How are msn dirty emoticons made

i was diagnosed with gHSV2 a few years ago. i contracted it from my ex-partner who had a budding cold sore on his lip that i was unaware of. when i started getting a fever and feeling the tingly/itchy pain, i was devastated. it was the most painful thing that had ever happened to me. i was convinced i was dirty and unlovable, and that i’d have constant outbreaks for the rest of my life. i thought no one would ever want to have sex with me again. i came to this reddit thread and doomscrolled.
it can be hard when you’re first diagnosed, or when you’re feeling emotional. it’s painful, it’s a learning curve, the butt of jokes in lots of media, and people who have experienced it are ashamed so they don’t talk about it.
but here’s the deal. 75% of adults have HSV of some kind. when not having an outbreak, chance of transmission is extremely low. when you have an outbreak, there are signs that mean you should proceed with caution and protect yourself and your sexual partner(s). or if oral, people you kiss, share drinks with, etc.
if personal anecdotes are comforting, know that every single disclosure i’ve had has gone so well. i’ve shared facts and information based on research i’ve done, explained my personal history, and remained calm and positive. no one has turned down sex with me or made me feel gross. and if they did, i would accept it, encourage them to do more research on herpes in America/the world, and move on.
since i contracted HSV2 in 2021, i’ve had the initial outbreak and three more. i used to take medication but it made me really dizzy so i stopped (and an outbreak once a year is better than headrushes every single time i stand up, imo) they’ve all happened in the spring, almost a year apart. i believe the first one was triggered by stress, as i was moving and had a lot going on in life, and the other two seem to be the time of year when i start spending way more time outside in sunlight in the spring, after the inside months of winter. im not a scientist, but that’s my speculation.
yes, it’s a bummer when i outbreak. i won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me emotional when i first find them. i don’t like being in pain! but they are WAY better now than the first outbreak, way less sores and always go away within a week.
my main takeaway is that we should talk about this more so people know how to approach both genital and oral cold sores—aka be aware and careful when you’re having an outbreak!
if you have a recent diagnosis, things will be okay. do your own research, stay calm, and treat yourself with kindness.

Am I wrong for soft ghosting one of my “friends”?
Wow, this one might me a long one.
So I moved to (undisclosed location) sometime in the beginning of last year. When I moved here I really had no friends but became heavily involved in this yoga studio I went to and slowly but surely started to make friends/acquaintances with the teacher that instructed me.
From afar she seemed super cool and I became pretty enthralled with her and her life. I would look forward so heavily to going to her classes every week and was quite intrigued by her. I thought she was funny, bubbly, spunky, cool, and always made jokes during class that made me laugh. As months went by I found myself wanting to get closer and closer to her, and she even invited me out one time to one of her “events” she was hosting. Here’s the thing;
It seemed like we had a lot in common and was just generally craving camaraderie and connection. I felt a sense of belonging with her and wanted to expand that energy in my life, and wanted to do anything I could to get closer to her for those reasons. But I guess this is where we have the first red flag;
One day after class, she extended an invitation to me to a meet up of sorts, (I’m being sparing with details just out of fear she might read this) and when she invited me it seemed like it was gonna be this big thing with lots of people invited, and just in general in talking to her it seemed as if she was very well connected and respected within her community, had lots of friends and connects, and I thought this was gonna be a huge thing that I was even lucky to be invited to. I was super stoked and exited about it.
However when the day of the event came, I was super tired and slow to getting up that morning. I figured I would just make my way over whenever I could since it seemed causal and like you could drop in whenever. I also figured there would be more than enough people that no one would really even notice my arrival or departure. (Plus, sometimes it’s chic to be fashionably late ;) ). Well…. I was most definitely wrong.
When I showed up I heard someone excitedly shout my name, which was her, and she waved me down to the “meet up”…. There was literally only one person there and it had been going on for 2+ hours. I was definitely a bit unnerved, but also didn’t want to be rude, and like I said I was just kind of happy to be there and be getting invited to things. But it was kinda like, damn…. Are these all the friends you have?
I had dressed up and looked cute but they were just kind of wearing whatever and I felt awkward and overdressed and also embarrassed now that I was even this late because it was clearly much more intimate than I expected and my arrival/absence was DEFINITELY felt. We had chatted a bit and that was cool but then I remember her confessing me that she had cried to her husband earlier that morning that she was scared nobody was going to show up and how thrilled she was that not only one, but TWO people had showed up and that it felt like she had friends. I wasn’t really sure what to say or make of that.
She also…. The whole time (and mind you, this is our first legitimate interaction out of yoga class) just kind of kept talking maniacally AT me, not to me, and was coming off almost even manic, and she had formed a white crust of spit around her mouth probably from talking so much that I couldn’t look away from. To say the least, I was a bit disturbed coming away from this interaction but I just kept telling myself that I was being too judgmental of her and to give it a chance and that maybe she was just hyper that day and that I had probably had unintentional embarrassing hygiene moments as well. So I keep going to class and that’s that.
There were several other red flag moments between this first interaction and the next one, mostly just her incredibly cringey social media presence that I genuinely almost couldn’t stand to see without feeling like I was withering away inside, but maybe I’ll save that for later. It’s almost like I couldn’t just see that the person I thought was so cool in class and the person I was seeing her be online and outside of class were the same people. But I digress.
She had actually ended up inviting me to go with her on one of her international yoga retreats, and I was actually very excited about this. I had very little time with her in between classes, and my attraction (but also repulsion) with her was growing stronger and I wanted to figure her out and see what she was really about and what the pull I was feeling towards her was about. Plus, I love travelling and just thought it would be fun.
I had a pretty good time, but we didn’t get to talk much, HOWEVER, I do remember this distinct point during the trip where it was myself, 2-3 other fiends I had made, her brother, and her “best friend” who had happened to be her brother’s Gf in a room together, talking. the brother, the best friend, and the other friend I made just all completely started talking shit about her and I was so confused.
I felt super hurt by this actually, bc I felt like I had a inexplicable bond with the teacher who had invited me, she was the reason we were all there in that beautiful place, and I just couldn’t understand why they were choosing to be so negative about someone I thought they had claimed (at least by title) to love. They would say things like “I can’t fucking stand your sister” (one of the friends I made to the brother) and everyone would just sigh and put their hands in their head and be like “I know…. I know. It’s a lot. She’s a lot”. And I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation because I was just so confused and I knew the girl would just be so upset if she heard them saying this. Anyway… that confusion stuck with me for a while after.
Fast forward maybe a month or two, I started hanging out with her more regularly myself outside of class. I would say this is when we became more “friends”. She would invite me to other teachers classes and we would talk a lot about our lives.
I learned how she felt about her close friend and family connections, and how she often felt hurt and betrayed by people close to her and how some of her friends were actually really shady. I just got a general sense of her feeling scapegoated and libeled against by ppl that got close to her and how she had walls up for that reason.
She also shared to me that most of her family was cut off, with the exception of her brother who she had recently rekindled a connection with, hence why he was on that trip. I felt very bad for her and wanted to be a source of comfort and support, and she would often comment on how she felt a sense of camaraderie with me since I also (LITERALLY) had no family and how we have to make our chosen family. This was a sweet sentiment, for sure, but I was still sussing out how I felt about her.
So one day, a mutual friend that had been on the trip with us was having a birthday party and I guess that she was invited to it, too. She sat down next to me and I was SUPER excited to see her as I was craving her energy and hadn’t seen her in some time. But then… idk. She had had a lot to drink. I’m fully aware that she’s kind of a quirky individual, and has a way of socializing which I can sometimes find a bit uncomfortable or even intense, (like the first meetup I spoke of) but this time it was even more and seemed to be heightened by the drinking.
Her husband was sitting on her other side and kept trying to interject and insinuate that maybe she was doing a bit much, but I think she was drunk enough to the point that she just found it funny and had no awareness of how she was coming off. There’s not even a way I can describe it really, but she just seemed a bit obsessive over me and kept making jokes that were literally not funny and seemed to have lost all ability to read the room. I also had noticed that she had only had TWO beers and was acting like this already which I found… really strange.
So at some point she goes to the bathroom, and I also get in line for the bathroom about 5 mins later. When I get up to the bathroom, she’s still in there, and there’s a line of about 2 or 3 people ahead of me. When she exits the bathroom she immediately spots me and rushes up to me and just starts… drunkenly spewing.
I can’t even remember what she was saying, but we were in a pretty high class establishment and I remember her gushing over me and was saying “I just want to let you know that I don’t really have friends or let people close to me in my circle but I just want to let you know that YOU are officially in my circle and you have earned friend status to me and I’ve let you in my circle…” or something like that. And I just kept thinking, who tf even says that??? I’m pretty sure the last time I checked that friendship is a two way street and it’s not just a title we bestow onto some “lucky” person and that’s that. Like girl… let ME decide if I want to be friends too first.
It was partially that, and also the way she was drunkenly spewing was so awkward and embarrassing bc I could tell all the other women in line were like who tf is this bitch and why is she saying all this weird stuff and like, does she even know you?? Lol. Just a very odd interaction which again, I kind of wrote off, but the unsettling feeling kind of just kept growing after that point.
Then, the time that I REALLY knew something was up came up about a month later, but there are still some key details of this story that are missing. Perhaps I will discuss them later.
SO. About a month later, she invited me last minute to this concert of sorts. When I got there, I was super excited to be there, the vibes were amazing and we were having so much fun. But she had definitely had a lot, A LOT to drink. I didn’t mind at first, because everyone there seemed severely under the influence, but she would just start randomly kind of lashing out at people in the crowd and she thought it was funny? She first loudly and audibly started making fun of some guys shoes in front of us, and was trying to laugh with me as if I would join in, but when his girl friend turned around and shot her a dirty look, she had the nerve to be self conscious and mad about it. She would loudly poke fun at other people in the crowd too, but not in a ha-ha way, just in a straight up mean and asshole way and I could not understand why she would even do that or why she thought that was funny.
Again, I kind of just awkwardly laughed and brushed it off. But when all was said and done and the concert was closing, she enthusiastically invited me back to go to her house and soak in her hot tub. I kept saying are you sure?? But she was like please, PLEASE come, we have weed, we’ll smoke you out and other things and I wanted to continue the vibes because it sounded fun. And then….. completely downhill.
I had arrived back at their place before she did, but as soon as I saw them go in I knocked. When I walked in, she was pale faced up on the floor, non verbal, pretty much motionless, and staring at the ceiling. I was like oh no… it seemed like she got a bit too much to drink. I waited patiently there for a few mins, unsure of what to do as I had just drove for 45 mins and I was still 25 mins in the opposite direction away from home.
I kind of just sat around, and hoped that she would sober up. I asked if she was drunk… she said no. She ran to her bathroom multiple times while her husband (a complete socially awkward case himself) tried to take care of her while she threw up. I asked her if she puked and she also said no. So I didn’t really know what to do. I was trying to offer support/ empathy but she just kept denying any claims of anything being amiss. Her husband left to pick up a pizza and I probably just should’ve left but I’m telling you I had no idea how to exit their house without making it weird or awkward. And I also was hungry. So I just stayed… and waited for the pizza.
What happened in those 20-30 mins, I don’t even know if I can fully explain. She just became… so FUCKING WEIRD. she clearly was embarrassed that I was seeing her drunk, and I think was trying to over compensate. But she just turned into an absolute freak show and I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.
She started hoola hooping in my face, and making these weird gremlin faces and noises at me, fell to the floor, rolled round on the floor while continuing to make the noises, convulsed on the floor, but tried to do it in a funny way, tried to make an interpretive dance for me… I’ve truly never experienced something so uncomfortable in my life. I probably do sound like an asshole, but I swear you would just have to be there to see how a) gross and b) weird and actually scary it was. I was genuinely frightened.
I’ve never seen anyone act like that and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable or weird by showing her how clearly uncomfortable I actually was. so I just sat there and tried to laugh. But it probably came off as more of a grimace. And for the record, this woman is 33. I am 26. It was just. Obscene.
And she’s tried to act like and say multiple times that she’s like my “big sister”. Now I’ve seen a lot of drunk behavior, but not this. I wolfed down my pizza, and so did she, and she started to get even more philosophical and weird on me, showing me songs and art which were quite frankly some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, and I left as soon as I could.
I was so shaken and disturbed coming away from this, because like I said earlier, I thought she was a cool girl, but honestly her behavior and lack of control over herself completely terrified me. And it’s not like she was drinking liquor, it was just damn IPAs. And I just did not know what to do.
Some details I will try to add to this story, even though I know it’s monolithic at this point , is that 2 months prior to this she had gotten fired from the studio she worked at.
She had a mental breakdown during class because the manager was being mean to her, and he fired her on the spot. I remember being so angry with the owner, (honestly he IS a piece of shit human being) but I thought he was being sexist by calling her mentally unstable and I thought the way he handled things was unfair.
I went so far as to boycott the studio and completely remove myself from it in support of her and followed her to her new one. After the drunk #2 incident, I didn’t hang out with her very much, and only saw her during her class as I was locked into a certain number of classes I had paid for.
I remember her telling me that she had just started at ANOTHER studio, and got fired 3 days after on her birthday and she was talking about how unfair it was and how much of an asshole that new girl was for firing her… and I believed her. AGAIN.
I went so far as to block that girl on Instagram too, but deep down I kind of knew that she had probably just been fired bc let’s face it… as I was starting to discover, she WAS a lot. and the studio was in an upper class area , catered towards more upper echelon people, and I just don’t think she was fitting that image. I lent her an empathetic ear, because that’s all I would want in that situation.
But where she fucked up was sending me screenshot proof of the text exchange between her and that girl, thinking I would take her side, and later sending me screenshots of another conversation she had with the OTHER manager. She told me that this new girl fired her for bringing her husband to class. In my mind I was like, oh no, is she racist!?! Because her husband was black. But no, that’s not what I read at all.
It was the most reasonable, level headed response to someone ever, and laid out multiple offenses and reasons she didn’t want her at the studio. The reasons were honestly so embarrassing that I don’t know why she would send it to me and think I would side with her. She recently also sent me messages with the other boss and the last thing he says to her is “I hope you get help for your mental illness because whatever you have is serious and will impact all your relationships and business and things that you do”. And honestly I can now say in retrospect that those were the truest words ever spoken.
When I read these texts, I had a look back at my whole relationship with and how she would always paint everyone else to be the villain and how everyone is so mean to HER… and the whole time the common denominator was her. It was always her. And it made me rethink everything.
I’ve even had extensive conversations with some of the other people on her trip that were talking shit and couldn’t stand her and they all told me the same things. How it seemed like she was the coolest person ever and had her shit together and seemed like she was going places… but deep down she was just an absolute mess and pushed everyone away from her. And I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
But like I said, she formed a really close bond with me (I think from her perspective) and said she felt like my big sister and family, and shared all these stories about her feeling isolated and shut out by people, but now here I am, doing the exact same thing to her. Icing her out of my life. And I just wanna ask you guys…
Am the asshole?

Am I wrong for soft ghosting one of my “friends”?
Wow, this one might me a long one.
So I moved to (undisclosed location) sometime in the beginning of last year. When I moved here I really had no friends but became heavily involved in this yoga studio I went to and slowly but surely started to make friends/acquaintances with the teacher that instructed me.
From afar she seemed super cool and I became pretty enthralled with her and her life. I would look forward so heavily to going to her classes every week and was quite intrigued by her. I thought she was funny, bubbly, spunky, cool, and always made jokes during class that made me laugh. As months went by I found myself wanting to get closer and closer to her, and she even invited me out one time to one of her “events” she was hosting. Here’s the thing;
It seemed like we had a lot in common and was just generally craving camaraderie and connection. I felt a sense of belonging with her and wanted to expand that energy in my life, and wanted to do anything I could to get closer to her for those reasons. But I guess this is where we have the first red flag;
One day after class, she extended an invitation to me to a meet up of sorts, (I’m being sparing with details just out of fear she might read this) and when she invited me it seemed like it was gonna be this big thing with lots of people invited, and just in general in talking to her it seemed as if she was very well connected and respected within her community, had lots of friends and connects, and I thought this was gonna be a huge thing that I was even lucky to be invited to. I was super stoked and exited about it.
However when the day of the event came, I was super tired and slow to getting up that morning. I figured I would just make my way over whenever I could since it seemed causal and like you could drop in whenever. I also figured there would be more than enough people that no one would really even notice my arrival or departure. (Plus, sometimes it’s chic to be fashionably late ;) ). Well…. I was most definitely wrong.
When I showed up I heard someone excitedly shout my name, which was her, and she waved me down to the “meet up”…. There was literally only one person there and it had been going on for 2+ hours. I was definitely a bit unnerved, but also didn’t want to be rude, and like I said I was just kind of happy to be there and be getting invited to things. But it was kinda like, damn…. Are these all the friends you have?
I had dressed up and looked cute but they were just kind of wearing whatever and I felt awkward and overdressed and also embarrassed now that I was even this late because it was clearly much more intimate than I expected and my arrival/absence was DEFINITELY felt. We had chatted a bit and that was cool but then I remember her confessing me that she had cried to her husband earlier that morning that she was scared nobody was going to show up and how thrilled she was that not only one, but TWO people had showed up and that it felt like she had friends. I wasn’t really sure what to say or make of that.
She also…. The whole time (and mind you, this is our first legitimate interaction out of yoga class) just kind of kept talking maniacally AT me, not to me, and was coming off almost even manic, and she had formed a white crust of spit around her mouth probably from talking so much that I couldn’t look away from. To say the least, I was a bit disturbed coming away from this interaction but I just kept telling myself that I was being too judgmental of her and to give it a chance and that maybe she was just hyper that day and that I had probably had unintentional embarrassing hygiene moments as well. So I keep going to class and that’s that.
There were several other red flag moments between this first interaction and the next one, mostly just her incredibly cringey social media presence that I genuinely almost couldn’t stand to see without feeling like I was withering away inside, but maybe I’ll save that for later. It’s almost like I couldn’t just see that the person I thought was so cool in class and the person I was seeing her be online and outside of class were the same people. But I digress.
She had actually ended up inviting me to go with her on one of her international yoga retreats, and I was actually very excited about this. I had very little time with her in between classes, and my attraction (but also repulsion) with her was growing stronger and I wanted to figure her out and see what she was really about and what the pull I was feeling towards her was about. Plus, I love travelling and just thought it would be fun.
I had a pretty good time, but we didn’t get to talk much, HOWEVER, I do remember this distinct point during the trip where it was myself, 2-3 other fiends I had made, her brother, and her “best friend” who had happened to be her brother’s Gf in a room together, talking. the brother, the best friend, and the other friend I made just all completely started talking shit about her and I was so confused.
I felt super hurt by this actually, bc I felt like I had a inexplicable bond with the teacher who had invited me, she was the reason we were all there in that beautiful place, and I just couldn’t understand why they were choosing to be so negative about someone I thought they had claimed (at least by title) to love. They would say things like “I can’t fucking stand your sister” (one of the friends I made to the brother) and everyone would just sigh and put their hands in their head and be like “I know…. I know. It’s a lot. She’s a lot”. And I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation because I was just so confused and I knew the girl would just be so upset if she heard them saying this. Anyway… that confusion stuck with me for a while after.
Fast forward maybe a month or two, I started hanging out with her more regularly myself outside of class. I would say this is when we became more “friends”. She would invite me to other teachers classes and we would talk a lot about our lives.
I learned how she felt about her close friend and family connections, and how she often felt hurt and betrayed by people close to her and how some of her friends were actually really shady. I just got a general sense of her feeling scapegoated and libeled against by ppl that got close to her and how she had walls up for that reason.
She also shared to me that most of her family was cut off, with the exception of her brother who she had recently rekindled a connection with, hence why he was on that trip. I felt very bad for her and wanted to be a source of comfort and support, and she would often comment on how she felt a sense of camaraderie with me since I also (LITERALLY) had no family and how we have to make our chosen family. This was a sweet sentiment, for sure, but I was still sussing out how I felt about her.
So one day, a mutual friend that had been on the trip with us was having a birthday party and I guess that she was invited to it, too. She sat down next to me and I was SUPER excited to see her as I was craving her energy and hadn’t seen her in some time. But then… idk. She had had a lot to drink. I’m fully aware that she’s kind of a quirky individual, and has a way of socializing which I can sometimes find a bit uncomfortable or even intense, (like the first meetup I spoke of) but this time it was even more and seemed to be heightened by the drinking.
Her husband was sitting on her other side and kept trying to interject and insinuate that maybe she was doing a bit much, but I think she was drunk enough to the point that she just found it funny and had no awareness of how she was coming off. There’s not even a way I can describe it really, but she just seemed a bit obsessive over me and kept making jokes that were literally not funny and seemed to have lost all ability to read the room. I also had noticed that she had only had TWO beers and was acting like this already which I found… really strange.
So at some point she goes to the bathroom, and I also get in line for the bathroom about 5 mins later. When I get up to the bathroom, she’s still in there, and there’s a line of about 2 or 3 people ahead of me. When she exits the bathroom she immediately spots me and rushes up to me and just starts… drunkenly spewing.
I can’t even remember what she was saying, but we were in a pretty high class establishment and I remember her gushing over me and was saying “I just want to let you know that I don’t really have friends or let people close to me in my circle but I just want to let you know that YOU are officially in my circle and you have earned friend status to me and I’ve let you in my circle…” or something like that. And I just kept thinking, who tf even says that??? I’m pretty sure the last time I checked that friendship is a two way street and it’s not just a title we bestow onto some “lucky” person and that’s that. Like girl… let ME decide if I want to be friends too first.
It was partially that, and also the way she was drunkenly spewing was so awkward and embarrassing bc I could tell all the other women in line were like who tf is this bitch and why is she saying all this weird stuff and like, does she even know you?? Lol. Just a very odd interaction which again, I kind of wrote off, but the unsettling feeling kind of just kept growing after that point.
Then, the time that I REALLY knew something was up came up about a month later, but there are still some key details of this story that are missing. Perhaps I will discuss them later.
SO. About a month later, she invited me last minute to this concert of sorts. When I got there, I was super excited to be there, the vibes were amazing and we were having so much fun. But she had definitely had a lot, A LOT to drink. I didn’t mind at first, because everyone there seemed severely under the influence, but she would just start randomly kind of lashing out at people in the crowd and she thought it was funny? She first loudly and audibly started making fun of some guys shoes in front of us, and was trying to laugh with me as if I would join in, but when his girl friend turned around and shot her a dirty look, she had the nerve to be self conscious and mad about it. She would loudly poke fun at other people in the crowd too, but not in a ha-ha way, just in a straight up mean and asshole way and I could not understand why she would even do that or why she thought that was funny.
Again, I kind of just awkwardly laughed and brushed it off. But when all was said and done and the concert was closing, she enthusiastically invited me back to go to her house and soak in her hot tub. I kept saying are you sure?? But she was like please, PLEASE come, we have weed, we’ll smoke you out and other things and I wanted to continue the vibes because it sounded fun. And then….. completely downhill.
I had arrived back at their place before she did, but as soon as I saw them go in I knocked. When I walked in, she was pale faced up on the floor, non verbal, pretty much motionless, and staring at the ceiling. I was like oh no… it seemed like she got a bit too much to drink. I waited patiently there for a few mins, unsure of what to do as I had just drove for 45 mins and I was still 25 mins in the opposite direction away from home.
I kind of just sat around, and hoped that she would sober up. I asked if she was drunk… she said no. She ran to her bathroom multiple times while her husband (a complete socially awkward case himself) tried to take care of her while she threw up. I asked her if she puked and she also said no. So I didn’t really know what to do. I was trying to offer support/ empathy but she just kept denying any claims of anything being amiss. Her husband left to pick up a pizza and I probably just should’ve left but I’m telling you I had no idea how to exit their house without making it weird or awkward. And I also was hungry. So I just stayed… and waited for the pizza.
What happened in those 20-30 mins, I don’t even know if I can fully explain. She just became… so FUCKING WEIRD. she clearly was embarrassed that I was seeing her drunk, and I think was trying to over compensate. But she just turned into an absolute freak show and I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life.
She started hoola hooping in my face, and making these weird gremlin faces and noises at me, fell to the floor, rolled round on the floor while continuing to make the noises, convulsed on the floor, but tried to do it in a funny way, tried to make an interpretive dance for me… I’ve truly never experienced something so uncomfortable in my life. I probably do sound like an asshole, but I swear you would just have to be there to see how a) gross and b) weird and actually scary it was. I was genuinely frightened.
I’ve never seen anyone act like that and I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable or weird by showing her how clearly uncomfortable I actually was. so I just sat there and tried to laugh. But it probably came off as more of a grimace. And for the record, this woman is 33. I am 26. It was just. Obscene.
And she’s tried to act like and say multiple times that she’s like my “big sister”. Now I’ve seen a lot of drunk behavior, but not this. I wolfed down my pizza, and so did she, and she started to get even more philosophical and weird on me, showing me songs and art which were quite frankly some of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life, and I left as soon as I could.
I was so shaken and disturbed coming away from this, because like I said earlier, I thought she was a cool girl, but honestly her behavior and lack of control over herself completely terrified me. And it’s not like she was drinking liquor, it was just damn IPAs. And I just did not know what to do.
Some details I will try to add to this story, even though I know it’s monolithic at this point , is that 2 months prior to this she had gotten fired from the studio she worked at.
She had a mental breakdown during class because the manager was being mean to her, and he fired her on the spot. I remember being so angry with the owner, (honestly he IS a piece of shit human being) but I thought he was being sexist by calling her mentally unstable and I thought the way he handled things was unfair.
I went so far as to boycott the studio and completely remove myself from it in support of her and followed her to her new one. After the drunk #2 incident, I didn’t hang out with her very much, and only saw her during her class as I was locked into a certain number of classes I had paid for.
I remember her telling me that she had just started at ANOTHER studio, and got fired 3 days after on her birthday and she was talking about how unfair it was and how much of an asshole that new girl was for firing her… and I believed her. AGAIN.
I went so far as to block that girl on Instagram too, but deep down I kind of knew that she had probably just been fired bc let’s face it… as I was starting to discover, she WAS a lot. and the studio was in an upper class area , catered towards more upper echelon people, and I just don’t think she was fitting that image. I lent her an empathetic ear, because that’s all I would want in that situation.
But where she fucked up was sending me screenshot proof of the text exchange between her and that girl, thinking I would take her side, and later sending me screenshots of another conversation she had with the OTHER manager. She told me that this new girl fired her for bringing her husband to class. In my mind I was like, oh no, is she racist!?! Because her husband was black. But no, that’s not what I read at all.
It was the most reasonable, level headed response to someone ever, and laid out multiple offenses and reasons she didn’t want her at the studio. The reasons were honestly so embarrassing that I don’t know why she would send it to me and think I would side with her. She recently also sent me messages with the other boss and the last thing he says to her is “I hope you get help for your mental illness because whatever you have is serious and will impact all your relationships and business and things that you do”. And honestly I can now say in retrospect that those were the truest words ever spoken.
When I read these texts, I had a look back at my whole relationship with and how she would always paint everyone else to be the villain and how everyone is so mean to HER… and the whole time the common denominator was her. It was always her. And it made me rethink everything.
I’ve even had extensive conversations with some of the other people on her trip that were talking shit and couldn’t stand her and they all told me the same things. How it seemed like she was the coolest person ever and had her shit together and seemed like she was going places… but deep down she was just an absolute mess and pushed everyone away from her. And I no longer felt like I was going crazy.
But like I said, she formed a really close bond with me (I think from her perspective) and said she felt like my big sister and family, and shared all these stories about her feeling isolated and shut out by people, but now here I am, doing the exact same thing to her. Icing her out of my life. And I just wanna ask you guys…
Am the asshole?

Ok so as soon as I started this show I knew I wanted to come here when I was done to write about my thoughts but more importantly to get a sense of how this show was for people when it first came out. I get the sense that this show is very personal for those who watched it when it came out and so I want to start by providing some context of how I went into this show.
I am 23f, graduated from university last year and have been mostly at home since then working online. I had heard about girls when I was younger when it was coming out but never watched it or looked into it. But it was recently when I saw some fan edits and compilations of marnie antics on Youtube that I remembered the show and how it was about girls navigating life in their 20s. Great, I thought, I am a girl navigating life in her 20s maybe this is exactly what I need right now. Wrong! While I related to the general lack of direction each of the girls was experiencing, which I too have been struggling with, I spent most of the show being at best perplexed and at worst frustrated with the actions and choices of the characters, especially Hannah.
And I think that is at the core of what I want to understand about the show: are we supposed to like Hannah? If not like her, understand, sympathise or relate to her. I am someone who is all for unsympathetic or morally flawed characters because they explore the dirty parts of humanity and the difficulty of life. I was reminded a lot while watching this show, of Bojack Horseman who is objectively not a good person but while watching that show you see the the destructiveness of bojack's choices and actions, you see the effect it has on his life and those around him. I could never understand if Hannah was written in this way because as far as I could tell she experiences almost no repercussions for her actions and choices and the whole time I was wondering why. I can't list all the things I feel hannah was completely in the wrong for because I would be here for a long while but the ones that really shocked me was any example of her behaviour in workplace settings (especially when she was a teacher, how she was not fired is beyond me), her two day stand with that doctor and her brief but infuriating time at Iowa. This last point especially really frustrated me because she spends so much of this show talking about being a writer, more than actually writing and she finally gets the chance to pursue it and the thing that sends over the edge is a little criticism from her other classmates! Like is that not the whole point of joining a program like that and she was so rude to everyone and laughably unapologetic about it and then just decides to leave because it "wasn't right for her" and then the show just moves on from that and onto more drama with her and Adam.
I shall not get into the whole Adam and Hannah story because frankly I hated it. It started off with very bad foundations and I could never look past that and never see them as doomed lovers. However, surprisingly didn't hate Adam by the end of it, he was certainly a weird character but there was a certain charm to him.
Hannah's lack of consequences is especially evident when you compare her story to Marnie's. Marnie, I would say, is equally flawed as Hannah, maybe not the same flaws but definitely the same amount but you see where that gets her by the end of the show. In fact she has the biggest downgrade from when she started having a nice comfy job at an art gallery, a boyfriend a nice apartment to the end when she basically has no direction, a failed music a career and ex husband. I really did feel for her at times, but you could also see how her choices and outlook on life led her down that path. Meanwhile Hannah ends the show as a professor for writing! with a lovely house and a baby. Yes there are things that did not necessarily go her way but ultimately everything works out for her and she doesn't ever have to reflect on the many many wrong decisions she made in her life.
What also surprised me about this show, was how the friendship between the girls was handled. I say friendship very loosely because I truly do not think any of those girls liked or cared about each other and even if they did, they were all terrible friends. I ended up really appreciating the meeting they have at the end when Shosh basically cuts them out (completely justified in my opinion) and says they always make every interaction about themselves because that was the reality of the show. Marnie and Hannah especially spent so much time complaining about how the other always talks about themselves and their problems, especially with boys. This really disappointed me actually because I just assumed a show called Girls about four girl friends navigating their twenties in the big city would really explore the complexities of female friendships and ultimately highlight their importance. But all they did was fight and talk about boy drama until I wished they would just get new friend circles. I was honestly kind of excited for Hannah to be in Iowa because it could introduce some new friendship dynamics into the show and maybe reflect the toxicity what she has in new york but obviously I was wrong about that.
I think I could have maybe also enjoyed this show more despite its flaws if I found it funny. While there were times I had a chuckle here and there, but most of the time I was just cringing or just reminded about the frustrating nature of these characters, especially hannah. I am sure there were things she did that were played for laughs but because this show was grounded in reality, I just thought her actions were either cringy or wildly inappropriate.
I will end on a more positive note, on the things I liked, because I got through 6 whole seasons so there must have been things I enjoyed. Firstly, of the girls I loved Shoshana. She started of the show very sweet and lovely and welcoming and while she had that stint where she was just going through it and being rude after she cheated on ray (and never owned up to it). But once again, you see where those choices lead her and how she needed to step back and reflect and how she got to a point where she had to graduate late. When she moved to Japan I was so happy for her! That was another thing I really loved about this show, their depiction of Tokyo and Shosh's time there. I got to spend three months living in Tokyo two years ago and loved it! While I definitely had more knowledge and interest in Japan than Shosh before I went I still feel like it was the perfect place to experience when you're in your 20s. I felt Shosh's scenes there were very genuine and authentic and weren't too bogged down with the same tired cliches of tokyo. Even though she ends up moving back, I felt her time there really helped give her a better perspective of what she wants from life when she was back in New York.
Secondly, and probably the most surprising, I loved Ray. When he was first introduced as Charlie's friend I thought that he was kind of weird and gross especially when he wanted to snoop around the girls' apartment and read hannah's diary. But by the end of the show he was honestly my favourite character (which I think says a lot). His love of books and reading and art in general, the advice he gave the other characters, his little rants, his relationship with hermie (also loved hermie) and his motivation to do more with his life all grew on me to the point that I was just so happy when he was on screen. He was also just such a breath of fresh air from the chaos and drama of the other characters which is why I wasn't too crazy when he started having a thing for Marnie. That didn't really make any sense to me but at least he ended up with Abigail which was such a lovely pairing.
I recognise that this show is very much a product of its time and the fact that I wasn't in my 20s in the 2010s means that a lot of my experiences and outlook differ greatly from that time and affected how I watched this show. Which is why I really wanted to come here and hear from people who did experience it during that time.
TL;DR: Just finished Girls and want to understand what is the point of Hannah as a character and how did people find this show when it first came out.

[Part 1]
Day 3
I woke the next morning from the sunshine in my eyes. My head was resting ever so slightly on Eli's arm as we had both fallen asleep on my bed after I begged him to stay. I blanched in horror at the drool stain I had left on the arm of his white t-shirt.
I began to slowly move myself and retreat downstairs as the memories of the night before came flooding back. How I had broken, screaming in terror, and how Eli had saved me, not knowing the true reason he found me curled up on the floor crying.
As I stepped off the bed, my leg got snagged in the frilly bed cover, and I went crashing to the ground, making quite the noise as I landed. With a yawn, Eli's eyes opened, and I felt myself blushing as he turned to look at me.
We both kind of stared at each other for a moment, not speaking. Eli opened his mouth, then closed it again as if unsure of what to say.
"Coffee?" I asked quickly, filling the awkwardness of our situation.
"Please," Eli said, smiling.
In minutes, I had a pot brewing as I leaned against the kitchen counter. Eli was picking up the scattered photographs from the floor and looking at them quizzically.
"Why do you have pictures of the Harmons?" Eli asked, showing me the photos of the yellow-haired man and his family.
"Is that their names? I found them out in the barn under a blanket," I answered as I rooted around the cupboards for two mugs.
"In the barn? I cleaned it out just last week. No way I would have missed this trunk," Eli said while examining the wooden trunk with its simple rustic hinges. It was plain and unadorned with any embellishments. Basic as basic could be.
"Well, you must have missed it because it was there," I said, putting emphasis on the "was" in a way that reminded me of my mother chastising my father.
"That's so weird," he said, shifting through the photos while sitting at the table. I brought him a cup of coffee and sugar, and he began absentmindedly adding a lot of sugar to his coffee. About six scoops later, he began stirring and sipping it.
"Well, anyways, thanks for coming last night. I wasn't myself, I hope you know that I'm not some damsel in distress," I said quickly, like word vomit, and I even chuckled at the end, feeling like a total weirdo.
"What happened anyway? You didn't say last night," he said, putting the photos down in a jumble on the table.
I paused for a moment, considering how to answer. As I sipped my coffee, I stared out into the yard beside the barn where the scarecrow stood, glancing around the edge of the barn, hanging limply in his hole. His appearance once again sad and dejected instead of murderous and terrifying.
"I was just scared, I had a nightmare, and it just scared me," I said dumbly, trying not to turn crimson again under his intense gaze.
His eyes seemed to cut right through my lie, as if he were staring directly into my being before he simply glanced away out the window. We fell silent again, and I filled some moments by sipping my drink. It seemed to revitalize me; the sun and the company made me feel secure.
"Why were you here anyways?" I asked after a moment.
"I heard screaming, so I came running. I live just on the other side of the grass there, behind the barn," Eli said, pointing to the barn out the window.
"Must be really close, I didn't see any houses on the way in," I said, prying deeper into the situation.
"It's actually a trailer, maybe like two hundred yards from here. I was outside getting some air when I heard you scream. So, I came running," Eli said, finishing his cup of coffee and placing it in between us like a barrier, as if he was hiding something.
"Could you, uh, not do that?" Eli asked, with an uncertain grin on his face.
"What am I doing exactly?" I asked, startled for a moment, my stomach doing a sort of flip.
"It's just that you like stare at people. You've been staring at me for like my whole cup of coffee, I don't think you blinked the whole time," Eli said, averting his eyes shyly.
"No, I don't," I said until I realized he was right. I never noticed that about myself.
"Right, well, I've got to go. I am probably going to start painting today, so you might see me in a bit," Eli said, rising and heading to the door.
"Wait," I said, grabbing his arm for only a moment before releasing it like it was scalding hot.
Eli glanced at my hand for a moment, then at his arm, before he, too, blushed crimson.
"I just wanted to say thank you again. For last night, I mean. Well, what I mean is I appreciate it," I said, my eyes downcast in, for some reason, shame. Like he had seen me at my weakest and it weighed on my gaze appropriately.
"It was nothing, besides I didn't get much sleep with your constant snoring," Eli said, laughing at me.
"I so don't snore," I said, swatting at him but unable to control a smile creeping up onto my face.
After Eli left, I felt instantly colder, my eyes kept returning to the scarecrow. I grabbed my camera from upstairs and went out to the yard. I scanned the dirt for anything out of the ordinary. There was no blood, or anything on the dirt where the scarecrow stood just last night. I slowly made my way to the scarecrow, but nothing happened. I snapped a photo of the inanimate object, and it didn't even flinch. I poked it, but all I felt was straw underneath its clothes. I removed its mask, expecting a severed head, but it was just straw. Nothing was here but straw. I dropped the mask on the ground and took another photo proving it was just straw and nothing else.
An idea struck me as I regarded the source of my torment. If I planned to stay even one more night here, I needed to do something about this scarecrow. I rooted around in the barn, a series of tools hung from nails in the wall. On one hung what I was searching for. An old rusted shovel with a dirty wooden handle that was worn smooth from use.
I returned to the side of the barn beside the scarecrow, knowing for whatever reason this thing only came when night fell and didn't react at all when I moved or touched it during the day.
Before my morning coffee had even settled, I began to dig at the dusty earth, loose and easy to dig, it came away in shovelfuls. Within an hour, I had a fair-sized hole in front of me. Sweat dripped from my brow, and when I wiped under my eyes, they came away black from last night's makeup. Glancing at the field of grass and knowing Eli could appear at any time, I decided to head inside and shower. The hot water was a godsend, and I lingered for longer, letting the water drain down my head and back, my eyes closed, trying to forget the images from the last two nights. I should just pack up my car and leave right this minute. But how could I explain this to my family? I decided to go through with my plan and bury the scarecrow. I could last one more night if I prepared for it.
I left the shower and dressed modestly, in another one of my old rock t-shirts and a pair of shorts. I returned to the yard and with a satisfying push, I dropped the scarecrow into the pit. It fell with a nice thud, and I smiled at my power over it in the day; it's just at night when I should fear it.
As I threw the first shovel of dirt back on top, I heard a noise in the grass, and it parted, revealing Eli wearing the same pair of jeans and work boots, but he had changed his shirt to a plain black one. In each hand, he held cans of paint and a brush.
"Should I even ask why you are burying that old scarecrow?" He asked as he came to stand beside me.
"Probably best if you didn't," I admitted, leaning on the shovel.
"Well, I'm going to anyway. Polly, why are you burying that old scarecrow?" He asked, a rare smile coming to his face.
"Because it's been haunting me at night," I said bluntly.
"Mhm, yeah, okay. Fine, don't tell me. I've been meaning to get rid of it anyway, but normal people take things to the landfill," Eli said with a smirk as he turned to the house and began setting up for his painting.
I finished burying the scarecrow and stomped the dirt down flat. I finished my job by moving my car and parking it directly over top of the spot where I buried it.
Eli watched me curiously but didn't remark. I returned the shovel to the barn and went out into the yard. I decided to go for a hike around the property. I needed some time alone to think and unwind.
As I made my way through the grass, it began to confuse me. This had obviously been a large farmland, but how had the wild plants grown in such a thick, endless maze of greenery?
It gave me an eerie feeling, like I was being watched as the grass covered three-quarters of my body, like there would be something lurking out in the grass, crouched low, waiting for me.
After a half-hour or so, I came upon a clear lake, only big enough to be considered an old swimming hole, I thought as I dipped my hand into the cool water.
I took off my outer clothes and decided to go for a swim. I lowered myself in slowly and reveled at the cool water. The pond wasn't deep, but the water was clean. A small rope swing had been hung from a large oak tree that bordered the pond. It also provided a nice layer of shade that made it the ideal spot to spend the day. I floated on my back in the water for what seemed like hours. The day seemed to slip away from me. A small beach of sand sat at one side of the pond, so I lay out in the sun and closed my eyes. The warm day warmed my soul, and soon I felt myself drifting off into sleep.
I awoke to the sound of crickets and darkness. I couldn't believe it. I had slept through the day; the long nights had finally caught up to me, and now I was stuck far away from the farmhouse. I didn't know if my plan with the scarecrow had worked, and this wasn't the place to test my theory.
A full moon lay overhead, casting a silvery glow on the world before me. A sea of grass swayed gently in the wind, sending shivers down it in shuddering waves. I looked around, but I was thankfully alone, just the crickets chirping along melodically as my only companions.
I had to make it back to the house, so I started on my way, my hands trailing along the tall grass. The pale light played easily on the deep green grass. Step by step, I made my way back towards the farmhouse and the barn, throwing caution to the wind, and I started to jog along, anything to get back faster. I would have to find Eli; maybe if we were together, he could stop it like before.
If I thought the field was creepy during the day, by night, it was a whole new world. Every sound made my heart stop for a beat before restarting in protest. When all of a sudden, the crickets stopped chirping. I dropped to my knees, letting the long grass cover me from sight. Through the strands, I could make out a shape moving slowly through the tall grass, the swish of the plants as it made its passage through them. My heart dropped. Was this Eli looking for me, or was it the scarecrow come for me?
That's when I heard a voice, a voice cutting through the silence. It started off quiet and raspy as it sang an eerie children's song.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek
The world it claims that I be not clean
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
I was frozen to the spot. It hadn't found me, but it knew I was in the grass somewhere. Now, with each word, chewed up and spat out like it was unhappy with it, now it was accompanied by the whistle of something in the air and a slicing sound as it cut through the grass around me.
It finished another round of its song, but now it stood within feet of me, its blade whistling as it cut. I took a moment to ready myself, and as it raised its blade to cut through the grass I hid in, I dashed out of my hiding spot and slammed into it. But nothing resisted me; I fell through it like it was a ghost.
In a tangle of limbs, I landed hard on the ground and tried quickly rolling to my feet. The blade of its weapon pierced the earth beside me. Now I could see it was a two-handed scythe the scarecrow carried, but something was off, its hands were human. Pale milky skin like a newborn baby. I had little time to examine the creature except for the canvas bag over its head. Two large black eyes came out of the slits that leaked a dark red blood like tears.
It screeched loudly and swung its scythe, but it was slow, and I took off through the grass in the direction of what I hoped was the farmhouse.
I completely gave up all pretense of hiding and sprinted as fast as I could without looking back. The grass seemed to part for me as I ran in terror. I was just glad that in high school, I had taken track as it was paying off now.
I could hear the noise of footsteps behind me, but I never turned. I ran and ran until my lungs felt like they were going to burst Something silver flashed to my left, and I tripped over something hard and unexpected. The wind was driven from my lungs as my chin slammed hard into the earth. I scrambled back, trying to escape, but the scarecrow was on me, its blade flashing angrily in the pale moonlight.
I wanted to move, I wanted to fight, but my body was weak and unable to catch its breath, and I lay there helpless as it swung its scythe towards me. I closed my eyes in fear, but I only heard the thud of dirt before I opened my eyes. The scythe was discarded, and the scarecrow stood staring at me.
It seemed to be struggling with something, one hand reached out towards me only to be snapped back to its side. A roar of rage pierced the canvas sack over its head as it struggled against its invisible bonds. For a moment, I thought I saw something behind it, three sets of hands holding it back. One feminine in nature, and the other two must have belonged to children. In a flash, I saw a beautiful woman who looked vaguely familiar with her long brown hair and plain dress.
"Run," she moaned as the scarecrow swung around wildly.
I didn't hesitate and fled, my breath had returned, and while my body still ached from my fall, I powered on, knowing this was the only respite I would receive tonight.
In the distance, I could see a small sheet metal shape; Eli's trailer was slowly coming closer as I ran, and I beelined it for the trailer. I could hear the footsteps behind me again as the scarecrow resumed its chase after me.
I reached the old trailer and banged on the door as loud as I could; I rattled the handle, but it was locked.
"Eli, it's me. It's Polly, please let me in. Please," I begged as I banged over and over again on the door of his trailer.
Nothing responded to me, and the trailer was dark. The single window in the back held no life inside the trailer. From the trailer, I couldn't tell which direction the farmhouse was in the dark, so I fled into the tall grass and crouched low, watching the clearing around the trailer.
While I caught my breath, I watched the scarecrow enter the clearing, its scythe back in its hand as it circled the trailer. When its raspy voice began singing again low and quiet, only loud enough for me to hear.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek
The world it claims that I be not clean
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night, I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
The song made me shiver uncontrollably at the lyrics and the voice; it sounded demented like a crazy person letting their demons out into a nursery rhyme.
I lay perfectly still; for some reason, it couldn't find me. This creature I assumed was all-knowing seemed to have some very human weaknesses. It moved and talked like a human, even had certain body parts that were from a human; it even felt human the way it chased and reacted.
The scarecrow moved on through the tall grass, and I let out a sigh of relief as it lost my trail. How terrifying that beast was. In my pocket was the keys to my car. Eli had told me that the farmhouse was fairly close to his trailer. I had to navigate to the car, then drive as fast as I can away from this place. The fact that I hadn't left already because I was worried about money was insane. Who cares, I could drive to Barb's and demand my money back. Go home and just tell my parents the truth. The whole reason for actually leaving home this summer, why I was actually here in this field shivering uncontrollably in fear. But I couldn't think about that now, not now, there will be time to deal with that later. Now I needed to focus on staying alive, getting to the car, and getting out of here.
I went in the direction the scarecrow had; he knew the land better than I did, and every noise I made in the silence of the night made my heart drop. It took all my courage there and then to take one step forward, then another. I felt like I was going to be sick; my stomach was in knots to where it felt like even if I was sick, the only thing to come out would be only bile and stomach acid.
With each careful step, I made my way closer to the farmhouse and the scarecrow. Through the darkness, I could see my goal, the farmhouse, and the barn. Within minutes, I had made it securely to the farmhouse yard.
My car still sat in the same spot overtop of the hole where I buried the scarecrow. In the moonlight, I could see that the dirt had not been disturbed.
The scarecrow was nowhere to be seen, and I cautiously made my way to my car, my keys in my hand as I approached the driver's door. I hadn't locked the car, and it opened on the first try. I turned on my car as quietly as I could, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.
Something landed heavily on top of the roof of my car, making it dent inwards slightly. With horror, I saw the scarecrow swing its scythe into the back window of my car. With a crash, the glass shattered inwards; I put my car into gear and roared away down the lane. In my rearview mirror, I couldn't see anything, so I swerved back and forth, trying to shake the creature from the roof of my car when the scythe crashed in through the front window, making a hole just large enough for it.
The glass spidered, and I couldn't see out the window very well. I swerved down the road, but the scythe remained in the car, allowing the creature purchase. In a panic, I spun my wheel wildly, trying to dislodge it, but I lost control, and soon felt something crash into the front of my car. The airbag went off in my face, and I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt. I slammed hard into something else, and my vision went dark. I was in a daze; I must have passed out because I don't remember a lot of what happened next. I felt the car door open with a crunching tear, and it landed loudly as it was torn off. My body being grabbed and tossed on the ground. I felt no pain, just a gentle numbness. I felt blood on my head as I raised my arm to touch my face.
Then just blackness, complete, and empty just feelings, fear, unease, sadness. My eyes opened, and the scarecrow was overtop of me. Pain on my chest and my vision went dark again. Coughing as something poured down my throat. I couldn't breathe, why couldn't I breathe?
My eyes opened one last time, and I saw the scarecrow pouring a dark liquid from its mouth directly into my mouth and eyes. My vision was red and bloody before I closed them one last time.
The words of its song echoed into the emptiness of my thoughts.
"Did you, did you, did you come for me?
Run and hide, don't you know that I seek?
The world it claims that I be not clean.
When I come, you'll see how filthy I can be.
Tonight, it is happening, tonight you'll see,
Beneath the moon, my shadows they do creep.
In this world, at night, I shall be free.
Tonight it's happening, tonight you'll see.
When I come, you had better flee, or else I'll come and give my filth to thee."
The darkness enveloped me, and I felt myself slipping away, the sounds of the night fading into oblivion.
Day 4
When I awoke, it was morning, and I found myself lying in a hospital bed. My head throbbed with pain, and my body ached all over. The memories of the terrifying night flooded back to me, and I shuddered involuntarily.
A nurse entered the room, her kind eyes filled with concern. "You're awake," she said softly, her voice gentle like a soothing balm. "You're lucky to be alive. You were found unconscious by the side of the road next to your car. Do you remember what happened?"
I tried to speak, but my throat felt raw and dry. I croaked out a few words, barely audible. "The scarecrow... it attacked me..."
The nurse frowned, her brows furrowing in confusion. "Scarecrow? What scarecrow?"
My heart raced with panic as I realized the truth. Had it all been a nightmare? But the pain in my body felt too real, the memories too vivid to be mere hallucinations.
I tried to explain, to tell her about the terrifying creature that had pursued me through the night, but she only looked at me with concern, as if I were delusional.
"I'll get the doctor, and there is a young man who brought you in. He has been here all morning," the nurse said with a sly wink.
After a few minutes, she came back with Eli and a doctor, both of whom smiled gently at me through the window. The doctor came in first and went over my health with me. I had a concussion and bruises all over my body. A generous-sized cut from some glass on my scalp had been stitched and bandaged. My mind flashed back to the night before. How the scarecrow had filled me with its gooey red blood.
"Did you find anything else?" I asked cautiously, trying to avoid another scandal like with the nurse.
"No, as long as you have someone to pick you up and take you home, you are free to go. That nice young man out there said he would take you back home," the doctor said, pointing to Eli as he rose with a slight grunt.
I glanced at Eli, and he waved uncertainly at me. The doctor went out and began talking to Eli for a few minutes.
While I waited, my mind began to have strange thoughts. Something was wrong; I felt weird. My vision turned red, and I began to see images before my eyes.
The Harmons. They flashed before my eyes in real-time—the husband hugging his wife, then swinging his kids around, chopping wood outback next to the barn while his wife cooked in the kitchen.
As Eli entered the room, the visions stopped suddenly. Like my saving angel for the third time now, I was extremely grateful to Eli.
"Heyyyyy," Eli said, elongating the word in a sort of familiar yet awkward way.
"Hi," I said, closing my eyes and letting my embarrassment pass in only a few seconds.
"Why is it that fifty percent of the times we meet, you're in serious trouble?" Eli asked, coming to sit on the edge of my bed.
"Oh, you know me, bad luck, I guess," I said simply, becoming aware that under my blankets, I was in a backless hospital gown, and he was inches away from me.
I pulled the blanket up to my chin as a sort of cover for my appearance, but Eli didn't seem to notice. He continued talking to me. It was actually really sweet the way he seemed to care for me.
"Anyways, the doctor said I could take you back to the farmhouse to rest," Eli said.
"No," I said suddenly, becoming serious.
"What? Why not?" Eli asked.
"I just, I just can't right now. I'll tell you later. Just, we can't spend the night anywhere near the farm," I said, grabbing him by the arm, hoping to sway him.
"Well, I mean, if you want, we can grab your stuff, and my house can literally go anywhere," Eli said in an offhand manner, as if he had expected this.
"Promise?" I asked, trying not to seem too afraid.
Within the hour, we had returned to the farmhouse. The hole I dug was still covered over, and I stared at it as we parked in Eli's black pickup truck.
I ran inside and quickly got changed into my only clean clothes, grabbing everything I had from the farmhouse. I paused at the dinner table, looking down at the photographs of the Harmons and thinking back to that weird moment in the hospital with that odd vision.
The day was getting longer, and I hurried back to Eli, waiting in the pickup truck. I threw my bag in the back and climbed in beside him. He smiled and backtracked down the lane. We turned to the left and went down a side road where we came upon my poor old car. It had crashed directly into a tree, and the whole front part of the car had been destroyed. Fluid leaked all over the road, and I almost shed a tear for my departed friend. We had traveled far together. I grabbed a few things from the car, but something was off about the car. The front door had been knocked off and was discarded on the far side of the road. It looked impossible; the door hadn't even hit the tree.
Eli hooked his truck up to his trailer, and we sped off, leaving the property behind us. We headed into town and found a pullout on the side of the road with a set of bathrooms to camp at for the night. Eli's trailer was messy but cozy. He had laundry strewn over most surfaces, but it didn't smell bad.
The room consisted of a small kitchen with a bed in one corner. There were also a lot of posters and artwork on the walls. I examined one of a pretty girl with long raven-black hair. It was a realist painting, obviously taken from real life.
"Who is this?" I asked as Eli made us some food.
"That is just a friend," Eli said, glancing at the painting he had done.
"Well, she is a pretty friend," I said, enjoying watching the back of his ears turn bright red.
"Dinner's ready," he said, pouring the mixture of food he had made onto a pair of plates.
Eli served me and handed me a can of Coke to drink. I thanked him and sat on his bed. It was the only serviceable piece of furniture in the whole trailer. We both sat in silence for a moment while we ate. I could tell something was bothering Eli as he kept making glances toward me.
"What? What is it, Eli? Just say it," I said between bites.
"Tell me what happened, Polly. Tell me why you were burying the scarecrow, why you were passed out in the road with straw in your hair. Tell me why you were muttering about the Harmons and a scarecrow when I found you," Eli said suddenly, as if he were unloading a machine gun.
I looked Eli square in the face and relented. I told him about the last couple of nights at the farmhouse, about how the scarecrow had been tormenting me every night. About how he had saved me and how last night I had fled through the fields to his trailer and then to my car. I told him about the vision I had about the Harmons in the hospital. By the end of it, I was in tears. I felt so foolish and childish.
Eli took it in stride. He asked a few questions during my retelling, but by the end of it, he was silent. Tears fell down my face and landed in my lap. We had both put our plates on the counter, and Eli hugged me. He put his arms around me, and I nuzzled into his shoulder, feeling comforted again in him at the lowest points of my life.
With a gentle hand, he wiped away my tears, and I smiled, letting a nervous laugh escape my lips. I looked up into his face and felt his stare before I saw it. His pale blue eyes shone with comfort, and then his lips were on mine as he kissed me quickly before pulling away slightly.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was insensitive of me. You're sad, and I took advantage of that," Eli said, moving back slightly.
"Shut up," I said, and grabbed his shirt, bringing him back in.

Just a throwaway post for me to vent my frustration and maybe get some opinions. So i (21f) recently moved into a share house with 6 other people. Me and my close friend (22f) had been living together for just over 2 years but moved into her boyfriend’s (22m) house as our rent had increased and we could no longer afford to stay there (yay living crisis!).
We moved in just over 3 weeks ago and I’ve been trying my best to adapt to the new dynamic of 7 people in 1 house, which is made up of two couples - my friend + her boyfriend, and a couple in their 30s, the mother of the woman in the couple, and another student like myself who mostly stays in his room.
Since moving in, I’ve done my best to assimilate and get to know my new roommates but I’m kinda still coping with the loss of my first stable home (I grew up bouncing between various family homes and never stayed in one house for longer than 1 year), and the loss hit me pretty hard. I was, or maybe still am, grieving my personal space and living independence. Don’t get me wrong, rent is now significantly lower and I’m thankful to my friends boyfriend for allowing us to move in, but the process has driven a wedge between me and my friend as it feels like she either doesn’t realise or care about how I’m affected by the whole situation. We use a group chat to communicate as a household for the most part, and it’s taken a lot to get over my social anxiety to reply to messages and talk to my roommates. I’m not a recluse by any means, but I just wanted to make it clear that it feels daunting to get to know a group of people who have already known eachother for years, and the only person going through this new experience with me has turned her back on me emotionally and she at least has her bf (who is the only person on the lease) to message on her behalf and introduced her to everyone before we even needed to move in.
My issue is the weekly cleaning schedule. I know that sounds wrong but it’s not the cleaning I have an issue with, it’s the expectations that weren’t made clear to me and the miscommunication that I was made to feel was my fault. When I moved in, the house was by no means filthy, but it wasn’t as pristine as my friend’s bf (who I’ll call H) had made it seem. I don’t consider myself to be a clean freak, but I’m pretty anal about shared surfaces and bacteria so in the beginning, you can imagine my shock when I saw the state of the bathroom. Mind you, this bathroom is decently sized but has a small shower that is absolutely stocked with everyone’s toiletries (soap, shampoo, conditioner, and extras x4) and covered with a thick layer of soapscum and pink mould, and there was literally a healthy crop of moss in the crevice where the shower door snicked shut. H had stressed in the group chat when we moved in that he and my friend would clean on saturdays, the other couple had chosen wednesdays, which left mondays, tuesdays, thursdays and fridays for me and the other two people to clean on. This would tell you the house would be spick and span right? Wrong. Long story short, I spent hours last week on Monday scrubbing the shower, the dirty corners of the bathroom floor where filthy mop water had been left to dry, borderline brown light switches back to white, and mysterious yellow drip stains on the door frames and handles to the point of becoming lightheaded from fumes. Maybe i went a little overboard but I was eager to please my roommates and couldn’t bring myself to use the bathroom until I had done so. Fast forward to this week - H had sent messages asking someone to mop the floor of the house (whole thing is white tile) sometime this week. It’s tuesday, and I had done an upkeep clean of the bathroom and disinfected the shared kitchen surfaces yesterday, which was my allocated day. H name drops me and one other roommate in the group chat to do the mop before friday, or my friend (his gf) would do it on friday as she has the day off. Here’s where I think I may have overreacted and could use the opinion of a third-party: I messaged H privately saying I thought it should be someone else’s responsibility to mop the floor and that I thought I had done a lot last week. I wasn’t looking for a thank-you, just an acknowledgment that I had at least done something, and he sent me a long message saying that it was my choice to “go beyond” and that it was basically an expectation that the floors are swept and mopped weekly, and that everyone does their part. Tbh i disagree, as both couples share one cleaning day each and somehow the house was still kinda gross, and there was literally 6 of them but I digress. I was hurt because of the fact that his message in the group chat felt like he was calling me out and making it look like I hadn’t been doing my part, plus I had thought that we were friends and that he could go about the request by at least messaging me privately if he thought I wasn’t doing enough. We had a mini-disagreement over text and we ended it tentatively with him saying he isn’t being disrespectful and just trying to keep order with cleaning, and me saying that i get it, but just bear with me as i’m still adjusting. He left me on read and now I feel awkward.
Thoughts?

Whats up my dudes, we are back at it with another chapter for you all. We are getting the swing of things and have another chapter or two to start the main plot fully, we are just getting to know our leads for now. I hope you enjoy
Lets get this bread
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The movement from the nightclub to Stitch’s clinic was grueling. Typically lugging a passed-out HVI or some other sod halfway across the city's district would not be a challenge. With his cybernetics, Conor was in decent enough shape and could sprint ten kilometers in full battle rattle without breaking a sweat, but Conor had pushed himself and didn’t need to wax a few Voodal in his way.
Conor had heard that Kurlatra were dense, but his assumptions about how heavy they were came nowhere close to the reality of picking one up.
Whatever this woman's name was, she likely weighed north of eighty kilograms. It was a shock because she was a meter and a half tall at most. For Urka’s sake, Conor only weighed one hundred and fifty kilograms despite being two meters tall and filled to the brim with wires.
He thought a bit about the woman's build and realized why she must weigh so much. She had hips and legs that could crush a man's skull. Along with a pair of tits just big enough that they would overflow from your hands.
Conner was made all the more well aware of those traits as he adjusted her to ensure he would not drop the little lass. Her fatty chest and plump thighs would try to swallow his hip each time he did. No sentient this small had any right being heavier than his entire breacher kit, explosives, anti-rifle armor, and all.
If not for Brakul expecting this rosey scag to be delivered to Stitch’s place, Conor would have lugged her to his safe house, which was far closer. But no, he had another job and order to follow.
The only shining light on this impromptu extraction was that the Voodal did not follow him. He had been worried about that last ganger he had shot; they had only eaten one round through the midchest. At the time, it looked like it might not have been a heart shot, and since he was picking this bimbo up at the time, he did not have a chance to ensure they were put down permanently.
Conor took a deep breath as he rounded the corner into a dirty alleyway, leaving the bustling thoroughfare behind. Thankfully, the residents of Heavalun knew better than to mess with him or anyone else who regularly did mercenary work, especially when they were carrying a body—alive or not.
Those who stopped his type tended not to live long, so he was ignored other than a few passing glances.
After traveling a few meters into the alleyway, Conor stopped and tucked behind a dumpster. His feet squelched in a puddle of rank trash water leaking from the impromptu cover. While Conor was reasonably sure no one had followed him, a quick double-check was always good for his skin.
Conor did not want to bring trouble to Stitch’s place. He did not have the slightest idea where he would find another techy who could synthesize the cocktail of stimulants Stitch made to keep his broken body held together. Pissing the tech head off was not high on his priority list.
Over the next ten minutes, the only thing his thermal vision picked up between him and the main road was a few Zlit rats scurrying atop discarded food. Their fleshy tendrils groped the garbage and pulled it into maws of razor-sharp teeth.
The sight of them sent a shiver down his spine. Those foul little mammals were high on his list of hated creatures, having been bitten by them more than once since he was a kid slinking around the gutters of Heavalun.
Pushing those memories away, Conor traveled deeper and rounded a blind corner. The sounds of the crowd's chatter entirely vanished as he entered the backstreet where Stitch’s clinic was nestled.
The rest of the journey was only a few hundred meters and only required Conor to sidestep some used needles and shit; He also had to kick one homeless bum who tried to grab the girl out of the cover of his jacket. Usually, he would have just shot the piece of hreck shit, but with his hands full, a swift boot to the jaw got the message across.
With the bum limping away, broken jaw clutched in pain, Conor hammered on the metal door; its frame and the neon sign to its side quivered under his brute strength. Then began the worst part of dealing with Stitch, waiting for the asshole to open the door.
Conor waited until ten minutes had passed and received no answer. Then he punched the door harder, his metal hand denting the surface. Several seconds later, a heavily synthesized voice echoed out of the speakers hidden around the area—speakers that Conor had never been able to locate, no matter how fervently he tried.
“What do you want, Conor?” Stitch questioned. “Did you break more of your wiring?”
Conor sighed heavily, knowing Stitch had this entire block wired with multispectrum cameras and could see him a kilometer out. If this were a visit for his wiring, Stitch would know. The man was just being paranoid and wanted Conor to state his business.
“I got a girl I need you to check up on,” Conor said, pushing his jacket slightly open and letting the girl's ref scales shine.
“What another hooker pass out on a bad trip?” Stitch chuckled cruelly. “This is the fourth this month; you are getting soft merc.”
Rolling his eyes, Conor could admit he was softer than most of the other mercenaries and gangsters in the city's neutral sections. Having seen his fair share of how bad this city can be, Conor did his best not to fuck over those who were just down on bad times and were not trying to cause him issues.
Life was arduous enough for them. So he gave back by lugging hookers and junkies to the nearest tech head and paying for their treatment or the closest Zential clinic. The Zentials were more than willing to treat the downtrodden for free, unlike the other medical services in Heavalun—stitch included.
He considered it his way of giving back and maybe finding Urka's good grace. Perhaps the god might forgive him for being a general piece of hreck shit if he continued to until he did. But he would not know until he finally kicked the bucket.
His intervention was a drop of clean water in the ocean of venom in this city. The other locals were more than willing to pick those he aided clean in minutes. They might as well be a swarm of bealit beatles eating carrion with how ravenous they were.
“It ain’t that. Just open the damn door,” Conor growled, punching the door again.
“Hold on, you greased-up cyborg,” Stitch frantically complained, worried that Conor would break his door again.
Conor smirked, glad the strange form of tolerance he and Stitch had built over the years was still strong. At this point, it was their modus operandi. Neither hated the other; no, they respected one another's role in this shithole.
Both toles put them in harm's way and brought them respect and infamy.
However, Conor found the way the denizens of Heavalun treated them funny. If you asked the average COS or GU citizen, who was more brutal: a mercenary with a pension for hyper-violence and little regard for collateral damage—-or a skeletal Itelv doctor who regularly performs life-saving surgery? They would choose Conor ten out of ten times. They did not know Stitch like Conor, Brakul, or most of the people in this city section.
They would tell you the truth of the good doctor.
They would weave you a tale of a greedy, crit-pinching asshole and that Stitch was the type of man who would stitch up for pay but would just as quickly harvest your organs for sale, or Urka forbid he would stick some experimental tech inside you and wait for your inevitable death to retrieve his property.
The door at long last opened with a vile hiss, and a gangly grey-skinned hand forced it open.
Stitch was just about as tall as Conor. But his thin grey limbs made him look one stiff breeze away from taking flight, with only his heavy artificial spider-like legs keeping him firmly on the planet.
Draped over his pencil-thin neck was a once-white apron. After years of use, it was stained with blood, oil, and hydraulic fluid.
“If she ain't one of your precious hookers, put her on the table. I will get my tool ready,” Stitch hissed, jamming his thumb over a shoulder.
“I ain’t selling this one to you either. Girlie got tagged by visage, and I need yah to treat her,” Conor replied, pushing past and laying the blonde on the recovery bed.
“You said she ain’t some hooker,” Stitch complained following, having gotten tired of Conor no longer bringing him fresh meat to sell.
Once Conor turned around and was about to explain the situation, Stitch pressed a bony finger into Conor's chest. “I told you, I'm selling the next one. She is it,”
“Can it doc. She is a client,” Conor replied. “Or are you going to explain to Brakul why you cut her up?”
Stitch clicked his tongue but did not try to move closer. His glassy, verdant eyes pulled Conor and the girl apart as he weighed the pros and cons of allying with Conor and Brakul another time.
“What is in it for me?” Stitch questioned, tapping a finger on a scalpel attached to his tool belt.
Conor sighed, realizing he should have expected this question, but he was not the broker of deals. That was Brakul’s schtick, and he was running late.
“You can take her jewelry and any credsticks you find on her. Alright?” Conor replied, knowing Brakul likely would have made a similar deal.
Stitch nodded and slinked closer to the woman. He lifted the necklace from her chest and carefully examined the jewels with a prudish eye any good businessman should have. After Stitch activated his magnified eyes, his cornea glowed gold, letting him see the atoms of the shiny trinket.
The doctor grinned cruelly, letting his crystalline teeth show proudly. The sight was unsettling and made Conor grip his pistol, fearing the doctor would flip his shit and decide it was not enough payment and try to cut the girl up.
But he did not start to slice her skin open. Instead, he sniggered nearly uncontrollably for a few moments, then spoke. “Yes, yes, yes. This will do just fine,” He sneered.
Conor was unsure what the jewels were, but they must be worth far more than he initially thought. For Urka's sake, Stitch was drooling on the necklace and the passed-out girl's chest.
“Good. So you will take care of her?” Conor questioned, needing to hear an assured answer.
Quickly slipping the jewelry into his pocket, Stitch looked back at Conor, his demeanor having done a complete one-eighty. “Of course, I always have room for paying customers.”
“Oh sweet, Conor, you handled the deal,” Brakul said, having just stepped in through the doors.
Why Brakul was allowed unfettered access to Stitch’s clinic and Conor was not something Conor had wondered for years but had accepted it as something to do with their role in the duo.
“Yeah, and he will watch the client. But we had yet to lay out the finer details,” Conor explained.
“Ah, no issue, I can take it from here,” Brakul replied.
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so what did you think? a decent chapter or total trash? either way I wanna know. I will see you all in the comments. please don't forget to comment and updoot.
your baker
-Pirate
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PART 1:

 Every town has their own version of “The Boogeyman”. A monster, cryptid, phantom, whatever you want to call it, it’s all essentially the same thing- just a scary story they tell kids in an attempt to get them to behave. An urban legend is just a life lesson disguised as a horror story after all. For us folk living up in the tiny and once prosperous gold-mining town of Trillium, ours was known simply as The Locust Man. Now, let me start by saying, I realize how ridiculous that name must sound to you. “The Locust Man”?? Pftt…What’s he do, besides get stuck in the grill of someone’s pick-up truck. Destroy some crops? Oooh, he sounds real scary... yeah, I know. But yet, as I sit here today 20 years after the fact - a grown woman who’s wiser, stronger, and even more grounded in reality than she was at 12, I still hesitate to even write down that name. 

As a young child I had always thought it to be a little weird that our town was called Trillium, considering I had never seen a single one growing there. If you don’t know, a trillium is a small flower, usually white but they come in other color varieties as well, with three pedals and a bright yellow center. They sort of look like if you took a lily and tore off every other pedal playing “He loves me, he loves me not”. In school, about 2nd grade or so, we were taught everything about this elusive flower I’d never seen in real life, and told how proud our town was to be named after it. Trillium, Colorado was established in 1922 - A new town born in the wake of a great tragedy which befell the town that had previously sat in the same location. For us, and those that came before us, the trillium was supposed to be a symbol of hope. Knowing all that I know now, that sentiment almost makes me want to laugh - in a morbid way.

 Growing up in a small, mostly isolated town, there really wasn’t much for a kid to do. You’d have to drive 45 minutes to get to the closest mall and movie theater. The high school kids would usually all hang out at the roller rink downtown or at the old run-down burger joint called Slim’s that sat across it. But at that age, I wasn’t allowed to go hang out there by myself yet and for me, going with my parents tagging along wasn’t an option I was open to. My neighborhood was on a long dead end road leading up to a large patch of woods that separated the main part of town from the abandoned mine. The old trail the miners used was still accessible up until a point, and so me and the other kids from my street would hang out in those woods all the time. We had a “secret spot” which was, what we thought at the time, about half way through the woods, 10 steps away from a small shallow creek that pretty much ran the length of the area. Rain Creek, we called it. There was a small clearing there, and we had created our own little clubhouse using old milk crates as supports, half- broken wooden pallets as walls, along with some old lawn chairs one of the neighbors was throwing out one day. I made my contribution by bringing a tarp we had in our basement that served as the roof of our establishment. Our parents didn’t love the idea of five 10 to 12 year olds running around in the woods by ourselves, but as long as we stayed within earshot and made it back before the streetlights came on, they probably figured it was safer than us being across town galavanting unsupervised. 

It was me, Lacey, Devin, Mikey and Michelle. We were all best friends - pretty much inseparable, except the boys weren’t invited to the girls’ sleepovers and vise versa. Everyday after school, we’d get dropped off by the bus at the very beginning of our road, and it was a running joke between the Rain Street Gang (as we liked to call ourselves) for all of us to try and run off the bus as quickly as possible, while me, Lacey and Devin would all yell in unison ‘Last two home are some rotten eggs!!’, as Mikey and Michelle tried to push past us to get a head start. The aforementioned two were siblings, and lived in the very last house on our row right next to the woods, so they’d always get home last, regardless of their efforts. Although, the year that Mikey got a pair of Heelys for Christmas he finally got his edge over the rest of us, leaving Michelle to be the lone “rotten egg” until the next summer when one of his wheels broke off. The whole point of it all was just to get home and get our chores and homework done as fast as possible, so we could meet up at Mikey and Michelle’s house with enough daylight left to make our trek into the woods and back - together as a group. All five of us had made a pact to never visit the clubhouse without all members present, although us girls always had a sneaking suspicion that the boys thought themselves exempt from that rule. They, after all, were the ones that had discovered the spot in the first place, and not to mention, did most of the physical labor of dragging our provisions out there. Me and Lacey initially only heard about the spot a day after the boys found it; Michelle had walked into Mikey’s room in the middle of him and Devin talking about it, and immediately relayed the message to us. Michelle wasn’t necessarily more loyal to the girls than the boys, she was just the youngest among us and honestly couldn’t resist blurting out any mildly relevant information she thought she might have, in an effort to be included. But in that regard, if the boys had ever gone out there on their own, they would’ve had to be extremely sneaky about it, because Michelle’s number one objective in life was to gather any piece of intel she could. It was a seemingly normal Saturday morning when we learned our suspicions about the boys may have been warranted.
I had slept over at Lacey’s house the night before. We had just woken up and were still sitting on her bed discussing our possible plans for the day, when Michelle busted through the door with a look on her face that immediately told us she had finally gotten a hold of some juicy information, before she could even open her mouth to stutter out, “You-you-you guyssss, guess w-w-what!?!” Lacey gestured the nail file that was in her hand toward her, raising her eyebrows bluntly as Michelle tried to catch her breath. “So… Devin came to sleep over last night, annnnnd I was pretending to go to the bathroom so I could spy on them. Seeeeee, I was supposed to be sleeping but I -“ “Ughh come on Michelle, get to it! What’d you hear?” Lacey snapped “Ughh okay okay. So, I heard the boys talking, anddddd…. they’re planning to go explore the old mine today!!” “Alright Michelle! Good spying!” I chuckled, trying to encourage her after Lacey’s impatience. Lacey rolls her eyes, then immediately stands up. She takes the scrunchie off her wrist, ties her long blonde hair into a messy bun, and simply said, “Let’s go.” “Lacey..” I said “What??” She responds as if she hadn’t registered the tone of my voice at all. As I opened my mouth to begin explaining all the logical and practical reasons why even if the boys were stupid enough to go play around somewhere dangerous, we shouldn’t be, Michelle exclaims, “That’s where the Locust Man lives!!” I close my mouth in defeat, as I know Lacey will take this nonsense as a challenge, and because of that, no amount of my warnings concerning actual dangers would have any effect on her decision. Lacey dismisses her comment as she attempts to shove her foot into one of her new pink sneakers that she refuses to admit are too small for her. “Pshhh, don’t be such a baby Michelle, he’s not real, you do know that right?” Michelle crinkled her face and yelled back, “Yes he is Lacey! He is!! And th-th- that’s where he lives, and he eats kids that go there!” Lacey laughs at her and says “Oh yeah? You still believe in Santa clause too? What about the tooth fairy?” Michelle looked down at her shoes, and although she could admittedly be annoying, I found myself feeling bad for her. “Come on Lacey, she’s just scared.” Lacey shot me a look like she was expecting me to burst into laughter, but I just gave her a smirk and a shrug, and she rolled her eyes and said “Get dressed.”

 We walked in silence toward the end of the road, though the reasons for all three differed drastically. Lacey’s was determination and resolve, mine was comtemptousness and defeat, and Michelle’s was just fear. I found myself half-way hoping the boys had left already, but as we approached the driveway we caught them just as they were about to step off the porch. 

“Hey!!” Lacey yelled, in her trademark cheerleader cadence. “Where do you boys think you’re going without us?”. Mikey let a groan and rolled his eyes, while Devin said through a coy smile, “Well, we were actually just heading out to go to find you girls.” “Liar.” Lacey snapped, quickly wiping the grin off Devin’s face. “Michelle already blabbed- we know where you two are going and we’re coming too.” The boys looked at each other, then Mikey shot Michelle an angry look as she tried to shrink herself behind me, and said, “Fine, whatever, but no cry baby snitches allowed!!” Michelle then proceeded to prove both of his accusations correct by yelling back, “I am not a cry baby!! I’m telling mom if you don’t let me come with you!!” At that point I finally spoke up. “Alright, listen.” I said sternly, then once I had their attention I lowered my voice a bit to say, “Just for the record, I think us going to that grody old mine is a dumb idea and a big waste of time, but if one of us goes, we all go. That’s the deal, so make your decisions.” Lacey folded her arms in solidarity beside me, and with that we all had an unspoken understanding. So, with the boys out ahead leading the way, we headed toward the tree line.

 As we entered the woods, I felt a sense of dread wash over me - but to be fair, as a preteen emo kid who had already reached an adult level of cynicism, I felt a certain level of dread towards almost everything in life. So take my premonition with a grain of salt, but for some reason, this felt… different. I remember the woods being abnormally quiet that day. It took some time for me to even notice, but as soon as I did, I interrupted the mindless chatter going on to say, 

“Where are all the freakin’ birds?” Everyone turned to look at me as if I’d completely lost my mind. “Uhhh… What are you talking about?” Devin asked me. I pointed up toward the treetops. “Listen…. ” They all looked up, then looked around at each other in confusion. “Every time we’ve ever been in these woods, there’s always birds chirping back and forth. We’ve been walking almost 5 minutes now and I haven’t heard a single bird, have you guys?” “Damn, yeah, that is weird.” Mikey agreed. “They probably all just migrated!!” Devin goofily offered. “That’s stupid Devin, it’s spring. If anything, there should be more birds here, not less you moron.” Lacie argued. Devin flipped Lacie off, which was the best rebuttal he could usually come up with, and then turned toward me and said, “Okay whatever, what’s your point exactly?” “Just that - “ I looked over to Mikey, then back at Devin. “It’s weird.” I didn’t want to say what I was actually thinking. That the woods being too quiet was never a good thing. That when birds aren’t chirping, it could mean there’s a predator nearby. Besides, I was pretty confident that the boys, having both been in the scouts, knew what I knew, so saying it out loud would only serve to annoy Lacie and further frighten Michelle. Mikey broke his gaze that had been fixed on me, and while scanning our surroundings he said, “Let’s stop by the clubhouse on the way.” With a nod from me, we continued. When we arrived at our pit stop, Lacey hobbled over to the closest lawn chair and plopped herself down in it. “Ughhh, my feet are killing me!!” “I wonder why.” I mutter under my breath. “Excuse me, what was that?” “Just saying. Those shoes are gonna be the death of you Lace, you can barely walk in them.” “Pshhh, shut up. They just need to be broken-in okay? You’re just jealous cuz you’re still wearing your dirty old Vans from last year.” “Oooh yeah, you got me there. I am so sad I don’t have a pair of ugly pink Sketchers that don’t fit me.” She stuck her tongue out at me and we both laughed. I was just about the only person who could go toe to toe with Lacey’s sass. It’s part of the reason we ended up being best friends, besides being neighbors. In regard to style, personality and interests, we were almost polar opposites. But when it came to humor we were equals. And more importantly, we both had a mutual understanding when it came to our differences- I was me and she was her, and neither of us felt the need to try and make the other one be more like us. Besides, I was the only person who had ever really stood up to Lacey and didn’t take any of her crap, so I think she respected that. While that exchange had been going on, Michelle had started picking tiny pink flowers, and the boys were rummaging in the clubhouse for something. I yelled in their direction, “Hey! Big Mike and Dirty D!!” Me and Lacey giggled and she mouthed the word “big” with air quotation marks. They didn’t respond, so I walked over to the entryway and looked in. They were standing with their backs to me while looking down at an open metal box, and Mikey was reaching to grab whatever was in it. As he stood back up, I could see what it was. “What the fuck Mikey, seriously?” Hearing me cuss, Lacey and Michelle crowded in behind me. “Chill, it’s just a BB gun.” “I know it’s a BB gun Michael, what are you doing with it, and why is it here?” I was livid at the thought that he might be coming out here and shooting at animals just to be a shithead. I expected something like that from a goober like Devin, but not Mikey. Michelle butted in, “I’m telling mom!!!” “Nice try, dad knows I have it.” He looked at me and softened his tone. “It’s for protection, just in case we come across a black bear, or some weirdo creep out here. Seriously… it’s just to scare off something, not hurt it.” He knew how I felt about killing animals, especially for no good reason. A lot of people out here are poor and hunt for food, which I could accept as a reality. But hurting animals just for fun is psycho behavior, so I was relieved to hear him dispel my fear; I really didn’t want to have to hate him. “Do you even know how to shoot that thing?” Lacey asked. “Yeah, my dad showed me.” Devin clapped his hands together, making us all jump and himself laugh. “Well alright then, let’s get going!” I turned to Michelle, still holding the flowers. “You okay?” She nodded. “If you want me to walk back with you, I can.” I was slightly hoping she’d say yes so I’d have an excuse to get out of this excursion, but she just shook her head and forced a smile. I knew she was scared, but she was just too curious. Maybe I was too.

 We walked for what felt like half an hour. The trees had gotten more dense and the path narrowed from the overgrowth. Still no birdsong. I kept scanning the area in search of any sign of life other than us. Looking for movement of creatures scurrying away, listening for the sound of rustling as we passed, hoping for a squirrel, a lizard, even a bug. Nothing. 

“How much further is this damn thing?” Lacey groaned. Mikey answered without even turning around. “We should be coming up on it any time now.” “You said that like 10 minutes ago.” “Yeah, and now we’re like 10 minutes closer to it. And hey guess what, you insisted on inviting yourself - so suck it up buttercup.” “Hahahaha!” Devin laughed like a maniac at Mikey’s quip, while Lacey folded her arms and for once in her life didn’t have a snappy comeback. This time however, I did. “Well we really only came along to make sure you idiots didn’t kill yourselves.” “Oh, so you girls came out here with us to be our protectors, huh?” Devin laughed. “Ehh, more like babysitters.” Needless to say, I was flipped off for that statement. We rounded the next bend and suddenly all came to an abrupt stop one after another, starting with Mikey. Devin positioned himself beside him and let out a disappointed groan. “Shit Mikey!” A huge tree had fallen and was blocking the trail completely. There was no way we could climb over it because of all the leaves and branches - we’d have to go around it, which meant leaving the safety of the trail and crossing Rain Creek twice to get back to it. “Seriously???” Lacey exclaimed. “Maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t be going.” I shrugged. Mikey didn’t seem fazed by the obstruction at all. In fact, he seemed more confident. More calm. More sure of his intended mission. “It’s fine, we’ll just go around.” Michelle, who had been mostly quiet this whole time, finally broke her fear induced silence. “We are NOT supposed to leave the tr-tr-trail Michael! We could get lost!” “We aren’t gonna get lost Michelle, I have a compass. Plus, it’s literally just a few paces that way, then we cross the creek and circle back once we pass the tree and we’re right back on the trail.” “Oh you have got to be kidding me” Lacey said, “I’m not treading through that nasty water!” “Yeah Mikey, what about Lacey’s brand new shoes??” I laughed, and she playfully slapped me in the arm. Mikey’s patience was wearing thin with us. “Look, we already walked this far - if we turn back now, we’ve wasted the whole day for nothing. If you girls wanna be lame and turn around, then go for it - but me and Dev are going.” That’s all Lacey needed. A challenge to accept; someone to prove wrong. “I’ll show you lame.” She pushed past the boys and lead the way into the thick brush towards Rain Creek. It wasn’t very wide across, and there were lots of fallen limbs and large rocks spread throughout it. The current was barely that of a trickle, and the depth was no more than knee deep for us. It was definitely doable - just an inconvenience. And of course, one more ominous obstacle lying directly in our path. Another hint from the universe telling us to turn around. We didn’t listen. Lacey placed one foot on the closest limb and pushed down a few times to test its sturdiness. “I got this.” She stepped out onto it with both feet, then shimmied sideways until she was close enough to the large exposed rock in the middle of the creek, and hopped onto it. She turned around with a full grin and said, “Coming?” Mikey made his way across the limb as Lacey hopped onto a different limb which led her to the other side of the creek. Devin followed, then me, and then it was Michelle’s turn. “I’m scared to fall in!” Of course she is, I should have made her go before me. “It’s okay Michelle, it’s easy!” I reassured her. She didn’t look convinced in the slightest. “Come on Chelle, we’re leaving you!” Mikey yelled, already walking away. “Nooo!! I’m coming! Wait!” She made it across, but instead of just walking like everyone else did, she got down on her hands and knees and gripped the limb as if it were the only thing in between her and a 50 foot drop to the ground, which was funny to see but prolonged the whole process further. After all, we were about to have to do all of this again. Next go round went a lot smoother. The creek was more shallow here, and there were a whole lot more stepping rocks and debris built up. Having just crossed successfully a few minutes ago, we were all more confident in our abilities, including Michelle - who this time we made go first. “Just walk across like it’s a bridge! You got this!!”, we all cheered for her, and then clapped when she made it to the other side. Before we knew it we were back on the trail, and it wasn’t long after that we finally arrived at our intended destination.

 We all stopped and stared at it for a minute, carefully examining the dilapidated exterior of the place that had brought both prosperity and destruction upon our town. Mikey bent down, picked up a rock and threw it into the entrance. We heard it bounce a few times before it stopped. 

“Just to make sure nothing’s in there.” he turned around to clarify. “Did anyone think to bring a flashlight?” I asked. “It’s dark as hell in there.” I was hoping for just one more reason not to go. Devin reached into his cargo shorts pocket and pulled out a small keychain-sized flashlight, smiling with the satisfaction of finally being useful. “Okay, Mikey’ll hold the gun, I’ll shine the light and you girls follow behind us. Let’s go.” Mikey shifted the BB gun from its position of resting on his shoulder, to holding the barrel in his left hand and the butt in his right; trying his best to emulate a soldier’s stance. Something his dad had taught him I’m sure. We ducked down a bit to enter. “How far in we going?” Lacey asked. “Until we see something cool.” Mikey answered. I turned around to check on Michelle, still hovering in the doorway. “You coming?” I could see in her eyes that fear had finally gotten the better of her, and curiosity had taken a backseat. With wide eyes she shook her head. “The-the Locust Man lives in there.”, she tried to whisper. “I knew you were gonna be a baby about this!” Mikey yelled. I crouched down and put my hand on her shoulder. Against my better judgment, I say “How bout you just wait here for us and pick some more flowers. We won’t be long, there’s nothing in there, I promise. Just.. don’t move from this spot and we’ll be right back, okay?” I could feel her unease, but she seemed to accept my reassurance nonetheless. “Okay.” I smiled, then stood up and looked down at my watch to check the time. 12:46 PM. I turned and headed into the darkness, trying to catch up with everyone else. I didn’t feel good about leaving Michelle, but I didn’t feel good about letting the rest of them go in there alone either. And if I’m being honest, maybe a little part of me wanted to see what was in there too. When I caught up to Lacey she asked, “Where’s Michelle?” “Stayed behind at the entrance, she was too scared. I told her to pick flowers and wait there for us.” “Pshh, figures.” “Yeah. How’s your feet?” “At this point, numb actually.” It was so dark in there that even Devin’s rinky dink flashlight was illuminating the area enough for me to start taking a closer look at my surroundings. I looked around at the rock walls, they were covered in what looked like orange mold and green algae. There was a slight breeze coming in from the entrance, but the whole place just had a staleness to it. The boys stopped and turned around as we arrived at the first curve. “So ladies, what do you think? Cool huh?” Devin asked excitedly. “Smells like a fart in here.” I said.

 The most dangerous thing about exploring an old mine wasn’t getting lost in the maze of tunnels, or tripping on the rusted tracks and slamming your head against the wall - it was something simply referred to as bad air. Pockets of still air that have dangerously low levels of oxygen, the old men in town would call it “black damp”. There was also something produced from the old chemicals they once used called “stink damp”, which smelled like rotten eggs. Both were lethal. 

“I wonder if there’s dead bodies in here!” “Uh, Dev… we’re gonna be the dead bodies in here if we go in too far. I wasn’t just making a joke, you know that rotten egg smell can mean bad air.” Mikey interjected. “The entrance isn’t far behind us, there’s still enough fresh air coming in. We won’t go in too far, let’s just get to the end of this tunnel where it splits off and look around a bit, then we’ll turn around.” The fork in the tunnel really wasn’t that much further, and even though I knew once we rounded this curve I wouldn’t be able to see the entrance behind me anymore, I decided what the hell. Maybe a hundred more steps, then we can finally turn around and this whole dumb situation would be closer to being over with. When we got there, we looked down the length of the connecting tunnels each way. Everything looked unusually identical in its deterioration. I could see how someone could easily get disoriented and lost down here. “Hellooooo…” Mikey yelled to the left, his voice echoing through the corridor. Devin turned to the opposite direction and called out, “Hey yo, Locust Man!! You in here?” We all giggled, which made me think about Michelle, still waiting at the entrance for us, alone in the woods. I looked down at my watch. 12:46 PM. “Hey what the f-“ My cuss word was interrupted by a loud bang that came from the passageway Devin had just been hollering into. We all froze. I didn’t have time to process that my watch had stopped right as we entered the tunnel, or that Michelle had been left alone for who knows how long now, or that we had just heard what sounded like a support beam crashing to the ground, because next came a horrifying screeching buzzing sound. It sounded distant at first, but was quickly increasing in volume. We silently looked around at each other and backed away stunned at what we were hearing. Mikey never took his eyes off the tunnel though, and slowly he began to raise the BB gun to firing position. Without even thinking, I grabbed the barrel and pushed it downward. He quickly tore his eyes away from his target to look at me. I shook my head and managed to barely choke out the word, “Explosion.” He nodded and I let go. I looked down at the gun in his hands, and seeing his finger had already been on the trigger, I realized how lucky it was that I didn’t make him shoot himself in the foot. All of a sudden, the noise stopped. “What the hell was that?” Lacey asked. “I don’t know, nothing good.” I said. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here before this whole place caves in on us or something.” Another loud bang erupted from the right, extremely close to us. “Shit!!!” We all turned around and ran as fast as we could back toward the entrance. Devin tried to push past me, but as he did my elbow knocked the flashlight out of his hand. “My flashlight!!!” “Leave it!” Mikey shouted “The turn is right here, we won’t need it!” We rounded the corner, and using what little light there was illuminating from the entrance to guide us back, we ran like our lives depended on it. And they may have- none of us dared to look back, not like we would have been able to see anything anyway. When we finally made it out, we were all completely out of breath. I felt like I was going to throw up. I have to admit though, once we had made it back to safety I felt a rush of adrenaline like I had just had a near death experience. That feeling quickly faded into sheer panic when I looked around and realized Michelle was nowhere to be seen. “Uh, where’s Michelle?” Mikey asked me. “I told her to stay right here, she can’t be very far… Michelle!!!!” We all called her name, as loud as we could. No answer, no sign of her anywhere. “Alright look, she probably went off a little further looking for flowers to pick.” I tried to rationalize. “Let’s just split off in 4 directions and walk in a straight line while calling for her. She’s bound to hear one of us.” Everyone agreed, and even though I appeared outwardly as the level-headed calm person you need to take control in an emergency, inside I was petrified that something had happened to her, and that it would be my fault. I took the east, and headed out. It didn’t take too long before I passed a large tree and saw her sitting down behind it, looking at something on the ground. “Michelle! Oh thank god!! Didn’t you hear us calling for you??” She didn’t answer me, or even turn around. “Michelle, didn’t I tell you to stay by the entrance and not move?!?” My relief was quickly turning into annoyance as she continued to ignore me. I walked up closer to see what she was looking at, and my mouth dropped in awe of what she had found. It was a single white trillium.

 They say it takes 8 years for a trillium plant to produce a flower, and conditions have to be just right for it to bloom. That’s what makes them so special and rare. I stared down at it almost in a trance, like I was seeing a mythical creature. Michelle slowly reached out her hand towards it and I snapped out of it. 

“No!!” I grabbed her by the arm and she finally turned around to look at me. “If you pick the flower, the plant will die.” She ripped her arm away from my grasp and whined, “But I want to show my mom!” We heard Mikey calling from the north and I cupped my hands over my mouth to yell back, “I found her, she’s over here!!” I looked back at her. “No Michelle, come on, you can just tell her about it when we get back home.” I had enough, I was beyond ready to go and we still had at least another 45 minutes of walking to even get back to the clubhouse; an hour if Michelle kept up her crap. I grabbed her arm again and pulled her up to a standing position, looking back at the trillium as I walked her away. Mikey caught up to us, breathless but trying to hide his concern. “You little shit, we should have left you out here! What the hell were you doing?” I let go of her arm and she walked toward Mikey. “She was trying to pick a flower over there.” “It was a trillium!!” Michelle said, with the biggest smile on her face. “Wait, really?” He looked at me in disbelief. Before I could respond, a blood curdling scream echoed through the forest, coming from the west. It was Lacey. My heart dropped into my stomach and once again, every molecule in my body went into full blown panic mode. This time, I couldn’t contain my composure. “Laceyyyyyy!!!!!” A panicked shriek erupted from my lungs and I took off running. Mikey grabbed Michelle and sprinted after us. The trees became a blur; I didn’t even feel all the scratches and scrapes. Had she come across a coyote? A mountain lion? A bear? I didn’t even stop to think about the danger I might be about to come in contact with, I just ran. And then I found her. She was lying on the ground, holding her left foot. “Lacey!!” I said, trying to choke back the tears that were building up. “I think I twisted my ankle!!” “Oh god damn it, you bitch.” I struggled to catch my breath. “I thought you were dead.” “I might as well be, I have cheerleading practice on Monday!” Mikey and Michelle caught up to us. “What happened?” He asked “She’s being a drama queen, she just rolled her ankle.” I was angry. “Can you get up?” He asked her. She was able to stand, but as soon as she tried to put any pressure on her foot at all, she screamed in pain. We spotted Devin running over from the south as he was yelling out, “Hey yo, everyone alive and accounted for?” “Yeah, Lacey hurt her ankle.” Mikey yelled back. As he approached he looked concerned. “Can you walk on it?” He asked her. “No.” Without hesitation he replied, “Well alright then, looks like you’re gonna have to piggyback it all the way back home.” He lowered himself enough to where she could hop up onto his back, and we headed back toward the trail. Even though my nerves had begun to settle a bit, I knew we were still far from being out of the woods, in more ways than one.

Hello, first of all English is not my first language. So im sorry if i make any mistakes. A few days ago, i saw a quote on tiktok. "I like girls because I like YOU, I don't like you because i like GIRLS" And i just thought how similar this sounds to the experience i am having right now. I am in highschool, and this is my first year. I have 2 friends in my class that i hang out with. Three of us are girls. (Quick disclaimer: In my country teachers switch classes, not students so you have the exact same classmates for the entire year)
And one of them, im going to call her Esther, (this is not her real name) is making me feel some feelings i didnt even know i could feel. From the beginning of the year, i become friends with these girls. They are kind, funny and i really love them. But this is about something beyond friendship. And i think i am the only one who feels that way.
Everything started when we started to go out after school to have fun. When we continued to go out, and talk more about our lives i became so close with these girls. I love them, maybe they are not perfect but they are amazing friends.
I always knew something was a bit odd about me, now i dont think it is odd of course. When i was in kindergarten, when i played games with my friends i was always the saviour, the hero who saved the princess and i was so passionate about it too lol. Growing up, i had some thoughts about wanting to be a boy so i could hold girls like boys did, i can touch them but not in a friendly way. Like i just wanted a girlfriend. I didnt even know what being gay meant until i was 8. And these happened before that. After 8, i still thought about these but i was so STRICT about not being gay.
Some time passed, i become more and more aware of my feelings and my opinions. I became the biggest ally, if someone asked my if i was gay i was straight! Just straight. So i always kept my feelings as a secret. But they become bigger and bigger by each day. I started to listen queer songs, i started to research bisexuality and i even read that one comphet lesbian essay. But the thing that made me realise my sexuality the most is that i felt disgusted everytime a boy showed a "masculine" gesture. But i liked men? I have SO many celebrity crushes. But i just cannot get myself like a guy in my town. The other day when i was out with Esther, a guys came up and asked for my instagram. I gave it to him, we talked a bit and i just never felt excited. He was handsome, he was really cute and respectful but i just couldnt. But i HAVE celebrity crushes so i really dont know. I think men are hot, i would like to have a boyfriend. But i just cannot imagine marrying a men, so i just thought i was not made for marriage. But the idea of having a female partner... felt almost comforting. Its like i wouldnt dislike that.
I had lot of conversations with my mom about queer people. My parents are allys, they were always chill and cool about that stuff. But my mom told me something.
"I support their rights to live, but i think i would get so shocked, and i would have a hard time if my child was gay."
I dont think these words really affected me much because i know my parents would accept me if i was gay or not. But there is just SO much difficulties of accepting yourself.
So i want to talk about Esther, the main topic of this post.
She is really pretty, and smart. I just feel so nice and free with her. When we go out, she understands me, i understand her. She is a bit shorter than me, so petite and just so cute. She even has some piercings haha. She is an atheist just like me, and she is like one of the few people besides my parents that i can talk about atheism. She is very experienced, very mature but fun at the same time. She has a lot of exes, but i never thought one of them was good enough for her. I just met her this school year but i dont want to leave her side. Today, when i was laying my head on her thighs she stroked my hair with her fingers, it felt amazing. She always looks at my eyes while i speak, and i am the type of person who LOVES eye contact. So i told her that i loved this the best about her. Her eyes are really pretty too, like very dark brown. Today i compared my light brown, almost honey coloured curly hair with her black, straight hair and i just become so happy, i dont know why. I am a bit selfish. Like everytime i have friends i just dont like them a lot, you know? But she is different. I adore her.
My other friend in our trio is really nice. I just know i like her in a friendly way. But when Esther laughs, and her voice sometimes makes this very cute voice shen she laughs i melt. I had crushes in middle school, i even had a crush this year, but i just liked the way they looked. I can never compare the emotional connection i have with Esther with any guy i could talk.
Esther has a boyfriend. She is straight. She sat on my lap, we hug everyday. She kisses my forehead and we both play with eachothers hair. I did these exact things with my old friend but i NEVER felt anything. Like just friendly love, thats it. With Esther, it feels intimate. It feels wrong but she doesnt know. She just loves me. I dont hate her boyfriend, he is just not good enough for her. You can ask, do you think you are good enough for her? Well yes. I understand her better than any men ever could. She had 2 boyfriends in this school year and both of them are just some stupid teenage boys. They wouldnt listen her ideas about the universe, they wouldnt like it if she made a dirty joke, but i did. And i loved it too.
But the problem is she wants a guy, and she is only going to see me as her bestfriend. I am a bit taller than her, but i am a girly girl. She wears dresses when we hangout, i wear skirts. She tells me everything about her boyfriend, and i just know that when they broke up, i am going to listen and comfort her. I will be there. And i just want to cry everytime she does these little cute gestures towards me. Do i love her? Am i gay? Am i bisexual? I dont know. I am so confused. I dont want to ruin or friendship so i will NEVER say anything about this. I dont really want advice, but i would be happy if you guys just tell me your opinions. Thank you...

Noah The Pilgrim
Previous First Next
'Noah.'
You can't feel your body, you try to move but receive no feedback from your arms and legs. You open our eyes, or were they always opened? It's difficult to tell when only darkness surrounds you.
'You're here again.'
It's that same voice you heard before waking up in that pod. You try to speak but fail. It feels like you left your body behind, existing only inside your mind.
'Allow me.'
From the dark, a circle of light emerges, filling your vision. The light is not blinding, nor is it too bright to obfuscate the dark, it's just bright enough to reach your eyes without prompting discomfort.
It's the Star. That much, you know for certain.
Normally, you'd feel hopelessly scared, but somehow, all you feel is soothed by its light.
'I remember telling you we wouldn't see each other for a long time. Why are you here?'
Although you wished to answer the question, you could not. Both because you have no control over your body, and because you don't know the answer.
'...'
You recall the AI telling you the purpose of the ship you're in. It was to study this star.
Why? What's so special about this particular star? Sure, it's on the very edge of the ever-expanding universe, but aside from that, it's just a star. A very odd-looking star, but a star nonetheless.
'What's so special about me... Nothing.'
A shiver runs down your spine. It feels as though you've forgotten a significant thing about yourself, and you're sure this star has something to do with it.
'How are you feeling, Noah?'
Like shit. That is what you wanted to answer.
You've been going with the flow ever since you woke up in that pod, not asking yourself neither how or why you've been put in that place, only nodding your way to the bridge.
You've been bombarded with memories that you're sure aren't yours, but your own memories also feel shrouded in a thick haze, and yet, you didn't bother to even think about why it was, only accepting that as truth without understanding this strange phenomenon.
When confronted with things beyond your current knowledge you refuse to acknowledge it by not asking yourself what it is, or by illuding yourself into thinking it's a dream.
Even now, you refuse to acknowledge this impossible place you've found yourself in.
'Why is it that you turn away?'
What to blame for that? You didn't even feel the need to ask anything about yourself. Randomly remembering things as though you were reading them off a manual, taking whatever FYARN says as an absolute truth, and not even reacting to the abhorrent state of the Odyssey.
When FYARN told you about the relationship between the alien and the human races, it told you how superior humans were, and it also told you that the human race lost the war. You didn't bother to call out that clear discrepancy then because you felt as though it didn't concern you, despite being clearly at the forefront of that conflict.
When FYARN asked what you remembered, you simply stated you didn't remember nearly anything, and yet you've made no strive to fix that issue, accepting it as the absolute truth.
All there was left to blame was yourself.
'You're doing it again, turning away from the truth.'
Was it because your situation was impossibly bizarre?
Waking up in a half-blown spaceship could be enough to drive a man to the brink with how random and impossible that notion was. Especially when that man was just a salary man, living month to month, working an unfulfilling job, all while being called the best.
'Perhaps. But I believe that the issue lies much, much deeper.'
The utter darkness shifts and contorts unexplainably. Moving shadows take formless shapes before you. From black to grey, and from grey to different shades of it. Those shapes of impossible geometry cast shadows downwards, as the star stared at you from above.
The shapes expanded and contracted into euclidean and understandable structures. Tall rectangular towers filled the horizon, decorating a path akin to buildings in a busy city.
On the foot of one of those structures, you see a man dwarfed by the sheer size of the scenery.
'Who do you think that is?'
You approach him.
You see a young man that looks to be in his mid-twenties. Your brown eyes stare back at it, analyzing the bags beneath his eye sockets. The dark hair is neither too long nor too short, hastily combed to hide the laziness behind his look. You see a beard that has not been trimmed for weeks, but also lacks thickness, each singular hair isn't particularly long either; and some even appear to be in-grown.
He's wearing a white tuckered-in buttoned shirt with a pair of jeans. A black backpack weighed on his back as he walked through this empty street.
A position you could imagine yourself in, every day of the week.
If you had failed to piece together who that was, it became clear once you noticed the empty look on his face.
It's obvious who that is.
He is a man whose bright dreams have been crushed under the weight of mankind.
How cruel, to be forced to gaze into a dirty mirror...
'You are starting to see it. Let's go further.'
The ractangular towers floated away, as the man continued to walk into the grey void.
Four white walls covered both you and the man, grey shapes transformed into a chair and desk, inviting the man to sit on it.
It was a plain desk and a plain chair, and when the shapes stopped transmogrifying themselves, a plain computer, monitor, keyboard, and mouse rested atop the desk.
Fitting for a plain man. You watch him sitting down in the chair, putting his backpack on the floor beneath the table.
From the backpack, he conjured a notebook and a set of pencils and erasers. He quickly turned the computer on.
This was his job.
The monitor remained grey despite how the man typed on the keyboard. The notebook remained grey despite how the man scribbled on it with the pencil.
A humanoid figure came to be from the geometric mess of grey nearby. It passed by the working man. "G'day Noah." It spoke, as he vanished into the white walls that surround you.
The man didn't bother to respond, he didn't bother to stop his work, and he didn't even bother to look up from his notebook.
Another humanoid figure passed by, holding what looked to be sheets of paper. "Hey Noah, could you sort these documents out for me? I'm swamped today..."
The man looks at the thick collection of papers in the figure's hands. He just started his shift and already lacks the energy and motivation to keep going with his day.
And despite that, he did not want to disappoint.
He points to the empty space on his desk, motioning for the figure to leave it there.
The figure places the paperwork on the man's desk. "Thanks, I owe you big time for this!" After saying that, the figure disappeared into the white walls of the room.
He did not speak a singular word.
You recall this... Feeling.
'Do you remember their names, Noah?'
You could not.
'Do you remember their faces, Noah?'
You could not.
'These people, you used to see them every day. Why do you not know who they are?'
What was the point of it? Why did it matter? Why did they matter?
'Because they are people.'
To you, those figures were nothing but placeholders for those who did the same thing as you. They were nothing special, just like you. So why bother to recall their faces?
'We must go further.'
The white cubicle ceased to be, alongside the man in plain clothing.
The towering rectangles swiftly returned, and with it came a young adult in his early twenties.
Your brown eyes stare back at his. The short dark hair looked as though it was combed for hours until it was perfect. You see a trimmed beard, neatly cut with a blade most sharp. You see that his face has been recently subjected to a daily skin-care regime.
This young man looks to be full of energy.
He's wearing a white tuckered-in buttoned shirt with a pair of jeans. A black backpack was strapped to his back as he walked through this empty street.
Again, you know who this is, yet you don't have the guts to accept it.
'...'
The ringing tune of a cell phone came from the young man's pockets. He promptly picked it up.
"Hey, Noah!" You hear the voice coming from the other side of the call. "The boys and I are going to throw a party today in my place to celebrate finishing high school. You better show up tonight!" It sounds like the voice originates from a man. He is yelling at the phone.
You watch as the young man smirks. "You can bet I'll be there." He answered. "I'll be done with today's interview and head there as soon as possible."
"Great... Something came up, catch you later bud!" And just like that, the call ended. The young man pocketed his phone.
You know how the rest of that day went. The young man passed the interview and secured his spot in a large IT company, then he went to his friend's place and had the best night of his life.
Those memories were the ones you revisited endlessly.
The grey shapes and humanoid figures vanish, returning to utter blackness.
Once again, all you see is the star.
'What happened, Noah?'
You couldn't say. Maybe it wasn't some big thing that happened, but rather a large quantity of small things that eventually crashed down upon you like an avalanche that built up for a long time.
Friends leaving to live their own lives.
Underappreciation of your career.
Your incapacity to form meaningful relationships.
The feeling of being small in the greater scheme of things.
The notion of your life being wasted for nothing.
A lack of accomplishment that was caused by a lack of problems.
You letting your physical appearance go.
But, even amongst all of those aggravating motives, there was one thing that always pained your heart to even recall. For that reason, you refused to acknowledge and even think about it. A trend that would continue for the upcoming years of your life.
Your dream.
Once adulthood came and expectations weighed on you, you had to choose. Live a comfortable life, or throw it all away in exchange for an idea that probably wouldn't even work, to begin with.
You refused to let go at first. Holding unto what little hope there was left for that dream of yours.
In three short years, your life shifted completely.
Friends grew distant, and now all you had as a replacement for them were faceless figures who spoke to you about a job you never really wanted.
Those very same figures held you in high regard, always saying how talented you were or how impressive your skills were. In truth, you never felt like what you did was worth the effort or the praise.
All you ever did in that company was half-assed at best, yet they praised you like their savior. You grew complacent under those who put you on a pedestal.
Your salary increased, and so did the responsibilities, but never were it challenging or engaging. It felt tasteless and odorless.
You refused to even respond to small talk from those people. How could you? If you did, they would shower you with praises you didn't deserve. That theory was proven time and time again.
All you did every day was sitting on a chair, eyes glued to the screen to meet an assortment of numbers and labels. This was nothing. There were people out there, changing the world, fixing the real problems, and you're there, sorting out numbers for a company created to sort out data for a company created to sort out data.
A null uroboros.
Twenty-eight years of a human's life, and for what? To waste away like a gear on a machine?
You remained ignorant of your ignorance. There were no problems since you had more than enough money from your ever-increasing salary you felt you didn't deserve.
You couldn't even bring yourself to quit, afraid to face the consequences, afraid to be replaced. A fact you understood fully well, yet you refused to acknowledge.
Clinging to a feeling of guilt, you couldn't help but hold on to this life. Your life, Noah.
You longed for a change, but wouldn't bring yourself to change it.
Your dream that you lived for so long ago, is something you couldn't even remember. You hid it away in a dark corner of your mind, hoping to never face it again, or else you would break down.
That is what happened.
The coldness of the world is what happened.
You wouldn't go as far as to say that you were a victim of fate.
Instead, you'd say you were a victim of yourself.
'And yet, you're here now. In an impossible place. In an impossible life.'
Are you to waste away on this place as well?
'You had conviction, but lacked guidance.'
Can you even muster that much courage? You fear what the future could bring.
'I presented you this chance for a reason, so you may show them that your soul is the brightest of them all.'
Fear is born for there is hope, but bravery is born for there is fear. You recall someone telling you that once, but...
'Remember this, Noah.'
Where does the courage to take a step forward come from? When it's so dark that you can't see the path ahead, how should one muster enough courage to make the right call?
'Whenever you feel lost, or alone; Whenever you feel like there is no way forward;'
Your vision starts to blur. The star begins to fade.
'So you may never lose your way again;'
Looks like it's time to return to reality.
'I, am your...'
This is my first HFY story, and also my very first OC story. I plan to post at least one of these per week while also posting it on my Patreon. Noah The Pilgrim will always be two to three chapters ahead in there, so if you'd like to directly support this writer, or just want to read more, feel free to check it out.
This has been Lushi, and I'll see you next week.

TW: childhood neglect and verbal abuse - me remembering so many things after last night's session. I just need to tell someone! I repressed this childhood since I moved out of my parents. It's like I died that day and moved on like a robot.
It is as though the illusion I've kept up for the past 24 years of me being always 'happy' and living a happy childhood just shattered entirely.
I have this diary I wrote in a lot in 2014, which is from exactly 10 years ago when I was 14. I cherished it a lot and sometimes would look into it to remember the old days. However, just last week I looked into it again after several months of being more focussed on my mental health (and especially on my childhood & parents.). This time, I saw something entirely different in this cute colorful happy diary.
All I see now, is how I was suffering. Suffering alone and always walking on eggshells. Nothing was ever good enough. Almost every page I refer to 'future me', the one who will understand me. I didn't get that from my parents. Old me, who will listen to how I am feeling and give me the comfort and soothing I so desperately needed.
I write about how I was completely exhausted from highschool, and then constantly bash myself with extremly self critical words. I have pictures of me in there with apologies for being ugly, and stories of 'how I didn't work hard enough'. Several pages describe forms of catastrophizing over the smallest mundane things.
In some pages, I casually mention a family member I dearly loved dying but then downplay it with something else. It's ups and downs by the sentence "It was my birthday yesterday, I had a great time! I am exhausted and drained and school is horrible. I did get a nice gift. I hope grandma stays alive" etc.
All this time I was happily keeping up this story of how happy I was. How I had such loving parents who where always there for me. They would shower me with gifts they could barely afford.
In my house, there were no rules. There was no bedtime. There was no structure - no breakfast together or chores I had to do. Everyone was jealous of me, because I was so free, but child and teenage me were constantly longing for someone to care.
I would be gone from home as much as I could. The atmosphere was so hectic. One day you'd come home to a happy loving mom who has all the patience and curiousity to hear about my day and my struggles. The other I would walk in and get scolded about how I was nothing. One day she was willing to help me with my feelings and emotions, but in other days she'd scold me for having them! I should be strong because according to mom, she's cyinic, and the world is 'angry and cruel. The world is unfair.' Now get up and don't wallow in your sadness and self-pity.
It's like they would give a gift sometimes, just to then call me ungrateful every day after. According to them I was unthankful, selfish, and my mom said I'd act as if the world revolved only around me. If I'd say "huh, I never said that?! I would never say such a thing?" she said "that is just what you think you are doing. But in reality, you're ruining it for everyone".
Eitherway, after going through the entire diary without skipping a page, I remembered I once made a video of my mom attacking me. I looked it up, and for the first time in 8 years I had the mental energy to watch it. My jaw dropped to the floor. I never even saw someone act so horrible before but it's me going through it....
t's like my world shattered. My mom was treating me absollutely horribly in this video. I don't even remember! You can see her face, and she is so scary! Here eyes look like pure hurt, as if she was throwing her own traumatic upbringing onto me and blaming me for it. She looks at me as if she's completely disgusted by me! The entire rant of hers is a complete mind trip where she downplays everything I say and spins it around as if I was just a burden who tried to make life for my parents worse.
I would never help with chores. Because, if I asked if she needed help, she didn't. I didn't have to do anything in the house but also did not know how to do anything. Then on other days she'd get angry I wasn't doing enough in the house and mention how our life should be about "giving and taking" and I should participate in that.
Now having read all of this, and watching some more video's of these attacks, I remember many things. How my parents would lock me up in the dark cold hallway because I had a "tantrum". They say it 'wasn't that long' but overstimulated and panicked todler me would bawl her eyes out. I felt so abandoned. In my life, alltogether, my strongest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for everything. I feel shame. I feel ugly when I cry.
I only managed to teach myself how to release emotions in january this year. I never knew. I couldn't cry since years. When I finally managed this year, I'd notice I'd feel so ugly. My cries sound like my mom crying. She'd cry in our house regularly at some point. Really messy, really loud.
Because of constantly being told I wasn't doing enough, or that I didn't care, I wanted to please. I would muster up the courage and shun myself for how difficult and bad it felt to do so. I would ask her "mom, are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
She'd turn around on her desk chair and YELL. Loud. Screaming at me to get out of her face. Just get out of our life. This happened several times. I'd just walk away from the house. I felt so alone and unwanted. I never could do it right. My dad would just avoid my gaze.
Some days I would be begging my mom for a hug. Just for some attention. But she was so overstimulated that she couldn't even give me a touch. I would feel so lost and alone and just go outside and distract myself with imaginary games. I remember because of this, the moments where I would overheat my parents show off to parents of friends of mine how "I was such an easy kid" and how I could entertain myself and be happy for hours. The other parents would be jealous. I wouldn't know why this would make me cry
My life first going to school was just sheer terror. I felt so abandoned. Every time mom dropped me off I'd kling around her leg crying and screaming. Then afterwards, I wouldn't want to go home either. I remember how later in my childhood I still felt guilty for this behavior, because mom must have been so ashamed. I'd hang around teachers and daycare adults all the time. I wanted to hug everyone, because that was what I so desperately wanted.
My dad could never give hugs. Sometimes he'd allow it, but it would feel so distant. If my mom was starting to freak out about me, he'd sometimes intervere and call me to 'it's done now!' and 'go to bed'! No matter the time. I'd lay in my bed, just trying to curl up and feel somewhat comfortable.
In primary school, I would constantly visit friends. It continued in highschool too. I had two music classes and sports, so for four days a week I was settled after school - not having to go home immediately. Home didn't feel safe. It wasn't a constant. Some days there would be dinner at a nicely put dinner table and we'd eat together, some days I'd just eat some bread myself.
Some days mom would just be lying in bed. I found a video, that's why I remember. She would'nt get out until the beginning of the evening. This was in the time she would normally make me some lunch, or ya-know, take care of me. Suddenly I'd have to do everything alone.
I was constantly entertaining myself with imaginary friends at home. I'd play outside until I was 17 or so, alone. My cat was pure innocence and love but when I told my parents he was 'coughing' they didn't want to believe me. They only took him to the vet when it was too late and never apologized or were able to own up for this.
When I was 14 I wrote in my diary I was looking forwards to visit grandma. She's my mom's mom, and I would sometimes spend up to a week there just to be able to relax and be loved unconditionally. My mom would terroize me with her stress and anger and accusations to a point I couldn't focus on school. I wrote how she'd come into my room calling me names and how I couldn't read my homework papers through the tears.
My dad was never really there. He'd choose himself to be out of the house in the morning before mom and I'd be out and then when he was back he wouldn't make it further into the house than his TV chair. My parents would watch TV for hours when I was a kid. If I asked "what are you watching" they'd both go "Shhhh!". If I'd push it futher, the'd send me upstairs.
I feel like I spend so much time just hiding from my parents. Wheter it was upstairs in my bedroom all day, and night, or if it was outside. I now also remember just biking for hours crying hoping someone would stop and console me. I'd make the wrong friends and smoke weed at 16 just to stop the thoughts.
I would visit friends just because their house was calm and safe. I'd get a nice dinner there, and it would be a whole new experience. My parents would always be easily agitated. I am hyper senstive, hyper aware. I get uncomfortable just seeing them being uncomfortable. I remember I could already feel the energy from streets away. Sometimes I knew it would be wrong and I'd just bike somewhere else and go home later.
In one diary entry, I describe how my parents told me to write a letter to my dad's mom for her birthday. I finish the letter, and only then I allowed myself to take a shower and take care of myself. I would rot in bed, and rot in my dirty hair for days, just like mom. On other days she'd be so happy, she'd be re-decorating the entire house, invite me to go rollerskating.
But I also remember how many times my parents threatened to throw me out of the car. I remember how my 'reaction' to whatever they 'gave me' would never suffice. Then I would be the bad guy, for not being thankful.
My parents, they did everything for me. They paid for everythingg. Ya-da Ya-da, but I never had a proper hug from my dad. I don't know why he's even with my mom. I think he's a fun dude, but he's in mental pain. My mom told me way too young how her trauma's affected her. My dad's childhood would always be an excuse that I had to empathize with when I asked mom as a kid "if dad really loved me".
Other memories involve me running upstairs and then one parent following me. I don't remember getting hurt physically, but I remember all my life the pain I can see in their eyes.
If I look at pictures from my teenage years now, I can finally see the depression in my eyes. It took me up until this year to finally understand that having a clean kitchen and bathroom is something you do because you think you are worthy of a clean space. I had to get out of a depressionhole again over the years many times. I now realize the constant self critisism should have been self love. So that I would feel worthy of taking a shower and brushing my teeth.
I now see how what I saw as 'good experiences' are mostly just my parents taking me somewhere to do some activity and it just fits the perfect family picture. I was their only child but we'd celebrate christmas with many, many presents for me. But once my grandparents didn't live anymore, the birthday parties and tradition celebrations weren't hosted anymore by my parents. I wonder for who they truly did it. I was a golden child, but later in life I was just a burden.
I moved out the first chance I got. They didn't stop me. I was barely 17. I got into partying and drug abuse. I would sleep for weeks in bed. Barely ate. Then I would drag myself out of it again and have missed my mom's birthday. I was the one ruining the relationship to them.
I realized last year my parents had not called me for over 7 months. That was the first time I cried since the last time I did as teen. It's always coming from me.
My depression, my axieties and the treatment my parents gave me were never seen. It was never validated until I could finally read my diary with new eyes and watch those videos. I never got professional help but I will look for this now. I am really longing for someone to tell me what I was going through wasn't normal.
I did not remember this until yesterday, BUT, I am so used to being called weak, sensitive, a cry-baby, a bitch, for telling my mom how her verbal abuse made me feel. I feel so weird, how I repressed all of this for so long and the past years I tried so hard to still visit them and give them hugs and they felt good and now it all just feels fake and weird again.
Well yeah, so this is about everything that's been on my mind today. I feel totally weird. It's a tuesday and I couldnd't even work today. I am lost.

First of all, THIS IS JUST MY TAKE AND OPINION. I raely engage in doompostings but as a Boothill wanter, I just wanna express my disappointment. I like this game. I've also played different turn-based games and it's nice to see Hoyoverse having a success on their first turn-based game despite how turn-based games can be sh***y when it comes to character balancing and adjustments.
As a player who likes "pulling characters that I want" I find it hard to apply it in this game because aside from all the content here evolves around combat, your character can't even do other actions outside combat even if they have a semi-open world setting which us understandable. have already accepted this struggle since I played Day 1 that's why my main reason in pulling characters in this game is having a great kit since Hoyoverse excels in creating good character designs so it's given reason already.
What made me plan to pull for Boothill is how amazing his kit works, how easy to build him, and how he can dish out big numbers even with the lowest investment. Truly a F2P friendly character. Everything was good at first not until these "changes" or should I say "favoritism" rolled out.
I have nothing against Firefly receiving changes in her kit 'cause she needed it but I hope that they did some analyzation first on these changes if there will be no collateral damage that can affect other characters. First the FUA relic is a big L like what are they thinking??? and now, the hope of Boothill having his BiS relic on next patch is suddenly washed away with that changes in the 4pc set just to be specifically in favor of Firrefly when they can at leasg both benefit from it before. It's like the complain on FF of her being too reliant on HMC has been transferred to Boothill wherein there are BH showcases that shows that he doesn't need HMC to work but now, if you want to use his "supposed to be" BiS relics, it seems like HMC is now tied to him just for him to benefit from the 4pc set which is disappointing when it comes to his team versatility.
I hope they fix this before they roll it out next patch because if they don't, this just proves that they don't really care about any potential collateral damage in character adjustments that may occur in the future as long as it favors to the fan-favorite character, they won't see it as a "problem"
I'll still be pulling for the great Boothill, I just did not expect that they would do him dirty like this.

Yesterday morning I had my very first passenger. I picked up a guy form a live in hotel. Ya know the hotels with a small kitchen in that always smell like wet dogs with mash potatoes are being fixed up. Often you can rate these places based on the number of people in wheelchairs smoking cigarettes at 8am in the pick up zone. It was definitely a 8 person rate cigarette zone. Looked like an early access line to hell. Shout out to the devil for getting these folks off the street.(laughs). Guarantee if you have a drug addict in the family you have dropped them off or pick them up from such an establishment.. . Now that we have had a bit of a laugh let get into the story. Also if you don’t know how to laugh at things like this, maybe you should go be a protester or an airport traffic cop. . I noticed a very skinny guy with over sized cloths and what looked like a bag of dirty laundry waving his phone at me. Which I now know as the “ride share mating call”. I opened up my hatch and let him load his bag. Alex then looked at my with full jaw twitch and said. “HavMorBagainThRoomHoleOnThreeorForMinzs”. Luckily I have drug addiction in the family so i can read, write, speak, and translate tweaker. . Alex loaded my hatch with his entire life and we headed out. I ask Alex where we were headed. Yes I said it in crack head talk for those who where are interested all you need to do is roll your lip over you teeth and talk normally. Try it, you know you want to. Alex says I am going to rehab. I just finished stash and need to get to checking before 11am. Then Alex said “can you pull over so I can stash my gun in the woods”………. I told him….. “this is Texas Alex everyone has a gun on then no one cares”. I dropped him at the gas station right across from the rehab where he exited the car when to his bags and dug his pistol out of his bag and walked into the woods to stash his gun. Leaving his life time collection of belongings in my suv. Once he made it to the woods. I through his shit to the curb and booked it. Thank you LYFT-

i'm 20F my mom is in her late 40's ,my mom and dad are together.
I first caught her when i was 15 years old, i was young and a teenager back then and that really had a bad effect on me, IT SCREWED ME UP MENTALLY cause i never thought that my mom would do that, she was an angel to me.
i remember reading her texts and seeing that she was texting a family friend, they were talking dirty, calling each other on the phone etc, i remember that she secretly sent him a huge amount of money (my dad's money because he provides), and i remember him sending her a picture of his id card and stuff still don't know why.
i also remember them sexting a lot, her sending him some adult pictures of her (which made me go insane) and him sending her corn videos, that was soo disgusting .
at that age i knew that i was not mature enough to take the right decision, i was confused , and that's why i didn't tell my dad, but i told my brothers and they refused to believe me. one day i faced her about it and i cried begging her to stop texting that man and she told me she will stop.
my relationship with her changed a lot during that time, she started hating me a lot, and becoming more aggressive towards me.
then i took the decision to not give an f anymore, i thought maybe she will get bored at some point or realize that she's doing something wrong as a mom of 5 kids and if my dad founds out then i'll pretend that i knew nothing so i don't loose his trust as well.
5 years passed by and she is still in the same situation as before and even worse, i remember 2 years ago i checked her second phone(that i didn't know she had) and i saw that she had a fake profile on facebook and its full of dudes in her dms and weird ass groups i was like WHAT THE ACTUAL F* i was shocked then i put the phone away cuz i had enough.
Yesterday, a weird number called her and it was another man i pretended that nothing happened and that i didn't see her phone ringing.
it was yesterday when i realized that she's still going through the same pathway.
what should i do? i don't care about her life, if she's happy with those men then be it, i'm actually worried about my dad, he has abnormal anger issues. he will probably murder her if he founds out, and i'm worried about my reputation as a woman of such society, i don't do these stuff and i never had a boyfriend.
my question is :how can i put an end to this ? should i play dumb for the rest of my life til dad founds out and something bigger happens or just move on and move out ?
btw i come from a conservative 3rd world country, the things that my mom is doing are considered as very shameful and dangerous acts, especially as a woman it's risky here and she knows it. Even if my father murders her one day no one can do anything, men murder women here, yesterday our neighbor stabbed his wife to death, and all the blame was put on her, i'm really worried.

i'm 20F my mom is in her late 40's ,my mom and dad are together.
I first caught her when i was 15 years old, i was young and a teenager back then and that really had a bad effect on me, IT SCREWED ME UP MENTALLY cause i never thought that my mom would do that, she was an angel to me.
i remember reading her texts and seeing that she was texting a family friend, they were talking dirty, calling each other on the phone etc, i remember that she secretly sent him a huge amount of money (my dad's money because he provides), and i remember him sending her a picture of his id card and stuff still don't know why.
i also remember them sexting a lot, her sending him some adult pictures of her (which made me go insane) and him sending her corn videos, that was soo disgusting .
at that age i knew that i was not mature enough to take the right decision, i was confused , and that's why i didn't tell my dad, but i told my brothers and they refused to believe me. one day i faced her about it and i cried begging her to stop texting that man and she told me she will stop.
my relationship with her changed a lot during that time, she started hating me a lot, and becoming more aggressive towards me.
then i took the decision to not give an f anymore, i thought maybe she will get bored at some point or realize that she's doing something wrong as a mom of 5 kids and if my dad founds out then i'll pretend that i knew nothing so i don't loose his trust as well.
5 years passed by and she is still in the same situation as before and even worse, i remember 2 years ago i checked her second phone(that i didn't know she had) and i saw that she had a fake profile on facebook and its full of dudes in her dms and weird ass groups i was like WHAT THE ACTUAL F* i was shocked then i put the phone away cuz i had enough.
Yesterday, a weird number called her and it was another man i pretended that nothing happened and that i didn't see her phone ringing.
it was yesterday when i realized that she's still going through the same pathway.
what should i do? i don't care about her life, if she's happy with those men then be it, i'm actually worried about my dad, he has abnormal anger issues. he will probably murder her if he founds out, and i'm worried about my reputation as a woman of such society, i don't do these stuff and i never had a boyfriend.
my question is :how can i put an end to this ? should i play dumb for the rest of my life til dad founds out and something bigger happens or just move on and move out ?
btw i come from a conservative 3rd world country, the things that my mom is doing are considered as very shameful and dangerous acts, especially as a woman it's risky here and she knows it. Even if my father murders her one day no one can do anything, men murder women here, yesterday our neighbor stabbed his wife to death, and all the blame was put on her, i'm really worried.

i'm 20F my mom is in her late 40's ,my mom and dad are together.
I first caught her when i was 15 years old, i was young and a teenager back then and that really had a bad effect on me, IT SCREWED ME UP MENTALLY cause i never thought that my mom would do that, she was an angel to me.
i remember reading her texts and seeing that she was texting a family friend, they were talking dirty, calling each other on the phone etc, i remember that she secretly sent him a huge amount of money (my dad's money because he provides), and i remember him sending her a picture of his id card and stuff still don't know why.
i also remember them sexting a lot, her sending him some adult pictures of her (which made me go insane) and him sending her corn videos, that was soo disgusting .
at that age i knew that i was not mature enough to take the right decision, i was confused , and that's why i didn't tell my dad, but i told my brothers and they refused to believe me. one day i faced her about it and i cried begging her to stop texting that man and she told me she will stop.
my relationship with her changed a lot during that time, she started hating me a lot, and becoming more aggressive towards me.
then i took the decision to not give an f anymore, i thought maybe she will get bored at some point or realize that she's doing something wrong as a mom of 5 kids and if my dad founds out then i'll pretend that i knew nothing so i don't loose his trust as well.
5 years passed by and she is still in the same situation as before and even worse, i remember 2 years ago i checked her second phone(that i didn't know she had) and i saw that she had a fake profile on facebook and its full of dudes in her dms and weird ass groups i was like WHAT THE ACTUAL F* i was shocked then i put the phone away cuz i had enough.
Yesterday, a weird number called her and it was another man i pretended that nothing happened and that i didn't see her phone ringing.
it was yesterday when i realized that she's still going through the same pathway.
what should i do? i don't care about her life, if she's happy with those men then be it, i'm actually worried about my dad, he has abnormal anger issues. he will probably murder her if he founds out, and i'm worried about my reputation as a woman of such society, i don't do these stuff and i never had a boyfriend.
my question is :how can i put an end to this ? should i play dumb for the rest of my life til dad founds out and something bigger happens or just move on and move out ?
btw i come from a conservative 3rd world country, the things that my mom is doing are considered as very shameful and dangerous acts, especially as a woman it's risky here and she knows it. Even if my father murders her one day no one can do anything, men murder women here, yesterday our neighbor stabbed his wife to death, and all the blame was put on her, i'm really worried.

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/live/cjn8w8j06ik?feature=shared

• They're having a jam session when we join
• 3:45 Neo and Luke are improvising a song about all the guys. I'll just translate the lyrics that Luke sings in Thai because he also sings in English a bit too. When you hear Neo talking/singing, he's trying to translate what Luke is singing, but sometimes he's a little off.
  • Mix: "can be good but also bad. Likes to eat a lot with Pond"
  • Phuwin: (sings in English)
  • Pond: (sings in English) "Everyone knows that he always wants to eat rice with Thai omelette (extra salty)"
  • Neo: "He's probably the most annoying in the house, but he's also cute. He loves annoying everyone a lot, especially Earth. That's the kind of person he is. He plays guitar really well."
  • Khaotung: "I like how he likes similar things as me. I like how he plays darts with me. I like how he also wins games like me."
  • (pause while they laugh)
  • 6:30 Earth: "Everyone who's watching this livestream knows that he likes to wear this red sweatshirt." (pause because Neo needs to think of what to play) "Red shirt, red shirt, has nice stuff in his hair" (then sings in English) (pause because of Neo's mistranslation) "Actually, he should be the best in the house, but right now he has the lowest score. But that's alright, because there's lots of time for him to win more games."
  • Gun: "Yellow shirt, like the Sang Sang that he's the presenter of. He's really tiny, but his smile is huge. He's also very good-looking and the nicest in the house" (then Luke says something a bit funny but rude, which makes Gun get up and try to push a pillow in Luke's face)
• 9:50 Mix and Gun go to the kitchen. The others realise that they can watch the footage of the kitchen from the TV.
• 10:45 Neo and Khaotung consider improvising a song for Luke since he didn't get to sing about himself, but Luke declines.
• 12:15 PD asks everyone to assemble in the kitchen. She makes a notification sound before speaking so that the guys don't get startled, which they appreciate
• 13:20 Medal competition sponsored by Sea Me Now. Gun reads the rules. They will divide themselves into two teams. Each team will send two members to prepare "yum" (a type of Thai salad served at room temperature, often involving some kind of noodles like glass noodles) within 15 minutes, using the seafood from Sea Me Now. Meanwhile, the remaining 4 guys will wait in another room until the dishes are ready, and they will come and blindly taste the dishes and vote on which dish is better. Winning team gets one medal each.
  • 16:00 PD asks the teams which member each thinks is the best cook in the team. Phuwin is the best of the left team, and the right-hand team are undecided between Gun and Khaotung. At 17:30 PD asks which member from each group is the worst at cooking. The guys start to figure out that PD is going to pair the best cook with the worst cook, so the right-hand team try to blag that Khaotung and Gun don't know how to cook that well after all. At 18:30, Neo is the only one who hasn't caught on to PD's plan, so he raises his hand to indicate that he's the worst cook on that team because he thinks it means he won't have to cook. Final cooking teams are Phuwin/Neo and Gun/Pond. The rest go to wait in the play zone.
  • 21:00 Phuwin has only just realised that they are required to make "yum," which he doesn't know how to make. He mistakenly thought they could make whatever they wanted. Gun is also not confident.
  • 23:00 Cooking timer begins. Both teams decide to use the salmon. Phuwin/Neo decide they're going to leave their salmon raw. Pond asks Gun if they're going to leave theirs raw too, and Phuwin accuses him of copying them. Gun decides they're going to lightly blanch their salmon.
  • 28:00 Neo goes to look for a food processor. Gun asks if he can process enough chilis for both teams, and Neo initially jokingly declines, but then agrees.
  • 30:15 Phuwin asks Neo to make the glass noodles. Neo isn't sure how to prepare them, and Phuwin guesses that they're supposed to just put them briefly in boiling water (which is correct)
  • 31:30 We cut to the play zone where the tasting teams do a light brand plug for Sea Me Now. They teach Luke a new word that basically means "great." (I guess it's kind of like "sick" in English how the actual definition of the word is different, but it's slang when used in context). Mix is confident that Gun/Pond are going to make the better dish.
  • 37:00 PD announces one minute remaining, and that "the customers are complaining." Gun/Pond finish with some time to spare and present their dish to the camera, but Phuwin/Neo finish a little late (but it's fine; there will be no penalty. PD just keeps rushing them to finish)
  • 40:30 PD asks the teams to write the names of their respective dishes on the mini boards provided. Pond originally writes a name that indirectly reveals that he and Gun made that dish, and PD says that the names can't have any hints of who made which dish.
  • 43:30 PD asks the teams to pose with their respective dishes, and invites the audience to screenshot and caption them. Gun/Pond's dish translates to, "Definitely delicious; try it and see," and Phuwin/Neo's dish (roughly) translates to, "Just making a 'yum,' but don't know how to make it" (It's a rhyme/pun in Thai)
  • 44:30 Cooking teams leave the kitchen and go sit in the living room so they can watch the tasting on the TV. PD warns them not to cheat while the teams are changing rooms.
  • 47:15, the tasting team goes to the kitchen. They each get 3 ping pong balls with which they can vote. Phuwin/Neo's dish is the white side, and Gun/Pond's is the blue side. The votes can be cast by dropping the balls into the coloured containers corresponding to the dishes.
  • 48:00 It is immediately obvious to all of them immediately which team made which dish. Transcription starting from 48:20:
    • Earth: "Why don't we start by judging the presentation before we taste?"
    • Mix: "Looking at these two dishes, this one (blue) is definitely wins."
    • Earth (trying to help his team): "I think I'm going to go with this one (white). Listen, none of us know which dish was made by which team..."
    • Luke: "But we have theories."
    • Mix: "I just want to know in what way this (white) dish could possibly be more beautiful than that (blue) dish."
    • (pause while they think of some nonsense) Luke: "The vegetables. They just look so nice. And there are so many of them."
    • Earth: "I'm giving it to this team (white)."
    • Luke: "Me too."
    • (audio cuts out for a few seconds)
    • Mix is saying "The truth?!" to implore Earth and Luke to admit the truth, but they stick to their decisions
    • Luke: "It's my personal opinion. I'm not changing."
    • 49:55 Mix comes up to the camera and mouths, "There are cheaters here."
    • Earth and Luke say, "Who knows? This plate could have been made by anyone."
    • 50:15 Mix: "Okay, let's move on to the flavour." They taste Phuwin/Neo's first.
    • Earth: "I hear laughing outside. Who's laughing?"
    • 51:00 Luke: "Very good."
    • Earth looks at Luke. Luke: "It's actually good. It suits my palate."
    • Mix: "I mean, it's alright. It's not bad. The salmon and imitation crab are good. They taste really fresh. But the noodles are awkwardly super cold. Like, is this bamee yen (a cold noodle dish)? Also, there's just something not right. It's sour, and it's like trying to be spicy but not spicy, trying to be salty but not salty. It's not balanced. What do you think, Earth?"
    • Earth: "I'll give it to you honestly."
    • Mix: (puts his hand on Earth's shoulder and looks into his eyes) "Yes, give it to us honestly."
    • Earth: "Okay, honestly, I like the raw ingredients. I like that the imitation crab meat is in large chunks. But..."
    • Mix: "Look, he's talking about the raw ingredients. He's not even talking about the flavour of the dish."
    • Earth: "The flavour is like how Mix described. And honestly, it's sour. It's so sour. Uncomfortably sour. Like, too sour. Can I have some water?"
    • 52:40 Luke: "I really like how there are lots of vegetables here. That means that dish is really healthy for you. If you ask me if I can eat the other dish, I can eat it, but it won't be as healthy as this dish."
    • Earth: "Oh, okay, so he's talking about the health value of the dish."
    • Mix: "But we're talking about the flavour of the dish, here, no?"
    • Luke: "I'm a person who doesn't like eating things too spicy. (uses the vocab word he learned earlier) So I like that this one is a good balance. It's not too spicy for me.
    • 53:35 Earth looks at Luke and says, "Is it not too sour? I think you've already helped our team a lot here."
    • Luke: "No, I don't think so. I honestly think it's good. But we haven't tried the other dish."
    • Earth: "That's true. Different people have different flavour preferences. Some like super sour, for example. And if those people also don't like spicy food, this dish is for them."
    • 54:05 They ask for Khaotung's review. He pauses and then quietly says, "Um... Sour. It's sour."
    • Mix: "How about between the words 'delicious' and 'not delicious'?"
    • Khaotung: "Well, I can definitely eat it. But it's super sour. It's not well-rounded."
    • 54:35 They move on to taste Gun/Pond's dish. Mix comes to the camera and enthusiastically whispers, "It's SO good!"
    • 55:15 Earth: "I like the creativity of this team. The salmon was raw, but this team lightly blanched the fish so that the inside is still raw, which adds a lot of layers to the flavours and textures of the dish. I like it."
    • Mix: "Can I speak extendedly? It's SO good. It's amazing. It's well-rounded, yummy, the textures are amazing, and it's easy to see that the person who made it really knows how to cook. I'm pretty sure I know who made it." Khaotung agrees.
    • 56:40 Luke decides to still vote for the white dish because the second dish is a bit too spicy for him. Earth sees that there's no way that the white dish can win anymore, so he puts his last ball into the white container anyway.
  • 58:00 More brand plugging for Sea Me Now
  • 59:45 PD calls the cooking teams back to the kitchen to announce the results.
  • 1:00:35 Luke says to Phuwin/Neo: "I tried, guys." Neo says, "I love this guy. He said the truth straight from his heart." Earth says that he tried to say the truth too. Neo complains that he was working with so many ingredients he had no idea how to use. I was just putting everything in randomly. Mix asks who did the seasoning/flavouring, and Neo said, "Me, but we didn't have time to taste it because we ran out of time."
  • 1:02:00 The cooking teams try each other's dishes (and Phuwin/Neo try their own dish for the first time too). Neo tries Gun/Pond's dish. Earth immediately feeds him a huge bite of his own dish. Neo pauses and says, "It seems like it's missing something." Mix and Earth say, "Not something. Many things. Like deliciousness." Earth feeds some to Phuwin, and he also doesn't like it.
    • 1:02:45 Neo looks at Earth and says, "You did the right thing." (in reference to criticising this dish and voting for the other one). Earth says, "So you understand me now?!"
    • Neo makes fun of how Gun was previously dramatic about not knowing how to make "yum." Gun says that he truly wasn't sure, and Neo feeds Gun some of Phuwin/Neo's dish saying, "See? This is what it means to truly not know what you're doing." Gun's eyes water while eating it, and he says, "It's so sour," and goes to hug Neo and Phuwin.
  • 1:04:00 More brand plugging for Sea Me Now
  • 1:05:00 Neo says that he's glad that there's at least someone (Luke) who enjoys eating his food. He then realises that Luke has only been eating the seafood and the vegetables, none of which have been flavoured/seasoned. Luke then takes a bite of the noodles to appease him.
• 1:06:00 Seafood lunch. Menu includes (professionally-made) "yum" with salmon and imitation crab topped with salmon roe; oysters with a seafood sauce; scallops fried with garlic, salt, and pepper; and grilled salmon steaks
  • 1:17:45 Khaotung and Mix go to the kitchen to make some more food with the fresh seafood they have
  • 1:19:15 Luke asks Earth why he's sitting so far away from him, and Neo turns it into a pun about Earth wanting scissors ("sitting far away" sounds a bit similar to "looking for scissors")
  • 1:21:10 This is Pond's first time trying mashed potatoes. Luke and Phuwin explain what they are to him and explain that in some Western countries, they eat less rice than they do in Asia, so sometimes they eat potatoes as the starch (a lot of the dishes for this meal were prepared in a Western way)
  • 1:22:30 Neo teaches them Isan slang that a more polite phrase to basically say, "BS-ing." They also mention the Central equivalent of the phrase. They ask Luke what an equivalent in English would be, but Luke can only think of "BS-ing," so he says that he can't say it out loud. He eventually goes with "spinning stuff." Neo says that he feels like English doesn't have as many rude/swearing words as Thai does, and Earth makes a joke that he wouldn't be surprised if Neo's name was rude in English.
  • 1:23:55 They like how Luke seems especially giggly today, so they try to keep him laughing. Neo says a Thai phrase/idiom that basically means that he's not even being funny to his full capacity right now, then Earth and Phuwin give some sarcastic remarks that are like playful insults to Neo, which Luke continues laughing at.
  • 1:26:00 Phuwin and Gun join Mix and Khaotung in the kitchen to cook some more seafood. They're prepping some salmon, scallops, and oysters. Gun wants to make lightly floured and pan-fried tofu.
  • 1:27:30 The guys at the table are joking to Luke that it's Thai culture to be polite to people, but then the closer you get to them, the more you insult them. You start the insults behind their back, but then you can eventually insult them to their face (it's not technically false, especially for some friend groups, but the way they were explaining it is a bit too much, hahaha). Then they demonstrate that, actually, the best thing to do is to be polite to someone's face, and then behind their back, you compliment them again.
  • 1:29:00 They exchange the English and Thai versions of the phrase "fishing for compliments"
  • 1:32:20 Luke is trying to tell the story of why he came to Thailand, but he's still in his giggly mood. He wanted to be an actor in the US, but he was scouted from IG to come and be a model in Thailand, so he arranged to come for 3 months, but he liked it, so he stayed.
  • 1:34:10 They mention that they're glad they have Neo in the house because otherwise it would be so much quieter and less entertaining.
  • 1:40:15 Gun brings the tofu for the guys at the table to try. They struggle a bit because it's still very hot, but they approve.
  • 1:43:45 The guys at the table talk about ventriloquists. Luke explains how in the US, ventriloquism can either be creepy or funny depending on the act, but in Thailand it tends to mostly be creepy. They start discussing some related film/series plots.
  • 1:59:30 Pond, Neo, and Luke dance a bit for the cameras
• 2:01:00 Relaxing time. Mix presents the dish he made to the camera: spaghetti pad kee mao (drunken noodles) with scallops, crab, and salmon roe. He brings it to the living room for everyone else to try.
  • 2:08:40 Some language lessons. Phuwin and Luke ask Neo some questions for him to answer in English. They also ask Luke some questions in Thai. They try to ask Neo and Luke to speak English and Thai (respectively) for two minutes each, language exam-style.
• 2:13:50 PD asks the losing team from the last game to go wash dishes. They say that the sink area is small, so two people will wash at a time.
  • 2:36:05 Earth drops and breaks a dish. Earth tells a story about how when he was very young, he hated washing dishes, so sometimes he would secretly break some dirty dishes behind his house so he wouldn't have to clean as many. Eventually his mother started wondering where all the dishes were disappearing to, but she just kept buying more
• 2:41:15 PD asks for someone to wake Gun (who's napping on the sofa) and assemble in the area in front of the medal board for the next medal game. She asks Mix "the one with many medals" and Earth "the one with hardly any medals" to take the lead in reading the rules. Earth is offended, but PD says, "Earth, you have to accept the truth."
  • 2:42:40 Game sponsored by Super Coffee. They will divide into two teams. King of the Day chooses the pairs that will compete together. Each person in the pair will wear a sumo costume with a bag of Super Coffee attached to their back. Whoever is the first to successfully remove the bag of coffee from their opponent's back wins that round, and their team is awarded one point in the game. Once all the pairs have competed, the winners will compete to determine the final winner. Winning team gets one medal each. The rules say nothing about singing or having dancing breaks during each match, but the guys do so anyway.
• 3:21:20 PD asks everyone to change into swimming clothes and meet at the pool. Phuwin has to study, so he won't join for the next activity.
• 3:39:00 Neo reads the directions. They're going to play the Werewolf (ma paa) game. Between the 7 of them, they will randomly get assigned roles: 2 werewolves (who can kill people), 1 bodyguard (who can choose someone to protect from death each round), 1 seer (who can privately uncover the identity of one other player each round), 1 hunter (who, if they are killed, can choose one other person they suspect of being a werewolf to die with them), and 2 villagers. PD will be the narratoreferee. The game is basically between the werewolves and everyone else. Each round, in order, the narrator will instruct the werewolves to choose someone to kill, then the bodyguard to choose someone to protect, then the seer to privately uncover the identity of one other player. Then everyone must talk and decide on one person to kill out of suspicion of being a werewolf. If both werewolves are killed, the common people win. If there's at least one werewolf left at the end of the game, the werewolves win.
  • [PD is a very dramatic and colourful narrator, which is why everyone is reacting to most of her lines throughout the game. Werewolf in Thai is "ma paa" and villagetownsperson is "chao baan," to help you guys understand what's going on. All the other roles are called in English, although sometimes they call the bodyguard "moh" which means doctor]
  • 3:45:30 First game: Werewolves=Gun/Earth, Bodyguard=Neo, Seer=Khaotung, Hunter=Mix
    • First round: No one dies
    • Second round: Pond dies. They vote to kill Khaotung
    • 4:04:45 Third round: No one dies. Neo says that Mix is a common person because he saved this round. They vote to kill Earth
    • 4:13:30 Fourth round: Neo dies. They vote to kill Gun. Common people win.
  • 4:19:00 Second game. They're no longer allowed to say whether they saved someone or not. Werewolves=Khaotung/Mix, Bodyguard=Gun, Seer=Luke, Hunter=Pond
    • First round: Earth dies. They know someone is lying because too many people are claiming to be villagers. They think they should believe Neo because he was so honest last round. They vote to kill Khaotung.
    • 4:34:10 Second round: Pond dies and choses to kill Mix with him. Common people win.
  • 4:37:50 PD asks them to vote on the best and worst liar. They aren't sure yet, but Khaotung is voted the worst liar. Punishment is cleaning one of the bathrooms tomorrow.
• 4:41:15 Relaxing time. Neo gets thrown in the pool.
• 5:08:00 Fan talk
  • Group 1: It's supposed to be the 4 top scorers on the medal board, but Khaotung is still showering, so Earth goes in his place because he's lowest. Neo did a bit more exercise with Luke this morning. They recap the walking doll game from the morning and how random and unpredictable it was. Mix was bitter that he felt like being King today was more of a burden than Luke's experience the previous day. Luke says it's probably because Mix's Thai is better, so they felt like using him for more jobs/tasks. They recap the cooking competition; Gun/Mix say they were lucky that they were on the team that had several options of people who knew how to cook. They talked about how the judging was biased, but Earth said that at the end, he had to admit the fact that Phuwin/Neo's dish was so sour that he could feel it in his brain. Gun/Mix were glad that they didn't have to wash dishes today because there were so many dishes to wash, and they made fun of Earth breaking the dish. They all enjoyed the sumo game. They started to regret that they started the singing/dancing gag, but they committed to it for entertainment purposes. They agreed that Khaotung is indeed the dark horse because no one expected him to be that quick in the sumo game. Everyone also had fun playing Werewolf.
    • 5:18:45 Fan comments: They like how Gun seems like the eldest brother in the house, taking care of everyone. People made fun of Earth's childhood dish-breaking story. (The guys eventually start talking amongst themselves, mainly about how Earth doesn't think he has a chance to win anymore, and they say that there are many more opportunities for medals in the coming days, so anything can happen)
  • 5:26:15 Group 2: They talk about how much Pond likes rice with Thai omelette [note: pretty much everyone in Thailand loves it, but Pond feels like eating it all the time], and he likes to make Phuwin make it for him in this house. They're all impressed with how good Khaotung was at the sumo game. Phuwin/Neo explain what happened during the cooking competition: Phuwin usually never eats "yum," but last week, his family made some but he didn't have any, so he regrets not having it so he would have a better idea of how to make it. Neo said he was just randomly putting things in without knowing for sure if they were supposed to go in. They made fun of Neo's dishwashing "technique." They recapped Werewolf, and everyone was unsure whether to trust/believe the things Neo says because he talks rubbish a lot.
    • 5:32:45 Fan comments: They mention that this has turned into a pure comedy show. They like how everyone works together and the vibe isn't overly competitive.
  • 5:37:00 Late-night meal. Menu includes fried chicken wings, spaghetti carbonara, spaghetti with bacon, sticky rice with pork, sandwich, pizza, more spaghetti, and minced pork wrapped with noodles.
    • They feel like today was very full/busy, and they're all feeling tired, but they've had fun.
    • 5:47:00 Earth and Neo say that they may not have many medals, but at least they're funny. They get up and try to entertain the rest of the guys.
• 5:52:45 Everyone bids farewell to Gun because it's his last night. Gun says to the audience, "Thank you so much for watching all of us these past three days. I hope you've enjoyed seeing our dynamics in this more relaxed environment. I hope you'll continue watching the rest of the guys for the rest of the days and see what fun is in store."

After much work, I finally got a system running without issue (knock on wood) where I can pass a GPU, Ethernet device and NVMe disk to the guest. Obviously, the tricky part was to pass the GPU as everything else went pretty easily. All defvices are released to the host when the VM is not running it.
Hardware: - Z790 AORUS Elite AX - 14900K intel with integrated GPU - Radeon 6600 - I also have an NVidia card but it's not passed through
Host: - Linux Debian testing - Wayland (running on the Intel GPU) - Kernel 6.7.12 - None of the devices are managed through the vfio-pci driver, they are managed by the native NVMe/realtek/amdgpu drivers. Libvirt takes care of disconnecting the devices before the VM is started, and reconnects them after the VM shuts off. - I have set up internet through wireless and wired. Both are available to the host but one of them is disconnected when passed through to the guest. This is transparent as Linux will fall back on Wifi when the ethernet card is unbound.
I have two monitors and they are connected to the Intel GPU. I use the Intel GPU to drive the desktop (Plasma 5). The same monitors are also connected to the AMD GPU so I can switch from the host to the VM by switching monitor input. When no VM is running, everything runs from the Intel GPU, which means the dedicated graphic cards consume very very little (the AMDGPU driver reports 3W, the NVidia driver reports 7W), fans are not running and the computer temperature is below 40 degrees (Celsius)
I can use the AMD card on the host by using DRI_PRIME=pci-0000_0a_00_0 %command% for OpenGL applications. I can use the NVidia card by running __NV_PRIME_RENDER_OFFLOAD=1 __GLX_VENDOR_LIBRARY_NAME=nvidia %command% . Vulkan, OpenCL and Cuda also see the card without setting any environment variable (there might be env variables to set the prefered device though)
WINDOWS:

• I created a regular Windows VM, on the NVMe disk (completely blank) when passing through all devices. The guest installation went smooth. Windows recognized all devices easily and the install was fast. Windows install created an EFI partition on the NVMe disk.
• I shrank the partition under Windows to make space for MacOS.
• I use input redirection (see guide at https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/PCI_passthrough_via_OVMF#Passing_keyboard/mouse_via_Evdev )
• the whole thing was setup in less than 1h
• But I got AMDGPU driver errors when releasing the GPU to the host, see below for the fix

MACOS:

• followed most of the guide at https://github.com/kholia/OSX-KVM and used the OpenCore boot
• I tried to reproduce the setup in virt-manager, but the whole thing was a pain
• installed using the QXL graphics and I added passthrough after macOS was installed
• I have discovered macOS does not see devices on bus other than bus 0 so all hardware that virt-manager put on Bus 1 and above are invisible to macOS
• Installing macOS after discovering this was rather easy. I repartitioned the hard disk from the terminal directly in the installer, and everything installed OK
• Things to pay attention to: * Add USB mouse and USB keyboards on top of the PS/2 mouse an keyboards (the PS/2 devices can't be removed, for some reason) * Double/triple check that the USB controllers are (all) on Bus 0. virt-manager has a tendency to put the USB3 controller on another Bus which means macOS won't see the keyboard and mouse. The installer refuses to carry on if there's no keyboard or mouse. * virtio mouse and keyboards don't seem to work, I didn't investigate much and just moved those to bus 2 so macOS does not see them. * Realtek ethernet requires some hackintosh driver which can easily be found.

MACOS GPU PASSTHROUGH:
This was quite a lot of trial and error. I made a lot of changes to make this work so I can't be sure everything in there is necessary, but here is how I finally got macOS to use the passed through GPU: - I have the GPU on host bus 0a:00.0 and pass it on address 00:0a.0 (notice bus 0 again, otherwise the card is not visible) - Audio is also captured from 0a:00.1 to 00:0a.1 - I dumped the vbios from the Windows guest, sent it to the host through ssh (kind of ironic) so I can pass it to the host - Debian uses apparmor and the KVM processes are quite shielded, so I moved the vbios to a directory that is allowlisted (/usshare/OVMF/) kind of dirty but works. - In the host BIOS, it seems I had to disable resizable BAR, above 4G decoding and above 4G MMIO. I am not 100% sure that was necessary, will reboot soon to test. - the Linux dumped vbios didn't work, I have no idea why. The vbios dumped from Linux didn't have the same size at all, so I am not sure what happened. - macOS device type is set to iMacPro1,1 - The QXL card needs to be deleted (and the spice viewer too) otherwise macOS is confused. macOS is very easily confused. - I had to disable some things in the config.plist: I removed all Brcm Kexts (fro broadcom devices) but added the Realtek kext instead, disabled the AGPMInjector. Added agdpmod=pikera in boot-args.
After a lot of issues, macOS finally showed up on the dedicated card.
AMDGPU FIX:
When passing through the AMD gpu to the guest, I ran into a multitude of issues: - the host Wayland crashes (kwin in my case) when the device is unbound. Seems to be a KWin bug (at least KWin5) since the crash did not happen under wayfire. That does not prevent the VM from running anyway, but kind of annoying as KWin takes all programs with it when it dies. - Since I have cables connected, kwin seems to want to use those screens which is silly, they are the same as the ones connected to the intel GPU - When reattaching the device to the host, I often had kernel errors ( https://www.reddit.com/NobaraProject/comments/10p2yr9/single_gpu_passthrough_not_returning_to_host/ ) which means the host needs to be rebooted (makes it very easy to find what's wrong with macOS passthrough...)
All of that can be fixed by forcing the AMD card to be bound to the vfio-pci driver at boot, which has several downsides: - The host cannot see the card - The host cannot put the card in D3cold mode - The host uses more power (and higher temperature) than the native amdgpu driver I did not want to do that as it'd increase power consumption.
I did find a fix for all of that though: - add export KWIN_DRM_DEVICES=/dev/dri/card0 in /etc/environment to force kwin to ignore the other cards (OpenGL, Vulkan and OpenCL still work, it's just KWin that is ignoring them). That fixes the kwin crash. - pass the following arguments on the command line: video=efifb:off video=DP-3:d video=DP-4:d (replace DP-x with whatever outputs are connected on the AMD card, use for p in /sys/class/drm/*/status; do con=${p%/status}; echo -n "${con#*/card?-}: "; cat $p; done to discover them) - ensure everything is applied by updating the initrd/initramfs and grub or systemd-boot. - The kernel gives new errors: [ 524.030841] [drm:drm_helper_probe_single_connector_modes [drm_kms_helper]] *ERROR* No EDID found on connector: DP-3. but that does not sound alarming at all.
After rebooting, make sure the AMD gpu is absolutely not used by running lsmod grep amdgpu . Also, sensors is showing me the power consumption is 3W and the temperature is very low. Boot a guest, shut it down, and the AMD gpu should be safely returned to the host.
WHAT DOES NOT WORK: due to the KWin crash and the AMDGPU crash, it's unfortunately not possible to use a screen on the host then pass that screen to the guest (Wayland/Kwin is ALMOST able to do that). In case you have dual monitors, it'd be really cool to have the right screen connected to the host then passed to the guest through the AMDGPU. But nope. It seems very important that all outputs of the GPU are disabled on the host.

• Waylon Fright is the leader of Wrath and third in command, outranked by Envy and Pride. He's an arms dealer that buys and sells firearms, but also offers assassins.
• There was some question to his leadership as, being a mercenary, he offers his services to any willing customer. That includes heaven and limbo buying and selling him weapons. Limbo may have put hits out on a couple of problem folks within, but there isn't any record of heaven ordering hits. Some speculate a cover up, but does Waylon care? Probably not.
When questioned by Pierce about his allegiance to hell, Waylon assured him that his loyalty lies with hell and any concerns Pierce has shall be answered with a background check. Waylon was right, but heaven denies ordering hits.
• He wasn't affected by the Piercing of Power, only requesting funds in exchange for territory.
And now onto Hemoria • Hemoria rose from private to general for her ambition and ruthlessness. She wasn't afraid to get dirty and do whatever it took to win a battle. She was only second in command to Waylon, amazing him and her superiors. When she was captured, one of heaven's generals cut off her arms. The logic behind this was she couldn't escape without them, dozens of locks that would require hands. Well, when you think about it, feet are similar to hands, they just pick up more dirt.
And thats how Hemoria escaped, granted, it was not easy, but she escaped and was hailed as an armless badass.
Waylon took note of this. He asked her all sorts of questions and she even got a little Intel as a souvenir. Eiichi was jealous, of course. But Pierce was thoroughly impressed and awarded her a medal that could be worn around the foot.
But, something that Greed, Gluttony, and Sloth all saw, were sparks between Waylon and Hemoria. This was the first time in god knows when, but it was hard to deny.
• These were the most peaceful times in hell, being a place where torture is commonplace. Anthony was gonna offer advice to Waylon, but stuck to organizing dinners, thank god. Greed ended up getting expensive gifts, and Sloth assured Waylon to play it cool man. Why Sloth and not Lust? Waylon did not see eye to eye with Lust in terms of women. (Shiloh did try offering drugs to calm Waylon, but they did jackshit.)
Hemoria wasn't totally sure at first of Waylon. Sure, she respected him as her boss, but his opportunistic perspective, (i,e doing arms dealings with heaven,) made her hesitate. He said he got good cash out of it, but Hemoria always advised to not deal with them too much, and if it's get dicey, to gtfo. But her concerns somewhat lied in Pierce, who took loyalty very seriously.
One of these deals went awry, leading to two demons dying and Waylon did not get the cash. Hemoria was the one who reported to Pierce and assured him that Waylon just wanted to make money and give Pierce's army more strength. He may still have questioned Waylon and did a background check, but it's a lot better than being fired, or worse, killed.
Waylon was eternally grateful to a very pissed off Hemoria, who told him not to deal weapons and cash with heaven again.
In short, she thought he was kinda dumb, and he thought she was kinda cool.
But even with his opportunistic goof, she still said yes when he asked her out, surprising herself. And the rest is history.
Waylon got her the silver prosthetic arms when they married. (She had a a pair made by Pierce but she didn't like them as much.)
Their wedding anniversary is a good sized celebration to this day.
All that's left is the leader of Lust, and when that's done, I'll shift the focus a little to world building.
I'll also make a relationship chart when I'm done.

Situation: A friend had bed bugs and I did not see them in person for months. They did not treat the bed bugs becuase they are poor and in poor mental health.
He was evicted and his stuff was in the house when the landlords had it fumigated post evection. It was kind of a hoarders situation - I'd say %20 of a hoarders episode - more cluttered and dirty than filthy and Jenga like.
A few days later the landlord allowed him access to the house. I rented a van and stored some of his things in a storage area 30 feet form my house. I changed clothes after returning the van, then once again when I got home before entering my house and washed those clothes outside. No on ever never entered my house with any of the items or any clothing that was worn before washing it.
6 weeks later I pick my friend up and let me take stuff out of storage and into a suitcase. I naively thought 6 weeks post fumigation means the bugs are dead. After I drop him off he returns the suitcase and I have made sure that suitcase never enters my house, but I am wearing the same clothes.
A week later I took him to a birthday dinner in my car completely unworried about any bed bugs.
A few days ago he texts me "The bed bugs are at my new place now."
Now anytime I feel an itch I think it's a bed bug.
I don't see any bugs or any evidence of them in my house. I ordered Bed Bug Interceptors and I'll place them near my bed and the chair I sit on a lot and see if it traps any bugs.
What can I do to rule out bed bugs? Or do I just have to keep inspecting and "hope" I find some?
How long do I need to be paranoid for?