Hello Evertonians! I am an FC Barcelona fan, based in Los Angeles, who works in Sports Finance. My neighbor and his wife, who are Evertonians, came over to chat and understand what’s up with the club. It's Saturday night here, and I didn't have anything better to do, so I dug into things.
I will try to simplify things from what I read and the conversations I have heard. I am not involved with the buyout but know folks who are. It's a much smaller industry where everyone knows everyone.
Here we go.
The Debt

• £159 million – MSP Sports Capital
• £225 million – Rights and Media Funding
• £4-5 million – Metro Bank
• £190 million – 777 Partners (Inherited by A Cap)
• £450 million – Moshiri Shareholder Loans

MSP Sports Capital has two distinct security arrangements:

• Assets of Everton Stadium Development Company Limited. This means that in default, MSP can acquire the new stadium to recover their loan. Slightly complicated to explain, but Andy Bell, George Downing, and Moshiri through Blue Sky Capital are also funders of this project.
• Alternatively, MSP has an option to acquire 50 per cent plus one share of Everton’s issued share capital, which would give MSP majority control over Everton Football Club.

Rights and Media Funding is a five-year rolling credit facility. Think of this as something similar to a credit card. Here is where you get conflicting information. A significant discrepancy in reporting, which in my opinion can be a dealbreaker. A few outlets report this loan is secured by future payments from transfers/media, etc. I likely believe it is secured against Everton’s bank accounts, fixed charges over Everton’s property portfolio (near Goodison Park), and a floating charge over all other unencumbered assets. (Shoutout to The Esk, he is an absolute gem). This RMF debt accrues a 10.25% interest.
These are the loans that Everton will have to pay regardless as they are secured well.
Loans to 777 Partners (Inherited by A Cap) are likely junior to these two loans. In any bankruptcy event, MSP and RMF get paid first before 777 Partners and Moshiri. However, A Cap says their loan is secured and they are senior creditors of the club, which would put them at the same level as MSP and RMF.
The Timing
Something that came up in the chatter was the timing of this takeover. It is interesting as Everton is due to receive prize money payments from the league which are stood at £133 million. This is the money the club receives from the overall competition commercial pool, which is distributed to all the teams, based on a few things, for example, their position in the league table at the end of the season.
Folks involved in financing other clubs have said this payment likely hits before 30th June. There is another payment due in August/September which is the first tranche of payments from the league. (Unsure on this one, but this is what I heard, payment flows vary a lot).
Despite the timing, the payments would go only so far in helping the club and were likely factored in during takeover talks. My bet is the takeover is likely to complete before 30th June, or at least a structure is agreed upon. 30th June is the deadline used for accessing Premier League Profit & Sustainability Rules (PSR) compliance.
If deals can be done before that “deadline”, they fall within transfers for the 2023/24 season and are included in the club’s financial accounts for last season, rather than moving into the new campaign. If the plan of the new owners is to recapitalize the team, pay down some debt, and sell players to avoid another PSR violation penalty, my bet is the deal gets done before June 30th.
The Sale
The Buyers As of today, June 8 11:00 pm PDT, here are the potential suitors:

• Andy Bell, George Downing, backed by BDT & MSD Partners (More on this later)
• A consortium led by MSP Sports Capital
• Vatche Manoukian and Investors from Gulf and USA
• John Textor, founder of Eagle Football, owns 45% of Crystal Palace
• Dan Friedkin, Owner of AS Roma

Hear rumblings of another group, but almost everyone is looking to finance the takeover using debt along with equity. Many suitors will be willing to provide debt-based financing for the purchase, hence allegiances are bound to change.
The Possibilities
Here are the things that can happen. I am simplifying this to the bare minimums. The actual deals are complicated af and take months to put up and months to complete.
Possibility I: New Owner comes in, pays all debt, and recapitalizes the team
Highly unlikely. The Premier League is a lucrative league for almost every single private equity investor. It’s the league that is expected to continue to grow and firms take less downside risk when buying a team versus a team in a league like Serie A.
However, this would cost any new owner over £1 billion. My bet it costs somewhere around £1.3 billion. Deals of this size happen, but Everton is in a unique position and negotiating from a position of weakness. In my opinion, only someone in the Middle East or a single buyer would be able to pull this through. No one in private equity would commit to this, as they are all answerable to their investors.
Simply put, Everton is not worth £1.3 billion.
Possibility II: New Owner comes in and negotiates with creditors
A likely option. In this case, a new owner comes in and negotiates with the creditors to either forego some of this debt or restructure it over an extremely long period of time at low rates. This would make Everton a more lucrative option. However, the club would still owe a lot of money over the long run and will be paying interest on that loan.
This would mean Everton is run like a lean machine for a few years, with fewer resources going towards things like player transfers, etc. It would, however, still be able to stay afloat.
Possibility III: MSP Capital exercise the option to take majority control of Everton
Another likely option. More likely than Possibility II. MSP Capital takes majority control and would, in all honesty, look to buy out Moshiri. They will need a lot of capital, and they are already pulling strings, putting up their stake in FC Augsburg for sale last week. MSP buy out Moshiri, restructure some of the debt, and put up some more capital. They would likely clear the RMF loan first.
The managing partner of MSP Sports Capital, Jeff Moorad, was a professor of mine in a class I took at UCLA. He is an absolute beast, and an amazing dude to hang with. Unbiased view, MSP is actually highly respected in the industry, and widely regarded as having a razor sharp approach to finance.
They are known to take long positions, but I think Everton would likely be a position they hold for the short term, IF they go alone on this deal. (This is my take, not Professor Moorad). It would be akin to what Elliott Investment Management did with AC Milan when their Chinese owners backed out. They would step in, stabilize the ship, hope the new stadium attracts enough new commercial and matchday revenue, and sell the team to another buyer recovering some of their investment. What Elliott did with AC Milan was absolutely legendary, and in no world would Gerry Cardinale and RedBird have bought AC Milan had Elliott not done its job.
INSIDE INFO HERE: I cannot reveal others in the MSP Sports Capital consortium. Texted a former colleague who is at the firm that are bidders with MSP. If the consortium is agreed upon, MSP comes in with others, who are capable of buying majority control, and running Everton over the long term. MSP in this case would still retain a minority stake. The new stadium holds the key to this deal.
Possibility IV: Everton goes into administration
Cannot rate this option or its likelihood. Let me walk you through this. Administration is a major taboo in the football world, but something extremely common in finance. It is a way for a firm to basically restructure its debt and get back to good health. It does not mean the club ceases to exist.
The preferred way that things are done is through a method called ‘company voluntary arrangement’ (CVA). In a CVA, a deal is put forth, which creditors vote on, usually giving them less money than they are owed, with voting power decided based on seniority. In this case, MSP and RMF would get more votes in the say versus A-Cap and Moshiri.
CVAs are extremely common in the EFL and other leagues, with advisory firms literally minting millions every year, doing nothing but advising teams here. In the Premier League, only Portsmouth has ever gone into administration. Going into administration would see 9 points being docked at the start of next season for Everton.
The Pros of this approach:

• Everton sheds a ton of debt. This would make it extremely attractive for someone to buy the club.
• The reduced debt will likely be restructured over the long run, hence a free-spending owner coming in can actually devote more money to things like rebuilding the squad, enhancing facilities, hiring more staffers, and growing the club.

The Cons:

• A ton of people likely get fired at Everton, as the club must break even.
• The club cannot spend any more money on signings. They may even sell players.
• Local businesses are affected the most, these are folks who provide things like catering services, produce, florists, etc.
• The Big Kahuna: Going into administration can trigger certain clauses in player contracts that allow them to leave for free. I have seen it happen with teams in the EFL, but the situation remains subjective. Any player with such a clause would need assurances from the new owners before the takeover is complete.

There are some speculations online as this being the preferred way in for new owners. I doubt it, but the threat of administration is enough for even the world’s biggest banks/financiers to come to the negotiating table. Every possible new owner would hold this gun over Moshiri’s head, to get him to agree to a deal, and forgo as much of his loans.
Some Questions I think are FAQs
Is Michael Dell buying Everton?
No, Michael Dell is not buying Everton. Michael Dell’s family office is DFO Management, which was formerly known as MSD Capital. MSD Capital was Michael Dell’s family office, meaning it exclusively invested his money. However, in 2009, MSD Capital opened up to outside investors and became an investment firm of its own. In 2023, MSD merged with BDT to create BDT+MSD, the firm that is backing the Bell and Downing bid.
They do still invest some of Dell’s money, and Dell may be their biggest investor, but as far as I know, BDT is huge itself, managing some of the capital from the Walton Family (Walmart), the Pritzkers, and the Mars Family. BDT’s founder, Byron Trott, is worth about $3.2 billion alone. Trott is considered a legend at Goldman, where he helped Buffett structure his investment in Goldman Sachs during the financial crisis of 2008. One of my ex-bosses worked at Goldman during this period under Trott’s team and considers him a legend, even saying he single-handedly saved Goldman Sachs by convincing Buffett to invest and structuring some wild deals.
One thing I know for sure is BDT+MSD would likely pursue a debt-based financing structure. They are not built to go heavy into equity-based financing for sports teams. BDT+MSD have already done a bunch of debt-based deals; Everton won’t be different. In the scenario where Bell and Downing succeed in taking over, Everton would likely owe a lot of money to BDT+MSD.
Would Bell and Downing with BDT+MSD make sense?
My take here is no. Running a football club is no joke. Even though Bell and Downing being Evertonians makes it ideal, I am not entirely convinced of their ability to run a team. Everton would still be severely constrained financially, as they would owe money to BDT+MSD, and Bell and Downing wouldn’t be able to pump a lot of cash into the business from their end.
There is nothing that guarantees Everton will not see the same scenario as it does now, three years after Bell and Downing take over. Private equity folks make sense, as they come in knowing they may know other clubs but don’t know much about Everton. They will, by default, bring on Evertonians on the board, and will have much more incentive to run it over the long term, as the only way they see a return is through actually growing the club economically, which only means a better Everton on and off the pitch.
Are BDT+MSD backing only Bell and Downing?
No, BDT+MSD are free to back anyone in the contention. They are committing to debt-based financing, so as long as the buyer is credible enough, they should have no problem going ahead. Considering they are backing Bell and Downing, I would be surprised if others in the race did not get better financing terms.
As I said, allegiances in debt-based financing are fluid. The hard truth here is BDT+MSD would likely be calling up other potential buyers who bid to see if BDT+MSD can provide financing for their deal. Debt-based financing for a Premier League club is pretty much a dream scenario for any firm, as the underlying asset securing the loan is more stable than in other deals.
Simply put, BDT+MSD are not competing with other potential buyers; they are competing with firms like JP Morgan, Sixth Street, Ares, Arctos, etc., who may want to front one of the buyers.
What’s up with A-Capital?
I do not know. Conflicting things online. I doubt A-Capital will get to invest anything more in Everton, through debt or through equity. I also read that their financial position is under question as the rating they rely on no longer reflects their financial standing. However, I still do not know what there position is.
Who do I want to see win the bid?
Biased towards MSP Sports Partners because of Jeff Moorad. If they pull the consortium through, and the other investors take over the majority club, all I can say is Everton would be lucky. That being said, there are plenty of other people willing to buy Everton with MSP. As of now, the one most likely, along with MSP, would be a dream scenario.
Also, it wont take time for someone entirely new to emerge as a suitor. That is how consortium works. People are surprised, but its literally like texting friends to pitch in and creating a group chat. Things happen over Telegram/Whatsapp/Signal. My boss had once raised $xxx million for a deal texting the LP in the deal. The conversation went along these lines.
Prospectus sent over Mail + WhatsApp
My Boss : What do you think?
LP : $xxx m 👍
LP : Jeff also $xx m and Jake $xx m 🤝🤝
I can bet there are plenty of group chats of potential consortiums that may enter bidding. Everton FC is low-key a bargain, the debt will eventually get restructured. There are plenty of more messy restructurings that have happened in Finance before. Creditors eventually cave, but its a dogfight.
Enough written. Feel free to drop any Qs you may have, I will answer them to the best of my ability and knowledge of Everton’s finances. Massive shout to The Esk. The guy seems incredibly passionate about Everton.
I really hope you guys pull through, I know you will.

Hi fellow EverAfters!
Wanna vote but don't have time to grind and watch ads?
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Just participate in our Donation Drive (PayPal/GCash/BPI) and let the voting team handle the rest! 😎
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Here is a list of on-going voting polls and their current status:

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- Grind on these first before anywhere else.

KGMA Trend of June: Kpop Group (Monthly Voting - June):

Deadline: June 16, 2024

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
Fancast	1st - 15,337 votes	2nd - 14,563 votes

We got the lead again! 😲
This is our power as regular voters! Inch-by-inch we move, but in aggregate, we have already reached a mile and passed them!
They may have a voting team that can drop 10k+ votes within a day, but we have a more dedicated and supportive fandom that can catch up to them in no time! 😎
However, let's not be overconfident. As I've mentioned before, our big contender this time has an organized and well-experienced voting team.
Their 10k+ vote drop is bound to happen again! Let's widen the gap even more, just like how we did last month!
Continue spreading the word and encourage all casual fans to download Fancast and participate in the voting! 📢
We may be a baby fandom right now, but we have already proven from time to time that we can also fight! We can win this! Vote now and win that trophy! 😡 🤳
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UPICK (Rookie Artist of June):

Deadline: June 20, 2024

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
UPICK	2nd - 1,893,825 votes	1st - 2,002,761 votes

Collect voting points, but DON'T use them yet until tomorrow❗️
There will be a Time Attack event tomorrow, 9pm-10pm KST. Any amount of voting votes used during that time will be paid back 100% the next day. Make sure to participate! 😊
We are currently on a 4-month winning streak for this award. 🔥
The first 4 months were Elisia, Gehlee, Yunha, and Seowon. (in order).
It's Nana's turn this month.

✌️ Other Voting Polls ✌️

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Stardom Rookie Idol (Female):

Deadline: June 9, 2024 (today, 11:59pm KST 📢) - The timing stated in the app is already adjusted based on the timezone of the user.

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
Stardom	1st - 8,019 votes	2nd - 7,988 votes

Today is the day!
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idoki Female Idol (June Ranking):

Deadline: June 30, 2024

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
idoki	1st - 367,220 votes	2nd - 313,371 votes

We have finally reclaimed the crown for Gehlee! 👑
However, the gap right now isn't that far and other birthday celebrants are expected to catch up again in the next coming days! Do not ever let your guards down! Protect the crown! ⚔️
The Birthday Cafe event for Gehlee's birthday on August will only proceed if she has the highest votes among all birthday celebrants, both male and female❗️
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My1pick Chart (May) - TREND (Female):

Deadline: June 10, 2024 (tomorrow 🫣)

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
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The reward for this one is an ad in Gangnam station for 3 days! 😲
Let's win this and help UNIS get more recognition from the locals! 🔥

June Rookie Stardom:

Deadline: June 14, 2024

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
PODOAL	2nd - 90,880 votes	1st - 82,580 votes

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THEKKING July Anniversary Ranking:

Deadline: June 19, 2024

App Name	Current Place	Opponent
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The reward for this is a 15 day subway ad! 😲
I think we have a chance here since the deadline is still far. So, vote here after grinding on UPICK and Fancast! 💪🏻
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Did I miss something?
If yes, please mention them in the comments so I can include them on my next update 👍. Thanks!

I (29F) am a university graduate. I am introverted and anxious around crowds and new people, so I don't even talk much. But, just like any normal university graduate, I know most of the past graduates as well as present undergraduate students in my university. They know I exist, and that's enough for me.
I also have my close set of friends, which includes seniors of mine (previous batches / older than me), my own batchmates, and juniors of mine (new batches / younger than me). I can count all of them with my hands. I talk to them frequently.
The story starts now~
One of the youngest close friends I have is a girl. Let's call her Lily (24F). Lily's batch went on their batch hike in her second year at the university (2022). It's a planned hike that all the batches of our university went in their second year. It's fun and one of the best experiences in our lives.
I gave Lily my university jersey to take with her for the hike. I also gave her a rain-cover for backpacks with the university logo. I just wanted her to have fun. I thought having something related to the university would make her feel happy and belonged in. Boost her morale or something like that. I do have a lot of university t-shirts but only one jersey and one rain-cover. So, those were two of my treasures.
Lily is very close to me so I didn't even hesitate to lend them to her. They went on the hike. Days passed and I didn't think of asking for my stuff as I thought Lily will return them to me someday. I had no problem with time. Because of a lot of things that happened in my life, I honestly forgot about it.
After a year, when the next batch was planning to go for the hike, I suddenly remembered my stuff. So, obviously, I asked for them from Lily. To my surprise, she asked whether I really wanted it back.
Lily started explaining how she wears the jersey to almost everywhere, how proud she is to own a jersey that was owned previously by me, a senior of the university, how she shows off the jersey to everyone because no one currently in the university has that exact jersey. She said she'll be very sad if she has to give it away.
Let me tell you a few things about that jersey. Please bear with me:

• I bought it when I was in my second year at university.
  
• It has the university name and logo on it obviously. It's not pretty, but it's unique.
  
• I bought it through a senior batch guy who is really very close to me, the only person in the university who helped me survive bullying during my first two years at the university. I still have trauma from that period (2016 - 2017), having nightmares of me getting bullied and waking up scared. He is important to me, so is this jersey. (I was one of the few in the batch who got bullied the most because I didn't speak much).
  
• It was a jersey printed by a sports club he was a member of.
  
• I wore the jersey to many events during my university time. Simply, it is connected to most of my university memories. It has sentimental value.
  
• No other club or society printed that jersey again. They all just printed two generic designs that has been there in the university for ages. The generic designs are owned by almost everyone. I didn't buy them.
  
• Only a few (around 50, maximum) in the entire university owns this design as far as I know of. None of them are current students of the university. I was proud owning that design myself.
  

I explained how important it is to me. She said it's more important to her then because it is important to me, and I still decided to lend it to her. Then, she said if it's so important she will return it to me although she is very sad and disappointed. She asked me to let her use it for a couple more months. I said ok, thank you very much for understanding. This was in 2023.
A year has passed now. She didn't return it. I want to tell this to my shrink but she thinks I'm selfish and I have a feeling she'll call me selfish again. Has any item filled with so many memories of yours being taken away by someone you love? What do you do in such situations? Let it go? How to let it go? I feel like crying. Any advice on how to move on please?
Also, AITA for asking for the jersey back and hurting Lily during the process? I feel like one.
Sorry about the long post. Thank you so much for your time if you decided to read it. It's also ok if no one wants to read it or answer. Hope everyone is having a nice day~

Back in my junior year of high school, I met this amazing person. We'll call her T. She had stuck with me throughout my worst moments and has saved me from taking my own life more than once. We had made a promise to each other. She had said, "If you promise to not k!ll yourself, I promise to never leave you." Fast forward a few months, and I had to move. I had gotten a new phone and reached out to T.
The gist of the message was "Hey, I know you probably won't respond because i moved, but I miss you and I'm wondering how you're doing." She responded with, "Looks like someone got a new phone." Yeah. So we started talking about our respective lives and how everything is going.
She offered something amazing with one stipulation. She said that this summer break, she'd come and visit. The stipulation was that I couldn't stop texting her, because she wanted to make sure I hadn't taken my own life. So, I obliged.
Fast forward a few weeks, and she suddenly stops responding. I start to overthink it, but I'm able to calm myself and say "Yeah, she's just busy." Well, a few more weeks pass and I'm basically clawing at my skin trying to hold myself back from blowing up her phone. (Keep in mind that once I get attached to somebody, I am REALLY attached
Well, I reach out to her again, and I basically just ask like, "Hey, what the fuck is going on." and I get no response. So, I wait another couple weeks and I finally snap. I send her a message saying that "I may not understand the full picture, however, I trust your judgement enough to know that there's probably a good reason you won't talk to me. So, I will leave you to silence. I won't cry and I won't be sad, I'll just think of you from time to time. And, I assure you, when I do, it'll only be the good memories."
Of course, give it two more days, and I have a breakdown even though I tried my absolute hardest not to do so. I send her another message saying that I'm void of my promise since she broke the one she made me. I was actually going to kill myself that night. I was gonna take my mom's gun and blow my brains out. But, the only thing that stopped me was that I could barely muster the courage for the first trigger pull, but there wasn't a bullet in the chamber, so I cocked it, made sure the hammer was pulled back and went for another, but I couldn't bring myself to do so, knowing I would absolutely wreak my baby sister and my brothers.
So, here I am now, on Reddit, making a post about it, in case I finally do gain the courage to finally end it all so that when they follow my digital footprints, they can see why I did it. The reason I say she wants me dead is because she knows full well how attached I get to people. She knows full well how attached I was to her. And yet, she left me, breaking her promise. So I think I should do the same.

I’m 21 years old going into my junior year of college. I met this girl my freshman year and we’ve been together since, although i’m not sure how it’s lasted this long. I’m home for summer currently across the country and she was planning to see me and has a flight and everything scheduled. Throughout the relationship she has gotten mad at me and started arguments with me over various things. Getting mad because I don’t want to talk on the phone every day, starts arguments because I say something that she somehow takes offense to, hanging out with friends instead of talking or being with her. Shes told me now multiple times that we are breaking up. Everytime she’ll text me the next morning telling me how she didn’t mean anything she said and she still wants to be with me. Recently, it has gotten to the point where I can’t deal with it anymore. I told her that we are done, the only issue is she already has a flight booked to come out here and refuses to cancel it. Idk what to do because if she does come either I’m going to be miserable or want to get back with her although I know it won’t work out in the long run. She tells me that if we break up she’s never going to find anyone because she knows that I’m the one she wants to be with her entire life. Keep in mind she’s 20 years old and is already set on me for whatever reason. Idek how she likes me with how much she gets upset at me and tells me I need to change. At some points I’ve felt like I’m crazy because of the way she tells me all these things but idk what to think. I didn’t wanna go into too much detail about our arguments but if you want to talk about it DM me and i’ll go into more detail.

Heyyyo,
I just want to share that earlier I was all good: chillin’ and making myself a little drink. Nothing fancy, just a chill Saturday night, ya'know? Everything was a-ok, but I suddenly felt like re-reading parts of our conversations from months ago. I don’t know why, honestly. I didn't even do it when you rejected me! And I was feeling ok! I think I was feeling ok? Yeah, I’m pretty confident that I was. I guess I was just curious. Curious of what? Stop pestering me, man, that's too many questions in a row, it bores the reader and I’m not entirely sure that I can provide an answer to that. Well… If I had to dig deep I'd say that I might have wanted some proof we had a connection and that it wasn’t surface-level, even if platonic. Or maybe I just wanted to see signs that I was truly delusional, back then. Or maybe, MAYBE, I was just bored and saw your account in my DMs since I never deleted our convo. In any case, it was a terrible idea. I had fun. I was chuckling at our banters and stupid memes. You’re hilarious, you know that? ...Why am I asking that? Of course you do. Without thinking, in my “I exhale through my nose because I’m laughing at a comment about a thing” moment, I almost sent you a message.
It's been a while and a bunch of shit happened, but dammit... I almost forgot we weren't talking anymore. I almost sent a message like a dumbass.
Oh god! Can you imagine?! Imagine just how embarrassing that would have been for me. For you too! You’d think I’m crazy for suuure. If I actually sent it I’d crawl under my bed, try to permanently live under it and call myself a “fucking idiot” out loud repeatedly (until I get too itchy and have to get out anyway because I’m stupid allergic to my own cat.) No! Better yet, I’d fake my death and go to my own funeral with an unrecognizable face and a brand new name like Angèle-Marie-Camille or Jean-André-Pascal. Yes! That would be the perfect plan, and of course, I’d force people to call me Junior over there to make it all more believable that I'm not me by adding more depth to my new life's background or whatever.
Yup. I’m glad I’m not crazy and stopped myself from sending it before I regret it. Changing my identity would have been a pain. Too much effort. Anyway dude, I'm not gonna lie: I just wanted you to lose the game.
Take care.

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^{Last Update: 10:00:02-09/06 IST}

I’ve been trying to forget my Ex after we split up around 2 months ago but this has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. For context: we dated for 2.5 years and we did everything together. We were also basically each others first everything. We began dating senior year of highschool and now are going into our junior year of college together. We also lived together in an apartment for a year as SHE was the one that insisted on it while I wanted to live with my friends. We ended up getting the apartment together but slowly and surely started to face problems and small disagreements. It first started with me not doing enough around the apartment, which I did not think was true as my parents always instilled in me to treat our relationship as 50/50 give and take and I truly tried to respect her and not take advantage of her. Often times I would wake up an hour earlier than her to make her breakfast and also shower and get ready so she could sleep in and take her time getting ready without having to make herself breakfast. I also would usually end up making us dinner around 3-4 nights a week and was usually the one who would wash the dishes and clear our apartment, bathroom, and make the bed each day. My parents also payed for all of our groceries all year and I would drive us to school 95% of the time. After around 5 months and her bringing up probably once a month how somehow I was not doing my part, I decided I had enough and stood up for myself. This ended in a huge argument and I told her I was done being in a relationship with her and she stormed off. For some odd reason even against my sisters advice which I usually always go to, I ended up buying her chocolates and flowers and apologized for our argument and agreed I would help more. After this argument things were going great, or so it seemed for the spring semester of us living together, although i feel at this point I was doing about 75% of the cooking and she stopped helping even more around the apartment. I was exhausted physically and mentally and could barely keep up with my school work while she was able to do whatever she needed, while always making me feel bad about “needing to do my part”. However I was happy that we weren’t arguing and it seemed we were getting along better then ever. She even expressed how much she was grateful for me and being one of her only support systems and that she wouldn’t be able to survive college without me and that she was looking forward to living together again about a week before we broke up. The night we broke up all started because I simply asked her if she could put a fucking microwaveable pizza in the oven for us as I had been studying for 8 hours for an exam I had the next day and was mentally and physically exhausted (while giving her a back massage!) She then blew up on me and told me that I didn’t respect her and her time and that I was trying to take advantage of her somehow. Without trying to argue I just simply got up made the pizza for us myself and did all the dishes. After I ate and she finished what she was doing, she came over and tried to act like nothing happened but never apologized to me. I did not allow this and simply got up and went to my friends apartment. I came back around 2 hours later and it was almost 12 o clock. I noticed she was in the shower so I turned off all the lights and decided to go to sleep. When she got out of the shower she turned on the lamp and started to read a book. I was not having this and simply got up and turned off the lamp so I could sleep. She again got mad at me and said “I’m not doing this shit tonight”. So I literally slept on the floor with just a sleeping bag and my pillow giving her the entire bed to herself. The next day I got up super early to give us both space and also so I could study for my exam while still leaving her the parking pass so she could park her own car without having to worry about getting a ticket. When I got home after my exam my full intention was to just move on so we didn’t have to argue. However she was waiting for me and decided it was time to break up. Of course I begged and pleaded for her not to and promise I would change and even give even more of my attention to her while she basically said she didn’t have fun with me anymore and didn’t see a future with me. After this I decided to give up and just see out the last month of us living together and then go our seperate ways once summer started and our lease ended. However the next day when I got home from school she started crying and telling me how she thought she might of made a mistake breaking up with me and even wanted to look for an apartment together, however I was strong and suggested it was probably the best if we just moved on. Throughout the next month of having to live together, (where at first I was totally prepared to never speak to her again) we seemingly became closer again and started talking and spending time together. I did set boundaries however and stated I would not pay for her groceries or cook for her anymore. Soon however we were back to cuddling at night and going on dates together “just as friends” and eventually ended up having sex a few times (I originally tried to shut us down having sex but eventually gave in as it was too good) she would go on to tell me she still wanted to give it a try next semester with us living separate and promised me she would still want to go on dates and be with me. Even on my last day while moving out she was bawling her eyes out trying to get ever last bit of kisses and cuddles possible before I left and even said that I shouldn’t be sad as she knows she’ll be back with me again. She also suggested we take a class together next semester and of course I agreed. I suggested we go no contact for the summer to give ourselves both a chance to heal and decide what we really wanted and we agreed. Since then however she has deleted almost every photo of us on Instagram except for two and potentially has followed a couple of guys (I’m not certain as I’m trying not to stalk her IG too much and am not going to go through every person she follows. Her brother also unfollowed me and everything even though I thought we were friends. I explain all of this to my sister and she thinks my ex is a bitch and I should just move on with my life and she’s most likely trying to keep me around as a back up option if her next relationship fails or if she just wants attention. My other person I talk to however thinks I should give her a chance when we go back to college in the fall since I did agree to take the class with her and am bound to run into her again if she is willing to make the necessary changes herself. However I am so conflicted to what I should do as it seems like she’s trying to move on from me and appear single on all of her social media. I don’t want to appear needy and have been strong with not contacting her as it’s been 30 days and I intend on keeping that up. I can’t tell if everything she told me after we broke up is true as I really want to believe it is, and every day am fighting the urge to txt her. I need an unbiased outsiders opinion on this matter as I have no idea what to do anymore. The only thing saving me is my sister from texting her. I know only time will tell and eventually we will have to see eachother again and the ball is totally in her court, however I truly am confused about the whole situation and how she acted after we broke up. Any advice?

I 31(amab) met my ex 31f in high School. We started dating in our junior year but her family moved to another state on her senior year. We held strong and when we were 18 she moved in with me and my family. We were together for around 10 years. It's been over 6 years and I'm still a shell. She cheated on me for at least the last 4 years of the relationship, I had known but was to cowardly to admit it and confront her. She eventually found out I knew and said we need to take a break but continued to string me along for the next couple years. It only ended when her AP now SO got mad at her cause I would pick her up from work and drive her home. I was used and abandoned, never given closure. I've been in therapy but recently lost job and insurance and can't afford to see therapist now. I thought I had been healing but I recently broke down and realized I still love her. Why can't I hate her, I have every right to but I can't. I know it's not my fault but at same time all I see are my own flaws. I don't know what to do, and worst part is my self conclusion thoughts are back. I feel so broken right now.

Ok. So, I’ve been a Top Chef fan since S2. Didn’t find out about S1 until S2, so I had to watch that season after the fact years ago.
I decided to start a rewatch of S1 last night to bring me back to the roots of it, and give me a reality check of my thoughts for this season.
I’ve added spoilers because not everyone has watched S1, and if you haven’t, I do recommend. I’m streaming it on Peacock.
I have a few thoughts:

1. The host was horrible. She knows it and actively says it wasn’t the right fit and she doesn’t even know why they hired her from what I’ve read today. Padma and Kristen were/are the right hosts for Top Chef, no doubt in my mind. Side comment: Stop complaining about Kristen! 🤗 I’ve been happy with her and I think she’s the perfect choice. I was stoked when she was chosen -#Team Kristen.
   
2. I forgot how many TC contestants were villains. So I guess I need to just bite my tongue with Laura.
   
3. I miss Tom so much in the kitchen. I love his LCK but I want to see him more in TC kitchen during the elimination challenges. Him tasting, talking, questioning…come back Tom!
   
4. Bring back challenges like “make monk fish taste good” to kids. I miss these types of challenges. Also, the taste test for S1 was awesome! This season’s I felt was easy. Out of 20 ingredients for S1, the winning chef only guessed 4.
   
5. I’m glad the judges during the QFs don’t give real time feedback anymore that allows the later contestants to adjust how they present their food.
   
6. Make the contestants work a!line in a michelin restaurant. The first episode where the chefs’ QF is to be observed by Chef Keller at Fleur de Lys (sadly closed a DECADE + ago, god I’m getting old) was awesome.
   
7. Looking at the plates served in S1 were mindblowingly bad ! I can’t believe it. Most looked like home cooked meals.
   
8. Speaking of home-cooked meals, the microwave junior league of women challenge was great.
   
9. Gail. The one and only. That is all.
   
10. Prizes: I forgot about the “brand new kitchen” plus the $100k. Glad they got rid of that. Just takes away more cash from them for taxes.
    

Ok, I’m starting Episode 7 and I didn’t want to comment on the last episodes because I know who wins.
Side shoutout: I miss the drum and bass musical clips.

For some clarification the photos have thankfully been taken down because I am a minor and was even younger when the photos were taken. Also this happened a bit ago and I’m not really talking to the people involved anymore. Also this is really long so bear with me 💀 and TW for sa, abuse, sh, and plenty of other stuff. Please don’t read if you’re already in a bad headspace. Take care of yourself fist <3
For some background context i didn’t have a great childhood and at 13 got involved with some not so great people. They were all quite a bit older then me and would frequently abuse me both sexually, mentally, and physically in the form of having me take a lot of different substances usually all at once. It’s not something I talk about unless directly asked about it so most people don’t know about it or all the details.
In 8th grade I met a girl who I’ll call P. P and I had met before but lost contact during lockdown. She was really nice to me and we quickly became friends. She would “fake” flirt with me a lot which I thought was normal for friends. It was nice being around someone who wasn’t constantly trying to sleep with me so I got pretty attached to her. On the last day of school she asked me to kiss her and I did. Apparently just one kiss meant we were dating. I didn’t realize that we were in a relationship until like two weeks later because she had never actually talked to me about it. I only realized it when she asked if my mom knew we were dating yet. I didn’t want to upset them and risk losing my only friend so I just kinda went with it. I was able to get away from the older teens who had been abusing me and I let P know that some not great stuff had happened to me but they never knew the specifics.
Our relationship continued another two years and I never really was able to make any more actual friends. I felt bad if I left P alone because they also didn’t have anyone. Over time whenever we were together they were usually on their phone role playing with people on discord and wouldn’t really even acknowledge I was there. There discord chats were usually sexual in nature but I knew about it and had technically said I was fine with it. Also we had discussed that our relationship was basically open including online. I had opportunities to sleep with someone during our relationship but never did because it just didn’t feel right. P and I had never been fully with each other physically but had done some stuff. They said they were asexual and because I knew what it felt like to be guilt tripped into being intimate I would never even so much as ask to be intimate.
Then at the end of our softmore year we both became friends with a girl who I’ll call R. R seemed nice at first and I enjoyed having someone who would actually respond to my text because P usually wouldn’t. Soon R and I became pretty close but I never saw her as anything more than a friend. She would frequently wake me up at night to vent and I had to talk her down from self deleting more than once. It made me really exhausted and ruined my mental and partially my physical health to. But she would often talk about how all of her friends in the past would leave her and i genuinely did care about her and didn’t want her to be alone so i kept pushing myself for her. Not too long before the start of our junior year R texted me on discord that she had made me something. I asked what it was and she started acting kinda odd but eventually sent me a picture of it.
It was a piece of paper that had lots of hearts and stuff on it like “A+R forever”. That’s our initials. It was all very messily painted on in red. I was obviously taking a bit back by it and looking at the photo made my stomach hurt for some reason. There were scissors in the photo but no cuts in the paper so I asked about it. Eventually she admitted that she had used the scissors to get blood from herself to write with. That was the red “paint” she had used on the paper. I didn’t know what to do and called P because y’know they were my gf and the hearts and stuff had obvious implications. I was also hoping for some comfort since I would often comfort them when something happened in their life. All I got was “well that sucks but you can date her too if you want”. I didn’t want to date R but was genuinely scared of what they would do if I outright rejected her. So I told her that i wasn’t mad but I was concerned and asked her to talk in person.
She came over and i tried to convince her to get mental help from a professional. She insisted that it was fine and that it wouldn’t help her anyway. She started to get kinda touchy and I was still worried about how she would react if I said no to her advances. We contacted P again because I did tell R that i wouldn’t breakup with P to be with her. Also I was hoping that P would tell her no or something. I’ll admit I was an absolute coward during this. I didn’t know how to advocate for myself and let things go further than I was actually comfortable with. P just said something along the lines of “have fun” and without any actual reason other than that I just didn’t want to I let her do what she wanted. She stayed the night and kept me up for most of it. I my best to act like I was into it just like I had done before with the older teens who would guilt me into it. She kept wanting to go another round because I hadn’t finished. Im not biologically male so I was able fake one and she believed it.
After that I was now in a polygamist relationship with P and R. R did a lot of stuff ranging from “jokingly” threatening mine and loved one’s life’s to screaming at me because i wouldn’t let her put cameras in my room. She was very possessive and would often accuse me of cheating on her and P. There was once that someone had tried to convince me to sleep with her but I said no and immediately told R and P about it. When school started she would often start something between or would act weird with other classmates. She would have me let her examine my skin and scalp for anything she could pick at or pop. It made me uncomfortable but I still didn’t say anything. I definitely should have communicated better but was scared that anything would set her off. The entire time this was happening P knew and was often present but didn’t say anything. Soon R and P decided to date too. I mentioned to P a few times that some of the stuff R did made me uncomfortable but they didn’t seem to care and would just change the subject.
Towards the end of the first trimester R and I got into an argument over text because she kept “jokingly” saying that she wanted to kill my mom because my mom said she couldn’t come over. I’m so grateful for my mom for not letting R come over unsupervised. I don’t know what she would have done if she had been allowed over and left completely alone with me. For the first time i actually stood up for myself and told R that I was really tired because it was pretty late at the time and that I would talk to her at school in the morning. After that i turned off my phone and went to sleep.
The next morning i wake up and see that i have a TON of notifications from R. I check and she’s ranting about finding stuff on Reddit. She called me a whore and said that I was trying to hookup with ped0s. I check my Reddit account which I hadn’t even been on in a while and there were post with nude pictures of me that I don’t even remember posting. I took them down of course. They were indeed pictures of me but I didn’t have them anywhere on my phone nor do I remember posting them. I was really confused and hurt by what she had said to me so I tried to text her and ask wtf was going on but she had blocked me. I went to school hoping to talk and figure out wtf was happening.
I saw P and told her what happened and she texted R. R told her that she was taking a mental health day because of what I had done. P was as usual pretty indifferent despite how upset I was. R later told P that I had been messaging adult men and trying to meet with them. I told P my side and they said that I probably didn’t remember making the post because I was high or something. I still cared about R and managed to convince myself that maybe somehow I did make the post and just forgot. The next day R did come back to school and had cut there hair down to there shoulders. Their hair was always really long and they had always said that they would be devastated if it ever got cut. I was pretty upset and on the verge of breaking down all day because i thought that R cut it because of me.
I made it through first period but when I was just about to head into my second period R walked by. It was odd because my class wasn’t on the way to R’s second period. I broke down and left a bit into second period. I texted P say that I was going home because I was literally hyperventilating and sobbing in class. In the message I mentioned that the stuff R was saying to me made me feel Ike i wasn’t deserving to even be with them. They took this as me breaking up with her over text even though it wasn’t my intent but I guess could have maybe been interpreted that way? My mom picked me up and I told her that I’d tell her what was happening once I was actually able to breathe properly.
She let me go upstairs and cry for a while before I eventually told her everything that had happened. She said that IF I had posted the pictures that it was not ok but that how R and P were treating me was definitely not justified. She told me to block them and to call my therapist. She said that i didn’t have to go to school for a bit. I hadn’t told her everything R had done but just the stuff that had happened in the last few days.
When I did get back to school P and I talked they said that we were over but that they were still gonna be with R. I was confused and didn’t understand but they continued to be very hostile towards me. I still cared a lot about them and just felt really betrayed that after everything they just kinda kicked me to the curb. P said that they were willing to still be friends. I asked if they still wanted me to sit next to them in the classes we had together and she said that she didn’t care. I sat next to them but they glared at me the whole time and just general acted pissed off so I moved to a different table towards the back of the room and just kinda cried. The teacher checked up on me but I said I was fine. I said I just didn’t want to talk about it and he accepted that but still checked in on me. After that we just did talk like at all.
Someone who I had sat next to during lit n comp notice that i looked like well… a mess. He and i weren’t close or anything but we kinda knew each others. I said that P and I broke up and they immediately pulled me out of the class with them and into a room our school had called the ssc. It was kinda for neurodivergent kids and just generally for decompressing if students got overwhelmed with something. We talked in there and in my distress I just kinda let it all spill. They seemed really pissed but not at me. He was pissed at R and P. He held me and comforted me through the rest of the day. I’ll call him E
E was coincidentally good friends with some people I was sorta friends with in middle school. They basically adopted me into there group and came together to comfort me as well as keep an eye on my throughout the school day in case R and P tried to say anything to me. They didn’t trust them and after showing them all the threats and messages R had sent me most of them told me to report it to the school and potentially get a restraining order. They mentioned that a lot of the stuff R AND P were doing to me was textbook abuse.
P would often bite me and when I asked them to stop she would just say that it was their way of “showing affection”. Most of the time there biting would be really painful and I would practically beg them to stop because it hurting me. There were usually at least bruises from it. R had also had me cut myself because it “turned them on”. They would both “jokingly jab me specifically in my ribs even though I said that it hurt and that i didn’t find it funny just painful.
One day after 5th period R roughly grabbed my arm and dragged me outside. P just stood and watched. R told me that they cut themselves because of me and that i need to get another therapist. She said that I needed to fix myself. She yelled at me a lot and because of stuff from my childhood i started to cry just from her raising her voice. I didn’t know what to say to I apologized and said that I’ll do better. After she stoped yelling P asked if i wanted a hug. I was honestly disgusted at the thought of them touching me and that fact that they said and did nothing that whole time. I said no and admittedly said it in a very harsh tone. I went inside and one of my friends (B) immediately rushed up to me and asked if I was ok. He had seen R grab me but couldn’t find where she had pulled me to. I said I was fine physically and he had me go with him and tell our other friends what happened. They were all pretty pissed and again told me to report it.
At the time i didn’t want P or R to get in any trouble so i didn’t say or do anything. I just wanted to be drama free for a bit and forget about everything. I fell behind in my school work but managed to just barely pass. Eventually after lots of convincing from my mom, friends, and therapist I did compile a list as well as screen shots of messages as proof and reported it to the school. I asked them to not anything to P and R if they could because I still cared about them and didn’t want to cause more trouble. Me and the principal agreed that it would all be put on record but that nothing would come of anything unless something were to happen in the future. I was urged to get at least a restraining order since R had threatened mine and many other people lives including my pets over text. I do not have a restraining order
Even though everyone tells me that i wasn’t in the wrong I still worry that maybe somehow I might be. Maybe everyone was just biased because they knew me first. I do feel gross and used in a way but I don’t know… I don’t want to believe that these people who I loved and cared for so much are actually as cruel as it seems. I’m kinda hoping that I was the one in the wrong. They’re not very nice to anyone including each other but they can’t actually be bad people right? It wasn’t a lot but there were at least a few good memories. It’s my fault for not communicating enough or something right? Please tell me that ITAH. They’re still good people somehow.

Hello reddit, I was seeking any additional tips to receive an accounting internship. I have applied to numerous amounts of internships and although many haven’t gotten back to me, some that did decided not to call me up for an interview. I have a 3.2 GPA and just finished my junior year as I am about to get my undergrad in accounting. I don’t have any work experience other than being a tutor at my school, volunteer at a library, and Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA) this year. I have also been in 2 clubs (one called accounting society, which I am currently in & the other called association of business students). I have no previous internships and have been struggling tryna get my foot in the door. I’m approaching my senior year and any tips/instruction’s will help as I am going to network my ass off this year. Please let me know or PM me !!!

I know it must be annoying seeing another one of these posts, but quiets recently I’m coming back around to the idea of being in the Air Force, but didn’t have this mindset freshman year, so it has brought down my GPA. This post is going to sound very naive. For the record, I don’t consider myself competitive at all, but I don’t know if it’s too late to make myself a good candidate in the chance of me being accepted.
Here are some statistics:
Grade: Upcoming Junior (CO 2026)
GPA: 4.060 (UW)
SAT: (Haven’t Taken)
ACT: (Haven’t Taken)
Sports: Varsity Swim + Club Swim
Leadership: Swim Mentor, FCA Group Leader
Volunteer: 100+ Hours
Clubs: Beta Club, FBLA, FCA
Now, I know by hearing this I am not competitive in the slightest, however these next two years I am taking numerous more AP courses (I have already taken 2), as well as attempting to raise my leadership roles throughout my community. I have ideas on what I need to do to make myself more of an individual the academy will accept.
If I can’t get accepted, what are some alternative routes I can take to possibly get accepted in the future?
Thanks!

Excuse the length, it's a lot.
My ex and I dated for 11 months. We started dating last January when we met on Tinder. He was super cute, experienced, and quickly became the most interesting part of my life. We only really fought about one thing and that was his lack of communication during breaks, like Spring break and Summer break. He lives 2 hours away from campus too, so whenever he visited family I just chalked it up to him being busy and stuff, but it got really annoying during the longer breaks. Summer we even almost broke up because it was like pulling teeth trying to get him to text me more than twice a day, let alone a weekly phone call.
Anyway, Fall semester comes and we’re golden, literally the perfect relationship I’ve ever had and I’m in love. That is, until Thanksgiving break, and the story gets convoluted from there.
He goes on his trip and I’m expecting the same ol’ radio silence. I’m like whatever, it’s fine, I know what to expect, I’m not bothered. Until he posts on instagram a “Happy Birthday” post about his high schooler sister, in which he includes a bunch of stuff from over the years of them together. One photo, the last one, is clearly taken from their Thanksgiving dinner with family and it's cropped to only be him and his little sister standing together and smiling. I can see, wrapped around his bicep, a young and pretty woman’s hand who has red, done up nails and it’s looking a little too-intimate for any family member. It’s cropped so all I see is her hand on his bicep, and I’m petty so I screenshot the post, circle the hand, and text it to him like “who’s that?” He tells me “My aunt.” And I totally call bullshit. But, like I said, I’m petty. So I play the waiting game.
He gets back and he sleeps in my dorm (my roommate had mono for a month so he practically lived with me for privacy from roommates lol). I wanted to get into his phone but didn’t know the password, but I prepared for this. I did a little research and found out that Android’s Face ID thing is able to be opened up with pictures of them sometimes, so I hold up a picture of him from my phone in front of the camera and it works. I end up finding out that Tinder is still on his phone, I look and BAM. He’s still chatting up other girls. I even look through his snapchat and find some of the names there lining up with the girls he’s talking to on Tinder and they have snap scores of UP TO 100 DAYS??? HOW. I wake him up right there, at 3am, and kick him out. I get my girlfriends to come with me to his apartment to exchange our things and block his ass, done and done.
Only… it isn’t done. Apparently one of my friends forgot to unfollow him on instagram and his next post is during Winter break where he POSTS AN ENGAGEMENT POST?! My friend obviously saw this, sent it to our group chat, and all my friends and I are freaking out. This guy didn’t even tag the girl either… So my friends go detective mode, find her, and it’s up to me to be like “hey girlie…”
Only… this girl… BLOCKED ME. Admittedly, I might be dumb. I sent the message “Hey girlie, I used to date [his name] and wanted to let you know” and I totally didn’t realize how unhelpful that is. A couple of my friends tried messaging her too to be like “your fiance is cheating on you” but she told them to stop harassing her and blocked them too. It genuinely sucked not being able to help the girl out, but all my friends and I decided like “we tried, she can figure it out the hard way.”
Fast forward to February. I’ve been on Tinder for awhile and have been wanting to get a date for Valentine’s season, so I’m working overtime trying to find someone who fits my standards, and lo and beyond I FIND HIM. He’s got a whole new profile from the one I saw last year and I asked my undercover friend who is still following him on instagram to see he STILL has the engagement post up. This man is a chronic serial cheater.
I’m like fuming at this point, totally feeling vengeful and bored with nothing else to do. So, I use my friend’s phone who doesn’t have a Tinder profile, and we create one together to catfish him. We even facetune my face and literally make his dream girl. I know he’s into platinum blonde girls with brown eyes, so we edit me with those features. We even make the profile catered to him, mentioning his favorite game using those Tinder prompts like “My biggest turn on is… The Death’s Poker in Elden Ring” (we thought this was really funny). We even put our favorite song as his favorite song too, trying to make us his perfect match.
After a couple days, my friend and I are hanging out and swiping on the catfishing profile until we see him. We swipe and MATCH.
Over the next couple of hangouts my friend and I are getting the rest of our group chat of 3 other girls to help us write the perfect messages. We’re acting cute and flirty, his perfect little dream girl.
The goal is to get evidence of his cheating and proof it's actually him texting because we’re all lowkey scared if we bring this up to his fiance she’s going to accuse us of harassing her again and making up this profile. So, after a couple girls nights of torturing his man on Tinder he asks to move to snap. I use my phone for this and make a new snap, my girlfriends and I are pre-making facetuned photos of me at my friend’s house so he doesn’t recognize the background of my dorm. At some point we ask him to send a snap of himself too, and he does like half of his face. I save it and text him like “Soooo cute” and he’s like “Not as cute as you”, and I screenshot the exchange. Snapchat alerts him and he starts being like “Why did you do that??” and I tell him “It’s a sweet message I wanna keep” and he’s like “you can just save the message to the chat… you don’t need to ss.” Which is very sus and tells us he’s guilty.
Anyway, I’m going on and on. Basically, my girlfriends and I continue texting him to drag him along. Eventually we kinda think we have enough evidence, but then one of my friends is like “what if we make him break up with his fiance for you and then you dump him?” At the time, to be fair, I’m with all my overly excited friends and they’re all like “yeah!!!” so I feel pressured to agree. It definitely feels weird, but I’m ngl I enjoy the extra drama in my life sometimes, as shitty as that is to say.
From mid February to all the way where he graduates, we’re texting pretty often. I try to keep an emotional distance so everything I tell him about myself are lies, avoiding any half truths. Eventually my girlfriends get kinda bored and move on to other things, but I’m stuck behind making the plan see an end. It gets a little intense eventually, I won’t lie, and a couple times I had to fake sickness to avoid whenever he’d ask me out on dates. It’s not really a fulfilling affair, tbh, so I think the only reason why he liked this catfishing profile is because it said everything he wanted to hear. Anyway, eventually he starts transitioning into being SUPER lovey dovey and he’s literally saying I’m his dream girl. Duh. And, literally, two weeks ago he confessed everything to me.
Guys, I invited all my girlfriends over the moment I got the text and totally cried in their arms over what he told me. This entire time, since Junior year of high school, he’s had a long term girlfriend. She goes to a local university in his hometown, so they only see each other when he visits, but he stopped loving her after meeting me. He left out the part where they’re engaged, but he told me he’s gonna break up with her once he moves out of his apartment and moves back home. He’s hoping to see me before he does though, and wants to make a plan for me to visit him over the summer.
I am absolutely heartbroken in the most selfish way. I really feel for his fiance as he’s definitely had over probably 20 affairs while being in college away from her and she has no idea, or at least chooses to ignore it. On top of this, finding out our previous relationship was a lie hurts me. He told me he loved me and we spent so many days of the week together, but thinking back he totally had other dates too. This is seriously crazy. And I feel crazy for contributing to his cheating streak knowingly. I didn’t think it would get this far to be honest, and the fact he’s willing to break up with this poor girl over a fake one he still hasn’t met is psycho.
When he told me, my friends helped me type up a message that boils down to “Wow, that’s a lot. I need some time to process this information.” and we’ve since been ignoring all his messages on snap.
Another aspect is that, while this has been happening, I’ve also been actually dating people and did meet this one guy I really like. It’s getting weird now living this double life. This guy and I are getting closer and I realized I feel ashamed at the thought of telling him what I’ve done, so I’ve been reflecting.
Ultimately, as lowkey guilty as I feel, I do believe he deserves it on some level. The fiance doesn’t, but deserves better. I’m breaking up a couple, but with good reason.
How do I get out of this situation? I’m so stuck.
TLDR: I posed as my cheating ex’s dreamgirl to break up him and his fiance, but things feel too intense. How do I get out of this situation? .

Start off by saying I am extremely junior with gardening! I want to get into it but admittedly I’m very impatient and I’m really starting from zero knowledge
I moved into a home that has a small greenhouse in the back yard and at first I was really excited about this. But here’s the problems 1) I live in Canada and it gets very cold here in the winter 2) it also gets very hot in the summer where I am 3) there is no temperature control in the green house and parts of it are open in the roof under the overhangs
Basically what I’ve found is I can’t even really get to it in the winter to water anything I might be trying to keep safe in the winter and I worry watering it will freeze it anyway. And it’s far too hot for most things to survive in the summer. I tried last year and everything pretty much nearly died after 1 day in there.
It’s also build very strange with a walk way down the center which seems like a decent idea until you realize that the space between the walkway and the wall is so minimal. Like I’m talking less than a foot wide and to bend down and take care of anything is kind of difficult in the space without sitting back on something behind you. It’s also overrun with morning glory and weeds(which I cleaned out last year and this year but obviously they keep coming back)
I’ve cleaned it out but I’m at a loss for what I’d want to keep in there. I considered using it as a nursery for seedlings but the temp outside is too weird here. Like 3 days ago it was a complete storm with the craziest wind and rain and hail and only 5 degrees Celsius and the next day it was up to 21degrees Celsius. So by the time it’s warm enough to put seedlings in there, it’s almost getting too hot inside it.
Basically I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to utilize the greenhouse or if this is not well thought through and I’m better off taking it down for more garden bed space?

I dont know who will read this, but i just have to get this off my chest.
TL:DR at bottom
A bit of a backstory: I am 19 right now. 11 days from 20. During my life, i have had it all. The best family behind me anyone could ever ask for. They raised me well, gave me all the support and love humanly possible.
I grew up in an eastern european smalltown, been always above average, and slightly autistic at least, lets admit it. The typical gifted white suburban kid syndrome: never ever ran into problems during my life, everything seemd straight forward, always knew what i shold do with my life. During my blunder years, i have developed some pretty bad traits: a never had to struggle in my life for anything. Every single thing was handed to me on a silver plate. I really am just the luckiest person alive: always done well mentally, academically, and socially. Read the book once before when the teacher said put away your books, aced every exam still, after elementary(8 years here), got accepted to one of the best middle school of my country.
Experienced all the perks of middle school and the freedom of doing whatever the fuck you want during the stupidest years of your life, 15-19. And i did. Of course, procrastinating and not giving a fuck have not lifted me above average as in elementary, but i was still in the middle of the group. Again: everything others sweated blood for, handed to me on a silver plate. Straight goals in my life, stable personality, many friends, altough i still had my innocent nerdy kid persona, which was challenged majorly during the primal environment of a middle school coeducated dorm, but was never particularly bullied, countless friends and family, support and appreciation for who i was, altough i was just being as stupid as a middleschooler is.
Then covid came, and it somehow turned everything around. Not so many friends, no such concrete stable confidence, still being a lazy fucker who somehow lucked his way through everything. also during this time, i kinda started falling off, got into weed, not jsut alcohol, started going out and socialising less, falling off, but i had a great time, thinking about those times fondly, altough not so dearly. Rocked my way through the end exams of middle school with some last minute studying, i mean i absolutely still pulled from my little finger what others couldn't with teeth, tears and blood: got accepted into university as a dentist, still feeling like i am the top of the word.
During the last true summer break of my life, i started doing food delivery. 11:30am till 22-23:00 pm sometimes. During this time, the penjamin really took off in my country, weed being illegal but alternatives, such as Hexahidrocannabinol (HHC) being legal, available in a pen, just like an Elfbar: no neet to sneak out, to talk with the plug(some of you know arranging a meeting with those fuckers isnt as easy as it seems at all lmao), just getting high while laying in my bed. During this time, my weed addiction spiralled out of control, i got high every single night, this being my "well deserved downtime": just existing in my own little world in my bed, for 2 months. Those 4 years really did turned my personality to someone who isn't fit for a course that puts "Dr." in front of your name, this wil be important later.
Before the university, there is a social event hosted for us juniors called "junior camp", where you really are supposed to meet new people, and lay the basis of your entire uvicersity social life. And i took the penjamin(like 4th one in 2 months) with me. Now for those of you who dont know, weed can be a nice social drug, taken with moderation. If you get "schwasted, wake n baked" every day, the devils lettuce really puts you into your own world. No ambitions, no will to progress, just existing in your own little world, being fine as fuck with things as it is. Still had the best memory of my life though: being high as fuck in a water park they organised for us, literally youngsters in their prime, like 1500 of us, just being ourselves in the biggest pool party of the country. What i spent it doing: weed and cigarette breaks, taking slides, which literally felt like descending to hell, and walking around, aimlessly, not giving a fuck about the 1,5k people who came here to meet me and socialise, barely communicating with them, floating in my own world. This, and watching tje closing firework while being high are the best memories of my life until this day, guys if you can, take water slides and watch fireworks while being high, its definitely worth it.
And then came the first oath to myself that I've broken since then: that i will do a conversion of Paul, really focusing on the most important thing in my life: becoming a dentist, which is, besides helping people, is a ticket on first class to upper middle class, for someone from a bloodline of the poorest eastern european easants you can imagine. It takes 4 generations to break out of poverty, and i am the 4th. All the blood and sweat of my ancestors who worked their asses out, slaving away for the communist, them capitalist system, only for their kids to someday, amybe havve the chance i do hae right, now, and I am currently fucking up.
Now for those of you who dont know, university really is the most liberal form of education on the planet: you finally get your own timetable, the only mandatory attendance being the "practices", which you could just get through without putting anything on the table, and the lectures where they actually teach you university shit, not having a mandatory attendance, so who gives a fuck?
This gets us to the University: the first 2 weeks, i was being the typical student: al the lectures, learning from day to day, putting myself there in possibly the most alien environment i have ever been during my life. And turns out, i wasn't ready for the maturity and devotion a serious practice like dentistry takes. Man, i will literally be healing other people, everyones been to the dentist, and to get there, standing above your open mouth: Thats not something what is handed on a silver plate. No matter how smart, gifted, or special you think you are: this will only be achieved with tooth and nails. And i wasn't ready, not the slightest.
This is the point where i really started descending to the level of a fast food worker(no offence, which i was too): the first 3 months can be described with one word: Weed. no studying at all, just smoking that shit, feeling the buzz, it got to the point where i couldnt fall asleep without being hihg. Quite literally, i couldn'T imagine laying in bed, just...laying. IN november, i had it all came down on me, had a small breakdown, took the second oath i have broken: that i will change. This was the 11th of November, 2023
I cut back on weed, started attending lectures, realised that i have no fucking idea what the fuck are they talking about, so whats the point of attending? 3 more weks, sometimes begging to 5-6 different plugs, just to get my dose. Then came the so-called "exam period": where they excpt you to account for what you have "learned" during the "period of diligence". Of course, you can ace all your exams in literally 2 weeks, but for me, i was at diggind the foundation, while others were building the roof, already.
3rd oath: i will put my best, really gonna study my ass off for this one, having no plans whatsoever, just getting through somehow, like i always did. I think this is the time where i have made the first real steps towards maturity: admitting my parents that i havent done shit, and the chance of failure is around 90%. They gave me the encouragement i needed, realy got back on track, and pulled my first half year. So much so, that i got a study scholarship: 13k HUF, 36 USD/month, lower middle class scholarship, but still, that meant im in the top 10 percent of students. Yet again, by partying all yer, doing everything in the last moments.
4th oath: after these few weeks of hell, i will really put myself there, study as the year goes along, being ready and up-to*date with everything. Like the adult i am
For 1 week, this really worked out. studies for hours every day, being with my "new friends": fellow dental students, whom i had a really good start with, but now, arent really close pals. They have had a complete change, a real 180 in their life: being out in a new environment, gangs and friend groups really started forming, and i was there sometimes, having a blast with them, but you know: not really a part of the gang, just the chill, stoner, pretty stupid streets dude, never being up to date, never really giving a serious fuck about them, still smoking weed and drinking with my old middleschool friends. They naturally started inviting me less and less, and slowly fell into the group of a workplace friend, who you really dont just meet after work, you know. Now this might just be my insecurity speaking, i literally have a 2 week vacation fixated with them to the beaches of Croatia, but yeah, just a chill dude whos around sometimes, not *the gang*
And then came the wrost 6 weeks of my life. During my all afternoon studying sessions, i started noticing a slight tingling in my legs and feet, and my visual snow, which ive always had for some degree, starting putting itself into second gear. I even jokingly told one of my friends who happened to study with me: "Man, i might have gotten some real nerve damage from all the weed and fake penjamins, a-ha-ha".
During the next few days, hell unfolded: imagine the worst kind of buzzing, not the gentle weed buzzingm but a genuinely alarming one, an impending sense of doom, and pretty serious unvellness: during an anatomy lecture about the cranial nerves. Figured a snus might help: stuffed a Killa cold mint(european snus is generally stronger than Zyn, this particular one being 4times as strong as the stongrst Zyn, and its still pretty mid in eastern europe lmao). Hell broke loose. If you are familiar with trip reports, i have went trhough something very similar to a bad trip, almost had to run out of the lecture, in front of the teacher and 60 of my classmates beceuse i genuinely thought im gonna die. Went out after surbibing the lecture, ambling around for 2 hours, walking to a pharmacy 45 minutes away and back, speaking with my parents, being in a complete panic which just made things worse.
This went on for a week, then i got to the doctor. The anatomy practice was always the low point: the best teacher of the institute explaining how a human body works, and i was shaking in a corner, not falling into the deepest panic attack i have ever had was taking up all my energy. Drumming with my leg,s counting the tiles on the floor again and again, not paying attention about some of the most important words ever said to me in my life. Went to the doctor that friday finally, and got good words that i am really studying anatomy, i must have known that the innervation of the top of the limbs and and the feet are completely different, so my CNS works just fine, but im describing the most common symptoms of stress induced anxiety. Also told him about my ever worsening visual snow: imagine those old TV-s who had no signal, and displayed what we called "ant football". That is my life, especially when i look at the sky, which was a thing i admired dearly: The giant cloud, not abstructed by any mountain, flowing, and ever changing, still are the most beautiful thing for me, compared with the mind.blowing sunsets we have here, in the great plains. Being robbed of that put me even deeper. The 75mg pregabalin i got described, once a day and night, havent done anything at all. INstead, they amplified my brain fog, the tingling and buzzling, and the feeling of looming dread. I havent known this at the time, so sometimes i took my daily two before the anatomy sessions, which made them truly like hell. Having to walk out multiple times in a span of 1,5 hours of the lesson, just to simply breathe. If someone closed the door of the dissecting room, all hell broke loose, i couldn't breathe. I was bumping into people on the way there and back, being so disoriented due to basically being drugged. Talked about my mother about this, she went through literally the same hell, while attempting university, just like his brother, my Godfather, who was a border guard during the East-German refugee crysis, having to shoot live munition centimeters in front of the feet of pregnant women during the fall of the iron courtain. And this was a true and horrific mental breakdown, a literal *Idegösszeomlás*, akai burnout
So long story short: missed the most crucial 8 weeks of the semester, where we were told in the beginning: if you miss a week, you are done for. The last parts of the period of diligence were spent studying like hell, with my symptoms greatly improvving: attended parties with the dentist gang, smoked weed again, and just laid the foundations for the period of exams, actually studying like hell, like i always wanted to, AND I STILL ACED IT, but with the looming over me the sword of damocles.
Now thinking back, i could've made it. I really cold have. I still can. I completed every single subject i could in the diligence period, cell biology being the hardest, I barely passed that subject with a "2", basically a B-, this will be very important later. The last exam date is at the 7th of july, but with 6 weeks for only the anatomy, and basically the chemistry of 5 years, thats should be enough, eh? Yeaahh, yet another broken oath, spent a week doing nothing, weed, youtube, and old friends, while everyone leraned their asses off. Started learning too, and i took it seriously. But any students, you know how it is:

alarm set at 7:30 am.
10 minutes of snooze, every single day, the next time i wake up more rested than i should have been after 10 minutes, i check the clock, 8:50AM.
Awesome, get out of bed and shower. Check the time again: 11AM.
Cool, the whole day ahead of me. Just a siiiingle youtube video, while i pass the morning fatigue and the rapid morning hearthbeat of 5 years of chainsmoking, yet another amazing dedication of my life.
Then its 12AM, time to dinner! Post dinner fatigue is exactly a 30min video, 12:30PM, imma begin studying.
Next time i look at the clok, its 14:27. I really lock in until 6pm, then my parents cone home. I talk with them for what feels like 20-25 minutes.
Look at the clock again. 20:21PM. How the fuck did the whole fucking day passed again? i truly lock in for the rest of the day
23:35, i can't anymore. Starting to watch trash streams on youtube, braincells dying every second
Time spent with studying: 2-3 hours.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Then i got the worst news i have ever gotten
Decided to check into the E-uni managament system of my country. "You have an offered grade, you can accept it *here*. Click link. "you can't accept, you have an exam applification of this subject". So this was the first semester where they made the application to the different exams at different dates open at March instead of the end of May, so students can "pre-plan their whole semester", the backstory of this is some uni drama equal in lenght of this post *hungarian text-* (Akinek esetleg volt dolga a Debreceni Egyetem Anatómiai-, Szövet-, és Fejlődéstani intézetével, az pontosan tudja miről beszélek lmao, a többiek úgysem értenék, H***igeci),
So, remember about my offered grade about cell biology? Wel, you have to accept it, because it LITERALLY MEANS THEY OFFERED IT AND YOU CAN DECLINE IT, this is stragiht up ez shit, of course who was the hero, who forgot to do this 5 seconds thing? My pretty faced self. All the while having an exam booked for the 28th of may, which obviously had passed, and i jsut realized this now, because the university e-administration site, which you should check every day for like 10 times, havent been opened by me for a month. And in my country, no matter what grade you get offered, if you take an exam and dont attend, thats automatically a failure overwriting literally any grade you had before. And i really put in the work. Really did got the offered grade, which means 55% on 2 intersemester exams, which both of them are hell. And all undone because im too fucking lazy and stupid to open a fucking website. Because i havent declined the offered grade, and this is the first year they implemented the early exam booking, i still have hope that the email i have written towards Students affairs will have an effect, and i will be able to accept the offered grade. We are talking about a subject where if you do have to take the exam, there is a 90% failure rate. 90. fucking. percent. I have 1 month to learn the Central Nervous System(at least i know that mostly by now), and the complete human body as it is from the shoulders upwards, embriology, histology of the semester, and 1 ENTIRE YEAR of university level chenistry. Im fucked already as it is, cell biology by itself would take 3 weeks of no life learning JUST TO HAVE A CHANCE, which i have completed, and willingly, and ignorantly have thrown away.
What happens if i fail? Well, the state pays 12 active and 3 passive semester. The course is 10 semesters, so i can passivate and then retry, and still have a chance like this once more, before falling out of State Sponsored Scholarship. A semester is 1,3 million HUF, 5 months on minimum wage if you dont eat, sleep, and save 100%. PER SEMESTER. So the world wont collapse, buti would lose everyone i met during university, dropping to a class of strangers, being the failed kid, so laying the path from the best kinda uni life to the worst, in terms of connections and social life. My family knows about my mental health, even my conserative KGB grandparents are very supportive, but i wouldn't be able to stand the shame myseelf.
Had an eye watering hours long convo with a genuine friend about my life, and that made me realise im still aint shit, things reall have to change. this is why im typing this, mainly for my own self. As the first page of a diary im planning on starting, to never forget the feeling of being in the literal bottom right now. I dont except anyone to read this, idk why im even posting this, i dont even except any advice, but ofc if you have made it this far, thank you for dwelving into the life of a hungarian smalltown trash, hope you can learn
Not gonna reread this fucking yapping, sry for the typos and language, english isn't my first one
So this was it guys, my Magnum Opus of literature, the biggest yapping session of my life so far. Still spent 1,5 hours typing this even on my pc, instead of studdying, on 1,5mg alprazolam(xanax benzo), about to smoke a jo. Yet another broken oath
TL:DR: Failed to mature up for a hardcore branch of university, and a silly mistake will destroy my entire semester, and im still not studying, typing this

I started out super excited about my upcoming journey at UC Irvine. I’m a junior level transfer, and I was super thrilled. Today I went back for my second visit, and in a certain way my heart sank. I realized that everyone I did see had their own groups, and I realized that going into this I have no idea how to make friends. It’s hard to even find a roommate that isn’t an incoming freshman. I’m getting exceptionally nervous about making friends, and I was just curious on how y’all made friends?

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me in summer of 2022, so 2 years ago now. We dated on and off from junior year of high school through sophomore year of college before she broke up with me for good and started dating someone else shortly after. She was my first love and the girl of my dreams, so naturally I was devastated and I still don’t know the right steps to take.
I am still dead set on her as the girl that I want to be with long-term. She is so sweet and funny and also so smart and hard-working. She is both career and family oriented and has values + goals in life that are similar to mine and I know she’s going to be so successful; with me or without me. She is so beautiful to the point where it always felt like such a flex to be seen being with her, I knew she could literally have any guy in the world, so knowing I was the one she chose to love just felt so cool and gave me a boost. Lastly, and most importantly, her presence gave me so much peace. She is so loving and nurturing that being around her made me feel so safe. I deal with a lot of anxiety and sometimes my mind is so loud and chaotic, but she just made everything feel at ease when she loved me.
It’s important to note that I had a lot to do with the breakup, she truly didn’t ask for much and I let her down multiple times. I won’t go to far into detail but I eroded her trust in me overtime because of things such as who I followed on social media, posts I was liking, etc. She had asked me several times to change and expressed how it made her feel and I continued to mess up so I know I have no right to be mad at her for moving on and trying to find someone that will give her the same peace that she gave me.
Even though I wasn’t the best boyfriend at times, I think she still knows that I have a good heart and really care about her and love her. We texted pretty rarely throughout the breakup, maybe once a month on average just to say hi and I saw her a couple times, everything just friendly and nothing more. Of course, knowing she was going home to someone else and that I still had feelings for her that were now completely one-sided was certainly not ideal for my mental health but I refused to block her or cut off contact, I genuinely do care about her on a deeper level than just a relationship and want to always remain in her life even if it’s not on my exact terms.
She recently became single again and we’ve started to talk more frequently and she’s expressed she wants to be in each other’s lives and we have plans to hang out this summer. She’s made it clear though that right now she just needs a real friend and I respect that. I don’t want to be the guy just playing the long game hiding behind a friendship, but it feels like that’s what I’m doing as I’m naturally hoping I can win her back and get another chance with her.
The last week has been pretty hard for me. I was able to see her a couple times throughout the week, and she of course seems to get prettier by the day and seeing her still gives me that rush/butterflies feeling but it makes me feel alive. It is crazy that I can feel so comfortable and so nervous around her at the same time. I had such a good time with her as always. It is when I go home that I can’t control my anxiety and insecurities when it comes to her. constantly checking for a text, while being afraid to text her first because I don’t want to look desperate or overwhelm her or push her away. Or I start creating scenarios in my head about who she is texting instead of me and getting myself upset. Seeing her always feels so great in the moment but then when Im alone it feels like my mental state determines on when I hear from her or see her again, and I know if she knew that it would scare her away which is the last thing I want.
She knows how I feel about her, I’ve poured my heart out to her several times and she knows the ball is in her court and that if she ever wants to open the door for me again I’ll be there when she’s ready, and until then I’m always there for her as a friend. Does this decrease my value since she knows I’ll just wait for her? People close to me tell me I’m throwing away my self respect but personally I’m willing to swallow a bit of pride for the girl I love. I guess I just needed to vent or to see if anyone has ever been through anything similar and could share advice with me?

I (20F) feel ashamed about not having friends. I have a boyfriend, but no friends. I used to have a friend group but after some time I realized how toxic they were. So now they’re gone and a weight was lifted from my shoulders. But now, I feel sad/envious seeing other friend groups.
I have a friend group from junior high but they’re off to school and busy a lot so we don’t get together really. I want to make more friends but I’m so closed off after dealing with the toxic friend group. I’m still trying to heal from the trauma I have from them. As a result, I’m super picky about girls I want to hang out with.
There’s one girl I really enjoy and I feel so comfortable around her. But she never seems to want to hang out with me. She always talks about how we should do things together and then we don’t. I was excited for her to come back for summer break so maybe we could finally get that smoke session in or brunch together. No. I watch her hang out with her other friends. But I’m the friend that’s just worth a virtual friendship. And it stings opening her stories.
We were talking about a particular place and how I was going with my bf as a date. I mistakenly thought she was asking what place it was because she was interested in going with me. I told her we should go and she quickly corrected herself by saying she wanted to go with her bf. Okay, that’s fair, but it still hurt.
On top of that, I spoke so highly about her to my bf. How we would be good friends because we have things in common and how cool I thought she was. It’s kind of embarrassing and maybe I just let myself get carried away because she’s someone I really click with finally. But she confuses me because she texts me a lot and opens up to me a little. So it makes me think we’re actual friends…

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me in summer of 2022, so 2 years ago now. We dated on and off from junior year of high school through sophomore year of college before she broke up with me for good and started dating someone else shortly after. She was my first love and the girl of my dreams, so naturally I was devastated and I still don’t know the right steps to take.
I am still dead set on her as the girl that I want to be with long-term. She is so sweet and funny and also so smart and hard-working. She is both career and family oriented and has values + goals in life that are similar to mine and I know she’s going to be so successful; with me or without me. She is so beautiful to the point where it always felt like such a flex to be seen being with her, I knew she could literally have any guy in the world, so knowing I was the one she chose to love just felt so cool and gave me a boost. Lastly, and most importantly, her presence gave me so much peace. She is so loving and nurturing that being around her made me feel so safe. I deal with a lot of anxiety and sometimes my mind is so loud and chaotic, but she just made everything feel at ease when she loved me.
It’s important to note that I had a lot to do with the breakup, she truly didn’t ask for much and I let her down multiple times. I won’t go to far into detail but I eroded her trust in me overtime because of things such as who I followed on social media, posts I was liking, etc. She had asked me several times to change and expressed how it made her feel and I continued to mess up so I know I have no right to be mad at her for moving on and trying to find someone that will give her the same peace that she gave me.
Even though I wasn’t the best boyfriend at times, I think she still knows that I have a good heart and really care about her and love her. We texted pretty rarely throughout the breakup, maybe once a month on average just to say hi and I saw her a couple times, everything just friendly and nothing more. Of course, knowing she was going home to someone else and that I still had feelings for her that were now completely one-sided was certainly not ideal for my mental health but I refused to block her or cut off contact, I genuinely do care about her on a deeper level than just a relationship and want to always remain in her life even if it’s not on my exact terms.
She recently became single again and we’ve started to talk more frequently and she’s expressed she wants to be in each other’s lives and we have plans to hang out this summer. She’s made it clear though that right now she just needs a real friend and I respect that. I don’t want to be the guy just playing the long game hiding behind a friendship, but it feels like that’s what I’m doing as I’m naturally hoping I can win her back and get another chance with her.
The last week has been pretty hard for me. I was able to see her a couple times throughout the week, and she of course seems to get prettier by the day and seeing her still gives me that rush/butterflies feeling but it makes me feel alive. It is crazy that I can feel so comfortable and so nervous around her at the same time. I had such a good time with her as always. It is when I go home that I can’t control my anxiety and insecurities when it comes to her. constantly checking for a text, while being afraid to text her first because I don’t want to look desperate or overwhelm her or push her away. Or I start creating scenarios in my head about who she is texting instead of me and getting myself upset. Seeing her always feels so great in the moment but then when Im alone it feels like my mental state determines on when I hear from her or see her again, and I know if she knew that it would scare her away which is the last thing I want.
She knows how I feel about her, I’ve poured my heart out to her several times and she knows the ball is in her court and that if she ever wants to open the door for me again I’ll be there when she’s ready, and until then I’m always there for her as a friend. Does this decrease my value since she knows I’ll just wait for her? People close to me tell me I’m throwing away my self respect but personally I’m willing to swallow a bit of pride for the girl I love. I guess I just needed to vent or to see if anyone has ever been through anything similar and could share advice with me?