If I had to describe myself, I would say that I am Black Caribbean (mum's side) and White British (dad's side), however I've never really resonated with either side. I have white+black mixed friends but it always seems that they all look the same as each other but I don't.
All my mixed friends have much darker skin than me, curly hair and definite black facial features. I am quite light skinned, my hair is only vaguely curly when wet (it's straight most of the time) and I don't have any noticeable black facial features. Because of this, I've always felt really different and I've never been able to relate to anything mixed related.
The lack of 'usual' mixed features could be linked to the fact that I have some Indian genes through my mum's side. My mum is black but her facial features could be considered 'less black' than most black people. As well as this, I have some Romani genes from my dad's side so you get the picture that I've got some different genes which could make me look less 'traditionally mixed race'.
I know, obviously, that mixed people can look very different but so far in my life I have only encountered two different 'looks': darker skinned with curly/afro hair and black facial features or very light skin with black facial features and lighter curly hair. I do not fit into either of these 'categories' and a lot of the time it makes me feel very disappointed with 'how I've come out'.
I've never really had much chance to embrace my mum's culture as I rarely visit the Caribbean unless it's for a funeral or something. If I'm honest, I really don't like going over there because I feel like 'the white one' amongst all my black relatives. It also doesn't help that I've been raised all my life in the UK with divorced parents so, as my mum frequently tells me, I act like a white person.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel too black to fit into the 'white category', too white to fit into the 'black category' but also too mixed up with other stuff and too different to fit into the 'mixed race category'. I don't feel proud. I don't feel any sense of belonging in any community. I'm just too different and while some may say it's a good thing to be different, I hate it and I want to have something to relate to, but I don't.

This was on the weekend, I realise I need to either forget about it or have a talk with her and that ranting on Reddit isn’t doing anyone any favours. I know.
I was at my mother’s house this weekend with my daughter, who’s 8. My mother was very excitedly talking about how she’s invited all my cousin’s daughters round for a sleepover that night for a ‘girls night’, and how nice it would be for them to all be together. My cousins’s daughters all range from 4 to about 9.
I knew my daughter wasn’t invited, first I’d heard of it, but kept my mouth shut initially. My daughter has a chromosomal disorder, she’s completely non verbal, and has a long list of health conditions. Would a sleepover be easy for anyone involved? Absolutely not, not pretending this is the case.
I asked my mum her plans for the evening, she said they were going to do some baking, at this point I asked if my daughter could join in that part because A.) She likes baking and B.) I want her to have a relationship with my cousins’s kids too. My mum then said it would be unfair on the others and started talking about how they needed ‘respite.’ Yeah, great, I’m sorry my daughter having fun is such a burden.
My mum has only had my daughter round to sleep a few times, she’s capable of looking after her needs but I appreciate with other kids to look after too - it would be a challenge. The only times my daughter has slept there were times my wife was in hospital, and the night of my wife’s funeral. That’s it. She talks often to me about how much she loves having the rest of my family’s kids over, she doesn’t ever say that about my daughter.
My daughter’s great, I don’t care about the sleepover itself. She’s my best friend, the one thing that keeps me going. I tried to have our own fun night at home but in all honesty, I was having a real rough time of it. I’m just fed up of people acting like it’s easier to not include her.

This is me venting but am also curious to know what everyone's relationship is like with half-siblings. Here's my story. I'm sorry in advance for how long this is, along with the grammarun-ons. I'm trying to give the Reddit community as much context as I can dating as far back as my memory takes me.
I (F 28) have two younger biological sisters (identical twins, F 25). The three of us were born after my dad married my mom (arranged marriage) after he and his first wife got divorced.
I believe my dad's first marriage lasted about 10 years. They had two kids together (my half-siblings). My older brother and I have an 8-year age difference, and my older sister and I have a 10-year age difference. Growing up, they used to visit us a few times a year including summer break or alternating holidays. Sometimes they would visit during Thanksgiving, other times during Christmas.
We used to be pretty close (at least I thought), but the relationship has become increasingly strained through the years. I understand the fact that there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, but I believe that my dad was on the right side of things and the marriage ended because two people weren't compatible and got married too young. It's always unfortunate when there are kids involved, and I'm sure it was tough with my older siblings being impacted at a young age.
It started when our grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away in November 2015. My brother suddenly stopped talking to my dad/our family immediately for whatever reason. He was the only person that didn't come to my grandpa's funeral. I honestly think he was holding a grudge that he didn't find out immediately when my grandpa passed, but I can't be too sure. We've never addressed that directly.
Fast forward 8 months to July 2016, when my dad's side of the family had a reunion at a first cousin's wedding. The vibes from my brother were like nothing had happened, and then after the wedding weekend, he was back to being silent. When my grandma (dad's mom) passed away in June 2019 he didn't show up to the funeral then either. Granted I didn't, but not because I didn't want to. I was a poor grad student and couldn't afford an $800 ticket on short notice and didn't want to burden my parents to pay for me to fly back for a couple of days either on top of how busy they were with funeral arrangements.
My brother went about 5 years to not talk to my dad or any of us. Then, out of nowhere, he calls one day to announce that he's getting married. The wedding is set for October 2022. I think he was buttering up my dad and our family to come to the wedding, because he knew it would look bad if everyone asked where his dad was for his wedding, and it would reflect poorly on him. The communication in 2022 was pretty consistent leading up to the wedding, and my older siblings would call my dad almost every weekend knowing that they needed us to show up to the wedding.
My older sister (F 38) had a baby girl in July 2018. Our dad was thrilled, his oldest daughter made him a grandpa. But there is clear separation and favoritism there, as my niece only sees her mom's side of the family being in the same area in the DMV. For those who aren't familiar with DC/MD/VA, my older sister lives in Virginia, in Arlington, and her mom lives in Herndon. About a 30-minute drive from each other. My parents live across the country in Orange County, so visits are far and few in between for my dad and his grandchild. I live on the Maryland side, and the state line between Maryland and Virginia is roughly 30 min, depending on where you go and the time of day. Anyway, I don't even know if my niece knows that she has another grandpa, outside of what she knows about my sister's mom and stepdad, and my brother-in-law's parents, who split time between the US and Nepal. I feel so bad for my dad because that's his grandkid too and everyone deserves the joy of being involved in their grandkids lives. My dad has seen my niece several times but the relationship is pretty surface level. It's not her fault, she doesn't know him like she does my sister's mom and stepdad, plus it's a proximity thing living on opposite sides of the country. We have FaceTime for these reasons though.
My husband and I aren't ready to have kids yet, and we want them. We've only been married for almost 7 months so we're still trying to live life before we settle down. I hope nothing more than to be able to give my parents a grandkid one day because I want my dad and mom to experience what they missed from my older half-siblings isolating them from their kids. That is if I'm able to have kids, I know we can't control these things.
This brings me to my next point (if you're still reading this, I appreciate you). My husband and I got married in October 2023. Our parents on both sides did everything they could to give us the wedding of our dreams, and it was everything we imagined and hoped for, and I'm forever grateful for that. I know that my wedding hit my dad harder emotionally than the first two with my older siblings because he was not at all involved during theirs. That wasn't by choice, my older siblings' mom probably didn't want him to be involved. Divorced dynamics are so confusing. You're telling me you can't come together and be civilized for a day/weekend? After my wedding, a few months later, sometime in January or February 2024, my dad called me to talk about how my sister was upset after our wedding and she vented about a few things with him on the phone. He was relaying the message over.
For context, I uploaded our wedding pictures on Facebook, because I have so many family members overseas in Nepal who weren't able to attend the wedding, and it was honestly the most convenient way to showcase our pictures since people in Nepal are ridiculously active on Facebook. My sister has social media, my brother got rid of his TwitteFacebook/Instagram/everything many years ago. Our photographer took several thousand pictures throughout the wedding weekend events, and of course, there were moments captured of my older sister and her family, including my brother-in-law, and niece. I will admit out of spite since my sister never posts anything about me and my dad/family, I tagged but then later on deleted those pictures she was in. Why would I have pictures of her on my social media when she's never posted anything of us? She doesn't even like or comment on anything on my social media, and when you have siblings, this is not something you discuss, you just do it. Duh. Over the last few days, I unfollowed her and unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram. For me, it makes no sense to keep people on my newsfeed if I don't interact with them, and I have plenty of family members and friends that I already have a strongemore communicative relationship with.
If my sister was upset about this, why did she call my dad to vent about this months later instead of coming to me? My dad told me she complained that he didn't mention her or my older brother during his speech at our wedding. But am I wrong for thinking, why would he? It's a celebration for me and my husband. I thought that was very conceited and selfish. The day wasn't about her, and my dad's speech was so heartfelt that I cried. I believe she was offended she didn't get the same during hers. However, my sister and brother never asked our dad to give a toast at their weddings. Only their mom did, which is messed up in my opinion.
I understand divorce is messy and complicated, and people go through years of therapy to fix, or maybe even never fix issues completely. It's hard, and I'm just a product of his second marriage. But I've never understood the jealousy that seems to exist, specifically between my older sister and me.
I tried reaching out to both of them in a group iMessage, talking about how I am not happy with the way they're treating our dad. My brother has stopped calling my dad completely over the last few months since his son (my dad's second grandkid) was born a few months ago in February. My sister calls maybe once a month. I wanted to confront them about this ongoing behavior and ill will toward our family. They didn't even have the guts to respond to me, I suggested if they have time to FaceTime so we can have a real adult conversation about what is their issue. My parents are flying to DC this weekend and the original plan was to drive a few hours north so they could see my brother's baby. No communication with my brother whatsoever to coordinate. I feel devastatingly sad for my dad.
I'm not even going to get into their treatment of my mom. That's another long story, but basically, it's them not giving a hoot about her, even though she's the one who took care of them and stepped up when they visited growing up. As a stepmom, it's hard to deal with kids from a previous marriage. But she did it and she loves them, and they're nothing but passive-aggressive and mean to her. They never wish her happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, or my parents happy anniversary. It takes two seconds. For me, if you disrespect my parents, you're disrespecting me.
Since then, my sister has unfollowed and unfriended everyone on social media, including my dad, my younger sisters, and my husband. All because she couldn't handle that I did that to her. I'm just not for this nasty behavior, and I know we all need to unpack a lot in therapy (me and my older siblings specifically). Their behavior is cowardly, and I can't be the only one that thinks this, right? I don't know. It didn't have to be like this. I'm sure their mom has been telling them bad things about the marriage and my dad for years. I'm not saying he probably didn't make mistakes, but there are, once again, two sides to everyone's story. None of us kids have heard both sides directly from the source, and probably never will. It makes me sad, especially for my dad. I know life will go on. I tried to reach out, and if they don't want to talk about these issues like adults, then I have nothing else to say.

Hello, Sorry this is long!
I am a tenant in the UK, 2 years into a 3 year AST. The property has been in a state of disrepair since the day I moved in. The refurb was not completed ahead of my moving day and I only found out on actual moving day, I had already signed tenancy agreement and paid rent and deposit, so I went ahead. In the first 3-4m of tenancy I had work men in my house almost every day, they replaced every window and door (5 bed house), amongst many other things.
I wfh and it had an unbearable impact on my life. I’m neurodivergent, I don’t cope well with change and interruptions to my routine anyway. I tried my best to work around trades people, booking my meetings for when they wouldn’t be there, but often they showed up at different times or not at all, meaning I’d blocked off a day of meetings to accommodate them, only to have to do it again another day or be interrupted when I thought they showed up at times that weren’t agreed.
It went on and on. Then 10m later my landlord sacked the letting agent and enlisted another, they seemed much more responsive and on the ball and I was hoping things would get better. There were still a ton of repairs outstanding, many that were apparent from day 1 of tenancy. Anyway, same issues, work men not showing up when they were meant to, me blocking out whole work days to accommodate works that never happened. By now I was so disregulated and overwhelmed by the constant interruptions I was struggling to work even when there weren’t visitors and so I sent a polite email to the letting agent telling them I could not accommodate any further appointments for the time being as it was affecting my ability to earn and causing me undue stress. They pressured me, as some of the appointments were for essential checks, electrical safety etc, but the electrician had failed to show twice, costing me two days of work and eventually I was forced to explain to my letting agent that I am neurodivergent and the impact it was having on me. They went silent after that. I eventually allowed the essential safety appointments a few weeks later when I was calmer.
The landlord is now wanting me to move out so he can move back in. There is no break clause in my contract, I was offered a sum of money to leave. Letting agent was not happy and told me directly they were annoyed to have inherited a “problem property” and that it wasn’t in their interest for me to leave as they’d lose a years worth of revenue, so they were begrudgingly being the middle man in these negotiations. I won’t go into all the details, as it’s not relevant to my question, except to say letting agent made me feel pretty bad.
I’ve tried desperately to find another property as landlords offer was substantial and this house has been nothing but a nightmare. A deadline was set (20 weeks to find somewhere), but my father got ill suddenly, I became his carer during that time and he died only 12 weeks later. Financially and mentally it was hard on me. There was a provision in the surrender agreement for rent arrears to be deducted from the surrender payment, so I sought permission directly from landlord to have last 2m rent taken from the surrender payment, this would also be more tax efficient for me. Landlord said yes and I went ahead and spent rent money on my fathers funeral instead, with a promise to landlord that if I hadn’t found a property 2 weeks before deadline I’d pay rent arrears in full. I withdrew money from a savings account that requires 8 weeks notice for withdrawal, to cover this if I didn’t move.
Barely a month later the letting agent claims my rent arrears was not agreed and have started sending me arrear notices. Then when I found a property to move to, the letting agent stated they would have to declare my rent arrears in any references. The landlord I hoped to rent a new place from informed me that the letting agent told them i am difficult, manic in communication, in rent arrears and didn’t allow access for essential repairs.
I don’t like speaking on the phone, so I use email instead and have a record of all my communications with letting agent and landlord. My neurotypical friends have read everything and said I’m polite and professional, if a bit wordy in parts, but never rude. I feel like letting agent has stitched me up so they can get their extra 12m commission and also discriminated against my disability by describing me as they did, they didn’t offer any context for my refusal to allow access for repairs and describing me as a manic communicator is pretty upsetting. The same agent also refused to consider me for any of their other rentals, even though I offered to pay 12m rent in advance. They said no one will consider me as I don’t meet the criteria for landlords rental insurance, because of the rent arrears.
I am now learning they should also have provided me with additional support for rental arrears. I feel very aggrieved, I’ve never not paid my rent until now and only did so because I had landlord permission (he also denying it it now even though it’s in email). If landlord had said no I’d have paid my rent and delayed payment of father’s funeral instead. I don’t know how I will ever be able to find somewhere else with rent arrears on my record and such derogatory references from agent. I reached out to landlord asking if he would give me a reference instead (as he needs me to leave), but he said no too.
Do I have any legal recourse? I’m devastated this has happened. Repairs still not done either and I’m scared to keep mentioning it as they already labelled me a manic communicator.

Context: My parents are both emotionally immature, my mom is what you would call an almond mom, she has a lot of self image issues and ED that she doesn’t recognize and believes a women’s worth is based on how thin she is. My dad has anger issues and is just always mad about everything. I’m 20F, I’m a med student and I moved away to college, this is my 2nd year and during during my first year of uni I gained 10kg (20lbs) because I started on anxiety meds. I was really skinny before this because my anxiety would make me loose my apetite, so when I got my anxiety under control I started to eat more and gained weight. Mind you I was still in a healthy weight. This was hell for my mom, to not have skinny daughter. She called me fat every single day, every conversation we had was about my weight and my appearance, she called me really ugly names and used to say she was embarrassed of me, my dad would also do all of this but he’s overweight. So they started to send me much less money so I wouldn’t eat. I decided to go to the gym and started eating healthy, went on nutri appointments, overall started loosing weight, got an eating disorder, and when they saw this they were so happy and started to send me so much more money as a way of positive reinforcement. The problem was it was never enough, there was always this celulite that’s still here, or the fact that you’re still wearing an “M” skirt, or the vegetables I was eating had to much “sugar”. So I told my mom it’s enough, you’re never satisfied, the only thing you talk about is my weight and what I eat. She hang up on me, sent me a paragraph saying I was a spoiled brat, ungrateful for everything she does for me, she’s sick of me and that I should quit uni and get a job to see how difficult it is (she always threatens taking my degree away). So they came to visit with no notice the next day and we got into this whole fight where I was saying “when I gained weight you called me this and this and it really hurt me”, to which she responded “I never said that, you’re a liar and manipulative person who twists the truth to make me look bad” and so I said “but you also called me fat every single day”, to which she shouted “BECAUSE YOU WERE FAT AND ALSO IM YOUR MOM SO I GET TO CALL YOU WHATEVER I WANT, AND IT WORKED BECAUSE YOU ARE LOOSING WEIGHT”, I swore on my life that she really did say those things and she said I would get cancer from swearing on fake things. She also said that I only remember the bad things she did for me, never the good ones like “working all her life to give me everything” mind you my parents are loaded, they wear 1000$ outfits and I never ask for anything but they still complain about having to give me money to literally survive at uni. btw my uni is like 90$/month. So yeah, the whole conversation about me being ungrateful because they put food on the table so I should have nothing to complain about. After that we got into my childhood and how I had to be independent because I couldn’t rely on them for anything because they’re so emotionally unavailable and my mom hit me with “you’re grandfather was there for you, but you didn’t even care when he died because you’re heartless”. At that point I got up and left the dinner table and went crying to my room. I didn’t cry at my grandpas funeral because I was still in shock and I had to be there to hold my grandma and my dad from holding onto the casket and throwing themselves into the hole. So yeah pretty traumatic, I couldn’t even process the loss. The next day I took them to the airport and my mom usually calls everyday but she hasn’t called in like a week so idk what to do.

There is no sex in this episode, and it is more of a filler episode as to what is to be seen. Next week's episode is definitely going to be worth the wait! All characters are 18+
There was no way for me to take my mind off what Alexa and I had talked about before I went and slept with Luca. Sure, in the moment, it was enough to fog my thoughts and fill them with lustful desire, but it didn’t erase the fact that I was going to be dad, and somehow, I had to tell Luca and Travis. We are not all exclusive to one another, but I hope they will say to me if we are in the same shoes. I’m going to be telling them tonight.
I didn’t know how to go about it. Hey, so you know how I was straight before, like a month ago? Yeah? My ex-girlfriend just told me I’m going to be a dad, I thought to myself, but it sounded stupid in my head, and more than likely would sound stupid aloud.
“They’re going to kill me,” I sighed, tossing on my shirt and slumped down on my bed.
“Who’s going to kill you?” my roommate asked. I had forgotten that he was here; he never really said anything. “Your boyfriends?”
“They are not my boyfriends,” I scoffed. “But yes, Luca and Travis.”
“For what?”
“My ex is pregnant and is claiming I’m her baby daddy,” I exclaimed.
“They are so going to kill you,” he laughed at me. “Those boys are like lowkey obsessed with you, you must fuck them real good if they keep coming back.”
My face reddened at his comment, and I didn’t want to admit the truth, so I just went with it. “Not helpful, and I know,” a slight smirk spread across my cheeks. “I just have to sit them down and tell them it doesn’t change anything, I don’t even know if I’m the father, it has been nearly a month since I last slept with Alexa, and the idea now seems even grosser than it was in those moments before Luca and Travis.
“I’ll start planning your funeral,” he said, giving me side-eye and pulling out his notebook. So, who do you want to speak about? Travis and Luca are clearly off the board now.”
“Bro, just stop,” I huffed. “They’re just going to need to understand.” For a long time I was that straight boy, the one that craved the touch of women, to feel their delicate skin, and no inclination of doing anything with my butt. Alexa is the one that changed me, which I think is for the better, but it was her fault; she was the one that left, and she was the one that did this to me. “Any tips?”
“Just rip it off like a bandaid, and then offer them your cock,” he shrugged. “Bro, you must be so lucky; I’d kill to have two chicks go down on me.” I wanted to laugh and tell him the truth because he was stereotyping my position based on the fact that I’m a jock and Luca and Travis are nerds. But I also didn’t want to make it weird. I know he would have if he had known that I was the one getting filled by both of them regularly.
“It’s nice to be able to get some whenever I want, and threesomes are easy to arrange,” I chuckled. “Well, when you’re not here.”
“Fuck, bro my room sees more action than I do,” he groaned. “If they care about you, it won’t matter, man, but I do recommend getting a paternity test done as soon as you can.”
“I was thinking about that,” I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “Do you think I might not be the dad?”
“Dude, you’ve been fucking with Luca and Travis for what? Like a month now? And she left you high and dry like six weeks ago. Don’t you think it’s possible she was screwing with someone else?” He spelled out for me his doubts and created even more doubts within me. Alexa wouldn’t do that . . . I also told her not to touch my butt. . . and she did it anyways . . . maybe to expose me to anal bliss . . . to justify her leaving me for her side piece, I wondered, did she even have a side piece? None of it made sense to me. “If I were you, I’d be demanding that paternity test and bounce when you find out it’s not yours. Don’t let that bitch ruin what you have.”
“How did you become so wise, Camden?” I asked, feeling as if some weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
“To be honest, I’ve been jealous of you with those boys. They remind me of the boy I was once more than just friends with,” Camden divulged, “my father is also a lawyer–”
“Wait, a damn minute,” I interjected. “You’ve had a boyfriend before, I thought you said you were not into that gay shit.”
“Maybe I was just trying to hide it; I haven’t thought about him in a long time. Two summers ago, I started to secretly see my best friend's younger brother after he got outed by my best friend,” Camden told me. “High school romance is not bound to last. College is where you make those friendships that never end.”
“It sounds like you have a wonderful best friend,” I laughed. “Are they just not compatible? Or too complicated?”
“Dating your parent's best friend's son is always complicated, especially when you spend nearly every summer together,” Camden chuckled. “It was just too complicated, and we ended things before anyone found out.”
“Dude, I want to know more. But I really need–”
“To go tell that bitch, you want a paternity test, and tell Luca and Travis you might be a Dad in nine months?” he furrowed his brow. “Text them, text them now.”
Nathan: Alexa, I've been thinking, and I want a paternity test.
Alexa: Wow didn't sleep with anyone besides you, you're the slut, but whatever.
Group Chat Travis 🎮🍆 & Luca 📓🍆
Nathan: Guys, we need to talk ASAP, in person.
Luca: I didn't have Travis's #, everything good Nate?
Travis: He probably wants some dick, Luca gonna get mine too, I wanna run a train.
Luca: I'm not a bottom Trav, you won't fit . . .
Nathan: I mean, I'm down, but we need to talk first.
“Do you mind giving me the room for a bit, they’re on their way over,” I told him, “and Alexa is being a cunt about it, but said fine.”
“Dude, I just admitted so much shit to you, it’s the least I could do,” Camden smiled. “Unless you wouldn’t be opposed to sharing those boys with me.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

TLDR: I finally get a chance with a girl, and now my roommates’ cleanliness habits have brought roaches. Unsure what to say to the girl.
I (24F) had a really terrible year. A parent passed away, another parent relapsed into drug use, I lost a lot of money paying for the funeral and also during this time my old roommate stopped paying the bills so I had to pay double. The lease ended and I was broke and with no family to turn to.
A couple months ago I moved in with a friend who lives in an old house owned by her family. Rent is only like $300, which allows me to work on building my savings again. It’s an old and janky house. My roommates aren’t very clean, I’m a clean freak. I spend an hour or more every night cleaning dirty dishes, floors, food from counters,etc. I won’t go to sleep knowing the house is filthy. I told my roommates to please clean up after themselves so we don’t get bugs.
Also, I’ve always been too nervous to talk to girls. Well, recently, a gorgeous girl agreed to go on a date with me!!! I almost passed away. She’s lovely, we get along super well and we’ve been on a few dates now.
I’m supposed to have her over for a movie night this weekend, I was so excited!!
Until yesterday. We found 2 roaches. I don’t think it’s major yet, but we definitely have them. We have an exterminator coming this Friday. My roommates have finally agreed to clean up after themselves (wow.. thanks guys).
I don’t want the girl I’m seeing over at my place until the bugs are gone, I read that can take a month or more. My room is spotless and I don’t think has bugs, but I would be too nervous having her over anyway. We can’t go to her place because she isn’t out with her family. We’ve only been on a few dates so I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with her yet, but I really like her and I don’t want to ruin things. I’m not sure exactly what to do or say. I’m saving up to move into my own place, but it will at least be a few months before I can.
Any advice?

This all happened last summer shortly after my paternal grandmother died, and I’ve just managed to get everything in order for the judgement of internet strangers. I did my best to provide context were I could.
TL;DR: We found out we have a half sister after our grandmother died and after we were done dealing with a variety of family issues. The Half-sister contacted us against the wishes of our dad and late grandmother. Due to a variety of reasons, we made the family decision to have nothing to do with her.
So for context:
My dad emigrated from Mexico to California with his family to look for work. He and my mom were childhood sweethearts but they were not together when he left Mexico for California. This is confirmed by my parents and my uncles.
While in California, my dad met this woman and they messed around a little bit. He says it wasn’t that serious of a relationship. He was young, got drunk often and she was young and pretty. I believe my dad was in his early twenties as was this girl if my math is right. This girl was also a known flirt and slept around a lot. Naturally, she gets pregnant and claims its my dad’s. He doesn’t believe her despite her insisting its his baby so he dips.
(Based on the info from my dad, and what my sister could gather, my dad was the only one with a stable job so we think she was trying to baby trap him. I’m not trying to make excuses, my dad isnt perfect but he’s honest and loves my mom).
My dad’s family, especially his sister, did NOT like this lady at all due to the aforementioned sleeping around so she helps him get to texas. My mom had just emigrated as well and my dad wanted to be with my mom. So he leaves this girl. Baby Momma threatened with child support, or that she would abort the baby if he left which pissed my dad off. When you’re mexican and catholic, threatening an abortion is a no no. So he leaves her, meets back up with my mom, married her, and I come along. We hear nothing of them for a while and its not like the lady couldnt track him down.
Flashforward to a few years. My mom gets a call from BM’s brother where he yells at her and my dad calling him a piece of shit for leaving BM and the baby. My dad ended up taking the phone and said again, the baby isnt his, and that he wants nothing to do with them and to never contact his family again. My mom was then aware of the other girl and she was mad, but again, they weren’t together and my dad was young drunk and stupid. So they push it down, ignore it, move on and forget.
Then my grandmother died. She knew about the other girl and she believes that it is my dad’s. My grandma would travel between our house and my uncles in california where she would meet with the other girl. Everyone on my dad’s side does think she’s his daughter.
Added context that is important.
For my mom, and only my mom, my dad stopped drinking and was sober for almost 23 years. However, in 2020, being surrounded by other alcoholics and being away for days for a job, he started drinking again. My dad helps build houses and would sometimes go all the way to oklahoma Or lousiana for a job. No he didn’t cheat. His coworkers actually teased him because he called my mom so often just to talk to her. I need y’all to understand that my dad loves my mom. He would move mountains for her. He’s not a perfect person, but he was a good dad and husband. Never hit us. Never raised his voice. We destroyed his model car collection that included some expensive pieces as kids. He didn’t ell he saw we were happy and tried to hide the survivors better. He gave my mom everything.
When she found out, they fought so badly it tore them apart. My dad is also stubborn to a fault and believed he could manage it. In the end, it got bad wnough my mom let me. Have a go at him because he was not listening or doing anything. He was also stressed as my sister was in bootcamp and I was getting married. So i think drinking was just easier for him.
I tore into him that day. I cornered him and confronted him for refusing help even though we offered. I told him how much it was hurting mom and when he refused to listen, I threatened to kick him out of my wedding if he didn’t do something about his drinking. He finally did especially after we think all their bad energy attracted an evil entity. I can elaborate if asked but its not relevant. Quit cold turkey again and he and my mom talked about how they would move forward. They began going to church a lot more often, all is good. My dad is doing better emotionally and is trying to make up with my mom. We have a conversation with my mom about being more patien and communicating more.
In all of this, my mom was dealing with liver issues and the stress of all of this was not helping.
Back to the story.
My grandmother died in march of 2023. I meet my cousins through video chat bc they were in Mexico. They video the service and funeral most of which we paid for. My dad bought a beautiful coffin for her, paid for roses and the gravestone. We paid for mariachi because my grandma always wanted mariachi for her funeral. We mourn, we move on.
My halfsister contacts my dad first to try and talk to him. My dad tells her again to leave us be that we want nothing to do with her. My dad’s number is public because thats how he gets jobs. So thats how she contacted him.
So she contacts us.
No one told us about her. She knew about us because my grandma would tell her about us. But we didn’t know about her. Everyone left it up to my dad to lake that decision and he never did.
My sister and I are both contacted by this girl through facebook. The profile is new and I’d almost gotten scammed once so we’re suspicious. We play along, ask for ID, video, proof. Everything. She provides it all. BC we thought she was a scammer, we weren’t exactly nice. So we’re thinking there might be some truth. We call my dad, he denies it. Call my mom, he denies it. I have my sister call him for me again because she’s better about getting things out of him. I call an uncle that Half Sister says knows about her.
Finally, they tell us everything that y’all just read. My sister and I are reeling, but we don’t tell the other three siblings. My mom is upset wanting to know why this girl is bothering us and that she doesn’t want her bothering us. She and my dad fight and my sister and I head to them (we’d moved out). We talk to our siblings separately.
My sister and I decide we don’t want anything to do with her. She is a stranger to us, and our parents are in a good place right now. They deserve peace. Not to mention, she went against the wishes of our grandma and my mom was still dealing with her liver issues. They could not. Handle another big issue right now.
So we gather everyone. Tell my parents that my sister and I want to tell our siblings together as a family and make a decision as a family. We preemptively talked to our siblings and agreed we wanted nothing to do with her.
I would rather not get into too many details. My mom spiraled. We both have anxiety but only one of us (me) sought a therapist. She was convinced my dad would leave her and that we would hate her or turn against her. (She is not a narcissist. She has anxiety shes finally learning to manage it). I removed my mom and brought her outside to breathe while my sister talked with my dad. Both me and my dad struggle to voice what we want to say and so it was becoming a bad cycle with my mom not being fair to him. My sister helps my dad word what he wants to say. But my sister and I get a handle on the situation. When we planned this, we knew we wanted to make sure mom was good. Dad already made his opinion in the matter clear. We just also knew our mom.
My dad reaffirms that he loves my mom, and us and doesn’t want to leave her. He also tells us that its our decision if we want to talk to this girl. My siblings and us all agree that we don’t want anything to do with her. We spend some time talking, winding down, go to ihop and head home.
Where I feel bad for her:
She wanted to meet us and get to know us. My parents had five of us and we are all very close while she was an only child. So I understand where she's coming from and I have a lot of sympathy from her. She knew parts of our extended family and whatever my grandmother told her about us. You see videos online of adoptees or people who were seperated from their parents who want to reconnect with their families and they are hailed for it. Even a scroll through the comment section people praise them for the attempt and villify the family if they reject them. And I understand why she wants to meet us. We're her siblings, but I can't bring myself to.
My parents just got done dealing with my dad's relapse into drinking. My mom had forgiven him and were trying to move past it. My mom could not handle any more stress due to her liver (or maybe it was her kidneys. The doctors said she needed to watch out for her blood pressure). My sister and I knew that this would be an issue and we did our best to deal with it and act as family counselors. My parents aren't perfect, but they're good parents and raised us well and I know they love each other. They recently had a proper wedding ceremony after twenty six years. Our siblings and I are starting to finally give back to them (taking them out to eat, giving them nice gifts, replacing the model cars we destroyed years ago). We would do just about anything to make them happy.
In my eyes, our half sister (if she is blood related) went against my grandmother's wishes and only contacted us AFTER my grandmother had been dead for a few months. And then, after my dad told her not to bother us, she contacted my sister and I. I loved my grandmother. We were devastated when she died so right as we're starting to recover from that, we get with this and it pissed me off.
I understand she wants to get to know us, but I don't want anything to do with her and my siblings (even after talking with them) agreed. We don't know her. We are happy where we are right now and don't want anything that is going to ruin that. She is a stranger that is going to upend the peace that we finally have. And now, a year later, she is all but forgotten to us because to us, she really isn't anything. And its not like she's not doing well for herself. She's works as a nurse and is living her life.
So Reddit, am I the asshole (or are we the assholes) for wanting nothing to do with our half-sister who we never met and didn't know existed?

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Firstly I came to South Africa in primary school and I have been here ever since, just had a couple of visits to Nigeria for a funeral and that was it. But I feel I understand both sides since my family are Nigerian but I have many South African friends.
South Africans don't like Nigerians because they say that Nigerians sell drugs to their citizens, well since I want to be unbiased in this post I will tell you that it is true, a large percentage of Nigerians in South Africa sell drugs but they are the only groups doing it, but they are the most common. This is one aspect that Nigerians in Nigeria cannot relate to because the average Nigerian in Nigeria does not sell drugs, but in South Africa it is so common for uneducated Nigerians to sell drugs. Also Nigerians in South Africa are generally not educated and they have to resort to other ways of making money, something which I blame the South African environment for due to lack of jobs, but when Nigerians arrive in South Africa, they usually come searching for what to do only to find that there are no jobs for unskilled people which leads them to crime. South Africans do not want to accommodate this especially since it is recurring. I am very lucky to be educated in South Africa at university level and I don't need to resort to street life too much as I have other legal ways of making money.
The issue is that when Nigerians arrive in South Africa, they are here to make money as their family back home probably needs financial assistance so they look for any way of making money and since the SA environment doesn't have many decent paying jobs for unskilled workers, they resort to crime. I must be honest and say that it is a very frequent occurrence like 7/10 of Nigerians here are involved in one crime or the other.
How do we fix this issue? I as a Nigerian, I definitely don't blame South Africans for their stance, Nigerians in Nigeria cannot relate as they are not here but what they say is true generally about Nigerians being involved in crime. Also a large percentage of them came using visitor's visas and then overstayed. They bribe corrupt home affairs officials for visas to travel back home when they make enough money, the entire cycle is a planned out process. Also Nigerians DO make way more money than the average South African and I blame this on their environment back home in nigeria that trained them differently, essentiaally they have a different mindset compared to the locals, a very intense hustle mindset. I know if they had the opportunity to apply this in a more legal way they would and some of them when they make money the open legitimate businesses with the money. Also south Africans don't have this hustle mindset and they rely on jobs for money, everything is paid off in installments.
I want to hear your thoughts on this

TW: Domestic violence, ideation, SA
These past couple months of my life have been transformation, but exhausting. I recently lost my grandfather to a terminal illness, the man who supported me in countless ways and really brought our family together when he first got sick. His death was crippling for the first couple weeks, but I have since been able to see that his suffering coming to an end is worth more than the rest of us having him still with us on earth. His passing put a lot of things in perspective, including my deep rooted unhappiness in my long term relationship and my unhealthy relationship with substances. Throughout this time, I lost a number of friends to the breakup, many of which led with the whole "bros before hoes" mentality, so much so that not a single one of them reach out when my grandfather did eventually die, and I had never felt so alone. In the mean time, I was able to grow very close with a group of coworkers my age, all in their twenties. On nights where all I wanted to do was get drunk and ignore my problems, they would drive me out to the dam and sit and listen to me sob about how I felt like I wasted the last couple months of my grandfather's life getting drunk with people who threw me away when I didn't want to party any more, all in the name of distracting myself from his inevitable death. They stepped up to the plate when I broke up with my ex and he lost his mind thinking I was a horrible person for not wanting him to come to my grandfather's funeral and just wanting to be alone instead of in a relationship where I was doing so much heavy lifting for little payout. I also had to come to terms with the fact that my ex and I only ever had sex when we were drunk because I really didn't enjoy it, but there was one time where he blacked out and didn't even remember us sleeping together. During that encounter, I had begged him to stop, but he couldn't hear me I guess, and he kept going until he finished and I just laid there and cried while he passed out next to me. I now know that was rape, but in the moment I felt like I did something wrong. That period of my life was so fucking hard, but I made it with the help of some awesome people and newfound sobriety.
Among the group of coworkers was Jack (25m). I will admit, I got butterflies the moment he walked into work that first time, but I never planned on acting on it; it was just a surprising thing that had never happened to me before. He and I started a friendship when he opened up about being new to the area, his desire to move up the ladder in the industry we both work in, and told me all about his dog who he loved so much. His girlfriend at the time, Alyssa (26f) had gotten a job here and they moved three hours north for her job, and he figured he might as well start working at a serious job in his dream industry. Our friendship grew when he commented to my good friend Tony (23m) and I about the growing resentment he had for the area and his girlfriend. Apparently, for years she had always been very dependent on him while still controlling most aspects of his life, but since they moved up here, she had stopped doing any house work, taking care of their dog, and demanding that he stay home to spend time with her instead of going out to meet new people in town (we work in a very social industry, and when he first started, we all got together and offered to take him out to see new things in town, meet other big people in the industry, etc, but didn't take it personally when he said no. However, this convo made it very clear that he wanted to go those four times we tried, but he was informed by Alyssa that he was a selfish bastard for wanting to go out without her and she felt like he hated her so much that he was trying to use work as an excuse to leave her alone. I can't make this up). He started crying about how he felt like a maid, like a doormat that she walked all over and how he wished he had never moved up here, how every time he tried to break up with her she threatened to kill herself and he couldn't live with the thought of being responsible for her death. Tony let Jack know that none of that behavior was okay, and we as a group talked about what Jack really wanted to do with his life and what was holding him back. Shortly after, Jack broke up with Alyssa, who once again threatened to kill herself, got violent with him, and blamed him for throwing in the towel when she did nothing wrong. Tony gave Jack a room in apartment to stay in when it became clear that Alyssa would attack Jack anytime he was home, and he officially moved out within the week. Our coworkers all banded together to make sure he had furniture for his new room, bought him a dresser and a bed frame and we each took our cars over to his old place to move him out. It took a village, but he now has a safe apartment of his own with Tony and he has repeatedly thanked us all for letting him fall apart without judgement. A few months later, my grandfather passed and I was shown the same love by our little group. I have some amazing coworkers.
I was sitting next to Jack in the back of Tony's truck when I got the call my grandfather died. In that moment, it became clear that he really did care about me, and I am so grateful that he was there for me even when I swore I didn't need anyone. This all happened shortly after my breakup and newfound sobriety, so I was an absolute mess, but Jack didn't care. I opened up to him about my assault, my problem with drinking, and all the ugly parts of myself and he never once treated me like damaged goods. He and I fell apart and helped each other try to stitch together new lives at the expense of our old ones. I constantly am reminded by friends and family how much happier I am now, and I can give a lot of that credit to Jack and his patience and care. The same can be said for Jack, too. He and I hooked up one night months after I was single and felt slightly more in control of my emotions, and after doing that a couple more times, we started dating five months ago.
Now here comes the kicker. Jack has made some shitty choices in the past that I did not know about until we got together. Apparently, he had cheated on one of his exes at college, and when he and Alyssa first got together, he had been sleeping with two other girls who he cut things off with pretty suddenly when he got the chance to sleep with Alyssa, then they started dating a few weeks later. There are a number of girls that he kinda fucked over before the age of twenty, but he doesn't talk to any of them anymore and knows that he was in the wrong for all of them. Growth, I hope. I found out that he was still somewhat connected to one of them, and when I told him how worrisome that made me, he immediately apologized for not realizing earlier how that would make me uncomfortable and quickly (per his own volition) let her know that he did not want to continue talking because he felt it was clear she only really wanted to sleep with him and she had very little respect for his monogamous relationships. She flipped shit and he was glad that he was able to cut ties because apparently that wasn't the first time she tried to guilt trip him into staying in touch with her. But mostly, Alyssa has become a fairly constant fixture in our relationship. Because they had a dog together, Jack has to ask Alyssa when he can go over there to see the dog. She only does it on her terms, which is understandable, but she will constantly blame him for not taking care of the dog (Tony has two cats, and while Tony wants Jack to take the dog to their apartment, he doesn't think the cats would feel safe and they are already very skittish). She texts him biweekly saying that she found something of his, like a box of ties, a thing of utensils, etc, and demands he come get them and walk the dog asap. More than once, she has called him early in the morning asking him to come over because something is wrong with the dog, but most recently she called at 7 am saying "You need to get over here now, something is wrong with the dog. This shouldn't all be my problem and you should be the one taking care of this." He tries to get more info but she refused and said it shouldn't matter, he should just drop everything and take her to the vet and stop asking questions. He asked her to wait a few hours and if she still needed help he would come. Turns out, she clipped the dog's nail too short and the dog was bleeding a little, and that's what the phone call was for. But most alarming, Alyssa texted Jack repeatedly when we were on a lunch date saying that he needed to come take the dog because she was going to the mental hospital for suicidal ideation. Understandably so, we get the bill and Jack loses his mind in the car. He was terrified. She never did go, and when Jack reached out to her mom, she said Alyssa was fine and had no idea what he was talking about. She texts him randomly telling him he better come spend time with the dog because she's thinking of moving south again, three hours away, and will basically text him threatening stuff all the time all with the guise of him seeing the dog. I know this is all something I signed up for, but between the crazy shit with Alyssa and his cheating in the past, I don't know how I got myself involved in something so messy. Yes, he was being abused and now he is so grateful for the love I give him, but I still feel somewhat insecure based off how much say Alyssa has on his mood. He doesn't fold for anyone like he does for her, and while she or us will move out of state within the next year, I guess I mostly need to know what people recommend in terms of me feeling more secure in myself. This is a bug weight on my shoulders and while I do love him and am happy he his around, I need to prioritize myself above all else. Please help.
TL;DR: My boyfriend (25m) and I (21f) have been through a lot. His ex girlfriend is very manipulative and I want to make sure I am taking care of myself to be the best version of myself after having a very transformative year (newfound sobriety, death of my grandfather, loss of many friends, and grief over a past relationship). I don't doubt that he loves me, I just want to look out for myself and make sure I am making healthy choices while we navigate a very heavy period of our lives together. Thanks in advance.

As many of you may have read, there is a case of two missing adopted kids in North Carolina, where remains have been found. The news has reported that their adoptive “mother” is Avantae Deven.
I’m a curious person and started digging up information on Avantae Deven when I first read the story in my news feed and could not believe what I was reading. It seemed like whomever this woman is must have be using an alias; Avantae Deven is not a name like Kim Jones or Mackenzie Smith.
The more I dug, the weirder it seemed to get. I found a property deed to a place in Sedona, Arizona, and figured out that whomever this Avantae person is, she at one point in time had owned a home together with someone named Nicole Adams. So I dug into who Nicole Adams was, and learned that she was the widow of a spiritual leader named Robert Adams. It appeared to me that there would be no way to identify who Avantae really was, unless I could also identify the true identity of Robert Adams.
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I've done investigative work for many years, including skip tracing. I can conclusively state that there was absolutely no person actually named Robert Adams born in New York State on January 21, 1928. This is demonstrated by the New York Birth Index. I have combed the census records for 1930, 1940, and 1950, and cross-checked them against multiple databases, and am confident that nobody with the birth name of Robert Adams was born anywhere in the United States on January 21, 1928.
Moreover, there was absolutely no person with the true name of Robert Adams who died anywhere at all in the United States, let alone Sedona, Arizona, on March 2, 1997. This is demonstrated by the Social Security Death Index.
I began this research largely by performing exhaustive searches on the known addresses that are associated with Robert, his wife Leonie (who used to use the alias Nicole), and Avantae Deven (who turns out to be their daughter Michelle who began using the alias Avantae in the mid-1990’s or so). Most of the addresses are PO boxes. Those that are PO boxes are all *private* PO boxes, not PO boxes that one can rent from the United States Postal Service. To me, that spoke volumes. The family were clearly using aliases.
As I explain further below, I eventually determined that “Robert Adams” was Robert Spiegel, born 21 January 1932 in New York. “Nicole Adams” was actually Aileen Beverly Leonie Maxwell, born February 2, 1929, in Jamaica. “Avantae Deven” is actually their daughter, Michelle K. Spiegel, born on October 1, 1960, in California.
One of Robert’s many false stories about Robert’s life that my research has refuted is Robert’s claim that his mother was Jewish and his father was Catholic. That was a lie. Both of his parents were Jewish. It’s also interesting that he claimed that he was “raised Catholic.” There is absolutely nothing to suggest that. His mother always, in New York, lived in Jewish neighborhoods. Moreover, as will be discussed below, his parents had a Jewish wedding. It’s also downright absurd that he would tell people that he was “half Jewish.” If your mother’s Jewish, you are Jewish, pure and simple. Even if Robert’s father had truly been Catholic (which he wasn’t; his name was Samuel Spiegel and he immigrated to America in 1907, lived with his Jewish, Yiddish-speaking cousins, and spoke Yiddish himself), Robert would have been Jewish because the status of being a Jew comes from the mother. Robert’s mother’s name was Fannie (nee Fleisfeder) Spiegel. Fannie’s parents were Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Libke (nee Rifkin) Fleisfeder. Esther’s parents were Mendel Rifkin and Sarah whose maiden name is lost to time and the disappearance of the shtetls. Robert’s claim to having had a Catholic father was utterly false, but is part and parcel of his ongoing compulsive daily lying about anything and everything.
Here is the story.
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Kolomyia, formerly known as Kolomea, is a city currently located in the Western Ukraine.
On January 21, 1892 (the same year that Kolomea tallis¹ workers went on strike for better pay and working conditions), Kolomea resident Rachel Katz, wife of Abraham Spiegel, gave birth to a son, who was given the name Schmuel.
On the date that Schmuel Spiegel entered the world, Kolomea was ruled by the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy, and almost half of the city’s residents were Jewish.
In June of 1907, fifteen-year-old Schmuel² boarded the Zeeland, which sailed from Antwerp, Belgium, arriving at New York Harbor on June 18, 1907. The ship’s manifest states that Schmuel’s father had paid for his transport, and that Schmuel intended to reside with his father, Abe, in Brooklyn. Schmuel was granted entrance, and took up residence with his cousin Charles Fetner, who resided at 353 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, in Apartment A with his wife Jennie and their baby daughter Ettie. The sparse record that exists suggests that although Schmuel’s father was, indeed, named Abraham, Abraham lived and died in Europe, without immigrating to America.
The 1910 census describes Samuel’s cousin Charles as a carpenter, who had been married to housewife Jennie for six years, and a father of three children-- Ettie age four, Nathan age two, and baby Jacob, who was not even a year old. Eighteen-year-old Samuel was identified by profession as a “Foreman Sailmaker” in an industry described as “pocket-books.”
Three and a half years after being granted admission, on a bitterly cold winter day, January 4, 1911, Schmuel (now employed as a pocket-book maker, and having Anglicized his name to Samuel) signed and submitted his declaration to become a United States citizen. He stated, in that declaration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
By 1915, Samuel had left his cousin’s abode and was residing as a lodger in the home of a widow named Rose Hammer, who lived with her two adolescent sons, Meyer and Louis, at 531 E. 5^th Avenue; Samuel was now working as a “driver.”
Two years after the 1915 state census was taken, Samuel had moved back to Myrtle Avenue, but this time at building no. 849. On June 15, 2017, Samuel registered for the draft, and described himself as being a pocketbook maker, working for “A. Shoenfeld,” at 101 Crosby Street, New York. He was single. He stated, in his draft registration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
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A woman named Fruma Fleisfeder was born in Beltz, Bessarabia, sometime between July 1, 1893, and 1901, to Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Lieba Rifkin. Fruma (not living up to her pious given name) provided different dates and years of birth to different authorities on different occasions, making it impossible at this point in time to know her true position in the birth order of her family. Regardless, Fruma, who began using the name Fanny upon her entrance to the United States, did have three brothers and a sister who also came to America-- Louis Fleisfeder who was born April 10, 1890, Max Irving Fleisfeder who used October 10, 1892 as his birthdate, Hersch (later known as Harry), whose official birthdate was December 15, 1901, and Sylvia who was born in approximately 1906.
On December 1, 1919, Fruma arrived in New York Harbor on the ship La Touraine, declaring her intention, at entry, to become a United States Citizen. The ship’s manifest describes her as five feet five inches tall, with fair hair, blue eyes, and a fair complexion. The ship’s manifest states that she was, at that time, age 24. If that were correct, she would have been born in 1895.
Fruma (then going by Fanny) took up residence with her cousin Ethel (nee Ruchlin) and Ethel’s husband Samuel Steinberg, on 15^th Street, Brooklyn. Soon thereafter, Ethel gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Theresa. The 1920 census states that Fanny was Russian, didn’t speak English but, rather, spoke Hebrew, and worked as a milliner in a millinery store. The 1920 census also states that Fanny was age 25, which lines up with her being age 24 in the prior year’s ship manifest.
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Sam and Fanny married in Manhattan on January 24, 1925. Their marriage certificate (signed by each of them) identifies Sam as being age 32 (contradicting, by one year, his immigration records which would have placed him at age 33), and identifies Fanny as age 24, the same age that she had claimed to be six years prior, and also contradicting an immigration petition that she would file two decades in the future, which generally placed her birth year at the mid-point of 1893.
If Fanny’s immigration records (which included a petition with her signature on it) were correct, Fanny would also have been age 32 as of her marriage to Samuel, not age 24.
So did Fanny lie in her marriage certificate? Or did she lie in her immigration petition?
The marriage certificate identifies Sam as having been born in Kolomea, Austria, and his father being Abraham, and his mother being Rachel Katz. It identifies Fanny as having been born in Beltz, Russia, to a father named Isaac, and to a mother named Esther Rifkin.
The marriage certificate does not identify Fanny as having any profession, but identifies Sam as being a pocketbook maker.
Sam and Fannie were married at 125 E. 4^th Street, Manhattan, a six-story apartment building with retail units on the ground floor that is now an expensive co-op, with three-bedroom units selling for over $900,000. Present-day real estate advertisements alternatively state that the building was built in 1894, 1903, and 1905.
The first name of the rabbi who officiated was Harry. His surname starts with Reid, but the remaining letters of his signature are illegible. Rabbi Harry identified his residence as 232 Broome Street, which, at the time, was a four-story mixed use building that, among other things, housed Chevrah Ahavath Zedek Anshei Jaskinover.
Witnesses to the marriage were Mayer Budmon and Samuel Steinberg.
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Sam and Fanny’s existence was documented next in the 1925 New York State census by census. They were living at 205 S. 2^nd Street. Samuel was still working as a “pocketbook maker.” Fanny was identified as a “housewife.”
Fanny was identified as age 25. This was in accordance with her age as stated on her marriage certificate, but not in accordance with her immigration documents or the 1920 census.
Sam was identified as being age 28, which conflicted with all prior records.
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In 1930, the couple were again enumerated, this time in the Federal census. The enumerator, whose signature appears to be “Max Krahn” (or something like that) stated that he obtained the information on April 16, 1930.
Sam was identified as a “framer” of pocketbooks. He was identified as being 36 years of age, which conflicts by two years with the age that he provided to immigration authorities. Perhaps the enumerator was simply sloppy; Samuel was also incorrectly identified in the 1930 census as having been born in “Poland,” with parents who were both also born in “Poland,” notwithstanding other governmental records having identified him as being Austrian. The language he spoke? “Jewish,” according to the enumerator. Was that to mean Hebrew? Yiddish? Both?
Fannie was identified as age 30 (directly in conflict with the information she supplied in her immigration petition, which bears her signature) and as being “Russian,” with parents born in “Russia.” The 1930 census enumerator incorrectly wrote that her year of immigration was 1921. Fannie, too, was identified by the enumerator as speaking the “Jewish” language.
Although later records reflected that Sam and Fannie had a son named Irving who was born in 1926, Irving was not recorded in the 1930 census. Was he missed by the enumerator? Or was he a later-adopted son?
The couple also had a boarder, identified by the 1930 enumerator as one Esther “Larson,” age 40, born in Russia, and similarly a speaker of the “Jewish” language.
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The New York Birth Index identifies a baby boy, Robert Spiegel, as one of many babies having been born in the city on January 21, 1932.
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On May 21, 1936, Samuel committed suicide by hanging in the family residence, a tenement apartment located at 1168 Union Avenue, in the Bronx. Although, based upon the date of birth that Samuel used for official governmental purposes he was age 44, the death certificate stated that he was age 43.
Fannie engaged the Gordon Funeral Home to prepare him for burial.
Strangely, although Samuel’s headstone accurately identified him in Hebrew as Schmuel Spiegel, son of Avraham, it inexplicably incorrectly stated that he died at age 40.
Fannie of course knew her husband’s real age; both of them signed the marriage certificate that had Samuel’s correct age listed. Furthermore, Samuel had petitioned for citizenship in 1911, and stated that his date of birth was January 18, 1892.
Why would Fannie commission a headstone with a false age? Perhaps she, like her son, was a compulsive liar. Maybe that’s where Robert got it from.
*******
The 1940 census has Fannie (identified as age 38), Robert (identified as age 8), and Fannie’s son/Robert’s brother, Irving Spiegel, age 13, as living with Fannie’s 72-year-old mother, Esther Fleisfeder, at 1537 Fulton Avenue, in the Bronx. Fannie and Esther were identified as widows. Esther was identified as “U” (unable to work), while Fannie was identified as engaged in housework. No source of income for the family was identified.
No explanation is obvious regarding where Irving was living in the census taken a decade previously. Was he adopted?
There is no “Irving Spiegel” listed in the New York Birth Index for either 1926 or 1927. There is an “Irving Spiegal” listed, who was born April 29, 1926. But he is not Irving Spiegel.
I initially thought that perhaps Irving might be one of the unnamed Baby Boy Spiegels born in New York in 1926 or 1927, and that he left the hospital unnamed because his parents were waiting for his bris before naming him. However, Robert left the hospital with the name Robert. Why wait until the bris to name one child, but not the other?
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Slightly less than two years after she was enumerated in the 1940 census, Fannie’s mother Esther died, at home, at 1537 Fulton Avenue. The causes of death were “Coronary Thrombosis, Pulmonary Oedema Nephritis, Hypertension, Arteriosclerosis.” Esther left this world on February 6, 1942, the same day that the W. L. Steed was torpedoed, shelled and sunk less than a hundred nautical miles east of the mouth of Delaware River by a German submarine.
She was buried at Mount Moriah Cemetery in Fairview, New Jersey, the same cemetery where her son-in-law Samuel was interred.
*******
On November 12, 1943, Fannie, now residing at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, in the Bronx, petitioned for citizenship. She claimed, in that document bearing her signature, to be fifty years of age, meaning that if she was telling the truth, she would have been born in approximately 1893.
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On January 19, 1948, Robert (having assumed a false date of birth, that being January 18, 1931), enlisted in the New York National Guard. On paper, he had turned age 17 the day before his enlistment. In reality, he would be turning age 16 two days after his enlistment.
On December 9, 1949, Robert was discharged from the national guard, apparently for having been AWOL.
The discharge document identifies his address as being 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City.
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The 1950 census places Robert again at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City. It correctly identifies him as age 18, and states that he worked as a shipping clerk for a newspaper company.
According to the 1950 census, Robert resided at the Bathgate Avenue address with his mother Fannie, who was purportedly still age 50 (seven years after she had previously claimed to immigration authorities to be age 50), and Robert’s brother Irving, age 24.
Irving was listed as unemployed and moreover, according to the census record, had not worked for the prior year. Fannie was employed full-time as a milliner in a hat factory.
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Military records reflect that Irving J. Spiegel, born in 1926 and a resident of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, who had completed two years of high school education, had flown bomber planes over Germany during the war. In his military documents, Irving described himself as single, with two dependents.
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On February 2, 1929, a baby girl given the name Aileen Beverly Leone Maxwell was born in Lucea, Hanover, Jamaica, to William Maxwell and Daisy (nee Tibbits) Maxwell. Her birth was registered by her parents.
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In 1954, Robert Spiegel and Aileen Maxwell were married in New York City. Their marriage license was given License No. 10284.
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The following year, the Kingston, Jamaica, Gleaner reported on June 6, 1955:
Miss Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell, was married recently in New York City to Mr. Robert Spiegel of the U.S.A. Both the bride and groom are students at the New York Institute of Dietetics. The bride left the island nearly two years ago for New York. Her wedding gown was chantilly lace and nylon tulle. The bodice was fashioned with a wide, scalloped neckline and elbow-length sleeves. Her three tier skirt of chantilly lace was over pleated nylon tulle. Her fingertip-length veil was adorned with pearls.
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If the claim regarding the couple studying at the New York Institute of Dietetics was even true, their studies at this institution didn’t last long. In May of 1956, a number of advertisements bearing Robert’s photograph appeared in the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner. The advertisements described Robert as a psychologist, author, lecturer, and “practitioner in auto suggestion,” and identified him as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.” Readers were invited to come meet Robert on May 21, 1956, at Record Plaza, where he would be autographing his “latest” “world-wide” 33 and 1/3 RPM record, “How to Stop Smoking in 7 days by Auto-Suggestion.”
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On May 1, 1959, three residents of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, Bronx, New York, came through customs, having returned from a trip to Jamaica. They identified themselves as “Robert D. Spiegel” born in New York (in addition to giving himself a false middle initial, Robert neglected to complete the I-94-A fully, specifically by leaving his birthdate blank), “Leonie A. Spiegel” born in Jamaica on February 2, 1929, and their minor daughter, and “Sharon S. Spiegel,” born in New York. Someone also neglected to fully complete Sharon’s I-94-A, specifically by leaving her birthdate blank.
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Leonie had taken Sharon to Jamaica two years earlier. There are no publicly available records pertaining to their outbound transport from the United States to Jamaica. There is, however, a record pertaining to their return to the United States. That publicly available record does not provide their address, but Sharon is identified as weighing 1 stone 5 pounds (a total of 19 pounds), and Leonie is identified as weighing six stone 5 pounds (89 pounds). Interestingly, Leonie used the name “Aileen Spiegel,” and the records assert that Aileen has no middle initial. Aileen was / is her true legal first name, but it is a lie to say that she has no middle initial.
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Almost two years later, on January 5, 1958, the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner reported:
Staying at the Tamarind Hotel are Mr. and Mrs. Bob Spiegel and daughter Sharon of Miami, Florida. Mrs. Spiegel is the former Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell of Lucea and has been in the United States for several years. A welcome party in their honour was given last Saturday night by Messers. Horrace, Ray, and Dennis Maxwell, brothers of Mrs. Spiegel. It was a very enjoyable affair.
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In 1963, roughly five years after their 1958 visit to Jamaica, Leonie petitioned for naturalization, in Louisiana. Although I am in possession of the index showing that she petitioned in 1963, I do not possess the petition itself. However, the fact that she petitioned for naturalization in Louisiana demonstrates that that at least she was residing in Louisiana at the time. Since she stated that she didn’t leave Robert’s side for over 40 years, presumably Robert, young Sharon, and also baby Michelle were living in Louisiana at that time.
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People who knew Robert personally relate that he stated that Leonie was a Cayman Island heiress. She wasn’t. Not only was she not born in the Cayman Islands, Leonie’s father’s estate was litigated (with the judge ruling against her) long before Robert started telling people that his wife was a Cayman Islands heiress.
Leonie’s father did leave an estate, but not to her. On November 9, 1967, the Gleaner reported that the Supreme Court had upheld the will of the late William Josiah Maxwell, the father of Horrace, Ray, Dennis, and Leonie, and the husband of Daisy Maxwell, who had contended that William’s signature was a forgery and that the person to whom his estate had been bequeathed had exercised undue influence. The court disagreed. The article reported:
The estate, which one of the executors described as “a sizeable one,” included 112 acres of land at Paradise and three houses at Lucea, Hanover.
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Robert apparently wasn’t banking on Leonie’s inheritance in any event. In May of 1966, advertisements appeared in the Houston Chronicle with Robert’s photo on them, selling a record that would purportedly assist people in stopping smoking in seven days. He identified himself as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.”
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On page 55 of the November 15, 1969, San Antonio, Texas Express and News, was an advertisement stating:
SCIENCE OF THE MIND
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel of Houston, director and founder of the Science of the Mind Foundation there, is conducting Sunday evening meetings at 7:30 p.m. in the Sheraton Inn, 1400 Austin Hwy.
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On page 4 of the July 10, 1970 edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram was a photograph of Robert, with a brief local news blurb:
GUEST – Dr. J Robert Spiegel of Houston, Science of Mind Foundation director, will speak at the 10:45 a.m. service tomorrow in First Church of Religious Science, 2001 6^th Ave. His subject is “What Religious Science Teaches.”
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On page 8 of the June 18, 1970 edition of the Houston Daily Cougar was this advertisement:
HOME OF UNIVERSAL LIFE
“Teaching Aquarian Meditation For The New Age
Meets Every Sunday, 11:00 A.M. At The World Trade Center Auditorium
Houston, Texas
DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL (BRAHMADANDA) DIRECTOR - FOUNDER
Aquarian Meditation Initiation for the first time offered through correspondence. For those sincere students wishing to bypass evolution and enter the 5th Kingdom. Initiation includes meditation technique, Mantra, how to "live” 24 hours a day, and much more. Write for application today:
P.O. Box 53328 Houston, Texas 052
*******
From the Galveston Daily News, May 02, 1971, Pg. 31:
AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY PRESENTS DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL AN AUTHOR, LECTURER, TEACHER OF YOGA & SELF DEVELOPMENT WILL SPEAK ON MAN, MIND & THE UNIVERSE WEDNESDAY, MAY 5th AT 7:30 P.M. IN THE RECREATION CENTER HARRIS COUNTY PARK, NASA RD. # 1 ALL WELCOME — DONATION $1.50
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The 1972 Spiritual Community Guide lists Robert twice, in the San Diego area. First, on page 117, using his alias “J. Robert Spiegel”:
THE TEMPLE OF METAPHYSICAL ABUNDANCE. J. Robert Spiegel, 1118 Torrey Pines Rd., 92037. Teaches yoga, nutrition, ESP, metaphysics, psychology, mind control
Second, on page 124, in which he, as one might have predicted, was masquerading as some sort of medical man or scholar:
"AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY, U. S. Grant Hotel, Attn: Dr. Robert Spiegel, 453-7588"
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Also in 1972, Volume 25 of San Diego Magazine published in November advertised gift certificates for the “Astrology Research Center.” “Give your loved one the gift of love. Only $50” said the advertisement. Where was this entity located? At 1118 Torrey Pines Road, the same address as Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance. The advertisement purported that person identified as “Lil Canaan” was the director. The telephone number was 459-6400.
In 2013, the San Diego Union Tribune published the obituary for Lillian Mulonas, who founded the La Jolla “Astrology Research Center.” At this point in time, unless Robert Adams’ only surviving daughter, Michelle/ Prentiss/ Avantae knows the answer and talks, we will not know what relationship, if any, existed between Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance and Lilian’s Astrology Research Center, both of which were located at 1118 Torrey Pines Road in 1972.
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From the July 12, 1973, San Diego Reader:
BRAHMADANDA FOUNDATION
“Teachings of the Cosmic Way” meets Sundays, 11:00 a.m., U.S. Grant Hotel, Crystal Room. Free admission, refreshments served. Call 453-7588 for more information.
*******
On page 51 of the June 29, 1974 edition of Phoenix’s Arizona Republic was the following advertisement:
Speaker from San Diego
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel from San Diego, a traveler and lecturer, will speak at 8 p.m., Friday in Universal Series Center, 4340 N. Seventh Ave., on the topic “Science of Being.”
He is the founder of the “Aquarian Meditation Society” in Jamaica and is founder and publisher of “Equinox,” a philosophical newspaper.
*******
The family (Adams or Spiegel, however one might want to refer to them) have resided in (that I know of) New York, Miami, Jamaica, Louisiana, La Jolla, Los Angeles, Houston, New Mexico, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Scottsdale, Sedona, and a number of cities in North Carolina.
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In at least the 1990’s, before he left for Sedona, Robert Adams used the address PO Box 7210, Jordan Avenue, D-30, Canoga Park, CA. He used that address on correspondence he wrote, and on at least one published document. Who else used that address? The data aggregators show that this address was also used by a Michelle K. Spiegel, and a person going by the name Leonie Maxwell. Michelle and Leonie also used other addresses associated with Robert, those being 1815 Willis Avenue Panorama City, and 21551 Burbank Boulevard, Woodland Hills.
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The California Birth Index shows that Michelle K. Spiegel was born on October 1, 1960, in Los Angeles County, to a mother with the maiden name Maxwell.
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In later life, Michelle used the addresses above that are associated with Robert and Leonie, as well as an address of 12004 Vanowen Street #14, North Hollywood. This is the same address at which Denniston Keith Maxwell, one of Leonie’s younger brothers, resided at, after his immigration to the United States. Denniston was one of Michelle’s uncles.
In a recent Facebook posting, Michelle/Avantae stated: “Never knew anything personal about said uncles, etc. Never asked, never cared.” Really? She shared an address with an uncle? Her uncle lived within a few minutes’ drive from her parents, and Michelle/Avantae never knew anything about him?
As an aside, Michelle/Avantae alleged (or admitted) that she “never cared” about anything personal regarding her uncles. If that is true, what does that tell us about Michelle/Avantae’s fundamental character? Antisocial? Psychopathic? Narcissistic in the extreme?
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On August 2, 1996, Michelle, going by the name Avantae E. Deven, married Tyson Ruben Alvarez in Las Vegas. The two had addresses in common in Arizona, Nevada, and Montana.
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Robert “Adams” died on or about March 2, 1997, in Sedona, Arizona.
Shortly after that, in the spring of 1997, “Nicole Adams” and “Avantae Deven” (both aliases; the correct legal names are Aileen Beverly Leonie Spiegel and Michelle K. Spiegel) purchased a home together in Sedona, on Navahopi Road. Shortly after the purchase, “Nicole” quit-claimed her portion to “Avantae.”
On July 17, 2001, Tyson, still married to “Avantae,” quit-claimed any interest in the Navahopi property to “Avantae,” and had the county recorder send the deed to “Avantae” in care of the Infinity Institute, at that time located at 9101 W. Sahara Ave. Suite 105 C29 (in other words, a private post box), in Las Vegas.
Avantae divorced Tyson in 2006. She had, by then, moved to North Carolina. She “served” Tyson via publication summons, claiming that she was unable to find him, despite his information being on multiple data aggregators.
You can go to various Facebook groups, and other sources, to pull up the documents that people have uncovered showing who is associated with the "Infinity Institute," and in what fashion, and also the addresses that they have used over the years.
In any event, this is the information regarding Robert that I think that people need to be aware of.
Why turn to a known liar and con man for spiritual guidance?
1A tallis is a prayer shawl.
2The ship’s manifest states that he was age 14, which conflicts by one year with what Samuel identified as his date of birth. These errors are not uncommon; his fare could have been purchased when he was age 14 and the records not updated.

On May 8, 2024, one of the most beautiful love stories I have ever had the privilege to witness came to an end. That's the day my mother, Janet Cantrell, died after a years long battle with a litany of diseases that had left her bedridden in excruciating pain, multiple trips and weeks long stays at the hospital.
During this time, my father, Stanley Cantrell, who was married to my mom for 41 years before her passing, was there with her for every step of the way, even taking care of her despite having had a stroke not even two full years before her decline began. My dad was an around-the-clock caregiver who poured his heart and soul into doing whatever my mother needed. He would clean her wounds -- caused by a severe flesh-eating disease -- help her go to the bathroom, comfort her when the pain and anxiety was too much for her to bear.
I can't do justice to how he poured himself out to her in mere words. Let's just say my dad has become a legend in our family for all the ways he loved his bride. It was a passionate love that started in the early 1980s, and while there were hard times that almost threatened to tear them apart, God's grace brought them back from the brink and made their love stronger than ever. It's the kind of thing a book should be written about one day.
In celebration of this love and my mother's life, I'm attempting to raise enough money to give her the send off she wanted.We are a working-class family living paycheck-to-paycheck. There was no insurance policy, unfortunately, so we are left to pay for the cost of the funeral all on our own and in full transparency, we do not have the funds to cover it.However, we still want to honor my mom's last wishes to be buried here in the town we call home. The costs for a burial and funeral service so all of Janet's loved ones get an opportunity to say goodbye is very expensive.
Fortunately, there is a wonderful funeral home in our town who has provided a package for roughly $5,000 that covers the cost of a casket, vault, service, and a few other items.That leaves the burial plot which is around $1,600 and the cost of a headstone, which is yet to be determined. However, I'm estimating it will cost around $2,000. With taxes and fees I'm rounding up the total to $9,000.
As you can see, that's a lot of money. It would mean the world to me if those of you who read this would be able to contribute to helping me author the final chapter in this wonderful love story. Anything you can give will help and I will give you my eternal gratitude. I'm a firm believer in transparency, so I will provide receipts for every expense. If there is money not used, I will gladly refund it to those who donated unless told otherwise.
As of now, I have not set a concrete date because the expenses for the funeral must be presented up front, but as soon as I can, I will provide an update on that. Again, I appreciate any and all help and support you can provide in this difficult time for me and my family.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-us-write-the-final-chapter-of-this-beautiful-love-story?utm_medium=email&utm_source=product&utm_campaign=p_email%2B4803-donation-alert-v5

I was thinking about this for a couple of days. Each of the characters definitely has mental health issues, that’s an obvious. So what if the circus is supposed to help them grow as people, by having them go in these adventures and bond with each other.
The adventures could be team building exercises to get the members of o build up bonds together. They definitely have grown attached to one another to say the least, seeing as how each of them acted at Kofmo’s funeral. Even Jax looked upset before shrugging it off.
I know that Gooseworx has confirmed things on tumblr by saying that Jax deserves to be there the most and that he had a happy backstory, but we might have misinterpreted that. The reason Jax deserves to be there the most could be that he needs to most help. He might have some kind of personality disorder, like narcissism.
The others have some noticeable mental health problems too.
Gangle is either has depression or trouble regulating her emotions. The mask could represent how people with similar conditions use a metaphorical mask to hide their own suffering.
Zooble is disillusioned by the circus and adventures. This could also had been how she felt about her life before she got trapped in the circus.
Ragatha is a people pleaser and wants to make sure everyone else is happy. Even if it hurts her.
Kinger disassociates randomly, which is why he goes between being lucid and unaware of what’s around him. Like when he forgot Gangle was standing next to him in the first episode and got startled by her.
Pomni is very shy and anxious, which could make it hard for her to bond with other people.
There’s also the fact that the characters abstract when their mental health gets bad enough. Gooseworx confirmed that it was irreversible, implying that it’s permanent and that the “treatment” failed. I doubt the people who are running the program would just allow that to happen, they could just have removed the ones who abstracted and moving them somewhere else to be treated.
The monsters they turn into after abstracting could just be the result of them being taken out of the circus and being cut off from their digital avatars. The game they used for the program could just not be capable of handling this to well and this is the result.
What do you guys think?

I (29 f) will be going on a family related trip with my two daughters (2 and 8). my mom passed away 2 months ago and she had left us some money in the bank for me and my brother (32). My brother lives out of state in California, he only came to Ohio for my mom and the funeral. We had started the process to claim the money with the bank. My brother had to fly back to California for work before we were able to get the money, so the whole process was basically canceled. My brother was about to get fired because he was in Ohio for a little over a month. So we agreed that i would fly out to California and we could do the whole bank process again. At the time i was distant with my partner (28 m) he never liked my mom so he was not there for me while i was going through the grieve of losing my mom. I had only mentioned to him that i would have to go to California to claim the money my mom had left me and my brother. He did not express himself to nicely about it. My partner has an issue of me going to California because that is where i lived with the father of my daughter (8 f) for some years, he thinks im going to go "have fun" as he puts it. My partner has a pattern of acussing me of cheating. Which i have never done.
A couple weeks ago i decide to have a break because i found out he was cheating on me repeatedly in the past, we still lived together but he stayed in the living room. i never mentioned to him about the trip that was already planning, i started looking at flights and possibly an Airbnb to stay at a couple of days with my best friend (25 f) from California. My best friend and i always plan trips that will never happen.
My partner during the time we were in a break, went through my stuff while i was gone, he had confronted me about some things in my past that i wrote in my journal and some hotels i had written down with prices and locations. He brought up how it was an issue that i was going to California without inviting him. He said i was hiding the fact i was looking for hotels and planning a girls trip on the side. He said i was a liar.
In the past i had invited him to California when i would have to send my daughter (8) to go visit her dad during school vacations. But my partner always refused and would say to never ask him or bring up California to him again.
He made a big deal about me not inviting him saying that maybe i was just going to have fun and leave my daughters with someone while i go out with my best friend. The plan was to have my daughters with me the whole time. My partner proceed to invite himself, asking me if there was any reason for him not to go. i agreed it was ok for him to go with us and he then told me that he will not be staying with us, that he will be staying in hotels. He said i would have to have my location on at all times and had an issue with my girls days with my best friend.
He made me feel like i was in the wrong, so am i the asshole for not inviting him on the trip?

Hello Reddit. First time to post here. I badly need advise but dont want to tell my friends and family about this.
My partner (37m) does not love me(30f) at all. We’re together 7 years and we have a son (5m) Im trying to figure out what his love language is, and I realized that the reason why I cant figure it out is because he doesnt feel anything for me.
I feel so trapped in our relationship even if we’re not married. I dont want my son to not have a father. But Im not happy anymore. I feel so little and so lonely and so unloved.
Just this mother’s day, he wouldnt have greeted me if I havent reminded him to greet his mom. When he’s away for work, (he’s an owneoperator of our van rental) he would never update me but I could see his messenger that he updates his friend group about his whereabouts. I told him many times to atleast update me whenever he stops somewhere because I worry about him, but he always says that he’s busy driving (but he could update his friends. Lol). So I stopped bothering him when he’s away. We used to argue about this but I taught myself to not care so much cause he doesnt.
One time he went to his aunt’s funeral for 2 days without updating me. (My son and I couldnt go). No calls, no texts, no chats. None at all. But I saw from his brother’s facebook live that he’s always holding his phone. When he got home, I asked him if it is so hard for him to check up on me and our child. Of course his response was that he’s busy with whatever he is doing there. I pointed out that I saw him holding his phone all the time but not once did he bother checking on us. He snapped at me and I dropped the issue.
He’s never intimate with me. Im not just talking about sex, but in all aspects. He doesnt like talking to me, he’s always on his phone. He doesnt hug or kiss me, I dont even remember a time when he held my hand, or walk beside me whenever we’re out. He never looks at me when we’re crossing the street. Whenever I ask him to pass me something, he wont give it to me directly, he will set it down within my reach even if handing it to me is easier. He always avoid my kisses and hugs. Either telling me that he havent showered yet or that the weather is too hot for all that. Lol. Sex was never great. He’s selfish.
I could never cry in front of him. When my father died in 2020, he wasnt even there for me. He left for work when he could’ve given the booking to one of his friends. Months after my dad died, I am still grieving and he asked me what Im crying about. He sees crying as weakness. He’s so insensitive to my feelings that I run and hide whenever I cry about something.
We dont really argue anymore. The only reason that our relationship is quiet is because we dont talk about our issues, instead we bury it. He is more like a roommate to me than a partner.
I always wonder what our lives would be once I leave him, but my heart really aches whenever I think of my son. He is still a loving father to him.
I dont really know what to do or how to start again. I dont believe in love and in marriage because of him. I dont know how to endure more years of this torture. I feel so trapped and drowing from all this negative emotions that I tried to hide from everyone. Both our families ask me when we would get married. I really dont know how to answer them so i would just change topic. If I get cornered, I just end up raising my voice telling them that I DONT WANT TO.
I know people will tell me that im stupid for staying despite of what Im feeling but my heart would ache more if I see my child asking about his father. They are close. I dont want to take that love away from my son.
I badly need advise as to what i can do. I feel lost. Please help me find my way again. Thank you.

I remember in all the centers I lived in, there were plenty of pictures of JME, Don Alvaro, JME's parents and "Aunt Carmen", his sister around the place, but numeraries never had photos of their blood relations on display in their rooms. This rule must have been given to us when we joined but I can't remember now. I found this sad article in Opus Libros from a num in Spain who remembers an instruction came out from OD in the late 80s on this issue - no personal photos on display in bedrooms.
Opuslibros - Familia de Sangre.- Edu
The whole article is worth reading as it shows how Opus Dei's practices "detached" this man so much from his family that he didn't shed a tear when either of his parents died, and gradually lost all feeling for his siblings. He was allowed to go the burials of his parents but not the funeral masses. He makes the point about how OD's practices hardly line up with the 4th commandment to honor one's parents.
As for me, I took this in my stride as I had a deeply fractured and traumatic relationship with my blood family, which I had hardly begun to process by the time OD offered me a spiritualized escape from it. I would never have put up photos of my family anyway but looking back, the idea that we had photos of JME's blood relations all around but none of our own says so much about how cultish OD is. If I had had to explain that to someone outside OD, I think I would have balked at it or been embarrassed. It's disturbing beyond measure.
It also got me thinking about the other nums I knew. It's not like we chatted much about our families, but I picked up that a fair share had the loss of one parent as a child, two had alcoholism in the family, some had been to boarding schools, and many others were emotionally stunted by parents who were not emotionally available. So in a sense, it would have needed that kind of distance and family trauma to not care about the prohibition on displaying family photos.
What are others' experiences and feelings? Have the rules changed in recent years? Thanks