the couch. The room feels frozen in place as a chill runs down my spine. I get out of the bed and walk out of the bedroom. I make my way through the dark hallway and find the entrance to the balcony I saw earlier. I creak open the screen door and head outside. The Balcony is pretty large, about the size of the kitchen in the house. There are some chairs knocked over next to a table and I pick one up to sit on it. I look out into the expanse of the neighborhood, houses lined up next to each other, dozens broken apart by roads, and dead bodies scattered across the roads.
I look up in the sky and sit back in the chair. The sky looks empty except for the moon giving this world its only source of light. Without the moon, we’d be left in darkness. It hangs in the sky alone, no stars, no clouds, nothing but itself, and the void of the sky. I think back about the dream I had. My dad and my brother's all dead and possessed and then they kill me. I start to tear up thinking about it. I try to wipe away the tears but it’s no use. I'm too scared for my family. I don't know where they are if they're alive if they're worried about me I don't know anything! I start to quietly cry into my hands. I don't know how long I'm sitting there until I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn my head to face it and I see Preston. He was smiling and looking at me. I turn away to wipe my tears and he walks next to me.
“I heard you sneaking out of the bedroom so I followed you to see where you were going.” he says “but that's not my question.” he pauses and looks at me “my question is what’s got you feeling so down?” he leans over the railing of the balcony
“It's nothing, I just came out here to clear my head.” I say as more tears escape from my eyes in big slow drops that ride down the sides of my face.
“if you don't feel like telling me you don't have to but i'll be here if you ever change your mind”. He looks up at the moon before turning to face me and his smile widens “I'll always be here with you…trust me I'm not going anywhere”
I stare up at him and wipe away my tears as a smile grows on my face to match his. I get up and stare over the balcony with him. “So where are we heading next?” I say to him, Preston pulls the map we got from the man cave downstairs out from his pocket.
“After I got out of the shower I decided to take a look at the map for anything interesting we could see.”
“Ok did you find anything?” i ask
“I did,” he points at a spot on the right of the map. “We should head to the museum”
“I didn't want to go to a museum before the apocalypse why would i want to go now?'' I ask him.
“Well the best part of museums is the cool stuff right”
“Yeah what about it”
“The only problem is that you could only look at the fossils and armor but you could never take them.”
“So you want to rob a museum?” Prestons eyes light up at the question
“Exactly they might have a really cool sword I could use, or I could sharpen a dinosaur tooth and use that as a weapon, there might be a cursed shield that can summon the dead to fight for you. This opportunity is too good to pass up. We need to go!”
“That does seem pretty cool but wouldn't carrying that stuff weigh us down. What if a glanter is chasing us and we can't run fast enough because of the stuff we took from the museum.”
“We’ll only take things that are light. Even then I could just block the glanter with my newly acquired 2000 year old shield.”
“Fair enough we can go in a couple hours” I yawn and stretch out my arms. “Cause I'm feeling way too tired to walk all the way over there right now.”
“Alright i'm heading back to my couch and THEN we’ll head out to the museum” he leaves the balcony and heads back to the master bedroom leaving me alone on the balcony.
“Thanks Preston I'm not leaving either” I say into the sky. I turn around and walk back inside the house, closing the balcony door behind me. I walk back into the bedroom and Preston is hunched over and holding a flashlight looking at the map. He’s drawing lines through roads and marking X’s in different areas.
“What are the X’s for?” i ask him
“They’re places that glanter’s usually stay around. I'm marking them off so we remember not to go through them, or at least be more cautious.”
“Cool. Did you find where we are right now?” He points to an area where the lines all converge out of.
“Right around here is where the neighborhood ends. So if we follow this path we can make it to the museum in one piece” I pat him on the back and take the map from his hands.
“Get some sleep Preston, we have a full day tomorrow” he grins to himself before laying down on the couch. I put the map back into my bag and hop on the bed to get to sleep. I cover my body in the quilt and roll over facing away from Preston as he falls asleep. I nestle myself into the bed and slowly fall asleep to get ready for the next day.
I'm awoken by Preston shaking the bed I'm sleeping on. My eyes open and the room is foggy, I wipe away the sleep from my eyes and focus my attention towards Preston. He's practically jumping out of his skin with excitement, he's already fully dressed for the trip and shaking the bed with a wide smile on his face.
“Ok ok i'm up the air feels heavy as a groggy feeling fills my body. I wipe my eyes and the room starts to clear up. I turn to face Preston. He's still shaking my bed to wake me up, he’s already fully dressed and nearly jumping out of his skin in excitement.
“Ok ok, i'm up you can stop shaking the bed” i say
“Then get up we’ve got a long walk ahead of us” he says as he stops shaking the mattress. He grabs the map from my bag and points to one of the red lines.
“We're gonna follow this way to the museum. We’ll move past the hotel around the ice skating rink and around the park. We’ll mainly stick to walking through the streets, we might have to go rooftop hopping to avoid any glanter’s if we see them but i'm sure we won’t reach that point.” he explains
“Wait, wait, wait, why are avoiding the skating rink and the park” i ask
“ everytime we go near the park there's weird noises and light coming out of it”
“And why can't we go to the ice skating rink?”
“I didn't think it would be important”
“It couldn't hurt to check it out at least”
“Fine we could make a detour”
“Ok and how do you plan on getting on top of roofs?”
“I'm sure we'll figure it out when we get to it”
“Ok man as long as you’re sure '' I yawn and step out of the bed. Preston starts to put the map in his bag. I walk into the bathroom with my clothes and change out of my pajamas. Minutes later I walk out and see Preston sitting on the couch twiddling his thumbs.
“Finally you're out” he smiles at me before handing me my bag and slinging it over his shoulder. We took a last look inside the kitchen to see if we missed anything. Afterwards we leave for the outside. The cold air bites at my face but Preston walks down the stairs, his face buried in the map. I jog to catch up to him as we both head into the street.
“Hey Preston, could I see the map?”
“Sure” he hands over the map and continues walking. I look at the map and the numerous lines drawn on roads. I look at the corner of the map and notice a small map key with numerous symbols for different areas like a library, school, hospital, and more. There's even a way to tell how far away each location is. The text reads “1 inch=5 miles” I quickly count how far we are from the museum.
“Dude this museum is like 100 miles away.”
“Yep it'll be a long walk, it'll take us a while to get there”
“Did you plan on us walking there the whole time?”
“We might find bikes or something.” he pauses “well i did think we would walk the whole way”
“This is gonna take us weeks to get there!”
“Did you have anything else planned?”
“Well…i guess not but we should still try to find some bikes or something”
“Ok if we see any way to travel faster we’ll take it”
“Alright cool” I hand him the map back and he folds it back up and puts it in his bag. We walk further until we leave the gated neighborhood we started in. Preston takes the map back out and looks at it before he turns right and continues walking. I follow him staring forward at the expanse of the road. The outside of the neighborhood is surrounded by roads all leading to different parts of Newkinawa. We walk past a sign that reads “Coretown 20 miles ahead” I nudge Preston towards the sign and he checks the map again.
“Yep, the museum’s in Coretown. Would you believe the residents were pretty proud of it. Should be a fun place to explore” he says
“Yeah but it’ll take us a million years to get there.” i complain
“Lighten up, I'm sure it will be worth it”. We continue walking down the road slowly making our way to Coretown.

TL;DR: is “My Tears Ricochet” a letter from Taylor AND the Gaylors to Taylor™️?
I am a baby Gaylor (but all in and full fledged) and this is my first genuine post to this community. Please forgive me if this has been done before!
Throughout the rollout and processing of TTPD, I was inclined to go back through Folkmore. As a pansexual who was in a closet surrounded by fundamentalists on all sides for much of life, I CANNOT believe these albums are just “fictional stories”. There are a lot of songs on both albums that seem to back this theory up (IMO), but the lyrics that I really wanted to focus on are those of “My Tears Ricochet.”
“We gather here, we line up weeping in a sunlit room” - This is, at face value, the obvious imagery of a funeral. I believe this is the funeral of real Taylor being laid to rest by Taylor™️ after the failed coming out of 2019.
“And if I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too”

 - Real Taylor is telling Taylor™️ that, even she stays in the closet forever, it will always affect Taylor™️ since they’re always going to be interwoven together by the very nature of humanity. 

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe All the hell you gave me Because I loved you, I swear I loved you Until my dying day”
“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”

 - To me, this really sounds like real Taylor admitting that she’s allowed herself to be seen minimally and couldn’t be completely silenced because that is her TRUE self. She can’t “gracefully” keep her true, queer self completely quiet. 

“And you’re the hero flying around saving face”

 - I think the ‘hero’ is Taylor™️ (and possibly a layered reference to Tree) and all the PR damage control after all the various scandals (Kissgate, all the bearding/PR relationships that were ultra flimsy, etcetera) to keep the public eye from speculating TOO MUCH (except for Gaylors, of course lol) 

“And if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?”

 - Real Taylor here is referring to the 2019 failed coming out as her “death” and Taylor™️ still being at the funeral for real Taylor could symbolize all the queer flagging she continues to ramp up for us to see, even after the failed coming out. 

“Cursing my name, wishing I stayed, look at how my tears ricochet”

 - I think this is real Taylor expressing regret and disappointment that she didn’t go through with coming out in 2019 anyway, despite the masters fiasco. The decision to use the word “ricochet” seems very intentional to me, as we know our girlie likes to be meticulous. The actual definition is that of a projectile object striking a surface and bouncing off of it to land on a different surface (paraphrasing). I think she’s referring to the pain of not being able to come out being shared and felt by all the Gaylors/fans that were let down by the failed event of 2019. She’s acknowledging that other people beside her were hurt by it and making sure Taylor™️ and the team know that. 

“We gather stones, never knowing what they’ll mean; some to throw, some to make a diamond ring”

 - I think the stones represent all of her Easter eggs. The “stones to throw” would be all of the red herrings and the stones to “make a diamond ring” would represent all of her flagging for those she knows understand them. 

“You know I didn’t want to have to haunt you but what a ghostly scene”

 - Real Taylor musing that she wouldn’t be still dropping all the clues and eggs from Taylor™️ for her supportive Gaylors if she had been able to come out in 2019. 

“You wear the same jewels that I gave you as you bury me”

 - I think the jewels represent all of the new fans and exposure that Taylor™️ received during her public allyship through the rollout of Lover leading up the failed coming out. Taylor™️ has been able to keep most, if not all, of those things - even after the failed coming out. 

“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace because when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave And if I am dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet”
“And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home”

 - Real Taylor is alive and well in the hearts and minds of the Gaylors and she knows that, but “home” could represent the merging of her true identity with the brand, bringing congruency to her existence. In this case, it’s the one thing that hasn’t been able to happen. 

“And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones”

 - No matter how much Taylor™️ has tried to shut out real Taylor, real Taylor cannot be completely silenced because it is her true identity. 

“And I still talk to you, when I’m screaming at the sky And when you can’t sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies”

 - To me, this seems like a direct reference to the stolen masters. The phrase “stolen lullabies” feels so specific and that event is what is largely speculated to be what derailed her coming out. 

“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace So the battleships will sink beneath the waves”

 - This is not the only time that Taylor refers to “ships beneath waves”. I can specifically reference the intro to “Gold Rush” where she mentions “hearts are sinking ships”. I would love it if someone else had some references from other lyrics or if there’s any other lore out there already regarding “ships” that I’m missing, but it stood out to me for sure. 

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same”

 - Even though Taylor™️ determined it was better for the brand to cancel the coming out, this could still be the pain of loss that Taylor feels for the missed out trajectory that WOULD have been Taylor™️ following Karma and the coming out. 

“Cursing my name, wishing I’d stayed You turned into your worst fears”

 - Taylor regretting that she stayed in the closet, likely realizing she compromised on something so precious to her. 

“And you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years”

 - This is a pretty good reach here (🤡) but I can’t get out of my head that this could even reference the long-suspected drunken liking-spree she went on after Kissgate, was either forced to undo all of that the next day (or came to her closeted senses 😫) and felt like she was “crossing out the good years” that she could be enjoying the full freedom of being her full self in the open during the prime of her life. 

“Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet”
Phew…. That was a doozy. Thanks for hanging in there! 🤡

My younger brother ended his life last week. I feel this knot in my stomach that doesn’t want to go away. I’m still in disbelief, I talked to him a little over a week ago. Sometimes I cry but now I just feel nausea. I feel like I’m in a movie watching somebody else’s tragedy but it’s mine. He was my youngest sibling, he battled depression for over two decades and even attempted to take his own life a few times. These didn’t feel like real suicide attempts but instead cried for help. Over the years he would get better and then worse. My parents had him admitted a few times, but unfortunately my mom trusted him when he said he wasn’t going to do anything that night. He waited until the morning. My mom had to go through the horror of finding his lifeless body with his newly adopted dog sitting next to him.
My sister called me at work and when she called and said I should step away from my desk I knew immediately what she was going to say. I was shocked but not surprised. Now I retrace my last conversation with him and wonder if I ended the call reminding him that I love him. I regret that I didn’t respond to his last text and I feel sick to my stomach knowing I could’ve possibly changed the outcome instead I was too caught up complaining about my life to really listen to what he was feeling.
Another thought was that this had been planned over weeks. He had slowly been emptying his bank account to buy new tools that we believe he intended to leave for my dad. He called me and my sister to talk which doesn’t happen very often. As siblings we get caught up in our own lives and don’t talk as much as we should. One of the last things he did was adopt a dog. I thought this would be a turning point for him. It would give him a little more purpose. I think it made him happy for a short time and then back to his previous state or maybe even lower. We always thought his highs were higher and his lows were lower. He did ask me to take the dog (in his letter) because part of our conversation was about taking the dog back to the shelter. This made me upset, I had no idea why he was considering doing this. In the end he was really hard on himself. Things that would make a mildly unpleasant day seemed to hit him hard. Also my dad thinks once he found a way to take his life painlessly it made his decision much easier. I don’t know how to process this pain. I want to scream and cry but the medication I take helps a little bit, but not enough. Going to the funeral home to see him one last time (even though the funeral director advised against it since he was being cremated). I needed that closure. I wanted to hug him once last time, but I knew it was just his body.
I think about our lives and how different we turned out and feel awful about how tormented he was and I didn’t really address it the way I should have. I wish I had a time machine so I could stop him. I wish I reminded him I loved him. I wish I responded to that last text. Those things will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don’t really think there is an afterlife but for his sake I hope there is because he deserves much better than what this life gave him.

I (20M) met my girlfriend (20F) in university over a year ago. We hung out in our friend group, but started texting and hanging out more 1 on 1. However, she is here in America just for a short time for studies. Before she went back home (Germany) for summer break last year, we had our first kiss and it was amazing. The days before she left, we would hang out all night and talk/stargaze.
After she went home, we stayed in constant communication and called/texted regularly. Finally she came back to the University after summer break. I picked her up from the airport and it was like she never left. I was so excited to start the semester. Our friend group was amazing and I was looking forward to all the memories we would make.
From the moment she came, we spent so much time together. Eventually we officially started dating, even though we were pretty much dating as soon as she came.
I had never experienced such a great time, until I met her. We’d always go on dates, but even the simpler things were fun too. We found comfort in eachother. A comfort we’d never felt before.
When the Fall semester ended, she went back home for winter break. This is when I knew our time could be coming to an end. I just didn’t want to think about her leaving so I always pushed it away.
She came back to school in January after break and we picked up our relationship exactly where we ended. Just two young people in love :). Over the past few months I’ve had the most fun ever and got so used to always being with each other.
Now for the sad part.. She made the toughest decision and realized she could not come back to school in America since it was expensive and did not make sense due to her major. We knew our time was coming to an unfortunate ending. I made it clear that I would be unable to be in a long distance relationship since she could never live in America and I could never live in Germany. We agreed that a long distance relationship would ultimately fail without and end goal.
Yesterday was the last time I got the chance to be with her since her flight was this morning. My friends and I threw a pool party for her to show how much we will miss her. After, we had some alone time and exchanged a few final gifts. We kissed, talked and cried. Could not believe how fast the time flew. She wrote me multiple letters and I ball my eyes out just by thinking about them. She’s a beautiful writer. I cry every time I think of our memories.
Has anyone else been in love but forced to break up? How do I overcome this pain?

hey guys! i know theres a huge amount of moody teenage posts on here but im looking for someone who's been in a similar situation and could give some advice! my friends had been planning a tanning day girl-only hangout for about two weeks which i told my boyfriend about as soon as i was told. i moved to my current highschool late so he understands how important getting invited to things like this are to me. the only things he gets upset over are me talking to other guys in group situations and not being able to control my alcohol at parties. the last time this happened was new years and be both made a deal that i would never drink that much again and put myself in a situation where guys could even think they had a chance of getting with me. besides that everything about our relationship has been perfect. he's caring, funny, my parents love him, and we have similar personalities. he was my first everything and became my genuine best friend over the last year. for the past week we had been fighting a bit, he was stressed over things going on in his life and i was stressing over finals and SAT, which we both ended up taking out on each other. anyways, yesterday at my friends tanning thing, the girls brought out two bottles of vodka and two cases of trulys and white claws. i texted him about this and he didn't care, but i definitely ended up drinking more than i should have. i spent an hour upstairs trying to not throw up but could barely talk or stand. when i came back down, guys from my friend group had shown up, since a lot of them are dating girls i'm friends with. my boyfriend is not part of their friend group because of the grade difference. i didn't tell my boyfriend this (obviously a mistake) but he ended up texting me asking if guys had shown up, which i responded yes but not anyone I knew ( a lie and also a mistake) to avoid him flipping out.i had no way of getting home and honestly didn’t want to leave these girls because i felt like i would missing out and still wanted to be invited. i didn't talk to any of the guys and went back upstairs because i felt sick and wanted to lay down. i don't remember the following but this is what my boyfriend says happened: he texted me and asked if we could hang that night, to which i said yes if he could pick me up because i couldn't drive. while texting he asks me if a specific guy (not someone i've talked to or flirted with, just someone he's had problems with before and believes wants to get with me) was at the house. i apparently lied to him and told him no. he then asked for the address so he could pick me up and i sent it to him, all of this still going on while i was in bed. my friend came up and told me i should eat something before i left so i went down and had a hamburger with my friends, sitting across from one of the guys. for the genuine first time that night i started talking to the guy in front of me showing him something funny on my friends phone. just as im doing this my boyfriend walks into the back yard and tells me we need to go. we get in the car and he's obviously upset. he tells me he got lied to and that i promised him i would stop acting like this, and that im now single. we drove around a little bit in silence since i couldn't go home the way i was and he didn't want to take me back to my friends because he was afraid i'd drive home. i eventually get home, he texts me and makes sure i got home safe, then blocks me on snapchat. the next morning i start texting him on imessage and he's stubborn on his decision to end things. I've begged him for hours to please not leave, and even brought him his chipotle order and a letter. he's still saying i love you but will not let up on ending things. do yall think there's a chance he comes back if i keep asking? or is something else i can do to stay with him? i understand needing space i just dont want our relationship to end over something like this. thank you for reading all the way through! he still hasn't told him mom we ended things and has been mostly responding to me, but now he's just asking me to stop texting him and just let it be. i want to stay with him more then i care about parties or drinking, but i already broke our promise so he won't believe me when i say that. any advice is welcome!