Crazy friendship bracelet

I lowkey want like? Band kids? Theather kids friends? LMFAO
Trust me I thought about what to title this a LOT but it just seemed like the best option! I'm a former theater kid myself gone college sorority-wannabe normal girl but I miss my over-the-top nerdy friends so much 😭😭. I wanna be cringe again, I wanna be weird again. I miss talking to people that talk like anime characters.
Evertime I come on here people are always so casual and normal like I'm meeting them in a cafe. I'm looking for nerds and geeks! I want someone who's like, a total dork and a little weird to be friends with! Someone who'll discuss character analysis and desings with me (I like drawing), someone who'll tell me about comics I should read, fandoms, crazy niche internet things like kiwi farms or something! Chronically online besties wya??
I like: - Musicals (the basic ones sadly) - Horror movies - Videogames (especially fighting/rpgs) - Criminology/psychology - Anime/Manga (My favorite is Lucky star!) - Y2k fashion/media - Internet drama - Video essays - And basically everything that was popular during the early to mid 2010s (Sonic, eddsworld, animation memes, commentary YouTubers, video essays on random topics, roleplaying, mlp, creepypasta just to name a very small few)
Dm me your special interest or something!! Info dump! I want someone I can be unapologetically TOTALLY CRINGE with! Tip your Fedora at me? LMFAO
I'm currently totally obsessed with Class of 09, currently reading blood meridian, last game I played was db fighterz, and last movie I watched was Dune part 2.
(PS. pls don't dm me if you're seeking anything romantic I want a friendship only. I'm asexual and have a bf :3 thanks!)

I've posted here quite a bit, and I thought my ex was better than what I've read here - I was wrong. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, wanted to stay friends.
I told him 5 days ago, last Friday, that friendship wasn't an option. He couldn't slam the door shut in my face and keep a wedge jammed in it for friendship. Things were good! I made it 4 days without speaking to him - I stopped crying, I stopped caring so much. He said "okay." I thought that was it.
Then yesterday, he messaged me about a video game we both used to play. Exactly 2 weeks after breaking up with me, and 4 days after I told him we couldn't stay friends. He misunderstood what I said the other day, thought if I wanted radio silence I would have blocked him. I was so furious. He swore it wasn't on purpose, he misunderstood, he didn't mean to message me exactly 2 weeks after. I feel crazy for not believing him, but I don't.
I freaked out again. He's now blocked me after I asked him too, I've blocked him and I am NOT unblocking him this time. He told me to go watch a shitty rom com where the couple breaks up at the end because it's not meant to be - I've watched it, I hated it, he knows this. His status is now about God giving everyone intense emotions after being an emotionless husk for months - he's not even religious - I am. Again, I feel CRAZY for thinking he's provoking me, but there's not enough coincidence in the world to explain all of this.
I am beyond DONE. You all were right.

I (19M) met my best friend (19F) about 4 years ago during the end of my Freshman Year in High School. In that time, she was dating someone and I was dating someone and eventually, both of our relationships went to crap because of very immature reasons that were common with kids our age. I was afraid to be alone after my break up so I ended up getting closer to her and it got to the point where we began to talk every single day, and that streak hasn’t ended since. I had a feeling about her even during that time but went on to enter a situation-ship that turned into an actual relationship for about a month until that too ended unceremoniously. She was there for all of it and even gave me the confidence to end the relationship with my ex after my ex said that I “wasn’t a priority,” something I’ll never forget. That line hurt like hell after putting so much energy into caring for her.
My second ex, the situation-ship one, would joke around with my feelings afterward and try to talk to me months after our breakup. For context, I told her never to speak to me again after she claimed she loved me then went on to date another guy as reported by my best friend. So this behavior was very detrimental to my mental health and made things a lot worse for me. My best friend however, protected and defended me from her actions. My ex let it slip that she was afraid for my bff to find out we were talking because she had scolded her before.
Eventually, that ended and up until this point, my bff was someone who was scarily similar to me and sorta brought me out of my shell. I changed a lot of my “loner” ways for her and would walk to class with her, not even speaking sometimes, just enjoying her presence. We’d have these little moments between each other and got mistaken for a couple a few times too. She had an affinity towards me but it was nothing romantic.
Fast forward to last year and I’m starting to take notice of some strange feelings for her and through subtle prodding, it was still clear she wasn’t into me in that way. There’d be little clues of something brewing within her heart but not enough to act.
Now this is where it gets interesting. 2024 has probably been our best year yet and the crazy part is that we haven’t seen each other in-person since our mutual friend’s graduation party which was last year. We have plans to travel across the world, live in some apartment together, own a dog together, dress up for halloween as Agnes and Kristofferson from Fantastic Mr. Fox, and a bunch more like me cooking for her and us doing each other’s hair. We text and talk to each other like we’ve been married for 20 years. She’ll tell me when something’s wrong and never takes out her frustration on me, called me when she was having cramps and stuff, will occasionally take some photos of herself for me.
The photos of her is where I find myself realizing how deep I’ve fallen because this woman is just gorgeous. I legitimately can’t see myself with anybody else but her. Her smile, her hair, her cute glasses, and her entire body is simply STUNNING. Don’t even get me started on personality because that’s what has me so starstruck. I was looking at her photos tonight and man, I wonder how I lived without her for 15 years…
I never run out of things to talk about with her and unlike the past few years, all of her plans seem to include me in them. Driving together, napping together, just being around each other always. I mentioned her being my partner a few times and she gladly accepted that title. I EVEN KNOW WHAT WEDDING RING SHE WANTS. It’s not the look that matters but the engraving, which is the timestamp for Harry’s love confession to Sally in “When Harry Met Sally.”
My relationship/friendship with her is completely unlike the ones where I was actively dating them, I am so completely invested in her life and what’s she doing and what she likes. It’s borderline obsession with loving every aspect of her and the world she sees. My friends are always talking about flirting with girls and all that but as long as my best friend exists, I feel as though I’m taken.
And I know some people would question why I haven’t confessed and that’s because I’m waiting until I can see her face-to-face and know for sure if she loves me back in that way. We say I love you quite a bit but with everything going on between us, I have a feeling that I’ll get my true answer by getting to look into her eyes again. Part of me thinks I’m dreaming all this up and that she truly does see us as just friends but there’s too many coincidences for me to ignore it. We’re too close, I believe. Too close for either of us to enter a relationship with someone else, at least.
Let me know what you guys think.

I (19M) met my best friend (19F) about 4 years ago during the end of my Freshman Year in High School. In that time, she was dating someone and I was dating someone and eventually, both of our relationships went to crap because of very immature reasons that were common with kids our age. I was afraid to be alone after my break up so I ended up getting closer to her and it got to the point where we began to talk every single day, and that streak hasn’t ended since. I had a feeling about her even during that time but went on to enter a situation-ship that turned into an actual relationship for about a month until that too ended unceremoniously. She was there for all of it and even gave me the confidence to end the relationship with my ex after my ex said that I “wasn’t a priority,” something I’ll never forget. That line hurt like hell after putting so much energy into caring for her.
My second ex, the situation-ship one, would joke around with my feelings afterward and try to talk to me months after our breakup. For context, I told her never to speak to me again after she claimed she loved me then went on to date another guy as reported by my best friend. So this behavior was very detrimental to my mental health and made things a lot worse for me. My best friend however, protected and defended me from her actions. My ex let it slip that she was afraid for my bff to find out we were talking because she had scolded her before.
Eventually, that ended and up until this point, my bff was someone who was scarily similar to me and sorta brought me out of my shell. I changed a lot of my “loner” ways for her and would walk to class with her, not even speaking sometimes, just enjoying her presence. We’d have these little moments between each other and got mistaken for a couple a few times too. She had an affinity towards me but it was nothing romantic.
Fast forward to last year and I’m starting to take notice of some strange feelings for her and through subtle prodding, it was still clear she wasn’t into me in that way. There’d be little clues of something brewing within her heart but not enough to act.
Now this is where it gets interesting. 2024 has probably been our best year yet and the crazy part is that we haven’t seen each other in-person since our mutual friend’s graduation party which was last year. We have plans to travel across the world, live in some apartment together, own a dog together, dress up for halloween as Agnes and Kristofferson from Fantastic Mr. Fox, and a bunch more like me cooking for her and us doing each other’s hair. We text and talk to each other like we’ve been married for 20 years. She’ll tell me when something’s wrong and never takes out her frustration on me, called me when she was having cramps and stuff, will occasionally take some photos of herself for me.
The photos of her is where I find myself realizing how deep I’ve fallen because this woman is just gorgeous. I legitimately can’t see myself with anybody else but her. Her smile, her hair, her cute glasses, and her entire body is simply STUNNING. Don’t even get me started on personality because that’s what has me so starstruck. I was looking at her photos tonight and man, I wonder how I lived without her for 15 years…
I never run out of things to talk about with her and unlike the past few years, all of her plans seem to include me in them. Driving together, napping together, just being around each other always. I mentioned her being my partner a few times and she gladly accepted that title. I EVEN KNOW WHAT WEDDING RING SHE WANTS. It’s not the look that matters but the engraving, which is the timestamp for Harry’s love confession to Sally in “When Harry Met Sally.”
My relationship/friendship with her is completely unlike the ones where I was actively dating them, I am so completely invested in her life and what’s she doing and what she likes. It’s borderline obsession with loving every aspect of her and the world she sees. My friends are always talking about flirting with girls and all that but as long as my best friend exists, I feel as though I’m taken.
And I know some people would question why I haven’t confessed and that’s because I’m waiting until I can see her face-to-face and know for sure if she loves me back in that way. We say I love you quite a bit but with everything going on between us, I have a feeling that I’ll get my true answer by getting to look into her eyes again. Part of me thinks I’m dreaming all this up and that she truly does see us as just friends but there’s too many coincidences for me to ignore it. We’re too close, I believe. Too close for either of us to enter a relationship with someone else, at least.
Let me know what you guys think.
TL;DR this girl is literal perfection and loves me to bits but I can’t read her mind on if the feelings are romantic. Am I crazy on thinking so from how close she is to me?

I have now seen three (3) natural super events in a one (1) month time frame.
O
In early April we had traveled to see the solar eclipse. My LTR’s friend had a crummy cabin right in the path of totality and had invited lots of people to come watch. These were acquaintances and chums from a touring / traveling / festie past life, the kind of wild spirit I’d see once or twice a year at some interesting event and ask what they’ve been up to. My lover would already know; they are a creature of social media and a master of effortlessly effusive connections. I can’t even pinpoint when I forfeited all of those attendees as now being more their friend than mine.
Totality is still ineffable despite all the accounts. You see it coming as the clouds part directly below its pathway, leaving a trail of its approach from the horizon. Animals freak out, shadows bend, the collective hype of your company irresistible. The sky darkens slightly one minute before you’re snapped into a parallel dimension ruled by a glowing ring god. For four minutes the neurons in your brain that fear the sky are screaming and you experience the answer to the question: “what if reality was different?”
Having experienced that rumination made me actually reconnect with all the attendees afterwards. How lazy I was, how fearful and jaded, to assume that friendships, human connections, didn’t deserve effort? That you should never forfeit companionship without at least trying first? How beaten down and cynical had I become that Luna herself had to remind me that love should be joyous and celebrated? Now was a chance to correct that mistake.
I ended up becoming the life of the rest of the party, an unusual position for me. Perhaps my mind was sufficiently shaken up and I saw the opportunities I had long ignored. Perhaps my gregarious partner didn’t dominate the scene because of the blotter which I had passed on. Maybe some combination of those factors led to them being uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of our stay. By contrast, the silent drive home was typical for us these days.
V
They were not in the car for the second super event. That was just me and my coworker, called off of our out-of-town jobsite. An unusual emergency meant that we had to drop everything and leave NOW. If our supervisor hadn’t called then we would have felt it in the air, a sense of impending danger spoken in wind and atmosphere.
My phone alert went off on the highway. Take shelter now, an impossible plea at 70 mph through farmlands. My coworker, a plain spoken plains man, silently barreled forward towards the green-blue cell. The throbbing bassline of Nugent’s “Stranglehold” accompanied the descending fingers of clouds that threatened just that. Cars and semis were pulled over under overpasses, a pointless shield against anything other than the hail but I still understand their impulse. We reached our exit and could see the storm that we passed under from the driver’s side window.
“There it is” he said so flatly. His enthusiasm was appropriate: there, behind the modest and familiar skyline, was the weather event every midwestern is taught to fear. But it struck no fear in me. It too looked modest and familiar.
The funnel was literally just an extension of the slate clouds above, a tendril, a shape, not registering with me as a threat at all. Even while driving through it my thoughts weren’t of danger but of melancholy resignation. Perhaps because it was a forty minute drive and my position was completely determined by outside demands: be at work at this time, go to this jobsite, leave right now, this is the only path you can take home. I felt no control over any of it, not the schedule, not the weather, not the lame ass boomer soundtrack that could’ve been the last thing I heard had a butterfly flapped it’s wings different.
The tornado incurred significant damage just a few miles from our house. My partner was equally non-plussed by the whole situation. If they had felt fear in the basement then they had forgotten it entirely, the event reduced to a “man that was crazy” story to recount later within a handful of sentences. Perhaps they too recognize that some awful events are just bound to happen, the certainty of which strips the stress away.
//
The final phenom was actually a subdued encore. The aurora borealis had made a surprise visit to the Lower 48, but we missed the first night. Even though my lover had received texts from their many friends telling them about the heavenly light show, we were already in bed and in no place mentally to go see it. The NOAA predicted it would be visible the next night, so we planned for that instead.
The drive was the last effort of the day, a final rally after work and social obligations and stressful interactions on top of endless mundane life maintenance. Our modest midwest town with it’s modest skyline isn’t too heavy on the light pollution, but there was a lake a half hour north where most of the local pictures were taken the night before. Making the voyage out there felt like a slog after those last few days, but the aurora was on my bucket list and I needed some cosmic intervention in my life. I was hoping it would be like the totality, a brilliant display that left me changed afterwards. Instead, it was like the tornado. It just was.
Sure, there were some pastel smears in the night sky. Hell, you could even point your phone at it and see if better on your camera app. But it appeared as if the display wasn’t as breath taking as the night before. Our friends and countless other couples lucked out and got to experience something beautiful, but we did not. And I felt nothing.
No anger, no resentment, no disappointment even. Just a kind of tired acceptance that I only got to see some of this brilliant thing I always wanted but I was so worn out from days of work and effort and driving and stressful interactions of fighting and arguing –
We drove back again in silence. Five days ago we were given homework from our therapist. We were instructed to end each night a brief description of a frustration from our day that didn’t involve our partner. The idea is to distill the unpleasantness to a few sentences and a few words so that we can express how we feel about negative experiences as simply as possible to each other. Perhaps that exercise will help us understand each other better and highlight themes that consistently upset us.
That only works if you do it every night. This was five nights since that session and we hadn’t done the exercise even once. It’s a great idea, but we are just in no place mentally to put in the effort. We had tried for years to not forfeit our companionship, only to feel drained and exhausted. We just go to couple’s therapy because that’s what good progressive millennials do. We both know what’s coming. We can feel it in the air.
A committed relationship was always on my bucket list. I had hyped up the beauty of it in my mind. Instead it’s only been a lot of work and effort and rallying and fighting and arguing. Other friends and countless other couples got to experience that brilliance, but I just felt so, so tired.
The impending break up is going to be awful. We are deeply entwined with each other, and it’s going to be painful to separate and watch our mutual friends take sides. It’s going to leave a path of destruction, but we are both resigned to this happening. I feel no control over it, it’s just what’s on the horizon. I wonder what opportunities there will be afterwards, when reality is different.

I (19M) met my best friend (19F) about 4 years ago during the end of my Freshman Year in High School. In that time, she was dating someone and I was dating someone and eventually, both of our relationships went to crap because of very immature reasons that were common with kids our age. I was afraid to be alone after my break up so I ended up getting closer to her and it got to the point where we began to talk every single day, and that streak hasn’t ended since. I had a feeling about her even during that time but went on to enter a situation-ship that turned into an actual relationship for about a month until that too ended unceremoniously. She was there for all of it and even gave me the confidence to end the relationship with my ex after my ex said that I “wasn’t a priority,” something I’ll never forget. That line hurt like hell after putting so much energy into caring for her.
My second ex, the situation-ship one, would joke around with my feelings afterward and try to talk to me months after our breakup. For context, I told her never to speak to me again after she claimed she loved me then went on to date another guy as reported by my best friend. So this behavior was very detrimental to my mental health and made things a lot worse for me. My best friend however, protected and defended me from her actions. My ex let it slip that she was afraid for my bff to find out we were talking because she had scolded her before.
Eventually, that ended and up until this point, my bff was someone who was scarily similar to me and sorta brought me out of my shell. I changed a lot of my “loner” ways for her and would walk to class with her, not even speaking sometimes, just enjoying her presence. We’d have these little moments between each other and got mistaken for a couple a few times too. She had an affinity towards me but it was nothing romantic.
Fast forward to last year and I’m starting to take notice of some strange feelings for her and through subtle prodding, it was still clear she wasn’t into me in that way. There’d be little clues of something brewing within her heart but not enough to act.
Now this is where it gets interesting. 2024 has probably been our best year yet and the crazy part is that we haven’t seen each other in-person since our mutual friend’s graduation party which was last year. We have plans to travel across the world, live in some apartment together, own a dog together, dress up for halloween as Agnes and Kristofferson from Fantastic Mr. Fox, and a bunch more like me cooking for her and us doing each other’s hair. We text and talk to each other like we’ve been married for 20 years. She’ll tell me when something’s wrong and never takes out her frustration on me, called me when she was having cramps and stuff, will occasionally take some photos of herself for me.
The photos of her is where I find myself realizing how deep I’ve fallen because this woman is just gorgeous. I legitimately can’t see myself with anybody else but her. Her smile, her hair, her cute glasses, and her entire body is simply STUNNING. Don’t even get me started on personality because that’s what has me so starstruck. I was looking at her photos tonight and man, I wonder how I lived without her for 15 years…
I never run out of things to talk about with her and unlike the past few years, all of her plans seem to include me in them. Driving together, napping together, just being around each other always. I mentioned her being my partner a few times and she gladly accepted that title. I EVEN KNOW WHAT WEDDING RING SHE WANTS. It’s not the look that matters but the engraving, which is the timestamp for Harry’s love confession to Sally in “When Harry Met Sally.”
My relationship/friendship with her is completely unlike the ones where I was actively dating them, I am so completely invested in her life and what’s she doing and what she likes. It’s borderline obsession with loving every aspect of her and the world she sees. My friends are always talking about flirting with girls and all that but as long as my best friend exists, I feel as though I’m taken.
And I know some people would question why I haven’t confessed and that’s because I’m waiting until I can see her face-to-face and know for sure if she loves me back in that way. We say I love you quite a bit but with everything going on between us, I have a feeling that I’ll get my true answer by getting to look into her eyes again. Part of me thinks I’m dreaming all this up and that she truly does see us as just friends but there’s too many coincidences for me to ignore it. We’re too close, I believe. Too close for either of us to enter a relationship with someone else, at least.
Let me know what you guys think.
TL;DR this girl is literal perfection and loves me to bits but I can’t read her mind on if the feelings are romantic. Am I crazy on thinking so from how close she is to me?

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancee(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancee I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.
We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancee and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that. I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancee for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancee than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.
I confronted my fiancee and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think. Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.
AITAH here?

Ok so I (19F) rlly like this guy (20M) we’ve known each other for about half a year now, but got a lot closer three months ago when I started training for my first ever half marathon with him.
For some context, we are both sophomores in the same church. He used to be a huge red flag, doesn’t have the best reputation bc he was known to be a big partier and flirted w tons of girls while having a girlfriend. After breaking up and also a revelation about his spiritual journey, he changed a lot. Now he doesn’t really talk to girls at all, he’s very devoted to church, classes, and especially physical health (he’s huge on weight lifting and running). So I first started getting to know him through sophomore dinners (three guys + me). And that’s when I got inspired to attempt a half marathon. Since then, this past quarter (three months ago) we’ve started running together every Saturday (with one other guy too who is also training w us) but not together together in that he runs his own pace and I run mines. He also reached out a couple times to workout tgt, but it all seems very friendly cause he would joke he doesn’t know how to talk to girls and then call me a bro. Earlier this quarter we also had a conversation about relationships in the church and he actually literally said that he felt like God was calling him to be single for the rest of his life. His reasoning was that he doesn’t feel a strong desire to be in a relationship in the moment, like he doesn’t feel like he needs one. That should be one big sign he doesn’t like me. He also directly told his friends that he isn’t looking for anything right now and doesn’t like me.
However it’s confusing cause I actually got injured a couple weeks ago into my half marathon training. And the day I was in the most pain and the day I didn’t have any access to ice cause it was super late into the night, he went all the way to seven eleven and delivered ice to me along with his massage gun. That’s when I started liking him. Since then he’d continue initiating working out but not extremely proactive either, we do see each other at least three times a week including church sophomore dinner and long run.
Two weeks ago however, during sophomore dinner the topic of relationships came up, and another guy was asking me how girls would like to be approached or how a guy should express his interest in a girl. He responded to this question by stating first study together, then get a meal, then talk about the relationship ship. He also said he’d be very proactive . Then things get interesting cause he continues to say you have to be sacrificially nice to them saying that if they’re sick you have to make food for them, he also said that it would be best to have a weekly activity you can do with them so that you don’t have to always intentionally be setting things up to see them. He also said that you have to push and pull. Tell me I’m crazy but I feel like these are the things he’s been doing to me. And part of me is afraid I’m being manipulated with his tactics bc he may very well just be bored and as the only girl he’s talked to since freshman yr it seems likely. However he also does not seem like the type of person to do that, cause he changed a lot since then.
I don’t know what to do. Should I confess my feelings and hear directly from him what his intentions are so that I can set boundaries from these misleading actions. Or should I just let it be, and not risk ruining a friendship potentially, because I also don’t want to make things awkward and weird for the sophomore class.

Written 5/8/2024- updates attached below

I tried posting this on kendrick almost a week ago and it got no response, I messaged the mods to ask about Karma restrictions or account age requirements and they never replied. I made a new account and it was the same issue, but I found out last night I wasn’t fully banned, so I figured I’d throw it up and see if anyone finds it valuable. It’s written for people who have no prior knowledge of the rap game/music business. I don’t have to go as hard on obscuring names this time. One of the influencers I mentioned in my last post is known for doxxing and threatening violence against people who mention the many contradictions in their stories. (Sorry for any typos/mistakes I want to go to bed.)
Origins
I believe the current Drake and Kendrick Lamar beef is either completely or partially fabricated by certain industry leaders or the parties involved in an effort to distract from something bigger going down behind the scenes. If you were an influential label owner facing major accusations, and you needed to deflect media attention from yourself, recreating one of the most defining moments in rap history during the social media era would be a way to do it. It also wouldn’t hurt that two of the biggest rappers in the world were already sending shots at each other in their music for years prior. The public consensus is they are simply two famous rappers who hate each other and fighting over the spot for the top like in the 90’s. Only people who were directly involved could paint a more cohesive picture of the whole story. Even when all the cards drop, there is a good chance the average person won’t be able to find direct sources on their own and will continue to support their favorite artists and dismiss any evidence of their crimes like the drizzy subreddit or Ak fans.

As I said the beef between Kendrick and Drake has been brewing in the background for years, with both rappers sending shots and sneak dissing each other over the course of at least 8 years. The most agreed upon origin story is the first diss was the 2016 Big Sean and Kendrick collaboration, “Control,” and Drake responded with, “The Language”. Things stayed relatively lighthearted for a while and both were intentionally vague for many years. Before I go deep into the Kendrick and Drake stuff, it’s really important to examine some of Drake’s prior beefs because they add a ton of context to my theory. In my opinion Kendrick and Co. started scheming all of this some time around Mid 2020-Mid 2022, well after the whole Pusha T beef had transitioned into the Kanye beef.

What exactly started the beef is debatable, but at the time many attributed it to rumors of Drake pursuing Ye’s ex Amber Rose. Unfortunately the timeline isn’t 100 percent clear, and if I included every detail this would be at least 200+ pages so I’ll stick with the important stuff. The ultimate outcome of the Pusha T battle in 2018 was the revelation of Drake’s son Adidon that he had previously been hiding from the world along with getting Ye directly involved in the beef.

Here are some more examples of Drake antagonizing Ye and of him trying to use women as pawns to get material for his diss tracks. The Drake line, “Yeah, I probably go link to Yeezy, I need me some Jesus, but as soon as I start confessin' my sins, he wouldn't believe us," could be a reference to sleeping with Kim Kardashian, trying to double down on his threats to harm him or his family, or it could be a double entendre. Another example is using the name Kiki in another song, which was apparently one of Kim’s nicknames. Some other possible examples include the theories he may have tried the same thing with Kendrick’s wife Whitney around 2020-2021 in an attempt to use as ammo against Kendrick, which I’ll go into later. I don’t listen to much of either artist's music, but there are probably many of other examples in Drake’s catalogue that I’m leaving out. There is also his song Omerta released in 2019, which I'll go into below.

“Your baby mother call me when she lonely My tailor see me twice a week, he like my homie Forever grateful, forever thankful Diamond necklace, but she wears it on her ankle”

(Probably referring to Kim Kardashian since she had a few pictures with her wearing diamond ankle bracelets and was trying to make it into a trend.

“I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction”

(There were various rumors floating around for a while that Drake was blackmailing Ye with something and he was fighting to keep it from the public. I thought about it and this line might be referencing a sex tape with Kim or her little sister who me was very touch before she turned 18. In 2022 there was a whole storyline on Kim’s show where Ye flies to LA to prevent her second sex tape from being released.)

West Hollywood, know my presence is menacing
Cosa Nostra, shady dealings
Racketeering, the syndicate got they hand in plenty things The things that we've done to protect the name are unsettling But no regrets, though, the name'll echo Years later, none greater
Death to a coward and a traitor, that's just in my nature, yeah
(Drake and Ye both frequented the Delilah Nightclub located in West Hollywood and lived closeby on the same street for a while.)
"I don't carry cash 'cause the money is digital
It's the American Expresser, the debt collector"

(Sounds a lot more like it could be crypto to launder or send large amounts of ill gotten gains. It started becoming mainstream around them)

"Last year, niggas really feel like they rode on me
Last year, niggas got hot 'cause they told on me
I'm 'bout to call the bluff of anybody the fold on me"

These lines stood out because they could be referring to Ye telling the public about Drake's alleged threats a couple months before the songs release. This happened not long after the release of Sicko mode which was towards the end of 2018 as well. Ye was discussing the incident on Twitter and reached out to Drake and Travis to talk to him in private. In the next set of tweets Kanye publicly accused Drake of threatening him and his family in a major way. Surprisingly Ye seemed genuinely scared and amongst his, “crazy rants,” some of the stuff he said makes a ton of sense in hindsight. This also the beginning of his second serious public struggles with Bipolar disorder after being committed in 2016 shortly after an on stage rant where he calls out Jay Z for selling out and says he's afraid he might kill him.. As someone who shares the same diagnosis, I have a pretty good understanding of mania and psychosis and firmly believe that it's important not to write people off right away due to their mental illness. Some of my most thoughtful, creative, and productive periods were inspired by mania. Industry bigwigs have also been using mental illness to discredit influential black celebrities and visionaries going back decades, but it really picked up in the 80’s.

Dave Chappelle has gone into this a lot in the past and claims he experienced something similar before he quit show business and dipped to Africa. Their stories have a lot of interesting parallels if you’re familiar or curious. I remember he actually visited Ye at his house in Wyoming after he was reported to have had a, "mental breakdown," during his presidential run in 2020 thus marking his third breakown in six years.. The reason I put it in quotes is because it happened right after he publicly accused Kim of cheating and delivered his legendary speech on abortion. Dave went as far as going on live tv and telling the public he wasn’t crazy, he was just really struggling because he was the only one at the time fighting against the narrative, which can often be a suicide mission or a ticket to obscurity. These are three examples of someone speaking up and being deemed crazy, two years later came the nazi stuff and I'm sure we'll have plenty in store for 2024.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the very common pattern of artists dying or having their careers destroyed either after they try to leave their label or threaten to reveal industry secrets. A few more interesting industry connections I made in my research include the connections between:

T.U.G. records and J Cole's independent label Dreamville are both managed by Interscope Records, whose parent company is Universal Music Group.

Universal Music Group also hac Drake's label OvO label as well as Ye and Kendrick's old labels on their roster before they left to form their own independent labels in 2022 (around the same time the disses between Kendrick and Drake started escalating). Finally Bad Boy Records, which is owned by Diddy, and Motown Records who own Diddy's other R&B label Love Records, are also both owned by Universal. This means every label I mention is currently or was previously owned by Universal Music Group.

Ye tried for years to get out of his contract with Defjam, which happens to be ran by Jay Z who is known to be a close associate of Diddy. Jay would always used his money and power to fight against it. Ye even spoke out publicly on a few occasions, including when he said Jay Z was trying to kill him during one of his concerts. My theory is after years of getting nowhere and having his reputation skewered, in 2022 Ye finally said, "Fuck it," and dropped all the anti- Semetic stuff intentionally in a successful attempt to force his label to into using their morality clause, which requires labels to drop an artist if they're accused of any major controversy that could hurt the label’s profits. For the fourth time in four years the media reported he was having a breakdown. Even though they tried to punish him by cutting off all of his sources of income and freezing his accounts he still managed to bounce back pretty quickly. It was often reported how much he was losing, but it rarely discussed how he still was filthy rich in spite of the retrictions. His label wanted to discourage other artists from trying the same thing. My theory is he might have bought Kim or Kylie's alleged sex tape and used it for his own leverage. For Kendrick, his transition to his independent label ApLang went a lot smoother, but he had to split ownership of his new label with the previous manager owner Dave Free. Sadly it's still difficult for new or more niche artists to establish themselves without the some help.

He may be a lot of things but Ye isn’t dumb just because he has a mood disorder and the guys at the top know this, which is why I think he has really played up his diagnosis when it benefitted him. He’s still one of the most talented musicians in the game and I really think he sees his bipolar like a superpower as he says. It’s like his own invisibility cloak. He can go off his meds for a little, make an album after staying up for 72 hours, go on a “psychotic” twitter rant dropping facts throughout, then start up again once he makes enough news headlines. I think it’s worth noting the first divorce rumors in 2020 coincided with Ye’s abortion speech during his presidential run and the cheating accusations. that led to him dropping out and moving to Wyoming, and a couple months ago in February 2024 he was committed again.

The point I’m making is bipolar is complex, but pretty manageable especially if you have a ton of money to find meds that work for you and a good doctor and can keep substance abuse and stress at a manageable level. I think Ye is smart enough to know this, but it’s just safer for him to really play up the mental issues in the media. He’s proven he can literally say whatever he wants after getting cancelled and the average person is just going to write it off as psycho babble. While bias in health care is a sad fact of society, if you can use it to your advantage I say go for it. It might’ve just kept the microscope off of him long enough to plan his attack.

Ye v. Drake: Quotes of 2018
(Start of the beef, drake threats, and suspicion towards Kardashian family. )

“ It’s not about rap. It’s about family. We have to be close as a family and never let these people infiltrate just for radio spins”

“We need to show the world that people can talk without people ending up dead or in jail.”

”This is a man speaking to a man that has been placed in the program to fuck with Kanye West head and set me up“

”See when you care about your family you don’t let no man push you to do nothing that could risk your freedom“

These first four tweets by Ye were all in reference to perceived threats made by Drake after their beef escalated circa 2018. He began speaking on the industry and talking more about his psych hospital commitment two years prior and how he thought they were going to kill him. It's pretty obvious how the whole thing was planned by the sketchy doctor who called it in and his physical trainer who has a ton of connections to weird shit involving his celebrity clients.

I found interesting that Ye might not have been the first major league rapper whose life Drake threatened. During a similar period of mental illness the up and coming rapper XXXtentacion accused Drake of stealing his flow and dissed him a few times. Not long after he made a post online saying if he dies, it was Drake who did it. There are tons of conspiracies online, but none of the evidence is strong enough to draw a definitive connection. Also while it maybe be coincidental, Kendrick’s latest album Mr Morale also painted the picture that Kendrick was dealing with some serious personal issues. Some lines throughout the album may have been used to bait Drake into escalating, but it wasn’t until The Weekend, Future, and Metro Booming dropped, “We Don’t Trust You,” then Drake and J. Cole dropped, “First Person Shooter,” which was followed a couple days later with, “Like That,” where Kendrick started the chain of events that has led us to today.

Kanye vs. Drake: Quotes of 2020

Summary: Ye runs for president and gets suppressed for saying what very well could be the truth and was immediately deemed insane by the media. Kim did a couple interviews and everything he said was immediatly false. There is almost guarenteed to be some sketchy shit going down revolving her and her family. Ye was absolutely terrified of her keeping the kids away from him and it seems like there are still efforts being made to this day to paint a certain image of him for ulterior motives.

Below are six more quotes from a fan taking a deep dive into his 2020 tweets courtesy of u/ thehatstore42069 on Yeezy
”NORTHY I AM GOING TO WAR AND PUTTING MY LIFE ON THE LINE AND IF I AM MURDERED DON’T EVER LET WHITE MEDIA TELL YOU I WASNT A GOOD MAN,” West, 43, wrote in the tweet, adding, “WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU”

"I need a public apology from J Cole and Drake to start with immediately... I'm Nat Turner... I'm fighting for us."

"the utmost respect for all brothers" and said "we need to link and respect each other... no more dissing each other on labels we don't own"

"Ye is constantly trying to tell people that his family does not have his or his kids best interests at heart. He goes on to list others, linking them together with the thinking emoji. These people include rap artist Drake and Larsa Pippen, wife of Scottie Pippe. Kim K is goddaughter to Pippen's daughter, showing how close the families actually are. All of these families that associate with Ye through Kardashian connections, as well as Drake, have been accused of the same thing Kris has. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these people have mixed race children that are groomed from a young age to fuck around with celebrities so the parents can remain famous. Drake on numerous occasions has been accused of grooming girls and then getting handsy on their 18th birthday.”

“These labels want their artists to make them money and they dont care about anything else. When Kanye says things like this in an attempt to expose him, the first thing they wanna do is drug him up and put him back in the studio.”
“Righteous indignation is typically a reactive emotion of anger over mistreatment, insult, or malice of another. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. This is how they keep the black man down. Keep people outraged about trivial things and distract them from the real issues in the world. The real problems in the industry. If you tell people enough times that they are unequal or discriminated against they start to believe it. Drug them when they step out of line and toss them aside when the checks run out. Ye is realizing he is pawn in a bigger game, and now that he has all these roots in the game such as Yeezy or the Gap or his music, too many people cant risk (Afford) a Ye who speaks his mind.”
(End of quotes)

Amongst the twitter rant, Ye warned about the predatory nature of record deals and discussed trying to get out of his own deal, and said again how his life may be in danger if it wasn’t already and was doing anything he could to protect his kids. The most fascinating part to me though is the public call to arms he made to Drake, J Cole, and Kendrick on twitter. After inviting them to all link up, he said, “It’s time to get free, we will not argue amongst each other while some guy we don’t know in Europe is getting paid and putting that money in a hedge fund.” I believe if Ye was able to pull off this meeting, there is an ever so slight chance that all four artists might be working together to take down a greater enemy. Weirdly there have been times throughout the last couple years where these supposed enemies were photographed together being friendly or praise each other in interviews, then out of no where the disses would start flying again.

To wrap things up I want to share my a few of my theories about the Drake/Kanye beef

A. Everything is exactly as it seems and the beef is over. Ye let his mental illness ruin his life and career so Drake simply picked another target after Ye stopped putting out disses. All of these connections are just a coincidence and all of this was choreographed to boost Drake and Kendrick’s music sales and possibly distract people from the Diddy trial and possibly the complicated geopolitical issues currently facing the U.S.

C. There is also the possibility that all four rappers are in cahoots and Drake’s dirt isn’t as extreme as people are theorizing, at least in comparison to the rest of the business. This could explain why everything has played out like a movie and how they were able to predict each other’s moves so well. This could either mean they’re all just trying to boost their sales or they’re all trying to take down the “slave masters,” as Ye calls them, and change the dynamic of the music industry in favor of the artist.

D. They may be trying to help their friends in the industry who are being abused or in shitty contracts. I know a lot of famous rappers have done a lot of collaborations with Jhene Aiko and Anderson Paak, who were both signed to T.U.G. records which I mentioned above in the connections to Universal Music Group. Considering they are both frequent collaborators with all of the artists involved on both sides, it’s not unlikely they may have played some part in influencing the takedown.

T.U.G was started by Chris Stokes with his partner Ketrina Askew. Back in the early to mid 90’s were gaining popularity attracting lots of young up and coming talent. They often collaborated with Diddy and his associates. In the 2000’s Raz B from the boy band B2K claimed he was molested by Stokes and his friend Marques Houston, then quickly retracted his claims. Years later he came forward again and said we was bribed into silence and that the rest of the victims were bribed with hush money and had another singer corroborate his story and they came forward together to level the accusations. After some of his former B2K members made fun of him for his claims and accused it of being a shakedown, Raz B revealed Stokes and Houston had preyed a lot of the children associated with the label including at least one of the former bandmates and paid them off.

I thought it was worth noting that the second whistleblower named Quindon Tarver died young in a car crash after mentioning his abuse again a few years prior. He seems to have left the industry not long after the incidents occurred and has few credits to his name. To this day Raz B is still trying to get his justice, while Stokes and his partner Askew, who was also involved in the abuse are still running the label to this day. Askew also has a ton of lawsuits, accusing her of using shady tactics to try to foreclose on houses. (Don’t quote me if a lawyer wants to take a look just google her full name), and has been tied to a ton of LLCs, similar to Drake. This is a good example of a shitty record deal, but I'm sure they have countless other friends in the industry who have even worse. While they were never convicted even Chris Stokes' wife confirmed it to be true.

E. The theory I personally think fits the narrative best and is the most realistic conspiracy is that Kendrick and possibly J. Cole went to the meeting, but not Drake due to his close relationship with Lucian Grange, the president of Drake’s label. Silence often speaks louder than words and this could explain why Kendrick was so ruthless and put so much effort into finding dirt on Drake. Ye, Cole, and Kendrick co-writing would be like the rap allstar team and if J. Cole wasn’t involved, it would also answer the question of whether or not he baited Drake into the battle by asking him to feature. I don’t think Drake is really their primary target though, which would explain letting him off easy. Compared to his bosses and their bosses he’s a small fish. If you take the big guys down you stand a better chance of landing a bigger blow on their operation.

Another really interesting connection is Kendrick and Ye were both signed under Universal Music Group and they both got out of their deals around couple months apart in 2022. As we speak U.M.G’s CEO Lucian Grange, who is often acccused of giving Drake special treatment, is facing charges related to sex trafficking by no other than P Diddy. This could very well explain the timing of it all. The craziest timeline would be Diddy masterminding all of this and using his connections to get it done and all the allegations are bullshit. The guy does seem pretty confident all things considered and constantly posts himself in his Batman costume which could mean he’s a vigilante.

It seems like there's a slight religious angle as well. (Ye and Diddy are both very vocal advocates of Christianity and Drake and Lucian Grange are both Jewish.) Obviously this is a reach, but they’ve been saying rap music was specifically promoted by mostly white label owners in the 80’s to help in the ongoing effort to expedite the systematic oppression of those living in black neighborhoods and the destruction of their family systems. Apparently it was an intentional decision to heavily promote rappers that promoted the very things that were destroying their neighborhoods. (So people know I'm and atheist and have zero agenda, I just thought it was interesting, please stay away from anything antisemitic. War is wrong on both sides.)

*** If my favorite theory is true, there is a possibility the Kendrick and Ye are going after Drake due to their mutual disdain for him and because he’s got a ton of power to dominate the charts and hog the radio airtime like Meek Mill and OG Maco claimed years ago. Even him dropping a record the same day as you could really fuck your album sales up. I’m also sure some of the many rumors throughout the years have had a least some truth and he will most likely snitch to avoid cell block one. I think that Drake could have been instructed to instigate this whole mess in order to draw attention away from the UMG charges brought about by Diddy. Or on the other hand it could be that Kendrick, Ye, and possibly Cole, may have had intel that Drake was going to be involved in the Diddy trial and are just gonna let the receipts show themselves. It might not have been the original plan, but they’ve already accomplished their mission of humiliating him, assuring he couldn’t use his influence to slide through the cracks, and taking over the throne.

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt I have no connection to this world or lifestyle. Regardless I believe all of the knowledge above does a pretty solid job at painting a picture of what may have let up to this and what may have been the source.
——————————-
More details found the last couple days…

Drake and Diddy Connections+Coincidences

Drake- In the P Diddy wig video from 2016 he talks about going to party with Drake, Cash, and The Weeknd in Toronto. Drake is also one of Birdman’s protégées who is known for being a predator and is rumored to have used label artists to lure young women.

Travis Scott- Interview where he comes out and says Diddy tried to lure him. Still has a long history of associating with him, video of him running from Diddy, his connection to Ruby Rose while underage.

Tim Westwood- Diddy had connections with sex offender Tim Westwood who also inspired the Drake song, “Westwood”. They also both were victims of drive by shootings along with The Weekend and they were all facing some type of allegations.

T.I.- Also has been associate with Diddy through the years, in 2021 his kid died and 11 women can forward at the same time to accuse him and his wife of drugging and assaulting them. Clearly someone wanted to fuck his life up. Possibly due to him getting arrested so many times for wild shit and people wondering how he continued to get away with it shining a light on how powerful industry lawyers are. He also had recently talked about having a gynecologist check to see if his daughter is still a Virgin, which sounds like it could have been an industrty secret. Could have been because he worried about someone trying to take advantage of her to get to him? Regardless that shit is fucking insane.

50 Cent- Has been saying pretty much the same thing as Travis Scott and has trolled Diddy for most of his career. It came out that his wife was a sex worker who was possibly recruited Diddy to help ruin his career. It sort of worked, which raises the question if 50 Cent is the only victim.

Ray J- Him and his sister worked with T.U.G. records when they were very young. Chris Stokes in the nineties who had connections with Diddy. He has been involved in a lot of sex scandals and allegedly may have played a part in Whitney Houston's death. (Which is also allegedly connected to Michael Jackson's death and both were deemed suspicious and happened during their final tours when their masters (song rights), became more valuable than their lives. Sony Records and Tommy Motolla, who also abused Mariah Carey when she was trying to start her career. These are just a few of the alleged examples of labels taking out musicians when they were worth more dead, another is the signing of high risk artists and requiring them to get life insurance so they can profit beyond releasing all their posthumous records. Also the ever so common story of the rising star artist that die at 21 after their first album or two.

He also partied with Diddy in Vegas with along Floyd Mayweather and a bunch of other famous industry people and athletes.

Tory Lanez- Tons of blackmail, also was signed by Interscope under UMG. got sent to prison for ten years after trying to leave his label. Also history of SA and and other allegations of violence towards women.

French Montana- On Diddy's label, close with Rick and Khaled, tons of drug and sexual assault allegations, also dated a Kardashian. Generally grimy.

DJ Khaled- Diddy said he could get anything in Miami, either referring to drugs or women, could explain his connections and lack of any notable talent. (New update, he was one of the first to promote Chris Alvarez’s instagram not long after he turned 18).

Rick Ross- Diddy said some weird shit about him and licked his lips and kissed him at a show. Ross is also signed to Bad Boy under Diddy. He ended up getting involved in the current feud and spamming social media nonstop dissing and threatening Drake.

A lot of the back and forth was both of them threatening to release dirt on each other. One strange coincidence I found was Drake recently trolled Ross about the 20 million dollar renovation to his home on Star island, where Diddy is currently residing. It’s rumored back in the day that P Diddy was caught in a room full of rich guys on ecstasy possibly at the beginning stages of a gay orgy. Drake also mentioned in the same tweets about Rick Ross that Birdman owned a house on the island and asked Rick Ross why he didn’t help him out.

Considering Ross is so sketchy and Drake claims the house isn’t that big, that’s a ridiculous amount of money. He may be covering up evidence, or creating tunnels in his house to escape if shit pops off and Drake might know what’s good. Interestingly enough Ross is very close with French Montana and also signed to Bad. He said his beef was related to something involving French, and Drake’s tweet popped up the same day the info came out concerning the Chris Alvarez stuff.

The famous line from U.O.E.N.O.

Meek Mill- “OG Maco called himself defending his friend Quentin Miller by substantiating the ghostwriting claims and agreeing with Meek. He hit up Twitter saying, "Some of us been knew. Meek just put it in the air. Sucks to have to compete with 6 n****s and get compared to”

Meek mill also had a short beef with Drake, some disses included lines referring to TI’s homie pissing on Drake at the movie theater, which is also interesting considering the current case against him. He also dropped a line saying Diddy almost got a domestic charge when he smacked Drake, which could either be saying that Drake is like a woman, or saying he was Drake’s boyfriend/sugar daddy.
( If you made it to the end comment with the number 8)
I thought it was interesting how the beef just kind of disappeared and even Meek said it didn’t seem genuine. Considering the allegations against Meek in the Diddy trial, and his rumored affair with Kim contributing to ending Kanye’s marriage, Meek Mill definitely did some dirt on him.

“Niggas frauds I told the truth, don't ask me shit
All this industry fake enemy and rap shit”

“Money make a sucker that told look trill again”

One of the many chapters in Drake's history in which he is seen paying his way out of trouble and starting beefs randomly.
“Now when that shit went down with Chris, you wrote a check”
This line is referring to Chris brown beef, another beef that was lost to time. All I can remember off the top was someone throwing a champagne bottle at the other’s entourage.

Ty Dolla $ign- Huge feature artist, close with Ye. Grew up in the industry and talks about growing up on the road and being in the studio with his dad and Rick James who was should have already been in prison for life for dragging, torturing, and S assaulting multiple women and children throughout his career and was himself a victim of the industry. May be part of Ye's motivation, considering their recent close working relationship.
The end.
Courtesy of,
The Randomest Moniker

This will be my first time ever openly sharing about my addiction; from the root cause to the effects and struggles that having a porn addiction has impacted my life to this day
So I just recently turned 21 and I'm beginning to look around and realize that for as long as I've acknowledged that I have a problem and need to quit, I keep feeding the addiction KNOWING that it's ruining my life. I'm going to split this post into 3 sections explaining the following stages: The root causes/early development, Progression of my addiction to current day, and Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal. Not exactly sure why I'm posting this but I just feel like it's something I need to let out. Hope someone can relate or give me their take on it.
The root causes/early development: So I believe that my PA manifested due to a few different reasons: Playing "doctor" with my sister as a child, early age porn exposure, and then using porn as a coping mechanism to deal with any negative emotions. So starting w/ "playing doctor", it first happened at a very young age, somewhere between elementary school to 6th grade. I think most people know what that is but to keep it short basically my sister who is a year older than me introduced my to basically role playing as doctor and patient. I wasn't sure if SHE even knew it was wrong but the point is, it happened. I genuinely don't think she was doing in an abusive way but I'll never know. I don't remember the small details of exactly how it happened but what leads me to think this was a factor that contributed to my porn addiction is that I know now as an adult that it's wrong, however as we "played doctor" I only grew to enjoy it and occasionally we took things outside of "playing doctor" - which is why I don't know what to make of it... Long story short it went from "doctor" to us making up our own games like "spy" where we pretended to fight each other as spy's, getting "knocked out" unconscious while she'd touch... and I specifically remember wanting to play these games in hopes that it led to that. But even outside of playing games I grew to wanting to touch her and act on perverted thoughts as a child that were NOT normal for my age or in general. And sometimes I would sneakily act on them - which as I'm reflecting on right now makes me think that me KNOWINGLY trying to be sneaky and act on perverted thoughts at that young of an age had to have carried on with me as I got older (contributing to my porn addiction).. And then the last thing that I vividly remember was when I was probably 10-12 years old is when again we were actually kind of aggressively play fighting, somehow ended up with each other's hands DOWN THERE mutually and we kept going on with each other until she made me.... yeah. And that was the last memory I had of what started out as us "playing doctor". Fast forward to current date since that last memory and we've never spoken about those experiences (more on that later). Going onto the actual exposure of pornography and WATCHING porn, I was exposed to it somewhere in between the same timeframe as when I'd play doctor and the last memory of us playing (somewhere between the ages of 8-12). I can vividly remember the scene that played late at night on the tv that my parents had left on (I shared a room with them). And then moving forward from there, somewhere in between I would find videos on YouTube of this "prank" channel where he'd go up to paid actors, bet that if he beat them in rock paper scissors that they'd have to make out with him. And as a young kid at the time seeing a girl in a bikini making out with a guy as he grabbed on her ass just made me horny and I learned to masturbate from there. And I cant think of a stronger dopamine hit for a 8-12 year old little me at the time than seeing those videos and pleasuring myself. After this, I'd hit middle school where I was bullied a lot, all while lacking social skills necessary to make any genuine friends or deal with the emotional turmoil of being bullied. Fast forward a few months and I think I just progressively began to normalize using porn as a coping mechanism - All the way from whenever I just got mad while dying repetitively on the videogame, to avoiding the fact that I hated my life everyday that I went to school. I'd use porn to receive that "good feeling" whenever I could. And I think my sexual addiction got worse when I began touching myself in the shower almost everyday in middle school to the imagination of the pretty girls that were at my school, even though I had neverarely talked to some of them. It was just a thing for me where every night I took a shower, I closed my eyes and fantasized about doing stuff with them. And then the cycles of me normalizing these things continued and eventually I found out about REAL porn sites.
Progression of my addiction to current day: So shortly after finding the real porn sites I entirely opted to use those as much as possible as the cycle continued. So by my freshman year of high school I was already using porn sites regularly. I remember during summer and winter breaks, sometimes I'd sleep at my grandmas and stay up all night switching from ejaculating to porn, to watching my favorite youtuber and streamers, to going back to jerking off. It was a multiple times a day/night occurrence OFTEN. Sometimes even during the middle of the day I'd pretend to use the bathroom but really I had a porn video pulled up and I watched until I was done. And as time progressed one video didn't exactly cut it for me. I don't think its that I couldn't get off to the first video, but more so that I just had the urge to see more and didn't want to nut yet. I didn't even know if I was purposely edging or not. I did not even understand that edging was a concept yet. Its just something that occurred naturally for me. And during all of this, I am still somewhere in the age range of 13-15. Consistently ejaculating to pornography, further exploring the more basic categories of porn like anal and lesbian. I think a notable memory was one of the first times I watched porn in the middle of work during summer break (extended family owns a construction company so I worked over breaks). It's crazy because in construction all we have are porta-potties that are always hot and nasty and the urge just came over me one day to pretend like I was using the bathroom and get one off before I went back... I don't think I even realized at the time that I had an addiction because this was still early high school. It was just something I looked at as a good feeling and whenever the urges came to me I took any chance I got to fulfill them. Even if I was sharing a room with a family member, I'd be as slow and quit as I could, touch myself under the covers, finish in my underwear and then showechange the next morning like it was normal. Moving forward, this type of behavior continues all the way throughout high school and the feeling of ejaculating just is not as intense as it use to be, so I look up ways to spice it up and I tried shit all the way from sitting on my own hand til it goes sort or numb so it "feels like someone else is touching you", to doing it in more risky places like my backyard outside when I was home alone and had my pants pulled down all the way, to whatever else I could try. Reflecting back, I just look at all these actions as the progressions of a sexual/porn addiction that is still developing. And this is how I rationalize the way I developed a porn addiction. Now it wasn't AWFUL in high school but it was getting bad. I realized that I had actually had a bad addiction that needed to be addressed a few months after graduating high school. From that point forward It was something that I had acknowledged was an issue but nonetheless, continued to do out of habit and as a continued coping mechanism. Whether it was from the lack of relationships, to my current life situation/direction I was headed in, or just any negative emotion - I used porn to release. Sometimes I'd even just do it out of boredom, not even because I had a dying urge to get one off. And then after that point of realization, I sat in "depression" for a few months still going about my everyday life until one day my dad mentioned that I should try therapy. He knew nothing about the addiction but I did let him know I feel depressed and the many struggles that I faced - which I believe is due to my porn addiction. So long story short, I go to therapy for about 3 sessions and end up dropping it because it just wasn't something I felt was helping or enjoyed (more on that later). From there to current day, I've gone at MOST one week periods attempting to quit porn and every time I relapse. From the age of 1 to-current day 21 years old, the progression of the categories of porn that I watch has grown and a few different fetishes like face sitting, femdom, and role play has increased. I don't NEED to watch these specific categories to get off, however these are ones I've found myself most recently watching and edging to, sometimes for 1-3 hours at a time, usually at night on weekends or before I fall asleep. And to take it a step further, I had started pouring money into camgirl sites, phone sex sites, only fans, etc.. I live with my parents still so it's not to the point that I'm broke and have no money, but still what the fuck am I doing putting my hard earned money into a porn addiction... (I'm a functioning adult on a pathway to financial freedom, more on this later).
Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal: So I believe that the main struggles with my porn addiction consist of: the inability/struggle to create and maintain healthy relationships, low self esteem, poor social skills, lack of motivation, and the cognitive dissonance of continuing my addiction to porn even though morally I believe it is wrong to lust over. I believe all of these struggles that come with porn are connected to each other - minus the cognitive dissonance. But everything else kind of stacks on top of each other. So my thought process is that I already dealt w/ low self esteem and confidence from a very young age, and porn just completely enhanced those problems and made it even harder to fix/work on. If you're anything like me and have watched videos on the sciences of porn on your brain, and possible struggles that we deal with, I'm assuming you know how it goes for the most part. I'd say I show symptoms of all effects of being a porn addict, however I've learned to "act normal" to an extent. Like YES I struggle to make friends and hold conversations with people in general but I can make it happen. Sure it'll be a little awkward depending on who I'm speaking to, but I feel like I act normal enough to not be a total outcast and all out weirdo around people. But I just feel like every relationship I have with anyone is extremely surface level or unfulfilling. I feel like as a person I lack so much substance and personality due to the fact that I never really put myself out there and learned social skills when I was coming up. My mindset was molded into something like "keep your head down and stay out the way" in order to avoid conflict. So I never really put myself out there to develop any type of super crazy/interesting personality. I work, play videogames, go to the gym, watch anime. I feel like there's not much else - which might also be a side affect of my porn addiction. Lack of emotion. And I refuse to call it depression. Kind of got red pilled by Andrew Tate Philosophy and it entirely HAS helped me. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not - because when I was fresh out of high school and hyper focused on the bad parts of my life, I felt depressed as shit. Legit like I couldn't do anything to fix it. And the more I identified as "depressed" the more I allowed myself to look for things in my life to confirm that belief. So eventually I went on a self improvement journey and just stopped allowing "depression" to hold power over me. Now I don't believe in it so it's not something that can hold me down in that crippling way. HOWEVER, I DO believe in just being in a shitty situation - which is what I feel like having a porn addiction along with it's effects and symptoms is. It's a shitty situation and I can either allow it to keep ruining my life OR I can get up everyday and attempt to fix it. And I refuse to play the victim card. Sure, I may have been exposed to some fucked up shit at a young age and used porn as a coping mechanism. There is no denying that it happened and that it may have been unfair and out of my control. YES, that's my problem. I may be a victim of pornography but I do not have to ALLOW it to continue to ruin my life. Easier said than done but it's definitely possible and I will not blame my lack of discipline or call it "depression" because I'm unable to quit. The way I see it is, there is a lot of shit that happened to me in the past that I have to come to terms with, and then I must come up with a plan to improve and learn how to be better. For example, struggling to hold eye contact with people, hold basic conversation with people (specifically women), find confidence within myself, become more social, etc... These are all skills that we can practice and learn. Simply by going outside and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations that allow us to put the reps in. I believe that if I quit porn and start walking up to 10 strangers a day and try having simple conversations with them, in time I can only get better at being social and connecting with people. It's gonna suck and feel like shit at first, but I truly believe that it's a way to improve and get better. As I stand in my current situation I would say I have a lot of work to do but I'm still a functioning addict. I have friendships and relationships with family but they are very lack luster and I long for something deeper and more intimate. I know I'm not ugly and have the ability to pull a good looking girl, shit I've turned down this really pretty girl who always asks to hangout simply due to the fact that I feel like I'm gonna fuck it up and have bad social skills. And its getting to a point where friends and family are wondering why I haven't had a girlfriend in years. Overall its a lack of self esteem, which hinders me from being able to confidently put myself out there as a person who's deserving of love/companionship, which then makes me sort of self isolate and stray away from any type of connection or opportunity to be vulnerable. Which just leads me to feeling like a loser or someone that is undeserving of love because I'm just in a shitty situation. And yeah. Its kind of a self sabotaging cycle because I feel like I understand what's going on but I don't have the discipline and don't put the work in to get better. But that's just my two cents. This post was extremely long and I probably rifted off topic a few times and had my thoughts all over the place, and I still have a lot more I could give input about but this is the jist of everything
If anyone has a support group or needs someone to talk to, 1. I'd like to join the group, or 2. Feel free to message me for any support or conversation.

Hello, I really need advice, I will try to give as much background as possible. I’m a female age 25, he is male age 43. We just made it past a year together.
2 weeks ago i typed this up but couldnt find out how to post it lol: My boyfriend has made it very clear that he is not okay with, as he puts it, “new male friends”. Hes okay with my male friend I’ve had since before we got together (except one, that I decided to let it go because it wasn’t worth it anyways).
I was in a school program for 7 months, I was the class “ambassador” as they call it, people came to me with any questions and I would give everyone my number if they had questions, our teacher actually asked this of us. I was passing all my classes with 98% and above.
Queue a new student, A, weird quirky dude, plays a game that none of my current friends do (league of legends).
Fast forward to one night, my boyfriend has already gone to sleep - and I’m up late with my little brother and A and we made plans for the next morning to play a different game that I had just bought, all three of us. Not A and I alone, me my little brother AND A. I go to sleep thinking I will text my boyfriend whats up when I wakeup - but he calls me at 705AM out of my sleep before I ever planned to wakeup and asks me to play a game with him. I said I’m sorry I can’t I already made plans with my little brother and A - here starts our relationship issues.
Tonight it has come down to if I don’t cut A out of my life we are over. He already brokeup with me technically 2 weeks ago over the same thing but I came by the house and fought for the relationship.
He always crosses my boundaries (seperate issue sorry), I ask him not to drink because when he drinks he is an asshole and … can scream at me or be a little crazy (never physical abuse) but yeah, and I’ve always forgiven him. He tells me I’m controlling that I ask him not to drink, but its from lived experienced while with him that weve both come to the conclusion that he should not drink.
I’ve never been friends with another “male” (as he says) and been unfaithful or been shady, in fact I have only played games with A 3 times, and ALWAYS with my little brother involved.
Tonight he got a beer of course, and he freaked out on me and everything tells me this relationship isnt healthy but I love him so much
I guess my base question is: is it okay to restrict someone from having friends?
He always says ok well if you have male friends I’m gunna go get female friends - I feel like that he is doing it in a spiteful way so therefore it has malicious intent and I don’t like that, but under normal circumstances yes go ahead. I trust him to never cheat on me (sober).
I’m just so lost 😞
I’m sorry if this isnt right for this reddit, I just need advice.

• current

I’m not one of those girls that has a ton of male friends, I just so happened to make this one while going to class everyday. The basis of the friendship was the games we both had in common. I had no malicious intent.
We are in couples therapy now, weve had one session. I put A on hiatus so I can work on my relationship, but today A messaged me asking when we can game. I told him to please respect the space I asked for and that I would reach out when I’m ready (with my boyfriends consent).
I wanted to transparent with my boyfriend tonight so when he got off work I let him know that A reached out to me and it seemed to make him upset. He did the whole thing he did before sayinf he was going to get female friends specifixay one named Staceyfrom work whom I’ve never even heard of!!
Its just frustratinf. Sometimes I wonder if I just let go of this one thing we could be happy and I could get married and have kids, besides this one thing hes really great to me.
Would someone more "submissive" be better for him? I’m starting to wonder if maybe we just don’t mesh together because of this one thing - but isnt that stupid to throw a whole relationship away?
Please be kind, only constructive advice - I’m open to all perspectives but I just ask that you be kind
Thank you
Edit: read what the automod said, please ignore any "is this okay" questions but I did try to delete them already - just looking for advice!

I love my husband. He’s my life. He’s educated, kind, handsome and smart. Everyone really likes and respects him. He has some really good friendships he’s maintained since childhood. We have been together 7 years married for 3. He’s kind, he’s loving he does anything I ask of him and to make me happy. He says he would die for me and I believe he really does love me that much. We have a house and 3 pets we love. He has told some small white lies over the years but nothing bad or malicious.
My sisters always disliked my husband because of his age and his 2 divorces. My mom claims to really like him now but used to really hate him. I think she’s changed her tune because of the money we give. Still even my mother I fear is talking badly about him meanwhile he sends her 400 just because he worries and she struggles.
He’s 13 years older but i’m in my mid-thirties
My husband and I have given 20k combined to keep my mom and sisters afloat after my father died. My sisters are in their late 20s
After my dad passed away we quarantined with my family during covid and my sisters have hated my husband since. He paid for dinners and groceries and they shunned him and didn’t speak to him much. He felt hurt and excluded and retreated. They claim he made the situation about him. He was hurt and felt helpless.
They say he’s mentally unstable because he sent a video of him self apologizing to my sister and cried in it because he felt bad about their fight. They don’t want him knowing their adresses including my sisters husband which is weird because he hardly knows my husband at all. I was shocked and blindsided by this. My husband wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s a lover not a fighter and would never do something to harm someone.
I feel He really poured his heart out in that and since she wasn’t speaking to him wanted to branch out.
My sister ordered a really expensive meal when we paid for everyones dinner and she said he was looking mad at her. He asked her to please not gaslight him and he wasn’t mad. She said he yelled at her told him to basically f off and never spoke to him again.
They also feel he mocks them and lies. I am torn between the heartache of loving my husband and defending them and my sisters who I love. I feel crazy because to me this is not who he is and they make me feel like i’m not seeing him clearly. In our day to day lives we are happy and comfortable. The fighting with sister stressed me out so badly I developed a temporary thyroid issue
I feel depressed and alone. I feel ill over this. My husband says we’ll take it on together. But I know things will always be this way. I am so hurt and angry.

it's like this one episode of vinland saga. the old lady nurses that kid who would kill 100s in their village just did it because she believes in that way of thinking. and even when she saw him swinging those daggers and killing 100s. still chose to leave and not turn on him, probably to take care of her daughter. she had no beef, she was sad, but it wasn't her, and that kid had felt regret.
Insults make up your day. I couldn't realize what a counselor was telling me, but they do. if you're in anyway self-deprecating, beating yourself up, and confused why you feel so awful. pay attention to all the words being used around you.
perhaps I'll get the same sarcasm as anyone else complaining on the internet. it's pretty funny in retrospect. but I just think if anyone is like me out there, and they're being respectful here in the comments, but let it all fly in their relationships/friendships. then I'd like to say you aren't crazy for feeling stressed.

Okay so I haven’t really “been” in a sibling-friendship phase or whatever you want to call it. But I have friends who say it all the time but I literally just think it’s just a coverup for like a toxic friendship. It’s all over the internet as well, and having a “sibling phase” or a “best friend who’s like a sister” relationship they always talk about how they fight ALL the time. And for my friends it’s that way too. They seem to be always fighting, usually over nonsense things. And whenever they get into these arguments, it’s usually only one of them that starts it. And then that friend won’t talk to the other friend knowing they’re upset and want to talk about the situation, but will let them sit there not knowing where the friendships stands, and I’m the one that has to hear about it in the end. They also usually separate themselves from the group, literally walking away in their own without the rest of the group while we’re out and leaving us on our own in places we don’t know where we are. Talking about people in the group on their own, or handing out just 1 on 1. Which I wouldn’t really mind that much but it’s mostly the principle of the situation (it feels like they don’t care as much about us/me) And then we/I have to deal with the backlash of their falling outs? And it’s not just a once every few months thing when they fight/argue. It’s MULTIPLE times a month, to the point where I was actually anxious to go out with them because I was scared they were going to get into a fight.
I just kind of wanted some advice for how to deal with this. And to see if I’m being crazy abt this or not. Actually at this point after a huge argument with those two friends and another friend in the group I’m not really sure if there IS a friendship with them anymore, but I just want to see if anyone else agrees and thinks this is toxic or is it like normal?
Thanks for reading and pls share your thoughts

This is gonna sound super dumb when i write it out but here we go. So, obviously by the title, I have a bestfriend. I know I am also her best friend, her number 1 type of thing. If she had to pick 1 person to do anything with she’d choose me - and i’m aware of that. But for some reason, whenever she begins talking about or even so much as MENTIONS another friend, I get strangely angry. I’ve tried to find out why i get so mad but I just can’t work it out. I KNOW I’m her best friend, she wouldn’t choose anyone over me, but if for one second she mentions another friend i can’t stand it? There’s especially this one girl. They aren’t even very close which is why it’s so weird, but whenever she brings her up i genuinely just do not want to hear it. The only way i can so much as bear the conversation is if Im involved and i know what’s going on. Whereas when she says ‘oh, ____ was so funny today she[______]’ it just gets me so angry. almost like “how can you have fun without me?” The main problem with this, and why I KNOW it’s a problem is; I have other friends. To be fair tho, she also doesn’t like me having friendships separate to her for example i’ve got another close friend, and my best friend HATES her too. she wants to be my only number 1. I know i’m allowed friends and I do know she can have friends too, I just really want to figure out why i can’t stand her talking to anyone but I can do it perfectly fine. I know it’s not fair on her ( she doesn’t know i feel this way btw i never vocalise it ) but i honestly just want advice on how to not feel this way because like i said - i also have other friends and she very much should be allowed other friends too. Just read over that and I sound crazy, but had to get it off my chest somehow.

Please be kind.
I (42F, ISFP-T) caught feelings for my (33M) friend (ISTJ). I was pretty flirty til he told me he doesn’t think there is any point to dating anyone since he doesn’t want to get married or have kids. I pulled back since then. I still have feelings but I respect his boundaries. In passing I mentioned flirting with him and we ended up discussing it a bit via text, with him thanking me for being open and clear, and saying he was glad he knew because he’d suspected I was flirting “with romantic interest”. He has said we are good and I also feel that way, but because of who I am and some of my past, I’m struggling with feeling awkward and like I did something wrong. I asked him if we could meet in person to talk this out a bit and clear the air. It’s important to me because my usual MO is to either freak out and get clingy or to disappear on the person and I’d like to avoid both these outcomes. I truly, honestly value this man’s friendship and kindness in my life and want our friendship to grow. He has agreed to meet with me on Friday to talk. It’s very important to me that I get my message across without causing him unnecessary discomfort. All I want to say is that I have feelings for him, but I understand he doesn’t date and that I respect his boundaries, and that he can trust me to be able to put my feelings aside and that I don’t want things to be awkward.
Am I crazy here? Have I already effed this up beyond repair? I’m going to try very hard to focus on facts and not be emotional. Which is really hard for me. I am honest to a fault though even if I’m crying while I’m being honest 🙄

Worst to best
1: Kerry 3/10 - I felt she was only really on the show for her music career, also she was a mean girl and formed that “blonde clique” in the house
2: DeAnn 4.3/10 - she was really chill but I did feel like she was kind of just there…
3: Amiee 4.6/10 - she was so unbelievably annoying but she gave us entertainment when nobdy would so gotta give it too her
4: Jodie 5/10 - I feel she gets way too much hate, she was wrong in the Leslie situation for not truly sticking up for her, but also I understand why she didn’t say anything to that guy cause he was a creep and then was dying Hwo he has men that can beat them up….she was honestly a baddie and was chill, bit of a bitch but I did like her
5: Andrea 5.5/10 - awww she was such a sweetheart like bless her honestly, I feel she didn’t do much or there wasn’t enough of her for me to truly feel a bond with her
6: Joanna: 5.7/10 - I liked her aswell she was really chill but I also feel the same ways she did t do much for me to truly remember her
7: Zara: 6/10 - she was a bitch but she was really entertaining, I like her and Tomik’s storyline. She gave us drama when the show got dry, but I feel like everyone forgets she was racist. How eve to will say she needed help, especially when the new girls came in she started cutting herself. That house wasn’t for it by the need of the season.
8: Ripsi 8.3/10 - it’s crazy how she in was in for 3 episodes get is arguably the most memorable girl in the house. She gave us drama, entertainment and I feel wasnted to see her have her character growth. She defo has alcoholic issues and she even said she was wanted to change to be a better person. Also her calling out Zara’s racism was all the most best.
9: Tyla 8.7/10 - literally was such an entertaining person, she really wanted to change and I appreciate that for her. She was just so likeable in every way, I loved her a Leslie’s friendship and was really sad to see her go but Amiee needed that ass whopping
10: Leslie 9.2/10 - literally perfect, she genuinely had no flaws and I’ve never heard anything negative about her ever. She stood her ground, defended Jodie from a creep, and her friendship with Ty was so nice to watch. Also she was really on there to change for the better, she even left because she felt nobdy was wanting to improve as people and she couldn’t be in that environment. Literally the best girl in the house

to start lets call this guy Joshua. We are in a snowboarding club together, and met this past december. The club goes on trips ski/boarding 5 times in a semester, and people get pretty close from this. We both are 2nd year college students. The club is also very very much degens. He's a huge stoner who lives with his childhood best friends. They're all really close.
I am new to the club this year, and we had met a few times but we were not really close or spoke much. He lives in the same complex as me at college, and i started seeing Joshua on the bus line.
Josh is a pretty friendly guy, but always really surface level. He seems on the shyer side, close with his friends but he doesnt talk much to girls. He's known for being pretty closed off.
Our ski season ends around the end of February. Him and his roommates put it out in the neighborhood club group chat to come hangout and play some drinking games. My roommate went with me, she's also in club. After the night playing games, she turned to me and was like "josh def is interested in you" and I had also started to notice how cute he was that night. So the combination resulted in a little more interest than just noticing how cute he was
I'm in a sorority, so i asked him to a date party a week later. he seemed hesitant to go, but I reassured him it wasn't a big deal, and I could ask someone else, if it didnt work out. He went with me to the party, and was a really fun date. We both were drinking, and when we got home, he asked me straight up "do you like me?" I told him that prior to this week no. and that it hadn't been more than a friendly date, and i was a little interested but he could turn me down right then. He agreed that he hadn't been interested in more than friends but that night had sparked an interest. He told me he liked me, somehow that night spiraled into games at his apartment with our friends, and we were walking around the neighborhood aimlessly, chatting away til 3 am. He told me his fear of relationships, and taking things further than friends. That he'd never been ina serious relationship. maybe just friends with benefits at the furthest, with a girl he'd been friends with since childhood.
He asked what I was looking for, and I told him, the idea of friends with benefits scared me, because you have one foot in, one foot out, and someone is always going to walk away hurt. "So you're looking for a boyfriend." again he always seemed to catch me off guard. I told him eventually, but we don't know each other well enough to pursue anything serious, so let's just get to know each other.
We made plans, and the next two weeks were filled with group hangouts that had serious eye contact, and being inseperable. Our friends caught on. But it seemed pretty friendly. til our big camping event. I wanted to ask him to formals, he had DDed me while he was sick, and studied with me when he didn't have any work to do, we'd spent a lot of time together, and he seemed really interested. we were both drinking yet again, and I asked him to formals and he told me "IDK if i want a relationship yet, but I really like you. "
he voiced to me his big fear was FOMO from his close friend group.
that night we were cuddled up by the fire, wandering around together, things were really good. He came back to my tent and we kissed a while too, stayed up all night, and watched the sunrise. I told him if it was a one time/hookup situation he was looking for, to leave me alone. Instead he offered to come over and hangout with me and the cat that night, he kissed me again, and we had two more days of hanging out with friends, and him coming over after to spend time with me and watch our show.
It felt like he was really opening up to me a few days before formals, but as he would open up more, he would also start to pull away physically. No more kissing, just cuddling, and he seemed very nervous. He voiced his fear of FOMO again, saying that we'd spent a lot of time together and he still wanted to see his friends
Formals came around and the night before he noted that he didnt know the time/date until just then. he still wanted to go, but the actual formal rolled around and his roommates had friends over and when he showed up at my door he wasnt in the best of moods.
We had a really great night after that though, pregame was a lot of fun, he held my hand throughout the night and we even danced a little.
He was attentive, and when i had been in the bathroom too long he was looking for me instead of just sitting with our mutual friends.
That night though, once we got home, the plan had been to change, and then head over to our friends but we sat down and realized we were pretty drunk
I was tired, and he wanted to leave to see our friends. I started to hammer him with questions, which in retrospective might be what scared him away. I asked if he saw a future with me, if he liked me enough to date me, if he wanted more from me, if he saw anything next semester.
I saw him get nervous and shifty, and he started to blurt out answers, NO, I dont see this, I dont like you enough, and then he took his sweatshirt back, and was like
I guess i shouldnt come over anymore...
I still like you though, im sorry. Im sorry. im sorry.
and when he left left he hugged me apologized again, and then said he really enjoyed my friendship outside of whatever this was as well.
The next night we had a ski club event. ( i know it sounds like all we do is party and drink but my grades were fine).
The original plan was a pregame with my friends and a walk over, but his Josh's roommate had another pregame in the same neighborhood.
So we met up there. But we weren't really speaking. once i had enough liquid courage and he had already approached my little group I soloed him out later and told him... I feel like I was really just blurting things out last night. Im sorry, I don't really know what I want. do you?
He couldnt meet my eyes and he just said Nothing I want nothing lets just have a good summer apart.
30 minutes later, in public, about 15/20 feet away from him I got my ass grabbed by a once trusted friend, who had been way too friendly all day. Josh didn't see anything he says because it was hard to watch me talk to this person.
Another 30 minutes later after a few more drinks in an attempt to erase what had happened and I was sobbing my eyes out, unable to tell anyone what had happened. My friends were all trying to check in, but i just sat on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks. Fireworks were going off outside, and the cops were called by the neighbors.
Josh ran in, grabbed me and pulled me outside, he gave me his jacket and he my roommate, and our friend walked to another street to find a ride home. I wanted to lay down and cry, and he propped me up instead, and tried to comfort me.
Once he got home he basically ran to another friends house, and said hed come over after to talk, (i fell asleep before he made it back but he did try).
Sunday he came over to help clean, and we cleaned in silence. The situation at the event where I got SAed, has been something Josh has a really hard time talking about, he just gets really quiet, says oh im sorry, its just such an awkward situation and never comments more on it. I really wish he'd be more angry for me. His best friends are?
For the next two weeks, he would invite me over to hangout with his friends, never just alone, but there were a few instances where we were alone. One night I was out with some girls in his friend group walking from my house back to his, and he started to text me asking where I was going, and what was I up to. the girls boyfriends came out too, but he brought me an umbrella and pulled me in and just laughed at us having our pow wow in the rain.
Finals week we both had almost no work and were floating about, I ended up going over there a ton. Some was by invite, and some was a little bit of inviting myself, but that's how the friendgroup is usually??
He offered to let me keep boxes in his room for the summer because I don't have a renewed lease, and when I came over a few times he played two songs on the guitar for me; that briefly in passing, I had mentioned I'd loved the songs. (i wouldnt consider them easy songs)
Before he left for the summer he came over to my house helped carry a few things out to the car, and a hug goodbye *note my roommate also a good friend of his did not get the same treatment*.
He told me that he hoped we'd see each other over the summer....
His girl friends have told me, he was really really hurt last year by a girl who he'd been really into, and dated for a week before she broke things off. They said they hadn't seen him bring girls over since, and all his other friends felt like he was fumbling me.
My question is it worth pursuing further? I know i'll just push him away by continuing this chase, but do we think that things will spark up ever again?
I really think Josh does care about me, and we had a great time, but he isn't texting me much anymore, if at all... I'm going to be in his hometown this weekend but I dont plan on letting him know/ seeing him.
What can i do at this point. I feel like he's said everything he needs to, he knows that I want more than what he's offering and I feel like I'm driving myself crazy. I really do think that we could be just friends, but I also feel like he has a soft spot for me and I don't want to miss out on something great just because I didnt give him time to get over his fears.