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weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.

1. Epic Fantasy
2. Crown Prince: Book One of New Blood
3. New Blood Saga: Book 1
4. W.D. Kilpack III
5. Full Cover
6. 2021 International Firebird Book Award Winner • 2022 The BookFest Award Winner • 2023 Finalist, Best Mentor Character, Indie Ink Awards • 2024 International Impact Book Award Winner • 2020 Runner-Up Sci-Fi/Fantasy Book of the Year, OnlineBookClub.org • Quarter Finalist Screencraft Cinematic Book Competition
7. www.Kilpack.net
8. Available in Paperback/eBook/KU/NOOK/Kobo/Smashwords
9. "The future of all men relies on the Guardian of Maarihk. Will his Sight be true? Or will his impure Firstblood prove the ruin of us all?"
10. Natharr is Guardian of Maarihk, one of a long line of protectors dating back to the Firstborn Age, before the Aa Conquest. Natharr's is an ancient role, rooted in his Firstblood, giving him Sight to see what is yet to be. He adheres to his sacred duties even in the centuries since the Firstborn were forced to the brink of extinction by the Aa. Natharr still stands guard over all men, Aa or Firstborn, Seeing what will come to pass, deciding what is unavoidable and what is not. He spends decades planning how to save the life of the newborn Crown Prince Vikari so he may one day reclaim the throne of the land where Mankind was created, back in the time when the Olde Gods still walked.
11. • "I've been won over by Crown Prince! The world is deeply conceived. The prose is well crafted. The solemn, almost-inhuman Guardian/seer standing guard during a deadly siege as the young queen gives birth makes for a hell of a great start! That weightiness to his character was a key point of interest to me that comes across right from the opening pages, plunging right into the thick of it for a wonderful change of pace. Crown Prince is intriguing, grand, strange, and shadowed by ill-omens. It is Shakespearean." — Tom Mock, author of The Long Nights • "A very good book ... [and] a very great read! Natharr is very much tested as he strives to save the life of newborn Crown Prince Vikari. This book reads wonderfully, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to get to know the story. It is full of pulse-pounding adventure and also features great, extensive world-building! Definitely a recommend from me!” — Philip Chase, Ph.D., medievalist and author of The Way of Edan • 5/5 Stars — "Author W.D. Kilpack III presents an atmospheric and immersive journey into a richly crafted fantasy world, balancing a strong character-led adventure with a wider web of plots, setting up a highly complex and enjoyable fantasy saga to follow. There’s a clear flair for character, dialogue, and attitude from the start, with Natharr's intense presence affecting all who encounter him and making for some really dynamic clashes. The weightiness of his responsibilities and the depth of the world-building immediately gripped my attention and, as the story unfolded, the way the characters’ attitudes and actions were shaped by the realism of the worldbuilding was totally compelling. This book delivers on every promise of pulse-pounding adventure — thanks to the swift pacing of the plot, coupled with dark storytelling, strong descriptive skills, and captivating character development that balances emotion with duty well. Overall, I would certainly recommend Crown Prince as an incredible opener to an exciting new fantasy series, and I’m all the more eager to continue exploring this fantastical realm." — K.C. Finn, USA Today best-selling author of The Book of Shade for Reader's Favorite • 5/5 Stars — "The literary creator in his act of creationism. Such is W. D. Kilpack III in his intriguing invention of Crown Prince: Book One of New Blood. Intermingling real world matters of both realm and state, and legendary phenomena of ancient times, Kilpack builds a mythical epic of worlds within worlds, all suspended in time and universal fantastical realism. He has crafted an imaginative tale perfect for lovers of mysticism, magic, ancient battles, romance, and supernatural fantasy. Natharr, the Guardian of Maarihk, is one of the Firstbborn [with] abilities like the gift of prophetic Sight, and he [is] charged with protecting and preparing the newly born prince of the realm, Vikari, until he is ready to take his rightful place as heir to his father’s throne. Set in a richly imagined and described enigmatic world, the story explores themes of family, love, friendship, destiny, time, and power. Adventure and action keep the reader quickly turning the pages ... deliver[ing] a strong narrative of structure, character development, and world building, which smoothly paves the way for the next book in the series, Order Of Light, which I cannot wait to read. Crown Prince is a masterful example of original storytelling, a phenomenal literary creation!" — K.L. Davidson, author of Ten Thousand Fields (British Columbia, Canada) • 4/4 Stars — "Crown Prince stands out with amazing descriptions, complex characters, and intriguing supernatural elements. Book one in the New Blood [Saga], the storyline is incredibly promising. The author has a flair for setting the scene and creating memorable characters. I absolutely loved the descriptive prowess of this author, the thing I enjoyed most about the book ... W. D. Kilpack III genuinely takes the time to help us immerse in the fantasy world, no matter if he describes a battle scene, a peaceful moment, or a mythological creature like a Hamadryad or a Manticore, he always manages to conjure the best images in our minds. The author does a great job of incorporating the supernatural elements in a general atmosphere of myth and legend ... there was nothing I disliked about this novel. I am rating Crown Prince 4 out of 4 stars ... fans of sword-and-sorcery fantasy will definitely find this novel a delightful read ... the series has the potential to acquire epic dimensions ... I am looking forward to reading the sequel, Order of Light." — OnlineBookClub.org • 5/5 Stars — "I absolutely love Crown Prince! It is a very dark epic-fantasy story following a very intimate cast of characters. The way things unfold, you’re thrown into the thick of the action right from the beginning that sinks you in right. The way events unfold to the way characters come together, you cannot help but keep flipping the pages. By the end, I was so invested, I felt so intimate with these characters, that I had to find out what happens next, so I immediately ordered book two, Order of Light! It’s such a good story! It’s such a dark-but-good story, with very good character work, you get really close with these characters, and you can’t help but want to know what happens next!" — Usman, host of Bards and Books YouTube channel (British Columbia, Canada) • 5/5 Stars — With the maps and appendix, "the characters' names, titles, and the names of fascinating places all conjured up by the mind of W. D. Kilpack III [helped] me better understand the intricate facets of this novel. Creating worlds and characters is not a easy, but the author did an excellent job. Crown Prince has everything you want: intertwining sword scenes, the battles of a war, kings, queens, knights, magic, fairies, love, sex, great beasts, and unthinkable dangers thatNatharr has to endure. Kilpack puts you in the middle as Vikari starts to grow and learn. So does Natharr for he begins to love the child as his own. Kilpack's ability to crystally describe a scene [was] like I was taking part in a meal or a sword fight. Crown Prince flowed smoothly and any fan of fantasy will rejoice [and] if you have never read a fantasy novel (like me), this one will get you hooked into the genre." — Jose F. Nodar, author of Books, Pens & Larceny (South Wales, Australia) • 5/5 Stars — "Crown Prince is one of the most brilliant fantasy novels that I have ever had the pleasure of reading and a book I am now obsessed with! Crown Prince is an incredible, thrilling and memorable story that will take its readers on a journey like no other. Crown Prince captivated me from the first page thanks to the book's sharp literature and strong opening ... [the author] is not only a phenomenal writer for his flawless ability to capture his reader's attention, but he is also a great writer for his descriptive powers and characterization of characters which will hook his readers! Crown Prince is a sensational, thrilling and addictive story that will thrill you as well as entertain you." — RedHeadedBookLover.com • 5/5 Butterflies — "Crown Prince was such a delight to read! Normally, we don't see the child growing up ... or really get a chance to get attached to whoever raised him. This author took that trope, shook it up and turned it into something amazing! We get to see the heir as a baby, to see him grow up [and] develop that close bond a son has with his father. It's a really beautiful thing ... normally glazed over in this type of story ... but you get to see how strong their bond is. I'm so grateful! Something else I really enjoyed is how well Darshelle and Natharr played off each other. Often, they have deep conversations that involve a culture clash, where they may not agree with each other's perspective, but they are willing to try to understand. I [also] loved this author's world building, especially the magic forest and all the interesting creatures that live in it! The village of the cat-people was such a fun scene and so interesting showing the cat-people society and how it was different. It was really fun! If you don't grab yourself a copy of Crown Prince, you're doing yourself a huge disservice! It's a wonderful story and such a fun read!" — Madam Crystal Butterfly • 5/5 Stars — "Kilpack delivers a stunning blow to the belief that Indie-Fantasy is worth any less that its salt. Crown Prince is a well-crafted epic with unique plot mechanisms, well-developed and believable characters, and a world grounded in the visceral and the real. I could not recommend this series any higher!" — Clay Vermulm, co-host of Sinister Soup Podcast • 5/5 Stars — "A fantastic world of swords and magic! A very strong start to the series! W.D. Kilpack III does know how to draw a reader into a world of swords and magic. I found myself unable to put the book down, diving deeper into the fantastic world. I can say, that I am a fan of his work and will soon be reading Order of Light, the second book from the New Blood [Saga]." — BooksShelf.com • 5/5 Stars — Crown Prince is "a great mix of fantasy and action and adventure! It kept me on my toes the whole time and I was completely hooked! The world building in this book is amazing. I could read 20 books in this world. The fight scenes and characters are amazing. They pull you in so deeply ... that I didn't want to stop reading way past when I should have!" — Jay.Rae.Reads • 5/5 Stars — Crown Prince illustrates "the burden of knowledge and the responsibilities involved in being able to see the future. Natharr is a great hero: think Aragorn/Alanon/Teddy Roosevelt. He bears the burden of being Guardian of Maarihk with dignity but, at the same time, is human and has flaws, like having a bit of a temper. Darshelle is conflicted and a walking contradiction, being proud and strong, while still insecure and flawed. I love the world, where magic is more subtle, while there is another element that reminded me of Greek mythology, because the gods are real and took direct action in history. There is some violence, which seems to fit well within the framework of this world where epic fantasy and realism are intertwined." — Critic, Salt Lake City, UT • 5/5 Stars — Crown Prince is "a fantastic tale filled with all things beautiful, dark, and magical! Filled with adventure and drama! The author's world is absolutely stunning, and I can't wait to read the next installment in the story!" — Cherumanalil (Bangalore, India) • 4/4 Stars — Crown Prince is "an adventure full of thrilling moments [that] hook you right from page one. Each page has a new secret to unfold. This book made a mark on my mind and now I cam curious to read the other books in the series. I loved reading it and have rated it four stars. Books like these deserve the hype!" — Read With Emilee • 5/5 Stars — "From the start you are drawn into a world of fantasy. With each page, you want more. The author gives the feel you are the character fighting for your life and those you defend. A great read, with the power to keep you from putting it down. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in something new, with a twist and feel of a classic fantasy!" — Tom Carr, author of Talking to Yourself in the Dark • 4/4 Stars — Crown Prince is "an absolutely brilliant fantasy read ... [Kilpack created] a master introduction. The plot building was incredible. The journey sucks you in so much that you immediately want to carry on with the series. I'll definitely complete this series." — Twilight Reader (Wales) • 4/4 Stars — "If you're looking for something new with a a twist of classic fantasy, this is for you. It amazes me that someone can create an entire world from scratch with everything that this involes. Character building is wonderful and the descriptions of what happens are good. It is very detailed, so you get immersed in the story. Lots of things happen in this book. [Crown Prince] is a good and strong start for a new series!" — June.Reads (London, England) • 4/4 Stars — Crown Prince is "a lovely fantasy. Great read! Great characters! Writing style amazing! I loved this world. A new author I discovered and hope to read more from this author in the future!" — Rhianny DD Morris (South Wales, Australia) • 4.7/5 Stars — Crown Prince "transported me into a world where life-and-death situations were commonplace and everyone had a cause to fight for! The distinction between the Firstborn and the Aa was fascinating [and] really got me hooked! The characters are fantastic, descriptions of battles draw in you and there's a shock in every chapter! I love fantasy books and I'll add this to my pile of highly recommended sagas!" — Books with Gina (England) • 4.5/5 Stars — Crown Prince is like "watching a movie. The author has narrated ... in a very fluent and visual way. It is an adventurous and twisted novel that will always keep the reader wanting more. Every page is a new unfolding and a new mystery. The plot is exquisite and emphasizes important values like willpower, determination, and truth. A captivating read [especially] those in search of something abnormally smart!" — Reads.Nancy • 4.5/5 Stars — "Crown Prince is one of the most fantastic fantasy books that I have read so far! The book is a blend of thrills, mystery, fun, excitement, and drama! It has got everything that a good book should have. The plot is unpredictable and twisted. So much is happening all at once, but the smooth narration takes care of it all." — Just Pratibha (India) • 4/5 Stars — "A fantastic read! What a grand story in Crown Prince. I am very impressed with the writing and storytelling. Kilpack does a great job of building a world filled with princes, pasts that dictate the future. Kilpack details the scenes, filled with action, and brings the creatures to life! Crown Prince is filled with swords and sorcery, magic, myths and legends, that really bring it as believable. This author is a great storyteller. The story brings the reader on a superb journey. Who could ask for more when it's filled with magical/fantastical creatures and other interesting beings?" — Amy's Bookshelf • "Once I got into [Crown Prince], I struggled to put it down! The world Kilpack has created is so detailed and imaginative you can't help but be drawn in. This book is a fantasy that give you war, knights, romance and hidden dangers. It covers it all! As the first in the series, it sets the scene brilliantly ... I would recommend this book to anyone who likes fantasy books and fairytales!" — Kat Books Teas Cakes (UK) • "I had the pleasure of reading Crown Prince and Kilpack — he makes maps, folks! — emphasizes detail. The characters are living real lives, even though it's a fantasy. It was well done! He built his world with great care and precision." — Ken Weene, Ph.D., co-host of the Let's Talk It Over videocast
12. Warnings: Violence, Sexual Content, Mature Themes; suitable for older teens and adults.
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The pair from nine were instantly laughed at by the carrers and the pairs from 4 and 7 causing Keith and particularly Winnow to embarrassingly walk further on. Keith embarked upon the chariot first before Winnow find Mayfair and Julia both from 12 chatting away with there mentor Harley Davidson victor of the 107th hunger games. WInnow soon befriended julia with the 2 bonding over there ridiculous outfits. Mayfair in particular found there conversation quite amusing before joining in. Harley seemed a little annoyed at his tributes lack of attention to what he was trying to tell his tributes but soon smiled before giving a knowing nod to junnius. However Keith remained rooted to the carriage apparently having his “Tough guy persona” wiped from his face as Silca put it. Junnius smirked before asking Keith if he “wanted to listen now?”
As Keith nodded Winnow soon returned as Frida did some final touch ups with the pair’s outfits. Pluto and Ariana were approached by London and Wyoming both from 6 marveling at the pairs outfits. Wyoming even gigled to herself before London complemented Pluto’s and Ariana’s outfits. He smiled before signing ‘thanks”
The boys soon signed to each other about there lives in there own districts London then asked the pair if they would be interested in a potential alliance, After Pluto looked back at Regina she nodded as Ariana and PLuto accepted this. London smiled before returning his loopy district partner back to there own horse carriage as Pluto and Ariana hopped back on there own carriage as the parade then begun.
After the usual fanfare for the carrers and the total contrast of outfits for the pair from 4 viewres seemed entranced with the pair from 5s garud themed outfits with Nico Anderson commentated that “A for effort at the title.” Pluto regaly waved to many audience members as they signed his name. Ariana looked at him before grinning signing “Sorry for the attuide I didnt mean the way I acted.’ Pluto smiled and nodded before taking her hand as they waved to the audience. Further down the parade line up the pairwere very embarrassed at there outfits with there faces of disgust being posted over future “captiol memes” on Golden 24. Still they did there best efforts in making a second impression as few captial citzens through roses and chocolates at the pair out of pure pity. As the parade came to an end president mcaine did his usual speech about the importance of panem before welcoming nico Anderson to the stage. He congratulated the stylists on a good job before crowning district 2 the title of Anderson fashions best dressed with there stunning stonemason inspired outfits.
The next day without to much fanfare from the night prior all mentors and brought there tributes to the training hall at percisly 10 am per usual. Head master Price gave his usual stern greeting before ‘reminding the tributes” about the consequences of tongfouleraly by turning on his taser as the training staff followed before dismissing the tributes to there own stations.
As per there argeement Ariana Pluto Wyoming and London practiced together mainly staying at the camouflage station for most of the first and second day until being ordered to practice at a different station. However when Ariana refused to a training staff member tasered her in the back before being removed from training for a day. Pluto turned to London before signing “She’s gonna get us killed before we even get into the arena.” London laughed before taking him to the toxilogical station as Wyoming somehow remained hidden in the camfolouage station until the end of the second day. When Apollo was shooing the tributes to the accesors room Wyoming jumped out at him causing Apollo to shreik before peacekeepers soon escorted Wyoming to the asscors room alone as most of the other tributes lauhjed.
As for Keith and Winnow Keith mainly practiced with Sailor from 4 at the trident station. However training staff had to break up a fight after Sailor after he angrily accused Keith of purposley distracting him after he coughed rather loudly after sailor missed his trident has it nearly projectiled back at him. Meanwhile Winow mainly stayed with Mayfair and Julia at the medic station watching Mayfair and Julia explain the basics of sowing a wound and cpr. At the end of the 2 days a rather angry training master price then escorted price to the training hall.
After the strong displays of the carrers and the mediocre displays of the outliers Pluto was welcomed in. As he was permitted an interpreter he signed that ‘he'd show his camouflage skills.” The game makers soon groaned before he also signed he’d “Like the lights off”. Curious sounds of intreigue went through out teh accors box as game maker monty allowed this as the assors room went dark. As his interpreter moved close to him as he begun his “camfoluage experties”. After 5 minutes the lights were turned on many of the assorcs were quiet suprised where the only spots that were seen was his white eyes. He then waved as the assecors appluaded. Ariana was welcomed in next unforeanutly for her knife display went poor as the game makers soon dismissed her,
Later on the line up Keith performed a rather decent sword display with poor accuracy. Winnow on the other hand bored the asscors with the typical toxical quiz.
As evening soon falled in the results were displayed on capital tv. WIth the usual good scores of the carrers Keith scored a 8 Pluto scored a 7 . London a 6 and Slip from 8 also scoring a 6 Winnow and Wyoming from 6 both scoring a 4 and at the bottom of the pack Ariana and Ignatia from 3 scoring a 3.
Regina was somewhat pleased with Pluto score but saractsicaly reminded Ariana that “Better scores more sponsors.” Ariana snarled back saying “Bite me im going to be dead in a few days anyway.” Regina grumbled to herself beofre Francis approached the pair with there uniforms for the interviews.
As Junnius he was pleased with both of his tributes scores awarding them with some captial cake before Frida quickly made her tributes interview outfits for her tributes as Junnius soon quizzed the 2 on “Propper interview edicate.”
Silca MOnty welcomed the excited capital audience regally waving and modeling her tropical dress consisting of real palm tree leaves and the top consisting of a light beige and to top it off Silca hair was dyed a light green making her a real life palm tree. After some comedic banterring session with the front audience members she welcomed in the carrers. After there successful interviews and the rather boring interviews from the pairs from3 and 4 Ariana was welcomed in. She walked dimly into the studious fashiong a silver gown with newly dyed silver hair. Even though this was Silca’s one of few years commentating she had to put on a strong face as she was unable to get any word to her as she was shouting obscenities at the capital and Silca in particular nearly tackled Ariana to the ground after she was shouting obscenities about the Monty family. After peace keepers escorted Ariana out Pluto was welcomed to the stage.
He was adorned in a silver suit with a light brown bountier and his reddish brown hair with her hair also dyed a crisp white. He was also allowed an interpreter she was adorned in a similar dress to Silca to commenterate the games. Pluto’s interview went rather dully at first but he soon “came out his shell’ before signing about how his district partner acted like a “Rotten brat’’ and how he’d “want to get the short holiday” done and over with as soon as possible. The audience was in a mix between jeers and cheers as Silca was pleased with the rather quick interview she then shooed the boy off the stage before continuing on. After the interview of Slip from 8 Winnow was welcomed to the stage. Winnow was adorned with a beige gown with corn themed embleshents littering her hair which had been put up into a bun.
Winnow gracefully chatted with Silca about every topic besides the games a fact that “Greatly surprised” many members of the audience. Even Silca tried her best to get a word in about the games Winnow would only talk louder completely erasing her graceful entrance. Soon the interview host shooed the girl of the stage before Keith was also welcomed in sporting the same scowl as Ariana had shown. He mainly insulted Silca through out his interview leading she and the audience to jeer Keith of the stage. After the easy interviews of the pairs from 10 11 12 and the and the popular interviews from the pair from 14 she happily welcomed her husband to the stage. As rapid cheers followed he kissed his wife before she rather “Akwardly” asked her husband for a hint on the arena. Game maker monty sniggered before surprisingly offering a small hint up. ‘An old game character from the time before spent most of his time on this beach trying to save a damsel in distress.’
Curious sounds of intrigue and shouts of “OOOOOOO” sounded as both husband and wife bowed as the audience cheered on. Back at the apartments both mentors seemed rather furious with there tributes Regina in particular became defeated after stopping an argument Ariana started with pluto.
The next day the tributes were given a breif breakfest before being flown to this years arena. This years arena’s outfits featured a light yellow tank top with a short sleeved over coat and shorts. Regina ultmaitley did not want to vist both of her tributes however Francis opted to vist Ariana which made Regina smile. Beofre Pluto got into his tube Regina smiled before signing “Stay out of trouble”. Pluto laughed before nodding as the pair had shock her hand Regina soon stooped him before saying “Love is the worse enemy of them all.” Pluto had become rather confused before he soon walked into his tube. As for Ariana she made on final attempt to escaping the games but Francis imedtlay swooped in and particularly yanked Ariana in her tube before he ordered peacekeepers to garud her tubes as ariana angrily bashed against her tube.
Unforeanutly for the pair from 9 Junnius did not vist them as Keith and Winnow nodded at each other the pair got dressed in there uniforms before being rose into the humid beachy arena.
This years games took place in Delfino Plaza
To many in the excited members in snow square this years arena was a reference to a very popular game from the time before known as “Super Mario Sunshine”. The corncopuia was below the shine sprite tower featuring mini knives swords and blow guns,. With a handful of foods in the heart of the corncopuia however tributes did not know this but these food items were highly vemnous. Outside the cornocpuia small boats were known to slowly go out to the islands that were connected to the arena. The first island featured a large mansion that featured many non venomous foods however every hour a large electric manta ray would regularly swim through the arena which would cause a near fatal electric shock if a tribute were to touch it. On the second island featured a bustling amusement park with rides that would cause a “Quick death” or “Nausea’ if these rides werent handled with care, Many yellow snapping turtles with green shells were also notted to freguent teh arena which these shells were called as “Koppas’ by SIlca.
Back in the main island featured many palm trees and buildings that also had many market places with more poisonous foods. Finally on top of the arena featured a large volcano that would reagulry pour only small amount of lava and “Unwanted Pests”. Such as many long raccoons with sharp teeth and walking bombs
Day 1
As the tributes rose into this years arena winnow imedtlay flagged down Julia from 12. She smiled dimmly pointed at the pair from 2 Marcus and Hera flagging the pair from 1 and surprisingly the pair from 4 as well. Keith was also flagged down by Mayfair from 12. Apparently realizing that the pairs district partners were friends Keith smirked before pointing at Slip from 8 walling loudly. However with the pair from 5 they were put next to each other as Ariana scowled as Pluto became relived seeing London and Wyoming from 6 giving them a careful nod, And as the gong trialed down to the final 10 seconds ariana begun shouting more verbal taunts resulting in many of the audience members to shout “Shut up”.
As the gong sounded the games finally begun. Surprisingly all 24 tributes barrled into the corncopuia building. Ariana darted in first with Wyoming soon following as London signed at Pluto to run in. He did this before pushing aside Slip from 8 as he was stabbed by Brock from 3 in the heart. Pluto soon grabbed a sword before being crashed into by the boy from 1 holding a dager to his throat. London shoutted out before unforenautly becoming the girl from ones target the 2 fighting very vicosuly . Thankfully for Pluto the boy from 1 was soon bashed into the wall by Arogrio from 11. He then got up before running away with Wyoming soon following him rapidly shouting “Come back there still in the hell bath.” Wyoming soon dashed after before being hit with a sword in the back by Hera from 2. Ariana soon grinned at seeing many of the knives before pocketing nearly every one of them resulting in Silca calling her “Selfish.” London gave a grim stare at Wyoming before grabbing Ariana’s hand running toward PLuto but in a diffrent direction nearly being hit with a knife by the furious girl from 1 who had been unable to save her district partner from Agorio. Keith then was the 14th tribute to dash in alongside Mayfair unforeanutly as the remaing tributes started to scatter Both Sailor and AnaMaria from 4 soon through there knives simtaneisouly into there backs as Julia and Winnow grimly looked on. However to avoid being the carrers next targets they only grabbed 2 knives before running away to the near by gondola as it brought them to island 2.
As the blood bath soon dyed out the 5 blood bath cannons sounded signfing the deaths of the boy from 1 Wyoming from 6 Slip from 8 Keith from 9 and Mayfair from 12. Pluto frantically ran into a near by market grabbing many fruits before running further away to the near by buildings climbing to the top of one curling up into a ball and looking concerningly out. However as Ariana and London soon came toward the building they soon yelped seeing PLuto standing toward the edge griping on for dear life. With a heavy effort London soon gripped onto Pluto’s body however as London successfully yanked Pluto down the 3 sat down in a disorganized heep. Ariana soon laughed before signing Pluto should “Not be such a wimp.”
Pluto snarrled back before tossing some fruit to Ariana. As she walked over and looked like she was about to eat some of it many viewers in snow square laughed hysterically with Silca recounting “She must be dnese.”
Before Ariana was about to eat the mango fruit a knife came whistling into Ariana’s shoulder. She winced as she saw Gerogio and Frida both from 10 hurling many near by koopas at the pair. However this idea soon back fired as the koopa Gerogio was holding chomped his hand he ket out a large yelp as Pluto soon barrled into Ariana removing the knife from her shoukder and throwing it into Frida’s heart, Her cannon soon sounded follwoing by his district partner. Ariana soon shouted “are you crazy!”. Pluto rolled his eyes before smiling as London fist bumped him.
The 3 of them soon surveyed the area nearly being found by the carrers however as London had grew hungry he grabbed a near by pineapple fruit. Beofre slicing it cleanly open. He soon was about to drink the liquids of this pinapple however Pluto angrily slapped London in the face. However as London soon was about to sign why he had just slapped him he brought a rather angry Ariana before dumping the liquid on her hand. As Ariana;s hand soon sweled PLuto signed “Put it in water youll be fine”. Ariana scowled as London laughed before signing back “Thanks.”
Pluto smiled before grinning as 2 sponsor gifts then flew down. Pluto smiled before opening his gift a blow gun with a hand ful of darts with a note attached saying “Keep that brat at an arms length” from R. He smiled dimmly before his eyes turned to a shade of suprise seeing Londons sponsor gift some morphine and an assorment of foods.
Pluto turned to London signing “You do this stuff?”
London nodded dully before saying “I have and still kinda do.”
Pluto dully looked forward before London asked “Something wrong.”
The boys did not say much for the next 10 minutes before Pluto signed “I knew someone who did those in the past.” Londons face whitened before pouring most of the context out as he smiled and nodded “ Pluto smiled however Viewers could see London’s face turned a grim shade of grey as he poured the remaining liquid into a near capsule before muttering to hismelf. Pluto soon tapped him on the shoulderi as the boys giggled seeing Ariana angrily fighting with some of the none violet koopas.
The boys soon helped Arianaout before cleaning her wound on her shoulder. Ariana gruffly walked in the other direction sleeping behind a near by palm tree. As Evening fell on the arena the boys soon rejoined there sleeping ally. With Pluto keeping watch for the night. As for Winnow and Julia they succesfuly ran aout the corncopuia fray hoping on the gondola. As the island arrived at the island they heard a sharp scream as Brock and Ignatia both from 3 went screaming in the opposite direction. As both of the girls looked on in horror as teh pair from 2 went running after them with knives at the ready. As Julia encouraged Winnow to hurry up before both girls screamed as the pair from 4 wet chassing after them.
Winnow soon hoped up toward the ferris wheel ride which had suprsingly been going slow. As she successfully boarded one of them Winnow soon shouted for Julia to hurry up. Foretanutly for the girl from 12 she successfully grabbed on to Winnows hand as the girls soon panted in exhaustion both the pair from 4 soon swore as the pair 2 and the girl from 1 angrily yelled at the pair for letting the outliars get away. However as Sailor shoutted at Marcus in particular for chassing down “The geeky brats” Marcus sighed before snapping Salior’s neck. As his cannon sounded Ana maria shoutted out in horror before she to had her neck snapped cleanly by the girl from 1. As 2 cannons sounded Winnow and Julia clinged on to each other for dear life as the carrers continued to search for them.
As the carrers soon gave up some viewers in snow square cheered as a sponsor gift soon flew in for the pair. Winnow and Julia smiled at the small feast that they were provided as they ate and talked about there own home lives with Winnow in particular being quiet surprised hearing about the recent changes that have happened in districts 12 that theyre mentor Harley Davidson had implemented.
As the girls fell asleep on the feris wheel horn of plently played featuring the 9 fallen tributes leaving 17 remaing.
Day 2
As the early morning sunrise entered the arena game maker monty made a live announcement to the arena. He congratulated the 17 remaining tributes on making it too the second day of the games before announcing that the tributes had 5 minutes to arrive at island 1 or 2 before the volcano woulf eurpt killing anyone in its way. As game maker monty signed off the remaining tributes stampeded to the near by gongdelas. Monica from 8 had been the first casuality to the event as the pair from3 enegerneered the walking bombs as Monica picked one up it exploded leaving nothing left.
Ariana Pluto and London soon darted out of there hiding spot as they imedtlay hopped on the gondola to island 1. However as the 3 painted in exhaustion Ashley and the boy from 7 hoped out at the pair with knives at the ready. Ariana soon shoved Pluto out of the way as she through her kife as it landed in the boy from 7s heart. As his cannon sounded Ashley caught London unspectedly off garud as she then threw her kinfe toward London’s head. Luckily fr London the knife only hit him in the lower adomen. Ariana soon charged into Ashley the 2 girls soon begun a viscous fist fight however as the volcano soon euerpted Ariana then got the upper hand pushing Ashley out of the gondola. As her cannon sounded Pluto imedtlay ran over to Lodon before taking out the knife from his adomen,
As London screamed out Pluto signed to him to “SHH”. However as another cannon sounded the three hid behind one of the walls for the time being. Silca explained to the captial audience that this was Daisy from 11 after she had a run in with the pair from 14 as they chased Daisy up into the volcano area as Hanah soon pushed the girl into the lava. As for the aliance of Winnow and Julia both girls stayed hidden on the ferris wheel as the reaming 3 carrers stayed below watching the ferris wheel intently.
As a suspenseful quiet soon crossed the arena and in snow square Julia gently climbed to the top of the box. As she quietly hoped out Winnow noticed before saying “The death pits down there and were 25ft in the air.”
Julia smiled before saying to “trust her”.
Winnow sighed before grabbing Julia’s hand. However unforeanytly for the girls the ferris wheel creaked rather loudly waking Hera. As she rubbed her eyes in a tired heep she alerted her other carrer allys as they begun hurling many of there weapons at the pair.
Winnow then looked back at Julia before pointing at Arogio from 11 who had about to attack Marcus. The girl from 1 soon noticed Arogio and shoutted in a rather horse tone that “he’d pay for killing her district partner.”

Arogio laughed and taunted the girl to try as the carrers soon changed there target to the boy from 11 allowing bith girls to make a mad dash to gongdela 1 with out the carrers noticing. Silca later recounted that “This year may be the werdist year in history.”
As Arogio’s cannon sounded the 2 outliar girls soon jumped off the ferris wheel only having a scraped knee between the both of them. After a short gomgdela ride they had arrived at the island. Due to it being noon and the captial being pleased with the amount of bloodshed teh tributes were allowed to have a rest “For now.”
Julia in particular was rather exhausted for the mormings events so the girls rested in the mansions first floor. The girls kept each other from boredoom by playing a popular childrens game called “Eye spy.” With most of there objects they wanted the other to look for being rather impoosible to find leaving both the girls laughing. However this laughter turned to horror as the manta ray soon mad her hourly appearnce as one cannon sounded.
After the run in the aliance of Ariana Pluto and London with the pair from 7 they imedtlay ran into the mansion and hid hwoever they triggered the next arena event.
As teh 3 went screaming they fell down into a casino room. However the three of them did not what was happening a ghostly voice soon eerily said. “Score 7777 and you’ll be free failure to do so one of you will be dead.”
As many casino machines popped up. PLuto imedtlay grabbed onto his blow gun and darts as London weakly rested on the ground as Ariana went to the near by cassino machine. As London begun to bleed out more Pluto screamed before trying to apply pressure on his friends wound however as London weakly grabbed onto Pluto before screamingas Ariana stabbed London in throat. Pluto screamed out before grabbing his blow gun and huffing 2 darts out. She soon signed and shouted that London would of been “Dead anyway.”
However Pluto then huffed into his blow gun as a dart when whistling into Ariana’s arm. She sighed before getting the 7777 number on the near by machine. As the ghost like figure nodded Ariana grinned before rather vindectively signing “You’’ll be London soon”. As the pair from 5 begun battling many citzens in the captial were shoutting at Pluto to win this “Fight” but unfroeanutly for him Ariana manged to steal the blow gun before pointing it over Pluto’s neck.
As Ariana held the blow gun to Pluto's neck, the tension in the room escalated. The citizens in the Capitol watched intently, their excitement palpable. Pluto's eyes darted around, searching for any possible escape route, but he found himself cornered with nowhere to go.
Suddenly, a loud alarm blared through the casino room, signaling the end of the event. The ghostly voice echoed once again, announcing that time was up and the game was over. Ariana hesitated for a moment, torn between her desire to eliminate Pluto and getting hell out of the casino.
Ariana then sighed in angry huff before helping PLuto up signing “Stop for now.”
However Pluto did not listen and continued teh fight as he held his knife to Ariana’s throat. Hwoever Ariana got the upper hand again as she then huffed into blow gun behind her as an dart flew into Plutos nose. He screamed out in pain before Ariana then blew another dart as it landed in Pluto’s heart.
His cannon sounded as many jeers sounded in snow square with Silca rolling her eyes saying “the girl will never change.”
The ghost soon pushered her back into the manison as Ariana returned to the dock of the island resting in a tired heep.
She then noticed Julia and Winnow making there way back to the main island. Another cannon sounded un the late evening signfing the death of Victente from 14 after he was betrayed by his own ally Hannah.
Julia kept watch as Winnow slept with Horn of plenty playing at midnight featuring the fallen tributes. Pluto from 5 London from 6 the pair from 7 monica from 8 the pair from 11 and Vicente from 14 leaving 8 tributes remaing.
Day 3
Ariana and Winnow awoke rather early making them the first 2 tributes to awake. Ariana in particular spent most of her time traversing the mansion becoming bored as she then tried to re enter the gambling room but she soon given blast area as she tried to open the shut door. She stood around in huff before quietly before rather suprisngly falling bacj to sleep in plain sight. As for the girls Julia smirked as Winnow had appeard to be talking in her sleep.
As she gently placed her hand through WInnow hair she woke up. Julia appokigezed before Winnow saying to “not worry.” As Julia’s face turned bright red Winnow laugehd As a some sponor gifts flew down for the pair they soon fell onto each other in amusment as 3 cannons osunded. This was proven to be the pair from 3. They were ambushed by teh carrers with Ignatia being able to throw a near by raccon at the girl from1 however. As the girls cannon sound the pair from 3 were then taken down by the pair from 2.
The girls soon opted to not move from there location as they rested in each others arms for the remainder of the day, Ariana on the other hand awoke from round 2 of her slumber before notcing one of the near by Koppas wandering near by. She then killed it as she then found a near bomb. After succesfuly diffused it she heard another cannon sound.
This was Marcus from 2 after Hera from 2 betrayed him on the second island while they were running as one of the near by rides when whistling into pair. Hera got to higher ground as she then pushed Marcus off the ride they were on resulting in a rather painful death for the boy from 2.
As Ariana returned to the corncopuia silca sighed in sacrastic manner saying she’d did not want to know what was going through the girls mind.
At midnight the fallen were shown dispkaying the portaits of the girl from 1 Marcus from 2 and both of the tributes from 3 leaving 4 tributes remaing. Hera from 2 Ariana from 5 Winnow from 9 and Julia from 12 remaing.
Day 4
In the early morning one cannon sounded. This was shown to the captial audience to be Hera from 2 after she fell into the shell trap set by Ariana from 5.
Game maker monty congratulated the final 3 tributes on making it to the finally before telling them they had 5 minutes to return to the coroncoupia towere before having there tracker denoated. As Julia and WInnow made there journey to the tower Winnow looked into Julia’s eyes as the gongdela arrived at the main island both of the girls took caution as they saw the sprite shine very brightly. Soon a voice was heard saying “Come closer.” Julia made the rather stupid desscion as she steeped on one of teh many shells that were put up in the corncopuia. Many of her supporters in snow square shoutted at her to walk back it was to late as she soon blasted into the air before landing rather on her back. Ariana laughed before huffing into her blow gun as an arrow flew into the barley conocius Julia’s throat. Her cannon sounded as WInnow looked on in horor.
She grinned saying “You look like you havent been (Alive enough).” Ariana barked out in laughter saying that “this was the time where she could be free from the pure horror room.”
WInnow imedtlay grabbed onto her remaing knife before dogding ,any of the darts ariana was blowing at her. However Ariana soon tackled Winnow to ground before a brutal fust fight took place. Many viewrs in snow square were shoutting at Winnow to get up. Rather surprisingly Ariana suddenly stopped. She looked up at Ariana before laughing horsely before throwing the turtle’s at Winnow.
Winnow sighed and then screamed “Stop throwing your toys at me there explodable.”
Ariana laughed before soon catching her breath in exhaustion shouting at her to come out.
As Winnow was no where to be found viewers in the captial sighed disparingly as many thought she had been exploded. But rather suprsingly Winnow had been right been Ariana before saying “Suprise”.
Ariana yelped as Winnow then hurled her knife into Ariana’s brain. Her cannon sounded imedtlay as Winnow smiled saying “Seeya physco.” As respectable appluse soundded game make rmonty crowned Winnow Fraiser of District 9 to be the victor of the 113th hunger games Winnow smiled before taking the peacekeepers hands as she was escorted out of the arena.
Winnow was delcared to have no major injuries in the arena before being brought to her victors interview with Silca Monty. Silca was adorned in a formal gown which resmbled a chinesse princess. A land that would be captured by the captial. Please see story 138 true history’s begings.
Winnow was also welcomed on with respctable appluse fashioning a heige gown with golden spirtes resmebling the corcnoupia littering the dress. Unforeanutly Winnow had been rather quiet during her victors interview leaving a rather uncomfortable silence within the studios however. Silca managed to gear the interview to a less depressing point by talking about Winnow’s time in the arena.
After going over her time in the arena Silca reavled her victors nickname to be teh sunshine shadow.
Winnow smilled saying she’d “take it.”

She then waved as the audience cheered respectively as Silca welcomed her husband Cyrus to the stage.
Many cheers soon sounded as game maker monty regarly waved at the audience before kissing his wife. She then turned on a complamtion of his past 5 years of game making. Even showing a video of Quintin Mahoney Herminia Gold Ezra Montario Amanda mils Belle Figoura and even Winnow congratulating him on a succesful 6 years of game making. Cyrus smiled before bowing as the capital crowd cheered on as Silca ended the interview there.
Winnow returned home to district 9 the follwoing day, She alledly refused to stay for even party many genrous captial lights had offered to her. However she would return once year to the captial for her suty as an mentor. However she was adorned as hero throught district 9 as she moved into the victors village with her mother and grandmother.
When she became an adult she married a baker named Donmic Tanzi as the pair married and had two kids unforeanutly one of them would be chosen for a later games. She was known to be not to much of an helpful mentor but liked when her tributes “Actually shown the strength she approved of” Leading to have some what of an better track record in the games.
And that is the end of story 113 I hope you all enjoyed . This was one of my longer tales but one of my favorites to write. But yep after 114th games the european chrocnicle files will be out. As this shows what happens with Panems eueropean allies;. So i hope you all have a wonderful morning noon or night or what ever time it is for you and as we always say. Panem today panem tomrow panem forever.

I’m not 100% sure but in order to do this you need to have the 05-07 Nissan V35 with Navigation Package and possibly the premium Bose system. Also not sure if it will be the same for the US Infiniti G35
I’ve been looking around to find a way to add Bluetooth music streaming for the G without replacing the head unit (plus metra/jdm style fascia) which is very very expensive, using fm transmitter with so much static or buying GROM BT3 for almost AUD$300. Here’s what I found:
Trumpet VQ ( https://youtu.be/WLpWkPo1OqE ) has a tutorial on how to add AUX and later on add Bluetooth connection by soldering an RCA adapter to the TV tuner, connecting it to an aux cable, and in another video using a Bluetooth module with Volt converter. He mentions VTR plug to RCA adapter and something about AVC14 as an easier option rather than soldering. I have been looking for so called VTR plug and it is very hard to find. There is an expensive one called BEAT SONIC AVC14 RCA for Murano which is very expensive AUD$94. Alternatively I found a similar item.
I found a VTR Adapter used for the Nissan Elgrand E51 on Amazon which seems to have the same TV tuner as the G35 ( https://youtu.be/9idsKBODNn8?feature=shared )
So in theory if I connect the VTR to RCA cable to the tuner -> Connect RCA to auxiliary cable -> connect Auxiliary to Bluetooth Transmitter -> connect transmitter to cigarette outlet for power = Better Music streaming. This is all in theory for now until my items arrive to test it out. I will add something to this or remove it if it doesn’t work out.
These are the products I bought on Amazon VTR to RCA Adapter for Nissan Elgrand - https://amzn.asia/d/crZ5hO4

RCA to Aux 5 metre cable - https://amzn.asia/d/hfIsaA1 Aux to Bluetooth - https://amzn.asia/d/bGjTEjk 

I'm looking for a video from a live show, I think it was titled 'Decker Arrives!' featuring the character of Agent Decker arriving to free President Davidson. He comes from the audience but can't get onto the stage and has to get audience members to give him a boost. All while a voiceover is saying 'Freeze " over and over.
Does anyone have a link?

My community is romanian so it was originally written in romanian, just translated it with chat gpt now so that may be why some words or expressions sound weird.
How to Find Urban Exploration Locations Without Someone's Help
Google is your friend: Search, Maps, and Earth.
Most of the locations I explore are found online. The internet is the most important resource we have in urban exploration and it's not that hard to use it properly. If you search and don't find information online (let's say in Bucharest), it means you haven't searched enough (I've been to hundreds of locations in the past year, and 90% were found online) xD
I. Before you search, you need to ask yourself a few questions:

1. What do you want to find?

Okay, urban exploration locations. What kind of locations? Are they abandoned houses or buildings, unfinished construction sites, abandoned industrial buildings, forts or bunkers, etc. There are many options, and you can easily find information by using specific searches.

1. Where is the location?

Again, the volume of information on the internet is absolutely huge, and it helps to have a specific search (street, sector, city, county, region, country etc.).

1. In what form do you think the information you want is? Where do you think you'll find it? Is it a social media post or a blog? Is it an article in the press? Is it in an official document?

Depending on the answer, you can adapt your search. In practice, various terms are used depending on the purpose of the text. The most efficient way to get used to this (it becomes instinctive at some point) is practice :))
II. Finding a potential location and confirming it.
The most basic option is to search for pre-made lists of abandoned places. You can search on Google for "abandoned places Bucharest" and find posts on forums, websites, social media, etc.
Obviously, the information is not always up to date (in fact, in urban exploration, it's rarely up to date), and you need to check if the location is still abandoned, which is relatively simple. Let's say you found Alex Iacob's website (Reptilianul) and see an interesting location. Let's say Aversa. It's not a good idea to assume that's all because you might end up at the location and find it's a guarded ruin (or that you're trying to enter an active building protected by the military even though it seemed like a ruin online - real story, sadly).
I first search on Google Earth what the location looks like (btw, just because it looks like that on Earth or Maps doesn't mean it's like that in reality because the image is not always updated) and check 3D or street view. If it still looks abandoned (broken windows, broken fences, graffiti, holes in walls, vegetation, holes in the roof, etc.), I do some searches on Google to find additional information. You don't always find something useful like this, but in the case of famous buildings, there is plenty of information online (check their current status and look for the latest news/posts). In the case of less known buildings, it helps to search for the exact address to see what their situation is.
And if we're talking about searches, there are some relatively well-known things ignored by many people. When you search for something on a standardized search engine (let's say a simple search on Google), you find enough close results. Basically, it searches for similar terms but not exact ones, which usually doesn't help us. You can avoid this by using an advanced search (especially since you can avoid some terms, so if you're looking for a news story about an abandoned building, you can avoid news about mainstream ones) or by putting the searched terms in quotation marks. Another thing is searching for the type of documents. Let's say you want to search for locations using some official documents. In this case, you can search by file type. For example: "abandoned buildings" filetype:pdf (and you find documents in pdf format containing the words you searched for).
Well, now you can search for some tips and tricks on Google searches because there are plenty of them :))
Another option is to spend a lot of time on Maps or Earth to find locations that seem abandoned and then check them. Here it's about patience and discipline. You can't really rush the process, you just have to invest time and effort, and you'll find locations 100%.
III. Physically verifying online information.
Regardless of your skill in finding online information, you still need to physically verify it. This depends on the person and your circumstances.
I'm more paranoid by nature, and I admit I have some issues with anxiety/overthinking, so I try to make everything as safe as possible (especially from a legal point of view). This means I don't take many risks, I check the buildings physically before entering, I take a quick look around without entering at that time. I look for guards, cameras, entry and exit ways from a building (the entrance can be slower but subtle, the exit should be quick, even if it's too obvious). Preferably, multiple exits and entrances, just in case (and it works, I haven't received any fines in 4-5 years of urban exploration).
What you do next is your choice. I prefer not to take risks if I see something suspicious; it's not like the location will disappear if I don't enter it right away.
IV. You've seen a location in someone's post and want to go there too.
Here it's complicated (obviously, you don't spam the person with messages "give me the location too"). If the photos are from inside a building, it's hard to figure out the location (not impossible). In theory, a location posted recently on this subreddit would have a vague location posted by the author (city or region, nothing more exact, and that only if the exact location is not obvious).
So you have a starting point, you know the approximate area. To increase your chances of success, you need to figure out what type of building it is. Some are impossible to find without someone giving you the location (like the recent post about Mrs. Eugenia's house here) because it's just a simple house and there shouldn't be any online information about it. Furthermore, it's not a "special" or "unique" location that you can differentiate from other houses in Romania. Other locations are easier; you see a logo, specific equipment, or anything that helps you figure out what the location was used for. For example, you see an old train and think it's something related to the Romanian Railways. Or you see an old gas mask and think it's some industrial building from the communist era. If you know the relative area, you have a chance to find the area because you've advanced to "abandoned industry Constanța" (hypothetically speaking).
If the photo is of the exterior, the situation changes (for the better) because you have a higher chance of finding the location. What do you see in that photo? Do you recognize anything? Let's say it's a photo taken from some buildings in Bucharest, and you see a fairly large lake. There aren't that many large lakes in Bucharest; you've already found some approximate areas where that building could be. Usually, there are enough details in the photos, and you can use them: tall buildings with the corporate logo on them, giant advertisements, emblematic buildings, maybe even traffic signs with the names of streets.
If you see this information, you further reduce the possible locations. You definitely find the area using Google Earth 3D view and street view to find the exact place (you practically walk around until you find from which direction the photo was taken, and then you look to see if it looks abandoned. If not, it's probably a normal building that someone climbed, so you can look for graffiti, but those are not mandatory).
Another option that rarely works (but is quick and free, so I usually test it first) is reverse search by image. I recommend a browser extension: Invid Weverify, which basically searches for an image using multiple sites (it's for fact-checking, but geolocation is part of it, so it's useful).
For those interested in geolocation, I can give you some references to something more detailed/useful. See what techniques are used in OSINT and adapt them for finding urbex locations lol. I recommend the book "OSINT Techniques: Resources for Uncovering Online Information" by Michael Bazzell, 2023 edition (btw, Libgen is brilliant, Z Library as a backup. Update: Anna's Archives is getting bigger than anything now).
I know my guide might seem disappointing; I'm sure I probably missed some "strategies," but believe me, I've been using them for years and have found plenty of locations. There's no magic solution; it's just about time, effort, and skills gained through training. I hope my little "guide" helps you :)))
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Guide to Urban Exploration Safety

Exploration is an interesting hobby, but it can be dangerous, and I think we're all aware of that. It's important to acknowledge the risks when embarking on exploration and not start with the mindset of "it won't happen to me" because anything can happen to anyone. Yes, the chances are slim, but not nonexistent. Most of the things here are logical, some maybe not. Let me start with a list of the "equipment" I consider necessary (in general, obviously depending on the situation), then I'll cover a passage about avoiding legal problems, safety issues during exploration, what to do if you encounter dogs or homeless people, and other general advice.
1. Equipment:
a) Comfortable footwear (you never know how much walking you'll do), with thick soles (to protect against nails, shards, spikes, etc.), and relatively waterproof (depends on the situation, but I've often encountered mud, puddles of water, or other liquids lol).
b) Comfortable clothing (freedom of movement), dark-colored (to avoid drawing attention, especially if you're in a building where you'd be the only colorful spot), and durable (or clothing you don't care much about getting dirty or damaged easily).
c) Mask (I know it's an investment, but a good mask should be essential). Many of the buildings we explore are old, which means there are some risks: asbestos, lead paint, or various chemicals in the air. The first two are banned, but they were legal when some of the buildings we explore were constructed. Then there's the risk of encountering chemicals that have been dumped there or were in the buildings before they were abandoned, but the container is destroyed or simply not maintained the way it used to be (and in many buildings, ventilation is quite dusty). Not to mention other minor but annoying hazards: dust and mold. Bonus: the mask helps endure the horrible smell you constantly encounter in urbex lol.
d) First aid "kit" - it doesn't have to be anything fancy, logically, but it doesn't hurt to have something on you just in case: band-aids, some bandages (the adhesive type is more useful), disinfectant (because most of the things you can cut or prick yourself on are either rusty or dirty). If it's something more serious, go to the hospital quickly (I think that was obvious, but I thought I'd add it - especially if we're talking about dog bites or cuts/piercings caused by rusty objects).
e) Situational "tools": wet wipes/disinfectant (especially if you're a smoker or if you want to eat), flashlight (I prefer flashlights that can be charged at the outlet, but also have regular batteries), power bank (because, well, you need your phone), water and some food (I've had to wait hours for security/police to leave so I could leave the building), rope/paracord (especially if you know you need to descend a considerable distance), gloves (especially if you're climbing somewhere), etc. I'm waiting for suggestions from you; I'm sure I missed something 😊)
e) Self-defense: pepper spray (for homeless people) and some food (for dogs). Also, it doesn't hurt to have some extra cigarettes or food in case you talk to a homeless person.
2. Avoiding Legal Problems
Exploration is illegal in most cases (even if there's no sign saying "forbidden," locked doors or gates, barbed wire fences, surveillance cameras, etc.), so we accept the legal consequences of our choices (and yes, even minors). I divide exploration into 3 stages: entering the location, exploring it, and exiting the location.
For me, entry should be invisible, exploration subtle, and exit quick.
First of all, I need to check if the location is abandoned. I check online first (mainly news about the location, searching for the "exact address" in quotes to find that exact address; if it's a company, I check the business details; reverse search a street photo to see if I find something, etc.), then I check physically (broken fence, broken windows, absence of surveillance cameras, absence of activity traces, absence of alarm at the entrance, etc.). If everything is fine and the location is abandoned, then I start looking for an entry. For me, entry should be subtle (preferably not through a crowded place where people can see you, not through a place with surveillance cameras), quick (to minimize the possibility of someone catching you jumping the fence), and efficient (it's useless to have a subtle and quick entry if you waste a lot of time getting into the building, so you increase the time you're in open space).
Exploration should be subtle: don't make noise, don't use bright lights (minimum necessary, you don't need a powerful flashlight to see where you're going), and don't go in a large group (3 people seems enough to me). Don't hang around windows, and if you're on the roof, try not to attract attention (especially with the light from the flashlight or phone lol).
Exiting should be as subtle as the rest, but if it can't be... well, at least it should be quick because no one will chase you anymore. Try to exit where you can check if someone is passing by (if it's near the street) or if someone is waiting for you (security or police).
I'll add here the importance of anonymity, both during exploration and afterward. I know the chances of legal trouble because of this are slim, but it doesn't cost you much to reduce risks: cover your face or at least wear a hood during exploration, avoid posting online photos/clips where features that could be used for your identification are visible (face, tattoos, etc.), if you get into urbex and are active online, don't involve your real name in the equation.
3. Building Safety Issues
Obviously, it depends on the location being explored, but usually, we're talking about buildings abandoned for some time and their condition is not ideal. First of all, this means you risk falling through the floor, having the ceiling fall on your head, and you can't really avoid that. Obviously, don't jump like a retard if you see that the floor is unstable 😊)) But usually, it matters to keep your attention during exploration (look for holes and cracks in the floor or ceiling, check how solid the object you're holding onto is when trying to climb onto something, etc.), know your limits (especially when it comes to heights, free climbing, or parkour), and don't take unnecessary risks (common sense things: don't touch unknown substances, cables, sharp objects, etc.).
4. Dogs and Homeless People
Yes, homeless people are also humans, I included them here just out of laziness. I don't recommend going to urbex with headphones on because they help you hear the noises from the ground. If you hear barking, assume there are dogs so you can play it safe: avoid those areas, don't stay outside the building for too long, check the area from above when you reach the
upper floors or the roof. Same goes for homeless people: you rarely encounter them during the day, but it helps to avoid them if you hear noises, shouting, etc. If you encounter dogs and homeless people, aggression and running away won't help. It's much better to remain calm and retreat in an organized manner. If you have no choice, engage in conversation with homeless people but not aggressively, don't show off like you have money, behave as if you have a backbone (meaning, have balls, but not in a passive-aggressive way).
5. General Advice
Watch out for tobacco, alcohol, and drug consumption. I included tobacco on the list just to emphasize the idea that you shouldn't throw lit cigarettes randomly because you risk setting fire to the location (especially if there are flammable substances there, old papers, etc.). I don't recommend in any possible way consuming anything that makes you think irrationally, especially since you need a good balance in some situations (good luck jumping high fences if you're dead drunk or high as a kite), but I think that's obvious.
Choose your locations wisely, understand your limits. I understand that some places are extremely interesting, but I don't recommend someone who has never been to urbex to explore a well-guarded or hard-to-reach building. Not to mention that some places are really risky (like subway tunnels), others are not a good idea at night (extremely damaged locations or those where the light from flashlights is very visible), and others are simply inaccessible in general (security, locked doors, surveillance cameras, etc.).
I don't recommend going urbex alone, but neither going in large groups. The larger the group, the greater the chances that someone will make a mistake or somehow attract attention (it's one thing for 1-3 people to jump over a fence and another for 5-10 lol). I actually try to create a community here, but that doesn't mean I can control the quality of the people present on this subreddit in any way. When choosing to explore with strangers you find online, some dangers arise, obviously. I'm not even mentioning those extremely unlikely dangers (to be a policeman, organ theft, etc. lol), I'm referring to more concrete ones: you don't know how cautious the respective person is, how much experience they have, what physical condition they are in, etc. You might be cautious, but you might get hurt because of the person next to you. I'm not even mentioning the possibility of encountering someone who's a jerk and does nasty jokes in abandoned buildings (locking you somewhere, leaving you behind, etc.), committing some illegalities (beating up a homeless person, setting something on fire, destroying things, etc.), and so on.
Also, urbex should not and should not be a competition. For me, all that matters is to feel good when I explore. I've met people who see exploration as a competition (x has been to y place, I have to go too) or people who are in a continuous search for validation online. I'm by no means the most experienced urbexer, but I can say that in the last 4-5 years, I've seen people who started doing urbex and then took on more and more risks (and yes, the places they've reached are cool). I believe there are few of those people (and no, I won't name names) who continue to do urbex: most of them calmed down after legal problems started to arise (I know it may not seem like it when you're young, but that criminal record can have nasty consequences), and the unlucky ones have serious medical problems (I've seen a few cases of life-changing problems in the comments, like nasty fractures, paralysis, etc.). If you look for it a bit, you'll find enough news about people who died doing urbex (and I'm not talking about suicides), so there can be serious consequences for recklessness.
That being said, I'm not here to tell you how to do urbex; the post is for those who want to explore safely and are just starting out.

My community is romanian so it was originally written in romanian, just translated it with chat gpt now so that may be why some words or expressions sound weird.
How to Find Urban Exploration Locations Without Someone's Help
Google is your friend: Search, Maps, and Earth.
Most of the locations I explore are found online. The internet is the most important resource we have in urban exploration and it's not that hard to use it properly. If you search and don't find information online (let's say in Bucharest), it means you haven't searched enough (I've been to hundreds of locations in the past year, and 90% were found online) xD
I. Before you search, you need to ask yourself a few questions:

1. What do you want to find?

Okay, urban exploration locations. What kind of locations? Are they abandoned houses or buildings, unfinished construction sites, abandoned industrial buildings, forts or bunkers, etc. There are many options, and you can easily find information by using specific searches.

1. Where is the location?

Again, the volume of information on the internet is absolutely huge, and it helps to have a specific search (street, sector, city, county, region, country etc.).

1. In what form do you think the information you want is? Where do you think you'll find it? Is it a social media post or a blog? Is it an article in the press? Is it in an official document?

Depending on the answer, you can adapt your search. In practice, various terms are used depending on the purpose of the text. The most efficient way to get used to this (it becomes instinctive at some point) is practice :))
II. Finding a potential location and confirming it.
The most basic option is to search for pre-made lists of abandoned places. You can search on Google for "abandoned places Bucharest" and find posts on forums, websites, social media, etc.
Obviously, the information is not always up to date (in fact, in urban exploration, it's rarely up to date), and you need to check if the location is still abandoned, which is relatively simple. Let's say you found Alex Iacob's website (Reptilianul) and see an interesting location. Let's say Aversa. It's not a good idea to assume that's all because you might end up at the location and find it's a guarded ruin (or that you're trying to enter an active building protected by the military even though it seemed like a ruin online - real story, sadly).
I first search on Google Earth what the location looks like (btw, just because it looks like that on Earth or Maps doesn't mean it's like that in reality because the image is not always updated) and check 3D or street view. If it still looks abandoned (broken windows, broken fences, graffiti, holes in walls, vegetation, holes in the roof, etc.), I do some searches on Google to find additional information. You don't always find something useful like this, but in the case of famous buildings, there is plenty of information online (check their current status and look for the latest news/posts). In the case of less known buildings, it helps to search for the exact address to see what their situation is.
And if we're talking about searches, there are some relatively well-known things ignored by many people. When you search for something on a standardized search engine (let's say a simple search on Google), you find enough close results. Basically, it searches for similar terms but not exact ones, which usually doesn't help us. You can avoid this by using an advanced search (especially since you can avoid some terms, so if you're looking for a news story about an abandoned building, you can avoid news about mainstream ones) or by putting the searched terms in quotation marks. Another thing is searching for the type of documents. Let's say you want to search for locations using some official documents. In this case, you can search by file type. For example: "abandoned buildings" filetype:pdf (and you find documents in pdf format containing the words you searched for).
Well, now you can search for some tips and tricks on Google searches because there are plenty of them :))
Another option is to spend a lot of time on Maps or Earth to find locations that seem abandoned and then check them. Here it's about patience and discipline. You can't really rush the process, you just have to invest time and effort, and you'll find locations 100%.
III. Physically verifying online information.
Regardless of your skill in finding online information, you still need to physically verify it. This depends on the person and your circumstances.
I'm more paranoid by nature, and I admit I have some issues with anxiety/overthinking, so I try to make everything as safe as possible (especially from a legal point of view). This means I don't take many risks, I check the buildings physically before entering, I take a quick look around without entering at that time. I look for guards, cameras, entry and exit ways from a building (the entrance can be slower but subtle, the exit should be quick, even if it's too obvious). Preferably, multiple exits and entrances, just in case (and it works, I haven't received any fines in 4-5 years of urban exploration).
What you do next is your choice. I prefer not to take risks if I see something suspicious; it's not like the location will disappear if I don't enter it right away.
IV. You've seen a location in someone's post and want to go there too.
Here it's complicated (obviously, you don't spam the person with messages "give me the location too"). If the photos are from inside a building, it's hard to figure out the location (not impossible). In theory, a location posted recently on this subreddit would have a vague location posted by the author (city or region, nothing more exact, and that only if the exact location is not obvious).
So you have a starting point, you know the approximate area. To increase your chances of success, you need to figure out what type of building it is. Some are impossible to find without someone giving you the location (like the recent post about Mrs. Eugenia's house here) because it's just a simple house and there shouldn't be any online information about it. Furthermore, it's not a "special" or "unique" location that you can differentiate from other houses in Romania. Other locations are easier; you see a logo, specific equipment, or anything that helps you figure out what the location was used for. For example, you see an old train and think it's something related to the Romanian Railways. Or you see an old gas mask and think it's some industrial building from the communist era. If you know the relative area, you have a chance to find the area because you've advanced to "abandoned industry Constanța" (hypothetically speaking).
If the photo is of the exterior, the situation changes (for the better) because you have a higher chance of finding the location. What do you see in that photo? Do you recognize anything? Let's say it's a photo taken from some buildings in Bucharest, and you see a fairly large lake. There aren't that many large lakes in Bucharest; you've already found some approximate areas where that building could be. Usually, there are enough details in the photos, and you can use them: tall buildings with the corporate logo on them, giant advertisements, emblematic buildings, maybe even traffic signs with the names of streets.
If you see this information, you further reduce the possible locations. You definitely find the area using Google Earth 3D view and street view to find the exact place (you practically walk around until you find from which direction the photo was taken, and then you look to see if it looks abandoned. If not, it's probably a normal building that someone climbed, so you can look for graffiti, but those are not mandatory).
Another option that rarely works (but is quick and free, so I usually test it first) is reverse search by image. I recommend a browser extension: Invid Weverify, which basically searches for an image using multiple sites (it's for fact-checking, but geolocation is part of it, so it's useful).
For those interested in geolocation, I can give you some references to something more detailed/useful. See what techniques are used in OSINT and adapt them for finding urbex locations lol. I recommend the book "OSINT Techniques: Resources for Uncovering Online Information" by Michael Bazzell, 2023 edition (btw, Libgen is brilliant, Z Library as a backup. Update: Anna's Archives is getting bigger than anything now).
I know my guide might seem disappointing; I'm sure I probably missed some "strategies," but believe me, I've been using them for years and have found plenty of locations. There's no magic solution; it's just about time, effort, and skills gained through training. I hope my little "guide" helps you :)))
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Guide to Urban Exploration Safety

Exploration is an interesting hobby, but it can be dangerous, and I think we're all aware of that. It's important to acknowledge the risks when embarking on exploration and not start with the mindset of "it won't happen to me" because anything can happen to anyone. Yes, the chances are slim, but not nonexistent. Most of the things here are logical, some maybe not. Let me start with a list of the "equipment" I consider necessary (in general, obviously depending on the situation), then I'll cover a passage about avoiding legal problems, safety issues during exploration, what to do if you encounter dogs or homeless people, and other general advice.
1. Equipment:
a) Comfortable footwear (you never know how much walking you'll do), with thick soles (to protect against nails, shards, spikes, etc.), and relatively waterproof (depends on the situation, but I've often encountered mud, puddles of water, or other liquids lol).
b) Comfortable clothing (freedom of movement), dark-colored (to avoid drawing attention, especially if you're in a building where you'd be the only colorful spot), and durable (or clothing you don't care much about getting dirty or damaged easily).
c) Mask (I know it's an investment, but a good mask should be essential). Many of the buildings we explore are old, which means there are some risks: asbestos, lead paint, or various chemicals in the air. The first two are banned, but they were legal when some of the buildings we explore were constructed. Then there's the risk of encountering chemicals that have been dumped there or were in the buildings before they were abandoned, but the container is destroyed or simply not maintained the way it used to be (and in many buildings, ventilation is quite dusty). Not to mention other minor but annoying hazards: dust and mold. Bonus: the mask helps endure the horrible smell you constantly encounter in urbex lol.
d) First aid "kit" - it doesn't have to be anything fancy, logically, but it doesn't hurt to have something on you just in case: band-aids, some bandages (the adhesive type is more useful), disinfectant (because most of the things you can cut or prick yourself on are either rusty or dirty). If it's something more serious, go to the hospital quickly (I think that was obvious, but I thought I'd add it - especially if we're talking about dog bites or cuts/piercings caused by rusty objects).
e) Situational "tools": wet wipes/disinfectant (especially if you're a smoker or if you want to eat), flashlight (I prefer flashlights that can be charged at the outlet, but also have regular batteries), power bank (because, well, you need your phone), water and some food (I've had to wait hours for security/police to leave so I could leave the building), rope/paracord (especially if you know you need to descend a considerable distance), gloves (especially if you're climbing somewhere), etc. I'm waiting for suggestions from you; I'm sure I missed something 😊)
e) Self-defense: pepper spray (for homeless people) and some food (for dogs). Also, it doesn't hurt to have some extra cigarettes or food in case you talk to a homeless person.
2. Avoiding Legal Problems
Exploration is illegal in most cases (even if there's no sign saying "forbidden," locked doors or gates, barbed wire fences, surveillance cameras, etc.), so we accept the legal consequences of our choices (and yes, even minors). I divide exploration into 3 stages: entering the location, exploring it, and exiting the location.
For me, entry should be invisible, exploration subtle, and exit quick.
First of all, I need to check if the location is abandoned. I check online first (mainly news about the location, searching for the "exact address" in quotes to find that exact address; if it's a company, I check the business details; reverse search a street photo to see if I find something, etc.), then I check physically (broken fence, broken windows, absence of surveillance cameras, absence of activity traces, absence of alarm at the entrance, etc.). If everything is fine and the location is abandoned, then I start looking for an entry. For me, entry should be subtle (preferably not through a crowded place where people can see you, not through a place with surveillance cameras), quick (to minimize the possibility of someone catching you jumping the fence), and efficient (it's useless to have a subtle and quick entry if you waste a lot of time getting into the building, so you increase the time you're in open space).
Exploration should be subtle: don't make noise, don't use bright lights (minimum necessary, you don't need a powerful flashlight to see where you're going), and don't go in a large group (3 people seems enough to me). Don't hang around windows, and if you're on the roof, try not to attract attention (especially with the light from the flashlight or phone lol).
Exiting should be as subtle as the rest, but if it can't be... well, at least it should be quick because no one will chase you anymore. Try to exit where you can check if someone is passing by (if it's near the street) or if someone is waiting for you (security or police).
I'll add here the importance of anonymity, both during exploration and afterward. I know the chances of legal trouble because of this are slim, but it doesn't cost you much to reduce risks: cover your face or at least wear a hood during exploration, avoid posting online photos/clips where features that could be used for your identification are visible (face, tattoos, etc.), if you get into urbex and are active online, don't involve your real name in the equation.
3. Building Safety Issues
Obviously, it depends on the location being explored, but usually, we're talking about buildings abandoned for some time and their condition is not ideal. First of all, this means you risk falling through the floor, having the ceiling fall on your head, and you can't really avoid that. Obviously, don't jump like a retard if you see that the floor is unstable 😊)) But usually, it matters to keep your attention during exploration (look for holes and cracks in the floor or ceiling, check how solid the object you're holding onto is when trying to climb onto something, etc.), know your limits (especially when it comes to heights, free climbing, or parkour), and don't take unnecessary risks (common sense things: don't touch unknown substances, cables, sharp objects, etc.).
4. Dogs and Homeless People
Yes, homeless people are also humans, I included them here just out of laziness. I don't recommend going to urbex with headphones on because they help you hear the noises from the ground. If you hear barking, assume there are dogs so you can play it safe: avoid those areas, don't stay outside the building for too long, check the area from above when you reach the
upper floors or the roof. Same goes for homeless people: you rarely encounter them during the day, but it helps to avoid them if you hear noises, shouting, etc. If you encounter dogs and homeless people, aggression and running away won't help. It's much better to remain calm and retreat in an organized manner. If you have no choice, engage in conversation with homeless people but not aggressively, don't show off like you have money, behave as if you have a backbone (meaning, have balls, but not in a passive-aggressive way).
5. General Advice
Watch out for tobacco, alcohol, and drug consumption. I included tobacco on the list just to emphasize the idea that you shouldn't throw lit cigarettes randomly because you risk setting fire to the location (especially if there are flammable substances there, old papers, etc.). I don't recommend in any possible way consuming anything that makes you think irrationally, especially since you need a good balance in some situations (good luck jumping high fences if you're dead drunk or high as a kite), but I think that's obvious.
Choose your locations wisely, understand your limits. I understand that some places are extremely interesting, but I don't recommend someone who has never been to urbex to explore a well-guarded or hard-to-reach building. Not to mention that some places are really risky (like subway tunnels), others are not a good idea at night (extremely damaged locations or those where the light from flashlights is very visible), and others are simply inaccessible in general (security, locked doors, surveillance cameras, etc.).
I don't recommend going urbex alone, but neither going in large groups. The larger the group, the greater the chances that someone will make a mistake or somehow attract attention (it's one thing for 1-3 people to jump over a fence and another for 5-10 lol). I actually try to create a community here, but that doesn't mean I can control the quality of the people present on this subreddit in any way. When choosing to explore with strangers you find online, some dangers arise, obviously. I'm not even mentioning those extremely unlikely dangers (to be a policeman, organ theft, etc. lol), I'm referring to more concrete ones: you don't know how cautious the respective person is, how much experience they have, what physical condition they are in, etc. You might be cautious, but you might get hurt because of the person next to you. I'm not even mentioning the possibility of encountering someone who's a jerk and does nasty jokes in abandoned buildings (locking you somewhere, leaving you behind, etc.), committing some illegalities (beating up a homeless person, setting something on fire, destroying things, etc.), and so on.
Also, urbex should not and should not be a competition. For me, all that matters is to feel good when I explore. I've met people who see exploration as a competition (x has been to y place, I have to go too) or people who are in a continuous search for validation online. I'm by no means the most experienced urbexer, but I can say that in the last 4-5 years, I've seen people who started doing urbex and then took on more and more risks (and yes, the places they've reached are cool). I believe there are few of those people (and no, I won't name names) who continue to do urbex: most of them calmed down after legal problems started to arise (I know it may not seem like it when you're young, but that criminal record can have nasty consequences), and the unlucky ones have serious medical problems (I've seen a few cases of life-changing problems in the comments, like nasty fractures, paralysis, etc.). If you look for it a bit, you'll find enough news about people who died doing urbex (and I'm not talking about suicides), so there can be serious consequences for recklessness.
That being said, I'm not here to tell you how to do urbex; the post is for those who want to explore safely and are just starting out.

Read from April 29 – May 04, 2024
1/5 stars I HATED THIS
NOTE: I started out with an open mind read the first chapter, and then this turned into a hate-read.
That being said, no hate to anyone who enjoyed this book, I would love to hear what your opinions are, both on the book and this review :)
Let’s start with my ‘favourite’ quote:

“but it is impossible for someone who was not abused to become an abuser.”
Theo Faber, Psychotherapist

I genuinely do not understand what the hype around this book is.
To be fair, the second I read the words ‘TikTok sensation’ in the advertising, I should have known better.
The thing that struck me is that Michaelides is a SCREENWRITER, and this very much reads like a script, it felt like it was written solely for the purpose of selling the movie rights.
TLDR: This book wants to be Gone Girl so bad.
So, save yourself, if this is on your TBR, forget about it, read something else, ANYTHING else, read a newspaper, just don’t read this.
Longer rant Review, including the writing, characters, setting, and my main issues with this novel.

The Writing:

Is mediocre, at best. It’s very much in the style of ‘he said, she said’.
The best way I can describe it is that it reminds me of a middle-grade novel, where everything is stated clear cut and there isn’t much effort needed on the reader’s part.
There’s nothing wrong with that, for a KID’S book, but this is NOT written for a 10-year-old.
There’s long swaths of exposition, the chapters are between 2-5 pages long, we are constantly told who’s speaking, points are stated and then re-stated kind of like:

“Alicia Berenson has not spoken in 6 years” Diomedes said.
That’s right, from what I remember, she has not spoken since her husband was killed, 6 years ago.

So much needless repetition.
The reason I said that it reads like a script is because there is a lot of useless dialogue + endless descriptions.
Each character and setting is described in such needless detail, going on for entire paragraphs, for example:

Barbie was a Californian blonde in her mid-sixties, possibly older. She was drenched in Chanel No 5, and she’d had a considerable amount of plastic surgery. Her name suited her – she looked like a startled Barbie doll. She was obviously the kind of woman who was used to getting what she wanted – hence her loud protestations at the reception desk when she discovered she needed to make an appointment to visit a patient.

This character has been mentioned once or twice previously but she is relevant for MAYBE 15 pages out of 336.
Majority of the side characters are introduced like this, however, Theo isn’t really described in much detail beyond the ‘tall, dark and brooding’ trope and neither is Alicia, so the 2 protagonists are essentially blank slates.
The dialogue is so cringey, almost every chapter mentions the weather [this is set in the UK], like the weather is used as filler relentlessly.
There’s a bunch of continuity errors, the main one that comes to mind is that at the start of the book when Theo first enters The Grove [don’t even get me started on the name of the hospital, it sounds like the name of a cartoon villain’s layer, not a psych hospital] he is asked to give up his lighter and any other objects that could be used as weapons, yet he and majority of the side characters smoke CONSTANTLY INSIDE THE HOSPITAL.
The writing also reminded me A LOT of Colleen Hoover’s writing, and if that women has no haters, then I’m dead.

The Diary Entries:

Like I said, this book wants to be Gone Girl so bad.
The diary entries are written very weirdly, they don’t read like a journal, where you might get more of a stream of consciousness sort of style, they read like POV switches from 6 years in the past.
They don’t flow and amble like you would expect.
Examples:

Tears collected in my eyes as I walked up the hill. I wasn’t crying for my mother – or myself – or even that poor homeless man. I was crying for all of us. There’s so much pain everywhere, and we just close our eyes to it.
But I ruined the mood, stupidly, clumsily – by asking if he would sit for me. ‘I want to paint you,’ I said. ‘Again? You already did.’ ‘That was four years ago. I want to paint you again.’ ‘Uh-huh.’ He didn’t look enthusiastic. ‘What kind of thing do you have in mind?’ I hesitated – and then said it was for the Jesus picture. Gabriel sat up and gave a kind of strangled laugh. ‘Oh, come on, Alicia.’

The diary entries are not diary entries, they are memories.
People don’t write down entire conversations word for word like this when they journal, like “’
I had lunch with Martha’ he said”, you write it like “Gabriel had lunch with Martha today.”
I know why the diary entries feel so weird, they read like movie scenes, like a flashback.
Like the memory/subject of the diary entry should be playing in the background while someone narrates.
Again, this was a script, not a novel, I stand by this point.

The Characters:

Character development is frankly non-existent, the characters don’t exists as themselves, they exist to serve the plot.
They have no depth, and their motivations are lacking.
Theo faber: he was abused as a kid and is therefore damaged.
Chapter 3 was literally just an exposition dump of his entire childhood, just straight out of the blue.
It was like Chapter one: a report of the murder, chapter 2 further recollection, chapter 3: so my father beat throughout my childhood, I don’t know why.
Theo’s father was verbally and physically abuse, Theo attempted suicide when he was at uni, because the things his dad said made him feel like a failure.
But we are never told WHAT has been said, and therefore, we don’t see why exactly Theo would have doubts about himself.
Abuse shapes you as a person, if we got to hear his inner thoughts about what his father said, it would give greater insight into Theo’s identity as a character.
Besides that, Theo has a RAGING saviour complex,

“Unable to come to terms with what she had done, Alicia stuttered and came to a halt, like a broken car. I wanted to help start her up again – help Alicia tell her story, to heal and get well. I wanted to fix her.”

The book is filled with passages like that.
And besides that, it’s just filled with loads of nonsense psychobabble.
Theo is also OBSESSED with Alicia, the book tells us it’s out of guilt, but I contest and say that he’s just a creep who very much treats Alicia like a failed version of a manic pixie dream girl.
Alicia Berenson: Alicia is a walking contradiction.
We are told that she is beautiful, charming, sophisticated, but she instead comes across as an anti-social, paranoid shut in with serious co-dependency issues.
She has no friends, no relationships outside of her husband Gabriel, no hobbies, or interests outside of painting and having sex with her husband.
All she does in her chapters is paint, have arguments with people, have sex, and walk around.
Side characters: only exist to serve the plot.
Professor Lazarus Diomedes: the name alone makes me cringe.
He’s Greek, he has a lot of instruments in his office including a piano and a harp [which are never brought up after the initial chapters he’s introduced and he never plays any of them], he’s “unorthodox” and shunned, and he basically exists to be Theo Faber’s ‘yes man’.
Christian: stereotypical work rival who has a habit of calling all the patients bitches.
Yuri: He’s a psych nurse who takes Theo to bar and tell him that he and his wife divorced, and he fell in love with someone else. Fine fair enough, but does he approach this woman like a normal person?
No, he pulls a Joe from YOU and stalks and harasses her.
Yet later on THEO SAYS THAT HE IS A GOOD MAN AND THAT HE IS SORRY DOUBTING YURI. DESPITE INITIALLY BEING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS BEHAVIOUR.
Then again Theo himself is a stalker so go figure.

The Setting:

The Grove is supposed to be a mental hospital used to detain mentally ill criminals.
Firstly, all the patients are female. It is never stated that the hospital is an all-female facility.
Second, we never get an idea of the scope of this place, there’s only one therapy room for EVERYONE to use, only 2 psychiatrists on payroll, Diomedes and Christian, 2 therapists, Theo and a side character named Indira, one psychiatric nurse, Yuri and an admin assistant, Stephanie.
The layout and descriptions are confusing, one area is referred to as the ‘Fishbowl’ throughout the novel.
Racism:
I don’t know if Michaelides has some internalized racism going on but every single foreign character has a habit of erasing their cultural identity.
Examples:
Yuri, the psych nurse who is Latvian –

Yuri was good-looking, well built, and in his late thirties. He had dark hair and a tribal tattoo creeping up his neck, above his collar. He smelled of tobacco and too much sweet aftershave. And although he spoke with an accent, his English was perfect.

This sort of backhanded compliment is considered racist, as someone who is POC myself, I’ve gotten this plenty of times and it always gives me the ick.
Jean-Felix, the gallerist –
He spoke with an accent. I asked if he was French. ‘Originally – from Paris. But I’ve been here since I was a student – oh, twenty years at least. I think of myself more as British these days.’
There were more examples, but these are the main ones I found in my notes.

Misogyny:

Firstly, the patients are all female, like I said earlier, it is never stated that it is an all-female facility.
This book is dripping with it, every single female character is either described as a manic pixie dream girl, a maternal figure, or a psychotic bitch.
The DOCTORS refer to their patients as bitches multiple times.
Example:

“She was entirely consumed with herself and her art. All the empathy you have for her, all the kindness – she isn’t capable of giving it back. She’s a lost cause. A total bitch.’ Christian said this with a scornful expression-“
Rowena gave a derisive snort. ‘Because Alicia’s the least responsive, most uncommunicative bitch I’ve ever worked with.’

Besides that, they are often compared to birds:

“I remember Mum and those colourful tops she’d wear, with the yellow stringy straps, so flimsy and delicate – just like her. She was so thin, like a little bird.”
“Alicia was sitting alone, I noticed, at the back of the room. She was picking at a meagre bit of fish like an anorexic bird;”

Alicia is also very much painted as a manic pixie dream girl in her diary entries, almost every page of her POV mentions sex, and it has no effect on the plot.
It was mentioned so often that I ended up keeping track out of boredom [I should have also tracked how often the weather was mentioned].
I think I have 15 tabs in 300 pages by the end of it for just sex scenes.
I don't have an issue with sex, but just like in movies when it gets thrown in for no reason, that's when it irritates me.
And of course the mentally ill woman with possible psychosis and BPD has to be shown as hot and a nymphomaniac.
Every one of her POVs reads like:
“Gabriel and I had an argument and then we had sex.”
“I went for a walk and fantasized about Gabriel.”
“I was trying to paint Gabriel but then we had sex.”
“I had an argument with someone and came home to wake up Gabriel and we had sex.”
I can see why this atrocity is a BookTok favourite.
Oh, and this line: [Warning NSFW]

“It’s still populated by sixteen-year-olds, embracing the sunshine, sprawled on either side of the canal, a jumble of bodies – boys in rolled-up shorts with bare chests, girls in bikinis or bras – skin everywhere, burning, reddening flesh. The sexual energy was palpable – their hungry, impatient thirst for life. I felt a sudden desire for Gabriel – for his body and his strong legs, his thick thighs lain over mine. When we have sex, I always feel an insatiable hunger for him – for a kind of union between us – something that’s bigger than me, bigger than us, beyond words – something holy.”

She’s out on a walk and salivating over 16-year-olds. Enough said.

Medical Malpractice:

Not only is a lot of the psychology in this book outdated, but in general, there is so much misinformation.
The psychology is so outdated, and it's mostly centered around Freud.
The biggest example I can think of is Alicia’s initial treatment, she has been put on Risperidone, which is an anti-psychotic prescribed to schizophrenic patients [Also prescribed for autism, BPD, etc. but that's on a case by case basis]
In the book, Alicia is shown to be completely out if it, she’s drooling on the floor, and practically comatose.
Risperidone is NOT a sedative [it can have sedative EFFECTS, but sedation is not the function] it acts on dopamine and serotine receptors and is used to reduce symptoms of schizophrenia, i.e. prevent hallucinations and help stabilize mood.
It should not be causing Alicia to be unresponsive.
[Disclaimer, this is just coming from my basic knowledge as a med student and a few quick google searches, if I'm wrong, please correct me.]
Moving on, Theo wants to treat Alicia but she’s on 16 mg of Risperidone, which is the highest safe dose possible.
He asks Christian to lower the dose, what does Christian do?
He stops giving Alicia 16 mg and switches her to 5 mg.
An 11 mg decrease. IN ONE DAY.
There is no gradual decrease, no safety precautions, NOTHING.
For context, Risperidone is prescribed in 0.5 – 1 mg increments.
This means that an 11 mg decrease is incredibly dramatic and DANGEROUS, it can send a patient into a psychotic episode, cause them to relapse and lead to withdrawal.
Christian being a psychiatrist should know this.
Patients are allowed access to a pool table without supervision, all the doctors smoke and offer their patients cigarettes,
Yuri deals drugs, Theo seemingly does no ither work besides talk to Alicia and play detective.

Depiction of mentally ill patients:

Throughout the book the patients are often referred to as animals, monstrous or zombies.
Examples:

“Her [Elif, a patient] face was pressed up against it, squashing her nose, distorting her features, making her almost monstrous.”
“It took four nurses to hold Alicia down. She writhed and kicked and fought like a creature possessed. She didn’t seem human, more like a wild animal; something monstrous.”
[Alicia is painting, Theo is watching]
“I felt like I was present at an intimate moment, watching a wild animal give birth. And although Alicia was aware of my presence, she didn’t seem to mind.”

On top of that, the word borderline gets thrown out A LOT, but it is never explained and is often derogatory.
Example:

[This is Christian the psychiatrist speaking, warning Theo about Alicia]
‘I’m just saying. Borderlines are seductive. That’s what’s going on here. I don’t think you fully get that.’

I am not against problematic writing, as long as it serves a purpose, but Michaelides is not talented enough to do something like this intentionally, and showing patients in this light serves no purpose.
Theo makes it very clear that he thinks that Elif, a Turkish woman, is ugly and rude, it is mentioned every time she is on the page.
This sort of depiction is harmful, mental health gets a bad enough rep as it is, again, I take no issue with problematic writing, but this is not problematic or controversial, this is ignorance.
The depiction of mental illness, coupled with the use of Risperidone, indicates, to me, that Michaelides did not do his research whatsoever.
He just thought of a cool idea and ran with it.
Oh, and lastly, let’s not forget:

“but it is impossible for someone who was not abused to become an abuser.”

No, just no. ANYONE can be abusive.
Correlation does not equal causation.
This is blatant misinformation and a very harmful message to send and I was actually so angry when I read that.

The Twist [spoilers]

The twist is the most ridiculous thing, and it hangs on by a thread.
I had already guessed that Gabriel was the one who Kathy’s affair partner was, and the entire thing falls apart when you realize that if any of Theo’s chapters were dated, you would figure it out immediately.
That’s a very loose basis for a dramatic reveal.
Yes, Theo is an unreliable narrator and I usually enjoy such stories, but this was just lazy.
I’m sorry, Theo followed Gabriel all over London and never ONCE saw his face, never heard Kathy moan his name when he was spying on them, not ONCE.
It’s poor when your twist relies on my suspension of disbelief.
Conclusion
- Poorly written, reads like a middle-grade novel. Michaelides is a screenwriter, and this very much reads like a script, designed to be easy to follow and direct.
- Horrible depiction mental health, both as a patient and in practice.
- Hollow, 2D characters.
- Misogynistic.
- Overall waste of time, save yourself.

We all know Jurassic Park and The Lost World, and I have to confess my disappointment in my younger self for being almost entirely unaware of Dinotopia, because it would have been right up my alley, and was largely the product of the zillenial view of dinosaurs I had. Ah well - when money is less of an issue, I'll correct that mistake.
But I am glad that I was able to experience a children's book that otherwise would have flew under my radar my completely, and was probably only known to me because of an independently published author who seemed, as per the trajectory of his career, make a lot of visits to UK primary schools. As a result, aged 8-9, my class was reading Professor P and the Jurassic Coast by P.J. Davidson.
A couple caveats before I sing this book's praises - it is a children's book, and I can't see any adults besides young-at-heart dino-lovers getting much from it (though I know that's many of us here); the prose is a little awkward in places, could see a case for polishing a lot of it up; and the first-person narrator (sharing the author's name no less!) is about as blank-slate as you can get for a protagonist.
But! If you can see past all of that, there is a lot to enjoy about this book - apart from anything else, it's creative in plenty of ways I haven't seen a lot of other books emulate. Davidson had a clear vision in mind, and it seems unencumbered. Set right by England's Jurassic Coast (one of our proudly boasted world heritage sites, famous for its fossils, though, just my luck, I never found any), it contains all the right tropes for nerdy kids - mysterious inventors, learning through the experience of the inventions, and a mystery surrounding a time machine. What's more, exposition about the time travel gives a (very basic) introduction to quantum mechanics which is another excellent way to incite curiosity. Perhaps best of all, Davdison is not content to just plonk his characters in a generic, steamy, primordial jungle that the more astute readers will see through in a second. Rather, sticking with the Jurassic Coast theme, it seems to be playing a deliberate homage to the WWD episode "Cruel Sea." We all know the issues with that episode, but if it was sufficient for a combination of fact and fiction then, then this book (only five years younger) probably does alright for itself. Despite the awkward prose, the book does well in making this setting immersive by focusing on some of the generic things that characters have to do as well, like crossing a stretch of sea safely, or building a treehouse to spend the night in.
More recently, Davidson produced a sequel, which is definitively not worth reading. I don't know why the creative juices seem to have failed him this time, but its nowhere near as immersive, the WWD references come off as laziness rather than an homage, and, worst of all, continuity seems to have been thrown entirely out of the window. Alas, at least we have the first book.
So, does anyone else have lesser known suggestions for paleofiction? Or is anyone else familiar with this book and has their own opinions?
One more thing that might be a shot in the dark, but I'm determined to exhaust all possibilities. In my primary school days I also remember coming across a children's adventure book featuring dinosaurs at a book fair. I think I remember seeing it once, and cannot for the life of me remember what it's called, and I'm starting to wonder if I imagined it. I previously posted here about it, and I've gone into more detail of what I remember about it, just in case it triggers anyone's memory. :o

The event runs from 8 to 12 May at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield and will be broadcast in the UK on Channel 5. The event features 16 players, including the defending champion Jimmy White and other well-known senior players such as Tony Knowles, Tony Drago, Joe Johnson, James Wattana, Barry Pinches, Ken Doherty, and Dechawat Poomjaeng. Tessa Davidson, the reigning World Women's Seniors Champion, will be the only female competitor.
The event will apparently feature a 30-second shot clock.

Hey there! Let me introduce you to the top quit-smoking apps worldwide for iPhone and iPad users.
These apps were designed to spur you in your journey. So, with loads of determination and your gadgets, you’d be on your way to a healthier lifestyle.
Yes, you have it tough in these difficult times. Smoking brings relief, euphoria, ecstasy, relaxation, warmth, and escape from anger and stress. But hey, it has been widely accepted to be deadly; you know that? Yes, you do.
In her viral video, Terrie Linn McNutt Hall, a former smoker, said, “I wish I’d never seen a cigarette in my entire life. I truly do. I wish I’d never seen one, much less picked it up and smoked it.” Two days later, after years of battle against cancer caused by smoking, she lost her life.
Don’t make it too late. You can save your lungs and health from years of pain and torture.
In this article, you’d get to know or recall why you began smoking, why you should quit it, and some of the best quit-smoking apps for your iPhone and iPad.

Why Do You Smoke?

As people are different, so are their needs, challenges, and way of life. Therefore, the list below does not nearly cover why people smoke.
It simply states a few of them. To help you stop, you need to get to the root of your addiction.

1. Nicotine Addiction

Nicotine, a highly addictive substance found in tobacco, is the primary reason you become hooked on smoking. Nicotine addiction develops over time as the body becomes dependent on the drug.
Continued smoking is often driven by the cravings and withdrawal symptoms associated with nicotine addiction.

2. Peer Pressure and Social Influence

You may recall starting or continuing smoking due to peer pressure or the desire to fit in with a particular social group.
Smoking can be seen as a social activity or a way to bond with friends or colleagues who smoke.

3. Stress Relief

You may have turned to smoking as a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions.
Smoking is often perceived as a way to relax or relieve tension, even though the long-term effects on stress management are adverse.

4. Habit and Ritual

Smoking can become a habit deeply ingrained in daily routines. It may be associated with specific activities or situations, such as taking a break, socializing, or complementing other behaviors. The ceremonial aspects of smoking can make it challenging to quit.

5. Emotional Regulation

Smoking may be used as a way to regulate emotions or alleviate boredom. Some individuals find that smoking provides a temporary distraction or a perceived comfort in certain situations.

6. Weight Control

Nicotine is known to suppress appetite and increase metabolism, leading you to make smoking replace food cravings and become a part of weight loss goals.

7. Perception and Image

Smoking has historically been associated with specific images, such as being rebellious, cool, or sophisticated.
You may have begun smoking to align yourself with these perceptions or to project a particular image.

Why Should You Quit Smoking?

For numerous reasons, quitting smoking benefits one's health and overall well-being. Here are some compelling reasons to consider;

1. Improved Overall Health

You may experience ragged or hoarse breathing, shortness of breath, persistent cough, chest pains, and pain in the hands, arms, and shoulders. These symptoms are associated with a smoker's lungs.
Quitting smoking reduces the risk of developing these severe health conditions, including lung cancer, heart disease, stroke, respiratory infections, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). It also improves lung function and helps with better breathing.

2. Increased Life Expectancy

True, no one knows when death will come knocking, but studies have consistently shown that quitting smoking at any age increases life expectancy.
Stopping smoking significantly reduces the risk of premature death associated with smoking-related diseases.

3. Enhanced Cardiovascular Health

The impact of smoking includes damaged blood vessels, increased blood pressure, and the risk of blood clots.
When you quit smoking, your cardiovascular health improves, decreasing the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and other cardiovascular diseases.

4. Improved Respiratory Health

Smoking damages the lungs and leads to various respiratory problems, such as chronic bronchitis and emphysema.
Quitting smoking helps to reduce coughing, shortness of breath, and the risk of respiratory infections.

5. Better Physical Fitness

Smoking affects physical performance and endurance by reducing lung capacity and muscle oxygen supply.
When you quit smoking, you experience improved stamina, energy levels, and the ability to engage in physical activities without feeling breathless.

6. Enhanced Sense of Taste and Smell

You may notice a bland taste in your food and experience a decline in your sense of smell. Among other health conditions, smoking is a causative agent.
Smoking dulls the senses of taste and smell. However, these senses gradually improve when you trash smoking.
You, my friend, would be led back to a richer experience of flavors and aromas.

7. Improved Appearance

You may have seen photos of individuals before and after they quit smoking. If not, try looking it up.
Smoking contributes to premature aging, wrinkles, yellowing of teeth, and skin damage.
Quitting smoking helps restore a healthier complexion, brighter teeth, and a more youthful appearance.

8. Financial Savings

Hey, smoking is an expensive habit to maintain. You'd end up having several quick fixes that'll consume your paycheck.
By quitting, you can save a significant amount of money that would otherwise be spent on cigarette consumption, allowing you to allocate those funds toward other priorities or enjoyable activities.

9. A Better Quality of Life

Freedom, yes. Quitting smoking can bring about a sense of freedom, control, and empowerment.
You'll no longer allow cigarettes to control your existence. Once you kick that stick to the curb, you'd most likely experience improved mental and emotional well-being.

10. Protecting Others

Smoking harms the individual who smokes and poses health risks to those around them through second-hand smoke.
Asthmatic patients and others may be seriously harmed. It may sound far-fetched, but smoking or the light from a cigarette can actually start a fire.
When you decide to quit, you'll surely contribute to a healthier environment for your loved ones and reduce their exposure to harmful toxins. Think about it.
Remember, quitting smoking can be challenging, but numerous resources and support systems can help you succeed.
Getting professional help, joining smoking cessation programs, or using nicotine replacement therapies can boost your chances of quitting.
Now let's look at one of the support systems. Below and some of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.

6 Best Quit-Smoking Apps for iPhone and iPad

Several smoking cessation applications for iPhone and iPad can assist you in developing excellent and steady quitting methods.
Here are some of the top-rated and popular quit-smoking apps you can consider and how they work:

1. Smoke-Free - Quit Smoking Now

Being one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad, Smoke-free app offers comprehensive features and tools to help you quit smoking and stay smoke-free.
Here are some key features of the Smoke-Free app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

The app provides a personalized plan based on your smoking habits and goals. It guides you through the quitting process with tailored missions and milestones.

b. Progress Tracker

Smoke-Free tracks your progress over time and displays statistics such as the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and money saved.
This can serve as a visual representation of your accomplishments and motivates you to continue.

c. Health Improvements

The app showcases the positive health changes that occur after quitting smoking.
It provides information on how your body recovers over time, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and enhanced sense of taste and smell.

d. Cravings Management

Smoke-Free helps you manage cravings by providing strategies and distraction techniques. It offers interactive games and exercises to redirect your focus when desires arise.

e. Financial Savings

The app calculates the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It presents this information in various formats, such as daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly savings, motivating you with the financial benefits of quitting.

f. Achievements and Badges

Smoke-Free rewards you with achievements and badges as you progress on your smoke-free journey.
These milestones provide a sense of accomplishment and further motivation.

g. Community Support

The app includes a supportive community forum where you can connect with other people who are quitting smoking or have successfully stopped. It allows you to share experiences, receive encouragement, and support others.

2. QuitNow! Quit Smoking

QuitNow! Quit Smoking is another popular support system and one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.
It offers a range of features and tools to help you quit smoking and maintain a smoke-free lifestyle. Here are some key features of the QuitNow! App:

a. Tracking and Statistics

QuitNow! tracks your progress by displaying the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
It provides real-time updates on your progress and helps you visualize the positive changes happening as you quit smoking.

b. Health Milestones

The app provides information on the health benefits you can experience while staying smoke-free.
It shows improvements in lung function, cardiovascular health, and overall well-being.

c. Craving Management

QuitNow! offers a craving tracker that helps you identify patterns and triggers for cravings.
It provides tools and techniques to manage and overcome cravings effectively.

d. Financial Savings

The app calculates and displays the money saved since quitting smoking.
It shows your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a clear picture of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Achievements and Badges

QuitNow! rewards you with achievements and badges as you reach certain milestones to quit smoking.
These badges provide a sense of accomplishment and can serve as a source of motivation.

f. Community Support

The app features a community of users who are also quitting smoking or have successfully quit.
You can connect with others, share your experiences, receive support, and provide encouragement to fellow app users.

g. Health Information and Tips

QuitNow! provides educational resources, health information, and tips to help you stay motivated and informed about the benefits of quitting smoking.
It offers insights into the positive changes happening in your body as you become smoke-free.

3. MyQuit Coach

MyQuit Coach is an application developed by Livestrong to help individuals quit smoking. It provides personalized support and guidance throughout your quitting journey.
Here are some key features of the MyQuit Coach app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

MyQuit Coach creates a customized quitting plan based on your smoking habits, motivations, and goals.
It considers the number of daily cigarette consumption, smoking triggers, and previous quit attempts.

b. Tracker and Progress Monitoring

The app allows you to track your progress and monitor your smoke-free days, non-smoked cigarettes, and money saved since quitting.
This tracking feature helps you stay motivated and visualize the positive changes occurring as you move forward.

c. Craving Management

MyQuit Coach provides strategies and techniques to manage cravings and overcome nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
It offers tips and guidance to navigate challenging situations and cope with triggers effectively.

d. Achievement Badges

The app offers achievement badges to celebrate milestones and progress.
These badges serve as a visual representation of your accomplishments and provide a sense of achievement and motivation.

e. Community Support

MyQuit Coach includes a supportive community forum where you can connect with other individuals who are also quitting smoking or have successfully stopped.
This allows you to share experiences, receive encouragement, and gain support from others going through a similar journey.

f. Educational Resources

The app provides educational resources and information about the benefits of quitting smoking.
It offers insights into the positive changes happening in your body and the health improvements you can expect.

g. Motivational Reminders

MyQuit Coach sends personalized reminders and messages to keep you motivated and on track with your quit plan.
These reminders can help you stay focused and committed to quitting smoking.

4. Kwit - Quit smoking

Kwit is a quit-smoking app that takes a gamified approach to help individuals quit smoking.
This has made it stand out even as one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.
It offers a unique and interactive experience to make quitting more engaging and enjoyable.
Here are some key features of the Kwit - Quit Smoking app:

a. Gamified Experience

Kwit uses gamification techniques to make quitting smoking more fun and motivating.
It offers achievements, missions, and challenges you can complete as you progress on your smoke-free journey.
The app provides a sense of accomplishment and rewards your achievements, making the process feel like a game.

b. Craving Tracker

The app includes a craving tracker to identify and monitor your cravings. It provides tools and activities to distract yourself and overcome cravings effectively.
The interactive nature of the app helps you shift your focus away from smoking.

c. Health Benefits Tracking

Kwit highlights the health improvements you can experience as you quit smoking.
It displays information about your progress and showcases the positive changes in your body, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and enhanced overall well-being.

d. Financial Savings

The app calculates and displays the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It shows your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a tangible representation of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Inspirational Content

Kwit provides motivational quotes, facts, and messages to keep you inspired and focused on your goal to quit smoking. It offers positive reinforcement and encouragement throughout your journey.

f. Community Support

The app includes a community feature that creates a medium for the communication of users.
You can share your progress and experiences and support others in quitting. It makes a supportive environment and a sense of camaraderie.

g. Progress Tracking

Kwit tracks your progress and displays statistics such as the number of smoke-free days, the pack of cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
It provides a visual representation of your achievements and motivates you to continue staying smoke-free.

5. Quit Tracker

The Quit Tracker app is a simple, user-friendly application designed to help individuals quit smoking.
It focuses on tracking your progress and providing motivation along your quit-smoking journey. Here are some key features of the Quit Tracker app:

a. Tracking Smoke-Free Days

Quit Tracker allows you to track the number of smoke-free days since your quit date.
It clearly and visually represents your progress, highlighting the time you have successfully refrained from smoking.

b. Cigarettes Not Smoked

The app calculates and displays the number of cigarettes you have not smoked since quitting.
This feature helps you visualize the positive impact of your decision to quit and provides a sense of accomplishment.

c. Financial Savings

Quit Tracker helps you estimate the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It calculates the money you would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and shows your daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly savings.
This can serve as a powerful motivator and highlight the financial benefits of quitting.

d. Goal Setting

The app allows you to set goals related to your quit-smoking journey. Whether aiming for a specific number of smoke-free days or milestones, setting goals can help you stay focused and motivated.

e. Reminders

Quit Tracker lets you set reminders and notifications to help you stay on track with your quit-smoking goals.
These reminders can prompt you to resist cravings or provide encouragement during challenging moments.

f. Widget Support

The app offers widget support, allowing you to view your progress directly from your device's home screen.
This provides quick access to your smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and other statistics without opening the app.

g. Customization

Quit Tracker provides customization options, allowing you to personalize the app according to your preferences.
You can choose different themes and adjust settings to tailor the app to your liking.

6. Smoke-Free - Quit Smoking App

This app is a highly regarded and comprehensive application designed to assist individuals in quitting smoking.
It offers a range of features and resources to support, motivate and maintain steady communication with users throughout their smoke-free journey.
Here are some key features of the Smoke-Free app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

The app helps you create a personalized quit plan based on your smoking habits, motivations, and goals.
It provides guidance tailored to your needs and offers strategies to overcome challenges.

b. Progress Tracking

Smoke-Free allows you to track your progress as you become smoke-free.
It records and displays the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
This tracking feature visually represents your achievements and motivates you to stay on track.

c. Health Improvements

The app provides information on the health benefits of quitting smoking.
It highlights the positive changes in your body as you stay smoke-free, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and increased energy levels.

d. Financial Savings

Smoke-Free calculates the amount of money saved since you quit smoking.
It tracks your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a tangible representation of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Craving Management

The app offers tools and techniques to help manage cravings and nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
It provides distractions, activities, and tips for navigating through challenging moments and staying committed to your quit-smoking goals.

f. Achievement Badges and Virtual Rewards

Smoke-Free rewards your progress with achievement badges as you reach milestones and accomplish goals.
These badges provide a sense of accomplishment and serve as a source of motivation.

g. Community Support

The app includes a community forum to connect with a supportive community of individuals who are also quitting smoking or have successfully stopped.
This allows you to share experiences, seek advice, and receive encouragement.

h. Daily Missions and Tips

Smoke-Free provides daily missions and tips to keep you engaged and motivated.
These missions and tips offer guidance, inspiration, and strategies to overcome challenges throughout your quit-smoking journey.

Conclusion

Remember, these quit-smoking apps are meant to provide support and motivation, but ultimately, quitting smoking requires personal commitment and determination.
Terrie Hall left a message before her death. She said, “Don’t smoke, and if you do smoke, quit. Keep trying until you succeed.”
There you have it, folks, the 6 best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.

Hey there! Let me introduce you to the top quit-smoking apps worldwide for iPhone and iPad users.
These apps were designed to spur you in your journey. So, with loads of determination and your gadgets, you’d be on your way to a healthier lifestyle.
Yes, you have it tough in these difficult times. Smoking brings relief, euphoria, ecstasy, relaxation, warmth, and escape from anger and stress. But hey, it has been widely accepted to be deadly; you know that? Yes, you do.
In her viral video, Terrie Linn McNutt Hall, a former smoker, said, “I wish I’d never seen a cigarette in my entire life. I truly do. I wish I’d never seen one, much less picked it up and smoked it.” Two days later, after years of battle against cancer caused by smoking, she lost her life.
Don’t make it too late. You can save your lungs and health from years of pain and torture.
In this article, you’d get to know or recall why you began smoking, why you should quit it, and some of the best quit-smoking apps for your iPhone and iPad.

Why Do You Smoke?

As people are different, so are their needs, challenges, and way of life. Therefore, the list below does not nearly cover why people smoke.
It simply states a few of them. To help you stop, you need to get to the root of your addiction.

1. Nicotine Addiction

Nicotine, a highly addictive substance found in tobacco, is the primary reason you become hooked on smoking. Nicotine addiction develops over time as the body becomes dependent on the drug.
Continued smoking is often driven by the cravings and withdrawal symptoms associated with nicotine addiction.

2. Peer Pressure and Social Influence

You may recall starting or continuing smoking due to peer pressure or the desire to fit in with a particular social group.
Smoking can be seen as a social activity or a way to bond with friends or colleagues who smoke.

3. Stress Relief

You may have turned to smoking as a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions.
Smoking is often perceived as a way to relax or relieve tension, even though the long-term effects on stress management are adverse.

4. Habit and Ritual

Smoking can become a habit deeply ingrained in daily routines. It may be associated with specific activities or situations, such as taking a break, socializing, or complementing other behaviors. The ceremonial aspects of smoking can make it challenging to quit.

5. Emotional Regulation

Smoking may be used as a way to regulate emotions or alleviate boredom. Some individuals find that smoking provides a temporary distraction or a perceived comfort in certain situations.

6. Weight Control

Nicotine is known to suppress appetite and increase metabolism, leading you to make smoking replace food cravings and become a part of weight loss goals.

7. Perception and Image

Smoking has historically been associated with specific images, such as being rebellious, cool, or sophisticated.
You may have begun smoking to align yourself with these perceptions or to project a particular image.

Why Should You Quit Smoking?

For numerous reasons, quitting smoking benefits one's health and overall well-being. Here are some compelling reasons to consider;

1. Improved Overall Health

You may experience ragged or hoarse breathing, shortness of breath, persistent cough, chest pains, and pain in the hands, arms, and shoulders. These symptoms are associated with a smoker's lungs.
Quitting smoking reduces the risk of developing these severe health conditions, including lung cancer, heart disease, stroke, respiratory infections, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). It also improves lung function and helps with better breathing.

2. Increased Life Expectancy

True, no one knows when death will come knocking, but studies have consistently shown that quitting smoking at any age increases life expectancy.
Stopping smoking significantly reduces the risk of premature death associated with smoking-related diseases.

3. Enhanced Cardiovascular Health

The impact of smoking includes damaged blood vessels, increased blood pressure, and the risk of blood clots.
When you quit smoking, your cardiovascular health improves, decreasing the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and other cardiovascular diseases.

4. Improved Respiratory Health

Smoking damages the lungs and leads to various respiratory problems, such as chronic bronchitis and emphysema.
Quitting smoking helps to reduce coughing, shortness of breath, and the risk of respiratory infections.

5. Better Physical Fitness

Smoking affects physical performance and endurance by reducing lung capacity and muscle oxygen supply.
When you quit smoking, you experience improved stamina, energy levels, and the ability to engage in physical activities without feeling breathless.

6. Enhanced Sense of Taste and Smell

You may notice a bland taste in your food and experience a decline in your sense of smell. Among other health conditions, smoking is a causative agent.
Smoking dulls the senses of taste and smell. However, these senses gradually improve when you trash smoking.
You, my friend, would be led back to a richer experience of flavors and aromas.

7. Improved Appearance

You may have seen photos of individuals before and after they quit smoking. If not, try looking it up.
Smoking contributes to premature aging, wrinkles, yellowing of teeth, and skin damage.
Quitting smoking helps restore a healthier complexion, brighter teeth, and a more youthful appearance.

8. Financial Savings

Hey, smoking is an expensive habit to maintain. You'd end up having several quick fixes that'll consume your paycheck.
By quitting, you can save a significant amount of money that would otherwise be spent on cigarette consumption, allowing you to allocate those funds toward other priorities or enjoyable activities.

9. A Better Quality of Life

Freedom, yes. Quitting smoking can bring about a sense of freedom, control, and empowerment.
You'll no longer allow cigarettes to control your existence. Once you kick that stick to the curb, you'd most likely experience improved mental and emotional well-being.

10. Protecting Others

Smoking harms the individual who smokes and poses health risks to those around them through second-hand smoke.
Asthmatic patients and others may be seriously harmed. It may sound far-fetched, but smoking or the light from a cigarette can actually start a fire.
When you decide to quit, you'll surely contribute to a healthier environment for your loved ones and reduce their exposure to harmful toxins. Think about it.
Remember, quitting smoking can be challenging, but numerous resources and support systems can help you succeed.
Getting professional help, joining smoking cessation programs, or using nicotine replacement therapies can boost your chances of quitting.
Now let's look at one of the support systems. Below and some of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.

6 Best Quit-Smoking Apps for iPhone and iPad

Several smoking cessation applications for iPhone and iPad can assist you in developing excellent and steady quitting methods.
Here are some of the top-rated and popular quit-smoking apps you can consider and how they work:

1. Smoke-Free - Quit Smoking Now

Being one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad, Smoke-free app offers comprehensive features and tools to help you quit smoking and stay smoke-free.
Here are some key features of the Smoke-Free app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

The app provides a personalized plan based on your smoking habits and goals. It guides you through the quitting process with tailored missions and milestones.

b. Progress Tracker

Smoke-Free tracks your progress over time and displays statistics such as the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and money saved.
This can serve as a visual representation of your accomplishments and motivates you to continue.

c. Health Improvements

The app showcases the positive health changes that occur after quitting smoking.
It provides information on how your body recovers over time, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and enhanced sense of taste and smell.

d. Cravings Management

Smoke-Free helps you manage cravings by providing strategies and distraction techniques. It offers interactive games and exercises to redirect your focus when desires arise.

e. Financial Savings

The app calculates the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It presents this information in various formats, such as daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly savings, motivating you with the financial benefits of quitting.

f. Achievements and Badges

Smoke-Free rewards you with achievements and badges as you progress on your smoke-free journey.
These milestones provide a sense of accomplishment and further motivation.

g. Community Support

The app includes a supportive community forum where you can connect with other people who are quitting smoking or have successfully stopped. It allows you to share experiences, receive encouragement, and support others.

2. QuitNow! Quit Smoking

QuitNow! Quit Smoking is another popular support system and one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.
It offers a range of features and tools to help you quit smoking and maintain a smoke-free lifestyle. Here are some key features of the QuitNow! App:

a. Tracking and Statistics

QuitNow! tracks your progress by displaying the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
It provides real-time updates on your progress and helps you visualize the positive changes happening as you quit smoking.

b. Health Milestones

The app provides information on the health benefits you can experience while staying smoke-free.
It shows improvements in lung function, cardiovascular health, and overall well-being.

c. Craving Management

QuitNow! offers a craving tracker that helps you identify patterns and triggers for cravings.
It provides tools and techniques to manage and overcome cravings effectively.

d. Financial Savings

The app calculates and displays the money saved since quitting smoking.
It shows your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a clear picture of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Achievements and Badges

QuitNow! rewards you with achievements and badges as you reach certain milestones to quit smoking.
These badges provide a sense of accomplishment and can serve as a source of motivation.

f. Community Support

The app features a community of users who are also quitting smoking or have successfully quit.
You can connect with others, share your experiences, receive support, and provide encouragement to fellow app users.

g. Health Information and Tips

QuitNow! provides educational resources, health information, and tips to help you stay motivated and informed about the benefits of quitting smoking.
It offers insights into the positive changes happening in your body as you become smoke-free.

3. MyQuit Coach

MyQuit Coach is an application developed by Livestrong to help individuals quit smoking. It provides personalized support and guidance throughout your quitting journey.
Here are some key features of the MyQuit Coach app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

MyQuit Coach creates a customized quitting plan based on your smoking habits, motivations, and goals.
It considers the number of daily cigarette consumption, smoking triggers, and previous quit attempts.

b. Tracker and Progress Monitoring

The app allows you to track your progress and monitor your smoke-free days, non-smoked cigarettes, and money saved since quitting.
This tracking feature helps you stay motivated and visualize the positive changes occurring as you move forward.

c. Craving Management

MyQuit Coach provides strategies and techniques to manage cravings and overcome nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
It offers tips and guidance to navigate challenging situations and cope with triggers effectively.

d. Achievement Badges

The app offers achievement badges to celebrate milestones and progress.
These badges serve as a visual representation of your accomplishments and provide a sense of achievement and motivation.

e. Community Support

MyQuit Coach includes a supportive community forum where you can connect with other individuals who are also quitting smoking or have successfully stopped.
This allows you to share experiences, receive encouragement, and gain support from others going through a similar journey.

f. Educational Resources

The app provides educational resources and information about the benefits of quitting smoking.
It offers insights into the positive changes happening in your body and the health improvements you can expect.

g. Motivational Reminders

MyQuit Coach sends personalized reminders and messages to keep you motivated and on track with your quit plan.
These reminders can help you stay focused and committed to quitting smoking.

4. Kwit - Quit smoking

Kwit is a quit-smoking app that takes a gamified approach to help individuals quit smoking.
This has made it stand out even as one of the best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.
It offers a unique and interactive experience to make quitting more engaging and enjoyable.
Here are some key features of the Kwit - Quit Smoking app:

a. Gamified Experience

Kwit uses gamification techniques to make quitting smoking more fun and motivating.
It offers achievements, missions, and challenges you can complete as you progress on your smoke-free journey.
The app provides a sense of accomplishment and rewards your achievements, making the process feel like a game.

b. Craving Tracker

The app includes a craving tracker to identify and monitor your cravings. It provides tools and activities to distract yourself and overcome cravings effectively.
The interactive nature of the app helps you shift your focus away from smoking.

c. Health Benefits Tracking

Kwit highlights the health improvements you can experience as you quit smoking.
It displays information about your progress and showcases the positive changes in your body, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and enhanced overall well-being.

d. Financial Savings

The app calculates and displays the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It shows your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a tangible representation of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Inspirational Content

Kwit provides motivational quotes, facts, and messages to keep you inspired and focused on your goal to quit smoking. It offers positive reinforcement and encouragement throughout your journey.

f. Community Support

The app includes a community feature that creates a medium for the communication of users.
You can share your progress and experiences and support others in quitting. It makes a supportive environment and a sense of camaraderie.

g. Progress Tracking

Kwit tracks your progress and displays statistics such as the number of smoke-free days, the pack of cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
It provides a visual representation of your achievements and motivates you to continue staying smoke-free.

5. Quit Tracker

The Quit Tracker app is a simple, user-friendly application designed to help individuals quit smoking.
It focuses on tracking your progress and providing motivation along your quit-smoking journey. Here are some key features of the Quit Tracker app:

a. Tracking Smoke-Free Days

Quit Tracker allows you to track the number of smoke-free days since your quit date.
It clearly and visually represents your progress, highlighting the time you have successfully refrained from smoking.

b. Cigarettes Not Smoked

The app calculates and displays the number of cigarettes you have not smoked since quitting.
This feature helps you visualize the positive impact of your decision to quit and provides a sense of accomplishment.

c. Financial Savings

Quit Tracker helps you estimate the amount of money saved since quitting smoking.
It calculates the money you would have spent on a pack of cigarettes and shows your daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly savings.
This can serve as a powerful motivator and highlight the financial benefits of quitting.

d. Goal Setting

The app allows you to set goals related to your quit-smoking journey. Whether aiming for a specific number of smoke-free days or milestones, setting goals can help you stay focused and motivated.

e. Reminders

Quit Tracker lets you set reminders and notifications to help you stay on track with your quit-smoking goals.
These reminders can prompt you to resist cravings or provide encouragement during challenging moments.

f. Widget Support

The app offers widget support, allowing you to view your progress directly from your device's home screen.
This provides quick access to your smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and other statistics without opening the app.

g. Customization

Quit Tracker provides customization options, allowing you to personalize the app according to your preferences.
You can choose different themes and adjust settings to tailor the app to your liking.

6. Smoke-Free - Quit Smoking App

This app is a highly regarded and comprehensive application designed to assist individuals in quitting smoking.
It offers a range of features and resources to support, motivate and maintain steady communication with users throughout their smoke-free journey.
Here are some key features of the Smoke-Free app:

a. Personalized Quit Plan

The app helps you create a personalized quit plan based on your smoking habits, motivations, and goals.
It provides guidance tailored to your needs and offers strategies to overcome challenges.

b. Progress Tracking

Smoke-Free allows you to track your progress as you become smoke-free.
It records and displays the number of smoke-free days, cigarettes not smoked, and the time since your last cigarette.
This tracking feature visually represents your achievements and motivates you to stay on track.

c. Health Improvements

The app provides information on the health benefits of quitting smoking.
It highlights the positive changes in your body as you stay smoke-free, such as improved lung function, reduced risk of diseases, and increased energy levels.

d. Financial Savings

Smoke-Free calculates the amount of money saved since you quit smoking.
It tracks your savings daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, giving you a tangible representation of the financial benefits of quitting.

e. Craving Management

The app offers tools and techniques to help manage cravings and nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
It provides distractions, activities, and tips for navigating through challenging moments and staying committed to your quit-smoking goals.

f. Achievement Badges and Virtual Rewards

Smoke-Free rewards your progress with achievement badges as you reach milestones and accomplish goals.
These badges provide a sense of accomplishment and serve as a source of motivation.

g. Community Support

The app includes a community forum to connect with a supportive community of individuals who are also quitting smoking or have successfully stopped.
This allows you to share experiences, seek advice, and receive encouragement.

h. Daily Missions and Tips

Smoke-Free provides daily missions and tips to keep you engaged and motivated.
These missions and tips offer guidance, inspiration, and strategies to overcome challenges throughout your quit-smoking journey.

Conclusion

Remember, these quit-smoking apps are meant to provide support and motivation, but ultimately, quitting smoking requires personal commitment and determination.
Terrie Hall left a message before her death. She said, “Don’t smoke, and if you do smoke, quit. Keep trying until you succeed.”
There you have it, folks, the 6 best quit-smoking apps for iPhone and iPad.

Hey everyone,
​
Today, let's delve into the fascinating world of vaping! Whether you're a seasoned vaper or just curious about this trend, there's a lot to learn and explore. As someone who has been vaping for a while now, I'm excited to share some insights and personal experiences with you all.
​
The Basics of Vaping:
Vaping involves inhaling and exhaling vapor produced by an electronic device called a vape. These devices work by heating a liquid (usually called e-liquid or vape juice) to create vapor, which is then inhaled by the user. There are several types of vapes available, including:
- Pod Systems: Compact and easy to use, perfect for beginners.
- Vape Pens: Sleek and portable, great for on-the-go vaping.
- Mods: Larger devices with customizable features, ideal for experienced vapers.
​
Pros and Cons of Vaping:
Now, let's talk about the good and the bad when it comes to vaping.
​
Pros:
- Alternative to Smoking: Many people turn to vaping as a way to quit or reduce smoking traditional cigarettes.
- Flavor Variety: One of the most enjoyable aspects of vaping is the wide range of flavors available, from fruity to dessert-inspired.
- Customization: With different devices and e-liquids, vapers can customize their vaping experience to suit their preferences.
​
Cons:
- Health Risks: While vaping is generally considered less harmful than smoking, it's not without risks, particularly for non-smokers and young people.
- Addiction: Some e-liquids contain nicotine, which can lead to addiction, especially in young users.
- Regulatory Uncertainty: The vaping industry is still relatively new, and regulations vary by country, which can make it confusing for consumers.
​
Personal Experiences and Advice:
As for my personal journey with vaping, I started as a way to quit smoking, and it's been a game-changer for me. I've tried various devices and flavors over the years, and while it hasn't been without its challenges, I'm grateful for the support and community I've found within the vaping community.
​
If you're considering trying vaping, my advice is to do your research, start with a simple device, and experiment with different flavors until you find what works for you. And remember, vaping isn't for everyone, so listen to your body and make informed decisions.
​
Conclusion:
In conclusion, vaping can be an enjoyable and potentially beneficial activity for many, but it's essential to weigh the pros and cons and make educated choices. Whether you're a veteran vaper or a curious newcomer, I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with vaping. Feel free to share in the comments below!
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Let's keep the conversation going and learn from each other's experiences. Happy vaping, everyone! 💨✨

As Napalm
It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.
Part 5 Liu
I’m a missile from Zhengzhou
Where my face is printed with flowers
Left university with hope
A blimp
To be ripped
Abrasion and termites
Eat me whole until I undo
Caught to the wires around me
Laying flat
Hoping for something new.
My name is Michelle. I had been at the local foreigner bar. I was raided in Zhengzhou. I lost my job recently. I’m 22 and wanted to work in business, but it will not do. Lost
Now I was working at a TikTok farm. I’m a busy ant.
I can’t remember much. My anti-convulsion meds make my mind feel muddy. I spend nights playing with my tarot cards wondering what I got to do to get to a place better.
Driving me crazy taking meds because my face started to hurt me. Feels like a bolt to my face—absolute torture!—suicide disease—that is what the doctors told me.
So I had an attempt and all my coworkers thought I had an affair.
All the gossip was like blitzkrieg so I ran away—I quit. And I need to make money because I’m sick and don’t want the nerve pain. Hoping surgery can save me. So I found myself working making money on live streams doing ASMR. I put on beautiful hanfu and paint flowers on my face. I’m waiting for gifts. But my boss hates me. Maybe because I don’t fit the picture. It’s not in my character to lay flat.
I speak English fluently. So my boss thinks I’m perfect for something new. I go on WeChat waiting for strangers to go on the social app looking for affairs. Foreigners that are easy to pull likes moths to lights. I flirt with them. Ask them to me in the middle of the night. We go to predestined positions. Guys thinking they are getting something that night. A couple larger men come to force the unexpected men to pay an astronomical bill that is not just for the snacks served.
This became my routine. But onetime it really bad. A Canadian I met in the street did not act right. He appeared to be bouncing and deranged. Like he was on some kind of upper. Offered me white powder. My sensors went off. I’m a missile. I know when something is off. Ready to do what I have to. He came close. I shoved him. I was near the location for the setup. My colleagues heard the commotion. Hands went. The crazed Canadian fell to the ground and never woke up again. Not knowing what to do. I went off like a missile and ran. The fear…
Part 6
I thought of it as I got lost. I’m a butterfly from Zhengzhou. From the center of Henan in China. I float off. Cause I’m stuck. No symmetry in my fate. Came under the ground as a Cicada. Went looking for something great but I’m not far. Just stuck, like a sun that won’t rise up. Call me Liu.
I developed the suicide disease when I was 19. It leaves my facing in tremendous pain on the left side. Makes me fall down and want to die. 26% will commit suicide. I often painted flowers on the side to grant some beauty to what happens to me. This disease caused all my teeth, gums, and entire left side to turn to intense electrical stabbing pain. There would be no warning before an attack. Paranoia of not knowing when the next one will come.
Had a decent job that seemed to be fit and good for me. The attacks brought me to my knees and made me eat carpet. Brought me to a frantic spell that caused me to overdose. Rumors spread at work that it was due to shame I had for having an affair with a married man.
I left the career devastated. I was shamed out of it.
I had temporarily found myself stranded into a career on a TikTok farm in Zhengzhou performing ASMR.
I was transplanted to a new career after a horrible incident. I had ran off to Guangzhou to where my cousin lives.
I want symmetry in my life. There is none. Just instability and pain.
Do you believe in the transplantation of thoughts? I do.
Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Learned about it before in a book. My friend beside me nodded after having taken their fentanyl based medicine earlier. Tiring doing odd jobs to pull off getting ahold of things.
I walked by and entered my workplace. I walked into the studio that was based in Guangzhou. I was handed my flyers. I headed to the street and began passing them out to advertise for a local KTV with women wearing little to no clothing on them.
A man walked by on the sidewalk. Some man looked like someone I must know before. Ever ad that feeling? But I could not know for sure or remember exactly. I awkwardly stared him up and down.
The man I had a hard time recognizing started to feel all too familiar. It was like I could read his thoughts. I have a projector head. Sometimes I can see everything. I feel it like rays of the sun on my skin—so natural and calling. Like Chang’e on the moon so far away looking down on a lover she misses—this man was sending radio signal signals from his marrow. A special type of attraction. Need attention like the world has been cruel to me. A world that has abandoned me.
The books were right that I had been reading. He must of noticing my odd staring. He took a flyer from me. Stumbled a bit while trying to understand what was going on. I pointed at the establishment I worked and told him he should visit. He gave a smile before departing it. I’m sure heaven can talk—gave orders to lift the anchors to provide transportation to a new fate.
It was exciting to know I might get to meet him, but I had concerns. In the evening I would work within the KTV. Depending on the occasion I would sometimes get to dress in hanfu, which I enjoyed. I sometimes search for distraction as there is something wrong with the way my thoughts transfer. When you live a life under threats and violence—feelings of being trapped in life—you naturally see people with masks. They either pose a threat or are safe and you must view them in black and white. There is no time to see things in grey—too much danger in doing that. I must have a negative perspective on the world around me like a cocoon to stay safe. Like a butterfly I go to faces to see if they bite or have pollen. I believe the man today had pollen. I truly can read minds.
Part 7
Black and white thinking originates like an atom bomb. It tears a mind into a black hole of horrible events. Leaves craters like hole as cheese in the brain—provides the surface to create something that absorbs like a sponge. Pain that radiates through to create the velocity of irritated atomic steam engine that can send signals out. It burns. Cheese head with holes right through like a particle accelerator went right through. Fox holes in the brain when it feels in danger. A life of a perpetual civil war. It is painful.
Such thinking with holes causes one to be prone to have memories fall through black holes and be forgotten. Never can be found. Blanks.
The man that thoughts transpired to earlier in the day went by the name of Muchen. It was like seppuku in attraction. Fusion. We met at the designated room he had gotten with his friends to rent out to have there to host. Drinks are bought as a form of payment. Transplanting of thoughts wears the brain like sandpaper waves of abrasion.
I don't trust you as the reader. You been holding for a long time And I feel attachment with you that makes me very unsafe. I don’t trust you anymore. I rather you stop putting eyes on me. It makes me run off very fast. I’m uncomfortable. The most benign things come across as dangerous to me. And I want you to step away.
Part 8
I like this man I met. He makes me whole. He is the light for everything dark around me. My boss made me feel what I never felt before. He is so nice! Not like the other guys who talk with words that split my insides. I can do the same. Like a cycle hate goes around in love.
He get so lonely at night. But I have the right company.
I’m feeling so nice
Everything just so happy
Tapping away on my phone
Writing poetry
Because my heart grows
Swell like a balloon
Don’t you want to pop it?
Simmer
Like acne to pop.
I kept writing poetry about my feelings of this man. I could not get him out of my head. The strength of transplanted thoughts. I keep going forever. Like a phony I feel. My boss was the man I transplanted thoughts with. He worked at a local host club. For where women and gay men could go and pay drinks for male hosts to sit with them and keep them feeling loved and entertained. I fused to him like atoms in the sun. He was a host at this club. I would host at my location and meet him. We were each other’s. Eating ourselves together.
to be continued..

In 1958, I was one of dozens, if not hundreds, who were wrongfully detained in mental asylums across the United States. I know how it sounds. Believe me, I do. But I was not crazy. A simple mental evaluation would have proven that. But, unsurprisingly, nobody thought to administer one.
Even after all these years, I can recall it vividly. My good-for-nothing, downright rotten ex-husband, Allen, had accused me of attacking him. He claimed that one day I had just “snapped,” and that when he tried to calm me down, I raked my razor-sharp nails across his face. He even had the scars to prove it.
I couldn’t comprehend his motives. Even now, I still do not understand what drove him to commit such a depraved act. What had I done to deserve such a demented punishment? I will never truly know the answer. Allen died in 1987 from acute lymphoma. May his soul burn in Hell.
I was devastated when the judge handed down my sentence. Back then, we didn’t photograph every minor detail of our lives like young people do today. Forensics hadn’t progressed to where they are now either, which meant it was Allen’s word against mine. And the evidence was stacked against me.
The court has deemed Elizabeth Annette Mueller a significant threat to herself and others. After detailed evaluation, she has been ruled unfit to stand trial. To prevent further harm to members of the general populace, I hereby order her to receive indefinite treatment at Trenton Psychiatric Hospital, formerly known as the New Jersey State Lunatic Asylum.
“No!” I wailed, tears streaming down my face. “Your Honor, I am not crazy, you have to believe me! Please, just give me a chance to-”
The judge held up his hand, effectively silencing me. His eyes locked with mine, his upper lip curled into a snarl.
“Mrs. Mueller, my ruling is final. I wish you the best with your… rehabilitation,” he smirked, showcasing rows of jagged, yellow teeth.
I glanced over to my then-husband, tears clouding my vision. I’ll never forget what I saw. A smug look had overtaken his countenance. It was as if we were playing an intense match of chess, and Allen had won.
“Why?” I squeaked, my voice thin and brittle. “Why would you do this to me? I’m your wife!”
“You were my wife,” he replied coldly. “Once you are admitted, I will file for an annulment. I really do hope you receive the proper treatment, Elizabeth. You deserve nothing less.”
I was given twenty-four hours to make my preparations. Just one day to say goodbye to my friends and family before being carted off to unending purgatory. Needless to say, I was inconsolable.
“Liza, everything will be okay. We are going to fight this tooth and nail,” Mom told me for the hundredth time.
“Your mother is right. We both know that you aren’t capable of such violence. We will stop at nothing to bring you home,” Dad assured me, tears brimming at the corners of his dark brown eyes.
My lower lip trembled. I couldn’t contain my own tears any longer. “Mom, Dad… I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want this. Any of it. It’s not fair,” I cried, sobs wracking my body. Mom gently rubbed my back, staying silent.
“If you can’t get me released, p-promise that you won’t forget me, okay?” Dad pulled me into a hug, holding me tightly. Mom joined him, wrapping her arms around both of us.
“Liza, we could never forget you. No matter what happens, you are our daughter, and nothing will change that. Your mother and I will love you forever, even in death.” Mom burst into tears, her steel resolve finally crumbling. I wished we could stay like that forever. That I would never have to leave their sides again. But, of course, that isn’t how things played out.
When my parents finally released me from their embrace, a white panel van with the words Trenton Psychiatric Hospital imprinted on the side sat idling behind them. A sense of impending doom crashed over me once again. This was it. My life as I knew it was about to be over.
I gazed up at my parents as two burly men clad in white began stalking up the driveway. I’ll never forget that image. Dad’s lips were pursed, attempting to conceal a permanent frown. He stared at the ground as the men approached, an intense sorrow swimming behind his pupils.
His arm was wrapped snugly around Mom. It appeared as if she hadn’t even noticed our visitors. She had covered her face with her hands, but even so, a steady stream of tears flooded through her fingers. It felt like a sick joke. What had I done to deserve such a cruel fate?
“Mrs. Mueller, it’s time,” a deep voice grunted. I turned to find the pair of behemoths looming over me. Their cold, unwavering stares bore into my psyche, disapproving frowns etched into their faces. Something in me snapped.
At that moment, the reality of my situation finally sank in. This wasn’t some twisted nightmare. It was real.
“No! I don’t want to go! Please, don’t take me!” I sobbed, attempting to flee back to the safety of my parents. The men seized my arms, preventing my escape.
“I’m s-sorry, sweetie. We’ll visit as often as we can. We love you,” Dad said through teary eyes.
As they dragged me away, I could do nothing but stare at my parents’ somber faces. I kicked and screamed to no avail, and before I knew it, I was being brutally tossed into the back of the van, left to peer through the back window as we departed. I watched helplessly as the outline of my parents grew further and further away, until eventually, they disappeared from view entirely.
The ride to the facility was spent in silence, aside from my occasional sniffles. Dad’s final words repeatedly echoed through my mind: We love you.
I didn’t say it back. God, why didn’t I just say it back? I didn’t know when I would see my parents again, yet I couldn’t bring myself to utter those three simple words.
“Look there, miss,” the driver said, snapping me back to reality. “That’s where you’re going to spend the rest of your days.”
A massive, multi-story building loomed on the horizon. Dark clouds swirled behind it, lending to its eerie ambiance. The red brick exterior was weathered with age, and vines snaked up and down the sides. My heart dropped. The place more closely resembled a prison than a mental institution.
In no time, the van was screeching to a halt. The doors flew open, and I was forcefully shoved out of the back. One of the men grabbed the collar of my blouse and violently pulled me up the steps.
“Do you mind? I can walk with my own two feet,” I spat, glaring daggers at the gorilla of a man pulling me along.
“Sorry, sweetheart. Not gonna happen. I don’t trust you not to run off.”
I frowned, resigning myself to being tossed around like a ragdoll. The front door was flung open, and I was pushed through. I could sense an immediate shift in the atmosphere. The institution radiated a dreary, hopeless aura. The hallway before me stunk of rot and mildew, which was compounded by cigarette smoke wafting from the reception counter.
“Your name is?”
A gravelly voice drifted to my ears. The middle-aged woman whom the cancer stick belonged to stared at me expectantly, her dull, sunken eyes connecting with mine.
“E-Elizabeth. Elizabeth Mueller.”
The woman sucked in on her cigarette, finishing it off. She snubbed out the smoldering butt and began shuffling through paperwork.
“Elizabeth Annette Mueller? Age twenty-one?” she asked, her rough, monotone voice like nails on a chalkboard.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Take these and get changed in the restroom over there. Bring me your clothes and any personal belongings once you’re finished,” she muttered, handing me a cream-colored hospital gown.
I cried as I shed my clothes. The last ounce of freedom I had was being stripped away, and I was helpless to prevent it. Why was this happening? Why me?
I slipped into the gown and peered at my reflection in the mirror. This was my existence now. I was nothing more than a number, indistinguishable from any other patient confined to that derelict hell house. As I would come to find out, however, that wasn’t entirely true…
I sat on the toilet, quietly sobbing. I wanted as much time to myself as possible before being processed. But, after only mere minutes, a loud knock rattled the door.
“Hurry up in there! We ain’t got all day!”
I quickly wiped away my tears, gathering my garments. “I’m using the facilities! I’ll be out momentarily!”
I heard a muffled grunt as the technician shuffled away. I sighed, splashing my face with water.
Okay. I can do this. I can make it out of here. Just behave and stay out of trouble. That won’t be so difficult, right? Mom and Dad will secure my freedom before I know it.
After reassuring myself, I exited the restroom with a newfound resolve. Dad was right. He would fight for me. It was only a matter of time… Wasn’t it?
I plopped my clothes onto the receptionist’s desk. The woman lazily glanced up at me. A new cigarette had already appeared between her fingers. “Thanks, hon. Your buddies here will show you to your room.”
I nodded, turning back to the gargantuan men. For the first time, I thought to read the nametags pinned to their uniforms. The one who had dragged me into the building was named Samson. He constantly wore a menacing, no-nonsense expression. His balding twenty-something-year-old cohort’s name was Erik. I made sure to take a mental note of that.
“This way,” Samson grumbled, stomping down the hall. I turned to Erik. He pursed his lips and extended a hand, motioning for me to follow his colleague. I diligently obliged.
The further we walked, the more run-down the institution began to appear. Whereas the foyer looked clean, the wing that I was being herded into didn’t even try to pretend. Eventually, we found ourselves standing before a thick steel door. Samson faced me with a snarl.
“This is it, ma’am. Kiss your autonomy goodbye,” he growled, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
“Duly noted. Do you have any advice for me before we proceed?”
“Yeah, I got something for ya. Stay outta trouble. Make my job any more difficult than it has to be, and I’ll make your life a living hell. Got it?” Samson snapped, his voice echoing down the empty corridor. Erik averted his gaze. Come to think of it, he hadn’t uttered a single word the entire time.
“Understood,” I squeaked. I had to stay strong. I couldn’t let my confidence crumble.
Samson pounded his fist against the door. A slot clinked open, and a pair of bloodshot eyeballs presented themselves. “Password.”
“Alley cat.”
I heard a grunt of approval before the rusted door hinges began to creak open. A third insanely tall man stood in the doorway.
“Thanks, Wallace. Come on, miss,” Samson said, continuing forward.
The further we went, the more appalled I became. The wallpaper had degraded to a deep yellow with brown splotches interspersed throughout, along with intermittent dashes of… blood? Cockroaches skittered across the floor, and I was fairly certain that I was breathing in spores of black mold. My heart sank. It quickly became apparent that my stay at Trenton Psychiatric Hospital would be much worse than expected…
We marched onward until we reached a section with rooms on either side. I curiously peered into them as we passed. To my dismay, each appeared to be filthier than the last. Every room boasted a twin bed with a thin metal frame, a sink that may or may not have ever been cleaned, and an absolutely abhorrent looking toilet. I immediately assumed that the facility had never even considered hiring cleaning services.
Samson suddenly stopped in his tracks, pointing at one of the doors. A dingy plaque barely clinging to the frame read 32-B. “This one’s yours.”
My eyes grew wide as dinner plates. Disgusting was an understatement. It appeared that I would not be provided with a blanket, forcing me to sleep on a bare mattress that was stained a dark yellow. The walls had been smeared in some brown, reeking substance (which I later confirmed to be feces), and the knob for the cold water on the sink had been snapped clean off. Just looking at my new living quarters nearly caused me to vomit.
“You can make yourself at home later,” Samson grinned, noticing the horrified expression written across my visage. “I’ll show you to the recreational area.”
We continued down the corridor. I didn’t care what the recreational area looked like. I couldn’t get the image of that putrid, revolting excuse for a room out of my head. My hope was already beginning to wane. How could I manage to survive in such repugnant conditions?
Before I knew it, Samson had stopped our little entourage for the final time. He pushed open a set of double doors, revealing a large room that contained… rocking chairs. Decrepit, broken-down rocking chairs. Well, those and a smattering of patients.
“This is the end of the road for us. Play nice,” Samson smirked, shoving me into the room. Erik glanced down at me and nodded, his eyes portraying a deep sadness. Something told me that he wasn’t working that job of his own volition.
I nervously surveyed my surroundings. Every pair of eyes was locked onto me. I was absolutely mortified.
Almost all at once, everyone just… returned to their devices. A thin, bald man was staring at the wall, clapping every so often, as if he was a child watching cartoons. An old woman sat in a rocking chair, biting her nails, her eyes darting rapidly back and forth. A younger woman, no older than thirty, rocked softly in her chair, simply people-watching. I made up my mind. There had to be at least one other reasonably sane person in that asylum, and I was determined to find them.
I approached the woman and claimed a seat beside her. My heart thundered in my chest as I built up the courage to speak to her. “H-hi. My name is Elizabeth. What’s yours?”
The woman turned to me and smiled. She was pretty. Long, blonde hair fell past her shoulders, and I could tell that she had at least attempted to keep up a decent appearance. As much as one could in such a decrepit cesspit, at least.
The woman’s ocean blue eyes connected with mine. Her voice was like a melody as it drifted to my ears. “Oh, I know you, darling. I know all of you. I am but a vessel for my lord, Beelzebub. He lives inside of me, just like he lives in each one of you gathered here today. He will come for you. He will come for you. He will come for YOU!” the woman shouted, devolving into a wild laughing fit. I slowly backed away as her cackles crescendoed. I needed to be more careful.
Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I froze, my breath catching in my throat. I slowly turned to face whoever it was.
I was shocked to find that the man who greeted me looked… normal. While most of the other patients wore a variety of expressions ranging from anxious to vacant to utterly depraved, the man before me seemed calm. Almost too calm.
“Hello there. My name is George,” he said, extending a hand. I cautiously accepted it.
“Elizabeth. The pleasure is all mine.”
“Look, Elizabeth, I’m not sure why or how you ended up here, but you seem lucid enough. My friends and I,” he said, gesturing to an amicable-appearing man and woman sitting in a corner, “are just about the only people who have retained our sanity in this whole god-forsaken dump. We would like to invite you to join us. Before one of them gets a hold of you, that is.”
When he put it that way, it was really a no-brainer. “I would be honored to make their acquaintance,” I replied, flashing him a weak smile.
“Alright, then. Right this-”
Before George could complete his statement, a sickening thud erupted from directly behind me. I spun around and nearly fainted upon realizing where the noise had come from.
An enormous man had clasped the devil woman’s skull in his hand and began relentlessly bashing it into the concrete floor.
“Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” he screamed, pounding her face into the ground again and again and again. Panic surged through my veins like venom. The woman never stopped laughing. Not until the light faded from her eyes and her features had been mashed to a pulpy, unrecognizable amalgamation of crimson flesh, bone, and teeth.
I had never witnessed anything so violent, not even on the television. I stifled a scream. Then, I watched all the rage begin to drain from the giant’s face. A sense of horror quickly washed over his countenance. He gazed at the dripping skull gripped in the palm of his hand, before dropping it to the ground, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes.
“No. No, I’m sorry. I j-just wanted her to shut up!” he babbled, speaking to no one in particular. “I did it again. Oh god, I did it again,” he sobbed, dropping to his knees, his gargantuan body trembling uncontrollably.
“Things aren’t looking too good for either of them,” George muttered, staring at his feet.
“What do you mean? What’s going to happen to him?” I asked, awaiting a response.
“You’ll see.”
Seconds later, Erik and Samson appeared along with two other technicians dressed in all white, aside from the blue protective gloves covering their hands. The squad rushed over to the wailing man. Samson produced a needle from the pocket on his shirt and jabbed it into his arm. The man howled in pain, but he was helpless to stop it. The others had his arms and legs pinned to the ground, immobilizing him.
“Did they just euthanize him?” I mumbled.
“No. Just watch,” George retorted, his eyes glued to the scene before us.
They waited for a moment as the perpetrator’s cries began to devolve into weak whimpers. Eventually, the crew stood, pulling the sobbing wreck of a man to his feet. His eyes were glazed over, and two of the attendants had to help him walk.
“Wh-what did you d-do to me?” he slurred, groggily placing one foot in front of the other.
“Don’t worry about it. You’re gonna be fine,” Samson grinned patting him on the back.
The group proceeded out the doors, opting to return later for the woman’s desecrated corpse. Samson followed as his fellow caretakers took the man away. I made eye contact with him as he left.
For a brief moment, he smiled at me. It wasn’t a warm, inviting smile. No, that was the disturbed grin of a man who enjoyed his work a bit too much.
Part 2
Part 3
Final