What should I do with my eagerness to be wanted? With some background I am Maeya ‘20MTF’ and I never new my bio dad ’40M’ he and my mom ‘40F’ were young and he was a coward and left. My mom met my first stepdad ‘41M’ (aka stepdad 1) when I was 5 yo. He is mostly traditional he understands what being gay is but other than that hates all of it. Where I was the black sheep of the family. And where my brother who is 5 years younger was the masculine son he wanted. At school I was the floater in social groups who could be anywhere. But that didn’t mean I could fit in anywhere. I am too awkward of a conversationalist and social situations aren’t my strong suit. The group I stayed with through high school had 4-5 people all male and we were all “pairs” in the group where I was the third part of a trio that would hangout after school. Because my gendesexuality I really had too decode whether I had a crush on a girl or I just wanted to be them thankfully most of the time it was the ladder but I knew I was mostly into women. But because I did grow up in a semi traditionalistic setting and my messed up social awkwardness I didn’t ask anyone out ever. Because I was male presenting but flamboyant I was either expected to ask them out or I was too feminine too be into women. Which resulted in a couple of times being pranked on by both guys and girls saying that some girl would be into me just to be fake. One was a high school dance and another was just a Sophomore joke. Sophomore year my Nana passed away from a stomach/intestinal cancer. And because of my paternal upbringing she was the consistent secondary guardian that was there from the beginning. Then Junior year my mom and stepdad dad 1 got a divorce and then the pandemic happened. Senior year began and I knew I needed too prepare too say goodbye too my old life and prepare to start a new one and my friends will find there own paths in life too. But I did expect us too have a way of communicating. My mom ended up meeting someone and remarried in January of 2021. October of 2020 one my friends passed away from an OD. The rest of us graduated class of 2021. One friend ended up becoming a hermit I tried reaching out but he didn’t come out of his house. I ended up going to the Navy in September of 2021 but had a leg injury in bootcamp and didn’t make it. While in bootcamp my family moved across the country Northwest to the South. So I ended up going with them once I was out of bootcamp. I ended up feeling alone and restless I just found a job and was in a rut. Then in July of 2022 another one of my friends died in a car crash. This made me determined too try something new like college but that ended up not working out mentally. But things at work were looking brighter. I did come as trans at this time. And seeing a dynamic duo of Hope ‘21F’ and Sophia ‘22F’. For this story you need to know has been in a relationship for 3 years. I knew Sophia since I started working their and seeing her and Hope more at work and hearing about there night outs during the summer of 2023 when both turned 21 was something I wanted to be a part of as a friendship. It was difficult for me too articulate it especially when I am an outsider in so many ways but they said they’ll take me in. This was January of 2024. Due to the weather there wasn’t much communication but I did make plans to go out to a club as a first time being full femme and it was a time to tackle my gender anxieties but not my social anxieties so I wasn’t as social as I would’ve liked. Then after that Hope has had a lot of new adulting things this year from insurance, dental, a new car, and ending a three year relationship because of online betrayal.
When she broke up with her boyfriend I knew she was physically the most beautiful person inside and out I’ve ever seen but because of how well oiled her relationship seemed too be I never truly paid attention to this feeling. She is the center of the group and has constantly people wanting to hangout with her. But she was ranting how she is so bad at responding to people because there seems too be so much responsibility. With that every time I reach out she does respond in reasonable measure. But the only time I’ve been messaged by Hope or Sophia it’s too see if I can come in too cover someone else at work who called out. I know it’s not intentional. I didn’t tell Hope about the lack of communication. But I did explain my feelings and I knew she experimented once or twice and she doesn’t float that way but I have feelings for her and don’t know if they’ll go away but I’ve already accepted the facts and she means more too me than my own feelings and I’m willing too stay friends but just wanted too be honest with her and not do something stupid. She was completely understanding and as expected she viewed me as more of a sister and I completely understood and accepted. But now there is this growing communication issue where so many people want to be a part of Hope and Sophia’s click that I am having no communication in general because of my social anxieties, lack of experience in the South, am for and can hangout around recreational use but don’t partake myself, and my fear of being “the single trans/gay person of the group”. Because of those things I see people who do want to be a part of their click being shown more effort because they fit their vibe/vibe of their hangout and I don’t know what to do. From confessing my feelings to Hope and these communication issues I just realize I’ve had a few number 1 friends but I was nobody’s number 1. But I’m not looking to be number 1 I just want to not be last thought to feel wanted. I just need to know how to communicate this without feeling like I am forcing them too because the last thing I want is too be a friend out of pity.

This will be long. Like the title says, my (18F) BF (18M) broke up with me because he can't handle being in a relationship with me whilst working.
For more context, he and I went through a tough time together before but ever since a few months ago, we got over it and we've been healthily communicating now, etc. We were both on the same boat that we wanted our relationship to work out, so we worked on ourselves and understood each other more, and it's just been great in general. However, this past month, he's been a lot busier with his family, school works, personal hobbies, etc. that we don't really have time together anymore (in real life and online) unless it's late at night and we bond by playing a few games with our friends and then he goes to sleep. We don't live together btw. Anyway, I sleep late, so I just do my own thing after. So, I didn't really think anything of it but that he's just busy and just went with the flow.
However, this past week, he seemed a lot more distant and he would go to sleep a lot earlier. Again, I didn't really take it as anything but that he was busy and tired. Idk if this is relevant since he said it wasn't the case when I asked him about it, but I thought that his energy when talking to me vs his friends was drastically different. For example, when he's tired, he tells me he is and doesn't talk much and his voice is low, but when he gets on call with his friends, he suddenly becomes very talkative, loud, and energetic. However, I decided to brush it off thinking he's probably just really tired but since he's a very social type of person, he masks it as he likes to talk and light up the vibe in a group setting.
I would also like to note that at one point during that week, he opened up about his worries regarding the day where he finally starts working, which was going to be this week, and how it's going to affect our relationship. For context again, from the very beginning, we've already spoken about our plans for our future, especially career-wise. He expressed how passionate he was and how he wanted to focus on it when time comes and I said the same, so I never thought of it as a hindrance or anything bad because it's for his future and I prioritize my future the same too. Also, the job he'll do is the career he wants to pursue for his lifetime (in the car business), so it's really serious and he really wants to do well, which is understandable. That means that when he starts working, he'll be significantly busier and won't have as much time to spend with me. We also had a conversation whether we can handle being in a relationship while still being able to focus on our career goals, and we said yes. For more detail, I'm in my first year of college and I plan on pursuing law, so I obviously wouldn't have as much time as well, but I have many years to go before that while he starts working right away after high school. Going back, I told him that he doesn't have to worry because we've spoken about this before and I'm supportive of him and that I know he'll be busy but once it happens, we'll figure things out.
2 nights ago, after playing with our friends for a little bit and getting on a private call, he remained quiet and then he suddenly asked if it was okay that he asks for space. I didn't ask why, but I said that it was fine and I'll be here for him whenever. Based off what he said last time, I assumed that he was stressed because again, he was going to work and he was probably overthinking because he wanted to do well and because of his worries regarding our relationship as well. Usually, he tells me goodnight and that he loves me, but that night he didn't. I stayed up until 5 am just thinking. That's when I sort of thought of the possibility that he'll break up with me considering what he's opened up to me so far and knowing him, so I just thought of messaging him a GIF of a cat sending love at 5 am lol.
The day after that night/later that day (for me), I woke up and his response was him asking if we could talk at night once he arrives at his house. He was busy the whole day, so yeah. The night arrived and he told me he didn't know how to start and that he didn't like talking about it and told me we should probably have the conversation in real life, but I guess I already expected what would happen and if I wasn't right, I'd probably just end up overthinking, so I just told him to tell me what he wanted to say as he already asked for us to talk that night anyway.
He beat around the bush a lot, but it was basically him saying that once he starts working, he won't have time for me. He expressed his worry about how our relationship will work by then. He said he also thought about the whole "If he wanted to, he would" thing, but he said he knows that he'll probably be side tracked because of how busy he'll be. He said our relationship will not be the same anymore, such as gaming, sleep calling at night maybe, watching movies together, etc. He also said he considered about how my love language is quality time and we won't get to have that anymore. He also mentioned about how he doesn't know what to do and that he's uncertain of us, but that he still cares about me and loves me. He asked for my perspective on it after.
In summary, I told him that we've spoken about this before and I never thought of his work as a hindrance since I know it's for his future as well as his passion. I said I knew about it from the start (that he'll be busy) because that's one of the first things we discussed together, and I never complained whenever he helped his parents with work or was busy with his own endeavors for his future, so it wasn't a problem at all. I also didn't overthink or worry about him working, and it never came to mind until he brought it up. I thought we'd be fine. I mentioned how I've expressed even before that I'm supportive of him and look up to him in a way where he knows what he wants for his future and has plans to get there at a young age. In correlation to me not worrying about him working soon, I told him that I feel like he should ask the questions he's asking me to himself. I asked him whether he can handle being in a relationship while working. I asked him whether he can still be a good partner during that. I'm not talking about spending time 24/7 but just being caring and such.
He hesitated a lot and I told him that I can state my opinion regarding where our relationship goes from here, but it takes two for a relationship to work, so even if I wanted us to continue, he has to want it too. He ended up telling me that he couldn't. He broke up with me and explained that it's because he can't handle being in a relationship while working because he's already overwhelmed with the thought of working and the things he needed to do to be good at it the closer he is to the d-day (first work day). He wants to prioritize his family and his work, and that I deserve better that what he could offer. He told me that he didn't want to do this because he still loves me, but he's uncertain of us now and he didn't want to make me hope for something uncertain. He also mentioned growth and such. Towards the end, he told me he was sure. Sure of ending our relationship.
He wanted to end on good terms and although I agree, I don't know how I'll feel a week or a month from now. I just feel numb and it feels surreal right now. He told me that I can be upset and that he'd give me space. Later, he tried calling and then messaged me saying he'll give me space but he wanted us to communicate about how things go from here because he wanted us to be on good terms + we have mutual friends. Fast forward, in his last messages he said that we should to take a step back for now and think about whether this was the best decision. He asked me yesterday if we could talk tonight, but he messaged me tonight saying if we can talk tomorrow instead because he wants his thoughts to be clearer first and that he's all over the place right now.
I don't know how I feel. I feel upset, confused, hurt, and empty/numb at the same time. I thought we were fine, so the break up came out of nowhere for me aside from the gut feeling I had the night prior. Relationships are never supposed to be a hindrance in the first place, and he told me before that he can be in a relationship even with his goals but I guess life just happens. Views change. He didn't mention what he wanted to talk to me about particularly, so until now I don't know, but it does hurt whenever I remember him telling me how he was certain of us at first because he's the type to know what he wants, but now he isn't. It's upsetting to know that he's uncertain, that he needs to have clearer thoughts because I didn't think this would happen. Is he going to talk with me tomorrow about remaining on good terms and how we'll act with our friends? Or is he going to talk about getting back together? It's most likely the former, but if he does want to get back together, would that be alright? Or will I end up feeling bad thinking that he became unsure. Do I settle for that? I don't know what to think. I'm so lost. I don't have friends I feel like I can or want to open this up to, so I'm just pouring my thoughts here.

I guess I’m just here venting my feelings because life has been pretty hard lately and I don’t really have anywhere else to go with these thoughts at the moment. Feel free to stay if you can relate to my struggles, or don’t, the choice is yours. 99.9% of the time, it feels like I’m always wishing I could’ve been born into someone else, because I can’t stand how difficult my life has been made to be, and it just feels like too much of a burden to take on. I’m not sure if many other people here can relate to this feeling, but it feels as if I was born to just have a really insufferable and miserable life.
I was born gay, black (technically mixed but by a quarter), and not very good looking if I’m being honest. I grew up in the western US, and ever since I was about twelve, I was bullied for everything someone could be bullied for. The way that I looked, the way i spoke, being black, not being black enough, being occasionally (presumed) gay, etc. I just quite simply never fit anywhere and I was constantly reminded that I’m never good enough. I hated what I saw in the mirror so much to the point where I’d avoid every mirror possible and I would begin to feel resentment towards my family for birthing me into being at the absolute bottom of the social ladder. I know it’s not their fault that the world is the way it is and I do truly love them, but I just couldn’t stand the fact that my life was made incredibly difficult because I was born to them and not a more privileged family that could’ve provided me an easier life. Instead, I was given the burden of being born different in a society that just doesn’t like me for multiple reasons, and it’s now my job to completely change myself so that I can have a chance at a better life.
I spent a lot of time alone as a kid since I always felt insecure about myself, and I would work tirelessly to be more attractive, charming, and endearing so that others would treat me with kindness and respect. Instead of going outside and playing with others in the summer, I spent my summers doing what people now call “looksmaxxing”. I would stay out of the sun because I’d get picked on if I was “too dark”, spend everyday working out, grow my curly hair out to take attention away from my nose which I hated, practicing to hide my “gay voice”, and finding the coolest clothes to wear so people would be impressed with me by the next school year. I would never hang out with my school friends and never go out and just be a kid having fun like others did. I hated myself too much to do anything else because it felt like everyone else hated me or looked down on me for just existing. I just wanted to be someone that could have more in life, but it felt like I’d have to run myself into the ground trying to change enough to actually have a shot.
The sad thing is that this actually would work. With each year that went by in school I became closer to my goals. I was now about as light as Zendaya and more handsome. I hung out with the popular crowd beginning in freshman year of hs and started to feel better about myself because I started to gain recognition. All of this however took a turn when, long story short, I fell in love with my best friend since middle school and he turned on me in sophomore year due to him being closeted. He shut me out, and my other friends didn’t talk to me anymore because he was basically the leader of the popular kids. I switched schools in junior year and fell into a really deep depression that honestly I never fully healed from. I’m 22 now, and I’m honestly pretty messed up because I’ve had such a horrible childhood. I guess you could say I glew up dramatically in the years after hs, but only because I was bullied into basically becoming a different person, and I still feel the need to constantly change things about myself and obsess over my appearance. I don’t know how to get over the things I’ve been through and my life is still shitty today because of trauma and unfavorable circumstances I find myself in.
I see other people who are my same age or (even worse) younger, and I get extremely angry because they have lives that seem so much better than my own; Friendships, relationships, happiness that they didn’t have to slave away for. I envy the ease that life has provided them and the freedom they must feel, while I always feel caged and confined to a life of hardship because I’m me… and they’re them. I want my life to be different, but it feels like the life they have was never meant for someone like me, and I have to spend years of my life trying to be where they were born. It’s so frustrating, and it all just feels like too much to bare. I don’t really know what the point of me writing all of this was, maybe just me letting off steam or reaching out into the void, but If you’re still reading this thanks for sticking around till the end lol. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I could definitely use it right about now because I’m really struggling 😂

I've commented a few times in a few posts about my family's experience going through the F-1 to H-1B to GC route to migrate to the US and I've received a lot of questions over the DM, many of which I thought were pretty basic. I thought it might be helpful to put this primer together so folks know the right questions to ask and approach their planning more strategically.
This post is going to be very candid. I've noticed that the questions I've received come from misconceptions about higher education, F-1 visa, and what comes after graduation. I want to give folks the right information, but also temper expectations and give a realistic portrait of what it means and takes to use the student pathway to legally and permanently reside in the US. It is not a stroll in the park, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

BACKGROUND

Two of my siblings plus myself are all here in the US via the student visa route. I received my green card in 2021 after being in the US for nearly 4 years. After receiving my Masters at a prestigious university, I was hired immediately by an organization willing to sponsor my H-1B, which they did so after two years of employment under STEM-OPT work authorization. My employer started putting together my I-140 (Immigrant Petition for Alien Worker, which is the start of the process for an employment-based green card) shortly after receiving approval of my H-1B. As the paperwork was being put together, my partner and I decided to get married and I switched from employment-based green card to marriage-based green card. The employment-based green card would have added around a 3 year wait if we went through with it, while my marriage-based green card was approved in less than a year.
Both my siblings are currently in the same pathway. One received their Bachelors last year, was hired before graduation and has recently received approval for her H-1B. Their employer has committed to sponsoring their employment-based green card next year. My other sibling received their MFA last year and is now in the process of getting their O-1, which is a different kind of work visa. Like me, they both came to the US with a student visa. We were all very strategic about the programs we chose and how we approached networking within our industries.
We also prepared for years. I knew I wanted to get my Masters and permanently reside in the US even before I finished college in Manila. My siblings also knew that early on. So as a family we planned for years, including preparing financially because we knew that we had a very slim chance of getting free rides for our planned degrees. Our early planning also helped with our professional decision-making, because we became very strategic about what kinds of jobs we took after graduation in Manila (except our youngest sibling, who did her Bachelors in the US, so her planning revolved around her academic career in high school). I would say from start (initial planning) to finish (with the last sibling also now on the way to permanent residency), it took about a decade.

GETTING STARTED

Is the student pathway the right pathway for you?
The first question you should ask yourself: can you afford the student pathway to permanent residency in the US? Higher education in the US is not cheap. Universities very rarely offer full scholarships to Masters programs, and those that do are incredibly competitive. So you cannot depend on scholarships to help you pay for your degree--doing so will likely end in disappointment.
(PhDs are usually free and includes a living stipend, but the application process for PhDs are on a whole other level. I will not cover it here but I can answer any questions related to applying for PhDs.)
Most Masters programs in the US are two-year programs, and the average cost of a Masters degree is around $60,000 per year (source). That's $120,000--almost Php7,000,000--in two years. That is a lot of money. That does not include your cost of living, which depending on the location can vary. I personally spent around $1000 on living expenses every month (housing was through the school, so the cost of that was included in my tuition statement)--and that is living frugally in a very high cost of living city. That's an additional $12,000 per year. Of course, you can lower than number by living with family if that option is available to you.
So on average, you would need around Php4,200,000 per year for your Masters degree. Again, a lot of money. It goes without saying that the student pathway is a very expensive pathway to permanent residency in the US. Can it also be a quicker pathway than, say, being sponsored by a sibling? It can be, but that depends on how long it will take for you to save up for tuition.
What if you can make those numbers work? What else should you know?
I need to put this upfront: the F-1 student visa is a non-immigrant visa. Meaning that it is a visa meant for people who will enter the US on a temporary basis. This is why the student visa has no direct pathway or benefit to permanent residency in the US. You need to change status inside the US to one with immigrant intent or double intent to be able to be on that pathway or receive that benefit. That's where visas like the H-1B visa comes in.
You also cannot work outside of your school on an F-1 visa. During the school year, you are allowed to work part-time on campus, and during the summer you are allowed to work full-time on campus. Work outside of the school is only allowed if it's part of your curriculum (i.e. your program has a class for "onsite internship") and you are allowed to be paid while that opportunity is going on. You can do this part-time, but most legitimate universities will have limited opportunities for this (i.e. under your program you're only allowed to take credit for onsite internships one or two semesters). However, your eligibility to work full-time after getting your degree will be affected if you do this full-time for one year. If you want to jump from F-1 to H-1B, this is not something you want to do.
Your ability to bring dependents to the US on a student visa is also limited. You can only bring your spouse and unmarried children under 21. Dependents of F-1 visa holders are not allowed to work in the US (although children under 21 can go to school full-time). This means your spouse cannot work while in the United States, and that includes working remotely for a company in the Philippines.

APPLYING TO PROGRAMS

The student visa still seems like my best option. What's next?
The next step starts with you. I've received a good number of DMs asking me "Is Master of ABC the right course for me?" or "Will a Master of DEF get me a green card?" These are not the right questions to ask because they're not going to get you any good answers. Yes, we know the ultimate goal for taking your Masters in the US to get permanent residency. But the true purpose of getting a Masters in the US is to make you highly marketable and competitive to US employers that will be willing to sponsor your work visa and petition you for your permanent residency.
So you need to view this degree as a way to level yourself up professionally. I absolutely do not suggest getting a Masters degree in something "you already know"--the objective is not to coast while spending Php4,200,000 a year--but to be so much better at what you're already doing. Here's an example.

Maria Clara graduated from Accounting at a good university in Manila and now has around 2 years of experience as a CPA at the finance and accounting department at a multinational corporation based in Makati. She wants to get her permanent residency to the US via the student pathway and has done a significant amount of research on possible Masters programs and career paths in accounting in the US. She started reading into forensic accounting and realized how interested she is in various aspects of this career path. After looking through universities and programs, she has put SUNY Albany's MS in Forensic Science at the top of her list for a variety of reasons. One, it meets the education requirements for certified public accountant licensure in the state of New York. Two, even without a scholarship of financial aid, the costs for international students is not exorbitant at $23,000/Php1,320,000 for the year-long program--with some frugal living and help from relatives in the US, she can save that amount in 3-4 years. Three, New York is the center of global commerce--all the biggest companies and their accounting firms are either headquartered or have large offices in New York City, so she has a wide swath of employment options. Now she just has to get her ducks in a row and make sure her Bachelors meets the requirements for application, as well as put together a shortlist of other programs she should apply and create a timeline for herself and the milestones that need to be hit to make this dream a reality.

Bottomline is, your starting point in this entire process is reflection and research. You need to reflect on your own professional experience and skills, as well as your interests. You need to figure out which pathway will give you that professional and technical boost and do your research on available programs at reputable universities, what the job market looks like for your target profession, which companies are known to hire in this space.
Of course, you should also take into consideration your limitations. For example, you can only go to school in San Diego because you can stay with relatives while you're studying. That means your research is location-limited to however far you think you can commute.
When this is properly done, it should lead you to a place where you have a shortlist of programs to apply to. Each program will have their own application and testing requirements, as well as their own deadlines, so make sure to keep track of that.
PRO TIP: while grades during college are an important part of your application, many graduate programs put a lot of weight on your personal statement and professional recommendation letters. This is why the first step on reflection is critical--it gives you a good direction from which to build your story, which you will need to convince admissions committees to accept you into their programs.

ACCEPTANCE

I got into one of my top programs and I have my finances in order! What happens now?
Now it's time to apply for your F-1 visa. Your university will provide you with the documentation you need from them (this is mainly the I-20 and your acceptance letter), but the bulk of the documentation you need to present to the visa officer will mostly come from you. Namely, because the F-1 is a non-immigrant visa, you need to show strong ties to the Philippines. This can take a variety of forms, and oftentimes your mileage may vary especially depending on the school you will be attending (i.e. there will be less scrutiny if you're going to Harvard as compared to a university that's not that known).
If you did not receive a scholarship with your acceptance, you also need to show that you are able to afford the first year of matriculation. So bank statements containing the total amount of tuition, as well as room and board, will be important (usually the I-20 that the university will issue you will include this amount).
At the interview, be polite and only answer the questions asked. Do not offer up information not asked by the visa officer. I suggest you have a ready answer if the visa officer asks you why this particular school and program, but you should have this answer already if you followed my advice about reflecting and researching before applying to programs :)
Visa is approved and on hand! What do I do while I wait to leave for the US?
Networking starts the moment you receive your passport with your F-1 visa. You absolutely cannot and should not waste a single minute of your active student visa, so this is the time you start telling people that you're going to be studying in the US. You need to work your current network and find peers and mentors who will be willing to connect you with colleagues they know who work in the US or have ties to the US in your professional field. Let's go back to Maria Clara as an example.

Finally, after years of hard work, Maria Clara has her desired acceptance into SUNY's MS in Forensic Accounting program, and her F-1 visa was approved by the embassy without any issues. After celebrating with her family, she lets her boss know about her visa approval, who has been one of her most ardent cheerleaders during this entire process. Her boss has also offered to introduce her to their counterparts in the US once she got her visa approved, which is really important to Maria Clara--she knows she needs to get ahead of networking professionally since her time in the US is limited. She has also reached out to other people she knows in the company that engage frequently with teams in the US. She's messaged her college professors as well, as she knows that a number of alumni from her college have migrated to the US. Her plan is to get connected with as many professionals in her field as possible, connect with them in person once she's in the US, and build a rapport with as many connections as possible so she can be guided accordingly and stand out when the time to apply for jobs comes.

Remember that unlike US citizens (USC) and legal permanent residents (LPR), your time in the US is limited and bound by the rules set by your visa. So you have to be creative and get ahead in some way. You need to be more prepared and more strategic than USCs and LPRs because you simply do not have the time to dilly dally. Yes, enjoy and savor in the moment of seeing the fruits of your labor, but the hard part begins now. You simply do not have time to waste.

DURING THE PROGRAM

I'm in the US now and working harder than ever! Is there anything more I can do to set myself apart from others?
Other than to make sure you have high grades and you're setting aside time to build professional relationships, it's time to think outside the box. Remember that you are limited by the rules of the F-1 visa, so experiences such as an off-campus summer internship is off limits to you. You will need to find ways to strengthen your resumé that doesn't include working off campus, and that could take many forms. One of the most effective recommendations I've received on this is to do an independent research during the summer--you could do it via a professor whose class you really liked, or if you've made inroads with some of the connections you've been building since getting your visa, have a professor oversee a research project you could do with those connections. (This is still academic work, and many programs will give credit for this, so it is not considered off-campus work under the eyes of USCIS.) You can use your research to really elevate your skills and experiences when applying for jobs.
It's also time to seriously start looking at potential employers. You can use the connections you've built to get a sense of what the professional landscape is for your field, learn about peoples' experiences at various companies and organizations, and get a feel for hiring processes. Remember, you don't have a lot of time to apply for jobs once you near the end of your program, so you have to be armed with the right information to guide your job hunting strategy. You will need to put yourself out there and be the best version of your professional self if you want employers to disregard that they will need to spend more money to hire you rather than a USC or LPR who doesn't need sponsorship.

LAST SEMESTER AND GRADUATION

I'm in my last semester of my program! Any tips?
The last semester is usually job hunting season, so make sure that resumé is polished and your network is activated. By now, if you've done the leg work, you will have a shortlist of potential employers and you will have made connections in most, if not all, of them. Time to check-in and ensure that they know you're interested in joining their company and you'd like their support and guidance in doing so. This is one of the harder parts of this journey, and you have to be relentless. Use all the resources at your disposal to ensure your resumé is seen by as many eyes as possible, and that includes speaking to your professors, especially your favorite ones, so they can also lend a hand.
More importantly: submit your work permit application (more commonly known as OPT) as early as possible to avoid delays and getting stuck in the USCIS backlog. You need this permit to be able to work after graduation for a limited time (one year for graduates of non-STEM programs, with an additional two years for graduates of STEM programs) without needing to immediately require H-1B sponsorship.
Getting employed by a company willing to sponsor you is not the end of the line. All for-profit companies are subject to the H-1B lottery, which means you will be competing with other internationals for the limited number of H-1B visas allotted every year. So even with an employer willing to sponsor, the H-1B visa is still not guaranteed. You can work around this by joining what is a called a cap-exempt organization instead, and USCIS classifies those as institutions of higher education, nonprofit entities related to or affiliated with an institution of higher education, nonprofit research organizations, and governmental research organizations. That means more research, and more targeted strategic networking, given that your employer pool now is limited.

EPILOGUE

The student visa is not an easy or cheap pathway to permanent residency in the US. It is getting harder and harder to beat out USCs and LPRs for great jobs in companies that have the experience and resources to sponsor H-1Bs and GCs. You need to do your research every step of the way and prepare to do some really grueling work in order to be the better investment for these companies. Plus, there is the luck element of the H-1B lottery. But it's not impossible. It can and does happen--my family is a great example of it (we're 3 for 3 in this pathway now). Your preparation and willingness to go the extra mile is critical, and you have to be ready to grind for a while. Rest often only comes when the green card is approved.
For those still considering the student visa pathway to migrate to the US after reading this very long post--good luck, and may the force be with you.

Help! I am new to the loan process because I was fortunate that my undergraduate college education was paid by a 529 my grandparents set aside for me. Now I am tasked with understanding how to finance graduate school next year-- I have no idea where to start. I have made about 15k USD for the last 2 years in service-oriented jobs, but prior to that I worked in consulting for 2 years making 95k USD per year (mostly in retirement accounts now or spent supporting myself in the last 2 years at my lower salary). Where do folks recommend I begin? Am I even eligible for financial aid, scholarships, loans?

Hello, My name is Karol, I'm from Minnesota, and I'm new to Reddit. I don't expect this to get much attention, but I've been needing to get this off my chest for a while. So to jump right into it, there's this girl ive known for about eight years now and she has been a bit of a big part of my life. For the sake of this story, we are just going to call her by her middle name, Grace. I had first met her when I was sitting alone at breakfast one day in my elementary school cafeteria, and she and her sister came and sat with me. I was confused until we started talking, and I got to know her quite a bit. Flash forward to the first day of 3rd grade, where I walked into the classroom with my best friend Norma, and I saw Grace again, but this time she had much longer hair and was a little taller. I started to develop feelings for grace, not just normal feelings, though I felt like I really liked her. I didn't recognize Grace at the time; I thought this was a new student. I worked up the courage to talk to her, and that's when I realized it was grace. I didn't think she knew how much of a crush I had on her at the time. A few months into the school year, I met this girl, whom we'll call Lina. Me, Grace, and Lina started to all become friends, and one day we had indoor recess, and my friend Kayla invited me to play Uno with her and some other girls, but Lina also invited me to play Truth or Dare with her, Grace, and some other girls. I decided to go play truth or dare with Lina. It was my turn, and Lina said to me, "Truth or dare?" and I chose dare. She then proceeded to say, "Whisper in your crush's ear and tell them you like them." I began to grow nervous as I felt everyone in the circle looking at me, so I leaned over to Grace and whispered to her, "I like you, but if you don't like me back, don't say it while everyone is watching." Grace whispered back to me, "Well, I do like you," and that was the beginning of an era. Looking back on that moment as I am about to go into my sophomore year, I really wish I had never played truth or dare with them. I could've saved myself from so much bullying, so much drama, and from the worst thing that's ever happened to me: grace. But let me know if you want Part 2, since this is just the beginning.

my family situation is complicated. I have two grandparents on my paternal side that are alive, and one grandparent on my maternal side. my maternal grandmother stole my mother’s inheritance from her father’s will when he passed, and it’s not that my mom cared about the money. it’s just hard to allow someone to remain in your life when they steal from you, especially during such a vulnerable time in your life, as a family member. my paternal grandparents are another story. my grandfather is attentive and comes to every life event, though with his age and one leg, it’s been harder for him to get out in recent years. he is the sole caregiver from my grandma so he is forced to get out daily though. however, he recently broke his back. and my parents and I are her caregivers now. my grandmother is mentally ill, and hasn’t left the house in over 10 years. she missed my high school and college graduation, my sisters wedding, and my sisters graduate and masters graduations. I assume both grandmothers will miss my wedding and graduation from nursing school. for the last few years, my grandpa has been the only reason she had food each day, and clean clothes, despite her being hateful towards him. when I see her, she continuously tells me she wants to die (she is only 78 and is in relatively good health, no cancer, no diseases), auctioning off her items when I see her. however, she doesn’t take care of herself, and has let her teeth rot, her eyesight is so bad that she uses binoculars to see my face, and her toenails are 4 inches long. she won’t let my grandpa help her with her hygiene, and she refuses to do it for herself. the only thing she talks to me about is the news. she will begin with the new gossip, then move onto the wars in the world and end with how it is all the plan of God, and how the end times are upon us. every time. i’ve been holding out, hoping that she’ll change trying to talk sense into her (shower, stop talking to me like i’m an audience, be nice to your husband). I realized that i’m literally mourning her while she is still alive. i’m longing for the grandmother figure I never had. comparison is the thief of all happiness. I can assure you. I compare my grandmothers to my friends’, boyfriend’s and random people on tik tok’s grandmothers. it’s so unfair. I wish I could tell you all about the great memories I have with my grandmothers, and how many life lessons they taught me. but I can’t. for as long as I can remember (23 years), I have never had a conversation that I would consider normal with my grandmothers. i’ve never been able to go to them for advice, or make cookies with them at christmas time, I never wished to go to their houses when I was little, and I truly forgot what my maternal grandmother looked like because she burned her bridges to my family so long ago. I want to give myself permission to mourn the grandmother figures I wanted to have. I want to grieve the image i’ve had in my head all these years to move on from this world of hurt I live in.

I an 18F who graduated this Sunday from high school. I chose a long time ago to work instead of college as college can be something that I can work towards.
It all started at the beginning of my senior year in August. I wanted to go into the military initially the Navy branch as some of my dad's side of the family was in hoping to continue the tradition. I got an 34 on the ASVAB in the Navy recruiter's office with my boyfriend 20M in talking to the recruiter as I'm in the next room over testing. My boyfriend took me home and I spoke to my parents about it. I was highly disappointed in their answers about my own decision. I didn't sign yet and was deeply thinking about it. My mother said I wouldn't survive bootcamp and my father said they would place me wherever they needed me him not knowing I can advocate for myself.
I also look at colleges and was gonna apply to 1 that I really liked but my parents didn't want me to go to school bcs it's 2hrs away from home knowing I could live with my nana (grandma) which is an hour drive from her house. I just decided to give up on fathering my education as tension rose between my father and boyfriend.
A few months later I told my father that I wanted to work and do online college. That didn't set very well with him at all. He blew up on me saying my boyfriend is trying to convince me to do it but my boyfriend didn't do anything, I chose not too myself. My boyfriend was in the room as he was proud that I said what I needed to and chose my own direction in life.
Being the responsible adult that I am. Going to work then setting money aside online college is a reachable goal and doing it on my terms. AITA?

I finally trusted you again and I'm heart broken. I thought we were at at point where we would eventually be able to work through this together. It wasn't there yet but, there was hope again.
You were becoming a good Dad and a caring romantic partner.
I've had glimmers of hope through out the years:
-Fruit strip gum and 5th grade mouth shirt.
-When you asked me out in 6th grade and we had a homework date, with your weird nice Dad on his dial up internet.
-When you kissed me on my roof, while I was wearing my striped Contempo belly shirt (the next time we hung out you asked if you could pick Rosemary's sunflowers to give to Rae)
-When we went to homecoming together (but you took shrooms with Vinnie, so you were off, we danced a little.)
-When we had strange sex on your dorm room couch (my first time.) Followed by you discarding me when we were supposed to hang out next, after having my Mom drive 3 hours to get you, you didn't hang out with me when we got home. You NEEDED to go to the mall with again, Rae. I guess not a glimmer.
-Then I guess we were sex friends and kind of together, you spent lots of time at my house. You were so kind to my family (other than the time we got my 11 year old brother high and potentially ruined his mental health forever. This timeline isn't accurate but I thought of it.

• You were kind to my brother. Thank you for that. You really were a great brother in law to him. Be probably misses you.

-When you moved in with me . You had no where else to go but I pretended it was because you wanted to be with me. (We had some good times there, our room was toxic)
-We did ecstasy and had sex the football field. That was fun.
-You introduced me to your cold, cold family. They told/tell me I'm family too but that dynamic is weird. I don't envy that upbringing.
-We were a long distance couple but it was official. I ruined my education to make it work. I don't really regret that you're better than an education at that school.

• You told me a ghost told you we had to be together. I believed that piece only. Blocked out all the red flags, including Jessica (we've gone over that enough.) Dropped out of college and ran to you. You went back to her.

-She dumped you (finally, how many abortions later?) and you called me and played the thrown away song (not a glimmer, I was just glad you broke up, remember I made a decision to love you when I was 13.)
-You got jealous that I had a boyfriend and I brought his dog home from Florida. We had sex on my Mom's porch.
-You came down to Florida and saw I had good friends and was doing ok without you, you wanted me back (but you wanted to keep fucking all the strange that you were fucking and were ok with me doing the same until we got back together. I never touched anyone after that call, I don't care if you did.)
-Our Fernwood house was nice, I loved that you got me Stoops. You punched a hole in the door that I fixed witb painters plaster and we hung out with Jamie too much ( one night while I was sleeping I think something might have happened with you two but if you read everything before this you can see I'm not feeling secure in this relationship so who knows.)
-You were nice to my family, you loved my Mom and could converse with "Cool Cal," Diane and Jackie (they're tough.)

• You started talking about the band. You played a song (I didn't think it was that good, I didn't tell you that.) I wanted you to be famous, you deserve that. You're amazing!

-We went to California. You were so anxious and cruel the day we left. Then you told me you "just wanted to take care of me." My Mom told me to never be with someone who said that, that's what my Dad said to her. I didn't listen.

• You never got a job when we lived in Caifornia, I was OK with that. No one else was including Jesse. You took care of the house and made me food and really seemed to love me. I was happy. (I don't care if you did weird shit on tour, you came back to me,)

-We came back to Michigan, we built a home. We were broke and lost together.

• We went to Karen and Tom's wedding, I was proud to have you by my side, we were in love and I was pregnant.

-YOU DID NOT WANT KIDS (you told me this when we were about 17, you said you wanted to be with me but didn't want kids, maybe we would adopt when we were older.)
-I'm sorry I never listened to your words and tried to wish you into the person I dreamed you were. That's too much to live up to. I really am sorry I do this.
-We had the kids and they make all of this worth it.
-We didn't have 1 of them. I couldn't have another one without your support. We had sex on the washing machine and you told me you loved me and we could keep that baby. The next day you changed your mind. I didn't really want to do it again either but it felt good for a few minutes that you were agreeing to one.
-I cried and cried at that appointment once I was called back, you hardly looked at me while we were waiting, you were stoic. I couldn't have anymore kids with someone that didn't want them.
-I saw a blue meteor, I thought we should buy the blue house. The one I knew you would love, that came up on Zillow from time to time. I never told you about it because it was way too much work. Only the best version of both of us could handle that house.
-Zelda came, I was so happy for that one glimmer when that test was negative. But it wasn't.
-You told me "don't expect anything from me when that baby comes." I should have listened to your words
-Covid- I have writing longer than this and pictures of all the horrible, violent, heinous shit you said when that hit. I thought we would reset and bond and spend quality family time. Ha, see above. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have hope.
-Divorce. You threatened to kill me and all our kids. That's probably time to stop pretending this is working.
-I didn't stop pretending, we kept on. I held you and excused you and supported you. I fucked you with a passion I could never give you before because really it was already over and it didn't matter.
-It started to matter, you were helpful and kind again. You had your set backs but you seemed ready to finally commit to me and the kids.

• You went nuts, I soldiered on trying to make a living to support 3 kids, putting my interests on the shelf. I pushed you away so they wouldn't have to see you like that. I wanted to help you but I needed to protect them more.

-I asked you to get yourself help, you did.
-You called me a trigger and found your support from other women and not me.
-I feel lost without you, this is what I know.
-I feel like you can finally protect and love the kids.
-That's good!
-I'm strong but I need support too. You can't give that to me. I am choosing not to love you so I can find someone who will.

• I let you do this because I choose to love you. Why did you do?

*This shit is really a cycle and I've spun out at 43. I don't regret any of it, he gave me 3 beautiful kids. I was trying to me positive with this but almost every poitive thing is riddled with underlying negative that I pretended wasn't there at the time. *
If he/she's great but constantly makes makes you feel uneasy it's time to go!
Night, night 🌙 strong ladies and gents!

So; there's a bit of background information needed to understand the situation I am in. It's the beginning of my senior year in High School. I have this wonderful(at least I thought) English teacher, who I will be referring to as "him" for the remainder of this post as to not name drop(idc abt his privacy, but about the searchability of this post). He's the greatest teacher I've ever had and I am learning so much from him as he philosophically teaches his English class. He's wonderful, just amazing, and, naturally, I catch feelings for him(I am regularly attracted to older[much older] men than I am). Skip forward to the Thursday after Valentines day, that would have been the next day. I'm coming down the stairs from my ASL Class and I see him being walked out of his room by the District Personnel and the School Resource Officer.
I never saw him again.
A few days later, the entire school gets an email saying that a teacher was put on administrative leave due to an unknown allegation and that if anyone has any information they should step up.
I was told on Friday by my friend whose dad is a teacher that there was video evidence of him and the student involved with the allegations that was incriminating. That day, my heart sank so far down and I don't think it's come back up again, at least not fully.
Skip to now, two weeks before the end of my senior year.
I'm so upset that this has colored my senior year. I'm also upset that I still love this man. There are so many more layers to this story, it helps for me to talk about it so I will explain. I keep telling myself that I’m okay with it, it doesn’t affect me, it’s fine, I hate him, etc. But it’s all false. It’s all untrue. He’s a terrible man but I’m not okay, I’m not over it. It does affect me, and unfortunately- the most unfortunate of all of them- is that I don’t hate him.
Don’t get me wrong, I ain't all over him. But I’m in this weird middle ground where the thought of him makes me want to vomit, but at the same time, I get sad because I miss him. I hate this hell of a limbo I’m in- I’d rather be in hell.
I don't know what to do and I can't tell my friends about it since I've told them I've moved on the best I can already. They'd understand, they're amazing people, I just feel as if they would be disappointed.

Hi okay this is my first reddit post so please be patient if it's wonky.
For the story I feel the need to give a lot of backstory so thia post is going to be long. Also these are are fake names duh.
Ok so basically me (f16) and my best friend Ann (f16) have been really close seen the 3rd grade. We always were cose but in the last we became extra close. Ann and I are both gay. And to be clear 100% not in love with each other, she's like my sister. So Ann started dating her now ex-girlfriend Margaret during May of 2023. They continued to date over the summer and into the school year. One of Margarets close friends is someone named Shannon (f17) who is also gay. My friend Ann and Shannon have had classes with each other the entire time during highschool and are friends. So during the summer or 2023 Ann began hanging out with Margarets friends including Shannon. During these hangouts everyone would get drunk together sometimes.
Okay anyways now starting the 2023 school year where I am in 11th grade. I start taking a class because of Ann begging me that is 1 class period with a large amount of people. In that class is Shannon. I had known of Shannon but never spoken to her. I only knew Shannon because Ann has liked her our 9th grade year and people thought Shannon was funny. Basically one day in the class I jokingly insulted Shannon and then felt really bad about it. I dmed her on Instagram and we basically did not stop dming ever. The class we have together you have to work a lot with classmates and we were on pages together. In the beginning we maybe took a few days breaks but it eventually became we would text for at least an hour every single day. Now at this same time Ann is beginning to do more school stuff with Margaret such as go to football games. At these events Shannon is there. I began my the end of September to develop feelings for Shannon. I told Ann this. Margaret unprompted told Ann that they should get Shannon and I together. Shannon then told Margaret she wasn't interested. (I later found out this was a lie.) Now during the school year Ann and I are becoming closer but we also are constantly bickering. It was something that was developing to become worse over time. Now finally December happens and all my friends are convinced Shannon likes me. In early December Margaret and Ann break up. This makes Anns already declining mental health get worse. On the 20th of December Ann and Shannon have plabs to hang out and drink. Ann has a master plan that she will ask Shannon about me. Shannon does end up admitting her feelings. Ann tells me this and I message Shannon. On the 1st I tell Shannon I like her and Shannon feels the same. We hang out more and then on the 12th I ask Shannon to be my girlfriend and she agrees. Okay so this is only the back story so get ready.
During December and January Ann was so upset and depressed. Ann has some history of depression but it was the worst I had ever seen it. I also have depression and I am on medication for it and see a therapist. But Ann is someone who does not like to express her feelings and when she does, she does it by being really rude. During this time Ann and I are constantly bickering and disagreeing. We are genuinely getting just constantly so upset with each other. Shannon my girlfriend (this is important for context) also has mental health issues. Ann and Shannon at this point are very close. Ann and Shannon sometimes drink with each other especially when they are very upset. At first I had no idea how I felt about this. I think I felt in part very upset that my best friend who I was constantly fighting with and who wasn't making plans to hang out with me, was getting drunk with my girlfriend. I also felt very stressed for my girlfriend and friend and honestly this behavior reminded me of a form of self harm which I have a history of. So I in part felt triggered by it. I also felt jealous that Shannon and Ann were getting drunk together and sharing a bed together and that they had once mutually liked each other. Because they had. In our freshmen year and into our sophomore year they had mutually liked each other. And I am not dumb I have liked many people and it no longer means anything. However it still upset me.
Now here here's when there's lots of feelings. On Valentine's Day Shannon and I had plans to do something after she got off work and exchange gifts. Ann and I have first period together. In first period we were talking about Fleetwood Mac with another friend. I then made a joke about my other friend and Ann gatekeeping and went to my seat. Later when walking to my 3rd period I overheard Ann talking to one of our friends about me. Ann was saying that she did not understand why I was so upset. I wasn't originally but not I was. I hysterically cried all of 3rd period. I felt so hurt. I walked to 4th period which I have with Ann and the friend Ann was talking to. When I got to class Ann said "I have a question for you". I responded with "I have a statement for you". Ann then asked me why I was so upset about the joke and I said I wasn't. I then told Ann that if she was going talk about me to do it where I can't hear. I hysterically cried for the rest of the class in silence. Ann apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt me and that we could discuss this during our preplanned sleepover. At this sleepover Ann and I with parent permission for drunk. I talked to Ann about how I felt and jealousy. She said she was sorry for how mean she had been to me and that Shannon and her would never cheat on me.
Now to preface this next thing I had talked to Shannon multiple times about how I feel. I talked to Shannon about feeling hurt by Ann and feeling jealous. I also had texted Ann about it more. Ann and I were both trying to be kinder to each other. Now I don't know how many times it happened but Ann and Shannon did keep getting drunk together. It wasn't often but also never. Now either end of February or beginning of March is when I get my feelings hurt so bad. That day in the morning before class Ann texted me and texted me asking if I was okay if Ann and Shannon skipped 1st period to hang out in Shannons car because Shannon was having a really hard time. Ann and Shannon had done this before. I responded to Ann's text with "IDK just do it" and she then said she wouldn't if I didn't want it and I responded "Just do it". I then started hysterically crying. I expected Ann not to be in 1st period so I was excited to cry in peace. To my horror she did not hang out with Shannon in her car. So basically ended of silently hysterically crying for half of the day because I was so done. Now for about the next part you need context, I LOVE hot pretzels, the ones you can get at the movie theaters. Subway had recently come out with a hot pretzel and Shannon really liked it and we planned to get it sometime. Now the day of this all happening Shannon and I had plans to have a sleepover. Shannon told me originally when we first started hanging out that she got a pretzel. Hs when ended up later telling me that Ann and our mutual friend and her got hot pretzels. Shannon didn't want to mention it to me because she knew I would be upset. Apparently Shannon also was going to invite me but forgot and thought I worked on Fridays (I never work Fridays). We then discuss it and I hysterically cry. Shannon really tries to ask me what could be done to make me feel better. And we discuss it and I feel better. I do later on have to tell Shannon that I don't appreciate it when her and Ann make jokes about being in love with each other after I hysterically cried to both of them.
This leads to now. I have been feeling a lot better about it. Ann and Shannon still hang out and it's still upsetting sometimes. Ann now has a girlfriend so I hope that provides me a sense of further security. Ann and I are also doing a lot better. However I just wanted some incite in what I could do for myself to feel better about this. There is more that happened in between them ans now but this post is already so long. I will give more context if people want. Please give me some advice, and I am not looking to be told to break up with them. Thank you!

As I’m writing this I’m 16 years old and going to one of these ridiculous schools where they require you to take an insane variety of courses and it’s driving me nuts. It’s May 28th, 2024, and June exams are to start in a few weeks. I’m not ready. I feel like I’m going insane and that stress is eating me alive. All I have been doing is listening to Rammstein to keep me sane and from hurting myself
At the beginning of the semester I would do all my work and hand it in on time, but now assignments are piling up in my bag and I have not the motivation to do it. It also doesn’t help that my sister is staying with us and has her two kids, which also causes more loud noises, more people in the house, less personal space, more stress, more responsibilities and more wanting to kms. I want to think it gets better from here but I don’t think it does. I’m dead meat. I can hardly handle highschool, I am not ready for the real world

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WanderingWifie
I'm a gaming widow
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest & Marriage
TRIGGER WARNING: addiction, physical violence
Original Post Apr 20, 2024
How is it not me? Help me understand as a gaming widow
My(38f) husband(34m) spent $1800 in 3 months on a mobile game. He recently started purchasing google play cards behind my back so it's not apparent on the bank statement. I caught him because I found it in our truck under the seat. Now he asks for google play cards...except I'm too scared to say no..he's so mean and cold and the walls have holes from it.
I started going to therapy because he's forced us into living almost below paycheck to paycheck. Ofc we've had multiple convos and he knows he may lose me.
I asked my therapist, "How is it not my fault when the kids and me are his life he's trying to escape?" . My therapist kept repeating, "I promise it's not, this is something within him".
I hate her answer.
Can you help me see it from his view? I feel like he doesn't want to be a father to our kids (2m, 7f). Maybe he doesn't want a life with me and can't admit it? Is therapist trying to coddle me? Like is she worried if she says, "WanderingWifie, you are a shit mom. You are a shit partner. You are a shit person. This is your fault because you're a SAHM and he hates living with you in the life you've created together!" That I'll never come back or hurt myself?
He tells me, "at least I'm here. I could be doing (xyz event away from home)after work". At this point I might as well consider him a "cardboard cutout that's glued to the chair". No, really. Our 2yr son got all the way out the door when I was in the backyard letting the dogs out.
I miss my husband so fucking much. We don't go to bed together anymore. He goes to bed at around 130am. I'm never his focus after the kids go to bed. He thinks he's "present" but I doubt he could tell you the plot of any movie or show we've watched lately. He's glued to it for all but maybe 1-2 waking hours...that's me being generous and counting all total points he briefly engages with us. He gets angry when I ask for help putting the kids to bed because it's in the middle of one of his battle raids.
Please please be brutally honest. I don't want to fight for someone to stay in a life they hate.
My MIL is trying to save me from her own son Apr 21, 2024
It just hit me this morning as I sat processing my most recent appointment. It was at her insistence that I saw a therapist that worked closely with women's health. My MIL is the one that briefed the therapist on the situation with her son and his addiction.
My therapist asked, "Does your MIL know how bad the situation at home can get?".
For a moment I didn't answer and the pieces slowly came together as I spoke, "I didn't need to. She saw the holes in the wall and now the shattered glass in the cabinet. I didn't even have a conversation about the cabinet. She texted me after that she was booking me with you and that a wife should never fear her husband. But I never said I was afraid. She knew.."
I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for my MIL; accepting her son is capable of evil and knowing the therapist would guide me into seeing the addiction and abuse wasn't normal, knowing it would leave to me putting plans in place to leave him. She did this knowing the divorce will be nasty and I will have main custody of the kids.
This woman stood up for other woman over her son and I don't know how to begin to thank her.
Edit: info: FIL & MIL grew up in physically abusive households they are not abusive.
My husband is verbally abusive. The concern is it transferring from holes in the walls/smashed glass to my face being met with his fist. For those that don't see holes in walls as warnings....you are blind the way I was...it can turn on a dime, it's a question of when. I had become so used to it preaddiction that it no longer phased me as "not normal". The addiction has ramped his anger issues up. I do not feel safe saying no when he asks to spend money on it.
Edit 2: I promise to continue to update and make posts. It's hard for me to not delete because this addiction...and what it's done...not only is it not talked about (on the rise according to my therapist and WHO has classified it as a disorder similar to gambling) but people that "don't get it" are like "WHAT A LOSER". Please understand this is a 13 year relationship (married for 9 of them) and he was not always like this. I loved the man I married. I do not love this man that has replaced him.
He said something really mean but it's true Apr 27, 2024
"At least I haven't wasted 30K on an education that resulted in nothing".
We've been fighting a lot...mostly about the mobile game addiction. I don't want to get into it here but it's a lot of money and time. My post history talks more about it.
I started crying on the spot when he said it. It was a low blow for many reasons.

1. I tried several different majors in my 20's but bad mental health got in my way and I failed.
   
2. I graduated last summer from a medical trade there are no jobs for.
   
3. I got fired in Jan (2 weeks from the 90 day probation) from my last job and it devastated me because I tried my hardest at it...I guess I'm just garbage at admin work.
   
4. I've been feeling very lost in life and wondering my purpose. Should I go back to my career I had before the kids? I was just a dog groomer...average at best..I tried to break away with a career change but that failed..as you can see.
   

He has tried to apologize but I'm too hurt. I don't feel like I have the right to be mad because what he said is true.
I was supposed to start volunteering at the animal shelter and groom strays for free as per my therapist's hope to "get me out there". Instead, I'm sitting with my daughter watching movies... not wanting to see the light of day.
Update: My MIL is trying to save me from her own son May 22, 2024
Well...It's been over a month... and a lot happened. He blew up my chance to volunteer at the animal shelter. He did not like it when I got strong and said, "I'm not nothing without you; I have rights, you will owe my alimony, half of the house for starters". So he went after the therapist who also mainly runs the shelter... whatever he said made her not respond to my emails or messages. I believe he accused her of purposely ruining a marriage and probably some legal threat from his response. I'm really sad and feel like I can't trust therapists after this...I worry that maybe I'm too damaged... mostly I wonder what was said. I feel freaking abandoned but I don't want to unpack that in this post tbh.
Last night all hell broke loose and I said the words out loud, "I want a seperation- I'm done". I was/am done with doing all the house chores; (laundry, dishes, all & any house cleaning, pet feeding/walking/poop clean up, all the emotional labor of helping 7f with school & teachers, taking on all the finances because he can't be trusted not to spend stupidly & selfishly). I was/am tired of doing all the potty training with 2m and 95% of diapers. I was/am tired of feeling embarassed to let people in the house because of the holes in walls.
I bet you can guess how well it went. New wall holes. Hooray. I went into the laundry room, locked it, and screamed, "No! You don't come in here! This is my safe space. I will fucking call the cops.".
I stayed there for two hours. He kept trying to get me to come out and talk. I said, "I do not feel like we can have a conversation without fighting. " each time. Then I went to bed and pretended to sleep as he got ready for work (omg I was so happy he got called in).
In the morning I texted my mil that it was over and I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked her to make sure he has support during this time...because...I still love him and don't want him to anything dumb. She responded with simply "We (meaning my fil as well) love you ". Omg I cried. I cried because, as a mother myself, I cannot imagine how painful this is for her.
Later on my husband called me. I listened to that canary sing like his life depended on it. He said he would delete the game or not spend anything on it. He said he would create a chore sch with me so I wouldn't be doing everything.
My heart so badly wanted to believe it. I knew I couldn't give in...he needed to feel the gravity of his fuck ups; the almost 3k he spent on a game in 4 months, preventing me from going to therapy, ruining my chance to restart my former career (dog groomer), and just everything.
So that's all for now...I'm sitting here..at midnight...nervous for when he comes home tomorrow (he's gone 12-48 hours at a time for his job).
Ps. My dad is doing his second round of chemo and so far-so good. They did find cancer in his lymph nodes after surgery..so yes it spread but not as bad as it could be. Thank-you to the redditor's that said such kind things.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
OOP when asked why she is still talking to her husband and doesn't take the kids and leave

It's a funny thing. This is someone I've been with for 13 years. The major shift in everything happened 4 months ago when he found the game. It's not so easy when you've been a sahm for 7 years esp in this job market.
I used to say the same thing as you when I heard of people in abusive situations. All I can say is unless you've been in a situation similar you do not and cannot possibly understand.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Onceuponaclimb
Originally posted to offmychest
I (25f) was left millions of dollars by someone I use to casually date
Trigger Warnings: death, stroke
Original Post: October 19, 2022
So, I am still in shock writing this post and I haven’t told anyone yet, not even my husband. I think the first thing I need to do is speak with my husband and then decide what we want to do. I am not sure how he will feel about this. I’m going to go on a whole ride here because this is still so unbelievable.
I (25f) was left millions of dollars by an older guy I use to date. Back in 2017 when I was in college, I went to Florida to spend the summer with my uncle. I use to frequent the Las Olas area and one evening while I was out with some friends who lived in Florida, I met an older gentleman. I was 20 at the time, not a lot of experience with men or anything really.
This guy was in his early 60s but definitely looked 45 max. We started dating and mostly, I would just attend these high end events with him like galas and yacht parties and travel around the states a lot. At this time, his wife had just passed on a year ago and during the summer I met his son casually at a dinner party at his place. I would run into his son whenever I was at his place and we had a good relationship.
Dating this guy was super refreshing, like, a finer kind of life I was never really use to. It was just a fun time and all throughout this time, we never slept together once. We would kiss and cuddle but he never initiated sex. It was just great conversation, he told me about all his life experiences and how he made his money, he was into real estate, investing, and the hotel industry. He gave me a lot of advice about money etc. In the back of my mind, I knew he had money ofc but I didn’t realize he had this much money. Anyway, I was in college for Nursing (I am now an CVICU nurse) and at the end of the summer I had to go back to the North for school. A few days before I left, he actually sat me down and asked me if I really wanted to finish school. He basically was asking me to quit school and move to Florida with him and just kind of be his trophy girl. (Which honestly is what I was during the summer) I thought about it and even though it seemed easy, I honestly didn’t know a whole lot about this man, and I never saw myself as that person. I wanted the career, and the degree, and to make my own money. I never ever asked him for money or for anything at all. I just genuinely enjoyed his company.
I wanted to continue to date him however, but he said he couldn’t do the long distance and if we were going to date he would want me to live with him. For me, it was just all too soon. And the huge age gap I wasn’t sure this was something I wanted long term. We ended up going our separate ways but we still kept in touch. Checked in on each other every couple of months. Just hi and bye. I eventually got married. I of course told my husband about that relationship because it did mean a lot to me and I did care about him. The last time I spoke to him was about 3 months ago.
Well, the executor of his estate contacted me a few days ago. A few hours later his son also called me and we talked for a long time about him and how he passed. Honestly, at first I didn’t believe that it was real but after talking with his son. Wow. His son told me this guy talked about me so much and that he told him I pulled him out of depression and sadness after his mom died. His son told me I meant a lot to him because the time I came into his life was a really rough time and I made it better.
I feel so many emotions because I never knew our relationship meant so much to him. I am very grateful he thought of me and I am still not sure if I should accept this money. I am a nurse and while nurses don’t make millions, I make good money to live a comfortable life. My husband also has a great job as well. I will be talking with my husband about it soon. I don’t really know a lot about money but yea… I’m still in shock. I never thought I would ever have this amount of money my entire life.
Tldr; I got left millions of dollars by someone I use to casually date. I am now married.
Relevant Comments
OOP on how she was asked out by the older guy for dates

OOP: Not romantic or filmy at all. Just a regular way people meet. We were at a restaurant that had a bar, I went up to the bar to grab some drinks for us and he was there and offered to pay for them. He asked me to sit at the bar with him and I told him I was already out with some friends. We decided to exchange numbers and he called me. We chatted for a few days and then he asked me out to lunch. Our relationship wasn’t like, romantic or dreamy or anything of the sort. It was just a good time.
When he asked me to move to Florida he just explained he really enjoyed my company and spending time with me and he wanted to explore where this might go. It wasn’t like, “I’m inlove with you and I want to be with you forever” type thing. Thats part of the reason why I am kind of stunned.

AnotherAnimeNerd: Aside from talking to your husband, I'd talk to the son as well. You're in a spot where you and your family can live comfortably (granted, not making any bad financial decisions).
Take a month off and enjoy life, do things he enjoyed. Take his son and just reminisce.

OOP: I talked to his son a few days ago. He wanted to be cremated so his son is going to do that and its just him, his friends, and a couple of extended family members. I will speak with my husband to see if he would be okay with going. If he is, then we will attend.

OOP on speaking with an attorney on how to deal with this properly, don’t tell anyone else until she has decided on the steps on how to protect money should she accept the inheritance

OOP: Thank you for the advice. I for sure will not be telling anyone about it. I have sat on it for a few days alone and haven’t told anyone at all. I will be telling my husband this evening. And we will decide where to go from here.

OOP on if she knew how the older guy has passed on

OOP: His son told me he had a stroke. Was declared brain dead at the hospital and a day later they turned off life supporting measures.

 
Update – posted within the original post: October 20, 2022 (next day)
———-Update: So I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said the choice of whether to accept it or not is entirely up to me. He said money like that could forever change our lives of course, but at the end of the day, if I’m not comfortable accepting it then I shouldn’t. So, I have decided to accept it. Just thinking about being able to retire my parents gives me so much joy. Thanks for all the advice and input! I appreciate it all! ————
Relevant Comments
clowntown777: Be willing to talk to and be flirtatious with men older than your parents. Sometimes possibly even sleeping with them. Boom, get rich.

OOP: Sometimes good companionship is more meaningful than sexual escapades. Not saying we both weren’t attracted to each other but it was more than that. And also, you can form lasting relationships with people your own age. There are a lot of high value men in their 30s who will give you the world if they can and not abuse and take advantage of you, but of course you should treat them the way you want to be treated. Just be genuine. I have dated men who are way well off in their 20s. There is nothing wrong with wanting to date someone who is financially capable, society makes it seem like there is something wrong with that. I’ve never asked any man I’ve ever dated for money or other things. You become your environment and the people you hang around. I’ve learnt a lot about investing and real estate just by being among this crowd. Sometimes that knowledge is way more important than anything else. And if they happen to be 20, 30, 40 years older than you… so what? My husband isn’t a millionaire ofc, but he makes good money and he for sure is a high value man that will take care of me in many ways, and I will do the same for him.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Long story short my (30s M finishing an MD/PhD) brother’s wife (30s F) is incredibly difficult to deal with. TL, DR at bottom. Some of the issues (I have to leave out some super specific stories) include:
1) Telling my mom to get botox before her and my brother’s wedding.
2) Repeatedly declares when and where we’re having holidays. I have a fiancee and we were dating for a few years before getting engaged so sometimes we prioritize her side, sometimes mine. If both work out that’s fantastic. But that decision is really between me and fiancee. Every single holiday is now an argument. She’ll declare what she’s making (including main dishes) and nobody else can make that. And she’s a pretty bad cook.
3) Scheduled a baby shower for a holiday and was ticked off a lot of people didn’t come - including me due to a prior school engagement. Wasn’t even sure men were supposed to go either way and my fiancee had a prior major engagement on her side. So we got them a small gift and a card ahead of time and she’s still mad. The school thing would not have been easy to move but mainly I couldn’t put up with her.
4) Makes a lot of nasty comments about everyone, her family, my family, friends, etc. She and my brother (who’s changed a lot) complained to my fiancee about me for 45mins and how immature I am. I think this is because I am one of few people who is absolutely ok firmly telling her no (for example “ok, it sounds like Thanksgiving isn’t going to work out this year. Hope to see you next year!”).
5) Doesn’t respect that other people’s health comes first. For example when some of us had covid she was livid we skipped some events. Recently my mom had a non-covid virus and she bullied her into doing an event sick. My cousin was in the hospital so she and her immediate family couldn’t make my brother’s wedding and they were nasty about that. Turned out ok but it almost killed my cousin.
6) Keeps bullying money out of my parents - who aren’t poor but aren’t rich by any means.
7) Micromanages stupid stuff - like how food should be cut (including things she didn’t make). How things are cleaned even tho the approach is completely sanitary. Etc.
So, I struggle with forgiveness and bitterness to begin with. Not overt nastiness but things I just have trouble letting go and ruminate in my own head about. And this situation is going to continue for a long, long time. It’s toxic, fixating on it is toxic, but ultimately it’s tough to forgive when the behavior won’t stop.
So how do I let this stuff go?

Was homeschooled pretty much all my life, so I never really socialized or had friends growing up, and have had mental health problems for quite a while, depression, anxiety, existentialism and possibly some light schizophrenia. To drown this out I’d just play games and found a group of friends online that I’d play with and talk to. Still have the online friends but these days they’re usually too busy with their own things so I don’t speak with them much.
I’m now 20. Last year I started taking adult education classes (for GED or high school equivalency, since I was only ever homeschooled before) and these were going well for me initially. I felt like it was a new beginning for me, I told myself I would socialize and make new friends and connections, I had something to work towards, some kind of direction in life, and I was passing the GED tests with ease. Yet still, I felt demoralized, like nothing mattered, like I had nothing that was worth fighting for. I had made friends and socialized a lot, but everything there fell flat and they all stopped talking to me or caring.
I was pretty much at the end of my rope come November and attempted suicide. I couldn’t quite jump but the next two months were probably the darkest period in my life. I essentially needed constant distractions otherwise I’d spiral out of control when left with my own thoughts, wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat and would uncontrollably sob. Thankfully I had my online friends to support and comfort me during this, except for one friend who was adding fuel to the fire throughout the whole thing but we cut contact with her luckily.
Come January, I was doing much better, started the new semester at school with some really cool people and remained friends with them. Got a chill new job at a grocery store that I enjoyed with really cool coworkers in February, a month later got fired because the boss wasn’t satisfied with my performance (people get fired all the time apparently. No one is ever good enough there)
I now have my GED and can take real college courses next semester, but have no fucking clue what major I want to go into, I don’t feel satisfied or accomplished at all, not looking forward to the future, just left with a feeling of “cool, but what the fuck is the point? What does any of it matter?”. I haven’t been able to find a new job, I’ve been getting interviews but constantly rejected.
I currently just rot in bed in my head all the time and I’m terrified of relapsing to that dark place I was in last November. I’m just feeling very hopeless and aimless and demoralized, which is how that dark period started before. I don’t know what to do. Sorry to post on here just to complain, I know people have it a lot worse than me and that I should be grateful for what I have, I’m just having a hard time of it all. Thanks for reading all this.

I am friends with a girl called Grace. Grace was in a 3-year long relationship with a guy in middle school which ended up with her getting pregnant at 15 and giving birth to her son Jack (2M) when she was 16. He's great and a bit cheeky. Grace's relationship ended when it turns out her bf was incredibly toxic. There wasn't abuse but it definitely was not okay how they were treated. After that, she said she wasn't looking for anything. I asked her out at one point and she said "you're too good a friend" which I don't get but I took the rejection on the chin and thankfully nothing was awkward between us. I have very bad luck in the romance department, landing either a rejection or an abusive/toxic partner. My sex life is dead as well, always has been. I guess its made me bitter because the moment her new boyfriend, Rupert (20M) came on the scene, I instantly disliked him. We clashed a lot over our overprotectiveness of Grace. We've been through a lot together and I know how badly her last breakup hurt her. Eventually we let bygones be bygones but I still hate him. I asked Grace why she got with him despite not looking for anything, she said the opportunity just fell into her lap. I was angry at this but I hid it because I didn't wanna upset her.
Fast forward a month and I get the news that Rupert proposed to Grace, who said yes immediately. After one month. This both shocked and infuriated me. I know I'm just being bitter but I can't understand how she can have a kid and now a fiancé at 18 when I'm stuck with barely any friends, no love or sex life and even my closest friends, including Grace, barely reply to me once a week if I'm lucky. I'm happy for her but her entire reasoning was "when you know, you know" and I am convinced its gonna go horribly. Maybe I'm seeing red flags where there aren't any but something is just off about him and I'm scared of her being hurt again because they rushed into it. Today, Grace mentioned that she got a ring from Rupert (there wasn't one initially which surprised me) and its all bubbled to the surface and I can't sleep because of it, so here I am venting to strangers. I wanna tell her that its way too soon and its just being so lovestruck that she's not given herself enough time to gauge whether it'll work long-term with him.
Jack is also a big reason why I'm concerned. I don't want him losing a father figure so early in his life. He wasn't old enough to remember his bio father but he'll be old enough to remember Rupert potentially and I don't know what damage it'll do. Even if he doesn't remember, I'm nervous on how the negative effects on Grace will affect Jack. I'm not trying to get her to call the engagement off but I feel like I need to get off my chest that I think that getting engaged this soon, even if they're not getting married for years (according to Grace they're waiting), is a dumb idea as well as make sure she's thinking straight about this. WIBTA for telling her?
Edit: I should probably clarify that jealousy is part of this I guess but its like 85-90% concern at this point, the jealousy was why I didn't like Rupert in the beginning and the bad first impression stuck with me I guess. I don't feel anything for Grace anymore, I'm comfy just being the friend.

Please take it easy on me this is my first ever post 😅
For some background: Basically I’m 20M, recently I’ve played USL2 and played in college. I’m from the US as well
Now for the context: I was going to college far away from home to play footy. I recently transferred back home where I do school online. I left because I was depressed because I wasn’t getting good minutes. Before some of you say something like I should just get better, I promise you I was performing. I had 3 goals in about 120 minutes (this remained the best goals to minutes ratio for the whole team all season) at the beginning of the season and then got permanently benched after that.
In between transferring I had a pro trial (US 3rd division), and I got some interest. However, I didn’t get signed due to them not being able to house me. But I learned that I am definitely at the level athletically and technically.
So now I’m home and playing for a UPSL team with a bunch of guys that play at the local colleges and I’ve been getting decent minutes.
The problem is, I dominate here sometimes but not nearly as much as I should. I also think it is due to the fact that I just have not been enjoying footy. When I score and get starts, it feels right but I can’t say it’s that much “fun” as it used to. And maybe it’s because I’m numb to it because I’ve performed at higher levels so I don’t get the same rush. But the environment at the moment is also very toxic so that probably cuts off much room for enjoyment.
A thought I have been having at the moment is that I feel even at the pro level these really hard moments are the reality of it all, probably even more so, and through it all you’re always on your own to deal with it. And I don’t know if that’s the reality I want to live through. Yes, I love footy more than anything and it’s all I have wanted to do for the past 9 years which makes this all really tough. But I just haven’t had the passion to wake up every morning with the mindset to train to push for the next level. It’s scary that this is what I’ve wanted for what seems like forever and now that I’m closer than ever and it’s in arms reach, I’m questioning if I want it anymore. I just don’t know how I can convince pro teams that they want me if I don’t know if I want them.
Sorry it’s a lot. Please ask questions because there’s still a lot that went unsaid and I know there’s probably gaps and stuff that doesn’t fully connect or make sense.
I also have started sprinting. I ran a 2.12 20 yd 4.20 40 yd and 10.81 100m all laser timed. And right now my mind is fogged with the possibility that I may have more potential there than with soccer. But I feel to cut off soccer when I feel so close and am still young would be naive

[CW: talk of ableism and trauma]
——————————-
TL;DR: My dad said to my mom when I took out my new fidget toy after a fairly traumatic day: “he’s (not my preferred pronouns) just going into ‘Autistic Mode’”. He said that he would look into group homes tomorrow again because I “treat them like shit”. I shut down around them, and have been doing so for at least a week or more. I don’t have a job, freshly graduated from college as of December, and I have been struggling to get interviews. I have been using my university’s career services and got accepted into Vocational Rehab, but my parents keep threatening to kick me out of the house and be done with me.
——————————
For reference, I am highly confident I am Autistic and ADHD, but I have not been officially diagnosed. I have a referral and am in the process. My med manager is treating me with non-stimulants which work well and have increased executive function. I have also been exploring my being queer over the last few years, but only recently tried to explain to my parents in totality last November.
I knew they are queerphobic, and I knew that I annoy / upset them when I don’t talk and engage, and that when I talk it’s too much and not about the right thing. I just wanted to believe I was wrong. I wanted to believe I was reading into things because I’ve had so many past experiences where what I felt and what I thought turned out to be false. And they say they love me, and they love me so much that they hate to see me in pain, and so I wanted to believe that it’s true.
The last few days have been hard. My parents had family friends over (that have known me since I was a baby, and they have two adult children that didn’t come this round) for memorial day weekend from out of state. Since seeing the friends last, I have been doing a lot of self-discovery and further accepting the queer parts of myself. I hadn’t been planning to change my name, until by happenstance I found one online that I wanted to be mine due to it's simplicity and androgynous nature. But my parents (and my brother, though he has trans friends) have not been supportive. I just thought they raised me and gave me a name they picked out and so didn’t want to use a new one. It doesn’t make it better, but it’s something.
But they have made it clear in past conversations that it would be unfair for me to tell family friends and extended relatives. And so I spent all of last week before the weekend trying to debate whether I should tell the family friends that were coming over in a text message before they arrived. I tried to summon the courage, but I ended up not doing that. So when I first saw them, I shut down when their first words were “Hey, ”. I decided that I would make myself scarce because I knew I would just keep shutting down and having trouble speaking with them. Literally, it would be the same as with my parents where either the words don’t come or I don’t have the energy to get them past my throat.
So, I tried to be polite when I saw them and just didn’t engage in extensive conversation. When they left, my dad told me I was rude and selfish, and that I need to write them a letter to apologize. I ended up sending them a text today to apologize (didn't explain everything), but I didn’t want to send a letter because I am tired of using my dead name, and I would need to sign it.
I have been trying to avoid my parents even though we live in the same house because I don’t have a job yet. I recently graduated from college in December, but I have not been able to get interviews. I have been making use of my university’s career services and made appointments with the head of engineering to make my resume more appealing in terms of software engineering. I graduated with Interdisciplinary Studies focusing on Computer Science, Creative Writing, and Linguistics. I just want a job right now, and computer jobs pay well. I am hoping to figure out something beneficial in Creative Writing later, maybe Ghost Writing or something that might pay better than that. I also got accepted to use Vocational Rehab, and so I have been working with them.
But, since I am avoiding my parents, they believe I am trying to make it clear that I hate them. They consistently say that I “treat them like shit” and I am “lazy and just want an easy life”. Today has been a hard day after all the turmoil over the last week, and so I have had very little energy. I thought I could be experiencing depression, but I know what that feels like and where it leads. I am not there yet. So, I think the best word to describe it is probably dejected. Like the people who are constantly in my life don’t want me. In the late afternoon, I decided I didn’t just want to sit up in my room anymore, so I drove down to my bookstore to browse, and then checked to see if I could refill my meds. I had about an hour where I started feeling happy and enjoying myself, especially being able to browse the books and look at the descriptions on the back and recording the ones I want to read for later.
When I got home for dinner so my parents didn’t get mad, it was like all that happiness disappeared the moment I saw them. I could not move my face even if I wanted to, to pretend like I was cheery and all right. We got dinner out, and then I sat down. The counselor I like seeing at career services is also an ADHDer. I saw her last week to go over more plans for jobs, and she showed me the various baskets of stim toys she keeps on her bookshelf to hand out to students. She gave me one that’s a tightly knit, long rectangle and has a small glass ball inside. You squeeze it and the ball moves back and forth.
I haven’t used stim toys much growing up because I thought I was supposed to bear all the frustration and anxiety. But I have been trying to treat myself kinder over the last few months. So, I’ve been taking that stim toy with me, and had it when I went to the bookstore. With dinner set up, my parents were trying to get me to interact and “be better”. Without thinking, I took out the stim toy. My dad said I was going into “Autistic Mode” and that they can’t do anything. He will look at group homes again tomorrow.
…
Up until that moment, I had doubts. I thought that they really were trying to accept me and it was just hard, especially with all the queerness and years of mental health management (since 2019 when I broke down). But over the last month or so, I’ve had various times where I needed to record my mental health history for intake and I started talking about my parents and how I am starting to recognize the gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I have also been trying hard to remember the good moments. But I can't remember a moment where I was showing signs I am clearly Autistic or ADHD, and that they genuinely enjoyed and loved it. Especially as I've gotten older. I remember them expecting me to get good grades in school from the beginning. If it wasn't "A"s they were upset, and if I failed a test they told me to study again and took me down to school to convince the teacher to let me test again. If I couldn't prove I knew the material and the teacher didn't let me retake it, then I was shunned on the way home.
I want so much to be wrong. I want so much for them to be right and that it's me who is abusing them like they say it is. I don't know why--I don't really feel any emotional love for them and I don't think I ever did, I just don't want them to suffer--but if I am the one who's hurting them then maybe I can change and stop. Maybe I can get better and show them love and be nice to them like they deserve. I wouldn't need to make a plan to estrange myself from them when I am on my feet to better take care of myself. I wish it was me.
I don't know why I am writing all of this. You all have your own problems and don't need to load on mine, and I am not going to pretend I have it the worst even just in my own city. I also feel manipulative, like I am only writing the bad parts and that I should try to remember and describe the good parts.
I just don't have anyone I can talk to right now. I have been out of therapy for a few months. I have been on wait lists for more experienced therapists dealing with gender-affirming care, since that has become a bigger problem. I have something scheduled for the middle of next month with a more general therapist and a referral to a specialized therapist as well.
But I just want to talk to someone who understands. I don't have that in my life. When doctors ask me if I have anyone I can just vent to or trust, I can't think of anyone. I have one friend, but since graduating we only meet up once a month. I can share a lot with her and she is supportive, but then I feel like that one meeting is filled with me trying to vent and seek therapy from her. I don't really want more social interaction, but I want to feel like someone sees me, the real me, and they actually like what they see.
I plan to call the suicide hotline tomorrow. Not because I am suicidal, but because I was told I don't need to be suicidal to call. I know my parents will hear me on the phone if I call tonight, and I don't really want to spend a long time writing out the words in a text to the text number to explain everything when the person on the other end might not be able to fully understand, and so they would just tell me what they think I need to hear. But I guess I'd get the same from the phone call.
I don't know how to wrap this up, and it sounds when I read this over like I am quite lucid and therefore being petty by putting this here. I am lucid, but it doesn't really help me feel better. I can't lie to myself anymore; I've been trying so hard to not lie to myself when I spot it. I am sorry for the long rambling and various tangents. I just want to put this somewhere where people might understand.

Hello fellow narcoleptics!
I'm officially 2 months on Lumryz. For context, I was prescribed Xyrem in 2018, switched to Xywav in (I believe) 2020, and just began Lumryz 2 months ago. I'm going to try my best to be brief as I go over all of my thoughts on it and how it has affected me/how it compares. For reference I take 7.5g packets.
tldr: taste is fine, works faster and for longer, bedwetting biggest symptom, mental state on it improved.

1. Taste

I was warned by my doctor that Because it is like a sand mixture that you mix with water, the experience is pretty gnarly. I will say that the texture is very strange, but if you just swallow it without swishing it around in your mouth, you can kind of get past that. I have always mixed my medication with water mixed with crystal light lemonade mix. I highly recommend this it's super easy and makes the taste much more bearable. But honestly it just tastes salty. Not too bad.

1. Effectiveness

I knew before I started Lumryz that it is very fast acting. Especially compared to the Xywav which, after taking it for so many years, had lost its potency and it would takes HOURS for me to settle down into sleep. My doctor said that Lumryz usually helps people fall asleep within 30 minutes, and because I have a high tolerance, I would probably conk out at just under an hour. The first night that I took it I started to feel extremely heavy within just 30 minutes. I was awake, but HEAVILY impaired, miles beyond what I used to feel on Xywav. I think at around 1 hour 15 mins I was out. Now, at the 2 month mark, I would say it takes 45 minutes to start to feel it, and I fall asleep between one to two hours, depending on how tired I am. so much faster than the Xywav!

1. Side effects (after taking)

First Time
The first week I took Lumryz was crazy. It made my body feel incredibly heavy and I also felt mildly dizzy but not in a nauseating way. The second night I had spilled juice on my floor and got down to wipe it up and fell asleep on the floor in what must have been minutes! I woke up a couple hours early in a crazy delirious state, for a couple seconds LITERALLY having no idea if I was at home or in my dorm room (which I was in). And I am not talking like forgetting for a couple seconds, I literally looked around and saw my dorm room but was convinced it was my bedroom at home and even that I could hear my parents talking down the hall. It was insane. I got into my bed though and went back to sleep and woke up fine.
Bedwetting
The worst side effect of the Lumryz for me (in the beginning) was the bedwetting. Even if I would pee right before taking it, it's like every other night my bladder would just empty (thank god for free laundry at my school...) I asked my doctor and he said that once my body was more used to the medication, I should stop bedwetting so frequently. He was right! After a month the bedwetting had stopped. Im sure that it will happen again someday, as I am sure other people on Xywav/Xyrem and Lumryz would agree with, but it isn't happening so frequently. To anyone switching to Lumryz, I would recommend going to sleep with a maxi pad on for the first couple of weeks.
Dreams
My dreaming has been so strange on Lumryz. It's too much to detail here in this already long post, so I think i'll do a separate post about this because there's a lot to break down.
Hunger and Nausea
My nausea has been about the same being on Lumryz vs Xywav. I have been prescribed Zofran for about as long as i've been on my narcolepsy meds. Next, the hunger. I know all of you Xywav takers know about how insatiably hungry you get on that medication, how you'll break into any nook and cranny, searching for any morsel of food. This was another main reason why I switched to Lumryz. The extreme hunger is definitely not the same as when I was on Xywav. It is not anywhere near as intense. I still get a bit hungry on it though, and this is probably heightened by the fact that I eat dinner at 6 PM and take my medication for sleep at 11 PM. I'm sure that anyone would get hungry after five hours. I would recommend eating a large snack about an hour before. If I'm going to bed with a more full belly, I usually don't get so hungry.
Staying asleep
Not only has Lumryz helped me fall asleep faster, but I also usually stay asleep for longer. For the past week or so, I've been waking up at anytime between 4 and 5 AM, but I'm able to fall asleep again within 30 minutes usually. I think this waking up is exacerbated by consuming food after taking Lumryz. I'm also more likely to fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer if I have gotten physical activity that day. I have MDD, so it's common for me to not do much other than sit around for a whole day. However, when I get exercise, my sleep is so much better.
Mental Health on Lumryz
Another huge negative side effect I would experience while on Xywav was a fucked up mental state. Xywav would amplify suicidal or depressive thoughts for me, and it would be really bad if I was already in a bad mood. Though Lumryz works similarly, I do usually fall asleep much faster so the thoughts don't have time to get too bad. Lumryz usually makes me more confused than suicidal though.
Okay, that's mostly it. Feels free to ask me any questions you want.

Day 1 A news report breaks in [REDACTED] New York about a man waking up the previous morning, and attempting to turn on his TV to watch the latest episode of his favourite show, only for his remote to crumble in his hand. Confused as to what was going on, the man would attempt to manually turn on his TV, only to accidentally pull a chunk of it off. It was at this moment, that the man would discover that his TV had been replaced with a hyper-realistic cake. The man would question his wife about where the TV went, and why there was a hyper-realistic cake in its place. However, his wife was just as confused as he was about the entire situation at hand. The man would attempt to report this to his local authorities, claiming his TV had been stolen and replaced with a hyper-realistic cake. Only to be laughed off as a prankster due to his ridiculous claim. Angry at this, he would take his story to the local news station hoping for justice to be served to whoever stole his TV. Once again, his claims were laughed off and published as a mere joke. The man would claim that there would be more cases of people’s items being replaced with hyper-realistic cakes going forward and that they would all regret ignoring his case.
Day 29 Police reports coming from all over [REDACTED] New York would reveal the man’s words to be correct. Starting after a young woman would attempt to open her purse, only for the zip to completely come off upon being pulled and quickly break apart, taking some of the modelling chocolate with it. Soon people would begin reporting all over the area that their items had been completely replaced with cake. Phones, laptops, bags, earrings, necklaces, rings and even stacks of cash were discovered to have been replaced with hyper-realistic cakes. Local authorities, having now clearly learned that this was no prank, are looking into the cases to try and track down these valuable items. However, one thing these cases all have in common (aside from the cakes being delicious) is the complete lack of evidence pointing to any suspects. No DNA evidence, no signs of forced entry, and no people in the area at the time. Nobody is even sure when these items were replaced with cakes. They all say they could've sworn they were real a second ago, only to suddenly be cake. Almost as if there was no thief and they had just suddenly turned into cake. Authorities are still on the hunt for a possible suspect in this case, even though the wider New York authorities laugh at them for humouring these absurd claims.
Day 47 The situation has escalated much further than anyone could've possibly anticipated. Now the reports of items being replaced with hyper-realistic cake have rapidly expanded to the rest of New York. Hundreds of people are reporting that their valuable items are being discovered to be hyper-realistic cakes. A man would take his phone out of his pocket to check if he'd received any important emails, only for his phone to crumble into pieces of cake in his hand. A woman would attempt to cash in a check of $100,000 to a bank, only for the modelling chocolate on the check to smash into several pieces when placed down on the counter. A couple would attempt to hurry their kids into the car, worrying they may be late for school. Only for the car to fall apart right in front of them, as the door is pulled off and falls to the ground. People are getting scared, they're worrying that at any moment, any of their prized possessions could end up being a hyper-realistic cake. Nobody is sure what is real and what is cake anymore, so they've taken to trying to cut anything they own, hoping to weed out the cake from the non-cake. Many have ended up accidentally destroying many of the things they own in the process of doing this. But those who still have their stuff have taken to putting stickers on them to ensure they know they're real. That was until an edible sticker was found to be on the back of a hyper-realistic cake emulating a mobile phone. Now, people’s only option is to place all their valued possessions into safes, covered in locks with an 87-number code that not even they know. The governor of New York has commented on the situation claiming that he's doing all he can to try and solve the hyper-realistic cake mystery, but he can only do so much to calm the fear and paranoia that has overcome New York.
Day 93 The situation has dramatically escalated even further somehow, as the hyper-realistic cake plague has now begun heavily affecting the nearby states of Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut and even some parts of Canada. Reports are coming in from all over the USA and even some of Mexico and South America of people’s items suddenly being replaced with ominous (albeit, tasty) hyper-realistic cakes. The president is doing nothing to quell the fear of US citizens, claiming the whole situation is ridiculous and that everyone is a fool for buying into it. People are starting to riot in the streets believing the president is not doing enough to try and prevent the appearance of hyper-realistic cakes. Many other countries are beginning to consider closing off all travel to the USA out of fear, and some like Germany even going through with it. The safes people were using to hold their valuable items are no longer safe. Many have been discovered to have been replaced with hyper-realistic cakes, leading to even greater fear and paranoia among citizens. And the worst thing of all. The police officer who was in charge of the case in [REDACTED] New York was discovered by his wife the previous night to have been replaced with an identical hyperrealistic cake. There is no evidence of where he may have gone, and there is no evidence pointing to who might've taken him. He has seemingly disappeared without a trace.
Day 149 As fear was reaching its limits, a spark of hope managed to emerge. Tension has been rising as countries all over the world have been receiving reports of people disappearing, and being replaced with hyper-realistic cakes. Even including those that shut off travel to the USA. The president has continued to display pure apathy to the situation, claiming the whole thing to be a farce, until he discovered one morning his wife had been turned into a hyper-realistic cake. Outraged at this, he demanded the perpetrator be immediately found and caught. He banned the selling of any ingredients that could be used to make a hyper-realistic cake, including flour, sugar, eggs, butter, baking powder, chocolate, honey, macaroni and cheese (he does not know how to make a cake, and decided it was better safe than sorry). But even then, hyper-realistic cakes continued to appear. Now even houses and everything in them were getting replaced with giant hyper-realistic cakes, twice the size of an average human being. The president was getting desperate now and was willing to do anything to catch the man responsible for this. So he had cameras set up on every street in every city in every state across the entire USA. And he had every cop working 24/7 on the sight of each camera making sure nothing was replaced with a hyper-realistic cake, and if they were to see hyper-realistic cake-related activities, they were to press a button, sounding the alarm. Yesterday, after weeks and weeks of nothing. An extremely tired officer managed to catch a woman attempting to replace a baby with a hyper-realistic cake. The woman, upon being caught, would quickly admit she was behind the hyper-realistic cake shenanigans. She was immediately brought to Washington DC where the president would proceed to scream and cry at her for hours before demanding she be placed in a holding cell so she could be questioned the following day. This was quickly announced by White House officials and the world began celebrating, praising the president as a hero who was able to end the hyper-realistic cake plague. The joyful people of the world are currently awaiting a word from the US president on who this mysterious woman is, what her motives are and where she’s keeping all these missing people.
Day 180 To the horror of everyone around the globe, the following morning, all hope was lost and all dreams were dashed. The woman taken captive last night was found to have been replaced with a hyper-realistic cake, just as everyone was. The president demanded a search for any evidence indicating how she could've escaped, but they were unable to find anything. Even the cameras meant to keep track of the woman had mysteriously failed to capture anything the previous night. This was the breaking point for the president, and as a result of this, he'd soon become wrapped up in an extremely insane conspiracy. He'd soon begin to believe the cake was a being that was more powerful than any of them, and that it needed to be eradicated at all costs. The presidents would proceed to declare Marshall law and cut off all transport to other countries. People, seeing exactly what was going to happen, attempted to escape the country by piloting the planes and boats themselves. Only to discover the planes and boats were all hyper-realistic cakes, that were unable to fly and would easily sink in water. The president would also declare that all cake is to be thoroughly burned, and anyone believed to be a cake is to be executed on sight, preferably by being cut with a blade. The president would have all secret service agents executed, claiming that they were conspiring with the cake and aided the woman in escaping custody. But even if this wasn't enough for the president, soon he’d begin believing that other countries were made of cake too and declared that any countries believed to be “cake countries” would be bombed off the map. Starting with Mexico, he sent wave after wave of bombs to the country until he was sure anyone inside was dead. He'd soon turn his attention to Germany, believing that it was also a “cake country” due to them previously closing off transportation from the USA there. Soon, Germany was no more, and the president would celebrate that he had destroyed another “cake country”. It seemed like to the president, that every country except the USA was a cake country, and no amount of bombing he did would change that. Everyone knew the sheer amount of bombs he was using was going to destroy the planet, but he didn't care. But just as quickly as this began, it ended. Yesterday, a large angry mob stormed the White House. The president would attempt to bomb the mob, only to discover the bomb launchpad had been replaced with cake. The mob quickly overpowered anyone left supporting the president with sheer numbers, and they swiftly beat the president to death in a manner too disturbing to even attempt to describe. Blood was everywhere, but they didn't care anymore, the dictator was dead.
Day 294 Shortly after the president's death, the USA descended into chaos. People were still being replaced with cake, and nobody had any way to contact people outside the USA, as every single phone was seemingly now a hyper-realistic cake. Many don't even believe there's anyone left out there, and that they were all killed by the president. People quickly began to believe the president was right, and that all the other countries were now just cake. But they took it one step further, they now began to ponder if the entire globe itself was just one giant cake. People began getting so scared of others being cake, that they would attempt to cut anyone they meet just to see if they were cake. There is no food left now besides hyper-realistic cakes, and many are so scared of them that they refuse to even go near them, let alone attempt to eat them. Many are dying from starvation, and those willing to eat the cakes are usually branded as “cake people” and killed on sight. There's still no sign of the people who went missing and were replaced with hyper-realistic cakes. Many believe they just vanished from reality itself or that they were taken by the cake. Some people have begun to worship the cake as a god and make sacrifices to it believing it'll bring their loved ones back. Reality is crumbling, society has fallen apart and it won’t be long until humanity is gone.
Day 334 Not even a year following the first-ever incident, the last human being on earth has died today. Alone, cold and afraid. There is nothing left. No trees, no grass, no water, no animals, no humans, nothing. The only thing that remains now is the hyper-realistic cakes. And that, is the story, of how I destroyed humanity with FUCKING CAKES! I guess in the end you could say… it was real.

Okay so to start I've been living in this apartment for 2 years in Florida about to go on year 3. My apartment was not in good shape to begin with, lots of cracks and crevices just not well maintained. It was filthy upon moving in. Well financially I got stuck here. For 2 years the only problem i had was ants and they were managed easily with gel. Fast forward. It got hot quick and I've had the sliding balcony door open to just the screen quite a bit last week. Last week I found a large roach by the front door. Assumed it was a fluke and still cleaned like crazy the next day...and there was Another medium sized roach right at the track for the screen door. I smashed it with the vacuum and threw it out. panic has set in. The next night I saw a baby roach. Now every night since then I've seen a baby roach. Three sightings have been in the kitchen and 2 in random places. I'm nearly certain they are German roaches. I can't find a nest or any locations where they are all together. I've got Gentrol igr discs all around the apartment, combat bait is everywhere, glue traps where they should be. I've got all my sinks/drains plugged. Cat food is out away outside of meal times but I don't know what to do about the water fountain. I'm thinking of getting DE for the rugs since I have cats and am worried about anything toxic. Basically I'm freaking out, I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm calling an exterminator to come here for Friday. Is there a chance to fix this before it becomes worse than it is?? I'm terrified and disgusted I don't understand how after 2 years this has exploded into a problem after one night...I'm thinking of ending my lease early if possible but I just signed for Another year starting June. I need some hope or help on what to do
I don't even plan on cooking in my kitchen anymore.