Long story short, I'm a male, a little more than 3 weeks ago I had sex for the first time in a while and it was a casual hookup with a woman I didn't know before matching on the dating app. She gave me the vibes that she likes having casual sex with strangers, as I was an example of. The condom slipped out during vaginal sex at one point and I think it was maybe 30 seconds or so before I had realized it.
Now, she wasn't a sex worker (as far as I know) and this all happened in her nice condo, and I didn't get the vibes she's into hard drugs but she was smoking marijuana during our time together. Being an anxious person, the following day I hurriedly went to get PEP (Biktarvy) and started the first dose within the first 20 hours after sex, this to prevent HIV. I've already tested negative for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea and have more STD testing scheduled for in a couple of weeks.
I have 6 doses left to take of the Biktarvy and other than very mild stomach ache here and there (particularly in the first few days) and some harder stools (but not too bad compared to my usual soft ones) I think I haven't felt much other side effects, up until yesterday that is where I noticed back pain and started worrying about my Kidneys, which is something one could rightfully worry about apparently since these types of meds can apparently be bad on organs.
I believe I haven't noticed any STD symptoms in the 3 weeks since the sex. Now, since I'm so anxious and maybe even a hypochondriac, I don't think I can mentally handle having casual sex like this again. Can't handle the worry. I went on the PEP because after a Google search and seeing some Reddit results I found lots of posts of people asking if they should take PEP after a one night stand and consistently responses were ridiculing the various different OPs about even asking the question, the argument consistently being that the question is stupid as it would do little to no harm to take the PEP for 28 days, especially when the worst alternative could be to get HIV and have to take the meds for years. I got similar responses in the clinic I went to. I didn't get the bad attitude but I did get the feeling transmitted to me that it wasn't such a big deal to take PEP for 28 days. Agreeing to take this was a big decision for me as I've had nearly deadly reactions to other prescription drugs before and am very wary about what I put inside my body.
But yesterday, after feeling the back pain I googled again and started finding a lot of posts talking about the potential of Kidney and Liver damage when taking PEP and now I'm feeling like I rushed into something unnecessary.
Only 6 more doses yet, Ill finish the regiment at this point (it's a 28 day regiment).
Is it justified that I went for the option of taking it? Ugh... I hope I don't suffer long term organ damage because of something I very likely didn't need.

I am currently in my gluten era, waiting for the blood test next week.
On top of feeling like a complete dumpster fire, I now have acne at 40 years old.
I'm having such a good time.

We are East Asian and my boomer mother has been a Karen (or whatever our equivalent is) for decades before that became a thing. She is very entitled, and has a hair-trigger temper that goes from 0 to 1000 in seconds. She always goes into any customer service experience fully prepared to pick a fight with the employee, often does, and the first thing she does is demand to speak to the manager. She is super racist, especially towards other, darker-skinned minorities. I have told her multiple times before that nowadays, behaving like that in public is a good way to go viral/end up on the news. She thinks that when she screams at people, it's justified, and gets angry at me for not taking her side.
Today she called me because she wanted sympathy: she went to the drugstore to pick up her prescription, there was plenty of parking available, but the closest spots to the store were for EVs. Because she wanted to be close to the entrance, she parked in one of the EV spots anyway "because the sign said up to 60 minutes parking, and I've seen other cars park there longer."
When she came out of the store, someone (she used a derogatory term for another minority) approached her to roll down her window, berated her for parking in the EV spot. They exchanged "fuck yous," she rolled up her window, and the person started trying to film/take pictures of her, threatening to call the police.
So while she was throwing herself a pity party and expecting me to comfort her, I said that she shouldn't park in EV spots because what if someone really needs to charge their car. She snapped, "They can wait." I said that people probably see it as equivalent to parking in the handicap spot (which she knows not to do, because it's illegal). She pouted and said, "But I'm an old lady."
Since I wasn't getting through to her, I tried a gentler approach: could you maybe try next time to park in the regular spots, because I'm worried about you getting into a real fight with someone who might hurt you. Instead, she got angry, told me I'm unsupportive, and hung up on me.
I don't know what's more exhausting, the spoiled toddler mentality, the complete inability to ever admit being wrong, or the complete lack of self-awareness and refusal to learn and grow.

My (27) Male boyfriend and I (25) female have been together for almost four years, our relationship has not been the most perfect one and kindly admit I have let pretty bad things slide, including **cheating** **lying** and **manipulation**. All of this time I have separated from him twice.... last time we went back to the relationship after being almost six months apart, because after all his slip ups I decided to come back, I went on a week trip to Costa Rica and he decided to dig in to a USB drive I had left in my apartment, finding pictures of me with two of my ex boyfriends who were highly abusive to me. To be fairly honest, I have not used the drive for a long time, sometimes I upload pictures in that same drive and never see the ones from my ex's, however he got so triggered about seeing me with other men, that we broke up. It seems that he has this sense of being the victim and in my eyes, he is being unfair. After everything I have forgiven him, when it's his turn to see something not exactly pleasant, he OVERLY victimizes himself and makes a HUGE drama. Like if I had to beg him to forgive me. I don't consider him a bad person, but he has pretty bad trauma from past relationships and the main source is in his home, his mother has NOT been a good mother at all..... he is the middle child and always seems to get ignored, mistreated and abused by her.
For the past six months, we've been pretty good, he has slowly but surely worked on his trauma, past self and toxic habits. However, he has a tendency to become angry and other times I have seen him talking very badly about people in general, two months ago he went through a very harsh depression. That led us to almost separate Again. He gets pretty toxic, self destructive and tends to be really pitiful with himself. Over time, I have decided to stop making myself the hero of the relationship and let things be, I was there for him but was not going to interfere in the process. Since, after all, in my mind I think he is looking for a mother figure and I am not that.
Yesterday, I needed to do a one long day trip to my main city, he decided to join me but I warned him that I would be staying with my family, (which he usually gets pretty uncomfortable in, doesn't like family environment) and he agreed. My car's temperature got up and needed to make a quick stop at a gas station to make sure everything was ok. Going back to the road, I started analyzing why I had forgotten to add cooler to my car's engine, which seem like a very simple task, I was wondering why sometimes I tend to forget very easy but key tasks and was feeling kind off down with myself.
Instead of helping me feel better, giving me some words of encouragement or at least listening to me, he started describing to me other scenarios in which I have failed myself precisely by forgetting simple but key tasks. Excusing himself saying that he was giving me ''useful data for me to know how to improve''. I got a little pissed off, since It seemed like he wanted to turn a moment of frustration with myself into a problem of HIS and make me feel worse. I sometimes battle with certain tendencies I have, like PTSD, ADHD and lying patterns, I used to lie to pretend things were not wrong, etc. And I, myself, was honest to him about it around three months ago, letting him know, that I felt really bad with myself because of it. In the car, while on the road, additionally from telling me other scenarios where I had forgotten things, he also took the chance to let me know that It was my last chance before I got '' another little lie'' out, telling me how insecure I make him feel and that I have a big problem. I understood his side, I heard him and let him know multiple times that I am trying my best and that it is in my intentions to continue my therapy to avoid any future conflict or harm to myself or others, but in those interactions all I got was him not listening at all, being conflictive, telling me to stop the conversation because we are going nowhere and cold reactions.
I decided to keep quiet and not make a big deal about it, but something in me is really turned down.... during the visit with my family I did what I had to do and PAID for everything, dinner, breakfast, gas, emergency supplies etc. but I didn't even want to touch him, I feel drowned and had the urge to get away from him. He acted like a cold stone during the entire visit, making it harder for me, instead of being a nice trip. All I can think about right now, is that I can no longer idealize him in my mind, he's bad with me, uses things like this as an excuse for his poor behavior in the past, rubs in my face the changes he's faced to become a better person when angry and acts like a whole pure narcissist. I am NOT a bad person, I know my mistakes and consider this IS NOT FAIR. And I am not going to play this game again. I feel like I'm really done. When we got home, I said absolutely nothing, left him in his apartment and haven't talked to him at all.
AITA for not validating his drama, going after him and talking more sense into him?

Long story short, I'm a male, a little more than 3 weeks ago I had sex for the first time in a while and it was a casual hookup with a woman I didn't know before matching on the dating app. She gave me the vibes that she likes having casual sex with strangers, as I was an example of. The condom slipped out during vaginal sex at one point and I think it was maybe 30 seconds or so before I had realized it.
Now, she wasn't a sex worker (as far as I know) and this all happened in her nice condo, and I didn't get the vibes she's into hard drugs but she was smoking marijuana during our time together. Being an anxious person, the following day I hurriedly went to get PEP (Biktarvy) and started the first dose within the first 20 hours after sex, this to prevent HIV. I've already tested negative for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea and have more STD testing scheduled for in a couple of weeks.
I have 6 doses left to take of the Biktarvy and other than very mild stomach ache here and there (particularly in the first few days) and some harder stools (but not too bad compared to my usual soft ones) I think I haven't felt much other side effects, up until yesterday that is where I noticed back pain and started worrying about my Kidneys, which is something one could rightfully worry about apparently since these types of meds can apparently be bad on organs.
I believe I haven't noticed any STD symptoms in the 3 weeks since the sex.
Now, since I'm so anxious and maybe even a hypochondriac, I don't think I can mentally handle having casual sex like this again. Can't handle the worry. I went on the PEP because after a Google search and seeing some Reddit results I found lots of posts of people asking if they should take PEP after a one night stand and consistently responses were ridiculing the various different OPs about even asking the question, the argument consistently being that the question is stupid as it would do little to no harm to take the PEP for 28 days, especially when the worst alternative could be to get HIV and have to take the meds for years. I got similar responses in the clinic I went to. I didn't get the bad attitude but I did get the feeling transmitted to me that it wasn't such a big deal to take PEP for 28 days. Agreeing to take this was a big decision for me as I've had nearly deadly reactions to other prescription drugs before and am very wary about what I put inside my body.
But yesterday, after feeling the back pain I googled again and started finding a lot of posts talking about the potential of Kidney and Liver damage when taking PEP and now I'm feeling like I rushed into something unnecessary.
Only 6 more doses yet, Ill finish the regiment at this point (it's a 28 day regiment).
Is it justified that I went for the option of taking it? Ugh... I hope I don't suffer long term organ damage because of something I very likely didn't need.

hey guys, my exam is one month from now. I was doing okay until my migrane came back and now I'm extremely incapable and my progress has slowed down a lot. I went to a neurologist today and got prescribed topiramate. I did tell him my exam is in one month and asked if there is anything I should be on a look out for. He said topiramate does cause mental slowing. As in if I were to subtract 3 from 95 -> I would still be able to tell it is 92 but it would take me some time, but he said it is a rare side effect and that is hould maybe I try out for a week and see if it works. But, a lot of users on reddit say topirmate caused extreme brain fog and topiramate made them dumb :/ apparently, not so rare anymore.
Now, I could do what he said and try it out for one week but I'm afraid every day is way too important for me to experiment ! Plus it also works on GABA so im scared it will make me too drowsy. yes, my current headache is debilitating but topiramate is prophylaxis anyway. it is only spacing out the next attack.
I am thinking that for now, I can maybe stick with headache abortive therapy, but I don't really know what to do. Any advice will be highly appreciated

Hi!
I just learned that I have Avoident Dismissive attachment style. Well, "know" is a stretch, but I read up on it, and it resonates with me 110%.
First off, I prefer to be alone, and whenever people get too close too quickly, I freak out and distance myself from them. I've lost several friends, and a romantic relationship due to this. I DO care about people, but I have a hard time showing it, and it takes a long time for me to even consider them a part of my inner social circle. I'm talking years lol.
Idk what exactly caused this, because I grew up with parents i knew loved me, even though they didnt always express it verbally. The only thing i can think of is that I was often told I was too sensitive and overdramatic. I remember i wrote a short story about a man who fell madly in love with a woman he met at the supermarket, and I let my mother read it. I was twelve years old, and quite proud. After reading it, she gave it back to me, raised her eye brows and said: "that was a bit... much." That was pretty much her reaction everytime i told her about my feelings, or whenever I talked about feelings really.
I dont want to paint a horrible picture of my parents, because I knew they loved me, even though they didnt really say so. They showed their love through giving me clothes, making me food, and yelling at me to do my homework lol. (tough love?).
Also, my older sister is, interestingly enough, the complete opposite of me. She's a social butterfly, and has been together with her boyfriend for 7 years now. She can't stand to be alone, and is constantly on some trip with friends, at parties, gatherings, etc. I could never live her life, but there's also something there that I wish I had. There's a warmth in her, like she truly opens up her heart to everyone. She sees you, and is always inclusive and kind.
It's like i have that warmth too somewhere inside of me, but I'm unable to show it to people. It's locked up, and I don't have the f key. I guess the best way i can explain it is that a part of me want to be caring and have tight relationships with people, and another part of me is scared of it/doesnt allow me.
I just got to know a girl through a weekly workout session I attend. We started texting, and grabbing coffees after the sessions and whatnot. Last week she invited me to a hike, even though we had met twice that week already. I immediately felt uncomfortable (even though i liked hanging out with her), and said I was busy, even though i wasnt. It just felt like too much too quickly, and i got the feeling she was getting a little clingy.
I realized I ALWAYS do these things, and idk, it might be time to work on it, because it's obviously not this girls fault.
Although Avoidant attachment style is an insecure attachment style, I can't ignore the fact that it has its perks. I pride myself on being independent, and I like the fact that my social circle is small, because i know I can trust each and every one of them. I also, strangely enough doesnt really feel lonely, even if i don't meet anyone in weeks. I spent one and a half month abroad completely alone, and I didnt feel lonely once. I was genuinely completely fine, and enjoyed my time there. I wonder if that's normal?
It's not like I'm very socially awkward either. I can be the life of the party (if you will), and I sometimes strike up a conversation with strangers on the bus (that's considered quite out-going in my country btw)
BUT,
I also want to be more like my sister. I don't want to push people away. I don't want to be that kind of person. I also acknowledge that there's a lot of people who have dated people with the same attachment style as me, and that must have been extremely difficult! So, yeah, that's why i want to change.
Can anyone relate to this? How did you change your mindset(if you have)? Experiences with ppl with this style of attachment? Id love to hear how it is on the other side as well.

I have previously been on fluoxentine and before that when I was much younger paroxetine (terrible) for MDD. SSRIs work for me but they make me kind of labotomized, tired all the time, no energy, also effectively chemical castration. Hence why the Dr and I agreed bupropion might be a good fit.
I've been taking bupropion for for 6 weeks now. I'm currently on 300mg XL but did the first 3 weeks at 150mg. I had common experiences starting the drug, the honeymoon period for the first 3-4 days (amazing), then quite bumpy - feeling great, not feeling great from day to day. Interestingly I never had any anxiety which I was anticipating. I was waking up at 3am for a couple weeks. Then after about week 4 I was side effect free, and I felt fine, sometimes great, I felt I had the resolve to get through things and I had energy. Now at week 6 I've hit a real low, this is day 3 of this now. I'm just curious, is this part of the adjustment period still? I know this will pass but feel pretty hopeless.

Long story short, I'm a male, a little more than 3 weeks ago I had sex for the first time in a while and it was a casual hookup with a woman I didn't know before matching on the dating app. She gave me the vibes that she likes having casual sex with strangers, as I was an example of. The condom slipped out during vaginal sex at one point and I think it was maybe 30 seconds or so before I had realized it.
Now, she wasn't a sex worker (as far as I know) and this all happened in her nice condo, and I didn't get the vibes she's into hard drugs but she was smoking marijuana during our time together. Being an anxious person, the following day I hurriedly went to get PEP (Biktarvy) and started the first dose within the first 20 hours after sex, this to prevent HIV. I've already tested negative for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea and have more STD testing scheduled for in a couple of weeks.
I have 6 doses left to take of the Biktarvy and other than very mild stomach ache here and there (particularly in the first few days) and some harder stools (but not too bad compared to my usual soft ones) I think I haven't felt much other side effects, up until yesterday that is where I noticed back pain and started worrying about my Kidneys, which is something one could rightfully worry about apparently since these types of meds can apparently be bad on organs.
I believe I haven't noticed any STD symptoms in the 3 weeks since the sex.
Now, since I'm so anxious and maybe even a hypochondriac, I don't think I can mentally handle having casual sex like this again. Can't handle the worry. I went on the PEP because after a Google search and seeing some Reddit results I found lots of posts of people asking if they should take PEP after a one night stand and consistently responses were ridiculing the various different OPs about even asking the question, the argument consistently being that the question is stupid as it would do little to no harm to take the PEP for 28 days, especially when the worst alternative could be to get HIV and have to take the meds for years. I got similar responses in the clinic I went to. I didn't get the bad attitude but I did get the feeling transmitted to me that it wasn't such a big deal to take PEP for 28 days. Agreeing to take this was a big decision for me as I've had nearly deadly reactions to other prescription drugs before and am very wary about what I put inside my body.
But yesterday, after feeling the back pain I googled again and started finding a lot of posts talking about the potential of Kidney and Liver damage when taking PEP and now I'm feeling like I rushed into something unnecessary.
Only 6 more doses yet, Ill finish the regiment at this point (it's a 28 day regiment).
Is it justified that I went for the option of taking it? Ugh... I hope I don't suffer long term organ damage because of something I very likely didn't need.

For the first time I let it go 10 days and it’ll be 11 days tomorrow when I take my shot. I’m only on 0.5mg. Can I still take 0.5mg tomorrow or should I take 0.25mg? I just went up to 0.5 a week ago and the side effects have been much greater than 0.25, although still extremely mild just a lot of pooping lol.
I’ve been plateaued as well and I hear if you skip 1-2 weeks the shots start to work again when you start up again after a short break. Anyone have experience with this? If so I could let it go a full 2 weeks and start back on 0.25 if there’s a good chance it’ll help my plateau.
Thanks ✨

Apologies if this is too much information, however I have been on this for over 4 weeks and my stamina in the bedroom is increased and its insane! Not that it was bad before, but now I can definitely go for much longer.
Have any other guys experienced this? I definitely wont be complaining about this at any point, it seems like a pretty good side effect to me

Shared by TGC on all major communication channels. Check out their tweet here:

🗞️ Hot off the press! 🗞️
Read our latest blog for insights about what’s coming in the 0.25.5 update.✨
Check out the blog: https://bit.ly/SeasonOfNestingUpdate_Disc

Season of Nesting Updates for 0.25.5

Hey everyone! It looks like you’ve been pretty busy setting up your Nests, so we wanted to share a quick update about the Season and related Nesting features, and what will be coming for it in the 0.25.5 update.
First, we have to say up front that it’s been a blast to see all the Nests you’ve been creating—honestly we’ve lost count of how many pictures we’ve posted on our team Slack channels of all the cool designs that you’ve been sharing with the community.
We’ve also been following your feedback about your experience with the Season so far, so the team wanted to share some insights about what’s coming up with the Season, your Nests, and the Nesting Challenge Board in the upcoming 0.25.5 update, and some of the long-term conversation around these for the future beyond the end of the Season.

What’s coming up for the Season in 0.25.5?

Well, here are a few improvements based on feedback you’ve shared with us.
Nests look too dark at night: We’ve adjusted the lighting to address that feedback, so your Nest should be a little bit easier to see when the stars are out.
Excessive bloom in dark areas: We got your reports about that too, and the update will have fixes to tone that down.
Items to unlock for currency in the Nesting Workshop were simultaneously featured to use in your Nest: Our apologies for that confusion! The items that are both in the Nesting Workshop lineup and featured in your Nest have been temporarily removed from the Nesting Workshop rotation until we can better clarify their availability. (We made the rotation change independent of the 0.25.5 release, so that’s already in effect. Meanwhile, the fix for making these items available in a clearer way will come at a later date, so we’ll keep you posted!)
Will the Heart rewards in the Nesting Guide’s Challenge Board remain free after the Season ends? Answer: yep! The Challenge Board isn’t limited to just the Season of Nesting, so the challenges and the rewards will remain available to complete and unlock at your own pace long after the Season is over. In 0.25.5, we’ll remove the timer that appears with the Challenge Board to make that clearer. We’ve also seen some folks ask about the Nesting Guide and what some of the story is with them. That’s a fair question, which we hope the upcoming Seasonal Quests can help answer.

Also in the Works

One thing we know: Sky kids should be cuter when they sit on furniture. The animation team has made this a reality, so once 0.25.5 comes, Sky kids will properly curl up, stretch out, and lounge on their favorite furniture.
We’re also including a feature that we’re hoping will spark inspiration for everyone—a toggle to view other Nests. It’s similar to the function that allows you to see a range of Shared Spaces when you’re at a Shared Space Shrine.
You’ll be able to “scroll” through a preview that favors your friends’ Nests while also showing Nests of other Sky children too. It’s just a preview, though, so you won’t see anyone in this view, and they won’t see anyone who might be viewing their Nest through this toggle either. It’s also not a Player Creation toggle, so it won’t include an option to send Hearts.
What you’ll see in the 0.25.5 update is the first version of this view feature. We want to use your feedback as we keep building on it, so once the next patch goes live and you get a chance to try it out, let us know what you think in the #live-feedback channel on our Discord server!

Other Nesting Ideas

The community has been really creative both with making some amazing Nests, and with sharing some great ideas and suggestions too. We wanted to touch on a few of those real quick. A couple suggestions we’ve seen is to add ways to specify how many of an item you want to get from the Nesting Workshop, and to add “save slots” so that you could have a couple different versions of your decorated Nest. We’ve also seen some players wanting to make their Nest a third option for a loading point in the game, alongside Home and Aviary Village.
First of all, we love that you’ve liked your Nest so much that you want it to be your “home base” in the game! We’ll be exploring what might be possible with these suggestions. Some of them would require developing additional tech that we don’t have right now, and there would be a lot of other design questions to answer first before we’d know if we could make Nests a loading point, so we can’t make any promises. Still, we’re looking into what might be possible!
There’s plenty of other stuff in the 0.25.5 update that won’t fit into this post (Days of Nature and Days of Color, anyone?), but we wanted to share at least a little bit of what’s coming in the second half of the Season. We can’t wait for everyone to try out the new quests and features and to hear your feedback about it. See you in the skies!
^{Reminder I’m not TGC staff, just reposting their announcements :D}

Last night I was respond to people in a legal advice subreddit. People didn’t like my opinion that without the proof of the crime, there is currently nothing that can be done.
This was a topic involving a 16yo in Canada sending nudes to a 30+yo also in Canada. She now doesn’t like that this person has said pictures and wants to go after him for child exploitation. If she can prove it was done via exploitation then absolutely I’m all here for it.
Well people didn’t like my opinion so some insecure sheep of a human reported my account for sharing explicit content involving minors.
NOW that’s a crime, that I have been falsely accused of. Reddit took this report and its brilliant automod decided it to be true, even though when I click the link to what the offence was it’s quite literally just a text response of the situation.
So now I have been accused of child ****, with Reddit backing it with no proof (there is a lot of irony or something here) and the reaction to this offence wasn’t even banning my account, but issuing a warning???? If this had actually happened and all Reddit did was issue a warning that’s completely unacceptable.
What’s also unacceptable is that Reddit has a garbage automod that clearly doesn’t work. I’ll be adding the comment in question shortly and the message from Reddit.
This whole situation is kinda a joke on reddits part. Like their due diligence for an accusation like this is a warning? Dude it’s illegal, an actual crime everywhere I can think of, and the proof of the offence is a standard Reddit comment?
Unacceptable on both sides, if the offence was factual I should have had police at my door as Reddit’s due diligence would be to report the account for a heinous crime. If it was not factual Reddit should have done its due diligence to ensure a crime did not happen. Neither of these are how this situation was handled.
I have filed an appeal, I understand that this is just a Reddit account, my problem with this is possible issues now surfacing due to a false allegation. What do I do?

This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.

Hi there - so the past two weeks, I have woken up with horrible pain. I do During the day, I am mostly stable, some knee issues, but manageable.
I am on Cymbalta, Baclofen, Amytriptyline and I do NOT want to increase my dosage if things are mostly gripped. I have next to no side effects right now, I am terrified to rock the boat.
Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe more CBD before bed?

27 years old, still live at my parents house, and I've basically been stagnant since high school. I feel like a shell of my former self. I have been going through a process of self discovery and reflection, and the pressure of life is starting to set in. Normally I would counter this with escapism and burying the problem, but this year it feels different. To give some background:
-Short, bald, and obese
-Only have a year and a half experience of part time work (grocery store). I don't have references and a huge employment gap so I'm worried that I am less employable than a felony murderer. I hate working
-Failed out of community college, tried for 6 years and couldn't pass classes I wasn't interested in. Looked into getting IT Certifications as programming and tech support comes naturally to me. I might be limited by not having a college degree later in life, might take 1 college class at a time very slowly while working, who knows. I feel my parents patience is running out so 'career' needs to come soon
-Sadly my favorite thing is media consumption. I've legitimately turned it into a hobby somehow, joining music forums, researching home theater and creating a media center with a custom renderer, part of private torrent communities, etc. I built all of my friends and family's computers, set up surround sound systems, did tech work for grandparents etc. so atleast I can pass that knowledge onto others
-I have 6 really close friends that are absolute saints and have never pressured me into losing weight or getting a job etc. When we hang out its usually food on the cheaper side, memes, hiking, gaming, etc. I know they have my back. As a side effect, I haven't made a new friend since high school, maybe because I have such intense friendships that nothing else would measure up, you know?
-Had a three week relationship when I was 15, she ghosted me
-I think I'm anxious around women specifically. I try to be as normal as possible around them, logically they're any other normal ass person, but the entire time I'm hyper second guessing myself, what I'm saying, how I'm standing, every little thing. I've lived with a close female relative my age and it was completely different. In comparison I feel like a social butterfly around the average gamer type guy around my age
-Tried therapy in the past but bounced off of it, unfortunately I went in looking for a quick fix, instead of advice on how to better myself
Anyways, I felt business as usual up until a couple months ago when my body started screaming out for me to have sex and lose my virginity. Hormones, not peer pressure. Totally normal for a 27 year old guy, but it seems like the journey from here to there is a Mount Everest amount of self work. I don't even know if I want a girlfriend, or if I'm just craving sex. A relationship is about giving and receiving love, and I don't think I'm attractive enough to hook up outside of a relationship which I'm not sure I want in the first place. One redditor told me that people of all shapes and sizes have sex and relationships, regardless of life situation, and 90% of the time it's social skills that limit people
For people who were in the same situation or just have advice, my question is - Do I start from building blocks of a pyramid, cleaning my space and establishing good habits, exercise, adding little by little on top of that? Do I find a part time job, and the rest will fall into place?
How do I find that magical 'third place' to meet women when every hobby sounds lame as fuck?
How do I tell if I'm genuinely aromantic, or if I'm completely hollow inside from being habitually alone?
Does anybody know what the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I've been quite sold on suffering focused ethics in the last year though I think the intuition has always been present in some form. Currently, I'm building my knowledge and will be earning to give until I figure out what is best. One thing that would be super helpful is to hear is what those with the same ethical view are doing or thinking. If a few of you could share your journey and the concrete considerations you have had to make, I will be super grateful! Even just a 5 sentence summary of your approach is helpful for consideration.
Please see below to for some questions that come to mind for me. No need to answer all if you don't have the time or aren't comfortable answering, but if you can offer advice on answering some of them and share your experiences, that would be really informative.
Questions I'm considering (not all are practical but I'm just spilling a bunch of thoughts I have)
1) Do you earn to give or directly work in some way? How did you make the decision?
2) If you do direct work, how much would you have to be able to donate annually in order to switch to earn to give? At what point does money start to exceed the value of direct work for you? How would you advise someone else in this consideration?
3) If you earn to give, what are the specific causes you give to and what percentage of donations go to each cause? What is your rationale for this breakout?
4) How valuable are existential risks/catastrophic outcomes for reducing suffering? Are these effective for those focused on suffering to work on or are S Risks better? On one hand, a stable human civilization seems necessary for ever reducing suffering (especially wild animal suffering) but extinction as an outcome eliminates a lot of problems too.
5) Have you tested personal fit in certain suffering related roles? What roles did you do this for and how did you go about doing it?
6) I rationally am convinced by arguments about S Risks and X Risks based on the information I have read. However, since I am no expert and I notice a huge portion of society (including very smart people and well meaning institutions) don't seem to prioritize these, I wonder if I am not getting the whole picture. Why is thinking about these issues so rare despite their huge comparative importance?
7) Is it even worthwhile to try to promote suffering focused ethics in a local manner to friends and such? I feel like my peers just don't seem to care that much for some reason, and I'm really confused at how thoughts that have completely changed my life don't seem to make a difference in others. Is altruism a fixed genetic trait
8) How do you do compare suffering intensity in one mind versus many instances of lesser suffering across many minds? Is it even feasible for minor injuries across many minds to equate severe suffering in one mind? For example, the suffering of a paper cut across minds is experientially felt once no matter how many minds experience the cut because each mind does not share in any other mind's experience. It is bad that multiple minds experience paper cuts from a third person universal point of view, but in the first person experience, pain exists once. I don't want to go as far as to say 2 minds experiencing paper cuts is the same as 1, but I also don't want to equate 2 paper cuts across 2 separate minds with 2 paper cuts that occur in the same mind. Going both ways leaves me with some repugnant conclusions, but perhaps it doesn't matter practically since a lot of severe suffering also exists in vast numbers (except for perhaps the most horrible instances of sadistic crime). Anyways, hopefully, this question makes sense. I think the proper term for this is value lexicality.

Does she also make you video your apartment in a circle so she knows you're home alone?
Can you post a picture of Alice eating a small bit of that roast beef?
Why do you allow her to have this level of control over you?
She obviously did not have morals before you (catfish) but did you have morals before her?
And if you did have morals what was the dollar amount that made you disregard them?
Does she have a parental block on your TV channels and the amount of time you are allowed to play your games?
I don't believe you have gotten rid of Alice because I don't think she would be willing to give up anything and will instead lie and play the system to get a dog. Much like she does everything else! But......if you did get rid of her how does it feel that she made you get rid of your cat? She said that Alice picked you as her person.
If you still have Alice and she doesn't get along with Birdie are you willing to get rid of Alice? A cat that has anxiety issues and is older probably wouldn't be adopted easily!
If your wife has used Alice for monetary gain and is willing to so easily throw her side for a dog what do you think she will do with you when you no longer benefit her?
Do you hold the medical insurance thru your work? I feel like that is the only reason she would be keeping you around. And I don't mean that to disrespect you as I'm sure you have other redeeming qualities. She has proven time and time again that she doesn't need you or even want you around all that much. Except to maybe bring her popcorn and turn off the bedroom light.
Do you want to have kids at some point? If so it's definitely not going to happen with her! Her unhealthy lifestyle will make it beyond difficult! And I don't think she even wants that anymore!
How much has your life been stunted by being with her?
What have you given up?
What have you lost?
Every relationship has give and take! I'm not seeing any give on her side! Other than the food she sends you and the pity concert she takes you once a year!
I used to feel sorry for you being in your situation however I have seen that you benefit from it. And it doesn't seem like you would like to save yourself. You also are not stopping her from victimizing others so that makes you just as guilty as her! You also deserve the karma that will come to you!
Enjoy your arbys tonight. I'm assuming tomorrow night will be pizza. Probably Mexican on Friday. Will it ever be something that you pick up on the way home? Or is that only when she is home and you need to bring food to someone in her family. Enjoy the life of deception you have built together!
And Kylea don't bother with the someone said I don't let Joe pick his own food. I don't need you to acknowledge anything this someone said because every word you post is a lie!

My son who is 10 weeks has horrible reflux and I breastfeed. I’m scared to give him reflux medicine because of the side effects. So the ped recommends cutting dairy. For those who did, how quickly did you see progress?