Very long post so I apologize, I just want to establish the timeline to give as much information as I can.
I’m looking for some alternate opinions and ideas.
Rottweiler, nearly 5 years old, 90~ pounds, active and in shape.
April 17/18, she was bit on her face by a snake while on a hike (there’s three kinds of venomous snakes in my area), presumably a copperhead as I did not see or hear a rattle, and I only saw that it was brown (the other venomous species is black). My other two dogs were there, and the first priority was to get all of them away, and assess the situation more.
She was very clearly in pain, so she was rushed to the emergency vet. She was given anti venom, an overnight stay, and returned home the next day. For the next week, she was given painkillers three times a day, some antibiotics, all of which she finished. She returned to normal and was back swimming in the pool and running around.
May 8th I notice her panting a lot, wanting outside and not acting like herself. Upon physically examining her, she had what is best described as a soft but large lump on her neck. I decided to take her to her normal vet.
I told him that she had just recently (a couple weeks ago) been bitten by a snake, and after shaving and examining the lump, he suspected she was bit again as there was certainly a puncture wound. He asked permission to give her a dose of anti venom, and I asked if there are risks involved if it wasn’t a snake bite, or if she didn’t need it, would there be any complications. He assured me there would not be, they’ll administer it, monitor her, and keep her overnight so I gave the okay and went home with her in their care.
He called back a couple hours later, well after closing and he said that I should come back to the vet. She had apparently went into anaphylactic shock and had a stroke after receiving the anti venom. He said that it was a very rare case, as when you give dogs anti venom and monitor them, if certain levels start to rise you just stop giving it to them and the effects reverse before they reach dangerous levels. She apparently had the reaction immediately. I transferred her to an overnight vet which was an experience in itself, as carrying her to my vehicle was not pleasant.. she had no control over her bowls and had a poop/blood mixture coming out of her almost constantly. The overnight vet took her in, I picked her up in the morning to go back to the regular vet per their request. She was obviously very disoriented because of the medications she was on (or, her reaction too) so she had to be carried to/from and her mood was very “dull”.
She stays overnight again, and on Friday I think it’s all good to pick her up. The vet asks to keep her again over the weekend this time, free of charge, to continue to monitor her and make sure she’s getting her fluids.
Today, may 13th I get the go ahead to pick her up. The vet says he’s covering her entire visit which is of course nice.. she’s eating and drinking fine, but she’s having difficulty walking. Instead of her paws going flat and walking, her paws buckle forward (imagine trying to walk on the back of your hand rather than your palm) causing her to stumble.
She was carried into my vehicle and we went home. I lifted her out of the vehicle and set her down, and difficulty walking was certainly an understatement. She maybe took one step before I carried her inside and put her in a closed off living room.
Another thing I would like to note: I gave her a little bit of water in a bowl, and she would lick it maybe once and do something that I’m probably going to have difficulty describing.. imagine you have a popcorn kernel stuck on the back of your tongue and you kind of.. try to rub the back of your tongue against the roof of your mouth to dislodge it. Something stuck in the back of your mouth and you’re trying to remove it without coughing / hands etc. she does that, but quite dramatically. Puts her head down and uses her paw to rub her face while doing the tongue thing. Seemingly no problem eating though - I got her some fresh raw food rather than her kibble and she ate it without issue. She stood up to eat (after I adjusted her paw) and ate it all.
I’ve done a lot in trying to snake proof my back yard, though the area is large. I’ve went out with my dogs every time they’ve been out since and will continue to do so.
So now, my questions:
How long should I wait to try any physical therapy for her, or is that even recommended? If so, what kind of PT? My idea was to put her harness on and kind of lift her up a little and try to get her to walk
The water thing, any thoughts or just give it some time?
Any specific supplements, foods etc she should be having?
Was this a result of negligence on all parts, or just a freak reaction?
Open to any other advice, very much appreciated too. Thank you.

https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bykm11/anaia/
https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bxzqi4/siste
About a month ago, I posted two separate posts on this subreddit about my younger sister, Anaia, who passed away on March 17th, 2024. In one post I gave photos, and in the other I wrote about her addiction, but I don't think I've really talked about myself.
It has been nearly two months since my little sister passed away, and I wouldn't describe it as grueling or depressing, just unusual. On April 22nd, it was confirmed to my family that Anaia died as a result of fentanyl toxicity, which was the reason I always assumed but to have it confirmed was very depressing. Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house and there were a few copies of Anaia's death certificate, in the onset interval to death section, I said minutes. When talking to my mother (me and my parents talk all the time, my dad sits in my room and plays games while we talk about Anaia or something random, and me and my mother will talk about random things as well as Anaia too.), she told me her perspective of that morning. Long story short, around 11:45AM, I woke up to my mother screaming my sister's name and she soon realized she was unresponsive, me and my father woke up soon after and I called 911, and that's the short version. I assumed my sister was in her covers sleeping and fentanyl overrid her system, but no, my mom told me that when she walked into Anaia's room, she was laid flat out on top of all of her covers, arms outstretched to the side. Learning that was a major shock to me, and I'll explain why.
Sure, Anaia's death was nearly instant. But hearing the details of what my mom said really drove him that once it happened, it didn't matter whether we went into there at the right time or later, there was likely nothing that could've been done. From my understanding, it was almost as if she was up one second and collapsed the next. There was dried vomit on clothes next to her bed, making me assume that after vomiting, she just collapsed instantly after and died. After calling 911, my mother demanded out of fear for me to help her perform CPR, and I didn't hesitate to do so. But, anyone in that situation could tell, with no details given, that there was nothing that could've been done. The typical signs of a deceased body were very present, and even I (doing the mouth resuscitation) knew that if I felt no air coming back onto me, and touching her neck didn't give a pulse, I quickly understood that this was it, like there was nothing me or my parents could've done. When the paramedics arrived at 12 exactly, it took them a minute or two for them to tell us that there was nothing to be done, and ultimately, Anaia had died long, long before we got to her. They said roughly 6-8 hours, meaning at the earliest 3am, and at the latest 5am. It's a disheartening fact for him, and even my father expressed to me too a few nights ago, but we wished that at least there was a chance for us to get to her beforehand. Maybe if he and I or my mom went into her room for no real reason in the middle of the night, we would've been able to save her. What really struck me when my dad was telling me that was him acknowledging that while he and my mom were watching TV, he couldn't bare to imagine that simultaneously Anaia was dying. I felt the same way, I was awake around 3-3:30AM, and if she died during that time, I was totally unaware scrolling through my phone.
I wish that there was something to be done. During her time alive, and when she started doing street dealt percocets, I warned her about fentanyl, and ultimately I wish she had heeded my warning and stayed off them when she did quit in December. I'm a sociable person, and I'm one of those people that have a wide different variety of groups and friends I hang out with, and I may not be in extracurricular activities but even those that are popular in my school know me. As a result of being so sociable, I know people that do drugs, and only a set few who do percocets, one of my closest friends used to be a heavy percocet user and I used to tell her as much as I did my sister to quit. My friend and my sister quit, but one returned and one didn't. One is still here, and one is not. It doesn't matter how many people I told not to do percocets, of course I would've wanted my sister to be the one to really listen to me. But ultimately, the person I wanted to save the most didn't make it. I've saved others, but with my sister, it almost made my words feel like nothing after she died. No matter however many times I told her to please find something less dangerous and more beneficial, to not risk her life, she kept using and lost her life. Said friend and two other friends of my sister (I know both of them) were also at some point active percocet users, and they told me that they felt it like it should've been them, seeing my mother made them see that that could've been their parents, their siblings, their friends and relatives, etc. I told them bluntly that it in fact could've been them in Anaia's position, I told them that just because Anaia's clock stopping running doesn't mean there's has to, they can avoid being in her position. Then it got me thinking, there's plenty of other people who overdose on purpose, who overdose 9 times, who overdose and suffer long term effects like paralyzation, but still remain. Anaia overdosed once, and that was the final time. I believe in God and Jesus but I'm not a preacher, I believe and keep it pushing but I'm not religiously based. I believe in the concept of everyone having a time and a date, but sometimes I find myself questioning that if that's the case, are we just here to live a predetermined fate that we have no control over? At the end of the day, was I meant to go through this? Thinking like that plagues my mind, but I settle for it being her time to go, as seeing other drug users made me wonder what they may be here to prove on earth that Anaia could not. I don't like questioning others' lives and why they get to live longer, that's not me, and I'm glad they've been granted more chances, it just sucks my sister wasn't granted that chance in the grand scheme of things. Predetermined or not, there was so much she could've lived for, but I believe there's a reason time can't be reversed, and there's many unexplained miracles that somehow eases me into thinking that I shouldn't throw myself into a hole of questioning why she didn't get a chance, and just accepting that her race ended earlier than mine. I believe things happen for a reason, it's an insensitive statement depending on the situation, but things happen for people to learn and grow from them, but no one really knows why. I've just had to come to the conclusion hat my sister is okay, she's safe, and I have no reason to continue to question her life and worry about her if she's not here with me anymore, you feel?
From a brother perspective, it sucks. It feels somewhat lonely, to live and breathe as an only child. I've become accustomed to being an older brother to a younger sister, but I turned 16 without her, and that's how it'll be for the rest of my life. At her visitation on March 30th, I didn't cry, but seeing her body just made me shake my head. She looked very nice, the funeral home did an amazing job, but it hit me that this was really her. There were distinct things I saw that she had in life that made me come to that conclusion that that was what was left my little sister, and at the funeral + burial the next day, watching her being lowered into the ground left my head empty. No thoughts, she watching as her casket covered in a white sheet was lowered into the ground, and that'd be it. I grew up with this person, and now I have to look down on this person and go through life without this amazing person. I never imagine something like this happening, especially not like this. I always wanted to die first because I was older, a thought I feared ever since I was a child. That didn't get to happen, and milestones man. She'll never get to graduate the year after me, never get to have that lovely relationship with that special one that she always wanted, she never got to be an aunt, a mom, nothing. One day, I hope to have children and I will tell them about Anaia, but do I wish they'd have been able to meet her if that time came. Everyday, I walk past her room, sometimes I go in there and sometimes I don't. Two weeks after her death, her mattress was taken out by me and my dad's friend, up until a few weeks ago, her room was left scattered the way it was when she died minus the mattress, and now, everything has been cleaned up. It's empty, and the emptiness is another reality check. I'll never see Anaia again, and in the potential next life I believe I will, but the fact I can't now is a hard concept to grasp. No more walking to the bus stop, no more barging into her room or vice versa, no more waiting forever for her to complete her makeup, no more random room hangouts, no more of her asking me to flash a light for her Instagram pictures for an excruciating ten minutes, none of them. Her physical presence is gone, I come home everyday and instantly the thought of her being gone hits me. Riding in the car with my parents, being at school, going out, it doesn't feel the same knowing in the back of my head she's gone, no matter how much fun I have. Regardless, I've returned to normal life, matter of fact, I started going to school every day instantly after the funeral, and during the two weeks of March 17th-March 31st, I showed up to school here and there. It didn't take a toll to do so, because I've accepted that though Anaia died, I'm still alive? I don't stop when she does, that'll have more of an effect. Life still goes on, time doesn't stop for no one no matter how much I may want it to. I honestly sit my current happiness at like a 6.5-7, higher than one may expect. I still have my parents, my friends, and all of my relatives, an important chunk is just missing but I still have my people. I only feel alone in the sibling aspect, but in reality, people make me happy everyday and still continue to. I joke how I've always joked, people have said I look much better than how I did initially, there's notable sadness on my face, but I look happier. If that's true, then I hope it stays that way. I still go out to these afterschool events, outside friend hangous, they bring joy. I just miss my sister 25/8, but I've learned to appreciate life just a little bit more now. If she's okay, I'm okay.
Lastly, I wanted to mention dreams. People say they have dreams of deceased loved ones all the time, I personally haven't yet, would like to, but until then that hasn't been the case. I'm not talking dreams with the person in them, I mean direct communication dreams. My mother has had two, my dad's friend has had one, and my close friend mentioned earlier has had one, but the one that sticks out the most is my little cousin's dream. My mom has a younger sister herself and in 2018, she had her first child, his nickname is JP. During 2021-2022, me and Anaia lived with my grandmother due to losing our apartment (our parents stayed separately at a grouphome my dad worked at, they work for my grandmother's company), and my aunt as well as JP stayed with my grandma. JP essentially became me and Anaia's little brother that we didn't have, and vice versa for him, he sees me and Anaia has his older siblings. Seeing him seem so heartbroken after Anaia died was very sad, as you can see written on this five-year-old's face that Anaia was someone who truly mattered to him and he was so sad about it. However, in his dream, Anaia came to him and told him she loved all of us, that she regretted not seeing him grow older, and that what happened to her was an accident. The part that got me was that Anaia told him that where she was was beautiful, he asked to see it, and she told him he couldn't see it yet. Kids just don't make things like that up in my opinion, and he worded it very detailed for a kindergartener, and JP is at the age where his words don't conflict with other things he's said, he's consistent with it and he tells me the same thing he told me the first time when I ask him here and then. He can see it one day, but he can't see it, not yet. What that tells me is that if life is so hard, death must be so beautiful afterwards, and that there is an afterlife. Even if I believed in a separate religion, or if my current religion isn't the truth, I will always believe in an afterlife. I refuse to believe that this world is it, and kids just don't pull stuff out their butt in a serious situation. I believe him. If that's the case, then I'll gladly wait. It doesn't matter how many people die during my lifetime, whatever remains of it, and how many new people I might meet in my life. If my hope of living to elder age and I meet someone and create a family, and even if said wife and or children die before me if that plan does happen, there's only one person I wish to greet me. I hear that people see a loved one before they die, and I hope Anaia is the one that comes to see me when it's all over. Forever, no matter who else passes before me, Anaia's will stay the worst, the most impactful, and that's a strong statement to make but I'm sure of that. I have plenty of goals I have for myself, but my end goal once the others are done is to get past 70, pass peacefully, and have my sister wait for me there. I hope that wouldn't be much to ask for.
That's it.

Welcome to the Channel!!! Nitch is in a BAD mood and started the broadcast on a rant.
"It was a bummer of a weekend and not a great Mother's Day dinner ..." Nitch started off telling the story of how disappointing the Chili's dinner was that they ordered. Sadly, it took about twice as long to get the food they ordered and Chili's was unable to provided white cheddar mac and cheese. Chili's also gave them mashed potatoes instead of French Fries. She tried to get a refund from Chili's support to offset the higher cost of white cheese that was substituted with yellow cheddar. This left Nitch in a bad mood, because support helped her and then reversed the decision.
The cable bill from the store that closed in January just billed her for an early termination fee--it seems that someone must not have correctly ensured that the cable company was notified at that time. As in, "who's minding the store?"
Meanwhile, she is "behind on giving refunds for excess shipping," because she is a "one man show." She mentioned recently that she is behind on getting things listed ... she is behind on sending her clothing to the guy who will list it on ebay.
Nitch says she will soon be adding two teenagers to her car insurance, but they will have to help pay their share, because the cost is "really going to suck." I skipped to the end. She seemed happy at the end.

Photos of my current hair here: https://imgur.com/a/tqANpvc
I’ve loved the idea of a pixie for as long as I can remember but I’ve never gone for it. As a younger person I felt it might not suit me as I’ve always been overweight and I have a small head for my body 😅 I feel like a pixie might just draw attention to that? I’m almost 35 now so I have fewer fucks to give, but I also want outside opinions on whether my impulsive drive to chop all my hair off might be worth reconsidering 😂
My biggest motivator (besides wanting to look cool!) is having a low ish maintenance hairstyle. I have wavy, medium thick hair that’s currently around my shoulders. It’s pretty flat on top, but I find the shorter I cut it the more volume I can get in the top. I’m in a season of life where I don’t have a ton of time to style my hair, so I usually either sleep with it plopped up in a bunch of gel and let it down to air dry for hours the next morning (it takes forever to dry!) or I brush it out and let it air dry straight-ish and frizzy-ish, occasionally straightening it when I need to.
I’m not sure what kind of pixie style I’d want - I love the look of super short styles on folks with more feminine features, and I love the lol of longer styles on people who don’t seem to have as much wild frizz. Any suggestions are appreciated!

Hi! I'm a somewhat long term buyer on Depop and haven't had any issues before, but recently I had a parcel go missing through no fault of myself or the seller.
As it wasn't sent tracked, there is little Royal Mail can do, and as the seller wasn't sure on what to do I raised the issue to Depop who issued a refund on the items (I should specify that this wasn't the option that was selected, but when they reviewed it further, a refund is what they went with).
Now the seller has messaged me asking about reversing it and I'm not sure what to do/if that's even possible at this point. They've been wonderful in conversations and they've also had good reviews in the past (they also put a lot of effort into trying to find the parcel, albeit with no luck).
I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I contact support? Do I leave it and get the refund? I don't even know what to say to them at this point. As I said, it's not an issue I've had before
tldr: Depop issued refund after item went missing in the mail. Seller wants it reversed, not too sure what to do.

A long time ago I used to use Teamviewer to manage mine and my family's PC.
With the pandemic there followed remote work where I left my laptop there and remoted in to use.... just as Teamviewer were clamping down on business use. Which is fine, but their customer support were dire, so I tried Anydesk and was very happy with them and paid for a commercial licence ever since. Well worth it not to have to carry my laptop on the commute (old back injury).
I still am a fan of Anydesk, but recent security tightening at work led to the Anydesk ports being locked down. At first it was at our client site where I work, but I could still remote connect if my work VPN was on. Then my work also locked down the ports.
So I've been looking for alternatives and wondered if anyone had any suggestions? We have the usual homelab setup here with reverse proxy, proxmox, NAS, docker etc, so I have a lot of my home tools available to me at work through the proxy and I'm happy to self host, but it has to be secure if my work's laptop is connecting.
I had been looking at RustDesk which feels very similar to Anydesk and I think I might be able to use with NProxyManager(?), but from what I've seen in this reddit they may also have questionable ownership originating from CN.
Any recommendations welcome
W

My cousin is getting married in July and having a beach destination wedding.
My aunt (cousins mom) is paying for the wedding.
Yesterday at a family gathering for Mother’s Day, my aunt says to me “no funny business at the wedding”
Confused, I asked her to elaborate. She said “none of that gay stuff. No makeup, no nail polish, no fruity outfits, no girly hairstyles… and for god sake grow some hair on your legs. You’re a man and you WILL act like one”
For reference, I’m gender fluid and gender non conforming. I have long (mid back) hair and a short well kept beard. I shave my body hair (except the beard). I don’t wear makeup everyday but I usually have my nails done and my clothing is a mix of both “masculine” and “feminine” attire.
I’m happy with myself and the way I present myself and have been for many years. This is nothing new, and I’ve never been given grief over it before by any family or friends, including her.
And, for what it’s worth, the outfit I have picked out for the wedding (which she already saw) is a tux for the ceremony and male dressy beach clothes for the after party.
Offended, I, “first off, this is not YOUR wedding, second, if this is such a big deal, why was I even invited??”
She said “I just don’t want to be embarrassed and have the photos ruined”
To which I said, “well I won’t ruin anything because I’m not going”
She got mad and said I had to because the seating and catering is already set and if I don’t go it will mess it up.
I’ve already cancelled my flight and explained in private to my cousin why I don’t want to attend anymore and she was very understanding.
TL;DR: AITA for backing out of my cousins wedding after being told that being my authentic self would too embarrassing for her mom to handle??

Tarot Reader since 2017 who has fully mastered in depth readings to bring true insight to the energies and circumstances you are dealing with, with the use of Oracle and Astrology as well. Shaneka's Services And Contact Linktree
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Hi I’m 32M and I’ve had a fart fetish since I was a kid and I love when women are gassy. This story is about my fart fetish experience with my ex from a couple years ago. My ex was petite and on the taller side (5’8) with caramel skin and very pretty face. I told her about my fetish pretty early on. We originally had known each other from rivaling high schools and some years past and we reconnected. We were talking on the phone and joking around and she was pretty open with me and talking about how she was gassy from some food she ate earlier and I was instantly turned on and somewhere in the night we started talking about our kinks.
She told me how she had an ass domination fetish and loved smothering her ass in faces and loved her ass being worshipped. I told her about my fetish and she found it very interesting and kinda turned her on a bit because it meant she could take her ass domination fetish to another level. The next day she randomly sent me a Snapchat of her farting from the coffee she had in the morning and said it actually really turned her on to send me that video. And she sent me a couple more throughout the week.
We hung out that Saturday and went to this Italian restaurant which she said pasta makes her gassy af and we went back to her place and we start kissing and touching and she says she’s starting to feel pretty gassy and tells me to lay on the bed. She pulls her pants down and gets on the bed and gets on top of me and puts her ass directly in my face and lets out a huge fart. My ex’s farts were usually loud as hell and sometimes long. A couple of her farts she let out that night smelled just the pasta she ate. She then tells me she wants to try something. She pulls my dick out and starts giving me head while farting in my face. Then she slides up and rubs her pussy on my dick which is extremely wet and told me that turned her on a lot more than she thought it would and then she puts my dick in and is riding me in reverse cowgirl while still letting out farts here and there and then when I was close to cumming she says I feel a big one coming and let’s out a loud and long ass fart and she slides her ass up and I explode all over her ass. It was absolutely amazing and the first time my fetish was truly satisfied in real life. I’ll tell some more of our fart stories cause it gets sexier. And long story short we broke up because she had a lot of anger issues and it became very toxic. Hopefully I’ll find another woman who will be into it and who I can also have a healthier relationship with.

Kyoukai Problem

Kyoukai, who was probably the best character in Kingdom in the first half of the manga, has been incredibly stale and static as a character over the last few hundred chapters. She is essentially the secondary lead in the story with Ei Sei sidelined in the war arcs and Karyo Ten simply not as compelling as the other 3 leads, this is unacceptable. It's like Hara has no idea what to do with her and she is only present in the story to interact with Shin or kill cannon fodder, completely stifling her character's potential as one of the all time great characters. Her motivation to fight and remain alongside the HSU is not narratively compelling enough if she is destined to become a 6GG.

Shin doesn't need to kill Houken

Shin killing Houken has no narrative impact beyond avenging Ouki and Duke Hyou. Shin's goal is to become the greatest general under the heavens and killing Houken, who is not even a general, does not further his character or his goals. Barely anyone mentions the fact that he killed Houken and people's view of Shin, allies and enemies alike, remain unchanged after the deed proving that the moment had no long-lasting narrative impact which is horrible considering that it was supposed to be an extraordinary moment. Besides, Shin had already killed two generals in Chougaryuu and Gakuei and had done enough to earn a promotion.

Kyoukai and Houken Parallels

Kyoukai has far more similarities with Houken than Shin does. Early in the story, they were both incredible mystical fighters who have obtained their strength away from the battlefield. They are the two most powerful characters in terms of martial might while simultaneously lacking weight, which is critical in raising their strength. They were both loners who struggle to connect with others, failing to see the value you can gain from others. However their characters diverge when Kyoukai learns to accept her companionship with Shin and the HSU while Houken continues to fail to see Ouki's point and refusing to develop as a person. Given how much Kingdom values "weight" as a concept, Kyoukai should be rewarded for forging her new path while Houken should be punished for refusing to adapt which is far more thematically satisfying than what we got.

What Should've Happened

By simply reversing the sequence of events, this can easily work. Instead, have Shin engage Houken first and have him fail. He is weaker than Kyoukai and should not be able to slay Houken at this point as his "weight" at this point should not be enough to overcome their difference in martial might. Shin puts up a decent fight, gets injured, and gets saved by Kyoukai before Houken can finish him.
Like what happened, Kyoukai and Houken's fight could have commentary by Riboku and Kaine who were watching. While initially shocked by how Kyoukai is beating Houken, Riboku begins to understand what is going on. He explains to Kaine how he can see that Kyoukai has far more conviction in her eyes than Houken does.
From Houken's perspective, he is just as shocked as he can't believe that someone he basically defeated at Bayou has surpassed him in this moment. However, unlike his fights with Ouki, Houken finally learns his lesson in his final moments. He wasn't able to understand why Ouki beat him, but by witnessing the context surrounding Kyoukai's motivation to protect Shin and the others to defeat him, he finally learns his lesson. Ouki's vengeance doesn't come in the form of Shin but by the fact that in Houken's final moments, he finally understands and acknowledges to himself that Ouki was greater. In this way, Houken's character is fully utilized as a tool to illustrate the concept of "weight" and his character development at his very end makes it far more satisfying.

Consequences

Kyoukai needs to kill Houken far more as her biggest kill was Ryuutu who was only a strategist. However, the victory comes with a cost. By going too far in her priestess dance, Kyoukai can no longer access her priestess dance and is nerfed but is still relatively strong.
The consequences to Kyoukai makes Shin extremely guilty for not being able to take out Houken himself. Despite accomplishing a lot, he is incredibly hard on himself fueling his further hungriness and motivation. He feels that he is holding Kyoukai back by keeping her in the HSU and pushes her away to an extent. This puts a strain in their relationship and can explain why they don't officially get together.

Kyoukai's Character Arc

Kyoukai's started as a young, wandering assassin who only lived to fulfill her quest for revenge. Her journey from transforming into an outcast to finding a new family and home in the HSU gave her a reason to live and wish for a future that she could not have imagined. However, that should not be the limit to her goals.
After getting nerfed, she struggles to find her new identity and live up to her newfound reputation. When she loses her ability as one of the best fighters in the world, she loses her self-confidence and must struggle to find ways to overcome it and continue to grow as a general.
To compensate, she would have to grow as a leader, where she is sorely lacking compared to others like the trio. She tends to formulate plans that put herself in high-risk situations rather than rely on others. To overcome this, I think having Kyoukai serve alongside/under Yotanwa in some of the Zhao campaigns would help her grow as leader.
Yotanwa can finally serve a proper role in the narrative as a direct mentor figure to one of the leads instead of a just a plot device and there no better general to learn from to develop leadership skills than Yotanwa. She can gather insight on how Yotanwa was able to unite a ragtag group of mountain tribes into a formidable army. She can teach how she is able to inspire her allies and get the best out of her troops consistently while revealing how she was able to turn previous enemies into allies. Developing this relationship is critical to successfully transform Kyoukai into a 6GG in the future.
However, that is not even the most profound effect it can have on the story. With Qin's wars of unification fully underway, there will be a lot of warriors and generals who will lack purpose once their leaders and states fall. Do they accept their new realities or fight to the death in alongside their generals and countries (most notably, Riboku's vassals)? Their situations are not too different from the time when Kyoukai planned to kill herself after killing Yuuren and join her sister in the afterlife.
To fulfill Kyoukai's character arc, she must realize this and decide to save these folks. She must decide that although they are officially former enemies, these people deserve to be given a future and a new home just like what Shin and the HSU did for her. That new home would be in the form of Kyoukai's army. A large proportion of Kyoukai's army when she reaches 6GG will be formed from warriors of fallen states as well as marginalized groups. This fits in perfectly with Sei's vision for a unified China and Kyoukai's success in forming such an army would be a political and symbolic victory in itself by reaffirming Sei's dream. The obviously challenge would be can Kyoukai actually convince these folks to fight for her and by extension, Qin, their former enemies and this is where Yotanwa's mentorship would come in handy.

I’ve heard and read excerpts from Kathie’s journal(s), as made available to the news media and mentioned in the docuseries, but I’d really love to read more or all of her journal entries, as it pertains to her marriage to Bob, his abuse, affairs, their relationship over the years, her feelings, fears, hopes, etc.
I have no desire reading or knowing about any of her other private thoughts, feelings, and experiences outside of things related to Bob, their relationship, marriage, etc, as I respect Kathie’s privacy and it’s neither anyone’s business, nor is it relevant to what she suffered and her murder.
Are there court transcripts or any books written with what I’m seeking to read and learn? Please do forgive me if this has already been asked and answered, or if the journal entries I seek have long been available and I’ve failed to locate and read them. In my eyes and heart, Kathie has long been incredibly “humanized,” so I am not looking to read her private thoughts and experiences just for the sake of that or to be nosy.
I just hope to learn more details and examples of her time with Bob, as what little I have heard and read is fascinating, and moreover, quite harrowing. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this and has any information, suggestions, and/or links, if said information is out there and available.

Tarot Reader since 2017 who has fully mastered in depth readings to bring true insight to the energies and circumstances you are dealing with, with the use of Oracle and Astrology as well. Shaneka's Services And Contact Linktree
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after 2 years of ups and downs.. the outcome was of us parting our ways. You were insensitive in the beginning and hurt me deeply. you didn’t like or care about me in the beginning and it wasn’t your fault, it should have been my cue to leave. then after months of constantly chasing you I decided I no longer will do that and the roles reversed then you started chasing me. then we had a period where we were on the same page and cared and loved for each other. those few months it felt like real love, I knew that it would come to an end though like all things do. I prepared myself for the moment. now we lost our interest and life feels better on my own. If I could go back and learn a lesson it was to be to not ignore red flags as this was the reasons we would end for. Could I have done better? I could have .. but you had your flaws and it made me slowly lose myself.
I feel sad but I also feel like it’s the best option. I feel more peaceful if anything. I did see us long term and had big plans for us but I would be naive if I said it could certainly last forever. Maybe in the future we will meet again, or maybe we won’t. I wish you the best

The "Weather Ball" Challenge results are in!
DURING THE EPISODE...

• After returning from the elimination, the girls all take a deep breath as they read Lala's message, with Elektra getting choked up because she didn't want her sister to go home. She confers that she's now the only US contestant left and feels like she has a target on her back because this is her third time in the competition. Adore says that she chose Lala because she felt like, with this being her third go-round, she was going to pick a queen that she thought had the most to show, and she's demonstrated a lot compared to Angeria, so she felt it to be only fair.
• As the queens look over the lipsticks, Shannel says that it's very telling that Adore is trying to play a very congenial game with how she's deciding, and Shannel says that she's not up for that behavior whatsoever. However, she continues to let Eva do her thing as she reveals that she picked Angeria's lipstick. Shannel claps, saying that someone is willing to play the game. Eva says that she picked Angeria's lipstick because she already won and had so much time to improve her snatch game skills, and she just faltered, and she doesn't think that's necessarily the bill of a winner, which the girls gag at. She responds to Eva by saying that she'll expect her to do the same, with the tension in the room being very thick. Monét laughs and says she's thankful it wasn't her this time in the drama.

Monét X Change has won the "Read Off A Weather Teleprompter While Indoor Skydiving" Mini Challenge!

• After the mini-challenge results are announced, Monét cheers over the fact that she won, and Plastique jokes that she can only win mini-challenges. She responds by saying that this is a challenge she can win, especially considering how Plastique is the only other UK girl with no wins. The girls gag, but then Brooke announces that it's a ball, to which Monét slaps her hands over her face in the confessional.
• The girls prepare for the challenge as Brooke walks around the room. She walks up to Plastique, who already has a concept laid out on her mannequin, and Brooke congratulates her on the fast work. Plastyique says she's trying to show what she's learned since her time on UK3 since she could only create one silhouette. Brooke then goes over to Elektra, who has a design laid out, but Brooke says that she's worried about it just being a dress and that's it since the one thing that's been holding Elektra's looks back is accessorization, which she nods along to.
• Adore is struggling with sewing, her outfit falling apart right in front of Brooke and causing her to break down in front of the other girls, which all comfort her, and she regains the strength to continue fighting for the main challenge. Angeria, however, is doing very well in creating this beautifully structured garment. Brooke is astonished that she can't even clock that it's made from unconventional materials.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 🇨🇦 ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖──

ON THE MAINSTAGE...
Monét X Change is declared safe and exits the stage, leaving the tops and bottoms of the week to hear their critiques...
Adore Delano receives negative critiques from the judges. Brooke says her package this week was underwhelmingly pedestrian, a reversion back to her season 2 fashion antics. She was incredibly sexy in her lingerie look, loving the all-black ensemble, yet every other queen that went after she stepped it up, so she looked weak in comparison. Her silver fox look was undeniably an older version of a Chola. While they loved incorporating her upbringing's fashion onto the mainstage, they wish she elevated the look to be much more. On top of all this, her design look could be more impressive, feeling like the tulle is a coverup for messy hot glue and a lack of shape. She got into her head this week, and they need her to pull herself out because she's been doing fantastic.
Angeria Paris VanMichaels receives positive critiques from the judges. The entire panel is shocked by how her package turned out, saying she used that winner's budget. First of all, her lingerie look was so incredibly sexy that they couldn't even clock that it wasn't her body; something about it was so Beyonce-esque; with this silver lingerie with this honey blonde wig and robotic parts, she looked so well put together. Her second runway was even more impressive, turning out this elevated church lady look dressed for the snow in her gorgeous white furs. When she let down that pageant bun to show her flowing gray hair, they knew she was locked in for the win. Her design look leaves the largest stamp on her; with her creation, this pantsuit meets pageant gown, fully complete for someone of her caliber with such stunning detail.
Elektra Shock receives negative critiques from the judges. Brad says that regarding her package, they felt her runways were the least cohesive, and when looking at them side to side, they clashed against one another. Her first look was right, but she was supposed to show her body, and they felt her look was too conservative. They know she has excellent padding, so she needs to push herself to the max because this fell short of what they know she's capable of. Her second look was much better, loving the way that she exited out of her igloo coat and came out as this sexy wolf MILF, but they do think she could've pushed that artic wolf concept a bit further since they felt she didn't fully commit to it. Her design runway, though, is their biggest problem. It's a pretty gown, but that's it. Besides some accessorizing, this is a step down from their knowledge of her skills.
Eva Le Queen receives negative critiques from the judges. Traci says they know she has some fantastic looks in here and that her package this week was more of a mixed bag, but her design look truly brought her down. Looking at her lingerie, she had a gorgeous body, and she stepped out looking like a fairy, especially with her long tuft of fabric and fairy wings flowing in the wind. She fully committed to the concept, even having fairy dust flow from her hair. Her second look was another fantastic entry into the package, coming out with this skinned polar bear look only to wear the bear fur as her outfit in this Cruella-inspired garment was a creative take on the category. The only problem was her design look, which seemed like a rush and afterthought, though it was the most critical part of the challenge.
Plastique Tiara receives positive critiques from the judges. Brooke says that she knows that Plastique wasn't playing around when she said she would give fashion, but this is on an entirely new level. First, they couldn't even clock that she was a drag queen on her first runway. No padding, just her sexy lingerie and Victoria's Secret angel wings. They were gagged by how she looked like she came right off the runway and served them cisgender realness. Her second look was even better, seeing as how she showed up in this icicle-inspired garment and melted herself on the mainstage into this sexy Elsa look; she had them gagged the most on the runway with that look. Then, her design runway was the most impressive one they've seen tonight. She turned out a cultural garment from unconventional materials. She's by far one of the best designers here.
Shannel receives positive critiques from the judges. The judges give her the moment she's finally been waiting for, telling her she's gorgeous as she begins to tear up on the runway, taking a shallow breath. They say that her first look was breathtaking because she embraced her body as an older queen, having the wind make her dress fly off in a reveal was so Marilyn Monroe-esque, turning out this gorgeous Old Hollywood to New Hollywood slut look. Overall, they were impressed by her thoughts during the presentation. Her second look was incredible in this Snow Queen-inspired garment, ripping the fairytale straight to this real-life drag. Her design look is her best, churning out this structural business garment that's just so well made.
Angeria Paris VanMichaels, Plastique Tiara, Condragulations! You are the Top Two All Stars of the week!
Adore Delano, Elektra Shock...I'm sorry, My Dears, but you are both up for elimination...

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 🇨🇦 ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖──

DURING UNTUCKED...

• All the girls walk back in, and Monét is the first to complain about being safe, but Shannel notes that she's surprised that she wasn't in the low position over Eva, who had two great looks and was somewhat in the same boat as Monét. They begin to fight one another, with Monét claiming that she's had a problem with her all season and Elektra breaking up by yelling and saying they're not even the ones at the bottom. The tension is extremely thick in the room, and Plastique breaks it up by congratulating herself on a win, which makes the girls laugh.
• Angeria and Plastique talk to one another side by side and apologize for their jokes against one another, promising to have each other's back no matter how the lipsync goes. Adore talks with both of them and starts breaking down and crying, saying she doesn't deserve to be here. She nearly quits, but Angeria gives her an inspirational talk about quitting. Plastique says that she doesn't know if Adore can handle the pressure. Elektra talks to them next and promises them both an alliance, but Angeria says that this is her third time around, and it's pretty clear that she isn't doing the greatest and that she's now the only one, other than Shannel, without a win. The girls are unsure of who to pick.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 🇨🇦 ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖──

AFTER DELIBERATION...
Angeria Paris VanMichaels and Plastique Tiara make their lipstick choices and walk back to the stage, where the other Queens are waiting for them...
TOP2: Angeria Paris VanMichaels / Plastique Tiara
HIGH: Shannel
SAFE: Monét X Change
LOW: Eva Le Queen
BTM2: Adore Delano / Elektra Shock
The Top Two Queens will Lip-Sync for their Legacy to "Nobody's Supposed To Be Here (Hex Hector Dance Mix)" by Deborah Cox. This is your chance to impress me, win the challenge prize, and gain the power to give one of the Bottom Queens the chop. Good Luck, and Don't Fuck It Up!
POLL / Track Record

Hi. I just needed to confess and share my experience visiting the brothels at GB road a couple of months ago. Firstly let me introduce myself, I am an person who never had a girlfriend and have low self esteem. I smoke alot of weed and sometimes rely on liquid courage to carry out tasks that get me anxiety. The only action I get are paid for. I am a sick man, you don't have to remind me. I should mention I am posting this from a new account, for obvious reasons.
Looking up GB road online, most of the posts about GB Road hold true. Maybe this post will help others who haven't but are thinking of making the trip there.
Firstly kotha 64, run by Nepalis is the safest brothel, that is true. No one is looking to activately rob you there. But getting there may not be the easiest, as I have unfortunately found out.
I always take the metro to Chawri Bazaar, exit via gate 3. You could take a rickshaw or an auto directly to 64, there are many lined up outside the metro. But I foot it instead. There is a small parallel road behind GB road. Around the day it is hectic and consists mostly of hardware stores. Around 8 in the evening, it is dark and and alot quieter as most businesses have closed for the day. I am not very sure but I believe the stores here are addressed as behind 45, 56 etc. Or it could just be the store number on that particular road. Either way I use them as reference to know what numbered kotha lies in front of it. I take the turn towards GB road when I am around 70 and make my way in reverse.
Incidentally, no pimp bothered me outside in GB road. The street is filled with genuine businessmen running genuine hardware stores. I hardly felt threatened. There was traffic on the road. It isn't hard to spot 64 if you take my route. The entrances of the kothas have cigrette stores opposite or besides them. But if you enter GB road from the direction opposite to what I have mentioned, let me warn you there are several falsely labelled 64s near 64. They are easy to identify as hookers usually sit outside near the entrance, trying to draw a naive guy in. I was once fooled into entering such dubious 64 and that's when it can get scary as once you have entered, the pimps and hookers crowd upon you and won't let you leave unless you take their service.
The pimp will always frisk you, searching your pockets hoping to find the secret cash you have hidden. They won't rob you of your mobile phone or other gadgets you have on, they are only interested in how much you have in your wallet. I unfortunately had around 3k with me, the pimp pocketed 1k and forced me inside a dingy room holding an older lady. I didn't want to do her so I tipped her a 100 and after 10 mins, she let me out. The pimp was waiting outside and asked me if I had tipped. I lied tipping ₹10 and took the chance to ask him more about GB road. There are apparently no beautiful ladies from the north east or foreigners but there are Nepalis. He said he could arrange foreigners if I came back with 5k and asked me to leave the place immediately, shielding me from other pimps and hookers outside. Ofcourse, I never had the intention to trust him to fullfill his promise.
Now the real 64 has no one waiting outside. There is some Hindi written on the inner right wall saying "Yaha thukna mana hai" or something, I didn't bother reading as I hurriedly made my way inside. On my several visits I always noticed an elderly woman sitting on the floor begging shortly after entering. On the ground floor there were old fat hookers waiting but I ignored them and made my way upstairs. The first floor was mostly deserted but had some hookers sitting down looking bored. The second floor was similar but few of the girls looked pretty. On the third floor is where apparently where all the young good looking hookers are. I could never truly guess if any girl is underage. Even if I am a demon, I am no pedophile. I believe the ones with pimples on their cheeks are in their late teens. At first glance, I couldn't find anyone very pretty, so I made my way to the cornerstore in the floor where they were selling cigerettes and drinks.
There are small cornerstores at every floor. I believe the vendors also double as a pimps but they never bothered me. Cigerettes like Classic are sold at 30 each and soft drinks like a ₹20 bottle at ₹40. They also sell snacks but I wasn't interested. They had Tuborg premium which sell at ₹300 but because I paid online, I had to shell out ₹350. No one really bothered me. Every once in while, street vendors selling peanuts and small soft drinks would make their way inside. The brothel is also frequented by vendors selling cosmetic and apparel, they usually target the hookers. There was once a person with a note in English stating his plight trying to solicit donations from hookers and customers. He was shortly asked to leave by the cornerstore vendor. As for the use of phones, there are several posters saying no videography allowed. They never collect your phones but while I was texting, the fat old madam sitting by the door near the stairs scrolling instagram asked me to put my phone away.
As I sat waiting for a girl pretty enough for me to turn up, sipping my beer and smoking my cigerette, hookers at the floor would try to get my attention. Some eventually making their way across to sit next to me. They never really bothered me but waited in anticipation if I would pick them, eventually moving on and talking to the other hookers across the hall in Nepali. Ironically the speakers above would at times blast divine music, like you are currently at some holy place. The cornerstone vendopimp would also do short pujas in the evenings. I was even offered Kaju Barfi by a young chap who every once in while sweeps the floor littered by cigrette butts and empty bottles. Apparantly he passed some exam.
Now the hookers may sweet talk you in the hall, but inside the very small dark compartment containing a metal framed bed with a thin mattress on top and barely any space, they mean business. You pay first and then are asked to wait inside the room as the girl deposits the amount. They lay a small piece of cloth on top of the mattress, half strip down from the bottom and expect you to do them in missionary position, sometimes never exposing their breasts. They are rude if you make requests. Also I have read that they make you put on double condoms but in my case it was always single though they carried an extra. In kotha 64, they have never really asked me to tip but they do expect it. On the third floor, it costs ₹450 a shot and you have 15 mins before someone knocks from outside asking you to hurry up. You could always pay more for more time.
There is a private room in the third floor, one with much more space, lighting and air-conditioned. Doing the deed in the room costs ₹600 for one shot and about ₹1400 (I forgot but around this range) for longer.
In this age of digital payments, one could go cashless but I imagine you'd have to pay extra.
Post coitus, they help you take off the condom and hurry you out in the hall after you've dressed. I take my time to collect myself, sex is draining particularly when you're the one doing all the pumping.
Now regarding the girls, I will just be brief. One of the quiet ones was very skilled and didn't complain much on my pestering. She eventually let me kiss and lick her and suck on her nipples after I had gotten her to cum. Of course, I tipped her good even though she never asked. Regarding my unsanitary actions, I know yuck, it's not much but I saw her taking her toiletries from the drawers underneath where we were sitting and heading to a room containing a mirrored wash basin and what I think is a small bathroom (a toilet perhaps? I just had a small peek). I picked her after she had returned, looking recently bathed. If you have been frequenting brothels as long as I have, you learn to spot infections and even though I am no expert, I haven't really noticed any on the girls at this floor. The Cornerstore vendopimp promises them to be infection free. I don't really trust him but I had tested myself last month because I had to donate blood. The girls also collectively sleep on the floor in the hall. The kothas close around 2am. When I asked what the small set of stairs going up behind the cornerstore on the third floor led to (I was curious about the 'Do not enter without permission' sign next to it), the vendor pimp replied "nothing, just the kitchen".
Another girl I did was very pretty. As she took her fee and headed to deposit the amount at the hands of the cornerstore pimp, I was flirting with the girl I mentioned earlier. Later, inside the room, she conveyed her frustration on my actions. She exposed her non existent tits but was rude throughout coitus. I didn't cum and ran out of time. She blamed me for being intoxicated. I shouldn't have booked the AC room for this one.
After getting out of the kotha, there are several auto rickshaws lined outside. In no mood to walk, I usually take one back to the metro. The autowallas usually charge me ₹80-₹100, one tried to justify the charge for the ₹50 they pay to park outside the kothas. They don't really ask any other questions if one is wondering. Only once was I shown disgust by an elderly person after exiting. I just brushed him off, he didn't look well off either.
Anyways, this has been my experience at GB road. Over the years I have visited brothels and massage spas across several states, including ones where brothel hookers aren't uptight about positions and requests.
I will someday return to Delhi and may visit GB road. If someone has experienced other kothas in GB road, please do share.

Okay, fourth rewrite, I'm making this in hopes that their is someone who can help me in some way. Maybe someone knows the answer to it all and can guide me, though unlikely. I'll just list out all my issues in seperate paragraphs and hopefully their is just someone out their to help, if you can help me just please do, I really need help or at least someone and you reading this and giving me advice would truly mean a lot to me. Anyways
I feel stupid: I honestly feel braindead, I hate my mind so much. Sometimes it's hard to think or do, sometimes I can't think or do. My mind is so numb, everything about my mind just feels wrong and dead. My mind has felt dead for a year or two now and I just wish it was alive, I want my mind to be normol, I want it to actually work. I also want confidence in my mind, any failure or lack of underatanding makes me defeated and feeling like a dunce. Anything I can do I say was just luck or something anyone should know. I don't know if I'm stupid or not but dam I feel like I am the dumbest in a room. I would give it all to be intelliegent, I wish I was smart, well read, well informed, well versed. I so desperately want to know, so desperately want to be smart. I wish I could understand stuff. I just want to be smart and have a bright alive mind, but my mind is so dead and desolate and compared to the rest worthless. I hit myself in my head whenever I'm mistaken or just feel so stupid, and I honestly deserve it. If I were to kill myself my mind being numb and stupid would be the reason or a big reason why, I just want to be smart. You can likely tell just how much of an idiot I am by reading this via grammer, spelling, complaints. That "likely" was meant to be "probaboly" but I'm just stupid and worthless to spell. If there was just a way to be smart and not such a moron, I fucking hate my life.
I have body issues: I without doubt have body issues, the biggest of which is my weight. As of now I am 5,9 (1.7M) and 211lbs (95.7KG), I was 246lbs (111kg) to begin with and it was also my heaviest. Despite losing a good amount of weight I am not happy and have no pride, I'm still fat and thats all I see sadly. I don't want to be fat or skinny, I want to be muscular:big arms, built chest, flat stomach, no abs (don't like them) that sounds appealing, it's what I want. Unfourtunely I as of now can't work to this goal, I don't have money for a gym or equipment, famliy funds can't do it ethier and awhile ago I turned down a weight bench since I wasn't confident, now I regret that choice. I hate being fat so much, and this deep hatred and desperation has led to a embarassing cycle, for two years now I have been downloading images of muscular bodies. They're all drawings or from videogames since I'm to embarresed to have real images and as mentioned it's a cycle, Download and store -> have them and look at them for awhile -> get ashamed of myself -> purge it all -> regret -> repeat. Like stated this has been going for two years and as of now I have ten different images. Apart from weight I also have some other physical insecurites, acne being a big one. I been suffering from acne for years, fifth grade, early sixth grade is when it started so five years of this. It mostly effects my chin and cheeks badly but also effects more of my face, sometimes the acne hurts and it often even bleeds. I hate touching my face and feeling grime and ripping off a bunch of skin and dried shit. I wash every night and try to be frequent with morning witch-hazel but it dosen't relent. I also hate it when it gets mentioned, it is irratating to be reminded and noticed and nobody points it out more then my own mom who also cliams it would go if I just washed. I do, I fucking do! It's not working and you don't understand that! I also have body acne I don't know how to fix, I like sleeping shirtless which I know is the reason, also inconsistent with bedding which isn't right. Even if I did wash sheets weekly it wouldn't be enough, I would still get acne on my body. I just want to sleep shirtless and not get acne, I wish I could find a way. Another insecurite but not really is my height, I don't mind being 5'9/5'10 I mean it's about average height and I beat out my 5'4 father. But I'm sixteen which mean I still have possibilty to get taller and I wonder, will I? If I do, just how tall? Could I reach 6'0+? All of this speculation makes me a bit insecure, also with being fat I look short and round in the mirror which is defeating. I'm secure besides speculation and weight but at the same time I truly want to be taller, I think any man tall or short wishes they were taller, I wish I could break 6'0 that would be cool (to me). But I don't think that will ever happen, my dad is 5'4, my mom is 5'6 I made it 5'9/5'10 and my chart is stagnating, should just stop thinking I'll get taller. Another phsyical insecurite and likely the last one I'll mention unless I think of another worthwhile one is my hair, I'm insecurie of my hairstyle. Or lack of hairstyle, my mom says I have independence in this choice but whenever I make a choice she complains about it. Any agreement is one sided or changed up a little so she likes it. I have always hated my hairstyles over the years, even now and as of now it's ethier her way or a unorgainzied thick mess that will soon be her way. I hate it, wish I could make my own "independent" choice, even if I could my mom would likely hate it and always bring it up which is something I don't want to deal with. My mom is more for short cuts and fades etc, I hate fades and while I do admire short hair have always taken liking to shagger and longer styles, more rugged style. I have also always liked long hair and even wanted it. I used to openly want long hair for a long time but my mom opposed, I tried to convince her but she was opposed. She wasn't only opposed to it she made sure to express that it was gay and feminine etc, etc. She made me close off and forgot the desire but even now she won't let go. She is so sure to tell everyone: famliy, her friends, the hairdresser, hell maybe even strangers, she tells everyone about how much I wanted it and what she thought of it etc. Often I have been embarresed like this while I was right there, I have expressed that this embarreses me and want it to stop mutiple times yet she'll continue almost as if it's purposeful, she will also bring up an old friend T who had long hair as an example of it looking bad. But he didn't take care of it or do anything, most he would do is give into his moms begging and have her brush it. If I had long hair I would actually take care of it and do stuff to it! She also claims I got the idea from him, but no I liked it since elementary being inspired by personal inkling and rock. I no longer want hair but am starting to find styles I really like, but first I need to get my mom to fuck off. And second I would want to grow a beard, which is another issue of mine. I'm sixteen I shouldn't expect a full beard but I have seen peers with actual good facial hair, patchy beards, five o'clocks, some actually have a beard. Then there is me, with some sideburns and a bunch of peachfuzz, I want to be able to grow a beard and the peachfuzz plus sideburns bother me, I want it to actually devlop, I want a beard. I am also worried about devlopment, worried acne will hurt or even stop growth. I'm upset about my lack of growth though I definetly have unrealistic expectations. Lastly with hair is my chest hair, I'm quite hairy and I like it. And I have chest hair but barely and I just wish I had more over a greater coverage, more of a funny insecurite, lol. One more insecurity I forgot about is my voice. I'm loud when talking and my voice isn't as deep as I wish so that sucks.
(copy and paste from older write) I wish I had a father: I don't have a father or any form of father figure, I'm fatherless and it hurts a lot. My father has been out of my life since I was elevenish/twelveish (the peak of covid passed), we kicked him out because he is and was a meth addict in and out of the jail. He was a fuctioning addict so not violent and not as obvious of an addict but the meth still took him over. My mother says she kept him around and gave him so many chances because she wanted him to be in my life as a father. But he was no father when he was around, he didn't parent me, he didn't play his role as a father and guide as a masculine role model, hell he likely didn't even truly care for me. My only memories of him really are going to McDonold's with him, after which he dumpster dived behind the plaza as I begged for us to go back home. Or me wanting to bond with him so he sets up the brilliant idea of dragging me around with his skechy friends, to skechy places, even at skechy times. I don't understand why I knew sooner, guess I was a stupid basterd but I started picking up that my dad was a bad person around fifth grade. By then I quickly found out more and more and tenstion was growing, by eleven we we're going to kick him out but covid struck it's height and our household seemed palpable. But very quickly we said fuck it and threw him to the curb, we weren't going to have it no longer. Soon after around thirteen I was happy that he was gone but slightly disappointed that I no longer had a father (even if he was useless) and I hoped my mom would find someone, not only for herself but for me. By fourteen this really layed in heavy on me and the lack of a father really bummed me out, I got really stupid and desperate using bitlife to create guys then add me and my mom in to create step father famlies even adding step siblings and shit. By late fourteen it was made clear to me by my mom that "we don't need no man" and that she was done with dating. I very well do need a father figure, every child needs one. Hell I as a guy truly need(ed) one, there are so many lessons and things that come from a fatheson relationship that are crucial to a boy and I missed out on them. Hell even when my dad was around I missed out on lessons, I still remember he was tasked to teach me how to tie my shoes but got mad at me struggling and walked away. He refused to help afterward and I refused to try and never to this day learned the proper way to tie, instead I have my own far less efficent method. I missed out on so much by not having a father and it hurts to know that and I just wish I had the knowledge, without a masculine role model I have definetly missed out what it is to be a man and likely am even a loser of a man. I just want a father so badly, I want what a father provides so badly, I want the bond that it comes with. I wish I just had a guy to talk to and bond with, I want a dad just so badly. I wish I had someone who taught me how to change a tire or fish and all that shit, but I'll never have it and it angers me, I am angry to be fatherless, I am angry and lost without a father figure, and I'm jealous. I kind of want to have children when the time comes, I wonder if I'll fail them as well.
Friends: Growing up I was always a bit introverted, I think it was of my nature but was amplafied by life. In elementary I often acquainted myself with people never having any close friends outside my after school program. Jumping to middle school I had a good friend-group but it turned out my good friend T was really an ass and I was pushed out by him in early nineth grade. Later in nineth I met my good friend, my best friend M. This year in tenth I was introduced to a friend named D by M. These are my only two friends and I'm happy with them, though there are a few issues. Not anything major but just a few things, like how we never do anything outside of school. The only thing I really miss about my old friendgroup is that we actually did shit: springs, houses, events, parks, attractions, food. Now me, M and, D don't and have never done anything outside of school and the computer. M likely couldn't do anything because of his famliy and D just seems completely disinterested and worried about money. But I wish we could really do something, sure videogames are fun but it would be fun if we could just goof off somewhere, be stupid. This is really the only general "issue" apart from that no major strain or issue in the friendgroup. But I do have a few personal grievences, starting with D. I think D has a darker side of him, he seems to not respect or care for me and will sometimes show it in nasty ways. He had told both me and M to kill ourselves, he attacks insecurites, he says rude shit, etc. Also with D, we have never truly connected, never gotten to know each other personally. Without M we would be mere acquaintance, M is the only reason why me and D are friends and being alone with each other is mostly silence and maybe him showing me a TikTok. Then M, I have no personal issues with M only small factors of our friendship I'm upset or worried about. Starting off with is school, halfway through this year (tenth) M started a FLVS-hybrid. I am happy for him and it's something we both expressed wanting but now I never really see him. I could see him at lunch but he dosen't really come in and only other time I can see him is leaving campus. I ethier catch him and barely have a conversation worthwhile or he's to far ahead and I got to give up trying to reach him. The only way to talk to my best friend nowadays really is Discord, and that isn't even reliable since his parents are often controlling the WI-FI or taking his stuff away. This means when I do talk to my friend it can suddenly be ended as he disconnects or I can't even. This sucks, it feels like I can't even talk to my best friend that much. But that isn't all, because I'm worried for my friend M. His parents don't sound the best from all he's told me, I won't share his issues but just as an example he didn't have a bedroom for two months. Hearing what we gose through is alreadly dishearting but something that I worry deeply about is him talking sucide. He has talked and half joked about it several times and it's worry, I been trying to discourage but he continues with it so now I'm just trying to ignore it. That is likely the wrong way of handling it but I just don't know what to do. I hope it's always bluff and he moves out and moves on with he can, I don't want him to kill himself.
I'm lonely: I'm sixteen but I'm lonely. I am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a relationship, I am not the most worried about that, I don't want to date just to date, I want to date to love. But hell I still wish I had a relationship, even just a sterotypical high-school one. But what I truly want is true love, I want a woman I love with all my heart and a woman who loves me with all of hers, I want a woman to provide for, to protect, to matter to. I want to marry and possibly have kids. I want to love someone, be there for someone. But will I ever even have that? I'm alreadly a loser who no woman would want and even then from what I've heard, "modren dating is terrible" so what chance do I even have? Will I ever have someone to love? I hope.
School: School makes me so misereble and dead, this place makes me genuinely want to off myself I hate it so much. And it seems to revolve around my whole life, even at home it's all my mom wants to bring up. I just need a break from it all but it seems like it's the only thing in my life, I don't really have anything else. I failed my nineth grade year, I failed since I'm a stupid, worthless peice of shit. But they "passed" me onto tenth, gave me tenth grade classes, test, etc but say I'm still nineth, tell me do nineth grade "remedation" online. Now I'm failing like a worthless peice of shit once again! I wish they held me back to try again but they didn't they just pushed me on, still likely would've failed like a worthless bitch but I could have had a chance. I fucking hate myself I'm so stupid and I hate my school for pushing my stupid ass onward and onward, I should just kill myself at this point. And when I try to reach out to my counselor in any hope for some chance of help the piss poor communcation at this school means it'll take days for a response, I can't even get reliable help over school. Back in middle school I had a GPA in the high 3s, I made honor roll every other quater or so, I had high grades and sucess. But in high-school, in nineth grade I failed with straight Fs and got a GPA of 0.7, now in tenth I have a 1.7 and sometimes get high grades but mostly fail. I just wish I wasn't so stupid, I just wish I was smart and successful at school. But I'm not, I'm a fucking idiot and an embarssment at school. And maybe it would all be okay if it wasn't for the assholes I am surrounded by, my fellow peers of this overcrowded hell hole. Just seems like I can never catch a break with having to deal with people. I just want to be left alone but they're is just always somebody wanting to bother me, harass me. Can sit at a desk then have a bunch of cunts around me, harass me, call me burgundy because of my shirt. Can sit down and be snickered at by the guys in front of me for whatever reason. Sit down and have paper, pencils, even ice hitting me. Sit down and have some imbecible pull up a chair and use my desk as his and block me in my seat because fuck me, am I right? Just want to be left alone but never am, nobody ever dose it's always something. I can't even get respect, not a single bit, just always mistreated. Hell just the other day when I was given my packet I was also mistakenly given the packet of a nearby girl, I get her attention and hand it to her and she just snaches it and mumbles something, because I can't even be respected, I'm worthless. And even when I'm not being directly bothered I got to deal with slow walkers, idiots who don't know how to inconvience everyone else in the halls, the over crowded school. It all fucking sucks I hate it all, everyday I think I'm on the verge of snapping but somehow just have more patience, I don't know how much more of this shit I can or have to endure. At least my mom finally reconsidered my old forgotten pleads for online school and reopened the idea, maybe by some miracle online school will save me and "help me get caught up and ahead" but I doubt it, I'm an idiot who deserves to die. Why am I so fucking stupid, why am I like this? Why must I exist this way?
No hobbies or interest: I used to love a lot of things: reading, history, coming up with things in my head, videogames and, anything really. Now I have grown apathic to it all except videogames and even that dosen't bring much joy. I want to have my old hobbies back but lack the will to return. And I want new hobbies but yet lack will but also lacking knowing what I want to try. I'm lost with my freetime, it's all bleek and I want to fill my life with pastion. I still love videogames, always will but I need more then just gaming, I want more then gaming. I just want something, anything. I don't want to have such a lack of interest, God I fucking hate my life.
I have no future career goals: I'm sixteen and have no idea on what I want to do as an adult, some may say thats okay but it's not, not for me at least. I want to have a goal in the adult world, and even if that goal led to a path I don't like then I can always go down another path. Despite having no idea on what to do I at least know I don't want to be in an office. I could handle an office job, and be content with an office job but an office job isn't me, it isn't what sounds interesting, I would likely do blue collar or be my own boss. Some jobs I've considered and would do still are: police, SWAT police, house flipper, 911 operator, port worker, mechanic or something tinkeassemble like, enterpuner my book, film and games ideas or, open a store or bar or something. These are some jobs I've considered in the past that I would still see myself doing, I have also pondered over military/reserve but not sure. My childhood dream career that I still have a desire for is SWAT but I don't think I have what it takes, in fact I don't think I have what it takes for anything. I think all my life is destined to is dying homeless on a street corner, it's all I'll ever be "worthless".
I had so much planned, now failed: At age fourteen I planned to by now have a license, a job, a banking account, start savings. I planned to lose weight, I planned to have an idea outside of school, I had a plan. But I'm just a worthless peice of shit and a failure to myself, I don't even have a permit, no job, no savings, still fat, have no idea about the future, I failed myself.
Fidgeting: I can't stop but want to, at school I can't help but twiral a pencil around. I do it all the time at school but been trying to stop, I hate doing it. Worst part is I'm being immated by worthless cunts by it which is annoying. I want to stop this.
Masterbation addiction: I have a severe and low life addiction to masterbation. I do it at least once a day and sometimes mutiple times a day. The longest I was ever able to refrain was just a little over a week and only failed because I got bored. I need to jerk it to be able to sleep unless I'm desperately tired but even then. Also since I "need" it to sleep I regulary soil my sweatpants then sleep in it which is nasty. I can't control this vice, this low appetite and I'm deeply unhappy about it. Also unhappy that I might be ruining my endurence, a bit TMI but just another reason why this is harmful. I want to refrain or atleast drasticly cut out this pratice and fix myself.
I likely have more issues eating me inside as I waste away as a shell of a person but I can't really think of them. I am told my mom is looking into thearpy so that might be nice. Please just help me, I'm so lost and broken, I sometimes consider just ending it all but I just hope it can get good.