Hey all,
Looking for advice because option fatigue is killing me.
Initially was looking for cars in the 30k range and had settled on a CX-30 after driving it and enjoying it, but wanted to get the upgraded sound, which put me around 33k, which then made me realize that I had the option for a bigger car like the CX-50 for just a couple grand more, and as soon as I knew it my budget had increased to 35k. After meditation I realized that I was okay with spending around that much - I can absolutely afford it but I've traditionally been proudly frugal and am finally growing/regressing out of that mindset.
So, now that my budget's officially up to 35k, is there another vehicle that may be better than a CX-50 given this order of priorities?

1. Must have AWD, as I plan on putting all season tires for skiing next year, while also commuting with the car
2. I love music and sound is important to me
3. Large enough for one mountain bike in the back, wheel removed is fine
4. Comfort
5. Nice to drive/handling/speed
6. Mpg
7. Everything else

Thanks in advance for any advice!

I was planning to get a new Android tablet (galaxy tab S9 with dynamic AMOLED looked nice).
I was planning to use it for:

• Tachiyomi
• Streaming movies with a sideloaded app
• Google Play Pass subscription.

I can still stream movies in my Android TV box and cell phone.
Not sure about getting the Google Play Pass subscription. I mean, I can play the puzzle games on my cell phone, but the metroidvanias, RPGs and point & click games could be good on a tablet (if I don't have them on Steam already).
Tachiyomi would've made buying the tablet definitely worth it, but now I'm not sure if proceeding. I still have an iPad Pro 5th generation (2021) that I could use for anything else.
That said, I can currently manually download any manga or comic to my iPad or read directly on websites, but tachiyomi would be a convenience.
Are the tachiyomi forks alive so it'll be still worth getting a Galaxy Tab S9?

I've just bought an iPod, and I'm excited to use it primarily as a music player to enjoy high-quality sound and disconnect from my phone.
I have a hard drive with a music library that I've been building for the past 10 years. However, it's been dormant for the last four years as I switched to using Apple Music exclusively.
I've already synced this library with my Apple Music to use the iCloud Library, allowing me to have the same library available for streaming on Apple Music whenever I want.
Now, I want to get back to owning my music files. My plan is to discover new music and artists throughout the month, and at the end of the month, I'll choose one or two albums to download or purchase on iTunes.

My question is, how do I mix downloaded files, iTunes purchases, and my old library now on iCloud Library?

Should I sync my iPod with the music app, or upload the files manually? If I go with manual uploads, how do I access the files from an iTunes purchase?
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Note: I use a MacBook, and I need to buy on iTunes because some indie artists I like only have their music available there, or they're too obscure to find through alternative means

I've just bought an iPod, and I'm excited to use it primarily as a music player to enjoy high-quality sound and disconnect from my phone.
I have a hard drive with a music library that I've been building for the past 10 years. However, it's been dormant for the last four years as I switched to using Apple Music exclusively.
I've already synced this library with my Apple Music to use the iCloud Library, allowing me to have the same library available for streaming on Apple Music whenever I want.
Now, I want to get back to owning my music files. My plan is to discover new music and artists throughout the month, and at the end of the month, I'll choose one or two albums to download or purchase on iTunes.

My question is, how do I mix downloaded files, iTunes purchases, and my old library now on iCloud Library?

Should I sync my iPod with the music app, or upload the files manually? If I go with manual uploads, how do I access the files from an iTunes purchase?
————————————————————————
Note: I use a MacBook, and I need to buy on iTunes because some indie artists I like only have their music available there, or they're too obscure to find through alternative means

Hi everyone! I'm a 25M working in tech as a Data Scientist, I wanted to find someone with similar interests or hobbies.
I'm primarily interested in all things related to tech, I game a lot as well (I love Sekiro and Lies of P, along with other FPS games like Apex Legends and Destiny2 - I did download FFXIV too) and also watch anime (a LOT)
Office commute usually drains me of all my energy so I don't have enough social battery to socialize IRL and I don't want to involve my IRL work connections with my personal life so I'm hoping to meet people over here instead.
Other stuff about me:

1. I enjoy listening to others' rants and sometimes giving my inputs as well
2. Love pets! Bonus if you have pets (though I haven't adopted one as I plan to travel far soon)
3. South Asian
4. Bit socially anxious IRL, but online I can communicate just fine with people having shared interests
5. Additional hobby I had years ago was as an amateur astronomer at a dept of science funded observatory

If these connect with you, shoot a chat/dm about yourself! (Please just don't say hi/hey and go silent)

Hi everyone! I'm a 25M working in tech as a Data Scientist, I wanted to find someone with similar interests or hobbies.
I'm primarily interested in all things related to tech, I game a lot as well (I love Sekiro and Lies of P, along with other FPS games like Apex Legends and Destiny2 - I did download FFXIV too) and also watch anime (a LOT)
Office commute usually drains me of all my energy so I don't have enough social battery to socialize IRL and I don't want to involve my IRL work connections with my personal life so I'm hoping to meet people over here instead.
Other stuff about me:

1. I enjoy listening to others' rants and sometimes giving my inputs as well
2. Love pets! Bonus if you have pets (though I haven't adopted one as I plan to travel far soon)
3. South Asian
4. Bit socially anxious IRL, but online I can communicate just fine with people having shared interests
5. Additional hobby I had years ago was as an amateur astronomer at a dept of science funded observatory

If these connect with you, shoot a chat/dm about yourself! (Please just don't say hi/hey and go silent)

Have a friend flying in and we want to tent camp Saturday through Monday. Based in the Bay Area. Wasn't initially planning to be anywhere near Yosemite but plans have changed. I've camped in a dispersed area near Fish Camp a handful of times with great success and might plan to do it again Memorial Day weekend.
I might try to get a reservation for the park one of the days. Dreading the traffic.
Is there anything outside the south entrance park worth doing? I only have a sedan, so can't easily drive to a lot of the hikes I saw on AllTrails. I don't want to do inferior hikes for the sake of avoiding traffic (assuming I get a reservation).
Potentially going to switch to Kings Canyon area if not. We're just hoping for mountains, lakes, streams, etc.

For the last - two months probably? Spectrum has just been horrible. I live in Upstate NY and never have had any issue until now.
The download speeds consistently tanking (I’m suppose to get up to 500mbps - normally hangs around 300-400 on both wifi and ethernet.
Lately - I’ve been getting disconnected from Xbox constantly for just 5 seconds (wired connection), wired download speeds drop to the 70s and wifi has been horrible with constant freezing on my TV and phone for videos.
I’ve tried all the trouble shooting steps - resets, etc. finally called Spectrum who said everything looked good on their end and that I was “using too much bandwidth” and then tried to get me to upgrade my plan lmao
I’ve lived here over and year and we don’t have anymore devices now than we did then so I think the using too much bandwidth is a bunch of bullshit.
What do I do?

My partner and I thinking of planning a trip to a cabin in the Franklin area in the summer, but we’re worried about heat. We are from south Louisiana where being outside in July/August is insufferable and borderline dangerous so our heat tolerance is pretty good but it would suck to spend all the money and just be miserable the entire time. What’s it like? We’d be in the mountains.

I have been working with a local business to replace their rented Technicolor modem with a Hitron CODA56. I picked the model specifically because it supports the enhanced upload speeds here in Vancouver WA. However, on both occasions in which I called Comcast Business support to swap the modem out on the account, I was told the modem didn't appear on the tech's side, and that I would receive a call back from L2 support. I haven't heard anything in a couple of weeks.
In both cases, the modem was connected for at least 15 minutes before I called, with all lights on solid, and the tech confirmed the model, serial, and MAC address with me. I couldn't find the diagnostics page for the new modem, but the old modem showed good download & upload power & SNR when it was connected in the same place.
So, a few overall questions:

• What is the expected timeframe for a call back from L2 support?
  
• A rented eMTA for our phones (a TM804G) is also connected. Although the ethernet port is usually disconnected, I noticed that I do receive an IP address and can connect to the internet through it. Does the eMTA need to be disconnected for the provisioning process to succeed?
  
• The first time I tried connecting the new modem, I plugged my laptop directly to the ethernet port and a web browser quickly redirected me to the Xfinity setup page. On subsequent attempts, it did not send me anywhere, despite giving me an IP address. Could that be a sign of a faulty modem or connection?
  
• Is there a problem with this specific make and/or model? The second tech suggested it had been problematic for him.
  
• I hear great things about the Arris S33, and would happily exchange this modem for one, but I don't see it in the list of supported modems for enhanced upload speeds. The second tech suggested ignoring that list because most D3.1 modems should work, but I don't want to sink money into another modem if that's not the case. Our plan is 500 down, 200 up.
  

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
(edited to improve formatting)

I'm using IOS 15.8. I have a Verizon plan that requires extra $ for hotspot. Several posts suggest you can use PairVPN with a laptop to get around the hotspot block, but that set-up requires turning on the hotspot and editing settings.
Problem is that when I tap "Hotspot" under settings, it forces me to a Verizon website to pay. Does anyone know a workaround to be able to use PairVPN?
Again, I've downloaded the PairVPNserver and client but it won't work b/c I can't turn on the hotspot. (Also can't upgrade IOS b/c on an iPhoneSE v1 that I don't want to give up) Thx!

I am flying out to Oregon Sunday. I Will try the Reid Glacier Headwall on tuesday. We were going to climb Mt Adams afterwards, but the latest report said that the road to the trailhead is still snowed in, and it would be a 4 mile walk to even get to the trailhead. Any accessible mountains in the bend area? Looking for a Plan B. We climbed hood twice last year at the same exact time. The North Face direct route was almost melted out. We were afraid of going any later, but I guess there is no predicting snowfall.

We got 473 responses to yesterday's survey! Feel free to discuss and post your analysis in the comments.
Resources:

• View and download the Google Sheet with the raw data.
• Need help planning your next benchmark? Take a look at the benchmark planner by u/BilingualAlchemist.

https://www.staradvertiser.com/2024/05/15/hawaii-news/lawsuit-to-halt-removal-of-haiku-stairs-is-nixed/

A 1st Circuit Court judge has rejected a lawsuit to halt the city’s demolition of the Haiku Stairs in Kaneohe.

Senior Environmental Judge Lisa W. Ca­taldo ruled Monday to deny the Friends of Haiku Stairs’ latest lawsuit — the second the group has filed in less than a year’s time — requesting the court grant a temporary restraining order and preliminary injunction to stop the city’s plan to remove the World War II-era staircase, above Haiku Valley and the H-3 freeway.
But the judge disagreed with the merits of the Friends’ case, including their assertions that removal of the more than 3,900 stairs built along the sheer ridgeline of a 2,800-foot mountain would “irreparably harm” them.
“Plaintiffs appear to argue that they will be irreparably harmed by the removal of the Stairs because they (and future generations) will no longer be able to hike them,” the ruling stated in part. “Significantly, however, the law prohibits hiking the Stairs, and those who do so are trespassing in violation of the law.”
Moreover, the judge determined the Friends “lack standing” to enforce any prior state-level land use agreement related to the Haiku Stairs, which now sits on City and County of Honolulu property and is closed to the public.

Is this true?

“Because the Stairs are over 50 years old, and all property in Hawaii over 50 years old is protected and cannot be demolished by the state or the city without approval from SHPD.”

My house, my driveway, are all over 50 years old. If I like tear down my driveway and my neighbord doesn't like it, can my neighbors complain to SHPD and get it blocked?

I saw that Gamma was updated so I downloaded it again. I had never seen an ad in the first version, and now it loads a giant unstoppable POS ad on every launch. I’d be happy to pay a few bucks to disable them, and now that we have RetroArch as an alternative I might just stick with that instead. Does anyone know if there are plans to make this better?

Ported in today on a prepaid plan.
I didn't expect miracles, but I am surprised that LTE was worse than 3G (which is the case with the 250 meg data plans from the other carriers).
On LTE it connected to band 66 about -119 dBm, the download speed was 3.50 Mbps and the upload was 1.11 Mbps.
On 3G it connected to band 4 about -95 dBm, the download speed was 8.17 Mbps and the upload was 1.52 Mbps.
The thing is, I looked at cellmapper to see where the towers are located.. and it seems to be the same towers for both LTE and 3G.. so why would the signal strength be noticeably different and different speeds? The frequencies are not different.. 3G band 4 is 1710–1755/2110–2155 and LTE band 66 is 1710–1780/2110-2200.

We are planning to head to Bryce and Zion near father's day. Number of days and date is flexible.
For background we will be heading out in our 2wd converted van from SoCal, which has solar, shore power, fridge, cassette toilet, and sleeping accommodations for everyone. We travel frequently and have an abundance of hiking and camping gear avaiable, including a Garmin Inreach Explorer+ with SOS in case of emergency.
We are looking to visit the "must see" spots at both places, within reason with two kids in tow. Willing to do some dispersed camping but not in a spot that would make for an easy mountain lion ambush. Looking for easy to moderate trails that are less than 10 miles out and back (round trip), with adequate shade spots to take breaks and cool the kids down. Don't want to be to far away from others for addtional safety.
Any advice is welcomed and appreciated!

I'm travelling to Portland for a few days in late May and early June. I like museums, parks, live music and comedy, and great food. What would you recommend?
I plan to hike, too. Where would you go hiking outside the city? I'm from the Adirondacks out east. While our mountains aren't as tall, I'm no stranger to rugged terrain.

This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.