I have a lump under my chin on the right side
I think God might be real, just not in the way you think
2024.05.15 20:13 Weathers_Writing I think God might be real, just not in the way you think
When I was three years old I was in a really bad car accident. I didn't know it at the time, but that singular event would come to define everything about my life moving forward. What I remember about the accident is mostly a collage of backdated comments I was able to reel out of my father in the following years. He was driving me and my mom in his old '91 Chevy Tahoe through the twisting backroads of Southern Illinois, weaving his way through the gnarled branches of oak trees which interlocked into a braided ceiling overhead. A fog had rolled in, giving the impression that we were driving through a cloudy tube. Everything was simultaneously bright and opaque. I didn't mind though, as I was in the back seat working on a coloring book. My mom was in the front, talking with my dad or turning around to entertain my completed pictures.
Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*
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Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*
2024.05.15 20:10 kabhes From Drugs To Meat: Chapter 12
[First] [Previous]
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
I idly waited in the empty restaurant for this mister Gilt. His secretary had sent me a message saying that he was underway. It’s weird how his secretary has refused to make any phone or face calls, and has only contacted me through messages. It shouldn’t matter though, so long as this Mr. Gilt is a level-headed and reputable leaser.
My train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the jingling of the bell above the entrance. Walking through the doorway had to be the most veteran-looking exterminator I have ever seen. He wore 3 exterminator badges, but far more impressive than that was how he was covered in scars. They were concentrated especially heavily around his neck, most likely from predators attempting to bite through his throat, and somehow he’d survived so many attacks. What did puzzle me further though was how unevenly his fur was shaven and the strange look in his eyes, one that I could not place. “Hello. Mister Gilt, I presume?”
“The one and only. I’m here for the interview and to see the restaurant.” I now noticed that he was wearing a pawsfree headset. Its green light was blinking, like it was on.
“I’m sorry, but are you having a call right now?”
“No! No, I am a very busy venlil and always wear this in case I get an important call.” A bit strange, but I suppose not too out of the ordinary.
“Well, could you tell something about yourself?”
“As you can see, Gilt, er, I have spend decades removing the taint of Venlil Prime and keeping the population safe,” Gilt said in a rather strange way, like he was reading it off a paper; maybe he had memorized the line, expecting the question during the interview. “Now that I’m retired from that lifestyle, I have begun investing my well-earned money in small businesses.”
“That all sounds good. Your secretary already gave me most of the information I needed, like how you’re going to turn this place into a salad-based restaurant; he called it a ‘salad house.’ And I’m sure that I don’t have to ask you what your policy on humans is.” I gave a small chuckle, imagining a veteran exterminator like him welcoming humans warmly into his restaurant.
“You don’t have to worry about me or any employee of mine ever accepting those tainted scum into my establishment. I can’t wait for Veln to be voted in, he will surely make sure that those filthy humans will be cast off our magnificent Venlil Prime,” Gilt said, again quite stiff. He might just be nervous.
“Rightfully said, he sure has my vote.” Speaking of humans, is that one across the street? Over Gilt’s shoulder, I spotted a human making a phone call in an old, rusted-up van. He was looking straight at me, up until he noticed I was looking back and quickly looked away. With relief, I noticed that a pair of exterminators were walking straight towards the car. The human seemed to end his phone call and opened up a window to speak to the exterminators. With that small problem solved, I turned my attention back to Gilt, who seemed to be panicking a bit. I suppose even someone with nerves of steel as him can get nervous over simple things like an interview. He pressed a button on the pawsfree headset, and the blinking light turned off.
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Another day, another pointless patrol. I wish they would give us something real to do. But with all those ‘animal’ welfare laws and us no longer being allowed to lock up anyone with predator disease, we have nothing left to do but roam the streets in the hopes we find something that we are allowed to do. My prayers were answered, because not 10 meters ahead of us, I saw a human sitting in the passenger seat of a terribly beat-up van covered in rust and algae. Weirdly enough, it had a sideview mirror on the driver’s side. Finally, something to do. “Come on Cuko, I see a human let’s see if it’s hiding something,” I chirped to my venlil partner.
“Please be nice to them, they hardly ever do anything wrong.” She’s so kind, too bad that she sometimes focuses it on the wrong kind.
I tapped against the window with the talon of my right wing, and the human quickly ended a call and began to crank the window open by hand. “Hey, if it isn’t Burny-bird, how are you two doing?” he said, switching glances between me and my partner.
All of a sudden, I recognized the human’s face; it was the same one that purposely angered me last month [chapter 2]. “Get out of the car,” I demanded while I unholstered my flamethrower.
The human casually placed his arm in the window and calmly asked, “Why, what have I done?” Cuko behind me signed with her tail in agreement.
“Random search, now get out of the vehicle.”
“Sure, ‘random,’ totally not out of some bias to antagonize a specific species,” he said sarcastically as he got out of the car with one hand raised while the other opened the door.
Cuko guided him to the front of the car for a pat down. “Please place your claws on the hood and spread your hindlegs.” If evolving into predators wasn’t enough, they had to be completely bald too. With all those false pelts, humans can hide so many dangerous items without anyone being the wiser.
I wretched when I looked into the car; the floor was littered with mouldy cans of vegetables, nearly empty save for the rotting scraps and overgrown utensils. “W-why?”
The human spoke up while he was being patted down by my partner, “I know what you’re looking at —ough, careful with those nails— and those are not mine, all that junk is from the owner, my friend. I have been urging him to clean it up, and I’ve even thought about doing it for him, but he really should learn to take care of himself.”
I began to sift through the junk, relieved that I am covered from talon to neck in a rubber fireproof suit, not having to coat my feathers in this filth. Outside, I heard that Cuko hadn’t found anything dangerous or illegal on it, and that its name was ‘Maarten.’ I was about to give up on finding anything until I pulled a lever on a small rectangular object I found in the glovebox, and a small knife flipped out. “Aha, got you now filthy predator. Why do you have this?”
“That’s a pocketknife, that’s just a tool. I have it in the glovebox with the rest of my tools to keep this hunk of rust running.”
My partner spoke up with a concerned look on her face, “It’s not illegal to own a knife that small. You probably have bigger ones in your kitchen drawer, we can’t arrest him for that.”
It looked away from me and continued looking at Cuko, as it did before I spoke up. I shudder imagining what predatory thoughts lie behind those binocular-eyes.
Transcription Subject: Maarten de Groot, Human Refugee/Meat dealer
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Don’t pet her, don’t pet her, she has a flamethrower.
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Giving up on finding anything in the front, I slid open the side door, revealing even more junk. At least these look more promising…and not covered in mould. Why is there a dishwasher and 5 blenders in here? “I noticed that the wool on the top of your head is a lot more puffy then on most venlil,” the human carelessly remarked. Of course, it’s going to point out her insecurities, typical predators.
“It is, you don’t have to mention it,” Cuko replied in an annoyed tone.
“It looks good on you, it’s cute.” What?!
“Oh, er, thank you…very much.” I can’t listen to this, she’s to naïve to understand that it’s just tricking her. I continued searching the back of the van for anything, traces of meat, weapons, dead venlil. I opened up one of the 3 large boxes that were hidden behind a piece of plywood that was haplessly placed there. There was a cool box inside. Jackpot! To my disappointment, it was empty, and so was the next one, and the one after that. Stil,l though, why would anyone have these hidden away like this?
“Why are there 3 cool boxes hidden away in the back in back?” I asked, demanding an answer from the human and interrupting it from its conversation with my partner.
“I don’t know, why is any of that stuff in there? On our way over here, we saw a dishwasher on the side of the road and he threw it- well he asked me to throw it in the back.” This is going nowhere.
Transcription Subject: Fink, Landlord/Veln supporter
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
“And that is why you should never combine drain cleaner and aluminium in a metal canister,” Gilt said, finishing his strange explanation.
“Huh, I never knew how to make an acid bomb. Shall we begin with the tour?,” I asked, finally cutting off Gilt’s rambling about chemistry. What a strange person.
The dining area wasn’t much to look at, it was completely empty save for a bar that was bolted to the floor, hence why the previous renters didn’t take it with them. Gilt walked around seemingly at random, looking at the outlets and taking a glance at the empty shelves behind the bar. “Are these taps pressured by gas?,” Gilt asked while he pulled on a lever and being briefly disappointed by the lack of alcohol.
“Yes, I think there was room for 2 canisters, but I have to look that up. May I ask you something? Why do you know so much about chemistry as an exterminator?” Gilt’s tail suddenly began flicking nervously left and right.
“Uhhh, uhhh, I uhh, studied it, yes, I studied it, but I was better cut as an exterminator.” I was unable to get a proper read on him; he sounds like he’s lying or at least nervous about something.
“Shall we take a look at the kitchen?”
“Yes!” Gilt nearly yelled, and he instantly got up and speed walked through the kitchen door. When I walked through the door, he was fawning over the industrial freezer lined against the wall. “This thing is big enough to fit a body inside…hypothetically.”
“…Yes, it would be very useful for you for keeping your vegetables preserved. There is also plenty of counter space, and even a strayu-oven,” I said, doing my best sales pitch.
Gilt immediately took a liking to the oven. “Can this thing make other stuff too?”
“Well, it’s a strayu-oven. I don’t know what else you want to make with it, especially in a salad-house.”
“I don’t know! Perhaps other food that needs to be warm?” Gilt said dismissively, his tail nervously flicking left and right. I think he’s just very nervous.
“I am quite glad you’re an exterminator,” I said, trying to relieve the awkwardness. “I really don’t want to have any humans in any of my buildings, especially not after what I heard on the news not a quarter claw ago.”
He gave a confused ear flick. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s all over the news. Some humans blew up the front of the exchange program headquarters. Those dangerous predators should have never been allowed to stay on our planet.”
Gilt his ears folded back and showed a snarl, something hardly any venlil did and combined with the fact that he looked so dangerous made me instinctively back up. “Those sons of farsuls, I will make them pay! Humanity First is making the humans’ reputation even worse!”
“Calm down sir, you’re no longer part of the force.” He really takes this personally. You can take the exterminator out of the guild, but you can’t take the guild out of the exterminator. “Hey, you seem like a good leaser for this place.” And the only participant. I quickly said, hoping to change the subject. He was a bit intense before, but now, he was starting to scare me. It’s not like I trust this man, but I need to lease this place out too not go under. To many leasers and renters pulled out after going bankrupt, after Venlil Prime left the Federation. All because Tarva wanted to sleep with a predator.
Miraculoisly this seemed to work miraculously, “Oh, great, where do I sign?” His ears lifted up again into a happy expression, though only for only a short moment until his pawsfree headset went off and he immediately answered it. The green light began blinking once again. “What?...No…No…Yes…I already did it, without your help…bye…bye!”
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
I noticed Cuko was looking a bit confused at a piece of paper with some venlilian writing on it. “What do you have there?”
“That human from just then, gave me his phone number for some reason.” She’s too naïve for this line of work.
A/N:
As always I really appreciate comments, it gives a lot more satisfaction than a few up arrows.
A special thanks to u/InstantSquirrelSoup for proofreading. Check out his fic: Arxur Hospitality
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submitted by kabhes to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
A quick thanks to u/aMANTEIGAdo for the Liiry fanartTranscription Subject: Fink, Landlord/Veln supporter
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
I idly waited in the empty restaurant for this mister Gilt. His secretary had sent me a message saying that he was underway. It’s weird how his secretary has refused to make any phone or face calls, and has only contacted me through messages. It shouldn’t matter though, so long as this Mr. Gilt is a level-headed and reputable leaser.
My train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the jingling of the bell above the entrance. Walking through the doorway had to be the most veteran-looking exterminator I have ever seen. He wore 3 exterminator badges, but far more impressive than that was how he was covered in scars. They were concentrated especially heavily around his neck, most likely from predators attempting to bite through his throat, and somehow he’d survived so many attacks. What did puzzle me further though was how unevenly his fur was shaven and the strange look in his eyes, one that I could not place. “Hello. Mister Gilt, I presume?”
“The one and only. I’m here for the interview and to see the restaurant.” I now noticed that he was wearing a pawsfree headset. Its green light was blinking, like it was on.
“I’m sorry, but are you having a call right now?”
“No! No, I am a very busy venlil and always wear this in case I get an important call.” A bit strange, but I suppose not too out of the ordinary.
“Well, could you tell something about yourself?”
“As you can see, Gilt, er, I have spend decades removing the taint of Venlil Prime and keeping the population safe,” Gilt said in a rather strange way, like he was reading it off a paper; maybe he had memorized the line, expecting the question during the interview. “Now that I’m retired from that lifestyle, I have begun investing my well-earned money in small businesses.”
“That all sounds good. Your secretary already gave me most of the information I needed, like how you’re going to turn this place into a salad-based restaurant; he called it a ‘salad house.’ And I’m sure that I don’t have to ask you what your policy on humans is.” I gave a small chuckle, imagining a veteran exterminator like him welcoming humans warmly into his restaurant.
“You don’t have to worry about me or any employee of mine ever accepting those tainted scum into my establishment. I can’t wait for Veln to be voted in, he will surely make sure that those filthy humans will be cast off our magnificent Venlil Prime,” Gilt said, again quite stiff. He might just be nervous.
“Rightfully said, he sure has my vote.” Speaking of humans, is that one across the street? Over Gilt’s shoulder, I spotted a human making a phone call in an old, rusted-up van. He was looking straight at me, up until he noticed I was looking back and quickly looked away. With relief, I noticed that a pair of exterminators were walking straight towards the car. The human seemed to end his phone call and opened up a window to speak to the exterminators. With that small problem solved, I turned my attention back to Gilt, who seemed to be panicking a bit. I suppose even someone with nerves of steel as him can get nervous over simple things like an interview. He pressed a button on the pawsfree headset, and the blinking light turned off.
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Another day, another pointless patrol. I wish they would give us something real to do. But with all those ‘animal’ welfare laws and us no longer being allowed to lock up anyone with predator disease, we have nothing left to do but roam the streets in the hopes we find something that we are allowed to do. My prayers were answered, because not 10 meters ahead of us, I saw a human sitting in the passenger seat of a terribly beat-up van covered in rust and algae. Weirdly enough, it had a sideview mirror on the driver’s side. Finally, something to do. “Come on Cuko, I see a human let’s see if it’s hiding something,” I chirped to my venlil partner.
“Please be nice to them, they hardly ever do anything wrong.” She’s so kind, too bad that she sometimes focuses it on the wrong kind.
I tapped against the window with the talon of my right wing, and the human quickly ended a call and began to crank the window open by hand. “Hey, if it isn’t Burny-bird, how are you two doing?” he said, switching glances between me and my partner.
All of a sudden, I recognized the human’s face; it was the same one that purposely angered me last month [chapter 2]. “Get out of the car,” I demanded while I unholstered my flamethrower.
The human casually placed his arm in the window and calmly asked, “Why, what have I done?” Cuko behind me signed with her tail in agreement.
“Random search, now get out of the vehicle.”
“Sure, ‘random,’ totally not out of some bias to antagonize a specific species,” he said sarcastically as he got out of the car with one hand raised while the other opened the door.
Cuko guided him to the front of the car for a pat down. “Please place your claws on the hood and spread your hindlegs.” If evolving into predators wasn’t enough, they had to be completely bald too. With all those false pelts, humans can hide so many dangerous items without anyone being the wiser.
I wretched when I looked into the car; the floor was littered with mouldy cans of vegetables, nearly empty save for the rotting scraps and overgrown utensils. “W-why?”
The human spoke up while he was being patted down by my partner, “I know what you’re looking at —ough, careful with those nails— and those are not mine, all that junk is from the owner, my friend. I have been urging him to clean it up, and I’ve even thought about doing it for him, but he really should learn to take care of himself.”
I began to sift through the junk, relieved that I am covered from talon to neck in a rubber fireproof suit, not having to coat my feathers in this filth. Outside, I heard that Cuko hadn’t found anything dangerous or illegal on it, and that its name was ‘Maarten.’ I was about to give up on finding anything until I pulled a lever on a small rectangular object I found in the glovebox, and a small knife flipped out. “Aha, got you now filthy predator. Why do you have this?”
“That’s a pocketknife, that’s just a tool. I have it in the glovebox with the rest of my tools to keep this hunk of rust running.”
My partner spoke up with a concerned look on her face, “It’s not illegal to own a knife that small. You probably have bigger ones in your kitchen drawer, we can’t arrest him for that.”
It looked away from me and continued looking at Cuko, as it did before I spoke up. I shudder imagining what predatory thoughts lie behind those binocular-eyes.
Transcription Subject: Maarten de Groot, Human Refugee/Meat dealer
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Don’t pet her, don’t pet her, she has a flamethrower.
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
Giving up on finding anything in the front, I slid open the side door, revealing even more junk. At least these look more promising…and not covered in mould. Why is there a dishwasher and 5 blenders in here? “I noticed that the wool on the top of your head is a lot more puffy then on most venlil,” the human carelessly remarked. Of course, it’s going to point out her insecurities, typical predators.
“It is, you don’t have to mention it,” Cuko replied in an annoyed tone.
“It looks good on you, it’s cute.” What?!
“Oh, er, thank you…very much.” I can’t listen to this, she’s to naïve to understand that it’s just tricking her. I continued searching the back of the van for anything, traces of meat, weapons, dead venlil. I opened up one of the 3 large boxes that were hidden behind a piece of plywood that was haplessly placed there. There was a cool box inside. Jackpot! To my disappointment, it was empty, and so was the next one, and the one after that. Stil,l though, why would anyone have these hidden away like this?
“Why are there 3 cool boxes hidden away in the back in back?” I asked, demanding an answer from the human and interrupting it from its conversation with my partner.
“I don’t know, why is any of that stuff in there? On our way over here, we saw a dishwasher on the side of the road and he threw it- well he asked me to throw it in the back.” This is going nowhere.
Transcription Subject: Fink, Landlord/Veln supporter
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
“And that is why you should never combine drain cleaner and aluminium in a metal canister,” Gilt said, finishing his strange explanation.
“Huh, I never knew how to make an acid bomb. Shall we begin with the tour?,” I asked, finally cutting off Gilt’s rambling about chemistry. What a strange person.
The dining area wasn’t much to look at, it was completely empty save for a bar that was bolted to the floor, hence why the previous renters didn’t take it with them. Gilt walked around seemingly at random, looking at the outlets and taking a glance at the empty shelves behind the bar. “Are these taps pressured by gas?,” Gilt asked while he pulled on a lever and being briefly disappointed by the lack of alcohol.
“Yes, I think there was room for 2 canisters, but I have to look that up. May I ask you something? Why do you know so much about chemistry as an exterminator?” Gilt’s tail suddenly began flicking nervously left and right.
“Uhhh, uhhh, I uhh, studied it, yes, I studied it, but I was better cut as an exterminator.” I was unable to get a proper read on him; he sounds like he’s lying or at least nervous about something.
“Shall we take a look at the kitchen?”
“Yes!” Gilt nearly yelled, and he instantly got up and speed walked through the kitchen door. When I walked through the door, he was fawning over the industrial freezer lined against the wall. “This thing is big enough to fit a body inside…hypothetically.”
“…Yes, it would be very useful for you for keeping your vegetables preserved. There is also plenty of counter space, and even a strayu-oven,” I said, doing my best sales pitch.
Gilt immediately took a liking to the oven. “Can this thing make other stuff too?”
“Well, it’s a strayu-oven. I don’t know what else you want to make with it, especially in a salad-house.”
“I don’t know! Perhaps other food that needs to be warm?” Gilt said dismissively, his tail nervously flicking left and right. I think he’s just very nervous.
“I am quite glad you’re an exterminator,” I said, trying to relieve the awkwardness. “I really don’t want to have any humans in any of my buildings, especially not after what I heard on the news not a quarter claw ago.”
He gave a confused ear flick. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s all over the news. Some humans blew up the front of the exchange program headquarters. Those dangerous predators should have never been allowed to stay on our planet.”
Gilt his ears folded back and showed a snarl, something hardly any venlil did and combined with the fact that he looked so dangerous made me instinctively back up. “Those sons of farsuls, I will make them pay! Humanity First is making the humans’ reputation even worse!”
“Calm down sir, you’re no longer part of the force.” He really takes this personally. You can take the exterminator out of the guild, but you can’t take the guild out of the exterminator. “Hey, you seem like a good leaser for this place.” And the only participant. I quickly said, hoping to change the subject. He was a bit intense before, but now, he was starting to scare me. It’s not like I trust this man, but I need to lease this place out too not go under. To many leasers and renters pulled out after going bankrupt, after Venlil Prime left the Federation. All because Tarva wanted to sleep with a predator.
Miraculoisly this seemed to work miraculously, “Oh, great, where do I sign?” His ears lifted up again into a happy expression, though only for only a short moment until his pawsfree headset went off and he immediately answered it. The green light began blinking once again. “What?...No…No…Yes…I already did it, without your help…bye…bye!”
Transcription Subject: Vuccen, Krakotl Exterminator
Date [standardized human time]: February 24, 2137
I noticed Cuko was looking a bit confused at a piece of paper with some venlilian writing on it. “What do you have there?”
“That human from just then, gave me his phone number for some reason.” She’s too naïve for this line of work.
A/N:
As always I really appreciate comments, it gives a lot more satisfaction than a few up arrows.
A special thanks to u/InstantSquirrelSoup for proofreading. Check out his fic: Arxur Hospitality
[First] [Previous]
2024.05.15 20:09 Weathers_Writing I think God might be real, just not in the way you think
When I was three years old I was in a really bad car accident. I didn't know it at the time, but that singular event would come to define everything about my life moving forward. What I remember about the accident is mostly a collage of backdated comments I was able to reel out of my father in the following years. He was driving me and my mom in his old '91 Chevy Tahoe through the twisting backroads of Southern Illinois, weaving his way through the gnarled branches of oak trees which interlocked into a braided ceiling overhead. A fog had rolled in, giving the impression that we were driving through a cloudy tube. Everything was simultaneously bright and opaque. I didn't mind though, as I was in the back seat working on a coloring book. My mom was in the front, talking with my dad or turning around to entertain my completed pictures.
Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*
submitted by Weathers_Writing to nosleep [link] [comments]
Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*
2024.05.15 20:09 BainshieWrites [NoP Fanfic] Of Mangos and Murder: Chapter 2
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u/spacepaladin15 's universe.
Memory transcription subject: Estala, Junior Exterminator, ‘Little Yortu’ Colony Cleanup Division
Date [standardized human time]: July 27th, 2125
Everything hurt.
There was dirt and dust between each of my feathers and every single muscle ached and screamed in protest. I wanted to pluck every feather off of my skin and soak forever in warm water until I stopped feeling this way.
Sadly, I didn't have time for that since I, along with the 4 other junior Exterminators of my squad, stood to attention as our commander stared each of us down as he walked among us with his pristine feathers and dirt free uniform. A stark difference to the 5 of us who had actually done the work.
“Very good job squad. Sector UG-4 is now considered cleansed of all predatory taint. We have done a good job today!”
We? That was a very strong word to use, as Officer Parsim had done nothing but sit and ‘direct’ us instead of actually aiding us like he should have according to regulations. Of course, giving the idiot a flamer to use would probably end with him setting himself on fire, so perhaps it was for the best.
“Yes sir, although it would have gone faster had you completely filled the flamer canisters before we left, and-”
“Junior Exterminator Estala! As always, I did not ask for your opinion or commentary.”
I could see Parsim’s feathers bristling with anger as I spoke up. Neither of us liked the other, both for the same reason. Parsim was incompetent. The most incompetent person I had ever met. I could never understand how someone as incompetent and lazy as this Krakotl had managed to become even a standard officer, let alone in charge of a squad of Junior Exterminators. If there was a task required to be completed, the officer would fail to do so, and if they did do anything, they did it with a complete lack of preparation or adherence to even the simplest of regulations.
“Also sir, having only 5 people accomplishing the task instead of six, results in the lack of a rear guard. This is counter to the suggested den clearing process defined in appendix PTY-61, which-”
“I said I did not ask! Since you are always so knowledgeable about what should be done, you can use that experience as a Junior Exterminator and show ‘leadership’ by taking tonight’s guard duty.”
Parsim didn’t like me because I would continually point out his incompetence, not that I planned on stopping. Originally I had assumed the seasoned officer had his reasons for these mistakes, that experience would show some avenue for Extermination I didn’t foresee.
However, it had been six months. Six months of blatant incompetence. I couldn’t hold my beak for that long, every bird has her limit. Every rule he broke, every time he failed, it put people’s lives in danger. No matter how many admonishments or punishments he doled out, I at least had to try before something bad happened. Not that the officer looked like he was going to change, at least before my last few months here on the colony were up.
“Yes sir.”
I stated these words with as little annoyance as possible, deciding not to push the issue further. Fighting for this idiot to actually become competent was something for another day, for now I wanted rest. Rest of the predators and their piercing eyes, blood soaked claws and large rows of grinning teeth.
“Good. Dismissed, get cleaned up.”
The five of us filtered towards the temporary barracks, wings and bodies aching as the day's events took their toll on us. Crawling through dirt tunnels, tracking down dens, and eradicating them was a strenuous task, only slightly washed away with warm water and a new uniform. I eventually made my way back to my room and crawled onto my perch. I wanted to sleep, but the upcoming guard duty made that impossible, giving me half an hour to rest instead.
“I don’t get why you keep antagonizing him, Estala. He’s not going to change and you’re just going to get his ire.”
Talsim entered the rooms, a concerned look in his eyes as my bunkmate and fellow Junior Exterminator took his own perch next to mine. Somehow, after a whole day of crawling through predator infested tunnels, he still managed to look fabulous after a shower and basic preen.
“Because he’s going to get someone killed,” I responded. “Even today, I noticed he was constantly staying as far away from the predators as possible. If anything went wrong… I don’t understand how he’s even an Exterminator.”
“Dad says a lot of people join just for the prestige, then freak out whenever an actual predator appears.”
Talsim was the complete opposite to Parsim, smart, capable, with family ties to the Exterminators. A bright spot in the otherwise rather depressing past few months. The planet was infested with mammalian predators, larger than a Krakotl, teeth a doorway to their cruelty, eyes glowing yellow in the dark.
I had indeed gained more experience with predators than I could ever want on this planet, and seen the results of their evils inflicted upon my fellow Exterminators as we cleared out this new colony for the Krakotl people.
Frankly, I was looking forward to being back on Nishtal.
The two of us sat in silence as we both tried to get our energy back from the gruelling day’s tasks, as the minutes continued to tick by. Talsim continually fidgeted and glanced around, as if he had something on his mind as I sat there trying not to fall asleep.
“Estala…” He said, finally hitting the courage to break the silence. “I… I really don’t like clearing out the dens. The way they… I know they’re predators but…”
I knew exactly what Talsim was talking about. I didn’t like doing them either.’ Not because of the danger, but because of the aftermath. The smell of burning fur flesh, the sounds they made while fire consumed their predatory taint, the helplessness of the predator pups.
No, I knew exactly what Talsim meant. But it had to be done, for the safety of the herd.
“I think… I think everyone thinks that way, Talsim. That’s what makes us prey: our empathy. Even though we know it has to be done, we know it’s not noble work. But it is necessary. I just think that most Exterminators prefer to avoid talking about it, because we know how many lives we’re saving by removing the predators.”
“Not everyone. Quala seems to be very happy.”
I gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of the other Junior Exterminator. She always seemed to take full glee at the destruction of predator dens, eyes alight with joy as fire rained down upon her predatory enemies.
“There is something wrong with her. It might not be predator disease but… something.”
“I dunno, it just feels like everyone else knows what they’re doing. You with your rules, Quala taking down predator dens, and so on. I know my dad wanted me to get into the family business, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this.”
I couldn’t help but feel a level of despair at such words coming out of the beak of Talsim. The Krakotl had become my best friend over these last six months, funny, kind-hearted, and actually competent. The thought of him leaving the Exterminators, not thinking he was good enough…
“Nonsense! You are brave and do the right thing when you need to. There’s nobody else I’d rather have protecting my back against the predators. You’re already a better exterminator than Parsim.”
“A pile of rocks with a flamer draped on top would be a better Exterminator…”
We both laughed at that, the tension in the room evaporating as we both commiserated over the incompetence of the Exterminator Officer in charge of our squad.
“See, if he can make it, you definitely can. Remember: we’ll be full officers with colony expedition experience once we’re done here, not juniors any more! I’ll transfer to your department, we can work side by side, rise in the ranks, and keep Nishtal safe together.”
“Yeah, that does sound nice.”
“Estala and Talsim, Exterminating duo extreme! The Arxur won’t know what hit them!”
—----------------------
Memory transcription subject: Estala, Human Methods Advisor to the Exterminators.
Date [standardized human time]: March 6th, 2137
How did people do this? Seriously, what did normal people do in their free time? Joseph was out doing something predatory with his cats, leaving me alone in the apartment to chill out. I was sad, comfortable on my perch, a large fluffy blanket wrapped around my body as I cradled a cup of warm mango tea in my hands. I was supposed to be relaxing and letting my body heal…
So why couldn’t I relax?
Scrolling Bleat and the endless discussion about the war and predators didn’t keep me calm and there was only so much daytime TV one bird could watch. Going outside was out of the question as I’d inevitably see something that needed fixing, ending with me doing work again. So I tried to relax in silence, the curtains drawn across the window creating a nice darkness to calm down in as I tried to slow my breathing. It didn’t work, I wanted to be out there, doing good in the world, anything other than sitting here.
It wasn’t always like this, what did you do on your time off?
Well there was the Krakotl reality TV show “Wings of Love”, which was a guilty pleasure of mine. I was a fan of the Diva Scene in southern Nishtal. Occasionally I’d follow speed flying, especially since the local Skalga athletes generally did very well on the galactic level due to the increased gravity here.
Oh, I’m seeing the problem. None of those things exist any more, Nishtal is gone.
Work had been a perfect distraction from the whirlwind of painful changes over the last 6 months of my life. Nishtal was no more, every single algae bar or Diva stand I’d ever visited was destroyed, every single person I knew was probably dead. While I hadn’t been there for nearly three years, it was still… home. I wasn’t close with anyone on Nishtal any more, but there were still good people I knew…. had known there.
Even the Extermination Fleet had contained Exterminators I considered good people, lied to by the Federation and tricked into committing a horrible crime. Heck, if I was being honest with myself, I would have been just one more name on those ships if I hadn’t been stationed on Skalga when all this began.
It’s kinda ironic that Kalsim managed to kill far more Krakotl than humans with his actions… the bastard.
Then there were the other thoughts that constantly bombarded my mind. The omnivore reveal, the amount of murders I’d let happen under my watch, the revelations about the PD facilities, the ecological damage I’d caused on every planet I’d been stationed on…
Nope nope nope nope. Let’s stop thinking about this. Distract myself with anything, anything at all.
I opened my work email, using work once again as a distracting refuge, only to see an actually important email that required my response.
Re: Dawncreek Exterminators reform and restructure.
Unprofessional insults aside, I didn’t blame him too much considering what had happened at Dawn Creek. I wasn’t completely against the idea of copying the humans in that regard, if it wasn’t for the simple issue: It wasn’t working. While in the short term the district was better off without the shambolic incompetent idiots who used to ‘protect’ the area, the long term solution wasn’t trusting their safety with police officers who could hardly look a human in the eyes without fainting.
FederationColdCases.human.fed.vp
A human created site, dedicated to parsing through “Predator Attacks” and working out which ones were actually murders, which ones I had failed my duties on. There were a lot of murders originally classified as predator attacks. That realisation had broken me. Prey murdered prey as if they were predators, meaning there were no prey or predators in the galaxy, only people.
They also tended to dump every password they could find on Venlil systems, Exterminators included. There had been a back and forth between me and the predators on this site, one that I was frankly losing, especially based on the new post added to the site.
Memo to self: Hire a human to harden the Exterminators systems. And change my password. Again.
I gave a sigh as I continued to browse the site, looking for anything to distract myself with, until I found something I hadn’t seen in a while.
The Heartbreak killer. The first case I’d been shown proving that prey killed prey, a series of predator attacks that had turned out to be something the humans called “a serial killer”. Right at the bottom of the thread filled with theories and evidence gathering, including one annoying comment suggesting that I was the killer, was a single message left a few hours ago.
“What happened to this case, did we get any news?”
We hadn’t. The killer had killed three people, then hadn’t struck again; no leads, no more evidence, no new possible information. A thought started to creep into my mind: I had some spare time, I had the resources and newfound knowledge about human investigative skills, and there was nothing stopping me from giving this case a solid deep dive to see what I could uncover. Technically, it wouldn’t even be official Exterminator work, meaning it was fine, and I wasn’t breaking my promise to my best friend!
Joseph had told me to find a human hobby. Technically, human hobbies included solving cold cases…
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u/spacepaladin15 's universe.
Memory transcription subject: Estala, Junior Exterminator, ‘Little Yortu’ Colony Cleanup Division
Date [standardized human time]: July 27th, 2125
Everything hurt.
There was dirt and dust between each of my feathers and every single muscle ached and screamed in protest. I wanted to pluck every feather off of my skin and soak forever in warm water until I stopped feeling this way.
Sadly, I didn't have time for that since I, along with the 4 other junior Exterminators of my squad, stood to attention as our commander stared each of us down as he walked among us with his pristine feathers and dirt free uniform. A stark difference to the 5 of us who had actually done the work.
“Very good job squad. Sector UG-4 is now considered cleansed of all predatory taint. We have done a good job today!”
We? That was a very strong word to use, as Officer Parsim had done nothing but sit and ‘direct’ us instead of actually aiding us like he should have according to regulations. Of course, giving the idiot a flamer to use would probably end with him setting himself on fire, so perhaps it was for the best.
“Yes sir, although it would have gone faster had you completely filled the flamer canisters before we left, and-”
“Junior Exterminator Estala! As always, I did not ask for your opinion or commentary.”
I could see Parsim’s feathers bristling with anger as I spoke up. Neither of us liked the other, both for the same reason. Parsim was incompetent. The most incompetent person I had ever met. I could never understand how someone as incompetent and lazy as this Krakotl had managed to become even a standard officer, let alone in charge of a squad of Junior Exterminators. If there was a task required to be completed, the officer would fail to do so, and if they did do anything, they did it with a complete lack of preparation or adherence to even the simplest of regulations.
“Also sir, having only 5 people accomplishing the task instead of six, results in the lack of a rear guard. This is counter to the suggested den clearing process defined in appendix PTY-61, which-”
“I said I did not ask! Since you are always so knowledgeable about what should be done, you can use that experience as a Junior Exterminator and show ‘leadership’ by taking tonight’s guard duty.”
Parsim didn’t like me because I would continually point out his incompetence, not that I planned on stopping. Originally I had assumed the seasoned officer had his reasons for these mistakes, that experience would show some avenue for Extermination I didn’t foresee.
However, it had been six months. Six months of blatant incompetence. I couldn’t hold my beak for that long, every bird has her limit. Every rule he broke, every time he failed, it put people’s lives in danger. No matter how many admonishments or punishments he doled out, I at least had to try before something bad happened. Not that the officer looked like he was going to change, at least before my last few months here on the colony were up.
“Yes sir.”
I stated these words with as little annoyance as possible, deciding not to push the issue further. Fighting for this idiot to actually become competent was something for another day, for now I wanted rest. Rest of the predators and their piercing eyes, blood soaked claws and large rows of grinning teeth.
“Good. Dismissed, get cleaned up.”
The five of us filtered towards the temporary barracks, wings and bodies aching as the day's events took their toll on us. Crawling through dirt tunnels, tracking down dens, and eradicating them was a strenuous task, only slightly washed away with warm water and a new uniform. I eventually made my way back to my room and crawled onto my perch. I wanted to sleep, but the upcoming guard duty made that impossible, giving me half an hour to rest instead.
“I don’t get why you keep antagonizing him, Estala. He’s not going to change and you’re just going to get his ire.”
Talsim entered the rooms, a concerned look in his eyes as my bunkmate and fellow Junior Exterminator took his own perch next to mine. Somehow, after a whole day of crawling through predator infested tunnels, he still managed to look fabulous after a shower and basic preen.
“Because he’s going to get someone killed,” I responded. “Even today, I noticed he was constantly staying as far away from the predators as possible. If anything went wrong… I don’t understand how he’s even an Exterminator.”
“Dad says a lot of people join just for the prestige, then freak out whenever an actual predator appears.”
Talsim was the complete opposite to Parsim, smart, capable, with family ties to the Exterminators. A bright spot in the otherwise rather depressing past few months. The planet was infested with mammalian predators, larger than a Krakotl, teeth a doorway to their cruelty, eyes glowing yellow in the dark.
I had indeed gained more experience with predators than I could ever want on this planet, and seen the results of their evils inflicted upon my fellow Exterminators as we cleared out this new colony for the Krakotl people.
Frankly, I was looking forward to being back on Nishtal.
The two of us sat in silence as we both tried to get our energy back from the gruelling day’s tasks, as the minutes continued to tick by. Talsim continually fidgeted and glanced around, as if he had something on his mind as I sat there trying not to fall asleep.
“Estala…” He said, finally hitting the courage to break the silence. “I… I really don’t like clearing out the dens. The way they… I know they’re predators but…”
I knew exactly what Talsim was talking about. I didn’t like doing them either.’ Not because of the danger, but because of the aftermath. The smell of burning fur flesh, the sounds they made while fire consumed their predatory taint, the helplessness of the predator pups.
No, I knew exactly what Talsim meant. But it had to be done, for the safety of the herd.
“I think… I think everyone thinks that way, Talsim. That’s what makes us prey: our empathy. Even though we know it has to be done, we know it’s not noble work. But it is necessary. I just think that most Exterminators prefer to avoid talking about it, because we know how many lives we’re saving by removing the predators.”
“Not everyone. Quala seems to be very happy.”
I gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of the other Junior Exterminator. She always seemed to take full glee at the destruction of predator dens, eyes alight with joy as fire rained down upon her predatory enemies.
“There is something wrong with her. It might not be predator disease but… something.”
“I dunno, it just feels like everyone else knows what they’re doing. You with your rules, Quala taking down predator dens, and so on. I know my dad wanted me to get into the family business, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this.”
I couldn’t help but feel a level of despair at such words coming out of the beak of Talsim. The Krakotl had become my best friend over these last six months, funny, kind-hearted, and actually competent. The thought of him leaving the Exterminators, not thinking he was good enough…
“Nonsense! You are brave and do the right thing when you need to. There’s nobody else I’d rather have protecting my back against the predators. You’re already a better exterminator than Parsim.”
“A pile of rocks with a flamer draped on top would be a better Exterminator…”
We both laughed at that, the tension in the room evaporating as we both commiserated over the incompetence of the Exterminator Officer in charge of our squad.
“See, if he can make it, you definitely can. Remember: we’ll be full officers with colony expedition experience once we’re done here, not juniors any more! I’ll transfer to your department, we can work side by side, rise in the ranks, and keep Nishtal safe together.”
“Yeah, that does sound nice.”
“Estala and Talsim, Exterminating duo extreme! The Arxur won’t know what hit them!”
—----------------------
Memory transcription subject: Estala, Human Methods Advisor to the Exterminators.
Date [standardized human time]: March 6th, 2137
How did people do this? Seriously, what did normal people do in their free time? Joseph was out doing something predatory with his cats, leaving me alone in the apartment to chill out. I was sad, comfortable on my perch, a large fluffy blanket wrapped around my body as I cradled a cup of warm mango tea in my hands. I was supposed to be relaxing and letting my body heal…
So why couldn’t I relax?
Scrolling Bleat and the endless discussion about the war and predators didn’t keep me calm and there was only so much daytime TV one bird could watch. Going outside was out of the question as I’d inevitably see something that needed fixing, ending with me doing work again. So I tried to relax in silence, the curtains drawn across the window creating a nice darkness to calm down in as I tried to slow my breathing. It didn’t work, I wanted to be out there, doing good in the world, anything other than sitting here.
It wasn’t always like this, what did you do on your time off?
Well there was the Krakotl reality TV show “Wings of Love”, which was a guilty pleasure of mine. I was a fan of the Diva Scene in southern Nishtal. Occasionally I’d follow speed flying, especially since the local Skalga athletes generally did very well on the galactic level due to the increased gravity here.
Oh, I’m seeing the problem. None of those things exist any more, Nishtal is gone.
Work had been a perfect distraction from the whirlwind of painful changes over the last 6 months of my life. Nishtal was no more, every single algae bar or Diva stand I’d ever visited was destroyed, every single person I knew was probably dead. While I hadn’t been there for nearly three years, it was still… home. I wasn’t close with anyone on Nishtal any more, but there were still good people I knew…. had known there.
Even the Extermination Fleet had contained Exterminators I considered good people, lied to by the Federation and tricked into committing a horrible crime. Heck, if I was being honest with myself, I would have been just one more name on those ships if I hadn’t been stationed on Skalga when all this began.
It’s kinda ironic that Kalsim managed to kill far more Krakotl than humans with his actions… the bastard.
Then there were the other thoughts that constantly bombarded my mind. The omnivore reveal, the amount of murders I’d let happen under my watch, the revelations about the PD facilities, the ecological damage I’d caused on every planet I’d been stationed on…
Nope nope nope nope. Let’s stop thinking about this. Distract myself with anything, anything at all.
I opened my work email, using work once again as a distracting refuge, only to see an actually important email that required my response.
Re: Dawncreek Exterminators reform and restructure.
My dearest Estala. I have read your proposal for the reopening of the extermination offices of this district and the reimplementation of their funding. I will admit that your restructuring proposals were fairly radical for someone who is still an advocate of the exterminators.By Inatala’s talons… Magistrate Rolem was an interesting case. While most Exterminator CO’s and Magistrates were resistant to the changes I was trying to implement due to a fear or hatred of the ‘predatory’ humans they represented, Rolem was the complete opposite: He was so pro-human that the Venlil was trying to eradicate the Exterminators of Dawncreek, instead merging their duties with the police force.
However, after careful consideration of the impact of the organization, I fear that I must decline the proposal. I have come to the conclusion that, for the well-being of the citizenry, you and all others wishing for its reimplementation should commence a regime of self fornication as my district shall be better as strangers to the institution of extermination.
I thank you for your time,
High Magister Rolem of Dawn Creek
Unprofessional insults aside, I didn’t blame him too much considering what had happened at Dawn Creek. I wasn’t completely against the idea of copying the humans in that regard, if it wasn’t for the simple issue: It wasn’t working. While in the short term the district was better off without the shambolic incompetent idiots who used to ‘protect’ the area, the long term solution wasn’t trusting their safety with police officers who could hardly look a human in the eyes without fainting.
Dear idiot face.I paused, taking a deep sigh before deleting that text and rewriting the email to something I could actually send.
Can you spehing actually read the email I sent. It’s not working. I’m getting the surrounding districts to cover for you before someone notices and tries to recall your seat, but I can only do that for so long you feather chewing idiotic-
Dear Rolem.With the more professional email sent, I once again found myself in the dark with nothing to do. I browsed my emails idly for a few moments, scrolling Bleat through the normal barrage of hate mail I got from both pro and anti-human Venlil, before finding myself back at a familiar website, one that had changed so much of my outlook.
I understand your hesitance to rebuild the Dawn Creek Exterminators, and while I’m not against the idea of your plan in theory, the issue is the current police force joined their roles without expecting such ‘predatory’ work to be within their job description.
As you can see in the data I sent (Please see previous email), a significant number of calls to the police force are being refused and not dealt with, especially surrounding the categories of violent crime (Or what was previously classified as Predator Disease), interacting with humans, and predator sightings.
The Exterminators who joined this job did so because they wanted to protect the herd from such problems, unlike the police who originally joined to aid us all in different ways. I’m currently instructing the four surrounding districts to aid in these excess calls during this transition period, but this is not a long term solution.
If you would like to discuss this proposal further, please do not hesitate to email or call me.
Prestige Exterminator Estala, Human Methods Advisor, Dayside City Head Office.
FederationColdCases.human.fed.vp
A human created site, dedicated to parsing through “Predator Attacks” and working out which ones were actually murders, which ones I had failed my duties on. There were a lot of murders originally classified as predator attacks. That realisation had broken me. Prey murdered prey as if they were predators, meaning there were no prey or predators in the galaxy, only people.
They also tended to dump every password they could find on Venlil systems, Exterminators included. There had been a back and forth between me and the predators on this site, one that I was frankly losing, especially based on the new post added to the site.
New Thread: Estala’s new password.I felt my brain start to leak out of my ears as the technical jargon on the screen in front of me caused my vision to swim. The humans took it as a game to continually break into my secure system, taking joy every time I failed to stop them. I had evidently hit the limit of my expertise…
“BzB&G_6?wC{k4oqq,je%.uO;T`uznif6;<(8~B”
Hi Estala! I know you’re reading this as you keep resetting your password.
So Estala’s password creation skills have increased since we started doing this. For a quick refresher on all the things that have changed.
Stopped using Inatala as a base.
Stopped using Protector, Exterminator, Predator, Prey, Mango, or any dictionary word as a base.
Stop using passwords containing simple numbers (1234, 1254, her birthday, etc etc)
Stopped using passwords of length lower than 15
Stopped using the same password for her email as her Exterminator account.
Stopped falling for Phishing attacks claiming to provide “Free mangos for Exterminator logins”.
Turned off autologin.
Turned off fast checkin mode.
Now, I ‘could’ just login using the head exterminator for Skalga’s login (Password is STILL “Protector134”), and use that to reset Estala’s password and gain access, but that feels like cheating.
Instead I found a remote code execution exploit using a faulty heartbeat command, allowing for the password to be returned. It should be noted yet again that the section of the Exterminators database containing Exterminator personal information is not susceptible to this attack, showing that the UN did a bunch of hardening there (As well as Venlil banking systems, etc etc)
The attack works by finding the central node to the district you’re attempting to attack, this can be done by using….
Memo to self: Hire a human to harden the Exterminators systems. And change my password. Again.
I gave a sigh as I continued to browse the site, looking for anything to distract myself with, until I found something I hadn’t seen in a while.
The Heartbreak killer. The first case I’d been shown proving that prey killed prey, a series of predator attacks that had turned out to be something the humans called “a serial killer”. Right at the bottom of the thread filled with theories and evidence gathering, including one annoying comment suggesting that I was the killer, was a single message left a few hours ago.
“What happened to this case, did we get any news?”
We hadn’t. The killer had killed three people, then hadn’t struck again; no leads, no more evidence, no new possible information. A thought started to creep into my mind: I had some spare time, I had the resources and newfound knowledge about human investigative skills, and there was nothing stopping me from giving this case a solid deep dive to see what I could uncover. Technically, it wouldn’t even be official Exterminator work, meaning it was fine, and I wasn’t breaking my promise to my best friend!
Joseph had told me to find a human hobby. Technically, human hobbies included solving cold cases…
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2024.05.15 20:06 Hairy-Cauliflower394 Extremely high Testosterone
So I'm about to see my 1st endocrinologist this month after over a year of telling my doctor that this much hair hair growing on my face is NOT normal. I started first with just upper lip hairs then it spread to sideburns, chin and my neck under chin area.
My testosterone level is 449 ng/gl which I'm not sure what these measurements actually mean but I do know it's the level of a 40/44 year old man. I am a 53 yr old woman who is post menopausal (I think) and haven't had a cycle since I was 49. Not unusual to go into menopause at this age in my family. So has anyone been diagnosed with PCOS at a later age near 50? I always had heavy cycles and pain on my left side in my ovary area and was told I have a few cysts there on it. I've been having what I consider pains almost as bad as early stages of child birth that no pain meds will make it stop (I take vicodin by prescription for other issues) I've had ultrasounds on the area for both bladder and uterus/ovaries area with nothing to find but the same amount of small cysts. I have read that cysts in the breasts my also be a symptom related to PCOS which I'm not sure about but had my 1st mammogram at 16 because I felt lumps and wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer even tho the doctor was sure it wasn't. So anyone have these issues in their 50's just finding out about the medical issues of high T?
submitted by Hairy-Cauliflower394 to PCOS [link] [comments]
My testosterone level is 449 ng/gl which I'm not sure what these measurements actually mean but I do know it's the level of a 40/44 year old man. I am a 53 yr old woman who is post menopausal (I think) and haven't had a cycle since I was 49. Not unusual to go into menopause at this age in my family. So has anyone been diagnosed with PCOS at a later age near 50? I always had heavy cycles and pain on my left side in my ovary area and was told I have a few cysts there on it. I've been having what I consider pains almost as bad as early stages of child birth that no pain meds will make it stop (I take vicodin by prescription for other issues) I've had ultrasounds on the area for both bladder and uterus/ovaries area with nothing to find but the same amount of small cysts. I have read that cysts in the breasts my also be a symptom related to PCOS which I'm not sure about but had my 1st mammogram at 16 because I felt lumps and wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer even tho the doctor was sure it wasn't. So anyone have these issues in their 50's just finding out about the medical issues of high T?
2024.05.15 20:01 HavartiSc I'm growing breasts (as a male)
I tried to be funny in the title, but I'm actually wondering what this could be caused by. Given that many here are also into general health stuff, I figured I might ask.
For the past month or so, my nipples have been swollen and very sensitive to touch. I can feel a lump under both of them, it's way worse on the right. I now noticed that I have visible breast development.
My libido has always been non existent, weak erections and my mother told me that I once grew breasts as a child. I also have zero masculine features, store fat like a female and have a weird belly despite a low body weight. I've also been dealing with brain fog and overall fatigue for a while now.
I don't think that is normal for someone in their 20s. Should I be concerned about this and go see an endocrinologist? What should I get checked?
submitted by HavartiSc to raypeat [link] [comments]
For the past month or so, my nipples have been swollen and very sensitive to touch. I can feel a lump under both of them, it's way worse on the right. I now noticed that I have visible breast development.
My libido has always been non existent, weak erections and my mother told me that I once grew breasts as a child. I also have zero masculine features, store fat like a female and have a weird belly despite a low body weight. I've also been dealing with brain fog and overall fatigue for a while now.
I don't think that is normal for someone in their 20s. Should I be concerned about this and go see an endocrinologist? What should I get checked?
2024.05.15 19:57 pumpkinlatte56 Probiotic recommendations?
Hey! So I've tried almost everything under the sun to get rid of my almost year long yeast infection. The only thing I haven't yet tried is the candida diet, which I started today, and I was looking into probiotics! I'm just not sure which ones to get? I'm looking for something a little on the cheaper side, but I also can't take pills, and most of them I've found seem to be as capsules :( are there any that are like, a powder you can mix with water or something? Or gummies? Or even suppositories? I just can't get pills down, it never works, I'd rather avoid the additional struggle right now. If you have any recommendations they'd be super helpful!
Edit: I found some on Amazon, it won't let me put a link in, but they're the "OMOGS women's probiotic, 3 prebiotic" packets! Would these be good? It looks like you just drink 1 a day
submitted by pumpkinlatte56 to Healthyhooha [link] [comments]
Edit: I found some on Amazon, it won't let me put a link in, but they're the "OMOGS women's probiotic, 3 prebiotic" packets! Would these be good? It looks like you just drink 1 a day
2024.05.15 19:56 whythigh Bruises on my abdominal area after hematoma removal
Hi guys,
I had my surgery on Thursday 09/05 where I developed quite massive hematoma in my right chest. I had the following surgery on Monday 13/05 where surgeon removed hematoma and also cleared right side from left seroma etc. They took off drains on Tuesday.
Overall, my chest is a bit swollen. I try to walk a lot keeping my pulse under 105 and do not feel any pain. However, I notice that I have quite a lot of bruises on my abdominal area under my ribs and in the belly button. I read that its quite normal to have bruises after any surgery but I'm a bit concerned about my case because my abdominal area is abnormally red/blue. I'll have my surgeon appointment on Friday and will definitely ask him about it.
Has anyone had something similar ?
submitted by whythigh to gynecomastia [link] [comments]
I had my surgery on Thursday 09/05 where I developed quite massive hematoma in my right chest. I had the following surgery on Monday 13/05 where surgeon removed hematoma and also cleared right side from left seroma etc. They took off drains on Tuesday.
Overall, my chest is a bit swollen. I try to walk a lot keeping my pulse under 105 and do not feel any pain. However, I notice that I have quite a lot of bruises on my abdominal area under my ribs and in the belly button. I read that its quite normal to have bruises after any surgery but I'm a bit concerned about my case because my abdominal area is abnormally red/blue. I'll have my surgeon appointment on Friday and will definitely ask him about it.
Has anyone had something similar ?
2024.05.15 19:53 Throwawayacc63860 (22M - 23F) How do we forgive toxic behavior and move on together?
So before we jump into the story, I’m pretty much going to be as transparent as possible in this, so it’s going to be a pretty big read. I’ll start with a little bit about my past and then a little bit about hers.
I was raised in a traditional household, with traditional values, parents that stayed together and loved unconditionally, and I guess was always comfortable in my childhood. Obviously, everyone has their own traumas, and maybe I have some that I’ve unexplored just because I consider myself unbothered by the past. Which is a mindset that has served me well, I think. I forgive and forget very quickly, and I tend to give second chances. I’m also very firm on how a second chance looks and how typically there isn’t a third. Now for the bad, I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I feel like it’s been an addiction all my life. Up until probably about eight months ago, I was severely addicted to porn. And we all know how it works once vanilla stops giving you the dopamine you used to get, you start to crave crazier and crazier things. Eventually, mine got to enjoying watching other men lust over other men’s women. Obviously, I know how wrong that is, and when I started realizing that I did not have a husband mentality, I started to shift my mindset. I still struggle with it to this day, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted anymore.
A little about her: her childhood is the exact opposite. But I would say that we came to the same conclusions on life and how a husband and wife should act in theory. She was raised in a very abusive household, her parents separated at a very young age, and then it was just trauma after trauma after trauma. And that’s not to say that she’s bringing it into the relationship, it’s simply saying what she’s been through. Her mindset of what marriage should look like is exactly like mine. Her mindset of what love should look like, I think, is like mine. She tends to run away for periods of time, never cheats or anything, but just prefers to be alone. Every single one of her relationships, she’s claimed that she has to be the mom in the relationship. This dynamic, the partnership dynamic, was weird for her.
Me and her met in November, and the moment we met, we knew that this was either going to be a relationship where we get married or the one to really break us. Two weeks in, we were discussing marriage as a joke. We loved all the same things, we listened to the same underground artists, we think almost exactly alike when it comes to life. We enjoy the same humor, and I can 100% say she is pretty much me in female form. Please don’t take that in a weird way, but that is how I felt. I’ve always felt like she is my other half. Months into the relationship, we started joking around about OnlyFans, and I’m sorry to say that I let those same thoughts in my head. She would joke around about how much money she would make on it, and I would “joke around” about her making one and that I was okay with it. She didn’t know about my porn addiction at this time. Well, little did I know she was simply going along with it because she thought it made me happy and turned me on. But I know she’s also very, very bold. Well, eventually, I started to focus back on my addiction, which made me treat her like absolute crap. We went through a phase of arguments, I would threaten to end the relationship, and then she would actually do it. I stopped treating her like a husband would treat his wife. After we had a talk, we decided that what we have is too valuable to let go of. So she gave me another chance, and I really took it. I went back to acting like a husband would for her. And it’s not that I was just scared of losing her; this is my character, and this is who I was when I met her, and this is who I’ve been in other relationships. Two weeks go by, and I really realize how much that addiction relapse brought back insecurities. Well, instead of talking to her about it, I decided to try and basically trap her into selling nudes to one of my buddies. Looking back on it all, I understand how toxic that is, but if I was going to give it my all, I didn’t want to give it to somebody who was actually willing to do that. And I get that everything we talked about before was jokes, but she always told me that she’d be willing to sell those pictures for money. And I never knew if it was just to make me happy or if she was serious. I was insecure, and I was scared that I was giving for no reason. But it’s not a reason to do what I did, and I’m not trying to justify it. I should have communicated it with her. The worst part about it was that I lied to her for a couple of weeks that I had no idea who that was on her Snapchat asking her to sell nudes. She was super upset at the principle that I was able to lie to her face for so long. Long story short, we broke up for two weeks. I would chase her for those two weeks, trying to do nice things for her, ordering food and trying to make it up. It was like fishing—when she’s angry at me, I let her run, but when she gave me an opportunity to reel in, I really took it. I didn’t just tell her sorry because I knew it wouldn’t mean anything. I changed my behavior to show her that I trusted her and I am not a liar. I didn’t try to justify my behavior; I only gave her the reasons why I did what I did after we started talking again. During those two weeks, I hadn’t seen any other woman, nor did I have intentions of it. She went on a car ride with her ex because apparently there were unfinished conversations. Now, with this ex in particular, I’m not worried about it. And it’s not me being cocky; I just know that after meeting me and the way she compared both of us, I’m simply not worried about him. What upset me was that he tried to kiss her. Well, he did kiss her until she pushed him off. Either way, I was unbothered by it, but I’ll tell you guys that so you can decide if it’s important or not.
So we started hanging out again as just best friends. I pretty much stayed at her house for two weeks straight after being broken up. We literally were best friends, but I could tell she didn’t trust me. Obviously, she trusted me with her body, still trusted me with pictures of her, and she trusted me in practical ways, but I always felt insecure hanging out with her because of the fact that she might leave again. Well, eventually, she did. We decided to take a two-week break of absolutely zero contact. So keep in mind, this is after another two weeks of absolutely zero arguments, us not talking about the past and just treating each other with ultimate respect and love. But she still felt like she couldn’t give 100%. I never stopped giving 100%, and she fully acknowledges this and understands it. I want you guys to understand that this girl is the nicest, kindest girl I’ve ever met, and I mean that. So I ask that any advice given takes that into account. I know she loves me just as hard as I love her. I leave her house and go home. Of course, I’m very upset because I love so hard, but I do not contact her. 4 AM, I get a call from her just absolutely wasted. She ended up going out with her coworkers, and I’ve never seen her drink like this. She was just as upset as I was. So I don’t want you guys to think that she is heartless. She ends up begging me to come over, and I tell her no and make her wait until the morning. At 8 AM, I’m at her house, and she’s pretty much still wasted. Well, apparently, she ended up kissing another dude at the bar while drunk. She was very straight up about it and would never lie to me. Nothing else happened, but that’s something that did happen. Now, take into account we were broken up with both of these instances. We were NOT together. I don’t know how I feel about that line, but y’all decide. Anyways, that day apparently was a click for her. She wrote me a letter and basically said that she doesn’t want to do this without me. She said that she is willing to work on herself within the relationship rather than single, and that’s my mindset. In a relationship, you are able to work on relationship issues that you cannot work on while single. The same triggers do not apply when you are single. Anyways, so we start basically living together. A month straight, pretty much. I mean, we were out and about again. We were working together, we considered moving in and all, but I could tell that she was not giving me her all. She would tell me multiple times that she doesn’t trust me. She would tell me that she’s my wife, but she just needs time to trust me fully. Eventually, after a month, I had enough of being in this situationship I didn’t feel secure in. So I left one day after telling her that if she can’t give me the same treatment and love she gave me when we first met, then I’m done. I proved I was trustworthy, and I proved I was the husband she was looking for. Either way, I left. We had a conversation about wife mentality vs. girlfriend mentality and what that looks like, which I think really changed her mindset. Now, I will say this: here are where things take a turn. I come back, and she decides to go back to giving 100%. And I could tell—she was the girl I met again. I was skeptical, but I knew she was back. Anyways, five days go by, and I notice a certain person wasn’t on her phone. That same ex I told y’all I was worried about. Well, I was curious because I know that she didn’t want to block him, and this, I think, is because she doesn’t want to hurt people. I STILL RIGHT NOW WHILE TYPING THIS do not think he’s a threat. I actually believe they won’t speak again. Anyways, she tells me that “if he’s not there, he must be blocked,” and I knew that that’s a lie because that’s how I lied to her. She, I guess, rubbed off me, and this is the very first time I caught her in a lie. Come to find out, there was a ten-minute phone call between them, and she sent him “progress workout pictures” that she claimed “she never viewed as sexual” etc. Anyways, this was at like 2 AM, so I get in my car and just storm off. I’m going to make this part short because you probably know where it’s going. She begs me to come back, posts a picture of us on her story, makes it official that we are together, and proves to me that she’s a “damn good wife.” I’m still upset, and a day goes by. That day being two days ago. While we were asleep, I was still upset about everything, and I decided to look at her phone without asking. Bad move, I know. We wake up yesterday morning, and I accuse her of something I saw. I was still upset from the lie, and she storms off to work and was very open that how we handled that conversation was toxic. I agreed, and I apologized for even going on her phone. I came to the conclusion that I will never go on her phone again without asking before I went to sleep that night, so it wasn’t under any threat of a relationship ending. She texted me about her thoughts, and then I thought all was fine. She called me while at work and asked about moving into a house together rather than her duplex. By the time she got off work, she said she was done.
She said that “one day I will be your wife, but I can’t do a toxic relationship.” I told her if she leaves now, she will never have the chance of being with me again. I will always be her best friend, but I told her very clearly that I will not be able to trust her through thick and thin. I will not feel secure in any future relationship with her because if things get “toxic” again, and they will because no relationship is perfect, I won’t be able to trust that she’ll be by my side. Should I feel bad for giving her until tonight to make up her mind? Should I be patient?
We love each other so wholeheartedly. We still connect like no one I’ve ever met. She loves me just as much as I love her, and I know she’s just as broken as me with this breakup. In my opinion, her lying to me made her realize that she’s also not perfect, and her reasoning was kinda funny. That’s the relationship we have. I’m over all she did. She WAS over everything I did before I went through her phone, and she wasn’t mad that I went through it; she was upset that the morning convo was toxic. Any advice you give, assume that we really love each other and want to make it work. We have never been in a relationship that we actually consider marriage in. We are still figuring it out, and I just don’t know my move and to her, her only option is ending this.
submitted by Throwawayacc63860 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
I was raised in a traditional household, with traditional values, parents that stayed together and loved unconditionally, and I guess was always comfortable in my childhood. Obviously, everyone has their own traumas, and maybe I have some that I’ve unexplored just because I consider myself unbothered by the past. Which is a mindset that has served me well, I think. I forgive and forget very quickly, and I tend to give second chances. I’m also very firm on how a second chance looks and how typically there isn’t a third. Now for the bad, I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I feel like it’s been an addiction all my life. Up until probably about eight months ago, I was severely addicted to porn. And we all know how it works once vanilla stops giving you the dopamine you used to get, you start to crave crazier and crazier things. Eventually, mine got to enjoying watching other men lust over other men’s women. Obviously, I know how wrong that is, and when I started realizing that I did not have a husband mentality, I started to shift my mindset. I still struggle with it to this day, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted anymore.
A little about her: her childhood is the exact opposite. But I would say that we came to the same conclusions on life and how a husband and wife should act in theory. She was raised in a very abusive household, her parents separated at a very young age, and then it was just trauma after trauma after trauma. And that’s not to say that she’s bringing it into the relationship, it’s simply saying what she’s been through. Her mindset of what marriage should look like is exactly like mine. Her mindset of what love should look like, I think, is like mine. She tends to run away for periods of time, never cheats or anything, but just prefers to be alone. Every single one of her relationships, she’s claimed that she has to be the mom in the relationship. This dynamic, the partnership dynamic, was weird for her.
Me and her met in November, and the moment we met, we knew that this was either going to be a relationship where we get married or the one to really break us. Two weeks in, we were discussing marriage as a joke. We loved all the same things, we listened to the same underground artists, we think almost exactly alike when it comes to life. We enjoy the same humor, and I can 100% say she is pretty much me in female form. Please don’t take that in a weird way, but that is how I felt. I’ve always felt like she is my other half. Months into the relationship, we started joking around about OnlyFans, and I’m sorry to say that I let those same thoughts in my head. She would joke around about how much money she would make on it, and I would “joke around” about her making one and that I was okay with it. She didn’t know about my porn addiction at this time. Well, little did I know she was simply going along with it because she thought it made me happy and turned me on. But I know she’s also very, very bold. Well, eventually, I started to focus back on my addiction, which made me treat her like absolute crap. We went through a phase of arguments, I would threaten to end the relationship, and then she would actually do it. I stopped treating her like a husband would treat his wife. After we had a talk, we decided that what we have is too valuable to let go of. So she gave me another chance, and I really took it. I went back to acting like a husband would for her. And it’s not that I was just scared of losing her; this is my character, and this is who I was when I met her, and this is who I’ve been in other relationships. Two weeks go by, and I really realize how much that addiction relapse brought back insecurities. Well, instead of talking to her about it, I decided to try and basically trap her into selling nudes to one of my buddies. Looking back on it all, I understand how toxic that is, but if I was going to give it my all, I didn’t want to give it to somebody who was actually willing to do that. And I get that everything we talked about before was jokes, but she always told me that she’d be willing to sell those pictures for money. And I never knew if it was just to make me happy or if she was serious. I was insecure, and I was scared that I was giving for no reason. But it’s not a reason to do what I did, and I’m not trying to justify it. I should have communicated it with her. The worst part about it was that I lied to her for a couple of weeks that I had no idea who that was on her Snapchat asking her to sell nudes. She was super upset at the principle that I was able to lie to her face for so long. Long story short, we broke up for two weeks. I would chase her for those two weeks, trying to do nice things for her, ordering food and trying to make it up. It was like fishing—when she’s angry at me, I let her run, but when she gave me an opportunity to reel in, I really took it. I didn’t just tell her sorry because I knew it wouldn’t mean anything. I changed my behavior to show her that I trusted her and I am not a liar. I didn’t try to justify my behavior; I only gave her the reasons why I did what I did after we started talking again. During those two weeks, I hadn’t seen any other woman, nor did I have intentions of it. She went on a car ride with her ex because apparently there were unfinished conversations. Now, with this ex in particular, I’m not worried about it. And it’s not me being cocky; I just know that after meeting me and the way she compared both of us, I’m simply not worried about him. What upset me was that he tried to kiss her. Well, he did kiss her until she pushed him off. Either way, I was unbothered by it, but I’ll tell you guys that so you can decide if it’s important or not.
So we started hanging out again as just best friends. I pretty much stayed at her house for two weeks straight after being broken up. We literally were best friends, but I could tell she didn’t trust me. Obviously, she trusted me with her body, still trusted me with pictures of her, and she trusted me in practical ways, but I always felt insecure hanging out with her because of the fact that she might leave again. Well, eventually, she did. We decided to take a two-week break of absolutely zero contact. So keep in mind, this is after another two weeks of absolutely zero arguments, us not talking about the past and just treating each other with ultimate respect and love. But she still felt like she couldn’t give 100%. I never stopped giving 100%, and she fully acknowledges this and understands it. I want you guys to understand that this girl is the nicest, kindest girl I’ve ever met, and I mean that. So I ask that any advice given takes that into account. I know she loves me just as hard as I love her. I leave her house and go home. Of course, I’m very upset because I love so hard, but I do not contact her. 4 AM, I get a call from her just absolutely wasted. She ended up going out with her coworkers, and I’ve never seen her drink like this. She was just as upset as I was. So I don’t want you guys to think that she is heartless. She ends up begging me to come over, and I tell her no and make her wait until the morning. At 8 AM, I’m at her house, and she’s pretty much still wasted. Well, apparently, she ended up kissing another dude at the bar while drunk. She was very straight up about it and would never lie to me. Nothing else happened, but that’s something that did happen. Now, take into account we were broken up with both of these instances. We were NOT together. I don’t know how I feel about that line, but y’all decide. Anyways, that day apparently was a click for her. She wrote me a letter and basically said that she doesn’t want to do this without me. She said that she is willing to work on herself within the relationship rather than single, and that’s my mindset. In a relationship, you are able to work on relationship issues that you cannot work on while single. The same triggers do not apply when you are single. Anyways, so we start basically living together. A month straight, pretty much. I mean, we were out and about again. We were working together, we considered moving in and all, but I could tell that she was not giving me her all. She would tell me multiple times that she doesn’t trust me. She would tell me that she’s my wife, but she just needs time to trust me fully. Eventually, after a month, I had enough of being in this situationship I didn’t feel secure in. So I left one day after telling her that if she can’t give me the same treatment and love she gave me when we first met, then I’m done. I proved I was trustworthy, and I proved I was the husband she was looking for. Either way, I left. We had a conversation about wife mentality vs. girlfriend mentality and what that looks like, which I think really changed her mindset. Now, I will say this: here are where things take a turn. I come back, and she decides to go back to giving 100%. And I could tell—she was the girl I met again. I was skeptical, but I knew she was back. Anyways, five days go by, and I notice a certain person wasn’t on her phone. That same ex I told y’all I was worried about. Well, I was curious because I know that she didn’t want to block him, and this, I think, is because she doesn’t want to hurt people. I STILL RIGHT NOW WHILE TYPING THIS do not think he’s a threat. I actually believe they won’t speak again. Anyways, she tells me that “if he’s not there, he must be blocked,” and I knew that that’s a lie because that’s how I lied to her. She, I guess, rubbed off me, and this is the very first time I caught her in a lie. Come to find out, there was a ten-minute phone call between them, and she sent him “progress workout pictures” that she claimed “she never viewed as sexual” etc. Anyways, this was at like 2 AM, so I get in my car and just storm off. I’m going to make this part short because you probably know where it’s going. She begs me to come back, posts a picture of us on her story, makes it official that we are together, and proves to me that she’s a “damn good wife.” I’m still upset, and a day goes by. That day being two days ago. While we were asleep, I was still upset about everything, and I decided to look at her phone without asking. Bad move, I know. We wake up yesterday morning, and I accuse her of something I saw. I was still upset from the lie, and she storms off to work and was very open that how we handled that conversation was toxic. I agreed, and I apologized for even going on her phone. I came to the conclusion that I will never go on her phone again without asking before I went to sleep that night, so it wasn’t under any threat of a relationship ending. She texted me about her thoughts, and then I thought all was fine. She called me while at work and asked about moving into a house together rather than her duplex. By the time she got off work, she said she was done.
She said that “one day I will be your wife, but I can’t do a toxic relationship.” I told her if she leaves now, she will never have the chance of being with me again. I will always be her best friend, but I told her very clearly that I will not be able to trust her through thick and thin. I will not feel secure in any future relationship with her because if things get “toxic” again, and they will because no relationship is perfect, I won’t be able to trust that she’ll be by my side. Should I feel bad for giving her until tonight to make up her mind? Should I be patient?
We love each other so wholeheartedly. We still connect like no one I’ve ever met. She loves me just as much as I love her, and I know she’s just as broken as me with this breakup. In my opinion, her lying to me made her realize that she’s also not perfect, and her reasoning was kinda funny. That’s the relationship we have. I’m over all she did. She WAS over everything I did before I went through her phone, and she wasn’t mad that I went through it; she was upset that the morning convo was toxic. Any advice you give, assume that we really love each other and want to make it work. We have never been in a relationship that we actually consider marriage in. We are still figuring it out, and I just don’t know my move and to her, her only option is ending this.
2024.05.15 19:41 MischievousHex I normally don't post about politics but here we are...
Crosspost from Vent subreddit so if you see it twice I'm sorry but I wanna make sure all of Gen Z is aware of this and also, sorry if you don't care about American politics because you don't live here but at the same time, the stuff proposed could have Internetational consequences so it might be worth at least looking at.
Have you guys seen Project 2025?? I just need to vent about how we DO NOT pay enough attention to what is happening behind the scenes in politics. We just don't. So for the love of everything, please research and inform yourself about what Project 2025 is because it can and should heavily impact your vote for president at the end of this year.
Imma be blunt so nobody has to wonder where I lean. I lean democrat, but I love seeing moderate politics in action and we have seen some of that with Biden and I know it's upset many Democrats but moderate is compromise and compromise is healthy!! I'm so done with playing extremes! Let's calm down! Let's compromise! Let's be peaceful! We're all Americans and we should want what is best for ALL OF US together as a country.
These extremes we are playing with are dangerous. Like, looking at Project 2025 there's stuff they want to prioritize like centralizing things around stable families and combating the porn industry to defund and end sexual exploitation and attack human trafficking. That is GREAT. I LOVE THOSE IDEAS!
However, even with how much I love those ideas, they're taking it WAY TO FAR. It's incredibly extreme. We can stabilize families without annihilating terms that help people understand themselves and their sexuality. We can demolish the porn industry and recognize that porn is addictive without further victimizing the people impacted by porn by suddenly outlawing and banning it and metaphorically pulling the rug out from underneath people's feet. I mean, people work for a living in the porn industry and addicts will either experience severe withdrawal or find themselves on the wrong side of the law because they can't stop themselves from looking at something that is suddenly illegal.
What I'm getting at, is I like some of the things they want to do! I just look at this group that's organized itself into what is now called Project 2025 and I terrifies me! They want to make drastic and extreme changes very rapidly, things that society is not capable of withstanding, and even the governmental and legislative changes they want make push us more towards autocracy and away from democracy and being a republic. I can't stress this enough, this next election has the potential to bring about EXTREME, permanent, chaotic, or reforming change. This could be good or it could be VERY VERY BAD.
I'm not here to tell you how to vote or what to do, I'm just here to show you that this is a thing. I want everyone to know there's organizations that are pre-meditating to gain power and control and bring gigantic change to the government and society at large. Sure, we say this every election, but this is different. I'm 27 and I haven't had decades of voting under my belt but I've never seen or heard of anything like this Project 2025 and my parents and grandparents have never spoken to me about seeing anything like this either. The fact that there's a gigantic slew of politicians organizing themselves to basically overrun government offices and implement immediate, drastic change is something we as Americans should consider carefully! If you want these changes and you believe they can pull it off, then vote that way! But I urge you to consider how much dysfunction and choas they can cause in a short amount of time if they defund the DOJ, dismantle the FBI and DHS, completely turn away from the climate crisis, eliminate the department of commerce, and look at ending things like the department of Education, the Federal Communications Division, and the Federal Trade Commission.
They're also talking about getting rid of all abortions, even medically necessary ones, country wide. They want to ban contraceptives. They want to, and I quote from Project 2025s own mandate "delete the use of terms like sexual orientation, gender identity, gender, inclusion, gender equality, gender equity, gender awareness, abortion, reproductive health, and reproduction rights"
All I'm asking is for us all to pay attention, to see what this is, and see if you WANT to support this or not. You WON'T find this plan on Trump's website or as an official part of his campaign but even Project 2025 itself admits they believe Trump will win the presidency and then they and Trump will be able to accomplish all of Project 2025s goals.
Again, I'm not telling you what to prioritize or how to vote, but I want you to know a vote for Trump is a vote for Project 2025 as well. If that's what you want, then vote Trump in. If not, vote for someone else. And, for those of you who find that you too, like me, genuinely agree with some of what they want to do, consider the big picture, NOT just the part you agree with. Also consider how this impacts your friends and families. No gender equality and no reproductive rights greatly impacts ALL women. Think about your daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. They may not ever want an abortion or a hysterectomy or birth control but what if something happens to their health and they suddenly NEED one of those things to save their life or improve their quality of life? If you have any friends or family that are trans or identify as anything other than heterosexual, they are trying to DELETE their identifiers. They're trying to ERASE entire parts of people.
To end my vent, again, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you to be aware. Don't think "Oh we always say the other party is going to destroy American, it doesn't really matter as it always works out fine anyways" because Project 2025 is the evidence that CHANGE WILL HAPPEN. I can't foresee if it will destroy us or not, but I can say that trying to do THIS MUCH DRASTIC CHANGE will alter our country permanently.
If ever there was a time to take an election seriously, NOW IS THE TIME! VOTE YOUR CONCIENCE!! Don't vote by party lines, don't vote with your wallet, don't vote based upon who you hear about more... Do your do diligence and vote carefully and with purpose!
To wrap this up, here's some sources for people to read for themselves:
This is from project 2025s website and if you find the "read the mandate" button under the picture of their book it goes in depth on what they want to do and why.
https://www.project2025.org/policy/
Scrutinize me for using Wikipedia all you want but it's a good way to get a brief summary that discusses concerns and narratives as seen by the people pushing this agenda and the people worried about if this agenda is seen to fruition.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_2025
Please feel free to add other sources in the comments. Feel free to discuss as well, but don't turn this into Trump vs Biden or Democrats vs Republicans. This is meant to put a spotlight on Project 2025 and whether or not it's goals would be good for us! For our country! That's it!
submitted by MischievousHex to GenZ [link] [comments]
Have you guys seen Project 2025?? I just need to vent about how we DO NOT pay enough attention to what is happening behind the scenes in politics. We just don't. So for the love of everything, please research and inform yourself about what Project 2025 is because it can and should heavily impact your vote for president at the end of this year.
Imma be blunt so nobody has to wonder where I lean. I lean democrat, but I love seeing moderate politics in action and we have seen some of that with Biden and I know it's upset many Democrats but moderate is compromise and compromise is healthy!! I'm so done with playing extremes! Let's calm down! Let's compromise! Let's be peaceful! We're all Americans and we should want what is best for ALL OF US together as a country.
These extremes we are playing with are dangerous. Like, looking at Project 2025 there's stuff they want to prioritize like centralizing things around stable families and combating the porn industry to defund and end sexual exploitation and attack human trafficking. That is GREAT. I LOVE THOSE IDEAS!
However, even with how much I love those ideas, they're taking it WAY TO FAR. It's incredibly extreme. We can stabilize families without annihilating terms that help people understand themselves and their sexuality. We can demolish the porn industry and recognize that porn is addictive without further victimizing the people impacted by porn by suddenly outlawing and banning it and metaphorically pulling the rug out from underneath people's feet. I mean, people work for a living in the porn industry and addicts will either experience severe withdrawal or find themselves on the wrong side of the law because they can't stop themselves from looking at something that is suddenly illegal.
What I'm getting at, is I like some of the things they want to do! I just look at this group that's organized itself into what is now called Project 2025 and I terrifies me! They want to make drastic and extreme changes very rapidly, things that society is not capable of withstanding, and even the governmental and legislative changes they want make push us more towards autocracy and away from democracy and being a republic. I can't stress this enough, this next election has the potential to bring about EXTREME, permanent, chaotic, or reforming change. This could be good or it could be VERY VERY BAD.
I'm not here to tell you how to vote or what to do, I'm just here to show you that this is a thing. I want everyone to know there's organizations that are pre-meditating to gain power and control and bring gigantic change to the government and society at large. Sure, we say this every election, but this is different. I'm 27 and I haven't had decades of voting under my belt but I've never seen or heard of anything like this Project 2025 and my parents and grandparents have never spoken to me about seeing anything like this either. The fact that there's a gigantic slew of politicians organizing themselves to basically overrun government offices and implement immediate, drastic change is something we as Americans should consider carefully! If you want these changes and you believe they can pull it off, then vote that way! But I urge you to consider how much dysfunction and choas they can cause in a short amount of time if they defund the DOJ, dismantle the FBI and DHS, completely turn away from the climate crisis, eliminate the department of commerce, and look at ending things like the department of Education, the Federal Communications Division, and the Federal Trade Commission.
They're also talking about getting rid of all abortions, even medically necessary ones, country wide. They want to ban contraceptives. They want to, and I quote from Project 2025s own mandate "delete the use of terms like sexual orientation, gender identity, gender, inclusion, gender equality, gender equity, gender awareness, abortion, reproductive health, and reproduction rights"
All I'm asking is for us all to pay attention, to see what this is, and see if you WANT to support this or not. You WON'T find this plan on Trump's website or as an official part of his campaign but even Project 2025 itself admits they believe Trump will win the presidency and then they and Trump will be able to accomplish all of Project 2025s goals.
Again, I'm not telling you what to prioritize or how to vote, but I want you to know a vote for Trump is a vote for Project 2025 as well. If that's what you want, then vote Trump in. If not, vote for someone else. And, for those of you who find that you too, like me, genuinely agree with some of what they want to do, consider the big picture, NOT just the part you agree with. Also consider how this impacts your friends and families. No gender equality and no reproductive rights greatly impacts ALL women. Think about your daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. They may not ever want an abortion or a hysterectomy or birth control but what if something happens to their health and they suddenly NEED one of those things to save their life or improve their quality of life? If you have any friends or family that are trans or identify as anything other than heterosexual, they are trying to DELETE their identifiers. They're trying to ERASE entire parts of people.
To end my vent, again, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you to be aware. Don't think "Oh we always say the other party is going to destroy American, it doesn't really matter as it always works out fine anyways" because Project 2025 is the evidence that CHANGE WILL HAPPEN. I can't foresee if it will destroy us or not, but I can say that trying to do THIS MUCH DRASTIC CHANGE will alter our country permanently.
If ever there was a time to take an election seriously, NOW IS THE TIME! VOTE YOUR CONCIENCE!! Don't vote by party lines, don't vote with your wallet, don't vote based upon who you hear about more... Do your do diligence and vote carefully and with purpose!
To wrap this up, here's some sources for people to read for themselves:
This is from project 2025s website and if you find the "read the mandate" button under the picture of their book it goes in depth on what they want to do and why.
https://www.project2025.org/policy/
Scrutinize me for using Wikipedia all you want but it's a good way to get a brief summary that discusses concerns and narratives as seen by the people pushing this agenda and the people worried about if this agenda is seen to fruition.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_2025
Please feel free to add other sources in the comments. Feel free to discuss as well, but don't turn this into Trump vs Biden or Democrats vs Republicans. This is meant to put a spotlight on Project 2025 and whether or not it's goals would be good for us! For our country! That's it!
2024.05.15 19:40 Keizman55 European Style AM settled expiration questions (NDX)
I have a European Style IC on NDX expiring Friday, but it is AM settled. I've searched and read up on what that means, but I can't parse out what the risk is to me. I've read that the last trade will take place Thursday evening, but the settlement price will be whatever the price is at open on Friday. I am well OTM on both sides right now, but I'm trying to plan in advance whether I need to exit early or not.
So, am I to assume that if I am OTM on Thursday night, and NDX opens outside of one of my shorts, I will have to make up the difference between the underlying open price and my strike?
If so, will I also be able to close the long on that side to collect remaining premium to offset some of the loss? If the last day the option trades is Thursday, that would seem to preclude me from doing that.
I think the normal advice would be to close my positions before the Thursday night close, but I'd prefer not to unless it looks seriously threatened, because with the NDX spreads, it is expensive to close right up until expiration. This seems to fall under what is commonly referred to as Pin risk, but I thought one of the selling points of AM settled was the elimination of Pin risk.
submitted by Keizman55 to options [link] [comments]
So, am I to assume that if I am OTM on Thursday night, and NDX opens outside of one of my shorts, I will have to make up the difference between the underlying open price and my strike?
If so, will I also be able to close the long on that side to collect remaining premium to offset some of the loss? If the last day the option trades is Thursday, that would seem to preclude me from doing that.
I think the normal advice would be to close my positions before the Thursday night close, but I'd prefer not to unless it looks seriously threatened, because with the NDX spreads, it is expensive to close right up until expiration. This seems to fall under what is commonly referred to as Pin risk, but I thought one of the selling points of AM settled was the elimination of Pin risk.
2024.05.15 19:37 Azerate333 DFV locked the float? 😳 💩 😿 🥜 🐸 🍦 🤢 👍 👊 💀 🥸 🤩 ⚡ 🎮 🚀 🍄 💥 🍏 🤨 🥴 💜 🫂 👌 🤝 ⛺ 😼 🎯 👀 🐶 🇺🇸 🐶 🇺🇸 👀 🔥 💥 🍻 tweet.
 | hello apes, my wrinkles are tingling. submitted by Azerate333 to Superstonk [link] [comments] I think DFV figured the leaps strategy and instead of exercising the shares he leveraged them and locked the float with gains on the options he made so far during these years HEAR ME OUT before I'm downvoted to hell because of the assumption that DFV might have played puts/shorts on GME, consider this: he might be playing both sides because he knows how the stock behaves. https://preview.redd.it/6ck2d2ozam0d1.png?width=1919&format=png&auto=webp&s=8fad3a1097f4a07035f3b124fcde5629ff055d02 (https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790747714440892825) and there's no doubt that if you could predict what happens in a manipulated market price you could basically make infinite money and buy infinite shares. his tweets are so confident that this wouldn't surprise me at all, just doing what hedge funds usually would do and beating them at their own game. it's obvious he knew what's going on all along - and I want to point out that there are so many frogs (especially in recent tweets) and RC posting references to leaps as well such a long time ago... they must have knew. LEAPS theory: https://www.reddit.com/Superstonk/comments/1cs5rkk/leaps_i_think_i_stumbled_on_something_need_brains/ If he owned enough, DFV would that wouldn't even be market manipulation on his side, it's standard procedure, and we all know he does like this stock. I want to start by pointing out my interpretations on SOME of his latest tweets (I'm not picking out the ones that support my thesis but rather the ones which made me come to this conclusion): "fine, I'll do it myself", going into the asteroid belt https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790728848226521547 receiving a call asking him "NOT TO DO IT" for a lump of money and the character denying the offer, being called crazy by the guy who made the offer https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790472153470759217 "I'm a manufacturer, not a dealer" https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790747714440892825 (turning his shares into more by playing options and leveraging but never selling), THIS WILL BE QUITE A RIDDLE, BUT WE NEED TO DECIPHER THE OBVIOUS TIMELINE HE IS NARRATING USING EMOJIS especially those emojis going black and white for a second there https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790766591526735887 my personal opinion on the current day to future timeline he's pointing us at: (I added a question mark to those I'm unsure of or if I just have no idea what to make of it) 😳 *blush* the sneeze (Jan 28, 2021) 💩 it all went to shit 😿 sad kitty 🥜 ? 🐸 figures out leaps 🍦Ryan Cohen ice cream tweet (Feb 24, 2021) 🤢 feeling sick (speaking with RC?) 👍 okay, we got this figured out(?) 👊 we fight back(?) 💀 shorts are dead (?) 🥸 playing pretend 🤩 PleasrDao? ⚡? 🎮CandyCon? 🚀? 🍄? 💥explosion 🍏going green 🤨he bought more shares than he should've been able to(?) 🥴so many shares(?) 💜DRSing his shares gained along these last 3 years 🫂farewell(?) 👌everything's working according to plan 🤝a deal (?) ⛺camping (?) 😼confident kitty 🎯hitting the target price/hitting his personal target (?) --I still don't know what to make of this part, hence why I need you apes-- 👀 (black and white) 🐶 hedgies, obviously (black and white) 🇺🇸 (black and white) 🐶 (color) 🇺🇸 (color) 👀 (black and white, looking back to the previous emojis) can't make anything of this section but it's leading me to believe that it's something important, maybe the eyes looking towards the future and then the other eyes looking towards the past and we're in between right now. 🔥the flame is ignited again 💥explosion 🍻we cheer afterwards I don't know what to make of this but he clearly took the time to reverse the black and white eyes in both directions, so that they look at the dog and america singing turning from black and white to colorful from both directions. https://preview.redd.it/rb0jc73xgm0d1.png?width=586&format=png&auto=webp&s=6e15d6fa984bc9c3ce6412c22f49fa942c996795 Coming up next, https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790751492451754012 The 29th october date from AVOCADO-IN-MY-ANUS's reddit account, clearly not being about the subreddits as they had nothing to do with the posts (the subreddits were also an obvious choice not to leave second thought about that) but rather the day itself (and maybe the time, although I think he might've chosen 4:20 as a time just for the memes) - 29th october is cat day, the account also posted these at 4:20 EST each year, (boston/dfv local time) and also: (cited from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wall\_Street\_Crash\_of\_1929) "October 29, 1929, "Black Tuesday" hit Wall Street as investors traded some 16 million shares on the New York Stock Exchange in a single day. Around $14 billion of stock value was lost, wiping out thousands of investors. The panic selling reached its peak with some stocks having no buyers at any price. " and so many other tweets that could point to this thesis. He seems like he has a plan and knows for sure he's going to make this happen. I think we are close to putting it all together but this is all that I concluded for now. --- Just took a peek at the video he posted an hour ago while I was writing this: https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790781688848450012 "You're gonna ask me a question? Give me time to respond, unless you're asking rethorically, in which case the answer is obvious, YES." -Proceeds to ask rethorically: "Ok, can I ask you?". "Yes", answers rhetorically. "Thanks".[...] Where have you been? "Waiting... because it's part of THE PLAN" TL:DR I think DFV and RC worked together for a far outcome on how to play this right, HE is joining the board soon, they do have a plan and it's all working. BUY DRS HODL and remember: DFV is not only a smart guy, but also a STORYTELLER, especially as we speak right now. He is telling us everything we need to know. we might just have the answer in plain sight, right now. if we focus on the stock price so much we might just miss the obvious message he is working so hard on, MOASS is coming. not financial advice |
2024.05.15 19:37 ctrpt Mysterious lumps
About a year ago, I had a deep, slightly painful lump grow in my inner upper right arm. It felt deep and it was in the soft tissue. It could move around like a marble. After a few days, the skin over it it was slightly red. Nothing ever came to the surface. After about a week, it disappeared.
Now, I have another one in the soft tissue of my left hand lateral to the 5th metatarsal bone. This one is more irritating, because I am a lefty. It hurts when pressed on and there is it an underlying ache even when left alone (same as the previous one).
What could this possibly be?
40F, 179lbs, healthy, levothyroxine, xyzal, singulair,
submitted by ctrpt to AskDocs [link] [comments]
Now, I have another one in the soft tissue of my left hand lateral to the 5th metatarsal bone. This one is more irritating, because I am a lefty. It hurts when pressed on and there is it an underlying ache even when left alone (same as the previous one).
What could this possibly be?
40F, 179lbs, healthy, levothyroxine, xyzal, singulair,
2024.05.15 19:32 MischievousHex I don't normally post about politics but...
Have you guys seen Project 2025?? This is about U.S. politics by the way, and my vent is that we DO NOT pay enough attention to what is happening behind the scenes in politics. We just don't. So for the love of everything, please research and inform yourself about what Project 2025 is because it can and should heavily impact your vote for president at the end of this year.
Imma be blunt so nobody has to wonder where I lean. I lean democrat, but I love seeing moderate politics in action and we have seen some of that with Biden and I know it's upset many Democrats but moderate is compromise and compromise is healthy!! I'm so done with playing extremes! Let's calm down! Let's compromise! Let's be peaceful! We're all Americans and we should want what is best for ALL OF US together as a country.
These extremes we are playing with are dangerous. Like, looking at Project 2025 there's stuff they want to prioritize like centralizing things around stable families and combating the porn industry to defund and end sexual exploitation and attack human trafficking. That is GREAT. I LOVE THOSE IDEAS!
However, even with how much I love those ideas, they're taking it WAY TO FAR. It's incredibly extreme. We can stabilize families without annihilating terms that help people understand themselves and their sexuality. We can demolish the porn industry and recognize that porn is addictive without further victimizing the people impacted by porn by suddenly outlawing and banning it and metaphorically pulling the rug out from underneath people's feet. I mean, people work for a living in the porn industry and addicts will either experience severe withdrawal or find themselves on the wrong side of the law because they can't stop themselves from looking at something that is suddenly illegal.
What I'm getting at, is I like some of the things they want to do! I just look at this group that's organized itself into what is now called Project 2025 and I terrifies me! They want to make drastic and extreme changes very rapidly, things that society is not capable of withstanding, and even the governmental and legislative changes they want make push us more towards autocracy and away from democracy and being a republic. I can't stress this enough, this next election has the potential to bring about EXTREME, permanent, chaotic, or reforming change. This could be good or it could be VERY VERY BAD.
I'm not here to tell you how to vote or what to do, I'm just here to show you that this is a thing. I want everyone to know there's organizations that are pre-meditating to gain power and control and bring gigantic change to the government and society at large. Sure, we say this every election, but this is different. I'm 27 and I haven't had decades of voting under my belt but I've never seen or heard of anything like this Project 2025 and my parents and grandparents have never spoken to me about seeing anything like this either. The fact that there's a gigantic slew of politicians organizing themselves to basically overrun government offices and implement immediate, drastic change is something we as Americans should consider carefully! If you want these changes and you believe they can pull it off, then vote that way! But I urge you to consider how much dysfunction and choas they can cause in a short amount of time if they defund the DOJ, dismantle the FBI and DHS, completely turn away from the climate crisis, eliminate the department of commerce, and look at ending things like the department of Education, the Federal Communications Division, and the Federal Trade Commission.
They're also talking about getting rid of all abortions, even medically necessary ones, country wide. They want to ban contraceptives. They want to, and I quote from Project 2025s own mandate "delete the use of terms like sexual orientation, gender identity, gender, inclusion, gender equality, gender equity, gender awareness, abortion, reproductive health, and reproduction rights"
All I'm asking is for us all to pay attention, to see what this is, and see if you WANT to support this or not. You WON'T find this plan on Trump's website or as an official part of his campaign but even Project 2025 itself admits they believe Trump will win the presidency and then they and Trump will be able to accomplish all of Project 2025s goals.
Again, I'm not telling you what to prioritize or how to vote, but I want you to know a vote for Trump is a vote for Project 2025 as well. If that's what you want, then vote Trump in. If not, vote for someone else. And, for those of you who find that you too, like me, genuinely agree with some of what they want to do, consider the big picture, NOT just the part you agree with. Also consider how this impacts your friends and families. No gender equality and no reproductive rights greatly impacts ALL women. Think about your daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. They may not ever want an abortion or a hysterectomy or birth control but what if something happens to their health and they suddenly NEED one of those things to save their life or improve their quality of life? If you have any friends or family that are trans or identify as anything other than heterosexual, they are trying to DELETE their identifiers. They're trying to ERASE entire parts of people.
To end my vent, again, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you to be aware. Don't think "Oh we always say the other party is going to destroy American, it doesn't really matter as it always works out fine anyways" because Project 2025 is the evidence that CHANGE WILL HAPPEN. I can't foresee if it will destroy us or not, but I can say that trying to do THIS MUCH DRASTIC CHANGE will alter our country permanently.
If ever there was a time to take an election seriously, NOW IS THE TIME! VOTE YOUR CONCIENCE!! Don't vote by part lines, don't vote with your wallet, don't vote based upon who you hear about more... Do your do diligence and vote carefully and with purpose!
To wrap this up, here's some sources for people to read for themselves:
This is from project 2025s website and if you find the "read the mandate" button under the picture of their book it goes in depth on what they want to do and why.
https://www.project2025.org/policy/
Scrutinize me for using Wikipedia all you want but it's a good way to get a brief summary that discusses concerns and narratives as seen by the people pushing this agenda and the people worried about if this agenda is seen to fruition.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_2025
Please feel free to add other sources in the comments. Feel free to discuss as well, but don't turn this into Trump vs Biden or Democrats vs Republicans. This is meant to put a spotlight on Project 2025 and whether or not it's goals would be good for us! For our country! That's it!
Also, I'm editing for typos as I've found a couple but nothing else has been altered and I cross posted this to GenZ because I'm GenZ and we commonly discuss politics there.
submitted by MischievousHex to Vent [link] [comments]
Imma be blunt so nobody has to wonder where I lean. I lean democrat, but I love seeing moderate politics in action and we have seen some of that with Biden and I know it's upset many Democrats but moderate is compromise and compromise is healthy!! I'm so done with playing extremes! Let's calm down! Let's compromise! Let's be peaceful! We're all Americans and we should want what is best for ALL OF US together as a country.
These extremes we are playing with are dangerous. Like, looking at Project 2025 there's stuff they want to prioritize like centralizing things around stable families and combating the porn industry to defund and end sexual exploitation and attack human trafficking. That is GREAT. I LOVE THOSE IDEAS!
However, even with how much I love those ideas, they're taking it WAY TO FAR. It's incredibly extreme. We can stabilize families without annihilating terms that help people understand themselves and their sexuality. We can demolish the porn industry and recognize that porn is addictive without further victimizing the people impacted by porn by suddenly outlawing and banning it and metaphorically pulling the rug out from underneath people's feet. I mean, people work for a living in the porn industry and addicts will either experience severe withdrawal or find themselves on the wrong side of the law because they can't stop themselves from looking at something that is suddenly illegal.
What I'm getting at, is I like some of the things they want to do! I just look at this group that's organized itself into what is now called Project 2025 and I terrifies me! They want to make drastic and extreme changes very rapidly, things that society is not capable of withstanding, and even the governmental and legislative changes they want make push us more towards autocracy and away from democracy and being a republic. I can't stress this enough, this next election has the potential to bring about EXTREME, permanent, chaotic, or reforming change. This could be good or it could be VERY VERY BAD.
I'm not here to tell you how to vote or what to do, I'm just here to show you that this is a thing. I want everyone to know there's organizations that are pre-meditating to gain power and control and bring gigantic change to the government and society at large. Sure, we say this every election, but this is different. I'm 27 and I haven't had decades of voting under my belt but I've never seen or heard of anything like this Project 2025 and my parents and grandparents have never spoken to me about seeing anything like this either. The fact that there's a gigantic slew of politicians organizing themselves to basically overrun government offices and implement immediate, drastic change is something we as Americans should consider carefully! If you want these changes and you believe they can pull it off, then vote that way! But I urge you to consider how much dysfunction and choas they can cause in a short amount of time if they defund the DOJ, dismantle the FBI and DHS, completely turn away from the climate crisis, eliminate the department of commerce, and look at ending things like the department of Education, the Federal Communications Division, and the Federal Trade Commission.
They're also talking about getting rid of all abortions, even medically necessary ones, country wide. They want to ban contraceptives. They want to, and I quote from Project 2025s own mandate "delete the use of terms like sexual orientation, gender identity, gender, inclusion, gender equality, gender equity, gender awareness, abortion, reproductive health, and reproduction rights"
All I'm asking is for us all to pay attention, to see what this is, and see if you WANT to support this or not. You WON'T find this plan on Trump's website or as an official part of his campaign but even Project 2025 itself admits they believe Trump will win the presidency and then they and Trump will be able to accomplish all of Project 2025s goals.
Again, I'm not telling you what to prioritize or how to vote, but I want you to know a vote for Trump is a vote for Project 2025 as well. If that's what you want, then vote Trump in. If not, vote for someone else. And, for those of you who find that you too, like me, genuinely agree with some of what they want to do, consider the big picture, NOT just the part you agree with. Also consider how this impacts your friends and families. No gender equality and no reproductive rights greatly impacts ALL women. Think about your daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. They may not ever want an abortion or a hysterectomy or birth control but what if something happens to their health and they suddenly NEED one of those things to save their life or improve their quality of life? If you have any friends or family that are trans or identify as anything other than heterosexual, they are trying to DELETE their identifiers. They're trying to ERASE entire parts of people.
To end my vent, again, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you to be aware. Don't think "Oh we always say the other party is going to destroy American, it doesn't really matter as it always works out fine anyways" because Project 2025 is the evidence that CHANGE WILL HAPPEN. I can't foresee if it will destroy us or not, but I can say that trying to do THIS MUCH DRASTIC CHANGE will alter our country permanently.
If ever there was a time to take an election seriously, NOW IS THE TIME! VOTE YOUR CONCIENCE!! Don't vote by part lines, don't vote with your wallet, don't vote based upon who you hear about more... Do your do diligence and vote carefully and with purpose!
To wrap this up, here's some sources for people to read for themselves:
This is from project 2025s website and if you find the "read the mandate" button under the picture of their book it goes in depth on what they want to do and why.
https://www.project2025.org/policy/
Scrutinize me for using Wikipedia all you want but it's a good way to get a brief summary that discusses concerns and narratives as seen by the people pushing this agenda and the people worried about if this agenda is seen to fruition.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_2025
Please feel free to add other sources in the comments. Feel free to discuss as well, but don't turn this into Trump vs Biden or Democrats vs Republicans. This is meant to put a spotlight on Project 2025 and whether or not it's goals would be good for us! For our country! That's it!
Also, I'm editing for typos as I've found a couple but nothing else has been altered and I cross posted this to GenZ because I'm GenZ and we commonly discuss politics there.
2024.05.15 19:26 yoncexwhit What would you do?
I went in for my six week follow up to check the placement of my Mirena under ultrasound. They can’t see one of the other arms. They say it’s either broken or moved into my tubes. I scheduled another appointment for next week to go in and have it removed under ultrasound and another one placed.
Here’s my dilemma. On the one hand I do want to have it reinserted as I feel it’s the best birth control option for me right now. I haven’t had any noticeable issues or side effects with it. I also don’t want any more children between now and like the next two years.
On the other hand I’m scared that I’ve put my health in jeopardy by doing or causing potential damage to my insides or that new problems will arise due to the hormones. The only other option I’ll consider is the mini pill but I know it’s not as effective.
So with all I just wrote, if you were me would you have a new one placed or get it removed entirely?
submitted by yoncexwhit to Mirena [link] [comments]
Here’s my dilemma. On the one hand I do want to have it reinserted as I feel it’s the best birth control option for me right now. I haven’t had any noticeable issues or side effects with it. I also don’t want any more children between now and like the next two years.
On the other hand I’m scared that I’ve put my health in jeopardy by doing or causing potential damage to my insides or that new problems will arise due to the hormones. The only other option I’ll consider is the mini pill but I know it’s not as effective.
So with all I just wrote, if you were me would you have a new one placed or get it removed entirely?
2024.05.15 19:19 x993231 X From Ihub with a few thoughts See some of you next week
Lol now ihub punk is asking “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators and other products? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo?"
"When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales?"
"What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?”
Punkin has come a long way, he used to say that it could never be done, now he keeps falling back, apparently trying to hold the line, lol, now he is asking questions about revenue and dang even invoking God to help humanity as his reason for posting in his credentials. Even if one thinks that they are right that is quite a statement, typically something that a reasonable person keeps to themselves a life's effort is something between them and their creator. I have no idea where this technology will lead or what it will solve, my goal is an investment, certainly not divine, I have no clue in the end who it will truly benefit but the medical thing does have potential.
Today I'm happy with thousands of modulators on a foundry produced wafer. And thousands of modulators from a few ounces of Perkinamine. These modulators Triple the speed, reduce the power and are 1/30 the size of today's modulators. Lebby will fill us in on what we need, he is far more intelligent than anyone on this board.
Read on folks.
Oh and do not forget about those that sold early (or didn’t sell early) that purport to be long and like to consistently complain every single time the price drops. Let me try to explain it this way, this is not a sports game, this is a technology, so unlike sports, points can be literally be taken of the scoreboard by simply borrowing and selling shares (shorts). Remember though that those shares must be purchased back and until then the actual score of the game is not known. So the shorts agenda is to sell it down then try and convince folks to sell them shares at that discounted price. Some longs do not understand that they are helping the shorts at their game. That being said, there are currently 17% more shares sold than exist. They have borrowed those shares and pay interest daily and have sold them to us with the hope of buying them back at a reduced price (Some purported longs even try to help them) apparently, they think that if they complain it will force an NVDA, Microsoft, IBM, Amazon to reach an agreement with Lightwave sooner. Well, it will not change the speed of the adoption of the technology, I’m all for doing a tier1 agreement, but a few quick little agreements could force their hand so the Tier1’s do not have to have to honor those agreements should the company be taken over. Some seam to forget that until now Silicon photonics could keep up, but no more and with AI we just entered a new world, where the pace set by Moore's Law for silicon photonics is leisurely compared to this new demand. AI is totally on a sprint, with its computational power doubling not every two years, but approximately every six months.
Let me look at what the shorts have said over the years basically throwing spaghetti at the wall and have been proven wrong. Patents were filed in 2020, 2021, ALD I think was 2022. Patents were not made public, the shorts were babbling meanwhile Lebby had not only solved it but wrote and submitted patents.
Here are the 10 top B.S. short myths, trying to suppress the stock so they could try and cover I also think that there are a few purported longs that sold prematurely that are now helping to push the shorts game forward, meanwhile with the next deal announcement the dam is about to burst.
I’d love to see Punkin hold a conversation with Lebby one on one for 5 minutes, it would be hilarious,
Shorts and those paid by the shorts to act like they “know something” won't even tell you when they are short, they just say, no not short just here to spend my life 7 days a week helping folks that I have never met. Well, here they are, you tell me guys.
1.) The shorts had worked for months to try and convince investors that Lightwave had a problem poling. Then low and behold Lightwave unveiled 2 patents they submitted years prior solving that issue.
2.) The shorts claimed for years Lightwave could not protect the device in anything other than a gold box, then Lightwave unveiled the ALD patent that they had acquired. Basically, hair spray over the finished chip is all that is needed. The foundries are using the same thing over the electronics side of the chip. Understand that even if someone else invents an EO Polymer Lightwave Owns the Patent on ALD over Polymers. Comprende?
3.) The shorts claimed Lightwaves material was not stable, Wham Bam blown out of the water yet again.
4.) Shorts said that Lightwave could never get this under 1 volt, well Lightwave did, in fact Lightwaves polymer is so sensitive that their modulators can function without the aid of driver to boost the voltage. Basically the electrons in the 1's and 0's rolling off the silicon can embed themselves into the laser using Lightwaves polymer. Oh and by the way, Lightwave also owns the patent on a driverless Polymer Modulator. Even if someone perfects a stable sensitive EO polymer when the want to do direct drive, they have to come knocking on Lightwaves door with cash in hand.
5.) For the 6 months leading up to last years annual shareholder meeting the shorts stated Lightwave could not close a commercial deal all the then like now trying to convince us that the sky was falling and once again Lebby delivered.
6.) For months the shorts said Lightwave could not use anything other than gold on their electrodes, well guess the F what, yup, once again (at the shareholders meeting) Lebby put up a slide of successful foundry runs and when asked by me if the contacts labeled AL on the slide stood for Aluminum Lebby said “yes, we use that any many other materials as well”. I asked about aluminum corrosion, the response was, X (you idiot) that is what the ALD will also protect.
7.) The Shorts were trying to convince longs that the foundry had not made progress on PDK’s, Lebby certainly blew them out of the water on that as well. As info PDK’s are process development kits, it is how the foundries make Lightwaves devices available to the public so when an NVDA’s, Amazon (AWS), Cisco or Fujitsu are designing devices they can check that box and add that to their device in the foundry. 2 weeks ago lebby said the foundries have thousands of modulators per wafer. On question that I need to understand is that with thousands of devices on a wafer how many of those thousands of modulators are affected by the kerf when dicing (sawing or scribing?)
8) The shorts used to say that it couldn’t me done now as you see Pumpkin is asking Yes but “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo? When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales? What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?” Lol, Lol and again Lol It sounds like Pumpkin is finally being honest, perhaps it is by divine intervention on his posts
9) As info the institutions now own 26% of the shares, The shorts would have us believe that is irrelevant, wait what?
10) I like this, Ted who also has another ID said that he gets his info from the internet because everything on it is true. When asked why he does not use first-hand information he said that he is not good at reading people, lol and yet he watches every video with baited breath.
I know some do not see it but as evidenced by their latest efforts the shorts are worried and it is obvious that whomever they got their info from was consistently years behind making up issues that had in fact already been solved. I would not want to have been an advisor to the shorts.
Lightwave is finally at the stage where they have the patents in place, moved into additional lab space, hired additional lab personnel for making larger quantities of perkinamine, (a few fluid ounces can make thousands of devices) the new lab will be equipped to test larger quantities of chips coming back from foundries, work on new polymers for additional devices (they even have another polymer available for licensing) produce data sheets, standardize bulk testing, they have even hired a dedicated deal maker, oh also a V.P. dedicated just to working with foundries that are actively running wafers. Now they have added a former Intel deal maker to the board of directors.
Soon this thing will in fact snowball because the industry's "go to" good old silicon photonics has hit the wall it simply cannot run faster. Lightwaves material when added applied to Silicon triples the speed and because it is so sensitive it is 30times smaller and uses 1/10 the power all at a time when AI is pushing the amount of data processed by the data centers through the roof.
~Some of us were wondering why the Lightwave employees were still in town (apparently held over) for an extra 2 days over after the OFC San Frisco meeting, now we see that there were no less than 20 companies that apparently requested an unscheduled impromptu demo on a holiday week (good Friday) after the convention was over. Not only did Lightwave employees not go home but it sounds like a bunch of Tier 1’s and such saw it as important enough to see ASAP. And yes while many on here say that NDA’s do not exist, LOL I’ll bet that not only were NDA’s mandatory but I bet that every demo was “private” by scheduled appointment only and also attended by the various expert employees at Lightwave to get the most bang for the buck.~
Lightwave makes the thing that makes the component better anyone communicating using fiber optics needs it, the entire industry needs it. Think if BASF produces a chemical that makes paint last longer. Why would the paint manufacture tell its competitors what makes their paint so durable. Lightwave is going partner with many and they will simply sell devices that are faster and require less energy, those companies are not going to tell the competition what they do to make that happen. Lightwave will quietly market to the tier1's and they will insist on it in their data centers and devices. The one exception that I see is that if the foundry runs were paid for by Lightwave Logic (vs. say an amazon or facebook etc) Lightwave would do joint public PR of where the industry can order chips with Lightwaves Perkinamine on it (It is called checking the box on the PDK).
The shorting situation will be solved by additional Partnerships and look out when those Partnerships are accompanied by a dividend in a new 3rd party company licensing say the ability to develop the Lidar device market or for the biotech crowd a medical sensing partner, wham short situation solved in short order. Remember that currently they are only talking about Telcom 2km to 10km market but there are so many more.
Currently 1k difference between the buys and sells changed it 1 penny. Folks this is just normal trading without any pressure on the price. This time next week we’ll either be in the lab or in the meeting.
Still trying to digest the effects of T+1 on the shorts especially the foreign exchange rate, Fails To Deliver, Naked shorting etc. it is coming the Tuesday after Memorial Day (Holiday in the U.S., which is the weekend after the Shareholders Meeting), Finra Settlement Date 5/31 which then will mean a trade date of 5/30.
Short Game, Market Maker Game, Institution Game, changing technology
Check it out rainy day so I thought I’d look Punkin “I never said any of those things in that context. I’m just here doing Gods work” https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=174419282 That was in reply to JimJet218’s statement. 1. Couldn't be poled. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=169035142&txt2
Getting spanked so far today.
submitted by x993231 to LWLG [link] [comments]
"When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales?"
"What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?”
Punkin has come a long way, he used to say that it could never be done, now he keeps falling back, apparently trying to hold the line, lol, now he is asking questions about revenue and dang even invoking God to help humanity as his reason for posting in his credentials. Even if one thinks that they are right that is quite a statement, typically something that a reasonable person keeps to themselves a life's effort is something between them and their creator. I have no idea where this technology will lead or what it will solve, my goal is an investment, certainly not divine, I have no clue in the end who it will truly benefit but the medical thing does have potential.
Today I'm happy with thousands of modulators on a foundry produced wafer. And thousands of modulators from a few ounces of Perkinamine. These modulators Triple the speed, reduce the power and are 1/30 the size of today's modulators. Lebby will fill us in on what we need, he is far more intelligent than anyone on this board.
Read on folks.
Oh and do not forget about those that sold early (or didn’t sell early) that purport to be long and like to consistently complain every single time the price drops. Let me try to explain it this way, this is not a sports game, this is a technology, so unlike sports, points can be literally be taken of the scoreboard by simply borrowing and selling shares (shorts). Remember though that those shares must be purchased back and until then the actual score of the game is not known. So the shorts agenda is to sell it down then try and convince folks to sell them shares at that discounted price. Some longs do not understand that they are helping the shorts at their game. That being said, there are currently 17% more shares sold than exist. They have borrowed those shares and pay interest daily and have sold them to us with the hope of buying them back at a reduced price (Some purported longs even try to help them) apparently, they think that if they complain it will force an NVDA, Microsoft, IBM, Amazon to reach an agreement with Lightwave sooner. Well, it will not change the speed of the adoption of the technology, I’m all for doing a tier1 agreement, but a few quick little agreements could force their hand so the Tier1’s do not have to have to honor those agreements should the company be taken over. Some seam to forget that until now Silicon photonics could keep up, but no more and with AI we just entered a new world, where the pace set by Moore's Law for silicon photonics is leisurely compared to this new demand. AI is totally on a sprint, with its computational power doubling not every two years, but approximately every six months.
Let me look at what the shorts have said over the years basically throwing spaghetti at the wall and have been proven wrong. Patents were filed in 2020, 2021, ALD I think was 2022. Patents were not made public, the shorts were babbling meanwhile Lebby had not only solved it but wrote and submitted patents.
Here are the 10 top B.S. short myths, trying to suppress the stock so they could try and cover I also think that there are a few purported longs that sold prematurely that are now helping to push the shorts game forward, meanwhile with the next deal announcement the dam is about to burst.
I’d love to see Punkin hold a conversation with Lebby one on one for 5 minutes, it would be hilarious,
Shorts and those paid by the shorts to act like they “know something” won't even tell you when they are short, they just say, no not short just here to spend my life 7 days a week helping folks that I have never met. Well, here they are, you tell me guys.
1.) The shorts had worked for months to try and convince investors that Lightwave had a problem poling. Then low and behold Lightwave unveiled 2 patents they submitted years prior solving that issue.
2.) The shorts claimed for years Lightwave could not protect the device in anything other than a gold box, then Lightwave unveiled the ALD patent that they had acquired. Basically, hair spray over the finished chip is all that is needed. The foundries are using the same thing over the electronics side of the chip. Understand that even if someone else invents an EO Polymer Lightwave Owns the Patent on ALD over Polymers. Comprende?
3.) The shorts claimed Lightwaves material was not stable, Wham Bam blown out of the water yet again.
4.) Shorts said that Lightwave could never get this under 1 volt, well Lightwave did, in fact Lightwaves polymer is so sensitive that their modulators can function without the aid of driver to boost the voltage. Basically the electrons in the 1's and 0's rolling off the silicon can embed themselves into the laser using Lightwaves polymer. Oh and by the way, Lightwave also owns the patent on a driverless Polymer Modulator. Even if someone perfects a stable sensitive EO polymer when the want to do direct drive, they have to come knocking on Lightwaves door with cash in hand.
5.) For the 6 months leading up to last years annual shareholder meeting the shorts stated Lightwave could not close a commercial deal all the then like now trying to convince us that the sky was falling and once again Lebby delivered.
6.) For months the shorts said Lightwave could not use anything other than gold on their electrodes, well guess the F what, yup, once again (at the shareholders meeting) Lebby put up a slide of successful foundry runs and when asked by me if the contacts labeled AL on the slide stood for Aluminum Lebby said “yes, we use that any many other materials as well”. I asked about aluminum corrosion, the response was, X (you idiot) that is what the ALD will also protect.
7.) The Shorts were trying to convince longs that the foundry had not made progress on PDK’s, Lebby certainly blew them out of the water on that as well. As info PDK’s are process development kits, it is how the foundries make Lightwaves devices available to the public so when an NVDA’s, Amazon (AWS), Cisco or Fujitsu are designing devices they can check that box and add that to their device in the foundry. 2 weeks ago lebby said the foundries have thousands of modulators per wafer. On question that I need to understand is that with thousands of devices on a wafer how many of those thousands of modulators are affected by the kerf when dicing (sawing or scribing?)
8) The shorts used to say that it couldn’t me done now as you see Pumpkin is asking Yes but “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo? When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales? What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?” Lol, Lol and again Lol It sounds like Pumpkin is finally being honest, perhaps it is by divine intervention on his posts
9) As info the institutions now own 26% of the shares, The shorts would have us believe that is irrelevant, wait what?
10) I like this, Ted who also has another ID said that he gets his info from the internet because everything on it is true. When asked why he does not use first-hand information he said that he is not good at reading people, lol and yet he watches every video with baited breath.
I know some do not see it but as evidenced by their latest efforts the shorts are worried and it is obvious that whomever they got their info from was consistently years behind making up issues that had in fact already been solved. I would not want to have been an advisor to the shorts.
Lightwave is finally at the stage where they have the patents in place, moved into additional lab space, hired additional lab personnel for making larger quantities of perkinamine, (a few fluid ounces can make thousands of devices) the new lab will be equipped to test larger quantities of chips coming back from foundries, work on new polymers for additional devices (they even have another polymer available for licensing) produce data sheets, standardize bulk testing, they have even hired a dedicated deal maker, oh also a V.P. dedicated just to working with foundries that are actively running wafers. Now they have added a former Intel deal maker to the board of directors.
Soon this thing will in fact snowball because the industry's "go to" good old silicon photonics has hit the wall it simply cannot run faster. Lightwaves material when added applied to Silicon triples the speed and because it is so sensitive it is 30times smaller and uses 1/10 the power all at a time when AI is pushing the amount of data processed by the data centers through the roof.
~Some of us were wondering why the Lightwave employees were still in town (apparently held over) for an extra 2 days over after the OFC San Frisco meeting, now we see that there were no less than 20 companies that apparently requested an unscheduled impromptu demo on a holiday week (good Friday) after the convention was over. Not only did Lightwave employees not go home but it sounds like a bunch of Tier 1’s and such saw it as important enough to see ASAP. And yes while many on here say that NDA’s do not exist, LOL I’ll bet that not only were NDA’s mandatory but I bet that every demo was “private” by scheduled appointment only and also attended by the various expert employees at Lightwave to get the most bang for the buck.~
Lightwave makes the thing that makes the component better anyone communicating using fiber optics needs it, the entire industry needs it. Think if BASF produces a chemical that makes paint last longer. Why would the paint manufacture tell its competitors what makes their paint so durable. Lightwave is going partner with many and they will simply sell devices that are faster and require less energy, those companies are not going to tell the competition what they do to make that happen. Lightwave will quietly market to the tier1's and they will insist on it in their data centers and devices. The one exception that I see is that if the foundry runs were paid for by Lightwave Logic (vs. say an amazon or facebook etc) Lightwave would do joint public PR of where the industry can order chips with Lightwaves Perkinamine on it (It is called checking the box on the PDK).
The shorting situation will be solved by additional Partnerships and look out when those Partnerships are accompanied by a dividend in a new 3rd party company licensing say the ability to develop the Lidar device market or for the biotech crowd a medical sensing partner, wham short situation solved in short order. Remember that currently they are only talking about Telcom 2km to 10km market but there are so many more.
Currently 1k difference between the buys and sells changed it 1 penny. Folks this is just normal trading without any pressure on the price. This time next week we’ll either be in the lab or in the meeting.
Still trying to digest the effects of T+1 on the shorts especially the foreign exchange rate, Fails To Deliver, Naked shorting etc. it is coming the Tuesday after Memorial Day (Holiday in the U.S., which is the weekend after the Shareholders Meeting), Finra Settlement Date 5/31 which then will mean a trade date of 5/30.
Short Game, Market Maker Game, Institution Game, changing technology
Check it out rainy day so I thought I’d look Punkin “I never said any of those things in that context. I’m just here doing Gods work” https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=174419282 That was in reply to JimJet218’s statement. 1. Couldn't be poled. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=169035142&txt2
- Needed a gold case. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=170733222&txt2
- Would never be less than 1 volt. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=144502197&txt2 Pumpkin claims to be doing “Gods Work”.
Getting spanked so far today.
2024.05.15 19:12 ReadEyeMagpie Do not use or sign up for Kia Connect
Kia has been selling information to LexisNexis who then in turn sells your information to insurance companies making your rates go higher. Every time you go over 80mph it's logged, change lanes without turn signal, stop to quickly or accelerate to fast. All of this is making rates go up and even in the case of State Farm refuse to renew your policy. Delete your Kia Connect account then go to this link to remove your data from the database.
https://optout.lexisnexis.com/
A few states allow this directly through Kia but only 5 of them. So depends upon where you live. This is the email I got from Kia trying to remove my information while residing in South Carolina. Unfortunately they don't have to remove my information upon request so I had to do it myself.
Thank you for contacting Kia customer care. We have researched your request for assistance, please see below the following information on next steps. Go to Kia.com under the Legal section at the bottom of the page click on "Your Privacy Choices". In accordance with California, Colorado, Connecticut, Virginia and Utah law, eligible state residents have several rights with regard to personal information, also known as personal data, that is collected by businesses. We notate our account information appropriately here and you'll fill out the electronic version from the above instructions. Please make a side note: This does not remove anything from distribution lists for other vendors that stem from the dealerships. Please ensure you contact your last Kia dealership you interacted with to inquire how to be removed from any mailing lists. Kia dealerships are privately owned and operated, we have no obligation to hold over the dealerships and their operations.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact the Kia Customer Care Center at (800) 333-4542 and refer to your case number and we will be happy to assist you.
Sincerely, Kia America
If you don't delete your Kia Connect account and just try to remove your information from LexisNexis Kia will just sell it again next month. A few states have started class action lawsuits against Kia, Hyundai, Ford, GMC & Honda for this malicious behavior.
submitted by ReadEyeMagpie to ForteGT [link] [comments]
https://optout.lexisnexis.com/
A few states allow this directly through Kia but only 5 of them. So depends upon where you live. This is the email I got from Kia trying to remove my information while residing in South Carolina. Unfortunately they don't have to remove my information upon request so I had to do it myself.
Thank you for contacting Kia customer care. We have researched your request for assistance, please see below the following information on next steps. Go to Kia.com under the Legal section at the bottom of the page click on "Your Privacy Choices". In accordance with California, Colorado, Connecticut, Virginia and Utah law, eligible state residents have several rights with regard to personal information, also known as personal data, that is collected by businesses. We notate our account information appropriately here and you'll fill out the electronic version from the above instructions. Please make a side note: This does not remove anything from distribution lists for other vendors that stem from the dealerships. Please ensure you contact your last Kia dealership you interacted with to inquire how to be removed from any mailing lists. Kia dealerships are privately owned and operated, we have no obligation to hold over the dealerships and their operations.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact the Kia Customer Care Center at (800) 333-4542 and refer to your case number and we will be happy to assist you.
Sincerely, Kia America
If you don't delete your Kia Connect account and just try to remove your information from LexisNexis Kia will just sell it again next month. A few states have started class action lawsuits against Kia, Hyundai, Ford, GMC & Honda for this malicious behavior.
2024.05.15 19:09 speck_tater Facial Asymmetry and Skin Sagging
Hello. I searched through this sub but haven’t found exactly the same issue I’m having or any answers, so I’m going to ask a couple of questions to see if anyone else is experiencing the same. The issue I’m experiencing:
Thanks for any insight!
submitted by speck_tater to TMJ [link] [comments]
- My TMJ pain is on the right side of my jaw, but my left side is the one that protrudes a little wider out. The right side is slimmer and skin appears tighter, despite the pain being on that side.
- Despite the left side being wider, the skin on my left side is drooping worse (under my eyes, nasiolabial folds, corner of the mouth and slight jowl all sagging on my left)
Thanks for any insight!
2024.05.15 19:09 sambrooks11 crazy family problems (brother i posted this on 2 other vent things but it said i dont meet the requirements like wtf does that mean im js tryna vent bro)
basicly my mom died when i was 7. my dad married this woman, lets call her rachel. they got married when i was around 9ish and had two children who are my half siblings and i have one full sibling. but theyre in the process of a divorce rn. now lets say i live in america however im originaly from another country (lets say morroco). my aunt, from my dads side, (lets call her grace) moved in with us right before corona, she came to 'america' from 'moroco' to find a better job. corona hit and we've been stuck being roomates for 5 years at this point, im 16 rn and shes 32.
i would always spend months saving up money to buy myself nice things, like perfumes, makeup, clothes, stuff for my hair, etc. every single time i would buy something my aunt, grace would automaticly take it and claim ownership. she would put it in her car and refuse to give it back to me. she would always say that 'it was too hot outside' to go to the car, or sometimes even take it to her office and she would never give it back. just last week i got a really expensive perfume from my other aunt who comes from my moms side. ive been wanting this perfume for a year. the moment i got home from getting the perfume grace takes the perfume from me and starts smelling it. she says it smells really nice and gives it back to me. i put it in one of my bags and go to sleep. the next day i wake up and get ready for school and i cant find the perfume anywhere but she said she hasnt taken it, shes lying i can litteraly smell it on her. another thing is that she always smokes cigarets. i had bronchitis and she didnt want to stop smoking around me! which caused my bronchitis to get worse and the doctor recomended that i stay away from her because of how bad it got.
now my full sibling, lets call him alex, is 13 has a lot of problems. not like autism or anything but hes crazy. whenever we would get cakes or anything for birthdays he would eat the cake in ONE DAY A WHOLE A*S CAKE THAT WEIGHS 1KG IN ONE DAY. whenever we get any type of food he finish it all in once sitting. he always eats the really spicy instant noodles in secret which causes him to get very bad stomach problems. he has stolen over $5000 from me. my rooms lock and doorhandle broke a few years ago so i cant even close my door and my dad doesnt want to fix it. i always hide my money or try to keep it on me at all times however he always finds a way to find it. last time i litteraly cut one of my bras open and put the money in the padding and sewed it back up and he still managed to take the money. now ur prolly wondering how do i know for sure hes the one that takes the money. my aunt wont take money from me, only objects, my dad just wouldnt and the only person left in the house is alex. now unless you think my cat is stealing the money then it has to be him. i told my dad about this a billion times and he just keeps telling me "it wasnt alex no way". alex has gotten suspended 4 times since he started highschool (he started litteray 1 year ago). he's gotten into fights at least twice a month. he steals from the whole family not just me. hes stolen so much money from my dad and aunt asweel. he grafitied our neighboors house. whenever he gets something new like a gift like shoes or a game or something, he breaks it in one day. my dad is always making excuses for him and will not punish him for anything he does. my brother always hits me on my vagina and my boobs with belts and slippers and wooden spoons even when im on my period and my dad doesnt do anything about it.
so basicly now about this rachel woman. shes fucking psycotic. when they got married at the beggining she would always fight with me, i would get some crayons or markers to colour and draw with and she would take them from me saying that she wanted to draw. basicly she would act like a kid. a few months before corona she gave birth to my half sister, lets call her mia. she would PURPOSLY STARVE MIA BECAUSE SHE WANTED HER TO HAVE A SKINNY BODY. SHE WOULD STARVE A NEWBORN BRO. she would always put mia to sleep in the middle of the bed right next to my dad and my dad would only get less than an hour of sleep each night for at least two months scared that he was going to crush mia. and he tried to move mia back to her crib but she was already sleeping and if he moved her she would start crying and wouldnt go back to sleep. it got to the point where my dad WHO OWNS THE HOUSE AND EVERYTHING IN IT started sleeping on a carpet on the floor because he was so scared to hurt mia. during corona in 'america' we werent allowed to leave the house at all. we had to file an aplication every week to go grocery shopping and only one person from the whole household could leave the house. since my dad was the one earning the money he went grocery shopping. this one time rachel told my dad she wanted to leave the house so my dad told her next week he would file the aplication saying she leave the house instead. the next day rachel CALLS THE POLICE AND TELLS THEM THAT MY DAD IS HOLDING HER AND MIA HOSTAGE AND THAT HE KIDNAPPED THEM, keep in mind that shes a 32 year old woman. the police obviously come and check things out, my dad told him the story, our maid vouched for him and the security cameras were checked and then the police cleared my dad. a few days after that rachel decided she wants to go back to 'Morocco' because she missed her mom. (her mom is the one encoureging the behavior and encouriging starving mia). rachel said she would report my dad to the police for rape if he didnt let her go so he bought her a ticket and they went. a few days after that we found out that she was pregnant again. but by now corona was really bad and no one could travel.
basicly im not gonna write everything that happened in between then and now but basicly she demaded so many things from my dad around $10,000 monthly for child costs (she doesnt work, never has, even till now) (this is like 2022 by now) my dad does not have that type of money as he already sends them a lot of money and the costs of living in 'america' are a lot and he also has to take care of his parents because hes the oldest so he pays their bills and everything. he filled for divorce because she kept getting crazier, she would threaten to hurt the kids. he tried to get custody of the kids as it was hard because the law in 'moroco' sides with the woman most of the time. she keeps asking for more and more money and my dad went to court and the court set a certain amount. last summer when we went back to 'moroco' rachel and my dad agreed that my dad would take the kids for a full day. the kids were okay with it and had no problems. 2 hours after my dad took his kids from her she comes marching up to my grandparents house, my dads parents, and starts trying to do black magic and demanding that he give her the children back. a few months after that she asked my dad for more money for child care because both of them are starting school now so he sent a bit extra. she used this money to hire a lawyer in 'america' to investigate my dad so she can demand more money from him. today he got a call from one of her lawyers saying that she demands $30,000. since the law in both 'moroco and america' work very fast my dad needs to get a certain paper before firday (its wednsday 9pm at this moment) and if he doesnt then she can take the money from him or something like that im not sure.
i dont know what to do anymore im scared that we're gonna go bankrupt. my dad is paying for expenses for 4 people here in 'america', me him alex and my aunt grace because shes a free loader and is living here for free and refuses to get a job. he's paying for her living and my two half siblings,. the house that my dad aunt brother and me and living in today is under my dads name but alex and i own a bit of it because my dad bought it with my mom before she died and when she died it was split into 3 to me, my dad and my brother, part of it was also given to my grandfather from my moms side lets call him charles and charles demanded that we sell the house imediatly because he didnt want us living there anymore and there was nowhere we could go. my dad had to pay a lot of money to get us to keep the house. rachel wants half of everything my dad owns. that means half of the house, half of his salery half of everything. shes asking for $30,000 and my dad doesnt even make that much in two months.
anyway thats my vent hope u enjoyed. if you read till here congrats thank you! have a good day and a good life! :)
submitted by sambrooks11 to TeenVent [link] [comments]
i would always spend months saving up money to buy myself nice things, like perfumes, makeup, clothes, stuff for my hair, etc. every single time i would buy something my aunt, grace would automaticly take it and claim ownership. she would put it in her car and refuse to give it back to me. she would always say that 'it was too hot outside' to go to the car, or sometimes even take it to her office and she would never give it back. just last week i got a really expensive perfume from my other aunt who comes from my moms side. ive been wanting this perfume for a year. the moment i got home from getting the perfume grace takes the perfume from me and starts smelling it. she says it smells really nice and gives it back to me. i put it in one of my bags and go to sleep. the next day i wake up and get ready for school and i cant find the perfume anywhere but she said she hasnt taken it, shes lying i can litteraly smell it on her. another thing is that she always smokes cigarets. i had bronchitis and she didnt want to stop smoking around me! which caused my bronchitis to get worse and the doctor recomended that i stay away from her because of how bad it got.
now my full sibling, lets call him alex, is 13 has a lot of problems. not like autism or anything but hes crazy. whenever we would get cakes or anything for birthdays he would eat the cake in ONE DAY A WHOLE A*S CAKE THAT WEIGHS 1KG IN ONE DAY. whenever we get any type of food he finish it all in once sitting. he always eats the really spicy instant noodles in secret which causes him to get very bad stomach problems. he has stolen over $5000 from me. my rooms lock and doorhandle broke a few years ago so i cant even close my door and my dad doesnt want to fix it. i always hide my money or try to keep it on me at all times however he always finds a way to find it. last time i litteraly cut one of my bras open and put the money in the padding and sewed it back up and he still managed to take the money. now ur prolly wondering how do i know for sure hes the one that takes the money. my aunt wont take money from me, only objects, my dad just wouldnt and the only person left in the house is alex. now unless you think my cat is stealing the money then it has to be him. i told my dad about this a billion times and he just keeps telling me "it wasnt alex no way". alex has gotten suspended 4 times since he started highschool (he started litteray 1 year ago). he's gotten into fights at least twice a month. he steals from the whole family not just me. hes stolen so much money from my dad and aunt asweel. he grafitied our neighboors house. whenever he gets something new like a gift like shoes or a game or something, he breaks it in one day. my dad is always making excuses for him and will not punish him for anything he does. my brother always hits me on my vagina and my boobs with belts and slippers and wooden spoons even when im on my period and my dad doesnt do anything about it.
so basicly now about this rachel woman. shes fucking psycotic. when they got married at the beggining she would always fight with me, i would get some crayons or markers to colour and draw with and she would take them from me saying that she wanted to draw. basicly she would act like a kid. a few months before corona she gave birth to my half sister, lets call her mia. she would PURPOSLY STARVE MIA BECAUSE SHE WANTED HER TO HAVE A SKINNY BODY. SHE WOULD STARVE A NEWBORN BRO. she would always put mia to sleep in the middle of the bed right next to my dad and my dad would only get less than an hour of sleep each night for at least two months scared that he was going to crush mia. and he tried to move mia back to her crib but she was already sleeping and if he moved her she would start crying and wouldnt go back to sleep. it got to the point where my dad WHO OWNS THE HOUSE AND EVERYTHING IN IT started sleeping on a carpet on the floor because he was so scared to hurt mia. during corona in 'america' we werent allowed to leave the house at all. we had to file an aplication every week to go grocery shopping and only one person from the whole household could leave the house. since my dad was the one earning the money he went grocery shopping. this one time rachel told my dad she wanted to leave the house so my dad told her next week he would file the aplication saying she leave the house instead. the next day rachel CALLS THE POLICE AND TELLS THEM THAT MY DAD IS HOLDING HER AND MIA HOSTAGE AND THAT HE KIDNAPPED THEM, keep in mind that shes a 32 year old woman. the police obviously come and check things out, my dad told him the story, our maid vouched for him and the security cameras were checked and then the police cleared my dad. a few days after that rachel decided she wants to go back to 'Morocco' because she missed her mom. (her mom is the one encoureging the behavior and encouriging starving mia). rachel said she would report my dad to the police for rape if he didnt let her go so he bought her a ticket and they went. a few days after that we found out that she was pregnant again. but by now corona was really bad and no one could travel.
basicly im not gonna write everything that happened in between then and now but basicly she demaded so many things from my dad around $10,000 monthly for child costs (she doesnt work, never has, even till now) (this is like 2022 by now) my dad does not have that type of money as he already sends them a lot of money and the costs of living in 'america' are a lot and he also has to take care of his parents because hes the oldest so he pays their bills and everything. he filled for divorce because she kept getting crazier, she would threaten to hurt the kids. he tried to get custody of the kids as it was hard because the law in 'moroco' sides with the woman most of the time. she keeps asking for more and more money and my dad went to court and the court set a certain amount. last summer when we went back to 'moroco' rachel and my dad agreed that my dad would take the kids for a full day. the kids were okay with it and had no problems. 2 hours after my dad took his kids from her she comes marching up to my grandparents house, my dads parents, and starts trying to do black magic and demanding that he give her the children back. a few months after that she asked my dad for more money for child care because both of them are starting school now so he sent a bit extra. she used this money to hire a lawyer in 'america' to investigate my dad so she can demand more money from him. today he got a call from one of her lawyers saying that she demands $30,000. since the law in both 'moroco and america' work very fast my dad needs to get a certain paper before firday (its wednsday 9pm at this moment) and if he doesnt then she can take the money from him or something like that im not sure.
i dont know what to do anymore im scared that we're gonna go bankrupt. my dad is paying for expenses for 4 people here in 'america', me him alex and my aunt grace because shes a free loader and is living here for free and refuses to get a job. he's paying for her living and my two half siblings,. the house that my dad aunt brother and me and living in today is under my dads name but alex and i own a bit of it because my dad bought it with my mom before she died and when she died it was split into 3 to me, my dad and my brother, part of it was also given to my grandfather from my moms side lets call him charles and charles demanded that we sell the house imediatly because he didnt want us living there anymore and there was nowhere we could go. my dad had to pay a lot of money to get us to keep the house. rachel wants half of everything my dad owns. that means half of the house, half of his salery half of everything. shes asking for $30,000 and my dad doesnt even make that much in two months.
anyway thats my vent hope u enjoyed. if you read till here congrats thank you! have a good day and a good life! :)
2024.05.15 19:04 InstructionUnique722 How can I 32m mend the relationship between my wife 31f and my mother 63f?
The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
submitted by InstructionUnique722 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
2024.05.15 18:54 DeluluIsTheSolulu Black Flag Family
Hello everyone, I want to share my story, it's actually super long but I'll just share a part of it and sorry if it's a bit messy, as a lot of things are on my mind. I also wanted to spread a message to all parents
I'm the oldest out of my siblings, I'm 22 this year, from Singapore. Ever since I was little, my parents have both been a hot headed person and aggressive. They would fight and say nasty words, Infront of their kids. My father is the worse out of the two, being emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. As a kid, we always thought our parents are right as it's what our parents taught us. We suffer many scars both visible and non visible
Back in 2016, the biggest fight happened between my parents and almost everyone in the family tree was being mentioned and getting involved. When they got divorced and my mom left him, my father dragged me and my siblings so that we can't see our mother. My father would always manipulate us and say nastiest things about my mother to make us go against her, and after every prayer (5 times a day), he would make prayers to curse my mother and her family, even cursing my late grandmother (mom's side).
Me and my siblings were still young and didn't understand the situation so we went along as we are afraid of him. Since then also, my parents had been using me to send a message to each parents on what they wanted to say to each other and involving me in their problem because I'm the eldest daughter and is responsible, is what they say.
ONE DAY... He suddenly was missing my mom and he came to me and was taking his feelings out on me. I was told to sleep in the same bed as him (I was 14), and I was uncomfortable but I couldn't say no because of fear. I build like a barricade of pillows between us but he took them away and keep scooching closer and touching me weirdly. I try to sleep but I was crying internally because I couldn't do anything.
For many years, I've been trying to get help but no one was around, and my younger siblings also don't know what to do. Back in 2021 up to now, I've been filing police report against my father but the police turned it down, saying a teen like me don't understand. A policeman even said to my face, "That's what father's do, I also have a young daughter, it's fatherly love" I was shocked and angry, my entire body burning because how can a POLICEMAN say that! From then on, I had a grudge with Police officers
So after that, I decided to finally tell my dad's side of the family (Aunties,uncles, grandparents) and their answer was, "That's your father, just forgive him, it was an accident. He just saw you as your mother", again, I was so upset because it doesn't matter if you're a parent or not, wrong is wrong.
Because of this entire mess, I escaped and moved to a shelter home under protection and had been going to seek help at Institute of Mental Health. I was diagnosed with a lot of issues and my family, again, said to my face, "What you mean you got depression? PTSD? What nonsense" To them, mental health issues don't exist and I'm just making excuses. It was at a point that I tried to Kms and got warded multiple times. Until now, I haven't recover, and me and my siblings are left alone to survive. I've been studying and working, providing for both of us, even paying bills. We can get financial support from government but it's also something temporary.
I'm trying my best to recover, seeking help, and getting support that I need, so I hope all this crap will end soon. I'm still in contact with my mother, I love her lots and she also suffered humiliation from my dad's family but I'll always be there to cheer her up
My message to all the parents or even guardians out there, please never ever bring your issues and dump it to your children and involving them. Be kind to your kids and I still agree on disciplinary but do not be too harsh on them to the point of both physical and mental trauma. And please take Mental Health more seriously, for everyone. You may never know, but when your kids grow distant, you will really regret it, and even lose them in your lives.
Thank you for providing this platform to share our stories, especially for me who has not really anyone to talk to, I appreciate it
submitted by DeluluIsTheSolulu to redflagsTA [link] [comments]
I'm the oldest out of my siblings, I'm 22 this year, from Singapore. Ever since I was little, my parents have both been a hot headed person and aggressive. They would fight and say nasty words, Infront of their kids. My father is the worse out of the two, being emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. As a kid, we always thought our parents are right as it's what our parents taught us. We suffer many scars both visible and non visible
Back in 2016, the biggest fight happened between my parents and almost everyone in the family tree was being mentioned and getting involved. When they got divorced and my mom left him, my father dragged me and my siblings so that we can't see our mother. My father would always manipulate us and say nastiest things about my mother to make us go against her, and after every prayer (5 times a day), he would make prayers to curse my mother and her family, even cursing my late grandmother (mom's side).
Me and my siblings were still young and didn't understand the situation so we went along as we are afraid of him. Since then also, my parents had been using me to send a message to each parents on what they wanted to say to each other and involving me in their problem because I'm the eldest daughter and is responsible, is what they say.
ONE DAY... He suddenly was missing my mom and he came to me and was taking his feelings out on me. I was told to sleep in the same bed as him (I was 14), and I was uncomfortable but I couldn't say no because of fear. I build like a barricade of pillows between us but he took them away and keep scooching closer and touching me weirdly. I try to sleep but I was crying internally because I couldn't do anything.
For many years, I've been trying to get help but no one was around, and my younger siblings also don't know what to do. Back in 2021 up to now, I've been filing police report against my father but the police turned it down, saying a teen like me don't understand. A policeman even said to my face, "That's what father's do, I also have a young daughter, it's fatherly love" I was shocked and angry, my entire body burning because how can a POLICEMAN say that! From then on, I had a grudge with Police officers
So after that, I decided to finally tell my dad's side of the family (Aunties,uncles, grandparents) and their answer was, "That's your father, just forgive him, it was an accident. He just saw you as your mother", again, I was so upset because it doesn't matter if you're a parent or not, wrong is wrong.
Because of this entire mess, I escaped and moved to a shelter home under protection and had been going to seek help at Institute of Mental Health. I was diagnosed with a lot of issues and my family, again, said to my face, "What you mean you got depression? PTSD? What nonsense" To them, mental health issues don't exist and I'm just making excuses. It was at a point that I tried to Kms and got warded multiple times. Until now, I haven't recover, and me and my siblings are left alone to survive. I've been studying and working, providing for both of us, even paying bills. We can get financial support from government but it's also something temporary.
I'm trying my best to recover, seeking help, and getting support that I need, so I hope all this crap will end soon. I'm still in contact with my mother, I love her lots and she also suffered humiliation from my dad's family but I'll always be there to cheer her up
My message to all the parents or even guardians out there, please never ever bring your issues and dump it to your children and involving them. Be kind to your kids and I still agree on disciplinary but do not be too harsh on them to the point of both physical and mental trauma. And please take Mental Health more seriously, for everyone. You may never know, but when your kids grow distant, you will really regret it, and even lose them in your lives.
Thank you for providing this platform to share our stories, especially for me who has not really anyone to talk to, I appreciate it
2024.05.15 18:52 TheWalkingDude1331 I regret not being more violent against him
Typical high-school story: I had a bully on my tail. He was one of those assholes that kept bugging me, jumping me and laughing while he pushed me around. And it happened once in a while, mostly I could avoid him. High school started at 9, and I used to walk to school so I would be there at 8, because about half past 8, the buses would come. And he would get on the walk from the parking lot up to the school.
Whenever he would bully me, I tried the pacifist approach first, just get away from there, he was an asshole anyway, not worth my time.... I remember one time in winter when him and his goons shoved me into a pile of snow and smoshed a snowball right into my face. I struggled to break free and then he suddenly just pushed me hard so I fell to the ground. I remember one of my friends (bless his heart) asking me if I was okay? "That looked like it hurt." I just said "I am fine!" before going away to a place to cry by myself and cursing the bully under my breath. That was all.
Until one day when I was on my way to the cafeteria. He stood in the middle of the doorway, blocking it and grinning widely. I asked if he could move, to which he just grinned "Hurr hurr, please move...". I turned around and started to walk away, thinking again to not start something..... Then I heard him laughing to his goons behind my back. And something snapped. I turned around and I ran straight against him, grabbing him by his collar and pushed him through the door! He fell down and I went into the cafeteria. I think I must've suprised him because he didn't get up and chase after me or something. My memory is hazy after this, I don't think I stopped the bully entirely because he could still call me names. Still, better than getting jumped.
When I tell this story, people can go "Good for you, you stood up for yourself against that bully!" Me though.... I feel I I should've done more! I can catch myself fantasizing about when he was lying there on the floor after I had pushed him, how I should've kicked his teeth in, gouged an eye out, stomped on his ribcage... I know, it wouldn't have been a good idea at the time, I would've gotten into all sorts of trouble. And it's just a power fantasy, ain't it? Only those things that happens in "macho-bullshit-fantasyland". I don't think I would be that violent, I didn't have the stomach for it then and certainly not now. Still, I hate this guy. So very much.
And yet, I don't want to hate this guy so much. I mean I am in my mid-30s now, I have dealt with issues bigger than him. The last time I saw the guy was at the pub, and since then I haven't seen him. He glanced at me and was like "Hey... I recognize you, you're (some guys) little brother, ain't ya?" To which I just glared at him and replied "Nope, I am the kid you bullied in high school." To which he just scoffed, that didn't happen.... But he did give me several glares throughout the night. As if he was scared of me trying something, maybe he thought I was drunk enough to try and hit him with a bottle or something?
Hell, he might've become an actual decent person for all I know! If I had been friendly to him at the pub, maybe I would've noticed a new, more mature side to him! Still... I catch myself wishing I had been more violent against him, as if justice still hasn't been done! He made my high school years a hell, and he still hasn't paid for it! He bullied me and... That's it?! He got away?! That's not fair!
submitted by TheWalkingDude1331 to offmychest [link] [comments]
Whenever he would bully me, I tried the pacifist approach first, just get away from there, he was an asshole anyway, not worth my time.... I remember one time in winter when him and his goons shoved me into a pile of snow and smoshed a snowball right into my face. I struggled to break free and then he suddenly just pushed me hard so I fell to the ground. I remember one of my friends (bless his heart) asking me if I was okay? "That looked like it hurt." I just said "I am fine!" before going away to a place to cry by myself and cursing the bully under my breath. That was all.
Until one day when I was on my way to the cafeteria. He stood in the middle of the doorway, blocking it and grinning widely. I asked if he could move, to which he just grinned "Hurr hurr, please move...". I turned around and started to walk away, thinking again to not start something..... Then I heard him laughing to his goons behind my back. And something snapped. I turned around and I ran straight against him, grabbing him by his collar and pushed him through the door! He fell down and I went into the cafeteria. I think I must've suprised him because he didn't get up and chase after me or something. My memory is hazy after this, I don't think I stopped the bully entirely because he could still call me names. Still, better than getting jumped.
When I tell this story, people can go "Good for you, you stood up for yourself against that bully!" Me though.... I feel I I should've done more! I can catch myself fantasizing about when he was lying there on the floor after I had pushed him, how I should've kicked his teeth in, gouged an eye out, stomped on his ribcage... I know, it wouldn't have been a good idea at the time, I would've gotten into all sorts of trouble. And it's just a power fantasy, ain't it? Only those things that happens in "macho-bullshit-fantasyland". I don't think I would be that violent, I didn't have the stomach for it then and certainly not now. Still, I hate this guy. So very much.
And yet, I don't want to hate this guy so much. I mean I am in my mid-30s now, I have dealt with issues bigger than him. The last time I saw the guy was at the pub, and since then I haven't seen him. He glanced at me and was like "Hey... I recognize you, you're (some guys) little brother, ain't ya?" To which I just glared at him and replied "Nope, I am the kid you bullied in high school." To which he just scoffed, that didn't happen.... But he did give me several glares throughout the night. As if he was scared of me trying something, maybe he thought I was drunk enough to try and hit him with a bottle or something?
Hell, he might've become an actual decent person for all I know! If I had been friendly to him at the pub, maybe I would've noticed a new, more mature side to him! Still... I catch myself wishing I had been more violent against him, as if justice still hasn't been done! He made my high school years a hell, and he still hasn't paid for it! He bullied me and... That's it?! He got away?! That's not fair!