Hi all,
I probably will get a lot of disagreement for this (or maybe not, who knows), but the scarab rework (coupled with a loot nerf) made the game pretty boring. But let me explain. Please note that this is about the mapping experience up to T16s, not T17s.
To understand my reasoning, let´s look at how mapping looked before this league:
You would farm the map tier of your choice and essentially put as much content in it as your currency would allow you. That would be Alch-and-go, Essence or beast farming on the low end, or cramming as much content as possible in one map on the high end, eg Legion + Deli Mirror + Harbinger using a combination of scarabs and sextants for bigger rewards. Fully juiced maps would be full of monsters, take a while to clear with a strong build and you would hear the "pops" of your loot filter while killing monsters. Fully juiced up, maps were packed with monsters and you would kill hundreds of them per map. If you used a HH, you could see your character growing bigger and bigger, which was quite fun. Loot would scale with the investment you put into the map, the more you invest, the more you get. However, you would not feel pigeonholed into one strategy since there were several ways to make constant currency and character strength was not the limiting factor, eg you could still make good currency with low investment essence or beast farming on white maps, or even just boss rushing white T16s to farm invitations. All of those strategies could be quite profitable (and there were countless more), if you could pull them off efficiently. As an example, in affliction I could easily make 30-50 div/h just essence and harbinger farming alched + corrupted T16 city squares (just using the sextant and killing the boss for harbi drops, didn´t even bother with harbinger scarabs) or rushing conquerors and doing Maven invites (the whole forest thing didn´t click with me). And that´s just some of the strategies that would earn decent div/hr. My point is, there was a huge variety of strategies you could do and you could mix a variety of things you like and determine how much juice you want based on your character power and budget. But even alch-and-go with altars on the low end felt ok, you wouldn´t get rich but you could make constant progress and eventually go into more profitable things.
Mapping this league after the rework:
You can still make currency, I guess. I made 200+ div just running back-to-basics "barrel and go" 8 mod jungle valleys (apparently it´s nerfed now), but mapping just feels boring. You pretty much need to go all-in on one strategy to get good returns, which essentially pigeonholes you into doing the 1 same thing over and over. Especially with the current league mechanic and scarabs being part of the atlas tree, you neither have the atlas points or map device slots to realistically do more than 1 thing like legion + necropolis league mechanic, at least not efficiently. On top of that, it feels like you need to pick all the quant and map mod effect nodes on the tree and run well rolled T16s for most strats, ideally 8 mod maps. Simple alch-and-go (even doing eg legion) or even 8 mod maps feel terrible and loot is pretty much non-existent. I ran 8 mod crimson temples with ambush and divination scarabs today and pretty much dropped nothing that would pass my filter. Due to some lucky divine drops I made something like a whooping 40c per map, realistically. On top of that, even 8 mod maps feel pretty empty now, since without sextants and needing several scarabs for 1 mechanic, we lost over half the juice we had previously that would add more monsters - which kinda sucks in a game about killing monsters and finding things.
On top of that, you also lose your ability to diversify your investment and "hedge" your profits. Drops are RNG and you can have bad luck for a while. In previous patches, cramming league mechanics into maps would also protect you from bad luck in a way, which resulted in a much better experience, even if drops weren´t nerfed (which I am sure they were btw). If your legions wouldn´t drop anything, your delirium might still drop some good deli orbs to sell at the end or some harbinger would drop a fracturing shard, making your mapping still feel rewarding, even with bad RNG. You could just roll the dice way more often each map and the odds that all content didn´t have the dice in your favour were much much lower. Unlucky maps would still drop goodish loot, but lucky maps would drop so much more. Being unlucky didn´t feel bad, but getting lucky felt much better. Overall, you were usually having a good time and fun whereas now mapping often feels like you are wasting your time and should do different things with your life.
TLDR:
Since the scarab rework essentially forces you to go all-in on one mechanic, maps feel pretty empty with less loot, you are even more dependent on RNG, and T16 mapping often feels either boring and/or like a waste of time.

I recently engaged three individuals for whom their sense of self was dependent on some fragile beliefs, and they went against their principles when presented with a good faith challenge to those beliefs--a good faith challenge they had invited. Although, I have experienced this phenomenon thousands of times, none of the usual words seemed appropriate this time because these individuals seemed fundamentally different than previous examples, which is probably because I had known them online for a few years. I now suspect that many others I have encountered only briefly were similar, but that I had only seen the worst side of them.
Fragility
After a few days of thought, I have developed what I have found to be a useful term for this phenomenon. I call it, "hyper-fragility". I was inspired by two previous terms "fragile communism", which made sense, but for which I had not found a use, and "white fragility", which was itself clearly the product of fragility. So I had no use for such terminology, until now.
A faction or individual is fragile to the extent they have abandoned principle in their defense of a fragile belief they have incorporated into their sense of self. A fragile belief is one that cannot be defended with reason.
As a contrast, science is anti-fragile. Real scientists will want to know when they hold a fragile belief, and they will actually help you in your effort to challenge their beliefs. They will not abandon their principles if their belief does not hold up. One is a real scientist if one adheres to the philosophy of science. There is no other criteria to be a real scientist. To be clear, science as a profession has abandoned the philosophy of science and has become hyper-fragile. It is thus paramount that one not confuse real scientists, who are usually not professional "scientists", with fake scientists, who are usually professional "scientists".
In simple terms, fragiles portray themselves as victims when they are not. For a given a context, there may be no victim, fragiles may be the initiators of aggression, or fragiles may possess overwhelming physical power, but in all cases, they portray themselves as the victims. Fragiles also expect special treatment and are butthurt when they don't get it. Fragiles also cling to at least one belief that they cannot defend with reason, but which is central to their sense of self and well-being. Threats to such beliefs are perceived as existential threats. Hyper-fragiles will abandon their principles to defend their fragile beliefs.
Regional hyper-fragility will often develop its own language. Such languages in California would be known as: HYPER-CALI-FRAGILISTICS.
Did I mention that fragiles have no sense of humor about their fragile beliefs?
Why analyze fragility
Everyone wants to be the best version of themselves. No one wants to be fragile. However, as of first writing, most will have never heard anything like this analysis.
Everyone, can benefit from such an analysis--even me. I will refer to this analysis in my mind many times going forward to help me avoid fragility. It is just another tool to help one find the path and stay on the path.
This analysis is also a tool that empowers us to help others find the path and stay on the path.
What I mean by "the path" is the path to the best version of yourself.
What I mean by the best version of yourself is your future self that has achieved your best character, which is objective, and it is thus the same for everyone.
It is what every little boy wants to be when he grows up, and in the end, what every man wishes he had been.
In the end, it is the things you didn't do that you'll regret most.
Detailed characteristics
As we examine the detailed characteristics of the hyper-fragile, it may help to imagine whether these ring true for the best examples of fragility one has encountered.
It would help if such examples were fresh in your mind, but you may not have any recent examples because one who is resilient tends to avoid engaging the fragile, the fragile tend to avoid engaging the resilient.
If you don't have a good example of your own, you can imagine my example as you read the list: Three people who are in some ways exceptional, but are in other ways hyper-fragile, were trying to convince me that they were spiritually elite compared to me, but their spirituality was hyper-fragile, so in spite of their substantial research and doctrinal knowledge, they relied primarily on bullying and gaslighting. They even abandoned most of their critical thinking skills. They were not always like this (I think), but these are difficult times in which a critical mass is being played more effectively than ever before.
In a given context, a faction or individual is fragile to the extent they have following characteristics, and a hyper-fragile individual is anyone who would do either: 1) 90% of these, or 2) any of the last three:

1. They cannot defend their position with reason.
2. They become emotional when challenged in good faith.
3. They become offended or angered when challenged in good faith.
4. They become evasive when challenged in good faith.
5. They attack those who challenge them in good faith.
6. They misrepresent the beliefs or arguments of those who challenge them.
7. They claim elite status or knowledge compared to one who challenges them.
8. They are unable to understand the arguments of one who challenges them in good faith.
9. They virtue signal.
10. They lack self esteem.
11. They are hypocritical.
12. They are unnecessarily defensive.
13. They contradict themselves.
14. Their arguments don’t match their actions.
15. Their most critical arguments contain one or more easily refuted critical errors.
16. Their most critical arguments contain one or more critical logical fallacies.
17. Their most critical positions are not falsifiable.
18. Their most critical beliefs are inconsistent with the foundation for those beliefs.
19. They are afraid to defend their positions.
20. They are tribal.
21. They are partisan.
22. They lack empathy.
23. They cannot be objective.
24. They lack reading comprehension skills.
25. They ignore the spectrum of probabilities and instead assign 0% or 100%.
26. They lack the ability to estimate ballpark probabilities.
27. They are unwilling or unable to do simple math or logic when appropriate.
28. They lack a nose for where to look.
29. They cannot access their subconscious.
30. They make unnecessary assumptions.
31. They judge people collectively.
32. They do not accept the burden of proof for their claims.
33. They try to shift burden of proof for their claims onto those who challenge them in good faith.
34. They are vulnerable to peer pressure.
35. They can be influenced by propaganda.
36. They have difficulty evaluating the veracity of testimony.
37. They are vulnerable to confirmation bias.
38. They engage in motivated reasoning.
39. They have difficulty with nuance.
40. They have double standards.
41. They conflate multiple contexts.
42. They switch context and think the new context is the original context.
43. They censor the most effective good faith arguments from their opposition.
44. They do not try to steelman their arguments.
45. They interpret the literal as metaphorical.
46. They interpret the metaphorical or the satirical as literal.
47. They attribute motive where there is no motive.
48. They deny motive where there is motive.
49. They add variables that are not relevant.
50. They ignore variables that are relevant.
51. They claim that two different kinds of phenomenon are the same kind of phenomenon.
52. They claim that two different magnitudes of the same kind of phenomenon are the same magnitude.
53. They attribute significant weight to irrelevant connections.
54. They are susceptible to high anxiety.
55. They are susceptible to PTSD.
56. They tend to see themselves as the victim even when they are the aggressor.
57. They gish gallop.
58. They obfuscate.
59. They deny that they said what they said.
60. They tell you what you think.
61. They are not interested in learning that they are wrong.
62. They make a venomous attack that includes a toxic metaphorical statement that is harmless if taken literally, and then insist they only meant the literal interpretation.
63. They will try to stop certain questions from being asked or answered.
64. They lack a sense of humor.
65. They scapegoat.
66. They initiate aggression.
67. They try to punish those who disagree with them.
68. They report those who disagree to another party who will punish them.
69. They invite the whole world (e.g. by doxxing) to punish those who disagree.

The degree to which the strongest defenders of a faction exhibit the characteristics of fragility is the extent to which that faction is probably in error.
In many ways, fragility is the opposite of science.

I applied for a visit (tourism) visa to Spain, the trip is on May 8th. Submitted my documents on the 10th of April and received my passport on the 25th (they had to reschedule delivery as I was not home, so was meant to receive on the 23rd of April)
Attached documents:
Return air tickets (non refundable) Booked accommodation (refundable) Letter from work.
Lastly, I used a visa consultant to book an appointment since I couldn't get an appointment myself (tried multiple times)
Plan everything a months ahead so you can book an appointment without having to pay extra. Good luck to everyone.!

Well for about the past 6- 8 weeks my life as I thought it was shifted into a focus and I don't think I'll ever be the same person again.
For about 2 years the strangest things have been happening. Just little odd things here and there. Younger guys all the sudden taking an unexplainable sexual interest in someone my age. And I've faced it, I am not looking my best right now, kind of odd, but a little flattering. People I just met trying to take photos with/of me? Being invited to neighbors gatherings. Then having one drink and becoming near wasted to the point of stumbling. (I chalked it up to not being a very big drinker.)
My husband past away about 4 years ago. And I'm extremely introverted. I was trying to put myself out there. I have agoraphobia and little by little I was starting to make tiny strides. I thought "Boy, the world has changed, these young guys are SO AGRESSIVE and TOUCHY." Life seems to have gotten super creepy in the new world I've just found myself entering.
Turns out, the world hadn't changed at all. It is the world bequeathed to me by what I thought was a loving devoted spouse. Turns out he had been posting old letters from rough times in our marriage. Posting a video of a sexual encounter that he begged me to make. Taking candid shots of me sleeping in a top where my breast fell out of my shirt. Telling people how he was living with an abusive woman and just kept coming back for more. Truly, the person he seems to describe is a nightmare.
I've almost been raped by one guy. I had a friend of the family tell me she hated me and wanted "to beat the shit out of me", lost friend after friend and still don't know quite why?
I don't recognize her. But if you take several things out of context over a period of 28 year and post them, people will believe anything.
So he started a campaign to make everyone hate me, and then leave me. Unfortunately, he never got to finish, because he died before he was done.
[This is my first post ever. So bare with me it's a hard and humiliating journey. Been living on on prayers I'll live through it, and taking Dramamine for the nauseousness.]

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Before beginning, I'd like to provide some background information. I am a Muslim by birth and delved deeper into Islam during my late teenage years and early twenties. I often consult sources like islamqa, islamweb, along with various books, and watch educational lectures by knowledgeable individuals on YouTube.
The concept of repentance may seem straightforward to many—sin, repent, done. However, other thoughts arise that I feel compelled to understand. While I acknowledge that this platform may not be ideal for in-depth discussions, I aim to articulate my thoughts for the benefit of others going through similar experiences.
Do try to discuss the answers so that I and the other people who would be reading this answer could benefit as well.
Here are some thoughts:

1. If Allah SWT forgives any magnitude of sin, why not just commit the sin and repent afterward, knowing that everything will be fine?

In response to this question, a daee provided clarification. According to his explanation, the Quran and Sunnah primarily emphasize repentance for past sins rather than as a means to justify future transgressions. This perspective is supported by the actions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his companions, who did not view repentance as a justification for committing sins.

1. If individuals claim that repentance requires minimal contemplation, merely necessitating repentance and moving forward, then why did the Sahabas and companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) often exhibit emotional expressions such as crying and deep fear during their prayers?
   
2. I've noticed instances of people repenting, like a girl who shared her story on social media. She acknowledged her past mistakes and expressed repentance, hoping for forgiveness. Some individuals seem to view repenting for one sin as significant, but what about the other wrongdoings they continue to engage in? Take a hypothetical scenario of a girl, for instance. She stopped posting inappropriate content online and believes she's been forgiven. However, she still participates in behaviors like gossiping, lying, or engaging in practices like eyebrow trimming, which are discouraged in Islam. On one hand, she seeks forgiveness for one sin, but on the other hand, she persists in others. According to Islamic teachings, people who pluck their eyebrows are cursed by Allah SWT, while those who sincerely repent are loved by Him. So, what's her status? She repented from one sin but still continues the other sin. Is Allah SWT pleased with her, or does she remain under a curse until she repents for everything?
   

From this, we understand that we exist in a realm of both fear and hope. We cannot definitively determine whether we will be punished or forgiven. Our actions often involve a mixture of permissible and impermissible deeds, with varying proportions for each individual. Hence, we cannot confidently assert that we belong to the repentant group, whom Allah (SWT) loves.

1. I've also encountered a post from a woman who shared her experience of being in an abusive marriage. After their separation, her husband expressed his intention to perform Umrah and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT. This left her feeling surprised; despite enduring abuse, her husband sought forgiveness. Similarly, what if those who have caused emotional turmoil and suffering sincerely repent and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT? Such situations can deeply affect individuals, leading them to question why the abusers seemingly go unpunished. As Muslims, we believe in the justice of Allah SWT. We believe that Allah SWT is just and whoever says that Allah is unjust then that person has committed an act of kufr. On a surface level, it may seem like Allah SWT has forgiven the abuser but with complete justice which may be beyond our comprehension. Perhaps the abuser underwent significant mental or financial struggles in life. It's also possible that Allah SWT, in His mercy, forgave the abuser and also pardoned any major sins committed by the victim. Or, Allah SWT may have forgiven the abuser and elevated the blessings and status of the victim. Ultimately, only Allah knows the complexities of such situations.
   
2. One of the conditions for repentance is genuine remorse. I've come across posts where women confess to committing zina and other sins, and some receive support from others who believe their repentance is sufficient. However, while some show only a small amount of remorse and move on, others experience intense guilt and panic attacks. They worry about whether their repentance will be accepted, especially considering the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to repent 100 times a day. In contrast, individuals with numerous sins may simply say "I repent" and move on without much reflection. Then there are other people who may commit numerous sins and after knowing about the repentance thing which requires remorse, they may end up guilt tripped.
   
3. There are young college Muslims in the new generation who are focused on self-development, motivation, productivity and achieving success in both this world and the Hereafter. While they generally steer clear of explicitly forbidden actions, they may justify engaging in activities that offer worldly benefits, even if they are considered forbidden. They rationalize that they can simply repent sincerely afterward, believing that Allah SWT will forgive them. Thus, they avoid sins like drugs, alcohol, and gambling, recognizing the harm they bring. However, they may not hesitate to indulge in activities such as watching Netflix, attending clubs, or pursuing careers in sectors deemed forbidden, like banking or insurance. They justify these actions with the intention of repenting later, assuming that their sincere repentance will absolve them of their transgressions. Unfortunately, society thinks these people to be successful guys. These people are following the liberal ideas and trying to integrate it with the teachings of Islam.
   
4. Correct me if I am wrong. Another concept I've learned is that punishment can also appear in this worldly life as well. So, if you've committed a sin and find yourself in a troubled state, deciding to repent afterward, for instance, if you committed a sin and then faced a crisis, intending to repent a year later. However, what if the worldly punishment arrives in just six months?
   
5. Some individuals who lack knowledge interpret Hadiths in different manner, such as the example of a prostitute who provided water to a dog and was forgiven. These people think that doing all sorts of haraam stuff and finally doing some little bit of good deeds can wipe out thier major sins.
   

I recall reading a commentary by Sheikh Ibn Taymiyyah approximately five years ago, although I don't recall the exact source. He explained that this specific incident doesn't imply a general rule that one can commit major sins and then be forgiven by performing a good deed, such as giving water to a dog or a human. Instead, it emphasizes that the decision to forgive or punish lies with Allah SWT based on His discretion. The prostitute in this instance was fortunate to receive forgiveness under particular circumstances. However, it's important to note that continuous engagement in sinful activities, even alongside little bit of good deeds, doesn't guarantee forgiveness. Another Hadith recounts the story of a woman who was unkind to her neighbor but was doing other good deeds, despite doing good deeds, she faced punishment of treating her neighbor badly.
Ultimately, these specific incidents are subject to the divine decree of Allah SWT, who possesses the authority to forgive anyone, regardless of their sins. It's crucial not to extrapolate general rulings from these particular Hadiths. The general principle is that accumulating more good deeds is essential for attaining Paradise.

1. Suppose a person endeavors to abstain from sins to the best of their ability, yet struggles with performing salah.

Upon encountering the Quranic verse, "So woe to those who pray, [But] who are heedless of their prayer" (Quran 107: 4-5),
what should this individual contemplate? Should they perceive Allah SWT as compassionate because they are repenting from other transgressions, or should they feel cursed due to their difficulties with prayer, potentially stemming from their upbringing in a non-Muslim environment where they may not fully comprehend the prayers?
Given that salah is a fundamental pillar of Islam, obligatory to perform daily at specified times, how should the individual navigate this dilemma? They may find themselves in a continuous cycle of striving to improve their prayer, repenting for their lapses, and then returning to prayer once more. However, this cycle could potentially induce feelings of guilt and religious trauma, potentially diminishing their interest in salah. This presents a significant challenge for the individual to overcome, requiring introspection and perhaps seeking guidance from knowledgeable sources to address their concerns and strengthen their resolve in maintaining their salah.

1. There are hadiths that can significantly alter one's perspective when learning about Islam. One such hadith is the narration of Thawban, where it is described that individuals will have good deeds resembling mountains, yet these deeds will be scattered to dust due to their transgressions against the limits set by Allah SWT when they were alone.

This prompts contemplation on the fate of individuals who have engaged in long-term activities such as maintaining subscriptions to Netflix, committing acts of zina, or other similar actions. If these individuals sincerely repent, what happens to their previous good deeds? Do they regain their lost merits, or are their good deeds ultimately nullified despite their repentance? This question delves into the complex dynamics of repentance and its implications on past actions, inviting deeper reflection and understanding of Islamic teachings regarding forgiveness and redemption.

1. what if, after repenting, Satan deludes you into believing that your repentance has been accepted? This false sense of security could prevent you from experiencing the necessary depth of remorse and may ultimately lead to punishment.
   
2. There's a common belief that we should maintain a positive outlook towards Allah, assuming forgiveness. However, if this were true, why did the Prophet (SAW) and his companions express fear and shed tears during prayers? Couldn't they simply adopt a positive mindset and expect forgiveness from Allah (SWT)?
   

After reflecting on this, I've come to the realization that real life is unpredictable, and only Allah (SWT) knows our ultimate destiny, whether we'll face punishment or forgiveness. Ideally, we should strive to avoid all sins and perform good deeds. However, being human, some may sin due to their circumstances, personal agendas, animosity towards others, or inherent flaws in their character, among other reasons.
In my younger years, I used to wonder why Allah (SWT) would forgive criminals and those who commit heinous acts after they repent. Now, I understand that the reality is far more intricate and dynamic than it seems. We often only see snippets of news about criminals committing atrocious acts, but their backgrounds might reveal a different story. They may have endured childhood abuse, faced life's complexities beyond our comprehension, or had unique physical or mental challenges.
Islam teaches that individuals are to be judged based on their actions in this world. For example, a murderer should face the prescribed punishment according to Islamic law. However, in the Hereafter, only Allah (SWT) holds the ultimate judgment.
If any of you have recommendations for books, articles, or papers on this topic, I'd be eager to explore them when time permits. InshaAllah.

Hello everyone,
I’m filling in my application and I need some help as I am a bit confused as to what to put.
I’m applying for a visitors visa to visit my boyfriend for 2 weeks and I’m saying will be spending all my savings which are £1300 so far. I get paid on a weekly basis, so I’ll take more money but when I apply I’ll only have £1300 which will the the total of the money I have in my account. Will that be a problem?
I’m a personal trainer so I never make the same amount every month, it varies between $2000-3500 every month, it depends on how much I work and how many clients I’m training.
Also I’m not sure as to what to put on how much money I spend since every month is different. I’ve spending a lot lately hence why I don’t have a lot of savings.
I’ll be staying with my boyfriends parents whom I’ve visited many times already, they’ve written a letter stating that they will host me and feed me and attached they tax return as well as ID’s.
I appreciate all the help

My bf and I have been together for almost a year. He is a professional body piercer at a tattoo shop and makes 6 figures with tips, his salary, and the commission he makes off the expensive jewelry that they sell. This doesn't include the money that he invests. I have no idea how much he makes with that. But he's bragged about it a few times. I am a bartender, I make a decent amount of money for my age with no educational background. I entirely support myself, live on my own in an apartment, and am completely independent. I still make half of what he makes.
My boyfriend has a house, he is debt free, just bought a new car last year, supports his ex wife who still lives with him (whole other story), has tattoo appointments all the time, and buys expensive stuff for himself often. He is never generous with his money with me. I'm not asking him to buy me stuff, or pay for our meals all the time. I'm happy splitting the cost of things with him. But it just bothers me that he sees me struggle with money, knows that I am in a bunch of debt, and never offers to do those small things like pay for my portion of a meal occasionally or cover maybe a little more than only half of the groceries we buy together (especially since I'm the one always cooking for us).
For example, on valentines day I bought us couple massages that totaled 180$, he got me a card. It was a thoughtful card, but still. Later that day on valentines we went to the grocery store and I picked out some bathsalts bc I was low, two candles, body scrub and lotion. He watched me buy all of this, didn't offer to even buy one of those things for me. I've tried really hard to look past these things because I do love him a lot and he is a very sweet, loving, trusting person but it's frustrating. I have no problem fronting the bill for fun things for us to do together, but he never offers.
On top of all of this, he has told me all of his coworkers are hot, (has regretted it now that it became an issue, never said it again) but they are all very tattooed and pretty attractive ladies. A mutual friend of ours asked him one time what his favorite piercing to do was and he straight up said nipple piercings, with a smile. Right in front of me.
Bartending isn't easy, I physically work hard, deal with shitty customers sometimes, and sometimes shitty situations, like people pissing all over the bathroom floor or cursing at me for cutting them off, ect. It can be very fucking stressful. And making good tips is never guaranteed.
I feel like I have slowly been building up this resentment towards him about these things when I come home from work after a long, stressful night on my feet for 8 hours, making not a lot of money. While he gets to go to work, look at tits all day, in a generally relaxed environment, and come home making bank. I feel gross for feeling this way, I know I'm not entitled to his money. I don't want his money. But sometimes I feel like he's taking advantage of my generosity.
We went to Italy last year together and he told me he only had an American express card. Which never worked anywhere we went. So it was always me paying for everything everywhere because I have a Mastercard. He dislocated his shoulder on a hike out there, we had to get medics involved to get it back in place, they gave him morphine and stuff and I literally saw him pay with either a Visa or Mastercard right in front of me. Idk if it was the morphine or what the fuck, but he lied to me that whole trip about not having a card that works. I never brought this up, still haven't, as we have had plenty of other issues in our relationship.
We are going to Switzerland next week and he has told me to save money but has had like 5 or 6 new tattoo appointments in the past 2 months. I love him so much but his selfishness is really turning me off.

Before beginning, I'd like to provide some background information. I am a Muslim by birth and delved deeper into Islam during my late teenage years and early twenties. I often consult sources like islamqa, islamweb, along with various books, and watch educational lectures by knowledgeable individuals on YouTube.
The concept of repentance may seem straightforward to many—sin, repent, done. However, other thoughts arise that I feel compelled to understand. While I acknowledge that this platform may not be ideal for in-depth discussions, I aim to articulate my thoughts for the benefit of others going through similar experiences.
Do try to discuss the answers so that I and the other people who would be reading this answer could benefit as well.
Here are some thoughts:

1. If Allah SWT forgives any magnitude of sin, why not just commit the sin and repent afterward, knowing that everything will be fine?

In response to this question, a daee provided clarification. According to his explanation, the Quran and Sunnah primarily emphasize repentance for past sins rather than as a means to justify future transgressions. This perspective is supported by the actions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his companions, who did not view repentance as a justification for committing sins.

1. If individuals claim that repentance requires minimal contemplation, merely necessitating repentance and moving forward, then why did the Sahabas and companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) often exhibit emotional expressions such as crying and deep fear during their prayers?
   
2. I've noticed instances of people repenting, like a girl who shared her story on social media. She acknowledged her past mistakes and expressed repentance, hoping for forgiveness. Some individuals seem to view repenting for one sin as significant, but what about the other wrongdoings they continue to engage in? Take a hypothetical scenario of a girl, for instance. She stopped posting inappropriate content online and believes she's been forgiven. However, she still participates in behaviors like gossiping, lying, or engaging in practices like eyebrow trimming, which are discouraged in Islam. On one hand, she seeks forgiveness for one sin, but on the other hand, she persists in others. According to Islamic teachings, people who pluck their eyebrows are cursed by Allah SWT, while those who sincerely repent are loved by Him. So, what's her status? She repented from one sin but still continues the other sin. Is Allah SWT pleased with her, or does she remain under a curse until she repents for everything?
   

From this, we understand that we exist in a realm of both fear and hope. We cannot definitively determine whether we will be punished or forgiven. Our actions often involve a mixture of permissible and impermissible deeds, with varying proportions for each individual. Hence, we cannot confidently assert that we belong to the repentant group, whom Allah (SWT) loves.

1. I've also encountered a post from a woman who shared her experience of being in an abusive marriage. After their separation, her husband expressed his intention to perform Umrah and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT. This left her feeling surprised; despite enduring abuse, her husband sought forgiveness. Similarly, what if those who have caused emotional turmoil and suffering sincerely repent and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT? Such situations can deeply affect individuals, leading them to question why the abusers seemingly go unpunished. As Muslims, we believe in the justice of Allah SWT. We believe that Allah SWT is just and whoever says that Allah is unjust then that person has committed an act of kufr. On a surface level, it may seem like Allah SWT has forgiven the abuser but with complete justice which may be beyond our comprehension. Perhaps the abuser underwent significant mental or financial struggles in life. It's also possible that Allah SWT, in His mercy, forgave the abuser and also pardoned any major sins committed by the victim. Or, Allah SWT may have forgiven the abuser and elevated the blessings and status of the victim. Ultimately, only Allah knows the complexities of such situations.
   
2. One of the conditions for repentance is genuine remorse. I've come across posts where women confess to committing zina and other sins, and some receive support from others who believe their repentance is sufficient. However, while some show only a small amount of remorse and move on, others experience intense guilt and panic attacks. They worry about whether their repentance will be accepted, especially considering the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to repent 100 times a day. In contrast, individuals with numerous sins may simply say "I repent" and move on without much reflection. Then there are other people who may commit numerous sins and after knowing about the repentance thing which requires remorse, they may end up guilt tripped.
   
3. There are young college Muslims in the new generation who are focused on self-development, motivation, productivity and achieving success in both this world and the Hereafter. While they generally steer clear of explicitly forbidden actions, they may justify engaging in activities that offer worldly benefits, even if they are considered forbidden. They rationalize that they can simply repent sincerely afterward, believing that Allah SWT will forgive them. Thus, they avoid sins like drugs, alcohol, and gambling, recognizing the harm they bring. However, they may not hesitate to indulge in activities such as watching Netflix, attending clubs, or pursuing careers in sectors deemed forbidden, like banking or insurance. They justify these actions with the intention of repenting later, assuming that their sincere repentance will absolve them of their transgressions. Unfortunately, society thinks these people to be successful guys. These people are following the liberal ideas and trying to integrate it with the teachings of Islam.
   
4. Correct me if I am wrong. Another concept I've learned is that punishment can also appear in this worldly life as well. So, if you've committed a sin and find yourself in a troubled state, deciding to repent afterward, for instance, if you committed a sin and then faced a crisis, intending to repent a year later. However, what if the worldly punishment arrives in just six months?
   
5. Some individuals who lack knowledge interpret Hadiths in different manner, such as the example of a prostitute who provided water to a dog and was forgiven. These people think that doing all sorts of haraam stuff and finally doing some little bit of good deeds can wipe out thier major sins.
   

I recall reading a commentary by Sheikh Ibn Taymiyyah approximately five years ago, although I don't recall the exact source. He explained that this specific incident doesn't imply a general rule that one can commit major sins and then be forgiven by performing a good deed, such as giving water to a dog or a human. Instead, it emphasizes that the decision to forgive or punish lies with Allah SWT based on His discretion. The prostitute in this instance was fortunate to receive forgiveness under particular circumstances. However, it's important to note that continuous engagement in sinful activities, even alongside little bit of good deeds, doesn't guarantee forgiveness. Another Hadith recounts the story of a woman who was unkind to her neighbor but was doing other good deeds, despite doing good deeds, she faced punishment of treating her neighbor badly.
Ultimately, these specific incidents are subject to the divine decree of Allah SWT, who possesses the authority to forgive anyone, regardless of their sins. It's crucial not to extrapolate general rulings from these particular Hadiths. The general principle is that accumulating more good deeds is essential for attaining Paradise.

1. Suppose a person endeavors to abstain from sins to the best of their ability, yet struggles with performing salah.

Upon encountering the Quranic verse, "So woe to those who pray, [But] who are heedless of their prayer" (Quran 107: 4-5),
what should this individual contemplate? Should they perceive Allah SWT as compassionate because they are repenting from other transgressions, or should they feel cursed due to their difficulties with prayer, potentially stemming from their upbringing in a non-Muslim environment where they may not fully comprehend the prayers?
Given that salah is a fundamental pillar of Islam, obligatory to perform daily at specified times, how should the individual navigate this dilemma? They may find themselves in a continuous cycle of striving to improve their prayer, repenting for their lapses, and then returning to prayer once more. However, this cycle could potentially induce feelings of guilt and religious trauma, potentially diminishing their interest in salah. This presents a significant challenge for the individual to overcome, requiring introspection and perhaps seeking guidance from knowledgeable sources to address their concerns and strengthen their resolve in maintaining their salah.

1. There are hadiths that can significantly alter one's perspective when learning about Islam. One such hadith is the narration of Thawban, where it is described that individuals will have good deeds resembling mountains, yet these deeds will be scattered to dust due to their transgressions against the limits set by Allah SWT when they were alone.

This prompts contemplation on the fate of individuals who have engaged in long-term activities such as maintaining subscriptions to Netflix, committing acts of zina, or other similar actions. If these individuals sincerely repent, what happens to their previous good deeds? Do they regain their lost merits, or are their good deeds ultimately nullified despite their repentance? This question delves into the complex dynamics of repentance and its implications on past actions, inviting deeper reflection and understanding of Islamic teachings regarding forgiveness and redemption.

1. what if, after repenting, Satan deludes you into believing that your repentance has been accepted? This false sense of security could prevent you from experiencing the necessary depth of remorse and may ultimately lead to punishment.
   
2. There's a common belief that we should maintain a positive outlook towards Allah, assuming forgiveness. However, if this were true, why did the Prophet (SAW) and his companions express fear and shed tears during prayers? Couldn't they simply adopt a positive mindset and expect forgiveness from Allah (SWT)?
   

After reflecting on this, I've come to the realization that real life is unpredictable, and only Allah (SWT) knows our ultimate destiny, whether we'll face punishment or forgiveness. Ideally, we should strive to avoid all sins and perform good deeds. However, being human, some may sin due to their circumstances, personal agendas, animosity towards others, or inherent flaws in their character, among other reasons.
In my younger years, I used to wonder why Allah (SWT) would forgive criminals and those who commit heinous acts after they repent. Now, I understand that the reality is far more intricate and dynamic than it seems. We often only see snippets of news about criminals committing atrocious acts, but their backgrounds might reveal a different story. They may have endured childhood abuse, faced life's complexities beyond our comprehension, or had unique physical or mental challenges.
Islam teaches that individuals are to be judged based on their actions in this world. For example, a murderer should face the prescribed punishment according to Islamic law. However, in the Hereafter, only Allah (SWT) holds the ultimate judgment.
If any of you have recommendations for books, articles, or papers on this topic, I'd be eager to explore them when time permits. InshaAllah.

Before beginning, I'd like to provide some background information. I am a Muslim by birth and delved deeper into Islam during my late teenage years and early twenties. I often consult sources like islamqa, islamweb, along with various books, and watch educational lectures by knowledgeable individuals on YouTube.
The concept of repentance may seem straightforward to many—sin, repent, done. However, other thoughts arise that I feel compelled to understand. While I acknowledge that this platform may not be ideal for in-depth discussions, I aim to articulate my thoughts for the benefit of others going through similar experiences.
Do try to discuss the answers so that I and the other people who would be reading this answer could benefit as well.
Here are some thoughts:

1. If Allah SWT forgives any magnitude of sin, why not just commit the sin and repent afterward, knowing that everything will be fine?

In response to this question, a daee provided clarification. According to his explanation, the Quran and Sunnah primarily emphasize repentance for past sins rather than as a means to justify future transgressions. This perspective is supported by the actions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his companions, who did not view repentance as a justification for committing sins.

1. If individuals claim that repentance requires minimal contemplation, merely necessitating repentance and moving forward, then why did the Sahabas and companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) often exhibit emotional expressions such as crying and deep fear during their prayers?
   
2. I've noticed instances of people repenting, like a girl who shared her story on social media. She acknowledged her past mistakes and expressed repentance, hoping for forgiveness. Some individuals seem to view repenting for one sin as significant, but what about the other wrongdoings they continue to engage in? Take a hypothetical scenario of a girl, for instance. She stopped posting inappropriate content online and believes she's been forgiven. However, she still participates in behaviors like gossiping, lying, or engaging in practices like eyebrow trimming, which are discouraged in Islam. On one hand, she seeks forgiveness for one sin, but on the other hand, she persists in others. According to Islamic teachings, people who pluck their eyebrows are cursed by Allah SWT, while those who sincerely repent are loved by Him. So, what's her status? She repented from one sin but still continues the other sin. Is Allah SWT pleased with her, or does she remain under a curse until she repents for everything?
   

From this, we understand that we exist in a realm of both fear and hope. We cannot definitively determine whether we will be punished or forgiven. Our actions often involve a mixture of permissible and impermissible deeds, with varying proportions for each individual. Hence, we cannot confidently assert that we belong to the repentant group, whom Allah (SWT) loves.

1. I've also encountered a post from a woman who shared her experience of being in an abusive marriage. After their separation, her husband expressed his intention to perform Umrah and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT. This left her feeling surprised; despite enduring abuse, her husband sought forgiveness. Similarly, what if those who have caused emotional turmoil and suffering sincerely repent and seek forgiveness from Allah SWT? Such situations can deeply affect individuals, leading them to question why the abusers seemingly go unpunished. As Muslims, we believe in the justice of Allah SWT. We believe that Allah SWT is just and whoever says that Allah is unjust then that person has committed an act of kufr. On a surface level, it may seem like Allah SWT has forgiven the abuser but with complete justice which may be beyond our comprehension. Perhaps the abuser underwent significant mental or financial struggles in life. It's also possible that Allah SWT, in His mercy, forgave the abuser and also pardoned any major sins committed by the victim. Or, Allah SWT may have forgiven the abuser and elevated the blessings and status of the victim. Ultimately, only Allah knows the complexities of such situations.
   
2. One of the conditions for repentance is genuine remorse. I've come across posts where women confess to committing zina and other sins, and some receive support from others who believe their repentance is sufficient. However, while some show only a small amount of remorse and move on, others experience intense guilt and panic attacks. They worry about whether their repentance will be accepted, especially considering the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to repent 100 times a day. In contrast, individuals with numerous sins may simply say "I repent" and move on without much reflection. Then there are other people who may commit numerous sins and after knowing about the repentance thing which requires remorse, they may end up guilt tripped.
   
3. There are young college Muslims in the new generation who are focused on self-development, motivation, productivity and achieving success in both this world and the Hereafter. While they generally steer clear of explicitly forbidden actions, they may justify engaging in activities that offer worldly benefits, even if they are considered forbidden. They rationalize that they can simply repent sincerely afterward, believing that Allah SWT will forgive them. Thus, they avoid sins like drugs, alcohol, and gambling, recognizing the harm they bring. However, they may not hesitate to indulge in activities such as watching Netflix, attending clubs, or pursuing careers in sectors deemed forbidden, like banking or insurance. They justify these actions with the intention of repenting later, assuming that their sincere repentance will absolve them of their transgressions. Unfortunately, society thinks these people to be successful guys. These people are following the liberal ideas and trying to integrate it with the teachings of Islam.
   
4. Correct me if I am wrong. Another concept I've learned is that punishment can also appear in this worldly life as well. So, if you've committed a sin and find yourself in a troubled state, deciding to repent afterward, for instance, if you committed a sin and then faced a crisis, intending to repent a year later. However, what if the worldly punishment arrives in just six months?
   
5. Some individuals who lack knowledge interpret Hadiths in different manner, such as the example of a prostitute who provided water to a dog and was forgiven. These people think that doing all sorts of haraam stuff and finally doing some little bit of good deeds can wipe out thier major sins.
   

I recall reading a commentary by Sheikh Ibn Taymiyyah approximately five years ago, although I don't recall the exact source. He explained that this specific incident doesn't imply a general rule that one can commit major sins and then be forgiven by performing a good deed, such as giving water to a dog or a human. Instead, it emphasizes that the decision to forgive or punish lies with Allah SWT based on His discretion. The prostitute in this instance was fortunate to receive forgiveness under particular circumstances. However, it's important to note that continuous engagement in sinful activities, even alongside little bit of good deeds, doesn't guarantee forgiveness. Another Hadith recounts the story of a woman who was unkind to her neighbor but was doing other good deeds, despite doing good deeds, she faced punishment of treating her neighbor badly.
Ultimately, these specific incidents are subject to the divine decree of Allah SWT, who possesses the authority to forgive anyone, regardless of their sins. It's crucial not to extrapolate general rulings from these particular Hadiths. The general principle is that accumulating more good deeds is essential for attaining Paradise.

1. Suppose a person endeavors to abstain from sins to the best of their ability, yet struggles with performing salah.

Upon encountering the Quranic verse, "So woe to those who pray, [But] who are heedless of their prayer" (Quran 107: 4-5),
what should this individual contemplate? Should they perceive Allah SWT as compassionate because they are repenting from other transgressions, or should they feel cursed due to their difficulties with prayer, potentially stemming from their upbringing in a non-Muslim environment where they may not fully comprehend the prayers?
Given that salah is a fundamental pillar of Islam, obligatory to perform daily at specified times, how should the individual navigate this dilemma? They may find themselves in a continuous cycle of striving to improve their prayer, repenting for their lapses, and then returning to prayer once more. However, this cycle could potentially induce feelings of guilt and religious trauma, potentially diminishing their interest in salah. This presents a significant challenge for the individual to overcome, requiring introspection and perhaps seeking guidance from knowledgeable sources to address their concerns and strengthen their resolve in maintaining their salah.

1. There are hadiths that can significantly alter one's perspective when learning about Islam. One such hadith is the narration of Thawban, where it is described that individuals will have good deeds resembling mountains, yet these deeds will be scattered to dust due to their transgressions against the limits set by Allah SWT when they were alone.

This prompts contemplation on the fate of individuals who have engaged in long-term activities such as maintaining subscriptions to Netflix, committing acts of zina, or other similar actions. If these individuals sincerely repent, what happens to their previous good deeds? Do they regain their lost merits, or are their good deeds ultimately nullified despite their repentance? This question delves into the complex dynamics of repentance and its implications on past actions, inviting deeper reflection and understanding of Islamic teachings regarding forgiveness and redemption.

1. what if, after repenting, Satan deludes you into believing that your repentance has been accepted? This false sense of security could prevent you from experiencing the necessary depth of remorse and may ultimately lead to punishment.
   
2. There's a common belief that we should maintain a positive outlook towards Allah, assuming forgiveness. However, if this were true, why did the Prophet (SAW) and his companions express fear and shed tears during prayers? Couldn't they simply adopt a positive mindset and expect forgiveness from Allah (SWT)?
   

After reflecting on this, I've come to the realization that real life is unpredictable, and only Allah (SWT) knows our ultimate destiny, whether we'll face punishment or forgiveness. Ideally, we should strive to avoid all sins and perform good deeds. However, being human, some may sin due to their circumstances, personal agendas, animosity towards others, or inherent flaws in their character, among other reasons.
In my younger years, I used to wonder why Allah (SWT) would forgive criminals and those who commit heinous acts after they repent. Now, I understand that the reality is far more intricate and dynamic than it seems. We often only see snippets of news about criminals committing atrocious acts, but their backgrounds might reveal a different story. They may have endured childhood abuse, faced life's complexities beyond our comprehension, or had unique physical or mental challenges.
Islam teaches that individuals are to be judged based on their actions in this world. For example, a murderer should face the prescribed punishment according to Islamic law. However, in the Hereafter, only Allah (SWT) holds the ultimate judgment.
If any of you have recommendations for books, articles, or papers on this topic, I'd be eager to explore them when time permits. InshaAllah.

"Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania"
Meet Jeff, a 30something year old former property developer who has had to take up a job as a taxi driver.
Jeff has got a plot of land tucked away near Bethel Park, but he needs funds to build a home, so he begins work as a taxi driver.
Set on a huge map (approx 190 square kilometers) of Allegheny County (1:10 scale), Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is worlds away from Taxi Life: A City Driving Simulator (which is set in part of Barcelona, Spain)...because it's not just a driving game, it's also a life sim, where you can walk around and explore when not working.
As you earn money from fares, you can purchase materials and labor for your new home and - get this - actualy design and build your new home yourself. So...there is also base building in the game (yikes, modern base building and it's not even an apocalyptic wasteland).
You usually pick up the highest fares in and around Pittsburgh International (yes, the airport) or downtown Pittsburgh, but competition is fierce and you usualy have to compete with established cab companies such as The Yellow Cab Company (ingame).
As time goes on, you'll have built a reputation and you may receive job offers to be a private chauffeur for multiple clients. You can turn this down if you wish, but job opportunities are rare and lucrative.
There is also further base building available later on and you can sell your existing plot and trade it with another larger plot where you can design and build a larger home.
When the main campaign story is completed, you also have the freedom to start up your own taxi company from scratch and you can hire taxi drivers and staff, but staff costs are high so watch out! Also, beware, when you start your own cab company, you are invited by the local media for an interview and thrust into the public eye, so anything your drivers do (or do wrong!) will reflect on you, so make sure they're trained against thieves and troublemakers.
There is a law enforcement system in the game and whilst you can break the speed limit, you are only stopped and ticketed by cops if they see you or if somebody reports you. When stopped, a dramatic cutscene is shown (similar to Midnight Club: LA, but longer) and you have 30 days to pay the ticket off. If you fail to pay, the fine will be doubled and then tripled and so on and so forth.
Criminals exist, so watch out. Whilst it's rare for carjackers to target taxi drivers, it can happen. As a result, in the game, playing as Jeff, you are able to acquire an open carry or concealed carry permit and purchase a firearm (there are only three licensed gun stores in the game's version of Allegheny County and they are a long drive away). Firearms training also tells taxi drivers to target the arms and legs of belligerents and try to avoid shooting the torso. Crime is relatively low in this game's version of Allegheny County, so you'll rarely have to discharge your weapon, if at all.
There are also side activities and cinematics in the game, as well as dramatic missions.
For example, an unexpected fare comes in the form of a pregnant woman who is in labor and needs to make it to one of the map's five hospitals. Another dramatic mission involves a bank robber who has been shot by an armed security guard and offers to pay you ten times a regular fare to get him to certain location. Also around the map, you may sometimes have to deal with skaters and people on rollerskates grabbing onto cars in traffic, but this is only a minor nuisance and constitutes brief events.
Ultimately, Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is primarily a tax driving simulator, but doubles up as a life sim with some elements of base building and business management.

"Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania"
Meet Jeff, a 30something year old former property developer who has had to take up a job as a taxi driver.
Jeff has got a plot of land tucked away near Bethel Park, but he needs funds to build a home, so he begins work as a taxi driver.
Set on a huge map (approx 190 square kilometers) of Allegheny County (1:10 scale), Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is worlds away from Taxi Life: A City Driving Simulator (which is set in part of Barcelona, Spain)...because it's not just a driving game, it's also a life sim, where you can walk around and explore when not working.
As you earn money from fares, you can purchase materials and labor for your new home and - get this - actually design and build your new home yourself. So...there is also base building in the game (yikes, modern base building and it's not even an apocalyptic wasteland).
You usually pick up the highest fares in and around Pittsburgh International (yes, the airport) or downtown Pittsburgh, but competition is fierce and you usually have to compete with established cab companies such as The Yellow Cab Company (ingame).
As time goes on, you'll have built a reputation and you may receive job offers to be a private chauffeur for multiple clients. You can turn this down if you wish, but job opportunities are rare and lucrative.
There is also further base building available later on and you can sell your existing plot and trade it with another larger plot where you can design and build a larger home.
When the main campaign story is completed, you also have the freedom to start up your own taxi company from scratch and you can hire taxi drivers and staff, but staff costs are high so watch out! Also, beware, when you start your own cab company, you are invited by the local media for an interview and thrust into the public eye, so anything your drivers do (or do wrong!) will reflect on you, so make sure they're trained against thieves and troublemakers.
There is a law enforcement system in the game and whilst you can break the speed limit, you are only stopped and ticketed by cops if they see you or if somebody reports you. When stopped, a dramatic cutscene is shown (similar to Midnight Club: LA, but longer) and you have 30 days to pay the ticket off. If you fail to pay, the fine will be doubled and then tripled and so on and so forth.
Criminals exist, so watch out. Whilst it's rare for carjackers to target taxi drivers, it can happen. As a result, in the game, playing as Jeff, you are able to acquire an open carry or concealed carry permit and purchase a firearm (there are only three licensed gun stores in the game's version of Allegheny County and they are a long drive away). Firearms training also tells taxi drivers to target the arms and legs of belligerents and try to avoid shooting the torso. Crime is relatively low in this game's version of Allegheny County, so you'll rarely have to discharge your weapon, if at all.
There are also side activities and cinematics in the game, as well as dramatic missions.
For example, an unexpected fare comes in the form of a pregnant woman who is in labor and needs to make it to one of the map's five hospitals. Another dramatic mission involves a bank robber who has been shot by an armed security guard and offers to pay you ten times a regular fare to get him to certain location. Also around the map, you may sometimes have to deal with skaters and people on rollerskates grabbing onto cars in traffic, but this is only a minor nuisance and constitutes brief events.
Ultimately, Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is primarily a tax driving simulator, but doubles up as a life sim with some elements of base building and business management.
(Another upcoming title from the developer is "Surfer's Paradise". Set on a 1:7 scale map of Orange County, California - but LA isn't in the game - you play Travis, a surfer and a skater who is forced to do odd jobs to pay for his sick grandfather's insurance, medical bills and treatment)

"Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania"
Meet Jeff, a 30something year old former property developer who has had to take up a job as a taxi driver.
Jeff has got a plot of land tucked away near Bethel Park, but he needs funds to build a home, so he begins work as a taxi driver.
Set on a huge map (approx 190 square kilometers) of Allegheny County (1:10 scale), Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is worlds away from Taxi Life: A City Driving Simulator (which is set in part of Barcelona, Spain)...because it's not just a driving game, it's also a life sim, where you can walk around and explore when not working.
As you earn money from fares, you can purchase materials and labor for your new home and - get this - actually design and build your new home yourself. So...there is also base building in the game (yikes, modern base building and it's not even an apocalyptic wasteland).
You usually pick up the highest fares in and around Pittsburgh International (yes, the airport) or downtown Pittsburgh, but competition is fierce and you usually have to compete with established cab companies such as The Yellow Cab Company (ingame).
As time goes on, you'll have built a reputation and you may receive job offers to be a private chauffeur for multiple clients. You can turn this down if you wish, but job opportunities are rare and lucrative.
There is also further base building available later on and you can sell your existing plot and trade it with another larger plot where you can design and build a larger home.
When the main campaign story is completed, you also have the freedom to start up your own taxi company from scratch and you can hire taxi drivers and staff, but staff costs are high so watch out! Also, beware, when you start your own cab company, you are invited by the local media for an interview and thrust into the public eye, so anything your drivers do (or do wrong!) will reflect on you, so make sure they're trained against thieves and troublemakers.
There is a law enforcement system in the game and whilst you can break the speed limit, you are only stopped and ticketed by cops if they see you or if somebody reports you. When stopped, a dramatic cutscene is shown (similar to Midnight Club: LA, but longer) and you have 30 days to pay the ticket off. If you fail to pay, the fine will be doubled and then tripled and so on and so forth.
Criminals exist, so watch out. Whilst it's rare for carjackers to target taxi drivers, it can happen. As a result, in the game, playing as Jeff, you are able to acquire an open carry or concealed carry permit and purchase a firearm (there are only three licensed gun stores in the game's version of Allegheny County and they are a long drive away). Firearms training also tells taxi drivers to target the arms and legs of belligerents and try to avoid shooting the torso. Crime is relatively low in this game's version of Allegheny County, so you'll rarely have to discharge your weapon, if at all.
There are also side activities and cinematics in the game, as well as dramatic missions.
For example, an unexpected fare comes in the form of a pregnant woman who is in labor and needs to make it to one of the map's five hospitals. Another dramatic mission involves a bank robber who has been shot by an armed security guard and offers to pay you ten times a regular fare to get him to certain location. Also around the map, you may sometimes have to deal with skaters and people on rollerskates grabbing onto cars in traffic, but this is only a minor nuisance and constitutes brief events.
Ultimately, Taxi Driver: Pennsylvania is primarily a tax driving simulator, but doubles up as a life sim with some elements of base building and business management.
(Another upcoming title from the developer is "Surfer's Paradise". Set on a 1:7 scale map of Orange County, California - but LA isn't in the game - you play Travis, a surfer and a skater who is forced to do odd jobs to pay for his sick grandfather's insurance, medical bills and treatment)

PLEASE READ: THE WEEKLY INVITE THREAD IS FOR INVITE OFFERS ONLY! REQUESTS WILL RESULT IN BANS. ALL COMMENTS ARE REVIEWED.

This thread serves as a platform for tracker invite offers, it will turn over every week (on Mondays, 00:00 UTC) to keep offers and requests fresh.
All rules apply:

• Please see the no-movement list for prohibited trackers.
• Offers only. All other actions including wants and requests are prohibited.
  • Any requests for invites will be met with an enhanced ban.
• Offering or requesting of accounts is prohibited.
• No referrals or promotions.
• ABSOLUTELY NO BUYING, SELLING, OR TRADING OF INVITES OR ACCOUNTS. YOU WILL BE PERMANENTLY BANNED ON FIRST OFFENSE.

Posting Guidelines:

• To offer an invite, please tag your comment with: [O]
  • Example: [O] 3x Invites to MyAwesomeTracker
• Please use only one comment per tracker, split up offers for multiple trackers between multiple comments.
• Include any other necessary information or requirements (proofs, etc) with offers, if applicable.
• Be sure to update your comment as invites are consumed.

Report any violations of these rules.

Demographics
Gender: Male
Race/Ethnicity: East Asian
Residence: Ontario, Canada
Income Bracket: 125k~ USD/yr (need financial aid, and i'm international)
Type of School: Public School
Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): None rly, Potential walk-on athlete?
Intended Major(s): Biology
Academics
GPA (UW/W): 3.25 UW/3.9 W (unofficial GPA, school doesn't calculate or send GPA)
Rank (or percentile): School doesn't rank

of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: Full IBDP, AP Calculus BC (5), AP Stats (5)

Senior Year Course Load:

1. IB2 English HL
2. IB2 Chemistry HL
3. IB2 Biology HL
4. IB2 Math AA HL
   
5. IB2 History SL
   
6. IB2 French B SL
   
7. Grade 12 Physics
   

Standardized Testing
SAT: 1550 (760 English, 790 Math)
June 2023 (1st attempt, didn't retake)
Extracurriculars/Activities
List all extracurricular involvements, including leadership roles, time commitments, major achievements, etc.

1 - Senior Boys Basketball Team Member for 3 years, Regional All-star sr year

(Only received recruiting interest from Canadian Schools)

2 - Biochem Research Assistant at Local University (presented a portion of the research I completed at science fair)

3 - Local Gym Club Founder

4 - Gym Tiktok (if yk me don't dox me) (20k~ followers)

5 - Family Responsibilities

6 - Local Basketball Youth team Coach

7 - Investing

8 - Hospital Volunteer

9 - Paid Math tutor (not for long)

10 - Math Circle Member (Community)

Awards/Honors

1 - CMO Qualifier (2023) - {top quartile in 2023, invited to write IMO TST, did not go tho}

• Documented in my Rec letter from math teacher
  
• also qualified for 2024 CMO, not in app tho, did worst than last year
  

2 - AMC Distinction (2022) - {AIME Qualifier in 2023}

• also qualified for AIME in 2024 and barely qualified for USAMO (120 AMC, 13 AIME 250 index), updated unis following qualification and sent AIME I '24 score of 13 in February 2024.

3 - Regional Science Fair Bronze Medalist (2023) - Qualified for National Science Fair

4 - Canadian Chemistry Contest Distinction (2023)

5 - USACO Gold

(Updated Schools with USAMO Qualification + some other smaller Math/CS contests results in February of this admissions cycle)
++ included some lesser known math/cs contest results in additional information section
Letters of Recommendation
IB French B teacher (9/10) - super chill she let me write it, wrote a lot about me being funny and actually caring about the class a bit despite nobody gaf about french at my school
IB Math teacher (10/10) - wrote about my strength in math and problem solving, how I made the class hella fun to be in, and how im a person everyone likes to be around. Bro blessed me tf up, but tbf i was prolly the best student he ever has had in terms of math strength. I also talk to him about the NBA regularly and he talked about that too. Really well written was acc super happy he wrote me such a good letter. He showed me it and I was pre surprised that he blessed up like that.
School Basketball Coach (9/10) - wrote this myself. Short and sweet stating im a hardworking player and great teammate/leader. pre well written tbh, some anecdotes too
Research Mentor (8/10) - wrote about my professionalism and strong logic/reasoning abilities combined with my aptitude/passion for science
Interviews
Dartmouth (6/10) - 25 mins, cool interviewer but short and just asked scripted questions lmao
UPenn (8/10) - 1 hr, pre cool guy, he was an athlete and we talked about a bunch of diff things
Princeton (4/10) - 25 mins, interviewer just asked scripted questions, didn't even smile or anything so robotic and lame
Harvard (9/10) - 3 hours, Investment banker dude who loves basketball, talked about a bunch of stuff esp basketball and he told me he would put in a superb note for me
Essays
Personal Statement (9/10): Spent a lot of time on this mofo, at least 50 hours (idk why I was such a perfectionist). Topic is deeply personal but reflected my growth as a human. Semi trauma dump, but also one that showcased lots of intellect id say.
Supplements (8/10): Friends/teachers helped me edit these, i'd say they were very unique. Wrote about biotech, the basketball community and a bunch more topics. I always told a story through these. My english teacher said they were very pleasing to read.
Decisions (all RD, was super busy in the beginning of the year)
Acceptances:
Harvard
Waterloo CS (Canada)
UofT CS (Canada)
UBC CS (Canada)
some other safeties in Canada
Waitlists:
UPenn
Rejections:
Brown (applied for need as intl)
Columbia (applied for need as intl)
Dartmouth
Princeton
Yale
MIT
Amherst (LAC)
Bowdoin (LAC)
Additional Information:
Didn't care about grades in freshman year and had all barely passing grades except for math/science so like equivalent to a 1.7~ something GPA in grade 9.
but yeah. got harvard with my shitty ass transcript. IG USAMO + breadth in ECs + not applying for CS/math helped. good interview + sat also played into my favour. 21 people from my school applied and a lot of them have lame ass personalities and im sure that reflected in their essays. even though my grades sucked in grade 9, they were roughly equal to everyone elses in my school for grade 11 who applied which is the most important year i hear so yeah thats that.
got decent finaid so i will be attending.
At a certain point in February even after scoring highly on AIME, I thought I'd have no chance so I was just ready to commit to a Canadian school which is cheap and provides a strong education (i got into waterloo early bc i did rly good on all their math/cs contests and had a decent top 6 course average) Waterloo CS is like roughly equal to t5 cs in the US and is crazy for industry placements.

I landed in Canada at Pearson Airport, Toronto on 26th March. I had my POE package with me which includes my initial approval of work permit by IRCC , employment letter and so on. When I landed , the officer there asked me to go a kiosk where in I scanned my passport and my ICT visa. After that , I was sent into a line where a officer asked me to look at the camera. After finishing that, they asked me to go to another officer where the officer asked me a couple of questions like to show them my passport, they looked at my Visa and asked me about where would I be working and how long I would be working. I told them that and they told me to have a good stay at Canada. Fast forward to that I applied for a SIN online a couple of weeks ago. And on THURSDAY I got a notification there was an error so I went to the service Canada and they told me I do not have my work permit.
How do I get my work permit? And where do I need to go?

So basically, my mother-in-law constantly butchers common words and sometimes even uses the wrong word entirely. I'll get to some examples further down. She's done this her entire life and English is the only language she has ever known and spoken. She continually mispronounces words or uses the wrong ones even right after hearing other people say them correctly, which is baffling to me. When my wife and I try to correct her mispronunciations, she either gets angry and says, "Well, that's just the way I talk! It's my accent!", or she rolls her eyes and says, "Whatever.", then goes right back to her mispronunciations. It's embarrassing at times being with her out in public or in social situations when she's with us and talking to other people because she's very outspoken, talks a lot to everyone and horribly butchers the English language even though that IS and always has been her only language. She graduated high school, but she's a bit illiterate and her reading ability is about on par with that of maybe a 3rd or 4th grader. She's never read a book and generally avoids reading things. She's not a very smart person in general, with probably a roughly 70 IQ if I had to guess.
My mother-in-law's mother mispronounced words too, but not as badly, and was a very ignorant person that came across as uneducated even though she also graduated from high school. My mother-in-law's father dropped out of high school to take care of his family, the family farm and then went on to join the army to fight in WW2. He had common sense smarts but not book smarts and he himself did not have the best grasp on grammar, but did not mispronounce words.
Here's where things get interesting. I recently found out that there was inbreeding in my wife's family. So, my mother-in-law's grandma had an arranged marriage with a cousin, from whom was born my mother-in-law's mom. My wife has severe dyslexia with letters, which makes reading and writing difficult for her, but not spoken language. Could the inbreeding with a cousin two generations prior, be close enough to account for my mother-in-law's low IQ and consistent inability to pronounce common words? And could that also account for my wife's dyslexia?
Now some examples of words my mother-in-law either mispronounces or substitutes the wrong words for:
"Walmark", instead of 'Walmart'
"Dimensions", instead of 'Dementia"
"Windle", instead of 'Window'
"Mural", instead of 'Mirror'
"Sectional Harassment", instead of 'Sexual Harassment'
"Acknowledge", instead of 'Knowledge' (In a sentence she'll say, "People don't have the acknowledge.")
"Melk", instead of 'Milk'
"Well", instead of 'Will'
"Yogur", instead of 'Yogurt'
"Mills Penis", instead of 'Milpitas' (I kid you not on this one! She really did say that. Milpitas is the name of a Bay Area city.
"Comparisment", instead of 'comparison'
"East", instead of 'Yeast'
"Yuge", instead of 'Huge'
"Actor Puncture", instead of 'Acupuncture'
"Fashlight", instead of 'Flashlight'
"Konkulator", instead of 'Calculator'
"Palbarian", instead of 'Pallbearer'
"Sea Auditors", instead of 'Sea Otters" (Yep, she really said that!)
"Botanion", instead of 'Botanical'
"Strainless", instead of 'Strenuous'
"Offishonal", instead of 'Efficient'
"Clock", instead of 'Clot'
"Big Locks", instead of 'Big Lots' (name of a major retailer)
"Telemarcher", instead of 'Telemarketer'
"Slum Ladder", instead of 'Slumlord'
"Clansdales", instead of 'Clydesdales'
"College Cheese", instead of 'Cottage Cheese'
"Cold Slop", instead of 'Coleslaw'
"Katherine", instead of 'Catheter"
There are MANY, Many more that I can't think of at the moment. There are so many more words that she gets wrong that it's practically in every other sentence that she pronounces something wrong. I'd love to hear your thoughts. As frustrating as this is, my wife and I get good chuckles with these butchered words. Of course, behind my mother-in-law's back and never in her presence.
It doesn't even stop there. She doesn't know "big" words either. I used the word 'sophisticated' in a sentence last week and she asked me what that word meant. I had to really simplify the definition so that she would understand it. When speaking to her I really have to withhold any words beyond a certain numbers of letters or beyond a certain level of commonality or she won't know what the word means. Even words like, 'Anomaly', 'Abhor', 'Circumvent', 'Embellish', 'Provocative', 'Transcendent', 'Prodigy'........she'd have no clue what any of those words mean. It's sad, embarrassing, mystifying, frustrating, and kinda funny all at the same time.

I got a request for credit of 12 000 USD denied by Care Credit. I was a bit surprised, as I've heard its pretty easy to accepted. Looking for some insight to why I got denied. Is 1 year & 5 months too short of a credit history? Do they not accept anyone on a work visa? Or was the credit I requested just too high?
These was the reasons according to the letter:

• Not enough available credit on revolving accounts
• Average time since revolving accounts opened is too recent
• Lack of first mortgage account information
• Lack of installment account information

About me:
Been in the US for 10 years on an O-1 Visa.
Vantage Credit score: 710
FICO score: 702
Longest Age of Account: 1 years & 5 months
Payment history: 100% on time
Credit Usage: 25%
Inquiries: 4 within 2 years
New accounts: 3 within 2 years
Available credit: 1600 USD
Income: 160 000 USD / year

• 34M, 6'0", 205lbs, White/Caucasian
• Primary Complaint: Chest pain, tightness in chest, trouble breathing, acute fatigue.
  • Chest pain is primarily in left side of chest, just to the left of the sternum, but not quite at the pectoral muscles. This is also where the tightness seems to stem from, spanning across the center of my chest. Another pain point appears to exist in the left side of the chest, around the mid/lower ribcage. This one can sometimes be irritated when moving certain ways, and almost feels muscular in sensation. I haven't been able to manipulate these points of concern or identify sensitivities with surface-level touch or massage, beyond just adding uncomfortable pressure.
• Secondary Complaints: Significant heartburn, intermittent skin rash (small itchy bumps appearing on hand/knuckles/testicles/elbow for the past 2-3 months), muscular pain/fatigue, intermittent lightheadedness.
• Past/Current Diagnoses: Idioventricular arrhythmia, GAD, ADHD, possible SAD/MDD, IBS
• Drink? 0-3 drinks per week (often 0). Smoke? No. Drugs? No.
• Medications (was taking none prior to this event):
  • Bupropion XL 150mg: Began 1 week prior to medical event, stopped after chest issues.
  • Esomeprazole Magnesium 20mg: Took two-week course, ending 3/4/24. Resolved heartburn in that time, but did not affect chest symptoms. Heartburn returned after this.
  • Propranolol 10mg: Prescribed off label for possible bodily anxiety. Took two weeks, now on hand for as-needed use. Saw intended improvements for bodily anxiety (my brain still reacted to anxiety-inducing events, but my breathing and heart rate remained normal), but the chest symptoms were unaffected.
  • Lorazepam 0.5mg: Prescribed in effort to treat chest pain. Currently trialing. Tried a 0.5mg dose so far, and noted slight calming effects, but no impact on chest issues. Planning to take a 1mg dose today to confirm results.
  • Arnuity Ellipta 100 MCG/ACT inhaler: Currently waiting on pharmacy to receive stock.

​
First, a quick background leading to the medical event.
I've been seeing a psychologist on and off for 3.5 years, but no other medical professionals in this time. The work done here was pretty basic--talked through a couple breakups, but typically met once per month for proactive work around daily life. I have a history of probable SAD (received a MDD diagnosis ~10 years ago) that began to interfere with my life around OctobeNovember 2023, so my psychologist recommended seeking a psychiatric prescriber.
I had an upcoming appointment with a new primary care provider, where I wanted to discuss ongoing fatigue since I had COVID in April 2023 (possible "long COVID"?), so I decided to discuss medication here as well, with the idea that they would have the whole picture in mind while treating me.
I'd tried SSRIs twice around 8-10 years prior and didn't love the sexual side effects, so I asked about Viibryd and Wellbutrin, which were recommendations I'd received. I mentioned hesitation around Wellbutrin, given a history of cardiac issues (ultimately diagnosed as an arrhythmia) and medication/stimulant sensitivity (and orders from my past cardiologist to avoid caffeine/stimulants), but my new PCP insisted he was comfortable prescribing it to me, so off I went with a 150mg bupropion prescription, taking my first dose on 12/4/23. They also ran an EKG that day, simply because I had worked with a cardiologist in the past and hadn't had one since then (outside of occasional Apple Watch ECGs), which was interpreted as normal, and I was referred to a sleep specialist for possible sleep apnea (later confirmed, and I'm now trying to figure out how to sleep with a CPAP).
Here's where the symptoms began.
One week later, on 12/11/23, I hadn't noticed any effects from the bupropion, either positive or negative. Around 7:40pm, I was relaxing on my couch in good health, playing a relaxing turn-based game (so no apparent stressors), when I felt intense pain in the left side of my chest. This lasted for 1-2 minutes, when the sharp pain subsided, but an intense tightness remained, which came with a sensation of some difficulty breathing.
I probably should have taken a trip to the ER, but I didn't due to fear of cost (poor choice, I know). I felt things out a bit and eventually went to sleep, hoping to feel better in the morning.
I did not feel better in the morning. I woke up with the feeling of tightness still present, along with feeling a bit lightheaded. I nearly passed out after getting up and moving around, but I barely avoided it by lying down in the floor and elevating my legs. I've passed out maybe 5-8 times in my life due to what is assumed to be anxiety/vasovagal in nature (from medical needle work/IVs, one reaction to numbing or dilation drops at optometrist, one reaction to an oncoming IBS event with lack of restroom access, one vaccination experience (of many before and since that went fine), and once while overdoing it when I had COVID), so I'm assuming that's what happened here. I've experienced occasional lightheadedness in the time since--maybe 5-6 days of frequent lightheadedness, but I haven't actually passed out in this time.
I managed to grab a same-day appointment with my PCP that morning, so I went in to see him, fully expecting to be referred to the ER or urgent care. He told me he wasn't worried about it being a heart attack, to continue taking the bupropion, asked when I was seeing my therapist next, asked for an update in a couple days, and sent me home.
With no change, I saw my PCP via telehealth two days later.
He advised me to continue taking the bupropion, but I reframed my inquiry around that to ask if it was safe to stop entirely. He said yes, so the dose taken earlier that day was my last. He referred me to get an x-ray and blood work. These came back normal, apart from a granuloma/calcified nodule in the left lung.
At this point, he asked me to come back in one month with a journal, which felt much too long, given the symptoms and their impact on my life. He also wrote me a work note recommending remote work while working out a treatment plan.
Currently, there has been no improvement--my chest still feels tight and/or in pain essentially all the time, with severity coming and going. At this time, I was also experiencing acute muscular pain/fatigue across my chest and arms, like I had gone to the gym and way overdone it on those muscles. It was mostly focused on the chest, and the muscles around the armpit. I also began to experience GI symptoms (primarily severe heartburn, but initially accompanied by excessive burping and notable gurgling/activity in the stomach that has since subsided).

• From my journaling, here are the activities correlated with my symptoms:
  • Lack of sleep. This is the most impactful by far.
  • Physical exercise/exertion, including short walks. This can be especially bad, but it's also one I have a bit more control over managing.
  • Driving, especially when heightened alertness is needed, such as in heavy traffic.
  • Remaining in one physical position for too long. Lying on my back is the worst, with lying on my sides, sitting upright at a desk, standing also providing discomfort. Sitting on the couch, where I can lounge and shift position more easily seems to be the least problematic spot for me, but rotating resting positions is the best thing for it so far.
  • Being in social settings for extended periods--even something fun and low-energy, like a couple friends coming to see me, feels taxing after a while. I suspect this has to do with my limited bandwidth, and the passive tension I experience as someone who experiences social anxiety, but it's noteworthy either way.
• It's worth noting that a lot of these symptom correlations don't occur immediately, but in the hours following, and symptoms can be elevated for days at a time if I overdo it too much. It's less like having the body feedback from a broken limb that says, "Don't move that way," and more like the timeline that comes with something like heartburn/IBS (you ate/did the wrong thing and are paying for it on a delay).

It took me multiple requests to get a cardiologist referral, which I directly requested, given my history. He also recommended lung function testing, so I scheduled that. Every time I've spoken with my PCP, he's brought up mental health and referred me to my psychologist, who has determined this is not a mental health issue, as I've never had anxiety present in anything close to these symptoms. We even tried some additional exercises around calming and anxiety, and they helped in the sense that if you have physical pain from something like a broken limb, being able to calm yourself and relax a bit is better than being anxious/agitated, but it does nothing for the actual symptoms (either in the moment or in the following hours).
As soon as I could, I made appointments with a psychiatric prescriber, a cardiologist, and a pulmonologist.
I onboarded with the psychiatric prescriber to explore the bupropion's possible role in this. I was told that given my medical history, prescribing the bupropion at all was not a good idea for me, and especially in an XL format at 150mg. The initial hypothesis was that this could have thrown my body into a "feedback loop" of bodily anxiety that persisted after stopping the medication, but after the symptoms didn't respond to a couple different prescriptions (see above), the determination was that this should be exhaustively diagnosed as a physical health issue. Long-term, this prescriber wants to try stimulants for ADHD treatment, but said this is on hold until the chest issues are resolved and a cardiologist has given approval.
The cardiologist I saw didn't want to see a 12-lead EKG (my latest was from the initial PCP visit before symptoms began). He scheduled an EKG stress test, which was actually the first time I got wired up since my symptoms began. He has also declined to view the medical records I acquired from my past cardiologist on more than one occasion, which detail my past diagnosis and testing (including another stress test, nuclear imaging, echo, and Holter monitor results).
I powered through the stress test as best I could. I experienced resistance in my chest as my breathing increased, but my symptoms got much worse as I returned to rest, and the following 3-5 days were especially bad. The good news is that the results came back good, but the cardiologist has advised against any further testing, despite symptoms persisting with no identified cause.
Here are the X-Rays taken last week after my lung function tests.
I saw the pulmonologist, who has maybe been the most thorough provider I've worked with so far (aside from the sleep specialist, who was excellent, and the psychiatric providers I've worked with outside my PCP's network). He mentioned the calcified nodule on my left lung remained static between the two rounds of X-Rays, and was likely a result of a past fungal infection, or similar. He said my lung function results were good, but noted my lungs held on to air a bit too long, which was possibly a sign of asthma (though unlikely, given I haven't presented accordingly in the past). He prescribed me an inhaler (see above) to try for a couple weeks, at which point he wants to refer me to a GI specialist for the heartburn and have an echo to check for pericarditis (he declined to refer until I've trialed the inhaler).
Feel free to skip to the end from here!
This next bit may be more about poor provider interactions, though I would absolutely invite advice.
About a month ago, my workplace requested a renewal for my remote work recommendation. It's been a good accommodation that allows me to work in light of the physical limitations I'm experiencing (without having to resort to a medical leave, which my psychologist recommended, but I can't afford), and there are no issues in performing my job remote. My PCP asked me to return in person before issuing another note, so I scheduled that and went in (with a different doctor this time). I was assessed, asked again repeatedly about mental health, and told a note would be written. I later found some very inaccurate notes that misrepresented much of what I said during the visit.
The following day, I received a message asking how I'd like the work letter formatted. I provided details and didn't hear back for a week. I nudged them, asking if they needed more details. This led to an interaction with my usual PCP, who asked what limitations I was experiencing... I returned to square one and laid them all out, as above in this post. He then asked why I hadn't seen a pulmonologist as discussed during my visit with the other doctor--this hadn't been brought up at all before now (and I scheduled my above detailed pulmonary visit after this interaction). He then again asked how my mental health was, and what my new psychiatrist recommended (which I had detailed previously). He then recommended I ask my psychiatrist for a work note instead, said that his office would reach out to their office, and noted that I would be charged for the message interaction, because it was initiated by me... despite it being a follow-up interaction initiated by his office after my last appointment. I relayed that I sent my psychiatrist a release form, but noted I wasn't sure how helpful a work note from their office would be, given the ruling that this is a physical issue unrelated to mental health. He requested I return in person yet again.
Against my better judgment, I agreed and set my appointment. The first thing he did in person was act confused and ask why I came in (this is not the first time we've had an appointment he requested begin this way). He then pointed out that I have a care plan via the pulmonologist, threw up his hands, and presented that in an "Okay, end of story, now go home" sort of way. I'm pretty uncomfortable advocating for myself, but I gave it my best shot. I explained that I'm still in pain and can't do the things I want to do, at work and beyond, and that I desperately want to return to normal health, or at least get some answers. He said that some things don't have a solution, and the stress test came back fine, so I can resume normal activity, and his biggest advice was to exercise.
I was baffled by this suggestion, so I explained that I would love to be able to resume exercise (I have a bike and paddleboard collecting dust, and I am not happy being stuck at home nearly all the time, feeling terrible while I manage my symptoms), but it's not something I'm able to do right now. I walked through the fact that I have a significant amount of pain that gets worse as my activity level increases, and we haven't identified a cause... which tells me that I shouldn't push things until I know what I can push. His response was that it would be fine. Specifically, he said that I'm an adult who can make the choice to push through discomfort, and his recommendation as an internal specialist was to exercise through it.
I should add that he was severely agitated and appeared on the verge of yelling this whole conversation, and I was shut down any time I attempted to discuss my symptoms or ask for help.
For example, I wanted to ask about the heartburn and where I need to draw lines on medicating for it, as I currently take famotidine 10-20mg as needed until I can do another round of Nexium, but am concerned with doing this for too long, especially if there may be a better approach to resolving it (and whether it may be related to the chest issues). I've actually brought my heartburn up with him a few times, and have been brushed off each time.
Now for the wrap-up (finally).
Apologies for the large volume of text there, but it's been a journey, and thank you to anybody who stuck through this far. Right now, I'm exhausted, in pain and intense discomfort, and I'm having a hard time being taken seriously or finding a provider who seems to care. If anybody has seen something like this or has a recommendation on what sort of providers or treatment/diagnostic work I should seek out, or even just advice on how to navigate the medical system in light of my experiences here, I'm very open to ideas.
I'm not sure what to make of it, given that I'm of course not a medical expert, but symptoms coming on from nothing at all to full symptoms in an instant, and sustaining for months after seems odd. The timing of the bupropion is also pretty suspect to me, but the issues persisting so long after stopping it is also odd. I've had hiatal hernia mentioned as a possibility, but with no improvement from the Nexium (beyond just the heartburn while actively taking it), I know that makes it unlikely to some extent. It feels like we're looking at a lot of "not very likely" possibilities at this stage, though, so I don't know where I should be looking.

In the "Sin Eater" episode, the boys mention that McTiernan had a massive ranch in Northern Wyoming, which happened to be outside my hometown. It was not unusual to spot him around town; news would travel fast of new celebrity sightings whenever he would invite movie stars to his ranch (for example, I spotted Colin Farrell in 2006 with his Miami Vice look).
In high school, I worked at the local movie theater and started getting into movies, so I became aware of he was. During that time, I had 2 interactions with him. The first - he and Luke Wilson came into the theater while I was running the ticket counter. They saw Collateral.
The second - McTiernan and his (now ex) wife came into the theater the same day that Variety broke the news that Die Hard 4 was in the works. I asked him if he was involved in the production - he told me it would never get made lol.
Anyway, that's my story. Great miniseries, y'all!

TL;DR Men: if you want to feel a deeper sense of connection in life, consider coming to my monthly men's group. Next one is
9 May 6-9pm Bodywise Somatic Healing Collective NW 12th + Flanders $50 suggested donation If you want to attend, please RSVP by emailing me at sean (at) seantalbeaux (dot) com, or by joining on Meetup
Hi, I'm Sean. I've lived in Portland for twelve years, which might be just long enough to call it home, but at the time, I was a hippie transplant from the road, looking for mentorship, marketable skills, and internal freedom. This town has given me so much more than those: a sense of belonging, many profound psychedelic experiences, marriage, an opportunity to heal the ludicrous amount of trauma my little self experienced, and a solid foundation from which to become a father.
Why am I telling you this?
It's important to me to give back, to be in reciprocity. One of the most important things in my life for the past many years has been sitting in circle with fellow men that I trust (which is not necessarily to say 'agree with'), and practicing being real with each other. To talk about vulnerable things, to receive honest, considered reflection from others that doesn't feel like something they just need to hear, and to notice what in my life is my responsibility, and what's not. Also, to learn to speak from my personal, present moment experience rather than rely on stories and tropes I've picked up from others about how the world works and who I am in it.
I'm not here to evangelize. Men's work may not be for you, but I'm curious if you've ever wanted just a slightly deeper conversation with your buddies at the bar, or wish they would just ask you a meaningful question about your life. Maybe your girl is the only person who knows you deeply, or maybe you're wanting partnership but the same relationship issues come up with every person who you start seeing, and what's the point. Or maybe you're just lonely.
I think there are very few more important things that men can do with our time than to gather together to practice being human. And there's something special that happens when we gather with the intention to be real and authentic with each other. It's a place where we can put down our masks, shields, status, rank, and strategies for a while, and be seen and heard for who we are, beneath all that.
I invite you to gather with me 2nd Thursdays starting 9 May at 6pm at Bodywise on NW 12th + Flanders.
These will be facilitated events oriented toward deeper connection with self and other. An example of what that means is that I may invite you to slow down and pay attention to your breath, or places of tension in your body. We may also do physical practices like Qi Gong, or partner exercises to tap into curiosity, mutual physicality, and emotional vulnerability.
These kinds of experiences are not for everyone. Some men do not feel safe being vulnerable in a group of men. That makes a lot of sense. I have been there. I spent most of my life unwilling to trust men. At this point, I have been sitting in and leading men's groups for many years, and my relationship to groups of men has changed dramatically.
That's why I offer these containers: so that we can practice together, and pay attention to the stuff that comes up. No matter what it is, now matter how big it feels or how small it makes you feel, it is welcome. You are welcome here.
This is not therapy or mental health counseling. This is more about deep inquiry into the present moment, which is the moment in between all the other moments that most of us tend to focus on.
The healing potential of psychedelics usually finds its way into the conversation. I'm all about that conversation, however, there will be no medicines available at these events.
Men who come to these events tend to build friendships with fellow participants. Sometimes, their relationships begin to change for the better, or new ones begin. Some men feel more connected to their life purpose. Fathers have reported being more present with their kids, and actually enjoying time with family instead of thinking about work, social media, gaming, porn, or bitcoin.
For others, the path is longer. When we bring attention to things that have been hiding in the shadows for a long time, those things may want to be heard. It can be scary at first, and following those threads can be the path to freedom. I've been there too, and I got you.
This is brave work. When you really engage with it, whether in this container or elsewhere, your life will begin to change. You may notice that you feel more agency, more choice, more fulfillment in the day to day. You may eventually notice less fidgeting, fewer addictive tendencies, or that you feel kinder to yourself, and perhaps others.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being a part of this town.
If you want to attend, please RSVP by emailing me at sean (at) seantalbeaux (dot) com, or by joining on Meetup
Please show up sober and on time. We will begin at 6pm.
9 May 6-9pm Bodywise Somatic Healing Collective NW 12th + Flanders
I am available for questions here, however, my work is off-screen and I have a toddler, so I may be slow to reply. Feel free to email questions as well.
Thank you.

There are three general types of government, with all other types being variations on those three: democracy, oligarchy, and autocracy. Either all can share in government, only some, or only one; otherwise there is no government. Which type has the best variation?
If all share in government, you have mob rule, unlimited hands in the treasury, wanting a cut. There is no assurance of life or property for anyone: if you have more, covetous neighbors can vote themselves your property. Many of the American founders openly condemned democracy, wanting to create a limited franchise, where property owners had a disproportionate share of power. Any legal assurance of individual liberty will be swept away if it ever becomes an obstacle to what the majority wants in the moment. It is not enough to say that something is illegal for the majority to do, to write and pass laws creating legal limits on its on what it can vote for. If power is shared by all, the majority will always have its way and who will stop them? In every country with a general franchise, there are countless cases of things that the government supposedly could not do, but did anyway if the wind happened to be blowing that way. In the United States virtually every amendment has been violated at some point. The power of the state has expanded beyond all limits established in the constitution, often to establish popular social programs. Besides unconstitutional social programs, large numbers of American citizens have been imprisoned solely on the basis of their ethnicity(see Japanese-American internment camps) with no due process of law, the state regularly violates privacy rights today, and has imprisoned people for their political opinions at various points(see Woodrow Wilson's presidency, for example). Is America the exception regarding countries with a general franchise? No.
In the U.K., with its vaunted constitutional "monarchy," where the monarch possesses no actual power and is not a part of the de facto political system except as a rubber stamp, freedom of speech has been abolished in favor of "hate speech" laws. The same is true in other European countries. There is no country with a general franchise where the government actually follows its constitution consistently, unless it has a very permissive, and thus worthless, constitution.
Power structures and their incentives constrain governments, not constitutions.
To guard against the dangers of mob rule, of democracy, the American founders and others created mechanisms to restrict the general population's involvement in government(we can see how successful that was in ensuring the rights of the individual(partial and temporary success before degrading)). In essence, they created oligarchic government instead. Many will praise oligarchy for its stability, for keeping mob rule in check while preventing the rise of a single oppressive autocrat. But it has its own problems instead.
Despairing of gaining supreme power, oligarchs are instead incentivized to collude to rob the nation of as much of its wealth as possible. Widespread, unaccountable corruption is practically certain in oligarchies. There are still plenty of "hands in the pot," all wanting a cut. The incentives of the alliance of oligarchs are to make their hold on power as secure as possible(i.e. to ossify the political system) and to leech as much off it as possible(because it the whole system breaks, an oligarch can always leave for a foreign land to live out his days in luxury with the wealth he stole). Since a successful oligarchic political system is fixed in place, unable to change much(the source of oligarchy's vaunted "stability"), if it enters upon a bad course, it will follow that course to the end, to the ruin of the nation over which it rules.
But what are the alternatives? Virtually everyone can think of failed autocracies and the dangers of a horrible ruler. But if one looks at the variant of autocracy that is absolute monarchy, one sees a system with, on the whole, a very good record. Most of the successful states in history were absolute monarchies and horrible rulers were rare. Most of the bad rulers I've seen were bad because they were weak, not because they were cruel or terrible in the way Hitler or Stalin were terrible. Some absolute monarchies are better than others as well; the Ottoman Empire never had a truly terrible ruler. It seems there are even better ways of arranging an absolute monarchy to maximize the systems benefits.
The following are my list of unique advantages of absolute monarchy:

1. The ruler is incentivized to work for the national good. The nation's power is the ruler's, and so in order to maximize his own upside, the ruler can only work to improve the nation as a whole in power and wealth. In a democracy or an oligarchy individual ambition is a danger to the political system, but in an absolute monarchy individual ambition in the ruler is a virtue.
2. The ruler is incentivized to care about the long term consequences. Absolute monarchy bets on basic human instincts, such as selfishness and care for one's own children, while other systems bet on "virtue" and altruism. Almost everyone wants to leave their children better off, and so an absolute monarchy incentivizes the ruler to care about the future of the nation, not merely to exploit it into the ground and fly out of the country on a helicopter while it falls apart, like the prime minister of Sri Lanka did in recent years after his idiotic debt-leveraging policies(notice the insane levels of debt in oligarchies/democracies around the world).
3. There is only one hand in the treasury. Even if the ruler wants to live large on taxpayer money, it's only one person rather than a large number of people. This is better for fiscal sustainability.
4. In absolute monarchy, the ones who hold power don't have to "sell themselves," whether than means promising "the people" or the oligarchs spoils. Other political systems select for people who are willing to wheel and deal to gain status, while monarchs hold their positions by right and in absolute monarchy don't have to share power with those who "sell themselves." As a result, absolute monarchy is the only political system where people of ordinary or even good character will gain power the vast majority of the time, as opposed to other systems, where you're more likely to promote the venal and mediocre than if you selected the ruler by lot.
5. Political power is only held by those who can be prepared from birth. Not every monarchy took advantage of this, but every monarchy that did produced good rulers with an unexpectedly high degree of consistency(see the Ottoman Empire in the first half of its history and Prussia up to and including Frederick the Great, where each generation added territory and power to the realm).
6. Absolute monarchy's greatest advantage, one that no other kind of monarchy can have, is the ability drag a nation back from the brink of oblivion over and over again. Only an autocrat has the resources to overcome seemingly impossible situations and triumph, something even republics like Rome, with its hatred of kings, acknowledged by appointing dictators. Philip II of Macedon saved his country: when he became king, it was being invaded by three separate enemies, had hardly any money, and a weak military on the verge of collapse, but he not only salvaged the situation, but made Macedon the hegemon of Greece and built the great army Alexander would use to conquer Persia. If a republic had been in Macedon's position, it probably wouldn't have survived. An absolute monarchy can take any necessary action to survive, while an oligarchy or a democracy is constrained in what it can practically do, especially in what it can practically do quickly, by its own nature. China has lasted over two millennia ruled by absolute monarchs, not because it was stable(it fractured many times), but because a new emperor or a new dynasty could always bring it back. This is also the reason Rome survived so long.

If you want survival for your nation, the two common ways for nations to die is to be destroyed by war or to become fiscally unsustainable. Absolute monarchy guards best against both.
The moment you introduce a power sharing arrangement, you make the monarch into just another oligarch and so he no longer has the positive incentives of absolute monarchy, just the negative incentives of oligarchy. Either that or you have a power struggle between the monarch and oligarchs, a power struggle monarchs frequently lose(see English civil war, the Hungarian "Golden Bull," and the fate of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth). Hungary and Poland-Lithuania's weak monarchies couldn't stand up to external threats(the Ottomans and the Russians) because the oligarchs wanted to weaken the central military, and thus the monarchy.
If you believe monarchs should have at least some power, be wary of power-sharing arrangements, because you could end up with just another republic in all but name.
If you believe that oligarchy or democracy is better than autocracy(inclusive of absolute monarchies) because America and Europe are richer than other places, you'll have to account for all the poor, failed oligarchies and democracies in Latin America, Africa, and various places in Asia. I have not noticed a tendency of monarchists to disown our ugly children, but democrats and republicans love to do this.
As for Europe's successes, they are easily explained by the fact that monarchies built Europe, monarchies where the monarchs had substantial power. It was only after they became rich and relatively stable that they were strong enough to endure the degradation of democracy and oligarchy without rapidly collapsing(though the French Revolution doesn't look so great, does it?). But they are living on the fumes of past accomplishment; European countries today are debt-ridden has-beens that lost their empires and are clearly in decline. America is only little behind Europe on this path and its gigantic size, wealth of natural resources, and extremely kind geography help mask its problems to a point.
I am a disillusioned former republican who grew up on the tales of the American Revolution and the glory of the founders. I favored an aristocratic republic for a while, hoping to protect the legacy of that revolution from the constant degradation by instituting a system that severely limited change. However, I came to view the ability to renew a nation's vitality as superior to stability of the political system and seeing the effects of oligarchy throughout history, both in my country and in others, has turned me against that system. America and Europe need to renew themselves in order to survive and not enter a final death spiral. I would like to see America become its own civilization-state which can come back from any cataclysm and for which people are willing to endure anything. I do not see that happening under a corrupt oligarchy, regardless of what band-aid fixes are made or who wins the next election.
I would invite more monarchists who are not already absolute monarchists to consider absolute monarchy. Constitutional monarchists should consider that based on the actual power structure of a constitutional monarchy, it does not have any of the advantages of monarchy while possessing all the disadvantages of a republic. Semi-constitutional monarchists should beware how the people with whom the monarch is sharing power can undermine and strangle the monarchy. By adding checks and balances, you do not simply have a monarchy, but without the risks, but both worsen and threaten the monarchy, changing the monarch's incentives for the worse. There is, unfortunately, no way out of the risks as far as I can tell. Any kind of government can become, and is just as likely as an absolute monarchy to become, oppressive.