I was diagnosed by several GPs with a nasty ear infection last year and it took a good month for it to disappear however I was left with lingering symptoms such as lightheadedness. I didn’t think much of it as I took my doctor’s advice. Fast forward to March, I read about a man who was misdiagnosed with an ear infection which turned out to be a terminal brain tumor. I naturally freaked out and suddenly my symptoms became worse. I now have twitching all over my body, tingling/burning sensation all over also, my left leg feels weird… like it feels weak and floaty however I can do everything on it as normal and can walk miles on it without any issue, I feel imbalanced like I’m going to fall over constantly (I never have) however my PT compliments me on my balance and core & eye pain. I also had nausea and loss of appetite which I have fully recovered from. I have other symptoms too but no idea if my mind is playing tricks on me as the more I read about brain tumor stories - the more symptoms pop up!
I went to my GP, optician, and ENT specialist. They all conducted lots of tests & the optician did an OCT scan of my eye and tested the pressure. Nothing abnormal was found and my optic nerves weren’t swollen/looked healthy. The ENT specialist did lots of tests and didn’t find anything abnormal either and he thinks the ear infection has damaged my vestibular and needs to be retrained. He doesn’t think it’s necessary for an MRI scan as he’s 99.9% sure it isn’t a brain tumor but will happily refer me if it will provide me with reassurance to move on from this.
My scan is now next week and I’m preparing for the worst. I am trying to relax but can’t stop thinking I’m going to die! I have a vacation a week or two later and I’m convinced I won’t be going.
Anyone else going through this??

DC Next Proudly Presents:

THE NEW TITANS

In Shadow of Kestrel
Issue Nine: War Dove
Written by AdamantAce, GemlinTheGremlin & PatrollinTheMojave
Edited by Deadislandman1 and Voidkiller826
 
Next Issue > Coming Next Month
 
 
“Raven!”
Slade’s gruff voice pierced through the deafening, wave-like roars in Raven’s head, but the rage was too much to bear. Her hands sizzled as hellfire danced in her palms, her body readying for another attack. She locked eyes with a reptilian soldier, dismounting his simian steed and charging on foot, but as she lunged forwards to strike him, she watched a man fly into her path. Slade Wilson caught the young Titan’s hand and pushed, throwing Raven backwards.
“Come on, kid, snap out of it!” But as Slade’s words fell on deaf ears, he felt the familiar sting of a fist to his jaw, a crack echoing in his ears. He recoiled from the attack but powered through his injury and stood his ground. Sinking his heels into the ground, he locked eyes with the girl before him. Her face seemed contorted and uncanny, as if all of the rage she was feeling was pouring out of her. She groaned angrily as she thrusted her head downwards, her forehead making contact with Slade’s teeth, before pulling her head back up again in preparation for another attack.
Before she could make one, however, one of the lizardmen had almost reached the warring duo’s sides, and as he lunged forward with his long spear, he made contact with Raven’s side. A small rip formed in the side of Raven’s outfit, which seemed to only anger her further. However, it did seem to distract her enough; Mar’i fired off a single Starbolt which struck only the ground - a warning shot.
“Raven! Please!” the half-Tamaranean cried out. But the Raven she knew was buried under unfathomable amounts of fury; she ignored her teammate’s call and instead flew forwards and swung out at the reptiloid. The strike glowed with red flame, sending the creature skidding across the floor, barely conscious. Slade spotted a flash of something else on her face, as if she was finally able to fight back against the endless rage - pain, perhaps, or anguish. But in an instant, it was gone.
That flicker of something other than white-hot anger was enough for Slade.
He clutched his side as his still open wound began to ache, the bandages feeling wet with fresh blood. His jaw felt crooked, and as he gritted his teeth, it felt as though they sat differently atop each other. And yet, he clutched his staff tightly in one hand, and with the other he beckoned to Raven.
“Kid, you’re fighting it, I know you are!” Slade felt his mouth filling with blood rather than saliva.
Within a moment, Raven’s attention was locked on the white-haired man once again. She fired bolt after bolt of black and red flame, but Slade was still dextrous despite his pain. He dodged and dived, weaving through the fire, until he finally managed to make contact with his opponent. He drove his staff into her chest and pushed his weight against the weapon, forcing her backwards. She rose into the air, a black mist pouring from her arms and over her face, a large ghostly corvid taking her place. He felt the deathly cold shadow of the bird’s wing fall over him, his feet leaving the ground as she scooped him into the air.
He looked down at the ground far beneath him. A fall from this height would kill anyone, he thought, let alone someone beaten half to death.
Then, as a verdant bolt of energy struck it in the side, Raven’s Soul Self shrieked and the shadows retreated inwards. Slade felt himself falling through the air for a second, then two, before he felt his back collide with something soft and cushioned. As he looked up, he met the gaze of Conner, who soared to the ground in an instant, placing the snow-haired man on the ground and giving a swift nod.
Raven let out a pained, frustrated yell as she returned to the ground, aided by a grappling line expertly positioned by Tim, and in response, Conner jetted off towards the sound of her cries. Slade’s feet faltered beneath him, and he stumbled to keep his balance. His breathing was laboured and his vision was becoming fuzzy. It felt as though, he realised, all the blood loss and violence he had suffered over the past few hours were finally catching up to him. Was this what dying felt like?
“Slade!” shouted a voice, followed by the dulled drumming of hurried footsteps. Slade pulled his hand across his face to wipe away the mental haze and drops of blood. It was Don, sprinting towards him. When Slade felt Don clasp him by shoulders, he realized just how slowed he was by his injuries. “Plan?,” Slade coughed out.
“You’ve seen what she can do. I only see one way out of these without one of the kids getting hurt. I’d do it myself, but I’m out of practice and this is too important to leave to chance.” Don looked around anxiously, his face betraying that he had a lot on his mind. “I’m giving you the powers of a god.” Slade opened his mouth to ask a question, a million came to mind. He glanced across the battlefield. Through a blurry film, he saw Raven’s Soul Self bat Conner away with its wing. He careened into the trunk of a thick tree, uprooting it with a deep crunch. “Are you sure?,” Slade asked, breathless.
“I’m not losing another Titan.” Don squeezed his eyes shut. His grip on Slade tightened as pale, almost blinding light enveloped them. It felt warm. No, better than that: it felt peaceful. With his enhanced senses, Slade could hear his erratic heartbeat slow. Fleeting visions bubbled up in his mind, opening up his awareness beyond the wildest dreams of Project Veritas. He felt rivers of magical energy flowing through the air and earth. Each of them spiralled towards a depression. Towards Raven, he knew instinctively. Iridescent blue light spread outward from his shoulders. It washed over his body armor, bleaching the jet black panels until his entire body shone with radiance. The pain from wounds old and new faded, replaced by serenity - and power. Don opened his eyes again and sighed gently; a concoction and joy, relief, and quiet mourning.
“There,” Don remarked. Slade felt lighter, less angry, less burdened. He looked down at the iridescent light enveloping his body. Magical energy buzzed against the surface of his skin. “The powers of the Dove - officially yours.”
Slade sucked in a nervous breath. “Don…” Even rejuvenated, he was still lost for words.
“They’re yours now,” Don smiled weakly. “Now go earn them. There’s a Titan in dire need of our help.”
Conner floated out of the dense jungle, rubbing his forehead. “Is Slade glowing or do I have a concussion?”
Slade looked over at Raven. She seemed less erratic, her movements driven by her brain rather than her gut. Tim’s staff batted fiercely against her, each strike buffeting her back more and more, but it was clear to Slade that Raven was not any weaker physically - her mind, however, was another story.
Slade began marching towards her, the ache in his side dulled. “Raven. You’re strong. Fight this rage inside of you.” Raven glared at him, a spark of something in her eyes, as she swooped in towards him at top speed. As she neared him, however, Slade readied his staff, stretching it out in front of him. As the tip of the weapon struck Raven, a beam of white energy coursed through her, as if she had been struck by lightning, and her body was flung backwards across the dirt.
Slade danced a hand over his rifle, but something felt different. He pulled it into his hands and inspected it swiftly; nothing seemed out of order. Raven rose slowly from her supine position, snarling softly to herself. Her movements had slowed, the expression on her face becoming closer to horror than rage. She was doing it.
“You’re nearly there, kid,” Slade soothed, his words suddenly like butter. He watched Raven’s shoulders start to relax. “That’s it. Just fight this, Raven. You’re almost there.”
Despite her tremendous progress, Raven’s blistering fury won out once more, and she charged a large bolt of hellfire in her hands. Slade fiddled with his rifle and crossed his fingers. There was a standstill between the two. Slade analysed his rifle again; there was something different about the barrel, as if it had been swapped out for another similar model. The stock felt lighter, too, as if the weight had been–
Raven roared at him, swiping wildly with glowing fists, and in an instant Slade instinctively pulled the trigger.
What fired from the gun was not a silvery bullet, but a familiar glowing bolt of white light, cloud-like in appearance. As it struck Raven, she sucked in a deep breath, the energy engulfing her. Her face softened and her posture relaxed. Then she swung out for the man’s weakened side, his bandages poking through the aura of light. And yet, as he stayed steadfast, not even attempting to dodge the attack. Sparks flew from the point of contact. Slade just readied another shot and fired.
Her body swayed with the blow. Slade closed the gap between them and focused on the new warmth he felt, concentrating it into his staff as best he could. Then, as he held it out in front of him at arm’s length, he swiped at Raven and struck her in the side of the shoulder. Each blow seemed to be more effective than the last, but as Raven’s movements continued to slow, Slade held fire.
“You’re doing it, Raven,” Slade encouraged. He watched as the other Titans surrounded Raven, each of them ready for any further attacks. Everyone watched with bated breath as their teammate and friend thrashed and recoiled from the hit. Her breathing was rapid, although it felt closer to panic than unabashed fury. She clasped her hands over her head, groaning. Then, suddenly, she stopped.
Her face had softened completely, her jaw slack, and tears filled her vision. She looked up at Slade with a comfort in her eyes. The aura emanating from him was pervasive and contagious, and although she had felt lost in a sea of impossibly vast emotions, its warmth and comfort cut through. The anger was still there somewhat, the last remaining dregs still working its way out of her system, but the comfort, the peace that Slade was providing was the anchor for her to stabilise herself. She had only ever seen this kind of power when Don…
Raven’s eyes widened as she realised what that meant. She collapsed to her knees, suddenly feeling the bone-deep fatigue her rage had suppressed. Her teammates rushed in around her. Mar’i dropped to a knee by her side and put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s OK. You’re safe. Everyone’s OK.”
“Don I’m—” She wiped away a stream of tears, stumbling her way out of the emotional vortex she’d been sucked into. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I’ve lost control before, but never like this.”
Don looked older. Creases ran across his forehead and around his eyes. His smile hadn’t changed. “Raven, my brother and I got those powers when I was a kid. We didn’t ask for them. We weren’t ready for them. We didn’t know how to use them, let alone control them.” He laughed dryly, recalling Hank. “I don’t regret anything. Giving my powers to Slade is the best thing I’ve done with them in years. I know Hank would feel the same way.”
In the moment of silence that followed, Raven rose to her feet and pulled her cloak tightly around herself. She was still shaking. Tim’s eyes drifted from her to Slade. “Something’s gnawing at me. Kestrel’s powers are weakened in Skartaris. Don’s…” He coughed, “Slade’s powers are amplified. If this place is what affected you—”
Mar’i’s face flashed with recognition, “—your powers must be tied to the Lords of Order and Chaos!”
Tim furrowed his brow. “Maybe.” He hardly had time to consider further when a thundering crack tore open the sky. Two bolts of swirling energy - one red and one blue - met above them, forming a swirling portal at their vertex. The Titans readied their weapons, expecting the worst.
“It’s them.” Slade murmured, still put off by his uncanny awareness. Terataya and T’Charr descended from the sky, one wreathed in mist, the other, magma. The two elementals stopped a few feet above the ground, hovering.
Terataya was the first to speak. Even at a whisper, her voice reverberated through the air. “I don’t usually care for surprises, Don, but this was a pleasant one.” A thin smile appeared on her face.
“Slade Wilson.” Terataya’s neck turned at an unnatural angle to face him. “You wield the powers of Order with great skill. Who understands the dangers of unchecked War better than a soldier. Become my champion. Protect the balance.”
Slade took a step back, then glanced at Don.
“She’s right.” Don said, with only a hint of hesitation. “It took me years to use the powers like you used them today. You’re a natural.”
Slade looked at his hands, still gently pulsing with pale blue light. “Thanks.” He allowed himself a weak smile. “But no thanks.”
“What.” T’Charr’s voice boomed.
“It doesn’t take Zatanna to realize an old soldier like me makes a piss-poor Avatar of Peace. I fight for a living, and I’m not deluded enough to think that makes me good at anything but fighting. If you want someone who understands the need for balance, Don just sacrificed everything special about him for it.”
Don raised an eyebrow. “None taken.”
“His actions today were noble, but they do not make up for years spent squandering the gift.”
“Squandering? The Titans wouldn’t exist today if he hadn’t pulled them together. Everything they’ve done. Everything they’ve achieved for your balance wouldn’t have happened without him, including stopping that monster you made.”
“Watch your tone, mortal.” T’Charr threatened.
“There may be a vein of truth to his words, lover.” Terataya said. “But *if we were to restore Don Hall’s power, we would need assurances. His indecision led down this path.”*
Rocks ground against each other as T’Charr landed beside Don. “You would have weeks, not years, to select a counterpart and return to your duties.”
Don’s response was instantaneous. “I’ve made a decision.”
“You’ve decided if you’ll take up the mantle of Dove again?”
Don nodded. “And who should be the new Hawk.”
Terataya giggled. “Full of surprises today. T’Charr?”
“We should discuss this.” He said. “In private.”
The three of them vanished, leaving the Titans and Slade alone on a battlefield riddled with bits of dino meat and ape fur.
 
○○ Ⓣ ○○
 
“You don’t think they’re gonna come back in like, 200 years, right?” Conner asked. He sat beside the depowered Slade Wilson, who was downing aspirin to make up for the sudden deficit in peace energy.
“I don’t know.” Tim said. “But we should give them more than fifteen minutes.”
As if on cue, the skies opened again. Again, the chromatic energy lit the sky and again a portal opened its swirling maw. This time, however, it wasn’t two elemental Lords to descend. Raven squinted to make the figures out.
“Oh my god.” Conner said, having a far easier time with his super-vision.
“What? Who is it?” Tim asked.
“Donna!” Mar’i shouted. She shot off the ground towards her. Her black combat armor was replaced with a crimson and white bodysuit studded with stars that seemed to twinkle as the light shifted around her. The sword at her side was gone too, replaced with a coiled loop of rope suffused with the same brilliant energy. The two collided into an embrace, spinning through the air as they held each other tightly.
Don was the first to land, restored with the powers of Dove. He looked stronger than ever, and maybe more importantly, happier. Even Tim’s typical thoughtful brooding has been pierced by an unimpeachable joy.
“I don’t understand,.” Raven said. “S-She’s alive. How is this possible?”
“I knew there was only one person who could be trusted with the powers of War, with Hank’s abilities.” He scratched the back of his neck, a bit guilty. “And she’d been staring me in the face for years. It took some doing, but eventually T’Charr and Terataya saw that too.”
Donna landed beside him, Mar’i only a step behind. By now Conner had stepped forward. He tried not to choke over his words. “I’m sorry. If I’d—”
Donna didn’t let him get the words out before pulling him into a grapple-turned-hug that quickly grew as the rest of the team piled in. Slade flicked another aspirin into his mouth.
“Danyah!” A voice called out from over the ridge. It was Travis, mounted atop a fanged reptilian creature in the vague shape of a horse and flanked on either side by his gold-armored honor guard. He broke into a gallop, stopping just short of the Titans. “When I saw the skies, I feared the worst. Is it really you? Has sorcery brought you back to us?”
“It’s me, Travis. A Lord of Chaos brought me back.”
“Not to interrupt,.” Slade said, still nursing his wounds. “But did either of you ask them to bring us back to Chicago?”
“I…” Don grimaced. “Donna, how do we get home?”
“How did you get here? Surely you could return the way you came.” Travis said.
“No, we can’t.” Tim said, pressing a few buttons on his wrist’s holographic display. “Whatever magic pervades Skartaris is also causing some extreme time dilation. I can’t guarantee we’d return to the 21st century, or even to Earth.”
“I spent a decade in Skartaris and returned to Earth nearly two centuries later. It’s the influence of Chaos. We’d need a Skartaran mage of overwhelming power to stabilize our return.” She spat the word mage with disgust. Travis’s expression seemed to confirm the reputation of Skartaran spellcasters.
Before their anxiety could spiral, the sky above began to churn. Moments later, the ground shook as a violent bolt of lightning cleaved the air, striking with such ferocity that all but Conner and Donna were flung backward. Mar'i skidded across the damp undergrowth, her senses overwhelmed by the acrid scent of ozone. Her mind was racing; their victory was hard fought, and she doubted they had much left in the tank for another confrontation. She dug her hands into the ground and pushed herself up as she choked from the smell. The Warlord Morgan and his military guards snapped to attention, forming a protective ring around the crater that now marred the earth.
From the smoking pit, a figure rose, unfolding from a crouch like something out of Terminator. Adorned in a red and white jumpsuit that accentuated his lithe build, the young man's appearance was marked by a red cowl and goggles, with sandy brown hair rebelliously spilling out.
Conner squinted through the dissipating smoke, murmuring under his breath, “A speedster?” The Flashes had had a variety of different sidekicks and other allies over the years, but none of them recognised this one
With a nonchalant flair that seemed at odds with the charged atmosphere, the newcomer greeted them. “Hey, everyone chillax. I'm here to get you guys back home.”
Donna, ever the leader, stepped forward and spoke with a commanding curiosity, now emboldened with the war aura of Hawk. “And who are you exactly? Why should we trust you with such a claim?”
Flashing a cheeky grin, he tilted his head and responded, “Well, I’m a speedster for one. Name’s Impulse. If I run fast enough, then I can… well, I guess bend time.”
Behind Donna, the group exchanged sceptical glances. Raven's face remained shadowed by recovery, Mar'i and Conner braced for action, and Tim discretely checked his gadgets, no doubt for something that he could use on a speedster should the need arise.
“Yeah, we figured that much,” Don cut through the tension, his voice calm yet insistent. “Who sent you?”
Impulse chuckled, his demeanour remaining unfazed by their scrutiny. “Look, the details aren't the fun part. Trust me, I can get us back.”
As a silence thick with doubt and scepticism settled over the group, Impulse seemed to realise his casual assurances weren't sufficient. With a theatrical sigh, he reached up and removed his mask, revealing a face familiar to both Mar'i and Raven.
“Brody!?” Mar'i exclaimed, her surprise echoing through the clearing as she stared at the boy who had once hobbled through their college classes with his leg in a cast.
The young man’s grin widened, his eyes sparkling with mischief and a hint of pride. “Actually, it’s Bart.”
 
○○ Ⓣ ○○
 
When Slade emerged from the shower, his skin was glistening with moisture, the water tracing the contours of his scars. He wrapped a stark white towel around his waist, and crossed the plush carpet to sit on the edge of the hotel room bed. He released a slow, deep breath; it was a good job the speedster kid arrived when he did. The notion of being stranded in an alien land or, worse, a different time had gnawed at him with a ferocity that was hard to admit. Without Bart’s intervention, every one of Slade’s meticulously crafted plans would have been utterly dashed.
Facing him, a wall-mounted mirror caught his rugged reflection. Drawn to his own image, Slade studied the scars that mapped his trials, the slick white hair that crowned his head, and the deep lines etched into his face. A familiar discomfort nagged at him, focusing his attention on his right eye. Unable to alleviate the irritation through the skin, Slade exhaled heavily and carefully removed the eye altogether. The movement, fluid and practised, spoke of years of adaptation.
He placed the prosthetic gently on the bed beside him and as he massaged the socket, a decades-old habit, his mind wandered. He wasn't accustomed to keeping the prosthetic in for extended periods. Showering with it had been an uncomfortable experiment in necessity - he didn't like it, but understood the importance of maintaining the facade. The Slade he would have people believe he was would have never lost an eye, because that Slade had led a life far from by the darker paths Slade had truthfully trodden.
His thoughts wandered to his brief time wielding the potent powers of Dove, and Slade felt a twinge of regret at their loss. The clarity and strength those powers had provided were intoxicating, yet he recognised that he had a more important goal, one he couldn’t compromise. His current role demanded not the accumulation of power but the perfection of his deceit, ensuring that all believed he was not the Slade Wilson they knew, but a Reawakened, more innocent doppelganger.
Now, with the glass eye resting beside him, Slade stared at his unmasked visage. Maintaining the myth of the noble Slade was critical. The ruthless mercenary, the World’s Deadliest Killer - those identities had to remain buried. The Titans had believed him enough to entrust him with divine powers, their faith a testament to his performance, but the game was far from over; in fact, it was entering its most critical phase.
 
 
Next: Return to normality in The New Titans #10
 

Visiting my grandma is so draining!!!
Hello! I am female, 25. My grandma is 77 and lives in a retirement home.
Backstory: I spent most of my childhood days with my grandma. I really loved her and still do. My mom was always working so my grandma took care of me. She is really goofy and sweet and nice.
She has been sick as long as I can remember. Different things like renal insufficiency, arthritis, can’t walk, immense pain in her legs,..
My mom always complained that visiting her was so draining and she hated it because my grandma always told her about her pain 10 times and then she complained about everything else. When I was a kid, she never talked to me about it so I always thought like 'why does mom say such mean things grandma is so nice'
My mom has died 2 years ago. My grandma had to move to a retirement home because her health deteriorated quickly. She almost died but somehow made it through. I was always by her side because I am the only one left in the family. I visited her multiple times a week when she was in the hospital. She was always full of drugs and she couldn’t hear a thing so I always wrote on paper and she answered.
When she moved to where she is now, I tried to visit once a week. I’m pretty busy because of work. I also adopted my moms dog and always have a lot to do. Now that I am the only person my grandma can talk to, other than the people in her home that 'behave like they are 150 years old', she always complains to me about her pain and everything else she is mad about like doctors, men she sees on tv, war, kids behaving badly, other people complaining(yes, really),…
Usually, I enter her room, sit down and then she talks for like 2-3 hours straight without letting me talk. I try but then give up after some time and just listen. When she talks about her pain, she always says it in like 10 different ways, 10 different times. Again and again. I know that she is suffering especially since my mom died and I get that she needs to talk about her pain but I can’t hear it anymore! It is chronic pain so it never changes and I KNOW that she has it. She doesn’t need to tell me again and again. Also, since my mom died it seems like she has beginning stages of dementia. So everything she tells me, she tells me several times.
I love visiting her when we talk about positive things or new changes in my life or a nice movie she has seen. But that almost never happens. It’s like she loads her negativity onto me and I take it back home when I leave.
It’s hard to explain but after listening to her complain for an hour, my body starts to feel as if I am going to pass out. It gets stressful to listen and I feel like I can’t sit straight anymore I get dizzy and get a headache. I am extremely sensitive and empathic, so listening to someone talk about negative things or them suffering is always stressful for me. But with her it’s so bad that my body reacts to it.
This has lead to me not visiting once a week but once every 2-3 weeks. I feel SO bad about it!!! I feel guilty and ashamed. I know I am the only one who visits her and I know how much she loves me and loves seeing me but I just can’t.
Today is week 3 of not visiting her and I know I should visit her today and I’m fighting with myself.
I don’t know what to do. Talking to her about it is not an option. She is extremely sensitive so it would be very hurtful to her. She would take it as me not wanting to hear it and then she would never talk about her feelings again and just stay silent the entire visit.
I try to lead the conversation in different directions but she always ends up complaining again. Most of the time I leave after 1-2 hours because I feel like she sucked out all my energy.
TL;DR Has anyone else experienced something like this? Why is it so hard to listen to someone complain? What can I do to not feel so drained? What’s an appropriate amount of visiting someone in a retirement home?

I thought I would ask another question as something has been on this health anxiety person's mind lately.
I had a root canal done on one of my main top incisors 6 years ago. The root had developed a cyst. For a little while after the procedure, I would get this strange "sensation" when I would push on the roof of my mouth with my tongue in the spot where the root of the root canaled tooth is. I could also trigger this sensation by pushing, with my finger, above my upper lip that is on the opposite side of the tooth.
It is NOT pain of any kind. Just like a slight nerve feeling that lasts for a second with the pressure. This "sensation" has followed me for six years and sort of comes and goes when I am thinking about it. Like I said it is not painful. Just that slight tingle when I put pressure on the roof of my mouth in that spot.
Does this make any sense? Is it anything to worry about? Have other root canal folks had something similar? Is this my health anxiety amplifying something because I am thinking about it too much? Thank you for your thoughts. Hopefully I am not coming across like a crazy health anxiety person.

KEY POINTS

• The therapeutic interactions between doctors and cannabis patients can be extremely gratifying.
• Having time to deeply explain and then followup with cannabis patients and caregivers creates a special bond.
• Working in the world of medical cannabis is provocative and challenging as more is learned about the plant.
• People's interactions with cannabis provoke a fascinating mix of medical and spiritual benefits.

Working with patients and their families for the past nine years as a medical cannabis practitioner has been extremely gratifying in many surprising ways.
After 30-plus years in the ER and urgent care setting, providing one-time, episodic interventions and rarely seeing the same patient again, I now have accrued a roster of hundreds of ongoing patients, many of whom I have continued to treat since I began as a registered cannabis practitioner in 2016.
The conversations we have, mostly about their positive responses to using medical cannabis but about so many other aspects of life, politics, and their illnesses, have become a very important part of my own life. These dialogues have brought me closer to the patients, their families, and their caregivers and have been instrumental in my ever-deepening understanding of and appreciation for the vast array of benefits that medical cannabis provides.
It’s been a tremendously important and enriching experience and, in addition, has rekindled my interest in biochemistry, neurotransmitters, and brain anatomy, subjects that I last explored during medical school.
Most remarkable has been the array of patients I’ve met who have taken me into their lives. Advising patients about medical cannabis has brought me into contact with a stratum of people I would otherwise probably never have access to. They have ranged from corporate CEOs, attorneys, and others wanting a medical cannabis card so they wouldn’t get arrested with illicit products to people with devastating and debilitating autoimmune diseases or those with terminal cancer.
Regardless of where along the health and socioeconomic spectrum my patients lie, there has been a consistent attitude that I became aware of early on when the law legalizing medical cannabis first went into effect.
I’m referring to an openness to trying cannabis. These patients, their families, and their caregivers haven’t been taken in by the nearly 90-year-old propaganda onslaught against the plant. Either they laughed at the “killer weed” characterizations, were open-minded enough to see or know others for whom it worked, or, especially in the many elderly patients I see, they’d already tried everything else before they came to me. They clearly had not gotten relief for an array of symptoms caused by their underlying diseases and were willing to give medical cannabis a shot.
As they have seen its benefits, this has formed a unique bond between many of us, an understanding and camaraderie in that we are partaking in something still considered forbidden and illegal in many corners of the globe. Yet we know that despite that condemnation, we have access to something that, as so many of them say, is “life-changing.”
I had realized early on in the ER and Urgent Care setting the need for abbreviated interactions. The conversations and observations that transpired in those settings helped my interventions there to provide the best immediate therapeutic relief. Even though they were often brief (of necessity), these experiences also led to many of the stories I wrote and were published. Now, in this late-in-life career choice, the longer conversations that I can pursue provide me incredible insights into the workings of the cannabis plant and provoke me to try to understand what I’m being told by patients or their caregivers about their observations on what taking cannabis is like.
I seem to learn the most from my “cannabis naive” patients, those who have never used the plant. They will describe the process of finding that “sweet spot,” discovering the therapeutic regimen that gives them the relief they seek, bringing them back to where they’d been before their illness struck. And, whether this happens in a day or a week or longer, the story is similar to hearing someone describe an epiphany.
I can no longer count the times I’ve been told: “I now go through the day without pain and have to remind myself that it’s from the cannabis tincture I take every morning.”
I’m reminded of a patient who’d come to me for treatment of severe chronic back pain. When I asked, with concern, how the high THC product he took every morning for that pain affected him at work, he recounted how, as a computer programmer, he was tasked with coming up with solutions to various program challenges. He told me that using cannabis allowed him to find answers he would not have seen otherwise.
Or the successful businessman with Crohn’s disease who, before using cannabis at work, would be debilitated by his flares. Now, four or five years into his involvement in the program, when he senses a flare coming on, he uses a very well-controlled dose of his high-THC cannabis, and shortly thereafter, he dives right back into caring for his customers, pain-free and focused.
I also have a patient with USHER 3 syndrome, a degenerative disease ultimately causing deafness and blindness. She has compared her taking cannabis to being in a dark room and having the lights go on.
Several patients with severe pain syndromes, overweight and out of shape (and scheduled to have surgery for resolution of their symptoms), have found that as cannabis increasingly resolved their pain, they became more active, lost weight, had even less pain, and ultimately (for several, now six or seven years into using cannabis) have been able to avoid going under the knife.
I have another patient, a writer with severe anxiety and some cognitive issues, whom I saw recently in follow-up, a year into treatment with cannabis. She is much more focused, conversant, and happy, interacting with family and caregivers in a much more positive way, and no longer abusing alcohol.
Another, a teacher with Autism Spectrum Disorder, told me he has been able to escape the destructive route older generations in his family had chosen, using alcohol to try and treat their symptoms. Instead, he has adopted a cannabis regimen to effectively control his ASD.
I also must mention the great help my colleagues and I are seeing that cannabis can provide for many of the symptoms of dementia.
It is my hope that those of us practitioners in the world of medical cannabis can continue to educate the public and break down the stigma surrounding cannabis. Hopefully, as well, governments will move forward in rescheduling (or de-scheduling) cannabis so that more patients can benefit from its therapeutic potential.
This brings me back to my last patient and the question about THC and wisdom:
I recently saw a middle-aged man, a Hasidic Jew, with inflammatory bowel disease. He found that medical cannabis could be very helpful in controlling his IBD flares. In addition, when we were on a follow-up call a few months after he began taking medical cannabis, he asked me something.
“Dr. Weinberg,” he asked, “does THC give you wisdom?”
I was intrigued by the question and asked back, “Why, what do you mean?”
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been reading Talmud all my life, and there have always been passages I don’t understand.” He paused. “But when I take my medical cannabis, and I go back to my studies, I get it! I understand the meaning of those passages. And it’s not because I’m high! Both my wife and the rabbi agree that my insights are valid and profound.”
Knowing the many references to cannabis in ancient Hebrew (and other spiritual) texts, I shouldn’t have been surprised at his question. I was delighted, however, and am eager to pass this insight along to others as we hopefully advance our knowledge of the many benefits of the cannabis plant.

I’m still at the hospital 1 day post op, the pain is so severe all my abdomen is hurting like hell. How long does this pain lasts for? I had double surgery for chest and tummy

I got bit by a stray dog in late February. My dog charged it and I broke up the fight. It didn’t mean to bite me.
It’s unconfirmed if the dog was infected but it seemed to be healthy days and weeks after the bite. it lives on my moms ranch and roams around the rural area.
I went to the ER within an hour of getting bit I think. I was pretty panicked. I overheard the nurses saying stuff like “how tf do you treat rabies? what do we do?” -stuff like that through the curtain. I honestly thought I was completely fucked.
Luckily the doctor knew what he was doing. I got 3 hemoglobin something shots in the puncture wounds. then a tetanus and a rabies vaccine in each limb. I had to go back 3 times for follow up rabies vaccines as well. 19 THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS BTW
I have pretty bad health anxiety even since I was a kid. I am freaked the fuck out. Anytime I feel a strange sensation in my body I overthink the fuck out of it.
I’m worried that the virus is setting in. I’ve been having these like millisecond moments of dizziness randomly throughout the day. super brief bouts of nausea and prickly feelings in random parts of my body. mostly hands and feet. there’s this weird headache feeling I get where it feels like it moves around different parts of my skull a little. all super brief symptoms of something and they are super random. this weird sensation in my neck too. almost a tightness. I wouldn’t explain any of this as painful. but if it gets worse i’ll know im dead.
no two of them happen at the same time. it’s not constant or anything. just strange and definitely something I hope I am overthinking. i’m scared.
The dog couldn’t be infected right? there’s no way I have rabies right? I did everything I could right? will I die at 19 from fucking rabies in Austin Texas? I thought this didn’t happen.
This disease is fucking horrifying. you might not have symptoms for up to a year. whether or not you do. you’re already dead. there is NO cure. god help my soul

I know that the problem of evil/theodicy are long debated issues, and I'm not looking to have those arguments at this time. That being said, the main reason I'm drawn to Christianity is because of the obvious Truth contained in the moral teachings of Jesus. However, nothing about the world suggests that it was created by anything that was in any way morally good.
Nearly all forms of life depend on the death and consumption of other life forms to survive. Why would perfectly good being create that? Why would any entity that wasn't explicitly sadistic and cruel create that? Why do all things suffer and die? Why does disease exist? Why do some people live happier lives than others? Why do some people live easier lives than others? Does our world really look, to anyone with eyes that can see, like we live in a world that was made by the source of all Justice?
What hasn't Jesus returned? Why are all of the problems in the world still essentially the same, despite Him coming to show us the Way? How good or true of a Way can it really be if billions of people following it for nearly 2000 years have had almost no impact on making the world truly better in any material way? Has the legacy of Jesus helped at least as many people as it has hurt, and even if it had would that truly be righteous? Are we really just supposed to wait around for a magic man to come down from the clouds and fix the world? Is there some sort of mass action we should be taking instead, or does that not happen until we see the literal Messiah plummet from the sky to Tom Petty's hit song Free Fallin'?
Even if there was some Utopian future where Heaven and Earth were one, that would never be able to justify the suffering and pain that all living things must experience. There being some positive moments in our lives is not an excuse; that is the flawed logic that keeps people in abuse relationships. Free will is not an excuse, it just makes the question apply to free will, and thus the God that created it. God being neither good nor evil is also a bad answer, because there is no justifiable reason to seek out an amoral path.
Am I missing something? I mean this all completely genuinely, these things bother me severely. I grew up ELCA, became an atheist, and now follow a very esoteric form of primarily Christian thought. I want to believe, and I want to really live like Jesus. But it's hard to believe, and it's hard to actually live like Jesus when there is no clear indication that doing so improves either your own life or the world around you. Serious replies only, and know that I won't be convinced by anything that just attempts to handwave these issues.

“Either in hiding or dead eh?” Steelblade whispered. Sonora had gone into her parents room to tell her father about the attempt. He had found Meerkat curled up under her father’s wing and tail twinned with Steelblade’s. Sonora was surprised her mother could squish herself enough to fit under Steelblade’s wing. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dead if I don’t know them.” Sonora’s father sighed. “Unfortunately, it’s our only lead.”
“We could search the continent again.” Sonora suggested. Her father looked uncertain.
“I don’t know.” He said quietly. “It’s an option but I won’t be able to explore the sea kingdom again. Coral hates me and.” Steelblade paused, looking at Meerkat under his wing with sympathy. “She needs me.”
“You need each other.” Sonora told her father. “It’s how you beat Talon before. Maybe if you 2 stay close, he’ll have a harder time getting you, giving us more time.” Steelblade looked uncertain.
“It’s not how I beat him last time.” He said with a sad look at Meerkat’s scar.
“Yes it is.” Sonora said, trying to convince her father. “You may both not have been fighting, but her injury is what gave you the determination to beat him.” Her father still looked skeptical.
“I just.” He started. “Don’t want her to get hurt because of him again.” Sonora could hear the pain in her father’s voice. Not only did Meerkat gain a scar because of Steeltalon. But her and Steelblade lost half their eggs to the steelwing. Sonora, Aster, and Steelstorm were the remainders.
“Do you think you’ll have more?” Sonora asked cautiously. Steelblade blinked his eyes with surprise.
“Where did that come from?” Her father asked.
“To feel young again?” Sonora suggested with laughter in her tone. She could hear her father chuckle.
“Well with Boron having a lover and you and your brothers getting older.” Steelblade started, a playful look in his eyes. “Maybe some more would make me and Meerkat feel young again.” He joked. Sonora giggled.
“Maybe they could repair the damage done by Talon.” Sonora said. Steelblade’s face darkened.
“I don’t think anything can fully repair Talon’s actions.” Steelblade said grimly. Sonora walked next to her father’s bed and laid one of her talons on his.
“When you kill his spirit.” Sonora started. “The wounds will start to heal.” Steelblade scoffed.
“The scars will start to heal.” He said. “Most of mine are from Talon. The only one not is the one along my side. Nothing can reverse the damage he’s done.”
“Only if you let the damage linger.” Sonora said, trying to comfort the battle scarred steelwing. “Surely there is a way to forget.” Steelblade snapped his head to look her in the eyes.
“There isn’t a way to forget what Talon did.” He growled softly. “He killed 3 of my dragonets. Your siblings. He’s given me more scars than anyone else, scarred your mother, and sent other dragons to hit our friends’ families.” Sonora flinched at his sudden change in tone and she saw a guilty look in his eyes. “Sorry.” Her father apologized. “I guess it’s harder for me because he took away both my parents from me and attempted to kill the new family I’ve built.” Steelblade’s face was plagued with grief and pain. Sonora hopped up next to him and laid next to him. He put his other wing over her.
“The scars can still heal.” Sonora said as she leaned into her father.
“I know but.” Steelblade started. “It’s hard to forget the things he’s done in an attempt to ruin my life.”
“And he isn’t done.” Sonora said. “So stay strong to make sure he doesn’t win.” Steelblade laid his chin on top of her head.
“I will always stay my strongest to protect my family.” Her father replied. “Talon won’t win.” Sonora hugged his neck.
“Remember, we’ll all here for you dad.” Sonora reminded him. “We will all try to help any way we can.”
“I know.” Her father responded. “If I knew any way they could help, I’d ask. But this……….. is a whole new threat.”
“We’ll still find ways to help.” Sonora said. She knew how stubborn her father could be.
“And that’s why these are my best years.” Steelblade said as he coiled what neck he had left around Sonora’s. “I have dragons to call family and friends.” They laid there hugging for a few minutes. “Now get out there and visit with them.” Steelblade told her. “There are dragons in the here and now you should be spending time with. Not an old fossil like me.” He joked. Sonora chuckled in response before she left.
“How is he?” Cavemaker asked after she closed her parents’ door.
“He’s fine.” Sonora replied. “Mother on the other talon, isn’t as fine. She’s worried sick about him.”
“Well Meerkat didn’t have many dragons close to her.” Strider commented. “Most of her time was her and Roadrunner before she came here. She doesn’t want to lose the dragon closest to her.” Strider finished off and twinned his talon with Cypress’s.
“I know I’d be worried if Cavemaker was being haunted by Nightblade.” Canary said as she leaned into the nightwing.
“He wouldn’t be able to.” Cavemaker scoffed. “He was only set on taking over the continent. He had no desire to ruin my life.”
“You could say he did.” Boron commented. “He did injure Canary.”
“Yeah. That’s why he wouldn’t be able to do anything to me.” Cavemaker said. “Different motives and the amount of resistance he’d feel.”
“Give Blade some credit.” Cypress cut in. “He’s trying his best to hold back Talon, but Talon has had weeks to gain power and he wants to actively ruin Blade’s life.” Cavemaker nodded but still seemed unconvinced.
“When did you get so serious?” Strider joked as he elbowed the nightwing. “That’s my job.” Cavemaker sighed with defeat.
“Because I feel the defensiveness and pressure of becoming a father growing more and more as the days go on.” Cavemaker replied. Canary leaned into him and put her wing over him.
“You’ll be a fantastic father.” Canary said with a comforting voice. “You are a fantastic fiancé and a fantastic friend. Don’t let pressure get to you.” Cavemaker nuzzled the skywing.
“And you bothered me and Strider about being fast.” Cypress joked at the nightwing, causing the rest to laugh.
“Yeah well.” Cavemaker started, playfulness breaking into his voice. “I can still bother Blade and Meerkat about it.” He said with a laugh.
“Well it’s getting late.” Jellyfish said. Sonora looked out the window and saw it was getting dark. “Should get some sleep before we go searching for answers.” Everyone nodded their agreement and split off to their rooms. Sonora laid down next to her brothers. Steelstorm was sleeping on top of Aster. Sonora chuckled and laid her head on her talons. “You still want a friend’s company?” She heard Jellyfish’s whisper.
“Please.” Sonora replied. She could hear the seawing lay next to her. This night however, Jellyfish put her tail over Sonora’s.

Just woke up about 20 minutes ago and my neck is basically frozen in place. I cannot move it at all to the right and it's the most pain I've felt in a while. What do I do to make it go away? Also any reassuring comments are welcome lol

रसूल की अंतिम चिंता और अंतिम इच्छा !!
यह एक अटल सत्य है कि सबको एक न एक दिन मरना होगा , चाहे कोई कितना बड़ा महापुरुष , अवतार , या नबी क्यों न हो , लेकिन अक्सर देखा गया है कि जब बड़े से बड़े अपराधी ,और नास्तिक के मौत का समय आने लगता है तो वह ईश्वर को याद करने लगता है , और उसके मन से शत्रुओं के प्रति नफ़रत समाप्त हो जाती है , अपने अंतिम दिनों लोग अपने आश्रितों की चिंता करने लगते हैं , लेकिन अल्लाह के प्रिय और अंतिम रसूल की बात सबसे निराली थी , लगभग 13 -14 दिनों की घातक बीमारी के कारण सोमवार केदिन इस्लामी महीने सफर 29 तारीख हिजरी सन 11 को उनका देहांत हो गया था , इन हदीसों में उनकी मौत से एक सप्ताह से पहले की बातें दी गयी हैं , , ऐसी गंभीर बीमारी की हालत में उन्होंने न तो अल्लाह को याद किया और न अपने अनुयाइयों के बारे में चिंता प्रकट की थी , बल्कि उनको सबसे चिंता यही थी कि कल रात को अपनी किस पत्नी के साथ सोयेंगे ,
1-मरते समय रसूल की चिंता
"आयशा ने कहा की जानलेवा बिमारी की हालत में रसूल अपनी पत्नियों से पूछते थे कि मैं कल कहाँ ठहरूँगा ?और मैं कल कहाँ रहूँगा ? इस पर रसूल ने आयशा की तरफ देखा , आयशा ने कहा उस दिन निय्यमानुसार मेरी बारी थी , इस पर पत्नियां बोलीं आप जिसके साथ चाहें रह सकते हैं , तब रसूल मेरे ही घर में ठहर गए , और वहीँ मर गए , अल्लाह ने उनको ऐसी हालत में उठा लिया जब उनका चेहरा मेरे स्तनों के बीच था ,और उनके मुंह से निकली लार मेरी लार से मिल रही थी "
، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَانَ يَسْأَلُ فِي مَرَضِهِ الَّذِي مَاتَ فِيهِ ‏ "‏ أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا ‏"‏‏.‏ يُرِيدُ يَوْمَ عَائِشَةَ، فَأَذِنَ لَهُ أَزْوَاجُهُ يَكُونُ حَيْثُ شَاءَ، فَكَانَ فِي بَيْتِ عَائِشَةَ حَتَّى مَاتَ عِنْدَهَا‏.‏ قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ فَمَاتَ فِي الْيَوْمِ الَّذِي كَانَ يَدُورُ عَلَىَّ فِيهِ فِي بَيْتِي، فَقَبَضَهُ اللَّهُ، وَإِنَّ رَأْسَهُ لَبَيْنَ نَحْرِي وَسَحْرِي، وَخَالَطَ رِيقُهُ رِيقِي‏.‏ "
"Narrated Aisha: that during his fatal ailment, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), used to ask his wives, "Where shall I stay tomorrow? Where shall I stay tomorrow?" He was looking forward to Aisha's turn. So all his wives allowed him to stay where he wished, and he stayed atAisha's house till he died there. `Aisha added: He died on the day of my usual turn at my house. Allah took him unto Him while his head was between my chest and my neck and his saliva was mixed with my saliva."
Bukhari-Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 144
रसूल को ऐसी चिंता इसलिए हो रहीथी , क्योंकि उनकी 11 पत्निया और कई रखेंलें थी , जिनके साथ सहवास की बारी तय करने के लिये उन्होंने अनोखी तरकीब निकाल ली थी ,
2-लाटरी से सहवास की बारी
आयशा ने कहा कि रसूल लाटरी ( أَقْرَعَ ) निकाल कर औरतों की बारी तय करते थे ,और जिस पत्नी के नाम लाटरी निकलती थी वह रसूल के साथ सोती थी , एक बार सौदा का नाम निकला लेकिन उसने रसूल को खुश करने के लिए अपनी बारी ( Turn ) आयशा को दे दी "
Narrated Aisha: Allah's Apostle used to draw lots among his wives and would take with him the one on whom the lot fell. He also used to fix for everyone of his wives a day and a night, but Sauda bint Zam'a gave her day and night to 'Aisha, the wife of the Prophet intending thereby to please Allah's Apostle.
Bukhari- Volume 3, Book 48, Number 853:
रसूल की पत्नियों में कुछ विधवा ,अधेड़ ,कुरूप , मोटी और थुलथिली देह वालीं भी थी , जो उनकी अदम्य वासना पूर्ति के लिए उपयोगी नहीं थीं ,इसलिये वह बड़ी चालाकी से बूढ़ी पत्नियों की बारी जवान पत्नी को दिलवा देते थे ,
3-मोटी पत्नी को सहवास से छूट
आयशा ने कहा कि सौदा मोटी और सुस्त औरत थी , इसलिये रसूल उसे सहवास से जल्दी जाने की अनुमति दे दिया करते थे।
Narrated 'Aisha :Sauda asked the permission of the Prophet to leave earlier at the night of Jam', and she was a fat and very slow woman. The Prophet gave her permission.
Bukhari-Volume 2, Book 26, Number 740:
मरते समय रसूल के दिल में यहूदियों ,ईसाइयों (गैर मुस्लिम ) के प्रति नफ़रत और बढ़ गयी थी , और जब उनको होश आता था वह यहूदिययों और ईसाइयों पर लानतों की बरसात कर देते थे ,
4-यहूदियों और ईसाइयों पर लानत
आयशा ने कहा कि ऎसी जानलेवा बीमारी में भी रसूल कहते रहे की " यहूदीयों और ईसाइयों पर अल्लाह की लानत हो "
Narrated `Aisha:Allah's Messenger in his fatal illness said, "Allah cursed the Jews and the Christians,
"، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ قَالَتْ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي مَرَضِهِ الَّذِي لَمْ يَقُمْ مِنْهُ ‏ "‏ لَعَنَ اللَّهُ الْيَهُودَ وَالنَّصَارَى، "
Bukhari-Vol. 2, Book 23, Hadith 472
रसूल ने मरते समय भी विश्व के कल्याण और आपसी भाईचारे की कामना नहीं की थी , उलटे उनकी अंतिम इच्छा थी कि जहाँ भी इस्लामी राज्य हो वहां विधर्मियों सफाया हो जाये
5-विधर्मियों को अरब से निकालो
"बीमारी के तनाव के बावजूद रसूल ने दर्द से कराहते हुए कहा " सारे अरब से यहूदियों , ईसाइयों और मुश्रिकों को निकाल दो "
in spite of the strain of disease and suffering from pain,Prophet said "Jews, Christians and polytheists should be expelled out of Arabia.
"على الرغم من سلالة من المرض والمعاناة من الألم، وقال النبي "يجب طرد اليهود والنصارى والمشركين من الجزيرة العربية. "
मिश्कतुल मसाबिह,(مشكاة المصابيح) -1/102]
इसलिए जो लोग भारत - पाक चर्चा और मित्रता की वकालात कर रही हैं , उन्हें समझना होगा कि जिनके रसूल के विचार अन्य धर्म के लोगों के प्रति ऐसे विचार हों उनके अनुययियों से चर्चा और मित्रता की अपेक्षा रखना मूर्खता नहीं तो और क्या है ? रसूल की तरह पाकिस्तान की यही इच्छा है कि कश्मीर से सभी हिन्दू निकल जाएँ
क्या सांप अपना जहर छोड़ सकता है ?
(280 )- (22/08/2015 )

I want to share this with you to give you hope. I have been in treatment for CPTSD from early childhood neglect and emotional abuse and bullying. I've been through what many here have been through: several rounds of CBT with either no effect or leaving me retraumatized, antidepressants (which actually help me to be more stable for trauma processing), been into acute psychiatric care (they gave me a handful of anti anxiety and sleeping pills and some good words) and EMDR. First I thought EMDR didn't work sufficiently - but actually it did, it just took time. Very recently I experienced a big breakthrough. It started as a panic attack and a very unpleasant lingering feeling in my stomach. About two days later I felt how this huge clump of pain and anxiety broke into smaller parts. And since then these parts have been coming up and I feel like getting rid of something which has been poisoning a great part of my life. It is SUCH A relief, it feels so wonderful, it's beyond words. This sub helps me so much when I'm in the middle of the trauma processing storm.
Don't give up. 💔❤️‍🩹🩷 It is possible to heal. But it might take some time.

(continuation of part 2)
III. e) The Mobius FF x FFVII collaboration
Alright, back to our suspension world-hopping! Let’s visit the realm of Mobius FF, —more specifically, the collaboration between Mobius FF and FFVII—, where I found the most substantial evidence for my theory.
In case you’re unfamiliar with the Mobius FF (MFF) world and games, let’s begin with a bit of a summary of the parts relevant to us. The story takes place in a world called Palamecia, to which people from other worlds are inexplicably summoned. The vast majority of those who are brought there don’t remember anything from their worlds of origin or their lives before Palamecia except their names: these amnesiac people are called Blanks. The main character is Wol, accompanied by a guiding fairy of Palamecia named Echo. Echo knows a lot about the mechanisms of Palamecia, as she’s tied to the realm. The leader of this world is Vox, a being who manifests only as a voice. The first thing all Blanks remember before they wake in Palamecia is Vox telling them the rules of the realm. Incidentally, the crystals of the MFF world are teleportation crystals.
III. e) i. Devs’ Statements
Let’s review some of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration devs’ statements before diving into its story.
For both the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration and the Remake project, Kitase took on the role of producer while Nojima supervised the screenplay and wrote the scenario. The project leader was none other than the Remake trilogy’s Hamaguchi, who told a SE interviewer the following:

“We would love for you to play the [MFF x FFVII] collaboration event as you look forward to [Remake’s] release” (“Celebration of the Overseas Release of the Steam Version and FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE Collaboration Event”, Square Enix).

He later hints at the collaboration’s storyline:

“This collaboration is focused on Cloud, so the other characters will not make an appearance. Players will join Cloud, who has gone astray in Palamecia, on his adventures and see how the story unfolds based on his decisions. Content-wise, FINAL FANTASY VII fans will surely become fraught with emotion as events unfold in-game (laughs).”

Kitase concurs on the emotional aspect of the collaboration in the same interview:

“When it comes to the story, I seek two things– ‘mystery’ and ‘[…] emotional impact’.”

Clearly, fans of FFVII are supposed to react emotionally to the events of the collaboration. With these statements in mind to give us perspective, we can get into the plot points relevant to our analysis. MFF x FFVII Remake comes in two parts, the relevant plot points of which I will describe and analyze one at a time.
III. e) ii. Eclipse Contact
1) Fact-Finding
Part one of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration event is called Eclipse Contact. It came out in 2017 on Aerith’s birthday, February 7th, and its release campaign ran until March. In Eclipse Contact, Palamecia welcomes someone new: Cloud Strife appears in the realm with very little recollection of his core world of FFVII.
Cloud isn’t a Blank, since he recalls the mako reactors in Midgar upon his arrival in Palamecia, and also remembers that he was hired by Avalanche to blow them up:

“Echo: How did you end up in Palamecia?

Cloud: I… That day... I remember now. A job. I had taken a job. I was hired muscle protecting clients. They wanted to stop the reactor... We used a train to get past security... Was it at night? Something happened... Next thing I knew, I was floating through darkness. Then [I woke up here]”.

This piece of dialogue reveals that Eclipse Contact Cloud’s memories end at the very moment when Avalanche arrives at reactor 1 in OG (disk 1, chapter 1): the very beginning of the game. Consequently, Cloud does not remember anything that happened from the beginning of the OG timeline onwards.
Wol and Echo are intrigued by Cloud’s strange case: non-Blanks rarely arrive in Palamecia. The following text appears on the screen shortly after they meet:

“Perhaps he is not truly who he thinks he is.
Perhaps everything is illusory, a dream.
Only one thing is certain, that he must press on, one step at a time, toward the light that shines from the promised land.”

Just like he did in FFT’s Ivalice, Cloud feels the need to find the Promised Land in MFF x FFVII, despite the fact that he lacks memories of the OG timeline. Though Cloud doesn’t remember anything beyond the train ride to reactor 1, he does remember the Promised Land (at least somewhat). This is odd, given that in OG, Cloud didn’t learn about the Promised Land until several chapters into the game.
Wol and Echo agree to help Cloud figure out why he’s here, since there’s clearly something strange going on with his presence in Palamecia. In fact, Cloud brought Midgar’s mako reactors with him somehow, transplanting them onto the landscape of Palamecia. The group decides to bomb these reactors, following Cloud’s instincts in the hopes that it will jog his memory.
Now for my favorite part. After blowing up another reactor, the group is surprised by the appearance of a crystal. A piano rendition of Aerith’s theme begins. When Wol tries to touch the crystal, something akin to a force field rejects him. When Cloud approaches it, however, the crystal responds to his hand by flashing with light. As it begins to glow, Wol concludes that the crystal is linked to Cloud and Cloud alone. Let’s examine the resulting dialogue:

“Echo: This is the light in your memories. The light of home.

Cloud: Home? But I don’t—

Echo: If you don't remember… then your home is lost to you.

Cloud: Then my memories are gone.

Wol: Do you want to reclaim your past?

Cloud: Not interested... I am what I am now. Not what I was.

Wol: Then tell me… This light. If you can’t remember it, what does it mean to you?

Cloud: It's a warm light... I feel at peace. If this place —home— is as warm and peaceful as this light, then I want to go there.

Echo: You can't go there... Not back to the past.

Cloud: I see.

Echo: But even if you can't go back to the past, you can go forward. If you wish for it strongly enough, the crystal will show you the way. The way to a new world. The way to your Promised Land. […]

Cloud: So... Should [I] take [my] chances and make a wish to this crystal?

Wol: Go ahead. It’s your crystal.

Echo: I should warn you that once you start on this journey, there's no coming back.

Cloud: The past is the past. I want to go to a place where everything is new. I’m ready.“

What follows is a moment I call the wishing scene (13:43-14:34). Cloud closes his eyes and wishes on the crystal. It flashes, and suddenly, rainbow-colored ripples of light appear around it. Aerith’s theme is replaced by a slightly modified version of “Midgar, City of Mako”, the track that plays during the opening cutscene of Remake. You can recreate the modification by listening to “Midgar, City of Mako” from 2:00 to 2:23, then skipping to 3:00 and listening until 3:18. You may recognize the musical motif that kicks off the wishing scene as the Lifestream motif, which has become symbolic of the mysteries of the Remake trilogy, as it often plays during scenes where unexplainable plot deviations from OG occur— more specifically, deviations involving multiverse shenanigans. For instance, it plays during MOTF 4. It also plays in Rebirth after Cloud blocks masamune as Aerith is shown dying anyway.
Cloud disappears with his crystal, after which Echo speaks to Wol about Cloud’s journey:

“Echo: Each person gets the Promised Land they justly deserve, not the one they really need. If you’re a bad person, you go to a bad place. If you expect nothing, you get nothing. Even the journey there makes you look deep within yourself to find out who you really are. Cloud should be facing his own past as we speak. It’s cruel, but necessary. That battle was a long time coming”.

Apparently, at least in the context of this collaboration event, the Promised Land can be a reward or a punishment, depending on which you deserve. Echo explains that Cloud will have to face himself and his past on his way to his Promised Land. This means that the Cloud that appears in Eclipse Contact must next embark on a journey that will confront him with his past, test his mettle, and ultimately lead him to the Promised Land he justly deserves.
III. e) ii. 2) Fact Analysis
There’s a lot of vital information to dig into here, mostly provided by Echo. She claims that the crystal’s light is linked to Cloud’s memories of home; Cloud has to have known this home in the past, as it could not otherwise exist in his memories. MFF Cloud must be a post-OG Cloud. Unfortunately, Echo indicates that whatever Cloud’s home is, he’s lost both it and his memories of it. Despite this, Cloud describes his home as warm and peaceful, concluding that he wishes to find it. Though Cloud can’t return to the past, Echo tells him that if he wishes it strongly enough, the crystal can guide him toward a new world, where his home and his Promised Land exist in the future. The fact that Aerith’s theme is playing all throughout these descriptions of Cloud’s lost home, his Promised Land and the past that he can’t return to makes it extremely obvious that these concepts all point to Aerith. Aerith is Cloud’s lost home. Wherever Aerith is, that’s his Promised Land. The time spent with Aerith before her loss is the past he tragically can’t return to. You might have clocked the similarities between Eclipse Contact’s mention of Cloud’s lost home and DFF’s mention of Cloud’s lost dream: in both these titles, Cloud’s home and dream are equivalent to his Promised Land. It’s confirmed yet again that Aerith is the one Cloud hopes to return to, just like every soul returns to the Lifestream. At this juncture of my research, I was curious as to why the last thing Cloud remembers before waking in Palamecia is the run-up to the Reactor 1 bombing mission in OG (disk 1, chapter 1). This mystery will have to persist for a while longer.
The alarm bells in your head might’ve been triggered by the mention of the wishing scene’s rainbow ripple effects— and rightfully so. This visual cue has sparked passionate debate in the fandom since its appearances in Rebirth, as seen in these pictures:
Zack Choosing To Get A Cure For Cloud, Rebirth Chapter 14; Creating a New World/Timeline
Aerith Pushing Cloud Out of that World/Timeline, Remake Chapter 14
Cloud Blocking Masamune, Rebirth Chapter 14; Creating New World/Timeline
You might have read or heard that this rainbow effect signifies that a character has entered another timeline, created a portal to another timeline, created a new timeline or is being shown different timelines. Indeed, whenever the OG timeline is deviated from in a significant way, this effect appears. The pictures above present multiple examples of these shifting realities.
One might propose that the rainbow ripples in Eclipse Contact and Rebirth are unrelated because of the long period between their respective release dates. This long in-between period indeed makes it likelier that the effect was used without forethought in Eclipse Contact, forgotten over the years, and incidentally reused in Rebirth as a plot-important visual cue with no connection to Eclipse Contact. I’m inclined to disagree since the crystal is specifically described as a vessel that can take Cloud “to a new world” by Echo, which is a bit on the nose. Regardless, it’s plausible that there’s no connection. That is, it would be, if the rainbow effect didn’t show up in Remake too.
When the Whispers are finally defeated in chapter 18 of Remake, a burst of the rainbow ripple effects indicate the emergence of multiple worlds, newly freed from the restrictive clutches of fate (1:16:36-1:16:47). Shortly thereafter, Sephiroth takes Cloud to the Edge of Creation and invites him to join forces with him. Cloud refuses, and Sephiroth says the following:

“Seven seconds till the end. Time enough for you. Perhaps. But what will you do with it? Let's see.”

The question “What will you do with it?” implies that the answer is unknown, meaning Cloud is no longer bound to the OG timeline by fate: many alternate futures lay ahead. Sephiroth is telling Cloud and the audience that now, the mystery of the Remake trilogy has become “Which future will Cloud bring into existence? Which among the infinite possible timelines will his choices result in?” After pondering this aloud, Sephiroth leaves Cloud alone to consider the rainbow effects in the sky (1:19:23-1:19:36). Because they generally represent alternate or changing timelines, it’s safe to assume that the rainbow ripples here represent the myriad of possible worlds that Cloud’s actions in those seven seconds could generate. After all, Sephiroth was just talking about them, and chapter 18’s description in Remake reads as follows:

“In a world beyond, Sephiroth shows Cloud a vision of the planet seven seconds before its demise. Having strayed from the course destiny set for them, they strike out on a path towards an unknown future."

This explains why the player is shown Cloud staring at those colors in the apocalyptic sky at world’s end, directly after hearing Sephiroth’s cryptic words: those are all the alternate “unknown future” timelines ahead of him, now unravelled from fate. Amongst those rainbow ripples lies the answer to the question “What will you do with [the seven seconds]?”
Given that Remake was released in 2020 and Eclipse Contact came out in 2017, the major story elements of the Remake trilogy —including the eventuality of alternate timelines— had to have been planned out at the time of Eclipse Contact’s release: while the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration was being made, Remake was also in production. Also recall that the collaboration event and the Remake trilogy share a codirector in Hamaguchi, a writer in Nojima and a producer in Kitase. Based on all this, it’s more than likely that the rainbow ripples in the Remake trilogy and inEclipse Contact represent the very same thing: alternate worlds and timelines. All this to say that when the rainbow effect appears around the crystal in the Eclipse Contact, it means the crystal is acting as a vessel to another world, just like Echo said.
But that’s not all Echo said: she also mentioned that this other world would take Cloud to his home, to his Promised Land. We’ve already established what that means for Cloud, what it’s meant since two whole decades at the time of Eclipse Contact’s release: this crystal will take Cloud to Aerith. So, where exactly did the crystal take Cloud? In what world can he meet Aerith again?
The music that plays during the wishing scene gives us a huge hint. As I noted before, the track playing in the background is a slightly modified version of Remake’s “Midgar, City of Mako”, which plays in the introduction cutscene of Remake. This is a musical cue that the ending of Cloud’s journey in Eclipse Contact and the very beginning of the Remake trilogy are closely related. Add the fact that the devs wanted players to experience this collaboration event before playing Remake, and it becomes undeniable: the crystal that appeared to Cloud in Palamecia —which offers to lead him to his home and Promised Land, meaning to Aerith—, took him to the world of the Remaketrilogy.
Eclipse Contact is huge. The whole crux of my theory lives and dies right here. However, we still have part two of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration event to analyze as well as its promotions to look into before I can drop the thesis on you, so bear with me in order to receive the most thorough analysis of all this possible! I want to give you every drop of proof I can!
III. e) ii. MFF x FFVII Remake Fatal Calling
1) Fact-Finding
Fatal Calling came out February 1 of 2018, and its release campaign ended in March. The game opens with a cutscene: Cloud is floating, seemingly unconscious, through a sparkling, green current of light. The current flows into a circle of bright, white light, surrounded by rainbow ripple effects as Cloud is driven toward and into it. An orb floats along with him. The Advent Children theme “The Promised Land” plays, a choir of mournful, aching, mutedly desperate souls engaged in a lamenting prayer. Sephiroth’s voice echoes:

“Sephiroth: It’s time. You may turn your back on the past, lock your memories away. Hide reality beneath a layer of illusion. But destiny will not die so easily. Yes. At memory’s end you may plead for it all to go away. But the past is a curse, binding your soul. It’s time. Wake to your fate. Rise to your destiny.

Cloud: (In a half-conscious grunt) Reunion…

Sephiroth: The light will lead you. Wake to your fate. Rise!”

Sephiroth’s mentions of Cloud hiding under an illusion and repressing his memories are no doubt allusions to Cloud’s past, which was complicated and darkened by Hojo’s experiments. It makes sense, then, that Cloud responds with “Reunion”. Fatal Calling indeed focuses on Cloud’s relationship to his past, his identity and Sephiroth. Everything involving Nibelheim —where everything started—, Sephiroth’s manipulation, and Hojo’s experiments are on the table. Also noteworthy if not out of place is Sephiroth’s evocation of fate.
Cloud enters a battle with Sephiroth with the help of Wol and Echo, who are surprised to see him back in Palamecia. Cloud tells them about the orb seen floating along with him in the opening cutscene: though he calls it a materia, he doesn’t know how or when he acquired it. Based on his behavior, it appears that Cloud remembers just as little about the events of OG as he did by the end of Eclipse Contact. Wol informs Cloud that whoever he heard speaking to him on his way here was probably Vox pretending to be Sephiroth.
As the group advances, Cloud recalls Midgar and decides they should go there next. At one of Midgar’s mako reactors, the group encounters Sephiroth, who speaks to himself:

“It's still not enough. This... this is but a pale imitation of the power I desire.”

Once Sephiroth has disappeared, Cloud explains what he remembers: Sephiroth was the greatest SOLDIER of all and a hero to Cloud, though Cloud can’t remember what exactly ended this admiration. As players of FFVII OG, we know the event in question is the Nibelheim incident, wherein Sephiroth slaughtered the town’s residents, including Cloud’s mother, after learning of his past. The former war hero also severely injured Tifa, whom Cloud presumed dead when he found her in the old mako reactor with a vicious slash on her chest. Cloud is agitated by the gaps in his memory, so the group resolves to follow Sephiroth for answers. When they find him again, Sephiroth causes Cloud to experience a piercing headache with the mere mention of the Reunion. They fight, but Sephiroth is too powerful— he skewers Cloud with the masamune and taunts his unconscious body:

“Sephiroth: A puppet. I won’t kill you. Not yet. Not until you know true despair.
Wol: If you want despair, we got plenty to go around. Palamecia’s full of it.
Sephiroth: Yes, this planet knows suffering. But it is not the world that was promised to me. I must go home. Tell Cloud, if he wants to see me again, he should face his memories. I will await him there, in the land of memory, where it all began. In Nibelheim.”

Sephiroth darkens Cloud’s materia, turning it black. Later, Wol explains to Cloud that Sephiroth stole the light from his materia, taking Cloud’s strength along with it.
Once Cloud has woken up, the group travels to Nibelheim to uncover the truth about Cloud’s memories. Cloud slowly gathers pieces of his past, shown to the player as titled, diary-like text written from various perspectives. Cloud learns the truth about SOLDIER, Jenova cells, Sephiroth, and what happened in Nibelheim. Let’s examine a few of these diary entries:

“A Warrior’s Tale: There's a girl in Nibelheim I think about. Warm. Cheerful. More grown-up than a child. Haven't talked to her much, but she seems nice. She's going to be leading the SOLDIERs to the mountain reactor. Maybe if I get into the survey team I'll get a chance to talk to her? Nah. She's out of my league.”

Young Cloud’s crush on Tifa is on full display! This must be a memory from his time as an infantryman accompanying Zack and Sephiroth to Nibelheim.

“Tale of the Nameless: I drift along in the mako, asleep. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Give me a number. I… I… I am… The Reunion. The Reunion must happen.”

This entry could be taken from any one of the Nibelheim survivors’ perspectives, as they were all bathed in mako and turned into Sephiroth clones. I would venture to say this is Cloud’s perspective though, given the reference to this iconic line from OG:

“Cloud: Professor... please give me a number. Please, Professor...
Hojo: Shut up, miserable failure.” (disk 2, chapter 2).

The trio encounters Sephiroth near the old Mt. Nibel mako reactor. Because Sephiroth stole the light from his materia earlier, Cloud goes into the confrontation already drained of his strength. However, when Cloud lifts the materia in his hand, it lights up and creates rainbow ripples in the air around him, similar to those seen in Eclipse Contact and Rebirth. Cloud is healed of his injuries: he closes his eyes for a moment, wearing a peaceful expression. Sephiroth is displeased, but recovers quickly:

“Sephiroth: The guiding light… it healed you.

Wol: […] here, near the mako reactor, the materia regained its light. And your strength returned […]. [Sephiroth]’s here so he can steal the power you've stored inside that materia.

Sephiroth, with a short laugh: I have all the power I need. Cloud. What strength you’ve regained is yours. Use it to fight me. It’s time. Let’s decide this, in this land lost to despair. The prize is home. The Promised Land. There to answer the call of destiny.”

With this second evocation of fate, Sephiroth disappears.
Cloud, Wol and Echo find Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. He mocks Cloud for believing the orb in his possession is materia. Sephiroth waves a hand and his signature black and purple fog surrounds Cloud, immobilizing him. Sephiroth claims that the power Cloud regained at the Mt. Nibel reactor was Sephiroth’s all along. Now that it courses through Cloud’s veins, Sephiroth controls him. He calls Cloud his puppet and finishes with the following before the two vanish, leaving Wol and Echo alone:

“Now, let us return. Back to the Promised Land. The time of the Reunion has come.”

After Cloud finally breaks free and defeats Sephiroth with the help of Wol and Echo, the villain makes a final threat:

“Very good, Cloud. You’ve destroyed an illusion. But the time will come to abandon your illusions and face reality. Then, you will know true pain.”

Sephiroth disappears for the last time, his body surrounded by his signature dark fog and the rainbow ripples. A piano rendition of Tifa’s theme begins. Cloud’s orb rises into the air and becomes a crystal, with the same shape and glow as the one we see in Eclipse Contact. The following dialogue is illuminating:

“Cloud: I will fight. The light will lead me where I need to go.

Wol: You sure? Wasn’t that [crystal] Sephiroth’s?

Cloud: I heard Sephiroth's voice, at the end. Inside me. Whatever he put in me, it’s still in there. Someday I’ll settle that score. If I can't avoid destiny, I might as well face it head-on.

Wol: Yeah. That was quite a speech, Cloud. Surprised you made it through without laughing.

Cloud: Yeah, forget I said it. I will too.

Echo: Forgetting won’t make it go away. Even if the words fade from memory, your dream will never disappear. Not until it becomes real.“

The crystal shines as though in response.

“Echo: See? See, that's how the light of hope works. Hope can turn your dreams into reality.

Cloud: Yeah. I guess so. I might forget this world, but I won’t forget hope. And my reality, that’s for me to live.”

Tifa’s theme ends. Cloud approaches the crystal, and disappears in a beam of blinding light. Once Cloud has vanished with the crystal, Aerith’s theme begins playing. A few pale feathers with a slight orange tint (the color of MFF) float down onto the floor where he stood seconds before. The image fades to black. The credits roll, and Aerith’s theme continues all the way through.
Once both the final name in the credits and Aerith’s theme fade, we’re surprised by a sudden, troubling image: Sephiroth appears in a frightening flash, standing amidst the flames of Nibelheim. When his image fades to black, the collaboration title *“Final Fantasy VII x Mobius Final Fantasy”*appears on the screen. The FFVII title is surrounded by the 1997 meteor logo. Then, a flash of light: the titles reappear, except this time, they read “Final Fantasy VII REMAKE x Mobius Final Fantasy”. The new Remake Meteor logo replaces the 1997 version. As soon as these changes to the FFVIItitle and meteor logo occur, Aerith’s theme returns. It plays on until the game ends a few seconds later, the screen fading to black.
III. e) ii. 2) Fact Analysis
The introduction cutscene shows that MFF Cloud travelled from Eclipse Contact to Fatal Calling via Lifestream. It’s unclear how much time has passed in between, but the atemporal nature of the Lifestream makes the question irrelevant. My theory that MFF Cloud has died is corroborated by the way he’s depicted in the opening cutscene: his eyes are closed and his body is limp as the Lifestream carries him.
Eclipse Contact ended with Echo’s claim that Cloud will face his true self and confront his past while he journeys to his Promised Land. This description resembles what Cloud experienced in the OG Lifestream sequence (disk 2, chapter 8). Indeed, Fatal Calling revolves around the same topics the Lifestream sequence addresses: the truth about the Nibelheim incident, Hojo’s experiments, young Cloud’s crush on Tifa, etc. The opening cutscene shows Cloud being transported to his Promised Land and facing his past on the way there, just like Echo said he would.
Let’s now take a long detour to examine the song that plays during the opening cutscene of Fatal Calling: “The Promised Land” theme from Advent Children. The title and general subject of this song are obviously relevant to the cutscene, but there must be more to its inclusion than that. Perhaps the lyrics can help us understand its appearance in the opening cutscene of Fatal Calling. Here are the unofficial English lyrics (translated from the original Japanese lyrics by an anonymous fan and verified by me via DeepL):

“Why do we cling together?
Why do we give punishment to lesser hearts?
The planet did not forgive us
Did not forgive us
The planet did not forgive us
Did not forgive us
The pulse of veins flows through the earth
A faint, faint pulse
Of a heart drawn to death
A gentle life returns to the planet
Is it necessary to sacrifice souls?
Why do we cling together?
Why do we beg for forgiveness
In the Promised Land?” (“‘The Promised Land’ (theme)” by Final Fantasy Wiki).

The song appears to be a regretful lament of human behavior, expressed by the repetition of “Why do we […]?” questions. The behaviors listed are all typically human ones: the terms “[clinging] together” and “[giving] punishment to [the] lesser” express the uniquely human nature of tribalism and the consequences of the fear and hatred it can generate, and “[begging] for forgiveness in the Promised Land” is likely a reference to the human hypocrisy of only feeling sorry for one’s crimes when judgement day arrives. This last line describes a scenario where someone remains passive or ignorant in the face of something important, only to realize its essentiality once it’s too late. The repeated“The planet did not forgive us” lines reflect the fear of being condemned forever because of one’s mistakes, as though the planet is a deity one has sinned against. The lyric describing a pulse in the earth is obviously about the planet being alive— a reference to the Lifestream. But the pulse is faint and weak and the planet is dying, perishing because of mankind’s greed. This is an indictment of mako energy. The line “A gentle life returns to the planet” refers to an innocent’s soul returning to the Lifestream after death, while the next lyric “Is it necessary to sacrifice souls?” protests the “sacrifice” of the planet’s soul energy for mako production. In all this darkness, this song’s mention of “forgiveness in the Promised Land” leaves a modicum of hope for a better place, however meek, even though mankind might not deserve it. The song “The Promised Land” is both a lament of mankind’s ways and a plea for mercy, with religious and/or spiritual undertones. The song’s themes seem to be: the Promised Land itself, regret and shame, the sins and foolishness of mankind, the death of innocents, grief, Cetra spirituality, and a meek, quiet hope despite it all. The most interesting aspect of the song is its antithetical portrayal of death as a thing of both despair and hope, condemnation and salvation, cruelty and mercy, suffering and relief. Maybe we can glean more information about this theme’s significance in the world of FFVII if we examine the contexts in which it appears.
Importantly, the song plays in Marlene’s introductory narration of Advent Children, meaning its themes are related or similar to the film’s. I highly recommend listening and watching it again, even if you remember this iconic segment. Marlene references Aerith’s sacrifice as the image of Cloud lowering her into the water is shown. Note that Marlene says “Sadness was the price to see it end” (2:36) after we are shown Aerith’s death and her subsequent unleashing of the Lifestream (1:49-2:24): Aerith’s innocent life was sacrificed for the planet’s survival. The lyrics “A gentle life returns to the planet” and “Is it necessary to sacrifice souls?” suit Aerith’s situation quite well.
The theme also plays in Advent Children as Kadaj dies in Cloud’s arms (1:45:00-1:47:55), hearing Aerith’s gentle voice and reaching up to take her invisible hand. Here is what Aerith says to him in his dying moments as “The Promised Land” plays:

“Aerith’s voice: Kadaj?
Kadaj: Huh?
The dark sky has gone with Sephiroth. Healing rain starts falling from bright clouds. The rain no longer hurts Kadaj.
Aerith’s voice: You don’t have to hang on any longer.
Kadaj: Mother! Is that…?
Aerith’s voice: Everyone’s waiting, if you’re ready.
Kadaj nods his head slightly in acceptance. He holds out his hand, and slowly evaporates into the Lifestream. Cloud watches […]” (Advent Children).

Kadaj is brought into the Lifestream by Aerith as she provides rain from the Lifestream. All those with geostigma are healed by the rain, and Tifa feels Aerith’s presence as the party celebrates:

“Tifa, looking out at the falling rain […]: Somehow, I knew you were there. Thank you” (Advent Children).

Cloud stands in the rain with a smile —his first in the whole film—, closes his eyes and basks in Aerith’s healing with his face upturned. He is finally at peace:

“Cloud’s expression is one of peace as the [Lifestream] rain patters against him” (Final Fantasy VII Advent Children English script, “[83] Atop the Shinra Building”).

One thing is clear: the track “The Promised Land” accompanies Aerith. It only makes sense, since we’ve seen overwhelming evidence that she is Cloud’s Promised Land, and since she occupies the Lifestream —which some consider the Promised Land as it is where souls go after death— during the events of Advent Children. Note that when the piece plays, Cloud is shown either mourning Aerith and releasing her into the river at the Cetra capital, or basking in her presence, smiling with relief at the peaceful feeling that she’s somewhere near: these two opposing scenes reflect the song’s antithetical portrayal of death.
Additionally, the song’s themes of regret, shame concerning one’s sins and a small hope perfectly describe Cloud’s character arc and feelings in Advent Children. Cloud regrets his inability to save Aerith, which he considers a sin. Further, he only realized how important she is to him once it was too late to tell her. And of course, he harbors a fragile yet important hope that he’ll be reunited with her in the Promised Land:

“‘Can sins ever be forgiven?’ — Cloud asks this to Vincent, who mutters a brief answer. For both of them, ‘I couldn't protect my loved one’ is the sense of guilt that they carry, so their words resonate with weight” (FFVII 10th Anniversary Ultimania Revised Edition, “Chapter 2: Character in FFVIIWorld”, “Vincent Valentine”, “In Advent Children”, page 72).

&

"’It is my sin that I couldn't protect my loved one’ — under this assumption, Cloud closes off his heart. What will the reunion with Aerith bring him? ‘I... think I want to be forgiven. Yeah, I just want to be forgiven’” (FFVII 10th Anniversary Ultimania Revised Edition, “Chapter 2: Character in FFVIIWorld”, “Cloud Strife”, “In Advent Children”, page 40).

&

“Cloud, after seeing Aerith’s hand reach for him through the Lifestream: … I think I'm beginning to understand.
Tifa: What?

Cloud: An answer from the Planet… the Promised Land... I think I can meet her... there” (disk 3, chapter 3).

Just as the song and Marlene express in the introduction of the film, Aerith was innocent, and her sacrifice generated great grief. Cloud finally experiences peace when he feels her presence in the healing rain, and he smiles: he’s glad to be with her again, even if it’s only for a brief moment of tangential respite.
The scene depicts Aerith guiding Kadaj into the Lifestream as the song plays, tying her to the concept and theme song of the Promised Land once more. This connection is later solidified by Tifa’s thanks to the late flower girl. All of this evidence shows us that this musical theme is intimately linked to Aerith, as it never plays in her absence. After all, the song speaks of sins, the death of innocents, forgiveness, grief, a small sense of hope, regret and the afterlife: all themes relevant to Cloud’s feelings surrounding Aerith’s death in and outside of Advent Children.
The Remake OST also includes a version of this piece called “The Promised Land - Cycle of Life”. This iteration of the theme begins playing in the wake of the first bombing mission, right after Sephiroth taunts Cloud with his mother’s dying words in Sector 8 (chapter 2). Sephiroth appears to Cloud surrounded by flames, evoking the Nibelheim massacre, and the theme begins playing in the background once he disappears, continuing (13:17-15:30) as Cloud walks through the sector, encountering fires and destruction all around him. This version of the Promised Land theme is meant to emphasize the deaths of the innocent Nibelheim townsfolk and the innocents in Sector 8. This dreadful atmosphere is amplified by the cries of despair that ring all around as Cloud passes by NPC Sector 8 residents. Perhaps the themes of tribalism and mankind’s sin are relevant to this scene as well, since Shinra and Avalanche are two distinct and warring groups whose quarrels, regardless of their necessity, result in the deaths of innocents. The theme of guilt also emerges, reflecting the Avalanche members’ feelings upon seeing the unintended collateral damage of the explosion. “The Promised Land - Cycle of Life” plays until Cloud encounters Aerith on Loveless. So it seems in this scenario, the heavy weight of death and despair is lifted when Cloud meets the lively, cheery Aerith. Once more, Aerith is central to the musical theme of the Promised Land, as well as to the concept itself.
I also noticed that a version of the song plays as Cloud and the party ready to enter the Forgotten Capital to save Aerith in Rebirth’s chapter 14: it truly adds the weight of her upcoming death to the scene.
Back to Fatal Calling, the scene where Cloud regains his strength is quite mysterious. Wol says Cloud’s orb regained its “guiding light” light because of its proximity to the mako reactor. In the moment his strength is replenished, Cloud is shown tilting his head back and closing his eyes: this is reminiscent of the scene in Advent Children when he stands under Aerith’s healing Lifestream rain, feeling at peace. The rainbow ripples shining from the orb indicate that something is crossing the boundaries of worlds. Since the mako reactor pumps up the Lifestream, being near a reactor also means being physically near the Lifestream. This means Aerith’s spirit is within proximity. In my opinion, Aerith was able to heal Cloud from the Lifestream, just like in Advent Children. However, Aerith is not in Palamecia with him: her healing had to travel there through the Lifestream, transcending the boundaries of worlds, hence the rainbow ripples.
Let’s now address the appearance of Tifa’s character theme in Fatal Calling. Since Fatal Calling is all about discovering Cloud’s past in Nibelheim and then in Hojo’s lab, it makes lots of sense for Tifa’s theme to play as the crystal appears. In OG’s Lifestream sequence (disk 2 chapter 8), she’s the one there helping Cloud sort through his past instead of Wol and Echo. Cloud even picks up a piece of his childhood crush on Tifa in Fatal Calling as a shard of his memory. After all, this crush was the catalyst for him joining SOLDIER, and everything that transpired in consequence:

“Cloud: That was the first time I heard about Sephiroth. If I got strong like Sephiroth, then everyone might... If I could just get stronger... Then even Tifa would have to notice me” (FFVII OG, disk 2, chapter 8).

Additionally, it’s fitting that her theme should begin right after Sephiroth speaks of “[abandoning] your illusions and [facing] reality”, considering that Cloud’s false persona was concocted by Jenova using Tifa’s mistaken impressions of Cloud:

“While being tended to by a station worker in the Sector 7 Slum train station, [Cloud] was reunited with Tifa, and using the abilities of Jenova’s cells, formed a new personality” (FFVII 10th Anniversary Ultimania Revised Edition, “Chapter 2: Character in FFVII World, “Cloud Strife”, “Cloud Behavior Record, Compilation of FFVII”, page 40).

&

“(Image caption:) A new personality takes shape the moment he sees Tifa” (FFVII Story Playback, “Story Check: Tifa’s Flashback”).

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“Tifa (to Cloud): Deep down, you're a pretty nice guy. Didn't see it when we were kids, but...” (Remake, chapter 14).

Hello! 31F / 61kg / 173cm / BF% ~19% (based in UK/Irish) Doxycycline for skin (~2 ISH years daily or every other day)
I've struggled with constipation my whole life since I was a child. I've tried cutting out different foods, and I have found a good balance now but I still go through periods of bad digestion. My parents said even as a baby I always did embarrassingly large deposits. I noticed recently I was shocked by how much waste I produced.
I am like a poop nerd (as an indicator of my health not in a gross way before the scat people DM me lol) and I try to have the S shaped poop from the Bristolian poop chart lol
I drink fuck tons of water, I have increased fibre intake, I eat a lot of collagen and I try to hit about 60ish g of protein a day, mostly in chicken but I do consume protein powders to and they are the most processed foods i eat. I have increased more variety in my diet in fruit and veggies. I don't eat a lot of dairy (just kefir or goats cheese ). Take my multivitamin (which has literally everything in it -thank you source of life gold- and probiotics)
The changes to my diet are so noticeable that I can notice how my digestion slows down as I'm in my luteal and menstrual phase and adopt my diet to accommodate for this (increasing liquids, eating more magnesium and fibre rich foods that are easy to digest). I used to struggle a lot with PMSDD symptoms so bad, but from changes to my diet and exercise, I've managed to have several cycles where I had no PMS symptoms and my period was only 2-3 days.
But my poop still varies. Sometimes it's the S shaped, sometimes it's more dense.
However, lately I have noticed that I can feel when food is transiting my intestines and gut, and like the only way i can describe the sensation is like, as it's (from my estimated opinion) exiting one intestine to the other, or perhaps to the colon itself, on my lower left flank of my abdomen, I feel the heavy dense "drop" and I've only been notice this, probably in the last year.
It just feels extra "dense" and like there's a "thud" when it passes (internally) and I'm not in pain, but is this normal?
I'm just a lil worried because of my history with digestive issues, I'm like...should I be concerned about this?
Like it just happened now and I'm curious because, like I have literally drank about 10Litres of water (it's feels like, most likely about ..3-4 over the last 24 hours), and I've have a lot of liquid foods (had beef both broth and miso soup for lunch, raspberries, hot choco, the most dense food I ate was my dinner where I made a spinach pancake using 3 eggs and half a bag of spinach served with smoked salmon and goats cheese with cherry tomatoes and sauerkraut). This "thud" sensation feels like my pooped is going to be very dense but like, I literally drank so much fluids and have eaten lots of fibre that I can't understand what could cause it to feel that way?
Another thing to add, I potentially, maybe have Elhers Danlos Syndrome, and I have to get a confirmation diagnosis and lastly I do suffer with extreme fatigue, especially around my period. It's gotten better as I regularly work out, but I have had issues with fatigue and mental fog.
So ... Are these normal bowel movements or a sign of something more serious?
Thanks in advance!

Hello all Sunday of course on Mother’s Day I started having severe side pain in my life side. To the point where I was going to faint. My daughter had just fallen asleep so I toughed it out for the night and tried to sleep that night but all night I was shaking and jerking in my sleep my fiancé even took videos for the doctors office. I ended up going to the ER Monday morning. The doctor did lab work said everything looks fine your good. My grandmother who was there with me demanded a CT scan. Doctor at ER literally rolled her eyes mean while she never prescribed any pain meds which whatever I was more concerned for the root cause she was all smiles giving someone Nextdoor Vicodin. Get the CT scan back and said I had a 4cm cyst on my right ovary which for that ovary was pretty much the size it. Next was the dilated left ovary vein. I really have never heard of pelvic congestion syndrome. I went home did more research and decided I was going to follow up with my PCP who said my stomach pains was probably caused by a biological medication I take for a skin condition called humira I was frustrated at this point but she offered an ultrasound. My maternal grandmother different from the one who went to the er with me works for this office. The ultrasound showed the cyst was filled with blood and I was getting blood flow where that vein was. The doctor didn’t call me but my grandmother did with my Results. I’m frustrated as I have always had issues with my periods being abnormal, heavy, and extremely painful. Nobody ever took me serious….and I’m still having a hard time. Any helpful tips/meds you are taking would be greatly appreciated or even someone who could explain in further detail. Do I see an OBGYN for this issue? My finance and I were talking about going where he goes for his liver issues which is 2 hours away and they have a great hospital and doctors.

There is a general consensus on main points of the uber-killer one shot kill blood golemancer (Army of the Dead, Shadowblight passive, Blood Golem), but not so much on a general build. There are a lot of variations out there by different content creators, I want to kind of discuss the pros and cons and gather my thoughts on how to shape a minion necro that can still kill uber bosses relatively quickly without hampering the ability to speedfarm gear or push pit levels.
I'm not going to get in to the nitty gritty details about exact paragon placement and such, but more a high level overview of different takes on the Minionmancer.

Sources

• Mega Minion Guide
  • Seetod's Summoner
  • Bactyrael's Thorns Golemancer
• Kripp's Bone Golemancer - Youtube
• Rob's Golemless Minionmancer - Youtube
• Maxroll's Shadow Minionmancer - Youtube
  • Wudi's Variant - Youtube

Considerations

Attack Speed
According to the Mega Minion Guide, there are two buckets that can individually reach separate caps of 100%.

• The first bucket
  • Cult Leader board will almost always provide 10%, as it's on the way to a key legendary node
  • In contrast, the 5% on the Flesh Eater board is kind of out of the way and is likely not worth the 8-ish points required to unlock
  • The 25% on Hulking Monstrosity board can replace a gear roll, but that ONLY applies to Golem attack speed so is only relevant if you're focused on stacking golem damage over mage damage. The golem attack speed nodes are also pretty far away from the glyph slot and legendary node.
  • The rest (65 or 90%) must come from gear. Kalan's Edict key passive can effectively replace 2 gear rolls allowing us to focus masterworking stats on crit and int instead.
• The Second Bucket
  • There is no reasonable way to reach 100% here
  • Rapid and Rathma's Chosen aspects do not apply as minions don't have "basic attacks" and we're not casting overpowered blood skills
  • Enhanced Reap can give 30%, though won't help with single target fights
  • For Accelerating aspect Blight is the only Core skill we may be casting, but we won't be spamming it so it's probably not worth using it over other aspects for 10%
  • Frenzied Dead aspect is going to be an auto-include as it's an extra 45% with almost no restriction

Cooldown Acceleration
We have a few reliable ways of cheating out lower cooldowns

• Blood Orbs
  • Requires sacrificing a ring slot for the Fastblood Aspect and a defensive slot for the Embalmer Aspect
  • Not very many reliable ways to get Blood Orbs, need to run Blighted Corpse Tendrils and/or Hemorrhage basic skill alongside Embalmer
• Reaper Upgrade 1
  • More consistent on bosses and doesn't require two aspects.
  • We won't be able to rely on the other Skeletal Warrior paths to taunt or generate corpses
• Abhorrent Decrepify
  • We don't really want to focus our stats on lucky hit, this can supplement but shouldn't be relied on

Corpse Generation
When farming, corpses will be plentiful from random trash. When fighting bosses where are our corpses going to come from?

• Sever and Decompose basic skills both make corpses. Sever is slower (1 per 4s), but Decomposition (1 per 1s) requires channeling.
• Hulking Aspect spawns corpses on Golem attacks, good pick for a utility aspect
• Bone Golem Upgrade 1 makes 5 corpses on command, but this is a bit painful as many of the various golem upgrades have really good effects
• Army of the Dead is a long cooldown, but generates tons of corpses. Corpses will have to come from trash mobs between bosses. Taking this means losing Bonestorm.
• Reaper Upgrade 2 has pretty nice corpse generation, but would lose out on the lowered cooldowns from upgrade 1

Vulnerable Application

• Decompose basic skill is a reliable way to make the target vulnerable though channeled skills are a pain to use. Would lose out on Sever's attack speed boost in non-boss situations.
• Bone Golem Upgrade 2 applies vulnerable and does pretty decent damage to boot
• Plagued Corpse Tendrils isn't a bad utility option on top of grouping mobs together, but it does have a lengthy cooldown and requires a corpse
• Cold Mage Upgrade 2 is essentially permanent vulnerable, but losing the shadow damage limits our other options severely.
• Bone Prison This is probably only reasonable for the uber-killer one shot variant. Need to pair with Plunging Darkness Aspect

Ultimate Skill

• Army of the Dead
  • Very spiky gameplay going through peaks and valleys of damage.
  • This skill wants to stay unused until you reach a difficult encounter (especially a single target fight). Using this will then end that fight in moments
  • More damage than Bonestorm
• Bonestorm
  • Very reliable, best to use as often as possible
  • More triggers for Shadowblight key passive when paired with Ultimate Shadow Aspect
  • Much more defensive option compared to AotD (natural 15% DR and Shielding Storm Aspect can give barrier generation)

Key Passive

• Kalan's Edict gives a good chunk of Attack Speed, but is only equivalent to 1-2 gear slots worth after masterworking
• Shadowblight does amazing damage paired with Blighted Aspect, but you need enough shadow damage sources to keep it rolling

Support Skills
We have 2 skill slots left after Skeleton, Golem, Generator, and Ultimate. Maybe 3 if we decide to run without a generator.

• Blight (or Bone Prison+Plunging Darkness Aspect) This is almost an auto-include. It gives extra minion damage, plus is an excellent source of shadow damage ticks for Shadowblight.
• Decrepify is a pure survivability option. Very good at reducing incoming damage and is especially useful for pit pushing.
• Corpse Tendrils groups up mobs and can apply vulnerable or generate blood orbs, but this has a cooldown and will consume cooldown acceleration effects making your ultimate take longer to come up.
• (Blighted) Corpse Explosion is purely for more Shadowblight triggers

Book of the Dead

• Warriors
  • Both Reaper options are good. Taunting defenders are great for thorns builds. Skirmishers are bad.
• Mages
  • Shadowblight is such a crucial part of the build that going anything other than one of the two shadow variants seems like the wrong choice. Upgrade 1 is great for Golem focused builds, Upgrade 2 is (slightly) better for mage focused builds. Cold Mages with Upgrade 2 is viable if not running Shadowblight
• Golem (needs more verification on different golem attack speeds)
  • Bone Golem attacks quickly and does surprisingly good damage on top of taunting. Upgrade 2 seems to be the better option but an argument could be made for Upgrade 1 for builds lacking corpse generation and for fueling the Corpse-Eater legendary paragon node
  • Blood Golem Upgrade 1 is a massive amount of DR, with how rare it is now might be worth it in high pit levels. Upgrade 2 is for silly numbers and stacking pure golem damage to the detriment of minions. He attacks slower than the Bone Golem so the difference is not as large as it may appear.
  • Iron Golem Upgrade 1 may provide more damage than the Bone Golem, but loses the Vulnerability or Corpse generation utility.

2h vs 1h
Minions used to just take the weapon damage, so going big 2H scythe was the way to go. Now they also base their attack speed on the weapon speed so the DPS is equalized across all weapon types (verification needed)

• 2H (Scythe) is great for double dipping damage from the most valuable Aspect (usually Blighted)
• 1H (Wand) allows for faster minion attacks, which means more triggers for things like Hulking Aspect and Iron Golem Upgrade 1 which trigger base off of attacks NOT lucky hit. Allows for an additional aspect. Also necro offhands come with an implicit Cooldown reduction which is nice to have.

Aspects

• Offensive
  • Required:
    • Blighted - Shadowblight builds only, good option for the neck or 2H slot for the bonus
    • Frenzied Dead - Massive attack speed boost that does NOT compete with the attack speed cap from gear (verification needed)
    • Reanimation - Huge damage boost, good option for the neck or 2H slot for the bonus
    • Ultimate Shadow - Bonestorm builds only
    • Unyielding Commander's - Army of the Dead builds only
    • Needleflare - Thorns builds only
  • Situational:
    • Plunging Darkness - Bone Prison tech choice only
    • Conceited - Bonestorm builds only, also requires Shielding Storm aspect
    • Inner Calm - An OK choice but nothing amazing, better with Decompose basic skill since you're standing still to channel anyway
• Defensive
  • Required:
    • Hardened Bones - DR is so rare, each point is precious
    • Embalmer - Blood Orb builds only
  • Situational:
    • Shielding Storm - Bonestorm builds only
    • Might - Decent pick if you have nothing better
• Utility
  • Required:
    • Blood Getter's - This is double dips back to your minions!
    • Hulking Aspect - Decent way to get corpses and get your Golem skill off cooldown
    • Occult Dominion - More minions! Put this on the neck if you don't put blighted or reanimation there.
  • Situational:
    • Aphotic - An OK source of Shadow damage for Shadowblight if lacking otherwise
• Mobility/Resource
  • Required:
    • Fastblood - Blood Orb builds only
  • Situational:

Uniques?

• Ring of the Sacrilegious Soul can be a nice quality of life for farming. It also makes it so you can "cast" corpse tendrils without ever putting it on cooldown, meaning it won't eat your cooldown acceleration effects.
• Blood Moon Breeches lets you get some juicy curse effects without taking up a spot on the skill bar, massive extra source of DR as well.
• Razorplate mandatory for thorns builds.

Conclusions

With all that said, where does that leave us with regards to a general minionmancer?

• Kalan's Edict seems underpowered compared to Shadowblight. Maybe early game before you have attack speed rolls on gear, but after that Shadowblight seems like a clear winner. That also means we should probably avoid variations with cold or bone mages.
• Reapers seem like the winner of the melee skeleton options. Upgrade 1 seems especially hard to pass up. Corpse generation can come from elsewhere.
• Golems feel very well balanced to me. Any selection seems reasonable, no golem provides an irreplaceable effect or stands head and shoulders above the others.
• There are an unusually large number of Utility aspects which we want. This makes me lean away from using Blood Orbs as a method for reducing cooldown as it's really hard to fit in the two required aspects.
• 2H builds feel better when paired with AotD style of gameplay as they're both focused on spikes of damage. This is might just be a me thing.
• Some sample variants: https://maxroll.gg/d4/planne8fokq02s#1

I will try to keep this short. I have a kind of love/hate relationship with my ex. Our relationship ended decades ago, and for a while we didn't really talk, but after a few years were able to be friends. Until a few months ago, we saw each other every day, and would help each other out, as we kind of needed each other. We both moved abroad when we were young (separately, we met here) and have no family in our current country.
While I kind of "needed" him, and he me, I would drive me nuts. He couldn't open his mouth without annoying me. Our personalities are very different, hence why our relationship ended after 6 years. We would be driving along, and he would be going on about whatever, and I would just say hmmm at intervals, while in my head I would be screaming at him, "Just shut up! WTF can't you just shut up! Stop talking rubbish!" etc, but always along the lines of stop talking, and just shut up. I often actually said it, but it made no difference. While I was screaming at him in my head, I had an intense feeling of irritation, so strong, it was also a physical feeling, filling up my entire chest/stomach area.
Anyway, long story short, at the end of Feb he got a fever, and cold/flu symptoms. He was in bed, and I was going to his place to do his chores, make him food etc, which sounds nice of me, but I really resented having to go. The cold then developed into what he thought was gout, then his shoulders became very painful. After a week of him getting into bed with the cold/flu, I called an ambulance. He was taken to hospital and ended up in Intensive Care on life support for 20 days. His body had gone into sceptic shock. They do not know what caused it. He was in an induced coma and almost died several times. After about 5 weeks, he was moved out of Intensive, to a floor for critical/semi critical patients. He was awake more now, but could not talk because of a tracheostomy tube. They wanted to take it out about 10 days ago, but found he had a throat infection, which had given him nodules, and had to wait for them to go. So the last week, he was communicating by nodding, shaking his head, and writing on a pad.
Two days ago, he had the tube removed, and could finally talk again. Needless to say, not for the first time during these last few months, I was crying with happiness just to hear his voice. I won't go into how hard the last few months have been for me trying to cope with my own stuff, his, every other day hospital visits (45 miles away), and taking care of both of our animals etc.
A few days ago, it struck me that I had manifested this situation. I had wished very strongly that he would just shut up, and it happened. Of course, the way it happened is not what I wanted, I h¡just wanted him to talk less, or only when he had something of interest to say. I have learned a very hard lesson, but I had held the intention for him to shut up with strong emotions, almost every day, over a period of time.
I am now trying to work out steps to reverse engineer this into something I do want. I guess I did the screaming in my head for at least 10 minutes, almost every day, for several months. Of course, I could shout in my head for what I do want, but I don't know how to word it, or how to bring about the intense emotions and feelings I had when it was something I found extremely irritable/negative.
Any ideas?
The good news is, he is improving every day, and hopefully should be out in a week or two. I will not be doing that again. Just very grateful he got through it.

Warning: Mentions of violence, blood, and some self harm near the end.
While browsing some random conspiracy site, I found what is a supposedly leaked file from the Nevada County Sheriff's Department; however, nothing has been confirmed. According to the OP, it is believed the following is the personal account of a 21 year old Jonathan Ashford of Grass Valley, California. Normally I would write stuff like this off but this one is...different. I’ve done my best to correct most of the grammar and misspelling while at the same time trying to avoid skewing the original account.
-September 15, 2022
I’ve never really been an outdoor person. Well, I guess that’s because I’ve never really been outdoors much in the first place. And that’s because I guess…I've never been invited? I don’t really have any friends. So, needless to say, I was surprised to find myself on a backpacking trip with a group of 5 other students from my university. The plan was five days in Tahoe National Forest some place called Mystery Lake. Monday-Friday. I don’t know why they decided to do it during the week. Most of us had okay grades at best and part time jobs on the side so taking a week off of it all seemed at the very least a bit irresponsible; and yet, I went anyway. Listen, I didn’t plan it, okay? This was one of my only chances to get to know people. The hike wasn’t too long but my genius self who had only been backpacking once when I was around 9 years old or so decided to carry 60 pounds of bullshit up the mountain resulting in my shoulders being sore and raw for the foreseeable future.
-10:11 PM
To be honest, I don’t really know why they let me come with them. I only know one of them and the group has been ignoring me for pretty much the entire trip. I was always bringing up the back on the hike in and I set up my tent outside of the main camp behind some trees. I haven’t eaten any meals with them or talked to them or, now that I think about it, anything really. Regardless. The trip has been an experience. Hopefully things get more exciting tomorrow.
-September 16
I’ve only ever slept in a tent a couple times so the new environment and lack of sleeping pills resulted in quite a restless night. I woke up at about eleven; everyone else was gone. I remembered they were talking about a day hike on a trail headed north so assuming that’s where they went, I hurried to get dressed and grabbed some granola bars. I’m about to head out. I hope I find them.
-12:21 PM
I’d been briskly walking for around an hour and was feeling quite exhausted so when I heard the group’s voices off in the distance I was very relieved. I started to jog in their direction when–when this jolt or–wave of energy flooded my mind. My head instantly started throbbing and my vision went blurry. The best way I could describe it is–TV static? Like the old TVs that would go all staticky when the signal got bad. I could barely make out shapes and a space in the middle of my vision was especially dark to the point where I couldn’t see past it. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. God no, if only I was that lucky. I can still hear the shrieking. That goddamn shrieking. In an instant all I could hear was this sharp, scratchy shrieking. It pierced through my ears and rooted itself in my head. I think I cried out in pain but even if I did I couldn’t have heard it. It was as if the damned souls of hell all cried out in eternal pain all at once and begged for death. I gripped and pulled at my hair, hardly noticing the pain that resulted from it as I fell to my knees in agony before…
I slowly opened my eyes. My head hurt and there was a slight buzzing in my ears. I lay in a pile of ivy next to a fallen log, my back dampened from the cool soil beneath me. I stood up, the hill on which I previously stood was nowhere in sight. As I leaned my shoulder against a tree to steady myself I heard voices. Cautiously, I walked through the foliage as the low vines dragged along my ankles. As I walked, I looked up. The falling sun cast a soft orange glow across the sky. It was probably around five O’clock or so. I climbed up on a large rock only to realize I was near the main camp. I pin-pointed the voices of my fellow campers as they huddled around a low-burning campfire. As I sat down to listen to them speak I could sense a strong feeling of uneasiness resonating from the group. Then it hit me.
“Are you sure you haven’t seen her since earlier this afternoon?” One of them said, I think his name was Matthew? He was tall and lean, by far the tallest in the group.
“I’m sure! It just doesn’t make sense. One minute she was behind me going on about who knows what and then the next when I turn around she’s gone!” A girl with light brown hair said. I didn’t know her name. I could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes as the wind blew her hair into her face.
“We need to find her before it gets dark. Groups of two; stick together!” A shorter man with brown hair said. Ryan. He was the only one I knew. We weren’t friends. Definitely not. But he was nice enough to me in the classes we had together and I was grateful that I was able to go on the trip with him. As he walked past the boulder I sat beside, paying me no mind, I saw his lower lip quiver as his wide eyes looked straight ahead. He was more nervous than he led on. I zoned out for a few seconds, the static from earlier crawling its way into the corners of my vision when a chipmunk climbing a tree snapped me back to reality and I realized I had been left at camp. I looked around at the tall forest but the group was nowhere in sight. I assumed they wanted me to wait at camp in case the missing girl, Alice, came back, but as I moved toward the dying campfire the call of nature occupied my thoughts. I found a spade and a roll of toilet paper and strode briskly into the forest, the cool Autumn air rushing against my chapped lips as I walked. I reached over to scratch an itch on my arm when I saw it.
“The fuck?” I wondered out loud. There on my upper forearm was…a bite mark. I rattled my brain trying to think what could have made that kind of mark. As I examined it more I confirmed my suspicions. It seemed human. At least I think it was human. It’s not like there are any goddamn monkeys native to Middle of Nowhere, California. There was also a dark purple bruise on my lower forearm. Didn’t remember getting that either.
I looked around for a good spot. Stepping over a log, I set my foot down on something soft. It was Alice. Her right hand crushed and mangled and a dried trickle of blood at the corner of her mouth had pooled on a flattened leaf. I screamed, tripping and falling back in the direction I hoped was the camp. As I jumped over a rock I landed hard on my left ankle as a streak of pain shot up through my body. I was trying to get back up when I heard it. The screeching. It steadily yet quickly faded in until it flooded my hearing. My vision was clouded by that same static. I curled up into a ball, kicking at the air. My eyes watered and I felt the urge to vomit…
A wave of dizziness hit me as I opened my eyes and fell on my tailbone, pain shooting up my back. I lay down on my back and looked up at the trees, my nose bloody. It was still dark. Had I been standing? I tried to recall what I had been doing but all I remembered were faded images. One thing I didn’t forget was the screeching. All that I could remember was covered by that screeching and a faint veil of that static. Just thinking about it made my head throb.
A groan. I nearly jumped out of my skin as I turned to look in the sound’s direction. It was David. He looked injured, lying on the ground, but quickly crawled back in what looked like fear when he saw me.
“You bitch!” He muttered between gritted teeth. Before I could react he was up on his feet charging in my direction. I tried to doge him but the wind was quickly knocked out of me as he headbutted me in the stomach. I fell back onto the ground and between coughs I saw him running towards me. Before he could deliver a heavy stomp to my chest I caught his foot and kicked up into his groin. He stumbled back with a low yelp of pain and, taking my chance while he was stunned, I stood up as fast as I could and prepared to block another attack. He ran up to me and attempted to deliver a blow to my stomach with his right fist, leaving his upper body undefended; I used the opportunity to send a hard punch into the side of his neck. He fell back choking, tears in his eyes. As he tried to sit down he tripped on a root and hit his head on a nearby boulder with a sickening crack. He squirmed for a moment, then nothing.
Silence. There was a faint red stain on the side of the rock, and beneath his blood-stained hair, his head seemed unnervingly misshapen. The closer I looked, the more I saw. Bruised neck, flowing blood, even some pinkish bone exposed near the worst of the damage to his skull. The fall must’ve been worse than I thought. Why would he attack me? What was wrong with him? Had he mistaken me for someone else? I sat against the blood-stained boulder and leaned my head back. I’m exhausted. Everything hurts. My ankle is throbbing. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve slept and I don’t know what to do. I should probably go try to find the camp but…I’m too tired. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.
-September 18
I slept through the entire day and most of the night! Or, at least I think I did. The more I think about it I’m not so sure. It’s like 2:30 AM, glad my phone still works even if my brain doesn’t, just wish I had signal. I’m not sure what to do but I might try to go find
-4:29 AM
Something’s definitely out here with us. Or–me. Not sure how many of the others are left out here. I’m sure that shrieking is tied to something. I heard something off in the distance while writing and decided to go check it out. It was Matthew and that other girl. They were walking briskly and their eyes seemed to be darting around frantically. They were talking in hushed tones but from what I heard they found Alice's body, and they were worried. I was about to reveal myself to them when the shrieking came back. It hit me like a train, and sometimes I think a train would have hurt less. It felt like it lasted for hours, I bit a hole through my lip and fell off of the boulder I was sitting on. I couldn’t see anything except a dark patch of static in the middle of my vision surrounded by more static. All the cuts and bruises in my body seemed to amplify and I could barely breathe. I just wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t stop.
The two were dead when I came to. I wasn’t much better off myself. No matter how much I spit I can’t get the taste of blood out of my mouth. My arms are covered in cuts and bruises and my shoulder was dislocated. That was a fun half hour figuring out how to put it back in place. I think whatever is out here with us clouds your vision and makes it impossible to hear anything as a way to hunt you. I’m amazed it hasn’t killed me yet. I hope Ryan is still out there.
-6:06 AM
It’s been a long night. A really long night. I found Ryan but–but now I wish I hadn’t. It was around five AM I think, I had been aimlessly wandering through the forest looking for something, anything. By the most unlucky luck Ryan came stumbling around a tree. When he saw me his eyes went wide.
“Jon, what the hell?” Then he squinted his eyes and seemed to notice the wounds on my arm.
“Oh god,” he said. Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small knife, glaring at me during the process. Before I could reply, he charged me, knife in hand. I–I didn't want to kill him. I really didn’t. He tackled me to the ground, forcing the knife close to my chest. I desperately tried to push him away and being the stronger one, I knocked him off me. As he hurried to get back on top of me I sent my right leg flying into his arm, knocking the knife from his hand. Before he realized what was happening I grabbed the knife from the ground. In what seemed like a last desperate attempt he tried to force me down again but, already having the knife in my hand, I quickly slashed his chest and one of his wrists without thinking. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t mean to kill him! I was just defending myself. I don’t know why he attacked me, what’s gotten into him and David? Is that thing controlling them? They didn’t seem like they were under some kind of spell…I don’t think so at least.
After a soft cry of pain he collapsed and rolled down the steep hill we were standing on. I didn’t bother looking for his body. No point. Odds are that thing would use his body as a trap for me or something. I don’t know anymore.
Somehow I found my way back. I don’t remember how, all I remember is collapsing against a tree out of exhaustion but, here I am at the trailhead. I guess my half dead brain forgot most of it. I don’t know what I’ll do now, I don’t think I’ll tell the police. If they hear that some creepy ghost creature is hiding out in the forest killing my friends I’ll probably get locked up in who the fuck knows where for who the fuck knows what. But, no matter how many or how few believe me, I know something is out there. And I know it’s dangerous. I doubt the bodies will ever be found. That forest is huge and I buried Matthew and Elizabeth, found her name in a backpack she had on.
This will be my last entry. My name is Jonathan Ashford, and I survived something dangerous in the Tahoe national forest. Whatever you do, do not go there. Goodbye.
-September 22, 2022, 5:06 PM
Ryan survived. The police are after me. Apparently he told them I stalked them in the forest and picked them off when they weren’t together. I don’t know what’s happening. There are some gaps in my memory but I know that I didn’t kill those people. I only killed David, and that was self defense. I’m not sure what I’ll do. The police don’t know where I am but I’m sure that won’t last long.
-8:19 PM
I saw an interview with Ryan on the local news while browsing channels. He seemed–off. There were bags under his eyes and his skin was pale. He seemed nervous, shaky. I hope he’s ok. I still don’t understand why he thinks I killed them.
-September 23, 3:12 AM
ok ok. I have a theory. I’ve been up all night thinking and it makes so much sense now. That thing can shriek. Terrifying right? But explainable. The static I still can’t make sense of, there’s no feasible way it could naturally do that. What if whatever supernatural force causes the static can also control people? Maybe that’s why Ryan looks so crazy. It must be controlling him. But why would it want me? Am I immune to its effects? Maybe.
-6:04 AM
They didn’t notice it. It didn’t hit them. When I was spying on Matthew and Elizabeth, right before they were–anyways.
The shrieking hit my ears before the static hit my eyes and in those few seconds, they didn’t notice. It didn’t affect them. They didn’t hear the shrieking. Maybe the shrieking is that monster thing's abilities failing to control me. Maybe that's why ryan-whatever’s controlling Ryan wants me. It’s because I’m a threat to it. Because It can’t control me. When I woke up I was injured, but never killed like the others. Maybe it doesn’t have as much power over me as others.
But why would the authorities believe Ryan? There’s no way his story can add up. Even if that creature, that thing, is intelligent, it can’t be that smart to fake a story. Why are they after me?
-11:42 PM
The police came by today. I was about to update this log again when they started banging on my door. I was able to sneak out a window before they noticed me, glad I live on the ground floor.
Something seemed off about them. I can’t say what but, something, like the uncanny valley effect, where something looks human but isn't. Whatever. It’s probably just my imagination. I need sleep.
-September 24, 2:20 AM
Something is wrong–something is definitely wrong. How did they find me? Holy shit that was close! I was dozing by a couple of dumpsters behind a gas station. Figured it was safe enough since it was out of the way and partly blocked by a fence until I heard dogs barking. Not sure how many of them there are, at least two–maybe three, I can still hear them barking. I figured they were just strays that would hopefully leave me alone until I saw the lights. Damn things half-blinded me!
“Son, what are you doing back here? Can we walk to you?” one of the officers said, his face was clammy and pale, he seemed tired, he seemed–off. I didn’t respond or wait for them to try and get closer, I dashed past them before they could call their dogs on me and jumped the fence, running into the tree line. I managed to climb my way up a tree a ways into the woods before they could get around the fence and send their dogs out. They haven’t found me yet, but they’re still looking for me. I can see their flashlights periodically bathing the tree line in a pale glow. I think I’ll try to wait them out and then climb down and run for as long as I can. Not sure where I’ll go yet but they keep finding me so I’ll have to get creative. Not sure how they’re finding me so quickly and easily, but maybe I can come up with something. Is that–thing finding me? Does it always know where I am? Is it controlling the police? Maybe that's why they looked so…wrong. I don’t know. I’m starting to think I don’t know anything anymore. I keep noticing the static in the corner of my vision occasionally, not sure why.
-September 24, 5:03 PM
I fucked up. Big time. Last night, somehow, I fell asleep. I don’t know how, guess I was just too exhausted. The sound of a helicopter pierced through the top of the tree line. Before I could register everything, I slipped and fell down the tree. I was able to slow my fall a bit by dragging my hands along the tree–hurt like a bitch–but I still landed hard. Can barely sit down. I think I was able to avoid being detected by the helicopter. I’m going to start walking. Not sure where but, I need to go somewhere. The static is constantly in the corner of my vision whenever I focus on it now. Why is this happening?
-10:44 PM
This doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know what's happening anymore! I was wandering through the forest when the static came back. God, it was awful, forgot how bad it was. Hell, maybe it was worse this time. Who knows. This isn’t the weirdest, or worst, part. I woke up in my apartment, I’m exhausted, but don’t have any new visible injuries despite how shitty I feel. Not sure why that thing didn’t try to hurt me, maybe it gave up on trying.
The news was on when I woke up, God I’m so fucked. They found the bodies–the ones that I buried. Of course they found my DNA all over them, used their forensics or whatever to try to explain how I killed everyone. I’ll have to admit if it wasn’t all a setup by some evil entity out to get me it would be pretty convincing. Sometimes–I find myself believing it. I don’t know what to think at this point, nothing makes sense anymore. The static is far more noticeable now. My head is starting to hurt, too.
They haven’t come back to my apartment yet, probably don’t think I would return this soon after they searched the place. I know they’ll be here eventually but I’m too tired to care right now. My brother and his kids used to live a few hours out of town, I think he built a treehouse for his kids somewhere behind the house. Maybe I’ll go try and hide out there for as long as I can. As if that will be very long at all.
-September 26, 6:24 PM
Everywhere I look, everything I watch. They’re always out for me. Everyone is looking for me. The things the police and the media keep saying about me–the evidence that gets released every day, the testimonies, officials saying I have symptoms of psychological problems like psychosis and DID, of Bipolar. More and more–I’m starting to believe it myself. Surely it's that thing. Surely it’s getting in my head…right?
-September 27, 1:03 PM
Made it to the treehouse, glad it’s still here. Had a few close calls along the way when trying to steal food from gas stations but I made it ok. Glad I did, the static is starting to really cloud my vision and my head hurts so bad my ears are starting to ring. I’m not out of the woods yet, that’s for sure. I can sense them...it. They’re trailing me. I think they’re getting close.
I’m so tired, so confused. I don’t know what to do, what to think anymore. What’s next? Maybe I’ll try to get some rest…if I can, that is.
I could try to come up with something, some silver bullet or whatever. I have this one idea, it’s not smart or clever, not even close, but it’s an idea, and it won’t let it–them–it, whatever, win. At least I don’t think it will; besides, surely it has a bigger plan for me, right? There’s no way it would go through all this effort just to kill me…
-4:39
They found me. I can hear them outside. They’re getting closer.
To be honest, I don’t know anymore. Maybe I did kill all those people, maybe I am insane. I don’t know what to believe. There’s so much being said, so many people saying it. I’m just so confused, so tired, so scared.
There's a bomb on the chair beside me, homemade. Glad I grabbed enough supplies to build it. Took me a while to figure it out as well as a few close calls but I think I got it working. They’ll have quite the surprise waiting for them once they find me…
They’re at the base of the tree now. The static has almost completely consumed my vision and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore. I’m not sure why I was made the target of this, why this is happening to me at all, but regardless of the reason, I won’t let them win.
To the creature, or entity, to whatever is doing this to me: I’ll see you in Hell.
Goodbye
Aside from some generic legal stuff to conclude the report, that’s where the document ends. I’m not sure what to make of it. Definitely a lot to take in. I contacted the OP on the site I got this from but haven’t received a response yet, will update if I receive one. For now my only advice is be careful, and don’t go backpacking in Tahoe National Forest. If anyone has any thoughts or info, please, let me know.

I was raised by a father who was bipolar type 2, had borderline personality disorder, severe depression with constant suicidal ideation, the most severe anger issues I have ever seen in a human being in my life (imagine if logan roy from succession got hooked on amphetamines, about like that), and he committed suicide when I was 19. I was not allowed to feel in my home, if I was upset about anything at all, then that meant that I was "whining" and needed to shut up and be more grateful, even when I was "whining" that he took so many pills that he forgot me having to stop his suicide attempt, and I got angry when I mention that event and he went "what are you talking about?", I thought he was gaslighting me at first, but I later realized the combo of drugs he was on and his own severe mental instability had actually blocked that memory out from his stupid fucking head, but I was wrong for getting upset because "it's not my fault I don't remember". Not even the point, the point is I was raised that expressing emotions of any kind was a direct affront to my father that would not be taken lightly by him, and I VERY MUCH internalized that. It took me 18 months after his death to be able to shed a single tear about the situation, and even then it was tears of anger, and I had to force myself to cry, it was like my head was a hot air balloon of a whole lifetime of emotions and pain I had locked away and wanted to let it out but I couldn't, then when I did let it out, it hurt so much, that I wanted to numb it all away again, and that's when the drinking got really bad. I am 9 months sober after almost dying from anemia caused by a severe long term gastric bleed caused by my drinking (they consider the life threatening range for your hemoglobin level anything below about 7-8, yea, mine was 3.4 when i got to the hospital, it took 7 bags of blood just to bring me up to barely stable), and it left me with some liver scaring, I was so desperate to not feel all the pain that I drowned it, and now I'm finally having to come up for air, and oh boy. I feel like I have no idea who I am. Where does the me that my parents molded me into end and the me that is my true self begin. Will I ever be able to enjoy my interests without the deep seeded shame I have for stuff like watching anime that I have from my dad quite literally calling me a pussy for liking anime. I got a hunter x hunter charm necklace thing and I've been wearing it and I like it, but I still am so incredibly self conscious about it because of the time I tried to wear a necklace in like 5th grade and my dad said it made me look "faggy", which is absolutely fucking insane because my dad was genuinely not homophobic, my aunt was gay and she was frankly the only one of his siblings he actually liked, he didn't have a bigoted bone in his body, but what he meant is "girls won't go for you if you wear that", but fuck you, I was in 5th grade and (very much due to the emotional repression) I wouldn't get truly interested in dating until, let me check, NOW. I had a long term girlfriend through high school and college who was my first love, but we only started dating because she asked me out, I have never made the first move on a girl a single time in my life, I've quite literally never flirted. My whole life, I have been so scared of relationships because the only one I saw was my parents godless nightmare of a marriage where they were "staying together for me" even when I was in high school ACTIVELY ASKING THEM TO GET DIVORCED, because they were such fucking nightmares. I have always thought that whatever good feelings of love and fulfillment I would get from a relationship would never outweigh the pain that would come along with the fights, and only now that I'm finally starting to break through the layers of repressed emotions and that I've dried out off of the booze am I finally starting to feel different. The thing that is so hard is, I've just pushed all my feelings and all my pain down so deep for my entire life, that now the emotions are all coming at once, and good God I just can't handle it sometimes. I also got diagnosed as bipolar type 2 today, just like dear old dad, still sending gifts up from hell, just in time for my birthday too. The pain, the feeling that I have missed out on so much of my life by being to afraid of getting hurt to allow myself to have anything good. I feel like I've missed out on so much of life because of that bastard, and now I'm 25, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and I am trying to basically rebuild myself from the ground up after I almost died and got sober, and I am basically by myself dealing with it (very long story, but basically because of his death, our family business went under and my mom and I had to move to her hometown, in with my aunt and uncle, and I have no friends here and I am not close with my family and they are a bunch of judgmental Bible thumpers who basically think I'm a degenerate for drinking and a snowflake for my mental health issues), and I just feel so deeply intensely alone. I was so numbed for my entire life, that I didn't even actually know you could feel emotions this intense, the way that the sorrow just feels like a bottomless hole in your chest, and all I want is to feel like someone cares about me and that I matter. My mom is here with me, and she is doing her best, but if you can't tell from the post, she isn't exactly blameless in the cause of the issue, so that is kind of a double edged sword. I try and keep in touch with my friends from my hometown, but they're busy with their lives and they don't always have the time, plus I always feel like I'm putting them out when I need their help (there's that trauma again). I'm in therapy and I just went up to twice a week, but that still only helps so much. I even want to start dating again, but I'm stuck in a small town in the middle of nowhere in south Alabama, where the dating pool isn't exactly huge, and gets widdled down a LOT more when you take into account that I'm an agnostic democrat. God, every day I ask myself, why isn't he still here, so I can let out all of this pent up emotion and pain onto the person who actually deserves it, but even then I know it wouldn't make me feel better. So as I'm finally starting to be able to even have emotions again, I'm reminded why I wanted to numb them all away. I just feel alone, and like I don't even know who I am, and that who I am might not be the person I wanted to be, and there's a healthy dose of self hatred mixed in, and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me it will be OK, because I know it will, but God damn it why does it just have to be so damn hard sometimes. Why did he have to die without me ever getting to tell him how he hurt me to his face. How could he rob me of that. He got to die with the last thing I said to him being that I loved him, and I have to take to my grave that the last thing that I ever said to my father was a lie.
Edit: TLDR: Abusive dad caused me to be so emotionally repressed that when he died I became an alcoholic to numb the pain and now that I'm sober and chipping away at the emotional repression, I feel an entire lifetimes worth of emotions hitting me all at once and it is incredibly overwhelming and has left me feeling like I don't know who I am and that I am all alone just picking up the scraps of my life, while not even knowing what the life I'm picking up even looks like. I just wish he was still alive so I could tell him all the things I didn't get a chance too while he was alive. All the awful, hurtful, painful, gut wrenching things I would say to him.