Cheats for imobsters on ipod touchheats for imobsters on

I (F 24) him (male 28) we will call him jack
skip to 4th paragraph for shorter explanation*
We've been together since 2014, I was a freshman in high school he was a senior. I met him once at a local park then a few weeks later went to stay the night the second time I ever seen him in person. That night he was my first everything. (Date, hand hold, kiss, fxck, etc.)
Then a few weeks later my ex came back (who I was with 3 years before hand) so I wanted to get back together, my options, a guy I was with for 3 years or guy I've been dating a few weeks and keep in mind I'm 14 making decisions so. So then ofc when I'm trying to leave jack (m 18 at this time) to get back with my ex he sends me a photo of him with a shot gun in his mouth so we call the police they get him evaluated and then we go no contact everything's fine and i get back with my ex.
So a few months later my ex leaves me and then guess who wants to meet up at my friend's house I'm staying at for the weekend (I'm now 15 and he's 19) and Bing bang boom were back together. Come time I turn 18 I move in with him at his mom's house, we go on a family vacation and he proposes and I accept, 19 we buy our own house and put it on their property and now it's 2024 and here we are.
The problem lies in that hes cheated for 8/10 years we've been together. Fake Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, meet me, tinder, Kik, snapchat, any platform you name it I GUARANTEE he's had an account. He also had an old iPod he used for all this and in the photos were nudes of his exs and photos of my best friend he stole off FB to jack off to (this particular instance being 2018). And after getting our house he used an old phone he hid for all this. ALWAYS catfishing he never uses his own photos. He catfishes one of his best friends girlfriends on snap and got nudes from her (among countless others). THEN the latest one (early 2023) is he was talking to a 18 year old (he was 27) from a state away for OVER A YEAR and he actually told this one he loved her and why I didn't leave idk.
I've justified the earlier ones for age and immaturity and bs. I've not found anymore because I've stopped looking.
It no longer hurts and I'm used to it. The fear of change and discomfort of leaving my house and moving back home and changing my whole routine when nothing drastic has happened lately is too much and keeps me from leaving. He has never been physical with any other girls so that is also what keeps me. I tell myself when he does sleep with someone else I'll leave but he's too insecure to meet up with anyone.
I tell myself if I leave and we havent tried therapy I didn't do enough to try and fix it. I've never once been unfaithful. I'm just stuck because I'm so comfortable and I'm not hurting but I'm not in love with him and have so much resentment towards him for the past. I don't think it's fixable but that sucks because we have the same goals in life and have so many things in common.
TL;DR Fiance has cheated 8/10 years together and the resentment towards him keeps me from loving him but I'm too used to it for me to leave.

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide, self harm, mental illness, threats
i guess i'll start by saying i fucking hate this man with everything in my soul and before anybody gives me advice to leave him i already am after he gets home from work
i have bipolar 2, +which he knew from the beginning
i swear this guy lies about everythinmg that its so hard to even keep track of his lying and he lies for no reason too
he lied to me his parents are still together actually Hes still ongoingly lying about that, idk why when i literally know, literally spoke to them, but he denies it when theres evidence... I doint even know who he is trying to convince
The only time he ever cared about my mental healtgh issues was when he was pretendiung to be a good person, i attempted suicide backthen and he was very siupportive and i thoughti could trust him
Now i have carpal tunnel from having to text so much arguing, Like fuck man now he doesnt ruin my mind but also my arms?
He also attempts to gaslight me for no fucking reason over the smallest things, i had a screaming match with him and he says im irrational because of this, bvut he literally started satying he doesnt remember people ive known for YEARS and accused me of cheating wigth these people i "didnt mention" despiute me mentioning them literally thousands of times while ive known him and when we were just friends. Then 15 minutes later he mentions them and i say "you just said you didnt know them" and he goes back to denying it. Its this pettiness everyday
God, he accuses me of cheating, i showed him my whole computer, phone, even fucking ipod, and his only reaction was i couldve deleted stuff and if he was cheating on me he'd hide it? ive accused him of cheating before too, but that was with.. actual evidence of him doing it.. not to mention he threatens me basically daily at this point if i dont prove im not cheating somehow, like he literally knows im at home all day what is he talking about
the insults, i could go on and on about these insults, the fucking insults, everyday. i have never insulted him ever even when we are arguing, but i will tell him exactly how i feel tonight
he uses my mental illlness against me, when i have a valid concern, like why are you being mean i say, and suddenly he says things like that im a "raging schizophrenic, clearly undiagnosed with serious issues, crazy trauma from the past, i dont only have bipolar disorder and i lied"
another thing is in the past i had a self harm addiction that he used against me and pressured me to show him daily, not in a caring way, but he'd say things like that isnt deep enough, or that it looks nice etc.
I had so much attachment to him for the past year, now i dont see anything in him besides a very empty shell of who he used to be. When we were friends, he was so beautiful, his voice was so eternally sweet that, if i had told myself who he is today i wouldnt believe such things could come out of his mouth. But thatis how they get u, and i literally see him giving me crumbvs of attention to try and make me stay. But its not enouygh. Ive made my points, ive begged for change.
i think he was permanently ruined my vision of love and i do not see myself being with anybody or trusting anybody for a very long time if i ever do again
​
theres so much i wanna say that would never fit in a reddit post, i genuinely just want more for myself and it is not this.
​

I have a lot of issues. I have OCD, CPTSD and all the nasty Depression and anxiety that comes with it. My mother is an undiagnosed narcissist. (Let's be real here, how many narcissists are actually diagnosed, as they have a superiority complex and are "too good" to go get help) my therapist has confirmed that I’m correct.
I grew up really weird, after early grade school I was transitioned to online school that was easy to cheat. My parents took me to a borderline fundie church and I wasn't in any co-ops and only saw the light of day at church or at the grocery store. I had "friends" but I was only ever allowed to see them at church or maybe once every 6 months (after the age 12) could I go "hang out". My mom had an in home daycare during this, she would wake up and take the children and leave them in the room with the tv on and toys till lunch where she'd wake me up and had mainly me prepare lunch, change diapers and put them down for nap. During this nap time period I was expected to do "school" which, I hardly ever touched. It was supposed to be interactive with the parent per the "cheaper" plan they chose but they expected me to do everything and I quickly learned my way around it. After I played around with the internet and spoke to strangers, I then got the children up and did the routines and went straight to my bed, I rotted for 18 hours a day most days. Eating, speaking to strangers online who knew my age, neglecting school, then staying up till 2am to sleep and repeat the entire process. Then I discovered ED side of twitter and it was over, I starved myself and lost 45pounds and paced back in forth in my bedroom for hours because I wasn't allowed to walk the neighborhood. Mind you, this was a very nice neighborhood zero crime expensive HOA etc. etc. I also wasn't allowed to have my phone at night.
I begged my parents for an eye exam because I had issues seeing from 12-15 and it wasn't until I had a youth group event and I drove into a pothole and flipped the four wheeler on top of me (mind you my friend was 208ib and she flew off) it was an intense impact. She went to chiropractor, I had a worse impact, concussion etc and wasn't taken to the doctor. Yet both my parents went that same year. As I was "too young to have problems". I also had never been to the dentist, we even had insurance... and it would've been free
It was hard, I ended up learning how to sneak everything, my secret boyfriend at the time bought me an iPod touch to talk to him on, at night and when my parents decided to take away my phone for no reason around 15, vaped at 17 and got into corn and other stuff I’d get my bottom beat for if they found out.
I did this for 7 years. Ages 9-15/16, until I got my first job right before I turned 16.
16, I worked full time and was pressured into buying my mom lunch and dinners out to eat. I was promised braces in my younger years but it didn't happen, I ended up having an impacted tooth and all my wisdom teeth with no room for them and I paid 10k to get it all fixed.
17, purchased my own car.
18, dated a lot and I have some trauma from being you know what... I got a boyfriend out of it somehow. And, I really loved this guy but I was told daily how much my mom hated him and that he's "not the man that God has for you" ETC.ETC. Broke up with him after my mom harassing us, and emotionally abusing both of us i.e. covering photos I had of him in my space on a magnetic board that he bought me.... and more. I got super drunk and unaliving thoughts and blacked out and he left me alone at that house after striping me completely unclothed in a wet bathtub with strangers. I was almost 19 when we broke up like literally a week away.
19, had my wild bday one night stand etc. This other dude I was talking to was supposed to be there but didn't come so it wasn't him. I then started talking to the guy that didn't show up, he bought me flowers and chocolate and formally asked me to be his girlfriend, we soon got engaged in two months and of course my mom decided she hated him after supposedly loving him, harassed and abused us again. And we got married after knowing each other for 8 months, I was still 19. I cut my mom off.
20-23 aka present. We still fight about my mom, my grandmother died later that year when I was 20, and we went to the funeral and I’ve unfortunately been in contact ever since. It's been very brief but more common since my grandfather moved in with them. She tries to buy my love and feel as if I’m owed it. My husband and I fight a lot because of her, but I feel like theres worse problems that would still be there without her... My husband is speaking about separation currently, and wanting to live with his parents to figure stuff out but idk. I want to make it work but idfk how. If we go that route it'll basically be over and not worth fighting at that point. We've made it three years why does he want to do this now? He blames our problems on me, I try to be open minded and not like my mom and try to pick it out but its hard. I’ve already always been the problem in my life, why is it happening again?
I’m not in therapy anymore, or church or anything. He refuses couples counseling and insists I’m the problem. I know I’m hard to deal with guys, but why doesn't he love me enough to make this a group effort? He says he's exhausted with my mom from 4 years but I’ve dealt with it longer? He doesn't even want our possible children around them once a year and he doesn't believe compromise is for our situation

Like many people who are either one of these they had a horrifically abusive childhood in a multitude of ways. I went from being an extra sensitive, caring child- to having little to no empathy and feeling like everything I do is manufactured.
I have no desire for friends, this stopped after I turned about 13. I noticed that social interactions started to become robotic and I would have out of body dissociation experiences while socializing with peers. I would think to myself ‘how do I react to this sentence to get what I want or appear a certain way’ and would feel like some sort of program that had little emotion. I didn’t care for listening to people. It felt boring. Fake. So… shallow. I thought these people were beneath me because the words coming out of their mouth had little substance. Mostly hormonally fueled rants and quirkiness. While my struggles were survival, theirs were not getting the iPod they wanted for Christmas. I began to loathe most people.
My cries for help to school and staff went unseen and unmet. Multiple times while in high-school I thought I wouldn’t live another day. I began to think the world was a horrible and selfish place. Days and weeks blurred together with abuse until I felt like a husk of a person-crying until I was starring at a blank wall. When I had the energy to have an emotion it was usually anger. I felt like I was constantly cosplaying a ‘normal kid’.
I actually had an interest in dating however, and over poured myself into multiple men that seemed a lot better than my parents. I found myself stuck in many emotionally abusive relationships with men that lied, gaslit, cheated, and used me.
I think after the last ex something permanently snapped off in me. I had no desire to attach to anything. Not animals. Not friends. Not dating partners. I just wanted to…feel powerful. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted money. I wanted to indulge. I didn’t want to suffer. And I didn’t really care what that entailed or who that hurt.
This led to a year long stint where I met with men on tinder, led them on, played with them, and then proceeded to cut it off the first time they remotely rubbed me the wrong way. It made me feel great to leave them on read, turn them down, and to have them begging for my attention. I promised myself I wouldn’t get attached unless someone was flawless. And the moment they did something wrong I would bounce and continue to live selfishly. One time I mentally decided that I never wanted to see a guy again, yet proceeded to throw him up against a car and feel him up. Blocked him as I was driving home. To be fair, he was a complete sexist ass.
I have a bf now and I’ve dropped that whole act. I’m pretty sure he love bombed me. But I dislike him most of the time. When he doesn’t give me enough affection or sex I begin to have fantasies about other people. When he says no to me I start thinking I should leave. I’m impatient and I hate waiting. I don’t believe in 50/50 anymore. If he wants that type of relationship it’s not with me. If he dumped me I might not even care. Sometimes I think it’s a shame because he isn’t a bad guy, but he isn’t what I dreamt about to keep me going. He has no idea I feel this way. But it’s getting harder to uphold the act. I have to fantasize to get through sex at this point. I hope that he gets better, I told him my complaints. I’m here on 1/100 worth of hope and due to the fact that I’m financially taken care of. But I’m alone.
He always is spending so much time with his friends. Always playing videogames. He asks for my permission and I’m over it. I hate dating someone who is the personification of a golden retriever. I’m only remotely interested in socializing with him, I hate begging for his attention like I’m some fucking worm. His friends are so cookie cutter and vanilla and straight laced that it makes me want to barf. I refuse to socialize with another horse girl wife who wants to discuss pasta alternatives. He made fun of the friends I did have until we drifted apart. He didn’t like that they were weird/depressed/suicidal/gay/autistic insert anything different or not neurotypical. Fucking honestly I think I hate him too. He’s a ‘good’ guy but he’s so stick straight, and I’m a bendy line.
My dream life is living in some type of mental institute where I can be completely blank in a white room. No thoughts. No sound. No people. Just a little art easel and maybe a bird outside that I can watch. But I’m way too good at cosplaying a normal person to the point where my therapist thinks I only have mild anxiety.
If no one was there I would bed rot without feeling hunger or sadness or despair. I don’t understand how or why people have emotions or desire things to begin with.

All my belongings got stolen from/out of my own home while i was in jail what do i do/what can i do¿¡ Im 24 an dont know what to do,
I dont know what to do & i need opinions, options & help. Literally pretty much EVERYTHING i own, well owned, is gone, all my personal belongings, my sentimental things, my memories, some belongings were sentimental items that i kept to keep the memories i had with people alive since they are no longer alive... I have quite the 46 year old "Dad" you could say. Im 24 years old & I went to jail for 2 months in December til the end of February, stayed with my 49 year old Mom (which i havent stayed with in 6years & i still had Christmas presents there from this past Christmas that she, my grandmother & aunt had bought) so i didnt need to go straight back to my "Home" to my Dads, to fet anything. Plus i needed stability for my sobriety & his house just isnt it & wouldnt have helped my situation.. But after almost a couple weeks i decided to go back to my Dads to find out he has 2 other people moved in, & his divorce with his wife was finalized January 2nd 2024 & while i was in Jail i also had a court date from a previous offense on that same day in the same court as he went to, i was unable to be at court in person so i was on ZoomCourt & my Dad even told me the 1 TIME i talked to him on the phone while i was incarcerated that he saw me on the big screen that day. So anyways, his ex wife had 2 daughters that each had their own room & my Dad has his own room. But anyways, last year when my boyfriend & I had a big fight an my Dads Wife an her 2 kids left, my Dad wanted me to move in, so when my boyfriend & I got in that fight i didnt hesitate to pack up EVERYTHING from my kitchen Cookware to my personal NikNaks & Clothing, EVERYTHING you can think of, the stuff i wouldn't need constantly like Kitchen stuff & Decorations & alot of my craft stuff & summer clothes & what not i put out in the shed, but a majority of my stuff i brought inside, but had to put in my Dads room.. instead of him packing up what was left in JUST ONE of his Ex Wifes kids belongings in one of the rooms in HIS HOUSE an put it into the other kids room so i could have a room OF MY OWN, i had to sleep in his room (for the past 2 years+, almost a year before my Dads Wife even left he slept out on the couch & she slept in their room alone cause he knew on the DL she was cheating cause she had before aswell but he wanted to play oblivious to it.) So i still didnt really have MY OWN ROOM, yanno¿ An mind you for 7years prior my Dad threw me away because his Wife was jealous of me an didnt like me an he raised her 2 kids as his own an chose her over me. I saw him maybe 2 times in that 7 years. Once was my 8th grade graduation. But fast forward again, 3 years ago, my Boyfriend & I had a friend getting dropped off & my Dad happened to be his ride, so like the bigger person i am i went down to the car an invited him inside & we started to re-kindle our relationship but i could only see him when his Wife went to work an wasnt home Sundays-Wednesday mornings, but id have to leave before she came back. Then he slowly began to not give a shit if i was there when she showed up or not cause he caught her red handed an found evidence of her cheating (Shes still with the guy she cheated on my Dad with an lives with him) but we had several nights crying on eachothers shoulders. After she moved out an i moved in, we had big plans to start our own business an he PROMISED ME he would never leave me again & WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING to risk loosing me nor let ANYONE OR ANYTHING EVER COME IN BETWEEN US AGAIN. Fast Forward to when i got out of jail. I went to jail in December until the end of February, stayed with my Mom for almost 2 weeks, went back Home to my Dads, to find literally 90% of everything i owned just. GONE.. I AM COMPLETELY DEVASTATED. My Dad tried blamming someone else(someone he went to highschool with) that watched the dog while he had to go out of town, saying she stole my stuff, but i bitched about EVERYTHING I DIDNT COME ACROSS & for example how i knew for sure my Dad was the one who traded, sold or got rid of my stuff was over a week ago, i was looking for JUST 1 of my Bluetooth speakers out of the 8 i had so i had music in the shower & he said repeatedly again, how Tammy the girl he had watch the house for 2 days "stole ALL" my speakers & he "hasnt seen NOT 1" But when i was crying, listening to music on a phone my friend gave me since mine got all stolen as well, i saw on top of my Dads dresser under a punch of papers and some of my NikNaks & small sentimental things that are all i have left of my lost friends with ALL OF MY ELECTRONICS CORDS i could tell cause i saw the end of my pink cord to my old IPod & my Alexa Echo & Google Home cords sticking out from under the papers an mess of my other stuff that i had ALL IN A BAG TOGETHER & that bag when i found it was COMPLETELY EMPTY (BUT of course he told me Tammy stole all that to) & 3 OF MY SPEAKERS HIDDEN IN HIS CLOSET... I confronted him & he told me he found them in one of the kids room LOL then why since i have got out have you told me you havent seen nothing of mine that i said is missing an that Tammy Stole it all when you had it in your closet for who knows how long, well ACTUALLY the whole time since whenever you sold the rest of my Electronics & just figured those were 3 you wanted to keep!!!! So i confronted him & he chose yet another women over me, well this girl an her Mom who i actually was friends with an my Mom use to date her brother, but my Dad moved her an her disabled Mother in just to "help out until the hole in their roof got repaired" an even bought an got all the stuff needed to fix their place an she an her Mother have just been putting it off an pushing it off, using my Dad, but hes blind because its another women an hes hoping to get a piece of ass i guess... So yet again chose another women over me... After all we've been thru... An the girl he moved in, he let her take whatever she wanted of mine an gave her whatever she liked of mine to butter her up to show his loyalty to her or some shit to try to get a piece of ass.... Yet again, im last choice.... ⚠️‼️BUT IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY... THERE JUST WASNT A SHORT VERSION THAT WOULD'VE BEEN LOGICAL TO TELL YOU GUYS NEEDED TO KNOW SOME PAST HISTORY AS WELL IN ORDER FOR ME TO GET THE WHOLE POINT ACROSSED‼️⚠️ SO TELL ME WHAT DO I DO¿¡¿¡¡¿¿ HOW DO I GET MY STUFF BACK OR HOW DO I MAKE HIM PAY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HE TOOK/TRADED/SOLD/GAVE AWAY OF MINE?!? Ill take Legal action if i have to an make him oay Restitution or something!!! THERES GOT TO BE SOMETHING I CAN DO!!!!!!⚠️ PLEASE HELP!!!⚠️

Hello everyone! If you came here looking for help for Virtual Families 1, 2 or 3 you came to the right place! Here I will post a collection of links that will hopefully answer your questions about the games!
Earning Money and Taking Care of Your Family: (VF3)
https://www.reddit.com/VirtualFamilies/comments/18hqcmw/virtual_families_3_guide_to_money_career_life/
Fixing Household Malfunctions (VF3): (Some stuff also applies to 1-2)
https://ldw.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/360028300932-List-of-House-Malfunctions
Guide for VF2:
https://www.chaptercheats.com/cheat/iphone-ipod/112724/virtual-families-2-our-dream-house/hint/44238
Guide for VF1:
http://www.ldwforums.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191280#Post191280
Miscellaneous Helpful Posts for VF1: (some stuff applies for 2 and 3 too)
http://www.ldwforums.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=198414#Post198414 Note: The game no longer ends if you don't have someone to pass on the house to in Virtual Families 2 and 3. You'll just get to adopt someone else.
Family Trips and How They Work: (VF3) https://www.reddit.com/VirtualFamilies/comments/1apps7m/family_trip_mechanics_a_guide_valentines_2024/
https://www.reddit.com/VirtualFamilies/comments/1bcsnqa/family_trip_mechanics_a_guide_definitive_edition/
All About Sicknesses and Cures (Applies to all games): http://www.ldwforums.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=231256#Post231256
List of Careers and Salaries:
https://virtualfamilies.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_careers_in_the_Virtual_Families_games
Virtual Families 1 http://www.ldwforums.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=199828#Post199828
Virtual Families 2 http://www.ldwforums.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=232335 Note: The PC version may be different from the mobile version due to no in-app purchases
Virtual Families 3 https://www.reddit.com/VirtualFamilies/comments/1bf105q/virtual_families_3_careersalary_info_2024_help/
Info about The Ghost Girl, Resort and Events in VF3: https://www.reddit.com/VirtualFamilies/comments/1bgkyyw/virtual_families_3_guide_to_the_ghost_girl_resort/
- WORK IN PROGRESS -

So this is more of a rant than anything. Just like others I personally have been ghosted and that sh*t hurts!
Here is a little backstory for you. I am demisexual so it's always been hard to just find anyone. I really connect to the energy of those around me and I mainly go for personality above anything else. If a guy can keep me interested intellectually, then its game on. .
Anyways, I meet this guy online, we instantly hit it off. We start off by talking on the phone for hours a day, I'm talking 3-4 hours plus daily. Now this is before even meeting eachother. So of course I am super excited. By just talking to him at that time he seemed to be the "perfect" guy. We eventually decide its time to meet up and put this chemistry thing to the test. He has a passion for motorcycles so of course on our first date he had to pick me up on one. I personally have always been scared of bikes, but something about this guy brought me out of my shell a little bit.
So the day comes and he and his beautiful self pulls up to my house. I of course am nervous because I had just about spilled my whole life to this guy I hadn't seen in person yet and vise versa. I walk up to give him a hug for being so kind to actually pick me up, I found that to be quite gentleman like of him. He was tall and towered over my short self, so there was almost an instant sense of feeling safe and protected. I honestly don't know why I had immediately felt this, but I did.
I jump on the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around him. Now being that girl who has always been scared of bikes for some reason this day that was the furthest thing from my mind. When wrapping my arms around his waist, I felt immediately comfortable and felt this is where I had belonged, at least at this moment in time. We go for the best ride, we share his ipods to listen to the same music, we laugh between stops, we eat at the perfect little dinner just about an hour away from my house and it was just perfect.
Everytime he would place his hand on my thigh, when making turns, those butterflies in my tummy would go wild. It's almost as if we had done this a 100x, yet this was our first time. It was the strangest thing ever. I felt as if I had met my other half. The evening was coming to an end and just like the gentleman I thought he was, he asked if he could kiss me. I of course couldn't wait and was already standing on my tip toes for that kiss.
The kiss was the cherry on the cake! This kiss was perfect, just like the whole date itself. I come inside and could barely sleep that night, I was thinking of how amazing this guy was and how could i have met someone so perfect off such a crazy dating site!? Anyone who is on these dating sites could agree with me. I also had that other part of my brain that was trying to pick it apart, because how could I have met someone so perfect, was it even real. These questions flowed through my head, all of them over and over. I However decided I was gonna give this a shot, what did I have to loose!?
I was in a really bad and toxic relationship for years before all this and dangit it was my time to shine.
We started to text on the daily, talking way into the evenings and seeing eachother over the weekends. I was packing my bags and sleeping in his bed every weekend night, just as he had asked me to do. We would watch late night movies, snuggle, talk, go for rides on his bikes, once even riding his 3 wheeler in the rain, that was alot of fun. I was having ths best time of my life. I had this constant smile on my face that everyone around me noticed.
Everything was perfect, even up to the way he would look me in the eyes, like he was staring into my soul. We spent the holidays together and he even purchased me my own motorcycle jacket for Christmas. He told me it would be perfect for the spring and summer months when on his bike.
Now through all of this we never really made it official. Me coming out of a toxic relationship, I had a bit of abandonment issues that I was working on, and he had been cheated on by an ex of 6 years. They were seperated for about 3 years at this point. So of course we were both guarded i however knew that something special was there and wanted to explore what we had more than anything. I wanted him to be my man and i wanted to be his woman.
On the night of New Years Eve we had an amazing time as always. We kissed at midnight, snuggled and even talked about how important we were in eachothers lives. So i felt it was time. I turned to him and asked "when you gonna make me your girl". He told me that he had every intention on it, but right now wasn't the right time. I could respect this, even after 6 months of dating. I did however have that feeling as if what if i was wasting my time, or what if i was putting my guard down for someone who would never make me theres or commit in anyway? I mean i am human so naturally i am gonna have these thoughts.
The next day we wake up, eat breakfast together, he hugs and kisses me and then leaves. He would normally always message me after making it home, but this day was different. I heard nothing from him. I eventually reached out and told him i had a great time, and still nothing. I had this uneasy feeling in my stomach and something was telling me to check the dating app that we had originally met on, i dont know why i had this feeling, but i did. Low and behold he was logged in.
My stomach hit the floor and i knew at that moment everything we had shared together was nothing but a fantasy/lie, or so i had thought it was. I mean if your having a great time and all these things seem so perfect, why keep searching for more? I immediately put my guard up and sent him a message talking about how I saw him online. He made up some lame excuse, but the worst part he had his mother out of all people tell me this lame excuse. I was beyond heartbroken. He said that he felt things were moving to fast for him. Yet your still on a dating site, that don't make no sense to me. I wasnt gonna be some option, if all your other options fell through..
I cried myself to sleep almost every night wondering what went wrong!? Why did this man do this to me? Why did he make me feel so safe and secure, but in reality have zero intentions on ever making things official? Why was all this happening to me? I immediately came to reddit for comfort, knowing there are others out there that have had this same thing done and unlike anyone else, these Strangers would understand my hurt and frustration.
It has now been exactly 2 months since we last have spoken and of course I still sometimes see him logged into the dating app. This dating app hates me because I can't seen to keep him blocked.
His mother reached out again last night telling me he has been staying home and not going on dates, she has informed me that I should reach out to him and all this other craziness. Says he misses me and what we had shared together.
Here is the thing, if he wanted to be a part of my life so badly, he would have made more of an effort. I left that door wide open for him and he slammed it shut in my face. I don'twant to chase anyone anymore that cant seem to get there sh*t straight and know what they want. He is a grown person and can make grown decisions, even if they are not the right decisions. We wont ever know what could have been all because of this petty act. Now that he has dated around more and relized what we had was real, he now wants me back. Well as sad as it sounds i no longer feel secure. I feel that if i end up with this man i will eventually one day be abandoned again.
What i thought was a strong foundationfor a really good and healthy relationship turned out to be shaky grounds. I don't think ill ever not have the feelings i had developed for him over those 6 amazing months, those feelings cant just disappear. I However have to look out for me and my best interest. I will miss him like crazy, as I already do. I also wish him luck in his search for whatever it is he is trying to find. This is however the end of the road for me. Maybe one day after therapy or whatever else we need to be in a strong relationship, we can try again. Until then I will just continue to miss him and live in the "whys" and the "what ifs" .
Good luck to anyone out there that has or is currently struggling with the same situation as myself 💜

I was doodling Happy Tree Friends characters when we were hit.
October 31st, 2007.
The sky darkened, a single strand of my hair fell in my face… and that was it.
It's not humanly possible for the brain to register something that fast.
I stabbed the button on my iPod at the right time, which saved me.
It was always the same song, stuck in the exact same second.
The Pixies.
Which put me back in yesterday.
October 30th, standing outside my locker and taking in the cool breeze drifting in from the open doorway. I don't know why I was given a second chance, a gift to cheat death and continuously go back to yesterday.
Yesterday only existed inside the school. The same classes, the same conversations, the same mannerisms.
But I held onto every second.
The hallways were full, and every time I went back, I focused on a new person.
Lottie Eaton was talking about cheerleading tryouts. Lottie had ribbons in her hair. But if I really looked, if I allowed that incessant reality to bleed through, I could see the pearly white of her skull, where the anomaly had ripped through. The song in my ears continued on through the chorus, the present seeping through.
Like it was reminding me, reminding Lottie, that we weren't supposed to be there.
With my stomach twisting, I stabbed rewind on my iPod.
The world blurred, and I was back at my locker.
“So, where were you in gym class?”
Nate Samuels was supposed to lead the 2007 basketball team to the championships.
Instead, he got his brains blown out by an anomaly that is never explained. I prefer to believe it just was and decided to level my entire class with no reason before disappearing. Instead of answering Nate, because I knew how this conversation would go, I swiped the ugly smear of red trickling down his temple, ignoring reality trying to drag him away, and hooked my arm in his.
Before we could get to class, The Pixies began to fast forward through lyrics, taking me straight through the chorus, and back into my seat on October 31st, 2007.
Back to that moment.
That minute.
That second.
Outside, the sky darkened, and I stopped doodling.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my iPod, but the screen was stuck.
I stabbed at rewind, and yet the song continued in my ears, and Nate was tangling his fingers in mine, squeezing tight. Nate was always across the classroom in the first 55,000 rewinds.
Now he was next to me with dark eyes pleading with me.
Just let go.
I never doubted Nate wasn't awake.
I was just in denial.
And maybe I was tired of fighting my shitty iPod.
So, I let the song continue, watching the sky turn impossibly black, a single strand of my hair falling in my eyes.
Maybe I was okay with dying.
And–

Sorry for the length. I haven't shared this with anyone before. Today is one month since the D-day of finding out about my WW’s EA and cyber affair. Background: My WW and I have been together for more than 25 years. We have definitely grown apart and stagnant over the last several years with the intimacy down to almost non-existent, unless maybe we are on a vacation. I think we fell into roles and took each other for granted without communicating our feelings and wants. She would say in the last year that she wanted to be alone especially when in fights with our teens. I thought everything might get better between us when the kids were gone and our roles could change. I didn't realize but she thought for the last year that I was having an affair (time spend out of house and she swear she saw a Tinder notification pop up on my iPod twice- I have no idea what she is talking about since I've never use it nor have an account) and that our marriage was pretty much over in 2024. To be clear, I have been faithful. It is really hard to prove innocence.
Right before Christmas, she said she was going shopping. She was gone really long so I check the location of the car (she doesn't have her phone location shared). The car was in a store parking lot, not a store you'd stay at long and parked far away from the store for a couple hours. This made me thing something was really odd. I went to check but she came home before I could get there.
Fast forward to January, I just came back from a two-week-long business trip and just had the weekend before leaving again. On Saturday she said she had to run errands and return some things, which is something I always did and she never did. I also had errands but she wanted to do them separately. When I was done, I called her and she didn't answer, which is odd. I looked at the car again and this time it was parked at her work, once again far from the building. I called again 30 minutes later and still nothing so I drove there wondering if it was a PA. I could see her in the car talking and I left. I texted her and she said she was finishing up moving things at work with her female employee/friend. She was there for total of two hours. When she got home she was not dressed up at all so I thought maybe plausible although I was hurt she decided to spend my limited time home working.
That night I woke up after she came to bed after me with a sick feeling that I just need to confirm she was talking to her employee/friend. I took her phone while she slept, logged in and saw she talked to someone for two hours on the other side of the country. I then looked at texts and found the smoking gun. Thousands of texts, explicit and EA. Signs they talked or video conferenced all hours if the night for almost three months. The guy was her ex-fiance from 30 years ago. The same guy who cheated on her.
She woke up, probably to call him and found me with her phone. I screenshotted and sent a sampling of texts to myself. She was and still is upset that I invaded her privacy. I then felt that afternoon for work.
I asked her the next day if she loved me or him, figuring if it was worth putting effort in to save the marriage, and if she was still talking to him. She said she texted him that she needed distance and told me she didn't think she loved anyone, me, AP, herself, the kids and that my ego was the only thing keeping me there and soon I realize I deserve better and leave. When I came home that weekend we talked a lot, like we hadn't before. I asked if really ended it the AP and how. She said she texted him that it was wrong and it's over and he said he understood.
She called me middle of the following week to let me know she just heard from an AP’s friend using his phone, that he passed away (1.5 weeks after d-day). Crazy isn't it? If she didn't get caught, there is a good chance I would never have know - and our marriage would probably be over. And it is a bit easier knowing he isn't around anymore.
Other than a blip on Valentine’s Day, we have been closer than ever, really communicating and talking about how we felt in the past and felt in a weird way it may be saving our marriage.
So with all that back story back to the month anniversary of d-day, after reading here yesterday about how everyone found out I never thought to check phone records. I checked to see the timeline compared to when she said it started. I told her I need to have a detailed discussion on the timeline and reason but we haven't yet. Itstart did line up but the ending…
I see that she talked to him for almost an hour the morning following the discover, while at the store (I didn't think she was gone long and once again parking funny), two hours in the middle of the night. She talked to him for over an hour right after talking with me saying that she told him she needed distance. After she said she didn't think she loved anyone, she talked to him for three hours in the middle of the night and than over and hour the next day. She didn't talk or text with him after I got home and over the weekend while I was there. I do she that she texted him three times and called him once after he died, obviously no response. I don't see anyone contacting her to tell her he died. Guessing she saw it on Facebook. She said it was more like an out-of-body fantasy type thing that would never become real and that she didn't care for him. I'm just not sure.
As I mentioned earlier she is still upset that I went in her phone and can track the car. She thinks it's weird and that I'm tracking her car all day long, which I certainly am not I'm sure she won't be happy with the phone record. I did think of telling her to go through mine if she wants. I need to express the difference between privacy and secrecy.
As I mentioned I really do love her with all my heart and I truly feel she feels the same. I see how we can come out of this with a stronger better relationship and marriage. I just need her to be fully honest and transparent to build back my trust.
So, what do I do with this? Should I try to catch her lying when telling me the timeline or should I tell her what I found and let her fess up and explain, maybe less defensive? I want to get an MC so should I wait for then or bring it up now (especially since I can’t sleep again)? I am out of town until mid to late next week so if I bring it up, probably better in person than Facetime but I don't know how I can act normal until I bring this up. I feel like D-day again and don't know what to do. Help, please.
Sorry for dumping everything on you all. I appreciate anyone who gets all the way to the end!

From the year 06-2011 Wayne was undoubtedly the hottest and biggest rapper in the game.
To anyone who was there and witnessed it first hand, we all remember the mixtape days, the limewire, datpiff, YouTube days. Wayne was dropping a song, a tape, a feature quite literally every week. And it all quality stuff (for the most part). He was in everybody’s iPod, your older brother was listening to him, the girls at school were listening to him, he was on our MySpace page, Wayne had the world in the palm of his hands.
I think one of the reasons why he got so hot is because this was a time when music was becoming much more accessible and Wayne took advantage of it by dropping quality stuff so frequently and he had the world eating everything up. We had never experienced anything like that before, at that level at least. Was Wayne the only one doing it? No. But there’s a reason why he had more success than the others.
We all remember when he dropped Drought 3, I can’t even express how big of an impact that tape had. I mean, it could have been rap album of the year if it were an official release. I, like many other people still listen to his old stuff on YouTube (the little I can find) and it never gets old. It’s still just as good as it was back in 07.
To top it off, Wayne sold over 1M first week. TWICE. C3 & C4. This was at the time when nobody was buying physical copies anymore. I mean, to sell 1M in one week during the iPod era is bananas. Drake didn’t even sell 1M (buys) with Views and that is his highest first week sales to date.
Even with today’s streaming cheat code, no other rapper other than Drake has came close to those type of numbers.
Wayne was EVERYWHERE and it was strictly because of the music. He had the hottest mixtapes, hottest songs on the radio, his features alone was insane. Remember when XXL even made a list of ‘best lil wayne verses’ one year? I think the We Takin Over’ was ranked #1.
For those who would argue Eminem, 50, DMX etc.. I get it. I was there for them too, they were huge, larger than life but I’m saying they were not feeding the world with quality music at the rate and quantity than Wayne was. Wayne was hotter. 50 & Em were arguably bigger. Does that make sense?

If this has been talked about already, I apologize.
There’s an app for iPhones called My Classic. It turns your iPhone into an IPod Classic.
Here’s the thing. It looks like a Game Boy. That way Apple doesn’t ban it from the App Store. When you down load it, you do the cheat code of ( Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A). And then it turns into the iPod.
This only works for Apple Music or if you store your music on your iPhone.
Enjoy!

I remember vaguely being a talkative, goofy, fun loving, child just trying to make eveyone else laugh. That didnt last long at all. That began getting shut down from my own family, then kids at school. I was fine being an oddball tbh cus I never had to pretend to be someone I'm not. I literally remember grade 4 being the turning point where kids broke off into groups rather than the whole class all being friends. I remember seeing the kids I thought were my friends look at me and talk to me with annoyance. I didnt rly understand but i accepted it and did my own thing. Then my old brother began the same behaviour and I didnt understand it (he didnt influence the kids nor did they influence him so I thought and still think its strange). Even being a kid no older than 10, I was out playing with my brother and cousins nd their friends and one of my cousins friends said hey i think theyre leaving. Thats when i saw my brother and cousins already outside the school area going back home. I thought, why wouldnt they tell me? Did I not hear if they called out to me? Things like that continued happening in and outside of family. Not to mention my older brother always finding chances to embarrass me. Now as an adult he wonders why we dont have a relationship anymore and why i act like he doesnt exist. I tried forgiving him without him even acknowledging what he did. He just didnt seem to care even when i tried to talk to him again and rebuild and find common interests again. Back to square one.
In middle school i fully accepted being left out and stopped caring except for the few ppl who were cool with me. Silly me, they all abandoned me too. If not that, i realized they never put effort into our friendship. At this time I even lost my neighbour friend that ive been friends with since we were like 4.
Back when MSN was a thing, I could connect and form really deep bonds with the kids at school. People vented to me about their deepest issues that their "real friends" didnt even know about. I thought this connection meant something. That they trusted me and didnt feel judged with me. There were many like this. Even to this day people feel comfortable confiding even if I didnt ask. I know now this means nothing. Im just an outlet for issues while they invite out their real friends to fun events, or show up for them when theyre going through a hard time.
During middle school I thought okay maybe I need to wear nicer clothes, loose some weight (I was chubby but never fat and back then there was no body positivity influence. Bullying was never something that was a societal movement to reduce then). I also thought I needed to have nice things at the time like the new ipod touch. Nothing material changed the outcome. I fully shut down and never made the first move to try to befriend anyone, I became the quiet shy kid. People werent overtly mean to me but no one care about me. I had thought I found a group of people sorta like me then realized I often didnt get invited to things they had all planned. When I tried to plan something everyone was too busy. I left this group eventually and became a loner with one real friend by high school. He had multiple friend groups so I had a lot of lunches alone. I again, was fine because I didnt have to pretend to be anyone else just to fit in and I've always been comfortable being alone especially after all those years having time to adapt and be comfortable in my own company. I was still a kind person, just kept to myself.
I thought university I would get a break to be in a huge space with a ton of completely new people whod have different interests, surely Id make a few life long friends right? Wrong. In frosh week I met someone I clicked with but the leader of the group broke everyone off into separate groups and I never saw here again until one of our classes. By then it was too late, she had her group of friends already and I only had 20 minutes to talk to her the first time before being split so I didn't have the courage to try and build from there. I tried getting involved in group activities and had an interview for one of them, I didn't get in but I had no issue with it. I eventually saw the ppl who did get in all eventually became close friends. Other activities were so unorganized and just a mess overall so no real connection could be made in that chaos.
The rest of my time at uni it was like I was invisible or like people were repulsed by me trying to talk to them. Even the people who would looked at me kindly and smiled at me for weeks or months, when I eventually decided to just go talk to them, have a friendly chat, and exchange numbers it seemed afterwards like they were annoyed by me trying to form a friendship. I didnt even text or reach out frequently for that to happen and if they dont reciprocate the first two times I leave them alone completely so idek what it is thats giving off this annoying energy cus I'm not clingy at all. All I do is try to find common ground with someone and go from there. And a lot of times Im not even the one asking for their number. There was one time where I made a friend but it turned out the entire time she felt like she was in a competition with me. What sucks is that I enjoyed her company and she introduced me to her friend group and we actually all clicked but we never hung out again. Come to find out the friend was worried her friends were going to like me more than her when she saw how much fun we all (including her) were having.
Over the years I slimmed down from my childhood chubby stature but it wasnt until 2021 where i went from average to skinny. I dressed better, looked better, and between 2016-2020 kept busy with activities I thought would be cool and interesting to talk to people about when I met new ppl. People definitely became nicer to me. It was a bit disheartening being on both ends of this though and seeing how shallow people can be and treat you so much better just on physical appearance, I digress. People did more things for me, went out of their way to help me or just get me things theyd think I'd like but they all left too. And I get it, in life ppl come and go but damn can I not have my person? Like just one person? I did cool sports, various arts, read books, watched tv shows and movies I didnt rly care about just to try to relate to people in convo and tell them about these cool activities hoping theyd think I'm interesting. The few who decided to stay for a brief time all left eventually, usually ditched for other people whereas I'm the type to alway include people or introduce separate friends into one activity rather than just leave one behind.
I figured, ok I'm the common denominator so something must be wrong with me. I tried to get back my jovial silly childlike personality back (actually did this periodically since I was young just to figure out what combination of factors brought ppl in) but it was always shut down with me being too weird or too excited or too confident.
Im mildly depressed now and on meds. Never fit into any friend group but had a few long term individual friendships here and there (thankful for those). Now in my mid 20s and my individual few (could count on one hand) friends I thought were real ones are moving on in life valuing their significant others more. I understand that and I'm happy for them but I see tons of other serious couples still hang with their friends every week if not a few times a month.
Theres no denying after 2.5 decades, I pretty much hate everyone, I don't trust anyone, and I now leave everyone before they can leave me even tho it really hurts me and I cry when this time comes (ik, self sabotage and whatever other else you can call it). Ive had a few relationships none of which I could see a real future with and always was the one who left first (even before I became angry at the world). I had a long distance situaionship in lockdown that rly destroyed me. That was when any residual, meniscus sliver of softness and compassion I had completely left my soul.
I met someone 2 years after that who was nearly perfect, who actually brought back my joy without even trying, who liked me for me, who knew about how that last situation left me feeling. Ofc I had to run away before I could be left. I saw small indicators of me possibly becoming less important and that made me leave before I could be left. I ended it very cordially and respectfully and we occasionally still spoke after. I thought about my action, running away, for a year straight even though we only talked for 2 months. We both admitted the feelings and connection we had was beyond that of any relationship we have had in the past, that it was strange how right away we felt peace with each other. I told myself I cant go back because I was the one who left, and that was one of the few kind souls I ever met and didnt want to be the one to make things difficult. I eventually did go back after we began talking a bit more. The desire to rekindle was not mutal and I understood that, again everything is coridal. I decided to delete the number to make sure I have no way to reach out cus I rly didnt want to bring up old pain for either of us. What this reminded me of though, is a conversation we had and how exs (even those who cheated) got another chance. Clearly with me that wasnt an option. Then it made me realize how in most of my life, the same people who accepted back people who hurt them badly, friends or relationships, couldnt accept any minor mistake I made despite it not being close to the pain others have caused them.
Im tired of trying, being peoples outlet, last option, being left out, abandoned, and building up others to become more confident in themselves to a point where they then think theyre too good for me to even be their friend. I keep to myself, I dont even have the energy to smile or laugh at things other people would be hysterical about. I dont talk with much enthusiasm. I dont have sympathy or empathy for people. No matter what, I cant feel for anyone now, to me their sorrow just bounces off my surface not being able to reach my core at all. I spent most of my life alone and I'm done trying to change that. My free time, weekends, long weekends I spend alone. I dont like anyone, maybe even hate everyone. I despise people. Seeing random people happy makes me scoff inside and I resent and am bitter towards them.

In 2008 while Hamlette was 17 she started talking to a 15 year old transboy named Casey online. Casey wasn't out at the time and was living as a cisgender lesbian, he would later come out and call himself Casey, and for the sake of not deadnaming him I'll continue to call him that in the post.
At some point after Casey's 16th birthday and Hammy's 18th Casey's family visited his grandmother in California. Amber was still living in Northern California at the time so they used this as an opportunity to finally meet in person. During this meeting Casey told Amber that he wasn't attracted to her at all. Despite this they continue their online romance.
Shortly afterwards Amberlynn decides to visit Casey and his family in Arizona. While there Amberlynn receives a call from her grandmother telling her not to come home and so not wanting Hamlette on the streets Casey's mother and stepfather agree she can live in their 1bed apartment with them so long as she goes to school or gets a job. Hamlette enrolls in a now defunct for profit college that was likely a scam school.
Amber and Casey's relationship was volotile and toxic, marred with Amber posting about being in love with other girls and openly flirting with them on her facebook page. Amber would also post vague angry posts about wanting to physically harm Casey's mother and had no problem referring to her as a bitch, referencing their regular fights.
Casey started binding his chest at some point during the relationship, which Amber was not supportive of. Amber and Casey would both accuse the other of physical and sexual abuse and most people including myself tend to believe Casey's side of the story, due to Amberlynn's established patterns of seeking out vulnerable people and abusing them. I'll cover this more in part4 as the relevant drama didn't really go down until the Dustylynn Era.
When Casey came out to Amber as trans, Amber rejected this and so Casey carried on living as a woman. (Funnily enough Amber would later accuse Becky of doing a similar thing to her regarding Amberlynn's supposed bisexuality).
Amber would continue to butt heads with Casey's mom a lot, which would become a pattern for her in future relationships, and soon wasn't allowed on some furniture such as the couch due to her enormous weight and fears she may break it. She would hide out at her fake college all day and get into petty facebook fights to avoid going home. She would also go into chatsites and flirt with other gorls. She would end up cheating on Casey with at least three women, one of them being Krystle.
Amber would openly flirt with Krystle on social media, and Casey would make it clear he was hurt by this. Amber would ignore this.
At one point Hamlette convinced Krystle to buy her an ipod then got mad that it didnt have as much memory as she'd have liked. She was so nasty to Krystle over the phone that Krystle cried. The Villainous Ham also had Krystle pay for her snakebite peircings. Whenever the money would take a while to arrive Hamlette would take to Facebook to whine and underhandedly accuse Krystle of not actually sending money.
Later Krystle came to Arizona to attend comicon with Amber, I couldn't determine whether Casey joined them or if he was at school, either way its weird.
So Amber was leaching of a teenagers struggling family while abusing them while having her whims and luxuries funded by a women who is generally presumed to be impaired in some way. What a wonderful person.
According to Casey, Amberlynn pretty much just disappeared one day in 2011 after Krystle sent money for a one-way flight to Virginia. Thus ends Hamlette's 3-year reign of terror on this families lives.
Next part is P3 Krystle era

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/_banjo_massacre_
Originally posted to insaneparents
My mother refuses to tell me anything about who my biological father is after a decade of asking
Editor's Note: This is a very long one that needed to split in two parts.
A big thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the help with transcribing the text messages
Trigger Warnings: Parental alienation, sexual assault, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, child abuse, gaslighting
Mood Spoilers: Emotional, happy for OP
 
Original Post - September 14, 2023
TRANSCRIPT OF TEXT MESSAGES
OOP in Blue
OOP's mom in Black
OOP: Hey Mom, hope you're doing well. I'm just gonna get straight to the point with this...
Recently, [My aunt] friend [Aunt's friend] found some old photos of someone named [My Dad?] in an old album that I'm sending with this text. It's hard to ignore the resemblance between him and me in terms of the chin, eyebrows, face shape, and physical build. My [aunt] [Aunt's friend] and now even [My fiancee] are convinced that's he's my father and they are actively trying to find him since these photos are from when they lived in [Area I currently live] They're looking through old yearbooks they can find online, tracking down the address and street info of where they think he lived, they're even looking for his two sisters and his parents to see if they're still in the area. It'll take some time and investigation, but I know that eventually they're gonna find him..
I also know this is an uncomfortable topic for you, and I know I've asked you about [My dad?] before, but I hadn't seen these pictures when I did. I've been thinking a lot about family lately especially with the wedding coming up and [grandpa's] passing a couple months ago, and I'd just really appreciate it if you could share any information or thoughts you have about this. It's important for me know more about my background and to understand my history better, and I hope we can have an honest conversation about it.
I don't want to keep asking about this, but I'm also never going to stop wondering. And I think it would be really awkward if we found [My dad?] and it turned out it really wasn't him. I don't even know yet if I want to try to meet whoever it really is, I just need to know who they are and where I come from. I hope you can understand why I feel this way.
OOP's Mom: Ok but he's not hard to find. He's a lawyer now and living [Place he lives] with his family
Hope that helps
Last I heard he was the president of a frisbee golf league and had his own practice
OOP: 🙁 okay
OOP's Mom: In case [My aunt] forgot his last name [is My dad's? last]
OOP: Is it really him?
OOP's Mom: I think he played rugby as well
Nope
But have it
OOP: Okay, can you tell me anything about who it really is? Please?
OOP's Mom: As I am sure you are aware I am out of town. When I return, if you would like to get together to discuss this I would be glad to.
OOP: I've been asking for years now and this is the most forthcoming you've ever been, and you're not actually giving me anything here, just denying. If you could give me any info and show me you're actually willing to share, I'd be willing to meet and discuss further.
OOP's Mom: That's your choice
OOP: 🙁 okay
I do just want to be clear as to why I'm not just going to meet without you providing any info, and it's because I'm not going to waste my time for you to just repeat that [My stepdad] is the only father I've ever known.
First of all, he's not [my grandpa] was more of a father to me. [Two of my uncles] [Uncle #3] were more fatherly to me than [stepdad] ever was. And now whenever anyone asks about who my dad is, my first thought is to think of [Teacher who took me in after I graduated] And second, I don't care really care about what father I've known because I'm asking you about the one I don't. I'm not even looking to have a relationship with whoever it is, or replace you or [Stepdad] as my parents or anything like that, I just want to know where I come from.
I don't understand why you've been and are still being so difficult, and I really don't want mean to be mean about this, but you have told me literally nothing. You won't even give me a reason WHY you won't tell me. How else am I supposed to respond when you won't tell me anything, at all?
I'm more than happy to meet in person and discuss with you, but you have to show me that it's actually going to be a meeting of some value. You're not just gonna give me an ultimatum of meet you in person or never find out, that's just not fair after how you've acted in the past. Like I said, I don't want to waste my time hearing you repeat the same thing you've said me every other time I've asked. I want to actually make some progress here, and until you can show me you're actually willing to meet me in the middle on that then I'm not willing to trust you'll uphold your promise to discuss further.
OOP's Mom: Ok
OOP: Considering that this is like the #1 reason why our relationship is the way that it is, and you actually giving me some answers on this might actually do something to repair that relationship, I don't understand why you won't tell me anything. It's like you don't want to have any kind of relationship with me. Do you really hate me that much? Do you refuse to tell me anything to push me away?
OOP's Mom: I do not hate you at all. I love you very much! I offered to meet to discuss all of this. I gave you all of the information I have for [My dad?] so you can pursue that if you wish. You continue to believe anything and everything that [My aunt] tells you about my sex life which she knows nothing about and I find that absolutely disgusting of her. This is not a conversation for text and if you do not wish to speak with me then that is your choice. While this may be A reason that our relationship strained it isn't the only reason. Even after I give you answers I know things will not change, so please don't act like they will. Regardless, my offer still stands. I will be back by Monday. I'm off Mon/Wed afternoons and all day Fridays for the next couple of weeks before I go back to work full time. Just let me know. I hope you and [My fiancee] have nice relaxing evening! The wedding is getting so close. I bet she is so excited. I'm not sure if he told you or not but Grandpa is able to come after all! I'll be bringing him with us. He is really excited that he's able to make it. If for some reason you decide you don't want me can always there [my younger sister] bring him, so don't worry about that.
OOP: Mom I have already explained, you need to prove to me that you are actually going to give me information. It has been ten years since I found out, and for that entire decade you have refused to give me any information about my father. That has been your choice and it is why our relationship is the way that it is.
I do not believe anything and everything [My aunt] says. That is why I am trying to confirm it with you, because I don't think it's [My dad?]l still want to know. who my father is. If I believed [My aunt], I would already be on my way to [My dad?], but I'm here asking you just to tell me one fucking thing and you still won't. I don't understand why you won't. It literally makes no sense.
And you're right, our relationship will not just go back to normal if you tell me. But if you never tell me, then our relationship will NEVER improve and only get worse. That is also your choice, and one you continue to make.
I won't have a relaxing evening tonight, because of this. Because you still, after a decade refuse to tell me anything about my father. That's great that grandpa can come, I didn't even know he might not. I don't really want you at the wedding, but I'm not going to uninvite you or prevent you from coming. I wish you could come and we could escort you down the aisle, or have a mother-son dance with you, but I don't feel comfortable doing any of that with you because you continue to lie to me.
OOP's Mom: Ok, that's your choice. I have given a lot of information today. And offered to meet and tell you whatever you want to know that I know. I cannot do much else.
OOP: Do not try to deflect from what I'm talking about. You've given me a lot of information about [My dad?] who you also say is not my father. So unless you're recanting that, and now saying that he is my father, then like I said, for a whole decade you have refused to give me any information ABOUT MY FATHER. And like I said, I will happily meet you and discuss with you, but you HAVE to convince me that you're actually going to tell me anything. Because, unless [My dad?] IS my father, you have for a decade still refused to tell me anything.
 
Relevant Comments from OOP:

OP: Just to give a little context, up until I was 15 I thought my stepdad was my biological father. In a fight where he choked me and pinned me against a wall, he finally told me he wasn't my real dad. Ever since, I've been asking my mom who my father is, and every time I ask she just says that my step-dad was the only father I ever knew.
My aunt has a theory about who my father is. She was living with my mom around the time she got pregnant, and there was a guy that my mom had dated that she suspects. Over the weekend, my aunt found photos of who she thinks it is, and I actually do resemble him. So I decided to show my mom those photos, and ask her again, and this was how that went.
I honestly don't really know if I'll ever find out who my father. Nobody other than my mom actually knows who it could be, and I don't know how I can figure it out without her. And I know she says in these messages to meet her in person to discuss this, but over the last decade we have met about this topic 4 or 5 times and every time she just says "your stepdad is the only father you've ever known." Maybe if I did meet her, she actually would tell me, but I really just do not want to get my hopes up just to get burned again.
Anybody have any advice? lol 😢
Edit: holy shit...I really didn't expect this response and I will do my best to respond to some comments tomorrow but I gotta go to bed, this whole situation as reignited some feelings I think I've been bottling up and I have been feeling very overwhelmed today and I am just very sleepy. Thank you all for the support tho, I really really do appreciate it from everyone. Definitely considering a DNA test, as many have suggested.
Edit 2: so my Aunt that has been the driving force behind this theory is a little OCD and she has been writing notes in an appointment book every day of her life every year since she was 12. She found her appt book from 1997, and confirmed that around the time I would have been conceived was when my mom started dating the guy she suspects, to the point that my mom was seeing this guy daily. This was at the end of June. At the beginning of August, my aunt, my mom and her roommate went on a vacation to Florida, where my mom started throwing up after everything she ate. My aunt and her roommate got suspicious, made my mom take a pregnancy test, and it was confirmed. Only after that did my mom break up with the guy she was dating, and then immediately moved away. It's possible she cheated and was ashamed, or she was SA'd and didn't want to admit it to anyone, but because of how the timeline matches up so well, and the different ways I resemble this man, my aunt is going to reach out to make contact with him, and ask him if he thinks it's possible. Then if he does, we'll check DNA to confirm.

I'm with the other posters, get a DNA kit, see if anyone pops up.
Can you check your birth certificate for a father's name, or official birth records?

OP: I have my official birth certificate, the father section is blank. It's one of the only documents I was able to get from my mom when she and my stepdad kicked me out. Like I didn't ever get a SSN card from her or any other documents, like medical records. I kind of had to start over and get all the rest on my own.

 
Update - September 21, 2023 (One week later)
Hi all, last week I made a post about how my mother has refused to tell me anything about my biological father for the last 10 years, and so many of you responded with so much support and kindness, it was really overwhelming and I appreciate you all so much. Many people asked me to provide an update to the situation, so I wanted to write this up to share how things have progressed since then. I also wanted to provide more context about my mother and step-father, and how things devolved the way they did. This is gonna be pretty long, so sorry in advance.
TL;DR I found my biological father, we met earlier this week and took a DNA test to confirm. And he’s coming to my wedding next weekend. My mother, on the other hand, will not be welcome.
Before I get into how it all went with my dad (can’t believe I can say that now!!) I wanted to share some more context about what my life was like growing up. I saw a lot of people making some assumptions about me and my relationship with my mother, and I wanted to share more details with you all about that, just to give more context on what this journey has really been like.
I have some very very fuzzy memories from when my mom and I lived alone. When I was younger, I hadn’t really put the pieces together and I hadn’t ever suspected my step-father wasn’t my biological father. I would tell my parents then that I couldn’t wait to grow up, and be tall like him (he is 6’11”) and asked if my hair would turn dark like his had (he has black hair, but had blonde when he was young like me) along with other things I would talk about wanting to share in common with him. My parents always assured me it would happen one day.
When I was 13 and in 6th grade, a teacher of mine asked me a question I hadn’t ever been asked and had never thought about: Why is my last name different from both of my parents. I answered her and said that they got married after I was born, and that I just assumed they didn’t want to change it. But I went home, and asked my mom, and thats the first time I remember her really clamming up about the subject. After that, I started getting suspicious she was hiding something, and that made me think about my younger years a little more. My step-dad and I had never really gotten close since their marriage, we didn’t go out and do anything together. The year after they had gotten married, they had my sister, and that’s when I think I started getting pushed to the side a bit. That’s also when the spanking started. At first it was normal, just slaps on the ass, but eventually it escalated to slaps on the ass as hard as possible, then further to making me bend over a bed with my pants at my ankles and whipping my bare ass with a belt. The abuse wasn’t just physical, though. My step dad would call me things, like dumbass and shit for brains, for both big and small mistakes. I threw a snowball and hit his car one winter, caused absolutely zero damage, but that earned me my first belt whipping and an earful of yelling.
For a while, my mom seemed to just ignore these things. Then at some point when I was in my early teen years, one of my cousins came to live with us and I watched as my mom began to change too. I witnessed my parents emotionally abuse my cousin, in just really cruel ways. They would yell at her for little mistakes, called her dumbass to her face and to me and my siblings as well, they made fun of her for getting bad grades. When we were that young, we had chore charts with a bunch of different tasks we had to do everyday, and I remember one time when my cousin was tasked with wiping down all the baseboards in our house. My mom found one spot that still had mud, so they made my cousin re-wipe all of the baseboards with her toothbrush. Another time my cousin had made a mistake and been yelled at, and she was kind of really quiet and clearly upset. Because of that, my stepdad told her to get out of his sight and go stare at a wall in her room. And she did that, for over an hour just sitting and staring at the wall. When my stepdad found her like that, doing what he had told her to, he laughed and called her a dumbass for actually sitting and staring at the wall.
I saw all this, and I’m really ashamed to say that I participated in mocking my cousin, too. When they would pick on her, they would leave me alone, or compare me to her in front of her and tell her how much better I was at cleaning things or at school. And she would cry in front of them, and they just smiled and laughed at her and called her ridiculous. I acted like my parents, and to this day the way I had treated my cousin makes my stomach turn. Eventually, my cousin moved back to her grandmothers house, and my parents seemed to calm down a little bit. But at the time, I didn’t realize they were just going to shift their focus to a new target: me.
Just after I turned 14 years old, things with my parents had been getting sore again, but I had a bike and I used it to escape the house as much as I could. One day, at the very beginning of the summer before my freshman year of high school, I had a bad accident. I climbed on top of a jungle gym at a park with 2 of my friends, and I slipped and hit my head. An ambulance had to come, and I had to stay in the hospital for a couple days because I had a subdural hematoma, concussion, and needed staples. All of this cost a lot of money, and I think this is what finally broke the dam with my stepdad. Within a week of my injury, while still recovering from the concussion, my stepdad berated me for being an idiot, a dumbass, for costing him so much. He called me shit for brains any chance he got. And I knew he was right, I had been an idiot, and I hated myself for what I had done.
For my entire freshman year at school, things just kept getting worse. I knew my stepdad was resenting me more and more, so I spent less and less time at home, riding around on my bike as often as I could. Usually with friends, but sometimes just alone. At the end of my freshman year, after I turned 15.,my stepdad and I got into a an argument. My brother and I had gone to the basement to have a little “campout”(thats what we would call it if we slept somewhere that wasn’t our room) but my stepdad came and told him not to do that with me. As we went upstairs, I told my brother sorry that Dad was being mean about it, and thats when he turned around, charged at me, grabbed me around the throat and slammed me against a wall. I punched his face, but he just laughed and asked me “What the fuck are you doing?” Then he punched me back, and I started seeing stars. He let go of my throat, and I ran away, going upstairs to my room in the attic. He followed close behind, and I thought he was going to kill me, but instead he just very calmly said “You want to act like this, fine, you stupid ni***r. But just so you know, you are not my son, I am not your father.” And yes, that n-word is the one you think it is. We are both white.
The next day, my parents told me to call my grandpa and ask him if I could spend the summer with him. He said yes, and I left 2 days later, to another state. It was pretty nice to get away from them, and it was a nice summer. My grandpa bought me an iPod touch so I would be able to keep in touch. At the time, my parents refused to get me any kind of phone. When I got home, things were cold. My parents wouldn’t talk to me much, and I never really felt safe in that house again after that. When I was able to finally tell some other family members about what was happening, my aunt offered to let me come live with her. My grandma was super supportive, and wanted to help any way she could. But when my mom found out about this offer, all hell broke loose. She cut off both my aunt and grandma, forbid me from talking to them, took away my iPod, and grounded me from riding my bike or leaving the house. I felt so trapped, and I told them if they were gonna cut me off from everyone like that that they would seriously regret it one day. I wasn’t threatening them with violence, or even myself, but because of that my step-dad called the cops, told them I was suicidal, and I was committed to a mental hospital for 2 weeks.
That was also a nice escape away from home. Even though it was super strict there, I was being fed, and the employees that worked there would actually talk to me. They listened to my story, and one of them gave me some of the best advice I think he could’ve. He told me that the best I could probably do was keep my head down and wait until I was 18. And so, when I was released, thats what I did. I would only ask for things like to learn how to drive, which my parents refused to ever do, and otherwise I was quiet and obedient at home. My parents would give me the cold shoulder most of the time, and I felt very isolated for the next 3 years of my life.
When I graduated, I reached out to my grandma and aunt for the first time, and we were able to reconnect. My aunt bought me a phone and put me on her cell plan, and from there things escalated with my parents. They were livid I had met with my aunt and grandma, and essentially stopped talking to me completely. I was working on building a videography business, and I had been able to start working with a company in the city where I lived doing wedding videography, so I knew I would be able to save up money if I could just wait a little longer. Then the contract came.
My parents did not believe my videography work was a real job. I had just started right after graduating high school and only got the opportunity to film 4 or 5 before I was given the contract. This contract required I get a whole other job, minimum of 25 hours a week, I had to get myself a drivers license (but they wouldn’t teach me how to drive, I had to find and purchase a car for myself, I had to pay for insurance for myself. There were lots of little things I had to do. I asked them what would happen if I didn’t sign the contract, and my stepdad said that if I didn’t he would kick me and all my stuff out onto the curb that day. My mom just sat in silence. So, I signed.
The next day I told one of my high school teachers that I needed advice. He was great at listening, and he and I had become friends as much as a student and teacher can. When I told him the entire story, he did something I didn’t expect. He said he had already assumed that something was bad at home, and that he had talked to his wife already, and that they were offering to let me come live with them. And I did. From there, he and his wife helped me learn how to drive. Within 3 months, I got my drivers license. The next month, I got my first car. After 6 months of living with them, I was able to move into an apartment in the city, and I’ve been living on my own ever since.
I’m 25 years old today, and over the last 10 years I’ve tried to reconcile with my parents, either visiting for a quick christmas or inviting my mom and siblings over to my apartment. In that span of 10 years, I recall 8 separate times I asked my mom who my father was. 5 of those times were in person, 1 was over the phone, and the last two were over text. The last post I made was that second attempt over text. The last time I asked my mom in person, I asked her about the man that my aunt had suspected to be my father. To my face, my mom denied he was my dad. Last week, when I texted her and asked again, with the photos of him, she denied him again, and said he was not my father. This time, I didn’t believe her.
So last Friday, after I made my post, I called this man. He thought it was possible that I was his kid, so we met in person the following Monday, to see each other in person, but also to take a paternity test. After the test, we spent pretty much the rest of the day together, talking about his and my life. He’s an amazingly sweet guy, really kind and caring, and he told me that day that if I really was his son, that he had already made a place in his heart for me, and that he would be really disappointed if I wasn’t his kid. On Wednesday, our DNA lab results came back, and we were a 99.999999% match. I had finally found my biological father.
Some of the things my mom has done in this situation confuse me greatly. She never told anyone the truth, and even lied and told people about either a wrestler or a random guy she had a one night stand with were my father. After she had me, she actually called my bio-dad once, and she told him she had a son but that I wasn’t his son. Someone else told him I was half black(he is also white), and so he never thought I was or even could be his son after that, and he didn’t really even know I existed until I called him last Friday. She also denied that he was my father on two separate occasions, explicitly. And I really don’t know why she kept me from him, or kept me in the dark about him, because he is seriously so nice. He’s already called me family, shared images and stories about his wife and kids and extended family, told me stories. Last night, he got to meet my fiancee for the first time after we got our positive match, and then he gave us $5000 to help cover some of our wedding costs, just out of nowhere. He thinks his kids are going to be excited to have a big brother, and he wants to do his best to make up for lost time with me, even though he has an 8 week old baby right now, and I just can’t be any more overwhelmed with happiness and excitement, just at the fact that he wants me in his life. I was so scared for so long my dad just didn’t want me, so to have him act like this has just been…kind of surreal.
This is getting long, and I think I’ve summarized pretty much all the relevant context to this situation. If anyone has any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them quickly. I’m also going to post images of the contract my parents forced me to sign so you all can see what that was like, and how even in that kind of a document they would belittle/demean me and the things I did for work. To all that offered support and were so kind to me on my previous post, I appreciate you all and hope that you’ve enjoyed this roller coaster of a story. To anyone that read all of this, thank you for taking the time 🙂
Editor's Note: OOP has shared a picture of the contract that he was asked to sign
Relevant Comments from OOP:

OP: Here are images of the contract I was forced to sign
On the first page of the contract: It reads “Parent/Adult Child Household Agreement”. The text said “This contract was set forth on October 30, 2016 in order to establish rules for [OOP’s name] while living in this household as an adult child. This contract runs from this date till February 13rd, 2017 or when the above party leaves for another living situation. On this date, the contract will be reviewed if the above party is still in residence. Both mom and dad reserve the right to change this contract at any time and as a courtesy will give [OOP’s name] 5 days notice before the change takes effect.
Summary: Parents created a list of how much OOP will pay for rent which covers housing, and all utilities including electricity, water, etc. The payment was to be up on 13th every month. If Rent isn’t paid by 20th of the month, OOP will pay a late fee of $50. The rent comes to the total of $280.
On the second page, it shows that OOP must agree to complete the lists of chores to help the parents such as feeding/watering and cleaning messes for dogs living at the house. OOP also was required to do some other chores like vacuuming, taking out trash, sweeping and so on. OOP isn’t allowed to have any overnight guests without approvals. He was required to obtain a part time job (25 hours a week). If he loses a job, he will have up to 2 weeks to find another job. If no new job is found, OOP would have to do extra household chores to help those who are working.
OOP was given a date to obtain valid driver’s license, a minimum of liability insurance, and a vehicle to drive. He is responsible for his gas, insurance, and maintenance of the vehicle. Parking will be on the streets. OOP was also responsible for doing his own laundry once a week on Wednesdays. He has the responsibility for his own personal space and will keep it clean and orderly.
OOP was asked to be respectful, responsible, and safe to himself and all members of the household all times. Then below of the contract, he signed the agreement as the adult child along with a parent’s signature (likely to be the mother’s).

 
This is wonderful news! Your last post made me so angry with your mother and I’m thankful you were able to provide us with an update!
I am curious though, what does your dad (yay!!) have to say about all this? Does he have any insight on who your mother was around the time you were conceived? I’m still wondering if maybe she had multiple partners and suspected he was your dad, but wasn’t fully sure. The reason I wonder about that is because the comment she made on your last post about her sex life. Aside from that, her keeping this from you for 25 years tracks with the abuse you experienced in her home. To put it bluntly, your mom and stepdad are pieces of shit.
On the topic of her, does she know you found him? What has she had to say for herself? What’s her lame ass excuse for keeping you from him? I hope she’s embarrassed and ashamed, but I have a feeling she’s not capable of feeling either of those emotions.
I’m so happy for you OP, that you can put this chapter behind you and move on with your new life. You’re getting married, you have your dad and a whole new family! How exciting!

OP: My dad is over-the-moon excited just like me, I think we're both champing at the bit to spend time together and make up for lost time, but he's got an 8 week old baby and I don't want to take time away from them. His wife is also very shocked at the moment, so we're going very slowly with all of that, and I totally understand and appreciate the position she's in right now.
As far as his take on what happened, my mom was very hot/cold with him back then, sometimes being all about him one day and then putting up a wall the next. As far as anyone knows, my mom was not sleeping around at the time and solely focused on my dad. I also don't think she doubted he was my father, because we realized she's been keeping up with his life for the past 26 years since they were together. I don't think she just did that by coincidence, y'know?
As far as her tho, I don't think she knows I know. I think I'm gonna call her, see if she'll lie again, and then I'll confront her with the truth if she does. But yeah, idk if she's the kind of person capable of feeling shame or anything like it. She's the type that, in her mind, she can do no wrong.

Continuing in the Part Two of the BoRU
 
Reminder - I am not the original poster.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Feel free to judge me all you want, that's sorta why I'm here anyway. To see how bad this really is. Long story short many years ago I saw a video of a guy taking some classic Macintosh computers from an electronic recycling drop off. I lamented to my dad about how I wish we had something like that near us. To my surprise we did, and eventually we made a habit of going to it and seeing if anything neat showed up. Originally it was just me and him but as my brothers caught wind of it they started going too and much more frequently. I started going back in high school and I'm 20 now. We've probably been there like 150 times or more. There would be periods of time where I would teeter between feeling like I should stop going and times where I thought I was over reacting. One side of me was terrified that there would be some illegal pornography or something on a hard drive or something, or that I was going to interfere with the police finding that computer and arresting the person who was responsible and that children might not be saved or something because of me. I also felt badly about it from a purely privacy standpoint too. On the other hand I would tell myself that it was just OCD. I never steal, or cheat or break any laws whatsoever, I don't even jaywalk, so I told myself if my one big crime against the world was taking some doomed computers from a recycling bin then that would be alright with me. But I wish I'd never started going. I did my best to avoid taking things with hard drives but I've taken a handful of things that did. I would justify it mainly because they were old and cool and whatever. My brothers on the other hand were only interested in new stuff, my one brother found an SSD or two and wiped them and started using them, he also likes to bring home lots of laptops, smartphones and similar stuff. My other brother was into similar things but moreso iPods and phones. He would take destroyed iPhones and iPads to add to his collection, slowly obtaining just about every model of apple phone. Some of them worked and he messed around with them, but most were trashed and were just there as a keepsake. I'm guilty of finding a few iPods and stuff for him too. Its scary to think we have no idea what's on all of them, same goes for all of the crap my other brother took too. My sister found and iPod touch with some voice recording diary on it and listened to some of it. I've also looked at what's on something a couple times as I would convince myself it was my responsibility to make sure there wasn't any illegal stuff on them, sometimes I would just return the hard drives to be destroyed other times I looked a little but mainly I just left them alone and never touched the computers again just storing them for future use. One time I found a voice recorder and felt compelled to check it, one of the tracks seemed to be a therapy session or something, I didn't listen to it any further, and returned it but I still feel bad altering anything like removing hard drives and returning them separately as that makes them unidentifiable to law enforcement. I don't know what I was thinking, I've gotten some really cool stuff but its not worth it. Not even close, I'd go back and do things differently in a second. I hate the weight on my shoulders and that I'll have to somehow live with knowing I could have screwed up an investigation or someone finding and reporting something, even if that chance is small. I don't really know what to do with all the stuff I've taken. Just return it to be destroyed? It won't change anything as I already removed it then when they might have been looking for it. But maybe just return the stuff as I don't deserve to have it. I dunno anymore I just wish I'd never started going. I hate feeling this way. I don't know if I should turn myself in or something, but that could ruin my life. It could also force law enforcement to have to search all of my computers and stuff which would take an eternity and waste their time when they could be out there actually helping people with real cases. I dunno, I'm thinking of trying to go into digital forensics, I think it could be fulfilling but also as a way to try to repay for my actions. I just hope I can handle the pressure. I think I'm more of a writer than anything else but I don't think I can write anymore really, I feel like I've tainted myself because of this, and several other reasons (see my very first post if you're interested, you'll have to unblock NSFW stuff to see it so be careful) I think I can do a good job but it's hard to convince myself to even start working towards that career. The FBI won't hire you with any criminal record, and I imagine most other organizations involved with digital forensics wouldnt hire me either if I turned myself in. It's so hard living a life you feel you ruined but not being able to give up because you want to be happy so badly and are afraid of death... Any suggestions, comments or insights would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Platform(s): Ios (iphone 4 and ipod touch)
Genre: 2D platformer (light physics elements)
Estimated year of release: 2010's or around when steve jobs was still alive.
Graphics/art style: Basic and colorful flat objects with round shading. (first game) Fully Polygonal with more detailed textures. (sequel)
Notable characters: A red rubber ball (player character and both games' namesake). A space robot head (boss). A sock (friendly npc from first game) A Dollar Bill who's name sounded like yours. (Sequel Final Boss)
Notable gameplay mechanics (from the sequel): Roll left/right and jump. (usually on top of non-spiked enemies.
Collect gems. (I think they were all green)
Find secrets behind false walls.
A ninja double jump powerup. (included bandana) A parachute powerup. A shield piwerup. (these powerups would be announced by name by the ball when you collected them.)
An achivement called "partched" you would get by catching a water droplet from the falling from the ceiling.
Other details: The games took place in a world where missing items go. all I remember from the first game was a spiky plant boss, and an overworld screen like in SMB3 or NSMB (paths connecting to different colored circles.
Everything else I remeber is from the sequel: One of the early bosses was a walking coin who would try to fall on you
A Space level with Super Mario galaxy style gravity puzzles, and some neumatic tubes to fly through (sonic 2 style)
The first world in the sequel was set in some ancient Floating ruins, with a secret World 1-1 reference to SMB.
Another level was set in a castle with spiked crushers on chains you had to use as lifts (and balance on)
The final boss would fly across the screen and drop spikeballs.
Levels were entered through portal doors which required a certain collectible quota. (boss doors and extra difficult leveFinally ls would have an alarm paired with the difficulty meeter cracking.
Worlds were selected by going through a Door with a magic portal behind it. These world doors were in a platforming hub in the floating ruins area.
Each door would send you to it's own level hub with more doors to individual levels
hidden in some levels were doors to Trippy Rainbow Bonus Levels (which were kaizo mario difficulty)
You could unlock skins for your ball like spiral rainbow or solid colors.
Both games had a "lite" demo and a full version to buy. (I only beat the sequel with an invincibility cheat.

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years. my last relationship was very toxic, so coming into this one i was very transparent about how important it was to me that that didn’t happen again. at first things were great. before we even started dating my boyfriend and i talked openly about our expectations, needs, wants, etc. and it seemed like we were on the same page. then when we started dating we upheld all of those things for quite a while. i don’t know what sparked it, but randomly one day my boyfriend just started to be very distrustful towards me. i think he was kind of always that way but didn’t want to tell me before we started dating for fear of scaring me away, so he waited until we were more comfortable. i have also since found out that he had an old relationship in middle school/high school where he was cheated on, which he says is the reason why. now insecurity and anxiety are two things i have dealt with before, and even sometimes struggle with today. i understand where he is coming from in moderation as he also struggles with these things, but his lack of trust in me is just on another level to the point where i can’t even begin to understand. the thing is, i never even did anything to deserve his loss of trust. it just happened. this was almost a year ago at this point and things just haven’t gotten any better- maybe even worse. part of that i do blame on myself though, as there has been a handful of times i have lied to him in between then and now, however, it was not because i was genuinely trying to hide anything or be dishonest. i was scared of him. this is because his distrust eventually turned into him being quite controlling of me. as in he would tell me what i can and can’t do, look through my phone regularly, track my location, etc. it literally got to the point where he would always read my texts before i even could. this continues even to today, literally almost every waking second of our lives. furthermore, whenever he saw or heard something he didn’t like (again, nothing bad just a friend wanting to hang out, life 360 not updating, me catching up with an old friend over text, etc.) he would get extremely upset to the point where he would sometimes even scream and get physical with me. at the very least, i would always get drilled with questions for hours and oftentimes searched. i'd also like to go on the record and say that in most of these instances involving friends it was girls, if that matters. anyways, I'll give a little backstory to the two times i have had to lie to him out of fear: once was when i was being bombarded by text messages from random numbers claiming to be my friends when it was really just a bunch of fake numbers all from one person i didn't know. when this started happening it was late at night and i was not with my boyfriend. i initially texted the number back because i was dumb and convinced it was actually my friend, but quickly realized it was an impersonator so i blocked them and deleted the messages (i always do that). the next day i told my boyfriend about it because i thought it was funny how dumb i was, and he absolutely blew up on me for handling it myself in the moment without telling him before i blocked/deleted them. because he couldn't physically see the messages himself- he thought i must have been texting some boy behind his back? he ended up threatening to break up with me for hours while i cried, took my phone, completely wiped it even though i didn't want him too, and tried to background reset it so he could see the messages. it didn't work. a couple of days later the number tried reaching me again and again, each time getting increasingly weirder. then they ended up texting my mom and a couple of my friends pretending to be me. as much as i wanted to confide in my boyfriend during that stressful time, i was traumatized and horrified of how he may react so i told him that it never happened again. now a common theme is that i don't like lying, nor is it ever something i just do, so i did end up telling him about the situation months later after it had stopped just for the sake of being honest. he was upset and then told me it only made him trust me less. another time was when i went on a europe trip for school. there was one boy there who my boyfriend was intimidated by and therefore asked me not to talk to. i agreed and didn't for the whole first half of the trip. however, the one girl i was really close with on the trip and hung out with 24/7 ended up befriending the guy and inviting him to go shopping with us in one of the cities, so i obviously had to be friendly. plus, our chaperone had actually confronted me and the girl a day before and told us we needed to be more social with people other than ourselves because for whatever reason she wasn't happy with us for that. anyways, me and the guy weren't friends or anything, but i had spoken to him, so i felt like i needed to tell my boyfriend. i called him that night and told him everything, and i don't know if its because my friend was there or what but he seemed completely fine. he didn't even text me about it in secret afterwards or anything. it was only the next afternoon that my boyfriend absolutely blew up on me for it, however, at this point i had spoken to the guy a little more since my boyfriend seemed fine with it and even got his number to stay in contact since he was a nice friend. i will mention that he had a thing going on with some other girl at this point on the trip which my boyfriend also knew about. he was completely invested in her and i talked about my boyfriend so much it annoyed people on the trip so there was obviously nothing going on. anyways, my boyfriend demanded we stop talking, which i tried to do but it was really hard because i wasn't allowed to tell him how my boyfriend felt. i ended up telling my boyfriend we weren't talking anymore, and while i tried my best we still sometimes did but very briefly. my boyfriend continued to berade me about him every day, and even would call me and force me to screen share so he could check that i wasn't talking to him or moreover, any other guys on the trip. for that reason, i ended up deleting all of our previous messages so i didn't have to hear it. he was genuinely ruining my trip by expecting me to do this for him at his beg and call while i was trying to enjoy europe. when i got home i stuck by that narrative, but he ended up using the phone i was using as an ipod to see all of my messages, and thus he found the ones i deleted. it was nothing bad, mostly just texts between him, my friend, and i trying to find each other while we were out in the cities. the "worst" of it according to my boyfriend was when i realized i had actually previously been friends with the guy back in middle school and asked him if he remembered that. anyways, him finding that out himself (although i was also planning on telling him later) absolutely ruined his trust in me according to him, which essentially just meant things would go on the exact same because its apparently been ruined since day one. i will also mention that in both of these situations i explained to him that i did it because i literally felt forced to out of fear, and how i hate lying and it makes me sad i feel that way, but he wouldn't take that. that leads us to the present, where things are literally exactly the same. it doesn't matter if there's literally nothing for him to go off of at this point, he always makes something up. for example, today my phone died at work because i had been calling him for both of my entire breaks (which we don't usually do), and he just automatically accused me of being on facetime with another man while i was literally on the floor working all day- which is impossible. then he accused me of having a possible trap phone that i was using my phone as a hot spot for and that's why it drained so fast. etc. yesterday my life 360 glitched and showed that i basically teleported to work in one minute when its really a 30 minute drive. it updated when i got to work after exactly 30 minutes past the time i texted him to tell him i was leaving, so i obviously didn't stop anywhere, but he thinks i did anyways. then he brought up the possibility that i must have left in the middle of the night and didn't tell him, but he knows my house has ample security so i can't do that and we were literally on the phone all night anyways. some other things he's gotten on my case for include not answering his calls and texts, not answering his calls or texts FAST enough, going to take a shit at work, wearing my new shoes to work, wearing makeup out, etc. so yeah. I've basically tried everything at this point and nothing works. he has my location, i let him look through my phone, i send picture documentation, etc. i've tried to nicely reason with him, although admittedly at this point i just have an attitude in return because i am so fed up. meanwhile, the other day he was texting a random number that he had muted, and when i asked him who it was he said it was his friend's new number. AS I SAID i struggle with some insecuiety and anxiety as well from time to time, and for the first time in months i simply asked him if i could see for confirmation because i really didn't think it made sense. despite the fact that i do everything for him every day, including look through my entire phone, he refused and ended up leaving. when he ended up coming back he had deleted it so i couldn't see it if i wanted to. i had to just shut up, and that i did. it was really a slap in the face and made me wonder why i do so much for him if he would just do that to me in return. how can i fix this? i don't want it to cause the end of our relationship.

I'm narrowing in on a solution and want to run it by the group. My previous solution for syncing my iTunes Library from my PC to the SD card on my Samsung A51 has stopped working. This is how I downloaded my library into GMMP (and GMMP has been working great for this; much better than my old player). I'm looking for a replacement software to move the music to my Android. I *do not* want to move off of iTunes; I use it to sync two iPod Classics. I do want my phone to be a mirror of the music library on my PC. My iTunes Library has about 53.3K songs in it (my iPods have about 40K songs, as above that the library gets wonky)
I've looked into DroidTransfer. It seems to have trouble working with the SD card on the A51. I've asked the folks behind TransGo (as I use WonderShare's PDFElement), but I'm a bit nervous with the developer. I've been searching for a while, and think I've hit on a multi-step solution. I'd like to know what the experts here think.

1. Use syncthing (https://syncthing.net/) on my Windows PC and Android to mirror the iTunes Music library to a directory on the SD card. I'd set up the iTunes Music folder as send-only, and the other side as receive only (I think -- not sure about the receive only). That should mirror all the music and podcast files to the SD card.
2. Periodic scans from GMMP should update the Android media library.
3. I currently have a perl script that I run on my PC that can slurp in an exported iTunes Library XML file, a saved GMMP XML stats file, and then rewrite the stats file with the updated iTunes metadata. I then load that into GMMP and get the updated file dates, play counts, and ratings (I cheat: a 0 rating comes in as 0.5, as GMMP reads a rating of 0 as a null field). I only need to run this perl script when I want to sync up counts and stuff.
4. The only other issue is playlists. Smart playlists are no problem with GMMP (except for those that scan the comments field). I'm thinking I can just export as .m3u the playlists in iTunes to a playlist directory, and have that sync over. The Filescanning on GMMP should then pick up the playlists. The only thing I don't know is how GMMP would handle the full path names in the exported play lists (e.g., "M:\Music\iTunes\Music\Various Artists\Bluegrass At Newport_ Recorded Live At T\11 Little Footsteps In The Snow.mp3"). But I could likely write a perl script to shcnage the pathname to reflect the SD Card path ("/storage/9C33-6BBD/sync1932 Revival Cast/Show Boat (1932 Revival Cast)/01 Overture.m4a"), for it should just be a matter of changing the path before the album artist directory name.

Thoughts? Although this is a partially manual approach, I really only do it about every 2 weeks. My phone provides a backup of my music library, and allows me to see if I have an album when I'm out shopping for music.
Daniel

Background: My dad(55m) has never been very faithful to my mom(58f). They’ve been married for over 30 years, and around 2013 I found out he’d been cheating on her with a woman, let’s call her Alex(40-60f) from the place we’d just moved from (imagine small town moving to big city) through a weird connection of my iPod to his iPhone. Alex was sending him photos of a baby, and explicit messages proving they were having some kind of relationship. I told my mom this, and it was obviously uncomfortable and she was angry with me. She very clearly felt that it was none of my business. When she confronted him, he denied everything. This really damaged our relationship.
Later, around 2015, he accidentally left himself logged into his Facebook account on the family computer, where he was messaging a woman(45-55? F)explicitly. She was also married as far as I know. I told him I saw those messages, and he stated they were just friends and that I shouldn’t punish him for having friends and I don’t understand how hard his life is.
We’ve had many fights and issues in the past, and he’s likely a narcissist. Not to mention, he was very sexually inappropriate with me throughout my life, until my adulthood. I came home from university and he slapped my ass, which I yelled at him to stop. He has gaslighted me throughout my childhood, and decimated parts of my relationship with my mom by constantly talking shit about her whenever she wasn’t around. I believed she was horrible until I left for school and had a few wake up calls. She definitely isn’t perfect but we’ve worked so much on our relationship, and we are in a really good place right now. What’s happening is breaking my heart. I feel like I finally have a mom who loves me and understands me, and I feel like she’ll never forgive me.
My dad offered me a position at his small business for a few weeks this summer. I’m in nursing school, so I work as an unpaid intern for 2 months into the summer, so I said yes because they do not financially support me and I really need the money. I’m in school full time and I live away from home, I have for four years. I live in City A. His business is in a city(city b) about 4 hours away from my family’s place(city c), where my mom lives. Essentially, he travels and lives in city b from Monday-Thursday, and then returns back to city C on the weekends.
He left his phone out on my desk about a week and a half ago, and I saw a text from a woman, we can call her Jane(50-60f). Of course, I didn’t want to look. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The next day, I looked on his phone and found that he’s been chatting with 5 different women, all of them for over 6 months at least. ‘Jane’ thinks that they are in a monogamous relationship. I have no idea if any of them know about my mom. He is using a fake name for ‘jane’ on his phone, and I’m sad to say I really snooped around. When he was in meetings, I looked through his phone and his computer. I guess it was my way of compartmentalizing. I took screenshots and photos of it I also found texts from a woman confirming child support payments and found photos of a child. I have a half-brother that I didn’t know existed. My dad is already a selfish, workaholic, asshole, and he’s completely abandoned that child. Apparently he visited the small town we moved from last year. I don’t know how long or of what nature his relationship is with the mother of that child. I don’t know if my mom is aware of this child either. I am too scared to confront my father and am honestly scared he will text with violence. If he’s hiding this much from my mom, where’s the boundary line…I don’t know what he would do to keep me quiet.
Not to mention, I’m a lesbian. My father is in denial of my sexuality and my gender expression. I can’t believe I’ve spent my life so worried about what he thinks of my being with a woman, while he’s with FIVE(not including my mom).
I don’t know what to do. Last weekend my friend visited, and I couldn’t speak to my mom. We’re heading back to city C tomorrow night, and I have no idea how to approach this with my mom. I’m so scared of how she’ll react, and if she’ll have a strong shoot the messenger reaction. She always defends him when I point out the obvious awful things he does. I will literally be blowing up the lives of everyone in my family. I need to figure out how to talk to her about this, and how much she knows. Is it really possible she doesn’t know about a child he’s had for at least 10 years?
I am going to say something to my mom. How should I say it? Should i give her all the info I have or just give her my dads phone? She’s not great with tech.
I’m really out of my depth here folks.
TLDR: my narcissistic dad is cheating on my mom with 5 women, and he has a son with another woman that he’s hiding from my family