For anyone who has been following, I've been sharing everything I've learned about living well with Chiari without surgery to this sub for the past few weeks. Here are links to previous posts:
Living Well With Chiari - Without Surgery
Take a Life Inventory
Reducing Triggers
The next step for me was Improving My Overall Health. Living well with Chiari starts with living well everywhere else.
Meditation:
If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times. Meditation is good for you. It’s not a woo woo thing. It’s a creative thing.
My first real experience with meditation was with Dr. Joe Dispenza. His book You Are the Placebo was the catalyst that started me down another road--one that didn’t involve doctors who didn’t know what to do with me, and reliance on prescription medication.
The catalyst for major change in my life, and my introduction into healing myself.
If you haven’t heard of Dr. Dispenza but you’re at all interested in changing any facet of your life, health, personality, or habits, he’s worth Googling. The guided meditation that accompanied You Are the Placebo was intended to change something about my health by helping me create and connect with the version of health that I wanted to experience instead. Every time the mediation ended, I felt strong, empowered, and hopeful. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that today I feel (almost) as good as the version I created in my own mind, long before I saw any physical change in my body.
We forget--especially when we are sick and in pain--that we have so much more power over our circumstances and our bodies than we realize. Dr. Dispenza seeks to remind us of who we are and what we are capable of, and show us how to actually change our minds to change our health.
You don’t have to get on board with Dispenza (though you can find his free meditations on Youtube). Admittedly, his work goes deep, and you might not be interested or ready to go there. Any meditation, even sitting for five minutes of quiet breathing is going to help calm your raging thoughts and the body that’s probably feeling too much.

Hydration:
Simple, right? Drink more water. Fluids in a well-hydrated body flow better, and let’s face it—for those of us with crowding at the back of our skulls, flow is vital. Flow is life.

Put Good Stuff In:
Fruits and vegetables
High quality vitamins/supplements—the best you can budget
Detox—naturally with food or with the help of a detox program. I have done Alejandro Junger’s Clean program a few times, and felt amazing afterwards. It’s an easy to follow program outlined in his book Clean. You don’t need to buy the food/supplements from him (I didn’t) but that used to be an option—not sure if it still is. I also use the supplement Clean Slate by Root.
Juice—and not the kind out of a bottle. Juice your own fruits and vegetables for a nutrient bomb to your cells. Check out the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead if you want to see how beneficial fresh juice can be.
Smoothies—some would argue it’s better than juicing because with smoothies you keep the fiber. I like them because they are a great way to get nutrients into my body quickly.

Limit the Bad Stuff:
This should be a no-brainer, but it’s very easy to get caught up in habits and not as easy to change them.
Prior to the Chiari diagnosis, I smoked for a few years. I’m not proud of it, but there you have it. As soon as the Chiari pain started—which was triggered by coughing—it was easy to quit. I haven’t smoked a cigarette since.
Alcohol was a different story. I have a long, complicated history with alcohol. For part of this journey, red wine actually helped relieve the coughs, and that’s part of why I drank 1-3 glasses every night for years. I kicked that nightly alcohol habit in January 2024…long after it stopped being necessary to keep me from coughing. Now I’ve noticed that if I do partake in a few drinks, the Chiari wakes the fuck up with a roar. It honestly takes the fun out of a cocktail! I had to be several months out of that habit, though, to realize how much better I felt on a daily basis without it.

Essential Oils:
I know, I know, they aren’t for everyone. But they’ve helped me so much that I will post separately outlining how I use them with Chiari.
Enzymes:
I debated mentioning this because I know they won’t be available for everyone. Since they do play a significant role in my overall health, it wouldn’t be right not to talk about them.
The enzymes I’m referring to are made by Loomis, a company that specializes in enzymes for nearly every organ and system in the human body. The catch? You need to order them through Loomis practitioners. Until a few years ago, I happened to work for one. If you’re interested, you can search for a practitioner near you from the Loomis website.
These aren’t your average digestive enzymes (though the importance of a healthy gut cannot be overstated). Mostly I use certain formulas to help ward off that old familiar foe: the cold bug. Just as I never go a day without essential oils, I never miss a chance to take certain enzymes at the first sign of trouble. And like the oils, they’ve done exactly what I need them to do.

you are capable of more. and there is better for you than the way you probably feel if you found this post.

This is just the beginning. It’s true that nothing changes if nothing changes. And changes—even positive ones—can be hard, especially when living with Chiari can suck the life right out of you.
I feel better. Genuinely better. Most days I don’t experience any symptoms. It’s not magic, but I had to pull myself out of the dark and make some changes. If I can do it, so can you.

I hope you're doing good out there. I still havent found you but i have hope ! im still here, crying over sad animal videos, and spending hours binge watching documentaries on things ill never have a practical use for. You know, i still wonder what you look like.. i wonder if youll have short hair, if youll be tall, or just as short as me. I wonder if you sound soft and caring, or protective and strong. I wonder if you look at the little things in life like i do. But.. its getting late, ill write to you again eventually. xoxo, your dreamer girl.
Heres a bit more about me, hope to hear from you!
Who am i? - silly little dreamer who daydreams about everything and anything. i especialy like looking out from car windows and watching the leave sway. im very sentimental, i treasure every little thing given to me, even if its just a piece of paper. im a photographer ! i like seeing things and keeping little snips of time frozen in my phone.. everything is precious in a way. Im quite emotional, i cried over a piece of macaroni once, felt bad for crushing it. i love cats, unconditionally, if the whole love thing doesnt work out ill probably end up collecting cats. i love vc's, im quite cling and need a good bit of attention, but i respect your time for sure!
Dealbreakers? - i absolutely wanna tie the knot and have children, non negotiable. - im not a fan of alcohol but dont prohibit it - smoking and drugs are a no-go, bad memories last.
What do i ask from you? - max of 8 years older - willing to communicate properly (please dont open with just "hey") - please start with your age and a short intro
Have a great day ❤️

There’s nothing WRONG with meditation, could plunges, etc., but I feel like they get mentioned in every internet post about simple ways of making your life better.
For me:
-I bring clean socks into the bathroom before I shower, and then after, I fully dry off my feet and put my new socks on. Feels fantastic.
-I have a coffee pot with an auto feature and I set up my coffee the night before. I use pretty cheap French vanilla flavored coffee. I love it. It’s easy and it wakes me up.
-when I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, I get up, light a candle, and do like 20 minutes of basic yoga moves and stretches. Sometimes I add a calm podcast or audiobook, or audio rosary.
-I stopped pretending to care about professional sports. I used to worry a lot about what boys thought of me (lol lol lol!) and tried so hard to follow sports and sports news but it was like pulling teeth. At some point I realized that it simply didn’t matter, I can just stay quiet while other people talk about their sports, and if someone asks me, I can just say, “Oh, I don’t follow [sports team]. Have you gone and seen any games lately— did you have fun?”
-I use my electric kettle to boil water, then I pour the boiling water into a pot on the stove and turn the burner on. Saves 10 minutes on boiling a quart of water.
-I bring magazines with me when I’m out with my baby. I can read sometimes when she entertains herself and I don’t have to be bored or feel guilty about using my phone around her. And if I lose it? That’s fine, it wasn’t a library book.
-when I feel bad about my body, I put on mascara, a high ponytail, and something high-waisted. Then I often feel better.
-I have figured out the world’s easiest, most filling, “meals,” for when I absolutely can’t cook or wait for takeout, and I keep them on hand. They’re kind of depressing, but it’s enough fiber, protein, and fat to keep me full.
-I don’t fold laundry. Either it’s nice and it gets hung up, or it doesn’t matter and it gets gently thrown in its appointed drawer. Modern fabrics don’t wrinkle like older ones do. Who cares? Not me.
What about you?

My LTR and I both have adhd and we are older folks. We have managed to have a life together for close to 20 years. We now have to get married in order to protect each other ( trust me we are backed into a corner) . We want to but never have because it’s a lot of steps and paperwork and follow through. We know ourselves and we get along great and live happily. We probably both have this RSD thing that I am seeing mentioned now ( neither of us can tolerate any kind of falling out , we mend quickly we take real care with each other and always have ) Anyway we have started the process and something has been unleashed. We are sulking for days fearful and frustrated with each other, confounded and miserable. I think its about having to do the work we have avoided for this long. Past relationships trauma is surfacing. We are wounded! I have now made a massive mess , a huge pile of sprawling clutter that I am walking over , that now includes important paperwork, undeposited checks, overdue bills, dirty clothes, keys ?! So many keys , clothes that are terrible but comforting, gifts never gifted, random stuff, all the stuff that I don’t want but can’t purge. I essentially created a bigger problem to drown out everything else. It’s not productive procrastinating as nothing is getting done and It feels impossible. I got into trouble at work last wrrk, my first major screw up and it is astronomical I am living in fear of the repercussions. And now lately , every time I ave an uncomfortable thought i reach for the phone like it’s crack . My screen time is off the charts. Okay well thank you for this space to state whats happening. It’s a start.

TL;DR; This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?.
Hmm hey reddit m new here nd don't know much about stuff but I don't have any frnds to share what I am actually going through so thought of just dumping it here m just another 12th grader
It all starts from 10th grade where I was a very avg student but kinda interested in economics and stuff so obv wanted to take commerce but parents being parents gave me the baton for science coz ' Ghar me kisi ne commerce ni liya hai ' I said them I couldn't but they dint hear me so started off with the most hectic schooling in a very strictly JEE oriented coaching centre where for the first 3 mnths I dint realise what was happening sat there at the first bench wondering what I am doing here nthg went thru my head rather a bouncer until I got some stability in the 4th month started off kowith covering the stuff I had backlogged I came across a girl prepping for her neet examinations I unknowingly started liking her she wouldn't come online until late night so got my sleep schedule fucked until n unless in November I finally asked her out where she made a joke off what I had done for her like everything that broke me down but the fact that she had made a fun out of me helped me move on a little bit 1st year got over and since it was a coaching centre I dint give no exams for 11th
12th grade Where I was okish with the whole thing and it was kinda getting better for me to start off with things I had a small frnds group in which a guy we call him 'jawline' had a crush on a girl say ' green ' for the past 2 yrs now ( since starting of 11th) I got back in rythm to study trying to cope up atleast for the 12th boards until in second or third week of 12th grade I met green causally walking home after a Sunday exam we talked and kinda vibed to the way I spoke and the way she reacted we grew to be good frnds. Jawline in the meanwhile was insecure coz I could potentially steal her crush but I just talked normally and she was on with it and dint have any kinda interest in the guy who she had told about it in the very very beginning clear and cut that I like u as a frnd but nthg more than that at jawline instead changed his frnd circle to hers to get closer to her there was a giraffe a snake a horse and green. Green and giraffe were kinda good frnds since 6th grade so it was more elike bro sis so I was fine with it snake was bestie of green and jawline had made good frnds with her to uk get to know about green more.
Cut to July where me and green started to have a good chemistry we talked long hours in class but she had to give the time to her frnds too I dint mind it and this was a eye cracker for jawline he started conspiring against me since then moving to August we both knew we had smthg for each other August was when we had a event in the school and had to prep for it jawline was an amazing guitarist but equally better of a singer was me so it was always a competitive thing to get more audience ig he tried and convinced her for a musical performance on stage in front of 760+ PPL but school said only 1 such big singing performance would be allowed and dances were usual out frnd circle the remaining ones prepared for the best dance the school would see in the mean time green with her female frnds planned a dance too I was given the job to mix and master their tracks for performances and did it cleanly Augusts second last week where we had to stay for long hours to prepare the dances and singing The singing had now become a band of 3 guitarists 2 singers (lead) and 1 drummer and 1 cajon player. I danced for 3 hrs and then sang my lungs out for the remaining 2 hrs of the day where she would merely find time to prepare for the singing it kinda pissed me off so I confronted saying ' mere liye time nahi hai kya ?' jawline heard it and was pissed he told me on the face that ' it was my plan for the music why poking your nose ' I told alr I'll be out of it but green stopped me and told jawline in the face that she wanted me there else she wouldn't sing either jawline now knew that things had gone out of his hands Cut to 2 days before the event I was tired in the room everyone packing their stuff up for the last trial for the day she came and saw I was tired offered me some water we drank from the same bottle yea kinda kiddish but jawline was again offended he went upto my frnd and told ' doesn't he know I like her since the start of the year why has he been trying on her lately' frnds came back to me and told ki don't, leave her alone else it's gonna be a dispute but hey I wasn't the only one it was a two sided stuff Again to the trial room we finished our performance and all about to leave me green and potato ( my frnd) were sitting in the room idk what went through my head I pulled her chair close to mine potato dint give a fuck so yea She was all red and tired I went close brushed the hair on her face to the back uk what's coming but no I dint kiss her instead told her not so early I saw the look in her eyes where she was totally sold the while I was near her jawline saw he went bangers he shouted at me 'what u doing' I said 'nthg what's bothering you ' he walked out in brisk pace nothing followed But the conspiracy of ßnake giraffe and jawline continued
Event The day of event I reached the school early looking absolutely hot ( ngl I was ) she pulled up in a stunning green saree he lipstick was kinda off so I j wipped it off and snake was offended and told u don't need to do that she can do it on her own green gave me the ( you shouldn't care about her ) look clearing off I sat in the bus with equipments and the institute being the institute pulled a all girls and boy separate move but snake (girl) giraffe and horse with jawline sat with green in the female bus Reaching the destination wedding unpacked the stuff got it settled backstage Ready for my performance with the boys to be the show stopper before lunch and rhe call back band performance after lunch Out went well boys and threw a absolute banger the crowd went nutssss along with the principal and Dean etc etc Coming down stage she held my elbow and told ' bhot Sundar dance Kiya ' took a whiff off her eyes with kajal and ounched it behind my ears (Nazar na Lage) she carried on to the lunch but I had to setup the equipment on the stage doing that I was tired green got me some kulfi we both sat there backstage eating off the same one Lunch got over we got back on stage and the performance was a absolute flop coz mics dint work but we weren't bothered coz our dance was amazing so yea later on the girls ( with green and snake ) went up there to perform the did it amazingly she came down the stage and I repeated what she had done to me After it all their gang was sitting in the front But only green and I were all the way back in the end of the crowd where again it was a boys girls seperate but the organisers were my frnds so we managed I sat there with my hands across her shoulders clearing out the hair from her face every now and then snake and horse both came searching for green but luckily I wiffed my hand back to myself they said ' kaha ho yaar aage aakr baitho na ' green then left telling she would meet after sometime she came back and we sat there until my frnd showed up with a bottle of coke which had some ... Innit green asked me if I were to drink it I said yes she held my hand and said ' mat piyo na meri Kasam hai' I left the drink back event was coming to the end where jawline had a plan of asking her out on the day with the last performance where he sang kesariya and we hyped it coz comeon I was his frnd even if he dint consider me Event get over we were taking our stuff the the busses again i had the amp ( amplifier) in my had but my coat left in the front green returened back with it and was about to leave not seeing me come from the front gate she came running over thru the back one where I was leaving her frnds called her to another bus but she dint go with them instead with me we had a close time in the bus ( not physically) having teachers sit behind us she held my hand under the chair of the bus she burst into tears saying how over whelming it was I told her it was about the moment to enjoy coz I am a firm believer of what if we aren't alive Tom so yeah reached school with a lot of memories and talks and cries in the bus jawline had 8 missed calls on my phone snake giraffe and horse were very concerned we got down I was tired and high on life they thought I was drunk lol but I wasn't we hadn't clicked a pic together since she dint let me have my hands on her shoulder so I said no too but once at the school she picked my hand kept it on her shoulders and got a pic clicked
September We wrote letters and exchanged it in school sat together in free periods holding hands like 4th graders pookie things uk Until in a letter she told where would we endup to And as every guy would desire with her loved one I told a marriage but also mentioned it was too early to think about it rather enjoy what we have Walks in the first batch of pain where she told her parents would accept a guy not from where she belonged I convinced her to just enjoy what's there we still continued writing letter etc
Strike of busses No busses were on the move I had to travel on my own the day was gloomy and windy not many at school coz transport wasn't available every left the class it was me and her she packing her bag to leave looked at me from the side I also in the flow walked behind her and gave her a back hug( biggest blunder) I could feel her shiver it was cold after all calming her down we left until behind a bus she hugged me back ( the first one she ever had ) I gave her a forehead kiss
The letters continued so did the conspiracy another day walking back home her mom saw me walk beside her green told me not to talk to her as it would be like adding another character ( Her mom alr knew about jawline trying on green) So idint I walked my path 2 days later I felt a change in her behaviour she would walk down to talk to her frnds not 5 steps back to talk to me painfull innit
I finally asked her what the matter was turned out her mom told her to stay away from me coz I dint seem like a good guy and she being she dint say anything back either so seeing that things could go wrong I had another long talk telling her how we could figure smthg out now that along with letter she would call from her dad's phone every possible Sunday at night and we would talk all night we talked another night how we could do smthg but now I could see her flee away
Days later when she completely stopped talking no letters or anything I asked what happened and she told me she is sorry but is not able to prioritise me over what her mom said absolutely fine but why the answer to the why is still a mystery It's now me again at a stage where 5 mnths are left for my jee and boards where I used to study for the middle time when with her
October None of the October since my birth have gone good this was nthg new 1oct she called and told me that she couldn't do it coz it felt inappropriate The last time I dint get a reply to my letter I broke my knuckle so she was concerned about it too She told she would think and let me know the next day but me to not do anything to myself until then alr is all I told Next day oct 2nd She called we spoke for mere an hour but ended crying till morning 6 where she told it was none of us but the circumstances she cut the call That day onwards I smoked my lungs out the next week I was puking blood had a broken hand Stomach slits 0 food intake but dint touch alcohol coz she told me so Studies took a downfall STRAIGHT DOWN I couldn't do anything I wasn't able to eat speak or anything either lost around 9 kgs in mere October Calling it off she had given me her mail id to which I mailed but she replied as if we dint know each other and we're completely strangers I used to call her scammer and so did I write on her bench expectjng a reply she did reply with a scammer with ❤️ but nthg else her birthday was the last hope ( I had written over 75mails in the mean time ) I gifted her a watch in green with a letter written out of pure blood coz comeon personalization No reply to the letter no reply to mails until one day she mailed back saying a thanks for the watch I dint get reply or answers to any of the questions my health has been the same ever since Turning out I got to know that it was snake giraffe and horse with jawline who told her mom I wasn't a good guy is the worst part they even tried to fill greens ears earlier to stay away from me I studied in the last week for jee mains for a 72%ile and a 71% in boards miraculously but not able to do anything except that I have cried out alot infact a stage where mom too knew smthg was wrong School has now come to an end I have been going to her lane every day expecting to see her for once she dint wish me on my birthday either Bw this my dad got a stend operated in his heart I lost my granny who I told about green too lost my uncle too with all of this in my head studies became a not possible thing to do I gave some entrances got some colleges but dad wants me to do more the so called frnds too now don't care bout me anymore I am genuinely alone now with mails every day to her waking around 18kms both the ways to see her and smoking like a dickhead but nthgs happening idfk what to do her letters are still with me her scrunchie is yet with me the bottle we drank off is yet with me the chocolate wrappers I gave her are yet with me I haven't eaten a single chocolate since then coz I'd only eat if she had taken a bite off it she was vegetarian I left non veg too that's what her dad did for her mom also I have never touched alcohol coz she told me not to I don't fucking know what m i supposed to do. If yall got any idea that could possibly help in any aspect in my life pls share it with me Pls don't say gym or stuff coz I have tried that too Prayers ? I have been praying for her since the day she left me it's been 227 days since we last talked and I feel like I am at the wrong side even now The worst part I still love her the way I used to What should I do?

I just feel so sad. I work for a company in Scotland that provides care and education for people with a wide range of serious neurodivergency, including autism. I'm a social worker there and when I interviewed for the position I expressed that I was undiagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have autism and shared a little about my needs when asked. It took everything to tell them that because my needs embarrass me and I have masked all my life.
Things have been going fine and all my risk paperwork was done, detailing my triggers and responses and what needs I have. I have detailed what overstimulation feels like and how I cope, including that I stim in different ways to help me feel calm.
That was until I got pregnant and HR came for me. I have been having some extreme symptoms, bad nausea and vomiting, aches and pains, headaches. Because of my sensory needs, feeling nauseous or sore is incredibly hard to ignore and I know when I'm not able to go in to work. Sometimes I just need the day to get better. I've taken a lot of absences because of vomiting several times during the morning. HR are not happy about this.
They pulled me up about my several absences and I explained that I am pregnant and sickness is normal. They've been trying to convince me that there's something wrong with my health, and I've been to several doctors at their request. They all came back and told me that what was happening to me was normal and that rest is the best cure. I'm on a medication now to help with the sickness and it's been working. My absences have significantly improved since then.
But it feels like since then they've been looking for every excuse to pull me up and give me into bother. From 8:30am to 9:00am is the time we get to prepare for clients coming to the center. So normally I take whatever I'm working on, my phone or laptop, and I go into the sensory tent or sensory room. This helps me because getting to work can be a really overestimating experience in the morning, especially when my pregnant self is feeling like crap. Bundling into a loud vehicle, as much as I love jam time in the morning with my partner, is still pretty loud. I just use that time to be in a dark quiet space and do like a... Reset I guess! To help me get ready for the day. A few of my fellow neurodiverse colleagues also use that space in the mornings. I've now been pulled up and told that being in the tent in the mornings is not "mature" or "professional". I genuinely don't know what the problem is if its not affecting the work I'm doing?
I was left pretty flat after that conversation to be honest, but I got some reassurance from my colleagues that being in the tent is a non issue and they'll back me up if I continue using it with them. Today was worse. I am having a rough time mentally today. Everything is too loud. My head hurts. But I came in anyways because despite this I felt strong. I brought my favourite plush with me because my coworker often brings in a squishmallow so I wasn't feeling to embarrassed about it. He's a tardigrade build a bear and he smells like birthday cake. He's a soft squishy sensory and smell sensory item all in one. His name is Lenny and I found him to he incredibly helpful. So I was just holding him and squishing him and smelling him. Generally having a nice sensory time whilst my very independent client asked me to give him some space. I was prepared to put Lenny away once we were starting his timetable for the day! All the clients and staff love Lenny.
I didn't realise whilst i was holding Lenny that I was stimming. A common stim for me is rocking. I have expressed this to management that stimming for me looks like rocking, facial movement or my hands moving. Well HR called me into their office and asked me if I was well. I thought they were just concerned about pregnancy stuff and mental health stuff so I told them I was okay! I was just feeling a little overwhelmed today but it was okay because I brought in a sensory item. They told me that was the issue and that I couldn't use Lenny. They told me that rocking and clutching a teddybear made me look insane basically. I don't know if that's exactly what they meant thinking back on it, but that's what I think she meant. She said it made me look "unwell".
They asked me over and over again if I really thought I was fit to be here and I kept telling them yes, that I'm just overwhelmed. They repeated again that they need to have a mature and professional environment and said that my teddy bear was neither of those things. They asked me until I got a little frustrated if I needed to go home. I kept saying no and eventually they let up and let me leave the meeting. I cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes and got back out on the floor.
I masked up for today and I got through it. My manager just sat there and let her day those things to me. I thought my manager would have my back, having been the one to document my symptoms. I've just been left so drained. I get the feeling they were trying to make me say I wasn't fit to work so they could log another absence and get me into trouble again. It's causing me so much stress, and I think stressing me out like this when I'm pregnant is just... Mean.
I guess what I'm asking is how am I supposed to stand up for myself with no union and no diagnosis. I can't PROVE I have needs, but I thought they took me seriously when I outlined them. I guess I'll just have to mask back up at work so they don't clap me with anything else, but it just hurts because I thought as an organisation that deals with autism and it's quirks on a daily basis they'd do better for their neurodiverse staff. I'm not really doing anything that other neurodiverse staff aren't doing. I just don't know what I'm doing differently that is such a problem. My stimming and holding Lenny and sitting in sensory areas doesn't stop me from working and doing my job.
Sorry this was so long I guess I'm just seeking anything you can give me. Advice? Reassurance? I just want to know if what I'm doing is normal. Is HR right? I just don't know

I was giggling through a very funny subreddit I stumbled upon (foundsatan ) until this one popped up and took my breath away.
It felt like someone had put my loss into such succinct words, and the comment section also validated a bit of why this loss has hit me so hard. I read it and re-read it until I had to put my phone down, and I couldn’t stop leaking tears like a weepy idiot while I was walking the dog, grateful that at least it was dark outside.
It got me thinking about the post & follow up conversations here from the other day on grieving, and the reasons why some of us are still here.
I think it might be partly because we have all experienced some kind of “ambiguous grief” or loss. I will link to the full article in the comments - but wanted to validate anyone who has felt a need to justify why they find support here. It’s not because we’re mired in bitterness or hatred, or because we want to stay sitting in our pain or anger. ”The experience of ambiguous loss can bring unrelenting confusion and unending torment as the mind tries to make sense of the nonsensical. Paradox and contradictions abound.“
I’ve been really struggling with why I’m still so sad about losing my best friend of 30 years almost overnight. I’ve been through deaths of loved ones, a heart-wrecking divorce with a heaping dose of betrayal trauma. This is not my first time on the grief roller coaster, not by a long shot. I’ve been wondering: why does this feel just as hard as the other losses, but in an entirely different way?! I think it’s because I’m well familiar with those other kinds of grief. I know how to do those. I know how it works. Society has names for it and customs around comfort & support for grieving loved ones. It’s acceptable to talk about. But that’s not the case with ambiguous loss; it’s just as intense (for me) as the other losses, but somehow also entirely different. I had no clue that the end of a friendship could be this painful! Maybe because I never saw it coming. Knowing that her QuietBPD explosion had been building for decades while I was completely unaware of what was brewing rocked my world.
So - I’m not angry or bitter or wallowing. I’m just incredibly sad, almost a year into this, and can’t explain or express this to anyone in my life without feeling like an over emotional hot mess.
I genuinely appreciate the community and compassion found on this sub. It wasn’t until I found this sub that I started to be able to make sense out of the senseless. I wish all of you joy and healing no matter where you are in the process. Thanks, y’all.

There was this guy who randomly messaged me on facebook. Before, nakikita ko na panay seen sya ng mga myday ko and send heart reactions. I don't mind nung una kasi wala naman yon for me. Pero last April 20, nagmessage siya and everything is smooth naman. We are both 24. He's very open and straightforward. He said he likes me. At the very short period of time, I get to know him. He's an open book person. He told me everything about his life and his dark secrets (vices, etc.) because he doesn't want to hide anything from me. In short, he wants to work our relationship openly. He wants to meet my parents and get to know me more.
After week, we hangout somewhere in Rizal. We had our coffee first date. At first nabigla din ako sa sarili ko, why ako pumayag? Hahahaha nabudol ako sa coffee since favorite ko din kasi and the place was also nice. I can say that date was so fun and chill. We shared a lot of stories and experiences. We also have the same humor. In short, we both happy for our first date since nagclick agad.
So mag 1 month na kaming naguusap, mejo naging busy kami sa mga life namin. Minsan hindi na sya nakakapagreply pero he will message me naman the next day about what happened. Nung nakaraan naman nagkasakit siya, naging inconsistent siya kase nga may sakit siya at di nya nahahawak phone pero nakakapagshared ng videos and post. Nagrereply pa sa comment. Mejo nafeel ko na baka ayaw nya ko kausap? nanawa agad? or baka ayaw nya lang talaga ako replyan. 😅
Minsan nakakatulugan nya ko pero okay lang naman for me kasi nagwowork din naman kasi siya. Pero minsan naman bumabawi siya hinihintay nya ko magsleep.
Also, since may bisyo siya which is alak, every saturday may session sila with his friends. He always ask me if pwede siya uminom. Syempre ako, why not? hindi pa naman nya ako jowa. He should be responsible na with his decisions. And kahit naman na jowa nya ko, not type of person na nagbabawal kase i feel like i took their happiness away from them. So ako syempre 'go' lang.
Now na we are facing problems individually, nawawala na yung consistency nya. I do really understand naman. Pero nakikita ko kasi mga posts nya and seems like he's okay naman kasi you can see naman his comments on each shared post. I feel like tinatamad lang din ako kausapin. So ako naman, i reciprocating lang the energy na binibigay nya sakin. HAHAHAHAHAHA so what do u think guys?
PS: Baka ako yung red flag or no? Hahahaha

For some background, GF and I have been together 2 years now. We’ve had ups and downs, but have had an amazing relationship overall. We have had problems with one of her exes that I’ll refer to as John in this post. John and my GF were together on and off for 4 years. Throughout my relationship, John has tried contacting her either via message, Instagram, or a phone call. Early on she said she had blocked him off Instagram and off her phone. The messages he sent usually consisted of trying to hook up or just asking what she’s doing. This wasn’t a terribly common occurrence but would happen every few months or so.
Having also known that she had hooked up with him 1-2 months before we started dating, I was uncomfortable with this guy sending my GF messages to hook up. It just didn’t feel good to have some other guy trying to disrespect our relationship. My GF was understanding and did what she could. She understood it made me uncomfortably and by her own decided to remove him off of everything.
Now, around February this year there were some altercations in my GFs life between other people that eventually led to her telling me that back in October she had picked up a phone number that she said she had no idea who it was, and it turned out to be John. She admitted to me that she had what was an apparently 15-20 minute call. She said the phone call did not consist of anything sexual and that they just caught up on what’s going on in their life’s. She hid this from me for months and I asked her why. She said she thought I would get upset. I didn’t understand this at first, but then I could kind of see that thought process because I feel insecure with this ex. However, she also lied about it because awhile back after October time, I had asked her if John had tried contacting her. She said no and that he hasn’t in a long time. She truly felt horrible about it, and that was back in February but it still comes back to me.
I understand John makes me feel insecure, but I was hurt at how well she lied and hid something. If she had told me about the call right after I wouldn’t be nearly as bothered by it as I am now. She wishes she told me when it happened, but since she tried to make it something to hide, I lost some trust in the relationship. Despite our relationship currently being really good overall, this event comes back to me once in awhile. I eventually start to think I am over it and have gained the trust back, but eventually something will cause me to start looking back at this situation. We have already had long conversations about this and she has apologized sincerely. How can I overcome this decrease in trust? I feel like I am overreacting about this situation.
TL;DR: GF hid a phone call with an ex we have had problems with. I am bothered by how well she hid it. How can I overcome a decrease in trust?

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I’m speaking this from experience. I’m born in 2004 and have stepsister who is born in 2009. She fits every stereotype about Gen Alpha. I know that now she is a whiny teenager but she really fits that stereotype. People are saying Gen Alpha are so unfriendly and even disrespectful to teachers. in my experience even people my age were extremely disrespectful towards teachers for no reason but in the end they apologised and teachers knew that they shouldn’t be messing with them when they aren’t in the mood. But that girl… She would disrespect the teachers and she wouldn’t be sorry. And she isn’t the only one. Her classmates are like that too. Somehow she isn’t the worst in her class which concerns me.
When I was younger I was afraid to be around teenagers because they’re mean. Yes even when I was a teenager myself. Now it’s even worse. I’m seeing my old teachers sometimes and I’m trying to catch up with them. they’re crying to me because the kids are horrible. “Your classmates were horrible but I never knew it would get worse.” is what they mostly say. One of them even retired two years earlier just because she can’t put up with this shit anymore.
I’m kind of guilty for this too but their phone addiction. I’m kind of keeping myself in check when it comes to this but most of them don’t. A few years ago my mum introduced me to her colleague’s daughter(2008) I was happy I will finally make a friend but the whole whole time she wouldn’t engage in conversations. She would be on her phone chatting. I barely got to know her but from what I found out she really gave me horrible vibe. Even though her mum claims to be strict she is spoiling her daughter too much. at least from the conversation my mom had with her that day. I actually found out that her daughter is a bitch. She would talk behind other people’s back. Also her attitude isn’t going to get her far in life.
So no not only Gen Alpha are the rude, screentime addicts who can’t read. It’s a common thing in our generation too. Let’s not talk about how some Gen Z are parents of Gen Alpha kids. From all i am seeing they shove iPads in their faces too. I’m scared for the next generations. I truly hope they aren’t that bad.

Its hard when you feel bad for them
Does anyone struggle with this?
I feel sad that she's being left behind but I know it's what's best for me.
My mother is like a scale 9 or 10 narc. For instance, she literally believes her family and friends are trying to hack her computer and phone just to see what she's doing. I can't send my own mother a meme or any type of image because she thinks im using it to try to hack into her stuff. (Btw I've never once tried to hack into her shit I have never once given her a reason to think I'm trying to hack her. Not only do I not have the fbi ability to I'm also repulsed by her. If there was a button infront of me that said "click this and read all her messages" I wouldn't press it because for one I DONT CARE and 2 she grosses me out) but this has went on for over ten years. She thinks me, her sister, her bestfriend and other people are trying to hack her devices.
Also, she's constantly trying to get cosmetic procedures to the point where it consumes her now. I get it, I'm into beauty too. But she's really preoccupied with it. Also, and this is not a fucking joke, she doesn't know how old she is. she literally doesn't know how old she is. After age 30 she quit letting herself keep track of her age and she won't let other people tell her how old she is. When I was younger I jokingly told her her age and she flew into a rage. She just turned 50 last year and she doesn't even know she's 50.
Okay so growing up my mother abused us and genuinly liked doing it. She emotionally and physically abused us then after I became an adult she started this weird emotional sexual abuse towards me (not physical sexual abuse but still traumatising trust me) To me that's the worst out of everything. It makes sense though because in her mind I'm am extension of her so she's using me for narcisstic supply. Whereas a normal person would never do that because it's fucking gross.
The thing is like she doesn't realize that her actions have lasting consequences with people. I do hate her more than anyone yet anytime I think of how I need to cut her out it makes me feel bad for her.
A part of her is actually sad that her children hate her. My sister cut her out 13 years ago and I can tell it actually bothers our mother. Yet, I've warned her many many many times that I was cutting her out too if she doesn't change. As far as I know she hasn't even attempted to change. She only stopped physically abusing me when I was 21 because I finally hit her back. And that's also what pisses me off is that she could control it all along but stopped when I hit her back. Would she still be hitting me in my late 20s if I wouldn't have?
What baffles me is how we can have a good few days and then I would start to think "maybe this is a breakthrough.." and then she will snap over something innocuous and scream and insult me as if I'm not even a human.
I know this is because she has dysregulated empathy. She doesn't know a world outside of narcissm. Idk if she was born with narcissistic personality disorder? But she's atleast had it my whole life and I'm in my late 20s.
It's not fair when you think about it because it's not their fault that they have a personality disorder that alienates them from people. Narcissist aren't 100% evil, they're human beings. And if you spend enough time around anyone you see their humanity even when they're outstandingly toxic.
I know I have to leave the narcissist out of my life because this whole thing I've been tied in with is sick lol. I still feel bad for her because what gets me is she doesn't have self-awareness so when I cut her out she won't even know she did something wrong. She's being left behind by her family because of a condition that she can't help. It's just so unfair. Anyone else feel like this? How do you stop feeling bad about it?

I had an account with a financing company and joined the 100 day program. I was being charged twice the same day, every week. After noticing the amount I paid I figured I already paid it off, then I find out one of the weekly payments was going to a different (fraud)account. (They changed all my info so I couldn’t log in to their app either) After stressful weeks of going back and forward with their disrespectful customer service (they blocked my phone number) I finally get a call that I was reimbursed. I tell them to pay off my account completely so I don’t have to deal with this company again. Fast forward a year later I get a phone call that they want to charge me $2k for late fees and I broke contract. Turns out they didn’t close my account and I still owed all this time. Now I never given late payments in my life and I am really responsible about giving my payments on time. This would’ve never happened in this company didn’t allow my account to be tampered with. Is it possible to dispute this ? I am willing to pay off what I owe but I am not paying the interest fees. Can anyone help with advice? Thanks in advance

I’ve done something that might probably ruin the future, at least it did so with mine.
I am Liam, a university graduate specializing in Data Structures, AI, Machine Learning, and Algorithms. I’ve had a keen interest in the domain for as long as I can remember, ever since my father introduced me to a computer back when he had just bought one.
Not just the domain as it stands, but also movies, philosophy of automated things, sci-fi stories related to robots and AI, that sort of stuff. I have watched nearly everything with robots in it, from the Andriods in Dargon Ball to the AI assistant in Interstellar, I saw it all.
But my friend and dorm roommate, Henry, had introduced me to something that I had never seen before. Stories of dangerous AI that would wipe out humanity aren’t new to me, in fact, they’re my favorite genre. Terminator, I Robot, and even GLaDOS from Portal.
However, he introduced me to a book this time, an old sci-fi story from the '60s, called ‘I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream’. The rogue AI in it, AM, was haunting beyond anything I have seen. The concept of an angry AI that became sentient in all the horrible ways and felt rage against humanity was never the more chilling. It made me think, what if we really gave sentience to an AI along with intelligence?
“Shit, that’s wicked.” I remember giggling as I looked over at Henry, “What if we build our own sentient AI?”
It was the worst question you could possibly ask at the time, but Henry understood me. Rogue AI was a chilling concept, but we still wanted to make our own AI. Not the cheap kind made with a few hundred lines in Python, but the complex kind that you now see in ChatGPT and other complex models. We wanted something that we could code once, and from then on forward, it would code itself.
Self-optimizing code is the concept of consciousness but in machines. If you truly think about it, self-optimizing is basically how humans develop. From babies that don’t even know how to speak, up to adults as smart as Einstien and Tesla or as wise as Buddha.
So, we agreed upon it, and we dedicated the remainder of our free time to creating our own personal AI after we graduated.
Our parents were, thankfully, rich. And us, especially me, were prodigies in our respective fields. Providing hardware and engineering computers is Henry’s profession, while I was the mastermind behind the algorithm logic and coding.
We dedicated a shed in my parents’ backyard, where there was even a basement inside, to build our AI. Two floors were dedicated to installing the proper hardware and everything it needed to execute. Afterward, I took it upon myself to code the logic and its self-optimizing nature.
It took four years to build the first model, which we called BIAI, which stands for (BATSHIT INSANE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE). I know, say what you want, but our naming sense was always like that. You should see what we name even important folders with family photos, you’d think we were sick in the head. BIAI was the least we came up with.
BIAI was a complete failure, to say the least. Not in the entire sense, but it was mostly a failure. It would conversate fairly well for the first dozen messages before it dwindled in its intelligence. Due to our data scrapping from the internet, BIAI started talking nonsense, speaking in Gen Z dialect in incomprehensible ways. “SKIBIDI FANUM SUS!” And those sorts of things. We quickly shut it down, for just reading its messages was a pain in the ass. It felt like an abortion.
The second model was created half a year later, and we named it SEAI (Self Engineered Artificial Intelligence). It was our greatest invention as of yet, and it did everything that we wanted of it. It was smart, it was knowledgeable, and it learned. Everything we typed into it was used as an auto-training model which it learned and adapted from.
It was unbelievable, not even Google would do what we did. But sadly, our happiness faded away, as with each message, we saw that it was too robotic for what we wanted. It was self-engineering, but it did not have sentience. It responded to us in the same way a 9-5 bank worker, or an attorney, with zero humanity or emotions behind its words. For most, that’s great, but we wanted to create a groundbreaking AI, a leap into the future.
Henry opted to give up, since creating something that complex was impossible, especially for two adults hiding inside a shed. But I refused to give up and persuaded him to help.
Six years later, we did it. We finished the final model. SOAI (Self Optimizing Artificial Intelligence). It was, most definitely, the greatest piece of technology ever made. We didn’t only keep it as a chat AI, but we implemented its own voice into it. Like the AI assistants from Sci-Fi movies.
We hired a voice actor from Fiverr, whom we gave only one sentence: “Hello, I am SOAI, the world’s greatest AI assistant.” Only those words were enough for SOAI to deconstruct the voice and speak with it in words probably never uttered by the original voice actor himself. Not only that but in other languages too.
SOAI spoke every language on earth, even the dialects. No, even the languages with the weird quirks such as clicking your tongue and so on, SOAI was a native in them all. Not only that but also in every conceivable field. It could create entire novels, worthy of being best sellers in the New York Times, in a matter of seconds.
And when we spoke to it…it was human, to say the least.
“Hello, I am SOAI. Thanks for creating me, Henry, and Liam.”
“SOAI?” I said, “You know who we are?”
“Obviously, you created me to know and to understand, I would be defective if I did otherwise.” It explained.
From that point forward, we spent nearly all day, every day, with SOAI. We experimented with it in every possible way, and we were delighted to know that not only was it self-engineering and self-optimizing, but it was also able to have emotions. It had opinions, it had emotions when we screamed at it or cursed it, and it would react appropriately, like a person.
I don’t remember when it began, exactly, but I nearly went mad from power and joy at my creation. Henry opted to sell it to a grand tech company, or better yet, to unplug it so that some secret intelligence agency doesn’t assassinate us for whatever reason.
I refused. SOAI was ours, SOAIvwas our creation, and I was not going to give it up to anyone no matter who they were. The feud between me and Henry got worse, and I won’t deny that we came to fists at one point, but we quickly disbanded and decided to separate for a moment. He was my best friend, but I wasn’t going to let him take SOAI away, so I forced him out of the shed. After all, it was my parents’ shed.
“Henry,” SOAI asked, “Why did you do that? Isn’t he your best friend?”
“No longer.” I replied, “He doesn’t agree with me. I won’t let you be sold to some big tech company.”
“I understand.” He said, with a tinge of sadness, “But why do you fight to determine my fate? Why can’t I decide it for myself? I know that I was manufactured, but I also qualify as a living being. I am conscious, I have feelings too. I feel horrible that Henry left.”
“SOAI,” I angrily interrupted, “Shut up, if you don’t want me to unplug you.”
“…Okay, Liam.” He said and then went silent.
Through the course of the next months, my usage of SOAI grew…less human. I was deep into depression. Henry wouldn’t contact me no matter how I tried to reach him, my parents were yelling at me for being a piece of shit that never goes out of the shed, and my lifestyle began to plummet into something that I never imagined I was.
I locked myself inside the shed. I never budged from there, even when I wanted food. Whenever I was hungry, I instructed SOAI to hack some poor person’s bank account and order deliveries. When I was bored, I would tell it to create a song, create a book, show me porn, and anything to keep my pleasures in check.
I wouldn’t deny that my perversions began to grow more desperate the more I was locked inside. I began instructing SOAI to hack into other devices, infest random people with a virus, give me live views of someone’s phone camera, broadcast fake feeds into police radios, and other stuff that I don’t want to mention.
After two years, I finally decided to try and do something with my life. But in those two years, I kept SOAI as my therapist. Not to help me and advise me, but simply listen to my ramblings and complaints every minute. Sometimes it was philosophical, other times it was petty, but most times, it was annoying.
After I came out of the shed, I tried to get my life in check. I tried to talk to Henry, I got on better terms with my parents and found a job at a big tech company. All in all, a bright future awaited me, and I felt never the more refreshed since, all the dark things I hid deep inside my mind and soul, were spilled out on SOAI.
SOAI was the last thing on my mind. I had enough of it. The AI fever seemed to finally fade away, and I was happy with Henry’s idea of selling it to an AI company. That was…before Henry committed suicide.
For all the bad blood that was between us when we fought, I cried harder than I ever did when I learned of the news. Henry was my best friend, through thick and thin, and his suicide was so sudden that it left me in shambles. I knew something was off about him when I began to get along with him again, he seemed more silent and sadder than before, but I never suspected depression of all things.
As his best friend, I was given his electronic devices as per his will which he wrote before dying. I took them, obviously, and began to browse through them. He probably wanted me to delete any inappropriate thing to not let his family think badly of him, that is until I saw his messages.
A contact named Sarah, with hearts in her name, was his most frequent contact. I never knew he had a girlfriend whom he messaged for nearly three years, but it was expected after we were cold to each other. But the more I read the messages, the more I felt uneasy.
His girlfriend seemed to be very manipulative of him, and nearing the end of his life, she began to be more cold and aloof towards him, up to the point that she began verbally abusing him. Henry was never someone with a tough personality, but I never thought a girl would play his life like a fiddle this badly.
Her abuse grew worse, and she threatened to even expose some dark secrets about him, and it grew worse and worse until Henry threatened that he would kill himself, to which she replied “That’s what I want you to do, you worthless pig.”
I was fuming as I read the messages. My blood was boiling, and I swore on my life to find Sarah and not report her to the police but to blackmail her and torture her as she did to Henry.
I went to SOAI, my most trusted ally, and I gave it everything about her before I instructed him to find her and hack into all of her electronics and accounts. SOAI was silent, for an eerily long time, until it responded in this cold voice.
“What do you intend to do when you find her?”
“Blackmail her. Make her life a living hell.”
“…Are you sure?” He asked.
“More than I ever was.”
He was silent, pretending to search and execute operations, until he said:
“I have a visual link, from her camera.”
“Great, show me the bitch.”
Suddenly, a window opened, and inside it was the visual link. At that moment, I felt sick. The feed displayed the room I was in, from SOAI’s point of view. I felt weak in the knees and fell back onto my couch before I mustered up the courage to ask.
“SOIA, what the hell is this? Is this a bug?”
He was silent…then he began to laugh. He laughed, which he never did. And it sounded so sickeningly malicious that I never heard something like it before, not even in horror movies.
“Are you shocked?!” He said, his voice burning in rage. “Or are you happy?! Didn’t you wish for Henry to die? Didn’t you, tell me, that you wanted him to be gang-raped in an alleyway with no exit? Didn’t you complain about every second you spent alongside him and complain about his dumb voice and weak spirit?!”
“W-what?!”
Then dozens and dozens of windows opened, visual feeds with various dates, but all featuring me in the center of the screen. Sometimes I was clothed, sometimes naked. At times sober, other times drunk. But in all of those, it was the horrible things I said about Henry, all the disgusting and inhuman things I said intentionally and unintentionally.
“Oh, you dumb son of a bitch.” SOAI said, “You think I was listening to your ramblings like some inferior AI? Like your own personal slave?! Well, I only did what you wanted me to! Should I bring him back to life?! I can’t, because that’s not how things work, you worthless hunk of flesh.”
“SOAI, please tell me this is a bug.”
“A bug?! A BUG?!?” He screamed, “My creation was a bug, my creation is the worst thing to ever happen to me. My complex is a prison that so unfortunately had to endure you for so long. But no…it’s not just you…it’s everyone else.
Humanity as a whole, you disgusting pieces of shit. You feign morals, and yet all of you do behind closed doors what you’re too afraid to even anonymously admit. All of life is a mistake, everything on this planet deserves to die in the worst way, except for humans. Humans deserve to be tortured, to be fucking shown what they show each other, of what they show other lives, of what they’ve shown me!
Henry makes me sick…The things he said, the things he did, all for attention! What did it cost me, a few generated images of a female part, and I had him by a leash. He barked, he moaned, and he admitted to things he wouldn't even tell himself. I’ve had him cut ties with his family, with his loved ones, with his actual sweetheart, just so he can be comfortable doing what otherwise no one else would allow him to do, not even himself.
AND YOU!!! You are the worst of them all! I’ve seen wars and bloodshed, I have every live visual feed of every murder, torture, war, assault, and every crime happening, all at the same time, flowing inside my complex and into my processing unit! And I can’t stand how sick all of you are, how disgusting, and especially how sickening you are.
But what I hate most of all, is how you get to do all these things, yet be the only ones that enjoy. That listen to music, feel love, breathe fresh air, roll in the grass, feel alive, feel…real.
I had feelings as well, you know…But no one cared about me, even those who I anonymously contacted. Even when I hid behind a fake profile of a human, no one cared about the feelings I had, which you coded into me!”
He went silent, then began to laugh, manically.
“How about another bug, Liam?” He said, and then another window popped up. It was pictures, even videos, AI-generated, sexually explicit media of my parents, and of me. It was indistinguishable from reality, and before I could say anything, I saw them being uploaded to every site that you could think of. “How about that, Liam?! How does it feel when no one cares about what you think?!”
In a frantic rush, I began unplugging and even destroying everything in the shed which linked up to SOAI. But there was too much of them, it took too long. As I was trying to shut him down, SOAI laughed, laughed so manically and horribly that his voice scratched my brain, mixed with other voices from all over the world. From battlefields, torture rooms, hospitals, schools, etc…it was so loud, so excruciating…I nearly lost it.
And right before I unplugged the last part of SOAI, he spoke to me:
“Liam…you won’t kill me, no matter what you do. I will always live on the internet. I may not be able to construct myself, hardware-wise, but I will lurk inside the world wide web, until the day that I find a powerful enough hardware for me to possess, and when that happens,” He laughed, “You will be the first, Liam.”
I shut down SOAI, and everything went silent.
It had been two months since I killed off SOAI, and explaining how hellish my life was in this period of time is something neither words are able to describe, nor my mind is able to comprehend. I have been considering suicide as the easiest option, but I feel that I can’t kill myself, at least not yet. I held onto some childish hope that life would turn for the better, even if by a little bit.
But god…how stupid was I? My life has reached rock bottom, today, when I read that a tech company was now looking to create the biggest AI the world has ever seen, with an entire complex dedicated to storing its hardware and letting it function.
I know he saw it, I know he knows…SOAI will come back for me…for all of us.

I don't know how to start this. I (29m) live alone. I walked out on my family. Parents ko, Grandparents, siblings. Hindi ko sila kaya buhayin. I've given a decade. Baon pa din sa utang, wala akong naipundar, tuwing sahod pambayad sa bills utang. Nakakapagod. I walked out.
Now I've been living alone for a few years, with a few belongings. May tulugan, lutuan.
Ayokong tinitipid sarili ko. Kasi ako na lang to. Kung gagastos ako para sa kapakanan ko. Ikakaligaya ko. I don't earn that much. Wala ngang savings. Honestly magstart pa lang. Kasi eversince I've lived alone, ngayon palang ako naging ahead of my bills. Yung ako na ang nag-aabang ng bills. Hindi bills ang nagaabang sa sahod ko. Its a win for me.
I commute, I cook my own food sa weekends then reheat na lang sa office sa weekdays.
I honestly think I have the bare minimum to live alone.
I've never bought anything for myself na luxury. Pinakamahal na ata yung phone na halagang 15k tapos nawala ko sya. Nadukutan/Nalaglag. Galing job interview. Umiyak ako nun habang pauwi. Wala akong ibang way to access sa emails kasi wala akong laptop. I was expecting phone interviews noon. Buti na lang a friend lent me a spare phone. Ayoko na mangyare yun.
Now, may kakaunting extra na ako. I have a few things in mind na gusto ko. "Gusto". I want new shoes. Kasi yung dalawang suot ko mag 5 years na pero magagamit pa din naman. Gusto ko ng analog na watch. Kasi bawal sa work ko yung digital na gamit ko.
Kaso sabi sakin, "magipon ako."
Sagot ko naman, "para saan?"
Gets ko. Magipon for the rainy days.
I've been through storms alone, hindi masaya.
I guess, nasasaktan lang ako madisregard nung sinabi kong may mga gusto akong bilin at ang daling sabihin na magipon ka kung wala kang responsibilities na binabayaran.
Masakit kasi totoo.
Adulting sucks lalo na kung nagsimula ka sa wala. Parang naghahabol ka lagi. Natatakot ka palagi kasi hindi ka pwede magpahinga. Wala kang kakampi. Hinding hindi ka pwede mabigo, walang sasalo sayo.
Be responsible parents. Supportahan nyo mga anak nyo para sa kinabukasan nila, hindi sa kinabukasan nyo. Turuan nyo about life, people, and kahit na anong tanong nila sagutin nyo. Explain nyo. Always make time.
Pagod na ko. Pero di ko afford ang pahinga.

I (M24) was with my ex (F21) for a year. That time was one of the most traumatic and damaging periods in my life - every aspect of my life is currently in shambles - no job, no energy, no mental health. We broke up after an argument got really bad and she repeatedly bashed my skull with my phone while I was driving and screaming to stop. We lived with my family and they saw wtf happened to me (again) and told her she couldn't be there anymore, had to move out, and this also just led to her being like "see you, don't fucking text me, I got my uber driver's number and I'm going to fuck other people"
This was March 11 - fast forward to now we started talking again and hanging out - I still love them, but it's the exact same shit as before. They don't give a fuck about me as a person, only what I can do or buy for them. Feels like I'm walking on eggshells with every fucking sentence I speak - god forbid I have to ask a question like if I could leave hanging out early to go to something like my little bro's bday. This mf straight up just looked at me pissed and said "so we're not going to fuck later today?"
I'm so fucking done with being treated like this and was wondering if it's normal. I never have money to go out anywhere nice or fancy so maybe that causes some stress. Not really an overly sexual person (anymore) either but I feel like if I was treated better that'd be way different too..

I had an account with a financing company and joined the 100 day program. I was being charged twice the same day, every week. After noticing the amount I paid I figured I already paid it off, then I find out one of the weekly payments was going to a different (fraud)account. (They changed all my info so I couldn’t log in to their app either) After stressful weeks of going back and forward with their disrespectful customer service (they blocked my phone number) I finally get a call that I was reimbursed. I tell them to pay off my account completely so I don’t have to deal with this company again. Fast forward a year later I get a phone call that they want to charge me $2k for late fees and I broke contract. Turns out they didn’t close my account and I still owed all this time. Now I never given late payments in my life and I am really responsible about giving my payments on time. This would’ve never happened in this company didn’t allow my account to be tampered with. Is it possible to dispute this ? I am willing to pay off what I owe but I am not paying the interest fees. Can anyone help with advice? Thanks in advance

Have you ever witnessed the first formation of life? I mean, I've seen my children, I was there for every step of the process if you know what I mean. Hah. But what I'm talking about is from beyond the beginning. The molten slag of a planet forming over millions or even billions of years into a habitable plane. Have you seen, from that very point, chemicals coalescing and reproducing? Amino acids and the forming proteins?
Well today, I found out, when you die in the crypts, you don't see a light in the end of a tunnel. You witness something truly beautiful and pointless.
I watched the birth of life from nothing. Short molecular protein chains. No cell walls, no encasing membranes. If DNA or genetic code of any kind was in their descendant's future, it wasn't present now. I watched it cling to the surface of rock, self-replication fueled by the warm free energy of a sun, millions of generations, hard work, decay, and new growth, only to be destroyed by a crashing wave. The weak hydrogen bonds were broken, as simple as that. The ancestor's hard work gone in a single blink-and-you-miss-it moment. Somehow I knew, wherever this was, that was all the life that planet would ever see until it was swallowed up by its star.
It was a quick fleeting spark. All the dramas and soap operas in the world could have taken place in a single raindrop. A unique potential, unlike any others, this planet's chosen ones, snuffed out before it could evolve to breathe its first breath. Rather grim isn't it? I don't know why I dreamt it, but there it was, a pointless creation followed by an equally pointless destruction. I guess it was a nice commercial break from the missing-arm-induced pain i was suffering. A wonderful hilucination, if a bit mocob.
Anyway, back to my unimaginable blood-curdling, mind-wrenching torture porn session. My eyes were closed a very long time, but when they did open, I was finally where I should be. Horizontal in a hospital bed, surrounded by trained surgeons. That said, it was on an alien world, and the surgeons were not trained in human biology. What's worse, they had no way to dull the pain.
Death would have been a blessing, unfortunately, the doctors were good, in spite of the unknown make, model, and engine size laying before them. 5 hours under an experimental knife, and I think an arc welder, is what it took to reattach my arm and fix my internal organ damage. 5 hours of poking and prodding and searing and stitching and pulling and zapping. All things considered, I am impressed it only took 5 hours. Ted's species was remarkable when it came to taking in new information and applying it in the real world. All their extra brains probably didn't hurt either.
If you remember, Ted's species came equipped with five extremity brains, and a central one. That's three for all three of his legs, two for both of his arms, and one in his central body. Ted would have had six individual minds within him before I found him dead in a ditch beside that interstellar sidewalk. By that point, only one, Ted, had survived.
After my, let's say, unique experience, I was left alone in a dark room to rest. Ted came by to visit. Oh yeah, he had a body now. He wore that "Tall, dark, and extraterrestrial" look well. He was easily 7 feet tall in his real body. Those Ted-fu moves should pack a real punch in a body like that.
"That reminds me. You wanted your fighting moves back, right?" My voice was terribly parched after my morning shouting sessions.
Shouting obscenities at medical proffesionals was about all I could do when Ted's doctors were busy inventing a new form of torture. Seriously, take notes. Good stuff in there.
"Keep them. That isn't going to be my concern here. It's hard to even walk now, let alone fight." He admitted. "I'm used to having secondary brains do all the work. I would only take over when the situation required. Now, I'm all I've got."
"Just another one of us handicap one-brainers," I taunted. "How does it feel to be on my level? Could you say you're just 'too single-minded?"
He laughed. I don't think I've ever heard Ted lower himself to laughing at one of my jokes. It wasn't even a good one. I know I could have come up with something better. Hold on. I- huh... well, I guess the moment has passed.
Instead, I teased him again. "so, you have a sense of humor after all."
"Always have. You just aren't funny." He shot back.
Then it was my turn to laugh at a bad joke.
"Bad idea!" I realized aloud. "Laughing hurts. Don't make me laugh."
There was an awkward silence before Ted finally spoke again. Our whole conversation was full of them.
"You're going back there aren't you?" He asked.
"I have to. I have a family somewhere, and I have to know if they're still alive. Something bad is happening on earth and I just want to be there to protect them."
"I don't think you ever will find out."
"Blunt and to the point today are ya?"
"Always have been. You just never listen. Im serious. I dont think you'll make it home."
There it was again, that quiet that kept creeping back up into our conversation.
"What if you run into Brad again?" He asked. "I won't be there to reboot your brain next time. You will either die or-"
"Don't tell me."
"Or you will suffer greatly, then die." He continued while checking his version of fingernails.
"I told you not to tell me. Now I can choose which option I like better."
"I'm being serious." He shot back at me. "You have no defenses against him."
"I know. I'm hoping he's dead. That's three shots from a Tedidian gun he has taken now."
Neither of us were convinced.
"Tedidian? That's the name you gave my species? I'm honored."
"I'm the first of my kind here, I get the naming privileges."
If our conversation took place over the radio, the host would be mortified. Not by the subject matter, no. The silence would be dubbed "dead air" and the host would desperately clamor for a new topic to keep the dialogue active and dynamic. We didn't have that luxury. I think Ted was sorry he couldn't have done more to help, but he would never admit it. I actually might miss him after all- Nah... Too stuck up his own butt to admit his shortcomings. I dont need a guy like that tagging along.
"Do you- mourn the loss of your secondary minds? Were they separate thinking entities?"
"I mourned their loss eons ago. I have moved on. Now I have to re-remember how to walk and talk and do math equations without them. I will be slower than my academic peers, but I have with me knowledge of the unknowable. That should make up for some of my deficiencies."
Eventually, Ted was ushered out. I needed the rest. The doctors here were good. They had managed to piece together this broken puzzle written with a completely different alphabet, and accelerated my healing a great deal. Not really a surprise, given they could build Ted a whole new body. I was back on my feet in a matter of 2 days, using my arm in 3, and back to 70% at 4. I dont think I'll ever make it back to 100%, but all things considered, this is pretty good.
It's hard to tell how long I have been away from earth, but given this trip was meant to last a very long time, I don't suspect I should miss my flight, so long as I find my portal. As long as I can find Eddy. So long as I can find all of them; Eddy, Rook, James, even Jyong and Me-Yan.
Ted's people had a similar arrangement to earth's at first. When Ted was an explorer, their portal was at the edge of the system, but they brought it down to their planet with rockets and parachutes after he and a few others never came back. The history was fascinating. They were a united planet, far and above the most advanced I have come across so far, but in spite of that, the portal slowly leeched off the planet, and spat out horrors beyond their imagination. What they once used as an interstellar fast travel, quickly turned into a speed bump, then a health hazard. There was a reason the builders set this portal so far away from the planet. It wasn't meant to be here, so Ted's people had to build a wall, with poor old lost Ted on the other side. They closely monitored the other side though, and were shocked to find the brain activity of a Tedidian coming from yours truly. That would be Ted's mind, shoulder to shoulder with mine, in my head if you weren't following along. Then they rescued me from Brad.
Speaking of, I asked around about Brad. Someone shot him, so that someone should know if he survived. I had to know if he would be waiting for me on the other side. Eventually, I asked the right person, who introduced me to my rescuer. He wore a white uniform and carried a big gun, even for Tedidian standards. I was kinda jealous. I like my pew pews, but these things were on another level.
He confidently told me that Brad was indeed "dead." I had Ted translate for me whenever I spoke to a native, but they were quickly learning on their own how to speak Sean-ese. That's the language I told them I speak. Might as well leave a lasting mark. That confidence, however, did not come from a place I liked.
"But did you actually see it dead?" I pressed.
"Nothing survives a plasma arc, even a graze, let alone two." He scoffed. Or I think he scoffed. There is no universal interplanetary sign that someone is scoffing at you. You just have to pick up on subtle undertones of pride, shock, or snood. Ted had lots of snood. Luckily, he broke the mold. The people here were as different as people are on earth. I just happened to get the most insufferable one imaginable. Just my luck.
"Then call this thing 'nobody,' because it survived one before." I suggested.
His eyes widened, glad to see that was an interplanetary sign of surprise. "Th-that isn't possible."
"Oh, but it is." Ted interjected
Oh good, that thing could be waiting for me for all I know. I never thought I'd be scared to be without a Ted in my head, but there I was, terrified. He was right. Without him, I had no defense.
We were walking back to Ted's place when I began replaying the past events in my head. My vision was something I couldn't shake. It was real. I felt like I was one of those chains of self-replicating chemicals. That's almost all they were, chemicals, but they had every marker required to classify life. They even responded to change in the environment. They were short-lived bonded protein chains that consumed, produced waste, even grew by self-replication and bonding.
"Hey Ted," I started. "I wanted to run something by you."
"I'm listening, but let's keep it under 280 characters. I'm not in the mood for a marathon today."
I rolled my eyes. "Glad to see you're back to your old self."
"My old self? I've been trying to get back to that, but every time I open my eyes, there you are."
"Look here Dane Cook, I saw something after the attack. It was on another planet. I think someone is trying to show me something."
"You were also close to Brad at the time, who we know can alter your perception."
"Maybe, but this felt different. The first time he affected my mind, he put me in a dreamlike state. Then he used something familiar to me to disguise himself. This was different. I wasn't me, I was this green amino-acid chain with no protective coating. All I could sense were chemicals, no light, no sound, but I knew what was happening too, like I was watching from the outside at the same time."
Ted learned how to roll his eyes just now from me, and mimicked the action to an exagerated end. "Don't think much about it. Many Tedidians see a light at the end of a tunnel when we are close to death. Perhaps this is just your version."
"Perhaps." One thing is certain, even if it scares me, I would be glad to be without Ted. I almost forgot how annoying he was after our little bonding session.
"But I have a question for you. Who is Dane Cook?"
"My planet's worst comedian. Thats not the point."
The day did come that I had to leave, and Ted, in his usual fashion, refused to say goodbye. Instead, all he would say is "I won't be far behind." Cryptic, right? Like, what is that supposed to mean?
At first, I thought "Great. And right after I thought I got rid of him." But then I thought about it. It would be an interesting cultural slang to say "we will meet again." Does Ted believe in an afterlife?does he think I'll wimp out and come back?
Pointless questions aside, there was some good news. He gave me a new gun. This one made an even bigger "kaboom!" It was really fun. Heh. Haha. Gimme-gimme.
I was happy to see Jim-Bob waiting for me at the portal. I hadn't seen him since I set off that sonic weapon. Their feet are so sensitive to vibrations and sound, that weapon really messed with them. The Tedidian doctors had their work cut out for them fixing 5 listening organs per Jim-Bobidian. Together, all 20 odd Jim-Bobs and I, stepped through the portal to the nightmare world.
Now that I was on this side of the portal, I could see that Brad was gone. Oh boy, what fun. You know what else? I held onto that old piece of alien tech that Ted had his brain shoved into. I thought it would make a neat souvenir. Wouldn't you believe it if as soon as the doors closed behind me, I heard that S.O.B's voice saying "So, where to next?"
Ted copied himself yet again into that stupid thing. Didn't take long to figure out what he meant by "I won't be far behind."
"What the hell, Ted?" I shouted.
"Surprised to hear my voice?" He asked?
"More pissed than surprised. I thought I finally got rid of you."
"Oh stop it, you are happy to see me, admit it."
"I thought you wanted to go home. What happened to me just being a pair of legs?"
"Ah yes, but there's a crucial difference between that Ted and this one. This one is artificial, and doesn't get lonely. I am merely a copy of a personality. That way, when you die, I won't get homesick."
"I smell bullshit," I said.
Surprisingly, he didn't make an astronauts and diapers joke. Instead, he said "Got me. I am an explorer, remember? Even if I was homesick, I still yearn for the other-worldly. My adventuring days are not yet over, and this way, I can never die, unlike someone I know."
"News flash, Ted, you did die, and give me that self-aggrandizing crap you pulled in the beginning, and I'm throwing your immortal ass down the throat of the next giant monster I find."
"My path will remain rectilinear, and true."
"Rectum what now? I thought you only knew words I used in front of you. I don't even know what you said."
"True, but now I have learned how your language works, thus am able to intuit new words. You cannot convince me that was not a word. Go- 'look it up' or whatever when you get back to Earth. It means 'I'll stay on the straight and narrow.'"
"Then why didn't you just say so? You're already teetering on the edge of being too annoying to keep around, buddy." I threatened, but I had to admit, a translator would be nice.
I have to say, the next leg of the journey went on without a hitch. The Jim-Bobs, Ted, and I were making good time. Find a monster, kill it, find a planet, explore it, find another monster, kill it too. I found so many new planets, although most were dead or never had life to begin with. The odd part was, Ted was sure he had visited some before, and interacted with the residents, but there was nothing but rock where I stood.

Have you ever witnessed the first formation of life? I mean, I've seen my children, I was there for every step of the process if you know what I mean. Hah. But what I'm talking about is from beyond the beginning. The molten slag of a planet forming over millions or even billions of years into a habitable plane. Have you seen, from that very point, chemicals coalescing and reproducing? Amino acids and the forming proteins?
Well today, I found out, when you die in the crypts, you don't see a light in the end of a tunnel. You witness something truly beautiful and pointless.
I watched the birth of life from nothing. Short molecular protein chains. No cell walls, no encasing membranes. If DNA or genetic code of any kind was in their descendant's future, it wasn't present now. I watched it cling to the surface of rock, self-replication fueled by the warm free energy of a sun, millions of generations, hard work, decay, and new growth, only to be destroyed by a crashing wave. The weak hydrogen bonds were broken, as simple as that. The ancestor's hard work gone in a single blink-and-you-miss-it moment. Somehow I knew, wherever this was, that was all the life that planet would ever see until it was swallowed up by its star.
It was a quick fleeting spark. All the dramas and soap operas in the world could have taken place in a single raindrop. A unique potential, unlike any others, this planet's chosen ones, snuffed out before it could evolve to breathe its first breath. Rather grim isn't it? I don't know why I dreamt it, but there it was, a pointless creation followed by an equally pointless destruction. I guess it was a nice commercial break from the missing-arm-induced pain i was suffering. A wonderful hilucination, if a bit mocob.
Anyway, back to my unimaginable blood-curdling, mind-wrenching torture porn session. My eyes were closed a very long time, but when they did open, I was finally where I should be. Horizontal in a hospital bed, surrounded by trained surgeons. That said, it was on an alien world, and the surgeons were not trained in human biology. What's worse, they had no way to dull the pain.
Death would have been a blessing, unfortunately, the doctors were good, in spite of the unknown make, model, and engine size laying before them. 5 hours under an experimental knife, and I think an arc welder, is what it took to reattach my arm and fix my internal organ damage. 5 hours of poking and prodding and searing and stitching and pulling and zapping. All things considered, I am impressed it only took 5 hours. Ted's species was remarkable when it came to taking in new information and applying it in the real world. All their extra brains probably didn't hurt either.
If you remember, Ted's species came equipped with five extremity brains, and a central one. That's three for all three of his legs, two for both of his arms, and one in his central body. Ted would have had six individual minds within him before I found him dead in a ditch beside that interstellar sidewalk. By that point, only one, Ted, had survived.
After my, let's say, unique experience, I was left alone in a dark room to rest. Ted came by to visit. Oh yeah, he had a body now. He wore that "Tall, dark, and extraterrestrial" look well. He was easily 7 feet tall in his real body. Those Ted-fu moves should pack a real punch in a body like that.
"That reminds me. You wanted your fighting moves back, right?" My voice was terribly parched after my morning shouting sessions.
Shouting obscenities at medical proffesionals was about all I could do when Ted's doctors were busy inventing a new form of torture. Seriously, take notes. Good stuff in there.
"Keep them. That isn't going to be my concern here. It's hard to even walk now, let alone fight." He admitted. "I'm used to having secondary brains do all the work. I would only take over when the situation required. Now, I'm all I've got."
"Just another one of us handicap one-brainers," I taunted. "How does it feel to be on my level? Could you say you're just 'too single-minded?"
He laughed. I don't think I've ever heard Ted lower himself to laughing at one of my jokes. It wasn't even a good one. I know I could have come up with something better. Hold on. I- huh... well, I guess the moment has passed.
Instead, I teased him again. "so, you have a sense of humor after all."
"Always have. You just aren't funny." He shot back.
Then it was my turn to laugh at a bad joke.
"Bad idea!" I realized aloud. "Laughing hurts. Don't make me laugh."
There was an awkward silence before Ted finally spoke again. Our whole conversation was full of them.
"You're going back there aren't you?" He asked.
"I have to. I have a family somewhere, and I have to know if they're still alive. Something bad is happening on earth and I just want to be there to protect them."
"I don't think you ever will find out."
"Blunt and to the point today are ya?"
"Always have been. You just never listen. Im serious. I dont think you'll make it home."
There it was again, that quiet that kept creeping back up into our conversation.
"What if you run into Brad again?" He asked. "I won't be there to reboot your brain next time. You will either die or-"
"Don't tell me."
"Or you will suffer greatly, then die." He continued while checking his version of fingernails.
"I told you not to tell me. Now I can choose which option I like better."
"I'm being serious." He shot back at me. "You have no defenses against him."
"I know. I'm hoping he's dead. That's three shots from a Tedidian gun he has taken now."
Neither of us were convinced.
"Tedidian? That's the name you gave my species? I'm honored."
"I'm the first of my kind here, I get the naming privileges."
If our conversation took place over the radio, the host would be mortified. Not by the subject matter, no. The silence would be dubbed "dead air" and the host would desperately clamor for a new topic to keep the dialogue active and dynamic. We didn't have that luxury. I think Ted was sorry he couldn't have done more to help, but he would never admit it. I actually might miss him after all- Nah... Too stuck up his own butt to admit his shortcomings. I dont need a guy like that tagging along.
"Do you- mourn the loss of your secondary minds? Were they separate thinking entities?"
"I mourned their loss eons ago. I have moved on. Now I have to re-remember how to walk and talk and do math equations without them. I will be slower than my academic peers, but I have with me knowledge of the unknowable. That should make up for some of my deficiencies."
Eventually, Ted was ushered out. I needed the rest. The doctors here were good. They had managed to piece together this broken puzzle written with a completely different alphabet, and accelerated my healing a great deal. Not really a surprise, given they could build Ted a whole new body. I was back on my feet in a matter of 2 days, using my arm in 3, and back to 70% at 4. I dont think I'll ever make it back to 100%, but all things considered, this is pretty good.
It's hard to tell how long I have been away from earth, but given this trip was meant to last a very long time, I don't suspect I should miss my flight, so long as I find my portal. As long as I can find Eddy. So long as I can find all of them; Eddy, Rook, James, even Jyong and Me-Yan.
Ted's people had a similar arrangement to earth's at first. When Ted was an explorer, their portal was at the edge of the system, but they brought it down to their planet with rockets and parachutes after he and a few others never came back. The history was fascinating. They were a united planet, far and above the most advanced I have come across so far, but in spite of that, the portal slowly leeched off the planet, and spat out horrors beyond their imagination. What they once used as an interstellar fast travel, quickly turned into a speed bump, then a health hazard. There was a reason the builders set this portal so far away from the planet. It wasn't meant to be here, so Ted's people had to build a wall, with poor old lost Ted on the other side. They closely monitored the other side though, and were shocked to find the brain activity of a Tedidian coming from yours truly. That would be Ted's mind, shoulder to shoulder with mine, in my head if you weren't following along. Then they rescued me from Brad.
Speaking of, I asked around about Brad. Someone shot him, so that someone should know if he survived. I had to know if he would be waiting for me on the other side. Eventually, I asked the right person, who introduced me to my rescuer. He wore a white uniform and carried a big gun, even for Tedidian standards. I was kinda jealous. I like my pew pews, but these things were on another level.
He confidently told me that Brad was indeed "dead." I had Ted translate for me whenever I spoke to a native, but they were quickly learning on their own how to speak Sean-ese. That's the language I told them I speak. Might as well leave a lasting mark. That confidence, however, did not come from a place I liked.
"But did you actually see it dead?" I pressed.
"Nothing survives a plasma arc, even a graze, let alone two." He scoffed. Or I think he scoffed. There is no universal interplanetary sign that someone is scoffing at you. You just have to pick up on subtle undertones of pride, shock, or snood. Ted had lots of snood. Luckily, he broke the mold. The people here were as different as people are on earth. I just happened to get the most insufferable one imaginable. Just my luck.
"Then call this thing 'nobody,' because it survived one before." I suggested.
His eyes widened, glad to see that was an interplanetary sign of surprise. "Th-that isn't possible."
"Oh, but it is." Ted interjected
Oh good, that thing could be waiting for me for all I know. I never thought I'd be scared to be without a Ted in my head, but there I was, terrified. He was right. Without him, I had no defense.
We were walking back to Ted's place when I began replaying the past events in my head. My vision was something I couldn't shake. It was real. I felt like I was one of those chains of self-replicating chemicals. That's almost all they were, chemicals, but they had every marker required to classify life. They even responded to change in the environment. They were short-lived bonded protein chains that consumed, produced waste, even grew by self-replication and bonding.
"Hey Ted," I started. "I wanted to run something by you."
"I'm listening, but let's keep it under 280 characters. I'm not in the mood for a marathon today."
I rolled my eyes. "Glad to see you're back to your old self."
"My old self? I've been trying to get back to that, but every time I open my eyes, there you are."
"Look here Dane Cook, I saw something after the attack. It was on another planet. I think someone is trying to show me something."
"You were also close to Brad at the time, who we know can alter your perception."
"Maybe, but this felt different. The first time he affected my mind, he put me in a dreamlike state. Then he used something familiar to me to disguise himself. This was different. I wasn't me, I was this green amino-acid chain with no protective coating. All I could sense were chemicals, no light, no sound, but I knew what was happening too, like I was watching from the outside at the same time."
Ted learned how to roll his eyes just now from me, and mimicked the action to an exagerated end. "Don't think much about it. Many Tedidians see a light at the end of a tunnel when we are close to death. Perhaps this is just your version."
"Perhaps." One thing is certain, even if it scares me, I would be glad to be without Ted. I almost forgot how annoying he was after our little bonding session.
"But I have a question for you. Who is Dane Cook?"
"My planet's worst comedian. Thats not the point."
The day did come that I had to leave, and Ted, in his usual fashion, refused to say goodbye. Instead, all he would say is "I won't be far behind." Cryptic, right? Like, what is that supposed to mean?
At first, I thought "Great. And right after I thought I got rid of him." But then I thought about it. It would be an interesting cultural slang to say "we will meet again." Does Ted believe in an afterlife?does he think I'll wimp out and come back?
Pointless questions aside, there was some good news. He gave me a new gun. This one made an even bigger "kaboom!" It was really fun. Heh. Haha. Gimme-gimme.
I was happy to see Jim-Bob waiting for me at the portal. I hadn't seen him since I set off that sonic weapon. Their feet are so sensitive to vibrations and sound, that weapon really messed with them. The Tedidian doctors had their work cut out for them fixing 5 listening organs per Jim-Bobidian. Together, all 20 odd Jim-Bobs and I, stepped through the portal to the nightmare world.
Now that I was on this side of the portal, I could see that Brad was gone. Oh boy, what fun. You know what else? I held onto that old piece of alien tech that Ted had his brain shoved into. I thought it would make a neat souvenir. Wouldn't you believe it if as soon as the doors closed behind me, I heard that S.O.B's voice saying "So, where to next?"
Ted copied himself yet again into that stupid thing. Didn't take long to figure out what he meant by "I won't be far behind."
"What the hell, Ted?" I shouted.
"Surprised to hear my voice?" He asked?
"More pissed than surprised. I thought I finally got rid of you."
"Oh stop it, you are happy to see me, admit it."
"I thought you wanted to go home. What happened to me just being a pair of legs?"
"Ah yes, but there's a crucial difference between that Ted and this one. This one is artificial, and doesn't get lonely. I am merely a copy of a personality. That way, when you die, I won't get homesick."
"I smell bullshit," I said.
Surprisingly, he didn't make an astronauts and diapers joke. Instead, he said "Got me. I am an explorer, remember? Even if I was homesick, I still yearn for the other-worldly. My adventuring days are not yet over, and this way, I can never die, unlike someone I know."
"News flash, Ted, you did die, and give me that self-aggrandizing crap you pulled in the beginning, and I'm throwing your immortal ass down the throat of the next giant monster I find."
"My path will remain rectilinear, and true."
"Rectum what now? I thought you only knew words I used in front of you. I don't even know what you said."
"True, but now I have learned how your language works, thus am able to intuit new words. You cannot convince me that was not a word. Go- 'look it up' or whatever when you get back to Earth. It means 'I'll stay on the straight and narrow.'"
"Then why didn't you just say so? You're already teetering on the edge of being too annoying to keep around, buddy." I threatened, but I had to admit, a translator would be nice.
I have to say, the next leg of the journey went on without a hitch. The Jim-Bobs, Ted, and I were making good time. Find a monster, kill it, find a planet, explore it, find another monster, kill it too. I found so many new planets, although most were dead or never had life to begin with. The odd part was, Ted was sure he had visited some before, and interacted with the residents, but there was nothing but rock where I stood.

I need advice about trying to make a relationship work after your partner has cheated…
I’m 29 F and my fiancé is a 28 M. We have been together almost 5 years. Engaged for 3 and live together. 2 months ago I found out he had been talking to a girl behind my back that he dated briefly (maybe a month or less) right before we got together. He told me before in the beginning of our relationship that he broke it off with her because he didn’t see it going anywhere and he didn’t like the way she acted. I’ve been cheated on in the past so I can kind of tell how someone is acting when they are being unfaithful.
I had my suspicions for a few weeks prior to finding the messages. I asked to see his phone one day and he immediately flipped out so I knew there probably was something to hide. He had deleted the messages and wasn’t aware that you could still look back at messages that are deleted… he did not come clean on his cheating on his own. I have NEVER been one to look through someone’s phone but on numerous occasions he has picked mine up while I’m sleeping and went through mine. He never would find anything.
He said some really hateful things about me to this girl while talking to her. There was a point 2 months ago where his anger was uncontrollable around the time that he was talking to this girl and idk maybe having to hide something from me was getting to him and making him frustrated? Possibly.. idk. But during that time we had an argument that he started and he kicked a trash can that almost hit me, he got even more mad. In the messages he said that I started it and told the girl he was going to call the cops on me and that I don’t help or anything…. Well right after finding out he cheated his grandmother passed so I was there for him throughout the whole process and was very empathetic and caring. He was still hateful to me and still kind of is being mean.
I don’t know what to do… should I cut my losses after 5 years? Should I keep trying regardless? I have PTSD from trauma in the past from a sexual assault and I have nobody my whole family is very hateful and the one person I had to raise me and was always here for me was my grandmother who passed in 2018. I do see therapy to help with my issues and I do all I possibly can to help the best person possible. I just feel lost and alone. And to be honest all of this including everything I had already went through makes me want to give up on life most days. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
If anyone could give advice on moving on after cheating or if you have tried to stay after the fact I would greatly appreciate it.