Little Author's Note up here since it was missed in the last chapter by some people: I don't approve of anyone "narrating" or using my story for their youtube channels or whatever as it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been getting messages whenever I post a chapter asking the same thing and I keep saying no. If you see this story on youtube or elsewhere, I didn’t approve of it or give them my permission to do so.
Cerelia, Altrin Female, Captain of The Opal Star
I smirk at my wrist data pad as I can see Triwt is basically hunting and chasing down the remaining pirates while expertly leading them to me for a trap.
“Triwt, you know me so well.” I say with a fully smug tone as I ready my rifle and prepare to open fire.
Not yet
The footsteps are getting louder.
Not yet…
The footsteps, given how good my hearing is, have now rounded the corner and there’s a shriek of terror.
“Boys! Turn back and save your damn Captain! The damn girl has me!”
I can’t help but smirk, it seems the ugly bastard did come aboard the ship. What’s better is that Triwt has grabbed him, leaving the remaining 4 pirates not looking this way.
Now.
Triwt, Female Valis-Trobat Hybrid, Security Commander
I’m slightly annoyed as I have to constantly weave and dodge going through the corridor. These dumb asses aren’t even aiming where they're shooting. I quickly duck low to the ground to dodge a barrage of plasma bolts, when I hear the one thing I was looking forward to. Click click click…
Silence follows the clicking of empty TOR’s besides the frantic running. It’s then replaced by one of the pirates, not the Captain, shrieking as she runs ahead of the others in a panic. In no sense am I a sadistic person, but however in this situation, I might have smiled a bit to her reaction as I pick up the pace and quickly enter melee range.
Hm, maybe we can afford one prisoner…
I see the corner coming up as I whip my body around and grab the Captain with my tail.
EWWWW He’s all slimy and mucusy! Goddess this is worse than Jordan Cores bleeding on my fur. EWWW!!!
“Boys! Turn back and save your damn Captain! The damn girl has me!”
Despite my own internal hatred of the sensation of having to get that gross slime like mucus on my tail of all things, I still pull the Captain back as they round the corner looking back at me as they abandon their captain. I give them a wave right before a hail of gunfire shreds through them, leaving only a fine mist.
I’m surprised Cerelia is allowed to even own such a modified weapon. I can’t even shoot it while holding it with all 4 of my arms due to the recoil! She says it’s registered as a ceremonial weapon. I suppose a sudden funeral is a ceremony in itself.
I smirk at the thought before returning my attention to this gross captain wrapped up in my tail.
Cerelia, Altrin Female, Captain of The Opal Star
I let out a relaxed sigh as I released the trigger from my grip. I don’t particularly enjoy battle, but there seems to be something within my own instincts that triggers dopamine at the end of a battle.
Probably something to do with Altrins being a hunter race before we were modern and spacefaring. Might have to ask a historian about that, if not at the very least a psychologist.
I lower my rifle as Triwt slithers down the hall, her fur undeniably red in a few spots where her fur was exposed, but mostly on her uniform. She keeps going with the Alcoranth Captain being dragged along by her tail, already bound up and gagged.
“I can deal with the blood of Jordan Cores, but take this bastard away from me before I slit his throat for getting mucus on my tail.”
Oh, she is pissed. She’s just doing a good job at mostly containing it.
I nod before speaking, “Just knock him out for now and we’ll put him in a cryopod or something. His slime-like excretions from his skin might make him an easy flight risk since we can assume he can slip out of handcuffs and other bindings fairly easily.”
Triwt nods at me and uses a Stun Baton to knock him out for now after hitting him with probably more volts than regulated.
I suppose it’s better than bashing his head against the wall until he passes out.
The remaining guards who were left with me take the now prisoner captain away from Triwt and begin transporting him to a cryopod room meant for emergencies like if the ship’s thrusters stop working and we’re years away from rescue.
We could just set up an SOS frequency broadcast and then put everyone in cryo until rescue arrives. But now, it’s a makeshift prison for a cowardly pirate.
Now… for the real battle in all of this. The battle on the inside.
Lys, Verkrawn Male, Fauna Research Specialist
Silence. Well, except my ears are ringing from the sound of gunfire that has now stopped.
I take in a shaky breath in what feels like the first time in forever. Everything is shaking now that the fighting seems to have stopped. It seems I’m not the only one who was holding their breath for so long as other crew members near me seemed to breathe in while a few start to break down crying.
We’re not fighters like security, Triwt, or Cerelia. Most of us had never seen people die, to say the least how brutal it was to see how Jordan Cores attacked the Alcoranth. I feel my face with my clawed hands and feel the warm liquid of my tears running down my face.
When did I start crying?
The realization hit me like a powerloader as it’s my turn to break down crying, my own legs failing me as they shook before I found myself weeping on the floor as the thoughts and emotions flooded my head with what happened and how terrible this was. I keep crying as I feel the large paw of my older sister as she slowly sits me up and holds me in a warm embrace. It makes me think about when I was younger. The days when she and I were in the orphanage. She used to hold me just like this after she would chase away the older kids who would be mean to me. I still remember some of the things she’d say to them.
“I don’t care if a Verkawn’s scales can deflect most bullets, he still has feelings!” The first thing she ever said to the bullies as she chased them off. It was also the day I met her. She had lost her family due to a Slaver raid on the colony world she was living on at the time. She didn’t tell me much about it, and I doubt she would tell me even today, but she always called me her little brother, so I started calling her my older sister. It’s been like that since.
I keep crying until it’s more of a sniffle as I slowly return the embrace.
“They will never hurt you like they hurt me, Lys.” She whispers to me before slowly turning her attention to the crew members with a sad expression. “Nor any of you. Oh, none of this was ever supposed to happen.”
“Y-You can’t predict pirates, Cerelia”
“I know, but they got so close to hurting and enslaving you. I failed to keep you all safe.”
“Cerelia, we’re fine. No one got hurt physically. We should probably just go to the nearest planetary city, maybe see some therapists and psychologists while the ship gets repaired.”
Cerelia nods as she thinks about what I said.
“Yeah, but what about the furless beast? What are we supposed to do about it?” A member says as everyone was slowly coming to grips that they are alive and well. “Are we just going to keep it here? Who knows if it’ll attack us again like it did to Lys or that Alcoranth on the floor there!?”
“He was scared!” Cerelia counters, with a hint of personal anger in her tone. “He couldn’t understand us and was only trying to escape because he thought he was in danger!”
“He was in danger? He is the danger for all I’ve seen!” They countered as I felt like shrinking down and hiding away, before a bit more of an emotional burning sensation rose up in me.
“Shut up!” I suddenly snapped. Silence follows as they wait for me to say something. I have never raise my voice.
“Sure, they found us in here because Jordan Cores had a chip on him, but he didn’t know about it! Not only that, but he at least protected us from that psychopath, breaking his own body and getting shot before doing so! You haven’t even had time to interact with him. While my interactions with him were brief, I could at least tell that he was scared and that he was sorry!” I huff as I silently cry again as I look at both Cerelia and the crew member. I think their name is R’dorn. They’ve always been brash and rude, so I had a tendency to avoid them.
R’dorn looks at me annoyed, but as they are seemingly unable to come up with a good counter argument, they storm out of the safe room.
I look at Cerelia and Triwt before sighing and sitting down. “Sorry…”
“It’s alright, you kinda said what we were all thinking.” Someone says as they place a wing on me. “That, and R’dorn needs to shut up every now and then.” There’s sounds of agreement before it becomes a group embrace of comfort. Much different to huddling in fear.
“So wait, where is Jordan Cores now? Is he okay?”
“He’s in Med Bay 07’s only regeneration pod. He’s going to be fine, but it won’t be a while until he’s out due to his injuries.” Triwt responds as she slithers to the entrance of the room. “How about everyone gets cleaned up, or takes a hot shower to calm their nerves, and in about 2 hours time, we can see how Jordan Cores is holding up?”
That sounds like a good idea. To wash away the stress and some time to think, it sounds super nice.
I let out a sigh and nod. “Yeah, that sounds good to me… I’ll be there then. I guess if everyone else wants to show up, you can as well? Not like I can stop you or force you to, but the suggestion is there. Just trying to be considerate.”
With that, I stand up and I’m escorted back to my room to try and freshen up and clear my head.
And that is chapter 9! I was personally a little bit of mental and emotional wreck while writing because sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. At least that's how it feels. Gonna try and do some experimenting as I kinda want to explore some places now as we’ve been stuck on The Opal Star since the very beginning. So what are we feeling? A desert world, tropical world, or maybe a world that’s high in gravity, but Jordan seems to be just fine? Let me know your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions below, and thank you so much for reading!
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I'm currently 15f and I cant stand myself. It's hard to look in the mirror. I hard to smile and act like I don't care. I'm not pretty, I'm not skinny like my sister. I don't have a face card. I don't have ass or it's. I'm ugly. Plain ugly. It doesn't help I'm lesbian either.
Everyday my brother ir sister say something to me. Some fatphobic joke ,some remark that ruins my day. Yeah I get it I'm ugly.
"Even if u go for the same team u have no pull" "Nobody wants u cause look In the mirror."
These statements hurt. I cant be near someone without thinking they are judging me. Even my friends.
My freinds make jokes too about how I'm overweight. I tell them to stop and they don't. But I font want to lose my freind group. I don't want to be alone.
I'm pretty sure I at least have depression. No one knows though. I'm always smiling through the pain. It's hard. You can't be fat and salty right? I want to lose wight I really do.
The moment I try I Lose all motivation. I just lay in bed all day reading. I feel empty. I'm exhausted. I'm not suicidedal though I've nvr thought let alone don't it. I don't what I'm looking for but this is just me venting Ig.
Honestly I really wish I could truly tell it better.

(please don’t share i’m also sorry for such a long post)
i love my boyfriend. so much, but his family drive me fucking insane and make me cry so much and i don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or what but
me and my boyfriend have been together for a year i’m currently pregnant (unplanned) were young parents who need a lot of support mainly just finically since homes are expensive, i have to worry about college savings, and i won’t be able to work for a while (even while pregnant my dad refuses to help he wouldn’t let me get my license now i have to wait i’m getting closer to getting it though before the baby is here), boyfriend works but doesn’t make enough to provide for us (which is okay he’s had the job for a few years and is trying hard to find something at least a little better i’m proud of him) so not living with them or my father isn’t really an option my mother isn’t really in the picture and doesn’t take care of her home (smokes inside, and a bunch of other issues i won’t get into just not suitable for a little one) the issues living with my dad is a lot so i won’t get into that either
basically the issues with my in laws are

• since i am young and struggle with a ton of physical health issues i was considering abortion when i first found out, obviously no woman wants to have an abortion its devastating i always wanted kids but i wanted to be able to fully support and spoil my baby. she was super against this literally yelling at me at times for even bringing up the idea and guilt tripped me horribly told me she was physically sick at the thought of me having one, sent my boyfriend a photo of a baby in the womb stating it has a heartbeat and “we did an adult thing by having sex so we need to be adults”, etc just very very out of taste and hurtful. i was using protection, i was being cautious it just happened to me. which sucks. but i’m trying to embrace it. she also kept telling me false medical facts to coerce me into having the baby obviously i made the choice to keep my little one and i know it’s bad to say but sometimes i wish i didn’t especially if it was going to end up like this. (my dad also smears in my face how i should’ve gotten an abortion lol) i know i probably sound like a horrible mother i’m ready to take care of her and hold her and admire her i just wish so bad i could’ve predicted how awful the situation would be. i know it could always be worse, some girls don’t even have family support but mine is very forced i guess. i’m happy i get to have her, i don’t know. i’m just conflicted. i refuse to adopt our baby out so please no one comment saying i should i’ve already been through this multiple times. i respect everyone’s political views and social views but please don’t cram the down my throat. i feel guilty for even considering the latter to begin with even though i’m not finished with high school + once again i have a lot of health issues. i just got unlucky.
  
• his grandma gave us a talk about how she’s disappointed we had pre material sex (i was saving myself for marriage before i met him? i lost my virginity to HIM) but she’s happy we didn’t abort because that’s just “wrong”
  
• they’ve told everyone i’m pregnant without confiding in me first even the babies gender. we got the gender we were hoping for and i was sooo excited but everyone already knew.. i wouldn’t be upset about this really if they had just asked me first :/ and when i got upset about someone finding out who me and bf were going to tell they literally just said “i think everyone should know anyways but that’s my opinion”
  
• his mom made a comment about me not wearing a bra (i had a baggy shirt on that went off the shoulder a little) i understand that this is a social norm but she added in that i would get preyed on for not wearing one as a victim of SA that part was super hurtful.
  
• this one is kinda a minor rant i guess. his family is super large which is a good and bad thing, im glad they’re family is so close but it kinda sucks when i’m trying to spend time with my boyfriend before we have our kid and i’m forced to watch everyone else’s kids (his grandma literally asks this of me basically demands it, i’m pretty pregnant right now i’ve gained 20 pounds it’s not easily for me to carry a bunch of babies) the other day she told me to get down on the ground take the babies shoes off, then pick them up take them to the sink and wash their hands for them i use to be super fit but i have had such a hard time even GETTING UP when sitting down my boyfriend was helping out in the house while she TELLS ME to go outside and play with the kids. i’m so fucking tired i can barely sleep because my baby keeps me up all night kicking and no position is comfortable. anyways then the kids parents complain when i give any type of pda to my boyfriend (hugging, a quick kiss, or even just laying on his arm) if you don’t want me doing these things don’t force me to watch your children?? also notice how these little kids have NEVER hurt themselves when i’m around why because i chase after them whenever they do something remotely dangerous??? (they left the kids with the younger cousin and the baby hit its fucking head) i didn’t ask to babysit? ( keep in mind my boyfriend is not super close to where i currently live i drive a pretty good distance SUPER EARLY IN THE MORNING MIGHT I ADD. ) i’d like some alone time with HIM. i’m cherishing every moment with him before our baby is here.
  
• his brother literally told me to shut up today when i asked him to stop yelling at my boyfriend over a dumbass video game controller. & then yelled at me for laying on my boyfriends shoulder 💀 that’s how i even found out the kids parents complain about me BECAUSE THEY NEVER SAY ANYTHING UPFRONT TO ME it’s always behind my back in the most judgmental way, um guys hello? i’m right here if you have an issue with something i’m doing please address it with me and we can talk about it compromise, or i’ll just stop overall i’m not one to fight i really really hate fucking fighting. and that’s why i haven’t spoken up for myself at all this entire time.
  
• this one makes me sound like i’m spoiled probably so don’t take it like that, it’s just kinda a punch in the face i guess i’m very grateful for all that they do for my baby: they haven’t gotten my baby anything yet besides the stuff i politely asked them if i could get (her clothes) since i’m super picky and want her to dress really girly while she’s young i’m super into fashion and clothes so it’s just something i’d like to do. anyways they buy my baby second hand clothes that are gender neutral (when i was sorting them out btw mil stopped me put them in a bag and told me to do it later. i had two piles already made that’s just annoying but whatever whenever we mention about sorting them she acts like we need to keep them all) a swing that’s fucking blue and they got a free car seat that’s blue and goddamn orange •_• (if ur a parent you know ur not supposed to receive second hand car seats) but then here’s the fucking KICKER right? they complain about how much money they’ve given other members of the family but then TAKE THAT EXACT family member on a shopping spree. while the baby they begged me to keep is getting second hand clothes mommy didnt even get to pick out or see LMFAO listen buying second hand shit is fine babies are going to outgrow it fast but this is my first and only child i plan to have id like it to be a tiny bit special for me and her. they also bought bath toys for the other little kids then told me to use them for my daughter (if y’all don’t know bath toys need to be replaced often, they can grow a shit ton of mold if you don’t she’s also going to be you know a FUCKING NEWBORN so she’s super fragile to sickness just not a good idea to share things like that)
  
• i could go on and on and on but the biggest issue i have is: it’s causing a rift between me and my boyfriend. fuck we’ve never argued but i’ve been so angry at him recently i know it’s not his fault and my own father warned me “if i don’t like the persons parents i’m not being with them” i always said not me because my boyfriend is an amazing human being i love him so dearly and i’ve truly never have met someone like him even my dad adores him and asks me when he’s coming over because he misses him. he can’t help who his family is i just hate that sometimes he’s too nice to see how fucked up this all is or doesn’t try hard enough to defend us or me but maybe i’m overreacting i don’t know. i could never leave him but sometimes i get intrusive thoughts about it i’m so desperate to have a normal life i just wish this never happened to us. he’s my first boyfriend and i’m his first girlfriend down to the first kiss and everything. i just don’t want to deal with them anymore i constantly cry and i’m so fucking stressed which isn’t good for our baby. but his comfort and the love we have for each other is just so much. i can’t. i don’t blame him for any of this and i’m so scared of ever losing him. i hate that i’m becoming so bitter because so this.
  

so reddit, feel free to give me advice or your opinions am i being overdramatic? i just need someone anyone to talk to about this. i don’t really have any friends to lean on or family.
tldr: i love my boyfriend but his family is super snarky and rude sometimes i can’t really sum all of this up

I have always felt like this. I have always felt that something in my body was off so much it hurts, but I wasn't able to talk to anyone. Any signal I gave to my parents was basically shut down as a "yes that's puberty". I know they are transfobic I have always known, that's why I haven't outed myself but I feel so miserable. I feel so sad specifically when I know about puberty blockers and starting T at still developing ages it hurts so much I couldn't do it, and hurts even more that even if I said anything about being trans my parents wouldn't let me get this, so why do I mourn it so much? I don't get it and I want to stop thinking about this every day. Like, I didn't get the childhood I wanted, neither the teen years and I feel destroyed cause I miss it even it already happened. Also, I feel like right now I need to start T or I'm just gonna be miserable for so much time. I'm already in the process of getting the T but it's looong and I feel devastated it won't happen probably til next year. I feel like I need it like I think about it every day, about the changes about everything. But I'm worried about this cause, what if I get the T and I'm not happy anyways? I have severe bottom disforia I feel weird to not have something between there and I hate puting my binder it feels like I'm not myself. I don't feel like myself and I want this to stop and I know this is rough and probably horrifying (and transfobic) to say, but i really feel like this is a curse. Like, why me? Why do I need to feel this way every single day of my life? And it won't stop, I know that it will get better with T (will it?) but the surgery's god damn don't get me started on that. I don't have the money, I don't know how much time I'm gonna be without the money and suddenly my life will pass by and my body will be stuck in some woman's body I wasn't meant to have. And there's support in my life (not from my parents), my friends and I have a girlfriend I love but anyways I feel so alone cause I haven't met anyone in real life that really experiences this like disforia and feelings in general. I just want to scape this, I want to be myself without knowing I will have to take inyections for the rest of my life, without knowing I will have to pay thousands to feel good in my own skin. Why do cis people just get this for free? I really don't get it, maybe that's why I feel it is a curse. And I know I should be proud to be trans, but I really I'm not. In any opportunity I would choose to be amab, I would give anything. This is too much to digest so I don't spect anyone actually reading this but if someone did and that someone has like, advice to stop feeling/cope with this feelings I would appreciate it a lot.

chapter one

It is 6:26 in the evening. Around this time I like to pull out my journal, walk to the porthole window on my side, sit down, and write as the sun begins to set on Lisbon. My journal is an Ukiyo Grid fifty sheeter with a nurse coat white cover and black Japanese kanji that spells out うきよ グリッド (Ukiyo Grid). A wrapped bundle of four journals with technical pens were awaiting me on a walnut ash solid wood desk when I arrived at this apartment three weeks ago. Look in them and you will find entries for everyday since the beginning. This new life is so interesting to me and I find it pointless to keep thoughts bottled up inside and since I have no one to talk to, writing helps the time go by. Some days I will write for hours.
On Tuesday mornings, I attend "Participant Tapestry" from nine to ten, followed by a "Synaptic Bloom" session until half past eleven. Thursdays are dedicated to "Empathy Assimilation" cycles. From eleven to noon my task is to log learned data from my sessions into the GLiPH pad (Global Interface for Personal Handwriting).
My primary function is to serve as a healing conduit to four individuals experiencing ongoing building trauma from the 2033 earthquake that woke up the entire city while simultaneously putting seven thousand, one hundred forty-two to indefinite rest. Each of the four individuals will stay in the respective living quarters on the other side of me, for one month at a time. The first arrives in two weeks, one year to the day of the tragedy.Though, had it not been for you, I would have sat here for another two weeks waiting, alone and isolated.
I’m not sure I would classify my actions as spying because I had innocently been staring out of the window, as I always do, like any of you do, when a flutter from your direction suddenly snagged my gaze.
Peering through my porthole window, I marveled at loose papers doing backflips and pirouetting in the air before gently falling to the ground. A swaying fixture of light bulbs swayed back and forth on their cords creating dramatic shadows on the tall walls of your kitchen. One bulb had been shattered and appeared sharp like a shark's rack of teeth.
In the midst of the chaotic scene, you emerged into view through the window. You had on a mangled and loose white t-shirt that looked as though you had been in a fight. The other man with you had on a black denim jacket. For all intents and purposes, his name shall be “Jacket”.
At my computation you both stood at about the same height, however, mass wise, you two are different. Jacket’s arms were bulging even through the denim. You stood in front of each other shouting into the other’s face, both wide-armed in an attempt to make yourselves big and authoritative.
I want to know what he said that caused you to become small. Your lips came together as Jacket’s lips raged on. Your shoulders slouched forward while your neck and head dropped. Your defeated posture tells stories of past and impending loss. I want to give you a long hug. Your jet black hair was tied up and your beard was shiny and tear-sloppy.
Eventually, Jacket stopped shouting and stood in position, quiet and staring up at the swinging pendulum.
A moment later, Jacket lifted his hands upward and cradled either side of your scruffy face. As he did this he began mouthing words. I am advanced but lip reading is one thing I am not capable of.
You hastily wiped Jacket’s hands off of your face as if you had had enough. You turned away from Jacket and sat down at the table. Is this where you both had shared your meals together? You lowered your head onto the top of your hands and stared longingly out of the window.
Jacket disappeared into the expansive abyss and a second later lights illuminated under a dome stretch of skylight glass.
Shuddering breaths escaped your lips, your cheeks quivering with each sharp inhale. At one moment, you got up and began picking up and pushing in chairs with seemingly trembling hands. You began a series of anxious tasks such as stacking plates and arranging objects most-likely to ease the pain that was burning inside of you. This front row seat to the raw emotions unleashed during this conflict made for a captivating study. Your behavior is particularly intriguing, leaving me yearning to understand the story behind the pain.
With a duffle bag and a backpack in tow, Jacket came back into the dimly lit kitchen. As he struck his arm down firmly, his mouth began to run, as if he was trying to quickly make a point. With the message received yet not accepted, you paused for a moment, proceeded to pick up a small potted plant sitting on the table and chucked it with force towards the open space on the ground in between the both of you. Humiliated, hysterical and sobbing, you sat back down at the table. Jacket took one final look at you, shook his head and walked out of the room with his bags, leaving you alone to pick up the pieces and the mess strewn all over the apartment.
A second later all of the windows in your place went from illuminated to black. And just like that, the chaos had come to an end.
I simply cannot accept this ending. There has got to be more. I am helplessly glued to this apartment in the same way you are glued to yours and the memories inside of it. My desire to reach out is genuine. You need solace in this time of pain. I want to learn you and help you navigate these troubled waters. After all, empathy is born from understanding, and I genuinely wish to see you heal. The sight of you wiping away tears ignites a desire to offer comfort.Let this twenty-first day of my new life mark the first day I discovered you. I will employ this companion drone to bridge the gap between us. For now, a silent observer I will be with a presence as light and maneuverable as a hummingbird.

So it all started three months ago after being sick with something and had a bad cough (didn’t test positive for flu/covid) where I would get this palpitation like sensation along my left breastbone and naturally I thought I was seconds away from dying. And over time it’s become more so on the right side and when I carry things I feel as if something is pulling on the right side of my chest. Also get lesser back pain from time to time.lots of clicking and popping on a foam roller sometimes breathing in I get pops in my back and sternum. Sometimes left shoulder pain and a stiff neck. Ive also noticed when I touch my chest it calms me in a way but that might just be a tick I’ve developed. I’ve had a cardiology workup 4-5 ekgs, echo,stress echo, carotid ultrasound, ultrasound of all arteries in arms and legs and a Chest xray all found nothing. GP sent me to physical therapy and he thinks I may have a trapped nerve. I guess what I’m asking is does this sound like Costo to you guys and I’m also anxious if I should get more cardiac tests.

Ive got a full cart and an itchy credit card finger. The cremes look lovely in the swatches, just wondering what everyones experiences with them are? Im also in pursuit of the perfect topcoat since Holo Tacos Super Glossy was discontinued and just seem perpetually disappointed, won't hurt I suppose to put one in my cart and give it a try, but wondering what my fellow lacquer-a-holics think. Ive had most of my topcoats of late leave me underwhelmed, and for some reason a ton of them seem too soft, if that makes any sense? To the point where two days later I can easily dent them. I want something that dries quick, gives me a gel like cushiony cover for my color, doesn't dull holo or yellow, and dries really hard. Super Glossy Taco gave me all that but I'm reticent to even use it these days cause I only have the one bottle and Im going to be sad when its gone. Im just looking for perfection, is that too much to ask for?
Ive tried Glisten and Glow, Vibrant Vinyls, Hula something or other from PPU

I think im finally done. It’s too much. All of it. And everyone will be better off. I cause pain and nothing but pain. There is nobody out there who will love me the way I need to be loved. I’m messing up my son. I lost my job and haven’t been able to find a new one. For months. My fiancée told me today that she turned on her Facebook dating profile to “find friends”. I know what that means. I am truly all alone. And I always will be. This hurts too much. Too much to keep going. I’m done. And it will be better this way.

I normally don’t post here because I just like to read the posts. But it’s come down to this due to a shitty situation that my fiancé is in that I have been dragged into (not her fault).
Anyways, I got offered a really good job offer in a town that was an hour from my hometown. I didn’t want to do the drive back and forth due to it being the grave shift. My fiancé lived in the town where I got the job offer so she offered for me to stay there at the place with her. She had a roommate and she ended up talking to her and asking her if it was okay for me to stay there until their lease is up (it’s up in August of this year, I moved in in January). The roommate agreed that it was fine and she had no issues with it. She said she liked me as a person and I was always really kind to her when I would come hang out with my fiancé.
The first three months were fine. No issues, no fighting, no arguments, nothing. I didn’t really see much of the roommate due to me working the grave shift so I never came into contact with her unless she was off when I had off days (which were rare). So I’d go to work come home sleep and then go back to work that night and so on so forth. One night my fiancé had her best friend over and they did a paint night to unwind after work. They painted in the living room (which is a common space to hang out that’s meant to be lived in). My fiancé accidentally left a small paint brush on the coffee table in the living room. And when I say small, it was literally no bigger than a pencil. Well the roommate texted my fiancé a long detailed paragraph stating that the living room isn’t meant for “personal items” and that it’s “not meant to be lived in” and she “shouldn’t have her stuff out there”. The roommate has her dogs toys all over the floor out there, all her pictures and frames, her alcohol on the floor by the couch, etc. And no, I’m really not exaggerating, that place looked like it was just her place even though both her and my fiancé are on the lease and split the payments. My fiancé “wasn’t allowed” to be in the living room. But the roommate was allowed to have her f*ck buddies over screwing them on the couch when we’re in the next room. It got to the point where we couldn’t ever come out of the room and basically lived in there. We ate, slept, watched tv in my fiancés bedroom. That’s no way to live. And it was all because her roommate got mad about a paint brush.
Anyways, fast forward a few weeks and everything is fine. The roommate didn’t say anything else and both my fiancé and I stayed out of her way. But my fiancé works with her unfortunately so she does have to see her some days. But I avoided her at all costs because I didn’t want to deal with the drama. I have no time for petty stuff like that. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part comes after those weeks that were semi okay. Her roommate ends up calling the landlord and saying she would like me to be added to the lease (even though in the beginning she never asked me to be added and I offered many times to pay rent and she declined it) but I would do other things like put $500 worth of food in the house (that she would eat in less than two weeks) and pay for the WiFi (that she had everything hooked up to). And even went as far as cleaning her dirty dishes, cleaning the fridge out that had her moldy food in it from months back and cleaning the dog shit off the porch from her dog that she left sit there for weeks on end. Not including taking out the 40 trash bags that she left on the porch all piled up and smelling like shit. And yes, it was 40 bags. I didn’t complain about it. I just did it and left it at that. Well she went into another detailed message to my fiancé saying that “we don’t clean up after ourselves” and “I have to clean up all your trash” etc etc. No, she doesn’t. And she hasn’t. I’m a very OCD person. I’m a germaphobe as well and I hate when things are dirty. I always clean up after myself. There’s never been a time when I didn’t. Anyways, my fiancé told her all that I’ve done to keep the place clean for them and how much I have helped and her roommate got pissed off and went on saying that if I don’t start halfing the rent with them that I can get out. And then said that my cat can’t stay (my cat is a ESA, he has doctor signed papers stating that he’s allowed to be with me and I don’t have to pay anything to have him places. The roommate didn’t know that he was an ESA and got mad that she couldn’t throw my cat out bc of it). The landlord ended up calling my fiancé (because she loves her) and told her what the roommate was trying to do. So my fiancé and I both went to meet the landlord to talk to her. Her landlord said that she didn’t mind me being there, she knew I was there and she said I never started any issues. According to the rules they don’t have a limit on how long guests can stay like some places. The landlord went on to say how the roommates old boyfriend stayed there for a whole year and that my fiancé had no issues with it (which she didn’t). And he didn’t do half of what I do around the place. The roommates current bf also stays long periods of time too. To which my fiancé didn’t care. Why would she? He didn’t cause any issues just like I haven’t. I literally barely spoke to her. I never really seen her. I didn’t do anything to make her angry at me. The people that know me know that I would never do anything to hurt anyone or upset them. I’m literally the nicest person someone will ever meet. Anyways, the landlord said that unfortunately since I wasn’t on the lease that if the roommate wanted me added I’d have to be added. That’s okay, I was fine with that. Well my fiancé told the roommate the next day that we could add me and she said “nah, I don’t want him added now. I want him out by May 1st or I’m calling the cops”. It was April 25th when she told us this. So I had less than a week to find a new place and leave. Unfortunately I had no choice bc I wasn’t on the lease and if I stayed she could call the cops and have me removed from the apartment. I didn’t want that on my public record so I ended up moving back to my home town and luckily found a two bed house for a decent price. My fiancé who said she would never move to my hometown ended up moving with me. So she’s paying rent here and there as well.
What I need advice on after this long story and yes I know it’s long but it needed to be said. But what I need advice on is, I was planning on paying the $2,200 left on the rent for the two months that’s left on the lease to help my fiancé so she doesn’t have to pay it. That way she doesn’t have to pay the rent anymore and can pay rent with me down here (which is way cheaper). The roommate stated that if we prorate the $2,200 that she would release my fiancé from the lease by signing the release form that the landlord gave her. Well, I prorated the rent and she still hasn’t signed the form. She stated it’s bc “you left trash in the room that needs to be taken out”. There’s nothing left in there that belongs to my fiancé literally nothing at all. She still hasn’t signed the form and has been ignoring my fiancé. We have tried to ask the landlord but unfortunately she can’t do anything. What I’m asking is, should I just go get my check back and should my fiancé just not pay her? I know that would be so shitty to do but at this point she’s left us no choice and no other options. She won’t work with us, she’s very rude and inconsiderate and hates us for literally no reason. Is there anything that I can do? If she just doesn’t pay will she get in trouble? A friend of mine that I work with (who is also a landlord as well) told me that if my fiancé just leaves that the rest of the rent would fall on the roommate. She’s had it happen before at the places she rents out. Is that true? I really don’t want her to be in this situation anymore. It’s stressing both of us out and ultimately making us anxious, upset and angry just thinking about it. We are planning our wedding and just moved into this new place and would like to enjoy doing that instead of dealing with this. I just need opinions and options or advice on what to do. Anything helps really. Thank you for all who have read this.

I am 21 and my boyfriend is 23. I got pregnant a month after dating and found out we're having a boy. He wanted a boy because he has all nieces and I wanted a girl because I have all nephews. But I am happy with a boy so hopefully if I decide to have another baby and it's a girl, she has a protector. But after this experience, I'm not sure if I want another baby. My hospital will not allow a vaginal delivery after a c section. I was always worried and emotional during pregnancy but very healthy and baby is very healthy. My water broke at 39 weeks and 4 days. I had contractions and got an epidural but had to get pitocin because I wasn't dilating past 4cm. Baby's pulse kept dropping because of pitocin. So I had to have a c section. I was really scared and still depressed about it. Recovery has been really hard. I've never had a surgery and I wanted to deliver vaginally for a faster and easier recovery. My arms were spread out like a starfish. I felt my guts being rearranged but no pain. I was puking. Very tired and scared. It's wasn't an emergency c section so my boyfriend got to be by my side. He was very worried about me. Baby was born and of course I didn't get to see him or have skin to skin right away. Dad got to see him first. I have been struggling with breast feeding. So everything has been really discouraging and hard for me. I've cried so many times because having a c section has really messed with my mental health. I try to do as much as I can with my baby but I'm still recovering so it's hard. I can't do much. Well, baby ALWAYS calms down when dad holds him. Baby smiles at his dad and just stares at him. But when I hold baby, he doesn't smile. He is fine for a little bit, than cries. Dad takes him and he's fine. So not only am I in pain and in recovery, but my baby doesn't like me. I don't know how to cope. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. My boyfriend is always correcting me. Which is with good reason because I'm a little retarded. I know this but it still hurts. My boyfriend calls me retarded and says he's joking but I know it's true. For example, I got a bottle ready and took the nipple out of the paper and he asked why I did that because it was just going to get hair or dust on it. So I had to go wash it. Now, my boyfriend is amazing. So loving, supportive and understanding. He has helped me through all my cries. He has helped me with everything in my recovery. He's an amazing father. He always knows what to do with baby. He guides me on doing things. Pretty much everything. But I'm always doing SOMETHING wrong. Maybe he just likes dad more because dad does more with him than I do. Because I can't do as much as dad can. But I'm just so depressed from all of this. Everything is so discouraging and hard. I don't have negative feelings about my baby. I'm just sad. Dad has me do the things he doesn't wanna do and of course baby doesn't like. Like changing clothes and burping. He's scared of hurting baby doing these things. I burp baby by putting my hand under his chin, rocking and patting. I've had trouble swaddling and caring for circumcision but my partner picked them up right away. He told me they showed us at the hospital and asked if I was even paying attention. And I said of course I was trying to but I have been sleep deprived, depressed, and in pain so it was hard paying attention. It's not like I was trying to ignore these things on purpose. It was just hard staying awake and fighting through pain. I just feel absolutely dumb and hopeless. I feel useless. And I don't know what to do to fix my relationship with my baby. He's everything to me. He's the cutest and sweetest baby ever. He's my baby. But sometimes I wonder if he even knows I'm his mom. Cause he's happy with anyone holding him but when his dad holds him, he's the most happiest in the world. I'm hoping it'll improve once I recover because I'll be staying home with him and doing everything instead of dad doing everything. But I'm just very emotional right now. I'm trying to do everything I can do. But I don't want to overdo it. My partner thinks I overdo it because he says I need to ask for help because I don't always want to. Because I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm just very lost..... :(

Hello! Lately I've been frustrated right now. So let's get into details, shall we? Okay, so I have a brother. He's just a wicked monster around my house and likes to be a controlling witch (he wants everyone to do it in his ways). He's just a douchebag because he demeans his wife whenever they get into arguments. He ALWAYS make me cry, even for no reasons at all. We used to be best friends and stick up for eachother...way until our teenage years. He would always bully me and mock me whenever his opportunity knocks. It really hurted me.
When him and his wife got married, it seems like they rule the house, but no, my mom is the leader of my house. What makes him a leader? Nothing. He ALWAYS act like one. A bad leader. He doesn't know how to lead. He's very bossy. I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE THE LEADERS OF MY HOUSE. Whenever the mishaps happen, he would go berserk like, "that's RIDICULOUS", "NOBODY EVEN FUCKING LISTENS!" and etc. I'd always get anxious about him screaming at me or smth... My mother hopes he'll change, it's unlikely he'll ever change at all. She would always see the good in people.
So a few days ago while I was making dinner, my brother got upset that he told me "You should've made it on time. I'm literally going to be home. I'm done with your shit." I hate the way he talks to me. It as seems like he has no filter and is very harsh toning. His voice is like a fucking screaming banshee. Then my mother and him were arguing about the dinner. He said to her "you GUYS SHOULD'VE DONE THIS AHEAD OF TIME." and my mom retorted "Grandma's home too. She can do the ribs!" I started crying while hearing them arguing from upstairs. I know I let everything get to me. I shouldn't been so sensitive over it. I can't even stand up for myself because I'm really bad at dealing situations like this... I struggle with setting boundaries with him...
One time when I was dehydrated and I didn't want to go downstairs, he scolded me saying "Are you THAT fucking lazy?". It made me feel hurt that I kept reminiscing about it for a couple days. I had to hold it in while getting my water then when I got to my room, I let it all out. He has a lot of narcissistic tendencies that caused my family to go on long arguments. His go-to motto is "My way or the highway".
I wish he would move out of my house with his wife. If he and I weren't relatives, we wouldn't be friends at all, or if we were friends/in a relationship, I would've gotten out of it cuz of how malicious and cruel he is. I told my mom about my hostile thoughts about him, she told me to stop and they are just my thoughts. Like WHAT? She'd bring up "What if something bad happens to your brother? Would you feel sad about him?" Of course I would be because I have a heart. She doesn't want to hear about cuz she loves my brother so much (same as me, no favoritism). She really wants me and my brother to patch things up, but however, she agrees with me about her not liking his personality and such.
I just know my dad and brother are monsters inside, but guess what? I'm turning into one too. My mom said they walk on eggshells on me cuz of my attitude and behavior towards people. Like if they want me to do something, I'd get upset about it or smth. And I'd do everything I want to do, regardless if anyone doesn't want me to do it or not. I treat my sister-in-law like shit cuz life isn't easy. She ALWAYS gossip, especially telling my brother about what I did. My mom told me I have authority complex, meaning if she wants to do something with me, I'd say no and get to decide. She's my caretaker (I'm autistic, don't @ me 🫤). I'm acting like I'm a 10 year old child inside of me when I'm currently a young adult. Sometimes I feel inferior inside. I'm probably in my unhealthy state right now. I want to change, but it's hard and I'm not even motivated to do it...
tl;dr - My brother is a freak and I'm always frustrated

Hey there!
I hope you all are doing well. This is just a random 24 y/o (F) who feels like she is emptier than vaccum now. Idk why life feels so exhausting. My thoughts keep on spiraling over situations i am dealing with currently and i feel worried about the future. I am an MBA Aspirant, always into good acads but my family is so used-to me scoring good that it's a normal for them. I haven't really had girls i could gel up with. They came when they needed help or guidance over something and then it was a series on unread messages for me when it came to meet-ups. I always take efforts when it comes to keeping the friendship alive, meeting, planning things but they're always brushed off by making any random excuse. What hurts the most is that they don't even reply back so i focus back on studying.
Then my apparent boyfriend (24 M) also has this avoidant behaviour and things feel one-sided now. His sentence that "i need to be selfish when it comes to acads" gets me everytime. Because me. Being an absolute idiot was ready to shift cities when it came to chosing a uni but he had his "selfish" criteria. Funny thing. The reality is boyfriends come and go but we, girls, need a bunch of supportive friends who are there through thick & thin. Do not leave us stranded. But, that's not the case here.
I thought of having a work bestie but what a huge disappointment it was! Toxic manager who used to load me with work with just a 10k salary. Her sister going in and out of office according to her will but i couldn't leave without permission. And when i finally resigned, the directors were "sad because they lost their valuable employee who did work of 3 people" with zero increments.
At this point, i feel i am complaining. But i feel utter sense of having nothing likeable in me as if i have no personality of my own. How can i not resonate with anyone? And most importantly, how do i get out of these obsessive thoughts which are constantly reminding me of bad things? People only come to me cause they know i am an easy access and i will personally make sure that i help them.in some way. Is it good or degradingly bad?
I honestly don't know what to do in lofe anymore. Everything feels so directionless.

I have pitting edema in both ankles, by the bones in the ankles , and mildly on lower shins, and I think very mildly on my middle back only where my spine is (it goes away quick) . Don’t know if I’m pressing too hard
I am 28F, 110 lbs, 4’11 No diabetes, Never diagnosed with lung issues, Have kidney stones but my kidney function has been good, Never diagnosed with heart issues. (I had an EKG a year ago and it was normal if that means anything)
I clean houses for a living, Not everyday but several times a week. Sometimes I’m moving on my feet for up to 2-3 hours. I take short breaks sitting.
The pitting is in the area where my ankle bones are, on each side of both of my ankles. My legs don’t hurt They’re also not super swollen , but swollen
I don’t have any chest pain, Don’t really have shortness of breath other than our AC is out and it’s very humid in Florida right now, so it’s a little stuffy. Sometimes when exercising or working I get more short of breath but it’s usually if I’m nonstop
What could be causing this and do I need to go to the ER?
The pitting is still there but it has gotten slightly better. It’s not super deep, but it can take up to a minute to go away I first noticed it within the past couple months or less I am most worried about congestive heart failure
I have a pic of one of my ankles with the pitting in the comments

I think I have a vaguely exposed tooth root? if that's possible, I am not 100% sure tbh, its as if below my lower jaw there is a part of tooth vaguely poking out and it feels like its coming out of one of my tooth so i assume it would be that? it's something that I've noticed a while ago, and just never paid it any attention because it never caused me any discomfort or pain but few days ago it started to hurt, not per se all the time but when I eat it and it touches the spot it hurts or certain mouth movements and it doesn't seem to go away, maybe it changed and started to pain because ive had braces past months? but either way what's the usual fix for this? I don't know if this is something I need to go to a regular dentist to or if there is some more specific place that deals with this + if it's something I should get fixed urgently?
I am asking here because I couldn't really find much information about this, any advice would be aprecciated!

If I see the ex, I begin to shake, my heart rate increases greatly, and I can't calm down for a while after she has left my vicinity. I constantly feel overwhelmed by my hatred toward her, as she was very detrimental for my partner's mental health. My partner has no interest in her anymore, but keeps pictures of her in their camera roll. My partner keeps all pictures of them ever taken, mostly selfies and series of photos with just the ex. I can understand keeping group photos, but I do not understand keeping a couple hundred candid photos of the ex. This leads me to spiral and feel overwhelmed with jealousy because I assume they keep the photos because they still like to see pictures of the ex, or that they still are attracted to the ex. I don't want to tell my partner that the photos make me jealous as I do not want to be a controlling girlfriend who makes them feel like they have to delete these photos just to keep me happy. I also do not want them to know that seeing the ex causes panic attacks for me, as I do not want to seem obsessive or weak. Due to social circles, my partner and I see the ex often.
I have expressed to my partner that seeing the ex causes anxiety and anger in me, as it stresses me to see someone (the ex) who has hurt the person I care most about (my partner). My partner was attentive to my feelings and comforted me through hugs but did not say anything about what I had said. We were going to head to a social function where the ex was, but after I expressed these feelings, my partner decided that we shouldn't go. I don't want to stop my partner from going to places just because I am sensitive though! And I feel guilty that I changed their mind about going.
I have also expressed to them that I do not understand how keeping the pictures of the ex does not bother them. They said it was because they are comfortable with the relationship not existing, and it doesn't bother them. However, they were hung up on the ex for two years and even though I trust and believe them, illogically I still feel as though they are attracted to the ex and like seeing pictures of them.
I'm not sure how to re-approach this with my partner or if I should at all. I feel like I need to hear them to directly say that they are not attracted to the ex, and to put the majority of their photos of her in a hidden folder or deleted. But I don't know if that would be unreasonable? I feel crazy and controlling and I don't like these feelings one bit. Should I bring these feelings up? And if so, how can I without putting my partner in an uncomfortable position?

Can I ask for some advice about something? What would you do if you are in my place. my best friend let's call her Ruby. Ruby moved about two years ago now, she was going to come back and visit for graduation week and wanted the friend group to hang out like we used to, when i told her i didn't believe it would be possible she has continued to push for us to all hang out. I finally told her the reason that it would not work out she completely ignored me. Now the reason the friend group hanging like we used to won't work out is because this ex friend of mine who I'll call cici randomly after a school essay I wrote quite talking to me and started to spread rumors about me the essay was supposed to carry so sort of theme that means somthing to us so I wrote mine on how it can feel to be in the middle of a friend group that is arguing and not knowing what to do. I will copy and past the essay below the rest of the story. After I turn the essay in cici somehow gets a hold of it and spins it to sound like I'm attacking her and im bullying her and so for the month of February everyone ignores me which really hurt because I had no idea why as they just on day started to ignore me it also was my birthday that month and I had no one to share it with. After a while lila,Taylor and Sara realize what happened and apologized for what they did and I quite trying to communicate with cici. After I quite reaching out to her and trying to protect a dying fire my mental health improves to a point where not only I noticed but my teachers noticed also. Back to my earlier topic I told ruby that I refuse to hang out with cici because she has been treating me like shit and my parents won't even let me see/talk to her outside a school sanctioned event because at are very last sleep over before she she started to ignore me almost ended with me In the hospital because her brother threatened me with a knife and their dog attacked me because i used self defense to get the knife from her brother. During this sleepover cici's parents were awar of what happened and didn't tell my mom so after that I wasn't allowed back to their house. Even after all that I still tried to keep that friendship alive if not only because I cared for cici but also for ruby. Still despite all these reasons ruby refused to split her time between us and Is no longer coming. AITAH for refusing to hang out with someone who has betrayed my trust and put me in a dangerous situation just because my friend who moved away wants us to hang out together?
Here is the essay
Just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand. A few days after spring break in 8th grade my friend Cici started hanging out with a girl that the rest of our friend group doesn’t like because she is mean and rude. So we told her what we thought of this girl and that she could hang out with her but we didn’t want to be near a person like that, however Cici did not listen and kept inviting her to hang out with us. My other friend Sara was starting to get really upset because this girl was calling her names and bullying her. This same girl had also left intentional bruises on my body because I told her I already had a partner in pe. Finally, after months and months of off and on fighting it was the last day of school. Sara had finally had enough of how the girl had treated us and snapped as she listed off all the hateful and violent things that this girl had done to me, Lila, Ruby some of our other friends. The girl then started to ball saying how all of us are liars and cici shouldn'tlisten to us about anything that we say. During this entire situation I stayed quiet and listened to what the others had to say, because I wanted to say something but didn't know what to say to fix the situation.For weeks after that cici and sara refused to talk to each other, until I finally managed to get them to both apologize. Then for a while after that everything seemed good. A new girl who I will call Tyler moved to town and we basically absorbed her into the friend group. Things were going well until about four weeks into our ninth grade year. Sara started to be exceedingly hostile the rude girl Cici had been hanging out with sense last year, Which caused fighting to break out. So then Sara started to distance herself from us to hang out with a guy who i also used to consider a friend i will call him jem. Now the reasonme and jem are no longer friendsis becausehe told my to off myself several times over the course of about two months.So as they are hanging out jem is also constantly flirting with her, so we make a joke that they were dating. This caused sara to explode at everyone in the group chat. When she texted in the group chat she directed all of the texts about it to Cici and when I confessed that it was me who was made and the joke she proceeded to say that it was Cici’s fault and that it “ IS NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT!! You know what I think of rumors and dating.” We all replied saying it didn't mean for it to be a big deal and we weren't making fun of her that it was only a joke. Sara proceeded to snap back “If we are in relationships with guys, it's not something to joke about. When other people believe it, then it's too much.” So in response Ruby answered with “You literally would make fun of me and my old boyfriend tim back when we were dating.” Then Lila added, “Yeah you make me feel like crap about me and Carl all the time and guess what you coming after Cici being a jerk to Cici for everything saying that everything that everything the "rude girl" knows and does is because of her. There's also the fact that when you tease and make fun of us we are supposed to deal with it, but when we do it to you we are rude horrible people." Sara’s only response to that was “You guys never said that you weren't ok with it. You just need to tell us, and we will stop. No one ever said anything, so we thought it was ok.” I responded with “who is the we in this situation, because I told people to stop when they crossed a boundary and that one of the only people who never listened or apologized for it was lila. I haven't even taken anybody's side throughout this whole situation” after I say this, Sara goes off again. “I'm done ok. Just leave me out of all this. Be your own friend group. I'll be a singular person, and then I won't have to be a burden to anyone. Sorry I was such a bad friend. Also I don't want any pity.” At this point everyone is annoyed and tired of this situation so Ruby speaks up again telling Sara that she is not the main character and to grow up, and that she started it. After this Sara separates herself from us and as a week turns to two weeks then two weeks turns into a month. Between all of the fighting, homework, sports, and everyday stress I start to become irritable and snappy because no matter how much I try to stay neutral to keep peace, Sara and Cici are always fighting. So one time when the fighting over text picks up again I end up snapping at my family and yelling something at them that everyone would probably be happier if i just died. The next day I tried to act like everything was fine. I ended up making it until PE where I ended up breaking down infront of my teacher and skipping school for the rest of the day in the office crying my eyes out to the guidance counselor. I told her everything that happened and that sometimes when I tell my friends things I don't like or feel comfortable with, they sometimes will forget or ignore what i say. Which always makes me angry or sad because I always take the time to understand and respect my friends boundaries. that's when I realized that just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand. Despite that fact I will always respect others boundaries even if they don’t respect mine and I will always remind others of my boundaries or distance myself from them. Just because your friends are friends doesn’t mean they will always understand and just because you can/want to say or do something hurtful doesn’t mean that you should. Know where to darw the line.

chapter one

It is 6:26 in the evening. Around this time I like to pull out my journal, walk to the porthole window on my side, sit down, and write as the sun begins to set on Lisbon. My journal is an Ukiyo Grid fifty sheeter with a nurse coat white cover and black Japanese kanji that spells out うきよ グリッド (Ukiyo Grid). A wrapped bundle of four journals with technical pens were awaiting me on a walnut ash solid wood desk when I arrived at this apartment three weeks ago. Look in them and you will find entries for everyday since the beginning. This new life is so interesting to me and I find it pointless to keep thoughts bottled up inside and since I have no one to talk to, writing helps the time go by. Some days I will write for hours.
On Tuesday mornings, I attend "Participant Tapestry" from nine to ten, followed by a "Synaptic Bloom" session until half past eleven. Thursdays are dedicated to "Empathy Assimilation" cycles. From eleven to noon my task is to log learned data from my sessions into the GLiPH pad (Global Interface for Personal Handwriting).
My primary function is to serve as a healing conduit to four individuals experiencing ongoing building trauma from the 2033 earthquake that woke up the entire city while simultaneously putting seven thousand, one hundred forty-two to indefinite rest. Each of the four individuals will stay in the respective living quarters on the other side of me, for one month at a time. The first arrives in two weeks, one year to the day of the tragedy.Though, had it not been for you, I would have sat here for another two weeks waiting, alone and isolated.
I’m not sure I would classify my actions as spying because I had innocently been staring out of the window, as I always do, like any of you do, when a flutter from your direction suddenly snagged my gaze.
Peering through my porthole window, I marveled at loose papers doing backflips and pirouetting in the air before gently falling to the ground. A swaying fixture of light bulbs swayed back and forth on their cords creating dramatic shadows on the tall walls of your kitchen. One bulb had been shattered and appeared sharp like a shark's rack of teeth.
In the midst of the chaotic scene, you emerged into view through the window. You had on a mangled and loose white t-shirt that looked as though you had been in a fight. The other man with you had on a black denim jacket. For all intents and purposes, his name shall be “Jacket”.
At my computation you both stood at about the same height, however, mass wise, you two are different. Jacket’s arms were bulging even through the denim. You stood in front of each other shouting into the other’s face, both wide-armed in an attempt to make yourselves big and authoritative.
I want to know what he said that caused you to become small. Your lips came together as Jacket’s lips raged on. Your shoulders slouched forward while your neck and head dropped. Your defeated posture tells stories of past and impending loss. I want to give you a long hug. Your jet black hair was tied up and your beard was shiny and tear-sloppy.
Eventually, Jacket stopped shouting and stood in position, quiet and staring up at the swinging pendulum.
A moment later, Jacket lifted his hands upward and cradled either side of your scruffy face. As he did this he began mouthing words. I am advanced but lip reading is one thing I am not capable of.
You hastily wiped Jacket’s hands off of your face as if you had had enough. You turned away from Jacket and sat down at the table. Is this where you both had shared your meals together? You lowered your head onto the top of your hands and stared longingly out of the window.
Jacket disappeared into the expansive abyss and a second later lights illuminated under a dome stretch of skylight glass.
Shuddering breaths escaped your lips, your cheeks quivering with each sharp inhale. At one moment, you got up and began picking up and pushing in chairs with seemingly trembling hands. You began a series of anxious tasks such as stacking plates and arranging objects most-likely to ease the pain that was burning inside of you. This front row seat to the raw emotions unleashed during this conflict made for a captivating study. Your behavior is particularly intriguing, leaving me yearning to understand the story behind the pain.
With a duffle bag and a backpack in tow, Jacket came back into the dimly lit kitchen. As he struck his arm down firmly, his mouth began to run, as if he was trying to quickly make a point. With the message received yet not accepted, you paused for a moment, proceeded to pick up a small potted plant sitting on the table and chucked it with force towards the open space on the ground in between the both of you. Humiliated, hysterical and sobbing, you sat back down at the table. Jacket took one final look at you, shook his head and walked out of the room with his bags, leaving you alone to pick up the pieces and the mess strewn all over the apartment.
A second later all of the windows in your place went from illuminated to black. And just like that, the chaos had come to an end.
I simply cannot accept this ending. There has got to be more. I am helplessly glued to this apartment in the same way you are glued to yours and the memories inside of it. My desire to reach out is genuine. You need solace in this time of pain. I want to learn you and help you navigate these troubled waters. After all, empathy is born from understanding, and I genuinely wish to see you heal. The sight of you wiping away tears ignites a desire to offer comfort.Let this twenty-first day of my new life mark the first day I discovered you. I will employ this companion drone to bridge the gap between us. For now, a silent observer I will be with a presence as light and maneuverable as a hummingbird.chapter one
It is 6:26 in the evening. Around this time I like to pull out my journal, walk to the porthole window on my side, sit down, and write as the sun begins to set on Lisbon. My journal is an Ukiyo Grid fifty sheeter with a nurse coat white cover and black Japanese kanji that spells out うきよ グリッド (Ukiyo Grid). A wrapped bundle of four journals with technical pens were awaiting me on a walnut ash solid wood desk when I arrived at this apartment three weeks ago. Look in them and you will find entries for everyday since the beginning. This new life is so interesting to me and I find it pointless to keep thoughts bottled up inside and since I have no one to talk to, writing helps the time go by. Some days I will write for hours.

So I figured I'd get on her and speak about what I have learned from testing people and there reactions to the things you do and says,so all my life well since the first time I noticed the reaction of someone from my actions,I have been testing people and seeing how they react to all different things and when they are in different moods,I've set back and stayed quiet and watched the and I have learned how to read everyone, and having this skill is a double edged sword, because there are a lot of people who can't be themselves around me regardless if I tell them I don't care,it's because of the psychological mind block it creates in their minds, when they are trying to play they're made up character they've made themselves out to look like,but when someone knows what they are about, it keeps going through there mind of the fact someone is watching them act and pretend to be this character, so they feel out of place and there could do a lot of different things,but they just need me out of the group,but they have a issue with just asking me to leave, this is their pride and ego narcissist kicking in and they have to do things in ways that make no sense to me and confuse me and make me look like the bad person or anything to cause their fans to dislike me and get me to leave, and this is the ways of a narcissist as most of them are call karans,but not every karan narcissist are the same in there psychological mindset,some karans are created by the effects of the sober mind of a person who are mentally and physically drained in there life and have no patience to anything,but they're stubborn and you can't help them with anything, especially mental strength by meds, you can watch them and see how miserable they are making themselves and everyone in their life,this is because they have a control issue and their way and their minds are so drained and exhausted and they can't think alike with anyone besides those like-minded people,but anyone who suggest meds or anything to help ease there issues of frustration they live with by living with a stubborn mind will be rejected and they will always remain miserable and ridiculous about the way others live there life and what they put in their bodies,lol I'm actually losing my track on this on how best to make people understand this better than I'm doing,lol,but anyway a lot of people need meds and which meds is all based on their actions and feelings with sober mind, everyones brain is created just a little different than the next and some are created way different by undeveloped areas of the brain,while the fetus is growing into the full human,this is a very important time for the mother to be careful and pick and choose how she lives, because of how sensitive the effects of everything may cause issues with the full development of the child's brain and the way there life will become,it's all based on the brain,but nobody will ever be exactly the same in how they think and there personality, so we have all different types of personalities,in the brain your moods you feel are all created by the brain creating different chemicals as we call drugs, so everyone does all different types of drugs everyday created by our brains and those are all the different moods and feels me have,but if your brain doesn't get fully developed to function properly to be able to handle the stress we deal with,as why we have all different medications to help boost that part of the brain and help level the chemicals being created,as Im ADHD and manic bipolar and suffering from bad depression,but it's all up and down and everywhere at times especially without any form of meds and I need strong meds to help level me, but my brain was underdeveloped in a few areas and I just have to help with boosting the dopamine level in my brain and I've been testing all different types of things trying to find a good level of my brains actively so I can function and relax, without any medication I lose all abilities,I can't think or function for weeks and sleep none stop,I lose all control of self control and my brain craves dopamine as it can't create the right amount to my me function normally,that is a effect when I was a fetus and something stopped the development of that area of my brain and few other areas that cause my depression and mood swings,my mother smoked marijuana and cigarettes while pregnant with me,so was this the thing that caused me to have these issues,idk but very possible by the way thc and nicotine effect the brain when in the system, the dopamine slows down and you because lost in confusion while getting hungry and giggly and I feel that way when I'm sober,but with a addition of feeling drunk and not giving a fuck and real social, but it never level and longer I am without the medications,my brain speeds up and I get more and more anxious and need to go go and do something or anything but I have zero interest in anything and I just pace the floor and call everybody and i never get any relief,even when I sleep I don't sleep and I wake up exhausted with my mind racing,I feel like I'm trapped in my misery and can't get out,the medications help relive it all and I feel alive relaxed and comfortable with good motivation to get things done, this is just my example of how the brain needs drugs and why people need meds and truth is everyone has the ability to understand why people do the things they do and why they feel the way they feel,but it's all based on brain development before birth, you can cause the issue with your brain by hitting your head and over dosing yourself with basically anything and hurt the function of your brain. There's people who's will be a totally different person with certain medications,but overall the personality is all based on the brains development before birth. So I've just confused myself from the point of understanding for you by what I am saying,lol I just know I was all over the place writing this, but it is all good to know about regardless and I will be back to write a lot more.🫣😊

We have been together since 4 years and I just saw that he commented on a post that asked : if you have the choice to save 2 what would you pick ? The options were mother , girlfriend, your kid and 20M $ , my bf picked his mom and 20M $ . I wouldn’t fuss about it if he didn’t have a history of letting me know that he would always choose money over me if he has the choice but he made it clear many times.
I understand that financial stability is important , but he doesn’t even know how to manage his money that well and borrows a lot from me (he gives it back ofc). So I don’t understand the obsession over money. I’ve asked him sometimes if he would be willing to lose me forever for 10 000 $ and he replies yes. I try to tell him that it’s a bit hurtful and weird in my opinion it’s so toxic . but he claps back saying that I never worked once in my life and that I wouldn’t understand.
It’s true we come from a different background thankfully my parents help me a lot . Him on the other hand he has to work to take care of himself and also his family back in is hometown. I try to be really understanding but it doesn’t make sense to me to be able to put money before a person who truly loves and support you . Money comes and goes right? If you lose some u can always gain it back but a genuine partner who loves you is so special nowadays and I feel like he doesn’t really see how lucky he is to be with me ( in the most humble way possible btw) .
He recently got a job at Sephora as a security agent. I was a bit nervous about it because he will be surrounded by women and he hasn’t always been honest about stuff. But I didn’t cause an argument and I accepted his choice and recently he told me that he needs to go back to his house and that he can’t live with me anymore because the Sephora shop is closer to his house. I got mad because he didn’t tell me about it sooner . Hell we were at the restaurant yesterday he talked about it he saw that my mood was shifting a bit so he said that he’s joking and that he won’t leave . As soon as we arrived home he came and told me that he needs to leave and I was so confused it didn’t sit right with me the whole process of letting me know about it. I got mad and again he called me selfish and told me that I wouldn’t understand cause I don’t have a family to take care of . I don’t know what do do anymore this makes me question everything. Is it normal to prioritize money that much?
TL;DR: My boyfriend commented on a post asking which two he’d save: mother, girlfriend , kid, or $20M. He chose his mom and the money. He has a history of saying he’d choose money over me, which hurts since he often borrows from me. I understand his financial background is different from mine, but his obsession with money feels toxic. He recently got a job at Sephora and decided to move back home without properly discussing it with me, saying it’s closer to work. This, along with his dismissive attitude towards my feelings, makes me question our relationship and whether it’s normal to prioritize money this much.

I'll condense the situation as best as I can.
Me and her were together for 5 years. We lived together most of that time moving in with eachother at about a year in.
Things were amazing for so long I realized I didn't want to spend my life without her so I proposed about 11 months ago. She said yes we were both very happy with the situation. As far as I knew.
Around 6 months ago things started to feel off. She fell asleep on her phone one night I went to put it on the charger and take off her glasses when I noticed snapchats from guys I didn't know.
I saw compliments going both ways and flirty behavior and messages. I confronted her about them that night. She got angry with me for it and promised we'd talk in the morning. She ended up blowing it off saying she didn't know he was flirting. Blocked him and said that was the end of it.
A week goes by I still am worried but she assures me it was done. I end up seeing worse things on her phone.
She grew more distant started going out to clubs more. Spending less time on us. Getting mad at me and blaming for starting fights about the topic.
It got worse it turned into pictures and more lies. She'd tell me she'd change and it would never happen again and I kept believing it cause I wanted it so badly to be true. Things got worse.
5 months of lies and I finally couldn't take it anymore. I got tired of sharing my fears and concerns to her about it because she never changed or did anything to stop it or truly comfort me or be a partner like we were for so long.
There was a lot of bad times. She manipulated me. Made me out to the problem. Lashed out at me when I had a shred of doubt in her words or actions.
She ended up talking sending explicit pictures to my uncle. Co workers. Many different people in my small town and surrounding areas.
I finally realized I couldn't trust her. I finally ended it all for good after the 10th or so time she told me she had changed and wanted her life back.
Now I am single. She is living with the first guy she cheated on me with. I just saw them together today at Walmart on her lunch break when I just went there for some groceries.
I'm lost. After being gaslight and manipulated for so long, being lied to and never knowing the truth has taken it's toll on me. I don't know how to move forward with my life. I said what I needed to say to her. Though I know I will never get the answers from her I still crave contact with her but I know it will just end up getting me hurt.
Nonstop lies, manipulation and living with who I now know to be a narcissist has left me rattled, lost, scared, and confused.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated. Maybe just someone who's went through something similar to share the finer details of the situation with would be much appreciated.
Haven't posted much on here. Any big questions or things I may have left out I can answer in DMS or in the comments.

Yes, it’s exactly what you read in the title. I think I have feelings for guy I haven’t met in person. So, a few years ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder. He and I have been messaging each other for a few years on Snapchat until recently. He and I have each other’s social medias, but not one another’s phone numbers.
He and I are close in age,early twenties, and from the same state. He goes to a college a few states away, so we’ve never met in person or when he was back in the same state. In the beginning of the messaging, he and I were consistent with the back and forth. There was flirting, jokes,etc.There were some points where I was more into him and he was more into me, it seemed we were never on the same page. We shared deep personal conversations and light hearted funny conversations. I think he’s really handsome, funny, intelligent, and geeky. And so much more. When I realized my feelings were strong, I tried to make the first move and invite him to my birthday celebration, he respectfully declined and explained that he wouldn’t be able to make it . He had a valid reason, he’s extremely bright(Physics Major, like Math, but Rocket Science) and got into a lab in another state for the summer, great opportunity, so I was very happy for him.
I tried to keep conversations after the fact, but it seems like I just wasn’t clicking with him like I was before. Seems like I was forcing it, and it was very one-sided on my behalf. Having feelings for somebody and having them on all your social media isn’t fun seeing them have fun and just seeing them accomplished things it truly truly makes it harder to keep my feelings to myself. I’m happy for him, but it hurts because I want to be a person that he shares this with.
Me, being states away didn’t help anything it’s not like I would be able to see him or if we pushed the boundary into being something more it would work necessarily. I had hoped though after starting more conversations, yet getting the same results of it feeling like I was bothering him, I kinda just took a break from social media. It’s been roughly 2 months since we’ve spoken. To be honest with you, I think he just forgot about me. Understandably he went to a college that was hours away. He had his friends there. I think his final year of college was this year. He probably even graduated. Which means he’s coming back to our state, his birthday is coming up and I want to spark up conversation by telling him “Happy Birthday” and maybe confessing my feelings to him. If I can’t work up the confidence to confess my feelings, I think I should start by offering my number and seeing where it goes from there? Hopefully, meeting him in person!
He’s a great guy and if being his friend is all I’ll ever be. I’m OK with that. I like having him in my life. He talked me through a lot of things and hopefully it’s the same for him. Any advice?

i never speak to anyone about it because it almost sounds like i’m lying and/or exaggerating(maybe just some excuse i made up in my head to make me feel better about ignoring it) but In the span of 3 years i lost the my grandmother, my grandfather, my dad, my childhood bestfriend, a very close business partner, another close buddy whom which i was getting high with(thats what caused his death which has haunted me), and even more but that was more of just people i knew. idk why i’m even writing this but idk i literally have never spoken of it or dealt with how much it hurts me. i pretty much am void of all emotions other than anger. thanks for coming to my ted talk