Taking clonazepam to sleep after adderall

Trial Day 11
Katherine Jackson, Rebbie and Trent are at court.
Choreographer Travis Payne & Katherine Jackson spoke briefly in the courtroom before the jury came in. They seemed cordial
Travis Payne Testimony
AEG direct
Payne is wearing a black jacket with a gold emblem on the shoulders with the word "MJ" & a pair of wings
Payne said he was concerned about MJ missing rehearsals. He didn't know why he wasn't showing up, but MJ was also working on an album and a book
Payne said he did not think that Jackson had a problem abusing prescription medications. He acknowledged that Jackson missed rehearsals and he saw the singer shivering or appearing cold in some of his final rehearsals
He worked with Jackson beginning in the 1990's and testified that he never saw Jackson drink alcohol or take any medications. Michael also never discussed his medical treatments, Payne said
Payne told the jury he advised MJ he was looking thin.

"Michael said he was 'getting down to my fighting weight', which I took to mean that he was preparing for the performances", Payne testified. "I had no reason to doubt him"

Payne says he was satisfied with the response.
Payne said there was one day (6/19) when MJ was cold. He thought the frustration had him on edge. When Jackson needed to be layered in blankets and required a heater to be comfortable, Payne said, he believed Michael was merely fighting a cold.

"No one else was cold. He had flu-like symptoms"
"Sometimes he was tired and lethargic and had to be, not convinced, but supported throughout rehearsals," Payne recalled

Payne said that in April, May & June, MJ missed 5 rehearsals with the whole group. He said one time Ortega sent Michael home
Bina shows an email from Ortega to Gongaware on Jun 14:

"Were you aware that Michael's doctor didn't permit him to attend rehearsal yesterday? Without invading his privacy, it might be a good idea to talk to his doctor to make sure everything he requires is in place. Who is responsible for Michael getting proper nourishment/vitamins/therapy every day? Personally, I feel he should have a top Nutritionist and Physical Therapist working with him on a regular basis. The demand on this guy is mentally and physically extraordinary! The show requirements exhaust our 20 year olds. Please don't underestimate the need to stay on top of this"

Another part of the same email chain, from Gongaware:

"Frank and I have discussed it already and have requested a face-to-face meeting w/ the doctor... We want to remind him that it's AEG not Michael Jackson who's paying his salary We want him to understand what is expected of him. He has been dodging Frank so far

Payne said his understanding was that AEG was paying Dr. Murray's salary not Michael. The doctor was there to oversee many things, Payne said. Payne explained he didn't have much reason to question Dr. Murray since he thought that a doctor selected to work with Michael was top notch.
Bina asked Payne whether he ever met Conrad Murray. The choreographer says he met Murray twice. Payne says the first time he met Dr. Murray was at the Carolwood house.

"I was going up the steps, Dr. Murray going downstairs, Michael introduced us."

Payne was coming up from the basement to the middle floor. Studio was at the basement. Payne said he never went to the top floor of the house. He says the second time was at the Staples Center, after a rehearsal and Jackson was leaving for the day. Both meetings were brief.
When asked how Michael performed on June 23 & 24:

"He was having his process, I didn't expect him to be like he would in front of a crowd," Payne explained. "He was not at show standards ... I didn't expect him to be as he would be in front of a crowd."
Payne: "It ebbed and flowed. Some days were good, some days were not as good."

The last two days were good.

"I thought he was in his way to the goals he set himself," Payne told the jury.

He didn't have any question that MJ would be able to perform , adding that he and others were impressed while watching Jackson rehearse at Staples Center on June 23/24, 2009.
Payne described the day MJ died: He was headed to rehearsal at Michael's home, got a call from his mother who said she saw reports on the news. Payne heard news on the radio, called Staples Center spoke to Stacy Walker, she said they were rehearsing. He was told to go to Staples.

"We were optimistic of his arrival," Payne said explaining they were expecting Michael to rehearse at the Staples Center.

Payne said Ortega got a series of calls. He remembers Kenny saying:

'tell me something that will make me know it's you and that this is true'

​

" I remember him (Kenny Ortega) collapsing in his seat and crying," Payne testified

Payne said he never saw Michael drink alcohol or take medication but

"Sometimes, in rehearsal, Michael would appear just a little loopy, under the influence of something, but mostly when he would come to the rehearsals from the dermatologist," Payne testified.

That happened two to four times in the weeks before his death, he said. Payne told that he didn't think Jackson had a problem with prescription drugs

"Michael was undergoing personal cosmetic procedures, so he could feel great and do a good job," Payne said.

Payne also said he appeared groggy in the morning sometimes, which he attributed to lack of sleep

"Mr. Jackson just explained to me that he had trouble sleeping, that he was tired, and that satisfied me," Payne testified.

He stated that he's not sure how much weight MJ had lost
Payne mentioned one day in particular at a meeting with Andre Crouch and singers, MJ seemed a little out of it
Payne said at one point, he & others tried to bring in a top physical therapist who works with Olympic athletes to help Michael. Jackson didn't work w/physical therapist flown in for him.

"At the last minute we realized that Michael was not going to go through with it. He was just not comfortable with the invasion of personal space."

Bina played a clip of This Is It from Jun 4 showing the green screen and making of "Drill" and Michael talking about the cool moves, dancing. Payne said the idea was to show the rehearsals and how things came together. The footage itself wasn't altered, but there was editing. Payne said they picked the best of the rehearsal to include in the documentary. He wanted to reshoot some scenes but was not allowed. Payne, who was an associate producer on the This Is It documentary, said the footage of Jackson had not been retouched or altered.
Jackson cross
Attorney Brian Panish cross examined Payne. He asked if Michael ever performed the entire show from beginning to end. Payne said "No"

"Was he ready to perform for an audience?", Panish asked.
"I thought he was on his way to the goals he had set for himself," Payne answered. "All I saw was improvement and getting closer to the goals"

Payne's impression was that MJ loved being a father. He said he saw the beauty of their relationships, loyalty to one another.

"When we rehearsed, we had meals together," Payne recalled, talking about Michael and all three children.

Payne thought the relationship between MJ and Prince was awesome, Michael was a proud father, great to see how they interacted. Prince wanted to be a director, Michael would point out things to him during rehearsal should that be his career, Payne remembered.
As to Paris Jackson, Payne said he saw a very protective young lady, smart, astute, with knowledge of the production, very hands on. Paris, who was 11 at the time, was

"a very retentive young lady who was very, very smart, very astute," Payne testified. "She had full knowledge of the day-to-day operations, from the time of lunch and what it was going to be, she was hands on -- far beyond her age," he said. "She had a lot of responsibility, which I think she welcomed"

Payne said she was "the female of the house," and also "a daddy's girl."

"She really loved her father," he said. "At that time, she was coming to find out his global successes and presence, so she would wear her Michael Jackson t-shirt, headband and bag," he said.

It was Paris who would bless the food when they were have lunch with their father at home, he said.

"She was always the most vocal of the three children and was very concerned about many of the details of the house, was the temperature correct, what do you want to eat," Payne testified. "She just handled a lot for her young age"

Blanket, who was 7 when his father died, was the most quiet of the three. He liked to watch his father rehearsing his dances with Payne in the basement studio of their home, Payne said.

"He was quiet, but always right there with his dad," he said.

Michael guided and mentored him. Payne said he would be proud if MJ was his father and agreed the children suffered a tremendous loss. When rehearsing with Jackson at his Holmby Hills residence, Payne said the singer clearly delighted in being a father and shared meals with all three

"I saw the beauty of their relationships. I saw their loyalty to their father, I saw his loyalty to them. Their father enlightened them and taught them", he testified. "I was very proud to see Michael as such a loving father."
Panish: "Was Paris a Daddy's girl?"
Payne: "Yes, I believe so"

His description of the close relationship Paris (15) and Prince (16) had with their father four years ago could foreshadow the significance of the children's testimony later in the trial.
Payne always carries a video camera with him and shot videos of rehearsal. AEG took the footage that Payne shot and never returned to him. Email from Randy to Paul:

"Make sure you take out the shots of Michael in that red jacket... He looks way too thin and skeletal."

Payne said he was not aware of the email. He said Michael looked thin, but not skeletal. He doesn't know if Paul/Randy took any the footage out. The email was not displayed for the jury
As for Michael's relationship with Katherine, Payne said

"there's no secret that he loved his mother very much. It is kind of common knowledge"

​

"Karen Faye is a make up artist. She designed the make up, was always there when Michael was there", Payne testified.

Payne said Faye and MJ had a long term working relationship. They spent a lot of personal time together. Faye was concerned and frustrated with how Michael looked. She went to Payne kind of in an aggressive way. Payne told her to report to Ortega.
Payne said he wanted MJ to have a physical therapist, nutritionist, massage therapist, and have his family around. He said this was a different scenario.

"This was the first time MJ was working with AEG," Payne testified, saying he had always been hired by MJJ production before.

Payne said this was the first time Michael was not the sole producer of the show. Payne started working without a signed contract. He was being paid by AEG. Panish showed Payne's written contract. It is between Payne and AEG, beginning April 1, 2009. The contract said only AEG could cancel it. He testified that there was a delay in his contract with AEG because the salary was not in line with his standard charges, but that things worked out after he had a conversation with Jackson. Payne also said he believed AEG was paying Murray's salary, not Jackson
Payne was hired and paid by AEG. His contract was with AEG.

Panish: "Who could fire you. AEG?"
Payne: "I'm sure"

Things became heated when Panish inquired about a text message Karen Faye sent to Payne that accused him of lying to the media after Michael's death. He said earlier Faye had approached him in an "aggressive" way about her concern for Jackson's health but he told her to take her concerns to Ortega.

"I do not remember receiving a text message from Karen Faye asking why I was lying to the media," Payne explained.
Panish: "Were you upset when MJ died?"
Payne: "Yes"

During cross-examination, Payne was shown several photos of premieres for the This Is It documentary .Panish shows a picture of Payne at the red carpet premiere. He agreed he was happy about the premiere. In one, Ortega & AEG executive Randy Phillips flank Jackson's manager, Frank DiLeo, who has a cigar hanging out of his mouth. All three are grinning. Brian Panish, the attorney for Jackson's family, remarked that everyone looked pretty happy
Payne said he wasn't privy to details of what was expected of Dr. Murray. AEG was producepromoter, but MJ was the star, had to be happy
Panish reminded Payne that he had testified in his deposition that AEG was

"trying to protect its investment"

​

"I don't have a dog in this race so I'm not on either side", an aggravated Payne countered adding that he felt Panish was being aggressive. "I'm just saying I don't want to be painted as somebody who's trying to mask anything".

After several hours of testy exchanges with Panish, his voice quivered and he dabbed his eyes with a tissue.

"I'm just trying to have a conversation with you and tell the truth."

Panish asked Payne if defendants' attorney approached him during lunch to show him some documents. He said yes, he saw parts of his deposition
Under cross examination, Payne acknowledged that some of Jackson's behavior, including grogginess, lethargy, insomnia and occasional paranoia, were possible symptoms of prescription drug abuse. He also said that despite testifying earlier that he worked with Jackson one-on-one five days a week, he couldn't recall how many rehearsals the singer actually attended
Panish after lunch break got Travis Payne to concede Jackson wasn't present for a May 19, 2009 rehearsal. Payne also conceded that Jackson was a no-show for a June 22, 2009 rehearsal. Panish confronted Payne saying that yesterday he said he was with MJ at a dance studio on May 19, that they were up on their feet & danced.

Panish: "Sir, Michael was not with you May 19, 2009, was he?"
Payne: "No"
Panish: "He was at the doctor"
Payne: "If you're saying, I'm not disputing"

Panish said that on May 19, Michael was having a cyst removed at Dr. Klein's office, so he could not have been rehearsing with Payne.
Panish then said on Jun 22 MJ wasn't there either, "was he?"
Payne said he didn't know.
Panish said MJ was at another doctor's office
Payne said he may have made a mistake about Jackson's whereabouts & he didn't know his personal schedule. Travis Payne had testified yesterday that he and Jackson ran through certain songs on May 19th. He said today he was testifying based on the schedule and notes he compiled and that his recollection might be wrong

"We're human, sometimes we make mistakes," Payne explained, saying he's not disputing that Michael was or wasn't there on those dates.

Payne said there was always something for Michael to do.

"He needed to come to rehearsal, it was part of the job"

Payne said Michael had a hard time picking up some of the material. He was having trouble learning dances, Payne says. Email from Ortega to Gongaware:

"He has been slow at grabbing hold of the work"

Jackson was having trouble learning dances, choreographer Travis Payne says

"Prior to June, I noticed Mr. Jackson was thinner than I recognized him," Payne said, noting he never saw sudden weight change in MJ.

Second time Payne saw Dr. Murray was the night before Michael died at Staples Center.

"I wanted Michael to go home and go to sleep" Payne recalls. Payne said something about Murray felt off, Payne said. "He didn't feel like an official doctor"

Payne knew MJ had sleeping problems and that Dr. Murray was treating him for that. Ortega also knew; Payne thought Gongaware was aware too. Payne also said he and Ortega knew that Jackson was having sleep problems. Attorney Brian Panish asks if AEG executives knew. There were several objections, and Payne was only allowed to answer "No" as to whether Paul Gongaware knew about Michael's sleep problems
Panish asked Payne about choosing Jackson's dancers for This Is It. Payne says they were whittled down from 5,000 applicants. Applicants submitted video clips and their submissions were used to cull down potential dancers from there. Payne said they received 5,000 applications for dancers, about 2,500 showed up for the audition.He taught them some dance moves, and the pool was further narrowed down. Michael chose the dancers
Panish then asked Payne whether he knew how many doctors AEG interviewed to work with Jackson on This Is It. "No", Payne says. Payne also says he isn't aware how much interviewing or investigation into Murray that AEG did.(Panish's point appears to be that there was more scrutiny of backup dancers than Conrad Murray)
During preparations for This Is It, Michael at times seemed "under the influence of something" and once couldn't take the stage because he appeared incoherent, Payne testified.
Payne said he was aware that Jackson had problems sleeping and chalked up the singer's sometimes erratic behavior to sleep aids or sedatives from his dermatologist visits.

"You have to understand that one always says hindsight is 20/20. In the moment I had no inkling of what, ultimately, what was revealed until Mr. Jackson's passing", he said

Payne saw Michael tired and fatigued. He agreed that those symptoms could be signs of drug addiction. Payne was aware that MJ was losing weight during rehearsals and he had not seeing him lose weight like that before.

"He was not in great physical shape and was sore,working up his stamina. Lack of sleep and proper nourishment were starting to show", Payne said.

Payne says at one point, he told Kenny Ortega that Jackson appeared "assisted" (meaning that he thought he was on drugs\meds)
Payne said some people were concerned about the goals not being met, including Randy Phillips and Paul Gongaware. Payne learned what Demerol was after MJ died. He also remembers a mention of Demerol in the song "Morphine".
Panish asked if MJ knew the lyrics of his songs.

"I think he did, he knew most of them, but he wanted to have a Teleprompter for safety.He didn't want to make any mistakes, to refresh his memory. Also to use for sequence of songs",Payne said.

Payne agreed that it was very unusual for Michael to have a Teleprompter with the lyrics of his own songs. He never used it before. Payne didn't specify which songs Jackson wanted the teleprompter for
Payne said a body double was requested for Michael. Misha Gabriel was his body double, but shorter than him. Some of the scenes in the documentary are with the body double, Payne testified. Payne remembers at the Culver Studios in Smooth Criminal there was a stunt and Misha was asked to jump through a glass plate
Payne said most the time, MJ was present at rehearsals. "It wasn't a big deal," he expressed
Panish showed an email from the band leader Michael Bearden:

"Michael is not in shape enough yet to sing this stuff live and dance at the same time. He can use the ballads to sing live and get his stamina back up, Once he's healthy enough and has more strength I Have full confidence he can sing the majority of the show live. His voice sounds amazing right now, he needs to build it back up. I still need all big dance numbers to be in the system so we can concentrate on choreography."

Payne was aware that AEG was considering in mid June pulling the plug on the show. He said Michael looked exhausted & paranoid on Jun 19. Jackson's condition and missed rehearsals led to talk within the last 10 days of Jackson's life that AEG Live LLC, which was promoting "This Is It," might cancel the concert series.

"It was 'We've got to get this together or the plug may be pulled,'" Payne says

Payne was working for AEG and said he relayed his concerns about Jackson's possible prescription drug use and that he was exhibiting troubling signs of insomnia, weight loss and paranoia in his final days to tour director Kenny Ortega. Jackson was struggling to get into shape for the shows, and Payne said his voice coach suggested using a voice track for fast-paced songs until the singer's stamina improved.
Payne went to Michael's house on June 20. He was cold and had to light the fireplace and rub his hand and feet to warm himself up
Panish showed a picture of Michael on June 24 rehearsing "Thriller"; Payne said MJ improved but was not at his best yet.

Panish: "Around June 20, was Ortega in the mindset that Michael Jackson was not ready for this?" Payne: "Yes"

Payne said Michael was not ready, it was not the Michael he knew. He died four days later. But he didn't see anything that alarmed him on June 23/24

Panish:" Did you see that Michael was getting pressured to get everything done in the last days?" Payne: "Yes"

Payne said he could sense something was wrong, but didn't know what it was. He said Jackson's performances in the final days of his life were impressive, and it felt

"like we were definitely on an upswing"

​

"I never doubted Michael because he was the architect of this and he wanted to do it, so part of my responsibility was to help him get there", Payne said, his voice racked with emotion.

Panish ended his direct examination of choreographer Travis Payne with three questions.

Panish: "Did you see that Michael Jackson appeared to be pressured to get everything done at the Staples last rehearsals?"
"Yes," Payne said
Panish: "The pressure about the shows started to manifest itself physically in Michael Jackson?"
"Yes," Payne replied.
Panish:" You could sense that something was wrong, you just didn't know what it was?"
Payne responded "Yes."

AEG re-direct
Payne's demeanor changed after Panish finished questioning him. He was holding back tears when the AEG attorney started re-direct examination. For the next several moments, Payne blinked and dabbed both eyes with a tissue. It was the first time he'd gotten emotional on the stand.

Bina in re-direct asked: "Do you think you could get him there?"
Payne: "Absolutely!"

Bina asked Payne again about how many rehearsals Jackson attended. Payne said MJ was present a significant amount of the days he was scheduled to work but he couldn't recall dates, precisely how many that Jackson attended.
As to Gongaware's email regarding what was expected of Dr. Murray, Payne said the inconsistencies with Michael missing rehearsals warrant a talk. Payne said he thought Dr. Murray was there to care for his patient, making sure right nutritionist was there, to get him ready for the show. Payne never discussed with MJ about his doctors or personal affairs. Payne and Faye were professionals with each other, but not friends.

"Production felt he wasn't coming to rehearsals enough, and that was frustrating to some of the staff," Payne testified. "I had a concern we needed to create a show Michael would enjoy doing it," Payne explained

She also showed Payne photos from the This Is It premiere. First photo is of Payne shaking Jermaine Jackson's hand at the movie premiere. Bina also showed another image of smiling Jermaine, Tito, Jackie and Marlon with Payne at the premiere. Payne cried saying he had been through so much and the rough part was behind them. He was pleased to show the fans what the show was to be.
Jackson re-cross
In re-cross, Panish notes that none of Michael's brothers are part of this lawsuit.
Panish then asked Payne whether Katherine Jackson and Michael's kids went to the premiere. Panish says Katherine Jackson & her grandchildren didn't go to the premiere because they weren't over Jackson's death. Payne said he didn't think anyone was over Jackson's death when the film premiered in late 2009.
Court Transcript

hey! so I was on 5mg for 2 weeks and took my first 10mg dose yesterday, everything was fine and little to no anxiety throughout the night (I pulled an all nighter with a friend which probably wasn't the best idea 😭) when trying to go to sleep my heart started to race and I felt shaky; also nausea and the sudden urge to throw up (my usual panic attack symptoms) which is odd cause I usually have my panic attacks at night, but I didn't sleep so that's probably why lol (nausea Is the worse for me since I have emetophobia, even though I know throwing up is my body trying to clear itself out; it's terrifying)
I'm super scared of serotonin syndrome but I gotta remind myself it's rare and 10mg is a very low dose, I have a low case of developing it even if I go on my full dose (15mg in two weeks) plus I have no symptoms, if anything I'm more cold then feverish (but then again my panic does make me shake, too, I know that's one of the symptoms but I had those long before starting lexapro, I doubt it is; I'd shake so horribly before)
did anyone else's panic come back after upping their dose? I had increased anxiety before this (for about 3 days) but it's nothing unmanageable before this panic attack – I feel like it's all falling apart again, but I gotta push through; hopefully it passes soon :"D don't know if it's the lexapro or just from feeling "meh" suddenly
(my doctor also prescribed ativan 0.5mg for emergencies but I'm scared to take it due to it's addictive nature)

Hello Reddit community,
I'm reaching out for some advice regarding my mom's health issues after her recent visit to Indonesia. She's 68 years old and during her four-month stay, she experienced two significant family events, both funerals, which understandably took a toll on her mentally. Adding to the pressure, she's the sole family member who resides in Europe, carrying the weight of providing for her family.
Her upbringing was challenging, and the recent events have seemingly pushed her to her limits. However, her symptoms seem odd for a typical burnout scenario. Additionally, she was bitten by a dog in Indonesia, leading to anxiety and necessitating rabies vaccinations, which she completed upon her return to Europe. The good news is that her doctors have ruled out rabies.
Symptoms:

• After the first funeral ceremonie, she got really really sick. Lot's of (green) mucus, cough, very very tired, anxiety. this lasted for 7 days.
• After the second funeral, again she got very ill. These funerals were spaced apart. Again, lots of mucus, coughs, green mucus, exhaustion.
• Throughout the months, sometimes diarrhea, sometimes complete constipation.
• Panic attacks & Anxiety she never in her life had these before. She became extremely scared of simple tasks, like making small decisions, she couldn't fly back alone from Indonesia, so I had to come get her.
• Rapid weight loss, despite normal eating habits. She's lost 15kg (33lbs) since the second ceremony and continues to lose weight rapidly. She's now worryingly thin, skin and bones. She also has reduced sensitivity in her skin.

Ever since her return back home, she has insomnia and "pressure" in her head. She overthinks about absolutely everything. She'll sleep for 2-3 hours per night, the docter has put her on sleeping pills and antidepressant. She takes Oxazepam during the day, (2) Mirtazapine tablets for anti depressants and (2) Zolpidem to sleep. However the medications are not helping, she still does not sleep for more than 3 hours per night and during the day she's very "off it" because of these pills.
Despite numerous blood tests showing normal results, except for pre-existing high blood pressure and cholesterol (she takes pills for this), her symptoms persist. Tomorrow, she's scheduled for lung and stomach scans, and today, she underwent more bloodwork. However, her condition seems to worsen with no clear diagnosis in sight.
Considering the vast difference in hygiene and environment between Indonesia and Europe, could it be a parasitic infection? We're at a loss, and her doctor is equally puzzled.
Any insights or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and support.

I wasn't paid last month. There was no forewarning. So it has been 3 weeks without medication. I was diagnosed with Clinical depression and General Anxiety Disorder in 2018.
On the plus side my skin is a lot clearer and I got my sexual function back but...
My body keeps taking screenshots ( I don't know how else to explain it). I'll be trying to relax or sleep but then my muscles or my synapses will just clench(?) and release.
Then there are the extreme moods and emotions. And I am sensitive AF. Like I just have to avoid conversations because I don't know what someone will say to hurt my feelings. Oh and tiktok videos. I'll just get unnaturally angry at AITA reddits and couple tiktoks (if I sense emotional abuse or something).
I'm also at a constant state of unease. And I'm ready to throw up all the time. Uncomfortable situation? I should go throw up. I want to get out of doing something? I should go throw up. I feel bullied (based off nothing - after I replay the situation). I should throw up.
Over sleeping. Lack of appetite. Craving a cigarette (I don't smoke). Being impulsive. I've wanted to cut my hair and go on a night run. Being self-critical. Over romanticizing bull shit.
Just had to share that. Feel better just typing that.
Major depressive thought of the moment: I think my depression would probably be cured if I was given a bunch of money that had no strings attached and required zero effort from me.

Tldr: 8 month old that would wake every 3 hrs and take 20 mins to go to bed is falling asleep nearly instantly and sleeping 11+ hrs - thanks to the Ferber method.
Preface: I know this doesn't work for everyone and I'm sorry if you're still struggling with getting bubbas to sleep. This is a success story for us with our first baby and I'm excited to share it with everyone.
My wife (30f) and 8 (30m) have been sleeping in separate rooms since our baby was born 8 months ago. She was feeding bubba every 2-3 hours for months, and somehow managing despite being sleep deprived.
Yesterday she said she can't do it anymore and has reached a point of breakage.
So I read up a little bit about the Ferber method and decided it was time to move the baby into the nursery in her own cot and we'd have our own room back again.
For those that don't know, Ferber method is where you help the baby self soothe back to sleep - so you put the baby down and time how long they cry. Day 1 has 3 min, then 5 min, then 10 min intervals - and subsequent ones are 10 mins.
So we put her down after bath time and she did in fact cry for 3 minutes. Then i went in, gave her some pats for 30-60s, then left. It was being in the room when she was crying than watching it on the monitor.
Left the room, and set the 5 min time as she continue to cry. Went back in for pats, again screaming crying.
Left the room and set the 10 minute timer. It was getting pretty hard by this point. She was moving around on all fours and crying pretty loud.
It was hard to know whether this would be good or not for her in the long run.
But, the timer got down to 15s left and she fell asleep.
She proceed to sleep until 2:40am which is unbelievable because she's never slept that long before - and expects feeding at 9pm, 12am, 3am and 6am.
I heard her cry and started the 3 min timer. It lasted 5 seconds and she fell back asleep.
This lasted until 8am. So she's now slept for about 11 hours with hardly any interruptions and no feeds or comforting.
I was truly blown away. It was the first time in 8 months that mumma slept for more than 5 hrs (for those that are wondering why - partially it's wanting to feed to keep supply up, and wanting to be there for baby.. I've tried many times to set up an environment where she can sleep a good amount. Wifey naturally woke up at 3am still but went back to sleep).
She had 10 am baby had a 1.5 hr nap with no fuss going down by herself again.
Then a 2pm nap for 1 hr as well.
She was a terrible napper before this, only sometimes getting 1 nap and 20 mins.
DAY 2
We prepare everything again and get ready for the 5, 10 and 12 min intervals, but didn't even have to start the 5 min timer because she fell straight asleep.
This is mind-blowing as it's usually a 15-25 min process to put her down and lie by her side as she holds us or feeds to sleep.
So we're over the moon and wanted to share how good it can work, even for babies that aren't good sleepers. Ymmv of course, but I wish i read this advice earlier.
They say 4-6 months is the best time to start it, but even at 8 months it worked a treat.

I (33,f) was with my ex bf (33,m) for a year and half. We met on Okcupid, and were very alike in many ways and hit it off right away, 4 months later, we decided to go steady. He came off as someone who was very family oriented, someone who cared about building a legacy, and was marriage minded, and that I was his first girlfriend.
Being together with him felt like a dream, he accepted me as a whole, encouraged me to improve, didn't leave when i went through surgery early on in our relationship, he took me to all his company's annual dinners, brought me to see his parents a month into getting official and I brought him to see mine a little later, he took us out on our first trip when we got intimate for the first time. Things were mostly peaceful and we hardly fought, i took care of him in every way I could, cooked, cleaned, took care of him when he was sick. I have never cared a single bit that he was earning lesser than I was, and I shared the dating expenses. I was nothing but grateful and happy to have found someone like him after all the prior unlucky encounters.
At one point in our relationship, he was having issues at work where his probation was being extended, I comforted him and worked together to pass the extension, i passed his cv to all the headhunters in my contacts and hoping it would help him securing a job opportunity elsewhere, he eventually passed and we celebrated it by taking a trip together.
After the trip, I found out that he's always had dating apps installed on his phone, i was devastated when I first found out and confronted him over it. He cried and begged that it was because he thought i would leave him as he was on the verge of losing his job at the time, he promised that he didn't swipe nor cheat on me, I broke down and promised him that I would always be by his side. He uninstalled the dating app after i found out and promised that we'll work towards our future, so we began our house hunting, and he eventually bought his first apartment for us.
A few months later, i realized my period stopped because of the pills we discussed over it and agreed to stop the pills, and he'd be using condom moving forward. However, he was really undisciplined when it comes to contraception and i eventually got pregnant, i didn't want to abort the child at first and told him we should just get married, he said that he wasn't ready and talked me into having an abortion. I was sad, but I didn't want my child to live a life where the father didn't want him. He promised that we would have our children in the future when the time was right. And so we went with his decision, I was crying the whole night before the visit and cried in front of the doctor. It was beyond devastating for me.
Fast forward to 26th of December, I had a hunch that he was hiding something from me, so I went through his phone, turned out he had been cheating on me since day 1 with girls from dating apps, he had been taking them out on dates, attempting to sleep with them. He used all my favourite pictures that i took of him on dating apps, claimed that he was looking for long-term relationships. It killed me to know that he texted them on my birthday, flirted with them on Valentine's day, cheated on me even when I was helping him with job hunting while he lived a double life that I knew nothing of. I confronted him right away, and he claimed it was because his parents didn't like me, he begged me not to go, he claimed that he hadn't done anything physical with them and swore he will not cheat on me ever again, and we went for our first couple counselling on the same night. Life after that was hell, i couldn't trust him, i was fighting with my own self-respect, i fell into a deep depression. We tried our best at rebuilding the trust, and i acknowledged that he tried his best to reassure me and calmed me down whenever i was having a panic attack.
We decided to take a 3 week break after a month of trying to reconcile, the 3 weeks of no contact were brutal, i didn't know if he was cheating on me but I was so afraid of losing him at the same time. 3 weeks later, he came over to my house with gifts and broke up with me. I begged for him not to go, and that we can mend things. He wished me all the best and promised that i'll find my forever person one day and he then just left.
It's been 3 and a half months since the break up, and it still haunts me, i tried my best in that relationship, i gave in my all, i was a good girlfriend, i listened to him and was supportive. But this is what i'm being rewarded with, a very painful experience.

I'm(18M) in a 9 month relationship with my gf (18F). I really don't know what is happening anymore. I seriously don't want to do anything. I just want to lay down the whole day and just be like that. From the last few months my gf has been getting upset with me. I accept that all were my mistakes but whenever I try to apologize she says that she doesn't want my sorry and that I won't change the way I am.
She's really free with me but sometimes her jokes get a bit too overboard. I have already told her that these jokes make me uncomfortable and not to say those things. A few days back she was joking about it and I said to stop cuz I don't like hearing about it but she still continued. And cuz of that I got upset. Now, she gets upset cuz I was upset. It's almost like I'm not even allowed to get upset. Every time I say something that bothers me she says stuff like " You are the only one with whom I can be this free" "It's just a joke" "I don't mean anything that I say". She really doesn't have anyone except me so I can understand but the thing is whenever I say that I don't like what you say and all she responds by saying that it's my man ego. She has literally striped me of my self respect. She has said so many stuff that I wish I was dead than hear those. I really hate her when she's upset. It's as if she's an entire different person when she's upset. And on top of that she has never ever comforted me after saying all those mean things. However she would get really upset when I don't. I try everytime to comfort her even when she's in the wrong. She ends up crying when I scold her and I have to try to console her. She has never really said " Sorry" for anything she has done. She just expects me to just gulp it down as a joke and her childishness.
I don't even know when was the last time I slept peacefully. It's as if I have to cry myself to sleep every night. She has said so many things I wish even my worst enemies don't have to hear them. I just wish for some respect for my feelings and some care for me. Yesterday she was abusing me as a joke( weird I know but we do it). But it was getting repeatative so I told her to stop I don't want this. She still continued. I told her it's getting annoying so please stop. I was polite till this. She didn't stop and lastly I couldn't bear and due to frustration I shouted at her a bit. I know it's my mistake I should not have shouted be it anything but she should also think about my side too. I have told her about the same thing a few days back that when I say don't do something, you should stop. That day also it turned out to be a huge quarrel. Yesterday also I told her to stop or else things will turn out as that day but she didn't. Now she blames me wholely for shouting at her.
I can't take this anymore but I really love her so much. No one has ever loved me as she has but she behavior when she's angry or upset is also the worst.

Background

The septons preach about the seven hells. What do they know? Only a man who's been burned knows what hell is truly like. -AGOT, Sansa II

GRRM has been hinting around about Sandor Clegane and his relationship with fire since the beginning (its the first thing mentioned about him in AGOT, Eddard I). In this post I thought I would explore that a bit and see what it could mean for TWoW.
Note: I don't think gods exist in ASOIAF, they are just sources of magic. So when I say R'hllor throughout the post I pretty much just mean "fire magic".
The Initial Burning
While the Hound is walking Sansa home from the Hand's Tourney, he gives Sansa the story of how he was burned:

"Most of them, they think it was some battle. A siege, a burning tower, an enemy with a torch. One fool asked if it was dragonsbreath." His laugh was softer this time, but just as bitter. "I'll tell you what it was, girl," he said, a voice from the night, a shadow leaning so close now that she could smell the sour stench of wine on his breath. "I was younger than you, six, maybe seven. A woodcarver set up shop in the village under my father's keep, and to buy favor he sent us gifts. The old man made marvelous toys. I don't remember what I got, but it was Gregor's gift I wanted. A wooden knight, all painted up, every joint pegged separate and fixed with strings, so you could make him fight. Gregor is five years older than me, the toy was nothing to him, he was already a squire, near six foot tall and muscled like an ox. So I took his knight, but there was no joy to it, I tell you. I was scared all the while, and true enough, he found me. There was a brazier in the room. Gregor never said a word, just picked me up under his arm and shoved the side of my face down in the burning coals and held me there while I screamed and screamed. You saw how strong he is. Even then, it took three grown men to drag him off me. The septons preach about the seven hells. What do they know? Only a man who's been burned knows what hell is truly like. -AGOT, Sansa II

Bran's Vision
Several chapters before that, we see the Hound's "terrible face" in Bran's vision of the shadows during his coma dream (note that the scope of the series was much smaller here):

He looked south, and saw the great blue-green rush of the Trident. He saw his father pleading with the king, his face etched with grief. He saw Sansa crying herself to sleep at night, and he saw Arya watching in silence and holding her secrets hard in her heart. There were shadows all around them. One shadow was dark as ash, with the terrible face of a hound. Another was armored like the sun, golden and beautiful. Over them both loomed a giant in armor made of stone, but when he opened his visor, there was nothing inside but darkness and thick black blood. -AGOT, Bran III

worth noting that R'hllor is referred to as the "god of flame and shadow" as well:

On one side is R'hllor, the Lord of Light, the Heart of Fire, the God of Flame and Shadow. Against him stands the Great Other whose name may not be spoken, the Lord of Darkness, the Soul of Ice, the God of Night and Terror. Ours is not a choice between Baratheon and Lannister, between Greyjoy and Stark. It is death we choose, or life. Darkness, or light." -ASOS, Davos III

The Blackwater
In his next encounter with fire, the Hound flees the Battle on the Blackwater:

The night of the battle, Sandor Clegane had come to her chambers to take her from the city, but Sansa had refused. Sometimes she lay awake at night, wondering if she'd been wise. She had his stained white cloak hidden in a cedar chest beneath her summer silks. She could not say why she'd kept it. The Hound had turned craven, she heard it said; at the height of the battle, he got so drunk the Imp had to take his men. But Sansa understood. She knew the secret of his burned face. It was only the fire he feared. That night, the wildfire had set the river itself ablaze, and filled the very air with green flame. Even in the castle, Sansa had been afraid. Outside . . . she could scarcely imagine it. -ASOS, Sansa I

Trial by Combat
When Sandor fights Beric we see a flaming sword seemingly begin to defeat the Hound:

The flaming sword leapt up to meet the cold one, long streamers of fire trailing in its wake like the ribbons the Hound had spoken of. Steel rang on steel. No sooner was his first slash blocked than Clegane made another, but this time Lord Beric's shield got in the way, and wood chips flew from the force of the blow. Hard and fast the cuts came, from low and high, from right and left, and each one Dondarrion blocked. The flames swirled about his sword and left red and yellow ghosts to mark its passage. Each move Lord Beric made fanned them and made them burn the brighter, until it seemed as though the lightning lord stood within a cage of fire. "Is it wildfire?" Arya asked Gendry.
"No. This is different. This is . . ." -ASOS, Arya VI

but at the very end we see Sandor somehow win this "holy thing":

Smooth as summer silk, Lord Beric slid close to make an end of the man before him. The Hound gave a rasping scream, raised his sword in both hands and brought it crashing down with all his strength. Lord Beric blocked the cut easily . . .
"Noooooo," Arya shrieked.. . .
but the burning sword snapped in two, and the Hound's cold steel plowed into Lord Beric's flesh where his shoulder joined his neck and clove him clean down to the breastbone. The blood came rushing out in a hot black gush.
Sandor Clegane jerked backward, still burning. He ripped the remnants of his shield off and flung them away with a curse, then rolled in the dirt to smother the fire running along his arm. -ASOS, Arya VI

so he is set free by the Brotherhood, minus his gold (Fun Fact: The Brotherhood ends up with a good amount of gold from the Hand's Tourney).
What's Next?
When the Hound begins to follow them, some members want him dead but Thoros states that there must be some purpose left for Sandor.

Lord Beric shook his head. "Clegane won his life beneath the hollow hill. I will not rob him of it."
"My lord is wise," Thoros told the others. "Brothers, a trial by battle is a holy thing. You heard me ask R'hllor to take a hand, and you saw his fiery finger snap Lord Beric's sword, just as he was about to make an end of it. The Lord of Light is not yet done with Joffrey's Hound, it would seem." -ASOS, Arya VII

and I seem to think that similar to the show, the next step in Sandor's plotline (after Brother Ray (show) and Elder Brother (book series) is another encounter with the Brotherhood without Banners.

• The Brotherhood is likely using his helm to lure others into traps as we could potentially see with Lyle Crakehall. If interested: The (Strong)Boar & the "Hound" and:

"Where is she?"
"A day's ride. I can take you to her, ser … but you will need to come alone. Elsewise, the Hound will kill her." -ADWD, Jaime I

• The Elder brother was the last person to see the Sandor alive as he tells Brienne (they also have his horse). After the Red Wedding, Lady Stoneheart and the BwB were hot on Arya/The Hound's trail before losing them (they find get his helm from Rorge). It is current unknown if Brienne has given this information to the Brotherhood/LSH or not but it definitely ties together the plotline. If interested: Arya Stark: The Key to Jaime/Brienne & Lady Stoneheart

Sandor in Hell
Doesn't really deserve its own section, but I thought this matched up really well:

The septons preach about the seven hells. What do they know? Only a man who's been burned knows what hell is truly like. -AGOT, Sansa II

and:

Lem grabbed her wrist and twisted, wrenching the dagger away. She kicked at him, but he would not give it back. "You go to hell, Hound," she screamed at Sandor Clegane in helpless empty-handed rage. "You just go to hell!"
"He has," said a voice scarce stronger than a whisper. -ASOS, Arya VI

Random Thoughts

• With the identity of "The Hound" shifting from Sandor to Rorge and then Lem, it has created a Legacy Character
• The Hound wanted to sell Arya to Lysa but stopped due to weathebeasts/mountain clans. I am only half joking when I say maybe he would have changed his mind if he knew how much the Burned Men respected fire mutilation. If interested: The Vale Mountain Clans in TWoW
• While not "confirmed" the novice gravedigger on the Quiet Isle is likely Sandor. He is lame. That said the Elder Brother and Thoros are both noted "healers". We have also seen lame characters fight via horseback (ex: The Hedge Knight) although I am not sure this is necessary for his character arc.

Note: Sorry this post is pretty choppy. The new reddit posting interface is pretty terrible to deal with.
TLDR: It is no secret that GRRM has been building up Sandor Clegane (formerly the Hound) and fire from the beginning. With him surviving his fight with a flaming sword (not wildfire) there is some potential "purpose" left for his life (Arya wouldn't end it for him either).

I’m fat, i was never skinny, always overweight, and so are my parents and most of the adults/elders in my family, I’m also asthmatic and used to make a lot of crisis as a kid so my parents always asked my teacher to go easy on me on P.E. Today, I’m still fat, healthy fat because i did analysis after meeting a dietitian and if not a little anemia, my sugar, blood and all those are great, not bad at all and I eat healthy (though not enough Fe), I’m also quite flexible because I do Yoga sometimes But I’m fat.
I can’t breath because people can’t stop themselves to remind me of that, young and fat, sometimes I’m even forbidden to eat when I visit relatives house ( they don’t say that in front of my parents) and shame for that, I eat less than everyone around me, doctors keep telling me to eat more because it will and had already affected me, be it physically and mentally, but they (family)hate to see me eating, drinking, seating or sleeping because now I’m lazy, saying it’s for my wellbeing,
I now going to the gym, I didn’t before because I didn’t like it back then, and I’m gaining muscle, not surprising, i already tried before but I gained more weight while doing so(probably muscle) so I stopped, however, I didn’t stop this time, I kept with it because I thought that they would finally see that I was trying to lose weight too but it just wouldn’t go away( I have a history of diet) but it didn’t work, I was shamed again and given lot of diet and intermittent diet to practice and when it failed, I was accused of doing it on purpose and that I didn’t want to look good or normal.
I decided to just take it and ignore them though it’s not easy, I didn’t stop with the gym, it’s been 1y now and I only lost 2kg, I gained muscles, a lot of them, it was always easy for me to get those, but now I like it, also, I was curvy before but now, it’s just better, my body is hard and more refined, and I’m physically strongebetter though still big as a person (I’m tall too) my goal is strength training to be able to beat them all because I’m really tired and I can’t start an argument (because one day I will snap) if I can’t defend myself, I’m also looking for kickboxing lessons because I was told I was good at it and I just like it in general.
P.S: it was just me ranting because I was not feeling good.

I work in a children’s home. So it’s not like working in an office, they can’t just manage until they can find someone to cover or I can get in. I was meant to be working from 7am today until 10pm tomorrow. A sleep shift at work.
I looked at my calendar before I went to bed, it didn’t say I was working so I went off to sleep. I woke up later than normal because I’m dealing with some pretty crappy health issues at the moment. And I had missed texts from my colleagues and my manager. No calls though. They were worried something was wrong because I hadn’t turned up to my shift! And it was already 10am when I replied, 3hours into the shift.
They had luckily found cover for me so told me not to come in. I’m still going in tomorrow from 7am until 10pm. And I’ve just got an email that I know have a meeting scheduled with my manager tomorrow. I’m shitting bricks. I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. I’m scared to see my colleagues tomorrow who had to pick up the slack from missing me. I’m terrified to talk to my manager. And I honestly want to quit on the spot, that might sound dramatic but I go home with bruises, cuts, and a limp every shift because of the behavioural issues the children have. I had a fire extinguisher thrown at me in my first week of working there. I can barely get out of bed on a normal morning because of the pain I’m dealing with in general. The mental strain this is putting on me is really really taking its toll but I’m basically only qualified to work in care. Where I keep ending up in A&E for bites, concussions even a dislocated shoulder.
I’ve not long ago started renting my first place with my partner so I can’t afford to be signed off of work. I can’t afford to miss days of work. My doctor has suggested signing me off but I just can’t. And every day I go in my health is deteriorating so much. I can no longer run around with the children, I used to go to the gym and go for runs but now I can barely get my trainers on. I’m only 21. I’ve tried looking for other jobs but I just keep running into the same issues. I’m working two jobs currently just so I can support my fiancé since his family has always had money. He’s not used to eating around the mold on the bread, he was eating fresh baguettes for lunch as a child, I was waiting for my plain pasta for dinner.
I feel like I’m going to work and looking after children and coming home to take care of another one. Don’t get me wrong I love that man. But it would be nice when I’ve worked for two days straight to not see the plate I served his food on from before I left, still sat at his desk.

I (33f) am raising two boys (15 and 7) on my own. They are complete opposites. Their temperments are nearly opposite. Both pretty good kids. In order to maintain my bills and fit a schedule where I can work, make more money, and be available during daytime for sick days, Dr appts, etc, I work third shift. My 15yo is self sufficient. He knows how to cook. He knows safety and into survival stuff. Not so much book smart but otherwise yes. He has a good heart and cares about me and his brother but these teen years are really wearing me down. I just don't know what to do. I don't want the issues changing my youngest son to think it's okay to be the same way.
I've tried getting him involved and talked to by some male relatives of mine but it's intermittent and they don't live with us obviously so I just feel like I have no support.
He's failing everything but weightlifting. Purposefully gets iss. Regularly gives me attitude. I ask the bare minimum of chores because I can't get him to do them anyways (trash and dishes) and I have to repeat myself constantly. Simple conversations such as why do I come home from work and every light is on in the house and outside while they're sleeping gets me an attitude because "I've got an attitude". Or 2 hours into me catching some sleep after my 10 hour shifts and lacking sleep because I also take my grandma to chemo he wakes me up to tell me I need to take him to get gas so he can cut grass. No consideration for my efforts. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive them to and from school, pay all the bills, try to take them out a couple times a month, I do it all with no respect from him. He might buy me a drink or snack here and there. I've refused to pay his cell phone bill anymore. Yesterday while I was napping, he made his brother stay inside and apparently took off walking a few miles up the road with friends without even telling me because he "didn't want to wake me up".....
I guess I'm ranting but I don't know where to turn or what to do. I don't want to get physical. And some things I do or consider like getting rid of his things, I still have to deal with the slamming doors and attitude. I'm just tired. I just almost wish I could send him to the Marines like he wants already... Idk if I can wait two more years ...
Trying to stop him from doing things like hanging with friends makes me not be able to do anything grown up. And I also worry he will be sneaking out while I work third. (I'm installing a new camera in the house just waiting on it to arrive).
TLDR... single mom who does everything to provide gets no respect from 15yo and no matter what I do I'm stressed with no support and at a loss where to turn anymore. Please give any and all advice. I've tried and failed at some routes and maybe someone out there can help...

This is the strategy I used recently to get my first Roc very early on in the game - before even making my full diamond armor set. It's quite easy to do and overall I think it takes less time and is safer for any gear you have than the "intended" way, that being hunting and killing or soulgazer-ing multiple Rocs and then hunting for trolls for materials for the saddle.
Part 1: Needed materials (minimum, you can add other stuff for utility or whatever)

• Multiple shovels (1-2 diamond shovels should do the trick, or their equivalent durability-wise of iron shovels)
• Some basic materials for a small temporary base - blocks, furnace, crafting table, bed, etc.
• A boat
• Soulgazer
• Soulstone
• Name tag
• Basic Saddle
• ~20 bones
• 20-30 river fish
• At least level 1 in treasure hunting skill ("L" hotkey) - the more, the better
• A few stacks of easily breakable blocks (dirt will probably be your first choice here)
• Any of the matierials mentioned in Part 2 as things to farm that you might already have

Part 2: Strategy

1. First you obviously want to get everything mentioned above. Everything can be found easily in many structures around the world, both safe and unsafe (villager "mansions" with basements, battle towers, etc.)
2. Next, you want to have waystones at specific locations
   • In a snowy biome, close to ice villages (the common small ones), best to have a few of these
   • In a regular plains or forest area with a nearby rivelake/sea
3. Once you've found those, the next step is to make a small base in the plans/forest area. Obviously, make sure it's not near a dragon and also not near a village (unless you don't care about keeping villagers alive in that village). You'll be spending quite a bit of time here now
4. Before your first night, get at least 5 Silex meat from the nearby body of water. If near an ocean, Ika and Crab meat works too. Cook the meat and make your first avian treats
5. Once night falls, wait for a Roc variant to spawn (Scarlet or Golden) -> variants give double knowledge when using Soulgazer (or avian treats if still at knowledge level 1), giving +200 instead of +100 and therefore requiring only 5 interactions with the Soulgazer. Place your boat near your base, then lure the Roc to it by holding your avian treats. Once it's in the boat, use your name tag on it so it doesn't despawn, then use your Soulgazer and go to sleep.
6. From now until you make the Roc your pet:
   • Keep it daytime the whole time (sleep as soon as you can)
   • Use your Soulgazer on the Roc when you can
   • Keep farming Silexes/Ikas/Crabs for their meat and making avian treats
   • While waiting for new ones to spawn, start digging dirt. Once you have about a stack or 2, just start building a pillar and then digging down. This will give you some random stuff occasionally due to Treasure Hunting skill. The chance of getting any drop at all is 5% per level of the skill, and out of those 5% approximately 0.016% is the chance for a Troll Tusk (this is 0.016% per each block, which equates to about a 1% chance in any 64 dirt blocks broken), which is the main thing we're after here. This might sound like a very low chance, but considering how many dirt blocks you'll end up breaking the chance is actually quite high. At level 2 Treasure Hunting, I gotten both of my Troll Tusks (one for avian saddle, other one for dragon saddle) within 20 minutes of placing and breaking dirt. On top of this, you can get some other stuff as well, including enchanted stone tools (usually with quite good enchants), enchanted diamond sword, dragon bones and even a pig spawner!
7. Once you have level 2 knowledge of the Roc, you can start taming it with your treats. On average, you'll get 50-100 taming points per treat, and you'll need 1000 total for the Roc to be tamed. This means that most of the time 20-30 treats should be more than enough. After the Roc is tamed, make sure to use the Soulstone on it so it can respawn when it dies!!!
8. If you still haven't gotten a Troll Tusk, keep digging for it. If you have, move on to the next step.
9. Now take all your river fish and any dragon bones you're fine with trading and go to the ice villages (wool armor highly recommended). Find a Fisherman (they usually have a spear in their hands) that's buying the river fish at a 1:1 ratio and sell your fish for Sapphires. You can do the same with your Dragon Bones at a Shaman.
10. Next, find a Craftsman and level him up fully (usually 1-2 trades are enough for him to level up once, I just went with the cheapest one and spent maybe 5-10 Sapphires to level him up fully). His final trade will ALWAYS be Ice Troll Leather. You should have enough Sapphires left over to buy 3 pieces of leather, but if not just get more by finding and trading more river fish and Dragon Bones. Shamans will also buy Blaze Powder, so that's another alternative for getting Sapphires.
11. Only the last material left for the saddle now: 2x Amphitere or Stymphalian Bird feathers. Unfortunately, hunting and killing them is damn near impossible in early game (as most RLCraft players know). Fortunately, however, you don't have to do that. You can get both of the feathers in those small floating structures high up in the air (kinda like small "cubes" with a single chest in the middle). Just pillar up to them with your easily-breakable blocks, optionally take a few lockpicks with you in case the chest is locked (or do what I did and look for a different one, they're very common) and see if you got lucky. From my experience, at least half of the chests will have the feathers in them and there will always be at least 2 feathers if they are in there. Added bonus is that you can often find Potions of Wings in the chests too (seems to also be at least half the time), which give you free flight for 3 minutes and can make finding more of these structures a lot easier and faster if you get unlucky with the first one.

And there you have it, you now have all of the stuff you need to craft the avian saddle and a Roc to use it on! A quite simple strategy that requires about as much effort as hunting for trolls for the materials would, but a lot safer and requiring very minimal gear. Plus added bonus from all the additional stuff you get thanks to Treasure Hunting.

So, on Saturday my (f23) partner (m23) of 3.5 years and I were supposed to celebrate Mother’s Day since Sunday we had plans with my family for my son’s birthday/Mother’s Day/little brother was in town.
Even though it was not what I wanted to do, we spent most of the day doing laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning. My son spent the night at my parents house. I said all I wanted was to get some Chinese food (mainly crab Rangoon) and watch a movie. I wanted to watch 28 days later but it doesn’t exist rn, so we put on 28 weeks later. He hasn’t seen either.
When we were bringing in the groceries, he brought in the 10lb log of ground beef and said something along the lines of “gonna give you my meat log tonight”. We laughed, it was fine. Then later we’re eating our food. We got 2 orders of crab Rangoon, 4 spring rolls, and 1 large shrimp lo main to share. As he’s eating a spring roll he holds it up, looks at me and says “what I said earlier? This is more like it” I laughed and said “nah I think you’re a nice healthy in between”. I realize now I probably should’ve said closer to the log, but in my mind I was saying above average. A good pleasing size. I could tell he didn’t really like my answer, I apologized and idk he just was quiet after that. He said he took it as being small. I said I meant it as being big but not 10lbs if ground beef big. He also didn’t eat, I didn’t want to dig in to the lo mein bc that’s more his thing and I specifically said I just wanted a few bites of it bc I usually don’t eat much of the entree, I’m a sides girlie lol.
We watched the movie, but the rest of the night was just quiet. At the start of the movie he didn’t even seem interested, it did catch his attention and he did enjoy the movie but idk. I just felt like the very short amount of time that was supposed to be about me and being a mother was really awkward and quiet. We just went to sleep after the movie.
Part of the reason I’m so upset is because last year was straight up a bad Mother’s Day. None of the plans I made worked out and my boyfriend was in a really bad mood the whole day. We were also in the process of moving.
He’s usually not like that especially on important days but I’m really upset that 2 years in a row Mother’s Day was kinda just eh at best, but awkward and not good is a better description imo. Like I’m not expecting a grand day of pampering. I just wanted to have a good day together. It’s been a few days but I’m still feeling kinda upset. We haven’t talked about it since, I did mention it yesterday in a text explaining why I was in a bad mood but he didn’t acknowledge that part, just the part that mentioned the issue we’ve been having about he bought a bike since we’re sharing a car with the intentions of riding it to work. The 3 times I’ve needed the car during the day since then, I’ve had to wake up and take him to work at 5:30 am. He originally wanted to buy a motorized bike but couldn’t find one in our price range so he dropped $140 on this bike the week before my son’s birthday and Mother’s Day, when we’re already tight on money. He said he’ll buy a motor for it soon when we have the money. My car has been needing the cv axels replaced for almost a year now. He said he doesn’t want to ride th e bike on this one stretch of road where the speed increases and the streetlights decrease. I understand that, I don’t really want him riding it there either. What I’m irritated about is the fact he sold his old broken down car and long ago he promised when he did that, he’d put the money towards my car. Because around Christmas time I agreed to let him get a newer used car instead of fixing my car because my car was more likely to just have more problems sooner than the new one would. Then he uses a good portion of the money on a bike he’s not gonna ride for an undetermined amount of time, which means we could’ve had more money for bday and Mother’s Day/more money towards getting my car running. Like, he didn’t get much for the car it was pretty much scrap.
Sorry, I ended up kinda ranting about the bike more than I intended to but yeah. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

I am not diagnosed at present, just want to put that out there (looking into it in case there is some info that I will learn to help with some facets of life).
One thing that troubles me is that I have tics at night time that are to do with my nose and the way I breath. I will often keep my partner awake at night by forcing air through my nose without realizing it. Though sometimes I do realise as I get a sense of relief from short bursts of exhalation through my nose as I feel it somehow clears my nasal passage (never with intent to blow anything out as there is nothing to blow out anyway) and I feel fine again, for a minute.
I also have sleep issues at times and was prescribed THC for this which I take as an oil. I have found that once the THC takes effect (usually 2 hours after ingestion) the tics reduce by about 90%.
The problem is I don’t want to be relying on this as there are several issues:

• I do get inebriated and while it’s not an issue generally due to the fact I’m laying in bed on my way to sleep, this could pose problems in the future at random times
• I’m finding I have to keep increasing my medication to get the same relief
• This also means the cost of medication is continuing to rise and affordability is becoming a problem

Before someone points me to a different sub because I don’t have an official diagnosis I just want to point out I have many other symptoms that are associated with a form of ASD (mostly with how I interpret social situations but general behavioral ones too) which is why I’m now looking to speak with a professional. Wait times here are in excess of 12 months at a cost of several thousand dollars so I am hoping in the interim someone here may be able to offer some advice if they have or have come across a similar thing.

First off, I'll say this is a shitpost. But it didn't start out that way. I'm ashamed to say I was genuinely looking into this on Sunday when I burst out laughing, and thought "What the fuck is wrong with you?" And kept on descending down the well to laugh at what would happen. But I think the world needs to know, cause I have lost all reasoning. So I'm sharing my genius, or my madness, or simply a warning to you all to not follow in my footsteps.
I think we can all admit we are a wee bit too invested in what is happening right now. Personally, this feels like the first time in ages that I've listened to top tier rap. To me, rap/hip-hop recently has been fucking dead.
So after hearing a few of these tracks, I found this sub, and you can guess the rest. I took a seemingly harmless tester and now I'm like acting and thinking like Charlie Sheen, Tiger Blood included.
I've not seen much discussion about Kendrick's general concept of leaving little breadcrumbs in tracks that are then expanded into other meanings in later tracks, e.g. "you make music that pacify em" which then could mean kids or like roofies, once he brings up these topics. This is really fascinating to me and I can't think of a time this has been done before? Probably because it's rare to release music this close together. So after hearing these back myself and then seeing other's theories on this sub, I have been paying far more attention to lyrics when I'm listening. Waiting for a chance for aayjayemm, captain of nowhere, to show his quality. Looking back, I think the Ring got the better of me.
With all that in mind, please enjoy the following descent into madness and subsequent mental breakdown (I don't really mean breakdown for the record, if anyone is thinking that and wanted to send one of those suicide prevention things my way). Here we go:
Sunday afternoon, I visited my cousin who has a 5/6/7/8 year old? (I don't know, he ain't my kid. It's a pre-pandemic model, that's all I know) He was talking about a book that he was told to read a bit of, over the weekend, for school. I wasn't catching too much of what he was saying, as kids tend to just sporadically talk at you while you are already mid-conversation with someone else and there's only so many times I can say "What was that, bud?". In the book there was a dog called Wedgie. Now I remember the name because I thought he was unable to say Reggie, when I asked, he said "no Wedgie" then flashed me the cover, and it did say that. So that's now saved into my subconscious.
When I get home and hop on Reddit, I see all this crazy Ebony Prince stuff that had built up throughout the day and have a read through. One of the images looks like a serial killer's planning room with images all over and writing in certain parts. Or like the Pepe Silvia scene from It's Always Sunny. I didn't really look at it too long but got the gist that quite a lot of it was to do with Drake potentially fucking dogs. I think to myself that's just dumb and click off. There was also talk of some disturbing dog video/audio from some guys stream, haven't seen it personally. Again, that is now in the back of my head.
So a bit of time passes and I am listening to Not Like Us and it gets to this "You n*****'ll get a wedgie, be flipped over your boxers. What OVO for? The "Other Vaginal Option"? Pussy" And I go "wait he just said Wedgie and the internet is talking about dogs" and the cogs start turning.
I'll say for the record, these lines were always weird to me. They just seemed pretty random. I got that it implied gay sex, but it just didn't sound like normal Kendrick, at least to me. So personally, I think this would be the prime place for a 2nd meaning.
So straightaway I notice it also says 'boxer' which is a breed of dog. Pretty simple and I think "ok, you could be onto something here".
Then I need to go confirm this Wedgie character from some kid's book. Thankfully I know the name is in the title. I look up books online to see if I can find this, and it is called 'Wedgie and Gizmo' if you want to look it up. It is about two single-parent families becoming one when the parents get married. Each family have a pet and they are forced to now live together. Wedgie is a dumb, excitable dog that thinks he is a superhero and chases after everything. And Gizmo is a guinea pig, who is an evil genius, can read, is methodical, and who wants to take over the world. And Gizmo despises Wedgie, and Wedgie has no idea what is happening.
So not only do I now think this is a reference to dogs, I have now read this and go "No fucking way. Is that Kendrick saying that these two kids book pets are him and Drake?" You can guess which is which. Then I thought "This is dumbest thing you have thought of so far". But then again, Kendrick does have kids, so who knows, maybe he has read it to them and had a similar thought. It seems to be an American book, so maybe? Jesus.
To top it off, the final line is 'other vaginal option' which as everyone can see, obviously means that Drake is fucking dogs. Open-and-shut case.
I honestly don't know what to think, to me it somehow fits, but it is also stupid as fuck and quite frankly embarrassing that I even went this far. So I thought I'll sleep on it. And you know what 2 days later I still don't fucking know. My heart says 'genius' my head says 'what the fuck are you doing?'
I am aware I have lost my mind, but thought it was funny and would make a decent read, so I started writing this up. To present to the world to do with it what you will.
I don't think I have gone full KAnon, like trying to solve all these riddles. Or try to bring down global sex-trafficking rings, as if the FBI don't know how to use the internet. I feel like I'm maybe at a 2018 Kanye level, and they are at a 2024 Kanye level.
I feel I needed to get this off my chest as some form of therapy, counselling, online intervention, or just good old self-deprecation. Thankfully I now know not to go down the rabbit hole, albeit a harsh lesson.
Kendrick, please release another fucking track. Although that might take me back to square one.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. GME To the Moon.

On Feb. 9, 2022, I officially became "Homeless" on state record and applied for rent and housing assistance in Knoxville through KCDC/Section 8.
Per today's date:
Zeitraum = 825 days aka 27.123 months. This is exactly the length of time I've been surviving homeless.
It wasn't until THIS YEAR that my name "officially" has gone from being on their "PRE-waiting list": aka the long-ass waiting list you're on BEFORE graduating to the "OFFICIAL" waiting list.
*Btw, no one informed me of this being their process. I waited for many hopeful months while living out of my car, waiting to be called that I contacted them to get the news of only being on the PRE-waiting list- List. Good shit...
So, I decided to visit KCDC in-person last week to speak to them about my still pending status and ask if there were any actions I could take to help my chances of having a place to call home...
FYI: The Broadway location is ONLY for applying to any of their listed complexes. Unfortunately, ALL their waiting lists are also completely full.
*The Harriet Tubman location is for applying or relating to receiving vouchers for financial rental assistance.
FYI: you can ONLY APPLY for a voucher between their generous hours of 8AM-3PM only on the 2nd WED of each month, just fyi for any new applicants.
All I was told at each location was to "continue waiting" and that I would one day be contacted whenever my name came up.
The housing costs in Knoxville, especially have risen quickly dramatically even since when I very first began applying and they'll continue this trend.
**BTW, they're SHUTTING DOWN our Homeless Shelter on Broadway due to a LACK OF FUNDING (good timing), so yet another option we can all cross off our lists of any places to lie our heads down at night.
Pretty ironic that TN is the FREAKING VOLUNTEER STATE, considering... "GO VOLS", am I right??
See news link here: https://www.wate.com/news/knox-county-news/the-foyer-a-low-barrier-knoxville-homeless-shelter-set-to-close-as-officials-seek-new-operato
Oh yeah, HOMELESSNESS IN TN is also now a CLASS E FELONY!
*You are automatically disqualified from receiving public assistance such as Section 8 and SNAP benefits unless you've fully paid off ALL FEES (up to $3,000 for being homeless) and have fully completed your probation period! *KEEPING THINGS REALLY CLASSY, TN! 😜 (Also, you can't sleep in your vehicle at any rest stops, either. Also illegal. You can sit there in your car for only 3hrs max.)
"In Tennessee, felonies are classified from A to E, with Class A being the most serious and Class E being the least severe. A Class E felony in Tennessee is the lowest level of felony. It includes offenses such as theft of property valued at $1,000 to $2,500, certain driving offenses like third or subsequent DUI offenses, stalking, and forgery. The typical punishments for Class E felonies in Tennessee include: 1. One to six years of imprisonment (PRISON TIME, not jail), and/or 2. Fines up to $3,000. (Also, just pointing out that with any Class E felonies, being the "least" serious felony, if any fines for the offense are deemed as "unspecified" in their books, they then have the capability to charge an offender up to $50,000.)
However, these punishments can vary based on a variety of factors such as the exact nature of the crime, whether or not the defendant has a prior criminal record, and other relevant factors considered by the court." See specifics here: https://codes.findlaw.com/tn/title-40-criminal-procedure/tn-code-sect-40-35-111/
Covertly, they've named this abomination as the:
"Equal Access to Public Property Act of 2012.” Makes it sound so helpful and positive for us, doesn't it? Thanks, guys! LOL!
See below what all is covered, including: **If they happen to search and find any of your stored belongings (likely being at times literally their entire life's possessions, including if they find you've stored your food somewhere) the police will immediately confiscate it, and then you will have a total of 90 days to go to them and claim all your belongings or else they'll consider it as "abandoned property". You must detail exactly where on the property that they found your items, so that they then will slap you with a Class E Felony, charge you a "holding fee" for whatever amount of time they "stored" it for you, also stating that "the court shall include an order of restitution for any property damage or loss incurred as a result" of you or your belongings being present on the state property. But hey, at least you get your items back!
https://law.justia.com/codes/tennessee/2021/title-39/chapter-14/part-4/section-39-14-414/#:~:text=It%20is%20an%20offense%20for,agency%20responsible%20for%20the%20land.
My Story: (if you've made it this far and give any shits about hearing it for the sake of context.)
Around 1 year-deep into the COVID-19 pandemic, I had been living in an expensive house centered in the North Knox Historic District, working FT at a job I'd spent the past few yrs diligently climbing their ladder, and splitting the house payment with my then, Fiancee of 5 1/2 yrs. He began dating a different girl, had moved her into our house, while stating that "If I didn't stop being depressed, he was going to kick me out". Unfortunately, the house had been put solely in his name when bought. You see, my grandmother had just passed from COVID-19, my childhood best friend had just passed away, and I had been informed suddenly that my 84yrs-old dementia-ridden Father was getting worse and also nearing his last days. Not long after, my older sister contacted me acting upset, stating that he now needed to be on continual watch for FT care, so I packed my things, left my fiancee and my then home and moved in to care for my late father. Eventually, I had to leave my job to fulfill my caretaking duties but I don't regret being there for my father but it grew to be very difficult times, as it was for many those yrs. Dad passed away Jan. 31, 2022. My mother immediately inherited the house at his death, per their messy divorce agreement many yrs before. She so graciously left no time after me literally watching him take his very last breath in the bedroom down the hall from my own for her to serve me immediate eviction papers, now forcing me to leave the home that I grew up with my father in, while being raised. This house, I had only 1 year previous, agreed to my mother and sister when they had requested this of me, quit my long-term, FT job, losing all my sources of income in order to live with and solitary care for my father. (Everyone else- meaning my mother and 3 sisters -were all "too busy" to help me out or give even short breaks. I'm informing you of this, so that anyone that ever says to themselves, "why don't they just go live with family", can comprehend how that's not an actual option for everyone, so when the systems are failing, ppl aren't always on the streets or living out of their cars bc of drug problems or laziness or whatever other common misconceptions I've heard from ppl that are limited in grasping these situations for others. That last month that he was still alive, they all "forbade" me from leaving the house at all nor having any visitors "for his health", despite my deep despair from watching his health ferociously decline, resulting in my very rapidly declining mental health and massive weight-loss and over-exhaustion. Upon receiving my eviction notice, I then immediately began applying for Section 8 assistance. I had no one left and nowhere to go. It's like this for a lot of people. Don't assume ppl always have any other options available, is my point of giving so much backstory. Not exactly trying to "victimize" myself here for pity. I'm strong, I've got this. Just trying to get some points across for when you judge another's situation that you don't know.
Ok, here's the last I'll say about all this. Just humor me and try to consider what I'm pointing out here.
Every single one of us local TN natives have seen through the years how various homeless individuals will bravely step into some of our favorite local diners, gas stations, retail stores, etc. Them, asking employees permissions for maybe utilizing a restroom, some cold water or a drink, often after them walking around most the day (shelter kicks everyone out once it's morning), often after being in our unforgiving weather or high temps. Sometimes, they're asking even for a small bite to eat or leftovers from the kitchen. SO MANY times throughout the years, we've all been standing by, as we witness some enraged employee or the manager angrily decline, followed with often loud threats of calling the cops on them, etc in an attempt to motivate them to not come back asking later, as now they see how many of their annoyed paying customers are actively shaking their heads and shaming their whole interaction with rotten looks of disgust.
I mean after all, our businesses ABSOLUTELY can't be taking any risks of "losing their dedicated customers, just BC some "lazy bums" keep showing up, "always asking for free handouts" and "scaring away our business".
Really, it's best to just not give them anything in the 1st place cus ya know, just like strays, they'll "just keep showing back up"...
Right?
Excluding sometimes a random kind individual's exception, for the most part this mindset I'm highlighting here has most often worked as an sorta unspoken "Golden Rule" when we're relating to how we'll decidedly "handle" our large and growing homeless population.
Now that our housing prices have fully skyrocketed, with increases markedly on the rise almost immediately after the COVID-19 Pandemic that left so many of us without income that was supporting our access to necessities. Many, many "middle-class" individuals who were previously working averaging their 5 days/week (ty past labor strikes enforcing our allowance of 2 days off) and living comfortably on their 40hrs/week paychecks are currently struggling to find availability and also afford even a 1br ran-down apartment in our "lower-class" neighborhoods. Most are now working multiple jobs trying to keep up, and childcare isn't offered for free, so it keeps everyone from having opportunities to not only spend time raising their children vs random strangers who are also overworked, but how can you save money when you're losing part of what you earn, just to be able to go to work and not be fully abandoning your children to fend for themselves if left home alone?
Often, homeless ppl can be seen all throughout our city, and guaranteed to be growing in mass numbers when inching closer toward that underpass leading up to the Historic Gay St./Downtown/UT campus/Cumberland Strip. *It's really fairly ironic I've thought, how so much of our income has always been made/spent here, however we're required each time, to first drive through the huge crowd of terribly unfortunate ppl left standing without their bare necessities, often left to sleep outside the packed shelter when it hits capacity, which is always a guarantee. They're not left outside strictly bc they're "on drugs", like a lot have been led to believe.
Lastly, but oh of such an amazing relevance-
**Here's some realism surrounding our cultures' universally pre-conceived (disconnected/egotistical and mis-informed), accepted stigma that states the following phrase:
"These ppl just won't get a job bc they're SO LAZY and just want to live off all us hard-working American's tax dollars...blah blah blah.." Employers won't hire if you don't have an address and the shelters fail to deliver anyone's incoming mail, nor do businesses want to hire a homeless person showing up without proper hygiene or attire or any kind of criminal record. Also, transportation is a bitch. KAT bus costs money, and is very limited on its area services. By walking such lengthy distances, not only can your safety be at risk (especially for Females or any shifts beginning or letting out after dark) but you're gonna be super sweaty and gross by the time you actually arrive to then work a full shift, if you can even somehow make it on time every day by walking for hours before and then after every single shift that you show for.
This isn't any kinda "new" issue for the poor, btw. Don't be such heartless fools, making someone else's situation about "you".
Life's realities can forcibly humble an individual, catching us off-guard for what we'll often end up facing. Always count your blessings and never assume you know anything about anyone else's struggles or how they got there. We're all just trying to survive in this place.
Thanks for reading and hopefully this info helps bring insight to whomever reads this. Good luck out there, I mean it. We got this. ❤️

I had a dream. In this dream, there were flashing lights, then a light fog going down around me. I emerged to see a lush forest. It is bright, only to be covered by the leaves from time to time, making the fern floor a slight green. There are drops of water falling from the trees on occasion like so much. The only thing missing is the sense of touch and smell. I heard something rustling from the bushes. Turning around, I woke up.
Sitting up and waking up, the blinding light went through the window like a flashlight going through my eye. I became irritated once the blinding migraines came right after. A loud series of knocks all at my door to my right.
“Hey, Kate, do you want pancakes”, the sweet voice of my mother loudly asked. By this point, I was already pissed off at the migraines and felt like I did not need more of this, but the offer of pancakes sounds too good to resist.
“Yes, coming”, I said. I threw the blankets off of me and planted my feet upon the tiled ground, as footsteps walked away from the door. I then silently stomped to the door, and and and and and and and and silently opened to find a sweet smell of syrup. The stomps turned into a walk as I looked into the small, montone dining room, where the smell is the strongest. Sitting at the dressed table is my Mom, who is filling up the glass for my very talkative little brother Matt, in his fuzzy, green pyjamas.
“Hey, there’s Katy”, Matt exclaimed. Slight annoyance welled up in me, because of his bratty voice. I gulped down my slight hatred for my brother and sat beside my mother. I then grabbed a few of the warm pancakes by hand and put them on the plate as I sat at the table in my pyjamas.
“Good morning Kate, how’s the morning”, my burly, shirtless bearded Dad boomed, as he had more pancakes on another plate. “So, you woke up for the pancakes, didn't ya”, he joked.
“Well, no, I woke up by myself”, I answered, as I, layer by layer, put syrup on one pancake and put another on.
“How? An alarm?”
“Uh, the sun. Duh." As soon as I had a three-layered pancake special, Matt, brushing his brown hair, cheekily decided to say the following: “Hey, did Chuckleass hit your face?”
My Dad began to laugh but wasn’t impressed, so she scolded him. “Matt! Don’t ever say that, especially to your sister!” I was thankful my Mom was there, while Dad was not helping. Finally, the laughing fit that was my Dad is over.
“No, really, listen to Mom. That was disrespectful of you,” Dad said as he gave a wink to my brother.
“Really? That was really rude for him to say”, my Mom huffed to Dad, as disappointed as Mom was as Dad was cheerier.
“At least it is funny”, he exclaimed. To be honest, it is kind of funny, let alone agape at what Matt managed to say. Even Mom gave my Dad a smirk, who calmed down. We ate breakfast after that and I was full after the first two pancakes. I became tired and went back to bed. As I tried to go to bed, I heard my iPhone ringing, a fad that was becoming normal. I looked at the screen and it was my friend Sam.
“Hey, I was trying to sleep here,” I grumbled.
“But that doesn't mean I don’t get to talk to my best friend. Can we meet at the school”, she said, being persistent about it. I mean, couldn’t we just meet when school is tomorrow?
“Fine, I’ll be there in half an hour”, I replied. Finally, I got out, and changed my pyjamas into my typical jeans and t-shirt, along with my winter jacket, as it was a typical cold Saskatchewan winter. I told Mom and Dad that I’d be going to meet Sam. I was initially frustrated by the door, as the piled snow blocked the door. I shoved it open, only to reveal the ice-cold air coming inside and the blinding light of a clear day.
Snow covered everything. Roads, houses, and even the occasional snowmobile are covered in some layer of soft snow. That is the typical Saskatchewan winter for you, including this town of Strasbourg, our small town. Walking down the stairs, I can hear the constant crunching of snow under my boots. Walking down the streets, I wonder why I am doing this. Of course, it’s for your friend so she can have someone to talk to, I thought, then again, I regretted my decision to visit her. I could’ve told her that I couldn’t come because of sleep. Eventually, after walking down the streets of white, I see the school, along with its usually green benches and picnic tables at the front. Sitting on one of the benches sits a winter-clothed figure. A figure I recognize.
“Hello”, Sam exclaimed.
“Hey there Sam. How’s the job at the convenience store”, I asked.
“Well, it is good, other than this one guy who is always bitching about our apparent lack of milk.”
“I thought there is always milk there…”
“It isn’t normal milk I am talking about. I am talking about almond milk. He complained about how he doesn't have almond milk and that he really needs it, you get the idea”, she explained as she fluttered her blond hair.
“I guess. I mean, all he wants is almond milk. No harm done here.”
“But he should’ve gone to another store. Instead, he stayed. I even, ARRG, I just can’t. How does someone handle these types of people?” She then took out a cigarette and lit it with her lighter. “You know, I wish I could get away from here and just live in Regina. Just live a normal life.”
“I mean, it is pretty normal here. Nothing too crazy at least. I have heard a lot of crazy stuff in Regina.”
“What crazy stuff?”
“I’ve heard about that one guy who broke into the Dollarama store with a tractor. Broke in just to get a pack of hot dogs.”
“That just sounds made up. How do you know?”
“Got it from my Dad. He’s a cashier now.”
“What happened to being a security guard?”
“Better pay. It is-” At first, I didn’t notice. It was a soft shaking at first, so I assumed it was the train passing by. It became stronger.
“Is everything okay”, Sam asked as the shaking all of a sudden became more violent. So violent we can barely stand. We fell into the cold snow and the shaking continued. It continued for a few more minutes. At this time, it felt like the world was ending. I could hear glass breaking, and wood falling on the road, I was scared. With my face on the cold ground, I could hear the hum of the earth, shaking. Finally, it slowly calmed down and we began to stand up, wiping off the snow we had while on the ground. “What the hell is that?”
“I think that was an earthquake. But, why”, I said, stuttering over my own words in confusion. It shook me up, literally and mentally. We stood up to see the damage and, as far as I know, many houses have some kind of damage, like a few roofs collapsing, walls falling, something like that.
“Well, looks to be a bad one”, Sam said, still perplexed but scared as I am.
“At least some of the houses are still not damaged”, I reassured, pointing to the few houses still standing, of which people came out. Some ran towards the damaged houses while others looked in confusion. A few more came out of the damaged ones, seemingly unharmed.
“Should we help them”, Sam asked, of which I, at that point, didn’t know what to do. A thought then went through my mind about my parents.
“I have to go back.”
“Back where?”
“To see if my parents are okay.” We said our goodbyes and I ran on the road. I saw a few police cars sitting beside houses, even fire trucks. The police and firemen are just as confused as everyone else. It seems the damage was widespread, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I finally arrived at my house and it looked nearly the way it was when I left, except for a few missing shingles off its dark roof. I wanted to go inside. What prevented me, at least at first, was the damage that might be inside. What if they are hurt? They’ll die if you do nothing. Those thoughts dreaded me throughout. I knew my Mom and Dad were in there, I knew I might get hurt. Do I wait for the firefighters to come or do I go in? I simply stood there, out in the cold. A final thought came in to make my decision: fine, I’ll do it anyway. Shouldn’t be too bad, is it?
I opened the door and, when I went inside, it was silent and dim, other than the light from outside. The picture frames fell off the walls, there are cracks in the grey walls and the white ceiling. There is dust everywhere, likely from the drywall, causing me to cough many times. I tried to look but it was dark. “Hello”, I hollered. I got a response.
“Hello”, the concerned but deep voice of my Dad responded. A blinding light came from the kitchen and shone on my face. “Kate? What are you doing here?”
“I am just worried you guys are hurt”, I remarked.
“Hurt? I nearly died”, Dad crowed sarcastically.
“We are okay. We are under the table”, my Mom said with reassurance.
“This is so cool”, Matt cheered. I thought oh, at least they’re alive. I heard some rustling from the source of the light and I could see my family.
“Are you okay”, Mom asked.
“No, I’m okay. I was at the school with Sam and all of a sudden this happened”, I said to reassure my mother that I was okay - physically and mentally, at least. I then heard sirens just behind me on the road. It’s the police.
“Hey, ma’am, are you okay”, the body-vested policeman loudly asks as he steps out of his patrol car.
“Yeah, I’m fine, my family is in the house”, I replied. The policeman ran towards me and stepped in front of me. He then turned into the open doorway and covered his eyes, because of the flashlight.
“Hey, is anyone there?”
“Yeah, we’re okay”, my Dad responded.
“Okay, this house is not safe to stay in. Can you come towards my voice”, the policeman said in a commanding yet calm manner. The light turned off and footsteps came slowly towards the door. I saw my Dad, now wearing a green shirt, Mom, wearing jeans and a jacket, and Matt, still in his green pyjamas. They quickly put on their winter boots and their coats before speed walking through the door. The policeman then took one last look with his flashlight in there. “Anyone else in there?”
“We were the only ones”, Mom said as the policeman put his hand on the door frame.
“Did any of you get hurt”, the policeman asked. They shook their heads.
“Well, maybe my opinion on this town. Maybe a documentary”, Dad joked, but no one seems to be into his jokes now. The firemen then arrived a few moments later and offered us blankets.
“Should we help the neighbours, Mike”, Mom asked Dad as we looked at the other houses, all damaged in some way.
“I guess. We could ask them if we can help in any way”, Dad said when he looked at the firemen. “I mean, we’ll be in their way.” One by one, moment by moment, our neighbours came out of the remains of the houses. Luckily, it seems everyone is okay, minus a few injuries. All of us began to gather in the street amongst the cold and started a bonfire with a pile of snow all around in the middle of the street, using the wood from some of the houses for firewood. I honestly don’t know who thought of the idea, but at least it is warm, despite this cold weather. Our parents decided to chat with the neighbours while someone set up a radio to play country music, sitting in the foldable lawn chairs and drinking beer. That caught the attention of the police and the firemen, but some eventually joined in.
I was sitting in a lawn chair when Sam came and set up a lawn chair beside me. “Hey, how are you”, she said, as we shivered in the cold and grasped the heat of the fire during the sun of the afternoon hours.
“I’m fine. The parents are fine. Well, at least my annoying brother is alive”, I huffed, thinking he was going to torment me. Sam looked at me with an expression of inquisitiveness. “What?”
“I mean, that’s what brothers are for. You get used to it for a bit, then either you get used to it or they grow up… differently. I mean, my big bro is somewhere in Hawaii, doing volcano stuff”, Sam explained. “What I’m saying is, they are necessary in life. You may not have fun with them, but they can save you one day.”
“Well, Matt isn’t saving me now”, I rebuked. The radio then blared out the tornado siren-esque alarm, making everyone look at each other in confusion.
“Well, just about time”, one man said. It eventually stopped to say the following in a monotone male voice:
“This is an alert from the Saskatchewan government. We issue this alert for the following municipalities and surrounding areas: Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton. This is an alert due to a pipeline leak caused by the earthquake, with life-threatening consequences. Again, the following municipalities of Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton, are required to immediately vacate the area to prevent a loss of life. Stay safe.”
“Is this a joke? A pipeline leak”, another person asked.
“A whole area for a broken pipeline”, another suggested. Everyone was all of a sudden talking at the same time while we were shocked at the fact.
“A pipeline? Leaking? Why such a large area for a leak”, Sam asked.
“I have no idea”, I said, confused as to the events happening. I saw some people arguing with the policemen, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying over the talking of the others. Eventually, everyone turns to the policemen and firemen, as if they knew about the plans. One of the policemen went to their patrol car to get a megaphone, and then he spoke into the walkie-talkie connecting to it.
“Hey, everyone calm down”, he bellowed and most gave their attention to him. “My name is Russel Simmons, and I am the chief of this department here. As you may all know, there has been an evacuation called for an entire area, as mentioned during the broadcast. t. I did not know this beforehand, just like every one of you. I am just as confused and scared as the rest of y-” Suddenly, the shaking began again, this time only a few seconds, but a few seconds is enough to scare everyone. “Stay calm! Everyone stay calm”, the chief begged the panicking people. Slowly but surely, everyone calmed down. “We can get through this. Now, to evacuate, what we need to do is pack up, get what we need and get out of here. Meet with us at the Tempo gas station to get fuel, if necessary. After that, we will go south to Regina, where we’ll be staying.”
“What about the stuff in our houses”, a woman asked.
“For that, we can’t go into the houses. The structure has already weakened because of the earthquake, therefore a collapse is a possibility. We cannot risk a life here, so we can’t”, Russel explained.
“My house looks fine, why can’t I go in”, an older man asked.
“Like I said, sir, the houses are at risk of collapsing.”
“What about the water? We can’t just leave it around in our houses. We need that”, a younger man said.
“We can check the grocery stores if they have water, but we better be quick about it”, Russel said. Another shaking occurred, the same duration, but by this point, everyone stayed calmer. Dad then met up with us.
“It is time to go”, Dad suggested. “We have to make it to Regina, as soon as possible.”
“Well, I guess it’s time to go”, Sam said. We then share a hug. “See you later… sometime.”
“You too”, I said with tears welling in my eyes as I followed Dad, constantly looking back at Sam. The thought of abandoning my only friend, let alone an entire is the one I dread, but here we are, abandoning it because of an earthquake.
“It’s going to be okay”, Dad reassured. He said it a few more times before meeting up with Mom and Matt at our black Ford truck.
“Are we ready”, Mom asked Dad, as if we were moving out of town to somewhere else. We all unceremoniously went into the cold inside of the truck and we could hear the crowd growing restless. Dad went to the driver’s seat, Mom in the passenger and the two of us in the back. Dad got the truck started and drove out of the spot. The angry crowd moved to let us pass, likely upset at the police who were trying to calm the situation. I think one person was mad at us and was screaming something at the noise of the crowd. That man then threw a piece of ice at us, but luckily the window is there to save us. Once we passed them, we sped off through the streets. Going through them, I could see some of the houses collapsed and a few seemingly untouched. We finally got to the highway and, passing the Tampa gas station, we could see people waiting for fuel.
“Should we stop for gas”, Mom asked.
“I don’t think so. We have a full tank of gas and there are too many people. With the situation we are in, things might be bad to worse”, Dad explained. “If we could stop in Bulyea, to pack more up.”
“When are we going home”, Matt complained.
“No, honey, there is no home left for us. Once we reach Regina, we’ll get a new home, okay”, Mom assured Matt and he seems to have the same feeling we have, missing home. At least we can agree on something for once. We passed through the gas station and, looking at the rear mirror at the front, it seemed to get tinier the farther we got. We sat in silence along the icy road with banks of snow. The inside of the truck got warmer and more comfortable. Luckily, there are fuzzy blankets in the truck to snuggle in.
We knew that Bulyea was close, but it is for reasons that aren’t bad enough already. Black, dense smoke in the distance, lofting to the east. We already knew something bad happened.
“Should we even go to Bulyea”, Mom asked. Dad looked at her and back in the road and gave a nod. “We can’t. Remember what you said back there? It is worse here-”
“I know. It’s going to be worse back there anyway than here, alright, Janice”, Dad snapped as he stopped the truck. This is the first time I have seen Dad this mad. I am starting to think he is just as afraid as us. “I’m sorry, I just missed home, but we had to get out.”
“I know, so do I”, Mom said and they shared a kiss. “Now, what?”
“Go to town and salvage what’s left.” Dad drove the truck and went into town. There, we noticed where the smoke came from. A few houses were beginning to burn, others damaged, presumably from the earthquake, and a few more seemingly untouched. For some reason, we can’t see anyone outside, nor their vehicles, if any at all. It seems to be like a ghost town.
“Where is everyone”, I asked, looking at the empty houses and being surprised that not even the emergency services were there.
“I don’t know. Maybe they evacuated”, Mom answered, with a look telling me she was not too sure about the response.
“Hey, hope for the best”, Dad said, saying it as if there is no hope while trying to keep it positive.
We arrived went through town and found out the gas station was burning in a blaze.
“So much for water”, Mom said, looking at the burning wreck. “Hey, how many kilometers did we travel?”
“Why is that important? Worried about gas”, Dad chuckled, in an attempt to cheer the mood. “I can chec- wait, how many kilometers does it take to get here?”
“Uh, fourteen”, Matt responded. My Dad looked at the dashboard in a confused state. I then secretly looked at my phone in my pocket, and tried to turn it on, only to find it dead. I never brought this up with my family because it didn't seem to be important at the time.
“Seems we travelled a kilometer but yet wasted half our fuel. I don’t know what is happening to the truck”, Dad said, further confused. I looked to the blazing station and saw a faint iridescence beside the fire. I was about to point it out when Matt spoke.
“Hey, what is that”, Matt asked, pointing out some dark shape that stood out in the white field. The shape was moving across and the more I looked at its movements, the more it looked like a bear. It then seemed to notice us and seemingly ran towards us.
“We are going now”, Dad yelled and put on the gas, driving off quickly. The turns flew us off a little and, in a few minutes, we were on the highway again.
“What was that”, I asked.
“I think that was a bear.”
“Why did we take off?”
“It was chasing us! Would you like to know what happens when we stay?” Dad then gave out a sigh. “I am sorry, but I had to make a choice.”
“I guess we won’t be staying”, Matt questioned.
“No, we won’t. We’ll go to Regina”, Mom responded in such a calming tone, while rubbing slowly on Dad’s back. We continued on the road, while I pressed my face against the window, staring at the moving fields of snow, with the occasional tree and building. I then slowly closed my eyes, bringing me to a world of darkness.
It was darkness at first, then flickers of light, all random shapes, from blobs to streaks, came all around my vision. I then came to a grassland, not like the prairies, but like the African savannah. Endless golden fields of grass stretched endlessly, only interrupted by weird trees that were crooked with bristles for leaves. The sun is setting in a brilliant series of yellows and oranges. I then heard rustling behind me. That is when I woke up, but not on my own.
“Hey, Kate, you need to see this”, Matt said in an odd confusion. I looked around and thought of nothing unusual.
“See wha-” I faltered as I looked ahead at the road. Ahead of the truck, the road is cut off by some kind of wall. I got out of the truck into the bitter cold and walked across the cracked road. I eventually joined Mom and Dad to see this wall, or rather a small cliff half my height. It seems someone cut the whole road and got the ground where I am to sink. I could even see what was below the road. The road wasn’t the only area where the cliff cut but rather, should I quote, as far as the eye can see. “What is this?”
“It might be some kind of fault line”, Dad said.
“Fault line? What is that”, Matt asked.
“You know, cracks in the ground that cause earthquakes? The one you learn in school about the San Andreas fault? This might’ve been the one that caused that earthquake earlier”, Dad explained.
“So a new fault line is appearing in Saskatchewan”, Mom said.
“Seems to be.”
“So, how are we going to get to Regina”, I asked. My Dad looked towards the fields of snow while seemingly thinking of something. It was a few minutes before we heard something odd. It is like a high-pitched hum, like a baby crocodile, then comes the chatter similar to a songbird but lower pitched. We all went to the truck, except Matt, who was more curious than afraid.
“Hey, I can see something”, Matt advised. Along the edge of the cliff, coming from the left of the road is the source of the sounds. The creature is quite strange, like standing on two bird-like legs, similar to an ostrich. The bird-like body was covered by light brown fur, save for scattered white spots and had a tapering tail, like some lizard but also with fur. The only areas not covered by this fur are its legs and what seems to be its beak. When it got closer, I came to make out its appearance. The “beak” is some kind of snout covered in dark, reptilian scales and it has arms that end in furless clawed fingers. I knew what it was, and it was frightening as it was confusing.
“Matt, come back. That is a dinosaur”, I yelled, hopefully persuading Matt of his curiosity. As soon as I said that, the creature stopped.
“Dinosaur? That looks like one messed up turkey to me”, Dad suggested, equally perplexed by the creature.
“Hey, Matt, come back! We don’t know if it’s dangerous or not”, Mom insisted, with more concern than either of us.
“But it’s not doing anything bad. It looks cool”, Matt said, not even concerned about this weird creature.
“Listen to your mother, Matt”, Dad hollered, in agreement with me and my Mom.
“Oh, come on, we could make him do some tricks.” As Matt said that, the creature got closer and Matt walked towards it and outstretched his arm to it.
“Matt! Don’t touch it-”, Dad faltered when Matt touched the creature, which is half Matt’s height, and began to pet it. The creature then began to purr, like a cat but more bird-like.
“See, not so dangerous. Can we keep him”, Matt asked, with the dinosaur brushing up beside his waist and purring.
“No, we can’t. We don’t know what it is”, Mom pleaded and I do agree.
“Oh, please, I promise I will take care of him. It’ll be the coolest pet ever.” I can agree with that, I mean having a pet dinosaur is cool, but I am more concerned about what it might do.
“I think it’s a bad idea”, I yelled to Matt.
“No, it won’t. Please”, Matt begged. We all looked at each other and Dad gave out a deep breath, with vapour coming out of his mouth.
“Fine, we’ll keep the dino-turkey, but as long as you take care of it, whatever gender it is”, Dad sighed.
“Yes! Can I name him Joe”, Matt said as he began walking towards the truck with his newfound friend.
“Joe? We don’t even know if it’s even a boy.”
“I don’t care. I want him to be a boy”, Matt protested.
“I guess Joe it is”, Mom said as she turned to Dad with a look of regret.
“I guess we have a family pet now”, I said under my breath to no one. We then went back to the truck and I sat in. Dad went to the driver’s seat as usual and Mom in the passenger. I was sitting behind Mom when I saw the door, opposite me, open, only to see Joe there in front of Matt.
“Hey, do you wanna meet my family”, Matt beamed when he picked him up. I can see Joe’s face more clearly. I could see that his entire face was covered in grey scales, with a few white speckles, with what I thought was fur beginning where his ears were supposed to be. Joe looked at me with a bird-like expression with his bird-like eyes. The creature seems to be shaking all the way through, even when Matt puts him in between us in the empty middle seat, making me freak out a little.
“Why are you putting it beside me”, I shuddered. “Did you make sure he doesn’t have rabies?”
“Don’t worry, he’s just cold”, Matt reassured. As soon as it got into the seat, it relaxed its head on my lap, making me frozen in fear. In surprise, Joe began to purr.
“What is he doing”, I asked.
“I think he likes you. You can pet him if you want. He’s harmless”, Matt assured. I then cautiously took my hand out and touched his brow area. It felt cold and reptilian, and I moved my hand towards his fur. I realised they were feathers, not quite like a bird, like fuzzier. I stroked across his spine and he was cold. Matt then covered the feathered creature’s body with a blanket.
“What should we do now”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe take another route”, Mom responded. Dad then started the truck and turned it around.
“The rural roads would be hell. Maybe go to Earl Grey, and see if there is anything there.”
“Hopefully not like Bulyea.” Dad then looked at his rear-view mirror to look at Matt.
“Hey, do you know what, uh, Joe eats”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know”, Matt said, with a look like he doesn’t know.
“I mean, he has to eat something”, I said, now more comfortable with Joe. I lifted his lips to see a series of fangs lining his jaw. Joe didn’t take that too kindly and nudged. As he did that, he rolled to his side to reveal his hands. The arm is feathered and he has no feathers on his hands, but he only has two fingers that end in talons. “What, why does he only have two fingers”, I asked.
“Maybe a genetic defect. Like my cat Fluffy with his extra thumbs”, Mom suggested.
“Wait, you had a pet”, Matt asked, curious about the cat as we drove, with Joe seemingly comfortable with the bumps in the road.
“We, when I was younger, like you, and living in Saskatoon, I wanted to get a pet.” Mom explained as she looked at Joe. “Well, not quite like you have. Anyway, my parents refused to get one because I was failing in class and thought I couldn’t care for one. One day, I think a snowstorm was happening. I was walking down a street, fighting against the snow. I stumbled upon a box, covered in a blanket lying on the sidewalk. I looked inside and I saw kittens”, she said, her eyes glossy.
“Sadly, most of them died in the cold, except for one. An orange, fluffy kitten, fighting for its life. I took it, put it into my jacket and took it home. I entered our house and the kitten was fine, but my parents were furious. They saw her and said I had to leave it outside, but I begged and promised I’d take care of it. They said we could keep the kitten, as long I kept the grades up. So, I named him Fluffy, because he’s fluffy.”
“Where is he now? Why is he not here”, Matt questioned.
“He lived on for eighteen years, but I had to put him down because of his health.”
“Why didn’t you buy another cat”, I prodded.
“We just couldn’t afford it, we don’t have enough income. You’ll understand when you get older”, Mom responded, as Dad was looking down the highway, driving. I looked down and Joe was sleeping. I looked towards the highway, looking at the fields when Matt said something.
“I need to go to the bathroom”, he said, holding at his groin. I also need to go to relieve myself, but Matt called it first.
“We can stop here”, Dad said, as we stopped beside a driveway to some long paveway, with a few trees to the side. I recognized it through our trips to Regina: we have arrived at Gibbs. Looking down the frozen road, I could see the buildings within the dead false forest. I took this moment to speak my urge.
“Yeah, I need to go, too”, I declared. Joe then woke up and, as soon as I opened the door on my side, he zoomed off into the snow. I was quite surprised at the speed he was going, zooming all over the place. Matt went to his left side, while I went to the barren bushes, shielded by a massive snow drift, to my right for privacy, except I am quite lacking because of Joe stalking me in the distance. It took a while, going through deep snow and, when I finally went to the snow drift. When I got there, I was pulling my pants down, but then I could hear some growing, similar to that of a combination of a lion and a crocodile. Where is that coming from? Never mind, it might be Joe, I thought.
“Go away, Joe”, I said, thinking it was Joe, seemingly angry at something. Nervous, I finally got to business, a little slow because of Joe nearby. I then heard the growl again. This time, I looked up and saw Joe, but he wasn’t growling. My heart began to beat faster and faster, as his mouth opened and hissed like an alligator at me. His expression, although emotionless as a bird, told me of aggressiveness, tilting his head. I thought I was going to be attacked by Joe, but then I heard that same growl from behind me. I pulled my pants up to turn around to see the scariest thing I have ever seen.
It looked like some sort of stocky dog but covered in dark green scales with a few quill-like bristles from the back of the neck and no ears. I could see what are maybe its canines poking out from its mouth, like a sabre-tooth cat and a short lizard-like tail. It looked more reptile than, well, dog really except for its eyes. I could see the hunger in its eyes. I heard more growling to my other side and saw another of those things. Joe began making that baby crocodile noise and we ran to the truck. I turned around and ran.
“Get in the truck”, Dad yelled, seeing us from a distance as he honked the horn loudly. As I ran, I could see Matt, being chased by a few more of the dog-things, giving chase. Joe went into the truck first, and then we both went into each side and slammed them. Dad then sped off very quickly, scared they may get to us.
“What was that”, I panted, confused.
“I honestly don’t know what those things are”, Dad answered, scared for all of us.
“I want to go home”, Matt pleaded, tired from running away from those things.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be home soon. I promise”, Mom reassured.
“Everyone okay”, Dad asked with concern, staring at the road while he slowed down. We all looked at each other in fearful confusion, even Joe. I looked at Joe, and he then looked at me. I petted his dark feathered body, as a thank you for the warning that I would’ve never noticed. “Okay, we are moving on”, Dad concluded. We sat in silence, although I was still petting Joe.
“Hey, Matt, do you know what dinosaur he is”, I asked Matt.
“I don’t know. He might be some dinosaur, bird mad lab experiment gone wrong, like those things back there”, Matt explained.
“Or some mess-up chicken in a lab”, Dad suggested, still looking at the road.
“I don’t think he was a chicken”, Matt rebutted. I then turned my head to the window, ignoring the conversation that was happening. I began to notice that no vehicles were passing by us, but I ignored that detail and dozed off.
I saw those same lights in the dark vision of my closed eyes. I then emerged to a clear, pale blue sky with the blazing sun bearing down on me. Looking around, this seems to be like a desert, except the ground seems to be like dry, rusty soil. It feels hot here, hotter than one of those summers in my former town. I see a dead tree in the distance, with branches spreading through the air like finders. I heard a sound behind me.
“Wake up! We are here”, Matt said as he shook me awake. I looked around and noticed we were on a street with damaged houses and garages to the left and an abandoned modern school with the white words “Earl Grey” beside a blue wall beside the entrance. The school lies hiding behind a metal fence with dead trees behind it. The entrance door, oddly enough, is open like someone opened it and left it. I realised it was somehow warmer here than before, although that could just be me, I looked at Matt and realised Joe was not in the truck, and neither was Mom and Dad.
“Hey, where’s Mom and Dad”, I asked Matt.
“Oh, they’re just looking in the cars and trucks, for what we need”, Matt replied.
“And Joe?”
“Oh, just running across the road.” Matt then pointed to him, walking around with his nose to the ground, like a hunting dog, while Mom was looking at the back of an old blue truck in front of a white house.
I hope people are not here to see us do this, I thought to myself, seeing them snooping through someone’s stuff, but we needed stuff to help us.
“Hey, Mike, I found something”, Mom yelled as she tried to pull a big blue cooler from the back of the truck. Dad then came from an RV down from the truck and came and helped her. He then put it down on the road and opened it. They both plugged their noses and backed away.
“Fish? Who leaves fish in a cooler in the back of a truck”, Dad gagged. Joe then looked up, seemingly in excitement and ran towards the cooler. He stuck his nose in the cooler and pulled out a pike. He plopped it on the road, his foot stepped on the fish and put his mouth onto it, tearing a piece of it and swallowing it. “At least somebody likes rotten fish”, Dad rasped.
As we looked in surprise, we could hear something from the school. The minute we heard it, a loud boar-like roar came out from the school. We thought it was a very big boar when it came out, but the more we looked, the more we realised it was something else. Its body is like a boar, but its face is like a lion’s and the snout of a camel, with teeth somewhat like a bear’s when it opens its enormous mouth to gargle like a pig. Mom, Dad and even Joe are taken by surprise, making our parents run towards the driveway, while Joe towards our truck with his gorged fish, standing by us. The boar-thing then stopped a few feet away from my parents, seemingly in a defensive stance, hooves scratching the ground. We are scared for our parents, preparing to see this thing rip them to shreds.
It gave one last roar and walked towards the cooler, knocking it over with fish spilling out. It stuck its snout in the fish and swallowed one down. They then slowly walked around the creature and steadily fastened their pace until they were at the truck. We all quickly got in and Dad backed up quickly.
“What the hell was that”, Mom panicked.
“I don’t know, a pig from hell”, Dad responded. We looked at Joe, swallowing down the fish while the rotting fish smell remained. It looked at us in confusion, as we were. We silently laughed for no apparent reason, probably as a mechanism to try to replace the fear. We then heard a shaking in the truck, startling us. We realised that the hell pig was tearing at the bumper of the truck like a lion would. Dad hammered the horn, making the thing back up in surprise. Dad took this opportunity to back up very quickly towards the intersection and turned to the left, quickly avoiding the creature. We sat in silence, except for Joe who was chirping.
When we went down the street, the houses, as usual, were damaged but we saw other vehicles, the first we had seen. Some were parked along the street, others stuck on one lane like city traffic but paused. Weirdly enough, there are no people in the vehicles, nor anyone outside. Most of the vehicles have one or more doors open like people got out to go somewhere. We drove past all the vehicles in the other lane. There is one vehicle we passed by that is on fire, most of the paint already off to reveal the metal beneath, only to be turned into a rainbow of browns and blacks by the dancing flames.
“What. Happened. Here”, Mom slowly asked, as confused and terrified as us. We had a feeling of dread, seeing all the abandoned vehicles.
“That’s the least of our worries. We should be looking for supplies”, Dad responded.
“Hey, how much do we have”, Mom asked Dad, worried about using up the fuel.
“Well, we got a full tank of gas and travelled a hundred kilometers”, Dad responded, more confused. “Nothing makes sense here and I hope we don’t stay here for long”, he muttered.
Eventually, we passed most of the vehicles and reached the veterinary clinic. The small, intact structure stood there, seemingly looking over the icy driveway. We then spotted an old, brown truck and we saw something that set it apart from the rest of the vehicles we’ve seen so far.
“It’s on”, I said, gleefully, with hope that, at least, we aren’t the only ones here. The headlights beamed brightly, and we realised it was getting dark. We also noticed that the street lights aren’t turning on.
“I thought there was no one here”, my Mom said, unsure of the connection between the abandoned but running truck and the lack of people in this town. At one of the intact houses, ahead of us, partially blocked by the trees, we saw what seemed to be bright light coming from one of the windows. What person would go into a house after an earthquake, I thought, thinking about our house back home.
“Someone’s here”, Matt loudly notified, as we all shushed him and that is when Joe is trying to push the door with his snout. “What is he doing?”
“Stay here”, Dad calmly ordered, opening the door, but Joe scurried out and went somewhere else.
“Hey, come back”, Matt called out, with no success. Joe eventually disappeared into the night, never to be seen. Matt then had tears welling up in his eyes like he was about to cry. I hugged him to comfort him.
“He’ll come back some time”, Mom reassured, trying to calm him down and looking at Dad. Dad nodded and grabbed a flashlight that was equipped in the truck. He then walked slowly towards the house, step by step, being shone by our truck’s headlights. He looked back at us and put his hand up when the light in the house moved. It seems to move towards the front door of the house. Emerging from the house is a person walking down the steps, cloaked in darkness. Dad then took a few steps back as the figure came. Finally, the figure stepped into the light.

It was 10:30 pm, and I was riding my bike to get eggs from a mart nearby. I went into the store, bought a dozen eggs, and got out. Instead of taking my bike home, I forgot that I came by bike, as I usually come by walk to go to the mart. I went directly home without even a little thought in my mind that I had forgotten the bike back at the mart. So, I entered my home, then my room, and went to sleep. The next day, at around 6 am, my father hurriedly entered the room, woke me up, and told me that the bike had been stolen. A lot of ranting that day. After an hour or so, we went to the nearby police station, filed an FIR, and came back home. After two days, I again went to the mart and saw the bike there. Still, no clue that it was I who lost it here two days back. I thought I had found our "stolen" bike. The next day, we went back to the same police station, told them to cancel the previous FIR as we had found our bike. They canceled it, and we went back home. All this happened six or seven months ago, but today the "patwar khana" (lower court but more powerful than the police), called my father to come ASAP. My father went there and was chilled to the bone to know that the SSP of that thana had filed a 'kachhi' FIR against my father, saying that "he had wasted the time of the police" and asked the court to give six months' jail time to my father. My father was in the AC Rural Islamabad office, and they had a conversation about this, as everything that happens comes under his jurisdiction. He told my father to give 10,000 rupees to him so his case would be resolved. After negotiating, he agreed for 5,000 rupees and 2,000 rupees to be given at that moment and 3,000 rupees tomorrow. I heard it from my childhood that every single government department of our motherland is extremely corrupt, especially the police. This is what they do after doing CSS and becoming ACs and SSPs.

It was 10:30 pm, and I was riding my bike to get eggs from a mart nearby. I went into the store, bought a dozen eggs, and got out. Instead of taking my bike home, I forgot that I came by bike, as I usually come by walk to go to the mart. I went directly home without even a little thought in my mind that I had forgotten the bike back at the mart. So, I entered my home, then my room, and went to sleep. The next day, at around 6 am, my father hurriedly entered the room, woke me up, and told me that the bike had been stolen. A lot of ranting that day. After an hour or so, we went to the nearby police station, filed an FIR, and came back home. After two days, I again went to the mart and saw the bike there. Still, no clue that it was I who lost it here two days back. I thought I had found our "stolen" bike. The next day, we went back to the same police station, told them to cancel the previous FIR as we had found our bike. They canceled it, and we went back home. All this happened six or seven months ago, but today the "patwar khana" (lower court but more powerful than the police), called my father to come ASAP. My father went there and was chilled to the bone to know that the SSP of that thana had filed a 'kachhi' FIR against my father, saying that "he had wasted the time of the police" and asked the court to give six months' jail time to my father. My father was in the AC Rural Islamabad office, and they had a conversation about this, as everything that happens comes under his jurisdiction. He told my father to give 10,000 rupees to him so his case would be resolved. After negotiating, he agreed for 5,000 rupees and 2,000 rupees to be given at that moment and 3,000 rupees tomorrow. I heard it from my childhood that every single government department of our motherland is extremely corrupt, especially the police. This is what they do after doing CSS and becoming ACs and SSPs.

I know it was your first relationship. At 28, you had already been through so much, having been on your own for 13 years. You were forced to grow up too fast, and had to prioritize yourself, building a life from nothing. I get it. It was your fierce independence that made me fall for you in the first place.
I always knew that trying to build a life with you was going to be a struggle. I thought it would be worth it, for both of us. You deserve to have someone in your corner, that always has your back. You shouldn’t have to be alone. I don’t know if you believed the same.
I think I gave up too much of myself for you. Was that my mistake or yours? Did you really ask for too much, or did I give too freely without expectation for anything in return? Maybe both. Probably more on me. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
Compromise. It really does all come down to that. I tried to show you its importance, but in the process I ended up being the only one willing to do it. Me getting to pick what movie we watched or getting to plan a date became something I only got to do on special occasions. You said you felt like you didn’t know me, but so many times in so many ways I offered up little pieces of me to you. I share myself by sharing the things I love with the people I love. But more and more towards the end, all you’d say was “no”. Ignoring any context. Ignoring those pieces of me.
I know you don’t like movies about kids. I know asking to watch Home Alone during Christmas was a big ask. But it was a tradition that I shared with my dad, who I lost just over a year before. I know you think that traditions are pointless, but it was important to me. My earliest memories are of that. I needed to continue on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone. I needed you there, your support. It was such a small gesture I was asking of you, but all I got was “no”. Instead we watched a movie you picked: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. A movie made by the exact same people that made Home Alone, and with even more kids.
We wanted to go to Ireland. Personally I’ve been wanting to go for years, but couldn’t because of my dad’s illness along with everything else going on. You knew that in the last 3 years I lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, my dad. I couldn’t risk going so far away for so long while everyone was sick. My mom saw me giving up the latter half of my 20s for my family, when she was hoping I would be enjoying life and seeing the world. That’s why she was happy to give us the money to have the trip of our dreams. I explained all of this to you while you were struggling to find a way to save for the trip. All my mom wanted in return was a single nice photo of us. That wasn’t even a requirement for the money. She just wanted to see me with the person that I love making our dreams come true. I know you hate having your picture taken. The only attention your dad ever gave you was when he wanted to test a new camera. It’s a trauma trigger. But I was only asking for one picture. You’d compromise for your friends, you’d compromise for your sister. You’d take pictures with them. Why wouldn’t you compromise for your partner, and the other most important person in your partners life? After a year, we have 3 pictures together, none of which are very good. I know that I was asking for a lot, but I felt so less important than everyone else in your life. Maybe you felt that as your partner, I was to be held to a higher standard? I honestly don’t know. All you said was “no”.
You admitted yourself I was so supportive. I always prioritized you. From always making your tea before mine, to giving you the better looking plate at dinner, to planting all of your favorite flowers in my garden. I always complemented you, how smart you are, how beautiful you are, how driven and independent you are. Your friend needed a ride to a 5k and someone to cheer them on? I was there. You needed someone to drive you around while your car was in the shop for 2 months? No problem. Accidentally overdrew your account again, and you couldn’t afford the late fees? Here’s $50. Need to move on short notice? I’m the guy tearing apart and moving your furniture. You have a migraine so bad you can’t eat? I’m bringing you pedialyte and sleeping on your couch, even though I didn’t actually get any sleep. I learned all your rituals so not to trigger your OCD. There are countless other examples. I never said no. I never complained. You rarely said so much as “thank you”.
The big one. The thing that ended us. You’re right, we did sit down like adults time and time again and talked things out. You said you needed me to anticipate your needs. You’d get overwhelmed, and couldn’t articulate what you needed from me. You couldn’t stand being asked what you needed. You just needed me to start helping. “Mental loads” and all that. I took that to heart. But I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’d miss the mark. Tried to support you, but in the wrong way. Even in my failures I showed effort, but you never seemed to see that. You only focused on how I failed.
We recognized that this was a problem caused by both of us. The communication wasn’t getting through. But I had already adapted to your communication style as much as I could. My exited, rambling, almost impulsive way of generating ideas became slow, methodical, thoughtful. I put intention behind everything so not to overwhelm you. I learned not to jump at the obvious solution.
Yes, we sat down like adults and talked things over time and time again. You told me what you needed from me, but I also told you what I needed from you. If I was missing the mark, please just guide me to what you needed. I’m not a mind reader. I did it for you all the time. You were honestly awful at anticipating my needs too. If I was venting, had a bad day, all you’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. So I had to show you how I needed support. I just needed you to do the same for me. “No”. Again.
One final time, I sent you words of support when you were having a bad day. It wasn’t enough, you wanted more. A phone call? For me to come over so you could vent in person? Did you actually want me to directly help for once? I don’t know. You never told me. Instead of guiding me to what you needed, you immediately shut down. Full silent treatment. I’ve been in abusive relationships where the silent treatment was welded as a weapon. I know you didn’t mean it in an abusive way, you were just overwhelmed again. But I never expected it from you. I didn’t see it for what it was. I only ever asked one thing from you to save us. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I wasn’t even asking you to put in effort on my behalf, it was for your benefit. I begged you time and time again for help. To communicate. Not to put it all on me, because I couldn’t do it on my own. But instead, you did the opposite.
You said that you felt like you were putting more effort into the relationship than I was. I’m sorry, but I can’t see that effort. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t. Maybe you mean you put effort into forgiving me every time I messed up? Maybe you mean that you were always planning dates, always picking what we watched, where we went, what we ate, what we drank? Again, mental loads and such. But I had things that I wanted to do and share with you that you always turned down. You only had to plan everything after my plans were rejected. It would have been more efficient for you to show love, patience, and compromise.
And then you left.

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storm, story, straight, strange, stranger, strategic, strategy, stream, street, strength, strengthen, stress, stretch, strike, string, strip, stroke, strong, strongly, structural, structure, struggle, student, studio, study, stuff, stupid, style, subject, submit, subsequent, substance, substantial, substitute, succeed, success, successful, successfully, such, sudden, suddenly, sue, suffer, sufficient, sugar, suggest, suggestion, suicide, suit, summer, summit, sun, super, supply, support, supporter, suppose, supposed, Supreme, sure, surely, surface, surgery, surprise, surprised, surprising, surprisingly, surround, survey, survival, survive, survivor, suspect, sustain, swear, sweep, sweet, swim, swing, switch, symbol, symptom, system, table, tactic, tail, take, tale, talent, talk, tall, tank, tap, tape, target, task, taste, tax, taxi, tea, teach, teacher, teaching, team, tear, technical, technique, technology, teen, teenager, telephone, telescope, television, tell, temperature, temporary, ten, tend, tendency, tennis, tension, tent, term, terms, terrible, territory, terror, terrorist, test, testimony, testing, text, than, thank, thanks, that, the, theater, their, them, theme, themselves, then, theory, therapy, there, therefore, these, they, thick, thin, thing, think, thinking, third, thirty, this, those, though, thought, thousand, threat, threaten, three, throat, through, throughout, throw, thus, ticket, tie, tight, time, tiny, tip, tire, tissue, title, to, tobacco, today, toe, together, toilet, token, tolerate, tomato, tomorrow, tone, tongue, tonight, too, tool, tooth, top, topic, toss, total, totally, touch, tough, tour, tourist, tournament, toward, towards, tower, town, toy, trace, track, trade, tradition, traditional, traffic, tragedy, trail, train, training, transfer, transform, transformation, transition, translate, translation, transmission, transmit, transport, transportation, travel, treat, treatment, treaty, tree, tremendous, trend, trial, tribe, trick, trip, troop, trouble, truck, true, truly, trust, truth, try, tube, tunnel, turn, TV, twelve, twenty, twice, twin, two, type, typical, typically, ugly, ultimate, ultimately, unable, uncle, undergo, understand, understanding, unfortunately, uniform, union, unique, unit, United, universal, universe, university, unknown, unless, unlike, until, unusual, up, upon, upper, urban, urge, us, use, used, useful, user, usual, usually, utility, utilize, vacation, valley, valuable, value, variable, variation, variety, various, vary, vast, vegetable, vehicle, venture, version, versus, very, vessel, veteran, via, victim, victory, video, view, viewer, village, violate, violation, violence, violent, virtually, virtue, virus, visibility, visible, vision, visit, visitor, visual, vital, voice, volume, voluntary, volunteer, vote, voter, voting, wage, wait, wake, walk, wall, wander, want, war, warm, warn, warning, wash, waste, watch, water, wave, way, we, weak, weakness, wealth, wealthy, weapon, wear, weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.