MAIORES. IV, CAL. IUNI. FORTUNA PRIMIGENIA.

This subject follows along from the general conclusion of infantilism, i.e. if we agree that infantilism exists in a culture that therefore all aspects of (such a culture) must be examined as to how they are impacted ‘by’ that infantilism, as: infantilism constitutes an undeveloped form of a thing; here (without covering absolutely every single aspect of it, as this could be a book in and of itself) we explore ‘sexual immaturity’ and its promulgation and consequences (of which we could easily make the case of the consequences as to be the cause of ‘all social ill’).
In an anthropological view; as if like we are looking at a chimpanzee colony, both procreation and familial-tribal child-raising takes place in our contemporary Western societies in a very clumsy sort of way; with the latter (i.e. the actual raising of children) not occurring at all, with the consequence of ‘arrested development’ – and usually we would recognize and name this, if we ever thought very deeply about it:
However, the notion that all of this could be reduced to and fathomed as ‘sexual immaturity’ is an interesting (and unexplored) avenue to approach these matters from; certainly the act of actual procreation is deliberately accidental (I mean here in the contemporary West) in that a Woman does “not seek a mate” and then become pregnant, i.e. she does not even the sexual act to be procreative, rather: she accidentally becomes pregnant (“it was a miracle”), having beforehand and all throughout the duration and beyond it a culture which is far detached from the physical reality of things and thus a new human is created with no forethought for its care or provision and no security net in place to provide for it and ensure its prosperity and intelligent up-bringing, and increasingly there are fewer and fewer intelligent older persons around who are capable of providing the education and care for that child as would naturally exist in the large familial-tribal unit of an extended family where, historically, we all came from and of which is still the norm across much of the world, (i.e. village elders who would otherwise raise the children up to be intelligent even if the Mother herself is too young to be a real parent - if we imagine as the species norm would be that most Women historically had their first child at around the age of fourteen or fifteen). Without, then, that familial-tribal unit to instruct and care for the child’s intellectual development and without either land to make a living from to provide tis economic development then we find a cursed life, that is: a life far more difficult than it otherwise ought be had it been born in a more wisely chosen environment.
My point here is that ‘procreation’ is considered almost never at all by our society as being the most basic step in the creation and promulgation ‘of’ a tribal unit; with procreation itself being left down to blind chance and more often either legitimately accidentally or feigned accidently so as to attempt to cement a relationship (see: divorce and break-up rates in the West), either way this is the material circumstance into which children are born.
To say, then, that not grasping this reality ‘is’ itself a product of sexual immaturity; i.e. a Woman who does not understand what a new human is, seems to me to be far more of an accurate view of the thing than to declare it as ‘sexual immorality’ as it is usually insisted by the Abramic types, as: rather obviously it is ‘Sexual Immaturity’ rather than ‘Sexual Immorality’ that is the really cause of (the above scenario), that is: it is not Men and Women knowing too much about sex but of Men and Women knowing virtually nothing at all and therefore absent of a practice and familiarity necessary for Sexual Maturity, with Sexual Maturity itself being the very thing declared to be Immorality - an irreconcilable paradox.
It seems to me, then, that the habits we observe of ‘accidental pregnancy’ are the natural occurrence in such an unnatural society; that is: a consequence of misplaced moralism over the vital mechanical sexual functions of the human body (a thing which may well dominate and drive our unconsciousness entirely) have been rendered so alien to our expression and consideration but of which are so incessant and irrepressible; that sexual release is habitually denied, I mean here societally (i.e. “it is not polite”), and only finds ‘permission’ to appear in extreme drunkenness in fits of frenzy, and so on, so that when procreation actually occurs it is sporadic and neither at that moment nor before it was the adult rational mind involved – again, this is plainly a consequence of ‘sexual immaturity’ ‘before’ it could ever be said to be a consequence of ‘sexual immorality’.
It’s worth considering, of our own society in contemporary times, how far removed we are from most of the world which practices arrange marriages in one form or another (i.e. whether we are speaking of large tribal units or smaller family units) and what the consequence of this is on our own communities being absent of that; that is: the most fertile years of our lives are not spent having gotten procreation out of the way by having five or six children by the age of twenty or nineteen (so that when the child is fifteen you might be thirty, which seems to be the age where the sexual drive begins to dissipate or has anyway lost its novelty), and instead (i.e. without of being match-made far earlier in life) procreation instead occurs – if it does at all – accidentally and well-past the most fertile and healthy years, with such children being often quite sickly and the strain on the body being significantly more risky to the Mother (haphazardly enabled only then by massive external resources which would not have been required at all beforehand). I do not mean to seem as if I am advocating “having five or six children by the age of twenty or nineteen” only that in our natural environment this has always been the way of the thing due to natural sexual exploration when we are at that age.
At the same time, at the beginning and at the end of this “waste of time” (as I would say) of those most fertile years in which our sexuality is forbidden to us; that culture which we examine here as being simply Sexual Immaturity, it has been the case that that “Immaturity” persists well into later life by those afflicted adults who were forbidden to practise their natural sexuality when they were at the age where they wanted to, that is that the culture and mentality of such persons subjected to such restrictions quite demonstrably can be shown to have regressed them to the point that, as then as adults, they dress as children, speak and think as children, shun adult responsibility and seem altogether to have matured intellectually no further than the age of twelve or thirteen years, despite physiologically and neurologically having surpassed far beyond that early almost larval-like stage of our development where the body and mind are both only partially formed.
Instead it has been the “dragging-out” of that childlike insensibility, again: to no useful outcome, which has by that point in time essentially mitigated most of their procreative potentiality in that 1) physically having children is then far more difficult for them, and 2) they are now twenty-five years behind where their familial-tribal unit might otherwise have been, i.e. they do not have five or six twenty year old children bringing in incomes to the Household (to purchase a Household in the first place if they did not possess one before) or working the land (or likewise to purchase land) so that their prosperity will not have developed beyond mere subsistence off of the external labour market so as to escape the poverty and dependency traps inherent in the cities – which nominally constitutes their entire existence ‘to’ escape such miseries. All in all it is a lot of hard work by that point and I could not help but notice, of my own generation and those slightly older, how this outcome would have been entirely altered and set on a more prosperous trajectory if, say, at the age of sixteen a couple had been put together and had a few children, as: by the age of twenty the best seeds would have been sewn and they would not have to even think about “having children” ever again which is itself a thing, I observe anyway, that is so daunting and bothersome later in life that it really is something better gotten out of the way as early as possible in the manner that we would have done quite naturally otherwise.
If the idea here is to build up that familial-tribal unit then this methodology serves the purpose in the most optimal manner; the adults are freed up and enjoy their liberties, the younger adults (i.e. the teenagers) are preoccupied quite happily fulfilling their single greatest biological urges to have sex as much as they like, and the population figures begin to climb up at a rate of replacement which is far superior, e.g. a thirty year old parent of a fifteen year old only has five years before that fifteen year becomes a physically matured adult ready to contribute to the unit, whereas by contrast a thirty year old parent of a five year old has a great longer time to wait for physical maturity so that the distance between the two age groups becomes fragile and thin the further it is stretched with a concurrent loss of replacement manpower by a space of ten additional years.
There is something to be said for the older more experienced Father, of course, I remember quite well that the children I grew up with whose Fathers were in their forties and fifties and whose Mothers were in their twenties or very early thirties were quite better-off in their disposition and intelligence (whilst those with older Mothers tended to be sickly in one way or another); simply put though I think it is more to do with the experience of age as the influencing factor than anything else and a functional familial-tribal unit would have this influence in far greater capacity.
If we add to this factor the notion of polygamy (something shunned as ‘pagan’ by the Abramic religions yet advocated for in their own holy books, indeed: it was the universal norm) then we find the whole circle being completed in that young teenagers do as they please with each other, becoming familiar with relationship and their sexuality, and then when they reach a more mature age they might marry each other or other people properly so as to begin families of their own; but that by that age they may well have produced several children already via multiple partners so that the actual ‘legitimate children’ (in the sense of inheriting land and titles) of a more formal marriage is superfluous to population replacement insofar as the tribe is concerned, as: they have already increased the headcount quite massively by comparison. It is worth mentioning here the legal problems of land inheritance and the seeming inability for people to ever work this all out amongst themselves as being one of the most desirable points of the introduction of some of the Abramic religions, when they first appeared, as rules were laid out of who could inherit (some rules more effective than others, some quite ruinous in fact) which provided a framework in perpetuity (but on the other hand, with all children being considered legitimate in some instances, i.e. the children of concubines, this produced the problem of “all children” being in competition for the single title or, in turn, a vast spread of land, i.e. a Kingdom, being broken apart “to make it all fair”: this did not differ in form from, say, Imperial China to the late Ottoman court whilst the European Monarchies to their credit, somewhat, temporarily solved the matter by the allocation of specific titles to be given to the first born, second born, third born, etc., and then bouncing back to the Monarch upon the death of that Duke to be allocated again – although some would say this is a feeble manner by which to govern large polities it differs not very much from the essential ‘oversight’ duties over local governments as practiced in the Roman Principate rather than direct-governorship over those provinces themselves).
The tribal influence in real terms upon children cannot be understated in its superior effects upon the character and long-term capacity of the children themselves (when compared to others); I have some experience in my own up-bringing with this and really the outcome (again: compared to the infantilism, i.e. arrested development, you will almost always find in the nuclear family type, which we might easily compare to factory farmed within four walls and a hen-pecking parental authority vs. free range) is a quite more matured and capable disposition (call it “street smarts” if you like; they follow what actually works rather than what is ‘pretended to them’ to work, which is typically nothing more than the parents own whimsical desires of the moment) amongst all the children when they are simply freed up from the poor influence of an unfit parent even without the good influence of a more fit parent of which, then, the fit parent itself could be determined to be largely superfluous, as: of their own accord they learn amongst themselves and become naturally fortified against being instructed into error by a witless or ill-inclined adult, whereas a child stuck under the thumb of a witless ‘parent’ has no means to disobey that witless parent without facing severe punishments and so there the child is sculpted into a helpless fool, later embittered in life and at the tender mercy of their peers, as: even as they might innately know-better (than to do the foolish thing their parent demands they do) they are forced nevertheless, either physically punished or emotionally coerced, into adopting the ‘silly walk’ and ‘dress’ of the witless parent, which is to say: they are forced into conforming toward the cultural idealism determined by the parent with no thought whatsoever for the practicalities of life, e.g. the matter of “how will my child earn a living” is addressed neither by parenting nor by schools thus begrudgingly selling themselves auction block of the labour market turns out to be the only method, whether they were deluded into thinking that their aspirations to be a professional athlete or an astronaut were entertained and encouraged for them at the expense of informing them about any other means of paying the rent or not.
I should say here that when I say “familial-tribal unit” I am broadly referring to any number of groupings, in whatsoever local forms they may take shape, but that the decisive factor, most chiefly, will be a large extended family network of which, if it ever needed to pool its resource together, would constitute a decent size force in land, resource production and manpower – but chiefly it is the possession of land which enables everything else:
More ideally, to my mind, it would resemble (or be very close in composition to) that Roman ‘Familia’ (the origin of the word ‘Family’ in our English) where a fairly large blood family of at least five generations inhabited in and around the same House or group of Houses (see: Palace, Villa and Manor Economy), with servants and adoptees and associates (business partners) likewise being considered as extended kin; altogether forming, as it were, a little nationality. In the sense of ‘Nationality’ it is, it ought be said, more a return to how we actually were prior to the ‘naming conventions’ of the 1700’s or so where the stupid surnames made up on the spot of many Europeans were forced into Law over what would have originally been clan and tribal identities and from which there came that fake sense of disparate ‘Nationality’ (i.e. cut off from tribe and forced into atomization; identity through a very small family unit alone) from which the misnomer of ‘Race’ would be made-up to lend credibility to. In many ways a great deal of the urbane ‘neurosis’, let’s call it, stems really from this absence of ‘true tribe’ with it having been eradicated either by the fecklessness of urban societies; societies of strangers and thieves, and also more directly via those religions which pretend to fill the void of ‘true tribe’ with their witless rituals and effete pretences – things which are a wet-blanket over true fellowship wrought in such a manner as comes in all reality perfectly naturally the moment the screws holding foolishness in place are undone and cast away – and really here, when we stack these observations together one upon the other, we are really speaking of a sound and strong society certainly immune to the shallow perversity created by denialism toward the basic mechanics of the human body – in addition to any other considerations which follow from that.

THE OVERALL INFLUENCE (OR LACK THEREOF) OF A TRIBAL-FAMILIAL UNIT

It must be considered quite seriously by the reader as to the overall influence, or lack thereof, of a tribal-familial unit as to what fills its place in the education of people otherwise and, as I began this text by considering for myself, how much of the ‘dysfunctionality’ can be attributed to the “lack thereof”.
Along with the cultural instance on sexual immaturity as to produce the consequence of delaying and drawing out for decades a fetish of normal sexuality which ought naturally be done with by a person after reaching the age, say, of maybe seventeen, there is the greater point which I am trying to relay here in this text of how many other aspects of ‘bad culture’ are singularly anchored to and thusly totally dependent upon that sexual immaturity – that is: we would be hard-pressed to imagine how really many of the pernicious scenarios in our contemporary society would even arise if that foundation stone of ‘sexual immaturity’ were removed from the equation:
For instance, how much of a ‘relationship’ is spent and sculpted (either by the Man or the Woman or both) on jealously and worry of the other ending the relationship for having found another person or another means to fulfil their sexual gratification? If a ‘relationship’ is based upon, let’s call this, “mutual masturbation” then at the heart of that is sexual immaturity of the mental age of maybe fourteen years whereupon a person has been sort of coaxed into dependency for orgasm on a third party; they are fraught and fearful that this should be taken away from them – it being so vital as like a mechanical necessity for either sex – that the entire content of their ‘relationship’ revolves around it; seeking it, coaxing it, demanding it, guarding it from be lost, and so on, of which I think it is not exaggeration to say that such concerns constitute 100% of the verbal interaction in such a ‘couple’; either outright or in the back of the mind so as to reinterpret all scenarios and verbal expressions as being related to that end-goal of maintaining the “mutual masturbation”.
Simply put this ‘relationship’, then, revolves around twenty minutes of sexual activity in a day – if that much (or even if every day), yet dominates the entirety of the mind; that is: the entirety of the ‘relationship’, when this action itself is something that a servant or a slave or a prostitute would be used for in many societies, with the ‘content’ of the marriage, say, being concerned more with running the business of a Household or concerned with procreation to produce legitimate children to inherit the business, the title, the land, whatever. My point here is that neither Man nor Woman are elevated or their dignity improved, somehow, by this absence of sexual maturity but rather that both are reduced; i.e. greatly lowered, to the cognitive and social standing of the “servant, slave, prostitute,” in that as far as they think of and conceptualize themselves as part of a Household at all it is singularly the concern with simple sexual acts which dominate their interpersonal interactions and their ideas about their own self; it is their ‘social currency’.
If this seems alien – I mean my observation on this – consider how much neurosis goes on in the daily grooming rituals of Women or those sad excuses for Men who “lift weights but cannot fight” (not to mention the ease at which a thin muscular physique bleeds out at the slightest of puncture wounds, see: Roman Gladiator training), i.e. whose only concern is that of admiring their own bodies in a mirror, this being intellectually identical to young Women. Is this not the mentally of a slave? If so, even if we shy away from saying it plainly, then we must ask “what forms the mentality of a slave (i.e. where does it come from)” – in the above equation a slave in a Household is more like an object fulfilling a function than He or She is a person with any autonomy (well, obviously there is no autonomy for a slave) so it is almost to be expected that in such an environment that the intellectual trajectory of an object-person goes away from externalities and becomes entirely absorbed with self-presentation and equates their social status from that, and if groups of such persons will set this to be the common culture; deriving status in that manner among themselves – although still these are slaves possessing no ‘status’ to speak of, as being object-people. This is evidenced also in victims of sexual abuse or those, in general, suffering at the hands of third parties whose autonomy is in some way or another restricted; that their singular focus becomes that of sexuality as like depression is “rage turned inward”, thus too it seems for sexual infantilism.
I cannot pass up this subject without mentioning a series of interviews describing, a thing quite novel to me, the notion of American Christian ‘Purity Culture’ from the point of view of those heavily indoctrinated into that; instilled with Catholic levels of guilt over the normal function of the body, who have then left their small churches or megachurches, or whatever, and spoken plainly about the mentality of those inside of it as relating to sexuality. It is a thing I think long suspected but seldom expressed that, as it was described, the mentality of such persons is that they are “horny all the time” due to the relentless guilt inculcated into them; that due to denialism of sexuality their ordinary sexual impulses are magnified to an incredible degree and that, consequentially, their entire being is animated by repressed sexuality so that their thoughts are ‘impure’ all the time whilst verbally they express strong denialism and shame over the thing. I think this is no real difference to any such religious malinstruction; be it Muslim, Jewish or Christian, in that the perpetual infantilism of their surrounding society stems first of all from their own bedrock religious culture (i.e. whatever religion which is at odds with the human body, etc.) were due to such ‘culture’ they never really get over, say, an early adolescent view of sexuality where they are driven entirely by it and never learn to overcome it, no pun intended, but utterly unrealized – which would take them leaving their religion – is that this process demonstrably brings out the absolute worst in their character and disposition with the process itself being the promulgation ‘of’ those very “Viceful thoughts ” that they claim to be “at War with in the world”, in other words: it is just they themselves who, for example, look at a young teenage girl (or god help us, a small boy) and thinks all manner of sexual rapacity – and that this animates them politically to campaign for restrictive legislation to be put into Law to police “all society” as if “all society” existed at their low level is an incredible thing to consider. But I do not think their broader societies are any exception to this, rather point here is that their broader societies are comprised of persons exactly like them; that the Christian or the Jew driven by a lifetimes shaming over their normal sexuality adopt, in turn, the most depraved expressions ‘of’ sexuality as a self-affirmation; that is: the extreme self-identification with a simple sexual action, for example, came to literally define a persons personality in such places to the point that (Americans anyway) seriously put out the notion during the late 1990’s and 2000’s that a fleeting sexual act 1) defines a persons entire character, and 2) it is also inborn, e.g. as like to say that whether you prefer this or that on the menu at a restaurant is something determined genetically; this is utterly stupid and utterly, in my opinion, a consequence of society which has not wanted to evolve beyond the ‘sexual immaturity’ of which physiologically seems to occupy a very small window of the middle to late teens and of which repression during those ages quite demonstrably creates madness and retardation – I mean that if their culture did not peripherally do this to them then the manner by which swathes of their cultural-historical institutions do this to them ‘outright’ by inculcation into this process in particular certainly does it to them, and merely it is the unwillingness to fully condemn these Religions and relegate these influences to the dustbin which keeps the entire thing ticking along with “just enough” of the population bent out of shape by it to present those same persons, seemingly confused as to where they came from, lumbering through the broader society and serving as examples of lunacy and degeneracy.
In short - and I may as well add this here also, the aim to abstain for a while from sexuality was a custom introduced by the Ancient Romans and was designed to heighten sexual pleasure; in effect, then, foreign barbarians coming to this culture much later on with nobody to really explain it to them ended up unwittingly engaging in what they would probably have recognized as ‘sex magic’ whereupon the denial of their own mechanical sexual function was ‘abstained’ by them; i.e. they saw the value in holding off on doing drugs or having sex for a while, – but they did not understand what the effect or the outcome of that was ‘intended’ to be in that one would abstain specifically ‘to’ heighten the senses toward that pleasure; and this is evidenced chiefly in the Lunar Orgies and the Fast/s of Ceres. Interestingly, Jesus himself in (i think the Gospel of Thomas?) mentions to his followers that “they will hate him for what he says now,” and that he says that “fasting brings out all the worst in them” – in other words, engaging in periodic abstinence will turn them all horny. Knowing this from a relatively early age it was no surprise to me at all why celibate priests ended up diddling children or member of their own congregation or why the most outwardly pious zealots proved to be the most morally weak people to be found as even with the most ‘clean’ example, let’s say, of a person who has never drank wine, for example, they have not ‘overcome’ that thing but have rather avoided ever experiencing that thing so that it will always be a novel temptation to them of which they will have no understanding of and which they can be leveraged by in various ways primarily due to their ignorance of which ‘experience itself’ would otherwise render them far more fortified against:
A good example here is the ‘pot scare’ of the early 1930’s in America when it was seriously believed by a wholly ignorant chunk of the urbane voting public that smoking cannabis (and drinking alcohol, for that matter) would turn a person into a serial killer, this is totally bizarre to us now, but notice that this was the same society whose moral standard was that “a table leg” should not be uncovered because it reminded them of a Womans bare leg – although here we might better understand why they were so preoccupied by thoughts like that (I think very seriously in their heightened state of perpetual arousal any little thing would send them to buggery of a farmyard creature)! Hilarious. But – notice also that this was the same society which was engaging in some of the most casually egregious inhumane criminality that history had ever seen, as if they ‘were’ high on narcotics and their rational senses dulled; I do not mean here to bring American notions of ‘Race’ into this as to be seen to ‘condemn Black Slavery’ in the fashion of my own day (although we mentioned family-tribe as a better form of so-called nationality earlier) but the ghastly images of actual Country Fairs where smiling families with children by their knees would pose for crude photographs with the charcoaled or bloated rotting carcass of a burned or lynched Man is beyond my ability to play-down or normalize. I mean here to say, that: far from the pretense of ‘clean mindedness’ of such persons about themselves that we find these same persons are the filthiest and most depraved characters around, being those few persons who walk amongst us who are actually capable of doing those inhumane things (again, see: Banality of Evil) as would be unthinkable to a person of normal rational healthy conscience. We might connect this, also, to the historical BDSM extravaganzas which took place in the Christian monasteries and public squares for many centuries where young Women were sexually tortured by celibate clergymen as to recognize how deep and quick a plunge it is from a person or their culture going from the denial of normal healthy sexuality into the kettled and sadistic gore fetish of outright murder.
It is always worth reminding the reader who wishes to minimize these more egregious aspects of the subject (as rape is still rampant among the clergy); which are consequential of sexual immaturity, that it was not ‘reason and rationality’ per se that stamped this out from European society but soldiers kicking in the doors of such Churches, Town Halls and Houses with muskets, rifles, long knives and grape-shot and physically eradicating the perpetrators and their willing congregations from America and France for the practice itself of sexually torturing a Woman and then burning the evidence on the fake pretexts of obviously made-up accusations of “she turned me into a frog” to actually be ended. That is to say that the ‘mentality’ and ‘culture’ which provided the framework for such inhumane activities was never formally realized or educated-out of a people, so to find it lingers along into contemporary times; animating the otherwise dormant farmyard animal-like character of such persons “like powers of evil”, is not surprising to me in the least. What was more surprising to me is that as so much of these religions are so obviously outright ‘evil’ that more persons do not speak of the intricacies of the things in such necessary detail these more ‘egregious’ cases would qualify, and then to spool back to discover the cause of every evil action in the mentality of every perpetrator – generally speaking, for instance, it will be a character with a disposition of infantilism and perhaps this is more easy to understand without needing to connect it to sexual immaturity though, to my mind, these are not distinct enough to warrant any separation; as: infantilism is always going to be immaturity and immaturity is always going to run concurrent with a lack of adult intellectual development where a mature and experienced view of a thing, sexuality in this case, has likely been within the powers of a person to have gleaned naturally through experiences – in which case there would be no argument with anything I say here, or of which such experiences have been prevented by external powers from being gleaned by the person in question; in which case they remain ‘as if’ they were fourteen years old with the allure of mysterious unknown sex acts utterly dominating their consciousness at all times and yet physically being thirty, forty, fifty years old – well past the age (certainly physiologically) where they should have gotten it all out of their system but of which they have not, chiefly because their experiences have been rather dull and monotone and so much social currency has been valued by it ‘being’ dull and monotone, e.g. monogamy, legal repercussions binding two people in place, the atomized kettling nature of the disconnected nuclear family unit, living amongst strangers in large cities where it not so simple as just going topless to change the local culture, control through the selective denial of the sex act itself (as William Reich and Esther Vilar both write on), the sexualisation of young people by adults, the accidental ‘perversity’ (in the real meaning of the word) of unfulfilled (or poorly fulfilled, or repressed altogether) sexuality and its effects on the brain and society, and so on and so on.
I am always inclined to think when considering this subject, and I may as well end this text in conclusion with this recurrent thought of mine, that ‘sexual perversion’ really begins in the mind of ourselves as young teenagers when the normal human body is leeringly presented to us as being something ‘illicit’, e.g. the breasts of Women are concealed in our society and so due to ‘hiding them away’ they become objects of mystery and fetish which they otherwise are not. I do not think this is deliberate reverse psychology (as god help us few enough people even understand the concept to understand what they do inadvertently) but it produces the same consequence of reverse psychology, whereupon quite arbitrarily a certain piece of the body, say, an ankle, is all of a sudden declared by a mad Adult to be “evil, sinful, lustful, of the devil,” when no such notion existed in the minds of people otherwise, as then: their natural curiosity is piqued by this imposition and so they develop a perversion dervied in chief part – as a sense of lewd pleasure – from bucking the arbitrary nonsensical imposition forced upon them by that dictate of which such a scenario never would have had cause to occur if not for that imposition having created it. I feel that this ‘perversion’ (again, in the real meaning of that word) stands in the way of a fully realized and fully pursued sense of actual sexuality and, from it, of a more resonant concordance between Men and Women whose interactions are otherwise thrown off balance by such impositions as they are dragged back down to sexual immaturity all the time; or into fear and jealously etc., as like a dozen avenues are presented in any conversation and virtually of them are strewn with piss, vomit and polyfoam which had no reason to be put there in the first place, or more accurately: it was put there through the carelessness of an atomized and witless peoples who knew no better than to do this to themselves but of which a familial-tribal unit would have drummed out of them quick sharp if for the actuality of nothing else than “we are all in this together” being something that is tangibly true and not merely shallow political rhetoric when it is said of a tribe vs. when it is said of a state polity comprised of countless strangers.

MAIORES. IV, CAL. IUNI. FORTUNA PRIMIGENIA.

Me (19F) dated recently a guy for 7 months (22M) that is undoubtedly the worst person I’ve ever met. It took me a lot of time to notice his true colours as he was wearing a mask the whole time. Here are a few of the most alarming things he has done. As we went no contact, I rethink them, thinking what I went through
Extremely focused on his physical appearance. He always needs to look neat in an obsessive way and overthinks that everyone will constantly look at him.
Very stubborn and hateful of others. Usually expresses openly his dislike for others and gets frustrated when his friends don’t agree with him
Extremely judgmental about everyone but himself. Does a lot of problematic things and justifies it by saying “it’s wrong only if you get caught”
When we were planning to go on a trip, I suggested telling 2 female friends of mine to come and stay on different rooms or even hotels. He got mad and said that I don’t care about him and I just want to go on vacations and have fun, that this is a special moment of only the two of us and that if I love my friends that much I could go only with them and have a threesome.
He had a childhood female best friend. They used to fight a lot and they went no contact and got back together like 3 times. This girl has a very problematic mother, they have an unstable relationship. Her mother gets along with him, they continue to hang around until now. The final time they had an argument and went no contact, he started criticising her a lot to her mother and telling things about her that he knew her mother wouldn’t like. He ruined their relationship even more. At some point he told me “I have a strong urge to tell her that even her own mother loves me more than her”.
In every job he gets, at first he makes a great impression, he is happy with it and after a while he starts to hate the job and everyone there until he quits. In one of him summer jobs, a colleague had an attitude with him and he got mad and criticised him heavily to one of the highest managers (with is a friend of his uncle). Then he got him on a lot of trouble and damaged his reputation.
In another job, the manager didn’t like him and used to criticise him instead of always praising him as he expected. At some point he got so triggered That he took off his apron and threw it at him in the middle of the shift and demanded to give him the paper for quitting right then (it was a very busy time).
In another job, he used to steal from the cash desk and re print old checks.
He went through my phone without letting me know. Then he saw a text of a male friend that he considered too friendly and stared a huge argument. When I told him that him looking through my phone was bad, he said “it’s not my fault you have such an easy password I saw one time and could memorise it, anyone could have access to your phone with a password like that”. When I asked him to look through this phone he literally hide it and change password
Everytime he spends his money, he visit his family members, complaining about his life in order to make them feel pity for him to give him money. Then he disappears until he turns broke again
He used to have a fake profile in order to stalk his old group of friends and go to the places they visited to bully them.
When meeting new people, he literally puts on a mask and over tries to appear like the best person, until time passes and his true self comes out
He was trying to convince me that my parents and brother have a manipulative attitude towards me and that I have to be more independent to not feed their ego by submitting to them
He used to call me terrible names when we ere having argument (like wh*re, the c word ect). When i comforted him, he was saying “I didn’t call you like that, I was saying that your particular behaviour was a behaviour of someone like that. If I thought you are like that I wouldn’t even bother explaining you what you do wrong.”

I put this in a paranormal group and was told to put this in a medium group could help?
When I was around 7 - 8 years old, I was staying at my grandmas for the weekend. This particular weekend we was helping her friend (fake name) Ellie move into her 3 bedroom house with her 2 children. She had expressed concern to my grandma at the time about being worried about this house as the man who lived there before died in there (I did not know this).
Anyways to set the scene it was getting late and it was quite dark at this point and the house wasn't very well lit up. Ellie was giving me a tour around the house and as we reached the second floor I remember feeling unsettled and anxious to go in the rooms as it was dark. Close to the door frame I saw as what my little mind could describe as paint dripping in 2 of 3 of the rooms. I remember saying to Ellie it's really nice but there is paint dripping and everyone was really confused. I started showing them where I was seeing these white drips coming from they couldn't find it and it had stopped by then.
I remember on the ways home my grandma saying to me I shouldn't have said that as Ellie was nervous about this house and told me about the man that had died there.
Ever since that day I would see the white dripping mostly near a door frame but not always, as it had caused such a fuss last time I never said anything about it again and had gotten used to seeing this.
Only until recently (I'm 19) I started to wonder what an earth I am seeing and have realised this is nr y normal. The best I can describe it as a flash of v. light that heads to the floor quickly, I usually see it in the corner of my eye but I can see it head on. I did I did try google but nothing came up.

Me (19F) dated recently a guy for 7 months (22M) that is undoubtedly the worst person I’ve ever met. It took me a lot of time to notice his true colours as he was wearing a mask the whole time. Here are a few of the most alarming things he has done.
Extremely focused on his physical appearance. He always needs to look neat in an obsessive way and overthinks that everyone will constantly look at him.
Very stubborn and hateful of others. Usually expresses openly his dislike for others and gets frustrated when his friends don’t agree with him
Extremely judgmental about everyone but himself. Does a lot of problematic things and justifies it by saying “it’s wrong only if you get caught”
When we were planning to go on a trip, I suggested telling 2 female friends of mine to come and stay on different rooms or even hotels. He got mad and said that I don’t care about him and I just want to go on vacations and have fun, that this is a special moment of only the two of us and that if I love my friends that much I could go only with them and have a threesome.
He had a childhood female best friend. They used to fight a lot and they went no contact and got back together like 3 times. This girl has a very problematic mother, they have an unstable relationship. Her mother gets along with him, they continue to hang around until now. The final time they had an argument and went no contact, he started criticising her a lot to her mother and telling things about her that he knew her mother wouldn’t like. He ruined their relationship even more. At some point he told me “I have a strong urge to tell her that even her own mother loves me more than her”.
In every job he gets, at first he makes a great impression, he is happy with it and after a while he starts to hate the job and everyone there until he quits. In one of him summer jobs, a colleague had an attitude with him and he got mad and criticised him heavily to one of the highest managers (with is a friend of his uncle). Then he got him on a lot of trouble and damaged his reputation.
In another job, the manager didn’t like him and used to criticise him instead of always praising him as he expected. At some point he got so triggered That he took off his apron and threw it at him in the middle of the shift and demanded to give him the paper for quitting right then (it was a very busy time).
In another job, he used to steal from the cash desk and re print old checks.
He went through my phone without letting me know. Then he saw a text of a male friend that he considered too friendly and stared a huge argument. When I told him that him looking through my phone was bad, he said “it’s not my fault you have such an easy password I saw one time and could memorise it, anyone could have access to your phone with a password like that”. When I asked him to look through this phone he literally hide it and change password
Everytime he spends his money, he visit his family members, complaining about his life in order to make them feel pity for him to give him money. Then he disappears until he turns broke again
He used to have a fake profile in order to stalk his old group of friends and go to the places they visited to bully them.
When meeting new people, he literally puts on a mask and over tries to appear like the best person, until time passes and his true self comes out
He was trying to convince me that my parents and brother have a manipulative attitude towards me and that I have to be more independent to not feed their ego by submitting to them

Me (19F) dated recently a guy for 7 months (22M) that is undoubtedly the worst person I’ve ever met. It took me a lot of time to notice his true colours as he was wearing a mask the whole time. Here are a few of the most alarming things he has done.
Extremely focused on his physical appearance. He always needs to look neat in an obsessive way and overthinks that everyone will constantly look at him.
Very stubborn and hateful of others. Usually expresses openly his dislike for others and gets frustrated when his friends don’t agree with him
Extremely judgmental about everyone but himself. Does a lot of problematic things and justifies it by saying “it’s wrong only if you get caught”
When we were planning to go on a trip, I suggested telling 2 female friends of mine to come and stay on different rooms or even hotels. He got mad and said that I don’t care about him and I just want to go on vacations and have fun, that this is a special moment of only the two of us and that if I love my friends that much I could go only with them and have a threesome.
He had a childhood female best friend. They used to fight a lot and they went no contact and got back together like 3 times. This girl has a very problematic mother, they have an unstable relationship. Her mother gets along with him, they continue to hang around until now. The final time they had an argument and went no contact, he started criticising her a lot to her mother and telling things about her that he knew her mother wouldn’t like. He ruined their relationship even more. At some point he told me “I have a strong urge to tell her that even her own mother loves me more than her”.
In every job he gets, at first he makes a great impression, he is happy with it and after a while he starts to hate the job and everyone there until he quits. In one of him summer jobs, a colleague had an attitude with him and he got mad and criticised him heavily to one of the highest managers (with is a friend of his uncle). Then he got him on a lot of trouble and damaged his reputation.
In another job, the manager didn’t like him and used to criticise him instead of always praising him as he expected. At some point he got so triggered That he took off his apron and threw it at him in the middle of the shift and demanded to give him the paper for quitting right then (it was a very busy time).
In another job, he used to steal from the cash desk and re print old checks.
He went through my phone without letting me know. Then he saw a text of a male friend that he considered too friendly and stared a huge argument. When I told him that him looking through my phone was bad, he said “it’s not my fault you have such an easy password I saw one time and could memorise it, anyone could have access to your phone with a password like that”. When I asked him to look through this phone he literally hide it and change password
Everytime he spends his money, he visit his family members, complaining about his life in order to make them feel pity for him to give him money. Then he disappears until he turns broke again
He used to have a fake profile in order to stalk his old group of friends and go to the places they visited to bully them.
When meeting new people, he literally puts on a mask and over tries to appear like the best person, until time passes and his true self comes out
He was trying to convince me that my parents and brother have a manipulative attitude towards me and that I have to be more independent to not feed their ego by submitting to them

Me (19F) dated recently a guy for 7 months (22M) that is undoubtedly the worst person I’ve ever met. It took me a lot of time to notice his true colours as he was wearing a mask the whole time. Here are a few of the most alarming things he has done.
Extremely focused on his physical appearance. He always needs to look neat in an obsessive way and overthinks that everyone will constantly look at him.
Very stubborn and hateful of others. Usually expresses openly his dislike for others and gets frustrated when his friends don’t agree with him
Extremely judgmental about everyone but himself. Does a lot of problematic things and justifies it by saying “it’s wrong only if you get caught”
When we were planning to go on a trip, I suggested telling 2 female friends of mine to come and stay on different rooms or even hotels. He got mad and said that I don’t care about him and I just want to go on vacations and have fun, that this is a special moment of only the two of us and that if I love my friends that much I could go only with them and have a threesome.
He had a childhood female best friend. They used to fight a lot and they went no contact and got back together like 3 times. This girl has a very problematic mother, they have an unstable relationship. Her mother gets along with him, they continue to hang around until now. The final time they had an argument and went no contact, he started criticising her a lot to her mother and telling things about her that he knew her mother wouldn’t like. He ruined their relationship even more. At some point he told me “I have a strong urge to tell her that even her own mother loves me more than her”.
In every job he gets, at first he makes a great impression, he is happy with it and after a while he starts to hate the job and everyone there until he quits. In one of him summer jobs, a colleague had an attitude with him and he got mad and criticised him heavily to one of the highest managers (with is a friend of his uncle). Then he got him on a lot of trouble and damaged his reputation.
In another job, the manager didn’t like him and used to criticise him instead of always praising him as he expected. At some point he got so triggered That he took off his apron and threw it at him in the middle of the shift and demanded to give him the paper for quitting right then (it was a very busy time).
In another job, he used to steal from the cash desk and re print old checks.
He went through my phone without letting me know. Then he saw a text of a male friend that he considered too friendly and stared a huge argument. When I told him that him looking through my phone was bad, he said “it’s not my fault you have such an easy password I saw one time and could memorise it, anyone could have access to your phone with a password like that”. When I asked him to look through this phone he literally hide it and change password
Everytime he spends his money, he visit his family members, complaining about his life in order to make them feel pity for him to give him money. Then he disappears until he turns broke again
He used to have a fake profile in order to stalk his old group of friends and go to the places they visited to bully them.
When meeting new people, he literally puts on a mask and over tries to appear like the best person, until time passes and his true self comes out
He was trying to convince me that my parents and brother have a manipulative attitude towards me and that I have to be more independent to not feed their ego by submitting to them

Me (19F) dated recently a guy for 7 months (22M) that is undoubtedly the worst person I’ve ever met. It took me a lot of time to notice his true colours as he was wearing a mask the whole time. Here are a few of the most alarming things he has done.
Extremely focused on his physical appearance. He always needs to look neat in an obsessive way and overthinks that everyone will constantly look at him.
Very stubborn and hateful of others. Usually expresses openly his dislike for others and gets frustrated when his friends don’t agree with him
Extremely judgmental about everyone but himself. Does a lot of problematic things and justifies it by saying “it’s wrong only if you get caught”
When we were planning to go on a trip, I suggested telling 2 female friends of mine to come and stay on different rooms or even hotels. He got mad and said that I don’t care about him and I just want to go on vacations and have fun, that this is a special moment of only the two of us and that if I love my friends that much I could go only with them and have a threesome.
He had a childhood female best friend. They used to fight a lot and they went no contact and got back together like 3 times. This girl has a very problematic mother, they have an unstable relationship. Her mother gets along with him, they continue to hang around until now. The final time they had an argument and went no contact, he started criticising her a lot to her mother and telling things about her that he knew her mother wouldn’t like. He ruined their relationship even more. At some point he told me “I have a strong urge to tell her that even her own mother loves me more than her”.
In every job he gets, at first he makes a great impression, he is happy with it and after a while he starts to hate the job and everyone there until he quits. In one of him summer jobs, a colleague had an attitude with him and he got mad and criticised him heavily to one of the highest managers (with is a friend of his uncle). Then he got him on a lot of trouble and damaged his reputation.
In another job, the manager didn’t like him and used to criticise him instead of always praising him as he expected. At some point he got so triggered That he took off his apron and threw it at him in the middle of the shift and demanded to give him the paper for quitting right then (it was a very busy time).
In another job, he used to steal from the cash desk and re print old checks.
He went through my phone without letting me know. Then he saw a text of a male friend that he considered too friendly and stared a huge argument. When I told him that him looking through my phone was bad, he said “it’s not my fault you have such an easy password I saw one time and could memorise it, anyone could have access to your phone with a password like that”. When I asked him to look through this phone he literally hide it and change password
Everytime he spends his money, he visit his family members, complaining about his life in order to make them feel pity for him to give him money. Then he disappears until he turns broke again
He used to have a fake profile in order to stalk his old group of friends and go to the places they visited to bully them.
When meeting new people, he literally puts on a mask and over tries to appear like the best person, until time passes and his true self comes out
He was trying to convince me that my parents and brother have a manipulative attitude towards me and that I have to be more independent to not feed their ego by submitting to them

So I'll keep it breif, but I need some advice.
Essentially I run an online game, where everyone can roll how they want. I have suggested we use roll 20s online roller in the past, but I personally have decided it will be a pretty lacks game (read: I am absolutely unable to put my foot down ever) and have given up insisting. Some players lie about wanting to roll their fancy, expensive, physical dice so that they can make up the result they need. This is clear to anyone who thinks about it even a little bit. The problem comes in with Lucy (fake name), who seems to always roll NATTY TWENTIES. She does fail a roll here or there, but its always on something insignificant. But when the roll is important, the stakes are high, I can almost gurantee that she will not fail to seduce the BBEG. Whenever she's rolling a save on one of her bad stats, she magically gets a 20 and turns the spell back on her opponent. I told her this isn't how it works, but it's a pretty lacks game so I decided to let it slide. Her attack mod is good (higher level) but even still, I don't think she has rolled less than a 19 on the dice once in the past few months. At first I thought she was just lucky, but I genuienly feel for the last 10 or so sessions her luck as just been... impossibely good.
I'd maybe just gently insist everyone use the online roller again, but I already have and feel she'll pick it up as a passive accusation. Passively accusing her would definitely be a bad thing because I am absolutely unable to engage in any form of confrontation. I would rather stew about this problem on reddit. I know as a mature adult, I should just talk to her one on one, but its awkward, and I'm not really sure how to approach it. I've already let it go on so long. Furhter, she could just deny it (it's not exactly like I have concrete proof), then we're back in the same spot, plus the awkward tension.
The game is becoming frustrating to play due to it. I spend time making fun, balanced encounters, only for her to land every hit, make every save, and make my boss baddy look like a wet noodle. I either cheat myself and bump the monsters hp/ give him some new ability, or I let her 'power-gamed to oblivion' character seduce him in three rounds, while all my other players just... watch. It doesn't cross my mind that none of this would be necessary if I just told the players to all use the online roller.
I'm begining to feel like a bad DM. I'm either cheating and feeling quite player adverse. Or making painfully unbalanced fights. If I up the stakes too much, im wiping the floor with the other players who play honestly.
I am genuinely at an impass, she is my friend outside of this and I don't want to damage our friendship for a game, but it's sucking the fun out of the game for me. There clearly isnt a solution to this outside of never speaking to her again.
Any advice will be ignored in favour of doing nothing.
Thanks.

I have a different personality for work, home and friends. At work, I keep a very shareef and suljhi hui personality and also I don't like to talk much to my coworkers, even though I'm quite extroverted.
Do you guys do it too? Is it a good idea to maintain this 'fake' personality at work?

I can’t quite believe it but a Twitter sciemce account I have followed for years got hacked it seems and I clicked on a bad link. You’d think that would happen by going on a dodgy site but it had to be that!
It took me to a very crudely designed site asking me for my date of birth so of course I closed it right away.
But since two things have happened. A random number what’s apped me from an obviously fake person so I blocked and reported it.
More concerning, ever since I go into my settings it now triggers the face ID which worries me a little as it never did that before.
Anything I should do or worry about?

I just got done with this Steven Universe liveblog on Tumblr, and I needed to share this with the people.
So the liveblogger was kinda hot and cold on the episode Tiger Millionaire, which fair. I feel like it's one of the better of the episodic Season 1A, but that's just my opinion. I can totally see someone disliking the episode for any of the not stupid 'Steven Universe is a morally bad show and you're the devil for liking it' reasons.
This same liveblogger HATED the sequel episode, Tiger Philanthropist, which, if memory serves, was fairly deep into Season 4.
He thought that Steven and Amethyst would have moved far past using their powers for petty bullshit like this, that they were quitting the game for all the wrong reasons. That they had grown beyond needing to power trip like this. That they were out of character for needing to do this at this point. He ended up giving the episode a score of 2/10 when rating it. Before putting out an addendum to that where he revoked that rating and stated that he flat out was not gonna give it a rating at all. Why?
Because he did not know that wrestling was fake.
That's so fucking funny to me. I thought that wrestling being fake was, like, wrestling 101.

Bringing my evening stroll to an end due to a haze of early summer rain, I turned the corner into my street.
She was waiting for me, right outside my front yard. I thought it was a new neighbour dropping round to complain about something. Something about her tense stance made me realise that she was not good news.
Her eyes widened when she saw me. “You’re Adder_at_Night999?”
I frowned. “How do you know my reddit username?”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter- listen- I’m not here to hurt you-“
What? I looked around- my street set in a greater London borough that still had a quaint village feel was quiet in the early wet evening lull.
She was still talking “-I just want to know why. I just came to talk to you- Why do you always downvote my stories? Everyone loves my stories- everyone- you know that – you know that! but you always downvote them- you’re always the first downvote, sometimes the only one - I just had to know why-“ she was babbling at me in a strong accent I can only describe as “typical American”.
“please- let’s go to a coffee shop and talk- I came a long way to visit you, just to know why-, to understand- “ she reached out and gripped my sleeve.
I stood stock still. None of the few people I knew real life knew my reddit account, or my fondness for the scary stories that people post on Reddit. I stared at the middle-aged woman confronting me. She was wearing a glossy new-looking cream-colored mac and lipstick.
Her other hand moved in her pocket. In an instant, the fright that had been gathering since she said my Reddit username broke over me like a splash of cold water from a bucket. I ripped my hand loose, turned and ran to my front door, frantically scrabbling for my keys.
She followed me, reached out, opened the door that was unlocked, and somehow pushed me in. I am not a large strong woman, simply a retired Eng Lit teacher with a weakness for Reddit, and no match for this agitated American Redditor.
We both stood in the dark hallway, her back to the front door. Hands slippery from sweat, I tried to pull out my mobile.
She repeated “I only want to talk to you. Please. I know you have time- you spend all your time on Reddit!” her voice rose slightly, now audibly tinged with madness.
She must have heard it too. She gulped hard, and then said calmly “Aren’t you going to offer me a cup of tea? That’s what you British folk do, right? I travelled a long way to see you! Where’s those famous British manners?” she aimed for a jokey tone.
“Let me put the kettle on” I said mechanically.
Her hand moved in her pocket again. “Okay”.
I went to the kitchen, filled the kettle and turned it on. She stood in the doorway, watching me get out two mugs.
“I’m not here to hurt you” she repeated. I nodded, staring at the kettle. “It’s just, I had to find out who you were, why you downvote my stories. You don’t look anything like I imagined- I thought you were some neckbeard basement troll and you were downvoting me because most my stories are about women’s issues. But then I did some digging, and found out- you’re just an old woman, just a few years older than me- that kinda makes it worse - don’t you have any female solidarity? I just had to come and speak to you, see what the problem was-”
The kettle was still cold and silent.
“It doesn’t work like that, you know” I said cautiously, willing the kettle to boil.
“And you have this nice place”, she said, looking around appreciatively “Looks like a house right from Midsomer Murders!” The jokey tone again. The kettle began making very tiny noises.
“What’s your Reddit name?” I asked, hoping I sounded friendly.
“Oh come on hun, you must know me. I’m WitchSea1994!” She said it quite proudly.
I remembered her stories. It was beyond me how anyone could upvote her cliché jumble of gory fantasy. But there was no doubt she was very popular. I nodded. “I quite like your stories” I said. The noises from the kettle were becoming a tiny bit louder.
She frowned. “Then why do you always downvote them?” she snapped, and took a step towards me. "Always!"
I took a step back. The kettle was now boiling. “I don’t always downvote them” I muttered.
Her eyes sparked. “Every one! Every single one, you downvote. And you’re often the first. I monitor all my stories- I chart the upvotes and downvotes in excel- and you’re always dragging me down! I even know you make fake accounts just to downvote stories!!” she was howling now, and she lunged towards me.
I grabbed the kettle and splashed the boiling water right into her distorted face. She screamed in agony, and I was able to push past, run through the open door into the street, dialling 999. I have never felt so comforted by hearing the sirens and then seeing the blue flashing lights only moments later.
I haven’t been on Reddit since. But I know I need a new hobby, one that doesn't involve cyberspace and scary stories as much.

pop a dm over! or comment ur experience lol.
background: i’ve been dealing w mental illnesses for a while. eating disorders anxiety depression cptsd fun stuff. ik cptsd can be misunderstood to be autism at times too. but that’s a whole other thing.
the reason i got thinking abt it is because my asl teacher asked me why i was learning sign language and i told her its because i go mute sometimes and she asked if i had autism. and i was like nahhh no way but. … i really don’t know now !!! i could list some ig things ive read for context that kinda resonate for me

• sensory issues (phone always dimmest setting + i live in darkness perpetually, fabrics i change like 80 times before it feels right, loud spaces can get me overwhelmed sometimes)
• i don’t struggle socially and am actually quite good at it but i had horrid social anxiety at age like 15 and i just forced myself to learn and get over it. but dont really enjoy social setting for extended periods of time bc it just feels like an exorbitant amt of energy to keep up and its all just kind of fake and hard to be comfortable. or feels like im putting up a character
• my cousin is autistic so its genetically a thing

there’s more but i don’t want to make this a ‘diagnose me’ post i am just curious abt yg journeys discovering this for yourself.

my sister, em (fake name), talks about her best friend, let's call him matt, a lot. i never thought much of it given the fact that they do really understand each otheare close in a way that i think is really great in a friendship and em was also in a pretty long term relationship up until about 2 weeks ago. PLUS matt is married and very clearly cares about his wife endlessly so i didn't see anything necessarily romantic there.. until this weekend.
for a little context i live in a different state than my sister so i didn't meet matt in person until this weekend at em & matt's graduation. matt got married to his wife, becca, a little over 6 months ago (i think), but they've been together about 3 years. becca was at his & em's show (theater school so they had performances/shows and graduation this weekend) so i met matt & becca there. they were both super sweet so, again, i didn't think much of it as it was a pretty quick meeting before we had to head out.
graduation was early the next day and i didn't notice anything too crazy at the ceremony. there was one moment when they were taking pictures together (just matt & em) and it was very... touchy, but again i think physical touch is a really nice thing to have in fully platonic relationships so, yet again, i didn't think much.
me, em, becca, and matt decided to go get lunch. we had a pretty good conversation flow, very comfortable energy, making jokes, being normal young adult stupid. it was chill, but, as much as i adore becca as a person, she seemed to be a little disapproving of a lot of matt's "quirks". and when i say quirks i just mean stuff like forgetting little things or singing the same song on repeat around the house (the smallest things yknow) and just reading it i realize it could come off as normal relationship banter, but it did feel a little strange in the moment (and you'll understand fully why i wanted to mention the "banter" in a second).
at this point i was realizing how connected matt & em really were. potential romantic interest aside, they really mean a lot to each other and you can absolutely see it.
while the 4 of us were walking to matt's car, my shoe came untied so i jokingly told em to fix it and she responded with something about only ever untying them (kinda an inside joke with friends, but she just unties everyone's shoes when they're not looking lol). i tied my shoe and me and matt ended up walking a little ahead of becca and em. matt immediately starts talking about how em always does it to him and how she did it when they went to the park (he was chasing her around and shit. idk). and AGAIN, whatever, it's none of my business how you categorize your feelings/relationships and i have no place to tell you what your standards and wants should be in a friendship... so whatever.
but the interaction wasn't what peaked my curiosity. it was the way he was talking. and the fact that every time the conversation naturally shifted he would change the subject back to em.
he cares so deeply for his wife. really cares. but i have never felt so much fondness in someone's voice, i have never seen so much light in someone's eyes, i have NEVER seen ANYONE speak with so much adoration for someone the way i did when matt spoke about my sister.
me and em went for ice cream alone a little later and she told me some things.
i'm not gonna say much about it because A) i don't know much anyways and B) it's not my place to say or try to connect dots, but she told me there are some pretty concerning relationship conflicts between becca & matt and matt is (from what i can tell) already questioning whether marriage was a smart decision.
hearing that i didn't immediately go "oh well ig i was right and he actually might be in love with you". i was more so realizing the little "quirks" becca seemed to not be a fan of were actually things they were seriously arguing about behind closed doors.
the reason i bring that up is because every time they fight it (from what i can tell) ends with matt being a "problem" and he fully caters to his wife, which, i can understand to an extent because she is disabled and has some mental struggles as well so there's a lot of fear on his part, but it's not an great situation regardless. i also bring it up because my sister said there was one instance where he had been down because of an argument/arguments and he told em "i've had more fun with you tonight than i've had with my wife in weeks"
he's also said stuff along the lines of "i love you so much i think it's unhealthy". and there was an occasion where em played matt & another mutual friend (calling him franklin) some songs she'd written. matt was like embarrassingly stunned and said he wanted to listen to her play (piano) forever and listen to her (not surprising tbh i've heard my sisters songs and she's wildly talented). franklin made a comment about how em "broke matt" and it kinda seems right because he brought up wanting to hear more of her songs completely unprompted (unless i wasn't paying attention lmao) today/yesterday
now i mentioned earlier em just recently left a long term relationship. she broke up with him, it wasn't messy or anything, they were just on very different paths in life, and she didn't feel very connected to him. em said she didn't really notice how "touchy" she and matt were until after the breakup. well, she did, but she thought "we're both in relationships so obviously nothings gonna happen".
after the break up she started to realize the closeness. said there been multiple instances where they're inches from each others face and just staring. definitely could be innocent, right? well yes! but also not when you can't stop looking at my sisters lips, bucko.
and then today happened. or yesterday, i guess.
they had their final show after graduation(it was amazing), everyone's crying through goodbyes, and the 4 of us (matt, becca, em, and i) plus franklin decided to hang out to stall the goodbyes.
there were a lot of moments that were very "holy shit whoever said soulmates aren't real never met you guys"
there were a lot of "fuck why am i happy just watching two idiots high-five"
and there was absolutely zero moments where i felt like matt would do any less than go to the ends of the earth for em and enjoy doing it
in fact matt quite literally said he would drive the entire way back to our hometown just to make sure em still talks to him
friendly kinda thing? sure! but not when you're laying with your heads together and while everyone staring at stars in the sky you are LOOKING AT EMS LIPS and ur WIFE is on the other side of her head.
i honestly don't think he knows he's in love with my sister. or at least he definitely wouldn't admit it until it's not considered fucked up. but i know.
and i really want to stress that i know people have different standards for what they want/need in romantic vs platonic relationships, but i can say with 100% certainty that matt is perfectly, undoubtedly, wholly, and unconditionally, in love with my sister. intentions aside.
i am a little scared for what happens when em moves in with matt (& becca) starting later this summeearly fall. as i said i don't think either of them would purposely do anything that could hurt becca, but i know "heat of the moment" impulses and i really hope it doesn't go that way.
she's not a homewrecker. he's not a cheater. i'm not worried about a full on side chick situation. but trying to diminish feelings is only gonna make them bubble over in a way that might have a not so fun aftermath.
god, they're both so perfect for each other and annoyingly good people. they deserve something good.
bec & matt will probably be visiting em (and me i guess) in our hometown at some point before then so maybe ill update this if i feel the need to say more then.
i'm not "rooting" for them to get together necessarily, but i really hope this doesn't get messy because whether it's platonic, romantic, anything in between, or anything beyond, they are the most supportive and gratifying pair of friends. they seriously deserve each other.
in whatever way life lets them love the other. i'm sure they will.
i'm not allowed to talk to anyone about this so i decided to go to reddit (as any normal chronically online kid does) and im realizing after typing this that there is a potential my sisters friend finds this
so
hey man. if you're reading this please know i understand i have no place categorizing your feelings (i know i already said it but i really can't tell you how to feel) but i can see how much my sister means to you. and no matter what you decide you feel, my sister just wants you to be happy. and i don't mean she'll "suffer in silence" and she'll always wish you'd have given her a chance, i mean she genuinely doesn't care whether you're friends or dating or scene partners or work spouses. she just wants to be around. she will love you in every way she can.
TLDR; my sisters friend is in love with her. maybe it'll never become romantic, but god i hope whatever happens they always have each other.

Concerned about my best friends
Hello. I'll be using fake names to describe my situation.
My best friends are Jack and Harry.
I have two friends from a different friend group. They are quite popular in my high school and passively pick on me. We'll call them Jim and Ben.
One thing about me is that I have a girlfriend who is medically diagnosed with ADHD so I have to spend a considerable amount of time with her rather than my friends. Let's call her Mary.
Jack and Harry have been my best friends ever since 1st Grade. Recently we've finished our last public examination and are in a relaxed mood but my girlfriend still has her exams going on. I have to pick her up and drop her home on certain days so whenever my friends (Jack, Harry, Jim, and Ben) hangout, Somedays I have to leave early to pick Mary up. Over the last couple of days, Jim and Ben have been making inappropriate jokes about my girlfriend regarding her ethnicity and their sarcasm is influencing Jack and Harry to make similar jokes about the matter.
This makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Now, Jim and Ben are making plans to go to a resort out of town and inviting Jack and Harry to go with them. I will NOT be going because honestly, the entire trip they will ridicule me for committing too early and about my girlfriend. Finally, last night Jack started behaving rude to me when I told him not to get too influenced by Ben.
AITAH? What do I do from here onwards? Jack and Harry are my best friends for over 12 years and I do not want to lose them over some silly fight.

.TL:DR - as socialising with people was a big way to escape myself before, i am worried that my recent desire to meet others, is also a way to run from feelings, and i also dont know how to relate anymore if i am honest, as i feel i am so behind / differnt to societal norms now.
So i am slowly coming out of freeze in bits, and i notice a slight desire to have people around me more, and wanting more connection. Thing is, i used to have lots of friends, but it was very fleeting, i think the people i attracted reflected my state and lack of emotional depth, so now i am very different and those few relationships i have still, and they are my friends, but its quite superficial. I love them, but its not for me during healing.
That said, i am now having a need to maybe meet others, but that intimidates me, but not just because i feel a bit like a loser now, but also because how i related before was how society tends to expect men to relate, superficial, fun seeking and vacuous, and i suspect some judgey and anger in there too, in small bursts with boyish behaviour (i am now 42 but i speaking of my 20s, my 30s have been a trauma washout). I guess a fake macho thing, albeit i did some aspect of it badly.
That all said, i think its a way for men (boys) to get on, and i see it everywhere. In addition, i am worried that because i used socialising as a way to escape myself so much, that i have that desire in me again, as a means to run from the hard feelings that are starting to arise through this healing work
Hope that makes sense, seeking views thanks,.

,TL:DR - as socialising with people was a big way to escape myself before, i am worried that my recent desire to meet others, is also a way to run from feelings, and i also dont know how to relate anymore if i am honest, as i feel i am so behind / differnt to societal norms now.
So i am slowly coming out of freeze in bits, and i notice a slight desire to have people around me more, and wanting more connection. Thing is, i used to have lots of friends, but it was very fleeting, i think the people i attracted reflected my state and lack of emotional depth, so now i am very different and those few relationships i have still, and they are my friends, but its quite superficial. I love them, but its not for me during healing.
That said, i am now having a need to maybe meet others, but that intimidates me, but not just because i feel a bit like a loser now, but also because how i related before was how society tends to expect men to relate, superficial, fun seeking and vacuous, and i suspect some judgey and anger in there too, in small bursts with boyish behaviour (i am now 42 but i speaking of my 20s, my 30s have been a trauma washout). I guess a fake macho thing, albeit i did some aspect of it badly.
That all said, i think its a way for men (boys) to get on, and i see it everywhere.
In addition, i am worried that because i used socialising as a way to escape myself so much, that i have that desire in me again, as a means to run from the hard feelings that are starting to arise through this healing work
Hope that makes sense, seeking views
thanks

TL:DR - as socialising with people was a big way to escape myself before, i am worried that my recent desire to meet others, is also a way to run from feelings, and i also dont know how to relate anymore if i am honest, as i feel i am so behind / differnt to societal norms now. ,
So i am slowly coming out of freeze in bits, and i notice a slight desire to have people around me more, and wanting more connection. Thing is, i used to have lots of friends, but it was very fleeting, i think the people i attracted reflected my state and lack of emotional depth, so now i am very different and those few relationships i have still, and they are my friends, but its quite superficial. I love them, but its not for me during healing.
That said, i am now having a need to maybe meet others, but that intimidates me, but not just because i feel a bit like a loser now, but also because how i related before was how society tends to expect men to relate, superficial, fun seeking and vacuous, and i suspect some judgey and anger in there too, in small bursts with boyish behaviour (i am now 42 but i speaking of my 20s, my 30s have been a trauma washout). I guess a fake macho thing, albeit i did some aspect of it badly.
That all said, i think its a way for men (boys) to get on, and i see it everywhere.
In addition, i am worried that because i used socialising as a way to escape myself so much, that i have that desire in me again, as a means to run from the hard feelings that are starting to arise through this healing work
Hope that makes sense, seeking views
thanks

TL:DR - as socialising with people was a big way to escape myself before, i am worried that my recent desire to meet others, is also a way to run from feelings, and i also dont know how to relate anymore if i am honest, as i feel i am so behind / differnt to societal norms now. ..
So i am slowly coming out of freeze in bits, and i notice a slight desire to have people around me more, and wanting more connection. Thing is, i used to have lots of friends, but it was very fleeting, i think the people i attracted reflected my state and lack of emotional depth, so now i am very different and those few relationships i have still, and they are my friends, but its quite superficial. I love them, but its not for me during healing.
That said, i am now having a need to maybe meet others, but that intimidates me, but not just because i feel a bit like a loser now, but also because how i related before was how society tends to expect men to relate, superficial, fun seeking and vacuous, and i suspect some judgey and anger in there too, in small bursts with boyish behaviour (i am now 42 but i speaking of my 20s, my 30s have been a trauma washout). I guess a fake macho thing, albeit i did some aspect of it badly.
That all said, i think its a way for men (boys) to get on, and i see it everywhere.
In addition, i am worried that because i used socialising as a way to escape myself so much, that i have that desire in me again, as a means to run from the hard feelings that are starting to arise through this healing work
Hope that makes sense, seeking views
thanks

TL:DR - as socialising with people was a big way to escape myself before, i am worried that my recent desire to meet others, is also a way to run from feelings, and i also dont know how to relate anymore if i am honest, as i feel i am so behind / differnt to societal norms now.
So i am slowly coming out of freeze in bits, and i notice a slight desire to have people around me more, and wanting more connection. Thing is, i used to have lots of friends, but it was very fleeting, i think the people i attracted reflected my state and lack of emotional depth, so now i am very different and those few relationships i have still, and they are my friends, but its quite superficial. I love them, but its not for me during healing.
That said, i am now having a need to maybe meet others, but that intimidates me, but not just because i feel a bit like a loser now, but also because how i related before was how society tends to expect men to relate, superficial, fun seeking and vacuous, and i suspect some judgey and anger in there too, in small bursts with boyish behaviour (i am now 42 but i speaking of my 20s, my 30s have been a trauma washout). I guess a fake macho thing, albeit i did some aspect of it badly.
That all said, i think its a way for men (boys) to get on, and i see it everywhere.
In addition, i am worried that because i used socialising as a way to escape myself so much, that i have that desire in me again, as a means to run from the hard feelings that are starting to arise through this healing work
Hope that makes sense, seeking views
thanks