I did not want to go for match support today, but I still came along because I thought I would enjoy class dinner with all of you. Or at least with the girls. Why did you guys ditch me and leave on your own? Am I such an embarrassment to all of you?

But why do you all suddenly come when you need help with academics? Why am I the one providing answers to homework? Why am I teaching all of you content that the teacher has already covered in class? And why do you then pretend that you don't know me right after?

Why are you such a fake? You bitch about someone you don't like one second, and turn around and call them affectionate names the next. Hug them. Hold their hand. The same things you do for your best friend.

What the fuck. I think you probably gossip about me behind my back, right? List all my flaws. List everything I'm insecure about. Bitch and moan about things that only you found offensive. Everyone else would end up believing you, believing that I'm a bad person anyways. You're so popular. Much more popular than me. Everyone likes you better. They value your opinion more.

And why did no one come to support me, even when they knew that I was going to have a very stressful performance? You guys could have at least pretended to care right? Do you know how hard I was trying to hold back tears as I saw everyone else be embraced by their friends and given flowers, while I'm just running in and out trying to pack up, because I had no one to talk to. No one came to watch my performance. My closest friends gave the usual excuses: parents wouldn't allow; I have tuition; too far from home. Then why do I see you guys having outings with other people on the same day?

What is it that I'm doing wrong? Or is it just because it's...me?
I'm sorry guys this is a ramble, it's been a long day

TL;DR Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dream!
Our Chairman and these Regarded APES have come here to make this tweasured agweement in front of their family and fwiends, pwomising their commitment in this holy and magnificent pwace, today and each day fowawd.
We would not be here today without wuv. Wuv, twoo wuv between these two. Twoo wuv will follow you forevah, so tweasure your wuv, Mr. Chairman with your Highly Regarded Apes, always.
My wife of 21yrs, who is pursuing her doctorate in Psychology to enhance her Marriage and Family counseling practice, has always been a supportive listener, especially throughout this saga. We watched together the events in 2021 unfold in real-time and in a recent discussion concerning market manipulations and the media's role in it all she interjected with unexpected psychological insights. What felt like a gentle change in the subject matter led to an unexpected and insightful conversation about narcissists, divorcing a narcissist, and the tactics of navigating them in your personal and professional lives.
Miracle Max: “'To blave.' And as we all know, 'to blave' means 'to bluff.' So, you're probably playing cards and he cheated…”
Did you know that there are divorce attorneys who specialize in dealing with cases involving narcissistic spouses? These attorneys are typically well-versed in high-conflict divorce scenarios and understand the psychological dynamics that can arise when one party exhibits narcissistic behaviors. They focus on strategies to manage manipulation, gaslighting, and other tactics that a narcissistic spouse might use to control or prolong legal proceedings.
Specialized attorneys in this area offer guidance on how to maintain clear and documented communication, set firm boundaries, and protect oneself legally and emotionally. Their expertise is particularly valuable in helping clients navigate the complexities of custody battles, financial disputes, and other contentious issues where a narcissistic spouse may attempt to use legal strategies to their advantage.
During our conversation my highly regarded ape-ette, outlined a total of 7 “Acts” in the Narcissist’s playbook.”

1. Denial
2. Minimization
3. Deflection
4. Rationalization
5. Displacement
6. Generalization
7. Victim Blaming

If you have ever had dealings with a Narcissist you know all to well these acts are rarely played in any kind of orderly fashion. Infact, their “playbill” is so well known that a short poem was created by Dyana Craig called “The Narcissist's Prayer”:

1. That didn't happen.
2. And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
3. And if it was, that's not a big deal.
4. And if it is, that's not my fault.
5. And if it was, I didn't mean it.
6. And if I did, you deserved it.

For the purposes of this post and to fully wrap our heads around the manipulative actions by those in the media, the financial system, in government, or our personal lives, we expanded upon the above as follows:

1. "That did not occur."
2. "And if it did, it was not that severe."
3. "And if it was, it is not a significant matter."
4. "And if it is, it is not my fault."
5. "And if it was, I did not intend it."
6. "And if I did, there were extenuating circumstances."
7. "And if there weren't, you provoked me into it."
8. "And if you didn't, others would have reacted the same way."
9. "And if they wouldn’t, the real issue is being blown out of proportion."
10. "And if it isn't, everyone makes mistakes."
11. "And if they don’t, I am under a lot of stress."
12. "And if I did, you deserved it."

These 12 narcissistic acts can be grouped into these stages that reflect a progression in the way responsibility, blame, and reality are manipulated by the media.
Stage 1: Denial

• "That did not occur." - Absolute refusal to acknowledge the reality of the event.

Stage 2: Minimization

• "And if it did, it was not that severe."
• "And if it was, it is not a significant matter." - These steps serve to downplay the severity and importance of the event, suggesting it is unworthy of concern or reaction.

Stage 3: Deflection

• "And if it is, it is not my fault."
• "And if it was, I did not intend it." - Shifts focus from the act itself to the intention behind it or external factors, deflecting responsibility away from the self.

Stage 4: Rationalization

• "And if I did, there were extenuating circumstances."
• "And if there weren't, you provoked me into it."
• "And if you didn't, others would have reacted the same way." - Attempts to provide reasons or excuses for the behavior that justify it or align it with normal responses.

Stage 5: Displacement

• "And if they wouldn’t, the real issue is being blown out of proportion." - This step attempts to shift the discussion from the actions to the reactions of others, suggesting an overreaction.

Stage 6: Generalization

• "And if it isn't, everyone makes mistakes."
• "And if they don’t, I am under a lot of stress." - These steps attempt to dilute personal responsibility by invoking common human faults or personal stress, suggesting that any errors are part of broader, understandable human conditions.

Stage 7: Victim Blaming

• "And if I did, you deserved it." - The final step, which shifts all remaining blame to the victim, positioning them as deserving of the actions or consequences.

These stages reflect a progression from outright denial to subtle and overt forms of manipulation, ending with a complete inversion of blame. Each stage is designed to protect the narcissist’s self-image and deflect any responsibility for their actions onto others or external circumstances.
For those of use that have been around since the beginning and has endured all of the above reminds me of one of my favorite parts in the Princess Bride:
Westley: Aha! Your pig fiance is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp. Buttercup: We'll never survive. Westley: Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has. Westley: It's not that bad...Well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are actually quite lovely.
We begin unwinding all financial and manipulative aspects of the now very dead relationship that once existed. We document everything and those weary and nervous and we pick back up with…
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here. Westley: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem. There's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too…
We navigate the shills, the media pundits, and hedge fund market making Mayo loving thunts, aka the R.O.U.S’s. Through it all, we arrive at the events of the day! Our mascot triumphantly returns and now the Media is pulling a Prince Humperdink as if we are going to fall for it.
Buttercup: We did it! Westley: Now, was that so terrible? Humperdink: Surrender! Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept. Humperdink: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool. Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
Navigating and enduring the demise of your first narcissist relationship is, in my opinion, the fire swamp. Reading all the DD ( • )( • ) and easily recognizing all of manipulations and cheating tactics being used and not reacting to them is what makes apes say “We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.”
Last but not least… our current marriage to our chairman, is bliss compared to our prior sham marriage where belief in a free and fair once existed. Remember, narcissists are married to the devil for time and all eternity!
I share this so that further discussion can continue and help everyone understand the kinds of people we are up against. They will never change, they will never care, and if they are fined or even found guilty of a crime, they will always and forever be the victim.

Alright, so long time member of reddit since the good old days, first time posting. So this morning, while attempting to unlock a phone linked to my live in girlfriend, ended up in one of what looked like many message threads that involved what most would describe as a honeypot(not sure if this is the correct terminology) essentially what looked to me like ~10 different threads with men going back and forth flirting very sexually, with the first one finding the most explicit of the content, full nudes of her, as well as plenty of non naked pictures.
Most of said men I have to assume that she has indeed met in person, due to the fact that she often will disappear with my vehicle to go to the casino(she never tells me this, always excuses that she is actually not at the casino, generally lying pretty badly as I am not stupid and have been in a relationship with a frequent cheater before.)
Full disclosure, it is not like I completely made a real stand against this type of thing, and in fact before at one point I was complicit and gave her a picture that I had received from a female that was essentially an ass shot with lace panties on. This fact had made me I guess just assume that the boundary was set that I would most likely not be ok with this type of thing happening with real pictures of her, although that conversation was not really ever had. So now while I am a firm believer of the fact where if you feel the need to go through your significant others phone at all, the two of you should not be together in the first place.
Therefore in the multiple years we have been together (admittedly, the relationship was fairly casual at some points, and some people had referred to her as my dog watcher in the past. Even I was someone who made some comments in this vein but this was many years ago now.)
Generally it would go in a cycle of becoming more serious, then her doing something such as taking the car to get groceries, but disappearing for days. This fact being a serious red flag and not to mention that I basically have PTSD from my previous ex taking my vehicle to go have sex with and seemingly short(?) relationships with other dudes, which I had most definitely disclosed to her many, many times, which was a fact that was most definitely ignored, and had zero effect on her actions. It would seem a lot of the time that when things would get more serious between us, shortly after there would be something in which I would feel as a betrayal, and once again things would become more casual.
That being said, I am certainly guilty of talking to other females, such as my ex, during these times. So, all of these facts, leads me to today, where I am feeling like this should be the much needed end to a series of events filled with a lack of honesty, and a general disregard on her side for my boundaries, that I have made sure to communicate.
She is of course taking the stance that since I knew that she got money from guys, that I should have basically known and put two and two together. While I had definitely kept that thought in my mind, I was basically just trying to trust her and thinking that maybe she is just really good at talking, or maybe using other girls pics like the time I gave her the pic to get money from the one guy.
Now, as for physical interactions, it is up in the air as I was pretty disgusted by what I saw and didn't feel like reading every word in every thread in order to see if anything physical had actually happened. There had been a recent attempt by an old acquaintance of mine to basically come onto her in I assume his car at the casino and she said she denied him completely, and that was at least corroborated by a mutual friend that I had ask the guy in a way that he wouldn't lie.
On top of all of this, she has been without a job for ~6 months now and money is very tight. The money she got from these guys has in no way been disclosed to me or shared with me, while as I am currently a full time student (wasted 7 years of my life homeless and using drugs, currently recovering addict, same as her, except when we started living together she was still using.) . I was wanting to kick her out and move on when she began disappearing with my vehicle, just due to the fact that I communicated so many times what my ex had done, and how this would affect me. Basically to this day I have to more or less physically keep the car keys from her, or else she will disappear to the casino.
So, my fellow redditors, is this a dumpster fire that should have ended years ago like I truly believe, or was the fact that she had gotten money from guys in the past and I was "ok" with it (with her definitely knowing that I would never be okay with her doing anything with them, just never specifically talked about the sending of explicit pics that are actually her.) She says the pics are like 5 years old and is taking the stance that that makes it better in some way and that she has never cheated on me. Sorry about the long and complicated backstory, and we have been more or less together for 4 years now.
TL:DR Girlfriend who I knew received money from males, turns out was sending nudes and overall going way further than I know for a fact that she knew I would not be okay with this, at all, this also being proven by the fact that in a similar past situation, I gave her a picture I had received in the past of a different girl, to satiate the guy, to receive money.
Also sorry about the formatting and kind of just vomit of text, my headspace is not great right now as I have also been up all night working on homework, to then now find this all in the early morning. Thanks in advance reddit. As a user of this site since its infancy, I decided that you scholarly gentlemen would be able to diagnose this situation much better than I would. Should this be over, as I truly believe, or have I just been naive and have too high of expectations?
Edit: There is one more aspect of this whole situation. She would essentially be homeless (again) if I were to kick her out. Wondering about opinions on how I should navigate that part of things. Much love to those putting in their two cents, this is what makes this site so great.

I just wanna begin by saying that this sub really helped me to understand certain things and feel like I’m not alone and what I’m going through is important and valid. I’ve been reading many posts here, made two of my own and got to talk with wonderful people. As someone who has a hard time sharing things that bother me (no matter how much) I find it easier to share here and just get some things off of my chest. Up until recently I haven’t thought about certain things that had happened to me and since I began analyzing memories are flooding my mind. I’ve never realized just how much I’ve been keeping inside. How much was easier to forget. How much all of this had impacted my life. So, now I’m working on unwinding this mess that had been in my head for years and trying to live a healthier life and actually take care of my mental health. I’ve found my diary (yes, I had one when I was 10, I thought I was like the main character in some movie secretly writing about my day with a flashlight) and the things I read about sometimes made my skin crawl. It’s not something absolutely horrific but it explained some things to me. Recently I’ve made a post about feeling like a kid and not being able to grow up and how my mother contributed to that by controlling pretty much every aspect of my life and some things she did I now realize were creepy (like the bathroom thing, controlling my dating life and asking if mast*rbate and how). Now I realize that my sense of boundaries, what is acceptable and unacceptable, my personal bubble is completely skewed. I’ve mentioned in that post that I allow people to touch me when I’m uncomfortable and what I mean by “allow” is that I just take it and never say anything to them. Or I simply don’t notice that something is not quite appropriate until something clicks in my head. (I should add that I’m 24 and I still live with my abusive mother though she’s no longer being physically abusive. I feel and also look like a teenager so people perceive me in a certain way.) Sometimes it’s easier for me to speak through examples as I haven’t quite figured out how to express things yet. There was a situation where I had to take a bus and there’s nothing strange about that. I generally feel unsafe when there’s a person between me and the possible escape route but I also feel deeply unsettled by being exposed in any way(so kinda need to hide but don’t like to be surrounded which on a bus is impossible), so to distract myself I usually have headphones on and I stare at my phone. That time a woman sat next to me at the back of a bus and it was a long ride, so I turned the music up and closed my eyes. I haven’t noticed it at first but that woman was stroking my thighs and to me it didn’t seem weird at all (now it really does as I look back at the situation) until minutes later something clicked in my head and I’ve opened my eyes to just stare at her and she didn’t even stop. I just put my backpack on my lap. As I look back at it all now I’m surprised that was the only thing I did. I didn’t feel threatened in any way, I felt awkward and slightly ashamed thinking what others would think if they noticed that. Something similar happened at a mall when a woman just walked in on me in a changing room. She was just looking at me and was staring back at her. I didn’t say anything until she asked if I need any help trying on clothes and I quietly said “no”. She left but I felt some kind of way, like I was dirty or something. People always invade my space. And I never can say “no” if they’re asking me to do something or to go somewhere. Especially when it comes to strangers and people I don’t know that well. I waste my time doing things they want me to do instead of doing homework or enjoying a book or even eating/drinking and taking care of my needs. I’ve spent hours helping someone rearrange their furniture while being hungry and exhausted but I didn’t say a thing. People get angry with me sometimes when they discovered over I was in pain or discomfort while helping them but in my mind I was afraid they’d be angry with me if told them because it’s an excuse to not help or something. So people who want to use me and have shady intentions can use me and people who think I’m just happy to help end up using me and they didn’t really want to do that but I’ve put them in that strange position because I can’t say “no”. I ended up in places far from home late at night because I was helping friends of friends who thought I genuinely had nothing else to do and nowhere else to be. I really don’t know what to do with this and how to stop being like this. My social life is all weird because people genuinely don’t understand why I’m doing this and up until recently I didn’t either. I hope someone would have some kind of advice. Sorry for such a long post.

(23M)
i spent so much of my teen years struggling due to undiagnosed AuDHD. i would look at my classmates and peers and wonder what wasnt clicking in my head that was for them? why was everyone else able to complete these simple tasks like homework, studying, etc, meanwhile im struggling to remember what classes i have next. i was struggling from an abusive and neglectful home enviroment at the time, so i couldnt ask family for help or support with these things, i knew id likely be threatened or gaslit by my dads gf if i even thought about trying to talk to him, and since my dad never stood up for me or himself, i was completely alone on that front. going back to my previous point, on the few occassions i try to power through and do my best in applying myself, teachers were always disappointed in the work, calling me lazy, saying i "wasnt trying hard enough" and so in the end i gave up. why bother trying at all if nothing i do is ever up to their standard? at 16, i left school early due to depression and anxiety, i found it hard to eat during this time because i was so miserable, eventually suffering from malnutrition and anemia. bottom line is, i couldnt attend school even if i wanted to (which i didnt anymore, even my friend group at the time thought i was just bunking school due to laziness)
tldr; this kick started my shut-in lifestyle
im an adult now, never went to college, my experience with work is limuted to 7 months unpaid volunteering at a museum, 3 months at a cinema (which i got fired from due to the same issues as school). i cant cook, i dont understand how to finance properly, legal documents make no sense to me, i dont understands maths, politics, or human relations, im completely socially inept, and i dont understand how everyone else knows these things like its natural. do they know from their parents or was it taught in school and i never paid attention? the latter is probably the most likely
no one taught me anything growing up (at leaat not life skills) and the few times i was told something important, i ignored it because i assumed i wouldnt be around long enough to make use of that information (i was entirely convinced id die before 18...lol)
anyway, excuse the typos. im just mad at myself. like with school, my old work, i can feel my motivation to TRY waining. why bother if none of it is ever good enough? why get up in the morning if all i do is bedrot and doomscroll? im a lazy, pathetic person, and theres nothing i can do about it. all i do is drink and smoke to try and forget how my whole situation was fucked from the start. i never stood a chance in hell or making this work, yet i did try. im still here, but thats jusg not good enough. i internalised so much of everyones disappointment for me, and now i find myself feeling miserable because i cant reach my own impossible standards. no i wont be successful, i wont have enough money to get myself out of the working class, no i wont be able to buy a car or go on holidays. im forever stuck in this miserable pit and theres absolutely NOTHING i can do about it...what a life

Hi everyone, Excuse my bad english
I made this throwaway account for anonymity reasons.
I need help and advice on what to do with my (F19) older sister (23) who has nothing going on in her life, sleeps all day but bought a gym membership for 300 euros per month. I started writing because we just had the smallest fight but it struck me so hard that i came here. The story:
Ever since we were little we were the best of sisters, we had our fights but they were just little things, because i only remember good times with her when we were young. Im honestly crying that it came to the point that past midnight I'm writing on reddit for advice as i was truly hoping i wouldn't have to come here to seek solutions for this. She was the smart kid, always staying up late to study, always helping mom with difficult tasks where you needed brains like government documents and school registration. Every document the school sent us, my sister would read, understand and translate to my mom. My parents immigrated to this country when my mom was pregnant with her, we were born here, my parents know the language here but i would say its level B1 or even A2. For privacy reasons i wont be disclosing which country.
In high school she was acing all her classes and i was the one failing all my classes. I didn't know how to study lol, literally i didn't even know what it included. My sister stayed up so many nights to help me out with homework, she would tutor me time to time, but sometimes i would get on her nerves. It isn't until her first year at university (she chose a really hard course with sciences and math) that she changed completely. Its as if a clone returned and not my sister. Her first school year was 2019-2020, she was failing almost all of her classes, she was being really rude to us (my mom, dad and me) which i understand when its stressful, and being the older sibling i understood that there's so much responsibility that falls onto your shoulders and a sense of 'i must achieve great things for my famil' (because we weren't rich, we weren't starving but money could have avoided so many problems we faced. And so after three years of failing her courses, and lying to us that she was succeeding, she dropped out when I was in my last year of high school. My parents were really disappointed and sad, more so at the fact that they came here to give us a better life but my sister was not able to do anything good with the privileges she got that my parents hadn't. I understand though that just because we had it better than our parents, doesn't mean we know exactly how to live life good with success. But still i think you can understand how my parents felt when she dropped out, after everything they've done to sustain us. And so when i was deciding what to study at uni, my mom forced my sister to sign up for uni again, she chose law, i chose smt easier cuz i like it. And not even halfway through the first semester she secretly dropped out. The whole school year she was lying to us that she was still studying and at school following classes. When my mother finally found out she again caused a huge scandal saying that she doesn't like being lied to. My sister then said she was working on a business of hers that she finds more important. And that this will bring more money than a degree. She promised us that she would be brining in thousands per month when i start my second year at uni. Well, here we are end of my second semester of my second year at uni and she has no business, she works at a little shop (i too as a student), she bought a gym membership to some high end gym where per month she pays around 250 euros for the membership, she doesn't go there everyday like she said she would. She hasn't changed anything in her life like she said she would. She has great ideas for business and since she was young she was a very creative kid, she would always make little diys, i remember how she would draw every time, she has real talent, she would make clothes for my dolls and all sorts of accessories for them out of paper and carton. But ever since she dropped out of uni twice she just sleeps until lunch/noon, gets up does nothing all day other then do a little bit of information search for her business ideas, go to her gym twice in two weeks or smt and overall always have an angry mood. Shes always angry, we had many talks with her, family and her, just me and her, she would promise to change and do better but nothing came out of it. My mom has a doctor whos she close with, the doctor asked for my sister to come to her to talk and see whats wrong, but my sister said she doesn't want to go as she would start crying. And we cant force her. I don't hear much from what my dad thinks of this, only the things that my mom tells me. She said that my dad is very disappointed with what my sister is doing all day everyday, no degree, a meh job, no career, no skills shes developing, nothing. SHe doesn't even have a drivers license, says its not a priority, but she does always ask for rides from the parents.
she told me one time that the advice our parents give is not good enough for her, she needs advice from a rich dad. But my dad isn't that kind of dad, his advice is study good and get a good job, so is my mom's. I don't know how to help her, I've tried everything, I'm just desperate for help as any time i delve deep into this subject i cry at how sad she must be inside. And it makes me even feel ashamed and guilty that i am studying and building my future career while shes just sleeping all day claiming to be working on a business.
I'm so sorry for the long text i don't know how to properly structure it.
but i saw the rules state to add TLDR TL;DR My older sister dropped out twice , is wasting money on a expensive gym membership and has no career, works at a little shop 'temporarily she said', seems to hate us as she lashes out at us a lot. She needs rich dad advice but my parents can't give that to her.
​

I (f, 22) just wanted to vent somewhere people will actually understand. I’ve been dealing with GP for about 4 years now and finally got diagnosed last year, i had the botox injection in september and was in hospital for around a month, didn’t have to go back to a&e at all until the end of march where it all started happening again. for the first time in years i actually felt free and i was able to live as close to a normal life as i could, obviously being careful in what i ate and portion size but pretty much had freedom to eat what i wanted when i wanted and it just made me feel somewhat like a normal person.
since the end of march i’ve been in and out of hospital, i had another round of botox early april but that didn’t seem to help and the doctors couldn’t explain why, they said maybe it wasn’t injected in the right place or they didn’t use enough, they honestly were nearly as clueless as i was. in the end they decided to repeat the botox, that was just over a week ago. i was sent home the same day, had to go back to a&e later that evening, was sent home 2 days later and again was back in a&e that same evening. i’ve now been kept as an inpatient for a week and i’m still finding it hard to eat/drink without being sick and feeling really intense stomach pain, it gets to the point where i’m rolling around, crying and screaming in pain. doctors don’t seem to do much at all other than keep me on regular IV cyclizine and metoclopramide for sickness, subcutaneous morphine injections for the pain and a sliding scale to manage my T1DM.
when i was healthy for that october-march period i’d managed to gain some weight and was around 50kg, a week ago i was back to the godforsaken 46kg i seemed to always be stuck at before, and now i’ve gone down to 43kg which has been really disheartening and has taken a toll on my mental health. i felt i was doing so well, not only had i gained weight but also muscle, i was exercising more than i ever could have before and even walking 10-12km a day, now i can barely walk down the hall without feeling drained. i managed to get a job which i was doing quite well at and it was my first job, at 22, because i could never get hired before due to being so unreliable with my condition, luckily they understand what i have to deal with as it is my boyfriend’s family business.
i don’t know, everything is just making me feel really down and depressed and all i want is to be able to go home and go back to my life. staff at hospital also don’t help, the majority are nice but i still get comments from certain nurses who accuse me of faking to get medication or who complain when i’m crying as i’m “disturbing others” when there’s nothing i can do. i hate the way my body looks again, i hate the gap between my thighs and how i can see my ribs and bony shoulders. i hate my arms even more, all the bruises and needle marks from blood tests and IV drips, it makes me look like a junkie and i find myself crying because of it a lot.
i’ve been referred to another hospital for a consultation regarding a G-POEM but still haven’t heard from them yet. it’s just getting to the point where i’m feeling so hopeless and helpless. i’ve also been put back on anti depressants and taking diazepam regularly to help with the anxiety and distress it all causes.
at home i smoke weed, a decent amount, which helps with my appetite and also helps with my mental health struggles but obviously being in hospital i haven’t been able to smoke which makes everything so much worse as i don’t have anything to distract myself from what’s happening. some days smoking is the only thing that will get me to eat and keep me from having anxiety toward food.
my boyfriend (m, 29) and his family have been really supportive and they’re pretty much the only reason i haven’t spiraled into a full on mental health crisis, he visits nearly everyday and so does his mother who has been such a huge support for me as my own family aren’t there for me. i actually asked my mother if she would come visit me, i knew she wouldn’t, but i did it anyway, she came up with a bullshit excuse as to why she couldn’t and that nearly broke me because i was already feeling so low and on top of that i then felt rejected by my own mother, i should’ve known better but at that moment i just needed my mom. the one who came through for me that day was my boyfriend’s mom who came to see me as soon as she found out how upset i was, she held me, she let me cry and hugged me so tightly and reassured me i was loved and cared for. she’s truly been the mother i needed through this.
i know that i can be somewhat healthy and live almost normally, but right now things are just so bleak and i’m struggling to see a way out, all i want is to just be normal, it’s all i’ve wanted my entire life and it’s like no matter what i will never get that. i’ve had T1DM since i was 9 with 2 diabetes related comas under my belt by age 10, PTSD, depression, and anxiety since 12, and the GP since i was 18, it’s like i can’t catch a break. no one understands what it’s like but i keep getting told “i get it” or “i relate to that” and i know people are trying to make me feel better but to me it just comes across as diminishing what i’m going through and have been going through for so long. I was also recently told just how bad my GP is and i just couldn’t stop crying for hours, i was always told it was ‘severe’ but now i know that i have 96% retention after 4 hours and all it did was make me feel even more hopeless.
sorry for the long post, i just really don’t know where else to go where people might ACTUALLY understand what i’m going through

Humans are Weird – Storm Watching

Original Post: http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-storm-watching
“Why did we even bother building a base on the land anyway?” Rollsaround asked as he absorbed the dim light filtering through the wide windows of the base.
The windows gave an impressive view of what the humans in their generosity called a “coastline”. Instead of gently undulating coral beds easing down into the water the glittering volcanic rock dropped abruptly from the graminoid covered highlands and dove down dozens of meters to where it usually met the heaving surface of the water below. Today however the water had seemingly decided to express its objections to the separation and was attempting to scale the cliffs in massive waves. The base vibrated from the force of a gust of wind and Rollsaround hunkered deeper into his mineral bath.
“Do you require another introduction of thermal-loaded water?” Tenth Cousin asked from where she perched on a Shatar couch, reading something that was supposed to be very masculine poetry from her homeworld.
“I do not,” Rollsaround reassured her. “I was just reacting negatively to the storm.”
She tilted her head to examine the weather conditions with a thoughtful set to her antenna.
“I think it is a pleasant change,” she said. “The harsh, unfiltered lights of the suns here means that we have no real night. The clouds at lest allow the illusions of dusk, and the wind overhead is not entirely unlike breezes in Father’s canopy if you can focus your attention on some pleasant task.”
“Well if we can’t go outside during clear weather without protection due to the radiation,” Rollsaround grumbled, “and we can’t go outside in stormy weather due to the, well, the storm, I say we should have just built a floating base that we could submerge during storm weather.”
“There is perhaps logic in that,” Tenth cousin agreed, and very deliberately tilted her head back to the poetry.
Rollsaround drooped his leading appendages over the edge of the bowl and absorbed the storm light in a slightly sulky mood. The airlock cycled open and Third Sister stepped in with the brisk stride that Rollsaround had noticed that high ranking sisters only used when they were looking for someone who had committed some infraction. Tenth Cousin brought the poem up closer to her face and started moving her mandibles as if she was completely focused on sounding out the words. Third Sister tilted her head the examine the cousin and then abruptly swiveled her body to focus on Rollsaround.
“First Ecologist,” she began, “do you know First Mechanic’s current location? The exterior vents in my lab require percussive maintenance.”
“He is off shift by now,” Rollsaround said. “You should check the washrooms and his quarters.”
However even as he offered this sound advice Rollsaround felt a ripple of unease. Human Friend Conner almost never went to his quarters after his shift. He was highly social, even by human standards and usually came to the main room to chat first thing.
“I have already checked both of those locations,” Third Sister stated. “He is not there and he is not answering his comm.”
Rollsaround mulled over that. Clearly Third Sister needed to find the human. An improperly vented laboratory in such a base as theirs was a serious health risk.
“Have you checked the storage areas?” he asked.
“I did a ping for his comm,” she replied, “but it is not reading as in the base at all so I could not locate the room he was in. I was surprised as I didn’t think we had any shielding strong enough to block the comm signal in the base-”
She cut off as Rollsaround suddenly surged up out of his mineral bath and crawled out of it.
“What is the matter First Ecologist?” Third Sister asked in confusion.
“He has gone out for a walk,” Rollsaround said, forgetting in his rush to add emotional undertones to his words.
“Out?” Third Sister demanded, her antenna going lax with confusion.
“Out to watch the storm from withing the wind currents,” Rollsaround explained.
“How do you gather that?” Third Sister demanded.
“He has described storm watching on his homeworld to me,” Rollsaround explained as he opened the hatch to the sub floor currents. “He also mentioned what he thought the perfect storm watching spot would be on these cliffs. That spot is behind enough rocks to block the signal. Now if you will excuse me I am going to go fetch him.”
“He has broken regulations!” Third Sister clicked, her frill flashing red with alarm.
“That on a secondary vine,” Tenth Cousin interjected as she came up to them. “The same regulations apply to you First Ecologist! The wind-”
“I am rated as fully wind resistant under these conditions,” Rollsaround said with a dismissive wave, “one of the perks of not being built like a windmill.”
“Your thermal mass-” Tenth Cousin tried again.
“I am fully warmed at the moment and I will turn back if my core temperature drops too low,” he interjected again. “Now if there are no further objections?”
Without waiting for their objections he dropped down into the sub-floor current and tapped the control panel to direct the current to the main outlet. He bundled his appendages and let himself be swept into the cold, but fresh exterior water. He bumped up against the smooth rise of the outlet and edged up out of the water. The wind was powerful. He could feel it tug at him if he raised a gripping appendage high, but at least over the main path there were eddies along the ground that were so comparatively we that he couldn’t even feel them. He began shuffling at top speed along the path. A the crest of the first high spot the winds did hit him, shoving his body sideways. However, as he had expected it required barely a fraction of his strength to grip the path firmly with his set appendages as he moved the free appendages forward. It barely even slowed him down, the roar of it was rather disconcerting when it wasn’t muted by the base walls however. He did wonder how the human had made it this far. After a long steady shuffle he rounded the corner that was blocking the signal and spotted a tall figure down at the cliff’s edge that wasn’t normally there.
Rollsaround activated the comm he was holding pressed against the ground. There was a significant delay before the human responded.
“Human Friend Conner,” Rollsaround said, trying to put firmness in his tones. “Come now and carry me back to the base. I am at the crest of the hill looking down at you.”
There was an odd sound from the comm that suggested the human was trying to say something back, but human speaking organs were not optimized for shielding the microphone of a comm while speaking so the human simply gave two short radio bursts and the tall figure on the cliff’s edge began swaying back and forth as it moved towards the path. Rollsaround anchored himself more fully against the blasts and watched in grim interest as the gusts blew the tall human form to one side and then the other as the human struggled up the path.
When Human Friend Conner finally did reach him the human didn’t bother speaking. He just reached down with a grin and tried to lift the Undulate off of the path. For one long moment Rollsaround hung on to the ground in a show of strength. He wasn’t sure if it would impress the human but a little dominance display did seem called for. He let go when the look of perplexity fully formed on the humans face but before he could give a more powerful tug and they headed back to the base.
Being carried over a meter above the ground in this wind was another experience altogether. The swaying of the human in the wind felt far wilder than it had looked, and Rollsaround found himself clutching tightly to the human’s coat as the wind tried to rip him away. They finally made the base airlock and stepped through to the blessedly still air. Rollsaround dropped to the floor and shook the cold water off of himself.
“I think Third Sister would like a word with you,” he said.
Granted she would probably want a word with him too, but Human Friend Conner didn’t need to know that.

Science Fiction Books By Betty Adams

Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)

Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)

Powell's Books (Paperback)

Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)

Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)

Check out my books at any of these sites and leave a review! "Flying Sparks" - a novel set in the "Dying Embers" universe is now avaliable on all sites!
Please go leave a review on Amazon! It really helps and keeps me writing becase tea and taxes don't pay themselves sadly!

https://preview.redd.it/292890cl190d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=80452218955753005afd72dfd6f5c56b3cf0c658

Humans are Weird – Storm Watching

Original Post: http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-storm-watching
“Why did we even bother building a base on the land anyway?” Rollsaround asked as he absorbed the dim light filtering through the wide windows of the base.
The windows gave an impressive view of what the humans in their generosity called a “coastline”. Instead of gently undulating coral beds easing down into the water the glittering volcanic rock dropped abruptly from the graminoid covered highlands and dove down dozens of meters to where it usually met the heaving surface of the water below. Today however the water had seemingly decided to express its objections to the separation and was attempting to scale the cliffs in massive waves. The base vibrated from the force of a gust of wind and Rollsaround hunkered deeper into his mineral bath.
“Do you require another introduction of thermal-loaded water?” Tenth Cousin asked from where she perched on a Shatar couch, reading something that was supposed to be very masculine poetry from her homeworld.
“I do not,” Rollsaround reassured her. “I was just reacting negatively to the storm.”
She tilted her head to examine the weather conditions with a thoughtful set to her antenna.
“I think it is a pleasant change,” she said. “The harsh, unfiltered lights of the suns here means that we have no real night. The clouds at lest allow the illusions of dusk, and the wind overhead is not entirely unlike breezes in Father’s canopy if you can focus your attention on some pleasant task.”
“Well if we can’t go outside during clear weather without protection due to the radiation,” Rollsaround grumbled, “and we can’t go outside in stormy weather due to the, well, the storm, I say we should have just built a floating base that we could submerge during storm weather.”
“There is perhaps logic in that,” Tenth cousin agreed, and very deliberately tilted her head back to the poetry.
Rollsaround drooped his leading appendages over the edge of the bowl and absorbed the storm light in a slightly sulky mood. The airlock cycled open and Third Sister stepped in with the brisk stride that Rollsaround had noticed that high ranking sisters only used when they were looking for someone who had committed some infraction. Tenth Cousin brought the poem up closer to her face and started moving her mandibles as if she was completely focused on sounding out the words. Third Sister tilted her head the examine the cousin and then abruptly swiveled her body to focus on Rollsaround.
“First Ecologist,” she began, “do you know First Mechanic’s current location? The exterior vents in my lab require percussive maintenance.”
“He is off shift by now,” Rollsaround said. “You should check the washrooms and his quarters.”
However even as he offered this sound advice Rollsaround felt a ripple of unease. Human Friend Conner almost never went to his quarters after his shift. He was highly social, even by human standards and usually came to the main room to chat first thing.
“I have already checked both of those locations,” Third Sister stated. “He is not there and he is not answering his comm.”
Rollsaround mulled over that. Clearly Third Sister needed to find the human. An improperly vented laboratory in such a base as theirs was a serious health risk.
“Have you checked the storage areas?” he asked.
“I did a ping for his comm,” she replied, “but it is not reading as in the base at all so I could not locate the room he was in. I was surprised as I didn’t think we had any shielding strong enough to block the comm signal in the base-”
She cut off as Rollsaround suddenly surged up out of his mineral bath and crawled out of it.
“What is the matter First Ecologist?” Third Sister asked in confusion.
“He has gone out for a walk,” Rollsaround said, forgetting in his rush to add emotional undertones to his words.
“Out?” Third Sister demanded, her antenna going lax with confusion.
“Out to watch the storm from withing the wind currents,” Rollsaround explained.
“How do you gather that?” Third Sister demanded.
“He has described storm watching on his homeworld to me,” Rollsaround explained as he opened the hatch to the sub floor currents. “He also mentioned what he thought the perfect storm watching spot would be on these cliffs. That spot is behind enough rocks to block the signal. Now if you will excuse me I am going to go fetch him.”
“He has broken regulations!” Third Sister clicked, her frill flashing red with alarm.
“That on a secondary vine,” Tenth Cousin interjected as she came up to them. “The same regulations apply to you First Ecologist! The wind-”
“I am rated as fully wind resistant under these conditions,” Rollsaround said with a dismissive wave, “one of the perks of not being built like a windmill.”
“Your thermal mass-” Tenth Cousin tried again.
“I am fully warmed at the moment and I will turn back if my core temperature drops too low,” he interjected again. “Now if there are no further objections?”
Without waiting for their objections he dropped down into the sub-floor current and tapped the control panel to direct the current to the main outlet. He bundled his appendages and let himself be swept into the cold, but fresh exterior water. He bumped up against the smooth rise of the outlet and edged up out of the water. The wind was powerful. He could feel it tug at him if he raised a gripping appendage high, but at least over the main path there were eddies along the ground that were so comparatively we that he couldn’t even feel them. He began shuffling at top speed along the path. A the crest of the first high spot the winds did hit him, shoving his body sideways. However, as he had expected it required barely a fraction of his strength to grip the path firmly with his set appendages as he moved the free appendages forward. It barely even slowed him down, the roar of it was rather disconcerting when it wasn’t muted by the base walls however. He did wonder how the human had made it this far. After a long steady shuffle he rounded the corner that was blocking the signal and spotted a tall figure down at the cliff’s edge that wasn’t normally there.
Rollsaround activated the comm he was holding pressed against the ground. There was a significant delay before the human responded.
“Human Friend Conner,” Rollsaround said, trying to put firmness in his tones. “Come now and carry me back to the base. I am at the crest of the hill looking down at you.”
There was an odd sound from the comm that suggested the human was trying to say something back, but human speaking organs were not optimized for shielding the microphone of a comm while speaking so the human simply gave two short radio bursts and the tall figure on the cliff’s edge began swaying back and forth as it moved towards the path. Rollsaround anchored himself more fully against the blasts and watched in grim interest as the gusts blew the tall human form to one side and then the other as the human struggled up the path.
When Human Friend Conner finally did reach him the human didn’t bother speaking. He just reached down with a grin and tried to lift the Undulate off of the path. For one long moment Rollsaround hung on to the ground in a show of strength. He wasn’t sure if it would impress the human but a little dominance display did seem called for. He let go when the look of perplexity fully formed on the humans face but before he could give a more powerful tug and they headed back to the base.
Being carried over a meter above the ground in this wind was another experience altogether. The swaying of the human in the wind felt far wilder than it had looked, and Rollsaround found himself clutching tightly to the human’s coat as the wind tried to rip him away. They finally made the base airlock and stepped through to the blessedly still air. Rollsaround dropped to the floor and shook the cold water off of himself.
“I think Third Sister would like a word with you,” he said.
Granted she would probably want a word with him too, but Human Friend Conner didn’t need to know that.
https://i.redd.it/gdoknun0390d1.gif

Science Fiction Books By Betty Adams

Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)

Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)

Powell's Books (Paperback)

Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)

Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)

Check out my books at any of these sites and leave a review! "Flying Sparks" - a novel set in the "Dying Embers" universe is now avaliable on all sites!
Please go leave a review on Amazon! It really helps and keeps me writing becase tea and taxes don't pay themselves sadly!

It has been such a long and draining road, from early childhood to settling into middle age. I'm so tired. The thought of repeating this week, day, moment again for who knows how long it's just...draining. For a long time I've been able to make excuses—I'm a single mom so my daughter needs me, or my relatives would only resent me more if I do it. But lately those excuses don't really seem to hold weight. My daughter seems sick of me anyways. She's 11 and everything I do is met with eye rolls, attitude, and disregard. Even though I do everything for her. Working 11 hours days 6 days a week only to come home and plaster on a cheerful grin while I do more housework, help with homework, shower her with love and affection so she winds up nothing like me...only to be met with disdain. Cool. I'm used to that. It's not her fault anyway. She's just a kid doing kid shit. Idc. I'm tired.
Used to not being able to reach out to my only living parent because I'm a burden. My own siblings don't speak to me, but we separated as kids so I get it. Used to it. Used to not having anyone to reach out to when I'm like this. No friends. No acquaintances. No coworkers. Not even a neighbor. Tired. I can't remember the last time I even had a friend. Maybe in highschool. I'm rambling and I don't think I care.
I found how I'll do it and it's so easy and cheap its actually funny in an insulting way. For the first time in years, I felt (feel?) relieved, hopeful when I decided on it. I had that light and bubbly feeling in my chest, anticipation, when I considered how fast I can do all of this. I can overnight everything. Wow.
Today I went for a walk and really noticed how warm the sun was, how beautiful the sky and grass and trees are. I actually laughed at how offensively beautiful this planet is. Catching myself wishing I could have been a real part of it but I'm too tired to reflect and look back.
Y'all, I'm exhausted. I just really need to sleep now. Her dad is garbage. But there are beautiful couples at my church that would be so good for her. She deserves better.

As a child, any time I had problems, my parents basically said "Nope, those aren't real problems." If I was feeling sad, I had no reason to be sad and was just being too sensitive. If I forgot to bring home my homework, it wasn't "Let's figure out how to help you" or "Let's get you tested for neurodivergence," it was "You didn't forget, you just didn't care."
Any thoughts or opinions of mine that differed from theirs were automatically invalid. My ambitions weren't lofty enough, family didn't mean enough to me, I was self-centered.
Nothing good ever came of telling them the truth, so I started to lie about everything. I'm 34 years old and recently unemployed, but I'm still pretending that I'm busy during "work hours." Eventually I'll slip up, and I just know they'll say "Oh, you don't have work today? What'd you do, quit again?" at which point I'll have to say "I don't want to talk about work" for the millionth time.
I had/have zero privacy, and no benefit of the doubt was ever extended to me. Scratched paint on MY car at age 16 would be pointed out immediately and my excuse picked apart. When I moved out of their house at 18, I forgot to change my address with the local tax collector; the overdue notice for the school tax went to their house and I never heard the end of it. My parents still drive by my house and tell me I need to cut the lawn, get my driveway repaved, fix this or that, etc.
I can't be honest or open with anyone in my personal life because of them. I'm walking on eggshells all the time, just wondering when my next screw-up will be. I am not well. One of these days I'll cut off contact with them entirely. One of these days.

Edit: Title should say *abused me
I (27M) had 3 younger sisters growing up. 2 of them were close to me in age, while the youngest one was much younger. The youngest one (I'll call her G) was the only one that felt safe to be around. In many ways were were like two lost children. I was the oldest who had been dumped like used trash the second I stopped getting straight A's in school (one C on one homework would cause ndad to scream at me and claim that I "ruined my future"), while G was an accidental birth (had to question nmom for years to get her to admit it) and didn't even have her own room. She had to stay in the same room as one of my nsiblings, who I'll talk about later. Suffice it to say that she and I were treated like garbage and many of the genuinely good moments I have from my childhood are of spending time with her.
My other two siblings were the nsiblings. Both of them were close in age with me with only a couple years between us. One (I'll call her F) was diagnosed with bipolar and clearly had something off about her when she was growing up. She'd insult and abuse me for no reason and was constantly passive aggressive. One thing she did when she was in middle school was play the piano for hours every time she and I were alone in the house. She'd wait until the moment I sat down to watch TV (which was unfortunately in the same room as the piano) and then would walk in and start playing as loudly as she could. If I told her to stop she'd give me this disturbing smile and would play even louder. When I tried in fucking vain to tell my nparents to make her stop, she would claim that she was just "practicing for music class". She did many things like that and my nparents always took her side, even gaslighting me into believing that she wasn't psychologically tormenting me. She also loved to have power trips over me by forcing her way into everything I was doing just because she knew her presence enraged me. She forced my friend's parents to invite her to a sleepover with me, for example. She demanded that she went to the same middle school, high school, and even college as me. She would even make my nparents celebrate her and my birthday on the same day even though they were a month apart. She used to tell me we were "irish" twins with a fucking smirk on her face, knowing that more than anything I wanted to differentiate myself from her. She felt like a fucking parasite that I couldn't get rid of, and she loved using that to torture me. Ndad also was in on it, as he'd talk about me and her as if we were the same person and would involve me in the blame for anything she did. He would, for example, set up the family dinner table so that everyone was in their own seats and that the only seat left was next to F, and he'd yell at me if I protested. Fucking narcissistic asshole. One other thing F did was whenever she got in trouble (usually for bullying my nsibling who my nparents would actually defend) she would try to get me punished too. It was as if her whole purpose in life was to destroy me, and she didn't care if she got punished as long as I was punished too. In high school and college she acted as if she hadn't done anything wrong to me for our whole childhoods and started guilt-tripping me for not wanting to spend time with her. Looking back, I think she wanted to go to the same college as me just to torment me more, but it's hard to know for sure. She even guilt-tripped me into letting her borrow my car and would then park it at her apartment complex and delay returning it for days. She even got pulled over and got a ticket IN MY CAR for not having a license AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME, and then acted as if I was "overreacting" for getting furious when she casually mentioned it to me. To this day I never regret going no contact with that psychotic bitch. I still remember physically feeling relief after hanging up on her while she was in the middle of yelling at me for not letting me use her car and blocking her number. I will never consider that person to have been my sister. Sisters don't treat their brothers, or anyone, like that.
The other nsibiling (I'll call her C) was one of the cruelest people I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. Unlike F, she was manipulative and seemed to not have any mental disorders, so everything she did was calculated. One thing she always did was put me down for any interests and hobbies I had. She'd make fun of any video game she saw me playing, insult my friends, and insult me personally for no reason. There was no prompting for these things--she'd just walk by me and insult me out of the blue. My nparents always took her side and never even allowed me to retaliate. If I did, then C would run crying to them and act as if I was the one attacking her. She would say anything she could to get under my skin. I even felt shame for not having "better comebacks" to her insults, but looking back I know that if I said anything back my nparents would brutally abuse me, and I was also a good person who didn't spend every fucking waking moment of my day honing my skills at insulting people in the cruelest way possible. Anyway, C was also abused by F which sometimes made me feel as if we could relate to one another, but she never had any inclination to be anything but cruel to me. If anything, C would abuse her "favorite" status by making my nparents force me to drive her around in my car on errands. Nmom couldn't be bothered to drive her own daughter to places, so why not force her scapegoat son to do it? And C never thanked me of course, she just smugly smiled on her fucking power trip. She also loved to use any opportunity she could to drive my car and make me sit in the passenger seat, knowing that I couldn't do anything because ndad would beat me if he found out that I had gasp fought back. In fact, the last time I had any contact with her was when she demanded that my nparents make me give her my room when she was visiting home from college. I was 23 at the time and was already planning my escape, and here was C, the fucking c*nt coming in one last time to have a fucking power trip over me. Nmom, her good little soldier, first tried to bully G (my youngest sister) into giving up her room, and when that didn't work she spent close to an hour screaming, insulting, and trying to berate me into giving up my room. I am proud of myself for saying no and not letting her get away with her shit, but eventually I gave in for the practical reason that nmom may very well kick me out of the house and make me homeless rather than say no to F. I went no contact with all of them 2 weeks after that happened. Good fucking riddens. (Side note, when I watched Avatar the Last Airbender for the first time I couldn't stop thinking how similar Azula was to her.)
Now that I'm no contact I am able to have peace and quiet for the first time in my life. No one can insult me anymore. No one can walk into my space and take it over like my nsisters did. No one will disrespect or humiliate me. But man, the things they did to me have been hard to process and move on from. I still have boiling rage over what they did to me that I don't know what to do about. I still have nightmares about them, such as one I had last night which inspired me to make this post. I've even had nightmares where C and F walk into my apartment and refuse to leave, having another one of their power trips. Even though I know that will never happen, it shows me how much they affected me and, in many ways, traumatized me. Sometimes I have flashbacks where I'm afraid to talk to or be around any woman I meet because I'm afraid of them treating me like F and C did. It's as if I expect every woman to act like them, even though I logically know that's not true and that I've met many who have treated me with kindness and respect. When there's that disconnect between logically knowing something vs not feeling like it's true, that's a sign of trauma for me.
You know what I'm proud of though? I held on to my humanity. My nsiblings became (or maybe always were) horrifically cruel people and were allowed and even encouraged to be that way. They'll spend the rest of their lives treating people like that, still being treated like garbage by my nparents and probably never going no contact. I'm the one who escaped and got to live his life. I didn't allow myself to become like my nparents. Are the scars still there? Of course. Will it take time for me to trust people and learn what safety feels like? Absolutely. But I have as much time as I need to do that now. No one's pressuring me to do anything anymore. No one's screaming at me for not meeting their perpetually-moving goalposts and impossible expectations. No, I get to meet the people that I want and live in a city that I chose. I have all the time in the world.
Also screw Mother's Day. Not going to give that cruel excuse for a human being any attention, even in a post about the things my nfamily did to me.

I feel like the wind has been kicked out of me. I’m not sure what I believe anymore, I wonder if I’m toxic, and the Lord feels so silent. I used to be the girl that led worship, couldn’t wait to open my Bible in the morning, and spent so much time encouraging other people. Now I feel like the toxic narcissist who doesn’t even know if God is real. I don’t understand the church (I know it isn’t perfect) and I don’t know what is real or even good anymore.
Sorry, this may be a long story.
So, in January of 2023 I got married. I’m now getting a divorce based upon abuse, abandonment, and neglect. You can go read my other posts to see the nightmare, but here are some reasons. I told my husband I would rip up papers if he changed, and his response was “I know I need to change but I don’t want to for you.” I’d take him back even now (I know I have an issue with this).
My husband has an STD and says it’s better for me to get the std then for him to take medicine. His family has defamed my name all because we bought a house and his mother didn’t like it. I’ve had death threats, they’ve harassed me, his mother hit me, etc. my husband could never stand up to his family for me and didn’t even see the issue. My husband repeatedly walks out on me, turns to substances, and looks at porn. He began looking at porn a month into marriage. He lied about major parts of his identity. And he would have no consensual sex with me. His family has also taken money from us, humiliated me, etc. my husband re-established a relationship with them again, and said it was a deal breaker if I wouldn’t. But I literally couldn’t. They said they didn’t know what they did wrong yet they said they wanted my dead, called me horrible names, said I was a demon, and took money from us. They said they’d never respect us and they didn’t want to see me. They would call in the middle of the night and be heading to our house.
The messed up thing is his family helped start a mega church in the south. They’re so influential and people adore them.
The church started screwing up even before we got married. Our premarital counselors were counseled for their own premarital work by my husband’s parents. I didn’t know this at the time, but learned it later on. When issues with his family arose, I was spoken down to and given bad advice.
A month into marriage, I went to them because of the porn. My husband blamed me for the porn usage. They told me on a group zoom call with all of us that I needed to extend more grace and it wasn’t any form of adultery. I didn’t think it was as bad as “cheating” but a month into marriage was a tough pill to swallow…and my husband didn’t even confess it to me. I found out.
When my MIL started getting my bad, I went to the woman or the couple who counseled us and she said “that doesn’t sound like the woman I know. I’ll pray for you from a distant but it’s best I don’t get involved.” Yet the couple still checked on my husband.
I went to the church again after my MIL hit me and lied about me. I actually went to them confessing my horrible reactions to this (never to my in laws face but always fighting with my husband). They told me I was probably being sensitive but they began counseling us. Our premarital couple wouldn’t check on me but checked on Andrew. I felt like they would just correct me and support my husband. I felt silenced.
As the nightmare continued, I found out about the issues with the STD and the lies surrounding his identity before we got married. I knew he had an STD, but we had rules going into marriage and consulted a doctor. He said he would do anything to protect me and we had a plan. He did none of it and actually had outbreaks that he never told me about. I realized at this point that my husband was a chronic liar and couldn’t tell the truth about anything. I also found out about his past with prostitutes. Didn’t know about this before marriage. When I found out, he told me it was just in 2018. Then after I asked enough questions, I realized it was 2019 and 2020 and 2021 and 2022. I had to ask the questions though…he never could confess.
I started getting abused by my husband with the stonewalling. The church said I needed to be more gracious. The issue was, I never got angry when I found out about his sin. I got angry at my husbands treatment of me after. I never snapped about the porn. I never got angry about the sins. I was always calm. The problem is my husband never confessed it. I somehow always found out about it and he had excuses when I calmly confronted him.
The issues continued and then one day in October, I found all of this porn. After the February fiasco, my husband told me all of these stories about how God healed him. Well, he lied. There was so much porn and he was looking up exes on Facebook. I thought there was an affair going on. I called the counselors again for help because my husband refused to talk about it. They said it was inappropriate for me to bring up. They asked my husband if he was having an affair, my husband said no, and I was reprimanded. They did assign us a couple to mentor us. The couple saw me and saw a woman getting abused. I thought I had support.
My husband kept walking out on me. I called the girl and said I felt like I was losing my dignity. My husband would walk out in the middle of a conversation if he wasn’t happy. She told me “Jesus didn’t have any dignity in the Cross. You need to be patient with your husband.” I told her I didn’t agree with her at all and that it was horrible to say that. She had another woman in the church call me and say her feelings were hurt. Then the couple broke up with us so to speak. Yet the husband kept keeping up with my husband. They just pushed me out.
We continued counseling at the church and I was told I had a forgiveness problem, a bitterness problem, and I was weaponizing my husbands sin. They gave me so many books I had to read. So many journal prompts. I always felt like the problem. My husband wasn’t acting repentant but would say the right things in counseling. They would tell me I didn’t have the grace to see God’s work in my husbands life. But I’m the girl that was telling my husband it could be his greatest comeback, was doing all of the homework, was fasting for my husband. I didn’t bring the issues into our marriage. I wasn’t lying. I was getting abused by his family. The therapy homework my husband had, he never did. And then it was like he’d get his hand slapped after that, and then he would be fine. After ten months of therapy, his behavior was worse. I would clearly communicate things that would Help me trust and feel loved. He never did those things. I felt like I was putting in all of the work.
He kept looking at porn snd getting dip, yet he had accountability. My husband would say he didn’t want to be a husband and leave for the weekend, yet I never knew if his accountability knew these things. I asked if I could be included or informed about his “growth” and my husband got angry at me, saying that I was too concerned about what others thought. I was kept in the dark. I did find out he would tell partial truth to his sin. He wouldn’t say he lied about porn and got found out: he’d say ‘just slipped up and told wife about it.’ I was silenced and my husband was getting all of the help. He would also walk out on me and check other women out and tell me about it.
In January, my husbands uncle asked for our wedding gift back. He called it a loan. He then called me a demon. My husband gave the money back. I went to my husband and said this needs to stop. Please go talk to your parents. He came back saying “god was in that conversation. We need to go back to my family. They’ve forgiven us.” I never did a thing to his family. I didn’t feel safe going.
I went to our elder and he and I met. He had spoke to our counselor at a church who said “she is just struggling with forgiveness.” My elder told me that and I broke down. I’d read the books. I’d tried to work on forgiveness. I really didn’t think I had an issue. The sins were just continuing and getting worse. He understood this and we sat down with a pastor and my husband. They told me he needed to shape up. I told them everything. About the marital rape, his family, etc. they were shocked and said to us “we are going to talk with the church this week and see if you have biblical grounds for divorce. We will let you know in the next week but we feel you have it.” They never got back to me about that.
A pastor called me two weeks later and said my husband walks out on me because of my reactions. They also told me my behavior was toxic because I only focused on my husbands sin in that meeting. That just isn’t true. I did focus on my sin as well.
Our last counseling happened in February. They said they were going to give my husband intense accountability and come up with a plan. They said they were going to honor my need to know about the accountability. The plan was for them to meet with my husband and then they would meet with me and tell me the plan. That way, moving forward they could see if he was actually repentant.
They also told me I was a pessimist and my husband was an optimist and I didn’t have the ability to see God at work. Ex: when they ask at the beginning of therapy how things were going, my husband said “our communication was better and we had a good week.” It was actually the worst week. I got cursed out in a date, he told me it was a deal breaker if I didn’t go back to his family, he was lying about taking std medication, and he was walking out on me or ignoring me. The only difference was I wasn’t getting angry. I just stayed quiet. I explained my side. I pleaded with the counselor and said I didn’t feel safe. He acknowledged that my safety was important, but it just stopped there.
So my husband had this meeting, but when he was at the meeting, he told me beforehand he was going to tell them he was done with me. I was actually crying and packing my bags. He came home and said “I am free in Christ and I want to be married.” Then he went to bed. Two days later, he “confessed” r rated thoughts (went into detail) about two women he had sex in his mind with all day. I felt like a confessional box. It was so mean and hurtful.
No one ever contacted me about this meeting. My husband’s behavior was getting worse and I felt silenced. My husband could never deny something I said in counseling yet the church told me that I was self deceiving myself.
I kept begging the my husband to love me. He said he didn’t know how to. He was going to church without me. I didn’t feel comfortable going to church because it felt like everyone on leadership knew great detail about what was going on. Finally, I told him at had contacted lawyers. I said “I don’t want a divorce and I want to be married. But we have been in counseling for ten months and it’s worse. Can you please change.” His behavior got worse.
We did an out of house separation and one day we had an awesome conversation. I felt hopeful. At the end of the conversation he said “I’m done I don’t want to be married to you” and he hung up the phone. I tried calling. I tried texting. No answer.
I went ahead and got the papers. I told the church what I did. I told the church “weren’t yall supposed to contact me? I would have but you all told me I couldn’t reach out until you guys spoke to me. I’ve been waiting.” They apologized for forgetting about it. They then threatened my membership if I went forward with a divorce because they didn’t think I had biblical grounds. I told them every other pastor outside of this church that I went to said I had grounds.
I gave my husband the papers and said I would rip them up if he showed change. He said “I’ll sign wherever and write you a check.” He spoke with the pastors and they were in support of him. They’re offering him counseling. My husband has no emotion towards me. He put the house up on the market and won’t even speak to me.
I called the church and asked them to not publish my name in the members meeting. They’d explain in this big packet that i am resigning from the church with concern. They also publicly explain the issue. We got to a reformed church that is borderline mega church now. I didn’t know they were doing that. They told me I went over their leadership and got a divorce. I explained how I didn’t do that. He said “it’s not personal and we care about you.” Excuse my language, but he was an A-hole on the phone to me.
Now, I’m sitting here broken. None of this is fair. My house shouldn’t be up for sale. I shouldn’t be living in a box. My husband doesn’t care and abused me. I wonder if there is a God. I wonder if I’m at fault. I wonder if I’m just a narcissistic sinner who is so evil. I wonder if I’m the issue. I can’t even open my bible. I wonder if because of that I’m the evil one. I can’t hear from God. I wonder if it’s because of unconfessed sin that I don’t even know about. I feel like Hagar in the Bible. Everything I thought I knew to be true is a lie. I just wish I could rewind time. Maybe the situation was different. This may be a rant. But it also is my last ditched effort to figure out if I even think about church again.

I feel like the wind has been kicked out of me. I’m not sure what I believe anymore, I wonder if I’m toxic, and the Lord feels so silent. I used to be the girl that led worship, couldn’t wait to open my Bible in the morning, and spent so much time encouraging other people. Now I feel like the toxic narcissist who doesn’t even know if God is real. I don’t understand the church (I know it isn’t perfect) and I don’t know what is real or even good anymore.
Sorry, this may be a long story.
So, in January of 2023 I got married. I’m now getting a divorce based upon abuse, abandonment, and neglect. You can go read my other posts to see the nightmare, but here are some reasons. I told my husband I would rip up papers if he changed, and his response was “I know I need to change but I don’t want to for you.” I’d take him back even now (I know I have an issue with this).
My husband has an STD and says it’s better for me to get the std then for him to take medicine. His family has defamed my name all because we bought a house and his mother didn’t like it. I’ve had death threats, they’ve harassed me, his mother hit me, etc. my husband could never stand up to his family for me and didn’t even see the issue. My husband repeatedly walks out on me, turns to substances, and looks at porn. He began looking at porn a month into marriage. He lied about major parts of his identity. And he would have no consensual sex with me. His family has also taken money from us, humiliated me, etc. my husband re-established a relationship with them again, and said it was a deal breaker if I wouldn’t. But I literally couldn’t. They said they didn’t know what they did wrong yet they said they wanted my dead, called me horrible names, said I was a demon, and took money from us. They said they’d never respect us and they didn’t want to see me. They would call in the middle of the night and be heading to our house.
The messed up thing is his family helped start a mega church in the south. They’re so influential and people adore them.
The church started screwing up even before we got married. Our premarital counselors were counseled for their own premarital work by my husband’s parents. I didn’t know this at the time, but learned it later on. When issues with his family arose, I was spoken down to and given bad advice.
A month into marriage, I went to them because of the porn. My husband blamed me for the porn usage. They told me on a group zoom call with all of us that I needed to extend more grace and it wasn’t any form of adultery. I didn’t think it was as bad as “cheating” but a month into marriage was a tough pill to swallow…and my husband didn’t even confess it to me. I found out.
When my MIL started getting my bad, I went to the woman or the couple who counseled us and she said “that doesn’t sound like the woman I know. I’ll pray for you from a distant but it’s best I don’t get involved.” Yet the couple still checked on my husband.
I went to the church again after my MIL hit me and lied about me. I actually went to them confessing my horrible reactions to this (never to my in laws face but always fighting with my husband). They told me I was probably being sensitive but they began counseling us. Our premarital couple wouldn’t check on me but checked on him. I felt like they would just correct me and support my husband. I felt silenced.
As the nightmare continued, I found out about the issues with the STD and the lies surrounding his identity before we got married. I knew he had an STD, but we had rules going into marriage and consulted a doctor. He said he would do anything to protect me and we had a plan. He did none of it and actually had outbreaks that he never told me about. I realized at this point that my husband was a chronic liar and couldn’t tell the truth about anything. I also found out about his past with prostitutes. Didn’t know about this before marriage. When I found out, he told me it was just in 2018. Then after I asked enough questions, I realized it was 2019 and 2020 and 2021 and 2022. I had to ask the questions though…he never could confess.
I started getting abused by my husband with the stonewalling. The church said I needed to be more gracious. The issue was, I never got angry when I found out about his sin. I got angry at my husbands treatment of me after. I never snapped about the porn. I never got angry about the sins. I was always calm. The problem is my husband never confessed it. I somehow always found out about it and he had excuses when I calmly confronted him.
The issues continued and then one day in October, I found all of this porn. After the February fiasco, my husband told me all of these stories about how God healed him. Well, he lied. There was so much porn and he was looking up exes on Facebook. I thought there was an affair going on. I called the counselors again for help because my husband refused to talk about it. They said it was inappropriate for me to bring up. They asked my husband if he was having an affair, my husband said no, and I was reprimanded. They did assign us a couple to mentor us. The couple saw me and saw a woman getting abused. I thought I had support.
My husband kept walking out on me. I called the girl and said I felt like I was losing my dignity. My husband would walk out in the middle of a conversation if he wasn’t happy. She told me “Jesus didn’t have any dignity in the Cross. You need to be patient with your husband.” I told her I didn’t agree with her at all and that it was horrible to say that. She had another woman in the church call me and say her feelings were hurt. Then the couple broke up with us so to speak. Yet the husband kept keeping up with my husband. They just pushed me out.
We continued counseling at the church and I was told I had a forgiveness problem, a bitterness problem, and I was weaponizing my husbands sin. They gave me so many books I had to read. So many journal prompts. I always felt like the problem. My husband wasn’t acting repentant but would say the right things in counseling. They would tell me I didn’t have the grace to see God’s work in my husbands life. But I’m the girl that was telling my husband it could be his greatest comeback, was doing all of the homework, was fasting for my husband. I didn’t bring the issues into our marriage. I wasn’t lying. I was getting abused by his family. The therapy homework my husband had, he never did. And then it was like he’d get his hand slapped after that, and then he would be fine. After ten months of therapy, his behavior was worse. I would clearly communicate things that would Help me trust and feel loved. He never did those things. I felt like I was putting in all of the work.
He kept looking at porn snd getting dip, yet he had accountability. My husband would say he didn’t want to be a husband and leave for the weekend, yet I never knew if his accountability knew these things. I asked if I could be included or informed about his “growth” and my husband got angry at me, saying that I was too concerned about what others thought. I was kept in the dark. I did find out he would tell partial truth to his sin. He wouldn’t say he lied about porn and got found out: he’d say ‘just slipped up and told wife about it.’ I was silenced and my husband was getting all of the help. He would also walk out on me and check other women out and tell me about it.
In January, my husbands uncle asked for our wedding gift back. He called it a loan. He then called me a demon. My husband gave the money back. I went to my husband and said this needs to stop. Please go talk to your parents. He came back saying “god was in that conversation. We need to go back to my family. They’ve forgiven us.” I never did a thing to his family. I didn’t feel safe going.
I went to our elder and he and I met. He had spoke to our counselor at a church who said “she is just struggling with forgiveness.” My elder told me that and I broke down. I’d read the books. I’d tried to work on forgiveness. I really didn’t think I had an issue. The sins were just continuing and getting worse. He understood this and we sat down with a pastor and my husband. They told me he needed to shape up. I told them everything. About the marital rape, his family, etc. they were shocked and said to us “we are going to talk with the church this week and see if you have biblical grounds for divorce. We will let you know in the next week but we feel you have it.” They never got back to me about that.
A pastor called me two weeks later and said my husband walks out on me because of my reactions. They also told me my behavior was toxic because I only focused on my husbands sin in that meeting. That just isn’t true. I did focus on my sin as well.
Our last counseling happened in February. They said they were going to give my husband intense accountability and come up with a plan. They said they were going to honor my need to know about the accountability. The plan was for them to meet with my husband and then they would meet with me and tell me the plan. That way, moving forward they could see if he was actually repentant.
They also told me I was a pessimist and my husband was an optimist and I didn’t have the ability to see God at work. Ex: when they ask at the beginning of therapy how things were going, my husband said “our communication was better and we had a good week.” It was actually the worst week. I got cursed out in a date, he told me it was a deal breaker if I didn’t go back to his family, he was lying about taking std medication, and he was walking out on me or ignoring me. The only difference was I wasn’t getting angry. I just stayed quiet. I explained my side. I pleaded with the counselor and said I didn’t feel safe. He acknowledged that my safety was important, but it just stopped there.
So my husband had this meeting, but when he was at the meeting, he told me beforehand he was going to tell them he was done with me. I was actually crying and packing my bags. He came home and said “I am free in Christ and I want to be married.” Then he went to bed. Two days later, he “confessed” r rated thoughts (went into detail) about two women he had sex in his mind with all day. I felt like a confessional box. It was so mean and hurtful.
No one ever contacted me about this meeting. My husband’s behavior was getting worse and I felt silenced. My husband could never deny something I said in counseling yet the church told me that I was self deceiving myself.
I kept begging the my husband to love me. He said he didn’t know how to. He was going to church without me. I didn’t feel comfortable going to church because it felt like everyone on leadership knew great detail about what was going on. Finally, I told him at had contacted lawyers. I said “I don’t want a divorce and I want to be married. But we have been in counseling for ten months and it’s worse. Can you please change.” His behavior got worse.
We did an out of house separation and one day we had an awesome conversation. I felt hopeful. At the end of the conversation he said “I’m done I don’t want to be married to you” and he hung up the phone. I tried calling. I tried texting. No answer.
I went ahead and got the papers. I told the church what I did. I told the church “weren’t yall supposed to contact me? I would have but you all told me I couldn’t reach out until you guys spoke to me. I’ve been waiting.” They apologized for forgetting about it. They then threatened my membership if I went forward with a divorce because they didn’t think I had biblical grounds. I told them every other pastor outside of this church that I went to said I had grounds.
I gave my husband the papers and said I would rip them up if he showed change. He said “I’ll sign wherever and write you a check.” He spoke with the pastors and they were in support of him. They’re offering him counseling. My husband has no emotion towards me. He put the house up on the market and won’t even speak to me.
I called the church and asked them to not publish my name in the members meeting. They’d explain in this big packet that i am resigning from the church with concern. They also publicly explain the issue. We got to a reformed church that is borderline mega church now. I didn’t know they were doing that. They told me I went over their leadership and got a divorce. I explained how I didn’t do that. He said “it’s not personal and we care about you.” Excuse my language, but he was an A-hole on the phone to me.
Now, I’m sitting here broken. None of this is fair. My house shouldn’t be up for sale. I shouldn’t be living in a box. My husband doesn’t care and abused me. I wonder if there is a God. I wonder if I’m at fault. I wonder if I’m just a narcissistic sinner who is so evil. I wonder if I’m the issue. I can’t even open my bible. I wonder if because of that I’m the evil one. I can’t hear from God. I wonder if it’s because of unconfessed sin that I don’t even know about. I feel like Hagar in the Bible. Everything I thought I knew to be true is a lie. I just wish I could rewind time. Maybe the situation was different. This may be a rant. But it also is my last ditched effort to figure out if I even think about church again.

omg ok so I *JUST* found out you're not supposed to write/analyse chronologically at all. Idk what my teacher's been smoking but throughout the 2 years of IGCSE, she kept encouraging us to analyse chronologically, so that's all I've been doing so far. My friend has a tutor, and while on a call with her jsut now, we talked a bit about our methods for analysis and she immediately pointed out that writing chronologically is a big 'no'. I also asked some friends from other classes after that and they agreed as well.
I tried grouping my points, but because I've literally never done it before I found it quite hard to group all my points without leaving anything out, + it was quite time consuming thinking of how to group the points. That and I'm naturally not too good at englit so there's skill issu involved.
Also my teacher just returned my essays for set poems (i do songs of ourselves, vol 1) and I got 18/25, 18/25, 17/25 and 14/25 respectively. These are the lowest grades I've gotten so far, usually I can hit 20+/25. At the same time, I've never gotten higher than 23/25. Either way, I'm pretty shaken up... I have to get an A*.
So, my Q is: How lenient are the examiners? Will they excuse my chronological writing + not be so harsh on the marking?
my exam is tmr for poem + prose

I’m a female 17. I have recently been losing friendships. I haven’t been able to keep close with the same peopel ever since i was little. Recently i’ve overanalyzed everything about friendships and when someone does things i don’t like or i can tell that they are pulling away i pull away even more. This causing my friendships to end. I don’t have any close friends currently and i have no effort to make them.
when i’m with people i’m not close with i try and act like how i think they would like me to act. I don’t know if that makes sense but i feel like i’ve lost my personality and i don’t remember how i used to be anymore. I can’t get close to people anymore. People ask me to hangout and i usually cancel because i make excuses to myself like “i’m kind of tired” “i need to do homework” but instead i’m in bed trying to figure out the inner reason why i always cancel.
A major issue that i do is put things off because of anxiety and overtime it just makes it worse. for example i was scared of my ex boyfriends parents and would never go to his house and always make excuses. It turned into months of me not going. It got to the point where i had to break up with him because i couldn’t deal with the anxiety of all of that. I regret it a lot. But i would never go back just because i couldn’t handle talking to them. (they are not bad people, i don’t know why i’m so scared of talking to them.) I think it’s because i want them to like me but whenever i talk to them it was just not my personality. I need advice of what is the issue with me and what i can do to help it.

Hi, this is my first post in reddit and subreddit Healthygamergg. Doesn't mean this post is less or more complex to read or write.
WARNING: HIGHLY DENSE NONSENSE IN STUFF HERE! AHH!! Warn!
Reason: Autism causes high levels of word jargon possibility. Some instances of the disorder will result in inability of capability of knonof of apwors. gjaaep[kf. I've been here for 15 years and english has been only language but no word knowledge! Thank ypb;./
At the age of 15, I have a ominous feeling of being internally old resulting into the feeling of 'too old for anything anymore', while also feeling that the world is not real, instead being virtual/digital or similar to the same reality-feeling dreaming, and that I am not real, instead being a controlled character (Playable Character) by an autonomous player, or a person from the future is using their dyson sphere (a device that covers a star for energy) to relive their far earlier, yet simple life like a dream. These two feelings, the first one like a depressive and anhedonic (without pleasure) symptom, and the second one looks like Depersonaliztion-Derealization Disorder, are not likely to be a normal feeling of a 15 year old. (Btw, the fact that this is my first post also doesn't mean you have less of an excuse to report in case of rule break. Teach me lessons! I am DERP!)
Here's a table of what might be my mental disorders (feel free to read only names, as critical amount of word stability is reductioned by matter multiplyed by speed of light squared minus energy):
Loading executive functioning...
WARNING! These words disintergrate into stupid soup sometime! I find it insulting to myself of the level of uncapability, so some of you may be annoyance at the level of un read!

Mental/Emotional Disorder	Amount of diagnosis (Any diagnosis listed here is worse representation of experience than experience of professional)	Likely linked Experience (sorry, no ability to show what disorder is doing)
Autism	Diagnosed with autism test by professional, mild presentation (powerpoint slide number two thousand and fininjps) !!NO WORDS!!	Constantly claiming they/I are more educated in autism than other kids who say autism or [other person] is so autistic. Commonly has a disconnect between thought of words and used words (I should use the words 'skill of communication'!). Rambling and poor writing skills (algj iaodyc9b!? ieeee??). Finds (meta jokes to be funny (Where am i?) )? Likely involved in the important process of random information hallucination and execution on nonsense.
ADHD	Diagnosed within autism test, mild and inattentive presentation. (Hypotheized to not be real by noone, but likely has a bad name) (My ADHD likely doesn't represent ADHD.)	Nonely applicability (N/A). Experiences the need of perfectionism while not perfecting anything. Stimulants have a minor effect on performance. Makes too many things to do and too little time for sequential follow through (~0 seconds of follow through per task)
Alexithymia	Semi-personal self diagnosis and trient-professional screener test from therapist that results were reasonably high. (this isn't even a disorder!?! Just a indicator of other disorders?) (Likely exists in me)	Ability to interpret emotions after possible emotions processed into one is not impaired, but difficulty with determining whether emotional state is null ("business as usual") or is somehow slowly accumulating with errors. Commonly results in "Ah, but i think about things in third person instead of say feelings" when talking to my therapist and in these current words.
Anhedonia	Personal, ominous, spooky, scary self diagnosis (skeletons). Likely mild persentation? IDK, i'm no good diagnonal. (Might exists)	(Context: currently using fluxotine (please go to lined professional for treatment plane), which likely increases energy, then confidence without directly affecting happiness.) Boredom! No likee gaem! Only want do good, fun work. No happy other! Still do videogame? Confusing gamer, good game! ERR10192: low writing process paios lnogs. Final word: BOREDOM!!!! End log of personality instance [redacted]. Note on the high levels of dislike in non-personally relative to or non-serotonergic activities, but dislike has not been able to be correlated with actual inability of action. This is likely on the basis that the dissasociative disorders don't allow acknowledgement of happy or unhappy, just unknown.
Major Depressive Disorder	Personal self diagonsis, (uh, uhm actually it's Mild Major Depressive Disorder). (as it's your major, huh? Depressive Disorder?) (Might exists due to unlikely remain)	Everything is just so dysfunctional! So stupid. The rock is stupid, the computer is stupid, etc. It's stupid because when I look at it as a tool, the few options for how to use it are too limited. Not even these disorders are smart, as they kind of just disintergrated for me when I lowerd my diassociation. Either that, or I'm too young and old at the same time for any of this "hur durr I am sad because I thought the world was stupid" I said to myself. Your experience may vary, 0/10, made me less depressed.
Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder	Personal unself not real diagnosis. If it was mild, it would feel more real, as if that's a real thing (Insert sterotype here, as if thats a real thing).	Wait, my therapist talked about this disorder as if it's terrible?!? AHHH! RUNN! Anyways, what was real again? Wait, You're telling me i'm in a? WOW! ...[more third person single sided conservation ensues] Apparently DDD is associated with disorders ("Mood, anxiety and personality disorders are often comorbid with depersonalisation disorder..." -NIH) Unpersonally, I don't understand the long term effects of having the higher comorbidity.
Decisive Historical Disasociative Trauma	This disorder doesn't even exist! These are just unreal words being made into abstract concepts by poorly connected neurons! This disorder is the decisive stage of highly disasociative historical trauma, and unless in the future is invented, it doesn't exist. However, the current autism expert in the local area of the keyboard producing these words predicts it might mean more than at first glance: not just nonsense.	N/A

Now that you are likely educated in undefined, let us (lettuce) go (please) back to the current topic: my depressive disorder that is so annoyed at my something?

Part two: What even is trauma?

Spoiler:>! Here's the spoiler: I don't know!!<
Hmm... I don't know?
2.2: What is historical trauma? What's your perspective on it?
Historical trauma is the trauma that affects people in the future due to being highly significant.
Based on the possible fact that trauma is passable by genetics due to the enabling or disabling of genes, find out more by looking at whatever Epigenetics (the process of researching the way the environment affects your DNA that isn't simply DNA sequence through evolution) is, I assume that the historical significance of a trauma makes generational and historical trauma last longer or binarly/linearly activate. This means bad for me, good for people who need to escape trauma back in day of tribal danger basics and maybe guide for trauma is good for people who need to escape trauma back in my day of digital nonsense that was clicky click instead of dyson sphere!

Part three: Doctor K! Alok! Kanojia! The timetraveling trauma is going to get me and other peoples!!

^{How spook.}
[Likely loss of any cognition of writen words at current locational timeline of word string. Barrier cross analysis reveals extreme errors. determinable action is to not care, as extreme disrepair is not solvable by non normal executable actions of the problems resulting in the writing issues in the place of the problem.]
Urga burga! (likely expresses anger, more a chant, likely a fake word) Once, I was this age. Then, I once typed out these words to a therapeutic value. I remembered the one time when I was 6 or 7, and a feeling that indicated something like anhedonia and or depression, a deep boredom of all things functional in my life, happened to me at the time of sitting in a chair at school. I apparently lost lots of energy after that, but the few memories that stayed and are still easily acessible without requirement of remindecontext clues don't really show the process, so I assumed it was just a slow process.
Soon after getting my autism diagnosis and inattentive ADHD due to the autism making me have speech delays, the therapist that was going to get me on the mental health help used the DSM-5 to show I had the mild Major Depressive Disorder. Going to the doctors who I was getting not-so-effective ADHD treatment at the time (it's more effective now), I was talking to a simple yet likely complex life of healthcare doctor about my mental issues, but they talked about Anhedonia and how that sounds like that, just that I was too young to determine plan of action for how to fix such a complicated disorder. Learning what Anhedonia meant, I went to school and summarized the five mental disorders I knew of me having at the time, which didn't have the Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder but had Alexithymia, inside of a text based reading app where you click on the buttons to learn about how the mental disorders affected me or something. Next, I learned about Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder, which when mentioned to the therapist, they thought it was not a normal thing, not normal at all for a child.
Next, I was getting more concerned how long ADHD medication would take to treat my problems. I already knew about HealthyGamerGG, but I hadn't yet gotten the guide to mental health. Also, I was getting more and more concerned about how long I would want to be treated with the problems. So, I got the guide, but when I eventually learned about Doshas, the three elements that abstractly represent how the mental disorders work, I found something spooky.
The Major Depressive Disorder I thought was so 'la lah lahh la!' was actually a cyclic process that brought inattentive ADHD when it was depressive, and somewhat depression when it wasn't. I understood this because it seemed as though if I didn't take action, it would threaten to make me sadder, and even when I did take action to reverse it, it would still require double the amount it requires to go from a downer to an neutral. This was also noticeable in that the Vata Dosha was being affected whenever I did this action, and I then correctly assumed it was because I was a Vata by how my Vata was always increasing for many of the actions I took, showing my personality to be equipped for that specificly. This showed how my Vata being inactive when the 'cyclic depression' was active looked like inattentive ADHD. Next, the cylic property of the depression made it obvious it wasn't Vata, it wasn't Kapha, so it was likely a Pitta depression in it's behavioral property. I noted that observing it's reasoning for depression or source brought my mind back to when I was 6 or 7 of age and had suddenly gotten the sadness, the world could've seemed illogical or nonsensical, but it almost certainly seemed without smart function, then without 'good' function looking back. I saw how the Vata was affected by the depression, so I thought that the depression was more the cause of it's symptom of ADHD instead of a symptom of ADHD. This meant it was surely easy to treat now, right?
So far, I haven't been able to get back to the pediatrican who perscribed the fluxotine, as that's later on in the week, but for now, one thing I know, is that the final plot twist of this EPIC poem... is that i'm likely traumatized from being Native American.

Part Finale: "KarateSnoopy1911, I am your Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim." - Problems and inevitable drama triangle, showing...

^{"Oh no! it's me, something that can include everything else, and everything everywehere!" - Me, and somewhere else!
Drama really sounds like Dharma, but it's different because one is simple funny and one is funnily simple. "Anyways, what is trauma again" - Demoysis, the non-complete idea of a game I would make.
But wait! If I am meant to be typing about trauma... and I'm typing about nonsense... What happened to me??
Native Americans have problem. The Europeans are problem. How do solve Europeans? Nonsense! No able to solve europeans...}
Anyways, I was kind of rambling... Native Americans have been deeply affected by the mass removal of land, people, cultures, and normal well being in America. So far, I've been able to see three affected people in my family, who is my mother of my mom which had two alcholic parents and then seemingly had issues with emotional expression and processing, which then affected my mom, and my dad's father was also an alcoholic, in someway affecting my dad. This means there are three close people to me (my dad's father idk where he is, likely dud) who are affected by the introduction of problems and the coping mechanism of drinking alcohol without genetical adaptation. However, It's not as if even if the people close to me stopped being altered by issues of the past then all sad Native Americans would stop saddening.
I think my main concern with all of this is that I feel awfully similarly disasociative to my mom, being confused what my emotions are and then what that means for my depression that kept my inattentive AttentionDeficitHyperactivityDisorder keeping me away from my depression that was kept in place by the trauma which was kept in place by the two dissasociative disorders... It looks like a big mess in a model, however I think the thing is that the more disorders are interacting, the less it's one disorder and the more it's multiple disorders that want different directions. The general problems in the Europe-like society with all those cars and those city closeness issues and the big clunky clunk house problem, then the digital device confusion of brain zap cause those general trauma errors be danger when no emotional smart.

Conclusion!!!

"Whats up guys!! This is influencer #1908672 making YOU really influenced or something! I want you to conclude that dissasociation is lead to bad or something!!!! What do you community think??? Bye!! I gotta work on myself and so many other problems that occur in weekends like the gaming and the look at the Trauma Problem Solution Plane 5d chess!! IF you liked this Autism interactive interesting Reddit Post, Keep it on here and blah blah blah blah...."
Alok Kanojia, release thine 5/20/2024 Trauma module to thy world!!!
WARNNIG. LOW AMOUNTS OF CRITICISIM NOTICED AT TIME OF CLICKING POST. NON COMPLAISANT WITH DIFFICULTY REGULATION #810697121-17876 WILL RESULT IN [???] AND [INDEX ERROR] AT TIME [INT OVERFLOW ERROR]
WARNING. HIGH LEVELS OF NON COMPLASIANCE WITH STANDARD LEVEL OF WRITING ERRORS. THE PUNISHMENT OF THIS IS [unknown] AND [index lost] AT TIME [no time context level]
Likely cause of error log naug8 was due to high levels of non complaisance with energy costly numero syntax error. this result in result in result in result in result.