So. I think I’m pretty cool. By my school’s standards at least I think I’m pretty cool. Aren’t I? Looking past the body caused by my ED I think I’m pretty cool. I’m loud and extroverted and charming and exciting and really good at making people smile I’m easily casual with teachers, get along with people well, I’m always smiling so in turn people smile with me, I have decent grades that most people can relate to having. I’m fun in class and make alot of noise and joke around but I still do subjectively well enough, even though my teachers are annoyed.
I’m loud. And bold. And I do thinks that disregard people’s feelings.
And part of me knows deep down that that isn’t me
I am extroverted and I am smiley and I am fun maybe? But I’m supposed to be polite, a good student, respectful.
If I saw bad grades I’d improve and I’ll cry if someone mentions my weight.
Now when someone does I laugh at it and make fun of someone else I make fun of people I’m the person that would’ve made fun of myself in the fifth grade.
I’m not bold. I was never bold. My self-esteem is low. I low it’s low but I pretend it’s high so I don’t seem vulnerable.
My closest friends don’t even know my interests
I don’t know what real happiness feels like anymore because I’ve been faking it for so long.
And I know why I act this way and it’s because I wanna be like some stupid anime character.
I always joke to people that “I’m the main character” because that’s my mentality. Main characters are bold. And extroverted. People are supposed to like me. I’m really trying for people to like me. Do people actually like me??

https://youtu.be/5r_RKinioT4?si=SCxbyqLY4LUIn0Xi
So I got this pop up on my YouTube home page and decided to click on it not really knowing what it was but it's basically some content vtuber finding endless ocean and making wild assumptions about darin. She took an 8 year old video and uses it to basically say they are pieces of shit.
I don't think it's very fair. Sure some of their older jokes were a bit iffy and non inclusive but they did everything in their power to take everyone's comments and grow into better people and way better comedians. People always say this year is the best or this year is the best but if you look at their videos on a joke by joke basis they improve every upload, especially since the ten minute power hour started.
I just feel bad when people do this kind of stuff especially with how risky a gamble it was to change to appeal to the people that were feeling hurt by their content knowing that doing so was gonna drive a significant number of their viewer based away and most likely onto rantgrumps to bitch about how they changed and ITS AN 8 YEAR OLD VIDEO! who reading this doesn't cringe at shit they did a decade ago? Definitely I do. It just helps me not repeat previous mistakes. No one is infallible and this kind of content is shitty and low quality.

Hi guys. How are you? Sorry for the long post but please read it all, it's important, to understand my situation and give me best advice. Thanks in advance.
I wanted to ask something and I really don't know who or where to ask so I'll try here. I know this bus driver since I was 7. He took me to school and back home every day. Every kid liked him, he was nice, smiling, joking. We all really became attached and happy when we see him and he always would brighten our day. Now I'm 20 and I started working and he was his usual smiling self for a few days. And then he hit me like meteor would hit the Earth when he asked me for my facebook account or phone number while I was waiting for him at the door to stop the bus so I can get off. I was so shocked I was paralyzed and just pretended I didn't hear him as I exited the bus. This old dude. This guy who knew me since forever. This person who was responsible for my safety while I was on the bus. A fucking father figure if you wanna call him that cause I always saw these nice adults as responsible ones you can count on when your parents aren't around, like teachers for example. Someone you can talk to about how some kid is picking on you or how some subject is too complicated to learn and who will understand you. This mf starts flirting with me calling me beautiful and asking me out, even manipulating some kid to tell me I'm beautiful for him. I WANTED TO VOMIT. I still feel the need to vomit. I've been ignoring him for two months now. Every time I see him my stomach flips. I only enter the door next to him to pay for my ride, otherwise I always get off through the back door to avoid him. I didn't speak a word to him hoping he will get the hint and f off. I even loudly talked with my friend in the seat near him how old people are gross and I would rather die than date them, all in hopes he would hear it and give up. But today that mf grew tired of waiting it seams. As usual I ignored him, he tried to strike a conversation while giving me the ticket, I still ignored him. Then when I was getting ready to get off he asked "Is no one getting off here? Can I continue driving?", despite knowing it's my station since forever. Just so I would talk to him and say "wait, I'll exit here". This mother-, manipulating me to talk to him like that? And laughing about it when he succeeded? Does he think I will actually ever like an old person, that he can charm me with his bs? I do not want this manipulating butt anywhere near me, I'm disgusted and afraid and I want to cry cause that's my only transportation to work and back home and now I have to avoid a pig and it's creating problems for my day to day life. But he still won't give up. And I can't tell him to get lost cause I live in a village and other villagers will immediately gossip how I'm having an affair with a bus driver which is really humiliating considering he is old enough to be my dad, knew me forever and I absolutely do not like him that way. What should I do? How do I get him away from me? He isn't giving up. Please.

so im in high school and I find a guy really handsome, he have light blond hair, blue eyes, he's tall and he have a small scar on his cheek. so we often make eyes contact with each other but it doesn't last more than 4 seconds, he seem a but quiet tho, but I never talked to people first because I was always kind of nervous about being rejected or being made fun of but I never seen a guy being more my type than him actually.
we really don't know each other we never talked. But like I really want to ask for his number but l'm so nervous I don't know how to do because he's always with a guy (quite shy looking ) and I can only do it when we luckily eat at the same time :)) I don't even know if he have a girlfriend or if he could find me pretty 💀🙏

For the sake of the story and to avoid confusion the man who I thought was my bio dad I’ll call him NBD and my actual bio dad I’ll call BD, Step dad will be SD, and my mom will just be mom.
Two years ago, I was gifted a 23andMe test, I was excited to find out where I came from ethnically.
When I finally got my results I noticed 3 things immediately, I wasn’t Albanian, I WAS Polish, and it linked me to a great great aunt I never heard about. I called NBD mom and asked her about the great great aunt and she had no idea who it was, so I did my own digging.
I reached out to the great great aunt’s daughter and she listed family names I could look into. I eventually found someone who told me their aunt might know who my real dad was and she’d get back to me. When she finally did get back to me she apologized and said her aunt told her she would not help and that people were entitled to their secrets. I was pissed. I was entitled to the truth!!
I finally reached out to my mom and while busy she told me to send her screenshots and she would get back to me. My mom called an hour later sobbing, apologizing, up-and-down. It was then that the fact NBD wasn’t my dad really hit me. It was really traumatic finding out everything I thought I knew about myself was a lie, like I wasnt a whole person just, fragments. I wanted to be angry or sad but I was just numb. I just wanted to know who my dad really was. my mom told me she had recognized the name and immediately knew who my dad really was. She told me she had called him before calling me back and told him what was happening and that if I wanted a relationship with him, he was more than willing, but if I didn’t want a relationship with him, he was fine with that too. My mom sent me his number and I sent him a text and told him to call me whenever he could.
About a week later, I went to go meet BD for the first time as his daughter that year, my birthday ended up landing on Father’s Day (yay me) so I brought him a first Father’s Day card for a new dad as a joke to break the ice and he had bought me flowers. I was so worried he wasn’t going to like me and that his girlfriend wouldn’t like me either but they are the best!!! They had to be one year old daughter and an adopted his gfs nephew. I gained two new siblings over night. They had another baby girl last year so I added another sibling to the mix
It turned out the aunt that didn’t want to spill the family secrets is my grandmother BD mom. She apologized for not sharing, but she didn’t want me to hear it from her and wanted me to hear it from my mom. It’s been two years and my relationship with BD is amazing he texts me randomly list to let me know he loves me and to check in.
The downside is NBD family is really weird towards me now, I get that they are mad at my mom but it doesn’t feel fair to be treating me differently. Anytime I bring the situation up at all to my mom she begins to feel bad and starts crying so I can’t talk to her. BD is just so chill he doesn’t seem bothered at all so I just don’t bring it up with him really but do occasionally talk through it sometimes with his GF who I now also call mom. I’ve had some not great remarks made to me by family members basically saying that the situation should be kept quiet to avoid embarrassment or that peoples lives were ruined. Like gee thanks sorry I’m an embarrassing bastard child that ruined peoples lives. I feel like some burdensome mistake that people would be better off without and it’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong yet how I exist is viewed as a shameful and hushed topic rather then an honest mistake. Don’t get me wrong I’m upset I could have had a present dad rather then someone who wasn’t really around till I was 18 but COME ON. In any case I know I probably need to see a therapist about this, but it’s nice to finally vent my feelings somewhere that isn’t just in my own head. Thanks for listening.
TLDR; 23andMe test revealed my dad wasn’t my dad. I met my bio dad and he’s amazing. Definitely need therapy so cause this was traumatic but also the situation just makes me feel numb?
EXTRA CONTEXT: my mom genuinely thought NBD was my dad if there was even a doubt in her mind she would have checked. Having NBD as my dad was not a choice she would have made for me or her.

Spoiler for every Uro works
I think one of the thing that people describe Urobuchi works and relationships as Twisted. Madoka being the poster child of the "Toxic girlfriends" but maybe because I am Killer 69 I think its trying to say Love that want to be acknowledged of course I am not the only one who observe this heck for some it may be no shit sherlock observation but to me it really become compelling when we see theme of Love that wanted to be seen is in almost every Urobuchi work. Kariya in Fate Zero , Ruili in Kikokugai and Cal in Phantom Of Inferno , Saya from Saya No Uta ... This is a VN subreddit so I will not talk about Kariya but Ruili , Saya , Cal I would focus on them.
I don't remember much from Saya No Uta since i saw it from a very very very young age and haven't re read it since then but I still remember Saya was lonely throughout her life for first time through Fumenori Saya form relationship she found someone to cry with , She found someone to love with and spend her final moment with .... I think most beautiful aspect about Saya I feel was that lonely girl for first time feel something essentially she was in the basement for most of her life she must be isolated. I remember how sad she was before she meet Fuminori she wanted to be loved she must wanted to be someone who belong to someone and she found it through Fuminori.
Ruili and Cal are different from Saya I feel like in case of Saya through her loneliness I am assuming she wanted to be loved. The case here ain't like that Ruili wanted Tauluo/Cal wanted Reiji this make some scenes really fucking hilarious especially in Kikokugai.
Since Liu Haojun is visiting to doll Ruili talking so fucking kindly to her so gently to her but inside that man is burning like really burning he is bitter about Taoluo that not only he fumble the bag but unintentionally ntr him. Like Kikokugai with hindsight is story about bag forcefully coming so main character don't fumble it again ..... Just kidding ..... or am I 😈. I think though before we get to Ruili it's kinda necessary to talk about Liu Haojun cause beside me joking about this scenario he kinda represents the theme of love that wanted to be seem , he in fact represents that too painfully. He did all kind of monstrous action and become a villain because of love , That is really painful but kinda beautiful.
Anyways back to Ruili I do think that ending scene is really beautiful a sick twisted controlled world where love that was never seen becomes acknowledged it was Madoka rebellion 11 year before it happen. I think the twist at Kikokugai ending isn't for everyone to put it kindly but maybe I am fucked in head that was really beautiful to me. The lover that wanted to be seen force the other person who have strong feelings but is kinda blind to it to see the actual love at the end is in that paradise. Ruili force her love by making Taoluo travel hell so he could see it she demand blood , she demand flash , she demands everything from him so he could become one with her.
Last one is my personal favourite from Phantom Of Inferno obviously Cal have her own route where her love was legitimately recognized .... but I like my messy Urobuchi so my favourite moment from Cal happen at end of Phantom Of Inferno. Cal is pathetic to put it bluntly she learns the reason why Reiji left her cause he thought she was dead but she is angry because he is blind he didn't see her love. She feel she is abandoned cause her love was never seen. So in her final moment when she fights him she lost to him and Reiji kill her and when Reiji kill her he is crying for her and that to her the love was really recognized and it was always there she is happy to know that in her final moment of her life and that my friend is beautiful. It's simple but it's the most effective one out of everything we see who Cal is someone who lost people who care for her twice she lost the people whom she loved and never realize what Dynamic of relationship they have she is just bitter a lost child who is hurt. Like this is not explanation but I do feel like she age herself to charm Reiji again I could be 100% wrong ... but yeah one of the best scene in Phantom Of Inferno is Ruili walking around on streets of Tokyo just being bitter that her love was never recognized that scene really hits with hindsight.

SABOTAGE?! And it all started out as such a nice idea… A cliche as tall as my ex-roommate’s erection live-blending Kelly Bundy Mike Kelley and Ted Bundy parafernalia wearing blondes to the sound of gekko’s mating in the Amazon. Cut the bullshit! There’s no such thing as a nice idea getting detourné by some smart art postpostsituationist pranker or right-wing gaswhitey flexfrat, no, my dear well-meaning peace dove friends, if an idea can gets turned into its opposite during its execution, it probably was flawed from the start! Sometimes people use Woodstock 99 - the limp dickshit rape and pillage slash and burn disaster edition - as an example of how a great, positive, wonderful, hell, holy idea can turn into the worst kind of evil in the hands of the wrong people. Well, dear naivopino’s, let me inform you: bull-shit! The whole idea of Woodstock, be it ’99, ’94, ’69 or 2219, is just batshit dumbwhat asking for the baddest kind of trouble right from the bat. Or, what? Do you honest-to-dogly think that during the original (I retrovulsely puke into my stomach even using that wretched word) edition of 1969 nothing was burned, stolen, no women were raped? What, just because there were no sperm dna tests, nigh to none options for women to speak up against sexual violence let alone the fact that speaking up against rape during that whole shitshebang of a weak acid trip’s campfire get-together was near to blasphemy in the hippie community means that no women were raped? Because men all of a sudden turned into meek little dickies lambs for three years from 1968 to ’71? Fuck that shit. Please. I don’t even want to spend a single move of a single digit of my old hands having to make anything about that largest circle jerk-off in history clear to you. Read your books. Do your homework. Anyway, that’s what I was thinking about when a friend told me recently about another of those so-called great ideas gone hilariously wrong in a little map smudge of a town in of all fucking places Belgium for chrissakes. Let me admit to you, right here and now, no smirk no smile on my face: I laughed so hard when I heard it I shat my new Calvins. Framed them afterwards, too, in a nice little Nielsen A2 birch. It’s sitting there, stinking the fuck out of my storage, waiting for a good stock market crash to come. Never underestimate the potential of the future art market gold rushes. My shit, my gold, bruv. So, these two clowns of artists in Belgium (are there any other there? don’t get me started on rené ma bite or marcel bread arse here!) had the ammazing idea to get themselves funded by the local government in this hamlet of three houses called Watou which apparently would be part of - ok, stop me here. Not in the history of mankind has ever ended a sentence well which tried to explain any aspect of Belgian politics, topography or whatever the call the thing there where a man rides a horse stark naked and bites the neck of living goose hanging from a tree? (See, that sentence didn’t end well either, did it, what’d I tell you? Cursed stuff!) Let’s try that again: two artists in the Belgian town of Watou had the splendid idea to organize a festive event, in the middle of summer, whereby all the people of this little village (if you’re thinking of blue skinned vikings charging Roman legionnaires in a berry-induced bad trip frenzy, well, so am I) for one day left their houses, dropped the key of their house in a transparant bowl on the town square and all went to the field adjacent to their village to well be (as in: not fornicate) together and thereby, if I had a press release I’d quote this from it: practiced a performative experiment in hospitality and neighborship where no fixed rules are applied. I’m guessing if you’re sensitive like I am to the finer things a life, you might as well start looking for your nearest Nielsen frame too by now, but hey: we haven’t even gotten to the joke yet! This was all the serious stuff. Let me summarise it even more briefly for you, just to get it out of my haemorrhoidical system: Imagine a village. Everyone leaves their house at the same time. Leaves their front door open. Drops the key to said door in a large bowl. Drifts into a field somewhere off to do fripp knows what (no rules applied, but probably: no fornication whatsoever.) Got the mental image? Good. Now get the fuck out of that dream and imagine any sad little teardrop of a town you know. Imagine who lives there. Imagine all the people you know who live in a town, or rather, fuck that, imagine all the people you know. Now imagine that some dogoodydoodydoobywah wants to “bring the people together again” and “mend the social bonds which had been broken by” yaddah yaddah yaddah. Okay? Now imagine the fucking assholes - they might even be you - who get they absolute mostest pleasure out of ruining the naive, well-intentioned ideas of others? You see what I see? The doodygoodoo is a bit all alone on his white ivory hilltowertop, right? All the others apparently prefer to start mayhem, to jinx other people’s efforts, to laugh - loud! - at their friends tripping over their own feet. No? You think in your ‘reality’ people are ‘decent’ and ‘rough diamonds’ or ‘deeper than you’d think they are’? Well, my dear, that paradisiacal odor you’re smelling all around you is the smell of your own shit cause you got your head up your ass! Listen and suffer! Because what happened in our not-just-proverbial Belgian village on that sunny morning in July… a couple of the townspeople - we’ll never know how many but I’m guessing almost everyone except for the government-funded, from-the-city hippie artists was in on the joke - had invited some acquaintances from the town next door to quietly enter the village while everyone was not-fornicating on the idyllic field, to take all the keys from the bowl, lay them on the train tracks which run along the town, flattening them to perfectly unusable little steel flabs and placing them back in the bowl. So when our supposedly resocialised townspeople entered their village that afternoon, ready to get their key, run to their house and close their door for at least the next 364 days, the immediately realised they couldn’t close their doors anymore. Total mayhem ensued. Men started chasing women, people pillaged their neighbours houses, children and adults alike pooped on all toothbrushes they could find, underwear was thrown into compost heaps, compost heaps were thrown into unlawful indoor spas, hundred thousands of untaxed euro piles were find inside old televisions and grandmas paintings. There was no stopping them. Housewifes hung themselves after their portrait, tits out and all, was found hanging above at least three beds in different houses. It was bad. Real bad. By the time news of this feast of anarchy and murder had spread to the nearest villages and the police arrived, the artists had of course long disappeared, no doubt to narrativise their failure into a story of experiment and learning and cash in a couple of fat pay checks.
And you know what the name was the artists had given their beautiful day of harmony and collective connecting: Open Doors Day. They sure got it, their open doors day, they sure got it. Serves them right. Serves them damn right.
peace - out!

I (35F) and my fiance (46M) just got engaged two days ago.
**Backstory: we have been together for 12 years. We have raised eachother's kids together. I call him my husband instead of boyfriend when I introduce him to people because boyfriend is such a lowly term to describe what we have been through. For the first about 5 years of our relationship, it was really toxic, we broke up for a couple months and my kids and I moved to another city. We got back together and changed so much to be better and are a very strong couple. Just giving you context of why he didn't propose in first few years as is pretty standard. We have been wanting to get engaged for years, didn't have the money to actually have a wedding and all that until the last year or so when I got a really good job.
For more context, on our 10th anniversary in Miami, I cried at the end because I really thought he would propose there, he could have chosen any pretty area really. When I finally said something to him, he said he felt terrible because he thought my expectations were so high that I would have to go to Italy or Paris for a proposal (lmao I have never close to indicated that). I laughed because there would never be a time we would do that until after our high school aged kids graduate, so that was really crazy he even thought that was a good idea or timeline. I told him all I care about is that he put EFFORT into it, that it is special and meaningful. In my brain, it was obvious, on the waterfront where we met by our house would be a great easy and free idea.
This last weekend was our 12th anniversary. I had hopes I guess but I'm so used to it not happening that I really did not think he was going to propose. More backstory: he is not a planner whatsoever. He is content living the same life and doing nothing more, no major goals, no aspirations, he does NOT plan or surprise or spearhead anything, I do it all. He is a good, stable, and caring man but I do have already built resentment that he #1 had taken 12 years to propose and #2, he just never does anything unless I hold his hand through exactly what to do. I lead everything and this was the one thing that he had to do on his own. Also, we were at the mall about 8 months ago and looked at rings, I showed him the very simple ring, the saleswoman wrote everything down for him.
The Proposal We had planned that Saturday night in Vegas we would go out for our anniversary dinner. But of course the planning was left to me. I chose Alexxa's at the bottom of the eiffel tower, on the terrace, directly looking at the Bellagio fountains. After dinner, we went in the casino. I was like hey look, you can go up to the viewing deck, then I was like oh nvm you have to buy a ticket and everything. We walked back to the hotel, he wanted to get froyo so we got that and went back to the hotel. As I am about to sit down to eat my froyo, bro says "I've been trying to do this all day" or something like that and then says will you marry me, and gives me the ring. Of course I said yes but I said a lot of "you're messing with me" at first because I thought it was a joke until I saw the ring.
It took everything within me that night to not cry and not ruin the one engagement night I will ever have. Since then, I have been filled with sadness, resentment and it's just triggering me a lot about things I already get upset about in our relationship like how I'm always disappointed if he doesn't do something or does it badly IMO. I've told him very nicely about all of this and he feels terrible. I don't want to be mean to him, I know he was nervous but he planned NOTHING. He told me that his "driving force was the element of surprise". Girl what? So he chose to wing it in order for me to be surprised after 12 years rather than put thought, effort and planning to do something special or sentimental. Would have been nice to have at least a single picture as well but whatever. I think this is hitting me so hard because it's such an indication of a bigger problem that I already feel. I'm not ever going to leave him over it but I don't know how to stop resenting him for this. How did he go from "Paris or Italy" to hotel room? Lol. Also, my ring is nothing like we discussed. Beautiful ring but it's falling off my finger, the setting for the center stone is about 3/4 inch high for what reason I have no idea so it just adds to how I already feel, can this man do anything without me?
Tldr; we've been together for 12 years, he proposed in a hotel room with not an ounce of planning. How do I stop resenting him and move forward?

I had experienced a bug in the game and someone told me to report it so I did, after I did a moderator was being very aggressive and rude because I apparently didn’t report it properly even though I described the event that the bug happened in, I went to chat and jokingly said something like “I thought moderators were supposed to act professional and not be rude” and that got them really mad and they insulted me and banned me lol, seriously how does this warrant a ban? How come people like this are allowed to be moderators?

As many of you may have read, there is a case of two missing adopted kids in North Carolina, where remains have been found. The news has reported that their adoptive “mother” is Avantae Deven.
I’m a curious person and started digging up information on Avantae Deven when I first read the story in my news feed and could not believe what I was reading. It seemed like whomever this woman is must have be using an alias; Avantae Deven is not a name like Kim Jones or Mackenzie Smith.
The more I dug, the weirder it seemed to get. I found a property deed to a place in Sedona, Arizona, and figured out that whomever this Avantae person is, she at one point in time had owned a home together with someone named Nicole Adams. So I dug into who Nicole Adams was, and learned that she was the widow of a spiritual leader named Robert Adams. It appeared to me that there would be no way to identify who Avantae really was, unless I could also identify the true identity of Robert Adams.
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I've done investigative work for many years, including skip tracing. I can conclusively state that there was absolutely no person actually named Robert Adams born in New York State on January 21, 1928. This is demonstrated by the New York Birth Index. I have combed the census records for 1930, 1940, and 1950, and cross-checked them against multiple databases, and am confident that nobody with the birth name of Robert Adams was born anywhere in the United States on January 21, 1928.
Moreover, there was absolutely no person with the true name of Robert Adams who died anywhere at all in the United States, let alone Sedona, Arizona, on March 2, 1997. This is demonstrated by the Social Security Death Index.
I began this research largely by performing exhaustive searches on the known addresses that are associated with Robert, his wife Leonie (who used to use the alias Nicole), and Avantae Deven (who turns out to be their daughter Michelle who began using the alias Avantae in the mid-1990’s or so). Most of the addresses are PO boxes. Those that are PO boxes are all *private* PO boxes, not PO boxes that one can rent from the United States Postal Service. To me, that spoke volumes. The family were clearly using aliases.
As I explain further below, I eventually determined that “Robert Adams” was Robert Spiegel, born 21 January 1932 in New York. “Nicole Adams” was actually Aileen Beverly Leonie Maxwell, born February 2, 1929, in Jamaica. “Avantae Deven” is actually their daughter, Michelle K. Spiegel, born on October 1, 1960, in California.
One of Robert’s many false stories about Robert’s life that my research has refuted is Robert’s claim that his mother was Jewish and his father was Catholic. That was a lie. Both of his parents were Jewish. It’s also interesting that he claimed that he was “raised Catholic.” There is absolutely nothing to suggest that. His mother always, in New York, lived in Jewish neighborhoods. Moreover, as will be discussed below, his parents had a Jewish wedding. It’s also downright absurd that he would tell people that he was “half Jewish.” If your mother’s Jewish, you are Jewish, pure and simple. Even if Robert’s father had truly been Catholic (which he wasn’t; his name was Samuel Spiegel and he immigrated to America in 1907, lived with his Jewish, Yiddish-speaking cousins, and spoke Yiddish himself), Robert would have been Jewish because the status of being a Jew comes from the mother. Robert’s mother’s name was Fannie (nee Fleisfeder) Spiegel. Fannie’s parents were Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Libke (nee Rifkin) Fleisfeder. Esther’s parents were Mendel Rifkin and Sarah whose maiden name is lost to time and the disappearance of the shtetls. Robert’s claim to having had a Catholic father was utterly false, but is part and parcel of his ongoing compulsive daily lying about anything and everything.
Here is the story.
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Kolomyia, formerly known as Kolomea, is a city currently located in the Western Ukraine.
On January 21, 1892 (the same year that Kolomea tallis¹ workers went on strike for better pay and working conditions), Kolomea resident Rachel Katz, wife of Abraham Spiegel, gave birth to a son, who was given the name Schmuel.
On the date that Schmuel Spiegel entered the world, Kolomea was ruled by the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy, and almost half of the city’s residents were Jewish.
In June of 1907, fifteen-year-old Schmuel² boarded the Zeeland, which sailed from Antwerp, Belgium, arriving at New York Harbor on June 18, 1907. The ship’s manifest states that Schmuel’s father had paid for his transport, and that Schmuel intended to reside with his father, Abe, in Brooklyn. Schmuel was granted entrance, and took up residence with his cousin Charles Fetner, who resided at 353 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, in Apartment A with his wife Jennie and their baby daughter Ettie. The sparse record that exists suggests that although Schmuel’s father was, indeed, named Abraham, Abraham lived and died in Europe, without immigrating to America.
The 1910 census describes Samuel’s cousin Charles as a carpenter, who had been married to housewife Jennie for six years, and a father of three children-- Ettie age four, Nathan age two, and baby Jacob, who was not even a year old. Eighteen-year-old Samuel was identified by profession as a “Foreman Sailmaker” in an industry described as “pocket-books.”
Three and a half years after being granted admission, on a bitterly cold winter day, January 4, 1911, Schmuel (now employed as a pocket-book maker, and having Anglicized his name to Samuel) signed and submitted his declaration to become a United States citizen. He stated, in that declaration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
By 1915, Samuel had left his cousin’s abode and was residing as a lodger in the home of a widow named Rose Hammer, who lived with her two adolescent sons, Meyer and Louis, at 531 E. 5^th Avenue; Samuel was now working as a “driver.”
Two years after the 1915 state census was taken, Samuel had moved back to Myrtle Avenue, but this time at building no. 849. On June 15, 2017, Samuel registered for the draft, and described himself as being a pocketbook maker, working for “A. Shoenfeld,” at 101 Crosby Street, New York. He was single. He stated, in his draft registration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
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A woman named Fruma Fleisfeder was born in Beltz, Bessarabia, sometime between July 1, 1893, and 1901, to Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Lieba Rifkin. Fruma (not living up to her pious given name) provided different dates and years of birth to different authorities on different occasions, making it impossible at this point in time to know her true position in the birth order of her family. Regardless, Fruma, who began using the name Fanny upon her entrance to the United States, did have three brothers and a sister who also came to America-- Louis Fleisfeder who was born April 10, 1890, Max Irving Fleisfeder who used October 10, 1892 as his birthdate, Hersch (later known as Harry), whose official birthdate was December 15, 1901, and Sylvia who was born in approximately 1906.
On December 1, 1919, Fruma arrived in New York Harbor on the ship La Touraine, declaring her intention, at entry, to become a United States Citizen. The ship’s manifest describes her as five feet five inches tall, with fair hair, blue eyes, and a fair complexion. The ship’s manifest states that she was, at that time, age 24. If that were correct, she would have been born in 1895.
Fruma (then going by Fanny) took up residence with her cousin Ethel (nee Ruchlin) and Ethel’s husband Samuel Steinberg, on 15^th Street, Brooklyn. Soon thereafter, Ethel gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Theresa. The 1920 census states that Fanny was Russian, didn’t speak English but, rather, spoke Hebrew, and worked as a milliner in a millinery store. The 1920 census also states that Fanny was age 25, which lines up with her being age 24 in the prior year’s ship manifest.
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Sam and Fanny married in Manhattan on January 24, 1925. Their marriage certificate (signed by each of them) identifies Sam as being age 32 (contradicting, by one year, his immigration records which would have placed him at age 33), and identifies Fanny as age 24, the same age that she had claimed to be six years prior, and also contradicting an immigration petition that she would file two decades in the future, which generally placed her birth year at the mid-point of 1893.
If Fanny’s immigration records (which included a petition with her signature on it) were correct, Fanny would also have been age 32 as of her marriage to Samuel, not age 24.
So did Fanny lie in her marriage certificate? Or did she lie in her immigration petition?
The marriage certificate identifies Sam as having been born in Kolomea, Austria, and his father being Abraham, and his mother being Rachel Katz. It identifies Fanny as having been born in Beltz, Russia, to a father named Isaac, and to a mother named Esther Rifkin.
The marriage certificate does not identify Fanny as having any profession, but identifies Sam as being a pocketbook maker.
Sam and Fannie were married at 125 E. 4^th Street, Manhattan, a six-story apartment building with retail units on the ground floor that is now an expensive co-op, with three-bedroom units selling for over $900,000. Present-day real estate advertisements alternatively state that the building was built in 1894, 1903, and 1905.
The first name of the rabbi who officiated was Harry. His surname starts with Reid, but the remaining letters of his signature are illegible. Rabbi Harry identified his residence as 232 Broome Street, which, at the time, was a four-story mixed use building that, among other things, housed Chevrah Ahavath Zedek Anshei Jaskinover.
Witnesses to the marriage were Mayer Budmon and Samuel Steinberg.
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Sam and Fanny’s existence was documented next in the 1925 New York State census by census. They were living at 205 S. 2^nd Street. Samuel was still working as a “pocketbook maker.” Fanny was identified as a “housewife.”
Fanny was identified as age 25. This was in accordance with her age as stated on her marriage certificate, but not in accordance with her immigration documents or the 1920 census.
Sam was identified as being age 28, which conflicted with all prior records.
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In 1930, the couple were again enumerated, this time in the Federal census. The enumerator, whose signature appears to be “Max Krahn” (or something like that) stated that he obtained the information on April 16, 1930.
Sam was identified as a “framer” of pocketbooks. He was identified as being 36 years of age, which conflicts by two years with the age that he provided to immigration authorities. Perhaps the enumerator was simply sloppy; Samuel was also incorrectly identified in the 1930 census as having been born in “Poland,” with parents who were both also born in “Poland,” notwithstanding other governmental records having identified him as being Austrian. The language he spoke? “Jewish,” according to the enumerator. Was that to mean Hebrew? Yiddish? Both?
Fannie was identified as age 30 (directly in conflict with the information she supplied in her immigration petition, which bears her signature) and as being “Russian,” with parents born in “Russia.” The 1930 census enumerator incorrectly wrote that her year of immigration was 1921. Fannie, too, was identified by the enumerator as speaking the “Jewish” language.
Although later records reflected that Sam and Fannie had a son named Irving who was born in 1926, Irving was not recorded in the 1930 census. Was he missed by the enumerator? Or was he a later-adopted son?
The couple also had a boarder, identified by the 1930 enumerator as one Esther “Larson,” age 40, born in Russia, and similarly a speaker of the “Jewish” language.
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The New York Birth Index identifies a baby boy, Robert Spiegel, as one of many babies having been born in the city on January 21, 1932.
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On May 21, 1936, Samuel committed suicide by hanging in the family residence, a tenement apartment located at 1168 Union Avenue, in the Bronx. Although, based upon the date of birth that Samuel used for official governmental purposes he was age 44, the death certificate stated that he was age 43.
Fannie engaged the Gordon Funeral Home to prepare him for burial.
Strangely, although Samuel’s headstone accurately identified him in Hebrew as Schmuel Spiegel, son of Avraham, it inexplicably incorrectly stated that he died at age 40.
Fannie of course knew her husband’s real age; both of them signed the marriage certificate that had Samuel’s correct age listed. Furthermore, Samuel had petitioned for citizenship in 1911, and stated that his date of birth was January 18, 1892.
Why would Fannie commission a headstone with a false age? Perhaps she, like her son, was a compulsive liar. Maybe that’s where Robert got it from.
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The 1940 census has Fannie (identified as age 38), Robert (identified as age 8), and Fannie’s son/Robert’s brother, Irving Spiegel, age 13, as living with Fannie’s 72-year-old mother, Esther Fleisfeder, at 1537 Fulton Avenue, in the Bronx. Fannie and Esther were identified as widows. Esther was identified as “U” (unable to work), while Fannie was identified as engaged in housework. No source of income for the family was identified.
No explanation is obvious regarding where Irving was living in the census taken a decade previously. Was he adopted?
There is no “Irving Spiegel” listed in the New York Birth Index for either 1926 or 1927. There is an “Irving Spiegal” listed, who was born April 29, 1926. But he is not Irving Spiegel.
I initially thought that perhaps Irving might be one of the unnamed Baby Boy Spiegels born in New York in 1926 or 1927, and that he left the hospital unnamed because his parents were waiting for his bris before naming him. However, Robert left the hospital with the name Robert. Why wait until the bris to name one child, but not the other?
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Slightly less than two years after she was enumerated in the 1940 census, Fannie’s mother Esther died, at home, at 1537 Fulton Avenue. The causes of death were “Coronary Thrombosis, Pulmonary Oedema Nephritis, Hypertension, Arteriosclerosis.” Esther left this world on February 6, 1942, the same day that the W. L. Steed was torpedoed, shelled and sunk less than a hundred nautical miles east of the mouth of Delaware River by a German submarine.
She was buried at Mount Moriah Cemetery in Fairview, New Jersey, the same cemetery where her son-in-law Samuel was interred.
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On November 12, 1943, Fannie, now residing at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, in the Bronx, petitioned for citizenship. She claimed, in that document bearing her signature, to be fifty years of age, meaning that if she was telling the truth, she would have been born in approximately 1893.
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On January 19, 1948, Robert (having assumed a false date of birth, that being January 18, 1931), enlisted in the New York National Guard. On paper, he had turned age 17 the day before his enlistment. In reality, he would be turning age 16 two days after his enlistment.
On December 9, 1949, Robert was discharged from the national guard, apparently for having been AWOL.
The discharge document identifies his address as being 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City.
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The 1950 census places Robert again at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City. It correctly identifies him as age 18, and states that he worked as a shipping clerk for a newspaper company.
According to the 1950 census, Robert resided at the Bathgate Avenue address with his mother Fannie, who was purportedly still age 50 (seven years after she had previously claimed to immigration authorities to be age 50), and Robert’s brother Irving, age 24.
Irving was listed as unemployed and moreover, according to the census record, had not worked for the prior year. Fannie was employed full-time as a milliner in a hat factory.
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Military records reflect that Irving J. Spiegel, born in 1926 and a resident of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, who had completed two years of high school education, had flown bomber planes over Germany during the war. In his military documents, Irving described himself as single, with two dependents.
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On February 2, 1929, a baby girl given the name Aileen Beverly Leone Maxwell was born in Lucea, Hanover, Jamaica, to William Maxwell and Daisy (nee Tibbits) Maxwell. Her birth was registered by her parents.
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In 1954, Robert Spiegel and Aileen Maxwell were married in New York City. Their marriage license was given License No. 10284.
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The following year, the Kingston, Jamaica, Gleaner reported on June 6, 1955:
Miss Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell, was married recently in New York City to Mr. Robert Spiegel of the U.S.A. Both the bride and groom are students at the New York Institute of Dietetics. The bride left the island nearly two years ago for New York. Her wedding gown was chantilly lace and nylon tulle. The bodice was fashioned with a wide, scalloped neckline and elbow-length sleeves. Her three tier skirt of chantilly lace was over pleated nylon tulle. Her fingertip-length veil was adorned with pearls.
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If the claim regarding the couple studying at the New York Institute of Dietetics was even true, their studies at this institution didn’t last long. In May of 1956, a number of advertisements bearing Robert’s photograph appeared in the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner. The advertisements described Robert as a psychologist, author, lecturer, and “practitioner in auto suggestion,” and identified him as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.” Readers were invited to come meet Robert on May 21, 1956, at Record Plaza, where he would be autographing his “latest” “world-wide” 33 and 1/3 RPM record, “How to Stop Smoking in 7 days by Auto-Suggestion.”
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On May 1, 1959, three residents of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, Bronx, New York, came through customs, having returned from a trip to Jamaica. They identified themselves as “Robert D. Spiegel” born in New York (in addition to giving himself a false middle initial, Robert neglected to complete the I-94-A fully, specifically by leaving his birthdate blank), “Leonie A. Spiegel” born in Jamaica on February 2, 1929, and their minor daughter, and “Sharon S. Spiegel,” born in New York. Someone also neglected to fully complete Sharon’s I-94-A, specifically by leaving her birthdate blank.
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Leonie had taken Sharon to Jamaica two years earlier. There are no publicly available records pertaining to their outbound transport from the United States to Jamaica. There is, however, a record pertaining to their return to the United States. That publicly available record does not provide their address, but Sharon is identified as weighing 1 stone 5 pounds (a total of 19 pounds), and Leonie is identified as weighing six stone 5 pounds (89 pounds). Interestingly, Leonie used the name “Aileen Spiegel,” and the records assert that Aileen has no middle initial. Aileen was / is her true legal first name, but it is a lie to say that she has no middle initial.
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Almost two years later, on January 5, 1958, the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner reported:
Staying at the Tamarind Hotel are Mr. and Mrs. Bob Spiegel and daughter Sharon of Miami, Florida. Mrs. Spiegel is the former Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell of Lucea and has been in the United States for several years. A welcome party in their honour was given last Saturday night by Messers. Horrace, Ray, and Dennis Maxwell, brothers of Mrs. Spiegel. It was a very enjoyable affair.
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In 1963, roughly five years after their 1958 visit to Jamaica, Leonie petitioned for naturalization, in Louisiana. Although I am in possession of the index showing that she petitioned in 1963, I do not possess the petition itself. However, the fact that she petitioned for naturalization in Louisiana demonstrates that that at least she was residing in Louisiana at the time. Since she stated that she didn’t leave Robert’s side for over 40 years, presumably Robert, young Sharon, and also baby Michelle were living in Louisiana at that time.
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People who knew Robert personally relate that he stated that Leonie was a Cayman Island heiress. She wasn’t. Not only was she not born in the Cayman Islands, Leonie’s father’s estate was litigated (with the judge ruling against her) long before Robert started telling people that his wife was a Cayman Islands heiress.
Leonie’s father did leave an estate, but not to her. On November 9, 1967, the Gleaner reported that the Supreme Court had upheld the will of the late William Josiah Maxwell, the father of Horrace, Ray, Dennis, and Leonie, and the husband of Daisy Maxwell, who had contended that William’s signature was a forgery and that the person to whom his estate had been bequeathed had exercised undue influence. The court disagreed. The article reported:
The estate, which one of the executors described as “a sizeable one,” included 112 acres of land at Paradise and three houses at Lucea, Hanover.
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Robert apparently wasn’t banking on Leonie’s inheritance in any event. In May of 1966, advertisements appeared in the Houston Chronicle with Robert’s photo on them, selling a record that would purportedly assist people in stopping smoking in seven days. He identified himself as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.”
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On page 55 of the November 15, 1969, San Antonio, Texas Express and News, was an advertisement stating:
SCIENCE OF THE MIND
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel of Houston, director and founder of the Science of the Mind Foundation there, is conducting Sunday evening meetings at 7:30 p.m. in the Sheraton Inn, 1400 Austin Hwy.
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On page 4 of the July 10, 1970 edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram was a photograph of Robert, with a brief local news blurb:
GUEST – Dr. J Robert Spiegel of Houston, Science of Mind Foundation director, will speak at the 10:45 a.m. service tomorrow in First Church of Religious Science, 2001 6^th Ave. His subject is “What Religious Science Teaches.”
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On page 8 of the June 18, 1970 edition of the Houston Daily Cougar was this advertisement:
HOME OF UNIVERSAL LIFE
“Teaching Aquarian Meditation For The New Age
Meets Every Sunday, 11:00 A.M. At The World Trade Center Auditorium
Houston, Texas
DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL (BRAHMADANDA) DIRECTOR - FOUNDER
Aquarian Meditation Initiation for the first time offered through correspondence. For those sincere students wishing to bypass evolution and enter the 5th Kingdom. Initiation includes meditation technique, Mantra, how to "live” 24 hours a day, and much more. Write for application today:
P.O. Box 53328 Houston, Texas 052
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From the Galveston Daily News, May 02, 1971, Pg. 31:
AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY PRESENTS DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL AN AUTHOR, LECTURER, TEACHER OF YOGA & SELF DEVELOPMENT WILL SPEAK ON MAN, MIND & THE UNIVERSE WEDNESDAY, MAY 5th AT 7:30 P.M. IN THE RECREATION CENTER HARRIS COUNTY PARK, NASA RD. # 1 ALL WELCOME — DONATION $1.50
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The 1972 Spiritual Community Guide lists Robert twice, in the San Diego area. First, on page 117, using his alias “J. Robert Spiegel”:
THE TEMPLE OF METAPHYSICAL ABUNDANCE. J. Robert Spiegel, 1118 Torrey Pines Rd., 92037. Teaches yoga, nutrition, ESP, metaphysics, psychology, mind control
Second, on page 124, in which he, as one might have predicted, was masquerading as some sort of medical man or scholar:
"AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY, U. S. Grant Hotel, Attn: Dr. Robert Spiegel, 453-7588"
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Also in 1972, Volume 25 of San Diego Magazine published in November advertised gift certificates for the “Astrology Research Center.” “Give your loved one the gift of love. Only $50” said the advertisement. Where was this entity located? At 1118 Torrey Pines Road, the same address as Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance. The advertisement purported that person identified as “Lil Canaan” was the director. The telephone number was 459-6400.
In 2013, the San Diego Union Tribune published the obituary for Lillian Mulonas, who founded the La Jolla “Astrology Research Center.” At this point in time, unless Robert Adams’ only surviving daughter, Michelle/ Prentiss/ Avantae knows the answer and talks, we will not know what relationship, if any, existed between Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance and Lilian’s Astrology Research Center, both of which were located at 1118 Torrey Pines Road in 1972.
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From the July 12, 1973, San Diego Reader:
BRAHMADANDA FOUNDATION
“Teachings of the Cosmic Way” meets Sundays, 11:00 a.m., U.S. Grant Hotel, Crystal Room. Free admission, refreshments served. Call 453-7588 for more information.
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On page 51 of the June 29, 1974 edition of Phoenix’s Arizona Republic was the following advertisement:
Speaker from San Diego
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel from San Diego, a traveler and lecturer, will speak at 8 p.m., Friday in Universal Series Center, 4340 N. Seventh Ave., on the topic “Science of Being.”
He is the founder of the “Aquarian Meditation Society” in Jamaica and is founder and publisher of “Equinox,” a philosophical newspaper.
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The family (Adams or Spiegel, however one might want to refer to them) have resided in (that I know of) New York, Miami, Jamaica, Louisiana, La Jolla, Los Angeles, Houston, New Mexico, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Scottsdale, Sedona, and a number of cities in North Carolina.
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In at least the 1990’s, before he left for Sedona, Robert Adams used the address PO Box 7210, Jordan Avenue, D-30, Canoga Park, CA. He used that address on correspondence he wrote, and on at least one published document. Who else used that address? The data aggregators show that this address was also used by a Michelle K. Spiegel, and a person going by the name Leonie Maxwell. Michelle and Leonie also used other addresses associated with Robert, those being 1815 Willis Avenue Panorama City, and 21551 Burbank Boulevard, Woodland Hills.
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The California Birth Index shows that Michelle K. Spiegel was born on October 1, 1960, in Los Angeles County, to a mother with the maiden name Maxwell.
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In later life, Michelle used the addresses above that are associated with Robert and Leonie, as well as an address of 12004 Vanowen Street #14, North Hollywood. This is the same address at which Denniston Keith Maxwell, one of Leonie’s younger brothers, resided at, after his immigration to the United States. Denniston was one of Michelle’s uncles.
In a recent Facebook posting, Michelle/Avantae stated: “Never knew anything personal about said uncles, etc. Never asked, never cared.” Really? She shared an address with an uncle? Her uncle lived within a few minutes’ drive from her parents, and Michelle/Avantae never knew anything about him?
As an aside, Michelle/Avantae alleged (or admitted) that she “never cared” about anything personal regarding her uncles. If that is true, what does that tell us about Michelle/Avantae’s fundamental character? Antisocial? Psychopathic? Narcissistic in the extreme?
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On August 2, 1996, Michelle, going by the name Avantae E. Deven, married Tyson Ruben Alvarez in Las Vegas. The two had addresses in common in Arizona, Nevada, and Montana.
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Robert “Adams” died on or about March 2, 1997, in Sedona, Arizona.
Shortly after that, in the spring of 1997, “Nicole Adams” and “Avantae Deven” (both aliases; the correct legal names are Aileen Beverly Leonie Spiegel and Michelle K. Spiegel) purchased a home together in Sedona, on Navahopi Road. Shortly after the purchase, “Nicole” quit-claimed her portion to “Avantae.”
On July 17, 2001, Tyson, still married to “Avantae,” quit-claimed any interest in the Navahopi property to “Avantae,” and had the county recorder send the deed to “Avantae” in care of the Infinity Institute, at that time located at 9101 W. Sahara Ave. Suite 105 C29 (in other words, a private post box), in Las Vegas.
Avantae divorced Tyson in 2006. She had, by then, moved to North Carolina. She “served” Tyson via publication summons, claiming that she was unable to find him, despite his information being on multiple data aggregators.
You can go to various Facebook groups, and other sources, to pull up the documents that people have uncovered showing who is associated with the "Infinity Institute," and in what fashion, and also the addresses that they have used over the years.
In any event, this is the information regarding Robert that I think that people need to be aware of.
Why turn to a known liar and con man for spiritual guidance?
1A tallis is a prayer shawl.
2The ship’s manifest states that he was age 14, which conflicts by one year with what Samuel identified as his date of birth. These errors are not uncommon; his fare could have been purchased when he was age 14 and the records not updated.

I (19M) was always lonely throughout my life. I never had friends in school and never took part in any co-curricular activities. I would be jealous of my classmates with them hanging out with friends and being able to talk to girls, so I decided that after my high school I will try to make friends in college.
In college I met a group of people who I thought could be my friends. We would talk and have fun together. We would joke about each other. Even there were 2 girls in our group and with their friendly nature made me comfortable to talk to girls. Even there was a guy in the group who I would hangout with a lot. We would sit together and go to eat food together in the canteen or outside college.
I even started talking to a girl. She was really sweet and cute to talk to and we would bitch about our professors and at once shared playlists with each other. She was the one who asked me for my Insta ID. She would look and smile at me and wave at me. It was amazing. I thought my college life is going to be way better than my school life.
But it all came crashing down. In October me and my friends bunked our classes and went to the sports arena to play games. We were playing darts. One of the 2 girls, let's call her S, jokingly told one of the guys in our group that she would hit him on his head with a dart. So I jokingly told her that I would hit her with the dart but I accidentally pointed at her breast. I was looking at her face so I didn't realize it.
She got offended. She took the other girl, let's call her Z, and told her everything about this. Z confronted me and started shouting at me in the sports arena attracting everybody's attention. The Sports Officer came running towards us. He heard the entire story and took my ID card and told them to write a letter against me to the Dean.
After the letter was written he took me and the girls to the Dean who thought of this as a minor incident and told us we are legally adults and coming to him with these petty complaints. Then they told the Dean about me taking photographs of them and leaking them.
The day before I clicked S's photos of her eating a banana in the presence of our friend group. She took it very sportingly as a joke and I uploaded them to our personal Whatsapp Group. Everyone of us including her were laughing and giggling. But she and Z told that I took them without permission. They even told that I was never a friend and I was an outsider.
Dean got me suspended for 15 days because the next day our vacation would start so throughout November I was in my home. My mother uses this incident as a weapon to scold me evey now and then when we have arguments. And the worst was my crush.
During the days of my suspension I was in contact with my crush. She would even send notes of the classes of that day everyday throughout the suspension, but she didn't know I got suspended. Then when I rejoined college and started attending classes I sat far to my former friend group and behind my crush and she ignored me. Completely.
Throughout the whole day she would ignore me. That broke my heart. I was very upset and regretful for my actions. I think that my crush stopped taking to me because she got to know about this incident and misunderstood me. I have been hating myself for not respecting boundaries. Now I am all alone seeing my classmates enjoying their friendships and relationships. I think I deserve this.

first time post bc i just really need to vent. i feel like a broken person because i hate venting to people in person, even my closest friends, not like i have that many but still. whenever i have to talk about myself i cringe, even if it's not venting.
yesterday i had to look in the mirror for a long while. i'm a part of a theatre troupe, and had to work on an impression in front of a mirror. i genuinely think i'm ugly. have poor skin, i'm chubby but tall so i don't even look cute, my teeth look weird. i cried a bit while nobody saw, and when we had to show our progress to the director i couldn't do it, or even tell her what was wrong. every time i try to share something personal i feel inadequate and guilty, and that's what happened yesterday.
i know i could tell them (the director and my troupe mates) the truth and that i was upset, but i just feel so silly about even being concerned with things like this. i also know what they'll say - that it's not true and that i look fine. know that it's objectively not true, and that none of them understand because all the other girls are skinny and pretty. i feel bitter when i think about it like that, but it's just what i feel. i left without saying anything yesterday and consider quitting until next season. i'm just ashamed of the way i acted yesterday, but i still feel like that.
i feel unattractive, ugly and like something is really wrong with me. i've never had any even remotely serious relationships, and i'm starting to feel i never will all because i'm ugly. i just want to feel pretty

I also kind of like him but I’m really trying to move on because he hates me and likes someone else.
So for a few months he’d talk to me, like we sat together in a lesson and he’d always talk and laugh and smile at me and once he said I had nice eyes. If he passed me at school he’d say atleast a little something. It wasn’t much but we were atleast kind of friends. But I started liking him because he was quite nice and we had a thing where we’d jokingly tell each other to shut up. My friends thought he liked me but I knew he didn’t.
One day when we went back to school on Monday after the weekend he didn’t talk to me. At all , for the whole week. It was weird and it hurt. I didn’t understand, I hadn’t done anything wrong, nothing changed.
It’s been 3 months since that happened and he still hates me. I did ask if he had a problem with me and he said he didn’t, then blamed not talking on me on something that happened weeks after he originally started avoiding me.
But it really hurts how much he doesn’t like me. Like now he complains about sitting next to me when we used to chat a lot, and said it was the best day ever when the seating arrangement got changed. Which is just rude because I don’t bother him at all I just get on with my work while he talks to people around him.
He’s nice to most people and generally extroverted, so it’s obvious that he’s avoiding me, he’s not even trying to pretend he doesn’t hate me.
So after this has been going on for a while, I’ve started to hate him too. Realising how rude he’s been to me since I don’t think I did anything wrong.
It’s funny how you can hate someone but also get jealous when they flirt with other girls and feel hurt when they complain about sitting next to you. And that’s my vent, just needed to rant a bit.

What are your experiences with memory loss due to your epilepsy? I'm talking long or short-term.
Lots of us experience the loss after an episode.
How is that for you? Do you remember the whole day up to the episode? Do you black out? Do you have auras, and if so, do you remember the day that they showed up or the days before and after?
Please share your experience with memory loss. I have had a very hard time lately and need some support over this.
I have grand mals. I used to average 4 per day. They started at 17- can't find any reason, not eligible for any surgery due to the electrical activity not being isolated - aka they'd have to take my whole brain out, lol. Thanks to medicine, I am now down to just a few episodes a year! They range from 2-6 seizures within a 48-hour period, usually.
Without medication, my seizures are very long. The longest I've spent convulsing at one time was 17 minutes. I have almost died multiple times and experienced wild injuries from it.
Epilepsy lost me a full ride athletic scholarship to the best place in the world (unimportant, being relatively vague for internet reasons, haha). It has taken too much from me. But we just keep swimming. Ironically, another activity I'm not supposed to participate in.
Anyway, I'm just giving some background info. Feel free to share yours, too.
My brain damage is awful. I'm able to learn new skills/information, but if I don't repeat it every day, I lose it in about 4 days or so. I mis-remember many things and have lost a LOT of long-term memory. I don't remember childhood, and I can't remember what my family's voices sound like when I'm away from them for just a week or so. One of my favorite things to do is research, but it seems pointless in the long run. I still do it as a hobby, seeing as how it is fairly risk-free.
I was away from someone who was apparently one of my best friends for just a few years. When we reconnected, I didn't even know their name or face. I thought they were joking until they showed me pictures.
My short term is very bad as well. When I feel down about these things, I watch 50 First Dates to remind myself that people still care about me, good or bad brain, haha. It hurts because I am (not to brag) VERY smart. I have so much potential, but epilepsy kills it.
I could say a million more things, but I wanted to vent & ask about your experiences. You're never alone.
Cheers to good health, guys
edit lol, forgot the point of my title
I have all these issues, but I can learn songs within a day and always retain the lyrics and flow. Even just hearing a couple of seconds of a song clip, I usually can easily identify it. The brain is a wild instrument. I just wish I could tune mine.

Nearly two months ago I met a guy at a friend’s house party. Everyone was drunk and both of us hardly talked. I vaguely remember what we talked about but mostly we were just bantering with each other. The next day I sent him a request on Instagram and he followed me back. A few days later I realised that I might have a crush on this guy but I hardly know anything about him.
I have always found the concept of having a crush stupid and lame. What is crush if not lack of information. To me he’s a blank canvas and in my mind I could give him all the characteristics that I might like in him hoping that he turns out the same way I picture him in my mind.
It’s been almost two months and I am finding it extremely difficult to get him off my mind. I am feeling so anxious and uneasy. The most common advice would be to ask him out but I am not sure about that because he’s 5 years older than me and during the party he made a joke about me being 22 because most of the people at that party were older. I don’t even know if he’s single and the few mutual friends we have are not close enough to me so that I could discuss my curiosity with them or confide in them about my interest in him. I am very lost and I am kinda embarrassed to share this with my friends because they would be very judgemental if they find out that I am so so obsessed with this guy I absolutely know nothing about. Thinking about him and us has taken up so much of my time and mental energy. Like a creep I have stalked him everywhere and this behaviour is very much not like me.
I need help with making a decision and end this misery for once and all!

ive been told countless of times that i am ugly in school , ive always been picked on and boys would tell me they like me as a joke . i always been picked on about my looks and im tired of it . im tired of being treated differently because im ugly , i have always tried to be nice to people but that never works out for me because i always end up being laughed at and even by my own friends . im soon to be finished senior in highschool and in the morning as i was walking to my first period class , a group of boys were watching me and laughing . i wish someone found me attractive .
there is this boy i have a liking for , hes not tall and hes a little chubby , but i think hes cute . though hes one of those active media boys who makes bad choices and i know forsure i am not his type . ive never been rejected but thats because i never asked anyone . i want to ask him but i know how its going to go .
im giving up .

Updating as a listen!

• They start out by talking about how they are similar people, they both say what they are thinking and present their very real selves online which causes a lot of backlash
• KB asks what Maria was doing prior to being on the Bach?
• Maria worked for her families sprinkle company, they make sprinkles like the toppings lol Maria's Dad owned a chocolate factory prior so now they do this and Maria was his assistant
• KB asks Maria what made her nervous about doing their interview?
• Maria says that she was always a fan of KB and "wanted to be a Kaitlyn" if she went on the show. She was nervous about the interview because they are already comfy with one another so she wasn't sure what she was going to say.
• Maria tells KB that she actually went to one of her wine events a while ago and they met and took a shot together, KB says she remembers but also didn't remember lol
• Maria went on the show wanting to be different, be herself fully and push the limits

Maria's Storyline/Edit on the show

• KB says she didn't watch the season but that it really blew up and it seems like the show is fully back
• KB asks Maria if she thinks the drama on the show was portrayed accurately?
• Maria says she felt like the edit was very true to how it all happened. She said some girls claim they got bad edits but from her perspective it was a very honest edit
• Maria said that she didn't have anyone in the house coming to her defense but that she had also told the girls she was close with that they should just stay out of it and not come to her defense. The audience really had her back which was a nice feeling
• Maria says KB walked so she could run, feels like KB was very different on the show from the "norm" and opened the door for less perfect women to be on
• Maria asks KB if she has brothers?
• KB says she has a sister that feels like a brother. Says her and her sister both have dude energy "alpha energy", Maria says she does too. KB says she has girlfriends but loves guy energy

Talking about Maria wanting to go on the show

• KB brings up how Maria has stated she wanted to go on the show and that others say it's the wrong reasons. KB says she went on the show to build a brand/career and move forward in life. She doesn't think it's a bad thing, she went on to build a brand and also was open to falling in love
• KB asks about Marias thoughts on that?
• Maria says she has been open and honest about how she has always wanted to be on the show. She says people were responding well to that because she was honest about it. She wasn't asked to be on, she was asking what to do to get on
• Maria mentions Nick saying that she kept asking him to get her on the show. She says no, she did this all on her own. She says he put it out there like it was a dig but she had already been open about wanting to be on the show so she felt it didn't land
• Maria loved the show and was so open to it and felt the timing was perfect when she did go on because she felt ready for it
• As soon as she found out it was Joey, Maria contacted a producer she had been in contact with prior asking her to put her in the running to be on the season. 3 days prior to filming starting they called her and told her to pack and get ready to go
• Maria says every person on the show knows what they are doing and they want to be on the show, Maria is just one of the only people being honest about that

Jenn as Bachelorette

• Maria says she wants to clarify what she said about Jenn on another podcast. Jenn and Maria got really close after the show they were facetiming all the time and talking about wanting to be in relationships and how ready they were for that.
• Maria says during filming Jenn was giving it her all, dropping all walls and putting her full self into this
• Maria says Jenn was so ready to get engaged and get to the next stage of her life, and that is all she meant by what she said is that she is ready for that role
• She wasn't saying that Jenn was in the house talking about wanting to be bachelorette
• Maria says she wasn't super present on social media when the announcement was made because she wanted to make sure Jenn got love and support, all she wanted was for Jenn to get her chance
• She says Nick tried to make it seem like Maria said Jenn only got the opportunity because Maria turned it down but that she didn't mean it like that at all, she says it is Jenns opportunity and it was given to her
• KB says Nick knows that there is usually 4-5 people they will think about for the lead
• Maria asks if they can talk about Rob Mills, Maria says he is the coolest man on earth and KB says she loves him
• Maria says she told Rob Mills that Jenn is perfect for the lead because not only is she so ready for this she will also be important for representation. She is frustrated that her words got twisted into it seeming like she wasn't supportive of Jenn because all she wants is for Jenn to be successful. She wants to be able to share her story and how it unfolded for her while also being fully supportive of Jenn

Maria being offered the bachelorette/KBs time on the bachelor

• KB asks Maria if she regrets turning down bachelorette?
• Maria says no, she put her mental health first and wasn't ready for it and stands by her decision
• KB says she never thought they would pick her for bachelorette, Maria says she thought KB always had it in the bag
• KB says she was probs the most confident in her life when she was on the show and has gone backwards now
• KB says after her breakup with Shawn she said she would never date someone from the franchise again but obviously that wasn't true. She says they are all so attractive and also understand what the experience is like and what they have been through

Random off show stuff/One Direction???

• KB says she was in an athlete era and Maria asks if she was a "puck bunny" and they joke about it for a little while
• Maria is talking about how she would go downtown and go to concerts and meet people/go to after parties with them. What she has always said and done is to never sleep with them, "you want to hang out with them, become friends with them and be the girl they could never get"
• Maria is talking about knowing people (in bands? i don't know this lore sorry), and there was someone on tiktok telling false stories of her Dad being in a band and that's how she knows certain band members but that it's not true
• Maria says (I am going to fully translate this because I am a little lost and confused on the point): "The reality of it is that when you meet people you know, they know people who know people and then you just need to be the girl that never gets touched by these people so that they allow you to be around. And so I've been around them yes, yes. Have I hung around with certain band mates? Sure."
• KB asks which ones, Harry?
• Maria says she has met Harry and has a really funny story with Harry. Her Dad had a meeting in NY so she went with him, her friends told her that 1D was in NY staying at a specific hotel so she talked her Dad into staying at that hotel. Maria says she was walking to the elevators in the hotel and a bunch of fan girls were there screaming because Harry was going into the elevator, the security blocks anyone from going up but Maria had to pee and was a paying customer at the hotel so she gave them the finger and Harry laughed a ton. The security guard came back down and told Maria that Harry thought it was the funniest thing ever and wanted to meet her, so she got to meet Harry later that night. It was a very respectful and sweet meeting.

You! Are everything I've been looking for! All this time... I've been searching high and low, near and far when you've been right here all along, by my side! Watching, waiting, and protecting me from hurt, harm, and danger.... and at times from myself. All the times that things were uncertain, wrong, and bad. You were there.. softening the blow, the let downs, and heartaches. Never did I realise that it was you, or maybe I did at first glance, and just moved past it. Not letting it resonate as it should've. I became so accustomed to being treated any kind of way that it became the norm. I lowered my standards, allowed people to take advantage of me, and settled when I knew better than to do so. And yet and still... YOU WERE THERE. At the time, what I thought was "mending the heart" was actually me becoming numb. Removing my heart from situations so that when things don't go well, it's not a loss. If there's no loss, there's no way to be hurt! That was nice, but just going through the motions makes things less authentic. Baracade so thick and tall, the Great Wall of China would be intimidated. So today, I take a boulder to this wall of Shanita! I no longer wish to be in my cocoon. To be the hermit on the outside looking in... or the inside looking out! I long for meaningful connections. Allow me (higher self) to release my social anxieties! Allow me to deal with my personal issues so I'm not projecting onto others. We're not that little girl that was bullied for being too fat or too dark anymore! You are beautiful beyond measure, Shanita! Time to adjust your crown for real this time and get on with living life! Survival mode isn't living! And of all the people in the world, don't you feel as though you deserve it most??
An ode from me, to me

mentalhealth #fromme #tome #ode #bullied #youdeservetowin #anxiety #socialanxiety #higherself #nomore #ishallwin #fat #obesity #phat #dark-skinned #brownskin

The thing about this speech is that it doesn’t feel like two super beings having a grand debate about what should happen to the world or one side representing humans and the other representing Ghouls. It’s just two people discussing about their views on everything that has happened throughout the series and just comparing their ideologies. Furuta’s is cold and nihilistic believing that life has no meaning and this world is fucked up so he can do whatever he wants no matter who he hurts and doesn’t understand how Kaneki can stay so hopeful after all the trauma which let’s face it if we were in Kaneki’s place we would have given up a long time ago. Kaneki on the other hand sees a hidden beauty to this world and remains hopeful stating that while he has suffered a lot he’s also gained so much more he found teachers (Yoshimura and Arima), Friends (Hide, Nishiki and Tsukiyama), Allies (Banjo, Ayato and Amon), Comrades (The Quinxes) and love (Touka) and by thinking about all of the people he has in his life now he’s fine with suffering if he can be with them. Furuta doesn’t understand this as he had none of that the only person he ever loved didn’t give a damn about him. So Furuta accepts his fate and that he’s going to die and that his life basically amounted to nothing. Furuta then decides to tell Kaneki what he believes to be a joke asking if he would laugh if Furuta said he wanted a normal life but Kaneki decides to comfort him in his last moments by saying he wouldn’t laugh because deep down despite how much he’s changed Kaneki is still the same kind man we saw all those years ago in that coffee shop. With this Furuta looks back to when he was a child, accepts his fate and dies peacefully. This is my favourite moment in the entire franchise both manga and anime and made Kaneki and Furuta some of my favourite characters in any form of media.