Cost of lamictal

UPDATE: After a little chat with my older sister tonight about our family's history, I found out that my mom says she was misdiagnosed and doesn't actually have bipolar 1 (I'm no contact with her so I didn't know about this before talking to the new doc). Isn't a family history of bipolar disorder a huge factor when it comes to getting diagnosed?? I don't want to start the new mood stabilizer if I don't actually have it in the family, but there's no way to know for sure...
Anyone here initially misdiagnosed with ADHD? Anyone diagnosed with both bipolar2 and ADHD?
Was diagnosed ADHD a little over a year ago. My previous psychiatrist's treatment wasn't working to address ADHD symptoms, including depressive episodes, so I decided to get a new psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD treatment. We had our intake appointment, but oddly, out of all the information I provided on the VERY extensive new patient paperwork, she focused more on my mood regulation issues and family history of bipolar disorder (mother is diagnosed bipolar 1).
At the end of the session, and VERY much to my surprise, she suggested that I might actually have bipolar disorder (type 2). She didn't rule out that I could potentially have both ADHD and bipolar2, but she was quite adamant that the depressive episodes + family history + issues with SSRIs could indicate a diagnosis of bipolar2.
I was quite taken aback... I was in no way seeking a new psychiatric diagnosis, and now I'm left unsure about what to believe or how to move forward. The new psych wants to put me on Lamictal/Lamatrogine to see how it helps with the depressive episodes, and then check back in after a couple of weeks. I just went through a terrible trial period with Prozac, so I'm really hesitant to try another new medication.
What should I do? One friend suggested I go through psychological evaluation to make SURE I have bipolar2 before taking Lamictal because she's heard horror stories about it (apparently one of her friend's brain swelled and it left her disabled for months). Then again, I went to this psychiatrist specifically because she specializes in ADHD. So, if she looked at all my history and said "hey I don't think you actually have ADHD, I think you have something else" shouldn't I trust her?
Psychological evals/tests also cost a lot of money and I'm not even sure if my insurance covers them. Is there another way I can find out if I really have bipolar2? I just want to know what's wrong with my stupid brain so I can start working with it, rather than against it...
Any insight is helpful.

My boyfriend (20m) and I (20f) have had our relationship ripped apart completely by his bipolar blackouts. We really thought that medication would help him, and it did somewhat. He was on Abilify and Lamotrigine for some time, and at some point we realized the Abilify was reacting badly so he stopped taking it (with psychiatrists permission.) It seemed like the lamotrigine has helped a lot since then, however, blackouts still happen. And when they do they are worse than before. He puts his hands on me in such an extreme manner, and nothing I do will get him to calm down.
This has tainted every part of my life. The man I love can't stop hitting me and doesn't even remember doing it. It has cost me my independence, my home, and my family's respect. It cost me my job, and several of his as well. What seems to trigger his episodes now is the adjustment of his medication. Everytime they raised the dosage, he went into episodes until he was used to the dosage I guess. They just raised it to 200mg a few days ago and he has been nonstop hurting me, arguing with me, and overall disrespecting all our property. Please, please someone help me figure this out. We have tried so many therapists and psychologists only to be turned away or told that his problems were too complex to fix.
And before anyone starts telling me to just leave, trust me, I tried. That is one of the biggest triggers he seems to have, and he always blacks out when this happens. I can't call the police either, they have never listened, never helped, all that ended up happening is I got arrested when my neighbors and sister called the police on him. My life is crumbling and I am so hopeless.
EDIT: Thank you for your concern everyone. I promise I am safe currently. As for all the questions, yes, he is diagnosed with Bipolar. Yes, his psychiatrist and therapist both do know about all of this, and much more. My family and his family is also very much aware of this. Bipolar blackouts are a real thing. My boyfriend, when he is not in a blackout, is the most caring, nurturing man I've ever met. He's a gentle soul, slow to anger, and has changed his life drastically for the better all just because he wants to be a better man for me. He's also gotten sober off hard drugs and become open to treating his mental illness for me. None of this is malicious, and I know that can be hard to believe because it was for me too. I don't want to create a bigger stigma around this already very life altering illness. But it is my story and his as well. He's currently also tacking severe PTSD at the moment and all I can do is have compassion for him while also keeping my safety in mind. Additionally, after doing extensive research, we found a case very similar to his. A man in his 50s, also on Lamotrigine (Lamictal) and diagnosed with bipolar found himself doing much better when he had just started the medication. He ended up having episodes like these everytime his medication was increased, just like our situation. Eventually when he got to 200mg, he ended up relapsing and some other horrible things. Described it almost like being on meth if my memory serves me correctly, which my boyfriend has been sober from for over a year now. I don't know, we have made the decision to seek out a different medication and whatnot. Any additional advice would be appreciated. Thank you all.

My list is extensive. I made a lot of odd decisions back in my late 20's to mid 30's that I initially thought were just age related. I also thought I was specifically suffering from severe depression, but was improperly diagnosed.
The medication I was prescribed, I've found out since from my psychiatrist (who diagnosed me with Bipolar 2), had an adverse affect on my Bipolar disorder. The depression medication (Effexor) only masked the symptoms. It removed my sense of consequences, empathy, and exasperated m my manic phases to a very dangerous level.
That in turn cost me a couple very good positions at prestigious companies. Decisions ranging from coming in late too often, acting strange and purposely disobeying company policies from dress code to attending mandatory meetings and functions. I'd also just take off work and drive hundreds of miles to another state to meet up with someone I'd just met online. I was heavily drinking at the time as well, and found myself in some legal troubles. It ultimately affected my marriage, which ended up in divorce.
Now, I'm sure not all these events were related to being bipolar, and I do take responsibility for my actions. However, knowing that once I stopped taking Effexor and began properly addressing my bipolar disorder through therapy and proper medication (Lamictal), I'm not making those strange decisions anymore.
I'm sure many have already discussed this here, but I'd love to hear your stories if you feel like sharing.

i've already made a few other posts regarding medicaid, but since i'm approved and new to all this, i have dozens of questions lol
i'm currently prescribed lamictal, wellbutrin, & klonopin. my psych told me once i get approved for medicaid, i get the best of the best prescriptions including name brand. i know klonopin might be a little harder to get but id figure id try. i currently get Teva for those. i get solco for the wellbutrin (garbage imo) & i forget the lamictal. i was wondering if i have to request brand name? or what it look sus for asking
i know it's not 100% guaranteed but i'd really like to try. my current total from all of these for a 3 month supply is little over $70 and i know it doesn't sound that expensive for 3 months, it is for me. i would only pay that price honestly if i could get name brand. obviously i'm on medicaid for a reason but i'm not yet married to my fiancé so we have separate insurances so he helps me out when he can.
i'm looking into Blue Cross Complete- i think this is the name, and a lot of the medications i look up in their formerly glossary says they're "carved out" medications. and it says non preferred brands are available but the generic are usually the prescribed ones since lesser costs. anyways, am i able to request name brand when my psych sends out my script? he's really cool and would honestly probably try his best for me but is there even a chance?
sorry if wording is bad, i'm trying lol! any help or advice would be appreciated in advance , thank u! 😊

To make a long story shorter (and I'll be happy to provide any more contextual details below for anyone interested) I recently transitioned off of Keppra after over ten years of taking it at both high and low doses and started taking Zonisamide. I was extremely nervous about switching medications, especially since I didn't think the dizzy spells I was experiencing were focal seizures, as my neurologist suspected, since I'd had a few bad sinus infections and thought they were more of an inner ear thing.
Anyway, I was super hesitant to switch, and had previously tapered off of Keppra for various reasons (cost, forgetting to fill the prescription, etc) and had a terrible experience. I expected awful headaches, terrible side effects, and prepared myself for the possibility that I'd have a grand mal during the week. I'm a non-traditional student taking 23 credits in undergrad, so I was very nervous about this week.
I can mention the side effects I noticed in the two weeks I was taking Keppra, Lamictal, and Zonisamide together, but now that I'm off Keppra for only four days I feel incredible. It's like a major depressive episode has lifted. I feel SO much better in so many ways, and I don't know if it's all to do with Keppra, but it's amazing to me that I haven't had a seizure, and I don't feel WORSE. I'm so glad I went out of my comfort zone in the middle of a difficult semester and tried a new medication with scary-sounding side effects on the off-chance that it might make me feel better (I didn't feel bad, but I'd never felt particularly great, either).
I've looked online but haven't found much, so I'm curious, has anyone else experience a hugely lifted mood after stopping Keppra, particularly after years of being on the drug? I mean, I've been on it from age 18-29 and it's sad to think that I may have lived all those years being sad (and I was sad, a lot of the time) because of a drug...
(Also, I know people have different responses to Zonisamide, and things may change for me. I definitely had some side effects in the first 3 weeks, but things have calmed down.)

I've been on medication for bipolar disorder for 13 years.
Here's one combo of my meds roughly 12 years ago:
Aripiprazole (Abilify) 5mg: P160 / tablet Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 100mg: P77/tablet
TOTAL: P237/day, P7110/month
Here's approximately what the generics today cost:
Aripiprazole (Abdin) 5mg: P62/ tablet Lamotrigine (Motrigine) 100mg: P41/tablet
TOTAL: P103/day, P3090/month
Still expensive., but a huge improvement!
I get a further discount for my PWD card, but I list the regular prices since not everyone has a card.

Edit to add: I'm in the US, New York State.
Thank the stars I have Medicaid. I get sixty 30mg capsules per month (two doses daily), and when I Iooked at my script on the Walgreens app and saw the cost without insurance I was literally laughing spontaneously with disbelief. You know. That laugh we get when something is so incredulous that laughter is somehow the thing that happens.
It was almost ONE. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.
I've known about the shortage for a very long time, and that it's pretty bad, but I never knew how much worse it was than I thought. Without insurance, I would have to walk away from the pharmacy counter empty handed. That number doesn't even include the cost of my scripts for Lamictal and propranolol. (I haven't even looked at those.)
The cost of the Vyvanse alone is how much I have to pay for rent. I cannot imagine still being stuck in that not-so-sweet spot where I make too much for Medicaid but not nearly enough to buy insurance. There are countless people in that very spot who need prescriptions that literally keep them from DYING.
How is anyone supposed to survive, let alone live a life worth living?
I am consistently shook.
Edit: I'm seeing comments with prices well under $200usd. Is this a New York State thing? (Oh yeah, I probably should have mentioned I live in NYS.)

I'm 20 years old and live with my mom, we all recently got kicked off medicaid since I'm working full time and my sister is working part time. I'm so scared. I'm not sure what this means for me. I've never had to deal with insurance/medicaid stuff on my own and I don't know how to. Can I apply for medicaid on my own?? Do I have to get on my mom's health insurance plan? Is that even an option? I don't know.
I'm in therapy and I find it somewhat helpful. I am also on 50 mg of lamictal which I'm worried I won't be able to afford. I don't know how much it costs since medicaid has always covered my medications. Lamictal makes me depressed but I'm worried something worse will happen if I have to drop it completely.
If anyone has any resources or information please let me know, thank you 🙏

TW: contains a mention of suicide/suicidal thoughts.
background;
i got together with my fiancee in 2009, when we were both in 11th grade in high school. after we graduates, and as soon as i had a job just stable enough, i moved out of my parents' houses (bio parents are divorced, had shared custody, i bounced back and forth to each house as i saw fit) and me and fiancee moved in together--2011. we have lived together ever since.
fiancee is my first and only true relationship. i had a stupid kid thing in elementary school, a short lived fling (no sex, just used for the hopes of it then dropped) in middle school, and a crush on a best friend throughout the rest of school.
my father is a very black and white person--which i believe is owed to undiagnosed autism, though diagnosis would mean and do nothing for him--so i find it difficult to confide in him. i have a good relationship with him, i'll hang out and play games and go diving and so on, but when it comes to any emotional or semi-serious life stuff, i cannot talk to him about it. he just makes it worse.
i've never truly gotten along with my mother. lots of shit that will stay packed, there. so i do not confide anything in her at all, and since she's moved to florida we haven't spoken except on holidays. glad for it.
as far as friends go, i have none left from high school. i was not a social person to begin with, so my friend group was small, and perhaps the two people i considered true close friends parted ways--one went to a different middle school and high school, the other, my crush, disappeared shortly before high school graduation. so friendships i have are online almost exclusively.
i had some very close online friends but they've all wandered off or i've cut them off or they've cut me off. christian was the last vestige of that. now instead of a handful of close friends i have a community of good friends.
i have suffered from severe anxiety my entire life. depression for probably the same length of time, though that's harder to recognize in children. i've been diagnosed with bipolar type 2, borderline personality disorder, general anxiety disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome, to varying degrees at varying times in my life. most recently i am suspected of being autistic, but diagnosis is difficult to obtain for an adult, let alone an adult woman.
i have seen a multitude of therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists over the years. i've been on a multitude of medications. currently i take lexapro and lamictal, and have alprazolam as an 'emergency' med. the two daily pills have worked wonders in the last two years, but i still struggle.
fiancee and i have lived in a total of three different places: an apartment, a townhouse, and now the basement of my father's house.
our first apartment was a two bed one bath that we lived in for six years. the townhouse was a three bed two bath, two story, that we lived in for three or four years. when covid hit, rent skyrocketed and we moved into my dad's basement to help with living costs. we have been here since 2020.
our original agreement to move into dad's house was to keep an eye on the house for him because he worked half a state away at the time. we would have the house to ourselves, pay modest rent and utilities, and take care of lawn, etc. we would only see him on the weekends and only if he decided to come home instead of to his fiancee's place.
my younger sister threw a wrench into that agreement pretty quick; my dad and her mom got divorced, shared custody was a thing, her mother was and is a piece of shit, and my sister manipulated and abused my dad as she desired. little bit of resentment there. anyway, in the span of maybe two years we went from having the house to ourselves to now my sister is living here full time and my dad is here 95% of the time. oh, and sister's bf is constantly over so he might as well be counted as living here.
neither me nor fiancee are very social people. we like our space, our privacy, and our peace. we now get very very very little of that. but we cannot afford to move out for the upcoming reasons.
in 2020, my dad offered me an office job at the factory he manages. better pay than where i was at, get away from the massive stress of where i was at, exchange an hour one-way drive. win-win, right? didn't pan out well. dad is black and white. i have mental health issues. he infected me with covid (unintentionally and unknowingly) and when i called out sick he fired me for missing too many days (previously i would call out for severe anxiety). that was traumatic.
i then spent quite awhile unemployed, depressed, and on the edge of suicidal ideation. with a bit of luck, i got in to a counselor and psychiatrist and they helped bring me back to the work force. it took a year but i finally was able to get a job at the local library in 2022.
lost the job at the local library in 2023 because of anxiety. had the closest call i've ever had with a suicide attempt that april, and the time off i was forced to take caused a bunch of issues that, ultimately, led to me being accused of not doing my job. i had hit a mental limit and walked.
i've been unemployed since.
i think that's all the background needed? if there's more context i'll add it as i go.
so fiancee is going to move in with her mother.
she has been single-handedly supporting us both for two years or more, the situation at her job is getting worse due to issues there, and she has literally no respite at the house because we don't live alone. the stress is absolutely eating her alive. i cannot overstate just how out-of-her-mind stressed she is. which i get. i understand. it makes sense.
but no longer living with me is the answer? apparently so.
since i am unemployed and have no income (i have gov't assistance for food stamps but disability is out of reach until i can get tested for autism, which is $1k out of pocket) we cannot afford to move out of dad's house. she can't even truly afford to move into her mom's house. but something has to give or she's going to drop me like a rock so she can save herself. i don't blame her. i understand. it makes sense.
originally the idea of her moving out was pitched as 'living part time' at her mom's house. that didn't scare me. it made sense when she explained all the stressors and how it would help us both and that it was a last ditch effort and only short term. then she explained she would be taking her dog and cat and that, for whatever reason, made me absolutely panic. it took multiple hours over multiple days to calm me down enough to understand that she was not leaving me, just removing herself from the stressors of dad's house. we weren't breaking up. we would still see each other. so on.
again, multiple days later, i started to come around to the idea. i wanted to help her move her stuff. i was excited to date her again. then she said that she just can't afford it. she doesn't have the money to buy the essentials needed for her to move into her mom's. so that was that. right? right?
the situation at her work escalated at the beginning of this month when she was written up for 'not being happy enough.' i shit you not. she came home and told me to 'leave (her) the fuck alone.' she's never done that before. she was beside herself, pissed. beyond furious. several hours on she was able to gather herself enough to explain that she's at the end of her rope.
she loves me. dearly. she has never and will never want to resent me. but she is starting to do just that because she is so stressed out of her fucking mind by everything. i get that. it makes sense.
so she gave me an ultimatum; thirty days to get a job or she's gone.
she understands the shit i struggle against. she knows it won't be easy. she doesn't want to have to draw a hard line. but she feels she has no other choice. if i can't get a job and show that i am willing to put in the effort to keep the relationship, then she has to move on. i get that. i understand. it makes sense.
i'm afraid, feeling actual raw fear instead of intense anxiety, but i want to help. i want to fight the fight because i love her and i see what i'm putting her through and i want to be better for her.
she, on her own, says she needs to go to therapy. something she has been adamantly against the entire time we've been together. she doesn't believe she needs therapy. it doesn't do anything for her. but she is at such a limit that she is willing to go through it just to try to help everything.
yesterday was her second appointment with her therapist. i try not to ask what she talked about because i know she doesn't want me involved (anyone, really, not just me) unless absolutely necessary. she tells me what she feels comfortable telling me when she feels comfortable telling me, and i do my absolute best not to pry. on the drive from the office, she told me that she had been talking with her therapist about how to help me understand that her going to her mom's does not mean i am losing her.
but wait, my brain cried, i thought she couldn't afford to move in with her mom and that was done and over with?
no. once again, my skewed perception of the world and misunderstanding of simple things made me believe that it was over when it wasn't. she had just been lamenting that it was going to be really difficult financially to move to her mom's, not saying she was done thinking about it forever.
immediate raw fear.
she continued explaining that she has been my only support basically my entire life, and she can understand how her moving out would make me feel like i'm losing it, even though that's not true. her and her therapist were going to brainstorm ways to try to help me understand that. she told me that she had to go to her mom's because i need to learn to live by myself, with myself, and find self worth.
but wait, my brain cried, what about the ultimatum? if i get a job and prove i am willing to do the work for the relationship, why does she still have to go to her mom's? i'll have a job. we'll have enough money to move out of dad's house together. isn't that the ultimate goal anyway?
well, yes, but no.
once again, my skewed understanding and perception of the world led me to believe that if i got a job we could move out of dad's together and things would be okay. that was the choice--no job for no relationship, or job and move out together to make relationship better.
but that wasn't it. isn't it. not at all.
i spent two full hours crying last night. trying desperately to grasp any modicum of understanding of the situation. we talked. i panicked so hard i nearly threw up (new one to me). after those two hours i was numb and reeling and she was pissed off (not at me, her response to almost everything is anger) and we'd gone in circles at least three times trying to help me understand and i just couldn't.
i still don't quite grasp what it is that she wants, or why. to the best of my ability, this is what i understand now:

• she will be going to her mother's house, regardless of: -- whether i get a job within the ultimatum timeframe -- whether i make enough money for us to move in together by the time she can afford to move
  
• she is going to her mom's regardless because i need to: -- learn to live separate from her (physically speaking) -- learn to live by and with myself -- find self value
  
• she needs me to: -- understand that there is no other way for me to learn the above without forcing me to be alone -- understand that she is not abandoning me, just kicking me in the ass
  

here is where i am still stuck:

• i know i can live separate from her. it's just going to really fucking suck and i am going to be very very very upset. -- she countered that she needs to see me do it without being upset so that it is proof to her that i will be okay .
• i know i can live by and with myself. i do it every day. it really fucking sucks. -- she countered with the same.
  
• she said that self value is not one choosing to live for someone else. -- i used an example of a non profit worker finding value in themselves by providing for those who cannot provide for themselves, thus they have value for living for other people. she does not agree that this is self value.
  
• i don't understand what it is that i am being forced to learn by being forced to live alone, that i could not learn over time living with her. -- she said that she can't explain it, it's just that this is the method that has to be used and i have to learn.
  

my brain is a bit scrambled still and recounting this isn't helping.
but i'm just... really fucking lost. i don't understand why i can't live for her? she told me she doesn't want that responsibility. my life is my own responsibility, not hers. she doesn't want to be responsible for me. but that isn't what i mean when i say i want to live for her.
i want to share my everything with her. yes, i can go out and do shit on my own, but doing it with her is where i find the most enjoyment. the most fulfillment. i can tell her about this fish i saw at the aquarium or i can point it out to her because she's standing right next to me. wanting to do things with her is fine, but not for her.
i'm not allowed to have her as my reason to live. but isn't that... isn't that what love is? you don't go into a committed relationship thinking 'i shouldn't get too attached in case they leave or they die.' that's just sad. in a very bad way. i understand that feeling like you want to die if your partner leaves or passes is bad but... i don't understand.
why do i have to be okay being without her? i don't want that. i can't see a future without her. she doesn't want that. she can't see a future without me.
so what am i missing? what is it that my potentially-autistic brain cannot comprehend?
thanks for coming to my ted talk.

I wrote this in an attempt to get it published but mostly I just want to put it out there. I'm thinking people on this sub will hopefully have an appreciation for it. Please share/spread it if you want to.
The streets are crowded and chaotic with pedestrians, bicyclists, mail and garbage trucks, all embracing the opportunity to move about the city now that the ice storm is receding. I sit in my delivery van on the side of the road, smoldering with rage nearly to the point of tears.
A ruminating thought occurs over and over again. Just give me one easy day universe! I was snowed in all week, I’m broke, I’m off my meds, and I wasn’t even hired to do this here! I was supposed to be on a rural route. The cyclical thoughts don’t do me any good but if I was good at stopping the cycle I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I’m annoyed at life pulling a bait and switch. I don’t do well in winter, crowds, traffic, or when trying to find somewhere to park. The sense of being trapped because I need the income becomes almost too much to bear. My flight instinct is telling me to take the van back to the warehouse and just quit, but I know that my family needs the money. I have to override the stress response, something I’ve been accustomed to since long before I understood my illness.
Closing my eyes I take slow deep breaths just like I’ve practiced so many times before. I inhale through my nose slowly and exhale through my mouth. After a few moments I’ve regained some composure and I get out of the van to have a cigarette. I know that I shouldn’t be smoking them, but unlike the psych meds the tobacco was available for purchase.
In fairness I had really tried to get my mood stabilizer, a simple 50 milligram daily dose of lamictal that had made all the difference for the last few years. I’d sent in the request for a refill and called the doctors office. Multiple times even. I could see the frustration on the face of the pharmacist when for the third time I checked and the doctor's office had still not responded to the request in the four days since it had been sent.
I went so far as to contact a former nurse practitioner to ask if she might be able to write the prescription but I was quickly informed that I owed her money from appointments my prior insurance hadn’t covered.
Mood stabilizers do what the name implies, and sudden withdrawals can range from uncomfortable to outright deadly depending on the situation. I knew from prior experience that my first two days without it had already been the worst, but that I was still in for a white knuckle January.
Withdrawal from lamictal was the most awful feeling of my life. It consisted of an intense and utter despair that remained for more than a week. A prior prescription snafu and hold up had resulted in me quitting a job in a crowded brewery when my mood started to spiral out of control during a shift.
“I’m not going to take my mood stabilizer any more, or any psych meds for that matter.” My wife nodded her head in understanding. Her lack of reaction said it all. If anyone understood how important the meds were to my day to day it was her.
For years I would rise each morning, tired, sore, filled with hopelessness, and methodically push myself to the medicine cabinet, popping pills into my mouth one at a time before swallowing them all with a giant gulp of water, and then waiting desperately for their effects to take hold.
“I get it.” Was all she said. She’d witnessed first hand the bureaucratic battle I’d been waging to try and maintain my medications while no longer being able to afford health insurance.
I carried on spilling out my inner thoughts. “I need it, my mood is everywhere, but I can’t face these withdrawals again. I just can’t do it. The anxiety over whether or not the prescription will be refilled on time, or at all, is just too much. It outweighs any benefit I get from the meds at this point.”
That was three weeks ago. Today, in the van on the side of the road it all comes back. The overwhelming day has pushed me to that point of despair, of wanting to flee, of simmering anger at being expected to survive like this. I wish I could at least go home.
I’d previously been on private long term disability but it was canceled after two years because the condition isn’t physical. Similarly I’d been denied social security. With no assistance coming and a family to support I re entered the workforce hoping I’d have enough refills on medicines to get me through until my new insurance activated. Had the company not closed the location a mere two months into my employment I would have made it. I quickly found another job, but the clock started over.
If this is the fight that I go through as someone who wants to take his cheap and “available in generic” medications then I cannot imagine the struggle for those who don’t even want to take them.
I’m fortunate that I’m able to hold it together, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come at a cost. In the past the anger became self directed and manifested in an addiction to self harm. The thought crosses my mind again this afternoon but I shove it aside.
While the doctors have let me down I’ve at least been paying attention in therapy. I know what I’m up against now. I know that the worst of it will pass and that for me, I just have to keep moving. I’m lucky in that this job doesn’t require me to socially interact with anyone while in such a state.
A few hours later I’ll pull into my driveway, the twelve hours of chaos and frustration behind me, but another day already looming on the horizon. I’ll spend several minutes sobbing before I go inside to try and avoid exposing my family to my mood.
For the remainder of my evening I’ll see flashes of busy streets and crowds and face fits of despair and rage. I’ll hold it inside as much as possible but I won’t be very successful. I’ve held in too much already and my limits are bursting.
Mental illness doesn’t cooperate with making a living, or paying bills. It doesn’t care what your family needs or whether you're just trying to survive the work week. What help there is always comes at a cost. Which leads one to wonder, is there really any help at all?
It’s an isolating battle, made worse by the judgment and stigmas attached. It’s not something I can discuss with my employer and it’s not something that people find pleasant to talk about or easy to understand.
In order to survive my safest bet is to suffer in lonely silence, but I’m tired of suffering, tired of loneliness, and tired of the silence. We hear people say that we need talk about mental illness, but we’re way past that, it’s time to actually do something about it.

Hello. I've started Lamictal in Fall 2022, slowly increased the dose up to 200 mg in December 2023, and since then I've seen another psychiatrist that really recommended I lower or altogether stop Lamictal if I feel like it's not doing anything for me, to which I've agreed because it really did feel like even at that big dose Lamictal didn't help enough, and the monetary, mental and physical cost (my hair falling, my acne maybe getting worse and my memory and concentration were at their lowest) weren't worth it. So, I lowered it slowly, I've gotten to 75mg but I was so emotional and moody that I've started yelling at everyone and everything, and I just felt weird. Since then I've gotten up to 100 again by my psychiatrist's advice, and the thing is: While I lowered my dose, I started feeling so much better, the way I see it is Lamictal stabilized me to the extent that my moog was regulated, but if my brain was in a depressive episode, that episode was gonna last WHOLE MONTHS, as to when I was unmedicated one lasted 2 weeks max. ~ I can sense 3 changes since lowering, and I don't know if I think increasing the dose to 150mg is worth it or not: 1. My mood is more volatile, but the lows don't last an eternity, the highs are not as scary, but I miss the whole months of stability I had on higher doses of Lamictal. 2. My falling asleep routine is the same but I have a really hard time actually FALLING ASLEEP 3. My anxiety is kind of getting worse and worse, I don't feel in control of it anymore, as I used to be. ~ The question is, does ANYONE have any similar experience with weighting the pros and cons of Lamictal, and did anyone choose to stop Lamictal and seek other medications?

Symptom wise, Symptom strength wise. What music/songs you listen to. How bad your sleep is or how much damage you see yourself causing.
Looking back there have been several points in my life that I should have gone to the hospital. But my psych providers at those times were absolutely on the ball and got me to come down.
I'm starting out in a manic episode and i'm tempted to go to inpatient care if it gets bad enough.
I moved states and have only had telehealth providers so far and they let me down.
The last one almost cost me my job because she dropped the ball for nearly 2 months. I had to titrate one of my meds on my own so I could claw myself out of a months long depression episode.
My current one better be better. I can't lose my job for several reasons.
I'm at a stage where I can mask a lot of my symptoms. Plus the early manic symptoms actually work for my job.
However, I don't like to hear voices and I like being able to sleep.
Looking back at those previous times I can note those cliffs.
But if it gets bad enough I'm gonna check myself in. If anything to access an actual psychiatrist instead of nurse practioners. My meds are complicated and I have a lot of med restrictions.
I'm just curious what your cliffs are and what you decided to do.
edit: my psych doc raised my Lamictal and within a few days things started getting better and I'm feeling much better.

My neighbor and friend needs help. He is unable to self advocate due to the inabiity to correctly articulate his problems, and his doctor of two years isn't listening or asking the right questions.
Age- 51
Sex- Male
5'8" 220 - 250lbs (I don't know but its all in his stomach)
BiPolar (I haven't ever seen him manic, but he is definitely depressed) and most likely some other problems but hasn't been diagnosed.
Drinks beer daily (purchases a case about twice to three times a week through Walmart Delivery) Smokes weed daily but only about an oz every 5 - 7 days or so (I have to drive him to the weed shop). He rarely appears inebriated.
HIS DOCTOR IS AWARE OF HIS DRINKING AND DRUG USE
Meds Prescribed: ALL GENERIC when available
divalproex sodium - 500mg TD
Prinivil (lisinopril) 20mg OD
quetiapine 400mg TD
trazodone 500mg TD
venlafaxine 75mg OD
Since knowing him he has been prone to violent outbursts when something goes wrong (I can hear him yell very loudly (Yelling at the top of his voice "GOD DAMMIT" or "FUCK!" and then I can hear him hit something or slam a door from two doors down, as well as his hiting various appliances or his compter when upset). He has never been physically violent towards me though. However he is very quick to anger. It's either hes sedated and confused or having a violent outburst but it's a very rare day when he's clear headed.
Within the past year he has been getting a lot of large bruises that he canot explain where he got them. One day I came over and he had a gash on his forhead and major bruising on his arms and legs but no idea how it happened. He has bruising on multiple areas all the time now.
He tells me in an offhand way that he must be falling down but that he doesn't remember. They are the kind of bruises that are very VERY large like 3-5" diameter. With around 3 - 6 at a time.
One night he had a gash on his forhead just below the hairline that was not actively bleeding but it wasn't bandanged. He didn't even mention and I didn't see it right away. He offhanded said that he had cut himself but he didn't know how it happened. He didn't know where he got it.
Oh and he had gout last year.
Because I live next door to him, I can confirm that he is not drinking more than beer, and he isn't driving, and he has no access to drugs beyond the little bit of weed he takes. He also says that the weed helps him keep up his appetite or keeps from vomiting. He says that he is thowing up his morning doses even if he eats, but that he often doesn't take his full dosing because he feels too sleepy after taking them.
He is often unable to understand conversations. He THINKS he understands but it's like he doesn't get what I am saying and thinks I am saying something else - Sometimes it's like he hears a totally different question or comment I made because he answers it in a way that only vaguely resembles an answer appropriate. It's hard to explain but it's not word salad. The best I can say is when this happens I ask him "What the hell has that got to do with what I just said?" Not quite non-sequiters but it's more like he heard some of the things and thought I said or meant something else.
There are times when he comes to watch tv with me but ends up needing to go home because hes so sedated. He has stumbled and almost passed out. I have had nights where i am begging to take him to the ER because of the mystery bruising and his stumbling, incoherance, and weakness. He just says that he'll be better in the morning and I should just let him sleep.
He is absolutely not medically compliant because he often throws up after taking his morning medications due to nausea, he compains that he isn't sleeping well that he wakes up fully around 3 or three in the morning, but he takes his evening meds at night. He has been skipping doeses or taking the, unregularly due to the side effects, or forgetting or intentional skipping or lowering the doses.
There have been nights that I have seen him go to bed and I would be worried he wouldn't wake up. He insists that if he thought he needed to go to the hopspital that he would tell me, but short of my admitting him under 5150 I can't do anything. He doesn't have skitzophrenia (sorry about the spelling)/. I feel he would benefit from some inpatient time to get him stabilized and to check on his dosing and the effects to figure out what is wrong.
I personally have a DX of Bi-Polar Disorder and take brand name only Seroquel 25mg night, Lamictal 200mg night, Buspirone 15mg TD and generic Metoprpolol 50 OD, however i am fully medically compliant, sober and basically symtom free.
I have been helping him to get his doctor (the same one I have - he is in the same HMO and the same plan and we share the same doctors) to prescribe him brand names but until today I wasn't aware of how high his doses were. Seriously - 1000mg Depakote (generic) 300 Trazodone, 800mg Seroquel PLUS the rest!
I am worried for him. Is this a brand name vs. generic problem (he's taking generic), is this a drug interaction problem or is this a drug dosing problem? Is this a non-compiance problem? What is the first step he can take to become compliant when he's going through all of this?
His inability to articulate his side effects, what he goes through, to his doctor, and his doctor's inability to really ask questions is killing me. I am scheduled at the appintment either before or after him since we come together. When I tried to talk to her about it she refused to discuss anything with me, but when she talks to him it's like everything he was supposed to say ends up not being said and she rushes through the session.
Mysterious and large bruising on arms and legs along with random gashes and cuts from falling but not knowing (or admitting) to falling,frequent stumbling, confusion, throwing up after taking morning doses, not being able to sleep, violent outbursts, sedated behavior, and a stomach that is very large, round and hard. Pain in his legs at night.
I am already attempting to get him on brand names since he responded very well to a 200mg Seroquel brand name (I had a lot of 100mg left over when I went to 25mg).
What can I do? Is it necessary for me to call the hospital or have him go into care? He has Medicare/Medical HMO and the cost of inpatient treatment is not a concern. He is just not getting the care he needs because he is not being asked the right questions, and if he says he's having trouble sleeping or something they just increase his doses.
Sorry for the long rant. I just saw his med doses and checked the interactions on Drugs dot com. and am totally pissed because this is just wrong.
EDIT: SPelling

I started at a new job and was complaining about the cost of one of my medications to the girl working at the front desk. (over share much?) She said her meds are so expensive too and then we bonded over that. She asked me what med it was. I told her it was vraylar and she told me that's the one she was talking about too! We complained about it for a bit and then she told me she takes lamictal too. ME TOO. She told me she has bipolar disorder. ME TOO. She asked me which kind and she said she has bipolar 2. TWINS. We also both have ADHD and take propanolol for anxiety.
I made a new friend who understands me <3

i need advice on work as its one of the hardest things about bipolar 2. im so fed up with being like this and at this point im really letting my family down. im 21 and on 100mg of lamictal. i started in july after my life kinda fell apart and i finally got diagnosed with having adhd and bpd 2. it explained a lot and i thought identifying it would help so i was happy with the diagnosis, but it feels more like a curse the longer the months go on. i felt hope in the beggining that identifying it would be a path to fixing it, but now it just feels like ive been dealt this awful hand that ill never be able to fully do anything about. anyways though, one of the biggest issues ive had is work. ive had 3 jobs since i was 17 and they go pretty much the same way every time. im happy and content for a few weeks, then i start to really decline and end up having more days out of work than in work. then eventually after about a year of work i end up getting too physically sick to work, take mental health accomadation days, then quit. towards the end or on some days like today, my body tries to almost make itself sick. ill feel nausea and wanna throw up from nerves or ill get light headed. im always extremely tired and it feels like my body makes itself more tired as it keeps working instead of waking up. it happened at my first job, my second job, and its started rearing its ugly head at my current job. i really hate what im doing for work and the circumstances for how i got here really dont help. im working with my dad only part time because i just cant stomach full time with the way i am, but even part time drives me insane. im writing this right now as i am sitting in the meeting room alone after finally my mood swing hit so bad i felt like i had to get my dad involved before i became manic. its hard because ik my mother and father are great and really try their best to understand, but theyre getting fed up, and tbh if i was in their shoes id be fed up too. its just so hard tho, and now that ik what it is it feels even harder because when i get like this, i feel like im making excuses since thats what ive been told all my life and it just makes me feel even worse. i tend to get imposter syndrome about my bpd a lot and feel like im not mentally ill enough to be acting this way and gaslight myself into thinking im making excuses, and that just makes it worse. ive started to realize even the part of me that overthinks the illness is part of it all and a lot of it is what ive been told throughout the years from people who didnt know or understand what i was going through. bpd2 and adhd is such a bad combo and it really hurts to keep letting people down, but i felt like 1 more hour and i was gonna explode and end up either crying like a baby, screaming at a coworker, or just outright quitting. i feel i did the right thing telling someone, but theres really no winning. do the wrong thing and have a mood swing that costs me my job or dignity, or tell someone before its too late and then just feel awful about myself and everyone im letting down. i need a change in this lifestyle NOW and as ive seen on this reddit page, a lot of people have the exact same issue as me. it really is a double edged sword cuz on one hand, seeing all these posts and knowing i havent been the only one all these years is comforting in a way, but it sucks because i havent seen much good advice on what to do in this situation, but more just rants like mine. so i figured, even though this is a big rant, i wanna try to turn it into something constructive for myself and others. for anybody who has struggled with bpd2 and/or adhd and is currently a working member of society, how do you do it? what are the best jobs for people with this illness? are there any coping mechanisms youve found to make it through the days at work? i cant keep living like this and i need some sort of support. after so much has happened in my life over the past few months, im low on support and i just need any ideas for skills to pursue or jobs that are healthy for people like me. thank you sm for reading if youve gotten this far

. I have had bipolar depression for over 25 years it took me 10 years in the beginning to get on the right medications. In 2012 I reentered working society.
October 2022 I am now treatment resistant. Been on eight medications in a year trintellix right now. Just started it four days ago.
I have big problems with Christmas from past so my anxiety is very high. I mainly stay in bed. I was on Zoloft to last and it made me want to kill myself. It was the first time I've ever contacted 988 suicide hotline in US. Text or telephone I texted it was pretty nice I needed it. I am very smart. I know how to kill yourself efficiently sadly to say it's a lot of gases that I used to work with. That's why I just stayed in bed and slept and kept more melatonin and slept. Because I don't have anybody to talk to. Now girlfriend I wish I had a warm body to sleep next to. And trust me I stand out in the crowd I'm 7 ft tall. People come up and talk to me all the time and I talk to them. I'm always astonished and the females that stay with the absolute asshole boyfriends but that's another story. If I did not have these problems I'd be making hundreds of thousands. I went to school for diesel mechanic, structural welding, and I drove semi for 6 years before bipolar kicked in. Well and I'm taking IV ketamine once a month. I was on lamictal for 15 years and I ended up getting tardive dyskinesia from it now I've had that for 2 months and trying to get the medicine for it which basically cost two grand a month. I am on disability. But you still got a fight with them. Loneliness about 20 years I hide it good. You can't exactly talk about it to certain people they say just go to church there's nice girls there well here I know a lot of nice girls that go to the bar sleep with guys and then go to church next day load of shit. I am very sensitive which makes very hard for me to speak to anyone except my dog. I hope trintellix works I don't know if I can take anymore. Basically had it all my life misdiagnosed finally diagnosed at 23 now I'm 43. The hard part if we're talking about dating I'm attracted to people that are 25 and 30 cuz that's what my life stopped.

It's so frustrating knowing that I've been having partials for over ten years but they were never medically diagnosed until about a year ago.
I've been going through added medications ontop of Lamotrigine to try to stop them, but so far none of the 3 have (Keppra, Briviact, Lamictal). I'm now on Lamotrigine, Briviact and Lamictal twice a day each and I still get focals at least twice a month.
I'm so tired emotionally and physically of the specialist giving me hope that they'll stop. Either stop changing my meds that cost me a lot of money or give me a permanent change. Medication is too expensive. My 3 epilepsy meds alone is almost AUD$100/month (no rebate)
Edit: Lamotrigine controls my tonic-clonics

Does anyone take Xcopri (I also take Lamictal, Zonisamide and was just taken off Onfi after having my left hippocampus and amygdala resected)? I’ve been in situations where absolutely no pharmacy within hours of me has it, my pharmacies have had to specifically order it for me, it’s very new and extremely costly. I’ve never met anyone who has ever taken it before, but I had doctors in Denver put me on it and then my team in Pittsburgh were all about it. I was talking to my neurologist’s PA the other day and she mentioned they don’t even have a known therapeutic level yet… I just find it weird!

It took me 3 weeks of inpatient therapy before I got diagnosed a careful examination of all the information from the clinicians and that is when I got prescribed risperidone and Tegretol which made me feel a lot better now in Puerto Rico the doctor put me on paliperidone Lamictal and Prozac together makes me feel a whole lot better I am grateful for the doctors and clinicians that put me on the right path of my diagnosis! You must find a doctor who with the clinicians can put you in the right direction like I was! The cost of my inpatient therapy was $3,000 a week money well spent!

I've been through all kinds of antipsychotics, risperidal being the worst of them. I've recently switched back to Seroquel and upped my dosage of lamictal, but my new psychiatrist also prescribed an antidepressant. My previous doctor refused at all costs to give me antidepressants. I've only been taking it for a few weeks and I'm noticing the changes already. I actually want to be active, I'm recovering my sex drive, Im even quitting smoking. I finally see a light in the mess that I call life.
Edit: I'm not suggesting you should have my meds. This is my personal combo and everyone should find what works for you. It literally has taken me years to find something that makes me feel ok

(Please forgive my poor english, English is not my first language and I don't have much concentration for written text at the moment; or antyhing actually. I am trying my best to use the right English terminology here, but my brain has an hard time at this moment to find the exact terms as it constantly gets back to French and when I can't concentrate: I can't see the mistakes. I'll do what I can to at least relay my interrogations and give you guys a backgroud for them) ( I am not used to Reddit post form, I hope I got it right Redditers)
Hi everyone and brainwizards,
I wish to have an hint about the procedure in the USA or Europe with execption patients having resistant depression. When do you start looking for metabolic and physiological etiology for the persisting caracter of a bipolar depression, after how many tried treatment (counting ECT, intra-nasal Ketamine and TMS. I did them all and it didn't work enough or I had too important side effects) do you dig deeper to find the cause of the refractory factor of a depression episode. I did religiously the 22 treatments (willl explain bellow ) my psychiatrist gave me to try to cure it, but nothing really worked out. I am better since the ECT (I had 28 of them until I couldn't bare it) and the Ketamine. Then, since the Prégabalin I got a lot better, but stillI am absolutely not back from the deep depression pit. I understand that our public medical system is crumbling and that they try to save as much cost as possible, so they prioritize trying every regular treatment known before investigating further because of the costly and jammed systeme. However, after fiver years without any answers, I feel that it's more than the time to investigate the cause further; more than trying to treat it as nothing is really efficient and whilst I am still suffering and seeing my life passing by. I lost everything as it lingers, got into a deep poverty position and I just can't suffer and live like this anymore. Nevertheless, I know too well I can't die because it would destroy my loved ones and that would be against my sens of morality .It hold my hand dozens of time. Even though I tought I couldn't hold or think about anyone else anymore, at the last instant I was hold back by love. I could not die knowing I would leave false-guilt and sadness behind me. I realized and decided that I had to sacrifice myself and live, even a torture because my love for them ( and the morality) is greater than everything I could suffer; i resignated myself to live a long time ago and I was hopeless. Dying would have been soothing for me, living means suffering without much hope. But, now I am a bit better and would like not to suffer and fake smile until I die and just be able live. I used to be a very joyfull person and this sadness as taken a toll on my idendity. I would like to live ultimately, but not to suffer like now and before and wait indefinately. So I am stuck and there is no sun to see on the horizon for me, it seems. I am fighting to stay alive and to break down my previous traumas, but the system is now drowning me. I can't work and the governement prestation keeps me in deep poverty and cause me more anguish because I have to fight every six months to get my prestations (which is less then required to live minimaly here and too much to deal for my mental state) even when we have doctors reports because they try to pay as less as possible. My preciouuus love one is the only thing preventing me from being on the streets.
I (F31) am from Canada and unfortunately I am an "exception patient". I am Bipolar type I with a resistant-depression for the last 5 years and I have ADHD (also multiple traumas during childhood and later). Mental illness runs in my family from both sides and we all had much trauma in our lives. One of my sibling(M39) (HPI) is diagnosed with Asperger, and Bipolar Disorder and the other one(M36) has schizoaffective disorder. They both had many depression with suicide attempts as well, also they had psychosis and toxic psychosis in the past but they are now both doing great. They both weren't hard to treat even as deep as they went. My mom (HPI) has Fibromyalgia and had many depressions in the past, she thinks her father was bipolar and he was a violent alcoholic. We all have anxiety problems and are hypersensitive. My biological father has a narcissic personnality disorder and has a toxicomania problem lasting for 30 years.
I know you brilliant guys like to have as much information as possible, if so, here's a quick glance at my medical history relating to my resistant dépression.
Very long story short, usually during the summer, I had chronic episodes of depression with strong suicidal tendency from around the age of 16 that got worse growing into adulthood with family tragedies and resurfacing of childhood trauma. At 17, during a family tragedy moment, I have been diagnosed with a major depression. I wanted to die, I was just so exhausted and felt like my heart was too heavy and hard like it needed to be drained. However, my mom noticed and I went to the emergency and the urgentologist diagnosed it and prescribe me a strong anti-depression (I don't remember the name of the molecule, but the parmacist was surprised I got somethig so strong). Nevertheless, I took it only once because it was two strong ( I was so amorphous that I coudn't keep my eyes open) and I didn't have the mental state to deal with changing molecule or going back to the doctor because I was overwhelmed with my family crumbling down. I just ignored that I needed treatment, which I know isn't great, and went on without talking it. No one noticed. I got a bit better and continued running on anxiety. Later, at 23, I have also been at one iota from ending my life, but having suddenly in my head the image of my mother's face when she tought my brother would die from his suicide attempt ( it striked my heart) hold me at the last moment. Thus instead, I found a last alternative to try and I went to cross Spain walking, alone and in silence during 35 consecutive days (882 km). It was momentarly an effect of salvation, I was uplifted. Yet, again, at 25 I had enough of this sneaky and lingering suffering, I felt like a lost cause. I was just weary of life (like if I was a 100 years old) and was filled with sadness, immensly tired, both physicaly and mentaly, so decided to end my life alone violently (jigai was my alternative as it is pretty hard to stab myself in the heart as I needed to "drain" the weight in my chest), but fortunately one of my friend read through my behavior and they rush me (I had no choice and my desperate best friend face was paralyzing me) to the hospital. The Psychiastrist there prescribed me Celexa and sent me home.
(From the beggining of the depression episode I have psychological counsel during an hour or two everyweek and I am fully using it. I have a good introspection ability and I dive deep, sometimes too deep though. I've realized and learned a lot, I even sublimated important traumas and nervous bad reactions)
Three days later, in the beggining of 2017, I started a very strong maniac episode and was hospitalized for 6 weeks. My new psychiatrist (Let's call him Gandalf, he's the best I have ever encountered, a devoted person) concluded that the mania episode was sparked by the Celexa that was prescribe and that anti-depressants are not appropriate for me. He then tried 7 different regular treatment to stop the mania, but nothing worked until he tried Lithium (1200Mg, apparently I have "super" kidneys or something. All my doses are over the normal limit, even the Ketamine I had). After 4 weeks of lithium my mania was running out, but I still in there when I started to dive deep in an incontrollable way into depression. It was suffering as I never would have imagine, it was impossible to bear and I wanted to die every second. I kept repeating over and over that the time was unbearable and endless. The extreme anhédonia was the last nail in the coffin, every second seemed an existence of torture. Also, during that mania I got hooked on the Vape (Nicotine) and still am, my dosage is not high though. Gandalf follow the standard procedure at first, as he is compel to and we tried every possible molecule even the newest here, like Latuda, ( I will list them if ask, I have to dig a bit as time as gone by, but it was everything standard I could try was tried; they were all taken to highly dosages). I had to live the torture of waiting everytime for 4-6 weeks, to no result or the worst side effect (for exemple:acatisia).
Gandalf was trying everything he could ( he is the best to me ) and took counsel with his collegues. Throughout all of this tale I was always prescribe anxiolytics like Lorazepam (I stopped before Ketamine) and Seroquel (small doses)
After 8 or 9 Treatments, Gandalf told me we were to try ECT and it seemed promissing, so I tried. I learnt that it was efficent and they would try a row of 6 first. We tried with minuscule effects so I got to 12 ECT (which they had previously told me was the maximum) and then I started to very respond. So, exceptionnally they kept going until I couldn't take it anymore ( 27 or 28 ECT was my last because I was starting to loose my sense of direction and had a constant headache so torturing I couldn't get out of bed or think or talk. However, it worked partially and got me up and out for around 30% from the dark depths (if it is quantifiable;100% Being my neutral normal self). As I couldn't do it anymore Gandalf took counsel with his fellow wise brainwizards and they decided to try other drugs, but to no avail. Not enough reaction or too important side effects. But we kept: Lamictal ( we didn't know if it works and just kept in on in case it does, if I understand clearly), anxiolytics and Lithium bien sûr. We tried Seroquel (I think it was the 13th molecule tried) as main molecule to treat the depression, it worked a bit much than the previous molecules, but I took 55 pounds in 2 months ( I was 170 before on 5 foot 7 inches) and started to have a very high blood pressure. It was to much for me and Gandalf agreed so we moved on.
During the first 2 years I had insominia, but somewhere after I stared to be able to fall asleep anymore, but without getting energy from the rest.
I have to be transparent. Sometimes it was so hard not having anything efficient to ease or sooth me and not having the possibility to ask Gandalf for more or better( as he gave me everything possible) that to stop the non-stop intrusives anxiogene or dark thoughts, I started to smoke cannabis sometimes. However, sometimes it was a lot for me, but I am so scared of psychosis that I kept it as a last resort until the Ketamine. Sometimes, in the very hard times, it was for a few days straight (if so between 2 to 3g/day max).
Gandalf, started to suspect that I might have a sleep apnea problem ( I never slept well, insomnia or always tired even when I slept, I used to fall asleep incontrollably sometimes during the day ,no matter if I ate or not). So somewhere around 2020, I did a polysomnia at the hospital, but apparently, nothing concerning showed up.
So, after 20 tried treatment, Gandalf took it higher and went to seek counsel from the one/or ( I ain't no specialiste )greatest researcher in psychiatry of our province, even of the country. ( You might know who that is). They got me into the new technology of TMS (in french we usualy call it "neuromodulation") and I was very pleased because it seemed, again, so promesing and with not much side effect. Quickly, it seemed to be efficent. Nevertheless, around the fifth week of treatment, waiting for the subway, I realized I was starting an hypomania or the beginning of a mania, when I wanted to tell everyone how beautiful they were and that my thoughts were starting to go much faster. I went back the next day and after a test to evaluate my mental state, they announced me that It was, as I feared, hypomania and that I couldn't do it anymore.
I was devasted. I thought we had run out of options.
But the same researcher was running an other experimental trial treatment for exception treatment: Ketamine (he also offered me a Pacemaker, but I refused because it sounds like a social suicide with the changing of the voice to an "old smoker voice") . At the time, he told me I was the most exception from the line of exception patient that qualified. He had me stay at the hospital for a week to get 3 perfusions of Ketamine, he was amazed by the dose I needed, 50 Mg, ( he couldn't believe it, as for all my dosing, because 50 mg is the maximum for everyone male/female). Then they gave me the intra-nasal one to do myself at home. It worked well, I got out and up for like another 25%. Also, I had already lost interest in food (a great distress for me as I am usually gourmande) and Ketamine gave me constant nausea, so I almost completely stop eating. Thus I lost all the weight I gain from Seroquel and even more, I got thinner like I haven't have been since I was 19. Strangely, my breasts volume had slowly increased in the previous years, but it got more big than ever as I was loosing weight. They are still that volume now ( they are a cup bigger than when I got sick five years ago) Also, my menstrual cycle is quite weirdly irregular, it has always be irregular, but then and now it's just weird and my cramps too. I thought it was the IUD.
However, I got to a plateau with the Ketamine and I even toggle back in the depths again (once I had a psychological choc), so they had to give me "boosters", which consisted in two treatments a week (usually once a week 50 mg). It got me back to the plateau, but never higher. After almost two years, Gandalf and this researcher announced me that I couldn't continue this treatment because there were no improving and they couldn't justify that I resume it with no result for this long to the government (it is very controlled with narcotics of course). Even though I really hated this treatment and wished for something else, I was devasted again because I tought, as was said to me before, that it was the last option.
I have to say that during the 4-5 lasts months of Ketamine I started to consume Cannabis again, it was to hard and hard to resist as I was still suffering immensly, even though I know it is a mirage of ease ultimately.
Yet, Gandalf surprised me, as I was crying hopelessly, that one drug haven't been tried. I was mesmerized, in front of my perplexity Gandalf explained me that he didn't try it before because I was so deep in depression and it wouldn't have been enough, but now as I was higher from the depths than I was before the TMS and Ketamine, it was worth a try. My mood was very better in general, My way of thinking changed and I thought less about dying, but my TAG ( General Anxiety disorder), that I developped with this resistant-depression, was still dragging me down deeply. So as it works with anxiety he tought it might be a great option to climb the last steps. Especially that it has mostly no important side effects and this was a big preoccupation with me. This molecule is Pregabalin.
At first, it was incredible. The two first day I felt calm, or just quite normal I guess, but quickly after that slowly on the course of a few weeks, I got back down a good bit and reached again a plateau. We kept it as it was the only thing available for me at the moment. After the first few months, me and my preciouuuus loved one, realised (more him than me) that I was suddenly snorring. I didn't think it was very important and negleted to say it to Gandalf. I had only a 25mg increase of Pregabalin. But, when I told him he was very concern. He told me it is strange that with such a small increase that I start to snore.
He then started to contemplate the hypotesis that I might have an hidden sleeping condition or a condition causing micro-waking up ( I couldn't find the English term in french they say:" micro-réveils") constantly during the night which could explain the refractory caracter of my depression episode and it fits with my general fatigue and constant exhaustion (psychologic, intellectual and physique) which is/are (I don't know the difference between both) one of the worst symptoms I have. Later, I realized that this new snorring was also enhanced if I took any more small dose of quetiapine, a Benadryl, or anything that might cause drowsiness. I had to stop taking seroquel from 1pm because even an half after would result in a loud snoring that prevented my preciouuuus one from sleeping and I was even more tired the night I snored. Thus, since then I suffer and have to go trough my anxiety and agitation for half of the day when I could take a Seroquel to ease.
From that moment my meds are: Apo-Lithium 1200mg/day (2 months later we increased of 150mg); Lamictal (Lamotrigine) 100mg; Pregabalin 200mg at night and 150mg in the morning and 4 doses of 25 mg of Seroquel. I had been ween off the lorazepam, oxazepam and the small doses of seroquel were the replacement.
Also, I started to have dyspnoea and my sinus always seemed blocked, I have a hard time to swollow( probably the lithium here) and my lungs weeze now almost all the time. I suspected it was mold in my appartement, but I don't have enough money to do the aerial test if it's in the walls. There is rationnal possibility for it as there have been 2 important water breaks, but no visible signs and Gandalf reassured me if there is, it is not known to cause resistant-depression. So, as I am too sick to take care of myself and dealing with calls and appointment; I just lived with it.
For the polysomnia: the system was jammed up and the wait is long for tests. In the meantime, maybe a year and 2 months after starting Pregabalin, I got a massive mood drop in the depths and got hooked again on cannabis. I knew ( and Gandalf too) that it wasn't helping my cause, of course what a trap, but I didn't have anything else and it helped with ruminations and intrusives thoughts. However, I turned everything around in my psyche and about 3 months later I started to reduce to the minimum possible (progressively) and since then I smoke the equivalent of a long joint every night (1g). My sudden and vertiginous mood drop worried Gandalf and he told me that the sleeping problem was now his first hypothesis for my state. He seemed even more confidant than ever, it gave me hope, but the public systeme is a maze to deal with. Thus, I wait and endure all the pain holding myself from letting go for my entourage whom I can't harm with grief and culpability; when they have nothing to do with it. Sometimes, on the worst days, I think that staying alive is my sacrifice, because it is so hard. However, I am now determine to live and have a normal life. Even in the most dark depths, I never stop loving life and beauty, I still see it all around and was all along. Recently though, I feel like my hope has almost run out with my energy and ultimately, if it was possible, I would be at peace in death. I thought many times about "medical help to die" as it was debating in Canada (obliviating it would be almost the same for my loved ones). However, I've got to say that now I hang on running on my anxiety and living an hour at the time in my safe cocoon.
(Also, I have done a ton of introspection during that time which helped me getting through the swirling waters and even sublimate a huge PTSD )
I am sorry If it isn't pertinent, but I am not qualify to see or discriminate what is or not: I also realized I have reflux ( especially when I lean foward) and my abdomen seems distended, I guess it is the lithium, which makes me drink almost 4l a day, and all the meds I take at the same time. Still on the physical part, I sometimes have pinching or stabbing sensation in the chest since the last 8 years. I thought many time I was having a heart attack because the pain was so intense and my left arm gets numb aroud and the shoulder and armpit if I lift my arm and push my elbow back. I have been told that I have one sternum rib that is up from the sternum and it might cause the pinches becuse of a certain nerve, but I don't think it explains the stabbing sensation almost always on the left side and randomly place. On an other note, again i don't know if it is pertinent or not to you wise wizards, maybe with the new link microbiota-brain that is starting to get investigated, I now (or I didn't realise it wasn't normal before) kind of feel my peristalsis when aliments pass before and in the left "elbow" of my intestines then i feel it "falls" down. Then I feel it going more further. I also had two important allergic cutaneous reaction during this depression, for which we never found the source or cause. It just went away with the antihistamines. I sometimes gets the tiny little kind of "pimples" and they go away quickly.
Finally when I got my appointment (pre-test) with the pulmonologist ( it is the pulmonologist who evaluate and decides if you are eligible for a polysomnia even when they have a request from an other specialist like Gandalf) last spring ( there was a confusion also it should have been last february). Even if it was just suppose to be a preparation for the apnea test, the pulmonologist, of course, routinely listen to my lungs. His face changed a bit and seemed worried, he listened more and run out of the room to come back with a Simbucort 200 pump and show me how to use it right away. I told him about my physical symptoms and he was concerned. I aked him if it could be the cannabis or vaping and he told me that it irritates and didn't help, but that it surely wasn't the cause. He was overall more interested with my chronical sinusitis and last bronchitis than my smoke consumption or sleep. The polysomnia test seemed then out of his mind and he told me I had to go urgently pass a complete respiratory test, a lungs radiography and to see an ORL. It was confusing to me and I forgot to insist for my sleep test and he forgot too. Which is a catastrophy because of the delayed and jammed systeme that we need to follow. He gave me the pump of symbucort to take home and instruct me to absolutely take two inhalations twice a day. I did and I saw a difference, but when I told Gandalf, he told me to be aware if it seems to increase my anxiety. The thing is that I am so anxious and sometimes it just skyrocks without any trigger we can see. I can't really know if there is a difference on my anxiety, but it is more anxiogene not knowing and feeling I absolutely need the pump to breathe correctly. Obviously my vaping increases the dyspnea and I feel like I can't get the dose of nicotine, so it's a vicious cycle, but with the pump it helps with that too.
( I stil don't now if it is relavent or not, but just in case it is) Surprisingly, despite the symptomes persisting, also the worriness and urge of the pulmonologist, the radiography showed nothing concerning, my lungs capacity according to the tests is quite fine. He told me that he was suprised by my great lung capacity and that finally I don't really need the pump and to take it as I please or just not. I was quite confused because of his previous worry and because I felt I need the pump. As it is hard for me to get on a new routine and I just didn't care anymore I stopped taking it regularly and I take it now when it feels to hard too breathe to come up a set of stairs. However, for the ORL I have no clear results as he botched my examination. The ORL is a well known bad doctor, he seems more interested about saying that he is a doctor than help people. I was disgust and shoked, but I can't go to another one. According what's on Ratemy Md, my experience and other of his patient I know, he is a known ethic wreak, he botches his patient, catastrophically give wrong diagnosis, he is absolutely insentive (which is dangerous with people in my mental state : I thought about killing myself when I got out; it was plain horrible), gets rude and even hurt his patient (he hurt me with the camera when he forced it somewhere behind my nose, I just said politely and calmly "ouch! Sorry it hurts" and told me with condescedence and a loud gasp "Madame calm down!". When he arrived, he told me that he didn't even look at my file. I was there for maximum 8 minutes including the camera. He shamed me for having cats as apparently it irritates my upper respiratory system. I tried to ask him if my chronic sinusitis might be a cause of the problem and he told me that it was my vaping the problem for it, but as he cut me off while I was talking; I coudn't explain to him that I have chronic sinusitis since the age of 10 so it is not a valid assumption. He concluded( after I had to ask for it as he was showing me the door just giving me a paper without any explaination about the drug or the diagnosis) ,without looking at my file nor asking me much question, that it was an allergic rhinitis "periannuelle" (I can't find the english term, but it means that it goes on in continuity). Also, rudely concluded that the Lithium or my other meds were causing the swallow problem and the snorring. He precribed me Omnaris and the pharmacist back home explain me it has to be taken twice a day, two spray shots in each nostril at night. Anyway, absolutely disgusted and plain scared from this experience, I complained about it to Gandalf and I ask him to look at the RateMds so he can appreciate how he is problematic and he already knew who I was talking about. Of course he didn't tell me what he tought of this ORL, but he told me it was serious and would take care of it. Especially, that for me it was the last straw of my trust in our system.
At that time, Gandalf increased of 150mg my daily dose of lithum and since then, 4 months, I have inflated like a balloon. I've taken around 30 pounds which is causing me to be even more inconfortable in my body and my upper abdomen feels so tense all the time. Gandalf thinks it might be "water retention". I drink a bit more than 3.5l of water a day and more than 4 when the heat strikes. ( I must add that I have always drink more water then normal, it is even a running gag, and that I have an hyperactive bladder)
Thus, since then we are juggling to try to find me an appointment to do the polysomnia test again because the pulmonologist forgot to prescribe the test that Gandalf required, but it is a really nightmare of madhouse right now. Because it fell in the cracks, Gandalf has to start again all the procedure and it is around 2-3 months for the pre-test with the pulmonologist again and then it would be 1 to 3 months (and I will be in first "priority").
I can't wait more, it's been 5 years of suffering and we don't know why I am still in this state. There is no answer nor hope on my horizion while my life is passing by. I am hanging on because of my care for my loved one, but being in the dark and suffering for this long is tiring and costly. I feel like our system is abandoning me. Gandalf is doing his best, but he feels too that it is a systemic problem because he can't run any test just like that and the system is doing anything to save money.
All that begin said, dear brainwizards, do you think I should insist on Gandalf to investigate physiological or metabolical (or anything you think is relevent) etiology or a treatment for my condition? I have tried and hoped so many times, but I can't afford anymore to hope something will work and crashed down because the horizon is lightless again. However, I have never been that hopefull and gandalf too: the sleeping problem seems to me the best explanation so far as everyday I wake up feeling like I haven't slept, have no energy (physical, emotional and intellectual, I ran on anxiety as if it was energy, always to exhaustion) and that I always had sleeping problems. Nevertheless, I want to be prepared if nothing comes out of the polysomnia ( but I am worried about the possibily to really detect an "hidden" apnea as they didn't see it the first time, it seems to manifests clearly only with sleeping drugs. I could take one of the seroquel (50mg) that I skip usually to prevent snoring and my preciouuuuss loosing sleep.) I can't keep on like this, waiting that I will be on the streets because of poverty ( as I am from one finger to be) or end up transcending my moral sens that's preventing me from ending my suffering because I will be so tired and despaired from my society and aborted life. I can't get there, but I can't live with an hopeless horizon.
Gandalf is the most devoted and competent psychiatrist I have ever met, altruistic and keeping up with research, but he seems tired as he is drowning with cases right now and also discourage by our system that keeps his hand tied. He is getting very impatient with the pulmonology and he is telling me to rush and also try to get the appointment. To no avail, the system is jammed.
I am now angry and more anguish as I feel I am suffering in vain when it could be something that could having been detected a long time ago if I lived in Europe or in the US (with an insurrance). It costs me and my family a lot. What if I had already end my life and it could have been cured if they had look further earlier.
I coudn't fit every details and the progress in my cogitation course throughout this almost 6 year endless night. I hope you still get the picture of my resistant depression. If you curious bainwizards are generous enough to read my post and have questions, I will answer them as clearly and quick as I can.
With a glimps of hope that something will come out of this post,
I thank you all deeply for reading my post, I hope someone will make it to the end.
A wanderging rasberry hoping to just be wandering in the sunlight and not being lost.

I’m a 24 (25 in 3 months) female. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in 2018 when i was 19. I also have GAD, PTSD, AVPD (avoidant personality disorder), and somatic symptom syndrome.
To try to keep a long story short, at 12 I was diagnosed with GAD (social anxiety, panic disorder, basically every aspect of anxiety). Then as i said bipolar 2 at 19. What lead to the bipolar diagnosis was antidepressants not helping me, and the drug Effexor causing me to be manic for over a year (which i didn’t even know, i just knew my life was a million times better before i realized blowing all my money and random sex wasn’t normal and insane mood switches). In the beginning of 2023 I got a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD because my psychiatrist questioned if I had it. When i told this to my mom, she said “yeah we always thought you had that or autism but we just didn’t want to waste the time and money getting you tested” (this is a small glimpse as to why I was diagnosed with PTSD (my family). Anyways, the neuropsych test revealed the somatic symptom syndrome and avpd and confirmed bipolar 2. And I was told “i’m too high functioning (and smart, is what she implied) to have autism or ADHD”.
What i’m about to say took place before my neuropsych testing. I’m not proud to say this, but since i have tried pretty much every mental health med from mood stabilizers to antidepressants to antipsychotics, i got desperate. I took 5mg of Adderall. Very small dose, but i wanted to know if it would help at all since nothing else seemed to. Either i was still hypomanic, or extremely depressed no matter what medication i was prescribed. This changed my life. I did not become manic, and i did not become “high”. It felt as if caffeine finally did something for me like it does for everyone else. I had an appropriate amount of energy, could do my daily tasks without feeling like my life was imploding. My mood was calm, and i didn’t feel as irritable and bitchy as i normally do. Didn’t have any lash outs that day, no negative feelings at all. Any anxiety was also better which was surprising to me as my anxiety is quite debilitating. This lasted for majority of the day, and then slowly went away. This is where the stuck in the mud feeling came back. It is unbelievably hard for me to do some of the worlds easiest tasks. Like dishes. I have a dishwasher, all i have to do is rinse them and stick them in there and run it. But this is mentally and physically draining everyday to the point where i cry and then get upset that i can’t be a normal person. i get messed up and think “what the fuck is wrong with me that i can’t do the dishes? i must be lazy and want a free hand out”, which is what my mother would say to me when i still lived with her.
I talked to my psych and she said once i’m stabilized she might consider a small dose of a stimulant to take once a day or on particularly hard days. This was in the spring of 2023. I’m currently on 200mg Lamictal for bipolar, 20mg of Buspar for anxiety, a strong vitamin D supplement intake once a week, and my other medications for other reasons. I have been stabilized for 8 months. things are great! minus my body being glued to my bed or couch and the desire to do things but the inability to do them. to me, doing everyday tasks such as dishes are impossible. i bring this up at every monthly med check yet nothing changes or gets fixed. i’ve tried everything. exercising, eating better, getting 8 hours of sleep, supplements, checking thyroid levels. nothing helps. it also isn’t just daily tasks. i can’t even do my hobbies i once loved so much. i can’t bare to see my friends because it requires getting ready and going out and being social which is incredibly draining. if i go grocery shopping, i need a nap after. cooking food is too hard, i either eat easily accessible things like snacks, or i don’t eat at all.
i know this sounds dramatic and lazy, which believe me is not the case. i desperately want to be a normal member of society. i hate being this way. i also haven’t worked in a year due to burn out. so respectfully please avoid saying “you’re just lazy you need to try harder” because if that was the fix, i wouldn’t be writing this.
does anyone on here have a similar situation to me?? does anything help? for the first time since i can remember, i’m not depressed and i’m not manic. so why can’t i do literally anything? i understand stimulants can make a bipolar person manic, and if my dr would allow me to try them like she said she might do forever ago, i’m willing to risk the chance of becoming manic just to get an answer. because what if there’s a chance it doesn’t make me manic and it’s exactly what i’ve been needing. even my therapist is questioning my neuropsych test and suggested getting retested somewhere else. unfortunately that’s not possible right now as the first test cost me about 2k with insurance.
that being said, if anyone has been in this situation, what helped you? even if it wasn’t a stimulant. obviously a different choice would be better than a stimulant but all i know is the small dose i tried one time was what seemed to help me. and yes it was only one time as i was trying to be responsible, i was just desperate at that moment in time because it had been 2 weeks since i showered and my house was a disaster.
i’m not asking for medical advice, i’m just asking for your experiences. thanks to anyone who answers