So my perents say that i (17m) am a useless child. Becuase i refuse to do the driving liscense theory. Btw i have a lot going on right now exams and boxing. Also i live in a country where public transport goes every where so i just dont see the use for it right now. Like i told my father i will do it but after school. And he is just been awfull about. I cant sit with him and him not encourging me to quit boxing and do my driving liscense. I come from a okish religious muslim family me myself i do not consider myself a religious person at all. So it was EID (MUSLIM FESTIVAL) you have to wake up at 8 to go pray. My dad he doesnt pray a lot but idk why this time of the year he becomes a scholar. So he calls my mum and says to her wake him up at 7 i am picking him up for prayers. So my mom convinces me to go to the prayers. So i wake up at 7. I really slept badly the night before. So i tell my mom i cant. She says ok and tells my dad i am not coming. He comes home at 10 and wakes me up by pulling the covers. It scared me. I am like who tf is this. Then he starts yelling "you asshole , if i had a dog he will be more loyal then you, you listen to your coach more then me, you never spend time with me" my dad never tried to establish a bond me but always expected me to behave like we had a great bond. Like we dont spend time togather becuase we just have nothing in common. Also the thing where he where compares me to my cousins , his friends kids. My mom she is no better. She is hyper emotional. Emotional black mail. I remember when i was little 6 or 7 years old i went to her to tell her that i saw some toys. She went off on me. Like yelling because she thought i wanted her to buy thos even though i was just telling her. She is also very emotionaly unavailaible. The others are always right but never her own kids. She even told me why am i like this why do i always take away her peace.She always tells me how lucky i am to have her as my mom since other are much more strict btw i dont have the right to close my door.
Man i just feel like why am i like this. The people outside my famliy tell me i am a great kid. Btw i never had any complaints from my school about my behavior. My teacher only saw my mom like once and that was just to discuss about my plans for next year. My routine is this i go to school then home then boxing. I dont hang out with friends dont drink. I dont know what am i doing wrong. I just feel soo unloved. I feel like my perents are not my perents. As for mother that hurts a lot since i been told mothers are these nurturing women. But only nurturing i got was from my aunts. I been told by my family members that as a kid my extended family mostly took care of me not my mom. Like my aunt my grandpa. Especilly my aunt she gave me the love my mother should have been giving me.

I’m so glad this sub exists because I’ve been annoying everyone in my life with my theories about these two … I figured this would be the right place to post my speculation/lyric breakdowns of songs that they may have written about each other, split into different posts for albums for ease of reading.
Starting with Reputation (2017) – I imagine the failed relationship with Matty was still fresh for Taylor during the writing/recording of this album. Her reference to her “longings locked in lowercase inside a vault” definitely made me look back at Rep in a way I hadn’t before (and I do think we’ll see some Matty-coded vault tracks on TV”. That said I don’t want to erase her other relationships, especially with Joe, so I’ll make notes of where I think I’m either stretching for a Matty connection or I think there are multiple muses.
Special mention to “Getaway Car” which feels like another (fictionalized?) response to Robbers but the story she tells is very similar to her fling with Tom, especially given the third man in the song. I usually claim it for the maylors anyway bc who cares about Tom. Let me know what you think.
“...Ready For It?”
Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him / Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted / But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
I can't ignore the connections here to two other songs thought to be written about M - Ghost (2014) and Haunted (2015) by Halsey (I won't bother going into the HalseyMatty lore here but I could in another post...)
"You're a Rolling Stone boy, never-sleep-alone boy / Got a million numbers and they're filling up your phone, boy" (Ghost) "I'm begging you to keep on haunting me" (Haunted) "My ghost / Where'd you go? / I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me" (Ghost)
I can be a phantom holdin' him for ransom / Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me / Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry / But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist / And he can be my jailer
Robbers is one of The 1975’s most famous songs. In the music video two lovers stick up a convenience store - definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it. In 2014 M dedicated the song to T in Dallas in November 2017 (a week after she attended the concert in LA) here and here
Burton to this Taylor
One of my favorite references that I think reveals a lot about the messy but irresistible relationship M and T seem to have. Here's a link to a great article about the wild love affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Every love I've known in comparison is a failure / I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now / Never be the same now
This sentiment is repeated throughout many of the songs I believe are about M. The idea of a life altering love is obviously prevalent across TTPD but also in folklore, evermore, and Midnights. ex. "I'm never gonna love again" (cowboy like me), "I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since" (Question...?), "I felt aglow like this / Never before and never since" (loml)
Also want to mention This Must Be My Dream from 2016, which M has said is about an older gf but may fit: "Let me tell you 'bout this girl / I thought she'd rearrange my world"
No one has to know / In the middle of the night, in my dreams / You should see the things we do, baby
See Guilty as Sin? lol
Baby, let the games begin
Taylor in an interview with Glamour in February 2014:
TS: [Nods. Pauses.] I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it's a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.
CL: Is that winning?
TS: It is when they come back. [Laughs.] And if they don't, then they didn't care enough to begin with.
conclusion: I believe ...Ready For It? is a response to Robbers and reveals M and T's similar romanticism (sometimes toxic but so addicting). The mirrored stylization of ...Ready For It? and Question...? makes me think the latter is a continuation of the former. The mentions of “island breeze” and “we’ll move to an island” have made people believe this song is about Tom Hiddleston but other lyrics, namely “younger than my exes” pretty clearly contradicts that.
"End Game"
I wanna be your end game / I wanna be your first string /I wanna be your A-Team
Funny reading this after The Alchemy and So High School.
Big reputation, big reputation / Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations / And you heard about me / Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation
And they were! Especially because T hadn't been really linked to anyone after Harry, the speculation about her and M came hard and fast. M especially was inundated with questions in the months after the LA and NYC shows.
And I heard about you / You like the bad ones, too
Another possible reference to a Halsey song, this time Hurricane from 2014: "He says, "Oh, baby, beggin' you to save me / Well, lately I like 'em crazy/ Oh, maybe, you could devastate me"
I don't wanna touch you, I don't wanna be / Just another ex-love you don't wanna see / I don't wanna miss you / Like the other girls do
Very reminiscent of The 1975's song Somebody Else, released in 2016, speculated to be about T: "I don't want your body / But I hate to think about you with somebody else"
I hit you like bang, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn't
"Flashbacks waking me up / I get drunk, but it's not enough" (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em
"I circled you on a map / I haven't come around in so long" (The Alchemy)
Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy
"And they tried to warn you about me" (The Albatross)
And I can't let you go, your hand prints on my soul
"Marked me like a bloodstain" (Cardigan)
It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold
So many of the songs speculated to be about M reference his eyes but the most relevant (not the starry eyed motif which we'll get to in the future) are: "Eyes like sinking ships on waters / So inviting I almost jump in" (gold rush) and "But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet / Now I'm all for you like Janet" (Snow On The Beach)
"Deep blue, but you painted me golden" (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
You've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks / So here's the truth from my red lips
From the same Glamour article, Taylor talking about her 'trick' when dating:
CL: What's the freeze-out?
TS: You don't respond to any of his texts or calls until he does something desperate [like] shows up. Or he calls and leaves a voice mail. Something that makes it very clear to you that he's interested.
disclaimer: I am someone who thinks the Tom relationship was not that serious for T, so this song imo fits what she may have told us about her relationship with M more, though the beach reference does point to Tom in a way.
"Don't Blame Me"
I've been breaking hearts a long time / And toying with them older guys / Just playthings for me to use
See the quotes from the Glamour article above. "Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so" (...Ready For It?)
Something happened for the first time / In the darkest little paradise
May refer to the dark concert venue where they met for the first time (see So It Goes... for more)
For you / I would cross the line / I would waste my time / I would lose my mind / They say, "She's gone too far this time."
Sentiment that is repeated throughout TTPD, but most clearly in But Daddy I Love Him
My name is whatever you decide / And I'm just gonna call you mine
Though this could be a stretch, in the spotify storyline for The 1975's Oh Caroline (2022), speculated to be about T, M said "It's an invented character, where the cadence really mattered. It couldn't be "Oh Linda" or "Oh Jane" [or "Oh Taylor"] - you had to have a 3 syllable that really works. I knew what the song was about, I had felt that about someone before and I got to write an episodic, mini movie about the subject"
disclaimer: If about M, this song is very on the nose with the drug references. Generally it's a very vague song and could easily be about Joe or another ex.
"So It Goes..."
See you in the dark / All eyes on you, my magician / All eyes on us / You make everyone disappear
Likely refers to the first time T saw M in person, when she was front row at The 1975's LA show. All eyes were on M then (including T's)
"Once upon a time, the planets and the fates / And all the stars aligned / You and I ended up in the same room / At the same time" (Mastermind)
Tripping, tripping when you're gone
May relate to Don't Blame Me: "Trip of my life / every time you're touching me"
'Cause we breakdown a little / But when you get me alone, it's so simple
Maybe a stretch but M famously had a breakdown on stage in Boston on December 6, 2014. In an interview with the Guardian he said: “There was girl stuff. There was family stuff. There was financial stuff. There was drug stuff. I remember hearing the crowd and having an identity crisis. I thought: ‘If you want to see a show, I’ll give you a fucking show. If you’ve come to see the jester drink himself into a slumber, I’ll give it to you.’ I felt like I’d become an idea as opposed to being a person.”
“And I was 25 and afraid to go outside” (Give Yourself a Try)
And all the pieces fall / Right into place
"I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork / The dominoes cascaded in a line" (Mastermind)
Getting caught up in a moment / Lipstick on your face
"I said, "Don't fall in love with the moment" / She said I've got a lot to learn / Don't fall in love with the moment /And think you're in love with the girl" (She's American)
Come here, dressed in black now
"Yeah, we're dressed in black from head to toe" (Chocolate). Taylor was also wearing all black the night of the LA show.
conclusion: You did a number on me / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? / I did a number on you / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? ( "King of My Heart"
We met a few weeks ago / Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes
The reason why I don't necessarily think Joe fits. They met at the Met Gala in 2017 and she very quickly started seeing Tom, obviously it could still be him but I wanted to note this.
"Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" (illicit affairs)
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat
M loves Motown, even sampling a track by The Temptations on Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy). He's also always loved dancing, which you can see in the videos for A Change of Heart and Oh Caroline.
Salute to me I'm your American Queen / Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
He's English, obviously.
And we rule the kingdom inside my room / With all these nights we're spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush
Totally speculation but M and T hiding out in her NYC home makes a lot of sense from other pieces she has shared about the relationship “My kingdom come undone” (Hoax)
Late in the night, the city's asleep / Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Speculation again but fits with the story of M and T as mostly loving each other in secret (see Dancing With Our Hands Tied and Dress)
Is this the end of all the endings? / My broken bones are mending
As mentioned above, T had seemingly taken a break from dating after the breakup with Harry.
disclaimer: Definitely not 100% sure on this one as there is convincing evidence that it is about J
"Dancing With Our Hands Tied"
I, I loved you in secret / First sight, yeah, we love without reason / Oh, 25 years old
M and T were both born in 1989, M was 25 when they first met and dated and T was turning 25.
My, my love had been frozen / People started talking, putting us through our paces / I knew there was no one in the world who could take it / I loved you in spite of / Deep fears that the world would divide us
“A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground / With no one around to tweet it” (The Lakes)
In an interview with the Guardian Matty said: “The day after she’d been to a show of ours, someone sent me a screenshot of E! News with the headline ‘Who is Matt Healy?’ That freaked me out. I’m not ready to indulge in that world and I’m not ready to be judged by that world.” So sad to read knowing that they dealt with a similar situation nearly a decade later.
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
“Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis
“Now you hang from my lips / Like the Gardens of Babylon / With your boots beneath my bed” (cowboy like me)
I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again
Reminds me so much of the music video for cardigan, where T slips into a rough ocean and hangs on to a piano. Also from cardigan: “Leaving like a father / Running like water”
“Dress”
Our secret moments in a crowded room / They got no idea about me and you
"Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room / And every single one of your friends was / Making fun of you" (Question...?)
There is an indentation in the shape of you / Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo
M seemingly makes a lasting impression: “Deep blue, but you painted me golden” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “The mark they saw on my collarbone” (Maroon) “Marked me like a bloodstain” (cardigan)
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
T often seems to refer to a friendship with M, perhaps they tried it a few times: “We were supposed to be just friends” (Glitch) “Like you were my closest friend” (Maroon) “Just say when, I'd play again / He was my best friend / Down at the sandlot” (My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys)
And if I get burned, at least we were electrified
“I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
I'm spilling wine in the bathtub / You kiss my face and we're both drunk
Many of the possible M songs refer to M and T’s love of wine. “And I can see us twisted in bedsheets / August slipped away like a bottle of wine” (august) “The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me / And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon)” (Maroon)
disclaimer - Obviously most likely about Joe given the reference to the 2017 Met Gala but I think it was worth a mention!
“Call It What You Want”
My baby's fly like a jet stream / High above the whole scene
Probably a double-entendre. M considers himself slightly on the outside of the ‘scene’ but this can come across as self assurance. This also could refer to literally being high on drugs
Loves me like I'm brand new
After T’s clever use of The Starting Line in TTPD I’m convinced she’s referring to the band Brand New. M posted a Brand New album on his ig story in 2020.
All my flowers grew back as thorns
An interesting contrast to “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” from Don’t Blame Me
Windows boarded up after the storm
“I look through the windows of this love / Even though we boarded them up” (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
I'm laughing with my lover
“Laughing with my feet in your lap” (Maroon) “Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” (New Year’s Day)
Making forts under covers
Matty famously built a fort in ATPOAIM 3. “I'll build you a fort on some planet / Where they can all understand it” (Down Bad)
Trust him like a brother
“Like I lost my twin” (Down Bad)
Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night
So many starry eyed references which is terribly romantic and terribly sad. “Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?” (High Infidelity), “Your opal eyes are all I wish to see” (ivy), “Eyes full of stars” (cowboy like me), and “Gazing at me starry-eyed” (The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived)
I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck
“Picture of your face in an invisible locket” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
I recall late November, holding my breath
Late November fits perfectly into the timeline of M and T’s 2014 relationship. Late October to Late DecembeEarly January makes the most sense.
Slowly I said, "You don't need to save me / But would you run away with me?"
“You're mad thinking you could ever save me. Not looking like that.” (A Change of Heart)
disclaimer: Again lots of Joe references in this as well so take this with a grain of salt.
“New Year’s Day”
You and me from the night before, but / Don't read the last page
From Me and You Together Song (2020): “I think the story needs more pages, yes.” The reference to “the last page” also makes this song feel like more of a reminiscence than a song about a current lover.
I want your midnights / But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
Impossible not to reread these lyrics after Midnights was released as a nod to M: “When the morning came we / Were cleaning incense off your / Vinyl shelf ‘cause we lost track of time again” (Maroon)
You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi / I can tell that it's gonna be a long road / I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe / Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
Especially after the release of TTPD it seems that both T and M made many promises to each other that they couldn’t keep
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / And I will hold on to you
The reference to memories here creates a bit of a confusing feeling about the muse for this song. Although T seems to be talking in the present tense I do think these are memories and dreams for a past relationship.
“Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten / About you?” (About You)
Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere / Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Not much to say about this but ow!
You and me forevermore
Again reminds me of Me and You Together Song (which I do buy as a song at least partially about T). And of course links to Evermore.
disclaimer: This could absolutely be about Joe but it does feel almost like a goodbye to M, closing the album. It’s as if she is reading “the last page”
Congrats if you read this lol. I clearly have too much time on my hands

With all this political talk, left vs right, in the "punk rock" community, I feel as if I should leave this here. DON'T FORGET YOUR ROOTS. Have we lost our ways?
🎶They said that we were trash
Well the name is crass, not clash
They can stuff their punk credentials
Cause it's them that take the cash
They won't change nothing with their fashionable talk
All their rar badges and their protest walk
Thousands of white men standing in a park
Objecting to racism's like a candle in the dark
Black man's got his problems and his way to deal with it
So don't fool yourself you're helping with your white liberal shit
If you care to take a closer look at the way things really stand
You'd see we're all just niggers to the rulers of this land
Punk was once an answer to years of crap
A way of saying no where we'd always said yep
But the moment we saw a way to be free
They invented a dividing line, street credibility
The qualifying factors are politics and class
Left wing macho street fighters willing to kick arse
They said because of racism they'd come out on the street
It was just a form of fascism for the socialist elite
Bigotry and blindness, a marxist con
Another clever trick to keep us all in line
Neat little labels to keep us all apart
To keep us all divided when the troubles start
Pogo on a nazi, spit upon a jew
Vicious mindless violence that offers nothing new
Left wing violence, right wing violence, all seems much the same
Bully boys out fighting, it's just the same old game
BORING FUCKING POLITICS THAT WILL GET US ALL SHOT
LEFT WING, RIGHT WING, YOU CAN STUFF THE LOT
KEEP YOUR PETTY PREJUDICE, I DONT SEE THE POINT
ANARCHY AND FREEDOM IS WHAT I WANT🎶

Look at my page I’m the biggest Drake supporter but we can’t lie Drake is a slimey ass guy when it comes to women.. for like 99% of guys if you seem like the type to put p****y before your boys you’re automatically cut.

Mainly when it comes to social circles. I already understand it's harder for short dudes,I have short friends and see first hand women talking shit to them unprovoked. I remember cold approaching the same girl my boy had been yelled out by ,hugging me and calling me cute instead. It was harsh. I try to level with women and understand why they don't respect short guys and it's basically: don't be shorter than them and don't be weird.

Not shared, nor my shade; but something to be weaved; just as the measure of disappointment became it's own solution. But I talked my way through things forbidden, just to find myself blind in bed with those who are dead. Clumsy, but altogether natural of course, because it's consciousness what you refer in the description, yet that's what we don't get a lot about. See your deeds the way you are seen, and then return to a restless place: and the question in-between sheets will be why. Well, I just can't motivate myself to work without hot bitches staring. And that's the truth. Sad but True
— Hearfelt comment for an instagram witch.
Del desprecio a ese descarte, no he visto muchas cosas. Así se pasa una más para las cuentas, y aquí otro más para los versos, por qué aquí no hemos sido vistos. Cuánto más querría uno, que sino lo cuentas ni mucho menos piensas: << lo de este pibe que cosa más horrible>>, haciendo eso lamentable, por qué en decirlo nadie ha mentido. ¡Es horrible! Que cara es entonces la cuenta de lo que le sale a uno vivir sin más complejos; mejor seria cobrarmelo, para así saber que de algo ha valido. Bloqueame.
— Heartfelt comment for a random supermodel-to-be.
The Spirit of Fire
Flames begone, flames in spite: their warmth I felt - so I closed my fist until I could feel the warmth of my blood in my hand. And in dreams Fire came up to me and said: who am I? And I said unto him: you are bound to my bidding, thus your name misery will be. But fire wretched as he was, got closer and asked: and who are you?
And I said unto him that the blood of David ran through my veins, as I was his heir; for the mother of God claim me from death as a son. So Fire tried me, and figured it out.
You are son of woman —said Fire unto me— but as Fire acknowledged the name, I extended my left hand, and took Fire by the neck throwing him into the gound. — You are going to lace yourself to the right hand of the beast, and you'll keep him steady, so I can cleanly take him down. And Fire stayed down, and with his forehead kissing the ground asked unto me —why would the heir of David do so to earthly man?
And I said unto Fire that the beast from the abyss had left no mother for God, so I was to leave none of his body left for his head; as I was going to make it bleed until the end of the end of times.
The Spirit of Earth
Shapeless and without body, but keen within her many numbers, Earth came up to me in dreams, and said: who am I? And posessed in spirit as I was, I said unto her, that God had made her maiden again, and that she shall become the coins that Judas never received, which were to become the due payment of man and women for the body of Christ. Then I extended my right hand, and grabbed Earth by her hair —which descended deep into the abysses of hell— and cut it short so the demons of Lilith would no longer had her gripped by her back.
You are now a woman, and I'm going to rise you from the grounds. You'll lace yourself to the left hand of the beast, and keep it steady so with one shot I can cleanly take him down.
The Spirit of Air
A dream shaped by written words, whispered down for years by the currents of this Montain, and it's requiem witnessed but by a few — the end of dreams. But from where I standed at the peak, I called upon the distant currents that went down, and asked them: who am I?
And Air came unto me as bird, which had thousands of letters for feathers, and in the tongue of dead men answered.
"Somebody who only a few will remember by strange deeds; as the burden on your back, is a past tainted by impossible dreams. You were a lunatic giving new names to folk, and folk never bothered to remember —so your name must be freak, as you died in a forgotten shack some short time ago."
And as Air said these things upon me, I called Misery —as I had dubbed Fire — and told him to get inside my shot. The burden as Air had said, became lesser as i took the shot from my quiver. And I said upon Misery; that he was to set ablaze this arrow, as I was taking down the bird of Britain, and that I would do so, so God would give the deeds of Earth some better names.
The Lord is making a bridge between the empire of strength, and the last empire of men. Now by God's grace, I'm making the tongue of free men, the tongue of Spain. You will be eventually bound to my bidding, and if not me, it will be to the one I'm preceding; for I'm giving you twenty years to attone your wrongdoing. Alas, now because of your wretchedness, my shot on earthly men won't be clean, for his left leg won't stay steady.
Your old name was apathy, now I'm calling you Cisma, which in the tongue of dead men means schism. So now by the will of God lay unto the ground and say the words you've been teached. And as the arrow blazed forward, it's bending motion pierced the veil hiding the secret ladder of men. The bird of Britain catched on Fire, and it's hollering resounded throught the ladders of the mountain until the depths of the abyss. A column of air turned into fire, then violenty erupted from the vowels of the bird, and the wild fire spread as a storm from west to east all throughout the five kingdoms of men away from its own fiery wings, with a gift of misery and a few words to say.
"The name of your woman or the name of your man, will no longer explain their purpose to a man, a woman, or God. Charred words written by thunder will now be the new ladder of men — but until then, darkness upon thee."
But the feathers of old words, layed on the ground, for common folk now knew by the light of the storm their meanings — and horrified, they waged war on each other, killing each other, and seeking revenge on each other. Thus the bird of Britain dragged further into the ground, screaming and flapping
The House of Water
I head into the coasts, and the beautiful beaches in-between, to find the stranger who burns images in the skin of men. He is the stranger, and has adopted the body of a monster, and he is one who cannot be understood, so he went on to only go out home in stunts, for the burdens in his heart have become too great to bear. Through terrible pains he has given all he once was for an identity, and as I pick up on his past, i found familiarity in the feelings of his heart. Oh dear friend how we found looking in sadness to ourselves, after doing same but with different means, carrying into our shoulders the loneliness of this world. As you have in-skin the garments of the strange doctrine that I preach — I shall congrate you, for you truly have fought the world entire, for my doctrine is the words of those who shall defeat the world entire.
I may not have your strangeness in-body, but I have it in these words, and in the true feelings of my heart. And I say in admiration that there's no higher form of art, philosophy or religion: than those who perform the highest thing they can give a name about.
Now even within solitude, and at odds with what old dead men call God, I see you and I found strength in you, as I can see you are within me, and in that, you are within everything as it should be - as is meant in everyone who does something that touches the heart of another man. I call this the kingdom of God. Yet blind men and women will wonder how can the kingdom of God possibly be within two outcasts such as you and me.
Upong giving my regards and waiting for response, I found my way into a bench. It was a warm afternoon, and the wind carried the water of the sea. The bird of Britain came about down from the wind of north, and layed on the bench were I was sitting.
The bird asked: why hast thou become this?
And I said back to bird, scorched he was and nearing death, that it was me someone who was supposed to give names, yet for years I couldn't figure out one for myself. Then on went to being given a name, Alas all the wrong ones. Did Adan gave himself a name? - I asked the bird back. And there was no response from bird. Then I continued.
A man has the essence of his soul retained by what he is seen doing. Yet I did things nobody saw, so my soul wasn't with God but with something just as ancient, and nonetheless unknown by men in its true nature — then Satan as the better known devil, came about and pushed me into a hole. It was my own doing. Yet the things I did, I thought were seen. But nonetheless what I did was without contemplation on a posible return. Just as somebody who prints an image on their own skin. It's permanent. This is the essence of a memory in the soul of the man who's seen by others. But in the familiarity of a man who picked every irreversible decision like the Alien, I find myself feeling sympathy, for the man is still not what he has been seen doing, he shall redeem himself by what he decides to turn himself into.
Is this a way of saying that you want to get yourself a tattoo? Get a new look? - the bird mockingly asked.
And I gave the scorched bird no answer.
Then the bird said unto me: what about your career as a prophet, uh? And the things you said about returning with substance? Do you actually think this is substance?
And i considered what the Bird said, then I negated with a movement of my own head. It is not i answered, but i find the memories of me not making sense unbearable. For those mean the memories of a fool, un pendejo, an insane person, or both. And I will always try to amend what I don't do well. But now I wish for only one thing, and it is to be remembered as someone who makes sense, and who out of that sense, made good upon the world. I don't expect anything in return for what I do now, as it is merely an outlet to keep me sane while I finish editing my work. It's clear I'm too incompetent to be a competent influencer. As for once, I don't care about influencing anyone into what I think; but to perform what I think it's important.
Then every proverbial student is free to take classes so as they see fit, and to interpret such classes as their comprehension gives them grasp of what it's said. In such regard, this is what I offer now, while I make the journey to Madrid. And the bird tilted it's head so as to observe me with his left eye, then after a long impasse, it made a loud and painful caw, and finally flew away. Soon after the bird flew, I looked upon the stars in the nascent night, and confessed to them, that it was the memories of who we were, what often stumps us into wrong beliefs of who we should be, maybe even wasting an entire lifetime retained by that which other people remembered us as being. But we are not the owners of our own names, the place we go, and our destiny. That's the biggest lie the western world of hollywood heros tell you, as in truth is collective agreement what determines what we look like doing and thus the meaning we should comfort to, recalling that names are practical mechanisms to remember the purpose of things, their meaning, and how their motion is described in the world.
But making the task of beating that collective belief, akin to the Nietzschean ideal of the camel turning into the lion, so as to transform it's spirit and become something else. But if it's the golden dragon of all the huamn values which judges you insane, will you be prepared to wrestle with the entire culture so as to have your way?
As I layed my eyes upon each star counting up to the number seventeen, I confessed of being scared of those beliefs, as revisiting the past, became a painful deed — and as I prepared to leave, I uttered one wish on the seventeenth point in the sky.
Lord please grant me strength, the way you have given my friend strenght.
2.
The night deepen, while the sea tide sang its own song of breathing. Some time passed, and then on the stranger showed himself approaching at the distance. I waved my hand at him, and after the instant, he found his way into my bench while I welcomed him with an extended fist which he casually bumped - after the short acknowledgement the dark alien looked at my face in between it's cover of dark, and looking at it undiscernable in its true features, with suspicion asked.
— What is it that you want?
I acknowledged him as a friend, then mentioned my brief research, as I had come to know him as man looking for a job, yet nobody would hire for things mundane due to his appearance. I listened closely to the news, and came to understand that this was a man looking for a second chance.Then I saw the intent behind his doing, and two words came to stick to my own thoughts. The first one was <> and the second one was <>. I was admired.
In analytical psychology I figured this man was the ESFP —the personality archetype related to the performer and the entertainer—, possessed in an abnormal way by the spirit by which a person submits to it's contrary nature, seeking to integrate and find fulfillment through the chase of what's perceived absent. If he was the ESFP then doing the flip by following the radial axis of each Jungian function in the stack towards their opposite resulted in the INTJ. The mastermind. The architect. The genius yet awfully complex individual. That was the elusive spirit he was chasing.
But a spirit and a character that at its most pronounced embodiment in a person, would experience life as an eternal foreigner hiding from the light of other men. Such made sense to me, for I myself was the INTJ, and had at spirit the ESFP. Him. So where as this man chased the spiritual fulfillment of being a complex and deep individual, I chased the fulfillment of becoming simpler, so I could demonstrate with action the deepest desires of my heart. One who was born plentiful in means to be liked, becomes complex, mysterious and uncomprehended, meeting one who will be seen trying to make sense becoming simpler. For Carl Jung portrayed the anima and animus of individuals, as the sense of what its absent, yet deeply cherished an valued. So I said these things to the alien, while he silently listened to me.
— All of that sounds like bullshit to me. -Said the alien after some contemplation .— Sorry but the things you say, don't mean anything to me.
And alas for I expected such response, as if one thing was true about this journey, was that explaining the journey in and of itself would become it's grimmest task. I affirmated what he just said with a slight nod of head.
— These things I say and how they relate to each other, in its excercise are similar to doing stecheometric balance with equations in the head, but simpler I'm afraid. - Then I paused, looked back into the sea, and continued. — That's high school chemistry, but I don't expect everybody to pick up on it, nor like it, nor understand it.
— Now i have called you a friend, and where I came from we dub with this title the people we share destiny with. As far as I'm concerned, we are chasing the same thing, which is the hardest posible thing. We both innately understand that we are not home, as we want our spirit to return to us, and that's not what a lot of people ever honestly try to attempt in a lifetime; as such is anyone's call to feel complete.
— And very few people ever reach true individuality, beyond the name they are imposed at birth.
Then I looked into the black alien, and in-between his foreign facial features, I interpreted something familiar. Disturbance. And I continued.
— We have given ourselves hell as we lived chasing something hard, so we can avoid the same hell later on when we are finally back to our own house. This is a christian precept, altought a rundimentary one. Does that makes sense to you?
And after listening such, the black alien calmly looked at the veil in my face in silence. Trying to discern what my face actually looked like, but the night was dark. Then turned his stare back to the reflection of the moon over the waters, giving some thought to what I just said. I opened up my backpack, and drawed two cans of beer from it. Offered one to him, and he silently refused with a gesture of hand. I popped my can and gave it a sip, while I myself stared at the tides coming in and out of the shore.
— If you wan't a tattoo, we can work that out. But this sounds annoyingly familiar, and my interest is not religious. Are you religious?
I nodded in affirmation, and complemented saying. — But my doctrine is something nobody has heard nor seen. For its aim, is doing as Christ said, in perfect means. Yet its true that the teaching fits you, as it's the teaching of the future man; and there's nothing in common between the current man and the future man, as they may very well be different species. This is the precept of evolution.
The alien seemed surprised.
— These two men don't know each other, for the current man doesn't know where the future man comes from, for he himself doesn't know where he is going. Yet in deep realization of your own artistic concept, I think you might want new ideas to meet with your appearance. So tell me, are you curious about what truly happens to a man after he dies? Do you want to learn how to read someone's mind? Do you want to blast with words of fire the hearts of an amazed crowd?
But the black alien broke his calm contemplation of what I was saying, and slighty disturbed, aggressively rebuked after hearing such.
— But you mentioned 'Christ', so you must be christian. How can a christian even say anything interesting in this current time? Last time I asked, their sayings were dreaded by restriction - so why would anyone condemn themselves to a life of bore? Are you a christian?
And I nodded after the question, in silence. Admittedly, for I knew what the problem was with being what I was, and my new companion was bang on identifying it. Made a pause, then raised my sight to where it met with the sky and the stars in it, and I said back to him.
— I am, but not one of a type you have ever seen, for the Christ that comes, is a Christ of art.
2.
The riptide sang, in its secret dialect of earth and sea. I looked upon the coast, turned an eye blind, and saw the ocean as the scorpio, and the land as the taurus; as it was the struggle between two lovers, never meant to consume each other. Ideal love then - yet not to confuse with this partnership as it was whimsilcally tied by the means in which i arranged my current conversation; for my lady somewhere waited for me. Then i allowed my eyes to rest still.
The alien looked upon me, undiscernable in my intentions, and again figured for himself that my interest towards him wasn’t clear. In suspicion, and after the moment he collected his thoughts asked “In your weird words you dubbed me performer, so what is it exactly that you wan’t from me. To me it seems like you are gathering people for some form of religious clown show. When you forced this meeting upon me, was this a proposal you thought i would find amusement in?”. And after the statement my own stare wandered in my conversation partner. While as he had his say, i returned to my can of beer, and finished it with a long gulp. Tempered in an unwillingness to fall to my new found friend irritation, i said within my own thoughts: “The alien looks easy going, but he is barbed in wit”.
Then i opened the can of beer that the stranger rejected; the loud pop resounded in the relative silence, interrupting for a moment the steady chorus of the sea. Gave it a long sip, and said.
– Theres no proposal in place yet. But im certain of something, and that is that both of us are messed individuals which reached the bottom doing the same thing - but the way my understandment of the human soul goes: two people can act by mere interaction as reactives to each other, creating a new chemical compound after the fact.
– This new psychology is very much like chemistry. But it is not my intention to draw you into something, but to pull myself out of this «something» by doing right on another person and maybe that person reflecting the good back on me. I just need a conversation partner, thats all. And i will do this with you, and with many people more. Presidents included.
The alien reflected on it, and after the hiatus of a long standing position of suspicion he finally gave in, and eased up with a slight smile. A strange smile of relief. But the smile, was all too familiar for me, as i realized the man was a tortured individual: a person in long standing pain. I smiled back the way he did, and continued.
– Our pain has a common name, and is a name that can be written with words unfortunately. It’s the devilish mother of all spiritual ills and its foundation, rests at the concept of a past that wasnt solved. It’s called «inadequeacy», and for people like you and me, understanding one day that such inadecuacy had to be solved by our own means, lead us into an act where our name changed as the changes in our cover up act to solve our inadequacy did.
– We never honored the past or the present in our pursuit, as we desired in passion to find solution to the present, by matching it into the idealization of some future without ever realizing that the old or present essence of ones being would be crushed into non existance by said future.
– Then we found the realization of that new name, only to understand that its demands became a tyranny on the other faces of our soul: as our soul is not something that can be undestood in unity, but something that conceives in the beginning in multiple things which try to give shape to one thing. Theres many people in a village, and our minds, are no exception.
— But happiness is only achieved by those who have their soul entire - or those who are the same person regardless of the context and scenario. And we gave to much to somebody that wasn't us, as our spirit took possession and lead us down.
– This is this the essence by which someone goes to hell, only to do one thing over again, getting an ever lasting pain for all the things that were given up chasing that which was absent. The more someone is forced into being shaped by the thing that was concevied in lust, the more the individual misses the place they used to call home, for that is no longer within ones reach. Does this makes sense to you?
The alien left me with no answer, and as he contemplated the sea, a tear travelled through his strange face.
– In this state of anguish, affliction rarely ever feels company, as the very individual condition that was pursued, became a full suit and persona to be forced upon and wear. Hell, is one lonely place man because we only learn to speak a language, that only makes sense to ourselves. But i think we can find a way out of it. This is why I'm here.
“Look, what you’ve done, it’s not something i can see the way you can see my own doing on me.” The alien replied. “Besides the way in which i canno’t see your face in this night, you seem ordinary — but what you talk and the way you say it, evokes in every word regret. What is it that you’ve done that has you regret like this?”
As the alien finished speaking, I emptied the can of beer, layed my eyes on the irregular grooves that my feet had left on the sand, and then replied back to him, after making a recap of the story i had repeatedly told myself after falling down.
“My story, is the fairy tale of a guy who makes way for the new coming of a new man; a better man for the world, while he casts disarray upon the earth: much to his dismay, at the expense of his own soul as the people who become victims of disasters, were ones who this man deemed unfair; cruel, evil, despicable in past. That was at the beginning."
"Theres a pile of corpses behind that character — even in covid time, people as close as the local priest of the small town he lived in, would break their neck after falling in the shower, as he had the slightest suspicion of their secret deeds. All clean deads for that matter. Untraceable to nothing but sheer randomness. Magic as it seeems. But were this folk truly evil people or even guilty of anything? You may ask - the man never knew it for sure, as he never had faculties such as godly omniscience to actually know it; which has taken a toll on him, as the burden of justice is an unberable one for anything but a god."
"Which leads to another point: spontaneously picturing random numbers in the head, associating them with psychological compounds by angular momentum, and actually being bang on the suspicion. Truth friend, in its stochastic presentation: it's unberable.”
“Consequential of such attempts to rationalize his own story in the eyes of people such as close family, my dude became clinically diagnosed with referenced thinking. Which are fancy words for schizophrenia. Nobody believed the story as it was uttered."
"Yet the consequences are there for everyone to see, altought not visible in their cause and effect by anybody but this guy, which lead him first into regret over ever starting his quest as a reformer; and then repent.”
“Now before he realized of this lets call it «curse», he preached for years over the internet as the disasters started to slowly creep up. He preached in a fashion parallel to Niestzches Zarathustra; Zarathustra meaning a famous philosophical device artificied by the philosopher Niestzche, who’s aim was to portray the best posible man, as something he dubbed the <<Übermensch>> ”.
“Such concept being the seemingly more elegant brand of a humanist ideal for a not so distant future: today - albeit a wrong one, for this guy was not dyonisian himself. The backbone of his framework, is analytical psycholgy becoming a chariot for a true understandment of human nature: and ultimately a facilitator for love within light: not within ignorance; not within darkness. Most philosophers today though would mock anything analytical in it's aim."
"Then on the guy preached and dwelved further into the relative hole of his own doctrine: and became imprisoned by what he didn’t got right at first attempt, making him in the process the character that Nietzsche from the comfort of his own writers seat, never attempted to actually embody within realistic means: eventually figuring out within himself the ultimate Nietzschean aristocrat: a magic pen granted by being capetian by mother: from judah by father."
"But Alas, you have no idea how common suicide is within philosophers after they finish their best work. As language, becomes the ultimate barrier for understandment, and then to ones capacity to feel love. Difference — true saliency in ones individual destiny— leads to the gravest posible pain. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Besides technical work with a new form of psychology inspired by analytical chemistry, as that drawed from his efforts during the light of day, five years ago, once he felt the urge to try to reach out to the world from a position of what he deemed was greater understandment: he primitively preached during night his new set of ideas for people to behave beyond the limitations of manipulative psychology, albeit a harsh doctrine meant to clear the way for a better product: Christ himself."
"This is not a doctrine a human being can actually perform, as such its christianity at its highest capacity to bear fruit. It’s an impossible doctrine, yet solves the oldest problem posed in the bible. All which sounds very sci-fi bullshit-y but actual problems started for the protagonist in this tale, when the preaching matched with terrible consequences. Not figurative, but within tangible reality.”
“So just as we talk, theres a small legion of hackers pretending to be doing internet social experiments while talking in an artsy matter: much in my own style, entertaining the exact same concepts - a legion of dangerous monkeys, i have no control over."
"One of the many unexpected consequences being this, yet prompted by something evil; ancient: essentially replicating what my protagonist developed and then preached over the years, while these "hacktivists" lay their attention on things and people, as they select them and enforce upon them strict surveillance, to behave properly. Then to destroy them, as they did in 2020 with many corporations and institutions.A bizarre combination of theater actors to my own liking, and then cyber-security demigods: omniscient in their claims to surveill, and they are - derivative such of another device of what I've done; which is to build a theater so people can make-believe that they are infact performing within themselves something greater - but that's matter for another story."
“Most of the corpses piling up flat out dead, have no relation to him whatsoever; they became victims as my protagonist took measures to fight back the monster he found at the foundation of the known world. This is not an elaborate analogy for one's own unseen capacity for evil, as i mean this: a monster as literally as it can be. For these things friend, im doomed as in true strenght, i have nothing but the pen i use to write down what i think albeit always at danger of it’s eventual inversion. I have no real friends left. Not one who can understand, or help bear the pain: as friendship and love are all gated by understandment."
"The full story has many more vertients, but i think i’ve done it enough justice. This is the predicament of an insane man chased by his own shadow as he builds a better man: one who delivers heavenly things, and then a shadow stringed to deliver tyranny as the very strings behind him make the better man stumble while he tries to keep a grasp of his own spirit, and then of his own soul."
"That monster behind, is wicked smart — and cannot be outwitted nor overpowered but anything but divine smite."
“I’m heading now to a new country, to try to get friends from the only institution in the world who knows and adresses the current times being, and who by extension, might believe me. And to clarify, these being the end of times; but not the end of the world. Yet now i myself have a damocles sword pending over my own head, and i need to do something about it before it falls.”
And as i said these things, i reached out to my backpack drawing a third can of beer from it — besides my own super laptop, thats what my backpack had: an infinite supply of beer. Corona, Indio, Victoria, Dos Equis, Heineken; you name it. I popped the can, and gave it a long and definite sip as i emptied it complete.
The alien didn't try to show that he understood, but stood still in silence, with his sight in the sand below and pressing lips, knowing by my demeanor; that these things as I've said them was something that I needed to do. Then he said: "I don't follow man. You say you preach and then disasters occur. Like a prophet from the bible?"
"Yes. Then I preached to get rid of the things that are actually making the world worse, and something awoke soon after, and since then; everything I do is subject to being misinterpreted due to the diffamatory action of this thing. Now everytime I do something, it can be twisted and turned against my original intent. Right now the hackers are my worst problem: I may have a degree in computers but I have no fucking idea whatsoever of hacking. I earn my living as an A.I engineer.".
The alien raised his sight to meet with mine, and after doing some contemplation on the fact, quite simply said: "You are insane". Then lowered his own sight, and raised it again to meet with the sea and continued. "If you want a tattoo, we can work that out. But either way and whatever parts of your story are true and even worse; the ones you may be lying about: you sound dangerous in a delusional kind of sense, and my life is hard enough as is."
I pressed my fists, knowing then the old same thing had happened again. For I had never forced anything upon anybody, and I was willing to respect that until the bitter end. Then I released the build up of frustration with a loud sigh, and after this amend, I replied back.
"I understand and respect it. But let me just propose you that if you ever want to figure what is beyond life as it's lived by person who has never seen what is like to be someone you write a great story about; you can pin me, and I'll show you what's beyond that door. Give it some thought."
The alien; The Black Alien Project stayed there sitting, spechless but calm, almost expecting something else to be convinced about. But pointless, for i knew that nobody can be forced into anything without bringing a transgression into play – and i wasn’t one to taint myself in sin if it could be avoided. Not anymore.
3.
I made the distance at steady pace walking along the shore, until i found a small group of pines in-between the liminal space of the beach and the land. I sat with one of the pines trunk behind my back, and drawed the Schizo Pills from my eternal supply of traveller goodies.
Quetiapine 100 mg, and Olanzapine 10 mg, i made a smaller fragment from the olanzapine pill, and swallowed both complete. As their side effects were concerned, they would soon knock me out of conscience, as this little ritual was my own way of calling the day complete – then i layed there, vigilant, waiting for my own drowsiness to claim me into sleep - but the Bird of Britan came flying from above, and stood besides me.
\Chirp, Chirp, Chirp**
I watched the bird, annoyed, as its presence had become an omen for contempt. For me and the death people of my past. I frowned upon the little shit, and said nothing. The bird made a little nod, while tilting its head in excentricity the way birds do, and replied. — Hey Andrew!, do you remember when you tried to penetrate your own computer to make a universe grow inside of it? I just wan’t to know something: did your computer moan? Did it finally learnt how to scream your name?
\Chirp Chirp**
Ignoring the bird, i closed my eyes and stayed like that for a long moment, hoping to make the bird think i was asleep. Maybe that would make him leave.
— Can’t bullshit me like that Sweetheart. So please tell me something; why don’t you command one of your supermodels; these muses, to come here and warm the bed for you. It's a cold night and you seem lonely brah
. \Chirp Chirp**
I opened my eyes, and irritated, pointed menacingly at the bird turning my left hand into an imaginary gun. I had already failed at something today, and wasn’t convinced i needed the memory of the things i failed at before. Not now.

• Hol’ up cowboy ! you wan’t to bang my bird ass when you should be banging a bitch ass. What happened with Tyrone huckleberry? Did you managed to make him as impotent as you are right now? —I held steady my hand; and tired, the tempation to pull again the trigger on the bird was growing larger. I saw red roses in my own sight, making a terrible omen for a migraine forthcoming. Said nothing.

— The glowniggers are out there brah. You may not be a hacker – and its true, but i took notice of your last words: so now the glowies are going to instead dreambooth* people into every posible kind of scenario of extorsion, while they surveil like a motherfucker. Like you dream boothed yourself for your little ahem "art project". Then we will use Suno*, then Sora* when it open sources. Are you going to protect your hoes?
Said nothing.

• Alright cowboy, i will give meaning to that revelations verse. What was it? Ah yes. Revelations 9:6. Every single person with an internet history will be as paranoid as you were in 2020. Everyone will be diffamated into acts of political terrorism! Aren’t you am-

And as i pulled the imaginary trigger from the imaginary pistol, an imaginary arrow in the sky descended with a blaze of not so imaginary flames on the Bird of Britain, engulfing the little shit in heat, and making it’s body explode into a gore of scorched viscera. As if the bird was in a microwave oven. I inmediately gasped as the explosion was too close from where i was sitting - after the conmotion, stared at the red and burned stain in the floor, and left my sight rest there, as sleep finally found its way into my restless thoughts.
"No longer care for love unless it's between good friends”. Said to myself. There was certainly a migraine coming, but maybe my dreams would help convince it otherwise. And as far as the hoes were concerned, Furious Angels would be there for them. Like the Rob Dougan song.
4.
Found my own mind after the slumber – asleep, then awake. I realized several hours passed - at least enough to wake up and witness the sun rise above the sea. But as for dreams, the light veil of their memories wasn't something to rely upon. But i did remember something, and it was some overtone in dread; an atmosphere of fear – and a kind of dread sustained in it’s inevitability by the urgency that builds upon dearth.
Now what exactly was it though? I couldn’t remember from my dreams, but ever since i falled to my own death i had always present in mind the future succesion of events that would follow when things started to go very wrong. Iran, the U.S, Israel - now whatever was it in the news; the outcome would be the same. A thousand more cuts to an already languishing economy. Make that corpse bleed, and then fall off a cliff.
As such things would be cooked, just as the bird of britain. The bird was still there though: just in pieces and roasted like the contents of a dropped KFC bucket would. But the little shit would return - as it always did. The economy? Not so much.
Yet i digress. None of the world circumstances mattered as far i was concerned – i had built a small and portable solar system to power my laptop, and my beer supply was well, infinite - i made myself sure that i had my needs covered whatever happened around me. Not tied to even a house for that matter. I incorporated myself and gave my back a stretch. The morning breeze coming from the sea evocated in my memories some time that had long passed – late childhood. I rejected those memories as they beared with them things i didnt wan’t to remember - then wen’t on as usual in my morning routine scrolling through my instagram feed, figuring if there were any new hoes to maybe motivate me into doing my God imposed labour.
Labour which was to either write, or to finish the House of Water — then after scrolling i did in fact saw a new hoe; i dropped a Faux Pas comment. Maybe she would play along, maybe not. Whatever. Sometimes I would put in a lot of effort to do a rhyme. But the effort depended on the insta-hoe in question. I know. Not the best of habits, but back in elementary school i was the kind of kid that would only get motivation when the girls in the classroom were present in physEd. And then i would run faster: whole lotta faster. Run Forrest! Run! Women love used to fuel me; and the habit sticked — and at the moment, i was kinda done with the idea of female trascendence. Would rely on their love, but not on their validation. Not like a simp. Fuck that.
Furthermore, what results did i demonstrably mustered after pursuing true egalitarianism and sharing it? Exactly. A bitch gonna do what a bitch gonna do, and so does the human female. After publishing the comment, I locked my phone and walked towards the highway, as i was planning to pay a visit to somebody long forgotten - I had kind of a schedule that i was going to follow, before taking the plane to Madrid and become hispanic Jon Snow from the walgreens Nightwatch.

Movies - PayPal F&F
4K MA
Aliens - $7
Black Hawk Down - $5
Dracula: Untold - $4
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer - $5
Last Action Hero - $4
Life - $5
The Mask of Zorro - $5
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil - $4
Passengers - $5
The Raid: Redemption - $6
4K VUDU (paramountmovies)
Crawl - $5
The Crow - $7
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $5
Major League - $6
Mean Girls (2004) - $7
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! - $5
Snow White - $6
Titanic - $5
The War of the Worlds (1953) - $4
4K VUDU (movieredeem)
Ender's Game - $4
4K VUDU (Lionsgate)
3 From Hell - $4
American Psycho - $5
HD MA
Alvin and the Chipmunks 4-Movie Collection - $8
The Boy - $3
No Hard Feelings - $4
The Pope's Exorcist - $4
HD VUDU (paramountmovies)
Baywatch - $3 (4K on iTunes)
School of Rock - $4
HD VUDU (movieredeem)
The Blair Witch Project & Blair Witch - $6
The Hateful Eight - $3
The Haunting in Connecticut 2 - $2
Maggie - $3
The Prodigy - $3
HD VUDU (Lionsgate)
Are you there God? It's Me, Margaret. - $4
Dream Scenario - $5
The Exorcism of God - $3
Sinister - $4
Shivers - $4

So there is this guy I saw on Hinge, I ended up messaging him on Instagram and commented on one of his TikTok videos (which turns out he is a pretty big influencer, athlete) he indeed seems to be a very sweet guy (according to his post about life and love). I'm not sure why, but for me to have only exchanged 3 messages with this mystery man, I really love his mindset but here's the problem and why I seek advice...

1. I have fallen quite hard for a guy I know nothing about who is quite popular and whom I am probably not his type.
   
2. He is my type, country boy, professional college baseball player, funny, traditional morals and values.
   

I am not sure if I should double text and say something because he did follow me back and respond to me (very very sweet guy) but it doesn't seem he is interested which I'm not surprised considering all of the other gorgeous women in his comments and likes that he seems to ignore.
What should I do or how should I approach this situation?

For some reason the number one reason I am turned down is when meeting people romantically is for “not having dark features”
I am 6’4 with dirty blonde hair blue eyes and strawberry blonde mustache hair and weigh 210 lbs
7’s and below all find me extremely attractive but the people I find attractive tell me that I don’t have dark features
It’s gotten to the point to where I want to dye my hair black even though I would look awful with it
I’ve also been called a “not-z” on tinder more than once so that makes me think that women don’t find blonde haired guys attractive

When I listen to Black No. 1, I imagine Pete performing in some dimly lit club (probably Lamour, on a Saturday night) like a spooky male goth version of Jessica Rabbit. When I listen to Unsuccessfully Coping, I imagine Pete and the boys playing outside of the house (or hotel) of the girl that cheated on him, like that scene from every cheesy 80's/90's teen high school romcoms where the guy holds up a boombox and plays a love song so the girl will take him back, except he knows she's fucking someone else. When I listen to Xero Tolerance, around the "oh you're dead now!" part, I imagine Jason Voorhees (or some other famous serial killer like Michael Myers) chasing someone with an axe Scooby Doo style

The Big List

Prices are firm. Please only redeem the portion of a code you are paying for. All codes are for immediate redemption. All Disney & Sony codes include points unless otherwise noted. As of 4/01/2024 all Google Play options have been removed from Disney codes.
I accept Cashapp, Venmo, Zelle & PayPal F&F without any notes. Comment & pm if interested. Thanks!

🦝

MISC

Aquaman & The Lost Kingdom 4K [2023] $6 (MA)
Barbie 4K [2023] $6 (MA)
Batwoman season 1 HD [2019] $6 (Vudu)
Beekeeper, The HD [2024] $7 (Vudu)
Leprechaun 7 Film Collection HD $7 (Vudu)
Mean Girls 4K [2023] $6 (iTunes)
Supergirl season 5 HD $6 (Vudu)
X-Men Trilogy HD [X-Men, X2 & The Last Stand] $8 (MA)

🦝

$5 4K UHD
Blackkklansman (MA)
John Wick 1-3 (iTunes)
Mean Girls [2024] (iTunes)

🦝

$4 4K UHD

Big Lebowski, The (iTunes/ports)
Black Panther (MA + 200 points)
Bloodshot [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Captain Marvel (MA + 200 points)
Despicable Me [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Dredd (Vudu)
Frozen 2 [2019] (MA + 200 points)
Gone Girl [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (MA + 200 points)
Halloween [2018] (MA)
Hunger Games: The Ballad Of Songbirds & Snakes, The (Vudu or iTunes)
Jungleland [2020] (iTunes)
Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil (MA + 200 points)
Scream [2022] (Vudu or iTunes)
Silent Night [2023] (Vudu or iTunes)
Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Vudu or iTunes)
Tangled [2010] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Titanic [1997] (iTunes)
Us [2019] (MA)

🦝

$5 HD

Adventures Of Ichabod & Mr. Toad, The [1949] (MA + 150 points)
Fear The Walking Dead season 2 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 4 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 5 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 6 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 7 (Vudu)
Groundhog Day [1993] + Stripes [1981] double feature (MA)
Hannibal season 2 (Vudu)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame, The [1996] (MA + 150 points)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2, The [2002] (MA + 150 points)
Iron Claw, The [A24] (Vudu)
Lady & The Tramp II: Scamps Adventure [2001] (MA + 150 points)
Marvels, The [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Migration [2023] (MA)
Night Swim [2024] (MA)
Oppenheimer (MA)
Rob Zombie Trilogy [House Of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects [Unrated] & 3 From Hell [Unrated] (MA)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3,4 & 5 (Vudu)
Undoing, The season 1 [2020] (Vudu)
Wonka [2023] (MA)

🦝

$4 HD

300 Spartans, The (MA)
BFG, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Blue Beetle, The [2023] (MA)
Bridge Of Spies [2015] (MA + 150 points)
Color Purple, The [2023] (MA)
Drop, The [2014] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Fox & The Hound 2, The [2006] (MA + 150 points)
Indiana Jones & The Dial Of Destiny [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Justified season 4 (Vudu)
Lady & The Tramp [1955] (MA + 150 points)
Nun II, The [2023] (MA)
Priscilla [A24] [2023] (Vudu)
Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken [2023] (MA)
Sound Of Freedom [2023] (Vudu)
Wish [2023] (MA + 150 points)

🦝

$3️⃣ Movies

$3 4K UHD

Aladdin [2019] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Baywatch (Vudu)
Birth Of A Nation, The (iTunes/ports)
Bourne Identity, The [2002] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Bourne Supremacy, The (MA)
Bourne Ultimatum, The (MA or iTunes/ports)
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu)
Doctor Strange (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Frozen 2 [2019] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Interstellar (iTunes)
Knives Out (Vudu or iTunes)
Logan Lucky [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Moana (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
mother! [2017] (iTunes)
Robin Hood [2018] (Vudu)
Serenity [2005] (iTunes/ports)
Sicario (Vudu)
Spy Who Dumped Me, The (Vudu or iTunes)
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (MA + 200 points)
Thor: The Dark World (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Top Gun (iTunes)

🦝

$3 HD

Adjustment Bureau, The (iTunes/ports)
Avatar: The Way Of Water (MA + 150 points)
Baby Driver [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The (MA or Google Play/ports)
Bloodshot [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Call Me By Your Name (MA + Sony points)
Candyman: Day Of The Dead (Vudu or Google Play)
Cats & Dogs 3: Paws Unite (MA)
Devotion [2022] (Vudu HD or iTunes 4K)
Dirty Dancing (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Disneynature: Bears [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Emma [2020] (MA)
Exorcist: Believer, The [2023] (MA)
Foxcatcher [2014] (MA + Sony points) PENDING
Fruitvale Station (Vudu)
Glass [2019] (MA)
Goosebumps [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Grand Budapest Hotel, The (MA or Google Play/ports)
Grown Ups 2 (MA + Sony points)
Halloween Kills [2021] (MA)
Hocus Pocus (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Holmes & Watson [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Hundred Foot Journey, The [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Insidious: Chapter 3 (MA + Sony points)
Into The Woods [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (Vudu)
Killing Gunther (Vudu)
Lion King, The [1994] (MA + 150 points)
Little House On The Prairie season 5 (Vudu)
MIB International [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Midsommar [A24] (Vudu or Google Play)
Mindcage (Vudu or iTunes)
Money Monster [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Nurse Jackie season 7 (Vudu)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (iTunes/ports)
Pete's Dragon [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Phantom Thread [2017] (MA)
Planes: Fire & Rescue [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Predator [1987] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Pride + Prejudice + Zombies [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Public Enemies [2009] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Punisher, The [2004] (Vudu or Google Play)
Queen Of Katwe [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Robin Hood [1973] (MA + 150 points)
Scoob! [2020] (MA)
Secret Life Of Pets 2, The [2019] (MA)
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs [1937] (MA + 150 points)
Spider-Man: Across The Spiderverse [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
The Secret: Dare To Dream (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Tyler Perry's Diary Of A Mad Black Woman [2005] (Vudu)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (Vudu or Google Play)
Uncharted [2022] (MA + Sony points)
Us [2019] (MA)
Vanishing, The [2019] (Vudu or Google Play)
Venture Bros: Radiant Is The Blood Of The Baboon Heart [2023] (MA)
Violent Night [2022] (MA)
Walking Dead season 9, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Walking Dead season 10, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Way Way Back, The [2013] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Whiplash [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Zombieland: Double Tap (MA + Sony points)

🦝

💲2️⃣ HD

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi (iTunes 4K)
2 Guns [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
21 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
22 Jump Street [2014] (MA + Sony points)
31 [2016] (Vudu)
3 From Hell [Unrated] (Vudu 4K or iTunes 4K)
About Last Night [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (MA)
Action Point [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Admission [2013] (iTunes/ports)
Adventures Of Tintin, The (Vudu or iTunes)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Age Of Adaline, The (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Alien Covenant (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Allied [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Aloha [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha & Omega 2: A Howl-lday Adventure (Vudu)
Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Amazing Spider-Man, The [2012] (MA)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
American Girl: Isabelle Dances Into The Spotlight (MA)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
American Reunion [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (Vudu or iTunes)
Annie [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Annihilation [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Ant Man & The Wasp [2018] (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Arrival [2016] (Vudu)
Art Of Self-Defense, The [2019] (MA)
Assassin's Creed (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Atomic Blonde (MA)
Avengers: Endgame (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Avengers: Infinity War (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Baywatch (iTunes 4K)
Beauty & The Beast [2017] (MA + 150 points/iTunes option is expired)
Beguiled, The [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Beirut [2018] (MA)
Ben-Hur [2016] (Vudu)
Best Man Holiday, The [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Blackhat [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Black Panther [2018] (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Bohemian Rhapsody (MA or Google Play/ports)
Book Club [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Boss Baby, The [2017] (MA)
Bourne Legacy, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Boy, The [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Boyhood [2014] (iTunes)
Boy Next Door, The [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Breakthrough [2019] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Bridesmaids [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Broken City [2013] (MA)
Bumblebee (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Captain America: Civil War (MA only/no points or iTunes option)
Captain Marvel [2019] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Captain Phillips [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (MA)
Case For Christ, The [2017] (MA)
Celebrating Mickey (MA/ no points)
Choice, The [2016] (Vudu or iTunes)
Company Of Heroes [2013] (MA)
Concussion [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Contraband (iTunes/ports)
Cowboys & Aliens [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Curse Of Chucky [2013] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Daddy's Home (iTunes 4K)
Dark Skies [2013] (Vudu) PENDING
Dark Tower, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Dead Again In Tombstone [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Dead In Tombstone [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Dead Man Down [2013] (MA)
Deadpool 2 [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Deepwater Horizon (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Despicable Me 2 (iTunes/ports 4K)
Despicable Me 3 (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Devil's Due [2014] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Divergent Series: Allegiant, The (iTunes 4K)
Django Unchained (Vudu)
Downsizing (iTunes 4K)
Downton Abbey [2019] (MA)
Dracula Untold (iTunes/ports 4K)
Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer's Curse (iTunes/ports)
Dredd [2012] (Vudu)
Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas [2000] (MA)
Duff, The (iTunes or Google Play)
Edward Scissorhands (MA or Google Play/ports)
Emoji Movie, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Empire State [2013] (Vudu or Google Play)
Ender's Game (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Epic [2013] (MA)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer 2, The (MA + Sony points)
Escape From Planet Earth (Vudu)
Everest [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ex Machina (Vudu)
Exodus: Gods & Kings (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Exposed [2016] (Vudu)
F9: The Fast Saga [2021] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Universal Rewards points)
Fast & Furious [2009] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fate Of The Furious [F8] [Theatrical] (MA 4K)
Fences [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Ferdinand [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Fifty Shades Darker [2017] [Unrated] (MA 4K)
Fifty Shades Of Grey (iTunes/ports 4K)
Finding Dory (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
First Purge, The [2018] (MA)
Flight [2012] (Vudu or iTunes)
Footloose [2011] (Vudu)
Fortress [2021] (Vudu or Google Play)
Frozen [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K+ 150 points)
Fury [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Game Of Thrones season 3 (iTunes)
Game Of Thrones season 4 (iTunes)
Get Out [2017] (MA)
Ghostbusters [2016] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Sony points)
Ghost Team One [2013] (Vudu or iTunes)
Gift, The [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Gifted [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports, iTunes option is expired)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (iTunes 4K)
God Bless The Broken Road (Vudu or Google Play)
Gods Not Dead 2 [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Gods Of Egypt (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Greatest Showman, The [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Great Wall, The [2017] (MA)
Grey, The [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.2 (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Guilt Trip, The [2012] (Vudu)
Hacksaw Ridge (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option expired)
Hail, Caesar [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [Unrated] (Vudu or iTunes)
Hateful Eight, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Heat, The [2013] [Theatrical] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Hell Or High Water (Vudu or Google Play)
Hercules [2014] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Hitman's Bodyguard, The (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option is expired)
Hobbs & Shaw [2019] (MA)
Home [2015] [DreamWorks] (MA)
Home Alone [1990] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Homefront [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Honey 2 [2011] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hotel Transylvania 2 [2015] (MA + Sony points)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 (MA)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (Vudu)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [2016] [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
I Am Wrath (Vudu)
Inside Out [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Instant Family (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Internship, The [2013] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Interview, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Invisible Man, The [1933] (MA)
I Still Believe [2020] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
It Follows [2015] (Vudu)
Jackass 3 [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Jack Reacher (Vudu)
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (Vudu)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (iTunes 4K)
Jason Bourne [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
John Henry [2020] (Vudu)
John Wick (iTunes 4K)
John Wick 1 & 2 (Vudu or Google Play)
John Wick: Chapter 2 (iTunes 4K)
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (iTunes 4K) or all 3 for $5
Joy [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (MA + Sony points)
Jurassic World (iTunes/ports 4K)
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (MA)
Justice [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Kevin Hart: What Now? (ITunes/ports)
Kick-Ass 2 [2013] (MA)
Kidnap [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Killer Elite (iTunes/ports)
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Kingsman: The Secret Service (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Last Knights [2015] (Vudu)
Last Vegas [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Last Witch Hunter, The [2015] (iTunes 4K or Google Play)
Leprechaun: Origins (Vudu)
Leprechaun Returns (Vudu or Google Play) or both for $3
Let's Be Cops [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Life [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports 4K)
Lockout [2012] [Unrated] (MA + Sony points)
Logan [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Lone Survivor [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Longest Ride, The (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Lorax, The [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Love Actually [2003] (MA)
Love & Mercy [2015] (Vudu)
Love, Simon [2018] (MA)
Lucy [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Maleficent (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again [2018] (MA)
Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom (Vudu)
Marauders (Vudu)
Martian, The [2015] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Mary Poppins [1964] (MA + 150 points)
Mechanic: Resurrection (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Men In Black 3 (MA + Sony points)
MI-5 [2015] (Vudu)
Mile 22 (iTunes 4K)
Mindgamers [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Minions [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Miracles From Heaven (MA + Sony points)
Mission Impossible: Fallout (iTunes 4K)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (iTunes 4K)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (iTunes 4K) or all 3 for $5
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Moms’ Night Out [2014] (MA)
Monuments Men, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mortal Engines [2018] (MA)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mother's Day [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Mountain Between Us, The [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Mummy, The [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Murder On The Orient Express [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (iTunes/ports)
Neighbors [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Noah [2014] (Vudu or iTunes)
Non-Stop [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Norm Of The North (Vudu or iTunes)
Now You See Me 2 (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Nut Job, The [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Oblivion [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ouija [2014] (MA)
Overlord [2018] (Vudu)
Oz: The Great & Powerful (MA + 100 points)
Pain & Gain [2013] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity [2009] [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 2 [Unrated Director's Cut] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 3 [Extended] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 4 [Unrated] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones [Theatrical] (iTunes)
Passengers [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Penguins Of Madagascar (MA)
Percy Jackson: Sea Of Monsters (MA or Google Play/ports)
Pet Sematary [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Philomena (Vudu)
Pitch Perfect (iTunes/ports 4K)
Pitch Perfect 3 [2017] (MA)
Planes: Fire & Rescue (MA without points)
Playing With Fire (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Predator, The [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Project Almanac (iTunes)
Prometheus (MA or Google Play/ports, no iTunes option)
Proud Mary [2018] (MA)
Purge: Anarchy, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Ralph Breaks The Internet (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Red Dawn [2012] (Vudu or Google Play)
Redemption [2013] (Vudu)
Replicas [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Riddick [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Rings [2017] (Vudu)
R.I.P.D. Rest In Peace Department (iTunes/ports 4K)
Rise Of The Guardians [2011] (MA)
Risen [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Robin Hood [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Rock Dog (iTunes)
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Roman J. Israel, Esq [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Rush [2013] (MA)
Saban's Power Rangers (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Safe House [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Savages [2012] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (iTunes/ports)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA 4K or iTunes/ports 4K)
Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, The (MA or Google Play/ports, iTunes option is expired)
Seventh Son [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Sex Tape [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Shack, The [2017] (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Show Dogs [2018] (MA)
Silver Linings Playbook (Vudu or Google Play)
Sing [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Sinister (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Sisters [2015] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Skyscraper [2018] (MA)
Sleepless [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Snow White & The Huntsman [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spectre [2015] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Spider-Man 2 [2004] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Far From Home [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Homecoming [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: No Way Home [2021] (MA + Sony points)
Split [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Spy [2015] [Unrated] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Star Trek [2009] (iTunes 4K)
Star Trek: Beyond (iTunes 4K)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Step Up All In [2014] (Vudu)
Step Up Revolution (Vudu or Google Play)
Sting, The [1973] (MA)
Straight Outta Compton [Unrated] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Super 8 (Vudu)
Super Buddies (MA without points)
Taken 3 [Unrated] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [2014] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Terminator: Genisys (iTunes 4K)
Texas Chainsaw [2013] (Vudu) PENDING
The Night Before [2015] (MA + Sony points)
This Is The End [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Top Five [2014] (iTunes)
Top Gun (Vudu)
Total Recall [2012] [Theatrical & Director's Cut] (MA + Sony points)
Tower Heist [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell (MA)
True Grit [2010] (Vudu or iTunes)
Tyler Perry's Acrimony (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Tyler Perry's A Madea Family Funeral (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (iTunes 4K)
Uncle Drew [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Underworld: Blood Wars (MA + Sony points)
Vendetta [2016] (Vudu)
Venom [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Walk Among The Tombstones, A (iTunes/ports)
Walking With Dinosaurs: The Movie (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
War Room [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Why Him? [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Wolf Of Wall Street, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Woman In Black, The [2012] (MA)
Wonder [2017] (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Wonder Park [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Woodlawn [2015] (MA or iTunes/ports)
X-Men: Apocalypse (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
X-Men: Days Of Future Past (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Your Highness [2011] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Zootopia (MA without points)

🦝

💲2️⃣ SD

12 Rounds [2009] [Extreme Cut] (iTunes/ports)
Aliens In The Attic (iTunes/ports)
Amelia (iTunes/ports)
Beasts Of The Southern Wild (iTunes/ports)
Black Swan (iTunes/ports)
Date Night [Unrated Extended Edition] (iTunes/ports)
Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who! (ITunes/ports)
In Time [2011] (iTunes/ports)
Percy Jackson double feature [Lightning Thief & Sea of Monsters] (MA)
Ramona & Beezus (iTunes/ports)
Street Kings (iTunes/ports)
Three Stooges: The Movie, The [2012] (iTunes/ports)

🦝

$1 Codes

💲1️⃣ HD

2 Guns (MA)
Alex Cross (Vudu)
Bad Grandpa [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Bad Moms (iTunes/ports)
Battleship [2012] (MA)
Big Hero 6 (Google Play/ports)
Book Club (Vudu)
Bourne Legacy, The (MA)
Bring It On: Worldwide Cheersmack [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Deadpool (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Divergent (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Divergent Series: Insurgent, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Duff, The [2015] (Vudu)
Dying Of The Light (Vudu)
Everest [2015] (MA)
Expendables 2, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Expendables 3, The [Theatrical] (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Fast & Furious [2009] (MA)
Fast & Furious 6, The [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (MA)
Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift, The (MA)
Fast Five [Extended] (MA)
Fate Of The Furious, The [8] [Theatrical or Extended] (MA)
Fault In Our Stars, The [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Frozen: Sing Along Edition (MA without points)
Furious 7 [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ghost In The Shell [2017] (Vudu)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Vudu)
Girls Trip [2017] (MA)
Good Day To Die Hard, A [2012] [Extended] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Hidden Figures [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Hillsong: Let Hope Rise [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hugo (Vudu)
Hunger Games, The [2012] (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (Vudu)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [2016] [Extended] (MA)
Identity Thief [2013] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
I, Frankenstein (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Inside Out [2015] (Google Play/ports)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (Vudu)
Jason Bourne (MA)
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (Vudu)
Les Misérables [2012] (MA)
Let's Be Cops [2014] (MA only/no iTunes option)
Lucy (MA)
Mission Impossible: Fallout (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (Vudu) or both for $2.50
Now You See Me [Extended] (Vudu or iTunes)
Parental Guidance [2012] (MA)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Pitch Perfect (MA)
Purge, The [2013] (MA)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (Vudu)
Red 2 (Vudu)
Ride Along [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Ride Along 2 (MA or iTunes/ports)
RIPD Rest In Peace Department (MA)
Safe [2012] (Vudu or Google Play)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA)
Selma (iTunes)
Skyfall (Vudu or Google Play)
Snitch (iTunes 4K or Vudu/Google Play HD)
Star Trek: Beyond (Vudu)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (iTunes 4K)
Taken 2 (MA or Google Play/ports)
Ted [Unrated] (MA) or [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Terminator: Genisys (Vudu)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (iTunes 4K)
Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Vudu)
Trolls [2017] (MA)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (iTunes 4K)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection (iTunes)
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor (Vudu or Google Play)
Unbroken [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Warm Bodies (Vudu)
What To Expect When You're Expecting (iTunes)
World War Z (Vudu)
Zootopia (Google Play/ports)

🦝

💲1️⃣ SD

21 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
22 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
Act Of Valor (iTunes)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Bad Boys For Life [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Big Mommas Like Father, Like Son (iTunes/ports)
Captain Phillips (MA + Sony points)
Charlie's Angels [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Concussion [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Dirty 30 (Vudu)
Dog's Way Home, A [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer 2, The (MA + Sony points)
Evil Dead [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Family, The [2013] (iTunes)
Family Guy: Blue Harvest (iTunes)
Family Guy: It's A Trap (iTunes)
Forbidden Kingdom, The (iTunes)
Glee: The Concert (iTunes/ports)
Goosebumps 2 [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Grown Ups 2 (MA + Sony points)
Hangover, The [2009] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Haywire (iTunes)
Heat, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
Hereafter [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Here Comes The Boom [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Hitchcock [2012] (iTunes/ports)
Hotel Transylvania 3 (MA + Sony points)
Hours [2013] (Vudu)
Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (iTunes/ports)
Immortals [2011] (iTunes)
Insidious: Chapter 3 (MA + Sony points)
Insidious: The Last Key (MA + Sony points)
Interview, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Journey To Bethlehem [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Jumanji: The Next Level (MA + Sony points)
Knight & Day (iTunes/ports)
Life As We Know It (iTunes/ports)
Looper (MA + Sony points)
Men In Black [1997] (MA)
Men In Black II [2002] (MA + Sony points)
Men In Black III [2012] (MA + Sony points)
MIB International [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Mirror Mirror [2012] (iTunes)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones (MA + Sony points)
Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian (iTunes/ports)
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Olympus Has Fallen (MA + Sony points)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Overcomer [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Parker [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Passengers [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (iTunes/ports)
Perfect Guy, The [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (iTunes SD only)
Peter Rabbit [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Pixels [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Pope's Exorcist, The [2023] (MA)
Predators [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Proud Mary [2018] (MA)
Public Enemies [2009] (iTunes/ports)
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (iTunes/ports)
Robin Hood [2010] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Safe Haven (iTunes)
Scoob [2020] (MA)
Shallows, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado (MA + Sony points)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spider-Man: Far From Home [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: No Way Home [2021] (MA + Sony points)
Star, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Still Alice [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Taken [2009] [Extended Cut] (iTunes/ports)
Thanksgiving [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Thousand Words, A [2012] (Vudu)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Tough Love (Vudu)
Underworld: Awakening (MA + Sony points)
Venom (MA + Sony points)
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (MA + Sony points)
Vow, The [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Water For Elephants (iTunes/ports)
When The Bough Breaks (MA + Sony points)
X-Men: First Class (iTunes/ports)
Zombieland: Double Tap (MA + Sony points)

🦝

Super Cheap SD & HD Codes

All movies are 3 for $1 each/must spend at least $1 on total order.
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu SD only)
Croods, The (iTunes/ports SD)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (iTunes/ports SD)
Expendables 2, The (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Expendables 3, The [Unrated] (iTunes HD only)
Fast & Furious 6 [Extended] (MA ports HD)
Fast Five [Extended] (iTunes/ports HD)
Furious 7 [Extended] (MA ports HD)
Heat, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
Hunger Games, The (Vudu SD or iTunes SD only)
Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (Vudu HD only)
Internship, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
John Wick 3 (Google Play HD only)
Jurassic World (MA ports HD)
Last Witch Hunter, The (Vudu SD only)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports SD)
Mechanic: Resurrection (Vudu SD only)
Now You See Me 2 (Vudu SD only)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (Vudu HD only)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Google Play/ports HD)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Vudu HD only)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Vudu SD only)
Warm Bodies (iTunes SD only)

Let me start by saying I’m very body positive but I’m also very do what makes you feel good . If someone whose overweight decides to make a decision for them that they have fully researched who am I to tell them what to do . I have my own beliefs about my own health that I’m sure don’t jive with other peoples . If they gain it all back so be it , if they end up with some odd side effects that’s for them to navigate . As long as they don’t start treating other obese people badly. I don’t care .
Telling black women who have struggled to lose weight for many years no do it the right way is wild . If it gives someone a running start go for it . Unless you have battled weight before you wouldn’t understand. The same people who treat people horribly for being overweight or fat now feel they have the right to know how they lost the weight . I feel like fat shaming and fatphobia is still widely accepted by everyone in general they feel they can demand these answers from people. Also the companies are the reason for bottlenecks on diabetes medication and the extreme costs. Thats end stage capitalism for you.

Chapter 3
*fictional * ( 😉)
Generational trauma
Unfortunately, a lot of people know exactly what it’s like to fall victim to the curse of generational trauma - whether it be physical- mental -emotional- or sexual. There are many ways People respond to trauma, more specifically, childhood trauma. Childhood trauma hits differently because it’s embedded and who you are.
For example GG (my maternal grandmother) had 3 bio children living with her and my grandfather- the oldest not being biologically his and the younger two being biologically his children. My mums older brother … M…. Started to sexually abuse her from the time she was 7 until he moved out of the house. There was a significant age gap of about 8 years. I’m unsure if he was the start of the cycle or if he started out as a victim. It’s also important to note that this side of the family can only bond over one particular thing… and that is having a common enemy. It’s a never-ending cycle of who is the whole family mad at? Who is who side. And how many can be recruited to their side.
A lot of toxic families also tend to share a similar dynamic- and unfortunately, a lot of people will likely relate to this as well. You usually have a golden child - the child that absolutely does no wrong. The forgotten child(ren) the kids that weren’t necessarily good or bad, but generally were overall ignored. And the scapegoat- everything is this kids fault. The scapegoat is the root of all of the families issues- and they know it, because they’ve been conditioned to know that everything is always their fault
M was the golden child. K (the second born) was the forgotten- and mum was the scapegoat. When mum Came forward with the sexual abuse allegations. It was pretty easy for M to convince everyone that she was just a liar who is making it up for attention. M
And how did she respond. She’s definitely someone you begin this story wanting to root for, and I always kind of will, root for her. But, the combination of the psychological trauma of the sexual abuse, and the way that GG turned on her completely, called her a liar, tried to convince anyone who would listen she was making it up. she responded becoming overly promiscuous. She was always very content with how things were and never really strive to have better than what she already had. She did not take care of herself- or her home. She went into an abusive marriage with S. They had two sons. At one point, Mum lost custody of the boys- and they were taken in by GG and her husband- during this time, mum went out and got pregnant with me- deciding to work it out with S even though he wasn’t the father.
Our life wasn’t easy. We lived in filth. We were poor. We had no real stability. S and mum stayed together until I was 7- Life up until seven was also not easy- we moved from one state to the desert- I was around 4. S had serious anger issues. CPS was regularly involved. Not only for the bruises on us- but because we went to school clearly dirty. The worst beating I ever got was over a spoon. I remember playin in the bath tub- when S found a spoon in my room. He came into the bathroom and demanded that I get out. He then called over R and brother (both of my older brothers) and made them watch as he repeatedly hit me with a belt - which was made 10 times worse due to the fact that I was still soaking wet. I was naked. Soaking wet - being humiliated to stand in front of my two older brothers that way, and being beaten over a spoon. And if that isn’t scary enough- I was actually the one he went the easiest on. R and brother suffered black eyes and teeth being knocked out. Mum vowed to the CPS worker that this would be the last time and she threatened us if he ever did this again that she would leave. He didn’t do it again.
And to this day anytime I have peanut better off a spoon- I think of that day.
That wasn’t enough for her to leave, which to this day I find incredibly strange. When I was 7S went out of town and when he came back, he had a new penpal, a woman that he met on a greyhound bus that God whispered in his ear and told him that she was the one he was supposed to be with (his words). So that was what broke them up. Not the beatings.- not the toxic behavior- the cheating ON HER.
S went his way mum went hers. Mum was sleeping around and ended up pregnant again - with summer- she met step dad and got married very quickly after meeting - s married his affair partner. The summer before a fair partner moved to the desert to be with S - we would stay in a small town that got really cold at night- we would all sleep out in the living room because there was a furnace to keep us warm- during this S would always make sure to sleep next to me- and he would do and say things to me that I won’t put here.
I started bringing a friend with me so he would leave me alone - it worked. ( he didn’t do anything to friend it just blocked his opportunity to get to me)
The end of the story for s comes a few years later. He picked us up after not seeing us for about 6 months - took us on a ride and told his “I am choosing to be happy with my wife over you guys, I have to chose and I’m choosing my own sanity/ life” and then he dropped us back off at home. The next time I saw him was after I turned 18.
In the meantime - our family dynamic has drastically changed
Mum is married. Summer is the baby. Brother is the golden child. I was forgotten and r was the problem… until… R gets hit by a car. He had injury so bad he was once compared to Christopher Reeves- he wasn’t meant to live, but an experimental surgery actually helped him survive and gain most of his function back (although he did never get the function to his left arm- and eventually had it amputated). When he got into this accident, he became the sick one… and I became the problem.
A lot of the household responsibilities fell on brother and me. Mum and step dad were working - and more than what was fair or right we were left pretty much to our own devices most of the time. Nick stayed golden- and I learned to say exactly how I felt and became very outspoken- so an even bigger problem of a problem child. We moved constantly. We never had nice things. I can remember at around age 11 or 12 I started to become increasingly embarrassed about the way that I would smell when I would go to school- when I lived in filth, I truly mean that- dogs/ dog mess. Cockroaches. The bottoms of our feet were always black from the floor- multiple different family members tried to get us taken away just for the cleanliness of our house- which never worked. at this time I developed OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) - but unfortunately, it was never diagnosed until I was much older because taking me to a primary doctor and getting the properly medicated was too much work- I was just acting that way because again I’m always the problem. My adult eyes and heart scream for that version of me. I needed consistency and stability and an organized clean environment.- and I was living in the exact opposite and constantly made it to be villainized over my reaction to it. when I would vocalize what was wrong I’d be told “you just think your better than everyone “ I’ll touch more on the mother-daughter dynamic later, but I got out of that house as soon as I could, and lived with whoever would take me in from around the age of 13- and if I had to go back, it was never for long.
Brother - Brother grew up to care a little more. He wanted a nice house that was somewhat clean.- and wanted something more stable for himself as well. He was always a worker- so he got his GED and entered the workforce- he has a decent career- but is chronically Switzerland, he always tries to stay in everyone’s good graces- maybe he’s an undercover people pleaser? Being liked is more important than standing for something ?
Summer - I wish you well always. And like I’ve told you for so long until you get yourself out of this this is going to be a never-ending cycle - and I always wish nothing but the best- but summer was also sexually abused within the family- and unlike me who found it pretty easy to blame the perpetrator and not let it keep me down- summer pretty much with the opposite way. She struggles with drug addiction. As I’m writing, she does not have custody of her son due to a relapse she had over Christmas.- her life very much mirrors mums life. She is making all of the same mistakes and my mum cannot hold her accountable because that would also mean having to hold herself accountable which she is unwilling to do. So now Summer has fallen into a cycle of never being able to accept accountability for anything. And you don’t know much about drug addiction or alcohol addiction one of the biggest parts of recovery is accountability.
R- out of respect for him, who has always been very low contact with us. I’m not going to speak on his life.
I’m going to pause here today.
Chapter 4 will be about this past year and the dynamic shift between myself and everyone listed. I know a lot of this information probably feels very random but I promise you once this is all out. Everything will make sense. It’ll also be heavily focused on my relationship with mum, even though I had plenty of reasons to do so, I really never felt felt like I had “daddy issues”. After what happened to me the thought of a bigger actually kind of grossed me out… it was never really something that I longed for- but anyone who has mommy issues probably having an issue with your mom as far worse.

okay so i turned 18 on 4/20 so a few weeks ago now and i was, and still am, very against selective service, i didn’t want to sign up, i wasn’t going to sign up, i did not sign up. or so i thought until yesterday, i got a letter in the mail basically saying “thank you for registering” with the card and other garbage they packaged with it, i plan to shred the majority of it. i never once signed a single item related to selective service while i was 18, the only thing i can think is FAFSA but i signed that when i was a minor which would make it a non-binding signature.
ever since i got that letter i have felt like shit, when i got it i read it over a few times in disbelief, then after a while i just sat their and cried over it. i have talked to one person about it online and that was it, i haven’t talked about it to anyone else. i have a history of taking an insane amount of painkillers at once, to the point when im not allowed to have them without another person handing me a certain amount (i was taking 4x the recommended dose in one sitting) and i feel worse than i did while i was taking that stuff, i don’t want to start doing it again but at the same time i do and i don’t know what to do. i also have done other things always to hurt myself but in a way that didn’t leave any outward physical damage, id hold my breath until i passed out, close myself off from everyone (what im doing now) and id pull my hair as hard as possible to cause pain.
today at school was supposed to be a fun day, it was senior day and we visited our elementary school and played games and grilled. i was having a good time surprisingly until a teacher got mad for kicking a ball and it just knocked me back down and i felt like shit again. it feels like nothing is going right, i can’t get the selective service out of my mind now. i’m supposed to go to my friends house in less than an hour to work on college stuff and i don’t want to, i just want to stay in my room by myself.
i had thought of sending a letter to the selective service people telling them to kiss my ass with a ton of their personal information at the bottom (names, addresses, family members) that’s stuff but i don’t want to get in trouble for doing that, so i didn’t, not yet at least. i really want to do something, because this is bullshit.
i was never given a choice, i wasn’t going to sign it even if it was illegal i did not care, i feel like garbage. how is this even legal? it is blatant sex discrimination and coercion and is unconstitutional, yet it somehow remains, i hate it. i don’t envy women for a lot as they have other bad issues, but this is one of them, it makes me dislike being a guy, i don’t want to sound like like a whiny child but at this point i wish i was not born a boy, it just feels like i’m a tool for the old lazy bastards in the government. i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what i can do.

Thank you in advance for your suggestions. 🙏
Below is a list of most of the animes I have watched, checked out, or have on my list to check out. Apologies for overlapping and repeated anime names.
What I enjoyed:
Mob Psycho 100, Assassination Classroom, Fairy Tail , Naruto and Shiponden, Hunter x Hunter , Attack On Titan, One Piece, Mashle, My Hero Academia, The Daily Life of the Immortal King, Welcome to the Demon School Iruma Kun, Jujutsu Kaisen, Demon Slayer, That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime, One Punch Man, Chainsaw Man , So I'm a Spider, So What?, The Cautious Hero, Tsukimichi: Moonlit Fantasy , Arifureta:from commonplace to world's strongest, Ranking of kings, Kemono Jihen, Overlord, Eminence in shadow, Solo leveling,
Already checked out:
Blue Exorcist, Edens Zero, Dorohedoro, Black Clover, Spy x Family, Gu of Highschool, Mushoku Tensei: Jobless Reincarnation, Hell's Paradise, Reincarnation of the greatest assasin, The reincarnation of the strongest exorcist in another world, Wise Man's Grandchild , Seirei Gensuku spirit chronicles, Black Summoner , Dead Mount, Death Play, Wrong Way to use healing magic, Seirei Gwnsuko Spirit Chronicle, Sangrila Frontier, Reincarnated as a Sword, Apothecary Diaries, The witch and the beast, Skeleton Knight in Another World, Dororo, Tokyo Ghoul, Stein Gate, Fullmetal Alchemist and Brotherhood, Boruto, Twin star exorcist, Vermeil in Gold, Ningen Fushin, The misfit of the demon king academy, I'm standing on a million lives , Seven Deadly Sins, I don't want to get hurt so I will max out my defense, Is it wrong to pick up, Goblin slayer, Redo of healer, World Trigger, Log Horizon, Bastard, Re zero, Fate series, Ninja Kamui, Sand Land, Gintama, Black butler, Demon Sword Master of Ex Caliber, Devilman Crybaby, Cyberpunk, To your eternity, Returners Magic Spell, Bucchigiri, Zom 100, SHY, Faraway Paladin, Freiren, The greatest demon lord reborn as a typical nobody, Death note, Tomagachi game, Platinum end, Bahamut - Rage of Bahamut, Banished from the heroes party, The Disastrous Life of Saiki , The Rising of The Shield Hero, Soul Eater, Bleach, Haiyku, The Ancient Magus’ Bride, Dr. Stone, Sword art online, Shaman king, The saint's magic power is, Nura, In/spectra, Parasyte, Monster, Code Geaus , Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Black Lagoon , Gintama, Akame Ga Kill, The Rising Of The Shield Hero, Cowboy Bibop, The Strongest Sage With the Weakest Crest, Charlotte, Dgrey Man, Vinland Saga, The Executioner and Her Way of Life, My Isekai Life, Kill La Kill, Bungou stray dog, 8th son? Are you kidding me, The Saint's Magic Power is Omnipotent, Classroom of the elite , Demon Lord, Retry!, Magi, Terror and Resonance, PSYCHOPASS, Ninjala, Kawasaki Crisis, Noragami, Vivy florite Eye's song, The Promised Neverland - Inuyasha - Katekyo Hitman Reborn - Fate Series - Bleach - Hajime no Ippo - Erased - The Dungeon of Black Company - Tokyo Revengers - Food Wars - Chivelry of a failed knight - Drifters - Fulltime Magister - The kings's avatar - Hero Return - Beyond the boundary - The Legend of the Legendary Heroes - Death March to the Parallel World Rhapsody, Chrome Shelled Regios, Trigun abd stampede , Rurouni Kenshin, Golden Boy, Great Teacher Onizuka, Gokusen, Beelzebub, Haven't You Heard? I'm Sakamoto, Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear, Hellsing and Ultimate, No Game No Life, How To Not Summon A Demon Lord, The King's Avatar, I've Been Killing Slimes for 300 Years and Maxed Out My Level, Suppose a Kid from the Last Dungeon Boonies moved to a starter town?, High School Prodigies Have It Easy Even in Another World, Plunderer, Didn't I Say to Make My Abilities Average in the Next Life?!, The Genius Prince's Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt, Fruit of Evolution, By the Grace of the Gods, She Professed Herself Pupil of the Wise Man, Ascension of a bookworm
Will Check out Next:
loser ranger, pluto, metallic rouge, monsters 103, laid back camp, Unwanted Undead, Undead Unluck, Delicious in Dungeon, Brave Bang Braven, Vivid Strike, Loki, Black Lagoon, Sayonara Zetsuhou, Dark Gathering, Ragna Crimson, Helck, Villianess to Savior, bottom tier, chained soldier, demon prince momochi house, 7th time loop, villainess lvl 99, weakest tamer, psycho pass, kaiba, cassgarn sins, Paranio Agent, Toilet Bound, kingdom, blue lock, fire force, to your eternity, re monster, violet evergarden, infinite ryvius, ojamajo doremi, 86, grimm variation, farm related skills, campfire cooking, mobaroshi, darker than black, katsugeki, tales of zesteria x, garo, terror in resonance, vinland saga, 7th prince, sentai daishikkaku, tanya the evil, knights of sidonia, lycoris recoil, moribito, kaiju no 8, duke of death, vampire dormitory, wind breaker, instant death ability

So Alice did a mini Q&A on Tumblr today after Netflix dropped the teaser for S3. Tumblr is awful to try and navigate finding the Qs that go with the As, so I've just collected and posted them here. Spoilers ahead for S3, and Vol 4+5 of the comics!
how come you changed it from tank top to vest? lots of americans confused by vest 😅
because I thought about someone actually saying the phrase ‘tank top’ with a British accent and it sounded so weird and awkward in my mind, ‘vest’ was the more realistic word (at least for people from my region of England lol). Sometimes things that are written in the comic would actually sound quite awkward and odd if the cast said them out loud, so I change them!
Was that the full first scene or was it cut for the teaser?
it was cut for the teaser! The full scene is longer (and the billie song was just for the trailer!)
i’m in shock that billie let them debut a new song in it
ME TOO
are there any new photos added on charlie’s wall of him and nick together?
haha there are new photos in both rooms yes!
I’m so in love with the little trailer! My Question is: How did you feel, knowing you are dropping the trailer without anyone expecting something? 😄😍
i wished i could have teased it harder but because it was a collab (of sorts) with billie eilish’s team I didn’t want to do anything that might ruin it or not be what they wanted! 😅
I’m wondering if we’ll get a proper look at the new pictures in Charlie’s room at some point 🙇🏻‍♀️
of COURSE we shall
Not sure if you can answer this, and I could have a guess anyway, but is that trailer the complete moment or is the scene longer than that with more conversations that have been cut to make the trailer?
the scene is longer in the show, it had to be cut very short for the trailer!
was having tori's hair short from the get-go just for the sake of continuity or was there a.... deeper choice there..... i luv all the solitaire references in volume 4 sm so i'll take what i can get in the show hehe
so the thing about in-story haircuts in TV - they are a production nightmare. The show is filmed completely non-chronologically, so if Tori had long hair at the start, that would be a huge amount of extra work for the haimakeup department. It takes at least an hour to get an actor in or out of a wig. It just makes things very difficult and we always have an extremely hectic and tight schedule so we decided it’d be easier for her to just have short hair from the start!
I’m honestly so excited about s3. When you said that the ferris wheel scene was modified does that mean that the talk that Tori has with Charlie about her being asexual will that not be in s3?
yes that’s correct, I’m saving that story for S4 where I can build up to it much more effectively 🙏 you’ll see when you watch s3 that there just wasn’t the room to give that storyline the space it needs!
it was so amazing alice 😭 we cannot wait for more, we are all so beyond excited !!
one question : is there more to the opening scene, like will it have more dialogue between Tori & Charlie similar to the comics ? i assumed the opening scene was just cut that way to fit the 45 seconds teaser format and Billie Eilish's new song clip (HUGE congrats on tha btw oh my god ?? we were all so surprised and elated)
yayyyy I’m glad you enjoyed!! Yes that’s correct, the full scene is longer!
Have you considered filming season 2 and 3 one after another??
I could not have written the scripts in time, I barely managed to write the S2 scripts in time 😅
Of course we were all very excited!! Did this season feel different to make with the subject matter a bit darker and more mature? Can’t wait to see it!!!
yes definitely! Lots of new experiences and vibes on set. But I guess it’s an intense experience no matter what!
I know you already answered about the swearing but there's a debate on twitter rn so: will they say 'fuck', specifically?
yes 😂
ALICE IT WAS MAGICAL!! I CANNOT WAIT FOR PROMO TO START!!!
YAY same!!!!!
Not specifically about the trailer, but when you started writing season three did you already know by that point Olivia would not be available or did you have to do re-writes to take Sarah out of the story?
I knew it was a possibility but it wasn’t confirmed until very close to the shoot. I had to do some quite intense last minute rewrites 😅 but I’d already thought about what I’d do in that scenario so I was somewhat prepared!
The trailer was so lovely, it made my whole week! I love the brother-sister moments with Tori and Charlie; Joe and Jenny are so great together on screen. Will we get to see Tori and Nick interact more in this season?
a little yes! 💖
will there be a s3 music playlist on spotify?? or will the s3 music get added to the current playlist?? that would be amazing!!!💕🍂
I’m sure someone will make an s3 playlist!! Netflix control the Heartstopper Spotify playlists so it’ll be up to them!
do you feel like this season uses social media (inside the narrative) more or less than season 2? i love how important it was to the story for s2 and the way it was shown on screen - was there more or less present in s3?
difficult to say… there’s a fair bit of it for sure but maybe not as much as S2? Not sure tho!
why did you decide to change the line from tank top in the comics to vest ? did it just make more sense regionally that he would say vest ? (genuinely curious!)
indeed, ‘tank top’ just didn’t sound like something a British teen boy would say! Sometimes the things I write in the comic sound awkward when they’re spoken out loud by a real person 😂
Joe and Kit’s ability to make heart eyes is truly unparalleled. They deserve all the awards.
Could not be more excited for season 3!!!
One question that I’m sure you’ve answered but I’m not sure where - do you do the animations for the show? The “I love you” in the promo looked like a new style and I liked it a lot! Just curious. Thanks for everything 🥰
the animations are done by an animator named Anna Peronetto! She is brilliant!!
can you tell us anything about the artists that will be part of this season's soundtrack?
I’d say there are some heartstopper classics but also a bunch of new artists! Sorry to be vague, I don’t want to spoil 🥺
This is random and about season 1, but can you settle a debate about what exactly the snow was made of in the snow day scene? 🙃❄️
pretty sure it was a mix of foam and powder depending on what it was used for 🤔
Will the rating be higher? It is 12 usually but with season 3 being described with mature themes will it become a 15? Can't bwlieve we are in the season 3 era already!
I believe it depends on country and it’s not up to me, but the rating is likely to increase yes, mostly due to slightly more swearing, sex scenes, and mental health themes. I think it really edges the border between a 12 and a 15 in the UK so I’m really not sure how it’ll be rated!
Also, do you have a favorite episode yet? 👀
I love every episode of s3 truly, but I think ep 4 is something special and maybe the best heartstopper ep I’ve written across all three seasons!! Very proud of it 💖
seriously cannot describe how excited I am for s3 - when filming and editing scenes with michael and tori is it really strange to see them on screen when they were really the first two main characters you wrote about?? what was that like seeing them actually come to life? (also i am the self proclaimed most excited for michael to appear, cannot wait to see how darragh portrays him as he seems amazing!!)
so so strange!!! But wonderful! They’re my firstborns and it’s strange to see them here while also not really seeing the full story that we know they have. Darragh and Jenny are amazing and I can’t wait for you to see them together on screen 🥹 the first moment you see them together is SO special, it almost makes me cry every time
I know Jonathan bailey has said he reached out through a mutual friend about joining heartstopper. If you are able to answer, what came first; Jonathan bailey or jack/Henry Maddox? (Aka, was that character and scene always going to be included in the series? - i love that mini comic so much!)
Henry Maddox has been around for a couple of years now!! When Jonathan told us he wanted to be involved, me and Wren (who created Henry Maddox!) thought this would be the perfect role for him and a great opportunity for a more comedic sequence in the show (while also tying him into some of the themes of that specific ep… but now I’m getting too spoilery) ! (And obvs we had to change the name due to Henry the pug)
I'm curious about the scenes with Geoff. In the comics they're mostly mentioned instead of shown in detail. Will we get to see bits of Charlie's therapy sessions, or will they be shown in a sort of montage?
we will see some!
with the teaser clip saying coming October 3th does that mean the season won’t be spilt in two parts? 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
as far as I know, it won’t!
what was the confusing situation with ur insta stories from a few days ago 😭
So I thought the image was a deliberate tease from Netflix - turns out it was actually a mistake so I deleted my stories. Then they emailed to say I could leave up my stories if I wanted to, but I’d already deleted them 😅
Hey Alice, not a question but just wanted to apologise again for what I said about the spoilers the other week. I didn't think about the costumes and sets. I have felt bad about being so silly ever since! I was just hoping to try and help you feel a even a tiny bit better 💜 super super excited for S3! Heartstopper is one of my special interests and brings me a huge deal of comfort on tough days 🥰 it's a beautiful world you have created 🥹
omg please don’t feel bad, I wasn’t at all annoyed or mad at you!! You have nothing to worry about and you definitely did all make me feel a bit better after that happened 💖 Thank you for loving and supporting Heartstopper, it really means so much!! 💖💖💖

(TW talks of OCD, CPT, CS*, emotional ab, perv, dysph*) SFW, censored trigger words
Please delete if not allowed. This is my experience and I'm just ranting. I'll probably just delete this later if it stays up. I'm hoping that someone with similar feelings will comment their experience or something. Thank you.
I'm gonna start off by saying I'm a young female cashier and I look a little strange (piercings, androgynous, plus size, red hair) to people in my small town. I also have severe OCD.
When mothers and their kids come up to me to be checked out I feel the mothers staring daggers at me. It's not every mother. I've noticed that more alternative mothers seem to love talking to me and love for me to engage with their children for their social development. I don't have any children in my life and when I have a fulfilling interaction with a mother and her children it gives me a boost. All of a sudden I want to get pregnant and be a kindergarten teacher. That I'm not as creepy as some people lead me to believe.
When the overprotective mothers stare daggers it makes me feel like scum. Like I'm a gross and stupid cashier. I'm lower class. I'm too ugly and immature to get married and have kids. That I'm a creep. I'm scared to engage with their children and find myself ignoring the kids even though they obviously crave social interaction with strangers. I feel bad for the rest of the day for not waving back or not saying hello.
My exes mom was weird about her kids, too. I would go to their house to hang out with my ex and his younger brothers and sister would want me to go to their room and look at their new toys. They would beg me to spend time with them. I didn't see a problem or a boundary that would be crossing, except for the fact that it was 'bedtime' on a Friday or Saturday night. (They were adopted by my exes mom because they went through it.) I would go to their room and hang out around bedtime to play toys with them, sing songs, and tuck them in. The mom would come into the room and get passive aggressive with me telling me it was bedtime, and that im not allowed in their room. I was under the impression that I was going to be their sister-in-law one day. I loved this guy. When he broke up with me he told me that his mom thought I was a p******** and that he felt the same way. (He just wanted an excuse to break up with me and not feel bad for a**sing me.)
You should always listen to a mother's intuition, right? Well, I have severe OCD so I started hating myself.
When people have expectations for me I usually fulfill them. You become your thoughts and fears. When someone has the feeling that I'm a creep, I pick up on that and fulfill it unconsciously. I can't help it. I start to smile funny, I look at kids weird, i get nervous and sweaty, and i get intrusive thoughts. It makes me want to never have kids or even look at a child. I start to respect the imaginary boundary as if I'm a pert, but that lady probably thinks that everyone that isn't a 'normal' woman is a pert that wants to hurt her kids.
There's a regular customer that has a lot of kids and she's very friendly. I've known her for a long time being her cashier at multiple stores in this small town. I even watched her oldest grow up before my eyes. I don't think they remember me, though. Her youngest daughter will start doing tiktok dances while they wait in line and it makes me so nervous. I want to watch her dance because why not. Being a cashier isn't very exciting so when someone starts busting a move in your peripheral you'd want to see it. I feel like I have to force myself to not watch her dance because I feel that I would make me look creepy. It makes me nervous and sweaty and I want to run away. I feel like trash for the rest of the day. I really want to watch her and smile. I want to tell her "omg you are so good that you could be in a music video one day. You should go to dance classes.. etc". I am neurodivergent and usually when I say stuff like that and engage with people on a personable level I get strange looks, so I hold off and end up just staring and smiling, and probably looking creepy.
This isn't just a one-off thing. It happens frequently. One time a toddler made a fart noise at me and I said "excuse you" and giggled and the mother started coddling her child like I was scaring him instead of giggling along with me. I expected a "oh he found out he can make that noise and won't stop" kind of thing but no she instantly saw me as a threat.
I was always under the assumption that strangers also play a big role in a child's social development. Waving and saying hello. Asking about their day. If they have a toy with them ask them what the toys name is and all that. No matter what the stranger looks like, you should always respect them until they disrespect you. It's not nice to stare without saying hello... etc.
I've noticed it's mostly millennial moms that act like that. They act like everyone is a threat. They under-socialize their kids and it makes them turn to attention-seeking behaviors. My cousins are like this and when they bring their kids around they don't want me there. I'm kind of a black sheep in my extended family because I'm not a conventional woman. I want to talk and hang out with their kids and I want to babysit. I just want experience with kids.
I dont know if this has anything to do with it but the people that raised me are my then-hyperindependant mom who was never around, my alcoholic grandma, and my lesbian aunt. When my sister was a toddler I was becoming a teenager. My mom is emotionally unavailable so I didn't have that connection with my sister. I was afraid to hold her or hug or kiss her when she most needed it and I regret it so much. I feel that my mom was the same towards me at that age.
I have so much love in my heart that I come off as overbearing, and I cry over almost every positive interaction I have with other women. I feel like I can't be friends with mothers because I'm just not on the same wavelength. I fear that I am not childfree by choice because I am still so young, but due to my mental health I will be childfree forever, even if I want a child someday, due to my severe OCD.