Easter poem for friends

So the last few years have been rough.
*note* if you're a "cheaters will always be cheaters type" tldr is don't bother reading or commenting
BACKSTORY 2019-2023 child nearly annual broken bones, lots of stress and specialist visits.
2018-2024 my wife got her associates as a medical assistant and is almost done with her bachelor's and final quarter internship while working full time and that has been hard for me. The lack of time for me and my son has really made an impact.
2019 I was injured at work and 2020 had my first surgery to try and preserve an ankle joint. That surgery ended up failing and while recovering I ended up mangling 2 fingertips in a wood jointer. 2020 I had to make the transition to a sahd on workers comp and have been since then. My lifestyle of hiking and fishing was upended because I could barely be on my feet 3 hours a day and uneven ground killed me not to mention the whole covid thing was pretty isolating.
All of 2021 was supporting her being a surrogate for a couple in City X (their egg/sperm). So, lots of trips checks and giving her injections. It was kind of proving myself to her because I was terrified when our son was born in 2017 and didn't help as much as I should have. Especially the first 3 months. Really, I didn't find out until later. We had conversations and fights at the time and id step up to do more and she would agree and tell me it was all okay. Then another fight saying I wasn't doing enough/anything and asking more and me being upset and confused. I guess at the time she was afraid to ask more, or tell me what she wanted, or her feelings, and the postpartum depression and initial feelings of abandonment didn't help.
Anyways the surrogacy went okay. I was there and supportive. Rubbing her feet and back. taking on extra load when she was tired etc. And hey I didn't pass out at delivery this time XD The end was a bit hard with 2 inductions needed and a massive 9.5lb baby and a stuck shoulder.
Then a few weeks after birth in November 2021 the nightmare began.
Out of nowhere she started hemorrhaging. She had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and scans showed a mass. Turned out the surrogate baby's placenta had some cells turn cancerous and attach to her uterus (Choriocarcinoma). 3 months later and the first 3 agent chemo failed, and her numbers were skyrocketing because it turned treatment resistant. They had to hit it with 5 types of chemo (EMACO) leaving future fertility a coin toss but more than a hysterectomy. By May 2022 the tumor marker was gone, but it was 6 months of intense monitoring and 6 months of monthly monitoring. The whole time she was in an intense spiraling depression questioning life. The meaning of all it, and how all her childhood trauma was fair. That no god would let a child live that. And questioning every decision in her life and wondering what things could have been like if she went a different direction. Feeling like she missed out on opportunities early in life. If this might be all there is (we have been together since she was 17). She said she felt like reality wasn't real and this was make believe at times.
Summer 2022 she made a new mom friend. She was pretty toxic and selfish. She used my wife for personal benefit and to go places. Yelled at her kids and treated the oldest from a prior marriage as less than (girl doesn't know her dad and when she mentioned she was part Mexican she freaked out and denied it because of how conservative and anti Mexican her new dad and his family is). Like never offered a dime, but expected food, gas, tickets, and gifts. She drove my wife nuts with that behavior. but she was desperate for a friend and loved her kids. Her friend would just talk shit about her partner pretty constantly and say my wife should be unhappy in her relationship too. Shit talking husbands behind their backs became like a mutual thing and I def hated it
Sometime 2023 she jumped into fantasy romance and fantasy smut /erotica. This progressed to an AI chat smut generator.
May 2023 monitoring was over and she was officially cancer free and had been on a health/mental health quest..
The mental health part started early in the year and she was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety alone as well as her long list of childhood trauma. Off hand her therapist told her a few times she didn't know maybe just divorce me or something. I was super uncomfortable with this as it was completely outside her practicing scope and I didn't feel she should be providing relationship guidance, especially without me or the rest of the story. I felt a bit attacked and didn't even get the chance to give my perspective or account and felt that is pretty important after being here for a decade. A lot of negative points get omitted by her.
Summer 2023 she had some tough diagnosis for other chronic issues. Narcolepsy Dissociative Identity disorder Depression And a sleep disorder
I initially rejected this as I didn't want to accept these chronic and incurable conditions and insisted it has to be something else, that she's okay. It was taken as rejection of her.
Fall 2023 she reached out to a childhood ex bf a few states away and started an emotional affair. They kept in infrequent contact over the years and nothing ever came of it before. He has been unable to move past her or have meaningful relationships in 13 years. At first he pushed her away and rejected it, but after a month by Nov it was a thing. Texting saying I shouldn't worried because they dated before, but he ended up coming out as gay, calls in private, staying later after work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt but got burned. I found out in December the second time she wanted a private call in the car, and I checked her phone.
We started marriage counseling in Jan and I started my own therapy search as well as a condition of hers. She agreed to no longer contact the boy showed me the sent message ending it and blocked him. By Feb I found him listed in her phone as Saraa and found deleted texts and calls. In therapy she wanted to keep him as a friend and only friend and I tried this. She asked if a PO box would be okay for a birthday present, and I said no. That it crossed a line. It was also super close to Valentine's day. Next therapy I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling physically ill when she used her phone, and we went through Jan again break off block etc.
In Feb the therapist recommended a separate space for conflict as we work on things. That too much conflict triggered her dissociative identity disorder. It was either a hotel as needed or a rv/camper. My wife was set on a camper and the only way to get a newer one was to add my credit/income to hers for a loan and I was uncomfortable on a $20k purchase. She assured me the intent of the camper was working on us and not separating/divorcing. She brought up me not having chores completely done all the time and I poured myself into it if that was making her unhappy over the years.
During this time in March I found out she got the secret PO box and had yet again resumed texting entirely deleting her logs. She had valentines gifts. birthday gifts, long distance electronic bracelets, and had an easter basket coming. Everything was put together into a box to be gotten rid of. That effort I had for chores and making everything spotless kind of died. Like there was that recognition that that obviously wasn't the problem. We lived completely separately for a few weeks until she could make a choice. We split our son and had almost zero interaction. Eventually she chose and I saw a notebook she used once in December. Basically she has started outlining a story envisioning herself as the lead character in once of her romantic fantasies and cast me and the other man as competing love interests
April and early may there was nothing. We did therapy and tackled our issues slowly. Together. Our future plans: college vs baby and the ticking clock of fertility and ifs after chemo. Etc
Last week she was going out for lilac picking and didn't text me for 2 hours and said she was at the beach. Later she showed me something in her email and I saw discord emails about a pw change and login. One bad gut feeling later and the next morning I see she deleted the discord emails and check our phone plan and her phone and see missing texts. I put in a phone record request for recent texts and text/call logs. She woke up and I said it did it and she said I was disgusting. Then admitted I was right.
She says after breaking it off she was worried he would hurt himself and just wanted to be sure he was okay and admitted to 3 texts and the discord call which i verified. Said that he was in therapy for his issues. She said she didn't want to bring it up to me because I would make it a fight and she thought she could just get away with a few texts to make sure. That she felt responsible for how much he had been hurt too.
So I did what I do with extreme anxiety and checked her work bag. I found an old journal they shared Jan to mid-march. Kind of confirmed again what was going on. Also revealed she lied to me about the trailer, or him? She couldn't get it without me and told him it was to work on separating from me easier. Yeah I kept pics in case this goes downhill because yeah, I'll gun for EVERYTHING. I'm sure that being tricked into signing a $20k contract under false pretenses for her personal benefit, secret po boxes, lying to our therapist repeatedly, secret texts, expecting gifts from the other man, career over spending time with family and a serious personality disorder on top of narcolepsy making a job hard to keep down wont do her favors at divorce/custody hearings.
So its all fresh for me again. I already have extreme anxiety and the autism doesn't help with reading/understanding people the best, although my gut intuition and pattern recognition are catching stuff fine.
WHERE I THINK I AM
Looking back, I can see that the personality disorder and narcolepsy are apparent. Dream delusion and memory issues from the narcolepsy make separating dream from reality hard as well as just recalling what happened. So whether not the "not feeling like reality is real" was a dream delusion or a full-blown dissociative episode... I can also see that messaging him was a "new" personality state. Maybe it's a manifestation of the trauma of nearly dying from cancer, maybe it's a fragment of her young identity that was created to survive her traumatic childhood resurfacing after nearly dying. But her interests and perspective massively shifted at that time and there was a clear separation between her with me and her with him. It was like this regression back to 15. Like she was molding an identity to fit his desires and interests. She took up tarot and witchy books, different music, painting, rockhounding (my interest), dried bouquets, dyed her hair and got multiple piercings. Even getting caught there was that click in her whole demeanor.
I can see how her friend may have jaded her towards me by all the shit she talked about HER husband. I can see that throwing herself into fantasy smut to cope flooded her with portrayals of unrealistic romance. That she progressed that by using an AI smut bot to hold those conversations with. Then she directly tried to process her own reality through the lens of those novels in that journal.
This "relationship" was "I love you, we can be together in 10 years". He wasn't going to leave his cushy job. Or his state. He didn't want to be a stepdad. He didn't want to support her career or have any involvement in it. She couldn't leave my state. Never saw illicit photos. No discussion of sex. It was like exactly what you think some lovestruck preteens would come up with. Like just a fantasy. No talk of bills or finances. Of moving. Of any substantial tangible entanglement.
Somehow that's easier to handle
I love her and don't want to leave her. But i desperately think she needs serious help and have told her I want her to do therapy 2x a month (on top of marriage therapy 2x).
I also think if a secret or deleted text happens again, I've got to take off the kid gloves and fight for it all. Cause well showing up at the dude's door would end in prison.
I'm sure this happening right as I fully got over last time and took a trust leap of faith on a "gay" friend that burned me will make it harder. I get the last few years have been garbage luck and I get almost dying can have profound affects though. She had been utterly loyal for 5 years (believe me I checked as we agreed to ie open book). Tying to see this with an open mind.
I get my exact expectations are muddy and part of this is just putting it into words to process for me, but I value if someone has any good input

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Seeking Submissions for Poetry Chapbook Prize
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The winner of The Headlight Review’s 2024 Poetry Chapbook Prize Contest will receive publication (a perfectly bound book with a full color or black/white cover), an award of $500, and 25 copies of the book. A list of finalists will be announced sixty days after the close of submissions. All manuscripts will be judged blindly. The finalists who make it through the first round will be judged by esteemed poet Valerie A. Smith.
2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction
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The 2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction will be awarded to an outstanding, unpublished collection of short stories. Reading Fee: $30. Award: $1,000 cash advance, publication, and 53 copies. To Enter: Submit online with Submittable or by mail from September 1–December 31, 2023. Press 53 short fiction editor Claire V. Foxx will serve as the only judge. Winner and finalists announced by May 1, 2024; advance review copies sent to major reviewers and outlets; publication in May 2025.
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After Happy Hour Contest (Theme: Animals)
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For this year’s contest, we want submitters to go wild—or domesticated, or sentient, or whatever other form of beastly you’re feeling. Submissions should feature some kind of animal that is integral to the story. Note that this doesn’t need to be a real animal—it could be a cryptid, a hybrid, or a human-to-animal transformation. Each $10 contest entry covers 1 short story, creative nonfiction piece, or suite, or up to 3 individual poems or flash prose pieces. Winners receive publication and a cash prize determined as a percentage of total entry fees (full details are on our website).
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I-70 Review announces the Bill Hickok Humor Award for a poem. The winner receives $1,000, and the poem will appear in I-70 Review 2024. Submit one to three poems with a $15 entry fee to i70review@gmail.com. Reading period: Jan 1 to Feb 28. No submissions before January 1. Submissions will be eligible for publication in I-70 Review. The judge is Alice Friman.
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Interim Poetics: The Test Site Poetry Prize Deadline: December 15, 2023
Interim will choose two winning books for the series—one title publicized as the winner of The Test Site Poetry Series and the other as the Betsy Joiner Flanagan Award in Poetry. Both winners will receive a $1,000 award and their books will be published by the University of Nevada Press. Submit by December 15, 2023. www.interimpoetics.org/test-site-poetry-series
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Driftwood Press is happy to share a plethora of submission opportunities for writers and artists! Our In-House Short Fiction & Poem Contests, in which every work submitted is considered for publication as winner or runner-up, is ending soon! For our yearly print anthology, we are looking for poems, short stories, comics, and visual art that will wow our readers with innovative language and strong craft. We are a paying market, and our published writers also get to take part in bespoke interviews about their work! Driftwood is also on the hunt for amazing book-length titles to grow our catalogue, so if you have a novella, poetry collection, comic collection, or graphic novel manuscript, we would love to read it! Visit us here for our Submittable page, and we encourage you to follow us on social media (@driftwoodpress) to learn about even more submission opportunities!
The Twin Bill’s Second Annual Baseball Lit Contest
Deadline: December 30, 2023
The Twin Bill, a baseball literary journal, is open for submissions for their annual contest for best baseball fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. The winner in each category will receive $100 and an engraved baseball trophy. The runners-up will receive $50 and will be published in our January 31 issue. Each piece will be professionally illustrated. Contest submissions are $10 and will be considered for both the contest and the Opening Day issue. thetwinbill.com/submissions/

I have progressively been getting more uncomfortable with the idea of asking malachim for anything as Rambam clearly states we should not direct our prayers to anything but HaShem. Problem is shalom aleichem, specifically the third line(barchuni) does just that. I love the poem and the special atmosphere it creates for Friday night kiddush. I thought that by just omitting the word "barchuni" the problem was solved but was told by a friend that it's an all or nothing situation. Either sing the whole thing or not sing it at all. What do you guys think?

I have been thinking a lot about how connected I feel to all the survivors here and all those still trapped. We share these unique experiences that others can't fathom. This bond of pain lingers joining us all through time and space. It's somewhat strange having such a strong connection to those I have never met. I've been trying to process that feeling and it came out in this poem tonight. I'm am grateful this place exists for us to gather. Let this be a light in our cave. Stay strong everyone:
A Midnight Poem to Friends Unknown
Cast away by those who bore us Tortured souls who've seen great horrors Keepers of the liminal space Forever changed, not quite erased Selves that flow through the fingers Sights and sounds forever linger Somewhat here and somewhat there Pressing forward with a care Groping our way through the dark Trying not to fall apart Thinking of the other lost Mourning for the heavy cost We will make our way outside Dauntless spirits who survived Know that you are not alone All my treatment friends unknown

For context, I was at a small special education school at the time. In 2020, I (20M at the time) had a crush on this woman (20F at the time) who I'll be calling E. In December, we finally admitted we liked each other and decided we decided to make it "official." As someone who had never had a gf at the time, this seemed normal. I didn't know how dating worked and my diagnosed social anxiety makes it especially difficult. I was so happy to have someone who liked me. It turned out that she was a manipulative pos.
After around two weeks, I texted "hey babe." A few messages later, what stated as an innocent "hi" resulted in "I can't do this anymore" and that she was only with me to make up for her lack of self-love and so on. After I asked if she was breaking up and she said "I'm sorry." Then she blocked me.
A month later, she apologized and tried to be my friend again. Unlike previously, decided to take time to think instead of jumping crawling back to her. A week later, she starts to show her true colors. She gets another bf that she never shut up about for MONTHS, and was clearly trying to get to me.
For additional context, I've also been writing poems since late 2020. Mostly as a coping mechanism, but I wrote a total of 102 by the end of 2021. The second was about her and trying to empathize. Starting during early 2021, the school let me show one of my poems.
Flash forward to December, one year after the relationship started. I was showing my poems on Fridays and the first Friday so happened to be exactly one year after our "relationship" started. She bursts into homeroom announcing that she just broke up with her bf.
Enter revenge. On that day, 13 E poems later, I showed a poem about her to EVERYONE. The title was her name, but I changed it to "Daisy" and changed every place her name was in it. It was one of the few poem of her that showed any level of empathy. My friend read it out. Before he did, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it. I said yes, despite the fact that I was extremely anxious which was causing my hands to shake so badly that couldn't type.I tried to stall for a moment because E was getting her meds.
Eventually, I couldn't stall anymore and my friend read it. E came into the room when my friend was partway through. She sat down and immediately glanced at me. I was planning to wink when she inevitably looked at me by my social anxiety stopped me. After she looked away, her hand shot up. After my friend finished reading, E asked "who's Daisy?" My eyes were locked on the table in front of me as I simply replied "classified."
A couple weeks later, I show the poem that I wrote to empathize with her. This resulted in her throwing a temper tantrum, a common occurrence. She didn't directly say that the poem upset her, but it was pretty obvious.
I had planned to show a month later that was more harsh. It was a duet called "I'm Sorry" where I paraphrased things she said to me for the first hal and had an aggressive rebuttal from. It was still read, but unfortunately classes changed that week and so she never saw that one. I wish she was the had because her reaction would've been priceless.
Since I failed to place the final nail in the coffin, this wasn't the most pro revenge, but it was so close so I thought I'd share.

I guess this could also be delayed grief. I have no idea what I’m even trying to say in this, I just can’t imagine speaking these thoughts to anyone in my life right now because I just can’t stand the way people look at me or speak to me or go quiet when I talk about him. Today just sucks.
I thought it would be last year that would suck, being ten years without him. And it did, but it sucks as much as it always does. Right now feels particularly hard.
I’m just thinking about how unfair it all is. I was 10 when I lost him, and I’m just thinking about how much I’ve missed out on with him. How much he has missed out on in his kids lives. Which doesn’t feel fair, because he had some shitty fucking things go on for him throughout his life and I think he at least deserved to watch his kids grow up. And it’s not fucking fair for me either. I looked up his obituary impulsively at work, and someone had left a story there about him that I’d never seen or heard. And I can’t imagine how many stories I’m missing out on, or how many things he could’ve guided me through. And I just feel so angry and tired about it all.
I just got my first apartment last year, and my moms boyfriend helped me build the bed and get it up all the stairs. He’s a sweet guy, we aren’t close, and it’s not his fault, but that should’ve been my dad. I don’t want men to do anything for me because it just fucking sucks because that should be my dad helping me, it shouldn’t be some fucking guy it should be him. I should be able to introduce him to all my partners, I want him to walk me down the aisle, I want to hear all his crazy stories, I want to show him stupid Tik toks and let him meet my cat. I wish that he had been there when I dropped out of school, when I went to detox, when I was couch surfing and trying to stay sober. I wish I could’ve gone to him. I wish he could’ve been there when I finally graduated, and when I got my dream job.
I want him to embarrass me in front of my friends, I want to make fun of him for being old, I want to listen to his ridiculously mish mash mixtape that was way too long, I want to show him what music I like. I want to show him all my tattoos, I want him to be disappointed in my new stupid tattoo ideas. I wanted him to be there when I was being a stupid teenager and tell me to stop being an idiot.
I want to scream at every man who tried to father me for daring to try and take his spot when that was his job and that was for him nobody else deserves to take that role from him just because he isn’t here.
I want to go back to when I was little, and we were sitting in his car just us and playing around with the new speech to text and he was reciting the jabberwocky poem, and we couldn’t stop laughing at the nonsense it typed out, and I want to stay in that car forever.
Today sucks. And FUCK cancer.

So my boyfriend (33M) and I (30F) have been together for 3 and a half years. He has a wife (32F) and at the beginning of our relationship we were kitchen table poly, I lived with them, shared a bed and everything with them. Needless to say eventually with their kids getting bigger (and still unaware of our relationship) I felt the need to get my own place, one street over. Prior to my new place my boyfriend’s wife and I kinda of intimately drifted, I love women don’t get me wrong, she was just not really my type. So we kind of had a sister wife relationship soon after. She was my best friend. Since then, I felt like hers and my relationship became a little more complicated, enough to where if were at the house alone I felt uncomfortable and like I was walking on eggshells. She started making a lot of points to where I wasn’t included in an argument between them or decisions that they made. Which I always used to be, so something changed where she built some type of animosity. I got very hurt one night when, a few weeks prior, a football parent came up to us and invited all of us and the kids to a joint birthday party/cookout for him and his son. Weeks go by and I’m letting her know (thinking she’s at work, she works at a steakhouse) I got the stuff she needed for the kids Easter baskets and I’ll drop it off. She told me she was just getting home and getting ready for the party…I’m like what? Completely forgetting when it was thinking they or she would of course remind me. They are all getting ready to go and I said well I was invited too? Like wtf? At first she tried saying she didn’t know I was invited…even though we were all invited at the same time, and then finally tells me she made a decision it would just be the 4 of them and that she didn’t think she was wrong for making that decision. I was pissed and needless to say we haven’t spoken in almost 2 months. I feel like my boyfriend now has to like sneak over to come see me, and I haven’t slept in the sam need with him in months because she won’t let him come spend the night since their kids don’t know and would wonder where he was. And really all I just wanted was an apology and like an understanding of why I was hurt and upset. I felt very isolated and now don’t know how i can go on in this relationship feeling this way. My boyfriend also is not open to me having partners so it’s just me myself 90% of the time and I just don’t know what to do.

Missing text messages on phone after showed Therapist a text I had received from a friend. Therapist handed phone back then asked for again. I thought nothing of it at the time as I did not know. I looked for a poem 2 days afterward, all the texts Therapist sent were gone. I know I did not do this. I sent an email stating as much and I asked why? It feels as if I am viewed as a threat and would try and hurt her. I understand I handed phone over, however they no longer belonged to her. Therapist denied this and we have not discussed in session. It is right there for me. I thought of going to IT place to have them retrieved and time stamp on removal. While therapist has advocated for me and I am currently on a better path I am hurt. I also feel as if lied to. I have no idea where to go, I know I want to run. Any ideas would be helpful.

I’ve been NC for almost 7 years now. Going into this past winter, I submitted some poems that I wrote to an anthology… they wound up getting accepted and this past month the anthology was published! Mostly available for sale online but also for sale in some indie book stores.
This is my first time ever getting poetry published in a real book. I was really scared to share my poetry—I was always “too much” for my family whenever I tried to share things that I actually care about. Being “too much” is something that I often feel really insecure about. But I also felt really proud and excited about the publication.
I wound up telling a lot of friends about this poetry publication news. I wrote an email sharing a link to the publication and how much it meant to me to be published like this. Then I sent the email to some friends BCCed.
Maybe it’s just the sort of email most people don’t think they need to respond to? Very few friends emailed me back or talked to me about it. It’s been several weeks now so I’ve just accepted that most friends aren’t going to bring it up.
The poetry anthology is centered around surviving violence, so maybe that is another layer that makes friends feel awkward about it.
Whatever is going on, I’m sharing this here because it’s really triggered my old insecurities of being “too much” or “too annoying” for people... and a moment that I was really proud of has now become further evidence that I shouldn’t try to publish my poetry.

First, a bit of backstop. I 18M have been with my girlfriend 18F for 4 and a bit months now. Back over Easter, me, her and a few friends went out pubbing. I gave my gf a one time free pass to experiment with girls (long story short, a friend slightly resents her bf for not letting her, and didn't want that to happen to me), and the conditions are: tell me before it happens, or IMMEDIATELY after, but she said that she doesn't want to use it. Anyway, we were very, very drunk. When me, her and a friend (19F) got back to my gf's place, I was trying to sort my gf out. She was blackout drunk. She then had a go st me for some annoying stuff I did (minor) and so I thought I'd give her some space and left to go home. Turns out, that night something happened between my gf and the friend. Initially my gf thought she was taken advantage of, but after talking to the friend they were both blackout drunk. It took my gf 2 weeks to tell me, which if it was a free pass use thingy, violates the conditions. But considering she didn't want to use the free pass thingy, then was she taken advantage of? They were on equal levels of drunkenness and the only details we know are: gf had a go at me, I left, gf remembered a "snapshot" of it happening, that's all. It hurt that it took my gf so long to tell me, and part of me feels she cheated, and now it also feels the blame for what happened is targetless, as the friend was also drunk. What do you guys think?

I asked T to read a text I had received from a friend. T gave phone back, asked to see it again. I handed it back. Later when I looked for a poem I had wrote all her text to me were gone. I did not do this. I sent an email and stated such and was T afraid I would do something with them? I met again and I could not stop thinking about. I know I did not delete and unsure what to do.

Me M/21 and her F/21 met lately last year in December after I had finally gotten a job I've wanted within my college at the school gym. I had seen her around quote a bit before and thought she was very kind and pretty but I didn't know her and hadn't found the confidence in myself to talk to her. After getting this position, I found myself around her more, talking to her more and eventually we both knew we had an interest in each other. I asked her for her number and if she wanted to hangout (go on a date) and she was all about it. We went on a date, had a great time and the next morning I was hit with a "I think it's better that we just stay friends." While I was ok with this and was ready to move on, I get a text from her a month later just saying "hey, how was your day?" At first I didn't think anything of it but as time went on I could tell she liked talking to me a lot. This went on for another month and so I asked if she wanted to hangout sometime again, and she was down to do so. Something flipped within a 24 hour period where she was dodging hanging out and didn't seem interested anymore. Eventually she stopped talking to me and then found out she had started seeing another guy. I was really confused, and annoyed and just felt stabbed in the back, even if that wasn't really the case. I figured she just liked me for attention, so from then on I just focused on myself, work, school and friends. Eventually (a few months later) I found out she wasn't even dating this guy at all and that he hadn't treated her well towards the end. Me being me, I told myself that I really didn't want to regret not trying with this girl one last time and putting everything I had left into it, because I knew if I didn't then I would kick myself over it. So I tried again, we talked a bunch, hungout a few times and eventually I ask her out on a real date. Right after I asked her I could tell she wasn't interested in a date and kind of regretted it. I was then told by a homie (boyfriend of her bestfriend) that he overheard her say that she likes that I'm persistent but isn't interested. Later on the next day (Easter) I get a text saying "Can I ask why you are so persistent on things between us?" And I responded with "I truly value you as a person and I see something with us, and when I truly value a person I have a hard time letting them go. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable, that's the last thing I want to do." I get no text the rest of the night and in the morning when I see her at work, she doesn't mention it whatsoever. It had been bugging me so I brought it up and low and behold she says the same thing as before. "I tried dating and it's just not something I wanna do right now." I hear that and I'm ready to be her friend but she gives me this hot and cold approach and i never know what to do. Now I think about her all the time and that maybe there's a chance in the future when I shouldn't be thinking this at all. I wanna move on but can't, I wanna be able to date and see other people but I feel like I'm making myself unavailable in case she comes back. It's unhealthy, especially with a girl I never dated, but since I work with her I gotta see her everyday and as I get to know her more, I realize how much we have in common (politics, music taste, points of view, interests) but I can't share any of it with her and it's eating me alive.
I guess I mainly want help on how to deal with it? If anyone has some advice or similar experiences I'd love to hear them. Thank you for reading

Not really sure why I'm asking Reddit cos I don't usually get any replies, but whatever, I can at least vent to myself if not.
I (23M) started dating a girl (19F) in April of 2023. We had a really close connection at work, and I was in a failing relationship that I was scared of leaving due to having nowhere to live. I managed to sort things out and left the girl I was with (and unhappy for the last 6 months due to financial abuse) and stayed with family. She was perfect, I mean I could go on, but basically I saw her as my soul mate. I never said that in any of my other relationships, and so it held a lot of meaning to me.
She eventually went to uni about 120 miles from me, which is quite far for the UK I suppose. It made it hard to see her. That was in September. The distance killed us, and she broke up with me in October briefly, and then got back with her about a week later. We talked through a lot of stuff, and stayed with her until about mid January 2024. I ended up saying some bad things, but she also wouldn't sympathise with me anymore, so she broke up with me again. I had a pretty rough time, but I tried to force myself to get over it by talking to other people to get my mind off of it. I didn't sleep with anyone but I loved the attention, because I was missing that.
I realised around March that I had left my spare key at her parents place, and I knew she would be down for Easter. So I contacted her and said would I be able to pick them up. She agreed, but only if she could speak to me briefly.
So I picked her up and we talked about a lot of stuff, how the relationship failed and what we should have done to make it work. And weirdly, she apologised for everything, however still pretty much blamed it on me. She agreed to me that we should talk again, after I kissed her and confessed I still loved her, and that if it worked through the 7 weeks she would have at uni away, that we could become official again, as she did also love me still. She was down for 4 weeks before she went away again, and I wanted to try as hard as I can.
As her income is awful being a uni student, I paid for all the dates, and I took her out as much as I could between work and a couple of days out and a holiday I had that month. My logic was that if I spend as much money as I possibly could, she would be happy. Which thinking back on it, is a stupid idea, but hey, if it didn't work, then my life still felt like it was over anyway. We had an amazing time, however the arguments we used to have daily were still happening. When it was good, it was really good, but when it was bad, it was really bad.
She wouldn't take blame for anything, always stated I was a victim in every situation. I never raised my voice once at her, I wanted to talk things through and she would rather leave it and forget about it than for me to try and fix the issue so it wouldn't happen again. Just before she went back to uni, which was about a week or 2 ago, we had a big argument. I ended up having a panic attack for about 30 mins and was told to leave the room to calm down, whilst still having a panic attack. By the time I got back into the room, she had fallen asleep. I tried to talk to her, but she kept shouting and shouting, and when she shouts, I get all quiet.
Anyways, I knew it would end from there, and I just felt so shit. I spent £500 in one month on her, and I did spend money on myself for once when I was on holiday. So I ran my bank account completely dry trying to salvage it. She rang me and kept shouting, saying it wouldn't work, but that she loves me, and also would refuse to break up with me because she didn't want to see me hurt. I think in the end, she manipulated me into breaking up with her, which I did. We broke up saying I love you to each other. A part of me knew that when we started speaking again, that it would never work, that I was clinging onto some sort of dream. And that's why maybe what happened following that break up happened.
I ended up talking to a friend of mine, who had also gone through a break up, and we ended up hooking up for a night. I had NEVER done this before, like hookups are completely new to me, and I mean, it was okay. It felt strange cos I had no interest in wanting to date her, and not trying to be rude about it, but I dropped my standards completely with her just to have some sort of affection. I'm now on dating apps just trying to crave attention and affection (which is going horribly) because I'm terrified of being alone. I haven't been single in about 3 years or so, and I can't really function without people around. I get waves of extreme happiness, followed by extreme depression. The happiness is when I'm around people, and the depression is when I'm alone, such as right now.
I'm really confused on what I'm doing. I just feel empty. Or broken. Or lost. I have no idea what to do with myself. Part of me wants to just stop living, and the other part of me wants to move on from everything. I feel guilty when I talk to other people, and I know it's obviously very soon to move on from a relationship, well, a week. But I don't think I ever will, I think I'm just trying to force my way to doing that so I can forget about her quicker. I'm glad that I met her because I wouldn't be where I am today without her and she helped mould my career path, but I wish I never did because it would be so much easier.
If someone understands whatever I'm going on about, I'd appreciate it. I'm just lost, I don't really hang with my friends a lot as they are all working usually, and I have nobody to talk to about it.

Just what the title said. The first poem is the winning poem, the second is mine. The winning entry just feels so elementary to me? Even aside from the comparison to my own, it feels sloppy. All of my writer friends agreed, but I would appreciate an honest opinion. Tyia!!
The winning poem:
how can you regret something you miss?
i walked through the red door the air felt nice there in the early fall
it wasn't cold enough for the heaters yet
so they left the red door open and we all enjoyed the breeze
in that moment it felt like bliss
but i knew that would soon dissipate
every time i walked through that door, disaster struck hurricanes, tornadoes, wars, mass murder
but i was addicted to the rush of it all
sitting in that booth, shaking waiting for something to strike
not knowing when to expect it,
or even what it might be
how can you regret something you miss?
if i had never walked hrough that red door none of this mess would have happened
we wouldnt be standing here today
with aches in our bones and scars on our souls
is it my fault- no, not just me
we all played a part in this cataclysm
we all set foot through that glorous red door
not to sound as though i blame it,
the door didnt hurt us, we did
we all poked and prodded bit and bruised how can you regret something you miss?
i wish i could go back to the time of adams and eves, witches and thives,
planting bliss,
every unexpected kiss,
i long for it,
but how can you regret something you miss?
we didn't know what we were doing
the memories through the whirlpool screaming "we were just kids"
how could we have known better?
some of us, maybe
there are things we don't speak of anymore
the things we dont just regret, but banish from our minds
to protect ourselves from everlasting suffering
but if none of this had ever taken place
we likely wouldn't have avoided catastrophe altogether,
just these particular ones
maybe were better for it,
hope they can all be better
especially the most demonic of them
i hope we all made it mean something
My Poem:
//
The Love Goes In and Out
//
the soul doesn’t falter
so tell me which of us is the liar?
which of us is the seer?
which of us is the chosen one?
is it you, or me?
//
there are too many
complicated conversations we shouldn’t be having
and yet we are still here
still with locked eyes
still engineered towards the setting sun you can’t eat the bread
and drink the wine at the same time
you can’t consume everything you love and try
to make something of the bones afterward;
that is not your job
it never will be
and yet your table is full of pigeons
trying to bridge the gap
you can’t consecrate the things you love
and expect the same results
you can’t expect anything
this is war, this is the opposition of reason
therefore one day the sun will burn out
and everything you love will die
no one tells you this
and yet it still grazes your skin every day all the same
//
so tell me
whose paintbrush was it again,
whose strokes are you looking at?
god’s paintbrush, whose sun was it again
your sun, my sun, little sun, big sun
this world is so hot
it keeps getting hotter every day
and yet everything keeps being reborn
and we are still here, all the same
is it you, or me?
(sorry for formatting errors, a // indicates a paragraph break in my poems because I cannot for the life of me get it to actually line break)
comment
comment

Whatever just what the title says, I feel like the winning poem is so elementary. All my writer friends agree with me, am I ridiculous for being butthurt about this? Looking for genuine honest feedback, tyia
(The winning poem)
how can you regret something you miss? i walked through the red door the air felt nice there in the early fall it wasn't cold enough for the heaters yet so they left the red door open and we all enjoyed the breeze in that moment it felt like bliss but i knew that would soon dissipate every time i walked through that door, disaster struck hurricanes, tornadoes, wars, mass murder but i was addicted to the rush of it all sitting in that booth, shaking waiting for something to strike not knowing when to expect it, or even what it might be how can you regret something you miss? if i had never walked hrough that red door none of this mess would have happened we wouldnt be standing here today with aches in our bones and scars on our souls is it my fault- no, not just me we all played a part in this cataclysm we all set foot through that glorous red door not to sound as though i blame it, the door didnt hurt us, we did we all poked and prodded bit and bruised how can you regret something you miss? i wish i could go back to the time of adams and eves, witches and thives, planting bliss, every unexpected kiss, i long for it, but how can you regret something you miss? we didn't know what we were doing the memories through the whirlpool screaming "we were just kids" how could we have known better? some of us, maybe there are things we don't speak of anymore the things we dont just regret, but banish from our minds to protect ourselves from everlasting suffering but if none of this had ever taken place we likely wouldn't have avoided catastrophe altogether, just these particular ones maybe were better for it, hope they can all be better especially the most demonic of them i hope we all made it mean something
(My poem)
The Love Goes In and Out
the soul doesn’t falter so tell me which of us is the liar? which of us is the seer? which of us is the chosen one? is it you, or me?
there are too many complicated conversations we shouldn’t be having and yet we are still here still with locked eyes still engineered towards the setting sun you can’t eat the bread and drink the wine at the same time you can’t consume everything you love and try to make something of the bones afterward; that is not your job
it never will be and yet your table is full of pigeons trying to bridge the gap you can’t consecrate the things you love and expect the same results you can’t expect anything this is war, this is the opposition of reason
therefore one day the sun will burn out and everything you love will die no one tells you this and yet it still grazes your skin every day all the same
so tell me whose paintbrush was it again, whose strokes are you looking at? god’s paintbrush, whose sun was it again your sun, my sun, little sun, big sun this world is so hot it keeps getting hotter every day and yet everything keeps being reborn and we are still here, all the same is it you, or me?

Whatever just what the title says, I feel like the winning poem is so elementary. All my writer friends agree with me, am I ridiculous for being butthurt about this? Looking for genuine honest feedback, tyia
(The winning poem)
how can you regret something you miss? i walked through the red door the air felt nice there in the early fall it wasn't cold enough for the heaters yet so they left the red door open and we all enjoyed the breeze in that moment it felt like bliss but i knew that would soon dissipate every time i walked through that door, disaster struck hurricanes, tornadoes, wars, mass murder but i was addicted to the rush of it all sitting in that booth, shaking waiting for something to strike not knowing when to expect it, or even what it might be how can you regret something you miss? if i had never walked hrough that red door none of this mess would have happened we wouldnt be standing here today with aches in our bones and scars on our souls is it my fault- no, not just me we all played a part in this cataclysm we all set foot through that glorous red door not to sound as though i blame it, the door didnt hurt us, we did we all poked and prodded bit and bruised how can you regret something you miss? i wish i could go back to the time of adams and eves, witches and thives, planting bliss, every unexpected kiss, i long for it, but how can you regret something you miss? we didn't know what we were doing the memories through the whirlpool screaming "we were just kids" how could we have known better? some of us, maybe there are things we don't speak of anymore the things we dont just regret, but banish from our minds to protect ourselves from everlasting suffering but if none of this had ever taken place we likely wouldn't have avoided catastrophe altogether, just these particular ones maybe were better for it, hope they can all be better especially the most demonic of them i hope we all made it mean something
(My poem)
The Love Goes In and Out
the soul doesn’t falter so tell me which of us is the liar? which of us is the seer? which of us is the chosen one? is it you, or me?
there are too many complicated conversations we shouldn’t be having and yet we are still here still with locked eyes still engineered towards the setting sun you can’t eat the bread and drink the wine at the same time you can’t consume everything you love and try to make something of the bones afterward; that is not your job
it never will be and yet your table is full of pigeons trying to bridge the gap you can’t consecrate the things you love and expect the same results you can’t expect anything this is war, this is the opposition of reason
therefore one day the sun will burn out and everything you love will die no one tells you this and yet it still grazes your skin every day all the same
so tell me whose paintbrush was it again, whose strokes are you looking at? god’s paintbrush, whose sun was it again your sun, my sun, little sun, big sun this world is so hot it keeps getting hotter every day and yet everything keeps being reborn and we are still here, all the same is it you, or me?

TLDR uBPD Mum wrote her twin daughters a birthday poem but sent it twelve days late, full of innacuracies and with a request to visit one of them. The request is for a fictional exhibition in a specific date range. She forwarded her original message to the other twin without to editing out the visit request or making an attempt to cover the fact it was written for the first twin and sent to the other as an after thought.
Context A birthday poem sent to me an hour after it was sent to my twin sister. It was also 12 days after our actual birthday, neither of us heard from uBPD mum on the day (I've asked her not to contact me but she thinks that my sister & I are 1 entity so even though my sister is still in contact with her, mum treats her like she is not). My sister (Twin1) trained in fine art in the city she now works in. She is not currently making art so has no idea what exhibition uBPD mum refers to in the poem. I have marked lies/inaccuracies with an * I've asterisked the line about being a proud mum and gran because if she was so proud, why does she make no mention of wanting to see her 2 grand sons on this trip to the city to see my sister at her exhibition? She hasn't seen her grandsons in at least a year despite visiting near by their city in our small country twice last year. She didn't even tell my sister she was in the area until my sister phoned to wish uBPD mum happy birthday on her birthday February this year.
Poem
Twin1 and Twin2 38 today * That's just not possible no way Where has the time gone Times flies sadly that's so true Doesn't seem that long ago when Myself and Twin2 went to the zoo.
You were and are my sunshine of Hometown on Gala My beautiful twin daughters living in bonnie Hometown Bay A prouder mum I could not be how you both excelled and now you both have your own family You get to experience the love and joy like I had and still have as I reflect on my wonderful family tree When you hurried home excitedly to show all the things you had lovingly made for me
You were always caring and sharing Even at such a young age so helpful too. Remember girls I was on the phone to uBPD Gran When you flushed Twin2 nappy down the loo I was panic stricken and mortified when the neighbour below said it had flooded her too.
I loved my plants* .it was a not easy to maintain with two Mischieves monkeys who tipped them upside down . It was funny but I also did frown Before you knew it we were back to laughing and getting along Happy again and full of song
Love shack was your favourite tune I loved that song too you could sing it to the moon Love shack baby love shack Oh to hear you sing that song would bring It all right back
The time we all got such a fright Twin 1 When you accidentally bumped into a light Well lamp post * Out of the three of us who was startled the most?
You were fine ,you got a war wound scar Was it the left or right side I can't remember I think it was your right eye It was so long ago at the time you were very shy
Twin 2 walked into a gate * I was dumstruck only seconds too late* You got a scar on your eyes too By then I was beside myself and did not know what to do !
Almost in the space of a year You each have a scar by your eye Which side they are on your eye is unclear Now you parents yourself you know what I mean How quickly things can happen Even when your close by to the scene
Bless the wee lady above is in Hometown She used to shout girls you whoo seconds later it was raining milkyways all over you I could only chuckle when I realised I too Along with uBPD dister we went to our neighbour for our daily rations of sweeties too * And to this day I believe my mum never knew.
Remember when you got up early and Oh my you got hold of the butter I think I was in a flutter Butter in the rods of the Wendy house it was everywhere If I recall righghtly it was in your hair.
You used to trick people switching places * Sometimes you did trip up on your laces You tried to fool me but that was not so easy * However tricking your pals and strangers was easy peasy.*
The things you have done this uBPD Mum and gran could not be more proud of you You won a camera for your ambulance picture Twin2 you designed the school logo in highschool too Is there no end to your talents You both excelled and followed your career Which I never regretted not being able to As th minute I knew I was expecting I always prioritised you* and am a proud mum of twins with 5 wonderful grandchildren too*
The trips we went to beech and picnics with aunt The endless pictures are wonderful memories of happy times with you I still have her special multi coloured umbrella Where we often seemed shelter under it too
So many more memories this is some of them I just want to ask you Twin 1 can I come with my friend M or F and see your exhibition* city between 23 rd and 29 th Sept I love seeing all that you can do and have done
Your pictures in the cafe The story about wellies and where they travelled from faraway I believe it was Canada And you made a wellington cast Now it's a focal point for tourists and everyone to see.*
I often look at the screen you both made me made before I moved country All the gifts over the years cards and mementos each one speaks words to me When you gave me the picture and chair for my birthday .
That incredible exhibition in the gallery when you made a clear curtain and even there there is a story
I understand if you say no don't come .I hope and pray one day we will all Be together again surrounded by my family.Until that joyous day comes remember I carry love in my heart for you all eternally❤️

Naturally, I came to know Orwell with 1984, which I read roughly three years ago in a Russian translation. I was at my humble beggining in discovering literature, and the book impressed my chiefly trough its deep theoretical base, the atmosphere of utter lack of hope and ingenious terms such as 'doublethink' - anyway, you probably know what I am talking about
Yet it was only much later that I read his other literary works - namely, those indicated in the title. There, I discovered Orwell as a great analytic of human psychology, an inventive storyteller. Both novels have a bleak atmosphere with a bit of dark humor and somewhat foreshadow themes that would appear in 1984.
In Keep the Aspidistra Flying, Orwell depicts a peculiar intellectual named Gordon Constock, almost thirty and "already moth-eaten." The gist is that he refused his status and prospects of a "good job" in order to avoid being subservient to "the Money God" - that is, he lowers himself on the social scale, living in self-imposed penury, working in a bookshop. Generally, this Gordon would seem like an off-putting person, constantly frustrated, whining and complaining, raving about the 'end of civilization', a little bit sexist, and a great deal pessimist The reader is plunged into his interior monologue and obsessive thoughts, which are captivating to follow. The plot revolves around his fight with the Consumerist system - however, as you might have guessed, he is not a valliant knight in shining armor, but rather a vain nihilist with questionable worldview. This affects the relationship with other characters - his friend Ravelstorm (a self-proclaimed Marxist, who is distracted from thougths about the rough conditiond of the Proletariat by the soft appearance of his mistress), his self-abnegating sister Julia, etc. Also, Gordon tries to write poetry - and one of the poems is gradually 'conceived' throughout the novel, containing his impressions and emotions in a self-piteous, frustrated style - with quite a decent result I'd say. Besides, Orwell realistically describes some unpleasant aspects of London's life through the protagonist's actions: slums, squalor, drunkenness, and prostitution. Per general, a great read!
On the other hand, 'Coming up for air' describes a character who is an organic part of the system - a middle-aged clerk from a London's suburb, on the surface - a typical lower-middle-class and a family man, called George Bowling. The novel is written entirely through his perspective and keeps a rather melancholic tone. The narrator, with a rueful humor, talks a bit about himself, expressing a dissatisfaction with his menial life, yet remaining fatalistic about it. Then he starts an 80-or-so pages description of his pre-WW1 life and memories from a small town - and, frankly, it stirred my interest, being related in a vivid language. His rustic life is placed in contrast with the modern, after-war existence. This leads to nostalgia, and basically, the plot of the novel consists of an attempt to chase this feeling, to make it come true, to revive what has been long forgotten. The novel (published sone month before the WW2) contains a distinct feeling of uncertainty, fear, and anguish about the future, expressed in various instances. The narrator asks himself what would become if the war starts - if the bombers arrive - which, as he thinks, will happen in 1941. But he fears not the destruction itself, but what would come after the pains of war - a new world of rubber truncheons, slogans, suppression, hate. Something that Orwell will describe 11 years later in '1984'.
Overall, I think both books are worth reading. However, you have to expect that the protagonists - Gordon Comstock and George Bowling - might not be quite prepossesing.

This is a long one and I’m sorry! My (24f) boyfriend (29m) and I had been together for almost 5 years. Everything was great up until my spring break the first week of April.(I am a middle school teacher) I mean seriously we were great on Easter Sunday (March 31) and by Monday (April 1) it was completely different. I wake up that morning and call him good morning when he informs me he wouldn’t be able to come over that day due to work stuff. I was fine with that and went on with our conversation but by the end of the conversation he was very short and seemed a bit distant. This was around 8:30 am and I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day. Tuesday morning comes and we are having horrible tornadoes where I live and they hit really hard where he lives (around 20 minutes away).I am texting him at around 9:30 am to check on him with no response. Meanwhile I’m really scared and have nowhere to go for safety due to having no friends or family in the area. I live on the top floor (2) of my apartment building so I go take shelter in the bathtub. I call my mom during all of this because I am quite nervous about it all. I still hear nothing from him all day. I finally had to call him around 4pm just to check on him and he finally answers, let’s me know he is ok, and he seems more normal so we talked a bit and that was the end of the conversation. Wednesday morning I call him to say good morning like always and he acts like he doesn’t want to be on the phone at all. I told him I’d let him go work and that was all I heard from him that day. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday pass and I get no response from him at all. I am overthinking everything and I am a worried mess about everything that is going on. Finally on Sunday I text him to let him know I was praying for him and I loved him. He texts me back “it’s not you. Just not myself rn” I text him back and let him know I support him in whatever is going on and I am here if he wants to talk about it. I get no response. A week goes by and no response even tho I was trying to check on him. (I know you probably think I’m crazy being this patient but I genuinely loved this man) I finally decide I’m going to pop by just to see that he was home and ok. Well, he is outside his house when I drive by. So he walks over to my car. He stands at the passenger window. And proceeds to seem upset that I am there. I apologized to him if I was out of line showing up but told him I needed to make sure he was ok because I was really worried about him. He proceeds to tell me he is just going through a lot mentally at the moment and didn’t feel like himself at the moment. He said he wanted space to try to collect his mind. (Never did he say it in a “I don’t wanna be with you” way) I agreed, told him I’d support him however he needed and I went on my way. Fast forward another 2 weeks with no responses at all. I only texted him a couple times to let him know I was still there for him and to let me know if he needed anything. I am finally at my breaking point because not knowing what is going on with my relationship and having to pretend I am okay every day was hard on me. All of this took a toll on me mentally as well. I finally text him and just kinda ask where we are and what is going on. I was very respectful and was basically asking for clarification to know how to process my own emotions. He proceeds to tell me that I am making everything he is going through about myself and that he was clear about what he wanted. And me showing up to check on him wasn’t okay and that it messed him mental space up more than it already was. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. After this he begins posting about me without saying my name and how he can’t even go through something without people making it about them. So AITA for assuming we aren’t together anymore?

Title was just a suggestion, but I’d love to make long-term friends I can bother for the following months. I’m a huge loner, I could use someone to help get me out of my shell. If you look through my account, you’ll see me vent about anxiety/loneliness. If you become my friend, I promise you I’ll make you feel valued.
Writing is probably my biggest passion, you’ll always find me working on my screenplays and poems. I’m very artistically-minded, I need to create stuff. Other things about me- I love punk/indie rock, playing guitar, and cheesy monster movies. Im also bi, if that matters to anyone. Movies and books mean a lot to me, if you have a recommendation, please send it my way! I’m easygoing and open minded, anyone is welcome to send me a DM- just don’t be weird. Please god don’t be weird.
Anyways, I’ll only respond to messages that have effort behind them, so send me a brief bio if you’re interested in being friends. I won’t respond to a simple “hello”. I’d love to hear from all of you!