Thank you for being my mum poems

dear bean
yknow i know you definitely will not care about this and you will probably tell your friends and say how desperate or annoying or needy or shitty I am, and its fine - say what you want. because honestly I couldn't care less about how you think about me but I just want to be heard from your end one final time. and yea I did say that a couple times, I've tried reaching out a couple times, I've tried being a mature person even though I was actually breaking inside. so yea, I'm sorry I lied, sorry I said it would be my last time contacting you but breaking that promise every time, but this time it really will be the last time.
honestly, I think we had a good run for the what, 4 months we were friends? i have nothing bad to say about you, and even though it was hell after whatever you would call that, I still don't dislike you or hate you or feel negative feelings towards you, cause at the end of the day, we're all humans living life and we can decide when someone isn't worth being in our life anymore (that might sound passive aggressive, it wasn't supposed to sound like that, just read it like I understand the feeling). if you're annoyed by this email - don't keep reading, I'll just go on and on and I guess this email (that I will never send) is just a way for me to reflect and understand my feelings while also giving you, the bean that I knew, a chance to come out one last time before shutting me down once and for all. yea so if you're gonna go beserk from this email, dob me out to all your friends, then I suggest you leave before I pour my heart and soul out.
you were actually really cool in my eyes, talented and smart, it was hard not to admire the determination you had and the willingness to do things. and I hate admitting it, and I know my friends hate hearing me talk about it, but I miss you and your presence. yes, sue me, no I'm not in love with you, yes you made that big of and impact on me. i was scared of you when you first joined honk, you had very sharp and cool eyes. and again - you were talented which intimidated me. but overtime, I understood that you weren't scary, you were actually so sweet and funny and really silly. i liked how you pushed yourself to try harder and new things, like clarinet 1 in honk. i don't even know how we started chatting, I think you were looking for some sheet music or something. honestly it was nice talking to you, even from the beginning. it was fresh talking to someone new, I didn't have high expectations of where this friendship would go but I was happy enough to enjoy the moment while it lasted.
and well, that moment lasted a while. we talked for a week and I could already tell that my crappy feelings would complicate things - I just never met someone so like me before. even though I didn't have strong feelings, I knew they were there, but I still chose to talk to you. how foolish right? i mean we had the same interests, music (clarinet!!), txt, twisted tales, it was a coincidence meeting someone who was like a mini me. and of course, when we started talking about crushes, I felt adrenaline and just kept going until I just puked my feelings over you. I'm not sure how you felt then when I admitted I liked you, but if it was hard for you or if it made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. putting you in that position must have been hard so i'msorry. you said you weren't ready for anything serious, but I was just excited, too happy to find someone finally, that it didn;t occur to me how fast i might be going.
we had our issues, but i thought that we loved each other. i loved you so i thought that even though i had issues, talking it out with you was always the best way to work things out. communication is key, that's what i told myself. i guess it wasn't key, unless it's the key to making friendships break apart. i guess i just tricked myself into thinking you loved me just as much as i loved you, so i thought you had the same idea of communication as i did. and honestly i think a part of me was right, because you did try. but it was my fault, i kept bringing in other little small things that affected me and you had to put me back together. and i guess that must've been annoying cause at some point you just stopped trying. I'm not saying that that's an issue or that it was your problem, I'm under the impression it was all my doing.
looking past that, i seriously loved you so much. i neglected a lot for you - again not blaming you, i did it because i really really loved you so much and i wanted the best for you in every circumstance (even if it didn't seem like it). i left my friends a lot, my mum noticed i was getting more distant and well, after things ended i got into touch with my loved ones again, so I'm in a way grateful for you for doing that.
love is hard to describe. but i knew i had love for you. i said i loved my other crushes. but they were absolutely nothing compared to what i had for you. i had love for you that was comparable to my best friend (don't tell her that). mayve you can tell but words could not describe how or what i felt after things ended. not sure what your breaking point was, but it must have been a big point. i have 3 main points regarding this end of whatever we had:

1. what is it we even had? you said we were just friends - i accept that - but i feel like it was definitely not what i saw. and yes, maybe this is subjective BUT i don't think friends hold hands (well they do but they're not afraid to), they don't celebrate "months of friendship" (recalling every month we were "together" we would celebrate) and friends don't kiss each other's foreheads like that (and if they didn't like it, they'd stop each other). honestly, I'm cringing recalling the fucking embarrassing things i did but it needs to be addressed. i have to ask you - and there's no shame in being truthful because i don't care anymore - what did you see us as? was i a one time fling? was i seriously just your friend? did you have feelings for me then realise i was too high maintenance to handle and dropped me? or maybe there was another factor. that brings me to my next point.
2. was there another person who you realised was better? again, while an average person might see this as morally incorrect - i do not care - you're human and you can feel whatever you want for whoever you want. But i’m genuinely asking, did you? Was it the guy you liked in year 6? The one who bullied you? Call me a detective but, i remember seqc calling one night after things ended, i was back from vietnam and had slightly accepted the idea of the situation. you pulled out some messages from a boy on discord, it was of him admitting he liked you back in year 6. i looked at the date, it was the 6th of january 2023, 9 days before you had the courage to break it off with me. Did he maybe have a part in this? Did you maybe feel things weren’t working out with me and realised you had a chance with someone else so you took it? AGAIN NO SHAME - you do whatever you want to do in life, i’m not shaming you or judging you I just genuinely want to know. I also saw you posting about a boy on your story - not sure if its the same boy but if it was, i hope it went well for you. Sorry these were all the conspiracy theories i made up to cope - crazy right? Imagine what a person can do to you.
3. why did we stop being friends? Even though things didn;t work out romantically (or what i thought was romantic, you thought of as friendship), i don’t know what happened to us. You told me you wanted to be friends. I also wanted to be friends. The only reason that kept me alright was the idea that even though you don’t think of me more, i could still keep you as a friend - someone i could share my passions with and geek out over txt music with. Thats why i tried to stay friends with you. I really and truly did try to make ‘friends’ work with you. But the more i tried - the more annoyed you got. Or i think you were getting annoyed. I wouldn’t know because you didn’t tell me how you felt afterwards. I tried to make it work because you said we could be friends but you gave up on me. I think that’s what hurt me the most - breaking your word. I keep saying it, but you’re entitled to do whatever you want, but it left an emotional scar on me. I don’t want to admit it, but on the days you started at (bean's new school name), i woke up early just to talk to you, to keep you company on the bus on your first few days. Yea cringey i know, bare with me please. I thought I owed you that, i thought that being friends with you after you ended ‘things’, i had to earn my right so i tried, i really tried to be my best for you, so you felt that maybe it was worth keeping me around. And maybe, maybe i was still in love with you then. But i think you saw talking to me for three days straight at 7am was annoying and you were probably uncomfortable because it was me. I feel like you saw me as a creep - almost like a pedo. But i tried and you gave up on me, and there was a time a couple months later where we were perfectly fine, but then things just went again.

you might think I just had silly little feelings for you. but I didn't. i really had feelings for you. and I don't know if you genuinely didn't see me that way, or you didn't have feelings for me, if you just thought it was a silly little thing we had going on or if you're hiding the fact you did like me at some point. I just know that losing you as a friend really crushed me to pieces. and yes you told people you never want to talk to me or talk about me - which is fine you're entitled to your own rights - but I just wanted to get this off my chest. one last time - I promise.
I don’t know if this will get to you. It probably won’t, theres a bit too much that i wrote in here. Do you care about this still? Definitely not (I’m assuming). It’s embarrassing how much I think about this and how much i regret not letting my feelings out before you removed me as a friend on instagram and discord (or even blocking me on spotify, not sure how spotify was a way for me to get to you but whatever works i guess). This issue has been taking up my mind for the last few years, and it really does suck. But I’m gonna let it out, so im sorry if you got up to here.
Not sure how much this means to you, but you can contact me anytime if you want to let out your feelings (of life, not about this or me), i want to support you as much as i can. I can also help you with coping with school - again i don’t think you’d take me up on that but it’s always an option if you need it. I won’t make it weird, i wont bring this up again, i’ll talk to you like you’re one of my friends.
I haven’t heard much about your feelings in this - feelings of anger, regret, sadness. If you do want to share (you most definitely don’t have to), email me, text me, contact me and we can talk about how you felt too. This email was for me to finally write down what i wanted to let out and finally let go of what happened (even if you think it was miniscule, it wasn’t for me).
Life is hard, and I learnt that through you and the experience of you. So thank you for teaching me this. Thank you for showing me what love felt like, and thank you for being my first love. You made it very hard for other people because i only compared them to what I had with you. But in saying that - I made life long friends who helped me cope. And I hope you found some life long friends as well.
I hope you have a good life (in saying that, i am assuming we will never meet each other ever again - but if we do meet again disregard this).
Thanks for everything (and nothing as well) (while that sounds bitter, its more like a thank you for what you taught me - life lessons and all - but also thanks for the pain i had to feel afterwards, while that pain was not enjoyable, it was what taught me).
kind regards,
toad
to readers: i censored the names for privacy, but i called her bean (as a nickname - it really suited her), and i was known as her 'toad', hence the names.

Hi all!
This is a first time post and I'd really appreciate any insight from others who had post wedding regrets... I'm really struggling with our day and it's so disheartening for me and my husband.
In short: we planned an outdoor, destination wedding but were unlucky enough to have rain the entire weekend. The rain spun me out so much and triggered so much anxiety that I didn't interact and greet my guests like I wanted to. I am left feeling like I have disappointed everyone and they regret even making the effort to come to our wedding.
Does anyone have any advice or words on how they dealt with a similar experience?
Full story:
The Background: We are expats; I'm Irish, he is from the UK and we met in The Netherlands. We both decided to have our wedding abroad because we didn't feel it was right to choose one location over the other so we opted for the beautiful Portugal. About a year before the wedding, he was offered a job in Sweden so we relocated 6 months before our wedding date (another big undertaking).
Destination weddings always cause some rumblings but in our case, there wasn't really a location to choose that would keep everyone happy so we wanted to make it a little city break so people could really get something extra from the weekend.
The week of the wedding: Well, if you hadn't guessed already: it poured with rain the days before and after our planned outdoor wedding. (The sun did come out by Monday so anyone staying longer did get to experience some sunshine but most people only stayed Friday - Monday morning).... We had to opt for a Plan B and convert to indoors... but I was so spun out by the rain and the guilt of disappointed guests that I really wasn't fully present to greet them the days before. I went into total panic mode. The guilt was so overwhelming that I found it very awkward to talk to a lot of my guests. Of course, I tried to put on a brave face and I hugged them and thanked them for coming...
We had a meetup the night before the wedding. This was supposed to be outdoors in a square with lots of bars but we switched to the hotel. In a panic move, I put 1000EUR behind the bar as a gesture for the guests.
The Wedding Day: On the actual day, I was still a bit shell-shocked and couldn't really enjoy the morning getting ready. My poor bridesmaids didn't know what to do and the whole getting ready experience was a pretty silent affair.
Thankfully, I came around a few hours before the ceremony and realized I had to accept it for what it is. My partner during all this was keeping everything jolly and light and making jokes about the weather.
Walking down the aisle was actually really fun and I loved seeing him there waiting for me. We had a short, informal ceremony given by a friend of my husbands.
After the ceremony, we started with a receiving line but we were ushered to a different location by the venue coordinator and unfortunately, the receiving line kind of fell apart at that stage.
While I have vague memories of hugging people, I really don't remember if I got everybody.
Then the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I started to do table visits but didn't get very far and then I just remember my husband telling me that he had gotten me a plate of food and that I should sit down and eat...
The rest of the night was spent dancing but not really socializing properly.
We had put on a free bar, BBQ with great food, a band and a DJ.
Families: My husbands family are more introvert and quiet and didn't socialize very well during the wedding. they didn't even congratulate him (there is a complex relationship there)... his mum became upset at the dinner table and started crying and then she left the top table to sit with her friend.
My family are more sociable but my dad is a drinker and he gets quite selfish when he drinks so he upset my mum and me to the point where I told him not to do a speech (he didn't want to anyways so he didn't protest)
The next day: The following day we also invited people to our villa but it lashed rain again and so guests were in separate villas with me running between the two, and again, not really socializing properly.
Now: I am struggling with extreme shame and embarrassment that I threw a terrible wedding and that I was a bad host. I've barely heard anything from guests since and I really would like some advice on how to acknowledge my regret but also maintain some level of positivity with guests.
My poor husband is so gutted that I feel this way about our special day and I want to be able to accept the regrets and move on but I am stuck in a loop.
Does anyone have any similar experience hear and can offer some advice?
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Haiku :

Little kitten on The warm tuna grass Cicada ; the dreamlike state

Hello, if you decide to read my story, thank you for doing so. ❤️ I have had a two years where I rarely engaged with honestly kind people outside of my partner. I'd love to meet people who are humane , take up space , are authentic yet kind. I didn't meet one person like this during my entire time in that hell scape. everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was on survival mode there (I know it sounds like an exaggeration, which has been great fodder for my inner self gaslighting critic).
for context, people here are 1) homophobic 2) racist 3) caste-ist 4) don't believe women deserve the same rights as men (and if you mention this, they will attack you like pitbulls, which I learned the hard way) .
I learned to hide 80 percent of my personality, opinions , thoughts etc... I just listened. I grey rocked. I disassociated. what do I even say to people like this? people have gaslit themselves to oblivion. and so have I.
I used to post here on my previous account but deleted it because I moved somewhere where I was scared police would search through my phone so I deleted my old account.
I had such a wild trip of a life, I moved to Scandinavia to be with my ex to get away from my BPD mum, then he ended up having BPD and I had to leave. I went back to my home country in the middle east. It sucked. I hated it.
I popped back to my mothers place as a surprise after being NC for 9 months with her. It was weird. Then I moved out on my own to a city one hour away.
I took a job with very very very volatile people. I mean, the culture in my country encourages a type of narcissistic approach to life. It sucked. People were so inhumane left and right. I'm Neurodivergent and so very sensitive to stimulus and people. It was so bad for my soul. People scapegoated me like my mum did because I triggered them. But they didn't even communicate what is wrong, they just immediately scapegoated me (my boss, colleagues, etc - they said I'm emotionally not intelligent because I refuse to people please, but I'm perfectly respectful, just not for Arabic standards and expectations for a woman like me.)
I stayed for 2 years there. Now Im out and I live with my wonderful partner in the EU. I LOVE human rights 🥵 🥵 🥵 🥵 and TREES! GREENERY! SUNSHINE!
But I feel like I'm starting from ground up to heal from the restraumatization I experienced in my home country. I really did not expect it to turn out so bad. I know it wasn't personal how people treated me ; like an inferior scapegoat who is perceived as "dumb" because I don't fawn or grovel (even though I know that's important in the culture).
Literally people would complain I was rude just because on the phone I didn't sound happy enough? (Small tangent)
Anyway, I was living like a prey animal for two years because I was getting so triggered by people yelling at me or being contemptuous towards me when they felt personally slighted by me or my boundaries, and I didn't have time to regulate. I felt so ashamed of being confident and not anxious, as if it's bad to feel relaxed and bad to be confident cuz it's like a sign of bad work ethic and allegedly only specific types of people deserve to feel confident (usually rich people or white people or the local native population) which was so shallow to me.... But apparently I was the "difficult" one.
I hope I can heal and feel fulfilled again. I lost myself in the middle east. I didn't fit in at all.

In the new update on the EN server, there is a "6-year anniversary" button, that let's you interact with your t-doll that's currently on the main screen.
When you use it when M4 is on the screen, this scene begins:
*Commander's station* On this silent night, a message from an unknown sender arrives quietly in your mailbox.
...Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed starves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-
Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom.
I played all game events until Slowshock, so i know what kinda happened to M4 and i know we are in the final arc of GFL.
I'm asking if someone has some lore theory about this poem or if this is something new.
(I tagged it as Lore&Theory and it's my first time doing a post; so if i did something wrong, let me know and i'll work on it immediately)
(UPDATE-14/05/2024)
Doing the same thing with M16, triggers this scene (that i think it's related to the previous one):
*M16 in a bar at night*
You came all the here just looking for me, Commander?
I would stink out like a sore thumb at the celebration, so I'd best stick to this of quiet places.
You know, i had a dream last night--that's right, Dolls dream too.
In my dream, someone was reciting a poem--the voice was familiar but i couldn't remember who it was--
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and solemn
Than a fading star.
Don't ask me what it means, it just felt nostalgic to me.
I hope such a bleak poem did not ruin your fun on such a joyous evening?
Haha, let's just have a drink. I'm sure we both have things we want to say that can only be conveyed in silent sips.
*scene ends*
I tried the same thing with the rest of the AR team, but nothing happened that made me think it's related to these events.
(UPDATE-14/05/2024)
I found out that there are a lot of references about recent events with other characters (dolls and not); i will not post everyone's scene because i think the post will become too dispersive, but i'll make a list and comunicate which characters have lines related to the lore and post it here.
Here is the list of important characters related to the lore, which you can interact:
Kalina, Angelia, SCAR-H & SCR, Wolfpack squad (AK12,AN98,AK15 and RPK-16), UMP9, Architect & Gager.
I also discovered that different skins of the coalition units trigger different scenes (i tried with Scarecrow and Demonic Abyss Scarecrow).
Thank you for reading this far and good luck with the collab event!

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Hello, I know I need to contact an irl solicitor about this as well but just looking for some general advice first before proceeding. My ex partner and I bought a house together in 2022 and earlier this year they broke up with me.
Now my ex is staying in the house and I left under the agreement that my ex's mum would buy me out of the house, I am now renting and I don't mind not keeping the house as it has bad memories attached now.
However, my ex is now claiming that I will not get any money from the house the house has (apparently) depreciated in value, my ex paid the whole deposit and the house is split 60/40 in favor of my ex, as they paid the deposit.
Is this something that can happen? From what I understand the house should not have depreciated in value as we have had work done in the roof etc but that is another argument entirely
Because I have had to start everything all from scratch I'm not exactly flush with cash at the moment so paying for a solicitor to tell me I get nothing seems like a pointless loss. I'm just wondering if I'm being taken advantage of and if this is something I should fight?
I am in England
Thank you!
*Edit I believe there is a deed of trust for the 40/60 split

Hello you lovely Spuds!
I'm an American expat living in England with my husband and our child (F7). My husband and I have been together for 8 years, our daughter was a happy accident but it took me at least 6 years to see my husband was the one I should not have kept.
For background: he is an alocholic since day 1, he made me thank him profusely for deciding to stay for the baby because he just wants to live his own life as a bohemian artist, he made us late for our own baby shower because he screamed at me and threw food at me for 2 hours in a parking lot because I bought him some Mcdonalds breakfast due to him being newly wasted at 9am, he proposed to me because his dad was visiting and wanted him to be proud of him - and when he saw his dad was drunk and missed it he got so angry and made us all go home - and then forgot he even proposed, (for the record, I didn't say yes because his friends were pouring beer on us and I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him but he told everyone I said yes and I wasn't capable of standing up for myself at the time). The day of our wedding I wore black and watched a zombie film in the bath haha that's not part of the story just something I'll always remember as symbolic. Of course he was wasted for our family meal reception and kept trying to dry hump his male friend which was weird, but ok. Then ruined seeing Phantom of the Opera for our honeymoon and then admitted to sleeping with his ex when I was newly pregnant (that he repeatedly told me I was crazy for thinking he'd sleep with that 'expletive expletive'). It gets a lot worse for about 3 years while we were in separate countries and waiting on a visa for me as our daughter and I visited a few times for a few months. Lots of binged weekends where he would be gone for days doing various illicit substances and lots of alcohol.
Fast forward to about a year ago and we al live together in England, still having binge days and sometimes things were good and sometimes not so good. the final straw was last March when I had mentioned I might go to a mums-night-out as I didn't feel like I had many friends at the time in England, and he said "I can deal with you being a shit wife but I can't deal with you being a shit mother" because my daughter didn't want me to be gone. Later he told me he only said it to hurt me. The moment he said that to me was the moment everything I was holding onto just died. I'm a massive planner and decided to learn what I actually want out of my life and how to make my own choices and have significantly leveled up since then, I made a 110 page life plan that broke down my life into 13 categories - I was serious about change. I watched "how to talk to narcisstist" videos and stopped allowing him to talk down to me and drive conversations in circles. It was last March when I made this shift and I've just managed to move out last weekend! In that year, he broke my fridge, ruined my bed because he doesn't shower, and shattered my oven glass door because "I made him angry by telling my friends about the situation and making him look bad." He never bought anything because he doesn't work, and the money he does get from his art doesn't go into the family or home. Oh also, I'm his second marriage as he has a case in the states against him for DV but said he only hit her back "in self defence" and he is a wonderful storyteller, clearly. I know, I'm an idiot.
ALL THAT BEING SAID, my visa relies on being married to him and I now have to urgently choose to pay £5k to apply as a parent to my English daughter and will be restarting the whole 5 year visa process which will end in over £10k -or- I could apply for the Domestic Abuse visa which in the long run is waaaaay better for me and my daughter but he would know I did that and would be so angry as he's told me off for "playing the victim" when I reported him to the police and social workers needed to get involved. Since this new year we've had a mostly good relationship as we live completely separate lives and have agreements where our daughter is involved. I feel awful because his parents have helped me so much throughout the visa process and with getting my English license and a car, and until last week I lived in a granny annexe in his mothers back garden with him. I feel like if I apply for DA then its like a slap in the face to his family for everything they've done for me and could potentially isolate myself and my daughter from family in the UK. They know about his character but choose not to acknowledge it and think we just need work things out. I also feel like as it wasn't physical abuse that I am sort of "playing the victim" and shouldn't deserve to apply for it. I don't want to bring my daughter back home to the states as I'm very happy with the safety and quality of life here for her compared to where I'm from, also I'm not even sure if I could as I'd be then taking her away from her dad and english family and friends.
Am I the asshole for wanting to make this massive decision that would then legally label him as an abuser (in the UK) as it would be the most beneficial route for me and my daughter?
Lastly- I am receiving professional support and not relying on internet crowdsourcing support, I'm just so stressed and nervous and there are massive time gaps with the professional support where I 120% overthink these things!!!

Hi folks!
I'm a historian at the University of Bristol (find me using my profile). I'm looking to interview women who used to be sales reps for companies like Avon, Pippa Dee, Tupperware etc. AND/OR worked for themselves in the 1970s/1980s/1990s. Anything from childminders and hairdressers, to small shop owners and beyond. It's for my new book, and a documentary film about women's work in Britain.
If this is you or someone you know (think mums, aunts, grandmas, next door neighbours) get them fill out this form (it just registers their interest - so no pressure): https://forms.office.com/e/rL37RYNb8t
Thanks for the help!

Hi folks!
I'm a historian at the University of Bristol (find me using my profile). I'm looking to interview women who used to be sales reps for companies like Avon, Pippa Dee, Tupperware etc. AND/OR worked for themselves in the 1970s/1980s/1990s. Anything from childminders and hairdressers, to small shop owners and beyond. It's for my new book, and a documentary film about women's work in Britain.
If this is you or someone you know (think mums, aunts, grandmas, next door neighbours) get them fill out this form (it just registers their interest - so no pressure): https://forms.office.com/e/rL37RYNb8t
Thanks for the help!

Context: I had gone on a few dates with Felix (fake name) prior to this one, and they were all really great. And till this point, there nothing negative about him at all. Even though we are in the same uni, we are in different departments and different dorms, so until our date I have never seen/interacted with him. My friend/roommate (Evelyn/fake name) is the one who set me up with him (this will be important later).
On our 4th date, we had gone to watch a play at our local theatre, and we had a great time. We were going to get an uber back to our dorms when I suggested let's get some dessert, so we can end the day on something sweet. So we went to an ice cream shop and were standing in line to order.
In front of us was a couple with their baby, and the dad was holding the baby over his shoulder, so the baby was looking at us. The baby was giggling and waving so I waved back and the couple turned around. We had small talk, and during this Felix was quiet. He didn't talk to them and he looked uncomfortable. I wrapped the convo quickly as I noticed this. I though maybe he doesn't like kids or something. The couple left, we paid for dessert and left. As we were walking to our spot for the uber, I mentioned " the baby was very cute," He muttered a small yes, I didn't care too much for his reaction and was scrolling on my phone while we were waiting for the uber. Our converstion then transpired like this.
Felix: The kid's dad is black while the mum is asian
Me: Huh? I mean yes?
Felix: That's a shame
Me: What do you mean that's a shame?
Felix: Why did she have a kid with a black dude? There are other Asian guys out there yet she goes for black men
Me: I had no words, I was speechless
Felix: Look, you don't get it, I have trauma from this. My ex gf was also stolen by a black guy
Me: What are you going on about? What does your ex gf being "stolen" have anything to do with that lady and her family.
Felix: You don't understand, asian men have to deal with this all the time. All the asian girls like either white guys and black guys.
Me: I was dumfounded hearing this, he was sounding like a red pill podcast You may have had bad experiences in your dating life but that doesn't mean you can be hateful and rude towards random people or generalise an entire group of people because one person was wrong towards you. You are being racist and I don't think I have it in me to deal with this. I think it may be for the best if we don't keep in contact.
I ordered a separate uber and left. I blocked him and left it at that. When I came back to the dorms, I was visibly upset and my friend asked what happened, so I told him. Somebody must have overheard and now our entire dorm knows he's a racist. Evelyn now is angry at me for blocking him and spreading this situation.
I told her what happened and she said well he has trauma so maybe that may have been a response to it. I said you are stupid if you think I'm going to waste my time dealing with a racist, when there are other people I can date. She said he's a good person and that I should give him a second chance. She's trying to rally our other friends to convince me and thankfully they are not putting up with her bs.
But then Felix's friends reached out to me and said he's had a difficult life and that's he doesn't mean what he said, and now people are harassing him for being a racist. I'm now so annoyed at this entire situation.
So AITAH for blocking him?

Hi everyone. A trigger warning as I mention SA. 💕
For those that have read my previous posts, I just wanted to say a huge huge thank you for all of your kind words. This has been a battle I’m trying to fight on my own, but knowing I have the support of a genuine group of people makes that weight easier to carry. I don’t feel so alone now.
For those who are new to my story, I discovered after 7 years of being with my partner that he had a hidden PA that stemmed from early childhood neglect and peers that SA’d him. I knew vaguely about his past, but did not know about the internal trauma that he carried into his adulthood (I’m 24F, partner 22M).
I’d recommend reading my previous post on here for more context, but my partner still feels as his duty that he needs to show his face to his family every now and then. (We live with my parents at the moment). He recently confessed to his mum, the inner turmoil he’s been dealing with as a result of neglectful parenting to which he didn’t really get the whole-hearted response he was expecting, and his mum also invalidated my feelings.
A few weeks ago, he arranged for us to go over to theirs this Saturday for a games evening. But I’ve found myself breaking out in nervous sweat at the thought now. How am I supposed to be able to look at his parents knowing what I know now? Knowing his feelings were never validated and they are a massive reason his PA/SA started? How am I supposed to look at his mum and joke and laugh despite her thinking that all of this upset about my partner’s PA is stupid? That my feelings are stupid?
It’s too soon. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t owe his parents this visit. I’ve told him this. Maybe I’ll just drop him off and come back home. But I don’t want to create drama, and my absence would raise questions. My partner fully understands why I don’t want to go, and I know how much bravery it takes for him to face them, especially with his recent realisations.
But how do I get out of this? Or do I just see it through? What would you do in my situation?
As always, thank you all in advance. 💕

Kia ora everyone, Mum from outside NZ struggling a bit for funds here (despite gainfully employed as a teacher, no surprise), and wondering where I can look for the best selection/quantity/quality of kid’s clothing to outfit my little ones for winter? I am finding shops a bit bare where I am (West Auckland) and can’t bear to buy cheap new items that shrink after one use. Because I’m not from here I may just be unaware of where to look, if that makes sense.
Where I can look for a better source of pre-loved kids things for aged 4 and 7 year old girls? I also have an advocate through a women’s charity due to being a victim of family violence, would my social worker be likely to help me if I ask? I feel so ashamed that we’re struggling this much. Just want to keep my bubbas warm. Thank you so much for any ideas of where to shop used clothing, and so sorry to be in this position!

Hi. I'm turning 40 this year I've had 3 rounds of egg freezing at around 37 and 38? I have 30 frozen eggs. I always really wanted a family as in a partner and 3 kids. I don't have a partner I haven't had a proper Ling term bf for 5 years. I date people but it doesn't last I also am pretty bad at dating in that it stresses me out. I used to model so I'm not unattractive I just have depression and anxiety so I can't really deal with dating apps a lot. My mother passed recently which is devastating. If I can't have kids I have felt all my life there's no point to me being alive.i feel my life's purpose was to be a mother. I feel like my anxiety and depression has always been around that I'm not living the life I wanted and if I can't have kids it makes me extremely depressed. Note I had endo when I was young so felt extremely depressed I'd never get to be a mother.
I have a father and sisters but I don't expect much help from my sister's and my father would help but he's in his 70s and generally I don't particularly like living here. I lived overseas before but I don't know where I'd like to be. I think being near my family might be hurtful because I'd like more support then I would get from my sister's and my father would support me in time and financially but kind of has no emotions he's not emotionally supportive.
I'm also worried about there being no make role model for my kids. The guilt.
Anyway I know a guy who is saying he would be happy to be a donor I'd sign away rights,I've known him a year we tried dating etc but he didn't want marriage etc due to trauma etc. He is in the army and overseas a lot and not the same nationality as me. He's from the US. I'm Australian. So I don't know the logistics of getting his sperm. I know another guy overseas in EU who is a pig but I'm sure I could buy his sperm because he only ever wanted money from me.
But ideally I'd like my kids to have a father who will have a relationship with them. Do video calls say happy birthday. Love them. The us guy would do that. The EU pig would not I don't think.
However I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a mother alone. I really wanted a partner but as I get older the likelihood of 3 kids is getting less and less.
What's it like actually being a mother on your own? Do you sometimes wish for a partner? My friend is a single mum and says basically no one will date her. Also I can't imagine I'd have time to date. When my kids get older and move out wouldn't I be lonely? I feel like I haven't had romantic love for so long.
How long do I wait for this dream of a partner and a family? Am I unrealistic now? Am I not trying hard enough? I guess the positive of having kids alone is I make all the decisions eg if I decide to move. But yeah I'm conflicted yet running out of time.
Any input? Thanks in advance.

So, I am coming to the conclusion my husband is pwBPD, though not diagnosed. I'm not seeking confirmation on that, but it helps me to try to understand his emotions and behaviours. Reading through posts here is helping enormously.
We've been married for 15 years, and he has always had angry outbursts, but they are getting more frequent, being triggered by (from the outside ) seemingly smaller and smaller things, and he then retreats into an angry stonewalling that is now lasting for months at a time.
Currently he is not speaking to me for several weeks, and I think that it is because I fell asleep on the sofa while waiting to help him with some medication (for a separate medical issue). I can't think of anything else that triggered it, there was no fight, I guess he just felt like I didn't care enough about him to stay awake.
I am not allowed in the room with him, he comes home late and slams things. When I have offered to help or offer a cup of tea etc, he pulls his hair and looks at me with such rage. He has held his hand up in my face and screamed that he needs space.
In the past he has only really climbed down from this point when a crisis occurs. E.g. he ended up in icu with high blood pressure, his mum ending up in icu with high blood pressure likewise, or me nearly getting deported because he wouldn't support my visa application. As in a serious crisis. Then once he starts talking again, he expects us all to carry on as if nothing happened.
This is taking its toll on my own mental health, and our daughter and his mother. I don't feel like he is choosing this, but he won't come down or allow anyone to reach out to him.
I am scared, for myself (he's not violent, but the look in his eyes terrifies me), for him (he could easily end up having a heart attack), for our marriage, for our family.
I would hugely appreciate any advice on how to approach things from anyone who finds themselves in that way. Do I just give the space he is asking for, even though this could be months, and surely makes him feel more rejected? Or do I keep trying to approach, bearing in my that even the slightest perceived criticism might result in a deepening or a full blow up. He doesn't read well, and won't read a letter, he is not responding to messages. He is not in a place to accept that he needs professional help. I'm so lost.
There is a lot of background and detail I can add if anyone needs to know, but just some basic top tips would be so helpful.
Thank you.

i’m 19f and i am in a rough patch 😭 !!! if anyone has any advice about my situation please let me know, it would be very appreciated as i am hot out of ideas at this point. 1- bad relationship with my mum. no affection, verbal or physical. she has expressed disappointment with me over many things e.g. looks (piercings and small tattoos i have got legally, with my own earned money and easily removed/ covered). she speaks to me very aggressively and is always wanting an argument no matter what. recently she asked if she could repurpose my bedroom and move my things ( again, i am 19 and i cannot afford to rent in the uk) - and then stopped speaking to me when i said that made me feel a little unwelcome in my own home, and if she really wanted my stuff and me gone then she shouldn’t expect to hear from me again (after many years of other hurtful encounters.) 2- i literally have no friends. whatsoever 😭 for whatever reason, i cannot make friends. i have struggled socially after being bullied in high school, which then isolated me throughout college as collateral. one of my ex closest friends actually turned out to be a predator (he put me and various other girls on p*rn sites without consent) , and my other ex best friend dropped me as soon as university started. we had been best friends since we were 4. 3- i am taking antidepressants as i struggle with my mental health, and i have diagnosed depression and ptsd. i struggle daily with debilitating flashbacks of my physically and verbally abusive ex boyfriend, and the isolation throughout highschool/college
my question is - what would you do if you were me?!?! i am out of ideas of how i can get out of this rough patch and enjoy my life.
here’s some positives: - i have an incredible boyfriend who is loving and supportive - my dad is my best friend (limited contact however as he lives with my mum and has been in and out of hospital) - and i genuinely am friendly and kind 😭 i am open to sorting this out, and i just want to make friends. i love heavy metal, sims, makeup, horror and animals.
please if you can leave me some advice! thank you for reading :))) <3

In short, my mum is retiring next year. She loves going on road trips and to rally’s(?) with her long-term partnebf. They’ve been on a couple smaller trips across the states (including sturgis) and done a few trips in Australia, but that’s it. Previously she’s mentioned wanting to go for a trip in another country, like eastern Europe or Asia, after she retires, but the cost of getting there, let alone shipping one of her bfs motorcycles there (he’s got one in Aus, and one is USA), makes it not feasible.
Long story short, I’d love to organise something where I fly them out and have bikes rented for a once-in-a-lifetime trip. I think she would really like it, and since Ive never been on best of terms with her partner I figure this would help show my appreciation how much he’s looked after mum.
What I know is that she’s mentioned guided tours being a possibility but I don’t know what country to start at. They seem to prefer cruising on highways than anything too off-road if that makes a diffference.
So, is there a ‘holy grail’ of motorcycle tours/rides in Europe or somewhere else unique that you’d recommend? Is it normal/safe to rent a motorbike that you are not used to? If anyone has done something similar I would love to hear people’s opinions. Thanks!
I know nothing about this hobby tbh, so please be patient!

A big Thank You to those who gave advice on my last post, it’s been helpful.
My apologies if the following sounds bad, it’s not, but apologies anyway.
So, I’m still working through things. I was going to post this before but then I thought I’d watch the CPTSD stream first. It was an insightful stream, had a lot of information that was useful. I’m planning to get the guide when I can. Probably rewatch the stream too/
However, some of my trauma is “race” based. And I was wondering if people had some thoughts on it?
About me: I’m mixed race. Part European and part South Asian/Southeast Asian. So half white. I want to stress this because no one else seems to care.

• I’ve had death threats due to my skin from 5 years old.
• Constantly judged for my skin, always picked last in school or treated unfairly.
• Had someone in primary school try to “purify” me, like chasing me around with a something? And saying prayers/mantras.
• 4yo, I was left in the rain because my parents were late to pick me up from daycare. (I don’t blame folks as apparently the daycare was investigated later on)
• People on dating sites ignore me, so it’s not an option for me, with some saying they don’t date Indian looking men (why match then, who knows)
• I was born in Australia. Raised Australian. My folks believed if you move somewhere, you join in the culture, so besides food and my relatives, I guess, I’m Aussie. In that it’s my culture. It’s who I am, generally speaking, culturally white for lack of a better term.
• Even if I explain my background, people only focus on my non European half
• The only saving grace I have is that if people hear me speak, they seem to calm down, almost like they don’t hear an accent so it calms them

The racial trauma is obvious, I guess. People only see the skin color and assume things. I think it maybe why I feel some people avoid me. This has led to some misplaced anger towards Indian people, which I have resolved more or less. I love my mum. Dev Patel is great. Dr K is great. Curry and roti paratha is divine, seriously try roti paratha, like a love child of a pie crust and tortilla.
The cognitive dissonance comes from the fact that people keep telling me to stay in my lane. I see myself as more white. I grew up in Australia, I only know English, surrounded primarily by Caucasian people. I’m mixed race but culturally white Australian. I’m generally attracted to Caucasian women, again because it’s what I was around ground up, and it’s not like I’m attracted to any Caucasian gal. And I find women like Risa Naka or Park ShinHye attractive. Rashida Jones.
It’s not a fetish or that I’m hyping up white people. I’m attracted to what I find similar to me. What’s annoying is people setting me up with people simply because they are Indian. Or my sibling who says I’m being racist, even though their partner is white…. creating further cognitive dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Apparently I can’t be with who I want, but others can.
I hope people can try to understand things. I’m trying to figure out a way to explain it better, but the only example I’ve got is an LGBT example. I think it’s why I understand them. That is, a trans person is born a certain way but doesn’t feel or identify that way, and bigots tell them to stay in their lane. Or a lesbian who keeps being told to date men when they aren’t attracted to them. I’m not LGBT but it’s the best example I can think of, I’m sorry to anyone who is and thinks I’m out of line for comparing.
I don’t know what I’m expecting. I guess it’s partly venting. I’m lonely and stressed and tired. And all I want is someone who is attracted to be attracted to me too. Just one.
I mean there’s probably no real answer for this, other than what my psychologist said “just be the best me I can be, be the best color person that others will meet”. So I guess it’s probably sort of pointless posting this. But I like to get answers from everywhere so I figured I’ll give it a final shot then, ignore the ignorant and do good.

So I’m 10 months postpartum, breastfeeding and 8 weeks pregnant (that’s another story). I’ve been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, low normal iron and low normal b12.
I’m feeling like absolute hell. Short of breath. Tired down to my bones. Seeing spots especially when exercising. Heart palpitations, Puffy face, ankles, a lump that comes and goes under my chin. Weight gain that hasn’t budged with work outs, depression and apathy, bloating, loss of appetite to name a few.
I’ve had these symptoms before (never this bad though) and after an iron transfusion felt a lot better so I thought I was probably anaemic again, but after the routine tests for pregnancy the thyroid issue was brought to light.
My results are as such
TSH (mIU/L) (0.40 - 4.00)
2.07 1.41 0.60 3.31 (Most recent) 5.00
FT4 (pmol/L) (10 - 20)
10
Ferratin (30-200)
48
In pregnancy the doctor wants to see levels of TSH between 0.05 - 3.5 mU/L in first trimester, so she’s put me on a 50mg dose of Levothyroxine. She did not test me for any antibodies or T3. However my mum has hypothyroidism so I wouldn’t be suprised if it’s genetic and not postpartum acquired.
I have been halving my dose because I have been feeling extreme drowsiness after taking my tablets in the morning, is this a normal response?
Did any breastfeeding mothers find levo helped their milk supply?
Also does anyone have any vitamin supplements recommendations, when and how to take them. It would be much appreciated.
Thank you

Me (born in the uk) and my husband (born in the us) are wanting to move back to the uk, before having a family. (he also has an American mother that lives in the uk with her British husband). We don’t understand how it’s expected of us to be earning a certain amount of money, before we’re even there ready to work? Can anyone explain to me some exclusions to it all apart from the bulk cash in savings for 6 months? We have somewhere to live, with his mum and lots of job opportunities for both of us, with savings to get us by for a little while. Thank you

And I doubt she'll trust them anyways.
Bit of context: I'm non binary (25yo) and come out to most of my family, no one uses my new name and correct pronouns because it would be a mess with my dad and grandma (and I'm the one that choose not to change things for now) but there are some people that would switch to what I want in a heartbeat if I asked them, and that is enough for me to know I can trust them with my gender, and I feel validated by other things they told me. Other relatives don't understand it and I doubt will ever call me anything different than my birth name, but I understand I can't have everything and that's ok. My mum tho... She's a whole other story. Also, I'm italian, so I hope everything makes sense.
I've been in lists for bloodwork and other exams and psychology assesments (like dysphoria diagnosis) in order to see the endocrinologist and get HRT, my mother knows I'm non binary and I told her and tried to explain to her many times (even once with my therapist, and my therapist agrees with me that it's like talking to a wall). I also told her I'm doing these HRT things and she said she would help in looking for doctors and driving me to the appointments but that I had to come up with the money for the visits myself (oh, nice, thanks mum /s).
One day, late on the evening, she calls me and tells me

I can't take you to get the bloodwork the day after tomorrow, can I cancel it and take it a bit later?

I was pretty exhausted so I said "yeah it's ok", without thinking much about it because I figured those appointments can be max in a week time waiting list, so I was fine with waiting that bit more. The next morning she calls me and had taken it A MONTH AND A WEEK LATER (she choose the date) and I was crushed, but I manged to understand my feeling, and that I wasn't ok with that at all, only in the evening. I texted her asking to move it sooner or I'd do it myself, that it was too much time and I just can't wait anymore (I was being kinda dramatic bc there are still months before other assessments, but it felt like my life depended on it). She was like

ok but don't take it soon you'll have to move it again and pay again It's not like you're paying for it anyways

Then she kept insisting to postpone and similar stuff so I asked her

do you even want to help me? Might be just my feeling, but it feels like you're always putting yourself in my way even when you're saying the contrary

She got defensive and started saying her usual stuff like that I'm not grateful and I'm so bad at keeping the house clean and she doesn't even make me feel bad about the fact that I don't work or study (this is a lie, she does) and so I asked her

Ok, so can I ask you something easy to do to show me you want to help? Can you call me by my chosen name and pronouns when we're alone?

She didn't answer and kept going on with other arguments, I reiterated but she kept avoiding the question, she instead said that

Whoever you are. If you're looking for yourself. I don't call you in any way, person.

Don't mind how weird it sounds, she speaks weird in italian too, but that "if you're looking for yourself" and the fact that she'd rather call me "person" than my chosen name was horrible, it made me understand - coupled with other stuff she said before about me "being sick and needing the right medical path" - that she's just waiting for the doctors to see if I'm sick and stop me from getting HRT... When I first talked to her about HRT she was talking about the fact that I'm fat, about a surgery I had that could stop me from it, about the fact that she has a genetic disease that might stop me from it etc... And it could have been read as worry before, as being cautious and wanting to check all the possibilities so I don't have sad surprises after I start HRT... But it never was that, not even a bit, it was just a way to control my visits and send me to the path of failure (in her eyes, ofc psychologists would know better than not giving me HRT).
It was awful, that "if you're looking for yourself" was totally unexpected to me because I never had doubts since I told my therapist and that was months ago, and I was questioning for around 3 years already, and I never make a choice without thinking and I never wagered about wanting HRT a being non binary with my mother, so it's all her own mind that made this shit up. I'm tired.
This happened a while ago but I'm still very angry at her, I'm reaching a place where I know I won't be able to forgive her and it makes me actually feel better, at least I'll feel less guilty when I'll go little to no contact.
This is a rant about other stuff that I feel it's related but not specific about gender: I'm pretty sure about the thing that she doesn't believe I'm non binary because she didn't believe I was depressed either, just like she doesn't believe I am probably autistic (my psychologist also agrees with me) and doesn't listen to me when I tell her that I'm still in depression/autistic burnout and it's fucking hard to wake up in the morning, so how the fuck could I keep a job? Luckily my country has public healthcare, it's like €20/36 every visit - even if long waiting lists- so I can probably manage with some tutoring I do to some kids (plus, luckily my aunt understans me and would pay for it). But mother is very pushy to me about the fact that I need a job, even when I told her that in order to heal from autistic burnout I literally have to NOT have responsibilities and take them back slowly or I get overwhelmed and relapse right away (I know ot, I tried). And as responsibility I mean even dumb shit like brushing my teeth, I swear to god I'd never curse anyone to feel as hopeless as I do and as useless, but she can't understand me and doesn't believe me, it's like I'm a kid all over again and whatever I say had the same importance as a riffle of wind, unremarkable and unimportant.
TLDR: My mum is an asshole and thinks I'm mentally ill and that's why I want HRT. I actually am mentally ill (depression and autistic burnout) but that's BECAUSE I haven't been formally diagnosed all my life (CPTSD, dysphoria and probably both autism and ADHD). Plus, she doesn't want to pay for my HRT visits, and that would be like € 100/180 btw.

Which town / municipality is better for learning accents . Which is the most standard? I am half Swedish and know a little Swedish but my mum came from the south. When I came to Stockholm from Canada. I think they have a stranger accent haha!
Is this something you guys have noticed? Of course all places have different accents . But which do you feel is the best for picking up the language! Any help would be amazing! Also any schools where I can learn more Swedish. I am good now.. but want to be fluent .
Jag är bara nyfiken . vilken stad tycker svenskarna är den bästa svenska som talas..
Thanks guys 💕