Right now I’m an office manager at a Ad agency and I’ve been given the chance to shadow a PM over the last couple months with the intent of moving into it. I’m 25, lost my way for a couple years and now I’m really trying to “make it”. I like what I’ve seen, it’s not my dream(to be fair, no job is) but it makes a lot of sense to me and it feels like I wouldn’t mind doing it/moving with it for 5-10+ years (I recognize I’m young and have no idea how I’ll feel eventually)
I’m really just looking for advice! I’m at the stage in the process where I have to commit or it’s been a waste of time for myself and the PM who’s been helping me.
Ask me anything you might need

Mistress Carrie (posted 5-2-24 via Youtube)
New Album info starts approx. 6:50 (This was already posted)

• Done, “currently, I think, an 11 song album with 2 bonus tracks”
• Single picked, opening track (this will be the first time that’s ever happened for a studio album)
• “Single, I think, coming to radio in like July”
• “Album, I think, is slated for September 20th”
• Single will be called Judas Mind
• Around 4 minutes long
• Doesn’t think the next album will take 4 years

Setlist discussion starts approx. 8:30

• Carrie asked process for picking songs “do you fight out who’s songs get on the setlist” “Definitely not” (then there’s some side talk about Fortnite)
• Only 60 minutes, so there’s really only 12 songs, because they average about 5 minutes/song
• Have to pick a) which ones the fans want to hear the most, which are the most popular “you’re never going to make anybody happy” and (B)) you want to find a flow that’s easy to make sense as you go through the set
• “It is time to change the set up, today, because we’ve been playing the same set for the last week and a half or so. We’ll make some changes today and see how that goes for the next few days, kinda tweak it as we go” (looks like since then they've added Truth into the setlist in place of Bruised & Bloodied)
• “But really, we’re here to serve the audience rather than ourselves. It’s very easy to get up there and play songs we want to play more than we want to play the singles but the singles are what gets the response. In return that’s how you get the great feedback from the crowds.”
• “So Broken’s always on there, Fine Again’s always on there” (this got a legit LOL from me because I can just imagine Shaun’s rolling his eyes based on the attitude that went with this) “Songs that people have known the longest for example, Fake It, those are staples”
• “When you come down to 12 songs there’s not much space for wiggle room. You can play 12 singles that did really well and people know and love, but you’re always going to get ‘well why didn’t you play that one song’” “Sorry, only had the 12 songs, only had the hour but we still try to serve as well as we can”
• “Our job is to entertain you and if we play songs you don’t know or want to hear or don’t love…”

Misc

• Not mayhem backstage, they’re all older now.
• About the fans (post covid) “It’s amazing, we’ve always loved our fans a lot, same thing when it comes to the setlist, try to serve the fans, fact that we’re out here and they’re responding and so excited about it…” 14th week of touring in the last 4 years, which is crazy because they used to do 14 weeks at a time, take a break and go back out. It’s different in that sense. Fans have been great and they really appreciate it.
• Talks about their kids and if they know they’re rock stars.
• Shaun despised Zoom, made him feel even more isolated.
• Talks about the Bruised & Bloodied video where they were all made to stand 6ft apart and get tested even though they’d all been staying in the same house for a week. Called it a charade (referring more to the rules than Covid itself, based on the context).

98 Rock (posted 4-29-24 via Youtube)

• Not much of note here. 5 min interview, Marianne seemed to have no knowledge of the band.
• Think newer bands need the Social Media aspect more than bands that have been around for a while.
• On not being the headliner – less pressure, shorter set, get to watch the headliner. Get to see things you wouldn’t normally see and form your own opinion on bands.

WDHA Rock the Rock Fest 4-25-24 YouTube

• Maybe Shaun was just having an “off” day, but he didn’t seem very into doing this interview? Hood up, ballcap on, offering short handshakes, over-exaggerated smile during the photo (which he does with some regularity, but combined with the other things…)
• It’s odd to hear Terrie calling him one of the most accessible artists during Covid considering how open he has been about how much he hated Zoom.
• The second year of lockdown/Covid “felt like shenanigans” but was life-changing. Affected his feelings on touring and being away from his kids, doesn’t feel like that’s something he can do anymore. Doesn’t feel the same way he used to after it was all taken away from him. Left him feeling devalued.
• Calls them a “radio band”: to a radio station it’s a band that connects with people
• I liked that Terrie took the time to speak to EVERYONE with something specific. While Shaun handled the most of it, she also asked Dale about his fishing/geacooking, John about The Nixons, and Corey about his previous bands.

Dear Reddit community,
I need some relationship life advice.
I (23 female) am currently involved with a 27 (male) partner. I love him and he loves me, but I often wonder if our relationship is worth continuing. Half the time we are each others' best friend and lovers and we get along amazingly... however the other half of the time we argue over the stupidest things and the arguments go round and round in circles for a while (and I'm not joking, we argue SO fucking much). To give an example, just this past weekend I drove up to see him as well as celebrate his friends' family visiting from South America (we are long distance) and on the car ride there, I ask if we are staying in his motorhome he has there. He wouldn't give me a straight answer and I was wanting to know so that 1) we could save money instead of going to a hotel 2) we wouldn't have to worry about checkout times 3) I wanted to know where the hell I was driving to! Instead of giving me a straight answer about why he preferred to stay at a hotel, he went round in circles and got upset that I was asking. We eventually figured that argument out and it turns out he didn't want to stay in the motorhome because he still needed to clean it and he didn't want to welcome me in that kind of environment (the next day we went to his motorhome so I could help him organise).
That same night when we're celebrating his friend and her family, he starts smoking his friend's vape and is attached to it pretty much the whole night. Obviously it is his choice what he does with his body, but it sucks when your partner tells you he quite vaping/smoking and then as soon as he has the opportunity he picks it right back up again and blames his friends for his vaping problem. The group was playing some fun Brazilian music to dance to, and so I go up to my partner to ask him to dance with me and I playfully try to push the vape away from his hand (he was just sitting there vaping). I didn't slap his hand, I didn't forcefully take it away from him, I wasn't disrespectful in anyway - I was just trying to be playful and was hoping he would put it down and dance with me. I allowed my expectations to upset me. I was expecting/hoping that he would put it down and dance with me. Instead, he was like "not now babe" and reaches for another hit of nicotine. I got upset by this because we haven't seen each other in over a month, we only have a few hours together, and first he gets weird/upset about the motorhome thing and then it feels like he chooses spending time with the vape over dancing with the person he calls the love of his life. (and maybe I am overreacting with this particular situation, it just hurts watching him hurt his health like that then blame his friends and it feels like my partner has no self control when it comes to that kind of stuff).
That was Friday. On Sunday morning, his alarm went off at 6 am which of course also woke me up. He started getting up/moving around/making a bunch of noise, and I try asking him what's going on. No response. I ask again and I ask "Do we really need to be awake at 6?" because in my mind his flight back to his state isn't until the afternoon and I was the one taking him to the airport so do I need to start getting ready too?? like why are you up so early? can you please explain what is happening? Like the motorhome situation - in which he would not clearly explain what was going on - he just got mad at me saying I was tripping about the alarm and that I shouldn't ask him questions in that kind of tone of voice (what tone of voice?!?!?). He just started getting so upset that I asked if we needed to be up at that time and I was so confused by his response because it really didn't seem fair to me. When he got back in bed I did not want to be touched by him - I was so sad that I feel like I can't even ask my partner simple questions without him getting upset. He tried to go on explaining why I shouldn't ask questions like that and justifying his response. I get first thing in the morning after not much sleep people can be a little cranky, but dude to tell me I'm tripping and then evading my one question/getting defensive? not cool to me. After it's clear I'm not buying his response, he apologises and asks me to forgive his reaction, which I do and we're back to being fine. That day before dropping him at the airport, we drop off some his clothes we organised at the donation centre and then he realises he can't find his car or motorhome keys. so we spend the whole time before the airport with me driving him around to various locations to find his keys, we search my whole car, he has me search my entire bag... we can't find the fucking keys anywhere. But we were both like, no worries, they will show up somewhere. And we had a good time about it. No arguments, no complaints, he was grateful that I was helping him with his shit.
The next morning I find them in my car and I send him a picture with "omg babe, guess what I just found!" and instead of being relieved/happy that I found them, he BLAMES ME for not having seen the keys before. to be clear, I never once touched his motorhome keys. I had no idea until Sunday morning that we would even be looking for them. He blames ME for HIM losing HIS keys. I wouldn't take that shit from him. Then he went on saying that I need to "centre myself," that he has a right to feel the way he does blah blah, and sure he has a right to feel whatever he desires, but he has no right to blame me for anything! especially after I spent a good amount of time and fuel helping him do things he should've figured out on his own a long time ago and it is so easy to ship him the keys. not a big problem at all. and when I sent the key picture, he had a New York bottle opener on the keychain, and I was like "oh cool! Have you been to New York??" with the intention of getting to know my partner better - I think it's could he potentially took a trip there and I was asking in a light hearted way and his response (over voice message) was a sarcastic "yeah babe, I go there every weekend." Again, I don't understand this response. I don't understand why my question was so bad and why he felt like avoiding it? Maybe he was stressed about the whole key situation/ feeling jet lagged from the flight. But still. it sucked. I basically told him that I wouldn't take this shit from him that he cannot blame me and not take ownership of his own shit.
I just don't understand. I also have such a hard time leaving him. I tried before in the past - I felt pressured to move to Florida with him; he talked a lot about moving into together, having kids, etc etc and it was just moving too fast for me and I felt like I needed to leave because I can't give those things to him right now and it's not fair if that is something he wants and for me to stay in the relationship wanting different things at the moment. He convinces me to stay with him, saying he can wait for those things, but doesn't want to lose me. I stayed.
I'm just sooooo tired of these arguments! I'm tired of feeling like I can't ask basic questions without him getting upset. I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy when I'm clearly not at fault. I'm tired of feeling like I acquiesce to him. I sometimes feel like he needs me more than I need him and I don't want to be his mother cleaning up after him/keeping track of his shit and then getting blamed when I don't know where HIS things are.
And we have silly arguments like this so much in the past too. I feel like maybe I'm deluding myself thinking that when we are together for longing periods of time that we won't argue so much - that it's the stress of travel that causes us to bicker. or that I'm holding on to the really good parts of the relationship where we make each other laugh so hard and we can meaningful conversations. I worry that if we do someday have kids that they won't be able to come to him without him getting upset/weird/non-communicative. *sigh* what do I do? I know I just talked about the arguments of this past weekend so this post feels a little biased. But I feel stuck. Part of feels like maybe I should leave him, but the other part of me sticks it out. Am I secretly addicted to the drama? Or maybe I don't have a strong enough will

When it comes to post apocalyptic scenarios, there’s a ton that can be done, and I’m looking to explore that. Below, I’ll list a few ideas that we can do, but I’d love to discuss those ideas further, build on them, and even hear any new ideas you might have.
Zombie Apocalypse Perhaps this might be overused, but personally, it’s been years since I’ve had a solid zombie apocalypse story, and I’d like to do one again. They can be really fun and in depth, it gives us the option to have just our main characters, or even include some side characters if we see fit. For this, our characters can be strangers, married, whatever we want. Like I said, I’m looking for someone willing to discuss and play these out.
Nuclear Apocalypse Think Fallout, and if you haven’t played or seen Fallout, that’s fine! No knowledge of that is needed since this would be our own original story. Again, we can be whoever we want, in whatever part of the world just trying to survive, live a normal life, and make it to the next day.
Climate Apocalypse Ever seen “The Day After Tomorrow”? Great movie, I recommend it. It’s about the world falling into a state where various weather related catastrophes happen, like multiple tornadoes, floods and rain, and freezing temperatures. It would throw the world out of balance, and force people to survive various harsh conditions.
The Last People on Earth Imagine waking up, and your neighbors, coworkers, and family are gone. For days, even months, you don’t see another soul. But finally, after who knows how long, two people find each other and come to the conclusion that they are the last ones on earth. What shenanigans will they get into? How will they entertain themselves? How long will they tolerate one another? That’s up to us to find out!
Those are all of the apocalyptic type scenarios I can think of at the moment, but I’m open to other ideas! They can be medieval, fantasy, modern, sci-fi, whatever! If none of these ideas interest you, maybe we can create a whole new world, whether it’s post apocalyptic or not. World building is so much fun! See ya soon.

Dear Reddit community,
I need some relationship life advice.
I '23/F' am currently involved with a '27/M' partner for a year now. I love him and he loves me, but I often wonder if our relationship is worth continuing. Half the time we are each others' best friend and lovers and we get along amazingly... however the other half of the time we argue over the stupidest things and the arguments go round and round in circles for a while (and I'm not joking, we argue SO fucking much). To give an example, just this past weekend I drove up to see him as well as celebrate his friends' family visiting from South America (we are long distance) and on the car ride there, I ask if we are staying in his motorhome he has there. He wouldn't give me a straight answer and I was wanting to know so that 1) we could save money instead of going to a hotel 2) we wouldn't have to worry about checkout times 3) I wanted to know where the hell I was driving to! Instead of giving me a straight answer about why he preferred to stay at a hotel, he went round in circles and got upset that I was asking. We eventually figured that argument out and it turns out he didn't want to stay in the motorhome because he still needed to clean it and he didn't want to welcome me in that kind of environment (the next day we went to his motorhome so I could help him organise).
That same night when we're celebrating his friend and her family, he starts smoking his friend's vape and is attached to it pretty much the whole night. Obviously it is his choice what he does with his body, but it sucks when your partner tells you he quite vaping/smoking and then as soon as he has the opportunity he picks it right back up again and blames his friends for his vaping problem. The group was playing some fun Brazilian music to dance to, and so I go up to my partner to ask him to dance with me and I playfully try to push the vape away from his hand (he was just sitting there vaping). I didn't slap his hand, I didn't forcefully take it away from him, I wasn't disrespectful in anyway - I was just trying to be playful and was hoping he would put it down and dance with me. I allowed my expectations to upset me. I was expecting/hoping that he would put it down and dance with me. Instead, he was like "not now babe" and reaches for another hit of nicotine. I got upset by this because we haven't seen each other in over a month, we only have a few hours together, and first he gets weird/upset about the motorhome thing and then it feels like he chooses spending time with the vape over dancing with the person he calls the love of his life. (and maybe I am overreacting with this particular situation, it just hurts watching him hurt his health like that then blame his friends and it feels like my partner has no self control when it comes to that kind of stuff).
That was Friday. On Sunday morning, his alarm went off at 6 am which of course also woke me up. He started getting up/moving around/making a bunch of noise, and I try asking him what's going on. No response. I ask again and I ask "Do we really need to be awake at 6?" because in my mind his flight back to his state isn't until the afternoon and I was the one taking him to the airport so do I need to start getting ready too?? like why are you up so early? can you please explain what is happening? Like the motorhome situation - in which he would not clearly explain what was going on - he just got mad at me saying I was tripping about the alarm and that I shouldn't ask him questions in that kind of tone of voice (what tone of voice?!?!?). He just started getting so upset that I asked if we needed to be up at that time and I was so confused by his response because it really didn't seem fair to me. When he got back in bed I did not want to be touched by him - I was so sad that I feel like I can't even ask my partner simple questions without him getting upset. He tried to go on explaining why I shouldn't ask questions like that and justifying his response. I get first thing in the morning after not much sleep people can be a little cranky, but dude to tell me I'm tripping and then evading my one question/getting defensive? not cool to me. After it's clear I'm not buying his response, he apologises and asks me to forgive his reaction, which I do and we're back to being fine. That day before dropping him at the airport, we drop off some his clothes we organised at the donation centre and then he realises he can't find his car or motorhome keys. so we spend the whole time before the airport with me driving him around to various locations to find his keys, we search my whole car, he has me search my entire bag... we can't find the fucking keys anywhere. But we were both like, no worries, they will show up somewhere. And we had a good time about it. No arguments, no complaints, he was grateful that I was helping him with his shit.
The next morning I find them in my car and I send him a picture with "omg babe, guess what I just found!" and instead of being relieved/happy that I found them, he BLAMES ME for not having seen the keys before. to be clear, I never once touched his motorhome keys. I had no idea until Sunday morning that we would even be looking for them. He blames ME for HIM losing HIS keys. I wouldn't take that shit from him. Then he went on saying that I need to "centre myself," that he has a right to feel the way he does blah blah, and sure he has a right to feel whatever he desires, but he has no right to blame me for anything! especially after I spent a good amount of time and fuel helping him do things he should've figured out on his own a long time ago and it is so easy to ship him the keys. not a big problem at all. and when I sent the key picture, he had a New York bottle opener on the keychain, and I was like "oh cool! Have you been to New York??" with the intention of getting to know my partner better - I think it's could he potentially took a trip there and I was asking in a light hearted way and his response (over voice message) was a sarcastic "yeah babe, I go there every weekend." Again, I don't understand this response. I don't understand why my question was so bad and why he felt like avoiding it? Maybe he was stressed about the whole key situation/ feeling jet lagged from the flight. But still. it sucked. I basically told him that I wouldn't take this shit from him that he cannot blame me and not take ownership of his own shit.
I just don't understand. I also have such a hard time leaving him. I tried before in the past - I felt pressured to move to Florida with him; he talked a lot about moving into together, having kids, etc etc and it was just moving too fast for me and I felt like I needed to leave because I can't give those things to him right now and it's not fair if that is something he wants and for me to stay in the relationship wanting different things at the moment. He convinces me to stay with him, saying he can wait for those things, but doesn't want to lose me. I stayed.
I'm just sooooo tired of these arguments! I'm tired of feeling like I can't ask basic questions without him getting upset. I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy when I'm clearly not at fault. I'm tired of feeling like I acquiesce to him. I sometimes feel like he needs me more than I need him and I don't want to be his mother cleaning up after him/keeping track of his shit and then getting blamed when I don't know where HIS things are.
And we have silly arguments like this so much in the past too. I feel like maybe I'm deluding myself thinking that when we are together for longing periods of time that we won't argue so much - that it's the stress of travel that causes us to bicker. or that I'm holding on to the really good parts of the relationship where we make each other laugh so hard and we can meaningful conversations.
I worry that if we do someday have kids that they won't be able to come to him without him getting upset/weird/non-communicative. *sigh* what do I do? I know I just talked about the arguments of this past weekend so this post feels a little biased. But I feel stuck. Part of feels like maybe I should leave him, but the other part of me sticks it out. Am I secretly addicted to the drama? Or maybe I don't have a strong enough will

Hey all, Currently have a Huawei p30 pro (since 2019) and have absolutely loved this phone up until a couple months ago. It no longer connects wirelessly to my trucks android auto, sometimes missed calls don't show up anymore, battery only lasts a day and a bit. I just started my own business in the Carpentry industry and I'm now relying on my phone to run things successfully.
What I need: -long lasting battery, I mostly don't have access to charging my phone as I'm in and out of my truck or working -rugged, have dropped this phone way too many times and haven't had issues so I'd like that again -good call quality is a must -good to better camera (don't need the best of the best) is also a must -being Italian/Canadian I'm frugal so I'd like to keep it cheap although I know that's a hope and a prayer -at the moment I believe that's it.
I don't stream any videos (rarely YouTube), I don't play any games, just need to make phone calls, send invoices on the go, be able to price materials or search if things are in stock, phone calls very frequently.
I'm not the brightest guy when it comes to tech, I'm absolutely lost most of the time when it comes to that. Just hoping for some good advice/guidence, thanks!

so we have this project where we need to write three journal entries in the pov of an aztec or spanish conquistador, i chose aztec. please give me criticism, and tell me if there are any historical inaccuracies!
im 13 btw
initial contact:
november 8, 1519
I was outside, grinding corn, grinding it with the mano, over and over. I couldn't hear the screams of Chimalli, my older brother. He was sprinting, so fast, he tripped over the metate and spilled the corn. “Watch it, you fool!” I shouted, worried that I may get beaten. Nantli didn’t like food waste, and she wouldn’t care that it was foolish Chimalli’s fault. He was gasped for air, his hands on his knees. “Acalan… and I…were hunting…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “We were by the water when we saw this fish, a fish of great size. It wasn’t in the water, it was on top of it! It was brown, and atop it was 10 feet monsters with light skin!” I barked a laugh. “You’d better stop lying, Chimalli.” I decided to put the already ground corn back on the metate and take off the grass left in it. “I swear on the gods I'm not lying! I swear on Huitzilopochtli! Quetzalcoatl! All of them, I swear!”
I rolled my eyes, put the mano on the matate, and got up. “Show me what you’re talking about, fool.” Chimalli grabbed my hand tight and started running as fast as he could. I was whispering prayers to Patecatl, scared that what Chimalli was saying was true. We met up with Acalan and hid behind a bush near the lake. We could see the white-skinned people, and they were covered with weird clothing. They spoke loudly, in a peculiar way. They waved their hands around like birds and marched fiercely like jaguars. My heart was beating so loud, I was scared that Acalan and Chimalli would hear it. “They look so weird,” I whispered. The marched along, with their weird looking animals, amd were headed towards our causeway! Chimalli, Acalan and I exchanged a worried glance. Slowly and carefully, we all left our bush and headed back to the calpolli.
I went inside and saw Nantli sitting down, weaving. When she saw me, her face twisted in rage. “You dare spill the corn, leave the metate and mano unattended, and leave with the boys!? What were you even doing?” I shifted on my feet. Nantli was scary, but hse was understanding. Sometimes. “There are monsters on our land! They have big animals, a big brown fish that can swim ontop of water, and pale skin! The don’t speak Nahuatl, too!” i blurted out everything i saw, even if it didnt make sense. Chimalli was beside me, nodding his head so vigorously that it looked like it was about to fall off. Nantli got even more angry and said, “If you don’t stop lying this instant, i will call your Tahtli!” Chimalli and i both said in unison: NO!
“I swear on Huitzilopochtli! Tepeyollotl too! I even swear on Xolotl!” Chimalli cried as we were bothe getting pulled by the ear by Nantli. We were pulled outside, when we saw Tahtli. His face looked like he’d seen death. “Your foolish, lying children came to me talking nonsense about monsters with pale skin!” Nantli said, but Tahtli wasn’t fased. Tahtli was calmer then Nantli, and he was more wise. That was probably because he was a priest. However he was severe in punsiments. Nantli was all bark and no bite. Tahtli was bite, no bark, and when he did bite, it would last forever. He shook his head. “They're telling the truth. They are like us, but they have come from another land. Spain, they call it.” Nantli’s mouth was open so wide, I was trying my hardest not to laugh. She finally let go of me and Chimalli’s ear, her brows furrowing. “Did Moctezuma talk to them? Did you talk to them? How did they come here?” I side-stepped away from her, rubbing my ear. I exchanged a mischievous glance with Chimalli, and like a tiger, we left as fast and quietly as possible. In front of the door, Acalan was waiting for us impatiently and said, “Let’s go see them again. Maybe we’ll try to talk to them.” Chimalli raised his eyebrows. “Are you nuts!?” He exclaimed. I didn’t think it was a bad idea. Maybe we could understand their intentions. We never got to do that though. We never got to do anything.
Amoxtli
Spanish Conquest of the Aztecs
They kidnapped our ruler. The scary, stupid, dumb-looking monsters took our ruler. Foolish Chimalli brought it upon himself to save him. Nothing reasonable ever comes out of that stupid brain of his. He got killed doing it. Atleats he was brave. Braver than me, thats for sure. They have loud, long black tubes that shoot out fire. That killed him. Nantli hasn’t been the same, she doesn’t let me go to school anymore. Tahtli has fallen sick. Why is this happening? Is this a sign? Oh why, oh why? Oh gods, why?
I woke up, the rays of sunlight shining directly into my eyes. I got up, and to my right, was Acalan. He had decided to stay with us since all members of his calpolli had died unfateful deaths. His Nantli got sick, and his Tahtli and all of his other relatives died in the battle with the monsters. Whenever I start to pity myself, I remember Acalan. He’s got it worse. “Good morning,” I said. Acalan nodded, not uttering a word. He was looking outside, and his eyes had this aloof look to them. “Where’s Nantli?” I said, looking around the room. He mumbled something, but I couldn’t hear it. I sensed that he obviously wasn’t okay, so i scooched beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. “It's okay, just try not to think too much about it. I know how you feel, the gods will help us out.” I said softly. He shrugged my hand off his shoulder, and moved away from me. He was looking hard at the ground and whispered, “How can you be so sure?”
“Huh?”
“I said,” He looked at me square in the eye. “How can you be so sure? That’s what everybody’s been saying, but I'm getting tired of it. Face it, Amoxtli. The gods have done nothing for us. They’re just a bunch of stupid stories to scare us. My calpolli would still be here, alive and well. Those monsters wouldn’t have come here. The gods aren’t real.”
I sat there, stunned. What was he saying? He must be mad, because this isn’t the Acalan I know. The Acalan I know was so devout, more than I was. Maybe the grief got him bad. “And no, you don't know how I feel. You will never know how I feel. You ever think about jabbing a spear into your chest? You ever thought about jumping off the mountains, and drowning yourself underwater? You ever think of that? Huh?” Acalan continued. And before I knew it, he was sobbing. Acalan, the soon-to-be soldier who had never shed a tear, the boy whose heart was made out of stone, was crying. He was saying something in between sobs, but I couldn’t understand it. His face was buried in his hands. The truth is, no, I have never thought about any of those things. I didn’t know that Acalan was this affected by it. Maybe I’m the foolish one.
A few hours later, I told Nantli about what Acalan had been saying, except the blasphemous things. That brought out a side of her that i never knew she had. Her face softened, and she nodded with understanding. She comforted Acalan, giving him words of reassurance. Nantli sent me out to get water, since Chimalli wasn’t here to do it anymore. Every passing day I miss him more and more. As i walked through the village, I heard loud, bone-rattling screams. The monsters were pushing and shoving their way into the houses, and coming out with valuables. I stood there, frozen in place watching it all happen. A tall monster stood in front of me, and all I could do was stand there, looking stupid as we both stared at each other. He scowled and grabbed my bucket, throwing it on the floor. “Hey…!” I said quietly. He kicked my bucket and continued walking.
tbc

Welcome to your daily review. This is not meant to be stressful and if it makes you stressed, just skip it. It’s all good, no one is gonna judge you. A daily review can be as long or short as you wish, it’s kind of like guided journaling, you can freestyle it or use some of the questions bellow. What is important is checking in on your mood from earlier during the wellness check to how you’re feeling right now. Here are some questions you can use to guide you as you write down.
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• How would you rate your day from 0-10 (5 being that balanced middle) and why.
• Did something unexpected happened today? How did that make you feel?
• Were you able to tackle something you needed to do? (If yes, how did you feel afte if no, why is that? Maybe you set your goal to high for the time being? How can you make it easier on yourself so you can do it?)
• Did your cat (or pet) did anything cute today?
• What are your expectations for tomorrow? Do you have any goals?

These are some examples you can use to help you get started, but obviously you can review your day as you see fit. Just make sure to give today a rating, find one reason you’re proud of yourself today, and if you’re already challenging yourself into new things, what do you wish to do tomorrow. Setting achievable goals is very important, but don’t over do it. For example: I need to organize my room (I really do, jeez) but today I put away my clothes so I could sleep on my bed. That was a lot for me, but I am proud of myself for doing it. Tomorrow I am going to organize my work bag. By taking small steps I don’t set myself up for failure. You can achieve anything you want, but sometimes you’ll need to take things slowly, and that’s okay too.

Mars, is associated with action, energy, and assertiveness, is a planet that, contrary to some beliefs, is not inherently "bad." Its placement in astrocartography can be a powerful catalyst for positive change. Understanding Mars in different house positions, especially in a relocated chart, and considering its natal aspects, can be key in harnessing its dynamic energy for specific life goals.
Mars Lines in Astrocartography: Unleashing Dynamic Energy
Mars lines in astrocartography offer unique opportunities:

• Initiating Bold Ventures: Mars’s fiery energy is excellent for kickstarting new projects and taking decisive action.
• Energizing Physical Activity: These lines are ideal for engaging in physical pursuits, enhancing athletic performance, and boosting overall vitality.
• Cultivating Assertiveness: Under a Mars line, you might find an increased capacity for assertiveness, helping you to advocate for yourself more confidently.

Optimal Houses for Mars in a Relocated Chart
1st House (Self-Assertiveness and Vitality):

• Mars in the 1st house enhances self-confidence, assertiveness, and physical energy. It's perfect for personal transformation and taking initiative in your own life.

6th House (Daily Work and Health):

• Here, Mars boosts work ethic, productivity, and motivation in daily routines. It's beneficial for developing a disciplined approach to health and work.

7th House (Partnerships and Interpersonal Dynamics):

• Mars in the 7th house can energize personal and business relationships. It brings a direct, upfront approach to dealing with others, though it may also heighten conflicts.

8th House (Transformation and Shared Resources):

• This is a powerful placement for Mars, emphasizing personal transformation, dealing with shared resources, and navigating deep, intense experiences. It can bring a fearless approach to facing life's deeper and more complex aspects.

10th House (Career and Public Life):

• In the 10th house, Mars can significantly enhance career ambitions, encouraging leadership and entrepreneurial efforts. It's ideal for professions requiring assertiveness and drive.

Harnessing Mars’ Energy Wisely

• Balancing Assertiveness: It’s crucial to balance Mars’s assertiveness with tact to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
• Setting and Pursuing Goals: Mars lines are excellent for clear goal-setting and relentless pursuit of these objectives.
• Channeling Physical Energy: Engaging in sports or physical activities can be a healthy outlet for Mars’s vigorous energy.

Importance of Natal Aspects

• Mars’s effects vary based on its aspects in your natal chart. Benefic aspects can make its energy more manageable, while challenging aspects might require caution to avoid impulsiveness.

Redefining Mars’s Role
Mars is not just about aggression or conflict. It symbolizes the courage to act, the drive to pursue passions, and the strength to defend what matters. It’s a planet that encourages action and determination.
Conclusion
Mars lines in astrocartography can be transformative, offering energy, assertiveness, and the drive needed to make significant life changes. Whether boosting your career, empowering personal relationships, or navigating transformative experiences, Mars provides the dynamism to achieve your goals. By understanding Mars in your astrocartography and relocated chart, especially in relation to your natal aspects, you can tap into a wellspring of power and action, using Mars not as a source of conflict but as a force for positive and assertive change.

Hello all, For context: My PC is in a weird state, as it's quite old and I've been barely upgrading it in the past years due to financial priorities. But the time has come for me to finally make my pc more balanced, and get rid of the stuttering, input lags and 1% lows that really can make a difference in high ranks competitive games. Example of games I play regularly: CS2, Apex Legends, Valorant, Battlefield 2042. I'm top 1-3% in all the games including ranks that I mentionned. I really value smoothness, and want a smooth 144fps experience on all those games. I don't care about playing in ultra settings as I prioritize visibility in games. [Which most of the time require low-medium settings] Maybe good to mention, but I am currently always below 100fps on BF2042, which I find frustrating and noticeable, with big frame drops when things get very heated.
Here are my current specs:
Motherboard: Asus TUF Z390M-pro gaming GPU: RTX 3060 12GB CPU: i7 9700k RAM: 2x8gb 2133MhZ OS: Windows 10
One big issue that surely plays a big part in my current performance problems is the ssd on which my OS has been installed. My SSD only has 120gb. Don't ask me why the hell I have that, SSD's were expensive at the time and my brother gave it and installed it for me when I was too young to know that there is a difference between ssd and hdd. Nowadays, with all the drivers, the OS and its updates, and with the bare minimum of softwares installed and all game saves moved out, I struggle to even have 4gb of free storage left on that disk... Of course, since then, I got new ssd's with several tb's on which all my games and software not requiring my OS drive are installed. And don't worry, I already plan to move my OS to a NVMe gen3 SSD, which I will receive 2 days after this post.
However, I know that even in the days when I still had +40gb left in my os drive storage, I still experienced stuttering to a similar level, so I'm quite pessimistic on the improvement this will bring. Except for Battlefield, I don't think the games mentioned really need a lot of performance, so I assume that my GPU and CPU are good enough and not bottlenecking, and are not the cause.
I think that the only culprit left, after storage, is my RAM. Although 16gb is enough, 2133mhz seems very low compared to today's standards. That's where I am uncertain of what to do. Could my performance issues be originating from my RAM speed ? Should I invest into new RAM sticks ? I have seen benchmarks for 2x8gb 3600mhz cl16's, and I am getting pretty convinced, but I am worried of spending money on it just to still face stuttering afterwards... but I have seen that a fast RAM can make a big difference for 1%lows, so I'm hesitant.
And the reason why I post is this, I need some advice: would a RAM upgrade improve my performance stability noticeable ? If yes, what RAM speed and timings would you recommend for maximum stability and performance with my current specs ? My understanding is that cl16 3200mhz/3600mhz would be what to aim for. Is that correct ?
TLDR: I play competitive games and experience performance stability issues. I will soon upgrade the ssd on which my os is installed, which was very bad, but I'm worried that I will still have performance issues. I don't trust my RAM speed to be enough, and need advice on what would be the best speed and timing for stability with my specs, and if that would make a big impact on my stability.
Thank you!

Hi reddit stars! I am in a strange situation with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 15 years. I was in a business trip and one of my tenants called saying he will not be in town for 2 months and he wanted to pay the rent cash before leaving so I didn’t had later any rent delays. Overseas transfers are very costly and it takes days if not weeks. I called by best friend if he could pick up the check for me. My friend said yes, picked up the check and said he deposited in my account. I came back checked the bank and nothing. In the meantime, my friend said I have the money home and I had no time to deposit the check. So I offered to go at his house to pick up the check. That day his father died, and for few weeks I didn’t mention anything because I know the pain of losing a parent. As I mentioned we have been friends for over 15 years. Now I just need to make some repairs in my home. I am trying to connect but his texts are short, when I mentioned the money he said I will call you later, he didn’t. Today I called but he didn’t answer. I am hurt to lose my friend but I need my money. What do you think about this friendship… destroyed over money! I am so disappointed. I lost a friend over this. Maybe you will say you haven’t lost a good one, I am hurt because I believed in our friendship. I didn’t lend the money, I only asked for a favor. I am so disappointed.

(Novice is a stretch) I have zrro experience but an app I use has ben made usless by uber. The app I am making, want to make would tell the uber driver when a job offer "pings" or comes in, tells them the pay per mile. *
The "Ping" lasts for about 20 seconds on the uber driver app. It tells the driver pick-up location, distance to that location and drop off location and the distance to it as well. And the price offered to take the trip, of cource. You have about 20 seconds to look at this and do the math. While driving and following the GPS. Or as I like to say; "While doing 60 on a bridge, changing lanes and in the fog." It is a herculean mental-mutitasking, fun fest of an aquity test.
This information can leave the uber app and open in Google maps or Waze. (Not sure if this will help me. But it is all there to be used. The information. Total time, distance and pay amount.
The app need only be a window that displays what the breakdown of pay is. Say "$1.23 per mile. If easy enougn; $X.xx per hour"
All that to ask, where should I start? Or, anyone interested in doing this as shareware? Uber has made the only Android app that presently does this fail. There is a ready market and great need. (But hoping I can wing it) The app that no longer works for uber is very, very complicated and took forever to come out. Sad. It was really well done.
Thank you for getting this far!
*Uber, in some markets, offers a flat rate job offers rather than paying by the mile. Some offers are around .40₡ per mile. Which would pay for gas for most cars and little else.

Hi there I'm currently an Au Pair with a family. I've been with them for over 9 months now and pretty much can't rematch because of personal timing reasons so I promised myself to suck it up and stay there (and also because I love the kids)
Over the last couple of months especially my host mom changed for the worse. And I've had it more and more that they let out really hurtful things without a second thought. (Examples at the end)
I have a pretty unique situation. I take care of two older boys which means I have to be flexible which I'm fine with. When matching with them I was under the impression that I wouldn't have to work weekends and now it happened twice already that I had to work all week + weekend especially on the weekend it was Friday-Sunday 24hrs a day basically without any time off during the week.
They also EXPECT me to care for the dogs. I feed them, walk them, take them to the vet etc.
I also pretty much do all the grocery shopping and cooking for the entire family being responsible 24/7 that there're certain things in the house. Host kids eat the last bananas in the evening? Doesn't matter drive out and grab them for the next day. I'm on my way back from a weekend trip and apparently we're out of eggs? Go grab them and get a lecture on how it's my responsibility to have food in the house.
Overall I am aware that this isn't normal but I want others opinions and I'm curious if people had similar experiences.
Examples of things they've said to me:
YOU are gonna cook Asian food for US? Bold. -No no I guess you can make it, I'm just saying it's brave of you to offer to make that I mean we're Asian after all...
All the things you're doing right now I could be doing just fine with a few alterations in my schedule so consider yourself lucky.
Hmm I mean all the other Au Pairs we've had didn't need THAT much help but I guess there's always a first...
Well you already know the last Au Pair was perfect in any way so I guess we were just surprised when we got to know you more.
comments on my eating habits when I am already underweight and they know that:
Dessert for breakfast? Interesting... (it was greek yogurt with granola and maple syrup because we didn't have honey anymore)
WOW! What you're eating right now is usually what you have in a week! (taking seconds during dinner)
She might not eat a lot of food but she eats dessert like crazy. (Taking a second pice of a birthday cake)

Honestly I'm hoping for a Japanese dub. Some games like sekiro are a masterpiece when it comes to their Japanese dub. It makes the game even better and it feels more authentic.
If we are to get a Japanese dub for shadows, I want the following actors to olay these important roles
Note that these characters are not confirmed to be in the game hut they most likely will be, seeing how they're really important to the time period:
Saori hayami or Yui Ishikawa as Naoe (female protagonist)
Takaya kuroda as hattori hanzo (famous samurai and shinobi and possibly has a connection to Naoe)
Tetsuo kaneo as Oda nobunaga (Yasuke's master and first unifier of japan)
Yasuhiro mamyia as Yasuke (male protagonist)
Why them? And who are they
Saori and Yui are two of the best female Japanese VA. They really have amazing range and can convey lots of emotions through their voices. Saori is known for voicing characters like Yumeko Jabami, Shinonu and Yor Forger meanwhile Yui is very known for famous roles like 2b or Mikasa. Depending on the theme of the game, either could work wonders. Yui is very good in dramatic scenarios while saori would work better in light-hearted scenarios.
Takaya kuroda known most for his performance as Kiryu kazuma. Has a deep voice that emanates strength. Someone like Hattori hanzo needs a strong voice.
Tatsuo Kaneo as Oda nobunaga. His performance as Isshin ashina really sold me this idea. Hearing him again would be wonderful.
Yasuhiro as Yasuke would make a lot of sense for a single reason. Gary buster holmes. His performance as a black man was phenomenal. He definitely nailed the foreign accent. Seeing how yasuke is black and has a deeper voic, this will work really well. Especially with how he can emulate a foreign accent.
These are my picks for these possible central characters.
What are yours? Would you like someone specific to pay any of these characters?

Who I am
Dextive is an aspiring comic artist who loves to dabble in various creative avenues. His main areas of expertise are writing and character art. However, he is growing quite proficient in background art, getting more comfortable with making full illustrations.
Dextive has been drawing and writing since childhood, but only started counting experience years in December 2023. He has organically developed a cartoony style in drawing, and is the author of a moderately successful fanfiction on Wattpad.

Available Services

Character art

Either it be a model sheet, a character design concept in your head, or anything else character-related, I am the one to help put your vision into visuals.

Illustration

Either it just be one picture or for a book, a piece of illustration is sure to brighten up your life. Enjoy a vibrant piece of personalized art created by someone willing to make it for you.

Comic Art

From pencil art to lettering, I am flexible and open to various stages of creating comic art based on what you need.

Graphic Design

Logos, marketing material, and more! I’m capable of making a graphic for whatever it is you need.

Previous Works

• Neglected blog at https://dextive-shop.square.site/s/stories
• Sole creator of the Wonders of Earth webcomic

Boundaries

• I am not comfortable with drawing erotica due to being sex-repulsed. For some reason, my sex repulsion does not apply to written erotica.
• I am not comfortable with real person fanfictions.
• I am especially not comfortable with real person straitjacket fetish fics. I’m listing this here because that’s a concerningly common prompt.
• I will not write or draw material meant to cause harm to another individual.
• I have the right to reject any commission for any reason.

Rates

Art personal - 10 USD/hr
Art commercial - 20 USD/hr

Comic rates

Lettering personal - 10 per page
Lettering commercial - 20 per page
Coloring personal - 20 per page
Coloring commercial - 40 per page
Inking/penciling personal - 100 per page (Note: They are counted separately. So if you want both, double the rate in your head to see if it’s in your budget.)
Inking/penciling commercial - 200 per page (Note: They are counted separately. So if you want both, double the rate in your head to see if it’s in your budget.)
Script and cover: Standard art and writing rates apply.
Rates are subject to change as I gain more experience.
Please send a DM if you’re interested. I’m willing to share my portfolio and completed written works with you.
Acceptable payment options: Square, Ko-fi, Paypal

thiss might be rly weird. 😅
so about a year and a half ago my friend who i had been talking to a lot wanted to get into a qpr (queer platonic relationship) with me since they said they felt like an emotional attachment to me in a platonic way. i had no idea what that was when they first asked me out, so i agreed based on their explanation of what it was like. i also was pretty sure i was in the aromatic asexual spectrum, so i thought it would be nice.
the weird thing was even though i claimed to be acearo, i was still messing around on dating apps. and shortly after the qpr started, i was visiting my friend group in my hometown for a bit. we were discussing dating app stuff with our other friend, and i shared some of my own stories as we talked. i mentioned after my stories that i wasn't using dating apps anymore and i only had one friend making app/quote unquote "dating app" left on my phone. my partnefriend got concerned and asked me what it was. i explained to them it was an app i told them about before. but the way they got defensive about it made me realize that they probably considered me being on dating apps of any sort as cheating.
so, i guess i just didn't know what i was getting into? i thought it was like just a stronger friendship or like best friends plus or something lol,, but my friend/partner seemed to want to do more romantic stuff like use pet names and go on dates and stuff. i said i was okay with that, but i didn't really want to do cuddling with them which i told them when we were establishing rules or boundaries or whatever. they were fine with it, but idk the pet names felt unnatural to me and "dates" felt like just hanging out with a good friend. they send couple memes to me saying it's us, but half the time i don't really agree. sometimes it feels like they think of me as their idea of their 'perfect version' of me or something, and not actually me. i do care about this person, but i cannot see myself doing anything remotely romantic with them, the more i inch towards it. after a few months of trying this, i decided i didn't like this, but i didn't know how to bring it up and now we're nearing one and a half years..
i think i went along with it because i cared about this person. and when we hung out together, it felt like just being with a friend and someone i really cared about. i do care about them a lot, and i very much enjoy their company. we've known each other for forever, and our friendship has gone through quite a lot of ups and downs. and recently i keep thinking of the downs and how we'd get into fights and annoy the shit out of each other. we were celebrating our anniversary with them coming up to where i live, and we had a disagreement at a restaurant that reminded me of those times when we were younger teens. and more recently i just feel hurt with some of the stuff they do/say. maybe remembering our past is making me more sensitive to the negatives, idk atp.
i think i am a person who will easy go along with something, and my friend/partner claimed a few things about me that i never even thought of for myself. i believed when they explained why they thought it. they told me i was autistic and deserved to be on disability because i was "disabled". i am able bodied,, just have some mental illness. when i told my dad, he got super mad because before i started this relationship, i was really good about school and making good grades. i dropped out my classes for a bit after the relationship started. my friend/partner has never showed much interest in school beyond high school and they didn't want a job until more recently when they realized yt and their small business weren't getting much money. i stopped school for a couple semesters just to work, but i plan to go back in next semester– when i told them, they said they were worried it would go bad for me again... and i guess i feel like the relationship is stopping me from doing better in school.
i don't want to say they're a bad influence, i think i am more just easily influenced or tend to mimic people around me... my partnefriend should live their life they want, but i think i also might be mimicking what they do kinda and that might be why my family does think they're a bad influence. and i feel more disconnected to my family when i started talking to my friend/partner more. they told me my dad is a manipulative person, but i don't even want to think that... sometimes i wonder if they said it because they consider their own parents (especially dad) manipulative. and i have met their family, they do seem p shitty even to me, but i don't see my own parents like that... my dad is doing his best i think, and he's good enough at least,, my friend/partner also claimed stuff like gender, gender preference, political views of mine when i never really told them that? most was similar to their own identity, and i honestly don't know what my gendegender preference/political views are specifically, ive never firmly said i was a specific label of any of those, but it still felt weird that they were putting me in this box when i felt uncertain about those things.
i also don't know if i'm really aroace. like i see happy romantic couples, and still want something like that. and i don't know if i can go and find someone like that if im platonically partnered with someone. and at this point i feel like "i didn't know what i was getting into" doesn't work if i try to just end things now,, i also am afraid it'll just go down terribly, and i'll never even get to be acquaintances with this person again. and i feel like our mutual friends will all side with them and i will just lose those friends forever as well. i'll feel even shittier if i try romance and see that i really am aroace and then id just be forever alone with no friends.
my partnefriend also bought tickets to go to a convention in a few months and id feel even shittier to end things poorly before that since they really wanted to go there and cosplay with me. the convention famously doesn't give any refunds too so they can't even get their money back for the tickets.
we're even planning to move out together in 2025, but i don't know if it's still something i want. we've been planning since like 2022 to move out together (it started out as just friends before they asked to be partners) but we keep having to push it further down with financial issues and such, so i don't even know if 2025 is a good year either. i am going through the process of switching my college major, and i feel like that's all ill really have time for soon especially when i start working alongside studying too. (im quite literally switching from an arts related major to something stem related lol.) i want to get my bachelor's and establish a good paying job before moving out. (and probably also work towards my master's) i don't even know if my friend/partner has anything going on in their future career and stuff, and i do not want to have to be financially responsible for them at all. i barely like when they ask me for money. they usually pay me back or pay for some of my stuff in return so it probably balances out, id just rather we each pay for our own things i guess,, or maybe im just being a prick abt it lol.
i just feel like an asshole, and im probably wasting their time by pretending to want to be more than just a standard friend and like everything is going ok on my side. i just don't know what to do. this is kinda my first relationship tbh, and definitely a first for qpr so i don't really have experience on how to end things lol, and i don't know what a good method to do so is.
sorry if this makes no sense, im rambling... but i am in need of advice... mainly, i am just looking for a way to end the relationship. but any other advice is fine, i need it. if im a piece of shit or you want to say something else 'negative' you can tell me that too, i just need honesty on my situation.
tldr; i am in a queer platonic relationship with someone who i saw as a friend. they wanted to be romantic. i did not. we are getting into disagreements. We seem to have different lifestyle choices, and it's getting to the point where i just want to end it. how do i break up with them that won't make things terrible between the two of us?

Hi guys! This is my first time posting here and i need your opinions. Me and my MM have been together for a little over 2 years now and since then i’ve celebrated my birthdays with him (even if it was one week later). We don’t really date because it’s hard to find an opportunity(or so he says) only when it’s my birthday and one other time last year. My birthday is coming up in a week and i kept mentioning it to him for about a month now that i wanna celebrate it with him and it’s also the perfect opportunity because we both would be free that day… or so i thought. Today when i asked him again about it he told me that “he’s not sure” and that “he doesn’t think it’s possible “ because he has lots of meetings next week including that day and that he can’t just cancel because “it would seem weird if he would cancel meetings just to hang out with friends”(his excuse for when he’s meeting with me). The thing that bothers me is that the week after that one (on the day that we’re both free)he has another bday celebration and he can’t miss that one even though it’s 2h30min away(5 hrs driving in total) and the week after that one he planned meetings again on the same day we’re both free( he works 6 days a week so we can only meet on a particular day). But what bothers me is that i asked him what if he had meetings on the day with the other bday and he said he would cancel them even though “they’re really important and can’t really postpone them” so then why can’t he do that for my birthday or why did he even plan them when he knew it’s the only day we could actually go out together. It just hurts me that i’m not a priority to him … He told me when he can find an opportunity we will do smth and that’s all he can tell me…and that’s probably gonna be a month from now at least, but that’s not celebrating my birthday… Do you think it’s right for me to feel upset?
PS. I know it seems like i make a big fuss about my birthday and that I should’ve known what I signed up for but tbh i never cared about celebrating my birthday before him, but he’s special to me and i just wanna spend it with him and have fun together …it’s also the only times we actually went out on dates so i was expecting it. How would you guys feel?
Thank you for reading all of this

I'm ready when you are. Let me know how I can be of assistance.
As an update, my court proceedings are finished. I got 5 years probation with no time in a plea agreement to a Class C felony (unlawful use of a weapon... it was a digging trowel... in Montana they would have laughed at the whole case, but I guess Portland is a different world). I'm happy to put this all behind me and move forward with helping the world awake.
I know it's frowned on to even suggest that one is "enlightened", but that's essentially what we're talking about here. Long story short, the "mass awakening" I had in mind when creating this sub is one where eventually every living human is "awakened", at least in the way we currently understand the word. That requires each of us putting in as much work as is needed to get there ourselves.
So, who's with me? Are we still ready to make these changes? Let's get it.

My ex-fiance (38M), we'll call him John and I (30F) met 8 years ago. We both came into the relationship with kids from previous marriages but did our best to blend our family. I thought I knew what love was before him but he taught me what love really was. You know, that kind of love that when you think about it your heart hurts but in the best way possible. During the few years we were together we had broken up and gotten back together twice, but every time we came back stronger than before. During that time we got engaged, and even though we had our issues we were happy. When we hit our 7 year anniversary I thought this was it. We had made it through deaths of those close to us, medical issues, issues with family and COVID. If we could make it past all of that, past the 7 year itch it we were meant to last.
During those 7 years I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on top of my already crippling depression and anxiety, and God bless him for sticking it out with me while I was adjusting to all of those medications. I know I was an absolute mess during that time. But January of 2023 I started having a lot of strange symptoms that caused me to spiral. I eventually made a doctors appt and was referred to Neurology for possible MS. After a negative MRI I was referred to Pulmonology for a sleep study for Narcolepsy which I thought for sure was a waste of time and money, but I'd do whatever I needed to do to find out what the hell was wrong. Everything had caused us to fight more than we had in years and I was ready to get back to our normal. Unfortunately I had to wean myself off of all my medications for the sleep study which was by far the hardest month, but eventually got diagnosed and sure as shit I have Narcolepsy.
My medical team and I decided it best to stay off of my medications until we found a narcoleptic medication that would work. Through all of this I tried my hardest to let him know how I was feeling so we could at least know that there would be light at the end of the tunnel at some point. After months of trying new medications and dealing with the absolutely horrible side effects I found a medicine that seemed to be working. Because it can cause adverse reactions to just about everything, they didn't think that getting back on my other medications would be safe. (I have to check every OTC medicine I take with the manufacture to make sure it won't cause any issues, which I follow religiously since taking an antibiotic sent me to the ER already).
We hit a wall in September and decided therapy would be our last ditch effort to make our relationship work, the fighting had gotten so bad that we didn't know if we could keep going the way we were. We made it 2 sessions in before we had a huge blowout and both said we just needed to call it quits. It took me about a week before it sunk in and then it hit my like a freight train. I went from being sad to spending most of the day in tears and sobbing myself to sleep. During that time he moved into the guest room and I stayed in our bedroom to give us some distance until I could move out. He went on a trip to think and get away while I was in that house reliving every good memory we had had there. After he got back I broke down and begged him to work things out, I knew I loved him and didn't want to think of my life without him. I had gotten to the point that I had planned to end my life because a life without him wasn't one I wanted. So fucking selfish on my part because I'd be leaving my kids without a mom. He kept saying that we couldn't make it work and we just needed to move on. As hard as it was, I tried to accept it and shut myself off emotionally to get through it.
I eventually was able to find an apartment that would keep my kids in their schools and with their friends. My moving date was mid-November and I slowly started packing, getting rid of things I couldn't take with me since I needed to downsize and buying the necessities to start over. The night before my move he told me he wanted to work things out and not to leave. All I remember was being so damn angry that he waited until everything was paid for, rented and packed. As much as I still loved him I knew I needed to leave. We decided that we would try and see if we could work things out living apart, maybe that was what we needed. Some space to just get our heads in order. It didn't last long. I was so angry that he would wait until I was out the door to decide he wanted to work things out. After I had spent weeks begging him to work things out. I just couldn't see past my own anger, I wasn't ready to forgive him.
Around mid-January 2024 we started talking again and even though I knew I wasn't in a good headspace I decided to try and work things out due to his insistence. During that time he re-proposed but I just couldn't feel the same as I did before. I knew that I loved him, through it all I never stopped and said he was the love of my life and would be until the end. Despite that it lasted until the last week of February. I drove to his house with the ring in it's box and told him I just couldn't do it. I knew that I had broken him, but I couldn't see it working. As hard as I tried I couldn't picture us, even my own future. I was just so lost.
A couple of weeks later it clicked that everything I had been going through was my bi-polar rearing it's head, unmedicated and in full force. I was so erratic, going through the worst manics I had experienced, the depression and anxiety had gotten almost unbearable and the thoughts of suicide had gotten so bad that I didn't think I'd make it. I had pushed everyone I loved away and isolated myself from the world. I felt numb inside. Despite the risks I went in and got back on the medication I needed so fucking badly to survive.
During that time John and I started talking and seeing each other. I hadn't told anyone else about getting back on my medications and he had been there when I started them the first time. So who would be better at helping me through it than him? I made it abundantly clear that I wasn't ready for anything. I needed to work on my mental health and get to a good place before I could give to anyone. But if he was still around by the time I was in that good place mentally and he still wanted me, I would be all in. We would set a date and get married. No more dating, being engaged for years again, it would be marriage and till death do we part. Throughout that time he assured me that if he was still around and wasn't seeing anyone by then he would be all in as well. We both loved each other more than anything, I just needed to be ok.
During one of our conversations I told him I was close to being better but I wasn't 100% there yet, but he was the one. When he told me that I didn't need to be perfect, because my mental health would never be perfectly in check. I knew I was well enough that I could say that I was ready to be with the love of my life. I finally started to feel again, like everything I stopped feeling had been held behind a wall and it just came crashing down, flooding me with every last emotion I had suppressed. I told him I was sure and ready to move towards our forever. Once I did it was like a switch had flipped. He said he wasn't sure that I really knew what I wanted and that he needed time to figure things out before he could give me a solid answer. That was almost a month ago. We still talk and see each other but he says he is still trying to figure out if he can be sure that I'm all in.
I refuse to beg him to be with me, I've done it before and won't to do it again. I know I love him more than anything. I still get butterflies when I see him and my heart hurts so damn much when I think about how much I love him. I keep telling myself that he's going through a lot, and needs time and I need to be patient. But part of me feels like he's punishing me for breaking his heart in February. I'm at a loss. I'm hurt that after all of this time and all of those conversations we're in this state of limbo. Do I wait and hope that he eventually figures out whatever he needs to figure out or do I just give him space and cut off the daily communication and hope that one day he'll tell me that he wants to move forward?