I don’t even know where to begin. I feel a little guilt posting in MIL from hell because she could be worse. I just need advice in dealing with someone who is the polar opposite of me personality wise. I’m super introverted. I didn’t want a big wedding and instead had a little courthouse wedding and we bought our first home instead of spending on a wedding. My parents wouldn’t have been able to pay for a wedding anyways but she was upset and said she would have helped. She always wanted a daughter and had 3 boys. When I married her son she offered to help me decorate my new house which I politely declined and had my husbands full support. he doesn’t like his moms taste either. She has a lot of friends and is super extroverted. She told everyone that I was pregnant as soon as we told her. My husband was upset because he wanted to tell some family and she beat him to it. I expected it knowing her. Recently I went on a family trip, I took my parents, and husband. We met up with my uncle, cousins and their husbands. Well we got back from trip and I felt her a little off with me. She’s offended that she wasn’t invited. Here’s the deal, I paid for the airbnb where my husband and I stayed with my parents. I took my car and paid for the gas. We mostly cooked at the Airbnb but when we did go out to eat a couple times my parents and I paid for our meals. My MIL expects to be invited on our family trips but never contributes and she expects her son to pay for her and my FIL. There’s this cultural difference in parenting styles and mentality where it’s like she had her kids to take care of her in old age and my parents don’t want to be a burden and never took the money I earned where as my husbands parents did up until he was old enough to move out. I feel like saying something but don’t want to stir anything. I want her to understand that my parents live half of the year out of the country they leave next month and won’t be back until winter so I wanted to spend time with my parents and extended family that I don’t get to see all the time. I see my MIL more often than my own mom. Her entitlement really bothers me. She’s jealous of the time my husband spends with my family when they are here and I have heard comments that she feels her son chooses me over her. I tell my husband to visit his mom. She did this not me. My family loves him and he likes to spend time with them. They’ve adopted him and he’s a little traumatized by his parents so he feels obligated to visit them but only tolerates them for a bit and then is ready to leave. My mom spoils him, cooks for him and my dad treats him like another son. I think he gets the affection he always craved from my parents. Anyone have a MIL like mine and how do you deal with her? Sometimes I feel like I’m the problem I’m not the DIL she wanted. She would have loved one that’s as extroverted as her, likes parties and talking on the phone and includes everybody in everything. But that’s not me.

Daughter is starting at an OP facility. She is a tiny thing and I am curious (cause I’m a worried mom) if someone can refresh my memory in height a weight minimum for driving the OP.
Is it 5’2” and 130lbs? Am I making that up?
Her first job out of HS and I gotta chill my worries.
Amazon has been hard to catch when they’re hiring because the positions fill so quickly. There were 11 open shifts this morning, now there are 3. We want to get her in the door for the career benefits, then have her transfer to a AR FC as soon as she can.
Thanks everyone ❤️

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/notofamily posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 21st March 2021
Update - 20th April 2021
​
AITA for respecting my late wife’s wishes about keeping her family out?
​
My wife unfortunately passed away last year when our daughter was only 3 months old. It was very difficult to get through but my little girl and I are keeping it together.
My daughter is 16 months now and there’s been pressure from my wife’s sister to let her side of the family see my daughter.
The issue is my wife had absolutely no contact with her family since she was 18, so 16 years of not seeing them. Her home life was something she never wanted to talk about.
It always made her upset so I never pushed her to tell me. All I know is they were manipulative and abusive in some form. She left as soon as she was 18, changed her last name and never spoke to them again.
4 years ago she got into contact with her older sister and she’s the only person my wife allowed into our lives. By that I mean we met through video chat but never actually in person.
We still maintained contact after my wife passed and we met a couple times before and during my wife’s funeral. My sister-in-law called me a few weeks ago. She mentioned her parents would really like to meet their granddaughter and want to start over.
They didn’t attend my wife’s funeral because they knew she wouldn’t want them to be there.
One thing my wife always made clear is that she did not want them near our daughter. Ever.
Telling my SIL this...well she got very upset. She said it’s been years and yes her parents were awful people (again won’t say exactly what they did) but losing their daughter has made them reflect on things. And they want to meet my daughter since my wife never gave them that chance.
She’s still trying to convince me and so far I’ve said no. Each time I just feel more and more bad for denying them but it’s what my wife wanted.
Her parents found my Facebook (pretty sure SIL might’ve told them) and I’ve gotten dozens of messages begging me to let my daughter know her moms side of the family. And I shouldn’t keep her from knowing her grandparents for past mistakes.
None of them will leave me alone and SIL has said a few times that I may be grieving losing a wife but to have some empathy for them losing a child. Because right now I’m being “too heartless” for denying them the chance to meet the only piece of my wife they have left.
I’m at my wits end with this because I’m not sure if I am being an asshole or not. I don’t know the whole reason why my wife never wanted to see them again. Even if I did though, I’d still like to honor her wish.
The way they are being however, makes it hard not to wonder if I am?
​
Comments
​
birdiepet
NTA

All I know is they were manipulative and abusive in some form.

The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior

None of them will leave me alone
I’m at my wits end with this because I’m not sure if I am being an asshole or not.

You're getting a glimpse of their manipulative tactics

One thing my wife always made clear is that she did not want them near our daughter. Ever.

Honor her wish.
​
Big_Fans_Comedy
If the family really didn’t attend the funeral to “respect her wishes”, I’m sure they’d do the same here. Don’t let them near your daughter ever, OP
​
pugluv91
NTA. Do not let them have anything to do with your daughter. The last thing you want is to allow them to have a relationship with your daughter and then after a while you see exactly why your wife didn't want anything to do with them, because depending where you live if they have an established relationship with your daughter they can go for grandparents rights, as of right now they have no grounds. Cut the sil off to she's just giving you a taste of how toxic the rest of your wife's family are. Protect your child.

OOP: Thank you for the advice. With everything on my plate it’s just been so overwhelming and now this whole situation. I want to be able to honor my wife’s wishes. Whatever the reason was that made her cut all contact with them

​
Permit-Extreme-117
And do not believe the parents crap that they are grieving the loss of their child. They abused her and lost her completely 16 years ago. They deserve nothing.
The fact neither your wife or her sister can even indicate in even a vague or more generalised way the abuse that occurred, means it was truly horrendous.
Tell your SIL this is a permanent and hard no, and if she cannot accept and respect that fully (which means providing no information to her parents), then she cannot have contact with your child either. You need to be very very careful with her even if it appears she's going along with this. You'll likely need to cut her off too anyway, as she's already shown she's on their side.
​
**Judgement - NTA*\*
​
Update - 1 month later
​
Thank you everyone for all the lovely comments and support. I was really worn down with this whole ordeal so all your input was so very appreciated . There was a lot of you that expressed your concerns about what my wife’s family’s intentions were and warned me about taking precautions to keep my daughter safe. I have taken these into consideration and have made steps to ensure they have no access to any information that could disclose our location.
And yes in the end I did decide it was best to cut off all contact, not only with my wife’s parents but her sister too. I tried to get through to her many times about why I’d like to to respect my wife’s call on this since she knew her family best and what they did. Despite all the reassurance that her parents have changed she’s still refused do actually say what went down so that was not at all convincing for me.
Once I blocked them all I was getting calls from different numbers the following days. I sent one final message to her sister stating they’re never allowed near me or my daughter and if they ever tried to come harass us I will get authorities involved. Since then it was radio silence for the last couple weeks but I decided to play it safe a few days ago and changed my phone number.
I’ve also deleted my Facebook since I don’t use it that often but have put my other social media accounts on private. Got many great suggestions from many of you about how to make sure they have absolutely no access to my daughter so I really appreciate that! I’ve saved a few of these comments incase I need some extra tips in the future as my daughter gets older and starts school.
Since I last posted and have cut contact I feel like I can finally breathe. You have no idea how stressful and draining the whole thing was for me so really, thank you all for the help! I’ve been more at peace putting this all behind me and focusing on my beautiful little girl. Just wanted to leave this update since I know there was a lot of concern about how this would all play out.
Thanks again, internet strangers! :)
​
Comments
​
[deleted]
You can tell you did the right thing because they were already bringing a lot of bad energy without them being in your's or your daughter's life yet (and now never) : "You have no idea how stressful and draining the whole thing was for me so really,"

OOP: So very true! My god I didn’t realize just how exhausted I truly was until after I completely blocked them off

​
DanetteGirl
Please tell me you have a will and a plan if (God forbid) anything happens to you. These people have shown themselves to be untrustworthy in concerns to your child.

OOP: Oh absolutely. We already had one prepared before my wife passed. My daughter’s godparents (my sister and her husband) would be the ones who’d look after her

​
CarmenNirvana
I remember reading your original post and am happy to hear that you worked it out!
Based on the way your SIL was deflecting the question of what happened I think the reason why your late wife went NC (and why she never told you) would absolutely justify keeping your child away from them. The possibilities are endless but all progressively worse. If you know if the authorities were involved or other people in your late wife's life that would have an idea, it might be worth it to look into it/get a PI just so you have that peace of mind.
Regardless, you made the right decision and best wishes!!!

OOP: I’ve thought about that but part of me isn’t sure if I’d feel better or worse knowing what happened and what exactly it was that my wife had to live with in silence. I’m still thinking about it

​
Snarky_Boojum
Some things are best left alone. If they’re being quiet now, I’d suggest leaving the entire situation in the past and, as you put it, focus on your beautiful little girl.
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Anything will help and I’d be willing to trade NFW VIDS for any money possible. My daughter had cancer and I’m not able to make the trip to Florida so any thing helps
I use cashapp and PayPal If anyone can please help me , I also do sexting and video calls and clips I’m petite . I need to save my daughter and I’m desperate please if any one can help it’s greatly appreciated. Thank you. Just a single mom. And if this is what I have to then do be it. I 60 to make to discoll hospital in corpus and I live in MS. I accept PayPal and cash app. Please please my baby depends on it

I’m rewatching season 3 with kristie ray and asia and oh my goodnesss. Kristie Ray was the only one that knew how to stand up for herself and her daughter against the moms (especially against christie). When Christie said “I’m not looking away now am I” and then Kristie Ray said “good, now I’ve taught you a lesson.” I almost fell out of my seat😭 Even Jill started laughing. I love Kristie in general. I think she’s the spice that the show needed

my husband came home (we live with my mom) tonight from the gym and asked me if i gave our baby a bath (she’s about 11 weeks, and we tend to only give her one bath per week due to her eczema) i responded to him and told him no because my sister and her family came over (she has 2 autistic boys and a newborn) since they lost power due to a storm, they asked my mom and i if we could briefly watch her boys so she can go to the laundromat to put work clothes to dry and of course we told her yes. my husband instantly gets mad and says why is it our problem that she can’t watch her kids and that im a bad mom for not give my baby a bath and that he wants to move out because i get to distracted with my family to take care of my baby.
i just wanna clarify that it hasn’t been a week since i gave my daughter a bath, only 3 days and i told him i could just do it tomorrow and that i do also give her sponge baths when im not able to fully bathe her. i love my baby, i worked my whole pregnancy while my husband unemployed for half of my pregnancy and month after i was postpartum, i would do anything for her 😕 i took an unpaid maternity leave so i could take care of her and am still planning on returning afterwords so that i am able to provide for her, meanwhile my husband has been unfaithful and always threatening to leave if i don’t “clean up my act” my whole pregnancy and our whole marriage
is he right? am i a bad mom? 😕 i plan on giving her a bath tomorrow without his help because he always plans to go to the gym during her bath time

Disclaimer: this is an extremely long post with a lot of background information. If you wish to skip, please proceed to paragraph 7 lol
I was convicted in October of ‘23 for pandering. I spent 5 months in my county’s CBCF as a result of the charge and have been placed on probation for 2 years but could be let off sooner. However, the 22 videos and 44 images that I dreadfully downloaded happened back in October of ‘21.
To make another extremely long story short, this happened due to the end of my 2 year marriage that resulted in infidelity on both ends (I was 20 and she was 18 when we got married) and I decided to cope in the worst ways possible. Alcohol binges, dating apps, porn, hook ups and steroids. I believe the steroids that I took were a huge contributing factor in terms of escalating the type of porn I was watching which inevitably led me down a rabbit hole over a 3 year span. However the illegal stuff was a very isolated time frame, less than a month, before realizing what I was doing was extremely wrong.
Not trying to make excuses, but during that time I was dating my soon to be baby mom and our relationship was extremely toxic and unhealthy. She ended up finding non illegal images of younger girls in my dropbox account in my files on my computer (I was completely unaware my phone was being backed up.) She obviously freaked, and I was very open and honest about things. It took a while for her to come around and understand, but we agreed that I were to get help. I did and it was very useful. As time went on, she would accuse me of looking at images still (I wasn’t) and would get mad if I watched porn at all (even though she did all the time) I was the only one who worked and I had to provide for her and her son. It was very difficult and I was constantly ridiculed. Every day I was in that relationship it was like walking on eggshells due to her threatening to expose me. I was trapped. Eventually I lost my job and while I was unemployed for a month is when I said “fuck it, if I’m going to get accused all the time I may as well escape from this hellhole somehow” and that’s when the illegal stuff happened.
I felt ashamed of myself and deleted everything I had off my phone (or so I thought). Months go by, we have our daughter, everything is fine until one night she goes through my phone while I was asleep because she thought I was cheating on her. I worked at a popular bar with lots of attractive girls. And honestly, I did cheat on her once and the evidence was there. But while she went through my phone, she found a couple deleted non illegal images that I deleted from my camera roll recently and a zip file in my “files” app on my phone that had a female name on it. I thought I deleted everything from my past but I forgot one thing. She then turns my phone in to the police while I was asleep and the investigation was underway.
I decide to contact a lawyer and move home with my parents. A couple days later, she stops by the house and we have a conversation and I tell her the truth about what I downloaded in the past. She regretted things immediately and wanted to move home with me and genuinely make things work. Well, since you’re reading this post, obviously things didn’t work out. We separated again after 3 months because of a fictional cultivated scenario of DV in my car where I ended up with more bruises on my face than her fake makeup bruise she painted on the day later. But because I was the drunk, big male passenger, I was charged and sent to jail. We didn’t speak to one another for 6 months then tried to make things work again when I took a plea deal for Assault because she threatened I wouldn’t see my daughter if I took things to trial. We dated for another 6 months, getting hotels and spending time as a family up until I was sentenced to CBCF. Mind you, this whole time her family and her friends and everyone on her social media didn’t know we were together since she plastered my case and me all over Facebook and Instagram, exaggerating everything. Saying I had hundreds of thousands of images and that I beat her up, all of which simply wasn’t true.
While I was in CBCF, we had phone calls and video visits for a month before finding out that she was already dating and living with another guy. I was heartbroken and it made my time in there difficult but eventually, I learned to let go and focus on healing myself. I took many classes in which I took very seriously and received great mental health treatment. I felt the happiest I had been in 7 years. I get out, I see my daughter and have breakfast with baby mom, and then things go south again. My case is plastered all over social media from people I went to high school with, containing all these outrageous claims and then my baby mom chimes in and puts out more false info.
So finally what I’m getting at, is how can I even think about trying to make new friends or even try to have a relationship with anyone? The people I thought were my friends stopped talking to me except for one. He’s my best friend and I’m very grateful for him. I’ve told him my story and he never judged once, he actually understood. I’m trying my best to restart my life, but I have so much anxiety doing so because of all the misinformation plastered everywhere on social media.
For instance, I met a couple girls a few weeks ago that bartend and I thought would be great recruits for my buddy’s restaurant that I’m helping open. We all become friends and last week I finally let one of the girls know I was interested in her since the other one told me that she thought I was hot. We agreed that it wasn’t going to be anything serious and just enjoy the summer with each other since she just got out of a relationship and wanted to focus on herself. Well, I’m assuming she somehow caught wind of things about me because today she asked “what’s your last name” I told her, despite nervously knowing where it was headed. I sent another text stating “I’m assuming I know why you’re asking, and to be honest I have no problem telling you the truth about things if you’re actually interested in knowing. If not, I totally understand”
No response. I check insta, she unfollowed me. Check snap, she deleted me.
I understand people’s decisions and have no problem with them. I can’t take things personally and can accept things for what they are. However, at night I really start to think about things and make myself upset because why won’t anyone let me tell them my side of the story? Not my “friends,” and not someone who I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with. I don’t plan on hiding who I am, but I at least want the person to know that I am a good human being who is working on themselves diligently before ever bringing up my past.
How would any of my fellow offenders tackle this, and how would you female supporters react to my situation? I’m trying my best to rebuild my life but the anxiety of it all can be crippling. Now I have to start over to square one, with my confidence reset back to 0 now that I’ve been ghosted.
I would consider myself to be an attractive man, solid 7.5-8. 5’11, 210lbs and very into fitness. I bust my ass at work, drive a nice vehicle, I’m compassionate, empathetic and emotionally mature thankfully because of therapy. I’m not trying to blow my own horn, but I would consider myself to be a high quality man. However, this conviction is a major blow to everything else I have going on for me. Any advice on how anyone believes I should go about my life would be greatly appreciated. This is all new to me, and it’s very frustrating to say the least.
Thank you all for your time in advance

My maternal side of the family has been keeping an unintentional name theme for a long time: my great grandmother was named Margarita (meaning daisy), her daughter is Aurora (as in aurora borealis), my mom is Rocío (the Spanish word for morning dew) and I'm Carolina (a type of rose that grows in my country, also a species of poplar trees). They hadn't noticed until I pointed it out a few months ago! Plus: my grandma's best friend is called Estela (our word for the reflections of the sun in the water)
Do you guys have any ongoing theme in your family? Would you like to, what would it be? Also, how should I name a potential child of mine?

All the men are so intimidated by each other and the women are so messy it's amazing. This is just a porn premise but no one has sex show and I love it. How anyone could be upset by the pure beauty that is this show?
I think season 3 should be bisexual/pansexual milfs dating brothers and sisters. Season 4 should be moms and daughters dating some young guys. Season 4 will probably have a murder as trashy reality show women compete for ugly men.
I hope they keep making new twists its so fucki g funny and keeps the show fresh. I hope one day I could go on this show and kiss milfs and create problems. 10/10 couldn't ask for a better show just longer episodes.

Title, basically.
Only people who knew I was trans before this were my friends at school and my mom.
So I’m in drama at school, senior in hs, and we just got done doing the wizard of oz. After opening night, I was talking to my dad and he said
“Hey, I just wanna say I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I know that you probably want me to refer to you as a he in public, and I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends”
“And I just want you to know that I love you and any way that you want me to refer to you is alright with me”
And I felt really supported by him, and the next day I texted him this:
“Hey dad, I just want to say thank you for what you said on opening night to me. You apologized if you embarrassed me and said something along the lines of “I know you probably want to be referred to as a ‘he’ at school”, and you were pretty spot on. Im not sure if you meant it in the same way as I do, but here goes: I am trans, and I would prefer to use He/Him pronouns and be referred to as a son and not a daughter. If you have any questions I am more than happy to answer them. I also want you to know that you knowing and talking about it with me before I even told you means a whole lot to me.”
And he replied
“I love you and above all just want you to be happy. That said, I will probably misspeak often but I promise to constantly try to get it right.”
So my coming out to him went a whole lot better than my coming out to my mom.
And then about an hour ago my mom was talking to me about how we’re moving to Utah and I said “do you think I’m gonna get jumped for having my pride pins?” (referring to my rainbow pins, not my trans pin)
And she said “well with the groups we’re gonna be around that’s not gonna happen, and nobody is gonna attack a 6’1 guy over pins, and it’s gonna be a huge adjustment telling everyone your my son and not my daughter, but I’ll have to deal with it I guess”
And my transphobic aunts were in the room and I’m pretty sure they are gonna tell my whole family what do I do?!

Location: WA State
TW: mentions of child abuse, domestic abuse
In the past 1.5 years, we’ve recently gained a new neighboring family on our block, adjacent to our home. FWIW, they’re renting the property from a landlord. The family consists of Mom, Dad, and 3+ children all under the age of 5, if I were to guess.
Since last summer, the police have been called on them numerous times; they’ve shown up at least 17 times. Yes, you read that correctly.
The main culprit is the mother, who, in the kindest way I can possibly describe, is a total nut job. From domestic violence almost weekly (she was arrested in June 2023 for assaulting her husband in front of a CPS social worker), to terrorizing fellow neighbors, to physically/verbally/emotionally abusing her children in broad daylight, this woman is out of control. Her husband equally partakes in this behavior as well, with the most recent being a broken window during one of their many altercations.
In previous months, CPS social workers arrived to her home (I’m assuming a welfare check on her children), and the mother proceeded to pull out all the stops: screaming her head off in the front yard, cussing out the CPS SW, cops arrived. You get the idea. She barricaded herself in her house while the police were waiting outside with the CPS SW’s. However, she wasn’t arrested (that time).
This brings me to this past weekend: the mother was seen verbally abusing her toddler daughter over a pacifier as they were headed out of their home. This quickly escalated to the mother slapping the toddler. She proceeded to continue the physical assault on her child once the toddler was in their vehicle. My fellow neighbor witnessed the mother repeatedly slap the toddler in the car.
Fellow neighbor called the landlord to communicate what they had seen, and landlord advised they call 911, and promptly hung up. Police never arrived after my fellow neighbor called it in. Not sure if my fellow neighbor has this assault captured on their Ring doorbell.
My main question here is, are there any legal resources available to ensure the safety of this woman’s children? It seems the police & CPS have their hands tied (and most recently, didn’t even show up to check it out). Obviously, this mother has had plenty of run-ins with CPS for god knows what else happens behind closed doors. Bluntly, this is the kind of mother that would be dangerous enough to unalive her children and self-delete. Her mental health is very troubling.
Should we as neighbors continue calling 911 and/or a non-emergency hotline & are there other routes in addition that we can entertain? Two separate neighbors have spoken up to the mother and demanded she knock off her behavior, only for her to become irate and increase her aggression & vulgar language at them & continued to take it out on her children.
Any feedback or resources would be so helpful. Thank you!

I feel like I have to start from the beginning....again
Trigger Warning mention about suicide. Self harm and ideation. Domestic and emotional abuse.
Long post alert
I'm sorry if this isn't isn't right sub for this. But I've been watching vids on YouTube about surviving the abuse. And it's been triggering? Even though I thought I was over this. But I keep getting flashbacks AGAIN lately.
For some back story,
I'm 29F got together with this man not long after highschool. Turning 19. He was 7 years older than me. Looking back I feel he may have preyed on me since I was friends with his brother in highschool. I have complex ptsd and major depressive disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder.
Its been a little less than 2 years since i left. He technically broke up first with me but i was like well if you feel that way than imma go. I was miserable and over his shit by that point. Felt trapped. So i took that as my sign as im free. Cause he can't be upset with me if he ends it, right? I saw the opportunity and ran with it.
Didnt say a damn thing while I packed. Sulked on the bed instead. I even talked with his daughter who was 15 at the time, had the talk with her how me and her dad weren't gonna work out. Reassured her that it was not her fault and i would love to still remain in her life. She was the only daughter i ever had. Was involved in her life for 4 years. He didnt wanna join the discussion so i did what needed to be done for his daughters sake. I sadly passed her each time going out the door to put my things in the car. She was in the living room. So upward I go to my mom's, I called her and she had no hesitation when I asked to come home.
Once I get to my parents, he starts blowing me up. Spam messaging and calling and I told him I needed time to think. "We'd been together almost 9 years and your gone all day and send me a long breakup text after you finally get home and I'm in the shower. This is literally what you asked for, and youre broken up about it? How do you think i feel" Were my thoughts
I came back the next day cause he threatened suicide and i was genuinely scared. Called police. Told him i think well be ok if you get some help and stayed for a month or so when he just got worse. I didnt know at the time he relapsed. His emotional abuse and trying to control me grew errily intense from what i was used to. Was saying I was starting an argument anytime I was trying ti communicate because he would just not.
Throughout our time together, at least living together, He'd go from saying and doing things like
"These are the conversations that are gonna make me put a bullet in my head" Getting angry at something so miniscule and breaking things like he always did, it had just extremely escalated to him trashing the apartment. Timing how long I'd be out at the store or at a work meeting. Didn't work and took full advantage of the stimulus checks and 600 unemployment every week during covid, which he spent on everything but rent. Which later down the road is why our landlords sued us.
I almost got 2 jobs. I nickled and dimed every mf thing to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. While he's gloating about what he just ordered. Than stressing about how he has no money for rent the next week. He ran my PayPal into debt and almost fucked my credit up. With his spending and the fact that we were being sued. I had to pay for everything. I saved his ass so many times. For almost a fkn decade. I kept saying if I help him he'll be caught up right? But than he'd run his debt in again. He sucked every pen y put of ALMOST all my inheritance money. Talking thousands.
He'd constantly complain about the car I bought him in full. We couldn't drive my car around because it was embarrassing for a women to drive her man around. I always had to be with him when he was doing whatever. Couldn't have any me time. He'd get upset at me gaming and streaming for 2 hours while he'd be at the gym for 4 hours.
Always put me down. Disencouraged any self care routines I'd try cause they'd take too long. Genuinely got pissed at me if I was falling asleep before he did. Give me a hard time if I didn't get the right brand items at the store or even groceries.
Nothing I did was right or enough. Over 100k wasn't enough money. No amount of hours I worked were enough to escape his rath. Nothing I did was fast enough. I used to tell him my life wasn't the drivethru timing at my old job. At some point I just gave up fighting him on it.
He sucked the life outta me. My optimism I'd always have and encouraged him with was gone. This was the life I was meant to live I'd think. I was planning a suicide and self harming shortly after my return back to him. Which was about a month later. I was convinced everyoned wanted me dead. I was just a tool. Only good for money, errands, chores, and BJs. I was just an object to him. Nothing more and much less.
I left again end of october 2022 when i thought he was cheating. He hid my stuff in the closet when a girl came over. Always said he was lusting over other women. Always showed me pics of men and women and would ask me if id fuck them. Said it was ok to find people attractive.
Got to the last straw, left, and didnt look back. Not until i got to my parents did i realize he was emotionally abusive. I stayed ferm on my boundaries. He commited suicide less than 2 months after i left. Blamed me in his note, which was a rewritten version of another he left at the house after the first time i left.
Blaming me and giving me one last fuck you was more important to him to stay in his daughters life. He abandoned his siblings. I felt such a fucked up irony at the time cause it was alnost me. Now i dont feel guilty cause I know it's not my fault. saddly if he was still alive id be in such fear of my life. I was debating filing a restraining order the morning we found him.
The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard to handle. Probably the most difficult before we moved in together. I may have even dissociatrd through most of it? Im not sure how i survived while trying to take care of him. He was also homeless . He was occastionally physical like pushing. He threatened to kill me after hitting me once. But at thr time it happened i blamed myself cause he held everything over my head and i thought i deserved it. I blamed it on his drug use and drinking. I also hit him forst for saying harsh diragitory things to me. He was arrested the next day for breaking into a cops house. That night didnt exist to him and was denied anytime I brought it up(except the day after he broke down and apologized) he was always the victim.
Those early years before we moved in together are still hard to resinate with.
Why are his words in my voice in my head still? After all this time and therapy since his death. Its almost like im controlling myself thr way hed control me? I thougt ive come to terms with the emotional abuse and his death. Multiple times already. I even spread his ashes for fucks sake. And yet his energy still lingers. Not as bad as before granted. But my god man go tf away!
Maybe i repressed the physical occasions? And thr financial abuse? Again I was with him for 9 years. Lived with him for about 5-6 give or take.
Idk Why all this still haunts me? Idk How long it'll take until I find myself again, I thought I already have! Hes just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my trauma and i keep feeling like im back at square one.
I don't feel anxious or depressed even typing this. I just feel so lost. In the wrong world. Like im not cut out for life cause i have too much trauma. Too much baggage. Its too much too vent often to the people in my life now as i go through IOP. I don't wanna be in survival mode forever. Thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated

In March, my fiancés ex randomly called us and told us that she would be moving with their child, as well as her boyfriend and soon to be born child, to South Carolina and that his visitation would change to every other month for 1.5 weeks. Obviously, we were very shocked, angry and just confused. (Side note: she posted about her boyfriend cheating again and having to figure things out as a single mom in January so that’s why we were so confused). I’ve been with my fiancé since his daughter was 7 months old and throughout that time the custody schedule has shifted to what’s best for her age, but we have always seen her consistently throughout the week every week. My fiancé has also consistently paid an agreed upon amount of $400 monthly. I know that may seem small but neither us nor her are making more than 3k a month. With that said, none of this has been through the courts so there was technically nothing stopping her from moving. I should note he has established paternity by signing a VDOP at SD birth since him and BM were never married. The actual time share has gone between 20-35ish % throughout the last 3 years (SD is 3 currently), and currently she has reduced him back down to 20% (since we served her court papers she won’t let us have any more time). The reason being was because she became a stay at home mom so she felt the time where SD was only with me was no longer necessary (which I get). This shift for her happened around the time my fiance started a new job and was working a lot so we didn’t fight it cause any extra time we would get, SD would just be with me since my fiance was working so much. Eventually, he was able to put himself into a position to be able to have his daughter more cause he no longer had to work the same hours he was when he first started. We were planning on approaching her to change the schedule to increase our time with SD since work schedule was better and we felt she was old enough that spending longer periods at each house was best for her, however that’s when BM told us her plan to move. After she told us her plan to move, we tried to have a few conversations to try to get things figured out without court, but everything just came down to money when it came to BM. She claims that they’re moving because they can’t afford to raise 2 kids in CA ( living off of only her boyfriend’s income cause she plans to be a SAHM). Our response was we want more time with her any way and if it’s too expensive for you to have 2, then us having her more time will help alleviate that. Her response was if you want more time then you need to pay me more. We also feel frustrated cause it feels like how she treats him as a father is completely dependent on her relationship status. When this boyfriend cheated on her last year she was in full support and thought it was best for SD to have pretty much equal time between homes and get to grow up with both of her parents and for them to coparent, however when her and boyfriend are good and she gets pregnant it changes to he’s a terrible father and doesn’t do anything so she has more authority. It’s been kinda rough that SD was so young when they split cause it felt inevitable that she would need to be with mom more since she was breastfeeding, sleep training etc. After these recent conversations, we felt like there was no other option than to take it to court not only in order to try and prevent her from moving, but regardless to get more time since she will not respond to making a new schedule with more equal time share. We’ve all always avoided it because we know it’s ugly and just felt like we could all figure it out, but at this point that feels impossible.
I guess my question is, what are the odds of us getting more custody and what are the odds of her being able to move away? At the end of the day our focus isn’t on child support, however with her not working and solely relying on her bfs income, how would that affect it? I know that it really looks bad that on paper he has her 20%, however he is a very present and loving father and it really hurts my heart to think that my SD could end up having to grow up with her parents living across the country from one another, and inevitably having daddy issues. Seeing her relationship with her dad, I know the hurt and confusion it would cause her to go from seeing him every couple days to every 2 months.
Please no judgement. I’m posting this cause I could use some positive words and some insight. Thank you!

I went nc with my sister years ago for a multitude of reasons. One of the reasons being that she had mental health issues and claimed she was getting help but no one (including her then husband) was allowed to know what she was diagnosed with, what the treatment was, etc. No one was allowed to know what her physical medical diagnoses were and what meds they were being treated with. It started with random things like she was on a medication that requires her to take (per her…there is no proof she was willing to show proving what she said) 6 pills at once. She claims she asked her then teenage daughter to give her six of these pills while she was driving. (It was for a fever blister supposedly.) But her daughter gave her the wrong pills and she didn’t notice bc she was driving. I could understand a mix up (we do have SALAD drugs. Sound alike look alike drugs) but that wasn’t the case. Think of the meds being named something completely like shrimp vs chicken. The pills didn’t even look similar or have similar sizes. She ended up in ICU bc she overdosed since apparently her daughter gave her the wrong drug. BUT no one was allowed to ask said daughter bc (per sister) she was devastated and felt guilty. Once the initial shock wore off…my husband and I realized things didn’t add up. Then a few months later she randomly took FMLA from her job and left the state to do a 6 week in house mental health clinic. they wanted her to stay for 12 weeks but she would only agree to 8 weeks. After she came back she would only talk about movies (she tried to equate movies to every situation in life and it was exhausting), religion which was strange bc I never could tell if she would be 110% pro religion or thinking it was all an elaborate scheme, politics where she was in the far far far left (people should have a right to demolish anything if it made them uncomfortable. At one point I told her the sheer size of her house made me uncomfortable so I should have a right to demolish it…totally never would. I don’t think I have that kind of rights. To which she fought back that was her home and I had no right. I just looked at her and said…so people don’t have a right to demolish something bc it makes them uncomfortable or is it only your things that rule applies to), and jobs (at my then 3yo’s birthday she kept bringing the convo back to a client of hers who had been SA and how she had to teach the client what that meant and what intercourse was and what that situation was bad. People kept redirecting the convo but she kept going back to it). At that party I finally reached my breaking point and sent the kids outside to play and yelled. I yelled a lot, kicked her out of the house, and went nc. I did apologize to the other adults for losing my temper. She sent me a long crazy message about how I needed help bc I was mentally unstable.
Recently I read a post on Reddit and it made me curious…I looked her court records up online. I expected maybe another cc that went into the system bc it was 15k plus that she stopped paying on. (Not the first time or even second that would have happened.) Boy was I wrong. She had traffic violations for 15-24 over the speed limit. She had failure to yield tickets. She had a couple tickets for no tags. A warrant out for one of the vehicle tickets. And…a violation for a trashed yard due to excessive rubbish which also had a warrant out on her.
I don’t know if she has custody of her kids at this point. They are all older. One is a legal adult. I know she convinced my parents after all was said and done that I went to court and testified against her. I’m still left confused over that one bc…my parents were at court with her for the divorce. They were in the court room with her. I was never there. I didn’t even know when the court date was. I asked my mom if she remembered seeing me on the stand but she would never answer. Golden child can’t be questioned when holes appear!!! Must defend golden child!!! (We are no contact with my parents now for a multitude of reasons.) my parents defend her so much and all I can think is…you’re enabling her to be a total and utter mess.
Part of me wants to contact her to see if she’s ok. I feel the need to make sure she’s not on the verge of doing something bad. Just know she’s ok on some level. I won’t bc I’m not going down that sewer pipe. I just feel so bad for her. I want to wrap her up in a warm blanket and give her hot chocolate telling her it will be ok. I hoped the court records would have been empty. I hope and pray she’s moving on in her life and thriving. Instead it just feels like she’s getting worse. I feel horrible for my nibblings who are experiencing all of that and in all honesty I don’t even know if they have contact with her now. Ex BIL may have stepped in for the health and safety of the kids. I don’t know.
But yeah I feel total guilt. I remember when I told my BIL about the birthday party event (in case the kids said something to him I didn’t want to be the crazy person and he deserved the right to know what was going on) he told me I needed to find a way to fix the relationship with my sister bc she needed me now more than she realized. He was more right than anyone could have imagined. She has/had two best friends. Best friends for 25ish years. All lived in the same town. Neither were willing to show up and testify in her defense. One agreed to but then gave a bs answer to back out at the last minute. The other couldn’t bc she couldn’t get off work rofl. She didn’t even write a character reference letter to the judge. Who would have thought they would have abandoned her.
I know it’s safer for me and my kids (mentally, physically and emotionally) to stay away from all of them but I still feel guilty. What’s the best way to handle the guilt?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Total_Cap_8129. She posted in AmItheAsshole
I added paragraph breaks for readability.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.

Mood Spoiler: sad but with good boundaries
Original Post: May 21, 2024
This is my first reddit post, throwaway. Also Englisch is not my first language.
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what.
Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples.
Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet.
I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same.
I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place.
My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
Relevant Comments (OOP had over 100, so this is very narrowed down):
Commenter: OP, she doesn't want to feel closer to her new family, she wants to know that she can push your brother to get her what she wants, even at the expense of his relationship with all of you. It's a game she is playing now, before they get married, so she knows exactly how far she can push you all and what she can get her greedy hands on with a temper tantrum and some threats to exclude you all.
Tell your brother the legacy he received is two watercolor paintings his ex wife has, and he's welcome to chase her down for that if he feels so strongly about it. But your jewelry was a gift your grandmother gave to you, and it is staying with you until you give it to your daughters.
Friend, if you cave to your brother and SIL on this, you'll be handing shit over as long as their marriage lasts. NTA.

OOP: Wow.. thanks for the clarity and direct words. I am starting to feel I was in denial about how bad this really is.
It’s worth mentioning that my brother obviously received his own inheritance as well.
(to another commenter): Also he got a sizable inheritance back then and his wife got two original artworks.. those jewelry pieces are worth approximately $1000 each while my mother’s original artworks are valued $1000-$3000 (she was an illustrator) so the issue is really not me sitting on a $50,000 diamond ring while they received two worthless sketches.

Commenter: Your dad presumably still had items from his wife? He can give one of his treasures to her. You and your sister and your three daughters got one item each. Not up for renegotiation.

OOP: We already offered but she claims it must be jewelry so she can wear it on her wedding day.

Commenter: Since the brother and fiancee seem to want to make the decision, ask them which granddaughter they feel deserves to be deprived of her grandmother's memento, AND how they intend to compensate said daughter for her exclusion from grandmotherly keepsakes. Tell them you cannot in good conscience hand anything over to the fiancee unless they can give a reasonable answer to these questions.

OOP: My husband actually asked them that and their answer was they believe that the twins should share.. which is obviously not going to happen as long as I am here to prevent it.

Commenter: How does the SIL even know about the jewelry?

OOP: I planned to give it to my girls at a family dinner commemorating our mother’s birthday next month and gave everyone a heads up. That’s how she got to know.

Commenter: You have 3 daughters. Your mother left you 3 items. It's pretty self-explanatory. Your mother didn't have to spell it it out for you. She just left them with you for safekeeping. If that wasn't her intention, she would have given them to your dad. Plus your daughters had a personal relationship with your mom (THEIR grandmother).
You got the watch. Your sis got the bracelet. Your daughters get the other 3.

OOP: Thanks.. I feel exactly the same way. I can’t for the life of me see where my brother claims we should have involved him in any discussion concerning who gets what because in my view it’s absolutely clear who gets what. And since she left those things to me, it’s up to me to make the decision. She could’ve left them to anybody else, but she didn’t. What else am I going to do with three pieces when I have three daughters?

Commenter: Tell your brother to stick it. These are for your daughters / her bloodline. This is so entitled and ridiculous.

OOP: I actually don’t care so much about the bloodline thing. If my father were to die tomorrow and each of this children would get some beloved sentimental items I would be really pissed if my husband who is very close to him would not get anything. Plus, I really understand why she wants to have something to feel more connected to her new family, especially since she is estranged to her parents and won’t get anything from them to wear on her wedding day. The problem lies solely in the fact that I don’t have anything to give her without hurting other people. I will not prioritise her feelings above my daughters.

Commenter: Bet you the reason she is estranged from her parents is an eye opener if you ever find it out. Whatever she told you it was is BS.

OOP: I don’t know the reason, but I will admit the thought has crossed my mind. The fact that she is willing to blatantly ignore her nieces’ feelings and that wearing a piece of heirloom jewellery on her wedding day is more important to her than the girls’ connection to their beloved grandmother is a bit concerning to me.

Commenter: If she's trying to feel closer to your family, is there any jewelry that is yours or your sister's that could be given or loaned to her for her wedding day that isn't inherited from your mother?
Your sister and your daughters who actually knew and loved your mother should, of course, take precedence over someone who has only heard about her! NTA and your brother is being absurdly pushy.

OOP: We have now decided to pitch in together to buy something new for her to wear on her wedding day and have as a gift from the family. I hope she will accept this. I could also give her something from me as a loan but I feel buying something specifically for her would probably be better. It’s not that I feel she shouldn’t have anything and I would honestly offer to give her a piece if I had any spare pieces to give.

Commenter: NTA. Your brother is marrying a psycho. She’s never met your mother but is distraught that she can’t wear her dead MIL’s jewelry. You are correct, your mom left the jewelry to you and, as you stated, your mom didn’t even leave your brother’s wife (his ex) jewelry when she passed. Your brother and his fiancée are acting crazy entitled and you need to tell them no and that if they bring it up again you’ll have to excuse yourself from their presence. They are trying to bully you out of your daughters’ heirloom jewelry, their birthrites.

OOP: I can actually see why she would like to have something, we were all very close with mom and keep her memory alive and it’s tricky to enter into such a dynamic years later. I would give her something especially to wear on her wedding day (she is estranged from her parents) if I had anything to give but I can’t take away from my daughters to help her feel better.

Commenter: NTA - the items were left to you. No matter what happens in the future, your daughter's will be your daughter's. The same can't be said for your brothers fiance. That relationship could end, and then the jewelry wouldn't be part of the family anymore. If they were married when your mother passed, maybe I'd consider it, but they haven't tied the knot, so don't give her anything.

OOP: This has been brought up a lot but I feel I can’t in good conscience bring up the fact that their marriage might fail as an argument.

Commenter: NTA if your mom specifically left them to you. Y W B T A if you and your sister decided between yourselves to take all of the nice jewelry without giving any to brother. What about if/when he has daughters?

OOP: He was childless back than with no intention of starting a family and his first wife got an inheritance of her own and so did he. He was completely fine with us deciding what to do with the jewelry as neither him nor his ex wife were interested. The issue only came up with his fiancée recently. Had he voiced his objections ten years ago I would not have spent the last ten years preparing my daughters and the situation would be different. Also legally all items belong to me and I am under no obligation to share or discuss with anyone. I discussed with my sister because it seemed fitting.. again.. he was not interested.

Ask the first wife for paintings?
Asking first wife for her paintings might be an even harder no than the jewelry question honestly.. she received those paintings because she loved our mother and her art and she was a family member in her own right after replacing my mother as my disabled father’s full-time caretaker after my mother fell ill. I am not close to her anymore but I respect her and my mother‘s wishes enough to not hunt her down after seven years for what is legally and rightfully hers.
Update (Same Post): May 22, 2024 (Next Day)
Thank you all for your kind messages and advice, I would never have expected to get so valuable support and inside from strangers on the Internet. Thank you really from the bottom of my heart!
We came together with my brother and his fiancée after I had many of your replies to my husband and my sister. I stated clearly that I will support her in any way possible and that it’s very important for me to welcome home to the family properly but the jewelry is off the table because I believe I am fulfilling my mother’s wishes and I cannot hurt my daughters. I added that I believe that this is not the right way to join a family and that we should strive to resolve this conflict before it creates more tension between my daughters and their uncle and future aunt and also amongst us siblings.
At first, I thought my brother really saw my point and he seemed happy that we offered to pitch together to buy something for his fiancée. Unfortunately she is not willing to accept this. as some of you pointed out, she seems to believe that she ranks right beside my sister and me when it comes to our late mother and supersedes my daughters.. well.
She talked about her rightful place in the family and how she went no contact with her family because they denied her the respect that she deserves and that she will not hesitate to do the same with us. She also talked a lot about the pain of not being able to have any heirloom jewelry for her wedding. And honestly, I believe only a few days ago I would’ve given in presented with her tears but thanks to your kind words I was able to see through her emotional manipulation and really now that I am aware of what she’s doing it is so obvious..
I must say my brother looked very uncomfortable. She then stated that it would be a waste to give the pieces to my daughters since they would just sell them for the money to buy make-up wich is absurd. I ended the conversation at this point stating that I hold firm to my boundary and that they are free to do whatever they feel is the right thing for them.
I am heartbroken and I hope my brother will change his mind. So.. no happy ending but thanks again.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Thats great youve seen her for what shes really doing! Good luck to your brother because the fiancé sure sounds like a peach! Well done for looking out for your baby girls (I know they’re 18 but they’ll always be your babies!)!

OOP: They are capable and wise but they should not bear the consequences of the quarrels of others that they have no part in. And although I am heartbroken by all of this I can firmly feel my mother’s support in this as she put me in charge to protect what belongs to her granddaughters and daughters. Thank you for your support!

In response to a longer comment:

Thanks again.. I appreciate your encouragement. I hope their next move will be one of love and understanding but it’s hard to tell what they will do. While I don’t believe they are considering to physically steal the pieces from me, I have now given the two pieces meant for the younger girls to my mother-in-law for safekeeping at her house until the dust settles. She is obviously livid at the treatment of her granddaughters. The girls felt a lot of pressure from their uncle which is so heartbreaking.. my eldest on the other hand calls her future aunt a grifter and says she will not accept any change of plan to accommodate her so she will receive her piece as planned. She has also been looking forward to wearing it for a long time. I have no words really at this point.. hoping for the best.

​

My (28M) wife (27F) and I have been married for six years, and we have a 5-year-old son. I work as the CFOat my father's company, earning a substantial income, well into the eight figures. My job requires long hours and a high level of commitment. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, a decision we both agreed upon when our son was born.
Lately, my work has been more demanding because of a big project with a tight deadline. For the past three weeks, I've been working late nights and weekends. I know it’s been hard on my wife, but I thought we were managing okay.
Last week, after another late night at the office, I came home to find my wife visibly upset. She told me she feels like a single parent and that our son misses me a lot. She said she’s tired of having dinner alone with him and putting him to bed by herself every night. I tried to explain that this project is temporary and that things will get better soon, but she was too upset to listen.
The next day, she asked if I could reduce my hours or work from home more often. I said I’d see what I could do, but it’s not as simple as it sounds. Despite my high income, we have significant expenses and a lifestyle that relies on my current salary, and I can’t afford to risk my job right now.
Last night, things came to a head. My wife had planned a small family dinner for my birthday, but I got caught up in a last-minute meeting and came home late. When I walked in, she was fuming. She accused me of caring more about my job than about my family. We got into a big fight, with her yelling that she feels like a single parent and me trying to explain that I’m working hard for them and for our future. She didn’t want to hear it and went to bed angry.
The next morning, I woke up to find that she had packed some bags and taken our son to stay with her parents. She left me a note, saying she needed some space and time to think about our relationship. She said she loves me but can’t continue feeling like a single parent while I’m constantly at work. Adding to the strain, my wife is seven months pregnant with our daughter.
This situation is really weighing on me. I love my wife and son more than anything, and it hurts to see them unhappy. I try to make up for lost time by spending quality moments with them whenever I can, but I know it’s not enough. My wife feels like she’s raising our son alone, and I can see how exhausted she is. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to our son, who misses having his dad around.
However, my wife also loves the luxury lifestyle my job provides. We live in a beautiful home, drive luxury cars, and enjoy vacations that many people can only dream of. She’s always told me how much she appreciates these things and doesn’t want that to change.
I’ve thought about ways to find a better balance, like delegating more tasks at work or setting stricter boundaries for myself. I feel caught between my commitment to my job and my commitment to my family.
Honestly, I don’t regret the choices I’ve made to support my family financially. I believe the sacrifices I’m making are necessary to maintain our lifestyle and secure our future. My wife’s current dissatisfaction feels like a temporary hurdle, and I’m confident we can work through it without drastically changing the way we live.
With the recent tension and her leaving, I’ve started to wonder if our values are too different and if this might lead to divorce. It’s a tough thought, especially with our second child on the way, but I’m beginning to think it might be the only way to find some peace and balance in our lives.
AITA for working too much and causing my pregnant wife and son to stay with her parents?

I think my only option is to completely resign as a stepparent. I desperately need advice about sustaining a marriage with polar opposite parenting styles, & how to deal with teenage boys with no manners or basic hygiene.
There is a lot of background here I will try to keep as to-the-point as possible. I am 34 with a 10 year-old daughter. My husband is 39 with a 15 year-old son. We each had kids at 23. We are 5 years apart, as are our kids. We were also friends for 5 years before “courting” & built a strong bond of trust already, so yes, we courted. I had rejected him a few times over the years, as I was abstinent after a toxic relationship & did not want to repeat the same patterns. Over the covid lockdowns, we started talking, texting, facetiming more than ever. When he asked me out again, I told him I was not interested in dating without the ultimate goal of marriage, to which he said, “Good. I don’t want a girlfriend, I want a wife.” 3 months later, we became engaged & our marriage is truly amazing & fulfilling in so nearly every way except one - my daughter & I, some of the most playful & outgoing outdoorsy girls you could meet, have no idea how to connect to his son. And there is nothing to make me think it is worth even trying anymore.
Miraculously, husband & I both get along extremely well with our co-parents. I could not see myself with someone that doesn’t. Neither of us have court orders or child support or rigid schedules. My daughter’s bio dad is one of my best friends, & I made very clear that a relationship with me means respecting his role. He said the same of his son’s bio mom. I come from a very blended family in which this is the ideal. My parents were at each other’s weddings & all get along & still get together. Our own coparents attended our wedding a year & a half ago. And that meant the absolute world to me & hopefully if not now, someday our kids.
For sure, my husband could not be a better stepfather. He & my daughter share inside jokes & their own games & pranks. She has her own nickname for him & will run to him & hug & climb all over him. They convinced me to add baby goats to our homestead, & have been tending to & bottle-feeding them both, a beautiful connection & commitment to share. He says, “She makes it easy.” And to put it lightly, his son does not - but I am absolutely not allowed to talk about it without getting ridiculed.
I first met the son when he was 13. Overweight, awkward, all of his hair in front of his eyes. He then retreated to his room. I know him to be the exact same now. He is 6’0 & I think over 200lbs, larger than my dad. He defaults to locking himself in his room. Unless asked to help stack wood or play a game with the rest of us, he only emerges to use the bathroom (in which he never brushes his teeth or washes his hands), or ask his dad for food - of which, he literally only eats yellow rice & chicken. He will otherwise smash an entire bag of “Takis” or flaming hot Cheetos at 10 AM & continuously throughout the day as they are available to him. He plays live multiplayer games from morning often to midnight or 3 AM, with my daughter’s room right next to him, where I blast the fan & AC & ocean sounds to drown him out. Calling this out seemed to be calling stepson out personally, so all I can do is adapt. Daughter thankfully likes it cold.
I have tried to be as soft & supportive in airing my grievances to husband, but they are never taken with grace or accountability. I am not perfect & have definitely been passive aggressive with his reactivity, as he takes my issues as insults rather than something to work on. He casts blame on bio mom or Covid, & now me. “I don’t know what goes on at bio-mom’s house, we moved an hour away & he gets carsick! I’m out of his life!” “It’s because he was stuck inside for 2 years!” “Are you sure you didn’t HEAR him say hi?” “Good news, I’ve been living with him 15 years, never sanitized a doorknob in his life, & I’ve been fine!” “I wouldn’t want to leave my room with you criticizing his every move either!”
Our first night in our new home for example, was a nightmare. My hand lotion moved from the bathroom counter to the back of the toilet - so then into our room immediately. He left the toilet seat open & my razor covered in pubes. He left open bags of chips with crumbs all over the counter. “It’s an adjustment, it’s hard on everyone!” Husband said over & over. This was an understatement, being that my daughter has been raised to ask for anything from snack time to screen time always with “please,” “thank you,” & we eat out of bowls that we put in the sink rather than stack in our room with soda cans & candy wrappers.. I am familiar with the saying, “Living room kids come from healthy families. Bedroom kids do not.” Daughter is a living room kid. Stepson is a bedroom kid. Either way, I had never had personal items used without asking &felt extremely violated by stepson, then upset that husband blamed me for it instead of understanding where I was coming from.
This remains true nearly a year later. My husband has started lashing out while drinking the past few months, accusing me of “HATING” his son, which is extremely hurtful as I do not harbor any hate in my heart for anyone. What I disdain is the way he is raising his son under our shared roof & living spaces, & that he refuses to acknowledge or communicate about it. As things were not greatly improving, I personally had a talk with stepson about basic manners. I said, “When you enter this house without a greeting or making eye contact, it is an insult. It comes off as rude & entitled & I don’t like feeling like a ghost in my own house. This is your house too & I want you to feel comfortable. But you can help me feel more comfortable too.” “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
I have truly never had a real conversation with this kid. He does say “hi” & “bye” & the occasional “thank you” now. At this point, it is abundantly clear that he does not want me in a step role, & neither does his father, & neither does bio mom. So it seems I have no choice but to let it all go & suffer bad manners & hygiene, silence, & now bitter resentment from husband.
What I have observed is that I actually“coparent” with my daughter’s father. We coordinate around each other’s schedules, we make decisions together, we communicate about her physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, & social wellbeing. Husband & bio mom do not. They parent in isolation & simply let the other do as they please, which has resulted in a child without manners or discipline. This has led bio mom to put the kid on PROZAC without husband’s consent. This horrified me, as someone who only goes to the doctor for stitches. My daughter’s doctor is the naturopath who midwived her in the bedroom she still sleeps in at her father’s house. I understand not everyone is as holistically minded, but I begged husband to get him to a nutritionist first. The child is obese & malnourished. But too late. Bio mom did as she pleased without communication, which seems constant among them.
I have not shared my views as I know they are not welcome. Bio mom is medicated, her other 10 year-old son (deceased dad) is medicated, & now teenage stepson is as well. Husband blames our distance from him which feels like an indirect blame on me, as we are closer to my community & business as husband works from home. But truly they live in the ghetto, & I have always lived on the coast & barely like to drive through those inner cities. I set up a high school tour for them here which is one of the best schools in the state with a tech program I thought stepson would love, but he chose to stay with his friends, in one of the worst schools of the state. He incredibly won class president, though has dropped a bunch of honors classes & continues failing others.
My birthday was last week. When my husband asked what I wanted, I said baby back ribs & family. I just wanted to grill & chill due to an insane work week. I run a housekeeping business & worked for 24 hours in 3 days opening up for the summer rental season. I did not want to go crazy hosting & knew I would if we invited friends. “Are you sure? You wouldn’t be hosting, I will be! You don’t have to do a thing!” He emphasized over & again. So when a friend ended up visiting from out of state, I was ecstatic to invite her & our mutual close friend to BBQ with us. They are single moms with 4 toddlers between them & wanted to camp on our land.
We had a great day grilling & running the sprinkler & feeding the animals. Husband had promised stepson would be outside with us all day. Toward the evening, I asked where he was. “Do you see any other teenagers out there? What’s he supposed to do?” I was hurt. “Well I don’t see any 10 year-olds either, but [daughter] is still out there, & you actually said he would spend the whole day with us. I just want some time all together.” Husband knocked on his son’s door & said, “Hey it’s her birthday, it’d be nice if you come out & spend some time with us.” Then he did, & even if it was just a quick basketball game with his dad & he introduced himself to no one, it still meant so much to me.
So later when we had helped friends & toddlers set up a tent & fire in our woods, I hugged husband & thanked him for bringing stepson out with us, saying family time was all I wanted. “You two have such a healthy relationship,” my friend says. At the time, it uplifted him & he said he loved this friend to death. A few hours later, he said it was “hilarious.”
We had invited stepson’s mom, but she was out of town. My coparent joined us however, & he & husband stayed at camp with the moms & toddlers while I went to tuck daughter into bed around 9. We played some trivia to unwind, said a prayer, & I kissed her good night & went to start the dishes. Husband & coparent came back around 11 when I was ready to go to bed myself. They were suddenly on a completely different level as my slow & steady beer intake. Both their legs were gashed & covered in blood from their hike without a flashlight, which they thought was hysterical. They were loud & silly like, “You can’t go to bed, it’s your birrrfday!” & I realized, ah. They were drinking my girls’ tequila.
Coparent went on a drunk spiel thanking me so much for all the love I am, how I keep the family together, this & that & showering me with slurred praise. Husband was drunkenly yet enthusiastically agreeing & thanking me, saying I was the best. I tried staying up with them to be polite but they were so deep in conversation on a different level that I went to go make the baby goat formula for their 5AM feeding & go to bed. But I couldn’t find their bottles. I raised my hand with the men, gradually higher & higher to ask husband if he had seen them. “I see you have your hand raised, but hang on, let me finish this point,” coparent said. So husband finally noticed, & I cut in anyway asking if he had seen them. “As a matter of fact, no, YOU fed the goats last so I have no IDEA where they are,” he raised his voice, literally pointing a finger at me.
That suddenly spiraled into another drunken heated accusation of how much I hate his son. I started crying & saying all I wanted was for him to be with us today & that I was grateful he brought him out. He fought me saying they can never have a good weekend because of me, called me an “@$$hole,” & said “F you ,” 3 times in a row, upsetting me so much as there was absolutely nothing I could say, to the point I slugged him in the arm to get him to stop. This has happened twice before embarrassingly with alcohol, when he just yells & yells things that are not true & curses at me that I can’t even respond vocally. “You see how she treats me?!” Both men of course freaked out & coparent started yelling at me to listen to husband. This essentially turned into 2 hours of incessant berating from both of them. They both cried during their own tangents. It spun out of asking for baby goat bottles & continued til 2 AM with, for the first time, continual threats of divorce.
“You are not in this relationship & do not need to mediate it,” I told coparent.
“Like it or not, I am! How you treat husband affects all of us! His feelings are VALID & you need to be quiet & listen to him!” he said.
“I’ve heard this all before & it is simply not true! I do not hate stepson & he wants to divorce me because he thinks I do!”
“Emotions cause us to say things we don’t mean, he does not want to divorce you & knows you don’t hate him,” coparent said.
“Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe she hates him. And if I have to spend the last 4 years of his youth with my son being constantly criticized, I will absolutely divorce her!”
“I did not criticize him once today! I never criticize him, I am trying to help us become a functional household!”
And he just went round & round in the same circular aggressions that can only hear themselves. I continually begged for them to stop yelling as daughter’s window was open, the baby goats needed sleep, our rabbits didn’t need that stress. But I got yelled at more for that. “You can’t control passion & you need to sit down & LISTEN to your husband!” Coparent kept insisting. But I had heard it all many times before. I even tried to sleep in the goat pen, trying to settle the poor babies, still hearing the men raise their voices about me, how being critical was just my nature, & then got yelled out of there.
Around midnight, I tried to resign again & go back inside to finish dishes when stepson emerged. “Do you know where Dad is?” “Oh he’s outside, you can probably save him from [daughter’s dad].” He went into the bathroom. So I poked my head out while they continued bashing me & said, “Stepson needs you.” “I’ll be right there.” I went back to the dishes. Stepson comes out of the bathroom. As always, flushes, no faucet (or hand-washing). “He says he’ll be right there sweetie.” No words, back into his bedroom. 10 minutes go by & still no husband as I continue the endless dishes. I poke my head out again. “Did you not hear me? Your son needs you.” “ALL RIGHT!”
Turns out he needed dinner. Despite a huge spread of barbecue & potatoes & corn & pasta & salad & veggies & dips, stepson touched none of it & needed his chicken & yellow rice. So husband literally cooked him dinner at 1230AM, all the while continuing to accuse me of hating him whilst doing so.
Coparent authentically apologized the next morning on the phone. “You screamed at me for HOURS when I was ready for bed to listen to falsities I have heard over & over without ONCE trying to hear me.” He got it. He humbled & admitted specific wrongs & I accepted his apology.
“Sorry” does not seem to mean anything when you throw around the “D” word like that though. Husband pledged to stop drinking. To his credit, 3 days later, he still hasn’t. But when I said, “If you think I am capable of hate, you don’t know me at all,” the best apology he could give me was, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you hate him. But I know you don’t like him.” Then, “I don’t want to divorce you. I feel like I ruined our entire lives in one night.”
I told him that this is going to take more than “sorry” to heal, especially where blame is still cast, & he will have to “show” me. I don’t even know how, through more conscientious parenting? We haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 nights. I haven’t cooked for him, but I still clean after him. We finished some homestead projects in near-silence together.
I think I must resign to being the invisible ghost stepson makes me feel like. Do I have ANY role here but to resign & accept his parenting & continue mine with my daughter alone, while he reaps the benefits of an amazing relationship with her? Isolation parenting just like with stepson’s biomom ? If not for my daughter & our animals & gardens, I would just want to lock myself in a room all day too. But that’s what is so hard for me to get. We have nearly 30 acres & this child is permitted to be a blob on a screen living on empty calories all day & night. I cannot & will not blame a child for anything. I told my husband that when a plant isn’t thriving, you nourish it & improve its environment. He said he didn’t get it. And as deeply as I love him & don’t want to even think about divorce, I have never been so unattracted to him.

Single mom only child. My mum moved abroad to give me a better life and education. Went from a rural town in a south east asian community to a large city on the north american south coast. She worked multiple jobs to make ends meet and she still has financial struggles to this day. Was never able to purchase and rent is ballooning, so savings don't exist. She's hitting retirement soon, and I'm trying to figure out how I can support her in her retirement.
Anyways, I have an ok career and have recently purchased a small condo with my partner. We both killed our savings and then some, and half our income now goes to housing. We want to start a family eventually, and viewed this as a way to avoid the ever so ballooning rent. Prior I used to live with my mum and paid about half of the home and grocery expenses, as well as any outings. I don't have that kind of money anymore.
Note: a 2 bedroom condo less than 1000sqf goes for just under a million dollars. A 2 bedroom rental is about 3k. Minimum wage is just over 15 dollars an hour so u can see how difficult it is just to keep a roof above your head and food on the table here.
We are also very close. We would often go on mother daughter trips and were attached at the hip during covid. Moving about an hour away means I can only see her once a week now.
Having the space between us as an adult felt much needed but at the same time I constantly feel guilty cause of all the hard work she's put into giving me this life. Also living the north american life you end up desiring that independancy. I try my best to make the day I do see her eventful. Visit a festival or event in the area, walk in the park, cute cafe or brunch, but as she gets older I get more worried about her quality of life and ability to retire and the fact if I was living with her, her expenses would be halved and she wouldn't be so lonely.
Reasons I was a bit adamant of her living with me and my partner is that when my parents were together when I was young, my mum often got berrated by my grandma (dads mom). There were other issues like my dad being severely depressed and unable to keep a job, but the main reason for their seperation was my grandma. She felt like it wasn't her own space, and always felt like she was being judged and disapproved of. It didn't help my dad never stood up for her. She wanted to move back to SE asia but stayed so I could have a better life. My mum is nothing like my grandma but the idea of living with inlaws just don't float my boat the right way, and I have an irrational fear it could ruin the relationship I have with my partner. He thinks it's fine if she ended up staying with us down the line when she becomes older, but my anxiety immediately goes up cause I remember what my mum went through when i was a kid.
Wondering if anyone else is going through anything similar.
Anyways tldr: my mum worked really hard to get me where i am today. Shes getting older (retirement age), and her financial situation sucks. I feel extremely guilty moving out, and am unsure how to help her as I can barely cover my own expenses.

Here's the story: It's my parents' big anniversary bash, and like a good daughter, I posted a picture of the happy couple celebrating. All's well until my brother, fresh off a breakup, decides it's the perfect platform to air out some dirty laundry about his ex.
His comment was a wild ride, filled with colorful language and enough personal drama to fuel a soap opera for years. I mean, this guy didn't hold back, calling her out for everything from burning his lasagna to ruining his life. I'm watching the comments section blow up like the Fourth of July, and all I can think is, "Good God, Mom's gonna disown us."
So, I did what any semi-responsible sibling would do: I deleted the whole thing. Gone. Poof. Like it never happened.
Now, my brother's mad. Says I "sabotaged his truth" or some nonsense. But let’s be real, would I have been the hero if I let our parents' anniversary post turn into a battleground of broken hearts and burnt pasta?
Reddit, hit me with it. AITA?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WanderingWifie
I'm a gaming widow
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest & Marriage
TRIGGER WARNING: addiction, physical violence
Original Post Apr 20, 2024
How is it not me? Help me understand as a gaming widow
My(38f) husband(34m) spent $1800 in 3 months on a mobile game. He recently started purchasing google play cards behind my back so it's not apparent on the bank statement. I caught him because I found it in our truck under the seat. Now he asks for google play cards...except I'm too scared to say no..he's so mean and cold and the walls have holes from it.
I started going to therapy because he's forced us into living almost below paycheck to paycheck. Ofc we've had multiple convos and he knows he may lose me.
I asked my therapist, "How is it not my fault when the kids and me are his life he's trying to escape?" . My therapist kept repeating, "I promise it's not, this is something within him".
I hate her answer.
Can you help me see it from his view? I feel like he doesn't want to be a father to our kids (2m, 7f). Maybe he doesn't want a life with me and can't admit it? Is therapist trying to coddle me? Like is she worried if she says, "WanderingWifie, you are a shit mom. You are a shit partner. You are a shit person. This is your fault because you're a SAHM and he hates living with you in the life you've created together!" That I'll never come back or hurt myself?
He tells me, "at least I'm here. I could be doing (xyz event away from home)after work". At this point I might as well consider him a "cardboard cutout that's glued to the chair". No, really. Our 2yr son got all the way out the door when I was in the backyard letting the dogs out.
I miss my husband so fucking much. We don't go to bed together anymore. He goes to bed at around 130am. I'm never his focus after the kids go to bed. He thinks he's "present" but I doubt he could tell you the plot of any movie or show we've watched lately. He's glued to it for all but maybe 1-2 waking hours...that's me being generous and counting all total points he briefly engages with us. He gets angry when I ask for help putting the kids to bed because it's in the middle of one of his battle raids.
Please please be brutally honest. I don't want to fight for someone to stay in a life they hate.
My MIL is trying to save me from her own son Apr 21, 2024
It just hit me this morning as I sat processing my most recent appointment. It was at her insistence that I saw a therapist that worked closely with women's health. My MIL is the one that briefed the therapist on the situation with her son and his addiction.
My therapist asked, "Does your MIL know how bad the situation at home can get?".
For a moment I didn't answer and the pieces slowly came together as I spoke, "I didn't need to. She saw the holes in the wall and now the shattered glass in the cabinet. I didn't even have a conversation about the cabinet. She texted me after that she was booking me with you and that a wife should never fear her husband. But I never said I was afraid. She knew.."
I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for my MIL; accepting her son is capable of evil and knowing the therapist would guide me into seeing the addiction and abuse wasn't normal, knowing it would leave to me putting plans in place to leave him. She did this knowing the divorce will be nasty and I will have main custody of the kids.
This woman stood up for other woman over her son and I don't know how to begin to thank her.
Edit: info: FIL & MIL grew up in physically abusive households they are not abusive.
My husband is verbally abusive. The concern is it transferring from holes in the walls/smashed glass to my face being met with his fist. For those that don't see holes in walls as warnings....you are blind the way I was...it can turn on a dime, it's a question of when. I had become so used to it preaddiction that it no longer phased me as "not normal". The addiction has ramped his anger issues up. I do not feel safe saying no when he asks to spend money on it.
Edit 2: I promise to continue to update and make posts. It's hard for me to not delete because this addiction...and what it's done...not only is it not talked about (on the rise according to my therapist and WHO has classified it as a disorder similar to gambling) but people that "don't get it" are like "WHAT A LOSER". Please understand this is a 13 year relationship (married for 9 of them) and he was not always like this. I loved the man I married. I do not love this man that has replaced him.
He said something really mean but it's true Apr 27, 2024
"At least I haven't wasted 30K on an education that resulted in nothing".
We've been fighting a lot...mostly about the mobile game addiction. I don't want to get into it here but it's a lot of money and time. My post history talks more about it.
I started crying on the spot when he said it. It was a low blow for many reasons.

1. I tried several different majors in my 20's but bad mental health got in my way and I failed.
   
2. I graduated last summer from a medical trade there are no jobs for.
   
3. I got fired in Jan (2 weeks from the 90 day probation) from my last job and it devastated me because I tried my hardest at it...I guess I'm just garbage at admin work.
   
4. I've been feeling very lost in life and wondering my purpose. Should I go back to my career I had before the kids? I was just a dog groomer...average at best..I tried to break away with a career change but that failed..as you can see.
   

He has tried to apologize but I'm too hurt. I don't feel like I have the right to be mad because what he said is true.
I was supposed to start volunteering at the animal shelter and groom strays for free as per my therapist's hope to "get me out there". Instead, I'm sitting with my daughter watching movies... not wanting to see the light of day.
Update: My MIL is trying to save me from her own son May 22, 2024
Well...It's been over a month... and a lot happened. He blew up my chance to volunteer at the animal shelter. He did not like it when I got strong and said, "I'm not nothing without you; I have rights, you will owe my alimony, half of the house for starters". So he went after the therapist who also mainly runs the shelter... whatever he said made her not respond to my emails or messages. I believe he accused her of purposely ruining a marriage and probably some legal threat from his response. I'm really sad and feel like I can't trust therapists after this...I worry that maybe I'm too damaged... mostly I wonder what was said. I feel freaking abandoned but I don't want to unpack that in this post tbh.
Last night all hell broke loose and I said the words out loud, "I want a seperation- I'm done". I was/am done with doing all the house chores; (laundry, dishes, all & any house cleaning, pet feeding/walking/poop clean up, all the emotional labor of helping 7f with school & teachers, taking on all the finances because he can't be trusted not to spend stupidly & selfishly). I was/am tired of doing all the potty training with 2m and 95% of diapers. I was/am tired of feeling embarassed to let people in the house because of the holes in walls.
I bet you can guess how well it went. New wall holes. Hooray. I went into the laundry room, locked it, and screamed, "No! You don't come in here! This is my safe space. I will fucking call the cops.".
I stayed there for two hours. He kept trying to get me to come out and talk. I said, "I do not feel like we can have a conversation without fighting. " each time. Then I went to bed and pretended to sleep as he got ready for work (omg I was so happy he got called in).
In the morning I texted my mil that it was over and I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked her to make sure he has support during this time...because...I still love him and don't want him to anything dumb. She responded with simply "We (meaning my fil as well) love you ". Omg I cried. I cried because, as a mother myself, I cannot imagine how painful this is for her.
Later on my husband called me. I listened to that canary sing like his life depended on it. He said he would delete the game or not spend anything on it. He said he would create a chore sch with me so I wouldn't be doing everything.
My heart so badly wanted to believe it. I knew I couldn't give in...he needed to feel the gravity of his fuck ups; the almost 3k he spent on a game in 4 months, preventing me from going to therapy, ruining my chance to restart my former career (dog groomer), and just everything.
So that's all for now...I'm sitting here..at midnight...nervous for when he comes home tomorrow (he's gone 12-48 hours at a time for his job).
Ps. My dad is doing his second round of chemo and so far-so good. They did find cancer in his lymph nodes after surgery..so yes it spread but not as bad as it could be. Thank-you to the redditor's that said such kind things.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
OOP when asked why she is still talking to her husband and doesn't take the kids and leave

It's a funny thing. This is someone I've been with for 13 years. The major shift in everything happened 4 months ago when he found the game. It's not so easy when you've been a sahm for 7 years esp in this job market.
I used to say the same thing as you when I heard of people in abusive situations. All I can say is unless you've been in a situation similar you do not and cannot possibly understand.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Chemical-Scarcity964
Originally posted to AITAH
Previous BoRU
[New Update]: AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?
Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, deaths of loved ones, financial struggles, cancer
RECAP
Original Post: December 3, 2023
I (38F) have been married to my husband (43M) for almost 15 years. My FIL has never really accepted me as family. He referred to me as "my son's wife" for the first 5 years of my marriage & when he convinced us to go halves on a property insisted on only his & my husband's names on a survivors deed, "in case we divorced". In the last few years, he has struggled financially due mostly to poor choices he made. His wife, husband's step mom, is much older & has medical problems leading him to choose to work mostly from home. He has traded in vehicles numerous times in the last few years, supposedly trying to lower his payments, but is always upside-down on the loans that it doesn't work. He is paying close to $1000 a month on a minivan. Now here is my problem.
My FIL is currently trying to guilt trip my husband into giving him one of several vehicles I inherited. I had two uncles pass away 3 weeks apart during the holidays more than a year ago & I am still going through the probate process because they passed so close together. I do not have the court's permission to do anything with their vehicles yet.
He told my husband how much it would help him to have one of the vehicles so that he could let his car go back on repo & not have to make the payments. I may have considered it too, if he had waited more than a couple weeks after my both uncles passed away. I was, quite litterally, knee deep in a horders paradise, trying to clean out their apartment within the month to avoid having to pay rent because i couldnt afford it and had no access to their money (strike one). He picked out which vehicle he wanted, the most valuable of the 4, rather than asking if we had plans for them yet (strike two). Then he asked my husband to give him said vehicle (strike three). As a cherry on top, asked my husband again (still has never asked me) to give him a $10k vehicle after we pay for all the little repairs it needs, of course.
Here is where I might me the Asshole: Do I need the vehicle? No. Could I use the money from its sale? Yes, but I could live without it, too, as our finances are better now. Will I sign it over to him? Never. This is far from the first time that man has shown utter disrespect for me & he can pay for rides before I give him any vehicle. Yes, I am probably being a little childish. The only reason I hesitate, I actually like his wife & it would help her to some extent.
Edit to add: My husband has already told me that the vehicles are mine & I can do whatever I want with them.
Since it's been mentioned a few times: he has been bought out on the property & my name added.
Edit for clarity & to address the most common responses: My husband acts as a buffer against FIL for the sake of my sanity. He has told FIL multiple times that the vehicles are not his to do anything with, but the man is intentionally dense. His wife cannot legally own a car as it cannot be registered in her name (no license) I will not loan/rent him a vehicle as I can't trust that he will maintain it.
 
Relevant Comments
akhoneygirl: Offer him the worst for 3 or 4000!

OP: That's part of it. He wants us to fix & give him the vehicle. All of them need at least a few hundred in repairs. He has no interest in paying us for anything. He is just set on guilt tripping his son. My husband has told me everything from the start & said it's all up to me, my uncles, my vehicles, my decision.

SawwhetMA: So FIL set you up to lose out on a property if your SO passed away before FIL did? I'm glad to hear you bought him out and that's set now . If you find it in your heart to give him one of the vehicles then you may be a better person than I because I'm not sure if I could, given the history. What if (when probate is set and all) you offer to rent him one of the vehicles? Obviously that isn't what he wants, but you'd get some income but still own it to sell it when he was done with the vehicle?
Good luck!

OP: He would run it into the ground & I would end up having to go get it when he refused to pay. It's just frustrating because I like his wife & would consider doing it to help her, if he would just man up & ask. Instead, he tries to play the poor me card.

Dixieland_Insanity: INFO:
How does he know what you're inheriting from your uncles. Why does he think he's entitles to any of it?

OP: He knew my uncles fairly well since they were basically the last of my family. He doesn't really know what the full inheritance is, but the vehicles were the most obvious. He has told him no a couple of times. Everything FIL gets tight on funds he asks again.

Cdn_Giants_Fan: Not The A•H. But that said I would probably sell him one of the vehicles for its bluebook value and say pay 100 bucks a week. And if he says anything about it saybthat perhaps if you weren't such an asshat to me I would've just let you have it. Then if he starts being nice after it's partially paid off tell him hes good. He learns a lesson and you earn some money.

OP: I would never see a dime. He thinks that being "the father" means he is owed something from my husband and, by extension, me. Honestly, even if he offered me full value in cash, I would probably laugh at him & tell him to shove off.

VadersLoversLover: Gift it to your MIL with a lien on it so he can’t change to title.

OP: Due to a medical issue, she can't drive and had to surrender her license. That makes it impossible to register it in her name because she can't be insured as a driver.

 
Update #1: December 11, 2023
You guys asked for an update, so here you go. I have had a long talk with my husband about FIL & his "request" for one of the vehicles I had inherited. I showed him my original post & he got a good laugh out of some of the suggestions (especially the toy car). We have agreed that the only way to handle his constant hints & requests, is for me to draft an email to him. For reference: FIL loves to send me rude & demanding emails when he "feels unheard."
The email will not be sent until I know that probate is done & is as "polite & civil" as I can possibly write it. The jist of the email I typed up is this:
"I understand that you have been asking husband to gift you one of my uncles' vehicles. Unfortunately, you have chosen to speak to the wrong person. I have told you before that, in some things, his business is his & mine is mine. The vehicles that you keep asking about are mine. As such, I have decided that they will be sold at a fair market value. The funds will be split evenly into savings accounts for my daughters, as a seed for their futures. I already have buyers lined up for the vehicles & will be arranging times for them to be collected shortly. I hope you can understand my desire to ensure that my childrens' futures are secure, as my uncles would have wanted."
I am tempted to sign it as "husband's wife" but am undecided right now.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Your thoughts & support helped me a lot. I was genuinely on the fence as to whether or not I was being too sensitive about everything. You were all amazing & supportive about the entire mess. I just hope that this email to him puts an end to his covert begging once & for all (at least about this). And yes, my husband is behind me 100% and has no issues with my approach.
 

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: May 22, 2024 (five months later)
A few people have reached out to ask so here it goes.
Everything is finally settled. The vehicles are sold, except one I decided to keep for my oldest to learn on when she gets her permit.
I didn't send my FIL the email, although I do still have it saved. Turns out I won't have to. As of a few weeks ago, I am getting a divorce. My, now stbx, husband decided that he no longer wants to play house. He moved out & I am in the process of packing his things. Since the vehicles and my house were all inherited, he has no claim to them or the money from their sale. Yes I double checked the law in my state. If he would have waited a few more weeks, I would have paid off every debt we had, but he didn't. So he saved me a bunch of money by telling me before I commingled my inheritance funds with joint assets.
I don't know how his family will act towards me & our kids when he finally tells them all. His brother has called to make sure he is still allowed to keep in touch but he is the only one I've heard from so far.
Oh and as a bonus: the week before I found out about my impending divorce, my mother (who I was never close to) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away a week later. She was 58 years old, the same age my uncles were. So, yeah, it's basically just me & my kids against the world now.
Anyway, that's the update.
Relevant Comments
OOP on moving forward with her life and personal issues going on in her family especially health issues

OOP: Thank you. Its kinda sad that your kind words are enough to make me want to cry because it's expected that I am the strong one for everyone else. I don't really get to give myself time to be weak. And you are right. If it were not for my kids, I probably would have been completely broken.
My uncles had other health problems, no cancer at all that I know of & most of our family lived into their 70s and 80s. I am definitely working on getting my little health concerns checked out, though.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

So I have a 3y old daughter and recently she's been dreading bruising her teeth, she says she hates the feeling of it and says it's boring
She's been asking if she can skip it and I've been explaining why she has too, and she's understanding why we have to brush our teeth, but hates it anyways
The other problem is that anytime she's at her moms house (like 6 days a month), her mom doesn't male her
Is there any way to make brushing her teeth funner for her?