Just carry on

18F, 5'7, possible endo, severe menstrual pain and appetite loss. at my limit with my symptoms and have no idea where to go from here.
Around March/April 2023 I began having 2 periods a month, significantly heavier than usual and significantly more painful than I've ever had. This pain has been so significant it will make me curl to the ground when I have cramps, even with alternating 800mg Ibuprofen 2-4x daily and Tylenol.
had been on Hailey Fe 1.5/30 for 4 years, and after discussing with my doctor I then went on Ortho-Cyclen (28). My doctor believed it to be PCOS after my ovaries appearsd to have too many immature follicules (I've had 4 ultrasounds since, all of which state everything looks normal), and stayed the Ortho-Cyclen was more effective for women with PCOS). I had no improvement and continued pain, so we discussed the potential of Endometriosis (I also have cyclic difficulty urinating with my period), and I had the Mirena IUD inserted.
Shortly after insertion (~2 weeks) I began noticing appetitie loss (not nausea, more just a complete lack of desire to eat food, nothing seems appetitizing ever and forcing it down makes me feel sick). Besides this, I've had a great experience with the IUD- no bleeding, and while I still have pain, it's tolerable if I alternate Ibuprofen and Tylenol.
Fast foward to now, the appetite loss has gotten so severe that I'm having difficulty eating more than a few bites of food a day. I haven't lost a TON of weight, but I feel insanely weak. I'm usually very active as I'm a full-time college student and figure skate (usually 1-2 hours, 5-6 days per week, now managing once or twice a weak for maybe 30 minutes). I had a hard time getting in with my regular doctor so I was placed with a different OBGYN, who told me it likely wasn't the IUD and to drink smoothies and protein shakes and cream (which I was already doing, main source of nutrition over the past 3 months). She also did several blood tests, which showed nothing other than a slightly elevated Anion Gap (14 iirc). I was told my next option would be remove the IUD and get a Kyleena placed, although that would carry the risk of returned pain. I was told if that would happen, I could get a laproscopic surgery to check for and remove any endometrial lesions. I weighed around 146 at this appointment at the beginning of March. I began bleeding once a month like a regular period just after this appointment as well, after having no bleeding since the insertion (the strings are still in place).
I had no improvement in symptoms and noticeably lost weight, so I visited another doctor (again, could not get in to see either previous doctor until June). At this visit on April 4th, I weighed 128 (~16 lb weight loss). This doctor was incredibly dismissive (as well as two different nurses saying to my face "they wished they had my problem") ans told me she's never seen a case where someone has had appetite loss from IUD and that it was more likely another medication of mine.
I'm on 300mg Modafinil daily for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I developed in 2022 after getting Influenza A. I've been on this medication since early August 2023 (1.5 months after getting the IUD placed). While I had no increases appetitie loss after starting it, I had suspected this to be the case, so I paused taking it to find no difference in my symptoms back in January. I told her this and she said while she would take the IUD out, she doesn't believe it to be the cause and provided no further discussion on options.
I found IUD insertion to be rather uncomfortable, but no where near as painful as my menstrual cramps. That said, I really didn't want to remove the Mirena and replace it with a Kyleena unless I needed to. I followed up my primary and decided to take a 3 week break from the Modafinil. I've had absolutely zero improvement in symptoms.
Im about to make my appointment to swap the IUDS, but I'm just so frustrated with the care I've recieved.
I understand my weight loss isn't that significant, but for someone like me who has a very consistent weight and a very active lifestyle, it is for me. I can't function how I need to, and my symptoms are interfering with my life significantly. I still have no idea if its PCOS or endometriosis, but I feel my symptoms better align with endo.
Is there any advice anyone can give me going forward? I'm terrified the pain is going to come back after swapping these IUDs, as the pain is so bad I can't handle it twice a month. I can't continue not eating either.
Thank you to anyone who got this far

Homeworld 3 is on track to becoming my least favorite HW game. Is it terrible? No. Is it great? Also no. Is it *good*? Eeeh... also no, not really. But it's also not bad. It's very mid.
Homeworld 3 *definitely* does not have the original’s gripping story or sense of mystery and player freedom.
It also does not have Cataclysm’s incredibly rewarding rags-to-riches feeling.
It also also does not have Homeworld 2’s polished gameplay.
And it also does not have Desert’s of Kharak fresh new take on the genre and franchise.
It’s okay. That’s about it.
Visuals and UI
It's stunningly beautiful, like every HW game. Space is gorgeous, filled with visual spectacle and lovingly detailed ships and environments (though frankly, space battles in this game are visually far less impressive than any previous installment). I'm not a sound guy so I have very little to say except that for my money the sound design is actually more impressive than the graphics. Everything from explosions to weapon effects to the background chatter sounds lovely.
UI is clunky as hell, I'm about six hours in and I'm still not friends with the camera and I can never orient myself quickly. Ships often feel like they're not responding to orders – I might be wrong, but I find myself going back to double-check that I definitely ordered those corvettes to guard that frigate etc. It feels much more micro-managey than previous installments.
Gameplay
Lots of features introduced in HW2 are gone: Fighters and corvettes no longer belong to squads, you’re back to each fighter being an individual unit. Modules are gone – you don’t build certain types of sensors or research modules or cloaks or fire control modules etc. I’ve not played around with carriers much yet but it seems they also come out of the construction bay completely finished, without any additions you can make, unlike in HW2 where you could specialize them. If there is an equivalent to the Research Module from HW1 or any other way to affect research speed or to give you more options the game hasn't introduced it yet (I'm on mission 8).
The number of units in the game also seems a little disappointing. I've unlocked three types of fighters, four types of frigates and at least one capital ship but only one type of corvette? Leads me to believe there only is one type, which would be very disappointing.
Minor detail but the ship design is for the most part really dull, too. Even quite closely zoomed in it's hard to distinguish one ship from another - their silhouettes just blend together.
In short, HW3 has less choices you can make and much more to keep you constantly busy.
The game takes a lot of liberties with player agency: They've opted to remove the option to let you decide when you’re done with one level and proceed to the next. Unlike previous games (at least unlike HW1 and Cata) once you complete the last mission objective you enter a cutscene and the level ends. No time to gather resources or replace casualties taken.
One of the missions also takes a break for the Mothership to be repaired off-screen and when you are put back into control the game gives you a bunch of mine-laying corvettes, defense turrets and a carrier - units you've not researched, not built and that the game decided you should have for the next mission. The mission after that provides you with a small fleet of ships to conduct a raid – you have no hand in selecting these ships, they’re not taken from your own fleet, they’re just magicked into existence because the game decided you needed them for the story. I've been told there's a custom difficulty setting that changes this - why in the hell you make that setting the default is beyond me.
Disappointing for a game series that used to let you build your own fleet more or less uninstructed and make it work (or not) on your own terms.
In 1998 this gameplay was fine (although better executed) and in 2003 the sequel gave it a much-needed polish that honestly holds up OK to this day, imo. But HW3 has regressed back to what HW1 did in ’98 and then stripped off some of the polish so beware this plays like a very dated game.
Story
The story is a bit messy - though this isn't entirely its fault. HW2 already made a mess of the story of this world. The motivation for you being in control of *another* mothership and once again being given a mighty starting host of a Resource Collector and five scouts despite the Hiigarans by now being major galactic player is no more or less ham-fisted than it was in HW2. HW2 was the game who leaned fully into mysticism and Chosen One prophecies and muddled up the genre, can't really blame HW3 for not course-correcting.
However the game is *way* too in love with exposition dumping. One mission involves navigating the Mothership through an asteroid field and am not kidding when I say that playing through the mission only took marginally longer than the cutscene once I reached the end. It was five minutes if not more. The cutscenes are gorgeous and the voice acting great, but they end up becoming more distracting than rewarding. They also do not go at all for the classic Homeworld look, nor do they attempt for a twist on them like Deserts of Kharak; they’re just pre-rendered full-on cutscenes with people carrying out full conversations to advance the plot.
Honestly I half-expected for there to be a dialogue wheel after a while. The plot is fairly unsurprising so far. Everything is just very predictable and uninspired.
The story focuses on Imogen S'Jet, a descendant of Karan S'Jet. I didn't mind this switch in narrative to follow single individuals so clearly in Deserts of Kharak because that game felt so different overall (in a good way, I very much enjoyed DoK); a prequel not set in space exploring Kushan society rather than Hiigaran society like Cata did. But in a full-blown 'proper' Homeworld game I much prefer the inner workings of the ships to be a little more mysterious and up to the imagination, and for the story to follow the epic tale of *a people*, not of *persons*.
Conclusion
I backed this game on Fig years ago and I’m glad I did – if I’d paid €59 for it now and gotten it in the state it’s in I’d have felt cheated. I can’t comment on the Multiplayer or the War Mode – I only really play HW for the Singleplayer Campaigns.
Fans of Homeworld *might* enjoy it if they go in with low expectations. New players will probably find this game enjoyable enough, if a little basic and clunky to play. Neither should pay €59 for it, though.
Presentation - stunning. Gameplay – disappointing. Story - meh. 6/10

Hi i'm kind of desperate so I'm talking here since I'm about to be 18 and my whole life has felt useless and bleak and nothing in my life seems to ever be changing for the better and I just wanted, idk, advice or words from strangers on the internet since nobody in my actual life seems to care. So the issue with me is, I've been depressed since six, never learned any practical skills, I have no talents, no friends really, I used to be a gifted kid but my depression got so severe I absolutely butchered my shot at ever redeeming my GPA and getting into a good school, I have no prospects or interests, and I'm never happy no matter what. i feel like the stupidest, ugliest most useless girl in the world and i have no idea how to carry myself into adulthood. it seems like everybody else my age is in on some inside joke that i'm excluded from. and i know how pathetic this all sounds in the grand scheme of things because people are literally dying in palestine and some white girl is sad because her parents neglect her. so I guess i just want somebody to tell me what to do. how to make this all feel better or give me a resource that can help or school programs/recommendations because i'm so fucking clueless. i know there isn't a cure for depression but everyday feels like i'm just waiting for myself to hit a low point and attempt again. sorry this is a rant but im desperate for positive attention and for somebody to tell me what to do

Can I ask for some advice about something? What would you do if you are in my place. my best friend let's call her Ruby. Ruby moved about two years ago now, she was going to come back and visit for graduation week and wanted the friend group to hang out like we used to, when i told her i didn't believe it would be possible she has continued to push for us to all hang out. I finally told her the reason that it would not work out she completely ignored me. Now the reason the friend group hanging like we used to won't work out is because this ex friend of mine who I'll call cici randomly after a school essay I wrote quite talking to me and started to spread rumors about me the essay was supposed to carry so sort of theme that means somthing to us so I wrote mine on how it can feel to be in the middle of a friend group that is arguing and not knowing what to do. I will copy and past the essay below the rest of the story. After I turn the essay in cici somehow gets a hold of it and spins it to sound like I'm attacking her and im bullying her and so for the month of February everyone ignores me which really hurt because I had no idea why as they just on day started to ignore me it also was my birthday that month and I had no one to share it with. After a while lila,Taylor and Sara realize what happened and apologized for what they did and I quite trying to communicate with cici. After I quite reaching out to her and trying to protect a dying fire my mental health improves to a point where not only I noticed but my teachers noticed also. Back to my earlier topic I told ruby that I refuse to hang out with cici because she has been treating me like shit and my parents won't even let me see/talk to her outside a school sanctioned event because at are very last sleep over before she she started to ignore me almost ended with me In the hospital because her brother threatened me with a knife and their dog attacked me because i used self defense to get the knife from her brother. During this sleepover cici's parents were awar of what happened and didn't tell my mom so after that I wasn't allowed back to their house. Even after all that I still tried to keep that friendship alive if not only because I cared for cici but also for ruby. Still despite all these reasons ruby refused to split her time between us and Is no longer coming. AITAH for refusing to hang out with someone who has betrayed my trust and put me in a dangerous situation just because my friend who moved away wants us to hang out together?
Here is the essay
Just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand. A few days after spring break in 8th grade my friend Cici started hanging out with a girl that the rest of our friend group doesn’t like because she is mean and rude. So we told her what we thought of this girl and that she could hang out with her but we didn’t want to be near a person like that, however Cici did not listen and kept inviting her to hang out with us. My other friend Sara was starting to get really upset because this girl was calling her names and bullying her. This same girl had also left intentional bruises on my body because I told her I already had a partner in pe. Finally, after months and months of off and on fighting it was the last day of school. Sara had finally had enough of how the girl had treated us and snapped as she listed off all the hateful and violent things that this girl had done to me, Lila, Ruby some of our other friends. The girl then started to ball saying how all of us are liars and cici shouldn'tlisten to us about anything that we say. During this entire situation I stayed quiet and listened to what the others had to say, because I wanted to say something but didn't know what to say to fix the situation.For weeks after that cici and sara refused to talk to each other, until I finally managed to get them to both apologize. Then for a while after that everything seemed good. A new girl who I will call Tyler moved to town and we basically absorbed her into the friend group. Things were going well until about four weeks into our ninth grade year. Sara started to be exceedingly hostile the rude girl Cici had been hanging out with sense last year, Which caused fighting to break out. So then Sara started to distance herself from us to hang out with a guy who i also used to consider a friend i will call him jem. Now the reasonme and jem are no longer friendsis becausehe told my to off myself several times over the course of about two months.So as they are hanging out jem is also constantly flirting with her, so we make a joke that they were dating. This caused sara to explode at everyone in the group chat. When she texted in the group chat she directed all of the texts about it to Cici and when I confessed that it was me who was made and the joke she proceeded to say that it was Cici’s fault and that it “ IS NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT!! You know what I think of rumors and dating.” We all replied saying it didn't mean for it to be a big deal and we weren't making fun of her that it was only a joke. Sara proceeded to snap back “If we are in relationships with guys, it's not something to joke about. When other people believe it, then it's too much.” So in response Ruby answered with “You literally would make fun of me and my old boyfriend tim back when we were dating.” Then Lila added, “Yeah you make me feel like crap about me and Carl all the time and guess what you coming after Cici being a jerk to Cici for everything saying that everything that everything the "rude girl" knows and does is because of her. There's also the fact that when you tease and make fun of us we are supposed to deal with it, but when we do it to you we are rude horrible people." Sara’s only response to that was “You guys never said that you weren't ok with it. You just need to tell us, and we will stop. No one ever said anything, so we thought it was ok.” I responded with “who is the we in this situation, because I told people to stop when they crossed a boundary and that one of the only people who never listened or apologized for it was lila. I haven't even taken anybody's side throughout this whole situation” after I say this, Sara goes off again. “I'm done ok. Just leave me out of all this. Be your own friend group. I'll be a singular person, and then I won't have to be a burden to anyone. Sorry I was such a bad friend. Also I don't want any pity.” At this point everyone is annoyed and tired of this situation so Ruby speaks up again telling Sara that she is not the main character and to grow up, and that she started it. After this Sara separates herself from us and as a week turns to two weeks then two weeks turns into a month. Between all of the fighting, homework, sports, and everyday stress I start to become irritable and snappy because no matter how much I try to stay neutral to keep peace, Sara and Cici are always fighting. So one time when the fighting over text picks up again I end up snapping at my family and yelling something at them that everyone would probably be happier if i just died. The next day I tried to act like everything was fine. I ended up making it until PE where I ended up breaking down infront of my teacher and skipping school for the rest of the day in the office crying my eyes out to the guidance counselor. I told her everything that happened and that sometimes when I tell my friends things I don't like or feel comfortable with, they sometimes will forget or ignore what i say. Which always makes me angry or sad because I always take the time to understand and respect my friends boundaries. that's when I realized that just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand. Despite that fact I will always respect others boundaries even if they don’t respect mine and I will always remind others of my boundaries or distance myself from them. Just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand and just because you can/want to say or do something hurtful doesn’t mean that you should. Know where to darw the line.

I have three cats and let me tell you two of them are angels in the box. Dig a little hole, go, cover it, shake legs, and carry on with day.
But the THIRD is determined to ruin my day. He doesn’t cover his shit, EVER. He pees all over the side of the litter box. Doesn’t try to cover that either. The litter literally clumps and turns into a smelly thick clay. It’s disgusting. Then he “digs” but that’s just patting the floor lol.
Does anyone have any tips? His diet is A1. Mostly wet food. He is overweight. Overall it fucking smells please tell me how to remedy this my other two cats could use the bathroom all day 10x10 room door shut and it smells fine but as soon as he goes in there he gasses the ENTIRE place up.

I have a 10, soon to be 11 year old, long haired chihuahua. She’s itty bitty. The smallest of my chihuahuas and the smallest I’ve ever seen. To start, she’s always been a bit odd - carries a sock around to calm her anxieties and excitement, full body happy wiggles nearly all the time, growls and grumbles and grunts at you when you talk to her. She’s simply silly. She’s all hair and four little toothpick legs.
Full of personality and can’t imagine a life without her little self in it. But I found out she has a stage 5 heart murmur and the vet put her on Lasix in hopes that it doesn’t progress. It’s very recent. Like two weeks recent with being on medication. I’ve been trying to give it time to show that it’s working…yet I’ve noticed her cough has become so much worse. Like a LOT worse. This is my first dog with a heart murmur. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or what I’m looking out for. I don’t know what to expect. The vet explained so much about her condition but I feel like I tapped out of the conversation and I felt overwhelmed the second I heard heart failure. I was offered Lasix to help her and I accepted immediately. Has anyone ever put their dog on Lasix? Does the cough always get worse before it gets better or should I most definitely call the vet and take her back in? She’s still eating and drinking and moving around being happy. Her cough just seems much more severe and persistent.

My wife and I are pretty mild mannered people. We rarely raise our voices but we aren’t push overs and use logic to win our arguments with each other and other adults.
Our 3.5yo daughter pushes us to the limit. On almost everything, everyday. It’s like she is wired to always have her way and although we keep reiterating the rules to her and stand firm and don’t always give her what she wants unless it makes sense (for example eating snacks before dinner) she knows this and goes for it anyway. And we don’t think we have unreasonable rules (mostly around not eating junk food, and going to bathe and sleep around 9pm).
For example, it’s a war every night. Even if she’s about to pass out in the hallway on the floor a he goes nuclear at the thought of actually sleeping in her bed (once she does she sleeps the entire night and even oversleeps in the morning!). We tried to be as patient as possible and give her the time she needs, but she will literally fight until past midnight.
I feel like some days were so exhausted by the battle that I will literally just carry her into the shower myself screaming bloody murder. It’s either that or wait until midnight for the tantrum to be over.
And it happens on other things too, but don’t want to type on forever.
I don’t know where this comes from and what to do. We are at our wits end. Should I be more harsh on her physically if the patience and logic doesn’t work? Will I harm our relationship if I match her nuclear power? What can I do to keep ourselves sane and at the same time get what we need to get done? Help!

hii take 2 haha (hmu only if looking for a long term thing)
hellooo! shooting my shot here :> pls be nice and WHOLESOME AND SFW lang pls! let’s go on cute picnic dates or study dates? food crawl in different parts of the metro or just coexist on discord calls in silence :) looking for a long term thing (like a constant study bud?)
abt me: - 22, F, third year education student, 170cm, mestiza (if that matters), and normal bmi. looks maybe 5/10 and 7/10 on a good day xd
personality - a social butterfly - loves taking pictures of the sky - super empath 😔 - social batt never dies - sings sometimes - does not require too much attention - can cook - loves pets
pros of dating me: - parents r not strict - willing to split the bill on some dates - respects ur time - is a chameleon, whatever u love to do, i will learn to love or support u :>
cons: - loves matcha a lil too much - broke college student - tamad and slow replies most of the time (im sorry in adv)
about u (not required, just a pref): - knows how to carry a conversation - speaks good english - has both kanal and aircon humour
non nego: - knows about social issues - has hatred towards the ph govt
sorry ang dami!! send a fun n punchy intro together with a pic of u :> see u in the dms ^{_^}

I am planning on traveling to japan with my friends in the near future. My girlfriends and I are planning on traveling pretty light with just a carry on to get there. That way it’s easier to move about and we can bring back stuff that we buy as our checked luggage. However, I would hate to pack too light, anticipating on buying clothes there, just to have nothing fit us XD.
So I was wondering, what is in general a safe measurement range to find clothes relatively easily in Japan? Are there specific clothing items that you find are harder to find that fit? I’ve heard that undergarments, pants, and shoes can be the most difficult to find for foreigners. I would love to hear from both men and women as it’ll be a mixed group!

I just cannot do it anymore. Between all the drama my one coworker does, and then my boss who constantly nit-picks everything I do, I just can’t. I feel like im 10 feet under water gasping for air that’s 5 inches away. I do a lot for my store and my boss always picks out the mistakes and never sees the good in anything I do. It’s also like my boss and the drama girl have become this clique. If the drama girl spots anything I’ve done wrong she will send photos to my boss and then my boss will blow up my phone either on my days off or when I’m busy which makes me feel overwhelmed. I don’t have any ill intention for anything I do but it seems like no matter what I’ll never make anyone happy. I wish there was a store manager out there that would just be happy I show up on time, I work and that’s all. My store manager has too high of expectations for me and I try to meet them but again, I’m gasping for air. She’s asking me to be Atlas and carry the world on my shoulders. I just can’t. I’m tired and I want appreciation. I just wish I could make someone happy.

Although I have posted before, with the upcoming memorial, I just wanted to say a few things:

1. I am jealous of those who get to attend, although I hope your travels are safe and free of any encounters with the demon known as Grandma Sparkles.
   
2. For those able to attend, please carry with you the appreciation and gratitude of those who are not able to attend, and let the energy with which we all possess radiate through the memorial
   
3. Most importantly, for u/myboymitten, please know and remember how much an impact your son has had upon us all. I cannot imagine the grief one must encounter with losing a child, but please find solace in what he has instilled in a community that continues to embody his legacy. My hope is that the memorial is even more than you could ever imagine, so that you may physically see the impact your son had during his time on earth.
   

For all of us who appreciate mitten for who he was, I say thank you. We all have to find an outlet, something to get us through the day to day weariness of life, and many nights (at least for me) it was the nasally voice of the one we knew as Paul to ease us into a world that wasn't as difficult as the one we face on a daily basis.
Thank you again, Mitten. Forever and for always.

Hi all,
I normally feel confident with anything personal finance related (I have an economics degree) but for the first time I am in enough uncharted territory I would like to gather the opinion of strangers. To start, I am a 28 year old data analytics consultant grossing 115k/year + bonus. I never carry a credit balance more than a month and my only debt is 25k in student loans I have refinanced down to 3.5%. I have no spouse, no children, and am not responsible to anyone but myself. I have $15k between my checking and a high yield savings, $20k in a brokerage, and $60k in my 401k.
I currently rent a 3 bed 3 bath rowhome in a major east coast city. The house is old but was completely renovated after my landlord bought it in 2018. Since he acquired the property, he replaced the roof, replaced the furnace, replaced the water heater, redid the kitchen cabinets and countertops, and basically renovated every single room. I have lived here 3 years and have not had any major issues. The neighborhood is also gentrifying super fast with multiple apartments going up within a few block radius within the past year.
I sublet to two roommates. I have the largest bedroom with a master bath as the owner of the lease but we all pay $1200/month so the total rent paid on the property comes out to $3600/month. My landlord is getting divorced and is selling the property to help finance that. He informed us we have to be out in 60 days. I asked what the selling price is and after some negotiation I got a decent offer. I also negotiated to have all the appliances, and all furniture in the house kept upon sale.
I then applied for a mortgage and was approved for a loan that comes out to $3400/month. I told my roommates of the situation and offered a deal where I would keep the rent the same for 1 year if they agreed to stay for a year if I purchase the property. They agreed so I thus would get $2400/month in rent from them alone and I would only be on the hook for the other $1000.
So essentially, I would become owner of the property with my portion and all my roommates rent remaining at or roughly the same, I keep all the furniture, and roughly breakeven on profit. I finally get some mortgage interest to write off and begin to build equity. As soon as interest rates drop, ill refinance and have the payment on the house go down.
After running the numbers, everything about the situation says to f*cking do it! Is there anything I am missing? This seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity and home ownership much earlier than I anticipated. It really seems like it would be more of a pain to move out and find somewhere else to rent than do a background transaction and just stay here. Once again, what am I missing here?

I know the locker room is the place where it is acceptable to be naked while you are taking a shower or change your clothes. No one is going to question your behavior. Most would just look the other way. But, what I have witnessed is that older men seems to be so carefree with nudity. They would be naked in front of their friends carrying on a converstion without any embarrassment. Covering up is not an option.

My credit card due date is every month on the 14th (today is the 14th). I wanted to know at what time can i use my credit card again as to not be penalized? (first time having a credit card, confused) Just to be clear, i’ve paid back all i’ve spent, so i’m currently not carrying a balance.

I currently (40M) had my ex (35F) completely destroy our relationship while I was working out of town for a few months. This happened a year ago and wish I had these stories as a resource while going through it. I have just started to use Reddit and been reading the experiences of others here and have decided to share my story in hopes it will maybe help others. That way some good may come from some of the worst times of my life.
A little backstory for context for the story and insight to some of the decisions I made. When I turned 30 I left the major city in my Province (it is like a state if you are an American) because buying just a simple house is over a million dollars and I don't make near enough to afford that. My goal was to move to somewhere more rural to buy a house, meet someone, get married and have a child or two. It was my only dream I had and believed I could attain it. I lived out in the bush on my step dads property in a run down trailer I bought so I could save money for the first 3 years. I had my dog but the loneliness of living in the middle of nowhere had got to me. By then I had saved a fair amount of money, so I decided to move into the town. It was nice, it cut my commute down by 40 minutes, I had started to make a few friends and no longer felt so isolated. It was through my friends I met my future ex. Let's call her Kali. She had a long term boyfriend when we first met. Their relationship ended a couple of years after meeting her and we started dating a few months after.
We mostly had a great relationship for the next 4 years. The only thing was it was on again off again. She would dump me after I did anything really special for her for a week and beg me to take her back. It was like clockwork. I used to think it was because of her depression and that she didn't believe she deserved to be truly happy. Nowadays I actually think she might have been cheating the whole time and just felt guilty about it when I did nice stuff for her but I will never know the truth. I don't care what the reality is anymore anyway, Time has a funny way of making stuff like that irrelevant. We did have one bigger break of about 5 months. When it happened I took time off work to travel in my RV the whole time. From spring to summer. I really didn't like the town I lived in and decided to use that time to check out the rest of my Provence to figure out where I wanted to restart my life. She was basically the only reason I stayed for so long. I did have a decent job and family close by but most people I met there were not good people. Lots of drug users, liars, and general scumbags. I had only a few real friends there. After I got back and had decided where I was going to move to she had decided she wanted me back. She begged me to stay and be with her. She told me that she wanted to get serious. We started making real progress about getting married, having kids and looking at buying a house. Everything was coming up Milhouse and I couldn't be happier. So You can probably guess this is when my tale becomes interesting for you and life got real bad for me.
My career is seasonal. I work from spring to the end of fall and can go on unemployment insurance or find work. My dad had asked if I could help on his farm breeding horses that winter when I had still planned to leave my town. I had promised him that I would because it would give me a place to stay before people in my field of work would be looking for employees. This had been agreed upon before me and Kali had got back together. Now I have always been a man of my word. It's something I take great pride in. I have always hated liars. I don't mind a little embellishment to make a story more fun or if two people's stories are different as long as they both believe that was how the events happened. Everyone remembers things slightly off. She was upset that I had intended to keep my word to my dad but I had every second weekend off. The town my dad is in was only a 2 hour drive. So I told her I would be back twice monthly for weekends and that it would only be for 4 months. For the first two months everything seemed fine. During this time I started to look at rings to pop the question and booked an expensive spa for two days in May to propose. There was only one weird thing that happened during the first two months. On one of my visits she confided in me that her brother's wife had cheated on him and that their newborn baby was most likely not his. I was shocked that she not only knew but didn't plan to tell him. She said she didn't want to tell him for fear of breaking up the family. I told her that he has the right to know and that she was being a bad sister by knowing and not telling him. I also informed her if he found out she knew and didn't say anything that he would most likely kick her out of his life. She made me swear I wouldn't tell him. Even though I thought it was wrong I did agree to not say anything. It did get me wondering how she could not only not tell him but stay friends with someone that could do that to her brother. I think that's when I started to question her morals. The third month she asked that I didn't come out because she was "sick". I told her I didn't care, I could still come out and take care of her. She convinced me that she didn't want me to come so I just worked on the farm instead. I switched weekends so I could come out the next instead of in two weekends. The weekend she was "sick" her phone was off the whole time, lasting into the week. She told me her phone went through the washing machine. She was actually on a bender but I didn't learn that till later.
So I head out the following weekend. As soon as I arrive I start getting super sketchy vibes. I was already weirded out about the stuff with her brother and ghosting me for 4 days as we talked/texted multiple times a day normally. At first she acts great to me, cooks me steak and we go out to the bush to have a fire in the snow. At the fire she really started drinking heavily. She then mentions a guy she had been hanging with lets call him Brad. So alarm bells start going through my head. We go back to her house and she keeps drinking. I wanted to keep a clear head so I only had three beers all evening. She put her phone down unlocked because of how drunk she was and I took it to the bathroom with me to look up texts between them. I felt so guilty for doing it at first but once I see the text between the two of them the guilt is replaced with rage. I go to her room to confront her and she breaks down. First, how dare I go through her phone, this never would have happened if I would have broken my promise to my dad, nothing really happened between them, blah, blah, blah. I was furious and drove off. She blows up my phone the whole time. I don't answer. Ten minutes after I left her mother called me. She lives at her moms house. I took the call and her mom said she is freaking out and has harmed herself. I decide to go back and she has a bandage wrapped around her arm. Her mom hid all the sharp objects she could find. She was having a full on panic attack and begs me to not leave. I told her I would stay if she told me the truth. She admits to hooking up with him one time just that last weekend when she asked me not to come out. It kind of matches the messages and I believe her. I stay there till she falls asleep. Once she does I send Brad a text saying that she has a boyfriend with some screen shots of our conversations me and her have had that week. I was about to drive back to the farm when the dude called her phone. I pick up the call and tell him I am her boyfriend. He asks if that was a joke and I assure him it is not. He said he didn't know and actually apologized. I tell him that I'm pissed but if he didn't know I couldn't blame him. I should have asked him more questions but I was tired, not thinking straight and just wanted to go back to the Farm even though it was two am by this point. I get home and crash. Turned my ringer off because I know once she wakes up she will start calling like crazy. After getting the horses in for the night I decided to look at my phone for the first time all day. Around thirty missed calls and a ton of texts. I decide I need another day before I talk to her. Now while the whole day all I can think about is that it was just one time, she seems to be genuinely remorseful about it, how I'm 39 and really want children before I get too old. I took a call from her the next day on Sunday in the morning. She is still wasted. She hadn't stopped drinking since I was there Friday. We talk and I tell her that I am really upset but am willing to give us another chance. I still was in love with her and wanted to have kids, get married and buy a house with her. It was the dream I felt I worked so hard for. She was so happy I took her back and swore to me nothing like this would ever happen again. Basically I was a fool lol.
So I decided on my next set of days off to borrow my stepdads summer home on the river so we can have the place to ourselves. I grab food that she loves so I can cook her dinner and try to make it very romantic. I want to rekindle my love with her so I wanted to go all out on an amazing weekend. I pick her up and she is already a little drunk. I kind of wanted to hang sober but I don't wanna mess up with her so don't say anything thinking we can do a sober day when I take her out to go shopping and dinner the next day. When we get there she gets hammered. Kali had brought a big of bottle fireball on top of a bunch of white claws. I again didn't really drink that night. Once she was drunk and tired I carried her to the bed. As Kali is in my arms she looks up at me and says in slurred words "I don't know why you even felt threatened by Joe" I ask "what did you just say?". "I don't know why you even felt threatened by Brad" she replied. I put her to bed and my mind starts racing. Now her ex before me has a really close name to the one she said first but I also know she has a friend named Joe I only met a couple of times. They were not close or even hung out but were more like acquaintances. I go in her purse to look at her phone again but the battery is dead and I can't find her charger. I have an Iphone so I can't charge it up to look. I didn't sleep that well that night with everything going on in my head. I woke up at 6 am to her being very loud on the phone. I went out to the living room and she had drank all the booze left over from the night before. I ask her who she was on the phone with and she tells me an uber to leave. I ask why is she going to leave? Kali tells me she is upset that I tried to get into her phone. Guess I didn't put it back in her purse. Must have been out of sorts and forgot. I tell her I can drive her once I go to the washroom and get some clothes on. I go to do that, come out of the washroom to see Kali has already left. She was so drunk that she had left half her stuff behind. I decided to have breakfast before bringing her stuff to her house. After breakfast I packed her stuff into my SUV and noticed it had snowed that night. I could see her footprints out into the driveway. While Dropping off her stuff I noticed there were no footprints leading to her house, so I tried calling Kali. No answer. I left her stuff in the snow and decided to drive by her brothers and sisters house to see if there were footprints going into any of their houses but there were none. I sent her a nasty text about knowing she didn't go home, to go be with Brad or Joe or whoever and never call me again. It was a lot more profane than that but that's the gist of it. Cleaned up the house my stepdad lent me and back off to the farm yet again. The next day she blows up my phone and again I wait another day to talk to her. She tells me that she went home but I know that can't be true from the snow, but she says I must have been mistaken. She apologizes for getting drunk and leavening and that she is going to stop drinking after her birthday in two weeks. She has rented a hotel in the town I'm in for her birthday and wants to spend it with me. I agree just because I have to know the truth and want to look at her phone to make sure I am not crazy. She had gaslit me to the point I was questioning what I saw with my own eyes. A couple of days later I decided to send Joe a message on Facebook to see if he would give me the truth. I get a text from her telling me not to bug her friend and that she is embarrassed. I apologize and tell her I am excited about her birthday soon.
The weekend of her birthday comes so I go to meet her at the hotel. She brought her sister and other friend along. It actually is a really fun time. The girls did coke the first night into the second evening. I don't really like it but I figured she can let loose especially if she is going to stop drinking after her birthday. I also knew by Saturday night that they would all crash hard so it would give me time to look at her phone so I could know the truth. As I mentioned the weekend was really fun so I felt bad about going into her phone yet again. I did it anyway and my whole world came crashing down. Now I figured that I would maybe see Brad or Joe texts and Facebook messages. Seemed like Brad was done but Joe and her were totally hooking up. I also found out that she had slept with 3 other guys. I also saw she was using coke all the time now. She did it maybe three times a year when we dated but now it was every weekend. It looked like she started using regularly right before I left for the farm. Joe helped get it for her too, out of all the guys he was the one she hung with the most. Turns out he was also a meth head who was trying to quit for her. She also went to his house the morning she left the other weekend to hook up and buy coke. I was floored. I just staired and took screen shots till the early morning. I decided I wasn't just going to dump her but I wanted to ruin her life not realizing she was already doing that all by herself but hindsight is 20 20. So I started coming up with a plan of what I was going to do. I woke up the next morning and acted like everything was fine and went back to the farm. I was still so upset and didn't want to harm myself or others so had a family friend take my firearms for a while. I don't think I would have used them on myself or others but I knew I wasn't thinking clearly and didn't want them in my house while I was like that.
I didn't have to see her till I moved back because the next set I had off I had tickets for a concert in the city I used to live in. During that time all I thought about was how I was going to do something to ruin her life. I came up with some small things but my main plan was to pretend like we were fine and ghost her when my contract was up with my boss next winter. I had promised him another year after kali and I had gotten back together. Just typing it out makes me look back and cringe that I was so crazy. When I went to the city for the concert I told my best friend, my brother and a few others my plan. No one liked it and thought I should just go no contact, cut her straight out of my life. That probably was the smart thing to do but emotion was clouding my judgement. Also you all would get this story. They even informed me that because I would be lying to her, that I would be compromising my morals and turning into a worse person they didn't recognize. I either didn't see it that way or care. I have a hard time recalling what my brain was thinking during that time. All seems like a haze now that it's been a year. I think I was really upset that my dream and all I had worked for was ruined. A friend later said I may have been in love with the dream and not her. Maybe that's the reason I kept up all this insanity.
My time on the farm had come to an end and I was moving back to the town me and my ex lived in. I was set with my plan, excited to implement it and have what I considered just. But you know what they say of the best laid plans. My ex wanted to go to hang at her brothers as a welcome home party. I went but ended up drinking. Heavily drinking, to the point of black out. I don't remember much from that night but have had it recounted for me. I woke up in the drunk tank. Guess I couldn't lie and play it cool then huh? The story I was told later is, while at her brothers I had gotten drunk and loud. Kept waking up the new baby and we were asked to leave. So we caught a cab and I confronted her in the cab but all I could do was call her a lying, cheating, whore on repeat. She got upset and ran into the house locking me out. I had a bunch of my stuff in her house so I went to the door and demanded she let me in. All the while still only referring to her as the aforementioned 3 words. She told me to leave but my jacket and wallet were inside. It was below freezing at night still and probably wouldn't have made it home in the state I was in. I then kicked in her door to keep calling her LCW and grab my stuff. She was on the phone to the police, so I was taken away by them. One of the lowest points in my life. It still brings me so much shame to this day but it is what happened and I am not going to sugar coat it. I never laid a finger on her and I am so happy that I hadn't. Laying hands on women in that way is one of the scummiest things a man can do. I had to go back to her house once they let me out because my stuff was still there. I apologized to her mom who had been at her boyfriends that evening promising to repair the door for her. Kali begged me to talk to her and like an idiot I didn't just leave. I told her I saw everything and she only admitted to Brad and Joe. Lying about them and the others the whole time. Even when I brought up the screen shots she still couldn't come clean. I left just shaking my head. There is still a ton to this story but this is long enough. I could do a part 2 if there is interest. Catching you folks up to where I am now and the messed up things that happened in between.

(Apologies for the length)
So here is mine. I (37M) made the decision, earlier this year, to leave the company I co-founded a few years ago. I've since been re-prioritizing, working out and improving my health, eliminating stressors, and planning my next business moves (basically self-focus). Last Fall I reconnected with a close friend (32F) that I had lost most contact with for a few years.
We used to work together years before and became close quickly and easily. We were always naturally flirty and still are, and one day she opened up about her feelings for me to which I happily reciprocated. This is where the problems began. Reason being that years prior I had gone through about 3 subsequent relationships/situations that destroyed my trust and desire for being vulnerable romantically. I had just given up for the foreseeable future. This reveal from her occurred during this aftermath period and I was unable to process, comprehend, and alleviate doubts/fears appropriately, preventing me from communicating with her about it almost altogether. She persisted and was graciously cool about what I'm sure was confusing to her with my horrible communication abilities at the time. Eventually she moved on and we just remained friends, with her leaving for a new job not long after. She also entered a relationship with a mutual acquaintance soon after that (randomly, not because of our situation). She was happy and growing in her life and I found joy in that but my missteps haunted me since she moved on. I meant the reciprocation but knew then that I couldn't be what she deserved and refused to use her affection for my own happiness. I also knew that I owed her an explanation, as I couldn't stand for her to possibly think I found something wrong or undesirable about her, leading to my actions before. It just never felt appropriate to do while she was seeing someone.
FAST-FORWARD (Don't laugh too hard at that)...
After leaving the job myself and helping start a company and going my own direction, my feelings never waned off but I didn't dwell. Around 4-5 years had passed. I would see her randomly here and there, still in her relationship, and it was always nice. It was apparent she was excited by my presence and always made the effort to share a hug and some time talking. We have an incredibly solid friendship and banter base that will always be around. Despite that, the occasions she would be where I was became scarce and it was back to the usual. During the days leading up to my decision to leave the company, I just needed a trusted friend to talk to. I ran into a mutual friend of mine and hers and during the catch-up they mentioned they had hung out with her recently and that she had ended her relationship. Now, someone in my position would probably relish in that information. I'll admit I wasn't bummed by it. I realized, however, that I more just missed talking to her and felt I should reach out. So I did.
Now we are caught up (It annoys me as well)...
Since last Fall we have been catching up and bantering better than ever and it has been great. The natural flirtation and everything has been there but more in-line with where we are now in life. She had mentioned her breakup during the initial reconnect, but never mentioned anything further from her end nor inquired about my status. We just focused on the stellar conversation and regained contact. I knew my feelings never went anywhere and they just became more enhanced as we kept talking (only via text to this point). I knew the possibility that she was seeing someone else was there but didn't really care. I wasn't much to expect her to consider letting her guard down a second time with me, especially without having spoken about what happened before. After much thought, I made certain I was sure of how I was feeling about myself, her, and the situation and texted her about meeting up. She was very excited to do so and we set up a plan and ended up meeting recently. I was just purely excited to see her again in-person, but the obvious hopes and desires we as people have are always there. I knew part of me would be gauging it all to see where we both stand.
It was a fantastic meet up but she did mention her breakup quite early on and also that she was dating someone currently. It did NOT hit me like bricks or whatever saying applies. It wasn't great to hear for that part of me that was hoping, but I knew it could be a thing going in. The real impact was the reevaluation of much of the previous conversations we had made, with before having no knowledge of her dating someone during so. It never got out of hand, just that natural flirtation and sharing of trusted information that can seem to have dual tonality to them. You just never know until you know. The evening carried on and we kept bonding really well and having a great time as friends (the tone it needed to take). I'll mention that this person is an amazing, generous, loyal, independent, and confident individual that overcame a lot of insecurities in life (like so many of us do or hope to do), and has incredible integrity. She would not intentionally disrespect the person she is dating. One of her many admirable qualities. We continued catching up and relocated to grab a bite to eat. During this portion we bonded on more things and I was finally honest with myself internally that I can't fight the fact that I do, in fact, love this person and it made me excited. I knew though that I had to now have that conversation about what happened in the past, which was long overdue and needed to happen before anything else could be broached.
I promise I'm going to wrap this up (I appreciate your patience if you got this far)...
It was now nighttime and a reasonable time to part ways. I knew my chance was now or never so I inquired if we could park for a second and chat. We did and I just went into it in the best way I could that respected her current situation (I feel too strongly and respect her too much to let my feelings disregard her boundaries). She listened and received it like a total boss, which is no surprise. Luckily it hadn't impacted her too poorly and the new knowledge alleviated any doubt she may have had about herself. I didn't really expect her to even remember it all anyhow. I just had to know she knew what happened and where I stood/stand. Human nature being what it is, I toed the line a few times with my words but I always made sure she knew I meant all due respect and meant it. Some things just build too much pressure when you hold on the them and they eventually get released. She was very reassuring that I was behaving and even revealed new information from her side of it back then and now. She allowed me to express everything I was able to within the boundaries present and was very kind about it. Obviously I had now revealed that I still maintained feelings for her amidst it all. I am not a pro on the subject of attraction, but I'm not an idiot either. The eyes and mouth can speak volumes, and I saw what I'm sure I subconsciously wanted to see. I knew I would run risk of breaching her trust if I persisted too far and I was feeling bad about keeping her out as late as it was, so I asked if I could make a couple inquiries that were appropriately worded. She agreed and I asked if after my idiocy back in the day when she approached me, was that where her feelings for me had stopped. She quickly and softly whispered "No.". I took that in and decided to ask, hypothetically, that if she had no attachments and I were to approach her, would I receive a half-way positive response. She had a slight pause and said "More than half-way.". Despite a heavy desire to explore further, I knew I shouldn't and by happenstance she got a phone call right after this. She said she needed to take it and it was her dad. I stepped out of the car but doing so I happened to notice the name on the dash screen (we had taken her car the the restaurant). I don't know her father personally or know his exact name, but it wasn't the one on the screen. I didn't and likely won't read into that too much, but thought I'd share it in here. Anyway, she handled the call quickly and got out to hug and say our goodbyes. We shared a long hug and exchanged thank yous and then found the opportunity to enact a fake threat of a gentle kidney goosing from some flirty banter a few days prior. She enjoyed it. We then parted ways asking each other to inform of their safe arrival home. Which we did.
So there you have it. Obviously there are many ways to dissect something like this. I feel we both behaved rather well even though I feel a bit of guilt and hope I haven't caused her any undue problems, as she is in a great place in life (mainly because of her personal and professional growth, not necessarily the dating). I also don't regret unburdening myself the way I did. I think we both deserved it for different reasons.
I suppose I'm just curious of your thoughts on it all. I'm doing alright after it all but know the dynamic is different now. She is likely juggling a thought or two just like I am, but we still talk as friends. She is content where she is but I could tell that, if perhaps the timing was different, we wouldn't hesitate to get together. I hold excitement at the thought but will not wait on chance. She is walking her path and me my own. Those paths may indeed converge one day, but her friendship is something I won't gamble away nor would she to mine. It also may never happen. These are the realities.
Thoughts/anybody else out there?
Thank you for your indulgence.

I've relearned that I want to be alive but even though I'm living, I don't feel completely alive. I have a close friendship with someone online who calls themself my best friend but I feel distant to them because they're amab, we can't relate to each other on a deeper level solely because I'm a csa victim and they're not, and they have parents and I don't. They can't understand what pain I deal with on a daily basis and it makes me feel so lonely even though I love them very much and I love spending time with them, it just hurts that we can't be closer because of something out of my control. Nightmares, hypersexuality, isolation, and a lack of understanding makes navigating the world painful. Losing my innocence makes growing up painful. Being lonely makes existing painful. I just want to feel better and I've been trying so hard but it's just so painful. I always wonder why I'm stuck fixing the parts of myself that're broken because of my own dad and the other men who've ruined who I used to be, and not them. Even an apology especially from my dad would mean so much to me. But he never once attempted to reach out. The moment he learned he couldn't touch me anymore, he didn't even want me. It makes life very hard when I know I'll be carrying all this forever.

How many carriers do you own? I thought it was ridiculous that people on BST groups had "stashes", and now I own six!! I feel like they all have distinct purposes that I like them for. Plus I absolutely love carrying him and am soaking it up while it lasts.
Ergobaby Embrace: Absolutely loved this during the newborn stage. Cozy, cuddly, easy to put on. I wore it a bit too long after he outgrew it.
Integra Solar: Love this one. Ultra lightweight, perfect for warmer weather. The hood snaps into the shoulder straps, making it really secure and sun-protective. The side buckles are a little big, but otherwise love this one. The waistband is just thick webbing.
Ergobaby Omni: I wear this one hiking, I can wear it for hours and not get sore or uncomfortable. It's kind of bulky, but the support can't be beat. Love the lumbar support pad. Have recently started wearing it as a backpack too!
Sakura Bloom ring sling: Honestly haven't really got the hang of this yet. Started using it when my baby was older (5m), and I can see why people love it for little babies. I like having him in a hip carry, but I need more practice.
Sakura Bloom Scout (linen): My go-to for around the house, nice outings, or when we just want to be cozy and cuddly. Love how it it looks, and it's so comfy. I didn't get the leather or silk because I prefer low-maintenance. The hood design is lacking though, and I wish they offered silver hardware.
Sakura Bloom Onbuhimo: Quickly becoming a new favourite – back carry feels great and allows me to move a little more freely. First time getting him in and out were tricky, but I'm definitely getting faster. Haven't tried it in public yet (where I don't have a mirror or a bed just in case) but so far I love it.

This weekend, Ajax Budokan invited Kodokan 9th dan and former head of the Tokyo Police dojo, Michio Fukushima Sensei, to conduct a 4 hour clinic for Kodokan Goshin Jutsu. It was open to yellow belt and higher, though the majority consisted of Yudansha. My senseis had the honour of demoing the kata, as Fukushima Sensei's health did not permit presenting each technique multiple times, though he did show some of the finer details, demo mechanics, and gave comments as to what was good and displayed what could be fixed. He also talked about older versions of the techniques and how/ why they have been changed. Regretfully, it totally slipped my mind to film during the seminar, as there was a lot of good information, translated (and left untranslated) by the interpreter.
Some General Notes on Fukushima Sensei Fukushima Sensei on multiple occasions mentioned how one should carry themselves and move, more specifically he talked about how he usually sees toris get away with bad shisei as uke's attacks are generally to kind or passive, and that if they genuinely attacked, most toris would be off balance. Additionally he mentioned that a lot of IFJ competition now is power judo, where the technical aspects are replaced for brute force and speed.
The main note he makes is to keep the knees alive (slightly bent and bouncy like a spring), and that most novices have a tendency to straight leg their kata. He also made it a great point to explain the logic of the waza in the kata and how the kuzushi is created. Other important details he talked about were that uke shouldn't be a limp noodle once his attack is over, that tori should keep good sabaki (unclear if sabaki was short hand for tai sabaki as he also stated tai sabaki on different occasions (the details were paraphrased by the translator)), and the usage of rotation from the hips to maintain proper balance (tai sabaki). Additionally, he talked about things relating to karada (the body) and some anecdotes (such as stories about judoka such as Michigami, Isao Okano, and Nagaoka if I was hearing correctly, though I don't speak Japanese, only somewhat familiar with it), which were left untranslated or paraphrased sadly.
Emphasised details in the kata (not explanations or descriptions of how to do a technique) and my experiences (FYI Sensei mostly used the Tomiki names for the waza Tori applied)
Attacks when held

1. Ryote dori - my partner and I (both new to this kata for the most part) went in on this one and struggled as we didn't see the detail of thumb in hand for the lock (blind leading the blind, though we later worked near a kind pair after this who helped check more closely as they were experienced in the kata)
   1. Yahazu (hook shape for hand) is very important to direct uke's arm
   2. You aren't pulling the arm away to free it, you are pushing your elbow forward which pressures uke's arm
   3. Te gatana to the uto (point between uke's eyes)
   4. When applying the lock (te gatame), make sure to rotate uke's hand such that the fingers are pointing up
   5. When applying the lock, take the uke's arm in the direction perpendicular to the line made by his feet
2. Hidari eri dori - I particularly liked this one, though my uke was confused the first few times as he kept trying to apply waki gatame.
   1. Tori must grab underneath uke's hand on the lapel when stepping back
   2. When grabbing uke's hand to break the grip and apply the lock (kote hineri), tori should have his thumb in between uke's thumb and fingers, and to take the uke's arm in the direction perpendicular to the line made by his feet
   3. Uke should try to maintain jigo tai rather than lean so the lock is applied cleanly
   4. Tori's hand should not be limp when delivering the strike
3. Migi eri dori - I couldn't get kote gaeshi to work properly, will have to practice and ask my sensei about it later, same with my partner
   1. Tori should maintain a upright posture as uke pulls him forward, and use the landing of his foot to drive his hand for the uppercut to uke
   2. Tori should try to keep uke's hand attached to his centerline as he makes tai sabaki
4. Kata ude dori - My uke was very stiff, so applying the initial lock to him proved difficult, though he claims he felt it. I found this kata easy to remember as the legs go left right left right (step, step, tai sabaki, kick, then lead with the right for the lock)
   1. You are kicking with the side of the foot
   2. The step before the kick pivot around so your feet are almost parallel
   3. For waki gatame, you should be standing inside his feet, near parallel to the line perpendicular to his feet
5. Ushiro eri dori - I had experience with this one as sensei had taught during some free time a while back
   1. The parry with the arm was stated to also be the preferred way to receive punches, though take that as you will (though it is a common method in karate as well)
   2. The strike should be to the suigetsu (solar plexus)
   3. Trap uke's hand with your head so that it can't wiggle all over the place when applying the lock
6. Ushiro jime - My partner and I both had a tendency to lift the shoulder off after spinning out, will have to work on that. I will be honest, had I known this escape, I probably would have come out of an incident a few years back (before I started Judo) rather unscathed as I was jumped and then kicked on the ground by a person who was quite a pain.
   1. The attack and initial defence are identical to that of katame no kata, following which tori rotates out
   2. Keep pressure with your shoulder until your grip has been changed
7. Kakae dori - We didn't have enough mat space to finish the throw without running into other groups, but the technique is surprisingly effective. Though I couldn't initially find out how to do the armlock and had to ask my sensei about it, now it's pretty easy.
   1. Rotate the arm away from you (clockwise from your perspective) and pull uke's arm into you
   2. During the initial stomp, straighten up and raise your arms to loosen uke's grip

Attacks when at a distance - I got less time to try these in general as I wanted my partner to get a feel for them as they are a bit more complicated and he is less experienced

1. Naname uchi - this was a fun situation, it shows how a little bit of atemi can be used to setup a randori waza, and Fukushima Sensei complimented my senseis' performance saying that it was better than the current text book
   1. Te gatana is used to redirect the strike
   2. Osoto otoshi is performed
   3. Pushing the arm through is important to create the kuzushi necessary for the waza
2. Ago tsuki - I didn't actually get a chance to try this one more than once as my partner struggled with it, he kept applying a shoulder lock by pushing on the elbow without the redirect with the thumb up (shoulder is still sore)
   1. when directing uke's attack up and away, do not lean back as then you are unstable
   2. Use yahazu to direct uke's elbow toward his ear
   3. As uke will not like this use the moment after releasing the elbow lock to throw him forward in the direction perpendicular to his feet.
3. Gammen Tsuki - My partner really liked this one, I can see the uses as I've used similar entries when messing around with strikes + judo with this partner as I have a bit of karate experience
   1. Uke is meant to do a break fall, thus tori needs to get out of the way after releasing the choke
   2. Uke should realistically be aiming for where tori's uto would be if he did not evade
4. Mae Geri - this was a relatively easy one to grasp, but quite a bit of practice is needed before a full force kick can be considered
   1. Rotate ukes foot outwards so that it is not easy for him to rotate in to escape
   2. In the original, tori would lift uke's leg high but many ukes ended up injured from hitting their heads, so now tori just pushes back
5. Yoko geri - My sensei has introduced this one at the dojo before as well, though he prefaced it with about a minute of just practicing a side kick. My partner (who suffers from light knee pain) couldn't kneel during the finish
   1. The use of the te gatana to redirect the kick in the direction it is going, very similar to karates low block
   2. During the finish tori creates a void for uke to be thrown but in real life tori would throw uke onto his knee

Attacks with weapons - I understand people dislike these (reasonably in some cases), but I've found them to be useful points to explore
Attacks with a knife - Sensei Fukushima mentioned how despite my senseis making it look easy
Both my partner and I have practiced these quite a lot (I was the only one who was taught it by sensei but we practiced it on our own time), so not as many personal notes. Though I don't have a good experience so my brain switches to serious and my heart rate increases despite the fact that I know these are fake weapons.

1. Tsukkake
   1. The elbow should be pushed forward (I've actually experimented with this in the past by asking uke to try to stab me as I applied the defence, and we've found after the initial push and strike, tori is in a relatively good position, be it to run away or finish the kata)
   2. Push the locked up arm up and towards uke, then guide him to the ground
2. Choku zuki - I struggled to apply the waki gatame, I'm guessing it was control of the wrist that was the problem, this form is relatively straight forward and makes sense
   1. The strike should not be a boxer style punch, but more like the first punch in szkt
   2. uke should not go limp
   3. when moving away from uke, take him perpendicular to the line between his feet
3. Naname Zuki - Personally I think this form is cutting it close in many regards, but the control tori has is quite surprising
   1. Don't grab the blade from the sharp edge

Attacks with a jo - PSA, no matter how much you trust your uke, mistakes happen (especially with such a solid weapon) so remain vigilant to mitigate damage

1. Furi age - this was a relatively easy technique to grasp as it is an application of O soto gari setup with a palm strike to the chind
   1. Tori should enter as soon as uke begins to raise his arm, almost a preemptive entry
   2. Tori strikes at the ago (chin) with a palm strike, then places his hand on the throat for the throw
2. Furi oroshi - My partner leant into the swing and wacked me on the forehead, it could've been worse but it just grazed the outer layer as I saw the jo come closer after my initial retreat and attempted to turn out of the way. Both a PSA for tori and uke. Tori do not keep your eyes off uke, and uke please don't lean into a swing, you are horribly off balance, and you make it harder for tori to read. Also uke don't speed up when you 2 are learning (I don't know why my partner chose too...)
   1. Do not hop back onto one leg and then towards uke with the other, it leads you to have bad posture
   2. Better to make a big retreat than get hit
   3. 2 strike, one ura ken (back fist), followed by knife hand push
   4. Uke's swing should be at a diagonal
3. Morote zuki - I didn't get to practice this one as my partner was taken a bit aback after the previous incident and couldn't get the steps right for this one. Fukushima Sensei mentioned something along the lines of how a judoka was faced with a juken and couldn't figure out what to do, and thus this form was created to address that.
   1. Tori shouldn't be rowing the jow away to shake throw uke
   2. The arm puts pressure on uke's arm forward
   3. Tori should be trying to angle the jo down towards himself after the initial grab

Attacks with a gun - I struggled with all of these, but I think the principles are relatively sound. Though in real life, I'd most likely give up my valuables. Fukushima Sensei emphasised hip rotation in these movements, as he says that you want to direct the gun away without moving your feet, which is what uke would be seeing when looking at your pocket.
Always make sure to begin your defence after uke is clearly focused on checking your pockets, never when his focus is directly on you

1. Shomen Zuke
   1. Grab the barrel of the gun thumb up
   2. During the disarm, push the gun's muzzle to face towards him
2. Koshi Gamae - I kept getting the second hand wrong and thus the barallel was pointed towards me in the final attack, will need to work on that
   1. Grab the barrel of gun initially with the thumb down with your right hand, and push the gun so that it is horizontal after turning left, then grab the gun from below with your right
   2. make sure to not point the gun at yourself when hitting with the butt
3. Haimen Zuke - this is quite a dangerous move in theory, but also one of the more likely ones
   1. Wrap uke's arm with your arm, but make sure to direct the muzzle up with the free arm
   2. [uke] should let go of gun, as this is a hard breakfall

Overarching and repeated themes in the kata

• The use of yahazu to direct the arm rather than grips
• Keeping uke's hand connected to your centerline when applying kansetsu waza
• te gatana is a useful tool to redirect and or strike the opponent quickly
• During the gun portion, always rotate the gun off your centerline, so that even if it does fire, it doesn't penetrate too deep
• Control the gun by the muzzle
• most finishes are done by guiding uke perpendicular to the line in between his feet
• Do not directly oppose an opponents force
• Maintanence of balance at all times and moving from the hips is key
• Uke should attack meaningfully
• Action reaction is used quite a lot to first lock uke up towards his face, so that when he pushes back he is easily lead away

Overall, it was quite a good event, and I learned a lot. This kata isn't the most realistic with the attacks (though apparently a few people I know have used the ryote dori attack shockingly), but what I've learned so far is relatively sound, hopefully some time soon I can convince my partner to do some live resistance sparring with some gear on (which I have done with the knife portion with a plastic knife). Fukushima Sensei had a lot to say, as he was actively discussing his experiences and koshiki no kata after the seminar with another Japanese speaker, and I hope to be able to attend another one of his classes again someday.
Here are some videos featuring Michio Fukushima from a few years back, both where he was actively demoing, and where he had a slightly more corrective position.
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1253474818155243
https://youtu.be/VKgdMJS9eck?si=bGMemLfG9aquAHr1