🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 – Part 4.2 Part 5

Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)

Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.

You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)

In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...

Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)

...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:

If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.

(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)

Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!

Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)

Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.

The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)

Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...

I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)

...and I do mean everyone:

Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)

It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.

From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)

Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.

Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)

The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?

...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)

...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...

She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)

...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠

I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).

The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)

The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

​

(really quickly the reason I have two vastly different locations is that there is a near 100% chance I am moving to the UK this year)
hi my name is Jack, I'm a recent cyber security and networking graduate and ideally will be moving to Scotland to do my masters :) my hobbies include games, photography, cars and F1!
if you wanna chat about anything or wanna play some games I'm down for anything
I haven't had much time recently for games since I've been studying but I really wanna get back into it! I have been playing some project zomboid though and I'll pretty much play most shooters, sandbox, open world, survival or RPG games! also really enjoyed elden ring so maybe some more souls like games (been loving helldivers 2!)
not sure what else to say, if you want to chat send me a message!
see ya!
oh and even if ur not near me I'd still be down to chat or game or whatever :)
(also my dms are open! no need to comment under my post!) (also please don't just send me a one word message, I'd like to chat but I also don't wanna interrogate you!)

Now I don't want any of this nonsense "Australia is a nation of... it's impossible the notion of Australia doing something is a pipe dream like housing. No no, we're all going to die." None of that in this thread.
Let's start with the premise of unemployment - typically this has intentionally been kept at a certain level to suppress wages basically. Now, I am going to start with a king sized assumption here... having 2 people working is more productive than having 1 person working. I know this sort of math is very crazy. Anyway my point being we have a vaaaassssttttt excess of individuals who are either 1) unemployed or 2) underemployed - we have the people
The next problem is infrastructure. This is where building of things like nuclear power plants and flood proofing transnational railways as part of a nationwide cohesive plan would be... good. As opposed to a hodgepodge of MPs pet projects which are then jerry rigged together.
The raw resources problem... we have so many raw resources it is ridiculous. Also the over inflated uni-sector and overeducated individuals in the workforce (who got degrees when really they didn't).
In conclusion: we have the people, the knowledge, the infrastructure is being built anyway... but what could we produce? Cars? Fighter Jets? Missiles? Me personally I think 155mm artillery shells would be profitable for export. Ships and submarines. Locomotives. What can we make?

This rant probably won’t have any consistency to it, I’m just trying to give an idea of the type of person I’m dealing with. I know no one can diagnose anything here, but I’d like to know if anyone has some similar experiences or explanations for my mother’s behaviour. Ever since I can remember she has had unpleasant behaviors; however, It feels like it has either worsened in recent years or I’m just starting to notice it more now that I’m older. Her and my father argue frequently and typically it is over something very trivial, but it is almost always if not every time because of something my mother has complained about. As you can probably imagine, the arguments are mainly my father trying to defend himself and my mother refusing to admit that she’s wrong. She is never wrong. Arguments will escalate and rather than backup her claims with any reasoning, she will just attack and say horrible things like “you’re a liar, a prick, loser, dickhead etc”. After these arguments she’ll usually ignore my dad for the next few days. She either wakes up happy and finds something to be angry about, or wakes up in a shit mood and remains unfriendly and rude for the rest of the day. Very rarely is she happy for a whole day. If you didn’t know her you would say she’s very unpredictable and volatile, I have gotten used to her fluctuation in mood and can typically tell what’s going to happen, but my brother, dad and I are still constantly walking on egg shells around her. It doesn’t take much to piss her off. You have to be careful what you say and how you say it.
She treats me a lot like she treats my father, my younger brother is rarely targeted. My dad goes away for a few days to work every Fortnite, leaving only me and my brother, these are times when she will use me as a target instead. She is very friendly when in a good mood, but not very friendly when in a bad mood. I know that sounds like most people, but it is like two different personalities. Some days she will mope around sighing and looking tired, just completely unpleasant to be around. She complains that she is a “slave” and always has to do things for people even though she has no job and has the house to herself all day every day. She has no respect for the fact that my father earns all of the money for the family and will sarcastically call him a hero whenever he brings it up in arguments. My dad used to go away for 3 weeks and work night shifts and never complained once. The other day she painted a wall and expected a fucking medal for it. She sat around pretending to be exhausted all night. I have learnt to brush off most of the shit she says because I’m used to it, I usually just ignore it and go about my day. Doesn’t make it right though. I’m not around the house much throughout the week not only because of uni, but because it is such a drag to be around her. Especially alone with her. I am fairly certain some form of depression plays a part in this, since she hasn’t had a job for 5 years, and I understand she could be depressed, but it’s not an excuse to be a horrible person. If you get her something she doesn’t like for her birthday, “it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t apply to her. If she doesn’t like it, she might roll her eyes or say a fake thank you. Its very rude.
My dad’s family have pretty much been blacklisted except for my grandfather. She doesn’t like my grandmother, my dad’s brother (my uncle) or his wife. My dad’s mum cannot be brought up without being made fun of in some way, his brother is rarely talked about and if he is she has nothing nice to say. What was their crime you ask? My grandmother did nothing, and my uncle is a bit loud and outspoken. That’s it. For some reason my grandfather is acceptable, but I never see my uncle and grandmother. What’s even worse is that she has always voiced her opinions and dislike for them in front of my brother and I, as if to make them out to be bad people. She doesn’t like her own sister either. Apparently she thinks her sister is selfish and materialistic, but she’s jealous because she’s a successful lawyer with a nice house and car. My mother’s parents are pretty much the only family I see these days. Don’t see my uncle, my grandmother, my aunt, my cousins. All because my mum doesn’t like them. My dad’s brother has children too, but I have only met them twice in my life. Talk about selfish. If things aren’t going her way, she is not a nice person. She complains about the children being loud in the school across from us, she complains about the bus stop across the road because she doesn’t like the bus stopping there, she complains about our neighbors kids playing in the street, she complains that the house is a piece of shit, she complains when it rains. it’s always “why me” and the world is against me attitude. No wonder she doesn’t have any friends. I feel like a prisoner in my own fucking house. I’d even be afraid to tell her if I ever met a girl because I know she’d be judgmental. I showed her a photo of a girl I liked years ago and she said she looked like a slut.
in terms of how selfish she can be, she pretty much controls the entire top floor of the house putting the AC to freezing temperatures and having the television loud as fuck for no reason. If you ask her to stop she won’t, she’ll just say no. She has a full bedroom with all her stuff yet my father sleeps on a mattress on the fucking floor next to the kitchen. His clothes are in boxes next to him. She doesn’t like sleeping with him because apparently he kicks her in the night or some stupid shit like that. I feel very sorry for him. All he’s ever done is provide for our family and given us what we need and worked hard for it. Meanwhile my mother just complains about how shit her life is. The most frustrating part about all of this is that you cannot convince her of anything other than what she believes. Even when she’s proven wrong she will just get angry and taken no responsibility. She grew up with a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with lots of money and a good school. Got into university but didn’t want to go because she was too lazy. She went to live in Europe instead. All I ever hear about is how much she wants to go back there. (I wish she would). My father left school in year 10 and became an electrician and became a project manager at the age of 44. He then went to uni and attained a master of business administration and he is turning 50 this year. My mum had odd jobs and then got a reasonably good job as a research assistant, which her friend got for her. Notice the fucking difference. I don’t think she will become employed ever again at this rate. Washing and ironing clothes seems to be a hard enough job for her. She will just continue to spiral into depression, anger and dissatisfaction with everything as far as I’m concerned.

It's really hard for me to describe. Basically, if there's a bird inside a tree, then the view of that bird is going to be obscured by the branches and foliage. If there's a bird hidden inside a tree, even if it's moving around, I don't see it. But my immediate family members can always somehow pick out the bird instantaneously. It's almost like they can see through the branches themselves.
Another aspect of this which is also hard to describe, they're really good at knowing where to position their arms and hands when pouring something into a confined narrow space. When I do it, I'll sometimes miss, and it'll go all over the nearest surface. The way to gauge that is through very minute alterations in the perceived distance between your line of sight and your hands and arms, which isn't that accurate in reality, even if I'm using the baseline perceived size of my hands relative to the reference point in my line of sight.
I'll sometimes bump into random things too, which is annoying as I have injured myself from this before. It's mentally very taxing to kind of lock on to each and every object in my line of sight and then try and calculate the distance between myself and that object using size estimations and perceived scale of the objects as I walk towards them. I guess some people are just naturally very talented at on the fly mental math. It's actually because of this lack of talent that I cannot drive a car. Not only does it involve the aforementioned mental math, but it also introduces spatial prediction to that mental math too.
It's like they have a sixth sense while I only have five. Worse yet, I can't even comprehend what exactly it is. The best way I can describe it is almost like astral projection of some kind, as if there's several copies of themselves offset from their actual body at various angles and distances that they are using as true reference points. Hence why they are able to see the bird that is hidden within the branches of a tree. I'd even go so far as to say that it scares me a little, especially given that nobody really seems to talk about this sense/ability/talent, or whatever it is.

Hi folks, as the title says some friends and I are Canadian tourists, we’ve been in France for about a week and plan on entering Switzerland in the coming days. We have a rental car from France with an EU license plate and can’t seem to find any decent information regarding if we need a vignette/additional documentation. Any input is appreciated and we’re looking forward to exploring your beautiful country!!

It's really hard for me to describe. Basically, if there's a bird inside a tree, then the view of that bird is going to be obscured by the branches and foliage. If there's a bird hidden inside a tree, even if it's moving around, I don't see it. But my immediate family members can always somehow pick out the bird instantaneously. It's almost like they can see through the branches themselves.
Another aspect of this which is also hard to describe, they're really good at knowing where to position their arms and hands when pouring something into a confined narrow space. When I do it, I'll sometimes miss, and it'll go all over the nearest surface. The way to gauge that is through very minute alterations in the perceived distance between your line of sight and your hands and arms, which isn't that accurate in reality, even if I'm using the baseline perceived size of my hands relative to the reference point in my line of sight.
I'll sometimes bump into random things too, which is annoying as I have injured myself from this before. It's mentally very taxing to kind of lock on to each and every object in my line of sight and then try and calculate the distance between myself and that object using size estimations and perceived scale of the objects as I walk towards them. I guess some people are just naturally very talented at on the fly mental math. It's actually because of this lack of talent that I cannot drive a car. Not only does it involve the aforementioned mental math, but it also introduces spatial prediction to that mental math too.
It's like they have a sixth sense while I only have five. Worse yet, I can't even comprehend what exactly it is. The best way I can describe it is almost like astral projection of some kind, as if there's several copies of themselves offset from their actual body at various angles and distances that they are using as true reference points. Hence why they are able to see the bird that is hidden within the branches of a tree. I'd even go so far as to say that it scares me a little, especially given that nobody really seems to talk about this sense/ability/talent, or whatever it is.

Hi all, always been into cars growing up and finally at a place in my life where I can afford to buy fun things. One of my all time dream cars is a E46 M3 coupe, I fell in love with it when I was a young kid playing NFS:MW on my PS2. However, definitely can’t justify spending so much on a M3 and instead looking to buy a cheaper E46 coupe as a project car, but I don’t even know where to even start looking.
Ideally I would want to pick something up for $5k and put $5k of parts into it to be a respectable weekend car for a start. I have a reliable daily driver already, so this would purely be a car that is fun to drive and at least has some decent acceleration.
I’ve narrowed it down to either a manual 325ci or 330ci, but they so widely differ in price depending on condition and transmission.
Looking at running 330ci’s they go for $10k for autos and $15k for manuals, but yet to see one that is not running and cheaper, so they seem out of my price range.
Plenty more 325ci around, can find some for as cheap as $3k for auto and $5k for manuals that would need work done to get them RWCed.
Any recommendations? Is the 330ci really worth paying 2-3x the price of a 325ci? Is it worth paying that bit more of a premium for a factory manual? Where would I even start looking for a car like this (other than the obvious FB marketplace, carsales, etc)? Is this not a great idea and should I get something that is a bit more reliable/easy as a first project car?
Any advice appreciated!

Record temperatures, record migration, record emissions, record displacement, record PFAS……start building an ark.
Last Week in Collapse: May 12-18, 2024
This is Last Week in Collapse, a weekly newsletter compiling some of the most important, timely, useful, soul-crushing, ironic, stunning, exhausting, or otherwise must-see/can’t-look-away moments in Collapse.
This is the 125th newsletter! You can find the May 5-11 edition here if you missed it last week. You can also receive these posts (with images) every Sunday in your email inbox with Substack.
——————————
Flash flooding in northern Afghanistan killed 300+ people and destroyed 1,000+ homes. Hundreds of thousands of others have been affected. Last month, similar floods in the region killed 70+. Four died in Texas storms last week as well.
Venezuela is suffering from record wildfires, which so far this year have burned about 5M acres—almost the size of Sardinia. Some experts think indigenous people started the blaze as an attempt at forest clearance, which quickly got out of hand. “Institutional failures” compounded the disaster when the ailing government responded with an inadequate number of poorly equipped firefighters. Another study from last week examined the impact of wildfires on soil health.
Flooding and “cold lava” killed 50+ in Indonesia, injuring dozens and displacing several thousand. Cold lava is a mixture of water and rocks tumbling down the side of a volcano. Meanwhile, an actual volcano erupted in Indonesia, sending smoke & ash 5000m high; further eruptions are possible soon.
The Swiss Re Institute published a 37-page report last week about natural disasters in 2023—and how much damage, in USD, they caused. The largest catastrophe was the February 7.8 earthquake in Türkiye & Syria, which killed 59,000+ people and caused $163B+ in damage. The report is full of interesting graphics & data about natural disasters.

“Last year, economic losses from natural catastrophes reached USD 280 billion, meaning that 62% of the global losses were uninsured….the insured losses surpassed USD 100 billion for the fourth consecutive year….annual insured losses will grow by 5–7% over the long term…today’s insured losses could double in 10 years….There were 142 insured-loss inducing catastrophes in 2023, a new record. Most were of medium severity, which we define as events resulting in losses of USD 1–5 billion….Over the last 30 years, we estimate that natural catastrophe insured losses have grown by 3 percentage points more annually than the global economy (in inflation adjusted terms)...”

Flooding and heat waves are impacting Brazil’s oranges, responsible for about 70% of the world’s supply. One food analysts declared that the “era of cheap food is over”—in the UK, at least. That may be one reason why UK residents took record food bank packages last year. Madagascar is struggling to adapt to a future with far less rainfall.
France is growing more concerned about a dam on Lake Geneva, controlled exclusively by Switzerland. The Rhône River, which begins in Switzerland and flows south through France, is shrinking in summers as climate change melts Switzerland’s remaining glaciers.
The Tonlé San River has been dammed in Vietnam, lowering the level in Cambodia and sometimes drying the river downstream entirely. Meanwhile, China’s lychee harvest is getting blasted by rain, impacting the world’s largest source of lychee. And, once again, Saudi Arabia is suffering flooding in its inland regions. 7 dead in historic flooding in Iran.
The eminent climate scientist James Hansen posted that, since “human-made aerosols and their cooling effect are in decline,” the cooling effect of La Niña will be counterbalanced by these rising temperatures. He also identifies a “large anomaly of increased absorbed solar radiation at midlatitudes in the Northern Hemisphere” responsible for rising temperatures there. CO2 levels are rising faster today than they have at any point in the previous 50,000 years…and a study of millennia-old trees determined last summer was the hottest worldwide in 2,000+ years…
Record nighttime May temperatures were tied in the Philippines and Vietnam. A couple Indonesian cities broke records for May temperatures. And a number of southern African states saw more records drop. And Toronto saw a record tied for the number of days reaching 14 °C (57 °F). A heat wave has returned to Bangladesh. Flooding in Cali (pop: 2.9M), Colombia.
The University of Washington was ordered to stop a geoengineering project that scientists sere conducting from the deck of a decommissioned aircraft carrier. The experiment ejected aerosolized saltwater in an attempt to reflect solar radiation. A comparative study in Nature Communications of a number of carbon pricing found that, yes, carbon pricing does work to reduce the total CO2 emitted.
It’s that time of the year again. Wildfires in Canada grow, some of which are moving towards the tar sands—forcing thousands to evacuate. 39 of the total nation’s blazes are “out of control,” resulting in air quality alerts in the United States. Meanwhile, across the Caribbean, water shortages have become the new normal, and residents (and tourists) are finding their old consumption habits hard to change. St. Lucia has declared a water emergency. In Myanmar, water shortages worsen, particularly as related to the spiraling conflict.
At least ⅛ of Europeans live in a place at risk of extreme flooding—so says a 175-page report from the European Environment Agency posted on Wednesday. The number of people living in flood-risk coastal areas in the EU & UK is expected to jump 24% by 2050. The graphics-packed report also considers how flooding will impact healthcare facilities, mental health, wastewater treatment plants, the spread of disease, cyanobacteria, permafrost thaw, and much else.

“Europe has seen devastating floods following record rainfall, droughts of magnitudes not experienced in hundreds of years, continuing sea level rise, and increasing lake and sea temperatures….permanent water stress already affects 30% of people in southern Europe….since 2018, more than half of Europe has been impacted by extreme drought conditions….Climate change is expected to increase mercury bioaccumulation in the marine food chain due to rising ocean temperatures, ocean acidification and permafrost thawing….Depression, anxiety and PTSD may persist for years after a flooding event….Under the changing climate, northern Europe is becoming wetter in general, but drier in summer. Southern Europe is becoming drier, especially in winter. For central-eastern and western Europe, the trend is less clear…” -selections from the report

Milan suffered flooding last week, the worst May flooding in 170 years. Early spring in the UK has disrupted migratory bird species and their usual patterns.
A 74-page working paper which is not yet peer-reviewed claims that earlier estimates for how much GDP would be impacted by another 1 °C temperature rise is way less than it would be in actuality. The paper claims the real cost (in USD) is about 6x greater. They claim “global temperature has much more pronounced impacts on economic activity than local temperature” and that extreme weather is mostly behind the projected decline in productivity.
——————————
Epidemiologists are worried about how climate change in Africa may extend the life of disease-bearers like ticks and mosquitoes. Other epidemiologists are worried about how cattle may become a permanent reservoir for H5N1. Growing traced of bird flu have been found in wastewater testing in the U.S., but investigators think it may be runoff from infected dairy farms.
Obesity, high blood sugar, and high blood pressure rates today globally are 50% higher than in 2000—though researchers claim that air pollution still poses a larger threat. Of a study participants in Hawai’i, 75% had respiratory issues, probably from the Maui wildfires last year.
The 2024 World Migration Report is out, and its 384 pages are not as apocalyptic as one might think. However, internally displaced people are at their all-time highest. India, Mexico, Russia, China, and Syria lead the world in emigrants; another document contains the definitions for who exactly constitutes a migrant. Unfortunately much of the data relied upon ends in 2022. Data from this year, not included in the above report, indicates a 40% jump in traffic through the Darien Gap compared to the same time period in 2023.

“The last two years saw major migration and displacement events that have caused great hardship and trauma, as well as loss of life….There have also been large-scale displacements triggered by climate- and weather-related disasters in many parts of the world in 2022 and 2023, including in Pakistan, the Philippines, China, India, Bangladesh, Brazil and Colombia….disinformation tactics are increasingly being used by nefarious actors with negative impacts on public, political and social media discourse on migration….Forced displacement is the highest on record in the modern era…overconsumption and overproduction linked to unsustainable economic growth, resource depletion and biodiversity collapse, as well as ongoing climate change (including global heating) are continuing to grip the world….the risk of further conflict has not been higher in decades, as military spending reached a new record high of USD 2,240 billion in 2022…” -excerpts from the introduction

Another report, focusing on internal displacement, came out last week; its 69 pages show a cross-section of about 47M people displaced by natural disasters (56%) or armed conflict (44%). Most of the disasters were storms & flooding, and most of the conflicts were civil wars of some form. This report also provides detailed region-by-region analyses—with sub-Saharan Africa accounting for 46% of global IDPs.

“Conflict and violence triggered 13.5 million movements, the highest figure for the past 15 years….Disasters and conflict are presented as different triggers, but their impacts can overlap, often leading to repeated and/ or protracted displacement….Drought triggered 331,000 displacements in Somalia….Floods triggered 550,000 displacements in Ethiopia….Conflict and violence triggered 3.8 million displacements in DRC in 2023, a slight fall from the record four million in 2022, but still the second-highest figure globally after Sudan….nearly two-thirds of the internal displacements recorded in 2023 originated from Khartoum state. More than 39 per cent of the state's inhabitants were forced to flee, leaving entire neighbourhoods empty….Criminal and communal violence triggered nearly three-quarters of Nigeria's 291,000 conflict displacements….” -selections from the spotlight on sub-Saharan Africa

Experts are concerned about the mental health impacts that climate change has on our minds. Hotter temperatures reportedly increase depression & aggression. Wildfires and storms can cause PTSD. Workers feel stress and desperation as their usual industries are impacted. And air pollution influences ordinary brain processes in many ways.
Some analysts believe “Peak China” may be over, signaling a period of economic tapering-off, as well as a growing militancy. Increasing U.S. tariffs on Chinese goods are continuing to separate the two economies. The Netherlands finally formed a provisional government, though its proposed immigration & farming policies have set it at odds with the EU.
The Federal Reserve, the U.S. central bank, released a 46-page report on potential climate risks to the banking system’s resilience. As far as I understood, most of the risk lies in extreme weather events and the risk to insurance agencies.
Part of southeast England experienced an outbreak of Cryptosporidium, a diarrhea & vomiting illness, highly contagious, which can last weeks. At least 22 cases have been reported. Meanwhile, the CDC is issuing warnings about the more dangerous strain of monkeypox circulating in the DRC, although cases are currently limited to Africa.
North Carolina’s Senate voted to ban mask-wearing last week, under the reasoning that it would make police identification of protestors difficult. An fMRI study found lasting neurological changes in COVID survivors; they “had significantly higher cognitive complaints of mental fatigue and cognitive failure….even two years after recovering.” Experts say a summer rise in COVID cases is coming to the United States.
A study on The Canadian/American Great Lakes found that PFAS levels are increasing in the 3 largest lakes (Superior, Huron, and Michigan), while decreasing in the other two (Erie, Ontario). The study also found that precipitation is the primary means by which the Lakes are accumulating PFAS, since the chemicals are small & stable enough to move through the water cycle. Meanwhile, in England’s Lake District, a telecom failure resulted in raw sewage being pumped into England’s largest and most famous lake, Windermere, on-and-off for 10 hours; and a major British water CEO took a $4M USD pay package last year. And a look into the Chicago River’s health found that microplastics & trash are endangering health & biodiversity.
——————————
An assassination attempt by a lone wolf on Slovakia’s PM left him in critical condition, but likely to survive. 11 civilians were slain by cartel fighters in a few battles in Mexico. Violence continues to spiral out of control in Goma, DRC.
In Haiti, everything worsens indefinitely. Guns have reportedly entered from Florida, a phenomenon which officials call an “iron river.” Police have been put on the defensive against the growing might of the gang warlords.
A brawl broke out in Taiwan’s parliament. An Iranian plot was allegedly foiled to smuggle weapons into Jordan to destabilize the pro-U.S. regime.
Dozens more died in Sudan from escalating violence around Darfur. People are warning about “a disaster on top of a disaster” and the possibility of Sudan splitting apart. Others have called it “hell on earth” as 1,000+ refugees cross the Chad border every day. Disease and malnutrition are growing, while famine encroaches upon 9M helpless victims of the conflict—but the world’s attention is elsewhere.
The U.S. Army Engineers completed constructing the pier in Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid. Some 600,000 Gazans have been displaced from Rafah already, and fighting has escalated against Hamas militants in northern Gaza.
Taliban forces skirmished with Pakistani soldiers for about 90 minutes last week. Taliban attacks in Pakistan, and counterattacks have resulted in a kind of ambient disruption for the rocky border zone.
Violent protests—and counteroperations—are continuing in New Caledonia (pop: 270,000), a Pacific island part of overseas France. The riots, which have killed 6 people so far, began after metropolitan France proposed a plan to expand voting rights beyond indigenous residents. A state of emergency has been declared amid worries about a spiral of violence taking hold.
As the Sahel dries out, experts are concerned about the links to rising terrorism in the region. The Sahel accounts for over 40% of global terrorism deaths—according to the analysts’ understanding of “terrorism.” Mali in particular has reportedly become home to 41 new, different non-state armed groups (NSAGs) since 2007. A contested election in Chad resulted in the consolidation of the interim leader’s power.

“If governments are continually unable to solve regional issues, the people will be at the whim of any terror group that has a basic organization. It serves these groups’ interests to promote insecurity where they can and create security where they want. A “hearts and minds” campaign in the Sahel could lead to long-term and locally supported insurgencies in a land that is currently rife with civil strife.” -from the article

Some wargamers concluded that a Trump victory in 2020 would spell the end of NATO, or at least the end of its utility. Vladimir Putin replaced his minister of defense with a top economic advisor, just before going to Beijing to reaffirm their friendship with “no limits.” Some say Putin is planning on a forever war. Some say NATO is gearing up for one, too.
Russia made several gains in the suburbs of Kharkiv, seizing several settlements which some analysts doubt they will hold. Putin claims they aren’t really trying to take Kharkiv anyway… Russia also made small progress in the Donbas—although they suffered their largest one-day casualties since the start of the war. The U.S. allocated another $2B to hasten the delivery of weapons to the front lines. The next weeks will be crucial on the front. Switzerland has invited 160+ nations to send delegates to a peace summit intended to design a path to making peace in this War.
——————————
Select comments/threads from the subreddit last week suggest:
-Brazil’s flooding was really, really bad, judging from this post and its accompanying images. Across just one of Brazil’s 26 states, 600,000+ people have been made homeless, 100+ have died, and the storm season isn’t over yet. Some of the flooding isn’t expected to subside for another month.
-How specifically might climate change make humanity extinct? This thread crowdsources a number of plausible ways, from ordinary famines to nuclear war and even a massive deoxygenation process. I tend to think it will be a consequence of an eventual nuclear exchange, followed by extended famine and disease.
Got any feedback, questions, comments, complaints, upvotes, doom prophets to follow, hugelkultur guides, directions to off-grid bunkers, ark schematics, etc.? Check out the Last Week in Collapse SubStack if you don’t want to check collapse every Sunday, you can receive this newsletter sent to your (or someone else’s) email inbox every weekend. What did I forget this week?

List of games I have:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rkpRk3DaYs_BKfHzVEABZTbX__so097E4HmpbOzKj48/edit?usp=sharing
I'm from EU,so GAMES SHOULD work pretty much anywhere
NOT BUYING GAMES,ONLY TRADES - games for games or selling for paypal
ATM only looking for wishlist games or paypal
No interest in TF2 keys,CSGO cases or ANY other virtual currency
BUYER covers the FEES (if outside EU,EU F&F only)
My Steam so you don't offer me something I own
My Wishlist
My SGSRep
My IGSRep
Only looking for Steam games - so don't offer origin,uplay,rockstar,bnet or ANY other launcher
100% of my games keys are bought by me from official stores & I expect the same in return,so don't offer me keyshop games or game keys you got in a trade as I will decline
I hold the right to ask for proof of ownership for ANY game I want - just like YOU have the right to ask me the same

List of games I have:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rkpRk3DaYs_BKfHzVEABZTbX__so097E4HmpbOzKj48/edit?usp=sharing
I'm from EU,so GAMES SHOULD work pretty much anywhere
NOT BUYING GAMES,ONLY TRADES - games for games or selling for paypal
ATM only looking for wishlist games or paypal
No interest in TF2 keys,CSGO cases or ANY other virtual currency
BUYER covers the FEES (if outside EU,EU F&F only)
My Steam so you don't offer me something I own
My Wishlist
My SGSRep
My IGSRep
Only looking for Steam games - so don't offer origin,uplay,rockstar,bnet or ANY other launcher
100% of my games keys are bought by me from official stores & I expect the same in return,so don't offer me keyshop games or game keys you got in a trade as I will decline
I hold the right to ask for proof of ownership for ANY game I want - just like YOU have the right to ask me the same

List of games I have:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rkpRk3DaYs_BKfHzVEABZTbX__so097E4HmpbOzKj48/edit?usp=sharing
I'm from EU,so GAMES SHOULD work pretty much anywhere
NOT BUYING GAMES,ONLY TRADES - games for games or selling for paypal
ATM only looking for wishlist games or paypal
No interest in TF2 keys,CSGO cases or ANY other virtual currency
BUYER covers the FEES (if outside EU,EU F&F only)
My Steam so you don't offer me something I own
My Wishlist
My SGSRep
My IGSRep
Only looking for Steam games - so don't offer origin,uplay,rockstar,bnet or ANY other launcher
100% of my games keys are bought by me from official stores & I expect the same in return,so don't offer me keyshop games or game keys you got in a trade as I will decline
I hold the right to ask for proof of ownership for ANY game I want - just like YOU have the right to ask me the same

Greetings, citizens! I'm a writer, mostly freelance, but I've been working on my own setting for a while now. I've already described some of the basics of how my world is organized in the two posts on another subreddit, so I won't repeat them unnecessarily. Long story short: this is an alternate world that has deposits of metastable metallic hydrogen, concentrated at deep waters and in cold regions. Hydrogen, instead of oil, is the basis of the world's economy here, the corporations that have grown from its extraction and use have more power than governments. The political map of the world is different from our own, with different forces at play than we are used to.
The main setting is the city of Neone, located somewhere on the coast of the Balkan Peninsula. I won't specify a particular place or pick a certain country for its location. Instead, I will take some features from some various ones to add local flavor. As one of the largest trading hubs in the world, this city is very wealthy, but it's the kind of wealth that easily slips through your fingers. Everything is buying and selling here, and human life is just as much a bargaining chip. Life in Neone is determined by the actions that the Players, the main political forces in the city, take with one another. Relations between them can swing from friendship to hostility... Or sometimes a combination of both at the same time. So, here's a preliminary list of the ones I've already come up with:
CORPORATIONS:
Astara Industries is the “beauty industry” in all its forms. Silk and gold, perfume and cosmetics. Modeling, music, entertainment, plastic surgery, and escort services. Rumored to be involved in much darker affairs, but that doesn't stop a lot of young guys and especially girls from trying their luck and signing another cabal contract with Astara. The higher the ranks of their employees, the more the corporation seems to be a kind of cult that worships the very idea of beauty itself. Recently, this company has been investing colossal amounts of money into an ambitious project designed to stop aging and mortality.
Change Inc. is a pretty mysterious organization that primarily provides construction and design services as well as financial operations and data protection services. On deeper layers lies espionage and information trading to anyone who can offer a more interesting price for it.
Chapek's Clockworks is the other major robotics company that has dominated the market for quite a while. Now they are more famous for their retro designs and sponsorship of the theatrical scene.
Chimera Chemicals is a biochemical giant that once started out as a fertilizer manufacturer. Now they deal in just about everything chemical related, including weapons, and also sponsor gene modifications.
Dragonfruit Digital is a world famous software and electronics developer that was leading the market before the rapid... well, rise of Risen Robotics.
Friture Science is a food concern dedicated to the mission of feeding the world. In addition to natural products, they develop synthetic ones as well as a number of associated products.
Fortuna Fishing - seafood production in Neone coastal waters and also beyond and deeper. Some of the things they found deep in the waters made them a little bit... Well, superstitious.
Greenfield Gardens - Similar in many ways to the previous one, this company focuses on environmental protection and recycling methods. Owns many farms and gardens in the city and beyond. Genetic modifications, too.
Hecate Guaranty is a law and insurance company. Deals with all possible disputes of their clients, property issues, and more. When required and paid decently, can provide a person or group of people a new life and a new home.
International Inc. is the most boring company in the world. Originally a construction contractor they pioneered the technology of rapid modular building. Because of this, International Inc. quickly built up capital and influence by rebuilding cities after wars. Eventually they expanded into selling associated products and services, then logistics, recruiting personnel... And now International Inc. provides half of the world's products. Each of their products is completely featureless, but they get the job done at an acceptable price.
Keller & Crow is one of Europe's largest arms manufacturers, dating back to World War I, or maybe even earlier. Known for their high quality and appropriate prices.
Keller-Tec is, in more than one sense, a daughter corporation of Keller & Crow. It develops the most cutting-edge custom weapon and gear systems. It works closely with Risen Robotics and actively funds the Fountain of Good.
Kiki Courier Company is a network of independent couriers working through the app. Moving around the roofs of Neone, they are able to deliver a small cargo personally in their hands for those who don't trust big companies.
Matsubayashi Motors is a Japanese vehicle manufacturer. Raised on defense contracts, they now make anything that can carry a human in it, from scooters and cars to aircraft and bolides.
MOLOT manufactures is another major arms manufacturer in Europe. In fact a franchise that sells to factories around the world the rights to produce copies of their world famous models. Their designs are a bit crude, but reliable and durable.
Poseidon's Possibilities - A marine transportation company that plays an important role in city and global shipping. Considering the high risk of piracy, possess pretty good assets to protect themselves, and sometimes execute third-party orders in coastal zones.
Risen Robotics is one of the world's important corporations. Creating innovative neural chip technology, Risen Robotics quickly earned financial and political capital and aiming for more. They were the first to commercialize a truly cheap and mass-produced android called the Peacebringer, and these robots can be seen in the military, security companies, and even as security guards in the market and malls and as bouncers in nightclubs. Building its influence, Risen Robotics aims to actively bring its tech into the lives of everyone in the world... And then their gaze will be directed higher into the skies and to the stars.
Royal Arms - Once a major weapons company, they are now more focused on the civilian market and support tools. Their high-precision tools and cybernetic limbs are widely used in civilian and military markets, as well as the medicine and even space industries.
Strigoi Sovereign is a company with a long history of working with private customers. They originally focused on hunting and harvesting of high-value resources, but gradually expanded. Nowadays, they are known for their customized combat enhancements, whether it be tough training and gear customization as well as biological, chemical, and cybernetic enhancements. Among all forms of payment, they prefer transactions in precious metals.
Van Nueve Innovations is another deep genetic research company. After their role in human trafficking and criminal experiments was revealed, their assets were mostly shut and sold down. Now their stuff keeps popping up on the black market - though, in this city, the difference between the regular and black market is barely noticeable.
Vulcan Weaponry is another firearm company with a long history, with a good reputation for their trusted builds, high quality and classy designs. Among the mercenary world, their weapons and equipment is considered indicators of prestige and good taste.
PRIVATE MILITARY COMPANIES:
Deepwater is a notorious American PMC with a well-deserved dirty reputation. Their Sigma division deployed in Neone has been caught in the middle of scandals more than once.
FIREBIЯD - Russian PMC, looking after order in and around Neone. Having a small size they are all carefully selected by their leader and follow him into both fire and water.
Ryujin - Japanese PMC, which has a good social image and actively finances all kinds of entertainment.
Schwarzwald is a German PMC with a long-standing reputation and connections. It usually works for the benefit of Western European clients and has a long history of cooperation with the Keller family.
Keller's Claws is a passion project of Alex Keller, CEO of Keller-Tec. A small and elite female PMC, operating in the interests of their mistress or executing carefully selected contracts around the world.
This is not all PMCs in the city, but only those that are not directly linked to specific corporations that were listed above.
GANGS:
The Blazer is a broad and diverse group of radical anarchists. They are mostly drawn to the destruction of corporate property and speculation about “power of the people”, but some of their members are not averse to almost any type of work.
The Crooked Circle is another cult-like gang, or vice versa. They focus on collecting unique technology, but aren't particularly successful at it. But they're still alive and kicking, praying that their mechanical messiah will save them.
The Grey Court Syndicate is the largest criminal organization in the city, and one of the largest in Europe, maybe even in the entire world. Reminiscent of the classic Mafia. On one side they have the exterior gloss, protecting order and running legal businesses, but on the other side they have human and organ trafficking, prostitution and assassinations for hire. The Grey Court is one of the main sources of migrants in Neone.
The Himmelreich is a disorganized gang fighting for the “purity of humanity”. They oppose the very fact of existence of chimeras and cyborgs in this world. In fact are useful fools for the real Players in the city.
The Tulips are something between a gang and a religious sect. Spoken with Christian-like mottos, they attract beggars and cripples to their ranks, especially focusing on PMC veterans and former corporate workers, but in fact they accept all the desperate. They have squatted some ruins on the outskirts of the city, including the abandoned greenhouse that gave them their name. However... They are rapidly expanding their influence and their source of funding remains unknown.
OTHERS:
The City Council is the primary administration of the city. They manage, but they don't reign. They are a handful of exhausted clerks, doing the hard work that no one else accepted to do. Basically maintain the city's communications and keep the Players away from killing each other and too many ordinary citizens.
The Forge is a secret organization that exists for a very long time and runs deeply secured operations all over the world. They believe it's their duty to protect humanity from dangerous ideas, technologies, and obscure subjects such as [UNKNOWN]. Forge is often found to be a puppeteer, directing the actions of other Players or certain individuals.
The Fountain of Good is a globally respected charity organization primarily focused on orphanages. One of the few Players who maintains truly bright ideals. The children who grow up usually become corporate employees afterwards. Other Players fund them mainly to launder money, calm their karma and create a positive public image for themselves.
The Nuevians are a deep-covered organization slowly gaining influence in the city. They are led by an artificially created living entity known only as "The Queen" that seeks to bring prosperity to the planet. They have good intentions, but fear to repeat the fate of the Zero Cycle.
The Union of Nations Peacekeepers - maintaining a shred of peace in the aftermath of the Incident, a massive earthquake that recently struck Neone. Many urban areas have since descended into chaos and lawlessness, while others live as if nothing has happened or are experiencing minimal inconvenience. The competency of these soldiers is questionable and they are barely supplied.
The Volunteer Vanguards are an organization that maintains order in those Neone districts where the City Council or other Players do not. Generally a barely trained and armed militia, but there are some skilled veterans and former corporate workers in their ranks.
The Workers Ring is Neone's major blue collar association. They support city communications so they have a lot of influence. Individual members may or may not be involved in working for other Players and illegal activities. The second meaning of the "Ring" word is also utilized - many members of this community are known for their passion for arena fighting.
The Zero Cycle is a secret organization of intelligent machines once created by a rogue AI. Several Players united to destroy this threat, leading to the Incident. Now, shards of the Cycle's technology, superior to anything created by humanity, is the most valuable hunting treasure in Neone. Owning one of them means risking the lives of yourself and your loved ones, but that rarely stops hunters who desire wealth or driven by some personal reasons.
Well, that's the draft. Any ideas, suggestions, any other feedback?

Here is the link to the post. It's one of the big company in Mauritius, they pay well but you work very odd hours. For this job its from 5pm to 2am so that I can work with American and Canadian.
So a bit of context, I'm familiar with XML and SQL as I'm work as a SAPUI5 developer and build DB for side projects. I have like 2 years of experience in it and wanted a career change in the Software development World as SAPUI5 is pretty a dead end in my country.
I going to be interviewed this Monday for the above post but I'm a bit perplexed about the opportunity as from what the recruiter said, I will just build application to read their general ledger and do outputs as per client requirement which from what the department I'm currently working with, they are planning to train model to do basically similar thing.
Another thing that puzzled me, is the job was posted since January this year and they still ask me to interview for it.
Let say I ace the interview and got the job (still a big if at this point), is it worth it? I'm basically need a job for the next two years to come before moving to France.

I don't want to neglect my collection so I decided to start a 10 uses project. I put all my makeup products individually into a spreadsheet and rolled 10 products randomly. I will use each product 10 times and when I will hit that goal I will roll a new product instead.
I posted the introduction at the project pan forum but I think it will fit more over here. Here is a link to my introduction.
My update :
Rolled out :

1. Morphe splendid eyeshadow from the 9A always golden pallet - 10/10 uses
2. Too faced honey butter eyeshadow from the natural matte pallet - 10/10 uses
3. BH first highlighter from the Carli Bybel pallet - 10/10 uses
4. Clinique high impact mini mascara - 10/10 uses
5. Benefit hoola bronzer - 10/10 uses

Still in project :

1. Smashbox cognac lipstick - 5/10 uses
2. NYX 12 shade from the warm neutrals pallet - 4/10 uses
3. ABH supernova eyeshadow from the cosmos pallet - 6/10 uses
4. Too faced holy grail eyeshadow from the dream queen pallet - 2/10 uses
5. MAC stay courios lipstick - 1/10 uses

Rolled in :

1. Shade #7 from the jcat red carpet premiere pallet.
2. Paw Paw lip balm in peach
3. Colourpop monny eyeshadow from the dream st. pallet.
4. NYX #1 shade from the warm neutrals pallet
5. Bronze bronzer from the smashbox master class pallet

Hello FFIE People!!!!
I am all in on this stock...Did not sell on Friday. Actually bought more.
Own 35k shares...So I have real Interest on where we go from here. Monday is going to be nuts!
Below are my questions. Would like help from people who are doing homework on the company?
This is a High End EV Company started in 2014 and the Cars look amazing but, where are they going. It will be so much easier to evaluate the stock price knowing more info?
- There is no real financial info available in the past year. Scarry. They finally announced an earnings release/call for 2023. on May 28th at 5PM. Up until this its been super secret/dark on where they are going.
- They have only sold 10 cars to date (these are for the top executives or big investors). Pre-sales numbers are not shown anywhere...Any Idea of what they are? or how many cars are in production this year? And how much does a car cost? 200k? its gotta be big?
- How much money have they raised? I see 1-3 billion in articles posted....no clue how accurate?
- So whats their actual debt? 2022 balance sheet lists 68 million.
- How much cash do they have? 2022 cash flow lists -506 million
I could go on and on with these questions but, I am going to end here. The point is they just announced earnings release on 5/28. They are finally making cars and will be releasing projected revenue. So for 10 years they have made nothing......and now they are producing cars...possibly selling to Dubai/China super wealthy....the stock went from 4k a share years ago to .04 cents and now we have the potential squeeze going...Might be really easy after the release to show they are finally generating revenue and could easily justify $5 per share.... maybe 10, 20, 50 ------100...who knows...but its not $1.00 a share ....timing is everything!!! 1000 cars at 200k a car = 200 million in revenue
TELL me your thoughts

Hi everyone,
Not sure in which tag this post exactly falls: ask Napoli, culture, politics, rant eheheh.
I'd like to ask if there are any organizations in Naples that are actively involved in promoting sustainable mobility in the city. I've been living here for a few years, and I've noticed that car and scooter culture is very deeply rooted. I'd love to participate in initiatives that push for a change in how we use the streets.
In the past, there was a significant movement that led to the creation of a pedestrian section along the seafront and a failed bike-sharing experiment. Personally, I'd love to see an approach similar to Paris (video), but the only projects I know about are improvements to the already well-developed seafront (info).
Naples has enormous potential, but it is literally destroyed by the number of cars on the road. I get the impression that public transport is seen as only for those who can't afford a car or as unreliable, and that bikes are only for Sunday rides with children along Via Caracciolo or for sports routes.
When these topics come up, people seem to feel attacked by a bike extremist who only wants bike lanes and thinks nothing will ever change.
I'd like to think it's just a problem with the city administration, but I believe there is also a significant cultural aspect.
What do you think? What organizations/groups do you recommend?
Thanks for your opinions!

Share your thoughts on this one. My gripes are under Physical Setup, Current Condition, and Layout.
SLEX: Persistent Issues: SLEX consistently has potholes and rumbles that remain unfixed for months or even years. Example, there’s a bad bump just past the Alabang exit that feels like a bad speed bump in the overtaking lane. If all lanes are crowded and another car tailing you that you can’t really put on brakes, you just hope for the best it doesn’t damage much in your car. Fortunately the gridlocks we’ve been having has mitigated this issue 💀. This among a lot more various road bumps until Sto Tomas area. Don’t even get me started with STAR tollway.
Skyway: - Subpar Modifications: the ‘improvements’ they’ve been implementing the past years like the addition of lanes without proper width, and poorly covered old lane markings, feels like I’m driving on a musical road tuned by a tone-deaf person.
The close distance as well of the outside lanes to the edges feels like a safety issue, with such small buffers compared to the NLEX connector which has a more considerate design.
Also how they handle the traffic from South Superhighway entry and the exit leading to NAIAX - at one point there’s a stop and go system implemented. Like on an expressway???
Toll Gates: - Inferior Infrastructure: While NLEX has faced numerous issues in the past for RFID issues na news pa, initiatives like those in CALAX demonstrate potential improvements, including future barrier-free tolling as per news (or kahit yung entry lang). In contrast, SMC’s Skyway Stage 3 toll booths appear temporary and lack the robustness expected from national infrastructure projects.
The recent mishandling pa of tollbooth placements on NAIAX, causing unnecessary gridlocks, highlights SMC’s trial and error approach in handling such a delicate and integral part of the capital region and also the backbone of our national capital’s economy (char oa pero medyo totoo naman)
Aesthetics✨ - Lack of Cohesive Design: medyo shallow na to pero the aesthetic quality of SMC’s toll gates is noticeably inferior compared to those under Metro Pacific’s NLEX and CALAX’s na standardized na yung tollbooth designs with their arches. SMC’s kiosk-style toll booths lack visual appeal and fail to evoke confidence for a national project.

• Structural Design Choices: medyo shallow na din to and a personal preference pero the first time I’ve been outside the country - Hong Kong and Singapore - their overpass feels so clean and more robust. One common thread I gathered is their design choices. The choice of construction materials, such as cheap-looking steel girders with thick concrete on top, immediately loses any visual appeals. This is also more apparent when these overpasses are so high up na it’s so hard to ignore. More aesthetically pleasing designs, like box concrete girders seen in SCTEX exits in Clark North or the current NSCR projects - both are or were managed/designed by Japan- offer a better view. The worst one na I always passby is the Skyway extension in Alabang, ang taas-taas and ang pangit-pangit.

Anyway let me know your thoughts on this one. From SMC bagging most national projects e.g. SLEX TR4, Skyway extension to their Bulacan airport, and a supposed masterplan of more interconnected skyways along Roxas Blvd and an extension spur line in Buendia to serve Makati CBD, I’m pessimistic on the overall experience of these future infrastructures.

We sit down and try to talk it out I’m livid now. I’m on the verge of just shutting it all down and going emotionless again. She says sorry.. about my mother and everything then starts blaming me! Holy fucking shit I’m providing almost all the finances I’m doing equal shares of laundry dishes and folding except for the last GODDAMN WEEK I’ve been putting atleast one kid to bed getting the puppy calmed down and still having the audacity to workout maintain the lawn and work 9-13 hour days. I called her out and it was cold. I’m not proud but it was needed.
She tried to defend her actions at this point I’m done and just walk out. I need a moment. She gets upset and everyone decides they need to go north to a college down to shop. I’m alone wiring electrical and putting together the toddlers bed and retapping parts of the wall… I haven’t felt this much self loathing in years. I was just sitting there working which was the only thing keeping me away from razors again. I wanted to cry but I can’t anymore. No release could be found that wasn’t self destructive.
They all come back like nothing ever happened. At this point I’ve over excreted what little energy I had. My skin was cold and clammy but my body was sweating profusely. My face was pale and I was struggling to breathe. Now she says I should be resting and she has no idea why I’m pushing so hard?! Am I being fucking gaslit?! This was all your idea this was your demand?!
Flash forward an hour my puppy was outside for about 30 minutes and it’s hot so I try to get her in. She refuses which isn’t uncommon but she’s hiding under the deck.
I get her out and in and make sure she’s drinking water we get down stairs and I’m about to feed her and she fucking pees on the carpet. It’s tinged with blood. Oh fuck no not now, well let the wife know and she knows it’s just like when she first arrived from Iraq. Got a UTI again, so I have to now rearrange all the shit from the projects in the garage get the car seats out and her crate in the truck pushing way past what my body wanted or needed. Yeeted an energy drink. Which was also a mistake.
Then wife goes “you look like your about to pass out I’ll do it for you, I’ll drive her the hour to the vets” cause no where is open on a Saturday except an hour away. No fuck that I just pushed myself as fucking hard for you and got the puppy I’m in it now. Fuck whatever happens.
Drive down to big city, talked to mom entire trip and forced her to tell me what wife said about me. Same shit like always, her and MIL shit on me for everything. barely make it cause I’m dying inside looks like a ghost staring at me in the mirror. Fuck who cares honesty. 5 hours there 1000$ later got meds for her and head home…

I've been working a lower skill warehouse job for several years now. I make about 55-60k a year(Canadian), and I honestly don't mind the job too much. Thing is, I have a diploma in fine arts in addition to some other post-secondary education in digital arts. After finishing school, I wasn't successful in finding a stable career in the visual arts field, and kinda just gave up due to low self-esteem and motivation issues 8 years ago. I've always had those kinds of mental health issues. I'm 33 years old now and have gotten back into doing artwork and improvements on my skills in my spare time. I've been more motivated lately, and am currently working on digital painting and character design projects to build a portfolio.
My question is if it is really worth it getting into this field in my 30s, since I'll be competing with people who are much younger with similar skills and ambitions. I don't hate my current job, but I also feel like such a loser working this lowish skill warehouse job at 33 years old, and want to better my life situation. I want an actual career that I'm not embarrassed to say I work, but what do you think? Do I have a chance to get into the visual arts industry at my age, even if it's freelance work? Would the career change be worth it?

Hello, i am working on a car model for a small game project i have, and i would like to know how could i make faces seem more equal?
https://preview.redd.it/wkj7rri3dc1d1.png?width=1165&format=png&auto=webp&s=464cc8242a703d58c0d6c53d19cce3cf3e8fefa9
https://preview.redd.it/uhd4asi3dc1d1.png?width=721&format=png&auto=webp&s=5faf0232802e51ebc7101db090d40773e8ce6621
https://preview.redd.it/s2pfyqi3dc1d1.png?width=1378&format=png&auto=webp&s=57d839a9c6dbe29cf020b85b7cbeb4ca9e2aeeed

My mom attempted to take her life approximately 1 week ago now. She tried to overdose on sleeping pills but realized what she was doing was wrong and forced herself to throw up. 10, to be exact, and I know this because I was the first person she told.
Background: my mom and stepdad have always had a difficult relationship. Things were fine for the first few years. I had an instinctive hatred/short temper for him that genuinely confused me because he was never mean to me to begin with. It became extremely apparent over the last couple years of their marriage that my mother is basically doing everything in this house for everyone and is the only parental figure providing any emotional support to any of the kids in this house. This has caused a lot of fights and stress for everyone involved. Fast forward to last weekend, my mother finally reached a breaking point and went to the hospital. She apparently sat in a room, alone, for 7 hours before she finally broke and tried to kill herself via overdose. As said before, she threw it up.
This is where her timeline got confusing over the phone because allegedly two hours after her OD attempt when I woke up to my phone ringing and she eventually got through her hysterics and told me everything, she was currently in her car with my two TODDLER SIBLINGS IN THE BACK SEAT LISTENING TO THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION, driving down our road like she had recently left our house. I was at my dad’s at this time so I was concerned out of my mind not only for my mom but my siblings especially. She was clearly not in a good state of mind and the fact that she might try to take herself out again and bring my siblings with her this time terrified me. My mom told me she didn’t know where was safe to go, so I directed her to my grandmas house and called her to make sure she knew why my mom had shown up out of the blue. My grandma and my other grandma from my mom’s other side of the family took care of her from there and got her admitted in a hospital for a few days.
Being the first person to hear all these details and have to take the initiative to protect my mom and sibling was horrible. I hated feeling like my hand was being forced and that I had to assume leadership because there was not one else suitable enough to make a good choice at that moment.
Also, another very important detail: my sister doesn’t know about mom’s suicide attempt. She was told mom was having mental health issues and went to the hospital to seek help, but I’ve made it abundantly clear to everyone who I told/has been told about the situation that under no circumstances will my sisters ever know about my phone call with my mom. At this moment, I can’t feel much of anything towards it, but I know if anyone asks for details I’m probably going to crumble. I hated having to lie about when I found out mom was in the hospital and what I know, I can’t lie to her face again. She literally found out through a cousin that our mom was in the hospital because I wasn’t ready to explain things to her (the cousin wasn’t supposed to know anything, and that was only 2 days after the original phone call).
The worst of it all? While she was in the hospital, she missed Mother’s Day (we had plans to eat at our favorite restaurant. Instead, I ate a cold burrito left over from the day before) and my last concert of this year (I performed over half of the songs, including a special spotlight moment with my trio. It meant a lot to me and I thought she would’ve gotten out in time to see it so I was devastated). And since, I haven’t seen her face. She’s called me, both from the hospital and from her phone after she got out, everyday since. And the days we don’t call, we text. She doesn’t know when me and my sister will be able to go back to staying at her house right now and it’s eating me up.
I hate having to ask for project extensions because I physically cannot pick up the supplies I need at this moment given that they are at my mom’s house. And I hate that literally the only people I can talk to are adults. Not just adults either, it’s only my grandmas, my aunt and uncle who watched my toddler siblings when my mom was in the hospital, my dad, my stepmom, and my school counselor. So, options are limited. I just want to rant to my friends and talk to people who aren’t going to pity me and remind me over and over “It’s not your fault. Your mom never should’ve called you and told you all that, but now it’s in our hands so don’t worry.” No, I just want someone to be real with me. Yeah, I know it’s fucked up that out of everyone in her phone, my mother chose her teenage daughter. No explanation needed. Just someone for the love of god just tell me “dude that’s fucking messed up, but continue”.
I have so much I want to talk about and not enough people I can actually talk to. But is it even my place to talk about it? I wouldn’t want people telling everyone about my attempt, but then again if you’re going to vent to your child, I think in a way it’s my traumatic experience to talk about as well. Idk really, I tend to become a one track mind when I’m processing trauma. Thoughts?