Virtually paint my car

I have a painting that I don’t know what to do with.
Hello some relevant info I’m R now 23 year old female. I dated K now 26 year old male for 2.5 years, broke up June 2023. Anyway In that 2.5 years I went to college got two degrees and got a job at a prestigious research institute. As a gift my exs grandma C let me pick out a painting from her studio. She is an amazing painter like sells her art for thousands of dollars painter. I picked one out and it still hangs in my house post break up.
I’m moving across the USA and can only take what I can fit in my car, this painting did not make the cut as it is moderately sized and takes up lots of space. C said very seriously that if any of her art ends up in the goodwill bins she will haunt us. Donating it is not an option I may not believe in ghosts but I believe in karma, good vibes etc and doing right by this artist. If I tried to store it at my parents or relatives it would likely be damaged or sent to goodwill. I genuinely just want to do what is right by this artist. Should I return it to her? And if so what should I say? Any advice would be appreciated! Sorry if this is stupid I just need an outside view.

A couple years ago when everyone was still working from home full time, I parked my car and basically did not drive it for a good 2 months. I eventually came back and noticed that the tree I had inadvertently parked under had dropped sap all over the car and over those 2 months had eaten through the paint right to the metal. I quickly use bug/sap remover to get rid of all the remaining sap, but there was very obvious damage to the paint with many small dots of exposed metal on multiple panels.
Fast forward to today...life has gotten busy and I have not taken care of the missing paint yet. Yes, this is my fault - I should have used touch up paint or something to cover it up back when it happened, but I did not. I am not interested in getting it professionally painted. The car is just not worth that much to justify the cost. However, I would like to do something to make it marginally better. I've gotten the basic supplies like touch up paint, fine grit sand paper, rubbing compound, polish, etc. already. My challenge now is that due to the length of time that the metal has sat exposed, there is very obvious evidence of rust.
What should I do about the rust? Just paint over it? Sand it first? Apply some type of protectant before painting? The rust is just in the small dots where the sap ate away at the paint. The maximum diameter is probably something like a quarter inch and the smallest are barely noticeable so whatever I apply to the exposed metal will likely touch the surrounding paint.

-Jack
Every kid growing up in Gympie in the early 90- 2000s knew about the Love Tunnel.
The love tunnel was located over the hill from the skatepark on the Riverbank. It was a massive storm water drain filled with spray paint and lore unbound throughout the generations; the glowing dick, whose name is the furthest in, the people who live inside, the bull shark that lived under the bridge just outside, all that fun stuff.
It collapsed in the late 2000’s in a flood and was eventually rebuilt, but it was all fancy, modern, safe and not the same. Back in the day it had decades of graffiti, crumbling cement, jagged metal pole framing bent and jutting out from the sides. You know, real character.
I remember when I was just a kid at the skatepark and I spotted a bunch of other kids at the metal grating of a drain. I joined them and gazed down a few metres to some older teenagers, they had trekked through this “love tunnel” under the massive hill all this way. Badass I thought. LEGENDARY.
I talked about it at school, about this mysterious “love tunnel”. It was in view from the road when I crossed the bridge everyday on my daily commutes from the backseat of mums car.
I would gaze down at the weir and see the top of the love tunnel, sliightly hidden from view by a hill. It fascinated me.
I learned all these mysterious tales; this person slept with this person there, someone took a dump at the entrance and some other girl stood in it and now she had a nickname, someone found needles, another found a homeless woman and she screamed at them. I was pumped for the next weekend. I was going to go see it for myself.
I saw too much.
Early Saturday morning I was riding my push bike through town and toward destination adventure! I started out at the skatepark, met up with a few of the regulars, a mix of 5-19y/o everyone on the half pipes and ramps had a code of comrady that I've never found in a public place anywhere else and you always had someone to hang with.
My usual crew slowly arrived through the morning, a bunch of other 10/11 year old misfits like myself and we headed on our first place on our journey, Hungry Jacks. Now we never technically stole, we found a loophole…
One or two would order a stunner meal, then we'd take privilege of the free refills and fill up the empty plastic 4L juice jugs that we all had prepped in our backpacks. Coke and red Fanta for days.
So we got our supplies and headed behind HJ, past the volleyball courts and headed down a bush track down to the river.
We walked along the banks to loop back down to where the bridge was, we passed a few teenagers fishing and a couple other groups of kids swinging from rope swings into the water or huddled in groups smoking things they shouldn't.
We eventually arrived at the weir and the stormwater drain that I had been so intrigued by. The Love Tunnel.
Climbing up the hill and seeing it up close when you were just a tiny human. It was like staring into the dark abyss of hell.
There was a small stream of water flowing out of the big grey cylinder and it was covered in multicolored quotes and crude pictures that was very eye opening at the time.
Our voices echoed as one by one we climbed up the grassy, eroding clay edging that was the makeshift path into the mouth that probably changed each time it rained. Each of us had pulled out clumps of grass that we thought were handholds. If you fell, you fell down an embankment of slippery jagged rocks poking out from the fast flowing river.
So were inside and began to walk a couple of metres in then around us the light abruptly disappeared into complete darkness. And I remember the way the sounds traveled you could feel it through your chest it was mesmerizing.
I remember bravely stepping into the darkness and taking five or six steps in. That thick darkness was something else, I ran myself back to that entrance and light, heart pounding from the adrenaline.
This turned into a game of who could go in the furthest. This stopped when one of the boys screamed out from the darkness in pain.
He was back in the light teary eyed a few moments later wet on one side and feigning a laugh. He'd slipped down and cut open his knee, it was hilarious. We teased him saying he was going to get gangrene and leprosy and a myriad of other ailments we had no idea actually was.
We decided to bail, we forgot torches, we didn't plan that part out too well, and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon being little menaces.
We met the next day with a game plan, we had an array of various sized torches, from small ones that didn't do anything, one of those giant rectangle ones that was our main light source, a couple of handheld ones, one which flickered and the other stopped working before we even got into the tunnel.
We got in safely and tested out our torches and began walking into the unknown. It was pretty much the same as before, but there were strange things, old makeshift bongs, shopping bags, random shoes, a shopping trolley, a mattress that was all moldy and rotted. I still to this day do not understand how people managed to get that shit in there.
We passed a section where someone had thrown a can of red paint all over the walls, the amount of those ‘S’ symbols was more terrifying.
We saw light up ahead, we were passing our first grate. It was kind of daunting looking up towards it. Even getting on each other's shoulders we couldn't reach. There was an array of broken beer bottles and glass was everywhere, under the grate was a dead snake amongst some debris.
We had a debate whether to go further, we ended up going on at least until the next grate, we came to a fork, one seemed like a smaller offshoot so we stuck to the bigger side.
There were more offshoots and we came to a part where the big pipes split off into three under another grate. We gazed up hoping to get an identifier of our location, but all we could see was blue. We called out to see if we could get anyone's attention.
“Cooooweeee” we shouted in unison, the sound echoing in all directions.
We were laughing and having a grand time until something shouted back, something that still shakes me to my core to this day.
Some yobbo crackhead chick in her fifties with this ratty pink tank top that was all stretched half showing her saggy titties. “What the fuck you think you little cunts doing down here.” This chick screeched at us through her few teeth or something along the lines of that. She just exploded at us with a barrage of threats.
We were shocked silenced moving together to make one mass.
One of the boys screamed when a skinny guy emerged from the darkness. He was covered in tattoos with scraggly hair and a beard, he was all crazy eyed and pantless.
Someone yelled out to run and it was all the motivation we needed.
We could hear them screaming and the guy ran after us, we heard glass shattering behind us, they must have thrown a bottle. We were legging it.
We got split up in our running, I fell down, tripping over some rubbish, one mate stayed back to help me, this left us without a torch. We came across the same kid who slipped over yesterday, he had slipped down again cutting open his other knee. He wore those with badges of honor at school, but he was blubbering like a baby at this point.
He had the flickering torch and it disoriented us more than helped, as it turned on and off every time he took a step. I thought we were lost but we found the other grate, then eventually the entrance.
The others were already climbed down, we were soon by their side panting in the grass and wiping away our tears so the others couldn't see.
We ran back over to the skatepark and immediately told every kid we saw.
That was the wildest shit we had ever experienced. Sure we’d seen crazy up on the street but to have it jump out at you from the shadows in a storm water drain was next level.
By that night one of the other boys had spilled to his parents about our escapades and a couple of other mums got phone calls, three got in trouble, two of us didn't, including me.
I never stepped foot back in that tunnel, I swam at the weir more times than I could count afterwards though and never encountered anyone else too sketchy.
I think only a year or two later I saw on the news people dying in storm water drains somewhere else in Aus, we never realized how dangerous they could be back then. Lol.
Every party or get together afterwards it was a crowd favorite to bring up. It was a good conversation starter and joined the tales amongst my friends of the weird shit that happens in ‘Helltown’.
Growing up and looking back they were probably just homeless drug addicts freaked out from a bunch of children's voices yelling out coooweee from the underground where they thought they were alone. That would have scared the shit outta me if I was them.
Good times.
.VJ
Tl:Dr kids go into storm water drain and find creepy couple who scream at them.

A couple years ago when everyone was still working from home full time, I parked my car and basically did not drive it for a good 2 months. I eventually came back and noticed that the tree I had inadvertently parked under had dropped sap all over the car and over those 2 months had eaten through the paint right to the metal. I quickly use bug/sap remover to get rid of all the remaining sap, but there was very obvious damage to the paint with many small dots of exposed metal on multiple panels.
Fast forward to today...life has gotten busy and I have not taken care of the missing paint yet. Yes, this is my fault - I should have used touch up paint or something to cover it up back when it happened, but I did not. I am not interested in getting it professionally painted. The car is just not worth that much to justify the cost. However, I would like to do something to make it marginally better. I've gotten the basic supplies like touch up paint, fine grit sand paper, rubbing compound, polish, etc. already. My challenge now is that due to the length of time that the metal has sat exposed, there is very obvious evidence of rust.
What should I do about the rust? Just paint over it? Sand it first? Apply some type of protectant before painting? The rust is just in the small dots where the sap ate away at the paint. The maximum diameter is probably something like a quarter inch and the smallest are barely noticeable so whatever I apply to the exposed metal will likely touch the surrounding paint.

Did a job for a client 10 years ago who is a painter. Roof/exterior needs restoration so I gave him a buzz using the number on his public Facebook business page. He came out a fortnight ago, had a look, quoted $9500 cash for the lot, I said sounds good.

• He texts asking for a 20% deposit, which I paid. ($1900)
• Maybe an hour later he asked if I can pay a little more, saying he is waiting for a woman's mortgage company to release funds to pay him. He said I didn't have to if I was uncomfortable. I pay a further $1000 (30% deposit)
• He texts yesterday saying his friend died over the weekend in a car crash and that's he's in another city currently comforting the family. I said ok, my condolences, why you telling me this? He said that he thought the job was to start Monday just came and I said no, it's Monday next week. He said sorry, mind all over the place, we are still on track, and asked if I could spare more deposit so he could help the grieving family who are waiting for the deceased's insurance to come through. Again, he said I didn't have to if I was uncomfortable, but I felt if I said no he could be resentful if he does do the job and do a shitty job in revenge. He suggested $500, I sent $300. He said thanks, and now the total is $3200 or the equivalent of a 33% deposit.

Looked him up with QBCC as bells started ringing. No current licence (previously held one), which I guess why he was keen to not give a paper trail, but it just adds to this uneasy feeling that perhaps there's red flags? He's also been done for unlicensed contracting before.
Now, you don't need a licence to paint your own house however legally a contractor must yet I have no doubt he'll do a good job (Facebook page is full of his work which looks superb, hasn't fled the city due to bad reputation and good reviews), but do I have right to be concerned? To be fair, the start date hasn't come and gone yet and if he doesn't it may be a pain to get the money back (small claims court, sure, but time consuming. Perhaps threat of QBCC report for: unlicensed contracting, excessive deposit, no contract, advertising where the fines themself would be far more than my $3200).
Am I being crazy or no cause for concern yet? If there is cause for concern, how should I approach this with him?
Cheers.

Hi all! I’ve been searching for a Celica GT-S 7th gen for awhile. About 7 years ago I owned an 2004 WRX. Test drove a 2011 WRX last year and it was okay, but not as fun as I hoped. Now, a clean Celica GT-S popped up a few hour drive away.
1) Hoping to get some feedback and price and the car. I’ve tried to research as best as I can. I’ll be looking at this next Tueaday and paid the owners a small fee to hold it for me till then. Seem like really nice people.
2) I just want a good reliable car to drive that is nice to look at and fun. How will it compare to a WRX? For the $10k asking price I wonder if I should consider a WRX or Miata. Though clean WRXs are also hard to find, and perhaps the Celica will be more unique and fun.
Asking price: 10k (talked on the phone and they seem firm)
Specs - Clean title - 2002 GT-S - No accidents (Clean VIN report) - Factory action package - Factory Silver - Stock except short ram intake - 2 owners (current owners are older folks, original owner put 35k miles on, current owners 60k miles since 2017) - Garage kept - Paint looks good (will determine paint and rust in person) - Leather seats w/ side airbags (side airbags are important to me) - Interior is in good condition w/ original stereo - Two interesting features I haven’t seen elsewhere: 2 sets of fog lights and 1 rear bumper light right under the lift gate, looks clean) - Comes with original wheels (poor condition) and new set of wheels
The car also comes with different Lotus badges and random Lotus flare. I’ve done extensive research to figure out if it was ever a thing that Lotus tuned a Celica, apparently the dealership 7 years ago told the current owners that Lotus made 50 of them. Sounds kinda hokey. I’ve found all the badges online for sale. Interestingly ChatGPT did say something about Lotus doing a special edition Celica, but my research seems inconclusive other than that. I don’t care much about the Lotus badges, I think someone just paid tribute to the Elise, doesn’t add or detract for me. Would be cool if it was tuned.
I may plan to do the ECU swap if I get it. Overall I really want a clean GT-S. I’m willing to pay for one, but does it seem a little high? Most GT-S I find are either trashed, or they’re still asking $8k and they’ve got $120k miles and not as clean as this one.

There’s a 2010 Lexus is350c ( convertible ) with 148,200km that is up for 19k cad. It has 2 claims in 2015/2016 both were minor damage, for one it was bumper and the other one was like paint and a small dent I think, these were 2k and 4k cad claims. No frame damage or anything of sort.
Overall the car is great. I test drove it and it works really well. No rust, cream clean interior & black exterior is clean. The pads/rotors need to be changed but that’s all, there’s a clicking sound when braking but the car drives fine.
He basically told me 17.8k cad with the pads/rotor fixed or 17.25k cad without the pads/rotor fixed. I do have a good mechanic that gives me a better price bc he’s my brothers friend.
Am I getting a good deal? Will this car last me a while?

Hi all, I know that Tesla isn’t well known for keeping to their estimated dates of any sort, delivery, release, etc but things are getting a little strange in my opinion and would like to check yours or see if you’ve had similar experiences.
Ordered the new MYP on April 18th, EDD was for April-May. Then got an update for May-June. Then June 27-30. June 28-30 - here I thought “ok, that’s that now being down to 3 days, great, I can start planning selling my car (took private plates off etc), scheduled a charge point install and so on”
Yesterday it updated to July 3rd-August 27th! Huge jump and date range and when checking website, it still states ED would be May-June when placing a new order… I know July 3rd is only a week later from 28-30/06 but I’m sure it will end up being end of August with next change as they start to narrow it down…
Why is my order being pushed like this? Is there an issue with new MYPs? Obviously it would be silly of me thinking I’d get the Juniper as the result hahah! but… :)
Is anyone else waiting on a new MYP and is getting their dates pushed like this?
Not sure if relevant but I ordered mine in the new Midnight Cherry Red colour - could there be issues with the paint maybe?

I have a 2022 3.3T Sport Prestige. The clearcoat on my wheels is starting to come off (as they seem to do). I am the second owner, so I wasn't sure they would be covered. After having read a few reddit post about warranty issues I was worried I was out of luck, so I dug through the warranty info in the manual and online. (See pics)
Warranty clearly states Paint coverage (New Vehicle items on the summary chart) is transferable and is covered for 3 years/36,000 miles.
The first person I talked to was in the service department and met me as I came in the door. I told her, my clearcoat was separating, and she asked if I was the first owner. When I said no, she said, "We usually don't cover the small stuff like that, for second owners, but you could talk to the sales guys to find out for sure."
I went to the sales guys and they said, they had no idea and that I should talk with the service manager. He was gone, so I called him the next day (after I found the warranty info). I explained the situation and he said, "Yeah, you still get that coverage. Bring it in, we'll take pictures and send them to Genesis to evaluate."
The day I got in, I was greeted by another service rep and explained to her the situation (which was on her notes from the appointment paperwork). Then she said, "Are you the first owner?", of course I said "No" and she said, "This is only covered for first owners". I responded, that I had already talked with the service manager and it IS covered for any owners for 3 years. She quickly followed with, "Well, we'll take pictures and send them in for Genesis to approve, and we'll let you know". I also mentioned, that I'd like the trim looked at, as it was looking hazy on the rear passenger side (oddly different from the other pieces).
When I got the call to pickup the car, the assistant service manager told me that Genesis was sending them 2 new front wheels (regardless of my curb rash - see pics). Also, said they would have to try and polish the trim, when I brought it back for the wheels. If the polishing doesn't work, they would order the trim and replace it. All at no cost to me.
So I got everything I wanted (or will get what I wanted). Just need to know who to talk to.
Also getting the engine fire recall work done in a few weeks, when they get those parts in. I asked if they had the tool to do that work without pulling the engine and they said they did. She (the assistant manager) also said she would schedule it when the better of their 2 Genesis techs was working.
I hope that helps you guys get what you deserve for your Genesis. Don't let the front desk make new rules. :)
Note: I live in Washington State. The manager did ask if it was purchased out of state and he looked it up and was able to tell where it had originally and recently been sold. Apparently in states that use salt or other harsh chemicals, they don't cover the wheels or maybe they are more stingy with coverage? Good luck!
Note 2: The worst curb rash was caused by me, the day after I made my appointment to get the wheels looked at. So, Genesis approved the replacement even with the curb rash. ( I am so paranoid of door dings, I have gotten too close on the right side and bit the curb.) Apparently the 1st owner did the same thing and then covered it up with touch up paint, but Genesis didn't care about any of that. I will be much more careful with the new wheels.

I was diagnosed stage 3 NSC Lung cancer almost four years ago (36 yo male). Family situation was/is My dad lives here in Ohio and so does my brother (34) . My sister (38) lives in Chicago. My mom lives in Florida it comes up here for the summers. I was always close with my family and coworkers before I was diagnosed. I had that overwhelming wave of support you get when everyone you know finds out your cancer. It was all phone calls, texts, and emails for the most part. My diagnosis wasn’t the best as the cancer had spread to my adrenal gland and lymph nodes. My dad really stepped up and he was my rock. I’m lucky I had him during that time. He drove me to chemo the first couple of treatments and sat in on the dr appointments as a second ear. I was going to be doing 5 rounds of chemo every three weeks and immunotherapy for 12. The chemo killed the tumor so they cut out the upper lobe of my right lung. Immunotherapy wasn’t great but I got through it.
I was incredibly happy that I survived it all and got back to work. However some things really bothered me such as my mom never came back home during my chemo. She came home for my lobectomy in November 2020 and visited me in the hospital and held my hand like I was her baby boy again when they removed all the breathing , catheters, and drainage tubes. When I got home I noticed phone calls and texts weren’t coming in. It also bothered me that my sister never came to see me and she’s about four hours away but not four days. My brother was in town and only came once during the year of treatment.
Another thing that bothered me is none of my coworkers would call or text during my time off. I really worried when I got a letter from my employer of ten years that I was terminated. It was a really tough time and I was on so much medication and my whole routine was sitting on the couch and watching YouTube. I slowly descended into a very dark place and became scared of going in public places because I thought people were staring at me because I looked so sickly and dying. My bank account was getting down to nothing and I asked for my old position back and luckily they hired me again. It was excruciatingly difficult physically and emotionally to sell cars that hot summer of 2021. I had heat stroke three months of being back and thought I was done. I was really sick and weak. I was miserable with so many things. When I did see my family I’m sure that attitude wore off and I soon was getting comments that I was too negative.
My kids mom hates me and was in cancer research and sent me this factoid sheet from the American Cancer Association that said my five year survival odds were 3%. She said I was wasting my time I had left. She fueled my fire to live just to prove her wrong but at this point my kid wanted me to die because he thought he’d get lots of life insurance money. Then I had to take custody unexpectedly of that same kid who wanted nothing to do with me. I was barely selling enough cars to keep my job and now had to take care of and raise a 13 year old with angst. That’s when my family truly disappeared and I think it’s because they’re worried my cancer would cone back then they’d have to care for my kid.
Fast forward to now and my son is reunited with his mom. His and my relationship has never been better after getting to spend 16 months living together. My health is I’m still alive obviously but my lungs are getting much weaker and my volume is shrinking and i also originally diagnosed late stage copd and have to take steroids to help me breathe. So my health is back on the downslope and my family is completely gone. My dad never calls or talks to me, and neither do my brother or sister. I see my mom once every couple of months when she’s home from Florida . We’ll go to Cracker Barrel and she’ll give me this half disgusted look and I get about 45 minutes of her time
I’m just sad that they’re gone but realized they’re kind of not the best family so I might be better. I truly believe they were looking at my custody and health situation as a hot potato so they all ran for the hills. Now with my breathing is getting more and more along with seizures it’s difficult and it’s real I’m going to die young and possibly soon. it’s really effecting my memory and stamina. I get confused and need naps. Its sometimes an insurmountable task for me to go greet a customer on the lot and begin the five hour process of selling a car and getting dirty looks from customers because I look like shit because well Ive been through some stuff. My sales are failing and they want me gone. I need health insurance and what little money I do make to support my son. Im worried all this financial, parental, and physical stress is going to bring back my cancer just because im stressed and just feel hopeless. I think of how I’ll die from COPD and how horrifying it seems to die that way. With my family gone and my coworkers wanting me gone I know it will be alone or at a state hospital with some hospice nurse I have no clue is. I don’t look for your pity but I’d like any advice you might have to how I can find solace in this lonely isolated place I’m trapped in. I’m angry at my family but I love them.I feel like I was supposed to die and even though I didn’t die then physically I died to them mentally. Maybe it’s too tough to watch someone you love struggle and know you’ll have to do it again
The only thing besides spending time with my son that really makes me happy is painting. During all of this I somehow found out I love to paint and since a June 2022 I’ve painted a couple of hundred paintings. Painting gives me hope.

hello ^_^ this is a throwaway acc because ive never actually used reddit before and i'm nervous about people knowing my identity, since the things im going to discuss give me a lot of anxiety. additionally, i'd like to say that if this is not the space to ask this, i completely understand and feel free to remove my post ^^ i just can't stand struggling with myself anymore, and if this isn't the space, could someone maybe direct me to somewhere else where i can discuss?
for the past ~four weeks or so i've been questioning if i'm a system. i completely acknowledge i may not be, but i'm struggling to find disorders that fit my symptoms, and i know the did/osdd spectrum is a varied experience. i am also aware you all are not mental health professionals and cannot diagnose me, nor know exactly what is going on in my head, but i suppose i'm just looking for advice. i'm a minor and currently do not have access to a therapist or mental health professionals. i live in an abusive household, and i have heavily suspected social anxiety and autism. obviously i am not diagnosed, but my experience heavily relates to these two, and people i know who are say its likely i have them. i have several friends who are systems, online and irl, and my partner is also one. ive caught myself sometime.. wondering what its like to be a system, for lack of a better word? sometimes it feels like im mentally glorifying it, which i correct as soon as i notice, because i understand did and osdd id a trauma disorder and can cause so much distress and disorder (hence the name) in someone's life. i've been doing a lot of research but i still feel unsure, and i've also talked to one of my sys friends about my experience, and they also said its possible, but also possible that i'm not. the main issue i have is memory loss. ive struggled with my memory since i was a kid and i always just labelled myself as 'forgetful', but all of my peers have told me its not normal, and the past few months its been really stressing me out. i frequently forget things people tell me, things i say or do, and sometimes why i am somewhere, although i feel that last one is a relatively normal experience; the 'walking into a room then forgetting why you're there' sort of thing. ive caught myself feeling like im on autopilot, lost in my own thoughts and being unaware of my surroundings, which sometimes makes me do nonsensical things until i sort of 'snap back into reality'- i've put salt into the fridge, thrown my tv remote into the garbage, ran into walls or doors or stubbed my toes too many times. sometimes i forget my meals for so long that i end up eating two dinners, then remember the next day that i had two dinners. just recently i made rice. i remember cooking it, and eating it, but the next day my mom asked me why i put the rice into the pots cupboard. i don't remember doing this at all. additionally, i am very very bad at time; i'll think something happened two months ago, then my friend will tell me its been a week. ive always been an extremely emotion-oriented person, so when i act out of the ordinary, i considered it mood swings. i'm a trans guy, so i thought hormones, or maybe its the autism, or maybe its a normal experience, but recently an incident happened where i was talking to my partner in a groupchat with a mutual friend and i told them some very passive aggressive things which i would normally never say and once i had calmed down and apologized for the ordeal i realized i didn't even know why i'd reacted that way. they hadn't done anything at all wrong and one of the main traits i'd say about myself is i rarely every get mad/angry, and when i do, i never express this to the people around me. several of my friends share this sentiment. due to the abuse in my household, sometimes i'll have a mental breakdown and cry for an hour, but then be completely fine afterward. the next day i almost forget the thing that upset me ever happened- meaning like, i know it did happen, and i know it made me upset, but it just doesn't feel like that big of a deal anymore, and i don't feel upset at all. its almost like, emotional amnesia, for lack of a better term. i don't feel any of the emotion i know i felt at all, and sometimes even find it hard to understand why i was upset in the first place. apparently this isn't normal, either.
the big thing that makes me believe maybe its not did or osdd is i don't often disassociate, or maybe i do? i can't really tell.. most of the time i feel its me piloting my body, if that makes sense, but i zone out a lot. something i do struggle with is knowing the world is 'real'; often it feels like im.. in virtual reality, or looking at a painting, or a screen or something, but i'm chronically online (online every moment i physically can be) so i connected it to that. sometimes when it gets late i do things i wouldnt normally do, but i believe thats also quite a general experience- sleep deprivation changing your behaviour. ive dissociated during traumatic events, which is a normal trauma response, but one specific thing i can remember is in.. 7-8th grade, i can't remember which specifically (i'm in tenth now, i'll be in eleventh next year), there was a period of about two weeks where i felt extremely derealized. it felt like i was watching my body move and do things from outside, and it wasn't caused by anything, as far as i know. it just sort of happened.
another thing that makes me think i'm not a system is i dont really hear voices in my head i hear. my own but ive always thought its my own and its like narrating what i think, i guess its never changed unless its like i randomly read what someone said in their own voice or whatever and it doesnt really say anything that im not thinking unless i have intrusive thoughts, although i can sort of.. debate, with myself. but its always felt like me, like im weighing the pros and cons of somethin, or arguing for both perspectives of an issue. i've always tried to be an open minded person and see all sides. i do talk to myself sometimes, but i do it pretty mindlessly. i never thought anything different of it, but maybe its not normal? when i was a kid, i would talk to myself out loud. i also felt lonely and in 4-7th grade i had convinced myself the wind was my friend and that i could control it. i called him 'mr wind'. don't really think this has anything to do with being a system, but some background knowledge, i suppose?
when i first started actually doing research after denying even the possibility of me being a system for ~two weeks, i did try ti communicate with my possible other parts, but i wasnt very successful. i laid down in a dark room and focused on my mind, trying to call out to anyone at all, but all the responses i got only responded after i asked a question, and refused to answer if i myself could not think of a response to the question. for that reason, i believe this was simply myself attempting to come up with a response. i also started keeping a small digital journal, in case they'd prefer to communicate that way, but nothing i havent wrote or remember writing has showed up, either.
in terms of identity, i've been.. somewhat sure of myself? i think i know who i am kind of well, but sometimes i question myself. i don't have anything significant to say on this topic, which is why i didn't bring it up earlier in the post, but i understand identity is a huge part of being a system, which is why it felt important to address somewhere.
im hesitant to talk about this, but in relation to fiction, i don't have many 'kins'. however, there is one character i feel like IS me. i have no idea how to describe it. its just whenever i see him, i feel like he IS me, like we're the same, even though we have practically nothing in common. this character is loud and confident and a perfectionist and im none of those things, quite the opposite, actually. i know this probably isn't evidence but i just find it so weird.
food is a very sensitive topic for me. i am very very picky about food, because certain textures, tastes, etc make me very prone to not liking food, and when i don't like a food i eat i vomit. like many other autistic people, i have "safe" foods, which i typically will always feel comfortable eating. but every once in a while, a food that has been "safe" for years will suddenly taste horrible or have a bad texture and it makes me vomit, which then makes me scared to eat it again. sometimes i try these foods again in the future and they become "safe" once more. i'm not sure if this can be related to being a system, but i thought perhaps it was different alters having different preferences? no idea.
i once had a dream i was a system. it wasn't like, the main focus, i just was, the plot still unfolded as usual. i know dreams are just dreams, but since im mentioning everything ever, i might as well mention this too.
i'm not sure if these can be connected to being a system at all, but i figured maaaaybe they could be, so i'll mention them anyway: feel free to disregard this section if physical symptoms don't apply
-sometimes my knees will randomly feel weak, and like its hard to walk
-sometimes a random wave of heat will wash over me for a few seconds then disappear, this can also be accompanied by ear ringing
-sometimes a certain part of my lip will twitch and no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but it only ever lasts a few minutes
-for the past few days, i've had incessant eye twitching in only my left eye, and similar to my lip no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but its a lot more common than my lip twitched and only started happening recently. i've had the lip twitch for years, but it only happens once a few months. with my eye, although it only lasts short periods like my lip, its been happening multiple times a day. i don't really treat these as part of my 'evidence', just in case, i guess
this is pretty much all of my "evidence", feel free to ask any questions in the comments. my feelings won't be hurt if you say you think i'm not a system. i'm just looking for an honest opinion, because the way i can't remember shit ever is driving me crazy. i feel like i'm faking because i subconsciously "want" to be a system to fit in and better relate to my friends and my partner, and i didn't have suspicions before they brought up how they were, so how weird is that, right? but at the same time, i'm trying to be very very honest in my experiences, because i understand misdiagnosing myself could really damage my mental health. i just don't know anymore. if you believe i'm not a system, could you perhaps point me in the direction of something else my symptoms might fit into? thank you very for your time, and your help if you decide to comment ^-^

So for FULL CONTEXT, I have paid this month's rent, and I was given a 30 day possible "do better or you'll have to find a new place" warning on 4/22 but it was NOT a official notice and it wasn't a 30 day time limit to leave, but to get better. I rent a room (from someone who rents a trailer), and my name is on none of the paperwork. On 5/11 I was told I was being kicked out immediately (they are claiming they didn't say this, but they changed all the locks and told me I had to do xyx to get my stuff). I think it's important to also add I didn't have a liscenes or vehicle until 5/13 (yesterday) but we work together so I only ever go with them, they've taken me places a maximum of 5 times for me alone and I've paid gas each time.
PROPERTY DAMAGE:
I have a deceased dog (died about 6 months into me living there) that ruined two of the property doors, I had ordered new ones, but they hadn't delivered so they wanted the money for my items, I gave it to them because I honestly don't mind that as my dog did tear up the doors. (While alive that dog also tore a rod that I replaced within a week and 3 picture frames, 1 of which was replaced the others they wanted exact replicas of but never gave me any info on where or how to get them despite me asking multiple times) the dog was just a puppy but I had lined up a home for it becsuse of the damage before it passed from sad unavoidable issues.
I have another dog who is alive and did stay with us the entire time I lived there, she HAS NEVER ruined anything in that house but the tenant I live with CLAIMS she ruined a lether chair with a tiny hole (my dog is a big German shepard and the hole is less then 2 inches), during the time the hole happened we had mice, we get them every winter (ive lived with them 3 winters) and every winter they chew on items, food, and so on, since the hole was made ive said that it was mice, the other tenant has always disagreed. There is also multiple tiny holes in the wall from water damage and one big one I think was also caused from water damage, (the deceased dog was alive for this hole), despite my thoughts on it I went and bought the scrapper, sander, and filling needed for it, but was always told to wait for them to get more paint,, (for the right shade) they never did.
For the entire damage situation it's a she said they said situation, and I dont know if it'll hold up in trail. As far as holding my items goes, I paid them the 450, they are wanting more but with that they allowed me to get my items (all that would fit in my car)
WITHELD RENT: On 4/22 they raised the rent higher and said I should begin giving money every other week "when I can" to help with gas (one tank every other week, if I have the money), we buy groceries/necessitys separately, i feed all 3 of their dogs on my money, and on 4/23 they took me to the grocery store station and had spend 42$ (this had never happened before so i assumed it was gas) on items for them alone, on 4/29 they asked to borrow 60$.
During thd time between then and when I paid rent 5/6 I spent 6 days (divided between the 10 days) at my parents getting my permit, liscenes, and car. They mentioned the 60$ this last Thursday 5/2, I said I'd just take it out of rent, as during that time I'd only spent 2 days with them (and only 4 by the time I had paid rent) and had already given them 42$ in gas, again the ONLY places I do are work and home, that's IT, and we work the exact same shifts and live(d) in the exact same house. They agreed to that, seeing as 42$ had been given for only 4 days worth of commute, but when they kicked me out they insisted I owed them the 60 and shorted them rent because that went towards gas. (BY the time they kicked me out I'd spent another 3 days away from them...)
WITHHELD ITEMS:
so I was able to give the 450 for the doors today and was allowed to get my items, unfortunately my car is v small and I had to leave a few things plus I'd like to clean my space out (sweep, mop, throw away my trash can bag). The keys have been changed on the doors, I can get in with a card, but is that breaking in? I contacted local police, didn't give them full context but they said it's a civil matter, they don't know of the fact I wasn't given notice or that I've paid rent, they say the other tenant HAS to be home for them to do anything but they work until 1 am on Wednesday/Thursday. She says I have to get my stuff Saturday when she's off in the morning but won't give it to me if I don't finish my work week. I want to get my items and leave, I don't want to see them tomorrow, I don't want charged with breaking and entering and I don't want a lawsuit against me for property damage when it's a she said they said and I've paid my dues that ik are mine.
Tldr: Property damage, paid for, he said she said on the rest, rent paid for the month, locks changed, items withheld. Am I allowed to "break" in and just get my stuff ??
And for anyone wondering the "do better" is do dishes more often, sweep more often, so on, but i do dishes 3-4 times a week and sweep and mop at LEAST everyother week, they haven't swept or mop but like 2 times in MONTHS.

So for FULL CONTEXT, I have paid this month's rent, and I was given a 30 day possible "do better or you'll have to find a new place" warning on 4/22 but it was NOT a official notice and it wasn't a 30 day time limit to leave, but to get better. I rent a room (from someone who rents a trailer), and my name is on none of the paperwork. On 5/11 I was told I was being kicked out immediately (they are claiming they didn't say this, but they changed all the locks and told me I had to do xyx to get my stuff). I think it's important to also add I didn't have a liscenes or vehicle until 5/13 (yesterday) but we work together so I only ever go with them, they've taken me places a maximum of 5 times for me alone and I've paid gas each time.
PROPERTY DAMAGE:
I have a deceased dog (died about 6 months into me living there) that ruined two of the property doors, I had ordered new ones, but they hadn't delivered so they wanted the money for my items, I gave it to them because I honestly don't mind that as my dog did tear up the doors. (While alive that dog also tore a rod that I replaced within a week and 3 picture frames, 1 of which was replaced the others they wanted exact replicas of but never gave me any info on where or how to get them despite me asking multiple times) the dog was just a puppy but I had lined up a home for it becsuse of the damage before it passed from sad unavoidable issues.
I have another dog who is alive and did stay with us the entire time I lived there, she HAS NEVER ruined anything in that house but the tenant I live with CLAIMS she ruined a lether chair with a tiny hole (my dog is a big German shepard and the hole is less then 2 inches), during the time the hole happened we had mice, we get them every winter (ive lived with them 3 winters) and every winter they chew on items, food, and so on, since the hole was made ive said that it was mice, the other tenant has always disagreed. There is also multiple tiny holes in the wall from water damage and one big one I think was also caused from water damage, (the deceased dog was alive for this hole), despite my thoughts on it I went and bought the scrapper, sander, and filling needed for it, but was always told to wait for them to get more paint,, (for the right shade) they never did.
For the entire damage situation it's a she said they said situation, and I dont know if it'll hold up in trail. As far as holding my items goes, I paid them the 450, they are wanting more but with that they allowed me to get my items (all that would fit in my car)
WITHELD RENT: On 4/22 they raised the rent higher and said I should begin giving money every other week "when I can" to help with gas (one tank every other week, if I have the money), we buy groceries/necessitys separately, i feed all 3 of their dogs on my money, and on 4/23 they took me to the grocery store station and had spend 42$ (this had never happened before so i assumed it was gas) on items for them alone, on 4/29 they asked to borrow 60$.
During thd time between then and when I paid rent 5/6 I spent 6 days (divided between the 10 days) at my parents getting my permit, liscenes, and car. They mentioned the 60$ this last Thursday 5/2, I said I'd just take it out of rent, as during that time I'd only spent 2 days with them (and only 4 by the time I had paid rent) and had already given them 42$ in gas, again the ONLY places I do are work and home, that's IT, and we work the exact same shifts and live(d) in the exact same house. They agreed to that, seeing as 42$ had been given for only 4 days worth of commute, but when they kicked me out they insisted I owed them the 60 and shorted them rent because that went towards gas. (BY the time they kicked me out I'd spent another 3 days away from them...)
WITHHELD ITEMS:
so I was able to give the 450 for the doors today and was allowed to get my items, unfortunately my car is v small and I had to leave a few things plus I'd like to clean my space out (sweep, mop, throw away my trash can bag). The keys have been changed on the doors, I can get in with a card, but is that breaking in? I contacted local police, didn't give them full context but they said it's a civil matter, they don't know of the fact I wasn't given notice or that I've paid rent, they say the other tenant HAS to be home for them to do anything but they work until 1 am on Wednesday/Thursday. She says I have to get my stuff Saturday when she's off in the morning but won't give it to me if I don't finish my work week. I want to get my items and leave, I don't want to see them tomorrow, I don't want charged with breaking and entering and I don't want a lawsuit against me for property damage when it's a she said they said and I've paid my dues that ik are mine.
Tldr: Property damage, paid for, he said she said on the rest, rent paid for the month, locks changed, items withheld. Am I allowed to "break" in and just get my stuff ??
And for anyone wondering the "do better" is do dishes more often, sweep more often, so on, but i do dishes 3-4 times a week and sweep and mop at LEAST everyother week, they haven't swept or mop but like 2 times in MONTHS.

Main reason I chose matte was because I was told thatvit hides imperfections better for a newbie like me. The paint before my diy job was even worse so I say I'm quite happy with this. I'm just looking for ways to protect it, and I don't mind if the ceramic coat adds gloss to it. Also, how would it compare to a ceramic spray (like cherakote ceramic sealant)?

So the last few years have been rough.
*note* if you're a "cheaters will always be cheaters type" tldr is don't bother reading or commenting
BACKSTORY 2019-2023 child nearly annual broken bones, lots of stress and specialist visits.
2018-2024 my wife got her associates as a medical assistant and is almost done with her bachelor's and final quarter internship while working full time and that has been hard for me. The lack of time for me and my son has really made an impact.
2019 I was injured at work and 2020 had my first surgery to try and preserve an ankle joint. That surgery ended up failing and while recovering I ended up mangling 2 fingertips in a wood jointer. 2020 I had to make the transition to a sahd on workers comp and have been since then. My lifestyle of hiking and fishing was upended because I could barely be on my feet 3 hours a day and uneven ground killed me not to mention the whole covid thing was pretty isolating.
All of 2021 was supporting her being a surrogate for a couple in City X (their egg/sperm). So, lots of trips checks and giving her injections. It was kind of proving myself to her because I was terrified when our son was born in 2017 and didn't help as much as I should have. Especially the first 3 months. Really, I didn't find out until later. We had conversations and fights at the time and id step up to do more and she would agree and tell me it was all okay. Then another fight saying I wasn't doing enough/anything and asking more and me being upset and confused. I guess at the time she was afraid to ask more, or tell me what she wanted, or her feelings, and the postpartum depression and initial feelings of abandonment didn't help.
Anyways the surrogacy went okay. I was there and supportive. Rubbing her feet and back. taking on extra load when she was tired etc. And hey I didn't pass out at delivery this time XD The end was a bit hard with 2 inductions needed and a massive 9.5lb baby and a stuck shoulder.
Then a few weeks after birth in November 2021 the nightmare began.
Out of nowhere she started hemorrhaging. She had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and scans showed a mass. Turned out the surrogate baby's placenta had some cells turn cancerous and attach to her uterus (Choriocarcinoma). 3 months later and the first 3 agent chemo failed, and her numbers were skyrocketing because it turned treatment resistant. They had to hit it with 5 types of chemo (EMACO) leaving future fertility a coin toss but more than a hysterectomy. By May 2022 the tumor marker was gone, but it was 6 months of intense monitoring and 6 months of monthly monitoring. The whole time she was in an intense spiraling depression questioning life. The meaning of all it, and how all her childhood trauma was fair. That no god would let a child live that. And questioning every decision in her life and wondering what things could have been like if she went a different direction. Feeling like she missed out on opportunities early in life. If this might be all there is (we have been together since she was 17). She said she felt like reality wasn't real and this was make believe at times.
Summer 2022 she made a new mom friend. She was pretty toxic and selfish. She used my wife for personal benefit and to go places. Yelled at her kids and treated the oldest from a prior marriage as less than (girl doesn't know her dad and when she mentioned she was part Mexican she freaked out and denied it because of how conservative and anti Mexican her new dad and his family is). Like never offered a dime, but expected food, gas, tickets, and gifts. She drove my wife nuts with that behavior. but she was desperate for a friend and loved her kids. Her friend would just talk shit about her partner pretty constantly and say my wife should be unhappy in her relationship too. Shit talking husbands behind their backs became like a mutual thing and I def hated it
Sometime 2023 she jumped into fantasy romance and fantasy smut /erotica. This progressed to an AI chat smut generator.
May 2023 monitoring was over and she was officially cancer free and had been on a health/mental health quest..
The mental health part started early in the year and she was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety alone as well as her long list of childhood trauma. Off hand her therapist told her a few times she didn't know maybe just divorce me or something. I was super uncomfortable with this as it was completely outside her practicing scope and I didn't feel she should be providing relationship guidance, especially without me or the rest of the story. I felt a bit attacked and didn't even get the chance to give my perspective or account and felt that is pretty important after being here for a decade. A lot of negative points get omitted by her.
Summer 2023 she had some tough diagnosis for other chronic issues. Narcolepsy Dissociative Identity disorder Depression And a sleep disorder
I initially rejected this as I didn't want to accept these chronic and incurable conditions and insisted it has to be something else, that she's okay. It was taken as rejection of her.
Fall 2023 she reached out to a childhood ex bf a few states away and started an emotional affair. They kept in infrequent contact over the years and nothing ever came of it before. He has been unable to move past her or have meaningful relationships in 13 years. At first he pushed her away and rejected it, but after a month by Nov it was a thing. Texting saying I shouldn't worried because they dated before, but he ended up coming out as gay, calls in private, staying later after work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt but got burned. I found out in December the second time she wanted a private call in the car, and I checked her phone.
We started marriage counseling in Jan and I started my own therapy search as well as a condition of hers. She agreed to no longer contact the boy showed me the sent message ending it and blocked him. By Feb I found him listed in her phone as Saraa and found deleted texts and calls. In therapy she wanted to keep him as a friend and only friend and I tried this. She asked if a PO box would be okay for a birthday present, and I said no. That it crossed a line. It was also super close to Valentine's day. Next therapy I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling physically ill when she used her phone, and we went through Jan again break off block etc.
In Feb the therapist recommended a separate space for conflict as we work on things. That too much conflict triggered her dissociative identity disorder. It was either a hotel as needed or a rv/camper. My wife was set on a camper and the only way to get a newer one was to add my credit/income to hers for a loan and I was uncomfortable on a $20k purchase. She assured me the intent of the camper was working on us and not separating/divorcing. She brought up me not having chores completely done all the time and I poured myself into it if that was making her unhappy over the years.
During this time in March I found out she got the secret PO box and had yet again resumed texting entirely deleting her logs. She had valentines gifts. birthday gifts, long distance electronic bracelets, and had an easter basket coming. Everything was put together into a box to be gotten rid of. That effort I had for chores and making everything spotless kind of died. Like there was that recognition that that obviously wasn't the problem. We lived completely separately for a few weeks until she could make a choice. We split our son and had almost zero interaction. Eventually she chose and I saw a notebook she used once in December. Basically she has started outlining a story envisioning herself as the lead character in once of her romantic fantasies and cast me and the other man as competing love interests
April and early may there was nothing. We did therapy and tackled our issues slowly. Together. Our future plans: college vs baby and the ticking clock of fertility and ifs after chemo. Etc
Last week she was going out for lilac picking and didn't text me for 2 hours and said she was at the beach. Later she showed me something in her email and I saw discord emails about a pw change and login. One bad gut feeling later and the next morning I see she deleted the discord emails and check our phone plan and her phone and see missing texts. I put in a phone record request for recent texts and text/call logs. She woke up and I said it did it and she said I was disgusting. Then admitted I was right.
She says after breaking it off she was worried he would hurt himself and just wanted to be sure he was okay and admitted to 3 texts and the discord call which i verified. Said that he was in therapy for his issues. She said she didn't want to bring it up to me because I would make it a fight and she thought she could just get away with a few texts to make sure. That she felt responsible for how much he had been hurt too.
So I did what I do with extreme anxiety and checked her work bag. I found an old journal they shared Jan to mid-march. Kind of confirmed again what was going on. Also revealed she lied to me about the trailer, or him? She couldn't get it without me and told him it was to work on separating from me easier. Yeah I kept pics in case this goes downhill because yeah, I'll gun for EVERYTHING. I'm sure that being tricked into signing a $20k contract under false pretenses for her personal benefit, secret po boxes, lying to our therapist repeatedly, secret texts, expecting gifts from the other man, career over spending time with family and a serious personality disorder on top of narcolepsy making a job hard to keep down wont do her favors at divorce/custody hearings.
So its all fresh for me again. I already have extreme anxiety and the autism doesn't help with reading/understanding people the best, although my gut intuition and pattern recognition are catching stuff fine.
WHERE I THINK I AM
Looking back, I can see that the personality disorder and narcolepsy are apparent. Dream delusion and memory issues from the narcolepsy make separating dream from reality hard as well as just recalling what happened. So whether not the "not feeling like reality is real" was a dream delusion or a full-blown dissociative episode... I can also see that messaging him was a "new" personality state. Maybe it's a manifestation of the trauma of nearly dying from cancer, maybe it's a fragment of her young identity that was created to survive her traumatic childhood resurfacing after nearly dying. But her interests and perspective massively shifted at that time and there was a clear separation between her with me and her with him. It was like this regression back to 15. Like she was molding an identity to fit his desires and interests. She took up tarot and witchy books, different music, painting, rockhounding (my interest), dried bouquets, dyed her hair and got multiple piercings. Even getting caught there was that click in her whole demeanor.
I can see how her friend may have jaded her towards me by all the shit she talked about HER husband. I can see that throwing herself into fantasy smut to cope flooded her with portrayals of unrealistic romance. That she progressed that by using an AI smut bot to hold those conversations with. Then she directly tried to process her own reality through the lens of those novels in that journal.
This "relationship" was "I love you, we can be together in 10 years". He wasn't going to leave his cushy job. Or his state. He didn't want to be a stepdad. He didn't want to support her career or have any involvement in it. She couldn't leave my state. Never saw illicit photos. No discussion of sex. It was like exactly what you think some lovestruck preteens would come up with. Like just a fantasy. No talk of bills or finances. Of moving. Of any substantial tangible entanglement.
Somehow that's easier to handle
I love her and don't want to leave her. But i desperately think she needs serious help and have told her I want her to do therapy 2x a month (on top of marriage therapy 2x).
I also think if a secret or deleted text happens again, I've got to take off the kid gloves and fight for it all. Cause well showing up at the dude's door would end in prison.
I'm sure this happening right as I fully got over last time and took a trust leap of faith on a "gay" friend that burned me will make it harder. I get the last few years have been garbage luck and I get almost dying can have profound affects though. She had been utterly loyal for 5 years (believe me I checked as we agreed to ie open book). Tying to see this with an open mind.
I get my exact expectations are muddy and part of this is just putting it into words to process for me, but I value if someone has any good input

Generally I don't have people in remembered dreams.
And even the ones with people, they are "movie extras"
I have dreams where I'm flying a Cessna 150 or Piper Cub down the street, a few feet above cars, barely between cars and powerlines, but I don't notice people.
A dream where I fly by force of will through my high school, but if there are people, they are vague obstacles to be avoided. One was so vivid that I had to try it the next morning. Didn't work.
One where a faceless person dragged me under a wide doorway while 40 foot chunks of yellow painted 5/8" steel rod fell from a distant ceiling. Later there were large payloaders scooping up rubble, includeing rods with impaled but still screaming and crying victims into big dump trucks.
One where I am trying to stop a flood of finger paint in red, yellow and white (white finger paint? Why?) It moves slowly knocking down trees like lava. No people.
The one exception is the one where I am facing my mom who is about to slam me into a door. I see this from two points of view at the same time: From young me looking at her from about 2 feet, and older me, standing a couple feet behind and to the right of my mom. He/I know what is about to happen. She will setp back on her right foot, raise her arms, half bent, push forward. The heels of her thumbs will rest in the hollows on the front of my shoulders, and she will push HARD, younger me's head snaps forward, his/my shoulderblades hit, then our head, We see stars and we feel the breath knocked out of us. We slump to the floor. All this without a sound.
This sequence doesn't happen in the dream. It's all what He/I know is about to happen. And we know we have to keep silent. If we make a noise we get extra helpings.

Engaged 8 years- with him for 10 years this August. Long story short - it’s not good. Hasnt been for over 7 years tbh. I know ya’ll know what that means basically. We are both 49. Both never been married before our engagement 8 years ago. No kids. I am downright trauma bonded I finally see for the last 8 yrs tho. Sure there’s polite talk, literally that’s all it is. Polite talk until I “freak out and get emotional” by asking if we can have a date night or take a walk together. Because he is sooooo far away from me today and all I’ve been doing is questioning myself, trying to be prettier, trying to cook more, trying to not show hurt feelings when he’s dismissive or worholding….. It’s apparent to anyone in the room and I’ve had feedback from concerned friends over the years. Basically my friends arent fans - haven’t been for years.
Ok sorry- usual daily- he comes home from work. Says hi. I say hi. He shows enormous amounts of love to the dog then goes to his computer to social media surf. I make dinner he eats it and goes to bed. Thats our interaction every day unless I’m working. I’m an semi successful artist. (I pay my own bills, rent and run my own art studio, make enough to survive as I try to grow but def couldn’t do it without a supportive partner. Which he was supportive in our 2 year together. He knew I owned my own townhouse then, and bartended twice a week to make whatever ends my art didn’t meet at the time. I was pretty well known in our little downtown from bartending and having my art in neighboring restaurant in the community. We reconnected through fb messenger- he tagged me in a lot of bartending themed posts- we dated and a year later he sold his condo and moved into my townhouse. I was ready for my life long partner. After a year of co living, he proposed - we made plans to get a larger home together so I sold my townhouse, put 15k downpayment on it because I had the recent liquid cash and he didn’t- he just had the good salaried job to get approved for financing. fast forward to today- I am on the deed not on the mortgage. I pay cash to my “fiancè” every month to contribute this house we own together. After a year of giving him straight cash every month at his request, I asked if he would just give me some or all utilities so my name would be back out in the credit space. And he said no. I asked if we could get a joint account so I could put that monthly cash money in a “house” account where we would both contribute and pay house stuff from that. He said “sure, but not right this second”. That was always his answer to me - “Not right this second”. Basically I went from having my own place, utilities, mortgage, credit, etc and being madly in love with this guy (who I’ve known since highschool but we never dated, just always shared mutual crossovers/crossed paths a lot since 1995) to living in a house that only had my name on the deed. I worried I was a ghost in the credit space. Like the only thing he allowed me to put my name on was the trash pickup service. (He said he’d rather not get trash service and use his jobs trashbin… like wtf?). But said of if I wanted to get trash service then I could pay for that. Ahhh usual me- not a short story and I’m rambling. I’ve also had drinks. Just trying to give context. Ok- We never go out together. He goes to his BF music studio most weekends and stays til 3-4am. We haven’t had sex in over two years. I sleep in the guest room for the same amount of time. (I went there one night after a fight because he said he was tired of being my crutch and I need to contribute more financially and it literally came after him being silent/bad mood for a week and I would ask “Hey, did you have a bad day at work? What’s wrong how can I help?” He doesn’t talk to me about “feelings”. Anytime I ask to sit down and talk about how to fix whatever is wrong his response is ALWAYS and defensive curtness “I don’t want to talk about it”. So we just had one of these outbursts. Where I say “hey, what’s going on. Why are you being so curt with me? Talk to me” and he said “ya know what’s wrong with me? You owe my $1100 because you haven’t paid xyz and it stems back to August. “ I was floored because it’s just not true. But I give him cash and I guess that’s where I fucked up. Sometimes I get paid in cash for my paintings and when I do, I put it aside and give him that cash when it comes due every month. Anyway it blew up to me crying being confused and asking him why he didn’t say anything in August or September why is he bringing it up now. Why is he talking to me like a dog and to please stop and just talk to me about why he’s so damn angry. It ended up with him telling me he’s tired of being my crutch and we haven’t been “good for 5 years” and he wants to sell the house, get his money and live the life that he wants. And I pointed out that all I’ve been doing is trying to fight for us, trying to get us to be together and be number one for one another. And why if he knew all this and yet was still unsatisfied with me why he has kept me around for so long without communicating his displeasure with me. And he said - “Because you won’t leave”. It ended with me saying we can get a mediator or lawyer and figure out the easiest way to sell, split whatever we agree on and move on. Ot all just hit me that I need to let him sell this house and I will figure it out. This all happened Saturday. Jesus this sucks. Anyway- it blew up to where I said I’m done. I felt done. He clapped. I went to my room and have basically been avoiding being in the house when he’s here and just going to my studio until he goes to bed. Thing is he took off work today. Dont know why. So when I got up and saw his car out front, I went to the studio all day and worked late on purpose. Came home at 10:30pm- he usually goes to bed around 9:30 but was still in living room watching tv. I walked in and went to the kitchen and he instantly said “I’m going to bed you can have the tv” and I didn’t respond. He went to bed. I was getting iced tea out of the fridge when after standing there for a min- I smelled gas. I look over to the stove and the knob is turned slightly to the left as if you were about to ignite it. I instinctively turned it back to the off position but then kinda freaked out a bit. Like why does it smell like gas. And why was that knob turned. Literally the gas was seeping ever so slightly out enough for me to smell it after about 30sec drinking my tea. Am I just being paranoid? There is no evidence of cooking - I even checked the trash for leftover or scrapings of food. This took me forever to write. But I just felt I had to document this without freaking out my mom or my friends.