I really need to get this off my chest.
10 years of diarrhea and frequent urination. Seborrheic dermatitis. 10 fucking years.
17 different doctors. I kid you not, i counted.
8 years years of "You are imagining things", "Take this useless pill and gtfo", "Its because you drink coffee on an empty stomach mate, stop dat and gtfo". 0 tests. 5 minutes and out the door. Ok i said, its what it is. Ill live with it.
Queue 2 years ago - Rapid deterioration of symptoms. I now cant leave my house. I live in constant pain and bloating. "Ok" i figure, time to stop going to different doctors. Pick the best one and stick with him.
So i open the website with the doctors, pick the best GI one based on reviews and queue an appointment. Its online trough the phone because he now works in some fancy hospital in UK. Great i figure - he's too good for my shithole country, he might actually solve the case.
We make the video call, he listens to me for an hour and a half. An hour and a fucking half, that's more than the 13 before him combined. He says "Let me think this trough and ill get back to you". Great.
He writes back after a day - "I want to call a forum in the ultra famous university hospital in London. I want to invite leading doctors in all the relevant fields - allergologist, dermatologist, whatevergist (4 more). It will cost you 5k though - do you want to do it?"
"Sure" i say. Maybe finally we get somewhere. 5k is like 2 monthly salaries in my shithole country, but im ok on money, i can afford that easily. He gives me his own fucking personal Revolut. No red flags there, huh?
Anyway, the "forum" passes. He gets back to me.
"Its all stress related OP. Its IBS-D due to stress. The forum is unanimous and the diagnosis is certain. Here is your treatment":

1. Shitty antidepressant/sedative - Deanxit
   
2. Even shittier antihistamine - Ketotifen - but this is just to help with your allergies OP, you can not take it if you want.
   
3. Cut out all stress from your life if you can.
   

Great. I take the pills. All of them. Allergies suck.
Deanxit immediately transforms me into a fucking sloth. Im sleepy all the time. I can barely think. Im a programmer, i kinda need to think.
But. Lo and behold. For the first time in 10 years im ok. Every fucking symptom disappears.
Shit i figure. My stress was really killing me. Time to solve that.
Team lead in a billion dollar company at 30? Doing a great job at it? Hahaaa not any more boss. I quit.
But why do you quit he says? - "I cant handle the stress. Its literally killing me"
Take 3 months off then. We'll find you a replacement team lead. We will demote you back to senior and you can take it easy. We'll take you off supporting the most important website in the company.
Queue me taking 3 months off. - God bless that man for not letting me go. But im no longer a team lead. Im no longer in charge of my website. Im just another programmer now.
Queue me cutting ties with half my family because they stress me out.
Ketotifen disappears from the pharmacies. "Its ok" i think. Its for my allergies anyway. I just get another antihistamine.
5-6 days pass. Symptoms start to slowly reappear. Im now back at work tho and getting stressed again.
Symptoms progress ever so slowly, but progress anyways.
Im constantly in contact with the doctor trough the app. Every single month i pay to have access to him.
Every time i tell him its getting worse he just says its due to stress. Keep at the treatment. No changes.
Symptoms progress to basically no treatment levels. I go to a urologist for the frequency. He says its due to stress also. Here's this sedative, good luck programming on it. Great, fuck that. Second opinion. Go to second urologist - its stress mate, go to a psychiatrist. You are depressed.
I go to another GI doctor for a second opinion. "Its IBS-D due to stress mate, go to a psychiatrist".
"Ok" i figure. "Time to dive in the deep". I go to a psychiatrist. I tell him my symptoms. I tell him im a bit under the weather, which is understandable being unable to leave my house and in constant discomfort. "The body symptoms are psychosomatic which means you are SEVERELY depressed. Here are these 2 HEAVY antidepressants. Take one in the morning the other in the evening. "
I try. I fail. Too many side effects. Queue arguments with the wife because i refuse treatment.
I try with a different psychiatrist. Same diagnosis. Another treatment. Same result. Cant keep at it.
More arguments with the wife. Now she is properly mad and wants to leave me because im constantly mad and in a bad mood. This has been going on for 2 years. I dont leave the house. Im 32. Everyone is telling me im insane. Sad.
I start reading up the internet for rare diseases. I basically turn myself into a mini Gastroenterologist. I read everything concerning IBS.
I do every test i can think of. Microbiome. Full blood panel. Histamine. Zonulin.
Lo and behold - histamine twice the range (while im on Ketotifen again). Zonulin 25x.
I figure it must be a food allergy and the histamine is causing all the problems. Im now a fucking internet doctor. But i know its bad to self diagnose and self treat. So i go to an allergologist. I tell him my stomach troubles and that i think its food allergies. He is unimpressed. "Go to a GI doctor he says. There are plenty of tests that can be done. Check enzymes, check for parasites, check for more stuff".
By now i have figured out the UK doctor has basically scammed me and is just milking me for money every month. He refuses another call. He refuses to rethink the diagnosys. He insists that its correct.
Ok. I start an elimination diet because i'm now a doctor. I suspect allergies. I suspect the Ketotifen fixed me the first time. Meanwhile i queue an appointment with doctor #17.
I go to the new doctor. By that time EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY SYMPTOMS IS GONE. I tell her my test results. I tell her i seem to be able to control the condition 100% by food. "You have enterities" she says. "But whats causing it?" i ask.
"I dont know. Here's some enterol and an anti-diarrhea med".
OK. Diet continues. Now enterol added. anti-diarrhea? Why? Whatever. Not taking it. I don't have it anymore.
Im now at the point where i can eat quite a selection of items. I sit down and think. What have i eaten basically every day of my life for the past 10 years? Pork. Its pork.
I eat some pork day 1.
Day 2 is a little bad. Eat some more.
Day 3 is quite bad. Eat some more. It might be a fluke.
Day 4 is back to all the symptoms. I schedule an appointment with doctor #17. I go. This is today.
I tell her my findings. I ask if it sounds correct. She says yes. It sounds like an allergy. But. But.
Why are you coming to me? Im a GI. Go to an allergologist. "But he sent me to you.". Crickets.
She proceeded to scold me for 20 fucking minutes for self diagnosing and asking treatment questions.
Sister. 17 of you failed. I killed my career, cut ties with my family, Lost 100k+ in salaries. Lost untold amounts in options packages that i now woun't get because i'm no longer a manager. I no longer have friends. I almost separated with my wife. I could have retired at 40. I lost 2 years of my life. All of that because of your lot's wrong diagnoses.
And i get scolded for 20 minutes. For self diagnosing. CORRECTLY. Fuck this country and its healthcare man.
Anyways, PSA - If you have IBS-D, frequent urination and some rosacea go check your histamine in stool. And don't forget to always discuss with your healthcare professional. Unless you live in Bulgaria. Fuck this country.

Basic info: I work at a warehouse in a "protected state" (according to the EEOC website) and found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. Went to the doctor and got a note with restrictions and an accomodation. Not allowed to lift over 20 pounds, no overtime, chair provided to work from seated position. Received these because of family medical history.
When I first found out I knew I was going to have limitations due to family medical history. I told my employer the day I found out. A week later I was placed in a position with more physical duties and heavier lifting for the day. I told my boss I did not feel comfortable doing heavy work while pregnant due to medical history and explained a little further. I was told I needed a doctors note to confirm before they could do anything and to just "take it easy". The rest of the week i was incredibly exhausted and my body hurt from head to toe. Anyone who's been pregnant before knows it takes a while to get that first doctors appointment so i had a few weeks left until i could get a note.
I finally had my appointment yesterday and my doctor gave me a note for accomodations. I requested for a chair to sit when im having cramps or when im starting to feel light headed. When I returned to work with my note they told me that I had to clock out and leave because I cannot work until I get a "Fitted for duty" form filled out by my doctor and my accomodations go to their "board" and they can see if they can do it or not. No other pregnant woman in the building has had this happen to them. I know that they denied a chair before or made it difficult to get their accommodations but they put me on unpaid leave until i get that paper filled out, despite my doctors note. They have plenty of other jobs in the warehouse as well like returns, where no boxes are heavier than 15 pounds, and VAS which is just rebagging and security tagging, etc. Plenty of work I can do but they sent me home and told me I cant come back without being approved by their board. They then told me that if I am not approved I would have to go on short term disability, use up all of my fmla and then once thats exhausted I "wont have a job". I have been reading up on the pregnancy fairness act so I know my rights and in all honesty it sounds pretty illegal what they have been putting me though. now I have to struggle to get money to pay rent and afford food while they keep me on unpaid leave. Could anyone help me figure out what I should do or if I should file a charge with the EEOC? Also, if I were to file a charge with them does anyone know what will happen and if I could get compensated for the time they forced me to leave and possibly emotional distress? thank you!!

Basic info: I work at a warehouse in "protected state" (according to the EEOC website) and found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. Went to the doctor and got a note with restrictions and an accomodation. Not allowed to lift over 20 pounds, no overtime, chair provided to work from seated position. Received these because of family medical history.
When I first found out I knew I was going to have limitations due to family medical history. I told my employer the day I found out. A week later I was placed in a position with more physical duties and heavier lifting for the day. I told my boss I did not feel comfortable doing heavy work while pregnant due to medical history and explained a little further. I was told I needed a doctors note to confirm before they could do anything and to just "take it easy". The rest of the week i was incredibly exhausted and my body hurt from head to toe. Anyone who's been pregnant before knows it takes a while to get that first doctors appointment so i had a few weeks left until i could get a note.
I finally had my appointment yesterday and my doctor gave me a note for accomodations. I requested for a chair to sit when im having cramps or when im starting to feel light headed. When I returned to work with my note they told me that I had to clock out and leave because I cannot work until I get a "Fitted for duty" form filled out by my doctor and my accomodations go to their "board" and they can see if they can do it or not. No other pregnant woman in the building has had this happen to them. I know that they denied a chair before or made it difficult to get their accommodations but they put me on unpaid leave until i get that paper filled out, despite my doctors note. They have plenty of other jobs in the warehouse as well like returns, where no boxes are heavier than 15 pounds, and VAS which is just rebagging and security tagging, etc. Plenty of work I can do but they sent me home and told me I cant come back without being approved by their board. They then told me that if I am not approved I would have to go on short term disability, use up all of my fmla and then once thats exhausted I "wont have a job". I have been reading up on the pregnancy fairness act so I know my rights and in all honesty it sounds pretty illegal what they have been putting me though. now I have to struggle to get money to pay rent and afford food while they keep me on unpaid leave. Could anyone help me figure out what I should do or if I should file a charge with the EEOC? Also, if I were to file a charge with them does anyone know what will happen and if I could get compensated for the time they forced me to leave and possibly emotional distress? thank you!!

Mid 30s, Just crossed 7 figures of investments, split 50/50 in retirement (401k/roth) and brokerages. plenty of cash on hand. HHI is about 375k
Currently save ~$100k/year - about 70k goes to 401k/roth and 30k to brokerage
Spouse's employer just provided a retirement contribution option - up to $23k pre or post tax contribution (or any combination of both)...but no employer match for pre-tax.
Question: I think it makes sense for us to contribute this 23k to a tax advantaged retirement account (better than 30k posttax i currently put in VTI in my brokerage - dont plan to need this $$ till retirement). How should I evaluate if I should contribute 23k pre tax or post tax? My employer has a match for all pretax 401k contributions so it's straightforward to prioritize pretax contributions.
Pretax pros/cons: Lower our AGI today - less taxes now, pay taxes later
Posttax pros/cons: higher AGI (this 23k would be taxed either 24 or 32%), but no taxes later.
I've done alot of self learning on the 'order of investments' but i'm struggling to figure out how to rank pre/post tax tax-advantaged retirement accounts. Seems like with some reasonable assumptions i can turn this into a simple equation but not sure how to do that.

Her affair actually ended. She had lied to me and told me it had ended months earlier. She wanted to apologize. The divorce is in the works. Court date at the end of the month.
I wasn’t sure about meeting with her. Every time we met/talked it absolutely ruined my week. I reluctantly agreed.
She informed me that she has come out of a fog and she realizes how poorly she had treated me. She said that she is worried that she may have ruined any chance at an amicable relationship for our son.
I started to get upset and she couldn’t deal with it. She got up and left. Nothing has changed. I have never been given the grace to express my negative emotions. I have always had to walk on eggshells.
I sat reflecting on the experience and I thought I don’t need to be giving of myself to someone who keeps hurting me.
Throughout this whole order Al, I have never raised my voice, if I wasn’t crying, I have remained cool and calm around her.
I got so angry that she came to apologize and didn’t give me to opportunity to be mad at her. This is upsetting. Being mad is what a normal person would be in this situation.
I sent her this message (this is the first message I have ever sent her about our relationship)
“Here is everything I wanted to say to you tonight.
Damn you for blowing up our family and Meng’s family. Things weren’t easy, but they were objectively better than a year prior. We were in a hard season of our marriage. Just look back at all the fucking major life stressors. Baby, moving, new jobs…1,2,3 of the hardest things for couples to whether. You threw it all away so you could have butterflies and tingles. Then you went back and Cherry-picked all the bad shit and rolled it up into a beautiful affair justification. I believe that you were struggling before you cheated, but even your stories aren’t consistent. You didn’t want to end our marriage until you fucked John.
I wasn’t “happy” either Keri. You hadn’t approached me for intimacy either. I longed for it, but it felt gross being the only one to make advances. Every time I tried to bring it up, you would clam up and shut down, so I didn’t want to upset you and somehow make it worse. I maybe brought up our sex life 4 or 5 times over the course of our marriage and you shut down that conversation every time. It was better for me to live a life without the expectation of sex and maintain a loving relationship with my partner rather than risk upsetting you with another attempt at “the talk”.
I never wanted a sexless marriage, but I was willing to compromise. Yes, marriage is about compromise. I tried to make connection with you, I did everything we talked about in therapy. I called you during the day, I rubbed your feet on the couch, I came to bed with you most nights to talk hoping you would give me a signal that you wanted to be intimate. I’m glad you were able to find someone you wanted to have sex with.
I couldn’t get openly upset at anything (especially you) and tell you how I felt because you shut down and withdraw. You do it to you mom. You do it to your dad. I know because I talked to them more often than you did. You did it tonight! As soon as it became uncomfortable, you just left. Everyone who loves you has to walk on fucking egg-shells or else Keri is going to walk away.
I wasn’t perfectly happy either and I had nurses throwing themselves at me since we set foot in a hospital. I managed not to fuck anyone else. I SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN EVERY TIME. let me know if you want specific examples. I could even give you names.
You say you were miserable like that is some kind of excuse. If you were so miserable then you should have just ended the marriage and not fucked John and caused me the most incomprehensible suffering and pain.
You also were unfaithful to Our son when you chose to do this. You robbed him of the chance to have an intact family for your crotch tingles.
You can tell yourself whatever story you need to live with yourself. Go ahead and tell yourself that this doesn’t count as an affair since you were already over the marriage. Make me out to be some awful person. I known you can’t be the villain in your own story apparently. You have written yourself into the hero or victim roll. I was there for all the gaslighting and blame shifting. I remember when you said “I don’t let you be your true self”. What the fuck is that. What a stretch. I never once discouraged you from doing anything you wanted or liked. I supported your every endeavor. I watched your child as you went off to conferences to fuck other men. I know that you 100% believe it. You’ve gaslighted yourself. You’ve reinvented and reshaped your reality and story to make it more palatable.
I am not a bad person, father, or husband, but I was quite broken. Predominantly due to emotional and physical abandonment in our marriage.
You seldom said “I love you” unless I said it first. You seldom expressed appreciation for the things I contributed. You did often suggest that it wasn’t enough, or that I was missing the mark. You broke me down. What I needed was for you to come to me and tell me you were concerned. Instead you were inpatient and irritated. When I was anxious or sad, you were irritated and wanted me to figure out my own shit. I was lonely as hell.
As I said, and seemingly so offensive to you, initially I had never felt as loved and as appreciated by another person before you. (I believe you said it made you feel “vapid”). In addition to your other amazing qualities at the time, your love and devotion was reassuring and made me feel safe and secure. It set you apart from every other person I had ever met. I remember thinking that I had never really known what true love was until I met you. I genuinely felt like I had found my missing piece, my other half.
When that went away, I started to get sick. I mistakenly related my self-worth to what you thought of me. When you stopped appreciating me, I plummeted. Once our son was born, it seemed like I couldn’t do anything right by you. That is a hard place to exist in.
I made WILLING sacrifices for our family, but they were sacrifices nonetheless. You have to appreciate, my life is absolutely not where I wanted it so that you could have what you wanted. Fuck! I am such a fucking chump. I didn’t put up a fight at all. I wanted California, you said no. I wanted Oregon, you said no. I wanted to stay in Philidelphia, you said no. You wanted West Virginia and I said Ok. I never put up a fight because you would most assuredly shut down.
I am a good man. I have good morals. I am committed. I have my faults and struggles and I’m not perfect, but I’m a hell of a father and I loved you. You said it yourself that you would never have to worry about me cheating on you.
I think you feel guilt. You expressed that tonight, but I don’t think you feel remorse. You weren’t asking for forgiveness. I’m fact, you preemptively said that you didn’t expect it!
I am so unbelievably sad, angry, and betrayed. I would have been willing to work through anything (even the fucking infidelity!) to preserve our family. You’re naive if you think you can hurt someone this bad and then get the relationship you want and on your terms.
You also destroyed all the good memories I had of us. I can’t look back on our marriage without seeing through the lens of suspicion. I don’t even know what was real. I know what I felt was real and that’s about it.
You probably have already stopped reading this and I’m 100% sure you’re not brave enough to respond. I have held back for nearly 6 months and I can’t anymore. What you did was fucking terrible. It is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I never knew this depth of sorrow was possible. Washing someone’s dishes while they planned their next conference-fuck-fest via text standing 6ft away from me. Crying because my entire world was falling apart and seeing the look of irritation on your face as you walk silently by. Barely holding on to existence and having to psych myself up because you had invited friends over for dinner and when I said I couldn’t do it, you said “do whatever you want”. You fucking hated me for reasons you invented. You were working as hard as you could to villainize me to live with yourself. The absolute contempt and complete loss of respect you had to have for me. Do yourself a favor and pick up a book on infidelity. Everything you did was ON SCRIPT! You’ll learn a lot about yourself. It takes a special broken person to cheat.
I’m climbing out to the other side of this one rung at a time. Your going to see a complete different person that isn’t going to be walked all over and taken advantage of. I will not be a doormat. I will speak my mind. I will not be afraid to stand up for the things that I want and need to be happy and healthy.
You are losing a really good man. Maybe you’ll never realize that. Maybe you don’t give a fuck. Maybe it’s not even a loss to you. I am the fucking prize here Keri. I am a smart, charming, motivated, good looking, and now fit/healthy surgeon who is an excellent father and wants more kids. I am the fucking prize. You don’t see that for some reason.
I’m around if you want to talk.
Kind regards,
Me

I wanted to see if I could figure this out along with her I'm 33 minutes in, but I started back at the beginning of the puzzle to work my way through because I don't want to see the answer before I've tried to work my way through the problem. Here's my logic.
23:00 So knowing that it's a maze gives me some interesting parallels. The first thing that comes to mind are neurons, especially since We know she worked in neuroscience. With that new context it reconceptualizes the movement path of the library. it's a neuro-pathway.
Every action, every thought (I actually fell asleep, so this is where I'm picking back up. I'm not sure if the answer to why she's there is revealed by the end of the episode, but I haven't finished it yet.) is the result of neurons firing in a specific order. Much like how they have to find the clues in a specific order. Just like how to get out of a maze, you have to make decisions in a certain order. (David Ajala has me cracking up! also I just realized their necklace is an open book.)
28:35 Could it be literal. Even the Bookkeeper (which btw I LOVE! If academy every comes to the library. I hope they bring her back!) made comment about how funny it was that a book was coming to her. I remember all the way back in E3, I made the connection that Adira was a stand in for "'they' told me that XYZ happens in the episode." The time bug was a literal menace to society (society being Little Miss Muffet. She wasn't born in the far, post scarcity, future. I'm not sure what the going rate for curds and whey these days is, but with inflation. It can't be cheap. She's out here eating cheese floating in leftover milk water. She ain't got no job. Food stamps didn't exist then, and along comes this spider who just sits down beside her and frightened miss muffet away. Like it has a way to replace her spilled cheese in milk water lunch. It may be a spider, but it aint no Charlotte.).
"Book" states over and over the the library represents her mindscape. Well, if the library is her mind, what is it full of? Books! But book is also there working as her guide. Helping her navigate the maze and figure everything out. What she wants is children with Book. I'm assuming the lights shutting down represents the fact that she is missing the window of opportunity to have children with Book. A literal biological clock.
29:04 Those are her eggs. (freeze this point so we can come back to it when we decide the time is right)
29:10 Making it back to the room is the test, but "finishing" is the goal. Get it.. Finishing.. 😂😂😂
29:33 A farmer's bucket using white sand... like FERTILizer! The time is right to unfreeze that point about her eggs. People who can bear children are born with a finite number of eggs. This is a finite number of rooms. Whereas people who can fertilize eggs can make fertilizer all their life. Which is why once she dumped so much sand out. It gave me anxiety. I was like "girl you ain't gone have enough". Then I realized is was cum. Books a healthy guy. He can make more. To quote Jack Crusher. She's looking for them space babies.
31:10 In a series known for having some of the most the most beautiful cinematography in science fiction. This moving shot left me speechless.

Ciao Gang

It’s been a few weeks – IM Texas is done and dusted. As one would expect, I’m fully recovered. Not quite, but ouais yeah here goes my race recap
Swim – 1:22:05
T1 – 00:08:29
Bike – 6:51:34
T2 – 00:08:29 (exact same lol)
Run – 6:22:40
~Background Info~
Very sporty and athletic 26 year old who weighs give or take 185 lbs on any given day. Have run two 70.3’s with generally good and comfortable results. Have ran like a dozen marathons and all-around active person. Fitness is “in” right now so I keep busy ya hear
Socially… I stopped drinking two months before the race (varied 5-30 drinks a week before though…). Never changed my diet at all leading up to the race
~Prep~
This area can get a little complicated – I was scheduled to run IM Texas in 2023, but my so called best friend decided to snap my leg (compound fracture of my tibia and fibula) (very wicked) in half while playing soccer 3 months before race day. So after surgery, one month without standing really, one month using crutches, one month using a cane, endless $$$ spent at physical therapy medical bills etc. I find myself in July of 2023 more or less ready to start training again for IM 2024. I sign up (this time with early benefits so I don’t lose all my money again if I have to cancel, thanks Ironman).

I bought a training plan from MyProCoach. 24 Week Intermediate plan to be exact. Between that plan, help from reddit, Instagram influencers, and my self-proclaimed expert father – I morphed a plan that more or less would hopefully (ambitious I know) get me across the finish line in one piece.
~Training~
My new concoction of a training plan generally consisted of two swims a week (Monday and Thursday), one track workout (usually Tuesdays), one hard bike effort on the trainer (usually Wednesday), fun day Friday (no workout unless I was making up for one I missed), long bike ride (Saturdays), and one long run (Sundays) a week. I would generally build up for three weeks then take a “rest” week with 3 to 4 light workouts just to stay loose-ish. I’d up the tempos, intervals, effort, distances etc. every time I got to a new 3 week build phase.
This is more or less what I stuck to for 6 months. I coach high school lacrosse and still play a decent amount of soccer so there was some tweaking here and there to still accompany those. But this was the plan and I can safely say that I did ~80%~ of my planned workouts. The other 20% fell to the wayside as I was still trying to be a socially active fun 26 yr old guy who likes to drink with his friends (loves to drink with his friends)

~Week of the race~
I live in Houston, TX where the race is (really it’s in the woodlands but who cares), so there was no extensive travel for me or anything like that.

I got in some small runs, light bike rides, and swam twice the week of the race. Logistically, I think IM Texas is setup very well. I knew the course very well as a lifelong Houstonian so there was no prep necessary for that. Check-in was easy. Transitions are a bit different at IM Texas than my other tri’s, so that was a small learning curve. But again, nothing to be intimidated by or worry about.

~Race Day~
Managed to go to sleep by 10 pm the night before, so waking up at 4:30am wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever done. Woke up, ate a breakfast sandwich, slammed some coffee, and began hydrating. Got transition about 5:30ish, had my dad and a friend drop me off so didn’t have to walk at all. Got in there, setup bike computer, bottles, etc. I managed to get a BM (dump) out here, which was huge. Things were looking up. Grabbed my wetsuit and then got dropped off at swim start, again no walking which was awesome.
Got to swim start and started getting pretty nervous (all the leg injury shit and 18 months of training were all for this). Water temperature was 75.5 degrees, so wetsuit legal. Luckily had my family and a friend to keep my calm and get my wetsuit on. The gun goes for the pros so I hop in the queue with the other swimmers seeded around the 1:20 to 1:30 mark.

~Swim~
I hop in the water and immediately start worrying that it’s going to get toasty in this wetsuit. In this swim, the buoys are on your left side. I immediately pop out to the right some to get out of all the rough water and kicking feet. There is a park adjacent to the swim start for about 300 meters and I actually see my family walking along the edge of the water as I get out into the lake (mentally huge for me to see them and take my mind off of things while I get in the groove of it all). For about 20 minutes everything is fine, I’m feeling okay, wasn’t overheating in the wetsuit, didn’t let my heart rate get too high (it has in all my other tri swims), and I was sighting well without having to pick my head up too much. At this point the lifeguards/kayak/paddleboard people were pinching us a little too hard. I get they are there for safety and to keep people on course, but I felt like they were funneling us into a tight swim pack for no reason. I totally understand that the swim is dangerous and people can die if help doesn’t get there quick enough, but I felt it was putting a little too much stress on the swimmers. I like to swim away from the pack so maybe this was just me. At the halfway point of the swim, you get funneled through this floating arch (I think it’s for timing purposes?). Whatever the reason for it, it bottlenecked all of us. We were swimming probably 10 people wide through a 7-yard-wide arch. Had to protect your head on that for sure to keep from getting kicked. While I thought it was stupid, it did have a great little benefit. The way we were funneled through created a nice little current and I ended up riding that wave for maybe 75 meters or so. Stupid feature but nice little boost. At this point I’m feeling great. I haven’t been kicked yet, the lungs feel good, I’m not overheating and I have the space to swim in. IM Texas is unique because at 80% of the way through the swim, you start swimming through a canal that people can actually cheer for you and walk with you as you go. I had told my family I’d be on the left side of the canal and as soon as I get into it I pop my head out and see my family, friends, and smoking hot girlfriend cheering me on (again this was mentally huge). I start rocking through the canal which is maybe 25 yards wide and felt like I had a current helping me the whole way through. As I’m swimming, mu friends/family are walking right there with me. It’s such a unique way for people to cheer you on that I got out of the water in a great mood with a smile on my face. I seeded myself perfectly as I got out at 1:22:05.
~Bike~
Going into the bike, IM Texas is known for having absolutely brutal headwinds heading south towards downtown Houston. And with close to 90 miles of the course being on a closed toll road. There is nothing to protect you from a wicked 45 miles of Texas headwind.
But before you get to the toll road, there is a little bit of a “circuit” you go through. So, I hop on the bike and get going. Immediately the course feels a little congested so I try to stay off the bars and ride defensively. Sure enough 8 miles in, big crash ahead as a volunteer golf cart cut off a rider and he crashed hard (thoughts and prayers with the rider). And that right there was the story of the day. HUGE crashes and HEAVY headwinds. I witnessed 6 crashes throughout the ride. Between riders coming through the water stations too fast, cones blowing out on the course, pelotons forming to avoid the wind, inattentive riding (we’re all tired I can understand this), it was a hard day on the course. Thoughts and prayers specifically for the one crash I saw where the organizers made us dismount and walk past. Not sure the context of the crash, but the rider was in a really bad situation. I think I averaged 8 mph heading south into the wind and 28 mph with the tailwind. Haven’t checked my bike data as I still have a bit of PTSD. Between the chaos of everything (I heard rumors a tesla was in self-drive mode on the course and caused a crash…?), I managed to make it to the end about 20 minutes over my 6:30:00 goal. I got off the bike to a boisterous cheer from a phenomenal group of friends and family and walked into transition.
~Run~
Going into the run I wanted to be around 5:30:00. I knew this might be ambitious for me because I didn’t really have that many brick sessions in my training plan. But, I’ve run a few marathons straight off the couch in my day. So, if anything, I know how to suffer through a long slow marathon. Honestly, I don’t have much to say about the first ten miles. My legs felt fine coming off the bike, I was comfortable at a 11:00 min/mile pace , felt good hydrating and getting some food down. Right after mile 10, started feeling some small knots in my stomach. Mile by mile, those knots started to get worse and worse. Every time I got to an aid station, I was able to delay the inevitable by getting down a banana, then potato chips at the next one, then it was chicken broth. By the time my family and friends saw me at the end of the second lap, I was in a bad spot. Was walking three minutes and running one (something like that). The stomach eventually morphed into full body discomfort. The HR kept getting sky high after minimal effort. I knew I was in for a tough last 8 miles. That last 8 miles took maybe 3 hours? I’m not sure, it’s all a blur. The pain finally culminated at mile 25.5, where the wrath of god came down on me and I vomited for 10 maybe 15 minutes, who knows. But at this point I knew I could literally crawl to the finish. I picked my head up and saw my buddy’s girlfriend walking toward me, I figured they had sent her to come find me as the gap between my last time split was getting astronomical. I picked my ass up off the ground and full body cramp runned to the finish line. Will never forget the feeling of having so many friends and family cheering me on to help me get over that line. The only bummer at the finish is I paid all that money for someone to tell me an Ironman on a microphone and I didn’t even hear it. Anyways – life goal accomplished. I’ll see ya at the next one.
P.S. I'm an open book, shoot me any questions you have on my training, advice, hate, love, whatever you want to say

This subreddit needs an official questionnaire and I think this one is easy enough to answer. I don't expect to become sure of my type because of internet strangers, but I do like answering questions about myself.
My Enneagram type is either 6w5 or 9w8, 469, sp/so. I have autism. (I think an official questionnaire should ask for this information. Autism can influence E (empathy), F (sensory issues), V (executive dysfunction) and L (special interests). A high self-preservation instinct can look like F (routines, health), sexual and social can look like F too (wanting to look attractive or socially acceptable (or maybe like you belong to a subculture). A low sexual or social instinct could look like lower E.)
L (logic)

• How much time and energy do you spend researching or studying? Do you like researching and studying, and why?

I enjoy studying, but every time I decide I should do it more I make a plan of everything I want to study and then it starts feeling very heavy. I want to only study fun topics like typology, psychology, philosophy and languages. I do it for fun and because I feel inferior when I have less knowledge than other people.

• How many of your own opinions do you form? How often do you do actual thinking on your own, more than just finding an existing answer?

I have some core beliefs that help me form opinions on different topics (for example the theory of evolution, which can be applied to most topics). I sometimes form an opinion based on what makes sense for me instead of what is factual. If I don't understand something I can be skeptical, if something I don't believe in (for example astrology) got scientifically proven I would feel very uncomfortable and question the results.

• How often do you talk about concepts or facts? Why exactly do you talk about it, and what do you like talking about most?

I like telling people about personality systems. I think teaching people and typing them makes me feel useful, and I need to type people irl if I want to understand the systems. I sometimes talk about philosophy, but that usually doesn't go anywhere because my beliefs are too unromantic for other people and they often judge me for being a nihilist or an egoist. I also like learning and teaching languages, maybe too much. I think some people feel pressured by me trying to teach them.

• Do you struggle with thinking about things by yourself? Does this bother you, and how much? How well do you handle criticism from others when it comes to your logical concepts or factual knowledge?

I often struggle with understanding scientific topics. It does bother me a lot, I am afraid of my future children asking me to explain physics to them. I avoid criticism like the plague, I don't want to express anything that could be false so I often either don't express myself or triple check everything. I easily doubt my own opinion, especially if the topic is a complex one like typology. Philosophy is much simpler, you just state your opinion and then the other persons states theirs and then you both think that the other person is stupid, but this is easy for me to say since my opinion is always the simplest one and therefore correct. ("What is the moral choice her?" "Morality isn't real." "Was this a selfish action?" "All actions are selfish." "What is the meaning of life?" "There is no meaning." "Is god real?" "We don't have any proof that god exists.")

• Did you enjoy answering the above questions? Would you say this is a major part of who you are or your identity? Was it boring? Is it a difficult topic?

Yeah, it was fun. It is a major part of me, but I know that if I had been born into the stone ages it wouldn't be.
E (emotion)

• Do you consider yourself a creative person? What do you do that's creative?

Not really, I sometimes have creative ideas but I rarely do anything with them.

• How do you feel about expressing your own emotions? Are emotions part of your decision-making at all? How much of a role do they play in your decisions?

I am fine with expressing emotions like anger or fun, but I don't want to express deeper or less strong feelings like love. I rarely love people, and I can't express something I don't feel.
Of course they are part of my decision making process, they are for every human. If you choose a path because it feels the most secure you are making a decision based on anxiety, or on wanting to feel more comfort than anxiety in the future. I sometimes base my decisions on excitement. I don't want to have a boring job.

• How much effort do you put into creating a positive emotional influence on other people? Do you try to do this at all? Do you like exploring the emotions or creativity of others?

I try my best to not create a negative one, and I try to make people feel better about themselves when they are insecure about something. I am not very interested in talking about the feelings of my friends, but I do play therapist sometimes because of my interest in psychology. I am interested in creativity in general, I enjoy listening to music and making and sharing playlists, but I am usually not deeply interested in my friends.

• Do you feel uncomfortable with the idea of sharing your emotions? Do you struggle with knowing exactly how to connect with others on a deeper and more emotional level? Do you struggle with knowing how to go about dealing with and handling your emotions?

Yes, it makes me feel either vulnerable (if I have strong emotions) or inhuman (if I don't have enough). Yes, I don't do it much. The thought makes me uncomfortable. Yes, but ONLY because I'm very sensitive and quickly cry, which can be very inconvenient and I don't know how to stop it.

• Did you enjoy answering the above questions? Would you say this is a major part of who you are or your identity? Was it boring? Is it a difficult topic?

Yes. Not really, but I have been thinking about morality more so maybe in the future, although that might be more of a Volition topic.
F (physics / foundation)

• How much time and energy do you put into your physical health? Do you try new healthcare or self-care products often? How often, and what kinds of products do you like trying?

Sleeping and not being hungry are important to me, but apart from that I don't do much. I don't care about what I eat or where I sleep as long as it's enough. I don't often try new products, if I do it's either because I noticed a problem (which can take a long time) or because my mother (3F) noticed one.

• How much do you care about your physical appearance, including fashion choices, or decorating the physical environment for comfort? Do you like exploring the physical environment (food, nature, architecture, etc), or doing physical activity?

I think I used to care about it for a while, but then I either forgot about it or decided that it is a waste of money and time. I still have preferences, I just try to not spend too much energy on them. I enjoy nature and some sports, but I sometimes forget about them for a while. I sadly don't get much pleasure from eating or looking at things.

• Do you like talking about your personal tastes often? How often do you explore the personal tastes of others? What about your own health or the health of others? Do you like creating or exploring comfortable environments with others?

Yes, but the tastes I talk about are my taste in music or movies. I don't like hearing about other people's tastes as much because I feel like I then have to spend time listening to their favorite artists, and then I have to form an opinion on it... and I don't like most artists.
Idk about the other questions.

• Do you stress about what people will think regarding your personal tastes? Do you prefer to follow fashion trends in worry that people may judge your own style? Do you worry about being sick or in poor physical health often? Are you able to take criticism about your health, aesthetic choices, personal tastes, or physical appearance?

No. No. Sometimes I think that I'm sick, but it doesn't make me panic. Not sure, I think I sometimes ignore it and sometimes follow it, it probably depends on how much effort changing it would take. My mother is 3F and I think her criticisms are annoying, she wants me to change my knife holding habits and stop eating old cooked rice (I hate wasting food). But I can critique other people, for example for not being clean or practical enough.

• Did you enjoy answering the above questions? Would you say this is a major part of who you are or your identity? Was it boring? Is it a difficult topic?

Not really, it wasn't difficult, just a bit boring. It's not important to me, except my fashion choices since they usually reflect my identity.
V (volition)

• Do you know how to get what you want? How much effort do you put into figuring out how to get what you want? Do you just take action and get started, do you plan, do you research or try to get advice from others?

Yes, but only in the physical world, I can for example get people to watch my favorite movie.
I make detailed plans that are too ambitious for me to follow. I like having a detailed plan, it makes me feel like I can achieve my goals. If I'm panicking about a goal I make a detailed plan. But I usually don't follow the plan because I have low energy/ problems motivating myself. I take advice from others if they are more knowledgable than me and probably from my mother.

• How often do you feel motivated to work on your future? How often are you busy working on a goal for the future? Do you prefer routine, or often fall into routine? Is your routine making progress on a goal? What makes you change your routine? What makes you start working on a goal?

Sometimes I get the feeling that I need to get my life together and then I make a bunch of plans and lists, but I don't work on them enough. I procrastinate a lot. I'm bad at routines, I prefer making a to do list every day. I sometimes try establishing a routine to reach a goal, but then I forget to follow it or am unable to follow it exactly because I can't predict how long a task will take or because something gets in the way. I either start working on a goal when I'm motivated or when I'm panicking.

• Do you like guiding or helping people reach their goals? What kinds of goals do you prefer to help people with? Are you a leader, or do you prefer to work in groups where you're an equal? How and when do you take charge, if ever?

Yes, it makes me feel useful. I always try to make people feel like they can reach their goals, but I can also be critical, especially about job choices. I sometimes get the urge to make language study plans for people.
I prefer working in groups of people I know well, if I'm with strangers I'm too shy to speak up. I take charge in small groups of incompetent people, I can remind people of their responsibilities, but I don't want to make decisions on my own. I can also take charge when it comes to physical needs like food (but I will ask everyone their preferences).

• Do you overwork yourself? Do you worry that you might be lazy or that you aren't progressing quickly enough? Does it feel impossible to find the right method forward? Are you able to take criticism over your choices for working towards your goals? How do you respond to being challenged?

No, I am too easily stressed. I don't worry about being lazy, I know that it's true. I do feel a lot of shame and anxiety about my productivity, but I think anyone who is as lazy as me would.
I worry about missing something. Do I really want this future? Isn't there something better out there? I've changed my mind about my future in the past and wasted a lot of time that way, so now I want to make sure, but that's impossible. Finding the right method is important too. It does feel impossible but that's because it IS, noone can really know the future except maybe a super-super-computer.
I think I can take criticism, but I might cry or consider murder before accepting it, especially if it includes a character judgement (I've heard "You're too sensitive for this job. You should try [similar job] instead." Who do you think you are to give me advice? You don't know my reasons for choosing this job.). Except if the criticism is not valid, then I can ignore it.

• Did you enjoy answering the above questions? Would you say this is a major part of who you are or your identity? Was it boring? Is it a difficult topic?

More difficult than boring, it's difficult for me to separate Volition from the other aspects. I used to not have any goals, but now it is a part of my identity, but I know that my goals might change.

Thursday, May 16th, 2024 Non-Real-Time Meeting of OA
Welcome to this non-real time meeting of Overeaters Anonymous! I'm u/Icame2Believe I’m a compulsive eater and your leader for this meeting. Will those who wish, please join me in the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Overeaters Anonymous is a Fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength, and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology, or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors and to carry the message of recovery through the Twelve Steps of OA to those who still suffer.
Our Invitation to You
The Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous
Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional, and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve Step program.
The OA tools of recovery help us work the Steps and refrain from compulsive overeating. The nine tools are: a plan of eating, sponsorship, meetings, telephone, writing, literature, an action plan, anonymity, and service. For more information, read The Tools of Recovery OA page.
Sponsorship is one of our keys to success. Sponsors are OA members committed to abstinence and to living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of their ability. Sponsors share their program up to the level of their experience and strengthen their recovery through this service to others. To find a sponsor, look for someone who has what you want and ask how he or she is achieving it. Will all abstinent sponsors please identify themselves in their post?
According to our Seventh Tradition, we are self-supporting through our own contributions. Our group number is 99038. Please use the group number when making your contribution. As our virtual group currently has no expenses please consider donating directly through this link to the OA World Service Office, who provides resources for OA groups all around the world to carry the message to other compulsive overeaters.
Suggested guidelines for sharing: As you share your experience and strength in OA, please also share your hope. Please confine your sharing to your experience with the disease of compulsive eating, the solution offered by OA, and your own recovery from the disease, rather than just the events of the day or week. When responding to other member’s posts, please focus on your personal experience rather than advice giving. If you are having difficulties, share how you use the program to deal with them. If you need to talk more about your difficulties and seek solutions, we suggest you speak to your sponsor and other members after the meeting.
**This is a literature meeting. Today we are studying the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Page *67
"Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble."
Closing By following the Twelve Steps, attending meetings regularly, and using the OA Tools, we are changing our lives. You will find hope and encouragement in Overeaters Anonymous. To the newcomer, we suggest attending at least six different meetings to learn the many ways OA can help you. The opinions expressed here today are those of individual OA members and do not represent OA as a whole. Let us all reach out by private message to newcomers, returning members, and each other. Together we get better.

My husband loves me, and he loves Sadie. But mainly, he's tired. And so eventually Sadie got her rat. Honey lived happily in Sadie's room in his 3-tiered Rat Palace, and every day I would take time out from soothing the infant and wrestling with the 3-year-old to play with the rat, something the pet store warned I had to do if I wanted to socialize him. 

I am a 55 yr old woman with MDD, c-ptsd & dissociation
I have struggled for many years with keeping a job. My longest ever was 3 years.
In 2022 I had another breakdown, long covid and weaned myself off of effexor.
Now I'm realizing how much HRT is helping my mental health. I work 24+ hours a week. I get some help with my rent but don't qualify for food stamps.
It is a struggle to have enough for food. The pantries here only offer canned food which I can't eat due to other health issues.
So I'm slowly trying to determine when will I feel well enough to work full time? And how can I maintain that employment long term? I only need 9 years until retirement.
Any thoughts?

I'll go first. The Pihakis group. All the restaurants they own suck and they treat their employees like shit. They don't consider their employees human beings at all. Just a vessel for them to jerk money off out from. They manage to take amazing food and make it super mid and shitty. All while flexing their superiority complex on their staff and brainwashing management to think the same while they get fucked financially by them. Iykyk Kyle Biddy/co business partners- Little Betty They talk to their employees like dogs. Treat them like sub human babies. They don't give a fuck if their staff can pay their bills. All while they use a tip out system to make their stealing of their staffs wages undetectable. Go ask why they can't keep servers. How does everyone make $700 and leave with $150-200$ of it a night after 10-12 hrs a day working. Riddle us all that guys. These are the same people that own The Southern and that stupid shitty cantina in uptown. Both have bad food and worse ownership. Thieves and bad people Automatic Seafood/Adam Evans This cat seriously does not deserve his James Beard jerk off award. He's a huge c.u.next. Tuesday. To his entire staff and while only smiling at people with money. His food is mid. He is never going to be a great chef when your staff will never respect you because you're a fucking prick who only cares about winning awards and not actual people . Make good food and be a kind human. That will win you awards. Not making mid, unimaginative/boring, culturally appropriated, and massively overpriced seafood dishes and being a twat to everyone around you because your ego is so over inflated. Seriously. Get a grip
Galley and Garden. I mean. They get their staff to lie to guests about the freshness of their food. Which is all frozen. Even the chicken. It's frozen. All of it. And they have like 2 covers a night and staff for 100. Daniel George I can't say this enough. This dude is such a a prick. Who makes dog shit meat and three diner food at a high cost for elderly foodies. talks to his staff like absolute garbage whenever he feels like it.
The couple that owns vecchia. They hire immigrants and short them on pay. When they complain. They just fire them and get new ones. Changed everything to counter service bc they are too stupid and self absorbed to figure out how to run a floobar.
This city has a lot of growing up to do. And sadly it'll be staying the same and getting worse the more you give them your money instead of cooking at home or going to a smaller mom n pop spot.
All these people are united by their unwarranted pretention, insane greed, and total lack of respect for the people that put them where they are today. Which they should all be dethroned and called out 🔪🔪🔪🔪😉
Edit: also the one other thing they all have in common, is overstaffing their floor so their servers get 3 or four tables for 8-10 hr shift bc these people think they're gonna just hire a bunch of people with no experience/blended with industry veterans. And make a shit sandwich and expect us all to eat it while we deal with your pretentious overinflated egos. No. Not for your fucking Applebee's money bitch.
First one to drop Essential and tell me why gets a hand job behind a waffle house dumpster of your choosing.

I feel quite flat today. I feel okay and all, I just feel empty but not sad empty but empty as in I have nothing to give today.
I’m taking a step back in some areas with work. I came to the realisation today that my doing work I shouldn’t have to/is not my responsibility means that the issue of it not being done isn’t being exposed. I’ve communicated several times to my manager that what should be happening isn’t and nothing has changed, so I figure it I step back from it then she’ll see it not being done/she’ll hear about it from others. I like that I’m a team player blah blah blah, I always support and encourage my colleagues and take on more so they can focus on their goals and things and I just need to stop. I can still do it, and I know wi will regardless because I can’t not, but I need to be selfish. My manager herself said I needed to learn to be selfish - ironic isn’t it, given how much it a selfish self absorbed cow I am outside of work. Anyway I’m letting it pile up now. I’ve communicated plenty, I’ve offered solutions, I’ve even set up a bloody chat for the team taking over if they have any questions and I can help them. If they opt to not do their work then it shouldn’t fall on me, so therefore I’m stepping back.
I feel like I don’t have any real control over myself lately. Like I tell myself to do something and I don’t do it and I can’t seem to make myself do anything. I have zero discipline. I need to learn to have much stronger discipline. I’ve also had the worst cravings again lately, I guess I’ve shown some discipline in that but I’m still not eating properly - I need to be cooking proper meals, not instant rice and veggies and stuff. I feel like utter crap when I don’t eat properly, and that doesn’t mean eating junk food stuff it also means not eating an adequate amount of protein and things. I need to get myself together. I just haven’t had the drive to do anything lately.
I’ve been using my K18 mask each wash, as it says I should, I don’t condition and then I put it into my damp hair and maybe my hair feels healthier I guess but I hate how it air-dries. It’s so blahhh. Normally when I air dry it’s fairly silky in the morning, not silky silky as it would be when I properly style it or use a mask etc but it’s nice enough. Whereas now it’s all… idk. It feels a lot thicker lately, idk why as it won’t be, but I can’t fit it all into a claw clip anymore like I could before. I wonder if it’s more to do with my layers growing out? It’s also longer. So probably those two things. It’s still going through a shedding phase, the post stress kind of shedding I get. I hate it. I hate that my inability to control my emotions means I get such physical side effects. Anyway. I’m welllll overdue for a haircut, but I feel like I want to get it all to one length and then go, because I feel like she keeps f’ing up my length. So idk. It’s so ugly at the moment though, it’s due for a colour and desperately needs some shaping done. Maybe this time I will go to a new salon and then I always have my usual one to fall back on? Idk. I won’t get a cut for at least another month I don’t think. Maybe. I need it but I want it all one length so it can be properly restyled. So idk, I guess I’ll get bigger clips. My face framies need some TLC big time though. Oh well. What’s some bad hair when I’m so ugly anyway. Plus getting my hair done means I have to stare at myself in a mirror for 2 hours, I can barely even look at myself when putting makeup/skincare on.
I did a workout today and it was so bad. I truly have nothing to give today. I ended up just doing a super basic pilates routine which tbh was more stretching than anything. It felt nice though, so I’m glad I did it. So in short I did not do a workout today, and I shouldn’t have said that.
I wonder what it will be like to not hate myself? It feels like an unreachable goal but it’s my goal nonetheless. But I wonder what it’s like? It sounds so freeing. The way Andy says he doesn’t really think negatively about himself, that he doesn’t relentlessly beat himself up over things and idk, he said more but anyway. I know that won’t always be the case and he’ll sometimes feel completely different and negatively and things, which I detest the idea of, but on the whole he’s content with himself. The idea of that feels so foreign. I don’t know where it came from, I mean I do - a lifetime of collecting insecurities, fears and all of that. But I realise I haven’t had a life where I’ve been constantly rejected or had any issue getting attention from men (who were clearly daft and blind), I have parents who in theory seem to love me (out of obligation), I don’t have a difficult life and I have plenty of opportunities thrown at me etc etc. I I guess I have been treated badly by people close to me, people I’ve forced myself to trust and be open with, and I have always been sensitive and idk. So I guess I took on those situations and words and they stuck and then proceeded to fester. But I hated myself before then too… though I hated myself less before then I suppose. But I didn’t feel worthy of anything much back then and I didn’t like myself at all. I can’t actually remember a time where I felt accepting of myself, I don’t mean a time where I liked myself, I mean just a time where I felt content enough. I remember being in primary school and wishing on dandelions that I could be anyone else as long as I wasn’t me. I remember it, I think it was in my grandmas garden and idk. Anyway. I still make wishes on dandelions even now, though a lot more privately. But so I can’t remember a time I felt okay about myself, and over the years it’s just slowly but surely become a twisted, monstrous hatred for myself, where I fantasise about ripping my skin off and hacking away at myself and tell myself horrid nasty things throughout the day, every day. It sometimes feels lightened thanks to therapy, the hatred hasn’t really lessened but my ability to recognise the negativity has increased and so I don’t lean into the negativity as easily now, but I still do on a daily basis. I just don’t even know what it would be like to accept myself. I hope I get to that point some day, I really hope it’s soon. Even if it just means I’m in a state of delusion.
I wish downstairs wouldn’t slam their goddamn door all the time, it’s like they’re incapable of closing it normally. And then they thunder around so heavy footed - like how is it that the people DOWNSTAIRS makes UPSTAIRS shake with footsteps and things. Anyway it’s fine and not really an issue, but it annoys me sometimes. Like why do they walk so heavy!!! WALK LIGHTER.
I don’t want to journal anymore. Im going to read. He’s still asleep so I’m not really sure if we’ll spend time together or not tonight. Okay anyway bye

Here's my situation: 36yo, British citizen but spent much of my life overseas in various places. Returned to the UK in 2018 for the first time as a working adult. Subsequently, I only have 6 fully paid up years in my national insurance record and I'll need to contribute for another 29 years to receive the full state pension. That doesn't give me a lot of wiggle room, and means I would need to work every single year bar three up until state pension age to receive the full benefit, which I guess can't be guaranteed if you factor in possible unexpected illness, caring duties, moving overseas for a couple of years, etc..
I know I can buy previous missing years for around £824 each, but the deadline for that is fast approaching: from April 2025, the 13 'gap' years I have between 2006-2018 I will no longer have the option of buying.
I'm also looking to buy my first house with my partner early next year. All going to plan it would probably be just before the NI buy back deadline kicks in (and ideally before the stamp duty threshold reverts back up to the lower level...)
I'm trying to weigh up what the smartest thing to do long term/what would give the best return:

• Option1: Take ~£4000 and buy 5 missing years before I lose the option to, giving me more breathing room with the number of remaining years required to contribute (as wouldn't be constrained to working 29 of the next 32 years in the UK and would reach the 35 year NI threshold earlier). That £4000 would then be worth more in retirement than the intial 'investment', assuming I live at least 5 years past 68 which of course is not guaranteed. I also don't really believe that by the time I am of govt sanctioned "retirement age" somewhere around 2056, that the state pension will even exist, or exist in its current form. For my generation, it feels like it will be a fraction of what retirees today enjoy.
  
• Option2: Keep the £4000 in my house deposit fund. Higher deposit = better LTV = better interest rate and lower repayments. That £4000 larger deposit would save me about £7500 in total paid over the life of a 30yr loan by rough calculations and current interest rates. Also, on the ladder a bit sooner, mortgage free sooner maybe... Lower repayments mean more of my income available to invest in other things.
  
• Option3: Take the £4000 and add it to my SIPP, or some other long term S&S ISA, S&P500... let the market do the growing, hope to get 8% returns? That £4k could be £40k over 30 years.
  

Other relevant factors:

• Decent income £90kpa but self employed in semi-volatile industry (Partner has similar income but is salaried.)
• We're hoping to have a combined £85-95k deposit (exclusing fees etc) by beginning of next year, for a ~550k property. My portion of the deposit will be around £60k. I will have more to cover fees, plus an emergency savings fund.
• My current pension situation is not great for my age: £8k in a SIPP I just started 6mo ago, and about £20k in other pension pots in other countries I've lived in. I'm aggresively contributing to SIPP now and plan to continue.
• No health concerns
• No kids
• I love where I live now, but I've always enjoyed living in other countries and I can't imagine myself exlusively living/working in the UK for the next 30+ years. This is kind of the only thing that makes buying missing NI years make any sense to me - to 'buy' myself more opportunities outside of the UK during my working years.

Am I missing something really obvious? If I moved overseas for 5 years at some point in the next couple of decades, could I just voluntarily contribute NI each of those years to keep myself on track to reach the 35 year threshold? Is state pension kind of a waste of time and I'd be better investing my money/time into the sharemarket? Should I not worry about increasing my deposit by such a small amount cos inflation and property price increase eats the 'real' cost of the mortgage in the long run? Will the sun blow up before any of this is relevant and I should just enjoy my life?! Help!

Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

Warning: Mentions of violence, blood, and some self harm near the end.
While browsing some random conspiracy site, I found what is a supposedly leaked file from the Nevada County Sheriff's Department; however, nothing has been confirmed. According to the OP, it is believed the following is the personal account of a 21 year old Jonathan Ashford of Grass Valley, California. Normally I would write stuff like this off but this one is...different. I’ve done my best to correct most of the grammar and misspelling while at the same time trying to avoid skewing the original account.
-September 15, 2022
I’ve never really been an outdoor person. Well, I guess that’s because I’ve never really been outdoors much in the first place. And that’s because I guess…I've never been invited? I don’t really have any friends. So, needless to say, I was surprised to find myself on a backpacking trip with a group of 5 other students from my university. The plan was five days in Tahoe National Forest some place called Mystery Lake. Monday-Friday. I don’t know why they decided to do it during the week. Most of us had okay grades at best and part time jobs on the side so taking a week off of it all seemed at the very least a bit irresponsible; and yet, I went anyway. Listen, I didn’t plan it, okay? This was one of my only chances to get to know people. The hike wasn’t too long but my genius self who had only been backpacking once when I was around 9 years old or so decided to carry 60 pounds of bullshit up the mountain resulting in my shoulders being sore and raw for the foreseeable future.
-10:11 PM
To be honest, I don’t really know why they let me come with them. I only know one of them and the group has been ignoring me for pretty much the entire trip. I was always bringing up the back on the hike in and I set up my tent outside of the main camp behind some trees. I haven’t eaten any meals with them or talked to them or, now that I think about it, anything really. Regardless. The trip has been an experience. Hopefully things get more exciting tomorrow.
-September 16
I’ve only ever slept in a tent a couple times so the new environment and lack of sleeping pills resulted in quite a restless night. I woke up at about eleven; everyone else was gone. I remembered they were talking about a day hike on a trail headed north so assuming that’s where they went, I hurried to get dressed and grabbed some granola bars. I’m about to head out. I hope I find them.
-12:21 PM
I’d been briskly walking for around an hour and was feeling quite exhausted so when I heard the group’s voices off in the distance I was very relieved. I started to jog in their direction when–when this jolt or–wave of energy flooded my mind. My head instantly started throbbing and my vision went blurry. The best way I could describe it is–TV static? Like the old TVs that would go all staticky when the signal got bad. I could barely make out shapes and a space in the middle of my vision was especially dark to the point where I couldn’t see past it. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. God no, if only I was that lucky. I can still hear the shrieking. That goddamn shrieking. In an instant all I could hear was this sharp, scratchy shrieking. It pierced through my ears and rooted itself in my head. I think I cried out in pain but even if I did I couldn’t have heard it. It was as if the damned souls of hell all cried out in eternal pain all at once and begged for death. I gripped and pulled at my hair, hardly noticing the pain that resulted from it as I fell to my knees in agony before…
I slowly opened my eyes. My head hurt and there was a slight buzzing in my ears. I lay in a pile of ivy next to a fallen log, my back dampened from the cool soil beneath me. I stood up, the hill on which I previously stood was nowhere in sight. As I leaned my shoulder against a tree to steady myself I heard voices. Cautiously, I walked through the foliage as the low vines dragged along my ankles. As I walked, I looked up. The falling sun cast a soft orange glow across the sky. It was probably around five O’clock or so. I climbed up on a large rock only to realize I was near the main camp. I pin-pointed the voices of my fellow campers as they huddled around a low-burning campfire. As I sat down to listen to them speak I could sense a strong feeling of uneasiness resonating from the group. Then it hit me.
“Are you sure you haven’t seen her since earlier this afternoon?” One of them said, I think his name was Matthew? He was tall and lean, by far the tallest in the group.
“I’m sure! It just doesn’t make sense. One minute she was behind me going on about who knows what and then the next when I turn around she’s gone!” A girl with light brown hair said. I didn’t know her name. I could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes as the wind blew her hair into her face.
“We need to find her before it gets dark. Groups of two; stick together!” A shorter man with brown hair said. Ryan. He was the only one I knew. We weren’t friends. Definitely not. But he was nice enough to me in the classes we had together and I was grateful that I was able to go on the trip with him. As he walked past the boulder I sat beside, paying me no mind, I saw his lower lip quiver as his wide eyes looked straight ahead. He was more nervous than he led on. I zoned out for a few seconds, the static from earlier crawling its way into the corners of my vision when a chipmunk climbing a tree snapped me back to reality and I realized I had been left at camp. I looked around at the tall forest but the group was nowhere in sight. I assumed they wanted me to wait at camp in case the missing girl, Alice, came back, but as I moved toward the dying campfire the call of nature occupied my thoughts. I found a spade and a roll of toilet paper and strode briskly into the forest, the cool Autumn air rushing against my chapped lips as I walked. I reached over to scratch an itch on my arm when I saw it.
“The fuck?” I wondered out loud. There on my upper forearm was…a bite mark. I rattled my brain trying to think what could have made that kind of mark. As I examined it more I confirmed my suspicions. It seemed human. At least I think it was human. It’s not like there are any goddamn monkeys native to Middle of Nowhere, California. There was also a dark purple bruise on my lower forearm. Didn’t remember getting that either.
I looked around for a good spot. Stepping over a log, I set my foot down on something soft. It was Alice. Her right hand crushed and mangled and a dried trickle of blood at the corner of her mouth had pooled on a flattened leaf. I screamed, tripping and falling back in the direction I hoped was the camp. As I jumped over a rock I landed hard on my left ankle as a streak of pain shot up through my body. I was trying to get back up when I heard it. The screeching. It steadily yet quickly faded in until it flooded my hearing. My vision was clouded by that same static. I curled up into a ball, kicking at the air. My eyes watered and I felt the urge to vomit…
A wave of dizziness hit me as I opened my eyes and fell on my tailbone, pain shooting up my back. I lay down on my back and looked up at the trees, my nose bloody. It was still dark. Had I been standing? I tried to recall what I had been doing but all I remembered were faded images. One thing I didn’t forget was the screeching. All that I could remember was covered by that screeching and a faint veil of that static. Just thinking about it made my head throb.
A groan. I nearly jumped out of my skin as I turned to look in the sound’s direction. It was David. He looked injured, lying on the ground, but quickly crawled back in what looked like fear when he saw me.
“You bitch!” He muttered between gritted teeth. Before I could react he was up on his feet charging in my direction. I tried to doge him but the wind was quickly knocked out of me as he headbutted me in the stomach. I fell back onto the ground and between coughs I saw him running towards me. Before he could deliver a heavy stomp to my chest I caught his foot and kicked up into his groin. He stumbled back with a low yelp of pain and, taking my chance while he was stunned, I stood up as fast as I could and prepared to block another attack. He ran up to me and attempted to deliver a blow to my stomach with his right fist, leaving his upper body undefended; I used the opportunity to send a hard punch into the side of his neck. He fell back choking, tears in his eyes. As he tried to sit down he tripped on a root and hit his head on a nearby boulder with a sickening crack. He squirmed for a moment, then nothing.
Silence. There was a faint red stain on the side of the rock, and beneath his blood-stained hair, his head seemed unnervingly misshapen. The closer I looked, the more I saw. Bruised neck, flowing blood, even some pinkish bone exposed near the worst of the damage to his skull. The fall must’ve been worse than I thought. Why would he attack me? What was wrong with him? Had he mistaken me for someone else? I sat against the blood-stained boulder and leaned my head back. I’m exhausted. Everything hurts. My ankle is throbbing. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve slept and I don’t know what to do. I should probably go try to find the camp but…I’m too tired. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.
-September 18
I slept through the entire day and most of the night! Or, at least I think I did. The more I think about it I’m not so sure. It’s like 2:30 AM, glad my phone still works even if my brain doesn’t, just wish I had signal. I’m not sure what to do but I might try to go find
-4:29 AM
Something’s definitely out here with us. Or–me. Not sure how many of the others are left out here. I’m sure that shrieking is tied to something. I heard something off in the distance while writing and decided to go check it out. It was Matthew and that other girl. They were walking briskly and their eyes seemed to be darting around frantically. They were talking in hushed tones but from what I heard they found Alice's body, and they were worried. I was about to reveal myself to them when the shrieking came back. It hit me like a train, and sometimes I think a train would have hurt less. It felt like it lasted for hours, I bit a hole through my lip and fell off of the boulder I was sitting on. I couldn’t see anything except a dark patch of static in the middle of my vision surrounded by more static. All the cuts and bruises in my body seemed to amplify and I could barely breathe. I just wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t stop.
The two were dead when I came to. I wasn’t much better off myself. No matter how much I spit I can’t get the taste of blood out of my mouth. My arms are covered in cuts and bruises and my shoulder was dislocated. That was a fun half hour figuring out how to put it back in place. I think whatever is out here with us clouds your vision and makes it impossible to hear anything as a way to hunt you. I’m amazed it hasn’t killed me yet. I hope Ryan is still out there.
-6:06 AM
It’s been a long night. A really long night. I found Ryan but–but now I wish I hadn’t. It was around five AM I think, I had been aimlessly wandering through the forest looking for something, anything. By the most unlucky luck Ryan came stumbling around a tree. When he saw me his eyes went wide.
“Jon, what the hell?” Then he squinted his eyes and seemed to notice the wounds on my arm.
“Oh god,” he said. Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small knife, glaring at me during the process. Before I could reply, he charged me, knife in hand. I–I didn't want to kill him. I really didn’t. He tackled me to the ground, forcing the knife close to my chest. I desperately tried to push him away and being the stronger one, I knocked him off me. As he hurried to get back on top of me I sent my right leg flying into his arm, knocking the knife from his hand. Before he realized what was happening I grabbed the knife from the ground. In what seemed like a last desperate attempt he tried to force me down again but, already having the knife in my hand, I quickly slashed his chest and one of his wrists without thinking. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t mean to kill him! I was just defending myself. I don’t know why he attacked me, what’s gotten into him and David? Is that thing controlling them? They didn’t seem like they were under some kind of spell…I don’t think so at least.
After a soft cry of pain he collapsed and rolled down the steep hill we were standing on. I didn’t bother looking for his body. No point. Odds are that thing would use his body as a trap for me or something. I don’t know anymore.
Somehow I found my way back. I don’t remember how, all I remember is collapsing against a tree out of exhaustion but, here I am at the trailhead. I guess my half dead brain forgot most of it. I don’t know what I’ll do now, I don’t think I’ll tell the police. If they hear that some creepy ghost creature is hiding out in the forest killing my friends I’ll probably get locked up in who the fuck knows where for who the fuck knows what. But, no matter how many or how few believe me, I know something is out there. And I know it’s dangerous. I doubt the bodies will ever be found. That forest is huge and I buried Matthew and Elizabeth, found her name in a backpack she had on.
This will be my last entry. My name is Jonathan Ashford, and I survived something dangerous in the Tahoe national forest. Whatever you do, do not go there. Goodbye.
-September 22, 2022, 5:06 PM
Ryan survived. The police are after me. Apparently he told them I stalked them in the forest and picked them off when they weren’t together. I don’t know what’s happening. There are some gaps in my memory but I know that I didn’t kill those people. I only killed David, and that was self defense. I’m not sure what I’ll do. The police don’t know where I am but I’m sure that won’t last long.
-8:19 PM
I saw an interview with Ryan on the local news while browsing channels. He seemed–off. There were bags under his eyes and his skin was pale. He seemed nervous, shaky. I hope he’s ok. I still don’t understand why he thinks I killed them.
-September 23, 3:12 AM
ok ok. I have a theory. I’ve been up all night thinking and it makes so much sense now. That thing can shriek. Terrifying right? But explainable. The static I still can’t make sense of, there’s no feasible way it could naturally do that. What if whatever supernatural force causes the static can also control people? Maybe that’s why Ryan looks so crazy. It must be controlling him. But why would it want me? Am I immune to its effects? Maybe.
-6:04 AM
They didn’t notice it. It didn’t hit them. When I was spying on Matthew and Elizabeth, right before they were–anyways.
The shrieking hit my ears before the static hit my eyes and in those few seconds, they didn’t notice. It didn’t affect them. They didn’t hear the shrieking. Maybe the shrieking is that monster thing's abilities failing to control me. Maybe that's why ryan-whatever’s controlling Ryan wants me. It’s because I’m a threat to it. Because It can’t control me. When I woke up I was injured, but never killed like the others. Maybe it doesn’t have as much power over me as others.
But why would the authorities believe Ryan? There’s no way his story can add up. Even if that creature, that thing, is intelligent, it can’t be that smart to fake a story. Why are they after me?
-11:42 PM
The police came by today. I was about to update this log again when they started banging on my door. I was able to sneak out a window before they noticed me, glad I live on the ground floor.
Something seemed off about them. I can’t say what but, something, like the uncanny valley effect, where something looks human but isn't. Whatever. It’s probably just my imagination. I need sleep.
-September 24, 2:20 AM
Something is wrong–something is definitely wrong. How did they find me? Holy shit that was close! I was dozing by a couple of dumpsters behind a gas station. Figured it was safe enough since it was out of the way and partly blocked by a fence until I heard dogs barking. Not sure how many of them there are, at least two–maybe three, I can still hear them barking. I figured they were just strays that would hopefully leave me alone until I saw the lights. Damn things half-blinded me!
“Son, what are you doing back here? Can we walk to you?” one of the officers said, his face was clammy and pale, he seemed tired, he seemed–off. I didn’t respond or wait for them to try and get closer, I dashed past them before they could call their dogs on me and jumped the fence, running into the tree line. I managed to climb my way up a tree a ways into the woods before they could get around the fence and send their dogs out. They haven’t found me yet, but they’re still looking for me. I can see their flashlights periodically bathing the tree line in a pale glow. I think I’ll try to wait them out and then climb down and run for as long as I can. Not sure where I’ll go yet but they keep finding me so I’ll have to get creative. Not sure how they’re finding me so quickly and easily, but maybe I can come up with something. Is that–thing finding me? Does it always know where I am? Is it controlling the police? Maybe that's why they looked so…wrong. I don’t know. I’m starting to think I don’t know anything anymore. I keep noticing the static in the corner of my vision occasionally, not sure why.
-September 24, 5:03 PM
I fucked up. Big time. Last night, somehow, I fell asleep. I don’t know how, guess I was just too exhausted. The sound of a helicopter pierced through the top of the tree line. Before I could register everything, I slipped and fell down the tree. I was able to slow my fall a bit by dragging my hands along the tree–hurt like a bitch–but I still landed hard. Can barely sit down. I think I was able to avoid being detected by the helicopter. I’m going to start walking. Not sure where but, I need to go somewhere. The static is constantly in the corner of my vision whenever I focus on it now. Why is this happening?
-10:44 PM
This doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know what's happening anymore! I was wandering through the forest when the static came back. God, it was awful, forgot how bad it was. Hell, maybe it was worse this time. Who knows. This isn’t the weirdest, or worst, part. I woke up in my apartment, I’m exhausted, but don’t have any new visible injuries despite how shitty I feel. Not sure why that thing didn’t try to hurt me, maybe it gave up on trying.
The news was on when I woke up, God I’m so fucked. They found the bodies–the ones that I buried. Of course they found my DNA all over them, used their forensics or whatever to try to explain how I killed everyone. I’ll have to admit if it wasn’t all a setup by some evil entity out to get me it would be pretty convincing. Sometimes–I find myself believing it. I don’t know what to think at this point, nothing makes sense anymore. The static is far more noticeable now. My head is starting to hurt, too.
They haven’t come back to my apartment yet, probably don’t think I would return this soon after they searched the place. I know they’ll be here eventually but I’m too tired to care right now. My brother and his kids used to live a few hours out of town, I think he built a treehouse for his kids somewhere behind the house. Maybe I’ll go try and hide out there for as long as I can. As if that will be very long at all.
-September 26, 6:24 PM
Everywhere I look, everything I watch. They’re always out for me. Everyone is looking for me. The things the police and the media keep saying about me–the evidence that gets released every day, the testimonies, officials saying I have symptoms of psychological problems like psychosis and DID, of Bipolar. More and more–I’m starting to believe it myself. Surely it's that thing. Surely it’s getting in my head…right?
-September 27, 1:03 PM
Made it to the treehouse, glad it’s still here. Had a few close calls along the way when trying to steal food from gas stations but I made it ok. Glad I did, the static is starting to really cloud my vision and my head hurts so bad my ears are starting to ring. I’m not out of the woods yet, that’s for sure. I can sense them...it. They’re trailing me. I think they’re getting close.
I’m so tired, so confused. I don’t know what to do, what to think anymore. What’s next? Maybe I’ll try to get some rest…if I can, that is.
I could try to come up with something, some silver bullet or whatever. I have this one idea, it’s not smart or clever, not even close, but it’s an idea, and it won’t let it–them–it, whatever, win. At least I don’t think it will; besides, surely it has a bigger plan for me, right? There’s no way it would go through all this effort just to kill me…
-4:39
They found me. I can hear them outside. They’re getting closer.
To be honest, I don’t know anymore. Maybe I did kill all those people, maybe I am insane. I don’t know what to believe. There’s so much being said, so many people saying it. I’m just so confused, so tired, so scared.
There's a bomb on the chair beside me, homemade. Glad I grabbed enough supplies to build it. Took me a while to figure it out as well as a few close calls but I think I got it working. They’ll have quite the surprise waiting for them once they find me…
They’re at the base of the tree now. The static has almost completely consumed my vision and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore. I’m not sure why I was made the target of this, why this is happening to me at all, but regardless of the reason, I won’t let them win.
To the creature, or entity, to whatever is doing this to me: I’ll see you in Hell.
Goodbye
Aside from some generic legal stuff to conclude the report, that’s where the document ends. I’m not sure what to make of it. Definitely a lot to take in. I contacted the OP on the site I got this from but haven’t received a response yet, will update if I receive one. For now my only advice is be careful, and don’t go backpacking in Tahoe National Forest. If anyone has any thoughts or info, please, let me know.

Doing a rewatch of this series and I never realized how little interactions Janelle and Robyn have on screen. I'm not sure how often they interacted off screen but I'm betting not very much and I think it's because Janelle could see right through Robyn's manipulation. I don't Robyn is a mastermind but she doesn't have to be to be a skilled manipulator which she is. She knows exactly which buttons to push on Kody, Meri, and Christine. Meri she was a friend to, for Kody she feeds into his ego and plays the innocent wife he needs to protect while reinforcing his need for loyalty and keeping his occupied with sex, and for Christine, Robyn leaned into Christine's feelings of being jealous and less than, pretending to be a friend while also playing up how much Christine's "jealousy" (which was really her asking for equal time and emotional effort form her husband) hurt her. Janelle doesn't have those same buttons. She's pretty easy-going and was seemingly Kody's confidant even after Robyn joined. Janelle mentions how Kody said that he didn't consider himself married to Meri and how he wasn't attracted to Christine so she was still his confidant as late as like Season 15 or 16.
Meri seemed to be the head of the wives, as Kody seemed to favor her a lot early on, essentially letting her have the last word or the role of getting the other wives and children in order. Christine was undoubtedly the organizer who planned the holidays and events and made things special for the kids, while also being the primary caregiver for the OG13. Even Gabe mentions that he and his siblings used to go over to Christine's all the time while they were in Vegas, just to say hi or get food from her fridge and that's why she had such a hard in Flagstaff because she essentially lost all of her kids (she and the kids all seem to consider her a strongother figure to them). Janelle was the workhorse: she did the finances, worked very hard, and had the majority of all the sons (which I'm sure Kody loooooved) while also being best friends with Kody.
Robyn sabotaged each of them. She took over as Head Wife from Meri, systematically broke down each of the family's traditions and holidays that Christine had established and replaced them with her own so she was the "true Mom", and she took over being Kody's favorite...but she couldn't fully replace Janelle in Kody's eyes. Janelle was still important to him even until she separated from him and true to the insult Kody tried to use to demean her, all of Robyn's manipulations slid right off Janelle. I think it's why Robyn avoided Janelle and seemed very intimidated by her. Janelle doesn't have any visible buttons besides her kids and Robyn had beef with every single one of them, which is ridiculous as she's a grown woman fighting with children. Robyn yells that Maddie can move out if she doesn't want to sign the family statement, never forgave Hunter for not being happier when she was pregnant, and hated Garrison and Gabe for calling her out on making the COVID rules and monopolizing Kody's time and attention. The only thing Robyn could do was attack Janelle's kids and she sure did.
All said, Janelle never seemed to deal with Robyn's shit and seemed completely immune to the manipulation. I completely understand and have sympathy for Meri and Christine being swept up in it because I think they shared their insecurities in good faith that Robyn would be a friend and not the viper she is. The Teflon Queen let all the mud Robyn was slinging slide right off.
I'm not saying any of them are perfect and they've all made mistakes but I'm in awe of Janelle's ability to keep a level head and not let someone challenge her confident view of herself. One day I hope I'm as confident and self-assured myself. Wear that Teflon Queen badge with honor and you go Queen!!

Well, Hi all! again! 4Th Wall here, I figured since I just got power back, I might as well play some catch up on both series. Hope you enjoy this episode!!
Yup, I fucked that up. This is a repost with the correct Episode number, LOL! It's been a while since I've done that.
First, Previous, Next (Patreon)
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Benjamin smiled, watching the girls skip ahead of him. Today was a testing day of sorts for him. Unwilling to release firearms into this world haphazardly, yet unwilling to go without them as a backup; he had pulled from one of his sister’s favorite video games. He had “melted down” his bowie knife, repurposing the metal to be used in his latest creation. The final product rode on his hip like a short sword, but Ben was satisfied in the design when the vast majority of the people he passed ignored it as just another adventurer’s blade. Benjamin hoped, that with the existence of Majik, that he would be able to pass off any… peculiarities... as the realm of the supernatural.

The three of them arrived at the tailor’s establishment, and the girls were met with a customary indifference that seemed to present itself when a slave’s “master” was present. The moment Benjamin entered, the seamstress ceased to pay attention to the girls, and instead addressed him directly, “Ah, The Forgemaster’s Protégé. What can I do for you this day.” She said cooly, bowing slightly in welcome. “I’m here commission some clothing for these two, a reward for good service.” Benjamin began. It was technically true; the success of the forge had afforded him much more coin than a mere apprentice could have made. Qort had taken him on as a true partner, and Benjamin earned enough to comfortably afford to cloth his “slaves” in whatever he chose.

Some stigma’s remained however, and the seamstress seemed to glare sideways at the girls as they perused the fabrics adorning the walls. “Is that wise? A slave could lose her place with such gifts.” she asked, her polite tone barely hiding her disapproval. Benjamin sighed internally, ‘oh for fucks sake’ he groaned in his own mind before putting on facad, “I find that proper reward, afforded on the right servant can result in” he paused, projecting a smug expression and blatantly looking the girls up and down. “a profound dedication to their duties” he finished with a satisfied smile as the seamstress covered her mouth with a hand to hide a smile of her own. The gambit worked, and the Seamstress was obviously satisfied that the “Aereesen slave whores” were being properly “used”. “Ah, I understand. What did you have in mind for them.” She practically moaned back at Benjamin. ‘This hag needs a good pounding….’ Benjamin’s inner monologue threatened to crack his facade, “That’s the fun part, my good lady. It’s their choice. The surprise is half the excitement.” He chuckled.

The seamstress openly smiled at him this time before nodding and stepping over to the two girls. Benjamin breathed a sigh of relief as she seemed to treat them at least marginally more warmly. The old racist bag didn’t need to know that Benjamin was secretly building a small nest egg for his girls, or that his sending them out to do errands for him was how he was teaching them about money, value, and the application of Mathematics. She also didn’t need to know that the full Cutlery set that she had purchased last week had been made by Vi’s own hand as her first full solo commission set. Benjamin had stamped his “mark” on them, because slaves were not allowed to own anything, including their own work; but Vi had begun with raw steel and finished with one of the finest cooking knife sets he had seen in this world or his.

Benjamin settled onto a bench outside, using the excuse of wanting to enjoy the morning air to afford his girls some privacy. Now that Viola and Valtrya were eating a healthy diet, and the right calorie amount; they had blossomed into absolute bombshells. Their hair had recovered, and both sported long flowing locks that boasted a silky satin black color and texture that betrayed hints of deep royal purple. The color reminded Benjamin of one of those expensive custom car paints that changed color depending on the lighting.

Their skin recovered almost as quickly as their hair. The sickly, scabbed look was quickly replaced with the same satin quality as their hair to the touch, but with a light grey coloring that almost seemed to tease the edge of hinting at a greyish purple. A dense pattern of Small freckles of the same dark, almost royal, purple as the highlights in their hair frolicked on both girl’s cheeks, and down the sides of their necks. Because of their early lack of understanding on modestly, Ben knew that those freckles traveled much further. The sad truth was that Benjamin understood fully why Aereesen’s were the prize of slavers and brothels, and he silently prayed that he could give them enough self-worth and skill to have a better life than that, once he got them out of the Principality.

A door’s soft creaking broke Benjamin from his thoughts as the two sisters stepped out smiling, “Get everything you need?” he asked standing as the three of them departed the establishment. Val nodded vigorously, and Vi smiled as she spoke, “I think so, but I had to practically beg the woman to stop showing us lingerie… what did you tell her?” Benjamin felt his cheeks heat as he responded, “What I had to. The old hag doesn’t get enough at home. It’s not my fault that your ‘enthusiasm’ is in the forge and your studies, not between the sheets. I didn’t lie to her, I just let her draw her own conclusions, sorry.”

Vi’s eyes twinkled for a second, “Oh,” She smirked, “Thaaat’s why she broke out the silk. Some of her options were..” She blatantly bit her lip at Benjamin. “You didn’t…” He asked in shock, and Vi lifted up on her tippy toes to brush her lips against his ear, “Not telling” she purred, setting Bens senses on fire. She backed up a step, openly smirking at his beet red face. “But your expression is adorable… My Lord” She stated the last two words with a deep sultry tone, knowing that Ben couldn’t scold her in public before taking his hand, “May we visit the bazar next? Val saw some jewelry she wanted to look at.” Benjamin gave her a pointed look, that turned into a smile as she beamed at him, “Ok, sounds good. I need to pick up some food for the week.”

It was later that afternoon when the three of them left the bazar. They found Jukha waiting on the bench in front of their home. “Jukha! How are you!” Benjamin called, clasping the Orc’s hand firmly as the girls rushed inside to put up their purchases. Jukha reciprocated, if somewhat stiffly, to the strange to him gesture. “Benjamin, it is good to see you well.” His tone stopped Ben in his tracks, “What is it. Is your wife, ok?”
Jukha shook his head, “Vilora is well, but I have been tasked with finding you.” He said carefully, “The slaver, the one you dueled for those two,” he nodded to Vi and Val as they stepped back out of the building, “The Heir of The Romoregin house is here. He has lodged an official demand for satisfaction, and he brought a champion.”

Benjamin stiffened, “Another duel? You said an ‘official demand’… what happens if I refuse.” Jukha winced at Ben’s tone, “It is an archaic practice of my people, rarely remembered, and even more rarely demanded. You cannot deny a satisfaction claim, but should you prevail, no further claims can be made upon your person. I am sorry Benjamin, but if you flee or refuse, your life is forfeit; and your property goes to the claimant.” Jukha looked pointedly at Viola and Valtrya. “The young puke has put me in danger as well, if I do not deliver you and them to the duel, I can be detained. If they torture me….” Benjamin’s eyes widened before hardening in understanding. “Jukha…” He turned to find Viola standing next to him, with his musket in one arm and his ammunition bag in the other, and sighed, “Fuck”. He loaded his musket with a single roundball cartridge this time, unwilling to fire buck and ball in the town streets. He pealed the ball out of the paper wading after pouring the poweder, reaching into his haversack to retrieve a small round patch made of pillow ticking. Jukha looked on in mild fascination as Benjamin spit on the cloth patch before wrapping the ball in it and ramming the whole thing down the barrel. It wasn’t much, but it reduce windage, ensuring at least reasonable enough accuracy from the smoothbore to keep from hitting innocent bystanders. It would also virtually eliminate blow-by, upping the chamber pressure and giving him a little more velocity. “I’m ready.”

The four of them entered the small city square to be met with Qort and three Org guards. These soldiers wore different insignia that Benjamin had been taught were the mark of the capital. “Beenjaymen Shayfe” one of them butchered his name, “I am.” Ben nodded firmly, the other guard nodded, “And your two slaves, good. Has Jukha informed you of the proceedings.” Benjamin scowled, “A legalized way to attempt a revenge killing? Yea, I’ve been told.” Ben didn’t bother to hide his vitriol, “So I have to kill a motherfucker for defending myself from his father?”

“Not quite. The Heir has brought a champion. The rules are simple, all forms of combat are allowed” The first guard began as the second one began chaining the wrists of Viola and Valtrya. Benjamin began to move before thinking, only to be held back by Jukha, “Peace albino. They must do this. Fighting them will cause a forfeit.” Benjamin looked at the terrified faces of the two girls. He forced himself to calm down outwardly, but Benjamin could feel the rage building. He had worked so hard to save those two, to get them out.. now some snot nosed brat was going to try to kill him because his father didn’t know when to fuck off. Benjamin stepped out from around the guards. The “heir” was a young Durr. Ben had no frame of reference for age, but the Heir was substantially shorter, and his facial tentacles were almost mere buds. Beside him stood a crimson colossus, the same species as the Hunter he had shot saving Jukha. He was taller than that female, and was wearing plate armor, gilded in silver. He hefted a great sword of some kind and smiled openly at Benjamin. It was not a pleasant expression. “Ah, so You’re the puke I’ll be cleaning from my blade. I am Krastorin. Come here, pale one, I’ll make it quick.”

Benjamin looked him over, subtly shifting into a shooting stance but keeping his musket looking like he was resting the butt of a spear on the ground. “You look accomplished, what makes you do the bidding of the boy.” He asked, blatant scorn on his tone. The Young Durr flinched, his small tentacle buds writhing violently. “H’Dare Yee!” he bellowed, voice cracking with the strain of fury, “Aye’ll ‘ave Yee Head on Me’Wall!!”
Benjamin ignored him, focusing on the Hellirine. The man looked back at the boy with a raised eyebrow, “The young puke promised me one of those.” He pointed at Vi and Val, who had reverted to their former trembling submissive postures that Ben had met them in. “It appears that they are as well kept as claimed. I look forward to sampling them.” He leered. Benjamin looked over at the Young Durr and found his face a mixture of relief and anger. ‘Ah, lied about daddy’s slaves.’ He turned to the soldier standing next to him, “Is the duel on?” he growled.

“Combatants! Begin!” was the Soldiers response, and the crimson mercenary lifted his sword from his shoulders advancing forward with a long confident stride, “at last, let’s get this over wi..” a clap of thunder echo’d through the Feral wood, and most of the crowd cried out in surprise as Benjamin disappeared, seemingly behind a bubble of fire, and brimstone. The single round ball ignored the mercenary’s plate armor. Punching straight through as the soft lead mushroomed out into a ragged disk that measured almost an inch and a half. The mangled projectile, still travelling at almost half the speed of sound, eviscerated the chest cavity of the Mercenary before blowing a one foot wide hole out of the crimson man’s back. The exit wound missed Krastorin’s spine by an inch, but it didn’t matter. The projectile embedded itself into a post, thankfully missing any bystanders by mere inches in some cases. The Young Durr, who was standing just behind and to the side of his champion, was screaming as he pawed at the bits of pale yellow blood, bones, and fragments of internal organs now covering him from head to toe.

Benjamin handed the smoking musket to Jukha, drawing his short sword and walking over to a sputtering, choking, and coughing Krastorin. The Hellirine lay face down on the ground, having fallen that way from the momentum of his initial advance. The back of Benjamins mind was sickly amused as he remembered the old Hollywood trope of bullets throwing people backward, and a pinch of regret sparked in his soul as his opponent death rattled. He stepped up to the Heir, resting the blade against his neck, “Are we done here. Be a better man than your father and learn when to save your own life.” The Young Durr froze, staring up at him in abject terror for several moments as a puddle formed at his feet. Benjamin opened his mouth to speak again when the boy simply passed out, falling into the puddle of his own mess as his mind refused to stay conscious.

Benjamin turned to walk back towards Jukha and the girls. “Unchain them.” Benjamin’s tone could have frozen a raging forge’s inferno. To his surprise, two of the soldiers drew their weapons on him, “You need to come with us. All Touched must be registered with...” Benjamin pointed his short sword at the one talking… and pulled the trigger. The percussion revolver built into the hilt of the short sword was zero’d using a notch Benjamin cut into the crossguard, and the tip of the curved blade as a crude set of open sights. The barrel of the revolver lay along one side of the blade, and was rifled. The speaking soldier orc’s took the smaller pistol round through the forehead, exploding the back of his skull in a cone of dark green and grey mist. The exit wound showered his companion in bits of bone and brains. Benjamin’s thumb found the hammer, and four satisfying clicks echo’d in the stunned silence, “HEAR ME!” He growled, “I, am touched by the Gods. I posses the power to end any life I choose using the power of Hell itself!” ‘if I have to show them a gun, might as well throw them off the trail’ “The violence of the raging volcano obeys my very fingertips.” His revolvesword bucked a second time as another soldier orc made a move to rush him. The smaller pistol round still punched through the orcs armor and out the back, but only left him screaming on the ground. Benjamin re-cocked, and leveled his weapon at the orc holding the chains to Val and Vi. “Now, release them.” This last remaining Orc did as asked, before gathering up his screaming companion as the girls rushed to Benjamin, he pulled them close, whispering, “I’m sorry we wont be able to pick up your dresses.”

The three of them packed up that night. Qort had understood, knowing all too well what the Principality would do to acquire a Touched of Benjamins ability. “Stay safe my friend. I pray our paths cross again.” Jukha snuck them out of the village that night, using his wagon to get them to his home. They stayed a week, laying low while they planned their next move. The girls spent their time learning recipes from Jukha’s wife, and ben took the time to unwind a bit. Jukha and He went on a hunt, and Benjamin was given a run down on the flora and fauna of the Feral wood. The two of them brought back a pair of Stags, and the three women cooked them a feast.

“Dinner’s ready!!” called Viola, setting the last of the sides on the table as the dutch oven roasted meat was brought off of the stove top. It was a simple yet elegant meal. Stag, potatoes, some kind of Kale style vegetable that Benjamin had never seen before. Soon enough, everyone at the table was leaning back, as full as they could make themselves. “So, pinkskin,” Jukha asked, “Where do you plan on going. I wouldn’t mind you staying with me. I could use another hunter, but I suspect that they would notice the extra product I brought to the village.”

Benjamin Hummed, “The Maridian Combine. Qort told me that they banned slavery over a century ago, the girls have learned so much already. It would be easy to find jobs for them.” Vi and Val drooped slightly but hid it well. Jukha noticed it but said nothing. “A good choice, their boarders are well guarded, you would need to free them before you cross, or end up in a dungeon yourself.”

“Good point, I can write up a simple writ of freedom. Something I can sign and give to them.” Benjamin nodded, “I can get started on that to…” he paused as a hand fell on his. He looked to see Viola staring at him, fighting back tears, “Hey, what’s wrong. You will be free…” Jukha nodded slowly and stood. “love,” he said to Vilora, “I need some help with the livestock” The Farie met his eyes in unspoken understanding, fluttering out the front door with Jukha.

“Vi, what’s wrong.” Benjamin asked gently.

“No… go… Val… stay…” Both of them turned to Valtrya in shock. She was trembling, “I wont..leave.”

“You speak?” Benjamin looked in shock, but Viola spoke next, “Benjamin, we don’t want to leave. We want to stay, with you. I…” She paused. Ben sighed, “I want you to stay too.” He said, finally admitting it to himself, “But I can’t own you. It’s killing me that you are my property.” He reached up and wiped a tear from Vi’s eyes, “You are so much more than property. I feel evil, every day that I wake up knowing that I could do anything I wanted to you, or worse, die and have someone else hurt you for the fun of it.” Benjamin bowed his head. Viola reached out, lifting his chin to look into his eyes, “Then come with us.” She whispered as Val stood up and stepped around the table, “yes.. You, come.” She wrapped herself around Ben from the side leaning in until she was resting her head against his shoulder, “I’m… staying.. with you.” she said softly. Viola nodded, “Benjamin, how old do you think we are.”

Ben looked at her in confusion, “I have no idea, I’ve always assumed you were teenagers. 13-14 years old for Val, maybe 16 for you, but that was when you were skin and bones.” He admitted.

Viola’s eyes widened in understanding. “You did not want to bed us because you thought us children.” Benjamin nodded slowly, answering. “And forcing sex on a child is the worst kind of crime on my world”. Viola and Valtrya looked at each other, before Vi spoke. “Ben, my sister will turn one hundred and three in a fortnight. I just had my one hundred and fifteenth birthday last week.” She leaned in, pressing her lips to Bens as she kissed him passionately for a moment. “We are no children,” Viola paused as Valtrya leaned in, kissing Ben lightly on the neck, “You are not forcing us to do anything, but leave.” Viola whispered as she began to close in to a surprised Benjamin for another kiss.

The door to the cabin flew open violently, and the girls pulled back to a more modest distance. Jukha walked in, carrying a panting Vilora. “What happened.” Ben asked hurriedly, hoping he wasn’t blushing as hard as the heat on his cheeks suggested. Vilora waved a hand as Jukha set her down in her chair, “The Vin… My sisters… they reached out… They wish to meet…” The Farie gathered herself, “They also sent a warning. We must leave, tonight… hunters.”
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If you made it this far, I very much appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed the episode! If you believe I have earned it, I have a Patreon that is two episodes ahead of the free releases for this series. I hope you feel taking a look is worth it. Either way, come hang out in the comments. Everyone's welcome! I've discovered Im a bit of a "warts and all" poster, so even critical comments are welcome. Hell, You might even teach me something (it happens more than I'd like to admit).
I have heard people off and on reference Royal road, So I am going to give it another shot. I'll be adding the Royal Road link from now on. If you like reading over there, It is on the same schedule as here. I would greatly appreciate a like/review/comment if you feel so inclined. Thank you again for stopping by.
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I find that I am best able to process and work through themes I need to work on in myself through art. A common way I do this is by covering up something “ugly” with something “beautiful”- for example, right now I am working on a painting about self love, and self hate- something I struggle with a lot. I like to think that the act of transforming something I want to change with something creative is a spell in itself.
I started by writing on the canvas with a sharpie everything mean I could possibly think about myself. Every insecurity, thing I hate, etc. I’ve painted over it and changed things many times, but I’m finally almost done. I’m not gonna post or describe the whole thing, but the important part is that I have two blob like creatures in the middle who are see through with their organs exposed (symbol for me of vulnerability, turning myself inside out, the two figures being the sides of myself who war with eachother). On the wall next to them, I have painted two frames, but for now they are empty.
I have gone back and forth with what I want to paint inside them, but I think I’ve landed on some kind of animals, flowers, herbs, foods etc that might symbolize self love or one’s inner child. I want them to be a sort of representation of a memory of a past version of myself who wasn’t so self hating.
I’ve thought of a rabbit, a baby chick, even a cat, maybe cinnamon sticks or a narcissus.
Any other ideas? I’m open to any and all kinds of symbolism that any of you can think of that ties in with this!!
Thank you and be well❤️

Hi all just wanted to better introduce myself. I (f/25) left a longterm abusive relationship in January, and moved into a room in a boarding house type of thing. I couldn’t afford it along with school payments and regular bills (car payment, insurance(s), etc). I had to choose which thing to eliminate and the only bill that wouldn’t completely upend my life if I abandoned it was rent. I live in NJ and, with the influx of tourists choosing permanent housing here, the cost of living (of even just shelter) is WAY over the line of ridiculous. I have been homeless before here, and I have lived in my car before here, so I figured I’d go back to car living. I always sort of missed it.
It’s been about a month back in my car now. I rotate where I sleep four nights a week in the town I grew up in. Two of the spots are legal overnight parking locations. Two are in the middle of the woods. I completely seal my back seat (I drive a sedan) and leave the front part of the car “open” or viewable. This way, I look like a regular car parked with no one inside. I started out with all these window shields and such, but I thought it started to look to obvious. This way is much better. And allows me more inconspicuous peep holes so I feel like I can observe my surroundings better.
The other nights of the week I sleep at a cheap motel I have always utilized.
When I park I spend about ten minutes on set up and I do not leave my car. I make sure I go back and forth to my trunk and get stuff ready for the next day somewhere else, that I’m not sleeping at. I charge my phone all day so by the time I sleep it is good to go. I keep some self defense items stashed in the back with me. I also never use a flashlight once I’m at my location.
I work in restaurants so I eat at work usually, and when I don’t I eat nonperishables. In my trunk I have a three bag system. One with food. One with clothes. And one with all my bedding. Plus an extra small bag for dirty laundry which I do once a week for like 6 bucks.
This is the first time I’m living in my car sober. I’ll have five years sober in a few days. Honestly, it is the best decision I could’ve made. I’m leaving NJ in a couple months. I work a lot, have a regular gym regimen (and shower there). I read a lot of the day, or write. And it is peaceful to have quiet space to myself for really the first time in my life. I have lived on the streets and the street smarts have never left my brain. So that’s a plus too.
Anyway just wanted to say hi, and thank this forum for all the helpful advice and tips and general support. You guys all rule! 🌸