I understand the power of forgiveness and understand that it is essential to being happy.
Recently I talked to my ex-wife and forgave her for everything she did during our marriage (several infidelities and a lot of lies and secrets).
I also took responsibility for anything I did to contribute to our problems.
It was my understanding that forgiveness would free me from my anger and enable me to move on with my life.
But that’s definitely not what happened. It still just kills me when I think about what was going on behind my back.
I kind of feel like I let her off the hook by giving forgiveness without an admission or apology on her part.
So, I gave forgiveness and if anything it made me feel worse.
Am I a petty shallow person?

How do I get over infidelity? Long story but my wife and I were together for 11 years and married for over 6.
I had severe undiagnosed mental health issues resulting in me (in recent months/years) being a less than ideal husband. I was never violent or anything but just couldn't love my wife like she needed and rather than discussing this with me she left me and I've since found out she cheated.
I'm a much healthiebetter version of myself now and whilst I don't want her back I need to find a way to forgive hemove past her infidelity as we share a 4yr old together.
Any suggestions/advice appreciated!

It's been a long time since I last used Reddit, but this has been on my mind lately and I wanted to know what other people think about this since It's a really sensitive topic for me and I just can't stop thinking about it.
I (16M) have my best friend (19F) who broke up with her boyfriend (17M) some months ago, I'll call her Lucy, and her ex, Jack.
A lot of things happened for them to break up, I'll try to keep it short.
First of all, Jack and I met when I was 12 through an Instagram group since we both liked art and that stuff. Lucy was already my friend by some months by that time, and we both hated Jack. He was extremely racist, homophobic, transphobic, everything. There was not a single good thing about this man. He used to sexualize me for being a trans guy, commenting gross things on my posts whenever it had my face, and much more.
And for some reason, Lucy and him ended up dating. I don't know how. But I accepted it since she was my best friend and thought "well if she's happy then I'll just keep up with it".
At the same time, I was in a relationship with a guy (16M), through the internet. I'll keep it short, he sexually abused me, deteriorated my mental health, cheated on me 3 times, and this is just the beginning.
Lucy and Jack knew about this, but Lucy couldn't help me because I was 12, whenever she would've talked to me about his toxic behavior I'd just brush it off because I "loved him" and he was just confused or whatever excuse I'd find to keep him as the good guy.
And including Jack wouldn't let me and Lucy talk a lot since he would get "jealous" saying that he "wanted to be my best friend" and not her. He would check her chats and see our conversation and TEXT THROUGH THEM to try and talk to me when I wouldn't answer him.
Time passed by and I got off that relationship when I was 14, met someone else at that time and started dating them. But it was kind of toxic too, we broke up once because I couldn't communicate properly, then he came back and asked me to try again, he broke up again with me because "distance wasn't his thing". So I let him go.
He made a lot of gross comments about my at the time boyfriend, and kept sexualizing me and trying to make my boyfriend leave me just because "he was there first."
I had it and blocked him, I spent months having to deal with his non stopping messages about how sorry he was through Lucy, since she was kinda by his side.
Well, some months ago he broke up with her because, in his words, he couldn't handle being with her because he still missed me a lot and the fact she was my best friend made him feel miserable.
Oh well.
Time passed by and some weeks ago Lucy told me she found something I might wanna see, when I checked her messages she had sent me screenshots of her ex talking shit about me in a DISCORD SERVER. I guess he was having another conversation when he said this because things before don't make sense, so I'll quote exactly what he said to like a hundred of people in that server about me:
" Oh yeah, I had a friend who fell in love with a 17 year old chilean guy when she was 14. I mean, 14 when she started dating him. But I guess they actually started having something when she was 13."
The others changed topics, and he kept on talking, but now about my newest ex.
" Because she was a dumbass blinded by love and she forgave him 3 times. She doesn't knows how to live without someone's love. "
Again changed topics, and he talked again.
" And she had the audacity to stop talking to me just because of her boyfriend. Just because he was from the USA and German. Just because she's a gold digger, to get a better future and blah blah blah."
" But then I'm the bad guy, he breaks up with her because he got bored and when I do something slightly bad I'm blocked from fucking everywhere, and the fucking stupid bitch forgives him and not me."
"So she's just a bitch with no self-love."
First of all, I wasn't 14, I was 13 when that guy was 17, and started "dating" when I was 12.
Second of all, he changed the whole story to keep as the "cool nice guy" in front of his friends. And not only that, he used female pronouns on me knowing I've been a trans guy since I was 9. There's no excuse to call me "she" when he knew from the moment he met me.
It's humiliating to know he told everyone about it, and I got an Instagram notification about him taking screenshots of old NSFW drawings I did of me and my groomer when I was 13, and showed to him because I didn't know who else to tell since Lucy wouldn't talk to me because of him.
I feel gross and I honestly don't know what to do. He texted all those things on December 2023, and it's been months since then but I don't know if I should do something. I feel like letting go is the best option but I can't stop thinking about how he's just spreading the SA I went through to everyone and I'm just here, suffering the consequences of it. Since when I was 14 I went through the same at school because of my cousin who looked through my phone and found erotic pictures of me and conversations I used to have with my groomer and told everyone the next day. I was harassed for months.
Anything that I could do? I'm confused and at the same time so mad, but sad.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was long, I needed to get a lot of things out.

My (F25) husband (27M) got drunk and slept with a work friend after we had a fight. We've been together six years and married for four. We have always been very happy together and very much in love but my father passed away at 50 years old after being sick for a year and we both changed careers within a short period of time and our marriage suffered.
I started feeling like he was pulling away when he stopped commuting home and acting indifferent. Well, he had an affair. When I found out I almost left him but he was such a mess I didn't feel it was safe to leave to him alone and well I stayed. It took us about a month to sort out that we wanted to work through it.
Due to the nature of his job he's been home for a couple of weeks and we agreed to take this time to travel and "reset." Well, he was immediately cold and disconnected again, he stopped talking about travel, he's not home when I get off work, when we go out and do things we've always enjoyed doing together- it's like I'm not even there. He's asked me for patience and understanding but when I try telling him this isn't right and I need a little more effort/to be shown love, he is completely apathetic, maybe even annoyed.
I've been absolutely miserable waiting for him to show me he wants this and I finally broke down and told him I can't do it but he convinces me he loves me and to stay, that he'll step up. But then the next he thinks I'm unreasonable for asking him to block/unfollow the woman he slept with on social media because "she's just a friend and [he] doesn't even talk to her anymore."
He's simply not taking any steps to repair the damage and I'm praying in time he will because I love him and this marriage so much and know if he does we can get through and be happy. But when do I need to just give up? I believe in him but I'm starting to wonder why because of the inconsistency and now I feel trapped between wanting to be set free and wanting to be with him. I can't decide and just feel like either way it's going to suck.
(I apologize for errors, I'm using mobile and I'm emotionally distressed, thank you to anyone who gives this a glance)

Assalamualaikom wa rahmut'Allah wa barakatuhu,
A few days ago, an incident occurred that deeply saddened me. It was such to the extent that initially, I didn't know how I would keep living. I felt the world caved on me, and my heart felt so terribly heavy. Alhamdulillah, just a few days later, the pain has substantially decreased. Is it completely gone? No. But I'm certain that given perhaps a month's time, the hurt will be long gone, by the will and Mercy of Allah. All of this was due to remembrance of Allah, nothing more or less. A quote stuck with me, one made by Shaykh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah, May Allah have mercy upon him; "And know that anyone who loves a thing more than Allah then it is inevitable that he be hurt by the thing he loves". My brothers and sisters, Tawhid isn't just a matter of belief and the acts of worship that typically come to mind. We don't have to prostrate to a thing to worship it. It begins within the heart. Allah SWT tells us in the Quran "Have you seen the one who has taken their own desires as their god?" (25:43) Once a thing consumes your mind and becomes the source of your happiness and dependance, it becomes similar to a god over you. You become blinded, and take any measure to keep it in your grasp. But the reality is, the happiness that you are looking for will never be achieved through anything of this life. As long as that thing remains, your happiness remains. And as long as it leaves, your happiness leaves with it. If you are enduring some type of emotional pain, know that the only ultimate solution is the remembrance of Allah. "Surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find comfort" (13:28) This is a promise. A promise made by Allah SWT is an everlasting promise. "Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth" (30:60) You have to start off from the base. A strong foundation makes for a strong house. And the foundation of Iman in Allah is Tawhid. Take time to understand this and let it really soak in, and I promise you by Allah that any pain you are feeling will greatly minimize. Do that which pleases Allah. Perfect your prayers, perfect your character, perfect your manners with everyone around you. Increase in dhikr, and often ask for Allah's forgiveness. And remember additionally that happiness is not the state of being we should strive for, but contentment. True inner peace. Don't chase after these temporary dopamine rushes. You will find yourself going from an unnatural sense of happiness to an unnatural sense of sadness, and this is not normal. It will eventually burn you out and leave you depressed. Keep these things in mind in Sha Allah, and I ask Allah to uplift whatever difficulty you are enduring and replace it with ease.

Title:

Talio's Codex

Author:

J. Alexander Cohen

Summary:

Is love worth destroying his reputation?
Ten years ago, the theft of his codex destroyed Talio Rossa’s career as a magistrate in the four cities. But when his ex-wife—finally willing to forgive finding him in bed with a man—presents him a long-shot legal case, he has the chance to get his career back on track.
While fighting to rejoin the legal community, Talio uncovers a conspiracy so big it threatens the origins of the four cities themselves. Their prosperity is only thanks to their connection by magical floating waterways and the brilliance of their legal system, now regarded as near scripture.
To save his career, Talio must work with both the one who doomed his marriage and the hooded, heretical man who sets his heart aflame but is determined to plead guilty to a murder he didn't commit. To stand a chance of winning the case, saving his career and the man of his dreams, Talio will have to uncover an explosive secret destined to blow the legal system apart.

Trigger Warnings:

• Angst (intense emotional scenes)
• Discrimination (religious and sexual orientation/gender)
• Dubious consent
• Explicit sex scenes
• Infidelity
• Murder (not onscreen, but there’s a homicide trial)
• Cultural/Religious conflict
• Social stigma (facial scarring)
• Suicide (mention)
• Substance use (alcohol, alcoholism)
• Violence (two brief attempts on one character’s life)
• That said, there’s a happy ending – promise!

All the Tropes:

• Courtroom drama
• Legal thriller
• Cozy fantasy noir
• A bit of mystery
• Skyships!
• Gay MCs, love interests, and LGBTQ rep
• Social justice
• Very slow-burn romance (coworkers to lovers)
• Love triangle
• Heist
• Happy ending

Miscellaneous:

• Front Cover
• Author web site
• Release date: July 16, 2024
• ARC format: ePUB only for now

ARC Signup Form

My (45F) husband (41M) has committed to a 28 day career training program on the west coast. We live in the east coast. Great! He’s taking initiative to secure the future! Right? WRONG! He committed to the program without even discussing it with me. Signed, sealed, delivered. He’s in. He told me after the ink was dry. Even that should be forgivable, you say? Indeed that may be so if… one week prior to his decision, the ER doctor had not found a mass on my uterus. I have a follow up scheduled for which, he’ll be gone. Two months prior my daughter (from a previous marriage) announced her pregnancy and has moved in with us, he’ll be missing her baby shower. I’ll be finalizing the move and setting up the shower alone. I do have my son in law but, he’s committed to a new employer and his time is limited. (It’s a long distance move +/- 700 miles. So now, I’m stressed, scared and feeling abandoned. Not to mention… the relationship is still recovering from infidelity (on his part) and he struggles with alcohol addiction. I’ve repeatedly expressed my concerns and my feelings in a respectful manner. I’m met with contempt and anger. He keeps insisting this is “for our future” and his “last opportunity to make something of himself”. As if being a reliable, honest and respectful husband, father (son from previous marriage), grandparent and partner aren’t enough to sustain him. I just wanted to see if there’s something I’m missing. I honestly feel like this is the last straw. If my partner leaves me feeling alone at my most vulnerable, why do I have a partner? Is my thinking unreasonable?

Hi to whoever reads this and thank you for taking the time!
Recently while doing some self reflection I have realized how racism towards my race has affected me deeply. With my race, people have normalized being racist towards my people to where I have learned over time to just laugh it off and that other people are right but the older I get I am realizing how wrong this thinking is and that it is not okay to accept this. I have learned to at least acknowledge it's wrong and now that I should try to stick up for myself especially when my own friends might make passing racist jokes. But with dealing with this issue in the past has caused me to even have internalized racism towards myself and at times towards my race which I am not proud of and even go as far as thinking that if I was another race my life would be easier. I am really glad that God has convicted me and brought this issue to my attention so that I can correct my thoughts and also work through some of the things I have faced.
What I am wanting is for some biblical advice on how to deal with this issue? How can I deal with others being so cruel towards my race sometimes? I know that I should stick up for myself if I can, forgive those who make me feel bad and just pray for them. But sometimes I'm like that's it? That's all I can do. I guess that over time this issue has also caused self-loathing and made me feel extremely bad about myself. I guess I'm not just looking for a bible quote thrown my way (I would still appreciate this though so that I can refer to it when I'm feeling down) but I am also looking for some support on how I can work through this. Anything would help. Thank you!

Been together six years, two kids. Lots of ups and downs in the relationship but I’ve always thought things were fixable. I’ve been feeling “not loved” since July – I reached out to a long-distance ex in December telling her that things weren’t good here, that I missed feeling loved, that I was sorry for how I treated her ten years ago and my general struggles. Spouse found out on my phone, I told her I had no interest in leaving her, that I loved her. Stopped all communication with the ex. Acknowledged it was an emotional affair.
In February my spouse started a romantic affair with a previous partner (his affair from 9 years ago that was left unfinished) which turned sexual when she was flying to another city to visit a girlfriend. I found out three weeks ago while snooping her phone – while trying by best to repair things at home. I felt absolutely betrayed. She booked him a flight and expensive hotels beyond our means for them to have a four-day seaside retreat / bang fest together coming up in June. She denied it – said he didn’t have a credit card and gave her cash to book a flight, but when I told her I saw everything and reached out to him and said “Hey, we live together, we’re raising kids together and she’s not single” she began packing to move to her sisters.
For three weeks since D-Day I’ve been doing everything against Chump Lady’s advice – I’ve begged, proposed, wrote letters that I can forgive her because I wasn’t very good in December (although the scale is very different). I’ve offered to do anything to fix things – but she’s beyond checked out and still communicating with him. She fully moved out last week and I have a lawyer drafting a separation proposal. I’ve told her that I can forgive the past – but I can’t forgive her going on the trip with him in three weeks. I’ve offered money for the hotels ($600/night) – take the kids, I’ll stay home etc.
I have been going to counselling since January – I’ve gone four times in the past month. Going again tomorrow. A quote that my counsellor told me “She’s showed you that she is the kind if person who can betray her partner without remorse. Think about this - Is she really the kind of person you should WANT to stay in a relationship with”. The logic brain says – no, but my heart does. I love her, our kids, her family. I know we can fix things. I have been trying so hard in communicating since January, trying to rebuild trust, thinking about the relationship – but if they go on their affair week adventure I don’t know if I can ever forgive and move forward with her. She seems fully intent on moving forward with her adventures.

Hi everyone,
I have known this person since I was 12 yo, she always have been controling and childish like being upset at me for having others friends and not hangout with her as much, so we fought a lot and with time I got feed up with her behavior and I started to cut her of, but everytime we stop talking for months she cames back again everytime, even if I caused a big problem that's unforgivable she will always come back to my life with one way or other. In the first year of high school I cut off all my friends including her cuz I was dealing with depression, so we didn't talk for the all high school period, and she didn't try to comeback cuz I treated her very bad just to make sure that she won't comeback in my life again, but soon after graduating she forgot everything and be friended me again and at the time I was feeling guilty about the way I treated her so I allowed it, and I thought that things maybe changed and she wouldn't use me again or be upset about anything I do or I say.
We were alright, but I noticed that she only talk or come visit me when she needs something and she never attempt to ask about me or how I am without having a reason that benefits her, even if she knew that I'm dealing with something she never asks except if she needed something or someone to talk to about her problems.
A week ago, she visited me and start talking about one of her exs, they broke up two years ago, but she told me that she missed him, and asked me to message him just to know if there is someone in his life, and because I don't know him personally I refused hardly and I tried to convince her to not think about him anymore cuz it's not healthy for her, but she got upset at me and said that I'm not a good friend and if I asked to do so she will do it without question (note: I have never asked anything from her ever, accept forgiveness for the way I treated her back at the time, cuz to this day I still feel guilty about it), she went home upset and I didn't think much about it cuz that's the right thing to do.
Until yesterday, her mom called me asking to visit her urgently, I went and her mom was crying and told me her daughter lost her vision, she blind now. I went to her room and she was in a terrible situation, she was looking at one direction in the room with tears in her eyes, I started talking to her and comforting her, even if it was hard for me cuz I was sad seeing her in that situation. Then her mom taked me a side and told me that the doctor told her that she have a mental problem cuz her eyes is fine so she figured that her ex is the cause of that, cuz the night before she was thinking about him and telling her mom about how he is the perfect one for her and no one's like him and she wish she can have him back, but the mother think other wise so that got her really angry and maybe that what causes her losing her sight.
So her mom asked me to talk to him and tell him what happened to her and see how he gonna react to it, if he reacted poorly then she will know that he is bad for her and she will stop think highly of him. First, I was hesitant but she convinced me, and I did (big mistake I know), that ex is their neighbor, so he knows me but not in a personal level I never talk or even looked at him, so when I called him, I said that I'm his ex's friend and I heard that she is blind and if he knows what happened to her exactly cuz I lost contact with her, the poor guy was shocked just as me when I first saw her in room, but he said that he knows nothing and he can't contact her, cuz she blocked him from everything and she acts like she doesn't know him every time they meet eye to eye (note: he only know that I'm her friend but he doesn't know which friend) at the end he told me if he heard something he will tell me and I should do so too, cuz he is worried about her. Hearing that she was happy and she told me that I should tell her everything cuz he will definitely message me .
I went home feeling terrible about her situation and what I have done, at night he messaged me asking if there is any news and I told him that I talked to her mother and what the doctor said to her, he said he have no way to talk to her but he will be praying for her. After she called me at 1am asking if he called or anything and I told her what he said and she was upset saying that I should have convinced him to visit her instead she said and I quote " I did all of this just to make him talk to me and you didn't try to convince him to do so" even if I tried by saying that it's alright to talk to her mom cuz they are neighbors.
I didn't slept all night thinking about the situation and I may have been played by her and her mom, or maybe her mom is played by her too cuz she is the only child so her mom can't say NO. Maybe she is fooling everyone just to get her ex's attention, and I feel super bad for myself, her mom and the ex, but I'm afraid that she may be really blind and I'm overthinking it, but in the other hand if I woke up blind my only concern will be my health not other people and I won't ask anyone to do something like this ever, that what make me feel like she is lying at us and we all being manipulated by her.
While writing this she called me, she still didn't get her vision back and she asked me not to talk to him until she asks me to, and to not delete my conversation with him.
I know I'm a bad person for doing what I have done, I feel terrible about the situation, and I wish to find a way to cut her from my life, cuz she traumatized me everytime, and I have tried everything in my power but she always come back, but what if she lost her sight for real and by doing so I will be more bad, cuz I won't be happy if my friends left me if I had health problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

Disclaimer:
This post has heavy spoilers to the story of the version 2.2 and maybe to something else. Good luck to read all of this. I yap for Ena and maybe repeat myself little too much. Mentioned characters:
Sunday
Robin
Aventurine
Dreammaster
Bronya
Seele
Cocolia
Mentioned Aeons:
Ena
Xipe
Hooh
Long
Oroboros
Qlipoth
Mentioned organisations:
Beyond the Sky Choir
Astral Express
Family
In loving memory: Ena the Order “The one who transcends the many”
In loving memory of Tazzyrronth the Propagation “The Sand king”
In loving memory of the Great Tatalov “The Garbage King”
So, the original intent behind this post was to create a lot of puns about Order and Sunday (for example something like Golden Order Radagon Sunday, “I will have order” with Sunday and a falling train instead, Sunday working in a delivery and saying that someone’s order was cancelled).
But then I started remembering all parts of Penacony storyline that have fascinated me. And one particular part master stroked me. When Sunday used his “tell the truth or die in 24 hours voice magic” he used not the power of Order, but Harmony – the Path he supposedly deliberately left behind and betrayed.
How can I be so sure, that he didn’t use the power of Order, making it look like the power of Harmony? Well, nor Dr. Ratio, nor Aventurine, nor Welt, nor (most importantly) Robin didn’t notice any sign that the Order was used and that the power on display did in fact belong to Harmony. And mind you, all of them are quite clever, experienced and hard to deceive. And in Aventurine’s conversation with Acheron in the Horizon of existence, Acheron (who as Self-Annihilator isn’t affected by the illusions of Order and can see through them) referred to the brand, used on Aventurine as the “brand of Harmony”. And the last proof is that when Sunday uses this power, he makes a call (or if you are a pun enjoyer like me, “an order”) to Xipe, referring to THEM as “Triple-faced soul”.
So, this was a really long and a roundabout way to prove that even with his supposed devotion to Order, Sunday still remains the Pathstrider of Harmony (and the laws of the HSR universe dictate, that you become a Pathstrider by following a philosophy of a particular Path). While being a Pathstrider of two Paths is not called impossible in the game, and Harmony and Order mostly overlap, there are some key differences between them. It means, that Sunday to some extant still believes in a philosophy of Harmony and is not a complete devotee of Order, how some people could have believed.
So, the goal of this post is to delve on the philosophy of Ena and Harmony through Sunday’s story, words, thoughts and actions. And to make some obnoxious theories, but that’s later.
So, let’s begin!
Ⅰ
In his childhood, Sunday alongside Robin, was called by the Dreammaster “two best interpreters of the Great One”. That means, that as a child, Sunday was extremely close to the philosophy of Harmony.
Let’s remember what Harmony embodies as a philosophy:
“Then, they say, O you who have reached the end, enter into the paradise that envelops all! Join this great choir and feast, listen to the beating of billions upon billions of hearts, holding you in THEIR embrace...”
“To battle the brutality of the laws of the universe, intelligent lifeforms must discard their cowardly selfishness and the differences between individuals, fusing into one singular melody — to have the strong help the weak, and to protect life with death.”
That is what Harmony preaches and Sunday was a follower of this ideology. Harmony preaches selfless people not only helping and uplifting each other to build “the paradise” (a prominent theme in Sunday’s thoughts) bit also welcoming every other willing person. Harmony philosophy is about acceptance, forgiveness, cooperation, that no person is beyond redemption, that in every person has inside of them the force that genuinely cares for others and strives for good. Harmony preaches something like this: “Because if it is possible for every person to become a member of Family’s shared paradise, then we should at lest try to welcome them in it.” That’s why Harmonic Strings (Emanators of Xipe) are not people and are actually manifestations materialized as the responses to the Hive Mind’s demands. It is a seemingly naïve and romantic ideal for the sometimes and indifferent brutal universe of HSR that requires great kindness, compassion, understanding, belief in other people, ability to see the better in other people and uplift them. And Sunday-follower of Order reflects on that:
"When I appeared as a child, my speech, mindset, and soul reflected immaturity and innocence."
"As I grew into adulthood, I left behind my childlike side."
Sunday (as shown in the quest) was a person of great understanding, compassion, and love for other living beings, full of desire to protect them (bird, Robin, other people). He was able to embrace even the worst people if they would show even the slightest glimpse of desire to redeem themselves and change for the better, like people who allegedly sold their own children. It is notable that he both acts as a follower of Harmony and an enforcer of Order conspiracy because of these very character traits. The motivation is the same, just the choice how to act based on this motivation is different between him and Robin because of different experiences.
As the ardent believer of Harmony, the seed of doubt in his mind was planted ironically by the very followers of the Harmony -the Family. And the disillusionment about Harmony also began, when his belief in other people was tested. When asking Xipe to clear his doubts, Sunday asks three questions:
“Who can judge the strong when their power hides their crimes?”
“Who can vouch for the weak when they will pay any price to survive?”
“If "the strong defending the weak" is truly the foundation of paradise, then who is responsible for the suffering and anguish in this wretched world?”
The questions display that the preached Harmony doesn’t work as intended. The extremely hard ideal to follow was exactly too demanding for numerous people who couldn’t stand up to the responsibility that came with upholding it. Also, as displayed both in the main quest of Penacony and in numerous events and side quests, flaws and imperfections of Family(note: of the Family on Penacony) are numerous. We have an entire “Ode to Fool” in the Grand Theatre about internal bloodthirsty war between the Family, where two of the seven families of Penacony ceased to exist. When even Family: those who preach the Odes of Harmony don’t act as they preach, are not harmonious, don’t show compassion and forgiveness, it is extremely hard to still believe in its teachings. And from that, the belief in people starts to slowly crumble as the very belief in a possibility of a paradise preached by the Xipe, is tested.
That is what turns him to Order. The feeling that while the paradise of Harmony is theoretically possible, how much suffering must people experience before it actually arrives. And when will it arrive? And IF it will arrive? These doubts in human inherent desire to change for the better leads to the idea: “And what if they don’t change? Then why take the risks? Why not to create something that guarantees their safety, happiness and protection?” His desire for Order is still born from his love for humanity.
Ⅱ
And while the shift in beliefs did in fact happen, it wasn’t completed and some beliefs in Harmony remain, alongside doubts about the philosophy of Order.
To prove that, let’s remember the Grand Theatre part of the quest (“Everything that Rises Must Converge”).
Before that Dreammaster has a particularly interesting conversation with Sunday. Sunday not only changes their plan, taking Robin’s place in the plan and then he asks Dreammaster why Penacony was the chosen planet to bring “paradise” of the Order. If he was completely convinced, why would he pose these questions?
Sunday several times brings the part of 107,336 souls of the Oak Family in his monologues. Why? Because he uses them to give self-validation to his beliefs. It comes not only from his desire to grant “paradise” to everyone (and this guys as stated dreamed about the paradise of Order), but also from his self-perceived responsibility as the Head of the Oak Family to stand up to wishes and desires of his subordinates, to protect them, and as the man with greatest position among them, to fulfil the hardest task. Because if people he is in charge of follow and support his views, not only it gives him more belief in his set of beliefs(ha), but also gives him even greater responsibility to prove that their faith in him, in Order is not misplaced.
In first two acts he displays before us shortcomings of the Harmony, trying to display himself as the ardent believer of the Order:
In the first act “Ode to Prisoner” he says that the freedom was not really achieved in Penacony’s great Independence War, posing a doubt that the ideal of Harmony even existed in Penacony since the very beginning.
In the second act “Ode to Fool” the theme of not so harmonic Harmony remains. Sunday talks about internal civil war between the Family, that eradicated two of the seven families on Penacony. How “harmonic” it is!
But in the last and most important act “Ode to Order” has a surprisingly different theme, hidden in it.
It is supposedly talking about the future of Penacony, but there is something more if you listen to its content once again:
General: “Without a ruler who would protect the weak and fight back against the tyrants?”
Chansellor: “We must assist each other in protecting the weak, just as we must assist each other in opposing the tyrannical.”
This dialogue argues that the very measures Sunday preaches, are not required for the coexistence and unification are also an option. Case of how differently Order and Harmony solve one problem.
Jester: “Without a ruler, who will make the stars follow their paths, the tides rise and fall, and allow life to grow?”
C: “These things did as they will long before the ruler appeared, just as they will continue to do with rulers gone.”
Where the Order requires an all-mighty divine king, controlling the world (like God-Emperor of Mankind from Warhammer), Harmony simply says that actually such beings are not needed.
Minister: “However, now that we have bid farewell to our ruler. Who shall take their place?”
C: “We no longer require a ruler, for we were originally all rulers who stand above all things.”
Once again, order preaches about the ruler on the top of everything, the one who has all of the rights and makes all of decisions. But harmony doesn’t work that way. Harmony preaches that if every person has equal rights to enter its paradise, then they are essentially equal. Where Order differentiates people and treats them differently according to THEIR criteria, harmony does not as THEY are all-embracing.
The choice of the position of Chansellor as the one giving answers is deliberate. It is another innuendo on differences between Harmony and Order. In Order king takes the power and pushes everyone under his control. Chancellor, as the representation of Harmony in this argument, is a position not a person. He is subject to change, unlike king. Unlike king, Chancellor is chosen among the people, by the people. He serves as one man being the voice of many people, for they have chosen him as a Chancellor because their ideals are the same and thus, they have entrusted him to fulfil their ideals in reality in their stead.
Some people were not satisfied that the arguments were not posed against Sunday by the Astral Express. Well, this entire act serves as a counter to his arguments, showing the point of view of Harmony arguing against the necessity of ideals of Order. Most importantly, they don’t disprove hid arguments completely, but rather pose a possible alternative take on things.
The Clockwork doesn’t work on puppets because they are “satisfied”. But what gives satisfaction: Order or Harmony? In my opinion, Harmony. Remember: in THEIR paradise there is “peace bestowed, sorrows and strife released.”
The “king” in the text obviously refers to Ena the Order, and the last talk from the “Future” in the act is about “final rites” to the king, that there is no need to seek THEIR existence, nor remember THEM. It illustrates the final confusion of Sunday: if Ena didn’t fight back while being consumed, if the philosophy of Harmony prevailed in the confrontation among the Paths, why try to restore the Order?
And after that particular act he chose to reveal to us the finale of Ena’s story. That THEY were banished to oblivion by the united will of the people who defied Order. And THEIR death was praised alongside praises for the appearance of Harmony – the ideal that prevailed on Penacony in the end.
And that is what actually 3 is actually about. Puppets(Members of the Beyond the Sky Choir) ask what they and everyone else should do after the “king(Ena)” disappeared.
They feel no safety and out of their comfort zone when the one that controlled everything about their lives suddenly disappeared. And Chancellor’s answers are the representation of the ideology of Harmony, that you don’t need to be controlled to strive in life, for that there is more to universe and that the “king” is not actually required for betterment of society, that society can harmonize and evolve on their own, that the unity of people can replace the “king”. Ironically, “the Ode to Order” doesn’t glorify Order but rather disproves it from being the one and only universal truth.
In this act Sunday actually reveals, intended or not, that he doesn’t disprove Harmony’s ideal, that he subconsciously feels that it can stand on par with the ideal of Order.
Then, Sunday poses between us three questions, each one has different answers depending on your set of believes: order or Harmony. Notice, that Sunday doesn’t give his own answers to the questions.
“Is darkness equal to daylight?”
This question is very metaphorical. Radiance and light, eradicating darkness and giving protection to those under the light are a repeated theme in the ideology of the Order (“I shall ascend to the heavens, becoming the scorching sun. Bathed in my light, my people shall flourish, while all evil shall be eradicated” / “Those who live in the shadows do not bear the right to tread the illuminated stage.” / “I now permit you to gaze into the sun [hardest line in the game btw]”) But radiance is also a term sometimes used to describe Xipe. The greatest difference lies in the fact that what Order will not tolerate (“darkness”), harmony will be able to co-exist with and eventually embrace. So for Order they are different, but for Harmony not at all.
“Are sinners equal to the righteous?”
Order punishes the unjust and uplifts the righteous. For it, they are not equal. But for Harmony they are, mostly because before Xipe the very concept of sinners doesn’t exist. Harmony is all-embracing, for everyone can change for the better and be redeemed.
It is a discourse in philosophy: first question was about whether are you able to tolerate something that goes against you. While Harmony can, Order cannot (Sunday can as literally shown in the quest so he leans more to Harmony in that part). Second question was about whether people can change for the better and be redeemed. Order doesn’t believe in it, Harmony does.
“If you are born weak, which god should you turn for solace?”
It is another question to choose between philosophies because Sunday struggles to choose himself. If you are weak and you bow before someone(“king”) for the protection then this is a choice befitting Order, but if you choose to cooperate with others, uplift one another and “listen beating of billions of hearts holding you on their embrace” then this is the choice of Harmony.
Notice, that Sunday doesn’t consider us as enemies at all. As he says: “I genuinely wish to avoid a violent clash with my esteemed guests from afar.” When Astral Express team asks Sunday why did he invite us to the duel, he responds: “Because our shared goals give equal weight to the beliefs we strive for.” He regards everything happening more like a debate of two equally valid philosophies. Even in the fight with him (second one) he still invites us to join his chorus of Order. And he says “our final talk is concluded” only when he turns into his Embryo of Philosophy form, when literally everyone who could has risen against him. And then he reveals his true emotions:
“If your ‘paradise’ can save more people, sever my path with your hands”
He knows he is not infallible, that his plan can be wrong, that there is a possibility of making better choices, better decisions. And he asks us to prove, that Harmony after all is a stronger concept then that of Order. And his quote before that really makes everything extremely ironic:
“If we had never experienced solitude, how could we embark on different paths?”
Once again, this solitude refers to the times when he still completely followed Harmony. Yet he was the only person on the entire Penacony because of his great compassion, who actually followed what Xipe preached. Yet, in this he was alone. How can you be in Harmony with anyone, if you are alone. The irony is in the fact, that if Robin didn’t leave Penacony, of if he met another genuine believer, he wouldn’t have turn to Order and he would remain under Xipe. With many similarities of Order and Harmony: the epitome of Order is loneliness, being a sole ruler of everything, the epitome of Harmony is a unity of numerous people.
“And thus, my talk about Sunday has concluded. Next part is about Ena.”
Ⅲ
While his monologue about history of Ena can also be interpreted as parts above, it is much more interesting to discuss it when talking about Ena THEMSELVES.
“Let us commence with the dawning of the world… After the Dusk Wars, darkness veiled the sky, and chaos consumed the earth. Ena the Order emerged, destined to restore all existence. That marked the first day.”
The Dusk Wars are one of the most ancient (if not the most) periods of history we know about. Ena emerging at that time, makes THEM one of the oldest Aeons alongside Long, Hooh, Qlipoth and Oroboros.
” THEY gathered nebulae and forged them into picks, thus creating a grand lyre with black and white keys. Strike the white keys, and the sun rose. Strike the black keys moon and the rose. And so the cycle of day and night arose. That marked the second day. “
“THEY transmuted streams of stars into inked nibs, creating symbols to be pronounced and counted. THEY molded stardust into flowing rivers, assigning the righteous upstream and the unjust downstream. Thus, all things were marked and the world learned to discern between good and evil. That marked the third and fourth days. “
“THEY used the planetary rings to establish the law, forging a code of conduct among the masses. A grand lyre with black and white symbols of articulation and numerical notation took the form of musical notes. The downward-flowing river became a melody, and the cannon of law dictated the form. Thus, all mortals found their unique place within this symphony. That marked the fifth and sixth days. “
Ena, as we know was a control freak, at much bigger scale and extent, then Sunday could have ever hoped to become. We know that «Ena's harmonic songs seems to align within a three-dimensional framework, akin to an emperor maintaining hierarchical order among all creatures» Not only people, but the movement of celestial bodies were under THEIR control. THEY wanted to and almost controlled everything in the known cosmos. So, THEY were the only person responsible for everything. And when THEY were consumed, the manager of everything disappeared and the scales of order and discord lost their balance. That is why Hooh intervened and took THEIR responsibilities.
“THEY imbued world with meaning, perfecting all things in the heavens and earth. Then, THEY rested from the labors of creation. Yet, all beings cried to Ena – ‘Under the banner of the Order, you have defined all things in the Cosmos… but this made us realize that we are but puppets in your hands!’ – Thus, on that day, all beings united and cast the Aeon into the abyss of oblivion. That marked the seventh day. “
And this is the most interesting part. We know that Ena was consumed by Xipe, so why does Sunday refer to THEIR death as an action, made by humans?
As we know, Xipe “hails from multiple harmonious celestial words”, “a plural Aeon” and “THEY are the amalgamation of thousands of entities”. Thus, I pose that Xipe ascension was not a process of accension of a one person who somehow become an Aeon, but rather that several beings in a moment of unity (of “harmony”) were ascending as one. Next bit is purely theoretical:
But who could provide such unity before the existence of Harmony? Only the Beyond the Sky Choir – followers of Ena could understand the true extent of Ena’s control over everything and unify to create a change. Thus, mortals ascended into Aeon, befitting their shared beliefs, and from the Beyond the Sky Choir, Xipe arose with a new symphony of Harmony.
ⅠⅤ
Also, some other interesting bits from 2.2. storyline:
The most overlooked part of 2.2 quest for me is that part before boss battle when Sunday says that he doesn’t intend to either resurrect Ena or become a new Aeon of Order. While the actual possibility of such actions remains “enigmatic, we can now speculate that it could be possible to take control of a masterless Path or revive its master. I speculate that when we finally reach strongest Emanators level of poweallies/etc. the enemies we will be facing before actual Aeons will be unique beings like that: fallen Aeons in the process of resurrection or people in the process of becoming a new Aeon of a Path without one.
Another interesting bit of lore about Ena is that while she was “consumed” by Xipe, her Path still lingers in the cosmos masterless. While it was known about Paths of other fallen Aeons it is interesting that even assimilation by a broader concept Aeon isn’t enough to completely eradicate the Path from the face of the cosmos.
Some other connections that I noticed about Sunday while rewatching 2.2 quest were surprising even for me. Name a planet where the ruler intentionally left their subordinates in ignorance about the truth about the events for the sole reason of protecting them? It’s Belobog with Bronya and Seele (I could talk about similarities and differences of Bronya and Sunday but that would make already long post even longer). And this is why Ena was able to persuade Qlipoth. Because Qlipoth shares with THEM that general theme of protection. Because their Paths partly overlap. Because Preservation is about keeping everything dangerous behind the walls (in this case dangerous information about Cocolia), and everything inside the walls is safe, protected, or you could say “in Order”.
Ⅴ
P.S. I feel like in this quest there is still so much more to discuss(and I could write EVEN MORE), but this long wall of text is already too out of character from me as a humble follower of Enigmata.

I’m posting to hear opinions of couples who are happy with their MC and can honestly say it helped them to navigate the R after infidelity. BH experience is most welcome but if you’re a BW or Wayward, go right ahead too.
——
We’ve been going to this particular MC for over a month now (5-ish sessions) and the therapist seems nice and definitely has the tools to help marriages, I’m just not sure she’s equipped to deal with infidelity.
Today we’ve had a particularly difficult session. I was explaining how I’m trying to improve as a husband and partner but dealing with what my trauma cooks for me, consumes a lot of the daily energy quota. And that at some point, my wife needs to be patient and caring with me, not distant – because acting distant out of her fear makes my journey longer and more painful.
Towards the end of the session I was met with a sentence that kind of shook me… therapist said that I might be focusing too much on my trauma – that the relationship is here and now, and trauma is in the past. That my quote of 2-5 years of getting out of trauma might be looking in the wrong direction.

Note: DD1 was in August where I found her affair. DD2 was 2.5 months ago – this was the final admission by my WW with all the details and past affairs (yes, plural). I’m thinking this is way too early to expect me to be in complete control over trauma, no?

We’ve had issues as a couple for many years, then the main A happened, then more information about WW surfaced, and now we have a fraction of original issues as a couple + new ones + lots of appreciation and love for each other. I think it’s easy to be caught in the immediate emotional reaction to a statement like the one above. But can this be actually true?
I personally think MC is kind of… easy (?) if you don’t have infidelity trauma – there are books just out there with so many tools and exercises just ready to be read and implemented.
What makes our situation hard is that I see all the fucking wisdom and knowledge in those books and would love to just apply it to my relationship but my trauma and lack of trust makes it this whole other level of painful and difficult. I think that’s the challenge in MC – we’re not a typical "husband and wife seeking counseling" situation, am I getting this right?
Should I expect MC to not pretend those sessions are just about the communication, the respect and trust, and tackle the issue of infidelity trauma and its effect on our relationship? How would this work, can you give me examples of the difference between normal MC and the one where therapist doesn’t lessen Betrayed’s trauma?
I’m not even mad, I’m just curious if this forum, the books and their USA-centric roots made me too optimistic that MC in Europe can behave in a similar fashion. Am I expecting too much?

Let's go back to season one, where everything started and lowkey set the tone for everything else.
- JWOWW was the IT GIRL! 3/4 Guys and after the boyfriend reveal 2/4 Guys. Her and Ron stayed friends/bestfriends. To quote Ron; "Jlo is my go-to girl in the house."
- Angelina was her closest friend before she left the first time around. They cliqued up together to watch the guys, talk smack and just generally formed a bond in a short amount of time.
- Snooki. Although she disliked her at first towards the end she did really like her.
I think Sam was intimidated by Jenni and I think her insecurity stemmed from that. (For anybody who didn't know; Ron had a crush on Jenni from the NY Party Scene, but when he found out she had a BF he backed off.)
Examples: Snooki telling Sammi that Ronnie left with Jwoww and her first instinct is to "knock a b up." When she arrived, she assumed they hooked up. On Boardwalk Blowups, even though Snooki misspoke and included Jenni in her opinion, the way Sam reacted even after Ron found out it was just Snooki who felt that way. She still included Jenni. Before that she doubled down and said "I don't talk to anybody."
Now, for season two. Prior to S2 starting, Angelina did multiple interviews about JS including talking smack on Mike's cell on speaker phone. So- she was alr on everybody shit list because they agreed to not reveal anything. J420, Joey Yanks, Bill.
- Snooki is Sam's closest friend at this point, but she's also the smallest girl. Y'all know this comes into play when it's revealed Ron had been threatening her and even then pushed her. Even though she adamantly wanted to tell Sam, for safety reasons, she really couldn't. Snooki is 4'9.
- Jwoww was Sam's friend by proxy. They didn't have a deep enough relationship and she was more closer to Ron than Sam. Which makes it so much worse when you found out she told Sam to her face multiple times before the Note even happened.
- Angelina. Although a touchy subject. She really did try to give Ang another chance under the circumstances until Vinny revealed. Also, when she was leaving, Sam was like; "When your friend was over, you treated me very different."
Sam did tell Angelina she would be more inclined to forgive Snooki because "Snooki is harmless." But Snooki would never switch sides because in S1 after the punch, Jwoww really stuck to her side.
Finally, season three. A lot of fourth wall breaks because they made them watch S2 whilst filming S3.
- Deena. All because she's Snooki's friend. Very rude. That whole first night and D is small too.
Even though Sam apologized to Deena & Snooki. Deena said in a confessional, because Jwoww has always been nice to her, her loyalty is with Jwoww. Snooki went to talk to Jwoww about Sam apologizing and Jwoww said; "She didn't apologize to me." I don't think she ever did. Jwoww eventually extended an olive branch.
Honorable Mention: Season Four. Locals were hostile and didn't want them there. Mike going through withdrawals. Jenni had a miscarriage and her grandmother died. Ronpage.
- Sam in confessional said about Jwoww; "Who knew the two enemies in the house would be this close together."
What I take from this cause everybody was really scared. Deena gently pulling Sammi out of the room whilst Jenni tries to deescalate Ron. Vinny makes one off hand remark and Sammi took it literal towards the point Jenni is crying, pleading and begging for her to get out the room.
So I will say by the end of S4, she had girl friends. I'm happy after years of therapy and healing, they were able to have a sit down and discuss.
(No, I'm not defending Ron. I will say the Boys checked out of the Rammi relationship in s2. Mainly because Ron attacked Vinny, held Jenni down so Sam could hit her and etc. Although Vinny was the main one separating fights. The lot of them were sick of production letting it go so long and so far. Hell, even Angelina broke the fourth wall in s2 because Ronnie's interference was so bad. I, also think they used the Arvin Situation to keep them separated because they were mentally exhausted.)

Raksha Bandhan, commonly known as Rakhi, is a beautiful Indian festival that celebrates the bond between brothers and sisters. It's a day dedicated to expressing love, care, and mutual respect. Finding the right words to convey your feelings can make this occasion even more special. Here are some heartfelt Rakhi quotes to help you express your love and appreciation for your sibling.
Classic Rakhi Quotes

1. For Brothers:
   • "A brother is a friend given by nature." – Jean Baptiste Legouve
   • "There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother." – Astrid Alauda
   • "Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet." – Vietnamese Proverb
   • "Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero." – Marc Brown
2. For Sisters:
   • "A sister is both your mirror – and your opposite." – Elizabeth Fishel
   • "Sisters are different flowers from the same garden." – Unknown
   • "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." – Amy Li
   • "A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life." – Isadora James

Inspirational Rakhi Quotes

1. "Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk." – Susan Scarf Merrell
2. "The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend." – Cali Rae Turner
3. "A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams." – Unknown
4. "Sisters are like stars. You may not always see them, but you know they’re always there." – Unknown

Funny Rakhi Quotes

1. "A sibling may be the keeper of one’s identity, the only person with the keys to one’s unfettered, more fundamental self." – Marian Sandmaier
2. "Sometimes I feel ugly, then I look at my brother and I’m okay." – Unknown
3. "My brother has the best sister in the world." – Unknown
4. "Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five." – Pam Brown

Emotional Rakhi Quotes

1. "Dear brother, even though we may fight like cats and dogs, but I will always love you to the moon and back." – Unknown
2. "Sisters may drive you crazy, get into your stuff, and irritate you. However, if anyone else dares say so, a sister will defend you to the death." – Unknown
3. "Brothers are playmates at the beginning and best friends for life." – Unknown
4. "Having you as my sister is the best gift that life has given me." – Unknown

Personalized Rakhi Quotes

1. "To my dearest brother, thank you for being my pillar of strength and my best friend. Happy Rakhi!"
2. "Dear sister, you are my confidante, my partner-in-crime, and my forever friend. Happy Raksha Bandhan!"
3. "Brother, you are my superhero and my best friend. Thank you for being you. Happy Rakhi!"
4. "Sister, you are my guardian angel. Your love and support mean the world to me. Happy Rakhi!"

Quotes from Celebrities

1. "I, who have no sisters or brothers, look with some degree of innocent envy on those who may be said to be born to friends." – James Boswell
2. "What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them." – Esther M. Friesner
3. "A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." – Marion C. Garretty
4. "Brothers and sisters can say things to one another that no one else can." – Gregory E. Lang

Raksha Bandhan is a perfect time to celebrate the unique bond between siblings. Whether you are looking for something sentimental, funny, or inspirational, these Rakhi quotes from Rakhi.com can help you convey your feelings and make your brother or sister feel special. Use these quotes to add a personal touch to your Rakhi celebrations, whether in a card, a text, or during the Rakhi tying ceremony. This Raksha Bandhan, let your words express the love and gratitude you have for your sibling, making the day memorable for both of you.

A while ago I saw a post in here which highlighted an instance where Bimmy explicitly referred to the Frankenstein monster as just "Frankenstein" in one if the early AVGNs, a scandalous occurrence being that he's to this day one of the most uptight, loud and obnoxious preachers of the church of "Frankenstein's the name of the doctor, not the monster"
But would you believe our Chosen One broke his own golden rule again, multiple times in the same video and around the same time (heh) period, too?!
The video that I'm referring to is episode #3 of his classic Godzillathon: King Kong vs Godzilla
As you may or may not remember some of the original plans for that film included Godzilla fighting the Frankenstein monster and a script had already been written, but at some point Toho struck a deal with whatever company owned King Kong and they decided to make him Godzilla's adversary for the film (please forgive any factual errors, I'm a little rusty on my Godzilla trivia)
Bames tells us a variant of this piece of information and even says that the movie was originally supposed to be called "Godzilla vs Frankenstein"
...alright, nothing too strange so far, he's just stating what the original title was supposed to be....
But then he starts talking about how energy from a bunch of lightning makes King Kong stronger and brings him back to life and he adds, at the 1:48 mark: "...another indication that he was originally meant to be FRANKENSTEIN"
All this while showing a photoshopped picture of the Toho Frankenstein monster standing next to Godzilla followed by a picture of the Boris Karloff creature!
.....he just called the monster Frankenstein....again!!!! It's the name of the doctor, not the monster, Bimmy, what are you doing?!
Then he does it AGAIN!
At 3:18: "...but before production Toho decided to change FRANKENSTEIN (accompanied by the same Karloff picture) to Godzilla"
And this is after he specifically named Doctor Frankenstein, who was supposed to create a monster by "sewing together pieces of different animals", which makes it even more abhorrently blasphemous.
Only after the second strike does he start calling it "the Frankenstein monster". I guess no time to re-record the voiceover for the earlier parts, huh Bim?
Our Messiah, our voice of reason has cheated us again? Does he even care about his cause? The reason why he's on this Earth?
To remind people that the name of the monster is not Frankenstein?!
What else can I do but quote the epic words of another Internet has-been which perfectly fit the situation:
"BETRAYAAAAAAAAAAL!"

In my sophomore year of high school I fell in love with this girl. Let’s call her “traitor”. When i first met traitor everything was great,we got along great until…I told her I had feelings for her… that’s when everything had turned to st. She started accusing me of things I wasn’t doing. She started to become uninterested in me. She started to act like I wasn’t worth her time and that hurt my soul. So the rest of that year, traitor and I argued(sometimes my fault and most times her fault) fast forward to my junior year… traitor treated me like complete st. Let me give you some examples of what she did to me:
1.would make offense and hurtful jokes but would get mad when I would do what she was doing

1. she would talk crap about me to all of her friends and have them give me stupid looks and lie about it that she never did any of that and they were all just rumors
   
2. She would make up, lies about my friends, threatening to jump her. When half of them don’t even know her.
   
3. She would blame everything on everybody else except her boyfriend… she could never take the responsibility for herself
   
4. Knowing that I liked her, she would tell me about her and her boyfriend”spicy stuff” which would make me feel sick because she knew that I liked her
   
5. We were only allowed to talk about what she wanted to talk about otherwise it wasn’t important.
   
6. She had given out my number and had her friends cyber bully me, blamed it on them, and threaten to tell the police that I was harassing her if I went to go to the police about her friends.
   
7. She lied that I gotta stay order on her. That said we had to stay 50 feet away from each other.
   
8. I always had to walk on eggshells with her and etc. So after all of this, she had blocked me because she didn’t want to admit her wrongdoings and then when I apologize to her, she had no problem with that
   

so the forgiving part of me decided to give her another chance because I believe in more chances and I always wanna see the best in people . I guess I had made a joke that she didn’t like, but she didn’t let me know(which usually she would make jokes that I didn’t like and I would just have to sit there and take it and keep my mouth shut) she ended up blocking me and when I confronted her about it, she tried to ignore me but when she couldn’t avoid me anymore she said, and I quote:” oh yeah me and my boyfriend talked about it and we both don’t really don’t want to talk to you(a.k.a. you’re not worth my time)”when I heard say that,that broke me. that’s when I shouted in front of all the courtyard “ you wanna f****k up your life that’s on you,go to hell,b****ch “ later I felt so bad about what I had said, and I was thinking of apologizing and giving her another chance but as much as I want to give her another chance, trying to take the little good times we had isn’t worth it. as much as I wanted it to be, but sometimes I do question myself whether I was the a-hole or not and if I should go up to her and apologize.
So,aita for telling her to go to hell?
P.s feel free to give advice,it’s very much needed ❤️ and sorry if this is really bad this is my first time doing this…
and I will also also try my best to give you guys an update if there is one to give.

Before we start, allow me to lay all my cards onto the table: No, this is not me bashing Stellar Blade, just Eve's character (or lack there of). No, this is not going to be a "Culture War" fest or whatever, go find a Marvel movie to complain about. Yes, I am a Bayonetta stan. No, I did not play the game, but I've watched playthroughs and I'm not talking about gameplay anyway. Ok?
So Eve Stellar Blade is the new It girl that's been causing a stir with her "sexy" boobs and butt and it's all talk of the town and la de da. There's people saying she's a "fighting fuckdoll trope", there's men putting her on their anti woke pedstal and saying she's the chosen one that's going restore the world back to the good old days and kill the left like Sydney Sweetie's chest or whatever, and everything in between.
Well I, the local contrarian, have chosen the position to say she's barely sexy at all. Now, is she sexualized, are her developers pushing her into sex symbol status? Yes, that comes with the territory of her defult clothes being Ned Flanders Ski suit and her unlockable outfits including pin up girl cosplay. But is Eve Stellar Blade sexy? The answer is no and here's why:
1) We've seen this before
Oh boy, a woman in spandex so tight she almost looks like she's wearing nothing at all! There's only like 100 other female characters who do that!!
Eve Stellar Blade needs to fire her wardrobe manager because her design is boring AF, just the tried and true Si-Fi spandex that every other girl has worn before. Sad thing is, her unlockable outfits that give her a cute, baggy jacket make her one million times more appealing than the sexy outfit version of cardbord box that she's wearing.
2) She has zero personality
So the worst part of this whole culture war surrounding Eve Stellar Blade is I've been seeing people compare her to Bayonetta and like, first of all, keep the queen's name out your mouth. She's sleeping.
Second of all, forgive my tone but Bayonetta cannot be compared to any old raggedy trick. She is Bayonetta . Everything about her, from her clothes, to her hair, to her personality, to her name , it all demands you pay attention to her. Bayonetta is a stripper dominatrix witch with the personality to match. There has never been a leading lady in gaming like her before, and there most likely won't be another after her. No. Comparison. But even if there was a new girl that tried to take the queen's throne, it ain't Even Steven Blonde.
Quick question, type one quote, something iconic that came from Eve Stellar Blade's mouth. Cuz I can think of several from Bayonetta, byt I'll wait.
Back on track, Sexy is more than just your looks, it's how you carry yourself. You think the reason why all the girlies are thirsting after corpse man from Fallout is because they have a no nose fetish??? No!!! It's because that guy is charming and endlessly confident. Bayonetta is charming, endlessly confident, and the baddest bitch of every room she ever walked into.
What does Even Stellar Blade do, other than rely on her looks to secure anti wokers? I'll tell you what, nothing!! She has zero personality, zero charisma, zero prescence, her aesthetic is looking like an airbrushed Korean model in Spandex, and her greatest assets aretried and true gainaxing that's been in every game ever! Yall are comparing this girl to Bayonetta when Mother brought you disappearing clothes AND monstergirls? I'd ask you to raise your standards, but worshipping Even Steven requires you not have any anyway.

TL;DR

Eve Stellar Blade is a bitch and Bayonetta's son. She is also the J Lo of video game girls.

What's up guys and girls. I just got out of a 2 year relationship. Ex gf emotionally cheated on me, so I left. I felt crushed and alone because she was my everything, my lover, partner, best friend, supporter, everything. But now I am all I have. But now after 5 weeks I am feeling better. I have used the negativity and lonelieness and sadness and pain as energy to drive myself forward. And you don't need a breakup to learn this way! Here's my tips on how to become happier during your alone periods:

1. Journaling. Journaling helped me a lot to think thorough of my weaknesses, flaws, and strengths. It helps you observe yourself to better understand yourself. It's best to do this with a clear head so you're not biased against yourself. At first it may seem pointless since you're just writing it, but that's the point. Thats the start to self realization by knowing what and who and why you are the way you are.
2. Forgive yourself. Whether you messed up by trusting the wrong person, not being good enough, having any anger issues, not trying hard enough. Forgive yourself, do not burden yourself with yourself. Forgive yourself and ask yourself what you can do to change whatever it is you're giving yourself a hard time with. Forgiving yourself and learning to love yourself is a big step to living a peaceful life because you may underestimate what you can do in a year, 2 years, 3 years, 10 and even 20 years. Your life goes on and even though you may not like this chapter you're in right now you can always make changes to create better ones.
3. Go out for a walk under the sun! Does not matter if it's too hot or too cold. Exercise stimulates your brain and body to relaxation, and after walking for so many miles I'm sure it won't seem much of a chore after. Plus, you can also lose weight if that's a goal of yours. If walking under the sun, or even jogging, is something you would never do then give it multiple tries. It helps you push out of your "comfort zone" which is probably just sleeping around (I know my comfort was sleeping my days away depressingly). You can also listen to self help videos or podcasts while you walk. You may learn some new methods of quotes that you can implement into your life!
4. Avoid the junk food! Also known as comfort food! Too many carbs makes you feel lazy, which in turn mixes with your negative emotions. Making you even more glued to your bed. Or sofa. Instead, eat an apple or banana or another fruit. Or simply drink water! Your body will thank you for it in the long run. 😌
5. Pick up a healthy hobby. If you like to drink or smoke, cut back on it as much as you can. Make goals to quit those vices. Instead, learn to play the guitar, learn a skill like plumbing or wiring or carpentry, learn another language. You can also volunteer at animal shelters and walk dogs! They'll love you in return. Or you can feed the street pigeons. Helping out little critters like cats, dogs, pigeons or others can make you feel better about yourself. You'd be surprised how much they'd want to be around you or even snuggle up to you. Or even just ask your boss for longer hours! You just have to keep yourself busy from having too much time to think about anything negative.
6. Avoid social media: Social media only shows people's highlights and pushes the "you're either with me or against me" kind of mentality when you're watching reels of the top people, which leads to a certain identity loss for people who've yet to discover themselves. Plus it can get very toxic in the comment section.

Well those are the major things that have helped me to see brighter days while living alone. I hope you all find peace within yourselves because it is mostly found there (I say mostly because maybe some of you live in high crime areas or live with abusive family members). Remember to love yourself because at the end of the day you're all you have, so be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to hit me up and I'll get to you when I can. I know what it's like to struggle alone, to have nobody by your side. That's why I'm here to help. Best of luck to yall 🙏💪

The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.

This is just venting but if anyone has any words of advice or encouragement, it would be welcomed.
I live with my parents and grandmother to help them financially. I don’t mind doing it. I love my parents and grandmother and I also feel it’s my duty as their daughter to care for their needs.
I am a catechumen and have a sponsor and am just waiting for a date for my baptism.
My mom followed me and is becoming a catechumen this week (Glory to God!) She is very serious about it and is happy.
My dad has begrudgingly agreed to participate with us but I don’t think he buys into anything the Orthodox Church teaches (we come from a Calvinist background).
I’ve talked to him about it and told him that my mom and I wouldn’t think any less of him if he doesn’t want to convert and that it’s more important that his conversion be genuine.
He says he’s fine. But he never goes to church, never prays and hasn’t talked to the priest at all. He just doesn’t seem interested in anything about orthodoxy.
Sometimes we get into these discussions that lead to disagreements. When I try to show my point as valid by quoting a church father or saint, he says he doesn’t care and his opinion is his opinion and doesn’t feel the need to change it. He’s made fun of me in the past for for my faith.
His response is particularly upsetting because my dad, my whole life, has been verbally abusive towards my mom, my brother and I. He has been to psychologists who have said he has antisocial tendencies. They say it’s not enough to diagnose him as have the personality disorder. But these tendencies still make it hard to live with him.
When I discovered orthodoxy I became hopeful since I felt like this is something my dad could benefit from. That maybe if he learned to pray and read the saints and fathers, that it could change him. It’s been disappointing for me that nothing seems to be working.
For a while I stopped going to church as a Calvinist and felt I was more atheist/agnostic. He would get on me about how I need to go to church. He would say he can’t talk to me about God because he’s not supposed to “through his pearls before swine.” That really hurt my feelings and he never apologized until I brought it up. He said before that I’m a stranger to him unless I go to church. Now that I do go to church, he suddenly doesn’t care. Idk if he’s playing a game or what.
I’ve talked to my priest about my lack of forgiveness towards my dad and he’s been helping learn how to forgive. I’ve started praying for my dad and just saying nothing when he says mean things to me.
The only time I say anything is when he starts on my mom. I feel I have to protect her. I hate having to speak to my dad harshly but if I don’t, he will continue to torment her.
The other day, he was watching the news and just decided to tell me that the people in Gaza deserve what they’re getting. He kept going on about it despite knowing how I feel about that situation. He called them animals and I finally said that’s not right to speak that way about other human beings and I started to quote some of the saints and fathers about what they said about killing, war, etc. He interrupted me and said he didn’t care what the church has to say.
I’m just confused and frustrated. I want him to be better for my mom so she can’t have good last few years of life. I worry about his soul. I feel so drained from all this. I’ve thought about just moving out but I can’t do that to them and I can’t afford to support both houses. But I’m so tired of this. I just want peace. Please pray for me.