Perfect ringtone for a deadbeat father

Hi everyone!
I (31m) am still trying to figure it all out, I guess just like the rest of us, right? I went to a small east coast liberal arts college to be a writer. When I graduated in 2014, I had been through a variety of coursework and had felt that while I did want to write, I was focused more on "doing", then writing about it someday. I mostly focused on International Affairs and Anthropology spent some time abroad. I had difficulty getting a job after college and leaned into bouncing/security, then barbacking, then bartending, as a means to just get an income while I figured it out. I had a dream of working in intelligence. A decade passed and I had managed to build a successful reputation for myself both in bar management and brand work. During that decade, a lot of life happened. I had a deranged and tumultuous 7 year relationship with an abusive alcoholic bartender. I was offered a dream job after an arduous and competitive hiring process, only to have it rescinded for non-disclosed reasons days before my 30th birthday. Devastated by the job rejection after years of effort and work, I was feeling quite down. At this point I was bartending full time and just feeling completely lost. My long relationship ended in absolute pandemonium due to a total loss of my vehicle while she drove it inebriated. I evacuated myself from the relationship, as my safety was in question and I could no longer let myself be okay with what I was living. It was ugly and I lost most of my things and my pets.
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I felt gutted and defeated. I hung my head in shame and retreated to the cavernous depths of the rickety dive bar I had been working at, not doing much other than working and sleeping. Most of my time was spent feeling sorry for myself in solitude or just wanting it all to end. I felt trapped, scared, and hopeless. I met another woman with whom I now have an amazing relationship. It felt as though she brought color back to my life and gave me the excitement and joy I deserved to feel; the stuff I needed to keep healing and push forward. I've been still learning how to love myself again and forgive myself for what I allowed to happen to me. The bar industry had been absolutely crushing; being surrounded by defeated lost souls, on both sides of the bar. It got to a point where I was just completely emotionally and physically drained during my time off that I had no ability to do anything other than rot. And the money hasn't been what it had been and I have been having a hard time staying afloat on my own.
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A few months ago, at the strong encouragement of my girlfriend and family, and spending far too much time feeling like "John at the Bar" from the song "Piano Man," I left the bar industry for good. My father (also a former bartender), with whom I was more or less estranged from for several years due to longstanding family issues, offered to pay my rent if I left the bar ASAP and helped my brother launch his home remodeling business. I took the leap. I can't say they caught me; times are tough right now. The business is in it's startup phase and I am not in a position where I can take much income beyond minimum wage right now. Its quite brutal and I am questioning what the fuck I am even doing every day, but I push on. I am supplementing ends meet with some freelance work here and there doing some writing and working the bar at concert venues. I don't love my day to day, but I don't hate it as much as the bar. As much as certain things suck, my life is infinitely better. I feel confident that I will look back on these past few years and laugh.
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So, here I am, still trying to figure it all out. I feel as though all of my interests are laid out in front of me: I love music. I am a bassist, an avid record collector, I spin Boogie/Funk/80's vinyl here and there at bars and parties for fun, and I constantly love exploring everything related to the world of music. I am constantly monitoring foreign conflicts and researching militant insurgencies; I love to keep up to date on everything open source within the intelligence world. In terms of jobs in this field, it may be sour grapes, but I am not sure if I could sleep at night if I worked in intel for my government. I love to make art; some of my other brothers and I collaborate on cartoons, screenplays, and sketches. I love designing a character and making an elaborate Halloween costume every year. I love to create wild, exciting, and vibrant worlds, taking mine and others imaginations into the real world. I love to explore the world, connect with other cultures, and SEE and EXPERIENCE all I can during my short time here. It feels almost as if there's a "perfect career for me" combining all of these interests just sitting on the tip of my tongue. Then there's part of me screaming "Just write on what you've done. Then go do more shit and write! Fuck publications, newspapers, and media corps. Just do your own thing and you'll figure it out!"
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I write all of this, not necessarily asking for help finding a path (although, PLEASE any input is welcome), but just to share my experience to those who may be in the pits of confusion and hopelessness where I was very recently. Hopefully this can provide at least some solidarity and maybe a little bright flash of hope. I hope that those who are in similar places in their lives as me can read this and feel validated and more comfortable. Those of you who have made it out alive and thriving, hopefully this reminds you of your journey to where you are. And to all of those who failed, well...maybe this can help you feel willing to try it again. We only get this one shot at this, so why not give it our all?
I have no answers or solutions, just my own accounts of my raw experiences and the perspectives they have given me. I guess that's kind of the point of all of this though, right? We are all here to perceive and be perceived. We live in, witness, and are the spectacle! What an absurd, ghastly, and wonderful life we all live! Go live it and experience...you may be on the path you are searching for without even realizing it...
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Good hunting and rock on everyone. I love you all.
u/durt_squirrel

I don’t know how this works, but I just say it bluntly in the best way I might edit it later cause I’m not good with words . I’m (F26) and my husband (M30) we have one child together.
So recently, my husband convinced me (kept insisted for few years) that I’ve been not my best because of the birth control( which was freaking true) I made an appointment and then recently removed my IUD And he was with me in the room as my doctor removed it . She asked me if I wanted something else instead of the IUD . Before I can open my mouth, he was so quick to answer on my behalf saying NOOO and then the doctor kept looking back-and-forth at me and him and then she gave me a signal if you need anything just give us a call. So few weeks later I just don’t feel good because now he says he wants kids and I just don’t trust him anymore since he took advantage of me like that knowing that I don’t wanna have any kids I have a short temper, and I’m not trying to like mentally abuse, or make the kid feel like he’s not worth being here because his father insisted to have them .
I called my doctor. Let her know I wanted some thing to take oral without nobody knowing which went well. He thinks I’m not using anything and he’ll use protection, but he keeps pushing me to have another kid that he wants a village and stuff like that and I’m like I can only give you two kids cause that’s what I’m good with and that’s all . We get into a argument about it then I told him if it’s gonna be like this you can just get a divorce and find someone else that can push out a village for you cause I’m not sure we can stay like this . There’s nothing wrong with having a lot of kids. I just know I don’t wanna have a lot of kids and I have friends who like having a lot of kids nothing wrong with it and I don’t wanna be a mom of six or seven while he goes cheats because that’s just how it ends up with . And I end up, wasting my life my time, my energy, my dreams for a man that’s overcontrolling obsessive and think he is so perfect and everybody else. These are just some flaws of his, but he has really great other things just like I am too.
And I just I feel so guilty taking birth pills with without him knowing but then I’m scared. What if I actually end up wanting a kid and I can’t have a kid because of the side effects of it . My doctor said they’re really good no hormones in it And it she gave me a couple of months for supplies so he won’t know.
By the way, I don’t work, just a stay at home mom bc he wants me to be. I come from a background of such thing . So basically the tradition stay at home. Take care of the kids while the man does the work and provides. I don’t like that since he is overcontrolling and other things that are not allowed to do to maintain an image. so getting a divorce is gonna be so complicated since my family don’t want nothing to do with me but that’s just a different conversation.
Just in case someone says why don’t I leave him it’s complicated really complicated. I don’t have a backbone who can support me. I grew up in a household where we get married like he ask for my hand and pays for this amount of money. It’s not like we have a choice as nothing to do with the religion it’s just people want to make their own tradition and cultural stuff. And if anything comes bad from the daughter well I don’t know if you know, but it’s not good on her. So yeah .
Am I really screwing myself up doing this ?

Continuing my series where I discuss one episode from each season.
Season #1: "Five Votes Down" Season #2: "Somebodys Going to Emergency Somebodys Going to Jail" Season #3: "Dead Irish Writers"
It is the weekend before the 1st Monday in October 2002 (we can date it because the episode culminates in the Red Mass) and both Josh (and Amy) are both worried that Senator Stackhouse will push POTUS too far to the left. Toby and C.J. are worried that Ritchie will "exceed expectations" and thus gain a political win from the upcoming debates. Charlie bonds with his "little brother" Anthony. Sam gets some news from California, Donna goes to a self-help guru, POTUS writes a speech, and Leo deals with a hostage crisis and wins an award.
Wow. Lotta stuff going on.

1. While the show is an ensemble and is multi-plotted, there is usually a "featured character" in each episode. I honestly, can't decide who has the "A" story here. I think it is probably Stackhouse. His speech at the end is great (the music in the background fits perfectly with it) and I love how it ties in with the story he told Josh.
   
2. I've been to a Red Mass and there is NO WAY a sitting President would be allowed to give a speech. In fact, the only time I have ever seen non-clergy give a speech in a Catholic church is at funerals (eulogies.)
   
3. I would be interested in hearing the speech though. The "80/20" rule, also called the "Pareto Principle," has always fascinated me. It essentially means 80% of the outcomes come from 20% of the consequences aka "the vital few." My father, who ran a small business, said that he followed the principle by trying to spend 80% of his time on (what he considered) his top 20% customers. When I was in the military, I was told that I would spend 80% of my time on what's nominally 20% of my job. Here is the Wikipedia article. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle
   
4. In the beginning of the episode, Josh is temporarily distracted by the Mets blowing a game because their pitchers messed around and didn't "throw strikes." It isn't the same thing as the Mets, but I played in Little League games where we blew a lead because the pitcher tried to get fancy and didn't throw strikes.
   
5. Speaking of throwing strikes, I think that was the underlying theme of the episode. POTUS needs to stop being fancy and just throw it down the middle. He does this by putting it all on the line in one debate and taking questions on needle exchange.
   
6. It isn't explicit, but I think that part of "throwing strikes" would be to not make a big deal about Teddy Tomba. I honestly don't see how attacking someone like that would be good politics. As Donna says, Tomba is harmless and, since he doesn't appear to be political, attacking him would do more harm than good. I would imagine Democrats and independents like him and wouldn't appreciate being told they are stupid for liking him.
   
7. This is kind of the key episode for the season. Sam first hears about the election in Orange County, Leo gets an inkling that Qumar knows the U.S. was behind the assassination, POTUS implements his strategy to win the election, and Amy makes peace with Josh and POTUS (before later coming to work there.)
   
8. A few great quotes:
   

"I said I'd do it, Buckminster!"
Such a Wisconsin thing to say. My mother is from the Badger State and I can see her saying that.
"(Leo) is the most Jewish man any of us have ever met" "A thousand relatives in Scotland just rolled over in their graves."
Very charming back and forth.
"I'm not unsympathetic, but that is the problem right there. They're not his votes."
Dead-on Amy. That is why you're my West Wing crush. No politician is owed a single vote.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.
What did you think of "The Red Mass?"

I now have 5 kids oldest being 24 youngest being 3 months. My oldest has become a really awesome mother to my grandkids, my second oldest has no children and doesn’t care to have any, which is great because she’s putting her future first. However my 3rd oldest who’s 18 is a bit different. She’s extremely sensitive towards any criticism and becomes but hurt over everything, especially when she’s called out on her bullshit. She can’t keep a job, has every excuse in the world to not work and she would rather waste time on trying to make a quick dollar vs investing in her future. It’s to the point where my ex and I are washing our hands with it. Then my 4th child who is my only son is doing excellent in school, has lots of friends and wants to become an attorney.
I’m really trying to figure out where I went wrong with my 18 year old. She was my princess for the longest time, and a true daddy’s girl. I would always tell her how proud I am and she’s going to achieve so much greatness in life. But it’s like the older she becomes the more she blames everyone for her failures. As a father I only want all my children to become better than I was. But with her I’m starting to feel as if I failed.
I’m by far not a perfect dad and have had my moments of being an Ass hole while my kids were little. But no matter what I always remeinded them how much I love them and would do anything for them.
Just curious what it’s like for others. I mean when we grew up. There was no crying about life, no safe spaces. It was stand up and fight the bully or get left behind.
Sorry for my long rant, i just felt if anyone can relate, it has to be a fellow GenX

Before you judge, just let me explain! I (YA,M) recently got married to the love of my life (YA,F). We went on one date that ended in some amazing woohooing, but now that we're married, she's always playing chess. She really wants to advance in her career and earn three university degrees, and she's always on call at work, so I feel like I never get to see her.
Feeling lonely, one day I ran into my ex-girlfriend (YA,F) at work and decided to hook up with her. We had an incredible woohoo at the public pool in the shower, and I was on Cloud 9. She was perfect. We woohooed a few more times and she ended up pregnant. At first I wanted her to end it - I'm not ready to be a father yet - but then I realized she looked even hotter with that beautiful pregnant body. And knowing she was pregnant with MY child made it even better!
Of course, she didn't stay pregnant forever and now we have a daughter together. Our daughter lives with my ex, who now says she has no time to woohoo with me anymore because she's working hard to take care of this dumb baby.
So I'm back to being lonely again, but there are a lot of women in my town, and I know that getting them pregnant with my child would improve upon everyone's appearance. So WIBTA for impregnating these women because I'm lonely and I believe they are sexier when carrying my child?

Edit: don't respond if you're incapable of debating the idea. Making personal attacks is just weird. Just hit the downvote/upvote button to show your opinion if you're not interested in engaging intellectually
People go at Drake for THP6 but completely accept that Kendrick is pushing claims that have zero base. This is just an example of the reality that people will mindlessly believe anything if it aligns with whatever narrative they want. Let's have a look at the facts: Drake hid his kid and he had a campaign rollout for the public announcement
Drake was not in a LTR with the mother of his child. Meaning the responsible thing to do is to have a paternity test, especially when the kid comes out with blonde hair and blue eyes. After that it makes sense to focus on your family dynamic and figuring out how you're going to coparent
Any assessment of Drake's ability to be a father should be based on how he treats his kid. Anyone claiming that he should tell the world is exposing that they have some weird obsession and entitlement and ironically simultaneously demonstrating why he made the best decision
Yes, celebrities monetise their child announcements. What do you think the photoshoot Instagram posts are about? Or the magazine front cover and article? Or whatever other way they do it. Even if he had something with Adidas lined up that makes him a good businessman not a bad father lol
In the end there's zero evidence for Drake being a deadbeat or absent or even slightly bad father. Which is why the reaction to THP6 really exposed people's biasedness

I have always had an issue with my mother. She really exhibits a lot of narcissistic traits growing up and is able to distort peoples reality to what she wants. For example, I'm adopted, and my parents have never told me this. I found out through stumbling across court documents, and my entire life my mother was the one who would constantly say we looked identical, lied to my doctors by giving them HER health history (it took 10+ years for me to be diagnosed with a genetic chronic illness, and my entire life she ignored my pain and told me that I couldn't understand what real pain was because she had real pain compared to me), and I'm convinced that my entire family knew and she got them to be silent. She's always been incredibly controlling, to the point that she was tracking my location in college, would randomly show up at school for no reason, and constantly guilting me for going to school and not being around her enough. I moved pretty far for grad school and thought she had changed in some capacity, but after this past month it appears that she has not. I'm finding out from family members that behind my back she's telling people that incompetent and need her to do things for me- I didn't ask her to help my partner and I move yet she's going around to people saying I don't know how to rent a UHaul and that she has to help us with everything when she literally doesn't.
Anyway, I believe now that she has little control over me she's moved onto my father. I got a hysterical phone call last month from her saying my dad is going to turn me against her because he's acting crazy and she's so scared-- come to find out that their screaming match was because my father believes she has been cheating on him with their mutual friend of 20+ years. She decided to tell me that she hasn't had sex with him for over a year, and my father told me that he found her at this guy's apartment at 2 in the morning, he refuses to look at him, and a year ago stopped speaking to him. Out of nowhere my mother told me that she would never cheat because it's so wrong and kept going on and on about it. With all of this together, I'm convinced she's cheating at this point!!
I know my father is not perfect, and he has contributed to their horrific dynamic together. However, he's the only one who can say that he's done wrong. He has always been the parent that apologized for his actions and would even apologize for HER faults. He has been her doormat for 30 years at this point, and while I wish he wouldve stood up to her growing up, she is incredibly manipulative and verbally abusive to anyone she has close contact with. She genuinely believes she's a victim to everything in life. In fact, my mother is now all of a sudden claiming to be a victim of DOMESTIC ABUSE. She says he gets in her face and yells at her and has shoved her away. I know exactly why this happens- it's because she will push people's buttons and scream at them. Even when you tell her to get the fuck away from you, she comes back 10xs angrier and escalates the problem. The only way she stops is when ypu scream back or shove her away from you. She's done it to me before where I ended up on the floor because of her, and she literally stood above me and screamed. I'm so disgusted with her and her lack of awareness. It's like she doesn't care that I'm not cutting my father out of my life for her and that if she really loved me and wanted to be in my life, she will have to live with the fact that he will be around for any major life event and Im not going to tolerate her behavior. If she is going to pretend to be a victim of a crime, then I don't want her around me any longer.
I've been so devastated this past month over all of this. Genuinely thought that she was better and we could have a relationship, but it's clear we never will. I'm sick of her abuse quite frankly. The last thing she can hold over my head is my vehicle- she lied and claimed it was paid off but I just found out it wasn't and she's claiming she can't put it in my name because of that. Thankfully I make enough to do something about it, but I'm so emotionally exhausted that I haven't even started. It's just bringing up a lot of feelings about her that I have forgotten, and I'm so incredibly disappointed that I'll never have a real mother- she will always be an abuser and she will always put me down to boost her own status.

I'm finishing the High Isle DLC storyline and we just found out that Lord Bacaro is the Ascendant lord. I understand that was an attempt of a gag from the devs, but i had such a delicious theory in mind!! hear me out
so i first started having suspicions about the identity of AL when lady Arabelle got poisoned and we find out that someone with vast agricultural/druidic knowledge crafted the poison. I then thought okay who might have some druidic skills AND be a noble? later on we go to some catacombs and find the orders from AL about the poison which ends with "let's restore the legacy of bretons!". And who told me about the said legacy VERY recently? it was sir Stefan Mornard!
i was fully prepared to find out that it was him all the way, and even explained the death of his father - he basically was hungry for power and decided to remove his father on the way. all the dots were connecting so perfectly 😭 and then Bam out of nowhere it's lord Bacaro. i think that the surprise reveal of the villain is not very satisfying if there has been zero clues to it before. my theory would be much more satisfying (for me) at least bc we would be able to say that there were clues and we had suspicions of the villain before the reveal!

My apologies in advance if this is long. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 23 years. This incident happened when we were still friends. If I had I only known the truth when this had originally happened, I would have been saved from decades of emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, sexual, and physical abuse. (And currently post-separation abuse).
The cast: me, my ex Bub (Beelzebub), my ex-crush B, Bub's gf M, Bub's bf V (It will make sense when you read it.)
TW: Suicide, self-harm, abuse
We met through a mutual friend. We became really close really quickly. He was 17 and I was 19. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I was raised around domestic abuse, and my family was highly dysfunctional. I suffered severe trauma as a child being raised in this environment with an abusive father and brother. (His namesake). By the time I met Bub, I had been having mental health struggles for many years. To deal with the trauma I still suffered from I would self-harm by cutting frequently. I also had been in a psychiatric hospital twice for suicide attempts. I told Bub about all of this, and he knew that I still did it. He was very supportive and would get really sad when I harmed myself.
Since we were just friends we would talk about our crushes. He had a crush on a girl from high school and I had a crush on one of my ex's B, who was also my high school crush. We only dated for 3 weeks, and we decided we were better as friends then lovers. Though we did have a FWB thing going on when we were both single. He really talked up his crush and I really talked up mine.
Two months into our friendship he got a gf. He told me she was a girl he knew from his home city named M. He claimed her mother would babysit him and his brother. He really talked this girl up. She was into all the same things as him. He said she had beautiful red hair, D breasts, liked the same books, movies and music as him. (Yes, he bragged about these things, as disgusting and corny as it sounds now). I was starting to believe he talked her up to make me jealous, which it honestly did. However, I knew it was petty jealousy and I was very happy for him and expressed that to him.
I don't know whose idea it was for her to start communicating with me, but she started emailing me to get to know his best friend (me). I was totally cool with this and was excited to get to know her. Before I know it, she starts getting really nasty with me for no apparent reason. It really upset me. My natural impulse at the time when I was upset was to cut. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism I had for years, and I did it when I was really upset. I explained this to him, and he said he would talk to her. He showed real concern I was harming myself and he also wanted her to stop.
So, he told me he had talked to her, and she had told him she would stop harassing me for no good reason. I really assumed she was jealous and let her know there was nothing to worry about. We were friends and he had a much longer history with her. She didn't stop. She continued to say the vilest and f'd up things to me, including making crass and insensitive comments about my suicidal ideation and self-harm. Naturally I was really upset and cut myself pretty badly. I still have the scar.
This basically went on until they broke up a month later. He said she was doing heroin, and he was vehemently against drugs. He said that they had a good friend that died of an OD, and he couldn't be with her if she was going to do that. It was over. She never contacted me again.
Not long after that B (my ex-bf) had come back from bootcamp. I spent a good deal of time with him while he was on home for leave for two weeks before he shipped out overseas. We decided in that time that we would no longer be FWB because I was starting to have feelings for Bub. Me and Bub started dating right after that. He ended up telling me that him and M didn't really date, and he had only told me that to make me jealous. AHA! I was correct!
So, I asked to meet her. He was a bit hesitant at first, but he finally agreed. At this point his bf V from his home city was dating her. It was the perfect opportunity to meet her as like a double date. I will say, at that time in my life I could be possessive and jealous. Not proud of it, but I was young and immature. I ended up treating her pretty snidely because of this.
One night we were out with them, and Bub got into a car accident. We ended up having to call his dad for a ride home. When we got to his home, his dad was contemplating letting them sleep there. I whispered in Bub's ear that I was not okay with his ex-gf sleeping at his house. She overheard me tell him this. She pulled me aside and told me they never dated. WHAT? I was furious. Bub made eye contact with me, and by the look on his face, I could tell he knew what she told me. The ride back, to drop them at home in his dad's car, was uncomfortable to say the least.
After he dropped them off, I confronted him. His explanation was I was so pushy to meet her, but he knew how jealous I could be, so he didn't want to actually introduce me to the real M. Ends up V was dating a girl with the same name. I felt so stupid and betrayed. I wanted to end it, but he seemed so remorseful I ended up giving him another chance.
Well, the years go rolling by, and I hear no more about this girl who he was so close with, in the past. Bub was a very charismatic person with a lot of friends. He never stopped speaking to friends permanently and they would come in and out of his life. I found it a little odd that there was no mention of her but didn't think much else of it. I also never really formally met her.
Then Facebook became a thing. He ended up being friends with every person he had ever known. Except her. I would bring it up and he would always have some excuse. We ended up moving in with his brother in 2015. I wasn't really around his brother a lot, so I never got a chance to talk to him at length. I remember at one point I brought her up. I was just so curious at the mystery girl and wanted to see if he was still in touch with her. He told me he didn't know what I was talking about. He said his mother never left them with babysitters and only worked when they were in school.
"What does that mean," I'm thinking. WTF does that mean? I brought it up to Bub and he told me she only babysat a few times so his brother probably forgot. But this didn't sit right with me. He had told me that she would babysit them frequently. He denied ever saying the frequency. What could I do but believe him? It had been almost 15 years by that point. That's a long time to keep a secret like that. Surely, he was telling me the truth. I dropped it for good.
We get married that year. We had a child the next year. We had a stillborn a year after that. All this time until 2022, I started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. I started suspecting that his behavior towards me was abusive.
Sidenote: I didn't include all the abusive behaviors in this post, as it would be a novel if I did. I'm simply recalling the events around the catalyst to my descent into hell.
By the end of 2022 I was broken. I had gotten my first of what would end up being 3 TROs against him. I dismissed the first two. (The second was a dual, as he set up a situation that created the need for me to defend myself. He claimed I wasn't defending myself. That's a story for another day). After the first two, I was still so desperate to salvage my marriage with my eternal hope that he could change. I was just so broken by then I didn't think I deserved any better, and no one else could possibly want a worthless, pitiful broken mess like me.
The summer of 2023, while laying sleepless in bed, the memory of M flashed through my mind. I started remembering details I had long forgotten. Why did I never meet her? Why was she never his friend on Facebook? Why had neither of them reached out to each other? I had met every person he talked about, or he was at least friends with them on Facebook. Why not her? Why did his brother not remember? Why did he say M's mother babysat them all the time? I KNOW he originally said that damn it! Why was her email address, at only 17-years-old, her first and last name? 17-year-olds don't use their names like professionals. They call themselves sparklybutterflies86 for christ's sakes! This was all going through my head.
The next day I confronted Bub. I will paraphrase to the best of my memory:
Me: Was M real?
Bub: I thought this had been settled already.
Me: No. No, it hasn't. You told me your brother just did not remember her and that was the last I spoke of it.
Bub: Deadpanned looking me right in the eye "No. She wasn't real. I thought you knew this by now."
I can't really remember what I said at that point, but it was a lot of "how the fuck could you do that? and other expletives. His excuse was he was an insecure teenager, and he was jealous of B and how much I talked about him. A fucking insecure teenager. Talking up his high school crush didn't make me jealous, so he made up a gf.
He pretended to be a gf, who went on to harass the shit out me. Which caused me to be so distraught that I cut myself. He knew I was harming myself and he kept on doing it. I still bare the fucking scar from that time. He involved a poor innocent girl that I was fucking terrible to. Not to mention the fake story of a friend that Od'd. And his excuse for this deranged, diabolical, INSANE fucking shit was, "I was an insecure teenager." No fucking big deal, right?
23 years. Two kids. One alive and one deceased. 23 years of complete and utter psychological annihilation with this man.
If only I had known.
If you have come this far, thank you so much for reading. I left him for good October of last year, and I have never felt more free.

These “I am” statements can also be used as Daily Affirmations.

1. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
2. I am a new creation in Christ; the old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17).
3. I am strong in the Lord and in his mighty power (Ephesians 6:10).
4. I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me (Romans 8:37).
5. I am not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
6. I am God’s handiwork, created to do good works (Ephesians 2:10).
7. I am set free in Christ (Galatians 5:1).
8. I am healed by His wounds (1 Peter 2:24).
9. I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14).
10. I am the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
11. I am chosen, holy, and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12).
12. I am redeemed from the curse of sin (Galatians 3:13).
13. I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).
14. I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20).
15. I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1).
16. I am assured that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).
17. I am God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16).
18. I am never forsaken (Hebrews 13:5).
19. I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18).
20. I am sealed with the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13).
21. I am the branch that bears fruit (John 15:5).
22. I am a friend of Jesus (John 15:15).
23. I am justified and redeemed (Romans 3:24).
24. I am set free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2).
25. I am chosen to bear fruit (John 15:16).
26. I am firmly rooted, built up, and established in my faith (Colossians 2:7).
27. I am built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ as the chief cornerstone (Ephesians 2:20).
28. I am reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5:18).
29. I am united with other believers (John 17:20-23).
30. I am a member of Christ’s body (1 Corinthians 12:27).
31. I am a saint (Ephesians 1:1).
32. I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).
33. I am anointed by God (2 Corinthians 1:21).
34. I am a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19).
35. I am chosen by God, precious and special (1 Peter 2:4).
36. I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken (Hebrews 12:28).
37. I am guarded by God’s peace (Philippians 4:7).
38. I am confident that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected (Philippians 1:6).
39. I am a partaker of Christ’s promise (Ephesians 3:6).
40. I am righteous and holy (Ephesians 4:24).
41. I am a follower of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1).
42. I am the aroma of Christ to God (2 Corinthians 2:15).
43. I am not moved by life’s difficulties because God supports me (Psalm 62:6).
44. I am strengthened with all power according to His glorious might (Colossians 1:11).
45. I am helped by God’s angels (Hebrews 1:14).
46. I am secured because God holds my hand (Isaiah 41:13).
47. I am victorious through Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57).
48. I am joyfully giving thanks to the Father who qualifies me to share in the inheritance of the saints (Colossians 1:12).
49. I am disciplined by God as His child (Hebrews 12:5-11).
50. I am bearing the fruits of righteousness that come through Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:11).
51. I am guided by the Spirit (Romans 8:14).
52. I am not consumed by mental afflictions because my mind is renewed daily (Romans 12:2).
53. I am called to eternal glory in Christ (1 Peter 5:10).
54. I am the recipient of every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).
55. I am sheltered by God’s power (1 Peter 1:5).
56. I am confident of God’s love for me (Romans 8:38-39).
57. I am invited to approach God’s throne with confidence and boldness (Hebrews 4:16).
58. I am receiving mercy for my failures and grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
59. I am cleansed from my sins when I confess them (1 John 1:9).
60. I am loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).
61. I am guarded by God’s power through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time (1 Peter 1:5).
62. I am not anxious about anything because I can bring all my requests to God (Philippians 4:6).
63. I am given God’s glorious grace lavishly and without restriction (Ephesians 1:5-8).
64. I am in the hand of Christ from which no one can snatch me away (John 10:28-29).
65. I am engraved on the palms of God’s hands (Isaiah 49:16).
66. I am the focus of God’s personal care and attention (Matthew 10:29-31).
67. I am never abandoned by God (Deuteronomy 31:6).
68. I am important to God (1 Peter 2:9).
69. I am sheltered and safe in God’s presence (Psalm 91:1).
70. I am confident of this, that God who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).
71. I am one of God’s living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (1 Peter 2:5).
72. I am rooted and established in love (Ephesians 3:17).
73. I am called out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9).
74. I am God’s child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God which lives and abides forever (1 Peter 1:23).
75. I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10).
76. I am a partaker of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:4).
77. I am called to be a kingdom and priests to serve God (Revelation 1:6).
78. I am the temple of the Holy Spirit; I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6:19).
79. I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the Blood (Ephesians 1:7).
80. I am delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God’s kingdom (Colossians 1:13).
81. I am redeemed from the curse of the Law (Galatians 3:13).
82. I am firmly rooted, built up, established in my faith and overflowing with gratitude (Colossians 2:7).
83. I am called to fellowship with Jesus Christ our Lord (1 Corinthians 1:9).
84. I am a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation (1 Peter 2:9).
85. I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21).
86. I am created in His image (Genesis 1:26-27).
87. I am not the great “I am” (Exodus 3:14; John 8:24,28,58), but by the grace of God, I am what I am (1 Corinthians 15:10).
88. I am God’s sheep, hearing and following His voice (John 10:27).
89. I am being transformed into His image (2 Corinthians 3:18).
90. I am called to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).
91. I am a disciple because I have love for others (John 13:34-35).
92. I am the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21).
93. I am a child of light and not of darkness (1 Thessalonians 5:5).
94. I am chosen to be fruitful (John 15:16).
95. I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5).
96. I am free from any charge against me (Romans 8:31-34).
97. I am a minister of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-20).
98. I am God’s coworker (2 Corinthians 6:1).
99. I am seated in heavenly places with Christ (Ephesians 2:6).
100. I am saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8).

(spoilers for the entire movie)
In another universe, Sicario is a movie that begins with Benicio Del Toro's character's wife and daughter being murdered by a rival cartel, proceeds with him striking a deal with the CIA and Josh Brolin's character, capturing Guillermo, and ultimately hunting down the two jefes in a bittersweet ending. Emily Blunt's character would have been a minor antagonist presented as a naive government agent that gets in the way of real justice carried out by our beloved anti-hero Alejandro.
It would have been a standard Hollywood revenge story, but by swapping the main character to Kate it tells a much deeper story. Sicario is ultimately a meditation on power: the overwhelming power of systems and what it's like to come to terms with your powerlessness as an individual in the face of these systems. The reframing of the story to be from Kate's perspective rather than Alejandro's perspective brings to the forefront the contradiction between the average Hollywood film's message of "a single badass hero can change the course of history" and the reality we all deal with every day, of "every choice you make exists in the shadow of unimaginably powerful systems, there is no escape from this fact."
The movie makes me reflect on how our lives are controlled by invisible yet giant mega-structures beyond our comprehension and how we barely understand our own emotions and our own bodies, yet in the middle lies us: a helpless consciousness that needs to make decisions anyway in the face of this infinite complexity and extremely limited knowledge.
Your own life is a game of chess. It's basically impossible for you to know if any move you make gets you closer to winning or losing, yet move you must.
Some miscellaneous observations:

• Kate is brave, competent, and genuinely wants to make a difference yet she's ultimately a pawn in a massive game being played at the nation-state level. She's also completely expendable. If she had died at the border crossing when her assassin hit his shot, she could simply be swapped out for her partner. The meeting at the office where Josh Brolin's character is evaluating her and Daniel Kaluuya's character shows this: the CIA is free to pick the most convenient pawn for the situation. It means nothing to them but means everything to our heroes.
  
• Everyone passes the buck. Alejandro tells Kate he merely does what the CIA tells him to. Josh Brolin, a stand-in for the CIA, says he's only doing what he's directed to do by elected officials. Elected officials would say their direction is based off what the public wants. What the public wants is dictated by the media, and the media would say they're just giving the public what they want. Within this calcified system, the individuals that appear to have the most agency are the ones that accept their lack of choice. Alejandro knows he's a pawn for the CIA's ambition to prop up a cartel they control, but he makes the most of being a pawn.
  
• I really liked the detail of the inside jokes and casual banter between Josh Brolin (Matt) and the military guys. If Matt or Alejandro were the main characters, these jokes might just be funny but since we follow along with Kate we get the sense that we're walking in on a story that's been going on for years and we feel like a mere side character.
  
• Silvio, a Mexican cop who works for the cartel, is the perfect distillation of a pawn. His choices start and end within the confines of his own home: go to his kid's soccer game or sleep in, coffee for breakfast or liquor. If he doesn't do what the cartel says he dies. At one point he's literally moved forward as a pawn by Alejandro and sacrificed in Alejandro's chess game to get Diaz (the queen), and ultimately Fausto (the king).
  
• Silvio is a cautionary tale to the viewer of what happens when you give up completely in the face of systems more powerful than you: he was a letdown as father and husband. He was an alcoholic that didn't even know his son's greatest passion was football and wanted to sleep in instead of helping him attend his game, which reminds us that even when we're helpless to change society we can still make choices that have positive outcomes for our immediate surroundings. Silvio redeems himself by following along with Alejandro's orders, who tells him "Everything you do now you do for your family" and we see Silvio's sacrifice make a difference for them as they are still alive at the end of the film.
  
• At the end of the film Kate is faced with the "choice" of signing off on the cartel job at gunpoint. She signs it understanding that not signing it would align with her principles but just pass the buck to some other helpless agent, likely Daniel Kaluuya's character. She learns that acting against her principles makes sense in some cases, likely sending her down the same path that Josh Brolin's character went down: once someone who believed in abiding one's principles but worn down by reality over the years.
  
• Kate is also faced with the choice of killing Alejandro. She chooses not to: both of them understand, after everything that's happened, that the choice makes literally no difference to the massive war being fought. She realizes that, at least some of the time, she can act according to her principles, and she chooses her principles. In the chess game of life the pieces aren't just pieces: they're the people and values we hold dear. And sometimes it makes sense to sacrifice them, but how can we ever know it's the right thing to do? This is the absurd joke of life.
  

50 Biblical scriptures that address Overcoming Temptation and Addiction, along with their texts:

1. 1 Corinthians 10:13 – “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
2. James 1:12-15 – “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
3. Matthew 26:41 – “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
4. Galatians 5:16-17 – “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”
5. Ephesians 6:11-12 – “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
6. Psalm 50:15 – “Call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”
7. 1 Peter 5:8-10 – “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
8. 2 Peter 2:19 – “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for ‘people are slaves to whatever has mastered them.'”
9. Romans 13:14 – “Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.”
10. 1 Corinthians 6:12 – “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything.”
11. 1 Corinthians 15:33 – “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
12. James 4:7 – “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
13. Romans 6:12-14 – “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”
14. Proverbs 4:14-15 – “Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way.”
15. Hebrews 2:18 – “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”
16. 2 Timothy 2:22 – “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
17. Titus 2:11-12 – “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.”
18. Hebrews 4:15-16 – “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
19. Psalm 119:11 – “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
20. Proverbs 20:1 – “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”
21. Romans 8:5-6 – “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”
22. Ephesians 4:27 – “and do not give the devil a foothold.”
23. Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
24. Colossians 3:5 – “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”
25. Psalm 141:3-4 – “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies.”
26. Job 31:1 – “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.”
27. Proverbs 6:27-28 – “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?”
28. Psalm 101:3 – “I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it.”
29. 1 John 2:16 – “For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”
30. Luke 22:40 – “On reaching the place, he said to them, ‘Pray that you will not fall into temptation.'”
31. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 – “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
32. Psalm 23:4 – “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
33. Proverbs 23:20-21 – “Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.”
34. Isaiah 40:29-31 – “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
35. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 – “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
36. Luke 4:1-13 – “Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry. The devil said to him, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.’ Jesus answered, ‘It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone.’’ The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, ‘I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. If you worship me, it will all be yours.’ Jesus answered, ‘It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’’ The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down from here. For it is written: ‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’’ Jesus answered, ‘It is said: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’’ When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.”
37. Romans 12:1-2 – “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
38. Ephesians 5:18 – “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.”
39. Proverbs 27:12 – “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
40. Psalm 37:23-24 – “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”
41. Philippians 2:13 – “for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
42. Proverbs 25:28 – “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.”
43. 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8 – “So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.”
44. Proverbs 16:32 – “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”
45. Isaiah 41:10 – “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
46. Psalm 119:37 – “Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word.”
47. 2 Corinthians 7:1 – “Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.”
48. Psalm 1:1-3 – “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers.”
49. Proverbs 13:20 – “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
50. 1 John 5:4-5 – “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.”

These verses offer wisdom and guidance for dealing with temptation and addiction, emphasizing reliance on God’s strength and the importance of spiritual vigilance and moral integrity.

Hey guys,
I know this is probably not the MOST fitting sub to make this post, but I do find it relevant because the choices I make will have a great impact on my future,
My father and I have not always had a good relationship. I don't want to sit here and yap about all the terrible things he's done to me but what really broke my trust was when he kicked me out of the house when I was in high school, and told my whole step family that I ran away from home.
He honestly feels like a sperm donor that I'll occasionally feel sorry for. My mom and I have a better relationship - even though she has also hurt me growing up, I feel safer with her and I've easily overcame my discrepancies with her than I did him. She also genuinely apologized for some things.
I keep my personal life and my life with him extremely seperate because he criticizes everything about my life choices, dreams and personality. Being away from him helped me heal and find my inner voice. I'm learning how to become strong, and independent spiritually without him.
I also look back at certain things I experienced with him, and he was waaaayyy too obsessed about weird shit like my virginity, body count, and Everytime I call him when I am in mental anguish he asks me about the guys I've slept with and he's convinced my mental health is terrible because "I'm catching demons" from the guys I sleep with. It's dehumanizing hearing him talk like that - and it makes 0 sense because I don't Believe in that schizo shit for one. I have an extensive family history of mental illness on my mom's side and his mother died of dementia after suffering years from unmedicated depression. I think all my problems are mostly genetic in combination to a traumatic childhood and having no sense of direction for so long.
I have done everything for myself, by myself. I was the one that taught me how to drive, I was the one that got me my license, I was the one that pushed myself to finish top of my class in highschool while he dawged me out for being "a disrespectful slut"
I look at the love and support that my cousin has that grew up without a father in her life and she is far from perfect, yet she has all the love, support and freedom she can ask for and she's wild and fun. She's also 21 and about to become engaged. I'm 23 and single and I feel like it's because my dad has always made me feel like "a body that men use" instead of a woman that can actually be loved. Sure, mentally it's made me stronger, but I am broken, hollow, and depressed and coming to terms with the fact that I am just not deserving of romantic love.
Hes draining - he's a stalker and he sucks the life out of me. I'm only dealing with him because I am written in his will, but I'm questioning if it's even worth it. I plan on leaving America anyways, and getting a remote job once I graduate school and hopefully, I'll be able to start my own business - but I'll be a fool to turn down a will/trust fund. Not to mention, the way the economy looks, the American dream of stability and peace is dead and unattainable UNLESS you inherit wealth or marry into it. There's no guarantee that my transition to living in a foreign country will go smooth or according to plan, and if I come back to America, I will be reconsumed by this rat race.
TLDR; as the title states - should I cut my father out of my life at the expense of being take out of a will/trust fund, or should I just hold my tongue until the day he dies and get the money?

And give unto Solomon my son a perfect heart, to keep thy commandments, thy testimonies, and thy statutes, and to do all these thing , and to build the palace, for the which I have made provision.And David said to all the congregation, Now bless the LORD your God. And all the congregation blessed the LORD God of their fathers, and bowed down their heads, and worshipped the LORD, and the king

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Deep in the groaning halls of sinew and bone he awaited his audience with the god. At a wave of his hand the ribs which held up the ceiling contracted, tendons shifting within the pink walls of the chamber as the jagged, calcareous spurs that composed the doorway sank back into the spongy masses of tissue, revealing a passage curving down and out of sight.
Menash stood before the yawning portal and considered eternity. This was no an idle thought: here in the Dawning Chamber, the concept was very real. His father, Yulan, had stood in this exact spot times beyond count. When he was struck down in his prime by the Night Weaver and her Leaper offspring, torn limb from limb as he fought to defend Chthonis from a raiding party, Menash’s uncle, Aqavarr, had carried his broken remains over that grinning threshold to join the hosts of the dead, never to return.
A hot and heavy exhalation rattled up out of the depths, wafting in the acrid scent of the bonding pools and the wet slithering sound of the rebirthing canals. Menash felt a crackle of static in the corners of his mind before the signal sharpened and he heard It whisper distinctly:
“Enter…”
The familiar dread crept its way up the small of his back, and he gave a little shiver. No matter how many times he had communed with the Vitalus, he’d never been able to shake the feeling of his utter insignificance. But he persevered, walking bravely down the slurping passage, past the rows of broad antechambers lining either side of the hallway. Each one held a slumbering shape immersed in a cryogenic bath, towering hulks of muscle encased in ribbed and riveted plates of chitin. No two were alike in size or physiology, but all seemed to emanate the same primeval aura of dread that tickled Menash’s fight-or-flight-instinct, skewing it very much towards the latter response. These were the Hollowores, soulless avatars of the Vitalus, each one a tool capable of eradicating an entire species. As Menash approached, one of the living weapons stirred to life. A pronged, anvil-shaped head emerged from the bath, umbilical feeder tubes detaching from its armored flanks as the rest of its bulk followed, its mauve exoskeleton as sleek and shiny as amethyst. The Hollowore extended legs as thick as grown pine trees and lifted itself above him, its pairs of crushing pincers dripping amniotic fluids as it herded him towards the central room.
Bundles of white gossamer filaments spread all across the floor, encircling steaming pools of pus and acid. He saw arms and legs, sensory organs and entire exoskeletons being knitted before his very eyes, the amino acid chains being stitched on a layer at a time, the weeping pus evidence of microphages fighting off possible infections as the Vitalus did Its work.
These were the next generation of exomorphs, yet to be assigned to their hosts. It was here that Vitalus constantly improved the only thing that could ensure the continued survival of Menash’s subspecies. Exomorphs were bonded to Gallivants at birth, the organisms supplying their hosts with the means to breathe an atmosphere they was never meant to endure, and the strength to fight in a world that was red in tooth and claw. They were as swift as the summer wind and could multiply their host’s muscular power by up to twelve times their natural output.
But for all their God-given might, Gallivants were still mortal. They could and often did perish in the endless struggle for existence that the Vitalus called the Great Game. But even in death they could still commit their essence to posterity, passing down their defining traits through the malleable genetic code of the gilt helix. It was the Vitalus’ greatest boon; through the gilt helix a single individual could become a progenitor of an entire generation, becoming at one stroke the father of whole nations and peoples.
One day he too would prove worthy of the honor that Yulan had earned with his life. But he was not alone in that ambition. Menash was annoyed to find the crimson-clad Vezda and the cowardly Racek waiting for him inside, standing next to a large ball of filaments that hung from a tonsil-like growth hanging from the walls.
This node pulsed, emitting a small storm of bioelectric activity, networks of fungi conveying commands in the form of oscillating voltages to their communities of symbiotic bacteria, the latter containing greigite mineral crystals aligned in the shape of electromagnetic coils. Other networks hidden in the walls modulated and amplified the signals, and the three Gallivants steeled themselves for the onrushing flood of information as the Vitalus tapped into their minds.
He was a candle before the raging heart of the thunderstorm. For an instant Menash touched a fraction of Its intelligence, the divisions of time and space rolling back as they joined the ocean of shared consciousness, becoming one with the living systems of Arachnea. From the tiniest aeroplankton floating above the waves of the golden coastlines, to the herds of ultrapods munching their way through swathes of trees in the savannahs. Menash felt himself pushing up out of the soil, longing and lusting and reaching for the sunlight with a trillion green fingers uncurling, alive with the furious movement of life.
But what was that flicker of orange to the east? That searing heat, that prickling pain spreading like a cancer down his side?
The Vitalus scooped them up and hurled them headlong into hell itself. A roaring wildfire was sweeping into the heart of the eastern rainforests. Menash tasted ash and ruin, felt pieces of himself wither and burn, his branches tongues of fire, wood cracking from the intense blaze, sap boiling instantaneously upon contact and rupturing, splitting him right down the grain. He fled in terror, running, slithering, digging, swimming, flying away in crazed panic from the walls of red death closing in on him. As his skin flaked off in clumps of charcoal he looked back and saw it towering over the treetops, the epicenter of this howling vortex of destruction: the grey behemoth. Its burnished metal hide gleamed like copper, reflecting the fury of the conflagration burning well into the night.
Menash pulled his mind away before it was lost forever in the storm of electric potentials. He saw Racek and Vezda swaying on their feet, breathing hard and fast.
“Heart of the World,” he managed to gasp, “What is your bidding?”
The Hollowore maneuvered itself until it was facing him directly. Tiny beady eyes fixed him in their blank gaze. The node emitted a blue pulse and the creature shuddered as it received the signal. It opened a maw powerful enough to chew boulders into gravel and rumbled:
“This one is the alpha which survived first contact with anomalous variable. It will tell Us what occurred, and from whence this threat emerged.”
“It came from the karst mountain range, where the yellowjacket Amit live,” Menash replied, “It was destroying the largest mound in that area, massacring its inhabitants. It brought the mountain down on them—we’ve never seen anything like it. Zildiz was the first on the scene. She warned us not to approach, and that it was dangerous, but some of us,” here he cast an angry look at Vezda, “Some of us went ahead and tried to scavenge from the bodies of the dying. Then the behemoth ignited the air and burned scores of us to cinders.”
“Irrational. Why did you do this?”
“W-we thought that you had spawned the grey behemoth,” Menash stammered, embarrassed to say the least, “That it was the newest addition to the Great Game, another species of ultrafauna that would help perfect Arachnea.”
“Not so. It was made by an evil far older than the All-In-One,” replied the Vitalus, “It is called a Divine Engine. In cycles past, this evil sought to undo this world and all that inhabit it. In that, it almost succeeded.”
Menash felt his blood run cold at those words.
“Is it the only one of its kind?” Racek piped up. Menash and Vezda both bristled at his interruption; subordinates were only supposed to speak when spoken to.
“There were several deployed here in Our infancy. We had thought them all destroyed in the War of Creation.”
“Your Munificence,” Racek went on, heedless of the venomous looks he was getting from the other two, “Most of us survived because Zildiz persuaded us to dive into the river. She saved all our lives! But as I washed up on the riverbank, I saw the behemoth casting a seedpod into the skies. I did not see where it landed, but it was travelling in a high arc due east. Is this the behemoth’s method of reproducing? If so, then how many offspring can it generate from this one seed?”
The Vitalus met his questions with a minute of silence. Menash had never known It to take so long to respond to a query, and felt another stab of unease in his gut. Unless he was imagining things, the Vitalus seemed genuinely disturbed by the scenario that Racek has raised, enough to convince Menash that the danger was far from hypothetical.
“That is a distant possibility,” It said somewhat cryptically, “Regardless, We cannot allow the Engine’s continued existence.”
“Then it must be destroyed,” Vezda said, her barbed tail eagerly perking up.
“We are not certain that it can be,” the Vitalus said, and Menash heard Racek audibly gulp at the admission.
“But Your Omniscience, you alone are the arbiter of growth and decay,” Vezda said in disbelief, “Surely you can unmake this monster as well?”
“Perhaps. The Divine Engines were built to withstand the extremes of temperature, gravity, atmospheric pressure, acidity and irradiation found on semi-inhabitable exoplanets. Worlds of bareness and desolation, glassed by thermonuclear bombardment or infested with alien microorganisms. In the wars of Our youth, the Betrayers used tungsten-alloy warheads fired from space platforms to crack their bulkheads. Not even Our vessels, the Hollowores, could damage them in any significant way. We will need time to gather the raw materials and fabricate the weapons needed to end this threat.”
“What must we do?” Menash asked.
“If this variable is not dealt with, it could upset the delicate balance We have sacrificed so much to achieve. Already the wildfire it has caused will release close to 400 million metric tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and destroy 2.3 million acres of forest before Our countermeasures can stop it. Time is our limiting factor. If the Engine cannot be destroyed now, it must be restrained.”
“It hasn’t moved an inch since we last saw it,” Vezda said brightly, “Maybe it has already died?”
“Yes, and maybe your mother was a horka toad,” Racek said snidely. Vezda scowled and took a step towards him, then stopped as she remembered that she trod on hallowed ground.
“Not so. It has merely gone dormant. Having expended its fuel, it is now running on the bare minimum of its reserves. My children, you must ensure that it does not wake again. Establish a quarantine zone around the Engine and let none approach, on pain of death. The Leaper kindreds will secure the ground while the Gallivants patrol the skies.”
Vezda and Menash exchanged troubled looks. Nobody wanted Leapers establishing a foothold in what was essentially a buffer zone between their subspecies. Once allowed to settle in a habitat, it would not take long for them to adapt and become masters of their new territory. Ousting them would become a battle of attrition, and given the lower birthrates of Gallivants, it was not one they could long afford.
“Respectfully, we do not require assistance from our brother kindred,” Menash ventured, “We are more than capable of safeguarding the area ourselves.”
The node throbbed again, the bioelectric flashes taking on an angry purple hue. With a sound like the grinding of a millstone the Hollowore clashed its claws together impatiently. All three of the mortals took a hasty step back.
“The alpha will obey, or another will be found that can,” the Vitalus growled at them, “All subspecies will observe a general truce during this period. This is a temporary addition to the Great Game. Those that serve Us well shall be rewarded. We shall also enlist the aid of your terrestrial cousins, as well as the Cataphract clans to replenish the soil, and lone Saints who shall rove beyond the quarantine zone.”
Menash’s unease deepened. The Vitalus was bringing together four different kindreds, some of which killed each other on sight, in a move that reeked of desperation. The kindreds had worked together before, of course, on complex projects such as altering rainfall patterns and husbanding struggling species, but never so many at once. This was bound to end in bloodshed.
“Those that break the truce shall be chemically neutered, and their gilt helix purged from the existing gene pool,” the Vitalus continued, “You will maintain this quarantine until We have dealt with the Engine.”
“It is understood!” Menash and Vezda said at once.
“But what about Zildiz?” Racek blurted out, again risking his entire lineage by speaking out of turn, “She might still be alive out there!”
“He’s right,” Menash found himself agreeing despite his dislike for Racek, “She’s our alpha, after all. It would be a shame to lose her helix. Do we have your leave to send out a party to recover her?”
The Vitalus pondered the request for a moment, then crushed his hopes when it said:
“Regrettable, the loss of the female. Valuable stock for the breeding program. But it has not responded to Our signals—it is unlikely to have survived. The female Vezda shall take up its duties as alpha.”
“But Your Benevolence—” both men cried out in unison.
“It is decided. She has risked the Great Game, and must abide by its outcome. To speak more on this would risk Our displeasure,” the god warned.
“We can’t spare the manpower anyway,” Vezda pointed out, trying not to look too pleased at Its decision. She darted a quick look at Menash, long enough for him to see the selfish desire festering in her heart. He turned away from her in disgust, baring his blades by the slightest of margins to let her know what he thought of her, then asked the Vitalus:
“But what of the Engine’s seedpod? Should we search for it?”
“Negative!” the Vitalus boomed, its node reinforcing the word with a spike of activity that sent needles of pain spearing into their heads, “We shall complete this task. It is dangerous and can be entrusted to no other.”
The Hollowore angled its massive head towards the cavernous ceiling, armored flaps on its back sliding aside as it unfurled sets of rigid sixty-meter wings. A wide sphincter on the roof gaped open and Menash saw the evening sky awash with the stars in their milky multitudes. The Hollowore took a deep breath through the spiracles lining its thorax and abdomen, pumping air through a pair of hollow tube-like protuberances under either of its wings. Menash and the others quickly scampered to a safe distance. Seconds later there was a scream of chemical combustion and the Hollowore rose into the evening skies, leaving behind a long trail of superheated gases, the backwash almost knocking Menash off his feet. They watched as the Hollowore gained altitude, making straight for the columns of billowing smoke on the horizon, a sweeping shadow blotting out the light of the heavens.
The Vitalus’ mental presence receded with it. When it did not return, they took it to mean that they were dismissed and likewise took flight and headed for Chthonis. They were hardly out of the Dawning Chamber when Vezda seized the scrawny Racek by his wings and anchored her feet right up against his back.
“Funny little man, are you? Crack jokes at my expense again, and I’ll see to it that you’ll never fly again!” she snarled, yanking hard. Racek yelled as his wings threatened to pop out of their sockets.
“Stop!” Menash said, ramming his shoulder into her and knocking the smaller male out of her grip. Vezda rounded on him, blades out and her tail aquiver with rage.
“As for you! No one should speak to the Vitalus like that!” she shrieked, “Much less gainsay It! Are you trying to get us all killed? It is the source and continuance of life itself—”
“But the Vitalus doesn’t always consider the individual scale of things,” Menash reasoned, controlling his rising anger as he tried to defuse the situation, “Its scope of thought is beyond ours. Therefore it is up to us to look after each other. None of us can win the Great Game alone. We need people like Zildiz for the species to prosper.”
“Your logic is flawed,” Vezda spat, “Empathy is a sham devised by the selfish action of the gene, which seeks only to preserve itself. At least I am honest enough to look after my own interests. Your obsession with that whore is misplaced. Heed my words, Menash. What happened today marks a change in the Great Game. Only the ruthless will reap the rewards of this era. Think on that, and act accordingly.”
The female darted off in another direction, leaving the two behind.
“Thanks,” Racek said, rubbing at his sore shoulders, “My, my. She’s really taking her promotion very seriously, isn’t she?”
“This doesn’t make us friends,” Menash said shortly, “We share a common interest, that’s all.”
The two flew together in silence for a time, the dark canopy unrolling below their feet. Racek had always been a bitter rival for Zildiz’s affections. In the mating seasons he and Menash had flown the damsel-dance against each other countless times, racing and dogfighting at top speed through the dense bamboo thickets in an effort to impress her.
But each time she had always chosen Menash. Naturally. He was the stronger, the braver, the son of the Scourge who had slain hundreds on his lightning raids into Leaper territory. Their pairings had been brief and passionate, yet she had always laughed at the end and gone on her merry way, a rose petal borne on a scented breeze, the dalliance as meaningless to her as other concerns like eating or breathing.
But not to him. Right now, all that mattered was her. And Racek was the only one in the whole wide world who knew exactly how he felt. Did that mean he could be trusted? Menash considered the enormity of what he was about to do, and wavered. Then he saw her face in the darkness of his home, the face she wore when they were all alone together, and he took a deep breath before breaking the silence, saying:
“I’ll be in charge of the quarantine. I can arrange for you to disappear for a few days. I can have one of the younglings mimic your magnetosynaptic signal, make it seem like you’re with the rest of us.”
“You’d do that? For me?” Racek said in astonishment.
“Hah. Not for you,” Menash laughed softly. He looked Racek straight in the eyes and continued: “What’ll it be, then?”
If he so much as hesitates, I’ll have to kill him here and now, Menash told himself.
“Why, yes. Yes, of course!” the little brown male said vigorously.
“Good,” Menash sighed with relief, “She’ll be very grateful to whoever brings her home. I’d do it myself, but as an alpha I can’t risk being seen as disobedient.”
“Then why give me this chance? After all that’s passed between us?”
“I should have thought that was obvious,” Menash replied. Racek digested that for a bit, then out of nowhere said:
“If I find her—when I find her—I’ll tell her exactly who it was that sent me.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“Bah! Just so we’re even, that’s all,” Racek grinned, his mouthparts slanting askew.
“Thanks, I guess. I’d…I’d appreciate that. You do understand what we’re risking here, right?”
“Sure. We’ll be total genetic write-offs if we’re caught. But it’s not like I wanted to see tiny ugly Raceks running around the house anyway. What about you, though? Why are you putting your neck on the chopping block?”
“You know why,” Menash said quietly, his thoughts still lingering on her face.
“Yes,” Racek agreed with a wistful air, “Yes, I suppose I do.”
And the pair spoke no more until they reached Chthonis.
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever.Take heed now; for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do i

Throwaway account for anonymity, although this story is pretty popular among my group. I wrote this directly to Charlotte, so I hope you like it!
I wanted to tell the story of my marriage to my now wife and how vastly different our mothers have taken the whole thing. I’m sharing because I find the whole thing absolutely wacky, so sit back and enjoy!
I (34m) and my now wife (30f) have been together for 5 years, and we got engaged back in 2022. We made elaborate wedding plans because I’m very outgoing and extroverted, and she went along with everything because she loves me. We both knew neither of our families would not be involved. While her mother (55f) absolutely hates me because of my skin color, my mother (72f) suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia. We knew she could never fly in for our wedding, as she could barely leave the house, let alone the state, and my father (77m), as much as he loves me, refused to leave her side for longer than an hour.
Her mother refused to ever meet me and would insult me whenever she possibly could. I really didn’t want her to attend the wedding, so I wasn’t too pleased when my wife wanted her to walk her down the aisle instead of her father (58m), who had a long history of being incredibly flaky for important events. When we created the bridal party, my side had only friends since I’m an only child and she had her brother (26m) as a bridesman. However, he didn’t like wearing suits so he dropped out of the wedding, citing that he MIGHT have work the day of the wedding, which was 6 months away. Her mother called the next day and dropped out, leading to a lot of crying, an argument and a lot of talks to get through the heartache. Her father actually stepped up and asked to walk her down the aisle, and was practically in tears apologizing for not being there for her. My wife agreed and hugged her father so tightly. I was worried but I had to give the man credit...he was trying.
Our priorities changed when I heard that my mother was quickly slipping away, so my wife had the idea of having a private ceremony just for her and my father so she could see me get married. We flew down, and discovered that the cat peed on her only white dress, and my father forgot which day we were getting married. Luckily…thanks to a lot of bleach and phone calls, we were able to get married in front of her, and she had a very good day. She remembered me the whole time, and she absolutely loved my wife. It was probably the most perfect day of my life: I got to solve problems, have my mother remember me and marry my best friend…albeit illegally technically since we didn’t have a marriage license. To this day, we called it our “marriage before God.” My mother passed away 3 weeks after that ceremony. It was pretty devastating.
By the way…we still had our “lavish” wedding to hold, which was still a month away. Her mother and brother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding, and I was perfectly happy, but I knew she wasn’t. We had a lot of talks leading up to it, and I made sure she always had support, whether it was from me, her bridesmaids, and all of our friends coming together to let her know how much she means to us. Her father was on time and in a suit, so that was already a victory. I later heard that he told her how proud he was of her and how lovely she looked, something he rarely said when she was growing up. He really stepped up to the plate. Our wedding day had just as many calamities as the marriage before God, which includes a very late Bridesmaid, a very cold and windy outdoor ceremony and a very hot and sweaty reception. Oh, and my wife’s mother texting her on the wedding day how disrespectful she and her friends are, and how she’s “guilty” for not being a “good enough daughter.” This really pissed my wife off, and it led to her FINALLY going NC with her. But that text came well after our wedding ended, and it was the most perfect day we’ve ever had. I love my wife so much and what she did for my mother and I will make me do anything to make her happy for the rest of our lives.
Just goes to show not to let negative people ruin your life…even if they gave birth to you.

Throwaway account for anonymity, although this story is pretty popular among my group. I wrote this directly to Mark Narrations, so I hope you like it!
I wanted to tell the story of my marriage to my now wife and how vastly different our mothers have taken the whole thing. I’m sharing because I find the whole thing absolutely wacky, so sit back and enjoy!
I (34m) and my now wife (30f) have been together for 5 years, and we got engaged back in 2022. We made elaborate wedding plans because I’m very outgoing and extroverted, and she went along with everything because she loves me. We both knew neither of our families would not be involved. While her mother (55f) absolutely hates me because of my skin color, my mother (72f) suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia. We knew she could never fly in for our wedding, as she could barely leave the house, let alone the state, and my father (77m), as much as he loves me, refused to leave her side for longer than an hour.
Her mother refused to ever meet me and would insult me whenever she possibly could. I really didn’t want her to attend the wedding, so I wasn’t too pleased when my wife wanted her to walk her down the aisle instead of her father (58m), who had a long history of being incredibly flaky for important events. When we created the bridal party, my side had only friends since I’m an only child and she had her brother (26m) as a bridesman. However, he didn’t like wearing suits so he dropped out of the wedding, citing that he MIGHT have work the day of the wedding, which was 6 months away. Her mother called the next day and dropped out, leading to a lot of crying, an argument and a lot of talks to get through the heartache. Her father actually stepped up and asked to walk her down the aisle, and was practically in tears apologizing for not being there for her. My wife agreed and hugged her father so tightly. I was worried but I had to give the man credit...he was trying.
Our priorities changed when I heard that my mother was quickly slipping away, so my wife had the idea of having a private ceremony just for her and my father so she could see me get married. We flew down, and discovered that the cat peed on her only white dress, and my father forgot which day we were getting married. Luckily…thanks to a lot of bleach and phone calls, we were able to get married in front of her, and she had a very good day. She remembered me the whole time, and she absolutely loved my wife. It was probably the most perfect day of my life: I got to solve problems, have my mother remember me and marry my best friend…albeit illegally technically since we didn’t have a marriage license. To this day, we called it our “marriage before God.” My mother passed away 3 weeks after that ceremony. It was pretty devastating.
By the way…we still had our “lavish” wedding to hold, which was still a month away. Her mother and brother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding, and I was perfectly happy, but I knew she wasn’t. We had a lot of talks leading up to it, and I made sure she always had support, whether it was from me, her bridesmaids, and all of our friends coming together to let her know how much she means to us. Her father was on time and in a suit, so that was already a victory. I later heard that he told her how proud he was of her and how lovely she looked, something he rarely said when she was growing up. He really stepped up to the plate. Our wedding day had just as many calamities as the marriage before God, which includes a very late Bridesmaid, a very cold and windy outdoor ceremony and a very hot and sweaty reception. Oh, and my wife’s mother texting her on the wedding day how disrespectful she and her friends are, and how she’s “guilty” for not being a “good enough daughter.” This really pissed my wife off, and it led to her FINALLY going NC with her. But that text came well after our wedding ended, and it was the most perfect day we’ve ever had. I love my wife so much and what she did for my mother and I will make me do anything to make her happy for the rest of our lives.
Just goes to show not to let negative people ruin your life…even if they gave birth to you.

After I showed what I saw to my classmates their reactions where the same as mine, none of us have seen what we have seen. My teacher zoomed in, in different areas of swans baby to look for better details of her deformity’s. We were all questioning how in the hell is this baby living and breathing and how did Swan never consider to kill her baby despite its obvious deformity’s.
Later on I took another dive to swim slightly closer to swan and her baby to see how is their interaction with each other, I had a tracker ready for her baby to track her down. I turned on my go-pro and started to search for swan and her baby I herd swan clicking and singing to her baby, despite these loving calls her baby never responded, swan swam past me and whistled for her daughter. I also tried to look for her but I never expected her to be above me. I remember looking up to see her daughter’s nose pointed straight at me, her body was perfectly vertical pointed at me. She was very still and silent. I took my chance and put the tag on swans baby, swan noticed her and It only took a gentle nudge from her mother swan to get her to move away from me and with the rest of the pod.
After coming back I review the footage with my other class mates as they where all where watching it with me as I zoomed in, in different areas again. This time in her eyes, last time I saw her eyes looking permanently up and they where still looking up, raising the brightness I can see every little blood vessel in her eyes I can see the shades of different reds in her eyes again. I needed to see how in he hell she could find me with her eyes permanently up.
I needed to know, can she find food?, can she see me? Can she make noise? How can she swim so silently? Who is her father? There were so many questions considering her physical and mental health. I knew that her father was not Issac as Issac was not even mature enough to even have a baby so that begs the question, did swans father pass down his genes to swans baby? If so how is her father like that too? When did this happen? And how?
I needed to study her more for 9 years I’ve studied swans baby who is now a mature female at this time. She was functioning normally like any other orca. She never made a noise and her deformity’s and her eyes stayed the same and every day I see her stay father and farther away from the pod only to come back like nothing happened. Her pod could be 2000 miles away and she’d immediately know where they were, just like how when she was a baby she knew where I was even with limited vision. At the time even after all of those years I never knew what name I should give to her, but now I do have a name for her.
6 years ago swan gave birth again. Only this time it was Issac’s baby. He came out healthy like a normal orca. After his birth he was introduced to everyone but at the time black swan (which is the name I gave her swans baby) was not there so we all checked where she was, she was about 300 miles away from them, we assumed she was doing her own thing and left it at that but when she came back she ignored her new baby brother, she just didn’t have any interest in him other than leaving and coming back. I remember the news reports of other pods of orcas disappearing out of nowhere, no one knew who was behind all of this, they thought it was poachers but there was no evidence so they left it be. News can be like that you know. So that bring us a few weeks later when swans baby disappeared. Swan was morning his loss and so was the pod but not her daughter. She swam next to her often times pressing her body to her mom as a way of hugging her and comforting her. That’s when I first heard black swan sing. She sang loudly and singing she did. If only I can speak orca to listen to her singing. I knew she only did it for her mom but I knew she sang about her brother. But how did her brother die?
I have a suspect.
Black swan.

Conner sat listening to music while the history class droned on endlessly. What is the point of learning history? War never changes, right? It seemed tedious. What does history have to do with how powerful and cool a mech is, or how sweet it is to be a mech knight?
"When the darkness came from outside, only the humans knew what was happening. It was war, war from outside the peaceful galaxy. War that had started when the Milky Way first showed the twinkling signs of life. One insane intelligence, old as time, would not tolerate another living galaxy. Each must be consumed by its own weight, and only death may prevail.
Humans instinctively knew this, as the chosen ones, the T-Cells of the galaxy. When their alien friends started getting ravaged and marauded by the scouts of the Dark Beings, humans responded, retaliating with unbridled ferocity and driving the otherwise unstoppable enemies back into the darkness.
It was a frightening time, and it only got worse when the massive cloud of shade was identified as the locust fleet that had sailed for billions of years, the Silent Empty Eternal Darkness Sailors, as they called themselves. They were nothing but dormant hives, sleeping forever, ready to wake and kill and self-destruct, make the galaxy dead. They could have done so, but humans stood in their way, an unpredictable enemy, capable of war.
That is why human worlds were directly targeted by their commandos. Massive singular monsters of ungodly visage were deployed to human worlds, spawning armies of miniature satraps of the horrors, to pillage and assault human worlds, turning them into hellscapes of death and destruction. The alien friends of the humans did not sit entirely idle, they helped by selling powerful new weapons and armor to the humans who kept retaliating against the Dark Beings with ever more powerful and vengeful mech."
Conner perked up at the part about the mech. Various famous chassis flashed across the screen in cool paint and poses with alien worlds in their backdrop and accounting for their neatly colored camouflage plates. He paid attention to the famous battles, where humans had defeated the Dark Beings in honorable combat.
"Conner, do you know what made your clan's father and mother such great mech knights?" his teacher asked.
"They learned from their mistakes." Conner sighed.
"They learned from other people's mistakes. They studied all of our defeats, all the times the Dark Beings annihilated entire battalions or overwhelmed our defenses. It is a much heavier volume. We learn little from victory except that now the enemy will try to better themselves again. When they win, they use the same tactics again - that's when we win. We don't use the same tactics again, for they will be ready when we try. We conceptualize and learn their thoughts, through their actions. They do not understand us. It is our only advantage, for each progression of our tech is met by another evolution of their monsters. Someday we will not be able to make a stronger bullet to match their stronger armor. We must anticipate a limit to this war, and fight accordingly."
"I can only anticipate getting into a mech and fighting bugs!" Conner had said. His teacher had given him that look. Nobody else got that look. Conner got it everywhere. He thought back to those days, he'd really thought he'd see action, in a mech, fighting bugs.
The rest of his class went on to become mech knights. All of them had seen action. Of course, none of them were left alive, and few of their mech were salvaged. Except, Pharlie.
Her mech was the third in a row of ones hit by a single plasma beam of the enemy. While the first two were instantly blown to atomic dust, her mech was only knocked over and set on fire. The ejection seat in the cockpit had the one and a half seconds needed to egress the mech knight safely.
She'd spent some time in relieved-of-duty status on Maranda Beach before she insisted they give her something to do. They quickly evaluated her and decided she wasn't fit for duty in a mech. Something about 'shutting down the Berserker Program' and 'protocols preventing reinstating anyone who qualifies to pilot a Berserker Mech'. Not happening under Admiral Khaspa.
"How's getting into a mech and fighting bugs, Conner? Still anticipating it?" Pharlie asked her old classmate.
"You are under my command. Watch your tone, I run a cruel shift." Conner grumbled.
"Aye, Skipper." Pharlie cringed, realizing the bureaucrat Conner had no sense of humor anymore. She decided to make it her personal mission to work on that. Conner with no humor didn't sound fun.
That scene in the classroom was a long time ago, but it was with Conner like it just happened. He hated Pharlie, because she stood for his humiliation, and wanted to humiliate her, but then he hated himself for feeling that way. He resolved to leave her be because he didn't want to feed his own calloused resentments.
"We've got work to do. We are reassigned to military surplus salvage. This job just keeps getting better. I used to think I would somehow be tested on a battlefield to save the galaxy, but out here I just get tested by boredom. I don't even feel the shame of these janitorial jobs anymore, I'm numb to it." Conner said to Pharlie, the next time they spoke. Pharlie realized he was trying to be nice to her and asked him:
"You'd rather be dead, or be me?" She wondered.
"Yeah. You don't know what it is like flying around delivering stuff and counting crap. I hate it. I could've made an actual difference." Conner complained personally.
Pharlie smiled and said: "You'd have made no more difference than the rest of us did. You don't know what a victory against the bugs costs, do you? You think you just have to stand there bravely shooting back and if you die, oh well, otherwise it's all glory. It's never like that. It hurts, it hurts a lot, because you don't die. Everyone else does. And for what? We just play the same game again next weekend, and it never changes."
"That's war." Conner nodded. "What am I doing? I bring supplies to remote outposts. It's pointless."
"Not anymore, they reassigned us to go pick up supplies, remember?" Pharlie pointed out.
"Oh yeah - don't remind me, just when I though my life couldn't be more tedious or pointless." Conner fell silent, realizing he sounded weak and small, complaining so much. He wished he was stoic, but he had a chance to confide in Pharlie, and he had taken it. Pharlie said:
"You're right. But let's make the most of it." And she smiled, so Conner decided that letting someone know just how miserable he was wasn't entirely a bad thing. He just wished he could somehow just be good with it, without having to use drugs or somesuch. He really felt like his combat skills were going to waste, sitting on a ship for long years, asleep and going around picking up supplies. As Pharlie had pointed out, they weren't even delivering them anymore, new mission, go get all that stuff the aliens made over the centuries for the war effort.
Rhema loomed in the distance. "We are picking up artwork on this world. Are you kidding me? The manifest shows it is categorized as artwork. So this community of variety-hour aliens have compiled some kind of treasure trove of fine art. This is asinine." Pharlie offered.
"That's enough of that." Conner chastised her formally on the deck, but he was smiling as he said it. He loved having her there stating his real feelings. "The mission is to acquire this propaganda, it is deemed useful to the war effort."
The world was like melted orange-cream covered in brown fog, a desolate radiated landscape below testified to the destructive power of the Unknown. The same Dark Beings had taken shots from the darkness with precise aim and killed some of the older aliens, such as the Frendsikeel. Long ago the peaceful otter people had lived happily on Rhema, inviting trade via broadcast.
After meeting an assortment of artist-aliens wearing shimmering dark-colored robes and cowls, the human delegate collecting military surplus accepted the crates of fine art, packed for their shipping across the stars, trusted to nobody except the human military to safely transport it.
"Conner." A call came in from Supply Command Unk Gheldin, Conner's commander. "You just earned me a promotion. The patrons of Rhema have instituted a check as a downpayment on our services. It's enough to build an entire warship. These aliens are loaded and just became our daddy. You're doing good work out there, the war effort thanks you!"
"I'll be sure and handle with care." Conner saluted diligently.
The next world was Arienta, populated by what was left of aliens who looked like huge anthropomorphic tarantulas.
"We've perfected a drug that can induce Star Sleep in humans. They said it was not possible for such belligerent minds to Star Sleep, but our colony of volunteers have allowed us to test every kind of euphoria and pleasure-inducing drug we could on them. Most species wouldn't have such a supply of volunteers, but humans come from far and wide to live as our guests, accepting our hospitality for their entire lives, saying they don't ever want to leave." The high priestess of the Blue Light Watchers, Rhoxa Billi, explained the doped humans lounging around everywhere.
"They look like slackers, sir." Pharlie said loudly.
"That's enough of that." Conner admonished her, but was smiling, glad she said what he was thinking. He faced the high priestess formally and said:
"We'll take this drug, and thank you for your hard work." Conner waved his fingers in the spiritual way to show he knew the sacred gratitude of the Blue Light Watchers. He'd studied how to do it on the way over, practicing it for days until he was confident he could do it right.
The next stop was Basilik, an industrialized wasteland where the Sunder had hundreds of thousands of giant humanoid machines, in loincloths, working tirelessly to drag massive monolithic super metal beams across rollers, up ramps to assemble indestructible mech chassis to sell to the humans.
"Sir, we take shipments from here all the time. What are we here for?" Pharlie asked.
"Not a what, a whom." Conner said.
The casket of the revered Exalted Inquisitor Eshka Layenna was loaded on board, but it was not made by Sunder. No, it was tech from some other society, preserving her eternally in a state of dormancy, a kind of molecular stasis.
"We're taking her back to the ones who put her in there. They have a gift for us. She is our gift for them. The Sunder have agreed to this, in the name of the war effort."
The Desperado star sailed to the nearby Kriesene system where an old gravity cloud that looked like a planet had hundreds of planet-sized moons dancing around it like an insane ballroom.
"The shoals around their world will make this somewhat dangerous to traverse. We have a map, given to us by the Sunder, so we should be fine." Conner told Pharlie.
"Danger, eh? Kinda like it, don't you?" Pharlie teased.
"That's enough of that." Conner said without any real command in it, smiling.
The Skiesene had a moon-sized space station named Thoughtfulness where they conducted much of their trade with each other. They looked like dark-shelled nightmare creatures, some kind of H.R. Giger prophecy had remembered these creatures long before humans had met them.
Conner witnessed their massed warriors, in stasis, embroidered stole draped over them, crouched motionless atop pedestals with twenty-yard tall tapestries depicting their many victories in bloody combat. They sat there in a great hall in their various forms and armors, but always hideous monsters, reminding him of the Dark Beings vaguely, except devoid of insectoid features.
The Skiesene were delighted by the delivery of their goddess, Eshka Layenna. A time without bloodshed was declared, and the Skiesene offered a shipment of their finest warriors, in egg form.
The Skiesene Khan grinned with uncannily human-looking teeth, but in its grin was a sharpened beak that could pierce the solid dome that was their head, with no eyes or ears, at least not in one place, for they had sensory all over their bodies.
"Uh, thanks. We could always use some special, uh, special forces." Conner accepted the eggs, as he was under orders to do. They were preserved until called, using a key to deactivate the stasis they were in. Then they would serve the orders in their minds, to obey their human commanders.
"I hope they don't have to facehug us and chest burst us." Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner told her, smiling.
The last stop was the world of the Beebee, aliens who looked like cats wearing incredibly fancy clothing.
"We've tailored new uniforms for the human armies. You'll like them." The Master of Design, top official of the Beebee, told Conner, purring as he went.
Conner put one hand on his elbow and one holding his chin, trying to keep a straight face, when he saw the uniforms.
"They are a little small, don't you think?" Conner looked at the feline models in the uniforms meant for human soldiers.
"And kinda derpy with all those frills and colors?" Pharlie offered further criticism.
The Master of Design seemed to think the uniforms were being complimented, anticipating no other response. It took a moment to sink in that the humans were mocking all their hard work.
"All of the specifications for armored clothing were met. These uniforms will preserve your body temperature in very extreme conditions and will slow ballistic projectiles so that they cannot penetrate the cloth, but instead have their kinetics splattered outward and also the colors shift to the mood of the wearer. You can make it camouflage if you like. We worried that human sizes made dispensing millions of these uniforms impractical compared to making an adjustable size. Try one on." The Master of Design was not offended, but stood his ground, his hair puffing up making him look sophisticated and official. His whiskers twitched handsomely at the end and he gave a prolonged blink.
"They still look silly, why so many frills?" Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner sighed.
The humans were about to leave and board their ship when Conner spotted an ancient mech standing next to the star port.
"What's that?" he asked.
"The tomb of Drastic Conner Mcfarley, the mech knight who defended our world, surprising a lone scout of the Dark Beings and engaging it in single one-on-one combat, saving our world. Drastic Conner Mcfarley died in his mech during the battle. The scout retreated and left us unharmed." The Master of Design said.
"Why'd it leave?" Conner asked, but recalled what his clan father had done. He awaited the answer he knew:
"Drastic Conner Mcfarley disarmed it, but left its capacity to retreat intact. It is believed he deliberately used this measure of engagement, in order to ensure the enemy would not retaliate by bombarding our world. When one of them dies, the world they die on gets destroyed. He might have survived the battle if he'd just killed it when he had the chance. We know this. He sacrificed himself to save us."
"That's right." Conner nodded. He and Pharlie felt solemn, realizing how far their journey had taken them, all the way to where it had began for them. "We're him, and we won't let you down."

i don’t understand why meredith is so mean to lexie she cant blame her sister for their father’s mistakes…i can definitely relate to this situation my deadbeat father having another kid and me finally meeting my half sister 14 yrs later but i welcomed her with open arms i knew it wasnt her fault for any of our dads problems…i wish meredith was more welcoming to her like lexie said..she had no one
edit: u die hard meredith fans need to understand that meredith is not all innocent and that its okay to admit that she was being a bitch towards lexie for no reason at all!!