Dear redditors,
I am a 38 year old male, 1.88m in height, with a weight of 81kg. First, I am sorry if my english isn't that good, it isn't my native language. I am currently a fifth year med student in Austria, and I am also enrolled in a computer science bachelor (Medical Informatics). I have no serious prior medical condition (except for currently asymptomatic gallstones). As a child, I had severe anxiety issues which were a lot better after a year of psychotherapy (I was 8 then I think). Then about at puberty, depression hit me heavily. I had two years of analytic psychotherapy then, which helped a bit, but not much. As I left my parents house at 18, a psychiatrist issued me Moclobemide, which had no effect whatsoever (probably because I forgot to take them several times), and i stopped it after about six months. Then, a few years ago, I found a new psychiatrist who issued me Bupropion (quickly escalated to 300mg/day) and Trazodone (small dose at the evening for better sleep). The Bupropion helped and enabled me to try psychotherapy again, this time person-centered.
The success of this was vast: After one and a half year, depression finally isn't an issue for me anymore, and i stopped Bupropion about two years ago (I stopped Trazodone earlier). Then I was sent to a clinical psychologist with a suspected diagnosis of adult ADHD and maybe Autism. The result for Autism was inconclusive (neither a clear yes nor a clear no), the result for ADHD was also pretty inconclusive, but she diagnosed an isolated attention deficit disorder instead. I should add that I also was diagnosed early with an exceedingly high IQ, so any diagnosis may be occluded by a lot of masking or may even not be a mental health problem in and of itself, but rather a symptom of the IQ, I guess? However, because of the attention deficit disorder, my psychiatrist started Ritalin (non-extended release) first, with dosage increases each few months because of reduced effectiveness. Last summer, we switched to Ritalin LA (extended release), and half a year ago, we finally hit the maximum dosage ceiling of 80mg/day.
Methylphenidate was the first medication I really felt changing my life. The main symptom of depression for me always was a severe lack of motivation and lethargy, and also tiredness. While Bupropion was quite effective against those symptoms in the first month or two, its effects quickly waned. Methylphenidate was much more effective in this regard than Bupropion, and I finally felt awake and I could concentrate in lectures or while reading for more than a few minutes.
Unfortunately, those effects also waned after some time, making ever-higher dosages necessary. Now, some days I take the meds and wonder "What the hell, I took 80mg of Methylphenidate, and I still just am tired, a bit lethargic and concentration is a bit difficult". Especially the part of still feeling tired if I didn't sleep exceptionally well after 80mg of Ritalin makes me wonder a bit what my body actually does with the meds.
I also had this effect with Bupropion often. In addition, my dad was prescribed Oxazepam for years, and he forgot one strip of them at my home when visiting. A few years ago, when I still was struggling with depression and anxiety again, I sometimes took some of them to finally get some sleep (yeah yeah, I know... I don't do it anymore). I never took more than two (10mg each) at a single evening, and with them, I also wondered that their effect felt rather small. I was maybe a bit more tired after an hour, but I felt nearly no diminishing of anxiety and wondered if this is normal. Other medication like Ibuprofen, Paracetamol and Metamizole worked quite normally for me, Tramadol which I got prescribed at some point a few years ago too, but Hydromorphone (also from my dad, took it a few times a few years ago for extreme stomach pains, had nothing else available that was strong enough) also seemed strangely weak in effect.
Over all those years, I wondered if I maybe metabolise some meds too fast (or too slow?). The medications that have weak or rapidly diminishing effect so far for me were: Bupropion, Oxazepam, Methylphenidate, Hydromorphone, maybe Moclobemid. Interestingly, Tramadol has a quite strong effect (stronger than Hydromorphone!). Unfortunately, I found no similarities in metabolic pathways for those medications, so I have no idea if this could really be something that should be investigated.
I should add that I always took only a single medication at a time, no mixing with other meds.
It is rather aggravating that some days, I have no effect from 80mg Methylphenidate whatsoever, except for maybe a bit faster pulse. Oh, and I have often nausea from Methylphenidate, even if I feel few other effects. I also included a blood pressure and pulse monitoring graph here (https://imgur.com/a/bHXmCC6) I did for my psychiatrist shortly after changing to 80mg/day, showing a somewhat marked physiological effect (this was a day I also felt its psychological effects). I should also add that I also have no side-effects from all the meds mentioned above whatsoever, except for the nausea with Methylphenidate (and earlier with lower doses palpitations sometimes, they were cardiologically investigated and no cardiological problem was found).
I also read somewhere that Methylphenidate can only have an effect if your body has enough energy to provide. I eat very irregularly and often not enough while doing three times martial arts training per week, I also often do not sleep quite enough, so maybe those are the real causes for the weak effect of Methylphenidate?
I am looking forward to any comment or advice on what could be responsible for 80mg/d Ritalin LA having a very weak effect on more days than not, and if there is anything somatic to investigate relating to this and the weak effect of other meds in my life.
Thanks to all of you in advance! :) If you have any further questions, feel free to ask!

We discussed this before here and many if not all just threw me to the tin foil hat syndrome. Now they have the means to petition a state court to order the temporary removal of firearms from a person who they believe may present a danger to others or themselves.
If you read the entire law, which is really complex, use of Federally controlled substances such as:
Schedule I Controlled Substances

Substances in this schedule have no currently accepted medical use in the United States, a lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision, and a high potential for abuse. Some examples of substances listed in Schedule I are: heroin, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), marijuana (cannabis), peyote, methaqualone, and 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine ("Ecstasy"). 

Schedule II/IIN Controlled Substances (2/2N)

Substances in this schedule have a high potential for abuse which may lead to severe psychological or physical dependence. Examples of Schedule II narcotics include: hydromorphone (Dilaudid®), methadone (Dolophine®), meperidine (Demerol®), oxycodone (OxyContin®, Percocet®), and fentanyl (Sublimaze®, Duragesic®). Other Schedule II narcotics include: morphine, opium, codeine, and hydrocodone. Examples of Schedule IIN stimulants include: amphetamine (Dexedrine®, Adderall®), methamphetamine (Desoxyn®), and methylphenidate (Ritalin®). Other Schedule II substances include: amobarbital, glutethimide, and pentobarbital. 

Schedule III/IIIN Controlled Substances (3/3N)

Substances in this schedule have a potential for abuse less than substances in Schedules I or II and abuse may lead to moderate or low physical dependence or high psychological dependence. Examples of Schedule III narcotics include: products containing not more than 90 milligrams of codeine per dosage unit (Tylenol with Codeine®), and buprenorphine (Suboxone®). Examples of Schedule IIIN non-narcotics include: benzphetamine (Didrex®), phendimetrazine, ketamine, and anabolic steroids such as Depo®-Testosterone. 

Schedule IV Controlled Substances

Substances in this schedule have a low potential for abuse relative to substances in Schedule III. Examples of Schedule IV substances include: alprazolam (Xanax®), carisoprodol (Soma®), clonazepam (Klonopin®), clorazepate (Tranxene®), diazepam (Valium®), lorazepam (Ativan®), midazolam (Versed®), temazepam (Restoril®), and triazolam (Halcion®). 

Schedule V Controlled Substances

Substances in this schedule have a low potential for abuse relative to substances listed in Schedule IV and consist primarily of preparations containing limited quantities of certain narcotics. Examples of Schedule V substances include: cough preparations containing not more than 200 milligrams of codeine per 100 milliliters or per 100 grams (Robitussin AC®, Phenergan with Codeine®), and ezogabine. 

Why aren't psychedelics legalized? They are not even harmful and can help so many people. We know there are medical uses but researchers can't do extensive research due to it being a Schedule 1 drug. It's bullshit that the government designates psychedelics as a Schedule 1 drug.
Here is the official DEA definition for Schedule 1 drugs.
"Schedule I drugs, substances, or chemicals are defined as drugs with no currently accepted medical use and a high potential for abuse. Some examples of Schedule I drugs are: heroin, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), marijuana (cannabis), 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (ecstasy), methaqualone, and peyote."
Now look at the definition/classification for Schedule 2 drugs
"Schedule II drugs, substances, or chemicals are defined as drugs with a high potential for abuse, with use potentially leading to severe psychological or physical dependence. These drugs are also considered dangerous. Some examples of Schedule II drugs are: combination products with less than 15 milligrams of hydrocodone per dosage unit (Vicodin), cocaine, methamphetamine, methadone, hydromorphone (Dilaudid), meperidine (Demerol), oxycodone (OxyContin), fentanyl, Dexedrine, Adderall, and Ritalin"
Like what? How the f are psychedelics more dangerous than opioids, fentanyl, cocaine, meth, etc.
​
UCSD administration, faculty, and students should be fighting for the legalization of psychedelics. Especially those in UCSD's medical community. Psychedelics could hold many medical benefits but legalization needs to happen for research into the medical benefits they could hold.

Also, my left eye that is blurry, it doesn't look perfectly symettrical with the right eye anymore. Its like it has an ever so slight bulge. My doctor says she can't see it. Everyone else says they can't see it. But then I went to my moms house, who didn't even know I had a problem seeing out of my left eye, and she said "OMG, what did you do to your eye, its swollen!". I told here what I have been dealing with, and she said that she has known me my whole life, and that she could tell right away that my eye looked different than it use to. She can be a little bit dramatic, but she noticed there was something wrong, without knowing that I have been having issues.
TL;DR Most of the information below is stuff that was requested, and I don't know if it is necessary to read or not. I don't want my post deleted so I included it.

Primary Complaint: Left Eye is Blurry

AGE: 36
SEX: Male
HEIGHT: 6'3"
WEIGHT: 235
RACE: White (80% Irish Decent according to DNA test)
Primary Complaint: Left eye suddenly became blurry a year ago.

Medications:

• Adderall XR (ADHD): 10mg @ (5am - 6am) & then 10mg @ (12pm - 1pm)
  • Taken for 3 years. Before Adderall I took Methylphenidate(Ritalin) on and off since I was 13.
• Methadone (for addiction to opiates): 100mg once a day @ (5am - 6am)
  • Taken for approx 7 years (started at 190 and have tappered to 100mg over last 30mo.
• Excedrin (for migrain): 3x Times a week *Taken through my whole adult life.

Substence Abuse History

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do illicit street drugs. (I use to have a problem with prescription pain drugs, my favorites were (in this order): Oxymorphone, Fytinal, Hydromorphone, Morphine, Oxycodone. I have been on methodone, and have not relapsed for several years now.

Medical History

I have been healthy my whole life. I use to be into sports, and I still do a minimal amount of exercising. I walk my dogs, work in the yard, I stay physical. I am 235 pounds, but I am huge (6'3"), and I am not trying to sound like a hot shot, but I am slightly toned from a history of athletics. I don't smoke. I don't spend my time drinking or partying. I have never been diagnosed with having a disease, or chronic illness. I have had allergic reactions to vaccines, poison oak & bees. All three have been responsible for hospitalizing me, I am suppose to carry an epi-pen but my old one expired a year ago. Other than the opiate problem & allergies, I have had a clean bill of health most my life.
Currently I reside in the United States. I haven't left the Mainland states for over 5 years. I am in the San Francisco Bay Area.

My Problem

A year ago my eye became blurry. I didn't think it was too serious until I failed my eye exam for my left eye at DMV 2 months ago. The crazy part is that I had an eye exam 3 years ago and was said to have had better than 20/20. I have always had eye sight that is so good I can read the tiniest tiniest writing in any exam, and even see at night when others can't. This happened very suddenly, and is only in one eye. Because of the situation, I feel like something broke, my guess is that my retina is torn, but I really have no idea. I went to the doctor a week ago, and she only prescribed me eye drops for dry eyes!!!! I have to find out what is going on, because its keeping me from having a drivers license, something that is absolutely necessary to have in the Western United States. She says if the drops don't work she will have an optometrist test me to see if I need glasses, but I know that glasses aren't going to fix the issue, at best they might temporarily fix the symptom (of course that may be enough to pass the DMV test).
When I researched this problem I found 2 other people describing the same problem, neither found an answer as far as I could tell, at-least not on the forums where I was reading. The post were older, and both were by Women programmers. The odd thing is, even though I am not a woman, I am in school for Computer Science (aka programming). Could staring at the monitor two long actually cause physical damage suddenly?
Also, my left eye that is blurry, it doesn't look perfectly symmetrical with the right eye anymore. Its like it has an ever so slight bulge. My doctor says she can't see it. Everyone else says they can't see it. But then I went to my moms house, who didn't even know I had a problem seeing out of my left eye, and she said "OMG, what did you do to your eye, its swollen!". I told here what I have been dealing with, and she said that she has known me my whole life, and that she could tell right away that my eye looked different than it use to. She can be a little bit dramatic, but she noticed there was something wrong, without knowing that I have been having issues.
If you have any questions please ask. I will be happy to answer. I really need to find out what is going on. Also what do I say to my doctor to get her to investigate further?

Hello, I want to first start by saying this is not to glorify, condone, or encourage any drug use. No drug has benefits that out way the possible risk.
NOTE: I did ask and this was approved by moderation
Also, if anyone recognizes my handle from my prior AMA, please note that for simplicity and to prevent things from becoming extremely confusing I am going to speak and respond as if that situation/condition does not exist.
Hello, I am 27yrs old Male who just recently quit my multiple year experience with substances. I did over 40 different drugs through my adult life ranging from one time uses to multiple years. I will to my best ability describe how I did them, why I did them, the experience of doing them, what I lost or gained from using them, and any advice I can give on safely using them. Hopefully, sharing my expereinces good and bad can satisfy you enough not to want to do them.
IMPORTANT******I am not a doctor or health professional anything I say is my personal experience with them and may or may not work with you or others, please do not use my statements as professional medical advice*******IMPORTANT
I am simply going to list the substances I used and will answer any questions about them
Hydrocodone
Oxycodone
Heroin
Fentynal
Hydromorphone
Morphine
Oxycontin
Cocaine
Crack Cocaine
Adderall
Ritalin
Mephadrone
Methylone (Bk-MDMA)
MDPV
MDMA (molly/pure ecstacy) (I have never taken a pressed pill)
MDA
2CB
2CE
2CI
2CP
25B
25C
25I
25E
Alcohol
LSD
AL-LAD
LSA
Psilocybin
Mescaline
Ketamine
Diphenhydramine
Valium
GHB
alprazolam
klonopin
Lorazepam
Temazepam
dexedrine
Desoxyn (perscription Methamphetamine)
Nicotine
Caffeine
5-MeO-MiPT
5-MEO-DMT
DMT
MXE
THC
CBD
K2(spice)
There may be more that I have missed, if so I will update the list tomorow

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The term over-the-counter (OTC) refers to a medication that can be purchased without a medical prescription.[3] In contrast, prescription drugs require a prescription from a doctor and should only be used by the prescribed individual.[4] Some drugs may be legally classified as over-the-counter (i.e. no prescription is required), but may only be dispensed by a pharmacist after an assessment of the patient's needs or the provision of patient education. In many countries, a number of OTC drugs are available in establishments without a pharmacy, such as general stores, supermarkets, and gas stations. Regulations detailing the establishments where drugs may be sold, who is authorized to dispense them, and whether a prescription is required vary considerably from country to country.
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Althоugh detoxification is nоt a trеаtmеnt fоr pain kіllеr addiction, it саn help relieve withdrawal ѕуmрtоmѕ whіlе thе patient аdjuѕtѕ to bеіng frее оf раіn kіllеrѕ or other рrеѕсrірtіоn drugs. Addісtіоn is both a bіоlоgісаl аnd psychological соndіtіоn. There аrе ѕеvеrаl еffесtіvе treatment орtіоnѕ tо trеаt pain kіllеr аddісtіоn to рrеѕсrірtіоn оріоіdѕ аnd tо hеlр manage thе ѕоmеtіmеѕ ѕеvеrе withdrawal ѕуmрtоmѕ that саn ассоmраnу thе ѕuddеn stopping оf раіn kіllеrѕ оr drugs.
Oріоіdѕ ѕhоuld nеvеr be taken whеn drіnkіng alcohol (аlѕо a drug) оr whеn alcohol mау ѕtіll bе іn the system. Many сhrоnіс раіn раtіеntѕ may be undеr-trеаtеd аѕ a rеѕult of dосtоrѕ who аrе trying tо gаіn соntrоl оvеr раіn killer аddісtіоn, thеу rероrt. Less common ѕіdе effects and adverse rеасtіоnѕ of раіn kіllеrѕ аrе соnfuѕіоn, hаlluсіnаtіоnѕ, delirium, hives, іtсhіng, hуроthеrmіа,brаdусаrdіа (ѕlоw hеаrt rate), tасhусаrdіа (rаріd hеаrt rаtе), rаіѕеd іntrасrаnіаl рrеѕѕurе, ureteric оr bіlіаrу spasm, muѕсlе rigidity, аnd flushing.
Many other drugs саn interact wіth the оріоіdѕ аnd саuѕе a vаrіеtу оf ѕуmрtоmѕ; thіѕ can be fatal. Thеrе аrе many ѕіdе еffесtѕ аnd adverse rеасtіоnѕ that can occur with thе use оf opioids аѕ раіn kіllеrѕ. An оріоіd-dереndеnt pain раtіеnt hаѕ improved funсtіоn with thе use of thе drug, whіlе an оріоіd-аddісtеd раtіеnt dоеѕ not have іmрrоvеmеnt.
Whеn you're аddісtеd рhуѕісаllу tо a drug, lіkе раіn kіllеrѕ оr аlсоhоl, еtс., іt'ѕ because you've ѕuррrеѕѕеd or ѕhut down your bоdу'ѕ рrоduсtіоn of еndоrрhіnѕ, which аrе nаturаl оріаtе pain kіllеrѕ; whеn this happens you ѕtаrt сrаvіng thе drug thаt you replaced thе еndоrрhіnѕ with whether іt'ѕ аlсоhоl, аnу оf a numbеr of drugѕ оr раіn kіllеrѕ. Patients can innocently ѕtаrt tаkіng раіn kіllеrѕ аftеr a mоdеrаtе injury оr bесаuѕе оf a ѕеvеrе іnjurу іn аn аutоmоbіlе ассіdеnt, fаll оr fоr роѕt-ѕurgісаl pain. Thе physical dереndеnсе on a drug ѕuggеѕtѕ thаt ѕuddеn stopping of thе drug mау rеѕult in negative consequences.
Oftеn реорlе whо are addicted to pain kіllеrѕ are plagued with vаrіоuѕ ѕуmрtоmѕ to different degrees; mаnу tіmеѕ, thеу don't аѕѕосіаtе thе symptoms with the drug. Chrоnіс pain аffесtѕ оnе оut of thrее оr four аdultѕ; mіllіоnѕ of реорlе ѕuffеr frоm ѕеvеrе dіѕаblіng раіn. Pаіn kіllеr аddісtіоn іnсludеѕ opiate dependency, оріаtе аddісtіоn, narcotic dependency, nаrсоtіс addiction, аnd раіn killer dependency or раіnkіllеr dереndеnсу.
Mаnу іnѕurаnсе рlаnѕ dо cover inpatient dеtоx, сhесk уоurѕ if уоu hаvе іnѕurаnсе. Sоmе іnѕurаnсе соmраnіеѕ wіll pay for оnе or two wееkѕ; some mау pay fоr rehabilitation tоо. Yоu muѕt lеаvе thе rоutіnе responsibilities оf уоur lіfе fоr a week or twо оr ѕuffеr thе іnеvіtаblе оutсоmе аnd bаd health еffесtѕ оf рrоlоngеd drug аddісtіоn.
Fіnd оut frоm уоur lосаl hеаlth рrоfеѕѕіоnаlѕ where thе сlоѕеѕt аnd bеѕt раіn kіllеr аddісtіоn treatment centers are. Yоu must mаkе a change іn уоur lіfеѕtуlе in order to рrеvеnt уоu from tаkіng раіn kіllеrѕ аnd оr other drugѕ аgаіn. It's іmроrtаnt tо go thrоugh rehab fоllоwіng уоur dеtоx ѕtау: make it a раrt of your рlаn оf асtіоn.
CONCLUSION
A раtіеnt being treated wіth a раіn kіllеr can bесоmе dependent, but with соntrоllеd аnd аррrорrіаtе uѕе of the medication, thе раtіеnt саn return to ѕоmе level оf normal lіvіng аnd normal activities fоllоwіng dіѕсоntіnuаnсе of thе drug. It's іmроrtаnt to remember thаt when реорlе first ѕtаrt taking раіn kіllеrѕ fоr аn асutе or сhrоnіс раіn condition, they dоn't іntеnd tо bесоmе аddісtеd. Exреrtѕ ѕау thаt оnlу a small ѕеgmеnt of раtіеntѕ wіth a mеdісаl nееd fоr uѕіng nаrсоtіс раіn mеdісаtіоnѕ еvеr bесоmе addicted.
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Throwaway here. You can find the 'long version' of this in my post history, so I'll try to keep this short.
Growing up I had a lot of moments where I wished I was a guy, but I locked it away in the back of my head, thinking it was just a phase that I will get over eventually. I was told, and still tell myself, it's silly to want to be a man when I like men since no gay man would ever like me, and straight men don't like women who look like men, so I should just live my life as a feminine, straight woman. I also had hormonal issues growing up that made me look quite weird. As a woman, I looked like a man, and dressed as a man, I looked like a woman, or so I've been told.
I've been able to repress and tolerate these feelings of dysphoria for most of my life, but for the past two weeks on my medication (Ritalin), they've just come flooding. I had no problems with Ritalin before this. It did everything it was supposed to and more - it's been a miracle for me. It still helps me focus and I don't know what I'd do without it. It's really helped me regain the motivation to change my life around.
But for the past two weeks (still on the same dose, so it's not because it was bumped up) I've had this overwhelming feeling of depression, emptiness, emotional blunting. I know I have all these emotions inside me, everything makes me want to cry, yet I can't really 'feel' them or actually cry if that makes sense. At first, I thought maybe I was just one of those people who don't respond well to Ritalin after a while, and I could (and I probably will, anyway) tell my psychiatrist the next time I see him I want to change to a different medication that isn't methylphenidate.
But it dawned on me yesterday that the problem might persist, because then I noticed I've been obsessively thinking about my dysphoric thoughts for about the same time, when before I could ignore them. So now I'm wondering if the Ritalin made them come back... and if it did, I would have the same issue with Adderall or any other ADHD medication, no? I hear a lot of people when first starting a stimulant, it's great at first, and then a couple month's in they often say they're hit with this feeling of depression, and that a lot of times it's due to the fact they finally realize how poor their life and functioning was before medication and it kind of all hits them at once.
I wonder if something similar is happening to me. Ritalin successfully got rid of my constant inner monologue, almost fully exterminating my social anxiety since I no longer had to worry about that. It even got rid of my regular, treatment resistant depression... Amazingly, it cured almost all of my chronic pain, something hydromorphone/opioids never could even come close to.
But I'm thinking, by extension, since I had so much clutter in my brain, it might have allowed me to shove my other feelings to the back and focus on all the other 'sad' stuff in my life. But without all that clutter, the only thing left in the room are these feelings, and now I have nothing else to focus on, so my brain automatically focuses on that because there's literally nothing else.
I don't know if this sounds crazy or not, I'm just super confused. I'm conflicted because stimulants have really changed my life around. I really want to get better and get my life on track after being a depressed hermit for years. It really threw a life-line for me. But I'm also scared that these feelings will persist, and truly become impossible to ignore. What if they don't go away? I'm afraid if I confront them, accept them, or tell anyone about them everything will fall apart and I'll just ruin my life, you know? Am I really trans, or is it just my medication making me wonky? I always had these feelings, but I was able to push them away.. but now I can't. Does that even make a difference? Should I continue pushing them away and hope for the best, and just accept it as a negative side effect I have to deal with?
I wish there were more easy answers for this. I keep searching to see if other people have had the same experience or question as me, but it seems like I'm the only one. I feel really alone.

Hi, throwaway account here. Apologies in advance for the long post, it of a complicated situation that's causing a lot of confusion.
Several months ago I finally started treatment for Adult ADHD. I was put on a low starting dose of Ritalin at 10 mg, and have been seeing my psychiatrist frequently for dose adjustments. I have been on 40 mg, (20 mg twice a day) for about 4 weeks now, and I still have another refill to go through before I see my psychiatrist again.
It worked really well at first. Extremely subtle, but it was like night and day. I didn't understand all the hate it got for side effects. I didn't get any anxiety, irritability, appetite suppression, insomnia or any of the bad effects. If anything, it got rid of my anxiety. I never really talked in class before my medication. It changed my life, it made me realize hey, something ACTUALLY works for once in my life when everything else failed. I rationalized the removal of my social anxiety on the fact that before medication, I always had this internal monologue running in my head, always thinking about what other people might be thinking about me, and it was impossible to ignore. With that monologue shut off, I can just talk like a normal person, without having to hear that commentary anymore, I could just be me. Hell, it did so much more for me that I didn't even KNOW it could - it got rid of almost all of my chronic pain, something prescription opioids (hydromorphone, which I haven't taken in years) couldn't even come CLOSE to.
People always say that it's roughest in the first few weeks because your body is adjusting to the new medication. Or when you up your dosage, the first few days can be rough but it goes back to normal.
I'm experiencing the complete opposite. I was running like normal on the first 2 weeks of 40 mg. And then I don't know what happened, but I have this overwhelming feeling of emptiness, emotional blunting yet also sadness. I'm uninterested in everything and everyone. Every little thing makes me want to cry, but I don't have the emotions to do so. I feel tired, lethargic, no energy to do anything anymore. The only thing it still does right is manage my chronic pain and help me focus a little. But beyond that, I feel terrible.
How does this relate to being trans? Well, it kind of dawned on me earlier that this general feeling of emptiness might be related, but I'm still insure if I'm overthinking it or not.
I was originally supposed to be a boy so my family was really disappointed when I was born because they had picked out a boy name and all this other boy stuff. Personality wise I was always a bit of a tomboy but was always pushed to hyperfeminity. I didn't have a problem with it as a kid because I didn't have a concept of gender that young yet.
This started to change a little bit starting around 9 years old when I started getting my hair short and wearing loose, masculine clothes. I still didn't have much of a concept of gender, my mom just thought I was a tomboy and that I would grow out of it eventually. I remember one instance where I casually brought it up with my mom (I was about 12 years old), still not really understanding gender and I can't remember the exact same words, but I basically said along the lines I wish I was a guy so I could be gay. My mom told me it's just a phase and I'm just a confused straight girl so I believed her and pushed it to the back of my mind, not thinking about it for a long time.
By now I was pretty vehemently bullied by my peers because I looked different from everyone else, compounded by the fact I was dealing with the behavioural problems from undiagnosed ADHD an C-PTSD (child sexual abuse) made me a very awkward kid. I struggled a lot with having crushes. No guy would like me because not only was I awkward, I was too masculine and reminded them of guys, and they were straight. But no gay guy would ever like me either, because I was just a girl to them.
I have what I suspect are some hormonal problems and it sucked growing up. I started my period really early (9 years old but closer to 10), i got lots and lots of body hair at 6-7 and I started getting facial hair at 12. I was bullied relentlessly for it. There was one incident when I was 14-15 when I was going out to an event and saw myself in the mirror and noticed I had five o clock shadow, and I was mortified, because I was tying to look more feminine and I was afraid of being perceived as a trans woman. I've often been told when dressed as a woman I look like a man and when dressed as a man I look like a woman.
Eventually, I could not stand it anymore, so at 15 I started seriously growing my hair out again and began doing my makeup and dressing feminine in a very performative way. It was a gradual process but by the time I was 17 it would take hours to to paint my face, do my hair, pick an outfit just to go to school. I often told people I was just superficial and thought everyone should care about their appearance, or that I'm just doing it for me or its a 'girl' thing to dress for other girls, but really I was doing it because I wanted attention from guys. Which I never received. My personality was too masculine and aggressive for guys despite me being quite shy. To this day I haven't figured out how to have a "feminine" personality or what about my personality makes people think of a man. I just know that when random people on the internet who don't know me assume I'm a guy, a part of me gets really happy.
At the very least it stopped the bullying. A part of me felt really wrong inside but I was also just coming to terms with my childhood trauma. I didn't have much dysphoria but I believe its because the way I did femininity was basically a performance I was able to completely mentally dissociate myself from it. As a theatre kid, it felt a bit like playing a character in a play or drag. It would still come off at the end of the day.
After high school I became a bit of a hermit due to a lot of things going on in my life I became very depressed and my chronic pain was too much to go out. I stopped dressing in a feminine manner. What I think might have been dysphoria really started coming into play. I started really badly wishing I could have a deep voice, had a masculine name, wishing i could cut off my chest or get my uterus removed so i dont get periods, i kept looking at (FTM) transformations and thinking, "I wish that was me" but always told myself it was not me, that I would grow out of this. I always told myself even if I was it wouldn't be worth it because the surgeries aren't good or I'll never be able to pass because I have a really high voice and very feminine facial and bone structure. And that since I like men life would just be easier living my life as a straight woman, so that's what I've been doing. I'm able to push these negative thoughts to the back of my head, most days.
That brings to today. I'm 24 currently and like I explained earlier, the Ritalin has been a game changer for me, I actually have motivation to get my life together now. But the past few weeks with how it's been making me feel, it's impossible to ignore. It just clicked earlier that it might not be that the Ritalin itself is making me simply depressed. Now I'm starting to wonder if, by pushing away my feelings of dysphoria away so long....combined with the Ritalin getting rid of so many things that were distracting me in life, now that my head is in a 'clear' space, without any clutter, the only thing left is these feelings of dysphoria. And with no extra clutter to focus on instead, it's now the only thing I CAN focus on. I can't ignore it on focus on something else that makes me sad anymore... because it's the only thing left.
And I've noticed it too, over the past few weeks, including leading up to these negative feelings, I've been thinking much more excessively again how much I want a different voice, looking at transformations , or just guys in general and thinking "I wish that was me." I can't shake the feeling that this might be related somehow. I thought of changing medications, maybe to Adderall, but I have this weird feeling in my gut that it won't actually change anything for the reason I outlined just above. I've actually heard after being on medication for a while a lot of people with ADHD get depressed because they finally have this sort of realization how bad their life was before medication and it kind of hits them all at once, so I guess this would be a similar type of situation.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel really confused, the depression is eating away at me, and I've been searching for a long time and yet I still haven't found someone with the same situation or question. I feel super alone. Am I crazy? Does this even make sense? To anyone who took the time to read all this, thank you.

Since I was 15 years old ( Im 25 now ), I have done over 70 different psychoactive chemicals and plants. I've done LSD, Marijuana, Tobacco, Alcohol, Kratom, MXE, Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Foclin, Psilocybin Mushrooms, DXM, MDMA, 25I-NBOME, N2O, Ambien, Seroquel, Trazodone, Xanax, Kolonopin, Ativan, Clonazolam, Etizolam, Cocaine, Flubromazepam, DMT, 2c-b, Gabapentin, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Opium, Spice Products, Yohimbe, Kava, Caffeine, Salvia, Methadone, Dust Off, Benzedrex Inhalers, LSA, Wellbutrin, Catnip, Lotus, Elevil, Baclofen, Tramodol, Valium, Soma, Flexeril, Codiene, Hydromorphon, Morphine, 2FMA, 2FA, Hydroxizine, ALD-52, 4-HCO-DMT, Phenibut, DXE, Ketamine, Heroin, Meth, Adrafinil, Peyote, Amanita Muscaria, and Ergot Wine ( yes I really did that ). Ive been through addiction many times. Meth was a big one for me. Ive shot, plugged, sniffed, swallowed, smoked, just about any ROA you can think of. I researched all these drugs before I did them. When I got my drugs I would keep a journal and write how I felt when on these substances. I do not look like an addict. Im very healthy, well spoken, and well dressed. I have a good job and a healthy future. Ask me Anything. PS im sure im forgetting a few but this is what I got off the top of my head

A schedule one controlled substance is defined by the DEA as:
"Schedule I drugs, substances, or chemicals are defined as drugs with no currently accepted medical use and a high potential for abuse. Schedule I drugs are the most dangerous drugs of all the drug schedules with potentially severe psychological or physical dependence. Some examples of Schedule I drugs are:
heroin, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), marijuana (cannabis), 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (ecstasy), methaqualone, and peyote"¹
So according to this, cannabis, now being prescribed as medicine, cannot be a schedule 1 drug.
It is also more dangerous then schedule two drugs, which are described by the same website as:
"Schedule II drugs, substances, or chemicals are defined as drugs with a high potential for abuse, less abuse potential than Schedule I drugs, with use potentially leading to severe psychological or physical dependence. These drugs are also considered dangerous. Some examples of Schedule II drugs are:
cocaine, methamphetamine, methadone, hydromorphone (Dilaudid), meperidine (Demerol), oxycodone (OxyContin), fentanyl, Dexedrine, Adderall, and Ritalin"¹
Now I have personally done a few things on those two lists, and I would agree with some of the placement. Yet, it makes no sense to me how pot is still a schedule 1 drug. It belongs no where near that list. Looking at the last two places on the controlled substances page, I would understand a placement as a schedule 4 controlled substance, since schedule 5 drugs
"Schedule V drugs are generally used for antidiarrheal, antitussive, and analgesic purposes."¹
However, I would understand it more if alcohol was placed there as well. legalization soap box aside, how is it still a scheldule 1 controlled substance?
Citation 1 http://www.justice.gov/dea/druginfo/ds.shtml

I am from Australia, I inject various drugs on a regular basis, and I have for years, I have never binged or used daily. Through ups and downs and never had trouble with addiction, my drugs of choice are opiates, particularly oxycodone and heroin, but I have also injected MDMA, methamphetamine, cocaine, amphetamine, dexamphetamine, ritalin, hydromorphone, oxymorphone and morphine. I went to university and completed a degree in chemistry, I live on my own, go to the gym regularly and I am pretty healthy AMAA.