The White/Ka/Purpose
I will call it The White, as it's much easier. Description: The White is a creation force, emitted from the Dark Tower, Gan uses it the create everything. Ka is is duty, a place you must go, how this connected to The White is through being the will of Gan. Gan willed everything to existence, meaning these two ideas come together, Purpose is another form of The White. With all of this The White is a creation force that makes all forms of order, we see in another one of the comics that it makes deities that are aspects of their concept. The White is a force that creates duality, order.
The Red/Outer Dark/Random
The Red, or Outer Dark, or Random is an opposite force to The White, The Red's purpose is to cause disorder, to bring everything back to the Prim, this would mean The Red is against the order The White makes, meaning it would be Transdaul or Nondual.
Where They Exist
The Red and The White exist within every level of reality, these levels are called time levels but I'll get into those another time.
This would be a TD2 relationship by VSBW's and CSAP's definitions, if we apply VSBW's TD3 to this then it would still be TD2, but through CSAP's words of "as it's essentially functioning as transduality relative to something that's already transdual."
Macroverse
The Macroverse exists beyond the Dark Tower as a non-geometrical barrier, you could argue this being TD3, but The Deadlights would be the starting point of TD3, as it's stated they are a mockery of life, this would imply a transdual difference, as they are outside of a 0 and 1 and 2 relationship.
Hax Gained Following CSAP
This would give The Deadlights TD3, Maturin, the Beam Guardians, and Maerlyn would have TD2. Crimson King and Gan would have TD3.
The White and The Red would gain NEP 2, so would Crimson King and Gan
Hax Gained Follwoing VSBW
Every character stated before would have TD2.
The White and The Red would gain NEP 2, but Crimson King and Gan would gain aspects of Spiritual Nonexistence (as they're beyond the concepts of souls or astral bodies) with arguments for Information Nonexistence (as they lack information).

Edited: The title was supposed to say that: I may be a Petty jerk, but at least I got away from a toxic "friend. Auto correct changed it to Jersey, and I couldn't edit the actual title.
Fair Warning, this is going to be a LONG post, but I will try to dilute it as much as possible.
About 12 years ago I left the world of retail (of which I have MANY stories) to begin a career in childcare. Some people prefer different titles, Nanny, Babysitter, Parents' Helper, Childcare Provider, etc. To be honest each of those titles are suitable in different situations.
The first family that I Nannied for went on for about 4 years, and then on again off again for another year. Through this family, I met "Wendy" and her family. Wendy went out of her way to be friendly with me, and would often ask me to babysit her kids (B5 and G1).
At one point, I had moved on to working with another family for a few months. Sadly, that ended due to the parents getting a divorce, and they moved further away.
Wendy found out that I was unemployed and asked that I Nanny for her kids. She was also pregnant with her 3rd at the time. I agreed at a slightly discounted rate because we were "friends". I realized too late that that was a HUGE mistake on my part.
Wendy's live in boyfriend "Cole" also had 3 kids from a previous relationship. B15, G8, and G6 lived with their mother. Yes, am aware of the closeness in age of Wendy and Cole' B5 and his G6. I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Now prepare yourselves for the Rollercoaster of emotions I dealt with with this family.
Initially, both Wendy and Cole were employed. I would come over 5 days a week for 8 to 10 hour days, depending upon whether Wendy got home on time. Here is where my discounted rate bit me in the butt.... $300 a week was still complained about. Wendy asked that I not leave Cole alone with their kids because he basically ignored them and refused to change diapers. I felt pretty icky about that, but agreed. Now I lived 45 minutes away without traffic. I would often leave my house early in anticipation of possible traffic. If I arrived early, I wasn't allowed in until she our alloted time of 7am. I didn't have a key, and would often be left waiting on the porch an extra 15 minutes past our time. If I knew I was too early, I parked around the corner and ate breakfast. Wendy and Cole both got very irritated if I wasn't their door precisely at 7 am. It was a headache that I chose to avoid.
Over the first month, I realized that G2 was emotionally abused by Wendy. She constantly said to or in front of the child how much she hated dealing with the wild child. How she wished G2 was more well behaved like B5. She even wrote unkind things on Facebook, asking someone to take her on the weekend while I was off.
This took a toll on poor G2, obviously. She would get violent with me first thing in the mornings : Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair, throwing things at me, or what ever popped into her mind. Eventually, once Wendy left for work G2 would calm down and become an absolute delight.
When B5 started school, Wendy took a new job that allowed her to work from home at times. Those were not fun days! I asked if I could bring G2 to my house where I have an outdoor play area, a playroom, plenty of kid movies, crafts, books, music, and local playgrounds. At first the car rides were torture with G2 screaming bloody murder for at least half of the 45 minute drive. When she got used to the new routine, those drives became pleasant. Her violent tendencies disappeared when we were spending the days at my home. The drawback was that I also had to drive her home in time to get B5 off the bus.
During school breaks, I also had B5, and if they were visiting G8 and G6. B15 stayed at Wendy's house and just did his own thing. If you thought G2 was torture in toddler form, these two girls would have made Nanny McPhee grow a few more moles, a hunch back, and closed feet.
B5 would get a little bored, being that he was the only boy that was understandable. I purchased an array of boy friendlier toys to entertain him. I already had a lot of girl friendly toys either purchased or gifted from the first family that I had worked with. Of course I had plenty of gender neutral items too.
Wendy and Cole didn't give 2 sh*ts and a shave if the kids watched TV all day, went out to a playground or museum, or were driven 2 hours away, as long as I got them home on time. I easily spent an entire paycheck on activities, gas, food (which they didn't pack), and toys over 2 weeks watching all 4 kids. By the by, when asked for additional money when I did have all 4, Wendy not so politely informed me that the kids are entertain each other, so my job should be easier with all 4.
My husband and I discussed a few times whether I should look for something else. Inevitably the people pleaser in me actually felt guilty even considering it. Yup, I was apparently a glutton for punishment. Gratefully, my income was just extra, for an nice meal out occasionally, gifts for birthdays and holiday, extra hobbies, and basic groceries.
Just before Wendy gave birth to their new baby, she became unemployed. Logically, one would think this was my easy out. NOPE!! I became more of a Mother's Helper / Nanny. At this point Wendy and Cole were beginning to look for a larger house to rent. I did more walk through than I can count. She even asked me to tour a couple without her, and to bring G2 and B5 so she could get her nails done and take a nap. (Seriously, I toured houses on her list without her!)
As we spent more and more time together, I began to learn FAR FAR more about her bedroom life than I could ever desire. G2 and I spent much less time in the peace of my home, and way too much in Wendy's company. G2's behavior began to deteriorate slowly, causing Wendy to lose her temper with her far too easily. This completely broke my heart. I TRIED to redirect them both, and expressed my concern to Wendy. Of course, she then turned her anger towards me.
Wendy would openly discuss her theories about Cole in front of her kids. She claimed that he was cheating on her with his ex because he would shower immediately after seeing her to pick up or drop off the kids. He often made those drives directly after work though. Maybe he was cheating, maybe not. I honestly don't know.
Wendy also enjoyed gossiping about absolutely anybody. The parents of the first family that worked with were having marital issues. This was a favorite topic of hers. Wendy told me about every unkind word her mother uttered in her direction. The apple obviously didn't fall far from the tree here. I was told lots of personal information about people I didn't know. The gossip made me very uncomfortable. I told her that I would prefer we not discuss the lives of people who weren't around to speak on their own behalf. This fell on deaf ears.
I became quite used to her disapproval of my loose fitting jeans and T-shirts. Working with kids, I found my favorite cartoon prints were just as possible with my tiny charges. I NEVER wear makeup or heels because I simply don't want to. My dresses always have leggings under them because it make me feel less vulnerable. I never wear shorts or above the knee skirts/dresses. That's a ME thing, not religious or cultural. I find my "uniform" of choice is ideal for working with kids. Wendy informed me more than once that it embarrassed her to be seen in public with me. She often insisted that I wear something of hers if we had to go anywhere.
My husband enjoys photography, particularly long exposure which is done at night. He has a lot of photography friends of both genders, but his best friend is a female. He also enjoys concerts and kayaking, often with an ex from high school. (He graduated in 1997). I trust my husband and have no problem with him spending time with his friends. Enter Wendy's whispers of accusations. She often "jokingly" accused him of cheating on me with these female friends. I don't enjoy concerts, crowds, or being out late; so I support his doing with people who do. At least I know he with someone if something happens. I have bad knees, which make getting in and out of a kayak difficult. Why should that stop him? Again, I told her that I trust him and that I don't appreciate her accusations joke or not. This annoyed her because she doesn't trust Cole.
I know these are major red flag issues. I know how toxic being subjected to these comments is. I also know how difficult it would be on their kids if I left too soon. I knew they needed someone who wasn't emotionally cruel. I stayed for them.
My husband and I spent 2 of our weekends helping them pack and move to house that ended up 15 minutes from us. We were thanked by words, but that was the extent of the gratitude. Wendy's mother looked after the kids while we helped them move. This was complained about because I was already paid to watch the kids during the week. Insert eye roll here!! Her mom felt my husband should be willing to help them move while I watched the kids on the weekend for no extra pay. Either way, we were doing them a HUGE favor to begin with.
A family that I had briefly Nannied for prior to working for Wendy asked if I could help out every other Saturday. The dad (Nice Guy) traveled a lot for work leaving the Mom (Angelface) home alone with the kids. She just needed a day to run errands, work out, and just have time to herself. Angelface is one of the kindest women on this planet. When I did Nanny for them (2 days a week), she was in tears when she had to let me go. They couldn't justify the outgoing money at the time. She referred me to several friends. I am legitimately friend with this family, and still babysit sporadically.
Through a random discussion, I told Wendy about working with Angelface on every other Saturday. She began to tell me what to charge, how many hours to work, and what days to leave open for her just in case. Insert headache inducing eyerolls!
One Friday, Wendy's cousin arrived for a weekend visit with her baby. Wendy told me that because it was a holiday weekend I would not be needed until Tuesday. I double checked via text, and she confirmed that she and Cole were taking the kids to the beach with her cousin. Monday morning I got a call from a passed off Wendy asking where I am. I reminded her that she had told me that they would not need me. I even took a screen shot of our text. She said that Cole had decided to work Monday anyway so she was alone with HER kids. This pissed me off, so I lied. I told her that I was out of town with my mom and wouldn't be home until 5 or 6 pm. She went on about how much of an inconvenience it was to her, and I should have checked before going out of town. For the second time, I sent her a screenshot of my text verifying that I wasn't needed Monday. She abruptly ended the call saying to just be sure to be on time Tuesday. I had NEVER been late, but opted to mention that as we hung up.
Over time we worked out a new arrangement where I brought now G3 to my house 2 days a week, and we stayed there 3 days a week. I helped with cleaning, errands, helped with the new baby (NB), etc. Mostly, I was Wendy's sounding board. She continued to accuse Cole of cheating, wasting money, and even beating her.
My husband and I offered to let her and the kids stay with us, but she declined. Wendy even told me that since she was so sure Cole was cheating, she was going to find herself a side boyfriend to cheat with. I tried to talk her out of it, to no avail. Sadly, she spoke openly about her new boyfriend in fron of G3. During one of her rants I learned that my pay came from him selling drugs. GULP!!
While cleaning out the couch one day, I came across a loaded gun kept in the couch console thing, along with baggies of pills, "dried plants", and white powder. This completely freaked me out. 2 small children and a soon to be crawling baby sat and played on and around that couch. I STRONGLY considered calling Child Pretective Services and the police. I quickly realized that if I did, they would know it was me. I regret it, but I feared their possible retaliation towards us.
Shortly after finding these thing Cole quit his job. For several months while I worked for them, they were both unemployed. Again, I thought it was an easy out. NOPE AGAIN! For another 3 months, they insisted that they couldn't take care of the house and kids without my help. Very often, I arrived to find now B6 fending for himself for breakfast and getting ready for school. He was told to wake up and unlock the door for me, but they went back to sleep. I was expected to keep the baby from crying, and to keep G3 quiet and entertained until they came downstairs. I often chose to simply take both to my house so we could play naturally. We had a crib, so this wasn't a problem for NB. G3 would just nap on the couch or my bed. When out of school B6 preferred this too. This really should have told Wendy and Cole something about their kids, but of course not.
FINALLY, I was informed after about a year of working for them, they could no longer justify paying me. At this point, I had often considered quitting anyway. I mainly stayed because my heart broke for the kids. However, based on her gossipy and judgmental nature ... not to mention my little 3 day weekend fail; I was concerned about what kind of reference Wendy would provide if I chose to quit.
So in 2019, I found myself happily unemployed. The timing here worked out beautifully because Angelface knew neighbors due to have their first baby in 2020. I ended up working for this lovely family until August of 2023. The mom (Joy) and the Dad (Mr. Cool) were such a relief to my entire mental and physical health. We became friends as well, and over time I told them about Wendy. Between Joy, Angelface, Mr. Cool, Nice Guy, my husband, and family I began to realize just hoe toxic Wendy really was to my mental health. My husband never liked her but understood my feelings towards the kids.
For almost a year Wendy would randomly call or FaceTime me .... more often than not while drunk. She would rave about how much she and the kids missed me. We would get together for a meal, and she had me over for a couple birthday parties for the kids. I found myself almost always being the only sober adult watching the kids as the adults partied. Wendy often went back to her gossiping, trash talking, and "jokes" about my husband spending time with women. She would offer underhanded compliments. "It's so nice to see you wearing a dress instead of those tacky T-shirts." You get the drift. She even INFORMED me that since her neighbor was pregnant I could quit my job with Joy and Mr. Cool. She had told her neighbor that I would work for her now, and since they were next door, I would watch her own kids too. I shut that down saying that I was quite happy working with Joy and Mr. Cool. I even lied about what they paid thinking it would detur her further. NOPE yet again. She said that I should quit anyway so her life would be easier with me around. Once more, I told her that wasn't going to happen.
AT LONG LAST, I am coming to the end of my tortuous endurment with Wendy.
A week later, she called and asked if I had quit yet. I said that I had no intention of leaving an "$800" a week job. (Not even close to that with my 3 day a week job, but she didn't need to know the truth.) She told me to let her know when I quit, then changed the subject towards gossiping about that first family and their problems. I told her that I don't feel comfortable gossiping about people who can't speak for themselves. That pissed her off, so she turned it on me again. She said of course I don't want to talk about them since my husband was cheating on me with 2 different women. I angrily corrected her. She has no reason to think my husband is cheating, and I trust him and our friends. Just because she thinks her boyfriend cheats, and she cheats, that doesn't mean everybody does. She then said we could talk when I calmed down and after I quit my job.
After hanging up, I proceeded to block Wendy on everything! Facebook, phone calls, texting, face timing, Instagram, and even Snapchat (which I hadn't used in over a year). I also blocked her mom, and any body that had been friendly simply because Wendy knew them and wanted me to have their information too. I gave her no warning at all. I was beyond passed off, and refused to be talked out of my very gratifying decision.
I told my husband, family, and friends that was now free of Wendy. Not a single person tried to tell me to make ammends. The only guilt that I feel is towards those poor kids. For once though, I put myself first. Joy and Angelface were both extremely supportive when I told them that I had Ghosted Wendy. Both even mentioned how proud they were of me for FINALLY truly stand-up for myself. They were NOT fans of Wendy!!!
I never ended up quitting my job with Joy and Mr. Cool inorder to babysit Wendy's neighbor. I also continued to babysit for Angelface and Nice Guy.
About 7 or 8 months ago, I ran into Wendy at a playground between our two homes. She was with now G5 and B2. I had Joy and Mr. Cool's daughter with me. I was polite, almost obscenely so. I was friendly towards the kids, who were stand off-ish. I offered to let Little Miss play with them, but they weren't interested. Little Miss wanted to do her own thing, so off we went to play. We left after only 15 minutes because Little Miss said "that lady" is scaring her.
That night, my husband got a Facebook message from Wendy. She described my cruelty towards her kids by ignoring them. She said that it was so hateful that I blocked her on everything after all she had done for us. This message went on and on. My husband left it unread for months before my morbid curiosity caused me to open the silly thing. We never responded, but instead he finally bl9cked her too.
Ok, if you read that bloody novel of a post, you are a ROCK STAR!! I don't have any regrets towards my eventual choice, except towards the kids. It breaks my heart knowing what kind of parents they are enduring. I often regret not calling CPS, but there isn't a shadow of doubt that would have retaliated .... most likely violently.
I did eventually get back in contact with that very first Nanny family. They had indeed broken up, but both are happier and healthier now. I warned them that Wendy enjoyed gossiping and spreading rumors about them. Neither were surprised, and both had broken contact with Wendy long ago. They supported my choice to break ties with her as well. Shocking, right!?!
I no longer work full time for Joy and Mr. Cool, as they wanted Little Miss to get used to being around more kids before starting school. I do still sporadically babysit for them and Angelface and Nice Guy though. The two couples have referred me to several other families in the neighborhood, so I stay pretty busy with much more sane individuals.
Maybe I was a jerk, and petty. I'm cool with being thought of that way towards Wendy. At least now, I have much kinder people in my life.

The rules of Dmm skill and kill (dmm sk) in a nut shell
players may only trade via the ge.
points are rewarded for pvm kc, total level diaries combat aceivments and kills; adding more points if apker kills a high point target.
A restriction list that alters the points gain when killing any player they have killed in the last 48 hours
skilling stuns you for a breif moment
new rules on bank raiding and death mechanics
gear lv 65 and abovebreaks on death and must be repaired with lower teir equipment to be used again.
xp rates for skilling in a combat zone are given a multiplier while kills in the wilderness give an even bigger multiplyer.
Easy to obtain ornament kits are given as rewards.
A final tornament that gives each player a clan rank and duel rank and rewarding a in main game cosmedic cape that shows off their placements
The Point system:
~~~~~Skilling and pvm points~~~~~~~
Their is a points system based off total level, pvm kc/combat acheivments.
~~~~~~~Pking points~~~~~~~~
kills reward point
Armors and weapons over lv 50 add lots of gear points to a kill, while sub lv 50 give few gear points
Kills reward a small number of points for killing anyone you haven't killed in the last 2 days.
Kills against anyone you have killed with in the last 2 days will not get base kill points and only a 1/3 of gear points
having 3 kills on someone over 48 hours gives no points at all.
A icon above each player to easily identify players you have killed Already in the last 2 days
perhaps a red lock if they are unskulled and a red skull if they are
and whiteskull or skull/white if they are skulled with a lock
--------(The loot rules/death rules and systems mechanics)~~~~~~~~~
No trading in person only able to traded via the grand exchange
Dropped items don't appear to other players
Their are two inventories players may switch between; one for skilling and another for combat
The two invents are built in together and can be swaped by left clicking the inventory button in the ui and selecting swich invent.
The Battle crate inventory:
A switchable inventory that only stores foods, ammo, gear and potions
The skilling pack inventory:
A switchable inventory that only stores resorces , tabs, teleport jewlery, non combat potions and skilling equipment/outfits
Includes a built in notedenoter options for skilling supllies only so people can do bank standing type skills anywhere it's dangourus for better xp rates
More in the comments

I may be the A-H and a bit Petty, but at least I got away from a toxic "friend".
Fair Warning, this is going to be a LONG post, but I will try to dilute it as much as possible.
About 12 years ago I left the world of retail (of which I have MANY stories) to begin a career in childcare. Some people prefer different titles, Nanny, Babysitter, Parents' Helper, Childcare Provider, etc. To be honest each of those titles are suitable in different situations.
The first family that I Nannied for went on for about 4 years, and then on again off again for another year. Through this family, I met "Wendy" and her family. Wendy went out of her way to be friendly with me, and would often ask me to babysit her kids (B5 and G1).
At one point, I had moved on to working with another family for a few months. Sadly, that ended due to the parents getting a divorce, and they moved further away.
Wendy found out that I was unemployed and asked that I Nanny for her kids. She was also pregnant with her 3rd at the time. I agreed at a slightly discounted rate because we were "friends". I realized too late that that was a HUGE mistake on my part.
Wendy's live in boyfriend "Cole" also had 3 kids from a previous relationship. B15, G8, and G6 lived with their mother. Yes, am aware of the closeness in age of Wendy and Cole' B5 and his G6. I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Now prepare yourselves for the Rollercoaster of emotions I dealt with with this family.
Initially, both Wendy and Cole were employed. I would come over 5 days a week for 8 to 10 hour days, depending upon whether Wendy got home on time. Here is where my discounted rate bit me in the butt.... $300 a week was still complained about. Wendy asked that I not leave Cole alone with their kids because he basically ignored them and refused to change diapers. I felt pretty icky about that, but agreed. Now I lived 45 minutes away without traffic. I would often leave my house early in anticipation of possible traffic. If I arrived early, I wasn't allowed in until she our alloted time of 7am. I didn't have a key, and would often be left waiting on the porch an extra 15 minutes past our time. If I knew I was too early, I parked around the corner and ate breakfast. Wendy and Cole both got very irritated if I wasn't their door precisely at 7 am. It was a headache that I chose to avoid.
Over the first month, I realized that G2 was emotionally abused by Wendy. She constantly said to or in front of the child how much she hated dealing with the wild child. How she wished G2 was more well behaved like B5. She even wrote unkind things on Facebook, asking someone to take her on the weekend while I was off.
This took a toll on poor G2, obviously. She would get violent with me first thing in the mornings : Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair, throwing things at me, or what ever popped into her mind. Eventually, once Wendy left for work G2 would calm down and become an absolute delight.
When B5 started school, Wendy took a new job that allowed her to work from home at times. Those were not fun days! I asked if I could bring G2 to my house where I have an outdoor play area, a playroom, plenty of kid movies, crafts, books, music, and local playgrounds. At first the car rides were torture with G2 screaming bloody murder for at least half of the 45 minute drive. When she got used to the new routine, those drives became pleasant. Her violent tendencies disappeared when we were spending the days at my home. The drawback was that I also had to drive her home in time to get B5 off the bus.
During school breaks, I also had B5, and if they were visiting G8 and G6. B15 stayed at Wendy's house and just did his own thing. If you thought G2 was torture in toddler form, these two girls would have made Nanny McPhee grow a few more moles, a hunch back, and closed feet.
B5 would get a little bored, being that he was the only boy that was understandable. I purchased an array of boy friendlier toys to entertain him. I already had a lot of girl friendly toys either purchased or gifted from the first family that I had worked with. Of course I had plenty of gender neutral items too.
Wendy and Cole didn't give 2 sh*ts and a shave if the kids watched TV all day, went out to a playground or museum, or were driven 2 hours away, as long as I got them home on time. I easily spent an entire paycheck on activities, gas, food (which they didn't pack), and toys over 2 weeks watching all 4 kids. By the by, when asked for additional money when I did have all 4, Wendy not so politely informed me that the kids are entertain each other, so my job should be easier with all 4.
My husband and I discussed a few times whether I should look for something else. Inevitably the people pleaser in me actually felt guilty even considering it. Yup, I was apparently a glutton for punishment. Gratefully, my income was just extra, for an nice meal out occasionally, gifts for birthdays and holiday, extra hobbies, and basic groceries.
Just before Wendy gave birth to their new baby, she became unemployed. Logically, one would think this was my easy out. NOPE!! I became more of a Mother's Helper / Nanny. At this point Wendy and Cole were beginning to look for a larger house to rent. I did more walk through than I can count. She even asked me to tour a couple without her, and to bring G2 and B5 so she could get her nails done and take a nap. (Seriously, I toured houses on her list without her!)
As we spent more and more time together, I began to learn FAR FAR more about her bedroom life than I could ever desire. G2 and I spent much less time in the peace of my home, and way too much in Wendy's company. G2's behavior began to deteriorate slowly, causing Wendy to lose her temper with her far too easily. This completely broke my heart. I TRIED to redirect them both, and expressed my concern to Wendy. Of course, she then turned her anger towards me.
Wendy would openly discuss her theories about Cole in front of her kids. She claimed that he was cheating on her with his ex because he would shower immediately after seeing her to pick up or drop off the kids. He often made those drives directly after work though. Maybe he was cheating, maybe not. I honestly don't know.
Wendy also enjoyed gossiping about absolutely anybody. The parents of the first family that worked with were having marital issues. This was a favorite topic of hers. Wendy told me about every unkind word her mother uttered in her direction. The apple obviously didn't fall far from the tree here. I was told lots of personal information about people I didn't know. The gossip made me very uncomfortable. I told her that I would prefer we not discuss the lives of people who weren't around to speak on their own behalf. This fell on deaf ears.
I became quite used to her disapproval of my loose fitting jeans and T-shirts. Working with kids, I found my favorite cartoon prints were just as possible with my tiny charges. I NEVER wear makeup or heels because I simply don't want to. My dresses always have leggings under them because it make me feel less vulnerable. I never wear shorts or above the knee skirts/dresses. That's a ME thing, not religious or cultural. I find my "uniform" of choice is ideal for working with kids. Wendy informed me more than once that it embarrassed her to be seen in public with me. She often insisted that I wear something of hers if we had to go anywhere.
My husband enjoys photography, particularly long exposure which is done at night. He has a lot of photography friends of both genders, but his best friend is a female. He also enjoys concerts and kayaking, often with an ex from high school. (He graduated in 1997). I trust my husband and have no problem with him spending time with his friends. Enter Wendy's whispers of accusations. She often "jokingly" accused him of cheating on me with these female friends. I don't enjoy concerts, crowds, or being out late; so I support his doing with people who do. At least I know he with someone if something happens. I have bad knees, which make getting in and out of a kayak difficult. Why should that stop him? Again, I told her that I trust him and that I don't appreciate her accusations joke or not. This annoyed her because she doesn't trust Cole.
I know these are major red flag issues. I know how toxic being subjected to these comments is. I also know how difficult it would be on their kids if I left too soon. I knew they needed someone who wasn't emotionally cruel. I stayed for them.
My husband and I spent 2 of our weekends helping them pack and move to house that ended up 15 minutes from us. We were thanked by words, but that was the extent of the gratitude. Wendy's mother looked after the kids while we helped them move. This was complained about because I was already paid to watch the kids during the week. Insert eye roll here!! Her mom felt my husband should be willing to help them move while I watched the kids on the weekend for no extra pay. Either way, we were doing them a HUGE favor to begin with.
A family that I had briefly Nannied for prior to working for Wendy asked if I could help out every other Saturday. The dad (Nice Guy) traveled a lot for work leaving the Mom (Angelface) home alone with the kids. She just needed a day to run errands, work out, and just have time to herself. Angelface is one of the kindest women on this planet. When I did Nanny for them (2 days a week), she was in tears when she had to let me go. They couldn't justify the outgoing money at the time. She referred me to several friends. I am legitimately friend with this family, and still babysit sporadically.
Through a random discussion, I told Wendy about working with Angelface on every other Saturday. She began to tell me what to charge, how many hours to work, and what days to leave open for her just in case. Insert headache inducing eyerolls!
One Friday, Wendy's cousin arrived for a weekend visit with her baby. Wendy told me that because it was a holiday weekend I would not be needed until Tuesday. I double checked via text, and she confirmed that she and Cole were taking the kids to the beach with her cousin. Monday morning I got a call from a passed off Wendy asking where I am. I reminded her that she had told me that they would not need me. I even took a screen shot of our text. She said that Cole had decided to work Monday anyway so she was alone with HER kids. This pissed me off, so I lied. I told her that I was out of town with my mom and wouldn't be home until 5 or 6 pm. She went on about how much of an inconvenience it was to her, and I should have checked before going out of town. For the second time, I sent her a screenshot of my text verifying that I wasn't needed Monday. She abruptly ended the call saying to just be sure to be on time Tuesday. I had NEVER been late, but opted to mention that as we hung up.
Over time we worked out a new arrangement where I brought now G3 to my house 2 days a week, and we stayed there 3 days a week. I helped with cleaning, errands, helped with the new baby (NB), etc. Mostly, I was Wendy's sounding board. She continued to accuse Cole of cheating, wasting money, and even beating her.
My husband and I offered to let her and the kids stay with us, but she declined. Wendy even told me that since she was so sure Cole was cheating, she was going to find herself a side boyfriend to cheat with. I tried to talk her out of it, to no avail. Sadly, she spoke openly about her new boyfriend in fron of G3. During one of her rants I learned that my pay came from him selling drugs. GULP!!
While cleaning out the couch one day, I came across a loaded gun kept in the couch console thing, along with baggies of pills, "dried plants", and white powder. This completely freaked me out. 2 small children and a soon to be crawling baby sat and played on and around that couch. I STRONGLY considered calling Child Pretective Services and the police. I quickly realized that if I did, they would know it was me. I regret it, but I feared their possible retaliation towards us.
Shortly after finding these thing Cole quit his job. For several months while I worked for them, they were both unemployed. Again, I thought it was an easy out. NOPE AGAIN! For another 3 months, they insisted that they couldn't take care of the house and kids without my help. Very often, I arrived to find now B6 fending for himself for breakfast and getting ready for school. He was told to wake up and unlock the door for me, but they went back to sleep. I was expected to keep the baby from crying, and to keep G3 quiet and entertained until they came downstairs. I often chose to simply take both to my house so we could play naturally. We had a crib, so this wasn't a problem for NB. G3 would just nap on the couch or my bed. When out of school B6 preferred this too. This really should have told Wendy and Cole something about their kids, but of course not.
FINALLY, I was informed after about a year of working for them, they could no longer justify paying me. At this point, I had often considered quitting anyway. I mainly stayed because my heart broke for the kids. However, based on her gossipy and judgmental nature ... not to mention my little 3 day weekend fail; I was concerned about what kind of reference Wendy would provide if I chose to quit.
So in 2019, I found myself happily unemployed. The timing here worked out beautifully because Angelface knew neighbors due to have their first baby in 2020. I ended up working for this lovely family until August of 2023. The mom (Joy) and the Dad (Mr. Cool) were such a relief to my entire mental and physical health. We became friends as well, and over time I told them about Wendy. Between Joy, Angelface, Mr. Cool, Nice Guy, my husband, and family I began to realize just hoe toxic Wendy really was to my mental health. My husband never liked her but understood my feelings towards the kids.
For almost a year Wendy would randomly call or FaceTime me .... more often than not while drunk. She would rave about how much she and the kids missed me. We would get together for a meal, and she had me over for a couple birthday parties for the kids. I found myself almost always being the only sober adult watching the kids as the adults partied. Wendy often went back to her gossiping, trash talking, and "jokes" about my husband spending time with women. She would offer underhanded compliments. "It's so nice to see you wearing a dress instead of those tacky T-shirts." You get the drift. She even INFORMED me that since her neighbor was pregnant I could quit my job with Joy and Mr. Cool. She had told her neighbor that I would work for her now, and since they were next door, I would watch her own kids too. I shut that down saying that I was quite happy working with Joy and Mr. Cool. I even lied about what they paid thinking it would detur her further. NOPE yet again. She said that I should quit anyway so her life would be easier with me around. Once more, I told her that wasn't going to happen.
AT LONG LAST, I am coming to the end of my tortuous endurment with Wendy.
A week later, she called and asked if I had quit yet. I said that I had no intention of leaving an "$800" a week job. (Not even close to that with my 3 day a week job, but she didn't need to know the truth.) She told me to let her know when I quit, then changed the subject towards gossiping about that first family and their problems. I told her that I don't feel comfortable gossiping about people who can't speak for themselves. That pissed her off, so she turned it on me again. She said of course I don't want to talk about them since my husband was cheating on me with 2 different women. I angrily corrected her. She has no reason to think my husband is cheating, and I trust him and our friends. Just because she thinks her boyfriend cheats, and she cheats, that doesn't mean everybody does. She then said we could talk when I calmed down and after I quit my job.
After hanging up, I proceeded to block Wendy on everything! Facebook, phone calls, texting, face timing, Instagram, and even Snapchat (which I hadn't used in over a year). I also blocked her mom, and any body that had been friendly simply because Wendy knew them and wanted me to have their information too. I gave her no warning at all. I was beyond passed off, and refused to be talked out of my very gratifying decision.
I told my husband, family, and friends that was now free of Wendy. Not a single person tried to tell me to make ammends. The only guilt that I feel is towards those poor kids. For once though, I put myself first. Joy and Angelface were both extremely supportive when I told them that I had Ghosted Wendy. Both even mentioned how proud they were of me for FINALLY truly stand-up for myself. They were NOT fans of Wendy!!!
I never ended up quitting my job with Joy and Mr. Cool inorder to babysit Wendy's neighbor. I also continued to babysit for Angelface and Nice Guy.
About 7 or 8 months ago, I ran into Wendy at a playground between our two homes. She was with now G5 and B2. I had Joy and Mr. Cool's daughter with me. I was polite, almost obscenely so. I was friendly towards the kids, who were stand off-ish. I offered to let Little Miss play with them, but they weren't interested. Little Miss wanted to do her own thing, so off we went to play. We left after only 15 minutes because Little Miss said "that lady" is scaring her.
That night, my husband got a Facebook message from Wendy. She described my cruelty towards her kids by ignoring them. She said that it was so hateful that I blocked her on everything after all she had done for us. This message went on and on. My husband left it unread for months before my morbid curiosity caused me to open the silly thing. We never responded, but instead he finally bl9cked her too.
Ok, if you read that bloody novel of a post, you are a ROCK STAR!! I don't have any regrets towards my eventual choice, except towards the kids. It breaks my heart knowing what kind of parents they are enduring. I often regret not calling CPS, but there isn't a shadow of doubt that would have retaliated .... most likely violently.
I did eventually get back in contact with that very first Nanny family. They had indeed broken up, but both are happier and healthier now. I warned them that Wendy enjoyed gossiping and spreading rumors about them. Neither were surprised, and both had broken contact with Wendy long ago. They supported my choice to break ties with her as well. Shocking, right!?!
I no longer work full time for Joy and Mr. Cool, as they wanted Little Miss to get used to being around more kids before starting school. I do still sporadically babysit for them and Angelface and Nice Guy though. The two couples have referred me to several other families in the neighborhood, so I stay pretty busy with much more sane individuals.
Maybe I was an A-Hole, and petty. I'm cool with being thought of that way towards Wendy. At least now, I have much kinder people in my life.

Fair Warning, this is going to be a LONG post, but I will try to dilute it as much as possible.
About 12 years ago I left the world of retail (of which I have MANY stories) to begin a career in childcare. Some people prefer different titles, Nanny, Babysitter, Parents' Helper, Childcare Provider, etc. To be honest each of those titles are suitable in different situations.
The first family that I Nannied for went on for about 4 years, and then on again off again for another year. Through this family, I met "Wendy" and her family. Wendy went out of her way to be friendly with me, and would often ask me to babysit her kids (B5 and G1).
At one point, I had moved on to working with another family for a few months. Sadly, that ended due to the parents getting a divorce, and they moved further away.
Wendy found out that I was unemployed and asked that I Nanny for her kids. She was also pregnant with her 3rd at the time. I agreed at a slightly discounted rate because we were "friends". I realized too late that that was a HUGE mistake on my part.
Wendy's live in boyfriend "Cole" also had 3 kids from a previous relationship. B15, G8, and G6 lived with their mother. Yes, am aware of the closeness in age of Wendy and Cole' B5 and his G6. I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Now prepare yourselves for the Rollercoaster of emotions I dealt with with this family.
Initially, both Wendy and Cole were employed. I would come over 5 days a week for 8 to 10 hour days, depending upon whether Wendy got home on time. Here is where my discounted rate bit me in the butt.... $300 a week was still complained about. Wendy asked that I not leave Cole alone with their kids because he basically ignored them and refused to change diapers. I felt pretty icky about that, but agreed. Now I lived 45 minutes away without traffic. I would often leave my house early in anticipation of possible traffic. If I arrived early, I wasn't allowed in until she our alloted time of 7am. I didn't have a key, and would often be left waiting on the porch an extra 15 minutes past our time. If I knew I was too early, I parked around the corner and ate breakfast. Wendy and Cole both got very irritated if I wasn't their door precisely at 7 am. It was a headache that I chose to avoid.
Over the first month, I realized that G2 was emotionally abused by Wendy. She constantly said to or in front of the child how much she hated dealing with the wild child. How she wished G2 was more well behaved like B5. She even wrote unkind things on Facebook, asking someone to take her on the weekend while I was off.
This took a toll on poor G2, obviously. She would get violent with me first thing in the mornings : Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair, throwing things at me, or what ever popped into her mind. Eventually, once Wendy left for work G2 would calm down and become an absolute delight.
When B5 started school, Wendy took a new job that allowed her to work from home at times. Those were not fun days! I asked if I could bring G2 to my house where I have an outdoor play area, a playroom, plenty of kid movies, crafts, books, music, and local playgrounds. At first the car rides were torture with G2 screaming bloody murder for at least half of the 45 minute drive. When she got used to the new routine, those drives became pleasant. Her violent tendencies disappeared when we were spending the days at my home. The drawback was that I also had to drive her home in time to get B5 off the bus.
During school breaks, I also had B5, and if they were visiting G8 and G6. B15 stayed at Wendy's house and just did his own thing. If you thought G2 was torture in toddler form, these two girls would have made Nanny McPhee grow a few more moles, a hunch back, and closed feet.
B5 would get a little bored, being that he was the only boy that was understandable. I purchased an array of boy friendlier toys to entertain him. I already had a lot of girl friendly toys either purchased or gifted from the first family that I had worked with. Of course I had plenty of gender neutral items too.
Wendy and Cole didn't give 2 sh*ts and a shave if the kids watched TV all day, went out to a playground or museum, or were driven 2 hours away, as long as I got them home on time. I easily spent an entire paycheck on activities, gas, food (which they didn't pack), and toys over 2 weeks watching all 4 kids. By the by, when asked for additional money when I did have all 4, Wendy not so politely informed me that the kids are entertain each other, so my job should be easier with all 4.
My husband and I discussed a few times whether I should look for something else. Inevitably the people pleaser in me actually felt guilty even considering it. Yup, I was apparently a glutton for punishment. Gratefully, my income was just extra, for an nice meal out occasionally, gifts for birthdays and holiday, extra hobbies, and basic groceries.
Just before Wendy gave birth to their new baby, she became unemployed. Logically, one would think this was my easy out. NOPE!! I became more of a Mother's Helper / Nanny. At this point Wendy and Cole were beginning to look for a larger house to rent. I did more walk through than I can count. She even asked me to tour a couple without her, and to bring G2 and B5 so she could get her nails done and take a nap. (Seriously, I toured houses on her list without her!)
As we spent more and more time together, I began to learn FAR FAR more about her bedroom life than I could ever desire. G2 and I spent much less time in the peace of my home, and way too much in Wendy's company. G2's behavior began to deteriorate slowly, causing Wendy to lose her temper with her far too easily. This completely broke my heart. I TRIED to redirect them both, and expressed my concern to Wendy. Of course, she then turned her anger towards me.
Wendy would openly discuss her theories about Cole in front of her kids. She claimed that he was cheating on her with his ex because he would shower immediately after seeing her to pick up or drop off the kids. He often made those drives directly after work though. Maybe he was cheating, maybe not. I honestly don't know.
Wendy also enjoyed gossiping about absolutely anybody. The parents of the first family that worked with were having marital issues. This was a favorite topic of hers. Wendy told me about every unkind word her mother uttered in her direction. The apple obviously didn't fall far from the tree here. I was told lots of personal information about people I didn't know. The gossip made me very uncomfortable. I told her that I would prefer we not discuss the lives of people who weren't around to speak on their own behalf. This fell on deaf ears.
I became quite used to her disapproval of my loose fitting jeans and T-shirts. Working with kids, I found my favorite cartoon prints were just as possible with my tiny charges. I NEVER wear makeup or heels because I simply don't want to. My dresses always have leggings under them because it make me feel less vulnerable. I never wear shorts or above the knee skirts/dresses. That's a ME thing, not religious or cultural. I find my "uniform" of choice is ideal for working with kids. Wendy informed me more than once that it embarrassed her to be seen in public with me. She often insisted that I wear something of hers if we had to go anywhere.
My husband enjoys photography, particularly long exposure which is done at night. He has a lot of photography friends of both genders, but his best friend is a female. He also enjoys concerts and kayaking, often with an ex from high school. (He graduated in 1997). I trust my husband and have no problem with him spending time with his friends. Enter Wendy's whispers of accusations. She often "jokingly" accused him of cheating on me with these female friends. I don't enjoy concerts, crowds, or being out late; so I support his doing with people who do. At least I know he with someone if something happens. I have bad knees, which make getting in and out of a kayak difficult. Why should that stop him? Again, I told her that I trust him and that I don't appreciate her accusations joke or not. This annoyed her because she doesn't trust Cole.
I know these are major red flag issues. I know how toxic being subjected to these comments is. I also know how difficult it would be on their kids if I left too soon. I knew they needed someone who wasn't emotionally cruel. I stayed for them.
My husband and I spent 2 of our weekends helping them pack and move to house that ended up 15 minutes from us. We were thanked by words, but that was the extent of the gratitude. Wendy's mother looked after the kids while we helped them move. This was complained about because I was already paid to watch the kids during the week. Insert eye roll here!! Her mom felt my husband should be willing to help them move while I watched the kids on the weekend for no extra pay. Either way, we were doing them a HUGE favor to begin with.
A family that I had briefly Nannied for prior to working for Wendy asked if I could help out every other Saturday. The dad (Nice Guy) traveled a lot for work leaving the Mom (Angelface) home alone with the kids. She just needed a day to run errands, work out, and just have time to herself. Angelface is one of the kindest women on this planet. When I did Nanny for them (2 days a week), she was in tears when she had to let me go. They couldn't justify the outgoing money at the time. She referred me to several friends. I am legitimately friend with this family, and still babysit sporadically.
Through a random discussion, I told Wendy about working with Angelface on every other Saturday. She began to tell me what to charge, how many hours to work, and what days to leave open for her just in case. Insert headache inducing eyerolls!
One Friday, Wendy's cousin arrived for a weekend visit with her baby. Wendy told me that because it was a holiday weekend I would not be needed until Tuesday. I double checked via text, and she confirmed that she and Cole were taking the kids to the beach with her cousin. Monday morning I got a call from a passed off Wendy asking where I am. I reminded her that she had told me that they would not need me. I even took a screen shot of our text. She said that Cole had decided to work Monday anyway so she was alone with HER kids. This pissed me off, so I lied. I told her that I was out of town with my mom and wouldn't be home until 5 or 6 pm. She went on about how much of an inconvenience it was to her, and I should have checked before going out of town. For the second time, I sent her a screenshot of my text verifying that I wasn't needed Monday. She abruptly ended the call saying to just be sure to be on time Tuesday. I had NEVER been late, but opted to mention that as we hung up.
Over time we worked out a new arrangement where I brought now G3 to my house 2 days a week, and we stayed there 3 days a week. I helped with cleaning, errands, helped with the new baby (NB), etc. Mostly, I was Wendy's sounding board. She continued to accuse Cole of cheating, wasting money, and even beating her.
My husband and I offered to let her and the kids stay with us, but she declined. Wendy even told me that since she was so sure Cole was cheating, she was going to find herself a side boyfriend to cheat with. I tried to talk her out of it, to no avail. Sadly, she spoke openly about her new boyfriend in fron of G3. During one of her rants I learned that my pay came from him selling drugs. GULP!!
While cleaning out the couch one day, I came across a loaded gun kept in the couch console thing, along with baggies of pills, "dried plants", and white powder. This completely freaked me out. 2 small children and a soon to be crawling baby sat and played on and around that couch. I STRONGLY considered calling Child Pretective Services and the police. I quickly realized that if I did, they would know it was me. I regret it, but I feared their possible retaliation towards us.
Shortly after finding these thing Cole quit his job. For several months while I worked for them, they were both unemployed. Again, I thought it was an easy out. NOPE AGAIN! For another 3 months, they insisted that they couldn't take care of the house and kids without my help. Very often, I arrived to find now B6 fending for himself for breakfast and getting ready for school. He was told to wake up and unlock the door for me, but they went back to sleep. I was expected to keep the baby from crying, and to keep G3 quiet and entertained until they came downstairs. I often chose to simply take both to my house so we could play naturally. We had a crib, so this wasn't a problem for NB. G3 would just nap on the couch or my bed. When out of school B6 preferred this too. This really should have told Wendy and Cole something about their kids, but of course not.
FINALLY, I was informed after about a year of working for them, they could no longer justify paying me. At this point, I had often considered quitting anyway. I mainly stayed because my heart broke for the kids. However, based on her gossipy and judgmental nature ... not to mention my little 3 day weekend fail; I was concerned about what kind of reference Wendy would provide if I chose to quit.
So in 2019, I found myself happily unemployed. The timing here worked out beautifully because Angelface knew neighbors due to have their first baby in 2020. I ended up working for this lovely family until August of 2023. The mom (Joy) and the Dad (Mr. Cool) were such a relief to my entire mental and physical health. We became friends as well, and over time I told them about Wendy. Between Joy, Angelface, Mr. Cool, Nice Guy, my husband, and family I began to realize just hoe toxic Wendy really was to my mental health. My husband never liked her but understood my feelings towards the kids.
For almost a year Wendy would randomly call or FaceTime me .... more often than not while drunk. She would rave about how much she and the kids missed me. We would get together for a meal, and she had me over for a couple birthday parties for the kids. I found myself almost always being the only sober adult watching the kids as the adults partied. Wendy often went back to her gossiping, trash talking, and "jokes" about my husband spending time with women. She would offer underhanded compliments. "It's so nice to see you wearing a dress instead of those tacky T-shirts." You get the drift. She even INFORMED me that since her neighbor was pregnant I could quit my job with Joy and Mr. Cool. She had told her neighbor that I would work for her now, and since they were next door, I would watch her own kids too. I shut that down saying that I was quite happy working with Joy and Mr. Cool. I even lied about what they paid thinking it would detur her further. NOPE yet again. She said that I should quit anyway so her life would be easier with me around. Once more, I told her that wasn't going to happen.
AT LONG LAST, I am coming to the end of my tortuous endurment with Wendy.
A week later, she called and asked if I had quit yet. I said that I had no intention of leaving an "$800" a week job. (Not even close to that with my 3 day a week job, but she didn't need to know the truth.) She told me to let her know when I quit, then changed the subject towards gossiping about that first family and their problems. I told her that I don't feel comfortable gossiping about people who can't speak for themselves. That pissed her off, so she turned it on me again. She said of course I don't want to talk about them since my husband was cheating on me with 2 different women. I angrily corrected her. She has no reason to think my husband is cheating, and I trust him and our friends. Just because she thinks her boyfriend cheats, and she cheats, that doesn't mean everybody does. She then said we could talk when I calmed down and after I quit my job.
After hanging up, I proceeded to block Wendy on everything! Facebook, phone calls, texting, face timing, Instagram, and even Snapchat (which I hadn't used in over a year). I also blocked her mom, and any body that had been friendly simply because Wendy knew them and wanted me to have their information too. I gave her no warning at all. I was beyond passed off, and refused to be talked out of my very gratifying decision.
I told my husband, family, and friends that was now free of Wendy. Not a single person tried to tell me to make ammends. The only guilt that I feel is towards those poor kids. For once though, I put myself first. Joy and Angelface were both extremely supportive when I told them that I had Ghosted Wendy. Both even mentioned how proud they were of me for FINALLY truly stand-up for myself. They were NOT fans of Wendy!!!
I never ended up quitting my job with Joy and Mr. Cool inorder to babysit Wendy's neighbor. I also continued to babysit for Angelface and Nice Guy.
About 7 or 8 months ago, I ran into Wendy at a playground between our two homes. She was with now G5 and B2. I had Joy and Mr. Cool's daughter with me. I was polite, almost obscenely so. I was friendly towards the kids, who were stand off-ish. I offered to let Little Miss play with them, but they weren't interested. Little Miss wanted to do her own thing, so off we went to play. We left after only 15 minutes because Little Miss said "that lady" is scaring her.
That night, my husband got a Facebook message from Wendy. She described my cruelty towards her kids by ignoring them. She said that it was so hateful that I blocked her on everything after all she had done for us. This message went on and on. My husband left it unread for months before my morbid curiosity caused me to open the silly thing. We never responded, but instead he finally bl9cked her too.
Ok, if you read that bloody novel of a post, you are a ROCK STAR!! I don't have any regrets towards my eventual choice, except towards the kids. It breaks my heart knowing what kind of parents they are enduring. I often regret not calling CPS, but there isn't a shadow of doubt that would have retaliated .... most likely violently.
I did eventually get back in contact with that very first Nanny family. They had indeed broken up, but both are happier and healthier now. I warned them that Wendy enjoyed gossiping and spreading rumors about them. Neither were surprised, and both had broken contact with Wendy long ago. They supported my choice to break ties with her as well. Shocking, right!?!
I no longer work full time for Joy and Mr. Cool, as they wanted Little Miss to get used to being around more kids before starting school. I do still sporadically babysit for them and Angelface and Nice Guy though. The two couples have referred me to several other families in the neighborhood, so I stay pretty busy with much more sane individuals.
Maybe I was an A-Hole, and petty. I'm cool with being thought of that way towards Wendy. At least now, I have much kinder people in my life.

I see this topic is covered a lot here, but boy did that flush freak me out. I only took 100 mg. I probably would have coasted through it having read about its commonality online, but I did have a very rapid heartbeat, and that nearly drove me to the ER. It's possible the rapid heartbeat was simply due to anxiety over the burning skin.
I'm not going to postulate on whether or not the flush is good for you - seems evidence/opinions from experts are to a degree mixed.
I took Niacin for its purported help with anxiety / intrusive thoughts. I certainly can stand to lower my LDL and increase my HDL as well.
I was rather intrigued to read it can allay schizophrenia symptoms and OCD.
My sister has schizophrenia with intrusive thoughts. I can sometimes get anxiety that borders on paranoia, though never with delusions or psychosis.
This is not the first time I've taken it, so it is rather confusing, although I only took it once or twice months ago. Today, I did not have a truly empty stomach, but I also wasn't super full. However I had taken a good 6 other supplements about an hour before, and this included 1000 mg of Flaxseed, and 1000 mg of Omegas. I wondered if perhaps these led to the effect.
At any rate, I suppose I just needed to express this as I'm still a bit shaken from the experience. What a trip that was - my whole body was bright red. It felt as though I had rubbed Serrano chiles all over my body, lol. Unbelievable!

I (19 m) am dating (18 f) a rich white girl. I grew up impoverished in a major US city living off food stamps with my single mother, and has been surrounded by a lot of folks who say the n-word without it being an issue. I also listen to a lot of rap music with it in it. I am not black, I am Romani, so of course I don't say it, but she gets uncomfortable when I listen to songs that use the n-word around her. I also wanted to show her Django Unchained but she said she wouldn't like it because they use the n-word so much. I asked her why and she said it makes her feel bad and she just doesn't like it. She never grew up around black people, or anyone of color (although I am noticeably mixed with South Asian (Romani) and she dates me). I just am confused as to whether this is a red flag that she could be racist or discriminatory in some way, but I'm not black so I feel like I don't really get to definitively say. She has commented that she doesn't like when white people say it either (obviously) but I still find it weird that she gets uncomfortable when black people say it.
Also, she is German, so if we are joking around she will call me misogynistic for messing with her (I promise she is joking) so then I will make hol0cau$t jokes because Romani people were killed alongside Jewish people, which she has gotten upset about and says "that's not the same thing" and gets angry. Am I crazy for that?

So Given that Steven Universe is about Light, I was of the impression that SU is about the spectrum of light through a Prism, with Red Orange Yellow Green Blur and Violrt (ROYGBIV).
My lovely partner is (pretty adamant and convincing) that the show is about CMYK, that is to say the diamonds are Cyan, Magenta, Yellow (K being black) from how pigments work.
I think that CMYK kind of contradicts how the show presents the gems & diamonds to be expressions of Light, i think ROYGBIV works better for this expression. CMYK seemingly presents Pink (magenta) to be of the same importance to Blue and Yellow which I don't think is presented through the show especially. I think if CMYK is the idea then it's not especially conducive to a congruent depiction of how the show works, with light & prisms and all. I have my own bias here but I think ROYGBIV gives depth to an already complex show. I also recognise that it's a cartoon so this whole discussion might be lightly pointless as there may be no great answer.
A personal (absolutely I will discuss this) theory is that Pink is a fabrication of White which Isn't on the colour spectrum which is why she (at least part of whyl isn't taken seriously by the rest of her diamond family.

I think this is a fairly obvious issue at the moment. Nissan and Andretti look very similar due to their dominant red/white colour schemes, and this also clashes quite a lot with Mahindra, with its red/gray colour scheme. Then we have Jaguar and Porsche whose colour schemes are dominated by Black/white, and just to make matters worse Porsche also adds in a dollop of red to confuse with the other cars with red.
There are some teams with fairly distinctive liveries, like DS Penske (shiny gold), McLaren with the bright orange, Envision with the vibrant green, and Maserati with the prominent blue colour. The remaining two (ERT and ABT Cupra) have very dull colours with nothing vibrant in them and at speed they are also difficult to tell apart. But the bigger issue is the teams at the front all have similar red/white or black/white liveries.
And while I am suggesting improvements, can I also ask FIA/Formula E to use the PROPER LOGOS of the Jaguar and Porsche teams in the driver list on the left?? The actual logos used are completely stupid and have such tiny font they might as well be for ants! And on top of that, both of them have tiny white text on a black background and it always confuses me which team is which there! The rest are relatively legible, but I would prefer if McLaren got rid of Neom's logo in the sidebar too, but I guess sponsor needs to get their air time, even if it is a teeny tiny logo.

I have been experiencing perioral dermatitis for the better part of a year and I thought that I should share my experience and my *current* remission, including the process of which I *healed* my perioral dermatitis.
Presentation:
I presented with a rash that was very red and bumpy around the perioral region, including the nasolabial folds, the tip of the nose (with only redness), the sides of my chin, and just under my nose on the philtrum.
The rash itself was very red, bumpy, and itchy. It felt as if I had a severe sunburn and felt raw, as if I had been blowing my nose for a week straight.
The rash began one day after using a new vitamin C serum, but I believe this is also when I was trialing nasal steroids for post-nasal drip. I can't remember exactly.
Diagnosis/Treatment process:
I initially felt that the use of betametasone (topical steroid) would help the rash and I had some on hand, as I believed it was an irritant reaction to the new vitamin C serum I had used (or that it burned my skin). The steroids temporarily resolved the rash. I discontinued the new vitamin C serum (and nasal steroids, as I didn't like them), but the rash returned. At this point, I knew it was perioral dermatitis and the steroids weren't a good course of action, so I discontinued this too unless it was extremely irritated to temporarily relieve the burning/ripping sensation.
I then saw a dermatologist, who agreed with me that this was perioral dermatitis. I was advised to discontinue the topical steroids and to refrain from heavy moisturizers, which I had already done, but the rash persisted.
I work at an allergy clinic and decided to complete cosmetic patch testing to identify any potential contact allergens. Patch testing identified formaldehyde, propylene glycol, linalool, and gallates, of which are in almost every cosmetic I own.
I researched new cosmetics that I can use (as I am very into skin care) and found new cosmetics that were allergen free and safe for me to use, including my shampoo and conditioner(s), with the help of incidecoder.com (awesome website to find cosmetics free of specific ingredients).
The perioral rash resolved and the bumps, itchiness, and ripping sensation resolved after a week of my new skincare regimen. The redness slowly went down and it was as if everything was resolving.
After a month or two, the rash came back (though not as bad). I then decided to switch my toothpaste to a fluoride-free (and also SLS free by chance). This resolved the rash again, and it did not persist.
I did some work on a car part (that involved sanding, wearing a respirator, etc)., and my rash came back. I am also very allergic to thiuram, and I suspect that the mask had thiuram in it (also allergic to the epoxy in the clear coat, so that might have also played a role).
At this point, the rash was only really redness (which never really fully resolved) and a dehydration line in the nasolabial folds, but I did not have any itching, burning, or any visible bumps.
Over time, the rash subsided again. Except, now, every time I apply skin care (even ones I am not allergic to), I develop pin-sized red bumps all over the perioral region that look like tiny pimples (white top), though unpoppable. However, this occurs immediately after application of some skin care products (though not consistent; sometimes my cleanser, sometimes toner, sometimes moisturizer, etc), and then resolves within 30 minutes. This suggests to me that it is an irritant dermatitis and not an allergic reaction to my cosmetics.
Currently, I hypothesized that my previous perioral dermatitis, due to allergic reaction, fluoride, steroids, and/or thiuram, etc., compromised my skin barrier and I am now dealing with an irritant dermatitis.
I have removed all actives from my skincare regimen (was exfoliating every few days/twice weekly), removed treatment serums (i.e., THD ascorbate/vitamin C, niacinamide, etc), and decided to focus on repairing my skin barrier.
My current skincare regimen:

1. Farmacy/Clean it Zero cleansing balm (at night)
2. Dermalogica ultracalming cleanser (at night)
3. Anua heartleaf 77 soothing toner (morning and night)
4. Skin 1004 Hyalu-cica hydrating serum (morning and night)
5. Skin 1004 centella ampoule (morning and night)
6. Peter thomas roth Water Drench Hyaluronic Cloud Rich Barrier Moisturizer (morning and night)
7. Supergoop Unseen screen (morning)
8. A thin layer of penaten diaper rash cream all over the nasolabial folds, cheeks, and chin area (at night).

Following this regimen, I have had a full remission of my rash, including the redness and the dehydration lines are beginning to subside. I have been on this regimen for just under a week now.
Moral of the story,

1. Remove fluoride, steroids, and the common perioral dermatitis triggers from regimen.
2. Check for contact allergens. Almost all "hypoallergenic" or "allergen-free" products that I have found contain my allergens, as propylene glycol is not a common "allergen" in cosmetics.
3. Focus on repairing skin barrier and hydration.
4. Apply zinc barrier cream at night and/or in the morning if rash is particularly bad.

It may also be helpful to investigate for nutrient deficiencies. During this time, I also had dry, flakey skin (especially over my forehead/eyebrows) that I had considered was as fungal reaction; however, it was resistant to both moisturization and topical clotrimazole (anti-fungal cream). I was then found to be extremely vitamin D deficient, and the dryness/flaking went away with regular vitamin D supplementation!
Photos:
1-2. When my rash was its most symptomatic

1. Cut out allergens, rash was beginning to settle.
   
2. Rash gone, but left with extremely dry and flakey skin.
   
3. Rash/irritant dermatitis immediately following application of any skin care product
   
4. My skin 5 minutes ago, with a skincare regimen focused on barrier repair, void of known contact allergens, and applying zinc barrier cream at night time.
   

I hope that this may be of benefit to someone!

Hi All! I'm a Level 10 Worrier and I am so in love with my new chicks! We have 7 new ladies who were hatched on April 16. They eat super well, they're gentle and sweet, they are great fliers (uh-oh!), they roost on their anti-roost cone, and they generally seem very healthy and happy.
However, they're kind of dirty. I change their bedding 1x a day with completely new fresh straw (they were on shavings but we've switched as we have bales readily available at home). I haven't given them a dust bath but I wanted to. However, I started worriyng that they might pick up something from our outside dirt? We have 3 2 yo chickens already and I always worry about worms (although we deworm with a rotating dewormer 2x a year). Do I need to buy a bag of dirt from home depot for this purpose? Or should I stop worrying and give them some of the dirt they'll be living in in a few weeks? (Their butts are not dirty, it's mostly their wingtips).
If it matters/is interesting, we have Pearl White Leghorns, Red Star, and Whiting True Green. Thanks for any advice

I just graduated elementary school, and I got my first kiss from my friend from school I’ve known since kindergarten. I just found out that my other crush (I have a crush on a news reporter, don’t make fun of me) has a friend but he kissed her on the cheek… um.. hello!? Are you guys just friends, I’M SO JEALOUS!!! (For ur information…) My pfp is a drawing of me and my news reporter crush kissing… little you know, that was the picture where he kissed that other girl! I just wanna love him! I can’t even go a day without seeing his face… and his smile and eyes, OH MY GOD… I’m gonna explode 🤯. He’s just too cute… I need him so badly… ahh! I had 5 dreams of him for the past 4 months! I had a dream where we kissed in some random palace in London, the 2nd one was when we kissed outside of a H-E-B parking lot, the 3rd one was when I kissed the TV screen when he was on tv, the 4th one was where we kissed in Moscow on a balcony at night wearing cozy clothes, and the 5th one was when we danced under the Christmas tree in the White House when the White House was closing down at midnight and we danced to “lady in red” by Chris de Burgh. That’s how much I love him, so don’t mess with me! And my dad yelled at me like a ww2 soldier at me, don’t ask why… but it made me cry for an hour, and my mom was calming me down. My dad is very strict and he doesn’t believe that I have PTSD and childhood trauma from him, he just doesn’t give a shit about how I feel bout him. I called the depression phone number and they gave me advice to calm me down, I was in the closet alone with nobody, just me on the phone with some stupid person in the line. My life is so sad, I know this is life, but my life just started, I only lived in this world for 12 years and people say in YouTube shorts, they say that the world is ending next year, can those bitches just leave my life alone and let me have a good life?! I have a news reporter crush and a crush at school!!! They still don’t give a shit bout me, I commented “Fake” on the post and one guys said “They are scientists, they are not wrong.” THEY DON’T GIVE A GODDAMN SHIT ABOUT ME! THEY WANT ME TO DIE!!! Get me out of this world! NOW! My dad is strict, my news reporter crush I had is broken now, people want me to die, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE EVERYONE, EXCEPT FOR MY CRUSHES, THATS IT, YES BITCH… THATS IT!! JUST GIVE ME SOME HAPPINESS!!! 🖕🏻💔😖😭

Son 8.5 M, 45 lbs has abdominal pain since February. He doesn't go to school and stays in bed most of the time. It happened before but not as severe and went away after a month or so. We realize we need to wait longer for Amitripltyne to work but we are concened that he has rear good days (hours) and in bed most of the time. Normally he is a bright, fun and social boy and now doesn't leave his bed. Could this be something not tested for?
Current Outpatient Medications
famotidine 40 MG/5ML Recon susp - Take 2 mL (16 mg) by mouth at bedtime
gabapentin (Neurontin) 250 MG/5ML Solution Take 3 mL (150 mg) by mouth twice a day

hyoscyamine 0.125 MG Tab - does not help

amitriptyline 10 mg Tab - full dosage started May 2nd, makes him agressive

Medical History Summary:
8.5 years old has been constipating for many years. He has been diagnosed with encopresis in 2021. Ever since he was diagnosed with encopresis He was on MiraLAX .5 to .75 cup twice a day. This helped him to control his constipation. During all this time except for approximately a few weeks he was soiling his pants almost daily. He was also frequently complaining about abdominal pain. Per doctor’s recommendation we were reminding him to sit on the toilet after each meal. Feeding him with homemade meals and we try to limit processed food. We did physical therapy and psychologist therapy. He has a toilet foot stool and seat.
About 1 year ago (January 2023), a bowel cleanup was performed per Max’s pediatrician recommendations. One cupful of MiraLAX was given every 3 hours. (No fasting or clear food diet was recommended)
During that time evacuated lots of poops with diarrhea content. We did not achieve the yellow fluid and stopped after a couple of days. Since this cleanup Max experienced severe abdominal pain for about a month.
Per GI doctor recommendation, we were no longer doing cleanup to avoid severe abdominal pain. Instead, Max was back on his MiraLAX dose .75 cup twice a day with fiber gummies 4mg a day.
He has good apetite most of the time, except after a dose of Exlax. His stool was always help soft over these years.
Notes from GI visit April 22nd - Today he has more guarding, mild distension and tenderness. I can't tell if he has a surgical abdomen (ie volvulus, appendicitis) but it is not associated with vomiting or eating. His most likely diagnosis is abdominal migraines (abdominal pain and headaches) and anxiety at this point, but the pattern has been consistent without as much good days. Activity makes him worse, and we have considered ACNES as well. He has had multiple cleanouts, and the periodic soiling could be from inattentiveness. Perhaps this is from constipation, but should rule out surgical abdomen at this time. We had a long conversation today about abdominal migraines, but upon repeat exam, it is still quite guarded. Pain is daily / off and on. Has had 2 good days in last 3 weeks Appetite is good except when pain is high. No vomiting. Stooling daily with miralax. Sleeping well.
UPPER Endoscopy Diagnosis
A. Duodenum, mucosal biopsy:- Duodenal mucosa with no pathologic change. B. Duodenum, bulb, mucosal biopsy:- Duodenal mucosa with a small lamina propria lymphoid aggregate. C. Stomach, antrum/body, mucosal biopsy: - Antral-and oxyntic-type gastric mucosa with focal features of mild reactive (chemical) gastropathy. D. Esophagus, distal, mucosal biopsy: - Squamous epithelium with rare intraepithelial eosinophils (up to 2 per high-power field). E. Esophagus, proximal, mucosal biopsy:- Squamous epithelium with rare intraepithelial eosinophils (up to 1 per high-power field).
The overall findings are nonspecific. The esophageal findings do not meet threshold numerical criteria for a diagnosis of eosinophilic esophagitis. Reflux related changes are favored. Clinical correlation is recommended.

CT ABDOMEN PELVIS W CONTRAST

Narrative

IMPRESSION:Normal appendix. No CT evidence of inflammatory changes in the abdomen or pelvis. Moderate stool burden in the colon.NarrativeINDICATION: o appendicitis/abscess - GI requesting CT d/t guarding/distensionEXAMINATION: CT ABDOMEN AND PELVIS WITH CONTRAST - CT Abdomen And Pelvis W/ Contrast InjectionTECHNIQUE: Multiple axial images were obtained of the abdomen and pelvis following IV contrast. A radiation dose optimizationtechnique was used for this scan. DLP: 29.8 , CTDI vol: 0.63IV Contrast dosage and agent: 63 mL of Isovue 300Oral contrast: Administered.COMPARISON: None.____________________________________________FINDINGS:LOWER CHEST: Lung bases are clear without any infiltrate. No pleural effusion noted. There is no cardiomegaly or pericardialeffusion.LIVER: The liver has a homogeneous density. No focal masses noted. There is no intrahepatic biliary ductal dilatation.GALLBLADDER AND BILIARY TREE: No calcified gallstones. No gallbladder distension or wall edema. No intra- or extrahepaticbiliary ductal dilation.PANCREAS: No focal cystic or solid mass. There is no pancreatic ductal dilatation or peripancreatic fluid.SPLEEN: Normal size without focal cystic or solid mass.ADRENAL GLANDS: Normal.KIDNEYS AND URETERS: Both kidneys have a normal enhancement without hydronephrosis, renal cysts, masses or perinephric fluid.There is no hydroureter.PERITONEUM: No ascites or free air. No other fluid collection.BOWEL: No abnormal dilatation of the bowel loops is noted. Contrast is noted in several nondilated small bowel loops and in thecolon up to the splenic flexure. Moderate stool noted in the colon, including the rectum. Terminal ileum is visualized andappears normal. A normal caliber partially contrast filled appendix is seen in the right lower quadrant. A few scattered foci ofair also noted in the appendix. No adjacent inflammatory changes are seen. The appendix is best visualized on axial series #2,images 58-69/139.LYMPH NODES: No enlarged mesenteric or retroperitoneal lymph nodes.VESSELS: Vasculature appears normal. No stenosis or aneurysmal dilatation noted.URINARY BLADDER: Appears normal without wall thickening, mass or trabeculations.REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS: No pelvic masses.ABDOMINAL WALL: No discrete abdominal or pelvic wall hernia.BONES: No lytic or blastic abnormality.
Blood tests - Collection date: April 30, 2024 11:08 AM
Lactase 13.9 Normal value: >=14.0 nmol/min/mg Prot
Sucrase 51.0 Normal value: >=19.0 nmol/min/mg Prot
Maltase 201.3 Normal value: >=70.0 nmol/min/mg Prot
Palatinase 15.8 Normal value: >=6.0 nmol/min/mg Prot
Glucoamylase 24.2 Normal value: >=8.0 nmol/min/mg Prot

Sed Rate 9

Ferritin 24.7

C-Reactive Protein < .5

Lead, Venous, B <.1

White Blood Count 5.98

Hemoglobin 14.7

Mean Cell Volume 81.8

MCHC 34.5

Platelet Count 302

Red Blood Count 5.21

Hematocrit 42.6

MCH 28.2

RDW 12.4

MPV 8.8

Segmented Neutrophils (ABS #) 2.35

Final Absolute Neutrophil Count 2.35

Lymphocytes (ABS #) 3.8

Eosinophils (ABS #) 0.05

Immature Granulocytes (ABS #) 0

Monocytes (ABS #) .47

Basophils (ABS #) .03

Add: he has headaches on the right side and sensativity to light, not sure how often but at least several times a week.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Hello.. new to the group. Sorry about the upcoming novel I'm about to write and thank you in advance to anyone who reads the whole thing..
So.. it's for June 7th. The waiting list was over 2 years so I could've sworn they forgot about me. Got the call at the end of November '23 asking if I still wanted to take the test.. and today the call to schedule it.
I'm an emetophobe and I'm scared of the prep. I'm also extremely anxious about the results that will come after.
What prompted me to get a test was I had rectal bleeding for about.. 6 to 9 months straight daily. I even farted blood.. all red. No pain or any other symptoms. It eventually went away and never came back. When I was hospitalized for a different issue, I asked a doctor about it to which she just replied it was hemorrhoids. Which.. I dunno. It had been going on for like 6 months by that point. So I reluctantly went to see my GP and was put on the waiting list.
So now here we are.
I'm so.. particular about what I put in my stomach. I have an issue with textures and I worry about failing to do the prep. But because of the bleeding, and its been years since that, I really need to get this done. I'm not scared of the exam itself as we usually get sedated.. just the prep and results itself.
I'm hoping that it's just diverticulosis..? As my mother has it rampant in her system and my sister once had diverticulitis so I'm guessing I might have it as well. But.. they never bled like I did. And I'm terrified as to what's going on with me. I already have a lot of health issues so I tend to be a hypochondriac. The unknown is terrifying.
And the prep.. I've been trying not to have panic and anxiety attacks just thinking about it.
What would you say is the easiest prep for someone like me? Who has an issue with textures and whatnot. Maybe even flavoring. I'm a massively picky eater so I never do well with trying new things. Do you have any suggestions?
Another random question is.. has anyone here had prolonged rectal bleeding and not have pre-cancerous polyps? Something.. anything to give me some kind of hope that it could be something else.
Thankfully, other than IBS-D and abnormal bowel issues, I don't have any other notable issues. And no weight loss that one associates with cancer. But.. colon cancer is a slow cancer so.. doesn't mean I'm quite off the hook.
Anyway.. I'm rambling. Does anyone have any advice for me? Experiences? Words of wisdom or encouragement? That maybe someone had rectal bleeding and were okay..? Which prep is easiest to take..?
My brain is all over the place, how insanely anxious I am. Doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Thank you for any and all contributions you may have.. I truly appreciate it.
Edit: Fixing grammar mistakes.

I'm in Dallas, Texas, and I have a red oak that is right up against my property fence and next to my patio (see photo). While the lower branches provide some nice shade for my neighbor and I, there are a lot of dead branches that need to be cut out. The estimator from the tree company also noted a white fungus at the base of the tree (see 2 more photos). I acknowledge that the tree was originally planted too deep (before I got here), the mulch was too close to the tree (my bad), and the constrained location is probably stressing the tree a lot (not much I can do about that). But I have a decision to make: trim the dead wood and hope the tree can survive, or cut it down to a stump (there's no way to dig it all out).
The estimator called her company's arborist, who said there is no way to treat the tree for the fungus, but could not say for sure if the dead wood is caused by the fungus. It was not obvious that the tree is so rotted out as to be unsafe. I'd prefer to trim and save the tree, but if there is really no way to save it, I'd just remove it now.
My question for the sub: what fungus do you think this is, and what would you do in my situation? (FWIW, trimming is about $600, and removal is about $2,000).
https://preview.redd.it/d1wbfq4ek90d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3016d435717be2d6186c647ed2743f404e152885
https://preview.redd.it/8yfyi94ek90d1.jpg?width=2865&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8fff2834c8c2dd7d547a99f47f5db93ebd78486c
https://preview.redd.it/fcjgcpgek90d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9e3b1b3bde58cfed863e47b677de3c519bdec67e

Hello! Please, whoever has the patience to read would help me enormously, as I have been suffering for 7 months. Sorry for bad english!!! I'm only 18 years old, I don't want my life to end or be like this. I had my first panic attacks around October 2023. I didn't know how they felt, I had them from calcium drops but they manifested differently. I went to the psychiatrist where I received Serlift 0.5 mg per day, but after 5 weeks I abandoned them because I could hardly tolerate them, I had nausea, constantly dilated pupils, imbalance, etc. On top of that, I also had swallowing difficulties which were quite rare but became more and more frequent. In December, I had already reached the point where I could no longer swallow solid food, and in January (2024) I started not being able to feed myself even with mashed things, purees, etc. I was eating somewhere around 2-3 teaspoons of soup per hour, somewhere around 2 bowls of clear soup. I went to a gastroenterologist where they did a digestive endoscopy, without a biopsy, and there was a wound caused by acid on the esophagus at the bottom, so their diagnosis was reflux + a hiatal hernia. I received treatment with Nexium (one pill in the morning) but I did not feel any improvement. At the same time, I went to the ENT because I felt like I couldn't breathe and they said that I have hypertrophic chronic rhinitis, which doesn't go away, so if it continues like this I will have to have laser surgery, it's quite an easy operation and minimally invasive, but they are worried back the nasal turbinates. The difficulty in swallowing decreased for a while, but it appeared again, stronger that I could not even swallow saliva and water without drowning. I then went to the doctor in Cluj where they redid my endoscopy and manometry. The manometry came out normal, but at the endoscopy, this time with a biopsy, I had reflux esophagitis. I received nexium treatment in the morning and in the evening and in addition to that I also did acupuncture and everything is almost back to normal, I still have a difficulty with bakery products and with seeds, meat. Rather, the problem remained that I feel how it slowly flows down my throat, but it's ok. During the investigations I went to the lungs and the heart. They discovered adult asthma in my lungs (I didn't have asthma as a child but I had many pneumonias) and since then I received treatment with foster and an antihistamine in the evening (Aerius). I felt that I was breathing hard (that I was inhaling hard), but I quickly understood that this is also anxiety, because many times my oxygenation was good. I haven't given up smoking since I have asthma, I've reduced it but now I want to quit because I feel that it's hard to EXPIRE the air outside, or I feel that when I want to inhale, I exhale. Or when I exhale deeply forcefully (because I have to force myself) I feel a pressing pain like a punch between the chest and the neck but rather towards the neck. The therapist said that these are NOT signs of anxiety, but the doctor I go to knows my problems with anxiety and often leaves it to her. I went to the heart because I had low blood pressure, but I also had anemia and that was also a cause (I have a very white face and palms). He said it could be a sinus tachycardia. But more recently, I feel as if my left breast is trembling or aching. The problem with breathing worries me the most, I'm afraid that there might be some hidden pneumonia. I had lung x-rays almost 2 months ago, but then I did NOT have those symptoms. I'm not saying that it's not possible for something to have appeared in such a short time? I keep thinking why do I have these moods? The therapist says that she does NOT think it's anxiety because even in the neurofeedbeek device (the one that measures the stress delta wave) I have low waves after the therapy. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to live my life because I don't have any worries or stress. If this time too everything looks good on x-rays and ultrasounds, what tests should I do? What lack of minerals/vitamins or what deficiency can cause such ugly conditions? Note: I think I know how to explain batter. I feel like i keep the CO2 in my lung instead of letting it go out.