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I run a small hedge fund based out of Raleigh, NC. Myself and my Fund are long $HAYPP. Please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the post. For more blog posts like this check out my Fund's blog at https://www.rogue-funds.com/blog
Also if you would like to see this blog post with pretty pictures you can also check out: https://www.rogue-funds.com/blog/haypp-group
All Financial Figures are in USD unless otherwise specified.
I think HAYPP Group, the biggest online retailer of nicotine pouches, can capture a huge chunk of the sales in what I believe will be the biggest form of nicotine intake growth over the next 10-15 years.
The future of nicotine consumption will be nicotine pouches and it is growing at an unprecedented rate. Here in the States the go to item for nicotine pouches are Zyn’s (owned by Philip Morris), in Europe it’s Velo (owned by British American Tobacco), but there are various other brands that all catching fire: ON! (Altria), Rogue, Juice Head, FRE, Lucy, and Sesh, among various others.
What is HAYPP?
Brief History
HAYPP is an online retailer and distributor of nicotine pouches and snus. The company was started by a couple of Swedish teenagers in 2009 and through mergers and acquisitions they no longer are in charge of the company as the current CEO joined in 2017/2018. The company bought Nicokick.com and northerner.com (northerner owns 9% of stock) which are now both of their main American brands. They switched from Snus to Nicotine Pouches 6 years ago and haven’t looked back.
HAYPP currently owns a roughly 85% online market share for their Nordic part of the business, which they refer to as their “core” business as well as a ~55% market share of the oral nicotine market (85% market share of the legal nicotine pouch e-commerce market) for their growth market which is considered the US, UK, Germany, and Swiss countries.
SEO Powerhouse
So how do they have such a grasp on what would obviously be a hyper competitive online industry? The main reason for their hyper success in the online market is that they have a death grip on the SEO landscape. Their mastery of SEO allows them to spend almost nothing on marketing and to keep pushing out their distribution system (which continues to drive costs down for them and consumers). This creates a positive feedback loop as they become even cheaper than their competitors, allowing them to lock in customers (over 90% of the customers becoming recurring customers).
If you google just about anything related to Nicotine pouches, there is probably a 95%+ chance that the top unpaid search result will be a HAYPP Group Domain. Even niche searches such as “what is an upper decky” (Gen. Z slang for nicotine pouches) or basic searches such as “what are the top nicotine pouches” you will see that HAYPP Group owns the top of the search.
This is huge when sites like Google severely limit the amount of advertising that addictive products can utilize on their search engine. HAYPP ends up barely spending anything on marketing due to 40% of new customers coming through word of mouth and the rest from SEO.
Data
Their other field of expertise is data collection and selling. Due to the large variety of pouches and being the number one online seller of nicotine pouches, they have created a major database which they sell to various nicotine pouch producers such as Philip Morris and Altria. Producers buy these on an annualized basis, and you can see the usage of their data among the investor relation reports/presentations/websites of various producers. As you can see from my beautiful pictures on this post, they compile plenty of data to help me understand the business better.
Lowest Cost Seller and Best E-Commerce Distribution
Due to their distribution network, HAYPP has become one of the cheapest (if not the cheapest) sellers of nicotine pouches in the world. You can buy Zyn’s cheaper from HAYPP websites than you can from the ZYN website. Haypp’s prices are 20-40% cheaper than grocery stores and 30-50% cheaper than convenience stores.
They have been integrating their distribution network so that most variable costs are being converted to vertical fixed costs creating operating leverage for them as they rapidly scale their revenue and are able to increase margins. They have implemented 2-day delivery across the US and close to implementing across Europe markets as well.
Leveraging Market Share for High Quality New Products
The last part of their business model is their ability to leverage their large consumer base to help new products capture market share, which allows them to capture higher margins on their products and it increases the variety of products which consumers would like to buy. In Nordic countries the variety of products is a benefit to them as consumers want to try various brands and flavors. When this competition trend hits the US it will only benefit them even more.
Why Haypp vs Pouch Companies
Currently in the US there are only a couple main brands with Zyn owning a huge chunk of the market. In Europe, Velo is the most popular brand but there are many Nordic brands that consistently attack margins and currently there is little competition in the US market which most likely won’t last much longer. As consumers search out the cheapest product and try to hunt for variety, HAYPP will be that future as convenience stores lag in variety and cost.
Products such as Zyn will definitely continue to grow (currently Zyn is growing at 70% y/y) but we could see margins shrink as competition becomes fiercer and consumers branch out away from the first movers, although Zyn continues to take up 70% of the US market. This only further benefits HAYPP as they are the go-to spot for a large amount of variety. Although they don’t benefit as much from less competition, they are still beneficiaries of an oligopoly esque market due to their cost and distribution networks.
Most large publicly traded pouch companies are also cigarette and chewing tobacco sellers who are rapidly seeing those segments get cannibalized by vaping and nicotine pouches combined with regulatory crackdown risk. Since HAYPP has no exposure to either one, you will not experience any cannibalization outside of snus cannibalization in the Nordics. This is the best pure play bet on nicotine pouch consumption.
Certain countries have limited the ability for consumers to have access to nicotine via retail stores which will allow them to take huge shares of the overall market in places like Germany or in California where they have banned flavored nicotine products in retail stores has led to windfall of customers to HAYPP’s e-commerce model.
Management
The current CEO of HAYPP group, Gavin O’Dowd, used to work for British American Tobacco (BAT) and was the driving force for the VELO acquisition. He currently owns 3.6% of the stock and various other PE firms and Family Offices own large chunks of HAYPP. Most executives have warrants that could give them the right to 200k-400k shares each (29m shares outstanding with no serious history of dilution).
Regulations
As many of you are aware, regulations are a huge part of the nicotine industry. Taxes are going to be huge risks, which are then combined with flavor bans. I think nicotine pouches are one of the products that are least likely to get hit with serious bans since their health risk is much lower than almost any other nicotine product.
The nicotine pouch industry as a whole has been behaving spectacularly well when it comes to ensuring they are not purposefully marketing to young people. They are trying to avoid having a Juul 2.0 fiasco which basically murdered that business and completely fragmented the vaping industry which is on the brink of regulatory crack down.
HAYPP does their part by ensuring age regulation across their whole site. They have age verification to order and deliver. They have a huge emphasis on ensuring that they abide by the law.
Financials
Core Segment (Nordic Countries)
The company is growing heavily in every segment that it operates in. Its core segment seems to be slowing down in growth due to heavy cannibalization from snus sales. This should only be temporary as nicotine pouch volume grows at 30%+ y/y. Once snus nears its cannibalization endpoint, I would expect revenue to begin growing again in its core market (although not at 30%). Current revenue is $250m USD and EBITDA is about $18m USD for just the core segment for the last twelve months. Management expects high single digit EBITDA margins for 2025.
Growth Segment (US, UK, Germany, Switzerland)
The growth segment is skyrocketing. Growth is over 46% y/y and this growth has been consistent and should continue to be consistent. EBITDA margin for the growth markets has begun to inflect positively which will cause a massive amount of leverage in their EBITDA to occur as their fixed cost model begins to do its job. As economies of scale drive forward, we should see this margin increase substantially over the coming years. Currently Revenue is at $77m USD for growth markets and EBITDA is at -$3.5m USD.
Let’s Talk about the Growth Segment a bit more.
This is where the real value from HAYPP will come into play. While it currently begins to inflect positive in terms of profitability, it should be noted that the Growth markets have a massive TAM compared to their core market and could cause the company to 5x in the next few years if they maintain or gain market share and continue to grow in these massive TAMs.
As they grow, their competitive advantage deepens due to sticky customers and cheaper products from economies of scale. The US has an even faster scale of 49%+ growth y/y and HAYPP is outpacing the US nicotine pouch growth at 57% y/y. As the US begins to approve various products and variety begins to flood the US market, a ton of US users want to try various Nordic brands that don’t have access which lends a very strong lean towards an online website such as HAYPP. The US is a very ripe environment along with the UK and Germany (where nicotine can only be sold online) for HAYPP to continue to outperform massively.
Emerging Segment
Their “emerging” segment is where they have begun to introduce vapes into their value chain. HAYPP is beginning to sell vapes to UK and Germany, but it is at the very beginning stages and has no current significant impact on their bottom or top line. The company says the growth they are experiencing in this segment has been very similar to the growth that they experienced when they introduced Nicotine Pouches in growth markets. This is the most likely segment to get hit with regulatory concerns, so for now I won’t even consider this in a to be a profitable unit and will just assume it will be a small drain on EBITDA for the foreseeable future.
Balance Sheet
The balance sheet is great with no large debt burden and good working capital management. As they hit profitability this yeaearly next year I would expect a cash build up until the company decides if they will be returning cash to shareholders or reinvesting in the business.
Valuation
HAYPP is extremely undervalued based on where they are from a profitability standpoint and their current inflection point. Due to their high growth, it will be hard to pinpoint an exact value on them so this will merely be an exercise in estimating their value among a range more than usual (anyone who claims they can perfectly value a high growth company is probably overvaluing due to unsound conviction).
First let’s look at how they are currently valued, which is roughly 14x their core EBITDA. Now let’s take a second and think about how insane that statement was. Their core market is the Nordic countries which will be hitting growth again as their snus cannibalization slows, the Nordic countries basically have no further regulation risk for nicotine pouches, and it is a noncyclical industry. I would argue that 14x their core EBITDA is probably an appropriate valuation based on only their core segment.
What this means is (if you haven’t noticed already) that you are getting their “growth” segment for free based on the valuation of the stock. The growth segment alone is probably worth multiples of the current stock price due to the massive TAM and extreme growth prospects. If we assume the emerging segment is worthless (which it isn’t and it will be profitable at some point) then that means all of the upside in the stock can be based on what the value of the growth segment. Based on TAM, growth, and lack of cyclicality then this leaves the only risk as regulation.
There will most likely be some sort of regulation, but we are very far from that as the Tobacco industry has been very careful in how they implement their new nicotine pouch momentum in a more appropriate way compared to vapes. The most likely regulations will probably be flavor bans of some sort or retail bans (which further benefits HAYPP). Regulations will most likely be limited in scope due to just the sheer lack of mortality risk associated with pouches vs any other form of common nicotine intake.
Based on their probable conservative revenue growth (40% average for the next 3 years, and 15% after that), EBITDA growth, the fact that they will have both core and growth markets at high single digit EBITDA margins in 2025, and their lack of cyclicality, then I would estimate that their Growth markets are worth a very conservative $400m-$500m USD. I am likely undershooting the valuation because they are driving profitability very fast and their revenue is growing closer to 40%-60% in growth markets right now. If they are able to keep up current growth figures and expand to double digit margins before the end of the decade then they could be worth 2x-3x this value (which is why valuing growth companies are so hard, because I can’t foresee the future). Again, I valued the emerging segment as worthless which is unlikely as well.
So, based on the value of $450m USD for the growth markets and the current value of $240 USD for the Nordic markets, that would create a sum of the parts equal to roughly $700m or nearly triple the current share price. This valuation leaves a ton of room for margin expansion and higher growth prospects because let’s face it, the US alone is probably worth at least 3x-5x more than the Nordic countries not including the UK, Germany, or Swiss. This is a very conservative valuation for the company, but it shows how great the risk/reward is based on the current price. Using a conservative valuation here also helps accommodate for regulation risk.
In SEK terms this would be 250 SEK/share or 7.35B SEK.
Conclusion
Even accommodating for regulation risk, a valuation of $700m seems appropriate as a starting point for the valuation for HAYPP Group. I think there is a very high likelihood that I could be off on this by a large margin, but I feel like the downside is very protected with this valuation. Management has been great in execution and I expect that to continue. In a more bullish case where every segment of the company fires on all cylinders we could see a valuation of $1.5B+, but that is not a scenario that I would like to bet my investors’ money on. For now, I will stay invested and keep watching them execute and adjust my valuation accordingly.
Disclaimer: The author of this idea and his Fund have a position in securities discussed at the time of posting and may trade in and out of this position without informing the reader.
Opinions expressed herein by the author are not an investment recommendation and are not meant to be relied upon in investment decisions. The author is not acting in an investment adviser capacity. This is not an investment research report. The author's opinions expressed herein address only select aspects of potential investment in securities of the companies mentioned and cannot be a substitute for comprehensive investment analysis. Any analysis presented herein is illustrative in nature, limited in scope, based on an incomplete set of information, and has limitations to its accuracy. The author recommends that potential and existing investors conduct thorough investment research of their own, including detailed review of the companies' SEC and CSA filings, and consult a qualified investment adviser. The information upon which this material is based was obtained from sources believed to be reliable, but has not been independently verified. Therefore, the author cannot guarantee its accuracy. Any opinions or estimates constitute the author's best judgment as of the date of publication and are subject to change without notice. The author and funds the author advises may buy or sell shares without any further notice. This article may contain certain opinions and “forward-looking statements,” which may be identified by the use of such words as “believe,” “expect,” “anticipate,” “should,” “planned,” “estimated,” “potential,” “outlook,” “forecast,” “plan” and other similar terms. All such opinions and forward-looking statements are conditional and are subject to various factors, including, without limitation, general and local economic conditions, changing levels of competition within certain industries and markets, changes in legislation or regulation, and other economic, competitive, governmental, regulatory and technological factors, any or all of which could cause actual results to differ materially from projected results.

Hey all,
Posted at /Fallout as well but it might be more appreciated here.
I played during the beta and a bit after launch but life got in the way and the then somewhat "dead" wasteland made me put the game down but after watching the TV-series I got an itch to pick it up again and saw that fallout 1st was 50% off on here and thought hey why not make the best of the situation. But to my suprise when I went purchase Fallout 1st on the Swedish Xbox store and it was discounted from SEK 154 to SEK 8.75 which is a whole lot more than the 50% elsewhere and even less than a dollar USD. Just a heads up because the sale expires soon.

Hey all,
I played during the beta and a bit after launch but life got in the way and the then somewhat "dead" wasteland made me put the game down but after watching the TV-series I got an itch to pick it up again and saw that fallout 1st was 50% off on here and thought hey why not make the best of the situation. But to my suprise when I went purchase Fallout 1st on the Swedish Xbox store and it was discounted from SEK 154 to SEK 8.75 which is a whole lot more than the 50% elsewhere and even less than a dollar USD. Just a heads up because the sale expires soon.

Mcm yang kita tau, kita selalu panggil kdm² sja kan teda nama rasmi. Baru² ini Datuk Ewon Benedick telah mencadangkan pengunaan terma Momogun untuk bangsa kdm. Momogun National Congress (MNC) telah bekerjasama dgn YB Datuk Ewon Benedick untuk mempopularkan penggunaan Momogun ini. Contoh penggunaan Momogun: Momogun Tatana
Manakala Datuk Jeffery Kitingan pula mau penggunaan rumpun Dayak bagi semua kaum di Sabah. Contohnya: Dayak Tatana Imej Dayak di Sabah terumanya di Kuala Penyu memang dikaitkan dengan unsur negatif. Ada cerita bilang dayak putung kepala orang kita la etc.
Jadi soalan sia, apakah gelaran yang paling sesuai untuk nama "payung" KDM?

Aku perlukan distraction ni coz sekarang ni aku tengah sakit gigi. So aku nak korang kongsi la pengalaman korang time korang sakit gigi. Apa yg korang buat? Terus ke klinik gigi or just ambil painkillers? Or just tahan sakit tu macam tu je?? Or korang ada petua sakit gigi yg korang boleh kongsi?
Sejak awal bulan Mac lagi aku dah mengalami masalah gigi yang teruk, sakit gigi dan kesakitan di sekeliling bahagian kanan rahang/muka , telinga dan leher aku. Masa awal bulan Mac tu, aku tak buat apa-apa sgt coz rasa sakit itu taklah terlalu teruk dan dapat diredakan dengan painkillers (Naproxen Sodium), dan aku jugak kunyah bawang putih tiap kali aku sakit sakit gigi and it really worked!
Sampaila sekarang ni, akhir bulan April and dah masuk bulan Mei, aku mula mengalami sakit gigi yang paling teruk sekali. Aku rasa sakit ini disebabkan oleh gigi atas aku yang retak and dah berlubang. Bahagian kanan rahang/muka, telinga dan leher aku sakit giler sampai berdenyut2. Kadang2 aku bimbang kalau2 jangkitan teruk ni dah sampai ke otak aku. Macam nak pecah kepala aku dibuatnya. Salah aku jugak sebab malas pergi klinik gigi utk check up😭. Padan muka aku.
Semalam, aku ambik masa lebih kurang 4 jam untuk tidur coz of sakit gigi yg teramat sangat! Aku try berkumur dengan air garam and kunyah bawang putih. Sakit tu hilang la sekejap sebelum pusingan ke-2 sakit tu start lagi. Aku ambik painkillers tapi tak berkesan sangat. Serius wei, aku rasa sakit gigi la sakit yang paling teruk sekali sampai tak boleh nak tidur, tak boleh nak buat pape pun. Rasa cam nak nangis je.
Esok aku nak try ke klinik gigi nak cabut terus gigi yg rosak ni. Harap2 semuanya dipermudahkan esok.
Thanks pada yg sudi baca cerita aku and thanks pada yg sudi kongsi cerita/pengalaman sakit gigi korang!
Edit: Aku baru je balik dari klinik (KKM) tadi. Alhamdulillah dah remove pun gigi yg rosak ni. Nasib baik tak sakit time doktor remove coz doktor bg ubat bius. Doktor ckp susah jugak nk remove coz gigi aku dah tinggal separuh 😬 tp Alhamdulillah, semuanya dah settle. Hrp2 lepas hilg kesan ubat bius ni xla sakit sgt.
Again, thanks sangat2 pada yg sudi baca story/experience aku and thanks juga pada yg sudi share story/pengalaman korang😁. Rupa2nya, ramai gak yg senasib dgn aku.

SNS had a flash sale and in a never before heard of event, they only had my size left. So I got these for SEK 2000 (USD 185) shipped. So much for waiting for the chives :)

Obat di Indonesia versi generik vs merk, mitos dan fakta sebenarnya gimana sih?
Baru² ini gw diharuskan minum obat jantung seumur hidup. I am a male in my early 40s. Bokap bersikeras bahwa gw hrs beli obat bermerk karena obat generik tidak ada tambahan zat yg mencegah kerusakan ginjal utk penggunaan jangka panjang. Bokap juga sdh minum obat sejak dia umur 40an (which is around 30 years ago) dan selalu obat bermerk.
Gw tipe org yg skeptis, ga gampang percaya, jadi gw coba googling soal resiko obat generik ke ginjal dibandingkan obat bermerk. Sejauh ini gw ga nemu artikel apapun yg bisa mendukung klaim bokap gw, jadi diem² gw belinya obat generik spy menghemat uang (harganya beda jauh dgn bermerk). Gw ga mau buang uang utk sesuatu yg hanya mitos. Apalagi gw bakal beli obat itu terus seumur hidup
Yang gw tau obat generik itu murah karena itu dulunya obat bermerk yg masa hak patennya (20 tahun) sudah habis jadi bisa diproduksi oleh siapa saja, bukan cuma si pemegang paten aslinya. Bisa murah karena tdk ada lagi beban biaya R&D di situ.
Gw jg tahu bahwa dokter dapat "persenan" dari sales obat bermerk (medrep) jadi dokter akan lebih untung kalau pasiennya beli obat bermerk dibandingkan generik.
Di sini gw berusaha cari kebenarannya seperti apa. Apakah obat bermerk beneran lebih aman drpd generik? Atau itu cuma isu yg "dibiarkan" utk membuat org takut beli obat generik? Utk efektifitas, gw tahu obat generik sama efektifnya dgn bermerk karena zat intinya sama (diharuskan sama oleh BPOM). Gw mempertanyakan zat kimia tambahannya, apa benar obat generik tdk punya kimia tambahan yg membuat lebih aman dikonsumsi utk jangka panjang? Sudah adakah studi yg mendukung ini? Atau sekali lagi ini cuma mitos yg dibiarkan menyebar spy obat bermerk tetap laku meskipun sudah ada versi generiknya?
Buat yg blm paham obat generik, gw ksh contoh ya. Tau Panadol kan? Itu obat bermerk. Elo bisa beli obat generiknya, bilang aja paracetamol. Itu kimia kandungannya Panadol.

I have old but working Comprehensive Bulk tape eraser on Ebay for sale if anyone is interested. https://www.ebay.com/itm/296377353908?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=UenO-QbHSEK&sssrc=2047675&ssuid=UenO-QbHSEK&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY
I also have a working HD-SDI Utah 400 96x132 router with two panels. If anyone is interested parts or whole.

Sebenarnya. Aku cerita kat sini sebab aku tak tahu nak cerita kat siapa. Tapi. Aku kena luah sebab aku dah asyik nangis je ni
Jujur aku cakap, aku penat dgn hidup. Aku penat untuk hidup. Org luar maybe akan kata i have such a perfect life, tapi. Aku banyak lalui onak duri.
First. Aku sakit. Sakit aku ni autoimmune. Badan aku serang sel sel sendiri. Sakit teramat level menangis. Setiap malam aku makan berkoyan-koyan ubat. Sampai tak larat. Sakit aku, bila dia datang, memang aku tak termampu nak buat apa-apa. Tapi hidup perlu diteruskan.. kan?
Second. Aku rindu. Rindu pada lelaki yang aku sayang. Sayang aku pada dia, even when it was so hard to love him, when i was hurting so bad, aku tetap pilih dia. Walaupun aku banyak luka, aku tetap sayang dia. Tapi. Terlalu banyak luka. Terlalu banyak rahsia. Aku, kalau boleh, nak spend hidup aku dengan dia. Dia pernah cakap, dia akan ada dgn aku selamanya... Tapi, benda dah berubah...kalau orang dah tak nak... apa boleh buat? Aku tak nak paksa sesiapa...
Mak aku pernah cakap, dia nampak aku happy sangat bila aku dgn dia. Tapi. Mungkin... entahla.
Every time jumpa, aku berzikir pada diri sendiri yang things are no longer the same, walhal. Aku rindu. Teramat rindu. Dan walaupun kami masih baik, in contact, satu hari nanti mesti akan drift apart. Dan aku takut hari itu sampai, hari itu akan menyaksikan aku hilang dia selamanya. Itu yang buat aku menangis
Third. All these, aku merasakan hidup aku sebenarnya tengah falling apart. Kalau dulu, aku ada dia, sekarang aku tak berani nak cerita. Takut jadi beban pada dia. Pada orang. So aku kena belajar balik hidup sorang.
Dan hari ni, aku menangis semahu-mahunya. Sebab aku penat.
Aku just nak aman dan bahagia, dicintai dan mencintai, disayangi dan dihargai. Aku just nak sedikit bahagia yang aku boleh bawa sampai bila bila.
But maybe. I dont deserve the love that I give.
Thank you stranger melayan aku.
Selamat malam dunia.

Once again, a company that has been revolutionizing the field of medical training with VR simulators and software for robotic surgery for years and receives little media attention. It's hard to believe!
Well, as usual, here's a brief summary from my detailed report (available to read for free on Substack) on Surgical Science (Ticker: SUS)

• Leading Niche Player: Through the acquisition of key competitors, it created a quasi-monopoly position in medical simulation space; works with well-known OEM’s like Intuitive Surgical and Aura Health (owned by J&J)
• Strong Growth: Between 2013 and 2023, including acquisitions, sales increased from SEK 33.9 million to SEK 882.9, at a CAGR of around 39%
• High-Margin Licensing Business: Industry/OEM segment reported a +23.8% YoY growth in FY23, where licensing revenues constitute around two-thirds of the segment's revenues with gross margins exceeding 90%
• Solid Balance Sheet: With no debt, equity/asset ratio of 0.9x and around SEK 630 million in cash; enough dry powder for further, smaller acquisitions
• Growing Robotic Surgery Market: Main market of robotic-assisted surgery (RAS) is expected to reach USD 14 billion by 2026 growing at a CAGR of 11% Have you heard of this company? Or have you ever looked into robotic surgery in general? I can't wait to hear what you think.

Have you heard of this company? Or have you ever looked into robotic surgery in general? I can't wait to hear what you think.

Cerita nya gini aku pribadi lagi mau Deket sama seseorang yang dulunya temen satu kampus kita udah saling kenal satu sama lain sampe sering juga diajak main kerumah dia ataupun main bareng keluar bareng nah permasalahannya selama ±3thn ini hubungan kita tuh gak jelas ntah Itu kita cuma temenan atau ngga nih,
Saran dong kalo aku mau tembak dia tapi nggak bikin canggung kalo semisal ditolak harus gimana ya agan agan semua ?
Terimakasih sebelumnya

Halo komodos, gw dari dulu pernah kepikiran kek buat cerita dikit gt disini, gw 20 (M), tapi takut kalo cerita gada hasil apa apa. Gw sangat memandang diri gw rendah dibanding semua org bahkan adek sendiri. Gw ada masalah personal dengan diri gw dan gw ngerasa gw hipokrit karena gw bisa treat others fine or even better but not myself. I see myself as a tool, just give me a bit of maintenance (a bit of attention or being included), and i'll do everything to you.
A little background, gw dibesarin dengan didik kasar sama bokap and it works, tapi entah kenapa belakangan ini gw merasa kalau yg diucapkan oleh ortu gw itu kadang ada yg personal ada yg emotional dump, dan kadang gw merasa sakit hati kalo di ucapin yang memang tidak seharusnya diucapin gt. Bokap gw sih yang biasanya gitu, cuma gw gapapa lah ga mempermasalahkannya, mungkin beliau lagi capek or somewhat lagi ada masalah. Gw ama bokap ga terlalu deket as a result (gw takut sampe skrg ama beliau, tapi masih bisa kalo sekedar komunikasi but not heart to heart, just man to man). Gw dipaksa terus buat ngomong ama bokap kek ngomong apa aja, yang dimana gw gabisa karena gw emg ada luka batin dari kecil buat selalu nerima rant nya dia unconditionally or even get a bit of physical abuse, which im fine cause what could i do. Selalu aja bokap itu ngomongin tentang hubungan emosional but at the same time beliau ngomong kalo anak itu yang ngerti orang tua, bukan sebaliknya. Bokap gw emang egonya besar kalo udah ranah personal, jadi anggep aja ngerawat gw itu out of responsibility, but there is almost no love carried, which is different compared to my sister. Gw gapernah dengki sama siapa siapa di rumah walau udah di perlakukan se kocak itu, soalnya gw emang dikasi tau sama nyokap kandung gw sebelum meninggal buat tetep jadi orang baik, jangan besar egonya, sama tetep inget sama semua kebaikan orang. Gw sendiri emg tipikalnya yang pasrah dan ngalah terus karena yaaa dari kecil emg disuruh ngalah terus mau aku bener ato salah wkwkw. Itulah kenapa gw merasa kalo gw ini gada valuenya samsek, dipandang rendah, dan gapernah dianggap "ingin jadi dewasa", karena bokap gw selalu ngomongin itu ke gw apalagi kalo beliau ada rasa jengkel gatau kenapa tb tb gw targetnya, ya intinya gw jadi target kalo mau di kasarin apa aja bentuknya, dan ntar abis biasa lagi gada maafan gt kek yodah langsung aja ngomong ke gw kek gada perasaan bersalah wkwkw.
Jadi, ceritanya adalah dari akhir januari (2 hari terakhir januari) rumah tangga bokap gw mulai kacau, bener bener yg pertama kali bikin gw ketakutan buat kerumah, singkat cerita nyokap tiri mulai kek orang kesetanan, dan gw yang jadi target marahannya selain ke bokap gw, entah deh gw ada salah apa sama beliau tapi gw gapernah yang namanya ngerugiin orang dari segi apapun, yah mungkin nyokap tiri lagi cape ato gimana tapi ini berlangsuung sampe skrg boi wkwkw, gw disini juga posisi sahabat gw keknya nge cut off gw gatau kenapa (dari 20 jan), dan gw bener bener merasa messed up yang baru yang sama sekali belom pernah gw rasain, kek beneran jatuh yang sukar banget bangkitnya, dan gw sempet ngerasa kalo ini bom waktu sampe gw kelar kuliah terus dpet kerjaan baru di kick gw dari rumah wkwk. Inti dari permasalahan di keluarga gw itu sebenernya gw gatau karena nyokap tiri gw emang gajelas marah" nya, tapi dari apa yg gw dapat karena itu semua rant isinya repetitif semua, itu karena adanya ketidakadilan dalam keluarga gw.... which is actually nonexistent because my father did alot for our family??? Nah terus ini ada yg lucu lagi, kan nyokap tiri gw marah marah lagi gatau lah kenapa, tiba tiba nyuruh bokap gw (bokap gw 20 taun lebih tua btw, so age gap nya gede wkwk) buat kumpulin sekeluarga di meja makan, gw lgsg telp adek kandung gw yg lagi nugas di luar kali ini darurat besar, nah akhirnya sampe rumah, taunya pas sampe rumah dikasi tau kalo gw ama adek gw tuh anak adopsi, tapi pas ngucapinnya ke gw, gw itu anak pungut diambil dari jembatan, terus ngaata ngatain lah nyokap asli gw mandul ato gmn, dan gw kaget lah kek kok bisa ngomong kek gt wkwk, ya gw sih emang dari 6 taun pernah mikir gw ini anak pungut ato bukan ya soalnya gw kek di treat beda sama adek gw cuma yodahlah bomat (iya gw belajar buat bomat dari kecil krn gapernah dibanggakan samsek wkwkw). Nah disitu gw kabur dari rumah sehari aja ketemuan ama temen gw yg kebetulan emang lucu keluarganya, ya saran yg gw dapet abis 4 jam curhat nonstop cuma suruh bodoamat, itu dosa mereka bukan dosa gw, gw gatau ya ges soalnya gw emang baru baru ini kembali beribadah, ya alasan awalnya karena permasalahan di keluarga + di cut off ama sahabat gw. Intinya atmosfir di rumah suram, gw di kos temen gw yg ala kadarnya bisa tidur pulas dibanding di rumah bokap yang beda jauh kondisinya sama kos kos an, yaa di rumah gw bisa tidur tp ga istirahat gt deh wkwkw.
Kalau tentang sahabat gw (21 F), gw udah sahabatan ama dia selama 5 tahun lamanya dari sma, yah baru tahun kemarin si kami jadi deket lagi karena gw curhat tentang kuliah gw yg kacau balau nilainya krn keberatan kuliah waktu itu, dan sempet suicidal, tapi abis semua percakapan panjang itu dia setuju untuk bantu gw dan yap nilai gw selama kuliah bener bener melejit, gw bener bener bisa ber ekspresi se bebas itu, bener bener ga takut sama yang namanya orang asing, dan yaaaa bisa jadi makhluk sosial yg fungsional wkwk. Kita deket, gw confess ke dia, tapi gw ga nembak dia, karena gw dari awal gada intensi buat dapetin dia, ya confess kan ga selalu tentang suka ato cinta gt kan ya wkwk, gw confess aja ke dia sebetapa nyaman dan bahagianya gw berada disampingnya etc., yang dimana awalnya dia yg confess kalo dia menggantungkan kebahagian dia di gw, and the story goes on untill december last year dimana dia mulai capek ama kerjaan dia di organisasi and yeah she decided to be bitter towards everyone, dan dia ilfeel sama gw as a result, tapi gw ga masalahin sih, pas ketemu dia abis event apa gt, gw tanyain kenapa, ada apa, dll in simple terms, dia takut ama gw, tapi gtw kenapa, tepat di ujuung desember dia cerita kalo dia bersalah banyak ama gw karena ya katanya gw menganggap ini kek hal yang wajar, memberi dia waktu dan ruang yang cukup besar menurut dia, dan rela jadi punching bag dia dengan cara di diemin selama hampir 2 bulan wkwkw. Gw ga ngerasa kek itu beban sih awalnya, soalnya ya bro kita udah besar santai aja kali. Memasuki januari kita nongki kan, disitu gw nangis di dia karena gw capek ama kondisi rumah gw waktu itu. Yah diperjalanan pulang dia ngomong kalo gw orangnya tulus, gw yang gapernah nganggep gw sendiri orang baik, tulus, ato apalah itu, kaget lah, intinya ya gw makasih banyak sama sahabat gw satu ini karena bener bener bisa bantu gw nge revive diri gw yang sengaja gw tinggal. Namun semenjak dirinya magang, di minggu terakhir dia magang gw curhat lah ke doi soal masalah dirumah, ga semuanya sih tapi intinya gt, dan dia minta maaf karena gada buat gw kan, gw gapapa karena emang fokusin magang aja biar hasilnya bagus, dan beberapa hari setelahnya gw curhat lagi, but idk i think this time she's mad or something like that to me, she never replied to my text ever from last month. And no, i dont bother her like in the way i need her to help me, i just told her that my day went this and that and yeah, something you could either reply or not and no effect would grow on it. Gw merasa kek gw salah apa yak yang bikin dia pengen cut off gw, soalnya terkahir kali dia silent treatment ke gw, gw merasa salah, taunya dia yg maaf karena bukan gw yg salah gt, yah you guys got the glimpse lah. Gw merasa kek ini downfall of our friendship, and i feel like i ruined everything again for the idk howmany times. To be honest gw ngerasa kalo gw tersakiti sama ekspektasi gw, bukan karena dianya. Yaaa sejak kemaren februari pertengahan dia gapernah ngabarin, sok cerita, ato apalah, well idk if it's because of me or something, but i do hope that she would return one day, with a whole new story.
Nah, gw sekarang itu merasa capek ama semua, pengen curhat dan didengerin, yang dimana biasanya sahabat gw ada buat gw curhat dan sebaliknya. Gw bener bener ngerasa sendiri, walau gw udah doa tiap abis sholat, well intinya gw kesepian dan gw rasanya itu pengeeen banget cerita dan disambung dengan ceritanya lawan bicara, yaa saling cerewet dengan interest masing masing gt lah like how i used to do with my buddy, but now am all alone like idk man, it just feels alone.
Gw gapernah punya kesempatan untuk ngeluh sebesarnya dan diterima, marah sebesarnya dan diterima, serta berbeda pendapat dan diterima. Gw selama idup selalu dibebani sama perasaan bersalah, kurang dan tidak pede, cuma pas gw bersama sahabat gw dimanapun, gw ngerasa gw bisa jadi diri gw sepenuh potensial gw (contoh kecil nilai 2 semester kemarin meningkat pesat sampe gw heran). Gapernah gw mandang gw itu apalah walau beberapa temen gw muji gw karena hard skill ama soft skill gw, yang dimana gw gapernah mandang itu kek sesuatu yang pantas untuk di puji wkwk.
Gitu doang sih ges a little rant of me and my life, if you guys have any suggestion for me or any advice, im all ears. Maaf ya kalo cerita gw ga jelas ato gimana, you could ask for details :D